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THE KISS HELLO | THE KISS HELLO Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!" (Jerry's Apartment) George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands. GEORGE Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco? JERRY I would think. GEORGE So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco? JERRY (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date. GEORGE Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here. JERRY Yeah? Would you do it? GEORGE Yes, I think I would. JERRY Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people. The phone rings. Jerry answers. JERRY Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye. He hangs up the phone. JERRY I have to go over to my grandmother's. GEORGE What for? JERRY I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her. GEORGE So, what, no lunch? JERRY No, we have time. GEORGE Oh. How's she doing? George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way to the door. JERRY Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present. GEORGE Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube. JERRY Like toothpaste? GEORGE Ya-hah. Jerry and George leave. (Street) Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation. JERRY There's a squeeze ketchup. GEORGE I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup. JERRY Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup? GEORGE Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze. JERRY I really don't see the difference. GEORGE Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle. JERRY It's subtle. GEORGE Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us? JERRY (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh. GEORGE What? They stop walking. JERRY Ah, she's with her friend Wendy. GEORGE Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist? JERRY Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it. Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine Waves back. ELAINE (from a distance) Hey. GEORGE You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia. JERRY Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that. GEORGE (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything. JERRY No, I told you I admire your hearing. George waves away the compliment. JERRY No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing. Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive, but has a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo. ELAINE (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy. Wendy and George shake hands. GEORGE You're uh, physical therapist, right? WENDY Yes. GEORGE You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it? Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't happy that George is bothering Wendy. ELAINE (warning) George. WENDY Have you tried heat and ice on it? GEORGE (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble. WENDY Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little. GEORGE (happy) Oh! Okay. WENDY Let me give you my card. Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George. GEORGE Oh, thank you. WENDY Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine. ELAINE Bye Wendy. I'm sorry. WENDY Bye Jerry. Wendy walks away down the street. JERRY Bye. ELAINE (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for? GEORGE What? ELAINE (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm. (Monk's) George, Jerry and Elaine enter. GEORGE I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm. ELAINE She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office. GEORGE Why not? The trio sit down in a booth. ELAINE Because, it is what she does. GEORGE I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed! ELAINE George, you got a little something, right here. Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils. GEORGE (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important... JERRY (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her. ELAINE Why? JERRY Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. GEORGE (regarding the menu) What're you getting? JERRY (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way? ELAINE Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering. JERRY She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You Should say something to her. ELAINE Oh, I could never say anything to her about that. JERRY Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that. ELAINE Yeah. Hah. GEORGE Well, just tell Kramer to tell her. ELAINE No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it. JERRY What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it. ELAINE (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet... Kramer enters. ELAINE (to Kramer) ...Kramer. Kramer strolls over to the table. KRAMER Hello, boys and girls. JERRY Speak of the devil. Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer speaks to Jerry. KRAMER Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building. JERRY Why? KRAMER So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier. JERRY (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby. KRAMER Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in. JERRY (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way. KRAMER (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup? ELAINE (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine. (Nana's Apartment) Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room. LEO Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic Squeeze containers? There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry. LEO (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello! JERRY Hello, uncle Leo! LEO What're you doing here? JERRY Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle. LEO Yeah, me too. Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup. NANA Hello Jerry. JERRY Hi Nana. There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something. LEO Aren't you gonna kiss her hello? JERRY Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course. NANA Ha, well, here's the bottle. Nana holds out the ketchup. LEO (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it. JERRY (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it. Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup. LEO Give it to me. JERRY Will you stop it. LEO Jerry, will you give me the bottle? JERRY Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it! NANA You should let Buddy open it. LEO Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago. Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana. NANA Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars? LEO What fifty dollars? NANA Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister. Nana walks away out of the room again. LEO Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two. Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion. LEO (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars. Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of mistrust. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the building super. JERRY I'm just not getting any hot water. JULIO Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry. JERRY Thanks, Julio. JULIO Awright. Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door opens and Jerry and Elaine enter. JERRY Huh? KRAMER (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello! JERRY What's going on here? KRAMER (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing. JERRY (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing? KRAMER Oh, I, I need a pen. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you. JERRY (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you? KRAMER You got that straight. JERRY I told you, forget it. KRAMER Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name! JERRY You're robbing me. KRAMER Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program. Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him. ELAINE Wha... W.. Are you going home? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Uh, could you come back in about five minutes? KRAMER Why? ELAINE No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again. Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place, Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment. JERRY (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming? ELAINE Yeah, she'll be here any second. JERRY Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this? ELAINE Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair. The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat. JERRY Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye. (The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket calculator out, doing some work. MORTY Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to Over fifty-three years? HELEN Oh, Morty, please. MORTY Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill... HELEN Morty, will you stop it! MORTY (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers. JERRY Yeah? WENDY Wendy. JERRY Come on up. Elaine enters from the bathroom. ELAINE Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer? JERRY No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello. ELAINE What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face? JERRY It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better. ELAINE How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be? JERRY Elaine, now you're being ridiculous. There's a knock at the door. ELAINE (indicating) That's her. That's her. Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare. He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside. Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters. ELAINE/WENDY Hi/Hey. Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the appliance. JERRY (muffled) Hi Wendy. WENDY Oh, hi Jerry. Wendy wanders over to the fridge. JERRY (muffled) Would you like something to drink? WENDY Sure. Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand. JERRY (muffled) There you go. WENDY (taking the bottle) Ah. Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the couch. JERRY Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars. Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear. Finding that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge. JERRY So, how's everything going? WENDY Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me. JERRY Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist. There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening. ELAINE Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer. Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera. KRAMER Hey! Jerry! Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot. JERRY C'mon, that's not fair! KRAMER I told you I was gonna get it. JERRY No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture. KRAMER (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no. JERRY (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care? ELAINE Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy. KRAMER Oh, hello. WENDY (holds out her hand) Hi. KRAMER (shaking hands) Yeah. Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away, Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair. KRAMER (points) You know, I really like that hairdo. Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer. WENDY (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change. ELAINE (hopeful) Oh, you were? WENDY Well, I... KRAMER (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that. ELAINE Kramer, if she wants to change her hair... KRAMER No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming. WENDY Oh, well. Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair. WENDY (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho. Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up, to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling Kramer with the flash. (Wendy's Car) Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat. WENDY So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in. ELAINE Oh, Kramer. WENDY Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend? ELAINE You wanna go out with him? WENDY Well, why not? ELAINE Well, it's just that... uh, I don't... WENDY What, is there anything wrong with him? Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes. WENDY Elaine? ELAINE I'm just thinking about the question. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Center) George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable. GEORGE You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque) RECEPTIONIST (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow. GEORGE (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go. George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch. RECEPTIONIST Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty. GEORGE What for? RECEPTIONIST Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations". GEORGE (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist. Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears. WENDY What's the problem? GEORGE (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist. WENDY Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy. Wendy walks out, into another room. GEORGE (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door. RECEPTIONIST So. Will you be here tomorrow? GEORGE Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to! George leaves, slamming the door behind him. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker. Kramer is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier. Jerry and Elaine enter from the street. KRAMER Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it? Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially by his own picture. JERRY Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible... The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. It's not flattering in the slightest. JERRY ...You can't put that picture up. KRAMER Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another. The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer. STEVE Hey Cosmo. KRAMER Hey... Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and then points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks. KRAMER ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see? ELAINE Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you. KRAMER (interested) Well, how do you do? A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants. MARY Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry. JERRY Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary. MARY You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other. KRAMER (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice? JERRY (not really) Yeah. MARY Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package? JERRY Oh, sure, yeah. MARY Thank you. Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture. JERRY Oh, no! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling. JERRY You see? That's just what I need. More kissing! ELAINE (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee... JERRY What is so funny? ELAINE Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud) The phone rings and Jerry picks up. JERRY Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye. Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine. JERRY (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home! ELAINE Why? JERRY (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar. JOAN Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah. JERRY (not as eager) Hi Joan. JOAN How you doing? Jerry backs away toward the elevator. JERRY Pretty good. JOAN Just pretty good? Not great? JERRY Okay, great. JOAN Are you happy? JERRY Oh, I'm delighted. JOAN Okay. Have a nice day. JERRY You too. The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry. LOUISE Hi Jerry. Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry. JERRY Hi, Louise. Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Ah, well. Thank you very much! KRAMER For what? JERRY (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building! KRAMER You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family. JERRY Family? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are. As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips. Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently in the doorway, he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his lips, George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) George enters, and the receptionist spots him. RECEPTIONIST Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment. GEORGE What d'you mean? RECEPTIONIST She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left A message on your machine. You didn't get it? GEORGE When did you leave the message? RECEPTIONIST Few hours ago. GEORGE (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars. RECEPTIONIST Look, Mister Costanza... GEORGE Will that be cash, or cheque? George gives an exaggerated wink. (Wendy's Car) Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of her head, and there are ski poles on the back seat. WENDY I am really glad I took the day off. ELAINE Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing. WENDY Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset. ELAINE Ugh, the hell with 'em. Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over to the side of the road. ELAINE What're you stopping here for? WENDY I'm dropping you off. ELAINE (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks. WENDY Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way... ELAINE Yeah, but it's only three blocks. WENDY Right. It's only three blocks. ELAINE (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well... (Street) Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk of skis, poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick them up, simply kicks them along in front of her. (Street) Jerry and Elaine walk together. ELAINE She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange? JERRY Yes, it's very strange. Very strange. ELAINE I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you." JERRY I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car With someone with a hairdo like that. ELAINE I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder. JERRY You should have her work on it for you. ELAINE Yeah, alright, I gotta go. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello. MAR Hi Jerry. JERRY Hi Mary. Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against The mailboxes. JERRY Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.... Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst. JERRY ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry. The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello. LOU Hi Jerry. JERRY Hi Louise... Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss. JERRY ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry. Jerry backs into the elevator. JERRY (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation. (Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) Jerry answers the phone. JERRY Hello. HELEN Jerry? JERRY Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you? In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out figures with a pad and a calculator. HELEN Well, he said no. He said we had no proof. MORTY No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up. HELEN Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home. JERRY Okay, I will. MORTY D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund For fifty-three years... (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments. KRAMER What's up? JERRY (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home. KRAMER Oh. They walk together down the hall. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye. JERRY Hey, Kramer, look at this. Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following. JERRY Look at my picture! The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. 'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns and a wormlike tongue added and teeth blacked out. JERRY I've been defaced! KRAMER Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints. Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion. JACK Hey. Hi Cosmo. KRAMER Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing? JERRY Hi Jack. Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask him something. JERRY Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think? JULIO Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh? JERRY (defensive) No no, that's not true! JULIO (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other. Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look. (Knollridge Nursing Home) Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch. NURSE Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards. JERRY You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars. NURSE Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her. JERRY Buddy? NURSE Yes, that's his name. He's right over there. The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) George is talking with Wendy at the counter. WENDY (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day. GEORGE (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius! Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door. WENDY A delicate genius? George spots Elaine. GEORGE Elaine? ELAINE (surprised) George! George stalks past Elaine and exits. GEORGE (leaving) Hah. Good luck. WENDY What's going on? ELAINE (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment? WENDY Oh sure. You have insurance, right? ELAINE (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me? Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door GEORGE Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain? WENDY How did you hear that? GEORGE I hear everything. WENDY I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm? ELAINE Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George. GEORGE Yeah. Let's go. Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine turns to deliver her parting shot. ELAINE (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair. WENDY Why, what's wrong with my hair? ELAINE Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her. RECEPTIONIST She's right. (Nursing Home) Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing. JERRY So you were with him that day at the track? BUDDY Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too. JERRY Leo? BUDDY Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh? JERRY Is that so? BUDDY And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took! JERRY Well, that's very interesting. Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry spots his arrival. JERRY (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track. Leo's caught out, and looks worried. LEO (defensive) One second... JERRY (with a triumphant point) You're busted! (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his mail. Jerry decides to be friendly. JERRY Hey, Steve. How you doing? Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry tries the friendly approach again. JERRY Hey, Jeff. What's happening? Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her. JERRY Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss. Mary moves to avoid Jerry. JERRY Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake! MARY (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody! Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she greets Jeff and Steve. JEFF Hi Mary. MARY Hi Jeff. How are you? Mary and Jeff kiss hello. MARY Hi Pete. How you doing? Mary and Pete kiss hello. PETE Hey, let's go get some coffee. JEFF Great idea. MARY Oh, that'd be great. The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight. Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour of the occupant as he crosses the lobby. JERRY Oh, Paul, could you hold that door... But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face. (Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment) Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens the door. KRAMER Hi. JERRY Hey. Could I use your shower? KRAMER What, again? You took one this morning. JERRY (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please. KRAMER I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem. KRAMER (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here? KRAMER No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done. A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the apartment. GUY I'll go get some more beer. KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips. An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets Her approach. KRAMER Hey. STEFANIE Hi Cosmo. KRAMER Hi. STEFANIE (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah. KRAMER Ooh, I like that. JERRY (impressed) Who's that? KRAMER Stefanie. 2-G. JERRY Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here. Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment. KRAMER Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know. JERRY (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand. Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the narrowing gap until it shuts. THE END |
THE BOOKSTORE | THE BOOKSTORE Written by Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe (Bookstore) (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore) GEORGE I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York. JERRY First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody. (Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book) KRAMER Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China.. JERRY (Sarcastic) You better hurry. GEORGE I'm gonna hit the head. KRAMER Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles. (George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in) KRAMER Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call. JERRY She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year? KRAMER (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing. JERRY (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo. KRAMER Oh? Who's Leo? JERRY Uncle Leo. KRAMER Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name.. (Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat) JERRY Did I just see that?! KRAMER (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh? (Scene ends) The Annual Peterman Party) (Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes up to her) WALTER (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year? ELAINE Maybe.. All over your face! (A waiter serving food approaches Elaine) WAITER If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year. (Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman giving a toast) PETERMAN My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed) (Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down at Elaine's table) ZACH Hi, I'm Zach. ELAINE Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him) MANAGER Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing? GEORGE (Acting innocent) I'm all set. MANAGER (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom? GEORGE (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear? (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop) GEORGE They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there. GEORGE They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment! JERRY (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'? GEORGE I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc- JERRY (Cutting him off) Thank you very much. GEORGE Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie? JERRY I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore. GEORGE (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man! (Elaine enters and sits down) JERRY Sleeping in the caragain? ELAINE Cocktail flu. JERRY (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party.. GEORGE You, uh, didn't dance again, did you? ELAINE (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many.. GEORGE You went home with him? ELAINE Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down! JERRY (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything? ELAINE (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position? JERRY (Confused) What's your position? ELAINE I am an associate. GEORGE Hey, me too. (A waitress, passing their table, speaks up) WAITRESS Yeah, me too. ELAINE Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank. GEORGE Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating. ELAINE (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers. JERRY (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling. ELAINE (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo. (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) (Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a conference at his table) JERRY (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches? KRAMER (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten. NEWMAN (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way. KRAMER Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen! JERRY (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not. KRAMER Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.. JERRY (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't. NEWMAN He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss! JERRY Yes, it can. KRAMER We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet! NEWMAN It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine. JERRY So, who's gonna pull this thing? (Kramer and Newman both look at eachother) KRAMER (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would. NEWMAN Yeah, but I though- KRAMER (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no. JERRY (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment? KRAMER (Brainstorming) What about the homeless? NEWMAN Can't we worry about them later? KRAMER (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw. NEWMAN (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street.. KRAMER They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?! JERRY (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day. (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth) LEO Jerry, hello! (Sits down) JERRY So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay? LEO I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone. JERRY (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little? LEO What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not. JERRY (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday. LEO Why didn't ya say hello? JERRY Because you were too busy stealing a book. LEO (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello. JERRY (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal. LEO Oh, they don't care. We all do it. JERRY Who, criminals? LEO Senior citizens. No big deal. JERRY You could get arrested. LEO Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home? JERRY (Pleading) Leo.. LEO Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point. JERRY (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you. LEO (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?! (Scene ends) Peterman office building hallway) ELAINE (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank? WALTER Well.. ELAINE "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell. (Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making out with another co-worker) ELAINE (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh.. WALTER (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach? ELAINE Yeah. WALTER Aren't you upset? ELAINE (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh! (Scene ends) NYC street) (Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by are three homeless guys in a line) KRAMER Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit. (One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle) HOMELESS MAN The government! KRAMER (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body. (Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt.. NEWMAN Alright, who's first? (The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him on the shoulder - dust flies into the air) KRMAER Hey. NEWMAN Name, please. HOMELESS MAN Rusty. NEWMAN (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty. KRAMER (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence. NEWMAN (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go! (Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw) KRAMER (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form. NEWMAN (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money. (They both notice that Rusty is not stopping) KRAMER Hey, what's he doin'? NEWMAN I think he stealing our rickshaw! KRAMER Well, then, he's out! (Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing in line - alone) HOMELESS MAN 2 (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!" (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return the book) GEORGE Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book. CASHIER (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back. GEORGE Why not? CASHIER It's been flagged. GEORGE (Confused) Flagged? CASHIER It's been in the bathroom. GEORGE It says that on the computer? CASHIER Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books. GEORGE (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read! (George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book) JERRY (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting.. GUARD Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle? JERRY (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight.. GAURD (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond. JERRY '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right? GUARD Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm! (Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards) LEO What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused! GUARD You're under arrest. JERRY (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him. LEO Jerry, you ratted me out?! JERRY (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello? LEO Hello. (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) (Jerry is on the phone with his parents) JERRY Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight. HELEN Jerry, he won't last a day in prison. JERRY (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine. MORTY She's got priors. JERRY (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo? HELEN It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone. MORTY Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need. JERRY (Confused) What does that mean? HELEN Nobody pays for everyting. JERRY (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?! MORTY Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick. JERRY Mom, you too? HELEN Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them. (Kramer and Newman both enter) JERRY Alright, I'll talk to you later. KRAMER (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted. JERRY (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months. KRAMER (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans. NEWMAN We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords. (Newman and Kramer both go to leave) JERRY To the Idiotmobile! (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth) JERRY So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you? ELAINE That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office- JERRY (Butting in) Tina Turner? ELAINE (Accepting) Alright. (George enters with his large art book) GEORGE Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town! JERRY Is it so horrible to have to keep a book? GEORGE I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants. JERRY (Stern on George) Not underpants. ELAINE Hey, that's your Uncle Leo. (Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check) JERRY (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello! LEO (Bitter) Jerry. JERRY (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past. LEO (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget! JERRY (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?! (Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through it) ELAINE French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book? GEORGE Nothing. ELAINE How much do you want for it? GEORGE You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five. (Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at the booth) JERRY Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table? GEORGE (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down. JERRY (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book. ELAINE (Confused) What is wrong with this book? GEORGE Simmer! JERRY That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and- ELAINE (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands) GEORGE (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom? JERRY I don't read in the bathroom. GEORGE Well, aren't you something? (Scene ends) Elaine's office) (Peterman walks in) PETERMAN Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover. ELAINE (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room. PETERMAN Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton? ELAINE (Confused) Love newton? PETERMAN I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap. ELAINE An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better! PETERMAN And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel. ELAINE Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me! PETERMAN Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side. ELAINE Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh- PETERMAN (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho. (Scene ends) Jerry's bedroom) (Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep) HELEN It was a crime of passion. LEO If anyone betrays me, I never forget. HELEN He won't last a day in prison. (Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear") LEO (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone! (Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it) JERRY Hello? ELAINE Hey, it's me. JERRY Uncle Leo? ELAINE (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to? JERRY Nightmares. You? ELAINE My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals. ZACH (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine! ELAINE Eat your soup! JERRY You're not feeding him, are you? ELAINE Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go. (Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in) KRAMER Hey, buddy. JERRY (Scared) Ah! Kramer! KRAMER I thought I heard you. JERRY Get out of here! NEWMAN (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are. JERRY Will everybody please leave?! NEWMAN I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park. KRAMER Our rickshaw? NEWMAN It's entirely possible. JERRY I want everyone out! KRAMER (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa. NEWMAN (To Jerry) Good night. JERRY (Bitter) Good night, Newman. (Scene ends) Park) (Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park) NEWMAN There it is! KRAMER Rusty! RUSTY Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job? KRAMER (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home. NEWMAN Uh.. KRAMER What? NEWMAN You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance. KRAMER Yes, that's true. NEWMAN So, which one of us is gonna pull? KRAMER Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe.. NEWMAN (Realizing he won) Yeah. KRAMER Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot.. (Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling) NEMWAN Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling! (Scene ends) A homeless charity center) (Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her muffin stumps in episode "The Muffin Tops") REBECCA (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity? GEORGE Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off. REBECCA What's the value of the book? GEORGE Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney. REBECCA (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay. GEORGE Oh. REBECCA (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom. GEORGE (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous. REBECCA It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw! GEORGE (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal? REBECCA Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain! GEORGE I could take it in merchandise.. REBECCA (Threatening to hit him) Here I come.. (George grabs his book and runs for his life) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking with the cashier while checking out a book) ELAINE So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere? CASHIER Yeah. ELAINE Great. JERRY (To Elaine) So, the worst is over? ELAINE Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero. JERRY Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones. ELAIEN Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho. (She's through buying the book, and is ready to go) ELAINE (Leaving Jerry) See ya. JERRY (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please. (Scene ends) NYC Street) (Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer) NEWMAN Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop! KRAMER (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest) NEWMAN Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is. KRAMER (Stretching) Oh.. (The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill) NEWMAN (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer! (The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes an attempt to chase it) KRAMER Woah! Wait! NEWMAN Ahhh! Yaaaahhh! (Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street) ZACH (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life! (Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill) NEWMAN Waaaaahhhh! (Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, then running away from the crushed rickshaw) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George enter) JERRY George? What are you doin' here? GEORGE I can't sell the book. It's been marked. JERRY (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has. GEORGE So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even. JERRY (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even? GEORGE I'm goin' in! (George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks up to Jerry) MANAGER Did you want to speak with the manager? JERRY Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day.. MANAGER Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters. JERRY (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal. MANAGER That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone. JERRY So it could be anyone? MANAGER I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act. (Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent) JERRY That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm! (George is instantly surrounded by guards) GEORGE No! Jerry! THE END |
THE WATCH | THE WATCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? (Restaurant) Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner. MORTY (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day. JERRY Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle. Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. Helen watches her. HELEN (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive. JERRY She's okay. HELEN Just okay? JERRY She's nice. HELEN She's better than nice. JERRY She's all right. HELEN She's beautiful. JERRY She's not beautiful. HELEN I think she's beautiful. JERRY So you ask her out. HELEN I'm not gonna ask her out. JERRY Why not? HELEN If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you. JERRY She's pretty. She's not beautiful. HELEN I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. JERRY I think that's a little extreme. LEO (grudgingly) She's awright. MORTY (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this. (George's Car) GEORGE He said what? SUSAN "The hell with them." GEORGE "The hell with them?" SUSAN Those were his exact words. GEORGE (worried) Oh boy. SUSAN He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?" GEORGE (still worried) He was pretty emphatic? SUSAN Pounded on his desk. GEORGE Pounded? SUSAN (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. GEORGE (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end. SUSAN You said it was insulting. GEORGE I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. SUSAN Well, there's nothing I can do. GEORGE Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it? SUSAN Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. GEORGE Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? SUSAN You'll have to wait til Monday. GEORGE Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live? SUSAN (laugh) I can't give you his address. George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues. SUSAN Give it back! GEORGE Gimme the purse! (Kramer's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch. ELAINE Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. ELAINE Okay. KRAMER Have we been intimate? ELAINE Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate. KRAMER Alright, how often do we do it? ELAINE Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that? KRAMER Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that. ELAINE Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay? KRAMER (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) ELAINE Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say? KRAMER I know what I'm gonna say. ELAINE No, no, but I would like to hear it. KRAMER No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself. ELAINE (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him. KRAMER (playing with his hair) Talk to him. ELAINE Hey, how's your hair? KRAMER Oh, well, yeah, it's good. ELAINE (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer. KRAMER (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call. ELAINE (mouths silently) Okay. Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music. KRAMER (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he doing?' look. KRAMER ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... ELAINE (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. KRAMER ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends... Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going. KRAMER ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... Elaine smiles. KRAMER ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered. Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures. ELAINE (mouths silently) That's perfect! KRAMER If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's doing so well. KRAMER Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens) Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff. KRAMER ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick. KRAMER (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh... Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee. Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried. KRAMER ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long. Kramer hangs up the phone. ELAINE What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here? KRAMER Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together. ELAINE (horrified) Get together!! KRAMER He wants to talk. ELAINE Well, why didn't you say no!! KRAMER (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting. Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer. ELAINE (frustration) Ugh! (Restaurant) Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table. NAOMI Did you enjoy your poisson? HELEN It was... different. NAOMI (to Jerry) And how was yours? JERRY Ah, very good. NAOMI You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy. JERRY No thanks, just the check. Naomi leaves. HELEN What's the matter with you? JERRY What? HELEN Why didn't you flirt with her? JERRY Come on. HELEN She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something? JERRY What am I gonna say? HELEN You just sat there. JERRY Well, you made me uncomfortable. HELEN You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? LEO (to Morty) Where's the bathroom? JERRY In the back, on your right. Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war develops. JERRY Dad! MORTY Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. HELEN Jerry. JERRY Will you let me pay just once. MORTY You're out of your mind. JERRY How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet! MORTY Don't worry about it. JERRY What're you gonna do? MORTY What's the difference, we'll figure something out. HELEN (to Jerry) You're not paying. Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check. JERRY Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it too. MORTY How the hell am I gonna pay for this? (Restaurant Bathroom) Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the mirror. LEO They give you some portion here, huh? JERRY Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting. LEO (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy. JERRY So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh? LEO Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you. JERRY Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. LEO Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these. Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace with him. JERRY Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one. LEO (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm. JERRY (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you. (Apartment Building Lobby) A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George stands beside him. DOORMAN (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. GEORGE Costanza. Costanza. DOORMAN (into phone) George Costanza. GEORGE The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. DOORMAN (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday. A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls it down so's he can speak into it. GEORGE (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you! DOORMAN Excuse me. GEORGE It's about the show. It... No, it was... DOORMAN Excuse me. GEORGE ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple. George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does. DOORMAN (into phone) Very good, sir. A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward Russell Dalrimple's apartment. (Restaurant) Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks with an approximate French accent. MORTY You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. MAITRE D' Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back? MORTY No, no, he won't let me do that. MAITRE D' Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly? MORTY He could wash them. MAITRE D' Monsieur, we are running a reputable business. MORTY Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years! MAITRE D' Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? MORTY You don't understand my... MAITRE D' Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah. (Street Corner) Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building. ELAINE Now look, don't take too long. KRAMER (looking around) Look at this building. What is this? ELAINE I don't know. It's a building. KRAMER (indicating) The door's on a diagonal. ELAINE So what? KRAMER (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect. ELAINE (frustrated) Just go. Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, then wonders why she's doing that and gives up. (Russell Dalrimple's Apartment) Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She looks haughty and bored throughout the scene. GEORGE (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything. RUSSELL We were about to sit down to dinner. George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave. RUSSELL (indicating) This is Cynthia. GEORGE (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal? RUSSELL No. GEORGE Looks like veal. RUSSELL It's not veal. GEORGE Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh) RUSSELL Who gave you my address? GEORGE No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. Russell closes the door. GEORGE He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted. Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area. GEORGE Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. RUSSELL So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table. As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it. GEORGE Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. CYNTHIA (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide. GEORGE Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... RUSSELL Blossom's on Monday. GEORGE Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter) RUSSELL Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team. GEORGE (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? George is opening the door. RUSSELL Alright, now look. These deals are already made. George closes the door and turns back to Russell. GEORGE Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... George opens the door, and is halfway through. RUSSELL Mister Costanza. George re-enters again. GEORGE Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway... George is halfway through the door again. CYNTHIA (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? RUSSELL (to George) Alright. Eight thousand. GEORGE (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal George. GEORGE May I just use your bathroom for a moment? (Restaurant Bathroom) Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch. JERRY Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here! LEO Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it. JERRY Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred! LEO (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. JERRY Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it! LEO You have it on you? JERRY Yeah, I think I do. Jerry fetches out his wallet. JERRY (under his breath) This is unbelievable. Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the bathroom opens and Morty enters. MORTY What the hell is going on here? (Dr Reston's Office) On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces himself to Dr Reston. KRAMER Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you. RESTON (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in. KRAMER Thank you. RESTON Please, sit down. Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each other, he crosses his legs. KRAMER (quiet) Okay. Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed legs sitting position. RESTON Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? KRAMER Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino? RESTON I don't think we have that. KRAMER Well, that's a little strange. RESTON Uh, why does that surprise you? KRAMER Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink RESTON This is an office. KRAMER That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh... RESTON (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer... KRAMER ...Okay, yes, shoot. RESTON Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine. KRAMER Oh, alrighty uh... He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from the leather. KRAMER Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation. RESTON Is it? KRAMER Oh, you better believe it. (Street Corner) Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe Davola, singing as he goes. DAVOLA (singing) '...Travelling along...' Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in. ELAINE/DAVOLA '...singing a song, side by side...' Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees, and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt. ELAINE Wow. You really have a terrible voice. DAVOLA Do I know you? ELAINE Uhh, I don't think so. DAVOLA 'Cos you really look familiar. ELAINE Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount Rushmore. DAVOLA Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. ELAINE Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt. DAVOLA Oh really. ELAINE Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. They laugh and smile at each other. (Dr. Reston's Office) Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing. KRAMER You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right. RESTON I'm glad we agree. KRAMER (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans. RESTON I'd love one. Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket. KRAMER Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple. Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe. RESTON If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... KRAMER (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. RESTON ...About anything. You have my number. KRAMER (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you. Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars. KRAMER Mmm, these are good, huh? Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box. KRAMER (quiet) Oh. Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits. (Street Corner) Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a piece of paper. ELAINE I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you? DAVOLA No, I don't think so. Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut. (Restaurant) Naomi is handing her card to Jerry. JERRY I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. NAOMI (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here. JERRY Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate. NAOMI (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo. JERRY Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin? NAOMI Why? JERRY They eat fish. Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent. Jerry leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief on his face. (Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office) A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens and Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks away, relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling happily. (Street Corner) Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine. KRAMER Hey. ELAINE What happened? What took you so long? KRAMER Hey, he's a terrific guy. ELAINE Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? KRAMER Well, we talked about a lot of things. The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office. ELAINE You talked about a lot of things? Well... KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Did you talk about us? Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window fade up. DAVOLA I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. RESTON Did you say Elaine? (Nightclub) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!" (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing packing. MORTY You shoulda told me it didn't work. JERRY I know, I know. HELEN You didn't have to throw it out. JERRY I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am. The buzzer sounds. HELEN Oh, that must be Leo. JERRY I woulda taken you to the airport. HELEN He has nothing to do. JERRY Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? GEORGE It's George. JERRY Come on up. (to parents) It's George. MORTY Oh, it's George. HELEN What ever happened with NBC and the deal? JERRY Ah, George turned it down. HELEN He turned it down? JERRY Yeah. HELEN Why did he do that? JERRY Because of Ted Danson. HELEN What does Ted Danson have to do with it? MORTY Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson. JERRY (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money. George enters. GEORGE (to Jerry) Hey. MORTY Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? GEORGE Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you? He approaches Helen for a greeting. HELEN What's the matter with you? GEORGE What'd I do? JERRY What about NBC? Did you hear anything? GEORGE Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait. GEORGE We got a deal. There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at George. MORTY/HELEN/JERRY (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! JERRY Heyy! Terrific. MORTY You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) GEORGE Uh, please, Morty. MORTY No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again) GEORGE I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... JERRY Aww... GEORGE ...Who's not doing this for the money. JERRY ...C'mon. GEORGE You have no idea how refreshing that is. JERRY So what'd we get? GEORGE (big smile) Eight thousand dollars. JERRY Beautiful! GEORGE (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us. HELEN Four thousand apiece? JERRY Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money. GEORGE I was wrong, you were right. JERRY You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up. GEORGE You're smart, I'm dumb. JERRY You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. The buzzer sounds. HELEN That's gotta be Leo. JERRY (to intercom) Yeah? LEO Leo. JERRY Alright, we're coming down. MORTY Alright, let's get going. JERRY Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you. Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to Morty. JERRY A present. MORTY A present? Morty opens it. MORTY Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see. JERRY C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. HELEN I hope you didn't spend too much on that. MORTY I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me. HELEN He's something, you son, isn't he? JERRY Ah hah, alright, let's go. Everyone begins to head for the door. MORTY You're a terrific kid. Jerry picks up a case. JERRY Okay. GEORGE Yeah, he's something, isn't he? George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit. HELEN How could anybody not like you? GEORGE (to Jerry) You're very special. JERRY (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars. (Street) Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient. LEO Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. MORTY Alright, Leo. JERRY Hey, uncle Leo. LEO Hi, hi... JERRY How you doing? There are murmurs of greetings. JERRY This is some beautiful parking spot you got here. LEO Yeah, I hate to give it up. JERRY Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money? MORTY Jerry! JERRY Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip. HELEN (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry. GEORGE Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care. MORTY Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet. GEORGE (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. JERRY Take care now. So long. Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment. They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear. GEORGE Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money. JERRY Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. GEORGE You're kidding. JERRY He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. GEORGE Man, would I like to see the look on his face. Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back. MORTY You believe this? HELEN What? MORTY (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro. HELEN You're kidding. MORTY Who needs this? He tosses the wallet into the trash bin. MORTY Leo, let's go. Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo picks the wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and tucks it into his pocket as he goes to get in the car. (Comedy club) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check." THE END |
THE PHONE MESSAGE | THE PHONE MESSAGE Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine." GEORGE So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like - remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? - that's what I looked like. JERRY So you didn't ask? GEORGE No, I froze. JERRY (Points to counter) Counter. GEORGE Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss. JERRY He said wuss? GEORGE Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it. JERRY So you called. (They sit at counter) GEORGE Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual. JERRY Yeah, like a farm boy. GEORGE Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!' JERRY Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful. GEORGE Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there. JERRY Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic 'Hi!' Go ahead. GEORGE So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you doing Saturday night?" JERRY And? GEORGE She bought. JERRY Great day in the morning. GEORGE Then I got off the phone right away. JERRY Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out. GEORGE It's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night. I can't remember the last time that happened. George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George and his date CAROL GEORGE I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear. CAROL You do not. GEORGE Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year. (They both laugh) Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and his GIRLFRIEND DONNA JERRY (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. DONNA That's Irish. JERRY Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie? (Donna laughs) DONNA So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great. GEORGE Yeah. We should do this again. DONNA Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee? GEORGE Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up. DONNA (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK. GEORGE OK. DONNA Goodnight. GEORGE Yeah, take it easy. (Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes his forehead in disgust) DONNA Thanks again for the movie. JERRY You're welcome. DONNA I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. JERRY Oh, that's OK. DONNA Unless you want to go to your place. JERRY OK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for. GEORGE Take it easy, huh, take it easy. JERRY I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up. DONNA Values are very important. JERRY Oh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night - you wanna have dinner? DONNA Thursday's great. (Moves closer) JERRY (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them. DONNA Are those Cotton Dockers? JERRY Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial. DONNA Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses) JERRY You like that commercial? DONNA Yeah, it's clever. JERRY Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty? DONNA Yeah, that's the one. JERRY What could you possibly like about that? DONNA I don't know, I like the guys. JERRY Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. DONNA Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true. JERRY (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you? DONNA (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants. JERRY But they're talking about nothing. DONNA That's the point. JERRY I know the point. DONNA No one is telling you to like it. JERRY I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be? (Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch) JERRY MONOLOGUE What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking 'What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?' JERRY I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial? ELAINE I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough. JERRY No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason? ELAINE Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his TUB germs were building a town in there - they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000. (George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag) ELAINE Hi. (George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, places them on counter) JERRY You're still thinking about this? GEORGE (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me. JERRY She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee. GEORGE She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex. ELAINE Maybe coffee was coffee. GEORGE Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at night. ELAINE Well some people drink coffee that late. GEORGE Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great." ELAINE It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her. GEORGE I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call. ELAINE Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day. GEORGE Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar. ELAINE All she'll think is that you like her. GEORGE Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me! ELAINE I don't know what your parents did to you. (Kramer enters, points at Jerry) KRAMER Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it? JERRY I don't think so. KRAMER It's funny. ELAINE It is funny. KRAMER That's as good as anything you do. GEORGE Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on. JERRY Why do we have to leave? GEORGE Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, let's go. ELAINE Oh, see, this is the problem. JERRY You're kicking me out of my house? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE Don't forget. GEORGE Oh Jerry, do you have any apples? JERRY Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples. (Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone) PHONE Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep) GEORGE Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, uhm, so, you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy. (Hangs up. Jerry enters) JERRY I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the matter, did you call? (Elaine enters) GEORGE Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. Dead man. JERRY What did you say? GEORGE I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right NOW 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!' JERRY After one date you try and improvise on her machine? GEORGE Now I'm in the worst position of all. ELAINE Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape. GEORGE He did that? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Somebody did that? JERRY She'll call you back. You're overreacting. JERRY Not once. DONNA Never? JERRY I have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life ever. DONNA That's amazing. JERRY Thank you. DONNA Is there anything else about you I should know? JERRY Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. DONNA Really? JERRY I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm, I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom) (George enters) GEORGE Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave) DONNA Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom. GEORGE I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back. DONNA You don't have to leave. GEORGE You sure? DONNA Yes. GEORGE OK. DONNA I'm Donna. GEORGE Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial! DONNA He told you about that. GEORGE No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything. He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. (Jerry re- enters) DONNA (To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip because I like that commercial. JERRY What? (To George) What did, what did you say? GEORGE Say? What? Nothing, I.. DONNA You told him how I like the commercial. JERRY Well, so what if I said that? DONNA Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends. JERRY No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you. GEORGE (To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble? DONNA I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. GEORGE Boy oh boy. JERRY I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what? DONNA I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial. JERRY Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there. (Kramer enters) K Hey. JERRY Oh, Kramer, this is Donna. k Oh. Cotton Dockers! GEORGE Hello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer) k What? Where are we going? GEORGE Come on! DONNA Don't bother, I'm leaving. JERRY Donna, really, you're making too much of this. K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just pants! JERRY Please, Donna. DONNA I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves) GEORGE I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault. JERRY Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway. k What happened there? JERRY I'll tell you later. GEORGE You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman. GEORGE OK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the MACHINE AGAIN "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is." Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face." JERRY You said that? GEORGE I lost it. JERRY I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back. GEORGE She did. Today. JERRY What? GEORGE She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for it. JERRY So she didn't get the messages. GEORGE Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she gets home. JERRY But what about the messages? (George produces cassette tape from pocket) JERRY Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in? GEORGE I'll meet her outside the building. JERRY But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right for that machine. GEORGE Or she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who am I kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those stupid machines. JERRY There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out. GEORGE You do it for me. JERRY What? GEORGE Come on, it'll be so much easier. JERRY How you gonna get me up there? GEORGE I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown. JERRY And who makes the switch? GEORGE You do. JERRY I do. GEORGE I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy. JERRY I can't get involved in this. GEORGE I think I may be in love with this woman. JERRY What if she sees me? GEORGE Oh, you are such a wuss. JERRY A wuss? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Did you call me a wuss? GEORGE Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen. JERRY I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming. GEORGE A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy toe!' JERRY 'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so. GEORGE You don't like 'Tippy toe?' JERRY No 'Tippy toe.' GEORGE Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing. JERRY What song? GEORGE Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' JERRY What is that? GEORGE Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem like Maria? JERRY Anything else? GEORGE You pick it. JERRY 'Lemon Tree' GEORGE Peter, Paul and Mary. JERRY No, Trini Lopez. BOTH (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower GEORGE You got the tape? JERRY (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro. GEORGE How do you feel? Confident? JERRY Feel good. GEORGE You nervous? JERRY Not at all. GEORGE Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go! (Carol arrives) GEORGE Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home. GEORGE I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. CAROL Oh, that's so sweet. GEORGE Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time. JERRY All the time. CAROL It's nice to meet you. JERRY Hi. CAROL So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat? GEORGE You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home. CAROL OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park? GEORGE Don't you wanna go upstairs first? CAROL No, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman. JERRY You know, I really need to use the bathroom. CAROL Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. GEORGE Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so... CAROL Well they have a phone. (George takes Carol to one side) GEORGE I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs. CAROL (Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine. GEORGE Right, right. (They enter building) CAROL The bathroom's on the hall to the right. JERRY Er, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip. CAROL No, I'm fine. JERRY Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest thing, it went away. CAROL Oh that's weird. GEORGE No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that in medical journals. It's a freak thing, but... CAROL Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go. GEORGE Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now. CAROL Sure. GEORGE Please, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other room) (Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape) GEORGE (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree! (Carol reappears followed by George) CAROL (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen you, it's driving me crazy. JERRY Right. I am. GEORGE Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry. (George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes) JERRY (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go. (George and Carol return) CAROL That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool? GEORGE (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange? JERRY Yes. CAROL Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here, let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone. GEORGE Oh, uhhh... CAROL Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that. (All three leave) I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) "I told him!" THE END |
THE SECRET CODE | THE SECRET CODE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you get excited? It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money! (George and Susan are in George's apartment) SUSAN Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM. GEORGE Yeah, I better grab some too. SUSAN I'll get it for you; just give me your card. GEORGE You sure? SUSAN Yeah, just tell me your code. GEORGE My code? (Jerry and George are at the coffee shop) JERRY So why didn't you tell her the code? GEORGE No. No way. JERRY George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely. GEORGE It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.' JERRY So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now? GEORGE Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish? JERRY Actually, that's the definition of selfish. GEORGE Have you ever given your code to anyone? JERRY No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.' GEORGE Superman's father on Krypton. JERRY Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister. GEORGE No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason. JERRY What if my life depended on it? GEORGE If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code. Jerry stands up and begins limping. GEORGE What's the matter with your leg? JERRY My foot fell asleep. GEORGE How'd your foot fall asleep? JERRY I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate. A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table. FRED Hey Jerry. JERRY Hey Fred. GEORGE Hey Fred. JERRY My foot fell asleep. FRED You're lucky, at least you got something to do. Elaine walks in. JERRY Fred, do you know Elaine? FRED No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys. GEORGE Alright, bye. JERRY Seeya. ELAINE Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.' JERRY So? ELAINE So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes. JERRY And he didn't remember you? Elaine gets up to leave. JERRY Where are you going, you just got here? ELAINE I gotta go talk to him. Elaine catches up to Fred on the street. ELAINE Excuse me, excuse me, Fred? FRED Yeah? ELAINE You just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before. FRED We have? ELAINE Yeah, at Katie Ash's party? FRED What was your name again? ELAINE Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald? FRED Not ringing a bell. ELAINE When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'? FRED Mmm, no. ELAINE That was right when we were in front of the bathroom door. FRED The bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun. Kramer enters holding a police scanner. JERRY Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow. KRAMER Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this. JERRY What is that? KRAMER Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman. JERRY Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made. KRAMER When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder. JERRY You're lucky they let you drive a car. KRAMER No no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools. Kramer runs out, Elaine enters. ELAINE What was that? JERRY (waving his arm in dismissal) Eh. ELAINE Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me. JERRY Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women. ELAINE What are you saying? JERRY Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you. ELAINE Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know. JERRY I know. ELAINE Ya know? JERRY Yeah, I know. ELAINE Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog. JERRY Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe. ELAINE Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me. JERRY Why would I wanna do that? ELAINE Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful. JERRY Yeah, sounds like fun. George and Susan are at George's apartment. SUSAN I want you to tell me, George. GEORGE Why? Why is my code so important? SUSAN Because, it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another. GEORGE Well I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles. SUSAN My cycles? GEORGE Yeah, I never know what's going on there. SUSAN Well from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles. GEORGE Please. SUSAN Anything else? GEORGE We're out of Bosco! Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store. JERRY Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store. LEAPIN' LARRY Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap shots. JERRY No I don't. LEAPIN' LARRY Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the mess. This renovation is killing me. JERRY My foot's asleep again! Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe limp, LEAPIN' LARRY When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store. JERRY You know what? I'll be with you in a minute. Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' Larry's employee begins laughing. EMPLOYEE That is a great impression! Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. Jerry is embarrassed. JERRY Larry, wait, you don't understand! Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment. KRAMER I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to? JERRY I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep. KRAMER Oh, oh your foot fell asleep. JERRY Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it. KRAMER Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba? Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button. JERRY Yup. VOICE Hup. A news bulletin is shown on the TV. KRAMER Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday. JERRY Wow, the whole building burned down. KRAMER They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes? JERRY Of course. KRAMER It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate. JERRY The amazing thing is you never have any place to go. Kramer leaves, George enters. GEORGE Where we gonna eat? JERRY We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place. GEORGE Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman. JERRY Of course not, if I did would you have gone? GEORGE No way. JERRY There you go. GEORGE I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off. JERRY Trust me, you're off. Elaine bumps into Fred on the street. ELAINE Oh, hi Fred. FRED Um, hello? ELAINE It's Elaine. FRED Oh yeah, yeah, right. ELAINE How ya doin'? FRED I'm depressed. I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it. ELAINE Yeah, that's too bad. FRED Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted. ELAINE Hmm. I never take them. FRED Cause they make you nauseous, right? ELAINE Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered! FRED Do you wanna have dinner tonight? ELAINE Hmm. Tonight. FRED What, you have other plans? ELAINE No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember. Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up in mid-conversation. JERRY ...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code. GEORGE Call the Embassy. JERRY They're closed. GEORGE Why? JERRY Bomb threat. GEORGE We're in Turkey? JERRY Midnight Express, my friend. GEORGE My card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system. Mr. Peterman walks in. PETERMAN You must be Jerry Seinfeld. JERRY Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza. PETERMAN J. Peterman. GEORGE J. Crew. JERRY Well, is Elaine here? PETERMAN Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls. GEORGE What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us? JERRY Without Elaine? What for? GEORGE What, is he crazy? JERRY We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man. GEORGE I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank. JERRY George, what's the matter with you? GEORGE I'm choking! PETERMAN Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we? JERRY Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry. PETERMAN I understand, no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine. Elaine is waiting on the street. ELAINE I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up? George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. George is disinterested. PETERMAN ...And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars. GEORGE Howbout sports? Do you follow sports? Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn beside him on the couch. TV ANNOUNCER It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You gotta love sports! Peterman is driving George home. GEORGE You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really. PETERMAN Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy. The car phone rings, Peterman answers. PETERMAN Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time. Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the passenger side window. Elaine is on the phone with Jerry. JERRY I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor. ELAINE Well, Fred asked me out. JERRY Fred? ELAINE Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy. JERRY You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you. ELAINE I am? But that's so sick. JERRY That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together. ELAINE Anyway, so how was the dinner? JERRY Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there. ELAINE What about Georgie? JERRY Nah, he didn't make it. Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting with the doctor. PETERMAN Doctor, how is she? DOCTOR She's too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice. PETERMAN Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama. She looks off in George's direction. GEORGE I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son. Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair with a coat covering him. Peterman wakes him up. PETERMAN Shake off the dew, my friend. GEORGE Yeah. What time is it? PETERMAN It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you? GEORGE Who? PETERMAN Momma. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it helps. Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation. GEORGE Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fianc�, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief! MRS. PETERMAN Bosco. Bosco. GEORGE Oh, shhh. MRS. PETERMAN Bosco! PETERMAN Momma? George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret. MRS. PETERMAN Bosco! Bosco! Bosco! GEORGE Shut up! Shut up! Peterman runs in. PETERMAN Momma! What are you trying to say? MRS. PETERMAN Bosco. Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes. PETERMAN She's gone. Bosco? Peterman looks at George, who shrugs. George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment. GEORGE You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant. JERRY I did not bail out on you. GEORGE Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse? JERRY Why didn't you come up with your own? GEORGE I froze. I think I'm losing it. JERRY Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump? GEORGE No, no. I reached down and there was *nothing* there. Kramer enters. GEORGE Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral. JERRY Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it? GEORGE I am not giving you my code. KRAMER I'll bet I can guess it. GEORGE Pssh. Yeah. Right. KRAMER Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? GEORGE Huh? KRAMER You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. GEORGE Get out of here. KRAMER Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean. GEORGE I'm leaving. KRAMER No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! GEORGE I gotta go. KRAMER If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! GEORGE Shut up! KRAMER Nestl�'s Quik! GEORGE Shut up! Elaine and George are at the funeral. GEORGE What was that? ELAINE What? GEORGE You just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him? ELAINE I got a date. Mr. Peterman walks up. ELAINE Oh, Mr. Peterman. PETERMAN Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps. GEORGE Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've gotta get going. PETERMAN You do? GEORGE Uh, yes, actually we-we both do. ELAINE I have a personal commitment. GEORGE Well, personal, I mean, we both uh... PETERMAN What is it? ELAINE I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference. GEORGE Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference. PETERMAN I don't believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you to stop by. ELAINE My pleasure. PETERMAN Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this. Elaine leaves. PETERMAN You know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name. Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket. KRAMER Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me? JERRY Fire station? KRAMER Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world! JERRY Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's. KRAMER Oh, so he took you back. JERRY Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven. KRAMER Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something. JERRY No I didn't. Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain. CAPTAIN Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive. KRAMER Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show. CAPTAIN Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are. Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's. JERRY Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding. LEAPIN' LARRY Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to show you around the store. JERRY Oh sure. Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep. JERRY Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there. Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, he accidentally bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid which spills onto some exposed electrical wires causing a fire. Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing. DISPATCHER Attention Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse. KRAMER Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam. CAPTAIN Stay out of this, Kramer. Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a try. As he lands he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor in a daze. KRAMER Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go? FIREMAN I drive the back of the truck. Kramer's face lights up. KRAMER Well, you'd better take it easy. Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of the truck. Elaine and Fred are having dinner. FRED Sorry about the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that? ELAINE Huh. FRED The worst part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's no transportation... ELAINE What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him... FRED ...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her. George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket. PETERMAN Bosco. Bosco. Bosco. There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames! Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head. PETERMAN George! Inside the speeding fire engine. CAPTAIN Gonna make a left onto Broadway. KRAMER No, I would advise against that. CAPTAIN Who is this? Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck. KRAMER It's Kramer! CAPTAIN Kramer?! What the hell are you doing back there? KRAMER DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose. Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances as smoke pours from the building. A woman approaches Jerry. WOMAN How did this start? JERRY Beats me. LEAPIN' LARRY Where the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole store! Cut back to Kramer on the truck. CAPTAIN Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this equipment! MAN ON THE STREET Hey, Kramer! KRAMER Hey! Cut back to Leapin' Larry's. LEAPIN' LARRY Try the scanner, see if you can pick up anything. Jerry turns on the scanner. CAPTAIN What are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road! KRAMER Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it! JERRY Kramer? Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck. CAPTAIN You're losing control! Hard right! Hard right! Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing sound, and then static. JERRY Ah, that's a shame. George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled block. PETERMAN The fire will eat up this entire block! They come upon an ATM vestibule. PETERMAN Look, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger! MAN But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card! PETERMAN George, give me your ATM card! GEORGE I don't have my ATM card. PETERMAN George, you're obviously lying, anyone can see that! George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it into the slot and tries the door. PETERMAN It's jammed! I'll slide it under the door, The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine. MAN Now give me your code! GEORGE What?! Why? MAN The machine won't open without the code! PETERMAN George, give him your code! GEORGE But I-I-I- PETERMAN George, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, man!! MAN The code!! The code!! George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in and drops some mail on the coffee table. SUSAN Hi. Here's your cash, George. GEORGE Hm. Thanks. SUSAN And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco? JERRY Oh my god. Look at this. GEORGE Hm? PERRY It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look. (Jerry hands the catalog to George.) GEORGE The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother. THE END |
THE TRUTH | THE TRUTH Written by Elaine Pope & Larry Charles (Comedy club) Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ... (Monk's) PATRICE Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats GEORGE I don't understand. Paper Machay hats? PATRICE uh uh GEORGE What if it rains? FD They're art. You hang them on the wall. GEORGE Oh, art! PATRICE It's my creative outlet. One of my passions. GEORGE Any money in it? PATRICE Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos GEORGE Of course, right. PATRICE Thomas Carlisle, 1864. GEORGE Tommy C. Jerry's Apartment JERRY These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86. KRAMER I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited JERRY I don't blame you. I blame myself. KRAMER No, blame me. JERRY OK, I blame you. KRAMER Don't blame me. JERRY What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa. KRAMER It was supposed to erupt. JERRY I find the whole thing very embarrassing. KRAMER You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes. JERRY Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hi, JERRY Hi ELAINE Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. (Jerry smiles) ELAINE What's so funny JERRY Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny. ELAINE Uh, it's a riot Alice. KRAMER When do you pit the sauce on? ELAINE Any other time. KRAMER I like to strain the sauce. ELAINE And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room KRAMER Yeah, Tina likes the couch. ELAINE What are you doing? What is all this? JERRY Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited. ELAINE O, your being auditted? What for? JERRY Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring. ELAINE When was this? JERRY Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. ELAINE I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. JERRY Volcano? Really? ELAINE Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ... JERRY Something to drink? ELAINE What did you think, that would impress me? JERRY You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans ELAINE Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off? JERRY Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long. ELAINE Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma. JERRY No, that's Krama. ELAINE So, waddya' going to do? JERRY It's all taken care of. ELAINE How is that? KRAMER (chuckles) JERRY An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. ELAINE Why is she doing this? JERRY I don't know. It must be love. Monks GEORGE I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems. PATRICE What did I do? GEORGE Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love. PATRICE You hate my earrings don't you? GEORGE No, no, PATRICE And you didn't comment on the chop sticks. GEORGE I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice. PATRICE You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something. GEORGE I have a fear of intimacy PATRICE Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong? GEORGE Nothing. It's not YOU.. PATRICE I want the truth. GEORGE The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay? PATRICE Keep goin'. GEORGE I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh. PATRICE No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest. GEORGE Can I uh, can I walk you back to work? PATRICE I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe? GEORGE Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f... Jerry's Apartment JERRY ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands ELAINE I don't blame ya' JERRY Have you ever been through an audit? ELAINE No. JERRY It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ... (buzzer) JERRY Yeah GEORGE George JERRY Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor GEORGE My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle) JERRY And there's so much more to go. GEORGE Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth JERRY So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers? GEORGE Oh, oh, your papers JERRY What happened you didn't give her the papers? GEORGE No. I did. JERRY SO? GEORGE ...I broke up with her. (Kramer leaves) JERRY You what? GEORGE I broke up with her. JERRY I'm being audited! And you broke up with her? GEORGE It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it. JERRY Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them. GEORGE Oh, no. We left on good terms. JERRY How is that possible? GEORGE Because I uh, I told her the truth. JERRY Oh, my God. GEORGE It's OK. JERRY It's unheard of ... GEORGE She asked me to. JERRY So you lie! What did you tell her? GEORGE I told her that she was pretentious. JERRY Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want ELAINE How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth? GEORGE Like what? What could they say? ELAINE There are plenty of things to say. GEORGE Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of? ELAINE George, please. GEORGE Give me one. ELAINE You sure? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE What? ELAINE Forget it. You are very careful with money. GEORGE I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me? ELAINE You asked me to. GEORGE You should have lied. ELAINE HUH, so should you. JERRY OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers? GEORGE (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now. ELAINE I know. GEORGE When I was working I spent baby. JERRY Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers? GEORGE She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her. ELAINE Pocketbook or a handbag? JERRY Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office. GEORGE Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up) JERRY What? What? GEORGE She never came back from lunch. JERRY This is no good. This is no good. Call her house. GEORGE (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up. JERRY Not good. GEORGE All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits) JERRY Not good (break) Jerry's Apartment KRAMER Yeah, it's a windshield. JERRY I can see that. What's it for? KRAMER I found it on the road. JERRY Yeah (to buzzer) ELAINE (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy? JERRY Come on up. KRAMER Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina. JERRY wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch? KRAMER wow (Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares) ELAINE hell-oo KRAMER hell-oo JERRY What's with you two? ELAINE You haven't told him? JERRY Tell me what? ELAINE Huh, go ahead, tell him. KRAMER I, I saw her naked. ELAINE He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked. KRAMER Well, you know, ... it was an accident. ELAINE Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know! KRAMER I thought it was a closet. JERRY Completely naked? KRAMER Completely naked. ELAINE Jerrryyy, How can I go on? KRAMER All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. (Kramer begins disrobing) ELAINE No thanks! KRAMER No, I want you to see me naked. ELAINE No, no no. KRAMER No, I want to show you. ELAINE No! Jerry! Jerry! JERRY OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story. (Kramer sits down picks up windshield) ELAINE Ehat is this? KRAMER Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table. ELAINE Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it. JERRY You'll sense it. (George enters slowly) JERRY Well, what happened? Was she there? GEORGE No, no she wasn't. JERRY You didn't get my papers? GEORGE No, I didn't. JERRY Well, where is she? GEORGE A mental institution. STAND UP ROUTINE Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot. = Jerry's Apartment JERRY A mental institution? KRAMER You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head. GEORGE It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this. ELAINE Who told you this: GEORGE Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. KRAMER My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect. JERRY You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS! GEORGE She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her. JERRY So what now? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY Can we go out there? GEORGE Where? JERRY Woodhaven. GEORGE We could. Woodhaven GEORGE I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before. JERRY My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?" GEORGE I should be in a place like this I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those. JERRY That'd be great. There's no wrong answer. GEORGE Potato JERRY Tuberculosis GEORGE Blanket JERRY Leroy GEORGE Grass JERRY Tuberculosis GEORGE Oh, boy. Here she comes. Elaine's Apartment (African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes are piled high in the kitchen) ELAINE Oh, my god. (Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.) ELAINE KRAMER! KRAMER Hey. ELAINE WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON. KRAMER Uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. TINA Kramer, are you coming back to bed? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby. TINA Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table? ELAINE It's invisible. KRAMER So, is everything cool? or what? TINA Yeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional. ELAINE Well, TINA Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth. ELAINE The Truth!, You want The Truth? Woodhaven PATRICE Who are you? GEORGE Oh, this is my friend Jerry. PATRICE Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want? JERRY Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George. PATRICE George thinks I'm pretentious. GEORGE Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution. PATRICE You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here. GEORGE No, that's not it at all. PATRICE Don't LIE George. GEORGE I'M NOT A LIER! GEORGE Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent) JERRY Just chatting. Friendly. GEORGE All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices. PATRICE I know what you said. You can't change that. GEORGE What I said? I saw stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. JERRY It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook? GEORGE You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you. PATRICE You mean that? GEORGE Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile. JERRY He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket book. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. PATRICE Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies. JERRY there are no copies. PATRICE So are you saying you want to continue seeing me? JERRY Who makes copies? Elaine's Apartment ELAINE The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple. (Elaine exits) KRAMER Oh, TINA Kramer, (dancing in the dark to the music) TINA Here Kramer? KRAMER No, lets go to the couch... (sound of smashing glass) Jerry's Apartment ( JERRY (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer thatI bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye. JERRY Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt. ELAINE I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital. JERRY George? GEORGE I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good. (Kramer enter - all bandaged up. KRAMER Hey, Are you going to the hospital now? ELAINE Yeah, I suppose I am. KRAMER All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. JERRY You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride. GEORGE Hey, I'm getting in on that. ELAINE You know you're chippin' in. GEORGE You're going that way anyway! (Comedy club) I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!" THE END |
THE SUSIE | THE SUSIE Written by David Mandel [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down the street at dusk.] KRAMER Look how dark it's gettin' already. JERRY Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet. KRAMER When does it start? JERRY [pause] I don't know, they just tell you the night before. KRAMER Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. [pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)] I am springin' ahead riiight now. JERRY [under breath] Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.. [JERRY sees MIKE down the sidewalk. MIKE's peering into a shop window.] JERRY Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit.. KRAMER Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago! JERRY I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy. KRAMER Hey! Mike! MIKE [sees and is enthused, coming over] Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?! JERRY Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that.. MIKE Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie! JERRY No openings in arson? MIKE [pauses, struck by J's attitude] Either of you guys wanna place a bet: I'm your guy. KRAMER [quickly] Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease. JERRY I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. [casually leaves] MIKE Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing? KRAMER You kidding? It's all water near a bridge. MIKE Hey, what time you got? KRAMER [pulling out his timepiece] Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six. MIKE Whoa--uh--I'm really late. [leaves] [ELAINE's at work, with PEGGY at Peggy's drafting table, looking at Peggy's designs. (PEGGY is an older, thin woman.)] ELAINE Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me. PEGGY Oh, it was no problem. ELAINE [leaving with the drawings] Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em. PEGGY [focusing on her work] Thanks, Susie. [At the door, ELAINE turns around, wondering if she heard right, and should she say anything. PEGGY looks up, pleasantly nods at her, and returns to her work. ELAINE wavers and decides to let it drop, and leaves.] [That night at Monk's, JERRY and ELAINE are sitting in a booth.] ELAINE You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie." JERRY I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe. ELAINE What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island? JERRY Who are you describing? ELAINE Someone I know. JERRY Named Sharon? ELAINE I'd rather not say. [GEORGE has just come in and grabs a chair to put a garment bag on.] GEORGE Hey. ELAINE [to say hello] Mmm! What's in the bag? GEORGE [sitting] Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh! JERRY Kind of a Yankee prom? GEORGE [resentfully dampened] It's not a prom. It's a Ball. JERRY You taking Allison? GEORGE Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe-- JERRY Live? ELAINE Lithe. GEORGE Live? ELAINE [rolling her eyes] Lithe! JERRY Oh, lithe! ELAINE Well, you two'll have a great time there. JERRY It can't be worse than this. ELAINE Mmm! GEORGE An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance! ELAINE Backless? Ya gonna back her in? GEORGE Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls. ELAINE She's not gonna twirl-- GEORGE She'll Twirl. [GEORGE and ALLISON are coming into George's "house."] GEORGE That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around. ALLISON [weary] All right. GEORGE Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer? ALLISON [digging in purse] Yeah, uh--here. [hands him ticket] GEORGE Oh! Great! ALLISON Uh. Say, George-- GEORGE Woo! Courtside! [mock-snide] Is that the best you could do? Ha ha! ALLISON [sitting] George. We need to talk. GEORGE What? ALLISON I really, think we need to talk. GEORGE [pause] Uh-oh. [Jerry's "house." JERRY and GEORGE are just coming in.] JERRY She wants to talk. GEORGE She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk. JERRY Nobody needs to talk. GEORGE Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry. JERRY What'd ya do? GEORGE I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back. JERRY [pause] All night?! GEORGE Yeah, I slept at my parents' house. JERRY And she wants to break up with you.. GEORGE Ha! [snort] Can you believe it? [amused] I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro. JERRY Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's." GEORGE So? What'm I gonna do? JERRY You really like this girl. GEORGE No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance! JERRY You've made some Fine Exits. GEORGE [admitting] All right.. JERRY So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her. GEORGE [resolved] Why not. [determined] If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll. KRAMER [suddenly entering] Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison-- GEORGE Yeah, yeah, right here. [hands it to him] KRAMER All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away.. GEORGE [clipping on shades] Ha.. She'll have to find me first. [leaving] KRAMER {All right.} [to JERRY] Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action! JERRY But I don't want any "sweet action." KRAMER Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem. JERRY So you put down my money?! KRAMER [impatient sigh] You don't have a problem. JERRY Not {with} that, no.. [ELAINE's at the office, walking past PEGGY's office. PEGGY's reading a memo and notices her.] PEGGY Susie. Susie! ELAINE [coming in] Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but-- PEGGY Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes? ELAINE Yeah. See that-- PEGGY [preoccupied] You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the gro-ound. ELAINE Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job.. PEGGY I heard she was a disaster, Suze-- ELAINE [testy, leans into Peggy's personal space] Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie! [PEGGY feels quite threatened..] [GEORGE is in his living room, watching TV, eating popcorn. The phone rings and he lets the machine pick it up as he munches and uses the remote. The machine tape is to the tune of the Greatest American Hero theme song ("The Greatest American Hero (Believe it or not)," written by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).] GEORGE [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] (JERRY's on the other end, a little bored. But GEORGE likes the song, bobbed his head with it.) JERRY George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison. GEORGE [answers phone, good mood] Hey. JERRY So, coffee shop? GEORGE No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. [the call waiting beeps] Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. [hangs up] GEORGE [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] (GEORGE was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging during it, and remoting to another station.) ALLISON [on phone machine, peeved] George? Are you there? [muttering] I hate that stupid message. [terse] I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. [hangs up] [GEORGE dials a number.] GEORGE [to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. [hangs up and happily chuckles] Ha ha! [At JERRY's apartment, ELAINE's just arrived.] ELAINE Can you believe this woman? JERRY [ironic outrage] The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face! ELAINE No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze. JERRY No. No Suze. ELAINE [tense] I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?! JERRY Who are you describin'? ELAINE Someone I know! JERRY Named Suze? ELAINE No, still Sharon! KRAMER [comes in, subdued] Hey. [grabs a water from refrigerator] JERRY Hey, I thought you went to the game. KRAMER No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. [leaving] JERRY Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?! KRAMER [stops] W--Reggie Miller. ELAINE Cheryl Miller's brother? KRAMER Yeah. [leaving] JERRY Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened! KRAMER [stops again] Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. [leaving] ELAINE [same time as JERRY] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!-- JERRY Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?! KRAMER [stops again] Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game. ELAINE So that's it? KRAMER Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. [leaves] JERRY Can you believe that? ELAINE I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball. KRAMER [suddenly comes back, excited] The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three! JERRY What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout! KRAMER No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide! JERRY On what?! KRAMER [real addict] Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. [getting out pocket-watch] JERRY Yeah, all right. KRAMER [looking at watch] Ssssh--ah! They just closed! JERRY [not] Oh. Too Bad. (3+1) a: daylight LS looking up at office building; 1: full shot of office; 2: MS on E; 3: MS on J. Peterman; 2; 3; 2. [PETERMAN's office. ELAINE comes to the door.] ELAINE Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me? PETERMAN Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"? ELAINE Su-sie? PETERMAN Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker. ELAINE [nit] It's Susie. PETERMAN Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie right here, in my office. ELAINE [dismayed] Ah, all o'--all of us? [ALLISON's apartment. Someone's knocking on the door and she gets it. It's KRAMER.] KRAMER Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude. ALLISON Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him. KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes. ALLISON Oh yeah? [On the street, JERRY is leisurely unloading his groceries from the back of his car.] JERRY [singing] Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home. MIKE [comes up] Hey. Jerry. JERRY Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks? MIKE [a little anxious] Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you. JERRY Why not? MIKE 'Cause I don't have the money.. JERRY Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"? MIKE Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please! JERRY You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one. MIKE I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that. [MIKE gets some groceries out.] JERRY [trying to shut the trunk hood] Something wrong with this trunk. MIKE Oh. Let me see. [As MIKE puts his hands there, JERRY, unaware, shuts the trunk again! It happens very fast--MIKE's hands are slammed and he screams out in pain!] [The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark romantic place, roses at the tables. GEORGE is sitting at a table with KRAMER.] GEORGE So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? [amused] An' why Pomodoro? [Just now, at one table in the background, a WOMAN is sad and dismayed, says, "How could you say that to me?" She cries..] KRAMER [quiet, delicately] Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you. GEORGE [quiet] Uh-oh. KRAMER We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break. GEORGE Can't we discuss this? KRAMER [reasoning] We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship! GEORGE [dismayed] I didn't even know you wanted to get serious! KRAMER [dismayed] So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. [is tearing up] GEORGE [pause] Are you? KRAMER Wha--me? No! No. But she is. GEORGE I, I can't believe this is happening! KRAMER George, we're sorry. [breathes in, pause] We're through.. GEORGE Krama. Please. KRAMER [leaves, upset] Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry-- [TIME: 11:13] [Commercial Break] [PETERMAN and PEGGY are sitting in his office. There are two empy chairs. The window overlooks central park.] ELAINE [entering, uneasy] Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. [sits] PETERMAN Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short. ELAINE Oh. No, we're not-- PEGGY Susie has been very rude to me. PETERMAN Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie. ELAINE Look. [engaging smile] We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. [breathes in] name names! [indicating empty chair] Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you-- PETERMAN Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. [indicating empty chair] ELAINE Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too. PETERMAN Who. ELAINE [uh-oh] Her? PETERMAN Where is she?! ELAINE Ah--this is part of the problem! PEGGY Iiii thought I was, part of this problem. ELAINE [smiling, convincing] You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine! PETERMAN Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch. ELAINE [feigning hearing something] What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. [rushes out!] PETERMAN She is The Best. What was your name again. [Jerry's. KRAMER and JERRY are talking. JERRY's eating lunch at his table.] KRAMER Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you. JERRY Well why doesn't he just come in? KRAMER Because he's scared, Jerry. JERRY Why is he scared. KRAMER [sighs, opens door] Come on in. Did you do this? [MIKE has two hand casts on] JERRY Yeah, but-- KRAMER Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs. JERRY It was an accident. KRAMER Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up? MIKE [desperate] I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it! JERRY [hands up] I don't want it that way. KRAMER Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt. JERRY [whatever] Fine.. MIKE Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good--real good! [MIKE's very grateful, and leaves with a two thumbs-up gesture. But he also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's the position the casts hold his thumbs in. It's odd!] KRAMER See that was nice, Jerry. [under breath] Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk. JERRY Ah, it's just a car. [GEORGE comes up (the door's still open) and when he and KRAMER see each other, there's an awkward, long pause. During the following, JERRY sits at the table silently watching, intrigued.] GEORGE Hi. KRAMER [looking down, nodding] Hi. [Another pause. It's like they broke up--well they did, but they didn't.] GEORGE It's, funny runnin' into you here. KRAMER Yeah, yeah.. It's funny. You look good.. GEORGE [embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut] Do I? Thanks.. You too.. KRAMER Ooo, yeah.. [indicating his face, embarrassed] {Heh, right.} You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right-- GEORGE [sad] Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime. KRAMER George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. [leaves] GEORGE [pause] What do you think, Jerry. JERRY [wistful] I don't know, I just see you guys together. [Outside it's raining. MIKE is working on Jerry's trunk, trying to get at the locking mechanism but it's hard with those casts on.] MIKE Thumbs! [He gets into the trunk for better access. But it turns out KRAMER is getting into his car, parked just ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps Jerry's car while backing up and the trunk slams shut. It locked this time!] MIKE [from inside the trunk] Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help! [That night, ELAINE and JERRY are in the car, talking. He's driving.] JERRY So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that! ELAINE Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity. JERRY Yeah, I know how you feel. (Meanwhile, MIKE's yelping and banging in the trunk!) ELAINE Do you hear something? JERRY What? (Meanwhile, MIKE, in a now-hoarse voice is shouting, "Jerry?! Jerry?!") JERRY Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling. ELAINE Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now! JERRY Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. ELAINE What? JERRY [firmly matter-of-fact] Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear. ELAINE I kinda like her. JERRY She's Gooone. ELAINE JERRY-- JERRY [impatient] Gone! [starts maniacally laughing] [briefly stops to point and explain] That bumper sticker. [They BOTH scream, laughing! In the trunk, MIKE has heard most of the conversation! The laughing continues!] MIKE [desperately anxious] Oh God, I'm in trouble.. [At night, GEORGE is upset and knocking on Kramer's door.] GEORGE Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there! KRAMER [opens door] Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you.. GEORGE [sad] It's only four.. KRAMER Huh? GEORGE I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you-- KRAMER Oh. Oh, George. GEORGE Please. Give me another chance. KRAMER [regretfully] Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. [sigh] All right. GEORGE [grateful, relieved] Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy! KRAMER All right, all right, I'll see ya later. [shuts door] GEORGE [delighted!] Woooo! [The next day, ELAINE's passing by the door of PETERMAN's office.] PETERMAN Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division. ELAINE [quiet] Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment. PETERMAN Mmmmm--nah. ELAINE All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. [difficult subject, quiet] she took her own Life.. [PETERMAN grasps this, weepy in disappointment, "Oh!". ELAINE comforts him.] [Allison's apartment. KRAMER knocks and ALLISON gets it.] KRAMER [happy, enthused] We're takin' George back-- ALLISON What?! KRAMER He's gonna make us very happy. [ALLISON looks doubtful/disappointed.] [Inside, there are chairs lined up in rows, most are filled. There's a podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.] ELAINE [quiet] Look at this turnout. JERRY [quiet] Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people.. ELAINE [irritated] Your funeral's not gonna come close to this. [They've found seats together in the row in front of PEGGY, who looks like she's seeing a ghost!] PEGGY [to herself] Oh my god! [quiet] Susie? ELAINE [quiet] Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine. PEGGY But I've been calling you Susie. ELAINE Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. [she's going to the podium] PEGGY I guess I never met Susie. JERRY [privately amused] Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. [indicating ELAINE] Her too. [ELAINE's now at the podium.] ELAINE What can you say about a girl like Susie? [she doesn't know..] [Meanwhile, out in the parking lot, PETERMAN arrives in his little red convertible (top down), distracted with disappointment/sadness. He parks behind Jerry's car and bumps it. Jerry's trunk has unlatched but not popped open big. PETERMAN doesn't notice anything and goes in. Shortly after he passes, MIKE comes out of the trunk, squinting in the daylight, his body is sore, he shuts the trunk. Nearby, there's a small announcement sign (with stick-in white letters): TODAY'S SCHEDULE LIEBERMAN BARMITZVAH <-- SUSIE'S MEMORIAL --> (APPROXIMATION) MIKE sees it and is alarmed! He's still disoriented but hobbles away with determination!] [Tavern on the Green, at dusk. The Pinstripe Ball is starting. The walls there are mahogany, and there are short, decorative columns with flowers on top of them. Everyone is in tuxedos and gowns, and the music is mellow and quiet. GEORGE is waiting in a tux for Allison, but KRAMER arrives in his rather tight tux. They talk quietly.] KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Where's uh, where's Allison.. KRAMER Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come. GEORGE But you took me back. KRAMER Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. [heading in] GEORGE Where are you goin'.. KRAMER The Ball, silly. GEORGE [afraid not] No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there. KRAMER George. I thought you were gonna Change. GEORGE [impatient] For her. Not for you. KRAMER [light admonishing, under breath] Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home.. [They start struggling quietly, KRAMER's trying to just walk by, and GEORGE is trying to restrain him without attracting too much attention.] GEORGE All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh! [GEORGE had KRAMER in a slightly spinning hold--by holding the back of KRAMER's tux--but the material tore away, and this sent KRAMER spinning into the room with the back torn off his tux! Strangely, this is well-received by WILHELM!] WILHELM Wow! What an, Entrance! [friendly, to GEORGE] And eh, who might this be? KRAMER Oh, I'm with him. WILHELM Oh. Ah-ha.. [Meanwhile at the Memorial, ELAINE is still at the podium. She has her chin in her hand while talking, weary of making up things and of acting mournful.] ELAINE And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market. PETERMAN Elaine! May I say a few words. ELAINE Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. [steps down] PETERMAN [steps up to the podium, refreshed] Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good. JERRY [proud to PEGGY, under his breath] Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. [winks] [ELAINE (who has returned to her seat) catches JERRY's eye. Though we don't see her face, his drops and he sobers it up.] PETERMAN But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. [sighs] An' nowww.. Susie is gone. MIKE [running in, still hoarse, desperate!] Hold on! Hol--on! Susie didn't commit suicide! [rushes up to podium!] She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld! [While MIKE's pointing at JERRY and everyone's looking, JERRY looks back at PEGGY again.] JERRY [smugly, under-his-breath] Not only that, I broke his thumbs. [PEGGY and ELAINE look at him strangely as he grins during such an inappropriate moment.] [After dark, PETERMAN and ELAINE are sitting and talking in his office.] PETERMAN Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved. ELAINE Mr. Peterman.. [leaning forward, whispering] I'm Susie.. She's me.. PETERMAN [leans forward, whispers carefully] I feel the same way. [announcing] And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you have. [leaving, pats her shoulders confidently] ELAINE [looks up, screaming in frustration!] Suuuuuuuuuuze! [(During her screaming up to the air, the camera was over her, looking down, and turning around and around, just like it had when GEORGE found out that he was going to be running a foundation in honor of Susan!)] THE END |
THE PEN | THE PEN Written by Larry David (Night club) JERRY I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back." (Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents) HELEN (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again. MORTY (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here. HELEN Oh I think that's them! MORTY You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it. (Jerry and Elaine enter) ALL Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. MORTY Welcome to Florida! ELAINE Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug) JERRY Hey, there's the old man! (hug) MORTY So, what took you so long? JERRY We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. HELEN I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up. JERRY What's the difference? HELEN You could have used our car. JERRY I don't wanna use your car. HELEN What's wrong with our car? JERRY Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it? HELEN We don't use it. MORTY What are you talking? We use it. HELEN If you were using it, we wouldn't use it. JERRY So what would you do? You'd hitch? HELEN How much is a rent-a-car? JERRY I don't know. 25 bucks a day. HELEN What? You're crazy. MORTY Plus the insurance. JERRY Oh, I didn't get the insurance. MORTY How could you not get the insurance? HELEN We'll pay for the car. JERRY You're not paying for it. HELEN Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't) JERRY God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? HELEN You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready? JERRY It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech? HELEN Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines. JERRY (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd. ELAINE (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake? JERRY The lake isn't real. HELEN The lake is real. MORTY Are you kidding? They built the lake. HELEN But it's real. It's water. (Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room) HELEN Where are you going with those? JERRY I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here. HELEN Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom. ELAINE I can't take your bedroom. HELEN I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning. ELAINE I can't kick you out of your bed. HELEN We don't even sleep. JERRY Ma. HELEN But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. JERRY (to Morty) What about you? MORTY Why should I be comfortable? JERRY (to Helen) What about him? HELEN Don't worry, he's comfortable. MORTY I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine. HELEN Will you stop? ELAINE Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room) HELEN (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together. JERRY No that's not such a good idea. HELEN Well I tought that... JERRY Not now. She's right inside. HELEN (quieter) What happened? JERRY I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple. HELEN What does that mean? JERRY Well... MORTY (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering? JERRY Shh! Nothing, nothing. HELEN Elaine... MORTY (still loud) What about her? JERRY (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangments, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together. MORTY (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends. HELEN He's an idealist. MORTY What the hell are you looking for? JERRY I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking. HELEN He likes looking. MORTY So look. HELEN But how long can you look? JERRY I'm going for the record. (Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry) HELEN You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. JERRY Oh, come on. HELEN This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association. this is Jack and Doris, neigboors) MORTY Aha! DORIS So they arrived safely. MORTY (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris? JERRY Nice to meet you. This is Elaine. ELAINE Hi. Nice to meet you. JACK So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this? ELAINE And scuba diving. HELEN Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? JERRY We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time. HELEN What do you have to go scuba diving for? JERRY For fun. HELEN For fun? MORTY Jack have some spong cake. JACK No. thanks, no. MORTY Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing. JACK So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skit tommsorow? JERRY I don't think so. JACK No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). MORTY What did you have? You had the minute steak? JACK Yeah. MORTY Did you have a coke or what? JACK I did NOT have a coke. MORTY Somebody had a coke. HELEN Oh I had a coke. DORIS And I had the scampi. JACK So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip. MORTY All right. Make it 20 bucks. JACK It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check) MORTY 19.45$ ? JACK See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president. (Jerry notices Klompus's pen) JERRY What kind of pen is that? JACK This pen? JERRY Yeah. JACK This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space. JERRY Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it? JACK Oh it was a gift. JERRY Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen works. JACK Take the pen. JERRY Oh no. JACK Go ahead. JERRY I couldn't JACK Come on, take the pen! JERRY I can't take it. JACK Do me a personal favor! JERRY No, I'm not... JACK Take the pen! JERRY I cannot take it! JACK Take the pen! JERRY Are you sure? JACK Positive! Take the pen! JERRY O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy! HELEN Jack, what are you doing? JACK Stop it! DORIS Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice to meeting you. ELAINE Mmm, nice to meet you. JERRY Thanks again. JACK Come on! DORIS (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave) HELEN (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for? JERRY What he gave it to me. HELEN You didn't have to take it. MORTY Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything. JERRY He offered it to me. HELEN Because you made such a big fuss about it. JERRY I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it? HELEN You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute) JERRY He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket. HELEN He loves that pen. MORTY Oh come on! HELEN He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. JERRY If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. HELEN He didn't think you'd accpet. JERRY Well, he was wrong. HELEN I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at their argument) JERRY So you want me to return it? HELEN Yes. MORTY He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous. JERRY Hey I don't even want the pen now! MORTY Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho! ELAINE Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside down. (scene ends) (condo's guest room) (Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep) (knock on door) ELAINE Come in. JERRY Are you O.K. in here? ELAINE Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this? JERRY It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really. ELAINE Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. JERRY Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule. ELAINE I am never gonna fall asleep. JERRY Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me. ELAINE How can they not put the air conditioning on? JERRY They're nuts with temperature. ELAINE This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent. JERRY How about that guy writing a check for 19.45? ELAINE I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating. JERRY It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) (scene ends) (condo, morning) (Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.) MORTY Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me? JERRY Stay on Biscayne. HELEN You're going underwater? JERRY Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done. HELEN What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special? JERRY What's so special up here? (Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain) ELAINE Oh! (everybody get up and walk to her) HELEN What's the matter? ELAINE My back. HELEN What happened? ELAINE That... That bed. The bar was right in my back. HELEN (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there. JERRY Then YOU would be hunched over. ELAINE I don't even know if I can go scuba diving. JERRY You can't go? HELEN So stay home. ELAINE You can go. JERRY Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here. HELEN Don't go. JERRY You sure? MORTY Maybe you should see a doctor. JERRY We'll stay in a hotel tonight. ELAINE (whispering to Jerry) Yes! HELEN No, we'll stay in there. JERRY Why don't you get a new sofa? MORTY Nobody uses it. JERRY I'm buying you a new sofa. HELEN Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy. ELAINE Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on. HELEN You're hot? ELAINE I've lost 6 pounds. HELEN I don't even know how to work it. MORTY I keep telling her it's like an oven in here. (Evelyn, a neighboor, enters) EVELYN Is everybody up? JERRY Hi. How are you? EVELYN Hello Jerry. JERRY Evelyn, this is Elaine. ELAINE (with pain) Hi Evelyn. EVELYN Jerry you got thin. JERRY Too thin? HELEN Oh stop worrying so much about how you look. EVELYN So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question) JERRY (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What? EVELYN The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you. HELEN How did you know that? EVELYN Blanche told me. HELEN Blanche? EVELYN That's some good pen. It writes upside down. ELAINE The astronauts use them. HELEN What did Blanche say? EVELYN I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen. JERRY I never really wanted the pen. MORTY He gave him the pen. HELEN Morty. EVELYN Why you don't like the pen? JERRY No, no, I... EVELYN Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him. HELEN Is that what she said? EVELYN Who? HELEN Blanche. EVELYN What are you talking about? (The phone rings, Helen answers.) HELEN Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.) ELAINE Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER! MORTY (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it. (the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.) JERRY All I said was "I like the pen". (Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner) MORTY How the hell do you work this thing? (scene ends) (still the condo, later) (Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing) HELEN Maybe you shouldn't go tonight. ELAINE No no, I wanna go. HELEN But your back hurts. MORTY Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help. ELAINE Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. HELEN No. I'm fine. ELAINE You're not too cold? HELEN No. (Jerry enters with a black eye) JERRY Don't be alarmed. MORTY Oh my God! What the hell happened to you? JERRY I'm O.K. My capillaries burst. HELEN Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like? JERRY (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing? ELAINE Having a good time! JERRY Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? HELEN What happened to your eyes? JERRY Well I started to go under... HELEN With the instructor? JERRY Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. HELEN I told you... (Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar) JACK Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga? ELAINE My back hurts. JACK Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready. MORTY We got plenty of time. JACK (to Jerry) What happened to you? JERRY I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool. HELEN It's from scuba diving. JACK What's there to see underwater? give him back the pen) JERRY Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. JACK You what? JERRY I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he tends the pen to Jack) JACK Well I mean... JERRY Take it. JACK All right! (he smiles and take it) (Morty gets up and walks right to Jack) MORTY You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. JACK Whose pen? MORTY His pen. JACK This happens to be my pen. MORTY You didn't give it to him. JACK What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it. MORTY Where do you come off with this crap? JACK Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? MORTY You said you didn't want it! JACK Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake! MORTY Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? (Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing) JACK Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape! MORTY Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it! JACK Don't worry about it! I'll give it back! MORTY I don't want it! JACK I don't want it! MORTY You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here! JACK Listen do you think I give a damn? MORTY Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it for them. JERRY What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes? HELEN I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands) JERRY Isn't he supposed to be the emcee? MORTY yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. JERRY Well. This should be a very interesting evening. ELAINE (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers? (scene ends) (reception room, evening) (Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle relaxers.) PHOTOGRAPHER Say astronaut. (Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of the camera.) ELAINE Say what? (laughing) Say what? JERRY (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills. MORTY Astronaut? HELEN Say it. ELAINE (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut! (the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.) MORTY Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you? JERRY Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella) JERRY (to Leo) Uncle Leo. LEO Hello! STELLA Morty are you nervous? MORTY What nervous? LEO (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson? JERRY I've got a black eye. STELLA (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello. JERRY Elaine, this is my aunt Stella. HELEN (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA! JERRY (to Stella) Her back hurts. STELLA Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week. LEO I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. JERRY No, no. LEO You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already. ELAINE (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA! LEO Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. MORTY What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department! LEO You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down. (Jack and Morty exchange a look.) STELLA (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this. HELEN (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison. "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.) JACK (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan. MORTY (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him) JACK Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy) HELEN (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking. JACK His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents. MORTY (to Jack, loud) That's what you say. JACK But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing) MORTY (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up) JERRY Dad! MORTY (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that! JACK He gave it to me! MORTY Come on. That's enough, sit down! JACK I'm not sitting down! (they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight) JACK Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.) HELEN Jerry, do your act. JERRY (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening. HELEN They're all gonna leave. JERRY (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry) MAN IN THE CROWD Who are you? JERRY (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes? WOMAN IN THE CROWD (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class. (Elaine is almost asleep at the table) JERRY Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? MAN IN THE CROWD I'd rather have a bottle of scotch! HELEN (to Jerry) Do the dog routine. JERRY All I said was I liked the pen! ELAINE (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA! (Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears) (scene ends) (condo, morning) (Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still asleep in the guest room) CHIROPRACTOR You could aggravated. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. ELAINE Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? JERRY There must be some mistake. CHIROPRACTOR I'm afraid not. ELAINE (discouraged) Five days. Here. HELEN (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days! JERRY (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be... ELAINE Excuse me? JERRY Nothing. (Evelyn enters) EVELYN Good morning. JERRY Hi Evelyn. EVELYN (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet? HELEN I don't think so. EVELYN Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case. HELEN I'll ask him when he gets up. EVELYN Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to. (Morty gets up in a bad shape) MORTY Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? HELEN I was very comfortable. EVELYN Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out. HELEN It's in the constitution. MORTY (to the chiro) Who are you? CHIROPRACTOR I'm a chiropractor. MORTY What are you kidding me? ELAINE (to Jerry) Five more days? JERRY Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) (scene ends) (night club, closing monologue) THE END |
MALE UNBONDING | "MALE UNBONDING Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY Most men like working on t(...TRUNCATED) |
THE CADILLAC PART 2 | "THE CADILLAC PART 2 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry is t(...TRUNCATED) |
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