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bill-wurtz

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My penis

Do-re-mi Im incomplete

Chips Chips

Fuck you

Dont be good to your neighbor Dont be good to your neighbor Just kill him

Gonna sing a really dumb song and then post it online

Said What the fuck? Im not sure

Ive written way too many songs, too many songs All of them short and dumb and none of them long And none of them strong Tomorrow is a brand new day Tomorrow is a brand new day I hope Macys is open

CHORUS: How to remember your name? NARRATOR: You can use descriptive words in a poem about your best qualities. The poem scrolls through the screen: Friendly Rememberable Enthralling Tranquil Zoomy Expedient Liturgical Demonstrative Unilateral Recursive Mild Factual , which spells out as Fretzeldurmf. On a bright pink background, the text for more useful tips, check on the web! is shown.

Theres a large penis statue In the middle of town Theres a large penis statue in the middle of town Its got germs on it its got monkeys on it Its got evil on it its got rabies on it And theres devils and children standing all around And theres devils and children standing all around it Havent you heard the news? Havent you heard the truth? And i hope you do Its appalling Its enthralling Its unnerving And subservient And its curious Were gonna fall in love Were gonna fall in love Rabbits make their way from A to B Rabbits dont care what they eat Rabbits dont know what they see Rabbits dont pretend to need advice from trees Or advice from me People riding in cars like to show the world how much they care about it By rolling over its surfaces People paying their taxes like to include more Just in case they didnt pay enough Theres no control over the marketplace Theres no control over the price of things Theres no control over the things you do And theres no good way to explain the truth What do i got to do to complete this picture ive been painting About fun, love, jazz, joy, and freedom? what do i have to do to get you hatchback driving nanny lesbians to truly feel it? Maybe ill jump in a river Just to clear my head Maybe ill wave a flag in front of a bull and paint it red Maybe ill jump over a field Maybe ill crawl under the sky Maybe ill hide under a mountain and adjust my tie Im on the phone Im on the phone, phone And im all alone, lone See im on my own, own Cause ive got no home Ive got no clothes, clothes That i can put on, on This is how i know, know That my hope is gone Theres a large penis statue In the middle of town Cause i know that all hope is gone

Eek! I got a tape deck I got a tape deck Let it rattle around I got a tape deck in my basement Playing that classical hip hop music I got clothing I got skateboards And Im trying to find my way back home Cause Im tired and sad and got no soul Why is it so hard to see? Im so alone and I cant get free I cant breathe I cant see

Hey baby Buy my car

Shows the video title a Play featuring an iphone power block and a mechanical pencil. A upward-facing iPhone power block and a magenta-coloured mechanical pencil rests on the table. POWER BLOCK: hi PENCIL: hi POWER BLOCK: how was your day PENCIL: it was pretty good i had a nice lunch POWER BLOCK: oh good. me too PENCIL: what are we POWER BLOCK: i have no idea PENCIL: do you think there is anyone who knows POWER BLOCK: maybe POWER BLOCK: i think i am probably a house, and you are probably a lamp, .. or a fax machine PENCIL: im thinkng of going for a bike ride tomorrow POWER BLOCK: thats good. PENCIL: do you like biking POWER BLOCK: no PENCIL: do you have an iphone charger POWER BLOCK: no i dont use an iphone. PENCIL: what kind of phone do you have POWER BLOCK: i actually still use a flip phone. PENCIL: did you see saturday night live this weekend POWER BLOCK: yes. PENCIL: what did you think POWER BLOCK: i think it was the same as the other ones PENCIL: ok, just checking PENCIL: when is daylight savings time? POWER BLOCK: i think it was last weekend PENCIL: i think its next weekend POWER BLOCK: i think it was last weekend, but you may be right. PENCIL: i dont think i am going to vote in the next election POWER BLOCK: why not PENCIL: because i think they deleted my vote last time POWER BLOCK: what do you think the difference is between a theater and a theatre? PENCIL: a theater needs to have seats, a stage, and a box office. a theatre can be anywhere, or anything POWER BLOCK: is this a theatre? PENCIL: i think so. POWER BLOCK: cool. PENCIL: who do you think February has only 28 days? POWER BLOCK: valentines day used to be 3 days, but it was so fucking Shitty they decided to combine it all into one day, at least i think thats the reason PENCIL: oh ok, cool. Shows the text THE END.

Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins Napkins

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

I couldnt succeed at what I’m doing

Rickrolls the viewer by playing the intro of Rick Astleys Never Gonna Give You Up. Types ]]] on the bottom right of the blue screen.

Bugs

I dont like teddy bears I dont like teddy bears, because Because one of them killed me

Im standin in line Im wastin my time Im raisin my hand higher than Im takin my life Im takin my time Im takin it right Im sayin what I need to then Im wavin goodbye Im wavin my arms around Tryna get you to see Im wavin my big arms around All over the screen Ill do anything to get you to believe And Ill do anything just to get you to believe I wanna sail you away I wanna sail you away again I wanna bring you to space I wanna show you the way Im sittin next to a box of chocolate wafers And I think they know my name And I think my girl is coming home soon And I know that she loves me I wanna tell you today I wanna tell you the way I pray I wanna bring you to space I wanna take you away

Im still silly Im still silly Im still silly Im still siddily-diddily I havent read the paper in 18 years So I think Ill just return to my So I think Ill just return to my So I think Ill just return to my So I think Ill just return to my spaceship

Dear Lord... oh Make me write my songs Make me write my songs Make me write my songs Oh, make me write my songs

Im about to graduate from school Im about to graduate from school I can say whatever I want And I know I can make it sound good Heres a penguin with feet He walks along and stares straight at me Hes got a gun but hes not gonna shoot me Cause he knows I know what he needs Pistachios Pistachios Pistachios And money Im about to graduate from school Im about to graduate from school I can say whatever I want And I know I can make it sound good Bubbles are bubbling out of a bubble gun Toys are fun I can write a song or two each morning if I feel like it Cause I aint got to worry about any of your rules or follow them Because Im about to graduate from school Im about to graduate from school I can say whatever I want Cause I know I can make it sound good The bombs gonna go off The bombs gonna go off The bomb is gonna go off And then I can say whatever the damn hell I want Im about to graduate from school Im about to graduate from school I can say whatever I want Cause I know I can make it sound good Im about to graduate from school Im gonna graduate and then I can be so cool The time has come for me to say whatever the hell I please

Die

frequently asked questions are shown inside a rectangle. NARRATOR: Whats two plus two? CHORUS: A billion!

A text loading content with the loading symbol is shown. content moves across the screen, with a car roaming back and forth in the background. NARRATOR: I just wanna pause for a minute and analyze this content. As you can see from the position of the ca- CHORUS: I feel like a bad person.

A-b-c-d-e-f-g H-i

Go back to where you belong

Movies are nice Movies are cool And I watch them all-day Til I puke

Snails travelling in the background while snail time!! is flashing on the screen Synth music degraded, while the text jail time is displayed in front of jail bars

Every day I eat bread Every day I eat bread And it makes me feel so goddamn right I think Ill just sit in my bed That dont bother me It dont bother me and my head Every day I try to fly a plane That dont mean Im getting older Im getting closer Every day I try to make things right Thats the reason I explode here Trying to get things right You dont have to try You dont have to say goodbye You dont have to listen You just have to feel sure Every day I get crazy Every day I get green And I think about the things that I Think that Id like to think And It makes me feel alright Just to sit alone and get high Every day I try to make lightning strike At every different angle At each and every moment Every day I try to close my eyes And feel all the things that I feel inside You dont have to lie You dont have to make it right You just have to listen To your imagination Every day I try to do all the things that Im supposed to do All at the same time cause time is running out Maybe one day Ill be able to stop time and think things through You dont have to try You dont have to say goodbye You dont have to listen You just have to feel sure You dont have to try You dont have to tell your friend goodbye You just have to make sure You remember how to do this We aint gotta say much Youve just gotta mean it

Darkness for 60 seconds is shown.

Synth music plays over the text tomato anxiety, with a drawn tomato behind the text. The drawn tomato shrinks, with texts perhaps im in debt. and and unpopular also popped up under it.

I just got home from work that puts me at home And home is a stationary place I think Ill shoot myself in the knee bone My knees will be sore for the rest of time Ow

Shows the flashing video title cool facts about bill wurtz. BILL WURTZ: I have a car. But its bad. Conducts a survey to the viewers, asking the following: did you feel as though the facts in the presentation were cool? did the facts seem believable? did you enjoy the facts? how did you hear about these facts - from a friend - from an enemy - you did not hear the facts

Shows the video title q&a with plants with a cartoon plant on the right NARRATOR: Dear plant, hows your life? CHORUS: Well Im addicted to sunshine!

Im in Bryant Park and I feel so amazing Im in Bryant Park and I feel fine Im in Bryant Park with nothing on my mind and I feel fine ​ Ima teach you how to do a standing backflip Ima teach you how to talk real smooth I can show you how to do anything you want to do ​ But I know you dont wanna see And I know you dont wanna see Cause you know the consequences of being free And you know that theres no getting out once you get into its streets Im in Bryant Park and I feel like a robber Im in Bryant Park and I feel like a fool Cause I dont know what Im doing or who I am but Im tryna write music Drink tea

NARRATOR: Where do babies come from? CHORUS: Grownups! NARRATOR: Where do grownups come from? CHORUS: Babies! NARRATOR: Where do babies come from? CHORUS: Grownups! NARRATOR: Where do grownups come from? CHORUS: Babies! CHORUS: Now you know!

Shut up

Call me old fashioned But I still drink beans from the can

facts about plastic flashes on the screen. CHORUS: It tastes really good. And its real special! thats plastic! pops up on the screen.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays in the background throughout the video. A spinning cartoon Christmas tree with the text we wish you a merry christmas, together with a couple dancing people beneath, is shown. Coloured text and we hope that its good is enlarged. Brand logos such as Target, Amazon, Best Buy, GameStop and Barnes & Noble are shown with the encouragement please buy lots of gifts from all of the stores. Christmas-themed green wrapping paper are displayed and thrown in a garbage pail, with the text and wrap them in paper, and then throw them away. Lists out some gift ideas with respective photos associated with them, including blanket, sweater, scarf, snowmobile, podium, plant, flower pot, skis, groupons, plastic, eggs, mountains, convertibles, sushi and lots of grass. Show cartoon depictions of a house and a family, with the text stay home from work to be with your family. Show stores who open 24 hours, including MacDonalds, Walgreens, Dunkin Donuts and Foxconn, with the text but dont worry, the people that work in 24 hour stores will still go to work. we wish you a merry christmas text in different styles and sizes fills up the screen, then the text and hopefully next christmas will be good too.

I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home

Dont look in a boot I just put my boot in a shoe

Think I just made some bread in my head

I think the world should change I think the world should change I think the world should change Oh, yeah Ive got a feathered box and I read it And I read it And I read it Oh, I read it And I think the world can change

What the fuck

Yeah I have the heebity-deebity-deebity-deebity-deebitys

Hello

This is not a song I did not write it You can not sing it You do not just hear it You are not a person

You can drive a Chevy Dot com

Fuckin cool sports! Showing a list of cool sports, including bad ball, racey run, answer the telephone, green man, hurdle jump, space towel, hide in the cabinet and pebbles.

I was wondering how to feel

I hope we figure it out

Shows the video title asdfjaisdfjiasdjf on a blue background, and define the phrase as kindness.

Theres no harm in saying what you mean Theres no harm in saying what you want Theres no harm in saying what you choose Cause youve got to be who you are

Im gonna hit you in the head with a baseball bat Im gonna hit you in the head with a video game system Im gonna name the animals one by one And then im gonna go and have fun Because it is the summertime Because it is the summertime Because it is the summertime We like to get things right And we like to get real high And we like to sleep all night

I write stupid music And a lot of people like my music Damn, they must be stupid

I feel so hungry And I feel so lonely What am I gonna do? I wanna go to Burger King I want to go to Burger King I wanna go to Burger King, oh yeah I want to go to Burger King right now Yeah, yeah Oh, man, I wanna go to Burger King.

Types ]]]] on the bottom right of the blue screen.

Im gonna kill you Im  gonna kill you Im  gonna kill you Im gonna kill you Im gonna murder you Im  gonna murder you Im  gonna murder you Im gonna murder you I  dont appreciate you making things so hard for me And I really wish you would just shut up and die I dont appreciate you showing your face around this place And I really want you to just kill yourself Im  an apple pie I look into the sky to make things right And when the sky is touched I say goodbye Everything falls into the place where it belongs, it belongs Everything goes where its supposed to go I have a demon I have a demon You have a demon too Im gonna kill mine Im gonna kill mine You should kill yours too Then well get stoned Then well get stoned Then well get stoned

Jingle bells Im a cop

Guess Ill have to go down south

Ive been thinking a long time

CHORUS: Conversation with a pizza pie. NARRATOR: Hi. PIZZA: 10100101101010101010101011101001001110101101

Homework help Just try to have a good time And dont die

I am vibrating I am vibrating Because I sit here at this desk I am a piece of lightning and thats great Im gonna raise my right hand, then Im gonna raise my left Cause would do anything in this world To show you that its time to rock and roll I cant seem to see anything home right here No, I dont want to relate to your jacket and chair Im just fine where I am, and it makes me really nervous When I have to get somewhere Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah My cars got no window so I cant see

Thinkin bout doin some content

Gonna buy a car And then change it

Hi, its

Cable television

What am I trying to say? Im trying to say that I wanna be free What am I trying to say? That I wanna be free Free as can be Free as can be That means that I dont like being in jail It aint fun and you cant go anywhere Rap records sell, most of them are made from jail Cause you cant go anywhere Thats why most of them get done Cause nothing to do and nowhere to run What am I trying to say? Trying to say that I wanna be free Oh, I wanna be free as can be Ooh, I wanna be free as can be And I dont want to have to sell any records Said I shouldnt be required to fulfill no contracts And I aint gonna sell my soul

Rocknroll confusion Rocknroll confusion Rocknroll confusion Lets have fun and confuse them

McDonalds is a great place to think McDonalds is a great place to think Theres nothing like hearing the sound of Poisonous chemicals in the morning As you drink your terrible coffee and try to think

Cruel sports Having a bad day And destroying the entire world

Throw away the garbage pail, get a brand new garbage pail

Counts down from 3 to 1 for goats. CHORUS: Goats. CHORUS: Goats. CHORUS: Ghosts.

Gonna do the thing Finally do the thing

Just ran out of videos What am I gonna do?

Sheep

Hello

You know, I sometimes think to myself ​What are you waiting for you dumb stupid fuck

​I dont understand anything

Cant write songs so Ill just Make a silly thing

PAUL MCCARTNEY: I was always frightened of classical music. And I never wanted to listen to it. PAUL MCCARTNEY: A taxi driver the other day had some sheet music of a Mozart thing, PAUL MCCARTNEY: And I said, Whats that? You know, and he said PAUL MCCARTNEY: Oh, hoh. Oh well, thats the high-class stuff. You wont like that. He said PAUL MCCARTNEY: No no, you wont like that. I said PAUL MCCARTNEY: Well, what is it?, you know. He said Oh no, you wont like it. You know, its high-class, that. And uh, that kind of way I always used to think of it. I used to think Well you know, thats very clever, all that stuff. And it isnt! You know, its just exactly whats going on in pop at the moment. PAUL MCCARTNEY: Pop music is the classical music of now.

Goodbye

NARRATOR: Pick a card. CHORUS: Its the two of spades! NARRATOR: OK. You can keep it. CHORUS: Thats magic!

Gross insides

Grow mushrooms on the sidewalk

CHORUS: No seriously, how do you find love? CHORUS: Outside

This world is filled with lots of evil spirits They make it hard to understand If you look left or right at any time Youre bound to come in contact with one of yours or mine I can feel the presence of another world inside these walls And under these floors I can feel the hearts and minds of millions of strong individuals Ready to explore Breathe Dream I can feel the clock tick And it feels like dynamite in my hands And I feel like some of us have been waiting our whole lives to understand So pull the curtain Pull the curtain on this shit Just pull the curtain Pull the curtain on this shit Just pull the curtain So we can feel certain About where we stand Lightning strikes all of us twice in a lifetime Why cant it be at the same time? And it only happens every thousand years So crawl under the bridge and make yourself a wish Get it under your skin and you do it like this Oh you do it like this Theres a demon in you, theres a demon in me Theres a demon in everyone around Theres a demon in all of your best friends And its nice to know that theres a place where They can go where they will never be found By anyone in the government Im high So high Im high Goodbye Theres no place like home Especially when you dont know who makes the roads Youve got to go home When you dont know who makes the roads

Get outta here

​I wrote a letter to myself And now Im opening it

Im sexy Im incredibly sexy Im incredibly sexy So im gonna sing a song about The things i believe in Did you know that all of the trouble And all the problems And all the issues and confusion in the world Will all be solved? Did you know that all of your Hopes and dreams and wishes And dirty fantasies Are real And they will all come true? Just think like i do Im telling you how to think like i do Cause i know the truth Its gonna be good Its gonna be good, its gonna be okay Its real and its all gonna be really good

The text the origin of chickens are shown, accompanied by a cartoon chicken above the text. Explains the origin of chickens: chickens actually comes from eggs, which come from other chickens, which come from eggs, which come from chickens, which come from eggs, which come from chickens, which come from eggs, which come from chickens, which comes from- The words chickens’ and eggs are paired with their respective cartoon representations. The tone of the video changes, with the explanation continued in psychedelic-coloured text: The Lord God, His Almighty Majesty and Curator of the Heavens and All That Is Right and Good On Our Wonderful Home Dwelling and Sacred Abode, the Planet Which We Live On Which Has Begat Life As Well As All Sorts of other Wonderful Things Which are Good and Essential. The ’God looking down on us meme is shown in the background.

Hey Lets list all the car companies in the world Lets build a fortress There is a Frisbee for every two trees created There is a new tree for every me Go build a magnet Go build a magnet Go build a magnet Go!

Shows the video title bill wurtz plans for the future. BILL WURTZ: I should go back to space. 15 minutes later is shown as a jingle plays. Filming Bill Wurtzs room, indicating Bill is not here and is probably in space.

I know, but I cant say