Datasets:
Tasks:
Text Generation
Modalities:
Text
Formats:
json
Sub-tasks:
language-modeling
Languages:
English
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< 1K
License:
prompt stringclasses 30
values | response stringlengths 53 6.93k |
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write a joke | I bit my tongue today, that was about all. You ever do that? Man, that hurts, eh? Still hurts. It’s very embarrassing, biting your tongue, y’know? You just be walking down the street, minding your own business, y’know- (singing) “Doodly-do, doodly-do- doodly-HO!” Then everybody’s looking at you (over there), y’know? An... |
write a joke | I’m surprised I don’t bite my tongue all the time, actually, y’know, ’cause I’ve got so many teeth, y’know? I’ve got fifty, a hundred teeth, something like that- and, uh- they’re all right around my tongue there, y’know? They don’t get out much. |
write a joke | Ah, I quit smoking- that’s good for your teeth, man. Ya ever try that? Holy cow, is that tough, huh? I smoked ever since I was a kid, I always remember smoking, y’know? |
write a joke | One time I remember, I was a little kid, I was like eight-years-old, and I was behind my garage. I was sneaking a cigarette back there, and my dad caught me- I’ll never forget it. His big head came around the corner of the garage. There it was- my dad’s big head, and then his body right after it- there was his body. Tr... |
write a joke | Then there was another time I remember, now that I’m thinking about it. I was behind the garage again, as luck would have it, and, uh, this time I was smoking a big, fat joint back there. And, uh, (weakly) heh, heh- “don’t do drugs”- ha ha ha ha, and, uh, my dad’s big head showed up again! And- with no body this time, ... |
write a joke | But, you gotta quit smoking, that’s all I know, man- ya gotta quit. It’s not all I know, I know other things, too, but, uh. It’d be kind of a wasted life if that’s all I combed out of it there. But, uh, you gotta quit smoking, because otherwise, you get old and then unhealthy, y’know? You see a lot of that, y’know? Tho... |
write a joke | Ya ever see those old guys, doesn’t matter what the hell they do to themselves, they just grow old anyway, y’know? Meet a guy- he’d be the oldest bastard you ever met, y’know? (He) just does everything wrong, y’know? (Old man’s voice) “Every day, I smoke four packs of cigarettes, I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I... |
write a joke | I think my girlfriend wants to get married or something, y’know? She’s dropping hints now all the time, y’know- I think she wants to get. Last week, she got a one-year subscription to, uh, “Bride” magazine, y’know? And, uh, I renewed it for another five years. |
write a joke | Man- them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot, boy. I was looking at (’em). Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y’know- three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways. And, uh- you can get cheap ones, too. I saw one ring- twenty bucks, there. A... |
write a joke | I went to buy a dog- I couldn’t believe how much these dogs cost. (The) salesman in the store, trying to sell me the most expensive dog in the store, y’know? Big six hundred dollar dog, this big pit bull, six hundred bucks, y’know? And I was looking to pay, y’know, maybe, uh, a buck, something like that, y’know maybe- ... |
write a joke | No, you don’t want a dog like that, man. I- I want a dog to do things for me, y’know? Fetch my slippers, that’s the joy of having a dog, y’know? Pit bull won’t do that stuff, you go, “Hey, pit bull- fetch my slippers!” Pit bull’d go, “Hey! I could kill you, pal. I’m a pit bull! Don’t you read the papers or anything? I-... |
write a joke | When I was young, no such thing as a pit bull. When I was a kid, it was the, uh- the meanest dog around- the doberman (pronounces it “dober-man”) dog, y’know? And, uh- they’d kill you, too. They’d rip your throat out just the same, y’know? But not fast like a pit bull, eh? A doberman’d always give you a little headstar... |
write a joke | But, I don’t know why, you don’t see dobermans around anymore. You ever notice that? Pit bulls now, they got all the work and everything. All the domestic security jobs go to the pit bulls. Man, the doberman’s like the forgotten dog now, y’know? Once in a while, you see ’em on a park bench with a Frisbee there, y’know?... |
write a joke | So I don’t get any of those killer dogs, y’know? I always buy a dog- when I’m buying a dog, I think to myself, I go, “Hey, if this dog goes berserk, could I take him?” |
write a joke | But, the hell with dogs. I’m gonna get to be a big guy and just defend myself, y’know? I’m gonna be- I’m gonna work out. That’s what I’m gonna start doing, y’know? I haven’t worked out for uh, forever. I never worked out. Good God, has it been that long? Ever? But I gotta start, y’know, because, uh- man! (Alright then.... |
write a joke | I used to be in good shape. When I was younger, that’s when I was in good shape, y’know? Back when- I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh- one. Man, you should’ve seen me back then, when I was one. Oh God, I looked good- young and fresh! You wouldn’t know me now if you’d seen me when I was one, ... |
write a joke | So, you gotta stay in shape, and I watch the TV- watched a lot of sports on the TV. Everything on the- any sport at all, y’know? I don’t care, y’know? And some of those sports are not even sports. y’know? Ya ever see those sports on the TV, where they just try to take two different sports and combine them together- mak... |
write a joke | I saw this one- cliffdiving. There’s a weird sport, eh? A guy diving off a cliff there, and they’re trying to pass it off as a sport, y’know? It’s like, uh- attempted suicide pretty well, eh? Next week, I saw in the TV Guide, they got, uh- “washing down quaaludes with wood alcohol.” Can you believe that? How about that... |
write a joke | It’s tough to know who’s better in cliff diving, either. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, “Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!” And then another guy’d dive- “Oh, there’s another guy diving off a cliff there.” But you can’t tell who’s better, y’know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you’re a great-... |
write a joke | I love the TV, though. Anything on the TV at all. I watch game shows- ya ever watch them? You ever see that game show “The Dating Game”? That’s the oddest game show I ever saw, that show, y’know? They got no prize on the show, they just give you, like, uh- another contestant, that’s your prize. Just pair you off, no bu... |
write a joke | Well, it’s good to be here, man. I came down here, I got a dri — I got a lift down here. We drove down, me and my two buddies there, and, uh. Four hours it took us to drive down here and, uh- I was in the back seat all the way. Ever be in the back seat for a long trip? Aw, man, does that stink or what? Man! What a roug... |
write a joke | You wanna be in the front seat, that’s where you wanna be, eh? Right beside the driver- that’s the place. Second-in-command there. You get to look at a map and everything and check out the tapes out of the box and all that stuff. You go, “Hey, man, the driver dies, I’ll be the driver!” You’ve got responsibility there, ... |
write a joke | Well, after a couple of three hours on the highway, you get so lonely in the back seat, y’know? After a while, you start trying to make contact with other people in other back seats along the way there. You ever do that? Look out your little excuse for a window there, “I’m back seat people, too, over here. We must band... |
write a joke | You really tell how they care about you in the back seat by the fucking seatbelt they give you, eh? It’s just right here, no shoulder strap or nothing, just — Same seatbelts they banned from the front seat back in the Fifties. They said, “Man, we can’t have these in the front seat, we’ll throw them in the back seat! We... |
write a joke | Ah, the only way you can escape is to sleep, y’know? That’s the only thing you can do in the back seat. Sleep and perchance to dream. I love sleeping, eh? Don’t you like to sleep? Oh, it’s the best, man. You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the bes... |
write a joke | Well, I’m looking for gifts. You ever get a, uh- you ever get a bad gift? Y’know? Last Christmas, man, I got the worst gift a guy ever give me. He gave me a lottery ticket. You ever get that for a gift? Man, what a stinkin’ gift that is, huh? You know, what’s a guy even thinking there, right? (He goes) “Here you go. No... |
write a joke | But, I gotta buy for my dog, now, I gotta buy gifts for him, y’know? And, uh- man, he has a birthday, like, seven times a fucking year, too, y’know? So I’m always out shopping for him there. Man, you don’t know what to get a dog, eh? Very hard to buy for a dog, y’know? What the hell’re you gonna get him, y’know? You wa... |
write a joke | (The) dog doesn’t really talk, by the way. I know my dog talks in a lot of my little jokes there, but, uh- I’m just lying there. He’s a regular dog, y’know. I lie like that sometimes. You ever lie? Who the hell doesn’t lie, eh? Ya gotta lie, but, uh- You ever lie for no reason? That’s the worst kind of lie, eh? You kno... |
write a joke | Lot of bad people, man. Lot of bad — I was reading this one guy, in the paper, y’know? Baddest guy I ever read about. This guy killed his family- if you can believe this, folks- killed his family because the devil told him to. Can you believe that? Man! What a dork, eh? That was the headline, actually: “What A Dork!” “... |
write a joke | Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, yo... |
write a joke | I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go, “I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The gu... |
write a joke | Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and… twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln, when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like, his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s l... |
write a joke | Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I… Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good... |
write a joke | Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And it has, like, golden cellophane… And re... |
write a joke | But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them. Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be caref... |
write a joke | You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism. She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork... |
write a joke | There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’... |
write a joke | See, people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you as, “I remember my dad took me to Disne... |
write a joke | I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms” that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not k... |
write a joke | I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”… is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” i... |
write a joke | So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all it really means ... |
write a joke | My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago – you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I rem... |
write a joke | Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all dif... |
write a joke | But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know? And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, hav... |
write a joke | I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know? A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, wh... |
write a joke | When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “b... |
write a joke | I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You g... |
write a joke | My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I... |
write a joke | I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s house, and I would have a stick, and that would be th... |
write a joke | Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?... |
write a joke | But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or ... |
write a joke | What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know? There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes, of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’... |
write a joke | There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and ... |
write a joke | You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’... |
write a joke | “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie, but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you l... |
write a joke | But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh… science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went, “Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that... |
write a joke | Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know… uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know ... |
write a joke | Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s lik... |
write a joke | Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not her... |
write a joke | Hi, everyone! Hello! Hi! I’m glad you’re here. This is, uh, this is gonna be okay. I want you to know that I know that I don’t look like you thought I would. Take it in. I realize that. My kids remind me that I’ve gotten older every day, every day. I dropped my son off one time and he goes, “God, you’ve aged like a pre... |
write a joke | The main problem I have with these pubes on the toilet is that during this story, my kids live with me Sunday to Wednesday. They live with their mother Wednesday to Sunday. And he shaved his pubes Wednesday before he went to school. That means he was not going to be home for four days. So I called the cell phone when h... |
write a joke | I used to have a story about when my son turned 18, I was gonna punch him in the face. He’s 18 now. On his birthday, I got up, uh… I got up early. I set my alarm. And I went downstairs, and I made myself a good breakfast. And then I heard him getting up. And I go, here we go. It’s game time. My heart started racing. My... |
write a joke | Urban Dictionary’s definition of locker box is when you’re having sex with someone, you also shove your nuts into them. I mean, where do you even start? Do people do that? And if so, how? How do you do that? The only thing I know about that sexual position is you probably need the lights on. That does not seem like a f... |
write a joke | All right. My son no longer lives with me. Not ’cause of locker boxing or whatever, but… He, uh, he went to one semester of college and didn’t like it. And, uh, I get that. I didn’t like college either. So that’s fair for me. But he also didn’t wanna get a job. And that’s where I drew the line ’cause I just, I just can... |
write a joke | The first month my son left, my electric bill went down $80. That’s a lot. Wanna know why? ‘Cause his hobby is leaving my lights on. It’s like a passion project for him. He wears a Fitbit around his wrist, and I bet you, he gets 10,000 steps a day just turning my goddamn lights on. All around the house. Boing, boing, b... |
write a joke | I also have a 14-year-old daughter, and I gave her a chore list with three words on it, and she goes, “Where’s your chore list?” You ever had a kid say something to you and they’re serious but then you almost ruin it ’cause you laugh? That’s what I was almost like, “Oh God, what?” And I just go, “What did you say?” And... |
write a joke | She’s 14 now. When she was 12, I started listening to podcasts about periods. And I know that seems creepy. I’m positive I’m on a list somewhere. But I never wanted to be the dad that had to send her to her mom to ask her all those questions. I don’t wanna, you know, like, “That’s a question for your mom. You know wher... |
write a joke | My daughter got her period in my house for the first time. And she came downstairs and she goes, “Uh, Dad, two things. Number one, got my period. Number two, don’t wanna talk about it.” And I was like, “Number one, great. Number two, greater.” And she said, “I have to go to Mom’s house ’cause she bought me some stuff.”... |
write a joke | I don’t have anything to do so I brought back $211 worth of tampons. That is an interesting exchange. There were so many boxes left, and you can’t carry ’em in ’cause they’re all individual boxes. So I had to walk into Target, get an empty cart and just walk out with an empty cart. And people were like, is this bitch s... |
write a joke | In my opinion, it is harder raising a 14-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son than when they were little, ’cause when they were little, I could give them all the same rules. I could sit them down on the couch and both of them, I could say, “Hey, don’t break anything. Don’t drink my chocolate milk. And go outside ti... |
write a joke | I tell my daughter a ton of stuff when she leaves the house. You know what I tell my son? “Drive safe, don’t rape!” That’s it. That is it. That is every single thing I want him to know. And some of you might be like, “You can’t say rape, Chad.” Well, you sure can if you say “don’t” in front of it. Yeah, that’s, like, t... |
write a joke | I’m gonna start saying that everywhere I go. I mean, not like a caveman, ’cause that would creep people out, of course. You can’t walk down the street, “Drive safe, don’t rape!” Everyone would be like, “Oh, he lost his chaperone.” I think it’s a good message. I think guys should say it to guys all the time. I don’t thi... |
write a joke | I’ve also told my son that if he’s on a date and it’s not going well and he doesn’t want a second date, but the girl wants to kiss him at the end of that date, well, just don’t, ’cause that’s gonna be a real awkward situation later on. It’s gonna be awkward for sure in those five minutes. But that’s okay. That’s five m... |
write a joke | The reason I bring this up is because I think sometimes we shift the spotlight from where it needs to be, right? My daughter’s 14. I’d like to have this shit figured out in four years. We do, we shift it. The Me Too movement is super serious. Have you read some of the stories? They’re gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. A... |
write a joke | Now, some people may think, “Chad, you just think this way ’cause you’re a man.” Well, that has to be part of it. My brain has been connected to a dick for quite a while. But I believe that all of our lenses are tinted from several different things. I was also raised by a very strong single mother, and so I watched her... |
write a joke | I live in the same small town where I grew up, and nobody likes me from a long time ago. And I know that sounds sad, but it’s pretty freeing, ’cause I can say whatever I want and I’m not gonna lose friends. I’m there. |
write a joke | I was at a small cafe, and a woman was reading the article about the lady from Michigan, and she said, “Can you believe this?” And I said, “That they would waste that much ink on that? No, I can’t.” And then everyone turned their chair to look at both of us, like we were gonna locker box or something. And she said, “I ... |
write a joke | And I know there’s this movement. “Yes, we do.” But you don’t. You’re at the movement with a picket sign and you have the same one, you’re like, “Oh, fuck this!” I mean… it’s… Heh! And that’s sad to me, ’cause you’re easily the better of the two sexes. You should own everything, but you’re busy bickering your way to se... |
write a joke | I also think it would be nice if we could all have the same rules. Let’s make a big rule book that everybody agrees on. I think being an individual is amazing and what makes the planet great. However, everyone has their own rules. and you can’t get to know someone in a day for all their rules, right? So, I have a frien... |
write a joke | I try to stay out of the rest of the politics because it’s… it’s too demanding, right? And I like to sleep, so… “Hey, Chad, did you hear about…” “No, I didn’t. Good night.” That’s like my new move. I do think politics divides us and makes us softer, because, I mean, people are so fake taken aback when it comes to every... |
write a joke | All right. I think we’re getting softer as a country. People say “sorry” all the time when they don’t need to. Right, you ever been bumped into and somebody goes, “Oh, sorry!” Yeah, for what? You just barely bumped into me. Have you been planning this for two weeks? ‘Cause then an apology is necessary. But this seems l... |
write a joke | My daughter says sorry nonstop. My daughter will say sorry three times for the same thing. And now you’re just being an asshole. Sorry once. You can’t keep doing it and think “sorry” is gonna get you off the hook. So I have a swear jar in my house. That costs you a quarter. I have a sorry jar. That one costs you a doll... |
write a joke | My home is also filled with hyperbole because of my daughter. Everything is “the best” or “the worst.” Or “the funniest.” And can I tell you something? It never is. You know something’s gonna be real funny when someone laughs all the way through it, right? “Dad, you’re not gonna believe, It’s the funniest thing that ev... |
write a joke | When either one of my kids tells me stories, my face must just glaze over. ‘Cause all I am thinking is how in the world do some people have sex with their own children? Does that make sense to anyone else in this room? How does a human brain allow that kind of shit to take place? I am so utterly turned off by both of m... |
write a joke | And by the way, if you’re not laughing right now, you’re the creepiest person in this room. ‘Cause that is easily as anti-kid-touching as it gets. I said, “How in the world…” You know, Earth, the world, the whole one… Do some people have sex with their own children, and some of you went, “Un-uh.” |
write a joke | I’m protected, Second Amendment. Everybody knows you can’t change an amendment, Chad, ’cause amend means… All right, hold on. That’s how I’m gonna start choosing hotels when I’m on the road. I’m gonna walk into a lobby and be like, “How in the world do some people have sex with their own children?” And if no one even l... |
write a joke | Sometimes when I tell that story, someone will laugh so hard their shoulders will shake. And other times, someone won’t even smile. But on a magical night, those two people… are sitting right next to each other. And I get so excited about the idea of that uncomfortable ride home. “Hey, Erica, do you care if we stop by ... |
write a joke | I know we’re getting soft as a nation, ’cause I travel all around it and I hear soft noises in comedy clubs. One time, I heard a grown man go, “Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” That’s crazy. If that is the noise your body chooses to make, stay home always and forever. ‘Cause no one likes you, for sure. |
write a joke | But the worst noise I’ve ever heard at a comedy show is this one: “Mm, I don’t, mm.” Man or woman, that is the twatiest noise that can come out of the human body. You should be able to karate chop that out of somebody’s throat. “Hey, man, how was your day?” “Mm, I don’t…” Thwap! I would rather hear choking than hear th... |
write a joke | And you know who I’m talking about. It’s people that don’t get enough attention at work, they don’t get enough attention at home. So they’re posting on social media posting all these vague-ass statuses. “Sure could use some prayers today.” Post. It’s like you can almost hear them typing it! “Mm, I don’t, mm, I don’t, m... |
write a joke | What do you need prayers for? Be specific. Everybody’s worried sick about you. There’s 150 comments, and they’re all some version of, “Mary, sending good vibes your way!” “Raising the roof with prayer!” Emoji! And four days later, Mary comes back, “Tomatoes weren’t as red as I’d hoped.” Well, fuck you, Mary! I hope you... |
write a joke | How can we not test for the noise, “Mm, I don’t, mm”? We can test for almost anything in-utero, right? Let’s get one of those fancy ultrasound machines and figure it out. That’s your baby’s heartbeat. “Mm, I don’t, mm.” We should get that out of you immediately. ‘Cause nobody wants another one of those walking around t... |
write a joke | When I hear the noise, “Mm, I don’t, mm”… I get ISIS. I get it! I understand starting a group to hurt other people. That makes sense to me. Does that mean I would join ISIS? Of course not. Would I scout for them? I don’t know, probably. “Hey, man, how was your salad?” “Mm, I don’t…” ISIS! Bweep bweep! I found one! |
write a joke | You don’t wanna mess with ISIS, man, they’re a crabby group. And we should have seen that coming, ’cause they are all caps. And, you guys, that’s yelling. How did we not know? I bet if you asked everybody in ISIS why they joined, over 40% would say traffic. Because traffic can turn a reasonable, rational human being in... |
write a joke | You ever been at a four-way stop, and it’s not your turn to go, but it’s the person in front you, it’s their turn to go? But they’re not going, they’re doing this: “Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! No, you. G-G-G-G-Go.” And you’re behind ’em like, “Fucking go!” “You have to go, or nobody’s ever gonna go.” There are rules in... |
write a joke | Listen, you guys, you cannot not be nice with someone else’s time. That is not how kindness works. If you want to be nice, join the Big Brother or the Big Sister program, and bring a kid to the movie. But on your way to the theater, fu-ckin’ go. You have to go! |
write a joke | Now, I want you to know, traffic is the only time I get real upset. That’s true. I’m a pretty laid-back guy. I love walking around and seeing other people get mad. I think that’s fun. Because I am a hypocrite and I like to judge others. And that makes me feel good. If I see a man yelling at his kids, I’m like, “Oh, I’m... |
write a joke | My favorite kind of anger is self-produced anger. We’ve all seen that. Guy at the grocery store is holding the door. Somebody walks in, doesn’t say thank you, and the guy holding the door is like, “Welcome!” Oh, my God, has anyone ever needed to hear “drive safe, don’t rape” more than him? Like, ever? What does he thin... |
write a joke | It’s crazy. People have other things going on in their lives, right? Even if it’s something as small as remembering your list when you’re walking through the parking lot. Just, milk, eggs, flour… “Welcome!” Okay. All right. Yeah, that was most likely for me. Were you holding the door? You were, right? Yeah! I was just ... |
write a joke | Nobody likes getting yelled at, especially in public. Nothing good has ever happened from that. A guy is never like, “Oh, I should take that guy fishing.” All right? It’s always something like, “Oh, I’d kill him for sure.” That’s why I admire psychopaths a little bit. I think psychopaths have figured some things out. I... |
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JokeMachine Dataset
The JokeMachine dataset contains short-form comedic responses generated in a stand-up comedy style. Each row consists of a prompt and a response, intended for training language models in humorous text generation.
Dataset Structure
Fields:
prompt: Always "write a joke" — used as a standard prompt for consistency.response: The generated joke or humorous response (1+ sentences).
Split:
train: All available rows are in the training set.
Use Cases
- Fine-tuning large language models (LLMs) for joke generation.
- Exploring humor in machine learning.
- Testing response coherence and creativity.
Example
{
"prompt": "write a joke",
"response": "I bit my tongue today, that was about all. You ever do that? Man, that hurts, eh? Still hurts..."
}
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