arunma/shortjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it ""twita"". Dat would b nize
NSFW Men are like a deck of cards... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking face in and a spade to bury the bastard!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.
""You know what."" -- They.
I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.
What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train
Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage
THE HORROR! splat THE TRAGEDY! splat IT'S AWFUL! splat SO MUCH BLOOD! splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.
What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife
watching Dateline wow this is the worst dating show ever
Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... ""Guess I'll have to spread my legs now"", says the wife. ""Why? Don't you have a vase?"" the husband replies.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs... One says to the other ""should we stop and outnumber them?"" ... &nbsp; ""keep running you fool we're brothers!!""
I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.
What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!
A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says ""Shit, some asshole took my pen!""
how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)
How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.
Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.
I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
How do you make an Amish woman happy? Three Men-A-Night
Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
I know dream catchers don't work because I've never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.
When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game? Before first period
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said "" Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !""
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.
If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?
Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.
My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities
From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, ""Yup"" & walk away.
What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...
I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't fucking like coffee.
butts are truly the final frontier. to think we know more about SPACE than we do about the human butt. two fleshy mounds of mystery & wonder
I find like geologers make really good friends... ...they are very down to Earth.
I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the artic... ...Doc says I might have ""Buy Polar"" disorder! EDIT: arctic*
Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
Redditors don't like this [Deleted]
Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: ""Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly..... ....because I know you cannot read fast""
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!
I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves... They're conceded
I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
""It's 5 o'clock somewhere."" - a shitty watch.
How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.
If you hear the words ""oh yeah, suck it"" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, ""Do you have any luggage?"". ""No,"" says the photon, ""I'm traveling light.""
If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
People always complain that I'm ""out there."" [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
job interview Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers I want to help people
Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
""911, what's your emergency?"" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.
Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.
What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it ""an apology""? ""Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians""
Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson to the Department of Education, but I think he would do better in the FDA He can feed everyone with all of the grain in those pyramids.
Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it ""cooking""
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] ""why isn't he wearing a shirt"" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?
I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
I just released my mixtape in Tianjin. It was da bomb. Too soon?
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout ""Heroes in a half shell."" 3) When a girl yells back ""Turtle Power,"" marry her.
What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
calls into work ""yo boss i'm real sick"" ""you don't sound sick..."" ""ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys"" ""wow u do sound hella sick""
I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.
A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
The best joke you'll never hear
how are a silver medalist and a priest alike They both came in a little behind
I wonder if a ghost has ever watched me masturbate.
S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.
Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it ""twita"". Dat would b nize

NSFW Men are like a deck of cards... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking face in and a spade to bury the bastard!

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.

""You know what."" -- They.

I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.

What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train

Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage

THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.

What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest

Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... ""Guess I'll have to spread my legs now"", says the wife. ""Why? Don't you have a vase?"" the husband replies.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs... One says to the other ""should we stop and outnumber them?"" ... &nbsp; ""keep running you fool we're brothers!!""

I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.

What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!

A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says ""Shit, some asshole took my pen!""

how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)

How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.

Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd

How do you make an Amish woman happy? Three Men-A-Night

Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.

I know dream catchers don't work because I've never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game? Before first period

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea

At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said "" Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !""

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?

Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!

Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities

From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, ""Yup"" & walk away.

What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.

How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...

I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't fucking like coffee.

butts are truly the final frontier. to think we know more about SPACE than we do about the human butt. two fleshy mounds of mystery & wonder

I find like geologers make really good friends... ...they are very down to Earth.

I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the artic... ...Doc says I might have ""Buy Polar"" disorder! EDIT: arctic*

Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.

I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.

I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.

This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths

Redditors don't like this [Deleted]

Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: ""Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly..... ....because I know you cannot read fast""

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!

I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves... They're conceded

I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family

Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

""It's 5 o'clock somewhere."" - a shitty watch.

How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood

What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.

What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.

If you hear the words ""oh yeah, suck it"" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, ""Do you have any luggage?"". ""No,"" says the photon, ""I'm traveling light.""

If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.

its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve

People always complain that I'm ""out there."" [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]

*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.

""911, what's your emergency?"" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.

Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.

Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.

Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.

What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it ""an apology""? ""Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians""

Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson to the Department of Education, but I think he would do better in the FDA He can feed everyone with all of the grain in those pyramids.

Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)

I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it ""cooking""

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] ""why isn't he wearing a shirt"" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?

I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

I just released my mixtape in Tianjin. It was da bomb. Too soon?

How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout ""Heroes in a half shell."" 3) When a girl yells back ""Turtle Power,"" marry her.

What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.

*calls into work* ""yo boss i'm real sick"" ""you don't sound sick..."" ""ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys"" ""wow u do sound hella sick""

I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.

A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak

The best joke you'll never hear

how are a silver medalist and a priest alike They both came in a little behind

I wonder if a ghost has ever watched me masturbate.

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.

Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.