arunma/shortjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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What's a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine's Day.
An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,""we dont serve your kind here"". The disease replies, ""well you're not a very good host!""
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
Well it's like my dad always told me ""When life gives ya lemons"" Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.
What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer... I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.
Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
Dad and son A son asks his father ""Why does my bum hurt"" while the father replies ""Because I love you son""
Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
""Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere."" - Doorknob
I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
Political Joke The Economy
Keep in mind that ""The Cat in the Hat"" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...
What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
When someone tells you to ""get a Life,"" just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: ""Well, isn't this quaint?"" Day Two: Murder
How to get a job... Interviewer: ""What's your biggest weakness?"" Interviewee: ""I never learn from my mistakes"" Interviewer: ""Oh, why's that?"" Interviewee: ""I never make any""
I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon'
What do golfers do on nights out? party.
How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.
""Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP"" -first rule of Sprite Club
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Yo mama... Yo mama is so poor, she can't even pay attention
Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?
T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com
Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic? He had trouble moving his elbows.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: ""Yep. That's a body all right.""
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? ""It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!""
I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.
Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.
I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say ""Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?""
Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.
I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
""Sugar"" is the only word in the English language where ""su-"" makes a ""sh"" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.
I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.
What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said ""I Hate Black People"" ...I thought to myself ""Well damn- thats a little racist.
Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!
A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke
The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.
hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote
Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.
""I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me."" ""We're terrified of dentists."" ""I'll kill a lion!"" ""It was a beloved lion with a name."" ""Dammit.""
Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.
My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want
Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.
What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)
What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto
You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.
I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)
Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.
Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.

What's a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine's Day.

An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,""we dont serve your kind here"". The disease replies, ""well you're not a very good host!""

If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!

What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.

September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.

Well it's like my dad always told me ""When life gives ya lemons"" Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.

What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !

I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer... I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.

Dad and son A son asks his father ""Why does my bum hurt"" while the father replies ""Because I love you son""

Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!

A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

""Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere."" - Doorknob

I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!

When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.

Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!

Political Joke The Economy

Keep in mind that ""The Cat in the Hat"" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton

Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls

When someone tells you to ""get a Life,"" just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: ""Well, isn't this quaint?"" Day Two: Murder

How to get a job... Interviewer: ""What's your biggest weakness?"" Interviewee: ""I never learn from my mistakes"" Interviewer: ""Oh, why's that?"" Interviewee: ""I never make any""

I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon'

What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.

How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.

I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.

""Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP"" -first rule of Sprite Club

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Yo mama... Yo mama is so poor, she can't even pay attention

Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?

T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com

Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic? He had trouble moving his elbows.

Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas

Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.

[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: ""Yep. That's a body all right.""

What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.

How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? ""It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!""

I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.

Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.

I have a pen..... I have a apple :D

I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say ""Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?""

Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.

Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

""Sugar"" is the only word in the English language where ""su-"" makes a ""sh"" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...

A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.

I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.

What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.

A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said ""I Hate Black People"" ...I thought to myself ""Well damn- thats a little racist.

Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.

True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!

A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke

The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

""I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me."" ""We're terrified of dentists."" ""I'll kill a lion!"" ""It was a beloved lion with a name."" ""Dammit.""

Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.

My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.

What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)

What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto

You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud

I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.

I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good

What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)

Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.

Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy

If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.