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THE KISS HELLO | THE KISS HELLO Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!" (Jerry's Apartment) George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands. GEORGE Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco? JERRY I would think. GEORGE So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco? JERRY (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date. GEORGE Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here. JERRY Yeah? Would you do it? GEORGE Yes, I think I would. JERRY Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people. The phone rings. Jerry answers. JERRY Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye. He hangs up the phone. JERRY I have to go over to my grandmother's. GEORGE What for? JERRY I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her. GEORGE So, what, no lunch? JERRY No, we have time. GEORGE Oh. How's she doing? George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way to the door. JERRY Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present. GEORGE Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube. JERRY Like toothpaste? GEORGE Ya-hah. Jerry and George leave. (Street) Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation. JERRY There's a squeeze ketchup. GEORGE I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup. JERRY Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup? GEORGE Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze. JERRY I really don't see the difference. GEORGE Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle. JERRY It's subtle. GEORGE Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us? JERRY (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh. GEORGE What? They stop walking. JERRY Ah, she's with her friend Wendy. GEORGE Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist? JERRY Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it. Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine Waves back. ELAINE (from a distance) Hey. GEORGE You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia. JERRY Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that. GEORGE (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything. JERRY No, I told you I admire your hearing. George waves away the compliment. JERRY No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing. Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive, but has a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo. ELAINE (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy. Wendy and George shake hands. GEORGE You're uh, physical therapist, right? WENDY Yes. GEORGE You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it? Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't happy that George is bothering Wendy. ELAINE (warning) George. WENDY Have you tried heat and ice on it? GEORGE (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble. WENDY Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little. GEORGE (happy) Oh! Okay. WENDY Let me give you my card. Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George. GEORGE Oh, thank you. WENDY Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine. ELAINE Bye Wendy. I'm sorry. WENDY Bye Jerry. Wendy walks away down the street. JERRY Bye. ELAINE (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for? GEORGE What? ELAINE (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm. (Monk's) George, Jerry and Elaine enter. GEORGE I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm. ELAINE She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office. GEORGE Why not? The trio sit down in a booth. ELAINE Because, it is what she does. GEORGE I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed! ELAINE George, you got a little something, right here. Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils. GEORGE (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important... JERRY (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her. ELAINE Why? JERRY Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. GEORGE (regarding the menu) What're you getting? JERRY (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way? ELAINE Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering. JERRY She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You Should say something to her. ELAINE Oh, I could never say anything to her about that. JERRY Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that. ELAINE Yeah. Hah. GEORGE Well, just tell Kramer to tell her. ELAINE No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it. JERRY What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it. ELAINE (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet... Kramer enters. ELAINE (to Kramer) ...Kramer. Kramer strolls over to the table. KRAMER Hello, boys and girls. JERRY Speak of the devil. Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer speaks to Jerry. KRAMER Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building. JERRY Why? KRAMER So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier. JERRY (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby. KRAMER Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in. JERRY (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way. KRAMER (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup? ELAINE (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine. (Nana's Apartment) Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room. LEO Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic Squeeze containers? There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry. LEO (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello! JERRY Hello, uncle Leo! LEO What're you doing here? JERRY Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle. LEO Yeah, me too. Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup. NANA Hello Jerry. JERRY Hi Nana. There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something. LEO Aren't you gonna kiss her hello? JERRY Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course. NANA Ha, well, here's the bottle. Nana holds out the ketchup. LEO (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it. JERRY (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it. Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup. LEO Give it to me. JERRY Will you stop it. LEO Jerry, will you give me the bottle? JERRY Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it! NANA You should let Buddy open it. LEO Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago. Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana. NANA Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars? LEO What fifty dollars? NANA Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister. Nana walks away out of the room again. LEO Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two. Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion. LEO (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars. Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of mistrust. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the building super. JERRY I'm just not getting any hot water. JULIO Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry. JERRY Thanks, Julio. JULIO Awright. Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door opens and Jerry and Elaine enter. JERRY Huh? KRAMER (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello! JERRY What's going on here? KRAMER (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing. JERRY (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing? KRAMER Oh, I, I need a pen. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you. JERRY (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you? KRAMER You got that straight. JERRY I told you, forget it. KRAMER Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name! JERRY You're robbing me. KRAMER Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program. Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him. ELAINE Wha... W.. Are you going home? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Uh, could you come back in about five minutes? KRAMER Why? ELAINE No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again. Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place, Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment. JERRY (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming? ELAINE Yeah, she'll be here any second. JERRY Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this? ELAINE Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair. The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat. JERRY Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye. (The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket calculator out, doing some work. MORTY Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to Over fifty-three years? HELEN Oh, Morty, please. MORTY Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill... HELEN Morty, will you stop it! MORTY (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers. JERRY Yeah? WENDY Wendy. JERRY Come on up. Elaine enters from the bathroom. ELAINE Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer? JERRY No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello. ELAINE What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face? JERRY It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better. ELAINE How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be? JERRY Elaine, now you're being ridiculous. There's a knock at the door. ELAINE (indicating) That's her. That's her. Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare. He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside. Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters. ELAINE/WENDY Hi/Hey. Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the appliance. JERRY (muffled) Hi Wendy. WENDY Oh, hi Jerry. Wendy wanders over to the fridge. JERRY (muffled) Would you like something to drink? WENDY Sure. Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand. JERRY (muffled) There you go. WENDY (taking the bottle) Ah. Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the couch. JERRY Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars. Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear. Finding that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge. JERRY So, how's everything going? WENDY Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me. JERRY Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist. There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening. ELAINE Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer. Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera. KRAMER Hey! Jerry! Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot. JERRY C'mon, that's not fair! KRAMER I told you I was gonna get it. JERRY No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture. KRAMER (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no. JERRY (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care? ELAINE Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy. KRAMER Oh, hello. WENDY (holds out her hand) Hi. KRAMER (shaking hands) Yeah. Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away, Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair. KRAMER (points) You know, I really like that hairdo. Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer. WENDY (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change. ELAINE (hopeful) Oh, you were? WENDY Well, I... KRAMER (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that. ELAINE Kramer, if she wants to change her hair... KRAMER No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming. WENDY Oh, well. Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair. WENDY (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho. Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up, to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling Kramer with the flash. (Wendy's Car) Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat. WENDY So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in. ELAINE Oh, Kramer. WENDY Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend? ELAINE You wanna go out with him? WENDY Well, why not? ELAINE Well, it's just that... uh, I don't... WENDY What, is there anything wrong with him? Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes. WENDY Elaine? ELAINE I'm just thinking about the question. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Center) George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable. GEORGE You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque) RECEPTIONIST (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow. GEORGE (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go. George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch. RECEPTIONIST Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty. GEORGE What for? RECEPTIONIST Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations". GEORGE (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist. Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears. WENDY What's the problem? GEORGE (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist. WENDY Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy. Wendy walks out, into another room. GEORGE (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door. RECEPTIONIST So. Will you be here tomorrow? GEORGE Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to! George leaves, slamming the door behind him. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker. Kramer is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier. Jerry and Elaine enter from the street. KRAMER Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it? Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially by his own picture. JERRY Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible... The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. It's not flattering in the slightest. JERRY ...You can't put that picture up. KRAMER Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another. The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer. STEVE Hey Cosmo. KRAMER Hey... Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and then points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks. KRAMER ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see? ELAINE Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you. KRAMER (interested) Well, how do you do? A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants. MARY Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry. JERRY Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary. MARY You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other. KRAMER (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice? JERRY (not really) Yeah. MARY Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package? JERRY Oh, sure, yeah. MARY Thank you. Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture. JERRY Oh, no! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling. JERRY You see? That's just what I need. More kissing! ELAINE (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee... JERRY What is so funny? ELAINE Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud) The phone rings and Jerry picks up. JERRY Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye. Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine. JERRY (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home! ELAINE Why? JERRY (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar. JOAN Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah. JERRY (not as eager) Hi Joan. JOAN How you doing? Jerry backs away toward the elevator. JERRY Pretty good. JOAN Just pretty good? Not great? JERRY Okay, great. JOAN Are you happy? JERRY Oh, I'm delighted. JOAN Okay. Have a nice day. JERRY You too. The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry. LOUISE Hi Jerry. Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry. JERRY Hi, Louise. Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Ah, well. Thank you very much! KRAMER For what? JERRY (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building! KRAMER You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family. JERRY Family? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are. As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips. Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently in the doorway, he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his lips, George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) George enters, and the receptionist spots him. RECEPTIONIST Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment. GEORGE What d'you mean? RECEPTIONIST She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left A message on your machine. You didn't get it? GEORGE When did you leave the message? RECEPTIONIST Few hours ago. GEORGE (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars. RECEPTIONIST Look, Mister Costanza... GEORGE Will that be cash, or cheque? George gives an exaggerated wink. (Wendy's Car) Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of her head, and there are ski poles on the back seat. WENDY I am really glad I took the day off. ELAINE Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing. WENDY Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset. ELAINE Ugh, the hell with 'em. Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over to the side of the road. ELAINE What're you stopping here for? WENDY I'm dropping you off. ELAINE (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks. WENDY Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way... ELAINE Yeah, but it's only three blocks. WENDY Right. It's only three blocks. ELAINE (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well... (Street) Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk of skis, poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick them up, simply kicks them along in front of her. (Street) Jerry and Elaine walk together. ELAINE She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange? JERRY Yes, it's very strange. Very strange. ELAINE I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you." JERRY I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car With someone with a hairdo like that. ELAINE I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder. JERRY You should have her work on it for you. ELAINE Yeah, alright, I gotta go. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello. MAR Hi Jerry. JERRY Hi Mary. Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against The mailboxes. JERRY Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.... Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst. JERRY ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry. The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello. LOU Hi Jerry. JERRY Hi Louise... Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss. JERRY ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry. Jerry backs into the elevator. JERRY (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation. (Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) Jerry answers the phone. JERRY Hello. HELEN Jerry? JERRY Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you? In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out figures with a pad and a calculator. HELEN Well, he said no. He said we had no proof. MORTY No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up. HELEN Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home. JERRY Okay, I will. MORTY D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund For fifty-three years... (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments. KRAMER What's up? JERRY (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home. KRAMER Oh. They walk together down the hall. (Lobby, Jerry's Building) The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye. JERRY Hey, Kramer, look at this. Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following. JERRY Look at my picture! The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. 'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns and a wormlike tongue added and teeth blacked out. JERRY I've been defaced! KRAMER Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints. Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion. JACK Hey. Hi Cosmo. KRAMER Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing? JERRY Hi Jack. Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask him something. JERRY Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think? JULIO Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh? JERRY (defensive) No no, that's not true! JULIO (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other. Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look. (Knollridge Nursing Home) Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch. NURSE Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards. JERRY You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars. NURSE Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her. JERRY Buddy? NURSE Yes, that's his name. He's right over there. The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside. (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) George is talking with Wendy at the counter. WENDY (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day. GEORGE (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius! Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door. WENDY A delicate genius? George spots Elaine. GEORGE Elaine? ELAINE (surprised) George! George stalks past Elaine and exits. GEORGE (leaving) Hah. Good luck. WENDY What's going on? ELAINE (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment? WENDY Oh sure. You have insurance, right? ELAINE (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me? Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door GEORGE Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain? WENDY How did you hear that? GEORGE I hear everything. WENDY I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm? ELAINE Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George. GEORGE Yeah. Let's go. Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine turns to deliver her parting shot. ELAINE (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair. WENDY Why, what's wrong with my hair? ELAINE Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her. RECEPTIONIST She's right. (Nursing Home) Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing. JERRY So you were with him that day at the track? BUDDY Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too. JERRY Leo? BUDDY Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh? JERRY Is that so? BUDDY And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took! JERRY Well, that's very interesting. Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry spots his arrival. JERRY (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track. Leo's caught out, and looks worried. LEO (defensive) One second... JERRY (with a triumphant point) You're busted! (Lobby, Jerry's Building) Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his mail. Jerry decides to be friendly. JERRY Hey, Steve. How you doing? Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry tries the friendly approach again. JERRY Hey, Jeff. What's happening? Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her. JERRY Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss. Mary moves to avoid Jerry. JERRY Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake! MARY (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody! Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she greets Jeff and Steve. JEFF Hi Mary. MARY Hi Jeff. How are you? Mary and Jeff kiss hello. MARY Hi Pete. How you doing? Mary and Pete kiss hello. PETE Hey, let's go get some coffee. JEFF Great idea. MARY Oh, that'd be great. The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight. Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour of the occupant as he crosses the lobby. JERRY Oh, Paul, could you hold that door... But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face. (Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment) Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens the door. KRAMER Hi. JERRY Hey. Could I use your shower? KRAMER What, again? You took one this morning. JERRY (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please. KRAMER I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem. KRAMER (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here? KRAMER No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done. A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the apartment. GUY I'll go get some more beer. KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips. An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets Her approach. KRAMER Hey. STEFANIE Hi Cosmo. KRAMER Hi. STEFANIE (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah. KRAMER Ooh, I like that. JERRY (impressed) Who's that? KRAMER Stefanie. 2-G. JERRY Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here. Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment. KRAMER Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know. JERRY (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand. Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the narrowing gap until it shuts. THE END |
THE BOOKSTORE | THE BOOKSTORE Written by Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe (Bookstore) (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore) GEORGE I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York. JERRY First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody. (Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book) KRAMER Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China.. JERRY (Sarcastic) You better hurry. GEORGE I'm gonna hit the head. KRAMER Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles. (George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in) KRAMER Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call. JERRY She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year? KRAMER (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing. JERRY (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo. KRAMER Oh? Who's Leo? JERRY Uncle Leo. KRAMER Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name.. (Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat) JERRY Did I just see that?! KRAMER (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh? (Scene ends) The Annual Peterman Party) (Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes up to her) WALTER (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year? ELAINE Maybe.. All over your face! (A waiter serving food approaches Elaine) WAITER If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year. (Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman giving a toast) PETERMAN My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed) (Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down at Elaine's table) ZACH Hi, I'm Zach. ELAINE Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him) MANAGER Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing? GEORGE (Acting innocent) I'm all set. MANAGER (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom? GEORGE (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear? (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop) GEORGE They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there. GEORGE They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment! JERRY (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'? GEORGE I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc- JERRY (Cutting him off) Thank you very much. GEORGE Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie? JERRY I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore. GEORGE (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man! (Elaine enters and sits down) JERRY Sleeping in the caragain? ELAINE Cocktail flu. JERRY (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party.. GEORGE You, uh, didn't dance again, did you? ELAINE (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many.. GEORGE You went home with him? ELAINE Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down! JERRY (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything? ELAINE (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position? JERRY (Confused) What's your position? ELAINE I am an associate. GEORGE Hey, me too. (A waitress, passing their table, speaks up) WAITRESS Yeah, me too. ELAINE Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank. GEORGE Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating. ELAINE (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers. JERRY (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling. ELAINE (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo. (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) (Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a conference at his table) JERRY (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches? KRAMER (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten. NEWMAN (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way. KRAMER Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen! JERRY (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not. KRAMER Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.. JERRY (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't. NEWMAN He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss! JERRY Yes, it can. KRAMER We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet! NEWMAN It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine. JERRY So, who's gonna pull this thing? (Kramer and Newman both look at eachother) KRAMER (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would. NEWMAN Yeah, but I though- KRAMER (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no. JERRY (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment? KRAMER (Brainstorming) What about the homeless? NEWMAN Can't we worry about them later? KRAMER (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw. NEWMAN (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street.. KRAMER They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?! JERRY (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day. (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth) LEO Jerry, hello! (Sits down) JERRY So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay? LEO I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone. JERRY (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little? LEO What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not. JERRY (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday. LEO Why didn't ya say hello? JERRY Because you were too busy stealing a book. LEO (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello. JERRY (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal. LEO Oh, they don't care. We all do it. JERRY Who, criminals? LEO Senior citizens. No big deal. JERRY You could get arrested. LEO Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home? JERRY (Pleading) Leo.. LEO Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point. JERRY (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you. LEO (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?! (Scene ends) Peterman office building hallway) ELAINE (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank? WALTER Well.. ELAINE "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell. (Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making out with another co-worker) ELAINE (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh.. WALTER (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach? ELAINE Yeah. WALTER Aren't you upset? ELAINE (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh! (Scene ends) NYC street) (Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by are three homeless guys in a line) KRAMER Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit. (One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle) HOMELESS MAN The government! KRAMER (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body. (Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt.. NEWMAN Alright, who's first? (The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him on the shoulder - dust flies into the air) KRMAER Hey. NEWMAN Name, please. HOMELESS MAN Rusty. NEWMAN (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty. KRAMER (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence. NEWMAN (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go! (Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw) KRAMER (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form. NEWMAN (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money. (They both notice that Rusty is not stopping) KRAMER Hey, what's he doin'? NEWMAN I think he stealing our rickshaw! KRAMER Well, then, he's out! (Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing in line - alone) HOMELESS MAN 2 (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!" (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return the book) GEORGE Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book. CASHIER (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back. GEORGE Why not? CASHIER It's been flagged. GEORGE (Confused) Flagged? CASHIER It's been in the bathroom. GEORGE It says that on the computer? CASHIER Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books. GEORGE (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read! (George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book) JERRY (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting.. GUARD Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle? JERRY (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight.. GAURD (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond. JERRY '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right? GUARD Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm! (Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards) LEO What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused! GUARD You're under arrest. JERRY (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him. LEO Jerry, you ratted me out?! JERRY (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello? LEO Hello. (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) (Jerry is on the phone with his parents) JERRY Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight. HELEN Jerry, he won't last a day in prison. JERRY (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine. MORTY She's got priors. JERRY (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo? HELEN It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone. MORTY Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need. JERRY (Confused) What does that mean? HELEN Nobody pays for everyting. JERRY (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?! MORTY Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick. JERRY Mom, you too? HELEN Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them. (Kramer and Newman both enter) JERRY Alright, I'll talk to you later. KRAMER (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted. JERRY (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months. KRAMER (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans. NEWMAN We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords. (Newman and Kramer both go to leave) JERRY To the Idiotmobile! (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) (Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth) JERRY So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you? ELAINE That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office- JERRY (Butting in) Tina Turner? ELAINE (Accepting) Alright. (George enters with his large art book) GEORGE Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town! JERRY Is it so horrible to have to keep a book? GEORGE I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants. JERRY (Stern on George) Not underpants. ELAINE Hey, that's your Uncle Leo. (Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check) JERRY (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello! LEO (Bitter) Jerry. JERRY (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past. LEO (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget! JERRY (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?! (Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through it) ELAINE French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book? GEORGE Nothing. ELAINE How much do you want for it? GEORGE You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five. (Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at the booth) JERRY Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table? GEORGE (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down. JERRY (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book. ELAINE (Confused) What is wrong with this book? GEORGE Simmer! JERRY That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and- ELAINE (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands) GEORGE (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom? JERRY I don't read in the bathroom. GEORGE Well, aren't you something? (Scene ends) Elaine's office) (Peterman walks in) PETERMAN Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover. ELAINE (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room. PETERMAN Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton? ELAINE (Confused) Love newton? PETERMAN I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap. ELAINE An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better! PETERMAN And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel. ELAINE Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me! PETERMAN Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side. ELAINE Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh- PETERMAN (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho. (Scene ends) Jerry's bedroom) (Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep) HELEN It was a crime of passion. LEO If anyone betrays me, I never forget. HELEN He won't last a day in prison. (Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear") LEO (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone! (Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it) JERRY Hello? ELAINE Hey, it's me. JERRY Uncle Leo? ELAINE (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to? JERRY Nightmares. You? ELAINE My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals. ZACH (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine! ELAINE Eat your soup! JERRY You're not feeding him, are you? ELAINE Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go. (Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in) KRAMER Hey, buddy. JERRY (Scared) Ah! Kramer! KRAMER I thought I heard you. JERRY Get out of here! NEWMAN (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are. JERRY Will everybody please leave?! NEWMAN I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park. KRAMER Our rickshaw? NEWMAN It's entirely possible. JERRY I want everyone out! KRAMER (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa. NEWMAN (To Jerry) Good night. JERRY (Bitter) Good night, Newman. (Scene ends) Park) (Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park) NEWMAN There it is! KRAMER Rusty! RUSTY Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job? KRAMER (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home. NEWMAN Uh.. KRAMER What? NEWMAN You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance. KRAMER Yes, that's true. NEWMAN So, which one of us is gonna pull? KRAMER Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe.. NEWMAN (Realizing he won) Yeah. KRAMER Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot.. (Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling) NEMWAN Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling! (Scene ends) A homeless charity center) (Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her muffin stumps in episode "The Muffin Tops") REBECCA (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity? GEORGE Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off. REBECCA What's the value of the book? GEORGE Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney. REBECCA (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay. GEORGE Oh. REBECCA (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom. GEORGE (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous. REBECCA It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw! GEORGE (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal? REBECCA Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain! GEORGE I could take it in merchandise.. REBECCA (Threatening to hit him) Here I come.. (George grabs his book and runs for his life) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking with the cashier while checking out a book) ELAINE So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere? CASHIER Yeah. ELAINE Great. JERRY (To Elaine) So, the worst is over? ELAINE Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero. JERRY Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones. ELAIEN Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho. (She's through buying the book, and is ready to go) ELAINE (Leaving Jerry) See ya. JERRY (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please. (Scene ends) NYC Street) (Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer) NEWMAN Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop! KRAMER (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest) NEWMAN Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is. KRAMER (Stretching) Oh.. (The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill) NEWMAN (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer! (The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes an attempt to chase it) KRAMER Woah! Wait! NEWMAN Ahhh! Yaaaahhh! (Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street) ZACH (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life! (Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill) NEWMAN Waaaaahhhh! (Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, then running away from the crushed rickshaw) (Scene ends) Bookstore) (Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George enter) JERRY George? What are you doin' here? GEORGE I can't sell the book. It's been marked. JERRY (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has. GEORGE So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even. JERRY (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even? GEORGE I'm goin' in! (George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks up to Jerry) MANAGER Did you want to speak with the manager? JERRY Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day.. MANAGER Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters. JERRY (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal. MANAGER That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone. JERRY So it could be anyone? MANAGER I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act. (Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent) JERRY That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm! (George is instantly surrounded by guards) GEORGE No! Jerry! THE END |
THE WATCH | THE WATCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? (Restaurant) Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner. MORTY (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day. JERRY Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle. Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. Helen watches her. HELEN (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive. JERRY She's okay. HELEN Just okay? JERRY She's nice. HELEN She's better than nice. JERRY She's all right. HELEN She's beautiful. JERRY She's not beautiful. HELEN I think she's beautiful. JERRY So you ask her out. HELEN I'm not gonna ask her out. JERRY Why not? HELEN If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you. JERRY She's pretty. She's not beautiful. HELEN I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. JERRY I think that's a little extreme. LEO (grudgingly) She's awright. MORTY (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this. (George's Car) GEORGE He said what? SUSAN "The hell with them." GEORGE "The hell with them?" SUSAN Those were his exact words. GEORGE (worried) Oh boy. SUSAN He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?" GEORGE (still worried) He was pretty emphatic? SUSAN Pounded on his desk. GEORGE Pounded? SUSAN (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. GEORGE (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end. SUSAN You said it was insulting. GEORGE I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. SUSAN Well, there's nothing I can do. GEORGE Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it? SUSAN Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. GEORGE Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? SUSAN You'll have to wait til Monday. GEORGE Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live? SUSAN (laugh) I can't give you his address. George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues. SUSAN Give it back! GEORGE Gimme the purse! (Kramer's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch. ELAINE Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. ELAINE Okay. KRAMER Have we been intimate? ELAINE Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate. KRAMER Alright, how often do we do it? ELAINE Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that? KRAMER Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that. ELAINE Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay? KRAMER (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) ELAINE Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say? KRAMER I know what I'm gonna say. ELAINE No, no, but I would like to hear it. KRAMER No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself. ELAINE (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him. KRAMER (playing with his hair) Talk to him. ELAINE Hey, how's your hair? KRAMER Oh, well, yeah, it's good. ELAINE (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer. KRAMER (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call. ELAINE (mouths silently) Okay. Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music. KRAMER (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he doing?' look. KRAMER ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... ELAINE (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. KRAMER ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends... Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going. KRAMER ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... Elaine smiles. KRAMER ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered. Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures. ELAINE (mouths silently) That's perfect! KRAMER If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's doing so well. KRAMER Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens) Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff. KRAMER ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick. KRAMER (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh... Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee. Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried. KRAMER ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long. Kramer hangs up the phone. ELAINE What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here? KRAMER Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together. ELAINE (horrified) Get together!! KRAMER He wants to talk. ELAINE Well, why didn't you say no!! KRAMER (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting. Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer. ELAINE (frustration) Ugh! (Restaurant) Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table. NAOMI Did you enjoy your poisson? HELEN It was... different. NAOMI (to Jerry) And how was yours? JERRY Ah, very good. NAOMI You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy. JERRY No thanks, just the check. Naomi leaves. HELEN What's the matter with you? JERRY What? HELEN Why didn't you flirt with her? JERRY Come on. HELEN She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something? JERRY What am I gonna say? HELEN You just sat there. JERRY Well, you made me uncomfortable. HELEN You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? LEO (to Morty) Where's the bathroom? JERRY In the back, on your right. Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war develops. JERRY Dad! MORTY Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. HELEN Jerry. JERRY Will you let me pay just once. MORTY You're out of your mind. JERRY How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet! MORTY Don't worry about it. JERRY What're you gonna do? MORTY What's the difference, we'll figure something out. HELEN (to Jerry) You're not paying. Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check. JERRY Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it too. MORTY How the hell am I gonna pay for this? (Restaurant Bathroom) Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the mirror. LEO They give you some portion here, huh? JERRY Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting. LEO (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy. JERRY So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh? LEO Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you. JERRY Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. LEO Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these. Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace with him. JERRY Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one. LEO (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm. JERRY (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you. (Apartment Building Lobby) A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George stands beside him. DOORMAN (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. GEORGE Costanza. Costanza. DOORMAN (into phone) George Costanza. GEORGE The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. DOORMAN (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday. A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls it down so's he can speak into it. GEORGE (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you! DOORMAN Excuse me. GEORGE It's about the show. It... No, it was... DOORMAN Excuse me. GEORGE ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple. George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does. DOORMAN (into phone) Very good, sir. A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward Russell Dalrimple's apartment. (Restaurant) Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks with an approximate French accent. MORTY You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. MAITRE D' Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back? MORTY No, no, he won't let me do that. MAITRE D' Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly? MORTY He could wash them. MAITRE D' Monsieur, we are running a reputable business. MORTY Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years! MAITRE D' Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? MORTY You don't understand my... MAITRE D' Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah. (Street Corner) Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building. ELAINE Now look, don't take too long. KRAMER (looking around) Look at this building. What is this? ELAINE I don't know. It's a building. KRAMER (indicating) The door's on a diagonal. ELAINE So what? KRAMER (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect. ELAINE (frustrated) Just go. Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, then wonders why she's doing that and gives up. (Russell Dalrimple's Apartment) Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She looks haughty and bored throughout the scene. GEORGE (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything. RUSSELL We were about to sit down to dinner. George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave. RUSSELL (indicating) This is Cynthia. GEORGE (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal? RUSSELL No. GEORGE Looks like veal. RUSSELL It's not veal. GEORGE Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh) RUSSELL Who gave you my address? GEORGE No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. Russell closes the door. GEORGE He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted. Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area. GEORGE Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. RUSSELL So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table. As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it. GEORGE Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. CYNTHIA (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide. GEORGE Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... RUSSELL Blossom's on Monday. GEORGE Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter) RUSSELL Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team. GEORGE (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? George is opening the door. RUSSELL Alright, now look. These deals are already made. George closes the door and turns back to Russell. GEORGE Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... George opens the door, and is halfway through. RUSSELL Mister Costanza. George re-enters again. GEORGE Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway... George is halfway through the door again. CYNTHIA (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? RUSSELL (to George) Alright. Eight thousand. GEORGE (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal George. GEORGE May I just use your bathroom for a moment? (Restaurant Bathroom) Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch. JERRY Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here! LEO Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it. JERRY Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred! LEO (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. JERRY Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it! LEO You have it on you? JERRY Yeah, I think I do. Jerry fetches out his wallet. JERRY (under his breath) This is unbelievable. Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the bathroom opens and Morty enters. MORTY What the hell is going on here? (Dr Reston's Office) On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces himself to Dr Reston. KRAMER Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you. RESTON (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in. KRAMER Thank you. RESTON Please, sit down. Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each other, he crosses his legs. KRAMER (quiet) Okay. Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed legs sitting position. RESTON Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? KRAMER Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino? RESTON I don't think we have that. KRAMER Well, that's a little strange. RESTON Uh, why does that surprise you? KRAMER Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink RESTON This is an office. KRAMER That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh... RESTON (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer... KRAMER ...Okay, yes, shoot. RESTON Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine. KRAMER Oh, alrighty uh... He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from the leather. KRAMER Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation. RESTON Is it? KRAMER Oh, you better believe it. (Street Corner) Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe Davola, singing as he goes. DAVOLA (singing) '...Travelling along...' Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in. ELAINE/DAVOLA '...singing a song, side by side...' Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees, and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt. ELAINE Wow. You really have a terrible voice. DAVOLA Do I know you? ELAINE Uhh, I don't think so. DAVOLA 'Cos you really look familiar. ELAINE Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount Rushmore. DAVOLA Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. ELAINE Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt. DAVOLA Oh really. ELAINE Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. They laugh and smile at each other. (Dr. Reston's Office) Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing. KRAMER You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right. RESTON I'm glad we agree. KRAMER (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans. RESTON I'd love one. Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket. KRAMER Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple. Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe. RESTON If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... KRAMER (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. RESTON ...About anything. You have my number. KRAMER (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you. Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars. KRAMER Mmm, these are good, huh? Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box. KRAMER (quiet) Oh. Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits. (Street Corner) Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a piece of paper. ELAINE I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you? DAVOLA No, I don't think so. Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut. (Restaurant) Naomi is handing her card to Jerry. JERRY I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. NAOMI (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here. JERRY Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate. NAOMI (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo. JERRY Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin? NAOMI Why? JERRY They eat fish. Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent. Jerry leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief on his face. (Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office) A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens and Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks away, relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling happily. (Street Corner) Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine. KRAMER Hey. ELAINE What happened? What took you so long? KRAMER Hey, he's a terrific guy. ELAINE Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? KRAMER Well, we talked about a lot of things. The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office. ELAINE You talked about a lot of things? Well... KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Did you talk about us? Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window fade up. DAVOLA I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. RESTON Did you say Elaine? (Nightclub) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!" (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing packing. MORTY You shoulda told me it didn't work. JERRY I know, I know. HELEN You didn't have to throw it out. JERRY I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am. The buzzer sounds. HELEN Oh, that must be Leo. JERRY I woulda taken you to the airport. HELEN He has nothing to do. JERRY Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? GEORGE It's George. JERRY Come on up. (to parents) It's George. MORTY Oh, it's George. HELEN What ever happened with NBC and the deal? JERRY Ah, George turned it down. HELEN He turned it down? JERRY Yeah. HELEN Why did he do that? JERRY Because of Ted Danson. HELEN What does Ted Danson have to do with it? MORTY Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson. JERRY (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money. George enters. GEORGE (to Jerry) Hey. MORTY Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? GEORGE Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you? He approaches Helen for a greeting. HELEN What's the matter with you? GEORGE What'd I do? JERRY What about NBC? Did you hear anything? GEORGE Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait. GEORGE We got a deal. There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at George. MORTY/HELEN/JERRY (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! JERRY Heyy! Terrific. MORTY You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) GEORGE Uh, please, Morty. MORTY No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again) GEORGE I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... JERRY Aww... GEORGE ...Who's not doing this for the money. JERRY ...C'mon. GEORGE You have no idea how refreshing that is. JERRY So what'd we get? GEORGE (big smile) Eight thousand dollars. JERRY Beautiful! GEORGE (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us. HELEN Four thousand apiece? JERRY Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money. GEORGE I was wrong, you were right. JERRY You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up. GEORGE You're smart, I'm dumb. JERRY You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. The buzzer sounds. HELEN That's gotta be Leo. JERRY (to intercom) Yeah? LEO Leo. JERRY Alright, we're coming down. MORTY Alright, let's get going. JERRY Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you. Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to Morty. JERRY A present. MORTY A present? Morty opens it. MORTY Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see. JERRY C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. HELEN I hope you didn't spend too much on that. MORTY I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me. HELEN He's something, you son, isn't he? JERRY Ah hah, alright, let's go. Everyone begins to head for the door. MORTY You're a terrific kid. Jerry picks up a case. JERRY Okay. GEORGE Yeah, he's something, isn't he? George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit. HELEN How could anybody not like you? GEORGE (to Jerry) You're very special. JERRY (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars. (Street) Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient. LEO Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. MORTY Alright, Leo. JERRY Hey, uncle Leo. LEO Hi, hi... JERRY How you doing? There are murmurs of greetings. JERRY This is some beautiful parking spot you got here. LEO Yeah, I hate to give it up. JERRY Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money? MORTY Jerry! JERRY Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip. HELEN (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry. GEORGE Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care. MORTY Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet. GEORGE (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. JERRY Take care now. So long. Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment. They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear. GEORGE Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money. JERRY Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. GEORGE You're kidding. JERRY He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. GEORGE Man, would I like to see the look on his face. Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back. MORTY You believe this? HELEN What? MORTY (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro. HELEN You're kidding. MORTY Who needs this? He tosses the wallet into the trash bin. MORTY Leo, let's go. Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo picks the wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and tucks it into his pocket as he goes to get in the car. (Comedy club) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check." THE END |
THE PHONE MESSAGE | THE PHONE MESSAGE Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine." GEORGE So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like - remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? - that's what I looked like. JERRY So you didn't ask? GEORGE No, I froze. JERRY (Points to counter) Counter. GEORGE Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss. JERRY He said wuss? GEORGE Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it. JERRY So you called. (They sit at counter) GEORGE Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual. JERRY Yeah, like a farm boy. GEORGE Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!' JERRY Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful. GEORGE Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there. JERRY Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic 'Hi!' Go ahead. GEORGE So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you doing Saturday night?" JERRY And? GEORGE She bought. JERRY Great day in the morning. GEORGE Then I got off the phone right away. JERRY Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out. GEORGE It's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night. I can't remember the last time that happened. George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George and his date CAROL GEORGE I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear. CAROL You do not. GEORGE Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year. (They both laugh) Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and his GIRLFRIEND DONNA JERRY (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. DONNA That's Irish. JERRY Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie? (Donna laughs) DONNA So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great. GEORGE Yeah. We should do this again. DONNA Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee? GEORGE Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up. DONNA (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK. GEORGE OK. DONNA Goodnight. GEORGE Yeah, take it easy. (Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes his forehead in disgust) DONNA Thanks again for the movie. JERRY You're welcome. DONNA I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. JERRY Oh, that's OK. DONNA Unless you want to go to your place. JERRY OK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for. GEORGE Take it easy, huh, take it easy. JERRY I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up. DONNA Values are very important. JERRY Oh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night - you wanna have dinner? DONNA Thursday's great. (Moves closer) JERRY (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them. DONNA Are those Cotton Dockers? JERRY Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial. DONNA Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses) JERRY You like that commercial? DONNA Yeah, it's clever. JERRY Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty? DONNA Yeah, that's the one. JERRY What could you possibly like about that? DONNA I don't know, I like the guys. JERRY Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. DONNA Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true. JERRY (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you? DONNA (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants. JERRY But they're talking about nothing. DONNA That's the point. JERRY I know the point. DONNA No one is telling you to like it. JERRY I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be? (Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch) JERRY MONOLOGUE What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking 'What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?' JERRY I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial? ELAINE I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough. JERRY No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason? ELAINE Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his TUB germs were building a town in there - they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000. (George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag) ELAINE Hi. (George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, places them on counter) JERRY You're still thinking about this? GEORGE (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me. JERRY She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee. GEORGE She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex. ELAINE Maybe coffee was coffee. GEORGE Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at night. ELAINE Well some people drink coffee that late. GEORGE Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great." ELAINE It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her. GEORGE I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call. ELAINE Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day. GEORGE Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar. ELAINE All she'll think is that you like her. GEORGE Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me! ELAINE I don't know what your parents did to you. (Kramer enters, points at Jerry) KRAMER Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it? JERRY I don't think so. KRAMER It's funny. ELAINE It is funny. KRAMER That's as good as anything you do. GEORGE Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on. JERRY Why do we have to leave? GEORGE Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, let's go. ELAINE Oh, see, this is the problem. JERRY You're kicking me out of my house? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE Don't forget. GEORGE Oh Jerry, do you have any apples? JERRY Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples. (Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone) PHONE Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep) GEORGE Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, uhm, so, you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy. (Hangs up. Jerry enters) JERRY I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the matter, did you call? (Elaine enters) GEORGE Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. Dead man. JERRY What did you say? GEORGE I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right NOW 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!' JERRY After one date you try and improvise on her machine? GEORGE Now I'm in the worst position of all. ELAINE Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape. GEORGE He did that? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Somebody did that? JERRY She'll call you back. You're overreacting. JERRY Not once. DONNA Never? JERRY I have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life ever. DONNA That's amazing. JERRY Thank you. DONNA Is there anything else about you I should know? JERRY Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. DONNA Really? JERRY I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm, I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom) (George enters) GEORGE Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave) DONNA Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom. GEORGE I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back. DONNA You don't have to leave. GEORGE You sure? DONNA Yes. GEORGE OK. DONNA I'm Donna. GEORGE Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial! DONNA He told you about that. GEORGE No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything. He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. (Jerry re- enters) DONNA (To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip because I like that commercial. JERRY What? (To George) What did, what did you say? GEORGE Say? What? Nothing, I.. DONNA You told him how I like the commercial. JERRY Well, so what if I said that? DONNA Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends. JERRY No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you. GEORGE (To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble? DONNA I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. GEORGE Boy oh boy. JERRY I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what? DONNA I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial. JERRY Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there. (Kramer enters) K Hey. JERRY Oh, Kramer, this is Donna. k Oh. Cotton Dockers! GEORGE Hello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer) k What? Where are we going? GEORGE Come on! DONNA Don't bother, I'm leaving. JERRY Donna, really, you're making too much of this. K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just pants! JERRY Please, Donna. DONNA I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves) GEORGE I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault. JERRY Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway. k What happened there? JERRY I'll tell you later. GEORGE You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman. GEORGE OK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the MACHINE AGAIN "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is." Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face." JERRY You said that? GEORGE I lost it. JERRY I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back. GEORGE She did. Today. JERRY What? GEORGE She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for it. JERRY So she didn't get the messages. GEORGE Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she gets home. JERRY But what about the messages? (George produces cassette tape from pocket) JERRY Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in? GEORGE I'll meet her outside the building. JERRY But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right for that machine. GEORGE Or she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who am I kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those stupid machines. JERRY There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out. GEORGE You do it for me. JERRY What? GEORGE Come on, it'll be so much easier. JERRY How you gonna get me up there? GEORGE I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown. JERRY And who makes the switch? GEORGE You do. JERRY I do. GEORGE I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy. JERRY I can't get involved in this. GEORGE I think I may be in love with this woman. JERRY What if she sees me? GEORGE Oh, you are such a wuss. JERRY A wuss? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Did you call me a wuss? GEORGE Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen. JERRY I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming. GEORGE A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy toe!' JERRY 'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so. GEORGE You don't like 'Tippy toe?' JERRY No 'Tippy toe.' GEORGE Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing. JERRY What song? GEORGE Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' JERRY What is that? GEORGE Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem like Maria? JERRY Anything else? GEORGE You pick it. JERRY 'Lemon Tree' GEORGE Peter, Paul and Mary. JERRY No, Trini Lopez. BOTH (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower GEORGE You got the tape? JERRY (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro. GEORGE How do you feel? Confident? JERRY Feel good. GEORGE You nervous? JERRY Not at all. GEORGE Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go! (Carol arrives) GEORGE Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home. GEORGE I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. CAROL Oh, that's so sweet. GEORGE Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time. JERRY All the time. CAROL It's nice to meet you. JERRY Hi. CAROL So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat? GEORGE You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home. CAROL OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park? GEORGE Don't you wanna go upstairs first? CAROL No, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman. JERRY You know, I really need to use the bathroom. CAROL Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. GEORGE Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so... CAROL Well they have a phone. (George takes Carol to one side) GEORGE I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs. CAROL (Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine. GEORGE Right, right. (They enter building) CAROL The bathroom's on the hall to the right. JERRY Er, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip. CAROL No, I'm fine. JERRY Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest thing, it went away. CAROL Oh that's weird. GEORGE No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that in medical journals. It's a freak thing, but... CAROL Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go. GEORGE Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now. CAROL Sure. GEORGE Please, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other room) (Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape) GEORGE (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree! (Carol reappears followed by George) CAROL (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen you, it's driving me crazy. JERRY Right. I am. GEORGE Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry. (George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes) JERRY (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go. (George and Carol return) CAROL That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool? GEORGE (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange? JERRY Yes. CAROL Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here, let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone. GEORGE Oh, uhhh... CAROL Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that. (All three leave) I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) "I told him!" THE END |
THE SECRET CODE | THE SECRET CODE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you get excited? It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money! (George and Susan are in George's apartment) SUSAN Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM. GEORGE Yeah, I better grab some too. SUSAN I'll get it for you; just give me your card. GEORGE You sure? SUSAN Yeah, just tell me your code. GEORGE My code? (Jerry and George are at the coffee shop) JERRY So why didn't you tell her the code? GEORGE No. No way. JERRY George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely. GEORGE It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.' JERRY So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now? GEORGE Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish? JERRY Actually, that's the definition of selfish. GEORGE Have you ever given your code to anyone? JERRY No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.' GEORGE Superman's father on Krypton. JERRY Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister. GEORGE No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason. JERRY What if my life depended on it? GEORGE If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code. Jerry stands up and begins limping. GEORGE What's the matter with your leg? JERRY My foot fell asleep. GEORGE How'd your foot fall asleep? JERRY I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate. A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table. FRED Hey Jerry. JERRY Hey Fred. GEORGE Hey Fred. JERRY My foot fell asleep. FRED You're lucky, at least you got something to do. Elaine walks in. JERRY Fred, do you know Elaine? FRED No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys. GEORGE Alright, bye. JERRY Seeya. ELAINE Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.' JERRY So? ELAINE So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes. JERRY And he didn't remember you? Elaine gets up to leave. JERRY Where are you going, you just got here? ELAINE I gotta go talk to him. Elaine catches up to Fred on the street. ELAINE Excuse me, excuse me, Fred? FRED Yeah? ELAINE You just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before. FRED We have? ELAINE Yeah, at Katie Ash's party? FRED What was your name again? ELAINE Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald? FRED Not ringing a bell. ELAINE When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'? FRED Mmm, no. ELAINE That was right when we were in front of the bathroom door. FRED The bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun. Kramer enters holding a police scanner. JERRY Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow. KRAMER Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this. JERRY What is that? KRAMER Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman. JERRY Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made. KRAMER When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder. JERRY You're lucky they let you drive a car. KRAMER No no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools. Kramer runs out, Elaine enters. ELAINE What was that? JERRY (waving his arm in dismissal) Eh. ELAINE Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me. JERRY Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women. ELAINE What are you saying? JERRY Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you. ELAINE Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know. JERRY I know. ELAINE Ya know? JERRY Yeah, I know. ELAINE Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog. JERRY Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe. ELAINE Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me. JERRY Why would I wanna do that? ELAINE Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful. JERRY Yeah, sounds like fun. George and Susan are at George's apartment. SUSAN I want you to tell me, George. GEORGE Why? Why is my code so important? SUSAN Because, it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another. GEORGE Well I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles. SUSAN My cycles? GEORGE Yeah, I never know what's going on there. SUSAN Well from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles. GEORGE Please. SUSAN Anything else? GEORGE We're out of Bosco! Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store. JERRY Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store. LEAPIN' LARRY Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap shots. JERRY No I don't. LEAPIN' LARRY Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the mess. This renovation is killing me. JERRY My foot's asleep again! Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe limp, LEAPIN' LARRY When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store. JERRY You know what? I'll be with you in a minute. Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' Larry's employee begins laughing. EMPLOYEE That is a great impression! Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. Jerry is embarrassed. JERRY Larry, wait, you don't understand! Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment. KRAMER I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to? JERRY I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep. KRAMER Oh, oh your foot fell asleep. JERRY Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it. KRAMER Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba? Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button. JERRY Yup. VOICE Hup. A news bulletin is shown on the TV. KRAMER Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday. JERRY Wow, the whole building burned down. KRAMER They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes? JERRY Of course. KRAMER It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate. JERRY The amazing thing is you never have any place to go. Kramer leaves, George enters. GEORGE Where we gonna eat? JERRY We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place. GEORGE Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman. JERRY Of course not, if I did would you have gone? GEORGE No way. JERRY There you go. GEORGE I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off. JERRY Trust me, you're off. Elaine bumps into Fred on the street. ELAINE Oh, hi Fred. FRED Um, hello? ELAINE It's Elaine. FRED Oh yeah, yeah, right. ELAINE How ya doin'? FRED I'm depressed. I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it. ELAINE Yeah, that's too bad. FRED Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted. ELAINE Hmm. I never take them. FRED Cause they make you nauseous, right? ELAINE Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered! FRED Do you wanna have dinner tonight? ELAINE Hmm. Tonight. FRED What, you have other plans? ELAINE No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember. Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up in mid-conversation. JERRY ...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code. GEORGE Call the Embassy. JERRY They're closed. GEORGE Why? JERRY Bomb threat. GEORGE We're in Turkey? JERRY Midnight Express, my friend. GEORGE My card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system. Mr. Peterman walks in. PETERMAN You must be Jerry Seinfeld. JERRY Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza. PETERMAN J. Peterman. GEORGE J. Crew. JERRY Well, is Elaine here? PETERMAN Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls. GEORGE What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us? JERRY Without Elaine? What for? GEORGE What, is he crazy? JERRY We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man. GEORGE I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank. JERRY George, what's the matter with you? GEORGE I'm choking! PETERMAN Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we? JERRY Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry. PETERMAN I understand, no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine. Elaine is waiting on the street. ELAINE I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up? George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. George is disinterested. PETERMAN ...And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars. GEORGE Howbout sports? Do you follow sports? Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn beside him on the couch. TV ANNOUNCER It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You gotta love sports! Peterman is driving George home. GEORGE You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really. PETERMAN Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy. The car phone rings, Peterman answers. PETERMAN Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time. Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the passenger side window. Elaine is on the phone with Jerry. JERRY I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor. ELAINE Well, Fred asked me out. JERRY Fred? ELAINE Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy. JERRY You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you. ELAINE I am? But that's so sick. JERRY That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together. ELAINE Anyway, so how was the dinner? JERRY Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there. ELAINE What about Georgie? JERRY Nah, he didn't make it. Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting with the doctor. PETERMAN Doctor, how is she? DOCTOR She's too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice. PETERMAN Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama. She looks off in George's direction. GEORGE I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son. Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair with a coat covering him. Peterman wakes him up. PETERMAN Shake off the dew, my friend. GEORGE Yeah. What time is it? PETERMAN It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you? GEORGE Who? PETERMAN Momma. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it helps. Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation. GEORGE Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fianc�, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief! MRS. PETERMAN Bosco. Bosco. GEORGE Oh, shhh. MRS. PETERMAN Bosco! PETERMAN Momma? George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret. MRS. PETERMAN Bosco! Bosco! Bosco! GEORGE Shut up! Shut up! Peterman runs in. PETERMAN Momma! What are you trying to say? MRS. PETERMAN Bosco. Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes. PETERMAN She's gone. Bosco? Peterman looks at George, who shrugs. George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment. GEORGE You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant. JERRY I did not bail out on you. GEORGE Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse? JERRY Why didn't you come up with your own? GEORGE I froze. I think I'm losing it. JERRY Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump? GEORGE No, no. I reached down and there was *nothing* there. Kramer enters. GEORGE Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral. JERRY Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it? GEORGE I am not giving you my code. KRAMER I'll bet I can guess it. GEORGE Pssh. Yeah. Right. KRAMER Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? GEORGE Huh? KRAMER You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. GEORGE Get out of here. KRAMER Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean. GEORGE I'm leaving. KRAMER No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! GEORGE I gotta go. KRAMER If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! GEORGE Shut up! KRAMER Nestl�'s Quik! GEORGE Shut up! Elaine and George are at the funeral. GEORGE What was that? ELAINE What? GEORGE You just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him? ELAINE I got a date. Mr. Peterman walks up. ELAINE Oh, Mr. Peterman. PETERMAN Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps. GEORGE Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've gotta get going. PETERMAN You do? GEORGE Uh, yes, actually we-we both do. ELAINE I have a personal commitment. GEORGE Well, personal, I mean, we both uh... PETERMAN What is it? ELAINE I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference. GEORGE Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference. PETERMAN I don't believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you to stop by. ELAINE My pleasure. PETERMAN Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this. Elaine leaves. PETERMAN You know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name. Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket. KRAMER Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me? JERRY Fire station? KRAMER Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world! JERRY Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's. KRAMER Oh, so he took you back. JERRY Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven. KRAMER Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something. JERRY No I didn't. Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain. CAPTAIN Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive. KRAMER Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show. CAPTAIN Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are. Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's. JERRY Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding. LEAPIN' LARRY Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to show you around the store. JERRY Oh sure. Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep. JERRY Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there. Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, he accidentally bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid which spills onto some exposed electrical wires causing a fire. Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing. DISPATCHER Attention Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse. KRAMER Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam. CAPTAIN Stay out of this, Kramer. Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a try. As he lands he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor in a daze. KRAMER Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go? FIREMAN I drive the back of the truck. Kramer's face lights up. KRAMER Well, you'd better take it easy. Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of the truck. Elaine and Fred are having dinner. FRED Sorry about the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that? ELAINE Huh. FRED The worst part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's no transportation... ELAINE What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him... FRED ...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her. George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket. PETERMAN Bosco. Bosco. Bosco. There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames! Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head. PETERMAN George! Inside the speeding fire engine. CAPTAIN Gonna make a left onto Broadway. KRAMER No, I would advise against that. CAPTAIN Who is this? Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck. KRAMER It's Kramer! CAPTAIN Kramer?! What the hell are you doing back there? KRAMER DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose. Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances as smoke pours from the building. A woman approaches Jerry. WOMAN How did this start? JERRY Beats me. LEAPIN' LARRY Where the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole store! Cut back to Kramer on the truck. CAPTAIN Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this equipment! MAN ON THE STREET Hey, Kramer! KRAMER Hey! Cut back to Leapin' Larry's. LEAPIN' LARRY Try the scanner, see if you can pick up anything. Jerry turns on the scanner. CAPTAIN What are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road! KRAMER Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it! JERRY Kramer? Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck. CAPTAIN You're losing control! Hard right! Hard right! Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing sound, and then static. JERRY Ah, that's a shame. George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled block. PETERMAN The fire will eat up this entire block! They come upon an ATM vestibule. PETERMAN Look, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger! MAN But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card! PETERMAN George, give me your ATM card! GEORGE I don't have my ATM card. PETERMAN George, you're obviously lying, anyone can see that! George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it into the slot and tries the door. PETERMAN It's jammed! I'll slide it under the door, The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine. MAN Now give me your code! GEORGE What?! Why? MAN The machine won't open without the code! PETERMAN George, give him your code! GEORGE But I-I-I- PETERMAN George, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, man!! MAN The code!! The code!! George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in and drops some mail on the coffee table. SUSAN Hi. Here's your cash, George. GEORGE Hm. Thanks. SUSAN And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco? JERRY Oh my god. Look at this. GEORGE Hm? PERRY It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look. (Jerry hands the catalog to George.) GEORGE The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother. THE END |
THE TRUTH | THE TRUTH Written by Elaine Pope & Larry Charles (Comedy club) Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ... (Monk's) PATRICE Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats GEORGE I don't understand. Paper Machay hats? PATRICE uh uh GEORGE What if it rains? FD They're art. You hang them on the wall. GEORGE Oh, art! PATRICE It's my creative outlet. One of my passions. GEORGE Any money in it? PATRICE Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos GEORGE Of course, right. PATRICE Thomas Carlisle, 1864. GEORGE Tommy C. Jerry's Apartment JERRY These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86. KRAMER I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited JERRY I don't blame you. I blame myself. KRAMER No, blame me. JERRY OK, I blame you. KRAMER Don't blame me. JERRY What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa. KRAMER It was supposed to erupt. JERRY I find the whole thing very embarrassing. KRAMER You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes. JERRY Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hi, JERRY Hi ELAINE Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. (Jerry smiles) ELAINE What's so funny JERRY Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny. ELAINE Uh, it's a riot Alice. KRAMER When do you pit the sauce on? ELAINE Any other time. KRAMER I like to strain the sauce. ELAINE And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room KRAMER Yeah, Tina likes the couch. ELAINE What are you doing? What is all this? JERRY Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited. ELAINE O, your being auditted? What for? JERRY Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring. ELAINE When was this? JERRY Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. ELAINE I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. JERRY Volcano? Really? ELAINE Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ... JERRY Something to drink? ELAINE What did you think, that would impress me? JERRY You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans ELAINE Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off? JERRY Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long. ELAINE Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma. JERRY No, that's Krama. ELAINE So, waddya' going to do? JERRY It's all taken care of. ELAINE How is that? KRAMER (chuckles) JERRY An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. ELAINE Why is she doing this? JERRY I don't know. It must be love. Monks GEORGE I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems. PATRICE What did I do? GEORGE Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love. PATRICE You hate my earrings don't you? GEORGE No, no, PATRICE And you didn't comment on the chop sticks. GEORGE I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice. PATRICE You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something. GEORGE I have a fear of intimacy PATRICE Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong? GEORGE Nothing. It's not YOU.. PATRICE I want the truth. GEORGE The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay? PATRICE Keep goin'. GEORGE I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh. PATRICE No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest. GEORGE Can I uh, can I walk you back to work? PATRICE I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe? GEORGE Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f... Jerry's Apartment JERRY ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands ELAINE I don't blame ya' JERRY Have you ever been through an audit? ELAINE No. JERRY It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ... (buzzer) JERRY Yeah GEORGE George JERRY Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor GEORGE My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle) JERRY And there's so much more to go. GEORGE Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth JERRY So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers? GEORGE Oh, oh, your papers JERRY What happened you didn't give her the papers? GEORGE No. I did. JERRY SO? GEORGE ...I broke up with her. (Kramer leaves) JERRY You what? GEORGE I broke up with her. JERRY I'm being audited! And you broke up with her? GEORGE It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it. JERRY Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them. GEORGE Oh, no. We left on good terms. JERRY How is that possible? GEORGE Because I uh, I told her the truth. JERRY Oh, my God. GEORGE It's OK. JERRY It's unheard of ... GEORGE She asked me to. JERRY So you lie! What did you tell her? GEORGE I told her that she was pretentious. JERRY Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want ELAINE How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth? GEORGE Like what? What could they say? ELAINE There are plenty of things to say. GEORGE Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of? ELAINE George, please. GEORGE Give me one. ELAINE You sure? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE What? ELAINE Forget it. You are very careful with money. GEORGE I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me? ELAINE You asked me to. GEORGE You should have lied. ELAINE HUH, so should you. JERRY OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers? GEORGE (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now. ELAINE I know. GEORGE When I was working I spent baby. JERRY Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers? GEORGE She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her. ELAINE Pocketbook or a handbag? JERRY Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office. GEORGE Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up) JERRY What? What? GEORGE She never came back from lunch. JERRY This is no good. This is no good. Call her house. GEORGE (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up. JERRY Not good. GEORGE All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits) JERRY Not good (break) Jerry's Apartment KRAMER Yeah, it's a windshield. JERRY I can see that. What's it for? KRAMER I found it on the road. JERRY Yeah (to buzzer) ELAINE (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy? JERRY Come on up. KRAMER Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina. JERRY wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch? KRAMER wow (Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares) ELAINE hell-oo KRAMER hell-oo JERRY What's with you two? ELAINE You haven't told him? JERRY Tell me what? ELAINE Huh, go ahead, tell him. KRAMER I, I saw her naked. ELAINE He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked. KRAMER Well, you know, ... it was an accident. ELAINE Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know! KRAMER I thought it was a closet. JERRY Completely naked? KRAMER Completely naked. ELAINE Jerrryyy, How can I go on? KRAMER All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. (Kramer begins disrobing) ELAINE No thanks! KRAMER No, I want you to see me naked. ELAINE No, no no. KRAMER No, I want to show you. ELAINE No! Jerry! Jerry! JERRY OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story. (Kramer sits down picks up windshield) ELAINE Ehat is this? KRAMER Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table. ELAINE Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it. JERRY You'll sense it. (George enters slowly) JERRY Well, what happened? Was she there? GEORGE No, no she wasn't. JERRY You didn't get my papers? GEORGE No, I didn't. JERRY Well, where is she? GEORGE A mental institution. STAND UP ROUTINE Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot. = Jerry's Apartment JERRY A mental institution? KRAMER You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head. GEORGE It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this. ELAINE Who told you this: GEORGE Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. KRAMER My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect. JERRY You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS! GEORGE She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her. JERRY So what now? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY Can we go out there? GEORGE Where? JERRY Woodhaven. GEORGE We could. Woodhaven GEORGE I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before. JERRY My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?" GEORGE I should be in a place like this I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those. JERRY That'd be great. There's no wrong answer. GEORGE Potato JERRY Tuberculosis GEORGE Blanket JERRY Leroy GEORGE Grass JERRY Tuberculosis GEORGE Oh, boy. Here she comes. Elaine's Apartment (African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes are piled high in the kitchen) ELAINE Oh, my god. (Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.) ELAINE KRAMER! KRAMER Hey. ELAINE WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON. KRAMER Uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. TINA Kramer, are you coming back to bed? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby. TINA Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table? ELAINE It's invisible. KRAMER So, is everything cool? or what? TINA Yeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional. ELAINE Well, TINA Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth. ELAINE The Truth!, You want The Truth? Woodhaven PATRICE Who are you? GEORGE Oh, this is my friend Jerry. PATRICE Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want? JERRY Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George. PATRICE George thinks I'm pretentious. GEORGE Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution. PATRICE You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here. GEORGE No, that's not it at all. PATRICE Don't LIE George. GEORGE I'M NOT A LIER! GEORGE Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent) JERRY Just chatting. Friendly. GEORGE All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices. PATRICE I know what you said. You can't change that. GEORGE What I said? I saw stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. JERRY It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook? GEORGE You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you. PATRICE You mean that? GEORGE Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile. JERRY He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket book. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. PATRICE Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies. JERRY there are no copies. PATRICE So are you saying you want to continue seeing me? JERRY Who makes copies? Elaine's Apartment ELAINE The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple. (Elaine exits) KRAMER Oh, TINA Kramer, (dancing in the dark to the music) TINA Here Kramer? KRAMER No, lets go to the couch... (sound of smashing glass) Jerry's Apartment ( JERRY (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer thatI bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye. JERRY Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt. ELAINE I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital. JERRY George? GEORGE I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good. (Kramer enter - all bandaged up. KRAMER Hey, Are you going to the hospital now? ELAINE Yeah, I suppose I am. KRAMER All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. JERRY You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride. GEORGE Hey, I'm getting in on that. ELAINE You know you're chippin' in. GEORGE You're going that way anyway! (Comedy club) I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!" THE END |
THE SUSIE | THE SUSIE Written by David Mandel [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down the street at dusk.] KRAMER Look how dark it's gettin' already. JERRY Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet. KRAMER When does it start? JERRY [pause] I don't know, they just tell you the night before. KRAMER Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. [pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)] I am springin' ahead riiight now. JERRY [under breath] Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.. [JERRY sees MIKE down the sidewalk. MIKE's peering into a shop window.] JERRY Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit.. KRAMER Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago! JERRY I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy. KRAMER Hey! Mike! MIKE [sees and is enthused, coming over] Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?! JERRY Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that.. MIKE Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie! JERRY No openings in arson? MIKE [pauses, struck by J's attitude] Either of you guys wanna place a bet: I'm your guy. KRAMER [quickly] Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease. JERRY I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. [casually leaves] MIKE Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing? KRAMER You kidding? It's all water near a bridge. MIKE Hey, what time you got? KRAMER [pulling out his timepiece] Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six. MIKE Whoa--uh--I'm really late. [leaves] [ELAINE's at work, with PEGGY at Peggy's drafting table, looking at Peggy's designs. (PEGGY is an older, thin woman.)] ELAINE Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me. PEGGY Oh, it was no problem. ELAINE [leaving with the drawings] Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em. PEGGY [focusing on her work] Thanks, Susie. [At the door, ELAINE turns around, wondering if she heard right, and should she say anything. PEGGY looks up, pleasantly nods at her, and returns to her work. ELAINE wavers and decides to let it drop, and leaves.] [That night at Monk's, JERRY and ELAINE are sitting in a booth.] ELAINE You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie." JERRY I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe. ELAINE What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island? JERRY Who are you describing? ELAINE Someone I know. JERRY Named Sharon? ELAINE I'd rather not say. [GEORGE has just come in and grabs a chair to put a garment bag on.] GEORGE Hey. ELAINE [to say hello] Mmm! What's in the bag? GEORGE [sitting] Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh! JERRY Kind of a Yankee prom? GEORGE [resentfully dampened] It's not a prom. It's a Ball. JERRY You taking Allison? GEORGE Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe-- JERRY Live? ELAINE Lithe. GEORGE Live? ELAINE [rolling her eyes] Lithe! JERRY Oh, lithe! ELAINE Well, you two'll have a great time there. JERRY It can't be worse than this. ELAINE Mmm! GEORGE An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance! ELAINE Backless? Ya gonna back her in? GEORGE Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls. ELAINE She's not gonna twirl-- GEORGE She'll Twirl. [GEORGE and ALLISON are coming into George's "house."] GEORGE That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around. ALLISON [weary] All right. GEORGE Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer? ALLISON [digging in purse] Yeah, uh--here. [hands him ticket] GEORGE Oh! Great! ALLISON Uh. Say, George-- GEORGE Woo! Courtside! [mock-snide] Is that the best you could do? Ha ha! ALLISON [sitting] George. We need to talk. GEORGE What? ALLISON I really, think we need to talk. GEORGE [pause] Uh-oh. [Jerry's "house." JERRY and GEORGE are just coming in.] JERRY She wants to talk. GEORGE She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk. JERRY Nobody needs to talk. GEORGE Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry. JERRY What'd ya do? GEORGE I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back. JERRY [pause] All night?! GEORGE Yeah, I slept at my parents' house. JERRY And she wants to break up with you.. GEORGE Ha! [snort] Can you believe it? [amused] I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro. JERRY Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's." GEORGE So? What'm I gonna do? JERRY You really like this girl. GEORGE No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance! JERRY You've made some Fine Exits. GEORGE [admitting] All right.. JERRY So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her. GEORGE [resolved] Why not. [determined] If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll. KRAMER [suddenly entering] Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison-- GEORGE Yeah, yeah, right here. [hands it to him] KRAMER All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away.. GEORGE [clipping on shades] Ha.. She'll have to find me first. [leaving] KRAMER {All right.} [to JERRY] Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars. JERRY What for? KRAMER Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action! JERRY But I don't want any "sweet action." KRAMER Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem. JERRY So you put down my money?! KRAMER [impatient sigh] You don't have a problem. JERRY Not {with} that, no.. [ELAINE's at the office, walking past PEGGY's office. PEGGY's reading a memo and notices her.] PEGGY Susie. Susie! ELAINE [coming in] Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but-- PEGGY Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes? ELAINE Yeah. See that-- PEGGY [preoccupied] You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the gro-ound. ELAINE Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job.. PEGGY I heard she was a disaster, Suze-- ELAINE [testy, leans into Peggy's personal space] Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie! [PEGGY feels quite threatened..] [GEORGE is in his living room, watching TV, eating popcorn. The phone rings and he lets the machine pick it up as he munches and uses the remote. The machine tape is to the tune of the Greatest American Hero theme song ("The Greatest American Hero (Believe it or not)," written by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).] GEORGE [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] (JERRY's on the other end, a little bored. But GEORGE likes the song, bobbed his head with it.) JERRY George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison. GEORGE [answers phone, good mood] Hey. JERRY So, coffee shop? GEORGE No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. [the call waiting beeps] Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. [hangs up] GEORGE [on tape, singing] "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." [beep] (GEORGE was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging during it, and remoting to another station.) ALLISON [on phone machine, peeved] George? Are you there? [muttering] I hate that stupid message. [terse] I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. [hangs up] [GEORGE dials a number.] GEORGE [to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. [hangs up and happily chuckles] Ha ha! [At JERRY's apartment, ELAINE's just arrived.] ELAINE Can you believe this woman? JERRY [ironic outrage] The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face! ELAINE No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze. JERRY No. No Suze. ELAINE [tense] I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?! JERRY Who are you describin'? ELAINE Someone I know! JERRY Named Suze? ELAINE No, still Sharon! KRAMER [comes in, subdued] Hey. [grabs a water from refrigerator] JERRY Hey, I thought you went to the game. KRAMER No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. [leaving] JERRY Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?! KRAMER [stops] W--Reggie Miller. ELAINE Cheryl Miller's brother? KRAMER Yeah. [leaving] JERRY Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened! KRAMER [stops again] Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. [leaving] ELAINE [same time as JERRY] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!-- JERRY Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?! KRAMER [stops again] Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game. ELAINE So that's it? KRAMER Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. [leaves] JERRY Can you believe that? ELAINE I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball. KRAMER [suddenly comes back, excited] The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three! JERRY What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout! KRAMER No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide! JERRY On what?! KRAMER [real addict] Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. [getting out pocket-watch] JERRY Yeah, all right. KRAMER [looking at watch] Ssssh--ah! They just closed! JERRY [not] Oh. Too Bad. (3+1) a: daylight LS looking up at office building; 1: full shot of office; 2: MS on E; 3: MS on J. Peterman; 2; 3; 2. [PETERMAN's office. ELAINE comes to the door.] ELAINE Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me? PETERMAN Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"? ELAINE Su-sie? PETERMAN Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker. ELAINE [nit] It's Susie. PETERMAN Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie right here, in my office. ELAINE [dismayed] Ah, all o'--all of us? [ALLISON's apartment. Someone's knocking on the door and she gets it. It's KRAMER.] KRAMER Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude. ALLISON Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him. KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes. ALLISON Oh yeah? [On the street, JERRY is leisurely unloading his groceries from the back of his car.] JERRY [singing] Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home. MIKE [comes up] Hey. Jerry. JERRY Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks? MIKE [a little anxious] Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you. JERRY Why not? MIKE 'Cause I don't have the money.. JERRY Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"? MIKE Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please! JERRY You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one. MIKE I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that. [MIKE gets some groceries out.] JERRY [trying to shut the trunk hood] Something wrong with this trunk. MIKE Oh. Let me see. [As MIKE puts his hands there, JERRY, unaware, shuts the trunk again! It happens very fast--MIKE's hands are slammed and he screams out in pain!] [The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark romantic place, roses at the tables. GEORGE is sitting at a table with KRAMER.] GEORGE So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? [amused] An' why Pomodoro? [Just now, at one table in the background, a WOMAN is sad and dismayed, says, "How could you say that to me?" She cries..] KRAMER [quiet, delicately] Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you. GEORGE [quiet] Uh-oh. KRAMER We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break. GEORGE Can't we discuss this? KRAMER [reasoning] We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship! GEORGE [dismayed] I didn't even know you wanted to get serious! KRAMER [dismayed] So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. [is tearing up] GEORGE [pause] Are you? KRAMER Wha--me? No! No. But she is. GEORGE I, I can't believe this is happening! KRAMER George, we're sorry. [breathes in, pause] We're through.. GEORGE Krama. Please. KRAMER [leaves, upset] Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry-- [TIME: 11:13] [Commercial Break] [PETERMAN and PEGGY are sitting in his office. There are two empy chairs. The window overlooks central park.] ELAINE [entering, uneasy] Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. [sits] PETERMAN Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short. ELAINE Oh. No, we're not-- PEGGY Susie has been very rude to me. PETERMAN Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie. ELAINE Look. [engaging smile] We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. [breathes in] name names! [indicating empty chair] Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you-- PETERMAN Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. [indicating empty chair] ELAINE Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too. PETERMAN Who. ELAINE [uh-oh] Her? PETERMAN Where is she?! ELAINE Ah--this is part of the problem! PEGGY Iiii thought I was, part of this problem. ELAINE [smiling, convincing] You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine! PETERMAN Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch. ELAINE [feigning hearing something] What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. [rushes out!] PETERMAN She is The Best. What was your name again. [Jerry's. KRAMER and JERRY are talking. JERRY's eating lunch at his table.] KRAMER Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you. JERRY Well why doesn't he just come in? KRAMER Because he's scared, Jerry. JERRY Why is he scared. KRAMER [sighs, opens door] Come on in. Did you do this? [MIKE has two hand casts on] JERRY Yeah, but-- KRAMER Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs. JERRY It was an accident. KRAMER Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up? MIKE [desperate] I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it! JERRY [hands up] I don't want it that way. KRAMER Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt. JERRY [whatever] Fine.. MIKE Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good--real good! [MIKE's very grateful, and leaves with a two thumbs-up gesture. But he also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's the position the casts hold his thumbs in. It's odd!] KRAMER See that was nice, Jerry. [under breath] Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk. JERRY Ah, it's just a car. [GEORGE comes up (the door's still open) and when he and KRAMER see each other, there's an awkward, long pause. During the following, JERRY sits at the table silently watching, intrigued.] GEORGE Hi. KRAMER [looking down, nodding] Hi. [Another pause. It's like they broke up--well they did, but they didn't.] GEORGE It's, funny runnin' into you here. KRAMER Yeah, yeah.. It's funny. You look good.. GEORGE [embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut] Do I? Thanks.. You too.. KRAMER Ooo, yeah.. [indicating his face, embarrassed] {Heh, right.} You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right-- GEORGE [sad] Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime. KRAMER George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. [leaves] GEORGE [pause] What do you think, Jerry. JERRY [wistful] I don't know, I just see you guys together. [Outside it's raining. MIKE is working on Jerry's trunk, trying to get at the locking mechanism but it's hard with those casts on.] MIKE Thumbs! [He gets into the trunk for better access. But it turns out KRAMER is getting into his car, parked just ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps Jerry's car while backing up and the trunk slams shut. It locked this time!] MIKE [from inside the trunk] Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help! [That night, ELAINE and JERRY are in the car, talking. He's driving.] JERRY So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that! ELAINE Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity. JERRY Yeah, I know how you feel. (Meanwhile, MIKE's yelping and banging in the trunk!) ELAINE Do you hear something? JERRY What? (Meanwhile, MIKE, in a now-hoarse voice is shouting, "Jerry?! Jerry?!") JERRY Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling. ELAINE Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now! JERRY Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. ELAINE What? JERRY [firmly matter-of-fact] Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear. ELAINE I kinda like her. JERRY She's Gooone. ELAINE JERRY-- JERRY [impatient] Gone! [starts maniacally laughing] [briefly stops to point and explain] That bumper sticker. [They BOTH scream, laughing! In the trunk, MIKE has heard most of the conversation! The laughing continues!] MIKE [desperately anxious] Oh God, I'm in trouble.. [At night, GEORGE is upset and knocking on Kramer's door.] GEORGE Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there! KRAMER [opens door] Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you.. GEORGE [sad] It's only four.. KRAMER Huh? GEORGE I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you-- KRAMER Oh. Oh, George. GEORGE Please. Give me another chance. KRAMER [regretfully] Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. [sigh] All right. GEORGE [grateful, relieved] Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy! KRAMER All right, all right, I'll see ya later. [shuts door] GEORGE [delighted!] Woooo! [The next day, ELAINE's passing by the door of PETERMAN's office.] PETERMAN Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division. ELAINE [quiet] Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment. PETERMAN Mmmmm--nah. ELAINE All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. [difficult subject, quiet] she took her own Life.. [PETERMAN grasps this, weepy in disappointment, "Oh!". ELAINE comforts him.] [Allison's apartment. KRAMER knocks and ALLISON gets it.] KRAMER [happy, enthused] We're takin' George back-- ALLISON What?! KRAMER He's gonna make us very happy. [ALLISON looks doubtful/disappointed.] [Inside, there are chairs lined up in rows, most are filled. There's a podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.] ELAINE [quiet] Look at this turnout. JERRY [quiet] Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people.. ELAINE [irritated] Your funeral's not gonna come close to this. [They've found seats together in the row in front of PEGGY, who looks like she's seeing a ghost!] PEGGY [to herself] Oh my god! [quiet] Susie? ELAINE [quiet] Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine. PEGGY But I've been calling you Susie. ELAINE Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. [she's going to the podium] PEGGY I guess I never met Susie. JERRY [privately amused] Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. [indicating ELAINE] Her too. [ELAINE's now at the podium.] ELAINE What can you say about a girl like Susie? [she doesn't know..] [Meanwhile, out in the parking lot, PETERMAN arrives in his little red convertible (top down), distracted with disappointment/sadness. He parks behind Jerry's car and bumps it. Jerry's trunk has unlatched but not popped open big. PETERMAN doesn't notice anything and goes in. Shortly after he passes, MIKE comes out of the trunk, squinting in the daylight, his body is sore, he shuts the trunk. Nearby, there's a small announcement sign (with stick-in white letters): TODAY'S SCHEDULE LIEBERMAN BARMITZVAH <-- SUSIE'S MEMORIAL --> (APPROXIMATION) MIKE sees it and is alarmed! He's still disoriented but hobbles away with determination!] [Tavern on the Green, at dusk. The Pinstripe Ball is starting. The walls there are mahogany, and there are short, decorative columns with flowers on top of them. Everyone is in tuxedos and gowns, and the music is mellow and quiet. GEORGE is waiting in a tux for Allison, but KRAMER arrives in his rather tight tux. They talk quietly.] KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Where's uh, where's Allison.. KRAMER Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come. GEORGE But you took me back. KRAMER Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. [heading in] GEORGE Where are you goin'.. KRAMER The Ball, silly. GEORGE [afraid not] No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there. KRAMER George. I thought you were gonna Change. GEORGE [impatient] For her. Not for you. KRAMER [light admonishing, under breath] Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home.. [They start struggling quietly, KRAMER's trying to just walk by, and GEORGE is trying to restrain him without attracting too much attention.] GEORGE All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh! [GEORGE had KRAMER in a slightly spinning hold--by holding the back of KRAMER's tux--but the material tore away, and this sent KRAMER spinning into the room with the back torn off his tux! Strangely, this is well-received by WILHELM!] WILHELM Wow! What an, Entrance! [friendly, to GEORGE] And eh, who might this be? KRAMER Oh, I'm with him. WILHELM Oh. Ah-ha.. [Meanwhile at the Memorial, ELAINE is still at the podium. She has her chin in her hand while talking, weary of making up things and of acting mournful.] ELAINE And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market. PETERMAN Elaine! May I say a few words. ELAINE Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. [steps down] PETERMAN [steps up to the podium, refreshed] Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good. JERRY [proud to PEGGY, under his breath] Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. [winks] [ELAINE (who has returned to her seat) catches JERRY's eye. Though we don't see her face, his drops and he sobers it up.] PETERMAN But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. [sighs] An' nowww.. Susie is gone. MIKE [running in, still hoarse, desperate!] Hold on! Hol--on! Susie didn't commit suicide! [rushes up to podium!] She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld! [While MIKE's pointing at JERRY and everyone's looking, JERRY looks back at PEGGY again.] JERRY [smugly, under-his-breath] Not only that, I broke his thumbs. [PEGGY and ELAINE look at him strangely as he grins during such an inappropriate moment.] [After dark, PETERMAN and ELAINE are sitting and talking in his office.] PETERMAN Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved. ELAINE Mr. Peterman.. [leaning forward, whispering] I'm Susie.. She's me.. PETERMAN [leans forward, whispers carefully] I feel the same way. [announcing] And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you have. [leaving, pats her shoulders confidently] ELAINE [looks up, screaming in frustration!] Suuuuuuuuuuze! [(During her screaming up to the air, the camera was over her, looking down, and turning around and around, just like it had when GEORGE found out that he was going to be running a foundation in honor of Susan!)] THE END |
THE PEN | THE PEN Written by Larry David (Night club) JERRY I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back." (Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents) HELEN (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again. MORTY (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here. HELEN Oh I think that's them! MORTY You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it. (Jerry and Elaine enter) ALL Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. MORTY Welcome to Florida! ELAINE Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug) JERRY Hey, there's the old man! (hug) MORTY So, what took you so long? JERRY We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. HELEN I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up. JERRY What's the difference? HELEN You could have used our car. JERRY I don't wanna use your car. HELEN What's wrong with our car? JERRY Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it? HELEN We don't use it. MORTY What are you talking? We use it. HELEN If you were using it, we wouldn't use it. JERRY So what would you do? You'd hitch? HELEN How much is a rent-a-car? JERRY I don't know. 25 bucks a day. HELEN What? You're crazy. MORTY Plus the insurance. JERRY Oh, I didn't get the insurance. MORTY How could you not get the insurance? HELEN We'll pay for the car. JERRY You're not paying for it. HELEN Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't) JERRY God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? HELEN You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready? JERRY It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech? HELEN Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines. JERRY (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd. ELAINE (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake? JERRY The lake isn't real. HELEN The lake is real. MORTY Are you kidding? They built the lake. HELEN But it's real. It's water. (Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room) HELEN Where are you going with those? JERRY I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here. HELEN Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom. ELAINE I can't take your bedroom. HELEN I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning. ELAINE I can't kick you out of your bed. HELEN We don't even sleep. JERRY Ma. HELEN But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. JERRY (to Morty) What about you? MORTY Why should I be comfortable? JERRY (to Helen) What about him? HELEN Don't worry, he's comfortable. MORTY I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine. HELEN Will you stop? ELAINE Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room) HELEN (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together. JERRY No that's not such a good idea. HELEN Well I tought that... JERRY Not now. She's right inside. HELEN (quieter) What happened? JERRY I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple. HELEN What does that mean? JERRY Well... MORTY (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering? JERRY Shh! Nothing, nothing. HELEN Elaine... MORTY (still loud) What about her? JERRY (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangments, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together. MORTY (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends. HELEN He's an idealist. MORTY What the hell are you looking for? JERRY I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking. HELEN He likes looking. MORTY So look. HELEN But how long can you look? JERRY I'm going for the record. (Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry) HELEN You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. JERRY Oh, come on. HELEN This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association. this is Jack and Doris, neigboors) MORTY Aha! DORIS So they arrived safely. MORTY (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris? JERRY Nice to meet you. This is Elaine. ELAINE Hi. Nice to meet you. JACK So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this? ELAINE And scuba diving. HELEN Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? JERRY We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time. HELEN What do you have to go scuba diving for? JERRY For fun. HELEN For fun? MORTY Jack have some spong cake. JACK No. thanks, no. MORTY Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing. JACK So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skit tommsorow? JERRY I don't think so. JACK No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). MORTY What did you have? You had the minute steak? JACK Yeah. MORTY Did you have a coke or what? JACK I did NOT have a coke. MORTY Somebody had a coke. HELEN Oh I had a coke. DORIS And I had the scampi. JACK So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip. MORTY All right. Make it 20 bucks. JACK It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check) MORTY 19.45$ ? JACK See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president. (Jerry notices Klompus's pen) JERRY What kind of pen is that? JACK This pen? JERRY Yeah. JACK This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space. JERRY Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it? JACK Oh it was a gift. JERRY Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen works. JACK Take the pen. JERRY Oh no. JACK Go ahead. JERRY I couldn't JACK Come on, take the pen! JERRY I can't take it. JACK Do me a personal favor! JERRY No, I'm not... JACK Take the pen! JERRY I cannot take it! JACK Take the pen! JERRY Are you sure? JACK Positive! Take the pen! JERRY O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy! HELEN Jack, what are you doing? JACK Stop it! DORIS Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice to meeting you. ELAINE Mmm, nice to meet you. JERRY Thanks again. JACK Come on! DORIS (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave) HELEN (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for? JERRY What he gave it to me. HELEN You didn't have to take it. MORTY Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything. JERRY He offered it to me. HELEN Because you made such a big fuss about it. JERRY I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it? HELEN You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute) JERRY He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket. HELEN He loves that pen. MORTY Oh come on! HELEN He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. JERRY If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. HELEN He didn't think you'd accpet. JERRY Well, he was wrong. HELEN I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at their argument) JERRY So you want me to return it? HELEN Yes. MORTY He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous. JERRY Hey I don't even want the pen now! MORTY Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho! ELAINE Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside down. (scene ends) (condo's guest room) (Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep) (knock on door) ELAINE Come in. JERRY Are you O.K. in here? ELAINE Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this? JERRY It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really. ELAINE Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. JERRY Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule. ELAINE I am never gonna fall asleep. JERRY Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me. ELAINE How can they not put the air conditioning on? JERRY They're nuts with temperature. ELAINE This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent. JERRY How about that guy writing a check for 19.45? ELAINE I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating. JERRY It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) (scene ends) (condo, morning) (Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.) MORTY Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me? JERRY Stay on Biscayne. HELEN You're going underwater? JERRY Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done. HELEN What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special? JERRY What's so special up here? (Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain) ELAINE Oh! (everybody get up and walk to her) HELEN What's the matter? ELAINE My back. HELEN What happened? ELAINE That... That bed. The bar was right in my back. HELEN (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there. JERRY Then YOU would be hunched over. ELAINE I don't even know if I can go scuba diving. JERRY You can't go? HELEN So stay home. ELAINE You can go. JERRY Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here. HELEN Don't go. JERRY You sure? MORTY Maybe you should see a doctor. JERRY We'll stay in a hotel tonight. ELAINE (whispering to Jerry) Yes! HELEN No, we'll stay in there. JERRY Why don't you get a new sofa? MORTY Nobody uses it. JERRY I'm buying you a new sofa. HELEN Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy. ELAINE Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on. HELEN You're hot? ELAINE I've lost 6 pounds. HELEN I don't even know how to work it. MORTY I keep telling her it's like an oven in here. (Evelyn, a neighboor, enters) EVELYN Is everybody up? JERRY Hi. How are you? EVELYN Hello Jerry. JERRY Evelyn, this is Elaine. ELAINE (with pain) Hi Evelyn. EVELYN Jerry you got thin. JERRY Too thin? HELEN Oh stop worrying so much about how you look. EVELYN So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question) JERRY (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What? EVELYN The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you. HELEN How did you know that? EVELYN Blanche told me. HELEN Blanche? EVELYN That's some good pen. It writes upside down. ELAINE The astronauts use them. HELEN What did Blanche say? EVELYN I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen. JERRY I never really wanted the pen. MORTY He gave him the pen. HELEN Morty. EVELYN Why you don't like the pen? JERRY No, no, I... EVELYN Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him. HELEN Is that what she said? EVELYN Who? HELEN Blanche. EVELYN What are you talking about? (The phone rings, Helen answers.) HELEN Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.) ELAINE Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER! MORTY (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it. (the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.) JERRY All I said was "I like the pen". (Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner) MORTY How the hell do you work this thing? (scene ends) (still the condo, later) (Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing) HELEN Maybe you shouldn't go tonight. ELAINE No no, I wanna go. HELEN But your back hurts. MORTY Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help. ELAINE Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. HELEN No. I'm fine. ELAINE You're not too cold? HELEN No. (Jerry enters with a black eye) JERRY Don't be alarmed. MORTY Oh my God! What the hell happened to you? JERRY I'm O.K. My capillaries burst. HELEN Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like? JERRY (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing? ELAINE Having a good time! JERRY Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? HELEN What happened to your eyes? JERRY Well I started to go under... HELEN With the instructor? JERRY Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. HELEN I told you... (Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar) JACK Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga? ELAINE My back hurts. JACK Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready. MORTY We got plenty of time. JACK (to Jerry) What happened to you? JERRY I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool. HELEN It's from scuba diving. JACK What's there to see underwater? give him back the pen) JERRY Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. JACK You what? JERRY I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he tends the pen to Jack) JACK Well I mean... JERRY Take it. JACK All right! (he smiles and take it) (Morty gets up and walks right to Jack) MORTY You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. JACK Whose pen? MORTY His pen. JACK This happens to be my pen. MORTY You didn't give it to him. JACK What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it. MORTY Where do you come off with this crap? JACK Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? MORTY You said you didn't want it! JACK Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake! MORTY Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? (Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing) JACK Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape! MORTY Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it! JACK Don't worry about it! I'll give it back! MORTY I don't want it! JACK I don't want it! MORTY You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here! JACK Listen do you think I give a damn? MORTY Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it for them. JERRY What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes? HELEN I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands) JERRY Isn't he supposed to be the emcee? MORTY yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. JERRY Well. This should be a very interesting evening. ELAINE (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers? (scene ends) (reception room, evening) (Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle relaxers.) PHOTOGRAPHER Say astronaut. (Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of the camera.) ELAINE Say what? (laughing) Say what? JERRY (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills. MORTY Astronaut? HELEN Say it. ELAINE (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut! (the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.) MORTY Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you? JERRY Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella) JERRY (to Leo) Uncle Leo. LEO Hello! STELLA Morty are you nervous? MORTY What nervous? LEO (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson? JERRY I've got a black eye. STELLA (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello. JERRY Elaine, this is my aunt Stella. HELEN (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA! JERRY (to Stella) Her back hurts. STELLA Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week. LEO I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. JERRY No, no. LEO You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already. ELAINE (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA! LEO Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. MORTY What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department! LEO You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down. (Jack and Morty exchange a look.) STELLA (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this. HELEN (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison. "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.) JACK (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan. MORTY (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him) JACK Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy) HELEN (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking. JACK His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents. MORTY (to Jack, loud) That's what you say. JACK But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing) MORTY (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up) JERRY Dad! MORTY (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that! JACK He gave it to me! MORTY Come on. That's enough, sit down! JACK I'm not sitting down! (they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight) JACK Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.) HELEN Jerry, do your act. JERRY (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening. HELEN They're all gonna leave. JERRY (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry) MAN IN THE CROWD Who are you? JERRY (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes? WOMAN IN THE CROWD (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class. (Elaine is almost asleep at the table) JERRY Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? MAN IN THE CROWD I'd rather have a bottle of scotch! HELEN (to Jerry) Do the dog routine. JERRY All I said was I liked the pen! ELAINE (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA! (Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears) (scene ends) (condo, morning) (Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still asleep in the guest room) CHIROPRACTOR You could aggravated. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. ELAINE Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? JERRY There must be some mistake. CHIROPRACTOR I'm afraid not. ELAINE (discouraged) Five days. Here. HELEN (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days! JERRY (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be... ELAINE Excuse me? JERRY Nothing. (Evelyn enters) EVELYN Good morning. JERRY Hi Evelyn. EVELYN (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet? HELEN I don't think so. EVELYN Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case. HELEN I'll ask him when he gets up. EVELYN Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to. (Morty gets up in a bad shape) MORTY Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? HELEN I was very comfortable. EVELYN Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out. HELEN It's in the constitution. MORTY (to the chiro) Who are you? CHIROPRACTOR I'm a chiropractor. MORTY What are you kidding me? ELAINE (to Jerry) Five more days? JERRY Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) (scene ends) (night club, closing monologue) THE END |
MALE UNBONDING | MALE UNBONDING Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, the Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold." (Jerry's apartment building) (Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator) GEORGE I had to say something. I had to say something. Everything was going so well; I had to say something. JERRY I don't think you did anything wrong. GEORGE I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you. JERRY We can only thank God for that. (Elevator opens, they get on) GEORGE I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It's only a matter of time now. JERRY You're imagining this. Really. GEORGE Oh no. No, no, no, no. (elevator doors close) GEORGE I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. JERRY What floss? When? GEORGE We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. JERRY Ah, mint. GEORGE Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just.. (eleveator doors open, they get off) JERRY So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. GEORGE If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. JERRY And you're sure the floss was the catalyst? GEORGE Yes, I am. JERRY (looks at a carrying pouch George is wearing) You don't think it might've had anything to do with that? GEORGE What? You don't like this? JERRY It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. (they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the phone) KRAMER Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone to Jerry.) JERRY (to Kramer) Who is it? KRAMER Take it. JERRY Who is it? KRAMER It's for you. JERRY (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back.. Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's just my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone. KRAMER Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you JERRY Maybe I didn't want to talk to him. KRAMER Well, why not? JERRY He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. GEORGE What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We're not going? JERRY We're going. That's next Wednesday. GEORGE Oh. Who is this guy? JERRY His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so self-involved. (phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket) KRAMER That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie. JERRY Can you conduct your business elsewhere? KRAMER (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer leaves Jerry's apartment while still on the phone.) GEORGE I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that. JERRY I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention. GEORGE I don't understand why you spend time with this guy. JERRY What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him "I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy. At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it. GEORGE No, no, no,no you have to approach this as if he was a woman. JERRY Just break up with him? GEORGE Absolutely. You just tell him the truth. (scene ends) (Nightclub) JERRY As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?" (Coffee Shop) (Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table) JOEL ..so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo. JERRY You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really - interesting.. he would- JOEL (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already! JERRY (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer. JOEL I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic. JERRY Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it is Farsi. JOEL Do you think I need a haircut? (waitress comes to their table) WAITRESS Are you ready? JERRY Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat. JOEL Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't want that processed turkey. I hate it. WAITRESS I think it's real turkey. JOEL Is there a real bird in the back? WAITRESS No, there's not bird but- JOEL Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? (waitress leaves) JOEL (cont.) Unbelievable.. JERRY How can you talk to someone like that? JOEL What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? JERRY Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you. JOEL Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into. JERRY AND JOEL Howard metro. JOEL He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time. We're great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello. JERRY ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see each other anymore. JOEL what? JERRY This friendship.. it's not working. JOEL Not working? What are you talking about? JERRY We're just not suited to be friends. JOEL How can you say that? JERRY Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we don't have anything in common. JOEL (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me.. I want to know. JERRY You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's.. this is very difficult. JOEL Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy. JERRY No, it's not that. JOEL (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to. JERRY Oh, come on. That's not true. JOEL I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan! JERRY I know, I know. JOEL I mean, you're my best friend. JERRY Best friend? I've never been to your apartment. JOEL I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't believe it. JERRY Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id didn't mean it. JOEL Didn't mean what? JERRY What I said. I've been under a lot of stress. JOEL Oh, you've been under a lot of stress. JERRY Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on. JOEL Tonight? JERRY No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight. JOEL Do you really want me to go? JERRY (faking) Yes. JOEL Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday. JERRY Next Wednesday. JOEL Where is that waitress?! Hey! .. (scene ends) (Bank) (Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying a jug full of pennies.) GEORGE ..she calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." JERRY Uh, the four worst words in the English language. GEORGE That, or "Who's bra is this?" JERRY That is worse. GEORGE So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's "not working". JERRY Really. GEORGE So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or do I eat? JERRY Hm? You ate. GEORGE We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. JERRY Someone says, "Get out of my life!" and that doesn't affect your appetite? GEORGE Have you ever had their egg salad? JERRY It is unbelievable. GEORGE It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich. JERRY (looking at George's penny jug) How much could you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know guy who took his vacation on change. JERRY Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade? GEORGE (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy. JERRY C'mon, move up. (George moves up in the bank line) CUSTOMER Oh great, Ewing's hurt. GEORGE Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out? CUSTOMER A couple of days at the most but.. GEORGE Geez. JERRY Oh, God. GEORGE I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. JERRY Listen, George, little problem with the game. GEORGE What about it? JERRY The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.. GEORGE What? JERRY I geve your ticket to Horneck. GEORGE You what?! JERRY Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. GEORGE No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck? JERRY (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, move up. GEORGE Why did you give him my ticket for? JERRY You didn't see him. It was horrible. GOERGE Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this. JERRY I had to do it. (George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.) GEORGE Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills? TELLER I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that. JERRY Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind. GEORGE I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before. TELLER Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself. GEORGE You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?! (Scene ends.) (Nightclub) JERRY I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please." (Jerry's apartment) (George is stuffing pennies into rolls.) GEORGE ..Thirty-two, thirty-three- JERRY George. GEORGE (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts to himself). JERRY Could you stop the counting? GEORGE Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?! JERRY Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty bucks for the jug. GEORGE Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money. JERRY Well, then I'm not going to the game either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets. GEORGE (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife in his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go! JERRY I.. no, I don't want to go. GEORGE He was really crying? JERRY I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't go to the game either. GEORGE Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we could go? JERRY George, the man wept. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza idea, is really going to happen. GEORGE This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? KRAMER Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and they - you slide it into the oven. GOERGE You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven. KRAMER It's all supervised. GEORGE Oh, well. KRAMER All of it. You want to invest? GEORGE My money's all tied up in change right now. KRAMER No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. JERRY I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.. but that's me. KRAMER That's you. JERRY I'm just saying.. KRAMER Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys. JERRY Okay. KRAMER You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back through the door) One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie. (he leaves) (Jerry dials up Joel) JERRY Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window.. And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up). GEORGE Trapezoid? JERRY I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex. (Scene ends.) (Jerry's apartment, night time) ELAINE Come on, let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. JERRY Okay. ELAINE Want to go get something to eat? JERRY Where do you want to go? ELAINE I don't care, I'm not hungry. JERRY We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. ELAINE What are we gonna do there? Talk? JERRY We can talk. ELAINE I'll go if I don't have to talk. JERRY We'll just sit there. ELAINE Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.) ELAINE (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy." JERRY Okay, just ahnd that over, please. ELAINE Oh, what is this? JERRY It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing? ELAINE I got some for you. JERRY I don't need anymore. ELAINE No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house." JERRY (sarcastic) Very funny. ELAINE How about: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan." JERRY I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please? ELAINE (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile. JERRY What can I do? ELAINE Deal with it. Be a man! JERRY Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, tears accompanied by mucus. ELAINE You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I got the cab. JERRY A couple of touch monkeys. (Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.) KRAMER Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! JERRY Game? KRAMER Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat! JERRY Wait. How does Horneck know you? KRAMER Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea! JERRY This is too much. ELAINE Wait, what pizza place idea? JERRY Oh, no. KRAMER You make your own pie! ELAINE Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. JOEL (from the hallway.)Kramer.. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Perfect. (Horneck enters.) JOEL Hey.. KRAMER Okay, who wants meatloaf? JERRY AND ELAINE No thanks. KRAMER (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits) JOEL So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? JERRY Oh, we finished early. JOEL Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your - nephew? JERRY Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. ELAINE Hi. JOEL Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? JERRY We're still friends. JOEL So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why don't you come along? ELAINE Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've got choir practice. JERRY Right. I forgot about choir. ELAINE We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems. JERRY Right. You know, the wall being down and everything. JOEL (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. (Jerry shakes his head.) ELAINE Huh... Thursday is not good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors. JOEL You know, I should really try something like that. JERRY You really should. JOEL Well, let's just take a look here. (looks at his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You can't miss Air Jordan.. (Scene ends.) (Nightclub) JERRY You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always your friends and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time." THE END |
THE CADILLAC PART 2 | THE CADILLAC PART 2 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position. JERRY Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed? Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up. JERRY Hello? On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York. ELAINE (flirtatious) Hi Jerry. JERRY Elaine? Wh..what's going on? Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats playfully with Jerry. ELAINE (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little. JERRY (a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables? Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's comment. ELAINE Well, it's just two hours by plane... JERRY Gee, I dunno what to tell you. There is a beep from Elaine's phone. ELAINE Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry. Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call. ELAINE Yeah? The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing gown. GEORGE (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number! ELAINE (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number. George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch. GEORGE Yeahhh. ELAINE Goodbye. Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with Jerry. ELAINE (smiling and flirty) Hi. JERRY Hi. ELAINE So, what d'you think? JERRY Uh, I don't think so. ELAINE (disappointed) Oh. JERRY I'll be back on Monday. ELAINE Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer. JERRY Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you. Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks. ELAINE (urgent) Jerry? Jerry? JERRY (putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah. ELAINE (breathy) Bye. JERRY Bye. Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine. (Kramer's Apartment) The phone rings and Kramer picks up. KRAMER Hello. Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on the phone. He's writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer. JOHN Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed. Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the cable guy's tricks. KRAMER Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it? JOHN Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of the wires. KRAMER Oh, you don't say. Kramer walks to his window as he listens. JOHN (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment and do a safety check. Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there is no cable guy in the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the phone. KRAMER (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good. JOHN (confused) What're you talking about? Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back on the table. John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief. (Monk's) Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy, and comes over. GEORGE Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) And I wasn't even that nervous. Elaine watches George, as he rambles on. GEORGE You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm... ELAINE (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week? Elaine rises. GEORGE Hey, where you going? ELAINE I got stuff to do. GEORGE What? You can't leave yet. ELAINE Why not? GEORGE We have to discuss my alibi. ELAINE Alibi? What does that have to do with me? GEORGE I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida. ELAINE Oh, so you wanna say you were with me? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me. Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George. GEORGE Wait a second, wait. Why are we together? ELAINE What is the difference? GEORGE Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. Hmm? Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows his brow in concentration. GEORGE Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you? George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets a flash of inspiration. ELAINE Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me. Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture. GEORGE (dismissive) It's no good. Elaine looks offended. ELAINE (pointedly) Okay. Fine. GEORGE What? ELAINE I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion. GEORGE Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process. ELAINE I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful. GEORGE (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about. ELAINE (weary) Okay. GEORGE Alright? ELAINE Okay. GEORGE Okay. ELAINE Fine. GEORGE Good. ELAINE Fine, fine, fine. The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George gets the inspiration. GEORGE Okay. How about this? ELAINE What? GEORGE (pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation. ELAINE I don't have a boyfriend. GEORGE (still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do. ELAINE (not convinced) Ech. GEORGE It's good. Believe me. ELAINE I thought my idea was just as good. GEORGE The dentist thing? ELAINE (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing. GEORGE Alright, the dentist thing was not good. ELAINE Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he? GEORGE (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay. ELAINE (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend? GEORGE That's your boyfriend. ELAINE What does he do? GEORGE He's an importer. ELAINE Just imports? No exports? GEORGE (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay? ELAINE Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing? GEORGE (thoughtful) Yes. Yes. ELAINE (sighs) Yi-yi-yi. Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought. ELAINE Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both? Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical, and Elaine seems offended again. ELAINE (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either? GEORGE It's very complicated. ELAINE (definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right? George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down. (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless Morty fusses around. MORTY What're you doing? Are you making coffee? HELEN Yeah. MORTY Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too. HELEN Morty, you're driving me crazy. MORTY Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to impeach me, I'll be a laughing stock. HELEN You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences. The doorbell chimes. MORTY There she is. Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate enters. MORTY Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate. HELEN Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat. MRS. CHOATE No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat. HELEN Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something? MRS. CHOATE Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it. HELEN I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf you're wearing. Where did you get it? Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch. MRS. CHOATE Ahh, they're a dime a dozen. Jerry enters. HELEN Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry. Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as he recognises Mrs Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye". (New York Street, "The Rye") Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag. JERRY Gimme that rye! MRS. CHOATE Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help! Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip. JERRY Shut up, you old bag! Jerry races away down the street with the rye. MRS. CHOATE (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye! (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry manages to regain a normal expression. JERRY Nice to meet you. MRS. CHOATE Hello. MORTY (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came from New York, didn't you? Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate connecting him with New York. MRS. CHOATE Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the street? Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers and cups from the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate. HELEN (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal a rye? MORTY That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything. MRS. CHOATE They're like savages. JERRY Yeah, there's some sickos out there. MRS. CHOATE (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met? JERRY You ever go to Camp Tiyoga? HELEN Maybe you've seen him on television. MORTY Jerry's a comedian. MRS. CHOATE Naw, I don't watch TV. Jerry has moved rapidly to the door. JERRY (opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you. MORTY Jerry, don't go. JERRY Ah, I think I'll go. Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him. MRS. CHOATE So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want? (George's Apartment) Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat, heading for the door. SUSAN Hey, where're you going? GEORGE Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine. SUSAN Elaine? What for? GEORGE I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing. SUSAN I didn't even know she was dating anyone. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay. SUSAN So what does he do? GEORGE He's an importer-exporter. SUSAN What kind of problems are they having? GEORGE (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing. Susan looks unconvinced. SUSAN Are you having an affair with Elaine? GEORGE (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine. SUSAN Huh? George gives a smile and slides out the door. (Street) Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries. He becomes aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind him. Kramer shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is in a position he can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image of a Plaza Cable truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run. (Another Street) Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile comes to his face, as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a little shrug of satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and begins to walk on, with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the cable truck comes to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head him off. The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger through the truck window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter bin, drops his groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his truck and begins to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning his groceries, sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit. (Variety of New York locations) Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later, by the cable guy. Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and then sets off running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same wall and sets off after Kramer. Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the cable guy just a few yards behind. Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of the roof and looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly behind him, for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings. Despite his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up, and leaps across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks himself up and sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the same gap, looks down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting the leap. NICK (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! You won't get away with this! (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters. MORTY Alright, are you ready to eat? HELEN (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner. Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and holding a comic book he's been reading. JERRY (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it? HELEN (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty. JERRY (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty? MORTY By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five. JERRY I don't understand why we have to eat now. HELEN We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and six. MORTY Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six? JERRY Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay? HELEN You're not buying us dinner. JERRY (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that! HELEN Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard of. Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his comic book. (Park) George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and Marisa's looking interested, smiling and laughing. GEORGE ...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. Ma-newer , right? MARISA (laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. 'Ma' and the 'newer'. Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily. MARISA Did you just make that up? GEORGE What, you think I'm doing material here? MARISA (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously funny. GEORGE (modest) And I'm a little tired. Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously. MARISA So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken? GEORGE Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged. Marisa's face falls in disappointment. MARISA What? GEORGE I'm, you know, engaged. Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches George in the face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful spot where he received the blow. (Outside Scott's, Florida) A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives up to the front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right by the entrance. JERRY Hey look, there's a spot right in front. MORTY Always, Jerry. Always. The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's emerge Jack and Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick DORIS Was that delicious or what? JACK Where you gonna get a better meal than that? DORIS Better than Danny's. JACK Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon! The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus duo. MORTY Hello Jack. HELEN Doris. DORIS Hello, hello. JERRY Jack. DORIS Hello, Jerry. JERRY Hi Doris. JACK Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird. MORTY Yeah, so? JACK (pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money. Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant. JACK Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac. Morty is looking confident, even smug. MORTY They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes. JACK That's what you think. MORTY We'll see. JACK Yes, we will. JERRY Awright, let's eat already. The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the Cadillac. (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious looking Susan. ELAINE Hi, Susan. SUSAN Hi. ELAINE Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat. Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door. SUSAN (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question. ELAINE Oh, sure. SUSAN (dead serious) Are you having an affair with George? ELAINE (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no. Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard. ELAINE (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep... Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies away. ELAINE ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George? SUSAN Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some problem that you were having. ELAINE (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend. SUSAN Art Vandelay? ELAINE Yeah, Art Vandelay. SUSAN I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot. ELAINE (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay. SUSAN Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay? ELAINE It is so forgotten. SUSAN Alright. Susan moves toward the door. ELAINE Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem. Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her. SUSAN So, was George helpful at all? ELAINE (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter. SUSAN (not convinced) Yeah. ELAINE (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing. SUSAN (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting. ELAINE What'd I say? SUSAN The importing. ELAINE (caught out) I did. Uh... SUSAN So, what does he uh, import? ELAINE (extemporising) Uh... chips. SUSAN Oh. What kinda chips? ELAINE Potato. SUSAN Ah. ELAINE (embroidering) Some corn. SUSAN And what does he export? ELAINE Diapers. SUSAN (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you. ELAINE Oh, no, it's okay. Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes the door. ELAINE Okay. The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her phone and dials a number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate for a response. ELAINE (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up. (George's Apartment) Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens and George enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him. GEORGE Hi. SUSAN Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import? George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment before replying. GEORGE Matches? Long matches. Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George has received today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow, and Susan slams the door behind him. (Tenant's Committee, Florida) Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit beside each other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives are present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate coming in through the door. HERB ...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute here. We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld. Mrs Choate sits beside Morty. MORTY Nervous, Jack? JACK What for? MORTY Because I have the votes. Morty turns to Mrs Choate. MORTY Nice to see you, Mrs Choate. MRS. CHOATE Hello, Morty. Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs Choate. HERB Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach? RALPH What does that mean? HERB It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty. RALPH So why don't you say that? HERB Hey, I'm running the meeting. RALPH If you think so. HERB Building A? BUILDING A For impeachment. HERB Building B? BUILDING B Against impeachment. HERB Building C? BUILDING C For impeachment. HERB Building D? MRS. CHOATE Against impeachment. JACK (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag. Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She thinks back. (New York Street, "The Rye") Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing a marble rye. MRS. CHOATE Help! Someone help! JERRY Shut up, you old bag! Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street. MRS. CHOATE (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief! (Tenant's Committee, Florida) Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and addresses Morty. MRS. CHOATE It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where I saw him. He stole my marble rye. MORTY My son never stole anything. He's a good boy. RALPH They should lock him up. MRS. CHOATE (pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) I change my vote. I vote to impeach! BUILDING B Me too. I change my vote. HERB All those in favour, say aye. ALL Aye. HERB All opposed. Morty forlornly raises his hand. HERB The ayes have it. The motion passes. Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty. HERB Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. As vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is hereby installed as president. Jack stands to acknowledge the honour. HERB Hear, hear, Jack. Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud him. A disgruntled Morty remains silent. (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door. He knocks and there's no response. NICK (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) Anyway, that's it. The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens, and Kramer emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a few seconds. Then Kramer steps forward and they hug. (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home. Helen holds his coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him a blue hat. Jerry enters through the front door. JERRY The bags are in the car, I guess we better go. Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over her arm. Morty waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He stands by the door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits, closing the door behind him. (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they walk, they pass the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod acknowledgement. As they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands in the open door of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big smile, and arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before climbing into the car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and Morty slowly drives the Cadillac away. THE END |
THE INVITATIONS | THE INVITATIONS Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I think that if the wedding invitations were left up to the men, we'd just drive around sticking flyers in windshields ...y' know... Not even typed up either, just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!.. What's needed is a divorce announcement; Mr and Mrs Fred Johnson are requesting the honour of your presence at the "returning" of their daughter back to Mr,and Mrs Fred Johnson. (Outside Melody Stationeries) Susan and George walk into the store and go up the sales clerk. SUSAN Hi. CLERK Hi.. May I help you? SUSAN Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations. CLERK Ohh! Well...Congratulations SUSAN (happily) Thank you. GEORGE (mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you. CLERK When 's the wedding? SUSAN June GEORGE late June. CLERK Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front. George takes the binder and feigns browsing and flips right to the last page. GEORGE He..hmmm. humm...What about this one. CLERK Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check. SUSAN Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't want that. GEORGE What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do. SUSAN Why don't they make'em anymore? CLERK Well.. For one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick. GEORGE So we pick up some Elmers SUSAN (disappointed)All right. You see what I do for you. Scene cuts to the street as Susan and George are about to get into a cab. Kramer happens to walk by. GEORGE Hey! Kramer. KRAMER Hey! George.....Lily.. SUSAN No. Susan. KRAMER No. No It's Lily SUSAN I think I know my own name. GEORGE It's Susan KRAMER (lost for words) Well you look like a Lily... Scene cuts to Jerry's apt. George walks in . Jerry is coming out of his bedroom twiddling scissors. GEORGE It's coming Jerry, it's coming. JERRY What's coming? GEORGE The Day.. JERRY Ahhh...The Day.. GEORGE We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry , help me. JERRY why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over GEORGE I can't JERRY Why not? George; 'Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of scene that would be? i'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than go through something like that. (forceful) I CAN'T, I CAN'T. I tried to psyche myself up a million times I cannot go through that. JERRY All right take it easy, just take it easy. GEORGE What about a letter? JERRY A letter. GEORGE I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry. JERRY That's it? GEORGE What? Too short? BOTH Seems a little short, yeah.. JERRY You can't go to China What about your job? GEORGE My Job..arghhh JERRY So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me. GEORGE Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes? JERRY Aagh! You come back for your clothes GEORGE I'm not going back in there. JERRY So forget about your clothes. GEORGE Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!! Jerry; Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes. GEORGE If she'd just take a plane somewhere. JERRY And what, hope for a crash? GEORGE It happens. JERRY You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one. GEORGE It's something . It's hope. Elaine comes through the door ELAINE Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa.. JERRY Euhh...Elaine.... ELAINE What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party? GEORGE What do you mean? ELAINE Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be? GEORGE I don't know. I don't think you're anything. ELAINE Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend....What about being a bridesmaid. GEORGE Those are Susan's friends. ELAINE Well then...aaahh how about being an usher? GEORGE Well...I'll ask Susan about it later. ELAINE You don't ask.. You tell. GEORGE ( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter? JERRY Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do? ELAINE Start smoking. GEORGE Smoking. JERRY Does she hate cigarettes? GEORGE Yes, she hates cigarettes. JERRY But you don't smoke. GEORGE Nooooooo...... Scene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking JERRY You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding. ELAINE Really? JERRY Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again. ELAINE Yeah! You're probably right. JERRY Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer. ELAINE No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out. JERRY So it's just gonna be me and Kramer. ELAINE Yep! just you and Kramer. Elaine walks away JERRY See you ... me and Kramer... Daydreaming sequence set in Jerry's apt. in a probable future. Kramer pops in. They look a little older. KRAMER Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic. JERRY (annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car. KRAMER Huh! You make a higher roof. JERRY They're not making higher roofs. KRAMER why can't you make a higher roof. JERRY Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid... As Jerry slowly comes out of his doze he is about to cross the street as a car comes to him at high speed. JERRY .....Stupid , stupid. JEANNIE Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay? JERRY Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life. JEANNIE Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that. JERRY oh! thank you. JEANNIE You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. If that bothers you. JERRY Well I... JEANNIE You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste. JERRY What? JEANNIE The shirt you got on under your sweather.It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar. JERRY I'm Jerry Seinfeld. JEANNIE Jeannie Steinman. JERRY Hey! Same initials . How do you like that? JEANNIE I like it. George and Susan at their apt. GEORGE Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding SUSAN No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either. George; Why not? SUSAN He doesn't even know my name. GEORGE That was an honest mistake. SUSAN Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony. George takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out. GEORGE Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right. SUSAN Whadda doing? GEORGE (shrugs and lights it up) SUSAN Since when do you smoke? GEORGE (coughs) I've always smoked. SUSAN I've never seen you smoke. GEORGE Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know.....I got no will power. SUSAN I don't like this one bit. GEORGE Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...(words missing) SUSAN Well you are gonna have to quit. George sprints to the bathroom GEORGE Oh my god.... At Monks. WAITRESS Menus? JERRY No. I know what I want. WAITRESS The usual? JERRY Yeah., WAITRESS And for you? JEANNIE I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to much milk. WAITRESS Ok Two bowls of Cheerios. JEANNIE You too.?... JERRY Yeah!!! At Jerry's. Kramer comes in Jerry is on the couch. KRAMER Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello? JERRY Uh! Really .That's nice. KRAMER Now what's with you? JERRY I think I'm in love. KRAMER Oh. Come on. JERRY No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream. KRAMER If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too. JERRY No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on. KRAMER What? JERRY Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet. KRAMER You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME OUT!!! At the HOME FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK Kramer walks up to a teller. KRAMER Hey! TELLER Hey! KRAMER Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello. TELLER Yes I did KRAMER No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars. TELLER No, No I said Hello. KRAMER No, No You said Hey! TELLER Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing. Kramer; The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello TELLER You're taking that much to literally. Now sir , do you have any business to transact. KRAMER No, I want to speak to the manager. TELLER Well, He's not here right now. KRAMER Then I'll be back. In Jerry's hallway ELAINE So I'm not gonna be an usher? GEORGE No.. ELAINE So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing. GEORGE Well Kramer's not an usher anymore. Kramer; What are you talking about? GEORGE You've been demoted. Kramer; Why? GEORGE Because you called her by the wrong name. KRAMER But she really looks like a Lily ELAINE Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding. KRAMER Yeah. me neither. JERRY (shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding GEORGE Who!!? JERRY I just met her, she's incredible. ELAINE Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers. JERRY You can go with Kramer KRAMER No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered. GEORGE Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing. ELAINE Did you try the cigarettes? GEORGE Yeah.. They made me sick. KRAMER All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ? GEORGE Yeah... KRAMER All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup. GEORGE What does that mean? KRAMER Ask her to sign a pre-nup. GEORGE What does that do? KRAMER Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage. GEORGE They are?... Elaine? ELAINE I wouldn't sign one. GEORGE Pre-nup of course ..Kramer.... KRAMER Get out of here. George and Susan at their apt. GEORGE Hi. SUSAN Hi. Hey I've been going over the list .What about The Drake? Wanna invite him? GEORGE Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me. SUSAN What is it? GEORGE Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement. SUSAN A pre-nup? GEORGE Yeah. SUSAN (burst out laughing) GEORGE What's so funny? SUSAN Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup... Cheesy scenes of Jerry and Jeannie enjoying each other in the park , at the grocery store, comparing comic books and making out. Interrupted by Kramer as he slams into Jerry's locked door. JERRY Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door) KRAMER Jerry.... hey Jeannie. JEANNIE Hello. KRAMER Remember I told you about the bank? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey! JERRY Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie. JEANNIE Yeah I think it's the same thing. KRAMER Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated) Scene takes us to George's again. We hear a buzzer. DELIVERY MAN Delivery from Melody Stationaries. SUSAN Oh those are the invitations. DELIVERY MAN Just sign there. SUSAN yeah! Thank you. GEORGE See ya later. SUSAN Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping. To Jerry's again KRAMER Hey JERRY Hey. KRAMER Jeannie left? JERRY Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight. KRAMER Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley. JERRY What's with you? KRAMER Nothin' JERRY Something on your mind? KRAMER No. JERRY Looks like there is? KRAMER No JERRY Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it. KRAMER I don't like her. JERRY You don't like her? KRAMER That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go. JERRY What's wrong with her? KRAMER Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much. JERRY Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either. KRAMER So THAT's how it's going to be JERRY That's how it's gonna be. KRAMER OH! GOD HELP US!!! Susan licking envelopes SUSAN Eurk.. Awful Jerry at the pier watching lovers and families considering his future and we get another look at Susan licking her envelopes, getting nauseous. Back to the Federal Home Savings Bank MANAGER May i help you? KRAMER Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello. MANAGER Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars. That's our policy. KRAMER yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money. MANAGER Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a second JIM Uh.. yes can you give me a minute. Manager; Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward pause) KRAMER (knocks on desk) Is thi oak? MANAGER 'think it's pine. KRAMER Pine is good. MANAGER Yeah. pine's okay. Jim the teller walks over JIM You want to see me MANAGER Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came in the other day , you didn't say hello? JIM No ,No that's not true, I said Hey! you know like a friendly greeting, Hey! KRAMER But that's not Hello. MANAGER That's a tough one. KRAMER Uhummm... MANAGER You know what , let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara ,Jane , Mike Can I see you please. BARBARA How you doin'? JANE What's happening? MIKE What's up? MANAGER ( to kramer) Can you excuse us for one minute . Just one minute. Kramer gets up a little confused and walks away. MANAGER Thanks.( they huddle) SOME GUY How's it going? MANAGER Thanks, thanks everybody.( they leave) Sir , have a seat. MANAGER Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling. You got a greeting starts with an H how's twenty bucks sound. KRAMER I'll take it. MANAGER awright sir ( they shake hands) Scene cuts to the Improv as Jerry walks into the club and sees Jeannie sitting at a table JERRY Will you marry me? Susan licks her last envelope and collapses. George is walking down a street looking depressed. We go back to the Improv. JERRY I would like to propose a toast....Wait a second.. George!, George Costanza come in here. JEANNIE Georgie boy.. JERRY George, big news; I'm getting married!! GEORGE Married , What!(astounded) JERRY September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors. JEANNIE ... all that crap. JERRY You see , I kept up my end of the pact. GEORGE Good for you (sympathetic) JERRY Hey look , Champagne.. GEORGE Hehehe. .(feebly) JERRY To our future wives....yeah... George returns home only to find..... Scene then cuts to Monks with Jerry and Jeannie arriving. JERRY Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee. JEANNIE Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go? JERRY (weakly) I dunno A guy suddenly gets up to leave then falls on the ground. JEANNIE That's a shame.. JERRY (to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee. JEANNIE Bowl of Corn flakes. JERRY More cereals? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch. JEANNIE Hey! So what's the deal with brunch , I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. How comes there's no lupper or no linner. Back to Jerry's , Kramer comes in.. KRAMER Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations. JERRY Thanks , thanks KRAMER Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry JERRY Yeah , yeah . KRAMER C'mon , c'mon what's the matter? JERRY I think I may have made a big mistake. KRAMER Oh! Come on. JERRY All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. .It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!! KRAMER (mocking) Too bad you got engaged. JERRY Yeah! Too bad. Phone rings, Jerry picks it up. JERRY Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there. KRAMER What happened? JERRY They just took Susan to the Hospital At the hospital. JERRY So she was just lying there. GEORGE Tsss...Yeah.. ELAINE I wonder what happened? GEORGE I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the doctor. DOCTOR Excuse me , Are you the husband? GEORGE Well , not yet.. Fianc�. DOCTOR Well , I'm sorry.....She's gone. GEORGE .........What's that?... DOCTOR She expired. GEORGE ...Are you sure? DOCTOR Yes , of course. GEORGE So.....She's dead? DOCTOR Yes GEORGE ...Huh! DOCTOR Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue? GEORGE ...Why? DOCTOR We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes. GEORGE Well she was sending out our wedding invitations. DOCTOR That's probably what did it. GEORGE We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you. Doctor leaves , George returns to the others GEORGE She's ahem....gone JERRY Dead? ELAINE I'm so sorry George JERRY Yeah! me too KRAMER Poor Lily.. JERRY How did it happen? GEORGE Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a....toxic. ALL Aah!.. KRAMER Well that's weird JERRY So I guess , you're not getting married? GEORGE (embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes. JERRY But.... GEORGE Yeah? JERRY Well , now I'm engaged.. GEORGE Yeah?... JERRY Well I thought we'd both be getting married. GEORGE Hey!.. What can I tell ya. ELAINE All right. (they start to leave except Jerry) GEORGE well humm.. lets get some coffee. JERRY WE HAD A PACT!!! (George at home on the phone) GEORGE Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello.. THE END |
THE APOLOGY | THE APOLOGY Written by Jennifer Crittenden JERRY, Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready. MELISSA, Oh, fantastic! I'm starving. JERRY, How about that. MELISSA, Mmm-hmm. GEORGE She ate breakfast naked? JERRY She didn't even want a napkin. GEORGE I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked. JERRY Oh, it's a scene. GEORGE It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic? JERRY I don't really have enough room. GEORGE, Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy. ELAINE Hey! PUDDY Hi. JERRY Hey. PUDDY, I got to make a pit stop. ELAINE, 'Kay. JERRY Back together? ELAINE His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot. JERRY Ah... ELAINE So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke. GEORGE 'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want? ELAINE He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago. JERRY Why now? ELAINE A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine is you have to apologize to anyone you've ever wronged. GEORGE Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me. JERRY Still with the neck hole? GEORGE Still upset. Very upset. ELAINE What neck hole? GEORGE Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years ago? He had that very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue. GEORGE I asked if I could borrow a sweater. JERRY A cashmere sweater. GEORGE I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front of the whole party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.' ELAINE Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! GEORGE Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did! ELAINE Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck? JERRY No, I think the head does most of the stretching. GEORGE Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time. ELAINE I really think it's the size of your neck. GEORGE It's my head! ELAINE Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ELAINE Hey. PEGGY Hey. ELAINE Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom. (Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the toilet) KRAMER You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower. JERRY That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there? KRAMER Showering. How long does it take you? JERRY Ten minutes. KRAMER, Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower? ELAINE Ten minutes. KRAMER Let me smell you. ELAINE All right. Whiff away. KRAMER, Uh... that's not bad at all. ELAINE, Hup! That's it. KRAMER, OK. ELAINE So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector. JERRY So? ELAINE So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate? JERRY, I think the damage is probably already done. JERRY, All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene. ELAINE, Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks. JERRY Mmm. KRAMER Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus! JERRY, Zephyr? That is not a word. MELISSA Do you challenge? JERRY No, I do not challenge. MELISSA 66 points. Ha ha. JERRY I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles. MELISSA You want some more ice tea? JERRY Sure. MELISSA, Wrong pipe. GEORGE, So she coughed. JERRY Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man. GEORGE Everything goes with naked. JERRY When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion. GEORGE Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked? JERRY But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke. GEORGE All right. It's grovel time. HANKE Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober, so I've been going through the Twelve Steps. GEORGE What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine? HANKE Yeah. Making amends. GEORGE Important step. Maybe the most important. HANKE Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry. JERRY Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it. HANKE (eyeing George, who's looking expectedly up at him): Great. Great. Well, I'll see you guys later. KRAMER, Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now. JERRY, You got some suds over here. KRAMER, Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong. JERRY Oh, come on! KRAMER No, I mean it, man. I'm lost! JERRY You promise you'll never come in here again? KRAMER, Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that. JERRY, Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another. KRAMER Well, that's how cats do it. JERRY But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity. KRAMER OK. Let's turn the water on now. JERRY No, I told you, it's just a dry run. GEORGE, Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory. JERRY That's Step Ten? GEORGE All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a prayer, and he's done. Do you believe this? KRAMER Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit? JERRY You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer. KRAMER Well, this has all been one big tease! ELAINE, These proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this will work. PEGGY, I'm... gonna get another bottle of water. WALTER, Here, take mine. There's a little left. PEGGY, Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh! HANKE, Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice cream. MAN #1 You get pretty buff forearms. HANKE I don't know if I'm into that. GEORGE, Oh, hello, Hanke, others. HANKE George. GEORGE You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... I didn't get my apology. HANKE Apology? For what? GEORGE A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game giveaway Metlife windbreaker? HANKE George, come on, not that neck hole thing. GEORGE Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would say you're sorry. HANKE No way, you would've completely stretched it out. GEORGE You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! Step Nine. HANKE All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater. KRAMER, Now see, that's smart. Constant motion. Wow. MAN IN SHOWER, Hey! KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this guy's really showing me something! KRAMER, You got a steak? JERRY What happened to you? KRAMER Ah, people in this city are crazy. JERRY, Here ya go. KRAMER, Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, a different one. JERRY, Oh! KRAMER Jerry! MELISSA, OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike. JERRY Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show. MELISSA, I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk. JERRY Please don't crouch. MELISSA Ouch! Caught my skin. JERRY Oh, that's bad. Especially that area. MELISSA You got anything to snack on? JERRY Uhh... MELISSA, Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one. JERRY Look, please stop! Let me help you with that! MELISSA, Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that. JERRY, I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much. ELAINE Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive? PEGGY You seem to be with a lot of men. ELAINE What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or there, but, wh-why is this your business? PEGGY It's not. Good day. Elaine, (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy. JERRY Well, technically he did apologize. GEORGE Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain! JERRY So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology? GEORGE That's right. I'm two in the hole! JERRY Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar. GEORGE Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked? JERRY Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball? GEORGE Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE, Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture! JERRY, Hello? KRAMER Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from! JERRY World War I plane? KRAMER No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew. JERRY When are ya gettin' out? KRAMER I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy. PETERMAN Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick. ELAINE Oh, please. PETERMAN She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense malaise. ELAINE Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right? PETERMAN I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed. ELAINE Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her mind, OK? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she's a wacko. GEORGE, So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor? SPONSOR Sponsor. GEORGE Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy. SPONSOR He's doing very well. He's already on to Step Ten. GEORGE Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you can go through them pretty quick. You can get through six a day. SPONSOR Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason? GEORGE I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me. SPONSOR I'm not sure what you want me to do. GEORGE Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up! When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby. SPONSOR You're quite upset, George. GEORGE Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two. SPONSOR Admit there's a higher power? GEORGE Yeah, let him chew on that for a while. SPONER You know George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting tomorrow. Why don't you just come by? GEORGE All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. GEORGE, By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic, so... KRAMER, Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. Calm down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, I'll call ya back. MELISSA, What are you doing? JERRY, I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here. MELISSA No, not that. Why are you naked? JERRY I thought naked is good. MELISSA, This isn't good naked. SPONSOR, George, here, have a seat. GEORGE, Where's Hanke? SPONSOR, Shhhhh. LEADER OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous. GEORGE What? Rate-aholics? SPONSOR George, this can help you. GEORGE Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge. LEADER Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these meetings. GEORGE Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?! LEADER Please don't call me 'Pinhead'. GEORGE I'm losin' it! JERRY, He took you to Rage-aholics? Why? GEORGE Probably because this whole Universe is against me! JERRY You've got a little rage. GEORGE I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad! JERRY By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work. GEORGE This bread has nuts in it! JERRY, Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body? ELAINE Chicken wing shoulder blades. JERRY That's it? ELAINE No, but that's one problem. Why? JERRY Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day-- ELAINE Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man. GEORGE Why not? It's a good look for a woman. ELAINE Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep. JERRY So you don't think it's attractive? ELAINE It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian. GEORGE Well, some women like it. ELAINE Hmm. Sickies. KRAMER, Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage lot. Oh, come on, Clarkman. PUDDY, Puddy. KRAMER Is, uh, David Puddy there? PUDDY This is Puddy. KRAMER Well, this is Kramer. PUDDY I know. KRAMER Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal? PUDDY Well, it's a big job. You've got to dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line. KRAMER No. It says 'main line'. PUDDY It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman? KRAMER Yeah. through it. KRAMER Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy. ELAINE Hey, Puddy. PUDDY Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for a balloon bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him. ELAINE Balloon bouquet? For who? PUDDY Peggy took a turn for the worst. ELAINE Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me? PUDDY That's what he said. ELAINE I don't believe this woman. PUDDY Talk to me, Babe. ELAINE She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick. PUDDY Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's about. ELAINE Huh? ELAINE What is this symbol? PUDDY It's a germ. PEGGY Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs. PUDDY Don't you? Elaine. (Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy) PUDDY I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago waking up in bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the Phisohex. PEGGY Really? PUDDY I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slogs around in. ELAINE Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies. PUDDY They're bacteria traps. PEGGY So you... just learned to live with it? PUDDY For the most part. ELAINE OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day. JERRY So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better? MELISSA This is nice. JERRY Yes, clothes. This is normal. MELISSA Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go down... (as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously naked, and stops paying attention) MELISSA Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me? JERRY Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry. MELISSA I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow. JERRY Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a... (as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly, 'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention) KRAMER, So you broke up? JERRY We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked. KRAMER Hang on. (Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub) JERRY So what are you up to? KRAMER Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses? JERRY Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes. KRAMER No problem there. HANKE, George. Thanks for coming down to talk to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't very flexible. I just started yesterday. GEORGE Well, I'm here. What is it? HANKE Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought it over, and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve much better. HANKE You're welcome. KID, Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint? HANKE Waffle or sugar cone? GEORGE Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get into a big thing here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology. HANKE What? KID Can you get on that cone? HANKE Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what are you talking about? GEORGE Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', which is nice. It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology. KID Is there anybody else here but you? HANKE I'm alone, and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I admitted I was wrong, so what more do you want from me? GEORGE I would like an apology. HANKE All right, look, you know-- KID #2, Did you try it? KID No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing. HANKE Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting with someone here, if you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry. GEORGE Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I want! Now say it again, and tell it to me. HANKE I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? Can't find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What are you looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get out! ELAINE, Mmm. This food is FANTASTIC, PEGGY And what a pretty radish rose, huh? KRAMER Well, thank you. ELAINE Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, free. (all four make toast) KRAMER Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub. (all four make another toast) PEGGY You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub? KRAMER Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there. ELAINE This food was in the shower with you? KRAMER Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed. (Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch) PUDDY Oh, germs. Germs. Germs! GEORGE Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics? GEORGE Thanks. What are you guys doin' here? ELAINE Kramer. GEORGE Right. Download Sound HANKE, Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a rage-aholic. AUDIENCE Hi, Jason. HANKE Uh, this is my first meeting. GEORGE Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips Step Nine! HANKE Please. Step Nine. GEORGE That's right! He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole of his sweater. (audience laughs) GEORGE It wasn't funny. HANKE It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a v-neck. GEORGE He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it! THE END |
THE SLICER | THE SLICER Written by Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Morning. ELAINE Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this. JERRY But why? ELAINE I need some space. (Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.) GEORGE Does that mean I have to go too? JERRY You don't think she's just talking to me? GEORGE Hey, shut up. JERRY You shut up. ELAINE I hate this. (Kramer pops out the covers.) KRAMER You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub. ELAINE No, I don't want this anymore. JERRY We'll come to work with you. GEORGE And on your dates. JERRY And shopping. KRAMER And to the bathroom. ELAINE I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine wakes up) You're killing me! 30. She realizes, that alarm comes from next door.) ELAINE (Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! (Screams) (Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.) KRUGER Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing? GEORGE Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'. KRUGER It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days? GEORGE That should be 14, let me just...(corrects it with a pen.) KRUGER George, I have to honest; I could go either way with you...but what the hell, we need someone, huh. GEORGE You won't regret this, sir. KRUGER I don't care. Let's find you an office. Kruger's family and George on the background.) (Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.) GEORGE ...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him; the boom box incident. JERRY The boom box incident? GEORGE Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean. JERRY Seems reasonable. GEORGE Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids. JERRY Even more reasonable. GEORGE So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there. JERRY And that guy is your new boss? GEORGE Until that stupid photo jogs his memory. KRAMER Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it? GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job. JERRY Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off. GEORGE It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there. KRAMER You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple of days and get it air brushed. GEORGE Like retouched. KRAMER You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford right out of there. GEORGE Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him. (George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes in to his hands.) KRAMER Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this... (Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.) KRAMER I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years. JERRY Neither have I. (5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.) KRAMER Hey, our meat problems are solved. JERRY Where did you get this thing? KRAMER I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide. (Elaine comes in.) ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of meat.) Welcome to flavor country. ELAINE Yeah, that's pretty good. JERRY Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met. ELAINE Sara Sitarides? JERRY Mmhu. ELAINE Oh...(falls in to the sofa.) JERRY What's with you? ELAINE You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes? JERRY Your whole building smells like potatoes. ELAINE This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning. KRAMER You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit. ELAINE How do you do that? KRAMER Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls. JERRY I think we might have one left in the stock room. (Kramer looks lost.) (Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.) KRAMER This hallway smells like potatoes. ELAINE I know, I know, this is it. (points to a door.) KRAMER Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go... ELAINE I think I'll let you do it. KRAMER No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly. ELAINE No, I really don't want to. KRAMER Well, I don't want to either. ELAINE I thought you had done this before. KRAMER It's just...it's no picnic. ELAINE Well, how are we gonna do it? KRAMER Alright, fine fine, I'll do it. (Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it to the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the floor. The lights go off.) KRAMER Oh mama. ELAINE Are you okay? KRAMER I will lose that nail. (Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.) SARA I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what it's like to have someone's life depending on you. JERRY Well, I have this neighbor... SARA A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's life? JERRY Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball? SARA No. JERRY Cause I hit a whopper last week! (Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.) CLERK Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and sky. (George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger isn't.) GEORGE What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy. CLERK I thought you said you wanted to be out? GEORGE Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy! CLERK You've really lost a lot of hair. GEORGE I am aware! (Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.) ELAINE THINKING Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 76 bucks, how often do I make...oh, I've gotta buy a book. (She hears a loud cat meowing next door.) ELAINE The cat. (5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.) JERRY He took out Kruger? GEORGE I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this guy can fix it up. (Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.) KRAMER This slicer is indomitable. JERRY Where did you get that butcher's coat? KRAMER You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything. (Elaine comes in.) ELAINE Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've shut off the automatic feeder. KRAMER See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez. ELAINE What did he do about it? KRAMER Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died. ELAINE Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm. KRAMER Oh, that's a prickly one. ELAINE Yeah, how's the doctor date? JERRY Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless. ELAINE Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life. JERRY Dermatology? ELAINE Yes, she's a dermatologist. JERRY Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it. KRAMER The slicer! Elaine, let's go. ELAINE Where are we going? KRAMER The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride. (Elaine and Kramer leave.) GEORGE When are you going on your next date with her? JERRY Oh, what's the point? GEORGE What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place? JERRY Revenge date? That sound like you more than me. GEORGE This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter! JERRY Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor! GEORGE Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on! JERRY You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off. GEORGE No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers... JERRY Flowers? GEORGE Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.) JERRY So, you've done this? GEORGE Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time. (Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under the door.) KRAMER I think we are looking half a millimeter. ELAINE Can it cut that thin? KRAMER Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them. ELAINE How did you know you cut it? KRAMER Well, I guess I just assumed. ELAINE Hold on kitty, dinner's coming. KRAMER Yeah, that's a hall of famer. ELAINE Alright, let's do it. KRAMER Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under the door.) ELAINE Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while? KRAMER Oh no, I don't think so. ELAINE Why not? KRAMER Well, you're not checked at on it. ELAINE What do I have to know? KRAMER Well, where the meat goes? ELAINE Right there. KRAMER Where do you turn it on? ELAINE Right there. KRAMER But where does the meat go? (Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.) SARA Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice. JERRY Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business? SARA It's fine. JERRY It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man! SARA What is with you? JERRY You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD! (A man comes to the table.) PARRY Dr. Sitarides? SARA Mr. Parry, how are you? PARRY I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life. JERRY She saved your life? PARRY I had skin cancer. JERRY Skin cancer! Damn. (Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and talking on the phone.) ELAINE You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye. (Walks off the couch.) ELAINE These heals are so uneven. (Watches the slicer.) (Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.) CLERK Here you Mr. Costanza. (George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the picture.) GEORGE What is this? This is a drawing. CLERK Looks real, doesn't it? GEORGE This is a cartoon! CLERK Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. Considering, I think that's damn good. GEORGE But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph! CLERK Then you better get a camera. (5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.) JERRY He looks like a Peanuts character. GEORGE I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger. JERRY You can do that. GEORGE Without his shirt on. JERRY You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you. GEORGE It seemed so disorganized. JERRY I understand. GEORGE What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition. JERRY True. You mean, for you? GEORGE I think. JERRY What about your sea sickness? GEORGE Maybe I could be a land guy. JERRY I don't know if they have land guys. GEORGE Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place! (Elaine comes in.) ELAINE Pliers? JERRY Drawer. ELAINE Got it. JERRY What are they for? ELAINE I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer. JERRY Come again? ELAINE Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He has very strong feelings for it. GEORGE I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go? JERRY Eh, it went okay. GEORGE Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy? JERRY Yeah, I started out real classy... GEORGE Yeah you did, you classed it up! JERRY But then I found out about the skin cancer. GEORGE Oh, so it backfired? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself. ELAINE Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do. JERRY Sadly, that knowledge could've help me. GEORGE Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman? ELAINE Aha. GEORGE Could she do that at Kruger? ELAINE I don't know, I guess. GEORGE So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger. ELAINE You have a little thing for this fella'? GEORGE Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides. JERRY Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her! GEORGE And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize.. JERRY Must I? GEORGE Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do. JERRY How does that reflect me? (Kramer comes in.) KRAMER Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice. ELAINE Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home. KRAMER Ok, I'll go with you. ELAINE Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns. KRAMER Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns. (Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.) JERRY So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian... SARA Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off. JERRY Was it pimple popper MD? SARA That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.) JERRY Still got it. (Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.) ELAINE Out, damn heal! (Knock on the door.) KRAMER Elaine? ELAINE Kramer? KRAMER Yeah listen, I need my slicer back. ELAINE Just hold on! (Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.) KRAMER Hey, what's going on? ELAINE Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone... (Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.) KRAMER My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine! ELAINE Phone call! I'm in a big phone call! KRAMER Come on, this is important! (Shakes the door handle and it comes loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.) NEIGHBOR Hey, get the hell out of here! KRAMER Wow, that's a lot of potatoes. (5A. Jerry and Kramer.) KRAMER So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me. (Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all over it.) JERRY What the hell is this? KRAMER Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard? JERRY No. KRAMER Well, what have you been doing? JERRY Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized... KRAMER Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there? JERRY Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well... KRAMER There, there's your hives. JERRY What, she gave me hives? KRAMER Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill. JERRY She did kind of touch my face. KRAMER Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion. JERRY It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her. KRAMER Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room. (Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose to her hand.) ELAINE Oh, that's fantastic. (Kruger's. George and Sara.) GEORGE I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted me to take a photograph for the record. SARA What record? GEORGE His personal file, I, I don't ask... (Jerry and Kramer walk in.) SARA Jerry? What brings you here? JERRY I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.) SARA Looks like hives. JERRY Where do you suppose that could've come from? GEORGE Jerry, what are you doing... KRAMER He is just setting the record straight. JERRY Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice? SARA Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose? JERRY I want the antidote, pimple popper! SARA That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane. JERRY Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that! (Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.) GEORGE Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry! (Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white butcher's coat.) KRUGER Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here? GEORGE Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second. Be right with you. KRAMER Doc, huh? GEORGE Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles. KRAMER Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin. GEORGE And get a picture of him, with his shirt off. KRAMER You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you? GEORGE Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick... (Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.) ELAINE This is it. I can take this anymore. Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.) (Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.) KRAMER Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my on that. KRUGER How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand? KRAMER Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men. KRUGER So, how am I looking? KRAMER Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder) yeuye... (Kramer comes out to talk to George.) GEORGE Kramer, I really owe you one. KRAMER George, we got a problem. GEORGE What? KRAMER Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious. GEORGE So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone else. KRAMER George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor? GEORGE Because, you're not a dermatologist. KRAMER He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I wanna do; I think I can get a section... GEORGE Whoa, whoa, a section?! KRAMER Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still... GEORGE No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss... KRAMER It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it. GEORGE No! Absolutely Not! KRAMER Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake. And it's going in my chart. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida)) ELAINE Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I need someone to come over here right away! NEIGHBOR Turn it off! Turn it off! ELAINE I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax! NEIGHBOR Alright, that's it! ELAINE Yeah, the address is 78th West... (Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.) NEIGHBOR Oh, oh mama... (5A. Jerry and George.) JERRY So, Kramer pulled it off? GEORGE Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you. JERRY Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees! GEORGE Why don't you see someone about it? JERRY I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist. KRAMER (Points to a page on the book) Squamous cell carcinoma. GEORGE You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this. KRAMER George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now we gotta came clean. GEORGE You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing. KRAMER I don't want this on my conscience. GEORGE I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this. KRAMER Yeah, alright... JERRY Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here. KRAMER They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts. JERRY Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners. (Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.) KRAMER Well, that's weird. JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER Well, I'm cleaning my slicer. JERRY That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand! KRAMER So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you. JERRY Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.) KRAMER Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou.... (Kruger's office.) KRUGER George, come in. I'm just going over our annual report...boy did we take it on the chin last year. GEORGE Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole. KRUGER I'm not too worried about it. GEORGE Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked out. KRUGER George, take a look at this photo. This is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks exactly as it does today. So, there's no cause for concern, eh? GEORGE Whatever. KRUGER Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear shaped loser. GEORGE Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there! KRUGER Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot of hair. GEORGE That's what they tell me! (Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the hallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under the door.) KRAMER Do you want more pastrami? ELAINE Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good. KRAMER Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that? JERRY I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did. GEORGE He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist? JERRY Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad. GEORGE What did he give you for it. JERRY Aloe. So where's that lock smith? GEORGE Have to give him time on this hour. ELAINE Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out from keyhole.) KRAMER Oh yeah, coming up... THE END |
THE APARTMENT | THE APARTMENT Written by Peter Mehlman (Night club) JERRY Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be there. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. His hair is slicked down) JERRY What did you do? KRAMER Mousse. I moussed up. ELAINE I guess it was just a matter of time. KRAMER You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy? JERRY Oh, look, its so subjective. ELAINE I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon. KRAMER Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that. ELAINE She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends. JERRY Maybe. (A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny, the building supervisors) HAROLD No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something in Spanish) JERRY Harold and Manny. HAROLD I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry goes out into the hall) JERRY Boys, boys. HAROLD Oh, Jerry. JERRY I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it? HAROLD Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold in Spanish) I was only joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month. JERRY She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died? HAROLD Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying. MANNY Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up! HAROLD (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment? JERRY Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine? HAROLD Oh yeah, I like her. She always says "hello" to me. JERRY It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in a second. HAROLD Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. (Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's true. JERRY So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it? HAROLD Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay. (Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way) KRAMER (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think? HAROLD Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his hair. MANNY (In Spanish) It looks worse. KRAMER (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks. (Jerry enters his apartment) ELAINE What was that all about? JERRY Oh, nothing important. ELAINE What's going on? What is that look? JERRY What look? Nothing. ELAINE Something's going on here. JERRY I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down.. I can't decide. ELAINE Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon. Cough it up. JERRY Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes - to give, and give, and give.. ELAINE Would you please? JERRY What would you say if I told you that.. ELAINE Told me what?! JERRY ..I got you an apartment in this building. ELAINE (Dumbfounded) No. JERRY Yes. ELAINE No. JERRY Yes. ELAINE You didn't. JERRY I did. ELAINE You got me an apartment in the building?! JERRY I got you an apartment in the building. ELAINE How did you.. JERRY Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me? ELAINE No. JERRY She died. ELAINE (Thrilled) She died?! JERRY She died. ELAINE She died! JERRY And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month! ELAINE Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?! JERRY Four hundred a month. ELAINE And I'll be right upstairs? JERRY Right upstairs. ELAINE Right above you? JERRY Right above me. ELAINE Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time! JERRY (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time.. ELAINE We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great! JERRY ..All the time.. (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!" (Scene ends) (Coffee shop) GEORGE (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you? JERRY You can't believe what I just did. GEORGE What? What did you do? JERRY I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it. It's not believable. GEORGE What did you do? JERRY How could I have done that? GEORGE Done what? JERRY I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She's going to move in. GEORGE Elaine's moving into your building? JERRY Yes. Right above me. GEORGE Right above you? JERRY Yes. GEORGE You're gonna be neighbors. JERRY I know. Neighbors. GEORGE She's right above you? JERRY Right above me. GEORGE How could you do that? JERRY 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. GEORGE Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me. JERRY Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? GEORGE Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos? JERRY She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar. GEORGE You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage. JERRY But I need the home bed advantage! GEORGE Of course, we all do. JERRY (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and sit with me. GEORGE I was just in there. It's embarrassing. JERRY Oh, who's gonna know? GEORGE They saw me walk out. JERRY Two minutes. (Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop) JERRY My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life. GEORGE My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted. JERRY ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing? GEORGE Tough. JERRY You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building.. and she loves a good shower. GEORGE I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray. JERRY If they were fanatic about showers, they might. GEORGE For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.. JERRY Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse? GEORGE I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit? JERRY Yeah, the guy with the flat head? GEORGE He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes. JERRY Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands. GEORGE (Joking) I wonder if that's really true. JERRY That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you. (Scene ends) (Apartment buliding hallway) (George is trying on a wedding band) GEORGE Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week. KRAMER You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece. GEORGE I'm not doing that. KRAMER Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? GEORGE No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you. (Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall) HAROLD I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small! I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with these! There's no absorption! (Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment) JERRY Boys, boys. HAROLD Hi, Jerry. HAROLD Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold) HAROLD Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry. JERRY What? HAROLD Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny yells) Because it's true! Why shouldn't I tell him? JERRY Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks in Spanish) HAROLD Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, we'll give it to her. JERRY Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment) You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. GEORGE What happened to you? JERRY Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs. GEORGE Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars! JERRY Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars! GEORGE So, she can't get the apartment. JERRY Can't get it. GEORGE So, she doesn't move in. JERRY No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan. GEORGE And how does the baldness fit into that plan? (The intercom buzzes) JERRY (Into the intercom) Elaine? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should go in the other room. GEORGE Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham! JERRY 'Cause you know, I love Elaine. GEORGE Of course you do. JERRY But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.. (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good morning, good morning.." Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room) Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five dollars left in my account. JERRY (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem. ELAINE Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.. JERRY No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd have to come up with that money. ELAINE Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars. JERRY I know. ELAINE How am I going to get five thousand dollars? JERRY I have no idea. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Hey, my new neighbor! ELAINE I'm not moving in. KRAMER What? ELAINE They want five thousand dollars now. KRAMER So, okay. What's the problem? ELAINE I don't have five thousand dollars. KRAMER C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry, you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on. JERRY Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow? ELAINE No, that's too much money to borrow. KRAMER Loan her the money. You can afford it. JERRY She doesn't want to borrow the money. KRAMER Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between friends? ELAINE Of course I'd pay you back.. KRAMER Yeah, so what's the problem? JERRY Who said there's a problem? KRAMER He said he'd loan you the money. ELAINE Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that? KRAMER That's okay. He doesn't care. ELAINE You know, money can sometimes come between friends. KRAMER Get outta here. ELAINE Let me think about it. KRAMER What's to think about? ELAINE I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just take one more look at it. (Leaves) JERRY It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand.. Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand." KRAMER You didn't want her in the building? JERRY No, I didn't! KRAMER Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she was going to think about it. JERRY People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals. KRAMER I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building. JERRY Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand. KRAMER Because I'm a pod? (George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns) ELAINE I'll take it! (George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room) (Scene ends) (Roxanne's apartment) (Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and George. Roxanne greets them) ROXANNE Hi, Elaine.. ELAINE Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's the one who got me my new apartment! ROXANNE So, you're Elaine's hero. JERRY Yeah, it's my life's work. ROXANNE There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices) GEORGE (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what going on with her. Don't let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle) JERRY Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts selecting food from the tables) ROXANNE Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it? JERRY Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it. ROXANNE I wish we had a view of the finish line. JERRY What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers. (Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next to an attractive woman) GEORGE ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another. RITA Is she here? GEORGE No, she's working. RITA What does she do? GEORGE She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats. What about you? RITA I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great! I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George is stunned) Anyway, she's a very luck woman. GEORGE But.. (She leaves, George is standing there) (Scene cuts to an entering man and woman) ROXANNE Hi Stan. Joanne. ELAINE Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building! JOANNE Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby? JERRY Fantastic.. STAN She can pop in whenever she wants. JERRY I know. JOANNE She doesn't even need to knock! JERRY It's tremendous. STAN Anytime of day. JERRY I'm in heaven. ELAINE Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got me the apartment. RITA Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment. (Scene cuts to George) GEORGE I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh flirtingly) SUSIE So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women. GEORGE You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that. SUSIE That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George) RITA Hey everybody! Here come the runners! (Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put) ELAINE So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh? JERRY Oh, I wouldn't quite say that. ELAINE Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her. JERRY I'm a guy.. it always looks like that. ELAINE Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles? JERRY Na.. ELAINE Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But - as long as you're okay with it, it's fine with me. (Scene cuts to George) JANICE I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It's a shame you're married.. GEORGE (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment! JANICE Please.. (Walks away) (Jerry walks over to George) JERRY You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This is an idiot. GEORGE Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots! ROXANNE (Yelling out the window) You're all winners! GEORGE But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night.. I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you back after I talk to her. Bye. KRAMER Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool. JERRY What? What's cool? KRAMER Elaine. JERRY What are you talking about? KRAMER I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment. JERRY You what?! Get out! Ten thousand? KRAMER (Nods) Cash. JERRY Who would pay that much? KRAMER He's in the music business. JERRY Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden! KRAMER Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is coming through the walls) ELAINE Wow. You're right. That is loud. JERRY It's just unbelievable. ELAINE They rehearse all the time? JERRY All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold) Can't you do something? HAROLD I'm not going up. It stinks up there. JERRY Manny.. MANNY (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock. HAROLD I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his own rules. ELAINE Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse. (Kramer enters) KRAMER (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables. THE END |
THE GOOD SAMARITAN | THE GOOD SAMARITAN Written by Peter Mehlman (Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at home in her bed) ELAINE You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker? JERRY It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person. (Driver cuts in front of Jerry) JERRY Oh look at this guy. ELAINE What's goin' on? JERRY Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in. ELAINE Did you get a thank you wave? JERRY No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave? (Jerry sticks his head out the window) JERRY Give me that wave! ELAINE Jerry, are you free on Friday? JERRY Yeah, I'm free, why? ELAINE Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband. JERRY Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block! ELAINE You gotta follow that car! JERRY What?! ELAINE You can't let him get away with that! JERRY Elaine, the guy could be dangerous. ELAINE What are you, yellow? JERRY I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice) ELAINE Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella. JERRY Wait, he stopped, he's parking. ELAINE What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry? (Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront other driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman) JERRY Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other) (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are talking by the table) JERRY So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her. GEORGE Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech. JERRY You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm. (Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate) JERRY He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh) GEORGE I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that? JERRY Let's not even analyze it. (Jerry begins walking towards door) GEORGE So you didn't turn her in? JERRY I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it. GEORGE Gonna see her again? JERRY Friday night. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button) JERRY Yep. ELAINE It's me! JERRY Come on up. (Jerry unlocks and opens door) JERRY By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything. GEORGE Hey, hey, hey! I dig. (George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups) JERRY Oh, you dig? GEORGE Yes! I see enormous potential here. JERRY Why? (George pours two cups of milk) GEORGE Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story. JERRY I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all. GEORGE I don't think so. JERRY Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal! (Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent) JERRY On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?! (Jerry looks at his cup in disgust) JERRY What am I drinking, milk? (Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket) ELAINE Hey! JERRY Hi. (Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry) ELAINE Sweater. JERRY Thank you. ELAINE So? What happened? (Jerry starts walking away) JERRY With that? ELAINE With the car! JERRY What car? ELAINE The hit and run! JERRY Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens. ELAINE Queens?! You followed him over the bridge? JERRY Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand) (George walks out of the kitchen) GEORGE Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry. JERRY Yeah, Queens. ELAINE So? Then what? JERRY So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?" (Elaine gasps) JERRY So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary." (Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement) ELAINE I am speechless. I am without speech. GEORGE Tell her about the shoving. JERRY What? (George smiles pointing at him) ELAINE What shoving?! JERRY Oh, it was nothing. GEORGE No! Tell her. (Jerry looks at George with a grin) JERRY Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches) ELAINE You know karate?? JERRY I know a little. ELAINE Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did he do? JERRY He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey! (Group does likewise) ELAINE Did you tell Kramer? JERRY Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away) KRAMER What? What? What? Tell me. ELAINE Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him. (Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling) KRAMER Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry) KRAMER They should be sent to Australia. (Jerry has a confused look) JERRY Australia? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts. JERRY But not any more. KRAMER No. (Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer) ELAINE Hey Kramer, Kramer! KRAMER Yeah? ELAINE What happened to you right here? (She's pointing to her forehead) KRAMER I don't know! (Jerry smiles and shakes his head) KRAMER You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table. (Elaine has a look of surprise) ELAINE Well, that is, that is strange. KRAMER Yep. (Mumbles off) (Elaine walks toward door) ELAINE Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right? JERRY Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date. (Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry) ELAINE But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed) JERRY We just met. (Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger) KRAMER Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines. ELAINE But I, I can't go alone! JERRY Ask George to go with you. ELAINE George, come on! I'll pay for you. GEORGE You'll pay? I'm there. JERRY Why do you even need anybody? ELAINE Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave) (Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married couple, Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused on eating his meal) ROBIN You went out with a bullfighter? ELAINE Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now. MICHAEL Wow. ROBIN What was his name? ELAINE His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio. (George points across the table) GEORGE Pass the salt please. ROBIN Where did you meet him? ELAINE Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull. (Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread) GEORGE Bread. (Elaine hands bread to George) ELAINE I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life. (Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and looks at Michael) GEORGE God bless you. (Robin smiles) ROBIN Thank you. GEORGE I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles) (Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George) (Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman are both eating an ice cream cones) WOMAN You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn. JERRY Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note. WOMAN Did you ever see Zorba the Greek? JERRY Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car. (Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling) WOMAN Come here. (Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed between Michael and George) GEORGE Really, I was, I was only kidding around. ROBIN He was only joking Michael. (Michael throws down his serviette) MICHAEL You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'? GEORGE No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special. ROBIN He was only joking Michael! Sorry. MICHAEL All right! Take his side! ROBIN I am not taking his side. MICHAEL Well who's side are you taking?! ROBIN Well I'm not taking your side! (Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is his) (Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run woman are now kissing) JERRY Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize. (Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again) (Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside Jerry room, where Jerry is) GEORGE I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong? JERRY The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal. (George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button) ELAINE It's me. JERRY Come on up. (Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen) GEORGE Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs. JERRY No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series. GEORGE Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single. JERRY What if she's having an off night? (Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa) ELAINE Hi! Jerry. Hi. (Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen) ELAINE Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit! (George walks out of kitchen) GEORGE Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'. (Jerry sneezes) GEORGE Ah, shut up. ELAINE What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'. (Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa) JERRY A stupid what? (Elaine looks at Jerry) ELAINE Whatever. JERRY You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''. (Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes) ELAINE Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her. GEORGE Who? ELAINE Robin! (George looks quickly at Elaine) GEORGE Why?! ELAINE Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me. (George stands up) JERRY Entertainment Tonight's on. GEORGE Where's the remote phone? JERRY Bedroom. (George walks toward Jerry's bedroom) ELAINE Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you? (Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and Elaine, then walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice of Mary Hart starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the sofa.) JERRY What's it like out? (Kramer continues to shake behind sofa) ELAINE Chilly out. JERRY Can I take a sweater? ELAINE Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to. JERRY Scarf? ELAINE Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off. (Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes) JERRY What's the matter? What's going on? (Kramer is looking around like he's lost) KRAMER What happened?! ELAINE What? KRAMER I think I hit my head again! JERRY What is wrong?! (Elaine is pointing at the TV) ELAINE Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV? KRAMER Yeah. (Elaine claps her hands together then stands up) ELAINE That is it! KRAMER What? (Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him) ELAINE That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany! (George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits down) KRAMER Mary Hart! GEORGE God. ELAINE What? GEORGE Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon. JERRY Get together? GEORGE Maybe she just wants to talk to me? ELAINE Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs. (George walks to other side of sofa) GEORGE Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money. (George sits on chair) ELAINE Are you actually considering this? GEORGE I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable! ELAINE Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note. (Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable) JERRY Yeah. (Kramer walks out of washroom) KRAMER Hey, you know who owns that car? JERRY What car? KRAMER The one that was hit a couple of nights ago. JERRY Yeah who? KRAMER That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants. (Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen) JERRY The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her. (Elaine nods, smiling) ELAINE Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants. (Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows) KRAMER Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh? (Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very excited) JERRY The blond with the blue sweatpants! GEORGE Well, who is she? JERRY I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards. GEORGE Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela. (Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine) JERRY Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is! (Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other) GEORGE You can't compromise your principles! JERRY How am I going to live with myself?! GEORGE Can't live! JERRY I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line! GEORGE This country needs more people like you! JERRY Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk. GEORGE I believe strongly in that as you know. JERRY There should be more people like us. GEORGE That's why the world's in the shape it's in. JERRY You're telling me. (Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading their magazines) (Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking to the girl with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door) JERRY Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that. (Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling) BECKY Well God bless you. (Jerry pauses) JERRY Thank you very much. (Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are together in bed) GEORGE Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done? ROBIN Oh no, what's wrong? GEORGE What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery! ROBIN You didn't commit adultery, I did. GEORGE Oh yeah. ROBIN If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else. GEORGE Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there. ROBIN Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'. GEORGE Well, that's a given. ROBIN In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'. GEORGE Must be hell living in that house. (Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the phone to Michael) MICHAEL Hi, it's Michael. ELAINE Hi, Michael! MICHAEL Is Robin there? ELAINE Robin? No, why? MICHAEL Uh, she said she was going to be with you. ELAINE No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here. (Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone) MICHAEL If she's not with you, then where is she? ELAINE Well I, I don't know. MICHAEL Is she with your bald friend from the other night?! ELAINE No, no, come on Michael! MICHAEL He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them! (Michael sneezes) ELAINE You're soo good lookin'. (Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela are talking by the sofa) ANGELA Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue! JERRY Let me rephra- ANGELA I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in) JERRY Hi Elaine, this is Angela. ANGELA I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth! (Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen) JERRY Well I think I get the gist of it. ANGELA So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car! (Jerry shrugs) JERRY What car? (Jerry hands Angela her purse) ANGELA Good. I'm glad we understand each other. JERRY It's not complicated. (Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves) ELAINE Very nice meeting you! (Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry) ELAINE Come on up. (Elaine laughs) ELAINE Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right. JERRY Alright Elaine. ELAINE No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city! JERRY It was just a couple of blocks. (Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter) ELAINE Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest! (George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward him, Jerry goes to washroom) GEORGE Hey. ELAINE Oh, did you check you machine? (George takes glass from cupboard) GEORGE No, why, what's happening? ELAINE Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was. GEORGE Yeah, okay. ELAINE And I said I hadn't seen her. GEORGE What?! ELAINE No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name. GEORGE He mentioned my name?! What did he say?! ELAINE He said he was going to sew your ass to your face. GEORGE What? Why couldn't you think of something?! ELAINE Well I don't know, he caught me off guard! GEORGE You lie! How hard is it to lie?! (Jerry walks back from washroom) JERRY It's not that hard. (Elaine points finger at George) ELAINE Well who told you to sleep with her George?! GEORGE It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador! ELAINE Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'! GEORGE Oh don't- (Jerry raises his arms) JERRY Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador? GEORGE She told this couple she had an affair with a matador. JERRY A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name? ELAINE Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio. (Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador) JERRY Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza! (Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to her outside her door) JERRY Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage. BECKY Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875. JERRY $875? BECKY That's right. JERRY Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back. (Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing) JERRY Um, who do I make it out to? BECKY Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E. JERRY So, what are you doing this weekend? (Jerry hands check to Becky) BECKY You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date? JERRY I didn't do it! BECKY Yeah righ- (Becky sneezes) JERRY You are soo good lookin'. (Becky closes door) BECKY Thank you. (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in bedroom and George is looking out window) GEORGE Jerry, let's go! You ready? (Jerry walks out of bedroom) JERRY You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks! GEORGE Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city. JERRY Alright! (George put his bag over his shoulder) GEORGE Come on let's get out of here. (Kramer enters) KRAMER How could you? JERRY What?! KRAMER Man! I never thought you were capable of this! JERRY What did I do? KRAMER I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran. JERRY I- KRAMER I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building. JERRY I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else! KRAMER Now you're not going to lie to me, are you? (Jerry is putting on sweater) JERRY No, never. KRAMER Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her. JERRY You got a date with Becky Gelke?! KRAMER Yeah, going out with her Saturday night. GEORGE Jerry, can we get out of here?! KRAMER As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her. JERRY Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can. (Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands) THE END |
THE CADILLAC PART 1 | THE CADILLAC PART 1 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner has he put his bags down than Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey! You're back! JERRY Oh, I'm back, baby. KRAMER Yeah, how was it? JERRY Great. One of the best jobs I ever had. KRAMER Good for you. JERRY I killed. KRAMER You killed. JERRY (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable. KRAMER Unbelievable. JERRY Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had. KRAMER How much? JERRY (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather... KRAMER Aw, c'mon. JERRY Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship. KRAMER I tell you how much I make. JERRY And I'm always impressed. KRAMER Just show me the cheque, c'mon. JERRY Awright, fine. You wanna see it? KRAMER I wanna see it. JERRY Okay. Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and hands it to Kramer. JERRY Here, check that out. Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to his face. KRAMER (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable. JERRY I told you. Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked. KRAMER My god, you're rich. JERRY (taking back the check) Oh yeah. KRAMER I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez. JERRY What? KRAMER I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior. JERRY I never shoulda told you. KRAMER You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it? JERRY No, I can't feel anything. KRAMER Well, what're you gonna do with all that money? JERRY Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity. KRAMER (pleased) Really? JERRY (deadpan) No. KRAMER Well, you should, Jerry. JERRY No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car. KRAMER Now, you see, that's nice. JERRY Maybe a Cadillac. KRAMER (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la. JERRY Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it. KRAMER You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one. JERRY Oh, isn't that what it's all about? Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement. (Monk's) Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy. ELAINE Who was Pippi Longstocking? KATY Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know. ELAINE Did she have anything to do with Hitler? KATY Hitler? (thinks) Maybe. George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient. GEORGE Hey. ELAINE Hey George. GEORGE Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock. George twists round, so he can watch the door. ELAINE (indicating) You remember Katy? GEORGE (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy. KATY Also ear, nose and throat. GEORGE Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles) KATY (amused) He's funny. ELAINE Ah, you don't have to tell me. GEORGE Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles) ELAINE Oh, you know what? He got engaged. KATY Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh. GEORGE What? Is that bad? KATY I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine. GEORGE Oh-ho, yeah? KATY You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys. GEORGE (curious) Bald? Uh? KATY Loves bald. GEORGE Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she? KATY Marisa Tomei. GEORGE (taken aback) The actress? KATY Yeah. GEORGE You're friends with Marisa Tomei? KATY That's right. GEORGE (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic! KATY Yeah, I know. GEORGE (more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her? KATY Yeah, she's just been sitting home. GEORGE (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?! ELAINE (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his coat. JERRY I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye. Jerry hangs up and turns to George. JERRY Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac GEORGE Really? Wow, you're quite the good son. JERRY Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him. Jerry walks to the kitchen. GEORGE You gonna sleep on the fold-out? JERRY (joyless) Yeah, yes. Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a plate. GEORGE Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei? JERRY The actress? GEORGE Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she? JERRY Oh yeah. GEORGE Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend? JERRY Yeah? GEORGE She happens to be very good friends with her. JERRY Marisa Tomei? GEORGE Uh-hmm. JERRY How does she know Marisa Tomei? GEORGE I don't know, I didn't ask. JERRY You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei? GEORGE Not the point! JERRY Alright. GEORGE Can I finish? JERRY Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her. Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice cream. GEORGE Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her. JERRY What d'you mean, could've? GEORGE Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged. JERRY Ohh! GEORGE Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type! JERRY Really? Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie. GEORGE (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men. JERRY You know, she won an academy award? GEORGE (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing! JERRY Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn. GEORGE I mean, you've seen her, right? JERRY Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah. GEORGE (shout) Marisa Tomei! JERRY Yeah, yeah, yeah. GEORGE I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips. George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of pie and ice cream. JERRY You like full lips. GEORGE Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on. The two sit on the couch. JERRY Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged. Jerry takes a mouthful of pie. GEORGE (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad. There is a knock at the door. JERRY (about the pie) This is no good. Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal a guy in a Plaza Cable cap. JERRY Hi. NICK Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is? JERRY No. NICK If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here? JERRY Sure. NICK Thanks. The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch. JERRY (about the cable guy) Nice people. Jerry sits beside George again. GEORGE Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her? JERRY Well, what about Susan? GEORGE (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?! JERRY Would you tell Susan about it? GEORGE (frustrated) Not necessarily. JERRY Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong. GEORGE (shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact! Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters. JERRY Hey, cable guy's looking for you. KRAMER Oh, yeah? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out. JERRY Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out. KRAMER Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting. JERRY You don't seem too bothered by it. KRAMER You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between two and six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it? JERRY Boy, I've never seen you like this. KRAMER Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side. (George's Apartment) George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video. Onscreen, Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems. MARISA ...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick Skylark. Susan enters SUSAN Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My Cousin Vinnie? GEORGE Yeah. Susan stands behind George as she speaks. SUSAN I thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again? GEORGE I..I..I dunno. SUSAN Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that. George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear he wishes Susan looked like that. SUSAN Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me. Susan leaves to the bedroom. GEORGE (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha. When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping an eye open in case Susan returns. (George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment) ELAINE Hello. GEORGE (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George. Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks to George. ELAINE George. How come you're whispering? GEORGE (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier? ELAINE No. GEORGE (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know... ELAINE Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about. GEORGE (still quiet) The actress. ELAINE What? GEORGE (shouts) Marisa Tomei! Susan hears from the bedroom. SUSAN What? GEORGE (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing. ELAINE Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her? GEORGE Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it. ELAINE What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged! GEORGE A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything. ELAINE Uhh. No George! GEORGE Elaine. ELAINE Forget it! Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust. GEORGE Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!! Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips the phone under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin Vinnie, to provide an excuse for his raised voice. GEORGE D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy! Susan looks at him oddly. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and Kramer peers out into the hall through Jerry's peephole. ELAINE I can't believe you're buying your father a car. JERRY And, best of all, it's a Cadillac. ELAINE (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow. Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves over to the table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the 'on' position. ELAINE I had no idea you had this kind of money. JERRY Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it. ELAINE Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position. JERRY Ah, it's just money. ELAINE (smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida? JERRY Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why? ELAINE I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all. JERRY Are you okay? ELAINE (squeaky) Sure, sure. JERRY What was that? Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry and Elaine to quieten down. KRAMER Quiet, quiet. (Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders up to Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed. NICK Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives here? GEORGE Yeah. George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still talking. NICK (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning. Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited satisfaction. NICK (still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all I do is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up with it much longer. The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak to Jerry and Elaine. KRAMER I'm loving this. Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens the door. The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters. Kramer peers round George to check the cable guy's gone. GEORGE Kramer, there's a guy out here that... KRAMER Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes the door behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine. GEORGE (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way. ELAINE Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this! GEORGE (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up! ELAINE You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you? GEORGE (defensive) So what? So what if I do? ELAINE (shrill) You're engaged! GEORGE (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men! JERRY I notice you threw 'stocky' in there. GEORGE Yeah, what the hell?! ELAINE George! It's cheating. GEORGE (adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex! ELAINE Yes it is! GEORGE (frustrated) Ahh! ELAINE (looking for support) Jerry! Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank notes and is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that currency. She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money. JERRY Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash. GEORGE (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates the phone) Please, make the call. ELAINE (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make... Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number. GEORGE (triumph) Alright. Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was up to. He stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously been paying more attention, even as she dialled the phone. ELAINE Eight-fifty. JERRY Oh, right. Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up. ELAINE So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or... JERRY No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car. As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in his path, smiling flirtatiously. ELAINE You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know... JERRY Maybe I'll let you pick me up. ELAINE (big smile) Okay. Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads for the bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's line. As Elaine speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of dances. ELAINE Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) Oh, really? Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease dancing. ELAINE Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks. Elaine turns to an expectant George. ELAINE Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia. GEORGE (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?! (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over and grabs the box he's eating from. HELEN Morty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another box) There's already a box of cookies open. MORTY I wanted a Chip Ahoy. HELEN I don't like all these open boxes. Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard. MORTY Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it. The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags. JERRY Surprise! MORTY (shout) Jerry! HELEN (shock) Oh, my god! MORTY What the hell are you doing here? JERRY I'm a good son. HELEN Just like that? No calls? JERRY Just like that. MORTY Boy, you are really something. HELEN To what do we owe this great honour? JERRY You wanna know? Come on outside. MORTY Outside? What's going on? HELEN Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens. Helen darts out of the door eagerly. MORTY (laughs) Heh hah! JERRY C'mon, c'mon. Morty follows Helen outside. (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming in the Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it. JERRY Well, what d'you think? MORTY Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?! JERRY I bought it for you. It's yours. Morty and Helen both look astonished. MORTY You what? You bought me a Cadillac? JERRY I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go. HELEN (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind? JERRY What? MORTY (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding? HELEN He's not buying us a Cadillac. MORTY What are you, nuts? HELEN It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back. Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back to Jerry. MORTY (to Jerry) Can you believe this?! HELEN I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of money. JERRY How d'you know? HELEN Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot. JERRY Why can't I buy my father a car? HELEN Your father doesn't need a car. MORTY Yes, I do! Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry. HELEN Oh, Morty. MORTY We're keeping it. HELEN Over my dead body. Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle for possession, watched by Jerry. JERRY (under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped. (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on a table, are his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer doesn't answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up. MACHINE Giddyup. NICK Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable. Kramer smiles on hearing the voice. NICK Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna be there from nine to one. Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to listen. NICK I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better to do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?! Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs to himself. NICK You're not gonna get away with this! (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida) Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door. They're going through the features of the car. MORTY Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it. JERRY That's what I was thinking. Jack Klompus approaches the car. JACK (pointing) Hello, Jerry. JERRY Hiya, Jack. Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it. MORTY (indicating) So, how d'you like this? JACK Who's car? MORTY It's mine. JACK Yours? MORTY That's right. My son bought it for me. JACK He what? MORTY My son bought me the car. It's a present. JACK (disbelief) You bought it? JERRY That's right. I bought it. MORTY You ever see one so nice? JACK Some car. MORTY You wanna take a ride? JACK No, thank you. MORTY C'mon, take a ride. JACK I don't wanna take a ride. MORTY Why not? JACK I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?! JERRY He doesn't wanna take a ride. MORTY Uh huh. JACK (worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands. MORTY (skeptical) Thousands?! JACK What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac? MORTY (dismissive) Ahh! JACK (dismissive) Yaah! Jack angrily stalks away. MORTY Could you believe that guy? JERRY Aahh! (Hospital Room) George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone. GEORGE Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa. The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing an oxygen mask and has an intravenous drip in her. GEORGE You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, what d'you, what d'you think? Katy is still unconscious. GEORGE (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie? (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and he answers it. KRAMER Y'hello. NICK (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some trouble on your line. Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice. KRAMER Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble. NICK Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your neighbourhood. Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open a couple of blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone box across the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with the Plaza Cable insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the cable guy. KRAMER (playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting. NICK We can fix that. We can fix that. KRAMER (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that. NICK Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong work order. KRAMER Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove. Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on. It plays cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the door. (Street) Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening to the cheesy music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his watch. Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard. KRAMER Hey, McNab! THe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window of a cab as it passes. KRAMER Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by? Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy, as the cab accelerates away. (Tenant's Committee, Florida) Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy looking Jack Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering. He bangs a gavel to get their attention. MORTY Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence at the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids. HERB C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell are you doing? MORTY Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible. JACK (half to himself) I'll bet you don't. MORTY What was that? JACK C'mon Morty, the jig is up! MORTY What're you talking about? JACK I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer. HERB What's going on, Jack? JACK I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury. MORTY Stealing?! RALPH What proof do you have? JACK Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. Now what more proof do you want? MORTY My son bought me that car! JACK Your son? MORTY Yeah. JACK Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent! HERB Jack's right! He stinks! RALPH It's his material. MORTY I tell you, he bought it for me! HERB (bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation! RALPH I second. Morty looks dumbstruck. (George's Apartment) George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen, the ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines. MARISA ...go introduce myself. Susan enters, with a bag of groceries. SUSAN Hey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you have a thing for her? GEORGE (laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei? SUSAN What are you talking about? Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking bemused by George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as he slips off into a daydream. (George Dream Sequence) George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light. Then Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress, and her hair up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at him lovingly. MARISA Have I told you how much I love you today? GEORGE Not in the last fifteen minutes. MARISA Well, I do love you very much. GEORGE And I love you, Marisa. MARISA Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere. George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and slowly recline onto the couch. (George's Apartment) Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly reclining onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his head, in the fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head from the cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into the kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the couch and lies down. (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious Morty delivers his news. HELEN Impeachment? MORTY That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that? HELEN Can they do that? MORTY If they get the votes. HELEN I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car. JERRY Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it. MORTY It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots. JERRY You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference! MORTY No-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd have to move to Boca. There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn walks in. EVELYN Hello? JERRY Oh, hi Evelyn. Morty sits by the table. EVELYN Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus. HELEN What'd he say? EVELYN He's voting to impeach. Morty thumps the table with his fist. EVELYN Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show. MORTY I did so thank him! HELEN (admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't hear you. MORTY Ah, he's deaf anyway. EVELYN Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided. MORTY Who's that? EVELYN Mrs Choate. JERRY Who's she? MORTY Oh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody. She's very tough to deal with. HELEN Maybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side of it? MORTY That's a good idea. EVELYN Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight. HELEN (surprise) The Lichtenberg's? EVELYN Yes, they're having a party. HELEN We weren't invited. EVELYN Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car. Jerry puts his face in his hands. THE END |
THE WIG MASTER | THE WIG MASTER Written by Spike Feresten (Comedy club) JERRY I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war, the last war fought in wig, and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle, they think.. well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got to make sure you have everything... lot more to worry about What if I get killed.? Is my wig on straight? I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men... but I know when it went out.! When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair on his head going ..All right! lets go rap to the ladies.. (Andover shop) JERRY I'm looking for a crested blazer CRAIG A crested blazer.. JERRY I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me. CRAIG (turning around): Yes .I Think we may have something. (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn. JERRY (softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers. CRAIG It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up? JERRY You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think. CRAIG (doubtful) A Hum! JERRY Really I'll be back. CRAIG Yeah! Cuts to Jerry's apartment. George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and Jerry are talking. JERRY So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me. ELAINE Ah! So he knew that you were making it up! JERRY Yeah..... He caught me. So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat. ELAINE That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat? JERRY Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't. ELAINE But you were!! JERRY But if you go back with me, then I'm not. GEORGE (still on the phone) All right fine.... Whatever Kramer walks in. JERRY (to George) Problems with the house guest? ELAINE What house guest? GEORGE This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive? KRAMER Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half. ELAINE Who is he? GEORGE He's a wig master ELAINE What is a wig master? GEORGE He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs. JERRY Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice. KRAMER About some tickets George, you know I'd kill for a peek.. GEORGE (leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot. KRAMER Euh what...What lot is that? GEORGE Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month. KRAMER Seventy -five bucks a month! GEORGE Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on.. KRAMER Oh I'm down. Cuts to the Andover shop JERRY (proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?. CRAIG No I believed you. JERRY Yeah.... well Elaine. ELAINE (looking up to the salesman) CRAIG Oh!... hello I'm Craig. ELAINE .....Hi. CRAIG well (picks up the blazer again) here it is. ELAINE Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest. CRAIG You know your coats? ELAINE Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman. CRAIG I love J. Peterman. ELAINE (giggling) Ohhh!!. CRAIG I especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives really take me away.. ELAINE Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those. CRAIG No!!! ELAINE Yeeeahh!!! JERRY (impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here. Elaine Well I love it... JERRY You what?? ELAINE I think it's great. I think you should get it. CRAIG Well .... Will it be check or credit card? JERRY (giving up) Check. CRAIG I'll need you to write down your phone number on the check for me. (turning to Elaine) Perhaps you could do the same. ELAINE (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl) Cuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking JERRY You weren't supposed to say that. ELAINE But I really did like it JERRY That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice. ELAINE uhn... Sorry! JERRY And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me? ELAINE What is the big deal!! JERRY ...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!! ELAINE He dared.... Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in. ETHAN (sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)Hi George.. How was your day? GEORGE Good....good day (not too convincing) You? ETHAN I am getting so much work done..... See? GEORGE Very nice SUSAN (walks in) Hi sweety How was your day? ETHAN I already ask him that. He said Good...Good day.... George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's hallway KRAMER (frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare? JERRY No I gave it back to you KRAMER y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there? JERRY Oh Come on!! KRAMER Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue.. JERRY : I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus! KRAMER I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car! JERRY Forget it. KRAMER Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up. JERRY He wont take ya.. Kramer picks up the phone, calls George Phone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the wig master. GEORGE (grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello? KRAMER Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park? GEORGE Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right All right....Hey! gotta go. Cuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio GEORGE So the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. and he'll show you around. GEORGE WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!! KRAMER I like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio) GEORGE Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off KRAMER (seems to pickup something on the floor) ....'s'this? KRAMER Gawd!!! GEORGE What? KRAMER That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!! They both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks ELAINE How do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover shop? I mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele. CRAIG Hmmm ELAINE except for Jerry!(laughs) CRAIG So did you see anything you'd like.... ELAINE Oh!!! CRAIG Cause I can get you a considerable discount. Elaine Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless.... CRAIG The Nicole Miller ELAINE Yeah..Yeah... CRAIG I'll take care of it. ELAINE Really....but I barely know you. CRAIG Well...hum.....we'll just have to do something about that. Won't we. ELAINE Ah! Ah!ah! Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving. JERRY Hey! Greg CRAIG It's Craig JERRY Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine? CRAIG Yes lovely. Jerry You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend? CRAIG Well I could just sense it JERRY Because you know we used to go out. CRAIG Oh ! you did JERRY Oh Yeah we went way out and wild. ELAINE Hey Jerr... JERRY Hi Elaine. In comes a lady selling roses LADY Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig) Craig and Elaine both laugh JERRY How do you know she's not my wife? Cuts to the Jiffy Park GEORGE I want to know how did that get into my car? ATTENDANT Hey look ..You walk in to this city you got to expect things are gonna stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom. GEORGE That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard? ATTENDANT Here take a few shirts.... A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears. ATTENDANT I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get your car now, the keys seems to have been misplaced. KRAMER Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment. ATTENDANT Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs? KRAMER ...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind? ATTENDANT Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there , it's a Mary Kay car.... KRAMER Mary Kay uh? ATTENDANT Mary Kay car.. KRAMER (to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by.. Two prostitutes walk up to a car HOOKER Hey!! Whats happening? GEORGE We're gonna hang around here a little while....something funny going on here Cuts to Jerry's apartment ELAINE You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy. JERRY Well, what about the ponytail? ELAINE what about it? JERRY : C'mon Ponytail ...Get real. ELAINE All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress. JERRY Of course he did ..The guy's working ya. ELAINE Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked. JERRY Have you slept with him yet? ELAINE I just met him this morning. JERRY It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule. ELAINE . Well this is all very flattering... JERRY (interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch.... ELAINE Ok.... JERRY (continues)Like a shrimp farmer.... ELAINE OKAY!!! Cuts to the Majestic Theater. ETHAN Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best for last... KRAMER Oh yeah!! ETHAN Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat. Kramer Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular. Cuts to the Jiffy Park GEORGE S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? HOOKER Are you a cop?? GEORGE Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees. HOOKER Urghh They stink. GEORGE Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I want to know if I should just change parking lots. HOOKER Get lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here. GEORGE I'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty? HOOKER Fifteen? SUSAN (walks in) George? GEORGE Hi honey.. Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed. Scene cuts to George's apartment. SUSAN ..So you're telling me the truth? GEORGE Of Course I'm telling the truth. SUSAN Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that this can work. GEORGE Really! SUSAN Yeah. GEORGE Well then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and..... SUSAN There's no doubt. GEORGE Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it. SUSAN Cultivate it? GEORGE Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be dealt with. SUSAN I have no doubt George. Do you? GEORGE (hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo... Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street. ELAINE You know... I can't wait to get that dress.. CRAIG Yeah... It should arrive eminently. ELAINE Arrive? CRAIG. Yes! From Milan. ELAINE But you said it was in the store!. CRAIG No no no We sold out we had to order some more. ELAINE But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made....... CRAIG (Interrupts) Eeen!!! IAN Hey Craig. CRAIG Elaine this is Een. ELAINE Hi E-an IAN Een.. ELAINE E-an CRAIG Een... He's a friend a mine from England IAN (word missing) What are doing? CRAIG I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You should come by. I'll get you a great discount. IAN Maybe I will. Nice meeting you. ELAINE Oh..Nice to meet you. CRAIG Bye IAN ..Cheery-o ELAINE Bye Eeeen. ELAINE So you're giving him a discount too? CRAIG Hummm Why so surprised? ELAINE Hem!! No reason. Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv. JERRY You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION.... KRAMER Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in JERRY Turn in? KRAMER Yeah,I had a tough day JERRY It's only nine o clock. KRAMER Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win. JERRY I can't go to sleep at nine o clock! KRAMER Well you can go to your room and read. JERRY Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me. KRAMER But I'm tired.. JERRY Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's. KRAMER Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep.... JERRY Well that's all I got. KRAMER Can I sleep with you? JERRY Huh? KRAMER Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt. JERRY Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me. KRAMER Why? JERRY Why? KRAMER Yeah! JERRY Do I really have to explain why? KRAMER Well I......( Elaine pops in at that moment) ELAINE Hi!. KRAMER Hi...........What's that? ELAINE Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue. KRAMER Wow. ELAINE You want it? KRAMER Yeaaahmm.... ELAINE You can have ,I don't need it anymore. KRAMER Ooh Mama...( walks away) ELAINE Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig. JERRY Yeah Why? ELAINE Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry. JERRY So ,Who is he? ELAINE Some friend of his from England. JERRY Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam. ELAINE You're nuts! KRAMER How do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you? ELAINE What d'you mean? KRAMER What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato. ELAINE Aawwh Please..... KRAMER Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and now if you would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed. Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light and starts to read. KRAMER (softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on sale. Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning. GEORGE Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please. ATTENDANT Whats the problem GEORGE You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters. ATTENDANT Haaan! That is all hearsay. GEORGE Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please ATTENDANT Can't do it' GEORGE Whadday'mean.? ATTENDANT If you read the agreement you signed the deposit is not refundable. GEORGE Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either.. ATTENDANT What can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer Affairs. GEORGE . All right , just give me my car and let me get the hell out of here. ATTENDANT Well that's going to be a problem GEORGE Why? ATTENDANT It's all the way in the back. Can't get it out for a couple of days. GEORGE What are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!! ATTENDANT We ask that you please bear with us. GEORGE Bear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET THEIR CARS!!! ATTENDANT Ideally.. Scene cuts to the Andover shop. JERRY Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket. TELLER Certainly. May I ask why? JERRY ........For spite... TELLER Spite? JERRY That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me. TELLER I don't think you can return an item for spite. JERRY What do you mean? TELLER Well if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way,then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund JERRY That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is. TELLER Let me speak with the manager...excuse me .............Bob! (walks over to the manager and whispers) Teller ........spite.....(Manager walks over) BOB What seems to be the problem? JERRY Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back. BOB That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite. JERRY . Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it BOB Well you already said spite so...... JERRY But I changed my mind.. BOB No...you said spite...Too late. Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman. They make fun of a woman walking by. KRAMER It's Halloween (not sure) CHARMAINE Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's KRAMER Hey! Elaine.. JERRY OH! Hey!! KRAMER These are my friends Jerry and Elaine. JERRY & E Hi! How 'r u doing? CHARMAINE Hi I'm Charmaine ETHAN I'm Ethan KRAMER Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show. JERRY Hey You're staying with my friend George. ETHAN Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there. JERRY Well he doesn't even want himself there. (They all laugh) CHARMAINE Why don't you sit down and join us? JERRY All right. (sits down) ELAINE I can't I 've got to meet a friend. KRAMER Well what are we ...dog meat. Ethan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please. ETHAN (to Elaine) You've got really beautiful hair. Elaine Oh Thanks, thank you very much. ETHAN Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig.. JERRY They make wigs out of human hairs? Ethan ..And pay plenty for them. ELAINE Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care KRAMER Yeah. See ou later.. ALL Bye, now... CHARMAINE Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners Kramer Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?' CHARMAINE Yeah. But you gonna have to be really careful with it , it's my only backup. KRAMER Hey! Who do you think you're talking to. CHARMAINE Ok. Buh- bye! KRAMER Bye!! JERRY Bye! (they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone) ETHAN There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!. JERRY ...Guess so. Scene cuts to Elaine's appt. ELAINE Well, Here we are. CRAIG I....am..beat.(sits on the couch) ELAINE (sighs) CRAIG Ohh! that's nice. ELAINE So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in? CRAIG Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest thing. ELAINE Huh! CRAIG I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient . ELAINE Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive. CRAIG (yawns) ...Nno....I really don't...... Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan ETHAN How can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess... I just don't see them together at all A man approaches. JESSIE Ethan? ETHAN Yes.. JESSIE . Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's personal assistant. ETHAN . Right, Right. Both greet each other ETHAN How you doin'? JESSIE nice to see you.. ETHAN This is Jerry. JERRY Hello.. JESSIE . yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what brings you in to town. ETHAN I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat JESSIE You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense. JERRY (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ? JESSIE Yeah...I guess you could say that.. JERRY Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys ,sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies. JESSIE I dunno I just didn't think you were. JERRY Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that. JESSIE I dont know. I just didn't. JERRY Well it's very emasculating.. Jessie looks befuddled and leaves. Back to Elaine's phone rings. ELAINE Hello. BOB . Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He left this number. ELAINE Uhmmm huh! Is it important.? BOB Well..... ELAINE Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from Milan?. BOB Nicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers, in fact we have too many as it is. Elaine Well do you have any in a... size four.? BOB Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in tomorrow before Eleven. ELAINE (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. Elaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks They make wigs out of human hair....And pay plenty for them. she then picks up a pair of scissors.. Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store. Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind. and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with the walking stick and puts it on. He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking very much like a stereotype pimp. He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac KRAMER (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go. Out comes the hooker with a client. KRAMER Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going. HOOKER Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting Kramer) KRAMER Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren) POLICE Policer officer. Freeze right there. As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is to get his picture taken. POLICE OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... awright turn to your right...(Kramer hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP. KRAMER (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP!!! THE END |
THE FINALE PART 1 | THE FINALE PART 1 Written by Larry David (Monologue, on stage) JERRY It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work. (Jerry and George at Monks) GEORGE I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?" JERRY I know what you mean. GEORGE Do ya? JERRY It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again. GEORGE Same thing! JERRY Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you. GEORGE Excuse me. Are you using your catsup? WOMAN What do you think? You want to give him the catsup? MAN It's up to you. WOMAN You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time. JERRY So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies? GEORGE Nah - what for? JERRY To see a movie. GEORGE I've been to the movies. JERRY Not this movie. GEORGE They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it. JERRY Did you shower today? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered. GEORGE When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes! JERRY Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health. GEORGE Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health. WOMAN All right, we're done. You can have it now. GEORGE Oh, very gracious. (Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.) MAN Nice day GEORGE Yeah. JERRY What is that? KRAMER Hey! JoJo! JERRY Ey, ey! ELAINE All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer. KRAMER No, thank you. So what are you doing? JERRY Nothing. KRAMER Come on, let's go to the beach. GEORGE What are you crazy? KRAMER What? It's a beautiful day. JERRY Have a good time. KRAMER Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air. JERRY You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster? KRAMER Yeah, there's something in the air. (Kramer drives off) ELAINE Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back. JERRY Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone? ELAINE What? No good? JERRY Faux pas. ELAINE Faux pas? GEORGE Big hefty stinking faux pas. ELAINE Why? JERRY You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street." GEORGE On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make. JERRY It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish. GEORGE It's dismissive. JERRY It's pompous. GEORGE Why don't you think before you do something? ELAINE Here's a thought - Bye bye. (Exit Elaine) GEORGE Too much? (Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that. JERRY Hey - hey - hey! GEORGE What? JERRY Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend. GEORGE You're so uptight. JERRY Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. (Jerry listens to his answering machine) PHONE TAPE Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call? Thanks. JERRY Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough. GEORGE Who's he? JERRY He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry." GEORGE Our show, "Jerry"? JERRY Right. GEORGE "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE When? JERRY Today, like right now. GEORGE Right now? "Jerry"? JERRY "Jerry"! GEORGE He wants to talk about "Jerry"? JERRY He wants to talk about "Jerry"! GEORGE "Jerry"! JERRY "Jerry"! GEORGE Can I go like this? JERRY Sure! GEORGE No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets. JERRY Forget the sports jacket. GEORGE I won't feel like a writer. JERRY You're not a writer. GEORGE Right! (Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC) GEORGE Water. Need some water! Water here! JERRY Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time. GEORGE Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes. JERRY Don't blow this. GEORGE I will not blow this. JERRY If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts. GEORGE It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing. JERRY He might not want nothing. GEORGE Something, nothing, I could care less. JERRY He might want a show about anything and everything. GEORGE Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down! JERRY All right. RECEPTIONIST Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you GEORGE Magic time. JERRY What? (Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office) RECEPTIONIST Mr. Kimbrough. STU Hey, Jerry, good to see you. GEORGE Hey, hey, hey! STU How you been? JERRY Good, good. You remember George. STU George, good to see you. GEORGE Hello Stu. STU You remember Jay Crespi. GEORGE Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi? STU This is James Kimbrough. KIMBROUGH Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in. GEORGE Kimbrough. JERRY Don't spell. GEORGE K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H KIMBROUGH That's right. GEORGE It's a talent I have. KIMBROUGH Why don't we sit down, glad you're here. GEORGE Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp. JERRY Shut up, George. KIMBROUGH Can I get you anything? GEORGE What do we have in the fruit department? JERRY Oy. STU Pineapple. GEORGE Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things. KIMBROUGH Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old. GEORGE Been there, done that. KIMBROUGH Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers. GEORGE Water coolers? CRESPI We call it a water-cooler show. JERRY Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right? GEORGE See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines. JERRY Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show." GEORGE It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles. JERRY But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point. KIMBROUGH Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago. STU I have always loved it. KIMBROUGH He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out. CRESPI He totally flipped out. KIMBROUGH What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy. JERRY He's a little off the wall. CRESPI Oh yeah. STU Kramer. KIMBROUGH And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two. JERRY Definitely. GEORGE I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about. KIMBROUGH Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that? GEORGE Or we could get them together. Woo! (George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office) GEORGE Yeah! JERRY Yeah! (Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news) ELAINE Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello? JERRY Hi. Elaine, it's me. ELAINE Jerry, I'm on the other line. JERRY No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone. ELAINE I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency? JERRY The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California! ELAINE That's the emergency? JERRY Did you hear what I said? ELAINE I was on the other line talking to Jill. JERRY Jill? Well, why didn't you say so? ELAINE You said it was an emergency. JERRY So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk. (Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry) HELEN Congratulations, they're doing the show. MORTY They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six. HELEN She's not six-six. MORTY Jerry, you ever watch that? JERRY Yeah, it's pretty good. (George is telling his parents the news.) ESTELLE They picked up the show? GEORGE I'm moving to California. FRANK Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you. ESTELLE The NBC guy liked it? GEORGE Of course he liked it. ESTELLE He told you he liked it? GEORGE He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it. ESTELLE Well, what are you doing? GEORGE I'm writing. ESTELLE You know how to write? FRANK Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good. ESTELLE Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything. GEORGE Ma?! ESTELLE I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas? FRANK Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence! GEORGE I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing. ESTELLE Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me. (Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.) JERRY NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye. KRAMER Oh hey! JERRY Hey - how was the beach? KRAMER Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas JERRY I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing? KRAMER You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear. JERRY So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California! KRAMER You're moving to California? JERRY Yeah, only for a while. KRAMER Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back. JERRY No, I'll be back. KRAMER Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore. JERRY And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California. KRAMER Fling! (The group is sitting at their table at Monks) ELAINE So we can go anywhere we want? JERRY Anywhere. ELAINE Why are they doing this? JERRY I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years. ELAINE This is all very exciting. GEORGE So? Where are we going? KRAMER I say Japan. ELAINE Why Japan? KRAMER Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking. ELAINE Oh - I got it - how about Russia? JERRY Russia, it's so bleak. ELAINE It's not bleak - it's springtime. JERRY It's still bleak. ELAINE You can't be bleak in spring. JERRY You can be bleak in spring. GEORGE If you're bleak, you're bleak. ELAINE What about Switzerland? KRAMER Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh? GEORGE It's a bit hilly - no? ELAINE You're not going to do any walking. GEORGE What if I want to walk around a little? ELAINE So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up. GEORGE What if I'm at the bottom? ELAINE All right! You know what, just forget it! JERRY Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris? ELAINE I'll go to Paris. GEORGE Me too. KRAMER Oh yeah - oui oui. JERRY So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris. GROUP Yeah! (Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment) ELAINE Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go. JERRY Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation. ELAINE Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane? JERRY First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call? ELAINE All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris. (Knock at the door. Jerry answers.) NEWMAN Hello, Jerry. JERRY Hello, Newman. What gives? NEWMAN I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris? JERRY Yeah, that's right. NEWMAN Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French. JERRY Really. NEWMAN Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker. JERRY That's a shame. NEWMAN Take me! Take me! JERRY Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man! NEWMAN All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down. (The group arrives by limo to the airport) CAPTAIN Ah, Jerry? JERRY Yeah. CAPTAIN I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris? JERRY All set. We'll just grab the bags. CAPTAIN Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you. JERRY Just keeps on getting better and better. (Our heroes enter the plane) JERRY Not bad. ELAINE Wow! KRAMER The only way to fly. GEORGE This is it? (After take-off, the group chit-chats) GEORGE I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer. JERRY You're complaining about a private jet? GEORGE You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets? JERRY Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore. GEORGE Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one. ELAINE Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip. GEORGE This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough. JERRY You're not writing any letters! ELAINE Will you turn around? GEORGE Why? ELAINE You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate. GEORGE It's effeminate to sit like this? ELAINE Yes, I think it's a little effeminate. GEORGE How is this effeminate? ELAINE I don't know - it just is. GEORGE Kramer, what are you doing? JERRY Still got water in your ear? KRAMER Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain. GEORGE Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane. KRAMER I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore. GEORGE Kramer, don't be fooling around up here. GEORGE Kramer! CAPTAIN Hey, get the hell out of here! ELAINE What is that? GEORGE Oh my God! ELAINE What is that noise? What is that noise? JERRY Kramer, what the hell did you do? KRAMER I lost my balance. ELAINE Oh my God! ELAINE What's going on? JERRY Kramer! KRAMER It was an accident. GEORGE I told you to stop with the hopping. ELAINE Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die! GEORGE Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful. JERRY Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this. KRAMER I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah! GEORGE Jerry? Jerry can you hear me? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE There's something I have to tell you. JERRY What? What is it? GEORGE I cheated in the contest. ELAINE What? JERRY What? GEORGE The contest - I cheated. JERRY Why? GEORGE Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you. JERRY Great - I won. ELAINE Jerry, I gotta tell you something too. JERRY Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you. ELAINE No no - me first. JERRY Alright. ELAINE Jerry, I've always loved ..u.. GEORGE Hey - What's going on? KRAMER We're straightening out! ELAINE We're straightening out? JERRY We're straightening out! GEORGE We're straightening out! GROUP Yeah! (Outside the plane) CAPTAIN Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems. JERRY Where are we? CAPTAIN Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready. JERRY Okay. ELAINE Okay. JERRY We'll see you later. (In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts) ELAINE Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane? JERRY I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight. GEORGE I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane. ELAINE Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class. GEORGE First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane. JERRY Alright, I'll feel him out. GEORGE Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up. STRANGER Nice day. JERRY Another one? (A carjacking takes place in front of the group) ROBBER Alright fatso, out of the car. KRAMER I want to capture this. ROBBER Come on! Gimme your wallet. VICTIM Don't shoot. JERRY Well, there goes the money for the lipo. ELAINE See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya! GEORGE He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. ROBBER I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on. JERRY That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC. VICTIM Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything! JERRY Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane. KRAMER All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out. ELAINE Forget it. JERRY No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville. OFFICER All right, hold it right there. KRAMER What? OFFICER You're under arrest. JERRY Under arrest? What for? OFFICER Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code. ELAINE What? No, no - we didn't do anything. OFFICER That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: I never heard of that. OFFICER It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go. (In a cell, at the Latham County Jail) ELAINE The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy? GEORGE Why would we want to help somebody? ELAINE I know. GEORGE That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for. KRAMER The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people. ELAINE Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is. DEPUTY Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around. JERRY Oh, yeah. ELAINE Oh, yeah. DEPUTY You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country. GEORGE All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here. DEPUTY Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison. ELAINE What? GEORGE Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show. DEPUTY California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer. (Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office) CHILES Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on. (The phone rings) SECRETARY Jerry Seinfeld on the phone. CHILES You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away. PROSECUTOR So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? D.A. HOYT Uh huh. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything. THE END |
THE KEYS | THE KEYS Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..." OPENING SCENE Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts. JERRY'S BRAIN What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there. (Jerry notices his door is open.) JERRY'S BRAIN What the hell...? Why is the door open? (Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment, and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns on the light.) JERRY Kramer, what are you doing here!? KRAMER Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper. JERRY You scared me! KRAMER It's just me. JERRY That's enough! KRAMER Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.) New scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly trying to get in the door. JERRY C'mon...c'mon... (Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads for the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble bath in his tub.) JERRY Kramer! What are you doing?! KRAMER What does it look like I'm doing? What? JERRY Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go! KRAMER Alright, alright... JERRY C'mon! KRAMER Sorry. JERRY Move it! Move it! Get going! KRAMER My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.) JERRY Is that my towel? (Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's floor from the other side of the door.) New scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door with a girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND I'm really happy the movie was sold out. JERRY Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment? GIRLFRIEND I'm from Witchita, so... JERRY Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.) GIRLFRIEND Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry! JERRY The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.) GIRLFRIEND That was close! JERRY Did you see the look on that guy's face? GIRLFRIEND You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.) JERRY Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?! KRAMER Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies. JERRY All right, that's it. Hand 'em over. KRAMER What? JERRY What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges. KRAMER Oh, come on! JERRY No, come on! KRAMER What, what, I thought you went to the movies! JERRY It was sold out! KRAMER Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out? JERRY That's the point. KRAMER What point? JERRY Just, look, just give the keys. KRAMER Just give me another chance! JERRY Don't ask me! KRAMER I'm asking you! JERRY I'm telling you. KRAMER You're joking. JERRY I'm serious! KRAMER It's not going to happen again! JERRY Yes it will, now give me those keys! (Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses his footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down with him.) KRAMER O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.) New scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving his spare keys to Elaine. JERRY So put 'em in a safe place. ELAINE I will. JERRY Where? ELAINE I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset? JERRY I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different. ELAINE Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back. JERRY I can't. (There's a gentle knock at the door.) ELAINE Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.) JERRY Who's there? KRAMER Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the... ELAINE Oh, I'm not, uh... KRAMER No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of the keys." ELAINE Jerry, give him the keys back. JERRY Elaine... (Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let her. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer breaks it up.) KRAMER I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you. JERRY Take the keys. KRAMER I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.) JERRY O.K.! KRAMER Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back. JERRY Your spare set? KRAMER That's right. JERRY You want 'em back? KRAMER Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best. (Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his drawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.) New scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring to George. GEORGE Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say. KRAMER Say yes! Yes, George. Yes! GEORGE Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys. KRAMER Well, you can get 'em back. GEORGE I suppose I could. KRAMER Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you. GEORGE Me? KRAMER Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George. GEORGE Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.) WAITRESS Hi, are you ready to order? (George tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.) KRAMER Do you ever yearn? GEORGE Yearn? Do I yearn? KRAMER I yearn. GEORGE You yearn. KRAMER Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned? GEORGE Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned. KRAMER Look at you. GEORGE Aw, Kramer, don't start... KRAMER You're wasting your life. GEORGE I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life! KRAMER O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job? GEORGE No. KRAMER You got money? GEORGE No. KRAMER Do you have a woman? GEORGE No. KRAMER Do you have any prospects? GEORGE No. KRAMER You got anything on the horizon? GEORGE Uh...no. KRAMER Do you have any action at all? GEORGE No. KRAMER Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? GEORGE I like to get the Daily News! KRAMER George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys. GEORGE Why? KRAMER I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug. GEORGE Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too. KRAMER No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie. GEORGE "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired! KRAMER I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me? GEORGE Uh, no, I'm not. KRAMER Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.) GEORGE You're not really gonna go to California, are you? KRAMER Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.) New scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up his spare keys from Elaine. GEORGE Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you. ELAINE Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours? GEORGE I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother." ELAINE That's ridiculous. GEORGE That's Kramer. ELAINE I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back. GEORGE What for? ELAINE 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry. GEORGE Jerry? Why? ELAINE 'Cause he gave me his. GEORGE So what? ELAINE So, if he has my keys, I should have his. GEORGE Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours. ELAINE I just said the same thing to you. GEORGE What? ELAINE What? GEORGE Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer? ELAINE Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends. New scene, Jerry's apartment the next day. JERRY Did you bring the keys? GEORGE Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission. JERRY This could be an emergency! GEORGE You never should have taken away his keys! JERRY I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.) GEORGE How'd the Mets do? JERRY They lost. (Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.) JERRY Kramer? (Newman walks up behind them.) NEWMAN Hello, boys. JERRY Hello, Newman. NEWMAN You lookin' for someone? JERRY Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood! NEWMAN Coy? I'm not being coy. JERRY Is he being coy? GEORGE Yeah, coy. JERRY You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman? NEWMAN Who? JERRY Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now! NEWMAN Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses. JERRY Turn around, George. GEORGE Sure. (Turns around.) NEWMAN George? JERRY Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.) NEWMAN Help! Help! JERRY Where's Kramer? NEWMAN HELP! (Elaine enters.) ELAINE What's going on? (Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.) NEWMAN They're gonna beat me up! GEORGE No we're not. JERRY We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer. NEWMAN You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap. JERRY Bad rap? NEWMAN Yeah. From you. JERRY Me? NEWMAN You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A. JERRY L.A.? (Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music. The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe it.) Commercial break. New scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window, George and Elaine are on the couch). JERRY I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it? ELAINE Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullsh*t. JERRY Huh? ELAINE What...? JERRY No, what'd you say? ELAINE Nothing. I didn't say anything. JERRY Oh, you didn't see it. ELAINE Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep. JERRY I heard you say something, there. ELAINE I didn't say anything. JERRY I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down! GEORGE Ask her about Kramer. JERRY She's drunk out of her mind. (Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the highway. He tries to thumb a ride.) New scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to unlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the coffee shop to call Elaine. JERRY Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop. New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a motorcycle. KRAMER Hey! You ever been in an accident? BIKER About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it! Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know, when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed 'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! (The biker goes into a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.) New scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George. George enters, spare keys in hand. JERRY Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner. GEORGE Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment. JERRY Don't feel right? What are you talking about? GEORGE Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in? JERRY What is the big deal? GEORGE Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys. JERRY First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys. GEORGE Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her. JERRY Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.) GEORGE Nope, no can do. JERRY George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical! GEORGE Do you wanna fight? JERRY Do you wanna fight? GEORGE I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.) New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time with a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them a story as they go down the road... KRAMER And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince. HIPPIE #1 Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way. KRAMER Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world. HIPPIE #1 Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh? KRAMER Oh, he's cold. HIPPIE #1 Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do! KRAMER Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here! HIPPIE #1 Hey, what's the rush, man? KRAMER Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now. HIPPIE #1 Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man? KRAMER What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody) HIPPIE #2 Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.) New scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach Elaine's door, still arguing about the keys. JERRY Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine. GEORGE You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of sh*t. JERRY What's that? GEORGE Nothing. JERRY I heard something. GEORGE Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.) New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time with a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler. KRAMER So, how long you been drivin' this thing? WOMAN Goin' on four years. KRAMER Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi. WOMAN Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite the sweet-talker. KRAMER You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle. WOMAN You want to give it a try? KRAMER Really? WOMAN Do you know how to double-clutch? KRAMER Yeah. WOMAN Well, come on! (They trade places and Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.) New scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for Jerry's spare keys. GEORGE They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here! JERRY Well, this is great. GEORGE Well, what do they look like? JERRY They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What do they look like." GEORGE Well, they're obviously not here. JERRY Well, they've gotta be here somewhere. GEORGE Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment! JERRY What is this? "Murphy Brown"? GEORGE What? JERRY By Elaine Benes? GEORGE What? JERRY Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"? GEORGE Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.) JERRY Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.) GEORGE Gimme half! JERRY All right, here! GEORGE Why didn't she tell us? JERRY Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.) ELAINE You weasels! JERRY What? What? ELAINE How dare you! GEORGE We hardly read anything! JERRY It was funny! ELAINE Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny? JERRY Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw... ELAINE Well, it's just a first draft! JERRY I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys. ELAINE Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.) GEORGE He forced me to! JERRY I did not! GEORGE Yes you did! ELAINE You! Get out! Get out! Get out! JERRY Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys! ELAINE Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore! JERRY Good! ELAINE And I want my keys back from you! GEORGE What, you don't want me to hold your keys? ELAINE No, you can't be trusted! GEORGE Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.) JERRY And I don't want you to hold mine! ELAINE Good! I won't! JERRY Good! Don't! Are these my keys? ELAINE These aren't my keys! GEORGE Whose are these? ELAINE I don't know! (Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown roller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some guy on a scooter.) Commercial break. New scene, Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's apartment. ELAINE I just thought I could write it. JERRY Is that something you want to do? ELAINE I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money. JERRY Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other. ELAINE O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole. JERRY What did you say? ELAINE I didn't say anything. JERRY I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! ELAINE Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! JERRY Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk! (Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.) CANDICE BERGEN Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary. KRAMER Oh, good morning, Miss Brown. CANDICE BERGEN And you are...? KRAMER Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell. CANDICE BERGEN Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell. KRAMER Steven. CANDICE BERGEN Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system? KRAMER Oh - I'm familiar with it. CANDICE BERGEN Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good feeling about you. THE END |
THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1 | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1 Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Comedy club) JERRY I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. (as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.' (Yankee Stadium) Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing in his wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and looking flustered. WILHELM And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for The cigarettes and the dive checks. GEORGE Sorry, the players will be reimbursed? WILHELM The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself. GEORGE Sorry, Mr Wilhelm. WILHELM Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here George. You've got to pay attention. GEORGE I know, sir. It won't happen again. WILHELM Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh. Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he opens the door to the men's room and strolls through. WILHELM Lemme think here. George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks better of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against the wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return. (Elaine's Office) Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue. PETERMAN Elaine. ELAINE Hi, Mr Peterman. PETERMAN You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy. ELAINE I do. PETERMAN It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh. ELAINE The pygmy pullover. PETERMAN Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot. ELAINE Whatever. PETERMAN But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would go in my stead. ELAINE Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing to go? PETERMAN I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque. He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits. ELAINE Wow. (Yankee Stadium) George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting a while. He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he finds Wilhelm emerging from a stall, and still talking. WILHELM ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr Steinbrenner is very interested in this. Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts to bluff it out. GEORGE Yes, sir. WILHELM (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I want you to make this project a top priority. GEORGE I will, sir. Top priority. WILHELM (exiting) Top priority. GEORGE Top priority. George throws up his arms in despair. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened. GEORGE So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time. JERRY He pulled an LBJ on you. GEORGE LBJ? JERRY Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers. GEORGE No kidding? JERRY Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal. GEORGE Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is. JERRY Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there. GEORGE I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him. JERRY You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice. GEORGE Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work. The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer is carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating the odd morsel. Newman has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one of the bottles. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Can I have my keys... KRAMER (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah. JERRY (catching keys) ...back, please? KRAMER You shoulda come, Jerry. NEWMAN We made quite a haul. GEORGE Where'd you go? KRAMER Price club. GEORGE Why didn't you take your car? KRAMER Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is. Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin. KRAMER What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't throw that away. NEWMAN Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling thing. KRAMER You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents. NEWMAN (taking bottle) Refund? KRAMER Yes. JERRY Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing? NEWMAN I don't know, they're deranged. Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, Newman Still reading the bottle. GEORGE Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place? JERRY No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction. GEORGE Awright, I'll see you later. George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom. NEWMAN (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'? KRAMER That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents. NEWMAN Ten cents!? KRAMER Yeah. NEWMAN Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference. KRAMER No, it doesn't work. NEWMAN What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together... KRAMER Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work. JERRY (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you? KRAMER No, no, I'm off that. NEWMAN You tried it? KRAMER Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy. JERRY (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other? NEWMAN/KRAMER (simultaneous) No problem. You bet. Jerry exits, shaking his head. (Sotheby's) An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform with a lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, with catalogues And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter. JERRY Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know Those two idiots did something to it. ELAINE No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here. JERRY Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress. Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over. SUE ELLEN Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry. ELAINE Hi Sue Ellen. JERRY Hi Sue Ellen. SUE ELLEN I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of high society? ELAINE (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking. JERRY I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society. SUE ELLEN Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget. Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their way to their seats, ELAINE (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching TV, While Newman has been working something out on a pad. NEWMAN I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler? KRAMER No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league. NEWMAN I wanna learn. I want to know why. (Sotheby's) A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform. ELAINE (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those. AUCTIONEER Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding at four thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars? A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid. AUCTIONEER I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do I have six? Six thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. I have six thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred? Elaine raises her paddle to bid. AUCTIONEER Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred? Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful. AUCTIONEER The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. Sixty-five hundred going once... Jerry and Elaine think they've got them. SUE ELLEN Eight thousand. AUCTIONEER Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now eight thousand dollars. ELAINE (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred! AUCTIONEER We have eighty-five... SUE ELLEN Nine thousand. AUCTIONEER Nine thousand dollars. JERRY Think she wants those clubs. AUCTIONEER Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred... ELAINE Ninety-five hundred. SUE ELLEN Ten thousand. AUCTIONEER Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten thousand going once... JERRY Well, that's your ceiling. AUCTIONEER Ten thousand going twice... Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk. ELAINE (determined) Eleven thousand! SUE ELLEN Twelve thousand. ELAINE (angrier) Thirteen thousand! SUE ELLEN Fourteen thousand. ELAINE (vicious) Fifteen thousand!! Jerry buries his face in his hands. (Jerry's Car) Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs can be seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car. ELAINE Peterman is gonna kill me. JERRY I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand. ELAINE Why didn't you stop me? JERRY Do you hear this clunking? ELAINE (listening) A little. (Jerry's Car, later) The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building. ELAINE Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow. JERRY Okay. ELAINE Alrighty, bye. JERRY Bye. Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, when he Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood. JERRY What's going on here? Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood. JERRY Oh God! Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, it becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on and around the engine compartment. JERRY (angry) Oh, you idiots! (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch. NEWMAN So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and mean? KRAMER Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is. JERRY Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car? KRAMER (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those. NEWMAN (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is. JERRY And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking? KRAMER We ran outta space. JERRY Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out. KRAMER Ah, Tony, he's good. JERRY Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me. KRAMER (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?' JERRY No, thank you. (Auto Shop) Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof and along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense. TONY (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car. JERRY Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up... Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins Ferreting about. JERRY There's really nothing wrong on the inside. TONY Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that? JERRY No, I hadn't noticed. TONY (accusingly) Have you been picking at it? JERRY Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear. TONY (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see. JERRY The engine is really the only thing that needs checking. TONY You been rotating the tires? JERRY Try to. TONY (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.' (Elaine's Office) PETERMAN Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount I authorised you to spend. ELAINE I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard... PETERMAN Well, where are they? ELAINE (ingratiatingly) They should be here today. (George's Office) George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge. GEORGE Uh, Mr Wilhelm. WILHELM (entering the office) Yes George. GEORGE Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, My assignment. WILHELM Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know. GEORGE Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what do you think would be the very best way to get started? WILHELM (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George. GEORGE Well, I was wondering... WILHELM You mean you haven't been to payroll? GEORGE Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that. WILHELM Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down! Wilhelm leaves. GEORGE Payroll!! George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has gone, and darts off down the corridor. Payroll Office) A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters. GEORGE Hello there. I'm George Costanza. CLERK Yes? GEORGE Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) I'm uh, working on the project. CLERK What project? GEORGE Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project. CLERK You're gonna have to fill me in. GEORGE You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around. CLERK (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come Back here. GEORGE Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him. CLERK Well, maybe I will. GEORGE (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me. CLERK (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project? George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's side of the converstion. CLERK (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, thank you. The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant. CLERK (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever you need, just uh, make yourself at home. GEORGE So he explained it all to you? CLERK Yes, he explained it all very clearly. GEORGE What'd he tell you? CLERK (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to humiliate me about it, alright! (Newman's Apartment} Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding machine and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle scam'. There are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the table and maps of the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps out a series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then looks at what he's written on his pad. NEWMAN Damn! Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his mother. A thought occurs. NEWMAN Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. Mother's Day?! He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He mouths numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he finishes he tears the paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad. NEWMAN (triumphant) Yessss! In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda. NEWMAN Ahaha! (Hallway) Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his fist. He waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin. NEWMAN Come on Kramer! The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding a razor, with foam on his face. KRAMER Wha...? NEWMAN It's the truck, Kramer. The truck! KRAMER Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go. NEWMAN No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan. KRAMER (interested) Uh-huh. NEWMAN But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck. KRAMER (realisation) Mother's Day. NEWMAN The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck. KRAMER A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent. NEWMAN (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours! KRAMER Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it! NEWMAN (triumph) Let the collecting begin! They embrace joyfully. (Montage of scenes) A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches into her bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, picks up the can and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by the can's disappearance. Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots about beneath the plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle to Newman, who drops it into his sack. In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf behind Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind him, takes the tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack. Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes a shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few coins onto the sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves his cart to retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold of the cart and races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking a fist and yelling after him. Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, who Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty bottles already on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman reluctantly begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps him on the stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the table. A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms and shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed. George's Office) George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily along the Corridor and enters the office. WILHELM So... George snaps awake. WILHELM ...did you go down to payroll? GEORGE (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... Paid off. WILHELM (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh? GEORGE Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely. WILHELM Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out. GEORGE (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project? WILHELM Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says. GEORGE The song? WILHELM There's your answer. Downtown. Wilhelm leaves. GEORGE (thoughtful) Downtown. (Monk's) George and Jerry in a booth. JERRY The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be Going downtown? GEORGE I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning. JERRY Okay, so how does it go? GEORGE 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...' JERRY '... downtown.' GEORGE 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...' JERRY '...downtown.' GEORGE Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes? JERRY Seven-eleven? GEORGE 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area? JERRY No, that's midtown. GEORGE 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...' JERRY '...down town.' GEORGE 'Things'll be great, when you're...' JERRY '...downtown.' GEORGE I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing. JERRY Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...' GEORGE You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess? JERRY How can you lose? (Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office) Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the messages. TONY Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four. Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, and Jerry answers. JERRY Hello. ELAINE Hi, it's me. JERRY Oh, hi. ELAINE Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman. JERRY Oh, you know what? ELAINE (worry) Oh no. What? JERRY Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car. ELAINE You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car? JERRY I forgot. ELAINE Oh, go down and get them. JERRY I can't. The car's at the mechanics. ELAINE Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself. JERRY No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street? ELAINE (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine. (Outside Auto Shop) Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real intense. JERRY Hey, Tony. TONY Thanks for coming in, Jerry. JERRY Sure. TONY I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it? JERRY Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here... TONY Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket. JERRY I really wanna... TONY Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles. JERRY How much money is this gonna cost me? TONY (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're Talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid? JERRY The washer fluid is fine. TONY (angry) The washer fluid is not fine! JERRY Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else. TONY What d'you mean? JERRY Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way. TONY Well, the car's on a lift. JERRY Well, just get it down. TONY (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around. JERRY Okay. Thank you, very much. Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives. ELAINE Hey. Where's the car? JERRY He's bringing it. ELAINE Good. There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry and Elaine and Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and at each other in astonishment. THE END |
THE CHINESE RESTAURANT | THE CHINESE RESTAURANT Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?" (Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant) ELAINE No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that. GEORGE Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean. JERRY I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping. ELAINE You should run for mayor. JERRY Ehh, nobody listens. ELAINE Where is someone? I'm starving. GEORGE I think this is him right here. ELAINE Is there a table ready? RESTAURANT MANAGER How many? ELAINE How many? JERRY Is Tatiana coming? GEORGE I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all. JERRY Really? I thought things were going OK. GEORGE They were, it's kinda complicated. JERRY Well what is it? ELAINE How many? JERRY Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld. BRUCE Four. It'll be five, ten minutes. GEORGE What do you wanna do? ELAINE Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry. JERRY We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie. GEORGE I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone? JERRY Tatiana... (George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it) GEORGE Excuse me, are you gonna be very long? (guy on phone just turns the other way without answering) BRUCE Lashbrook(sp?), 4! JERRY So did I do a terrible thing? ELAINE You mean lying to your uncle? JERRY I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied! GEORGE You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat. ELAINE Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away. JERRY Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. GEORGE He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look. ELAINE Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it? JERRY Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house. ELAINE Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things. GEORGE I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in? (Jerry stares at someone) ELAINE What? JERRY There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt? ELAINE I've never seen her before. JERRY I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy. (a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine) MAN Oh, Excuse me. ELAINE I'm sorry. (the group just walks right into the dining room) ELAINE Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table. JERRY Well maybe they were here from before. ELAINE No no no, they weren't here before. GEORGE Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call. (guy on phone turns away again) ELAINE Find out what's going on! JERRY Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them. ELAINE Yeah. BRUCE What's your name? JERRY Seinfeld. (Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese) BRUCE No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2! ELAINE Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick. JERRY Boy, you are really hungry. GEORGE Hey! (guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes over to Jerry) GEORGE If anything happens here, can I count on you? JERRY What? GEORGE If we decide to go at it. JERRY Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble... GEORGE I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy. ELAINE I'm gonna faint... JERRY George, who is that woman in the stripes? GEORGE I don't know her. JERRY She looks so familiar. ELAINE Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate. JERRY I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. ELAINE What do you mean? JERRY You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks. GEORGE What are they gonna do? JERRY They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives. ELAINE 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks? JERRY 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples. ELAINE OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something... JERRY No, no tricks. ELAINE Should I do it, George? GEORGE For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow. ELAINE Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it. (Elaine goes over to the table, smiling) ELAINE I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls. (the people at the table are confused) ELAINE I'll give you 25 if you let me do it. PEOPLE AT TABLE What? What is she talking about? What did she say? (Elaine runs from the table, laughing) JERRY What happened? ELAINE Did you see that? GEORGE What were you doing? ELAINE I offered them 25, they had no idea... JERRY George, the phone's free. GEORGE Alleluia. (as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing) GEORGE Excuse me, I was waiting here. WOMAN AT PHONE Where? I didn't see you. GEORGE I've been standing here for the last ten minutes! WOMAN Well I won't be long. GEORGE That's not the point. The point is I was here first. WOMAN Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. GEORGE You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way. (he goes over to Jerry and Elaine) GEORGE Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no! (guy on phone approaches George) GUY Hey, sorry I took so long. GEORGE Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it. ELAINE How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good. JERRY I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that? GEORGE Yeah, well, he probably bought it. JERRY So what happened with Tatiana? GEORGE I shouldn't even tell you this. JERRY Come on... GEORGE Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment. JERRY I'm with you. GEORGE Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need... JERRY This could only happen to you. GEORGE So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left". JERRY You said this to her after. GEORGE No. During. JERRY Oh, boy. GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Wow! So...? GEORGE So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone. (Elaine comes over) ELAINE I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again. JERRY Who is that woman?! ELAINE Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough. GEORGE She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone) ELAINE Jerry, talk to that guy again. JERRY What am I gonna say? ELAINE Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late. (as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in) MR. COHEN Hey, what stinks in here? BRUCE Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. MR. COHEN Well, I've been looking for a better place. (Bruce laughs) BRUCE Better place... Want a table? MR. COHEN No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here. BRUCE Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table. JERRY Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in. BRUCE Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here. ELAINE He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean? BRUCE Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue. ELAINE Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?! GEORGE She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone. JERRY Didja leave a message? GEORGE Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call. ELAINE Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman... JERRY Where do I know her? (woman in stripes approaches Jerry) LORRAINE Hello, Jerry! JERRY Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'? LORRAINE How is everything? JERRY Good, good, good... What's goin' on? LORRAINE Oh, working hard. And you? JERRY Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever. LORRAINE You haven't been around in a while. JERRY I know, I know... Well, you know. LORRAINE You should come by. JERRY Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that. ELAINE Hi, I'm Elaine. LORRAINE Lorraine. Catalano. JERRY I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine... (They all laugh, then silent) LORRAINE Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she leaves) ELAINE Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine! JERRY Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble. ELAINE The one you broke the plans with tonight? JERRY Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle... JERRY ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me. ELAINE You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie. JERRY Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made! (Elaine nods) JERRY Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately. ELAINE Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money. JERRY In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money? ELAINE Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks. GEORGE 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive? ELAINE Well what do you want to give him, change? GEORGE It's more than the meal! JERRY Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways. GEORGE Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much! JERRY I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it? GEORGE Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested. ELAINE I guess it's you, Jer. JERRY Me? What about you? ELAINE Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing. JERRY The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they? ELAINE Give me the money. (Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention) ELAINE How's it going'? BRUCE Very busy. (Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce) ELAINE Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down. BRUCE Very good specials tonight. (Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book) ELAINE If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it. BRUCE What is your name? (he turns the page over the money) ELAINE No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page) BRUCE Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh. ELAINE Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it! (Bruce shrugs and takes it) BRUCE Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready. ELAINE No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table. JERRY You lost the 20. ELAINE Well, how could he do that? GEORGE You didn't make it clear. ELAINE Make it clear? JERRY What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back. (goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my friend here apparently made a mistake. BRUCE Your name? JERRY Seinfeld. BRUCE Yeah, Seinfeld 4! JERRY No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair? (Elaine waves at him, smiling) BRUCE Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend? JERRY Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here. BRUCE Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together- JERRY Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be? BRUCE Oh. In about five, ten minutes. (Jerry goes over to Elaine and George) GEORGE So? JERRY There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy. ELAINE So when are we gonna eat? JERRY Five, ten minutes. GEORGE We should have left earlier. I told you. JERRY I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie. ELAINE Oh, well I have to eat. JERRY Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab. ELAINE Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab? JERRY We'll eat it in the movie. ELAINE Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there? JERRY Well what do you suggest? ELAINE I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down. JERRY I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something. BRUCE Cartwright? ELAINE I can't have popcorn for dinner! BRUCE Cartwright? ELAINE I have to eat! JERRY So they have hotdogs there. ELAINE Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor. GEORGE I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check. (goes over to Bruce) GEORGE Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza? BRUCE Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up. GEORGE Well, was it for Costanza or... BRUCE Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered. GEORGE Well was it a woman? BRUCE Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up. (George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned) GEORGE She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her. JERRY Who's Cartwright? GEORGE I'm Cartwright! JERRY You're not Cartwri- GEORGE Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood. ELAINE Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'. JERRY So You're not going? ELAINE You don't need us. JERRY Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's. GEORGE Should we tell him we're leaving? ELAINE What for? Let's just get out of here. (they all leave) BRUCE Seinfeld, 4? (closing monologue) JERRY Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!" THE END |
THE PONY REMARK | THE PONY REMARK Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Night club) JERRY My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn't want to move to Floriday, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, "Let's go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop it!" I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversation's so boring. It's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, what if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset. "No, I'm alright. I was just a little bored, there. No, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there." (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's parents are in town. His father's watching T.V., his mother is ironing his father's jackets) HELEN (To Morty) You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? (He doesn't respond) What's wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear - this! (Phone rings) MORTY Are you getting that? HELEN I thought you were getting it. MORTY Should I pick up? HELEN You want me to get that? MORTY I'll get it! HELEN I'll get it! (They both go for the phone, Helen gets to it first) HELEN Hello?.. Hello? (She hangs up. Jerry enters - he's wearing baseball clothes and carrying a bat and glove) JERRY (Talking about the loud T.V.) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street! (Turns it off) MORTY So, how'd you do? JERRY We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment of my life. HELEN This is your greatest moment? A game? JERRY Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course. MORTY You know what my greatest moment was, don't you? 1946. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat. HELEN Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? JERRY Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing. HELEN But it's their 50th anniversary. MORTY You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go. JERRY First of all, I made plans with Elaine. HELEN So bring her. JERRY I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life. MORTY I don't know her either. (Gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Floriday for this, and then she criticizes my jacket. HELEN At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave. MORTY How come he gets to leave? JERRY If I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation. MORTY And it's always about Jeffrey, right? JERRY Hey, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Morty, are you coming in? MORTY Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it. KRAMER (To Jerry) Hey, how'd you do? JERRY We won. We're in the finals on Wednesday.. KRAMER Yeah! JERRY (To Kramer and Morty) What is this about? KRAMER I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle. JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER Levels. JERRY Levels? KRAMER Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt. JERRY You drew up plans for this? KRAMER No, no. It's all in my head. MORTY I don't know how you're going to be comfortable like that. KRAMER Oh, I'll be comfortable. JERRY When do you intend to do this? KRAMER Ohh.. should be done by the end of the month. JERRY You're doing this yourself? KRAMER It's a simple job. Why, you don't think I can? JERRY Oh, no. It's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't. KRAMER Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber. MORTY Hey, that's some big job. JERRY I don't see it happening. KRAMER Well, this time, this time you're wrong. C'mon. I'll even bet you. JERRY Seriously? HELEN I dont' want you betting. Morty, don't let him bet. KRAMER A big dinner with dessert. But I've got till the end of the month. JERRY I'll give you a year. KRAMER No, no, no. End of the month. JERRY It's a bet. (They both "pinkie swear" to lock the deal) (Scene ends) (Manya's apartment) (Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Leo grabs his choulder) JERRY Seriously, do you wnat to switch chairs? ELAINE No, no. I'm fine. LEO Jerry, are you listening to this? JERRY Yeah, Uncle Leo. LEO So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation. JERRY Right. For reducing the pond scum? LEO No, for the walking tours. JERRY Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life - the edible foliage tour. LEO That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he's talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls? JERRY Mickey Mantle? ELAINE (Helping him worm out of the conversation with Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great! JERRY (Eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavor. ELAINE Mmm.. phenomenal peas.. MORTY Are you ready for dessert? JERRY Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going. MANYA (Surprised) You're going? ELAINE I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting. JERRY Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance. MANYA Can't dance? HELEN He's kidding, Manya. MANYA Is that a joke? HELEN (Canging subject) So, did you hear Claire's getting married? MANYA Yeah, yeah.. HELEN I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers. JERRY Horses. They're like big riding dogs. ELAINE What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies.. JERRY I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. MANYA ..I had a pony. (The room is dead quiet) JERRY ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se. MANYA (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that? JERRY Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressting.. HELEN Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee? MANYA He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him. JERRY Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony? MANYA You! You said so! JERRY No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.. MANYA That's it! I've had enough! (She leaves the room) ISAAC Have your coffee, everyone. She's a little upset. It's been an emotional day. (Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry) JERRY I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come hre if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong? (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Morty and Helen are leaving, their bags are packed) JERRY I'll drive you to the airport. HELEN No, we're taking a cab. JERRY I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. HELEN Don't be rediculous. It was a misunderstanding. MORTY Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony. JERRY Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible. HELEN You know, you should give Manya a call. JERRY Maybe I will. (Jerry opens his door, Kramer's standing in the hallway) KRAMER Oh, hi. I just came to say goodbye. (Gestures to the bags) ..Need any help with those? MORTY It's nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along? KRAMER Oh, well.. I decided I'm not gonna do it. JERRY (Sarcastically) Really? What a shock. HELEN Goodbye, Jerry. JERRY Take care. HELEN We'll call you. (Leaves) MORTY Bye, Jer. JERRY Bye, Dad. Take it easy. MORTY Bye, Mr. Kramer. KRAMER Yeah. So long, Morty. (Morty leaves) JERRY So, when do I get my dinner? KRAMER There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it. JERRY Yes. I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet. KRAMER There's not bet if I' not doing it. JERRY That's the bet! That you're not doing it! KRAMER Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't want to do it. JERRY We didn't bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done. KRAMER And it could be done. JERRY Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it's done. Show me the levels! The bet is the levels. KRAMER But I don't want the levels! JERRY That's the bet! (Phone rings, Jerry answers it) Hello? ..No, oh, hi.. no, they just left.. Oh my God.. hand on a second. Maybe I can still catch them. (Jerry goes over to the window, and opens it. He yells out of it) Ma!.. Ma!.. Up here! Don't get in the cab! .. Manya died! ..Manya died!! (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) HELEN Who did you talk to? JERRY Uncle Leo. HELEN And when's the funeral? JERRY I don't know. He said he'd call back. MORTY You know what this means, don't you? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable. HELEN She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless.. JERRY What? HELEN What? Nothing. JERRY You don't think.. What? The pony remark? HELEN Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. JERRY You don't think that I killed her? MORTY You know what the flight back'll cost us? JERRY It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony! MORTY Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think. JERRY The whole thing ws taking out of context. It was a joke. (Phone rings) That's probably Uncle Leo. (Helen picks it up) HELEN Hello? ..Yes, I know.. Well, it's just one of those things.. Sure, sure, we'll see you then. (Hangs up) The funeral's Wednesday. JERRY Wednesday? What, what Wednesday? HELEN Two o' clock, Wednesday. (Jerry shrugs) What? JERRY I've got the softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship. HELEN So? You're not obligated. Go play in your game. JERRY I didn't even know the woman. HELEN So don't go. JERRY I mean I met her three times. I don't know her last name. HELEN Jery, no one's forcing you. JERRY I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, it's the championship. I'm hitting everything. HELEN I don't have a dress to wear. (To Morty) And you. You don't have anything. MORTY I got a sport jacket. HELEN You're not wearing that to a funeral. MORTY What's wrong with it? HELEN It looks ridiculous. MORTY What? I'm gonna buy a new jacket now? JERRY I don't know what to do. MORTY ..You know what this funeral's gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy! (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. No is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going. (Scene ends) (Coffee Shop) ELAINE I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What time's your game? JERRY Two Forty-Five. ELAINE And what time's the funeral? JERRY Two o' clock. ELAINE How long does a funeral take? JERRY Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes. ELAINE So you cna't do both? JERRY You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand. ELAINE How can you even consider not going? GEORGE You know, I've been thinking.. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur. ELAINE You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I'm actually going to die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that. GEORGE They always make me take stock of my life and how I've pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it. JERRY I know, and then you say to yourself, "From this moment on, I'm not going to waste any more of it." But then you go, "How? What can I do that's not wasting it?" ELAINE Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you hae coffee with people? GEORGE You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. ELAINE He has to go. He may have killed her. JERRY Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. ELAINE Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one. GEORGE (To Jerry) Who's going to play left field? JERRY Bender. GEORGE Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up." ELAINE Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? GEORGE If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway? ELAINE George, I met this woman! She is not traveling to any other dimensions. GEORGE You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. It's all mental. JERRY Fifty years they were married. Now he's moving to Pheonix. ELAINE Phoenix? What's happening with his appartment? JERRY I don't know. They've been in there since, like, World War II. The rent's three hundred a month. ELAINE Three hundred a month? Oh my God. (Scene ends) (Funeral home) (The eulogy is in progress. Jerry attended afterall) MAN Although this may seem like a sad even, it should not be a day of mourning.. for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world - a simpler world - with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony.. (Jerry throws his hands up) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. It's lustrous coat, it's flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow. (Jery sinks in his seat) (Scene ends) (Anteroom of funeral parlor) JERRY (Looking at his watch) Well, the game's starting just about now. HELEN It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture. (Scene cuts to Morty talking to an intern) INTERN I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline. MORTY You've got your degree. They don't care. They just want to see something. (Scene cuts back to Jerry) JERRY (To Isaac) I just wanted to say how sorry I was.. LEO (Interrupting) Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside - so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. It's more money. So, that's your cousin. (Scene cuts back to Morty) MORTY You don't understand, I've never paid a full fare. JERRY (To Isaac) Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am abou tthe other night. ELAINE Oh, me too. ISAAC Oh no, no, no. She forgot all about that. She was much mor upset about the potato salad. ELAINE So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix? (Jerry shake his head and walks away) ISAAC Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would've liked Phoenix. ELAINE Mmm.. gorgeous, exquisite town. Who, what's happening with your apartment? ISAAC Of course it's very hot there. I'l lhave to get an air conditioner. ELAINE Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it out ot you.. but what about that big apartment on West End Avenue? ISAAC Although they say it's a dry heat. ELAINE Dry, wet.. what's happening with your apartment? ISAAC I don't even know if I should take my winter clothing. ELAINE I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I'll watch it for you and I'll live there and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it. (Jerry comes back) ISAAC Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking the apartment. ELAINE (to Jerry) Oh, Jeffrey. JERRY (To Elaine) You know Jeffery? ELAINE Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department. (Helen approaches Jerry) HELEN It's raining. JERRY (Moves to the window) It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomarrow. (Scene cuts back to Morty) MORTY Believe me, I wouldn't bother you if the army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here. INTERN I can't. I'll get in trouble. MORTY Oh, for God's sakes! (Scene ends) (Coffee Shop) GEORGE Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of. JERRY It's never happend to me before. ELAINE I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?" JERRY I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. GEORGE And they in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? JERRY I thought there were two outs. ELAINE I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something. JERRY It was the single worst moment of my life. GEORGE What about Sharon Besser? JERRY Oh, well, of course. 1973. ELAINE Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it? JERRY Wonder about what? ELAINE You know.. the spirit world. JERRY You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? ELAINE I never saw anyone play like that. JERRY But I went ot the funeral. ELAINE Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her. GEORGE Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. JERRY Don't you think she would've heard I was there? GEORGE Not necessarily. (Elaine laughs) JERRY Who figures and immigrant's gonna have a pony? (Scene ends) (Night Club) JERRY What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!" So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right ther, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there." THE END |
THE DEALERSHIP | THE DEALERSHIP Written by Steve Koren (A car dealership) (Jerry and George are looking over some cars) GEORGE When are they gonna have the flying cars, already? JERRY Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.. GEORGE Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner. JERRY I think Ed Begley Jr. has one. GEORGE No. That's just electric. JERRY What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one. GEORGE (Sarcastic) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? JERRY Well, what do you think the big holdup is? GEORGE The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production. JERRY Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities? GEORGE And the underwater bubble cities? JERRY It's like we're living in the '50s here. (Kramer's bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the cars for sale) KRAMER It's good suspension! JERRY (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab) GEORGE What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. JERRY (Talking about the vein in George's head) There's that vein again. GEORGE I'm starving. We should have had lunch first.. JERRY (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal. GEORGE Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic. JERRY I guess he graduated. GEORGE That's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face. (Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn) JERRY (To Kramer) Thank you. GEORGE Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptic) You'll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Sudeenly, you're on your back like a turnip. JERRY Alright. Calm down. GEORGE My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shoutin' at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!" (Kramer's now on his back, under a car) KRAMER Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked up right. (Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings) JERRY (To Kramer) Alright, we're goin' in. (A salesman walks up to Kramer. He's still under the car) SALESMAN You've got a good eye, there. I see you've noticed the uni-body construction. I'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or lease? (Kramer emerges from under the car) KRAMER Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah, he'll be buying.. RICK Maybe I should talk to him. KRAMER Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in. RICK I see. So, you're his manag- (Kramer hops into the car) KRAMER Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown? (Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry and George are waiting for a salesman to assist them) GEORGE Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I'll walk out of here right now!" (A salesman approaches) SALESMAN Can I help you with something? GEORGE (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we're walkin'! JERRY (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we're just waiting for David Puddy. GEORGE (Still with a tone) He is. You don't know what I'm doin' here. (Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. PUDDY Sorry I'm late. ELAINE (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. JERRY Ah. Where'd you go? ELAINE (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant. PUDDY Arby's. ELAINE I had the roast beef.. JERRY So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with another 900 convertible. PUDDY Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five. ELAINE (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is? PUDDY Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there. ELAINE Oh. (Leaves for the room) PUDDY (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. I'll show you the 900. GEORGE (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900. (Scene cuts to Kramer. He's in the car with the salesman, Rick, and they're driving an unknown street) RICK .. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: Anti-lock breaks, automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make a right at this corner, please. (Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and.. Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn.. KRAMER No. No, I didn't. RICK Well, that's okay. (Pointing) We'll make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership. KRAMER (Up to something) Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine. RICK So where are we going? KRAMER Just a little place I like to call, "You'll see". (Scene ends) Puddy's office) (George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy) GEORGE I'm starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up? PUDDY (Pointing out his office door) By the service department. GEORGE (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright, remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble. JERRY (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George. GEORGE Don't think it can't happen! (Leaves) JERRY So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey". PUDDY I don't care for that term. JERRY Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.. PUDDY No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector. JERRY I saw one once that could do sign language. PUDDY Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko. JERRY Yeah, Koko. PUDDY Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. (Holds up his hand) High-five. (Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy) GEORGE Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here? (To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything, did ya? JERRY No. We both just saw the same monkey. GEORGE (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. PUDDY (Standing up) Well, there's a vending machine. I could show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way) GEORGE (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar. JERRY (Getting a dollar out) Where's your money? GEORGE (Talking it) I'm here helpin' you. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken. GEORGE (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's what they want you to think. JERRY Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit? ELAINE (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting? JERRY No. ELAINE (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring? JERRY No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five. ELAINE I thought all guys do that. JERRY Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - they're using sign language now. ELAINE Is that bad? JERRY What do you think the Nazis were doin'? (Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was the heil-five. ELAINE (Pointing out) Isn't that from your act, like, ten years ago? JERRY (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the �80's, and it's still relatable today. (Puddy approaches them) PUDDY Good news. We got a 900 in black. That's the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five. (Elaine and Jerry exchange looks) ELAINE Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? (Elaine takes Puddy's arm, leading him to the room) PUDDY (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five. (Scene ends) Dealership back room) (George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine glass) GEORGE Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5. (George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful) GEORGE Ah, come on! (A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use it. The machine readily accepts the mechanic's dollar) GEORGE Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of a dollar? MECHANIC (While retrieving his candy) No. GEORGE Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar? MECHANIC (While walking away) Don't have one. GEORGE (Stopping him) Excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you had several crisp dollar bills. MECHANIC (Calm) You're incorrect. GEORGE (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I'm very hungry. MECHANIC (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier. GEORGE (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're all doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, ho. What I would do with you.. (Scene ends) Dealership car) (Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed Tweety bird) RICK Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed to use the cars to run errands. KRAMER No, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Let's see if I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze.. (Scene ends) Dealership back room) (Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach, reaching under the vending machine for change) JERRY (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there. GEORGE People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. JERRY Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why don't you just go to the cashier? (George gets up) GEORGE The cashier is at lunch - which is where I'd like to be. JERRY How much was under there? GEORGE (Looking at his finger) I think somethin' bit me. I just need another nickel. JERRY (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel) GEORGE Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's just reeling his big fish in! JERRY Hey, can I have my dollar back? GEORGE (Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless. (Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts the money into the machine) GEORGE (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! Jump! (A man holding a donut walks past George) MAN They just put out some more donuts. GEORGE They did? MAN (Holding his up) Last one. (Scene ends) Dealership car) (Kramer's still on the road with Rick) KRAMER Well, just one more errand and we can head back. RICK Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas. KRAMER Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now? RICK (Looking) Well, it's on "E". KRAMER You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he lend me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline. RICK (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive your friend's car for free. KRAMER (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways. (Scene ends) Dealership back room) (George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine) GEORGE As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, it's gone. Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) What?! That guy's eatin' it! SALESMAN Well, how do you know that one's yours? GEORGE Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He must've bought one, and gotten both. SALESMAN Sir, are you gonna buy a car? GEORGE No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the door's window) Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho! (Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He's trying to fix the Xerox machine) PUDDY Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side. ELAINE David, um, I.. PUDDY (Still holding out his hand) Don't leave me hangin' ELAINE You're a salesman now - and the high-five is.. it's very grease monkey. PUDDY What did I tell you about that? ELAINE I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid. PUDDY (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid. ELAINE Well, that is really mature. PUDDY Yeah? So are you. ELAINE Huh? PUDDY You're the grease monkey. ELAINE (Confused at David's attempts at a comeback) Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving. PUDDY Yeah, if you leave, we're through. ELAINE Fine! We're through! PUDDY; Oh, so you're leaving? ELAINE (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' me to Arby's.. JERRY (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you..? (She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed) PUDDY Let's finish this up. JERRY Did you two break up? PUDDY (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chick's whacked. We're history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things: rust-proofing.. JERRY "Rust-proofing"? PUDDY (Reading off what he's adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee JERRY "Finder's fee"? It was on the lot! PUDDY Yeah, that's right. (Continues reading off) Floor mats, keys.. JERRY �Keys"?! PUDDY How ya gonna start it? (Scene ends) Dealership's shop) (George catches up with the portly mechanic) GEORGE Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner. MECHANIC First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar. GEORGE Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid. That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch. MECHANIC Yeah, it's just a little nougat. GEORGE Nougat? Please. I think I've reached the point in my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So, let's not just say things that are obvious fabrications. MECHANIC (Pointing to George's forehead) You know, you're gettin' a little vein there.. GEORGE (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I can't believe this guy.. (Jerry rushes in with a box of candy) JERRY Hey, George! GEORGE Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry) JERRY No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, he's treatin' me just like a regular customer, now! GEORGE I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's now laws in this place. Anything goes! It's Thunderdome! (A saleswoman approaches them) SALESWOMAN Is someone helping you? (Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room) GEORGE Stay back! (Scene ends) Dealership car) RICK (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now? KRAMER There's still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E". RICK How long are you gonna go? KRAMER Oh, I've been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You'll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get it out of your mind. RICK Have you ever been completely below the slash? KRAMER Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't know who did it, and I never got to thank them.. RICK (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road! (Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place) KRAMER Whoop! Whoop! (Scene ends) Puddy's office) (Jerry and George are in conference) JERRY (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up. GEORGE Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?! JERRY George! Can we focus on the car, here? GEORGE I'm starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine. PUDDY (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature, here, and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go. JERRY Yellow? I wanted black. PUDDY I can't give you black at that price. JERRY (Pleading) George, could you help me, please? GEORGE (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong! JERRY Sing it, sister! GEORGE Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch..! JERRY (Exasperated) Uhhh.. GEORGE (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not gonna get away with this! (Jerry follows George out the office) JERRY (To Puddy) I'll be right back. PUDDY Okay. (Jerry catches up with George) JERRY Hey, George! (Scene ends) Dealership car) (The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it) RICK Is it just the angle I'm looking from? KRAMER No, Sir. We are down there. RICK Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never felt so alive! KRAMER Yeah, well, alright. I'm satisfied. We better get some gas. RICK What? Well, we can't stop now. KRAMER What do you mean? RICK We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan. KRAMER There was no plan. RICK Well, let's make it the plan! Let's just.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise. KRAMER What, they drove to a dealership? RICK No, they drove off a cliff. (Kramer eyes Rick, frightened) KRAMER You are one sick mama.. I like it. RICK Mr. Kramer, the road! (Kramer swerves around again) KRAMER Yup! Yup! (Scene ends) Elaine's apartment) (Phone rings, she answers it) ELAINE Hello? JERRY (Over the phone) Elaine, you've got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin' me on this car, which is yellow now! ELAINE (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this? JERRY (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine! (Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise) ELAINE What?! JERRY You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal. ELAINE (Sarcastic) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry. JERRY You're gonna get back together, anyway. It's thousands of dollars! ELAINE Oh, I don't know.. JERRY Come on. Then you don't have to see him again �til my 15,000-mile check. ELAINE Well, will you pay my cab fare out there? JERRY Fine. ELAINE And I didn't like that roast beef, so how �bout some lunch? JERRY No. No lunch. ELAINE I'll hang the phone up right now! JERRY Alright! Lunch! ELAINE I'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone) JERRY Bye. (Hangs up) JERRY (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's ripping me off! (Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window) GEORGE I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics. WILLIE When did you bring the car in? GEORGE (To the man behind him in line) Yeah right.. I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet? WILLIE Sir, what, exactly, is the problem? GEORGE One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar! WILLIE Are you saying he grabbed the candy bar away from you? GEORGE He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs. WILLIE I thought you said it was a Twix. GEORGE Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar. WILLIE Maybe it was. GEORGE Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. WILLIE What about the $100,000 bar? GEORGE No. Rice and caramel. WILLIE Nougat? GEORGE No. WILLIE Positive? GEORGE Please. (A woman appears from behind the window) WOMAN You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to 100 Grand? GEORGE All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired! (An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He's Willie's father) WILLIE SR I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel. (The man behind George speaks up) MAN What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial? GEORGE They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial! WILLIE SR Not Skittles. WILLIE Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk. WOMAN (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all day? WILLIE He likes it! GEORGE Alright! Do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix? MAN (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut. GEORGE No! There's no coconut! WOMAN (Behind service window) I'm allergic to coconut. WILLIE I'm not. WILLIE SR ..A nickel! (Scene ends) Dealership office showroom) (Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab) ELAINE Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy. PUDDY I'm with a customer. (Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction, and starts to walk away) ELAINE Uh.. JERRY No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What's important is you two getting back together. Eh, then we'll talk about the car. PUDDY (Like a kid) I don't want to get back with her. She's too bossy. ELAINE (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David.. JERRY Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right? ELAINE AND PUDDY Right. JERRY Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.. ELAINE I guess. PUDDY Good point. JERRY (Smiling, like a salesman) Alright. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today? (Scene ends) Gas station) (Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out) KRAMER Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of Twix bars. RICK No, no coconut for me. KRAMER Alright, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running. (Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and scares him) RICK Ahh! KRAMER No, man! Not the gas! RICK But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad! KRAMER Do you think that this'll make you happy? �Cause it won't! RICK (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me. (Kramer grabs him by the collar) KRAMER Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!" (The car makes puttering noises) RICK Maybe we better get moving. KRAMER It's good to have you back, Stan. (Both hop into the car) RICK It's Rick, by the way. KRAMER No time! (Scene ends) Dealership's customer service room) WILLIE Mr. Costanza, I really don't have time for this. GEORGE Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up? WILLIE "Candy line-up"? GEORGE I've spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select from. WILLIE It took you an hour? GEORGE Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars) SALESWOMAN Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy! GEORGE That's my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They're - they're all on the floor! (George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars) GEORGE And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?! MECHANIC No. MAN Hey, this Clark bar is good. GEORGE It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've robbed it! You've all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix! MECHANIC They're all gone. GEORGE (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx! (Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference) ELAINE What was that? PUDDY There's a mental hospital right near here. JERRY Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle: Arby's - no more than once a month. In exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesn't read a book. ELAINE (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not bad. PUDDY I can live with that. JERRY So, you're back together? PUDDY Yeah. (Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling) JERRY Alright, alright. Alright, that's enough! Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David? PUDDY Oh, we don't even know what it is. JERRY So, I'm gettin' the insider's deal? PUDDY Insider's deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five. (Jerry gives a face of resentment) (Scene ends) Dealership car) (Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership) RICK (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There's the dealer! KRAMER Hey! RICK We did! We pulled it off! I can't believe it! Where's the needle? KRAMER Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo! RICK Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now. KRAMER Well, that's a weird thing to say.. RICK I wonder how much longer we could have lasted. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm. (They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out) (Scene ends) NYC Cab) (Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab) ELAINE This is nice. What kind of car is this? CABBIE Caprice Classic. ELAINE (To Jerry) You couldn't just give him one high-five? JERRY And where does it end? Then, everyone's doin' it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't go there." - Someone's gotta take a stand! GEORGE (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's is good. ELAINE So, George, I still don't understand - how was that a setup? JERRY And who were you tryin' to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager? GEORGE (In the spotlight) I don't know. All of �em. They're all crooks! Besides, I couldn't get all different candy bars, anyway. (Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming and yelling) GEORGE What was that? JERRY I think there's a mental hospital near here. ELAINE Very near. (Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come to a stop) KRAMER Whew! Well, I think we stopped. RICK You - you can probably let go of my hand now. KRAMER Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I'll think about it.. RICK Do you have my card? THE END |
THE JACKET | THE JACKET Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Night club) JERRY I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided "This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth. An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits, no speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice. I could wear that." (Scene ends) (Clothing store) JERRY I think I've seen enough. SALESMAN Well, I might have something in the back. ELAINE The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they'd put it out in the front. JERRY Why don't they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, "Just Back." All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Picks up a tie display) Look, Elaine, tie car wash. CUSTOMER (Sees the book Elaine is holding) Oh, I just read that. That's terrific. JERRY (Pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that. CUSTOMER Alton Benes is your father? ELAINE Yeah. CUSTOMER I always felt he deserved a wider audience. ELAINE I'm not so sure he wants one. (Customer leaves) Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o' clock. JERRY ..I guess I'm coming.. I mean.. ELAINE What? What, you don't want to go now? JERRY No, I'll go. I'm going. ELAINE No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and.. you know. JERRY I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly, I perfer the company of nitwits. ELAINE So, that's why we're not togeter anymore. JERRY (Looks at a jacket) What is this? (Holds it up) This is beautiful.. but these jackets never fit me right. ELAINE Try it on. (Feels it) Wow, this is soft suede. JERRY This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on. (Elaine grabs the tag) How much is it? ELAINE (Shocked) Oh my God. JERRY Bad? (Elaine nods) ..Very bad? ELAINE You have no idea. JERRY I have some idea. ELAINE No idea. JERRY I've got a ballpark. ELAINE There is no park and the team has relocated. JERRY (Looks at the tag) ..That is high. ELAINE Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though. JERRY (Looking at the insides of the jacket) What's with the pink lining and the candy stripes? ELAINE Well, it's just a lining. You can always have it changed. JERRY Should I get it? I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know. "What about the money?" "What's money?" SALESMAN It looks wonderful on you. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's sitting on his couch wearing his pajamas and his new jacket. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer enters) JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey. New jacket? JERRY What do you think? KRAMER It's beautiful. JERRY Is it me? KRAMER That's definitely you. JERRY Really? KRAMER That's more you than you've ever been. (Starts looking the jacket over) What is with the pink lining? JERRY I don't know. It's got a pink lining. KRAMER Oh.. So, what did you pay for this? JERRY I paid what it costs. KRAMER How much? JERRY What's the difference? KRAMER What, you're not gonna tell me? JERRY I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing. KRAMER Over three hundred? JERRY Yes, but let's just stop it right there. KRAMER It's over four hundred? JERRY Really, I'm not answering anymore. KRAMER Is it over four hundred? JERRY Would you? KRAMER (Finds the tag) Woah, Nelson! JERRY I know, I know. KRAMER (Talking about his old jacket) What are you gonna do with the leather one? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Well, are you gonna wear it? JERRY Maybe. KRAMER (Looking over the leather jacket) You're not going to wear this. JERRY Do you want it? KRAMER Well, yeah. Okay. I'll take it.. I like the jacket. JERRY (Takes one last look at the leather jacket) ..Okay, take it. KRAMER Good karma for you. (Kramer puts on his new jacket, and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (George enters singing "Master Of the House" - a Les Miserables show tune) GEORGE "Master of the house.. doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves to make a stir everyone appreciates a.." JERRY What is that song? GEORGE Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last wee. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it infront of clients. It's taking over my life. JERRY You know, Schumann went mad from that. GEORGE Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee? JERRY No, you idiot. GEORGE What are you, Bud Abbott? What, are you calling my an idiot? JERRY You don't know Rober Schumann? The composer? GEORGE Oh, Schumann. Of course. JERRY (Trying to scare George) He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized. GEORGE Really? ..Well, what if it doesn't stop? (Jerry gestures "That's the breaks." George gasps) Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! Alright, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject.. Let's just go, alright? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes. JERRY I know exactly what's goin to happen tonight. I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right through it. GEORGE Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's backstage at a puppet show. JERRY Let me just get my jacket. (Moves to the bedroom) GEORGE "Master of the house, keeper of the inn.." (Jerry proudly models his new jacket infront of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket) This is huge! When did this happen? JERRY Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge. GEORGE (Nods) Can I say one thing to you? And I say this wiht an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. JERRY Absolutely. GEORGE ..It's fabulous. JERRY I know. GEORGE And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand.. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid? JERRY Well, what kind of solid? KRAMER I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds. JERRY Birds? KRAMER Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician. He's going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves. JERRY So take a cab. KRAMER They won't take a cage full of birds. JERRY I can't. I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it. KRAMER George, do me a solid? Two minutes. GEORGE Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to, I've never done a solid before. KRAMER Alright.. yeah.. alright, have a good one. (Kramer leaves) JERRY (Scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes.. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years. (Scene ends) (Hotel lobby) (Jerry and George enter. George's singing "Master of the House") GEORGE "Master of the House. Quick to catch your eye, never wants a passerby to pass him by." JERRY (Points to his head) Schumann. (George gets visibly scared) Where are they? GEORGE Maybe he didn't show up. JERRY What, you don't want to do this? GEORGE I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. GEORGE (Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather chair) Wait a second, is that him? JERRY Yeah, I think it is. (They walk tward him) Where's Elaine? GEORGE I'm nervous. JERRY Excuse me.. Mister Benes? ALTON Yeah? JERRY I'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this is George. GEORGE (Holds out his hand for a handshake) It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir. (Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand) ALTON Sit down. Want a drink? JERRY Sure. ALTON (Summons waiter) What do you have? JERRY (To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes. GEORGE And, I'll have a club soda with no ice. BENES (Gives both Jerry and George a look) I'll have another Scotch with plenty of ice. GEORGE You like ice? ALTON Huh? GEORGE I said, do you like ice? ALTON Like it? GEORGE Don't you think you get more without it? ALTON (Pauses) Where's Elaine? JERRY Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She's usually pretty punctual. (Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find that, George? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's been late sometimes. JERRY Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time, and sometimes she's late. GEORGE I guess today she's late. JERRY It appears that way. GEORGE Yep. JERRY Yep. (Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's arrival) ALTON Looks like rain. GEORGE (Perks up) I know, I know, that's what they said. ALTON Who said? GEORGE The weather guy, Dr. Waldo. ALTON I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain. GEORGE No, of course not. I didn't.. ALTON All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (Waiter shows up with the drinks) Which one's suppose to be the funny guy? GEORGE (Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian. JERRY I'm just a regular person. GEORGE No, no. He's just being modest. ALTON We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's nothing funny about that. (Jerry and George turn to the door again) JERRY Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. (Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton) GEORGE I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant. ALTON Drivel. GEORGE Maybe some parts. ALTON What parts? GEORGE The drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just realized - I have to make a phone call. I can believe.. would you.. (Gets up, and leaves) (Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom) GEORGE Thank you for leaving me alone with him! JERRY That was brutal. I can't go back out there. GEORGE Well, let's just leave. JERRY Elaine'll kill me. GEORGE Where is she? JERRY She's gotta be here soon. GEORGE How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me. JERRY The waiter was trembling. GEORGE If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone. JERRY How are we gonna get out of it? GEORGE We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home. JERRY Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe. GEORGE I don't know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He'll understand that. (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, "To hell with the world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want." (Scene ends) (Hotel lobby) (Jerry and George come back from the bathroom) ALTON Who'd you call? GEORGE (Caught off guard) My uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was. ALTON What kind of operation? GEORGE Bone marrow. (Manager approaches) MANAGER Mister Benes? ALTON Yes? MANAGER A message for you. (Hands him a message) ALTON From Elaine. She got tied up. She'll be here in thirty minutes. (Jerry and George freeze) (Scene ends) (Hotel lobby) ALTON Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in 'fifty-three. JERRY (Adding) Well, Guatamala. GEORGE Sure, Guatamala. ALTON (Gets up) Alright, you boys get yourselves together. We'll head up to the restaurant. I'll leave a note for Elaine. I'm going to the bathroom. (Leaves) GEORGE Come on, let's go! JERRY What about Elaine? GEORGE To hell with Elaine! JERRY She'll be furious. GEORGE We're dying here! (Elaine enters) JERRY That's her! She's here! ELAINE I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad? GEORGE (Mocking Alton's voice) He's in the bathroom. JERRY Where have you been?! ELAINE Kramer, that .. Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds.. JERRY Oh, you didn't.. ELAINE Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! he doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car.. so, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So, we're wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running down the street after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus. (Sits down, takes a deep breath) ..So how's everything going over here? JERRY (After hearing Elaine's story, his is..) Great. GEORGE Couldn't be better. ELAINE Good. 'Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable. JERRY Oh, no, no. GEORGE Get outta here.. ELAINE Man, Kramer! I could kill him. JERRY I can't believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer. ELAINE He said he'd give me a lift. JERRY Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist? GEORGE Where do you come up with this stuff? ALTON (Returns) Well, look who's here. ELAINE Oh, Hi, Dad. ALTON (Kisses Elaine) Hello, dear. Who's the lipstick for? ELAINE No one. ALTON ..How's your mother? ELAINE Fine. ALTON How about you? Are you working? ELAINE Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times. ALTON Pendant, those bastards.. Alright, boys. We'll go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You're not afraid of a little spice, are you? (They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a little) GEORGE "Master of the house, doling out the charm. Ready with a handshake and an open.." ALTON Pipe down, chorus boy. (Alton glares, George gets embarrassed) ELAINE Ohh.. it's snowing. It's beautiful. JERRY (To George) Snow.. snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? GEORGE I wouldn't think so. JERRY What should I do? (To Alton) We're taking a cab, aren't we? ALTON Cab? It's only five blocks. GEORGE (To Jerry) Why don't you just turn it inside out? JERRY Inside out! Great. (Jery turns his jacket inside out, showing of the pink striped insides. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel) ALTON Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this? JERRY Oh, I turned my jacket inside out. ALTON Well, you look like a damn fool! JERRY (Like a child) Well, it's a new suede jacket. It might get ruined. ALTON Well, you're not going to walk down the street with my and my daughter dressed like that! That's for damn sure! (Jerry looks at George) GEORGE It's only a few blocks. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's heading out, the intercom buzzes) JERRY (Into intercom) Elaine? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Come on up. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER I've gotta feed the birds. JERRY So?.. KRAMER You got any of those mini Ritzes? (Jerry reaches up, and pulls out some mini Ritzes) JERRY I can't believe I do. KRAMER Yeah! ..Well, are you going out? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Hey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. It's ruined, and unwearable) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, he's shocked at the sight of the jacket) Ohhh. What did you do to it? JERRY I was out in the snow last night. KRAMER Don't youk now what that does to suede? JERRY I have an idea. (Elaine enters) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema III. ELAINE Okay.. (To Kramer) Hello. (To Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. JERRY Is he still in town? ELAINE No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight. KRAMER (Talking about the ruined jacket) So, uh.. what are you gonna do with that one now? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Well?.. ELAINE (To Jerry) I didn't want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone. JERRY Really? KRAMER You gonna throw this out? JERRY Well, I can't wear it. ELAINE (To Jerry) Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea. KRAMER Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it. JERRY Yeah, go ahead, take it. ELAINE Dad thinks George is gay. JERRY Oh, because of all that singing? ELAINE No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. (Kramer returns from the bathroom wearing the ruined suede jacket) KRAMER Hey, see, I like it like this. ELAINE (Pointing at the jacket Kramer's wearing) Isnt' that..? (Jerry nods) Oh, is this fromt he snow last night? (Jerry nods again) Ugh.. you know what you should've done? You should've turned it inside out. JERRY I'll try and remember that. KRAMER (Talking about the leather jacket from the start of the show) Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad. KRAMER I'm gonna have to do something about this lining. (Kramer exits, Scene ends) (Alton Benes' car) (Alton is driving home, then all the sudden, he starts to sing) ALTON "Master of the house doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm.." (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows ouside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather.. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.." "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!" THE END |
THE HANDICAP SPOT | THE HANDICAP SPOT Written by Larry David (At the comedy club) JERRY I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful ABOUT DIVORCE you get impeached and you're not even the president! (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else? ELAINE We don't walk that fast... GEORGE No seriously... ELAINE Seriously, we don't. GEORGE The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass. ELAINE (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews! JERRY What's the big hurry? ELAINE Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night? JERRY Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present. GEORGE I gotta buy a present now? ELAINE Of course you do, it's an engagement party. GEORGE It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake. JERRY You don't like the Drake? GEORGE Hate the Drake. ELAINE I *love* the Drake. JERRY How could you not like the Drake? GEORGE Who's the Drake? ELAINE "Who's the Drake"? JERRY The Drake is good! ELAINE So listen, what are you gonna get him? GEORGE I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom) JERRY Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect! ELAINE So what? That's easy. JERRY Easy? (Kramer enters in his usual way) ELAINE Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake? KRAMER Uh, no, no, not yet. JERRY Do you like the Drake? KRAMER I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette! ELAINE I'm lukewarm about the Drakette. KRAMER (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle... JERRY It's Isosceles KRAMER Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer. ELAINE Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift. JERRY The chip-in! ELAINE Hey, a pretty good idea, huh? JERRY Yeah! KRAMER Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely! JERRY You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room. KRAMER No, no! My car's not running. (George enters the room from the washroom) JERRY What about your father's car? GEORGE No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move. JERRY Are you serious? GEORGE You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks. JERRY How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car! GEORGE Good thinking! JERRY Good to meet you! (George's car) ELAINE So what are we gonna get him? JERRY We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in. GEORGE I like this area. I could live out here. KRAMER Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together. JERRY Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now. GEORGE Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out? MAN IN CAR No! KRAMER Why don't you take a handicap spot... GEORGE You think? ELAINE No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot. GEORGE I don't want to walk that far. ELAINE What if a handicapped person needs it? KRAMER Oh, come on, they don't drive! JERRY Yes, they do! KRAMER Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park? JERRY Well there's spaces there, they must drive! KRAMER Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped. ELAINE So if you can drive, you're not handicapped? GEORGE Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"! KRAMER I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty. GEORGE He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they? ELAINE What does that mean? GEORGE Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in. KRAMER Yeah, go ahead. ELAINE George! GEORGE Oh, come on, it's five minutes. (pulls into handicap spot) KRAMER Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked. (walking in the parking garage) JERRY Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price? ELAINE What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's... GEORGE What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums... JERRY No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake! ELAINE Got to *love* the Drake! (sound of police cars) JERRY Hey, what's going on over here? ELAINE Must have been an accident... (they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of people) JERRY (to a woman) Hey, what's going on? WOMAN Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's... JERRY Is she OK? WOMAN I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay! JERRY Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off. (man hits George's car in rage) GEORGE How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us! ELAINE (to George) Are you happy now? KRAMER Who would think these people we're gonna be here? JERRY I don't know... ELAINE What about the party? What about the Drake? GEORGE Screw the Drake! JERRY I love the Drake! KRAMER Let's just take a bus back to the city. GEORGE Can't leave the car here! KRAMER Why not? GEORGE It's my father's car! EVERYBODY Yeah! Yeah! JERRY Let's get out of here. (coffee shop) GEORGE What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here? JERRY The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us? ELAINE Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night? JERRY What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying... GEORGE What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands! KRAMER You'd think... GEORGE I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that? KRAMER Most of them don't even have batteries. GEORGE Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy. KRAMER Yeah... GEORGE Well, I'm sorry! ELAINE Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now... GEORGE How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan! JERRY I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine. ELAINE Me? JERRY Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman! ELAINE Oh, they won't? JERRY Not if they don't know you... ELAINE I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea! KRAMER No chance in hell! JERRY What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started SCREAMING "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car! GEORGE That's good, we'll give it a try... ELAINE That's good... JERRY That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer! KRAMER Huh? (parking garage) (the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces) JERRY (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out... (George's parents' house) FRANK Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years! (Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies) FRANK A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat! GEORGE Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed! ESTELLE (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him! FRANK (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss! MAHJONGH LADY Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt! FRANK No it isn't! MAHJONGH LADY So what are you doing now, Georgie? GEORGE I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... FRANK Where the hell is my paper? MAHJONGH LADY You're writing a pilot? ESTELLE With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian... MAHJONGH LADY So what's it about? GEORGE Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler. MAJONGH LADIES This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler! (giggling) ESTELLE Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker! GEORGE Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it... ESTELLE He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him... (Estelle wins at Mahjongh) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie) JERRY (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it! ELAINE Oh, yeah... JERRY (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat? ELAINE Sure! JERRY (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye... JERRY The Drake is great! ELAINE Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them. JERRY Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me. (buzzer rings) JERRY Yes? GEORGE It's me. JERRY Come on up. (Door opens, Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's. JERRY St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why? KRAMER Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her. ELAINE You went to see her? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Wow, what happened? KRAMER I'm in love. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking. JERRY Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much. (George enters) KRAMER Ah, I'm glad you're here. GEORGE What? KRAMER Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair. GEORGE A wheelchair? What for? KRAMER Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one! GEORGE Doesn't she have collision? KRAMER George, I'm in love with her! GEORGE Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one. KRAMER No! She needs it now! GEORGE What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in? KRAMER Well... ELAINE Hey, we told you not to park there! GEORGE Can't we just fix the old one? KRAMER Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want? GEORGE Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS! (at Surgical Appliances) SALESMAN This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped. KRAMER So now, what's this got? SALESMAN Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine. GEORGE How much? SALESMAN 6200. GEORGE Do you have something a little more... less expensive? (At the Drake's) (The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch) JERRY AND ELAINE Hey Drake! Hi Drake! JERRY Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that! ELAINE My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? THE DRAKE Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic... (Jerry sits down next to Alison) JERRY I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight.... ELAINE Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh? JERRY So where're we eatin'? THE DRAKE Well, actually... Jerry... ELAINE I'm *really* hungry! THE DRAKE ... we just broke up... JERRY When did this happen? THE DRAKE About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew! JERRY Look at the picture on this thing... ELAINE Oh, cristal clear! JERRY They know how to make 'em... (The Drake starts sobbing) ELAINE Are there any good Italian restaurants around here? THE DRAKE Gagliano's... that's pretty good... JERRY Well... we should... ELAINE Get movin'... JERRY Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best. ELAINE Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison! (The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door then returns) ELAINE Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television... (at Surgical Appliances) SALESMAN Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat. KRAMER But this'll get you around? SALESMAN Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar. GEORGE Like what? SALESMAN For example, your tremor-damping. KRAMER Now what's that? SALESMAN It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity. KRAMER Well, is it alright if I try it? SALESMAN Hop in! (Kramer sits down, and likes it) KRAMER Oh yeah! (Salesman is laughing) SALESMAN I tell ya... (Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his) SALESMAN When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place. GEORGE How much? (Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs) SALESMAN How about $240? GEORGE & KRAMER We'll take it! (Jerry's appartment) ELAINE Drake gave her the TV? JERRY He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty. ELAINE Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV! JERRY I know it is! ELAINE Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake! JERRY I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again. ELAINE They don't know anybody in Chicago. JERRY Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV. (George enters) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up. GEORGE The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair. JERRY I don't know about defraying. GEORGE Why? JERRY We're not gettin' that TV. GEORGE What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business. ELAINE The Drakette took it. GEORGE She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours. ELAINE Well, she has it! GEORGE I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake! GEORGE Maybe we should call her. ELAINE Well, who's gonna call? JERRY You are. ELAINE What? Why is it me who always has to do these things? JERRY Because that's your thing! ELAINE What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"? JERRY Yeah, that's your thing. ELAINE Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"... (Elaine starts dialling) JERRY You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE I could see that... Hello? ELAINE Alison! Hi, this is Elaine... I gave all the gifts to charity. ELAINE Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake... I hate the Drake. ELAINE Everybody does. Bye-bye.... (Elaine hangs up the phone) ELAINE She gave it to charity. JERRY Charity?!? That's apalling. GEORGE How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate! (Kramer enters) KRAMER Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah! GEORGE You mean a blessing in disguise? KRAMER Yeah.... (At George's parents' place) LADY And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month! (applause) LADY Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs! (applause, door bel rings) LADY On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you! (Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in) FRANK Well... thank you very much! COP Mr. Costanza? FRANK Yes? COP You're under arrest. FRANK Under arrest? What for? COP Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A. FRANK What's that? COP Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go... FRANK George! George! (Jerry's appartment) JERRY Your father got arrested? For what? GEORGE Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat. JERRY Ho-ly! GEORGE Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back... JERRY So what are you gonna do? GEORGE I agreed to become his butler. JERRY What? (Kramer enters) JERRY What's the matter? KRAMER It's over! JERRY What's over? KRAMER Me and Lola.... GEORGE The woman we bought the wheelchair for? KRAMER Yeah, she dumped me! JERRY She dumped you? KRAMER She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus? JERRY & GEORGE ... no... KRAMER Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? GEORGE ...you're very attractive... KRAMER yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead! JERRY Drop dead? GEORGE Boy, even I never heard that one... JERRY She's pretty rough! KRAMER Yeesh-jip! GEORGE Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair. JERRY 240 bucks? GEORGE Well, it was slightly used... JERRY Used? (cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work, screaming) (George's parents' place) (George's vaccuuming) FRANK I don't think you did such a good job on these... (George turns off the vaccuum) GEORGE What!? FRANK You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there? (Phone rings) FRANK Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye! (hangs up the phone) FRANK George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes. GEORGE Sons of bitches! FRANK Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her. GEORGE Big screen TV? FRANK Do you think you can handle it? (At the Drakette's) (knock on door, the Drakette opens) ALISON Yes? GEORGE Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV. ALISON Oh great, it's right over there. KRAMER Ooh, it's a big one! {All four inside a delivery van outside the mall) GEORGE Who's got the receipt? ELAINE I do. GEORGE Will they give us cash? JERRY That's their policy. GEORGE I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here... KRAMER Why don't you park in front of the hydrant? GEORGE What if there is a fire? KRAMER What are the chances of that? THE END |
THE WIZARD | THE WIZARD Written by Steve Lookner GEORGE Keep it real! GEORGE Let's get nuts! China is an instant page-turner? JERRY It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday. GEORGE How much was it? JERRY Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal. GEORGE Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars? JERRY Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite. GEORGE I got a message from the Rosses at work today. JERRY Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them? GEORGE At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death. JERRY Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly. people I know. Jerry, George. DARRYL Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later. ELAINE OK. JERRY Still no Puddy? ELAINE Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think? JERRY What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal? ELAINE What black guy? JERRY Darryl. He's black, isn't he? ELAINE He is? GEORGE No, he isn't. JERRY Isn't he, Elaine? ELAINE You think? GEORGE I thought he looked Irish. JERRY What's his last name? ELAINE Nelson. GEORGE That's not Irish. JERRY I think he's black. GEORGE Should we be talkin' about this? ELAINE I think it's OK. GEORGE No, it isn't. JERRY Why not? GEORGE Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here. JERRY If he's black. ELAINE Is he black? JERRY Does it matter? ELAINE No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know. JERRY Oh, so you need to know? ELAINE No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew. WAITRESS Should I take that? (when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get out lots of money for her tip) George. MRS. ROSS Uh, who? GEORGE George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak. woman to buy more. MRS. ROSS Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend. GEORGE Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers. MRS. ROSS Thank you for calling, George. GEORGE Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go. JERRY House in the Hamptons? GEORGE Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate. JERRY Wow. What are we celebrating? KRAMER Uh, you remember my coffee table book? JERRY With the little legs? KRAMER That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie. GEORGE How are they gonna make that book into a movie? KRAMER You remember that photo book on toy ray guns? GEORGE Yeah? KRAMER Independence Day? GEORGE Oh. JERRY How much are they payin' you? KRAMER Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while. JERRY That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while. KRAMER Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring. JERRY From what? KRAMER From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do. KRAMER Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch. JERRY AND GEORGE Ooh! KRAMER Well, it's not really gold. JERRY AND GEORGE Aww. (approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being played, and smiles knowingly) DARRYL Hey. ELAINE Great music. DARRYL Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. I hate it. DARRYL Yo, you! Turn it down! ELAINE Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance? DARRYL They're... African. ELAINE Right. African. DARRYL Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa. ELAINE South Africa. DARRYL My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for obvious reasons. You know how it is. ELAINE Maybe. else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this. (the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe George not being in the Hamptons, and move on) GEORGE I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time. VENDER Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not? GEORGE Mmm... no. Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha! JERRY It's 5:30 in the morning! HELEN We let you sleep in. birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday. MORTY Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents. JERRY What does that mean? HELEN Leave your father alone. It's his birthday. MORTY Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector. JERRY Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer. MORTY This looks like too much money. JERRY Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks. MORTY You think it's hot? JERRY Could be. MORTY Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer! HELEN I'm right here. JERRY And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator. MORTY So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip? JERRY Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner. MORTY Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips. HELEN Jerry, you're getting your father too excited. Hey, buddy. When'd you get here? JERRY Kramer, what are you doing here? KRAMER I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door. HELEN Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment. KRAMER Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it. JERRY Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die. HELEN Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a feta cheese omelette? KRAMER Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom. JERRY If you feed him, he'll never leave. HELEN We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters? KRAMER, IMMATURELY I guess. JERRY I can't believe this. KRAMER I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed? Darryl situation? GEORGE Actually, I did have a thought. ELAINE Oh. GEORGE Why don't you just ask him? like I really want to know. GEORGE Maybe he's, um... mixed. ELAINE Is that the right word? GEORGE I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this. ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE, STANDING UP I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. GEORGE Yeah. ELAINE I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. MRS. ROSS Oh, you're George's friend. MR. ROSS We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his place in the Hamptons? don't think so. Have a good one. GEORGE Rosses. MR. ROSS George, we were just talking about you. GEORGE Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about. MRS. ROSS Really? GEORGE Yeah, I may move out there. it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real! Wizard tip calculator. JERRY Dad, it's got lots of other functions. MORTY Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. (Jerry easily opens it) HELEN Yay! Jerry got it open. MORTY The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. point six six six six cents. MORTY We'll round down. HELEN Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections. JERRY Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo. MORTY I was never impeached! I resigned! HELEN Even so, the press would bury him! JERRY What press? HELEN The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze. MORTY Pinko Commie rag. just got a date with that young aquacise instructor. JERRY She's fifty. OLD MAN You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man. KRAMER All right, I'll see you guys. OLD MAN Yeah. KRAMER Yeah. (Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next to him, staring at his face) MORTY I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three. KRAMER Hmm. (Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly) DARRYL Wow, it's got so many functions. ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball... DARRYL Well, I don't do that stuff. ELAINE It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, HERE'S ONE race. DARRYL Isn't that optional? ELAINE It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know. DARRYL All right, I'm... Asian. ELAINE What? DARRYL Just to mess with 'em. ELAINE laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one. DARRYL Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand. ELAINE Really? DARRYL Does that matter? ELAINE No, but... it is very nice to know. out Darryl's... you know. bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way. ELAINE Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo? JERRY Yeah, it's all my father's doing. (Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry to hand him a magazine from the table) JERRY He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse. ELAINE Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against? JERRY Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair. ELAINE, TO GEORGE He's still down with his folks. GEORGE, TO ELAINE What are you doin' here? ELAINE, TO GEORGE I'm gettin' his mail. GEORGE, TO ELAINE He asked you to get the mail? ELAINE, TO GEORGE Mm-hmm. mail? JERRY George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak. GEORGE What about the mail? JERRY This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George. GEORGE, HANGING UP All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya. ELAINE Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons? GEORGE From me. ELAINE What did you say? GEORGE I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say? ELAINE I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed. GEORGE So, they knew? Those liars! ELAINE But you lied first. GEORGE Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar! ELAINE Like you're a liar! GEORGE Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard? ELAINE So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over. GEORGE Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first. ELAINE Haven't you done enough to these people? GEORGE This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets. (Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression) KRAMER, TO A ROOM Vote for Kramer. I'd like your vote. Thanks. Kramer. OLD WOMAN Will you cut my meat? KRAMER Gladly. DARRYL Sure. WAITRESS, TO DARRYL Are you black? Or should I bring some cream. DARRYL I'm black. DARRYL, RE-THINKING Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. ELAINE What? DARRYL God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple. ELAINE Interracial? Us? DARRYL Isn't that unbelievable!? ELAINE Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism! DARRYL I don't feel like eating. ELAINE Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club. GEORGE So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons. MRS. ROSS Sounds grand. GEORGE Do you have your bathing suits? MR. ROSS It's March. GEORGE Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts! Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. Dad, you look so different. KRAMER Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them. election! KRAMER Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m. JERRY You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner. MORTY Daily what? clubhouse. MORTY Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the rules. KRAMER Well, I couldn't find my shoes. JERRY Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules. HELEN Who wants hot chocolate? KRAMER Oh, yeah! Me. MORTY This is a huge scandal! We need damage control. KRAMER All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh? JERRY Wizards! KRAMER Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board. JERRY Kramer... MORTY There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that deal. KRAMER Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds? JERRY Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards. KRAMER Well, what about your deal, huh? JERRY I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do? KRAMER Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy. JERRY Down here? KRAMER Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father. bedroom. MRS. ROSS Tell us more. GEORGE You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium. MR. ROSS Another solarium? GEORGE Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too? MR. ROSS What are their names? GEORGE Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving? MRS. ROSS Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift. it up a notch! WAITRESS Yeah, I just worked a triple shift. ELAINE I hear ya, Sister. WAITRESS Sister? Here he is. See? DARRYL Hi, Elaine. ELAINE Hey. WAITRESS He's black? ELAINE Yeah. DARRYL I'm black? ELAINE Aren't you? WAITRESS, LEAVING I'll give you a couple minutes to decide. DARRYL What are you talking about? ELAINE You're black. You said we were an interracial couple. DARRYL We are. Because you're Hispanic. ELAINE I am? DARRYL Aren't you? ELAINE No. Why would you think that? DARRYL Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants. ELAINE That's because I thought you were black. DARRYL Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black? ELAINE I don't think we should be talking about this. DARRYL So, what are you? ELAINE I'm white. DARRYL So, we're just a couple of white people? ELAINE I guess. DARRYL Oh. ELAINE Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap? all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is. JERRY Aw. MORTY Congratulations, Mr. President. KRAMER Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master. OLD MAN Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators? MORTY What are you talking about? OLD MAN It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT. MORTY This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard. JERRY A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me! OLD MAN #2 Mine doesn't have a seven! OLD MAN #3 I'm ruined! MORTY Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? JERRY Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars. MORTY You didn't have a deal? JERRY No deal. Not hot. OLD MAN Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished. KRAMER What? OLD MAN Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair. for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York. JERRY Dad, I'm sorry. MORTY You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?! JERRY It does other things! GEORGE Almost there. MR. ROSS Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house? GEORGE We, uh, we go on foot from here. MR. ROSS All right. GEORGE There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium. MR. ROSS We know. GEORGE Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why? MRS. ROSS We don't like you, George. MR. ROSS And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan. GEORGE Oh. MR. ROSS All right! Let's head back. THE END |
THE NOTE | THE NOTE Written by Larry David Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs." (Jerry is getting a massage.) JULIANNA ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want. JERRY What do you think the worst part of being blind is? JULIANNA Excuse me? JERRY You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be? JULIANNA I don't know. JERRY I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue. JULIANNA Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater. JERRY You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania? JULIANNA No. JERRY He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone. JULIANNA Oh. JERRY Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people. JULIANNA Have you seen any good movies? JERRY Who takes care of your boy during the day? JULIANNA We have a woman. Why? JERRY No no. I'm just saying. JULIANNA She had references. JERRY I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping. JULIANNA I don't live near here, ya know! Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment. JERRY So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation. ELAINE I don't like to talk during a massage. JERRY Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored. GEORGE Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here. ELAINE Oh! I forgot to tell you-- JERRY I'm in the middle of a story. ELAINE Okay, go ahead. GEORGE Why don't you ever go shopping? JERRY Not like it's a really funny story or anything. ELAINE What happened? JERRY Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and the for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted. ELAINE Oh, wasn't that terrible? JERRY Yes, it was. GEORGE Not even an apple. ELAINE She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid. JERRY I know it was stupid. ELAINE Really stupid. JERRY Hey, I just said it was stupid. GEORGE What about this leftover Chinese food? JERRY Take it. ELAINE I can't believe you said that. JERRY Hey, would you stop it already? ELAINE So, what did she say? JERRY I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid. GEORGE This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. ELAINE I have a good masseuse you could go to. JERRY Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance. GEORGE Physical therapy is covered by insurance? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE You don't have to pay for the massage? JERRY Not if you have a doctor's note. ELAINE So where do you get this note? JERRY Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist. GEORGE Right, your friend Roy. ELAINE What's the name of this physical therapist? JERRY I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off. GEORGE And you don't have to pay. George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office. GEORGE We have three-o'clock appointments. RECEPTIONIST George and Elaine, right? Could you fill these out for me please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll be with Raymond. GEORGE Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'? RECEPTIONIST Yes. GEORGE But, uh, Raymond is a man. RECEPTIONIST That's right. George sits down slowly, letting this sink in. GEORGE I can't get a massage from a man. ELAINE Why not? GEORGE What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me. ELAINE No, I don't want the man either. GEORGE What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you. ELAINE He'd just be touching your back. GEORGE He'd just be touching your back too. ELAINE No, it could get sexual. GEORGE I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you. ELAINE I wouldn't be comfortable. GEORGE I would? What if something happens? ELAINE What could happen? GEORGE What if it felt good? ELAINE It's supposed to feel good. GEORGE I don't want it to feel good. ELAINE Then why get the massage? GEORGE Exactly! A man walks up dressed in white. RAYMOND George? GEORGE Yes? RAYMOND I'm Raymond. GEORGE Hello. RAYMOND Are you ready? George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond. George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George appears extremely uncomfortable. RAYMOND ...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office. GEORGE Really. RAYMOND I used to be a flight attendant. GEORGE Oh boy. RAYMOND Ya know, why don't you open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way. George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down his hips then starts massaging his lower back. RAYMOND So what do you do? GEORGE What? RAYMOND I said, 'What do you do?'. GEORGE I don't know. RAYMOND You don't know what you do? GEORGE Nah. RAYMOND Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense. GEORGE Coffee. Too much coffee. RAYMOND Okay, just take off those pants now, I'll work the hamstring. GEORGE Oh, the hamstring's fine. RAYMOND But you wrote that it was tender. GEORGE I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote. RAYMOND I'll check it out. GEORGE Are you sure? RAYMOND Yeah, take 'em off. George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond rubbing his hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs back on the table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid with discomfort. RAYMOND How did you hurt this? GEORGE I don't know. RAYMOND You don't know? GEORGE No. RAYMOND But you just told me-- GEORGE Korea. RAYMOND You hurt it in Korea? GEORGE What? RAYMOND The hamstring. GEORGE Korea. RAYMOND How? GEORGE Hamstring. RAYMOND How did you hurt the hamstring? GEORGE Hotel. Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly, he appears positively shell-shocked. ELAINE How'd it go? George? George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. JERRY No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway. George enters acting nervous. JERRY What's with you? GEORGE A... JERRY Yes, A...? GEORGE A man gave me... JERRY Yes, a man gave you...? GEORGE A man gave me... a massage. JERRY So? GEORGE So he... had his hands and, uh, he was... JERRY He was what?! GEORGE He was... touching and rubbing. JERRY That's a massage. GEORGE And then I took my pants off. JERRY You took your pants off? GEORGE For my hamstring. JERRY Oh. GEORGE He got about two inches from... there. JERRY Really? GEORGE I think it moved. JERRY Moved? GEORGE It may have moved, I don't know. JERRY I'm sure it didn't move. GEORGE It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it. JERRY Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side. GEORGE No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move. JERRY Okay, so what if it moved? GEORGE That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move. JERRY That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact. GEORGE You think it's contact? It has to be touched? JERRY That's what a gym teacher once told me. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut. JERRY Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts? KRAMER Yeah. Joe DiMaggio. JERRY I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts. KRAMER Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts. GEORGE I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch. JERRY I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts. KRAMER Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else? JERRY He can have a donut, but not at Dinky. GEORGE I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man. KRAMER Look I'm telling-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio. GEORGE The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy. JERRY I never said I'd do that. GEORGE What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that. JERRY I don't know how I feel about it. GEORGE Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now? JERRY Alright, alright. KRAMER A stall man, huh? George and Jerry are in Roy's office. JERRY ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine. GEORGE He didn't say he can't. JERRY I mean, if you feel funny about it at all. GEORGE He doesn't feel funny. JERRY If he does. GEORGE Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything. JERRY He feels funny. You don't have to do this. GEORGE He knows that! JERRY Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship? GEORGE Oh, can you be any more dramatic? ROY Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he? GEORGE How would I know? ROY Do you like him? GEORGE What do you mean, like him? ROY Do you like him? GEORGE I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him. ROY How come you don't like him? GEORGE Why should I? JERRY What is the matter with you? GEORGE Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different? ROY So, you want the notes? JERRY You don't have to, really. ROY Nah nah, it's ok. JERRY We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George? Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Well what about the week after? No appointments at all? (Jerry tries to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end and he has to squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you? ELAINE What? JERRY Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there. ELAINE Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again. JERRY Uh huh. ELAINE Joe DiMaggio? KRAMER Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks. ELAINE Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut? KRAMER That's right. JERRY See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker. KRAMER Oh, he's a dunker. ELAINE Why couldn't he be a dunker? KRAMER And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits. ELAINE So then what? KRAMER Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out. ELAINE Why didn't you just call out his name? George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee. JERRY What happened to you? GEORGE One of those kids called me a Mary. ELAINE A what? GEORGE I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell. KRAMER Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive. ELAINE Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that? George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers it, Jerry grabs it from him. JERRY Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god, how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud. KRAMER ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe... JERRY I told you. GEORGE Told me what? JERRY I told you we shouldn't do it. GEORGE He didn't say anything. JERRY He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes. ELAINE Three notes? JERRY Yeah, you, me and George. ELAINE You got me a note? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE But I got my own note. JERRY You what? ELAINE I got a note from my gynecologist. JERRY Why'd you do that? ELAINE I didn't know you were getting me a note. JERRY Of course I was getting you a note. ELAINE But you didn't say anything. JERRY Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors. KRAMER How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yeah. Kramer leaves. Jerry and George are at Roy's office. JERRY Hi Pam. PAM Hello. GEORGE Hello. JERRY I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy. Roy walks in. ROY Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi. JERRY Hi Roy. GEORGE How ya doing? ROY Come on back, I have a patient but she's under. Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a dental chair. JERRY I don't even know what to say. GEORGE Me neither. JERRY I knew this would happen. GEORGE Me too. JERRY I mean the whole thing, it's just... GEORGE Tragic. JERRY Well it's not tragic. GEORGE No? JERRY No, it's... GEORGE Unsettling? JERRY Okay. I mean, what if the-- Pam walks in and interrupts. PAM I hope you're both happy. JERRY I'm not happy. GEORGE Me neither. I've never been happy. JERRY I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now. GEORGE In college, maybe. Those were fun times. JERRY Yeah, college was fun. Pam walks in again and interjects. PAM You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? ROY Don't mind her. JERRY Oh please, I love her. GEORGE I've just met her but I'm very impressed. ROY I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before. JERRY What's the next move, what's gonna happen now? ROY Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story. JERRY What? The physical therapist? Why? ROY She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem. The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George. GEORGE How ya doing? Jerry and George are at Julianna's office. JERRY Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna. RECEPTIONIST I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it. JERRY Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really have to speak with her. RECEPTIONIST I told you, she's not here. JERRY You don't understand. RECEPTIONIST Look, you have to leave. JERRY Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna walks up with her child) Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you-- JULIANNA Please! JERRY --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance-- JULIANNA I treated you, so please, just get out of the office! JERRY Can't you just listen to me? JULIANNA Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police! Julianna then runs down the hall. JERRY The police? Raymond the masseuse walks up. RAYMOND Hi George. GEORGE Hello. JERRY Raymond? Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. ELAINE Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist. JERRY Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming. GEORGE Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle. ELAINE Of what? Oh. GEORGE And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!" ELAINE What do they do? GEORGE They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!" Jerry spots Kramer through the window. JERRY Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention) Maybe it's time you got as different hobby. Kramer enters and sits at the booth. KRAMER I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas. The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously. JERRY Did he say anything? KRAMER No no, he's fine. JERRY Oh my god, it's... GEORGE Joe DiMaggio. KRAMER Where? JERRY Having a cup of coffee. ELAINE He's dunking! JERRY Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here. GEORGE You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please. KRAMER Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See? I told you. (Closing monologue) What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'" THE END |
THE MASSEUSE | THE MASSEUSE Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) (Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment) (Elaine's on the phone with Jerry) JERRY No eight years isn't such a long streak. ELAINE It isn't? JERRY No I haven't vomited in thirteen years. ELAINE Get out! JERRY Not since June 29, 1980. ELAINE You remember the date? JERRY Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again." ELAINE Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal. JERRY Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York. ELAINE Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up) JOANNE Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop. ELAINE Oh, yeah? JOANNE Yeah. What's his name? ELAINE Joel... JOANNE Joel what? ELAINE Uh... Rifkin. MICHAEL Rifkin? Joel Rifkin? ELAINE Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously. MICHAEL Guess you better keep on his good side. ELAINE Very funny. That's very funny. JOANNE I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you. ELAINE All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough. MICHAEL Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car... ELAINE (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up! (scene ends) (Jerry's) ELAINE The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin. JERRY But you like your Joel Rifkin. ELAINE Yeah. I just wish he has a different name. JERRY Ask him to change it. ELAINE You can't ask a person to change their name. JERRY Why not? ELAINE Would you change yours? JERRY If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld. (Kramer enters) ELAINE Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen? JERRY Yeah. Eighteen strangles. KRAMER You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels) ELAINE You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game. (Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again) KRAMER I'll go. ELAINE O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call. KRAMER Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again) ELAINE You think I should have asked George? JERRY Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen? ELAINE Karen? JERRY Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him) ELAINE Oh! The Risotto broad. JERRY Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight. ELAINE I tought you didn't like double dates. JERRY George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality. ELAINE I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds. JERRY He feels he's funnier, more relaxed. ELAINE And you're taking... JERRY Jody the masseuse. ELAINE Hey, did you get a massage yet? JERRY No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage? ELAINE Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates. JERRY Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex. ELAINE So what? JERRY Well it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato. (scene ends) (The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')) (Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!) GEORGE (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?" KAREN That is so funny. GEORGE (to Jody) You're listening to this? JODI Yeah. I heard you. JERRY (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here. JODI (to George) So what did she say? GEORGE Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing) JODI You just said that you said it. GEORGE Sweetheart, I was exaggerating. KAREN I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this. JERRY (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here. GEORGE You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket. JODI How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive? GEORGE Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart. JODI (to Jerry) Can we go? JERRY Yeah. Let's go. KAREN So soon? (they get up) JERRY Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen. KAREN Yeah. JODI Nice meeting you Karen. KAREN Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage. JODI Oh yeah. GEORGE Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him) JODI Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away) (scene ends) (Jerry's place later that night) (Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV) JERRY I strained my neck last night. JODI Really, how? JERRY I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work. JODI So what's the deal with your friend George? JERRY No deal. Why? JODI What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense? JERRY He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality. JODI I don't know how you can hang out with that guy. JERRY Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder) JODI Did you see the way that he was eating? JERRY Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV) JODI I have to tell you, I really don't like him. JERRY Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder) JODI It's just I hate that type. JERRY Yeah, he's a bad seed. JODI Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry) JERRY What are you doing? JODI What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...) (scene ends) (The Chinese restaurant) (George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave) GEORGE So, what do you think? KAREN Really enjoyed it. GEORGE Jody's nice. KAREN She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later. GEORGE You think she liked me? She seemed to like me. KAREN Yeah GEORGE I was personable. Don't you think I was personable? KAREN You were *extremely* personable. GEORGE I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything? KAREN I didn't pick up anything. GEORGE The second time I sent the noodle back, I tought she made a face... KAREN I didn't see a face. GEORGE I tought I saw a face. KAREN Anyhow, what is the difference? GEORGE No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend. KAREN George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...") GEORGE He he he he KAREN Ah ah ah ah GEORGE So you think she likes me? (Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table) (scene ends) (Elaine's place) (She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.) ELAINE (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing? JOEL Massaging your neck. ELAINE Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging. JOEL Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her) ELAINE Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Dion. JOEL Dion Benes? ELAINE Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool. JOEL D-Dion Rifkin? ELAINE Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great! JOEL Elaine! What is going on? (scene ends) (Monk's) (Jerry and George at a booth) GEORGE She stayed over? JERRY Yeah. (disappointed) GEORGE The sex wasn't so good? JERRY No. The sex was fabulous. GEORGE So? JERRY I want the massage! GEORGE Did you ask her? JERRY I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it. GEORGE Why not? JERRY I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating. GEORGE So we had a good time... the four of us. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE What did Jodi say? JERRY She had a good time. GEORGE Is that it? JERRY Pretty much. GEORGE Did she say anything about, uh... JERRY What? GEORGE Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time. JERRY Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee) GEORGE You just hesitated. JERRY I was blowing on the coffee. GEORGE She didn't like me? JERRY Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her. GEORGE So she doesn't like me? JERRY No. GEORGE She said that? JERRY Yes. GEORGE She told you she doesn't like me! JERRY Yes. GEORGE What were her exact-- JERRY "I don't like him." GEORGE Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me? JERRY Not everybody likes everybody! GEORGE I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice? JERRY You were very nice! GEORGE I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister? JERRY It has nothing to do with her sister. GEORGE I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! (scene ends) (hall in Jerry's building) (George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's) GEORGE You vomited in 1987. JERRY Oh no. That was the dry heaves. (Jodi is in front of Jerry's door) JERRY Jodi. JODI Hey, Jerry. GEORGE Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here) JERRY What are you doing here? JODI I was giving Kramer a massage. JERRY Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous) JODI I got to run. I have an appointment downtown. GEORGE Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you. JODI No that's O.K. GEORGE Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him) JERRY I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe) KRAMER Hey! I am looser than creamed corn! JERRY Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet! KRAMER You don't know what you're missing buddy. (they enter Jerry's apartment) (scene ends) (street in front of Jerry's building) (George and Jodi) GEORGE No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me. JODI You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi) GEORGE Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away) (scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter) KRAMER (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch) JERRY So you had a good time. KRAMER Oh... yeah... JERRY Enjoyed yourself. KRAMER Very... much... JERRY All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch) KRAMER What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking) JERRY The massages are out! KRAMER Wha-- JERRY Ahh!!! They're out! KRAMER Why?! JERRY Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one. KRAMER Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out! JERRY I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen) KRAMER Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking) JERRY Don't you ever talk about her like that! KRAMER But why? JERRY That's final!!! KRAMER Ah!!! Yahh!!! (scene ends) (Giants Stadium) (Elaine and Joel) ELAINE Oh, you have photos in your wallet? JOEL Yeah. Why? Is that weird? ELAINE No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this? JOEL That's my mother. ELAINE Oh yeah. I see the resemblance. JOEL No, there's no resemblance. ELAINE Yeah, there is, right here you see-- JOEL Elaine, I was adopted. ELAINE (pause) Oh. That's nice. JOEL The game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is. (scene ends) (ticket counter) KRAMER (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer. TICKET MAN Here it is. I need some I.D. KRAMER Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet. TICKET MAN Well, I can't give it to you then. KRAMER Are you kidding me? TICKET MAN I'm afraid not. KRAMER Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer. TICKET MAN I'm sorry. I need proof. KRAMER Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day. TICKET MAN Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket. KRAMER Where is a phone? (scene ends) (back to Elaine and Joel watching the game) ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin) JOEL Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around) ELAINE (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer. (scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer enters, moaning) KRAMER Oh, God. JERRY What's the matter with you? KRAMER Jerry, I need another massage! JERRY You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for? KRAMER Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving. JERRY Oh please. KRAMER And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry! JERRY Well, did you get the ball? KRAMER Oh I got the ball. JERRY Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game. KRAMER Well, It's quite a thrill. JERRY Why don't you get somebody else? KRAMER Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best. JERRY Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's". KRAMER What about my massage? JERRY Ask Newman. (scene ends) (Monk's) (George and Karen at a booth) GEORGE So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things? KAREN Of course. GEORGE No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table. KAREN What, do you think I've never had a massage before? GEORGE Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it! KAREN George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her. GEORGE I wanna know what I did to this woman. KAREN What, you got a little thing for her? GEORGE No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other. KAREN What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you? GEORGE Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked! (scene ends) (Elaine's apartment) (Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch) ELAINE Of course I support your decision to change your name. JOEL After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away. ELAINE Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin. JOEL Sure? ELAINE (she fakes a strangling) RRR... JOEL O.K. you got your list? ELAINE Yeah. Yeah. 10 names. JOEL Right. ELAINE O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it. JOEL O.K. ELAINE O.K. You start. What's your first choice? JOEL Stuart. ELAINE (right away) No. Second choice. JOEL Stu--Stuart's no good? ELAINE I've never met a normal guy named Stuart. JOEL O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd. ELAINE (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto. JOEL All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice. ELAINE Great... JOEL Alex. ELAINE I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex. JOEL Bad bad association? ELAINE Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class. (scnen ends) (Jerry's place) (Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded) JODI Hey. JERRY Hi. JODI Hi. (kissing) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over. JERRY Ah, no problem. That's fine. JODI What's with this music? JERRY That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table) JODI What are you doing? JERRY Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment. JODI Actually, I should get a new one. JERRY Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table) JODI So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder) JERRY Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice. JODI (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this. JERRY Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders) JODI I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away) JERRY No. Yes you can. (he hangs on) JODI No, I can't! JERRY Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table) (scene ends) (Karen's place) (George and Karen are making out on the couch) GEORGE You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to. KAREN You're going now? GEORGE I think I can still catch her. KAREN All right George. I have had just about enough of this. GEORGE What? What are you talking about. KAREN I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her! GEORGE I know. I know. KAREN Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick? GEORGE (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door) KAREN Well, now *I* hate you! GEORGE That I'm used to. (he leaves) (scene ends) (back to Elaine's place) JOEL Ned? ELAINE What is wrong with Ned? JOEL Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next! ELAINE Ellis. JOEL Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing! ELAINE Ellis and Alex aren't even close. JOEL NEXT! ELAINE Ohh, what is the point? JOEL NO, NO. COME ON! ELAINE O.K. O.K. Remy. JOEL Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret? ELAINE Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother. JOEL Grrrr! (scene ends) (back to Jerry's) JERRY What do you mean, no? JODI No means no. JERRY Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser. JODI Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here. JERRY Fine. Go. (George enters. He's staring at Jodi) GEORGE Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please? JERRY What for? GEORGE We need to talk. JERRY *You* need to talk? JODI We have nothing to talk about. GEORGE Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind. JERRY George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me. GEORGE (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her. JERRY What? GEORGE She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable. JERRY I can see that. JODI I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me. JERRY Don't worry. (she leaves) GEORGE A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime. JERRY You're a lucky guy. GEORGE I got to go after her. JERRY George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods) GEORGE JODI! (he starts running after her) THE END |
THE BUTTER SHAVE | THE BUTTER SHAVE Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth. A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal... a moustache. GEORGE What is Holland? JERRY What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium. GEORGE No, that's the Netherlands. JERRY Holland *is* the Netherlands. GEORGE Then who are the Dutch? JERRY You know I cannot stand this thing anymore. GEORGE I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star. JERRY I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation. GEORGE Well why didn't we? JERRY Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said. GEORGE What if we grew muttonchops? JERRY No. GEORGE Buzz cuts? Parachute pants! JERRY Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job. GEORGE Dammit. George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane. GEORGE Hey hey hey, check me out, huh? JERRY No more crutches, that must be a relief. GEORGE Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions. JERRY Not with a cane? GEORGE Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those? George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from the other end of the bar. JERRY Always a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot. GEORGE Alright, we're back in! JERRY We? No. CLUB ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania. Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar. BANIA Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, didja see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed. JERRY Killed? BANIA Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good looking ones too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name? GEORGE Killed. JERRY Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark. GEORGE And you're the shark? JERRY Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs. GEORGE I don't know how a fish could eat laughs. JERRY Well, I'm glad I brought it up. Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache. KRAMER Got any shredded coconut? JERRY Uh, we're not doing that any more. KRAMER Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out) GEORGE Oh my god. JERRY What? GEORGE I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon. JERRY So what's this job? GEORGE Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports. JERRY Knicks? Rangers? GEORGE Playground equipment. JERRY Welcome back to the show. Kramer walks back in, clean shaven. KRAMER Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut? JERRY No. GEORGE I gotta hobble. (walks out) Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip. KRAMER D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. I'm getting no protection. JERRY What kind do you use? KRAMER Whatever you get. JERRY Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe. KRAMER Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe. JERRY Remember David Puddy? KRAMER She's dating him again, huh? JERRY Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order. KRAMER Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi. PUDDY Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that? ELAINE We have to break up. PUDDY What? ELAINE I can't take this any more! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag! PUDDY Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway? ELAINE Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through! PUDDY Fine! ELAINE Fine! CAB DRIVER Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight. Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together. CAPTAIN Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours. ELAINE Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what? Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there. KRAMER Hey, what are you doing? JERRY Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that. KRAMER Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed. JERRY He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit. KRAMER Well, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy. JERRY Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. KRAMER What? JERRY Do I have to ask? KRAMER I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy? Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and drags him back. JERRY Why are you buttering your face? KRAMER I'm shaving with it. JERRY Oh Moses smell the roses. KRAMER Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. Now feel my face. JERRY No. KRAMER Feel it. JERRY I don't want to. KRAMER Feel it. Feel it. Jerry places two slices of bread against Kramer's face. JERRY That is close. Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment. George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods. GEORGE I got the job? MR. THOMASSOULO I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, handicap. GEORGE Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm not handicapped. MR. THOMASSOULO I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged. GEORGE Yeah, I didn't mean that. MR. THOMASSOULO Of course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom. GEORGE When do I start? MR. THOMASSOULO Whenever you feel that you're able. (Rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here. GEORGE Yeah, what the hell. Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth. JERRY You got the job? GEORGE Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view. JERRY Hold on, they think you're handicapped? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me! JERRY How can you do this? GEORGE Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did. JERRY He drove a car with no arms? GEORGE Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway! JERRY Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you? GEORGE I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building. Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter. KRAMER They hooked me up. GEORGE What's with all the butter? KRAMER I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered? JERRY You can eat it? KRAMER No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body. Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away. JERRY Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna. GEORGE Who? JERRY The tooth brush in the toilet bowl. Bania and Jenna walk over. BANIA Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good lookin' huh? JENNA Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you. BANIA Oh. This is awkward. JENNA Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure. Bania and Jenna leave. JERRY I don't believe this. GEORGE You miss her, don't you? JERRY No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies. GEORGE You miss her. Puddy and Elaine on the plane. PUDDY You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more. ELAINE Huh. You believing this? PASSENGER Excuse me, I was sleeping. ELAINE You missed quite a performance. Elaine drinks from a can of juice. PASSENGER That's my apple juice. A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs on a rail, is carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his cane and fakes a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets laughs from everyone, including the man he tripped. Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman. JERRY Someone's cooking. NEWMAN Hello, Jerry. JERRY Hello, Newman. NEWMAN You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is-- JERRY I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman. NEWMAN Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. Maybe it's Kramer. JERRY No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter - pause - Oh no! NEWMAN Butter? Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other. PASSENGER -Fimty kroner. ELAINE You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head. Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh. WOMAN David, you are so funny. PUDDY Yeah, I know. ELAINE What are you doing? PUDDY It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life. ELAINE By making time with some floozy across the aisle? PUDDY Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, vegetable lasagna? ELAINE This guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't mean anything to me. PASSENGER I can hear you. PUDDY Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together. ELAINE Well maybe I feel the same way. PUDDY Ok. ELAINE Ok, so now what? PUDDY Let's make out. Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer is decked out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red. JERRY Kramer! KRAMER Oh, man. I think I cooked myself. JERRY Look at your skin. KRAMER Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done. Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in. KRAMER I'm fried. JERRY Technically, you're saut�ed. So, what are you doing for that? KRAMER Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out. JERRY Is that what the doctor said? KRAMER No, I read an article in Bon Appetite magazine. Kramer leaves, George enters, limping. GEORGE Hmm. Game hen? JERRY Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you? GEORGE No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle. JERRY What happened? GEORGE Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave -- JERRY Oh no, not you too? GEORGE I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and... JERRY You know what's good for that? Relish. Phone rings, Jerry answers. JERRY Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me. GEORGE So what, he's got a couple of good jokes. JERRY Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel? GEORGE That's true, that always happens to me. JERRY You think that's funny? GEORGE I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much. JERRY You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan! GEORGE maybe I am. JERRY Oh, I'm gonna puke. GEORGE Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't have to think about that. Elaine and Puddy on the plane. ELAINE I can't believe we broke up like that. Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space. ELAINE Do you want something to read? PUDDY Nah. ELAINE Well, are you going to take a nap or -- PUDDY Nah. ELAINE You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat? PUDDY Yeah. Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate. ELAINE That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago. PUDDY Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back. ELAINE Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna here knows it. VEGETABLE LASAGNA I don't want to get involved. ELAINE Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing! VEGETABLE LASAGNA Oh god. Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of the passenger seated behind her. PASSENGER Ow! Ow!! Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated beside it, reading "Alive" NEWMAN How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here. KRAMER Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy. NEWMAN The smell. It's still with you, huh? KRAMER Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter in. Stir it up so it melts. Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips and working himself up. KRAMER Ahh, now I'm simmering. Newman drops the stick and runs out. NEWMAN I'll meet you at the coffee shop. George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now. MR. THOMASSOULO Good morning, George. Is something wrong with your other leg? GEORGE Oh, no, that's just the old handicap acting up. MR. THOMASSOULO But your cane's on the wrong side. GEORGE That's just because we're standing on opposite sides. See, when we met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was reversed, like in the mirror. They walk over to a mirrored wall. GEORGE See? This looks right to you, doesn't it? MR. THOMASSOULO Uh, yeah, I guess. GEORGE But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong-- MR. THOMASSOULO Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see what's going on here. Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. Jerry opens the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter. GEORGE Well, you're not gonna believe what happened. JERRY You mugged Stephen Hawking? GEORGE Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house. George rides around the apartment. JERRY Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour. Jerry's phone rings, he answers it. JERRY Hello? ELAINE Jerry. JERRY Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going? ELAINE Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge! VEGETABLE LASAGNA Please don't shout. I can't take it. JERRY Who's that? ELAINE It's Vegetable Lasagna. JERRY Who? ELAINE Vegetable Lasagna! VEGETABLE LASAGNA My name is Magnus. ELAINE Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead! JERRY Get me some duty free Kahlua. Jerry hangs up. GEORGE How's the trip? JERRY Sounded good. George. Well. Gotta motor. JERRY Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight. GEORGE Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh? JERRY That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off. GEORGE What are you talking about? You're not! JERRY That's right, I'm taking a dive. GEORGE You're throwing the set? JERRY I'm laying down! Then let's see how he does up there, without all the assistance. GEORGE Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation. JERRY We're four months apart. GEORGE nevertheless. His time has come. George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under Jerry's coffee table. GEORGE Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way. Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn. Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself. NEWMAN Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer. The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates Kramer's head on the turkey. KRAMER/TURKEY Hey buddy. Newman screams and runs out of Monks. Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club KRAMER What are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set? JERRY That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot. CLUB ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored suspenders. JERRY If you'll excuse me. Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage. Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh? Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience. JERRY What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade? Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one. JERRY And what's with people getting sick? NEWMAN Hee hee! Yeah yeah! JERRY I mean, what's the deal with cancer? MAN IN AUDIENCE I have cancer! KRAMER Oh, tough crowd. George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby store. MAN Hey, hey! You dented my ride. George walks back to inspect the damage. GEORGE Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, I did you a favor. MAN How about I do you a favor upside your head? GEORGE Oh yeah? MAN Oh yeah. George leaps back on his scooter and floors it. MAN Hey! WOMAN Get the bikes. Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's soaked with sweat. Kramer and Bania are there. BANIA Ouch. KRAMER You didn't do so bad. JERRY What are you talking about? I bombed! KRAMER No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? It was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it. JERRY Like who? KRAMER Like that guy who yelled out. JERRY He had cancer! KRAMER And laughter is the best medicine. JERRY Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you. CLUB ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania! Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in. KRAMER Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there. NEWMAN Turkey? KRAMER A big fat turkey. NEWMAN I'm sorry I missed that. KRAMER He worked so hard and then he just-- Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself. KRAMER What is this, oregano? Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through carrying a bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer. KRAMER Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me! Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves and hands them to Kramer. NEWMAN Here. Hold this. KRAMER What is this, parsley? Newman makes as if to attack Kramer. Jerry watching Bania from the wing. JERRY Ah, the sweet stench of failure. Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto the stage. KRAMER Get off of me, get off of me! City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. Action movie music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. George's battery dies and his scooter stops. MAN Now I got you! George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building at that moment. MR. THOMASSOULO George? Your legs! GEORGE Are you a religious man, sir? MR. THOMASSOULO No. Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about to lay into him with a cane. MAN Eat hickory!! The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene changes to Jerry, sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. Bania walks in. BANIA Hey Jerry, didja see it? JERRY Ouch. Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves. STU Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there. JERRY What? JAY That thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about. STU Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business. JAY By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky. BANIA How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again. JERRY Oh, I'm gonna puke. BANIA Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that? Exterior of NYC airport. ELAINE David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon. PUDDY Ditto. ELAINE Oh that's origi- PUDDY Shut up. Elaine gets into a taxi cab. ELAINE 86th and Broadway please. CAB DRIVER I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are making everybody share. Puddy enters the cab on the left. ELAINE Oh no. Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right. VEGETABLE LASAGNA Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry. ELAINE Noooooooooooo! Cab rides away. THE END |
THE CHINESE WOMAN | THE CHINESE WOMAN Written by Peter Mehlman (The street) JERRY Good shave today.. ELAINE [wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine. JERRY I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little.. ELAINE Can we rest here a second. JERRY [pause] Yeah, I guess. [She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.] JERRY .. So how's Noreen? ELAINE Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul. JERRY Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker.. ELAINE No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat. JERRY A Long Talker. ELAINE Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I just hang up. JERRY [pause] All right; let's move it out. [ELAINE gets her bags.] JERRY Hey, isn't that George's father? ELAINE Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello? JERRY I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context. ELAINE That man he's with: is he wearing a cape? JERRY I believe he is wearing a cape. ELAINE Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape? JERRY Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy. ELAINE Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape? JERRY You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me. [ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY walks by her so he's out of view, too.] [End of Intro-- time: 1:23] [Commercial Break] [JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."] JERRY Just, ah, plop it on the counter there. [ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the counter. He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during the following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags and puts some in one bag--presumably hers.] JERRY Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine] GEORGE [on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep] ELAINE That sounds Urgent.. JERRY Let me call him back.. Hello?? Who is this? Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number. ELAINE Donna Chang? JERRY [is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women. ELAINE Isn't that a little racist? JERRY If I like their race, how can that be racist?.. Hellooo??.. Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!.. Yyy-yes, I am calling George.. Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?! [KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the line to chat with Donna.] JERRY So listen.. KRAMER I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' to? ELAINE He's on with a Chinese woman. KRAMER Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, pulling down his underwear in back, through his pants] ELAINE You got a.. comfort problem there? KRAMER Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk. ELAINE I thought you wore silk underwear. KRAMER No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stay with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious. Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house. ELAINE [not charmed..] That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count. KRAMER Sperm count? Well how many ssssperm should I have? ELAINE A lot. [JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off the phone.] JERRY I got a date! ELAINE With the Chinese woman?! JERRY She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited. KRAMER Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked? JERRY No, why should I? I wear boxers. KRAMER You ever get a woman pregnant? JERRY I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed.. KRAMER What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"? JERRY Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??.. Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I-- KRAMER A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out] Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!! JERRY Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted. KRAMER Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing extinction! JERRY Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked. KRAMER Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle of the day?? ELAINE Does that conflict with your regular schedule? [KRAMER, distracted, leaves.] ELAINE [going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package of them] All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again. JERRY I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony! ELAINE She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food? JERRY She suggested it! ELAINE I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese.. JERRY She's very assimilated. [Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the other end. ELAINE quickly hangs up.] JERRY Paul again? ELAINE [matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him. [GEORGE comes in.] GEORGE Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?! JERRY I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman! GEORGE Uh? ELAINE [coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of the couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before. GEORGE What's he doin' in the city today? [They both shrug.] GEORGE You didn't ask him? [They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.] GEORGE You didn't say hello? ELAINE Well, he was with someone. A man.. In a cape. GEORGE Why was he wearing a cape?.. [ELAINE and JERRY shrug.] GEORGE Was my father wearing a cape? JERRY No. Jacket and tie: no cape. GEORGE Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape doin' with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape? .. [opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone] [Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR comes in.] DOCTOR The results of your sperm test are in. Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family? KRAMER Yes! I would like to! Very much!.. Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!... DOCTOR Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low. KRAMER Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to procreate! I-- DOCTOR Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to improve your fertility. KRAMER All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me. DOCTOR First thing: you should wear boxer shorts. KRAMER All the time? DOCTOR All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away. KRAMER Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys. [At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair dryer onto the phone.] ELAINE Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling! Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well you can just tell her I called, then, an'-- Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately.. Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna.. [a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too.. Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car.. seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off the phone. [hangs up] [Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good mood, sitting next to a GUY.] HOSTESS Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir. JERRY Yes, I will. GUY [indicating a cigarette] Mind? JERRY [good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day. [DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.] DONNA Jerry. JERRY [pause] 'scuse me? DONNA Hi. Sorry I'm late. JERRY Who're you? DONNA I'm Donna Chang.. JERRY [stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean? DONNA I mean: I'm Donna Chang. JERRY [pause] You're Donna Chang? DONNA Did you think I was Chinese?.. JERRY Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"? DONNA Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang. JERRY I didn't think so. DONNA It used to be "Changstein." [Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl of Raisin Bran.] ELAINE She's not Chinese? JERRY No. Not Chinese. Not even Asian. ELAINE So. What is she? JERRY Well, she's.. like you. ELAINE [pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, with her cereal] JERRY Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as "Donna Chang,".. ELAINE So why're you seeing her again.. JERRY Well, she is a woman. ELAINE I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up. JERRY Really? ELAINE Well, maybe. JERRY [sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him? ELAINE [pause] What do you mean? JERRY Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen? [As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile of underwear in his hands.] KRAMER Here. Take my Jockey shorts. [JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward around the apartment during the following.] ELAINE Whoa! Whoa! JERRY What is that?!! KRAMER Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts. JERRY Wha--you have a low sperm count? KRAMER Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em. JERRY Nnnoo--I don't want 'em. KRAMER Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them! JERRY Look! I don't want 'em! KRAMER All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! JERRY I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house! [KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own pants.] KRAMER Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up, they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flip pin'! I'm floppin'! [ELAINE's distracted by disgust.] KRAMER What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves] JERRY [calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have to move now. [At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.] FRANK Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes. GEORGE Plenty of mosquitoes. FRANK Queens is full of mosquitoes. GEORGE So, Dad.. FRANK Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken. GEORGE Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day! FRANK Your mother has to tell you every move I make!? GEORGE No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you. FRANK They didn't say hello? GEORGE Well, they were in a rush. FRANK They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them. GEORGE They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, ha ha. FRANK Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the word--supercilious. GEORGE So Dad. FRANK How could Jerry not say Hello?!! [Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch and he's drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.] JERRY So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet? DONNA No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic). JERRY [long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he say something--can't decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)? DONNA Ridiculous. JERRY [pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and she look at each other, puzzled.] [GEORGE comes in.] JERRY Oh, what are you doing here? GEORGE Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George. DONNA Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself registers that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.] I just spoke to your mother before. GEORGE [pause] You spoke to my mother? DONNA She was trying to call you, but-- JERRY The rines(sic) were crossed? [They both look at him weird.] GEORGE Did you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?" JERRY Did I? DONNA [pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour! Anyway, I'm really sorry. GEORGE Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? DONNA Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced. [JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes to the oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.] [End of Act I-- time: 10:18] [Commercial Break] [Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.] ELAINE Divorced. That's really too bad.. JERRY Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal. GEORGE [coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits! JERRY I never thought of that. GEORGE Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] Haha! It's like runnin' the double marathon! ELAINE Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong? JERRY Have you ever spent any time with these people..? GEORGE You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don't trust men in capes. JERRY You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him. GEORGE All right Superman's the exception. ELAINE [has been watching that with amazed disbelief] [KRAMER enters.] KRAMER Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had a thing for Noreen. ELAINE Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault. KRAMER Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy moves] JERRY Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.. KRAMER Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that. JERRY You went back to the Jockeys? KRAMER Wrong again. JERRY [pause] Oh, no. ELAINE What? What?.. JERRY Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys.. ELAINE Eeaawww... JERRY The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.. JERRY Kramer, say it isn't so. KRAMER Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!! JERRY Don't you need a little.. help? KRAMER Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave, still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!! [Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. We're looking straight at them.] ELAINE Well, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!.. NOREEN Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while.. ELAINE Oh, he went insane?.. NOREEN Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over? ELAINE [awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna, talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah! NOREEN [has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't believe that was you.. ELAINE [looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen.. NOREEN [pause] So you thought he was boring? ELAINE Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha. NOREEN [reconsidering Paul's worthiness.] [Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.] JERRY What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!! ELAINE I know-- JERRY First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker. ELAINE Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same. JERRY So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring. ELAINE [apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously. JERRY Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman! Anything you say she does! [Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.] JERRY Yeah. DONNA It's Donna Chang. JERRY [hits button] Come on up. ELAINE Well, I guess I just didn't realize it.. JERRY Well, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay? ELAINE Okay.. JERRY First, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did. ELAINE She was lost.. JERRY Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did! ELAINE Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun.. JERRY You know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.. ELAINE If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll! [DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.] DONNA Hi. JERRY Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine.. [At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.] DONNA [to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting divorced. JERRY Why? What happened? DONNA Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour, she changed her mind!!! JERRY Wow! That's amazing! DONNA Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She said you should come too. JERRY Tonight? DONNA Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class. [goes to phone] [Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.] [Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.] GEORGE All right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is goin' to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your minds!!! ESTELLE [calmly] We're not getting divorced. FRANK You mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand] GEORGE [glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to hear that. FRANK Yeah. We worked it out. GEORGE All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape? FRANK He was my lawyer. GEORGE You lawyer wears a cape..? FRANK Yeah. So what? GEORGE Who wears a cape? FRANK He's very independent; doesn't follow the trends. ESTELLE He looks ridiculous in that thing.. FRANK You have no eye for fashion!!! ESTELLE I have no eye for fashion?!?!?! GEORGE All right! Come on! Let's not fight. FRANK and ESTELLE All right! All right! ESTELLE Georgie's right. GEORGE So what made you change your mind? ESTELLE It was that Chinese woman. [In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.] JERRY So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind? DONNA I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius. JERRY [pause] Confucius, huh? DONNA Yeah. JERRY [pause] You know, you're not Chinese... [The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.] JERRY Hey! I heard the good news! FRANK Jerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?! JERRY Elaine was.. in a rush. FRANK I knew it was Elaine!! DONNA You must be Estelle. ESTELLE Yes. Who are you..? DONNA I'm Donna Chang! ESTELLE You're not Chinese! [Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on the couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back and forth between ELAINE and them.] KRAMER Hello? ELAINE Paul? KRAMER Elaine! ELAINE Kramer? KRAMER [pause] Yeahh! ELAINE What're you doin' there? KRAMER Wellll, isn't it obvious? ELAINE Uh! Ah, is Noreen there? KRAMER Yes, she is.. ELAINE Well? Can I talk to her? KRAMER What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you? ELAINE [tired] Fine--would you just put her on? KRAMER Well, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a while.. ELAINE You feel? KRAMER That's right! She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years.. ELAINE What are you insane?! KRAMER From now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here.. ELAINE Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her? KRAMER Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army.. There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now.. And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do.. ELAINE Uh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her! KRAMER Can't help ya, kid. [Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.] ESTELLE You're not Chinese!?!? DONNA [pause] No. ESTELLE I thought you were Chinese!! DONNA I'm from Long Island. ESTELLE Long Island?!?! I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!! DONNA I'm sorry..? ESTELLE Well! Then, that changes everything! GEORGE What?! ESTELLE She's not Chinese; I was duped!! GEORGE So what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chi nese?!?! ESTELLE I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into KITCHEN] GEORGE [chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!?! FRANK [from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a divorce?!!? You got one!!! JERRY [pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name.. [Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.] ELAINE So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me! JERRY Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. ELAINE [pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant. JERRY [has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish.. [A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.] GEORGE Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!! JERRY Hey. GEORGE I predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off] Saw both of them today! What a disaster! I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a date! Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We played "Clue"! All day with this! [KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window, shouts down to them.] KRAMER Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!! [During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over the edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape edges over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.] NOREEN Who are you?! MAN [calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her get back off (and out of view of the camera).] THE END |
THE MOVIE | THE MOVIE Written by Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman (Comedy club) JERRY What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet. 32 seconds) JERRY You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another KERNIS I hear you, guy. JERRY And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material! KERNIS Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot? JERRY No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie "CheckMate" AT 10 30. BUCKLES Hey, Jer! JERRY (not losing a step) Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... (and out the door) GEORGE Excuse me, do you have a ticket? MAN No. GEORGE Okay. Good. BUCKLES Jerry! JERRY What are (you) doing here? BUCKLES Hey, do you think this is funny? "Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!" ELAINE I've been *dying* to see "CheckMate". GEORGE Well, if it's as good as "Ponce de Leon", I'll be happy. ELAINE "Ponce de Leon", are you kidding me? I hated that movie! GEORGE "Ponce de Leon"? But that was great! ELAINE Oh, (come on). That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! (laughing too hard to continue) That's stupid! GEORGE Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it. KRAMER Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King. G+E No, wait! GEORGE You're not going to get back here in time! KRAMER I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner! ELAINE You can get a hot dog in the theater. KRAMER I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! (in tears) I want a Papaya King hot dog! ELAINE Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row. KRAMER Well, just save me a seat. ELAINE No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident! GEORGE I'm in line to buy. ELAINE No, George, this is the ticket-(holders) line. GEORGE No it's not, it's the ticket-(buyers) line. ELAINE Then how come we're not moving? KRAMER Good question. GEORGE Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? MAN Holders. GEORGE But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! MAN I didn't. My friend was getting it. GEORGE (furious) Good. It's good to be accurate like that. ELAINE Can you believe him? KRAMER He's spaced out. ELAINE How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line? KRAMER (thinks for a while) ELAINE (gives up) Yeah, exactly... ELAINE I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! GEORGE It's the same movie! What's the difference? ELAINE It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films. JERRY (to taxi driver) Take the Park! BUCKLES No no no, take 55th. BUCKLES Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish! JERRY (rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end) Okay, I get your point! BUCKLES I had a point? GEORGE Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle". ELAINE Sigh/Ugh. GEORGE I wouldn't mind seein' (that). ELAINE Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. GEORGE So what's your point? GEORGE By the way, you owe me seven fifty. ELAINE Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty? GEORGE No, I don't have any change. ELAINE Oh, well, then I'll pay you later. GEORGE Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later. ELAINE Yeah, you *could*... GEORGE Might be easier. ELAINE I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty. GEORGE (trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better) Either way. ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE So... Can I have it? ELAINE I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda. GEORGE Whaddya mean, you'll "get" the popcorn and the soda? ELAINE I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even. GEORGE I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons. ELAINE (exasperated) George, you're sappin' my strength. GEORGE You go in and save seats. ELAINE (in a panic) Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat! BUCKLES Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material. JERRY That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices. BUCKLES Jerry! Don't start up with me! JERRY I gotta get out of this cab... BUCKLES But Jerry, quit riffing! JERRY No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference? BUCKLES (pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight Show? ELAINE No, these are saved. MAN All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats. ELAINE What, is that a rule? GEORGE Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway. ELAINE (stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her) No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. (to George) (shrugs) I'm getting the hang of it. GEORGE Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle. ELAINE Can we do this later, George? GEORGE Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? (condescendingly takes her hand and pats it) You'll give me the money when you have it. (takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders) I, I trust you. KRAMER Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay? ELAINE No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken! WOMAN Which one? ELAINE These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!! ELAINE Oh, take 'em. GEORGE Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose? CLERK ... flared nostrils? GEORGE Yeah. CLERK Nope, haven't seen him. BUCKLES Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months? JERRY Your trench coat in my closet? BUCKLES Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world. BUCKLES We should see "Rochelle Rochelle". I hear it's really hot. JERRY No thanks, maybe some other time. BUCKLES Really? Do you really mean that? JERRY No, I don't. BUCKLES You liked the athlete's foot bit, right? JERRY No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. JERRY Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick? USHER (indicates "okay") KRAMER Hey, did that guy show up? CLERK The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth... KRAMER No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils. CLERK Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left. WOMAN So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that? WOMAN And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to "A Chorus Line", I mean you can see he's got talent. ELAINE (annoyed) Excuse me, excuse me. WOMAN What's the problem? ELAINE (momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident) You're talking. WOMAN It's the "Coming Attractions". WOMAN So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... USHER Ticket, sir? GEORGE Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend? USHER Do you have your stub? GEORGE (as if the word were totally foreign) My `stub'? USHER Mm hm. GEORGE You don't remember me? USHER It's a big city, sir. GEORGE I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan? GEORGE (whispering) Elaine? (loud whisper) Elaine! (louder whisper) Elaine! GEORGE (quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper) Elaine! NARRATOR The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. NARRATOR It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. "Rochelle Rochelle", now playing at Paradise 2. 13:38) ELAINE Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke? CLERK Do you want the Medium size or the middle size? ELAINE What's the difference? CLERK Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo. ELAINE (momentarily perplexed) What happened to the small? CLERK There is no small. Small is Medium. ELAINE What's... medium? CLERK Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo. ELAINE Oh-kay. Gimme the large. CLERK That's medium. ELAINE Right. Yeah. (fearing the answer) Could I have a small popcorn? CLERK There is no small. (flash of perky inspiration) Child-size is small. ELAINE What's `medium'? CLERK Adult. ELAINE Do adults ever order the child-size? CLERK (chuckling) Not usually. ELAINE (laughs appreciably) Okay, gimme the `adult'. CLERK Do you want butter? ELAINE Is it *real* butter? CLERK (perkily) It's butter-*flavored*! ELAINE (exasperated) What is it made of? CLERK (perkily) It's yellow! JERRY 44th and 9th. DRIVER Have you got a cigarette? JERRY No. USHER Ticket, sir? GEORGE We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago! USHER I need to see your stub. GEORGE (realizing the only way out is to show the stub) I've got the stub. GEORGE There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets. USHER Ticket, sir? KRAMER Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside. USHER Go ahead. KRAMER Is that seat taken? WOMAN BEHIND ELAINE It's all yours. DRIVER I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline. JERRY Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? DRIVER (taken aback) No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'! MAN You're soaking wet. Who are you? ROCHELLE My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. MAN Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold. ROCHELLE Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open. ROCHELLE Oh, that's much better. Much... ELAINE I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... (shakes more popcorn) I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there! USHER There's a seat in the front row. ELAINE No no, I can't sit in the front row. USHER Well, you're going to have to wait, then. ELAINE I can't stand around here for *two hours*! USHER I could let you see "Rochelle Rochelle". ELAINE (heavy sarcasm) Oh. Thanks. ELAINE Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein? USHER Haven't seen him. JERRY Hey, did I make it? KERNIS Sorry. JERRY Oh, great. That's great. What a night. ANNOUNCER Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! JERRY You got my spot? BUCKLES That athlete's foot bit killed! JERRY Really... BUCKLES Do you think I need to lose some weight? JERRY Weight? Naw. Just need some more height. JERRY My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies... BUCKLES Come on, we can still catch most of "Rochelle Rochelle". JERRY "Rochelle Rochelle", huh? BUCKLES A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. JERRY (his interest piqued) Minsk? ELAINE Oh, gimme a break! JERRY Elaine? ELAINE Jerry! JERRY Elaine! VOICE (whispered) Shut up. GEORGE Jerry? JERRY George? GEORGE Elaine? ELAINE George! (waves hi) JERRY Hey, where's Kramer? VOICE (whispered) Will you shut up? ELAINE I don't know. Does this movie stink or what! JERRY Let's get outta here. (to Buckles) I'll see ya. BUCKLES You're leaving? JERRY Yeah. BUCKLES (holding out his coat) Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. JERRY I don't want the coat. BUCKLES Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay! GEORGE (studying his jacket) Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty. JERRY I didn't even use the ticket! GEORGE I still paid for it! JERRY I only have a twenty. ELAINE That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that? KRAMER It was on the seat... ELAINE *YOU* took my seat!? GEORGE You uh owe me for the ticket. KRAMER Yeah, right... ELAINE What is that stain (on my coat)? KRAMER It's yellow mustard. (To George) Can you break a twenty? JERRY I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit, but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie guy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. (whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) "Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him." THE END |
THE LETTER | THE LETTER Written by Larry David (Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current girlfriend.) NINA (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can't do this if you keep moving. KRAMER You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I'll do it! NINA No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do. KRAMER Well, why don't you take your clothes off? NINA I don't know... I don't think Jerry would like that. KRAMER (debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little secret. Jerry's apartment) GEORGE (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open! JERRY I like the button fly. GEORGE (incredulous) What? JERRY That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today? GEORGE Nothing. JERRY I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings? GEORGE I don't get art. JERRY There's nothing to get. GEORGE Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation. JERRY She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now. GEORGE What for? JERRY She sees something in him. GEORGE So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall. Nina's studio again--same scene) KRAMER Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee. NINA Tell me about Elaine. KRAMER She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. NINA But, they're still friends. KRAMER Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together). NINA Don't you think that's strange? KRAMER Why, what's the difference? NINA Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends? KRAMER Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships. the door outside Nina's studio) GEORGE You know, I'm a little nervous. JERRY Why? GEORGE Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship. JERRY I don't know how long this is gonna last. GEORGE Really? I thought you liked her. JERRY I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door) GEORGE You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I? (Nina opens the door) JERRY Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George. NINA How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods) JERRY (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy! KRAMER Yeah! JERRY (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings. NINA Oh, are you interested? GEORGE (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested. KRAMER George, you gonna buy a painting? GEORGE (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure. NINA Are you an art-lover? GEORGE I am an art-adorer! I adore art. NINA Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress (Kramer) and picks up a brush.) JERRY May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting) NINA (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands Jerry a small white envelope) JERRY What's this? NINA My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout. JERRY (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town. NINA Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em? KRAMER (immediately) Yeah. JERRY They're right behind the dugout, George, first row! GEORGE Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them? NINA Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box. GEORGE All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout! NINA (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look- ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one? Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead to their seats) GEORGE Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row? USHER No, no, these are your seats. GEORGE She said first row! Right behind the dugout! ELAINE Well, it's the second row. It's just as good. GEORGE I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up on the dugout! ELAINE Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this. GEORGE Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better. KRAMER Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day! ELAINE I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now. GEORGE (amused) You're supposed to do that? ELAINE (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision? GEORGE I'd rather go to a hanging. ELAINE Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs) KRAMER (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT, JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!! (a man approaches the trio) MAN George? GEORGE Yeah? MAN Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father. GEORGE Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine-- ELAINE Hi! KRAMER (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE! GEORGE --and this is Kramer. KRAMER Oh, hey. (the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds) WEST So how are the seats? GEORGE Okay. ELAINE Great, great. KRAMER Yeah. WEST George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings. GEORGE Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it? WEST Well, if you have a lot of money. (Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds) WEST (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think you better take off that Orioles cap. ELAINE (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better! WEST No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't think it's a good idea. ELAINE You're not serious. WEST Yes, yes, yes, I am! ELAINE Well, did he say that? WEST No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap. ELAINE Well maybe you should ask him! WEST I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not? ELAINE No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!! GEORGE Just take the cap off. ELAINE George, we are at a baseball game! This is America! WEST Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave. ELAINE Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off. GEORGE Just take the cap off! ELAINE No! (a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking off GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security over, they proceed to remove Elaine) KRAMER Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here! GEORGE (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you? KRAMER (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George. ELAINE (sarcastically, to George) Stay! GEORGE Okay, we'll go! (meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's cap... the camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where Kramer IS the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto the crowd) END OF ACT 1 ============================================================================= ACT 2 (Jerry's apartment--day) ELAINE ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing! JERRY Is he okay? ELAINE Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day! JERRY This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane! ELAINE I know! Can you imagine that? (Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead) JERRY How you feeling? KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture. ELAINE Wha- a picture? KRAMER A picture. ELAINE OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE?? KRAMER Uh-huh. (they all crowd around, looking at the picture) ELAINE (gasps) I cannot believe this! JERRY (pointing) There's George! KRAMER Yup, yup! ELAINE Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper! Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.) ELAINE Hi, Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN How's your father? ELAINE My, my father? LIPPMAN Yeah. You, you went to see him, right? ELAINE Yeah. LIPPMAN Uh-huh. ELAINE I went to visit him. LIPPMAN Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him? ELAINE Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia... LIPPMAN But--but he's feeling better now? ELAINE Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits. LIPPMAN (correcting her) Boo-eed. ELAINE What--what did I say? LIPPMAN You said "boyed." ELAINE I did? LIPPMAN Yeah. (Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly removes Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver it into her lap, out of sight.) LIPPMAN Well, I got a plane to catch. ELAINE Oh! Where are you going? LIPPMAN Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have my sports section? ELAINE Ah. ...Yeah. LIPPMAN I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports section. ELAINE There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy... LIPPMAN Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine holds on tight.) What, what are you doing? ELAINE Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs) LIPPMAN Gotta go. ELAINE Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort! Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer.") MRS.ARM I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world. MR. ARM I see a parasite. MRS.ARM A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges. Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.) NINA She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off. JERRY It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that? Armstrongs admiring painting again.) MRS.ARM He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit! MR. ARM He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away. Jerry and Nina again.) JERRY Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other. NINA Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends! JERRY Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with! NINA Hey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to George. Tell him he owes me $500! Armstrongs) MRS.ARM He transcends time and space. MR. ARM He sickens me. MRS.ARM I love it. MR. ARM Me too. Jerry's apartment.) GEORGE Five-hundred dollars?! What? JERRY That's what she told me! GEORGE I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk! JERRY That's what it costs! GEORGE Why did you even take it? You broke up with her! JERRY I wasn't thinking! I don't know. GEORGE You weren't thinking. JERRY Well, she framed it and everything. GEORGE Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this? JERRY Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing! GEORGE I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story. KRAMER (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door. GEORGE Hey, Kramer. KRAMER Hi, Mike. JERRY (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina! KRAMER (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen! JERRY (reading note) Oh my god! GEORGE What? JERRY This is amazing, you can't believe this! GEORGE What's it say? JERRY Listen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will- ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity." GEORGE WOW! KRAMER (emotionally) She's deep. JERRY (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-" (Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting for you!" KRAMER You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet! JERRY No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her! KRAMER (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her! JERRY Should I? KRAMER (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you! JERRY ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her. Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her coat. The TV is on a horse race.) JERRY SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah? GEORGE (on intercom) It's George. JERRY Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse. NINA What's the appeal of the posse? JERRY The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback. (George enters) NINA Hello, George. GEORGE Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I? NINA Well, I really love that piece. GEORGE Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it. NINA No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it! GEORGE This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should really be in a doormanned building. NINA Honestly, George, the money's not important. GEORGE Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes) JERRY Yeah? ELAINE (on intercom) It's Elaine. JERRY Come on up. NINA Elaine? JERRY ...Yeah. NINA (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she? JERRY She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too. GEORGE I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE How 'bout Kramer. JERRY HUGE pop-in guy! NINA Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow? JERRY Yeah. NINA Okay. JERRY Okay! NINA Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.) ELAINE (to Nina) Hello! (Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine) ELAINE (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired! JERRY If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston! ELAINE No, he wants to torture me. later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV. Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.) ELAINE (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, insti- gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker) JERRY (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking. ELAINE You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that. (another tug-o-war starts) JERRY Let go! ELAINE No, come on! I want it, Jerry! JERRY Let go, Elaine! ELAINE Well at least let George do it! JERRY Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight) GEORGE (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads. (George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing Neil Simon's Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes the station) JERRY Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer) ELAINE It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon. JERRY (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter! ELAINE What letter? JERRY This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie! (Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, and starts reading in unison with movie on TV.) JERRY "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!" GEORGE This is incredible! JERRY I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She cop- ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist! GEORGE Maybe I won't send her that check. ELAINE You know, it's not really that terrible. JERRY What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness! Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room) LIPPMAN (into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat) But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right? ELAINE Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore. LIPPMAN Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right? ELAINE Well, uh, fan. My father-- LIPPMAN Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene! ELAINE Really? LIPPMAN Yeah. ELAINE So... impudent. LIPPMAN Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come. ELAINE (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-- LIPPMAN Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game. ELAINE (very reluctant) Okay. LIPPMAN Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him. ELAINE That will be fun. Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.) JERRY How's it coming? NINA Good, good. JERRY Seen any good movies lately? NINA No... not really. You? JERRY No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon? NINA Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff. JERRY I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that? NINA I don't know... maybe. JERRY I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...) MR. ARM Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer." Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball game and talking.) GEORGE Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs) JERRY Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight! GEORGE So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason? JERRY Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house? GEORGE Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks. (the Yankees announcer is heard on TV) TVVOICE Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yankee dugout. GEORGE Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day. TVVOICE Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..." (Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.) the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having Kramer over for dinner.) KRAMER ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way. MRS.ARM More potatoes? KRAMER Yeah, sure. Please. MR. ARM Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden? KRAMER Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one. THE END |
THE FINALE PART 2 | THE FINALE PART 2 Written by Larry David (The four are in prison, having a meal) KRAMER Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh? GEORGE Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup. ELAINE I guess we could've called for help. JERRY But then we would have missed the whole thing. KRAMER I still had it on video. We could have watched it later. GEORGE Yeah, he's right. JERRY I forgot about the video. ELAINE Sure - the video. (Jerry's beeper starts beeping) ELAINE What is that? JERRY Plane's ready. (Rivera Live news show) RIVERA Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane- WELLS Yes. Good evening, Geraldo. RIVERA What's the mood? What's going on tonight? WELLS Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town. RIVERA And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up? WELLS Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group." RIVERA Anything else, Jane? WELLS There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly. RIVERA Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married. (Jerry's parents are packing) HELEN I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks. MORTY What's all that? HELEN Cereal. MORTY You're packing cereal? HELEN I'm bringing it for Jerry. MORTY You got enough here for a life sentence. HELEN He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything. MORTY So bring a snack-pack. (George's parents are packing) ESTELLE Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault. FRANK Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that. ESTELLE Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours. FRANK You were the one who smothered him. ESTELLE I did not smother him. FRANK You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating! ESTELLE Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis. FRANK I had to make a living! (Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George Steinbrenner.) (The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.) KRAMER This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last. JERRY You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment. KRAMER I bet. JERRY It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. (Enter Jackie Chiles) CHILES Good morning. ELAINE Good morning, Jackie. JERRY Good morning. CHILES Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan? GEORGE It makes me look older. CHILES Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed. (Jerry laughs) CHILES Do you think it's funny? JERRY No. CHILES You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase. ELAINE How do I look, Jackie? CHILES Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady. ELAINE Thank you, Jackie. KRAMER How bout me, Jackie? CHILES Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that. (Jackie hands Jerry a tie) CHILES Here. JERRY This one? CHILES That's right. JERRY Do I have to? ELAINE Jackie says put it on, Jerry. (Court is starting) BAILIFF All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding. GEORGE Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay? CHILES Vanda who? GEORGE Jerry, did you hear that? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE I think that's a good sign. VANDELAY Is the District Attorney ready to proceed? HOYT We are, Your Honor. VANDELAY Mr. Hoyt. HOYT Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay. (Newman shown eating popcorn) VANDELAY Mr. Chiles. CHILES I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them. VANDELAY Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness? HOYT We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand. BAILIFF Call Matt Vogel. HOYT So they were just standing there? VOLEG Yes. HOYT Did one of them have a video camera? VOGEL Yes. HOYT Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A. VANDELAY Proceed. (The tape plays) VICTIM Don't shoot. JERRY Well, there goes the money for the lipo. ELAINE See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya! GEORGE He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. the victim of the robbery) HOYT So they just stood there and did nothing? VICTIM Yeah, nothing. Nothing! HOYT No further questions. (Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi) GEORGE Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed! HOYT Call Mabel Choate to the stand. BAILIFF Call Mabel Choate. CHILES Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential. HOYT Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years. VANDELAY Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness. HOYT Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th. CHOATE Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man. HOYT Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld. HOYT What did he want? CHOATE My marble rye. HOYT Your marble rye? CHOATE I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no. HOYT And then you left the bakery. CHOATE That's right. HOYT But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate? CHOATE Oh no. (Scene from past episode, "The Rye") JERRY Gimme that rye. CHOATE Stop it. JERRY I want that rye lady. CHOATE Help - someone help. JERRY Shut up, you old bag! (Back to the present) HOYT No further questions. HOYT I call Marla Penny to the stand. BAILIFF Call Marla Penny. JERRY The virgin! HOYT And what was your connection to the defendants? PENNY I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992. HOYT Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened. PENNY It's rather difficult to talk about. HOYT It's alright. Take your time. PENNY Well, I became aware of a - HOYT A what? PENNY A, uh - HOYT Yes? PENNY A contest. HOYT Contest? PENNY Yes. HOYT What was the nature of the contest? PENNY Oh please, I can't. HOYT It's okay. PENNY The four of them made a wager to see if they could - HOYT Yes? PENNY To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves. PETERMAN For the love of God! PENNY It was horrible, horrible! HOYT Call Donald Sanger to the stand. JERRY Who the hell is that? MR. SANGER Come on Donald, you're doing fine. GEORGE The Bubble Boy! CHILES Bubble Boy? JERRY That's right, the Bubble Boy. CHILES What's a Bubble Boy? JERRY He's a boy who lives in a bubble. BUBBLE BOY What the hell are all you looking at? HOYT So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992. BUBBLE BOY Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit. (Scene from past episode, "The Bubble Boy") GEORGE Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century? BUBBLE BOY That's a joke - the Moors. GEORGE Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops. BUBBLE BOY Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint. GEORGE Sorry, the card says Moops. BUBBLE BOY It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops. GEORGE It's Moops. BUBBLE BOY Moors! GEORGE Moops! GEORGE Help! Someone! BUBBLE BOY There's no Moops, you idiot. SUSAN Stop it! Let go of him! MRS. SANGER Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it. (Back to the court) GEORGE It was Moops. BUBBLE BOY Moors. the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot") HOYT So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed? LADY That's right. HOYT And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair? LADY That's right. (Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.) Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died) HOYT So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died? WILCOX Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it. HOYT So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was? WILCOX I would describe it as restrained jubilation. MR. ROSS Murderer! MRS. ROSS He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic! VANDELAY Order in this court! HOYT Call Sidra Holland to the stand. CHILES Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her? HOYT So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993? SIDRA Yes. HOYT And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club? SIDRA Yes, that's true. HOYT Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting. SIDRA We were in the sauna, making chit-chat. (Scene from past episode, "The Implant") SIDRA You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie. ELAINE Oh, hi, I'm Elaine. (Back in the courtroom) HOYT So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts? SIDRA Yes. HOYT Why would she do something like that? SIDRA Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real. Joe Bookman, library cop) HOYT State your name. BOOKMAN Bookman, Joe Bookman. HOYT And what's your occupation? BOOKMAN I'm a library cop. HOYT What does a library cop do? BOOKMAN We chase down library delinquents. HOYT Anyone in this room ever delinquent? BOOKMAN Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld. HOYT How long was his book overdue? BOOKMAN 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long. HOYT What do you call them? BOOKMAN Criminals. George's old girlfriend) HOYT So you and Mr. Costanza were dating. WOMAN Yes. HOYT And then what happened? WOMAN Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and - (Scene from past episode, "The Fire") GEORGE Fire! Get out of the way! (Back to the courtroom) parking lot security guard) GUARD At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall. (Scene from past episode, "The Parking Garage") JERRY Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. GUARD I don't know. JERRY Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why. (Back to the courtroom) HOYT Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom! CHILES Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990. VANDELAY Sit down, Mr. Chiles. Police Detective) HOYT Alright, Detective, then what happened? DETECTIVE We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot. (Scene from past episode, "The Wig Master") PRO You just cost me some money. KRAMER Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it. POLICE Police officers - freeze right there! (Back to the courtroom) HOYT So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp. the low-talker) HOYT So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show? (Mumble) HOYT Excuse me? CHILES Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on. George Steinbrenner) HOYT Call George Steinbrenner to the stand. BAILIFF Call George Steinbrenner. HOYT So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994? STEINBRENNER Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie? GEORGE Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir. STEINBRENNER He had one little problem though. HOYT What was that? STEINBRENNER He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak. FRANK How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?! VANDELEY Order! Man from "The Little Jerry") HOYT Cock fighting? WITNESS Cock fighting. Pharmacist from "The Sponge") PHARMACIST Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them. Elaine's old boyfriend) MAN She exposed her nipple. Mr. Pitt from "The Diplomat's Club") HOYT How did she try to kill you? PITT She tried to smother me with a pillow. HOYT Call Yev Kassem to the stand. BAILIFF Call Yev Kassem. JERRY Who? ELAINE The Soup Nazi! CHILES Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody. HOYT State your name. SOUP NAZI Yev Kassem. HOYT Could you spell that? SOUP NAZI No! Next question. HOYT How do you know the defendants? SOUP NAZI They used to come to my restaurant. (Scene from past episode, "The Soup Nazi") GEORGE Medium turkey chili. JERRY Medium crab bisque. GEORGE I didn't get any bread. JERRY Just forget it. Let it go. GEORGE Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI You want bread? GEORGE Yes, please. SOUP NAZI Three dollars! GEORGE What? SOUP NAZI No soup for you! (Back in the courtroom) SOUP NAZI But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back. (Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode) ELAINE Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery. SOUP NAZI That's my recipe for wild mushroom. ELAINE You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! (Back in the courtroom) SOUP NAZI She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business! ELAINE Soup's not all that good anyway. SOUP NAZI What did you say?! HOYT The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand. JERRY How did they find Babu? ELAINE I thought he was deported. HOYT You came a long way to be here today, haven't you? BABU Yes, all the way from Pakistan. HOYT And what's your connection to the defendant? BABU I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people. HOYT And then what happened? BABU Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad! (Rivera Live) RIVERA Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane - WELLS Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape. RIVERA That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery. WELLS Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months. RIVERA Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury? WELLS That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night. RIVERA And so we wait. (The group, waiting for the jury to decide) JERRY Do they make you wear uniforms in prison? ELAINE I think so. JERRY It's not that bright orange one is it? ELAINE I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange. KRAMER Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face? (George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay) ESTELLE Sorry to bother you, Judge. VANDELAY How did you get in here? ESTELLE Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy. VANDELAY This is highly irregular. ESTELLE Well, maybe there's something I can do for you. VANDELAY What do you mean? ESTELLE You know (Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun.) (Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed) SIDRA Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate. JACKIE We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days. (Phone rings) JACKIE Hello? Damn. They're ready. (Back in the courtroom) JERRY Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down? ELAINE I've always loved ... United Airlines. (Jury reenters the courtroom) KRAMER I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me. JERRY Maybe because she knows you're going to jail. BAILIFF All rise. VANDELAY Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? FOREMAN We have, Your Honor. VANDELAY Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference? FOREMAN We find the defendants - guilty. VANDELAY Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned. (Exit Judge Vandelay) GEORGE You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane. ELAINE Puddy, don't wait for me. PUDDY Alright. FRANK We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic. SIDRA Come on, Jackie. Let's go. JERRY What? CHILES Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular. (The group, walking back to the holding cell) JERRY Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back KRAMER Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle. ELAINE Why don't you just blow it out your... (They enter the cell) ELAINE If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones? JERRY Sure. ELAINE Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls. JERRY I think that would be a very nice gesture. KRAMER I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief. JERRY See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. GEORGE Really? JERRY Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land. GEORGE Haven't we had this conversation before? JERRY You think? GEORGE I think we have. JERRY Yeah, maybe we have. (Epilogue, on stage in the prison) JERRY So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D? PRISONER 1 I am. JERRY I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir? PRISONER 2 Murder one. JERRY Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for? PRISONER 3 Grand theft auto. JERRY Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes. PRISONER 3 You suck - I'm gonna cut you. JERRY Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand. GUARD Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on. JERRY Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria. THE END |
THE MAESTRO | THE MAESTRO Written by Larry David (Booth at Monk's Cafe) GEORGE And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine. ELAINE I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing. GEORGE Ya know, I was just a little surprised. JERRY Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that? GEORGE What about all the loser stuff? ELAINE I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said "I've never seen you looser". JERRY I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over. GEORGE (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always. JERRY Where you going? GEORGE I'm going shopping with Susan. ELAINE What kind of shopping? GEORGE Clothes shopping. ELAINE Where are you going? GEORGE Ross'. ELAINE Oh that's a nice store. GEORGE Yeah, it's her uncle's. JERRY Discount? GEORGE (As he leaves) One would hope. (Jackie Child's Office) (Kramer is sitting across from Jackie) KRAMER So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte. JACKIE (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee? KRAMER Yeah that's right. JACKIE Half milk, half coffee? KRAMER Yeah. JACKIE Hm Hm. You take a sip? KRAMER Yes I did. JACKIE Now when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion? KRAMER No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion. JACKIE Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips? KRAMER Well I think I take a normal sip. JACKIE O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened? KRAMER Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in. JACKIE Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee. KRAMER Yeah, now is that going to be a problem? JACKIE Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous. KRAMER It's definitely preposterous. JACKIE So. Then what happened? KRAMER Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me. JACKIE Was there a top on it? KRAMER Yeah. JACKIE Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you? KRAMER No. They put the top on. JACKIE And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? (Kramer motions that he did not make the top) JACKIE (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor? KRAMER Ah No no, I haven't. JACKIE (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me. KRAMER So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles. JACKIE Jackie. KRAMER Jackie. I mean, we have a chance? JACKIE Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man. (Ross' clothing store) (Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George) GEORGE I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy. SUSAN Well you could use a little flash. GEORGE All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now. SUSAN Name one. MR ROSS So, you find anything? SUSAN Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned. MR ROSS I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks. SUSAN O.K. SALESMAN Excuse me Mr Ross. (George notices the security guard standing near the front door) GEORGE See now this I don't get. SUSAN What? GEORGE The security guard. SUSAN What about him? GEORGE Why does he have to stand? SUSAN Because he's a security guard. GEORGE But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle. SUSAN George, you just met him. Don't say anything to him. GEORGE Aren't you concerned about the security guard? SUSAN Not really. (Walks away) GEORGE (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting. SUSAN All right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again) What do you think? (Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.) JERRY So ah, what did you do last night? ELAINE Nothing. JERRY I know nothing, but what did you actually do? ELAINE Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared. JERRY Wow. That really is nothing. ELAINE I told ya. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE Hey. JERRY What are you all dressed up for? KRAMER Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer. JERRY Oh yeah, how's that looking? KRAMER Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man. ELAINE That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer. KRAMER Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out. JERRY Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious. KRAMER Oh I can be quite litigious. ELAINE What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot. KRAMER Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty. ELAINE (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty. (Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door) KRAMER Hey Maestro! MAESTRO Ah, Kramer. KRAMER I'm in here. How's it going. MAESTRO Fine. JERRY Hi Bob. (Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his head) JERRY (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro. KRAMER Well, this is a surprise ha? MAESTRO I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns. It's supposed to be great stuff. It's all herbal. KRAMER Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you believe this Maestro? MAESTRO It's nothing. KRAMER Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while. MAESTRO Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany. KRAMER Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy. JERRY I hear it's ah beautiful there. MAESTRO Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's really nothing available. JERRY (Surprised) Huh? (Elaine enters from bathroom) MAESTRO (Seeing Elaine) Oh! ELAINE Hello. MAESTRO Well Hello. And who might you be? ELAINE I might be Elaine. JERRY This is a, Bob Cobb. KRAMER Maestro. ELAINE Oh, Maestro. MAESTRO It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand) ELAINE Enchante. MAESTRO AND ELAINE Well I have to be going. ELAINE Jinx buy me a coke. MAESTRO Oh. Love it when that happeneds. ELAINE I know I know. That is so ahh ...... MAESTRO Coincidental. ELAINE Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys. MAESTRO Ciao. (Elaine and Maestro leave) KRAMER Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah. (Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry) KRAMER You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings. JERRY Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro? KRAMER That's right. JERRY Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro. KRAMER Why? JERRY Because it's a stupid thing to be called. KRAMER Jerry he's a conductor. JERRY Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra. KRAMER Well, he's still a conductor. JERRY Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine. KRAMER Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'. (Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound) (Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other) JERRY New shirt? GEORGE Yeah. You like it. JERRY No, not particularly. GEORGE Why, the color? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Too flashy? JERRY Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right? GEORGE (Obviously lying) No. JERRY (Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here. GEORGE Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day? JERRY No. GEORGE See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering. JERRY Are you sensing anything right now? GEORGE Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair? JERRY Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert. GEORGE What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It! JERRY Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down. GEORGE Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him. JERRY I know you will. (Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry) KRAMER Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called. GEORGE Who? JERRY His lawyer. KRAMER Yeah, Java World wants to settle. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I'm gonna be rich. JERRY Why are they settling? KRAMER Cause their afraid of bad publicity. JERRY All this because you spilled coffee on yourself? KRAMER Yeah that's right. GEORGE (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling! (Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking) MAESTRO And then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany. ELAINE Uh ha. MAESTRO And I fell in love with this house. (Waiter approaches) WAITER Are you ready to order? ELAINE Oh God. What are you getting Bob? (Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face) MAESTRO Good question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes. (Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset) MAESTRO You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I preferred to be called Maestro. ELAINE Excuse me? MAESTRO Well, ya know I am a conductor. ELAINE Yeah, so? MAESTRO Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't. ELAINE Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny. MAESTRO I happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact. ELAINE Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing) (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange juice.) (Kramer enters frantically) KRAMER Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area). JERRY What do you mean? KRAMER Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it. JERRY So? KRAMER So? My lawsuit. I'm finished. JERRY I thought they wanted to settle. KRAMER Well what happens if they want to see it? JERRY Then you're in a lot of trouble. KRAMER Yeah!! (Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George enters.) GEORGE (To guard) Tired? GUARD No. GEORGE How come uh, no chair? GUARD What? GEORGE I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair. GUARD I don't need a chair. GEORGE No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair? GUARD Nope. GEORGE Would you like a chair? GUARD I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down. GEORGE Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you? GUARD Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking. GEORGE That's exactly my point. GUARD Well who wouldn't? GEORGE Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy. (Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer) JACKIE You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on. KRAMER I guess I screwed up huh Jackie? JACKIE Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm anyway? KRAMER The Maestro. JACKIE The who? What are you talking about Maestro? KRAMER My friend he's a conductor. JACKIE Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it? KRAMER Well my stomach was burning. JACKIE I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation. KRAMER Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work. JACKIE Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions? KRAMER Well I ... JACKIE (interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable. KRAMER I'm sorry Jackie. JACKIE (To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it. KRAMER (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over. (Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC) JERRY Did you have a good time? ELAINE Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'. JERRY (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus. ELAINE Really? JERRY So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro. ELAINE Yeah, I called him Maestro. JERRY You didn't mind? ELAINE Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it. JERRY O.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great". ELAINE I am not calling you "Jerry the Great". JERRY Why not you call him Maestro. ELAINE He is a Maestro. JERRY Well, I'm great. ELAINE So you say. JERRY What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that? ELAINE Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited. JERRY You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there. ELAINE Why? JERRY I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans. ELAINE Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there. JERRY In all of Tuscany? I wonder. (Office of a Java World building) MR STAR I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave it. MR BURNS How do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we have him examined by a doctor. MS. JORDAN Listen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This thing gets into the paper it will kill us. MR STAR All right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores. (Secretary beeps) MR STAR (Answering secretary) Yes? (Heard over the speaker) SECRETARY Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here. (To intercom) MR STAR Send them in. (Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in) MR STAR Gentleman. (Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office) MR STAR Gentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus.. KRAMER (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!! (Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab) JACKIE I'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it? KRAMER No. JACKIE I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't there. KRAMER Well I thought we were lucky to get anything. JACKIE Free coffee? KRAMER Yeah. JACKIE I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "Plus". KRAMER Well I didn't hear any Plus. JACKIE 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this. (Kramer spots a Java World) KRAMER Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte. (Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab) (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music approaching) ELAINE Hey. Hi Maestro. (Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins in to finish the song) MAESTRO Beethoven's 7th. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Hey you know we were just talking about you. MAESTRO Oh yeah? JERRY Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany? MAESTRO You didn't find one, did you? JERRY No. I'm not really looking. MAESTRO Nor should you. JERRY So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany? MAESTRO The houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard. JERRY I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing? MAESTRO It's booked solid! ELAINE It's BOOKED Jerry! JERRY How'd you get yours? MAESTRO Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi. (Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away) JERRY Maybe I'll check out France. (George walks towards Jerry) JERRY Hey George, do you believe this guy? GEORGE Who? JERRY Bob Cobb. GEORGE Bob Cobb? JERRY You know, the Maestro. GEORGE Oh I missed the Maestro? JERRY Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent. GEORGE Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany? JERRY No. GEORGE So what do you care? (George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself) (Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth) JERRY I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany. GEORGE Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is? JERRY I have no idea. GEORGE It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota. JERRY Oh, no way it's that big. GEORGE It's a big region. JERRY Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid? GEORGE I don't know why I bother even talking to you. JERRY Hey, no one's got a gun to your head. GEORGE All right. (George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce) GEORGE So I spoke to the security guard. JERRY Yeah and? GEORGE Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit. JERRY So are you gonna get him a chair? GEORGE Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool. JERRY Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without. GEORGE Oh I think I'd go for the back. JERRY Swivel? GEORGE I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those. JERRY I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect. GEORGE You mean one of those vinyl things? JERRY Yes. GEORGE Vinyl yeah, maybe. JERRY How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him. (Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the cafe) GEORGE Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside. (In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, Finicula) (On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking) JERRY Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy. GEORGE What do you think about a rocking chair? (Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at the door) KRAMER (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble. (Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George) JERRY Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter? KRAMER Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement. JERRY That's it? KRAMER That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure. JERRY You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein. KRAMER Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell. JERRY You're racing! KRAMER Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye. (Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first putting the contract into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking extremely fast) (Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing) ELAINE (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob! (Maestro is insulted and pulls away) ELAINE (Correcting herself) Maestro! (Maestro begins kissing Elaine again) (Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair) CLERK (Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can I help you? GEOGE Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard. CLERK Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this? (George motions for the clerk to approach him) GEORGE What's your name? CLERK Evan Fayne. GEORGE I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side. CLERK I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. GEORGE Innocent mistake. (George gives the chair to the security guard) GEORGE Well, here you go. What do you think? GUARD Mr. Ross says this is O.K.? GEORGE Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out. (Guard sits in the chair) GUARD Not bad. Not bad at all. (Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.) JERRY Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio. GIGGIO Si, Si, imma Giggio. JERRY Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio. GIGGIO Si, Si Poppy. JERRY Um, did he did he mention to you why I called? GIGGIO Si, the house in Tuscana. JERRY Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent? GIGGIO Si. Two million lira. You give me the check. JERRY I didn't actually want to rent it. GIGGIO The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso. (A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.) GIGGIO (To the man) Si, Si. (Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened) JERRY So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent. GIGGIO Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche? (Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun point. The camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man taking the money from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the left of the store, you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair) (At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are talking. There is a lady singing in Italian in the background) ELAINE It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away. MAESTRO I told you, it's paradise. ELAINE You're right Maestro. (The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver is yelling in Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other side of the room to see what is going on. We see the cab.) KRAMER Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out. (Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.) JERRY You didn't have to push me. KRAMER I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy? JERRY 75,000 lira. KRAMER 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind? JERRY Kramer you don't under the conversion rate. KRAMER Oh, conversion rate, oh. JERRY You know I don't even know why I brought you. KRAMER Nobody put a gun to your head. (They look up and see the place) JERRY Not bad! KRAMER Yeah! THE END |
THE FIRE | THE FIRE Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) JERRY To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.' Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee table book about coffee tables." TOBY These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine? ELAINE Yeah, really great. TOBY A coffee table book about coffee tables! (To Kramer) How did you come up with this idea? KRAMER It was there! TOBY Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' (laughs) ELAINE Actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so... KRAMER Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table? TOBY Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great! Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day. ELAINE 'And that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates) JERRY Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest." ELAINE Yeah, it's funny, I dunno. JERRY You don't know? Come on, that's gold! ELAINE Well, I don't know about "gold." JERRY Oh, that's gold, baby. ELAINE 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now? JERRY I was saying 'baby' way before George! ELAINE Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it puts too much pressure on me. JERRY Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night. ELAINE Yeah, who's he? JERRY He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly. I would like to have a good show. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Danke schoen, my little dumplings. ELAINE Hi. KRAMER Hey, how about that Toby, huh? ELAINE Yeah, how about her? KRAMER Ooh, she's a package full of energy! ELAINE Yeah, she's a package full of something. KRAMER And that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity! ELAINE Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down) KRAMER Hey, are you performing tomorrow night? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Great, I'm gonna bring Toby. JERRY Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there. KRAMER Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine? ELAINE Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great! JERRY Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin. KRAMER Is that the waitress from the comedy club? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE What about her kid, is she bringing him, too? KRAMER She's got a kid? JERRY Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid! George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is under the table. GEORGE Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets! ROBIN Do you think 25 kids is too much? GEORGE 25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. ROBIN So, what about entertainment? (to kid) Should I get Barney? KID No Barney! ROBIN Maybe a clown. GEORGE How about Bozo? KID Who's Bozo? GEORGE Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none. ROBIN George... GEORGE With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles... ROBIN George... GEORGE And the TV show! He had cartoons! ROBIN George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo. GEORGE You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party... FRANK Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles! ESTELLE Stop it, Frank! You're killing him! ROBIN Well, this time, you can blow out the candles. GEORGE Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.) Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters. TOBY Hi! ELAINE Hi, Toby. TOBY How are you doing today? ELAINE Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you? TOBY Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen? ELAINE Nope. TOBY He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president. ELAINE Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone? TOBY No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house. ELAINE Really! TOBY Maybe it'll be you! ELAINE Oh...well... TOBY You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion... ELAINE Well! Well, it could be you. TOBY No... ELAINE No, really. TOBY Really? You think so? ELAINE Sure. TOBY Boy, wouldn't that be exciting! ELAINE I mean, stranger things have happened... TOBY Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) I'd like that. ELAINE Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby. TOBY Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.) Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club. JERRY Hey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight? RONNIE Yeah. You? JERRY Yeah. RONNIE You know Leonard Christian's here? JERRY Yeah, I know. RONNIE Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger? JERRY I don't...think so. RONNIE Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger? JERRY I don't...I dunno. RONNIE Is it possible for nostrils to expand? JERRY Oh, is this a bit? RONNIE Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun. (Kramer and Toby enter.) KRAMER Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry. TOBY This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before! JERRY Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too. TOBY You are so funny! JERRY Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear. TOBY Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs) KRAMER What about me? TOBY What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh. JERRY Good, good. KRAMER So, you up next? JERRY Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats? TOBY Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' (laughs) KRAMER Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy? JERRY Yeah. TOBY Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show! JERRY O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.) TOBY Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited! Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience near the front. JERRY Men definitely hit the remote button more than women... TOBY Oh, really! Really! That is so true! JERRY Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. TOBY Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other audience members give her puzzled looks.) JERRY See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel... TOBY Oh, that is so true, yes! JERRY ...that's why men hunt and women nest. TOBY BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.) Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters. JERRY Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?! KRAMER Look, she didn't mean anything. JERRY Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?! KRAMER She's just being enthusiastic, that's all! (Toby enters.) JERRY Hey! What is wrong with you?! TOBY Me? Nothing's wrong with me. JERRY You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set! TOBY Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show. JERRY No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies! TOBY Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it? JERRY Oh, I can take it. TOBY Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.) RONNIE Hey, man. Good set. George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party. GEORGE Bozo? ERIC No. GEORGE B-O-Z-O? ERIC Sorry, I... GEORGE You've never heard of Bozo the Clown? ERIC No! GEORGE How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is? ERIC I don't know, I just don't. GEORGE How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is? ERIC Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown? GEORGE Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!? ERIC Well, what is he? GEORGE Yes, he's a clown! ERIC Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns! GEORGE Alright, just forget it. ERIC Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man! GEORGE Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh? ROBIN'S MOTHER Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man! GEORGE Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.) ROBIN Hi Mom, how's everything? ROBIN'S MOTHER Oh, this is just a wonderful party! ROBIN The burgers should be ready in a minute. GEORGE Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way! (The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.) Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on his face. GEORGE It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.) ERIC There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.) ROBIN'S MOTHER That's the coward that left us to die! Commercial break. Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party. GEORGE I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety. ROBIN But you yelled "get out of my way"! GEORGE Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards? ROBIN But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind! GEORGE Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions? FIREMAN How do you live with yourself? GEORGE Its not easy. George and Jerry at the coffee shop. GEORGE So she doesn't want to see me anymore. JERRY Did you knock her over too, or just the kids? GEORGE No, her too. And her mother. JERRY Really? Her mother. GEORGE Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know. JERRY You probably couldn't see because of the smoke. GEORGE Yeah. But it was somebody's arm. JERRY So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion. GEORGE To some degree. JERRY So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves. GEORGE In a manner of speaking. JERRY Well, it's honest. GEORGE Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals. JERRY Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently. GEORGE Perhaps. JERRY So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers? GEORGE Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe. JERRY By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine) GEORGE What's that? JERRY It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article. GEORGE Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling." JERRY I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer. GEORGE You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her. JERRY Yeah, right. GEORGE You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?' JERRY Yeah, that'd be something. GEORGE I'm not kidding, you should do it. JERRY But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that. GEORGE Well, go ahead! Do it! JERRY Why can't I? GEORGE No reason! JERRY You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works! GEORGE This is unprecedented! JERRY There's no precedent, baby! GEORGE What...are you using my babies now? Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door. JERRY Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!' TOBY You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy! JERRY Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting? TOBY Well, how would you like it if I called security? JERRY Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo! (Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.) KRAMER Wait a second, what's happenin' here? Toby! Toby! (Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming, "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown with a shocked expression on his face.) Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. KRAMER What did you go up there to heckle her for? JERRY Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.) KRAMER Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright. JERRY Well, I didn't want her to have an accident. GEORGE What accident? KRAMER Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe. GEORGE That's unbelievable! KRAMER Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital. GEORGE You ran? KRAMER No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it." GEORGE Holy cow! KRAMER Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold! GEORGE How could you do that?! KRAMER Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus. GEORGE You're Batman. KRAMER Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop. JERRY You kept makin' all the stops? KRAMER Well, people kept ringin' the bell! GEORGE Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe? KRAMER Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line. GEORGE You did all this...for a pinky toe? KRAMER Well, it's a valuable appendage. Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers. JOANNE So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it. ELAINE Really. JOANNE Poor kid. What an ordeal. MICHAEL And you know how extremely sensitive she is...she's gonna need our full support. ELAINE Yeah, right. MICHAEL Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something? TOBY Oh no, I'll be fine... (A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.) Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. JERRY She got the promotion? ELAINE Yep. JERRY Why? ELAINE I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings. JERRY Too bad. ELAINE Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for? JERRY Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.' ELAINE Why don't you just shut the f- KRAMER Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted! ELAINE Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember?? KRAMER Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible. ELAINE Oh, wonderful! KRAMER You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face. ELAINE Oh, of course! She's deranged. Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club. JERRY So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article. RONNIE I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them? JERRY Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough! RONNIE How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it. JERRY Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand. RONNIE Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me. JERRY Yeah, well, won't be long. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld! JERRY Gotta go. (heads out on stage) (George enters and sees Robin working.) GEORGE Robin? Robin! ROBIN George, what is it? I'm working. GEORGE Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed. ROBIN What are you talking about? GEORGE O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.) JERRY I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo... Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin. GEORGE ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance. ROBIN Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks away.) GEORGE Alright, but I'm serious about this. RONNIE Alright, hand it over man! Cut back to Jerry onstage. JERRY ...that's why men hunt and women nest. GEORGE He's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.) Cut back to George in the bar. ROBIN George! This is Ronnie Kaye! GEORGE The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut? RONNIE Nostrils. (Jerry comes backstage.) JERRY George - could I have a word? (Comedy club) JERRY I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.' THE END |
THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2 | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2 Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Outside Auto Shop) Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone. JERRY Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone) ELAINE So? What'd they say? JERRY They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow. ELAINE What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?! JERRY Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I? ELAINE What kind of maniac is this guy? JERRY He's a very special maniac. ELAINE What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman. JERRY I don't know. ELAINE Why couldn't you take better care of that car?! (Elaine's Office) Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters. PETERMAN Well, are they here? ELAINE Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag. PETERMAN Snag? ELAINE It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend's car. PETERMAN What does that have to do with my clubs? ELAINE They happened to be in the back seat at the time. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door. DETECTIVE What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident? JERRY You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before? DETECTIVE All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car? JERRY Had I been taking...? DETECTIVE Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that. JERRY W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it. The detective stares at Jerry. JERRY Not that I would think of doing such things. DETECTIVE (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well. JERRY Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks. George's Office) George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he has clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy. GEORGE (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project... WILHELM That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George. (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it. GEORGE I did? WILHELM Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work George. Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused. (Jerry's Apartment) By now, George is looking much more pleased. JERRY I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did. GEORGE Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. (Mr Wilhelm's Home) Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking to his wife, who's in another room. WILHELM The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't he dear? MRS WILHELM You planted the rose bushes, dear. WILHELM I did? MRS WILHELM Yesterday. You remember. WILHELM (thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner? MRS WILHELM We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine? Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect. (Jerry's Apartment) A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's fridge. GEORGE The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car? JERRY No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it. GEORGE Why not? JERRY They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys. The door opens and Elaine enters. ELAINE (to George) Hey. GEORGE Hey. ELAINE (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say? JERRY They're looking. GEORGE I gotta go. George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up. JERRY Y'hello. DETECTIVE Mr Seinfeld? JERRY Yeah. DETECTIVE It's Detective McMahon... Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police' DETECTIVE ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd better get down here. JERRY Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car. ELAINE (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him. JERRY Are there golf clubs in the back? DETECTIVE We really can't tell. You better bring your service records. (Pier 38 Warehouse) The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars and parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding gear, etc. Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under a white sheet. Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy. YOUNG COP Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease. Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here. DETECTIVE How d'you do. Thanks for coming down. JERRY (indicating) This is Elaine Benes. ELAINE (explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends. DETECTIVE I see. JERRY Yeah. DETECTIVE I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make sure. JERRY Well, what's going on? What is this thing? DETECTIVE One of our patrolmen stumbled over this. He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine. ELAINE (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth) JERRY Oh my God! The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim. DETECTIVE The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap. ELAINE Oh, my God. DETECTIVE And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is all burnt out. JERRY What is that smell? DETECTIVE Look at the clutch. They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see. ELAINE Uuh. The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous. YOUNG COP Excuse me. DETECTIVE Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of their way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe. ELAINE Uhh JERRY Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo. DETECTIVE Your car's not a turbo? JERRY No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo! ELAINE (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo. Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another woman arrives. WOMAN Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... (voice breaking) midnight blue? DETECTIVE (condolences) Yes ma'am. (Mail Truck) Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness. KRAMER/NEWMAN (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!... Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics. But the pair still look gleeful. (Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car) The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up. JERRY Hello. TONY Hey Jerry, it's Tony. JERRY Tony, where are you? The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night. TONY Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you. Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little. Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone. JERRY Tony, y-you better bring that car back! TONY (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that. JERRY Tony, it is my car, and I want it back! TONY Oh, your car. You want your car back! JERRY Tony. TONY Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood. Tony hangs up the phone. JERRY (exasperated) Where do I find these guys? (Mail Truck) Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight. NEWMAN How much gas we got? KRAMER Three quarters of a tank. Newman punches the numbers into a calculator. KRAMER That's better than we estimated. NEWMAN (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better. They give a smug little laugh. NEWMAN Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack. KRAMER Ah, no, that's not in the budget. NEWMAN Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment. KRAMER That's not a good investment, that's a loss. A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck. KRAMER Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate. He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans forward, straining to make out the plate. KRAMER Yeah, those are New York plates. NEWMAN Is that Jerry's number? KRAMER I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds. Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something. NEWMAN What're you doing? KRAMER I'm calling Jerry. NEWMAN On what? KRAMER Brought my phone. He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry. (Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck) JERRY (answering phone) Y'hello. KRAMER Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number? JERRY Why, what's up? KRAMER Yeah, well I think I spotted your car. JERRY Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728. KRAMER (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck. JERRY Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country. KRAMER Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail. JERRY Good work Kramer, this is incredible. KRAMER Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey! I'll check back with you. (Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment) The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it. ELAINE Elaine Benes. JERRY Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car! ELAINE Oh my god, where is it? JERRY It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em. ELAINE Are the clubs there? JERRY I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back. ELAINE Alright, I'm heading over right now. (Jerry's Apartment) Elaine enters at a rush. ELAINE What's the status? JERRY Last check-in, they were still on him. ELAINE Well, have they called the police yet? JERRY No, they won't call the police. ELAINE What? Why not? JERRY They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record. ELAINE Kramer has a record. JERRY Not a Federal record. The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine picks up in the kitchen. (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment) ELAINE/JERRY Kramer? JERRY What's going on? KRAMER Yeah, nothing. We're still following him. Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to move onto the off-ramp. KRAMER Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the one-thirty-five. ELAINE Keep following him. KRAMER Alright, alright, I'll follow him. NEWMAN Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan. KRAMER Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our way. ELAINE I need those clubs. JERRY Kramer, I want my car. KRAMER Well, I don't know what to do. NEWMAN Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas. JERRY Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down. NEWMAN Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our budget won't hold it. KRAMER Well, I don't know what to do man! NEWMAN Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left. ELAINE/JERRY Right. Go right!/South! KRAMER Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp. Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal and the truck sways. (Mail Truck) NEWMAN I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole venture. KRAMER This ramp is steep. NEWMAN All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought. KRAMER Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel. Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer gets out of the driving seat. NEWMAN What're you doing? KRAMER (climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get something. NEWMAN Are you crazy? The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat. KRAMER Keep your foot on the gas. Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans. NEWMAN Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you? Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck. NEWMAN Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our losses. Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck. KRAMER Look out below!! Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway. Kramer grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning. Steinbrenner's Office) Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on his desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass. STEINBRENNER (to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a scientist. There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters. GEORGE You wanted to see me, sir? STEINBRENNER Ah, come in George, come in. George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident. STEINBRENNER Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on. GEORGE (smiling) Yes sir. STEINBRENNER Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind? GEORGE (wondering where this is leading) No sir. STEINBRENNER What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe? GEORGE (worried now) No sir. STEINBRENNER Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry! GEORGE What're.. What're you talking about? STEINBRENNER George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here. Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the room behind George. STEINBRENNER Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan. George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach him and stand behind him, one on either shoulder. STEINBRENNER They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese. Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky. GEORGE Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine. Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office toward the door. STEINBRENNER Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write it. GEORGE I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did. As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his last stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually he is dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view. STEINBRENNER Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. Get better! (Mail Truck) The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed by the mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger seat. KRAMER (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're... He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought occurs. KRAMER ...sluggish. NEWMAN I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags. KRAMER Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there? NEWMAN (perks up) A pie stand? Where? KRAMER Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back. NEWMAN Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya. Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman sticks his head out the window to peer back down the road. NEWMAN Where? I..I..I don't see it. KRAMER Well open the door, you get a better look. Newman slides back the door and leans out. NEWMAN I don't see any pie... Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves him out of the truck. NEWMAN ...Aargh! As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door shut and drives away. NEWMAN Kramer!! KRAMER I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back. NEWMAN (after speeding truck) Kramer!! In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials. KRAMER (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy! (Country Roadside) Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries to thumb a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia to drivers. NEWMAN Federal employee. Federal employee. Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues his trudge, a sour look on his face. (Countryside) Newman struggles up a steep slope. Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from the vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face lights up. He stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling, before picking himself up and running up to the building. (Farm) Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As he reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the window, he sees a pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes to his face. He turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens. FARMER Hello stranger. NEWMAN (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists. FARMER Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, hearty meal, clean bed. NEWMAN Oh, thank you, sir. FARMER Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter. Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer. Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation. (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment) Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race along a quiet country road. KRAMER Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy. Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone handset. JERRY How's the gas situation? KRAMER (checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis. In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab. KRAMER He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something. Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself. KRAMER He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!! JERRY Duck, Kramer! Duck! Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away. KRAMER It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me! ELAINE Those are JFK's golf clubs! Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces off the windshield, leaving some cracks. KRAMER Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron! ELAINE Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs! JERRY No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away. KRAMER Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, he's taking out the woods! Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck. KRAMER (noise) The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club after club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck. KRAMER (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that! Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against the windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel runs over a club on the tarmac and the tyre bursts. JERRY (hearing the noises) What's happening! The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the road. KRAMER This truck is dying. We're losing him. The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The truck staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam and smoke erupts from under the hood. KRAMER I think we lost him. JERRY (disappointment) Dammit! ELAINE (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer? KRAMER (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em. Jerry hangs up. (Country) Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road. He kicks the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks a club off the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of the radiator grille. Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He comes upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over his shoulder, he continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as he goes. (Farm) Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen table. They are working their way through a generous meal. FARMER Enjoy that mutton? NEWMAN (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good. The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her fork, touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing with cutlery, but she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and tries to take a nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and he splutters. FARMER That cider too strong for you? NEWMAN No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy. The farmer's daughter licks her lips. FARMER Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to lend a hand. NEWMAN (reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that. FARMER Ahh, Susie here'll teach you. The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed. FARMER Just gotta pull on the teat a little. Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously. SUSIE (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around. NEWMAN You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest) The farmer looks at him oddly. NEWMAN (breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy? (Institution) George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free hand is holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are a couple of inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are Pop and Deena Lazzari, previously seen in 'The Gum'. GEORGE (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse! DEENA I'll be back same time next week, Pop. GEORGE (quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project. Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room. DEENA George? George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the phone. DEENA I see you're finally getting some help. GEORGE Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here. DEENA George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away) GEORGE Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no! As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and restrains him. GEORGE Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help! George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration as the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over. POP Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car? (Countryside) Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps up to the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings out and the farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be heard yelling angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up his trousers. NEWMAN (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah! KRAMER What you doing?! NEWMAN (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me! Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes the farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter, whose shirt is undone and hair is dishevelled. KRAMER (takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez! FARMER (taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter! As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer fires a shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the cover of the crop. Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel of the shotgun downward, spoiling his aim. SUSIE No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, goodbye. (Elaine's Office) Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters at a rush. PETERMAN (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they? ELAINE (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman. PETERMAN Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate. Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs are, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a poor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief at the twisted metal. ELAINE The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there. PETERMAN Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper. ELAINE (spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously) PETERMAN See you on Monday. Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door. ELAINE Have a good game. THE END |
THE ROBBERY | THE ROBBERY Written by Matt Goldman (Comedy club) JERRY So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. (shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it ? (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting at the table watching Jerry) JERRY Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with exaggerated motions) That's it. Done! ELAINE (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. JERRY (proudly) I am...the master packer. ELAINE (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer. JERRY What you must understand, Elaine, (picks up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into BATTLE you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses (hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks. ELAINE 'Scuse me...master packer! JERRY ...Yes. ELAINE Just gimme your keys. JERRY Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George? GEORGE (outside over the intercom) Yeah ELAINE (Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now, is there anything else I need to know 'bout this place? JERRY uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you...come back and take a shower. ELAINE OK, this is quite a place. JERRY There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens it) Deduct a minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator) that clear? ELAINE I'll eat out. JERRY One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a BIG FAVOUR do it in the tub. GEORGE (walks in) Ready? JERRY Yeah, one sec. GEORGE (closes the door) Hey, Elaine ELAINE Hi. GEORGE Coming to the airport with us? ELAINE No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate. GEORGE Oh, the actress-waitress. ELAINE No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it right in her... GEORGE You just kick her out. ELAINE She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an other place for me. GEORGE Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck. JERRY I'm not looking. GEORGE No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty! JERRY Yeah, what's it like? GEORGE I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park? JERRY How much? GEORGE Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great building, it's two bedrooms! JERRY Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that. ELAINE You oughtta least take a look at it. JERRY Really? Why? ELAINE 'Cause then I could move in here. JERRY Ooohhhh ELAINE It's time you got out a here anyway. GEORGE Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here. ELAINE Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you can't have soft cheese... GEORGE Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on here for ten years; no human can turn this off. ELAINE Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this. JERRY Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here. ELAINE Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Island to Finland. GEORGE Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the place or not? JERRY I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend. (Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his bags.) JERRY Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV) JERRY (notices the TV is missing) ELAINE! ELAINE (from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the living-room) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows? JERRY Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR. (Elaine looks guilty) What? ELAINE They were stolen. JERRY Stolen? When? ELAINE A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right over. JERRY Stolen? ELAINE (Kramer enters the apartment) Someone left the door open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the bathroom) JERRY (to Kramer) You left the door open?! KRAMER Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back! JERRY Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? KRAMER (bobs his head guiltily) The door. JERRY The door? You left the door open? KRAMER Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back. JERRY Yeah, and? KRAMER Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...(with a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful JERRY So the door was wide open? KRAMER Wide open! JERRY (Elaine enters the living-room) And where were you? ELAINE I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to heat up. KRAMER Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy? JERRY No. KRAMER (looks shocked) How can you not have insurance? JERRY Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only ONE DESIGN FLAW the door...(shuts the door) must be CLOSED. KRAMER Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case! JERRY Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident. KRAMER (theatrical) I made a mistake. ELAINE (idem) These things happen KRAMER (idem) I'm human JERRY In your way. (Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a report. Jerry and Elaine are there.) POLICEMAN Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it? ELAINE Answering machine. JERRY (disappointed) Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls. POLICEMAN What do ya mean? JERRY It's a joke. POLICEMAN I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything. JERRY You ever find anything? POLICEMAN No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report) JERRY Well, thanks anyway. POLICEMAN You bet. ELAINE (Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters) I didn't get that joke either. JERRY The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. HE'S THE CROOK why would he answer...(turns around and sees George standing behind him) How did you get in here? GEORGE (makes some weird motions) I walked in, your lobby door is broken again. JERRY Again. GEORGE I don't know how you put up with this. ELAINE Yeah, tell'm George. JERRY (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here? ELAINE Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent. JERRY (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available. (George shows him the keys) (Comedy club.) JERRY I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will SAY "Call the police. You really should call the police." So "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police GIVE YOU your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN! (The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry are entering the apartment.) ELAINE (looks around) Oh, well, come on...this is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer look at the fireplace) GEORGE I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this is incredible. JERRY How do you get all that wood in here? ELAINE They deliver it. JERRY They deliver wood? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"? GEORGE (looking intensively at the form with the apartment description) I didn't know there was a fireplace? ELAINE Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden. GEORGE A garden! I can't believe there's a garden! JERRY Would I have to get a gardener? ELAINE Yeah, you can get a gardener. JERRY You tip him? ELAINE You can. GEORGE (to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener! ELAINE You can tip a gardener. GEORGE You don't need a gardener. ELAINE Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points to garden). JERRY They deliver the coal? ELAINE Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood. JERRY Oh, than I gotta tip him. ELAINE Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light! JERRY I don't have any plants. GEORGE I have plants. ELAINE Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?! JERRY (closes the closet with Elaine still in it)...I like that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look) What do ya think, George? GEORGE It's your decision. JERRY (walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing) I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'. ELAINE (laughing with joy) Your movin'? That means I'm movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that incredible! GEORGE Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled by the fact) (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.) ELAINE What about the couch? JERRY You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. ELAINE What? JERRY You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see it, go, get it out. ELAINE A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this couch? JERRY Yeah! ELAINE For this couch?! JERRY (shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what is it worth? ELAINE OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20 dollars? JERRY (has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom) Yeah? GEORGE (outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's George. JERRY Come on up. (opens the door; walks back to the couch) Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... (picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions right now... ELAINE OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars. JERRY You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch) ELAINE $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right? JERRY $50 dollars? ELAINE Uh-huh. JERRY Thank you very much. ELAINE Thank you very much. GEORGE (walks in and closes the door) Hey, what's goin' on? ELAINE I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars. JERRY (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. GEORGE Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said very quickly), listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at ALL, AT ALL do not feel like you have to take it. JERRY Why? GEORGE If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face) JERRY You could take it? You want it? GEORGE No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it. JERRY So you do want it. GEORGE No I, I want it if you don't want it! JERRY You just said, you wanted it! GEORGE No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it. JERRY (picks up the lease and hands it to George) So take it. GEORGE (refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks worried) How can I take it?! JERRY How can I take it? GEORGE It's your apartment! JERRY How can I want it now, if you want it? ELAINE Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place? GEORGE Yes, but I am not taking it. JERRY I...am not taking it. (drops the lease demonstratively) ELAINE Well, one of you better damn well take it! JERRY Well, whatta you wanna do here? GEORGE I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that he doesn't know) JERRY Do you wanna flip a coin? GEORGE ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call. JERRY OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket) This is the official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that's it, agreed? GEORGE I'm good. ELAINE I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has carpeting. JERRY All right, now you call it in the air. GEORGE No catchin'. JERRY No no. GEORGE Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads! (the coin hits the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at the coin) JERRY Tails! GEORGE No, it hit the table, it hit the table. JERRY So what? GEORGE INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. COME ON, ARE YOU CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it. JERRY You didn't call no interference! GEORGE YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S A RULE!! JERRY I don't believe this. GEORGE Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it! JERRY I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya think? ELAINE I'd better not... JERRY ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you gotta win three. GEORGE OK (they walk around each other)...OK. I'll choose you...whatta ya want? JERRY Odds GEORGE I want evens. JERRY Good. GEORGE You got odds. JERRY You got evens. GEORGE Right, ready. JERRY For the apartment. (they take their "choose positions") BOTH Once, twice, three, shoot! JERRY Mine! BOTH Once, twice, three, shoot! JERRY Mine! (George walks to the table to take a break) BOTH (they take their positions again) Once, twice, three, shoot! GEORGE Mine! BOTH Once, twice, three, shoot! GEORGE (Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch) Congratulations...congratulations. JERRY Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom) GEORGE (screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? KRAMER (enters the apartment "Kramer-style") Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman, who lives down the hall? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER The last couple a days he's been acting very strange; I think he's avoiding me. JERRY Hard to imagine. (ironically) KRAMER Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting stuff." JERRY Right. KRAMER Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me in to his confidence. ELAINE So what did he say? KRAMER "What stuff?". JERRY Ooh, case closed! (ironically) KRAMER No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police. JERRY OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW! KRAMER Yeah! (said in his own typical way and he runs off) (Comedy club) JERRY One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them SAY "I got the front seat" (other kid's voice) "I wanted the front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law" IT HOLDS UP (lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client did ask it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG! (imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled". (Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a table, George is returning from the bathroom) GEORGE (walks towards the table) I love the mirror in that in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner. JERRY (bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both look at their menus) So, what are ya gettin'? GEORGE I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything FRENCH FRIES out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents: three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know. JERRY Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the place! GEORGE What?! JERRY How can I live there? GEORGE Why not?! JERRY Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never feel comfortable. GEORGE Oh, get out a here. JERRY How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. GEORGE Mope? JERRY You're already moping!...Would you take the place? GEORGE No, impossible! It's your apartment. JERRY You found the place. GEORGE You won the choose. JERRY All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving. GEORGE Well, me neither. JERRY Definitely? GEORGE Definitely. JERRY Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any problem. GEORGE No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon. (a waitress approaches) WAITRESS What apartment? GEORGE Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west 83rd 'bout half block from the park. WAITRESS What's the rent? (The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it; Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a couch, all three moping) GEORGE I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is ridiculous. JERRY She wanted to thank us for the apartment. (very irritated) ELAINE I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. (I can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg) JERRY If only the coin hadn't hit the table. GEORGE The table is interference, you know it! JERRY It is not! GEORGE It is too! ELAINE My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel. (irritated) WAITRESS Hi. GEORGE Hi, Carol. CAROL I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment. LARRY Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place. CAROL It's a dream. LARRY I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. GEORGE We're really glad for ya. (very sadly) ELAINE Couldn't be happier. (idem) JERRY It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down again) CAROL Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons a women; she comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. (Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse! DIANE How, how could you guys have turned this place down, it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park. GEORGE We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes. DIANE Well, it was nice to meet you. (she walks away) GEORGE Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand; they sit down again; Carol walks away) JERRY How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are standing behind the couch talking) RIGHT MAN I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get THIS they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month. LEFT MAN Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment? RIGHT GUY Well, what can I do? Give it up. THE END |
THE CAFE | THE CAFE Written by Tom Leopold (Comedy club) There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.' (George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.) GEORGE She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice. JERRY This is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy. GEORGE Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad? JERRY What's that smell? What are you wearing? GEORGE Little cologne. JERRY Manly. GEORGE Monica wants me to wear it. JERRY So why didn't you say no? GEORGE I'm too nice. JERRY Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send back money. This is horrible. GEORGE She wants me to take an IQ test. JERRY That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne. GEORGE No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig. JERRY I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody. GEORGE You know, I can't talk to you anymore. JERRY All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test. GEORGE Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart. JERRY Who thinks you're smart? GEORGE I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing. JERRY What thing? GEORGE You don't listen when people talk to you anymore! JERRY Oh, the IQ thing...yeah. GEORGE I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years. JERRY What did you get? GEORGE What did I get or what do I say I got? JERRY What do you say? GEORGE I say fourteen o nine (1409). JERRY 1409, that's a good score. GEORGE You're telling me. JERRY What did you really get? GEORGE You are my friend. JERRY Of course. GEORGE I tell you everything, right? JERRY I hope so. GEORGE Well, this I take to the grave. (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.) JERRY He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in. ELAINE Why do you keep watching? JERRY I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile. ELAINE And then you flush. JERRY Well, it's a spider. ELAINE You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. (Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.) ELAINE You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying. JERRY Bazooka Joe. (Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.) JERRY The buzzer. ELAINE It's your house. JERRY My house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? INTERCOM It's George. JERRY Come on up. ELAINE Casus belli. JERRY What's that? ELAINE It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud. JERRY Go in, go in! ELAINE Have you gone in there? JERRY No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him. (George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.) GEORGE Hi. JERRY You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor. (Elaine sniffs around.) GEORGE I'm wearing some cologne, all right? ELAINE Sure, fine. JERRY Casus belli. ELAINE Casus belli. GEORGE What's that? ELAINE Since when do you wear cologne? GEORGE Why what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live. JERRY Hey, how did you do on that IQ test? GEORGE I didn't take it yet. ELAINE What IQ test? GEORGE What's casus belli. JERRY Oh, it's nothing... GEORGE Is it about me? JERRY Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live? ELAINE It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test? JERRY This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course. ELAINE Oh, that sounds like fun. GEORGE Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing. ELAINE You'll do well, you're smart. JERRY No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not. ELAINE What did you get on your SAT's? GEORGE It varies. JERRY You know, I don't even know my IQ. ELAINE Mine's 145. GEORGE 145! JERRY Get out of here! ELAINE You get out of here! JERRY You get out of here! GEORGE You should take the test for me. JERRY Well, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. GEORGE Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we do that again? ELAINE What? GEORGE You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor. ELAINE Are you serious? GEORGE Why not? ELAINE Where would I take the test? GEORGE I don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here or go to the coffee shop. ELAINE No, that would be too noisy. JERRY Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep. ELAINE Hey, what do you think? JERRY Hey, I love a good caper. ELAINE Yeah, that's what is is, a caper. GEORGE You'll do it? ELAINE What the hey. GEORGE Yeaah, beautiful...(They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry... (Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.) BABU BHATT Welcome to the Dream Cafe. JERRY Well, I've been looking forward to it. BABU Oh, how did you hear about us? JERRY Eh, people, people are talking. BABU Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both. JERRY Non smoking would be great. BABU Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure. JERRY Thank you. (Throws the towel around like a hot potato.) BABU Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans. JERRY Well, what do you recommend my good fellow? BABU Oh, the turkey. JERRY Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many years. BABU You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind... JERRY THINKS Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a nobel price? (George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.) GEORGE You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here. MONICA But why? GEORGE I can't concentrate in front of you. MONICA Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything. GEORGE Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence. MONICA Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it. GEORGE Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please. MONICA Good luck. GEORGE Don't need it. (Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.) ELAINE What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 minutes. GEORGE I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this. ELAINE All right, what time do you want me back here. GEORGE Eh, twenty to three. ELAINE Ok. GEORGE Thanks again. ELAINE All right. GEORGE And don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. (Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.) JERRY Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say. BABU It is in deed my pleasure. JERRY Oh, please... (Elaine comes in.) BABU Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today... ELAINE Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast. BABU Tea and toast. JERRY Eat something! Babu... ELAINE Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni. BABU Oh, very good choice. Very good. (Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.) JERRY Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating. ELAINE I know. (Kramer comes in.) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine... ELAINE Hey. KRAMER This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back. JERRY So? KRAMER Well, I'm not giving it back. JERRY Why not? KRAMER Because I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him? (Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.) KRAMER Oh, gees... ELAINE Yeah, ok...(takes the test and goes to another table.) KRAMER Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that? JERRY Statute. KRAMER What? JERRY Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. KRAMER No, statue. JERRY Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations. KRAMER Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations? ELAINE Statute. KRAMER Oh, I really think you're wrong. ELAINE Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long of time. KRAMER What test? ELAINE An IQ test. KRAMER Why do you take an IQ test? ELAINE It's for George. KRAMER George? ELAINE Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you later? KRAMER Why are you taking an IQ test for George? ELAINE Would you please?! KRAMER What, is it for a job or something? ELAINE Later! KRAMER You're positive it's statute? ELAINE Yes, yes! BABU Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...(gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.) (Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.) MONICA George? GEORGE Yeah? MONICA The door is locked. GEORGE Oh, it's locked? MONICA I need to get something. GEORGE Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. MONICA George! GEORGE Wish I could. (Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.) BABU Ladadeeda, laadadeeda.... ELAINE Babu! If you don't mind? (Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.) ELAINE Oh my God! It's all over the test! BABU Oh, I'm terribly sorry. ELAINE Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway. BABU Please, forgive me, please... JERRY Go ahead, I'll take care of it. BABU I'm very sorry. Tell your friends! JERRY It's all right, she was cheating anyway. BABU You're a very kind man. JERRY Babu, you're Pakistani? BABU Yes, Pakistani, yes. JERRY Babu, may I say something? BABU Of course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen. JERRY I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans for example. BABU But there are no Pakistani people here. JERRY Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood. BABU Yes, you see everything, don't you? JERRY Well, not everything. I do what I can. BABU I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, very special. (Babu leaves) JERRY THINKING I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be? (Elaine is giving the test back to George.) ELAINE It was an accident. GEORGE What did you go on a picnic? ELAINE Babu Bhatt did it. GEORGE Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this? MONICA Time's up George. GEORGE Ok. (George opens the door.) Here you go. MONICA How did you do? GEORGE Piece of cake. MONICA What happened to the test? GEORGE What? I spilled some food on it. MONICA Food? What food? GEORGE What are you talking about? MONICA Where did you get food? GEORGE From my pocket. MONICA What? GEORGE I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket. MONICA And coffee? GEORGE Yeah, had some coffee, yeah. MONICA Where did you get the coffee? GEORGE Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store. MONICA How did you get there? GEORGE I walked. MONICA How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave. GEORGE I climbed out the window. MONICA You climbed out the window? GEORGE Of course. MONICA Why didn't you go out the door? GEORGE The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here. MONICA You are a fascinating man, George Costanza. Closed for renovation.) JERRY Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me. ELAINE You're very special. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am. JERRY Of course, I always do. KRAMER No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket. ELAINE Just give it back to him. KRAMER Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.) (Jerry sees George from the window.) JERRY Hey Georgie! GEORGE Coming up. JERRY How did you do on the IQ test?! GEORGE 85! JERRY What?!! GEORGE 85, Jerry! 85 IQ ! (Jerry laughs.) ELAINE 85? JERRY Well, well, well... ELAINE He's coming up? JERRY Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds. ELAINE Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous. JERRY Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles... (George comes in looking angry.) GEORGE Oh, hello professor. ELAINE George, I cannot believe... GEORGE Please... ELAINE No there has got be a mistake. GEORGE You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. JERRY But an 85? ELAINE There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate. JERRY MOCKING It was a madhouse. ELAINE Jerry! It was! Let me take it again. GEORGE Whow, forget it. ELAINE Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose? GEORGE You could do worst! ELAINE No, no, I guarantee it. GEORGE All right, I'll ask her. ELAINE Ok, now where I'm going to take it. JERRY Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions. (Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.) JERRY Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week. BABU You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money. JERRY I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm. BABU You wish to eat? JERRY Let me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works. BABU Very good. JERRY THINKING Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great. (Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.) (Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.) (Jerry's monologue.) You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the circle ok? (Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.) (Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.) ELAINE What are you doing? KRAMER Quiet. Shh, don't say anything. ELAINE What's going on? MAN BEHIND THE DOOR Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer! ELAINE Why did you come in here for? KRAMER I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live. ELAINE Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here. KRAMER I thought you took the test. ELAINE I had to take it again. KRAMER How come? ELAINE What's the difference?!! KRAMER Well, you can't leave now. ELAINE What? MAN BEHIND THE DOOR Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back! KRAMER Never! (Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.) MONICA George, open up. (George opens the door.) MONICA Well? (George shakes her hand.) GEORGE How' you doing? MONICA Where's the test? GEORGE You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee... (Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.) JERRY Babu? Babu...(waves Babu to come to table) Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken? BABU The shrimp is stringy? JERRY Well, maybe your refrigerator... BABU Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people! JERRY You know, I think I'll just take the check. BABU You bad man! You very very bad man! (leaves) JERRY THINKING Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong? (Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open.) MONICA Are you looking for George? ELAINE Well eh, kind of.... MONICA George left. ELAINE Oh. MONICA Is that the test? ELAINE Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go. MONICA Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time. ELAINE Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...(Monica closes the window)...entreat. (At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.) (George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.) JERRY You know what it was, bad location. GEORGE Lets not stand here, we might run in to her. JERRY Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket? KRAMER Yeah... JERRY Oh, I'm sorry. KRAMER I'm going upstairs. (Elaine comes.) ELAINE Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151. JERRY 151? GEORGE That's a good score. JERRY So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? GEORGE Italian. ELAINE No, Chinese. JERRY You know, what would be great? (George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.) (Comedy club) It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?" THE END |
THE SPONGE | THE SPONGE Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) JERRY I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that's why they need the glasses? It's just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don't think, 'Oh, they must have been listening real good...yeah, to a lot of important stuff...' No, they are deaf. They can't hear. (Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from the counter with a clipboard in his hand) KRAMER Hey, boys and girls. I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS walk. ELAINE Is that tomorrow? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures to Elaine to sign the form.) ELAINE Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS. KRAMER Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't be able to live with myself. JERRY It's hard enough living next door. KRAMER I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon and they think they're doin' something? Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets up) I'll be right back. (Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.) ELAINE New jeans? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Still a 31 waist? JERRY Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on this list. ELAINE Lena Small? JERRY Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and now here's her number. ELAINE Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list! JERRY Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring to date a giving person. ELAINE You're a taking person. JERRY That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam. ELAINE She's gonna ask how you got her number. JERRY Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me. ELAINE What's he look like? JERRY I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying a speedboat. ELAINE You're buying a speedboat? JERRY See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free. ELAINE I don't know about that. JERRY So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him? ELAINE Well... JERRY Yeah. So you really like this guy. ELAINE Very much. JERRY How's the...sexual chemistry? ELAINE Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am birth control shopping today. (Kramer overhears as he returns to the booth.) KRAMER Are you still on the pill? ELAINE Uh, Kramer... KRAMER I'll tell ya, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum. ELAINE The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge. KRAMER But wasn't that taken off the market? ELAINE Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no way. Everybody loves the sponge. KRAMER I read it in Wall Street Week...Louis, uh, Rukeyser. (Elaine laughs.) (Jerry on the phone in his apartment) JERRY Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name. Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention, I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat... George and Susan in George's car. SUSAN You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's really thin. GEORGE Not as thin as you think. SUSAN Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the back. GEORGE The tag, huh? SUSAN Mmm-hmm. GEORGE Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just leave it at that. SUSAN What are you talking about? GEORGE He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 31. SUSAN Oh, how could he be so vain? GEORGE Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know. I can't believe I just told you that. SUSAN Why not? GEORGE Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know. SUSAN Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance. Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything. GEORGE Where did you get that from? SUSAN Well, we're a couple. It's understood. GEORGE I never heard of that. SUSAN Well, you've never been a couple. GEORGE I've coupled! I've coupled! SUSAN Keeping secrets! This is just like your secret bank code. GEORGE This is totally different! That was my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's attorney-client priveleges here! If I play it by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the loop! George arrives at Jerry's apartment. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. What's the matter? GEORGE I had a fight with Susan. JERRY What about? GEORGE Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today? JERRY I got a date with that girl, Lena. GEORGE Lena, how'd you meet her? JERRY I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.) GEORGE You met her a few weeks ago, but...? JERRY I didn't call her till today. GEORGE So, uh...wanna double? JERRY What? GEORGE Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic. JERRY I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey. ELAINE Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off the market. JERRY So what are you gonna do? ELAINE I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna do a hard-target search. Of every drug store, general store, health store and grocery store in a 25-block radius. GEORGE Just for these sponges? ELAINE Hey man, women are really loyal to their birth control methods. What does Susan use? GEORGE I dunno. ELAINE You don't know? GEORGE I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer enters.) JERRY What are you all out of breath from? KRAMER The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights. JERRY And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it, you're in horrible shape. KRAMER Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you! JERRY I got a 31 waist, mister! KRAMER Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, what are you doing? JERRY What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers. a musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search" - visiting stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy. PHARMACIST Can I help you? ELAINE Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but... PHARMACIST Actually, we have a case left. ELAINE A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case? PHARMACIST Sixty. ELAINE Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three. PHARMACIST Three. ELAINE Make it ten. PHARMACIST Ten? ELAINE Twenty sponges should be plenty. PHARMACIST Did you say twenty? ELAINE Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine. PHARMACIST Right. So, you're set with twenty-five. ELAINE Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way. Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and Susan. JERRY Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my shirt. LENA Mmm! Very nice. JERRY It's All-Tempa-Cheer. LENA I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and doesn't pollute the oceans. GEORGE Yeah, the oceans really are getting very sudsy. LENA Can you wrap up all the left-overs on the table, please? I always take the left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.m. JERRY They serve soup at 6 a.m.? LENA Yeah. That's all they have. JERRY Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?" GEORGE I'd get tired of it. JERRY How could you not? LENA Guess who volunteered last week? GEORGE Mick Jagger. LENA No. Maya Angelou. SUSAN Oh, the poet! JERRY So, let me ask you something - these people eat soup three times a day? LENA I don't know. SUSAN So, did you get to talk to her? LENA Talk to who? JERRY Is it a lot of cream soups? SUSAN Maya Angelou, the poet. LENA No, I didn't get the chance. GEORGE Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted number for? (Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.) SUSAN I'm going to the ladies room. LENA I'll go with you. (They leave.) GEORGE What are you looking at me like that for? JERRY Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'? GEORGE What are you talking about? JERRY Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan. (George's interest is peaked.) George and Susan in the car on the way home. SUSAN Jerry got her phone number off of an AIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful! GEORGE I know, but don't say anything to anyone. He told me not to tell you. SUSAN But you told me anyway? GEORGE Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by the rule. SUSAN Thank you, honey. GEORGE So, you wanna go home and...make up, officially? SUSAN Can we stop by a drug store first? GEORGE What for? SUSAN I'm out of birth control stuff. GEORGE Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park here...? (Pulls over.) SUSAN Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the car, you can run in. GEORGE Me run in? Why don't you run in? SUSAN You don't know what I use for birth control, do you? GEORGE Of course I do. SUSAN You do? What? GEORGE You know. You use the, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.) SUSAN The what? GEORGE You know, the uh...(mutters it again.) SUSAN Just get me some sponges, please. GEORGE Wait, wait a minute...they don't have them anymore. I just found out, they just took them off the market. SUSAN Off the market? The sponge? GEORGE Yeah, so you gotta use something else. SUSAN I can't! I love the sponge! I need the sponge! GEORGE O.k....(thinks) I think I know where we can get one. Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer answers. JERRY Kramer, what the hell is going on in there? KRAMER It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) And I'm kickin' some serious butt! JERRY Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow! KRAMER Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'? Do they look scared?! JERRY You're never gonna make it! (Kramer giggles and returns to the game.) Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately on the sofa. BILLY You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom? ELAINE O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up and heads to the bathroom. George knocks at the door.) GEORGE Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.' (To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those sponges? ELAINE Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. Why? GEORGE Well...Susan. ELAINE Ah, Susan uses the sponge. GEORGE Susan loves the sponge. ELAINE Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out. GEORGE What? ELAINE I can't do it. No way, there's no how. (Tries to push George out the door. George resists.) GEORGE Elaine...let me just explain something to you. See, this is not just a weekend routine...I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know about make-up sex? ELAINE Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George into the hallway and closes the door. George blocks the door with his foot.) GEORGE Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is all that I have left. ELAINE I'm sure you'll have another fight, George. (Stamps on George's foot and closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that thought! (Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and reconsiders.) Susan talking on the phone with Monica. SUSAN So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone - Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number off an AIDS walk list. (Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.) MONICA He got her number off an AIDS walk list? (Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.) LENA He what? Commercial break. Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment. JERRY How'd you find out? LENA A friend of a friend of a friend of Susan's. JERRY George! LENA Pardon? JERRY Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just - LENA It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind. JERRY You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list? LENA No, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks at Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are filing out of Kramer's apartment.) KRAMER Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants on! JERRY You went all night? KRAMER Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh? JERRY Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! You're never gonna make it! KRAMER AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George enters.) Hey! JERRY So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number. GEORGE Really? How'd she do that? JERRY A friend of a friend of Susan's. GEORGE My Susan? JERRY Why'd you tell her?! GEORGE Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything! JERRY Well you know what this means, don't you? GEORGE What? //tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 ) JERRY You're cut off, you're out of the loop! GEORGE You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off! JERRY You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned! GEORGE C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again. JERRY If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone? GEORGE Hey, a "hit" is a totally different story. JERRY I don't know, George. GEORGE So, Lena was upset, huh? JERRY You know what? That was the amazing thing. GEORGE What, it didn't bother her? JERRY No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl. GEORGE What? JERRY She's too good. GEORGE Too good... JERRY I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that! GEORGE I see what you mean. JERRY I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. GEORGE Where's the depravity? JERRY No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex. (Elaine enters.) JERRY On the other hand... ELAINE What? GEORGE Thanks again for last night! ELAINE Hey, I didn't even use one. JERRY I thought you said it was imminent. ELAINE Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy. JERRY Sponge-worthy? ELAINE Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges. JERRY But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for? ELAINE Yes, yes - before they went off the market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of 'em. GEORGE You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is gettin' frustrated! Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk. KRAMER Uh, Cosmo Kramer? ORGANIZER Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's your AIDS ribbon. KRAMER Uh, no thanks. ORGANIZER You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon? KRAMER No. ORGANIZER But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon. KRAMER I have to? ORGANIZER Yes. KRAMER See, that's why I don't want to. ORGANIZER But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon! KRAMER You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. (Walks away.) ORGANIZER Hey you! Come back here! Come back here and put this on! George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop. GEORGE Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, a war chest full of them. SUSAN Well, I don't see why you just can't use condoms. GEORGE Oh, no, no...condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever. SUSAN Just once...for the make-up sex. GEORGE Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're way past that. SUSAN Come on, just once? GEORGE No, no...I hate the condom. SUSAN Why? GEORGE I can never get the package open in time. SUSAN Well, you just tear it open. GEORGE It's not that easy. It's like "Beat The Clock," there's a lot of pressure there. Kramer in the AIDS walk. WALKER #1 Hey, where's your ribbon? KRAMER Oh, I don't wear the ribbon. WALKER #2 Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS? KRAMER Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just don't wear the ribbon. WALKER #3 Who do you think you are? WALKER #1 Put the ribbon on! WALKER #2 Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around and glare at Kramer.) BOB Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon? (Kramer is frightened.) Elaine and Billy in her apartment. ELAINE So, you think you're sponge-worthy? BILLY Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think I'm very sponge-worthy. ELAINE Run down your case for me again...? BILLY Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it. ELAINE You going to do something about your sideburns? BILLY Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim my sideburns. ELAINE And the bathroom in your apartment? BILLY Cleaned it this morning. ELAINE The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned? BILLY Everything, yeah. It's spotless. ELAINE Alright, let's go. (They head for the bedroom.) Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment. JERRY Hi. LENA Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins. JERRY Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at anytime. LENA Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen - they do have cream soups. JERRY Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person - LENA Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing a sweater, I left the water running. (Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet? JERRY Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today sponges.) JERRY'S BRAIN Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here! She is depraved! (Grabs a towel and brings it to Lena.) There you are. LENA Thanks. So, you were saying...? JERRY What? Nothing. LENA No, you said I was a good person... JERRY Oh... LENA You seem like you want to tell me something. JERRY Tell you something...I do. LENA What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything. JERRY Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing? LENA Yeah. JERRY I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. That's it. (Lena is puzzled.) George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to open a condom wrapper. SUSAN Come on, George, just tear it open. GEORGE I'm trying, dammit. SUSAN Tear it. GEORGE I tried to tear it from the side, you can't get a good grip here. You gotta do it like a bag of chips. SUSAN Here give it to me. GEORGE Would you wait a second? Just wait? (They fight over it.) SUSAN Give it to me. (She rips it open.) Come on. Come on! GEORGE It's too late. Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers. BOB So! What's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon? KRAMER No! Never. BOB But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon!? KRAMER This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear! CEDRIC What are we gonna do with him? BOB I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon! (Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him and pulls him back down. Kramer screams.) Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line. JERRY It completely turned her off. GEORGE Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size? JERRY I don't wanna be a 32. GEORGE I'd kill to be a 32. JERRY She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me! GEORGE That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open? JERRY It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind. GEORGE You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) Where's Kramer? Everything's finished here. JERRY Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer? (They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises, clothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the finish line.) JERRY Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George are about to leave. George turn's back and looks at Kramer.) GEORGE Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon? (Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.) Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning. ELAINE Good morning. BILLY How'd you sleep? ELAINE Great. You? BILLY Fine, fine. Everything o.k.? ELAINE Yep. BILLY No regrets? ELAINE Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.) What are you doing? BILLY What do you mean? ELAINE Oh...I don't think so. BILLY Why not? I thought you said everything was fine. ELAINE I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the shoulder and gets out of bed.) THE END |
THE MARINE BIOLOGIST | THE MARINE BIOLOGIST Written by Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin (Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone) ELAINE (to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting? (Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine) JERRY Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy ELAINE I'm on the phone here. JERRY Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here touch Golden Boy! ELAINE No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold. JERRY But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirts such a tragic figure. ELAINE Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight? JERRY No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit! (Elaine is suddenly excited) ELAINE (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! JERRY The guy in the gulag! ELAINE Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine! JERRY You wanna barrow Golden Boy! ELAINE Oh! Don't you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy! JERRY Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War--What Is It Good For?"! ELAINE Ha ha. JERRY No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"! ELAINE But it's a line from that song! JERRY That's were they got it from! ELAINE Really? JERRY I'm not joking! (George enters with a handful of mail) GEORGE You can't handle the truth!(he solutes) JERRY What? GEORGE I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth!(he solutes) ELAINE What, is this your mail? (She takes the mail and starts flipping through) GEORGE Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't want my mother reading it. ELAINE Oh! Your Alumni Magazine. JERRY Your mother reads your mail? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY What do you mean like post-cards? GEORGE No, anything. JERRY She doesn't open? GEORGE She'll open! JERRY You've caught your mother opening envelopes! GEORGE Yeah. JERRY What did she say? GEORGE I was curious! JERRY Isn't that against the law? GEORGE Maybe I can get her locked up. ELAINE (She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called "Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything about you in here? JERRY He can't handle the truth! ELAINE All right.. this is too fun I gotta get back to work. (Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is holding a set of golf clubs) KRAMER Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is. (Elaine Gasps) KRAMER Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything ELAINE Wow! KRAMER It's got an alarm that beeps! ELAINE Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you sure you can't use one of these things?? KRAMER Oh no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head) ELAINE Where'd you get this? KRAMER The bank, I opened a new account. (Back inside Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Did you see that whale thing on TV last night? JERRY No. GEORGE I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish! JERRY It's a mammal. GEORGE Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder? JERRY Yeah, got it from the bank. (Kramer enters without his golf bag) KRAMER (over excited) Hey GEORGE Hey KRAMER (still over excited) Who wants to have some fun! JERRY I do. GEORGE I do. KRAMER (once again, over excited) Are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you really want to have fun?! JERRY I really wanna have some fun. GEORGE I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun. KRAMER Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp! GEORGE Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch? JERRY Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you at the coffee shop. GEORGE Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper. (Kramer gets ready to make another swing) GEORGE Keep your head down. (At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and there is a woman beside him) JERRY Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no (he looks over again)balance inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again) processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets his money and then looks at the woman and says)I won! (Jerry starts to walk away) DIANE Jerry? JERRY Yeah DIANE Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've seen you on TV you're doin' great. JERRY Yeah pluggin' along. DIANE I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what ever happened to your friend George? I never see him in there. JERRY Well he's kind of modest. DIANE He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere? JERRY Sure. DIANE Yeah? What field? JERRY Marine biology. DIANE George is a marine biologist?! JERRY A pretty damn good one, too! DIANE I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought.. JERRY Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they don't have to be." (In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting) GEORGE Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn! JERRY Something huh? GEORGE Yeah! How'd she look. JERRY She looked great. She asked about you. GEORGE She did! What did she say? JERRY "How's George?" GEORGE George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl! JERRY Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you. GEORGE OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that. JERRY I got no problem with that. GEORGE Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game...we're finished! JERRY Expect a call. GEORGE Oh my god he's not kidding. JERRY Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the you are a..... GEORGE A what? JERRY A marine biologist. GEORGE A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist? JERRY I may have mentioned it. GEORGE But I'm not a marine biologist! JERRY I'm aware of that. GEORGE So? JERRY You don't think it's a good job. GEORGE I didn't think it was a job. JERRY Oh. It's a fascinating field! GEORGE What if she calls. What will I say? (In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to Diane on the phone) GEORGE Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles. (In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin') LIPPMAN We have got you in a very nice hotel, I don't know how you like to work but I can arrange for an office if you want. TESTIKOV I will work in hotel...much better. I will work away from all the penny bickering and interference. LIPPMAN You know Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him. TESTIKOV He didn't need any inspiration....God spoke through his pen. ELAINE That is so true! Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's original name "War---What Is It Good For?" LIPPMAN What? ELAINE Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from Tolstoy. LIPPMAN I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor. (Elaine's organizer starts beeping) TESTIKOV What is that noise! LIPPMAN What is that? ELAINE It's coming from my purse. It must be my new organizer, here. LIPPMAN Elaine...here! TESTIKOV Turn it off. LIPPMAN It's the top one! ELAINE I'm trying! TESTIKOV HERE! (He throws it out the window of the limo) (On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings and misses. He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on the ground. Then he goes nuts) JERRY I did it for you. GEORGE Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing. JERRY You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley. GEORGE Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am. JERRY Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing. GEORGE Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes me for me. (Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs) I don't want em! JERRY What? KRAMER I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out! JERRY Well what happened? KRAMER I have no concentration! (Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off) JERRY What, what, what's wrong with you? KRAMER Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking down his shirt) Look there is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets! (He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out) JERRY Hey you're getting it all over the floor! (Karma falls over as the phone rings) JERRY (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it is....really....oh. Can you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help track down the owner. GEORGE How'd she find it? JERRY It hit her in the head! (Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop) CORINNE So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right on the head. JERRY Ya. CORINNE Yeah, So they took me to the hospital and they put me in this thing that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there! JERRY Well you have insurance... CORINNE I wish! JERRY Unbelievable! CORINNE Yeah. (Organizer beeps) JERRY What is with this thing. CORINNE I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you can see why I would be interested in finding this person. JERRY Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that. (Organizer beeps again) CORINNE (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop it! Stop it! JERRY Let me have a look at this thing. CORINNE Yeah know somebody told me they thought they saw it coming out of a limousine. JERRY Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can. CORINNE Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button. JERRY I would like to know what my name is doin in this creep's organizer to begin with. CORINNE Ya. JERRY Who do I even know that would have been in a limousine yesterday anyway. OHHHH! (In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers) KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE Hey, "great" organizer that you gave me. (Kramer is still itching cause the sand) KRAMER Oh, you like it huh. ELAINE It wouldn't stop beeping in the car so Testikov through it out the window. KRAMER Oh. ELAINE I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer. (He goes crazy again) ELAINE What, what is it? KRAMER The sand, it's everywhere! ELAINE OK I'll see you later. (Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door) JERRY Oh, there you are! ELAINE There you are! JERRY So? ELAINE So? JERRY So what do you have to say for yourself? ELAINE So what do you have to say for yourself? (Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door) JERRY Why should I have anything for say for myself? ELAINE "War-- What is it go for?"! JERRY Ha Ha, who told you? ELAINE Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! JERRY You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What Is IT Good For?"? ELAINE Ya know what happened? JERRY Can I take a guess? ELAINE Please. JERRY Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window? (Elaine pushes Jerry) ELAINE What, how did you know that? JERRY Because I know who has it. ELAINE What, how did you find it? JERRY Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name in it, called me up, and we met! ELAINE Well where is it, give it to me! JERRY I don't have it! ELAINE Why not. JERRY Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill. ELAINE But I didn't do Testikov did it, he should have to pay for it! JERRY How much is Testikov getting from Pendman for this book? ELAINE One million. JERRY Well that's a start. (George and Diane are walking on the beach) GEORGE Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be. DIANE Really? GEORGE Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... architecture... (At the hotel that Testikov is staying at) JERRY You know what room Testikov's in? ELAINE Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this! JERRY Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you? ELAINE Why are you so interested, you want to take her out? JERRY You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her! ELAINE Well you're not Super Man. JERRY Well you're not Louis Lane. ELAINE Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder. JERRY Ya, are you sure you want to do this. ELAINE Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it. JERRY Ah, here she comes. (Corinne enters through the hotel door) JERRY Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne. ELAINE Hi, you got the organizer? (The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show the organizer in her inside coat pocket) JERRY All right lets go. We'll meet you back here in ten minutes hopefully with the money. (At the beach George and Diane are still walking) DIANE Your parents must be so proud of you, George. GEORGE Oh, they're busting! (there is a large crowd of men and women) DIANE What are those people doing over there? (In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer it. He opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine) TESTIKOV (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What is it! Oh! Come in. That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment? ELAINE Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know, single woman alone in a big city could be dangerous. JERRY Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble and zip, I'm gone. TESTIKOV Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans and their sneakers. Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes and I'll give you the latest manuscript! (They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from the coffee table) JERRY Oh! Ramscy(?), great great book if I my say so sir. I almost read the whole thing. (Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer is still beeping) CORINNE What! HOTEL CLERK If you can't thing off I'm going to have to ask you to leave. CORINNE I'm waitin for two people! HOTEL CLERK Well you can wait for them outside. CORINNE Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers! HOTEL CLERK All right, All right. Out, Out. CORINNE What ever you say Cro..w-well! (On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd) DIANE What's going on over here? WOMAN AT BEACH There is a beached whale, she's dying. VOICE Is anyone here a marine biologist? (In Testikov's room) TESTIKOV Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same place. On time please. JERRY It was nice meeting you, real pleasure! ELAINE Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw it out the window? TESTIKOV How could I forget? ELAINE Well would you believe that it hit actually somebody in the head. JERRY Right in the head! ELAINE Boing! (The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak) TESTIKOV (Shouting)What is that noise! ELAINE Um ,nothing. TESTIKOV What is the noise! (He grabs the purse) ELAINE Hey that's my purse! (He pulls out the recorder) TESTIKOV A recorder! ELAINE No that's a radio.. TESTIKOV You were spying on me! ELAINE No I wasn't. (He throws the recorder out of the hotel window) (Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see the tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head) (Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill trying to get the sand out but he drops it) (Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and looks up and he yells as the boat hits him in the head) (At the beach everyone is yelling at George) CROWD Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's gonna die! DIANE Save the whale George... for me. (He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean) (At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story) GEORGE So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine biologist! (Elaine enters and sits down) ELAINE George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing! GEORGE I know I was just telling them the story. KRAMER Come on George, finish the story. GEORGE The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! (Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance) GEORGE I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! JERRY Mammal. GEORGE Whatever. KRAMER Well, what did you do next? GEORGE Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction! (George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball) (Jerry and George just stare at Kramer) KRAMER What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh. JERRY Well the crowd most have gone wild! GEORGE Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist! JERRY Wow! What'd she say? GEORGE She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home. JERRY All right lets go. ELAINE Are you in a bad mood? JERRY No, I just got my laundry back. ELAINE Ohhh! GoldenBoy? JERRY He didn't make it. ELAINE I'm sorry. JERRY This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue. KRAMER What's with you? GEORGE Sand. It's everywhere THE END |
THE DOG | THE DOG Written by Larry David (Comedy club) So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying! New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative (and inebriated) man. GAVIN Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him. JERRY Is he on the plane now? GAVIN Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets? JERRY Uh, just my next door neighbor. GAVIN You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible. JERRY Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression. JERRY What's the matter? GAVIN Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy. Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the cabin where flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor. ATTENDANT #1 Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital. GAVIN My dog. What about my dog? ATTENDANT #1 Uh, you have a dog? ATTENDANT #2 Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone? Jerry stares out the window. GAVIN Jerry? JERRY Huh? How you feeling? GAVIN Would you take care of Farfel? JERRY Farfel? ATTENDANT #2 It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York? JERRY The dog? The dog?? GAVIN I'm sure it's only for a day or two. JERRY But, you know, what if, you know? GAVIN Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you. JERRY The dog? New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen. JERRY Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do? ELAINE Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call. JERRY STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw. ELAINE If only. JERRY Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back. ELAINE Hey, when you walk him, do ya... JERRY Do I what? ELAINE Do you pick it up? JERRY Yes, I pick it up. ELAINE You pick it up?!? JERRY Well you have to. ELAINE Oh, boy would I love to see that. JERRY SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up? ELAINE Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is. JERRY No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first. ELAINE No, milk. JERRY I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender. ELAINE What is a bender anyhow? JERRY I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar. ELAINE I can't believe he hasn't called. JERRY Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound! Kramer enters. KRAMER Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight. JERRY Why? ELAINE We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative. KRAMER I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life. JERRY You're breaking up? KRAMER Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah. ELAINE Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. KRAMER Woah, you didn't like her? ELAINE If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps. JERRY I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet. KRAMER How come you never said anything? JERRY You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them. KRAMER I tell you. JERRY You. I'm talking about people. ELAINE Are we still going to the movies tonight? JERRY No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me. ELAINE Just me and George? JERRY Sure. ELAINE But we need you. JERRY What do you need me for? Jerry's buzzer buzzes. ELAINE Because... Yeah? GEORGE Prognosis Negative! Elaine buzzes George into the building. ELAINE Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something? JERRY No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you! ELAINE Just me and George alone? George enters. GEORGE Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!! JERRY I can't go. GEORGE Can't go, Why not? JERRY Because I have to watch idiot Farfel. GEORGE I thought Kramer was watching. JERRY He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight. GEORGE Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down. JERRY No, I don't want that smell in the house. GEORGE You spritz a little Lysol on it. JERRY No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk. GEORGE So we're not going? JERRY Nah. You two go. GEORGE Oh. You still wanna go? ELAINE Do you? GEORGE If you want. ELAINE It's up to you. JERRY Go ahead. ELAINE Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon? GEORGE Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go? JERRY I want to but I can't. ELAINE Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night. JERRY No. GEORGE What about this-- JERRY Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time. ELAINE I know, it's not that. GEORGE It's just we want you to go. JERRY Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath! On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge? New scene. George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De Leon. They're obviously uncomfortable alone together. GEORGE So how long did you live there? ELAINE About three years. GEORGE That's pretty long. ELAINE Hmm. GEORGE It's not that long, really. ELAINE Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues. They both speak at the same time, then stop. Another silence. GEORGE And then you came here. ELAINE Yeah. So I've been here about six years. GEORGE Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup. New scene. Jerry vs. Farfel, part II JERRY Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?! New scene. Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend. KRAMER I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself. New scene. Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before. GEORGE I like herbal tea. Elaine yawns. GEORGE Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure. ELAINE Jerry likes Morning Thunder. GEORGE Jerry drinks Morning Thunder? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine. ELAINE Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it. GEORGE You don't tell him? ELAINE No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!" GEORGE You don't tell him? ELAINE No. GEORGE That is so funny! ELAINE I know! GEORGE Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break out in more laughter. New scene. Kramer has had a change of heart. KRAMER Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I'll do anything! New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking. JERRY That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out! New scene. Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment. ELAINE It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one. JERRY Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off. ELAINE The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you. Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, how soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay, see you in five minutes. Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing. JERRY Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What? ELAINE Do you have to? JERRY What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog. ELAINE You know, the guy might have just lost your number. JERRY I'm in the book and I have a machine. ELAINE Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them. JERRY Really? How late are they open? Kramer enters. JERRY What? ELAINE What is it? KRAMER I went back with Ellen. JERRY AND ELAINE Ohhhhh, that's great. ELAINE Terrific. JERRY Yeah, I really think you guys are good together. ELAINE Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding. KRAMER Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her? JERRY I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset. KRAMER From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me. ELAINE Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it. JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER I'm getting my pot. Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out. ELAINE Kramer, we like her. JERRY Kramer? What did we say that's so bad? ELAINE I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit. JERRY I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah? GEORGE Prognosis Negative! Farfel begins barking. JERRY Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on. ELAINE Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault. JERRY It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is. ELAINE Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight. JERRY I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative? ELAINE We'll see it Sunday. George enters. GEORGE Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative? ELAINE I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog. GEORGE What does this mean? JERRY Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon. GEORGE What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound. JERRY She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. GEORGE Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there? JERRY I don't know, regular human time? GEORGE Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies? JERRY Why shouldn't I go here? ELAINE Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom. GEORGE And isn't it more fun using the urinal? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?! GEORGE Hey, go. ELAINE Who's stopping you? GEORGE What, are you doing me a favor? ELAINE Like we care if you go to the bathroom. Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable. GEORGE How's it going? ELAINE Good. Good. You? GEORGE Things are good. After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy off the floor and squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound. ELAINE Boy, he takes such a long time. GEORGE I know. ELAINE You know what he does in there? He gargles. GEORGE Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long? ELAINE Yeah, he does it like six times a day. GEORGE How come we never hear him? ELAINE Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch. Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter. GEORGE Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?! ELAINE We talked about that already. GEORGE Oh. New scene. Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater. GEORGE I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation. JERRY So what are calling me six times a day? GEORGE All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section. JERRY I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire. GEORGE Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out. JERRY It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing? GEORGE Nothing except Prognosis Negative. JERRY Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me. New scene. Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket. ELAINE Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound! The phone rings, Farfel begins barking. ELAINE Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg. Cut back to Jerry and George. GEORGE I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing. JERRY I don't know what to do. GEORGE What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go. JERRY I know, I know. GEORGE So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy. JERRY It is kind of silly. GEORGE Of course it is. JERRY I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake. GEORGE Exactly. JERRY It's not like she's *in* the movie. GEORGE Right. JERRY Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies. GEORGE And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it. JERRY How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go. GEORGE Good. JERRY Saving movies. GEORGE Ridiculous! JERRY Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble. GEORGE Oh, you're dead. New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. Farfel is barking as loud as ever. GAVIN Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel! JERRY You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday. GAVIN Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top notch physicians. KRAMER Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me! GAVIN He won't hurt you, he's just playing. KRAMER Hey you keep that mutt away from me. GAVIN Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours. ELLEN Kramer, are you coming? JERRY Oh, hi Ellen. ELLEN Get in here. Kramer sulks off. JERRY Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind... GAVIN Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out. JERRY Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life. Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and out of Jerry's apartment. New scene. Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment. ELAINE We made plans. JERRY Why don't we just rent a movie? ELAINE I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative. JERRY No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. ELAINE Jerry, you promised me we'd go. JERRY Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it. ELAINE Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it. JERRY You and George got together? ELAINE Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about. Kramer enters. JERRY Hello. Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. JERRY What's up? KRAMER Well, you were right. JERRY About what? KRAMER Ellen. We, uh, broke up again. JERRY Too bad. ELAINE I thought she was the one. KRAMER I'll bring back the pot. ELAINE Okay, c'mon it's movie time. KRAMER Hey, what are you gonna see? JERRY Prognosis Negative. KRAMER Hey, that's supposed to be great. JERRY It's not. KRAMER How do you know? JERRY I have an instinct for these things. (Comedy club) I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet? THE END |
THE OUTING | THE OUTING Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) JERRY I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat. (George dropping off his date for the night) ALLISON I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! GEORGE Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing! ALLISON No... You're *something*. GEORGE You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! ALLISON You're good. You're *good*! GEORGE I'm bad. I'm *bad*! ALLISON You're *killing* me! GEORGE So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. ELAINE Over you? GEORGE Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? (Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday) GEORGE I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". ELAINE I got him a two-line phone. (Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.) JERRY Unbelievable! She's not there. GEORGE What paper does she write for? JERRY The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am. ELAINE Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... JERRY Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... ELAINE (Proudly) Really? ELAINE Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? JERRY Living or all time? ELAINE All time. JERRY Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. ELAINE I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? GEORGE Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. ELAINE I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. ELAINE Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. GEORGE So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. JERRY (indignantly) What's the matter with you? GEORGE (quietly) C'mon, go along... JERRY I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- STEPPING PAST ME "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." JERRY Y'know I hear that all the time. ELAINE Hear what? JERRY That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. ELAINE Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. JERRY Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. ELAINE And you get along well with women. GEORGE I guess that leaves me in the clear... GEORGE I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. JERRY Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? GEORGE Yeah, how did you know that? JERRY You told me that already like two months ago. GEORGE Allison bought it for me. JERRY How you gonna get out of *that* one? GEORGE I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. JERRY He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? SHARON Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. GEORGE Jerry did you wash this pear? JERRY Yeah, I washed it. GEORGE It looks like it hasn't been washed. JERRY So *wash* *it*. GEORGE You hear the way he talks to me? SHARON You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me... GEROGE Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? SHARON It's nice. GEORGE Jerry said he didn't like it. JERRY I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... GEORGE No, you said you didn't like it... JERRY Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something? SHARON So how did you two meet? JERRY Actually, we met in the gym locker room. GEORGE Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since. SHARON Do you guys live together? JERRY (quizzically) Live together? GEORGE No, I got my own place. SHARON And do your parents know? JERRY Know *what*? GEORGE My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on... JERRY Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar! JERRY There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... GEORGE No, of course not... JERRY I mean that's fine if that's who you are... GEORGE Absolutely... JERRY I mean I have many gay friends... GEORGE My *father* is gay... SHARON Look, I know what I heard. JERRY It was a *joke*... GEORGE Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! KRAMER Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! GEORGE No! JERRY No steam! KRAMER Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! KRAMER Happy birthday paruba! JERRY Today's not my birthday. KRAMER Well, I beg to differ... JERRY Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone! JERRY Hey, where you going? ELAINE I gotta go return something... SHARON Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry. JERRY Thank you very much, that's great- )click( Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. )click click( Hello? GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line. GEORGE So, what did she say? JERRY She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... )click click( Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? )click click( I'm back... GEORGE Y'know... I could hear you on the other line... JERRY What are you talkin' about? GEORGE I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?". JERRY You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure? GEORGE Yes, I heard you! JERRY Well, maybe she was disconnected. GEORGE Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation! JERRY Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. )click click click(... KRAMER Yello? JERRY Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. )click click( GEORGE "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"! JERRY Oh no! )click click( Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! GEORGE "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"! JERRY Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!? GEORGE Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it... JERRY No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own! SHARON Why don't you take a seat? ELAINE Thank-you. SHARON Why don't you take your coat off? ELAINE So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. JERRY She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. GEORGE Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war! JERRY So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... GEORGE Not at all. GEORGE Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! JERRY "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical? GEORGE It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*". JERRY "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". JERRY What do you got there? MAN #1 _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you. JERRY "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! GEORGE Now everyone's going to think we're gay! JERRY Not that there's anything wrong with that... GEORGE No, not at all... 54) JERRY "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*! KRAMER I thought we were friends... JERRY Here we go... KRAMER I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? JERRY It's not true! KRAMER Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single... JERRY So are you... KRAMER Yeah-- GEORGE Hello? MRS. S George? GEORGE Mrs. Seinfeld?!? MRS. S Oh, my God... JERRY Oh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma? MRS. S Jerry? JERRY Ma! GEORGE Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!! MRS. S Jerry? JERRY Ma, it's not true! MR. S It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five! MRS. S They weren't culottes, they were shorts. MR. S They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. MRS. S By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! MR. S It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud! JERRY Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! MRS. S Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. MRS. C I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked! GEROGE It's *not* *true*! MRS. C Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. GEORGE Yeah. I'm Buck Naked. MRS. C Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it. GEORGE Of course not... NURSE 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. GEORGE Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? SAILOR Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. JERRY Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... GEORGE No. Just imagine her reaction. ELAINE Yeah... GEORGE Oh, my God... JERRY What? GEORGE She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!! ALLISON Yeah? So? GEORGE Yeah so?? ALLISON Well this is nice. They mention your name. GEORGE Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? ALLISON No, what? GEORGE I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. ALLISON You're *gay*? GEORGE Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. ALLISON (matter-of-factly) I don't believe it. GEORGE You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. ALLISON I will. GEORGE What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person. ALLISON (Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear it from *Jerry*... 11) SHARON Oh, can you ever forgive me? JERRY I dunno... (they kiss again) *Alright*, I forgive you... SHARON Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. JERRY I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane. GEORGE Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! JERRY What!? GEORGE You're with a *woman*! JERRY I know! What are you doin' here?!? GEORGE I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you! JERRY (forcibly removing G. from the apt) Would you get the Hell out of here! SHARON What's going on? ALLISON Yeah, what's going on? GEORGE Alright, tell her. Go ahead. JERRY Tell her what? GEORGE Y'know. About *us*. GEORGE Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor. ALLISON *Really*? KRAMER We'll see you later... KRAMER He's the *phone* man! KRAMER Not that there's anything wrong with that... (Comedy club) JERRY I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that think Joe might be a little... (waves hand back and forth)", they should VACUUM "Y'know I think Joe might be )vroom( (makes vacuuming motion). Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little )vrooom(..." THE END |
THE TICKET | THE TICKET Written by Larry David (Jerry's apartment) (Enter Kramer with one pant leg on) JERRY Where the hell did I put this? KRAMER What are you looking for? JERRY The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? KRAMER No, no, no. (Jerry notices Kramer's look) JERRY All right, what is this? KRAMER what is what? JERRY All right, very funny. I get it. KRAMER You're in a weird mood. JERRY Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it. KRAMER Fix what? JERRY Your pants! (Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks) KRAMER what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for? JERRY Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke? KRAMER No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny? JERRY Go look at your face in the mirror. KRAMER Wha-huh-wha-huh... (door buzzer) JERRY yeah? GEORGE It's George. JERRY Come on up. KRAMER I don't believe this. JERRY You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things? KRAMER No, I swear. JERRY I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays. (Enter George) GEORGE Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for. KRAMER Me? (George hands Kramer a paper) GEORGE Yeah, here you go. KRAMER What's this? GEORGE A dry-cleaning bill? JERRY From that woman at NBC? GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER A dry-cleaning bill for what? GEORGE For vomiting on her vest! KRAMER Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose! GEORGE Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it! KRAMER Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator. GEORGE Yeah, your milk. JERRY He drank it. KRAMER I didn't know. JERRY All right, well, we should all chip in I guess. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY How much was it to clean the vest? GEORGE Eighteen dollars. JERRY Can you get vomit out of suede? GEORGE I don't know. KRAMER Yo-yo Ma! JERRY What? Yo-yo Ma? KRAMER What about him? JERRY You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'. GEORGE What's Yo-yo Ma? JERRY He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today. GEORGE All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars. JERRY I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill. GEORGE I know! JERRY That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it? GEORGE The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network JERRY Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing! GEORGE It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now. KRAMER Jeez! GEORGE Anyway. (Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.) JERRY What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye. GEORGE What? JERRY NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea. GEORGE They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? JERRY I don't know about sixty. GEORGE Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh? JERRY Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson? GEORGE I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.' JERRY Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'! GEORGE Oh! JERRY You know, I think he wears a piece. GEORGE Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it. (Street) JERRY I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it. (He throws his watch in the trash can beside him) GEORGE What, is that the one your parents gave you? JERRY Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab. GEORGE All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab. JERRY I'll pay for it. GEORGE It's not the money! JERRY Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience? (Both raise their arm to signal a cab.) LEO Jerry! JERRY Uncle Leo! LEO Helloooo! JERRY Hello there, how're you doing? LEO Ha ha! How are you? JERRY Good, good. LEO How's your mom and dad? JERRY Good, fine. LEO What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore! JERRY Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all. LEO You know where I just came from? (He grabs Jerry's forearm.) Danny Barma. JERRY Oh, sure. Danny. LEO He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time! (Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.) JERRY Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. (George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.) LEO The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me: 'You need any pajamas?' JERRY I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going. LEO Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go. JERRY We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC. LEO Nobody got a gun to your head! JERRY Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh. LEO Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment. JERRY I'm sorry, really. LEO You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too! JERRY Sorry, really. (Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and puts it on. He walks away.) (Hall out of Kramer's apartment) (Newman knocks on Kramer's door) KRAMER Yeah? NEWMAN Come on, are you ready? Let's go! (Straightens his tie) (Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.) KRAMER For what? NEWMAN What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago. KRAMER what about? NEWMAN The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today. KRAMER I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later. NEWMAN You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand. KRAMER Well, I can't! NEWMAN Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!! KRAMER Shut up! I'll get my coat! (Newman enters Kramer's apartment) Don't step on anything. (NBC's waiting room) JERRY You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives. GEORGE I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself. JERRY You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.' GEORGE Look at this. JERRY Why didn't you shave this morning? GEORGE 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. JERRY Why? GEORGE Because of the day before. It's a long story. (Jerry looks down the hall.) Can't get back on schedule. JERRY Is that Joe Davola? (Jerry crouches in his seat) GEORGE It's not him! JERRY I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked. RECEPTIONIST Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you. JERRY Oh. (They get up) GEORGE Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here? (They walk toward the office) JERRY All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little. GEORGE Okay. A little. (Courthouse waiting room) NEWMAN Okay, you're all set? You got your story? KRAMER No. NEWMAN When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide. KRAMER Uhm... NEWMAN Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide. (Pause; they're thinking) KRAMER I never had an air conditioner. NEWMAN No! That's no reason to kill yourself! KRAMER Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room? NEWMAN Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself. KRAMER Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself. NEWMAN No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else. KRAMER I was never able to become a banker. (Newman has a revelation.) NEWMAN Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live. NEWMAN You must be banker. KRAMER MUST be banker. NEWMAN Okay, we'll go with the banker story. (NBC office) (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting the commercials. If so, please complete.) GEORGE The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation. (George is the only one laughing) RUSSEL And people really have to care about the characters. GEORGE Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in? JERRY Wouldn't tune in. GEORGE Would they tune in? JERRY No tune. RUSSEL We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down. GEORGE The show will be like a heart attack! JERRY Just a huge massive coronary. RUSSEL So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now. GEORGE Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later. JERRY He couldn't believe it. GEORGE I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?' (Jerry and George laugh) (Courtroom) POLICE OFFICER Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide. JUDGE And then what happened? POLICE OFFICER Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream: 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.' (NBC office) RUSSEL Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you. (George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, nonstop) GEORGE Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business. JERRY We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business. GEORGE Yeah! STU Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'? (Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.) (Jerry gets it, pokes George.) JERRY Your off-Broadway play. GEORGE Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company. JERRY Hmm, hmm. GEORGE That's my vow to you. RUSSEL Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment. (the lady is Susan) (George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop) GEORGE Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure. JERRY Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah. RUSSEL So, let's make a pilot. (Hand shakes) (Courtroom) NEWMAN I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker. JUDGE I don't understand. NEWMAN You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say... KRAMER Yo-yo Ma! NEWMAN So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. JUDGE So then he didn't kill himself. NEWMAN No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today (Stands up, points to Kramer.) (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate my entire testimony. (NBC's waiting room) (Jerry and George are coming out of the office) GEORGE See? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh! JERRY Now, all we gotta do is write it. GEORGE Yes! How're we gonna do that? (Enter Susan) SUSAN Hey! Congratulations! JERRY Thanks. GEORGE Oh, thank you. JERRY Thank you, thanks. GEORGE Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. SUSAN No. RECEPTIONIST Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call. JERRY Phone call? Who knows I'm here? (He picks up the phone) Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about pajamas! GEORGE When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance. SUSAN Oh, it was only vomit. GEORGE Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning. SUSAN Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber: yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?* GEORGE No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money. SUSAN Well, it was eighteen dollars. GEORGE Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend. SUSAN Yeah. Call me. GEORGE All right, great. SUSAN Bye. JERRY Bye thanks. GEORGE Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money. JERRY Why? GEORGE I offered to pay. She should've said no. JERRY She did, you insisted. GEORGE Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest. JERRY Nah! GEORGE How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? JERRY oh, I d-I don't know. I d--- GEORGE Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer. JERRY Okay. GEORGE All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on. (Coffee shop) GEORGE Thirteen thousand? JERRY Thirteen thousand. GEORGE a piece? JERRY No, for both! GEORGE That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode. JERRY Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson? GEORGE Well, he does. JERRY You're nuts! GEORGE I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he? JERRY He's somebody. GEORGE What about me? JERRY You're nobody. GEORGE Why him? Why not me? JERRY He's good, you're not. GEORGE I'm better than him. JERRY You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola! GEORGE What? Where? Where? JERRY Outside! I saw him outside! (Europe) *I think.* (Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, then stops.) ELAINE what is it? BOYFRIEND Oh, it's this patient. ELAINE Again? BOYFRIEND I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication. ELAINE Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days. BOYFRIEND Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous. (Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.) (Coffee shop) JERRY Go outside and see if he's still there. GEORGE I can't go out there, he knows we're friends. JERRY Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor. (A cop sits down at the counter.) GEORGE Tell the cop. JERRY Good idea. (Walks to counter) Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab. COP Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin. JERRY Thanks. Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.) JERRY He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life. (Looks over at the cop) Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?! GEORGE I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin. (Jerry gets up and walks to the counter) JERRY What are you doing? COP What? JERRY What, are you ordering food now? COP Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. JERRY What happened to the muffin? COP I got a little hungry. JERRY All of a sudden you get hungry? COP Yeah! You got a problem with that? JERRY No! Enjoy your lunch. (Goes back toward the booth and stops.) You know a muffin can be very filling. (Keeps walking to the booth) He's getting a sandwich now! GEORGE I thought he was just gonna have a muffin. JERRY All of a sudden he gets hungry. GEORGE You know, a muffin can be very filling. JERRY I know! (Courtroom) NEWMAN Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th? KRAMER What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be? NEWMAN You know what I mean. KRAMER I was very upset that day. NEWMAN And why was that? KRAMER Would you let me say it? Let me talk! NEWMAN All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead. KRAMER All right. NEWMAN Okay. KRAMER I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. NEWMAN And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside. KRAMER Uh, yeah. NEWMAN It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you... JUDGE Mister Newman. NEWMAN Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it. JUDGE Uh, continue. NEWMAN As you were saying, Mister Kramer... KRAMER What was the question? NEWMAN You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking. KRAMER Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.' NEWMAN But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail? KRAMER I don't know. NEWMAN It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true? JUDGE Uh, could you get to the speeding? NEWMAN Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not? KRAMER Phone call? NEWMAN Yes, a phone call! KRAMER From who? NEWMAN From me! KRAMER From you? NEWMAN Yes, from me!! I called you remember? KRAMER You called me? NEWMAN Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember? KRAMER what? NEWMAN You were going to... (Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman can) You were going to do something (Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around) to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!! JUDGE I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a--- NEWMAN Yes, the banker!!! KRAMER What banking? NEWMAN A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor... JUDGE That's enough already. NEWMAN Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught. KRAMER I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo! NEWMAN You shut up! I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure. JUDGE That'll be seventy-five dollars. NEWMAN What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out! (They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.) (Coffee shop) (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I sucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete again. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.) *JERRY Do you see him? GEORGE I'm not* sure. JERRY Well, either you see him or you don't. GEORGE All right. I don't. JERRY What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.! GEORGE What's with this guy? (Jerry walks to the counter) JERRY Did you just order coffee? COP Yeah. JERRY This is really too much. COP What is your problem? JERRY Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes. COP Well, you're just gonna have to wait. (Enter Kramer and Newman) KRAMER Never said anything about the banking. NEWMAN You're off your rocker. JERRY Hey you guys! KRAMER Hey! JERRY What are you doing here? KRAMER What are YOU doing here? JERRY Hey, is Davola outside? KRAMER Davola? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER No, I didn't see him. NEWMAN Crazy Joe Davola? GEORGE Jerry, yours is eleven dollars. JERRY Eleven dollars for what? GEORGE Muffin, sandwich and coffee! JERRY Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot. KRAMER You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh? JERRY No. NEWMAN Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand? GEORGE What's the difference? The money is not important. JERRY Hey Newman, is that your red car? NEWMAN Yeah. JERRY I think you're getting a ticket. NEWMAN Deh! KRAMER Run, run! Go, go, go! (Newman runs outside) NEWMAN Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses. KRAMER I saw the whole thing! JERRY Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot. GEORGE Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier. JERRY Oh, like you know what you're talking about! GEORGE No, YOU do! THE END |
THE CHICKEN ROASTER | THE CHICKEN ROASTER Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack) George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand GEORGE Why is there no haggling in this country? JERRY I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink. GEORGE Not me. Everything should be negotiable. JERRY Restaurants too? GEORGE Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam. JERRY Yea especially zedi(???), with that big hole. (George asks the store worker a question) GEORGE Excuse me, how much is this? WORKER Dollar nineteen. GEORGE I'll give you a quarter. WORKER Get the hell out of here. JERRY Tell him forty and no fork. GEORGE Thirty. WORKER That's it you leave and never come back! JERRY How about we leave and come back in a week? WORKER Deal! GEORGE Alright see? We got something there. (Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the new chicken shack. ( I came in a little late.)) JERRY Look at the size of that neon light. KRAMER Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block. JERRY He is the gambler. KRAMER Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle. JERRY Try and stay calm. KRAMER Yea, yea. (Exit the K-Man.) (Man on street recognizes Jerry.) MAN Hey Jerry. JERRY Seth! Wow what has it been like five years? SETH At least. JERRY You wanna grab lunch? SETH Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office. JERRY Seth it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy? SETH Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting. JERRY Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to? SETH+JERRY Alright, alright. JERRY Whatever happened to Moochie? SETH He's dead. JERRY Is that right? (George and Elaine are in a store ) GEORGE I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me a business expense. ELAINE What do you think of the catalog? GEORGE It stinks. ELAINE There, we just talked business. WORKER We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked. ELAINE Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff. WORKER You know what else we have that you might like? ELAINE I'll take it. (George puts on a giant Russian hat) GEORGE Hey, you like? (Elaine laughs) WORKER I think that looks very nice on you. GEORGE Really? Elaine...Peterman account? ELAINE Why not? (To worker) And some hair for my little friend here. (Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant) SETH So how's your stand up career? JERRY Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan. SETH You speak Japanese? JERRY No SETH So you would have done it in Japan, but in English. (Jerry thinks for a minute) JERRY I don't know. So what's this job of yours? SETH Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them. JERRY The meeting you blew off? (Seth laughs) SETH Yea. JERRY Wasn't that kind of important? ( Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.) SETH Yea. (Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone) ELAINE ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water pic. JERRY You use a water pick? ELAINE Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine... JERRY So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what two? ELAINE Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call. ELAINE Hello? MAN Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch. ELAINE Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting? ROGER Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account. ELAINE Well, I am the President. ROGER Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense account is for business purposes only. ELAINE Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want? ROGER No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. ELAINE Good day. (Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still on hold) JERRY Hello, anybody? (George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey, why didn't you get the big one? GEORGE This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable! JERRY I don't believe it. GEORGE And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on. JERRY Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on. GEORGE I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run. JERRY That's a date? GEORGE What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's "By Mennen!". JERRY How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date? GEORGE If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove, scarf, I go back to her place to pick it up...date number three. JERRY That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse? (Jerry is at his apartment door) JERRY "By Mennen" (Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's peep hole, Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a huge red light is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar) JERRY What's going on in there? KRAMER What? JERRY The light! KRAMER Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right across my window. JERRY Can't you shut the shades? KRAMER They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stopped by. JERRY Yea? What'd he say? KRAMER he was fired. (Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting guy that all of her expenses are business related) ELAINE Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think? ROGER Another bulls eye. ELAINE Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obviously for a legitimate business purpose. ( Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.) ROGER I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday. ELAINE The hat? Why do you need to see the hat? ROGER Because it costs eight-thousand dollars. ELAINE What? (Hits Roger with water from water pic.) (Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment) JERRY Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me? SETH We're old college buddies. JERRY I only knew you through Moochie. SETH Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that we got to catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads? JERRY Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. ) JERRY How's life on the red planet? KRAMER Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. JERRY Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain? KRAMER Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there. (Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes the tomato juice from the fridge.) JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER Getting some cereal JERRY That's tomato juice. (Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!) (Spits out cereal) KRAMER That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry. (Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...) JERRY I don't know Kramer, my only concern is that .... (Cleans it with a dish rag....) JERRY ..living together after a while we might start to get on each others nerves a little. (Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back in fridge) KRAMER Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we switch apartments? JERRY Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite. KRAMER Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come down! JERRY Yea, that's no good. KRAMER I may have to drive that place out of business. JERRY How you gonna do that? KRAMER Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets. (Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light ) (George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.) WOMAN Thanks George, but I got it from here. GEORGE Oh no I'm in already come on. (George puts down the bags he came in with) GEORGE So you want to get together tomorrow? WOMAN No, I'm gonna be pretty busy. GEORGE What about this weekend? WOMAN I'm gonna be busy for a while. (George throws his keys on the table) GEORGE OK, see ya! WOMAN Hey, you forgot your keys. GEORGE What, those aren't my keys. WOMAN Well they're not mine. GEORGE Oh, they are my keys, how weird. WOMAN Bye George. GEORGE Yea. WOMAN George, bye! (George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ) GEORGE Costanza. (Like "By Mennen") (George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at a bunch of fake butterflies on the wall(?) ) ELAINE What do you mean you don't have the hat? GEORGE I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? ELAINE No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back! GEORGE Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic. Dial 9- MERLIN. (George dials again and Heather picks up the phone) HEATHER Hello? GEORGE Heather Hi, it's George Costanza. HEATHER Oy! GEORGE Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me, I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up. HEATHER You didn't' leave a hat here. GEORGE I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally. HEATHER No hat. George I gotta go. GEORGE You know maybe ... I'll ... (Heather hangs up) (Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage for Kenny Roger's Chick shack) JERRY Seth? SETH Jerry Hi! What do you think? JERRY I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be. SETH Yea, I'm the new manager JERRY But your were an executive, this is fast food. SETH Not fast food, good food served quickly. (Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN") KRAMER Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you up. SETH That's not going to be good for business. JERRY That's not going to be good for anybody. (Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ) JERRY If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me. (Jerry holds up a doll) KRAMER Mr. Marbles? He's harmless. JERRY And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my... (Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes Newman from the bathroom) JERRY Oh no. NEWMAN Nice place you got here Kramer a man can really get some thinking done. JERRY Well don't get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova. (Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. Newman starts eating chicken) KRAMER What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here. NEWMAN I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird. KRAMER Well I'm boycotting it. (Kramer looks at the chicken.) KRAMER What is that, hickory? NEWMAN Yea, it's the wood that makes it good. KRAMER Really? NEWMAN Uh-Huh. (Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,) KRAMER Oh stop it. (Kramer looks like he loves it) (Knock on Heather's door.) HEATHER Can I help you? (Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by pulling his ear) ELAINE Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend of George Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel a second date. HEATHER Really? ELAINE I know, he has a real confidence problem. GEORGE Well not really... ELAINE George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But I really do need to have that hat back. HEATHER Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but... GEORGE Well that makes sense. ELAINE Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around? HEATHER Be my guest. (George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine) GEORGE Good to see you again. (George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.) GEORGE She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere. ELAINE This is an absolute disaster. GEORGE Oh, I don't know. Check this out. (George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. ) ELAINE You stole her clock? (George smiles) ELAINE Well done. GEORGE Yep, this one for our side! (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny Roger's Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so found another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.) (Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).) JERRY What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax. (sound of a door opening) JERRY Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles? (Morning at Jerry apartment) ELAINE So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon, what am I gonna do? KRAMER You should sleep with him. (Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's slide) JERRY Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain! ELAINE You look a little stressed. JERRY Oh I'm stressed! ELAINE So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon. JERRY You know my friend Bob Sacamano? ELAINE I thought he was Kramer's friend. JERRY Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks. ELAINE fourty bucks? Are they Sable? JERRY No, but the difference is unnoticeable. KRAMER Oh yea, I like this idea. ELAINE Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go. JERRY Giddee up! (Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in the bathroom.) NEWMAN It's getting cold, it's getting cold. KRAMER That was a close one. NEWMAN Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry? KRAMER If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with the red menace. (Back to Elaine's office) IPSWITCH Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Neutria. ELAINE Well, that's a kind of sable. IPSWITCH No, its a kind of rat. ELAINE That's a rat hat? IPSWITCH And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time. ELAINE But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle. IPSWITCH Yes, and quite mad from what I hear. ELAINE Wait? Can I fire you? IPSWITCH No. (Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together) KRAMER So Heather called? GEORGE Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it? KRAMER No, but this is all very exciting. GEORGE She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my hat, I think she's getting ready to make an exchange. KRAMER Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind. GEORGE I've looked at that, seems unlikely. KRAMER I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this? GEORGE I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you. KRAMER That's a shame. (Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand) JERRY Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign? SETH Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager. SETH Number sixty seven, family feast. NEWMAN Number 67, right here, right here! JERRY Hello Newman. NEWMAN Hello Jerry. SETH And don't forget your steamed broccoli. JERRY Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce. NEWMAN I love broccoli, its good for you. JERRY Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece? (Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece) NEWMAN Gladly. (Newman spits it out) NEWMAN Vile weed! JERRY It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he? NEWMAN Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard. (Newman drinks mustard like Henningins ) (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry comes in.) KRAMER Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy. JERRY Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find him at Kenny Roger's Roasters. KRAMER Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place. JERRY He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people, as long as one of them is not him. KRAMER Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat, oh she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping by. JERRY I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll switch back. KRAMER Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right out of town. JERRY I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble, I'll do it myself. KRAMER Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up doesn't matter to me. JERRY Alright. KRAMER No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody. JERRY You got a little problem. KRAMER Oh I got a big problem Jerry! (Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is brought in and told to sit. ) PETERMAN Elaine. ELAINE Mr. Peterman. (A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds him in another language ) ELAINE You speak Burmese? PETERMAN No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place? ELAINE No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood. PETERMAN Are you an assassin? ELAINE I work for your mail order catalog. PETERMAN You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. ELAINE Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here. PETERMAN I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will have to see this hat. (George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding a bag.) GEORGE So how do you want to do this? HEATHER Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went out, I found you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza! (Costanza like "By Mennen") GEORGE So you really don't have my hat? HEATHER What? (George moves his bag) GEORGE Oh. let's go do something. HEATHER What's in bag? GEORGE That's a sandwich. (Clock starts ringing) GEORGE Damn salami. HEATHER My clock, you stole it! GEORGE That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my orders. (Starts raining ) (Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which he was wearing) wet (or course)) JERRY Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there. (As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the wetness, the hat falls apart into everyone's plate) JERRY Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business. SETH That's not gonna be good for anybody. (Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken light goes out) KRAMER Kenny? ... Kenny? (Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" ) KRAMER Kenny.... (Jerry is in bed at his own apartment) JERRY Home at last. (Creek!) JERRY Is someone there? Mr. Marbles? (Elaine with Peterman in the jungle) ELAINE Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in the last catalog. PETERMAN The horror...the horror. THE END |
THE LIBRARY | THE LIBRARY Written by Larry Charles (JERRY'S APARTMENT) JERRY Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station? KRAMER enters JERRY Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye. KRAMER What's the problem? JERRY This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it. KRAMER Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000 JERRY It doesn't work like that. KRAMER If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000 JERRY It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ... FLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress) JERRY That orange dress is burned in my memory KRAMER Oh, memory burn. JERRY I wonder what ever happened to her. KRAMER How did they ever find you? JERRY Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous. (buzzer) JERRY It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library KRAMER You know I never got a library card. JERRY (to speaker) Coming down. KRAMER It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh, JERRY I gotta go to the library. You want to go? KRAMER Yeah, LIBRARY KRAMER The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal. JERRY Where's George READER Shhh. KRAMER Tryin' to save a quarter. JERRY I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house. TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER JERRY This woman's completely ignoring me. KRAMER Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer. JERRY Eventually a little shot of penicillin LIBRARIAN Yes? JERRY Yes I called before. I got his notice in the mail. LIBRARIAN Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman. KRAMER Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman? LIBRARIAN It's true. KRAMER That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone. LIBRARIAN Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes. JERRY Can I speak with this Bookman? LIBRARIAN Just a second. GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET GEORGE Jerry, JERRY What? GEORGE I think I saw him. I think it's him. JERRY Who? GEORGE Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine JERRY Yeah. KRAMER yeah GEORGE I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School. READER Shhh. JERRY (whispers) Are you sure? GEORGE He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him. JERRY George got him fired. He squealed on him. KRAMER Ooh tattle tale GEORGE (yells) I didn't tattle READER Shh Shh KRAMER What did this guy do? What happened? GEORGE There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it. KRAMER Oh come on, You can tell me. GEORGE Some other time. KRAMER What tonight? LIBRARIAN WALKS BY KRAMER Y'know I never figured you for a squealer. JERRY Oh, he sang like a canary. LIBRARIAN Mr. Bookman's not here. JERRY Not here? Why was I told to come down here? LIBRARIAN He'll be out all afternoon on a case. KRAMER He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? JERRY Well what am I supposed to do now? LIBRARIAN I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you. JERRY All right Thanks. Come on lets go GEORGE Let's see if it's Hayman? KRAMER Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card? PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES ELAINE Where's Karen? SECRETARY She went to pick up lunch. ELAINE She didn't ask me what I wanted. SECRETARY She must have forgot. ELAINE How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years? Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting a really weird vibe. Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything. SECRETARY I don't know anything. ELAINE Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy." LIPPMAN ENTERS ELAINE Oh, hi Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN Elaine, ELAINE Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you? LIPPMAN Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold. ELAINE It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth. AT MONKS ELAINE I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing. JERRY So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal! ELAINE What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH! GEORGE I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it? ELAINE What did he do? GEORGE He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once. JERRY I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,... GEORGE OK, OK, I never even had him for gym. JERRY I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse. GEORGE Little baked beans JERRY Echh ELAINE Come on tell me what happened. GEORGE Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME! FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM GEORGE ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ... HEYMAN Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja GEORGE Yes, Mr. Hayman HEYMAN Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. GEORGE Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. HEYMAN Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand? GEORGE I'm not really sure, I... HEYMAN Well let's take a look. gets a wedgie) BACK TO MONK'S GEORGE He gave me a wedgie. JERRY He got fired the next day. ELAINE Why do they call it a wedgie? GEORGE Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.. JERRY They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare. ELAINE Boys are sick. JERRY Well what do girls do ? ELAINE We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life. KRAMER ENTERS KRAMER Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya. STANDUP ROUTINE What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel? JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea? BOOKMAN You got any coffee? JERRY Coffee? BOOKMAN Yeah. Coffee. JERRY No, I don't drink coffee. BOOKMAN Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee? JERRY No, I don't have-- BOOKMAN You don't have any instant coffee? JERRY Well, I don't normally-- BOOKMAN Who doesn't have instant coffee? JERRY I don't. BOOKMAN You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals. JERRY Really? I'll have to remember that. BOOKMAN You took this book out in 1971. JERRY Yes, and I returned it in 1971. BOOKMAN Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella. JERRY Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically. BOOKMAN You're a comedian, you make people laugh. JERRY I try. BOOKMAN You think this is all a big joke, don't you? JERRY No, I don't. BOOKMAN I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law? JERRY Certainly not. BOOKMAN Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week! (Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's door to leave) KRAMER'S APARTMENT KRAMER What's wrong? MARION It's Bookman the library cop. KRAMER So I didn't do anything wrong. MARION I'm supposed to be atwork. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here. KRAMER Why don't ya' leave? MARION I can't. JERRY'S DOORWAY JERRY No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book I n 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ... IN MONKS WITH SHERRY SH Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think. JERRY So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? SH I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress. JERRY Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange? SH Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne? JERRY No Black Jack? SH Licorice gum? Never! We were reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book, JERRY Tropic of Cancer. SH No, Tropic of Capricorn JERRY Tropic of Capricorn? SH Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ." JERRY Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ... FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM JERRY Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. GEORGE Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it JERRY Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. BACK TO MONKS SH Where ya' going? JERRY It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE! LIBRARY KRAMER Read another poem. MARION Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest. KRAMER Wow, that is great. You should be published. KRAMER You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed. MARIAN Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: HELLO! KRAMER HELLO! MARIAN HELLO! KRAMER HELLO! MARIAN HELLO! BOOKMAN Hello! MARIAN Mr. Bookman. BOOKMAN I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll? JERRY'S APARTMENT (Jerry in bedroom) ELAINE Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good JERRY Maybe you're getting' a raise. (buzzer) ELAINE Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie. ELAINE What? GEORGE It's George ELAINE George is on his way up. JERRY Wait 'til I tell him about the book. KRAMER (reading) sobs ELAINE Are you OK? What? What? KRAMER It's marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing) ELAINE Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT (Jerry enters). JERRY I'm right here. ELAINE Remember that Columbus book? JERRY Columbus, Euro trash. (George enters) GEORGE Well, it's definetly him. ELAINE Him? Him who? GEORGE Him who? Hayman him. ELAINE Hayman The gym teacher? You found him? GEORGE Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus JERRY That was double overtime. GEORGE So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie. ELAINE At least it wasn't atomic. GEORGE It was. JERRY So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER GEORGE How should I know? JERRY Because I gave it to you. GEORGE Me? JERRY Yesah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room. GEORGE The locker room! THE LOCKER ROOM JERRY Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. GEORGE Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem. JERRY All right, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. HEYMAN Can't Stand Ya'. GEORGE Yes Mr. Hayman. HEYMAN Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. GEORGE Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. HEYMAN Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand? GEORGE I'm not really sure, I... HEYMAN Well let's take a look. (George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor) LIBRARY ( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman) JERRY Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. BOOKMAN Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody? JERRY What is your problem? BOOKMAN What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. JERRY (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying? ELAINE Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much. JERRY Oh, beautiful did he like them? ELAINE No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't! JERRY (to George) Was he out there? GEORGE Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him. JERRY I guess we'll never know. SOME BACK ALLEY HEYMAN Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground) STAND UP It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day. THE END |
THE NAP | THE NAP Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Monk's) GEORGE Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy. JERRY That's good stuff. GEORGE I can't to myself. I'm exhausted. JERRY Can you grab a nap at work. GEORGE Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'. ELAINE Bye. JERRY So what are you doing now? ELAINE I'm going to take a little stroll through the park. JERRY With a gentleman caller? ELAINE Yes, his name is Hal. JERRY The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person. ELAINE It's the next best thing to being alone. (Kramer enters - wet head) JERRY Shower? KRAMER No, pool. I just swam 200 laps. ELAINE You are kidding. KRAMER Look at hose babies (hands). They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place. ELAINE Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming? JERRY A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision. ELAINE Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right? ELAINE What exactly was that kid? KRAMER Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid. (Yankee Stadium) WILHELM Oh, George, have you seen the American league directory? It is a big green book. Oh, thanks kiddo. (Central park) HAL ELAINE Well I don't care. It was delicious. ELAINE Wanna sit down? HAL Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back. ELAINE Really? HAL I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store. ELAINE Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations". HAL Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard". (Jerry's Apartment) CONRAD Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge? JERRY Yeah. CONRAD I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all. JERRY You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand? CONRAD Oh, these are different. JERRY Drop one. . . . left! (George enters) GEORGE Jerry, look at my eyes. JERRY A little less beady today. GEORGE Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible. JERRY Sounds like a really cool fort. CONRAD Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it? JERRY I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it. GEORGE Conrad, is it? CONRAD Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer. GEORGE Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom? JERRY He's kind of tied up here. GEORGE It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you? CONRAD There is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . . JERRY Why don't you just work on George's project for a while? CONRAD Whatever you want. (Next day - on the telephone) JERRY So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal. ELAINE Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. (knock knock). I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah! DELIVERY GUY Delivery. Elaine Benes? ELAINE Yeah. DELIVERY GUY We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress. ELAINE Mattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller? (Yankee Stadium) GEORGE Do you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock? CONRAD You mean like that big? GEORGE Like this. CONRAD Yeah, I can do that. GEORGE Thanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket? CONRAD Blanket or quilt? GEORGE Blanket. CONRAD That thick? GEORGE Maybe like this. CONRAD Like that? GEORGE Yeah, like that. CONRAD If that is what you want. GEORGE That is what I want. (Later) CONRAD Hey George, you want this cup holder mounted on the left, or the right, or the middle, . . . GEORGE Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home. GEORGE Its been a long night. You go home and get some sleep. CONRAD If that's what you want. GEORGE That's what I want. W Morning George. GEORGE Good morning Mr. Wilhelm. (George escapes under his desk) KRAMER got problems Jerry. JERRY What happened? KRAMER Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine. JERRY How long did that last? KRAMER A half hour then diving class started. Well... that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry. (Elaine enters) JERRY How was the movie? ELAINE I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy. JERRY Why? ELAINE He's got a back problem. JERRY So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay. ELAINE After one date! KRAMER What's that guy's last name again? ELAINE Kitzmiller. KRAMER Oh, that's right. JERRY So what are you going to do with the mattress? ELAINE I don't know. Chuck it? KRAMER Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom. ELAINE Oh, all right. KRAMER My old one sprung a leak. ELAINE You have a water bed? KRAMER Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach. enters) CONRAD Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways. JERRY How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today! CONRAD Couple of questions for you. JERRY No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done. CONRAD All right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want. JERRY Just . . . do it. (Jerry exits) (George's office) STEINBRENNER Costanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excus� mois? Have you seen Costanza? SECRETARY I've seen him around. STEINBRENNER Um, I'm stuck on this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know the name of that. "She's a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh. Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what? I can't stay awake for that guy. What is this? People? Um, the most beautiful people people. Ally Selica, Nothing wrong with that uh? (Monks) HAL Elaine, your taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what Ii intended. ELAINE Well, what did you intend, Hal? HAL I just wanted you to have the comfort and report you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you. ELAINE Custom designed? HAL They adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. Five eight, about 110 pounds? ELAINE Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. HAL So you do like the mattress? ELAINE Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it. (East River) FATHER Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives. SON Hey, there's a man swimming in the water. FATHER Naw, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they through the body in the river. (Jerry's hall) KRAMER Jer. JERRY Hi. KRAMER Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes. JERRY What is that smell? KRAMER That's East River. JERRY You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard? KRAMER Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage. JERRY How could you swim in that water? KRAMER I saw a couple of other guys out there. JERRY Swimming? KRAMER Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there. (Jerry's apartment) Jerry looks around the new renovation. (Elaine's) ELAINE (on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye. ELAINE Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh! (George's Office) STEINBRENNER What is with this guy? I've been waiting three and a half hours. Should I go? No way Jack! ??? at the registrar again, I'll tell you that. SECONRAD Mr. Steinbrenner? STEINBRENNER That's what they call me. SECONRAD Your grandchildren are here to see you. STEINBRENNER Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. ... little people .. pony express ... wow, (Jerry's) JERRY (on phone) hello. GEORGE Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help( me. JERRY Who is this? GEORGE Jerry, . . . XX Hi, GEORGE Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away. XX Hi, I'm Brady. GEORGE ?? get away?? JERRY Why don't you just have him paged? GEORGE Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat. JERRY A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat? GEORGE Just CALL! JERRY I should have some reason. STEINBRENNER Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . " SECONRAD Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building. STEINBRENNER A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk. (Steinbrenner's office) STEINBRENNER Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies. GEORGE I'm sorry sir. STEINBRENNER You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time. GEORGE What? STEINBRENNER ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear. (Jerry's new renovated apartment) ELAINE Jerry, Jerry. JERRY Yeah. ELAINE What the hell is this? Where are you? JERRY Over here. You can see right through here. ELAINE What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here. JERRY It's kind of cozy. ELAINE Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress. JERRY Does it smell like the East River? ELAINE How did you know? JERRY Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge. ELAINE Oh, GREAT! (Kramer enters) KRAMER Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again. ELAINE Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks. KRAMER Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted. (George enters) GEORGE Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here? ELAINE Hi. GEORGE Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is. ELAINE It is obtrusive, isn't it? KRAMER It is very obtrusive. JERRY I don't think it's that bad. KRAMER You can't get a stool in here. JERRY No the stools go over there. KRAMER No, that's no good. I'm leaving. ELAINE I'm with you. I'm going back to my place. GEORGE Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for? JERRY You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool. GEORGE Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me. JERRY Hey look at you. GEORGE Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT. JERRY No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear. GEORGE ??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING. JERRY Could you at least get a hat for me? GEORGE FINE? WHAT SIZE? JERRY Seven and five eighths GEORGE SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!! JERRY Why are you shouting? GEORGE I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here. (Elaine's) HAL So are you liking the mattress? ELAINE I am totally loving it. Uh, you know ... we should um ... get going. HAL What is that smell? ELAINE What smell? HAL I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it. ELAINE No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots. HAL Claming? ELAINE Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop. (Steinbrenner's office) STEINBRENNER Yes, yes, come in. GEORGE Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here. STEINBRENNER Just let me ask you something. Is it "February" or " February"? Because I prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"? (phone rinSTEINBRENNER) GEORGE Let me put that on speaker phone. STEINBRENNER Hello are you the bomber? JERRY Yes this is the terrorist bomber. STEINBRENNER Costanza here is busting his ass on those hats. JERRY think I've changed my mind. STEINBRENNER You don't want them, then goodbye. GEORGE ??? sir. STEINBRENNER Well what do you want instead? JERRY What? STEINBRENNER Well, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something. JERRY I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out. STEINBRENNER All right George, you can handle that. (George hanSTEINBRENNER up phone) STEINBRENNER Costanza what the hell are you doing? GEORGE You have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone. STEINBRENNER You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm going, pal. And I'll tell you something else. I'm very nervous. (On the street) ELAINE Gotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza. HAL It's just more cheese. ELAINE I'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer! KRAMER Oh, hey, ELAINE Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal. KRAMER Hal, .. uh Langerhans. HAL Kitzmiller. KRAMER Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right ELAINE You feeling jiff? KRAMER Oh, I'm jiff. HAL That smell... KRAMER Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can. ELAINE Oh, baby. (Under George's desk) (alarm clock) GEORGE Lunch. (At the river) HAL Kramer? Can I talk to you a minute? KRAMER Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . . HAL Kitzmiller. KRAMER That's it. HAL You and Elaine are pretty close. KRAMER Oh, we go back a ways. HAL And you've, . . . how do I put this? You've been in her bed? KRAMER That's right. HAL But this isn't still going on. KRAMER No, no. She put a stop to that. HAL That's all I needed to know. So you actually swim in this thing? KRAMER Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back. HAL Great for the back. Right. KRAMER Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup. {George's office)) STEINBRENNER "Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, ..." Hey George, I remember that tune. George? George? Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh, oooh,...wo wo wo wo . (runs out) fire in the hole! (Elaine's) ELAINE I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . . (Jerry's) CONRAD You want it back the way it was? JERRY Yeah, that's right. CONRAD You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision. (phone rinSTEINBRENNER) JERRY One second. Hello. ELAINE Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out. JERRY Just lie down. ELAINE I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me. JERRY All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go. CONRAD Stay, go whatever. (At the river, Hall and more people) HAL Hey, Kramer. KRAMER What's going on? HAL I told my Chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back heal. He recommended it to all his patients. OLD MAN Step aside. KRAMER He just sunk like a stone. (Steinbrenner's office) GEORGE Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter. STEINBRENNER Don't be so sure George. Mess with them and they're messing with you. All right boys send it in (bomb disposal robot enters George's office) STEINBRENNER What's that figure ahead? Is that anything? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. Search each one of those drawers starting with the top one. So, empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie? BOMB COP Looks like there's more compartments underneath. STEINBRENNER Compartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip. I'll tell you what George. Starting tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite tables and four leSTEINBRENNER. (East River) KRAMER Hey, watch where you're kicking! ELAINE Kramer. KRAMER Elaine ELAINE I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Yeah. (Jerry's) GEORGE Hi Connie, Jerry around? CONRAD No, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard what happened to the desk. GEORGE There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space. CONRAD Yeah, well, whatever. See ya' (Later at Jerry's) (Jerry enters) JERRY Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat! THE END |
THE BIZARRO JERRY | THE BIZARRO JERRY Written by David Mandel (JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a zoo.) JERRY All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens. GEORGE Fine. JERRY They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus? GEORGE I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule. JERRY But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet! GEORGE I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth.. JERRY (resigned) At least it's show business.. GEORGE But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate. JERRY What if she's got no interest in you? GEORGE W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship. (TIME: 00:43) (Commercial Break) (Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building) (Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.) KRAMER George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store? GEORGE Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown! KRAMER (frustrated) Wha?? JERRY (dry) He knows. GEORGE {Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha! KRAMER (impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later. GEORGE You sure? JERRY (dry) He knows. (KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them. She could be a model.) GEORGE Wow. Nice. JERRY Why don't you try your engagement story? GEORGE (considers, but got into elevator) Won't work. JERRY Are you sure? GEORGE (wry) He knows. (Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored, dreading.) ELAINE Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her SANDWICH) KEVIN Friends? ELAINE Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge. KEVIN Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry! (Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".) (Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.) MAN (frustrated) Damn thing is jammed again.. KRAMER You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it) MAN #2 (rushing by, tense) Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now. MAN Come on, let's go. KRAMER (absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them) (Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.) ELAINE (to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call. JERRY (doubtful) I don't know, do you have a-- (ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.) JERRY Not bad. Wuh--what does she-- ELAINE (dry) I put her stats on the back. JERRY Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" (ELAINE had echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it) GEORGE Hnn! Let me see that. JERRY (hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky? ELAINE (laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends. JERRY Why would anybody want a friend. ELAINE (dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do. JERRY I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid.. GEORGE (still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fianc�e.. JERRY What? GEORGE Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come and go as I please! ELAINE (wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY) GEORGE (getting up) Can I keep this? ELAINE No, I need it. GEORGE (absently leaving with it) Thanks. (The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).) GEORGE Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay.. AMANDA I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here.. GEORGE (taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh! Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view) AMANDA Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she? GEORGE (humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fianc�e, Susan. May she rest in peace. AMANDA Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda. GEORGE (shaking hands) I'm George. (As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.) MAN3 Good work today, K-man! KRAMER Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. MAN3 Heh, heh! KRAMER {You want a drink? I'm buyin'.} MAN3 In that case, make mine a double! (They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.) (Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.) GILLIAN Jerry? JERRY Gillian. Hiii.. GILLIAN Very nice to meet you. JERRY It's nice to meet you! (They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice enough, but big, beefy.) (Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.) JERRY She had man-hands. ELAINE (pause) Man, Hands? JERRY The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast. ELAINE (weary) {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all? JERRY Would she have hooks? ELAINE Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry? JERRY Kinda cool lookin'.. ELAINE (getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place tomorrow}-- JERRY (leaving too) Yeah. Yeah. ELAINE Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}. JERRY Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call-- ELAINE (weary) Jerry! (Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom, tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit and oven mitts.) JERRY Kramer?! KRAMER Hey buddy! Hey! JERRY It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?! KRAMER Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine. JERRY Why?? KRAMER Because I'm workin' there, that's why. JERRY (disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this? KRAMER Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly? JERRY (snaps fingers) Now that you mention it. KRAMER But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with. JERRY How much are they payin' you? KRAMER Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me. JERRY Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day? KRAMER T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa--I gotta go. JERRY All right. KRAMER (leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase. JERRY W-w-wha' you got in there? KRAMER (as he leaves with it) Crackers. (MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER: Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). Washing his shoes at the water cooler. Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.) (JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.) JERRY So the picture worked. Amazing! GEORGE Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that? JERRY I don't know, but you don't have it. GEORGE Right. Bye. (ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know why so shrugs back.) ELAINE Where were you today? JERRY What? ELAINE Pick. Up. JERRY (whispers) Damn. ELAINE So? Where were you?! JERRY Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper. ELAINE (irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up! JERRY So? What are friends for? ELAINE Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite. JERRY So he's Bizarro Jerry! ELAINE (pause) Bizarro Jerry? JERRY Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives. ELAINE (pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"? JERRY No. It's still a goodbye. ELAINE Uh. Does he live underwater? JERRY No. ELAINE Is he black.. JERRY Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right? (KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.) KRAMER Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice) JERRY Tough day at the office? KRAMER Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop. JERRY Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion. KRAMER Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, I'm toast.. ({takes a swig and reacts}) (Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous women and GEORGE and AMANDA.) GEORGE This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant! (Three female MODELS come up to them.) MODEL #1 Hey! Amanda! AMANDA These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together. GEORGE Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! AMANDA So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time? MODEL #2 (petulant) A bore. GEORGE You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fianc�e, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her.. (shows them the picture) MODEL #3 (awed) Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance? (Exterior of a restaurant.) (Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.) (GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his horror of her hands.) GILLIAN Would you like some bread, Jerry? JERRY No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry. GILLIAN Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands) JERRY (to self) Oh. Twist off.. GILLIAN You have a little something on your face. JERRY I can get it. (feeling his face) GILLIAN Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. (reaches over) (A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small thing. He's uneasy.) GILLIAN (friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish. (Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.) JERRY I don't want to. GILLIAN Make a wish. JERRY Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true. GILLIAN (smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster? (Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.) (Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.) KEVIN That Museum of Miniatures was amazing. ELAINE I know, he's so tiny! (Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning ELAINE to come along.) KEVIN Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call "Feldman!" (GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.) ELAINE (to self in head) Bizarro world.. (TIME: 10:33) (Commercial Break) (Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.) GEORGE (delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see! JERRY Then it does exist. GEORGE Yes. The legends are true. JERRY So when are you goin' out with this girl again? GEORGE I'm not! I'm inside the walls! JERRY So you're gonna burn that bridge. GEORGE Flame on! (Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE comes and sits with them.) GENE (about the check) I got it. KEVIN (grabs it) No. You got it last time. GENE (calmly takes it) Don't worry about it. ELAINE (to self in head) This is unbelievable.. FELDMAN Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up? ELAINE Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman! FELDMAN Nah, it's not--it's just not practical. KEVIN (getting up) Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. (the three guys are leaving) ELAINE What are you gonna do down there? KEVIN Read! ELAINE (pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello? (At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe eating cereal and orange juice.) JERRY So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it. KRAMER Uh-huh. JERRY Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, {steer}. KRAMER Yeah.. JERRY Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets. KRAMER That's nice.. JERRY Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk! KRAMER Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?-- JERRY I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning-- KRAMER Oh here we go-- JERRY An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore! KRAMER What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?! JERRY (pause) It's your third day.. KRAMER (grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves) JERRY Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late! (ELAINE's arrived.) ELAINE What? What is goin' on with you two? JERRY Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.. ELAINE All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (LEAVING) JERRY Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore. ELAINE (stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's.. JERRY The Bizarro coffeeshop? ELAINE Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read.. JERRY I read. ELAINE Books, Jerry. JERRY (pause) Oh. Big deal.. ELAINE Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event.. JERRY {What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like-- ELAINE I'll see you later man. I gotta go. JERRY (frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down! (GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup of Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the sink--the dryer's still running.) GEORGE Hello? Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. Bye-bye. (hangs up) (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No! (At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.) GILLIAN Friends. Just friends. JERRY Yeah. GILLIAN Yeah. All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later? JERRY I wish I could, but, we're friends.. GILLIAN I'm just gonna go, wash my hands. JERRY Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah. GEORGE (frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city! JERRY (to drive him crazy) Who is this.. GEORGE Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you! JERRY (pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time? GEORGE Yes! Yes, all right--anything! (JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.) JERRY Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh! (Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.) KRAMER Jerry. Hey Jerry? JERRY I'm right here. (note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late. KRAMER Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand? JERRY Like you care. KRAMER The work piled up, I lost track of time-- JERRY (calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two. KRAMER You cooked? JERRY (calm) I ordered in. It's still effort. KRAMER (in pain) Ow! Jeez! JERRY What's wrong? KRAMER {Ow!} It's my stomach. JERRY You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us. KRAMER (putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want. JERRY The coffeeshop? KRAMER You got it, buddy. JERRY (pleased) I'll call George! (Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a shop by a liquor store.) JERRY Hey. Isn't that Elaine? GEORGE (quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine! JERRY Elaine! KRAMER Elaine! ALL THREE Elaine! Elaine! (ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and FELDMAN.) KEVIN Hey! Elaine! Hi-i! Over here! (Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like a bizarre mirroring.) ELAINE Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman. (The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet you..") JERRY (quietly crept out) This is really weird.. (KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.) ELAINE (diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment. KEVIN Sure. (strolls away with his friends) ELAINE (pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want.. GEORGE Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian. JERRY I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket! (While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar money.) KEVIN {Here ya are.} ELAINE (pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. Take it easy. (GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.) GEORGE Elaine? (she turns, sighing) Can I come? ELAINE I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George.. (KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.) (Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's a greying man.) KRAMER What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland? LELAND Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks. KRAMER Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.. LELAND No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all.. I don't know what this is supposed to be! KRAMER Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.. LELAND Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on. KRAMER I don't even really work here! LELAND That's what makes this so difficult. (Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.) GEORGE Hi. George. MODEL #4 Are you sure you're supposed to be here? GEORGE Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fianc�e, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her picture. (hands her a magazine page) MODEL #4 What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something? GEORGE Huh? MODEL #5 That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did.. GEORGE Ha! Heh. (Muscled BOUNCER comes up.) BOUNCER Let's go. Private party. (escorts him out) (Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have more earth tones.) KEVIN Who is it? ELAINE (off-camera) It's Lainey! KEVIN (unlocks, opens door) Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her) ELAINE Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! KEVIN Come on in! ELAINE Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair that's to the right) (As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall. There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He has whole foods, not cereal boxes.) ELAINE What's up? KEVIN (friendly) Just reading.. (ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.) KEVIN Hey.. What're you doing? ELAINE Eatin' olives. KEVIN Have you ever heard of asking? (door bell rings) Who is it? FELDMAN (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall. KEVIN (drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks and opens door) Hey. FELDMAN He-ey, Kevin! KEVIN Hi. FELDMAN Look who I ran into. (VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.) VARGUS (testy) Hello, Kevin.. KEVIN (testy) Hello, Vargus.. (They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.) KEVIN Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend? VARGUS Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves) KEVIN Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus.. (to FELDMAN) {So?} FELDMAN I got 'em.. KEVIN All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi! ELAINE Oh! (comes to him) KEVIN (enthused) Fourth row, center. ELAINE Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!) (GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!) GENE (to ELAINE) What is the matter with you? ELAINE Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? GENE? Haven't you done enough already? (Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the locks.) ELAINE (turning to them, awkward) It's locked.. (The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps into a side of beef in his distraction.) JERRY So this is it, huh? GEORGE But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor.. JERRY (dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Get out of here George. (Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.) (TIME: 10:52) (Commercial Break) (Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady Bunch"-esque sound effects.) (Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.) GENE At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance. KEVIN Oh, so what did you do? GENE I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error. KEVIN Nice. (doorbell rings) Who is it? FELDMAN (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall. KEVIN (smiles, relieved) Hold on. (GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.) FELDMAN Kevin! Brought some groceries. KEVIN Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that! FELDMAN Hey, what are friends for? KEVIN You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have. (They have a long smarmy group hug.) KEVIN (eyes closed in hug) Oh. Me so happy. Me want to cry. THE END |
THE SMELLY CAR | THE SMELLY CAR Written by Larry David & Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) JERRY ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell YOU SOMETHING if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either. JERRY Is that bothering you? ELAINE No, not at all... ELAINE Oh, could you please hurry? JERRY (mockingly) "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become. ELAINE What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything... JERRY Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes? ELAINE I don't want to keep him waiting... JERRY He'll like you more... ELAINE That's impossible... WIFE Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table? HUSBAND Leave me alone. JERRY Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon... JERRY So, where am I dropping you? ELAINE His place... JERRY This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment... ELAINE *And* he gets the rest of my chicken... JERRY So, is tonight "the night"? ELAINE You never know... JERRY Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*! JERRY Boy, do you smell something? ELAINE Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something. JERRY What is it? ELAINE I think it's B.O.! JERRY What? ELAINE It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O. JERRY It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this. ELAINE Jerry. It's *B*.*O*. JERRY But the whole car smells. ELAINE So? JERRY So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. ELAINE I can't believe you ski! CARL I'm a great skier. ELAINE Yeah? What else? CARL Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder... ELAINE (delightedly) Oh! You "pillage and plunder"? CARL ...When I travel. ELAINE See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky. GEORGE This'll only take a second. KRAMER Yeah, I'm going to poke around... GEORGE (to himself) Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that... GEORGE (to himself) Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do? SUSAN George? GEORGE (to himself) Argh! (to Susan) Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?! SUSAN Renting a video! What do you got there? GEORGE Oh, ... some stupid movie... SUSAN This is Mona. GEORGE Oh, hi... MONA Pleasure to meet you. GEORGE Yes. Well... MONA Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up. SUSAN You okay? GEORGE Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time. SUSAN And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman. GEORGE Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to? SUSAN I *know* who I'm talking to. GEORGE Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, that, uh... SUSAN I liked women? GEORGE There you go. GEORGE So, uh, how long has this been going on? SUSAN Since you and I broke up. GEORGE Ssssso, after me, you... went that way? SUSAN Yeah. GEORGE Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice. SUSAN So, what have you got there? GEORGE Oh, I, uh-- SUSAN Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' GEORGE It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually. SUSAN Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh? GEORGE No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity. It's... *sidal* nudity... CLERK Next. GEORGE Oh, that's me. SUSAN Alright, well... Good seeing you, George. GEORGE Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the whole thing, there. CLERK Uh, what are you returning? GEORGE (embarrassed pause) ``Rochelle, Rochelle''. CLERK Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"... CLERK Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49. GEORGE $3.49? It says $1.49. CLERK Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not rewinding. GEORGE What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage! KRAMER George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction. GEORGE I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again... JERRY So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night... ELAINE Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car. JERRY What about skunk? ELAINE I don't mind skunk. JERRY Horse manure? ELAINE I *loooove* horse manure. JERRY Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it. ELAINE Absolutely. ELAINE Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean? JERRY It means he's lying. ELAINE Wow... JERRY Why? Is that what he told you? ELAINE Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some time... JERRY No. Never. ELAINE Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning. JERRY Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex. ELAINE Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? JERRY Anything's *possible*... JERRY What's the matter with you? KRAMER Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life... JERRY Oh yeah, Steinbrenner... KRAMER I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff... JERRY I know the list... KRAMER What's that smell? JERRY What smell? KRAMER Ooooh... You stink. JERRY Whatd'ya mean I stink? KRAMER You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower? JERRY I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car! ELAINE So? JERRY Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive! ELAINE If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me! KRAMER What happened? JERRY What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path. GEORGE What is that? B.O.? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE This is *unbelievable* B.O. JERRY I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it. GEORGE So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this? JERRY No, no. It's the valet guy. GEORGE No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism. JERRY Oh... No, that's ridiculous. GEORGE What if her experience with me *drove* her to it? JERRY Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism. GEORGE The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* been with a guy. GEORGE Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.! JERRY There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush... GEORGE Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her. JERRY Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought... JERRY Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back! RESTAURATEUR What do you mean-- "stunk up"? JERRY I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink? GEORGE Stinks. JERRY Stinks! RESTAURATEUR Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour... JERRY Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy! RESTAURATEUR Really? Well, I smell you now. JERRY That's from the car! RESTAURATEUR Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you! GEORGE Oh, it's the chicken and the egg... JERRY Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse. RESTAURATEUR I don't have time to smell cars. GEORGE Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source... JERRY You've gotta smell the car RESTAURATEUR I'm a busy man JERRY C'mon! One whiff! RESTAURATEUR Alright, one whiff... RESTAURATEUR Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out! JERRY Alright, will you pay for the cleaning? RESTAURATEUR Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars! RESTAURATEUR I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven dollars... (sarcastically) "...erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"... CARL The valet had such bad B.O.? ELAINE: OH, MAN, JUST *RAMPANT*, MUTANT B.O. THE "O" WENT FROM THE valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so... CARL That's a relief... ELAINE What? CARL It's still there... ELAINE No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated! GEORGE Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis. CLERK That'll be $98.00. GEORGE What $98.00? CLERK That's what I said. $98.00. GEORGE How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!? GEORGE So, was it me? SUSAN Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? (Gives him the $35) Here. GEORGE Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back. SUSAN Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go. GEORGE Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work? SUSAN You're an idiot. GEORGE Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question. SUSAN I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad. GEORGE It's not me! It's the car! MONA I didn't think I'd come. KRAMER I knew you would. MONA Oh, Kramer! CAR WASHER We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri. JERRY Let's do it. HAIRDRESSER The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce. ELAINE Tomato Sauce? JERRY Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells! CARL It still smells. JERRY It still smells! GEORGE How could it still smell after all that? JERRY I don't know! GEORGE Well, what are you gonna do? JERRY I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car! GEORGE You're *selling* the car!? JERRY You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it. GEORGE Maybe I'll buy it. JERRY Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing! ELAINE I still smell! JERRY You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast! SUSAN Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there! JERRY Susan! SUSAN Kramer! JERRY What is going on? SUSAN You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me. GEORGE He stole your girlfriend? SUSAN Yes. She's in *love* with him. GEORGE Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back. JERRY That's the *least* of what you've accomplished... ELAINE Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her *entire* life-- KRAMER I'm Kramer. GEORGE I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want? SUSAN I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*. GEORGE Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls... SUSAN You think so? GEORGE Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian. SUSAN You're very sweet... GEORGE Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind. SUSAN Really? GEORGE Yeah, you're just so... hip. GEORGE Oh, my God... SUSAN What? GEORGE It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me. ALLISON George? GEORGE Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you? ALLISON Good. You know, you owe me $50... GEORGE Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison. ALLISON Nice to meet you... SUSAN Nice to meet you... ALLISON That's a beautiful vest... SUSAN Thank you... KRAMER I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge. SALESMAN What year did you say this was? JERRY '90. KRAMER Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early. JERRY That's strange... SALESMAN How many miles you got on this thing? JERRY 23 000. KRAMER And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket... JERRY Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast! SALESMAN I can't sell this car. JERRY: THIS... THING... HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED! HAIRDRESSER So, what do you want to do? ELAINE Sauce me. JERRY Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin' out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important. THE END |
THE CONVERSION | THE CONVERSION Written by Bruce Kirschbaum (Comedy club) JERRY You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think I'm not, just check it out." I don't know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I'll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they're talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants. (Commercial) At a restaurant. GEORGE Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND Twenty five dollars. GEORGE Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking about the price. You know you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster. GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem. GEORGE We do? GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND We can't keep seeing each other. GEORGE Why? GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND (crying) Because it's over. *sob, sob, sob* It's my parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? *sob* WAITER Uh, have you decided yet? GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND (crying) Yes. I'll have the lobster. GEORGE Um, you know I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go. The hallway outside Jerry's apartment. JERRY Then he asked you out? ELAINE We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart. JERRY On your heart? ELAINE Jerry, the man is a doctor. JERRY Doctor? He's a podiatrist. ELAINE It's the same thing. JERRY Anyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry school. ELAINE Really? JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Hello. JERRY Oh hi. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Are you going to be stopping by later? JERRY Yes, I'll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can't all be dating podiatrists. They enter Jerry's apartment. GEORGE It's over. ELAINE What? JERRY How did you get in? GEORGE Kramer. ELAINE What's that? GEORGE Lobster. JERRY Looks like a swan. GEORGE She says we can't go out anymore. ELAINE Why? GEORGE Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won't let her get involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox. ELAINE Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster. JERRY She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad. GEORGE I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that's not entirely true. ELAINE Mmm, delicious. JERRY Mmm, succulent. GEORGE She knew I didn't have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn't seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman. ELAINE Why don't you just ask her parents? GEORGE I can't. I met them. They're devout. You know, In the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting. JERRY To Latvian Orthodox? GEORGE Why not? What do I care? JERRY You know it's not like changing toothpaste. ELAINE I think it would be romantic. GEORGE Really? ELAINE Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh. GEORGE King Edward. King Edward, Jerry. JERRY Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza. GEORGE You know what? I could probably do this. What's the difference. ELAINE George I was just kidding around. GEORGE No. I wouldn't even have to tell her. I could surprise her. ELAINE George I wasn't serious. GEORGE How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to think about this. George leaves. ELAINE I guess this one is my fault. JERRY Oh yeah. At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser? JERRY Oh I don't know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Well it was worth it. *kiss* I'll be *kiss* right *kiss* back *kiss*. Where are you going? JERRY To wash my hands. They're sticky from the orange. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Meet you back here? JERRY Right there. Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in. JERRY (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus? At Monk's. JERRY Fungicide. I mean what could she have? ELAINE I don't know. KRAMER Fungus. ELAINE So what did you say? JERRY I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home. ELAINE What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet? JERRY I didn't open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little. ELAINE You were snooping. JERRY I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that. KRAMER I would. I always open medicine cabinets. ELAINE Well I trust people not to do that. KRAMER Big mistake. JERRY Why don't you ask that doctor what it is? ELAINE What? Now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist. JERRY But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- deep in fungus. This guy know fungus. ELAINE I am not going to ask him about funguses. KRAMER Fungi. JERRY What? KRAMER Fungi. In the priest's office. (boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode... ;) ) FATHER-PRIEST Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith? GEORGE *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um... (trying to think of a word) FATHER-PRIEST Enigmatic? GEORGE No. FATHER-PRIEST Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost") GEORGE No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost") FATHER-PRIEST Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion. GEORGE Yes. FATHER-PRIEST 2 Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive? GEORGE (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious. FATHER-PRIEST Are you familiar with Orthodox theology? GEORGE Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah. FATHER-PRIEST Plot? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that. FATHER-PRIEST 2 Well it's obvious that you are sincere in your desire. GEORGE Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in? FATHER-PRIEST The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books). GEORGE Ah hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change? Sister Roberta enters. SISTER ROBERTA Oh I'm sorry. Father, there's a man waiting in the chapel. FATHER-PRIEST You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church. SISTER ROBERTA Oh are you? That's wonderful. Well good luck to you. GEORGE Nice nun. FATHER-PRIEST No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice. FATHER-PRIEST 2 She won't be taking her final vows until next Thursday. In the chapel. SISTER ROBERTA May I help you? KRAMER Oh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend George Costanza. SISTER ROBERTA Well he's in with the Father. KRAMER Oh yeah. SISTER ROBERTA I'm Sister Roberta. KRAMER Oh. Kramer. Pleasure. SISTER ROBERTA Mine. (she smiles at Kramer) At Jerry's apartment. GEORGE I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club. JERRY That's all there is to it. GEORGE That's all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza. JERRY And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza? GEORGE Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence. Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky. JERRY Oh a slinky. Where did you get it? KRAMER Sister Roberta gave it to me. JERRY Why did she give you that? KRAMER I think she liked me. JERRY What do you mean she liked you? KRAMER *Liked* me. GEORGE Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people. KRAMER No. I think I picked up on a vibe. JERRY You picked up on a vibe, from a nun. KRAMER Yeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it. Kramer leaves. Jerry's girlfriend appears at the doorway. JERRY Oh hi. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling. JERRY (weakly) A little better. *fake cough* JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND If you need anything let me know. JERRY Okay. All right bye. GEORGE Story. JERRY She's subletting Carol's place for a month. GEORGE She likes you. JERRY Yeah but there's a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet. GEORGE So? JERRY So I don't know what she's using it for. GEORGE Well how do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube? JERRY I didn't even think to look. GEORGE Well take a look. It might not even belong to her. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet. JERRY Yeah I've got this old bottle of cough medicine. GEORGE I still have brill cream. At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. Jerry knocks on the door *knock, knock, knock* JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Hi. JERRY Hi. Can I use your bathroom? At the doctor's apartment. ELAINE You sure you don't mind? DOCTOR No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time. ELAINE Well the question isn't even for me it's for a friend. DOCTOR Elaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor. ELAINE Well... podiatrist. DOCTOR Huh? ELAINE No no, I'm just saying you didn't really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's own way. DOCTOR I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet. ELAINE I like feet too. I'm just saying... DOCTOR Saying what? In Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. She knocks on the bathroom door. *knock, knock, knock* JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND How are you doing in there? JERRY Fine all done, just looking for the soap. Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND No soap? JERRY No I don't see it. Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry's girlfriend enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in his pocket. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go. At George's parent's house. George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books. *knock, knock, knock* ESTELLE George what are you doing in there? GEORGE What? Nothing. FRANK You've been in there an hour. ESTELLE You don't feel well? GEORGE I'm fine. ESTELLE I want to know what you're doing in there. GEORGE Nothing. FRANK George, open the door. GEORGE No. ESTELLE Georgie. GEORGE No! At Kramer's apartment. Sister Roberta is knocking on the door. *knock, knock, knock* KRAMER Hey. SISTER ROBERTA Good evening. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like. (Commercial) At Jerry's Apartment. JERRY Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I'll need that in the form of a question. GEORGE I don't know. I can't believe they're making me take this test. Elaine enters. JERRY Hey, did you talk to the doctor? ELAINE No. JERRY All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.) ELAINE You *took* her medicine. JERRY Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again? ELAINE I don't know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren't real doctors. JERRY How could you say that? ELAINE It's you fault. You just got me thinking. JERRY I was merely speaking extemporaneously. ELAINE I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot. JERRY Me too. ELAINE Do you think I should call him and apologize? JERRY Yes. He's a doctor. Elaine starts to leave. JERRY Wait a second. Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse. JERRY (to George) What are you doing? GEORGE What does it look like I'm doing? JERRY (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what you're cheating on your conversion chest? Kramer enters. KRAMER I told you. JERRY What? KRAMER I told you she liked me. JERRY Who? KRAMER Sister Roberta. JERRY How do you know? KRAMER She told me. She said she's never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking of leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry, I'm very very dangerous. At the priest's office. FATHER-PRIEST I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord. GEORGE Oh, I'm I'm full of it Father. FATHER-PRIEST 2 (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) ...(mumble)... Kramer ...(mumble)... FATHER-PRIEST Yes, yes I see. (To George) I'm sorry something has come up. GEORGE Oh, I understand. Kramer enters. KRAMER Um, you wanted to see me Father? FATHER-PRIEST Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday. KRAMER I know what this is about Father. I didn't do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, that I have this power. FATHER-PRIEST Yes. Kavorka. (I wouldn't mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ) KRAMER Kavorka? FATHER-PRIEST It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal". KRAMER I don't understand. FATHER-PRIEST Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you. KRAMER Help me Father. Help me. FATHER-PRIEST Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces... The hallway by Jerry's apartment. JERRY What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer's door) Ah hah. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. What are you doing? KRAMER I've got the Kavorka Jerry. JERRY The Kavorka? What's that? KRAMER The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous. JERRY What is this thing around your neck? KRAMER The priests they're helping me. I just bathed in vinegar. JERRY You know you're funcifying the whole building. KRAMER Keep away Jerry. Keep away. He closes his door. JERRY Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer. +---------------------+ | CONVERSION CEREMONY | | FOR | | GEORGE COSTANZA | | 3 P.M. | | | | | | | +---------------------+ The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters. A woman reads the sign. WOMAN George Costanza? Estelle's son? At George's parent's house. ESTELLE Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this? GEORGE For a woman. FRANK A woman? What are you out of your mind? ESTELLE Why can't you do anything like a normal person? FRANK Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels? GEORGE No it's a regular religion. FRANK I'm calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this. GEORGE I don't want to get out of it. ESTELLE George, you don't know what you're saying. You're under their control. FRANK What, they brainwashed you? GEORGE No no. FRANK You're not performing any rituals in this house. ESTELLE Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you. FRANK And stay away from those squirrels. At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND Oh how you doing Jerry? JERRY Good. What's the matter? JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND I'm tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy. JERRY Bonkers? JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND My cat. He's got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine. JERRY Oh it's your cat! JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND What? JERRY Ooh, nothing. At the church. FATHER-PRIEST Are you ready my son? GEORGE Yes faddah. FATHER-PRIEST What did you say? GEORGE What? FATHER-PRIEST I thought you said faddah. GEORGE I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous. Outside on a sidewalk. A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her. KRAMER How you doing? WOMAN Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.) KRAMER Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I've still got time to catch her. At the church. It is George's conversion ceremony. Church music plays. George is dressed in a white church gown. He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle. Father-priest says some Latvian words. Kramer is running down the street going to the church. The church music is still playing. George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a hand motion on his gown. Kramer is still running to the church. The church music is still playing. FATHER-PRIEST Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction. SISTER ROBERTA (hesitates) I can't. (crowd murmurs) I'm sorry. It's a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else. Kramer enters the church. SISTER ROBERTA Him. CROWD Kavorka, Kavorka. At Elaine's apartment. ELAINE *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot. DOCTOR Well it's my fault. I got a little defensive. ELAINE And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe. DOCTOR It's my favorite toe. ELAINE Let's face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You're not going to the ear guy. DOCTOR No you're not. *phone rings* ELAINE I'll be right back. DOCTOR Oh uh, where's the bathroom? ELAINE It's right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here. JERRY Elaine it's her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back. The doctor is in Elaine's bathroom. He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide. DOCTOR (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus? At the church. SISTER ROBERTA Something's wrong. I don't feel the same lure. KRAMER You don't? SISTER ROBERTA What have I...? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink. KRAMER Yeah yeah. (Commercial) At Monk's GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND For me? GEORGE Well I didn't do it for my mother. GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND I'm really flattered. But I just don't feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia. GEORGE Latvia? GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND Yes. I'm going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn't it great? GEORGE Enjoy, enjoy. GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND Oh George, you are so sweet. Don't ever change. GEORGE I'd like a doggie bag for this please. THE END |
THE PILOT PART 2 | THE PILOT PART 2 Written by Larry David (NBC, pilot's set) (Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers) TOM What do you mean made up? JERRY It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish. TOM You're crazy. JERRY No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish? MICHAEL What do you mean Danish? GEORGE (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael) JERRY Danish. Is it from Denmark? MICHAEL No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name. TOM I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry. RITA (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly) GEORGE Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference? TOM I'm not gonna say it like that. GEORGE Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy) YELLING GUY (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five. GEORGE (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five! JERRY George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines. GEORGE Why is that? JERRY I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing? GEORGE Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins? JERRY Why would he steal a box of raisins? GEORGE Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously) (scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers) RITA (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell? RUSSELL What? RITA You O.K.? RUSSELL Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves) (scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy of the script) SANDI What's the matter? JERRY Nothing. SANDI You're acting weird. Is anything wrong? JERRY No. SANDI Are you breaking up with me? JERRY Are we going out? SANDI You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying) JERRY Do you want me to break up with you? SANDI If that's what you want. JERRY I don't even know what you're talking about. SANDI Fine. Break up with me. JERRY All right. We're broken up. SANDI (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on) (scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage) GEORGE Remember when you came to audition for us? TOM Yeah. GEORGE There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left? TOM What are you talking about? GEORGE Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you. TOM Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins? GEORGE Oh, no, no-- TOM (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!? GEORGE No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously) TOM Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.? GEORGE Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really. (scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine) RUSSELL (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him) DAVID Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry. RUSSELL All right. All right. What's your name? DAVID David Richardson. RUSSELL Get out! You're fired! DAVID But Mr. Dalrimple-- RUSSELL Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves) (scene ends) (Jerry's) GEORGE The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days. JERRY Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying. GEORGE What do you mean? JERRY Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing! GEORGE Come on you're... uh... you're fine. JERRY This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this. GEORGE What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease. JERRY This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind. GEORGE The guy playing Kramer threatened me. JERRY Why? GEORGE 'cause I asked him about the raisins. JERRY You mentioned the raisins. GEORGE Oh yeah. JERRY Did he take 'em? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em? GEORGE That's what I'm trying to find out. (Kramer enters slowly and carefully) JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Any luck? KRAMER No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis. JERRY What about bran? JERRY Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus. KRAMER Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area. JERRY Oh, it's not that bad! GEORGE Yes it is. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway. JERRY (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night? ELAINE No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit. JERRY Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you. ELAINE Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable. JERRY We need you there! ELAINE (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go? KRAMER No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves) (scene ends) (NBC, pilot's set, the taping) The taping is about to begin. People are walking into the studio. Jerry is getting a makeup. Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated. Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing. George looks at his lip in a mirror. Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins. Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses. Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus. Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done. SANDI (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall! ASSISTANT DRESSER Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi? JERRY Try Elaine. ASSISTANT DRESSER Elaine? SANDI Yes? (scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder) WILTON Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember? ELAINE Oh, right. WILTON Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit. (scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry and runs to him) MICHAEL I can't remember my lines!!! JERRY Just relax, you'll be fine. MICHAEL I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em! JERRY You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing! MICHAEL Help me Jerry! Help me! (scene cuts to the producers in the crowd) RITA (to Stu) Where is Russell? STU You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. JAY He hasn't been well. STU (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman. RITA How pathetic. (scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier) GEORGE This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up) (scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there) (scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus) (scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip) GEORGE (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh. TOM How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat? (scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd) PAT HAZELL Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right. (scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing his bathroom's door.) (scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd) JERRY Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry-- JOE DEVOLA (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling) (scene ends) (Jerry's) GEORGE Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin? JERRY Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln. GEORGE Really? What does it mean? JERRY It means: "Death to tyrants". GEORGE I can see that. (Elaine enters) ELAINE See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already? JERRY No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal? ELAINE Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it. GEORGE Yeah, me too. JERRY Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him? ELAINE No. JERRY Strange. Even not showing up at the taping... (Kramer enters, singing and dancing) KRAMER Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!! JERRY Well, well, well. ELAINE Congratulations. KRAMER Well, thank you. GEORGE You went for the big "E". KRAMER Wet and wild. JERRY All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start. KRAMER Oh, yes. (Elaine finds something under the couch cushions) ELAINE Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet. JERRY A wallet? Let me see that. ELAINE Here. JERRY Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time. GEORGE Shh! This is it! JERRY How do you like that? (Jerry's) Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot. (TV) The pilot (Viewers) Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the pilot.) ===(TV)=== "I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?" ===(Jerry's)=== (they all applause as the intro ends) ELAINE Bravo! (Kramer taps George on the shoulder) GEORGE You hurt me. ===(TV)=== (Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters) MICHAEL Hey. JERRY Hey George. MICHAEL New sneakers? JERRY Yeah. MICHAEL What do you need new sneakers for? JERRY I like sneakers. MICHAEL How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day. JERRY Nah, you're crazy anyway. ===(Viewers)==== * (Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch) SUSAN AND ALLSION (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George! * (Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man') SID What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing) * (John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote in his hands) MARLA John, what are you doing? Come back to bed. JOHN (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with? MARLA Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible! JOHN Nevertheless... * (The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna) THE DRAKE Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein! ALLSION Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna) * (Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English) PING I can't believe you liked him. CHERYL I thought he was dark and disturbed. PING Real perceptive. * (Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing) DONALD This is a piece of crap! MOTHER Donald, you used to like him. DONALD What a sellout! Give me that remote! MEL No, Donald. (he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight) ===(Jerry's)=== (Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator) KRAMER Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over. JERRY All right. ELAINE You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler. JERRY Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin. ELAINE Really? JERRY Yeah. ===(TV)=== (doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles) JERRY Hello, Charles. CHARLES Hello. So, where do you want me to start today? JERRY Why don't you start in the bedroom? CHARLES (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom... (Tom enters) TOM Hey. JERRY Hey. The butler's here. TOM He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house. JERRY I'm not sending him to your house. TOM Why not? JERRY Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler. TOM Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do. JERRY But I don't want to. KRAMER Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on. (buzzer, Jerry presses the button) JERRY Yeah? SANDI (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine. JERRY Come on up. (The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge) CHARLES I need more Pledge. JERRY More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house! CHARLES Well, it goes fast. (Sandi enters) SANDI (to Charles, very friendly) Hello. CHARLES Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom) JERRY What's all this about? SANDI We had a date. JERRY You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? SANDI Why do I need your permission? JERRY Because he's my butler! ===(Viewers)=== * (Morty and Helen laughing) MORTY That's terrific! HELEN How could anyone not like him? * (Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick') C.K. I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance. TIA But he picks his nose. C.K. Nevertheless... * (Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant') SAL BASS He's a member of our health club. Isn't he? SIDRA Yeah... SAL BASS You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts? * (Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV) (TV) (final monologue at the comedy club) JERRY Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? (quick shot at (Jerry's) they all watch) JERRY You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you". (end of the pilot and of the three different settings) (back to Jerry's) ALL (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah! ELAINE Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly. JERRY Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up) ELAINE That was so good. JERRY Come on let's eat something. (phone rings) ELAINE You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich! GEORGE Do you really think so? ELAINE Oh yeah. GEORGE And God didn't kill me. JERRY (to the phone) Hello? RITA Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson. JERRY Oh, hi Rita. RITA I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network. JERRY Oh, my God. Did he get fired? RITA To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared. JERRY Russell's disappeared? RITA In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show. JERRY You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago! RITA Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry. JERRY Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up) (Jerry and George stare at Elaine) ELAINE What-- What are you looking at me for? GEORGE It was you! ELAINE What did I do? JERRY Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series? ELAINE I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault. GEORGE Yes it is! You're very charming! ELAINE I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he? JERRY No one knows. (scnen ends) (Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler) (Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat) RUSSELL She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me. MAN ON RAFT You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires) (scene ends) (Monk's) (The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters) JERRY Hey look at this. What is going on here? GEORGE Well, well, well. ELAINE Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here? FRED Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out. PAUL Yeah, we're checking it out. ELAINE (to Paul) You're checking it out? (a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table) MAN (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys. MR. VISAKI Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows. ELAINE (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this! MR. VISAKI Get away with what? ELAINE Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike. MR. VISAKI Of course they're alike. They're my daughters. (they all show smiles of surprise) ELAINE (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters. GEORGE You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki. MR. VISAKI Oh, here's a table for you. GEORGE A table right here. MR. VISAKI Peggy! GEORGE Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve. JERRY What a family! MR. VISAKI My daughter Peggy. GEORGE Ah! Peggy. Good to see you. ELAINE Hi Peggy. GEORGE Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow? JERRY What? GEORGE Start looking for a job. KRAMER You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea. GEORGE Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts. (scene ends) (Greenpeace raft) (Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.) MAN Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye! (we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean) THE END |
THE POSTPONEMENT | THE POSTPONEMENT Written by Larry David (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking his car ) ELAINE Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved. JERRY Really? What happened? ELAINE Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man. JERRY Isn't he the one with the show on cable? ELAINE Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on. JERRY That's great. ELAINE I know. (Kramer crashing into parking spot) JERRY That looks pretty good. ELAINE He's in. JERRY Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet. ELAINE What's to discuss? JERRY Come on! George: is getting married! ELAINE Is he happy? to sit with his bride-to-be. GEORGE I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor? SUSAN Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there. GEORGE Isn't that why we have locks on the doors? SUSAN Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken. GEORGE A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system. SUSAN Can we change the subject, please? GEORGE Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject? SUSAN No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it. GEORGE It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum. SUSAN Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum. GEORGE (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests. (Jerry's) JERRY Yeah, he seems pretty happy. ELAINE Well, that's all that counts, I guess. JERRY What's the matter? ELAINE Oh, nothin'. JERRY Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing. ELAINE Well, what do you want me to do? JERRY Well, at least have some reaction to it. ELAINE Well, I don't. JERRY Maybe you're a little jealous. ELAINE Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George:? JERRY No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him. ELAINE Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want. JERRY Oh, yeah. Right. ELAINE Yeah, right. JERRY Lainy! ELAINE Jerry:! JERRY You don't wanna get married? ELAINE Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married. JERRY Oh, come on! ELAINE Oh, you come on. JERRY You're such... (Kramer enters) KRAMER Oh, hey! JERRY Hey. KRAMER Elaine:, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this? ELAINE Oh, dear. KRAMER It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry:? JERRY We're gonna change the system. KRAMER Yes! ELAINE Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up. (Outside Elaine's place) ELAINE Oh, hello, Rabbi: Krischma. RABBI Elaine:! Always a pleasure to see you. ELAINE Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us. RABBI Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions. ELAINE Yeah, I suppose. RABBI Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled. ELAINE No, Rabbi:, I'm not myself. RABBI Come upstairs. We'll have a talk. AT JERRY 's apartment. George trots in after his lunch with Kiki and Big Jer is kicking back with a paper. JERRY Hey! GEORGE I want your honest opinion about something. JERRY Have I ever been less than forthright? GEORGE No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know. JERRY Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about? GEORGE All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor. JERRY Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot. GEORGE It's good, right? JERRY I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea. GEORGE You do? JERRY Yes, I do. GEORGE Well, I told it to Susan: before, and she didn't like it. JERRY Hmm. GEORGE Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?" JERRY See, now that I don't care for. GEORGE Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed? JERRY It should resolve of its own volition. GEORGE That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum". JERRY Momentum - same thing. GEORGE Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that? JERRY Yeah, I know. GEORGE Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look. JERRY You're turning. GEORGE Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little. JERRY If you need more time, you should have more time. GEORGE What, you think I could postpone it? JERRY Sure you can. Why not? GEORGE That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it? JERRY I don't see why not. GEORGE So, I could do that? JERRY Sure, go ahead. GEORGE All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring. JERRY Spring. Of course. GEORGE Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap. JERRY Beautiful. GEORGE She's not gonna like it. JERRY No, she's not. GEORGE You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her. JERRY Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed. GEORGE Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look. JERRY Yeah, you'd better shoot for March. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, hey. GEORGE March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right? JERRY Oh, all the way. GEORGE You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in. JERRY Is that so? JERRY Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in? KRAMER Definitely. JERRY You're kidding? KRAMER No, no, I would turn you in. JERRY You would turn me in? KRAMER Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it. JERRY I can't believe your a friend of mine. KRAMER What kind of person are you going around killing people? JERRY Well, I am sure I had a good reason. KRAMER Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next? JERRY But you know me! KRAMER I thought I DID! (Rabbi's apartment) ELAINE I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here. RABBI Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories ELAINE Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged . RABBI How wonderful. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment. RABBI Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions? ELAINE No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick. RABBI You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees. ELAINE Yeah, I don't know what that means. RABBI Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . . ELAINE You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive. RABBI You know my temple has many single functions. ELAINE No, no, it's okay. RABBI My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps ... ELAINE I don't think so. RABBI He owns a flower store. Very successful. (Outside Coffee shop) JERRY So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it. KRAMER Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. JERRY Another Caf� Latte? KRAMER You better believe it. KRAMER Since when are you so trendy? JERRY Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf� Latte? JERRY I don't recall you drinking Caf� Latte. KRAMER I've been drinking Caf� Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back. JERRY Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only. KRAMER I've always wanted to see this. JERRY You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it. KRAMER Well, yeah, lets do it uh? JERRY Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering. JERRY Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in. KRAMER Maybe I will. (George's) GEORGE Hi, SUSAN How was your day? GEORGE Good, good day. How was your day? SUSAN Mine was okay. So what's goin' on? GEORGE Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry. SUSAN Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night. GEORGE The Lowers, really? SUSAN You don't want to go? GEORGE No, I want to go. SUSAN So what did Jerry have to say? GEORGE Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today! SUSAN Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me. GEORGE Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this? SUSAN Yeah. GEORGE Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring. SUSAN What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding? GEORGE No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the ... SUSAN If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so. GEORGE Still marry , still marry. SUSAN You don't love me. GEORGE Sstill love. Still love. SUSAN My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake. GEORGE No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really. SUSAN Are you sure? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff. (Monk's) JERRY Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved. GEORGE How did you know that? JERRY I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath. GEORGE I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself. JERRY tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity. GEORGE You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out. JERRY Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after. GEORGE I didn't have any sex. JERRY You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship. GEORGE I didn't have make-up sex. JERRY In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit. GEORGE Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening! WOMAN (crying) MAN I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin' GEORGE Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich. MAN Are you going to eat thoise fries? GEORGE This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman) JERRY . . . Poor bastard. (Outside Elaine's) JERRY Good evening, Rabbi. RABBI Good evening. And how does this evening find you? JERRY Well, Rabbi, well. RABBI I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine. JERRY Yeah, that's right. RABBI I hope she's feeling better. JERRY What do you mean? RABBI She didn't tell you? JERRY No. RABBI Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile. JERRY is that so? RABBI Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married. JERRY Really? RABBI She came off as pretty desperate. JERRY I didn't know any of this. RABBI Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation. JERRY Hum, well it all comes as news to me. (George's apartment) G (enters) Hi. SUSAN Hi, how was your day? GEORGE Good, good day. How was your day? SUSAN Ah, it was okay. What's going on? GEORGE Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute? SUSAN Yeah, sure. GEORGE You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry) SUSAN George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want. GEORGE Yeah? SUSAN Oh, don't worry your head. Of course. GEORGE All right. (smiles behind her back) (Elaine's) ELAINE I've got that magazine article for you. JERRY You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside. ELAINE Are you JERRY Understand you had a little talk with him too. ELAINE Yeah, talked earlier. JERRY Yes I know, I know. ELAINE . . . What does that mean? JERRY Nothing, nothing. ELAINE He didn't mention . . . JERRY Yes he did. ELAINE He told you about our conversation? JERRY We had quite a little chat. ELAINE He told you about . . . JERRY Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him. ELAINE He told you all that? How could he? JERRY It didn't take much prodding either, I must say. ELAINE Can he do that? JERRY He did it. ELAINE But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth? JERRY That's what's so fascinating. (Movie line) JERRY You better finish your little caf� latte there. They won't let you in with it. KRAMER Why not? JERRY Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie. KRAMER Well that's stupid JERRY That's the rule. KRAMER Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that. (Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants) (Rabbi's apartment) RABBI Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again. E Yeah... RABBI Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas? ELAINE No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about? RABBI Was that a problem for you? ELAINE Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you? RABBI Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F. ELAINE Mrs. Winston? RABBI Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you. ELAINE What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you? RABBI Don Ramsey? ELAINE You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor. RABBI Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him... ELAINE my god, you didn't. (Movie theatre) JERRY Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me KRAMER Oh, yow, oow Ah! USHER Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here? KRAMER Nothing Nothing. USHER Whatya got? One of those Caf� Latte's in your shirt? KRAMER I don't have anything. Ask him. (Jerry makes a silent drink gesture) USHER All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out. KRAMER What?! USHER Here you go. KRAMER Ow (Kramer leaves) (Jerry's apartment) Ex; But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod. JERRY Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves. ELAINE You didn't say this to George, did you? JERRY No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility? ELAINE Yeah that! So, . . . (George enters) GEORGE Hey oh. ELAINE GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you. GEORGE Alright, thanks a lot. ELAINE Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it. (Gives George a kiss) GEORGE Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean... ELAINE Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured. GEORGE Well, I guess I'm getting older. ELAINE Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan. George Yeah. Elaine My most, just heartfelt congratulations. GEORGE Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime. ELAINE Yes! Yes, yes. Sure. GEORGE Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something. ELAINE Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. GEORGE Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she? JERRY Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh... GEORGE Nope. I wept like a baby. JERRY What? GEORGE Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears. JERRY You cried? GEORGE I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to. JERRY Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around. KRAMER Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions. JERRY Suing? What for? KRAMER The coffee was too hot. JERRY It's supposed to be hot. KRAMER Not THAT hot. (At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV) RABBI (On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless. GEORGE Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi: from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day. RABBI A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George:. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm. THE END |
THE BOYFRIEND PART 2 | THE BOYFRIEND PT 2 Written by Larry David & Larry Levin (New York State department of Labor) MRS. SOKOL Just sign here please. GEORGE I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers). MRS. SOKOL Sign that. GEORGE Who is this? (sees photo) MRS. SOKOL It's my daughta' GEORGE THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking. MRS. SOKOL Ya' think so? GEORGE Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go. MRS. SOKOL You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend. GEORGE Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'... you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. MRS. SOKOL I'm serious. GEORGE It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that. MRS. SOKOL Would you like her phone numba'? MRS. SOKOL Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing? MRS. SOKOL No no no, Don't worry about it. (Fitzpatrick's Bar) ELAINE So tell me more about this game SIX. KEITH Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series. ELAINE ooooh ahhh (Mike and Carol's Apartment) KRAMER (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo JERRY (to baby) Hello. How are you/ CAROL So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her? JERRY Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here. CAROL So how do you think she looks like? KRAMER Lyndon Johnson. CAROL What? Lyndon Johnson? JERRY He's joking. KRAMER I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson. CAROL Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?" JERRY I was saying the same thing. CAROL Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera. JERRY Uh, you don't have to take a picture. MIKE I don't know where it is. CAROL It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! ... He's such an idiot. JERRY Jerry, You want to pick her up? JERRY I better not. KRAMER I'll pick her up. BABY (cries) (George's car) CARRIE Thank you for a wonderful time George. GEORGE Glad you enjoyed it. CARRIE I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time. GEORGE ... millions and millions ... CARRIE Would you like to come up? GEORGE (pause) Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement CARRIE But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed. GEORGE I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key? CARRIE Will you call me as soon as you get home? GEORGE (pause) Tonight? CARRIE Yes. GEORGE Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me CARRIE Well. good night.(puckers up) (Mike and Carol's Apartment) KRAMER Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby. (Keith's car) ELAINE Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun. KEITH Yeah, it was. (mind) Gosh, should I kiss her good night? ELAINE (mind) Is he going to try to kiss me? ELAINE I love Cajun cooking. KEITH Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun. ELAINE Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha KEITH Maybe they should get together. (mind) Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit. ELAINE (mind) What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy. KEITH (mind) Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to. ELAINE (mind) This is getting awkward. KEITH Well, goodnight ELAINE Good night (they kiss - REALLY KISS) ELAINE (mind) Who does this guy think he is? KEITH (mind) I'm Keith Hernandez. (Jerry's Apartment) ELAINE Uh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him? JERRY I don't know him. I know who he is. ELAINE Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit ... JERRY I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened? ELAINE Nuthin'. Then he took me home. JERRY So, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ... ELAINE What?! JERRY ... You know ELAINE Milk? JERRY No! ELAINE Cookies? JERRY Did he kiss you good night? ELAINE I dunno. JERRY What do you mean you don't know? ELAINE All right. He kissed me. Okay? JERRY Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing? ELAINE Between a peck and a make out. JERRY So, you like him. ELAINE I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him? JERRY Ah, I'm jealous of everybody. (phone rings) JERRY hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what? oh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye. ELAINE Who was that? JERRY That was Keith. ELAINE What's going on? JERRY He wants me to help him move. ELAINE Help him move? Move what? JERRY You know, furniture. ELAINE So, what did you say? JERRY I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way. ELAINE And you feel you're not really ready for,... JERRY Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? (Kramer enters) KRAMER What's going on? JERRY Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move. KRAMER What? Well, you hardly know the guy.... What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you? JERRY ... I said yes. KRAMER YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport? JERRY I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! .. KRAMER yeah yeah JERRY hey Kramer do me a favour . KRAMER What? JERRY Don't mention it to anybody. KRAMER I wish you never mentioned it to ME. (exits) (George's car) GEORGE I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home. CARRIE Don't bottha GEORGE Bother, wa', what kind of bother? CARRIE I would prefa' it if ya' didn'. GEORGE Why? Is there anything wrong? CARRIE It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara. GEORGE Why? CARRIE I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman. GEORGE I went to the hardware store interview. CARRIE You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails? GEORGE I thought were a team. CARRIE If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car) GEORGE Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother? (Fitzpatrick's Bar) KEITH Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves. ELAINE (chuckles) KEITH I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it. ELAINE Ha, I didn't mention it. KEITH Well I won them anyway. ELAINE Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk. KEITH Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base. ELAINE ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there. KEITH The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock. ELAINE Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it? KEITH Funny. (Keith takes out a cigarette) ELAINE What are you doing? KEITH What's that? ELAINE You smoke? KEITH Yeah. ELAINE I didn't know you SMOKED. KEITH Is that a problem? ELAINE Uh, ... (Monks) JERRY She likes him I mean she really likes him. GEORGE How do you kn ow? JERRY Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy. GEORGE I suppose he's an attractive man, I , ... JERRY Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP( 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike. GEORGE Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know? JERRY You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that. GEORGE You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five. JERRY Really? GEORGE What was the tallest woman you ever slept with? JERRY I don't know ... six three. GEORGE Wow, ... god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition. JERRY So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people. GEORGE Magellan? You like Magellan? JERRY Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on. GEORGE Who do you like? GEORGE I like DeSoto. JERRY DeSoto? What did he do? GEORGE Discovered the Mississippi. JERRY Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway. GEORGE All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk? JERRY No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move. GEORGE What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow. JERRY I know isn't that something? KRAMER He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover? JERRY I don't know ... he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something. GEORGE The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport.. JERRY I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!! (New York State Department of lab or) GEORGE I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her. MRS. SOKOL Sign here please. GEORGE Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her. MRS. SOKOL All right just sign it. People are waiting. GEORGE You, uh, you like baseball? (picks up baseball from desk) MRS. SOKOL That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year. GEORGE Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez. MRS. SOKOL You know Keith Hernandez. GEORGE Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him? MRS. SOKOL Oh, come on. Come on. GEORGE I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour. MRS. SOKOL All right. You got ONE hour. GEORGE All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back. (exits) (Same phone booth) (George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab) GEORGE 129 west 81st street and hurry. (same cabby stares at him) GEORGE Goodbye (exits cab) (Jerry's Apartment) KEITH Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed. JERRY Is there a box spring? KEITH What's that? JERRY Is there a box spring? KEITH Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch. JERRY Is that a sectional? KEITH Yeah. Twelve pieces. (not clear) ...coffee table. JERRY Is that a thick marble? (... Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye contact and break up) KEITH Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs. JERRY STAIRS??? There's no elevator? KEITH Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors. JERRY I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. (Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take) KRAMER Hello. KEITH Hello. KRAMER Oh, you don't remember me. KEITH No should I (continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game) KRAMER Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory. (Newman enters) NEWMAN June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp. KEITH YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy." KRAMER Ah, you remember. NEWMAN And then you spit on us. KEITH Hey, I didn't spit at you. NEWMAN Oh, yeah, right. KRAMER No no no, well, then who was it? KEITH Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. ... Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way. JERRY I told you! NEWMAN Wow, it was McDowell. JERRY But why? Why McDowell? KRAMER Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game. NEWMAN He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head. NEWMAN It was McDowell. KRAMER Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry. NEWMAN Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh. KEITH look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going. KRAMER Wait, uh what are ya' doing? KEITH I gotta move. KRAMER Want any help? KEITH I'd love some. KRAMER I'd love to help you move. NEWMAN Me too. KEITH Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby. KRAMER No sweat. (they exit) (phone rings) JERRY Hello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going on ... no he just left ... you broke up with him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through with it ... I just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye. (George frantically enters) GEORGE Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith? JERRY You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for? GEORGE (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend ... the guy from the locker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait. (sits down) JERRY Well Biff/ What's next? GEORGE I don't know. (Tall girl enters) TALL GIRL Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet. (Comedy club) When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it. THE END |
THE RED DOT | THE RED DOT Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that? (Commercial) At a party JERRY Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about. GEORGE Like you do. JERRY Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France? GEORGE What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table? JERRY I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it? GEORGE Why did France give that to us anyway? JERRY It was a gift. GEORGE So countries just exchange gifts like that? JERRY If they like each other. GEORGE There's Elaine. JERRY See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend. GEORGE Really? They work here in the office? JERRY Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything. GEORGE Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about. JERRY You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years. GEORGE "Off the wagon"? JERRY I think it's off the wagon. GEORGE I think it's "on the wagon". ELAINE Jerry, George, what are you doing here? JERRY What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present) ELAINE *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry) JERRY Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you. ELAINE Where did you find it? JERRY Under the sofa cushion. ELAINE And you stopped by just to give it to me? JERRY It's your Christmas present. ELAINE I though I'd never find it. GEORGE Well today's your lucky day. ELAINE No. Today's *your* lucky day. GEORGE It will be my first one. ELAINE You want to work here? GEORGE Huh? ELAINE Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George. DICK Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy? JERRY "The guy?" ELAINE (softly to Dick) Dick. GEORGE How can you just get it? ELAINE My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink. JERRY Cranberry juice? ELAINE And vodka. DICK I got the cranberry juice. DICK So... you're Jerry. JERRY So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink) BOSS So have you ever done this kind of work before? GEORGE Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff. BOSS How do you read? GEORGE I like Mike Lubika. BOSS Mike Lubika? GEORGE He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful... BOSS No, no, no. I mean authors. GEORGE Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out. BOSS Name a couple. GEORGE Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay. BOSS Art Vandelay? GEORGE He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village. BOSS What has he written? GEORGE Venetian Blinds. DICK (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are. JERRY Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football. ELAINE Where's my drink? JERRY There. (turns to George) So, how did it go? GEORGE I think he was impressed. ELAINE No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice. JERRY Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours. ELAINE Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it. JERRY I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it. ELAINE One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon. GEORGE Told you. At a clothing store. JERRY I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress. GEORGE Do I really have to buy her something? JERRY Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this? GEORGE What is that? Is that cashmere? JERRY Yeah. She would love cashmere. GEORGE Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive. JERRY Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600. GEORGE Wow. Excuse me, Miss? WOMAN Yes? GEORGE How come this sweater is only 85 dollars? WOMAN (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why. GEORGE What? I don't see anything. WOMAN See this red dot? GEORGE Oh yeah. JERRY Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater) GEORGE (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh? WOMAN There's no exchanges on this. GEORGE You think she would care about the red dot? JERRY It's hard to say. GEORGE I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it? JERRY Well I can see it. GEORGE Yeah, but you know where it is. JERRY Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it? GEORGE Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it? JERRY It's hard to pretend because I know where it is. GEORGE Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview? JERRY You want me to take an overview? GEORGE Please. JERRY I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview. At Jerry's apartment. JERRY Yeah so? ELAINE He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again. JERRY Oh boy, can you smell it? ELAINE No. I can't smell it. JERRY Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking. ELAINE You don't always smell someone from a drink. JERRY Yes you do. ELAINE What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink? JERRY Yes you would. Kramer enters JERRY I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor? KRAMER Okay. JERRY Would you take a drink and let us smell you? KRAMER You can smell me without the drink. ELAINE I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it. KRAMER Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got? JERRY I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner. Kramer drinks. KRAMER All right. Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him. JERRY I don't smell anything. ELAINE Maybe we're too close to the bottle. Jerry's buzzer buzzes. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE (over the speaker) It's George. JERRY Come on up. KRAMER That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch. GEORGE Hello everybody. KRAMER Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific. GEORGE (uncomfortablly) Thank you. ELAINE Hey what's that? GEORGE It's an early Christmas present. ELAINE Christmas present? For who? GEORGE For you. ELAINE *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here. KRAMER Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n... JERRY Kramer. Yeah that'll do. ELAINE (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere? GEORGE Of course it's cashmere. ELAINE Oh, I love cashmere. GEORGE Well who doesn't. ELAINE My, George this must have cost a fortune. GEORGE Ahh, money. ELAINE Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money? JERRY I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy. ELAINE George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me. GEORGE Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing. KRAMER What's that red dot on your sweater? ELAINE What? GEORGE Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it. ELAINE Uhh. This. It's like a red dot. GEORGE What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here? JERRY (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know. ELAINE What don't you know? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE Well do you see it or don't you? JERRY Ahem. Say that again? ELAINE Do you see it or don't you? JERRY Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question. Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it. He comes back groggy. JERRY Now what did you ask me again. Kramer is snoring. (Commercial) (Whew, Jerry is saved by the bell.) At the office. Elaine is walking by. ELAINE You're still here. You're a dynamo. GEORGE I can't believe I get paid for this. ELAINE I'll see you tomorrow. Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady comes by. GEORGE How you doing? CLEANING LADY Hello. The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the lady as she is cleaning. At Monk's. JERRY You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that? GEORGE Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids. JERRY Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. GEORGE Why is that? JERRY It's a woman in your room. So go ahead. GEORGE So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word) JERRY Convulsing? GEORGE Convulsing? JERRY I don't know, I'm trying to help you. GEORGE Then I asked her if she wanted a drink. JERRY You don't drink. GEORGE I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. JERRY So you started drinking. GEORGE So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me. JERRY So how was it? GEORGE Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans. JERRY Good thing the cleaning lady was there. At Jerry's apartment. ELAINE Dick was fired. JERRY You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened. ELAINE You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all? JERRY What are you saying? ELAINE I'm not saying anything. JERRY You're saying something. ELAINE What could I be saying? JERRY Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something. ELAINE If I was saying something I would have said it. JERRY Well why don't you say it? ELAINE I said it. JERRY What did you say? ELAINE Nothing. It's exhausting being with you. Jerry's buzzer buzzes. JERRY Yeah? GEORGE (over the speaker) It's George. JERRY Come on up. ELAINE Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer. JERRY No I didn't. ELAINE Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression. JERRY I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe. ELAINE How much did he save? JERRY Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing. Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom. GEORGE I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet. JERRY Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions. GEORGE Did you tell her anything? JERRY No. GEORGE Do you swear? JERRY I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear. GEORGE Oh you told her didn't you. JERRY No. ELAINE Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? GEORGE What? Did I what? ELAINE You did didn't you. GEORGE Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas. ELAINE Well Jerry told me that you did. GEORGE You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything. JERRY I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you. GEORGE Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot. At the office. GEORGE This is for you. LADY Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me. GEORGE As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything. LADY Okay, okay, can I open it now? GEORGE Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much. LADY Oh! Is that cashmere? GEORGE Of course it's cashemere. LADY A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie! GEORGE Just a little something for Christmas. LADY When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere. GEORGE I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later. LADY Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful. GEORGE Take it off. You're going to ruin it. LADY (noticing the dot) What's this? At the comedy club. JERRY I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can. DICK The only stench is comming from you. AUDIENCE Oooooh. JERRY Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon. DICK It's off the wagon. JERRY In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? DICK I don't know. JERRY On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? DICK You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy. JERRY They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap? DICK What the hell do you know about wagons? JERRY I know enough not to get on them. In the boss' office. BOSS I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct? GEORGE Who said that? BOSS She did. GEORGE Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time. BOSS You're fired. GEORGE Well you didn't have to say it like that. BOSS I want you out of here by the end of the day. GEORGE What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there? BOSS Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this. He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face. George walks out of the office "wearing" it. In the hall of the office. ELAINE You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman. GEORGE You never had sex in the office before? ELAINE No. I once made out with someone but that was it. GEORGE Alright so you made out with someone. ELAINE Well that's not sex. GEORGE Kissing is sex. ELAINE Kissing is not sex. JERRY George? GEORGE Jerry. ELAINE Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? GEORGE No. JERRY George? GEORGE Over here. ELAINE What are you doing here? JERRY I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up. ELAINE Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place? JERRY I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance. (Commercial) ELAINE So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose. JERRY Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night. *crash* DICK Merry Christmas. ELAINE Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear. GEORGE Hide, hide under the desk. ELAINE Ow, ow move over. JERRY Get off of me. ELAINE I've got no room. Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater, his hand shaking. DICK Is that cashmere? GEORGE Of course it's cashmere. DICK (noticing the dot) What's this? At the comedy club. JERRY But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon. DICK You mean on the wagon. JERRY Don't get smart. THE END |
THE CHAPERONE | THE OPPOSITE Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan (Comedy club) JERRY It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our jacket. "I have a snot rag." We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne. MR. LIPPMAN To your promotion. ELAINE Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it. MR LIPPMAN Well, you're really on your way now. Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. ELAINE You really oughtta do something about that cold. (Monk's) JERRY You got a raise? ELAINE I don't fool around, baby! JERRY I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble. ELAINE They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate. JERRY Oh, when did that happen? ELAINE They're signing the papers next week. JERRY Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book? ELAINE Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. JERRY Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal. ELAINE Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together. JERRY Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you. Enter George JERRY Speaking of having it all ... Where were you? GEORGE I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks ) JERRY Oh, the beach. GEORGE It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. JERRY What is it that isn't working? GEORGE Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. ( A waitress comes up to G ) WAITRESS Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee. GEORGE Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. ELAINE Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. JERRY You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. GEORGE Good for the tuna. ( A blonde looks at George ) ELAINE Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. GEORGE So what? What am I supposed to do? ELAINE Go talk to her. GEORGE Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. JERRY Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. GEORGE Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. JERRY If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. GEORGE Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! ( He goes over to the woman ) GEORGE Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction. VICTORIA Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. ( G takes a deep breath ) GEORGE My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. VICTORIA I'm Victoria. Hi. Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. ( Enter Kramer ) KRAMER Hey. Buddy, it's all happening! JERRY What's happening? KRAMER The coffee table book. It's a go! JERRY Oh yeah, I heard all about it. KRAMER You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop: Regis and Kathy Lee. JERRY You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? KRAMER Oh, you better believe it! JERRY I'll loan you my puffy shirt. KRAMER No,no,no. JERRY What're you gonna talk about? KRAMER Well, coffee tables. ( The phone rings ) JERRY Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. ( Turns to K ) JERRY You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money. KRAMER You know who you are? Even Steven Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving VICTORIA Are you growing a beard? GEORGE Why shave every day? It just grows right back. VICTORIA I guess ... GEORGE I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work. ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver ) VICTORIA Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?! GEORGE Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world. Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria MAN NO.1 Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? MAN NO.2 Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! ( They kick G and Victoria's seats ) VICTORIA What are we gonna do? Shall we just move? GEORGE That won't be necessary. ( G gets up and turns towards the two men ) GEORGE Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! ( People applaud as G sits down again ) Cut to G's car VICTORIA Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty. GEORGE I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well. VICTORIA Who are you, George Costanza? GEORGE I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone THEATER MANAGER Excuse me, is your name Elaine? ELAINE Yes. THEATER MANAGER Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here? ELAINE Yeah. THEATER MANAGER Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident. ELAINE An accident? What happened? THEATER MANAGER He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent Hospital, room 907. ELAINE Oh. Ok. Thank you. ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter ) ELAINE Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? Cut to hospital JAKE So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip. ELAINE ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. ( Jake looks at E eating ) ELAINE You want one? JAKE No thanks. ELAINE So when do you think you're gonna get outta here? JAKE Where did you get those? ELAINE At the movies. JAKE Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in? ELAINE Yeah, he did. JAKE Then when did you get those? ELAINE Right after ... that ... JAKE So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? ELAINE Well... the counter...was right there, and... JAKE I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you. ELAINE No, no, it does! JAKE If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit! ELAINE But...Jake... JAKE I would like to be alone now, please. ELAINE But, Jake, I didn't... JAKE Goodnight! Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night. MAN NO.1 Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? MAN NO.2 Good idea, I'm kinda tired. MAN NO.3 How'd you do? MAN NO.4 Won 50. MAN NO.2 Lost 72. MAN NO.1 Won 37. MAN NO.3 Lost 15. JERRY Broke even. Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee" REGIS Can I bring out our next guest now? KATHY LEE Please, please. REGIS Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part - KATHY LEE I love this. REGIS It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! KATHY LEE Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever! REGIS I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage? KATHY LEE I did. REGIS I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he? KATHY LEE I love his hair. REGIS Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer! ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee ) KATHY LEE I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something! REGIS Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea? KRAMER Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time. REGIS You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books! KRAMER Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school! KATHY LEE Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. KRAMER You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. ( Demonstrates with his book ) KATHY LEE Is that fabulous? REGIS Look at this! KATHY LEE Is that fabulous? REGIS Fabulous! KATHY LEE I want one of these. REGIS Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? KATHY LEE This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables. KRAMER That's true. That's right. REGIS Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine? KRAMER Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head ) REGIS I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is! KATHY LEE But he's adorable. ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress ) REGIS We'll be right back. Cut to Jerry's apartment JERRY So it's all over? ELAINE Yeah, it got pretty nasty. JERRY And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit? ELAINE It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab. JERRY Why didn't you eat it in the cab? ELAINE Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first. ( E points to the table ) ELAINE What's all this? JERRY Played cards last night. ELAINE Oh yeah? How'd you do? JERRY Broke even. ELAINE You always break even. JERRY Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out! ELAINE Do you have twenty bucks? JERRY What for? ELAINE Just gimme twenty bucks. ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ) JERRY What the hell was that? ELAINE Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. JERRY You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back. ELAINE You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together - JERRY Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first. ( George comes in ) GEORGE Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was - JERRY Bad. GEORGE Day was - ELAINE Night. GEORGE Yes! JERRY So you just did the opposite of everything? GEORGE Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion. JERRY So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket ) JERRY Elaine ... look! A twenty! ELAINE Oh my God. Cut to Mr.Lippman's office KRAMER Hey boss. MR. LIPPMAN Kramer. Come in. KRAMER How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian ) MR. LIPPMAN Have a seat. KRAMER What, have you got yourself a cold? ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair ) KRAMER Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. MR. LIPPMAN The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and - KRAMER It was pretty good, huh? ( New sneeze, K jumps again ) MR. LIPPMAN Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows. KRAMER Because of the coffee thing? MR.LIPPMAN Kramer, I'm sorry. KRAMER What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"? MR. LIPPMAN It's out - KRAMER She's a doctor, I got a thing for her. MR. LIPPMAN Kramer, I - ( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair ) Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview MR. CUSHMAN Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences? GEORGE Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. MR. CUSHMAN Go on. GEORGE Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. MR. CUSHMAN Do you talk to everybody like this? GEORGE Of course. MR. CUSHMAN My niece told me you were different. GEORGE I am different, yeah. MR. CUSHMAN I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. ( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair ) MR. CUSHMAN Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants. MR. STEINBRENNER Nice to meet you. GEORGE Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego! MR. STEINBRENNER Hire this man! Cut to Pendant Publishing SECRETARY Tina Robbins is here to see you. MAN Who's that? ELAINE Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub- letting my apartment from her. MAN Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey. TINA Please. ELAINE Hi Tina. TINA Hi Elaine. ELAINE So, I haven't seen you in a while. TINA Elaine, we have a problem. ELAINE Well, what is it? TINA You're getting kicked out. ELAINE Kicked out?! Why?! TINA Well, there's been a number of complaints. ELAINE Yeah? Like what? TINA Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. ELAINE I didn't know who he was! TINA That's why there's a buzzer. ELAINE What else? TINA Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building. ELAINE What else have you got? TINA Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag ) Cut to Monk's JERRY I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe. RACHEL I suppose... JERRY Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points. RACHEL Jerry ... JERRY Yes? RACHEL I've been doing a lot of thinking. JERRY Aha? RACHEL Well, I don't think we should see each other any more. JERRY Oh, that's okay. RACHEL What? JERRY Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else. RACHEL You will? JERRY Sure. See, things always even out for me. RACHEL Huh? JERRY It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck! RACHEL Yeah, you too. Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment JERRY The New York Yankees?! GEORGE The New York Yankees! JERRY Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza? GEORGE I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting! JERRY I can't believe it. ( The door buzzes, J lets E up ) GEORGE And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw? JERRY That's a great place! GEORGE I'm back in business, baby! JERRY George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out. GEORGE Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful ) JERRY Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hi. JERRY How're things going? ELAINE How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment! JERRY Why? Why are they doing that? ELAINE I don't know! They have a list of grievances. JERRY The jewel thief? ELAINE Yeah, the jewel thief. JERRY What else? ELAINE I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month. GEORGE Well, you could move in with my parents. ELAINE Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers ) GEORGE Instinct. ELAINE Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead ) JERRY Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me? Cut to Pendant Publishing SECRETARY Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here. MR. LIPPMAN Alright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us. ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...) ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him ) INTERPRETER Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company. ( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's ) MR LIPPMAN I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs. ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere ) Cut to George's parents' house JERRY Is that the end of it? GEORGE Yeah, it's the last one. ESTELLE I can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream. KRAMER Oh, it's true. GEORGE Alright, let's go. FRANK Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead ) GEORGE I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job. ESTELLE Jerry, did you hear this? JERRY He knows what he's doing. ( G pulls both his parents to him ) GEORGE I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much. ( K and J look at each other ) JERRY Opposite. Cut to Monk's ELAINE I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk! JERRY Why'd you have to eat so many? ELAINE Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. JERRY Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book. KRAMER Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? ELAINE Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George. JERRY Don't say that. ELAINE It's true. I'm George! I'm George! ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit ) GEORGE Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress:) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy. ( J and K pay the check ) KRAMER Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours. JERRY Ah ... let's call it even. (Comedy club) JERRY Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee. THE END |
THE BURNING | THE BURNING Written by Jennifer Crittenden Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute instructions. PUDDY Alright, be careful with the car, babe. ELAINE Yeah, yeah. PUDDY And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it. ELAINE Goodbye? PUDDY Two and ten, babe. ELAINE Okay. PUDDY Don't peel out. ELAINE I won't. is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns off the radio. ELAINE Jesus? Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking. KRUGER According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts? GEORGE Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time. KRUGER Works for me. Good thinking, George. CO-WORKER 1 Alright, George. CO-WORKER 2 Way to go man. GEORGE Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger." KRUGER Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real. CO-WORKER 1 Good one. CO-WORKER 2 That was bad. George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. GEORGE I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me. JERRY And then? GEORGE I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns. JERRY Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off. GEORGE I can't just leave. JERRY That's the way they do it in Vegas. GEORGE You never played Vegas. JERRY I hear things. Elaine enters and has a seat. ELAINE Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations. GEORGE I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip. ELAINE So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something? JERRY It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets. ELAINE Yes, he is lazy. JERRY Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons. ELAINE Yes, he is dumb. JERRY So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious? ELAINE Dumb and lazy, I understand. GEORGE Tell you how you could check. ELAINE How? GEORGE Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo. JERRY No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's. GEORGE No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you. JERRY Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her. GEORGE Well that's the gist of it! ELAINE Quiet! So where is this Sophie? JERRY Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes. ELAINE How long have you two been together? JERRY I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her? ELAINE AND GEORGE Nah. Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register. GEORGE By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture? ELAINE I needed to move a bureau. Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment. KRAMER Hey Jerry, you got any pepper? MICKEY Hey Jerry. JERRY Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker. KRAMER Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that. MICKEY Aah-choo. KRAMER A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it. JERRY What's with the fake sneezing? KRAMER Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing. MICKEY They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig. JERRY Do medical schools actually do this? KRAMER Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching. KRAMER AND MICKEY HUAAHHH!! JERRY I think the phone is ringing. KRAMER AND MICKEY HUAAHHH!! JERRY Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff? KRAMER Mickey, DTs. Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone. JERRY Hello? SOPHIE Hey. It's me. JERRY Elaine? SOPHIE No, it's me. JERRY George?? SOPHIE Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice. JERRY Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian. Kramer enters. KRAMER You got any Ipecac? JERRY Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this. KRAMER No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin. JERRY Did he overdose? KRAMER No, it's just too much. Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing. KRUGER ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble. GEORGE Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane? Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter. GEORGE Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody. Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to a group of people, Mickey and Kramer included. DR. WEXLER In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit. MICKEY Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot! KRAMER Gonorrhea? You wanna trade? MICKEY Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything. KRAMER Howbout you, do you wanna trade? MAN Sure. KRAMER Okay, what do you got? MAN The surgeon left a sponge inside me. KRAMER Good luck with that. George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. GEORGE I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone. JERRY What did you do the rest of the day? GEORGE I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right? JERRY And a bit of a tramp if you ask me. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hello boys. GEORGE Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo? ELAINE I did. GEORGE And the Christian rock? ELAINE Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish! GEORGE Jerry, do you have any fishsticks? JERRY No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person? ELAINE Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled. GEORGE I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore. JERRY I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today. ELAINE "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature? JERRY I thought so. ELAINE Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me". GEORGE I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes! Kramer enters. KRAMER Well, I got gonorrhea. ELAINE That seems about right. KRAMER That's what they gave me. GEORGE They? The Government? JERRY No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it. KRAMER And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis. GEORGE I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors. The other three start laughing. GEORGE Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody. ELAINE What was that? JERRY Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note. KRAMER See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing. JERRY Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row. KRAMER Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves. Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students. STUDENT #1 And are you experiencing any discomfort? KRAMER Just a little burning during urination. STUDENT #1 Okay, any other pain? KRAMER The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards. STUDENT #1 Gonorrhea?! KRAMER Gonorrhea! The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights and Kramer takes a bow. Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his phone messages. JERRY One message. Hope it's not from you. ANSWERING MACHINE "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back." JERRY Sophie. GEORGE She's still doing that? JERRY Yep. GEORGE Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo. JERRY I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". GEORGE What the hell is a gander, anyway? JERRY It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me. SOPHIE Hey Raef. JERRY She thinks it's someone named Raef. GEORGE Good, let her think it. JERRY So, what's going on? SOPHIE Not a lot. GEORGE Ask about you, ask about you. JERRY So, uh, how are things with Jerry? SOPHIE Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story. JERRY Right, right, the tractor story. SOPHIE Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny. JERRY I sound funny? GEORGE Abort! Abort! JERRY Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that? GEORGE That was very real. JERRY She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about. GEORGE Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story? JERRY Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing? Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment. ELAINE So where do you wanna eat? PUDDY Feels like an Arby's night. ELAINE Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god? PUDDY Yes. ELAINE Oh. So, you're pretty religious? PUDDY That's right. ELAINE So is it a problem that I'm not really religious? PUDDY Not for me. ELAINE Why not? PUDDY I'm not the one going to hell. Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. GEORGE You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor. JERRY No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement. GEORGE Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need? JERRY No, she looks completely normal. GEORGE Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day. JERRY You think she's got toes for thumbs? GEORGE How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE Hands a little smelly? JERRY Why do I seek your counsel? Elaine walks in. ELAINE Well I'm going to hell. JERRY That seems about right. ELAINE According to Puddy. JERRY Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and-- ELAINE I'm not in the mood. GEORGE I'll have some coffee and a doughnut. JERRY What do you care? You don't believe in hell. ELAINE I know, but he does. JERRY So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul. ELAINE Well, relationships are very important to me. JERRY Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity. GEORGE And a slice of devil's food cake. Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger. GEORGE Hey. Where is everyone? MR. KRUGER They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man. GEORGE I am? MR. KRUGER I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more. GEORGE This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders. MR. KRUGER Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started. GEORGE Okay. MR. KRUGER George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) Three times around, no feet. GEORGE And? MR. KRUGER All me. Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai. DR. WEXLER Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent. KRAMER Oh, thank you. MICKEY Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! What did you get? KRAMER Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week. DR. WEXLER Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it. KRAMER I don't believe this, I'm being typecast. Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess. SOPHIE I move my knight... here. Check. JERRY They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor. SOPHIE Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing? JERRY Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm. SOPHIE Bought the farm? JERRY Tractor! SOPHIE This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable. JERRY Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle. Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods knowingly. Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. GEORGE A scar? JERRY A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...? GEORGE A tractor. JERRY I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it. GEORGE I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs. JERRY She doesn't have toe thumbs. GEORGE Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor-- JERRY Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger? GEORGE Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who? MR. KRUGER I'm not too worried about it. GEORGE Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox? MR. KRUGER Alright, alright I'm going. GEORGE Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this? JERRY Never. Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's a newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's. PUDDY Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one. ELAINE 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his. PUDDY C'mon, get it. ELAINE Well if you want it, you get it. PUDDY Sorry, thou shalt not steal. ELAINE Oh, but it's ok for me? PUDDY What do you care, you know where you're going. ELAINE Alright, that is it! I can't live like this. PUDDY Nah. ELAINE C'mon. PUDDY Alright, what did I do? ELAINE David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that? PUDDY Gonna be rough. ELAINE Uh, you should be trying to save me! PUDDY Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell. ELAINE I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not. PUDDY You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you? ELAINE Yeah, that's right! Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns' and she emits a gutteral growling sound. Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part. MICKEY Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle? DR. WEXLER Mr. Kramer? You're up. Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow. MICKEY Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you? KRAMER Well, we'll see. STUDENT #2 So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer? KRAMER Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left. MICKEY Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick. They fall to the floor, wrestling. STUDENT #2 Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction? Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis. FATHER CURTIS Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy. ELAINE AND PUDDY Yeah, that's right. FATHER CURTIS Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty-- ELAINE Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here. FATHER CURTIS You aren't? PUDDY No. ELAINE We're just, you know, having a good time. FATHER CURTIS Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell. PUDDY No way, this is bogus, man! ELAINE Well, thank you father. FATHER CURTIS Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng to the devil by the coffee machine? PUDDY I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell. ELAINE Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity. Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment and Father Curtis joins in. Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment. SOPHIE You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult. JERRY Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it. SOPHIE How could you know? Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to SOPIE'S) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship. Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument. KRAMER ...I didn't say that, no. MICKEY You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me! KRAMER Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it. JERRY Hey, hey! I'm with someone. KRAMER Oh. Hello. SOPHIE No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive. KRAMER You know? She's right. SOPHIE Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor. JERRY You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story?? KRAMER You can't get it from that. SOPHIE But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit. JERRY Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody. Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working, Mr. Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is percolating. GEORGE Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!? MR. KRUGER You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it. GEORGE No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger! MR. KRUGER K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger! GEORGE Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much! MR. KRUGER Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me. GEORGE Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger! MR. KRUGER It's K-uger! GEORGE No! No! MR. KRUGER Goodnight everybody! THE END |
THE DOODLE | THE DOODLE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them , y'know what I mean, they're bug realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these companies. GEORGE Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually met because of Elaine. PAULA Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school GEORGE ..And I went down there one time to see... JERRY (cuts in) A nude model. GEORGE If Elaine wanted to get some coffee. JERRY You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing. GEORGE Are you through? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's. PAULA George, I just like to doodle Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated. GEORGE Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry! JERRY What? GEORGE What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth , she just spit them out. JERRY (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate? SHELLY Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them? JERRY Soo... SHELLY I'm sorry you find me so repulsive? JERRY No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly.. SHELLY Yeah! JERRY It's just... SHELLY Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to the ladies room. PAULA I'll join you. JERRY Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food. GEORGE Well I've done that. JERRY Yeah, but with you it's intentional. GEORGE Haven't you kissed her? JERRY Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there. George stops a passing busboy GEORGE Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.) Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference. GEORGE This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance. JERRY Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan. GEORGE Hehummm , Yeah! JERRY Thanks. GEORGE No problem. The girls return from the ladies room. SHELLY Well Jerry , I guess we should get going . JERRY Ah! boy. GEORGE Well , it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful ,there's a lot of nuts out there. ( to Paula) All right you have everything? PAULA Can you grab my purse. GEORGE Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed. Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked up JERRY Yeah! So George; Don't you see what this is? JERRY Yeah! It's a doodle. GEORGE Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted. JERRY Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature. GEORGE I'm grotesque . I look like a troll. JERRY It's just a drawing. GEORGE Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this? Elaine walks in GEORGE (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily) ELAINE What is with him? JERRY the usual ELAINE So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press. JERRY Good for you ELAINE Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there , for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did? JERRY Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room. ELAINE I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation JERRY Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town. ELAINE ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida. JERRY Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way. ELAINE Hey. What's this.?. JERRY Don't ask. ELAINE What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo JERRY No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily) George comes back ELAINE It is.. GEORGE You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine) ELAINE Sorry. GEORGE You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class? ELAINE Tomorrow . GEORGE All right, I want you to do me a favor. ELAINE What? GEORGE I want you to find out is she likes me. ELAINE Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself? GEORGE But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me. JERRY You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming.... Jerry's apartment KRAMER Well, they're in... JERRY What's in? KRAMER The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!! JERRY Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year.. KRAMER Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste JERRY Nah, I don't wanna KRAMER Come on ,Just take a taste JERRY I don't want it.. KRAMER Come on JUST TASTE!!! JERRY I DON'T WANT IT .... KRAMER HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!! JERRY I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach. KRAMER Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis. Jerry scratches his ankle furiously JERRY ..What is this? KRAMER What? JERRY Yeah! I think I got flea bites. KRAMER Flea bites? JERRY Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up. KRAMER You got a dog? JERRY No. KRAMER Well, that is strange. JERRY How could I have fleas? KRAMER Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas. JERRY What did you do about them? KRAMER What do you mean?... Jerry's parents come through the door. MORTY Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer HELEN Hi Jerry......What's wrong? JERRY Nothing... HELEN Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it? JERRY Mom, Dad.....I have fleas.. Elaine's drawing class ELAINE Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza? PAULA How did you know?? ELAINE Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything. PAULA He said that? ELAINE Ha hum...Do you like George? PAULA Yeaaah! he's cool. ELAINE No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him? PAULA Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know? TEACHER Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum? ELAINE (nods) HumHummmm.... Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns around she makes a throwing up motion at Paula . Later at jerry's KARL Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands. JERRY I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog. KARL I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them. JERRY I don't understand this.. KARL I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them. JERRY Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town. KARL Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff, it's in the truck. JERRY Okay.. Elaine comes in ELAINE Hi....??? Jerry; Bug guy. ELAINE Why do you have a bug guy? JERRY I have fleas. ELAINE Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas? JERRY I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet? ELAINE No....Oh No.... JERRY Come on,c'mon ELAINE No, No... JERRY c'mon ,c'mon.... ELAINE No, No... JERRY c'mon, c'mon.... ELAINE No, No....Yesss!!!!!! JERRY Yes!!! Door buzzer JERRY Yes!!! GEORGE yeah! ELAINE Well what about you. Where you gonna stay? JERRY I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident. ELAINE Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved. JERRY Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em. ELAINE Yeah that's just some stuff about the company. GEORGE Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE So what did she say? ELAINE She...likes you.. GEORGE She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that? ELAINE Ya! GEORGE Those were her exact words, I like George. ELAINE Yep! GEORGE Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what? ELAINE For nothing.. GEORGE ha Ha.. ELAINE In fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her... GEORGE You see.....WHAT!! ELAINE Ah Oh!! GEORGE She said looks aren't important to her? ELAINE Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said.... GEORGE She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it. Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them. GEORGE .....So what's your point? JERRY I dunno... ELAINE Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you. GEORGE Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching? JERRY That'd be the fleas. At the Plaza Hotel JERRY Hey!!! MORTY Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh! HELEN Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice. MORTY Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts. HELEN Macadamian nuts? MORTY Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut. Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right? JERRY Yeah! it's all taken care of. MORTY ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john here. Outside Elaine's building ELAINE Judy . JUDY Hey!!!!. ELAINE Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press . JUDY It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript a good read. ELAINE Manuscript? JUDY Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to see that you can read an unpublished work and give insightful criticism. ELAINE Oooh!! JUDY Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career. ELAINE Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go.. JUDY Hey! What about lunch? ELAINE (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo... Catches up with Jerry on the street. ELAINE Thank god I found you.. JERRY Oh! Hey! ELAINE You still got that Fedex? JERRY Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated. ELAINE No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place) Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation Do not enter" JERRY You see? ELAINE Jerry , I need that Fedex right now.. JERRY I told you to take it. ELAINE Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read... JERRY Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there. Kramer comes out of the apartment. KRAMER I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator. JERRY Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there. KRAMER Toxic gas!!! JERRY Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes. KRAMER An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down. ELAINE My manuscript? JERRY How do you feel? KRAMER Now that you mention it , a little woozy. ELAINE Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript. KRAMER I'm not going back in there!! ELAINE all right then, where is it?? KRAMER I left it on the coffee table or somethin' JERRY Well wh..wh.what are you doing? ELAINE I'm going in . JERRY Didn't you see the sign on the door? KRAMER Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl. Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. She goes to the coffee table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk then the dinner table. She runs out of air so she has to rush out. ELAINE ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it? KRAMER Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen... ELAINE Okay... bathroom....kitchen. JERRY Can you get me a soda? Elaine goes back in KRAMER Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building. Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives up. ELAINE (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway? JERRY I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment. ELAINE I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't.... JERRY Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers? ELAINE Yeah! JERRY Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! I've got him. Newman's door . Jerry knocks JERRY Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there. NEWMAN Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise. JERRY There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.. NEWMAN Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind... JERRY Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around) NEWMAN So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squaller.(?) JERRY You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back..... NEWMAN (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously) Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage. MORTY Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred bucks an hour but I'm telling ya he's worth every penny OOOOHH! HELEN I'm next. MORTY Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View. LEO I love these nuts. NANA This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder) HELEN Nana!!! NANA He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up On the street in front of a flower shop GEORGE Hello.. PAULA What's the matter?... GEORGE Well I spoke to Elaine... PAULA Hey! Look , no shave. GEORGE No...Why should that make any difference to you? PAULA It doesn't.. GEORGE Of course not. You don't care what I look like. PAULA That's right I don't. GEORGE I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care? PAULA Not a wit. GEORGE Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too. PAULA You can wear sweatpants. GEORGE I could.. PAULA (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care. GEORGE Velvet... Monks ELAINE Did you read the whole thing? KRAMER Oh! yeah. ELAINE Huh . So What's it about? KRAMER Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm. ELAINE unbridled enthusiasm...? KRAMER Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall. ELAINE Oh! boy. KRAMER You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue. ELAINE Oh! my God. KRAMER ah! Here we go. ELAINE (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks. KRAMER May I..( pointing her food) ELAINE (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead. KRAMER what is this? ELAINE What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food) KRAMER I can't taste this. ELAINE What are you talking about? KRAMER This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused) At Shelley's JERRY Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here. SHELLEY Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem. JERRY ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn.. SHELLEY What's the matter? JERRY I forgot my toothbrush. SHELLEY Oh! no problem.....You can use mine. JERRY Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later. SHELLEY Brush now. JERRY (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush) Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach. KRAMER Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw.. NEWMAN What for, you got your own. KRAMER Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw. NEWMAN ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame. KRAMER Waited all year and I can't even taste it.. NEWMAN You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me. At Viking Press. ELAINE It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm . MANDEL Unbridled enthusiasm. ELAINE Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall. MANDEL hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been so enthusiastic he could have adverted disaster. ELAINE Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue. MANDEL So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics.. ELAINE Yes, yes Mr. Mandel. Plaza Hotel MORTY Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it? LEO No more nuts. Awrghh..... Monks. George walks in wearing velvet. JERRY Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!! GEORGE It's the real deal. JERRY She's seen you in this thing. GEORGE That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over. JERRY And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins. GEORGE He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase. JERRY Ahh! She threw me out. GEORGE Why? JERRY I wouldn't use her toothbrush. GEORGE So where are you staying? JERRY Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog. At Viking again. MANDEL Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room. ELAINE Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas , it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks. MANDEL I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss Benes. ELAINE Okay...Good day.. Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach. PAULA Hi George. GEORGE (mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach? PAULA Oh! yeah I love those. GEORGE Too bad , it's all done. Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in disbelief , then disgust. Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send. KRAMER ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today? PASSERBY The fifteenth. KRAMER Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman... NEWMAN Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit? KRAMER ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you. (unleashes a dog) Dog proceeds to chase after Newman Finally at The Plaza Hotel ELAINE (knocks) Hello is anybody here?.. LEO They said they were sending an Asian woman. ELAINE Oh! my God. THE END |
THE RAINCOATS PART 1 | THE RAINCOATS PART 1 Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.' (Monk's) (George and Jerry at the usual booth) JERRY You know their timing couldn't be worse. GEORGE Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you? JERRY You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up. GEORGE When are they leaving for Paris? JERRY Not for another three days. GEORGE What about her place? JERRY She lives with her parents. GEORGE Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents. JERRY (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way. GEORGE Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? JERRY The baldies GEORGE Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town. JERRY That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present. (Alec and Joey enter) ALEC (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys. GEORGE Hey Alec JERRY Hey Alec ALEC This is Joey. GEORGE Hey Joey, how you doin'? ALEC (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George? GEORGE Well uh.... JOEY (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please? GEORGE Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled. ALEC That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you. JOEY Wouldn't you like to be a big brother.. ALEC (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya. JERRY What happened? GEORGE What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid? JERRY (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please? (Street) (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.) JERRY Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now? GEORGE Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy. JERRY Ya, it's much better isn't it? GEORGE Oh, n-no comparison. JERRY Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries. GEORGE (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey. JERRY What? GEORGE Your parents are going to Paris right? JERRY Yea? GEORGE So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris. JERRY What about little Joey? GEORGE Who? JERRY Ah, I think he's probably better off. (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them) GEORGE I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox. MORTY But there are no stamps on these. GEORGE Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course. HELEN Why are you doing this? JERRY He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. HELEN Why? JERRY Because George is a deeply disturbed individual. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion? HELEN I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion) KRAMER (putting on the lotion) Ya HELEN It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in Miami. KRAMER Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida. JERRY Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there. KRAMER Ya MORTY Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home. KRAMER Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle. GEORGE Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something? KRAMER Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow. GEORGE What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then? KRAMER Well I suppose the children do. GEORGE (pondering) Yes I suppose they do. KRAMER (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later. (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits) GEORGE (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight? (Morty and Helen look at each other) HELEN Tonight? GEORGE Yea they're making Payaya. HELEN (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans. JERRY (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans? HELEN (turns to Jerry) We have plans. JERRY Where'd you get plans? HELEN (annoyed) We have plans. GEORGE Well um, what about tomorrow night? HELEN (turns back toward George) Maybe GEORGE Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that. MORTY (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though. GEORGE (quietly) Ya. JERRY (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later. GEORGE Ya. (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed) JERRY So what plans do you have? MORTY None JERRY So how come you're not going over there for dinner? HELEN Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'. MORTY We can't stand them. JERRY Really? Since when? HELEN Since always. We've never liked them. JERRY Why? HELEN Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice? JERRY No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind. MORTY Well we do. (Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it) JERRY Ya? (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom) ELAINE It's us. JERRY U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you? HELEN We adore Elaine. JERRY She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend. HELEN What's he like? JERRY He's nice, bit of a close talker. HELEN A what? JERRY You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas' HELEN They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum. (Elaine and Aaron enter) EVERYONE Hi. MORTY Hello Elaine (Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug) ELAINE This is Aaron. HELEN Hello Aaron MORTY Hello. AARON (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town? HELEN Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris. AARON Ah MORTY We're going with a select charter group. AARON I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya. HELEN We can't take money. AARON Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us. ELAINE Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time? JERRY No I haven't. AARON You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour? HELEN (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that? AARON (up in Helen's face) Easily HELEN I wouldn't be any trouble? AARON (gets closer) Of course not. HELEN When would we go? AARON How about right now? MORTY I'm ready HELEN Are you sure? AARON Yes. HELEN Ok, let me get my coat. (Helen goes to get her coat) AARON (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say? ELAINE W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans. AARON Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry? JERRY I'm swamped. AARON You sure? You could examine the art work up close. JERRY Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. ELAINE (under her breath) Ya that'll happen) AARON (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off. (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door) MORTY Ok, bye. HELEN & AARON Bye. JERRY Ok buh bye. Have a good time. ELAINE Bye. AARON See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss) JERRY Ok. ELAINE Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE What is that? JERRY Maybe he was just trying to be nice. ELAINE Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this? JERRY Wait a second, he just did me a big favor. (Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone) ELAINE What? JERRY (dialing) He got em out of the house. ELAINE What? JERRY Call Rachel. ELAINE Oh. JERRY (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed) ELAINE (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out. (Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust) (Costanza House) FRANK They're not coming? GEORGE No, they had plans. ESTELLE How could they have plans? GEORGE That's what I wanna know. FRANK Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends. ESTELLE What am I supposed to do with all this Paella? GEORGE They said tomorrow, maybe. FRANK Maybe? ESTELLE Maybe they don't like us. FRANK Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for? ESTELLE Ah keep quiet. FRANK What are you trying to set my mouth on fire? GEORGE I don't know what the reason could be. (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter) JERRY (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi. AARON Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had. HELEN Aaron is quite the tour guide. MORTY Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings? JERRY Oh sure like Monet. MORTY Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus. JERRY Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday. MORTY I say the guy was painting without his glasses. (phone rings) JERRY (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back. HELEN Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read. JERRY Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up) AARON Well I should be going. HELEN Oh thanks again. AARON & HELEN Buh bye. (Kramer enters) AARON Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you. KRAMER You must be Aaron, I've heard about you. AARON (Laughing) Well see you later. KRAMER Yeah. AARON (leaving) Bye JERRY Bye KRAMER So uh what are you guys doing for dinner? HELEN We have no plans. MORTY (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive. KRAMER Now what is Executive? JERRY The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it. MORTY I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years. HELEN Why would they? Nobody bought them then. MORTY He's wearing one. KRAMER Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's. MORTY You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida? KRAMER Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything. MORTY You gotta deal. (Kramer and Morty shake hands) KRAMER Yaaaa. JERRY This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson. MORTY I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery. HELEN You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days. MORTY He'll send them express. HELEN You're crazy. MORTY I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats. JERRY N-na I'm paying for the trip. MORTY So much the better. (Monk's) (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door) GEORGE Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there. ALEC Paris huh? GEORGE Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for. ALEC Where will you stay? GEORGE An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry. ALEC George, you have no idea how fantastic this is. GEORGE Fantastic? ALEC Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution. GEORGE How gee what a coincidence. ALEC And you'll send me a postcard. (Elaine's Apartment) (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed) AARON Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children. ELAINE Mm hmm. AARON And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him ELAINE Aaron AARON Yes? ELAINE Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you? AARON Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it. ELAINE Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age? AARON No, it was fun. ELAINE You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld. AARON Yea, they bought me a coke. (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. KRAMER How serendipitous. MORTY So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. KRAMER Mmm JERRY He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. KRAMER Did you call Jack Klompus yet? MORTY I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. JERRY Ah come on. MORTY Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone) HELEN Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? JERRY No I haven't seen it yet. HELEN Oh you have to go you have to JERRY I'm going HELEN You have to JERRY Ok MORTY (on the phone) Hello Jack. (Jack in Florida) JACK Ya MORTY It's Morty JACK Who died? MORTY Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. JACK What boxes? MORTY I'm gonna explain what boxes. JACK Alright how the hell do I know? MORTY Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me. JACK I thought you're going to Paris MORTY I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here. JACK What's in the boxes? MORTY Raincoats. JACK Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. HELEN I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes. JACK When do you want these? MORTY Send them tomorrow. (Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in) ESTELLE You think they're coming tonight? GEORGE I dunno they said maybe. FRANK Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. ESTELLE Well they better come, I got all this Paella. FRANK I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise. GEORGE Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you. ESTELLE Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night? GEORGE I-I wasn't in the attic. ESTELLE I heard noise. GEORGE Maybe it was a mouse. FRANK (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! GEORGE What? FRANK I will not tolerate infestation. GEORGE You haven't even seen one. FRANK Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again. ESTELLE All right Frank that's enough. (Frank sits back down) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) (Rudy is checking out the clothes) GEORGE I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing) RUDY Uh huh. GEORGE They will get a good home won't they? RUDY Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular. GEORGE Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. RUDY I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. GEORGE Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling. RUDY Yea I'm in a good mood here. GEORGE Thank you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, George what are you doing here? GEORGE Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted. KRAMER Oh, I gotcha (clicks) GEORGE (leaving) That'll do. KRAMER Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats. GEORGE Hey that's swell. KRAMER Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night. GEORGE Dinner? (grabs Kramer) KRAMER Ya. GEORGE You had dinner with the Seinfelds? KRAMER Yea, last night. GEORGE Was this something you had planned for a while? KRAMER No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. GEORGE (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! KRAMER Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy) RUDY Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. KRAMER Oh I'll take these. RUDY All right KRAMER Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me? RUDY Sure that's the Executive. KRAMER Ya, you have any others? RUDY I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. KRAMER Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? RUDY Very interested KRAMER Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak. RUDY Well bring 'em in. KRAMER So you'll buy them? RUDY I don't see what would possibly stop me. (Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends) (Jerry's Apartment) (George enters) GEORGE Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans! JERRY What are you talking about? GEORGE Mom and Pop Seinfeld JERRY Look I don't know. GEORGE All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer. JERRY Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. GEORGE So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? JERRY That's right. GEORGE Is there something wrong with my parents? JERRY Absolutely GEORGE Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people. JERRY These the people you currently live with? GEORGE Yes. JERRY Uh huh GEORGE So are they coming tonight or not? JERRY Look I really don't know what they're plans are. GEORGE Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. JERRY What is that anyway? GEORGE It's a Spanish dish. It's a m�lange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty. JERRY I-I'll tell 'em GEORGE Hey could you do one other thing for me? JERRY Name it. GEORGE You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps) JERRY So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris? GEORGE (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards. (Elaine's Office) (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door) JOANNE So where's he taking you? ELAINE Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places. JOANNE You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron. AARON (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey ELAINE (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi (Elaine and Aaron kiss) (Enter Helen) HELEN Hello, Hello. (Enter Morty) MORTY Hello Elaine (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock) AARON I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. ELAINE Oh, Great. MORTY (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage? HELEN You don't mind to you Elaine? ELAINE Mind? Oh o-of course not. AARON We can make a whole day of it. MORTY This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? ELAINE (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld (Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matin�e where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust) (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly" (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch) JERRY (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second. RACHEL When are they leaving? JERRY In two days. RACHEL It's been soo long. JERRY I know. RACHEL Ok, it's only two more days. (They both run their hands through their hair) JERRY Right, Thursday three o'clock. MORTY (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have HELEN Ooh. JERRY Oh Hi. HELEN We didn't know you had company. JERRY (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel. RACHEL Hi. HELEN & MORTY Hello Rachel. HELEN Uh we'll come back another time. JERRY What other time? HELEN Whenever JERRY Where you goin'? MORTY Uh we'll drive around for a while. JERRY You don't have a car. MORTY We'll take a bus. JERRY Come on stop. HELEN No we don't mind MORTY I'll get a book. RACHEL No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway. HELEN O-oh are you sure? RACHEL Yea. HELEN Cuz we don't wann.. JERRY (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right? RACHEL Definitely JERRY Ok.Uh RACHEL (going out the door) It's night meeting you. HELEN Nice meeting you. JERRY Ok, see you later. MORTY Boy that was some show. JERRY What show? MORTY "My Fair Lady" JERRY When did you get tickets to see that? HELEN Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came. JERRY Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting. MORTY We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. JERRY Oh. HELEN He looks better on TV. JERRY Oh (Phone rings) JERRY (answering phone) Hello? (Jack Klompus in Florida) JACK Hello Jerry, JERRY Yea. JACK It's Jack Klompus. JERRY Oh hi Jack. JACK So when are you coming down to Florida again? JERRY As soon as is humanly possible. JACK You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down. JERRY Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it. JACK So uh where's your father? JERRY Ya he's right here. (Jerry hands Morty the phone) MORTY Yea JACK Morty, listen I can't get into the garage. MORTY What do you mean? JACK There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work MORTY You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes. (Doris enters the scene with Jack) DORIS Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes. MORTY You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. JACK Get the hell outta here with your knob. DORIS What does he want from you? MORTY My idiot son could open that garage door. JERRY What did I do? MORTY Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. (Jack is seen hanging up his phone) MORTY They'll be here first thing Thursday morning. HELEN Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock. JERRY (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock. HELEN How are you gonna get all this done in time? MORTY Don't worry about it. JERRY (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time? (Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen) GEORGE They were drinking champagne in a buggy! FRANK First Kramer, then Elaine? GEORGE Yea FRANK It's a slap in the face. ESTELLE (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! FRANK What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room) ESTELLE The hell with them. GEORGE (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying. (George and Estelle move their way into the living room) FRANK Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair) GEORGE (sitting down) Vacation? FRANK You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise. (Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch) GEORGE (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle) FRANK But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic. GEORGE The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years. FRANK How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door) GEORGE (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. FRANK (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes. (Ally outside Rudy's) (Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes) RUDY Lousy moth ridden crap. (Median Monologue) I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus. Schindler's List) (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display) (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out) JERRY Hey. MORTY Hey, Jerry. HELEN So how was the movie? JERRY Oh, really good, really good. HELEN And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) JERRY Like that (snaps his fingers) MORTY What about the end, with the list? JERRY Ya that was some list. HELEN What did you think about the black and white? JERRY (confused) The black and white. MORTY The whole movie was in black and white. JERRY Oh yea, I didn't even realize. MORTY You don't even think about it, there's so much going on. JERRY Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again. (Rudy's Antique Boutique) KRAMER So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle RUDY Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in. KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. (George enters) KRAMER Hey what again? GEORGE I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella. KRAMER Payaya, ya I'll be there. GEORGE Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner. KRAMER No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. GEORGE Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. KRAMER Yap I know. GEORGE You're doing all the leg work. KRAMER That's right GEORGE He's ripping you off KRAMER You're right he's ripping me off GEORGE If anybody should be getting more it's you. KRAMER He's ripping me off GEORGE Well don't let him take advantage of you like that. KRAMER YAH! (exits) RUDY (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap. (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty coming out of the bathroom) MORTY You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? HELEN Well he told you about the place. MORTY So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? HELEN You find something you get a fee. MORTY Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. HELEN Well it's too late now. MORTY Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off. HELEN Well you're not gonna say anything. (Kramer enters) KRAMER I've been thinking about something. MORTY Ya so have I KRAMER Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair. MORTY You don't think it's fair. KRAMER No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work. MORTY What leg work? KRAMER Oh, there's leg work. MORTY If anything you're getting too much. KRAMER Too much?! MORTY That's right, they're my coats. KRAMER Look I want thirty-five percent. MORTY I'm thinking more like fifteen. KRAMER No way I'm taking fifteen. MORTY Well you're not getting thirty-five. KRAMER Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. MORTY Ok it's a deal (They shack hands.) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) RUDY Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. GEORGE I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes. RUDY (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill. GEORGE So uh where are the clothes? RUDY I burned 'em. GEORGE Oh. That's good. (Monk's) (Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth) ELAINE N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal? JERRY It is a tad askew. ELAINE I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it? JERRY I've hardly been out to dinner with them. ELAINE See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice. JERRY You're right he's insane. ELAINE Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. JERRY So what are you going to do? ELAINE I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie? JERRY Uh from what I saw it was pretty good. ELAINE Ya what do you mean from what you saw? JERRY Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. ELAINE Yea why not? JERRY I was kind of um (pauses) making out. ELAINE (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List? JERRY I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me. ELAINE During Schindler's List? JERRY (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. ELAINE Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything? JERRY No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me. ELAINE Oh. (Jerry's Apartment) (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman) NEWMAN Hello Mrs. Seinfeld HELEN (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him) NEWMAN Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket) HELEN Wonderful, we went to the theater last night. NEWMAN Oh the theater. Because I was wondering. HELEN Wondering what? NEWMAN Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. HELEN Well we already saw it. NEWMAN Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. MORTY (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? NEWMAN Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean. HELEN I'm afraid I don't. NEWMAN Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony. MORTY What? NEWMAN What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland. HELEN Jerry was necking during Schindler's List? NEWMAN Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. HELEN Jerry sends his laundry out. NEWMAN (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing) (Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust) (Jerry's Apartment-Later that day) (Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom) JERRY Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do? HELEN How could you? JERRY How could I what? HELEN You were making out during Schindler's List? JERRY What? No. MORTY Don't lie Jerry. JERRY (turns) Newman. HELEN How could you do such a thing? JERRY I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over. (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings) JERRY (answering the phone) Hello. (Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand) JACK Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus. JERRY Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. MORTY Hello JACK Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good. MORTY You didn't get in? JACK Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. MORTY You broke the window? HELEN He broke the window? JACK You wanted those damn boxes didn't you? DORIS (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you. MORTY Did you send them? JACK Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock. MORTY Tomorrow afternoon? HELEN Tomorrow afternoon? JERRY Tomorrow afternoon? MORTY I told you to send them express. JACK W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference. MORTY So what did you do about the window? JACK I gotta fix your window now? MORTY All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight. JERRY W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? HELEN We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. MORTY Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room) HELEN Some place else? What about Paris? MORTY You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now. HELEN I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats. MORTY You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back. HELEN I think you're out of your mind. (Costanza House) FRANK I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear. GEORGE Moths? FRANK Moths, ate three boxes? GEORGE Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere. ESTELLE You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. (Estelle goes to answer the door) KRAMER (from outside) Hello? ESTELLE Hello KRAMER (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) ESTELLE Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen) KRAMER Ooo Paella GEORGE Hey uh let me take you're coat. KRAMER (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. FRANK That shirt, where'd you get that shirt? KRAMER Wha? FRANK That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back KRAMER (trying to get away) woah GEORGE Dad?! KRAMER (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. GEORGE Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes. FRANK Who's Rudy? What clothes? GEORGE I sold your clothes yesterday. FRANK You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? GEORGE I didn't think you wore them anymore. FRANK It's cruise wear! ESTELLE Kramer, I love that shirt. KRAMER Yaya FRANK THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!! ESTELLE You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon. KRAMER Oh, well, thank you. (Estelle giggles) FRANK Who's this Rudy? KRAMER Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. FRANK Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum. KRAMER Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. GEORGE Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? KRAMER Yea. GEORGE What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? KRAMER Well I suppose they are wasted. GEORGE Yes I suppose they are. FRANK Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. KRAMER A mouse! (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door) (Monk's) (Jerry and George enter) JERRY You want the tickets? GEORGE Yes. JERRY You're gonna take this kid to Paris? GEORGE Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards. JERRY You know I'm paying for these tickets. GEORGE It's alright, I got lunch. (Airport) (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) KRAMER Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella? MORTY Not really. KRAMER Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm JERRY Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel? MORTY This is it. KRAMER So how much are we gonna make? MORTY Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations. KRAMER Wha two thousand? Three thousand? MORTY That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item. KRAMER More? More than three thousand? MORTY Just watch me do my thing. JERRY Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? MORTY Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. WOMAN Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. JERRY (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group? (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) GEORGE Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night. JOEY Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris. (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) FRANK You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn. RUDY Who are you anyways? FRANK I'm the father. RUDY He said his father was dead. FRANK He said I was dead? RUDY That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me. FRANK That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars. (Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats) KRAMER Hey, Frank! FRANK Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. MORTY Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. FRANK I'm retracting that it was ever offered. MORTY I retract your retraction. FRANK Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? MORTY Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here. RUDY You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested. KRAMER I thought we had a deal? FRANK That's another one of my shirts!! RUDY I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street. MORTY Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years. RUDY Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff? FRANK My clothes don't have moths! MORTY Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats? RUDY That's right. KRAMER (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it) (Airport) (Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) ANNOUNCEMENT Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. MORTY Ok, let's go. HELEN (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. AARON Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? ELAINE & JERRY NO. MORTY Ah, good-bye. (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss) ELAINE Good-bye JERRY Take care MORTY Alright Jer. (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss) ELAINE Nice to see.. MORTY Buh bye Elaine JERRY Buh bye. HELEN Buh bye. (Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug) HELEN (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home. AARON Thank you. JERRY I think she meant me, but. MORTY Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. JERRY Ok. (Morty and Helen go to board the plane) ELAINE Bye. JERRY Bye. (Aaron begins to follow them) ELAINE Aaron? Aaron are you ok? AARON I could've done more. I could've done so much more. ELAINE You did enough. AARON (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out. JERRY You tried Aaron, it was too expensive. AARON (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent) ELAINE Why? AARON (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please! (Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny) (Rachel's Parents' Place) (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers) JERRY Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? MR. GOLDSTEIN I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter. JERRY Why what did I do? MR. GOLDSTEIN (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door) JERRY Rachel! MR. GOLDSTEIN (closing the door on Jerry) Good night! JERRY Rachel! (Monk's) (Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth) JERRY So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything. ELAINE Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? JERRY The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. ELAINE Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. JERRY Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them. ELAINE (sighs) So how about that Aaron? JERRY Whew ELAINE You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked? JERRY No I hadn't noticed. (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) NEWMAN (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please. JERRY (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman. NEWMAN (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry. JERRY Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night. NEWMAN Ohh, were you there? JERRY Yes I was. NEWMAN (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. JERRY Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? NEWMAN (couple quick breaths) Shocking. JERRY Yes, well that was nothing. (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up) NEWMAN (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry! (Jerry chases Newman right out the door) (Paris) (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) GEORGE Where the hell is your father?! (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) (Cruise ship out in the Ocean) (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) ESTELLE This is the best thing we ever did. FRANK I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. ESTELLE Ah forget about them let's just... (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) (Comedy club) Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible. THE END |
THE OPPOSITE | THE OPPOSITE Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan (Comedy club) JERRY It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our jacket. "I have a snot rag." We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne. MR. LIPPMAN To your promotion. ELAINE Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it. MR LIPPMAN Well, you're really on your way now. Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. ELAINE You really oughtta do something about that cold. (Monk's) JERRY You got a raise? ELAINE I don't fool around, baby! JERRY I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble. ELAINE They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate. JERRY Oh, when did that happen? ELAINE They're signing the papers next week. JERRY Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book? ELAINE Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. JERRY Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal. ELAINE Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together. JERRY Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you. Enter George JERRY Speaking of having it all ... Where were you? GEORGE I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks ) JERRY Oh, the beach. GEORGE It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. JERRY What is it that isn't working? GEORGE Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. ( A waitress comes up to G ) WAITRESS Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee. GEORGE Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. ELAINE Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. JERRY You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. GEORGE Good for the tuna. ( A blonde looks at George ) ELAINE Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. GEORGE So what? What am I supposed to do? ELAINE Go talk to her. GEORGE Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. JERRY Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. GEORGE Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. JERRY If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. GEORGE Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! ( He goes over to the woman ) GEORGE Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction. VICTORIA Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. ( G takes a deep breath ) GEORGE My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. VICTORIA I'm Victoria. Hi. Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. ( Enter Kramer ) KRAMER Hey. Buddy, it's all happening! JERRY What's happening? KRAMER The coffee table book. It's a go! JERRY Oh yeah, I heard all about it. KRAMER You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop: Regis and Kathy Lee. JERRY You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? KRAMER Oh, you better believe it! JERRY I'll loan you my puffy shirt. KRAMER No,no,no. JERRY What're you gonna talk about? KRAMER Well, coffee tables. ( The phone rings ) JERRY Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. ( Turns to K ) JERRY You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money. KRAMER You know who you are? Even Steven Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving VICTORIA Are you growing a beard? GEORGE Why shave every day? It just grows right back. VICTORIA I guess ... GEORGE I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work. ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver ) VICTORIA Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?! GEORGE Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world. Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria MAN NO.1 Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? MAN NO.2 Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! ( They kick G and Victoria's seats ) VICTORIA What are we gonna do? Shall we just move? GEORGE That won't be necessary. ( G gets up and turns towards the two men ) GEORGE Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! ( People applaud as G sits down again ) Cut to G's car VICTORIA Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty. GEORGE I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well. VICTORIA Who are you, George Costanza? GEORGE I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone THEATER MANAGER Excuse me, is your name Elaine? ELAINE Yes. THEATER MANAGER Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here? ELAINE Yeah. THEATER MANAGER Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident. ELAINE An accident? What happened? THEATER MANAGER He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent Hospital, room 907. ELAINE Oh. Ok. Thank you. ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter ) ELAINE Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? Cut to hospital JAKE So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip. ELAINE ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. ( Jake looks at E eating ) ELAINE You want one? JAKE No thanks. ELAINE So when do you think you're gonna get outta here? JAKE Where did you get those? ELAINE At the movies. JAKE Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in? ELAINE Yeah, he did. JAKE Then when did you get those? ELAINE Right after ... that ... JAKE So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? ELAINE Well... the counter...was right there, and... JAKE I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you. ELAINE No, no, it does! JAKE If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit! ELAINE But...Jake... JAKE I would like to be alone now, please. ELAINE But, Jake, I didn't... JAKE Goodnight! Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night. MAN NO.1 Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? MAN NO.2 Good idea, I'm kinda tired. MAN NO.3 How'd you do? MAN NO.4 Won 50. MAN NO.2 Lost 72. MAN NO.1 Won 37. MAN NO.3 Lost 15. JERRY Broke even. Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee" REGIS Can I bring out our next guest now? KATHY LEE Please, please. REGIS Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part - KATHY LEE I love this. REGIS It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! KATHY LEE Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever! REGIS I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage? KATHY LEE I did. REGIS I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he? KATHY LEE I love his hair. REGIS Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer! ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee ) KATHY LEE I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something! REGIS Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea? KRAMER Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time. REGIS You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books! KRAMER Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school! KATHY LEE Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. KRAMER You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. ( Demonstrates with his book ) KATHY LEE Is that fabulous? REGIS Look at this! KATHY LEE Is that fabulous? REGIS Fabulous! KATHY LEE I want one of these. REGIS Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? KATHY LEE This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables. KRAMER That's true. That's right. REGIS Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine? KRAMER Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head ) REGIS I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is! KATHY LEE But he's adorable. ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress ) REGIS We'll be right back. Cut to Jerry's apartment JERRY So it's all over? ELAINE Yeah, it got pretty nasty. JERRY And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit? ELAINE It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab. JERRY Why didn't you eat it in the cab? ELAINE Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first. ( E points to the table ) ELAINE What's all this? JERRY Played cards last night. ELAINE Oh yeah? How'd you do? JERRY Broke even. ELAINE You always break even. JERRY Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out! ELAINE Do you have twenty bucks? JERRY What for? ELAINE Just gimme twenty bucks. ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ) JERRY What the hell was that? ELAINE Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. JERRY You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back. ELAINE You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together - JERRY Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first. ( George comes in ) GEORGE Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was - JERRY Bad. GEORGE Day was - ELAINE Night. GEORGE Yes! JERRY So you just did the opposite of everything? GEORGE Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion. JERRY So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket ) JERRY Elaine ... look! A twenty! ELAINE Oh my God. Cut to Mr.Lippman's office KRAMER Hey boss. MR. LIPPMAN Kramer. Come in. KRAMER How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian ) MR. LIPPMAN Have a seat. KRAMER What, have you got yourself a cold? ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair ) KRAMER Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. MR. LIPPMAN The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and - KRAMER It was pretty good, huh? ( New sneeze, K jumps again ) MR. LIPPMAN Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows. KRAMER Because of the coffee thing? MR.LIPPMAN Kramer, I'm sorry. KRAMER What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"? MR. LIPPMAN It's out - KRAMER She's a doctor, I got a thing for her. MR. LIPPMAN Kramer, I - ( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair ) Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview MR. CUSHMAN Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences? GEORGE Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. MR. CUSHMAN Go on. GEORGE Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. MR. CUSHMAN Do you talk to everybody like this? GEORGE Of course. MR. CUSHMAN My niece told me you were different. GEORGE I am different, yeah. MR. CUSHMAN I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. ( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair ) MR. CUSHMAN Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants. MR. STEINBRENNER Nice to meet you. GEORGE Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego! MR. STEINBRENNER Hire this man! Cut to Pendant Publishing SECRETARY Tina Robbins is here to see you. MAN Who's that? ELAINE Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub- letting my apartment from her. MAN Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey. TINA Please. ELAINE Hi Tina. TINA Hi Elaine. ELAINE So, I haven't seen you in a while. TINA Elaine, we have a problem. ELAINE Well, what is it? TINA You're getting kicked out. ELAINE Kicked out?! Why?! TINA Well, there's been a number of complaints. ELAINE Yeah? Like what? TINA Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. ELAINE I didn't know who he was! TINA That's why there's a buzzer. ELAINE What else? TINA Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building. ELAINE What else have you got? TINA Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag ) Cut to Monk's JERRY I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe. RACHEL I suppose... JERRY Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points. RACHEL Jerry ... JERRY Yes? RACHEL I've been doing a lot of thinking. JERRY Aha? RACHEL Well, I don't think we should see each other any more. JERRY Oh, that's okay. RACHEL What? JERRY Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else. RACHEL You will? JERRY Sure. See, things always even out for me. RACHEL Huh? JERRY It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck! RACHEL Yeah, you too. Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment JERRY The New York Yankees?! GEORGE The New York Yankees! JERRY Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza? GEORGE I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting! JERRY I can't believe it. ( The door buzzes, J lets E up ) GEORGE And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw? JERRY That's a great place! GEORGE I'm back in business, baby! JERRY George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out. GEORGE Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful ) JERRY Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hi. JERRY How're things going? ELAINE How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment! JERRY Why? Why are they doing that? ELAINE I don't know! They have a list of grievances. JERRY The jewel thief? ELAINE Yeah, the jewel thief. JERRY What else? ELAINE I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month. GEORGE Well, you could move in with my parents. ELAINE Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers ) GEORGE Instinct. ELAINE Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead ) JERRY Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me? Cut to Pendant Publishing SECRETARY Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here. MR. LIPPMAN Alright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us. ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...) ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him ) INTERPRETER Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company. ( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's ) MR LIPPMAN I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs. ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere ) Cut to George's parents' house JERRY Is that the end of it? GEORGE Yeah, it's the last one. ESTELLE I can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream. KRAMER Oh, it's true. GEORGE Alright, let's go. FRANK Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead ) GEORGE I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job. ESTELLE Jerry, did you hear this? JERRY He knows what he's doing. ( G pulls both his parents to him ) GEORGE I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much. ( K and J look at each other ) JERRY Opposite. Cut to Monk's ELAINE I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk! JERRY Why'd you have to eat so many? ELAINE Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. JERRY Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book. KRAMER Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? ELAINE Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George. JERRY Don't say that. ELAINE It's true. I'm George! I'm George! ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit ) GEORGE Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress:) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy. ( J and K pay the check ) KRAMER Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours. JERRY Ah ... let's call it even. (Comedy club) JERRY Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee. THE END |
THE GUM | THE GUM Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) JERRY (unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think 'What is the big deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. (as sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.' (Monk's) (Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual) GEORGE You think she's happy? JERRY Who? GEORGE (indicates with his head) The cashier. JERRY Ruthie Cohen? GEORGE (surprised) You know her name? JERRY Sure. GEORGE I don't think I've ever spoken to her. JERRY Maybe that's why she's happy. (Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers) KRAMER (handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen. JERRY What is this? KRAMER (removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex (Theatre) JERRY That stinky old movie-house? KRAMER (sits beside Jerry) Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place. GEORGE (gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus? KRAMER (lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood. JERRY Geoffrey who? KRAMER Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production. GEORGE Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV? KRAMER Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill? (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? I'm supposed to meet him here. GEORGE Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet him for? KRAMER Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status. JERRY I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign. KRAMER Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution. GEORGE Really? KRAMER Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing. JERRY Oh, then I'm not worried. Lloyd Braun enters in the background. KRAMER But he still needs all of our support. Now, when he gets here treat him like he's one of the gang, huh. Lloyd wanders toward the guys at the table. GEORGE (thoughtful) Breakdown, huh? LLOYD Hey Kramer. KRAMER Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and shakes Lloyd's hand) LLOYD How you doing? KRAMER (slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. (sits himself) LLOYD Hi Jerry. JERRY Lloyd. LLOYD George. Lloyd sits beside George. GEORGE Hello, Lloyd. How you doing? KRAMER Yeah well, he's doing fine, George. LLOYD (offering packet) Gum? JERRY (peering) That's an interesting package. LLOYD Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try a piece. Tell me that's not the most delicious gum you've ever tasted. KRAMER Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is. (he takes pieces for himself and Jerry) LLOYD George? GEORGE I don't chew gum. JERRY (chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it? LLOYD Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it. JERRY Nah, don't bother. LLOYD No, it's no problem. JERRY I don't want it. KRAMER Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm. (Jerry's Apartment) George sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet. Jerry is still chewing and by his face, he's not enjoying it. GEORGE You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y (he spits it into the waste bin) ELAINE What kind is that? JERRY It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me. ELAINE Lloyd Braun? How's he doing? GEORGE (almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up. ELAINE You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you? JERRY You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months. ELAINE Yeah? Well, I got news for you. GEORGE The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?' JERRY And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you. George snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement. Then he picks up his jacket and heads for the door. GEORGE Right, gotta get going. JERRY Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus? GEORGE Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents. JERRY I thought your parents were outta town? GEORGE Why d'you think I'm going now? Queens) George has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly guy is on the porch of his house and recognises George. POP Georgie! GEORGE Hey, Mr Lazzari. POP Back in the old neighborhood, ah? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks. POP Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron? GEORGE Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to John Voight. POP The actor, right? GEORGE Something like that. POP Mind if I look under the hood? GEORGE Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you always knew your cars. A young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches. POP Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's here. Pop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment. DEENA George Costanza, is that you? GEORGE Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they hug) Oh my gosh, you look as pretty as you did back in high school. DEENA Boy, those were some crazy times. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun? Lobby) Kramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There are a few customers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter. Elaine has a big bucket of popcorn. KRAMER The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time. ELAINE Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you? KRAMER Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings. JERRY Oh, can Lloyd really do that? KRAMER Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine. ELAINE (concerned) What? Lloyd is here? Kramer indicates Lloyd approaching. ELAINE What? No, no, I'd rather... LLOYD Hi Elaine. ELAINE (big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello. LLOYD Kramer tell you? We reserved some special seats, so we can all sit together. ELAINE (reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll see you afterwards. Elaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium. LLOYD That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses? KRAMER (emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot 'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy. Auditorium) Jerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating popcorn. JERRY We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special seats? ELAINE I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable. The lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry and Elaine lean back in their seats to be able to see the screen JERRY Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable. Queens) Deena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of George's car. Bangs and clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics. DEENA Poor Lloyd. GEORGE I know. Completely bonkers! DEENA Sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop. GEORGE Pop? What happened to Pop? DEENA I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm taking care of him. Pop comes out momentarily. POP Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em like this any more. He goes back under the hood. GEORGE (a little worried) He uh, he doesn't have the auto shop any more? DEENA Uhn, it was too much for him. Pop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner. GEORGE (very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go. DEENA What? GEORGE I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop. Pop, put down the wrench, Pop. Auditorium) Kramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching Spartacus. They're smiling happily. Jerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats. They're both eating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it rests next to a fancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button without noticing. The button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus. (George's Car) George is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual engine noise can be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens for a few moments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned, then angry. GEORGE Pop! POP!! Lobby) Kramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe, Jerry massaging his neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them. LLOYD 's a great movie, huh? KRAMER Yeah. LLOYD Sorry you forgot those glasses. JERRY I don't know what I was thinking. LLOYD How'd you like that gum? JERRY (noncommittal) Errh. KRAMER (slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he loved it. Elaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium, her blouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the shop window. Not that she knows it. ELAINE Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there isn't a light there, in the ladies' room. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired. Elaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and feels the back of her neck with her hand. ELAINE Oh. Oh God. LLOYD You alright? Elaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing her upperworks into greater prominence. ELAINE Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. I just gotta stretch out in a hot bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd. Elaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her. (Street Outside Alex) Elaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist is using a hose to wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully steps by, picking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure. A cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches him. ELAINE Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has to always be using a hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he just use a broom? The cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking. COP Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist) Hey, you with the hose. Elaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and notices her blouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide her embarrassment, and hurries away. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles. KRAMER Yeah, put these glasses on. JERRY (taking them) Well, what's this for? KRAMER Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now. JERRY So what? KRAMER Well, he thinks you wear those. Jerry looks at the glasses with some distaste. KRAMER They're from the lost and found at the Alex. JERRY Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on. KRAMER Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice. (Monk's) George leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which sits Ruthie Cohen. GEORGE 'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten. CASHIER I don't think so. GEORGE Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register? CASHIER Not unless you buy something. GEORGE Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum. Lloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier rings up George's purchase. LLOYD Hey George. Thought you didn't chew gum? GEORGE I don't. Ruthie opens the drawer on the register. CASHIER Take a look. George goes round to the other side of the register and picks up all the twenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them for doodles. GEORGE I know I gave it to you. LLOYD George, would you mind. I'm kind of in a hurry. In addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay. GEORGE (frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) Excuse me. (heading for the door) Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't forget that easily! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as to conceal his face. KRAMER Hey, Jerry, look who's here. Jerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his visitor. He also reveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave him earlier. JERRY Ah, Lloyd. LLOYD Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum. He proffers the packet to Jerry. JERRY (unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum. KRAMER Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh? JERRY (still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece) KRAMER Oh, boy. Kramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing on the gum. KRAMER Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this. Jerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them. JERRY Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Jerry puts his glasses back on. LLOYD Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you to him, you can get it whenever you want. JERRY 's not necessary. KRAMER Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour. JERRY I know that, Kramer. LLOYD Well, if you don't want to... KRAMER No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry? JERRY Yes I do, Kramer. LLOYD So... KRAMER Yeah? LLOYD How about that Elaine today, huh? KRAMER Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh? LLOYD (to Jerry) She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre. JERRY I didn't see anything. KRAMER Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, buddy. Wooh, ba-boom, ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba. They continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry clearly not liking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it to Lloyd. (Park) George and Deena sit on a bench. DEENA You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again. George clearly thinks he's clicked. GEORGE Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's understandable. He pats Deena on the knee. DEENA I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I uh, become very sensitive to the warning signs. GEORGE Warning signs? DEENA Nervousness, irritability, paranoia. GEORGE (disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me. DEENA Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others. GEORGE All my friends do that. DEENA George, I'm only trying to help... George is staring past Deena at something a short distance away. DEENA I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me? GEORGE You see that woman on the horse? (points) Ruthie Cohen is passing by on horseback. GEORGE She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting angry) Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered! DEENA So again it all comes back to Lloyd. GEORGE (rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back here!! Don't gallop away!! George runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen. (Monk's) Jerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier on duty. JERRY So you say she was on a horse? GEORGE I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money. JERRY Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue. ELAINE (sits beside Jerry) What? JERRY I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex. ELAINE (laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I musta left it at the theatre. JERRY Maybe it's in the lost and found. ELAINE Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's. JERRY You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it. Lobby) Kramer greets a small elderly gent. KRAMER Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex Theatre. HAARWOOD Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles. KRAMER Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we? Kramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found box. HAARWOOD They're half-glasses. Kramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred. KRAMER Brown? HAARWOOD Mmm, yes, yes. Kramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the counter. KRAMER Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in the box, I'm sure they'll turn up soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go out and get some paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop. HAARWOOD Certainly. Kramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents of the box. After a few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer look. It's the button Elaine dropped earlier. HAARWOOD Oh my goodness. What a spanking button. Street Outside Alex) George starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises. As he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street behind him. The driver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot. GEORGE (glances in mirror) Alright. Alright. The horn sounds again. GEORGE (getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming up! The horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had enough. He climbs out of his car. GEORGE (angrily) Oh you mother... George stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of the car sounding its horn. GEORGE Hey! What is your problem? The driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen. GEORGE Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. (smug) Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie? CASHIER Your car's on fire. The reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window. George dashes off back to his car. GEORGE Aah! Fire! CASHIER (after George) Merry Christmas! Flames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron. GEORGE (shouting) Fire!! The florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him. GEORGE Your hose! Where's your hose?! FLORIST Cop made me disconnect it. George grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at the flames with no effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight. (Street Outside Alex) The whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body parts have melted away. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within. George stands, holding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically at the damage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight. KRAMER Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy? GEORGE The Jon Voight car is no more. KRAMER Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to. GEORGE No kidding? KRAMER No kidding. GEORGE Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one. KRAMER Yeah, merry Christmas. Kramer walks on. GEORGE (staring at the wreck) Whatever. Lobby) Jerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier. JERRY Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun? KRAMER What, he's not here yet? JERRY Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it! KRAMER Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses. Kramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face. JERRY Why? KRAMER They're Geoffrey Haarwood's. Kramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair of spectacles. KRAMER (proffering) Here, try this pair. Jerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first pair - they're like bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified hugely. It's obvious he can't see at all clearly. JERRY Aw, these are really strong glasses. He takes a step and almost trips over the counter. LLOYD Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready to go? JERRY (lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah. KRAMER (clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, he's all ready to go. LLOYD Anybody see Elaine today? KRAMER Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. She's coming over to check out lost and found. LLOYD Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today. Or not wearing, if you know what I mean. They chuckle. JERRY Absolutely. Let's just stick around. LLOYD Ah, tell you what, they're expecting us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog here. KRAMER Uh, yeah. Lloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant. LLOYD I'd like a hotdog, please. The attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog. The appearance of the article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally disgusting. ATTENDANT Are you outta your mind? Hearing this, Kramer dashes over. KRAMER Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here? ATTENDANT This hotdog's been here since the silent era. You'd have to be insane to eat it. KRAMER No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now there's nothing wrong with it or you. LLOYD Kramer, maybe... KRAMER No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams a bill down on the counter) One hotdog please. ATTENDANT (on your head be it) Okay. KRAMER Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh? The attendant hands over the hotdog. KRAMER Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious. Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite) As he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should be with the hotdog. KRAMER Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. (he half-coughs, half-retches) I gotta get, some air. Kramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling from his mouth. (Street Outside Alex) Kramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily, and loosening his collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk again. As Kramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog ends with the hotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le Baron and vomits copiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against his door, and fetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding. Later) The florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine walks up to him. ELAINE Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told to stop using that hose? FLORIST How would you happen to know that? ELAINE Well, uhm... I... FLORIST (accusing) You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't you? ELAINE Uh... I... A voice calls from across the street. VOICE Hey, Joe! The florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises the nozzle of his hose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine. ELAINE No, wait! You're soaking me, you're soaking me! The florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose. Lobby) Jerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands comforting Kramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing a wringing wet t-shirt. ELAINE Hey. Hey everybody. LLOYD Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed to top yourself. C'mon Jerry, let's go. Car's out front. Lloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the over-strength glasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes. JERRY Lloyd? He moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel for obstacles. JERRY Lloyd? Jerry leaves. ELAINE (exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem? KRAMER Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt. ELAINE Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose. KRAMER Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints. Elaine casts her eyes heavenward. (Street Outside Alex) The remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite side of the road, watching, are Deena and George. DEENA So, you want my father to pay for this? GEORGE You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there. DEENA And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too. GEORGE No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier. DEENA What cashier? GEORGE You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot. DEENA To park her horse? GEORGE No, she wasn't on the horse. DEENA So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse? GEORGE That's right. Across the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging flowers. GEORGE (points) And him! DEENA The man with the flowers? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but... A car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window. GEORGE I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld. DEENA Who? GEORGE Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. (calls to Jerry) Jerry. Jerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can see are blurry colored shapes. GEORGE Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me! The car pulls away, leaving George calling after it. GEORGE Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're... DEENA (doubtful) That was your best friend? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses. DEENA That man was wearing glasses. GEORGE I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd Braun's Car) Jerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car. LLOYD I'll run in and get the gum. JERRY Alright. LLOYD Got any money? Jerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts a bill. He peers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but the glasses are still too strong. JERRY (handing it over) Here. Lloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise. LLOYD (climbing out of the car) I'll be back. (Street) George and Deena walk along together. GEORGE Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. This is just a series of bad coincidences. DEENA I don't know, George. I don't know what to believe. GEORGE Believe me, I am not crazy. DEENA Well, I guess it's possible. (Lloyd Braun's Car) Jerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes, which he hands to Jerry. LLOYD Here y'go. JERRY (indistinct) Got all this? LLOYD Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth. JERRY (incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?! LLOYD You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum? JERRY It's a lotta gum! (The Institute) The room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies. KRAMER Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses. HAARWOOD Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute for the Preservation of Motion Picture Costumes and Wardrobe. KRAMER Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W. HAARWOOD Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute. Kramer notices a particular costume. KRAMER Is that from Henry the Eighth? HAARWOOD Yes, yes, it is. KRAMER Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think that I could wear that to promote the theatre? HAARWOOD Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only person who could really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat generous proportions. KRAMER (an idea occurs) You don't say. (Street) Kramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry VIII costume - doublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc. KRAMER You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick. KRAMER Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing. GEORGE (angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here. He gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window of a kiosk. GEORGE (handing over a bill) Can I get a pack of gum, please? GUY I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president. GEORGE What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? (snorts) I guess I owe that cashier an apology. Deena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in his costume and jumps to the obvious conclusion. DEENA Oh my God! GEORGE No, no. Deena, it's not what you think. Deena turns and begins to walk away. GEORGE Th... this isn't mine. George begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot. GEORGE I got it from the Institute. The Institute. Deena breaks into a run, with George chasing her. GEORGE (shouting) Dee... Deena! Lobby) Kramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr Haarwood enters. KRAMER Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere. HAARWOOD Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend King Henry? KRAMER Oh, he ran away. Lloyd enters. LLOYD Hey Kramer. KRAMER I need to talk to you. Lloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they go into a quiet conversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular at the button he's wearing on his cravat. ELAINE You know, that button looks very familiar. HAARWOOD Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory. ELAINE I, I think that's my button. (wanders over to Haarwood) You know, I've been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here? HAARWOOD Yes, it was in the lost and found. ELAINE Shall I undo it? HAARWOOD Oh yes, of course you can. ELAINE Oh, thank you. Elaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his chin to remove the button. HAARWOOD I'm a little ticklish. ELAINE Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle. Kramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine tickling Mr Haarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting. LLOYD We've really gotta get the Elaine a boyfriend. KRAMER Oh, tell me about it. THE END |
THE ENGLISH PATIENT | THE ENGLISH PATIENT Written by Steve Koren (Subway Train) Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry. JERRY You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand? ELAINE Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo? JERRY He's wailing on that banjo. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY I just don't understand the raisinettes. ELAINE The sax player? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes. ELAINE So? JERRY Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse. ELAINE HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend. JERRY Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children. ELAINE He's a musician. JERRY Musicians. Get a real job. They shrug and return to their reading. (Monk's) George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes over to take his order. WAITRESS What d'you want? GEORGE Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me. The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind him, a beautiful woman enters, and approaches him. DANIELLE (to George) Neil. The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention. DANIELLE Neil. George turns to face the woman. DANIELLE (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend here. He looks just like you. GEORGE (bemused) Really? DANIELLE (smiling) Yeah. GEORGE (pointing to himself) Like me? DANIELLE Uh-huh. Sorry. Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned. GEORGE (confused, to himself) Like me? But how? The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter before George. WAITRESS Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised? GEORGE Yes, yes, I am. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought in a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt. KRAMER Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck. Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of the shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'. KRAMER Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy. JERRY (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect. George enters. KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. GEORGE Hey. You ready? JERRY Almost. KRAMER Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house? JERRY (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy. KRAMER Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out. JERRY (grudging) Alright. KRAMER Yeahh. I owe you one. JERRY (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even. Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge and wanders into the living room, talking. GEORGE Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend. JERRY (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds. GEORGE (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible? JERRY Maybe he has money. GEORGE (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know. JERRY (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do. GEORGE Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane. JERRY (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut? Jerry opens the door as George looks at him. GEORGE (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend. George leaves, followed by Jerry. (Outside Movie Theatre) Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line. BLAINE So, what d'you wanna see? ELAINE (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch? BLAINE (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up for all those Oscars. Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's choice. ELAINE Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch. BLAINE It's a family in a brown paper bag. ELAINE (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there? BLAINE No. Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the ticket booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'. ELAINE (disappointment) Aww. Sold out. BLAINE (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient. Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys tickets. ELAINE So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack? (Monk's) Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters and sees her. GEORGE (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like Neil? DANIELLE (smiling back) Hi. GEORGE Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here? DANIELLE Oh, no. He got held up at work. GEORGE Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar. DANIELLE Well, you know, you don't look that much like him. GEORGE (disappointment) Oh. Course not. DANIELLE No, you're a little taller. George looks ever more bewildered. DANIELLE You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work out? GEORGE (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward... Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not against the idea. GEORGE ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number? Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered. (Outside Movie Theatre) Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English Patient. ELAINE (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk! BLAINE I kinda liked it. ELAINE (firm) No you didn't. From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see her. They're all holding tissues. CAROL Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient? GAIL (tearful) Didn't you love it? LISA How could you not love that movie? ELAINE How about, it sucked? CAROL That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him. ELAINE (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick. Blaine gives Elaine a strange look. (Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista) Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment - exercise bike, weights, etc. MORTY Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want. JERRY Stairmaster? MORTY What? JERRY Nothin'. MORTY (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing? Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt. JERRY Oh, did you get that outta my bag? MORTY No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me. JERRY You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice. In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and begins doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry. MORTY Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch this. Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high. MORTY See that? You couldn't do that. JERRY I could, but I choose not to. Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise bike and climbs aboard. SID Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this? MORTY This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he can lift more than Izzy. JERRY (protesting) I..I didn't say that. SID (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can. Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to the floor with a clunk. IZZY Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian. JERRY (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian. SID That's not so funny. IZZY (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh? MORTY Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties. JERRY (jocular) Eighteen-fifties? IZZY Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) Let's see you lift that. JERRY (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I... IZZY C'mon, c'mon. Pump it! JERRY (consenting) Alright. IZZY Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house. Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily. JERRY There. Alright? IZZY Step aside, stringbean. Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps in front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights. IZZY I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch. Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into the lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror comes to his face. IZZY (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh. Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's face down on the floor. IZZY (drawn out) Aaaahh. Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned. SID Somebody, call an ambulance. MORTY (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman. There's room for one more. (Outside Movie Theatre) Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's buying her ticket from the booth. ELAINE (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good. Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming out. ELAINE (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here? LISA We just saw The English Patient again. GAIL It's even better the second time. ELAINE They make it longer? Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella. BLAINE (to the girls) Got my umbrella. ELAINE (shocked) Blaine!? BLAINE Elaine. ELAINE I thought you were busy tonight. BLAINE (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't like The English Patient. ELAINE It's just a stupid movie. BLAINE (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about. CAROL (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go. BLAINE (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch! Blaine walks away with the girls. ELAINE (fierce) I will! (Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista) Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are in their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt. HELEN (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself. JERRY (defensive) He egged me on. HELEN You should be more mature. JERRY He's eighty! MORTY (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. Now, goodnight. Morty begins to head to the bedroom. HELEN (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight. MORTY This shirt will never leave my body. Helen follows Morty down the short hallway. HELEN (to Jerry) Goodnight. JERRY (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself. There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three Hispanic-looking guys. GUILLERMO Jerry Seinfeld please. JERRY Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars? The guys enter. GUILLERMO What cigars? JERRY Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans. GUILLERMO (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans. Jerry stares, stunned. (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista) Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove, and Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and Kramer answers. KRAMER Yeah, hello, Jerry's place. In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch and a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone. JERRY (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?! KRAMER I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant? JERRY Cigars! KRAMER Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys. JERRY (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now? KRAMER Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up. Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter. JERRY (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad. Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out. MORTY (without looking up) Who are they? JERRY They're Cuban cigar rollers. MORTY (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother. Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone. JERRY What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce? KRAMER Hot and spicy. JERRY (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you? KRAMER Yes I am. JERRY What colour is it? Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think. KRAMER Damn! Kramer hangs up the phone. (New York Hallway) George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a napkin in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking at George, very much as if she's interested. GEORGE You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't have to take me out to dinner. DANIELLE I wanted to give it to you in person. George shrugs his understanding. DANIELLE (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner. Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully. GEORGE Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast? DANIELLE (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it. GEORGE (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls. DANIELLE Well, goodnight. Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely oblivious to Danielle. GEORGE (hurried) I'll see you. Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed. (Monk's) An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee. WAITRESS Rough night? ELAINE Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie. WAITRESS Really? I thought it was pretty good. ELAINE Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use! WAITRESS (sour) Well, I liked it. The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back. ELAINE (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work! (Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista) Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit. Izzy is asleep in the bed. JERRY This is quite a condo. MORTY The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants. JERRY The crepe place? MORTY Yeah. This is all big crepe money. JERRY (doubtful) There's crepe money? Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed. IZZY What are you doing here? JERRY (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself. Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks. IZZY What the hell is that? JERRY What? IZZY That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad? MORTY This was a gift from my son. Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles. IZZY Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one. Izzy starts to move to get out of bed. JERRY Mr Mandelbaum, please. IZZY It's go time. Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in his stance, arms raised. IZZY (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move. Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern. MORTY Call an ambulance. JERRY I think I saw one a coupla doors down. Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty. (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista) Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table. JERRY (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?! Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor. GEORGE (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle. JERRY (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him. GEORGE (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that? JERRY I don't know, but you better keep it up. GEORGE I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha! George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes. JERRY (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello. In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt. MORTY Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist? JERRY I will, I just walked in the door. HELEN You have to go see him. JERRY Ma. MORTY Helen, will you stop bothering him. HELEN Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head. MORTY Number One, signing off. The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated. KRAMER Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!? JERRY What? KRAMER (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans. JERRY So? KRAMER So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off. JERRY What's the difference? KRAMER Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it. JERRY (confused) We're talking about people, right? KRAMER Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it. JERRY I thought they smelled pretty nice. KRAMER Jerry, your palate's unrefined. JERRY Is not. KRAMER Is too. JERRY Is not. KRAMER Is too. JERRY I'm not having this conversation. KRAMER Are too. JERRY Am not. KRAMER Are too. JERRY Am not. KRAMER Are too. (J Peterman's Office) Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick up notes, photographs, etc. PETERMAN Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary. DUGAN (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me. Dugan walks away. PETERMAN Elaine, what'd you think? ELAINE (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked. PETERMAN (aghast) You haven't seen it? ELAINE (shakes head) No. PETERMAN That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now. Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer. (The New York Hospital) Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it. JERRY Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number. Jerry turns to walk out. IZZY Uh, oh, wait. Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it up to his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest DAD!' IZZY How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me. JERRY (humouring him) That's very nice. IZZY The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better than just number one. JERRY Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are. Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on the door, attracting Izzy's attention. IZZY Hi, son. IZZY JR. Hi daddy. JERRY (surprise) This is your son? IZZY I got married in high school. IZZY JR. (to Jerry) Hey, who are you? IZZY This is Seinfeld's kid. IZZY JR. Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age. JERRY (jocular) You got any kids? IZZY JR. Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head. JERRY (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything. IZZY (pointing) The television. JERRY (under his breath) Oh no. Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet. IZZY JR. This one's for you, Pop. It's go time. Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as he tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry cringes in the background. IZZY JR. (pained) Ohh! My back! IZZY (urgent) Call an ambulance. JERRY (laconic) We're already in a hospital. (Earl Haffler's Office) A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking, stetson-wearing, Texan businessman. HAFFLER Awright, partner. Let's get down to business. KRAMER (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans. Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently. KRAMER They're right out here. Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps. KRAMER Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans. Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two. HAFFLER You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you? KRAMER (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh. HAFFLER (confusion) We're talking about people, right? KRAMER (puzzled) I think so. HAFFLER I thought he quit smoking cigars. KRAMER Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for a second) ...Dennis. HAFFLER (dubious) Dennis Castro? KRAMER Uh, Dwayne. HAFFLER Get the hell outta my office. KRAMER (shrill) What!? (Monk's) Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth. DANIELLE You know, Neil called me today. GEORGE (interested) Really? DANIELLE Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with you. GEORGE (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil. DANIELLE He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee. GEORGE (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me. DANIELLE (surprised) What? GEORGE (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee. Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused. (Movie Theatre) Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing and many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is particularly emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces of popcorn up in the air to try and catch them in her mouth. PETERMAN (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was. One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her seat. Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping in her seat wearily. ELAINE (indifferent) Yuh. (Monk's) Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from a bottle of some anti-acid medication. JERRY (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you? GEORGE I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil. JERRY (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong? George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching. GEORGE (animated) Then I'm going to Mars! JERRY What if it's Neil Diamond? GEORGE (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up! JERRY Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital. GEORGE What, to see the old guy? JERRY No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too. GEORGE How old's the son? JERRY I think he's the same age as the father. GEORGE What is with this family? JERRY I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket. Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where the three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he moves over to join Jerry and George. KRAMER (quietly) Hey, Jerry. Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb. KRAMER (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit. JERRY You're cold? KRAMER No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat. JERRY Something wrong with your chest? KRAMER (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There. JERRY (leaning round Kramer) Where? KRAMER (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look. Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, as they try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans. KRAMER Over there. The Dominicans. JERRY Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars? KRAMER Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do. GEORGE So? KRAMER So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing. In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to underscore a point in his argument. JERRY Boy, they seem pretty angry about something. KRAMER (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente! Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the sound. (The New York Hospital) Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side. JERRY I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table. IZZY JR. I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida. JERRY He couldn't handle the weight. IZZY (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me? IZZY JR. (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?! JERRY (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me. IZZY Okay. An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He spreads his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums. IZZY SR. My boys. IZZY My dad. IZZY JR. My grandpa. JERRY (incredulous) Oh, come on! IZZY SR. (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him? JERRY He was trying to lift the TV. IZZY SR. (pointing) That TV? Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV. JERRY (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time. Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound IZZY IZZY SR.. (pained) Oohh! (The New York Hospital) All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same room. IZZY SR. Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down! IZZY I still thought you could do it. IZZY JR. Me too. Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum... JERRY Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go. IZZY Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games. JERRY (defensive) I didn't ruin your business. IZZY Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up. JERRY (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that? IZZY Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan! JERRY (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em? IZZY Yeah. JERRY (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later. Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back. IZZY SR. (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV. Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries it across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places it. JERRY Here. Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy. IZZY You think you're better than us,don't you?! Huh!? (Movie Theatre) Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with boredom. PETERMAN Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion. ELAINE (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!! The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her seat. PETERMAN (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie? ELAINE (shouts) I hate it!! CROWD Shh! ELAINE (shouts) Oh, go to hell!! PETERMAN (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired. ELAINE (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside. Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves. (Magic Pan Restaurant) Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee. JERRY He was gonna fire you? ELAINE The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert. JERRY Tunisia? ELAINE That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me. JERRY Well, that doesn't sound so bad. ELAINE I have to live in a cave. JERRY (sardonic) Oh. (smiles) Kramer comes over to the booth. KRAMER These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona. The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around fillings. KRAMER (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo? The Dominican smiles back. Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with Neil. Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera. DANIELLE I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over. Neil's head drops at this news. DANIELLE Come on, let's just eat our crepes. The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various tables. At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of scalding hot filling squirts out into his face. CUSTOMER (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face! At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded with a faceful of blistering filling. Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into his face. DANIELLE (concerned cry) Neil! The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine, Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion. JERRY Why are the crepes spraying? KRAMER (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans. Another scream rents the air. (Metropolitan Hospital Center) In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages and an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the remains of a hospital meal on a tray. George enters. GEORGE Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him? DANIELLE Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly. George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed. GEORGE (to Danielle) Whose cane is this? DANIELLE It's Neil's. Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a sink in the corner as George speaks. GEORGE (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr Peanut. Danielle brings back the jug. GEORGE Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key made for you. George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle. DANIELLE George, I can't move in with you. GEORGE (shocked) What? DANIELLE I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England. GEORGE (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents! DANIELLE Sorry George. Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders toward the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him. NEIL (beckoning) George. George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak. NEIL (quiet triumph) I win. George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a few inches and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of the IV line and tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. Then the hand is withdrawn and the door closes again. (Plane) Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book. She listens as a voice comes over the tannoy. TAN Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature presentation... ELAINE (dread) No, no, no, no, no. TAN ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman. ELAINE (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up. Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a seat beside her wants to get out. GUY Excuse me, please. ELAINE Oh, sure. The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to his body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a '#1 DAD' t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by. ELAINE (uncomfortable) Ooh. The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other guys in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican guys. GUILLERMO Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants... From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two guys also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly. GUILLERMO ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba! There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, etc. GUILLERMO Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off! ELAINE (annoyed) Aww, nuts! THE END |
THE FACE PAINTER | THE FACE PAINTER Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're *so* close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe that is the next logical step for me, because I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry g-forces. (George and his date are talking in his car.) GEORGE Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do? SIENA That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper. GEORGE And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead. SIENA Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do? GEORGE It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be. SIENA Wow. GEORGE You find this interesting, don't you? SIENA Yes. yes, I do. (They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.) Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop. ELAINE Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good. JERRY What are you telling him for? ELAINE What? JERRY He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup? ELAINE Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good? JERRY Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup!Keep it up!"? ELAINE Hey, isn't that Alec Berg? JERRY Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg. ELAINE I can't stand him, he is so pretentious. JERRY John Houseman? ELAINE No, Alec Berg. ALEC Elaine! ELAINE Hi! ALEC Hi, how are you? Jerry. JERRY Hi, Alec. ALEC Did you hear about Gary Fogel? JERRY Yeah. ALEC You gonna go to the funeral on Friday? JERRY Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats right behind the glass? ALEC Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them. JERRY Oh, I'd love to, are you sure? ALEC Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything. JERRY Gee thanks! Thanks a lot! ALEC It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know. JERRY Alright, thanks again. ELAINE Thank you very much. JERRY Really, thank you. Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment. JERRY Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are? ELAINE Who? JERRY These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you? ELAINE I will never understand people. JERRY They're the worst. George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing. GEORGE Something's up, there's something in the air. JERRY Well, what is with you? GEORGE Well, I think this is it. ELAINE What's it? GEORGE I saw Siena again. ELAINE Siena? JERRY Yeah, he's dating a crayon. GEORGE We discussed toilet paper. JERRY Toilet paper? GEORGE Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated! JERRY What are you talking about? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Toilet paper's changed. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY It's softer. ELAINE Softer. JERRY More sheets per roll ELAINE Sheets. JERRY Comes in a wide variety of colors. ELAINE Colors. GEORGE Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move. JERRY What? GEORGE I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out. JERRY Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return? GEORGE Fifty-fifty. JERRY Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there. GEORGE Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it? ELAINE What, you never said it? GEORGE Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room. JERRY Well, so it wasn't a total loss. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff game tonight! KRAMER Oh, I'm there, Monongahela! JERRY What about you, George? GEORGE Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date. KRAMER So, so. GEORGE Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than go to the game. KRAMER She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah. JERRY Well, what do I do with the extra ticket? ELAINE Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan. JERRY Sure, fine with me. GEORGE Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer. KRAMER So she works at the zoo? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. KRAMER Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade. Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while he gets ready. ELAINE So how long have you been a Devils' fan? PUDDY Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey. ELAINE Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight. PUDDY Hey, no way, man. ELAINE Yes. PUDDY We're primed. ELAINE Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second. Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint all over his face. ELAINE What the-- PUDDY So what do you think? ELAINE What is that? PUDDY I painted my face. ELAINE You painted your face? PUDDY Yeah. ELAINE Why? PUDDY You know, support the team. ELAINE Well, you can't walk around like that. PUDDY Why not? ELAINE Because it's insane? PUDDY Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there, this is the playoffs. There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and Kramer. Kramer enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's painted face. He recovers quickly. KRAMER Hey. PUDDY Hey. ELAINE Dave, um, painted his face. KRAMER Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team. PUDDY Ok, ready to go? KRAMER Yeah. PUDDY LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! Go Devils!! Let's go Devils!! Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three are seated, Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action in his corner. PUDDY You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier! FAN #1 Will you sit down? PUDDY Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team. ELAINE Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down! PUDDY Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with their heads. Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging the glass. PUDDY Go Devils!! George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening to the hockey game on the radio. RADIO ANNOUNCER Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from just inside the blue line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume) GEORGE You know, I could have actually gone to that. SIENA So why didn't you? GEORGE Well, I didn't want to break our date. SIENA Oh, well. GEORGE Because I... I love you. SIENA You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat. Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after the game. The Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating. PUDDY Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't get it out of your zone all night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate! KRAMER Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street) Watch out! The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest in the passenger seat. PUDDY Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The Devils!! Haaaa!!! Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken. FATHER HERNANDEZ El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!! Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. JERRY "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat." GEORGE Yup. JERRY Big matzoh ball. GEORGE Huge matzoh ball. JERRY Those damn 'I love you' returns. GEORGE Well, it's all over. I slipped up. JERRY Oh, you don't know. GEORGE You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.". JERRY Unless you're married. GEORGE I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them. JERRY No, people hate that. GEORGE You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you. JERRY Ideally. GEORGE I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first. WAITRESS Matzoh ball soup? GEORGE That'd be me. Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon as Jerry closes the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment, Kramer walks in. KRAMER Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right? JERRY No question about it. KRAMER Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend. JERRY At the zoo? KRAMER Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I *whap* let him have it. JERRY Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey? KRAMER Well, he started it! JERRY It's a monkey, Kramer! KRAMER Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry. JERRY Well, I still think it's wrong. KRAMER Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead. JERRY I'm not taking anyone's side. KRAMER Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets? JERRY No. KRAMER Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for? JERRY What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him? KRAMER Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy. JERRY No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over thanking. KRAMER Jerry, good manners are the glue of society. JERRY Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place. KRAMER Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night. JERRY Ah, you're out of your mind. KRAMER Alright, where you going? JERRY I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday. KRAMER Who died? JERRY Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the toupee? KRAMER So he actually had it? JERRY No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car. Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's funeral. ELAINE That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco. JERRY The one Puddy screamed at in the car? ELAINE Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement. JERRY Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter. ELAINE I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that? JERRY Gotta support the team. Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit. ELAINE You know I really hate my clothes. JERRY Hm. ELAINE I open up my closet, there's just nothing. JERRY Hm. ELAINE Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it. JERRY Hm. ELAINE It's getting to be a terrible problem for me. Jerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec! Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat. JERRY Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that? Kramer is in the office at the zoo. MR. PLESS Ah, Mr. Kramer? KRAMER Yes. MR. PLESS Thanks for coming. KRAMER So, uh, what did you want to see me about? MR. PLESS Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry. KRAMER Barry? MR. PLESS The chimpanzee. KRAMER Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem? MR. PLESS Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day. KRAMER So, so what do you want me to do? MR. PLESS Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize. KRAMER Yeah, well he started it. MR. PLESS Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate. KRAMER So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I-- SIENA Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go feed the marmosets. KRAMER You know George really likes you. MR. PLESS She doesn't hear too well out of her left ear. KRAMER Oh. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment. JERRY I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'? GEORGE Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest. JERRY Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me. GEORGE Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!" Kramer enters. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend. GEORGE Girlfriend, yeah, right. KRAMER Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry. GEORGE Barry? KRAMER The monkey. JERRY Well? KRAMER Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me. JERRY Well, I don't think that's gonna happen. KRAMER Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear? GEORGE What? KRAMER Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear. What, you didn't know that? GEORGE Oh my god. JERRY What? GEORGE She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane! JERRY Are you gonna say it again? GEORGE That's the question, Jimmy. Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has passed. GEORGE I'm gonna do it. JERRY What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again. GEORGE I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it! George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters. KRAMER What's going on? JERRY He's gonna talk into her other ear. KRAMER Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg? JERRY Yeah, I saw him. KRAMER Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh? JERRY Well, not exactly. KRAMER He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it. JERRY I don't know if he's mad. KRAMER Alright, so what happened when you saw him? JERRY Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral. KRAMER Uh huh. JERRY See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'. KRAMER See, I told you, Jerry, I told you! JERRY Look, what do you want me to do? KRAMER I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'! JERRY No. No, I can't! KRAMER Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side! JERRY Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets. KRAMER You stubborn, stupid, silly man! Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment. PUDDY Hey, great dip. You made this? ELAINE No, it's from the store. PUDDY Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that. ELAINE David? David, I think we aught to talk. PUDDY Alright, that's cool. ELAINE David, I don't think we should see each other anymore. PUDDY You gotta be kidding, how come? ELAINE Well, you see, David, you're a face painter. PUDDY Yeah, that's right. ELAINE Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting. PUDDY Well, alright, so you don't like the face painting, I just won't paint it anymore. ELAINE Yeah, but you like the face painting. PUDDY Well, I don't need to do it. It's not like a habit or anything. ELAINE Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me? PUDDY Yeah, that's right. ELAINE That's so, that's so sweet. PUDDY Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta go home and get changed before the game. I'll be back, we'll make out. George and Siena are making out in his car. GEORGE Siena, I love you. SIENA Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time. GEORGE Yeah. Just confirming. Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call. The phone rings, Jerry answers. JERRY Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye. Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey. KRAMER Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper and I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize. Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started it. I mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and god forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings? Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his jacket. Kramer gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage bars. Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons his shirt and notices something peculiar. ELAINE What is that? PUDDY That's the letter 'D'. ELAINE Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest? PUDDY Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'. ELAINE But you said no more painting. PUDDY No, I said no more face painting, and as you can see this is not my face. ELAINE Yeah, that's right. Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters. KRAMER Well? Did he call? JERRY No. KRAMER Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's all over, just pick up the phone and thank him! JERRY Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg? ALEC What can I do for you, Jerry? JERRY Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets from the other night. ALEC I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets for tonight. JERRY Oh, you already gave them away? ALEC Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats. If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours. JERRY No, we don't care, we just want to go. ALEC There is one little catch, though. Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils playoff game tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where Puddy, Jerry and Kramer are seated, shirtless. PUDDY Hey, great game, huh? The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags Jerry and Kramer to their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his chest, Kramer has a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L' and 'S' rise alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and Kramer who stand silent. The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is at his bedside. PRIEST Father Hernandez? FATHER HERNANDEZ Huh? PRIEST Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice que tiene informacion muy important information that could be helpful to you.") FATHER HERNANDEZ Bueno. PRIEST Al fini finalmente par� el llover. (Subtitled: "Finally it stopped raining.") FATHER HERNANDEZ Aha, bueno. The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white raincoat with a hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight coming through the window. ELAINE Hello father. FATHER HERNANDEZ Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo estoy lista! THE END |
THE COUCH | THE COUCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!' Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for a new couch. JERRY So, she got you to join a book club? GEORGE I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon. JERRY Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one? GEORGE Nah, I don't like that one. JERRY So, what's your first book? GEORGE "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.) JERRY It's kinda old, isn't it? GEORGE They wanted to read a Truman Capote book. JERRY Oh, sure...Truman Capote. GEORGE He's a great writer. JERRY Oh, yeah. GEORGE Did you ever read anything by him? JERRY No. You? GEORGE Nah. JERRY Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah! Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering Jerry's new couch. ELAINE Hey, what's going on? JERRY New couch, baby! ELAINE New couch? Why? JERRY I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over. (Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they pick up Jerry's old couch.) ELAINE Hello. CARL Hello. ELAINE Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful! JERRY Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it. ELAINE What are you doing with your old couch? JERRY Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it? ELAINE Yeah, I'll take it. JERRY Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment. ELAINE Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey! Couch is comin.' JERRY It's here! KRAMER Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch. JERRY Yeah. So do I. KRAMER Ooh! Remember Poppie? JERRY Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant? KRAMER Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE What was that again? KRAMER It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh? ELAINE Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie! JERRY What made you resurrect that old idea? KRAMER Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it. ELAINE I heard Poppie's was good, let's go. JERRY I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health? KRAMER That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven. ELAINE Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon! KRAMER Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you. JERRY Oh, Kramer, I - (Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.) JERRY Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie? ELAINE Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it. JERRY Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it. CARL Sign here. ELAINE Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far. CARL Sure. ELAINE 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me? CARL Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in. ELAINE Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.) KRAMER Did you offer those guys a drink? JERRY Uh, no. Should I have? KRAMER What kind of a person are you? JERRY I don't know. George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's." GEORGE Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.) Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant. ELAINE So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?" JERRY Ah ha... ELAINE You wanna know what I said? JERRY I can't wait. ELAINE "I do now." JERRY Clever. ELAINE Is that something? JERRY Yes. ELAINE Is that something? JERRY You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink. ELAINE Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty. JERRY So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink? ELAINE Yes. JERRY Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.) POPPIE Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.) JERRY Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine. ELAINE Nice to meet you, Poppie. POPPIE Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent! JERRY Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together. POPPIE Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well. ELAINE Well, your mother must be very proud of you. POPPIE My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas. JERRY So, what's good tonight? Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine. Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's. ELAINE Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before. JERRY Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's. ELAINE Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's. JERRY Why not? ELAINE Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups. JERRY So, you won't eat the pizza? ELAINE No way. JERRY Really. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Well, what if Poppie felt the same way? ELAINE Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then. JERRY Really! ELAINE Yeah. That's right. JERRY Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.) POPPIE Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped. JERRY Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue? POPPIE When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child... JERRY Oh, boy. POPPIE ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently. ELAINE Well...Poppie. I think differently. POPPIE And what gives you the right to do that? ELAINE The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon. WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE I heard that. Let's go, Henry. HENRY But we just got here... ELAINE And I am not coming back! POPPIE You're not welcome! JERRY Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.) Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop. JERRY Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there. GEORGE I'm sorry I missed it. JERRY Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'? GEORGE Oh...pretty good. JERRY So, what's it about? GEORGE Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly. JERRY Holly Go-Lightly. GEORGE Yeah, she's quite a character. JERRY Yes, you haven't read a page, have you? GEORGE No. JERRY Big surprise. GEORGE I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate. JERRY You're not very bright, are you? GEORGE No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days. JERRY Why don't you rent the movie? GEORGE 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.) KRAMER So...how was the dinner last night? JERRY Oh...well... KRAMER Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night. ELAINE Oh...well... KRAMER Alright, what did you do to Poppie? ELAINE Nothing. KRAMER Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there. ELAINE What's wrong with him? KRAMER I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.) JERRY We should get him something. ELAINE Yeah. You're right. Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date. ELAINE Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation? CARL Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture. ELAINE You don't have any furniture? CARL No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.) ELAINE Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh? CARL Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.) Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench outside. KRAMER Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this. POPPIE What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?! KRAMER Why, what...? POPPIE Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two? KRAMER Well, we're not very close. POPPIE They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland. KRAMER Oh, they got good ducks there, huh? POPPIE Oh, very good ducks. Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door. ELAINE I'm in looove! JERRY Whoa! ELAINE This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky! JERRY Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink? ELAINE No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.) JERRY No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? ELAINE Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity. JERRY Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion? ELAINE What? JERRY What is his stand...on abortion? ELAINE Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice. JERRY How do you know? ELAINE Because he, well...he's just so good-looking. JERRY Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble. George at a video store counter. GEORGE I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's. CLERK Uh, this is out. Someone has it. GEORGE Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it. CLERK Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like. GEORGE Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it. CLERK Oh, sorry. We can't do that. GEORGE Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up. CLERK I don't think so. It doesn't work that way. (The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at the information on his computer monitor.) Commercial break. George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom. VOICE ON INTERCOM Yes? GEORGE Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple? INTERCOM Yes. GEORGE Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's? Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey, what's happenin.' KRAMER Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant. JERRY You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there. KRAMER Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.) JERRY Okay. Hi, Poppie. POPPIE Hello. JERRY I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition. POPPIE That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way. JERRY Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.) KRAMER Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie? POPPIE No. KRAMER Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza? POPPIE Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother - JERRY Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the... POPPIE The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.) JERRY ...the...the... KRAMER So long. I'll see you tonight. JERRY Kramer, Kramer, what is this?! KRAMER What is what? JERRY This puddle on my sofa! KRAMER What puddle? JERRY That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.) KRAMER I don't know. JERRY Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!! KRAMER Are you sure? JERRY Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa! KRAMER I'm sure it'll come out. JERRY I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore! KRAMER Ah, you're making too much of it. JERRY Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be. KRAMER Right! George at Joe Temple's door. GEORGE Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple. JOE Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much. GEORGE She was a delicate flower. JOE Why didn't you just read the book? GEORGE Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.) JOE Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.) Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van. CARL Hi. ELAINE Hi. (They kiss.) CARL I missed you. ELAINE Oh, I missed you! CARL I don't remember the last time I felt this way. ELAINE Me, either! CARL I think about you all the time. ELAINE You do? CARL Do you think about me? ELAINE Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine. CARL What friend? ELAINE Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.) CARL You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law. (Elaine breaks down in tears.) George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's with Joe and Remy. GEORGE So, anything to uh, nosh? JOE What did you want? GEORGE Popcorn? REMY Popcorn? Where do you think you are? GEORGE Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house. REMY Well, we don't. GEORGE You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all. JOE Here's some nuts. GEORGE Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert. REMY Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.) GEORGE Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.' JOE The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.) Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the first 'test pizza.' KRAMER See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.) POPPIE Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high! KRAMER Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese... POPPIE Not too much! KRAMER And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.) POPPIE Wait a second...what is that? KRAMER It's cucumbers. POPPIE No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza. KRAMER Well, why not? I like cucumbers. POPPIE That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible. KRAMER But that's the idea, you make your own pie. POPPIE Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate! KRAMER What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie? POPPIE Because it's a pizza! KRAMER It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven! POPPIE It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough! KRAMER No, it isn't! POPPIE Yes, it is! Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters. JOE'S WIFE I'm home. JOE Hey, honey. REMY Hi, Mom. JOE'S WIFE Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's? JOE Yeah. JOE'S WIFE Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan. JOE Aw, that's too bad. JOE'S WIFE Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time - GEORGE Joe...could you... JOE'S WIFE Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this... GEORGE You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear. JOE'S WIFE Who are you? JOE This is George Costanza. GEORGE This is very hard to follow with all the talking. JOE I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.) GEORGE Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.) JOE'S WIFE Who is this guy? REMY He's in some book club. JOE'S WIFE And what's he doing here? REMY Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.) GEORGE So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go. REMY What? GEORGE C'mon, you took my seat. REMY It's not your seat. GEORGE I was sitting there, c'mon. REMY You didn't save it. GEORGE I had the arm! Joe... JOE What's the difference? GEORGE Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here... REMY It's my couch. GEORGE Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.) REMY Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.) GEORGE Joe... Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa. ELAINE Oh my god. JERRY You see?! ELAINE So, you're gonna get a new couch? JERRY Well, I guess I have no choice. ELAINE Do you want your old couch back? JERRY I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah? INTERCOM It's the movers. JERRY 'Kay. (Buzzes them in.) ELAINE Who's that? JERRY Your boyfriend, he's taking it out. ELAINE No, no, he's not my boyfriend. JERRY Why? ELAINE Take a guess. JERRY Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.) ELAINE Hi. CARL Hi. JERRY Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back. CARL Today? JERRY Could you? CARL Sure. ELAINE What are you doing with this couch? JERRY George is taking it. ELAINE Did you tell him it was peed on? JERRY He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over. Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen. CARL I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine. ELAINE Yeah, me too. CARL It's just too bad. ELAINE Yeah. It is. CARL Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's. ELAINE Can I offer you anything to drink? CARL Yeah, sure. ELAINE All I've got is grape juice. CARL Throw it! (Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear the sound of breaking glass.) CARL The couch! Commercial break. George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's. MARIE She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence. GEORGE Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred. MARIE George...Fred's gay. (George ponders this quizzically.) THE END |
THE VISA | THE VISA Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh." First scene. George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental woman. GEORGE So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle? CHERYL Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization. GEORGE What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural? CHERYL Are your friends as funny as you? GEORGE No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno. Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering. ELAINE Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you JERRY Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail. ELAINE It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway. JERRY Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail. Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter. CHERYL Here's my card. GEORGE Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you. CHERYL Nice meeting you. GEORGE Yeah. Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine. ELAINE Hi! JERRY Hey, how ya doin? GEORGE You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter. ELAINE What, the one who just left? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go. ELAINE Yeah, well, I guess it's all over. JERRY Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu! BABU Jerry! JERRY Look at you, you got the job. BABU Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you. JERRY Oh, I didn't do anything. BABU Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building. JERRY Come on. BABU You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do. Cut back to George and Elaine. GEORGE You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny. ELAINE No they don't. GEORGE Ooooh, yes they do. ELAINE Nooo. GEORGE Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money. Elaine nods her head in approval. GEORGE You mean that's true, I'm right?! JERRY Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu. BABU Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful. JERRY Ok, I'll see you around the building. BABU I'll see you *in* the building. JERRY Remember Babu Bhatt? GEORGE Who's he? JERRY Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. JERRY Can you bring my mail then? GEORGE What mail? ELAINE I picked up his mail while he was on the road GEORGE Why didn't Kramer pick it up? JERRY Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida. GEORGE Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back? JERRY Monday, I think. GEORGE Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp. JERRY Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off. George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table and Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes. JERRY ...he never heard of corduroy! CHERYL Stop it, you're killing me!! JERRY He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story. Dream sequence ends. GEORGE No, no I don't think so. ELAINE Why? GEORGE Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one. JERRY I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone. GEORGE She might not be comfortable. ELAINE Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly. JERRY We'll be funny. GEORGE No! No. It's not good, I don't think so. ELAINE Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven. JERRY No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's. ELAINE Why? JERRY No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's. New scene. George and Cheryl are at Isabella's. GEORGE Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about. Cheryl laughs. GEORGE Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast. Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table. JERRY Look who's here! Georgie-boy! What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's? ELAINE No, I talked him into it. GEORGE What happened to the auto show? JERRY Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model. ELAINE The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century. Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine away from their table. ELAINE Hi. GEORGE Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry. JERRY Hi, nice to meet you. CHERYL Would you like to join us? GEORGE Oh no no no, they don't want to join us. CHERYL Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly. ELAINE Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together? GEORGE No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright. ELAINE Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me-- GEORGE No! No. ELAINE No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right? GEORGE You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything... ELAINE Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued. CHERYL Oh? What happened? ELAINE Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy. CHERYL Was he Chinese? ELAINE Yeah. CHERYL Is your last name Benes? JERRY How did you know? CHERYL Ping is my cousin! ELAINE No! JERRY That's so funny! CHERYL I'm handling his case! ELAINE What? You're Cheryl Fong? CHERYL That's right! By now, they're all laughing. ELAINE Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence! CHERYL Yeah, I know! ELAINE Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case? CHERYL Will you excuse me? I have to make a call. ELAINE Tell Ping I said hello. JERRY Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open. They all laugh as Cheryl walks away. GEORGE What are you doing? What are you doing? JERRY What? GEORGE This is not good. This is not good. JERRY What's the matter? GEORGE I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here. JERRY Why not? ELAINE He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny. JERRY Biff? GEORGE What? JERRY You're not worried about that? GEORGE No, of course not. JERRY I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares? ELAINE He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show. JERRY Well, should we leave? GEORGE Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny. ELAINE This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there? JERRY I don't have to be funny, I don't care. GEORGE You don't? JERRY No way! It's completely under my control. ELAINE No, it's not. You cannot not be funny. JERRY Of course I can, am I being funny now? ELAINE A little. JERRY Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY George, is this funny? GEORGE It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either. ELAINE What? What did I do? Cheryl returns. GEORGE Hi. JERRY Hello. Welcome back. CHERYL Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it. ELAINE Well, nobody likes to get old, right? JERRY Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. GEORGE Funny guy, huh? New scene. Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment. ELAINE Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it. JERRY Well thank you very much, it's about time. ELAINE Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me. JERRY Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money. ELAINE Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune. JERRY Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris. They hear a noise from the hallway. JERRY Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey! KRAMER Hey. JERRY I thought you weren't coming back till Monday. KRAMER Well, the camp ended a few days early. JERRY Why? KRAMER Uh, well there was an incident. JERRY What happened? KRAMER I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week. ELAINE You punched who in the mouth? KRAMER Mickey Mantle. JERRY What happened? KRAMER Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate. JERRY Wow! Joe Pepitone! KRAMER Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him. JERRY You plunked him. KRAMER Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out. JERRY Wow, this is incredible! A voice is heard from the hallway. BABU Leave me alone! You can't do this to me! JERRY What's going on out there? BABU What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad. JERRY Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back. ELAINE Yeah, so? KRAMER Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!" ELAINE So what'd you do? KRAMER Well, I got the hell out of there. JERRY They took Babu away! ELAINE They took Babu away?! JERRY Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame. BABU Jerry! Jerry! Help me! JERRY I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry! KRAMER Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer. JERRY Uh oh. ELAINE What? JERRY Well this is interesting. ELAINE What is it? JERRY It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake. KRAMER Well, doesn't he need that? New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment. JERRY If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened. ELAINE Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up. JERRY Yeah, so am I being funny now? ELAINE No, actually, you're not being funny now. JERRY See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now. GEORGE No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner. JERRY Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired. GEORGE What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers. JERRY Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does. GEORGE Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night. JERRY Ah, will you stop it already? GEORGE Jerry, please? JERRY How long is this gonna go on? GEORGE Till I'm comfortable. JERRY Well, when is that gonna be? GEORGE After consummation. JERRY Consummation? I don't think you have enough material. New scene. Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop. CHERYL I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky. JERRY That's wonderful news. Thank you. CHERYL You're a very serious person, aren't you? JERRY Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. CHERYL I understand. Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee. CHERYL I think it's curdled. JERRY I don't care. CHERYL Do you ever laugh? JERRY Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub. CHERYL That's so sad. What do you do? JERRY I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful. ELAINE Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right? JERRY Yeah, I'll just pay for this. ELAINE Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi. CHERYL Hi. ELAINE Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case. CHERYL Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose. ELAINE You're kidding. CHERYL No, I'm not. New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office. JERRY Babu! BABU Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry! JERRY You remember Elaine. BABU Yes, yes of course! ELAINE Nice to meet you. BABU So nice of you both to come. JERRY Oh, Babu. BABU No no, you're both very kind, very kind. JERRY AND ELAINE Oh, well, you know. ELAINE We try. JERRY We do what we can. ELAINE We do what we can. BABU The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it. JERRY Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows. BABU Comedy shows! You're a very funny man. JERRY Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full. BABU Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine. JERRY Oh, I don't want to bother you. BABU No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man. JERRY So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box. BABU Come again? JERRY You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it. ELAINE Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up. BABU You had my Visa application?! JERRY Well not technically. BABU I kill you!! JERRY Well what about her? BABU I kill both of you!! JERRY Babu?! BABU No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man! JERRY Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak! BABU The wheels are in motion? JERRY The wheels are in motion, things are happening! New scene. George and Cheryl are parked. GEORGE Jerry? CHERYL I'm very attracted to him. GEORGE You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny. CHERYL He never said anything funny. GEORGE He can't not be funny. CHERYL No no no, he's dark. And disturbed. GEORGE Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article. CHERYL So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act? GEORGE Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help. CHERYL I gotta go. GEORGE Well, should I call you later? CHERYL Please don't. GEORGE But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!! New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment. ELAINE So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back? JERRY I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah? GEORGE It's George. JERRY C'mon up. They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door. JERRY Babu must be back. BABU'S BROTHER Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you? JERRY Where's Babu? BABU'S BROTHER He is in Pakistan! JERRY Who are you? BABU'S BROTHER I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed. JERRY I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could. BABU'S BROTHER Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu! ELAINE Snapple? BABU'S BROTHER No, too fruity. Babu's Brother leaves, George enters. JERRY Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa. GEORGE She didn't help him? JERRY No. GEORGE Where is he? JERRY He's in Pakistan. GEORGE Oh boy. JERRY What do you mean, oh boy? GEORGE Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth. JERRY Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported. GEORGE What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application. JERRY That's because she had my mail. Kramer enters. ELAINE Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp. KRAMER Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant. JERRY How could you go in there? KRAMER Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside! JERRY Well, what happened? KRAMER I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!" ELAINE So, what did he do? KRAMER Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse. There's a knock on Kramer's door. VOICE Kramer? KRAMER Yeah? It's my Chinese food. Ping enters with a bag of food. ELAINE Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me. PING Not anymore. ELAINE What? PING Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on. ELAINE Why? PING She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby. Ping exits. New scene. Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan. BABU So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here. BABU'S FRIEND This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do? BABU I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man. (Comedy club) I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't we just say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.' THE END |
THE PACKAGE | THE PACKAGE Written by Jennifer Crittenden (Elaine at the doctor's) ATTENDANT The doctor will be with you in a moment. (Elaine looking at her chart) ELAINE Difficult ? DOCTOR Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours. ELAINE Well it's , it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know they're made of paper. DOCTOR Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash... ELAINE But it was in pen. You fake erase. DOCTOR All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look too serious. You'll be fine. ELAINE What are you writing? Doctor. George at Photo Shop SHEILA Here you go. GEORGE Thanks. SHEILA I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt. GEORGE Ohhhhhh Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment JERRY No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver. GEORGE Smile JERRY What are you doing ? GEORGE I meet this women , Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something JERRY Extra teeth. I love that look. GEORGE Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt." JERRY What mustard stain ? GEORGE Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures. JERRY Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ? GEORGE That's got nothing to do with it. JERRY I see. She's looking. GEORGE Yesssss. KRAMER Hey , you got to get this thing fixed . JERRY They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same. KRAMER Would you like a refund ? JERRY Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago. KRAMER Would you be interested ? JERRY Well how are you going..... KRAMER Would you ? JERRY I guess I would. KRAMER Yeah , yeah. Elaine walks in ELAINE You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today. JERRY Not the gown again. ELAINE No , no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that ? JERRY They have gotten to know you. Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo ELAINE Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash. GEORGE Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult. ELAINE Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy. JERRY Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys. ELAINE Listen to me you little shi........ GEORGE Smile. Elaine at another doctor's office DOCTOR Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown. ELAINE Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on. Nurse hands the doctor her chart DOCTOR All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin. ELAINE Where did you get my chart ? DOCTOR From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure. ELAINE You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just....... DOCTOR Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine. ELAINE Please , please. It's really , really itchy. Doctor writes more stuff in her chart Jerry at apartment Knock , knock POSTAL WORKER Seinfeld ? JERRY Yeah. POSTAL WORKER I got a package for you. Sign here . JERRY Who's it from ? POSTAL WORKER No return address. JERRY What if I don't want it ? POSTAL WORKER Are you refusing delivery ? JERRY Maybe I am. POSTAL WORKER Why would you do that ? JERRY I've never done it before. POSTAL WORKER Why start now ? JERRY Why not ? POSTAL WORKER All right. George walks in GEORGE Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package. JERRY I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing . I don't know who it was from. GEORGE What do you think it's a bomb ? JERRY It's not totally impossible. GEORGE Oh the ego on you. JERRY Why can't I be bombable ? GEORGE Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes. JERRY I suppose you think your bombable. GEORGE Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way. JERRY There's more than a couple. GEORGE Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these. JERRY You don't have a Mercedes. GEORGE I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine. JERRY The driver seems a little put out. GEORGE No. He was fine with it. Check that out. JERRY Is that Burt Reynolds ? GEORGE Wax Museum. JERRY Oh. GEORGE Oh. What is this ? JERRY That's a lot of skin. GEORGE This must be Sheila from the photo place . JERRY You can barely see her face. GEORGE She must have slipped it in here. Kramer walks in KRAMER I I I GEORGE Photo store Sheila. KRAMER Well hello Photo store Sheila. GEORGE All right. I will see you boys later . JERRY Where are you going ? GEORGE To ask her out. KRAMER No , no. Your not playing the game . GEORGE What game ? KRAMER She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. " GEORGE No good ? KRAMER George. It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back. GEORGE Oh , I don't know. KRAMER Well as you know I've always been something of a photog. JERRY Oh yeah I like this idea. Outside Uncle Leo's apartment UNCLE LEO Hey Danny. Hello. How are you ? POSTAL WORKER DANNY Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package. UNCLE LEO Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it . George and Elaine in taxi ELAINE And then he starts writing on my chart . GEORGE Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like. ELAINE You can't change your chart. It's your chart. GEORGE I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time. ELAINE You are !?! GEORGE Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck . Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ? ELAINE Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card. GEORGE Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that . How did you feel about Kramer's work ? ELAINE Actually I thought he was very professional . GEORGE So it was a good experience. ELAINE Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID. GEORGE Nice. ELAINE Yeah it is nice actually. Elaine at another doctors ELAINE I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading. ATTENDANT He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy . ELAINE Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator ELAINE Come on. Move. Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh.... DR. BURKE The chart Miss Benes. ELAINE Oh please no more. The doctor writes more stuff in it Jerry at his apartment George walks in JERRY Hey GEORGE Where's Kramer ? JERRY He went to get some steak sauce. Why ? GEORGE Personal matter. Phone rings JERRY Hello UNCLE LEO Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello ! JERRY Hello Leo. You don't have to yell. UNCLE LEO I got your package. JERRY How did you get my package ? UNCLE LEO What should I do with it ? JERRY I don't know what you should do with it. GEORGE Tell him to open it. JERRY I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. UNCLE LEO Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The Macardo. I want you to go see it with me. JERRY Open the package Leo. UNCLE LEO Okay. Opening. JERRY Opening. BOOM !!! Elaine and Jerry at apartment ELAINE So it wasn't a bomb. JERRY No , No bomb. ELAINE Well then what ? JERRY Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up. ELAINE But he's okay ? JERRY Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal. Elaine on phone ELAINE Yeah I am still holding. Jerry opens his package JERRY Is this my stereo ? Kramer walks in KRAMER Hey you got it. JERRY What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up. KRAMER That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400. JERRY But you were supposed to get me a refund . KRAMER You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago. JERRY So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ? KRAMER It's just a write off for them. JERRY How is it a write off ? KRAMER They just write it off. JERRY Write it off what ? KRAMER Jerry all these big companies they write off everything JERRY You don't even know what a write off is. KRAMER Do you ? JERRY No. I don't. KRAMER But they do and they are the ones writing it off. JERRY I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back. Elaine still on phone ELAINE What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello , hello. JERRY Still no luck Kramer leaves with a fan ELAINE Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet. JERRY There's no Zorn or Zoutraph. ELAINE There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am . JERRY Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow . ELAINE Dr. Resnick. He's not listed. JERRY He's not that good. Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment GEORGE Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff. KRAMER Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her. GEORGE You don't have your own camera. KRAMER Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing. GEORGE I feel fat. KRAMER No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat . You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt. GEORGE Well do you want me to take it off ? KRAMER I don't know it's up to you. GEORGE Do you think it would be better if I did ? KRAMER It might be. I mean whatever you want . GEORGE ALL RIGHT !! Kramer ; That's it George. Come on , come on. Give it to me . Come on ,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man , be a man. Jerry leaving apartment KRAMER You are a lover boy !! JERRY Oh yeah. This can't miss. Elaine sleeping in bed Phone rings ELAINE Hello. GUY Is this Elaine Marie Benes ? ELAINE Yes. Who it this ? GUY We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s. ELAINE Yeah. What is this all about GUY Good bye. ELAINE Hello , hello. GUY What ? ELAINE Oh uh uh... GUY Get off the line. Were trying to make another call. Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office UNCLE LEO Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here ? ELAINE Leo. Has the doctor been in yet ? UNCLE LEO No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows. ELAINE Okay listen Leo. Your hairless , your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay. Dr. Resnick walks in DR. RESNICK Leo. I heard you had a little mishap . UNCLE LEO It was a fireball. ELAINE I should have never left him alone. DR. RESNICK And who are you ? ELAINE I am his nurse... Poloma. UNCLE LEO You're not my nurse. ELAINE He has good days and bad. DR. RESNICK What seems to be the problem ? UNCLE LEO Are my eyebrows going to grow back ? ELAINE And he's has a bit of a rash. DR. RESNICK Really. ELAINE Yeah. DR. RESNICK Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment. ELAINE I don't like this , it is to easy. UNCLE LEO Elaine... ELAINE Shut up ! I think he's on to us. UNCLE LEO Elaine what about my eyebrows ? ELAINE Shhhhhh. Here. Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him Kramer and Jerry at Post Office JERRY I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer ? ATTENDANT I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation. JERRY Investigation ? NEWMAN Hello Jerry. JERRY Hello Newman. NEWMAN Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud. KRAMER Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy. Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office DR. RESNICK I got your ointment. Where's your nurse ? UNCLE LEO She left. DR. RESNICK No need to get angry. Calm down. UNCLE LEO I am calm. DR. RESNICK Leo I don't care for your demeanor. UNCLE LEO Demeanor ? DR. RESNICK Now your just being difficult. UNCLE LEO What are you writing ? George at photo store GEORGE So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday. SHEILA I am glad George. GEORGE And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy. SHEILA Great. GEORGE Shall we say an hour. George leaves SHEILA Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll ? RON No problem. SHEILA By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it ? RON No. Jerry and Newman at the Post Office NEWMAN All right. Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping . JERRY Define rarely. NEWMAN Frequently. JERRY Are we about throw here Newman ? NEWMAN It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot . JERRY Actually I am quite comfortable. NEWMAN Can I have a sip ? JERRY No. NEWMAN Not going to play ball. Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all ready busted. JERRY You can't prove anything. NEWMAN Is this or is this not your signature ? JERRY No in a matter of fact it isn't. NEWMAN Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry. Kramer and Elaine at doctor's ELAINE Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it. KRAMER Yeah let me borrow your scarf. ELAINE This. KRAMER Yeah. All right one chart coming up . ELAINE Okay. KRAMER Bennette right ? ELAINE Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah. Newman walking down the street NEWMAN Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry . Kramer at doctor's KRAMER I like what you've done with that. ATTENDANT May I help you ? KRAMER Yes , yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very bad very messy. ATTENDANT I see and what clinic is that again ? KRAMER That's correct. ATTENDANT Excuse me. KRAMER From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium . ATTENDANT Really ? KRAMER The Netherlands ? ELAINE Where's my chart ? Did you get it ? KRAMER No. ELAINE What ? What happened ? KRAMER I don't know. But now they got a chart on me. George at photo store SHEILA I don't know where they could be. GEORGE Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues. SHEILA Well if I find them I'll call you. GEORGE And maybe we could go out and do something . SHEILA Sure. RON Hello. GEORGE Hi. George leaves SHEILA So the little guy finally asked me out . RON Really ? SHEILA Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere . RON Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card. SHEILA Newman ? George and Jerry at Post Office GEORGE I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for. Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out. JERRY I'm clean and you know it. NEWMAN Clean ? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance. JERRY Where did you get that ? GEORGE I think that's one of mine. NEWMAN It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam. JERRY I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation. NEWMAN Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh . How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile..... GUY NEWMAN !! NEWMAN There will be a small fine. JERRY Okay. GEORGE Can we go now ? NEWMAN Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair. JERRY Oh my god !! NEWMAN This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring. As does this one found in the same disturbing packet. Newman holds up a picture of Ron GEORGE OH MY GOD !!! NEWMAN We have some questions we'd like you to answer. JERRY I have some questions of my own. Sheila walks in SHEILA Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god , George !?! GEORGE Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful. JERRY The timeless art of seduction. GEORGE SHEILA !!! THE END |
THE HEART ATTACK | THE HEART ATTACK Written by Larry Charles (Night club) JERRY You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want! (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV) TV VOICE (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. (Jerry's now asleep) (Scene ends) (Jerry's bedroom) (Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his head, then goes back to sleep, laughing to himself) (Scene ends) (Coffee shop) (Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket) ELAINE What do you got, a cucumber? GEORGE Yeah, so what? ELAINE You're bringing in an ouside cucumber? GEORGE They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber. JERRY (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit. (Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke? ELAINE No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny." JERRY Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show? ELAINE (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry? GEORGE Let me see that. (Studies the note) ELAINE Hey, where's Kramer? JERRY I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?" GEORGE (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack. JERRY I don't think that's it. GEORGE I'm not kidding. JERRY What does that mean? ELAINE I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack. JERRY Oh, he's having a heart attack. GEORGE Tightness.. JERRY C'mon. GEORGE Shortness of breath.. JERRY Oh, this is ridiculous. GEORGE Radiating waves of pain.. JERRY I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it. GEORGE There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm. JERRY (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks. GEORGE Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed. JERRY So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital? GEORGE Manhattan Memorial, less of a line. JERRY I'll call an ambulance. (Exits) (A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't seem to notice) WAITRESS Is everything alright? GEORGE We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake on the.. ELAINE George! (Scene ends) (Hospital room) (George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring bed seems to be in pain) MAN Ooohhh... Argghhh.. GEORGE Are.. are you okay? MAN Ooooooohhh.. GEORGE I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that- MAN Shut up! (Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the note to a nurse) JERRY Well? What do you think? NURSE 1 "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely. JERRY "Salami salami bologna"? DOCTOR (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes. JERRY (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic? GEORGE No, no thanks. JERRY (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have? GEORGE Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket. JERRY Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out.. GEORGE Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short. JERRY No, I tried it on. It fits good. GEORGE Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all.. JERRY Well, you know.. GEORGE (Reluctantly) Well, okay. JERRY Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis? GEORGE Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second.. JERRY Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you. GEORGE I don't know.. you and Susan Davis? JERRY You know, if your future was a little more certain.. GEORGE Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face. JERRY Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it) GEORGE What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?! (Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George) ELAINE Jerry! JERRY (Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed) GEORGE (To Jerry) Jerk off. (Jerry goes over to Elaine) JERRY (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine. (They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with Jerry's joke) ELAINE Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment? (Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. They completely ignore George) GEORGE I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?! (The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, romantic glance) DOCTOR (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza? GEORGE (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better. DOCTOR Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up. GEORGE (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy! DOCTOR And you simply haven't had a heart attack. GEORGE (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you. JERRY (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now? DOCTOR No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe. GEORGE Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me. DOCTOR Well, I wouldn't go that far. GEORGE (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?! DOCTOR Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? GEORGE My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid. DOCTOR Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too. GEORGE Really? ELAINE (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs) DOCTOR It happens. JERRY Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays. ELAINE I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils. DOCTOR That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people. JERRY (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues. GEORGE (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me! DOCTOR Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out. GEORGE What? You mean with a knife? DOCTOR Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream. GEORGE (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time. DOCTOR Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me. ELAINE (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves) JERRY Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body. (Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs. JERRY (Trying to shut him up) Kramer. KRAMER The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage. JERRY Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack. KRAMER No? That's good. GEORGE I have to have my tonsils taken out. KRAMER Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here. JERRY (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery. KRAMER Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you.. GEORGE Well, what should I do, Kramer? JERRY Well, for one think, don't listen to him. KRAMER I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind. JERRY Eckman? I thought he was doing time? KRAMER No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel. JERRY A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor. KRAMER He's holistic, George. He's holistic. GEORGE Holistic.. that sounds right. JERRY George, you need a medical doctor. GEORGE (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital? JERRY Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand. GEORGE Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge? KRAMER First visit? Thirty-eight bucks. GEORGE Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer. (Scene ends) (Healer's apartment) (Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model) GEORGE So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here? JERRY Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though. GEORGE All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm. JERRY (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle. GEORGE Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks? (Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over to Jerry and George) TOR (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please? JERRY Sorry. (Tor sits down, and turns tward George) TOR What month were you born? GEORGE April. TOR You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait. GEORGE Really? TOR Do you use hot water in the shower? GEORGE Yes. TOR Stop using it. GEORGE ..Okay. KRAMER I'm off hot water. TOR Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery. GEORGE Yes, yes I am. TOR (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery. GEORGE (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face? TOR No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer. JERRY (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life. GEORGE (Still on the hot water) What about shaving? TOR (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face) GEORGE I guess so. TOR (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind. JERRY (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here.. TOR You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow. GEORGE (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm? JERRY Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy? (Scene ends) (Doctor's car) (The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue) DOCTOR ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile.. (The Doctor is still holding her tongue) ELAINE Uh-huh. (Scene ends) (Healer's apartment) TOR (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark. JERRY I love crampbark. TOR Cleavers. JERRY Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car. TOR And some couchgrass. JERRY Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly. (Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic) KRAMER Go ahead, drink it, George. JERRY Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if- TOR (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry) KRAMER Go ahead, drink it, George. GEORGE (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad.. (Scene ends) (Ambulance) (George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. The driver and the assistant in the back are having a huge fight) GEORGE (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man! DRIVER (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man! ASSISTANT I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing! DRIVER I don't even like Chuckles! JERRY (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible. GEORGE My face! My face! Get me to the hospital! ASSISTANT I want that Chuckle! You hear me?! JERRY (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle? ASSISTANT (Angry, to Driver) Pull over! DRIVER Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?! ASSISTANT Yeah! JERRY You're gonna fight? GEORGE Now?! I'm a mutant! KRAMER (To Driver) Hey, let me drive. ASSISTANT Come on, man. Pull over! DRIVER Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man! (Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door) JERRY (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please. GEORGE My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?! ASSISTANT I'm gonna kick his ass. KRAMER (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys? GEORGE You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency! (The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two fight) JERRY All this for a Chuckle. KRAMER What's a Chuckle? JERRY It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors. (Scene ends) (Doctor's car) (He's still holding Elaine's tongue) DOCTOR You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces. ELAINE Can you let go of my tongue now? DOCTOR What? ELAINE Let go of my tongue! DOCTOR (Lets go) Oh, sorry. ELAINE Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing? DOCTOR I was going to kiss you good night. ELAINE A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves) (Scene ends) (Ambulance) (It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight) JERRY You just can't leave him out there. DRIVER I told him I was gonna mess him up. KRAMER Well, can you call him an ambulance? DRIVER I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap! KRAMER hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man! DRIVER (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?! JERRY AND KRAMER Watch out! (The Ambulance crashes into something) (Scene ends) (Hospital room) (George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, but George can't respond verbally) JERRY How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing? (Elaine enters) ELAINE Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing. (Nurse enters) JERRY Hey, check the TV. (The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at the start of the show) TV VOICE (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. JERRY (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that. (George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating curtan) MAN Aaahhhgggg! (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!" THE END |
THE HOT TUB | THE HOT TUB Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Comedy club) JERRY I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking - How much did you lose by? I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, like... now..now..now...! It was it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won. (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine) JERRY (to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J. Peterman catalog. JERRY (to George) Get this one - "I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest". GEORGE This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country. ELAINE Yeah. What do you do all day? GEORGE Not that much. ELAINE uh-uh. JERRY I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work. GEORGE Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy. JERRY How do you pull that off? GEORGE I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... (acts annoyed for 3 seconds). ELAINE Yeah, you do! He looks very busy! JERRY Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah! GEORGE I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts annoyed and leaves) ELAINE (laughs) JERRY So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet? ELAINE No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight. JERRY What marathon runner? ELAINE You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running... JERRY Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?! ELAINE Yeah, that's him. JERRY He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right? ELAINE Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs) JERRY How do you oversleep at the Olympics...? ELAINE Ah, I know. I know...! JERRY I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door... ELAINE Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years. JERRY Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands. ELAINE What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility. JERRY You gotta wake him up! ELAINE Eh...he'll get up... (A woman passes by with a baby) ELAINE Hi, Judy. JUDY Hi, Elaine. How are you? ELAINE Fine. (laughs) (woman leaves) JERRY I've seen her in your building. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY I didn't know she was married. ELAINE (whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) Don't say anything to anybody. JERRY Whom I gonna tell? ELAINE I know, it's just something you have to say... (George's office at the Yankee Stadium) (George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands on his desk. He tries to kill it with the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches to annoyed-mode) WILHELM George, we just got the final budget numbers. We went over budget on some of the items, but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the budget file to a very annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm leaves the office) (George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts bashing it with the file. Mr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file and shakes his head, worried) (Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George) JERRY He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing? GEORGE I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up. JERRY My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock. KRAMER Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em. JERRY What do you do? KRAMER I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... (makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up! JERRY Always works? KRAMER It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is. GEORGE uh-uh. What's with the bucket? KRAMER Lomez, he sold me his hot tub. JERRY Hot tub? KRAMER Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it. (points to bucket) GEORGE You put a hot tub... in your living room? KRAMER Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees! (happy) GEORGE Is that tolerable? KRAMER Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy) JERRY Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you? KRAMER Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and leaves) GEORGE He uh...doesn't have any running water? JERRY I don't ask those kind of questions anymore. (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry) (Elaine and Jean-Paul come in) ELAINE Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul. JERRY Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you. JEAN-PAUL Nice to meet you. JERRY Sorry about the Olympics. JEAN-PAUL Me too. (disappointed) ELAINE Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't...come up with anything for this thing. JERRY Ah...catalog writer's block? ELAINE Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed) (Elaine leaves) JERRY (pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it? JEAN-PAUL Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze. JERRY AM/PM. JEAN-PAUL Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume. JERRY Ah...the volume. JEAN-PAUL Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm. JERRY Ah, separate knob. JEAN-PAUL Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated) JERRY Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio. JEAN-PAUL Oh, please, man, please! JERRY Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it. (Elaine returns) JERRY Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house? ELAINE Jerry... JERRY It's a simple question... ELAINE I've got an alarm, ok? JERRY That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock? JEAN-PAUL Flight to Cleveland? ELAINE It works. JERRY Elaine... ELAINE It... works! (George's office at the Yankee Stadium) (George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.) GEORGE Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes in) (George switches to annoyed-mode again) WILHELM George...I think you may be taking work a little too seriously. GEORGE Well...I've got a lot to do! WILHELM George, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything. (George acts annoyed) WILHELM I have this... fun little assignment I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps in from the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and I want you to show them a good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss") (Jerry's apartment - Jerry) (Elaine comes in) ELAINE Hey. Sorry I'm late. JERRY You're 40 minutes late. What happened? ELAINE I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up? JERRY No. ELAINE What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem? JERRY Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't. ELAINE uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what? JERRY Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned! ELAINE Oh are you?! JERRY Yes I am. ELAINE Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is! JERRY Yeah, I know that! ELAINE Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy! JERRY I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking him up! ELAINE Hey, Jean-Paul. JERRY Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak? JEAN-PAUL Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the year! KRAMER (smelling) What's burning? ELAINE Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it) JERRY What happened? ELAINE Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds. KRAMER This was set for 2 minutes. See? (Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried) ELAINE (pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! Don't..say..anything! JEAN-PAUL You miss-set the timer... ELAINE (leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right, listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go. JEAN-PAUL Ok. ELAINE (to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok? JERRY Yeah. I hope so ?! ELAINE Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul) JERRY Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over this whole operation! KRAMER Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak. JERRY I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there. KRAMER Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows... the air is cold, the tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden! (Kramer's hot tub) (The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and goes inside) KRAMER (relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... (he is really enjoying this) (in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking) CLAYTON ...'till this bastard over here says: "let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit 'em on New York!" (the 3 men laugh) GEORGE (smiling) Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it. GARDNER I like your organization, George. We've been talkin' to a really friendly son of a bitch in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name. GEORGE Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah... GARDNER He told us that George Costanza was gonna be takin' us bastards out on the town. "that son of a bitch doesn't know what he's got in store for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more) ZEKE Finish your drink? GEORGE Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost. ZEKE Let's get that bastard bring us another round! (waves to bartender) CLAYTON You a big drinker, George? GEORGE Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking) (Kramer's hot tub) (The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and he's all trembling. He wakes up, frozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts it on while in the tub.) (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul) JERRY Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay... is uh... JEAN-PAUL What are you saying? JERRY I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call! JEAN-PAUL Wake-up call... JERRY These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' to make that call! (George comes in) JEAN-PAUL No, I will stay with Elaine. It would be rude. GEORGE Hey, you bastards. JERRY Hey, how was the meeting? GEORGE I really like those sons of bitches. JERRY Sons of bitches? GEORGE Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really hit, uh?!" (laughs) JEAN-PAUL Really?! GEORGE Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. (laughs) (Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They all look at him very surprised) KRAMER Heeeeey... JERRY How many sweaters you got on? KRAMER Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot. GEORGE What's goin'on? KRAMER I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up! JERRY Your core temperature? KRAMER (to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes off glove) Yeah, feel. JEAN-PAUL Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold. (smiles) (inside an airplane - the 3 men) (They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're drinking and laughing in the plane) GEORGE Hello? CLAYTON uh...is that you, George? GEORGE (laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton? CLAYTON Well listen, you son of a bitch! You know where we are? 30 000 feet above your head, you bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl) GEORGE What are they doin' lettin' you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against FAA regulation? CLAYTON (to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now! I can't hear him! GEORGE Listen. I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys can't wait to kick your butts! ZEKE (to Clayton) When's that bastard comin' to Houston? CLAYTON Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee bastards are comin' to Houston! GEORGE You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things. CLAYTON Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear ya! GEORGE (Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things! (Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs up) WILHELM George! George, get a hold of yourself! GEORGE Mr.Wilhelm... WILHELM What's the matter with you?! GEORGE Well I-I... (Elaine's office - Elaine) (She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at the computer) ELAINE (thinking and typing) It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu... (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits) (Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby) JEAN-PAUL Hello. JUDY Hello. JEAN-PAUL I'm a friend of Elaine's. JUDY Oh, hi. JEAN-PAUL (looks at the baby) oooooh...look at the cute little bastard... (the building manager comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs) (Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that) MANAGER Whatta hell are you doin' harassing my tenants? JEAN-PAUL (smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly. MANAGER All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul and gets him out) Let's go! JEAN-PAUL What...but I got a race tomorrow! (Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer) (Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, "fully" dressed and covered with a blanket. Jerry and George come in) GEORGE Whoa...it's like a furnace in here! JERRY Oh whatta hell is goin'on?! KRAMER Yeah, I turned up the heat. JERRY Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window) KRAMER I'm freezin'! I just need to get my hot tub running. I'm waiting for my new heat pump. GEORGE Well what's in this giant box out in the hall? KRAMER Uh? Oh that must be it. GEORGE It's huge! KRAMER Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's. (Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up) JERRY Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up) GEORGE (Jerry is going to his bedroom) What? JERRY I got the call...! GEORGE Jean-Paul? JERRY (stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored) (hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds) JERRY Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul. JEAN-PAUL Man, I just want to get some sleep. (gets into bed) JERRY All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 6:50... volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical... JEAN-PAUL Man, whatever! (annoyed) JERRY How about adult contemporary? JEAN-PAUL Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one! (irritated) JERRY All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials) JEAN-PAUL Yes, yes, the wake-up guy. MAN (on the phone) Front desk...? JERRY Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning. MAN Yes sir. JERRY That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner... MAN Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once. JERRY I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances. MAN Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests. JERRY Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here... MAN Are you through? (annoyed) JERRY ...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up) (Jerry pauses thinking) JERRY humm... JEAN-PAUL What is it...? JERRY I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried) JEAN-PAUL No, no. JERRY (gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me! JEAN-PAUL Man, he doesn't got "in" for you. JERRY What if he doesn't call now out of spite? JEAN-PAUL It is his job! (Jerry sits down) JERRY (pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again) JEAN-PAUL For God's sake...! (gets up and they start packing) (Elaine's apartment) (Elaine comes in) ELAINE Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?! Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine. JERRY'S MACHINE I'm not here, leave a message. ELAINE Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs up) (She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door) ELAINE Judy, hi, listen... JUDY You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told you about that baby in confidence! ELAINE Oh I didn't tell anyone. JUDY Well your friend certainly seemed to know all about it. (shuts the door) ELAINE ... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and Jean-Paul come in) JERRY Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment. JEAN-PAUL It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep! (lies on the sofa) JERRY Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket) JEAN-PAUL Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this! JERRY That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's) (Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door) JERRY (shouting) Man that thing is noisy! KRAMER (shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees! JERRY Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call. KRAMER Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused) (street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried) (the following voices are on Elaine's mind) JERRY He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you. JEAN-PAUL I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I trust Elaine, she is my friend. JERRY Frankly, I'm a little concerned. ELAINE Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet (stops to look at her feet) ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! (lifting her arms up in the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes! (Jerry's apartment) 02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa) (Kramer's apartment) 02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump short circuits and blows the fuses on the entire building) (Jerry's apartment) 02) JERRY 4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup! (gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went out! Wake up! Wake up! WE GOTTA GO! IT'S 8 47! JEAN-PAUL 8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa) (both running around, getting ready to go) JERRY Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car! JEAN-PAUL Idiot! I trusted you! (Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket) JERRY Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out! KRAMER Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses! JERRY What happened to your mental alarm?! KRAMER I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down) (New York marathon) (Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through a crowd) JERRY Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them) GUARD Hey, hold it! JEAN-PAUL I'm late, man, I'm in the race! GUARD Go ahead. JEAN-PAUL Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man! JERRY All right, go, it's a race! Come on! (George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium) (George comes in) GEORGE You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner? STEINBRENNER Yes, George, come in, come in. George, word up's you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit. GEORGE Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain... STEINBRENNER Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes George, I used to be like you. Rating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. (New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer) (They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains "fully" dressed and is carrying a thermos with tea). JERRY I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building! ELAINE Then how did she find out, Jerry?! JERRY Maybe you should check with the rabbi. KRAMER (to Elaine) You want some hot tea? ELAINE Oh no, thank you. KRAMER Oh. There's some runners. Here they come! (The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul) ELAINE There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts screaming) KRAMER Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling) JERRY Come on, let's go Jean-Paul! ELAINE Go Jean-Paaaaaul! (We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear his heart beating. Some people offer him drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves scene. Kramer gets very surprised. We then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to guess why. Kramer puts on a "whatta hell" look, Elaine puts on an "ouch" look and Jerry puts on his "it's a shame" one.) (George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub) STEINBRENNER How're you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George? GEORGE (bored to death) Well, I-I just recently uh... STEINBRENNER I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild goin'on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one o'these things. Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs) She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. (George starts sliding, until he gets all his head -and glasses- under water, as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know. THE END |
THE HAMPTONS | THE HAMPTONS Written by Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer (Comedy club) Look at the work people do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25 miles?" back seat. KRAMER All right, get off at the next exit. JERRY Kramer, I've driven to the Hamptons many times, I know the exit. KRAMER It's a great house, pool's something? Yeah, I'll be there. JERRY (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move? ELAINE We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it. JERRY Didn't they just have a baby? ELAINE That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!' JERRY Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them? KRAMER Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear? JERRY No. KRAMER Put that on the top of your list. JERRY No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now. ELAINE Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending the weekend together? JERRY I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent. ELAINE When's Rachel comin' out? JERRY She's makin' the three o'clock train. ELAINE Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session. JERRY I bought him some kishka. KRAMER What's that? JERRY It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them. GEORGE I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love. JANE Me too. I love cough medicine. GEORGE You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want. JANE What's your favorite? GEORGE Potussan. Ever try it with club soda? JANE No. GEORGE Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone. JANE Are we almost there? GEORGE Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand. JANE What for? GEORGE My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes. JANE Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun. KRAMER Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back. JERRY Who are you, Mrs. Robinson? KRAMER Come on, I'll rub some on yours. JERRY No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No. GEORGE (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool. JANE (No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited. GEORGE Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride? JANE I don't think so. GEORGE 'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes? JERRY No thanks. KRAMER No. (George leaves for the tomatoes) JANE I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters with a shady hat on) JERRY And then there's Mog. (She sits down next to Jerry) ELAINE Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines? JERRY No lines. ELAINE You know why? One word: shade. JERRY So when're we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event? ELAINE I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something. KRAMER I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come? ELAINE (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends. JERRY (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting. ELAINE What? JERRY Jane's topless. (They all look) KRAMER Yo yo ma. JERRY Boutros Boutros-Ghali. ELAINE Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door) CAROL Come on, you guys. You can come on and see the bay-bee! JERRY Oh, in a minute, Carol. KRAMER We're gonna be right there. JERRY This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet. ELAINE Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview? KRAMER Maybe she's trying to create a buzz. ELAINE What? KRAMER You know, get some good word of mouth goin'. JERRY Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters) JANE I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink? JERRY No thanks. ELAINE I'm good. KRAMER Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach. not far behind. CAROL Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here. ELAINE Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby. CAROL Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened and turn away) ELAINE Ugghh. CAROL Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking away) ELAINE Oh, gorgeous, yes. JERRY So very gorgeous. CAROL Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in. then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet. room. JERRY Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? ELAINE Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese. JERRY Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them. ELAINE Oh, you have to lie. JERRY It's a must lie situation. ELAINE Yes, it's a must lie situation. JERRY You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless. ELAINE No, I don't think so. JERRY You know, we might want to tell Kramer. BEN Oh this ointment should do it. CAROL How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa. ELAINE Hi. CAROL Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous? ELAINE (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous. BEN Elaine, you have children? ELAINE Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby. BEN A beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking. ELAINE Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking? CAROL And he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right? BEN Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby) JERRY Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station. ELAINE Yeah, see ya. JERRY Okay. (He leaves) CAROL Oh, just look at him! BEN Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his comment) RACHEL Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way. JERRY Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside) GEORGE Hey Rachel! RACHEL (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change. (She leaves) GEORGE What kind of a greeting was that? JERRY She's got greeting problems. GEORGE Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit. JERRY Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster) KRAMER Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got! GEORGE Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside) JERRY You got lobster for everybody? KRAMER Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean. GEORGE This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner... KRAMER I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George) GEORGE You saw who, what? KRAMER Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her. JERRY (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right. GEORGE You saw Jane topless? JERRY Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless. GEORGE Oh you mean face down on her chest. JERRY No. GEORGE Face up on her back? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Well why'd she do that? KRAMER I guess she was hot. GEORGE You mean she just laid there topless? KRAMER No, no, she got up, walked around... GEORGE Walked around? And you looked? KRAMER Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back. GEORGE I can't believe it, you saw her before me. JERRY Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again) GEORGE Well, how good a look did you get? JERRY Well what'd you mean? GEORGE Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist... JERRY They'd pick her up in about ten minutes. GEORGE Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked. JERRY I guess that's true... GEORGE Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit. JERRY What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked? GEORGE Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime. JERRY You can see me naked. I can offer you that. GEORGE It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first. ELAINE Nobody ever called me breathtaking before. JERRY I've never been called breathtaking either. ELAINE I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking? JERRY Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room. ELAINE Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out. JERRY How are you gonna do that? ELAINE I can be very clever. RACHEL I'm gonna take a swim. ELAINE Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed. GEORGE Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in) RACHEL Hey! GEORGE Oh, sorry. RACHEL Don't you knock? GEORGE I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before. JERRY You might have. GEORGE I didn't. JERRY You won't. RACHEL What'd you want anyway, George? JERRY Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want? GEORGE No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum. JERRY Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum. GEORGE Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up. RACHEL We don't have any gum. GEORGE Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits) RACHEL Strange man. JERRY Wait'll you get to know him. RACHEL So where is this baby, anyway? JERRY Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit) RACHEL (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits) GEORGE I was in the pool! I was in the pool! GEORGE Did she do it on purpose? JERRY It was my fault, I told her the wrong door. GEORGE I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me. JERRY So what? GEORGE Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But... JERRY But... GEORGE Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold... JERRY Oh... You mean... shrinkage. GEORGE Yes. Significant shrinkage! JERRY So you feel you were short changed. GEORGE Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me. JERRY Well, so what's the difference? GEORGE What if she discusses it with Jane? JERRY Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane. GEORGE How do you know? JERRY Women aren't like us. GEORGE They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor? JERRY No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage. GEORGE How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage? ELAINE What do you mean, like laundry? GEORGE No. JERRY Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... ELAINE It shrinks? JERRY Like a frightened turtle! ELAINE Why does it shrink? GEORGE It just does. ELAINE I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. MICHAEL Thanks for the lobster, Kramer. KRAMER Rachel, aren't you gonna have any? RACHEL Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish. KRAMER You mean you've never tasted lobster? RACHEL No. KRAMER Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you're gonna get some special attention. CAROL Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us. ELAINE + JERRY No! JERRY No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable. ELAINE Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're not fun for a baby. JERRY Yeah, the lobster'll scare him. CAROL I'm gonna get him. GEORGE See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things. ELAINE Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh) GEORGE What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at? JANE It's nothing, George. GEORGE You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me? JANE What is it with you? JERRY (To George) Easy big fella. MICHAEL So Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the Fleesher's Market? KRAMER No, I got 'em in the ocean. MICHAEL The ocean? What'd you mean? KRAMER Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up. MICHAEL Those are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law. KRAMER Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone. MICHAEL My father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table) CAROL (Entering with baby) Here he is. KRAMER Ahhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the baby) ELAINE Some night, huh? BEN Yeah, I wish I had my telescope. ELAINE Some dinner, huh? BEN Nothing like fresh caught lobster. ELAINE Some house, huh? BEN It was built by Mark Farman. ELAINE Some ugly baby, huh? BEN What did you say? ELAINE I said, uh, some snuggly baby. BEN He is something. ELAINE Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me. BEN Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby) JERRY You told her? RACHEL Yeah, what's the big deal? JERRY You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic. RACHEL Jerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane. GEORGE You're going back to New York now? JANE Yeah, I have some things to do. GEORGE Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think. JANE So what if I did? GEORGE And she didn't say something to you about a certain something? JANE I don't know what you're talking about. GEORGE *I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*! JANE I'm sure it is. GEORGE Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage. fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar. KRAMER Looking for this? (Holding up lobster) RACHEL Oh, Kramer! You startled me. KRAMER Well, I thought you might wind up around here. RACHEL Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh? KRAMER I'm afraid I couldn't do that. RACHEL Why not? KRAMER Well, that wouldn't be kosher. RACHEL C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it. KRAMER Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch. RACHEL Come on, Kramer. KRAMER Heyahhh! RACHEL I just heard a car drive out. What was that? JERRY Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked) CAROL George, thanks so much for making breakfast. ELAINE George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted. KRAMER I didn't know you could cook. GEORGE Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host. BEN Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (Rachel and Jerry enter) RACHEL Good morning. ALL Hey, hey. RACHEL Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me. MICHAEL What happened? RACHEL Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me. KRAMER You'd regret it for the rest of your life. RACHEL You're right, I would have. JERRY (Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy. GEORGE A little breakfast. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right? RACHEL Yes, I do, thanks. JERRY Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this? RACHEL Umm... This is so good. GEORGE Ah, enjoying them? RACHEL Mm-hmm. GEORGE Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. (Holds up lobster bib) RACHEL There's lobster in these eggs? GEORGE Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water. (Rachel storms out of room) JERRY Well, I guess I gotta go, too. ELAINE Well, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman knocks on door, Michael answers) MICHAEL Excuse me? POLICE I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher that cleaned out on of the traps. KRAMER Wonder what's goin' on. GEORGE Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize. MICHAEL There he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer waves to policeman) RACHEL Ahh! Don't you ever knock? GEORGE I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael to town. ELAINE Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either. JERRY I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer. ELAINE How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine? JERRY They got some sort of program. officer. Back to the car. GEORGE Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more. JERRY Hey, isn't that Michael's car? ELAINE There's Rachel. GEORGE Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato) THE END |
THE PILOT PART 1 | THE PILOT PART 1 Written by Larry David (night club) JERRY To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry's) (Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer) KRAMER Why can't I play Kramer? JERRY Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor! KRAMER Neither are you. JERRY I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act? KRAMER Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny. JERRY My grandmother's in the hospital. KRAMER Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital! JERRY This is real believable. KRAMER What you didn't think I was really laughing? JERRY It stinks. KRAMER Let me see you do it. JERRY Say something funny. KRAMER Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely. JERRY Ah.......... KRAMER Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too) (George enters while they're both laughing) GEORGE Why are two pretending to be laughing? JERRY We're acting. (they stop laughing) GEORGE Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC? JERRY No. GEORGE I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it. KRAMER (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition. JERRY (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot. KRAMER (to George) Yeah! GEORGE Out of the question. KRAMER Oughh! GEORGE (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know) (scene ends) (Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant) (Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table) RUSSELL I really appreciate you coming. ELAINE Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So... RUSSELL All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just--It's just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once... ELAINE That was two months ago. RUSSELL Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret) ELAINE Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table) RUSSELL But I want you. ELAINE God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does). RUSSELL Is it something I said... or did? ELAINE Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem. RUSSELL Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. ELAINE Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy. RUSSELL Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show. ELAINE Really? What is it about? RUSSELL (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing. ELAINE (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing? RUSSELL (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today? ELAINE Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here. RUSSELL There's a show. that's a show. ELAINE Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So... RUSSELL (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna see each other again. ELAINE I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving). (scene ends) (Jerry's) (back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment) JERRY Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you. GEORGE He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag) (Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone) JERRY (to George) Again with the sweat pants? GEORGE What? I'm comfortable. JERRY You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled) KRAMER (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other) JERRY (to Kramer) Who is it? KRAMER That's NBC. JERRY NBC!?! Give me the phone! KRAMER I'm in the middle of a conversation here. JERRY Get off the phone! KRAMER (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up) JERRY You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it? KRAMER Russell Dalrimple's secretary. JERRY All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed) (scene ends) (Dana's office) GEORGE What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series? DANA That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful. GEORGE Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy. DANA I thought you didn't believe in God? GEORGE I do for the bad things. DANA Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip? GEORGE What? DANA It's like a discoloration. It's white. GEORGE (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white. DANA You'd better get that checked out. GEORGE Better get that checked out? DANA I would. GEORGE What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors? DANA I'm trying to help you. GEORGE What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her) DANA I think you'd better go. GEORGE Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves) (scene ends) (Jerry and George in a cab at a light) JERRY Where? GEORGE Right here. (showing his lip) JERRY Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack') GEORGE (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here? CABBIE Yeah, it's like a discoloration. GEORGE Oh, my God. CABBIE Yeah, it's all white. GEORGE (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white! JERRY Would you stop? CABBIE I would get that checked out if I were you. GEORGE Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something. JERRY If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time. GEORGE Catch what in time? JERRY Whatever it is. GEORGE You think it's something? CABBIE Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers) JOE DEVOLA (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away) (scene ends) (NBC) (Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee table.) STU (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration. GEORGE (to Jay) What do you think it is? JAY It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers) CASTING DIRECTOR O.K. guys, are we ready to start? JERRY Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here. (George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.) STU Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me. JAY He must be worried about the fall schedule. STU Ah, it's a real bear. GEORGE Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week? STU Yeah. Right. (the casting director enters with an actor) CASTING DIRECTOR This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair) MARK Hey how you doing? JERRY (thinking) They've gotta be kidding. GEORGE (thinking) This guy's perfect. CASTING DIRECTOR O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part. MARK Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny) CASTING DIRECTOR No. Why? MARK Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries". CASTING DIRECTOR I'm Vandelay Industries? MARK Right. CASTING DIRECTOR What is that? MARK You're in latex. CASTING DIRECTOR What do I do with latex? MARK I don't know, you manufacture it. (scene cuts) (the casting director enters with another actor) CASTING DIRECTOR This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses) ALL Hi Michael. How you doing? JERRY Everything all right? MICHAEL I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George) CASTING DIRECTOR Any questions? MICHAEL Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser? GEORGE No, not a loser! CASTING DIRECTOR Let's start with the second scene. You have it here? MICHAEL A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George) CASTING DIRECTOR So? MICHAEL Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ... CASTING DIRECTOR He was what? MICHAEL He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter) CASTING DIRECTOR That's a massage. MICHAEL I think it moved. (scene cuts) (the casting director enters with a beautiful actress) CASTING DIRECTOR This is Melissa Shannon. MELISSA Hi. ALL Hi. How you doing. CASTING DIRECTOR Melissa is reading for Elaine. MELISSA It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas. JERRY No you didn't. He knows he's bald. MELISSA So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table) CASTING DIRECTOR O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down) JERRY (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her. MELISSA Oh, great. (the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her) JERRY Alright, want to start? MELISSA Yeah. JERRY O.K. MELISSA Ahem. What was that look? JERRY What look? MELISSA That look you just gave me? JERRY I gave a look? MELISSA Yes. GEORGE Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George) CASTING DIRECTOR Let's see some more Kramers. (We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer) ALL Hi. How you doing? TOM (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing? JERRY (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good. (scene cuts) (Tom and the casting director are into a scene) CASTING DIRECTOR What is this about? TOM (standing) Levels. CASTING DIRECTOR Levels? TOM Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt. CASTING DIRECTOR I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that? TOM Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table) GEORGE Very nice JERRY Very good GEORGE Very nice Tom, that was terrific. TOM May I? (pointing the box of raisins) GEORGE Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins) JERRY (to George) It was a wonderful reading. GEORGE Yeah. Really. TOM Well, bye. GEORGE Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director) STU Now, I thought he was really good, very funny. JERRY Yeah, I liked him. GEORGE What happened to the raisins? JAY Yeah, there was a box of raisins there! GEORGE Did he just steal the raisins? STU You think he stole them? CASTING DIRECTOR (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand. JERRY (to Kramer) What are you doing here? CASTING DIRECTOR You two know each other? STU Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads. KRAMER That's true. (Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.) KRAMER (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom? STU I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end. KRAMER Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves) "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...) (scene ends) (Monk's) (Jerry and Elaine at a booth) ELAINE So who's playing Elaine? JERRY Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress. ELAINE Really? JERRY Yes. ELAINE Who is it? JERRY She's an eskimo, actually. ELAINE Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding) JERRY She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. ELAINE Listen, was Russell at the casting? JERRY No, he didn't show up. ELAINE You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful? JERRY No. No you're not. ELAINE Why do I keep setting you up? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow. JERRY Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management? ELAINE Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that. JERRY Beside that. Look at the waitresses. ELAINE Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts) JERRY What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? ELAINE Ah... JERRY I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say? ELAINE Yes, I would say. JERRY What's going on here. How is that possible? ELAINE Do you think it's a coincidence? JERRY No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film. (the waitress finally came with the coffee) ELAINE (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here? WAITRESS He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away) ELAINE You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too? JERRY Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless. (scene ends) (doctor's clinic) GEORGE You see, It's right here. It's all white... DOCTOR Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before. GEORGE You've never seen this before? DOCTOR I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm) GEORGE (dramatically) A what? DOCTOR A biopsy. GEORGE A biopsy? DOCTOR Yeah. GEORGE Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? DOCTOR Well I don't know what it is. (scene ends) (Jerry's) GEORGE A biopsy! JERRY What did he say? GEORGE He said he didn't know what it was. JERRY Alright. So? GEORGE When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?" JERRY Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality. GEORGE How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip) JERRY Can't you at least die with a little dignity? GEORGE No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? (Kramer enters) JERRY Hey. What happened to you yesterday? KRAMER I got mugged. GEORGE You got mugged? JERRY Mugged? KRAMER Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom. JERRY Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building? KRAMER It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and... (door buzzer) JERRY Yeah? ELAINE It's me. JERRY Come on up. KRAMER But now I have a big problem, buddy. JERRY What is it? KRAMER Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance. JERRY You didn't go? KRAMER No. And now I can't get it back. (George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom) KRAMER How could you not think about it? (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey. KRAMER (mumbles and leaves) ELAINE What's the matter with him? JERRY He's a little backed up. ELAINE Oh... (George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.) GEORGE Elaine. ELAINE So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop. JERRY Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table) (Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom) GEORGE (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life. ELAINE So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself. GEORGE Apply for a job? What for? ELAINE Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked) GEORGE It's a coincidence. JERRY This is what you gonna wear? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY You're not gonna get the job. ELAINE Exactly. (phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich) JERRY (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up) ELAINE Who was it? JERRY TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part. ELAINE What about the dogs? JERRY They're having sex in the hotel room. (scene ends) (Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier) Sandi Robbins) SANDI So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know. JERRY Yes. SANDI And she's really your ex-girlfriend? JERRY Uh, Huh, yeah. SANDI I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her. JERRY Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty. SANDI How would she eat a hamburger? JERRY With her hands. SANDI What about pasta? JERRY Also with her hands. SANDI Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced. JERRY Everything? SANDI Everything. JERRY All right she cuts her pasta with a knife. SANDI That's good. What's her favorite movie? JERRY Shaft. SANDI You got to get me a picture. What about sex? JERRY She likes talking during sex. SANDI Oh... dirty talking? JERRY No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking at his watch) SANDI Elaine. JERRY What? SANDI Call me Elaine. JERRY All right. Elaine. SANDI How does Elaine kiss? JERRY Well-- SANDI Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry) JERRY Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like-- SANDI Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral) JERRY I think you got it. (scene ends) (Monk's) (Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier) TOM I'll have a hamburger. That's it. KRAMER Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf. TOM This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. KRAMER You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer. TOM I'm Kramer. KRAMER Whoa, I'm Kramer. (scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager) MR. VISAKI (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table. ELAINE No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job. MR. VISAKI (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before. ELAINE Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified. MR. VISAKI I don't think I need anyone else right now. ELAINE You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves) MR. VISAKI What? What did I do? (scene ends) (The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office) ELAINE Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie. FRED Who's Russ Meyer? ELAINE Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say. FRED Anyway, go on. ELAINE Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me. FRED (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this. PAUL (to Elaine) Hi. ELAINE Hi. FRED Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women. PAUL (to Elaine) Really? THE END |
THE BOYFRIEND PART 1 | THE BOYFRIEND PT 1 Written by Larry David & Larry Levin (Comedy club) To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe. (Gym Locker Room) KRAMER Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball. GEORGE Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble. JERRY I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker. GEORGE Oh I'm a chucker. JERRY That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot. GEORGE I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck! JERRY You chuck. GEROGE Kramer am I a chucker? KRAMER You're a chucker. GEORGE All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me? JERRY Well it's not an easy thing to bring up. KRAMER Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked. JERRY Believe me I didn't see anything. KRAMER Oh, you didn't sneak a peak? JERRY No, did you? KRAMER Yeah, I snuck a peak. JERRY Why? KRAMER Why not? hey what about you George? GEORGE yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur. JERRY I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have. KRAMER Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later. JERRY All right KRAMER Have a good one. JERRY All right GEORGE See ya. (Kramer exits) GEORGE look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here? JERRY You know who that is? That's GEORGE Keith Hernandez? The baseball player? JERRY Yeah, that's him. GEORGE Are you sure? JERRY Positive. GEORGE Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player. JERRY Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. GEORGE I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff JERRY So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start. GEORGE ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension JERRY Hey, should we say something to him? GEORGE Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room. JERRY well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind. GEORGE He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. JERRY So? GEORGE What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball! JERRY I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him. GEORGE What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination. KEITH Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy. JERRY Really? KEITH I've always wanted to do what you do. JERRY What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time GEORGE Mine too. KEITH I love that bit about Jimmy Olson JERRY Thank you. GEORGE You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ... KEITH (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now? JERRY I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in. GEORGE But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out. KEITH You know, I live on the East Side. JERRY I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go. KEITH or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee JERRY Oh. that would be great. GEORGE Uh, it's only a matter of time. KEITH Who's this chucker? --- (Monks) JERRY It's been three days and he hasn't called. ELAINE Well maybe you should call him. JERRY I can't ... I can't ELAINE Why not? JERRY I don't know. I just feel he should call me. ELAINE What's the difference? JERRY You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call. ELAINE Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes. JERRY I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that? ELAINE I'm sorry honey. JERRY I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him. ELAINE No, JERRY Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? ELAINE I know. JERRY What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again. ELAINE Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call. JERRY Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer! ELAINE You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town? JERRY Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy? ELAINE Why don't you just go ahead and call him? JERRY I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him? ELAINE Just ask him if he wants a to get together. JERRY For what dinner? ELAINE Dinner's good. JERRY Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off? ELAINE Jerry, He's A GUY! JERRY ... this is all .. very confusing. STAND UP ========= When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends! (New York State Department of Labor) MRS. SOKOL You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out. GEORGE Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension. MRS. SOKOL So where have you been looking for work? GEORGE Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look. MRS. SOKOL Can you be specific about any of these companies? GEORGE Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, .. MRS. SOKOL Well just give me one name. GEORGE Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandaley Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close. MRS. SOKOL And what type of company is that? GEORGE Latex, latex manufacturing MRS. SOKOL And you interviewed there? GEORGE Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. MRS. SOKOL I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandaley company... GOERGE You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door. MRS. SOKOL The address! GEORGE YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it? MRS. SOKOL No. GEORGE Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny. MRS. SOKOL The ADDRESS! GEORGE uh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them. MRS. SOKOL The PHONE number. GEORGE That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours. MRS. SOKOL As soon as I'm done wit you! GEORGE Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,. (George runs down hall) (Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth) GEORGE (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back. (Jerry's Apartment) KRAMER (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right? JERRY Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay? ELAINE Jerry, ... He's a GUY! KRAMER well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call. (Phone Booth) GEORGE (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry? KRAMER George? GEORGE Kramer put Jerry on the phone. KRAMER (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back. GEORGE Kramer!! Kramer no!! KRAMER ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn. (Phone Booth) GEORGE hitting phone (Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him) (Jerry's Apartment) KRAMER Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, (Hangs up) . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby. JERRY Oh, see the baby again with the baby.. ELAINE Who are they? JERRY Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby. JERRY (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape? ELAINE You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it. JERRY uh uh because then it would be all grown up. ELAINE yeah ha ha ha JERRY Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt? KRAMER (does a double take) It's too busy ELAINE It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself. KRAMER What guy? JERRY I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him. KRAMER Who are you talkin about? JERRY Uh, Keith uh Hernandez. KRAMER KEITH HERNANDEZ? NEWMAN (enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ? (In cab) GEORGE Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please. (changes lanes) GEORGE You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light - CABBY That's it GET OUT!! GEORGE Get out? CABBY Get out of my cab. GEORGE Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab (Cabby gets out) GEORGE No, no! You can't throw me out (Wrestling in cab) (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY Hellooo Newman. KRAMER I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him. NEWMAN I despise him. ELAINE Why? NEWMAN Why? I'll tell you why... KRAMER Let me tell it .. NEWMAN No, you can't tell it .. KRAMER You always tell it .. NEWMAN All right, tell it. KRAMER Ja ja ja - just tell it NEWMAN June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game. KRAMER Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... (cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!) ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp. NEWMAN A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward. ELAINE What was it? KRAMER He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!" NEWMAN Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me. ELAINE Wow! What a story. JERRY Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. JERRY Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie. (THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF KEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!) NEWMAN Well that's the way it happened. JERRY What happened to your head when you got hit? KRAMER Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left JERRY Again KRAMER Back and to the left JERRY Back and to the left Back and to the left ELAINE So, what are you saying? JERRY I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward. ELAINE So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right. JERRY But that is not what they would have you believe. NEWMAN I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits) KRAMER Wait, wait, (Exits) JERRY The sad thing is we may never know the real truth. (George runs in) GEORGE (Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandaley industries? JERRY No. What happened to you? GEORGE Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries". JERRY I'm Vanadaley Industries? GEORGE Right. JERRY And what is that? GEORGE You're in latex JERRY Latex? And what do I do with latex? GEORGE Ya manufacture it. ELAINE Here in this little apartment? JERRY And what do I say about you? GEORGE You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. JERRY I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman? GEORGE Right. JERRY I don't think so. Why would I do that? GEORGE Because I asked you to. JERRY If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff. (Buzzer) JERRY Yeah. KRAMER It's Keith. JERRY All right we're coming down. GEORGE KEITH HERNANDEZ:? JERRY Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go. GEORGE Where are you goin? ELAINE He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive? JERRY That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years. GEORGE What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit) (Keith's car) JERRY Well that was really fun, thanks. KEITH Yeah, it really was. JERRY Should I shake his hand? JERRY Well, ... KEITH UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK? JERRY No, I haven't. JERRY This weekend. WOW! JERRY Sure, that would be great. JERRY Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that. JERRY I mean, ... if you want to. KEITH Well, how about this Friday? JERRY Yeah, Friday's okay. JERRY Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show. JERRY Well, good night (holds hand out and shakes hand) KEITH Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight, JERRY Elaine? KEITH Yeah. What's her story? JERRY Uh, I don't know, we used to go out. KEITH Would you mind if I gave her a call? JERRY For a date? KEITH Yeah. JERRY Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen? KEITH You sure you don't mind? JERRY .... (silence) (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY So then we went to dinner. GEORGE Who paid? JERRY We split it. GEORGE Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six? JERRY Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time. (Buzzer) JERRY Yeah ELAINE It's Elaine. JERRY Come on up. GEORGE So then what? JERRY Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home. GEORGE Shake his hand? JERRY (smiling) Yeah GEORGE What kind of a shake does he have? JERRY Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there. GEORGE So, uh, you gonna see him again? JERRY He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night. GEORGE Wow! The weekend. JERRY So then as I was getting out of the car, ... ELAINE HI JERRY Hi Elaine. ELAINE Sooo, how was your date? JERRY What date? It's a GUY. ELAINE So you know , ... he called me. JERRY Already? GEORGE Keith called you? ELAINE (nods) GEORGE He he This guy really gets around. ELAINE Do you mind? JERRY I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say? ELAINE He asked me out for Saturday night. JERRY Oh, ya' going? ELAINE I told him I was busy. JERRY Ah, really. ELAINE So, we're going out Friday. (long pause) JERRY Friday? ELAINE yeah. JERRY He's going' out with you on Friday? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY He's supposed to see ME on Friday. ELAINE Oh, uh, I didn't know. JERRY We made plans. ELAINE Well, uh, I'll cancel it. JERRY No, don't cancel it. ELAINE Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/ JERRY Well, frankly it is. ELAINE I've never seen you jealous before. JERRY Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it. ELAINE Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me? (long pause) JERRY Any Hennigans around here? (Phone rings) JERRY Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around JERRY No. No. I don't mind at all. ELAINE (whispers) No, no, no, I can cancel. JERRY Sure, we can do something next week. ELAINE (whispers I can cancel. JERRY No, its no problem at all. ELAINE (whispers) I,... JERRY Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey JERRY Hey what are you doing Friday night? JERRY Friday night? Nothin', ... now. KRAMER Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby? JERRY Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby. KRAMER Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it JERRY All right, I'll go KRAMER All right (Jerry exits with garbage) (Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment) (phone rings) KRAMER Yallo. What delay industries? ELAINE no no , .. GEORGE (from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY! KRAMER Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment GEORGE (from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... vandaley Industries, ... KRAMER no problem, ... no problem. (Hangs up) ... How did YOU know who that was? (Jerry enters - sees George on the floor) JERRY And you want to be my latex salesman. (Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor) THE END |
THE COMEBACK | THE COMEBACK Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room) A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about as fast as he can manage. BILL Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no. REILLY No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there. GEORGE (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox? REILLY Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of seafood. (George's Car) George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig. GEORGE (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit! (New York Health & Racquet Club) George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis. JERRY 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.' Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet. JERRY (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him? GEORGE (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here. JERRY Oh. That's not quite the same. GEORGE No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet. JERRY I'm gonna grab a can of balls. GEORGE Right. George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry. MILOS Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you. JERRY I need a can of balls. Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls. MILOS Can of balls for the nice guy, alri... Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet. MILOS ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you? Jerry looks surprised. (Champagne Video) Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack marked 'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and 'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, when Kramer comes up behind her. KRAMER Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes? ELAINE Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies. KRAMER Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack. ELAINE Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream. KRAMER (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick. Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection. ELAINE (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one. KRAMER Yeah, went straight to video. Elaine looks upon this as a negative. KRAMER (positive) That makes me the premiere. Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter. ELAINE (gets Kramer's point) Hah. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper. KRAMER Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness? JERRY No. (img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau") KRAMER It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this. Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry. JERRY (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.' KRAMER Can you do that for me, buddy? JERRY Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document. KRAMER Well, I'm gonna type it up. JERRY Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer. KRAMER Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present. Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table. KRAMER Oh, hey, new racquet, huh? JERRY Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it. Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet. JERRY In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with. KRAMER (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more. Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him. JERRY (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book. KRAMER (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page. Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects. (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from her eye, and sniffs. ELAINE (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs) The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being interrupted. ELAINE What? VINCENT Did you enjoy the movie? ELAINE Who is it? VINCENT It's Vincent. ELAINE Of Vincent's picks? VINCENT The same. Elaine smiles excitedly. (Tennis Club) Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the one we saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind them, a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. He's missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet. JERRY He called you? ELAINE He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours. JERRY To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous. Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry. ELAINE Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours. A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player from the other court shouts over. PLAYER Little help, hey! ELAINE (tossing the ball back) Yeah. PLAYER Thank you. The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet and bounces away past him. ELAINE (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible. JERRY (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm. The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in the background. ELAINE Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club? JERRY George used up all my guest passes already. ELAINE Ah. PLAYER Ahh. A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it. JERRY Come on. PLAYER Thank you. The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm. JERRY (tossing the ball) Here you go. The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. It's Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet. JERRY (disbelief) Milos? MILOS (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing? Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks away from Jerry. MILOS Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here. Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. He fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks down at his new racquet, thoughtfully. (Jerry's Apartment) Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat. ELAINE So he was bad. What d'you care? JERRY Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log. The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie. KRAMER Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor. ELAINE The executor? Of what? JERRY Kramer wants to die with dignity. ELAINE There's a feather in your cap. KRAMER I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers) The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself. GEORGE Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends. JERRY D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter? GEORGE I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again. ELAINE Who's Reilly? JERRY George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.' Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh. GEORGE Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.' George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with varying levels of confusion in their expressions. GEORGE (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?! ELAINE How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'? Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles. GEORGE (confused) What does that mean? JERRY (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.' GEORGE (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me. KRAMER Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him. GEORGE (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line. KRAMER Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se... GEORGE (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess! George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks over and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old racquet on a stool. KRAMER (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage? JERRY Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings. KRAMER Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will? Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash. KRAMER (indicating) You see? You can't let go. JERRY Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you. KRAMER I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon? ELAINE Me? KRAMER Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats. ELAINE (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon. (Lawyer's Office) Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer, who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer looks nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored. SHELLBACH Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function. KRAMER Well, would I be able to communicate? SHELLBACH I don't see how. ELAINE Ach, I don't like the sound of this one. KRAMER Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord. ELAINE Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower. SHELLBACH Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system. Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down. KRAMER Well, I gotta have a central nervous system. SHELLBACH Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube. KRAMER Naw, that's not my style. ELAINE Bore-ing. SHELLBACH Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else. KRAMER (hesitant) Uhm... Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods. ELAINE I'd stick. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop. ELAINE (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right. (New York Health & Racquet Club) A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter to be met by a nervous and apologetic Milos. JERRY Hello Milos. MILOS Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen... JERRY (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about. MILOS I..I... JERRY You can't even play. MILOS Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge. JERRY You could do that? MILOS Jerry, for you, anything. Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful. JERRY (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos? MILOS (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money. JERRY (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I... MILOS Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you. JERRY (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me. Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful woman, he speaks. JERRY Tennis, anyone? The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks after him, worried. (Champagne Video) Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks a video off the 'Vincent' rack. ELAINE Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes? KRAMER That's a lotta yearning, huh? ELAINE You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting. KRAMER Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx. ELAINE Really? KRAMER (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise. ELAINE (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well... KRAMER Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box) ELAINE Yeah, I could use a chuckle. Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter with the Bernie's tape. KRAMER (approving) Yeah. ELAINE What're you getting? KRAMER Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness. ELAINE Oh. How much you got left? KRAMER Yeah, about two hours. Elaine does a double-take at this. KRAMER Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick. (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it. ELAINE (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh! The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption. ELAINE Hello. VINCENT (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine? ELAINE Vincent? VINCENT (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special. ELAINE (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it. There is a click as Vincent hangs up. ELAINE Vincent? (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room) The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George is stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table. FRED Alright, let's get to it. GEORGE Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly? FRED Reilly doesn't work here any more. GEORGE (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that. FRED Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings. Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again, George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events. (Street) Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him. PATTY Hello. JERRY Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday? PATTY I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here. JERRY (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee? PATTY Why don't we just go up to your apartment? JERRY (surprised) Alright. Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow. JERRY (to himself) Gotta be an easier way. Jerry turns to follow Patty. TRANSCRIBED BY (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack can be heard from the TV. NURSE Doctor, how's her coma? DOCTOR Oh, exactly the same. Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch to watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth. DOCTOR Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma. Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen. DOCTOR Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay? ALLBRIGHT (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush. Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the movie. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter. JERRY So, you play tennis? PATTY (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry. Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised. JERRY Not for me, I love chatting. PATTY (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh. Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to kiss, she breaks away. PATTY (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him! JERRY Who? PATTY (cries) Milos. My husband! JERRY (shocked) Your husband?! Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands up in the air, in a gesture of total disbelief. (Jerry's Apartment) George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight. Jerry listens. GEORGE So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola? JERRY (explanation) He's new around here. GEORGE (hopeful) So, details? JERRY (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her. GEORGE Because of society, right? JERRY (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out? Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter. GEORGE Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that? George wanders over into the kitchen. JERRY Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go. George looks in the fridge. GEORGE Yeah, I'm gonna let it go. JERRY You never really had the right comeback, anyway. George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door. GEORGE (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say. George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door opens and Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end. GEORGE (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot. George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him. KRAMER I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma. JERRY I didn't know it was possible not to know that. GEORGE (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband? KRAMER (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable. GEORGE (disappointed) Oww. KRAMER (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug. Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly. (Champagne Video) Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies of a video called Betrayed. ELAINE What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I... Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine. KRAMER Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it. ELAINE Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done? The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine. MANAGER Excuse me. //tinyurl.com/2rau") The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it with another name. ELAINE What're you doing? The manager walks back to behind the counter. ELAINE Wha..wha...? MANAGER Vincent stopped making picks. ELAINE (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see? MANAGER We have a wide variety of Gene picks. ELAINE (dismissive) Gene's trash. MANAGER I'm Gene. Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows. ELAINE (forcing a smile) Hi. (New York Health & Racquet Club) A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry. JERRY Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing. MILOS (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore. JERRY I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade. MILOS Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man. JERRY (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too. (Monk's) Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth. JERRY So you hurt Vincent's feelings? ELAINE (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today. JERRY (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this? Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm. ELAINE It's the play button, off his VCR. JERRY (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth. George enters and strolls over to the booth. GEORGE (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio. ELAINE Ohio? Mark's Michelle is a dog. GEORGE Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning. JERRY (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy? GEORGE Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself. ELAINE See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all. GEORGE (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience! George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, and has heard his shouts. GEORGE (waving apologetically) Not you. (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's The Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard. OLD WOMAN Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain. The phone rings and Elaine picks up. ELAINE Hello. VINCENT Elaine? It's Vincent. ELAINE (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you. VINCENT No. I can't bear to have anyone see me. ELAINE Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you. VINCENT (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while. (Kramer's Car) Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked up behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched over the steering wheel, looking nervous. KRAMER (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed. (Lawyer's Office) Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters. SECRETARY Hi, can I help you? KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will. SECRETARY Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day. Kramer looks anxious again. (Tennis Club) Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched by a small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet vaguely in the direction of the ball. JERRY Too good. MILOS (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha! Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry. JERRY You're on fire today. MILOS (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful! Patty blows Milos a kiss. MILOS (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu. JERRY (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff? MILOS (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha! Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful. (Outside Vincent's Apartment) Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks her hair a little, and knocks at the door. ELAINE Hello? Vincent? The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so the occupant can't be seen. VINCENT Elaine? ELAINE I got what you asked. VINCENT Just, leave it and go. ELAINE W..well, can't I come in? VINCENT No. Go away. Now. TRANSCRIBED BY (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door. ELAINE (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel. A woman comes up behind Elaine. WOMAN Excuse me. Can I help you? VINCENT Aw, dammit! ELAINE (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent. WOMAN Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here? The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there. Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his hands up to cover his face. VINCENT (shrieks) No, my acne! Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed in surprise. ELAINE Ahh-cnee. WOMAN (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here? Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through the contents. WOMAN (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old? ELAINE (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies. WOMAN Did he send you part of our VCR? Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her. ELAINE Yeah. Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her head and hands it over. WOMAN (entering the apartment) Vincent! Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. She drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the bottle like a club. (Tennis Club) Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the court in front of himself. MILOS (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah. Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at this constant derision. JERRY (quietly) I told you to cut it out. Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in the face. MILOS (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience) Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah. Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around for someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine. KRAMER (waving) Shellbach. Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the room to get to him. Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer. KRAMER Racquet. The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating the automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious and, as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer. Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps, unconscious, to the floor. (Insert) Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'. (Firestone Boardroom, Akron) A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign on the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George, who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp. REILLY So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium? GEORGE (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody. MCADAM (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense. GEORGE Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth. George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth. REILLY (leaning forward) You know, George... George looks up, expectantly. REILLY The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers. GEORGE (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you REILLY (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George looks angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something occurs to him. GEORGE Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife. George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there is a deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands and leans over to speak in George's ear. MCADAM His wife is in a coma. George looks sick. (Hospital Room) Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper. There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR. ELAINE (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing? JERRY He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy. ELAINE Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick. JERRY What happened to Vincent? ELAINE (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet? Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed. ELAINE Ah. Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one of the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the plug, as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks in terror. KRAMER (screaming) Waahhh!!! (Insert) A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'. (George's Car) Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry. GEORGE 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and... He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something. GEORGE (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh! George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards the airport. GEORGE (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha! THE END |
THE MANGO | THE MANGO Written by Buck Dancer & Lawrence H. Levy (nightclub) JERRY A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. (Monk's) JERRY So, what's her name? GEORGE Karin. JERRY Is she nice? GEORGE Great. JERRY So you like her? GEORGE I think so. JERRY You don't know? GEORGE I can't tell anymore. JERRY Well do you feel anything? GEORGE Feel? What's that? JERRY All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY You're just straightening up or you're cleaning? GEORGE Cleaning JERRY You do the tub? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Okay, I think you're in love! GEORGE Tub is love? JERRY Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment. GEORGE Yep. There's one little problem. JERRY Sexual? GEORGE Yeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really feld confident in..... one particular aspect. JERRY Below the equator? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort. GEORGE I don't know. Last time I got the tap. JERRY You got the tap? GEORGE You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through. JERRY The tap is tough. GEORGE It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball. JERRY Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business. GEORGE No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that. JERRY It's a very complicated area. GEORGE You can go crazy trying to figure that place out. JERRY It's a haaazy mystery. GEORGE Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking. (Elaine joins them) ELAINE Who's faking? GEORGE Nothing. ELAINE Faking what? GEORGE Nobody's faking. ELAINE Ah! Orgasm? GEORGE She's not faking! ELAINE How do you know? GEORGE I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake? ELAINE Of course. JERRY Really? GEORGE You faked? ELAINE On occasion. JERRY And the guy never knows? ELAINE No. JERRY How can he not know that? ELAINE Because I was gooood. JERRY I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. (Jerry and George laugh) ELAINE You didn't know. JERRY What? ELAINE You didn't know. JERRY Are you saying... (George calls a waitress) GEORGE I think I'll have a piece of cake. JERRY With me? ELAINE Well... JERRY You faked with me? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY You faked with me? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY No. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY You faked it? ELAINE I faked it. JERRY That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? ELAINE Not bad huh? JERRY What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? ELAINE Fake, fake, fake, fake. JERRY I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this? ELAINE Uuuhm, all the time. JERRY All the time?! GEORGE We got a chocolate malt in here! JERRY But I'm so good. GEORGE I'm sure you are. ELAINE Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then. JERRY She faked. (George smiles sarcastically) JERRY Maybe they've all been faking. ELAINE I'm sure they're not. GEORGE Maybe Karin is faking. (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove) KRAMER She was probably joking. JERRY No no, it was no joke. KRAMER She didn't have any? JERRY No. None. KRAMER She faked 'em all. JERRY Faked 'em all. KRAMER Well so she faked 'em, so what? JERRY The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. KRAMER You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times. JERRY How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it. KRAMER Yeah I could have helped you out. JERRY What could you have done? KRAMER I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons body. JERRY I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing. KRAMER Aaaaah. JERRY Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her. (The phone rings) KRAMER Giddy-up. (Jerry picks it up) JERRY Hello... Oh hello Elaine. ELAINE So we're having dinner tonight? JERRY I don't know, I'm not really in the mood. ELAINE Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you? JERRY What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast. ELAINE Nooo, the other thing. JERRY Oooh that. Well... ELAINE Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it. JERRY Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty? ELAINE Okay. JERRY All right. ELAINE All right, see you later. JERRY Bye. ELAINE Bye. (Elaine's office) (Rene walks passed the office) ELAINE Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it? RENE Yeah, sometimes. ELAINE Really, like when? RENE Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. ELAINE Yeah, well... RENE Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY I really don't feel like seeing her. KRAMER You know, I faked it. JERRY What?! KRAMER Yeah. JERRY You faked it? Why would you do that? KRAMER Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep. JERRY Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer spits out his peach) JERRY Bad peach? KRAMER It's terrible! JERRY Did you get that at Joe's? KRAMER Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's. JERRY That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best. KRAMER You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this. JERRY You're returning used fruit? KRAMER Jerry this peach is sub par. (Joe's) JOE So what do you want me to do? KRAMER I want restitution. JOE Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution? KRAMER Because it's no good. JOE When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me. KRAMER It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit. JOE I stand behind my fruit. KRAMER So... JOE Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him. KRAMER You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go. JOE Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business. KRAMER Oh now you don't want my business. JOE No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned! KRAMER But what am I gonna do for fruit? (restaurant) (Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing dinner) GEORGE You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied? KARIN I'm very satisfied. GEORGE I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you? KARIN I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma. GEORGE Hey listen... instead of the movie... maybe we'll go back and... you know... KARIN Maybe. GEORGE So... you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... generally okay with everything in there? KARIN Generally. GEORGE Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto? KARIN No, I feel full after the Risotto. GEORGE Yeah... full. ((another) restaurant) (Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner) JERRY Satisfied? ELAINE Hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? JERRY Meryl Streep? ELAINE You don't like her? JERRY Ah, she's okay. ELAINE I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there. JERRY Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you? ELAINE I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill. JERRY Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this? ELAINE What's the matter? JERRY Nothing. ELAINE You're not still thinking about that are you? JERRY Nooo. ELAINE Oh good. JERRY Give me another shot! ELAINE What? JERRY Another shot, I want another shot. ELAINE You mean...? JERRY Yes! ELAINE Oooh no, I don't think so. JERRY Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it! ELAINE Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship. JERRY Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship . ELAINE Jerry no, that's important to me. JERRY We won't ruin the friendship. ELAINE Yes we will! JERRY Elaine... ELAINE No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it. JERRY A half hour, give me a half our. ELAINE No! JERRY Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen! ELAINE No! JERRY You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you? ELAINE What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care. JERRY That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it. ELAINE That is so ridiculous. JERRY Come on, Elaine! ELAINE No. JERRY Elaine?! ELAINE No! (Karin's bedroom) (George indicates that the sex went wrong) GEORGE It's Jerry's fault. KARIN Jerry? GEORGE Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts. KARIN Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right. GEORGE So you feel okay? KARIN Well, it's not like after the Risotto. (Jerry's car) JERRY Well good night. ELAINE I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie. JERRY Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney. ELAINE Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic). JERRY Oh what, you're upset? ELAINE Yes I'm upset, can't you tell? JERRY No I can't, maybe you're faking. ELAINE I'm really, really sorry I told you that. JERRY I'm sorry too. ELAINE Well stop being such a baby. JERRY You're a baby! ELAINE You're a baby! (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.' JERRY They're mysterious little fellows aren't they? GEORGE I hate 'em! JERRY You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens. GEORGE It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit? JERRY Why can't you get it? KRAMER Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now. JERRY What happened? KRAMER Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and... well Joe doesn't want my business. GEORGE Hey, was that a joke about Houdini? JERRY No. (And to Kramer:) I told you not to say anything. KRAMER Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit? JERRY Well you'll have to go to the supermarket. KRAMER The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit! JERRY Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now? GEORGE Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have? (George leaves the apartment) (The phone rings, Jerry picks it up) JERRY Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up the phone) JERRY Patty Lawrence had 'em! KRAMER Okay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right? JERRY Yeah. (Jerry makes another call) JERRY Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello? (outside Joe's) JERRY Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? KRAMER All right now here's the list. JERRY All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for? KRAMER I like mangos. JERRY Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado. KRAMER Well they gotta be soft. JERRY How soft? KRAMER Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft. JERRY I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that? KRAMER Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside. JERRY Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside? KRAMER Oh! And get some plantains. JERRY Plantains? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY What the hell is a plantain. KRAMER It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy. JERRY You're not getting any plantains. (Jerry enters Joe's) JERRY Hey Joe. JOE How is it going? JERRY Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. I don't know let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... ooo, just right... and three plantains ought to do it. JOE All right, all right, just hold it right there. JERRY What? JOE This fruit isn't for you. JERRY What, what are you talking about? JOE You think I don't know? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer! JERRY I can't buy mangos and plantains? JOE All right, get out! JERRY You're making a big mistake, Joe! JOE I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either. JERRY You're saying you're banning me from the store? JOE That's exactly what I'm saying. JERRY I'm banned?! JOE You're banned. (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE All right, where do you want it? JERRY Put it over there. KRAMER Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you did good George. (Kramer leaves the apartment) GEORGE All right I gotta get going. JERRY What are you doing? GEORGE I got a date with Karin. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there. JERRY You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it. GEORGE I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER This mango is delicious! GEORGE That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty. JERRY Sorry, I don't have any cash. KRAMER I only got hundreds. GEORGE All right I knew it. KRAMER Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango. GEORGE I don't want any mango. KRAMER Come on, take some. It's good. (George tries a piece) GEORGE Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit. (George looks a little weird) JERRY What? GEORGE I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion! KRAMER I told you. (George stands still) JERRY What is it? GEORGE I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later. (Elaine enters the apartment) ELAINE Hi George. GEORGE I'm back, baby, I'm back! (George leaves the apartment) KRAMER Want some mango? ELAINE No, thanks. (Kramer leaves the apartment) JERRY Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. What brings you here? ELAINE Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house. JERRY Oh and I've got some things of yours here. ELAINE I know. JERRY Well I'll get them. ELAINE I'm waiting. JERRY All right. You got my fins? ELAINE Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips? JERRY I got your poker chips. You got my goggles? ELAINE They're next to the fins. You got my cards? JERRY They're next to the poker chips. (They switch bags) ELAINE All right and that just about... does it. JERRY I guess. ELAINE Okay, well... see you around. JERRY Yeah, see you. (Elaine opens the door and then closes it again) ELAINE All right, let's go, I give you half an hour. JERRY What? ELAINE Come on! JERRY Are you serious? ELAINE Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. JERRY Sex... to save the friendship. Well, if we have to... (Karin's bedroom) KARIN Oh George, oooh. GEORGE Please, it's not necessary. KARIN What do you mean it's not necessary? GEORGE The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think? KARIN What are you talking about? GEORGE What am I talking about? Come on. You don't think I bought all that? KARIN What, what? GEORGE You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute. KARIN You think I was faking? GEORGE Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it. KARIN I'd like you to leave. GEORGE What? KARIN I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out. GEORGE But why? KARIN Because I said so. GEORGE I can't find my glasses. KARIN Well hurry up. GEORGE I need to look for my glasses. KARIN Get out! Get out!! Get out!!! (Jerry's bedroom) (Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises) JERRY It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. He got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure! ELAINE You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left? (Jerry looks like he's got an idea) THE END |
THE NON FAT YOGURT | THE NON-FAT YOGURT Written by Larry David JERRY I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people." ELAINE Hmm! GEORGE Fantastic! JERRY I told you. How good is this? GEORGE Good. JERRY How good? GEORGE Very good. ELAINE They got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get? JERRY Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it in. ELAINE Let me test-taste that. JERRY Huh? Huh? ELAINE Hmm! Rico! JERRY Suave! And it's non-fat! GEORGE See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good. ELAINE You want to taste mine? GEORGE Oh, you want to taste mine. ELAINE No, I don't. GEORGE Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours. ELAINE All right, let's just forget it. JERRY You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place. GEORGE What do you mean? JERRY He invested in it. GEORGE No kidding? JERRY Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so *beep*ing good. LADY Jerry! JERRY Oh, I'm sorry. ELAINE All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay? GEORGE Oh, god. Look who's here. JERRY Who is it? GEORGE This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd: Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool. JERRY Oh, really? LLOYD Hey, George! GEORGE Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry. LLOYD So, I hear you're living back home now? GEORGE Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment. LLOYD Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? Something wrong with your arm? GEORGE Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves involuntarily. LLOYD Wow, that's a bitch, huh? LLOYD So, how are your parents doing? GEORGE Oh, pretty good. LLOYD This place does some business, huh? GEORGE Yeah, this is my first time here. LLOYD Hey, she's a doll. ELAINE Hi! GEORGE Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd. ELAINE Hi! LLOYD Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you. ELAINE Nice to meet you, too! LLOYD Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, huh, George? GEORGE Yeah! Yeah. ELAINE Boy, he is really cute! GEORGE He's a jerk. JERRY He's gone, George. GEORGE All right. All right. KRAMER So, there were a lot of people there, huh? JERRY Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY They're doing an incredible business. KRAMER Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it. JERRY How did you know? KRAMER Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat. JERRY Yeah? ELAINE Buzz me. JERRY Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes. KRAMER Yeah, but did you tape it? JERRY Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up? KRAMER Yes! JERRY I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here. ELAINE Hey! KRAMER Hey! JERRY What's the matter? ELAINE Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork. JERRY Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that. KRAMER Yow! ELAINE What? KRAMER Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on five, ten pounds. JERRY Kramer! KRAMER I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy. JERRY Me? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY No. ELAINE Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds. JERRY I've gained eight. KRAMER I told you. ELAINE Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds? JERRY How did I gain eight? ELAINE I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different. JERRY Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt. KRAMER No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt. JERRY Well, how else could this have happened? KRAMER Well, maybe it's the Oreos. ELAINE I don't eat Oreos. KRAMER You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? You're ~ practically having sex with them. JERRY What about me? KRAMER You? You're getting old. JERRY Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat. KRAMER Oh, guess again, Tubby! ELAINE Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out. JERRY There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing. ELAINE Gasp! I've got it. KRAMER What? ELAINE I'll call the Food and Drug Administration. KRAMER Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week. JERRY Well, let's start the insanity. KRAMER Giddy-up! Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing? GEORGE No. MOM I like tap dancing. Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes. MOM Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people. GEORGE What's for supper? MOM Somebody's at the door. Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier. MOM Lloyd? LLOYD Hello, Mrs. Costanza. MOM Georgie, Lloyd: Braun is here. Dad Hey! Lloyd! MOM What are you doing here? LLOYD Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello". MOM Georgie. Come here and say hello. Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now. LLOYD That's right. Hey, George. GEORGE Hey, Lloyd. How's it going? LLOYD I ran into George: yesterday in the city. MOM Ow! What's the matter with you? LLOYD So, uh, how's the arm, huh? GEORGE Oh, it's good. It's good. MOM What's the matter with your arm? GEORGE Nothing. LLOYD Oh, his arm moves like this. Dad Your arm moves like this? GEORGE Yeah. Dad I never seen your arm move like this. MOM Me, either. GEORGE Well, it comes and goes. Dad It's like some kind of a spasm. LLOYD Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter. MOM Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him? Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You DISCUSSED GEORGE with the mayor of New York? MOM Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you. GEORGE You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really nothing they can do. Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him? GEORGE All right. All right. I'll go. LLOYD Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis. ELAINE Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there. JERRY And they said they can do it? ELAINE Yeah, it's forty-five bucks. JERRY All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen. ELAINE Hm-hmm. Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied. JERRY What? Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*, *beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*ing cupcake? JERRY Gee, I'm really sorry. Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him? JERRY I'd be happy to. Lady Thank you. JERRY Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it? Lady No *beep*ing way! LLOYD Well, it was very nice seeing you again. MOM Oh, it was good seeing you. LLOYD Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day? GEORGE Oh, uh, just a friend of mine. MOM You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable? LLOYD She is. She is. How about giving me her number? GEORGE Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it. MOM She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine: Benice. LLOYD Oh, great. Thanks a lot! GEORGE Yeah! LLOYD So long. MOM Bye! Oh, that Lloyd: Braun. He is something, isn't he? Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line! JERRY Hello, Newman. Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here! Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh? JERRY It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him. ELAINE I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right? Owner That's right. ELAINE 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat. Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat. Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends. ELAINE Hurry, Jerry! Hurry! JERRY How's it doing? ELAINE Not too good. KRAMER Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting. JERRY So what. KRAMER It changes the molecules. JERRY Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. KRAMER Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology. JERRY You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back. ELAINE Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested. Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please? ELAINE Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted? Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days. ELAINE That's okay. KRAMER Hello, there. LABBETTE Hello! KRAMER Ooh! Test tubes. Cool! JERRY What do you got there? Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it. JERRY Oh. ELAINE Okay, I'm done. LABBETTE It was really nice meeting you. KRAMER Well, the pleasure's all mine. JERRY You can't take that chemist out. KRAMER Why not? JERRY Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered. KRAMER I'm not taking her out just to influence the results. JERRY Well, I think the whole thing stinks. ELAINE It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad. JERRY That's enough. ELAINE What? JERRY Well, with the smells. GEORGE So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me. JERRY Uh-huh. GEORGE And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying. JERRY Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient. GEORGE I don't care. Look, Lloyd: doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie. ELAINE Hey! G&J Hey. ELAINE So, guess who called me. GEORGE Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd? ELAINE We're going out tomorrow night. GEORGE Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since. ELAINE I can't say that. GEORGE Why not? ELAINE What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy? GEORGE So, you're taking his side? ELAINE No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us. GEORGE Already you're marrying this guy? ELAINE You never know. GEORGE All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him. ELAINE All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up. JERRY No, I believe he can. Lady Hi! JERRY Hi! Lady You know Jerry. Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er. Lady See! JERRY Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do. Son You did it. JERRY That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. Excuse me one second. ELAINE You know, Lloyd: advises Dinkins on everything he does. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. Big advisor. ELAINE He tells him which soap to use. JERRY What the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*. LABBETTE Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard. KRAMER Where's the lights. Whoa! LABBETTE How about this? KRAMER Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino. LABBETTE It's delicious. KRAMER I hear you. LABBETTE Non-fat? KRAMER Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet? LABBETTE No. KRAMER Well, this is in case there's a tie! ELAINE Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh? LLOYD Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire. ELAINE Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier. LLOYD Name tags, hmm? ELAINE Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town. LLOYD Maybe I'll mention that to him. ELAINE Really? Wow! LLOYD You sure you don't want any yogurt? ELAINE No, I'm watching my weight. LLOYD Well, it's nonfat. ELAINE Yeah, so they say. LLOYD Well, should we go? ELAINE Yeah. Okay. ELAINE Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat. JERRY He said that? ELAINE No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!" KRAMER Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt? JERRY No, but I expect to hear anytime. KRAMER Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. JERRY Why do you say that? KRAMER No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins? ELAINE No. What about him? KRAMER You didn't hear? ELAINE Un-huh. KRAMER He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags. JERRY Name tags? KRAMER Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. JERRY Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!" KRAMER He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags! JERRY Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat! KRAMER Yeow! GEORGE The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh! DOCTOR Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you. GEORGE Please, doctor. DOCTOR I've examined you. GEORGE Yes. DOCTOR I've looked at your X-rays. GEORGE Uh-huh. DOCTOR And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. GEORGE Hmm. Really? Nothing? DOCTOR Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms. GEORGE Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it? DOCTOR No, not really. GEORGE How so? DOCTOR May I suggest the possibility that you're faking? GEORGE Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that? DOCTOR I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye. GEORGE Now, see here, doctor. DOCTOR I said, good-bye. GEORGE Fine. Ow! ELAINE Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store. JERRY Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up. KRAMER Okay. NEWS Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement. GIULIANI It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat. JERRY Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it. ELAINE Now look what you've done. JERRY Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters. GEORGE Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that. Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away. GEORGE I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . . MOM Be quiet. They're starting the press conference. Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt. JERRY The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible. GEORGE Phew! ELAINE Oh, it stinks. KRAMER Mine, too. I got one more day. JERRY I can't eat this. Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. JERRY It had fat in it, it's not good for you. Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it. ELAINE Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office. JERRY So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election. ELAINE I wonder what actually happened in that lab. KRAMER Yeah, me, too. Newman I can't eat this. BOY Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*! THE END |
THE RAINCOATS PART 2 | THE RAINCOATS PART 2 Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. KRAMER How serendipitous. MORTY So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. KRAMER Mmm JERRY He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. KRAMER Did you call Jack Klompus yet? MORTY I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. JERRY Ah come on. MORTY Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone) HELEN Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? JERRY No I haven't seen it yet. HELEN Oh you have to go you have to JERRY I'm going HELEN You have to JERRY Ok MORTY (on the phone) Hello Jack. (Jack in Florida) JACK Ya MORTY It's Morty JACK Who died? MORTY Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. JACK What boxes? MORTY I'm gonna explain what boxes. JACK Alright how the hell do I know? MORTY Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me. JACK I thought you're going to Paris MORTY I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here. JACK What's in the boxes? MORTY Raincoats. JACK Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. HELEN I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes. JACK When do you want these? MORTY Send them tomorrow. (Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in) ESTELLE You think they're coming tonight? GEORGE I dunno they said maybe. FRANK Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. ESTELLE Well they better come, I got all this Paella. FRANK I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise. GEORGE Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you. ESTELLE Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night? GEORGE I-I wasn't in the attic. ESTELLE I heard noise. GEORGE Maybe it was a mouse. FRANK (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! GEORGE What? FRANK I will not tolerate infestation. GEORGE You haven't even seen one. FRANK Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again. ESTELLE All right Frank that's enough. (Frank sits back down) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) (Rudy is checking out the clothes) GEORGE I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing) RUDY Uh huh. GEORGE They will get a good home won't they? RUDY Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular. GEORGE Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. RUDY I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. GEORGE Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling. RUDY Yea I'm in a good mood here. GEORGE Thank you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, George what are you doing here? GEORGE Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted. KRAMER Oh, I gotcha (clicks) GEORGE (leaving) That'll do. KRAMER Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats. GEORGE Hey that's swell. KRAMER Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night. GEORGE Dinner? (grabs Kramer) KRAMER Ya. GEORGE You had dinner with the Seinfelds? KRAMER Yea, last night. GEORGE Was this something you had planned for a while? KRAMER No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. GEORGE (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! KRAMER Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy) RUDY Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. KRAMER Oh I'll take these. RUDY All right KRAMER Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me? RUDY Sure that's the Executive. KRAMER Ya, you have any others? RUDY I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. KRAMER Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? RUDY Very interested KRAMER Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak. RUDY Well bring 'em in. KRAMER So you'll buy them? RUDY I don't see what would possibly stop me. (Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends) (Jerry's Apartment) (George enters) GEORGE Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans! JERRY What are you talking about? GEORGE Mom and Pop Seinfeld JERRY Look I don't know. GEORGE All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer. JERRY Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. GEORGE So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? JERRY That's right. GEORGE Is there something wrong with my parents? JERRY Absolutely GEORGE Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people. JERRY These the people you currently live with? GEORGE Yes. JERRY Uh huh GEORGE So are they coming tonight or not? JERRY Look I really don't know what they're plans are. GEORGE Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. JERRY What is that anyway? GEORGE It's a Spanish dish. It's a m�lange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty. JERRY I-I'll tell 'em GEORGE Hey could you do one other thing for me? JERRY Name it. GEORGE You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps) JERRY So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris? GEORGE (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards. (Elaine's Office) (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door) JOANNE So where's he taking you? ELAINE Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places. JOANNE You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron. AARON (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey ELAINE (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi (Elaine and Aaron kiss) (Enter Helen) HELEN Hello, Hello. (Enter Morty) MORTY Hello Elaine (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock) AARON I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. ELAINE Oh, Great. MORTY (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage? HELEN You don't mind to you Elaine? ELAINE Mind? Oh o-of course not. AARON We can make a whole day of it. MORTY This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? ELAINE (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld (Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matin�e where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust) (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly" (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch) JERRY (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second. RACHEL When are they leaving? JERRY In two days. RACHEL It's been soo long. JERRY I know. RACHEL Ok, it's only two more days. (They both run their hands through their hair) JERRY Right, Thursday three o'clock. MORTY (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have HELEN Ooh. JERRY Oh Hi. HELEN We didn't know you had company. JERRY (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel. RACHEL Hi. HELEN & MORTY Hello Rachel. HELEN Uh we'll come back another time. JERRY What other time? HELEN Whenever JERRY Where you goin'? MORTY Uh we'll drive around for a while. JERRY You don't have a car. MORTY We'll take a bus. JERRY Come on stop. HELEN No we don't mind MORTY I'll get a book. RACHEL No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway. HELEN O-oh are you sure? RACHEL Yea. HELEN Cuz we don't wann.. JERRY (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right? RACHEL Definitely JERRY Ok.Uh RACHEL (going out the door) It's night meeting you. HELEN Nice meeting you. JERRY Ok, see you later. MORTY Boy that was some show. JERRY What show? MORTY "My Fair Lady" JERRY When did you get tickets to see that? HELEN Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came. JERRY Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting. MORTY We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. JERRY Oh. HELEN He looks better on TV. JERRY Oh (Phone rings) JERRY (answering phone) Hello? (Jack Klompus in Florida) JACK Hello Jerry, JERRY Yea. JACK It's Jack Klompus. JERRY Oh hi Jack. JACK So when are you coming down to Florida again? JERRY As soon as is humanly possible. JACK You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down. JERRY Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it. JACK So uh where's your father? JERRY Ya he's right here. (Jerry hands Morty the phone) MORTY Yea JACK Morty, listen I can't get into the garage. MORTY What do you mean? JACK There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work MORTY You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes. (Doris enters the scene with Jack) DORIS Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes. MORTY You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. JACK Get the hell outta here with your knob. DORIS What does he want from you? MORTY My idiot son could open that garage door. JERRY What did I do? MORTY Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. (Jack is seen hanging up his phone) MORTY They'll be here first thing Thursday morning. HELEN Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock. JERRY (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock. HELEN How are you gonna get all this done in time? MORTY Don't worry about it. JERRY (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time? (Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen) GEORGE They were drinking champagne in a buggy! FRANK First Kramer, then Elaine? GEORGE Yea FRANK It's a slap in the face. ESTELLE (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! FRANK What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room) ESTELLE The hell with them. GEORGE (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying. (George and Estelle move their way into the living room) FRANK Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair) GEORGE (sitting down) Vacation? FRANK You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise. (Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch) GEORGE (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle) FRANK But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic. GEORGE The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years. FRANK How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door) GEORGE (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. FRANK (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes. (Ally outside Rudy's) (Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes) RUDY Lousy moth ridden crap. (Median Monologue) I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus. Schindler's List) (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display) (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out) JERRY Hey. MORTY Hey, Jerry. HELEN So how was the movie? JERRY Oh, really good, really good. HELEN And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) JERRY Like that (snaps his fingers) MORTY What about the end, with the list? JERRY Ya that was some list. HELEN What did you think about the black and white? JERRY (confused) The black and white. MORTY The whole movie was in black and white. JERRY Oh yea, I didn't even realize. MORTY You don't even think about it, there's so much going on. JERRY Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again. (Rudy's Antique Boutique) KRAMER So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle RUDY Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in. KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. (George enters) KRAMER Hey what again? GEORGE I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella. KRAMER Payaya, ya I'll be there. GEORGE Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner. KRAMER No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. GEORGE Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. KRAMER Yap I know. GEORGE You're doing all the leg work. KRAMER That's right GEORGE He's ripping you off KRAMER You're right he's ripping me off GEORGE If anybody should be getting more it's you. KRAMER He's ripping me off GEORGE Well don't let him take advantage of you like that. KRAMER YAH! (exits) RUDY (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap. (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty coming out of the bathroom) MORTY You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? HELEN Well he told you about the place. MORTY So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? HELEN You find something you get a fee. MORTY Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. HELEN Well it's too late now. MORTY Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off. HELEN Well you're not gonna say anything. (Kramer enters) KRAMER I've been thinking about something. MORTY Ya so have I KRAMER Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair. MORTY You don't think it's fair. KRAMER No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work. MORTY What leg work? KRAMER Oh, there's leg work. MORTY If anything you're getting too much. KRAMER Too much?! MORTY That's right, they're my coats. KRAMER Look I want thirty-five percent. MORTY I'm thinking more like fifteen. KRAMER No way I'm taking fifteen. MORTY Well you're not getting thirty-five. KRAMER Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. MORTY Ok it's a deal (They shack hands.) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) RUDY Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. GEORGE I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes. RUDY (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill. GEORGE So uh where are the clothes? RUDY I burned 'em. GEORGE Oh. That's good. (Monk's) (Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth) ELAINE N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal? JERRY It is a tad askew. ELAINE I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it? JERRY I've hardly been out to dinner with them. ELAINE See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice. JERRY You're right he's insane. ELAINE Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. JERRY So what are you going to do? ELAINE I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie? JERRY Uh from what I saw it was pretty good. ELAINE Ya what do you mean from what you saw? JERRY Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. ELAINE Yea why not? JERRY I was kind of um (pauses) making out. ELAINE (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List? JERRY I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me. ELAINE During Schindler's List? JERRY (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. ELAINE Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything? JERRY No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me. ELAINE Oh. (Jerry's Apartment) (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman) NEWMAN Hello Mrs. Seinfeld HELEN (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him) NEWMAN Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket) HELEN Wonderful, we went to the theater last night. NEWMAN Oh the theater. Because I was wondering. HELEN Wondering what? NEWMAN Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. HELEN Well we already saw it. NEWMAN Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. MORTY (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? NEWMAN Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean. HELEN I'm afraid I don't. NEWMAN Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony. MORTY What? NEWMAN What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland. HELEN Jerry was necking during Schindler's List? NEWMAN Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. HELEN Jerry sends his laundry out. NEWMAN (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing) (Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust) (Jerry's Apartment-Later that day) (Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom) JERRY Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do? HELEN How could you? JERRY How could I what? HELEN You were making out during Schindler's List? JERRY What? No. MORTY Don't lie Jerry. JERRY (turns) Newman. HELEN How could you do such a thing? JERRY I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over. (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings) JERRY (answering the phone) Hello. (Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand) JACK Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus. JERRY Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. MORTY Hello JACK Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good. MORTY You didn't get in? JACK Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. MORTY You broke the window? HELEN He broke the window? JACK You wanted those damn boxes didn't you? DORIS (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you. MORTY Did you send them? JACK Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock. MORTY Tomorrow afternoon? HELEN Tomorrow afternoon? JERRY Tomorrow afternoon? MORTY I told you to send them express. JACK W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference. MORTY So what did you do about the window? JACK I gotta fix your window now? MORTY All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight. JERRY W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? HELEN We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. MORTY Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room) HELEN Some place else? What about Paris? MORTY You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now. HELEN I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats. MORTY You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back. HELEN I think you're out of your mind. (Costanza House) FRANK I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear. GEORGE Moths? FRANK Moths, ate three boxes? GEORGE Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere. ESTELLE You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. (Estelle goes to answer the door) KRAMER (from outside) Hello? ESTELLE Hello KRAMER (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) ESTELLE Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen) KRAMER Ooo Paella GEORGE Hey uh let me take you're coat. KRAMER (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. FRANK That shirt, where'd you get that shirt? KRAMER Wha? FRANK That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back KRAMER (trying to get away) woah GEORGE Dad?! KRAMER (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. GEORGE Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes. FRANK Who's Rudy? What clothes? GEORGE I sold your clothes yesterday. FRANK You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? GEORGE I didn't think you wore them anymore. FRANK It's cruise wear! ESTELLE Kramer, I love that shirt. KRAMER Yaya FRANK THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!! ESTELLE You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon. KRAMER Oh, well, thank you. (Estelle giggles) FRANK Who's this Rudy? KRAMER Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. FRANK Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum. KRAMER Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. GEORGE Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? KRAMER Yea. GEORGE What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? KRAMER Well I suppose they are wasted. GEORGE Yes I suppose they are. FRANK Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. KRAMER A mouse! (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door) (Monk's) (Jerry and George enter) JERRY You want the tickets? GEORGE Yes. JERRY You're gonna take this kid to Paris? GEORGE Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards. JERRY You know I'm paying for these tickets. GEORGE It's alright, I got lunch. (Airport) (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) KRAMER Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella? MORTY Not really. KRAMER Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm JERRY Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel? MORTY This is it. KRAMER So how much are we gonna make? MORTY Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations. KRAMER Wha two thousand? Three thousand? MORTY That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item. KRAMER More? More than three thousand? MORTY Just watch me do my thing. JERRY Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? MORTY Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. WOMAN Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. JERRY (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group? (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) GEORGE Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night. JOEY Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris. (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.) (Rudy's Antique Boutique) FRANK You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn. RUDY Who are you anyways? FRANK I'm the father. RUDY He said his father was dead. FRANK He said I was dead? RUDY That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me. FRANK That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars. (Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats) KRAMER Hey, Frank! FRANK Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. MORTY Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. FRANK I'm retracting that it was ever offered. MORTY I retract your retraction. FRANK Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? MORTY Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here. RUDY You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested. KRAMER I thought we had a deal? FRANK That's another one of my shirts!! RUDY I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street. MORTY Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years. RUDY Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff? FRANK My clothes don't have moths! MORTY Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats? RUDY That's right. KRAMER (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it) (Airport) (Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) ANNOUNCEMENT Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. MORTY Ok, let's go. HELEN (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. AARON Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? ELAINE & JERRY NO. MORTY Ah, good-bye. (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss) ELAINE Good-bye JERRY Take care MORTY Alright Jer. (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss) ELAINE Nice to see.. MORTY Buh bye Elaine JERRY Buh bye. HELEN Buh bye. (Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug) HELEN (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home. AARON Thank you. JERRY I think she meant me, but. MORTY Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. JERRY Ok. (Morty and Helen go to board the plane) ELAINE Bye. JERRY Bye. (Aaron begins to follow them) ELAINE Aaron? Aaron are you ok? AARON I could've done more. I could've done so much more. ELAINE You did enough. AARON (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out. JERRY You tried Aaron, it was too expensive. AARON (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent) ELAINE Why? AARON (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please! (Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny) (Rachel's Parents' Place) (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers) JERRY Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? MR. GOLDSTEIN I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter. JERRY Why what did I do? MR. GOLDSTEIN (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door) JERRY Rachel! MR. GOLDSTEIN (closing the door on Jerry) Good night! JERRY Rachel! (Monk's) (Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth) JERRY So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything. ELAINE Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? JERRY The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. ELAINE Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. JERRY Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them. ELAINE (sighs) So how about that Aaron? JERRY Whew ELAINE You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked? JERRY No I hadn't noticed. (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) NEWMAN (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please. JERRY (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman. NEWMAN (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry. JERRY Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night. NEWMAN Ohh, were you there? JERRY Yes I was. NEWMAN (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. JERRY Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? NEWMAN (couple quick breaths) Shocking. JERRY Yes, well that was nothing. (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up) NEWMAN (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry! (Jerry chases Newman right out the door) (Paris) (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) GEORGE Where the hell is your father?! (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) (Cruise ship out in the Ocean) (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) ESTELLE This is the best thing we ever did. FRANK I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. ESTELLE Ah forget about them let's just... (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) (Comedy club) Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible. THE END |
THE FIX UP | THE FIX-UP Written by Larry Charles & Elaine Pope (Comedy club) I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, tap-tap-tap, start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, okay, once it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see the cellist looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay, thank you very much." Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant. GEORGE Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it. JERRY Oh, yes you will. GEORGE No, I won't. JERRY Yeah, maybe you won't. GEORGE I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like. JERRY Are my nostrils getting bigger? GEORGE No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm George. How are you?" Is that so terrible? Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers up a meek 'Hi' which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' a few more times as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though we was saying that anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch than read.) Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another restaurant. CYNTHIA There's just no men out there, you know? ELAINE I know. CYNTHIA I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ELAINE I hate the good ones. CYNTHIA Is Jerry one of the good ones? ELAINE That's a good question, I think he thinks he is. CYNTHIA Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right." ELAINE You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre. CYNTHIA No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate. Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily. GEORGE I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one. JERRY Oh, so there's still hope. GEORGE I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive. JERRY Oh, so hopelessness is the key. GEORGE It's my only hope. Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia. CYNTHIA See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that. ELAINE Well, at least you're not bitter. CYNTHIA Who says I'm not bitter? ELAINE Aren't you too young to be bitter? CYNTHIA No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone. ELAINE Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me. CYNTHIA Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up. Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment. JERRY Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints. ELAINE So what'd you do last night? JERRY Went out with George, you? ELAINE Went out with Cynthia. JERRY How was it? What'd you talk about? ELAINE Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you? JERRY We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody. ELAINE I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up. JERRY George too. They look at each other for a moment. JERRY AND ELAINE Yeah, right. JERRY I've never fixed anybody up. ELAINE Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George. JERRY Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George? ELAINE I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'? JERRY Well you implied it. ELAINE I didn't say it. JERRY Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she? ELAINE Who is he? JERRY He's George! ELAINE She's Cynthia! JERRY So what? ELAINE What, you don't think she's beautiful? JERRY I don't know, what's with the eyebrows? ELAINE You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. JERRY I went out with you. ELAINE That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that. JERRY Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook. ELAINE He can really do that? JERRY Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along. ELAINE What, are you into this? JERRY Yeah, come on, it's a good match. ELAINE No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information? JERRY Naturally. ELAINE Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret? JERRY Everything. ELAINE What if it worked out? JERRY Yeah right. Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment. GEORGE Out of the question. Out of the question! JERRY Why? GEORGE No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like? JERRY She's good looking. GEORGE How good looking? JERRY Very good looking. GEORGE Really good looking? JERRY Really very good looking. GEORGE Would you take her out? JERRY Yes, I would take her out. GEORGE Oh, you hesitated. JERRY What hesitate? I didn't hesitate! GEORGE No, something's off here, you hesitated. JERRY I'm telling you, she's good looking. GEORGE What about the body, what kind of body? JERRY Good body, nice body. GEORGE How nice? JERRY Nice. GEORGE Just nice? JERRY Pretty nice. GEORGE Really good? JERRY Really very nice and good. GEORGE What about personality? JERRY Good personality. Funny. Bright. GEORGE Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me. JERRY How could she be smarter than you? GEORGE Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do? Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion. CYNTHIA First of all, what does he do? ELAINE He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now- CYNTHIA He's not working?! How come he's not working? ELAINE Well, um, he, he got fired. CYNTHIA Why did he get fired? ELAINE Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss. CYNTHIA Excuse me? ELAINE Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work. CYNTHIA Is he nuts? ELAINE No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy. CYNTHIA What does he look like? ELAINE Pardon? CYNTHIA What does he look like? ELAINE Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky. CYNTHIA Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? ELAINE Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair. CYNTHIA He's bald? ELAINE No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding. CYNTHIA So he will be bald. ELAINE Yup. Cut back to Jerry and George. GEORGE What kind of hair? JERRY You know, long dark hair. GEORGE Flowing? JERRY Flowing? GEORGE Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me. JERRY 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. JERRY Just clarifying. GEORGE Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out? JERRY Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out? GEORGE I'd like to be able to get it out. JERRY I think you'll get it out. GEORGE What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek. JERRY She's got a fine cheek. GEORGE Is there a pinkish hue? JERRY A pinkish hue? GEORGE Yes, a rosy glow. JERRY There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows. GEORGE Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that. JERRY I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up. Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia. CYNTHIA Has he ever been married? ELAINE No. CYNTHIA Has he been close? ELAINE He once spent a weekend with a woman. CYNTHIA He didn't really try to poison his boss? ELAINE Yeah, he did. The next day, George is back at Jerry's. GEORGE We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber? JERRY I think it's tamber. GEORGE Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice? JERRY I didn't notice the voice. GEORGE It's mellifluous! JERRY So, Saturday night. GEORGE She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hi. GEORGE Hey! Saturday night! ELAINE I know! GEORGE So, what did she say? ELAINE She said you're getting together Saturday night! GEORGE That's it? ELAINE Yeah! GEORGE She didn't mention anything about the conversation? ELAINE No. GEORGE Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it? ELAINE What? JERRY She could have mentioned the conversation. GEORGE Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER You know my friend, Bob Sacamano? JERRY Oh, the guy from Jersey? KRAMER Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross. GEORGE What are you gonna do with all of them? KRAMER Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em. JERRY No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box. KRAMER Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag. ELAINE Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap. GEORGE I'll take one. It's possible. Mid-episode monologue. The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) he puts them in the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" (nods) "Have a nice day." "You too." Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's date to end. JERRY So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do? ELAINE I think they went out to dinner. JERRY Wait, I got another call. That must be him. (clicks over) Hello? GEORGE Yeah, it's me, I just got home. JERRY Oh, hold on. (clicks back) It's George, he just got home. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line. JERRY Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done. ELAINE Remember our pact. Full disclosure. JERRY Of course. (clicks back to George) Yeah, go ahead. GEORGE Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine. JERRY You can tell me, I'll vault it. GEORGE It's in the vault? JERRY I'm locking the vault. What? GEORGE We had sex. JERRY Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen? GEORGE I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move. JERRY At your apartment? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY She didn't stay over? GEORGE No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal. Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia. ELAINE Oh my god. CYNTHIA He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious. ELAINE So? How was it? CYNTHIA How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate. ELAINE Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry. CYNTHIA Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this. ELAINE Yeah, ok. (clicks over) Hello? JERRY So, what did she have to say? ELAINE What did he have to say? JERRY He said they had a good time. ELAINE Her too. JERRY Oh, good. ELAINE Anything else? JERRY Nope. You? ELAINE Nope. JERRY You sure? ELAINE Yup. You? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control. JERRY Yeah. Okay then. ELAINE Alright. Goodnight. JERRY Goodnight. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment. GEORGE I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated. JERRY Well, I'm gonna do something about this. GEORGE What are you gonna do? JERRY Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this. GEORGE I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people. JERRY I'm gonna call her. GEORGE No, don't call her. JERRY No, I'm calling her. GEORGE No, Jerry, don't call. JERRY No, forget it, I'm gonna call. GEORGE I don't want you to call. JERRY Get away from me, I'm gonna call her. GEORGE Give me the phone! JERRY George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight? GEORGE Jerry, I'm gonna kill you! Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight. KRAMER Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it! JERRY I'll just call her when you leave! GEORGE You can't do that, it's none of your business! JERRY It is so my business! KRAMER Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you! GEORGE But tell him to give me the-- KRAMER Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it? GEORGE No. JERRY Yeah, but-- KRAMER Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that. JERRY But Kramer-- KRAMER Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go. Jerry and George shake hands. KRAMER Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them. GEORGE What? KRAMER Right. GEORGE Defective?! KRAMER Defective. GEORGE How could you give me a defective condom?! KRAMER I didn't even know they were defective. Jerry gets between them to break up the fight. KRAMER Didn't even thin you were gonna use them. GEORGE What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?! JERRY Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already! Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia. CYNTHIA I missed my period. ELAINE Oh my god. CYNTHIA I am very worried, I am never late. ELAINE But he used a condom, right? CYNTHIA I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. ELAINE Oh no. CYNTHIA What? ELAINE Was it blue? CYNTHIA Yeah. How'd you know? ELAINE Just a hunch. Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda. JERRY Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off! Elaine walks in and give him a funny look. JERRY Oh, hi. Soda? ELAINE No thanks. JERRY So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? ELAINE Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. JERRY Oh, I know her. I know her type. ELAINE Her type? What type? JERRY The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you! ELAINE You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea! JERRY I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend. ELAINE She's not bitter! JERRY Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted! ELAINE Twisted? God, I did you a favor. JERRY I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me? ELAINE Are you calling me a liar? JERRY I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar? ELAINE Are you? JERRY Get your finger out of my face. ELAINE You get yours out, I was here first! JERRY I don't care. ELAINE Get it out! Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap fight, and gets in the middle. KRAMER Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work. ELAINE I knew those condoms were defective! JERRY How did you know they were defective?! George walks in. ELAINE Because! Because she missed her period! GEORGE She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! George rushes out, hysterical. Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant. CYNTHIA So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless. ELAINE Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. CYNTHIA I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." And so, I asked him to come in, he came in-- George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping. ELAINE Hi! GEORGE Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic. ELAINE What happened? JERRY Acting. ELAINE Very mature. JERRY Thank you. Hi Cynthia. CYNTHIA Hi. JERRY Well this is a great place to sit you got here. CYNTHIA Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the kitchen. GEORGE Stop it, stop it. JERRY So what are these? ELAINE Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating. George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. You get the idea that the relationship has just ended. GEORGE This is good. Oh, this is good. (Comedy club) Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now, you're playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake, I think that's over though." THE END |
THE STRANDED | THE STRANDED Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman (Comedy club) So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?" First scene. Jerry and George are in a drug store. JERRY How did you get fleas? GEORGE Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet. JERRY Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar. GEORGE That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party? JERRY I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?" GEORGE You know Ava's gonna be there. JERRY Who? GEORGE The nice one that works in my office. JERRY Nah. GEORGE I'll drive. JERRY Oh, well, now you're talking. GEORGE It's supposed to be a good party. JERRY What does that mean, good dip? GEORGE No, there'll be girls there. JERRY There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what? GEORGE There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got propylparabin? JERRY Got it. GEORGE You got isobutane-30? JERRY I got isobutane-20. GEORGE A-ha. JERRY You got sorbitant sesquioliate? GEORGE Got it. JERRY I have aloe! GEORGE You got aloe? I love aloe. JERRY Where do they make yours? GEORGE Jersey. JERRY White Plains. George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing at the magazine rack in the background. JERRY Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there. What's the matter? GEORGE I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten. JERRY Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go. GEORGE Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten. CASHIER You gave me a ten. GEORGE I'm positive I gave you a twenty. CASHIER I know what you gave me. GEORGE You owe me ten dollars. CASHIER Will you please step aside? Next? GEORGE Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you-- CASHIER You. GEORGE No, no, no, see you're not really listening. SECURITY GUARD What's the problem here? GEORGE No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all. CASHIER He's claiming short. SECURITY GUARD Alright, let's just take it outside. GEORGE Oh, so you don't believe me either? SECURITY GUARD Come on, let's go. GEORGE You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back. New scene. George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door . ELAINE Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in. JERRY No, let's survey first. Camp here. GEORGE Eva. A beautiful woman starts walking over. JERRY What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room. AVA So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st. GEORGE Oh no you didn't. Get out, when? AVA Yesterday GEORGE I don't believe it. AVA Ask Mark. GEORGE Mark, is this true? A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him. JERRY Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it. ELAINE How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind. JERRY Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it. ELAINE How old are you? JERRY Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting. ELAINE Whatever you want. Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger. GUY You came all the way out from Manhattan for this? JERRY Yeah, yeah I did. GUY So what do you do? JERRY I'm a comedian. GUY Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material? JERRY I hear a voice. GUY What kind of voice? JERRY A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator. GUY How come you keep tapping your head. JERRY It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa. Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting her head. GUY On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something. Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'. GUY Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy. Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly. GUY I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. ELAINE Yeah, me too. GUY Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume. Cut to George, now talking with Jerry. GEORGE How's it going? JERRY Great, how about you? GEORGE I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it. JERRY How do you account for this? GEORGE I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head. JERRY Well, she obviously liked you all along. GEORGE No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him." JERRY Anyway, I'm ready to go. GEORGE Now? JERRY If not now, when? GEORGE Gimme a half-hour. JERRY Okay, half-hour. Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from tapping. GUY Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil... JERRY Can I talk to you for a second? ELAINE Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient. JERRY Hey, I was dying over there. ELAINE This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention. Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry. ELLEN Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of every day things, right? JERRY Right. ELLEN Yeah, I remember you. Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman. WOMAN I wonder what happened to my fianc�. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fianc�? ELLEN He's upstairs. WOMAN Are you going upstairs? Tell my fianc� I'm looking for him. I have lost my fianc�, the poor baby. ELAINE Maybe the dingo ate your baby. WOMAN What? ELAINE The dingo ate your baby! Cut to George and Jerry. JERRY You ready? GEORGE Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask. JERRY I do favors. GEORGE I think something's happening here. JERRY What? GEORGE I think she wants me to take her home. JERRY Wow. GEORGE What should I do? JERRY Go! What could you do? GEORGE What about you and Elaine? JERRY We'll get a ride. GEORGE Are you sure? JERRY We'll be fine, what did she say? GEORGE She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her. JERRY What? She said that? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Get out of here. GEORGE I swear. JERRY What did you say? GEORGE I, I, I can't. JERRY What did you say? GEORGE Please, it's-- JERRY What? GEORGE I... I... I long for you. JERRY I long for you? GEORGE I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything. JERRY It's okay, that's not bad. GEORGE I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her. JERRY Really? GEORGE That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver? JERRY Oh, come on. GEORGE I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this. JERRY George, you're thinking too much. GEORGE I know, I know, I can't stop it! Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch. ELAINE Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. JERRY Pendant? Those bastards. ELAINE Excuse me. JERRY Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office ELAINE Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now? JERRY Uh, no, he's taking the car. ELAINE Well, what are we gonna do for a ride? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE You don't know? JERRY Maybe Kramer can come pick us up. ELAINE Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car? JERRY There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code. Mid-episode monologue All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?" ELAINE Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing? JERRY Yeah, yeah, alright. ELAINE I can't believe she's walking around in that. JERRY Just don't make a scene. ELAINE Hey, is that real fur? JERRY Oh boy. EVA It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation. GEORGE Yeah, good night. ELAINE You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good? GEORGE Could we talk about this some other time? AVA Are you a vegetarian? JERRY Here we go. ELAINE Yeah, I eat fish occasionally. AVA So you're a hypocrite. GEORGE Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway- AVA Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish. ELAINE Fish don't feel any pain. AVA How do you know? Do you communicate with fish? ELAINE Well, they're not kept in little cages. AVA Ever seen a goldfish? GEORGE Goldfish. ELAINE Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy. AVA Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go. ELAINE Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel! GEORGE That's why we're here in America. JERRY You're beautiful. ELAINE Call Kramer. JERRY Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right? STEVE No, I just live here. JERRY Can I use your phone? STEVE What's in it for me? JERRY A bigger bill? STEVE He he, go for it. Jerry picks up the phone and dials. JERRY Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions. Cut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts, Steve and Jenny, are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there. ELAINE You sure you don't need any help? JENNY No, not really. JERRY I'm sure he'll be here any minute. JENNY I want them out of here. ELAINE Call him again. JERRY I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this. JENNY It's two o'clock in the morning. JERRY Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful. ELAINE Six hundred and twenty million people died. JERRY Thousand. ELAINE Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions? JERRY Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do? JENNY No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in out house, this is ridiculous. JERRY You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them. ELAINE Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason. JENNY You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming. JERRY Oh, he's coming. JENNY Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule. Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams. JERRY That's him. JENNY I'm going to bed! ELAINE Thanks a lot. JERRY Thanks, great party. As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers. KRAMER Hey, how ya doing? STEVE Ah, look who's here. KRAMER I'm sorry. JERRY Hey, it's okay. KRAMER I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window. ELAINE Then how did you find the place? KRAMER Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173. JERRY Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one. STEVE No problem. JERRY And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever. STEVE Hey, I might take you up on that. JERRY Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again. KRAMER You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the convertible up. ELAINE But it's cold out. KRAMER Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway. New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone. JERRY George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye. Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door. JERRY Who is it? VOICE Mr. Pocatello. JERRY Who? VOICE You mean you don't recognize my voice? Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in. STEVE Jerry, baby! JERRY Do I know you? STEVE Boy this comedy's really frying your brain. JERRY I'm sorry, uh- STEVE See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people. JERRY Oh, okay. STEVE You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city. JERRY You certainly are. What's going on? STEVE I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business. JERRY Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend. STEVE Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that. JERRY No, really, I just got off the phone with him. STEVE I understand. JERRY Look, you can hang out here if you want. STEVE Don't be so enthusiastic. JERRY No, it's- STEVE I'm not gonna steal anything. JERRY No, of course not, just close the door when you leave. STEVE I think I can do that. JERRY Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time. STEVE Yeah. Let's have lunch. New scene. Jerry and George are at the drug store. JERRY They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone. GEORGE Yeah, me either. JERRY Oh, come on. GEORGE What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? JERRY I've never had a job. GEORGE You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date. JERRY That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it? GEORGE Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.' JERRY What are you gonna do? GEORGE I have no choice, I'm quitting. Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. Kramer walks in and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor. KRAMER The party, Long Island? STEVE Kramer, right? KRAMER Hey, what are you doing here? STEVE I'm waiting for my ride. KRAMER Where's Jerry? STEVE He split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question? KRAMER Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's disappointment) Well, but I might have something. Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting medication. JERRY Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good. GEORGE How much is that? JERRY Nine sixty. GEORGE Nine sixty? Give it to me. JERRY Why? GEORGE Don't worry, I got it. JERRY What do you mean, you got it? GEORGE I got it. George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket. JERRY Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you? GEORGE I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me. JERRY You're a lunatic. GEORGE I have to do this, it's a matter of honor. JERRY What do you say to a person like you? GEORGE Just walk. JERRY Oh. A security guard approaches George. SECURITY GUARD Scuse me. What do you got there? GEORGE What? SECURITY GUARD What do you got in your shirt? GEORGE Oh, I was gonna pay for this. SECURITY GUARD Come with me. GEORGE Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it. CASHIER um-hmm. SECURITY GUARD You don't think I remember you? GEORGE What are you talking about? SECURITY GUARD I know who you are, I was watching you. GEORGE What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police? The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter. JERRY Can I still buy this or is this evidence now? Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer is in the middle of a story. KRAMER So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown! Well I followed the instructions! They both erupt in raucous laughter. STEVE Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call? KRAMER Not really. STEVE Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. Kramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE. STEVE Hey, you want in on this? KRAMER No, I got a girl in the next building New scene. Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he hears a woman's voice from inside. VOICE Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do. STEVE Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry JERRY What the hell? STEVE Jerry, this is Patti. JERRY Nice to meet you. PATTI It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. JERRY What the hell is going on here? STEVE I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The buzzer goes off) Ooh, there's my ride, finally. PATTI I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money. STEVE See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow. JERRY Oh, Kramer huh? STEVE Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party. Steve walks out, leaving the front door open. PATTI I ain't leaving. JERRY Patti? PATTI You got anything to drink? JERRY Alright, how much does he owe you? PATTI Fifty dollars. JERRY Fifty dollars. In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door. COP This your apartment? JERRY Yeah, but-- COP You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution. JERRY Wait a second, I-- Elaine walks in. ELAINE I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that real fur? JERRY Oh boy. New scene. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating pizza. GEORGE You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too. JERRY He was a nice guy. GEORGE Oh, great guy. JERRY Was there a red-headed guy there? GEORGE The one with the long sideburns? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Where does he come off? JERRY Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude. GEORGE One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him. JERRY Oh, we all hated him. (Comedy club) There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to 'do me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a favor...' (huge pause, followed by closing credits.) THE END |
THE PUERTO RICAN DAY | THE PUERTO RICAN DAY Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind the wheel. GEORGE Man, I'm starving. ELAINE How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game? GEORGE Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food. JERRY Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band. KRAMER You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away. JERRY I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game. ELAINE Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked. GEORGE Those nachos are killing me. ELAINE I thought you were hungry. GEORGE It's complicated. KRAMER Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit. JERRY Keep your shirt on. I got it. ELAINE Watch out for that maroon Golf. KRAMER Oh, boy. JERRY Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out. KRAMER I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh... Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon Golf honks the horn. JERRY Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated. KRAMER You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass. ELAINE Oh, no, I couldn't do that. KRAMER Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger. ELAINE Oh, all right. KRAMER Yeah. Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar. INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY GEORGE So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg. ELAINE Oh, yeah. What's that called? GEORGE Blimp: The Hindenburg Story. JERRY How was it? GEORGE I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes? JERRY Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it. GEORGE Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!" JERRY Heh. GEORGE The place went nuts. JERRY Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster. GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER Why are we slowing down? Music plays in the background. JERRY What is that music? GEORGE What's with all these flags? JERRY Oh, no. ELAINE AND JERRY It's the Puerto Rican Day parade! ELAINE Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home. Kramer stands up on the back seat. KRAMER All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico. STOCK FOOTAGE Puerto Rican Day parade. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a black Saab. KRAMER Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here. There is a Puerto Rican family in the car. PUERTO RICAN MAN Well, it is our day. KRAMER Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry. Kramer hops out. INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. They are listening to the radio. RADIO And the Mets score two in the eighth inning. JERRY See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs. GEORGE I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos. ELAINE I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down. JERRY I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious. KRAMER All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there. JERRY But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there? GEORGE Just inch over. You worm your way. ELAINE Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up. KRAMER You know, you should make yourself throw up. ELAINE Huh? KRAMER You know you're going to. JERRY All right, I'm worming. KRAMER Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera. JERRY They're not letting me in. GEORGE My hand is out. JERRY Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face. ELAINE You sure you want his face? KRAMER No, no, no. It was Mar�a Conchita Alonso. GEORGE This guy's giving me the stare-ahead. JERRY The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time. GEORGE Look at me! I am man! I am you! The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing the words, "Hi, can we go in?" GEORGE All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep. KRAMER Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach. JERRY One more lane to go. GEORGE All right! We're here! Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his maroon Golf cut him off. LAMAR Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab. JERRY Maroon Golf. LAMAR Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew. JERRY Could you move your car back a little? LAMAR Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off. ELAINE All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else. Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the dashboard. She gets out. JERRY You can't do that. You can't just leave the group. ELAINE I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios. KRAMER �Con dios? Well, that's rude. JERRY Can you believe her? GEORGE Yeah. I'll see you later. JERRY Where are you going? GEORGE The movies. Blimp is playing right there. JERRY You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line? GEORGE It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do. JERRY That's not what I do. GEORGE Isn't it? JERRY Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is. George leaves. KRAMER You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while. STOCK FOOTAGE Taxis stuck in traffic. INT. TAXI CAB - DAY Elaine sits in the back. ELAINE Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it? She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window. ELAINE Hey! Fold your dog's ear back! She leans back. ELAINE Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this. CAB DRIVER No, you can't. ELAINE Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here. She pays her fare and gets out. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS She starts to walk. The cab starts to move. ELAINE Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey! The cab stops and she gets back in. INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS CAB DRIVER Where to? ELAINE That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again. She pays and gets out again. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out. ELAINE Hey. Taxi! Taxi! She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster. INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY George sits down next to two attractive women. GEORGE Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before. LADY 1 What is that dot? LADY 2 Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers. A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress. INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles and RC Cola. LASER GUY Gimme a box of those and one of those. GEORGE Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser? LASER GUY The laser's not funny. I'm funny. GEORGE Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try. LASER GUY Uh-huh. GEORGE It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so... INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio. RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom of the ninth. JERRY I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here. LAMAR This traffic's a killer, ain't it? KRAMER You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away. JERRY Walk away? KRAMER You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free. JERRY Isn't there a deductible? KRAMER All right, what is your deductible? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Yes, because they've already deducted it. JERRY From what? KRAMER The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car. JERRY We're not leaving the car! KRAMER All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf. JERRY Absolutely not. He sped up. RADIO Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit. JERRY I'm ready to talk. INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY George and the ladies are sitting in their seats. LADY 1 Hey! There's that laser guy again. LADY 2 He's funny. I never meet anyone funny. LADY 1 I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair. LADY 2 Mmm, yeah. There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the screen and everyone laughs. GEORGE That's gotta hurt! Everyone stops laughing. GEORGE It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh! George stands up. GEORGE Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?! The laser guy points the laser at George's head. LADY 1 Look! It's on the bald guy. LADY 2 I am so glad we came to this showing. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer walks to Jerry. KRAMER Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave. JERRY What's that? KRAMER You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift. JERRY Ok! Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" wave. LAMAR Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it. KRAMER Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now. Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back seat. GEORGE All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here. JERRY What's that on your forehead? GEORGE It's probably chocolate. JERRY Hey, is that one of those laser pointers? KRAMER Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium! GEORGE All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest! JERRY See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave. LAMAR What was that? JERRY I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass! As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine. JERRY Elaine?! ELAINE Jerry?! LAMAR Jackass? So I'm a jackass now? EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is empty. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars. JERRY So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention? PUERTO RICAN MAN Buenos dias, my friend. JERRY Not you! The guy in the Amigo. INT. TAXI CAB - DAY Elaine sits frustrated in the cab. ELAINE Uh, well, uh, here--here is good. TAXI DRIVER Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college! ELAINE Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship. She pays the driver and gets out. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Elaine walks up to Jerry. ELAINE Boy, eh, can you believe this mess? JERRY Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out! LAMAR So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good. ELAINE I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore. JERRY Elaine, he doesn't need- LAMAR Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass. JERRY 'Cause that's what's gonna happen. Kramer and George walk along eating churros. KRAMER Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy? GEORGE Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants. ELAINE All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya. Elaine leaves. GEORGE This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous. KRAMER You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom. Kramer leaves. JERRY Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes. GEORGE Oh, my god. JERRY Hey, there's the soda guy. LAMAR Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper! JERRY All right! George stands petrified. EXT. BARRICADE - DAY A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd. OLDER MAN Hey, hey, hey! OLDER WOMAN Wha--ow! ELAINE Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere! OLDER MAN Well, none of us can! We're trapped! OLDER WOMAN Ow! ELAINE Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here. Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers. OLDER MAN Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea. ELAINE Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?! OLDER WOMAN Father? PRIEST None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something. PREGNANT WOMAN Oh, all right, all right! People start going under the bleachers. ELAINE All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. BUSINESS MAN But it's dark! ELAINE Get in there! EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads apartment for sale. INT. APARTMENT - DAY There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's Kramer. KRAMER Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment. SALES WOMAN Yes! Come in, come in. KRAMER Ok. SALES WOMAN I'm Christine Nyhart. KRAMER Oh. Delicious to meet you. SALES WOMAN Did the broker send you over? KRAMER Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm? SALES WOMAN The asking price is $1.5 million. KRAMER Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto? SALES WOMAN No. KRAMER How about a bathroom? SALES WOMAN It has 4. KRAMER Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be? SALES WOMAN Just down the hall. KRAMER Oh, thank you. He saunters to the bathroom. INT. BLEACHERS - DAY Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the bleachers landing on them. ELAINE Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon. PREGNANT WOMAN I'm not married. ELAINE Well, I, for one, really respect that. PREGNANT WOMAN Oh, thank you. ELAINE Hey! Guess who's not married. OLDER MAN Is the boyfriend still in the picture? ELAINE Come on, father, you can make it. PRIEST No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me. ELAINE No! I won't! PRIEST Leave me! you must. ELAINE All right. Take it easy. ELAINE All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy. PRIEST I heard that! EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Jerry stands next to his car with a drink. LAMAR You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't. JERRY Ho ho! George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses. JERRY What seems to be the problem, officer? GEORGE They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'? JERRY At me? GEORGE No. JERRY Oh. It's back. GEORGE Bring it on, baby JERRY What if it gets in the side? GEORGE The side? JERRY Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally- George rips off his glasses. GEORGE All right! JERRY Oh. It's in your eye now. George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto Rican flag draped around him. KRAMER Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry! JERRY Kramer, the Mets have got men on base! KRAMER Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game. JERRY You were watchin'? Where? INT. APARTMENT - DAY Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV. JERRY Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?! SALES WOMAN Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um-- JERRY Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room? SALES WOMAN Well, it's-- JERRY Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks? SALES WOMAN Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist. JERRY Not Pennypacker! SALES WOMAN You know him? JERRY I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen! INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view mirror. GEORGE Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter. George exits the car. INT. BLEACHERS - DAY Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers. ELAINE We should be able to get across right through here! She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall. OLDER WOMAN It's a dead end! ELAINE Oh, no! I thought-- BUSINESS MAN You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die! ELAINE Get a hold of yourself! Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab each other and kiss. PREGNANT WOMAN Oh, come on! OLDER WOMAN Oooh! ELAINE Sorry. Somebody...help us! EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard. MAN !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach! ELAINE We're down here! Help! MAN There's people down there! Hold on! They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group. ELAINE Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here. PREGNANT WOMAN Don't judge me! ELAINE Help us up so we can cross the street? POLICE OFFICER Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade. ELAINE But we've come so far. We just want to unwind. POLICE OFFICER Hey, what can I tell ya? They close the floor boards. INT. BLEACHERS - DAY BUSINESS MAN Wanna make out some more? ELAINE Oh, god! Let us out! EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over his hands. GEORGE That wasn't a laser pen. DELIVERY MAN No. It's just a pen. The delivery man laughs. GEORGE Oh, that's funny DELIVERY MAN No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler. KRAMER Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year. He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag. KRAMER Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise. KRAMER See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh? Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire. KRAMER Ooh! !Dios mio! He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it. MAN Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag! BOB Who! Who is burning the flag?! KRAMER Oh, no. BOB Him?! CEDRIC That's not very nice. KRAMER It was an accident. BOB Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is! CEDRIC Because it's Puerto Rican day. BOB Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that? KRAMER Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama! Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase. INT. APARTMENT - DAY The sales woman lets George in. SALES WOMAN Right this way, Mr. Vandelay. GEORGE Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags? SALES WOMAN It's down the hall. George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry. JERRY Oh, hello... GEORGE Art. JERRY Mr. Vandelay, of course. SALES WOMAN You two know each other? Kramer bursts through the door. SALES WOMAN Mr. Pennypacker! KRAMER Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello. SALES WOMAN Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen KRAMER Uh, Varnsen. JERRY Pennypacker. KRAMER Vandelay. GEORGE Pennypacker. Varnsen. JERRY Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory? KRAMER The factory? JERRY The Saab factory? KRAMER Jerry, that's in Sweden. George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time to see a mob attacking his car. JERRY My car! KRAMER Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. GEORGE Jerry, the Mets lost. JERRY I love a parade! EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork. GEORGE How do you suppose they did that? KRAMER Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home? JERRY Well, what about my car? KRAMER Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now. Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn in her hair and her clothing stained. JERRY Hey, there's Elaine. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Well, you look, uh...relaxed. ELAINE Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind. Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf. LAMAR Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around! He drives off. JERRY Well, at least he didn't- LAMAR Jackass! Jerry sets his car alarm. JERRY Somebody remember where we parked. KRAMER This was a fun day. It's nice to get out. The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end. THE END |
THE LIP READER | THE LIP READER Written by Carol Leifer (Comedy club) JERRY Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh." (Commercial) In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting the ball back and forth. JERRY Are these seats unbelievable or what? GEORGE Where's the sunblock? JERRY Here. GEORGE 25? You don't have anything higher? JERRY What, are you on Mercury? GEORGE I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free. JERRY You got a problem with paba? GEORGE Yes, I have a problem with paba. JERRY You don't even know what paba is. GEORGE I know enough to stay away from it. GEORGE So are you going to Todd's party this weekend? JERRY I'll go if someone else drives. You going? GEORGE Gwen really wants to go. JERRY You're bringing a date to a party? GEORGE No good? JERRY A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho. GEORGE Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to? JERRY Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy. GEORGE Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated. JERRY That woman is absolutely stunning. GEORGE The Croat? (the tennis player) JERRY Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen. GEORGE Yeah, she's a B.L. JERRY B.L.? GEORGE Beautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry? At Elaine's office. COWORKER You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out. ELAINE You are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting? COWORKER Take a car service. We have an account. ELAINE Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage. COWORKER Well you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down. ELAINE I guess that could work. At the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae. At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV. ANNOUNCER And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Comming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop. KRAMER Hey, hey, it's George. George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around his mouth. ANNOUNCER Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court. Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more... Elaine in the car service car. DRIVER Dag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss? ELAINE Pardon me? DRIVER Books, that's what you do? ELAINE Yeah. DRIVER Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, but not me. You know what I do? ELAINE You know I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So... DRIVER (Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make a book of Jumbles? ELAINE I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf. DRIVER Going deaf? ELAINE What? DRIVER Oh I'm sorry. ELAINE It can be very frustrating. DRIVER Hey what about a hearing aid? ELAINE An I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life. DRIVER No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased) At the tennis court. JERRY I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. That lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing. GEORGE Boy you are really smitten. JERRY I gotta talk to her. What do you think? GEORGE Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys. JERRY I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals. GEORGE They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side. JERRY I have to. I won't be able to live with myself. GEORGE Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you. JERRY I can't. GEORGE What are you going to say? JERRY I don't know, "Hi". GEORGE You think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it. Elaine in the car service car. RADIO Base to 92 come in DRIVER Yes this is 92 RADIO After this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup DRIVER Righteo RADIO 794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks. ELAINE Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him. DRIVER So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh? ELAINE Yeah. Yes it does... DRIVER Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up. ELAINE No no, no no. DRIVER Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior. At the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman. JERRY Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf? LAURA Bingo. At Jerry's apartment. KRAMER And you're saying she's deaf. JERRY I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf. KRAMER Can't hear a thing. JERRY Can't hear a thing. KRAMER And you're going to go out with her. JERRY Yeah, isn't that something? Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. JERRY AND KRAMER Hey. KRAMER Hey I know how to sign. JERRY Really? KRAMER Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while. ELAINE What is this about? JERRY I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match. ELAINE You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf. JERRY Wow good plan. ELAINE Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. I know it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person. JERRY AND KRAMER No. ELAINE No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people. JERRY That's nice. ELAINE Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, you know, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable. JERRY That's nice for the freaks. ELAINE Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do? JERRY Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket area. KRAMER Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something. Like a rock concert. Whatever you like. ELAINE Oh, thanks Kramer. KRAMER You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that. JERRY Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men. ELAINE Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man. KRAMER Well there ought to be ball men. JERRY All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. ELAINE Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday. KRAMER Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream.) At Monk's. GWEN I'm sorry George. GEORGE I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened. GWEN It's not you, it's me. GEORGE You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me. GWEN All right, George, it's you. GEORGE You're *damn* right it's me. GWEN I was just trying to... GEORGE I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me. GWEN I'm sure you do it very well. GEORGE Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out. George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound right. At Jerry's apartment. JERRY But I thought things were going great. GEORGE Yeah so did I. JERRY Did she say why? GEORGE No. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine. JERRY But that's your routine. GEORGE Yeah. Well aparently word's out. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday. GEORGE Really? At the tennis match? KRAMER Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. GEORGE Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there. KRAMER Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you. GEORGE Cracks? What were they saying? KRAMER That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked. GEORGE Maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it. KRAMER Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight. GEORGE She must have seen me eating it on TV. JERRY So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial? GEORGE Why not. I would be. The phone rings. JERRY Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye. GEORGE You're parents saw me on TV? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on? KRAMER It felt like 8 seconds. GEORGE One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand. Elaine enters. ELAINE I heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it? GEORGE Can we move on? JERRY He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV. ELAINE Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her. GEORGE Yes I do. ELAINE So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday. GEORGE Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there. KRAMER Well she should be the one that shouldn't go. JERRY Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the ettiquite? KRAMER Excellent question. JERRY I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life. ELAINE I beg to differ. JERRY Really. ELAINE He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils. JERRY Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night. ELAINE Well we can take the car service from my office. JERRY Really? ELAINE Yeah, they don't know. KRAMER All right, I'll see you later. JERRY Okay. GEORGE "To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight? JERRY Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman. GEORGE Oh. (he stands there) JERRY Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing? GEORGE Well I was just going to wander the streets. Wouldn't want to tag along with you or anything. JERRY Oh, uh, do you want to come with us? GEORGE Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going? At a Chinese restaurant. GEORGE So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship. LAURA They never have napkins there. JERRY Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check? Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign. LAURA Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up. GEORGE They're breaking up? How do you know? JERRY She reads lips. GEORGE What are they saying now? LAURA "It's not you, it's me." GEORGE (Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me. JERRY (Puts his hand over his mouth) What? GEORGE (Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me. JERRY (Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas. GEORGE (Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off. JERRY (Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this. GEORGE (Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed. JERRY (Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right. JERRY Uh Laura, George was wondering if... LAURA Sure. I'll do it. After the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place. JERRY So I really had a good time. LAURA Yeah, me too. JERRY So you want to go to the party on Friday night? LAURA Yeah. JERRY All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What? (Commercial) At the tennis court. MAN Okay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck. BOY Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years? KRAMER I may be old, but I'm spry. BOY The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it? KRAMER Oh I'll be up for it punk. Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy footwork. At Jerry's apartment. JERRY See I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though. GEORGE She confused "six" with "sex"? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room? JERRY Well "six" and "sex" are close. GEORGE It's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh". JERRY Eh. GEORGE It seems like a problem. JERRY Well I'm not dating any other deaf women. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals. JERRY You're kidding. KRAMER Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto. GEORGE When is that car service comming? JERRY In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there. GEORGE If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend. JERRY I know. It's like X-ray vision. GEORGE If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us. Newman enters. NEWMAN I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day. JERRY Can't do it Newman. NEWMAN But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours. JERRY Not going to happen. NEWMAN (Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information. In the car service car. JERRY Oh just pull over right there by the stop sign. DRIVER Pardon me sir? JERRY I said pull over by the stop sign. DRIVER I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something. KRAMER -ca. DRIVER Huh? GEORGE What? JERRY ca. GEORGE ah. DRIVER My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke. Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets angry. A moment later, the group gets out of the car. DRIVER Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door. Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires. At the party. JERRY You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night. Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch. JERRY I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man. Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his hand. KRAMER She doesn't know what she's talking about. TODD Guys you made it. GEORGE Hey hey. TODD Sorry to hear about Gwen. GEORGE Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me? TODD Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her. Look George, I'm friends with both of you. I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything. GEORGE I wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none of my business. You should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room so there's no chance of me overhearing anything. TODD You are so centered. GEORGE (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying? Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates. KRAMER "Hi Gwen, hi tide." JERRY Hi tide? KRAMER Hi Todd. KRAMER "You've got something between your teeth" GEORGE What? KRAMER No that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I. ELAINE She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon? JERRY No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody. GWEN I don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess. TODD Maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together. KRAMER "Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together." GEORGE What? KRAMER "You want me to sleep with you?" TODD I don't want to sweep alone. KRAMER He says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to." George walks across the room over to them. GEORGE So you're getting rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together? GWEN What? You're crazy. KRAMER "What? You're crazy." GEORGE I heard your whole conversation. GWEN How? KRAMER "How?" GEORGE (looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together. GWEN No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up. KRAMER "... with a broom, cleaning up." GEORGE Sweep? GWEN Yes sweep. KRAMER "Yes sweep." GEORGE Cut it. KRAMER George says "Cut it." GEORGE Cut it. KRAMER George is saying "Cut it." GEORGE Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing? She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together." Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer. KRAMER I know how to sign. Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language. They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face. GEORGE Ow. My eye, my eye. (At the tennis court) ELAINE It's so amazing getting to see Monica Sellas playing in the finals. JERRY I know and on the first tournament of her comeback. Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain. JERRY Thus ends the great ball man experiment. Laura gets into the car service car. DRIVER You with the tennis center? LAURA Yep. DRIVER Hey how about that ball man injuring Monica Sellas. Wasn't that something. Laura. I'm deaf. DRIVER Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.) THE END |
THE DEAL | THE DEAL Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes. JERRY What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one? ELAINE Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula? JERRY He was good in Man From Uncle. ELAINE Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon? JERRY I know, I'm having my root canal the same week. ELAINE Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people. JERRY No, I don't wanna see the naked people. ELAINE Been a while? JERRY I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago. ELAINE I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter. JERRY I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine) ELAINE What? JERRY What? ELAINE What was that look? JERRY What look? ELAINE The look you just gave me. JERRY I gave a look? ELAINE Yes. JERRY What kind of look? ELAINE I know that look. JERRY Then what was it? ELAINE Why should I tell you? JERRY Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are. ELAINE Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So... JERRY What? ELAINE What about the look? JERRY I don't know. ELAINE You got something on your mind? JERRY No. Things pop into your head. You? ELAINE Things occur to me from time to time. JERRY Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely. ELAINE No, of course not. JERRY I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times? ELAINE Thirty-seven. JERRY Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom) ELAINE We know the terrain. JERRY No big surprises. ELAINE Nope. JERRY What do you think? ELAINE I don't know. What do you think? JERRY Well, it's something to consider. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY I mean, let's say we did. ELAINE What if. JERRY Is that like the end of the world or something? ELAINE Certainly not. JERRY Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to? ELAINE I know. JERRY I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated. ELAINE It's almost stupid if we didn't. JERRY It's moronic. ELAINE Absurd! JERRY Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise. ELAINE We, there are always a few. JERRY I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad. ELAINE Devastating. JERRY Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship) ELAINE And that would be good. (Points to bedroom) JERRY That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. ELAINE Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that. JERRY But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something. ELAINE Huh. JERRY For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa. ELAINE Right. JERRY But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call. ELAINE Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that. JERRY Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. ELAINE All right, sir. JERRY Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that. ELAINE Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional! JERRY Well now we're gettin' somewhere. ELAINE What about the kiss goodnight? JERRY Tough one. You're call. ELAINE It's brug-wa (?). JERRY Fine. Well. ELAINE Well. JERRY You ready? ELAINE Ready. JERRY So think you can handle this? ELAINE Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Got the paper? JERRY Not yet. KRAMER No paper? JERRY I haven't been out yet. KRAMER Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits) GEORGE What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water? JERRY No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'? GEORGE Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you? JERRY Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night. GEORGE Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major. JERRY I thought you'd like that. GEORGE Oh, this is huge! JERRY I know. GEORGE All right, okay. Let's go, details. JERRY No, I can't do details. GEORGE You wha? JERRY I can't give details. GEORGE No details? JERRY I'm not in the mood. GEORGE You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! JERRY All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV. GEORGE Where are you sitting? JERRY On the couch. GEORGE Next to each other? JERRY No, separated. GEORGE Time? JERRY About eleven. GEORGE Okay, go ahead. JERRY So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station. GEORGE Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station. JERRY And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex. GEORGE Boy, these are really bad details. JERRY It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details. GEORGE Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me. JERRY Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate. GEORGE Better than before? JERRY She must've taken some kind of seminar or something. GEORGE This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now? JERRY Not exactly. GEORGE Not exactly. What does that mean? JERRY Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat) GEORGE Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done. JERRY I think we've worked out a system. GEORGE Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack. JERRY No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls. GEORGE Sure, all right. Tell me the rules. JERRY Okay. No calls the next day. GEORGE (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead. JERRY You ready for the second one? GEORGE I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one. JERRY Spending the night. Optional. GEORGE No, you see? You got greedy. JERRY No, that's the rule. It's optional. GEORGE I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere. JERRY I think you're wrong. GEORGE I hope I am. JERRY Is this yours or the roommate's? ELAINE The roommate's. JERRY Would she mind? ELAINE She keeps track of everything. JERRY Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it. ELAINE Thanks. JERRY Well, guess I'll get going. ELAINE Oh. JERRY Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home. ELAINE Fine, go away. JERRY I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem. ELAINE Just go. JERRY I'm having surgery tomorrow. ELAINE Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist. JERRY But you said, it can be very serious. ELAINE Okay, so fine. Go. JERRY What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. ELAINE Yeah, it's my house, it's my option. JERRY It has nothing to do with whose house it is. ELAINE Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters) TINA Hi. ELAINE + JERRY Hi. TINA Hi, Jerry. JERRY Hi. TINA Such a great improv class tonight. ELAINE Oh really? TINA I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon. ELAINE Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second? TINA Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away) ELAINE What are you doing? JERRY I can't go if you're mad. ELAINE I'm not mad. JERRY You seemed a little mad. ELAINE No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay. JERRY So you're okay with everything? ELAINE Definitely. Are you? JERRY Definitely. Well, goodnight. ELAINE Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing? JERRY What? ELAINE Rules. TINA Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly) GEORGE What about jewelry? That's very nice gift. JERRY No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night. GEORGE Maybe I'll get her some jewelry. JERRY No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half. GEORGE What am I supposed to get, a bazooka? JERRY You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it. GEORGE What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs. JERRY I think I heard her say something about a bench. GEORGE A bench? What kind of a bench? JERRY I don't know, but she mentioned a bench. GEORGE What, like at a bus stop? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE Like a park bench? JERRY I have no idea. GEORGE Who puts a bench in their house? JERRY Forget the bench. GEORGE I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box? JERRY No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead. GEORGE Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this. JERRY Nice looking fellow. GEORGE What about candle holders? JERRY Too romantic. GEORGE Lingerie? JERRY Too sexual. GEORGE Waffle maker. JERRY Too domestic. GEORGE Bust of Nelson Rockefeller. JERRY Too Gubernatorial. (?) GEORGE Let's work on the card. JERRY Maybe you won't like it. ELAINE Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it. JERRY You could not like it. ELAINE Just the fact that you remembered means everything. JERRY Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens) ELAINE Cash? JERRY Would do you think? ELAINE You got me cash? JERRY Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? ELAINE Who are you, my uncle? JERRY Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at. ELAINE Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits) ELAINE Pal? You think I'm your pal? JERRY I said, "and more." ELAINE I am not your pal. JERRY What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present) ELAINE Oh, what is this? You got me something? KRAMER Yeah. Open it. ELAINE Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated) KRAMER That's pretty good, huh? JERRY Great. KRAMER Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it. JERRY Well goody for you. KRAMER Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her? JERRY 182 bucks. KRAMER Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her. ELAINE (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend. KRAMER (To Jerry) Yates. ELAINE Oh Kramer. (They embrace) JERRY Could you excuse us please? KRAMER What? JERRY We're talking. KRAMER Oh, the relationship. (He leaves) JERRY You know, we never had one fight before this deal. ELAINE I know. JERRY Never. ELAINE Ever. JERRY We got along beautifully. ELAINE Like clams. JERRY It was wonderful. ELAINE A pleasure. JERRY So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends. ELAINE I can't do it. JERRY You what? ELAINE I can't do that. JERRY You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What do you want? ELAINE This, that, and the other. JERRY Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other? ELAINE You. JERRY (Starts to correct then realizes) Well... GEORGE Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out. JERRY I never should have made up those rules. GEORGE What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity? JERRY It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class. GEORGE You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either. JERRY Why? GEORGE It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present. JERRY What did you end up giving her? GEORGE 91 dollars. JERRY Sorry about that. GEORGE So what're you gonna do? JERRY Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it. GEORGE So, maybe this should be it. JERRY Could be it. GEORGE She seems like an it. JERRY She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont... GEORGE We'd have to kill him. JERRY We'd get caught, I'd get the chair. GEORGE I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. JERRY Plus, you know what else. GEORGE You better call her. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER You got the paper yet? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that? ELAINE No. KRAMER Well, you're not reading it now. ELAINE All right, you can take it. But I want it back. KRAMER Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today? ELAINE Ah, this. And that. JERRY And the other. KRAMER Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits) THE END |
THE PARKING SPACE | THE PARKING SPACE Written by Larry David & Greg Daniels (Comedy club) At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there." Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again. JERRY What are you talking about? KRAMER Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone. JERRY Oh yeah, I know. KRAMER Well, where is it? JERRY What's the difference? KRAMER Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious. JERRY You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you? KRAMER What happened to the car? JERRY If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me. JERRY You have to know, you must know. KRAMER I must know. JERRY Well, I'm not telling you. KRAMER Oh, come on. JERRY Nope. I don't think so. KRAMER Well, please? JERRY Not today, pal. KRAMER Okay, I beg you. JERRY Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it. KRAMER Okay, please! Please tell me! JERRY Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work. KRAMER Okay, okay, what is it? Come on. JERRY I loaned the car to George. KRAMER Ah, George, alright. Well, what for? JERRY George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?! KRAMER Alright. JERRY Huh? KRAMER Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for? JERRY Will you stop it already?! KRAMER You know, why didn't they ask me to go? JERRY I don't know! How am I supposed to know?! KRAMER What, they don't like me? JERRY *I* don't like you! KRAMER If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah. George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat. GEORGE I really think it looks good. ELAINE Ten bucks, how can you go wrong? GEORGE All bald people look good in hats. ELAINE You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then. GEORGE What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew. ELAINE Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you? GEORGE No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face. ELAINE Are you sure you like these sunglasses? Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something. Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment. KRAMER Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side. JERRY Why not? KRAMER Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight? JERRY Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes. Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'. KRAMER Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you? JERRY No, I like Mike. KRAMER Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation. JERRY Oh yeah? What did you talk about? KRAMER Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say. JERRY Oh yeah? What did he say? KRAMER You have to know everything, don't you? JERRY No, come on, Kramer. What did he say? KRAMER Why is that? Why do you have to know everything? JERRY Kramer, just tell me what the guy said. KRAMER Beg me. JERRY Please, don't make me beg. KRAMER No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on. JERRY Kramer, please tell me what the guy said. KRAMER No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh... JERRY Kramer! KRAMER Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend. JERRY Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me. KRAMER Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him. JERRY I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault! KRAMER He thinks you're a phony. JERRY He what? KRAMER I told you, he thinks you're a phony. JERRY A phony? He called me a phony? KRAMER A big phone. A big one. JERRY Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?! KRAMER You begged me. Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking noise. GEORGE Do you hear that? ELAINE Of course I hear that. GEORGE You had to move the mirror? ELAINE I wanted to check out my sunglasses. GEORGE I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium. ELAINE Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George. GEORGE I can't drive? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this. ELAINE No, I really don't. GEORGE And I can make a left turn from the right lane too. ELAINE I'm sure you could. GEORGE What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car? ELAINE I don't know. GEORGE Alright, start looking for spaces. ELAINE Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage. GEORGE Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles. ELAINE Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space. GEORGE I can't park in a garage. ELAINE Why? GEORGE I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it. ELAINE I'll pay for it. GEORGE You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces. ELAINE Oh George, there's a space right there! GEORGE Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you? ELAINE You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. They share a laugh. GEORGE Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key. ELAINE Will you just park it already? GEORGE There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space! ELAINE George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city. GEORGE No no no, he's not getting away with this. ELAINE George? George gets out of the car to confront the other driver. GEORGE Hey, what are you doing? MIKE I think I'm parking my car. GEORGE You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that. MIKE I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up. GEORGE Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first? MIKE Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in. GEORGE I was in the middle of a conversation. MIKE Hey, buddy, what can I tell you? GEORGE The point is I was here first. MIKE I was closer to this space than you were. GEORGE But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first! MIKE I can if I have room! GEORGE Are you gonna move the car? MIKE No, I'm not gonna move the car. GEORGE Jerk! MIKE Oh, you're not? GEORGE Do you believe this guy? ELAINE Come on, we'll put it in a garage. GEORGE I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space. ELAINE What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs. GEORGE Are you coming back down? ELAINE Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom. GEORGE Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car? ELAINE Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo. GEORGE Oh, come on, you're good at this. ELAINE What am I gonna say? GEORGE I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something. Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation. Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in. ELAINE Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here? JERRY Yeah, under the counter. What happened? ELAINE Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter) JERRY Tell me what happened. Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver. JERRY He is? ELAINE Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air. JERRY A gun?! ELAINE I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home. JERRY My god, are you okay? ELAINE Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise. JERRY Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing. ELAINE Exactly. JERRY Where's George now? ELAINE Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space. JERRY What are you talking about? ELAINE Look out the window, you'll see. JERRY Hey Georgie! GEORGE Hey! JERRY Are you okay? GEORGE Yeah, I'm fine. JERRY Crazy kids, huh? GEORGE What? ELAINE Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle. MIKE Is that Jerry? Jerry?! JERRY Oh, hey Mike. George What, you know Jerry? MIKE Yeah, I know Jerry. GEORGE How do you know him? MIKE What's the difference? GEORGE Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you. MIKE Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work! JERRY I'm coming down. MIKE Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside? George, What, you know Kramer?! Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment. ELAINE Hi. KRAMER Hello. JERRY Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you. KRAMER Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting! GEORGE And you're watching the fight at Jerry's? MIKE Yeah. GEORGE Oh great. ELAINE You know that guy downstairs? JERRY Yeah, he's a real phony. KRAMER What's going on?! MIKE Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space! GEORGE It's my space! KRAMER I'll be down in a minute. ELAINE Are you going down? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Is anything wrong? KRAMER Why should anything be wrong? ELAINE Be down in a minute. Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door. MIKE Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to. GEORGE I'll die out here. Two bystanders are discussing the incident. BYSTANDER #1 He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space. BYSTANDER #2 No, it doesn't matter. He was- MIKE Hey! Jerry! Long time no see! JERRY Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana. MIKE Hey Krame! You know this guy? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, I know him. MIKE You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen? JERRY Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent. MIKE Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!! GEORGE Oh, come on. MIKE Hey! Your friend here has some real problems. GEORGE Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space? MIKE Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in. GEORGE You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park! MIKE I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you! GEORGE You've got a prayer. KRAMER I go in front first all the time. JERRY Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job. Elaine shows up and pulls George aside. GEORGE Did you talk to him? ELAINE Yeah, it's all taken care of. GEORGE You told him? What did you tell him? ELAINE I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it. GEORGE I don't believe it, what did you say? ELAINE I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city. GEORGE A pack of teenagers? ELAINE Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car. GEORGE You are a genius, it's as simple as that. ELAINE What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn. Elaine and George rejoin the others. KRAMER By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market. ELAINE What? KRAMER Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it. GEORGE Oh great. JERRY I didn't know. ELAINE Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny. GEORGE Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market. MIKE A flea market? You went to a flea market?? GEORGE Hey, who's talking to you? ELAINE We just didn't think of you. KRAMER You said it, sister. GEORGE What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing? People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot. GEORGE Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move. JERRY I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything! GEORGE Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement. JERRY You're right. My fault. ELAINE Kramer? I'm so sorry, really. GEORGE Yeah, I'm sorry. KRAMER I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry. GEORGE What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry? JERRY It was a so-so sorry. A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab. TRUCK DRIVER Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through! GEORGE You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car. MIKE And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that? TRUCK DRIVER Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here! Fade out/in. ELAINE You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them. JERRY Wild pack of teenagers, huh? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize. ELAINE Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember? GEORGE Uh huh. JERRY Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering, GEORGE Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of. ELAINE Right. GEORGE I learned a lot about myself. JERRY What did you do to my car?! GEORGE I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated. ELAINE Oh, like you've ever been bobulated. JERRY I thought you said you were a good driver! GEORGE No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker. JERRY I think you said driver. GEORGE Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker. MIKE Will you move it up a little bit? GEORGE No no no, that's in the right position. MIKE No no, I was further in. GEORGE No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine. MIKE Do you mind? GEORGE Do you? SID Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion. JERRY Hey Sid. MIKE Who are you? SID Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed? GEORGE Sid, it's completely his fault. MIKE Oh, right. SID Why don't you start taking the bus? JERRY Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes. GEORGE Don't do it! JERRY What are we gonna do, stay out here all night? GEORGE Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space. ELAINE Why don't you just flip a coin already? GEORGE No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking. ELAINE You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space. GEORGE So you're against me now? An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident. ANGRY MAN He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first. MATTHEW No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in. ANGRY MAN No he wasn't. MATTHEW All that matters is who was there first. ANGRY MAN Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke. MATTHEW You just spit on me! ANGRY MAN Don't you raise your voice to me! MATTHEW You're not my father. JERRY Hey Matthew. MATTHEW Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk. JERRY How ya doing? MATTHEW Okay. JERRY Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store. MATTHEW What?! JERRY Oh no, nothing. MATTHEW What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business? JERRY No, no, no, no. MATTHEW We're not going to have any money? We're out of money? JERRY No, of course not, of course not! MATTHEW Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money? MARYEDITH Jerry?! What's the matter with you? JERRY I didn't-- MARYEDITH Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes. KRAMER Oh, congratulations. MARYEDITH What for? KRAMER Well, you're pregnant. MARYEDITH What? KRAMER You're not pregnant? MARYEDITH No, I'm not pregnant. KRAMER Are you sure you're not pregnant? MARYEDITH Yes, I'm sure! KRAMER That's weird. MARYEDITH Come on, Matthew. MATTHEW No. MARYEDITH Come on, Matthew! KRAMER I thought she was pregnant. JERRY Hey, do you think I'm phony? ELAINE What? JERRY Mike thinks I'm a phony. ELAINE He thinks you're a phony? JERRY Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me. ELAINE Oh, you have to say something. JERRY I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it. ELAINE You gotta open the vault. JERRY Open my vault? ELAINE Open your vault. JERRY Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault. ELAINE You have no choice. JERRY Oy ga-vault. NEWMAN You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law. George begins applauding. KRAMER When can you park head first? NEWMAN Never. MIKE What are you asking this guy for? NEWMAN Who's talking to you? GEORGE He's right. never. MIKE Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car? NEWMAN Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths. GEORGE When do you ever have ten car lengths? KRAMER What about Sundays and holidays? GEORGE Oh please. A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George, SHEILA What's going on here? GEORGE Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space. SHEILA I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it. GEORGE Well, thank you for your support. SHEILA Hey, that's a great hat. GEORGE Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today. NEWMAN Hey George, nice hat. GEORGE Yeah, thanks. NEWMAN Can I try it on? GEORGE No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you. NEWMAN Well sure it would. GEORGE No! Get out of here, Newman. NEWMAN Come on, let me try it on. GEORGE No, Newman, stop it. SHEILA Let him try it on. GEORGE I don't want him to! SHEILA What is wrong with you? GEORGE You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat! NEWMAN Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking. GEORGE Alright, just keep the hat! JERRY Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine? ELAINE It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going? KRAMER I'm not going if he's going. NEWMAN Me either. GEORGE I'm not going if he's going. MIKE Well I'm going. JERRY Well if he's going then I'm not going. NEWMAN But it's your house. JERRY I still don't have to go. ELAINE Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going. MIKE Why won't you go if I go? JERRY Why? I'll tell you why. KRAMER No. Don't, Jerry. JERRY Like you didn't call me a phony? MIKE What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang. JERRY Use it in a sentence. MIKE Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!? KRAMER He begged me. MIKE He begged you?! JERRY Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight? Two police officers walk up. COP #1 Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go. GEORGE Officer, could I just explain something to you? COP #1 Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes. GEORGE Officer, he can't pull in head first. MIKE Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was sitting there. COP #1 Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head first. COP #2 Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there. COP #1 What are you talking about? This guy was here first. COP #2 But he didn't take it. COP #1 Hey, it's his space. COP #2 No, it's his space. Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing through the window. GEORGE Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom! MIKE Well, you're gonna have to go to work! GEORGE I don't have a job! MIKE Neither do I! Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV. REFEREE Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding* Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion. (Comedy club) People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space. THE END |
THE STALL | THE STALL Written by Larry Charles (the bathroom) ELAINE what a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here JANE (from the stall on Elaine's right) are you talking to me? ELAINE yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some JANE no I'm sorry ELAINE what? JANE no I'm sorry, I can't spare it ELAINE you can't spare it?? JANE no there's not enough to spare ELAINE well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it JANE I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind.. ELAINE 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? JANE no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square ELAINE oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply JANE look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving) ELAINE no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you (the movie theater) JERRY (eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent JANE you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom JERRY what? (offering pop corn to Jane) (elsewhere in the same theater) ELAINE HEY TONY HEY hey? where is my popcorn babe? ELAINE what? TONY my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe? ELAINE you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom JANE I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me ELAINE 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares! JANE she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane ELAINE I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane JERRY who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out JANE I don't know what she looks like JERRY I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony ELAINE hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like TONY hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt? (Jerry's apt.) (Jerry's at his computer) (Kramer enters) KRAMER HEY JERRY HEY KRAMER hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom? JERRY what's the matter with yours? KRAMER huh.. my batteries are dead JERRY hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it? KRAMER look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh? JERRY why do you do that? KRAMER oh... (get in the bedroom) (Elaine enters) ELAINE I am never going back to the movies again JERRY hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you ELAINE I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side JERRY oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony ELAINE YEAH JERRY hey hey (fooling around with his collar) ELAINE yeah, all right ok JERRY Tony, hey hey (continues fooling) ELAINE that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts JERRY huh huh ELAINE I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper JERRY no what? ELAINE toilet paper JERRY oh.. whoa.. ELAINE so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho JERRY well maybe she couldn't spare it ELAINE a square? JERRY well, you know, sometimes a square is everything ELAINE a ply? JERRY Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert ELAINE YEAH JERRY it's battle conditions ELAINE yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night? JERRY oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh.. ELAINE the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun JERRY yeah that should be real fun ELAINE you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony? JERRY YEAH (Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone) WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre? ELAINE Andre? (Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine) KRAMER (on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident WOMAN so what? KRAMER oh that wouldn't be very good JERRY (on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone! ELAINE what is going on? what.. who is Andre? JERRY Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone KRAMER Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses.. JERRY hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me KRAMER hey, you're hungry? Monk's? JERRY no I gotta go downtown ELAINE oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right? JERRY YEAH ELAINE so listen, what happened last night with Jane? JERRY nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube (Jerry's car) ELAINE you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer JERRY I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting ELAINE hey you got a problem with Tony? JERRY hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again) ELAINE ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like JERRY of course you would ELAINE oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk JERRY ELAINE ELAINE what? JERRY it's different for a man ELAINE huh? JERRY we're expected to be superficial ELAINE I'm not being superficial JERRY Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo ELAINE he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face JERRY and that's why you're going out with him ELAINE no it is not JERRY you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him ELAINE I think he does too JERRY I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him (MONK'S) TONY so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off" (Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards) GEORGE "step off"? TONY YEAH GEORGE you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is? TONY NO GEORGE bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time TONY bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling GEORGE rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions TONY no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing GEORGE all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter? TONY what.. whatever GEORGE alright alright, I gotta buy some bread TONY yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing GEORGE me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down TONY cool, so what do you say we climb a rock ma�ana? GEORGE huh.. ma�ana? huh ma�ana might.. huh ma�ana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced ma�ana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one ma�ana's notice (Kramer enters) TONY hey Kramer KRAMER HEY TONY hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing ma�ana? KRAMER ma�ana I'm doing nada TONY what do you say you scale some rock with me and George? GEORGE huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches TONY c'mon Kramer what do you say? GEORGE huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there KRAMER I am down TONY yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong? GEORGE I am down! (JERRY'S) ELAINE rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs) GEORGE alright alright JERRY yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now? GEORGE yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy JERRY cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade? GEORGE he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie! (Kramer enters) KRAMER HEY EVERYBODY HEY GEORGE hey nice move today KRAMER what? GEORGE horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony KRAMER: he asked me GEORGE you put him on the spot KRAMER you know I think you're in love with him GEORGE what?.. that's ridiculous! KRAMER no no no, I don't think so. You love him GEORGE you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either (phone rings, Kramer answers) JERRY you're making sandwiches? KRAMER HELLO GEORGE well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there KRAMER who? GEORGE Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter? ELAINE hates it GEORGE good thing I asked JERRY (to Kramer): who is it? KRAMER well she says Jane JERRY yeah, so? KRAMER well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty JERRY did you say flinty? KRAMER yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty (on the rocks) (Kramer and George are hanging on a rock) KRAMER (SINGING) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other) ECHO HELLO KRAMER hey George, hear that? (George is terrified) GEORGE please please please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!! (George grabs Kramer's leg) KRAMER let go, hey grab the rock GEORGE what rock? KRAMER the rock GEORGE uh oh.. KRAMER you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo GEORGE (SOBBING) yodel lay hee hoo.. KRAMER (CHANTING) yodel lay hee hoo GEORGE (SOBBING) yodel lay hee hoo.. TONY (voice from below) George! Kramer! KRAMER yeah! TONY take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are KRAMER alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope) GEORGE YEAH TONY hey George, you got anything to eat dude? GEORGE (taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter (the ropes slides down) KRAMER what? TONY dude aah....... (George and Kramer look at each other) GEORGE AND KRAMER ahh.....!! (JERRY'S) (Jerry and Jane are eating) JERRY ..can I have your napkin? JANE what? JERRY you napkin I'm dripping JANE well where is your napkin? JERRY I used it up JANE well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work JERRY you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours JANE I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum JERRY you're fine (goes to the bathroom) (buzzer rings) JANE oh how does this thing work? JERRY just press it ELAINE it's Elaine JANE oh come on up JERRY (coming out from the bathroom) who was it? JANE it's Elaine JERRY oh..huh.. is she coming up? JANE YEAH JERRY huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum. JANE OK JERRY Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah (Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now) JANE HMM JERRY have some more, take a load JANE isn't it too much? JERRY trust me.. nah it's good JANE smell? JERRY yeah stinks, terrible (Elaine enters) JERRY hi Elaine ELAINE HI JERRY this is Jane Elaine ELAINE hi, nice to meet you finally JANE it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night ELAINE yeah me too JANE ok so I'll see you Saturday night JERRY Saturday night (she leaves) (Jerry shuts the door) ELAINE what is with the gum? JERRY I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday NIGHT ELAINE because of the gum JERRY well it's too much, it's embarrassing ELAINE why does she have to chew so many? JERRY she's one of those person, always have to be different (on the other side of the door) (WHISPERING) GEORGE she's there, I can hear her KRAMER alright, who's gonna tell her GEORGE huh you tell her KRAMER it was your fault GEORGE if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door) JERRY WELL ELAINE HEY GEORGE AND KRAMER HEY GEORGE what are you doing here? ELAINE did you have fun GEORGE AND KRAMER YEAH KRAMER for a little while ELAINE where's Tony? GEORGE oh.. KRAMER huh.. GEORGE Kramer was supposed to tie a knot KRAMER whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot ELAINE did something happened? GEORGE Tony.. took a bit of a tumble ELAINE his face, did something happen to his face? KRAMER well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen GEORGE he..he's alive KRAMER YEAH ELAINE what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face GEORGE you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a.. KRAMER ROCK GEORGE yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly KRAMER some big rock GEORGE we rode along all the way to the hospital KRAMER yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall (Elaine rushes out) JERRY well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches? (TONY'S) ELAINE so huh, what did the doctors say? TONY the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages) ELAINE but what else did they say TONY well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean ELAINE yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that TONY I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool ELAINE huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered? TONY I don't know, I don't know ELAINE think Tony, think TONY I'm drawing a blank, babe (knock on door) (Elaine gets it, it's George) ELAINE this isn't a very good time George GEORGE I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff) TONY step off George, I don't wanna see you GEORGE me? "step off" ELAINE yeah, Tony says you better step off George GEORGE but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine TONY just beat it dude! GEORGE here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the 2 of us TONY there won't be any next time George GEORGE oh Tony don't ELAINE ok step off George, can u just step off? GEORGE I I just.. but.. ELAINE Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait GEORGE yes? ELAINE can you throw this trash out (closes the door) (JERRY'S) (Jane is giving Jerry a massage) JERRY I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night JANE that is too bad, what a shame JERRY yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame! JANE well maybe he's feeling better JERRY yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) JERRY oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer KRAMER HEY JANE hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer) KRAMER well hello Jane JANE Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately KRAMER (very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy JERRY wait, where are you going? where are you going? KRAMER uptown, to the ? JANE oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab? KRAMER what about the driver? JANE what are you talking about? JERRY alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now JANE well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you JERRY what's with you? KRAMER that's her JERRY who? KRAMER Erika, she's Erika JERRY oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman KRAMER Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her JERRY oh you're crazy KRAMER am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? JERRY it's impossible KRAMER is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top? JERRY it can't be KRAMER can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? JERRY alright that's enough KRAMER yeaaaaah! (MONK'S) ELAINE he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if? JERRY what? ELAINE you know (acts like a monster) JERRY oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead ELAINE yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway JERRY oh I though you didn't care about his looks ELAINE I lied JERRY AHA ELAINE are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry JERRY oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there? ELAINE yeah, yeah JERRY hey Kramer KRAMER what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set JERRY what's all set? KRAMER Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth JERRY how's you get her to meet here? KRAMER I don't know, we have a certain chemistry (Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling) JERRY oh my god JANE hi I thought I'd find you here JERRY hello.. Erika JANE Erika? what are you talking about? JERRY how can u say things like that over the phone? JANE what are you talking about? JERRY selling sexual pleasure over the phone? JANE I sell paper goods you jerk JERRY paper goods? ELAINE excuse me, do you have a tissue? JANE I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare (Elaine realizes) JANE where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her) ELAINE I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane) (the bathroom) JANE oh damn ELAINE something.. wrong? JANE yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind? ELAINE I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a SQUARE JANE wait a minute, I know you ELAINE that's right honey, and I know you! (Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper) JANE no, no, no!!! (she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards Jerry and gives him the rolls) ELAINE: here, take it JANE (walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry) don't call me anymore (Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands) (Jane walks by Kramer and turns back) JANE (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either (sticks her tongue out) (Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open) THE END |
THE CALZONE | THE CALZONE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium) GEORGE I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors... MR. STEINBRENNER All the way to the floor! What are you crazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your lucky you have any doors at all. You know when I was in the army... Hey Costanza. What's that your eating over there? It looks pretty tasty. GEORGE It's a calzone, sir. MR. STEINBRENNER A calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's have a look at at it. I want a little taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's in this thing? GEORGE Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant. MR. STEINBRENNER Eggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing. Okay let's get back to business. Okay here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent. Excellent calzone you got there Costanza. Okay a little jealous now. Okay let's go. Ok last week.... You know that eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind. Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now. Pronto. Move out. Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody out. Out. (Jerry and Elaine at apartment) ELAINE One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him. JERRY What bet? ELAINE He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars. JERRY Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so. ELAINE That's what I said. JERRY So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Huh. ELAINE What? JERRY No, nothing. Kramer walks in JERRY What's with you? KRAMER Feel this. JERRY Wow.That's hot. KRAMER Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants. ELAINE I'll see you later. KRAMER Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer. JERRY So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer. KRAMER Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later? JERRY I got a date with Nikki. KRAMER Oh yeah she's a beauty. JERRY She's also quite bold. KRAMER Oh bold and beautiful. George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium MR. STEINBRENNER I am loving this calzone. The pita pocket prevents it from dripping. The pita pocket. (phone rings) What is it Watson? A lost and found? No. I don't think we need that. If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck. You got a drip on your mouth by the way. GEORGE You know a lost and found could be a good idea. MR. STEINBRENNER Hold on Watson. You like lost and found George? GEORGE Definitely. MR. STEINBRENNER All right lost and found. But there's got to be a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here. Jerry and Nikki at movies JERRY Hey, Elaine. ELAINE Hi Jerry! JERRY This is Nikki. NIKKI Hi! ELAINE Hello. This is Todd Gack. JERRY Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr. ELAINE So what movie are you guys seeing? NIKKI "Means to an End " ELAINE Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to see " Blame it on the Rain " JERRY Why don't you see what you can do? NIKKI Okay. ELAINE What's she going to do? There's no more tickets. JERRY We'll see. TODD Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars? JERRY Yeah. Why? TODD I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap. JERRY Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding. TODD So do you want a box? JERRY Sure. If there cheap Why not. TODD All right I buy a box and give to Elaine. NIKKI Okay two tickets "Means to an End" JERRY Told you. ELAINE How did you do that? NIKKI I just talked to the manager. JERRY All right. Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain " Jerry and George at the coffee shop GEORGE There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time limit but still. JERRY There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you tribute all this to the calzone. GEORGE Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting. JERRY With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place. GEORGE So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't notice it what's the point. JERRY So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind. GEORGE Not bills. JERRY So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in. GEORGE Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. You can't stop them. JERRY She's like a beautiful Godzilla. GEORGE Without thousands of fleeing Japanese. Jerry and Kramer at his apartment KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY What the hell is all this? KRAMER I am looking for quarters for the dryer. JERRY Why can't you do this on your table? KRAMER Because I don't have a table. Elaine walks in ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. So how was "Blame it on the Rain?" ELAINE Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too. JERRY Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet? Kramer leaves ELAINE No. We were both in the mood for one. JERRY You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends.. ELAINE Oh is that so. JERRY Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet. ELAINE What are you talking about? JERRY Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner ELAINE If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me. JERRY Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole. ELAINE I don't buy it. Kramer walks in with more change JERRY So what happened after the movie? ELAINE Nothing. He walked me home. JERRY To the door? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY That's a date. ELAINE No it's not. JERRY But I never walk you home. ELAINE That's just because your a jackass. KRAMER Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up? JERRY No, no. ELAINE No, no. JERRY So how did you leave it with him? ELAINE I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars. JERRY That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out. ELAINE Your crazy! JERRY Crazy like a man. George at Pisano's WORKER Number 49. GEORGE You know my last name is Costanza. That's Italian. So you and I are like country men. Pisano's! WORKER $ 6.50 your change. GEORGE And I always take care of my Pisano's. So here is a little something. ( drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught ) WORKER Hey! You steal my money!! GEORGE No no. That's not what I was trying to do. WORKER I know what you try to do. Get out. Don't ever come back ever. George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium GEORGE I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner. MR. STEINBRENNER Beautiful. I am starving George. GEORGE I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef. MR. STEINBRENNER Corn beef. I don't think so. It is a little fatty. GEORGE How about Chinese? MR. STEINBRENNER Uhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's the ticket. GEORGE I just thought it would be nice. A little variety. MR. STEINBRENNER No, no, no. George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George . First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table. Todd walking Elaine to her apartment ELAINE Thanks for the dinner. TODD Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry. ELAINE Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question. Um. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out? TODD What? ELAINE I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? TODD Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner. ELAINE Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight. TODD Hey, if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere ? ELAINE See what is that? Is that a date? TODD Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date? ELAINE All right. I am sorry it's not a date. TODD No way. So I'll see you Saturday night? ELAINE All right. TODD Pick you up at 8:00 p.m. Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop POLICE OFFICER Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is? JERRY I was got to be 55. POLICE OFFICER That's right it is. Do you know how fast you were going? JERRY A lot faster than that! POLICE OFFICER Step out of the car sir. JERRY Okay dokey POLICE OFFICER Can I have your license and registration please? JERRY Absolutely. Nikki! NIKKI Yes. JERRY Would you mind bringing the officer the registration? NIKKI Not at all. POLICE OFFICER I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour. JERRY You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100. NIKKI Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket? JERRY All right Nik. That's it. Kramer and Jerry at his apartment KRAMER Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt. JERRY You got your shirt in my oven!?! KRAMER I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. And it's more convenient. JERRY For both of us. KRAMER And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees. JERRY What's wrong with your oven? KRAMER I am baking a pie! Buzz, buzz JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Come on up. KRAMER You got cigars, huh. JERRY I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell! KRAMER Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these? " Perducto de Peru " Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming. JERRY Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks! KRAMER You got ripped buddy. JERRY I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out. KRAMER That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that Dutch? ( Dingggggg ) Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on ) Hey George hey. Kramer leaves GEORGE Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now. JERRY so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones? GEORGE What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function. JERRY Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you? GEORGE Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work. JERRY No. I never had a job. Kramer walks in with no pants on KRAMER I decided to go with the brown one 's. (pants) GEORGE What the hell is this? JERRY Kramer's cooking up some corduroy. GEORGE There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's. KRAMER Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium right? GEORGE Yeah. You've heard of it? KRAMER Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on his mail route. He goes by there everyday. GEORGE I'll see you guys later. JERRY What kind of pie are you cooking? KRAMER Huckleberry. George at Newman's apartment NEWMAN You certainly are in a bind. GEORGE Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we could help each other out. NEWMAN Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives. GEORGE Are you going to help me or not? NEWMAN All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in return. GEORGE What? NEWMAN Well for starters I want a calzone of my own... GEORGE All right. NEWMAN And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie. GEORGE That's a little steep don't you think? NEWMAN You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry. GEORGE All right, all right. NEWMAN Do we have a deal? GEORGE But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his meals. NEWMAN I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Todd and Elaine at a restaurant ELAINE This is nice. TODD Gack. Party of four. ELAINE Party of four? Who are we meeting? TODD Mom! Dad! This is Elaine. MOM Hello. ELAINE Hellllllooooo. End of dinner MOM Nice meeting you. TODD Bye mom. MOM She's wonderful. ELAINE What the hell was that? TODD What? ELAINE Why did you introduce me to your parents? TODD There nice people. I thought you would like them. ELAINE Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date. TODD Why is this a date? ELAINE Saturday night with your parents. Unless I'm your sister this is a date. TODD Elaine. I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents without classifying it as a date. ELAINE Well if it's not a date then what is it? TODD It's a lovely evening together. ELAINE I don't believe this. TODD Well I am getting a cab want to join me? ELAINE No. I'll just walk home. TODD Okay goodnight. ( goes to kiss her ) ELAINE Now what was that? George at Newman's apartment Knock, knock NEWMAN Hello. What 's this? GEORGE Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week.. Um shouldn't you be at work by now? NEWMAN Work? It's raining. GEORGE Soooooo NEWMAN I called in sick. I don't work in the rain. GEORGE You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman. " Neither rain nor sleet nor snow..." It's the first one. NEWMAN I was never that big on creeds. GEORGE You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal! NEWMAN I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps tomorrow. GEORGE But I'm paying you! NEWMAN Yes thank you. ( slams door ) GEORGE Newman!! Nikki and Jerry at his apartment NIKKI Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba? JERRY I did. NIKKI Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him? JERRY Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit. NIKKI Okay. George at Kramer's apartment Knock, knock GEORGE Kramer! KRAMER Hey you! GEORGE Look I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's. KRAMER What happened to Newman? GEORGE He called in sick. KRAMER Oh yeah right it's raining. GEORGE Can you do it? KRAMER What time do you need it at? GEORGE 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money? KRAMER No. I got eight tons of change. I'm loaded. Kramer on street KRAMER Hey hold that bus! Kramer at Pisano's KRAMER Hey. It's really wet out there. WORKER What can I get you? KRAMER I here you make a pretty mean calzone. WORKER Calzone! KRAMER Yeah calzone. WORKER The best! KRAMER All right. Lay them on me. I'll take three. WORKER Three calzones. KRAMER Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen. I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Elaine goes to the coffee shop ELAINE Hey Todd. TODD Hi. You know Nikki. Elaine Yeah sure. NIKKI Wait. Elaine will settle this. What's the "M" stand for in Richard M. Nixon? ELAINE Milhouse. NIKKI I told you so. He said it was Moe. You owe me a dinner. Kramer at Pisano's WORKER Your order is ready. Three calzones and one shirt and jacket. KRAMER Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this. WORKER What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt? What the hell is this? Your paying in pennies? KRAMER That's all I got. WORKER No. You have to have bills. Paper money. You can't pay with this. KRAMER I told you this is all I got. WORKER Then no calzones. Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian George's office at Yankee Stadium GEORGE What happened? Where have you been? KRAMER The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change. GEORGE What the hell happened to your shirt? KRAMER He overcooked it. It's ruined. GEORGE Your clothes smell just like Pisano's. There's another Italian place on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him. Mr. Steinbrenner at his office say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired. Okay your not He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office. Costanza ! I'll get you. Jerry and Elaine at apartment JERRY Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together. ELAINE These are terrible. JERRY It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone. ELAINE What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway. JERRY I think it's Dutch. I got to get going. ELAINE Where are you going? JERRY I.. uh..promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her. ELAINE But she broke up with you. JERRY I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no. ELAINE It smells like a rubber fire. JERRY What's that? ELAINE I said rubber fire. JERRY Oh. ELAINE Did you ever pay Todd for these things? JERRY Actually it's being taken care of right now. Kramer at Todd's apartment Knock, knock KRAMER You Gack? TODD Yeah. KRAMER Here's your money. Kramer throws a bag full of change at him Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office MR. STEINBRENNER George. Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's? GEORGE Because they were heated up there. MR. STEINBRENNER Heating up your clothes? That's not a bad idea. THE END |
THE STRIKE | THE STRIKE Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & Dan O'Keefe (Tim Whatley's apartment) ELAINE So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh? JERRY Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's a breeze. (Elaine laughs, Whatley enters) TIM Hey! Happy Chanukah! JERRY Hey, Tim. Great party. (Tim holds up a mistletoe) TIM (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh? ELAINE (Shrugging it off) eh. TIM (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets. GEORGE Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs) TIM (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera) ELAINE This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah. GEORGE I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves) ELAINE Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight. JERRY You have a standard fake? ELAINE Mm-hmm. JERRY (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat. ELAINE (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.) DENIM VEST Hi! (Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman) JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry. WOMAN Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast. (Scene cuts to Elaine) ELAINE Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons DENIM VEST They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time? ELAINE Why don't I give you my phone number? (Scene ends) Coffee Shop) (George enters) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks? GEORGE Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today. JERRY Didn't you call in sick yesterday? GEORGE Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows." JERRY (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here? GEORGE Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley. JERRY See? You give, and you get. GEORGE (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."? JERRY Oh, that's nice. GEORGE I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!" JERRY To a children's charity! GEORGE Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye! (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey! JERRY Hey. (Waitress moves tward the table) ELAINE (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later. JERRY "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there? ELAINE I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain. JERRY What does that mean? ELAINE (Embarrassed) Free sub. (George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card) ELAINE What? GEORGE Nothing. It's a card from my dad. ELAINE What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus? GEORGE It's nothing, stop it.. JERRY When George was growing up.. GEORGE (Interrupting) Jerry, No! JERRY His father.. GEORGE No! JERRY Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday. ELAINE Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place. GEORGE (pleading) Alright.. JERRY And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? (Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so) GEORGE Jerry! Stop it! JERRY And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? (Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter) GEORGE I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically) (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) (Elaine is digging into her purse) ELAINE Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest! JERRY So? ELAINE I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it! JERRY No, you walk out. ELAINE Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it. JERRY No, you wait for the movie! ELAINE (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub. JERRY You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now. KRAMER (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show! JERRY So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it? ELAINE That's a good idea. (Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket) KRAMER (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work. JERRY What strike? KRAMER Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked. JERRY You? ELAINE Worked? JERRY Bagels? KRAMER Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years. ELAINE Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time. KRAMER Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity. ELAINE What were your.. demands? KRAMER Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now. ELAINE I believe that's the new minimum wage. KRAMER Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door) JERRY Why didn't you ever mention this? KRAMER Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends) H&H Bagel Shop) (Kramer walks through the door) KRAMER All right, everybody! I'm back! MANAGER Who are you? KRAMER Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over. MANAGER Oh yeah! Kramer. KRAMER Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back? MANAGER NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago. KRAMER Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for.. MANAGER I could use someone for the holidays.. KRAMER Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those? MANAGER Those are rasin bagels. KRAMER (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that.. (Scene ends) Horse Track Betting) (Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies) ELAINE So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake. BOOKIE So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years. ELAINE So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number.. BOOKIE (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes. (Co-Worker in the back speaks up) CHARLIE Elaine Benes?! (Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing) BOOKIE You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man. CHARLIE (faintly) I'm a man. ELAINE Ohh.. my.. BOOKIE I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down) ELAINE My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont. (Scene ends) classy restaurant) (Jerry and Tim Whatley meet) TIM Hey, Jerry. JERRY Hey, Tim. TIM What's up? JERRY Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party. TIM Mazel Tov. (Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive) GWEN Jerry.. hi. JERRY Gwen? GWEN Yeah. JERRY (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really? GWEN Yeah! Come on, our table is ready. (Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry) (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) GEORGE So, attractive one day - not attractive the next? JERRY Have you come across this? GEORGE Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face. JERRY (Relating) Like the Batman villain? GEORGE (Annoyed) If that helps you.. JERRY So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly. GEORGE (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood! JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry) JERRY (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that? GEORGE (With pride) Made it up. JERRY (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people." GEORGE What do you think? JERRY It has a certain understated stupidity. GEORGE (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales! JERRY ..Yeah. (Enter Kramer) (He is holding a sack full of bagels) KRAMER Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house! JERRY How was your first day? KRAMER Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough. (Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels) JERRY Your hands were in the dough? KRAMER No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test. (George spits his bagel out) GEORGE Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave) JERRY Happy Festivus! KRAMER What's Festivus? JERRY When George was growing up.. GEORGE (Interrupting) No! JERRY His father.. GEORGE Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist! (Elaine enters while George is exiting) ELAINE Happy Festivus, Georgie. (George leaves yelling out "God!") KRAMER Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific! ELAINE Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message. JERRY You're still trying to gget that free sub? ELAINE Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now. JERRY Is there a captain's hat involved in this? ELAINE Maybe. (Scene ends) H&H Bagel Shop) FRANK Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest? KRAMER Well, just tell me everything, huh? FRANK Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way! KRAMER What happened to the doll? FRANK It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!" KRAMER That musta been some kind of doll. FRANK She was. (Scene ends) Kruger Office Building) (George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts) GEORGE Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card) SANDY (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off) (George passes an open doorway) GEORGE Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil) PHIL Ow! (George meets up with Kruger) GEORGE Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card) KRUGER Not if you could see our books.. what's this? GEORGE The Human Fund. KRUGER Whatever. (Walks off) GEORGE Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica! (Scene ends) H&H Bagel Shop) (Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus) FRANK And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. KRAMER Is there a tree? FRANK No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting. KRAMER Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch. FRANK Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine) ELAINE Hello, Frank. FRANK Hello, woman. (leaves) ELAINE Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest? KRAMER No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off. MANAGER Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays. KRAMER But it's Festivus. MANAGER What? KRAMER You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.. MANAGER That's not a right. KRAMER Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out! ELAINE No, I got to stay here and wait for the call. KRAMER What? You're siding with management?! ELAINE No, I just.. KRAMER (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab! (Scene ends) Taxi Cab) (Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state) GWEN Hey. JERRY Boy, am I glad to see you. GWEN You were expecting someone else? JERRY You never know. GWEN (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel. JERRY So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? (All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly) GWEN I can go either way. JERRY (Shocked) You're telling me. (Scene ends) the Coffee Shop) GEORGE So, she was switching? Back and forth? JERRY Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there. GEORGE So, just bring her here. This is all you really need. JERRY I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress? GEORGE Lights out. JERRY Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way. GEORGE (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine! JERRY That's not a french cuff shirt, you know. GEORGE I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener. JERRY Oh, that's classy. (Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole) KRAMER Well, Happy Festivus. GEORGE What is that? Is taht the pole?! FRANK George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are. GEORGE (Sulking) That's why I hate it. KRAMER There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited. FRANK George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard) FRANK Read that poem. GEORGE (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses! FRANK You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak! ESTELLE Leave him alone! FRANK Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength. (George has a break down) GEORGE No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus! FRANK We had some good times. (Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state) GWEN Hey. JERRY I there. This is Kramer, and Frank. GWEN Hi. KRAMER (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello. GWEN So, you ready to go? JERRY Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth. (Scene ends) H&H Bagel Shop) (Kramer is picketing out side.) KRAMER Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant) (Cut to inside the store) MANAGER (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich. ELAINE (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine. KRAMER (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down. ELAINE What did you do? KRAMER You've been warned. (Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone) ELAINE Oh, hi! (Waves at him) (Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs up) WORKER Hey, the steam valve's broke. MANAGER Can we still make bagels? WORKER Sure. It's just a little steamy. (Kramer knocks on the shop door) KRAMER Hey! How do you like your bagels now?! (No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see if anyone was affected) (Scene ends) Kruger Building) KRUGER George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George) GEORGE 20 thousand dollars? KRUGER Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home. (Scene ends) Coffee Shop) GWEN Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place? JERRY Why? It's our place. GWEN I just found a rubber band in my soup. JERRY Oh.. I know who's cooking today! (Enter George) GEORGE Hey! Surprise, surprise! JERRY Hey, Georgie! GWEN I think I'm just gonna go. JERRY I'll be here. (Gwen leaves) GEORGE (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup. JERRY She didn't touch it. (George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band) GEORGE Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check) JERRY 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this. GEORGE I don't know. JERRY Excuse me? GEORGE I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back. JERRY You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars. GEORGE I'm serious. JERRY You're going to start your own charity? GEORGE I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver.. (Scene ends) Outside H&H Bagels) (Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out, her make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the steam) ELAINE Kramer, the vest just called. KRAMER (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night! ELAINE Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card. KRAMER And? ELAINE (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya. KRAMER Yeah. (Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state) GWEN Kramer, Hi! KRAMER Oh, hello. GWEN It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop. KRAMER Ah-huh. GWEN I'm dating your friend, Jerry.. KRAMER Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller. GWEN That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught. KRAMER Oh, he's a tomcat. (Cut to Elaine) (She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner) ELAINE Steve. DENIM VEST Hmm? ELAINE It's Elaine. DENIM VEST From Tim Whatley's party? ELAINE Yeah. DENIM VEST You look.. different. ELAINE I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you? DENIM VEST Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something. ELAINE No, no, no. You give me your number. DENIM VEST Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps? ELAINE No. DENIM VEST Typhoid? ELAINE No. DENIM VEST (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama! (Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number on a nearby truck) ELAINE A fake number! Blimey! (Scene ends) Kruger's office) KRUGER George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund. GEORGE Well, there could be. KRUGER But there isn't. GEORGE Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out) KRUGER George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift. GEORGE Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus. KRUGER Vemonous? GEORGE Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir! KRUGER Are you making all this up, too? GEORGE Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to. KRUGER Yeah, you probably should. (Scene ends) The Costanza's house) GEORGE Happy Festivus! FRANK George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit? GEORGE Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger. FRANK Have you seen the pole, Kruger? GEORGE Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole. FRANK He's gonna see it. (Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam) GEORGE Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama! ELAINE I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here? GEORGE Embracing my roots. JERRY They nailed you on the 20 G's? GEORGE Busted cold. (Cut to Kruger and Frank) (They're looking at the Festivus pole) FRANK It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. KRUGER I find your belief system fascinating. (Enter Kramer) (Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting) KRAMER Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee! BOOKIE Hello again, Miss Benes. ELAINE What are you doing here? BOOKIE Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place.. KRAMER (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle! (Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it) ESTELLE Dinner's ready! FRANK Let's begin. Dr.. Van Nostrand? KRAMER Uh.. that's right. (Cut to Frank) FRANK Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks! GEORGE Oh, God. FRANK (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought. (Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in) GWEN Jerry! JERRY Gwen! How'd you know I was here? GWEN Kramer told me. KRAMER Another Festivus miracle! (Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine) GWEN I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about. ELAINE Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break. (Gwen leaves, Jerry follows) JERRY Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch. ELAINE (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do? BOOKIE He had to be shot. FRANK And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength. GEORGE Not the feats of strength.. FRANK This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer. KRAMER Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H. JERRY I thought you were on strike? KRAMER Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there. GEORGE Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength? (Exit Kramer) KRUGER (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George? FRANK Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over! GEORGE Oh, please, somebody, stop this! FRANK (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble! (Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house) ESTELLE I think you can take him, Georgie! GEORGE Oh, come on! Be sensible. FRANK Stop crying, and fight your father! GEORGE Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle! FRANK This is the best Festivus ever! (Scene ends) H&H Bagel Shop) (Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls into the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting it from the dough. The manger is watching) MANAGER Alright. That's enough. You're fired. KRAMER Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves) THE END |
THE ALTERNATE SIDE | THE ALTERNATE SIDE Written by Larry David & Bill Masters (Comedy club) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that. First scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. JERRY Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front. GEORGE Was the alarm on? JERRY I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son. GEORGE I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? JERRY They cross the wires or something. GEORGE Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti. Kramer enters. JERRY They stole my car. KRAMER Who did? JERRY They did. KRAMER Was it more than just one? JERRY What should I do, should I call the police? KRAMER What are they gonna do? JERRY I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. GEORGE Maybe you should call your car phone. JERRY Yeah, he's probably driving it right now. GEORGE Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens. JERRY Are you serious? GEORGE Yeah, go ahead, call. JERRY I don't even know if I remember the number. Jerry dials. JERRY What do I say if he picks up? CAR THIEF Hello? JERRY Hello? Is this 555-8383? CAR THIEF I have no idea. JERRY Can I ask you a question? CAR THIEF Sure. JERRY Did you steal my car? CAR THIEF Yes I did. JERRY You did?! CAR THIEF I did. JERRY That's my car! CAR THIEF I didn't know it was yours. JERRY What are you gonna do with it? CAR THIEF I dunno, drive around. JERRY Then can I have it back? CAR THIEF Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it. Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone. KRAMER Hello? CAR THIEF Yeah, who's this? KRAMER Kramer. CAR THIEF Hello, Kramer. KRAMER Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment. CAR THIEF Wait, hold on... Brown ones? KRAMER Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St. CAR THIEF One-two-nine, okay. KRAMER Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry. JERRY Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello? CAR THIEF Jerry? JERRY Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires? CAR THIEF I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. JERRY Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully. CAR THIEF Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the-- Jerry hangs up. JERRY Sid left the keys in the car. GEORGE Who's Sid? JERRY He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. GEORGE What do you mean? JERRY He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket. GEORGE What, do you pay him for that? JERRY Yeah, like fifty bucks a month. GEORGE How many people does he do that for? JERRY The whole block, forty, fifty cars. KRAMER He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry? GEORGE Could anybody do that? Sid enters. JERRY Hey Sid, what happened? SID I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff. JERRY You left the keys in the car? SID Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted. KRAMER You know I'm in that movie? GEORGE You are? KRAMER Yeah, I'm an extra. GEORGE How'd you get that? KRAMER Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me. GEORGE Right out of the clear blue sky? KRAMER Clear blue sky! GEORGE Well, why didn't they ask me? KRAMER I got a quality. SID Jerry, you got insurance, right? JERRY Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one. SID Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it. JERRY This Wednesday? SID No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday. JERRY But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday. SID If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday. GEORGE Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away? SID Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want. GEORGE Maybe I could move them until you get back. SID What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work? GEORGE I'm in a transition phase right now. SID Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all. Phone rings. JERRY Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome. New scene. Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency. ELAINE I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels. JERRY Owen March, I never heard of him. ELAINE Well, he's not a baseball player. JERRY Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good. ELAINE Yeah. Well, there is one little problem. JERRY What's that? ELAINE He's sixty-six years old. RENTAL CAR AGENT Next please. ELAINE Well, go, go. AGENT Can I help you? Name please? JERRY Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course. AGENT Okay, let's see here. JERRY Sixty-six years old? ELAINE Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him. JERRY Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him? ELAINE What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman? JERRY Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning. AGENT I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment. JERRY I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation? AGENT Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars. JERRY But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. AGENT I know why we have reservations. JERRY I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. AGENT Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor. The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen speaking with someone. JERRY Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there? ELAINE What? JERRY Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking. ELAINE Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all? JERRY Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you. ELAINE Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later. The agent returns. AGENT I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do. JERRY Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there. AGENT But we do have a compact if you would like that. JERRY Fine. AGENT Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance? JERRY Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car. AGENT Please fill this out. ELAINE What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake? JERRY Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important. ELAINE I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. ELAINE I just don't enjoy being with him. JERRY Well that's what's important. ELAINE I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone? JERRY How many times you been out with him? ELAINE Seven? JERRY Face to face. ELAINE Seven dates is a face-to-face break up? JERRY If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex. ELAINE Hmm... How's the pasta over there? Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him out of the way and heads for the kitchen sink. KRAMER Whoa, whoa!! JERRY What is going on out there? GEORGE I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me! George runs off into the bathroom. KRAMER Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today? ELAINE Today?! KRAMER You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries. ELAINE Yeah. KRAMER So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing. ELAINE He was laughing?! KRAMER Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose. JERRY So then what? KRAMER I got a line in the movie! ELAINE Get out! JERRY That's great! GEORGE You got a line in the Woody Allen movie? KRAMER Pretty good, huh? GEORGE You're in the movie? Is he in the scene? KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh? JERRY You mean *a* career. ELAINE So was Mia Farrow there? KRAMER Uh, I didn't see him. ELAINE What's your line? KRAMER Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that? The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue. KRAMER So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." GEORGE Is that how you're gonna say it? KRAMER No, no, I'm working on it. ELAINE Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." JERRY No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." KRAMER No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act. GEORGE "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!" Jerry pinches his nose. GEORGE That was no good? KRAMER I didn't say anything. ELAINE I'm gonna go break up with Owen. GEORGE What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty! George storms out. New scene. Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on the door, Jerry opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man. JERRY Oh my god. ELAINE Call an ambulance. JERRY Boy, he took it hard. New scene. Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what happened. ELAINE We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch. JERRY Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A. ELAINE Tell then to hurry! Hurry! JERRY It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious. Kramer enters. KRAMER These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty. JERRY Kramer. KRAMER What happened here? ELAINE I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid? JERRY Shouldn't you do something with the extremities? ELAINE What extremities? KRAMER What's an extremity? JERRY You raise the feet, get blood to the head. KRAMER You raise the head, you get blood to the feet. ELAINE Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that. JERRY I don't have a washcloth. ELAINE Well use a paper towel. JERRY You can't put a paper towel on his head. KRAMER What about a big sponge? JERRY How you gonna hold it on there? KRAMER Use a belt. ELAINE No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him. JERRY Should we walk him around? ELAINE AND KRAMER Yes, yes. KRAMER Yeah, I've seen them do that. JERRY No, no that's for a drug overdose. KRAMER Maybe that's what he's got. ELAINE No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table. KRAMER Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking. ELAINE He is not a drug addict! JERRY Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something. ELAINE A cookie! KRAMER Can you give him a cookie? ELAINE How's he gonna chew it? JERRY We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him. Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw up and down. ELAINE Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him. KRAMER I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow. ELAINE You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it. JERRY Cookies don't liquefy. ELAINE Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie. KRAMER Alright I'll get a blender. JERRY What blender? I don't have a blender. KRAMER You got a blender. JERRY I would know if I had a blender. ELAINE Where is the ambulance?! Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed by a crashing sound. The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing. JERRY Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago. ELAINE I can't believe what's going on out here. JERRY This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello? VOICE Paramedics. JERRY Come on up. Okay, they're here. ELAINE He seems to be breathing. JERRY Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy. ELAINE I know. JERRY Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him? ELAINE Almost. JERRY Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there. ELAINE It's not an easy thing to bring up. JERRY Yeah, that's true. ELAINE Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk. JERRY Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers. ELAINE He does, how'd you know that? JERRY I could tell. Two paramedics enter with a stretcher. ELAINE What happened, what took you so long?! PARAMEDIC We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort. JERRY Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car! George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth. GEORGE Oh man. JERRY What happened to the car? GEORGE Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he? ELAINE This guy I'm seeing. GEORGE What happened? JERRY We don't know! PARAMEDIC Who put cookies in his mouth? JERRY AND ELAINE Cookies? PARAMEDIC You're not supposed to do that. JERRY So how'd you hit the car? GEORGE I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted. JERRY It's not even my car, it's a rental. Kramer enters. KRAMER What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you. GEORGE Woody mentioned me? What did he say? KRAMER He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?' GEORGE Should I apologize to Woody? KRAMER Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out. Mid-episode Monologue. What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, no we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody.' New scene. Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment. SID Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that. GEORGE Well I know how to drive. SID Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me. JERRY Can I get anybody anything? SID Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on? GEORGE I put my pants on, Sid. SID I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars. GEORGE Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants. SID Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars. GEORGE Maybe I could call my father. Kramer enters holding a newspaper. KRAMER Hey, you seen the paper yet? JERRY Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper. KRAMER Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer. Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend. KRAMER Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend. JERRY The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner. SID Oh lord. JERRY The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over. New scene. Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating a bag of pretzels. ELAINE Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.' JERRY Can he communicate? ELAINE Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him. JERRY Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed. ELAINE So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community. JERRY What community? There's a community? ELAINE Of course there's a community. JERRY All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea. AGENT Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars. JERRY Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so... AGENT Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident. JERRY That is right, somebody else was driving. AGENT Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car. JERRY Uh huh, what's that? AGENT You're not covered for other drivers. JERRY Other drivers? AGENT Um hm. JERRY Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something? AGENT Not that particular one. JERRY Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care. AGENT Sir, if you had read the rental agreement-- JERRY Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that? AGENT Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. JERRY These pretzels are making me thirsty. New scene. Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair and in generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup. ELAINE Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty. New scene. Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth. ELAINE Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor? JERRY An overdose of odor? Good question. GEORGE Do I smell? ELAINE No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen. JERRY Ahh. GEORGE He's alright? ELAINE Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex. The waitress brings the check. JERRY Let me get that. GEORGE No no no, I got it. JERRY Please. GEORGE No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars, JERRY Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it. Kramer enters and sits down. JERRY What are you doing here? KRAMER I got fired from the movie. GEORGE Get out of here, why? KRAMER Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered. ELAINE Aww. KRAMER Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene. Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves. JERRY Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud. (Comedy club) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there. THE END |
THE VIRGIN | THE VIRGIN Written by Peter Mehlman (Jerry and George talking near a bar.) JERRY We're dead. GEORGE We're not dead. JERRY We are dead. GEORGE Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story. JERRY All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything. GEORGE So we'll do it tomorrow. JERRY Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing? GEORGE About six years ago. JERRY I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now. GEORGE Women like skiers. JERRY So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan. GEORGE Yeah. Right. JERRY Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business. GEORGE The closet business? What's the closet business? JERRY What is it your business? GEORGE I'm interested. JERRY She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet. GEORGE So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Yeah. So what happened? JERRY So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla. MARLA (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry. JERRY George, Marla. GEORGE Marla. MARLA George. Jerry, Stacey. JERRY Stacey. STACEY Jerry. JERRY George, Stacey. GEORGE Stacey. STACEY George. JERRY George. GEORGE Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey) MARLA So, how was your trip to Berlin? JERRY Trip to Berlin? MARLA Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while. JERRY Oh, right, right. MARLA The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration. JERRY Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?" MARLA You, know my boyfriend went. JERRY Really? MARLA Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go. JERRY Oh, did he like it? MARLA I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar) GEORGE Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write. STACEY Wow, what a great job. A writer. GEORGE Not a bad way to make a buck. STACEY Sounds great. GEORGE Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away) JERRY So, are you gonna go out with her? GEORGE I might. JERRY What about Susan? GEORGE What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else? JERRY Depends. GEORGE Depends on what? JERRY On many factors. GEORGE Like what? JERRY Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily? GEORGE No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week. JERRY What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied? GEORGE Implied. JERRY She got anything in your medicine cabinet? GEORGE There might be some moisturizer. JERRY Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house? GEORGE (Pause) Yeah. JERRY Well, I'll tell you what you've got here. GEORGE What? JERRY You got yourself a girlfriend. GEORGE Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend? JERRY I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but... GEORGE Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends. JERRY You're going to make a good father someday. GEORGE Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing. JERRY Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means? GEORGE No, what? JERRY The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over. GEORGE Why? What do you mean? JERRY Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up? GEORGE Oh, right. Oh no, man. JERRY you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal. JERRY (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. GEORGE Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman. JERRY This is your plan? GEORGE No, no. I'm just thinking. JERRY I don't think you are. MARLA Let me tell you what I think. JERRY Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity. MARLA Are you very fussy about your pants? JERRY I don't think I am. MARLA Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it? JERRY Try me. MARLA Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks. JERRY Everything? MARLA Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here. JERRY You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey? KRAMER Hey. JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful. JERRY No. KRAMER What? JERRY This is not a good time. KRAMER Five minutes. What? JERRY What did you have to give your TV away to George for? KRAMER Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells. JERRY Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room) KRAMER Well, wow. JERRY Marla, Kramer. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Why don't you go out? It's nice out. KRAMER Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me. JERRY There's weather. KRAMER Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me. JERRY I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back. KRAMER No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Will you tape it? JERRY Kramer... (points to Marla) KRAMER Yeah. (He exits) JERRY So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin. MARLA Never came back. JERRY Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall. MARLA It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem. JERRY Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah? ELAINE It's me. JERRY Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What? ELAINE I didn't get it. JERRY Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem. MARLA Well, he wanted me to move in with him. JERRY Snapple? MARLA No thanks. JERRY Go on. MARLA Well I wouldn't move in because... JERRY Yes. MARLA Well because... JERRY Yeah. MARLA Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hello! JERRY Hi, um. Marla, Elaine. ELAINE I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape. JERRY Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana. ELAINE I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting. MARLA I should be going. ELAINE No, no, I'm leaving. JERRY I like that thing in your hair there. ELAINE Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple? MARLA No thanks. ELAINE I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh. MARLA I should be going. JERRY So we'll talk about the hooks then? MARLA Yes. (She exits) ELAINE What? Was it something I said? JERRY She's a virgin, she just told me. ELAINE Well I didn't know. JERRY Well it's not like spotting a toupee. ELAINE Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin? JERRY No, no, I mean... ELAINE 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves) JERRY Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah? GEORGE It's George. GEORGE She's a virgin? JERRY A virgin. GEORGE Wow. So what're you gonna do? JERRY I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy. GEORGE I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten. JERRY You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you. GEORGE You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry. JERRY Yeah, me too. GEORGE We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it? JERRY All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you. KRAMER I'm in. Let's go for it. GEORGE What do you want? KRAMER I don't care, whatever. GEORGE I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em. KRAMER Okay. What are you getting? GEORGE I'm gonna get a Chow Fung. KRAMER What's a Chow Fung? GEORGE It's a broad noodle. KRAMER What do you mean, a broad noodle? GEORGE It's a big flat noodle. KRAMER Well I don't want a big flat noodle. GEORGE What kind of noodle do you want? KRAMER Who says I want a noodle? GEORGE All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any. KRAMER All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods. GEORGE Fine. KRAMER Get extra MSG. ELAINE Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. MARLA So they just leave? ELAINE Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly. MARLA Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that. ELAINE Eh. JERRY All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting. GEORGE Where's the food? What happened to Ping? JERRY Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food. GEORGE Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler. JERRY Your butler? GEORGE Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program. JERRY What about me? GEORGE Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door) JERRY (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened? ELAINE There was a bit of an accident. PING Head hurts. Head really hurts. JERRY What happened? ELAINE Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying. GEORGE Something happened to the food? PING I only saved one bag. JERRY Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor? MARLA I'll get some ice. GEORGE (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, you got the food? JERRY Yeah, here. KRAMER What took you so long? Hey, Ping! PING Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch) KRAMER Yeah. Where's yours? GEORGE He dropped it. KRAMER Oh, that's too bad. ELAINE You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast. PING No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked. KRAMER (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah? ELAINE (To Ping) I did not jaywalk. JERRY (To George) You're givin' him back that TV. PING (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked. KRAMER (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back. PING (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you. GEORGE (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting? KRAMER (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze. JERRY A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business! GEORGE All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here. JERRY What do you mean? They know we're here. GEORGE I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back. JERRY No, no, would you get up? GEORGE I can do this, Jerry. JERRY No. GEORGE All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family. JERRY What? GEORGE That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits) WOMAN Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits) JERRY Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting) MAN #1 Hey, Jerry. JERRY Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello. RITA Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson. JERRY Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell? RITA He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom. JERRY Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits) RITA Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him. MAN #2 Where's George? JERRY Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman. SUSAN David Letterman's on the floor? JERRY Yeah, he just walked by. RITA Well, I think we should get started anyway. JERRY Yeah, good idea. RITA So how are you guys comin' along? JERRY Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas. RITA Good. (Pause) JERRY Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back? RITA So that's the idea? JERRY Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars. MAN #2 Those collars are funny! MAN #1 Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters) GEORGE You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell? RITA I'm Rita Kearson. GEORGE Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler. JERRY Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you. JERRY So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh? GEORGE No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half. KRAMER You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy. JERRY Would you give him the TV back? KRAMER Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago. GEORGE I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan) KRAMER (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up! SUSAN Hello? GEORGE Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on? SUSAN What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired! GEORGE Fired? Why? SUSAN Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone. KRAMER (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again. GEORGE But I had no... I didn't realize. SUSAN You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man! GEORGE I just feel terrible This is just terrible. KRAMER (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed. SUSAN I'll speak to you later. GEORGE (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out! JERRY Why did he fire her? GEORGE Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off! KRAMER What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge! JERRY You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her. GEORGE What? JERRY You gotta at least wait until she gets another job. GEORGE Another job? JERRY Couple of interviews. GEORGE Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in. MARLA Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex. JERRY What? Leave? Where? Why? MARLA You know, the apartment. JERRY Why would I leave? This is my apartment. MARLA Well what if it was my apartment? JERRY Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave? MARLA Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over. JERRY Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape. MARLA Maybe I should get going. JERRY What else did you say to her? ELAINE Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope. JERRY More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent. ELAINE Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me. JERRY What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you? ELAINE You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her. JERRY I was trying to be. ELAINE Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh? JERRY Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going. ELAINE Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. GEORGE What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now. WOMAN A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom. CAROL A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave) WOMAN A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me! THE END |
THE YADA YADA | THE YADA YADA Written by Peter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn (Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.) GEORGE So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday. MARCY Why? GEORGE I was naked. MARCY Oh, George. JERRY I saw it. MARCY How'd he look? JERRY Okay. I wouldn't see it again. MARCY You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub. GEORGE Really? What happened? MARCY Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up) JERRY I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada." GEORGE Is "yada yada" bad? JERRY No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct. GEORGE She is succinct. JERRY Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley. GEORGE Yeah, dentist of the stars. JERRY What's up? TIM I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew. JERRY Excuse me? TIM I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago. JERRY Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard. TIM Thanks. GEORGE Hey, where you just at the health club? TIM Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks) JERRY Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes. ELAINE So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night. JERRY Booze is not a religion. ELAINE Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me. JERRY Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage. ELAINE What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried. JERRY I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything. ELAINE Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt) KRAMER Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey? MICKEY We're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots. ELAINE Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking. KRAMER Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap. ELAINE How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other) MARCY So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial. GEORGE What a succinct story. MARCY I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac. GEORGE Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's. MARCY Are you close with your parents? GEORGE Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada... MARCY Yada what? GEORGE Yada yada yada... KAREN (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt. KRAMER Well, you too seem to have the same taste. JULIE Well I like it, too. KRAMER Well I have the same shirt. MICKEY Yeah, well I'm wearin' it. JULIE I like your shirt too. KAREN Oh, so do I. KRAMER Oh. (Waiter approaches table) WAITER Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps. MICKEY I like Merlot. KAREN I love Merlot. JULIE I'm crazy about Merlot. KRAMER I live for Merlot. WAITER We're out of Merlot. AGENT So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well? ELAINE Oh, yeah, yeah. AGENT Do you socialize with them often? ELAINE Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff. AGENT Oh. ELAINE Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake) GEORGE Oh, you're in here. JERRY What're you doing here? GEORGE I knew you had an appointment. JERRY Well this is very awkward. GEORGE I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool) JERRY Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth. GEORGE Hey, what this thing? Whew! JERRY All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter) GEORGE Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping? JERRY George... TIM Um... GEORGE Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves) TIM All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh? JERRY Hey. TIM Those aren't mahtzah balls. JERRY Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that? TIM Why not? I'm Jewish, remember? JERRY I know, but... TIM Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years. JERRY 5000. TIM 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride. JERRY And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride. ELAINE Why are you so concerned about this? JERRY I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings) PHONE Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? JERRY Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter) KRAMER I don't believe that. MICKEY If you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out. KRAMER Why were you holding the door open for? MICKEY Not for you! Who holds a door open for a man? KRAMER Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong! MICKEY Let's just put they're names in a hat. KRAMER I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left? MICKEY I'm not sure she was my type. KRAMER Oh, everybody's your type. MICKEY What the hell does that mean? KRAMER You've been married three times. MICKEY That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine) JERRY All right, take it easy. ELAINE Hey, hey, hey! KRAMER Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw! ELAINE Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to. MICKEY That's not bad. KRAMER All right, so we let the girls decide. MICKEY Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out? KRAMER Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time. MICKEY No, no one wears the shirt next time. KRAMER That's right, 'cause they already saw it. MICKEY We'll look like idiots. (They exit) GEORGE Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single. MARCY So what's she doing now? GEORGE Yada. MARCY Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today. ELAINE Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up? ARNIE Well our adoption application was denied. ELAINE Really. BETH The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper. ELAINE Oh. BETH So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent. ELAINE Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it. JERRY How you doing? FATHER I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim) TIM Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits) JERRY Whatley. (Like "Newman") KRAMER What are they doing here? MICKEY I told you we should've gotten here a half hour early. KRAMER All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do? MICKEY All right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want? KRAMER All right, I'll take Julie. MICKEY I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted. KRAMER All right, I'll take Karen. MICKEY No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen. KRAMER All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle) JERRY So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic." ELAINE You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys! JERRY Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him. ELAINE So what're you gonna do? JERRY I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch. ELAINE (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye. JERRY They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch? ELAINE Thought it would be nice. JERRY Poor Beth. ELAINE Hey, Arnie's just as upset. JERRY Oh screw him! (George enters) GEORGE Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex. ELAINE (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex. GEORGE Really? ELAINE Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. JERRY But you yada yada'd over the best part. ELAINE No, I mentioned the bisk. GEORGE Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters) KRAMER Well, I gotta do somethin'. JERRY George is already in there. KRAMER (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself. JERRY I thought you were leaning towards Julie. KRAMER I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen. GEORGE Well it was a helluva yada yada. MARCY He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada-- GEORGE All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story. MARCY Okay. GEORGE Tell me about the free facial. MARCY Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store. GEORGE Which one? MARCY Bloomingdale's. GEORGE Very good. Go on. MARCY Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch. GEORGE What's that? MARCY And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill. GEORGE Shoplifting. MARCY Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause) JERRY Excuse me, Mother? NUN Sister. JERRY Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours? NUN Well not until tomorrow. JERRY Hmm, I really need to speak with him. FATHER That's a kneeler. JERRY Oh. (Adjusts accordingly) FATHER Tell me your sins, my son. JERRY Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish. FATHER That's no sin. JERRY Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes. FATHER And this offends you as a Jewish person. JERRY No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes. FATHER Well. JERRY And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat. FATHER I haven't heard that one. JERRY Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father... FATHER One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed. JERRY You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you? FATHER Um... JERRY Newer magazines. FATHER Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.) GEORGE Jerry, I gotta talk to you. KRAMER Hi. KAREN Hi, Kramer. KRAMER Got a minute? KAREN Uh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them? KRAMER Sure. KAREN (Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad. KRAMER Hi. ARNIE Elaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there? ELAINE Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh.... ARNIE All right, shut up! ELAINE Again you are telling me to shut up? ARNIE What? ELAINE You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby. ARNIE Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth? ELAINE Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out. ARNIE All right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits) ELAINE See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling. JERRY (In pain) Oh, are you about done? TIM I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines. JERRY Huh? TIM Father Curtis told me about your little joke. JERRY What about all your Jewish jokes? TIM I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through. JERRY The Jews? TIM No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession? JERRY Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment? KRAMER So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up) JERRY Date with Karen? KRAMER No, Julie. She's the one. JERRY What happened to Karen? KRAMER Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people? JERRY Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children? KRAMER Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry. JERRY So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy. KRAMER Those people, listen to yourself. JERRY What? KRAMER You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream. JERRY Kramer, he's just a dentist. KRAMER Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. JERRY I am not an anti-dentite! KRAMER You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools. JERRY They do have their own schools! KRAMER Yeah! ELAINE One little baby, whatever you have in stock. AGENT Miss Benes... ELAINE Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way. BETH Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me. JERRY Well, what's wrong? BETH I'm thinking of leaving Arnie. JERRY Talk to me. BETH He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair? JERRY Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody. BETH But we just got married. JERRY Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on. BETH Why would Elaine do that to me? JERRY Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter) MICKEY Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news. JERRY I'm kinda in the middle of something. MICKEY Karen and I are getting married. JERRY Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart. MICKEY (To Beth) How many is that for you? BETH Two. MICKEY You're a lightweight. Come on, honey. ELAINE Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth? JERRY Beth and Arnie broke up. ELAINE So they don't want a baby? JERRY (Shaking his head no) Pff. ELAINE (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone) JERRY Hey, where's Marcy? GEORGE She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter) JERRY Hey, Kramer, over here. KRAMER I just assume not sit next to you. JERRY Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents. ELAINE Nice looking family. JERRY Very handsome. KRAMER (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing? MR. ABBOTT Hey Kramer. JULIE Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly) JERRY Hi, Mr. Abbott. MR. ABBOTT That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard. BETH What was that all about? JERRY Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion. BETH Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? JERRY What? BETH A dentist. (They laugh) JERRY That's a good one. Dentists. BETH Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile) ELAINE Where's Beth? JERRY She went out to get her head shaved. FATHER We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony. JERRY Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out. FATHER Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit) KAREN (To Kramer) I really wanted you. THE END |
THE RACE | THE RACE Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross & Larry David (Comedy club) The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning and go, "Oh my god, there's a tree inside the house! Just throw it anywhere! (Lois's office) JERRY Ready to go Lois? LOIS You really like to say my name? Don't you? JERRY Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois. LOIS Oh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry. DUNCAN Jerry Seinfeld! JERRY Duncan Meyers! LOIS You two know each other? DUNCAN Yeah! We uh, went to High School together. Didn't we Jerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot of work left to do. LOIS Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up? JERRY Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois. (Elaine's Apartment) ELAINE No, no This is all wrong. Where's the Chicken Cashew? LEW You no order Chicken Cashew. ELAINE I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this. LEW Fine Benes. We are putting you on our list. ELAINE What list? LEW The "do not deliver" list. ELAINE MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess we'll just go out. GEORGE Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily Worker? ELAINE Ned must have left it here. GEORGE Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist? ELAINE HE reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read. GEORGE Maybe he's just "very well RED"? ELAINE Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me? GEORGE Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive colored clothing? ELAINE Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little drab. GEORGE Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. "Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace. (Jerry enters) JERRY Hi oh. ELAINE and GEORGE: Hey. ELAINE Where's Lois? JERRY She couldn't make it. ===========break ======== GEORGE I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois. JERRY I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers. GEORGE Duncan Meyers? ELAINE Who's he? JERRY Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet. ELAINE Uh uh JERRY I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . . ELAINE What's that? JERRY Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher. ELAINE Oh, of course. JERRY He was down at the other end. So he yells out, "Ready, On your mark, Get set, " and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody. ELAINE No. GEORGE I looked up. I couldn't believe it. JERRY By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start. ELAINE Really? JERRY And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back. ELAINE Well what happened when you raced him again? JERRY I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run. ELAINE So now Duncan is back? JERRY He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man that's some tart cider! (In Jerry's Car - Lois gets in) LOIS Hi. JERRY Hi. LOIS Sorry I missed the Chinese food. JERRY Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan? LOIS He's okay. JERRY He say anything? LOIS About what? JERRY Oh, nothing in particular. LOIS . . . Why did you cheat in that race? JERRY I did not cheat. LOIS He said that you got a head start. JERRY Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second. LOIS Really? JERRY Yes LOIS So you WERE the fastest kid in school. JERRY Faster than a speeding bullet Lois. (Elaine's Apartment) ELAINE So how was work? Another day, another dollar? NED I guess. ELAINE Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks. . . . money money money money money money money . . . ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist? NED Yes, as a matter of fact I am. ELAINE OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything . NED Yeah, well, we still got China, and Cuba, ELAINE Yeah, but come on . . . NED I know it's not the same. ELAINE Well, you had a good run, what was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous. NED Yeah, we had a good run. ELAINE Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses) ha ha uh ha (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE So you lied to her? JERRY I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that head start. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Well, I'm dating a communist. JERRY Wow, a communist. That's something. ELAINE Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it? GEORGE Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker? JERRY The Daily Worker has personal ads? GEORGE And they say appearance is not important. ELAINE Yours or hers? (Kramer enters dressed as Santa) KRAMER Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas. JERRY Wow, look at you. So you got the job. KRAMER Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store. ELAINE Oh, congratulations (Mickey enters) MICKEY Come on get your bead on. We're going to be late. KRAMER On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna. MICKEY Not Donna, it's Donner. KRAMER Donna! MICKEY Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet. JERRY Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye. GEORGE What's up? JERRY Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me. GEORGE He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story. JERRY That's not bad. GEORGE Not bad? It's gorgeous! (Coleman's Department Store) KRAMER Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess, tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy. MOMICKEY She doesn't speak English (with a Swedish accent). KRAMER Santa speaks the language of all children. A notchie watchie dotchie do. (Child cries and reaches for her mom) KRAMER A dotchie cotchie dochie, KRAMER Het, Mickey when do we get a break? My lap is killing me. MICKEY There is no break. KRAMER A sweat shop. (Elaine and commie enter) KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. (Kid sits on Kramer's lap and they both slide to the floor) (Yankee Stadium) ADA Natalie on line 2. GEORGE Natalie? ADA From the Daily Worker. GEORGE Thank you. (ADA leaves but listens at the door) GEORGE Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a business office but I'm not a business man per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system. (Coleman's Department Store) ILENE Elaine. ELAINE Ilene. ILENE Hi. ELAINE Hello. ILENE Doing a little Christmas shopping? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a communist. ILENE Oh, really? ELAINE Yep . . . a big communist, a big big communist. ILENE Oh, well, it's awfully nice to see you. See you later. ELAINE Bye bye ELAINE Hey, listen while we're here why don't we do a little shirt shopping? NED Out of the question. ELAINE Um. Kramer! KRAMER Hi ELAINE Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned KRAMER Oh, hey, hi buddy. ELAINE You guys stay here, I'll be right back. KRAMER Eight hours of jingle belling and ho ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out. NED Anyone who works here is a sap. (Mickey attacks Ned) MICKEY Watch it! KRAMER Woah, woah, come on. NED You understand the Santa's at Bloomfields are making double what you are? KRAMER Double? NED I bet the beard itches doesn't it? KRAMER You got that straight. NED So when you get a rash all over your face in January do you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan? MICKEY Look, you take that commie crap out into the street. NED Kramer, I've got some literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking. KRAMER Talk to me baby. MICKEY Don't listen to him Kramer, you've got a good job here. (Monks) DUNCAN But there's no way you could have beaten me by that much. I already beaten you in Junior High School three times. JERRY I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race? (George enters) DUNCAN That's what I've always wondered about. JERRY Well, I . . . (sees George) GEORGE Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry! JERRY I'm sorry, uh, GEORGE George, George Costanza! JERRY Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High. GEORGE Yes yes yes This is unbelievable. DUNCAN Hi, George GEORGE Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years? JERRY This is Lois. LOIS Hello. GEORGE So what have you been doing with yourself? JERRY I'm I'm a comedian. GEORGE Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice?" this kind of stuff. JERRY Yeah, yeah GEORGE It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now. JERRY Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. JERRY You really used to have a think full head of hair. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one. JERRY yeah, yeah. LOIS What do you do? GEORGE I'm an architect. LOIS Have you designed any buildings in New York? GEORGE Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? LOIS You did that? GEORGE Yep. And it didn't take very long either. JERRY Well you've really built yourself up into something. GEORGE Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry. JERRY Well, one cannot help( but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this. GEORGE Well, I like to stay in touch with the people. JERRY Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas? GEORGE You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again. JERRY George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long. GEORGE Ha, uh, JERRY I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race. GEORGE Oh, the big race. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Yes, yes,. LOIS You were there? GEORGE Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher. DUNCAN Miss Stafford? GEORGE Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . . JERRY George! GEORGE But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone. JERRY Did I get a head start? GEORGE Head start, oh no absolutely not. JERRY You satisfied? So you see? DUNCAN No, I'm still not convinced and I never will be. LOIS Why don't the two of you just race again? DUNCAN That's a good idea. JERRY No, no, no, another race - out of the question. DUNCAN I know, you've been saying that for twenty years because you know you can't beat me. You couldn't beat me then and you can't beat me now. LOIS Race him Jerry. Race him. JERRY All right! I'll do it. The race is on. (Jerry's apartment) ELAINE . . . shut up! (?) JERRY And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus (Street) KRAMER Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. MICKEY What does that mean? KRAMER Well, if you've got needs and abilities that's a pretty good combination. MICKEY So what if I want to open up a delicatessen? KRAMER There are no delicatessens under Communism. MICKEY Why not? KRAMER Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got Pastrami and Corned Beef in one class and Salami and Bologna in another. That's not right. MICKEY So you can't get Corned Beef? KRAMER Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe. (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE (on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office. JERRY So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. You just called the woman for a date. (Phone rings) JERRY Hello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run! (Elaine's Apartment) NED I'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy. ELAINE Just because you're a communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous. Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist? NED All right, I'll try it on. ELAINE I'm going to order Chinese Food. NED You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right? ELAINE Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's. I kind of had a fight with him. NED Elaine, when my father was black listed he couldn't work for years. He and his friends used to sit at Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive. ELAINE You're father was blacklisted? NED Yes he was, and you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. They "named names". ELAINE Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G. LEW I know that address. You're Benes, right. You're on our list. No more delivery. ELAINE No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else. LEW Oh, yeah. What's the name? ELAINE Why do you need the name? You already have the address. LEW We need a name. Give us a name. ELAINE Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff. (Coleman's Department Store) KID I want a racing car set. KRAMER Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it at triple the cost. KID But I want a racing car set. KRAMER You see kid, you're being bamboozaled. These capatalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys. KID Hey, this guy's a COMMIE! MICKEY Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh? KID Commie, Commie, Commie . . . (unknown) . MICKEY Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa! STORE MANAGER Is there a problem here? KRAMER ho ho ho ho. KID This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda. STORE MANAGER Oh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're through. The both of ya' MICKEY I got two kids in college. KRAMER You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus. STORE MANAGER Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here. (Jerry's Car) JERRY Hi how are you? LOIS . . . Fine. JERRY What's the matter? LOIS I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me. JERRY What? He can't do that. LOIS Yes he can. He controls the means of production. What are you going to do Jerry? JERRY Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something. (Elaine's Apartment) LEW Ah, I knew it was you! You tried to trick Hop Sing! You are onour list; Elaine Benes! And now you are on our list; Ned Isakoff. NED You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's? LEW She named name! (Steinbrenner's Office) GEORGE You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? STEINBRENNER Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist. GEORGE C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost. STEINBRENNER You know George, it struck me today me that a Communistpipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be thegreatest thing ever to happen to this organization. GEORGE Sir? STEINBRENNER You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at; something Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown to Havana right away. GEORGE Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best. STEINBRENNER Good, Merry Christmas George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro, I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown, almost like a milky coffee. (George exits) I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters which I don't really understand that well... (On the Street) MICKEY That was quick! Nice job, Santa! KRAMER Yeah, MICKEY I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble. KRAMER Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue. MICKEY Communism, You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee. K I guess I screwed up! MICKEY You sure did. Big time. (Street - race begins) ELAINE How do you feel? JERRY I need a miracle. DUNCAN Now you're going to see what kind of liar you're mixed up with. LOIS If he beats you I want a big raise. DUNCAN If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks. KRAMER I parked in front of that restaurant . As soon as this race is over I got to go to the airport. GEORGE Okay, all right, all right. MR. BEVILACQUA You ready boys? JERRY Yes, Mr. Beviacqua MR. BEVILACQUA Okay, this is hoiw it works. You take your marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK - GET SET - and then fire. You got it? DUNCAN and JERRY: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua. (Kramer enters his car) (Mr. Bevilacqua raises gun) MR. BEVILACQUA READY - ON YOUR MARK (Kramer's car backfires) (Jerry is off early and wins the race - the crowd goes crazy - ) LOIS So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry? JERRY Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will. (Jerry winks at camera like in the Superman movie) (Havana) (George enters Castro's office (like Steinbrenner) GEORGE You wanted to see me, El Presidente? CASTRO Si, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure out) Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh? GEORGE Si, si. CASTRO Ordinarily I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh? GEORGE Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy. CASTRO Well good, then you can have your pick. GEORGE Oh, oh! CASTRO They will play for your Yankees. GEORGE Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy. CASTRO And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there and, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one. THE END |
THE FUSILLI JERRY | THE FUSILLI JERRY Written by Marjorie Gross (Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building) JERRY I hear you're going out with David Putty. ELAINE Yeah. What, is it a problem? JERRY Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine. ELAINE Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years. JERRY Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible. ELAINE Oh, god. JERRY The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic. ELAINE Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is. JERRY All right. (At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus) GEORGE Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day. ESTELLE So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur. GEORGE You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture. ESTELLE So, I'm getting an eye job. GEORGE An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job. ESTELLE Georgie, I'm a divorcee. GEORGE No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're---you're a separatee. ESTELLE Well, I'm out there, George. GEORGE No, you're not out there. ESTELLE I am, too! GEORGE You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence! ESTELLE Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up. GEORGE Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run--- ESTELLE This is the only time the doctor *has*. (Kramer walks by their table on his way out) GEORGE Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat) KRAMER Hi, little buddy. GEORGE Come on over and sit down. KRAMER Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere. GEORGE No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun... KRAMER All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the cheek) ESTELLE So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job. KRAMER Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now. GEORGE She's not out there! KRAMER So, who is your doctor? ESTELLE Uh, Bakersoll. KRAMER (whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban. GEORGE Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday? KRAMER Tuesday? Uh... GEORGE Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like. ESTELLE Oh, I don't care. KRAMER Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates. GEORGE Well, giddy-up! (At the motor vehicle bureau...) KRAMER Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer. CLERK Kramer.... (checks computer) All right... KRAMER All righty... CLERK Sign right here, please. (hands over clipboard) KRAMER (signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake. CLERK What's your name again? KRAMER Cosmo Kramer. CLERK (checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman. KRAMER No! I'm not the Assman. CLERK Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are. (Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates attached) (Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand, is looking somewhat, preoccupied) DAVID How do you feel? ELAINE Fine. DAVID Something the matter? ELAINE No. DAVID Then what is it? ELAINE No, nothing. (Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at the booth) JERRY Hi. ELAINE I was with David *Putty* last night. JERRY Yeah, so. ELAINE He did the move. JERRY What move? ELAINE You know...*the* move. JERRY Wait a second. *My* move? (Elaine nods). JERRY David Putty used *my* move? ELAINE Yes, yes. JERRY Are you sure? ELAINE Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move. JERRY I can't believe it. He *stole* my move. ELAINE What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat! JERRY Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area. ELAINE Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs? JERRY Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it. ELAINE Well, wait---wait a second. JERRY What? ELAINE Isn't that a little...rash? JERRY No! He stole my move! ELAINE Yeah, but...*I* like the move. JERRY Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material. ELAINE Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*! JERRY Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted. ELAINE You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic. JERRY I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York. (Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar at the newsstand) JERRY ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine. GEORGE You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite. JERRY Can I just get it opened first? GEORGE I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo. JERRY All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar). GEORGE (takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good. JERRY You feel better? GEORGE Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making. JERRY Nancy Klopper? GEORGE Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it. JERRY All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before--- GEORGE Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault. JERRY It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used--- GEORGE You're gonna tell me...or not. JERRY All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard. GEORGE I got a headboard. JERRY Is it padded? GEORGE No. JERRY Good. How tall is she? GEORGE Five-foot four. Why? JERRY You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck. GEORGE I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this. JERRY George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again. Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject) JERRY Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous. GEORGE Is it a clockwise swirl? JERRY I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone. (Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind). KRAMER Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry). JERRY What is it? KRAMER *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone? JERRY When did you do this? KRAMER In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual. JERRY Oh... Why Fusilli? KRAMER Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah... JERRY Well, thank you very much. GEORGE So, did you get your new plates? KRAMER Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates. GEORGE What do they say? KRAMER Assman. JERRY Assman? KRAMER Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman! JERRY Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? GEORGE Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's. JERRY It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass. KRAMER Yeah, or it could be a proctologist. JERRY Yeah. Proctologist. GEORGE Come on! No doctor would put that on his car. KRAMER Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in THE SAME WAY "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one." (A phone rings in the distant) KRAMER Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves) GEORGE So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry) JERRY I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it. (We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in) JERRY Hey, David. DAVID Oh, hi, Jerry. JERRY Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move. DAVID What move? JERRY What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine. DAVID You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending. JERRY The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*. DAVID Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist. JERRY Swirl. DAVID Whatever. I don't even do it. JERRY Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*. DAVID Yeah, that's right. JERRY You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack. DAVID Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work. JERRY Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city. DAVID All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take *that* out of town. JERRY Fine. DAVID Good! (While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking noise) (We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.) NANCY Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath the covers) What are you doing? GEORGE (pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you. NANCY Well, stop it! GEORGE You don't like the move? NANCY No. I don't. GEORGE You're kidding. NANCY No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body. GEORGE Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine. (Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...) ELAINE Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes! DAVID No, I'm sorry. ELAINE What?!! DAVID I can't do the move. ELAINE What? DAVID Oh, he's ruined it for me. ELAINE Oh, oh, come on, please? DAVID No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore. ELAINE Oh, so---so that's it? DAVID I'll come up with some new stuff. (Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield and reads it...) KRAMER "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car). (Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office) DR. BAKERSOLL I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at least ten day. You can ruin the operation. ESTELLE Oh, okay. DR. BAKERSOLL Now, is someone coming to pick you up? ESTELLE Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute. (In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only" space) SECURITY GUARD Can I help you? KRAMER Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology. SECURITY GUARD Oh, oh, okay. Sure... KRAMER Thanks. Have a good day. (Kramer is driving Estelle home) KRAMER I just can't get over how fantastic you look. ESTELLE Oh, really? KRAMER Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off. ESTELLE And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages. (As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the Assman!" Kramer waves). ESTELLE Did he say "Assman"? KRAMER Oh, yeah. ESTELLE Oh my goodness. "Hey, the Assman's in town!") KRAMER You got that straight! ESTELLE Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference. (Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm out in front of Estelle.) (Back to Jerry's apartment) JERRY You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl? GEORGE Supposed to close with the swirl? JERRY Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down. GEORGE Yeah, yeah, should've written it down. (Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it) JERRY Yeah? BUZZER Elaine. JERRY C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name. (The phone rings) JERRY Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye. GEORGE What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you. JERRY Except that it's not Putty. GEORGE What happened to Putty? JERRY Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me. GEORGE Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on." (Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved) JERRY Hey, Elaine. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, hello. JERRY Is it something I said? ELAINE Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore. JERRY Really? ELAINE Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing. JERRY What is it? ELAINE Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*. JERRY Huh. ELAINE I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing! GEORGE Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way? ELAINE Yes. As a matter of fact, there is. GEORGE I think that's mine. ELAINE I'm not surprised. JERRY Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him? ELAINE Why? JERRY You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me. ELAINE An estimate? How am I supposed to do that? JERRY Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order) ELAINE (takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this? JERRY That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry. ELAINE Fusilli Jerry? JERRY Yeah. Kramer made it. GEORGE All right, listen, I'll see you guys later. (As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion) JERRY Hey, Assman! KRAMER Hey, well, this is Sally. SALLY Hello. JERRY Hi. ELAINE Hi. KRAMER Shall we go? SALLY Okay. (turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her hips) (Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face) (Back at the Costanzas' house...) ESTELLE You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself. FRANK You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*. ESTELLE Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do. FRANK I got things to do, too. ESTELLE Don't upset me! I can't cry! FRANK Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh? ESTELLE Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me. FRANK Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy. ESTELLE I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab. FRANK He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him! (Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do best) ELAINE Hey, let me ask you a question. DAVID Sure. ELAINE What do you charge for blown shocks? DAVID What? ELAINE Two, three hundred? DAVID I don't know. Maybe five hundred. ELAINE Ah. (They go back to kissing) ELAINE What about a bad gasket? DAVID Bad gasket? ELAINE Yeah. Like a terrible gasket. DAVID What is all this? ELAINE Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do. DAVID What kind of car is it? ELAINE Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car. DAVID All together, that could run about sixteen hundred. ELAINE Oh. (Kiss again) ELAINE Is that with the parts and labor? DAVID Uh-huh. ELAINE Hmm. (Kiss...again) ELAINE Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle.... (Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly surprised...) NANCY Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*. GEORGE It just came to me. NANCY I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that? GEORGE You mean in the end? NANCY Uh-huh. GEORGE A counter-clockwise swirl. (Spotting something on George's hand) NANCY What's that? GEORGE What? NANCY On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand. GEORGE Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt. NANCY Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna see what's on your hand. (They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries to make out the scribble) NANCY Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?!! GEORGE It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all. NANCY Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of bed) GEORGE You know, it's not the S.A.T.s! (Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out the plates) FRANK Assman? I'll get him, Assman! (Back to Jerry's apartment) JERRY Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off. ELAINE So what are you going to do? JERRY Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this. ELAINE Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore? JERRY Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex. (There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it) JERRY Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...? FRANK Where's your friend Kramer? JERRY I don't know. Why? FRANK Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short. JERRY What do you mean? FRANK In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I stopped short. JERRY Really, stopping short. That's a good move. FRANK You're not kidding it's a good move! (Kramer walks in.) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey, Frank. FRANK Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife! KRAMER C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about. (Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor) FRANK You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the profits on the Manssierre with you. KRAMER Bro. FRANK Manssierre! KRAMER Bro! FRANK Manssierre! You...! (Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right on top of the Fusilli Jerry) FRANK Aah!!! JERRY Oh, my god! (Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that very moment) (At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word on Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock) JERRY If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. ELAINE Me either. GEORGE They say this guy's the best. JERRY He had to use cork-screw pasta. (At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots something...) KRAMER Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. (Jerry joins him) KRAMER The name on the boat. Look at it. JERRY Assman! KRAMER Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, *he's* the Assman! (The doctor walks in) DOCTOR Which one is the son? GEORGE (stands up) I am. DOCTOR Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine. (Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.) KRAMER Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates? DR. COOPERMAN Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out. KRAMER So...you're the Assman. (Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting) FRANK It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one. (Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in) ESTELLE Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours! FRANK I fell on some Fusilli. ESTELLE Fusilli? FRANK You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist. ESTELLE The proctologist? Are you okay? FRANK Yeah. ESTELLE Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple of tissues from the box) GEORGE Ma, don't cry! ESTELLE Oh, I can't help it! GEORGE Ma, your eyes! ESTELLE Oh! THE END |
THE TAPE | THE TAPE Written by Larry David, Bob Shaw & Don McEnery (Comedy club) JERRY ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost the Zest." ....rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt. Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry doing work with headphones on. REPAIRMAN .....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical. JERRY Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him ) REPAIRMAN So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration JERRY Oh! well whatever you have to do. REPAIRMAN I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor. JERRY (sarcastically) No you don't.. George enters the apartment. GEORGE Hey! what are listening to? JERRY My show from last night. GEORGE Oh! you taped it? JERRY Yeah , I was doing new material. GEORGE Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said . JERRY Huh? GEORGE Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. JERRY The" coup d�-toe" GEORGE Yeah. Did you do it? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE So? JERRY Nothin'.....nothing at all. GEORGE Need to use the phone. JERRY Who you calling? GEORGE China. JERRY China really? GEORGE Yeah. I'll pay for it. JERRY What for? GEORGE What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair. JERRY Hair? GEORGE The Chinese have done it my friend . The Chinese have done it. JERRY Done what? GEORGE Discovered a cure for baldness. REPAIRMAN Did you see that last night? GEORGE It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness. JERRY ( to Kramer) What's this? KRAMER Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist. GEORGE Is that the guy who likes fat women? JERRY Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism. KRAMER ( to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night. GEORGE I did, I'm trying to call China. KRAMER You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there Jerry; Oh! my God!.... GEORGE What? JERRY Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this. GEORGE (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god... KRAMER Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head) GEORGE Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman? JERRY I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on. GEORGE This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this? KRAMER All right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off) GEORGE WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder? JERRY It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it. GEORGE My god!!! KRAMER C'mon it's my turn. GEORGE All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is? JERRY Good question. KRAMER Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!! Cut to Monks GEORGE What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? JERRY If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen. ELAINE Hi boys. BOTH Hello... ELAINE What's happening? JERRY Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction. GEORGE This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder...... JERRY (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!! GEORGE What?? JERRY The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure. GEORGE I thought you meant the.. JERRY No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure. ELAINE What did she say? PETER Seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk) JERRY Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table) ELAINE So did you hear this message? GEORGE Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable ELAINE Really! GEORGE Yeah. I can't get over it. ELAINE Huh! Sexy? GEORGE This woman drove us out of our minds ELAINE Like ...humm...How did she sound? GEORGE She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper. ELAINE Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa..... GEORGE Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?.... ELAINE Shhhhhh!!! GEORGE how did ya?... ELAINE I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What? GEORGE Oh! no no nothing.... ELAINE Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this. GEORGE I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality.. ELAINE Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing? GEORGE Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing Jerry comes back JERRY Remember Peter? GEORGE Peter? JERRY You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him. ELAINE So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder? JERRY Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say? ELAINE I don't know. JERRY She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about. ELAINE Oh! really. JERRY Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business. ELAINE So what, Are you gonna ask her out. JERRY No I can't she didn't leave her name or number. ELAINE Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off. GEORGE Wh.. Where you going? ELAINE Home. GEORGE Why you going home for? ELAINE Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place. JERRY Sure. Back to Jerry's GEORGE Oh! my god. Oh! man... JERRY I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her. ELAINE (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge. GEORGE (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing? JERRY Why are you doing this? GEORGE Why do I do anything? tsss...For women. JERRY Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man? ELAINE No. JERRY You know what that makes you?...A baldist. GEORGE Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English? ELAINE ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping. KRAMER Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly) ELAINE Aah! Okaaay. KRAMER Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West side" ELAINE ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'? KRAMER I'm doin' fine. GEORGE Do you speak English?...English!! KRAMER Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes? JERRY Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work. GEORGE English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English. KRAMER So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine? GEORGE In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him. Door buzzer rings KRAMER That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine? GEORGE (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno. KRAMER So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated? ELAINE Oh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract. GEORGE All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English KRAMER ( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you? PING $15.90. KRAMER $15.90.? GEORGE Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese? PING Chinese....Yeah. GEORGE Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order. PING (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at George and laughs) GEORGE They got a billion people over there and he found a relative. PING Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream. GEORGE They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work? PING Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin GEORGE Ask' em Are there any side effects? PING Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....( makes a just kidding gesture) GEORGE Aw! Funny he's a funny guy. PING Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check. George leaves all excited. PING (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher... JERRY ( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me ( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call. On a street at night in George's car ELAINE Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this? GEORGE Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in? ELAINE Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something? GEORGE yeah....euh...I dunno What? ELAINE Pffft....there's really nothing to do. GEORGE ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah..... ELAINE Do you think of anything?.. GEORGE No, no....(mumbles) ELAINE I am up for anything. GEORGE Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented. ELAINE I was just kiddin, around....... GEORGE I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny. ELAINE ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?. George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything. ELAINE Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride. Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath. Back to Jerry's. JERRY ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely... KRAMER What is that? JERRY That's my cockney accent. KRAMER Naw ,na , that's no good. JERRY Lets hear yours. KRAMER Not bloody likely.. JERRY That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got. George; Guess, what I got. JERRY Oh! Is that the bald stuff? GEORGE From China. All the way from China. KRAMER Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera. GEORGE No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese. JERRY Yes I am skeptical. GEORGE Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people. KRAMER W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right. JERRY Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help.... GEORGE All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom) KRAMER He's a happy camper huh? JERRY Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough. Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house. JERRY Yeah. KRAMER My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud JERRY No kidding? KRAMER He's in jail. JERRY What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him? KRAMER That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head) JERRY You can see it. You gonna walk around like that? KRAMER It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink. JERRY How long are you suppose to leave it on for? GEORGE All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up) JERRY Hello. ELAINE It's Elaine Marie Benes. JERRY Well Hello.. ELAINE Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was? JERRY Yes , I got her number. GEORGE Is that Elaine? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE HI ELAINE... ELAINE I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night? JERRY Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business ELAINE Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by? GEORGE Did she say Hello? JERRY What? I dunno. GEORGE I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back? JERRY I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos. GEORGE Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello? JERRY She's coming up. GEORGE Elaine's coming up? JERRY Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom) KRAMER How often do you cut your toe nails? JERRY I would say every two and a half to eight weeks. KRAMER 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe. JERRY The big toe; The captain. KRAMER What? Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello. ELAINE Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it. JERRY Okay....too bad. ELAINE So humm....When you gonna call her? JERRY Soon as I get off the phone wih you. ELAINE Good luck. JERRY okay , bye ( to George) What happened , did you take it off? GEORGE Yeah, that was enough. JERRY That's it, you gave up? GEORGE No No I'm working on a system...Who was that? JERRY That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over. As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom one more time. ALICIA Hello. JERRY Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld. ALICIA Yeah. JERRY This is Jerry Seinfeld. Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with Alicia JERRY (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the Pull Back. Door buzzer JERRY Yeah.. GEORGE It's George. JERRY Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now? KRAMER So , you blew it? JERRY She must be psychotic or something. KRAMER Let me have her number. JERRY I'm not giving you her number. KRAMER I know how to handle these psychotics. George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat. JERRY Sheriff?........What's with the hat? KRAMER (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink. JERRY What are doing here now? GEORGE I have to talk to you about something . KRAMER All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape. GEORGE Aahh..No..No.. JERRY What's up? GEORGE I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds. JERRY So just start it. GEORGE I can't. JERRY Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about? GEORGE All right.........I've become attracted to Elaine.. Kramer burst in with is video setup. Kramer; All right....Sit down George. GEORGE Kramer, can we do this later.. KRAMER No, I got the tape right here. JERRY Kramer, let's do this later. KRAMER (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think ,that I see. a couple of buds right here. GEORGE Really? ..You think. JERRY Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please. KRAMER 'bout what? JERRY It's kinda private. KRAMER Like the big toe captain.. GEORGE So now you're doing my bits? JERRY I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!! KRAMER Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves) JERRY Does she know? GEORGE NO!! JERRY How did it happen? GEORGE I can't say. JERRY Well, why can't you say it? GEORGE Because I promised her. JERRY I thought you just said she doesn't know?? GEORGE She doesn't. JERRY So how can you promise her? GEORGE Because she asked me to. JERRY What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine? GEORGE All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder. JERRY What, Elaine? GEORGE Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke. JERRY (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine... GEORGE Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones) JERRY Wait a second. .Just give me a second GEORGE You heard it fifty times already. JERRY She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence Door Buzzer JERRY Yeaaaah!!! ELAINE Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time? George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again. GEORGE ( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything , she'll kill me!! JERRY Okay, Okay ,I promise. ( puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly) ELAINE ( Concerned) What's the matter? JERRY Oooh! I got a pain in my side. ELAINE ( to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods) JERRY What are you doing here? ELAINE I was the one who talked into your tape recorder. Jerry; I know, George told me. Elaine; You told him!!!! GEORGE He..He threatened me. JERRY Where did you come up with all that stuff? ELAINE That was nothing. GEORGE Elaine.. I have to tell you something... JERRY George NO!! GEORGE No no no no no no no.. JERRY George I'm telling ya.. ELAINE What is it? GEORGE I'm very attracted to you.. JERRY Aye...... Kramer comes in and yells KRAMER I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this. GEORGE Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I... Credits start to roll KRAMER Whoa!!!....That was you? ELAINE It was a joke... KRAMER Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is you. ELAINE Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons ,all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going... GEORGE Heuh. huh. Stick around a while. JERRY It's early. KRAMER We'll order Chinese. She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder. THE END |
THE ENGAGEMENT | THE ENGAGEMENT Written by Larry David (George's Apartment) GEORGE Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good. LIZ Checkmate. GEORGE I don't think we should see each other any more. (At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.) (dogs barking) ELAINE Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt. (Monk's) JERRY And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick. GEORGE I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason. JERRY Yeah, what else? GEORGE All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy? JERRY Happy, Pappy? What does that mean? GEORGE Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?" JERRY Oh, you're "Pappy". GEORGE I'm "Pappy". JERRY Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it? GEORGE Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" while you were watching TV. JERRY Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"! GEORGE What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here. JERRY Ahh. GEORGE What? JERRY What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing? GEORGE What? JERRY OUR LIVES!! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men. GEORGE No, we're not. We're not men. JERRY We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women. GEORGE I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do. JERRY Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots? GEORGE We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty. JERRY We're pathetic.. you know that? GEORGE Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic. JERRY Why can't I be normal? GEORGE Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal. JERRY It would be nice to care about someone. GEORGE Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember Susan? The one that used to work for NBC? JERRY Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian. GEORGE No. It didn't take. JERRY Oh. GEORGE Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great. JERRY Hmm. GEORGE You thought she was good looking, right? JERRY See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think? GEORGE I was just curious. JERRY Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE I am really gonna make some changes. GEORGE Yes. Changes. JERRY I'm serious about it. GEORGE Think I'M not? JERRY I'm not kidding. GEORGE Me too. (At Jerry's. He's on the phone) JERRY Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey! KRAMER What? JERRY I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today. KRAMER Really? JERRY We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men. KRAMER So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?" JERRY Yes. We did. KRAMER Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't. JERRY There isn't? KRAMER Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? JERRY Well... KRAMER They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now? JERRY Really? KRAMER Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating. JERRY I can? KRAMER Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner? JERRY What? KRAMER You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day? JERRY Boy. KRAMER It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs.. JERRY I'm glad we had this talk. KRAMER Oh, you have no idea. (Apiphany - on the pier) GEORGE La-la-la... (Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just dragged in) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog. KRAMER What dog? KRAMER Yeah. What dog? ELAINE This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking.. KRAMER Don't... ELAINE I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do? KRAMER Well, there is something you can do. ELAINE What? Kramer:, I'll do anything. KRAMER Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident? JERRY You're going to rub out the dog? KRAMER No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations. ELAINE Uh-huh. JERRY What, you're considering this? KRAMER Look, just meet with him. ?????. (Newman's - dark and dangerous) ELAINE I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything. NEWMAN Of course. Obviously. ELAINE Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time. NEWMAN What kind of dog did you say it was? ELAINE Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it. NEWMAN I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across. NEWMAN If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS . . . KRAMER Newman! Stop it!! NEWMAN Anyway. ELAINE Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do? NEWMAN Well, Elaine, there's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be? ELAINE No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't. KRAMER I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt. NEWMAN Yeah, I suppose. KRAMER Huh? ELAINE I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know. NEWMAN Of course. Take your time. I'll be here. is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.) GEORGE La-la-la-la-la-la-la! (flashbacks to Susan) (Elaine's - makes phone call) ELAINE All right. Let's do it. NEWMAN Excellent. Excellent. (Restaurant) JERRY How come you're eating your peas one at a time? Melanie I'm sorry. (Susan's) SUSAN Who is it? GEORGE It's George:. SUSAN George:? George:, what is it? GEORGE Will you marry me? (George is on the phone.) GEORGE Ma, guess what! MRS. C Oh, my god! GEORGE No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married. MRS. C You're what? GEORGE I'm getting married? MRS. C Oh, my god! You're getting married? GEORGE Yes! MRS. C Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come here. FRANK You come here. MRS. C Georgie's getting married. FRANK What? MRS. C Georgie's getting married. Frank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married? Mrs. C Yes. Frank To a woman? MRS. C Of course to a woman. What's she look like? FRANK I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous. GEORGE What difference does it make what she looks like? MRS. C Is she pretty? GEORGE Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make? MRS. C Oh, I'm just curious. FRANK She's not pretty? MRS. C Let me talk to her. GEORGE She wants to talk to you. SUSAN : Uh, hello? MRS. C Congratulations! SUSAN : I just want you to know that I love your son very much. MRS. C You do? SUSAN : Yes. Mrs. C Really? SUSAN : Yes. MRS. C May I ask why? Frank Okay... MRS. C Will you stop. I'm on the telephone. FRANK Can I talk to her, please? (Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.) JERRY Hey! KRAMER Hey! JERRY What are you up to? KRAMER Nothing. JERRY What's the rope for? KRAMER Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go. JERRY The dog. You're getting the dog. GEORGE Hey, Kramer:, where are you going? KRAMER Out. GEORGE Don't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it. JERRY Did what? GEORGE I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan: to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas. JERRY You're getting married? GEORGE Yes! JERRY Oh, my god! GEORGE I'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life. JERRY I'm blown away. GEORGE You're blown? JERRY Wow! GEORGE You like that? JERRY And she said "Yes"? GEORGE It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right? JERRY You're gonna have gorgeous kids. GEORGE Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow.. JERRY Pinkish hue? GEORGE Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening? JERRY Well...actually, we kind of broke up. GEORGE You what? JERRY Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. 4But she scooped them. GEORGE . . . she scooped her niblets? JERRY Yes. That's what was so vexing. GEORGE Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact? JERRY What? GEORGE What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. 9Did you not shake my hand on it uh? JERRY You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married. GEORGE Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh... JERRY You thought I was gonna get married? GEORGE Well, maybe not married, but... JERRY I mean, you love Susan: , right? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY You want to spend the rest of your life with her GEORGE . . . . . . Yeah. JERRY So? GEORGE Yeah. It doesn't make any difference. JERRY No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight. GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne? GEORGE Champagne? JERRY Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on! GEORGE Okay! Alright! JERRY You know what? No champagne. . . . I'll see you later. GEORGE Yeah. (Night outside) ELAINE That's it. That's it. Stop right here. NEWMAN All right, give me the rope. ELAINE What? What do you need a rope for? NEWMAN Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you. ELAINE I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this. NEWMAN I knew you'd back out. ELAINE Kramer:, are we doing a bad thing? KRAMER Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a real favor. ELAINE Yeah. That's him. NEWMAN All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running. 's.) JERRY Ready? GEORGE Um, I don't uh, really think I can go. JERRY Oh, how come? GEORGE Well, I didn't really tell Susan: about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do. JERRY Well, she could come. GEORGE Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm. JERRY Oh. GEORGE She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart. JERRY Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good. GEORGE Yeah. see you later. JERRY Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex. SUSAN George, better get read GEORGE I am ready. SUSAN You wearing that shirt?. GEORGE Okay, I guess I'll see you down there. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Okay. (In the van.) ELAINE What time you got? KRAMER Oh, no. I don't wear a watch. ELAINE What do you do? KRAMER Well, I tell time by the sun. ELAINE How close do you get? KRAMER Well, I can guess within an hour. ELAINE Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Well, what about at night? What do you do then? KRAMER Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours. NEWMAN Let's go. Let's go. Move! KRAMER You got it? NEWMAN What do you think? Drive. Drive. ELAINE Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog? NEWMAN Yep. ELAINE But he's so small. NEWMAN Yeah, but he's a fighter. ELAINE That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one? NEWMAN Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard. ELAINE How could that be the dog? KRAMER Well, get him to bark. ELAINE Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks. NEWMAN All right. Bark. ELAINE Bark. NEWMAN Bark. (At the theater) SUSAN Did you like it? GEORGE Yes, it was very, very good. SUSAN Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again? GEORGE Oh, I sure hope so. JERRY How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling? FRIEND What about that underwater escape? JERRY Oh, man! (In the van) KRAMER Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it. NEWMAN ??????? ELAINE You think we're far enough. NEWMAN We're practically to Monticello. KRAMER Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's. JERRY 's on the phone with his newly imprisoned buddy, Georgie. GEORGE Hello? JERRY Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this? GEORGE They are? SUSAN George:, you coming to bed? I'm taping mad About You. GEORGE Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute. JERRY What was that? GEORGE Uh, nothing. I got to go. JERRY Oh, Mattingly just sinled . GEORGE You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal. JERRY I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand. GEORGE Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from. JERRY We come from the same place. SUSAN George:, I'm starting it. GEORGE I got to go. (At the pooch's pad. ) Lady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's. (Elaine's bedroom - dog barking) ELAINE No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible. 's. ) ELAINE I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way. JERRY Very strange. ELAINE I know. JERRY So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind? ELAINE Oh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy. JERRY All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news. ELAINE News? What news? JERRY Sorry! ELAINE What? What? JERRY All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock. ELAINE Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please, please, please, please! JERRY George Costanza... ELAINE Yeah? JERRY Is getting married! ELAINE Get out! (Outside kramer's apartmen) KRAMER Hi. COP You Cosmo Kramer:? KRAMER Uh, yes. Yeah. COP You recognize this piece of fabric? KRAMER Oh, yeah, that's... COP What? KRAMER What? COP You're under arrest. KRAMER Arrest? COP I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side.. JERRY Newman: . 's door) NEWMAN What took you so long? (back of a Cop car) KRAMER Hey, what do you think they'll do to us? NEWMAN Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch. ELAINE I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this? (in bed - MAY music) THE END |
THE MILLENNIUM | THE MILLENNIUM Written by Jennifer Crittenden (Putumayo) Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining some sort of footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone. ELAINE Uh, excuse me. GLADYS Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun. ELAINE Uhm, I just have a question. GLADYS (into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong. ELAINE (walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis. GLADYS (into phone) So? What else is goin' on? ELAINE (shouts) HEY!! GLADYS Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you? ELAINE (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer. Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push open a door she should pull. (Valerie's Apartment) Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave. VALERIE Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews. JERRY Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'. VALERIE I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny. JERRY Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go. Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts the receiver and prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the speed-dial is marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and George stood talking. GEORGE So you're on the speed dial? JERRY After two dates! GEORGE What number? JERRY Seven. GEORGE Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen. The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding chairs in each hand. KRAMER Uh, hey buddy. JERRY Hey. Kramer carries the chairs across the room. KRAMER It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party. JERRY You're gonna keep these here for eight months?! Kramer props the chairs up against a wall. KRAMER No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that. JERRY Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?! KRAMER You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em. Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it, and is sat with his feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head. GEORGE Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch. JERRY What for? GEORGE (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains. JERRY Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch? GEORGE (thoughtful) I have no idea. Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood. ELAINE Alright, I have had it with those Mayans. JERRY I don't mind the Mayans. Elaine gets another of the folding chairs. ELAINE (unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me. Kramer enters carrying more chairs. KRAMER What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis. ELAINE No, no, not Putumayo. KRAMER No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan. GEORGE (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch. ELAINE What'd you have? Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured balloons on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair. KRAMER Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave) JERRY Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's! KRAMER (at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons. (Monk's) George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets. MINKLER George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and we think that someone might be you. GEORGE (surprise) Head of scouting? MOONEY Interested? GEORGE (playing it cool) I'm still here. MINKLER Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract. MOONEY You understand what we're talking about? GEORGE So you're talking... MINKLER No, no. MOONEY We're *not* talking. We're just, talking. GEORGE So, you need me to get fired. MINKLER We didn't say that. MOONEY We couldn't say that, because even if we did... MINKLER ...we couldn't say that we said it. MOONEY You see what we're saying? GEORGE (jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch? MINKLER (serious) We didn't say that. (Valerie's Apartment) Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. Jerry arrives, obviously a little rushed. JERRY Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner? VALERIE (pointedly) Someplace nice this time? JERRY Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things. VALERIE (rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's. Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside the phone. JERRY Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called. Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking. VOICE Hello? JERRY Hello? Who's this? VOICE Jane. What number did you dial? He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 'JANE', and his name now next to '09'. JERRY Seven? (Putumayo) Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can be seen outside. Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention. ELAINE Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves) (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper, Kramer with a clipboard. George is heard outside the door. GEORGE (singing) Meet the Mets... George enters, looking pleased with himself. GEORGE ...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets. JERRY Good meeting? GEORGE There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first. JERRY You can do that. GEORGE Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!' JERRY So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence? GEORGE Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine? KRAMER You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real? Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue their own conversation. JERRY So, George... GEORGE Yeah. JERRY (rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial. Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following. GEORGE So? JERRY So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots. GEORGE What, she's ranking you? JERRY Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer. GEORGE What is a barometer exactly? KRAMER It's pronounced thermometer. Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer rises and comes over to the guys. KRAMER You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here. KRAMER (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman? Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating he doesn't want to talk to Newman. KRAMER (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry? Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental phone'. Jerry throws his arms up in exasperation. (Valerie's Apartment) Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral bouquet. VALERIE (pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride. JERRY Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. VALERIE Oh. JERRY (resumes) ...you know, make a good impression. VALERIE I'm gonna go put these in some water. JERRY I like the way you think. Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry rushes over to the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial, and finds himself promoted to the '01' button. JERRY Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard! (Yankees Boardroom(?)) Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George is sitting down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table in front of him, he places a large paper bag. GEORGE Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case. WILHELM Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform? GEORGE Is it? (reaches into bag) Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions. GEORGE Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year. He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey. GEORGE Gotta get the good ones. He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops it onto the front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain. GEORGE Oh, that's bad. That's bad. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard. KRAMER So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand? JERRY Some of us. KRAMER (crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody. Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes, bag, earrings, everything. JERRY Hola. ELAINE Shove it! JERRY What is all this? ELAINE I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days. JERRY Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain. KRAMER Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date. ELAINE Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party. Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite. KRAMER Newman? ELAINE Yeah. Elaine hands her invite to Kramer. KRAMER (reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman! (Jerry's Car) Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the passenger side. JERRY Hi Valerie. The woman turns to face him. JERRY You're not Valerie. MRS HAMILTON I'm her step-mother. Drive. Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street. MRS HAMILTON It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you. JERRY But, I never... MRS HAMILTON (threatening) You just stay away from that phone. (Steinbrenner's Office) Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the door. GEORGE You wanted to see me, sir? STEINBRENNER I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning... George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal. GEORGE Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour. STEINBRENNER ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed. George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired. STEINBRENNER We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching. George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in his underwear. STEINBRENNER Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for? (Valerie's Apartment) Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn. JERRY You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial. VALERIE You deserve it. JERRY But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week. VALERIE My stepmother got to you, didn't she? JERRY What? No. VALERIE Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely! Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging her speed-dial. JERRY Yikes! (Newman's Apartment) Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his invitation. KRAMER Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party. NEWMAN You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow. KRAMER (getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day! NEWMAN I have done nothing unethical. KRAMER Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party. NEWMAN Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross. KRAMER (worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice. NEWMAN (thoughtful) What kind? KRAMER Cubed. NEWMAN That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited. KRAMER I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy. NEWMAN That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free! (Cab) Jerry and George in the back of a taxi. JERRY How could they not fire you? GEORGE Never thought I'd fail at failing. JERRY Aw, come on there now. GEORGE (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong. JERRY Nonsense. You do everything wrong. GEORGE (hopeful) Everything? JERRY Everything. GEORGE You really think so? JERRY Absolutely. I have no confidence in you. GEORGE Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again! JERRY That's the spirit. You suck! GEORGE (pleased) I know. (Cinqo De Mayo) Elaine is talking with the saleswoman. ELAINE No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo. Gladys comes out behind the counter. GLADYS Do you need some help with something? ELAINE (puzzled) You? What're you doing here? GLADYS I own this store. ELAINE No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously) GLADYS I'm Gladys Mayo. Realisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly. ELAINE Ah, this really sticks in my craw. (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment) Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is pouring out a couple of glasses of wine. JERRY Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie? MRS HAMILTON I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome. JERRY Okay. Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting uncomfortably close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top of the couch behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close to the early Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.) MRS HAMILTON You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic. JERRY Uh, good. MRS HAMILTON Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea. JERRY (nervous) What? MRS HAMILTON Why don't I put you on my speed-dial? JERRY I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound... MRS HAMILTON Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound? Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone. JERRY Valerie's not coming over, is she? Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone. MRS HAMILTON Seven, four... JERRY No... MRS HAMILTON Two... JERRY Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie? MRS HAMILTON I won't tell if you don't. JERRY (leaving hurriedly) Wuhh... (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns. KRAMER Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand... Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright. KRAMER (yells) Newmanniun!! He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph. It's of himself and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together. KRAMER (whimper) Jerry? Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the mattress. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren is commentating. KOREN Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field. JERRY Oh my God, George! KOREN Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset. Kramer enters. JERRY Kramer, look, it's George. KOREN Everyone loves him. KRAMER Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party. JERRY (neutral) Fine. KRAMER (agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone! JERRY (neutral) No problem. KRAMER (swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh. Elaine enters. KRAMER (pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun. ELAINE (neutral) Okay. KRAMER No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry. ELAINE (neutral) Fine. KRAMER (frustrated shout) Oh come on!! ELAINE (neutral) Alright. KRAMER (triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century. Kramer heads out the door. ELAINE (following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business. KRAMER Can do. Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow. JERRY What're you doing with a pricing-gun? ELAINE That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents. Elaine leaves and shuts the door. JERRY (to himself) Still a rip-off. The phone rings. Jerry picks up. JERRY Hello? From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format, with Valerie and Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen with Jerry as appropriate. VALERIE Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial. JERRY Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you. There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in. JERRY Hold on a second. Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call. JERRY Hello? MRS HAMILTON (seductive) Hi Jerome. JERRY Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second. Jerry clicks. JERRY Hello? VALERIE That's her on the other line, isn't it? JERRY Well... VALERIE Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial. JERRY Hang on. Jerry clicks. JERRY She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing. MRS HAMILTON I won't, until she puts me back on hers. JERRY Hang on. Jerry clicks. JERRY She wants to be back on yours. VALERIE Fine. But only if you're off hers. JERRY Hang on. Jerry clicks. JERRY Fine, if I'm off yours. VALERIE No, still me. JERRY Sorry. Hang on. Jerry clicks. JERRY Fine, if I'm off yours. MRS HAMILTON I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her. JERRY Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me. MRS HAMILTON (conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons. JERRY (hurried) Great, bye. Jerry clicks. JERRY She said she'll do it. VALERIE Great. There's another beep, as another call comes in. JERRY Hang on. Jerry clicks. JERRY Hello? (Yankee Stadium) George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking and looking thoroughly dejected. GEORGE Jerry. I can't get fired. A passing fan spots him. FAN Hey, body-suit man. 's up? He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased by the attention. The fan points out George to more fans. FAN (pointing) Hey, body-suit man. The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned to his minor celebrity. (Putumayo) Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers in for a second before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer is pushed into sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar. KRAMER Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty. He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself to some. GLADYS Well, lemme show you what we have. KRAMER Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own. KRAMER (re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free? GLADYS Yeah. KRAMER Hmm-mmm. Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen items. He then heads for the changing room. GLADYS Some of those are women's clothes. KRAMER Oh, not a problem. He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be heard. The clicking goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped. It lands by Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem by kicking the gun as he tries to retrieve it. (Yankee's Parking Lot) George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing behind the car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the tarmac. George is leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone. GEORGE Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh. (Putumayo) Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton are browsing the racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, she walks over to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters. KRAMER L'Occupado. ELAINE Come on, what is taking you so long? KRAMER Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B. ELAINE Plan B? There is no plan B. KRAMER (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store. ELAINE What?! KRAMER They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em. ELAINE That's not gonna do anything. KRAMER Patience. ELAINE Alright. Forget it! KRAMER What? ELAINE You have screwed me again, Pennypacker! Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded again. GLADYS Ladies, care for some chips? KRAMER (emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do. He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip, a sachet of dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice, and after consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the counter. KRAMER Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead. Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes a chip, dips it into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it. (Steinbrenner's Office) George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves, nonchalantly eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks. STEINBRENNER I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi... George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly, Mr Wilhelm enters the office. WILHELM Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me. George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief. STEINBRENNER What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again? WILHELM No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games. GEORGE (agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games! STEINBRENNER Macho head games? WILHELM (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir. STEINBRENNER Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem. GEORGE Mr Wilhelm, what was that?! WILHELM I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets. Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed. WILHELM (singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets. (Jerry's Apartment) KRAMER I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years. JERRY She never sees the big picture. There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman. JERRY Hello, Newman! NEWMAN Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail. KRAMER Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go. NEWMAN Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime. KRAMER Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City. NEWMAN Alright. Come back to my party, please. KRAMER Jerry too, of course. NEWMAN (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you? JERRY No. NEWMAN Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine. Jerry pulls a disgusted face. KRAMER Deal? NEWMAN To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand) KRAMER (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium. Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as Jerry speaks to him, and Kramer exits to his apartment. JERRY By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year? NEWMAN (smug) As a matter of fact, I did. JERRY Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame. Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches as he realises his error. JERRY Aww! Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of half-strangulated nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer. (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment) Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks nauseous. MRS HAMILTON I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside. VALERIE I'll call for help. She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'. (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment) JERRY Hello? VALERIE Who's this? JERRY It's Jerry. Who's this? VALERIE Uh, it's Valerie. JERRY Oh, hi Valerie. What's up? VALERIE I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you! JERRY Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one! Valerie hangs up the phone. JERRY Hello? THE END |
THE EX GIRLFRIEND | THE EX-GIRLFRIEND Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way." (Jerry's car) GEORGE She can't kill me right?! JERRY No, of course not. GEORGE People break up all the time. JERRY Everyday. GEORGE It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't. JERRY You tried. GEORGE I kept looking at her face. I'd go: "C'mon, love her. Love her!" JERRY Did you tell her you loved her? GEORGE Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell me she loved me. Alright, at first, I just look at her. I'd go "Oh, really?" or "Boy, that's, that's something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well, I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!" JERRY You're a human being. GEORGE And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't do that to someone. JERRY You're too nice a guy. GEORGE I am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair - I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her. JERRY You're flesh and blood. GEORGE I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin.. this is my brother.. thisis my father." It's like I'm in quicksand. JERRY I told you when I met her.. GEORGE My back is killing me. JERRY You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best. GEORGE Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best. JERRY I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together. GEORGE Please. They don't do anything.. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? CAn't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things. JERRY You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off! (Car door opens, it's Elaine) ELAINE Hi. JERRY Hi. (George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back seats) ELAINE Hey, what are you doing? GEORGE I'm letting you in. ELAINE Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left out of the conversation. GEORGE No, you won't. ELAINE Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick my chin on top of the seat. GEORGE Okay.. (George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat) ELAINE Why can't you sit in the middle? GEORGE Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl. ELAINE I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? GEORGE Is it that obvious? (Elaine sits in the middle) ELAINE Hello, Jerry. JERRY Hello. ELAINE Did you get a haircut? JERRY No, shower. So, where are we eating? ELAINE Tell me if you think this is strange: There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He's a teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little.. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family.. then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?! He went from nods to nothing. GEORGE (imitating Tony Bennett) "You know, I'd go from nods to nothing.." ELAINE And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we passs. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing. JERRY A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened to The Blob. GEORGE I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him. ELAINE Really? GEORGE Yes. ELAINE You would do that? GEORGE If I was a different person. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone) JERRY Hello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?.. Yes, I know I have the wrong number. But I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if.. (Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer) (The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it) KRAMER Come on up. JERRY (Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See? Now if you had answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's too long distance calls I made to you why can't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why do they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much. (Kramer holds up cantaloupe) KRAMER Taste this. JERRY No, I just had a sandwich. KRAMER No, taste it. Taste it. JERRY I don't want cantaloupe now. KRAMER You've never had cantaloupe like this before. JERRY I only eat cantaloupe at certain times. KRAMER Jerry. This is great cantaloupe. JERRY Alright.. (tastes it) KRAMER Ah, huh. It's good? JERRY It's very good. KRAMER Good, huh? JERRY Good. KRAMER I got it at Joe's. JERRY Uh-Huh. KRAMER Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's. JERRY It's too far. KRAMER It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.. JERRY I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee? KRAMER See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back. JERRY I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in. (Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the room, singing the Zorba theme) GEORGE I'm outta there. I did it! It's over. JERRY You did it? What happened? GEORGE I told her. In the kitchen - which was risky 'cause it's near all the knives. I started with the word "Listen." JERRY Ah ha. GEORGE I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of me going: "You're doing it! You're doing it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said "Keep going, keep going. You're almost out!" It's like I was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped! JERRY See, it's never as bad as you imagine. KRAMER I liked Marlene. What's her number? GEORGE No, I, I don't think so. (Kramer stants making noises while eating) JERRY Could you stop that smacking? KRAMER George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe. GEORGE Oh no, thank you. KRAMER It's the best cantaloupe I ever had. GEORGE No, really. No, no, thanks. KRAMER Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is. JERRY It's very good cantaloupe. (changing subject) So that's it? You're out? GEORGE Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment. JERRY So, go get them. GEORGE Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous - sexually. Something could happen, I'd be right back where I started. JERRY So forget about the books. Did you read them? GEORGE Well, yeah. JERRY What do you need them for? GEORGE I don't know. They're books. JERRY What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses - like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? GEORGE They're MY books. JERRY So you want me to get those books? Is that it? (Scene ends) (Coffee Shop) (Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.) MARLENE ..So, it must've been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those moods - so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and I jumped in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me. JERRY So what'd you do? MARLENE Well, nothing. It's not skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was. JERRY Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess. MARLENE (Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. JERRY No. MARLENE Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled. (Scene ends) (Chiropractor waiting room) JERRY (Irritated) I don't know how this happened. GEORGE Jerry, it's not my fault. JERRY No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we've had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling. (George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And it's these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence. GEORGE That's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine? JERRY Ohh.. you know, and sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?" and I'll go "Oh, hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.." GEORGE What about getting off the phone? JERRY Ohhhh.. you can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go, "Alright, then.. " You know, it just goes on and on and on with out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this. GEORGE Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off! She is sexy though. Don't you think? JERRY Yeah. Yes, she is. (Receptionist enters) RECEPTIONIST Mr. Costanza? GEORGE Yeah. RECEPTIONIST The doctor'll see you now. GEORGE (To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have to wait in that little room by myself, aren't I? (Picks up a crossword puzzle) I better take this. I hate the little room. "Oh, hello, Doctor." (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!" "Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two.." (Scene ends) (Waiting room) (George returns) JERRY So, how was it? GEORGE I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. (Imitating doctor) Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks. JERRY Well, it's a first visit. GEORGE What's seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Amd I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half. JERRY You can't do that. GEORGE Why not? JERRY He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says. GEORGE Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say. (Scene ends) (Jerry's car) MARLENE Are you feeling weird? JERRY No, I'm fine. MARLENE Nothing really happened. JERRY Yeah, I know. MARLENE We just kissed a little. People kiss. JERRY Yeah. MARLENE Well.. night. (Leans over and kisses Jerry) JERRY Good night. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer enters with a golf club) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER I got it! This time, I got it! JERRY Alright. KRAMER Hips! See, it's all hips. JERRY Uh-huh. KRAMER You gotta come through with the hips first. (Demonstrates) JERRY That is out there. (Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up) KRAMER Joe's? JERRY No, supermarket. KRAMER Well, is it good? JERRY It's okay. KRAMER Let me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits it out) See, that stinks. You can't eat that. You should take it back. JERRY I'm not taking it back. KRAMER Alright, I'll take it back. I'm going by there. JERRY I don't care about it. KRAMER Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation. JERRY Alright. Take it back. (Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it) JERRY (On his answering machine) Leave a message, I'll call you back. MARLENE (Leaving a message) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If I'm not talking into the soap right now, call me back. KRAMER Well? JERRY Marlene KRAMER (Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene. JERRY Yeah, I took her home one night - we kinda started up a little bit in the car. KRAMER I thought you were trying to get rid of her? JERRY I was. She's got me, like, hypnotized. KRAMER Does George know? JERRY No, he'd go nuts. KRAMER Yeah, no kidding. JERRY I feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but.. I've just got this like, psycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's like a drug. KRAMER Woah, psycho-sexual. JERRY I don't know how I'm going to tell him. KRAMER Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? JERRY It's partially you, yeah. KRAMER You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else. Some jerk that he doesn't even know. JERRY Well, he can't kill me, right? KRAMER You're a human being. JERRY I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it. KRAMER You're flesh and blood. JERRY I'm a nice guy. (Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp) ELAINE Hi. (Hands Jerry the lamp) JERRY Oh, my little airplane lamp. ELAINE You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones. JERRY Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time. ELAINE Unless you're married to a dictator.. JERRY Yeah.. because they would be very demanding people. ELAINE Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point, somebody's going to offer me some cantaloupe. KRAMER Nope. No good. JERRY Well, you know what they say: Luck in love, Unlucky with fruit. KRAMER Well, I'm taking this back. (Leaves) ELAINE So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning. JERRY Really? That guy who stopped saying hello? ELAINE Yep. JERRY You talked to him? ELAINE Yep. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought "no, no, no, no. Do not be afraid of this man." JERRY Right. ELAINE So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, "Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know exactly who I am." JERRY "You little phony"? ELAINE I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, "Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once." And I said, "Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?" JERRY Amazing. ELAINE And he says, he says, "Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, alright?" And I said, "Fine. Fine I didn't want to say hello anymore either, but I wanted you to know that I'm aware of it." (Elaine tastes some cantaloupe) JERRY You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now. ELAINE This cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out) (Scene ends) (Coffee Shop) GEORGE I don't care. JERRY You're kidding. GEORGE No, I don't care. JERRY You mean that? GEORGE Absolutely. JERRY You don't care? GEORGE No. JERRY How could you not care? GEORGE I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually almost happy to hear it. JERRY I thought you'd be upset. GEORGE I guess I should be but I'm not. JERRY Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? GEORGE No, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. JERRY That voice. That voice. She's driving me crazy. GEORGE I know, I know. JERRY So I can see her tonight, and you don't care? GEORGE See her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go. Knock yourself out. She's too crazy for me. JERRY Alright. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking about her. GEORGE I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life. JERRY Good. And I'll tell you what.. You don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill. GEORGE (Angry) You paid that crook?! JERRY I had to. GEORGE He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you to do that? JERRY It was embarrassing to me. GEORGE I was trying to make a point. JERRY Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps) What's wrong? GEORGE (Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! ..I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen? (Scene ends) (Jerry's car) JERRY ..So, you want to come up for a few minutes? MARLENE ..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is going to work. JERRY Really? I thought.. MARLENE I know, I'm sorry. JERRY I guess I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting. MARLENE You sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause I sure don't. JERRY Of course I want to talk about it. MARLENE Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night. JERRY Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? MARLENE ..I saw your act. JERRY My act? What does that have to do with anything? MARLENE Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff. JERRY I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it? MARLENE I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. JERRY You're a cashier! MARLENE Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor. JERRY You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible. MARLENE I heard the material. JERRY I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend. (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research, consulting." Men on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie." THE END |
THE RYE | THE RYE Written by Carol Leifer ELAINE (thinking) I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again. (club applauds) ELAINE Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific. JERRY Maybe he'll write a song about you. ELAINE Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really matters. JERRY So I take it he's spongeworthy? ELAINE Oh, yeah. JERRY Well, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free. ELAINE Well, actually, he's - he's not that way at all. JERRY Oh, no? ELAINE Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning) JERRY Come on. Come on. ELAINE I don't wanna! JERRY Elaine, you're among friends. ELAINE (sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything. JERRY Oh. ELAINE Yeah. It's surprising. JERRY Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you? ELAINE No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice. JERRY Sure. Why not? You're there. ELAINE Exactly. JERRY But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen. KRAMER Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car. JERRY What stuff? KRAMER I just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby. JERRY All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff. KRAMER Course I will. These are staples. JERRY A four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple? KRAMER Lindsay olives, Jerry. JERRY A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs? KRAMER $17.50. You can't beat that. JERRY Look...look at this can of tuna! KRAMER Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut. JERRY This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3. KRAMER Hey, Clyde! CLYDE Hey, Kramer! What's happening, dude? KRAMER Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here. CLYDE How ya doin'? JERRY Hi. KRAMER You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine. JERRY John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine. CLYDE Oh yeah? JERRY Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy. CLYDE Is that right? KRAMER Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs. CLYDE Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the hands. My hands are my life. ESTELLE Georgie, can you zip me up? GEORGE Yeah. Yeah, one second. ESTELLE Well, come on! GEORGE All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal outta this thing or we're never gonna get through this night. ESTELLE Well, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think I should look nice. GEORGE My in-laws. Oh, my.... FRANK So, what do you think? Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh? ESTELLE I don't like that tie. FRANK What's the matter with this tie? I've hardly worn it. ESTELLE It's too thin. They're wearing wide now. FRANK How do you know what kind of ties they wear? ESTELLE Go to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if there's anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead! FRANK Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue. ESTELLE George, do you think he should wear a tie like that? FRANK Huh? GEORGE I think he should wear whatever tie he wants. FRANK We gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzer's. ESTELLE It's out of our way. Why can't we pick up something at Lord's? It's right over here. FRANK No! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll show these people something about taste! GEORGE This is gonna be fun. JERRY Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in your friend John Germaine's band there. ELAINE So what did he have to say? JERRY Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy. ELAINE Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE What did you do that for? JERRY What? ELAINE What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy. JERRY Oh ELAINE I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away. JERRY Well, Clyde might not tell him. ELAINE How do you know that? JERRY I should have helped Kramer with those packages. ELAINE Ohh! (Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded with dozens of pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway) DENNIS Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. I wonder, could you do me a favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder... KRAMER Uh-huh. DENNIS I wonder, could you pick up my mail? KRAMER Yeah. Sure. Sure. DENNIS In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week? KRAMER Drive the horse? DENNIS It'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. I'll split it with ya. KRAMER Oh, giddyup. Yeah. GEORGE This is delicious, Mrs. Ross. MRS. ROSS Oh. MR. ROSS What are you complimenting her for? She didn't make it Rowenna did. FRANK What is this thing anyway? MRS. ROSS It's Cornish gamehen. FRANK What is that, like a little chicken? GEORGE It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. (laughing) Little chicken. It's a gamebird. FRANK Gamebird? GEORGE Yeah. FRANK What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt it? MR. ROSS Yes. FRANK How hard could it be to kill this thing? ESTELLE I couldn't help but notice that you have quite a library in there. MRS. ROSS If I had a dime for every book he's actually read, (laughing) I'd be broke. SUSAN More wine anyone? FRANK Yeah. I'll take some. SUSAN Hmmm? FRANK Thank you. SUSAN How do you like the Merlot? ESTELLE Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they just invent it? MRS. ROSS Oh, mother. GEORGE She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot. FRANK Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen? GEORGE Why don't we talk about it another time. FRANK But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing! MRS. ROSS Something's missing all right. MR. ROSS They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them. FRANK That's perverse. GEORGE Did anybody see Firestorm? MR. ROSS Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture. GEORGE Yeah. MR. ROSS Remember when they had the helicopter land on top of that car -- FRANK Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't seen it yet. MR. ROSS It doesn't have anything to do with the plot! FRANK Still! Still! I like to go in fresh! GEORGE Oh mother of God. (clip clop) KRAMER Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On Rusty! (applause) JOHN Thank you. Now, I'd like to play something th -- well, actually, it's my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy." (saxophone playing) GEORGE Thank God that's over. ESTELLE The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard. I didn't like that. FRANK And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something! GEORGE So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal. ESTELLE It is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm sorry. It's impolite. FRANK Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that! ESTELLE Your father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake! GEORGE What is this? The marble rye? MRS. ROSS Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that - that bread they brought. ESTELLE We forgot to bring it in. FRANK No, I brought it in. They never put it out. MRS. ROSS Where is it? SUSAN I don't know. Where'd you put it? MRS. ROSS Right over there. SUSAN Well, it's gone. GEORGE You stole the bread? FRANK What do you mean stole? It's my bread. They didn't eat it. Why should I leave it there? GEORGE Because we brought it for them! FRANK Apparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve. MRS. ROSS Is it possible they took it back? SUSAN Who would bring a bread and take it back? MR. ROSS Those people, that's who. I think they're sick. ESTELLE People take buses to get that rye. GEORGE Maybe they forgot to put it out! FRANK Aw, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate! Deliberate, I tell ya! JERRY He stole back the rye? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Why? GEORGE Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why. JERRY So, do the Ross's know? GEORGE I don't know. They're all very suspicious. JERRY Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear. GEORGE Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life. JERRY Bad situation. GEORGE I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye. JERRY What do you mean replace it? GEORGE You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is. JERRY Well, there ya go. What's so hard about that? GEORGE What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment! JERRY All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom cab. GEORGE So? JERRY Well, Kramer'll take them around for a while. GEORGE And it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that? JERRY Are you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, clip clop. They're nuts for it. GEORGE So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there. JERRY What about Susan? GEORGE She's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock. JERRY Beautiful! GEORGE You think Kramer'll do it? KRAMER Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there at seven? GEORGE Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em around for about..half an hour. KRAMER Hey. JERRY What the hell are you doing there? KRAMER It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some? JERRY No. No thanks. KRAMER Jerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I don't have any room for it all. GEORGE Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment? JERRY Just put it under your shirt. GEORGE Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge! JERRY I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after seven right after they leave. GEORGE Oh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! (laughing) ELAINE Hey. Is that your horse outside? KRAMER Yeah. That's Rusty. GEORGE What? He's outside? KRAMER Uh-huh. GEORGE Aw, come on. I wanna go see him. KRAMER You wanna go see him? GEORGE Yeah. Hey! Hey! KRAMER I'll show ya Rusty. GEORGE Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey? ELAINE Well, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy. JERRY So, you think Clyde told him? ELAINE He wrote a song about it! JERRY Well, maybe it's a good thing. ELAINE No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like? JERRY No, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very pleasant. ELAINE You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to! JERRY No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it. ELAINE I can't! He's got a big showcase for record producers at his late show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll upset him. MR. ROSS Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it. GEORGE Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. It's - it's the least I can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs? MR. ROSS Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You, uh, seem a little nervous George. Anything wrong? GEORGE Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could I, uh, could I get a glass of water? MRS. ROSS We've got water. I don't think we have any bread, but we've got water. KRAMER Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno. (singing) I'm so keen-o On Beef-A-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans. MR. ROSS Nice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay George? MRS. ROSS You know, George we haven't done anything romantic like this in ....years. GEORGE (thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a stupid mistake? He'll never show up! (clip clop) KRAMER Ah ha! GEORGE There he is. Right on time as usual. COUNTER WOMAN 53. MABEL 53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic, in a bag. COUNTER WOMAN Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one. JERRY Wait a second, that's your last marble rye? COUNTER WOMAN That's right. JERRY There's none left? COUNTER WOMAN That's what I said. Number 54. JERRY Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may depend on it. MABEL Well, I'm sorry, but you should have got here earlier. JERRY Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up. MABEL You're not getting this rye -- JERRY All right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it. MABEL You're in my way! KRAMER Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and I'll be your driver for this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you. MRS. ROSS My favorite. KRAMER Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty! (clip clop) JERRY All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye. MABEL No? Watch me. JERRY Give me that rye! MABEL Stop it! JERRY I want that rye, lady! MABEL Help! Someone help! JERRY Shut up, you old bag! MABEL Stop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble rye! ELAINE I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were hot and heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy? JOHN Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda disappointed. ELAINE Disappointed? JOHN Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde told me that. ELAINE You were? JOHN Absolutely. ELAINE Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved! JOHN Listen, uh, I've still got a couple of hours to kill before the next show. My place is only a few blocks from here. ELAINE Really? JOHN And you know what? ELAINE What? JOHN I've been thinking about what we do and I'm thinking..of...adding a new number to my, you know, repertoire. ELAINE Ohh! (clip clop) (Rusty snorting) KRAMER Y'aah! (clip clop) (Rusty farts) MRS. ROSS (sniffing) What is that? MR. ROSS I think it's the horse. MRS. ROSS Oh, God. KRAMER Hey, how's everything? You..you need anything? MRS. ROSS This is - this is...horrible. MR. ROSS Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal? KRAMER Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff. MRS. ROSS I can't take this. Let me out of this thing! MR. ROSS Turn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here! And hurry it up! KRAMER Rusty! Rusty! GEORGE (whistling) (clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly louder) KRAMER Whoa! GEORGE Wha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon? MR. ROSS Ask Rusty. KRAMER I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function. MRS. ROSS Thanks for nothing! Come on, George. Let's go upstairs. GEORGE What the hell happened? KRAMER The horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno. GEORGE Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?! KRAMER Well, I overbought! MR. ROSS George. GEORGE (muttering) MUSIC GUY What's going on? Where is he? MANAGER Uh...he'll be here soon. MUSIC GUY I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm not gonna stay here all night. JERRY How much did you give him? KRAMER Just a can. But he really liked it, though. GEORGE Jerry! Up here! JERRY Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this? GEORGE I can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up! JERRY Really? GEORGE Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me? JERRY Will you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen. KRAMER I don't wanna go back on there! GEORGE Come on! JERRY (grunting as he throws bread into the air) GEORGE (grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea. ELAINE No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were very good. You just don't have to try so hard. Good luck, honey. GEORGE Come on! Come on! JERRY Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away. (George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover everyone staring at him) GEORGE Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. (grunting) MANAGER Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine. (applause) (John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is being created by the instrument) THE END |
THE UNDERSTUDY | THE UNDERSTUDY Written by Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer GENNICE (Crying) (sob sob) JERRY (To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't. (Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment) JERRY She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. What, what do you do in a situation like that? GEORGE Where were you? JERRY I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch. GEORGE Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what. JERRY Of course. GEORGE When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches", moving from the chair to the couch ... that's quite a voyage. JERRY yeah, (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hey. I gotta go. KRAMER Where you going? JERRY The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical. KRAMER Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there? JERRY She might be. She's the star of the show. KRAMER Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me. GEORGE I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan. KRAMER So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe. GEORGE Gennice palying today? JERRY Yeah, maybe. KRAMER Who's Gennice? JERRY That's the understudy. I'm dating her. KRAMER Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world. JERRY I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say. GEORGE Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem. JERRY Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing...real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though. (Ruby's Nail Parlor - Korean language in quotes) RUBY You late. ELAINE I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus RUBY "That's a shame". You'll have to wait for Lotus now. ELAINE How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things to do. RUBY "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. Princess in a big hurry." "No change for bus" "Poor princess." ELAINE What?, uh? RUBY Nothing, won't be long. LOTUS "Princess wants a manicure." SUNNY "Oh lucky me." LOTUS "Oh, you got the princess." ELAINE What is so funny? RUBY ...tell knock-knock joke. (Baseball diamond in the park) ELAINE The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog. JERRY How would you know? You don't speak Korean. ELAINE Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at me...ge ge ge KRAMER You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't an insult. Could be like the word "fox" to us. Oh, she's a DOG! JERRY Why don't you go to another nail shop? ELAINE Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. JERRY What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying. ELAINE Yeah, who speaks Korean? JERRY You know who speaks Korean? ELAINE No, who? JERRY George's father. ELAINE You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean? JERRY He used to go there a lot on business. ELAINE What did he do? JERRY He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea. ELAINE Uh, JERRY George, does your father speak Korean? GEORGE Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon. JERRY Oh, hi Gennice. GENNICE Hi Jerry. JERRY This is George, this is Kramer. GENNICE Nice to meet you. JERRY Playing today? GENNICE No. I'm on the bench today. JERRY They really stick to that understudy rule. KRAMER So she's coming? GENNICE Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob) JERRY It's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay. GENNICE No it (sob) was really good. (Crowd yelling - Bette arrives) KRAMER Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi. BETTE Hi. KRAMER Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful. BETTE Uh, thank you. KRAMER Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done. BETTE Really? KRAMER Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here. BETTE What flavours do they have? KRAMER Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry. BETTE How about Pineapple? KRAMER Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back. (First Italian ice cream seller) ICE CREAM VENDOR #1 No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and Tutti-Frutti KRAMER Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves) (Monk's) ELAINE Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean? FRANK I once talked to the reverend Yung Son Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy. ELAINE uh, ha. FRANK Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig apple pie. ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want. FRANK No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I've got a foot odour problem. (Baseball diamond- Bette at bat) GEORGE I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. ...(wings?) ... Give me a break. BETTE Get some talent then you can mouth off. UMPIRE Strike three. BETTE What? Are you blind? UMPIRE What? BETTE Nothing, nothing. (Monk's) FRANK I had an affair with a Korean woman. ELAINE Uh, Mr. Costanza, I ... FRANK No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply. But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me. ELAINE Mr. Costanza, I, ... FRANK Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the foot odour problem. Her father would look at me and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy". (On Stree) ICE CREAM VENDOR #2 Sure I got Pineapple. (Kramer runs back with it) (Baseball diamond - George at bat) BETTE Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on special today! JERRY Come on George, just loosen up. (George hits one ) JERRY Come on George. KRAMER I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. JERRY (to George) Keep going. GEORGE Aaaaaah (George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate)) UMPIRE SAFE! (Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry) GEORGE come on it's just a game. KRAMER (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything. See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time (sings) "You are the wind..." (Jerry's Apartment) TV the show will go on but not Bette Midler. While playing softball in the park Ms. Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate. All captured on amateur video tape. She will be out for two weeks from her Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The Musical. (Genice enters) GENNICE . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George) JERRY Well we... GENNICE No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to be my big break. (sobbing) JERRY (with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right. (Knocking at door) KRAMER Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! JERRY Come back another time. (Shot of each lock being opened) KRAMER SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves. (Turning to Genice) KRAMER So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits) (Nail Parlour) ELAINE Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank. RUBY What would you like today? Manicure, Pedicure? FRANK I'll take a manicure. I don't take my shoes off for anyone. RUBY "That's the least of his problems." FRANK What was that? ELAINE What'd they say? What'd they say? FRANK They made a derogatory comment about me. RUBY "She's with a man twice her age." "He doesn't look like he's got much money either." LOTUS "Check out that sweater". (all laughing) RUBY "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket." LOTUS "What happened to his tail?" FRANK Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's my tail? I heard every word you said. You got some nerve. (Back room) KIM That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was ayoung girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in love but when I brought him home to meet my father? He refused to take his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight. LOTUS That man also refuses to take his shoes off. FRANK (from other room) I never seen people treated like this! RUBY You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out! KIM Frank? FRANK Kim? (Hospital room) KRAMER (on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark? BETTE White meat. KRAMER Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there. It's your ass buster. BETTE Get me one of those Black and White cookies. KRAMER yeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They don't have any. But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere. BETTE Good. Because if I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around. KRAMER Now that's impossible. (On rainy street at night) ELAINE (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) ... I don't even know where I'm going. PETERMAN That's the best way to get someplace you've never been. ELAINE yes, (sob) I suppose, ... PETERMAN Have you been crying? ELAINE Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,... PETERMAN Oh no, that doesn't matter now. That's a very nice jacket. ELAINE Uh, (sob) thanks. PETERMAN Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola. ELAINE How do you know all that? PETERMAN That's my coat. ELAINE You mean..? PETERMAN Yes, I'm J. Peterman. ELAINE Oh! (In Taxi) JERRY I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up. (Crowd yelling) GENNICE Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never informed. ... YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.... You see that? You see what I am going through? GEORGE So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night. JERRY Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy. GENNICE I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show will even talk to me. JERRY Stop your crying will ya? GENNICE What? GEORGE You heard him. GENNICE Oh, don't you you're the reason this whole thing happened. GEORGE Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh? CABBIE Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab. JERRY Hey, I had nothing to do with it. CABBIE Get out of my cab. You should go to prison. You should be in prison for the rest of your life. Get out, each of you. Each and every one of you get out of my cab. (Restaurant) PETERMAN Then in the distance I heard the bulls. I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately I was wearing my Italian Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13. Price $135.00. Ex; Oh, that's not too expensive. PETERMAN That shirt. Where did you get it? ELAINE Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once. PETERMAN That's NOT bad! (Frank's car) KIM Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off. FRANK I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem. KIM I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks. FRANK I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your father had to make a federal case out of it. KIM Anyway that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of us. FRANK Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal. (Screeching of brakes) KIM You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. Inever want to see you again. (Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters) KRAMER Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives her a pasta statue) BETTE ... What is it? KRAMER It's macaroni Midler. BETTE Macaroni Midler? KRAMER Yeah, see how you're singing? BETTE ... yeah ...ha ha. Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk. KRAMER oh, what's that from? BETTE Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. Bette sings: "Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk. Rochelle Rochelle. You never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk Rochelle Rochelle When the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace So nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face. I'm having adventures all over the place. Rochelle ROCHELLE!" KRAMER Oh You are so freaking talented. (knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall) KRAMER Oh, so look who's here. What do you want. JERRY We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident. KRAMER No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question. JERRY What? KRAMER Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything to disturb her. GEORGE Who are you to decide? KRAMER I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS! GEORGE Hey, look, Kramer,... KRAMER AH! I don't want her disturbed. (Outside Broadway Theater) RUBY hello, Elaine. ELAINE Hello LOTUS We're so excited. ELAINE You're welcome. RUBY We'll see you inside. JERRY What happened? ELAINE Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show. JERRY Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later. ELAINE Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job. JERRY Where? ELAINE Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue. JERRY (pushing her) How did you get that? ELAINE I met him. JERRY You met J. Peterman? ELAINE yeah. JERRY What is he like? JERRY (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'. ELAINE . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double... (Backstage) JERRY Well, break a leg tonight. GENNICE I'm really nervous. STAGEHAND Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here. JERRY Listen buddy, STAGEHAND What are you going to do? Break my legs? You don't scare me. You or your goons. GENNICE How do you like this? JERRY What is it? GENNICE My grandmother died. JERRY Oh, I'm so sorry. GENNICE Oh, it's okay, JERRY So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control? VOICE (Off camera) Places everyone. GENNICE I gotta go. JERRY Good luck. (Audience) ANNOUNCER ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant. LOTUS Gennice Glant? RUBY What happened to Bette Midler? ELAINE Oh, she got hurt. RUBY No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and all three leave) ELAINE I, uh, wait.. (On Stage) GENNICE (singing and dancing) "It's a long journey from Milan to Minsk" (Shoe lace comes undone) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) I'm sorry, I have to start it over, my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like this. Please let me start over. (sob) Please. (sob) Please.... THE END |
THE PICK | THE PICK Written by Larry David (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE I loved her Jerry, I loved her. JERRY No, you didn't. GEORGE And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did. JERRY No she didn't. GEORGE What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back? ELAINE (OC) Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her. GEORGE Who says? ELAINE You did. GEORGE Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry. JERRY You walk around with no underwear? GEORGE Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry? JERRY I do a wash. GEORGE Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her. JERRY When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her. GEORGE I loved her! JERRY You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell. GEORGE I would give anything to be going up those stairs again. GEORGE I gotta call her. Should I call her? JERRY George, I don't know if that is such a good idea? GEORGE Whyie? JERRY You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist. GEORGE I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with. JERRY No, no no (Elaine enters, flossing teeth) Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman. ELAINE Dana Folley. JERRY Right, Dana Folley. GEORGE She any good? ELAINE Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going? GEORGE Wa, uh, ... ELAINE Tia? Who's that? JERRY She's the model I met on the plane. ELAINE She sent you a Christmas card? JERRY Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night. GEORGE My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!! (They ignore George) JERRY What are you doing? ELAINE ... date with Fred. JERRY The religious guy? ELAINE He's not THAT religious. JERRY Let us pray. (Kramer Enters) KRAMER Hey, you got any Double Crunch? JERRY Yeah. JERRY Kramer, should I call Susan? KRAMER Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man. GEORGE My little man doesn't know. KRAMER The little man knows all. GEORGE My little man's an idiot. ELAINE See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that. KRAMER You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ... GEORGE She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary. ELAINE No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card. KRAMER No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything. GEORGE She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs. KRAMER All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture. ELAINE Really? Can you really take a picture? JERRY Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there. ELAINE All right, ha ha KRAMER I don't know about that outfit though. ELAINE Why? What's wrong with it? KRAMER Well, we'll have to improvise. (Elaine and Kramer exit) GEORGE (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ... JERRY George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. (Change of Scne Tia at Jerry's) JERRY So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here. TIA Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment? JERRY Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet. TIA That's horrible! JERRY What's that perfume you're wearing? TIA oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today. JERRY What is that smell? TIA It's here somewhere. JERRY It smells like the beach. TIA Exactly. JERRY Oh my God is that the new perfume? TIA Yeah. JERRY I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea. TIA Are you sure? JERRY And you're the model for this perfume? (Noise) JERRY Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door (Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance) KRAMER Hey JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey, how ya' doing? (Trying to enter) JERRY Yeah, uh, I'll see you later. KRAMER I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster. JERRY All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia. KRAMER Hello. (Jerry pushes tia back away from Kramer) KRAMER How tall are you? TIA Five ten. KRAMER Come on lets see - Back to Back. JERRY NO! Kramer! KRAMER What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was. JERRY Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall. KRAMER What's that? JERRY What? KRAMER That smell. What's that smell? JERRY (starting the Dust Buster) What smell? KRAMER It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar. JERRY Oh, they're all the same. Here. (gives him Dust Buster) Now if you'll excuse us, .. KRAMER Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh? JERRY Okay. KRAMER Yeah. Nice meeting you. TIA Nice meeting you too. JERRY I'll see you later. (Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him) JERRY Ooow, that was close. KRAMER (OC) THE BEACH!!! (enters) KRAMER You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing. TIA It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN. KRAMER CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach. JERRY I know look at this (shows ad) KRAMER Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this. (End of scene) (Therapist's Office) (George enters) DANA Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down. GEORGE Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me (struggling with his coat zipper) and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing? DANA So uh, she broke up with you? ... GEORGE Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down? DANA It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you? GEORGE What is with this damn zipper? DANA It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend. GEORGE It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out. DANA It doesn't matter, so ... GEORGE This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ... DANA George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name? GEORGE ... Susan. DANA Okay, we're getting somewhere. GEORGE UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket. (Jerry's Apartment) ELAINE Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam. JERRY Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble. ELAINE It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing. JERRY I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out? ELAINE Well, you know. It's a picture? JERRY Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job. ELAINE Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture? JERRY ... um ... ELAINE What? JERRY Did you look at look at this picture carefully? ELAINE Carefully? JERRY Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple. ELAINE What? JERRY Here. Take a look. What, what is that? ELAINE (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple. JERRY That's what I thought. ELAINE That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa. JERRY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE? ELAINE Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey! ELAINE Have you seen the card? KRAMER What card? ELAINE This car. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it. ELAINE Well did you notice anything unusual about it? KRAMER No. ELAINE Well come here and take a look. KRAMER Yeah, so? ELAINE So, what's that? KRAMER That's a nipple. ELAINE Right!! KRAMER Ooo! ELAINE Aw, great!? Didn't you see that? KRAMER Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh, ELAINE It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt. JERRY Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it. ELAINE No. I don't want him looking. JERRY Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it. ELAINE Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred. (Jerry enters with Newman) NX Okay. What is it? JERRY Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it. NX Your nipple's showing. JERRY Okay. Thanks. NX Anything else? JERRY No. NX All right. See you later. JERRY What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. KRAMER I got them too. JERRY Everybody's got them. (Therapist's Office) DANA You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ... GEORGE Pull it up a little bit. DANA Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it. GEORGE Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate. DANA No. Let me try... GEORGE Take it right off the chest... DANA Ugh, .. GEORGE You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it. DANA YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop. GEORGE Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine? DANA Yeah. GEORGE (stares at card) (Jerry's car - BMW) (Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him, in shock. Cab pulls away.) JERRY No, No, No, No, Oh, No. (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry hanging up phone) JERRY Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call. GEORGE Was it a scratch or a pick? JERRY It was a scratch. GEORGE Hey. It's me. JERRY Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch? (Buzzer) JERRY Yeah? ELAINE (OC) It's me. JERRY Come on up. GEORGE Was there any nostril penetration? JERRY There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call. GEORGE So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what? JERRY Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick? GEORGE I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit. JERRY Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her? GEORGE No. That's disgusting! (Elaine enters) ELAINE You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... (sees card) Oh please! GEORGE Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it. ELAINE You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. (rubs George's head on her breasts) Here's your Christmas card. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Got any Double Crunch? JERRY yeah. I think I do. KRAMER What's that perfume? ELAINE What, Ocean. KRAMER That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN. JERRY I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light. KRAMER I thought you said it was a scratch. JERRY But that's not what she thinks. GEORGE Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls. JERRY All right. I'll call the agency. (Elaine grabs card from George) Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. (hangs up) She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now. KRAMER Let's go. (Monk's) GEORGE It'll be different this time. SUSAN I need someone a little more stable. GEORGE I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza! SUSAN People don't change. GEORGE I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it. SUSAN I'm not a soft boiled egg. GEORGE And I am not a piece of toast. SUSAN I just don't think we have anything in common. GEORGE That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand. SUSAN Why were there so many cockroaches? GEORGE Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments (grins) SUSAN And they got along? GEORGE Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work! (Trump Towers) KRAMER I want to talk to Calvin. SECRETARY You can't go in there. KRAMER Let me talk to Calvin. (Kramer enters office) TIA Kramer? KRAMER Yeah, uh. CALVIN KLEIN Who are you? KRAMER I'm here to talk about the ocean. CALVIN KLEIN Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? (Tia leaves) KRAMER Now I don't want any trouble Calvin. CALVIN KLEIN Neither do I. (Outside office) JERRY Hello there you are. TIA What are you doing here? JERRY Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls. TIA Well, I've been busy. JERRY Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick) TIA (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this.. JERRY But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril. TIA I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators) JERRY But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick! TIA I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry) JERRY No! No pick! (Scene ends) Calvin Klein's office) (Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein) KRAMER All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies.. KLEIN (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face.. KRAMER Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me. KLEIN You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful. KRAMER Well, yeah. KLEIN Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular.. KRAMER You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose. KLEIN You're spectacular. KRAMER (Flattered) Oh? (Scene ends) Elaine's office) (Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas card) ELAINE I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it. FRED (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?! ELAINE Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it. FRED I really don't see how you could miss a button like that. ELAINE Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?.. RECEPTIONIST Your sister, Gail. ELAINE Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is. CO-WORKER (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home? ELAINE Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress. (Scene ends) Susan's apartment building) (George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to Susan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk to an execution; she's mellow and happy) (Scene ends) Calvin Klein's office) (A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer is no where in sight) WOMAN About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of self-consciousness! KLEIN His buttocks are sublime! MAN Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room. WOMAN (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately. (Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually falling down. Fortunately, the other people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves) MAN You've done it again, C.K.! (Scene ends) Calvin Klein office building) (In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry, deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd) JERRY An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal! (Scene ends) Elaine's office) (Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred) ELAINE I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul! (Scene ends) (Monk's) GX So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick. JERRY The pick? ELAINE The pick? GEORGE She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face. JERRY I think I've seen that look. (Kramer enters) KRAMER I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out. JERRY Boy, they really worked on your pectorals. GEORGE Your buttocks are spectacular. ELAINE Oh my! KRAMER What? ELAINE I'm not sure but... I think I see your... THE END |
THE WALLET | THE WALLET Written by Larry David (Comedy club) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?" (In Jerry's Car) JERRY George and I went up to NBC and we told them our idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract. HELEN And they liked your idea? JERRY Yeah. MORTY What'ya got leather seats here? HELEN Since when is George a writer? JERRY What writer? It's a sitcom. HELEN That's exciting. When are you going to sign the contract? JERRY Soon, there's a couple of problems. MORTY Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst. JERRY What do you expect? It's airline food. MORTY . . . give you fish. JERRY How could you eat fish on a plane? MORTY because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat. HELEN What kind of problems? JERRY Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money. HELEN What? He's not even working. MORTY George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks. HELEN Jerry, I want you to sign that contract. JERRY We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now. (George's car) GEORGE So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass. SUSAN You're passing? GEORGE Well, it's . . . much too low. SUSAN Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this? GEORGE Ah, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this. SUSAN Because you know, because this is your first show this is a pretty standard deal. GEORGE Standard? SUSAN Yeah. GEORGE Is Ted Danson's deal standard? SUSAN Ted Danson? GEORGE You know, the guy from Cheers. SUSAN Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson. GEORGE I didn't say I was Ted Danson. SUSAN All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow. GEORGE - SUSAN Oh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars. A present from my father. GEORGE Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note or something? SUSAN Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that. GEORGE But what do I say in the note? SUSAN Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something. GEORGE Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs) (Jerry's car at gas station) HELEN Were you waiting long at the gate? JERRY I don't even know? HELEN Where's that watch we bought you? JERRY Oh uh (Flashback to street) JERRY That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage) GEORGE That's the one your parents bought you? JERRY Yeah, but it never worked. (Back to present day in car at gas station) JERRY . . . it's being fixed. MORTY I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where I got it. JERRY It's at the jeweler. MORTY You send me the bill. JERRY I'm not sending you the bill. HELEN That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it. GSUSAN That's uh, $18.50. MORTY Here, I got it. JERRY What are you talking about? It's my car. You can pay for the gas. MORTY No, no put it away . . . JERRY Dad! MORTY Stop it. JERRY I have money. I make money. MORTY Yeah, yeah, you make money. JERRY You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it? HELEN No, I don't think that. JERRY Yes you do. That's what you both think. MORTY I'll pay. JERRY I'm paying. MORTY Get out of here. JERRY You're not paying MORTY Jerry please, JERRY You're not doing this. (both fighting to pay) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing? MORTY Nothing nothing. JERRY Leave it. What about your back? HELEN Morty, what are you doing? MORTY All right, all right. JERRY You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, Morty. MORTY Hey, Mr. Kramer. KRAMER Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. HELEN What happened to you? KRAMER Well some guy kicked me in the side of the head. HELEN What guy? KRAMER Crazy Joe Devola. HELEN Why? KRAMER Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him off. JERRY Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party? JERRY I didn't know he wasn't invited MORTY Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry? HELEN So why did you say anything? JERRY It was a mistake. MORTY They're good around the house and they're good for outside. HELEN Are you okay? KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week - but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion HELEN So what's the matter with this Devola guy? JERRY He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication. KRAMER Oh, yeah. He's after Jerry now. JERRY Kramer!! HELEN He's what?! JERRY He's joking. HELEN He's after you? JERRY Nooo. HELEN Why is he after you? JERRY He's not after me. HELEN Morty, did you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry. HELEN I'll make a few phone calls. JERRY Who are you going to call? MORTY What are you worried about? HELEN I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you. JERRY I didn't do anything. HELEN Well you must have done something. JERRY No, he just doesn't like me. HELEN Doesn't like you? How can anyone not like you? JERRY You know, it seems impossible. HELEN Doesn't like you? How can that be? JERRY Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me. HELEN Huh, Jerry, don't say that. JERRY It's true. HELEN No, it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty? MORTY Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that. HELEN Kramer? KRAMER Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got? JERRY Um, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's being fixed. KRAMER When you getting it back? JERRY Uh, next week. KRAMER Next week? How come it's taking so long? JERRY Huh? KRAMER I said how come it's taking so long? JERRY I don't know. They're backed up. KRAMER wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it? JERRY Where'd I take it? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th. Okay? KRAMER Jimmy Sherman's? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning. JERRY No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him KRAMER I'd be happy to. JERRY He's a friend of mine. JERRY I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment. KRAMER Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. MORTY Give me the receipt. KRAMER I'll get that too. (exits) JERRY Be right back. (follows Kramer out) (In the hallway) JERRY . . . I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me so don't mention it again, okay! KRAMER All right. JERRY All right. KRAMER Wait, wait , . . . (Jerry reenters his own apartment) HELEN What was that about? KRAMER Oh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle. HELEN How can anyone not like him. (Back doctor's office) MORTY Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment. RECEPTIONIST Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill in this form(?). MORTY All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes. RECEPTIONIST I know. It's very long. MORTY Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. My back was fine. HELEN Well, it's not the sofa. MORTY You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person. HELEN We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good store. MORTY One day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing. HELEN Leo says he's the best there is. MORTY Leo, I'm listening to Leo now! HELEN You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy? MORTY Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough. RECEPTIONIST Julie, you want to take him back? (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY You what? You passed? How could you do that? GEORGE Jerry, my young friend, you are so na�ve. You are so so na�ve. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating. Negotiation, this is what you do in business. JERRY Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the next show. GEORGE Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're not going to do the show. JERRY We're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money! GEORGE Oooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking! JERRY Well, I think you're wrong. GEORGE Well, we'll just see. JERRY Yes we will. GEORGE Yes we will. JERRY I just said that. GEORGE I know you did. JERRY So good for you. GEORGE So good for you. JERRY We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? GEORGE We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? JERRY Well George is an idiot. GEORGE Well George,,. . . . (Doctor's examination room) MORTY All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me. HELEN (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you. MORTY Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes. HELEN Well the doctor must be busy. MORTY Well what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. uh, look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel . NURSE Hello, Mr. Seinfeld. MORTY I thought you forgot about me. NURSE We didn't forget. (pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band) MORTY Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines. NURSE Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays. MORTY Leave all my stuff here? NURSE Leave it. (They exit) (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE Okay, by the way. Do you want a box of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous. JERRY No I don't want them. (Kramer enters) KRAMER I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it? GEORGE Here you go. KRAMER A box of cigars? GEORGE Yep, KRAMER Oh, yeah? GEORGE The kind that Castro smokes. You can't buy them anywhere. KRAMER Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish) (Buzzer) JERRY Yes? VOICE Federal Express. JERRY Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package. KRAMER Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar into the building. JERRY You think so? KRAMER Federal Express? Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it might be a murderer. JERRY So you want us to abolish all home package deliveries. KRAMER Yes. It's dangerous. (Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight) JERRY Who is it? VOICE Federal Express. KRAMER Okay, . . . (Elaine enters) ALL Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! ELAINE Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California. KRAMER I came back for you. ELAINE Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer) JERRY I missed you. ELAINE Really? JERRY Yeah, . . . (lots of missing you talk) KRAMER I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match. ELAINE Who's suitcase is this? JERRY Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist. ELAINE Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa. GEORGE Boy, you look really great. JERRY Yeah. ELAINE You lie. GEORGE No, no you really look great. ELAINE Hu hu, ha. JERRY So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston? ELAINE Oh, he's fine. JERRY Things are good? ELAINE Yeah, you know (scratches cheek) JERRY Uh oh. ELAINE What, Uh ih? JERRY Did you see that? GEORGE Yeah, I saw it. ELAINE What? JERRY It's a tell. You gotta tell. ELAINE What tell? What's a tell? JERRY When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody. ELAINE Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice? JERRY Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. ELAINE How high did I go? GEORGE You almost did the nose. JERRY What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. GEORGE I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread. JERRY You're off bread. . . . So what happened is it over? ELAINE Well not quite. JERRY Why not? ELAINE He was my psychiatrist, you know. He knows all my patterns. In my relationships I always try to find some reason to leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave. GEORGE What do you mean - "Not letting you?" ELAINE He has this power over me, okay. He has this way of manipulating every little word I say. He's like a Svenjolly. GEORGE Svengali. ELAINE What did I say? JERRY Svenjolly. ELAINE Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly. JERRY George? GEORGE Svenjolly. ELAINE I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly. JERRY So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental hold on you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER You know I can't find a match anywhere. GEORGE You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things. ELAINE No, it's not going to work with this guy. GEORGE Well, you just tell him an old boyfriend has come back into your life. ELAINE I don't think so. JERRY Nice try. GEORGE Took a shot. KRAMER This is a good cigar (hair is on fire) . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom) (Doctor's examining room. Morty enters) MORTY So, when do I get to see the doctor? NURSE He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves) MORTY (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone. NURSE Are you sure? MORTY Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here? (doctor enters) DR. DEMBROW Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro MORTY I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there. DR. DEMBROW Why, I don't see how something like that could have happened. MORTY Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me. HELEN (enters) What's going on? MORTY They stole my wallet. HELEN What? MORTY While I was in getting X-Rayed. DR. DEMBROW All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays? MORTY What kind of clip joint are you running here? DR. DEMBROW All right, fine. (leaves) HELEN The least you could have done was hear your diagnosis. MORTY I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum. HELEN You came all the way from Florida to see him. MORTY I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me. (Dr. Reston's office) ELAINE I am sorry but there's somebody else. DR. RESTON Huh, huh. ELAINE Well it's nothing I planned on happeniong, you knoe. It just kind of happened. DR. RESTON Tell me about him. ELAINE Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy. Really. DR. RESTON Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've known him how long? ELAINE . . . Years. Years, um, we've been close friends and then recently something you know just happened. DR. RESTON You mean sexually? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally. (phone rings) DR. RESTON Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's just east of madison. Around 4:00 will be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up) . . .I'm sorry where were we? ELAINE Well, I was just telling you about this other guy. DR. RESTON Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman? ELAINE Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um. DR. RESTON Elaine, I'm concerned about you. ELAINE Oh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good. DR. RESTON Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again? ELAINE . . . no. DR. RESTON And how often have you been seeing, . . .? I'm sorry what is his name? ELAINE His name? DR. RESTON Yes, his name. ELAINE Um, what's the difference? DR. RESTON Are you afraid to tell me his name? ELAINE No, no, I just don't see how that's relevant. DR. RESTON It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how. ELAINE Uh, his name, uh, Idon't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer. DR. RESTON Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name? ELAINE Oh, I'm really uncomfortable talking about this. DR. RESTON Elaine, I want you to do me a favor. ELAINE What? DR. RESTON I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It is very important that I speak to him. ELAINE Oh, no, no no no, I can't do that. DR. RESTON You can do it and you will do it. ELAINE No, I can't. DR. RESTON You can and you will. ELAINE Okay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you a call. (Restaurant) JERRY So you didn't even let the doctor treat you? MORTY I wouldn't give him the satiusfaction. HELEN Why did you leave your wallet in your pants? MORTY What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere? HELEN Well. You could have taken it with you. MORTY Oh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth. (Leo enter) LEO Hello, ,hello. JERRY Hi Uncle Leo. LEO I just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He said they almost had to call the police. MORTY What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet. LEO You know how hard it was for me to get thjat appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor. MORTY All right, Leo. LEO You walked out without paying. MORTY How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet. LEO Well, I hope you sent him a check. MORTY What for? LEO What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor. MORTY That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that? LEO I said it once. MORTY Twice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor. HELEN Leo, where did you get that watch? LEO You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch? HELEN Doesn't that watch look like the one we gave Jerry. JERRY Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a . . (looking at watch) JERRY Can we continue this another time. THE END |
THE PARKING GARAGE | THE PARKING GARAGE Written by Larry David INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE FILE GEORGE, JERRY and ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX. GEORGE One left...what a joke. KRAMER You can have this one. GEORGE No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time. ELAINE Hey, I didn't get one either. JERRY Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? ELAINE This is what people do. JERRY No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner. GEORGE You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire. ELAINE So we took a little ride. What's the big deal? GEORGE Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish. JERRY Big accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What do they do? ELAINE What do you do? KRAMER (RE: CAR) It's this way. GEORGE What time is it? JERRY Five o'clock. GEORGE Always late. Always late. JERRY You're not late. GEORGE I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen. ELAINE Who? GEORGE My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic? JERRY Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour. ELAINE Isn't it going the other way? JERRY There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time. ELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger traffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush. KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND. ELAINE What's the matter? HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING. JERRY I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls? KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. JERRY You want me to help you with that? KRAMER No, no, I got it. AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. JERRY (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy? GEORGE Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that. KRAMER If you like her, go talk to her. GEORGE Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off. KRAMER She's fat. ELAINE Oh she's fat? KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED. ELAINE What? JERRY Where's the car? KRAMER I thought it was here. GEORGE You don't know where we parked? KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW. GEORGE Oh, this is great. KRAMER Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one. JERRY I thought it was green. I remember seeing green. ELAINE I didn't pay attention. GEORGE This is just what I need. ELAINE I'm sure it's right around here. KRAMER It looks familiar. I remember the elevator. GEORGE There's elevators all over! It all looks the same. JERRY It's over there. I know where it is. NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW. ELAINE It's black, right? KRAMER Dark blue. GEORGE You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that? JERRY There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota. THEY STOP... JERRY Hmmm...I thought it was... KRAMER Didn't we come in over there? JERRY I thought it was over there. ELAINE How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? KRAMER About two hours. ELAINE You'd better find this car. GEORGE It's this way... JERRY I really have to go to the bathroom. KRAMER Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J JERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. KRAMER Why? Nobody's around. JERRY I'll wait. KRAMER You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry? JERRY Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character. ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE... ELAINE There it is!...No that's not it. A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED. ELAINE Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery. GEORGE ...Six wrong? ELAINE Those school zones are a killer. JERRY Will you let me help you with that? KRAMER I'm gonna put it down behind that car. HE DOES SO. JERRY You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? KRAMER Pink eleven. Remember that. GEORGE Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant. ELAINE (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring. KRAMER Look at this place. It's huge... GEORGE I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. JERRY Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket." GEORGE Where the hell is this car, Kramer? KRAMER It's got to be here. ELAINE Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty. JERRY Maybe it's not on this level. GEORGE What? JERRY There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up? ELAINE It felt like a couple of levels. JERRY You should always carry a pad and pen. GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum. KRAMER I have a pen. THEY REACT... JERRY Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms." MOTHER Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me? ELAINE Look at that woman. SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. MOTHER I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait. GEORGE Hey, is that necessary? MOTHER Why don't you mind your own business? GEORGE I think hitting a defenseless child is my business. KID You're ugly. GEORGE ...What? KID You're ugly. GEORGE You are! KID You are! THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED. GEORGE I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. KRAMER (RE CAR) I found it! ELAINE He's got it. KRAMER Oh...no. JERRY All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay? ELAINE Jerry, look at my fish. JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER. JERRY His eyes look a little cloudy. GEORGE Oh are they gonna be furious. JERRY Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before! KRAMER It was easy the last time. ELAINE My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car. JERRY No one's going to do that. ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR. ELAINE Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look. MAN #1 ...Sorry. ELAINE Five minutes. MAN #1 Can't do it. ELAINE We're not wilding. THEY LEAVE. ELAINE Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me... THEY START LAUGHING. ELAINE Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny - These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too? THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. JERRY Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those? KRAMER Right here at the mall. BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD. ELAINE Excuse me... HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING. ELAINE Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. JERRY It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in. KRAMER You drank a whole bottle of water. JERRY I know. KRAMER So why don't you just go? JERRY No I can't. KRAMER Don't you get tired of following rules? JERRY You think I'm too cautious? KRAMER Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic. JERRY Organic. So's Buddy Hackett. KRAMER Buddy Hackett? JERRY He's a comedian. KRAMER I know. JERRY All right. All right. KRAMER (pointing) You can go over here. JERRY I can manage. KRAMER (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene) KRAMER It'll take you ten seconds. HE NUDGES JERRY. JERRY Okay, okay. I'll be right back. WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED. SECURITY GUARD Okay, let's go. Come with me. JERRY But... SECURITY GUARD Come on. JERRY ...Kramer INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE JERRY I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die. SECURITY GUARD Well you're still not allowed. JERRY Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for? SECURITY GUARD That's up to you. JERRY So you don't care if I die. SECURITY GUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. JERRY It was life and death. SECURITY GUARD Uh huh. JERRY Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. SECURITY GUARD I don't know. JERRY Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. JERRY Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck. SECURITY GUARD You can tell the police all about it. INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE. KRAMER Jerry! ELAINE Jerry! GEORGE Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story. ELAINE Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him. GEORGE Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes. GEORGE If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. ELAINE No, no, I'll be back. SHE LEAVES. GEORGE Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. KRAMER Does that bother you? GEORGE Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you? KRAMER Not at all. GEORGE See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you? KRAMER I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do? INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD. JERRY First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know. SECURITY GUARD I know what you did. JERRY Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. JERRY And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is. SECURITY GUARD Yeah I'm sure. JERRY You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle. INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY. ELAINE And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him. MAN #1 I can't do it. ELAINE But why? Why can't you do it? MAN #1 I can't. ELAINE No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to. MAN #1 That's right. ELAINE But why? Why don't you want to? MAN #1 I don't know. ELAINE But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out? MAN #1 No, I wouldn't. INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. JERRY What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years. INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE CAR. KRAMER The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds. GEORGE Really. KRAMER What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski? GEORGE Who's Killer Kowalski? KRAMER He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave. GEORGE I've gotta go to the bathroom. KRAMER So go. GEORGE Here? KRAMER You and Jerry. INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD. GEORGE Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life... SECURITY GUARD Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? Was he also in a Red Chinese prison? GEORGE A Red Chinese prison? INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY. KRAMER George! George! INT. PARKING GARAGE ELAINE Jerry! INT. PARKING GARAGE JERRY Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy. JERRY Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook. ELAINE Jerry! JERRY Elaine?! ELAINE Jerry! Over here... NOW THEY SPOT HER. ELAINE Where have you been? JERRY I was arrested for urinating. GEORGE Me too. ELAINE You what? JERRY I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know. ELAINE Look at my fish... ELAINE Is he... JERRY No, but he's not looking good... ELAINE Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying. MAN #2 Can't do it. ELAINE I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish? MAN #3 Sorry. ELAINE That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed. ELAINE That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that? GEORGE Elaine, shut-up. JERRY Hey, where's Kramer? GEORGE I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer? ELAINE I thought he was with you. GEORGE See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... GEORGE Look at the time, that's it. ELAINE Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side? GEORGE We came in over there! ELAINE We didn't come in over there! JERRY Where's Kramer? JERRY Hey George, there she is again. ... GEORGE So what do you want me to do? JERRY Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening. GEORGE That is an opening. GEORGE Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if... AMY Oh sure, I'll drive you around. GEORGE You will? AMY Sure. GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE. GEORGE Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here. AMY I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals. GEORGE Yeah, right. JERRY Filthy pigs. THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR. GEORGE It's a blue Honda... AMY This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating. ELAINE Hi, I'm Elaine. JERRY Jerry. AMY Hello. ELAINE It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me. AMY I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy. GEORGE Hi Amy, I'm George. INT. PARKING GARAGE GEORGE I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were... GEORGE ...with that group. ELAINE What about my fish? JERRY Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive. ELAINE I'll say. THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING. ELAINE What is it? ELAINE The car! JERRY The car! GEORGE The car! ELAINE We found it. I can't believe it! GEORGE Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer! JERRY Kramer! INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER JERRY Kramer. KRAMER Jerry? JERRY Yeah, over here. KRAMER Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? GEORGE Purple 23. KRAMER Right! Purple 23. I could've used you. GEORGE Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down. KRAMER What time is it? GEORGE Seven forty-five. KRAMER Well at least there's no traffic. GEORGE Right. KRAMER What time does that play start? GEORGE Eight o'clock. KRAMER That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of... JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT. KRAMER Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here? THE END |
THE MUFFIN TOPS | THE MUFFIN TOPS Written by Spike Feresten (Jerry and George walking down the street.) JERRY Hang on just let me pick up a paper. MAN Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute? GEORGE Yeah. No problem. JERRY Let's go. GEORGE Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag. JERRY For how long? GEORGE I'm sure he'll be back in a second. JERRY Come on. GEORGE Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute? MAN 2 Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back? Jerry starts to leave. GEORGE Where are you going? JERRY I'm going to be this guy's friend. (Commercial) Jerry and George at Monk's. JERRY New clothes? GEORGE Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu? JERRY Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag! GEORGE The guy never came back. JERRY He asked you to watch them not wear them. GEORGE I'm still watching them. JERRY You look like a tourist. GEORGE All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair? JERRY When you hear like a soft russeling. GEORGE It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there. JERRY Oh right, the new job, how is it? GEORGE I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm. JERRY So who's the new you? GEORGE They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school. JERRY Oh hi Alex. ALEX I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet? JERRY No. ALEX I'll be right back. GEORGE Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority? JERRY Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world. GEORGE Thanks. Thanks a lot. Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly puts the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for anyway? Anything specific?) KRAMER Hey. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Hi. ELAINE Where's Jerry? KRAMER Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him? ELAINE No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you. KRAMER Well let's sit down. ELAINE Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you? KRAMER Vaguely. ELAINE Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway. KRAMER You put my life's stories in his autobiography? ELAINE Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter. KRAMER Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman. ELAINE He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon. KRAMER Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh. Kramer enters the bathroom. KRAMER He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks. JERRY (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this. KRAMER All right, let's go. At Waldenbooks. ELAINE Mr. Lippman, how are you? MR LIPPMAN Well I'm not bad. Not bad. ELAINE What are you doing here? MR LIPPMAN I work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book. ELAINE Oh. MR LIPPMAN If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now? KRAMER Hey buddy. Remember me? MR PETERMAN You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from. KRAMER Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling? WOMAN Who are you? KRAMER I'm the real Peterman. MR PETERMAN All right playtime's over. KRAMER Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley. WOMAN I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin. ELAINE That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps. MR LIPPMAN So you just eat the tops. ELAINE Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops. Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store. KRAMER I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow. George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He is bumping into people. MAN 1 Try looking up hayseed. MAN 2 You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus. MARY ANNE Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude. GEORGE Well actually I'm... MARY ANNE I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from? GEORGE Little Rock, Arkensas. MARY ANNE Ooh. Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror down. JERRY Hmm. That looks new. He thinks some more. He picks up his razor. KRAMER So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac. JERRY (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad. KRAMER What's the matter with you? JERRY (uncomfortably) Nothing. KRAMER No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it. JERRY I did something stupid. KRAMER What did you do? JERRY Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone. KRAMER Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there. JERRY Well women do it. KRAMER (high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square. JERRY Well what am I going to tell Alex? KRAMER Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me? JERRY Um hum. George enters KRAMER Hey, Jerry shaved his chest. JERRY Hey! KRAMER I forgot. Wait. Never mind. Jerry and Alex walking. ALEX How about the beach this weekend? JERRY You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough... ALEX All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner. JERRY Really? Elaine walks into a muffin shop. ELAINE "Top of the Muffin to you!"? MR. LIPPMAN Top of the muffin to you. Elaine! ELAINE Mr Lippman? George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment. JERRY So you're pretending to be a tourist? GEORGE It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup JERRY How do you explain your apartment? GEORGE I got a hotel room. JERRY you moved into a hotel? GEORGE Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay? JERRY So get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog. GEORGE So? JERRY So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another. GEORGE Oh really. You tell her you shaved it? JERRY Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest. Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down on the bus. KRAMER (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry. Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down. KRAMER (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha. GEORGE Reality tour? JERRY The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality. Elaine at the muffin shop. ELAINE This was my idea you stole my idea. MR. LIPPMAN Elaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air. ELAINE Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea. MR. LIPPMAN You want a muffin or not? ELAINE Peach. Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks. MARY ANNE So I notice you don't have much of an accent. GEORGE Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation. MARY ANNE Look george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie. GEORGE Willie. Yeah. MARY ANNE And I'm still going to be here. GEORGE Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here? MARY ANNE (laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive. (Commercial) JERRY You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now. GEORGE Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town. JERRY What is it she think you can't do? GEORGE Find a job. Get an apartment. JERRY How did you do those things? GEORGE Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent. JERRY Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday? KRAMER Here you go, here you go, check it out. JERRY "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused. KRAMER Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories. JERRY Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life. KRAMER I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert. GEORGE What's desert? KRAMER Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats. GEORGE He eats those? KRAMER No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman. GEORGE I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real. KRAMER Talk to me. GEORGE But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you. KRAMER Understand? JERRY Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers. Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's. MR. LIPPMAN Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops. ELAINE So? What do you want me to do about it? MR. LIPPMAN You're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong. ELAINE Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin... ELAINE Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste. MR. LIPPMAN Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah? ELAINE Yeah. MR. LIPPMAN So what do we with the bottoms? ELAINE I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen. MR. LIPPMAN That's a good idea. ELAINE And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*" MR. LIPPMAN No. No. It is. At Jerry's apartment. KRAMER Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on? JERRY What? Can't I get a moment's peace? KRAMER What are you doing to yourself? Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream. JERRY I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless. KRAMER You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker. JERRY Oh that's an old wives tale. KRAMER Is it? Look at this. Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight. KRAMER (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard. JERRY Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me. KRAMER Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen? Elain at the muffin shop. ELAINE Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up. Lippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry. REBECCA Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter. ELAINE Oh, hi. REBECCA Are you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter? ELAINE You been enjoying them? REBECCA They're just stumps. ELAINE Well they're perfectly edible. REBECCA Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything? MR. LIPPMAN No no, we just thought... REBECCA I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps. ELAINE If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them. REBECCA The homeless don't like them. ELAINE Fine. REBECCA We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?" ELAINE We were just trying to help. REBECCA Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells. ELAINE I think I might. Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment. MARY ANNE I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay? GEORGE $2300. MARY ANNE Ouch. A month? GEORGE Yeah. MARY ANNE Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker. GEORGE Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed. MARY ANNE Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something. Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit. On Kramer's bus. KRAMER Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire. WOMAN Hey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic. KRAMER (over the speaker) Well that's your opinion. MAN 1 Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small. KRAMER Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere. MAN 2 Who's Newman? MAN 3 Who cares. MAN 4 Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious. MAN 1 Can I have his candy bar? KRAMER Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here. At Jerry's apartment. JERRY Why do I have to go on the tour? KRAMER Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks. Elaine enters JERRY Hey, how's business? ELAINE Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps. KRAMER All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus. ELAINE Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE You got any room on that thing? KRAMER Yeah there are a few seats still available. ELAINE Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while. KRAMER Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back. ELAINE No they don't. KRAMER Are they war veterans? Elaine looks at him confused. In George's office. MARY ANNE Wow this is your office. MR. STEINBRENNER Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out. MARY ANNE Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here. MR. STEINBRENNER Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken? GEORGE Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave) MR. STEINBRENNER Wait a minute George. GEORGE Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner. MR. STEINBRENNER Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown. On Kramer's bus. ALEX You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin. JERRY You also shouldn't use a donut. Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo music. KRAMER All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour... TAPE PLAYER Turn music off. JERRY Can we just go? KRAMER And go we will. MAN What is this? A piece of pound cake? KRAMER We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository. MAN 2 We're going to a garbage dump? KRAMER And we're off. JERRY You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close. Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk. MR. STEINBRENNER (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that. JOHN TYLER (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily. MR. STEINBRENNER Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy? JOHN TYLER How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken. MR. STEINBRENNER How do you make that alcoholic chicken? JOHN TYLER Let if ferment, just like everything else. MR. STEINBRENNER That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus. Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag. MAN Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going? KRAMER I was going to dump this. MAN It doesn't look like garbage. KRAMER Well it's muffin stumps MAN Where are the muffin tops? KRAMER This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it. MAN Can't do it. KRAMER Is this a joke? MAN That's what I'd like to know about it. ALEX You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you? JERRY What's that? ALEX Well look it's almost time for you to shave again. JERRY Oh. Yeah. KRAMER (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge. MAN Where are we going? KRAMER (looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions. Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps. Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump. Next scene. A man vomits on the floor. Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up. Banjo music finishes. WAITRESS So, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken. GEORGE Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink. MAN Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes? GEORGE What clothes? MAN These clothes. The ones you're wearing. On Kramer's bus. JERRY (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it. KRAMER Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump. JERRY I'm telling you man, I'm losing it. Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag. Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full moon. A dog starts barking. JERRY I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog. KRAMER I don't know where the tops are. Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still playing. KRAMER Jerry what's the matter? In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching his chest. JERRY (for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good. (Commercial) BARTENDER Hey, you looking for George? MARY ANNE Yeah. BARTENDER He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him. GEORGE (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants. MARY ANNE I told you this city would eat you alive. At the muffin shop. MR. LIPPMAN What is this guy again? ELAINE They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away. Newman enters. NEWMAN Hello Elaine. Where are they? ELAINE In the back. NEWMAN All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass. MR. LIPPMAN What is going on here? NEWMAN If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence. Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. THE END |
THE BLOOD | THE BLOOD Written by Dan O'Keefe (Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.) JERRY Are you sure you can't stay longer? MORTY No, we just came for the funeral. ` HELEN Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early. JERRY He was 96 years old. MORTY That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape. HELEN That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week. MORTY And every morning I eat a plum. JERRY Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out. HELEN What about you? MORTY Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger. JERRY Really? (Kramer comes in) KRAMER Hey, Seinfelds! MORTY Hey, Mr. Kramer! KRAMER How long are you staying? HELEN We just came down for a funeral. KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go... HELEN See you downstairs with the car. JERRY Are you sure you don't need a hand with that? MORTY No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here. (Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his arm.) JERRY Did you give blood? KRAMER No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case. JERRY In case of what? KRAMER Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished. JERRY Are we finished? KRAMER Done. (Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.) VIVIAN Elaine, I'm so glad you came out. ELAINE Yeah... VIVIAN You haven't seen Jimmy for years. ELAINE I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward. VIVIAN Actually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening. ELAINE Tomorrow evening, sure. VIVIAN Do you know anyone responsible? ELAINE Do I know anyone?? VIVIAN Well, if you think of anybody, give me a call. (George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.) GEORGE What are you doing? TARA Incense, for the mood. GEORGE Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood. (Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.) GEORGE Um, cream soda? TARA Vanilla. - (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.) ELAINE Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible? JERRY Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who's responsible for this? ELAINE I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around. (George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.) JERRY What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight? GEORGE I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding! ELAINE You just left? What did you tell her? GEORGE I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour. JERRY What? GEORGE I don't know, I was starving Jerry! (Waitress bring pudding to George.) GEORGE Oh, pudding! You want some? JERRY Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky? GEORGE What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove. JERRY Elaine, what do you think? ELAINE I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself. ---- (Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.) KRAMER My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah. BANK EMPLOYEE Well, we can transfer to another bank for you. KRAMER Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money! (George and Tara.) GEORGE So eh, what do you say? TARA I guess we could use some food in our lovemaking. GEORGE Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey... TARA Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard? GEORGE Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9� weeks? Remember the pastrami scene? TARA No. GEORGE Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked! (George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.) ---- (Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.) JERRY Didn't go for it, huh? GEORGE No. JERRY So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats? GEORGE She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them. JERRY Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich. GEORGE Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral. JERRY Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's. GEORGE Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife. JERRY I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me. GEORGE Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.) JERRY What the hell is that? GEORGE Pudding skin singles. --- (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) KRAMER Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware. JERRY Oh, why? KRAMER I closed down my account at the blood bank. JERRY What, it...it's here in the building? KRAMER Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see? JERRY No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out. KRAMER You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly. (Elaine comes in.) ELAINE Hey, working out? JERRY You know it and I ditched all my junk food. (Kramer looks to the fridge.) KRAMER What the heck is going on here? JERRY Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food. KRAMER Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it. ELAINE Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone. JERRY Is this about me? ELAINE No. JERRY Oh, then I lost interest. (Elaine calls on the phone.) ELAINE Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands the phone to Kramer.) KRAMER For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting. ELAINE You? I'm more responsible than you are! KRAMER Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood. (George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some sandwich.) GEORGE Oh, Tara! - (Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.) KRAMER Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen. (Elaine comes and taps him on the back.) ELAINE Kramer... KRAMER Don't take my money! ELAINE It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid. KRAMER No, I'm the baby-sitter. ELAINE No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road. (Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the porch.) VIVIAN Elaine? What are you doing here? ELAINE Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.) VIVIAN Well, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna watch you tonight. ELAINE Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.) (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) JERRY Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's. KRAMER There was an incident. JERRY Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it? KRAMER Would you stop it. JERRY What is this? KRAMER It's Jell-O. JERRY What about this? This is blood isn't it?! KRAMER This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.) JERRY Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!! KRAMER Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer. JERRY Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding? KRAMER Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious. JERRY Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore... (Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies through the air.) KRAMER Heads up! JERRY Aaah... ---- (Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her with a toy gun.) JIMMY You're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead! ELAINE I wish I was dead. JIMMY Can I have your juice? ELAINE As long as you don't put... (Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.) ELAINE Thanks for the re-fill. (Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.) VIVIAN Hey, Elaine! How did it go? ELAINE Oh, he's...he's a joy... VIVIAN Really? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful. ELAINE Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day. VIVIAN Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health problems lately. ELAINE It's not serious, is it? VIVIAN Well, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice to know there's somebody like you around. ELAINE Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.) (Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up close.) JERRY Aah! KRAMER It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here. JERRY I can see that! What happened? KRAMER That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up. JERRY I'll remember that. KRAMER Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood. JERRY What? KRAMER Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy. (Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.) (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.) GEORGE Three pints of Kramer's blood? JERRY I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood. GEORGE Well, so much for purification week. JERRY So, how's the fornicating gourmet? GEORGE Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate. JERRY George, we're trying to have a civilization here. (Elaine comes in.) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey, how was baby-sitting? ELAINE Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy. JERRY Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst. ELAINE It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world. GEORGE She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig. JERRY Really? (5A, Kramer and Jerry.) KRAMER Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh? JERRY I'm not touching that thing. KRAMER Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother. JERRY Oh, no... KRAMER What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy... JERRY Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck. KRAMER So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table! JERRY All right, all right I'll do it, sit down. KRAMER No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right? (Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.) JERRY Hello? (It's Helen and Morty.) HELEN Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital. JERRY Kramer called you? HELEN He calls every week. Are you all right? JERRY Yes, I'm fine. HELEN He says he's fine. MORTY Tell him to eat a plum. HELEN Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer. JERRY I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later. MORTY Plum...(Jerry hangs up.) JERRY Why are you calling my parents? KRAMER Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here? JERRY Why here? KRAMER Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span. JERRY Ok... KRAMER Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice? JERRY Fine... KRAMER Ok! (Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.) JERRY No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here! KRAMER Blood! JERRY All right. (Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.) IZZY Hello, dough boy. JERRY Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer? IZZY I'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need one. It's go-time. (Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes in and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.) VIVIAN Elaine? Elaine? ELAINE Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in. VIVIAN Where's Jimmy? ELAINE I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid. VIVIAN Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best. ELAINE No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man! VIVIAN Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow? ELAINE All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.) (The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.) JERRY Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do? IZZY Drop your purse, and pick up that medicine ball. JERRY Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum? IZZY Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready? JERRY For what? IZZY All aboard in the pain train! (Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.) JERRY How many session did my parents paid for? IZZY Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil. (George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich) GEORGE Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight! TARA Oh, George! GEORGE And now for the trifecta. (Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.) TARA George? George? What are you doing?! (Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.) GEORGE Pleasuring you? - Manana. Jerry comes in.) JERRY What is this? KRAMER We're making sausages. (Jerry stops the tape.) JERRY I thought you were gonna watch a video. KRAMER Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages. JERRY Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this. KRAMER All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here. (Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.) JERRY Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house. (Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.) IZZY Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet? JERRY No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum... IZZY Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch. ------------------------------------------------------- (Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.) JERRY So, the free love buffet is over? GEORGE I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. JERRY Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo. (George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.) JERRY What's going on? GEORGE I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush. JERRY Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge. GEORGE I think you're right. You gonna eat that? JERRY No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it. (Elaine comes in) ELAINE Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience. GEORGE These fries are really really good... JERRY All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.) ELAINE I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party. GEORGE Uuh, sleepy. ELAINE No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid. JERRY Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you. ELAINE Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel. (Kramer comes in.) KRAMER Why did you get rid of that sausage? JERRY It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum. KRAMER Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car? JERRY What's wrong with yours? KRAMER I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad. JERRY All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even! KRAMER All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed. (Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja song is playing.) (Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.) KRAMER Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) "If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, I can't do that. (Engine begins to smoke.) KRAMER Oh, mama... (Kramer stops and opens the hood.) KRAMER Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.) ---------------------------------------------------- (Elaine is visiting Vivian.) ELAINE Vivian... VIVIAN Elaine! ELAINE Hi! This is my friend George. VIVIAN Hi... ELAINE I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy. VIVIAN Ok. VIVIAN Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic? GEORGE Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her. VIVIAN Really, why? GEORGE Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania. VIVIAN Her grandparent passed away five years ago. GEORGE Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland. VIVIAN She's American citizen, I have seen her passport. GEORGE All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project. VIVIAN I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere. GEORGE That's because it's underwater. VIVIAN This is insane. GEORGE Is it? VIVIAN Yes it it. GEORGE Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference. (Oven pings) VIVIAN You...very knowledgeable. GEORGE Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami? VIVIAN Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry? GEORGE Very. (They kiss and fall down to the floor.) VIVIAN Oh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.) Oohh... GEORGE Vivian!! (Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope. Izzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.) JERRY Is this really necessary? IZZY If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat. JERRY What if I can't keep up? IZZY You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son. IZZY JR. Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum... IZZY AND IZZY JR Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but the car starts jerking) IZZY Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it! JERRY What's going on? IZZY JR. There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid. JERRY Oh my God, the blood! IZZY JR. Blood!! (Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.) IZZY Get up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is for real, you've got to want it... ... (Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.) ELAINE So how long did they drag you? JERRY Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it. (George and Jimmy come in) ELAINE Hi George. Hi Jimmy. GEORGE Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something. (Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.) GEORGE Ouch! JERRY What's the kid doing here? GEORGE I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it. JERRY Oh, that's a drag... (Kramer comes in.) KRAMER That kid... JERRY You put blood in the car?! KRAMER Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing. JERRY Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again. KRAMER You didn't get the blood from me. JERRY Then who? (Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.) NEWMAN Hello Jerry. JERRY Aaaaahhh...!!! JERRY AND KRAMER Aaaahhh...!!! THE END |
THE TRIP PART 2 | THE TRIP PART 2 Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim." OPENING SCENE GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM GEORGE He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose! JERRY Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed! GEORGE What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police? JERRY Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy. GEORGE Hope he's not the guy. JERRY Couldn't be the guy...nah. GEORGE God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger. JERRY How can you think of food at the time like this? GEORGE Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted. JERRY I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast! GEORGE I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast. JERRY You should've had some eggs. GEORGE For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch? JERRY Have you ever heard of egg salad? GEORGE Why didn't you say something then? JERRY I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad? GEORGE I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed. JERRY I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there. GEORGE Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle. CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET JERRY I don't have any change. You've got any change? GEORGE No, I don't have any change. I never carry change. JERRY Well, we need change and all I have is twenties. GEORGE I have a ten. JERRY So, break it. GEORGE I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney. JERRY So, buy something. GEORGE What? JERRY I don't know, some mints or TicTacs. GEORGE Breath problem? JERRY No, I just want some change. GEORGE Tell me. JERRY Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious. GEORGE You know, I haven't eaten anything. JERRY I just wanna call the police! GEORGE Why don't you just call 911? JERRY But is this an emergency? GEORGE Of course it is. JERRY How is this an emergency? GEORGE Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies. JERRY All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza... GEORGE What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?! JERRY Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of? GEORGE What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name? JERRY Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us. GEORGE Really? JERRY Sure. GEORGE You think so? JERRY Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy. GEORGE Excuse me, where are we? MAN Earth. JERRY Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman. GEORGE Excuse me Ms. which street are we on? WOMAN I don't know. GEORGE You don't know? WOMAN I don't know. GEORGE How come you don't know what street are you on? WOMAN You don't know. JERRY George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up. (Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.) GEORGE Black and white? JERRY A cop car. GEORGE Why didn't you just say that? JERRY I thought it sounded kind of cool. GEORGE Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy. JERRY Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in. GEORGE I'll bet you, how much? JERRY Her tip. GEORGE You've got a bet. JERRY Ok. GEORGE How much do you tip a chamber maid? POLICE Which one of you is Costanza? (Jerry and George point at each other.) POLICE Get in. GEORGE Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or... KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS GEORGE Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window. JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE JERRY Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here. COP Cut it up back there. GEORGE He started it. JERRY I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights? COP I don't think so. JERRY But you could? COP Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want. COP 2 We could drive on the wrong side of the road. COP Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces. COP 2 Shoot people... GEORGE You guys ever shot anybody? COPS No... GEORGE Hey, can I flip on the siren? JERRY Why are you bothering them for? GEORGE I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no. COP Yeah, go ahead. GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN. GEORGE Wohoo, check it out. JERRY Can I try it? COP Yeah, go ahead, hurry up. JERRY TRIES THE SIREN JERRY Scared the hell out of that guy. GEORGE You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa? JERRY Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... JERRY AND GEORGE Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... COP Hey! KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH. KRAMER I'm dizzy. BACK TO THE POLICE CAR JERRY Nice shotgun. COP Thanks. JERRY Clean as a whistle. GEORGE You could eat of that shotgun. JERRY What is that, a 12 gauge? COP Yeah. JERRY 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge. GEORGE My favorite. JERRY Mine too, love the 12 gauge. GEORGE Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol. COP What do got over there? COP 2 I don't know. COP Looks like a possible 5-19. JERRY 5-19? What's a 5-19? GEORGE Where? COP 2 Think so? COP Looks like it. JERRY I can't believe this. A 5-19? GEORGE Where, where? I can't see. COP This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over. COP 2 All right, let's pull over and check it out. JERRY Pull over? You can't pull over. GEORGE What are you doing? Where do you think you're going? JERRY Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us. GEORGE Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here. JERRY We have an appointment! GEORGE What are you doing?! JERRY Great. COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR GEORGE There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there. JERRY Which flavor? GEORGE Milano. JERRY Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this? GEORGE Should I take some? JERRY I think that's a 5-19. GEORGE I'm starving... GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY JERRY They're busting this guy. GEORGE They're cuffing him. JERRY I can't believe this. GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE MONOLOGUE I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car." BACK TO POLICE CAR GEORGE Hi. JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry. GEORGE George, how you doing? GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS GUY What did you do? GEORGE Nothing. JERRY Nothing. GUY Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing! COP Shut up. JERRY Hot out. GUY Brutal. GEORGE What do you tip a chamber maid. GUY I don't know, five bucks a night. JERRY No, a dollar, two tops. GUY Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks? GEORGE Narks? JERRY Imagine, us narks? GEORGE No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer. GUY Really? Well, that's very nice. GEORGE Oh, thank you. JERRY Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it. GEORGE Yeah well, we don't think. JERRY We're pretty sure. GUY A dollar a night? JERRY Yeah, that's a good tip! GUY That stinks! JERRY I read it in Ann Landers. GUY Oh, Ann Landers sucks! COP 2 Hey, shut it up back there. POLICE RADIO Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702. COP That's smog strangler. JERRY Kramer. COP 2 Got him. Let's go. POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS JERRY I wanna see what's happening. GEORGE I don't know why I'm doing this. LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS KRAMER Jerry, George! LT. MARTEL You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang. THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE LEFT OPEN KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS REPORTERS Why did you do it? What possessed you? KRAMER I don't know... COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER KRAMER Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George! JERRY We're doing fine. How are you? KRAMER What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player. GEORGE A player? KRAMER Yeah, a player... JERRY Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here? KRAMER What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together. JERRY Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer! KRAMER So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George? JERRY Well, yeah...sure. POLICE Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you. KRAMER Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh? KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY JUST ONE MORE THING KRAMER Help me!! Help me! OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL KRAMER I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God! LT. MARTEL Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that? KRAMER You're making a big mistake. LT. MARTEL No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay. KRAMER What? LT. MARTEL Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again. KRAMER Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me! LT. MARTEL Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out. KRAMER Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain... LT. MARTEL I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory Kramer: you're a weed. KRAMER No... LT. MARTEL Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers. KRAMER SOBS LT. MARTEL You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer? KRAMER CRIES LT. MARTEL You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you? PHONE RINGS OFFICER Lieutenant, it's for you. LT. MARTEL Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah. KRAMER KEEPS CRYING OFFICER What it is, Lieutenant? LT. MARTEL Let him go. OFFICER What, but Lieutenant? LT. MARTEL You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight. KRAMER Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park? LT. MARTEL I said beat it! JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL KRAMER WALKS OUT KRAMER Hahaa! GEORGE What? JERRY What happened? KRAMER Somebody got killed while they had me in custody. JERRY Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed! GEORGE You're kidding? Somebody else got killed? JERRY While you were in jail. So you're free. KRAMER Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again! THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY LEAVE QUIETLY KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A. JERRY So Kramer, what are you going to do? KRAMER Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it. GEORGE Kramer, what the hell are you talking about? KRAMER What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say? GEORGE I'd like to hear that. JERRY Yeah... KRAMER Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl... JERRY Kramer, she was murdered! KRAMER Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV. GEORGE As a suspect in a serial killing. KRAMER Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything. GEORGE What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill. JERRY So you're not gonna come back to New York with us? KRAMER No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen. GEORGE Taste this, is this a dill? JERRY No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything. KRAMER Ok, it's forgotten. GEORGE Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy. JERRY Well, take it easy. KRAMER Yeah, ok. GEORGE Yeah, take care. Stay in touch. KRAMER Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug... JERRY Oh, no... GEORGE No, you're crushing my sandwich. JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS. JERRY Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you. BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV. GEORGE Mint? JERRY No thanks. GEORGE I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe. JERRY It's been three days already, forget about Lupe. GEORGE Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home? JERRY No, I don't. GEORGE You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps. JERRY Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too. GEORGE I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin. JERRY How much did you wound up tipping her? GEORGE Oh my God, I forgot! JERRY Well, communism didn't work. KRAMER WALKS IN KRAMER Hey! KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE KRAMER Any mustard? This is empty. JERRY Yeah, there's a new one in there. KRAMER No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles? JERRY Help yourself. KRAMER Yeah, all right. GEORGE Kramer, what are you doing here? KRAMER Getting something to eat. JERRY Kramer, here! JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA. ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON. NEWSCASTER Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper. (Comedy club) The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors." THE END |
THE IMPLANT | THE IMPLANT Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.' Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand. SIDRA Oh, hi Jerry. JERRY Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. SIDRA Really. JERRY Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare. SIDRA Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna. JERRY Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right? SIDRA Thursday night. JERRY Alright. Elaine walks over to Jerry. ELAINE Good workout? JERRY Tremendous workout. ELAINE That's a pretty girl. JERRY Tremendous girl. ELAINE She's the one you went out with last night? JERRY Yeah. I really like her. ELAINE You know, uh...they're fake. JERRY What? Don't say that! ELAINE Nah! They're fake! JERRY How do you know? ELAINE I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian? JERRY I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.) ELAINE Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect? JERRY Yes, they do! ELAINE I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man. JERRY A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room? ELAINE No. JERRY Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked. ELAINE I don't want to see her naked. JERRY Well, I do. ELAINE Well, that's your problem. JERRY Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up. ELAINE Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna? JERRY Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know! ELAINE But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself! JERRY Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her. ELAINE What's his problem? JERRY Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side. ELAINE Wrong side? JERRY Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left. ELAINE He can't go left. JERRY No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right? ELAINE Nah, we just play defense. New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats him to it. GEORGE Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats? BETSY Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people. GEORGE I'll shout. BETSY Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here. GEORGE C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad? BETSY What? (The phone rings.) GEORGE No, no, the machine'll get it... BETSY No, no, it's not on... GEORGE They'll call back. BETSY But George, what if it's an emergency? GEORGE In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three? BETSY George, please. (Gets up and answers the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh my god! GEORGE Alright, maybe four. New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra and some other women. We hear her thoughts. ELAINE'S BRAIN Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. (Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake. Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still on the phone. BETSY So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.) New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. JERRY You're sure? ELAINE Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money. JERRY Well then, that's it. That's the end of that. ELAINE What? Just 'cause of that? JERRY Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat! ELAINE Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference? JERRY You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril. ELAINE You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? JERRY Well, I take it very seriously. ELAINE You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like. KRAMER Well, I know what they feel like. JERRY You? How do you know? KRAMER Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months. ELAINE I thought you hated Los Angeles. KRAMER I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away. JERRY Real busy now down at the office? KRAMER No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie. ELAINE Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape. New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health club. GEORGE I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move. JERRY You put her on a pedestal. KRAMER I put them on a dental chair. JERRY He puts 'em on a dental chair. GEORGE I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend. KRAMER Whoo. It's like a sauna in here. GEORGE That's funny. You're a funny guy. JERRY Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral? GEORGE Why, you think I should? JERRY What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy! GEORGE I'm the consolation guy...? KRAMER Consolation Guy is big. JERRY Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you. KRAMER It's like ten dates in one shot. JERRY This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock! GEORGE It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight. KRAMER Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare? GEORGE What? GEORGE Really? KRAMER In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price! (George considers.) New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts. ELAINE'S BRAIN Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads. (Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.) ELAINE'S BRAIN Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley." SIDRA So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again. ELAINE Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. SIDRA Oh, that's o.k. ELAINE Did he give you a reason? SIDRA Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend. ELAINE Really? SIDRA He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi. ELAINE Hey, does he ever talk about Superman? SIDRA Yes! How did you know? ELAINE Oh, I know the type. SIDRA So you can relate? ELAINE Oh, yeah. SIDRA You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy. ELAINE Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.") Commercial break. New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. ELAINE So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her. JERRY You fell on her? ELAINE I touched 'em. JERRY You what? ELAINE I...touched...'em. JERRY You touched 'em?! ELAINE I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself! JERRY Wow. ELAINE Anyway...they're real. JERRY Excuse me?! ELAINE I think they might be real. JERRY Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience. ELAINE I've touched mine! JERRY So have I. ELAINE Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles) JERRY Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert. ELAINE Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular. JERRY Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.) New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken. GEORGE You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night. CLERK Oh, I'm very sorry. KRAMER I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew... CLERK You poor thing! KRAMER I...I... GEORGE You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you. CLERK You're a good friend. CLERK Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare. GEORGE The death certificate? CLERK Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage. GEORGE What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that? CLERK I know! But it happens. GEORGE You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight? CLERK That would be $387 round-trip. KRAMER Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh? CLERK Yes. Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. JERRY I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe! ELAINE Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em. JERRY But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable? ELAINE I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her! JERRY Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey! JERRY Hey. George off to Detroit? KRAMER Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico. ELAINE Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie. KRAMER Pffft - wrong. New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman Rushdie" talking to Sidra. JERRY There's Sidra. KRAMER There's Salman. JERRY Where? KRAMER Talkin' to that woman. JERRY Talkin' to Sidra? KRAMER If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman. JERRY I don't think that's Salman. KRAMER Well, I don't think they're real. JERRY If that's Rushdie, they're real. KRAMER If they're real, that's Rushdie. JERRY Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra. KRAMER I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman. New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together. KRAMER It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert. "SALMAN" You've lived in the desert? KRAMER Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast? "SALMAN" Yes, I've been there. KRAMER My name's Kramer. "SALMAN" Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer. KRAMER So, uh...what kind of work do you do? "SALMAN" I'm a writer. New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit. BETSY Have you met my boyfriend George? AUNT MAY No! (shakes George's hand.) BETSY George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, George. AUNT MAY Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way. GEORGE Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend. AUNT MAY Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat? BETSY I'm not very hungry. AUNT MAY They have some very nice snacks. FATHER JESSUP I'm about to get myself a snack. (Betsy starts to go for a snack.) GEORGE Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack. (George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.) FATHER JESSUP This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier. GEORGE Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.) FATHER JESSUP You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative. GEORGE Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from? New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after returning from the health club. KRAMER C'mon Jerry! JERRY Oh, how can you be so sure? KRAMER Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another! JERRY Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon! KRAMER Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture! JERRY Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind... KRAMER What, did you ask her? JERRY I'm gonna find out tonight. KRAMER Oh, yes indeed... Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit. DR. ALLENWOOD Why do you need a death certificate? GEORGE Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto. DR. ALLENWOOD Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it. GEORGE Oh, that would be wonderful. DR. ALLENWOOD It was very nice meeting you, George. GEORGE Likewise. (George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.) TIMMY What are you doing? GEORGE What? TIMMY Did...did you just double-dip that chip? GEORGE Excuse me? TIMMY You double-dipped the chip! GEORGE "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about? TIMMY You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again. GEORGE So...? TIMMY That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it! GEORGE Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.) TIMMY Oh, you don't, huh? GEORGE No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.) TIMMY Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They struggle in front of the snack table.) New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment. SIDRA I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.) JERRY Hey, would you mind switching seats? SIDRA Why? JERRY Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving. SIDRA O.K....(they switch places.) JERRY How ya doin'? SIDRA Good. How you doin'? JERRY Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her. SIDRA I hear that's how she died. JERRY Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger. SIDRA Well, a lot of women are having them done. JERRY Really? SIDRA Yeah. JERRY How do you like that. SIDRA A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done. JERRY Aw, you know people. SIDRA It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business. JERRY Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that. SIDRA What do you tell them? JERRY Whatever you want me to tell them. SIDRA Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that? JERRY No. SIDRA What if it's an emergency? JERRY Oh, there's no emergency... KRAMER Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency! JERRY Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting! KRAMER Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit. JERRY This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit? KRAMER Well, I like yours. JERRY I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there. KRAMER C'mon, what's wrong with my boys? JERRY Your boys should stay in their neighborhood. KRAMER Alright, c'mon! JERRY Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.) ELAINE Hi, Jer. JERRY Oh, hi, Elaine. ELAINE Oh...hi, Sidra - SIDRA Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into the living room.) JERRY What are you doing here? ELAINE I'm looking for Kramer. KRAMER Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there? JERRY Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we? SIDRA I was just leaving. JERRY Right, you were leaving. SIDRA I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that. JERRY That was an accident! SIDRA I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. (Sidra leaves.) Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting. BETSY Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again! DR. ALLENWOOD Go back to New York! Get out! New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking to Clerk no. 2. CLERK 2 Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way. GEORGE Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.) CLERK 2 What's this? GEORGE That's a picture of me next to the coffin. (We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.) CLERK 2 Nice try. GEORGE Not even close, huh? THE END |