arunma/shortjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 11 215
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P
Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.
So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: ""Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please."" The attendant replies: ""That sounds like a good deal!""
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.
If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.
sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love
Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.
Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.
How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi
How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says ""I da ho"".
Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K flips board
Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.
My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. ( )
An irishman walks out of a bar...
Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the ""orange you glad I didn't say banana"" knock knock joke
What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way
Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote back.
Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.
Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says ""I can't see"" I can be like ""here, let Jesus light the path""
Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.
My new cooking show, ""Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food"" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!
nose hairs growing out of control buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not ""like Dan Aykroyd.""
I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded ""yeah, and you have the same problem at home""
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm
What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.
What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? ""It's a Moray.""
I submitted 10 of my best puns to a Joke competition expecting at least 1 to win, but... No pun in ten did..
Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some time for this one.
Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?
ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?
First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!
Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.
Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.
What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni
This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.
A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.
Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? ""kids?""
I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics.
Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: ""Shit, I need to feed the dogs!""
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.
HER: You look so nervous. ME: nervously HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: just freaking out That's bravery moisture.
When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon...
Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? hands you a cat
I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer
What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, ""Please put a load in the washer""
What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!
I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to pass the time. It was very time consuming. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
Have you ever seen those ""Give a penny, take a penny"" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents
Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn't tell me my password ideas are weak.
if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like ""do you know why i pulled you over?""
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P

Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.

My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....

What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)

Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.

So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: ""Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please."" The attendant replies: ""That sounds like a good deal!""

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles

So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.

If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.

sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love

Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.

Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.

How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi

How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says ""I da ho"".

Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?

[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew

A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K *flips board*

Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.

My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.

Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?

What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. ( )

An irishman walks out of a bar...

Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the ""orange you glad I didn't say banana"" knock knock joke

What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way

Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.

Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote back.

Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.

Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.

A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.

My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says ""I can't see"" I can be like ""here, let Jesus light the path""

Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan

Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.

My new cooking show, ""Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food"" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not ""like Dan Aykroyd.""

I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded ""yeah, and you have the same problem at home""

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter

What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? ""It's a Moray.""

I submitted 10 of my best puns to a Joke competition expecting at least 1 to win, but... No pun in ten did..

Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some time for this one.

Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?

ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?

First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!

Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.

Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.

What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.

A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.

Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? ""kids?""

I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.

I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics.

Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: ""Shit, I need to feed the dogs!""

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.

When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon...

Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer

What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them

Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, ""Please put a load in the washer""

What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!

I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

Have you ever seen those ""Give a penny, take a penny"" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents

Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn't tell me my password ideas are weak.

if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like ""do you know why i pulled you over?""

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.