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Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"". |
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face. |
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom. |
Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really? |
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat. |
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs. |
I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole. |
Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo. |
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win. |
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now. |
I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines |
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest. |
""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels |
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her |
What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends"" |
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert. |
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old. |
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade. |
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung |
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex |
I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt! |
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it. |
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards. |
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans. |
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP! |
Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan. |
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better. |
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread |
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work) |
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts. |
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op. |
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up. |
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open. |
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel. |
""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs."" |
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair. |
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood |
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you |
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. |
You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail. |
When I hear ""This call is being monitored for quality assurance"" I think ""Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."" |
You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk. |
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit. |
What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming |
[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive] |
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now |
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken |
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss. |
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience. |
Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together. |
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them. |
When my wife takes a nap, it's ""desperately needed rest."" When I do, it's ""lazy chauvinist party-time."" |
""Update the Force, young Skywalker"" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi. |
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake |
TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi. |
What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet. |
Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point. |
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson. |
Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay. |
This morning I had a swollen testicle. ""I'd have simply preferred toast,"" I told my wife. |
""What's that?"" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* ""WTH!?!"" |
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional. |
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time. |
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet |
What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider |
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer |
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension. |
What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated ""Don't worry, I still have my third one."" |
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet |
When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person. |
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both. |
I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs. |
Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows |
Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears* |
In China the labels read, ""Made by someone you know."" |
It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact. |
You could be a ""Before"" model. |
Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears. |
Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass. |
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time. |
My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ... |
My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out. |
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more! |
[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word ""bae"" |
Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine |
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae |
What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew. |
What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery. |
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special |
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool. |
What is your best ""Yo mama"" joke? |
What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR |
Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up! |
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand? |
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today. |
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks. |
*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one |
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing. |
A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking. |
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