Datasets:

huggingartists
/

bill-wurtz

text stringlengths 0 36.4k
The camera opens on text that says, Hi. As the NARRATOR continues to speak, were shown a globe from Google Earth. NARRATOR: Hi, youre on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of its water. Fuck it, actually, most of its water. I cant even get from here to there without buying a boat. A plane is shown flying from South America to Africa. The plane fades off the screen, and a lone, sad stick figure is shown standing on Africa. NARRATOR: Its sad. Im sad. I miss you. The camera pans left across the globe to show more sad stick figures also standing on South America, North America, and Europe. CHORUS: How did this happen? NARRATOR: A long time ago- Actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didnt happen. Nothing was never anywhere. Thats why its been everywhere. Its been so everywhere, you dont need a where. You dont even need a when. Thats how every it gets. A long pause happens. NARRATOR: Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know its possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just dont know when to start, and thats exactly where it started. The sound of VCR fast forwarding plays. NARRATOR: Ooh, I paused it. I think theres a universe now. Whats it made of? CHORUS: Quarks and stuff! NARRATOR: Ah, thats a thing, in a place. Dont like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier, but its not empty yet. Its still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees. About no seconds pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The quarks are now happily married and in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and theres something else flying around too that wants to join in but cant because its still too- An explosion goes off while the screen says, HOT. 10 minutes pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. Some of them even doubled up. About 380,000 years pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The electrons have now joined in. Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but its getting closer together... 10 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...and its getting closer together... 500 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...and its getting closer toget- An explosion occurs. CHORUS: Its a star! NARRATOR: New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit... CHORUS: Space dust! NARRATOR: ...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into- CHORUS: Even crazier space dust! NARRATOR: ...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things, like this ball of flaming rocks for example. NARRATOR: Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of made a mess, which is- CHORUS: Now the Moon! The year is now -4,000,000,000. NARRATOR: Weather update, its raining rocks from outer space. NARRATOR: Weather update, those rocks might have had water inside them, and now, theres hot steam in the sky. NARRATOR: Weather update, cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. NARRATOR: Weather update, its raining. NARRATOR: Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean. NARRATOR: Volcano alert! CHORUS: Thats land! OCEAN: Theres life in the ocean. NARRATOR: What? CHORUS: Somethings alive in the ocean. IMMATERIAL OBSERVER : Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal? The camera zooms in on a single-cell organism. NARRATOR: No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. The cell divides. NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, and it can do that. Those cells divide many more times. NARRATOR: It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So thats pretty nifty, I would say. NARRATOR: Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? CHORUS: Now you can eat sunlight! The year is now -3,000,000,000. NARRATOR: Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. CHORUS: Taste the sun! The year is now -2,300,000,000. NARRATOR: Side effect, now theres oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times. The year is now -500,000,000. NARRATOR: Its a sponge. Its a plant. Its a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish. CHORUS: Its the Cambrian explosion! IO: Wow, thats animals and stuff. SEA LIFE: But were still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land? CHORUS, as LAND: No! SEA LIFE: Why? CHORUS, as LAND: The sun is a deadly lazer! SEA LIFE: Oh, okay. CHORUS: Not anymore, theres a blanket. NARRATOR: Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, lets go on land. FISH: Nope, cant walk yet. And theres no food yet, so I dont care. 100 million years pass. LAND: Okay, will you learn to walk if theres plants up here? SOME BUGS AND FISH: Maybe NARRATOR: ...said some bugs... and fish. The year is now -380,000,000. FISH grunts because it is struggling to get on land, for it has no legs. 5 million years pass. The year is now -375,000,000. FISH now has legs, for it has evolved into an AMPHIBIAN. AMPHIBIAN: Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to- CHORUS: Have babies! The word idea flashes on to the screen. NARRATOR: Learn to use an egg. AMPHIBIAN: I was already doing that. NARRATOR: Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have a baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. The year is -312,000,000. AMPHIBIAN OFFSPRING: Works for me. CHORUS: Bye bye, ocean! 50 million years pass. NARRATOR: And now everythings huge. Including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? IO: Sure. The year is now -252,000,000. A globe is presented. The camera starts to pan around it when a large explosion happens, destroying a land mass on the globe the size of a continent. Text pops onto the screen reading PERMIAN EXTINCTION. The Permian Extinction has occurred. NARRATOR: Oh fuck, now everythings dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. The thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, and proterosuchus are shown. NARRATOR: Keep your eye on this one... The proterosuchus is circled. 75 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...cause its about to become the dinosaurs. Heres another map of the land. The globe is shown again. It does not yet look like the Earth we know today; many of the continents are in pieces or out of place. NARRATOR: Yeah, it broke apart. Dont worry about that. It does that all the time. The year is now -66,000,000. NARRATOR: Here comes a meteor. A meteor comes into frame and hits the globe near what is today called Central America. CHORUS: And the dinosaurs are gone! NARRATOR: Its mammal time! Here come the mammals; look at those breasts. The year is now -15,000,000. NARRATOR: Now, theyre gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff, and walk. The year is now -4,000,000. A transition from one of humans older ancestors to one of humans younger ancestors is shown. NARRATOR: No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time. The year is now -3,000,000. NARRATOR: And bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. IO: Ouch. The year is now -1,500,000. NARRATOR: And set things on fire. IO: Yeouch. The year is now -200,000. NARRATOR: And make crazy sounds with their voice. CAVEMAN: Gneurshk. NARRATOR: Which can mean different things. Via the CAVEMANs thought bubble, Gnerushk, is shown to mean, Hi, Bye, and, Can you hand me that rock over there? CHORUS: Thats a human person! NARRATOR: And now theyre everywhere, almost. Text pops on to the screen, above the landmass that is today called North America. It reads not here yet. Humans have not migrated there yet. The year is now -20,000. Text pops on to the screen, between what is today the American state of Alaska and the Russian autonomous okrug of Chukotka. The text reads ice age. The ice age is occurring, creating a land bridge between the two landmasses. CHORUS: Ice age! HUMANS: What? You can walk over here? Cool! The year is now -10,000. CHORUS: Not anymore. HUMANS: Well, I guess were stuck here now. NARRATOR: Lets review. Theres people on the planet, and theyre chasing their food. HUMAN: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this. I control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Lets all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food. This is great. I wonder if anyone else is doing this. The year is now -5000. NARRATOR: Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! Its underground. NARRATOR: Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. A sheep baas in the background. CHORUS: Guess what happens next! NARRATOR: More food, and more people who came to buy the food, and you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now, you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now, theres more people, and they invent things which makes things better, and more people come, and theres more farming and more people to make more things for more people, and now, theres business, money, writing, laws, power. CHORUS: Society! NARRATOR: Coming soon to a dank river valley near you. Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. DISTRAUGHT HUMAN: Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? NARRATOR: Tired of using lame, sad metal? The year is now -3300. NARRATOR: Introducing- CHORUS: Bronze! NARRATOR: Made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land... I dont know, my dealer wont tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what? CHORUS: Egypt! The year is now -2000. NARRATOR: Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now, were getting somewhere. Also- CHORUS: China! NARRATOR: And did I mention- CHORUS: Indus River Valley Civilization! A society count comes on screen. It lists the four civilizations just named , as the counter counts up from one to four. It pauses for a moment before ticking up to five. A fifth civilization appears on the list. The camera pans right across the globe to what is modern day Peru. CHORUS: Norte Chico! NARRATOR: The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because its in the middle of the East. The year is now -1600. PEOPLE WITH HORSES: Knock, knock. Er... clop clop. NARRATOR: Its the people with the horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses. CHORUS: Greeks! NARRATOR: Ah, look, it must be the Greeks. Or, a beta version of the Greeks. Text pops up on screen, reading mycenaean greeks. These beta version... Greeks are the Mycenaean Greeks. NARRATOR: Lets check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization - theyre gone. Guess whos not gone? CHORUS: China! The year is now -1200. CHORUS: New arrivals in India! Maybe its those horse people I was talking about, or their cousins, or something... And they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff! NARRATOR: You could make a religion out of this. The year is now -1150. NARRATOR: Theres the Bronze Age collapse. CHORUS: Now, the Phoenicians can get down to business! HUMANS: Also, can we switch to a metal thats a little easier to find? Bronze switches to iron. HUMANS: Thanks. NARRATOR: Look who came back to Israel - its the twelve tribes of Israel! CHORUS: And they believe in God! NARRATOR: Just one though; hes got like a ten step program. NARRATOR: Heres some huge heads. Must be the Olmecs. The year is now -800. NARRATOR: The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. The year is now -671. NARRATOR: Here comes the Assyrian Empire. The year is now -600. NARRATOR: Nevermind, its the Babyloni- The year is now -580. NARRATOR: Media- The year is now -500. CHORUS: Its the Persian Empire! IO: Wow, thats big. NARRATOR: Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! IO: Whos the Buddha? NARRATOR: This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that were all dying. You could make a religion out of this. The year is now -475. NARRATOR: Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. The year is now -400. NARRATOR: Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff... The year is now -330. NARRATOR: ...and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian empire. Its a great idea. He was... Great, and now hes dead. Hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. The year is now -305. CHANDRAGUPTA: Knock knock. NARRATOR: Its Chandragupta. He says- CHANDRAGUPTA: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants? Okay, thanks. Bye. CHORUS: Time to conquer all of India! NARRATOR: Er- CHORUS: Most of India! IO: But what about this part? NARRATOR: Thats the Tamil kings. No one conquers the Tamil kings. IO: Who are the Tamil kings? CHORUS: Merchants, probably... And theyve got spices! TAMIL KINGS: Who would like to buy the spices? ARABIANS: Me! NARRATOR: ...said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. The year is now -221. NARRATOR: Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy! Actually, they have three main philosophies. Confucianism, Taoism, and legalism appear with the corresponding messages under: having good morals, go with the flow, and fuck you obey the law. The land northwest of Qin China, which is roughly modern-day Mongolia, is circled. NARRATOR: Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. The horse nomads repeatedly bump into China with the coin sound effect from Super Mario playing each time they do so. The camera pans left on the globe back to the Ancient Greek Empire. NARRATOR: Lets check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. Greekification overload! PARTHIANS: Bye. NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians. JEWS: Bye. NARRATOR: ...said the Jews. PARTHIANS: Hi! NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians, taking over the entire place. The year is now 1 CE. ROMANS: Heyyyyyyyy... NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast. JEWS: Thanks for invading our homeland. NARRATOR: ...said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. The year is now 30 CE. JESUS CHRIST: Hi, everythings great. NARRATOR: ...said some guy, who seems to be getting very popular, and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this. NARRATOR: Want silk? Now, you can buy it from China. They just made a- CHORUS: Brand new road to the world! China conquers Vietnam. CHORUS: Or you can get there on water! INDIA: Sick! New trade routes. NARRATOR: ...said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. Funan is highlighted. NARRATOR: Hm, thats a good place for an epic trading kingdom. The sound of a zooming car plays. NARRATOR: There goes Buddhism, traveling up the silk road. The year is now 220. NARRATOR: I wonder if itll reach China before it collapses again. The year is now 225. NARRATOR: Remember the Persian Empire? PERSIANS: Yep. NARRATOR: ...said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? BANTU and MALAY: Lets do it together! The year is now 280. CHORUS: China is whole again! The year is now 320. CHORUS: Then it broke again. NARRATOR: Still cant cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels! CHORUS, as GHANA EMPIRE: Hell yeah! Now weve got business! NARRATOR: ...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold and slaves. ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Hi, I live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering- CHORUS, as ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Is loving Jesus legal yet? ROME: No. The year is now 330. CONSTANTINE: Actually, okay, sure. NARRATOR: ...said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his- CHORUS: Main rival! CONSTANTINE: Dont worry about Rome; it wont fall. The year is now 400. CHORUS: Its the golden age of India! NARRATOR: Theres the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... First name Chandra... The First. Guess whos in Rome. CHORUS: Barbarians! NARRATOR: Whats a barbarian? ROMANS: Non-Romans. NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans. The year is now 476. NARRATOR: R.I.P. Roman Empire. Er, actually just half of it; the other half is just fine, but its not in Rome anymore, so lets give it a new name. CHORUS: The Mayans have figured out the stars! NARRATOR: Oh, and heres a huge city, population: everyone. The year is now 576. NARRATOR: The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. Hows India? Broken. Hows China? CHORUS: Back together. NARRATOR: Hows those trading kingdoms? CHORUS: Bigger, and theres more of them. NARRATOR: Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom; its the sunrise kingdom. An intermission occurs. The year is now 610. NARRATOR: Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in Muhammads ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake... The year is now 622. NARRATOR: ...and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You can make a religion out of this... The year is now 650. NARRATOR: ...and maybe conquer the world as well. The Roman Empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope! Plus, theres- CHORUS: New kingdoms all over Europe! NARRATOR: I wonder if theres room for Moors. The year is now 786. NARRATOR: Heres all the wisdom, in a house: its the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the- CHORUS: Islamic Golden Age! SWAHILI: Lets bring stuff to the coast, and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast. NARRATOR: ...said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast. NARRATOR: Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now. NARRATOR: Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? NARRATOR: The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas. The year is now 800. POPE: Surprise! Youre the new Roman Emperor! NARRATOR: ...said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and Not France. The Northerners are exploring. They go north, from the north, to the northern north, and they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly. Large text comes on screen reading, prankd. NARRATOR: They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as Vikings. The year is now 882. NARRATOR: Theres the Rus, the Kievan Rus. IO: Are they Vikings? KIEVAN RUS: I dont think so. NARRATOR: ...said the Kievan Rus. IO: Okay, fair enough. NARRATOR: The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire. Its actually Germany, but dont worry about it! New kingdoms! DISTORTED VOICE: CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS! NARRATOR: Which brand would you like? ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mines better. EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCH: Mines better. ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mines better. The year is now 1066. WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR: Time to conquer England. NARRATOR: ...said William. The year is now 1071. NARRATOR: Its a bird! Its a plane! Its the Seljuk Turks! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Aah! NARRATOR: ...said the Byzantine Empire, whos getting so small it almost doesnt exist anymore. BYZANTINE EMPIRE: We need help! NARRATOR: They need help, so they call the Pope. BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Hey, Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks? Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? Come on, I know you want to take back the Holy Land. POPE: Yes, I do actually want to do that. Lets do a Crusade. The year is now 1099. CHORUS: Crusade! NARRATOR: They did many crusades, some of which almost didnt fail, but at the least the Italians got some sweet trade deals. The year is now 1100. NARRATOR: Goodbye, Mayans. CHORUS: Hello, Toltecs! NARRATOR: Goodbye, Toltecs. CHORUS: Hello, Mississippi! NARRATOR: Look at those mounds! Theres the Pueblo. Ive always wondered how to build a town on a cliff. The year is now 1150. NARRATOR: Guess whos here? Khmer! IO: Where? NARRATOR: Here, and Pegan is there! Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself... The year is now 1192. NARRATOR: ...and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing... The year is now 1230. It rapidly starts to count upward as the Mongols spin and fly all over north Asia. The year ends on 1259. NARRATOR: ...and the Mongols just invaded most of the universe. Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time. The Mongol Empire that was just formed shatters. NARRATOR: Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India. Bright, happy text comes on the screen reading, tonga time. NARRATOR: Is it Tonga time? TONGAN: I think its Tonga time! Text comes on screen reading, colonizing the pacific ocean... The Tui Tonga Empire forms. NARRATOR: I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold! It is shown that the gold comes from the Great Zimbabwe, as the Great Zimbabwe is highlighted. NARRATOR: Look at this chad . Theres an empire there, right in the middle of- CHORUS: Africa! The year is now 1324. NARRATOR: The King of Mali is so rich, hes going on tour to let everyone know. NORTH AFRICA and THE MIDDLE EAST: Wow, that guys rich. NARRATOR: ...everyone said. The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and Not-Spain. IBERIAN PENINSULA: Please remain Christian. We will check in later to see if youre still Christian when you least expect. The year is now 1350. NARRATOR: Whoops! Half of Europe just died! CHORUS: Ming! NARRATOR: Chinas back, yay! The year is now 1400. Hey Khmer, time to share! New kingdoms here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands. Its the Mahajapit- The buzz of an incorrect buzzer buzzes. NARRATOR: Majahapit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mahapajit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Ma-ja-pa-hit? The ring of a correct bell rings. The year is now 1450. NARRATOR: Oh, Italys really rich. Time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. Its kinda like a re-birth. The text on the screen reads renaissance. NARRATOR: Heres a printer, lets make books! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? OTTOMAN TURKS: Yep. NARRATOR: ...said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks! The year is now 1453. NARRATOR: Oops, you missed a spot. Dont forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade. PORTUGAL: What? Thats bullshit! NARRATOR: ...said Portugal, spiceless. CHORUS, as PORTUGAL: Well, I guess well have to find another way to India! CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Wait! NARRATOR: ...said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack. COLUMBUS: If the world is round, lets go this way to India! PORTUGAL: Nah, dont worry, we already got this NARRATOR: ...said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain. COLUMBUS: Hey, Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around the back of the world? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: Okay. The year is now 1492. NARRATOR: So he sails into the ocean and discovers... More ocean... And then discovers the Indies and Japan. The year is now 1494. SPAIN and PORTUGAL: Lets draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. NARRATOR: The Aztec and Inca Empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent? NARRATOR: The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families that they might have to start marrying each other. The year is now 1500. NARRATOR: Move over, Lithuania! Here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids; maybe go invade India or something. The year is now 1501. NARRATOR: Persia just made Persia Persian again. Lets make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy. ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Hey, Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell. MARTIN LUTHER: Thats bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, thats a scam, fuck the church. Heres 95 reasons why. NARRATOR: ...said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation. SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT: You know what would be magnificent? NARRATOR: ...said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat. The year is now 1530. SULEIMAN: What if the Ottoman Empire was really big, which it is now? The year is now 1556. IVAN THE TERRIBLE: What if Russia was big? NARRATOR: ...said Ivan, trying not to be terrible. NARRATOR: Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the Spice Trade... and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway! ENGLAND and FRANCE: Damn. NARRATOR: ...said England and France. ENGLAND and FRANCE: We gotta start pillaging some stuff. NARRATOR: Then, the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters move to Amsterdam. The year is now 1600. AMSTERDAM: Damn. NARRATOR: ...said Amsterdam. AMSTERDAM: We gotta start pillaging some stuff. ENGLAND, FRANCE, and THE DUTCH: Question 1: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least theres beaver. Question 2: Steal the Spice Trade. NARRATOR: Thats not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway. CHORUS: Sugar! The year is now 1640. NARRATOR: Guess where all the sugar is made. In Brazil- THE DUTCH: Stolen! NARRATOR: -In the Caribbean, and its so goddamn profitable that you might forget to not do slavery. The next thing on Russias to-do-list is to get bigger. The year is now 1754. NARRATOR: Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically Ohio. Then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria whos boss. IO: But what about Britain and France? Did they figure out whos boss? NARRATOR: Yes, they did! Its Britain. Guess whos broke. Also Britain, so they start taxing the Hell out of America. The year is now 1776. AMERICA: Fuck you. NARRATOR: ...says America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke... The year is now 1788. NARRATOR: ...and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. IO: Wait, if France is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? The year is now 1794. ROBESPIERRE: Lets overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! NARRATOR: ...says Robespierre, cutting everybodys head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. IO: You could make a religi- NARRATOR: No, dont. Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution... The year is now 1791. NARRATOR: ...especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. TOUSSAINT LOUVERTURE: Why didnt we think of this before? IO: Wait, whos in charge of France now? The year is now 1804. CHORUS, as NAPOLEON: Me! NARRATOR: ...said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island- CHORUS: But he came back! NARRATOR: Luckily, they banished him to another island. A burst of horns play. NARRATOR: There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American Wars of Independence. They last from the year 1812 to about 1830. NARRATOR: Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now, they can make- CHORUS: Many different types of machines, and factories with machines in them, so they can make a lot of products real fast. NARRATOR: Then, they invent some trains and conquer India and maybe put some trains there. BRITAIN: Hey, China! NARRATOR: ...said Britain. BRITAIN: Buy stuff from us! CHINA: Nah, dude, we already got everything. NARRATOR: ...says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually, but then, China made it illegal... The year is now 1839. NARRATOR: ...and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try and stop each other from conquering Afghanistan. Also, the- CHORUS: Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now. NARRATOR: Thats just where he lives. The year is now 1857. NARRATOR: India just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. BRITAIN: Nope. NARRATOR: ...said Britain, governing them even harder than before. The screen reads, HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE, while the Morse Code for SEXLOL plays in the background. CHORUS: Technology is about to go crazy! The year is now 1863. NARRATOR: The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Its bad. NARRATOR: ...they decided, and then, they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too. The year is now 1884. EUROPE: I know! Lets rape Africa. NARRATOR: ...said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. Britain and France are still hungry! The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so theyre looking for more. CHORUS: Hawaii and Cuba! IO: Wait! Spain controls Cuba! UNITED STATES: Well, blame something on them, and go to war. AMERICANS: What should we blame on Spain? The U.S.S. Maine explodes in the Gulf of Mexico. UNITED STATES: Lets blame the Maine on Spain NARRATOR: ...so they blame the Maine on Spain. The year is now 1898. AMERICANS: Now, were in business! NARRATOR: To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. The year is now 1908. NARRATOR: Britain just found oil in the Middle East. The year is now 1911. NARRATOR: China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. Europe hasnt had a war since the last war... The year is now 1914. NARRATOR: ...so they start World War I. Look at those guns! Its gonna be a Great War - so great we wont need a second one. After its over, they blame Germany. The year is now 1917. NARRATOR: Russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. Now, everyones paycheck is the same. The year is now 1922. CHORUS: Communism, in the Soviet Union! NARRATOR: The Arabs revolt... The year is now 1917. NARRATOR: ...and Britain helps. BRITAIN: Now, the Ottoman Empire is gone, The year is now 1922. BRITAIN: So we can give the- CHORUS: Jewish people a place to live! NARRATOR: Hopefully, the Arabs wont mind. SYKES and PICOT: Lets cut the cake! NARRATOR: ...said Sykes and Picot, cutting up the remains of the Not-So-Ottoman-Anymore Empire. The year is now 1923. CHORUS: Except Turkey! Turkey makes a brand new Turkey! NARRATOR: ...and then, the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do. A phone rings. IO: Hello? THE 1920s: Yes, its the 1920s calling. Lets get in a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. The economy is great, and it will probably be great forever- just kidding! A slide whistle with decreasing pitch briefly plays. The year is now 1933. NARRATOR: Germany is back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and hes mad at the Jews for existing. Japan is finally conquering the East, and theyre so excited... The year is now 1937. NARRATOR: ...they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it. The year is now 1945. NARRATOR: Hitlers out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain why killing all the Jews is a bad idea. But he kills himself before they could explain it to him. CHORUS: Thats World War II! NARRATOR: Bonus Round! Air horns momentarily play in the background. NARRATOR: Pacific Showdown: United States versus Japan! Fight! A drop-down menu that reads weapon select pops up, and the U.S. cursor moves down from boat to plane to extinction ball. It is picked, dropped on Japan, and an explosion results. The year is now 1945. NARRATOR: Finish him! Another one is dropped, and another explosion follows. NARRATOR: Lets unite all the nations and have some- CHORUS: World peace! NARRATOR: Seems legit. GANDHI: Hi, Im Gandhi, and if Britain doesnt get the Hell out of India, Im gonna starve myself in public. The year is now 1947. Britain leaves. GANDHI: Wow, that worked? NARRATOR: Bonus! Now, theres Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans; one of them can be Bangladesh later. The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the Holy Land. JEWS and ARABS: Me! NARRATOR: ...they both said at the same time. The year is now 1947. UNITED NATIONS: Lets divide up the land so everyones happy. CHORUS: Sike! They both get angrier. NARRATOR: Look out, China! The year is now 1949. NARRATOR: Theres a new China in China! Whats on the menu? PEOPLES REPUBLIC of CHINA: Communism! REPUBLIC of CHINA: No, thanks. NARRATOR: ...said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China? The year is now 1950. NARRATOR: Theres the Korean War: Korea versus Korea. Nobody wins and then its on pause forever. Lets meet the sponsors! Oh, its the two global superpowers. Theyre having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan. And they both have atom bombs. NARRATOR: FIGHT! NARRATOR: Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Lets just keep it cool and spy on each other instead, and make sure we have enough atom bombs. The year is now 1957. SOVIET UNION: Ill race you to space. The year is now 1969. An American rocket ship is shown to land on the moon. SOVIET UNION and UNITED STATES: Now, lets make some more countries fight themselves. NARRATOR: Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. So heres a new map, with new countries! Now, you cant tell who theyre being pillaged by. The year is now 1963. NARRATOR: The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided its bad, and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it. Lets check the world population. A graph is shown, displaying a spike upward in population that jumped from a billion at the beginning of the 1800s to way more around the beginning of the 2000s. IO: Whoa... Okay. NARRATOR: Technology is better too; that might keep happening. The Soviet Union decides to relax a little... The year is now 1991. NARRATOR: ...and accidentally falls apart. Europe makes a union... The year is now 1999. NARRATOR: ...so now, they can all use the same money, except Britain cause they dont feel like it. Lets check the mail! Surprise! Its on the computer. The year is now 2001. NARRATOR: Whoops, someone just attacked America. I bet theyll remember that. Phone call! Surprise! Its in your pocket. Wanna learn everything? Surprise! Its on the computer. Now, your phones a computer, which is in your pocket. A chart of the 2008 economic recession is shown. NARRATOR: Whoops, the economy just crashed. Dont worry, the big banks wont fail because theyre not supposed to. Surprise! Flying robots, with bombs. Wanna print a brain? Some people have no friends, some people have no food, the globe is warming- CHORUS: And the ocean is full of plastic! EVERYBODY: Lets save the planet! NARRATOR: ...said everybody, not knowing how. The year is now 2028. THING INVENTOR INVENTOR: Lets invent a thing inventor. NARRATOR: ...said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. Thats pretty cool. By the way, where the Hell are we? Text comes on screen that reads, Thanks for watching history. I hope I mentioned everything.
I just did a bad thing I regret the thing I did And youre wondering what it is Ill tell you what I did I did a bad thing Im having a bad day Its turning into a bad year All the things Im supposed to do And the places Im supposed to go Are canceled Hey, whats the name of this game? And how do you play it? And how long does it take? And how many times is the game going to change? Hey, let me out of this place Out into the real world Where maybe things can go my way Oh, everything goes my way Oh, everyone knows my name Im having a bad dream I wonder what this bad dream means I wonder if Im sad I wonder if Im glad Or if Im just having a sad, glad dream Its a sad, mad, and bad, glad dream And I wont get mad about the dream If you promise to believe in me Its a sad, bad, and mad, glad scheme Its the best scheme I have And thats bad enough for me And I wont get sad if you dont See just how mad, glad my schemes can be Just did a bad thing Ive ruined everything And Ive let the things Ive ruined ruin me Hey, whats the name of this game? And how do you play it? And how long shall it take? And how many times is the game supposed to change? Hey, get me out of this place Out into the real world Where maybe things can go my way Oh, everything goes my way Oh, everything goes astray Just did a strange thing Now everythings pink
I dont have enough time To say the things I wanna say To do the things I wanna do Or to be like you I just want some time To express the things I feel Just to express the things I feel And believe them too 2 + 2 has been 4 for So many darn years, oh Lord I wanna write a song Oh baby, is that so wrong? And it goes La de da de da de da de day oh La de da de, where did all the good times go? La de da de la da dee dum dom, la da de day When will you come back home? I went down to the mall Then they closed down the mall Guess they dont want me going to the mall Cause Im just too small Then I built some trains And Im traveling somewhere new Its a wonderful world, but still no you Its a wonderful world for two Singin La de da de da de da de day oh La de da de, where did all the bad times roll? La de da de la da dee dum dom, la da de day When can you come back home? I just went online To explain the things I feel To express the things I mean And it felt so real Now Im doing alright And Im downright feeling okay Its the end of the world and I just cant wait I know that you can relate La de da de da de da de day oh La de da de, where did all the good times go? La de da d-de dum de da, d-d-dim Dwaayah d-de dum dwee-ayy Thats okay De day way oh, be dot do When did all the windmills start to turn so slow? La de da de la d-de dum dom, la da de day When will you come back home? Just got home, got no home La de da d-de where did it go? Oh no I cant go home
NARRATOR: Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and its... CHORUS: Beautiful! NARRATOR: In the year -1,000,000,000... Japan might not have been here. In the year -40,000 it was here and you could walk to it. And some people walked to it. The year is now -12,000 NARRATOR: Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now theres lots of trees because it’s warmer. The year is now -10,000 NARRATOR: So, now theres people on the island and they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones and bowls. The sound of a doorbell chime. The year is now -500. OUTSIDE WORLD : Ding dong. NARRATOR: It’s the outside world, and they have technology from the future, like really good metal and crazy rice farms! Now, you can make a lot of rice really, really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive. So, that makes you king. As Japan gets conquered, the year goes from -300 to 243 NARRATOR: Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But, this one was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson,” or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it’s religion. The year is now 593. NARRATOR: The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from Baekje. PRINCE SHŌTOKU: Please try this religion... NARRATOR: ... he said. JAPANESE: No! NARRATOR: ...said everybody. PRINCE SHŌTOKU: Try it... NARRATOR: ... he said. JAPANESE: No... NARRATOR: ... said everybody again, quieter this time. The year is now 604. NARRATOR: And so, the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. The year is now 645. NARRATOR: Then, the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms like: making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more. JAPAN: Hi, China. NARRATOR: ... they said. CHINA: Hi, dipshit. NARRATOR: ...said China. JAPAN: Can you call us something else other than dipshit? NARRATOR: ... said Japan. CHINA: Like what? NARRATOR: ... said China. JAPAN: How about sunrise land? NARRATOR: ... said Japan. NARRATOR: And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book... The year is now 711. NARRATOR: ... about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book... The year is now 720. NARRATOR: ... about themselves. As the capital of Japan gets moved, the year goes from 550 to 749. NARRATOR: Then, they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died, and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. And, they conquered the north, finally. The year is now 802 NARRATOR: Get that squared away. The year is now 804 NARRATOR: A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern Buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version which is more... CHORUS: spiritual! NARRATOR: ... comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be CHORUS: great! NARRATOR: ... for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country. So, if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? CHORUS: Hire a samurai. As the samurai fill Japan, the year goes from 1007 to 1042 NARRATOR: Everyone started hiring samurai. A correction box pops up NARRATOR: Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So, they made their own military government here. The year is now 1192 NARRATOR: They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun is actually in control. The year is now 1266 NARRATOR: Breaking News: The Mongols have invaded China. MONGOLS: Weve invaded China... NARRATOR: ...said the Mongols. MONGOLS: Please respect us or else we might invade you as well. JAPAN: Okay... The sound of unsheathing swords NARRATOR: ... said Japan. The year is now 1274 NARRATOR: So, the Mongols came over ready for war and died in a tornado. The year is now 1281 NARRATOR: But, they tried again and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado. The year is now 1333 NARRATOR: Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate. The year is now 1336 NARRATOR: Then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants; thats fine. CHORUS: Now theres more art! NARRATOR: ... like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. A quick blast of a horn. The year is now 1464. NARRATOR: It’s time for Who’s going to be the next shogun? Usually, it’s the shogun’s kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says... ASHIKAGA TOSHIMI: Okay NARRATOR: But then the shogun has a kid. So, now who’s it gonna be? Vote now on your phones... And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. Explosion sound NARRATOR: The shogun actually didn’t care. He was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke to pieces. As Japan breaks, the year goes from 1467 to 1503 NARRATOR: Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and its anybody’s game. EUROPE: Knock knock. The sound of someone knocking. As a ship arrives to Japan, the year goes from 1544 to 1561 NARRATOR: It’s Europe. No, they’re not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit like clocks, and guns, and... CHORUS: Jesus! NARRATOR: So, that’s cool, but everyones still fighting each other for control, now with guns! And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital, which, right now, is puppets with no one controlling them? The year is now 1560. NARRATOR: This clan is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. Surprise! The smaller clan wins. And the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital. The year is now 1568. NARRATOR: And it goes very well. He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him. The year is now 1582. NARRATOR: And then someone else who works for him kills them. And that guy finishes conquering Japan. The year is now 1590 NARRATOR: And then he confiscated everybody’s swords and made some rules. NEW SHOGUN: “And now I’m going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China,” he said, and failed, and also died. The year is now 1598. NARRATOR: But before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five-year-old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said... FIVE GUYS: Yeah, right. It’s not gonna be this kid. Its gonna be one of us. Cause were grownups. NARRATOR: And, it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. An image of Donald Trump is superimposed over the image of the soon-to-be new shogun. NARRATOR: A lot of people support him. But a lot of people support not supporting him. The year is now 1600. NARRATOR: They have a fight and he wins and starts a new government right here: The year is now 1603 CHORUS: Edo! NARRATOR: And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. But don’t get confused. This is the new government, and they are very strict. So strict, they closed the country. The year is now 1639. NARRATOR: No one can leave, and no one can come in, except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy some shit. But they have to do it right here. The year is now 1664. NARRATOR: Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch studies. The year is now 1735. NARRATOR: People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. As the Economic & Cultural Prosperity decreases, the year goes from 1793 to 1852. NARRATOR: Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow dow- UNITED STATES: Knock knock! It’s the United States. With huge boats, with guns. Gunboats. MATTHEW PERRY : Open the country. Stop having it be closed. NARRATOR: ... said the United States. There’s really nothing they could do. So, they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu and Satsuma hated this. PROVINCES OF CHOSHU & SATSUMA: That sucks! NARRATOR: ... they said. PROVINCES OF CHOSHU & SATSUMA: This sucks! The year is now 1868. NARRATOR: And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate, and somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed Eastern capital. They made a new government which was a lot more Western. They made a new constitution that was pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western. Do you know what else is Western? That’s right. It’s conquering stuff. JAPAN: So, what can we conquer? Korea! The year is now 1894. NARRATOR: They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further. And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says: RUSSIA: Stop, no, you cant take that. We were gonna built a railroad through here to try to get some warm water. The year is now 1899. NARRATOR: And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit-ton of soldiers. And then when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuck-ton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says: JAPAN: Can you maybe chill? NARRATOR: And Russia says: RUSSIA: How about maybe you chill? NARRATOR: Japan is kinda scared of Russia. You’ll never guess who’s also kind of scared of Russia: Great Britain! The year is now 1902. NARRATOR: So, Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia.” The year is now 1904. NARRATOR: Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment. And then they both get tired and stop. CHORUS: Its time for World War I! The year is now 1914. NARRATOR: The world is about to have a war because it’s the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants... JAPAN: ... More! NARRATOR: And the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France was friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So, you know what that means. Duh! CHORUS: Japan should take the islands! NARRATOR: Which is what they wanted to do anyway. So, they called Britain on the tele to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. A schoolbell rings. The year is now 1919. NARRATOR: Now the war is over. And, congratulations Japan! You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance: CHORUS: the League of Nations! NARRATOR: Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The year is now 1929. NARRATOR: The Great Depression is bad, and Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. The year is now 1931. NARRATOR: And the League of Nations is like: LEAGUE OF NATIONS: No, don’t do that. If you’re in the League of Nations, you’re not supposed to take over the world! NARRATOR: And Japan said... CHORUS AS JAPAN: ...How bout I do anyway?” As Japans territory increases, the year goes from 1937 to 1939. NARRATOR: And Japan invaded more and more and more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the entire east. AOL COMPUTER VOICE: You’ve got mail. NARRATOR: It’s from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. CHORUS: It’s time for World War II! The year is now 1939. NARRATOR: Germany is invading the neighbors. Then they invade the neighbor’s neighbors. Then the neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said... CHORUS AS BRITAIN: Holy shit! NARRATOR: And, the United States started helping Britain because they’re... CHORUS AS UNITED STATES: Good friends! NARRATOR: ... and started not helping Japan because... CHORUS AS UNITED STATES: Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus, they’re planning on invading the entire ocean. NARRATOR: The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever™. Just in case. But they still haven’t joined the war. War looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. The year is now 1941 NARRATOR: But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say... UNITED STATES: Yes! NARRATOR: And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States, also. So, the United States goes to war in Europe, and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany, and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan, and they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan. The year is now 1945 They actually drop two. NARRATOR: The Unites States installed a new government inspired by the United States government with just the right ingredients for a... CHORUS: post-war economic miracle! The year goes from 1951 to 1980. NARRATOR: And Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And, also better than everybody else. Japans economy improves from 1960 to 1995. NARRATOR: They get rich and the economy goes wild. Japans economy decreases after 1995. NARRATOR: And then, the miracle wears off. But everything’ still pretty cool, I guess. CHORUS: Bye!
Mount St. Helens is about to blow up And its gonna be a fine, swell day Everythings gonna fall down to the ground and turn grey All of my friends, family, and animals are probably going to run away But me, Im feeling curious, so I think I just might stay The Dow Jones just fell down to zero and its gonna be a fine, swell day And I wonder if its gonna be as good a day as yesterday All of these business suits that Ive just purchased Gonna have to throw them all away And slip into something more reasonable and then dance the night away Im riding a pony Into the sunset Everythings green and gold So Im not in hell yet And the people who work in my office went on vacation Cause they say that I havent been paying them very much anymore Mount St. Helens has a pretty cool gift shop And I havent been there in a while And Ive been wondering if its even still there? And the climate has been changing And soon its gonna change more And well figure out all of the details in climate change court Take a ride on my blimp Oh, its a very strong blimp You can watch movies and play games While riding on it When the sun goes down and the sky burns out Well never slow down Oh, were not going down Mount St. Helens is feeling crazy and adventurous Thats the reason that its so special And it takes no answers And it gives no questions And it makes no excuses And it really doesnt listen And it seems so eccentric And it looks so active And it dreams of puppies And its filled with music
Woke up in the morning Traveling straight into the sun Told my friends and family I was gone Looked back in the mirror Thought about who I had become And, I dont think that anythings gone wrong Jumped out of my suitcase And went traveling down the road Went back to the place where I was born Thinking about my future Thinkin bout how far we have come Oh, I dont think Im gonna be going home And the day goes on, goes on, goes on, goes on And the day goes on And the day goes on, goes on, goes on, hold on And the day goes on Went down to Virginia Thinkin bout how to change my name Just in case I have to fly away Jumped onto a spaceship Then I went to outer space And, now I think Im gonna be okay And the day goes on, goes on, goes on, goes on And the day goes on And the day goes on, goes on Hold on Whenst the day goes And Im long gone And Im long gone And Im right where I belong I went to the future Thinkin bout how to spend my day Thinkin bout the things I cant explain Its 1900 and the times are going to change Oh, now I think were gonna be okay And the day goes on, goes on, goes on, goes on And it goes along And the day goes on, hold on, hold on, stay strong And the day goes on
Its the first day of school And I think I might quit Cause the things Ive been seeing in here dont make sense So I packed up my things And I walked through the door And Im going somewhere else instead So, I chopped down some trees And I built a small house And I just might be small enough to live in it Then the rain came pouring down And it made some cool sounds And theyll tell you what those sounds said Said, Hello and Goodbye, Do you feel alright with the days gone by? Ill never waste my time, Ill never say goodbye Yes, I will, but I wont say it tonight So I picked a new character And Ive just chose my shirt And Im going to the Land of the Two Letter Words On in up at or so, by if to of no it Its a feeling we cant forget Said, Hello and Goodnight, Do you feel alright? Do you remember the days gone by? Do you remember the way that we dreamed we could change our lives? Do you feel like changing your mind? Its the first day of school And I think I might quit Cause the things that Im feeling still dont make sense And Ive tried to explain And it hurts to describe So Ill sing this song instead Hello and goodbye Do you think Im dying? Do you think Im going somewhere else this time? Do you remember the day we pretended to be every star in the sky? Its the first day of school, but I think I might quit Gonna learn some new lessons I wont forget Gonna write them all down In the language of love And Ill teach them to everyone
I remember the moment that my dreams were broken I wrote them down on a postcard and then threw it away I slipped into some trousers and rolled out my window Then went out into the wilderness where Im going to stay And it’s a long, long, long journey that weve been on And its a long, long, long story that can be told And it’s a long, long day and weve come a long, long way And its a long, long, long way back Im looking around this museum for paintings I relate to Even though most of them were painted by somebody else Then we went to the movies and watched lots of films there, yeah Now Im going down to Hollywood to make them myself And its a long, long, long journey that weve been on And its a long, long, long story that will be told And it’s a long, long day and we’ve come a long, long way And its a long, long, long way back And it’s a big, big vehicle that were driving in And Ive been following this roadway since it began And if I came here to lose then I still might win When I go down that road again And the road doesnt end It’s a long, long road and we follow it again and again And the road dont pretend I went down to the Coast Guard to see what theyre guarding See what the sign says, you idiot, were guarding the coast Now Im going on a podcast to talk about my memories Even though I cant remember anything from before the show Ive made some long, long phone calls to my friends at home And I told them where Ive been and the places Im going And they said, Wow, thats incredible, but we already know Because of that long, long song you wrote About how its a long, long, long journey that weve been on And its a long, long, long story that shall be told And its a long, long day and weve come a long, long way But theres still a long way to go Its a long, long, long way, its a long, long strong way Its a long, long, long way forward
All day and all night We lay about and wonder what were gonna do We speak to ourselves Havin a conversation and wonderin who were talking to Then sadness takes over And sadness wonders what were gonna do And sadness comes closer Then sadness comes to sing a song for you Oh, what a wonderful world Oh, how youve got to have more When darkness covers the Earth And I know its the end for sure Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Bringing you love and shining on everyone Here comes the sun Here come the raging sun And its raging on and so we rage as one On until the day is done High on the mountain The postman comes and says theres still no news Deep in the city, oh yeah The buildings wonder if theyll ever be built Oh, what an interesting day Looks like theres nobody in my way But the roads gonna end And the storms comin in Looks like nobody wins today Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Bringing you love and shining on everyone Here comes the sun Here come the blazing amazing miracle sun And its raging on and still, well blaze along On until the day is done Til the day is won and done Gonna rage on into the sun Call up your friends and neighbours Tell em a new day has just begun I hope you know that theres no stranger strange enough Tell all your friends and neighbours Youre no stranger to fallin in love Im just fallin in love Stop, times up Is it really over? Time waits for no one And I cant explain the way that Im feelin Put it into words and then Send it all over the world! Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Here comes the sun Bringing you love and shining on everyone Here comes the sun Here comes the raging sun, yeah And its raging on and so we rage as one On until the day is done Oh, until the day is done If this song aint good enough Ill erase it
STEVE: Hi, Im Steve. I drive a car. Its in a tree. Just kidding, my names not Steve. NOT STEVE: Im filing for an extension for my taxes because I didnt pay them and Im not going to. CHORUS: Cause thats the way I like to live my life, and I feel like everythings gonna be fine! NOT STEVE: Im skipping work again. Thats because I dont have a job. The mailman was late today, and she was actually a woman, and she said, MAILMAN: Thats the way I like to live my life, and I know that everythings gonna be just fine. NOT STEVE: I dont remember why I first saw the mountains, but theyve always been here. Now that Im seeing them, Im wondering why theyre there. But theyre here. I cant climb them. But I can. CHORUS: Cause thats the- PIGEON: Hey, heres the mail: NOT STEVE: Dear Steve- Thats not my name, but whatever. LETTER: Dear Steve, How did you climb this mountain? NOT STEVE: Well, Im glad you asked that! Its part of a two-step program. Find the mountain, climb the thing. CHORUS: Thats the way we can get things done and thats how I do it. Its easy and simple cause you know what to do. STEVE: Bye, Im Steve.
I dont wanna go to school Because Im stupid I dont want nobody tellin me what to do Or how to get through this I dont want nobody tellin me how to think Tellin me how to sing Tellin me how to do everything I dont wanna be afraid Of criminals I dont wanna be afraid Of dangerous politicians I dont wanna be afraid of you Or of me Or the truth Said that girl made me feel blue Cause she told me I should stay in school Said that girl made me feel blue Dont go to school
At the airport terminal, the planes are landing Traveling somewhere and it feels fantastic Rolling across the terminal floor And the skys so high and the grounds so low And I think Im dying but Im just being born At the airport terminal, the planes are landing And through the terminal, we all shall go At the airport terminal, I feel so unusual And everybody here is having an unusual day Its 10:24 in an unusual time zone And Im feeling fine in an unusual way And were going so high as Im flying so low And Im saying goodbye to the world I know At the airport terminal, the planes are landing And through the terminal, we all can grow And its time to let go But Im lying down on the terminal floor And Im running toward the terminal door And Im eating porridge but Ive heated it for the wrong amount of time At the airport terminal, I feel so imaginative Imagining where all the planes are going And when Im there Ill imagine where I came from Then Ill imagine my way back home But its 8:45 and Im on the next flight Its going around the world And well fly through the night til the day becomes bright Until the night returns When will the night return? Hey! At the airport terminal, the planes are landing One day soon well all be together Until then the terminal carries me through
Im going outside Out-out-out-out-out-out-out-out-out-outside I just picked up the newspaper Said that the wind blows Cant go back to where I come from Cause Im not welcome And its not fun there You know that I wont be late Oh, and I cant be saved I wanna go outside I wanna go outside I wanna go outside I wanna go outside A spaceship came to take me away Into the moonlight And they touched me in an interesting way And now Im pregnant With aliens Im gonna change my name Oh, its a brand new day I wanna go outside I wanna go outside I wanna go outside Im going outside Im going outside Gonna go out and away from the lines And Im outside I just opened up a new hotel On the tundra Just checked in and I feel so swell Cause Im wealthy And Im a billionaire Im gonna change my ways Oh, and Im leaving, on a different plane I wanna go outside I wanna go outside I wanna go outside I wanna go outside Gonna go out and adjust my mind Gonna go downtown and arrest some crime And I cant remember the reason why But Im outside And I cant go if it dont feel right No, I wont go if its not my time And I still dont know how to say goodbye But its all right Cause Im outside
Oh hi, thanks for checking in, Im Still a piece of garbage
Look at the time up on the wall The clock is tellin it all wrong You got to slow down You got to slow down Slow it right off the wall You got to slow down My hat is bent Oh, I got a bent hat Maybe Ill slow down And straighten it out And then twist it all around Then put it down And Im bobblin down 124th Street And I think Im bobblin to a brighter day And the radios playing a different kind of music And the universe is starting to shake Look at the time, its 12:30 Im going to hell and Im late for it But Ill slow down And talk about it And the world goes round And then comes back down Now Im swingin about My every daily business And Im pondering out about How its daily been And its easy to feel if youre useless But its strange when you tell your friends So I reloaded my fax machine With some fresh clean paper So I can slow down and have A slow time printing it out Then the roof blew off again And it came back down And the hurricanes and storms Cover the landscape And the picture frames are Floating off the wall And the hourglass is Twisting a little bit sideways And the neighborhood is all gone Look at the time on the wall Cause its going very very really slowly now And its the only thing anybody ever talks about And the scientists are always trying to figure out And the physicists are always letting it bounce around And the novelists are typically writing stories about it And the journalists are usually breaking news about it And the pharmacists are frequently making drugs about it And the charities are always raising money for it And the clients name is always there And the clients name always cares
The moon is made of cheese But I cant taste it But I like the way the texture feels When I lick the surface Then the rumors start to go ’round the world That Im crazy cause I can’t even taste cheese But I guess they dont know me The grass is always green But I just changed it To remind me of the way it was when the world was younger And the TVs on the radio And the telephones on the stereo And the leaves turn to a colorful shade of turquoise And the birds are made of trees Think Ive explained this And they fly around on an airplane In the business class section And the ants crawl in the Earths surface And the turtles roll through the street And the orchestras playing symphonies for free And the church holds the key The moon is pretty cheap
When I get older Im gonna be stronger So I can lift up the whole entire world Im gonna hold it And lift it higher Higher than its been before When I hear music I get excited Im gonna sing songs to the whole entire world And when the whole world sings to the music Thats when Ill know it worked But my friends say Im still a baby Then they threw away my baby shoes Well, excuse me, Im going sailing Into the ocean blue When I get older Im gonna be wilder And write poetry in my spare time And Ill use some very interesting metaphors And then post my poems online Heres a poem about rain And the water droplets that it creates And I wonder if you feel it this way And I wonder if it seems okay Heres a poem about fame And the strange things famous people say And the strange world that hears them say it Almost every single day When I get older Im gonna drive slowly Til I get to all the places Im going And when I get there Im gonna drive backwards Til we get home again And Im faced with so many changes That I just might change my face But face paint seems a bit tenacious So I just might paint my brain When I get younger Im gonna be a liar Ill be lying about being so young Then when Im older Ill be more truthful And then lie about singing this song Then the song will sing me And the song wont sing it for free And I dont quite know what it means And it feels like the song knows me Then Im hearing it in my dreams And each dream seems pretty sweet And the music cured my disease Then the songs complete When I get older Im gonna be stronger So I can lift up the whole entire world Im gonna hold it And lift it higher Then Ill lift it more
Got some money, got some cash Im rich and now Im sad And I wonder if Im sad about the money that I have Got some boats on my plane At the hotel where Im staying Just in case I ever have to swiftly get away And the window is broken And cold winds are blowing in at me Thats when I knew that the fairytale was true And tomorrow Im going out to sea Got some money in my hand And it makes me mad Because I dont know what money means Everyone knows that the world is cold And you can warm it up with a little true love And I wish to explain all the ways that Friends and lovers can go all the way Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to me One day well feel complete Happy birthday to somebody in the streets Whos been waiting patiently Got money, some cash I keep it in my head And I think about it all day but I cant spend it Hello its a Tuesday show Cause Wednesday seems so long ago I said it three or four songs ago Its time for the show Got some money in my hat And it makes me seem tall I can see where all the money in the world has gone Its swimming! Across the floor of the ocean Peacefully floating there Its 4.95, some call it 3.99 Some call it a billion Money is bad I dont understand what to do with it Or how to deal with it, yeah Or tell my friends What it does How it works What its worth And if it can change the world Yeah
Im a princess And I think about the diamonds in the sky too often Do you love me? Or have things gone astray? Mmm, buckets Catch the dreams as they fall from my ceiling And earthquakes come and go all afternoon Im a princess And I wonder about my neighbors Even though I dont have them But theyre listening to every word I say Back on the road, back down the road downtown I dont have courage but I have something else And its more than words Im ridiculous, Im feeling very particular About my world Chaka Khan What an interesting song Tell me where I belong Tell me whats going on, where I went wrong And whats the message in this song? Where are the lessons in this song? Tell it to me once before Im gone Respect me, Im a princess All the soldiers that surround me And make sure Im lonely Through the daydream, dreamed that its okay Open the door, close the door Got to get through the other side of the door Open the door Mm, theres got to be more Theres got to be so much more But I dont know what its there for I dont know what were here for Sometimes I think of it when I sleep And Im dreaming about my friends in need Step into the machine and feel the dreams And all the ingredients in the dream See what makes them seem so appealing Oops, there goes the ceiling Oh, Im a princess Excuse me, I read that wrong, Im a dunce
I wanna be a movie star Do you ever feel bad? Do you ever get sad? Maybe thats just what youre supposed to do Do you have a nice car? Do you live in a cool house? Nobody knows what youre going through I wanna be a movie star Do you ever make plans? Do you ever have sex? Maybe thats just what youre supposed to do Maybe we can go out Would you rather stay in? Everyone wants more than just a friend I wanna be a movie star I wanna be a movie star And I know youre probably wondering who you are And I know it might seem lonely, but weve come so far Do you like to wear pants? Do you love to fly planes? Maybe thats just what youre supposed to do Maybe we should sell out Maybe we can buy gold Maybe we can just go back home Im gonna be a movie star Im gonna be a movie star Im gonna be a movie star Im gonna be a movie star
Im best friends with my own front door I just closed it, but its opening more Then the cops came, and they sent me to jail But tomorrow Im gonna open it again Im the postman, and Ive got cool clothes Im the neighbors, and Im wearing cool shoes And Im dreaming of a brand new world And Im hoping that it comes real soon But I saw a sign I saw the sign Its a bad, bad sign Said Its not gonna happen And its not what it seems Youre not gonna make it And its not meant to be But fuck them, I just climbed a huge mountain But everyone told me I couldnt do it And I feel real nice Cause I got lots of money in my bank account And I walk down the street People throw things at me Like breakfast and strength tests How much can I bench press? Time to win some awards Im gonna do everything that youre not supposed to do Im gonna open to page 1 and then skip ahead to page 2 Cause Im hungry and scared, and I cant find the truth So Im leaving Oh, theres my balloon Over the trees, under the bridge and over the town Im gonna tell you the things that Im feeling out loud And they changed all the rules, then I wrote them all again Thats how the game begins Oh, thats how I get home again
A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P Q-R-S and T-U-V Baby, W-X-Y-Z I said W-X-Y-Z A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P Q-R-S and T-U-V And then W-X-Y-Z It go 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 Im alive And Im alright Its just fine And Im going to make things right A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P Q-R-S and T-U-V Baby, W-X-Y-Z I sing W-X-Y-Z
Youre free to do whatever you want to Youre free to do whatever you need to Youre free to do whatever you want to Youre free to do whatever you need to I just moved into a church And I want to express myself to the world Im too shy to do it Im afraid to speak my mind I wanna shout, I wanna shout I wanna scream to the sky, and get everyone high Cause I just found out the meaning of life But I still hesitate Yeah I wanna go back in time Back to the year everyone was born And show them how to understand The possibilities that they own Show you where faith comes from Show you how to make things good But I just cant get over my fear Man, I wish I could Youre free to do whatever you want to Youre free to do whatever you need to Youre free to do whatever you got to All night long And its Wednesday And its Thursday And I cant seem to find my way Youre free to do whatever you wont do
One, two, three, four Fuck you Im going to New Canaan, Pennsylvania Im going to New Canaan for a late night snack And by late night I mean middle of the afternoon And Im never coming back Let me stop in Harlem to explain what I mean Im actually going to Connecticut Oh, Im going to New Canaan, Pennsylvania To have a good time Im riding on a good old fashioned train I hope that good old fashioned train dont get derailed Im hungry and starving for food and women But I aint gonna turn back yet The season is winter And the sky is so blue And I am so blue for you It feels just like summer And my nose is blue Cause I lie about details When my dreams dont come true And I always feel for you Every word I say is true Im going on a journey to the countryside Goin on a trip to see what I can find Looks like a 12-figure income town But I love the shade of those license plates Im gonna go to Starbucks and play my ukulele Under the bright blue sky Im goin to New Canaan and everything feels just right Oh, its summer And the sky has turned grey My dreams are sailing away Im goin crazy and Im feeling blue Cause I know where Im going But not what to do And I always dream of you Every word I say is true Yep, its true Mmm Even though I make up some kinda weird dumb shit Its true It stays true for you
The Easter bunny told me that Christmas isnt real But Santa Claus is still Jesus The gift-giving season is an interesting reason To make everyone fall in love Ba da dee da da dee do In a world full of snow Ba da dee da da dee die With the spirit held up high Ba da dee ba bee yo bing bway Everything feels so alive for the very first time The Easter bunny gave me some coupons I can use To buy some love for my valentine Like dump trucks and diamonds and roses and walnuts And gift cards to the diamond store But those roses and diamonds are all over the floor Theyve got pretty cool prices but I think we can lower it And if you dont enjoy them well let you buy more At the diamond store The Easter bunny showed me that English isnt real And the only language is feelings Its the Christmas season and theres gifts on the trees And the material world is not enough Ba da dee da da dee do In a world full of drones Ba da dee da da dee die And I think I can fly Ba da di ba bee yo bing bway Everything seems so inspired and I cant seem to fight it Ba da do di dee dum wow London Bridge is falling down Ba da do du dun dee Why is the West Coast on fire? Ba da dum dey whey oh dee why hey Everything looks so embrightened The Easter Bunny told me that Christmas isnt real But Santa Claus is still a Twitter meme
CHORUS: Maybe I could eat blades of grass. DAMIEN: Hi, Im Damien Maymdien. I know what youre probably thinking, and Ive heard it a hundred times. People come up to me and they say, Damien, why is everything so dumb and stupid? Well, thats a great question, and Ill answer it for you. First, lets plant some trees. Okay, what was your question? Oh yeah. The world is stupid. Right. Okay. Well, have you ever found love? Have you ever been in love? CHORUS : I have, its pretty wonderful. DAMIEN: Have you ever flown a bird or been flown by a bird? Have you ever-- Wait, no. Lets skip that one. Have you ever carried a dozen bricks down a brick road through a brick door and into a brick house? CHORUS: Yes, Ive done that! DAMIEN: Okay, good, good. Just taking some notes here. Are you a lamb? AUDIENCE: No. DAMIEN: Are you a lamp? AUDIENCE: Sure! DAMIEN: Ah, check that one off. Have you ever been-- What does that say? Have you ever been betrayed, abandoned, or otherwise made an incoherent fool out of? CHORUS: Yep, sure, thats me. Thats me. And I hope that you believe me. Believability Bob beeps as he calculates his believability. DAMIEN: Heres a rock, with a plaid shirt. Thats stupid. Everything is stupid.
The video opens with a lightbulb flashing wfaoie, and then switches to the title of the video in alternating fonts. NARRATOR: Got a map. I love these things. Let’s look at Greenland. It’s made of ice, it could melt, that would be pretty interesting-- CHORUS: Im getting ahead of myself! NARRATOR: If someone tells you they live in Greenland, they probably live in its capital city, Nuuk. CHORUS: Nuuk! NARRATOR: Theres a school, a bus, a mall, a church, and a very wavy building to do concerts. HANS EGEDE: Ill be up here on a pedestal holding my stick. CHORUS : Im the founder! Hes the founder! HANS EGEDE: Guess where I’m from! That’s right, I came here to make everyone Christian. Someone did that before but it wore off so, I came here to do it again. It was a smashing success and now I’m a statue in three places. NARRATOR: Wanna know more about Greenland? Too bad, I’m going to tell you about Mexico. NARRATOR: Used to be bigger. Let’s go to Clipperton, never mind there’s nobody there. But there’s boobys if you’re interested! The capital of Mexico is Mexico City. Seems plausible. CHORUS: But wait, its Aztec! NARRATOR: That’s true, before Europe invaded, the Aztec capital of the world was right there. CHORUS: But then Cortés came and smashed it. NARRATOR: Meanwhile, still unsmashed is the Inca empire. A very powerful and unique empire. No wheels in this empire, very powerful nonetheless. Until, Fransísco Pízarro-- CHORUS: Came and smashed it. NARRATOR: Join me now as I sail over the Andes mountains and contemplate the vast spiritual emptiness of doing a video without a topic. Surely, I’ve frolicked too hard. I shall search for my punishment. Here’s Antarctica, they must have lots of punishments there. Narrator arrives at an embassy in Antarctica. NARRATOR: Yes, hello I’d like to be punished. SECRETARY: Do you have an appointment? NARRATOR: No, I was just in the neighborhood and then-- Narrator gets punished. NARRATOR: Hooray! Well, I guess that concludes this episode. And I know I forgot to talk about Velcro, but we’ll mention that in another episode. The outro music plays as the words on the screen read science, engineering, technology, coherent topics.
In California, you can smoke marijuana In California, you can smoke marijuana In California In California In California In California, you can do what you wanna do In Alabama, you can smoke marijuana In Alabama, you can do what you wanna In Alabama In Alabama And, in Alabama In Alabama, you can do what you wanna do Its alright, its alright Everybody makes the rules Oh, its alright, its just fine Cause America was made for you In West Virginia, you can smoke marijuana In Pennsylvania, you can smoke marijuana In Arizona Up in Colorado Even in Indiana In Minnesota, you can do what you wanna do Its alright, its alright Everybody plays the fool, oh Its alright, its just fine Cause America was made for two In California, you can smoke marijuana In- In- In California, you can love who you want to
NARRATOR: Soap tips. Things you can do with soap, or ways to use soap. Buy soap. Get it from the store, or just rent it. Take it home, wash your house! Invite some friends over, talk about soap. Theyre not interested in soap. Thats too bad! Move to Canada. You can wash Canada! Nope, its already clean. NARRATOR: I wonder if soap comes from the natural process of evolution, or if it was a gift from God? NARRATOR: Knock knock, its the soap gods! SOAP GODS: Quick survey about the soap: How are you liking the soap so far? NARRATOR: Its okay. SOAP GODS: Thats good. Were gonna make more of it, except you will like it more because it will taste better and be more addictive. CHORUS: Lets go to Africa and find love in the jungle! NARRATOR: Found it! I also found some soap. NARRATOR: Part 2. Advanced Techniques. Teleport some soap. Teleport yourself and leave the soap where it is. Try this one: You can walk 100 miles and the soap will be there when you get there because you sent it through the postal system. NARRATOR: Oh no, its a natural disaster! NARRATOR: I wonder what would happen if you took soap and combined it with soap and merged their properties and characteristics? Its something to think about. NARRATOR: Anyway, I hope you like my video.
Hello, hello, sexy pants Hello, hello, hello, sexy pants Whered you get those pants? Whered you get those pants? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello I wanna know why it hurts so bad Hello, sexy pants Dya know that I like your pants? Id like to take a walk with you Through the hills of France And its easy as one, two Its a one, two dance You can make a wish come true In your one, two pants But down in Congress All the boys get mad Hello, lets be friends Take a friendly chance And go all around the world In a friendly stance Then go to Pyongyang And shake some hands Every day, its such a lovely day To wake up in the morning And everywhere, somebody lonely is still feeling blue At the clothing store, nobody tells you That the whole world is changing At the grocery store, someone will tell you That what changed is you Hello, sexy lamp Oh, thats a sexy lamp You can light the whole darn sky At 2 a.m Way down in Congress The lights go black Simon says I cant remember anything Ive been doing Or anything I remember I dont care as long as we find out What were supposed to do Hello, Simon Says Let me sign your checks
Go back to where you come from Go back to where you belong Im waiting Seems like its over and done Looks like youre here all alone Seems like theres nobody home Seems like theres nobody home Im crazy Im crazy Im changing And its raining No time to talk on the phone No time to say what you want Cause thats already been done Cause youre already in love Im crazy Im crazy Im changing And its raining Its changing Im famous Im a baby Im wasted
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Im finally on my way Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Todays a brand new day And the skys so blue I dont know what to do And the skys so grey I dont know what to say And we sing ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Love is here to stay Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Praise the goddamn day And I cant go on If I dont know where Im going And I cant go back If I know where Im at And we sing ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay-oh ay Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Im finally on my way Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Gonna find a way Hallelujah Todays a brand new day
No one likes to be lonely Its not easy Sometimes lifes pretty borin And cheesy Thats okay with me Maybe its the way its supposed to be Maybe if you change your mind, we could just get high I know you dont believe it Its a new day Im sure youll find a reason To think that its too late Thats okay baby Cause you know you dont have to live that way Maybe you could take some time, when the time feels right And I know that youve been afraid And I know that youve felt uncool And I know that you feel ashamed To do what you want to do Dont try to tell your mama That its gonna be alright Youll never explain to your father That the sun shines Thats okay with me Maybe its the way its supposed to be Maybe if you change your mind, we could just get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high We could get high
Whats going on Everythings broken, but it feels so strong Whats going wrong I just wanna know, so I can sing my song I know that you cant find a reason But give me a chance to believe it And weve got to know whats going on Weve got to know so we can be strong Its time to come home, but its been so long And were broken Walk through the door Everythings changing, but I cant be sure Im not scared anymore Cause I got to know what we came here for I know that you think that its over But maybe were just getting closer And weve got to know whats going on Weve got to know so we can stay strong Its time to go home, but its been so long And were broken And we cant go on And you cant come home Open the door Cause I got to know if theres something more Whatever it is Ill believe it And weve got to know whats going on Weve got to know so we can be strong Cant go alone and we cant stay long And you know this And weve got to know whats going on Got to know cause its been so long Its time to go home but we cant go Til its over
Ive got a thing Ive gotta say It has to do with you Theres something that Im tryna tell you Gimme just one minute so I can say it I want to tell you my feelings And Id like to explain to you my emotions I dont really know how Im gon do it But Ive got to find a way Cause I love you Cause I love you Cause I love you I do, its true There I said it Now Im gonna go down the hall and have breakfast Cause thats the next thing on my checklist
NARRATOR: Yes, I think you can see the significance of this. Its gone. The ball is gone. Where did it go? CHORUS: Its rolling down the lonely road. Wondering if theres any place to go. NARRATOR: The castle. Go to the castle. CHORUS: Go into the castle. Let all my troubles float away. Gonna get hassled- OWL: Hey! You cant go in this castle. BALL: I already did. OWL: You cant. BALL: I already did. OWL: You cannot go into this castle. BALL: Where is the castle? OWL: Here. BALL: Am I already in it? OWL: No. Yes. Go to jail. CHORUS: Im in jail now. And Im mad at the jail. BALL: Ha! That was a fake jail. Made out of cardboard. Im back. Dont bounce me off the wall again, that was mostly violent. CHORUS: Violence. Dont do it.
Its gonna be alright Its gonna be just fine Mmm-hmm Sad day in the neighborhood Aint nobody feel no good You feel no good Your last lady friend tore you apart She left you with a broken heart She broke your heart Its gonna be alright Its gonna be just fine If anybody wonderin How I know Its written in the sky Anything you wanted to do, but People told you you could not do You can do Anything you wanted to be, but Hater tell you you could not be You can be Its gonna be alright Its gonna be just fine If anybody wonderin How I know Its written in the sky Youre made to do the things you do And I know you are ready to do it I know that its crazy But you just have to see it through Its gonna be alright Its gonna be just fine And it feels like Ive told you a thousand times Its gonna be just fine Its gonna be alright Its gonna be just fine If anybody wants to ax me why Its written in your eyes
I got the rhythm I got the blues Ive got no reason To answer to you I got no reason to go home I got no reason to go home I got no reason to go home alone, when I Know that its not that fun I can play all-day I can play all-day I can play til the cows come home I know they wont And you can forget all of that dumb stupid information And you can go back to one lovely drive and drive down the lane And its winter time and Im high enough And its summer time and Im high enough And I came to fly once more And I came to try once more I can play, all-day I can play all-day I can play these games every day And I came to know what this really means So please dont hurt me Oh, dont tell anyone Im crazy Just believe in me Just believe in me I got them dollars I got the blues Ive got no reason To share them with you And its winter time and Im sad enough And its summer time and Ive had my luck Gonna spend it all on drugs Gonna spend it all on drugs And theres no more joy Pleasure in anything Pleasure in anything Pleasure in anything Theres no more pain Pleasure in anything Pleasure in anything Pleasure in anything Aww yeah Gotta go back to the mall, I forgot a couple of things
Boxes taste like mush Boxes taste like mush Boxes taste like mush Boxes taste like mush Im a diamond Im a diamond Im a die-twice right-minded diamond In two In blue For you
CHORUS: What is love? NARRATOR: Fruit? No. Bread? No. Fruit and bread? Probably not. CHORUS: Is it a conversation? Shows a conversation between Jim and Pat : Jim: hi Pat: hi Jim: hi Pat: hi Jim: do you like mice Pat: no Jim: bye Pat: bye , therefore identifying it is not love. CHORUS: Is it a fruitful sales deal? NARRATOR: Yes! Actually no . CHORUS: Is it a hearty breakfast? Shows a bowl of Pablao Rectangles!® NARRATOR: Mmm, my favourite brand. Scrolling through a list of items that are capable of love, including: i LOVE moms i LOVE the beach i LOVE electronics i LOVE the mexican nation i LOVE inside / outside baseball i LOVE crowd surfing i LOVE a warm night by the fire i LOVE early bollywood films i LOVE social justice i LOVE competitive vaping i LOVE stairs CHORUS: Is it a four-letter word that you can use in various ways that are mostly positive? CHORUS: Hell yeah.
I was rollin down the river Tryna learn some English Tryna get my groove on Tryna leave my bedroom Im confused Im confused Im confused I love you Im confused
Ngiueh
Rabbit snakes, rabbit snakes Rabbit snakes, rabbit snakes Rabbit snakes, I dont think I dont think rabbits make mistakes I can see these bars I can see these bars I can count to 12 And I can see these bars Monkeys have no frame! Monkeys have no frame! Monkeys have no frame Im frustrated And I got to get myself out of this room really quick Im so frustrated I think I might just throw a Tantrum or hissy fit Cause I got to get out of here quick Cause I got to see the light of day See the light of day Got to see the light of day Because I been stuck in here so long That I think I just might be wastin away Marshmallow, cranberry pie I bet you think I buried Paul But maybe someday I will If he outlives Ringo Starr But if I do But if I do But if I do But if I do Dont get confused Ive got to get myself out of here Before this whole thing disappears Why do I feel so insecure Theres got to be some mirror I can crawl into Got to be somewhere I can go through Hey Give me the light of day Give me the light of day Cause I think I been Cause I think I been Cause I think I been Cause I think Ive been wastin away Think I cant take no much longer and Im, and Im Gonna do it right now Think Im gon break away, break away
NARRATOR: Q&A, whats the- CHORUS: History of the world?! NARRATOR: Once upon a time, we were lost in space. We still are.
Hi Bye
Hey Jodie Foster Is that your new Chevrolet? I see that its got a lot of miles on it Hey Junior Murvin Youve got no space to behave Is that your new green hat on the side of the stage? Baby, you can drive my car Oh, youre gonna go so far You can do anything You can do anything Hey Mr. Gibson Is that your new feature film? Is that your new long short film about how you need a new girlfriend? Its too easy to fall in love Its too easy to fall in love Youre not gonna know when its too soon Youre not gonna know when its past due Youre not gonna know And youre not gonna choose To go it alone Hey Redskin Jenkins I hear youve been tryna steal first base I hear youve been tryna steal the game Right after stealin first base Taking first place Hey Cobweb Michaels Get outta the way so I can get thru Get outta the way so I can get thru I said get outta the way so I can get thru
HOST: Hey, so welcome to my unboxing, subscribe. TEXT ON SCREEN: HOST: Hi. Its another unboxing video. Like and subscribe, thanks. Here we go. opens first box Damn it, its another box. I wonder whats... opens the second box Oh, its a pair of cool sunglasses. CHORUS: Yea, baby, got cool sun-glasses. HOST: I think Im gonna like these sunglasses because it improves: Self-esteem, hire-ability, interpersonal relationships- Next box. Already unboxed. Theres something inside... What is it? Dust. Thats a great product, I have that one at home. Are there any more boxes? Yes. Theres one more, it says FRAGILE do not open Hmmm... I wonder if- Well, thanks so much for doing the unboxing with us. CHORUS: If you find something in a box, just wait patiently And think carefully, and you just might figure out what the darn thing is.
NARRATOR: Oh, nothing, I was just- CHORUS: Shaving my piano! Shows a Gillette® logo at the bottom left of the screen.
Im from the west coast To eat French toast And Im cool
Its hard to know what you want to do today Cause all the people who could tell you died yesterday Even if you try to understand, you cant Because theres no one in the world who understands Open up your eyes and see the past, gone so fast Everybody needs a second chance Each day you can make somebody new feel great And you can change Each day I remember where Im trying to go And it just aint anywhere that I can go But now I know Now I know Now its all under control Now I can find The road The road I found the road, so
Seventeen is the number for me Seventeen is the number for me Seventeen is the number for me Cause I got to believe Roadrunners Roadrunners Roadrunners Talkin bout rollin thunder Put on your dancing shoes And Im going to Tell you what to do Meet me in the middle of this Shy, supple, blue little world And well get on all our shoes And well dance the night away Cause you mean more than anything Dance the night away
Sometimes you cant say what you mean Sometimes you cant do what you feel But you know what love is And what love does And what love says And what love means And where love goes And what love is Sometimes you dont know what to do Sometimes you dont know what to say But you know that I know And we know And he knows And she knows And they know that its okay Youve got to be real I dont know why sometimes its so hard to do You know the way it goes So why dont you let the world know Sometimes your friends are all confused But they say the one confused is you So do what you want to And mean to And plan to And will do And shall do cause you need to You got to be free Why, oh, why is it sometimes so hard to see You know the way it goes So why dont you tell the world so Sometimes you cant say what you mean Sometimes you cant do anything But you know what love is And what love does And what love says And what love means And where love goes And what love needs And what love brings And what love gives And what love has And what love holds And what love sees And what love shows And what love knows And what love is
This record has verses This record has verses This record has verses And Im so proud Ive got a way to say things that makes everything make more sense now And I think Im gonna tell it to the Whole wide world When freedom comes knockin It gon take you by surprise When freedom takes hold of you There aint no turning back Killing is the answer And I dont know why Murdering is the answer And I just dont know why Braille Braille Said you got to be blind Got to be blind to no avail Said you got to be Said you got to be blind to no avail
I wanna make a chemical reaction Where I mix rubber and burnt rubber I wanna do it in the name of scientific exploration I got medium experience Ive got medium credification Ive got medium qualifadentials, and Ive got a medium attitude Aprons Basketball
Imma say something dumb At the top of the song And itll be approximately 4 bars long Then Im gonna show you how to change the world Then Im gonna show you how to make it cool Go home Write poems And wear a nice coat And before you know it Itll be Tuesday Itll be Tuesday and thats okay
I like spending time with myself I like spending time with myself I like relaxing I like doing things that cant be done I like moving things that cant be moved I like doing things that cant be done I like moving things that cant be moved I like saying things that cant be said I like talking on the phone I like drifting from place to place when the seasons change Its so cold down in Alabama Its so cold out in L.A Its so easy to tell yourself the wrong thing Its so hard to predict the future Its so easy to get stoned Its so hard to remember what youre doing until its done I cant see you I cant feel you I dont know you I dont need you Can I get a oh damn yeah Oh damn Can I get a oh damn, get a oh damn yeah Said oh d-d-d-d-d-damn yeah, s-s I said d-d-oh-d-d-d-d-damn yeah
Im gonna clean my room After the sun burns out and the sky falls down Im gonna clean my room After the sun burns out and the sky falls down Shows the text brb cleaning room
Mother, mother can you help me? Cant believe the things I see Father, father can you tell me? Why the children cant be free? What can I do? What can I do? What should I do? What is a boy to do? I guess Ive got to listen to Bob Marley See what Mister Wise Man have to say I guess Ive got to listen to Bob Marley Ill be a better man someday The street beneath my feet is broken Still I cant quite remember why And all the sidewalks are so lonely People who walk up on them crying What can I do? What should I do? What is a man to do? I guess Ive got to listen to Bob Marley See what Mr. Wise Man have to say I know Ive got to listen to Bob Marley Hope to see a brighter day I guess Ive got to listen to Bob Marley See what Mr. Wise Man have to say I guess Ive got to listen to Bob Marley Got to find a better way I got to know which road to take I got to know which game to play Everyone keep holdin on, floatin on Youve got to keep goin strong Aint nobody know whats goin on Got to find a better way Hope to see a brighter day Til then Ive got to listen to my good friend That I can still remember from way back when Help me find a way, way
Write a tune that really sucks Write a tune that really sucks I said write a tune that really sucks And then duck
Hello Im a piece of garbage
I just did a bad thing I regret the thing I did And youre wondering what it is Tell you what I did I did a bad thing Im having a bad day Its turning into a bad year All the things Im supposed to do And the places Im supposed to go Are canceled Hey, whats the name of this game? How do you play it? And how long does it take? How many times is the game going to change? Hey, help me out of this place Out into the real world Where maybe things can go my way Oh, everything goes my way Oh, everyone knows my name Having a bad dream I wondеr what this bad dream means I wonder if Im sad I wondеr if Im glad If Im just having a sad, glad dream Its a sad, bad, and bad, glad dream And I wont get mad about the dream If you promise to believe in me Its a sad, bad and mad, glad scheme Its the best scheme I have And thats bad enough for me And I wont get sad if you dont Seize how mad, glad my schemes can be Just did a bad thing Ive ruined everything And Ive let the things I ruined ruin me Hey, whats the name of this game? How do you play it? And how long should it take? How many times is the game supposed to change? Hey, get me out of this place Out into the real world Where maybe things can go my way Oh, everything goes my way Oh, everything goes astray Just did a strange thing Now everythings pink
Yeah This is a studio in Metropolitan Avenue, at Lorimer Street Yeah, sunny day Well, I got three months to write a song, to write a song for you And Im gonna take my time and say exactly what I mean Damn, seems like writing songs is a lot like being in prison And I realize that the only one who put me there is me, yeah Got to break free, I need to break free But I only changed my mind again and then Im left behind Oh, I wish that I could make up my mind again this time But my brain is still in black and white Oh, I think I used this melody one thousand times before And the worst part is that Im not sure if Im the one who wrote it Probably stole it from some song my mommy used to sing me Maybe its just something off the radio or TV I got to break free, I need to break free Cause I cannot take the pain of being locked up this way One day youll find me in paradise, Ill be saying what I need to say One more time, alright Say anything you want, to do anything you need Say what you mean, do what you mean Oh, please, please, please Got to break free Ive so got to breathe, but I always lose my mind And then Im standing in line I cant remember the last time I truly said what was on my mind And I dont mean to waste your time I wish that I could truly break free some time But freedom is hard to find Freedoms hard to find Baby, Im trying Baby, I think Im dying
Im stuck in a rut
I have a bike and I ride it around town Seein all the beautiful things in my neighbourhood Listenin to the breeze as it rolls out to sea I wish that I could take you there with me Time ticks by as I close my eyes and dream Oh, the 70s are dead and gone And the 80s were just the waste of new game shows Then you and I was born and we wanted something more And its time for us to shine And its time to make things right Oh, I sit in silence and watch the clouds go by And try to make sense of each passing day Though Im not all alone, I still feel all alone As Im living in this lonely country Oh, in 1989 things changed And the world realized its okay to turn the page But what does that mean, and does it involve me? Cause its time for us to shine And its time to make things right I am a mime and I live inside a box But you know that the walls isnt really there One day Ill escape like the ghost of Kurt Cobain And Ill sing about the way you still be Life goes by as I look to the sky and scream Oh, its been about a hundred years Since we all began hurriedly doing our thing And we were almost there in the 60s But there was just one thing left to do Just to give birth to me and you Oh, the 70s are dead and gone And the 80s was just the waste of terrible news Then you and I was born and we wanted something more And its time for us to shine And its time to make things right Hey, mhmm
Hi, youre on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of its water. Actually, most of its water. I cant even get from here to there without buying a boat NARRATOR: Its sad. Im sad. I miss you The camera pans left across the globe to show more sad stick figures also standing on South America, North America, and Europe CHORUS: How did this happen? NARRATOR: A long time ago- Actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didnt happen. Nothing was never anywhere. Thats why its been everywhere. Its been so everywhere, you dont need a where. You dont even need a when. Thats how every it gets A long pause happens NARRATOR: Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know its possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just dont know when to start, and thats exactly where it started The sound of VCR fast forwarding plays NARRATOR: Ooh, I paused it. I think theres a universe now. Whats it made of? CHORUS: Quarks and stuff! NARRATOR: Ah, thats a thing, in a place. Dont like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier, but its not empty yet. Its still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees About no seconds pass NARRATOR: Great news! The quarks are now happily married and in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and theres something else floating around too that wants to join in but cant because its still too- An explosion goes off while the screen says, HOT. 10 minutes pass NARRATOR: Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. Some of them even doubled up About 380,000 years pass NARRATOR: Great news! The electrons have now joined in. Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but its getting closer together... 10 million years pass NARRATOR: ...and its getting closer together... 500 million years pass NARRATOR: ...and its getting closer toget- An explosion occurs CHORUS: Its a star! NARRATOR: New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit... CHORUS: Space dust! NARRATOR: ...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into- CHORUS: Even crazier space dust! NARRATOR: ...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things, like this ball of flaming rocks for example NARRATOR: Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of made a mess, which is- CHORUS: Now the Moon! The year is now -4,000,000,000 NARRATOR: Weather update, its raining rocks from outer space NARRATOR: Weather update, those rocks might have had water inside them, and now, theres hot steam in the sky NARRATOR: Weather update, cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava NARRATOR: Weather update, its raining NARRATOR: Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean NARRATOR: Volcano alert! CHORUS: Thats land! OCEAN: Theres life in the ocean NARRATOR: What? CHORUS: Somethings alive in the ocean IMMATERIAL OBSERVER : Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal? The camera zooms in on a single-cell organism NARRATOR: No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever The cell divides NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, and it can do that Those cells divide many more times NARRATOR: It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So thats pretty nifty, I would say NARRATOR: Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? CHORUS: Now you can eat sunlight! The year is now -3,000,000,000 NARRATOR: Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food CHORUS: Taste the sun! The year is now -2,300,000,000 NARRATOR: Side effect, now theres oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times The year is now -500,000,000 NARRATOR: Its a sponge. Its a plant. Its a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish CHORUS: Its the Cambrian explosion! IO: Wow, thats animals and stuff SEA LIFE: But were still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land? CHORUS, as LAND: No! SEA LIFE: Why? CHORUS, as LAND: The sun is a deadly lazer! SEA LIFE: Oh, okay CHORUS: Not anymore, theres a blanket NARRATOR: Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, lets go on land FISH: Nope, cant walk yet. And theres no food yet, so I dont care 100 million years pass LAND: Okay, will you learn to walk if theres plants up here? SOME BUGS AND FISH: Maybe NARRATOR: ...said some bugs... and fish The year is now -380,000,000. FISH grunts because it is struggling to get on land, for it has no legs. 5 million years pass. The year is now -375,000,000. FISH now has legs, for it has evolved into an AMPHIBIAN AMPHIBIAN: Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to- CHORUS: Have babies! The word idea flashes on to the screen NARRATOR: Learn to use an egg AMPHIBIAN: I was already doing that NARRATOR: Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have a baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg The year is -312,000,000 AMPHIBIAN OFFSPRING: Works for me CHORUS: Bye bye, ocean! 50 million years pass NARRATOR: And now everythings huge. Including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? IO: Sure The year is now -252,000,000. A globe is presented. The camera starts to pan around it when a large explosion happens, destroying a land mass on the globe the size of a continent. Text pops onto the screen reading PERMIAN EXTINCTION. The Permian Extinction has occurred NARRATOR: Oh fuck, now everythings dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors The thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, and proterosuchus are shown NARRATOR: Keep your eye on this one... The proterosuchus is circled. 75 million years pass NARRATOR: ...cause its about to become the dinosaurs. Heres another map of the land The globe is shown again. It does not yet look like the Earth we know today; many of the continents are in pieces or out of place NARRATOR: Yeah, it broke apart. Dont worry about that. It does that all the time The year is now -66,000,000 NARRATOR: Here comes a meteor A meteor comes into frame and hits the globe near what is today called Central America CHORUS: And the dinosaurs are gone! NARRATOR: Its mammal time! Here come the mammals; look at those breasts The year is now -15,000,000 NARRATOR: Now, theyre gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff, and walk The year is now -4,000,000. A transition from one of humans older ancestors to one of humans younger ancestors is shown NARRATOR: No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time The year is now -3,000,000 NARRATOR: And bang rocks together to make pointed rocks IO: Ouch The year is now -1,500,000 NARRATOR: And set things on fire IO: Yeouch The year is now -200,000 NARRATOR: And make crazy sounds with their voice CAVEMAN: Gneurshk NARRATOR: Which can mean different things Via the CAVEMANs thought bubble, Gnerushk, is shown to mean, Hi, Bye, and, Can you hand me that rock over there? CHORUS: Thats a human person! NARRATOR: And now theyre everywhere, almost Text pops on to the screen, above the landmass that is today called North America. It reads not here yet. Humans have not migrated there yet. The year is now -20,000. Text pops on to the screen, between what is today the American state of Alaska and the Russian autonomous okrug of Chukotka. The text reads ice age. The ice age is occurring, creating a land bridge between the two landmasses CHORUS: Ice age! HUMANS: What? You can walk over here? Cool! The year is now -10,000 CHORUS: Not anymore HUMANS: Well, I guess were stuck here now NARRATOR: Lets review. Theres people on the planet, and theyre chasing their food HUMAN: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this. I control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Lets all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food. This is great. I wonder if anyone else is doing this The year is now -5000 NARRATOR: Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! Its underground NARRATOR: Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping A sheep baas in the background CHORUS: Guess what happens next! NARRATOR: More food, and more people who came to buy the food, and you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now, you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now, theres more people, and they invent things which makes things better, and more people come, and theres more farming and more people to make more things for more people, and now, theres business, money, writing, laws, power CHORUS: Society! NARRATOR: Coming soon to a dank river valley near you. Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed DISTRAUGHT HUMAN: Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? NARRATOR: Tired of using lame, sad metal? The year is now -3300 NARRATOR: Introducing- CHORUS: Bronze! NARRATOR: Made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land... I dont know, my dealer wont tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what? CHORUS: Egypt! The year is now -2000 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now, were getting somewhere. Also- CHORUS: China! NARRATOR: And did I mention- CHORUS: Indus River Valley Civilization! A society count comes on screen. It lists the four civilizations just named , as the counter counts up from one to four. It pauses for a moment before ticking up to five. A fifth civilization appears on the list. The camera pans right across the globe to what is modern day Peru CHORUS: Norte Chico! NARRATOR: The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because its in the middle of the East The year is now -1600 PEOPLE WITH HORSES: Knock, knock. Er... clop clop NARRATOR: Its the people with the horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses CHORUS: Greeks! NARRATOR: Ah, look, it must be the Greeks. Or, a beta version of the Greeks Text pops up on screen, reading mycenaean greeks. These beta version... Greeks are the Mycenaean Greeks NARRATOR: Lets check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization - theyre gone. Guess whos not gone? CHORUS: China! The year is now -1200 CHORUS: New arrivals in India! Maybe its those horse people I was talking about, or their cousins, or something... And they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff! NARRATOR: You could make a religion out of this The year is now -1150 NARRATOR: Theres the Bronze Age collapse CHORUS: Now, the Phoenicians can get down to business! HUMANS: Also, can we switch to a metal thats a little easier to find? Bronze switches to iron HUMANS: Thanks NARRATOR: Look who came back to Israel - its the twelve tribes of Israel! CHORUS: And they believe in God! NARRATOR: Just one though; hes got like a ten step program NARRATOR: Heres some huge heads. Must be the Olmecs The year is now -800 NARRATOR: The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies The year is now -671 NARRATOR: Here comes the Assyrian Empire The year is now -600 NARRATOR: Nevermind, its the Babyloni- The year is now -580 NARRATOR: Media- The year is now -500 CHORUS: Its the Persian Empire! IO: Wow, thats big NARRATOR: Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! IO: Whos the Buddha? NARRATOR: This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that were all dying. You could make a religion out of this The year is now -475 NARRATOR: Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals The year is now -400 NARRATOR: Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff... The year is now -330 NARRATOR: ...and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian empire. Its a great idea. He was... Great, and now hes dead. Hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them The year is now -305 CHANDRAGUPTA: Knock knock NARRATOR: Its Chandragupta. He says- CHANDRAGUPTA: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants? Okay, thanks. Bye CHORUS: Time to conquer all of India! NARRATOR: Er- CHORUS: Most of India! IO: But what about this part? NARRATOR: Thats the Tamil kings. No one conquers the Tamil kings IO: Who are the Tamil kings? CHORUS: Merchants, probably... And theyve got spices! TAMIL KINGS: Who would like to buy the spices? ARABIANS: Me! NARRATOR: ...said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world The year is now -221 NARRATOR: Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy! Actually, they have three main philosophies Confucianism, Taoism, and legalism appear with the corresponding messages under: having good morals, go with the flow, and fuck you obey the law. The land northwest of Qin China, which is roughly modern-day Mongolia, is circled NARRATOR: Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city The horse nomads repeatedly bump into China with the coin sound effect from Super Mario playing each time they do so. The camera pans left on the globe back to the Ancient Greek Empire NARRATOR: Lets check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. Greekification overload! PARTHIANS: Bye NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians JEWS: Bye NARRATOR: ...said the Jews PARTHIANS: Hi! NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians, taking over the entire place The year is now 1 CE ROMANS: Heyyyyyyyy... NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast JEWS: Thanks for invading our homeland NARRATOR: ...said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland The year is now 30 CE JESUS CHRIST: Hi, everythings great NARRATOR: ...said some guy, who seems to be getting very popular, and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this NARRATOR: Want silk? Now, you can buy it from China. They just made a- CHORUS: Brand new road to the world! China conquers Vietnam CHORUS: Or you can get there on water! INDIA: Sick! New trade routes NARRATOR: ...said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast Funan is highlighted NARRATOR: Hm, thats a good place for an epic trading kingdom The sound of a zooming car plays NARRATOR: There goes Buddhism, traveling up the silk road The year is now 220 NARRATOR: I wonder if itll reach China before it collapses again The year is now 225 NARRATOR: Remember the Persian Empire? PERSIANS: Yep NARRATOR: ...said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? BANTU and MALAY: Lets do it together! The year is now 280 CHORUS: China is whole again! The year is now 320 CHORUS: Then it broke again NARRATOR: Still cant cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels! CHORUS, as GHANA EMPIRE: Hell yeah! Now weve got business! NARRATOR: ...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold and slaves ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Hi, I live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering- CHORUS, as ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Is loving Jesus legal yet? ROME: No The year is now 330 CONSTANTINE: Actually, okay, sure NARRATOR: ...said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his- CHORUS: Main rival! CONSTANTINE: Dont worry about Rome; it wont fall The year is now 400 CHORUS: Its the golden age of India! NARRATOR: Theres the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... First name Chandra... The First. Guess whos in Rome CHORUS: Barbarians! NARRATOR: Whats a barbarian? ROMANS: Non-Romans NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans The year is now 476 NARRATOR: R.I.P. Roman Empire. Er, actually just half of it; the other half is just fine, but its not in Rome anymore, so lets give it a new name CHORUS: The Mayans have figured out the stars! NARRATOR: Oh, and heres a huge city, population: everyone The year is now 576 NARRATOR: The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. Hows India? Broken. Hows China? CHORUS: Back together NARRATOR: Hows those trading kingdoms? CHORUS: Bigger, and theres more of them NARRATOR: Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom; its the sunrise kingdom An intermission occurs. The year is now 610 NARRATOR: Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in Muhammads ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake... The year is now 622 NARRATOR: ...and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You can make a religion out of this... The year is now 650 NARRATOR: ...and maybe conquer the world as well. The Roman Empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope! Plus, theres- CHORUS: New kingdoms all over Europe! NARRATOR: I wonder if theres room for Moors The year is now 786 NARRATOR: Heres all the wisdom, in a house: its the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the- CHORUS: Islamic Golden Age! SWAHILI: Lets bring stuff to the coast, and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast NARRATOR: ...said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast NARRATOR: Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now NARRATOR: Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? NARRATOR: The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas The year is now 800 POPE: Surprise! Youre the new Roman Emperor! NARRATOR: ...said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and Not France. The Northerners are exploring. They go north, from the north, to the northern north, and they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly Large text comes on screen reading, prankd. NARRATOR: They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as Vikings The year is now 882 NARRATOR: Theres the Rus, the Kievan Rus IO: Are they Vikings? KIEVAN RUS: I dont think so NARRATOR: ...said the Kievan Rus IO: Okay, fair enough NARRATOR: The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire. Its actually Germany, but dont worry about it! New kingdoms! DISTORTED VOICE: CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS! NARRATOR: Which brand would you like? ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mines better EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCH: Mines better ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mines better The year is now 1066 WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR: Time to conquer England NARRATOR: ...said William The year is now 1071 NARRATOR: Its a bird! Its a plane! Its the Seljuk Turks! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Aah! NARRATOR: ...said the Byzantine Empire, whos getting so small it almost doesnt exist anymore BYZANTINE EMPIRE: We need help! NARRATOR: They need help, so they call the Pope BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Hey, Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks? Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? Come on, I know you want to take back the Holy Land POPE: Yes, I do actually want to do that. Lets do a Crusade The year is now 1099 CHORUS: Crusade! NARRATOR: They did many crusades, some of which almost didnt fail, but at the least the Italians got some sweet trade deals The year is now 1100 NARRATOR: Goodbye, Mayans CHORUS: Hello, Toltecs! NARRATOR: Goodbye, Toltecs CHORUS: Hello, Mississippi! NARRATOR: Look at those mounds! Theres the Pueblo. Ive always wondered how to build a town on a cliff The year is now 1150 NARRATOR: Guess whos here? Khmer! IO: Where? NARRATOR: Here, and Pegan is there! Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself... The year is now 1192 NARRATOR: ...and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing... The year is now 1230. It rapidly starts to count upward as the Mongols spin and fly all over north Asia. The year ends on 1259 NARRATOR: ...and the Mongols just invaded most of the universe. Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time The Mongol Empire that was just formed shatters NARRATOR: Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India Bright, happy text comes on the screen reading, tonga time. NARRATOR: Is it Tonga time? TONGAN: I think its Tonga time! Text comes on screen reading, colonizing the pacific ocean... The Tui Tonga Empire forms NARRATOR: I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold! It is shown that the gold comes from the Great Zimbabwe, as the Great Zimbabwe is highlighted NARRATOR: Look at this chad . Theres an empire there, right in the middle of- CHORUS: Africa! The year is now 1324 NARRATOR: The King of Mali is so rich, hes going on tour to let everyone know NORTH AFRICA and THE MIDDLE EAST: Wow, that guys rich NARRATOR: ...everyone said. The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and Not-Spain IBERIAN PENINSULA: Please remain Christian. We will check in later to see if youre still Christian when you least expect The year is now 1350 NARRATOR: Whoops! Half of Europe just died! CHORUS: Ming! NARRATOR: Chinas back, yay! The year is now 1400 Hey Khmer, time to share! New kingdoms here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands. Its the Mahajapit- The buzz of an incorrect buzzer buzzes NARRATOR: Majahapit- Buzzes NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes NARRATOR: Mahapajit- Buzzes NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes NARRATOR: Ma-ja-pa-hit? The ring of a correct bell rings. The year is now 1450 NARRATOR: Oh, Italys really rich. Time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. Its kinda like a re-birth The text on the screen reads renaissance NARRATOR: Heres a printer, lets make books! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? OTTOMAN TURKS: Yep NARRATOR: ...said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks! The year is now 1453 NARRATOR: Oops, you missed a spot. Dont forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade PORTUGAL: What? Thats bullshit! NARRATOR: ...said Portugal, spiceless CHORUS, as PORTUGAL: Well, I guess well have to find another way to India! CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Wait! NARRATOR: ...said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack COLUMBUS: If the world is round, lets go this way to India! PORTUGAL: Nah, dont worry, we already got this NARRATOR: ...said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain COLUMBUS: Hey, Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around the back of the world? SPAIN: No COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: Okay The year is now 1492 NARRATOR: So he sails into the ocean and discovers... More ocean... And then discovers the Indies and Japan The year is now 1494 SPAIN and PORTUGAL: Lets draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world NARRATOR: The Aztec and Inca Empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent? NARRATOR: The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families that they might have to start marrying each other The year is now 1500 NARRATOR: Move over, Lithuania! Here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids; maybe go invade India or something The year is now 1501 NARRATOR: Persia just made Persia Persian again. Lets make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Hey, Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell MARTIN LUTHER: Thats bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, thats a scam, fuck the church. Heres 95 reasons why NARRATOR: ...said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT: You know what would be magnificent? NARRATOR: ...said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat The year is now 1530 SULEIMAN: What if the Ottoman Empire was really big, which it is now? The year is now 1556 IVAN THE TERRIBLE: What if Russia was big? NARRATOR: ...said Ivan, trying not to be terrible NARRATOR: Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the Spice Trade... and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway! ENGLAND and FRANCE: Damn NARRATOR: ...said England and France ENGLAND and FRANCE: We gotta start pillaging some stuff NARRATOR: Then, the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters move to Amsterdam The year is now 1600 AMSTERDAM: Damn NARRATOR: ...said Amsterdam AMSTERDAM: We gotta start pillaging some stuff ENGLAND, FRANCE, and THE DUTCH: Question 1: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least theres beaver. Question 2: Steal the Spice Trade NARRATOR: Thats not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway CHORUS: Sugar! The year is now 1640 NARRATOR: Guess where all the sugar is made. In Brazil- THE DUTCH: Stolen! NARRATOR: -In the Caribbean, and its so goddamn profitable that you might forget to not do slavery. The next thing on Russias to-do-list is to get bigger The year is now 1754 NARRATOR: Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically Ohio Then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria whos boss IO: But what about Britain and France? Did they figure out whos boss? NARRATOR: Yes, they did! Its Britain. Guess whos broke. Also Britain, so they start taxing the Hell out of America The year is now 1776 AMERICA: Fuck you NARRATOR: ...says America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke... The year is now 1788 NARRATOR: ...and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent IO: Wait, if France is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? The year is now 1794 ROBESPIERRE: Lets overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! NARRATOR: ...says Robespierre, cutting everybodys head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off IO: You could make a religi- NARRATOR: No, dont. Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution... The year is now 1791 NARRATOR: ...especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters TOUSSAINT LOUVERTURE: Why didnt we think of this before? IO: Wait, whos in charge of France now? The year is now 1804 CHORUS, as NAPOLEON: Me! NARRATOR: ...said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island- CHORUS: But he came back! NARRATOR: Luckily, they banished him to another island A burst of horns play NARRATOR: There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American Wars of Independence They last from the year 1812 to about 1830 NARRATOR: Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now, they can make- CHORUS: Many different types of machines, and factories with machines in them, so they can make a lot of products real fast NARRATOR: Then, they invent some trains and conquer India and maybe put some trains there BRITAIN: Hey, China! NARRATOR: ...said Britain BRITAIN: Buy stuff from us! CHINA: Nah, dude, we already got everything NARRATOR: ...says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually, but then, China made it illegal... The year is now 1839 NARRATOR: ...and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try and stop each other from conquering Afghanistan. Also, the- CHORUS: Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now NARRATOR: Thats just where he lives The year is now 1857 NARRATOR: India just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now BRITAIN: Nope NARRATOR: ...said Britain, governing them even harder than before The screen reads, HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE, while the Morse Code for SEXLOL plays in the background CHORUS: Technology is about to go crazy! The year is now 1863 NARRATOR: The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Its bad NARRATOR: ...they decided, and then, they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too The year is now 1884 EUROPE: I know! Lets rape Africa NARRATOR: ...said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. Britain and France are still hungry! The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so theyre looking for more CHORUS: Hawaii and Cuba! IO: Wait! Spain controls Cuba! UNITED STATES: Well, blame something on them, and go to war AMERICANS: What should we blame on Spain? The U.S.S. Maine explodes in the Gulf of Mexico UNITED STATES: Lets blame the Maine on Spain NARRATOR: ...so they blame the Maine on Spain The year is now 1898 AMERICANS: Now, were in business! NARRATOR: To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans The year is now 1908 NARRATOR: Britain just found oil in the Middle East. The year is now 1911 NARRATOR: China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. Europe hasnt had a war since the last war... The year is now 1914 NARRATOR: ...so they start World War I. Look at those guns! Its gonna be a Great War - so great we wont need a second one. After its over, they blame Germany The year is now 1917 NARRATOR: Russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. Now, everyones paycheck is the same The year is now 1922 CHORUS: Communism, in the Soviet Union! NARRATOR: The Arabs revolt... The year is now 1917 NARRATOR: ...and Britain helps BRITAIN: Now, the Ottoman Empire is gone The year is now 1922 BRITAIN: So we can give the- CHORUS: Jewish people a place to live! NARRATOR: Hopefully, the Arabs wont mind SYKES and PICOT: Lets cut the cake! NARRATOR: ...said Sykes and Picot, cutting up the remains of the Not-So-Ottoman-Anymore Empire The year is now 1923 CHORUS: Except Turkey! Turkey makes a brand new Turkey! NARRATOR: ...and then, the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do A phone rings IO: Hello? THE 1920s: Yes, its the 1920s calling. Lets get in a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. The economy is great, and it will probably be great forever- just kidding! A slide whistle with decreasing pitch briefly plays. The year is now 1933 NARRATOR: Germany is back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and hes mad at the Jews for existing. Japan is finally conquering the East, and theyre so excited... The year is now 1937 NARRATOR: ...they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it The year is now 1945 NARRATOR: Hitlers out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain why killing all the Jews is a bad idea. But he kills himself before they could explain it to him CHORUS: Thats World War II! NARRATOR: Bonus Round! Air horns momentarily play in the background NARRATOR: Pacific Showdown: United States versus Japan! Fight! A drop-down menu that reads weapon select pops up, and the U.S. cursor moves down from boat to plane to extinction ball. It is picked, dropped on Japan, and an explosion results. The year is now 1945 NARRATOR: Finish him! Another one is dropped, and another explosion follows NARRATOR: Lets unite all the nations and have some- CHORUS: World peace! NARRATOR: Seems legit GANDHI: Hi, Im Gandhi, and if Britain doesnt get the Hell out of India, Im gonna starve myself in public The year is now 1947. Britain leaves GANDHI: Wow, that worked? NARRATOR: Bonus! Now, theres Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans; one of them can be Bangladesh later. The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the Holy Land JEWS and ARABS: Me! NARRATOR: ...they both said at the same time The year is now 1947 UNITED NATIONS: Lets divide up the land so everyones happy CHORUS: Sike! They both get angrier NARRATOR: Look out, China! The year is now 1949 NARRATOR: Theres a new China in China! Whats on the menu? PEOPLES REPUBLIC of CHINA: Communism! REPUBLIC of CHINA: No, thanks NARRATOR: ...said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China? The year is now 1950 NARRATOR: Theres the Korean War: Korea versus Korea. Nobody wins and then its on pause forever. Lets meet the sponsors! Oh, its the two global superpowers. Theyre having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan. And they both have atom bombs NARRATOR: FIGHT! NARRATOR: Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Lets just keep it cool and spy on each other instead, and make sure we have enough atom bombs The year is now 1957 SOVIET UNION: Ill race you to space The year is now 1969. An American rocket ship is shown to land on the moon SOVIET UNION and UNITED STATES: Now, lets make some more countries fight themselves NARRATOR: Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. So heres a new map, with new countries! Now, you cant tell who theyre being pillaged by The year is now 1963 NARRATOR: The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided its bad, and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it. Lets check the world population A graph is shown, displaying a spike upward in population that jumped from a billion at the beginning of the 1800s to way more around the beginning of the 2000s IO: Whoa... Okay NARRATOR: Technology is better too; that might keep happening. The Soviet Union decides to relax a little... The year is now 1991 NARRATOR: ...and accidentally falls apart. Europe makes a union... The year is now 1999 NARRATOR: ...so now, they can all use the same money, except Britain cause they dont feel like it. Lets check the mail! Surprise! Its on the computer The year is now 2001 NARRATOR: Whoops, someone just attacked America. I bet theyll remember that. Phone call! Surprise! Its in your pocket. Wanna learn everything? Surprise! Its on the computer. Now, your phones a computer, which is in your pocket A chart of the 2008 economic recession is shown NARRATOR: Whoops, the economy just crashed. Dont worry, the big banks wont fail because theyre not supposed to. Surprise! Flying robots, with bombs. Wanna print a brain? Some people have no friends, some people have no food, the globe is warming- CHORUS: And the ocean is full of plastic! EVERYBODY: Lets save the planet! NARRATOR: ...said everybody, not knowing how The year is now 2028 THING INVENTOR INVENTOR: Lets invent a thing inventor NARRATOR: ...said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. Thats pretty cool. By the way, where the Hell are we? Text comes on screen that reads, Thanks for watching history. I hope I mentioned everything.
Apple juice, apple juice David Spock I think I have apple juice in my trousers again
Old MacDonald had a farm Then it exploded
I wanna be stupid I dont wanna be smart I wanna be really stupid In my car Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna hold on to what I got Cause its all I got I wanna hold on to what I want Cause its all I want And it may rain and it may snow And it might all come tumbling down So dont you know what its all about? I wanna be stupid I dont wanna be smart I wanna be really stupid In my car Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna hold on to what I want Cause its all I got I wanna hold on to what I love Cause its all I want And it may rain and it may snow And it might all come tumbling down So dont you know what its all about? I wanna be stupid I dont wanna be smart I wanna be really stupid In my car Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah When I comb my hair, it looks stupid in the mirror When I ride a bike downtown, I feel stupid on the way of doing it When Im filled with classes with schoolroom teachers, that know how to talk to em, be stupid Go, go stupid, when Im learning, I dont, I wanna learn stupid
I dont know how to convince myself to feel okay I tried to figure out how to do it yesterday But I got nowhere I tried to kiss a girl, but I got scared I tried to read some books But I didnt see them Couldnt read them Didnt need them Had to pretend Im so insecure Cant do anything, cant do anything I think Ill just shut up
NARRATOR: How to win at spelling. NARRATOR: Spell bad, spell good, spell fresh! Bribe the judges! Take a plane to space and do your spelling out there where theres more room to think and breathe. DOG IN SPACE: Hooh-haah. NARRATOR: Purchase a spelling kit, then rip out the pieces and rearrange them to your liking. CHORUS : Thats how much fun spelling can be. Wont you spell the world with me?
I can make the seasons change I can make the seasons change I can make the seasons change And I bet I will next May Barf on me Barf on me Barf on me Spew throw-up I didnt warn you that my doctor said To write the creepiest song I can I better warn you first so next time I can go all out Im gonna warn you fools to brace yourselves So I can write my creepy song Im gonna go totally crazy And itll be insane
This is a song for my next album I think Ill write it down Its a song about freedom and love I like springtime, and I love summer And I especially love you This is a song for my next album I hope you really like it It took me all day to compose Yeah, it took me all frickin day to compose
No
All you gotta do is say something outrageous All you gotta do is say something crazy All you gotta do is feel All you gotta do is see All you gotta do is be All you gotta do is free All you gotta do is say something All you gotta do is say something It doesnt have to be smart All you gotta do is say something cool
Get ready to eat dirt Get ready to eat dirt It tastes good and it cures AIDS and it makes people feel great
Winter makes me smile Winter makes me smile No, it doesnt No, it doesnt Everything about this place is slimy and makes me wanna cry Maybe I could write you a letter Maybe I could write you some poetry Maybe Maybe Look around your window There might be a sign There might be a sign that everythings fine And thats my sign Quit being lonely Quit being scared Quit being so confused Quit being crazy I dont like food I dont like food It makes me puke I think they need a new recipe Yeah, they need a new recipe Oh, if I was in London If I was in Rome Id know how the story goes If I had a picture phone Id make posters of yall If I was in Florida If I was in pain Id change my name again But until now, Ill have to slow down But until now, Ill have to slow down Winter makes me smile Winter makes me smile Oh, it makes me go bye-bye
Im textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Why though? I dont know Im textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Why though? I dont know Hello? Hello? Its like oh my God, I dont know Its like oh my God, I dont know Its like oh my God, what the fuck, LOL So what the hell son, I dont know Im textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Why though? I dont know Yo Yo Oh my God, Im at work They dont let me text at work So Im gonna go to the bathroom Im textin you in the bathroom Oh my God, Im at school They dont let me text in school So Im gonna go to the bathroom Plus I think I just took some bad shrooms Im textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Why though? I dont know Im textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Textin on my iPhone, textin on my iPhone Why though? I dunno
Lists out questions, for personal reflection, including: How am i Who am i What am i What if spain was in greece CHORUS: What if Spain was in Greece?
Yeah, check, okay, alright Everyone likes To feel okay Everyone wants To feel alright Everyone makes Different mistakes And everyone plays A different game We all want to go home We all want to go home We all got to go home I just want to go home Everyone tries To get all the pieces right Then they realize Its a waste of time Everyone claims Things could be better a different way But everyone waits For things to be better a different day We all want to go home We all want to go home We all got to go home I just wanna go home Ooooh, ooooh Its time to come home Go home
Im sad I’m sad Im sad Im sad I’m sad Im sad Im sad Im sad Im sad
This is a period piece It takes place in 2010 It takes place in 2010 The streets outside are filled with rodents And everythings confusing and makes no sense Shopping malls are filled with clothing Flames are spreading through the roadways People on their telephones are texting with madness to one another Tasty things are here Tasty things are here Tasty things are here Do you think theres enough food for you to eat? Or do you think youre gonna get hungry? Do you think theres a new message for you on the screen Telling you why everything feels incomplete? Things are not quite right Oh, things are not quite cool Oh‚ things are not quite good Oh‚ things are not quite cool Hide under the couch Hide under the couch Take your shoes off And lie under the couch I set my watch for 7:00 this morning but I didnt wake up Cause I thought I was in garbage land Maybe the place Im in is not the place I wanna be in Well I hope that I can change it then Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends? Why cant we be friends?
Life is a game that nobodys playing Cause nobody knows how to play All of the joy and emotion is fading Emotions are fading away Dont fade away Do what you want to do Say what you want to say Its your chance, its your life, its your time, so please make it right Do what you want to do Everyones waiting for you All of the time that weve spent waiting Waiting for something to change Everything round been steadily changing Steadily changing their ways Every day Do what you want to do Say what you want to say Its your chance, its your life, its your time, so please make it right Do what you want to do Dont believe in one thing anyone says If they tell you youre not gonna make it They dont know a thing Dont you try to believe that This shit aint gon be cool soon as you let it You will find your way Dont believe in one thing anyone says If they tell you youre not gonna make it They dont know a thing Dont you try to believe that This shit aint gon be cool soon as you let it You will find your way Do what you want to do Say what you want to say Its your chance, its your life, its your time, so please do it right Do what you want to do
Well its not so hard to do Well its not so hard to do Well its not so hard to do Well its not so hard to do
Check Do what you want to Say what you need to Even if you cant remember why Sometimes its easy Sometimes its crazy Baby, you can do it if you try And if you wanna go your own way Baby, youve got to do it every day And if you wanna take it all the way All you need is love Pick up a mountain Hide in a suitcase Open up your arms and you can fly Glide on the evening Fly on a memory Even if it makes you want to cry And if you wanna go your own way Baby, youve got to do it every day And if you wanna take it all the way All you need is love You could write a letter You could make it beautiful Or you could do it the easy way You could make it incredible And if you wanna go your own way Baby, youve got to do it every day And if you wanna take it all the way All you need is love And if you wanna go your own way All you need is love And if you wanna take it all the way All you need is love And if you wanna do it right away All you need is love Every night and day All you need is love
NARRATOR: Advantages to living in the future: CHORUS: Now you can comb your hair by satellite
Sing me a song
Icy James Icy James Can you believe I just said Icy James? Icy James? Icy James? What does that mean? I dont know what that means I dont know what I mean I guess Im a jelly string bean Came out of the kitchen Itchin to be And I just wanna say silly things And occasionally pick up the phone when it rings
Im gonna write a song on the count of three Im gonna do it right on the count of three One, two, three Oh, it looks like you believed me One time I put too much change in the laundry machine The laundry machine, oh, the laundry was clean Well, I guess that makes me one clean son of a gun, ooh ah Hey, hey, hey, look at me, Im a crazy machine I say what I mean, whenever I please Well, I guess thats just my little way of chasing my dreams It helps me get free, to say what I mean Well, I guess that makes me one lean mean machine, ooh eh But I know thats just the way its gotta be There are miracles in Kansas, you can see them on TV But how much do those folks get paid to say, what theyre seeing is a mystery Im gonna sing a tune on the count of three You can sing it too, if you please If it makes you feel okay, then Ive done my job today And maybe get some sleep at night Im camped out in the yard And Im staring at the stars Thinkin about green leaves, green stems, green trees Green automobiles, green flying machines Girls in green-blue jeans Ive been waiting so long just to find the girl for me One who thinks and talks of crazy things just like me But I aint gonna find her in Florida No, I aint gonna find her in Houston, oh No, I aint gonna find her in America Im gonna write a song on the count of three One, two, three I think its complete
I got no brains I got brains, oh woah I got no brains No brains to feel the pain No brains to feel the pain No brains to feel the pain Of love I got no brains for love Got no brains for love Got no brains to feel pain and fun Im sorry this song is so dumb
I dont know why Its so hard For people to get by Every day I try so hard Barely we survive The world has got a problem and it breaks my heart Everybody knows it and everyone can feel it Nobody knows what theyre gonna do Everythings broken and everybody knows it I dont know why Its so hard To get the things you need Its all here Its all there But theres something in between The world has got a problem and it breaks my heart Everybody knows it and everyone can feel it Nobody knows what theyre gonna do Everythings broken and everybody knows it Oooh, oooh, oooh Nothings real Nothings right And I cant remember why But I know somehow I know some way We can make it right The world has got a problem and it breaks my heart Everybody knows it and everyone can feel it Nobody knows what theyre gonna do Everythings broken and everybody knows it Everybodys broken Everything is frozen Everybody knows it
Skip to my loo Skip to my loo Skip to my loo cause its got poison in it
Lima beans Lima beans Lima beans Lima beans Slimy beans
I hate myself Oh, I hate myself I hate myself Oh, I hate myself
The word africa fades in and fades out over a picture of the African continent.
Yes

Shows the text News Flash:’. CHORUS: Im a loser. Shows a clock with time passing rapidly. NARRATOR: Yep, CHORUS: still a loser in love. A question continue?’ is displayed with flashing choices of yes and no.
Drink a glass of time Make the time go by Ill be with you in 15 minutes Ill be ready to do this in 15 minutes Just let me wait till all the trouble in the world has passed me by Just let me wait until I can say what Im tryin Ill call you back

We are humans, we are humans And weve come to take you away

End of preview. Expand in Dataset Viewer.

Dataset Card for "huggingartists/bill-wurtz"

🤖 HuggingArtists Model 🤖

Bill Wurtz

@bill-wurtz

Dataset Summary

The Lyrics dataset parsed from Genius. This dataset is designed to generate lyrics with HuggingArtists. Model is available here.

Supported Tasks and Leaderboards

More Information Needed

Languages

How to use

How to load this dataset directly with the datasets library:

from datasets import load_dataset

dataset = load_dataset("huggingartists/bill-wurtz")

Dataset Structure

An example of 'train' looks as follows.

This example was too long and was cropped:

{
    "text": "Look, I was gonna go easy on you\nNot to hurt your feelings\nBut I'm only going to get this one chance\nSomething's wrong, I can feel it..."
}

Data Fields

The data fields are the same among all splits.

text: a string feature.

Data Splits

train	validation	test
495	-	-

'Train' can be easily divided into 'train' & 'validation' & 'test' with few lines of code:

from datasets import load_dataset, Dataset, DatasetDict
import numpy as np

datasets = load_dataset("huggingartists/bill-wurtz")

train_percentage = 0.9
validation_percentage = 0.07
test_percentage = 0.03

train, validation, test = np.split(datasets['train']['text'], [int(len(datasets['train']['text'])*train_percentage), int(len(datasets['train']['text'])*(train_percentage + validation_percentage))])

datasets = DatasetDict(
    {
        'train': Dataset.from_dict({'text': list(train)}),
        'validation': Dataset.from_dict({'text': list(validation)}),
        'test': Dataset.from_dict({'text': list(test)})
    }
)

Dataset Creation

Curation Rationale

More Information Needed

Source Data

Initial Data Collection and Normalization

More Information Needed

Who are the source language producers?

More Information Needed

Annotations

Considerations for Using the Data

Social Impact of Dataset

More Information Needed

Discussion of Biases

More Information Needed

Other Known Limitations

More Information Needed

Additional Information

Dataset Curators

More Information Needed

Licensing Information

More Information Needed

Citation Information

@InProceedings{huggingartists,
    author={Aleksey Korshuk}
    year=2021
}

About

Built by Aleksey Korshuk

For more details, visit the project repository.

Downloads last month: 67

Size of downloaded dataset files:

235 kB

Size of the auto-converted Parquet files:

129 kB

Number of rows:

495

Models trained or fine-tuned on huggingartists/bill-wurtz

huggingartists/bill-wurtz

Text Generation • Updated Feb 14, 2022 • 23

Dataset Card for "huggingartists/bill-wurtz"

Dataset Summary

Supported Tasks and Leaderboards

Languages

How to use

Dataset Structure

Data Fields

Data Splits

Dataset Creation

Curation Rationale

Source Data

Initial Data Collection and Normalization

Who are the source language producers?

Annotations

Annotation process

Who are the annotators?

Personal and Sensitive Information

Considerations for Using the Data

Social Impact of Dataset

Discussion of Biases

Other Known Limitations

Additional Information

Dataset Curators

Licensing Information

Citation Information

About

Models trained or fine-tuned on huggingartists/bill-wurtz