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THE PEZ DISPENSER

THE PEZ DISPENSER Written by Larry David (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE ...pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein! GEORGE We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life! Y'know? Jerry enters JERRY Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything. GEORGE I was telling you about Noel. JERRY Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos... GEORGE (sarcastically) Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny... JERRY All right, I'm sorry. What about her? GEORGE What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now? JERRY I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good. GEORGE No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand... GEORGE How do I get the hand? JERRY We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening. GEORGE She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go... JERRY Yeah, that sounds like somethin'... GEORGE Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way. Kramer enters KRAMER Hey, smell my arm... Smell it! GEORGE With all due respect, I don't think so... JERRY That smells good, what is that? KRAMER The beach! JERRY The beach? GEORGE What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out! KRAMER I just joined the Polar Bear Club. JERRY You joined the Polar Bears?! GEORGE What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"? KRAMER Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating.... JERRY Yeah... So's shock therapy. JERRY (with glee) What is that, a Pez dispenser?! KRAMER Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market. GEORGE Hey, what goes on there, exactly? JERRY You don't know? GEORGE No, I-I-I know... (retreats back to his Chinese take out) I know... JERRY You think they have fleas there, don't you? GEORGE No... JERRY Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there. GEORGE All right, I think they have fleas there. So what... ELAINELAINE I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers? JERRY They have a piano backstage they warm up on. ELAINELAINE No, we would have heard it. JERRY What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? GEORGE I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. JERRY (quickly whispering) I resent that you said that! That's directed at me, isn't it?! A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano. JERRY Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps) STEVE Something I said? (no response) It's John... Mollika. ELAINELAINE Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi... STEVE What're you doing down here? ELAINE Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing. MOLLIKA Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. ELAINE We did. We're just hanging out. MOLLIKA REally. ... You really look great. ELAINE Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel? MOLLIKA Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy. ELAINE Have you thought about an intervention? MOLLIKA What's that? ELAINE You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now. MOLLIKA He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry. Cut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser. Outside Noel's dressing room ELAINELAINE I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry! GEORGE What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place? JERRY I dunno, it was an impulse. GEORGE What kind of a sick impulse does that?? JERRY How could I know she would start to laugh? ELAINELAINE I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am! JERRY Can we just go in already? GEORGE What are we gonna tell her? ELAINELAINE I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. GEORGE No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk... ELAINELAINE (To Jerry) Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. JERRY What about? GEORGE Hey, hey! We're discussing something! JERRY I know, but I'm distracted now. GEORGE What are you? A baby!? All right. Tell her. E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika. JERRY Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing? ELAINE He's good. GEORGE Uh, can we cut to the chase? JERRY "Cut to the chase"? GEORGE Yeah... JERRY What're you, "Joe Hollywood"? GEORGE A lot of people say it. JERRY I would lose that. GEORGE (Accusingly) What's that? JERRY "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression! GEORGE (Realizing full well it isn't) ...Yes it is. ELAINE Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention. JERRY Really, an intervention ... GEORGE Y'know people, we got a situation over here! ELAINE Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it. JERRY Me? Why me? ELAINE 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you. JERRY Y'know these things are really hard to load... GEORGE All right, OK, I'm goin' in. JERRY We've got to talk about this (to Elaine) ELAINE All right. (They Enter) GEORGE Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful. NOEL No.. GEORGE Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel JERRY You play a Hell of a piano. ELAINE Yeah, I was really moved, really moved. NOEL Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was humiliated... ELAINE Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you. NOEL Well then, what was she laughing at? JERRY Pez? NOEL Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her? GEORGE Me, uh, uh, no, ... JERRY Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. ELAINE Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg. JERRY Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed. NOEL I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. (exits) ELAINE I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being. GEORGE If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other) (Noel enters) GEORGE All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat. NOEL I don't feel like it tonight. JERRY We'll be outside ELAINE Yeah JERRY It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play? N I just crack my knuckles. GEORGE We'll have a good time N I don't feel like it GEORGE Ah, come on N I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! GEORGE Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu�. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. (exits) (MONKS) JERRY You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place. ELAINE What? How? JERRY A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it. ELAINE So? What happened? JERRY What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead. ELAINE Shut up! JERRY All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same. ELAINE Whar about Kramer? JERRY He's the same! (Jerry on phone at home) JERRY Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. (to Kramer) Remember Ricie Appel? KRAMER (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson? JERRY Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here. KRAMER Can I get in on that? JERRY What do you think? It's like a poker game? KRAMER Is Elaine going? JERRY Yeah KRAMER Well, I knew him as well as she did. JERRY Yeah, but John invited her. KRAMER So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene? JERRY No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. Buzzer GEORGE It's George JERRY Stop smelling your arm. KRAMER You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach JERRY Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea." KRAMER Tell me about it! JERRY Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also. (George enters) GEORGE Well it's over. It's definitely over. JERRY She broke up with you? GEORGE No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about. JERRY What was on the list? GEORGE Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink, JERRY Yeah, Postum is under-ratted, GEORGE Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means. JERRY What's wrong with lunch? GEORGE Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it. KRAMER I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble? GEORGE I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand. KRAMER Break up with her GEORGE What? KRAMER You break up with her. You reverse everything that way. JERRY A preemptive breakup. GEORGE A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant. (MONKS) GEORGE So, I am have to going to break up with you. NOEL You're breaking up with me? GEORGE I, ... am breaking up with, ... you. NOEL Wow. GEORGE Shocked? NOEL I really am. GEORGE Never expected this did you? NOEL I thought everything was fine. GEORGE Well, live and learn. NOEL I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles? GEORGE Kind of. NOEL I'm very confused. GEORGE Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid. NOEL I thought,... GEORGE Now, stop it ... NOEL What do you want, I can make you happy. GEORGE When you're playing the piano do you think about me? NOEL I don't know. GEORGE This is what I'm talking about. NOEL OK, I'll think about you. GEORGE All the time. NOEL All the time? ... OK, All the time. GEORGE I can't hear you. NOEL All the time. ALL THE TIME. GEORGE See, It's not so hard. (CALVIN KLEIN) KRAMER Go ahead smell, smell STEVE Yeah, so? KRAMER Do you recognize it? ... The beach. STEVE What are you talking about? KRAMER Oh, I'm talking about the beach. STEVE What about it? KRAMER You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah. STEVE That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. KRAMER Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said? STEVE Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour. KRAMER So you don't think it's a good idea? THE INTERVENTION I may have confused the names of some of the male interveners below) To Elaine GUY The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there ELAINE (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that? GUY Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me. To Jerry OTHER GUY Are there any ice cubes? JERRY In the freezer. OTHER GUY I looked. There aren't any ice cubes. JERRY Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes. OTHER GUY I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away) GUY Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes? STEVE What's the plan? JERRY Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking. OTHER GUY Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either. GUY No, we all have to talk. ELAINE What's the order? GUY We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta. ROBERTA Why am I first? ELAINE Albano is your last name. ROBERTA That's not my name any more. I'm divorced. STEVE I'll go first. Kramer enters KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Is this the interference? JERRY Intervention. OTHER GUY What are you doing here? KRAMER Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention? STEVE Hey, this is for close friends only. KRAMER I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head? OTHER GUY Let him stay. KRAMER Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth. STEVE Somebody's going to make that crap? Some old guys enter OLD GUY Kramer! KRAMER Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies. OTHER GUY They can't stay. OLD GUY We're having a party here? JERRY No, we're having an intervention OLD GUY An intervention? Who's intervening? JERRY There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him. OLD GUY Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?" Buzzer GUY It's him. ROBERTA What should we do? ELAINE Hide! JERRY It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom) GEORGE It's George JERRY Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him. GUY If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender. ELAINE Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now. GUY Is it because I have a tissue in my nose? ELAINE You're getting warm. George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful) GEORGE We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on. JERRY We're having the intervention for Richie. GEORGE Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave? JERRY Well, uh.. NOEL (happily) Elaine, hi. ELAINE Oh, hi Noel (Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them) JERRY Well, you're looking well. GEORGE Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer. STEVE Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on. GEORGE (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius! STEVE You think so? GEORGE I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you OLD MAN The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy. ELAINE (Chuckles) Old GUY; at least give me a pocket. ELAINE (laughs) Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven NOEL That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one. ELAINE No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg. NOEL You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?. JERRY I didn't know she would laugh. NOEL You lied to me George, you lied to me. GEORGE No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going? NOEL I ... am breaking up ... with you! GEORGE You can't break up with me. I've got hand. NOEL And you're going to need it. Noel exits, George chases her Richie and John enter JERRY Hey Richie RICHIE So what's going on? Later JERRY It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back. GEORGE I can't do these puzzles. JERRY So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table GEORGE Ah ah Pez dispenser. JERRY He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them GEORGE Well they're hard to load. JERRY Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. GEORGE Poor kid. JERRY So as he's telling the story he starts crying. GEORGE What did you do? JERRY What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser. GEORGE Wow JERRY Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. GEORGE What's a three letter word for candy? JERRY I can't do those things. THE END

THE SERENITY NOW

THE SERENITY NOW Written by Steve Koren (The Costanzas are driving in the car.) FRANK I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward. ESTELLE That's as far as it goes. FRANK There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight. ESTELLE I pulled it. It doesn't go. FRANK If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism! GEORGE All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways. FRANK Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now! GEORGE What is that? FRANK Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!' GEORGE Are you supposed to yell it? FRANK The man on the tape wasn't specific. GEORGE What happened to the screen door? It blew off again? ESTELLE I told you to fix that thing. FRANK Serenity nowww! PATTY So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish place La Caridad on Saturday. JERRY Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener. PATTY Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away. JERRY What? All right, fine. PATTY Are you mad at me? JERRY No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is. PATTY You know... I've never seen you mad. JERRY I get peeved. PATTY Mad. JERRY Miffed. PATTY *Mad*. JERRY Irked? PATTY I'd like to see you get *really* mad. GEORGE Why does she want you to be mad? JERRY She says I suppress my emotions. GEORGE So what do you care what she thinks. JERRY Good body. GEORGE She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that. JERRY But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell. GEORGE Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here! KRAMER (Laughing) What is that, a new bit? GEORGE I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens? JERRY Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx. KRAMER I'll do it. GEORGE Really? You wanna come? KRAMER Yeah, I love going to the country. ELAINE Where are they goin'? JERRY Fix a screen door in Queens. ELAINE (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night? JERRY Not goin' to the Knick game. ELAINE I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah. JERRY You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift. ELAINE (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible. KRAMER (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect. GEORGE Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off. ESTELLE I hate that old door. Throw it out! FRANK Serenity now! KRAMER It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya. FRANK Will you put her to rest for me? KRAMER Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door) ESTELLE (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage. GEORGE Dad, what's all this? ESTELLE (From other room) It's junk. FRANK My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up! GEORGE You're selling computers? FRANK Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched. GEORGE Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM? FRANK Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son. JERRY Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk! PATTY OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it. JERRY You're damn right you're not buying it! PATTY You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open. JERRY I'm open. There's just nothing in there. PATTY Sarcastically) Uh huh. JERRY Oh, you think I'm lying about this? PATTY I think you are. JERRY Well, I'm not. PATTY Yes, you are, liar. JERRY Oh, stop it. PATTY OK, liar. JERRY That's enough! PATTY Ooh, that was good. JERRY Really? It felt good. ELAINE Congratulations, Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man. ELAINE Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine) ADAM I'm a man! JERRY Tongue? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23. JERRY Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man. ELAINE And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings) JERRY Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class. ELAINE Where did that come from? JERRY Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that? ELAINE No. JERRY Good. GEORGE All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers. JERRY What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match. GEORGE Kramer. KRAMER Yeah. GEORGE What-what are you doing? KRAMER Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet. JERRY What do you need it for? KRAMER (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. GEORGE Morning, ma. ESTELLE (From another room ) You're late! GEORGE Morning, dad. FRANK I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun. LLOYD (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar. GEORGE What is Lloyd Braun doing here? FRANK Your mother recommended him. GEORGE Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution? FRANK I didn't read his resume. BRAUN (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board. GEORGE (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this? Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun. Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd! ELAINE So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted. ADAM I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone. ELAINE Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday. ADAM Are you free Friday night? ELAINE I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s. ADAM But I'm a man. The rabbi said so. ELAINE No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet. ADAM Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion! LIPPMAN Who wants cookies? ADAM As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit! LIPPMAN What? ELAINE (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm. FRANK You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik. ESTELLE (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik! FRANK Serenity now! GEORGE You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit! FRANK I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles) GEORGE You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now! ELAINE Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man. ADAM (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'! ELAINE Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried. LIPPMAN So, that's the type of guy you're looking for? ELAINE Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her) PATTY (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this? JERRY (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey. KRAMER (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor. JERRY Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely. KRAMER Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to. JERRY You barbecuing tonight? KRAMER (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks. JERRY So, where do you want to eat tonight? PATTY How about La Caridad again? JERRY Again!? How much flan can a person eat!? PATTY Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon. JERRY Well, I don't think more flan is the answer! PATTY Maybe I should just leave. JERRY 'Maybe'!? PATTY Good-bye! JERRY Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler) KRAMER Hey, buddy! ELAINE (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year! Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall... ELAINE Did you and Patty just break up? JERRY Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it! ELAINE Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad. JERRY That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood. ELAINE Whoa. What is the matter? JERRY It's Patty. ELAINE Jerry, you break up with a girl every week. JERRY (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge? ELAINE Oh my God. You're crying. JERRY This is horrible! I care! JERRY Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her. KRAMER She's really gotten to you, hasn't she? JERRY I don't know what's happening to me. KRAMER Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box. JERRY That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora. KRAMER Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters) GEORGE Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment) KRAMER (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either! GEORGE (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick. JERRY You ever heard of a little thing called feelings? GEORGE Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes. JERRY Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you? GEORGE What? JERRY I love you, George. Come here. GEORGE I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go. JERRY Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you. KRAMER Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink? JERRY Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer! KRAMER I love you, too, buddy, and George-- GEORGE I don't want to hear it, Kramer! KRAMER Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast. GEORGE What signal? What-what signal? KRAMER I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!' GEORGE If I do it, will you buy a computer? KRAMER On the signal, George. On the signal. GEORGE Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale. JERRY I love you, Costanza. GEORGE Will you shut up?! KRAMER Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa! ELAINE So now the *other* Lippman kissed me. GEORGE Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa. ELAINE What? GEORGE It means a non-Jewish woman. ELAINE I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it? GEORGE You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother. ELAINE Oh, that's insane. GEORGE I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer. ELAINE I am not buying a computer from you. GEORGE There's porn. ELAINE (Pausing) Even so. GEORGE Damn it! ELAINE Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa. LIPPMAN That's simply not true. ELAINE If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me. LIPPMAN You are wrong. I'll prove it. ELAINE Oh, no. Don't! LIPPMAN I renounce Judaism! ELAINE Oy vey! JERRY What happened to you, pal? KRAMER Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's. JERRY Are you all right? KRAMER Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now. JERRY So, you're using Frank's relaxation method? Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now! Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you? KRAMER Serenity! (He exits) ELAINE Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at? JERRY Sit down, Elaine. ELAINE Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing. JERRY I've been thinking about what it means to be complete. ELAINE Do you have an apple or anything? JERRY Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble. ELAINE Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine. JERRY Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning... ELAINE Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana! JERRY When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us! ELAINE What? JERRY Elaine... GEORGE (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg? JERRY I'm asking Elaine to marry me. George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment. JERRY Elaine? ELAINE Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now. JERRY Lippman? Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on! JERRY Can I help you? ELAINE No. Stay! Stay. Stay. FRANK Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt! George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen? FRANK Costanza, you're white hot! PHONE If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and-- FRANK Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the SAME you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik! ESTELLE You're not gonna give away that water pik! FRANK You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now! LLOYD You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow. GEORGE What do you know? You were in the nut house. LLOYD What do you think put me there? GEORGE I heard they found a family in your freezer LLOYD Serenity now. Insanity later. JERRY (Entering the hallway to his apartment) What happened here, Kramer? KRAMER Serenity now, serenity now... JERRY Kramer! KRAMER Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now. JERRY You don't look well. KRAMER Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now. JERRY Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose. Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww! GEORGE Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun! KRAMER (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now! GEORGE Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers? KRAMER (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww! GEORGE Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers? KRAMER (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one. JERRY He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it? GEORGE Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it. JERRY George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you? GEORGE All right... here goes... ELAINE Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal? RABBI Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch. ELAINE Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop. RABBI Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date? ELAINE (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...? RABBI You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie? GEORGE So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me. JERRY Yikes. Well, good luck with all that. GEORGE Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion. JERRY I think you scared me straight. ELAINE All right, Jerome, I'm in. JERRY What? ELAINE Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it. JERRY I tell ya, I don't see it happening. ELAINE What? What happened to the new Jerry? JERRY He doesn't work here anymore. ELAINE Oh, well that's just *great!* GEORGE I love you, Jerry. Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick. GEORGE You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together. ELAINE Well, that's because you're an idiot. FRANK You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy. GEORGE Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales? FRANK He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell. ESTELLE I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in! FRANK This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now! ESTELLE All right... GEORGE Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff. FRANK So, what am I supposed to say? GEORGE 'Hoochie mama'? ESTELLE Move your crap, I'm comin' in! FRANK No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! THE END

THE BRIS

THE BRIS Written by Larry Charles INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1) STAN ...And so the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, drops the camera, the camera breaks, then , the placenta comes flying out. ELAINE Whoa. STAN And then doctor says... JERRY Thank you, that's enough. JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED. STAN Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck... JERRY (LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah. STAN Look at that JERRY, look at that. Sucking, sucking... JERRY Yeah, I looked. I saw. STAN This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it? JERRY Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable? STAN Look at him. JERRY How long do they do that? STAN Oh, a year or two. JERRY No break? STAN Then comes the weaning. JERRY So after the sucking, comes the weaning. ELAINE First the sucking then the weaning. JERRY Well, you gotta wean. STAN Gotta wean. ELAINE It's a must wean situation. PAUSE. GEORGE What about that spot I got? JERRY Yeah, that's a great spot. GEORGE You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front of JERRY's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of the post office? JERRY Yes. GEORGE I'm driving to the post office. JERRY (INTERRUPTING) GEORGE. GEORGE Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. You can still get a great space in this town - if you apply yourself. JERRY Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now. ELAINE Did you give him the room number? JERRY Yes, 1397. CUT TO: (KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies) ACT ONE SCENE B INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1 KRAMER, WANDERING. KRAMER 1937, 1937, 1937... A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM PATIENT Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is? KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. KRAMER Uh.. over there... PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM. KRAMER (CONT'D) 1937. HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE C IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1 KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT, SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING. KRAMER Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man! CUT TO: (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra, KRAMER (Steven) ACT ONE SCENE D INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1 STAN ..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE, we have something we want to ask you. GEORGE Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me. JERRY Will you shut up. ELAINE I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore. JERRY So what were you about to say, STAN? STAN Myra and I would like you and ELAINE to be the Godparents of Steven. ELAINE Wow. JERRY Me? A godfather? STAN Yes. JERRY (A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, ELAINE. ELAINE What? KRAMER ENTERS. KRAMER The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES SOUND). GEORGE KRAMER, what the hell are you talking about? KRAMER I'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE. I went into the wrong room and there he was. GEORGE A pigman? KRAMER Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man. ELAINE That's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in being a Godparent? JERRY (A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't ever ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather." MYRA Nothing really. STAN The most important thing is to help with the bris. JERRY The bris? ELAINE The bris? KRAMER A bris? you mean snip snip? STAN Yeah. KRAMER I would advise against that. ELAINE KRAMER. It's a tradition. KRAMER Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore. JERRY Well, maybe we should. GEORGE Why are all those people milling around my car? KRAMER I don't know. JERRY Maybe they're admiring your spot. KRAMER No. They're all looking up. GEORGE. Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital. KRAMER Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was. GEORGE Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no! BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S CAR. GEORGE My car! My car! GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM. CUT TO: (JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER) ACT ONE SCENE E INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2) JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS HIS FACE BURIED IN THE NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS. ELAINE A mohel! What the hell is a mohel? JERRY A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision. ELAINE Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) How do you find a mohel? Motels, models.. JERRY Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they do it. How would you like that job? ELAINE Have you ever seen one? JERRY You mean that wasn't - ELAINE Yeah. JERRY No.. you? ELAINE Ya. JERRY What'd you think? ELAINE (SHAKES HER HEAD) No... JERRY Not good? ELAINE No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a martian. But hey, that's me. JERRY Hey. GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE. GEORGE Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's not gonna be me. JERRY Ah, you're screwed. GEORGE I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. That's city property. What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again if his life depended on it... ELAINE Well I have to interview a Mohel. JERRY Oh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels. SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM OF REVELATION. JERRY What's the matter? ELAINE Are you alright? KRAMER Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (RE:PAPER) Look at that. JERRY What now? HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER JERRY (CONT'D) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so? KRAMER Pigman, baby. Pigman. ELAINE Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time... KRAMER I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties. JERRY Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen. KRAMER Oh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors. GEORGE I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!" JERRY Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on." ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. ELAINE (MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough JERRY Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this? ELAINE No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel. KRAMER You should call this off, ELAINE. It's a barbaric ritual. ELAINE Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads. ELAINE LEAVES. GEORGE But KRAMER, isn't it a question of hygiene? KRAMER Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more pleasurable. GEORGE Yeah. So how does that help me? JERRY (TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you ever seen one? GEORGE Yeah, my roommate in college. JERRY So what'd you think? GEORGE I got used to it. DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE G (JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER) INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY. JERRY Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man. KRAMER Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be the same. JERRY Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men. KRAMER Believe me, JERRY, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of pigman cries for help. JERRY If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here. KRAMER I can't let this go on. JERRY Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention is to ...emancipate him? KRAMER That's right. (CALLING OUT) Sue-wee! JERRY KRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM. JERRY (CONT'D) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's GEORGE. GEORGE APPROACHES. GEORGE Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys by the car. KRAMER You got room for the pig-man? GEORGE The pig-man can take the bus. KRAMER You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride. GEORGE How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater? KRAMER Come on GEORGE, be realistic. GEORGE All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later. GEORGE EXITS. CUT TO: (GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler) ACT ONE SCENE H INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2 THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK. MRS. SWEEDLER Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence. GEORGE Well, I join them in their grief. Mrs. Sweedler Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat... GEORGE Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler? Mrs. Sweedler Mrs. Sweedler's fine. GEORGE You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way. Mrs. SWEEDLER How is that? GEORGE Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and all. Mrs. SWEEDLER Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat. GEORGE Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable. Mrs. SWEEDLER (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame. GEORGE Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy. SHE GLARES Mrs.Sweedler Mr.Constanza. GEORGE Yes. Mrs. SWEEDLER A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise - GEORGE Yes. Mrs. SWEEDLER ... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it. GEORGE (PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but.. Mrs. SWEEDLER (WITH ANGER) How dare you. GEORGE What? Mrs. SWEEDLER Have you no decency? Have you no shame? GEORGE Yes.. you know, depending. Mrs. SWEEDLER Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office. GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT. GEORGE Should I leave these with you? Mrs. SWEEDLER Get out! HE EXITS. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE J (JERRY, KRAMER, resident) INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. JERRY TRIES TO LOOK INCONSPICUOUS. KRAMER Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before? RESIDENT I don't know what you're talking about. KRAMER You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB). RESIDENT No. KRAMER (STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you? RESIDENT Sir? KRAMER Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink. RESIDENT I really have some patients I have to attend to. HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY. KRAMER (TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is he?! RESIDENT Half-what? KRAMER You know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks. RESIDENT Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall. KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY. JERRY Alright KRAMER, enough of this. Let's go find GEORGE. KRAMER You go ahead. KRAMER WALKS OFF. JERRY KRAMER BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE K (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER, STAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman, (STEVEN)) INT FLICKS' DAY 3 JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, AND ASSORTED GUESTS JERRY Where's the Mohel? ELAINE He'll be here. JERRY He's late already. ELAINE Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked. JERRY How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship? ELAINE I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport. JERRY Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me. ELAINE What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands. JERRY Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship. ELAINE yes it is level jumping. ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN. GEORGE So uh... ever been to a bris before? WOMAN No. GEORGE If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close to me. I'll get you through it. WOMAN I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage. GEORGE Oh. ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE IS SOBBING. KRAMER Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch? MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING KRAMER (cont'd) She'll be okay. HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER. ELAINE What's wrong with you? KRAMER Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on? ELAINE Hey have you ever seen one of those? KRAMER No. ELAINE Well I have and believe me it's no picnic. KRAMER Oh, how bad could it be? ELAINE (TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one? MAN One what? ELAINE ... you know MAN I have. WOMAN I have. ELAINE And? ALL (SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No... GEORGE I got used to it. SFX: DOORBELL. RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE DOOR. ALL (CONT'd) (ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel is here. THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG. EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE ASSEMBLED GUESTS. MOHEL Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all... A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS. MOHEL (CONT'D) Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY. MOHEL (CONT'D) (CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris and... SFX: BABY CRYING MOHEL (CONT'D) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane?!!! MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS FOREHEAD. ELAINE Did you find the place alright? MOHEL Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point. ELAINE Do you feel alright? MOHEL (TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do you? THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA. ELAINE (TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended. ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER KRAMER (TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching. MOHEL Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!? NO RESPONSE. MOHEL (cont;d) (WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby? ELAINE JERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY! JERRY (UNCERTAIN) Yeah. ELAINE JERRY go over there. JERRY All right. ELAINE Go. JERRY I'm going. ELAINE C'MON JERRY Don't push me. MOHEL Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I need the baby! KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS THE BABY TIGHTLY. KRAMER I can't let you do this. (AD-LIB KRAMER! EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM. KRAMER. I can't let you do this! PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS A STRUGGLE. ALL (AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER! KRAMER No! No! I won't! THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER. MOHEL People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something. THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT. MOHEL (CONT'D) Damn. PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP. MOHEL (CONT'D) No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away! (MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway. HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED, NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES THE INSTRUMENT. ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS THE INSTRUMENT DOWN. SFX: CROWD SCREAMING. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE L (JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER) INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3 JERRY Hurry up GEORGE! Step on it! GEORGE Alright, alright! JERRY That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised my finger! ELAINE You flinched. JERRY Flinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE, did I flinch? ELAINE How should he know He blacked out. He fainted. GEORGE It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black. JERRY Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger! GEORGE Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car. KRAMER What about the baby? JERRY The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me. ELAINE Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches. JERRY Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me! GEORGE Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that? Cut to: ACT two SCENE JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER, Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse) (GUARDS)) Int Hospital Day 3 JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR. JERRY I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness. KRAMER You'll be okay. I'll see you later. KRAMER EXITS GEORGE Where's he going? ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB. GEORGE (con'td) I'm gonna look for a bathroom. MOHEL ENTERS. JERRY Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger. MOHEL (RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched! JERRY Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook? MOHEL (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again! JERRY Good mohel picking, ELAINE. You picked a helluva mohel. MOHEL One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon. JERRY Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy. MOHEL Butcher Boy?! JERRY What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this? MOHEL What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY) JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE. MOHEL (cont;d) It was your fault! JERRY It was not! ELAINE JERRY, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife! THE FLICKS ENTER. STAN Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here? STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP OF FIGHT. STAN (cont'd) You two should be ashamed of yourselves. MOHEL Ah, blood. ELAINE How's the baby? STAN The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby. MOHEL Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby. ALL (AD LIB) Amen. THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS. MOHEL I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card. THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT. JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE. DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE N INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4) JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITH BANDAGED FINGER, JERRY I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy. ELAINE You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close. SFX:BUZZER JERRY It's the Flicks. GEORGE (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig. Yeah, okay, thanks a lot. KRAMER ENTERS. GEORGE So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?" KRAMER No. GEORGE And he's not a pigman is he? KRAMER NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient. THE FLICKS ENTER JERRY Hi STAN, hi Myra. ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY. MYRA Don't touch him JERRY What's wrong? STAN You're out, JERRY. You're out as Godfather. You too, ELAINE. You're both out. ELAINE BUT- STAN We want KRAMER. KRAMER (A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored. KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO EXIT JERRY But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special relationship. KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR. STAN (CONT'D) Godfather. MYRA Godfather. THE END

THE REVENGE

THE REVENGE Written by Larry David LEVITAN Remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing) GEORGE That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit! KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself. JERRY Well, what'd you say? KRAMER I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something. JERRY What's his problem? KRAMER No job. No women. JERRY He called the right guy. KRAMER What am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him? JERRY All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry. KRAMER Why don't you use the machines down in the basement? JERRY Fluff and fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight. KRAMER How 'bout if I put a few things -- JERRY Wait a sec. I don't wanna do -- KRAMER Well, you're going over there. JERRY I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot. KRAMER Have you ever met my guys? JERRY No. I can't say as I have. KRAMER Well! JERRY All right. Put 'em on top. KRAMER Ah! JERRY Oh, beautiful. This stuff on top is my friends'. Could I get it done in a separate machine? VIC I'll have to charge you for another machine. JERRY Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across. GEORGE Guess what. JERRY How did you know I was here? GEORGE Kramer. Guess what. JERRY I don't know. GEORGE I quit my job. JERRY Get outta here. GEORGE I couldn't take it anymore. VIC You can have this on Monday. JERRY What happened? Levitan? GEORGE I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting! JERRY You and your toilets. GEORGE I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs) JERRY So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate? GEORGE Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible. JERRY So what are you gonna do? GEORGE I like sports. I could do something in sports. JERRY Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity? GEORGE You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. JERRY Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. GEORGE Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. JERRY Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. GEORGE What about that? JERRY Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. GEORGE Well, that's really not fair. JERRY I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like? GEORGE Movies. I like to watch movies. JERRY Yeah. Yeah. GEORGE Do they pay people to watch movies? JERRY Projectionists. GEORGE That's true. JERRY But you gotta know how to work the projector. GEORGE Right. JERRY And it's probably a union thing. GEORGE (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host? JERRY Talk show host. That's good. GEORGE I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host. JERRY Really? GEORGE Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start? JERRY Well, that's where it gets tricky. GEORGE You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host." JERRY I wouldn't think so. GEORGE It's all politics. JERRY All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? GEORGE This could have been a huge mistake. JERRY Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through. GEORGE (sighs) What should I do? JERRY Maybe you can just go back. GEORGE Go back? JERRY Yeah. Pretend like it never happened. GEORGE You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened? JERRY Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously. GEORGE Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. JERRY Never happened. GEORGE I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what? JERRY So what? You're entitled. GEORGE I'm emotional. JERRY That's right. You're emotional. GEORGE Never happened. JERRY Never happened. GEORGE How ya doin'? GLENDA What are you doing here? GEORGE What? I work here. GLENDA I thought you quit. GEORGE What quit? (laughing) Who quit? DAN Bill, how was your weekend? BILL Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend? DAN Fine weekend. GEORGE Yeah. Good weekend. DAN Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday. GEORGE Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. LEVITAN Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon? AVA I got a little tied up. LEVITAN I'll bet you did. (laughter breaks out in boardroom) LEVITAN I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here? GEORGE What? LEVITAN Am I crazy, or didn't you quit? GEORGE When? LEVITAN Friday. GEORGE Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously? LEVITAN You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff? GEORGE Come on. Will you stop it. LEVITAN No brains? No ability? GEORGE Teasing. LEVITAN Okay. I want you outta here. GEORGE I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? LEVITAN You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser. GEORGE " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me. JERRY Well, so that's that. GEORGE No. That's not that. JERRY That's not that? GEORGE No. JERRY Well, if that's not that, what is that? GEORGE I've got some plans. I got plans. JERRY What kind of plans? GEORGE What's the difference? JERRY You don't wanna tell me? GEORGE I'm gonna slip him a mickey. JERRY What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What? Are you Peter Lorre? GEORGE You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing. JERRY What if you destroy him? GEORGE No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over. JERRY Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal. GEORGE This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey! JERRY You've really gone mental. GEORGE Nah. JERRY Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"! GEORGE I got a sauce. JERRY You got a mickey sauce? GEORGE And Elaine is gonna keep him busy. JERRY Elaine? How did you rope her into this? GEORGE I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife. JERRY She knew that. GEORGE But she didn't know he doesn't recycle. JERRY What is the point of all this? GEORGE Revenge. JERRY Oh, the best revenge is living well. GEORGE There's no chance of that. JERRY Did you get your laundry? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY What's with you? KRAMER He jumped. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah. Newman jumped. JERRY Did he call you last night? KRAMER Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. JERRY What did you say? KRAMER I said " Wave to me when you pass my window." JERRY Whew. Did he wave? KRAMER No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me. JERRY Oh, my god! KRAMER What's the matter? JERRY Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go. KRAMER Where? Where? JERRY To the Laundromat. VIC I never saw it. KRAMER Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing? VIC Hey, you see that sign right there? JERRY Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? VIC I'm not responsible. JERRY So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry? VIC You ever hear of a bank? JERRY Come on. Let's go. KRAMER No. You can't let him get away with this. ELAINE Which one is he? GEORGE That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish. ELAINE Oh, yeah. I see him. GEORGE Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this. ELAINE Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? GEORGE This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done. ELAINE Yeah. It is kind of cool. GEORGE First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone. ELAINE I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies. GEORGE That's exactly what I told Jerry! ELAINE Really? GEORGE Yes! (both laughing) GEORGE God, I've never felt so alive! JERRY Maybe we should call this off. KRAMER Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine. JERRY And what's gonna happen? KRAMER Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block! JERRY If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor. KRAMER You keep him busy. (Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around) (Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine) KRAMER Whoa! (lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards and slams into dryer) GEORGE You go over there - ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink. ELAINE Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? LEVITAN Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield. ELAINE Oops! 'Scuse me. LEVITAN Yeah. GREENY I'm gonna get some food. You want some? LEVITAN Nah. ELAINE Hi. LEVITAN Hi. ELAINE (sneezes) LEVITAN God bless you. ELAINE Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou! LEVITAN You're welcome. ELAINE People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that? LEVITAN No. ELAINE So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week. LEVITAN Nudist colony? ELAINE Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah! LEVITAN (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony. ELAINE Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked. LEVITAN Seriously? ELAINE Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day. GEORGE (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? GLENDA What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats. GEORGE (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here. GLENDA What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired. GEORGE (whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine. ELAINE I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked. LEVITAN Who are you? ELAINE Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble. (lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him to pour concrete all over machine) JERRY What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that? (opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as a cloud of concrete covers his face) JERRY Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle? (Kramer emptying bag into machine) JERRY What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament? (finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag & drops it on the floor) (Kramer giving "OK" sign) (Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of the machine) JERRY What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? (Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body covered with dry concrete) KRAMER I didn't realize it was a full box. GEORGE I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off. GLENDA I don't' wear a wig. GEORGE One... ELAINE No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. (Levitan & Elaine laughing) ELAINE I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra. (George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink) (Elaine & Levitan laughing) GEORGE Hello, Rick. LEVITAN Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here! GEORGE That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me! LEVITAN You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man. GEORGE Oh! LEVITAN I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap. GEORGE Boom! (all laughing) LEVITAN You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh? GEORGE Oh. LEVITAN Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want. GEORGE You want me to come back? Uh... LEVITAN Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast! GEORGE Rick. LEVITAN Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties. GEORGE Uh, Rick.. LEVITAN And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible.. GEORGE Rick. LEVITAN I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this? GEORGE Drink up. I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something. ELAINE Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree. JERRY Yeah. That's true. What? My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it? KRAMER It was in my laundry. JERRY In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be? KRAMER It was about 1200 bucks. NEWMAN Kramer! KRAMER Oh! That's Newman. NEWMAN I'm on the roof! KRAMER Well, what are you waiting for? JERRY Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money.. GEORGE I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. KRAMER You wanna shoot some pool tonight? NEWMAN I can't. I'm goin' to the movies. GEORGE Nah. It's probably a union thing. THE END

THE CONTEST

THE CONTEST Written by Larry David (Monk's Coffee shop) (Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating lunch) JERRY (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. ELAINE Mm-hm. JERRY You're a hostage, captured by terrorists- ELAINE (Smiling, chewing) Who, me? JERRY You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry? ELAINE (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. KRAMER (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off! (Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state) KRAMER Hey, Georgie. JERRY AND ELAINE Hi. (George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer) JERRY (To George) What's the matter? GEORGE (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. JERRY "Caught" you? Doing what? GEORGE You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone.. ELAINE (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! GEORGE (Nods) Uh-huh. KRAMER (Laughing) She caught you? (Elaine laughs with Kramer) JERRY Where? GEORGE (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. JERRY "Glamour"? (Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly) GEORGE ..So, one thing lead to another.. JERRY So, what did she do? GEORGE First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. KRMAER (Reflecting on the story so far) Man.. GEORGE I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. JERRY What did you do? GEORGE I zipped up! ELAINE (Wide-eyed) So, she fell? GEORGE Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was! ELAINE No, I guess you couldn't have.. JERRY (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so. ELAINE (Finishing it off) ..done that. GEORGE So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital. ELAINE (Between chuckles) How is she? GEORGE (Somewhat angered) She's in traction. ELAINE (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. GEORGE It's not funny, Elaine. ELAINE (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious. GEORGE Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!" (Kramer laughs, sipping his drink) JERRY "Glamour"? (Elaine laughs) GEORGE (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again. ELAINE What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together? GEORGE (Definite) All together. (The next three lines are said at the exact same time) ELAINE Oh, gimme a break.. JERRY (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right. KRAMER Oh, like you're gonna stop? JERRY AND ELAINE C'mon.. GEORGE You don't think I can? JERRY No chance. GEORGE (Daring) You think you could? JERRY Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. GEORGE Care to make it interesting? JERRY Sure, how much? GEORGE A hundred dollars. JERRY (Pointing) You're on. KRAMER (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue) JERRY You? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY You'll be out before we get the check. ELAINE (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too. GEORGE AND JERRY (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no.. ELAINE Why? JERRY (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. ELAINE What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why? JERRY Because you're a woman! ELAINE So what? JERRY It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. ELAINE (Sarcastic) Oh. JERRY We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving. ELAINE Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. KRAMER (Making a point) Not everyday. GEORGE Alright, look, you want to be in? ELAINE Yeah! GEORGE You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. KRAMER No, a thousand! ELAINE No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. GEORGE Alright, you're in for one-fifty. JERRY (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty. GEORGE Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing? JERRY Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. KRAMER Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table) (Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!") (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on the phone with his mother) GEORGE (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts) JERRY (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah? GEORGE (Defensively) Whatever. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it) JERRY How is she? GEORGE (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. JERRY (Answering to the intercom) Yeah? ELAINE It's me. JERRY Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) GEORGE Hey, what are you doing tonight? JERRY (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla. GEORGE Oh, the virgin? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? JERRY Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead. (Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window) KRAMER Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street. (George and Jerry quickly join him at the window) JERRY Where? KRAMER Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left? GEORGE (In awe) Wow! JERRY (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?! (All eyes are glued to the woman) GEORGE (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. KRAMER ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) JERRY Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? GEORGE I would imagine it's all naked. JERRY What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? GEORGE (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey. JERRY AND GEORGE (Only turning back for a second) Hey. ELAINE Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved? JERRY (Over his shoulder) Not me. GEORGE (Also, over his shoulder) Not me. ELAINE What're you looking at? JERRY There's a naked woman across the street. ELAINE (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight. JERRY (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back. ELAINE (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars. JERRY (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. GEORGE Have a good time. (Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter) KRAMER (Declaring) I'm out! (Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's mouth is open in shock. A moment passes) ELAINE What?! KRAMER Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. GEORGE You're out?! KRAMER Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? ELAINE Well, that was fast! JERRY Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him) (Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting) ELAINE ..And then there were three. (Hospital room) (Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, is visiting her) ELAINE I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park! GEORGE (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. ESTELLE Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open. GEORGE Ma, people can hear you. ESTELLE (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star! GEORGE (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! ESTELLE I want you to go see a psychiatrist. GEORGE No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! ESTELLE Why? Why not?! Why won't you go? GEORGE (Like a kid) Because I don't want to. ESTELLE I want you to go see somebody. GEORGE Well, I am not going. ESTELLE It's a good thing your father's in Chicago. (George's cousin, Shelly, enters) SHELLY Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen? GEORGE (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! (On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely nurse can be seen entering) NURSE Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath. (The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen) DENISE Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep. (The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain) SHELLY (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing? GEORGE (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. (The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off) NURSE Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head.. DENISE Oh.. thank you. SHELLY (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly? (A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin) ESTELLE George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you! (New York Health Club) (Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking with her friend, Joyce) JOYCE So, when was the last time you took a class? ELAINE Oh, it's been a while. JOYCE (Overly excited) Are you psyched? ELAINE (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched. JOYCE Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here. ELAINE Why is that? JOYCE (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts? (Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, she turns back to her friend) ELAINE (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here! JOYCE He's gonna be in your class today. ELAINE (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?! JOYCE I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt. ELAINE Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt. (Jerry's car) (Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away) MARLA Let's slow it down a little. JERRY "Slow it down"? MARLA Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know.. JERRY Ah, yeah.. I know. MARLA You're okay with that, right? JERRY Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that. MARLA So, I'll see you Saturday night, then? JERRY (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night. MARLA Alright, then. Good night. JERRY Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves) (Jerry's bedroom) (Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters) KRAMER (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! JERRY (Out of it) Yeah, good morning. KRAMER Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) JERRY She's not there. She's doin' her wash. KRAMER (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? JERRY (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! KRAMER So, you're still master of your domain. JERRY (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! KRAMER Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say? JERRY I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give! KRAMER Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. JERRY (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. KRAMER (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our noise) throw it away?! JERRY Look, I'm sorry- KRAMER No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. JERRY Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! KRAMER (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please! (A pause as Jerry thinks it over) JERRY Alright.. (Takes his coat off) KRAMER Yes! JERRY ..Alright. KRAMER (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window) JERRY She's not there! KRAMER Oh, I can wait.. (Monk's Coffee shop) (Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth) JERRY So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath? GEORGE Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts. JERRY Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. GEORGE (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. (Jerry nods) JERRY (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? GEORGE (Arms out) I am king of the county. You? JERRY Lord of the manor. (Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry) ELAINE John F. Kennedy Jun-ya! JERRY What? ELAINE (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class. JERRY Really? Did you talk to him? ELAINE No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout." GEORGE "Quite a workout"? What did you say? ELAINE (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah." JERRY (Adding, fake praise) Good one. ELAINE So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. JERRY But the question is, are you still master of your domain? ELAINE (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth) (Estelle's hospital room) (George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself) ESTELLE You're back. GEORGE Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. ESTELLE I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this. GEORGE You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you? ESTELLE You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich.. GEORGE (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) ESTELLE (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. GEORGE Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? ESTELLE I don't understand why you can't do this for me! GEORGE (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you. ESTELLE But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! GEORGE Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs. ESTELLE Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came. (Nurse enters) NURSE (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath. (George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on the divider) ESTELLE George.. I'm huuunnnggry! GEORGE (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. (New York Health Club) (Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously looking around for JFK Jr.) JOYCE Hi! ELAINE Hi. JOYCE Did you get your hair done today? ELAINE No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) JOYCE You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday. ELAINE (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression? JOYCE Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away) (Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction) ELAINE No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?! JOYCE (Uneasy) He asked about you. ELAINE (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say? JOYCE He wanted to know your situation. ELAINE (Quick) What situation? I have a situation? JOYCE I-I told him you were single. ELAINE That was good. That was very good. JOYCE He said you were just his type. ELAINE (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me. JOYCE He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello. (Breathless, Elaine almost collapses) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, watching TV) JERRY Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) KRAMER (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes.. JERRY (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus.. (Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version) KRAMER The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. (Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, trying to over ride the other) (George's room) (George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light. The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, she's sound asleep too) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack of sex) GEORGE All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? JERRY I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?! ELAINE (Through intercom) It's Elaine. JERRY (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine) GEORGE Where did you get those socks? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE I think those are my socks! JERRY How are these your socks?! GEORGE I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore! JERRY (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them! GEORGE Yeah, well, they're my socks! JERRY They're my socks! (A brief moment passes as they look at each other) GEORGE Oh boy.. JERRY What are we doing here.. GEORGE ..Oh boy. JERRY This is ridiculous. GEORGE Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting. JERRY I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody. GEORGE Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street. (Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her) ELAINE Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up) GEORGE (Shocked) You caved?! JERRY It's over? GEORGE You're out? JERRY Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. (Elaine sets the bills down on the counter) GEORGE I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring. JERRY What happened? ELAINE It was..uh.. John-John. JERRY AND GEORGE Ohhhhh.. John-John. JERRY But you made it through the day before. ELAINE Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. JERRY Why outside here? ELAINE Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up. (George picks up the money, counting it) JERRY Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me. GEORGE And then, (Smacks the money) there were two. ELAINE (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior.. (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch) MARLA Let's go in the bedroom. JERRY Really? MARLA Yes. JERRY You sure? MARLA Yes. JERRY You really want to? MARLA I do. I'm ready. JERRY Okay.. MARLA I know how difficult this must have been for you. JERRY (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. (They both laugh slightly) MARLA What do you mean? JERRY Well, it's kinda silly, but.. (Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously upset, is putting her coat on) MARLA Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends? JERRY No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother- MARLA I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind. (She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his chair, staring at the woman) (Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying to hail a taxi) ELAINE Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you- MARLA I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible. Horrible! All of you! (Jerry's apartment) ELAINE What happened? JERRY I told her about the contest. ELAINE Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. (George enters) GEORGE (To Elaine) Hey, what happened? ELAINE What? GEORGE I thought you were meeting Kennedy. ELAINE (Let down) He didn't show. GEORGE Yeah, he did. ELAINE What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. GEORGE No, no, no. He just left. ELAINE What? GEORGE Yeah, he was talking to Marla. JERRY Marla? GEORGE Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. ELAINE (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin? GEORGE Yeah. ELAINE They drove away? GEORGE Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's- JERRY (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven! (All three crowd around the window) ELAINE (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? GEORGE Kramer?! (A brief pause) ELAINE He's waving.. (All three wave back) (Elaine's bedroom) (Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr) MARLA Ohh, John. That was wonderful.. THE END

THE LITTLE KICKS

THE LITTLE KICKS Written by Spike Feresten (Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to the street.) KRAMER I wouldn't walk over there. JERRY Why not? KRAMER It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich. JERRY What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time. KRAMER I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab. JERRY No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business. KRAMER Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79. JERRY You were livin' in the village then, right? KRAMER Don't really remember. ELAINE (Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green. JERRY That is disgusting. ELAINE You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction. JERRY Well, then you're drivin' me wild. ELAINE I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'. JERRY (George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party? ELAINE I drive my people hard, and then I reward them. JERRY Like with dogs. ELAINE Exactly. GEORGE Party? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Food? ELAINE Uh huh. GEORGE Bar? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE George? JERRY He's gonna show up anyway. ELAINE George, I just don't want you interfering. GEORGE How could I possibly interfere? JERRY Isn't that what Jack Ruby said? GEORGE (Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla? ANNA No thanks. GEORGE My name is George. ANNA Anna. I don't recall seeing you around the office. Do you work in the mail room? GEORGE No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes. ANNA Oh. Excuse me. (She leaves) GEORGE So... MAN How 'bout leading us in a toast? ELAINE Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's dancin'? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances) GEORGE Sweet Fancy Moses! KRAMER You get the tickets? JERRY Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow. KRAMER Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody? JERRY Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these? KRAMER Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me. JERRY Yeah I guess I do owe you. KRAMER Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up? JERRY No, I'm okay. KRAMER There's no problem, really. JERRY I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party? GEORGE Food was good. JERRY So I didn't miss anything? GEORGE Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance? JERRY Elaine danced? GEORGE It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music. JERRY Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs? GEORGE What, you mean you know about this? JERRY For some time. It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away. GEORGE Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom. JERRY And by then you've lost interest. GEORGE Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO. JERRY What made him get that thing? GEORGE During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy. JERRY Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Brody's in. JERRY I don't even have the extra ticket yet. KRAMER Well, you better get on the horn. ELAINE I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background) JERRY How could that be? ELAINE Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party? JERRY No, George was there, he said he had a great time. ELAINE Oh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related. JERRY Oh, what are you talkin' about? ELAINE He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected. JERRY Now you're talkin' crazy! ELAINE All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it? JERRY (Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'. ANNA You have a minute to approve some copy? ELAINE Oh yeah, sure, sure. So, did ya have a good time at the party last night? ANNA It was a real... kick. ELAINE Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George? ANNA As a matter of fact I did. ELAINE Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him. ANNA Why? He seems harmless. ELAINE Oh he's not. He's very harmful. ANNA Really? ELAINE Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen. ANNA And you two are friends? ELAINE Yeah, we're good friends. GEORGE So this Anna called me from out of the blue. JERRY Really? I thought you were rebuffed. GEORGE With extreme prejudice. JERRY Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you. GEORGE No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen. JERRY Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy. GEORGE I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy. JERRY You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend... GEORGE Yes, yes... JERRY The bad fianc�, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk... GEORGE Okay, the point is made. JERRY The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper! JERRY Half of show business is here. KRAMER There's Brody. Brody! Over here. BRODY Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket. JERRY That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there. BRODY It's for all of us. Is there a problem? KRAMER Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry. JERRY I'm a joke maker. KRAMER All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera) JERRY (To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing? KRAMER Relax, he does that all the time. JERRY Does what? KRAMER He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, huh? JERRY May I see you outside for a moment please? KRAMER But I want to-- JERRY Outside! ELAINE Hey, have you seen Anna? WORKER Uh, she just went to meet your friend George. ELAINE To meet George? I knew it. Where did they go? WORKER The park, why? ELAINE Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too! JERRY What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie? KRAMER Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business. JERRY It's not legitimate. KRAMER It's a business. JERRY Where did you meet this guy? KRAMER He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pinochle-- JERRY Kramer. (boom sound) KRAMER Man, we're missin' the Death Blow! JERRY I don't believe this. (They run into theater) ANNA You know I'm not supposed to be talking to you. GEORGE No one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you? ANNA No... a little. Nice car. GEORGE Yeah, she's a sweet ride. ANNA Is that your orthopedic back pillow? GEORGE Maybe. ANNA Well is it or isn't it? GEORGE Guess not. ELAINE (To George) Stay away from her. GEORGE I didn't do nothin'. ELAINE (To Anna) Get in the car. ANNA But... ELAINE You heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff. GEORGE Lighten up. KRAMER Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay? BRODY Uh, I got a cramp. KRAMER Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy. BRODY Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home. JERRY Hey, what is going on over there? BRODY Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me. JERRY Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing. KRAMER Jerry, if the man is in pain... JERRY Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right. BRODY (pulls out a gun) What are you some kind of tough guy? KRAMER Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera. JERRY All right, I'm takin' the camera. KRAMER (To Brody) C'mon, let's go. JERRY Oh man... KRAMER Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow? JERRY How was the rest of Death Blow? KRAMER Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had it comin' to him! JERRY Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point! KRAMER He's quite a character, isn't he? JERRY You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind! KRAMER I got it. Yep. BRODY Brody. KRAMER Come on up. It's Brody. JERRY What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again. KRAMER Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you. JERRY What if I didn't do it right? KRAMER It's your first time. He'll understand. JERRY People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings. KRAMER Hey, Brody! JERRY Hi. BRODY Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape. JERRY Yeah. BRODY I've never seen such beautiful work. You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the framing. I was enchanted. JERRY Well, I did the best I could. BRODY I got another project for you. It's a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility. BRODY May I use your phone? KRAMER Uh yeah. It's under the couch. KRAMER Look at you! You've got another gig! JERRY I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this. KRAMER But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films. JERRY We're talkin' federal crime here. BRODY (To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer) May I borrow this? (Holding baseball bat) KRAMER Sure, do you need a glove? BRODY Nah. WORKER I pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me: limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh) ELAINE What? ANNA Sorry, I got hung up. ELAINE At Yankee Stadium? ANNA This? It's mine. ELAINE Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear. ANNA He's not stocky. ELAINE Who did that? Who did that?!? KRAMER (laughing) The French guy fell off the bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn) JERRY No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this? KRAMER That's fine. JERRY Do you even know what this scene is about? KRAMER It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread. JERRY No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul. (Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.) KRAMER Wha? Where? JERRY Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it. KRAMER Nah, he's not going to know the difference. JERRY I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted. KRAMER So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot) JERRY I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers? KRAMER Right here. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Well, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What? KRAMER (He shows her) This umpf thing. ELAINE It's dancing. KRAMER No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally. ELAINE I dance fine. KRAMER You stink. (He exits) ELAINE He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right? JERRY I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away) ELAINE Jerry, do I stink? JERRY All right, you're beyond stink. ELAINE But I really enjoy dancing. JERRY And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George. ELAINE It's that bad? JERRY Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back. (Elaine sees video camera) VOICE I have George Costanza still holding. ELAINE George, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you. GEORGE Yo, Anna. ANNA Hi, George. What're you up to? GEORGE (Ironing) You don't wanna know. ELAINE Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize. GEORGE What're you talkin' about? ELAINE Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person. GEORGE Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up! ELAINE I never should have given Anna the impression-- GEORGE Pick it up, pick it up! ELAINE --that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed. GEORGE Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone) ELAINE What? GEORGE You are ruinin' everything. ELAINE I'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult? GEORGE Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a difficult seed. ELAINE George, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George? ANNA Um, no, I don't think so. ELAINE No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya. GEORGE I'm a bad man! BRODY So where's the tape? JERRY No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location. BRODY I need the tape. JERRY You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em. BRODY Are you out of your mind? JERRY Kramer... KRAMER I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy. BRODY Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street! JERRY All right. That's it, I can't work like this. KRAMER Jerry... JERRY I'm off the project. (He exits) KRAMER Jerry! BRODY I want the tape. KRAMER Yeah. GEORGE Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that? JERRY They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs. GEORGE Anna actually has respect for me now. It's all over. JERRY Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane! JERRY Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous... GEORGE Did you say dangerous? GEORGE I'm a bootlegger. ANNA You're a what? GEORGE I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby! ANNA Isn't that illegal? GEORGE I can do hard time for this one. And community service! ANNA Is this your FiberCon? GEORGE (Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way! KRAMER Jerry, George got arrested. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah. He went at the Beekman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him. JERRY Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah. BRODY Brody, I'm comin' up. JERRY What're we gonna do? KRAMER Well, I gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot? JERRY I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses! KRAMER Jerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters) BRODY Where's the tape? JERRY Uh, well. It, uh... BRODY Is that it? KRAMER Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again. BRODY How'd it turn out? KRAMER + JERRY Uh... great. KRAMER Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there. JERRY Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured. KRAMER Yeah, it's a disturbing image. JERRY Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancer, you cry again. ANNA (George is crying) It's all right, George. You'll just pay a fine and that'll be it. GEORGE Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters) ELAINE Anna... ANNA Oh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up. I can explain everything. ELAINE All right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza enters) FRANK Okay, where's my boy? GEORGE Oh my God. FRANK I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head) GEORGE Ow! Dad... FRANK Who put you up to this, was it her? ELAINE All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards. FRANK My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this. ELAINE You got that right. FRANK What the hell does that mean? ELAINE It means whatever the hell you want it to mean. FRANK You sayin' you want a piece of me? ELAINE I could drop you like a bag of dirt. FRANK You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight) JERRY But he's an old man, Elaine. ELAINE Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it. JERRY (Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot. ELAINE Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that. JERRY No you don't. MAN You shot Death Blow? JERRY Yeah. MAN That was brilliant. JERRY Thank you. (They continue walking) ELAINE You were big. JERRY I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal? ELAINE Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while. JERRY I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go) THE END

THE JUNK MAIL

THE JUNK MAIL Written by Spike Feresten JERRY, ON THE PHONE Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh. Chinese food! GEORGE Who was it? JERRY I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB. GEORGE What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it? JERRY No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman. GEORGE Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy. JERRY Why? He's harmless. GEORGE Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me. JERRY He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris. GEORGE I made him up. JERRY So you never saw Last Tango in Paris? GEORGE No. JERRY Too bad. It was erotic. jackbooted thugs! JERRY 'Pottery Barn'? KRAMER I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month. JERRY Why don't you just throw 'em out? KRAMER Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt. phones. So you wanna grab a bite? GEORGE I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks. JERRY So call now. GEORGE I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run into the woods every time he got upset? JERRY That's him. GEORGE Is he still nuts? JERRY What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?' or what? ELAINE Mmm. De-lish. PUDDY Delish? ELAINE Delish. You know, short for delicious. PUDDY Oh, like scrump. ELAINE Yeah. PUDDY I'm gonna be late. See ya later. JACK Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup? JACK Thank you. Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face GEORGE Hey, it's Georgie. ESTELLE Let me put your father on the phone. GEORGE Ma! FRANK Who is this? GEORGE Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, you know what, you were right. FRANK, HANGING UP Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you later. GEORGE Chinese food? sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!? JERRY So, maybe they had Chinese food? GEORGE After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun grenades. JERRY Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's leftovers. GEORGE That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers. ELAINE Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, fairy tale moment. JERRY It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it? ELAINE Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened to him? GEORGE Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go. JERRY So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot of love stew. ELAINE Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new guy can... handle the workload. 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point. JERRY Stop the mail? KRAMER That's... even better! FRANKIE Jerry! JERRY Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car? FRANKIE This is it. JERRY Inside the van? FRANKIE It is the van! Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool it would be to have a van and just drive? JERRY We were ten. FRANKIE Come on. Let's take it for a spin. JERRY I don't want a van. ELAINE Well, just tell him you want the SAAB. JERRY You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it. ELAINE Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.' JERRY Always helpful. ESTELLE Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here? GEORGE Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back. ESTELLE Uh... the phone broke. FRANK Well, we got to get moving. GEORGE What? Where are you going? FRANK We have a catered affair. GEORGE You're going like that? suspicious. JACK Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late. Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face JACK I'm gonna be in the can. ELAINE Okay, Jack. CASHIER Sure. right. Again. JERRY Aye, aye. FRANKIE Oh, there's a spot. Just back up. Large-vehicle reverse beeping starts JERRY Hold on. There must be a truck backing up. FRANKIE No, that's us. JERRY Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is there maybe some way I could exchange it? FRANKIE You don't like the van? JERRY No, no, no. Just hypothetically. FRANKIE I gotta go to the park. JERRY No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy. them, but let's see them get by... these bricks. JERRY Where'd you get the bricks? KRAMER Jerry, the whole building is brick. JERRY So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to sell the van to a lot. KRAMER A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately. JERRY I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a used van. KRAMER Come on, Jerry, just let me help you. JERRY OK. KRAMER All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.' JERRY I don't want to trade. KRAMER No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone. JERRY Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my box now. KRAMER Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me, and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them. ELAINE Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Jack. Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face POSTAL EMPLOYEE May I help you? KRAMER Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail. POSTAL EMPLOYEE Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it? KRAMER Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently. NEWMAN I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three hour break? Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail. KRAMER Oh, yes, I am. NEWMAN What about your bills? KRAMER The bank can pay 'em. NEWMAN The bank. What about your cards and letters? KRAMER E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, holograms. NEWMAN All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you. SUPERVISOR Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman? NEWMAN Yes, sir, I believe everything is all squared away. Isn't it, Mr. Kramer? KRAMER Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting mail! ESTELLE Oh! GEORGE Quick for a... catered affair. FRANK I don't know what you mean. GEORGE You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on! FRANK George, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits. ESTELLE The breakups, the firings. And every Sunday with the calls. FRANK What my wife is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our time. GEORGE I'm not following. FRANK We're cuttin' you lose. GEORGE You're cuttin' me loose? FRANK Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother. GEORGE They don't want to see me anymore! JERRY But this is what you've always wanted. GEORGE It is. I'm just not ready yet. JERRY Aw, that's kind of sweet. GEORGE Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. Well, they better think again. JERRY Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do? GEORGE You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her. JERRY Mother of God. GEORGE One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all over me. Who is this guy? JERRY That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this? On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! JERRY That is the guy! GEORGE Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy? JERRY No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering this old commercial. GEORGE That's pretty pathetic. JERRY I know. They're not even related. GEORGE Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going. JERRY Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. So, what do you know about this Jack fellow? ELAINE Isn't he the best? JERRY Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do? ELAINE Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity. this? On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! ELAINE Oh, no. JERRY Oh, yes. come on buy. RHISA Yeah, thanks. GEORGE Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found you... very attractive. RHISA What? GEORGE I know it may sound shocking. But, I just can't stop myself from... wanting you. RHISA You want to borrow money, right? GEORGE No, no. I-I just want us to be... together. RHISA All right. GEORGE All right? RHISA Let's go for it. GEORGE Well... we could dance around it a little first. GEORGE Whoa! Whoa! Geez! JERRY You know why I'm selling it. I hate it. KRAMER How many miles? JERRY Two. KRAMER City or highway? JERRY Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what? pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that. JERRY All right, just get out of here. KRAMER All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van. JERRY OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?' But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'. JERRY You put that in! JERRY You want to trade me an undershirt? KRAMER No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it. JERRY That's disgusting. KRAMER Well, it's my final offer. PUDDY You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman. ELAINE Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened. PUDDY Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman. ELAINE You're not taking me back? PUDDY, LEAVING That's right. ELAINE He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody... on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend. WOMAN Why does this dummy have a bucket on its head? KRAMER Because we're blind to their tyranny. WOMAN Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket? KRAMER Yeah. Move along, Betty. FRANKIE Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van? KRAMER Well, not anymore. He traded it to me for some Hollywood memorabilia. FRANKIE I'm, uh, I'm so stupid. KRAMER What? KRAMER Yeah, nice to meet you. JERRY She's into it? GEORGE She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine. JERRY So have your parents found out about it? GEORGE She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future together. JERRY Brave new world, alright. JERRY Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going? KRAMER Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in. JERRY It's Sunday. GEORGE Why is the mailman wearing a bucket? KRAMER Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution. GEORGE Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket. JERRY Hey, I want my van keys back. KRAMER Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt. JERRY Are you insane? Give 'em to me. KRAMER No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage. GEORGE Wait a minute? He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter. KRAMER Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels. JERRY Oh, no, not Frankie. KRAMER Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the park. JERRY Oh, no, the woods! The hole! NEWMAN Kramer, what the hell are you doing? KRAMER I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else. NEWMAN Not that! KRAMER What? NEWMAN You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift. KRAMER Are you through? NEWMAN No! And no one will ever see you again! KRAMER Are you through? NEWMAN Yes. No, wait! OK, yes. in! KRAMER Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down. NEWMAN There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now! KRAMER No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know! NEWMAN I know you know, but you don't know what I know. JERRY Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you? HOLE DIGGER My name is Edgar. JERRY Have a nice night. HOLE DIGGER Thank you. Frankie, digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's van pull up NEAR HIM Stupid... so stupid! Jerry? RHISA All right, George. I'm ready. GEORGE Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass. Where are my parents? RHISA Geor-gie... Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?! he saying? GEORGE I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, my God! RHISA No, they caught him. ELAINE So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack.' JACK Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today. ELAINE Really, what was the first? again. ELAINE What? JACK, DANCING AROUND I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! ELAINE Well what, what about your fact-checking job? JACK, DANCING AROUND Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and noooobody beats me! there. FRANKIE You hate the van. JERRY But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people. FRANKIE So, can we go for a ride? JERRY Yeah, let's just get out of here. with that? Good. He left the door unlocked. ESTELLE Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? FRANK Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here. mama! POSTMASTER GENERAL Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here? KRAMER Huh? Who are you? POSTMASTER GENERAL Well, you can just call me Henry. KRAMER Henry Atkins? The postmaster general? POSTMASTER GENERAL Last time I checked. KRAMER Henry... can I get out of here now? POSTMASTER GENERAL Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you. KRAMER Oh? POSTMASTER GENERAL I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer? KRAMER Yeah. POSTMASTER GENERAL Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door. KRAMER Yeah! Ha ha. POSTMASTER GENERAL Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf. KRAMER I'm very, very sorry. POSTMASTER GENERAL Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. Kramer? KRAMER Sure do! Kramer, seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his head, NEWMAN, WHIMPERING Tell the world my story. JERRY Hey, George! GEORGE Jerry! Hey, that's the guy! JERRY What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman. GEORGE Oh. The summer me. FRANKIE The winter me. JERRY You must be George's cousin. RHISA Girlfriend. JERRY All right. JERRY Don't go a-knockin'. FRANKIE Now you gotta sell this van. JERRY Oh, yeah. FRANK What you saw in that van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady. GEORGE Ohhhh... ESTELLE Your father's right. It's beautiful. FRANK And it was safe. GEORGE Oh, God... FRANK Now if you'll excuse me. Once again, your mother and I... GEORGE Oh... make it stop. THE END

THE TRIP PART 1

THE TRIP PART 1 Written by Larry Charles (George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop) GEORGE Kramer was on Murphy Brown? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Are you sure? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Murphy Brown, the TV show. JERRY C'mon, will ya? GEORGE Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun! JERRY Something, isn't it? GEORGE With Candace Bergen! JERRY I know! GEORGE I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'? JERRY Sure. GEORGE Did she show her breasts in that? JERRY She's not really the naked type. GEORGE I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California. JERRY He did? GEORGE Yeah, I turned him down. JERRY How come you didn't tell me? GEORGE He asked me to keep it a secret. JERRY But you can never keep a secret. GEORGE I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds. JERRY Well, you've come a long way. GEORGE I've matured. JERRY Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go? GEORGE A free ticket? JERRY Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys. GEORGE What about accommodations? JERRY All taken care of. GEORGE Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me... Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors. KRAMER So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions. STUDIO GUARD Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here? KRAMER Uh, did you? STUDIO GUARD C'mon, let's go. KRAMER Well, I was just-- STUDIO GUARD Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go. KRAMER Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor? Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard practicing in the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call on the pay phone in the hall. VOICE Murphy Brown. KRAMER Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please. VOICE Who's calling please? KRAMER Well, just tell her that it's Kramer. Dial tone. KRAMER Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours. Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway. HELENA Hello Kramer. KRAMER Oh, uh, Helena, how are you? HELENA I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am? KRAMER Well, that's only uh, 58 years. HELENA It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember? KRAMER Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right? HELENA No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it. KRAMER Uh huh, right. HELENA But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake. KRAMER Right. HELENA Moe hits Curly with an axe, KRAMER Uh huh. HELENA The Stooges catch the kidnappers, KRAMER Right. HELENA But it's too late. KRAMER Really. HELENA The baby's dead. KRAMER Really? HELENA The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed. KRAMER Well I don't remember that part. HELENA I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary. KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good. HELENA Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all. KRAMER Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges. HELENA Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer? KRAMER Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright? HELENE Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me, KRAMER Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all. HELENA I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer! Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases and backpacks. JERRY What is this? GEORGE What? JERRY We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross? GEORGE I happen to dress based on mood. JERRY Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time. GEORGE Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza. JERRY (referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this. GEORGE This is Morning Mist. A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants are talking. LT. COLEMAN What do you figure, 20? 21? LT. MARTEL Close enough. LT. COLEMAN Forensics ought to be able to nail it down. LT. MARTEL No ID? LT. COLEMAN No ID. LT. MARTEL No witnesses? LT. COLEMAN Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing. LT. MARTEL She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that. LT. COLEMAN Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it? LT. MARTEL I don't know, but I don't like it. Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector. JERRY Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him. GEORGE Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension. JERRY Just go. George braces himself and walks through the detector. GEORGE Heh he, I made it. Jerry walks through and the machine beeps. SECURITY GUARD Empty your pockets please. Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps again. SECURITY GUARD Walk through again please. Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again. SECURITY GUARD Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets? JERRY Anklets? SECURITY GUARD A lot of men wear anklets. JERRY Really? SECURITY GUARD Yeah. OTHER SECURITY GUARD What do you have in your bag, sir? GEORGE My bag? SECURITY GUARD Step over here please. JERRY Over here? OTHER SECURITY GUARD Do you have a knife in the bag? GEORGE A knife? OTHER SECURITY GUARD Open the bag, please. George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging. OTHER SECURITY GUARD What's this? GEORGE Moisturizer? OTHER SECURITY GUARD Your wife? GEORGE No, I uh... I use it. SECURITY GUARD Spread your arms and legs please. The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down Jerry's body. JERRY Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you. OTHER SECURITY GUARD Have a good trip. SECURITY GUARD Alright, go ahead. JERRY That's it? SECURITY GUARD That's it. JERRY Alright. GEORGE C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about? JERRY I must have iron rich blood. GEORGE Here we go, LA. JERRY The Coast, GEORGE La-la Land. I got the window seat, right? JERRY Who said that? GEORGE I called it. JERRY Oh no. Monologue, Jerry on stage. Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look out, cart people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. Oooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all? Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer enters. KRAMER Yeah, I'm here for the audition. RECEPTIONIST Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial? KRAMER Uh, let's see... well. Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions the receptionist mentioned. Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, exit the casting office. KRAMER You scream good. CHELSEA You too. Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table. CHELSEA So, can I keep this treatment? KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies. CHELSEA 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money. KRAMER Really. CHELSEA Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend. KRAMER Um-hm. CHELSEA What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on... KRAMER Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage. CHELSEA Big deal. KRAMER He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment. CHELSEA Why are you breathing so hard? KRAMER Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh? Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table nearby. KRAMER Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh... FRED SAVAGE Thank you. KRAMER Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. FRED Thanks. KRAMER Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh... FRED That's ok. Relax, relax. KRAMER Ok, but I got this... Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table collapses. KRAMER Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me. FRED Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate. KRAMER I got this treatment I think you'll be great in. FRED Yeah. KRAMER So I'd like to give it to you. FRED Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! KRAMER Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait. Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, Kramer gives the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up. George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone. JERRY Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair? GEORGE Curly. JERRY Wavy. GEORGE What'd you ask me for? JERRY Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin? GEORGE Nope. JERRY 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello? GEORGE Hey, a shoe buffing machine! JERRY I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer? GEORGE You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body lotion! JERRY About 6-3. GEORGE Ooh, a shower cap! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK JERRY Coming. George walks to the door wearing a shower cap. LUPE Hello. I have more towels. GEORGE Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um? LUPE Lupe. GEORGE Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning? LUPE Yes. GEORGE Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in. LUPE Oh, yes, yes. GEORGE Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets. LUPE Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep. GEORGE Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right? LUPE It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too? GEORGE Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in? JERRY Excuse me, what? GEORGE You want your blankets tucked in? JERRY What blankets? GEORGE When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning. JERRY I don't know, whatever they do. LUPE I tuck in? Yes? JERRY Tuck in, tuck in. GEORGE Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck. LUPE Okay. GEORGE Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck. JERRY Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck. GEORGE Two no-tucks. JERRY Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck. GEORGE You just said you weren't tucking. JERRY I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway. GEORGE Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that? JERRY Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin? LUPE Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room. JERRY Oh, okay, thanks. LUPE Thank you. GEORGE Thank you. LUPE Bye-bye. GEORGE Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now. LUPE Bye. GEORGE Bye-bye. Lupe exits. JERRY I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it. GEORGE Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table. JERRY They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out! GEORGE Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out. JERRY Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here. GEORGE Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in? Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion. GEORGE You shouldn't have tucked. JERRY I like it tucked. GEORGE Nobody tucks anymore. As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his car and drives off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office notices this and picks up one of the photos. Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the body's head, but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's friend from the auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving. OFFICER Hey, Lieutenant. LT. MARTEL Yeah. OFFICER This was found on her person. LT. MARTEL On her person? What kind of expression is that? OFFICER I don't know, sir. Police lingo. LT. MARTEL Oh yeah? What's your name, son. OFFICER Ross. LT. MARTEL Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross? OFFICER Yes sir. LT. MARTEL She's dead. Have you got that? OFFICER Yes sir. LT. MARTEL Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes. OFFICER Yes sir. The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The Keys" A movie treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's first name was is missing. LT. MARTEL I think we just caught a break. Jerry and George are at the NBC studio. GEORGE This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE Might meet a celebrity. JERRY I can't believe she threw out my napkin. GEORGE What are you worried about, you know it. JERRY You gonna be alright here? GEORGE Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around. JERRY Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes. GEORGE Go, go, go, don't worry about it. Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands near George, obviously waiting for someone. GEORGE Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen. CORBIN BERNSEN How ya doing? GEORGE Big fan! Big fan. CORBIN BERNSEN Yeah. GEORGE Hey, you grew a beard, huh? CORBIN BERNSEN Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus. GEORGE Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law. CORBIN BERNSEN Really. Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'. GEORGE ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days. CORBIN BERNSEN Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened? GEORGE Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board. CORBIN BERNSEN So you killed the cat. GEORGE That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law? Corbin Bernsen just stares at George. Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same hallway. GEORGE I don't wanna tell you how to run your show. GEORGE WENDT Oh, of course not. GEORGE But really, it's enough with the bar already. GEORGE WENDT Yeah, well. GEORGE Seriously, have they though about changing the setting? GEORGE WENDT Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah. GEORGE Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh? GEORGE WENDT Well yeah, they do, heh heh. GEORGE What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center. GEORGE WENDT Yeah, you oughta write one of those. GEORGE Yeah? GEORGE WENDT Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh... GEORGE Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you! Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily. JERRY How's it going? GEORGE Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt. JERRY Really? GEORGE Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate! JERRY You got toilet paper on your heel there. George looks down, Jerry walks away. The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding. ANNOUNCER It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview. CORBIN BERNSEN Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot. Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George. Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel. HELENA He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors. Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview. GEORGE WENDT It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar. Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides George. Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer hitched a ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being questioned by the Lt. THE FREAK So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid? Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are talking between takes. GEORGE WENDT The guy you talked to, what did he look like? CORBIN BERNSEN Short little bald guy with glasses. GEORGE WENDT Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to. CORBIN BERNSEN It never ends, does it? Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine. JERRY So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt. Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing. Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry. Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone. LT. MARTEL Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer. George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set, JERRY I was terrible. GEORGE What are you, crazy? You were fine. JERRY Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh... GEORGE Conveyor belt. JERRY Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin. GEORGE I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe? JERRY Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe. George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being broadcast. TV NEWSCASTER Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer". George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief. TO BE CONTINUED. (Comedy club) Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us." THE END

THE DOLL

THE DOLL Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) (Jerry is just now getting done with his act) JERRY Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise) SALLY Jerry! JERRY (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey! SALLY (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs slightly) JERRY Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show? SALLY Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny. JERRY (Modest) Oh, thanks. SALLY (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny. JERRY (Blunt) I believe you. SALLY Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to him) out to dinner. JERRY (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport. SALLY Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the size of it) It's a wedding present. JERRY Oh? SALLY And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful. JERRY Uh-huh. (The Coffee shop) (George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth) FRANK George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida. GEORGE (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware. FRANK So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into a billiard parlor? GEORGE A billiard parlor? FRANK Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity.. (Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence) GEORGE Well, that's.. Elaine! ELAINE Oh, hi, Frank. GEORGE (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please. ELAINE (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing. GEORGE (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down. ELAINE (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo? GEORGE (Confused) What photo? ELAINE You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"? FRANK (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did you talk to him? ELAINE I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it. FRANK I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo. ELAINE Who is that? GEORGE (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind. FRANK I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we separated. ELAINE So, you weren't born here? FRANK No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them! GEORGE I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are probably a million Costanzas- FRANK (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have another copy of that photo? ELAINE No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might. FRANK The Maestro? What Maestro? ELAINE He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him. GEORGE Really? Why? ELAINE (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars. GEORGE Who? ELAINE You know the Three Tenors? GEORGE Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy. ELAINE (Nodding) The other guy. (Airplane) (Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his personal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess approaches him) STEWARDESS (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you? JERRY Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it. STEWARDESS Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head. JERRY Oh, okay.. (The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head compartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard) STEWARDESS There we go. (Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase are covered in bar-b-que sauce) JERRY Ohh.. look at this.. KRAMER What? JERRY I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this (Gestures to Sally's present) stupid thing. KRAMER Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce.. JERRY I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin. KRAMER (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see.. JERRY No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show. KRAMER Well, why don't you do your material? JERRY I'm out. KRAMER (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work. JERRY (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip. (George enters) GEORGE Hey, buddies. JERRY Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally. GEORGE Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off. JERRY (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing? KRAMER (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread) (George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts all over the table) JERRY (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. KRAMER (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam? JERRY Like what? KRAMER Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?" JERRY (Confused) Where's the punchline? KRAMER It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's) GOERGE (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly a crappy gift.. JERRY A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?! GEORGE Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express. JERRY Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?! KRAMER Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas" GEORGE No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it. KRAMER Well, maybe your father would be interested in that. GEORGE I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom. KRAMER (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two.. (George's old bedroom) (The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is obviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking up their sticks) KRAMER So, what's your game? What do you like to play? FRANK Eight ball. KRAMER No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight pool.. hmm? FRANK You like to gamble, Cosmo? KRAMER Yeah, now and then - you know how it is.. FRANK Five dollars a game, huh? KRAMER I'll break. FRANK Okay. (Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short by the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving humorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room) (George and Susan's apartment) (Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of her items around the apartment) GEORGE What's all this? SUSAN Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff. GEORGE (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff.. SUSAN (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection.. (George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the shelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother) GEORGE Oh my God! What is that?! SUSAN (Rushing in) What? What is it? GEORGE (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother. SUSAN George, it's a doll. GEORGE I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother! SUSAN (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here.. (George's old bedroom) (Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about to hit the ball when Estelle enters) ESTELLE What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've been up here three hours! FRANK We still haven't finished the first game. ESTELLE The first game?! KRAMER (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table. FRANK (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture.. ESTELLE Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin. FRANK (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna go see him, huh? KRAMER (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over.. FRANK (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy. KRAMER Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally crashing it into the window) (George and Susan's bedroom) (George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops when he sees the doll laying right next to Susan) GEORGE What is this thing doing here? SUSAN Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl.. (Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again) GEORGE Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this.. SUSAN Why? GEORGE I feel like I'm in bed with my mother. SUSAN Oh, stop it. (They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under Susan's pillow -- out of sight) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush. Elaine is reading the paper at his table) JERRY Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent. ELAINE (Just making conversation) Oh yeah? JERRY Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist! ELAINE (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite. JERRY Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show? ELAINE Who else is on the show? JERRY Uh.. one of the three tenors. ELAINE (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?! JERRY Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo.. ELAINE (Extremely excited) The other guy?! JERRY (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy. ELAINE (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show! JERRY Why? ELAINE Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph? JERRY Why not? ELAINE (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy! (George enters. He's in a disheveled state) JERRY Hey, you look awful. GEORGE (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro. JERRY Problem in the bedroom? GEORGE (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it. (Elaine makes a face) JERRY Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night? GEORGE (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat. JERRY I thought you didn't want the doormat. GEORGE I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow. JERRY Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York? GEORGE Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited. JERRY Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?! ELAINE Who's Sally? GEORGE Susan's college roommate. JERRY It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show. GEORGE So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you. JERRY (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap! ELAINE That's sounds pretty juvenile. JERRY (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur! (The Maestro's Office) (Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro) FRANK His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could recognize him. MAESTRO Unfortunately those photographs are at home. KRAMER Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room. FRANK (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it, Kramer? KRAMER A billiard room. FRANK No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on, already. Come on.. KRAMER (Confused) What? FRANK We call it.. the, uh.. KRAMER (Snaps) The Place To Be! FRANK The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be. MAESTRO (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the symphony. KRAMER Oh, yeah? (The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, Kramer and Frank stare in bewilderment) MAESTRO (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein. KRAMER Really? MAESTRO You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance. (Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed) KRAMER That's good thinking. (Jerry's apartment) (George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face) GEORGE You see?.. You see?! JERRY Well, it doesn't look exactly like her. GEORGE Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years! JERRY Why don't you just get rid of it? GEORGE I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing. JERRY Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home. (George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets up with Elaine in the hallway) GEORGE Hi, Elaine. (Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - breathless) ELAINE Did you see that?! JERRY I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying) ELAINE Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors. JERRY Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah? SALLY (Through the intercom) It's Sally. JERRY Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce? SALLY A whole case. JERRY (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about? ELAINE (Blunt, to the point) No. JERRY How come? I told you - It's fantastic. ELAINE Eh, I like mine. JERRY I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me? ELAINE I don't want it. JERRY (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better. ELAINE (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me. (A knock on the door) JERRY Come in. (Sally enters with a medium-sized box) SALLY (Peppy) Well, here I am! JERRY Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally. ELAINE Hi. JERRY How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable? SALLY (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all. JERRY (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for! SALLY That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!" JERRY (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin! SALLY This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke. JERRY I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing! SALLY You could just do your material. JERRY (Peeved) I don't have any material! ELAINE (Yelling out) He's got nothin'! (The Coffee Shop) (George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he eats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the doll) DOLL Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster) Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it! GEORGE (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat! (People from near-by tables turn and look at him) DOLL You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! Why don't you get a new shirt?! GEORGE (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he sheepishly walks out) WOMAN (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods, agreeing) (George's old bedroom) (The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing pool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at the Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass) KRAMER Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased. FRANK It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza! KRAMER Come on. Are you sure? (They all crowd around the picture) FRANK I'd know him anywhere. MAESTRO I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation of being kind of a village idiot. FRANK I still say we're related. MAESTRO (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments) KRAMER Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot. FRANK (Complaining) I can't make anything.. KRAMER (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how to follow through correctly. FRANK Follow through? What do you mean? KRAMER Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back slowly.. (Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer and Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares in disbelief) FRANK It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. ESTELLE Oh, my God! (Jerry's apartment) JERRY (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about. ELAINE Well, have you ever considered writing new material? JERRY Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done. ELAINE (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me? JERRY (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here. ELAINE (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it? JERRY Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show. ELAINE What? JERRY Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them. (Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing phone) SALLY Hello? JERRY Hello, Susan? It's Jerry. SALLY Hi Jerry, it's Sally! JERRY (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there? SALLY No, but he should be home soon. JERRY Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her. SALLY Is this for your comedy routine? JERRY (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes. SALLY (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case. (Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up) (George's old bedroom) (The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants on) MAESTRO (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves) KRAMER Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going.. (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room) (Elaine enters) ELAINE AND JERRY Hey! ELAINE Is George here? JERRY Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy. (Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him) ELAINE It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would you mind signing this poster for me? CARRERAS My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster) ELAINE (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center. JERRY (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent! ELAINE (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box? JERRY Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging. ELAINE (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing? JERRY Well, I want to sit down. ELAINE So? JERRY It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute) (George's old bedroom) (The game is over) MAESTRO (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand) ESTELLE (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro leaves) FRANK (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this. ESTELLE (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it? FRANK It's Carlo. I found him! ESTELLE (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room too long. FRANK (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves) KRAMER (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful! (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room) (Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants on) SALLY Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs! JERRY (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George? SALLY Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada! JERRY (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll! SALLY Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. I think it's a riot! JERRY (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare. SALLY Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves) (View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he reaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's pants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth) JERRY My pants! (A stagehand enters) STAGEHAND Mr. Seinfeld, you're on. (NYC street) (Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting an ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on the subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage spills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before it could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office) MAESTRO Elaine? What a surprise. ELAINE I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give you this. MAESTRO Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush I've heard so much about.. ELAINE No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this. (The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber band off. He unravels the poster on his desk) MAESTRO Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico! ELAINE Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany.. STAGEHAND (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on! MAESTRO Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate. ELAINE Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle of wine. It spills all over the poster) (Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. Picking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he starts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton is bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically as the music fades to a stop) (George and Susan's apartment) (Susan's holding her doll defensively) SUSAN I want to know why you took my doll out of the house. GEORGE I just wanted a second opinion. (There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - it's Frank) FRANK (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that the doll is scolding him as his wife would) DOLL Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous! FRANK (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here! SUSAN (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no! (Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head clean off the body) FRANK (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now what have you got to say for yourself?! GEORGE (To Susan) I told you it looked like her.. (A street in Tuscany) (Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he believes to be his cousin) FRANK (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo? MAN Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe. FRANK (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present) I guess I was wrong. (Walks off) THE END

THE STAKEOUT

THE STAKEOUT Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Opening comedy) JERRY So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience for response) AUDIENCE Cheque JERRY Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?'' (End stand-up) JERRY What's that one? ELAINE "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there... JERRY Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo mein!" ELAINE Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*. JERRY Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this. ELAINE Oh, lovely... JERRY Yeah... ELAINE What do you think their parents think? JERRY "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..." ELAINE Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday. JERRY Pamela? Do I know her? ELAINE Yeah, you met her when we were going out. JERRY Oh yeah, right... ELAINE You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you? JERRY (quickly) No. ELAINE Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you *totally* blocked out the entire time we were a couple? JERRY Riverside Drive. ELAINE Right! In fact... No, never mind... JERRY Well, what is it? ELAINE Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no. JERRY Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. ELAINE What little deal? JERRY I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday. ELAINE A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man? JERRY Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... ELAINE They're coming in? JERRY Yeah, tomorrow. ELAINE Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? JERRY No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across. ELAINE Why does he do that? JERRY Doesn't think anyone can tell? JERRY So c'mon, do we have a deal? ELAINE A *wedding*? JERRY There's a lot of people to mock... ELAINE Alright, what the Hell. JERRY Great! WOMAN When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin' anywhere... ELAINE C'mon lets go, c'mon... JERRY Was I supposed to bring something? ELAINE You could have. JERRY I met her *one* time... ELAINE It is not necessary. JERRY What did you say then? ELAINE Sssshhhhhh!!! PAMELA Hi ELAINE Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry. PAMELA Yes, we met. JERRY Hi, happy birthday. PAMELA Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. GUESTS Hi JERRY I didn't bring anything. PAMELA Ahh, I put you two right here. JERRY Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what to bring, nobody told me. VANESSA How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop? JERRY I'm in for five... VANESSA I'll supply the hat. JERRY (To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have here... VANESSA Why don't you relax and take your jacket off? JERRY Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly. VANESSA How masculine... JERRY Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos. (To himself) She's unbelievable! ROGER (To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker... VANESSA Oh, you know Bricker! From where? JERRY (To himself) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver anyway with Elaine next to me... VANESSA (To Jerry) How do you know Pamela? JERRY Friend of a friend. And you? VANESSA We went to law school together. ELAINE Oh, Jerry! JERRY (To himself) Oh no, not *now*... ELAINE I had this dream last night and you were in it. JERRY Oh really... (To himself) Oh God, I gotta get out of this... ELAINE You were you, but, you weren't you... JERRY No kidding... (To himself) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop! ELAINE I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window-- JERRY (To himself) This is *brutal*... ELAINE You turned around and you had these wooden teeth... JERRY How do you like that... (To himself) Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck... ELAINE Jerry? Are you listening to me? JERRY Yes, I *heard* you. PAMELA Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time? JERRY (To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela! JERRY (To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer... VANESSA Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. JERRY (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit! VANESSA Oh, that was you! JERRY Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's... VANESSA Very funny! What do you do? JERRY Comedian. VANESSA Really... That explains it... JERRY (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. ROGER Are you ready? VANESSA We gotta run. Happy birthday! JERRY (To himself) I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even know her name! JERRY (To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... JERRY That wasn't so bad, really... ELAINE Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners. JERRY Why? What did I do? ELAINE Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", like I'm selling you aluminum siding. JERRY I was listening! ELAINE No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation". JERRY No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. ELAINE Uh-huh... JERRY Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. ELAINE No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I* didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did! JERRY Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what? ELAINE So nothing... Nothing... JERRY Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out* with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!'' I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a *"Riconic"* relationship...'' JERRY Hey! MORTY Ah, there he is! JERRY This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed! HELEN Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this... JERRY What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here... HELEN Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel. JERRY Ma, will you stop? HELEN No, why should we take over your apartment? JERRY I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door. HELEN Your friend Kramer doesn't mind? JERRY No, he's making a bouillabaisse. JERRY So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices? MORTY Depends on the firm. JERRY Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was? MORTY What's the matter? You need a lawyer? JERRY No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don't know her name. MORTY So why don't you ask someone who was at the party? JERRY Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her. HELEN Why not? JERRY Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there. HELEN He used to go with her... HELEN Which one is she? MORTY From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didn't like. MORTY Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. JERRY Oh yeah, she's great. HELEN So, how come nothing materialized there? JERRY Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno... HELEN I know what it was... JERRY You don't know what it was... HELEN So, what was it? JERRY Well, we fight a lot for some reason... H + M Oh, well... JERRY And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry... HELEN Well, I think she's a very attractive girl. JERRY Oh, she is, she absolutely is. HELEN I can see if there was a *weight* problem... JERRY No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided. HELEN You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect. JERRY I know, I know... MORTY Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular. HELEN Idiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren? JERRY That's got *nothin'* to do with it. MORTY How about Loni Anderson? HELEN Where do you get Loni Anderson? MORTY Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson? HELEN I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson... JERRY What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one". HELEN And this other one's "the one"? JERRY I dunno, maybe... MORTY So ask Elaine there for the number. JERRY I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight. HELEN How could you still see her if your not interested? JERRY We're *friends*. MORTY Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? JERRY Oh yeah... MORTY Well, go up to the office. HELEN Up to her office? MORTY Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she? JERRY I guess... MORTY So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch. JERRY You mean "stakeout" the lobby? HELEN Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number! MORTY He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number. HELEN So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What happens when he sees her? MORTY He pretends he *bumped* into her! JERRY Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea... GEORGE What does she look like? JERRY I dunno. Hard to say. GEORGE What actress does she remind you of? JERRY Loni Anderson. GEORGE Loni Anderson?! JERRY What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson? JERRY Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. GEORGE Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? JERRY I'm a little nervous. GEORGE Yeah, me too... JERRY If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building? GEORGE You came to see me; I work in the building. JERRY What do you do? GEORGE I'm an *architect*. JERRY You're an *architect*? GEORGE I'm not? JERRY I don't see architecture comin from you... GEORGE I suppose *you* could be an architect... JERRY I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else... GEORGE Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote. JERRY Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?! GEORGE We're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building. JERRY What is *his* name? GEORGE Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. JERRY Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. GEORGE No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr..... JERRY Art Corr... GEORGE ...velay... JERRY Corvelay? GEORGE Yeah, right. JERRY Well, what does *he* do? GEORGE He's an importer. JERRY Just imports, no exports? GEORGE He's an importer/exporter, okay? GEORGE Say, did Elaine ever call you back? JERRY No, I guess she's still mad. GEORGE I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women? JERRY Never. JERRY Wait a second... That's her... on the right. GEORGE I forgot who I am! Who am I?! JERRY You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay. GEORGE Vandelay! JERRY Corvelay! GEORGE Let me be the architect, I can do it! JERRY Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there... Jerry. VANESSA Sure! Hi! JERRY This is George. ("Grasps" for her name) I'm sorry... VANESSA Vanessa. GEORGE Nice to meet you. JERRY Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. VANESSA That's right! What're you doing here? JERRY Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building. GEORGE Yeah, Art *Vandelay*. VANESSA Really? Which company? JERRY I don't know. He's an importer. VANESSA Importer? GEORGE ...And exporter. JERRY He's an importer/exporter. GEORGE I'm, uh, I'm an architect. VANESSA Really. What do you design? GEORGE Uh, railroads, uh... VANESSA I thought engineers do that. GEORGE They can... JERRY Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night. VANESSA Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. JERRY Oh, that guy was your *cousin*! VANESSA Yeah, and that woman was your-- JERRY Friend! GEORGE I'll just, uh, get a paper... JERRY So, um, do you date immature men? VANESSA Almost exclusively... HELEN Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... JERRY Ma, will you go already? HELEN Bum bum bum bum... JERRY What are you doing?! HELEN Wait, I just want to see something... JERRY You can't look in there, we're playing! MORTY Evening, Mr. Kramer! KRAMER Hey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing? JERRY Look. HELEN "Quo"? Is that a word? JERRY Maybe! HELEN Will you challenge it? JERRY Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating! KRAMER "Quo"? That's not a word. HELEN (To Jerry) You're such a stickler... JERRY Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the wedding? HELEN They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said SHE'D BE HERE AT 2 30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went well with Art... "Vandelay"?'' JERRY She said *what*? HELEN Just what I said, here. JERRY She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*... HELEN She knows what? JERRY She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator... HELEN No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"... MORTY So, how did she find out? JERRY Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine. MORTY So, what are you? Afraid of her? JERRY Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*! JERRY What else did she say on the phone? HELEN Whatever I wrote down. JERRY Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? HELEN Who am I, Rich Little? MORTY Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding. JERRY Yeah, but now I'm nervous. HELEN Oh, stop it. JERRY "Quone"? HELEN ...30...31... JERRY "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that. HELEN ...32... KRAMER No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a *definite* word. JERRY I am challenging... KRAMER Quone: to quone something. JERRY Uh-huh... HELEN I'm not playing with you anymore... MORTY Quone's not a word... JERRY No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off... HELEN Why did you make me put that down? KRAMER Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you *quone* him... CAROL You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that's a sitcom! JERRY You must have quite a time down there. (Checks his watch) CAROL We got plenty of time... JERRY Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone... MAC Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act! JERRY Yeah, yeah... MAC Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography. JERRY Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it... MAC It's based on all my experiences! JERRY That's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could you excuse me one second. I'm sorry. JERRY How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld. ELAINE Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes. JERRY Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car? ELAINE Oh no, let's do it now. JERRY Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-- ELAINE Okay... ARTIE Jerry, were you goin' with us? JERRY No, I'm gonna take my car. ARTIE That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon? JERRY Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab. ELAINE Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle. CAROL Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine. ELAINE Oh, bye. Good to see you. ARTIE Oh, we didn't meet. JERRY Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine. ARTIE Le*vine*. JERRY Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here. ELAINE Yeah, obviously. JERRY I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people... ELAINE Couldn't agree more. JERRY Good. ELAINE Good. JERRY Good. ELAINE Great! JERRY Great? Where do you get "great"? ELAINE It's great to... talk about... other people... JERRY ...Guys. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific? ELAINE No. A general guy. JERRY Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes... ELAINE What? No, it's not a big deal. JERRY No, that's great! That's terrific! ELAINE No, we just met... JERRY Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to meet him. ELAINE I don't think so... JERRY Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort? ELAINE Wall street. JERRY Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut. ELAINE And he happens to be pretty good lookin' JERRY (pause) Alright, sir. ELAINE And... he's *hilarious*. JERRY Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? ELAINE I "staked" out his health club. JERRY When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?... JERRY Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit." The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card." "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?" THE END

THE CHEEVER LETTERS

THE CHEEVER LETTERS Written by Larry David (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags) JERRY She hasn't told her father yet? GEORGE No. We're supposed to tell him tonight. JERRY "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"? GEORGE Susan wants me to be there. JERRY You're meetin' the father for the first time? GEORGE (Reluctantly) Yeah. JERRY (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down. GEORGE I didn't burn it down - Kramer did! JERRY (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars.. GEORGE Yeah, I know what happened. JERRY No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer.. GEORGE (Getting frustrated) I know. JERRY (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical.. GEORGE Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind. JERRY (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day. GEORGE (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down.. JERRY (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin. GEORGE We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that. JERRY (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could. GEORGE (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics? JERRY What, you got a problem with the pen now? GEORGE Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth. JERRY Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A. GEORGE (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there? JERRY (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A. GEORGE (Offering) Drink? JERRY No, no thank you. GEORGE (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go. JERRY Act I, Scene A.. (A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes) GEORGE Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? JERRY (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later? (Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in her free hand) ELAINE Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second? (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment) JERRY Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work) GEORGE Alright, here we go. You got it? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Here we go. JERRY Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in. GEORGE (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say? (A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra) ELAINE Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long? SANDRA Why? Did Jerry say something? ELAINE No, no. SANDRA He must have said something. ELAINE Oh, no, he didn't say anything. SANDRA (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly) ELAINE (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh! (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up) GEORGE Alright, let's go. JERRY Here we go. (Both get situated to write as Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. GEORGE yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work.. JERRY Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you? KRAMER (Complaining) No more golf. JERRY Why? KRAMER Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh? GEORGE What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin! KRAMER Why? What's one thing got to do with another? GEORGE Kramer, please. KRAMER Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with! GEORGE Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else. KRAMER (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves) GEORGE (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off. JERRY What?! GEORGE Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time. JERRY (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script? GEORGE I think we got a bite on it. (Exits) (Scene ends) (The Ross' house) (Susan, her parents, and George are all dining) MRS. ROSS (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah? MR. ROSS (Gruff) A slight resemblance. (George laughs slightly) MRS. ROSS (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know. GEORGE Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean.. (Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off) MR. ROSS How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you? GEORGE Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah. MR. ROSS You know those cigars are made special for Castro? GEORGE (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh) MR. ROSS What? SUSAN (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy. MR. ROSS I didn't care much for his jokes. SUSAN (To George) Daddy never laughs. GEORGE Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"? MR. ROSS You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere. MRS. ROSS You and your cigars.. MR. ROSS (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick. SUSAN Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about.. MR. ROSS Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin? GEORGE (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone) JERRY Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable! ELAINE (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her? JERRY (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this? ELAINE (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you. JERRY (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her. (Scene ends) (The Ross' house) (Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be discussed) GEORGE The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan? SUSAN Uhh.. about the cabin.. MR. ROSS (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me. GEORGE (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude. MR. ROSS What? GEORGE S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all.. MR. ROSS When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan) MRS. ROSS (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day. SUSAN Daddy.. MR. ROSS Yes? SUSAN Daddy, about the cabin.. MRS. ROSS (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again) MR. ROSS (To Susan) What about it? SUSAN Well, the thing is.. MR. ROSS What? What is it? SUSAN Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George? GEORGE (Extremely blunt) Burned. MR. ROSS Burned? SUSAN There was a fire, and it uh.. GEORGE Burned. MR. ROSS (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned? GEORGE (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo.. MRS. ROSS (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her) MR. ROSS Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything? SUSAN (Solemn) No. Nothing. MRS. ROSS (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha. (Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward the room's exit as everyone continues to talk) GEORGE Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt) SANDRA (Offended) I can't believe you said that! JERRY What?! SANDRA (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?! JERRY What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up! SANDRA That was a weird thing to say. JERRY Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed. SANDRA Ohh, I think you're really sick. JERRY (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me. SANDRA I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path) JERRY I really think you're making too much of this. SANDRA (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door) JERRY Let me walk you to a cab. SANDRA (Opens the door) That's ok. JERRY I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it. SANDRA Oh, really? (Quickly walks out) JERRY (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't. (Scene ends) (The Coffee shop) (Jerry's telling George about last night) JERRY So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg. GEORGE Wo-hoah! What did you do? JERRY (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg? GEORGE Yeah, right. JERRY I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!" GEORGE Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? JERRY I don't know, they're working on a whole other level.. GEORGE Alright, so, go ahead. JERRY So we go back to my apartment.. GEORGE (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah! JERRY So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking. GEORGE (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say? JERRY (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual.. GEORGE No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? JERRY Typical things. GEORGE (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical. JERRY She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply) GEORGE (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy. JERRY ..And then she starts talking about her panties. GEORGE (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here! JERRY So I said something. GEORGE Ok, what did you say? JERRY (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up. GEORGE Of course. JERRY Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?" GEORGE (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What does that mean? JERRY (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out. GEORGE Well, how did she react? JERRY She flipped out! Just left. GEORGE Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive. JERRY Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it. GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something? JERRY She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing. JERRY I guess he failed to see the humor in it. GEORGE Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today. JERRY (Getting up) Alright, big work day. GEORGE That's right. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down in the living room while giving each other pep talks) GEORGE Okay. JERRY Let's go. GEORGE Here we are. JERRY Right now. GEORGE Let's do it. JERRY You and me. GEORGE Okay. JERRY Alright. GEORGE What'dya got? JERRY (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here.. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Oh, hey. (Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests) GEORGE Don't be silly. JERRY Come in, we're taking a break. KRAMER (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah? JERRY Yeah! KRAMER Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars? GEORGE (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that. KRAMER (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George) (Scene ends) (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building) (Kramer walks up to a secretary) KRAMER Buenos dias. SECRETARY Buenos dias. KRAMER Uh, habla ingles? SECRETARY Si. KRAMER Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone. SECRETARY What is this about? KRAMER Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent. SECRETARY Are you an American? KRAMER Oh, yeah. SECRETARY I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone) KRAMER Okay. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. George rolls off the couch and falls to the floor) JERRY (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah? ELAINE It's Elaine. JERRY C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine) GEORGE (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while.. JERRY (Agreeing) Yeah, we should. GEORGE Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me? JERRY Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them? GEORGE No, no, no, no. JERRY Oh. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld! JERRY What? ELAINE I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work. JERRY Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it. ELAINE Why? What happened? Did you talk? JERRY Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to. ELAINE Really? JERRY Yes. ELAINE Really? You really think I should fire her? JERRY Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself. (George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep) (Scene ends) (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building) (A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer) MAN (To secretary) Expira te afuera. KRAMER (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias. MAN What is your name, Senor? KRAMER Uh, Kramer. MAN So, Senor Kramer, what is this about? KRAMER (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars. MAN (Confused) Cigars? KRAMER (Definite) Cigars. MAN What about cigars? KRAMER Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings.. MAN Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these.. KRAMER (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah? MAN (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. KRAMER Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh? (The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket) MAN I like that jacket.. (Scene ends) (The Ross' apartment) (There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and George) SUSAN Hi! GEORGE Hi, how are ya? (They kiss) SUSAN Hey, Jerry. JERRY Hi. SUSAN I thought you two guys were working today. JERRY Ah, just - takin' a little break. GEORGE (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her) SUSAN Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend. GEORGE Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major? RICKY (Blunt) I don't have one. GEORGE Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George) SUSAN (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara. SARA (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me. MRS. ROSS Sara, what do you have on your wheels? SARA Nothing, they're clean. MRS. ROSS Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off? RICKY (Annoyed) Yes. MRS. ROSS (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you wipe your wheels. (Doorbell rings) SUSAN Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond. RAYMOND Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire. SUSAN (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here. GEORGE Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters) SUSAN From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever. JERRY AND GEORGE Oh, wow. SUSAN (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction) (A long pause) GEORGE Well, we.. we, we, ah.. JERRY (Looking at his watch ) Yeah.. GEORGE We really should be, uh, heading out.. JERRY Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time. GEORGE You know, the time.. (Susan's father is now standing in the hallway) MR. ROSS The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?! MRS. ROSS (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?! SARA (Yelling out) I knew it! MRS. ROSS I want to know who John is! RICKEY John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?! MR. ROSS (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go) GEORGE Well, we really should be- JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions. JERRY Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time. GEORGE yeah, time is what he's indicating there.. JERRY (Waving good bye) We'll see ya. GEORGE Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward. (Jerry grabs George, leaving) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, attempting to write) GEORGE Alright, here we go. JERRY Alright, let's go. GEORGE Come on now. JERRY Right now. GEORGE Here we go. JERRY You and me. GEORGE You got it. JERRY No foolin' GEORGE Ok, so, what'dya got? JERRY (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello". GEORGE Alright, so, we need something.. JERRY Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?" GEORGE "How's it going?" - beautiful. (They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now.. JERRY (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line? GEORGE (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?" JERRY Did you write it down? GEORGE I'm writin' it. "How's it going?" JERRY Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine) ELAINE Real good! JERRY What?! ELAINE Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars! JERRY What?! How? ELAINE I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe! JERRY What calls?! ELAINE Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman! JERRY Oh, did - did she say anything else to you? ELAINE (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"? JERRY So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything? ELAINE Yeah! JERRY (Smiling to himself) Beautiful. ELAINE Why is that beautiful? JERRY Oh, no, not beautiful. ELAINE It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars! JERRY Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that. ELAINE No, no. JERRY (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my- ELAINE (Giving up too easy) Okay. JERRY (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke? (Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed up in golf wear, smoking cigars) KRAMER Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto. JERRY Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you. KRAMER Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links. JERRY Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your.. KRAMER (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos! (They exit) ELAINE (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading? GEORGE Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent. ELAINE (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff? JERRY Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here. ELAINE (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone. JERRY (Moving back into the living room) Okay. ELAINE (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places) THE END

THE STAND IN

THE STAND-IN Written by Larry David (Comedy Club) JERRY The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going) (Jerry and George on a Bus) GEORGE It's just not good, it's not good. JERRY It's not good. GEORGE I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers. JERRY Well at breakfast everybody reads. GEORGE No. Lunch we read, dinner we read. JERRY You read during lunch? GEORGE Ya JERRY Oh, well. GEORGE There's nothing to talk about. JERRY Ya, what's there to talk about. GEORGE Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about. JERRY Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about? GEORGE She knows there is nothing to talk about. JERRY At least you'll be talking. GEORGE Oh shut up. (Al comes onto the bus) AL Hey, look who's here. JERRY Hey, Al. GEORGE Hey, Al. How's it going? AL (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you? GEORGE Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower. AL Great girl. GEORGE We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks. JERRY Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower. AL (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton? JERRY Ya. AL I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit. JERRY Me? AL Ya, he said he could use a good laugh. GEORGE What about me? AL (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya. GEORGE Ya JERRY Ya, see ya. (Al leaves) GEORGE Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all. JERRY (points to George) Ya. (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George enter the apartment) GEORGE I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital. JERRY Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me. GEORGE Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse. JERRY Oh, stop it. GEORGE Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care? JERRY So you're not gonna come? GEORGE No but say hello for me. (Kramer and Mickey enter) KRAMER Hey! JERRY Hey! Hey Mick. MICKEY Hey Jerry. KRAMER What's doing? JERRY Nothing, what's doing with you? KRAMER Same old, same old. JERRY George this is Mickey. GEORGE Hi, nice to meet you. (George and Mickey shake hands) MICKEY Pleasure. JERRY How's work going you guys? MICKEY Lets not even talk about it. GEORGE (to Kramer) You got a job? KRAMER Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father. MICKEY (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap. JERRY How do you stop a kid from growing? KRAMER (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes. MICKEY I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any. KRAMER (to Mickey) What about lifts? MICKEY (to Kramer) Out of the question. GEORGE (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget? (Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp) MICKEY (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that? KRAMER Easy Mickey, easy. GEORGE Yap.. KRAMER All right we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing? JERRY I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton. KRAMER (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me. (Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway) KRAMER Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes. MICKEY Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done. KRAMER You wanna keep your job don't you? MICKEY Ya but.. (Kramer interrupts him) KRAMER YAH! No Buts MICKEY Kramer (Kramer interrupts again) KRAMER (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH! (Fulton's Hospital Room) (Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters) JERRY Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me. FULTON Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh. JERRY Who couldn't. FULTON I haven't cracked a smile in months. JERRY Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit. FULTON It's a fine time. JERRY Oh, all right ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him.... (Monk's) (George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper) GEORGE (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs? DAPHNE Eggs are eggs. GEORGE (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Daphne DAPHNE (correcting George) Daphne. GEORGE Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult... DAPHNE (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today. GEORGE Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say? DAPHNE He told me not to get involved with you. GEORGE What? DAPHNE Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me. GEORGE He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that. DAPHNE Is it true? GEORGE Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me. (ABC Studios) (All My Children Set) SON How long are you going to be away for Daddy? FATHER I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend. SON Don't go Daddy, don't go. FATHER Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. DIRECTOR (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins KRAMER Yo STAGE HAND All right you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights. (Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions) KRAMER (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work. MICKEY (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy? KRAMER (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend. MICKEY (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go. KRAMER Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. (Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in the face) MICKEY Ah! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer still holding on) all right! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him) DIRECTOR Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour. (The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different) KRAMER How do those lifts feel? MICKEY Quiet. TAMMY Hi guys. MICKEY Hey Tammy. TAMMY Hey, you look different. Have you been working out? MICKEY (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of. TAMMY Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great. MICKEY How about lunch? TAMMY OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer. KRAMER Ya. TAMMY Bye Mickey KRAMER Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake) KRAMER & MICKEY Ya! MICKEY All of a sudden. KRAMER What? JOHNNY Hey Mick. MICKEY How you doin' Johnny? JOHNNY What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy? MICKEY Maybe. What's it to you? JOHNNY Somethin' different about you. MICKEY I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer) JOHNNY Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different. (Kramer starts eating a sandwich) MICKEY You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya. JOHNNY I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out. (Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer shakes his head no.) (Back to Jerry with Fulton) JERRY ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really, really, funny. (Phil Enters) PHIL Hey Jerry. JERRY Hey Phil how you doing? PHIL You look terrific. JERRY I got my health. PHIL Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing? JERRY (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs. (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry and Elaine) ELAINE You should have told that story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza. (Buzzer) JERRY I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya? GEORGE (on the speaker) Ya JERRY Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys. ELAINE Do I know him? JERRY No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him. ELAINE If you were a woman would you go out with him? JERRY If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in. ELAINE (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right, give him my number. JERRY all right. (George Enters) GEORGE This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.' JERRY What? GEORGE Ya. That's what she told me. ELAINE Why? GEORGE Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt. ELAINE Is she? GEORGE Of course. ELAINE So? GEORGE Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her. ELAINE Maybe he likes her. GEORGE Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me. JERRY So what are you gonna do? GEORGE Well I can't break up with her now. JERRY Why? GEORGE Because he said I was going to. ELAINE So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite? GEORGE Yes, I am. JERRY Ya, I could see that. GEORGE I don't see any way around it. JERRY No, me either. GEORGE What choice do I have? JERRY None. (ABC Studio Locker Room) (Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his lifts where in there) (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry and Kramer) JERRY Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse. KRAMER Did you tell him the Pachyderm story? JERRY (yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm story! KRAMER Maybe I outta go over there. JERRY Towards what end? KRAMER I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery. (Knocking on the Door) (Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal Mickey) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey Mick. MICKEY (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker. KRAMER YAOH! MICKEY (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you. KRAMER Hey, nobody put a gun to your head. MICKEY Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer) KRAMER Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back) MICKEY You (grabs Kramer) (Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle) JERRY (starts pulling them apart) All right break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells) KRAMER (pacing back and forth) Ya. JERRY; Behave yourselves. MICKEY I'm sorry Kramer. KRAMER No no it's all right, it's all right. You're stressed Oout! JERRY (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you? MICKEY Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin. KRAMER (whistles) What's he like huh? MICKEY He's a good kid. KRAMER Ya? JERRY So what does he care if you put lifts in? MICKEY You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!? (George's car outside Daphne's place) DAPHNE George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch... GEORGE (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight. DAPHNE Why not? GEORGE I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us. DAPHNE I thought we were going to spend the day together. GEORGE Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs) DAPHNE Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in? GEORGE Yes, oh yes very much. DAPHNE Maybe you don't want to move in. GEORGE No, no I do. You know it's just... DAPHNE (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you. GEORGE (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! all right I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad. (Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment) ELAINE (Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can barely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of... PHIL (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants. ELAINE (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy. PHIL Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story. ELAINE I know, I know, I was unbelievable (laughter dying) PHIL Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. ELAINE (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know. PHIL Well this has been one hell of a night. ELAINE Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner. PHIL You know, you really are beautiful Elaine. ELAINE Oh, well, (pauses) Good night. PHIL Good night? ELAINE Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face) (Jerry's Apartment) (Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone) JERRY (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week. It killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey. ELAINE Hello. JERRY So? ELAINE What? JERRY Come on. How was your date? ELAINE Oh, the date. The date. JERRY Ya how was it? ELAINE Interesting. JERRY Really. ELAINE Oh ya. JERRY Why what happened? ELAINE Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this. JERRY Just put it. ELAINE He took it out. JERRY (confused) He what? ELAINE He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out. JERRY He took what out? ELAINE It. JERRY He took It, Out? ELAINE Yessiree Bob. JERRY He couldn't. ELAINE He did. JERRY (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous... ELAINE Noooo. JERRY You mean he just ELAINE Yes. JERRY Are you sure? ELAINE Oh quite. JERRY There was no mistaking it? ELAINE (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry. JERRY So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden... ELAINE Yea. JERRY It. ELAINE It. JERRY Out. ELAINE Out. JERRY Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be? ELAINE Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with? (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola? ELAINE (to Kramer) He took it out. (Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back) KRAMER Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human. (Monk's) (Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door) GEORGE So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden. JERRY It. GEORGE It. JERRY Out. GEORGE Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) all right, Hey come on, get out of here, Daphne gonna be here any minute. JERRY All right I'm going. GEORGE You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her. JERRY Well how long you are going to keep this up? GEORGE Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again. JERRY You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet. GEORGE I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick. JERRY Yes I do. GEORGE What are you doing? JERRY I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material. (Fulton's Hospital Room) (Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room) PHIL Ah hey Jer. JERRY Oh hey Phil. PHIL You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong. JERRY Well, y..you showed her who you are. (Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway) PHIL Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public. JERRY Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last. PHIL I'll see ya. JERRY Ya take it easy. (Phil leaves) (Jerry enters Fulton's Room) JERRY (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here. (ABC Studios set) KRAMER & MICKEY Rock, paper, scissors match. MICKEY all right, rock beats paper. (Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing) KRAMER I thought paper covered rock? MICKEY Nah, rock flies right through paper. KRAMER What beats rock? MICKEY (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock. KRAMER all right come on. KRAMER & MICKEY Rock, paper, scissors match. KRAMER Rock. MICKEY Rock KRAMER & MICKEY Rock, paper, scissors match. KRAMER Rock. MICKEY Rock. (Bob walks by) MICKEY Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him) KRAMER (stops Mickey) all right, come on. KRAMER & MICKEY Rock, paper, scissors match. KRAMER Rock. MICKEY Rock. (Tammy walks up) MICKEY Hey Tammy. TAMMY Hello. MICKEY So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch. TAMMY I don't think so. MICKEY Why not? What the hell are you talking about? TAMMY Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set. MICKEY Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm) TAMMY (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this. MICKEY Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda' lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea. TAMMY Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat. (all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny) MICKEY (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH! KRAMER What? (Mickey runs and tackles Kramer) MICKEY AH! KRAMER Mickey! (Back in Fulton's Hospital Room) (Jerry is doing material) JERRY This guy's belching out vitamins.. FULTON (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop. JERRY (cont.) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything? FULTON (still laughing and coughing) Stop. JERRY For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton? (Back at Monk's) (George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door) DAPHNE George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult. GEORGE (happily) Difficult? DAPHNE The other day, after work, some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George... GEORGE (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't. DAPHNE Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck. GEORGE Pachyderm? DAPHNE Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza... THE END

THE SHOES

THE SHOES Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script for the "Jerry" pilot episode.) GEORGE Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!" JERRY That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny. GEORGE I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this! JERRY Yeah, it's funny! GEORGE I mean, how funny is this? JERRY It's funny. GEORGE I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny! JERRY It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today. GEORGE Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her. JERRY Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine. GEORGE Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. We should try and get her into this scene. JERRY Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters. (Thinks) What does she say...? GEORGE I don't know, what do women say? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy. JERRY You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much. GEORGE Alright, forget Elaine. JERRY Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today. JERRY Who? KRAMER Your old flame. Gail Cunningham. JERRY Did you talk to her? KRAMER Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here? JERRY So what happened? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight. JERRY Yeah, I know about the three dates. KRAMER You know what I did? I snubbed her. JERRY What do you mean, you snubbed her? KRAMER I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word. JERRY Right by her? KRAMER Right by her! JERRY What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. Your loyalty is beyond question. KRAMER Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse. New scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing her the script. ELAINE I'm not even in here! JERRY Yeah, I know. ELAINE I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes. JERRY Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and... ELAINE You couldn't "keep track" of everybody? JERRY Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is. ELAINE You have no idea? JERRY Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.) GAIL I thought I'd find you here. JERRY Well, Gail Cunningham. ELAINE Hi, Gail. GAIL Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer? JERRY Why? GAIL He snubbed me. JERRY Are you sure? GAIL Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him? JERRY Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.) ELAINE I thought you were finished. JERRY I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite? GAIL So, how come? Why did Kramer do that? JERRY I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction. GAIL Well, tell him that I am mad at him. JERRY Alright. So, where ya cookin' now? GAIL Pfeiffer's. JERRY Ah, the power lunch crowd. GAIL Nice shoes! ELAINE Oh. Thank you. GAIL Where'd you get 'em? ELAINE They're um, Botticelli's. GAIL Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there. ELAINE Really. JERRY Would you care to join us? GAIL No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.) JERRY See ya. ELAINE "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's." JERRY That bothered you? ELAINE Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me. JERRY It did? ELAINE Yes! Couldn't you see that? JERRY No. This is why you're not in the pilot. New scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist. DANA Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress. GEORGE Yeah, I feel like I've grown. DANA Good. So, let's pick up on this next week. GEORGE Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script? DANA Yes, yes I did. GEORGE Well, what'd you think? DANA Uh...it was...good. GEORGE You didn't like it? DANA Well, no, I - GEORGE I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it? DANA It wasn't funny. GEORGE It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding? DANA No, I didn't find it funny. GEORGE You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for? DANA Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that. GEORGE Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon. DANA George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism. GEORGE How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do. DANA I think you'd better go. GEORGE Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak! New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both standing by the door. Elaine enters. GEORGE So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that? ELAINE I guess she didn't think it was funny. GEORGE Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee! JERRY I thought your mother's paying for it. GEORGE And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person." JERRY You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me. ELAINE What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.) JERRY Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought. ELAINE Well, you know, I... KRAMER I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.) JERRY You what? KRAMER Yeah, I kissed her. JERRY You kissed her? KRAMER Right on the mouth. JERRY What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing? KRAMER Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.) JERRY And what did she do? KRAMER She kissed me back. JERRY I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you? KRAMER Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub! GEORGE No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.) KRAMER Ooh, so...I understand you're buying new shoes now at Botticelli's. ELAINE What? Who told you that? KRAMER Gail Cunningham. ELAINE I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation? KRAMER Well, you know, we were just talking, and she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's. ELAINE "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.) JERRY So what? ELAINE So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...) New scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant. Elaine marches in. ELAINE Hey! Gail! GAIL Elaine...! ELAINE Why are you talking about my shoes? GAIL What? ELAINE My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes. GAIL What are you talking about? ELAINE Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.) WAITER Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera? GAIL Look Elaine, I am very busy here. ELAINE Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation! GAIL I am not discussing this. This is insane. WAITER You got that pasta primavera? Let's go! (Gail passes the plate to the waiter in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on it. The waiter brings the pasta to the dining room and serves it to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC.) Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple. RUSSELL Thank you. WAITER Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch. New scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment to discuss the script. RUSSELL Well, come in. (They shake hands.) Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week. JERRY Are you alright? RUSSELL Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch. JERRY Where did you eat? RUSSELL Pfeiffer's. JERRY Ah. I know the chef there. RUSSELL Yeah. The food's usually terrific. GEORGE My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.) RUSSELL What are you saying? GEORGE Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee. RUSSELL Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon. JERRY Oh, you have a daughter? RUSSELL Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week. GEORGE Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.) RUSSELL Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.) JERRY What? RUSSELL Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.) GEORGE Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.) JERRY I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...? GEORGE Pasta primavera. JERRY Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.' GEORGE No! JERRY Yeah. RUSSELL Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me. GEORGE So, you were saying how, um...about the script... RUSSELL Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.) GEORGE More jokes? JERRY Another ending? GEORGE A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.) JERRY Maybe we should go. GEORGE We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.) RUSSELL Oh God. Oh my god. JERRY I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.) MOLLY Hello. JERRY Hi. GEORGE Hi. MOLLY I'm Molly. JERRY I'm Jerry. GEORGE George. JERRY We're here discussing our script with your father. GEORGE He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.) MOLLY Daddy? Are you okay? RUSSELL Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits on the back of the chair.) GEORGE So, you live with your mother, huh? MOLLY Uh, yeah. GEORGE Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.) MOLLY Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter? RUSSELL It's just a stomach thing. MOLLY Yuck. RUSSELL We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. (Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.) GEORGE You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.) RUSSELL Get a good look, Costanza? New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. JERRY What were you doing? GEORGE Well, it's not my fault. You poked me! JERRY You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building. GEORGE It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life. JERRY Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. GEORGE All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage. JERRY That's why I poked. GEORGE That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.) GAIL Hey! What is with your friend Elaine? JERRY What? GAIL She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes. KRAMER Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful. GAIL I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer and Gail exit.) GEORGE Pasta primavera? JERRY Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.) KRAMER She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out. JERRY She is? KRAMER She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.) JERRY Hello? Oh, hi Stu. GEORGE From NBC? JERRY Yeah. What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.) Commercial break. New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. JERRY If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened. ELAINE Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway! GEORGE He poked me! JERRY There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke... ELAINE But she was fifteen. JERRY You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head. GEORGE Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office... JERRY You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him. GEORGE Hey, now you're onto something. JERRY The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress. GEORGE Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody like Gail, though. ELAINE What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Yah-hey. JERRY Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me. KRAMER Alright, I'll call her right now. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.) ELAINE What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats? JERRY Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.) KRAMER She said she'll do it. JERRY Beautiful. KRAMER But she wants the shoes. ELAINE What? KRAMER She says she wants those shoes. ELAINE She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em! JERRY No, come on! I'll buy you another pair! ELAINE No, these were the last pair of these that they had! JERRY I'll get you another one just like it! ELAINE No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.) GEORGE Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her... ELAINE Oh yeah, because she caught you jer - GEORGE Never mind! ELAINE Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size? KRAMER Alright, what size are you? ELAINE Seven-and-a-half. KRAMER Eh! Bingo. New scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple being shown to his table. GAIL Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.) Continuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant. Jerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they walk over to Russell's table. JERRY Hey! Whattaya know! GEORGE Look who's here! JERRY Fancy meeting you here! RUSSELL Oh. Hello. GEORGE Pasta primavera! Back on the horse. JERRY You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you. GEORGE Didn't hear anything... JERRY Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened. RUSSELL It just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. (Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.) So, what were you saying? GEORGE Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer? JERRY No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.) ELAINE Excuse me, are you using that ketchup? RUSSELL Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.) GEORGE Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.) RUSSELL Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. (Elaine comes back over.) ELAINE Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble? RUSSELL No. ELAINE Do you have a...ketchup secret? RUSSELL No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.) ELAINE Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.) RUSSELL Field of vision, huh? Commercial break. New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's. Gail comes over to the table. GAIL How's everything? ELAINE Mmmm. JERRY Really good. GEORGE This pasta primavera is fabulous. JERRY Very tasty. GAIL How'd everything go with that NBC guy? GEORGE Great. JERRY The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...? ELAINE You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work. JERRY Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us. ELAINE Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley. GEORGE Well, it's a funny idea. JERRY It's funny! GEORGE C'mon, funny is funny. JERRY Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right? ELAINE Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night. JERRY If you can. GEORGE Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way? ELAINE Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.) JERRY I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.) THE END

THE WINK

THE WINK Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Elaine's bedroom - phone rings) ELAINE Hello. JAMES This is your wake up service. It's 7:15. ELAINE Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep. JAMES Hot date last night? ELAINE I wish. JAMES A woman with a sexy voice like yours its hard to believe you're waking up alone. ELAINE Really? Thank you, wake up service . . . person. JAMES Call me James. ELAINE Oh, all right, James. He he he. (Monks) GEORGE Your wake up guy asked you out? ELAINE Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie, JERRY I don't know. Blind date? ELAINE What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her. JERRY Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her. ELAINE At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date. JERRY I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf. ELAINE Ah. . . GEORGE Now you're off on a topic. JERRY You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf. ELAINE Uh hu. JERRY Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge. GEORGE You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her. ELAINE I think she'd figure it out. (waitress places plates on the table) ELAINE What? What is this? JERRY Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit. ELAINE Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into? JERRY A healthy person. GEORGE (rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me. JERRY Oh, sorry GEORGE Boy, it stings. (Yankee Stadium) WILHELM George, have you seen Morgan? GEORGE No. WILHELM He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong? GEORGE No, not that I know of. (winks) WILHELM Really? Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me. GEORGE Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks) WILHELM I understand. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date. ELAINE I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking. JERRY You're going by sound? What are we? Whales? ELAINE I think I can tell. JERRY Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking? ELAINE Twenty-five percent. JERRY Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot. ELAINE You're way off. JERRY Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there. ELAINE So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable? JERRY UNDATEABLE! ELAINE Then how are all these people getting together? JERRY Alcohol. ELAINE (to George who is winking) What is your problem? GEORGE No problem here. ELAINE You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious. GEORGE I had no idea. ELAINE Right there. Right there. You just did it again. GEORGE Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me. ELAINE You're eye still hurts? GEORGE Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too. JERRY Pulp couldn't make it across the table. GEORGE Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast? JERRY Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks. GEORGE Wait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso. ELAINE What did he think, you were flirtin' with him? GEORGE Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hi guys. JERRY Hi, KRAMER Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature? GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER And Buck Showalter's? GEORGE It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office. KRAMER Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs. GEORGE Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks) KRAMER No, of course not. (winks back) (Sports Memorabilia Shop) KRAMER You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter. STEINBRENNER I don't know. An envelope doesn't really cut it. KRAMER Why? STEINBRENNER What is this? A birthday card. Ha ha . . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization! . . . This could be worth something. (Yankee Stadium) GEORGE Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan? MM Hello. MORGAN Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday card? GEORGE Birthday card? MORGAN Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you had it for me to sign. GEORGE Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch. MORGAN Fine. I'll be back after my massage. GEORGE Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks) (Monk's - Elaine sitting alone) ELAINE Hello. JAMES Elaine? ELAINE James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew! (Old Homestead Steak House) HOLLY I can't believe you've never taken anybody here before. JERRY Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater. HOLLY . . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . . JERRY Well, no, I'm not one of those. HOLLY When we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here. JERRY Grandma Memma? HOLLY Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma. JERRY No, I think I would have remembered Memma. HOLLY Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Memma. WAITER Ready? HOLLY I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream, JERRY What do you recommend besides the steak? WAITER The lamb chops are good. JERRY Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken? WAITER It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola. JERRY You know what? I think I'll just have the salad. WAITER . . . Thank you. JERRY (mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad? (Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs) JAMES Hey you, hey you. ELAINE Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs? JAMES Yeah, you know, when you live alone, you're dogs are all you have. Do you like dogs? ELAINE (mind's voice from - ... ) SHUT UP! YOU STUPID LITTLE MUT ! ELAINE Dogs. Oh I love dogs. JAMES Boys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're usually very friendly. Hey! (Yankee Stadium) GEORGE Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage? MORGAN I had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage. GEORGE Really? MORGAN Yeah, we had this big fight at lunch it looks like tonight I will be sleeping on the couch. GEORGE Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again. MORGAN I know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off. GEORGE Geez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing. MORGAN Costanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card? GEORGE Ah, not yet. MORGAN Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it. GEORGE Yes sir! (Jerry's apartment) ELAINE I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me. JERRY Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly? ELAINE Huh huh. JERRY Did she mention anything about our lunch? ELAINE Uh, kind of. JERRY What do you mean, "kind of."? ELAINE I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man. JERRY What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters. ELAINE You got that right. JERRY But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right? ELAINE Um uh. JERRY What is she making? ELAINE I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come. JERRY Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery. (Kramer's door - George knocks) KRAMER Ah, Mr. Weatherbee. GEORGE You got the Yankee envelope? KRAMER Sure do. GEORGE oh, KRAMER Here you go. GEORGE Hey, he, KRAMER You'll be pleased to see what's inside. GEORGE What is this? KRAMER You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside. GEORGE Who told you to sell the card? KRAMER You did. GEORGE No I didn't! KRAMER No, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks) GEORGE I was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible. KRAMER Well Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital . GEORGE Well get it back! It's very important. (winks) KRAMER Look, do you want me to get it back or not? GEORGE (holds eyes wide open) Get it back! (Holly's apartment) ELAINE Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins? HOLLY They're grandma Memma's. ELAINE Oh, I don't remember them. HOLLY Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions. ELAINE Special occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited? HOLLY Everybody like mutton? JERRY Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off. (Hospital room) KRAMER That you Bobby? BOBBY KRAMER Well, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it. BOBBY Sure do. Mister. KRAMER Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back. BOBBY Oh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world. KRAMER Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee. BOBBY Paul O'Neill. KRAMER All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you. BOBBY Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that? KRAMER For you he would. BOBBY Would he hit two home runs? KRAMER Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me. BOBBY I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again. KRAMER Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card. (Holly's apartment) ELAINE What about this candelabra? HOLLY Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad. JERRY Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton. HOLLY That is so funny. Did you just make that up? JERRY I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket) HOLLY That was in Grandma's study. ELAINE What did you do, ransack the place after she died? JERRY This is some FINE mutton. ELAINE I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket? JERRY Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back) ELAINE It's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton. (On the street - dogs following Elaine) ELAINE Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear. (Holly's) HOLLY Where are the napkins? JERRY What? HOLLY Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she? JERRY I don't know about that. Have you got any floss? HOLLY You heard her. She coveted them. I bet she took them just to spite me. She's probably having a good laugh about it right now. (On the street dogs chasing Elaine) ELAINE Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a (Jame's apartment) JERRY Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood? ELAINE Did you do with the dogs? JERRY Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on? ELAINE These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here. JERRY Why were dogs chasing you? ELAINE They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now. JERRY I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep. ELAINE We'll have to sleep head to toe. JERRY Head to toe? ELAINE Head to toe. (The next morning at Jame's) ELAINE Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15. JERRY I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face. ELAINE You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make? JERRY I'll make them later. Uh. (Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch) (Yankee Stadium - George's office) WILHELM Have you seen Morgan? GEORGE He's not here? WILHELM No, He's late. GEORGE It's impossible. I got him a wake up service. WILHELM Now, George, you don't have to cover for him any more. He's going to be gone soon and I'm going to recommend you for his job. GEORGE . . . gone? (Monk's) JERRY It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion. GEORGE I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan. ELAINE Nah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins. GEORGE Napkins? ELAINE I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins. JERRY Because they were in the pockets of my jacket. ELAINE They were? JERRY Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton. ELAINE Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton. GEORGE What exactly is mutton? JERRY I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket? ELAINE Oh, I must have left it at Jame's JERRY You spent the night at James's? Did we? ELAINE Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business. JERRY Reversed positions? ELAINE Yeah, you know, head to toe. JERRY So what your genitals are still lined up. ELAINE No, because I slept with my back to him. (long pause - no comment from the guys) (Yankee Stadium) KRAMER Mr. O'Neill? O'NEILL Yeah. KRAMER Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me. O'NEILL I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something. KRAMER No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits. O'NEILL Sure, I could help you there. KRAMER Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs. O'NEILL Say what? KRAMER You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers. O'NEILL You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs? KRAMER Yeah, well, no good? O'NEILL Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from? KRAMER Two is better than one. O'NEILL That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter. KRAMER Well, Babe Ruth did it. O'NEILL He did not. KRAMER Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar? O'NEILL I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two. KRAMER Well, maybe I did overextend myself. O'NEILL How the heck did you get in here anyway? (James's) JAMES (on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you have to stick your feet in my face? . . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on. . . . (to dogs) Fellas! (Hospital) TV The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon. KRAMER It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice? BOBBY After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run. (Jerry's) HOLLY (from buzzer) It's Holly. JERRY Yeah. Come on up. TV And the two and one pitch to O'Neill. A towering shot back to deep right field and it's gone. (Hospital) KRAMER Yeah. TV A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead one nothing. KRAMER OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT! BOBBY One more to go. (Jerry's) (Holly enters) JERRY Hey. What's all this? HOLLY I decided I was going to make you dinner. JERRY I thought we were going out. HOLLY Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you. JERRY Franco? HOLLY Your butcher, down the street. JERRY I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me. HOLLY A little. JERRY That is so Franco. (Hospital) TV Bottom of the eighth, score tied at one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill. KRAMER You know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill. KRAMER He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me. TV "Klick! Long fly ball into deep left field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's rounding second O'Neill going for third, O'Neill rounding . . . KRAMER Come on Come on! TV . . . third being waived in. KRAMER GO! GO!! TV . . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the Yankees take the lead. KRAMER An In The Park Home Run! BOBBY Yeay! KRAMER All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card) TV That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez. BOBBY Hey, ... KRAMER Huh? BOBBY ... that's not a home run. (grabs frame) KRAMER Yeah, maybe not technically, but ... BOBBY You said he'd hit two home runs. KRAMER Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good! BOBBY Well, you're not taking that card. KRAMER Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that ... (Jerry's) HOLLY So, is the chop the way you like it? JERRY I usually like mine with an angioplasty. (stuffs meat in sofa) (Elaine enters) ELAINE You know something really stinks to high h... Holly! What are you doing here? JERRY What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops. ELAINE I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket. HOLLY What about the napkins? ELAINE I didn't take your napkins. HOLLY Then who did? ELAINE Ask Jerry. JERRY We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant. (George's office, Yankee Stadium) WILHELM I still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it? MORGAN No sir, George never gave it to me. GEORGE No, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . . (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hi, WILHELM What's this? KRAMER Oh, it's a birthday card. KRAMER (to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat. WILHELM George, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this? KRAMER And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope. WILHELM Ha ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the good work. MORGAN Ha ha, uh, well you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass? (Jerry's) (James enters with his dogs) ELAINE Uh, this is,... HOLLY Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing? JAMES Oh, bandanas, aren't they cute? HOLLY You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?! JERRY Hey, what happened to my jacket? JAMES Oh, the dogs did that but it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket. HOLLY Was it mutton? JAMES Could have been. HOLLY Do you always stuff meat in your pocket? (Dogs climbing on sofa) JERRY Uh, sometimes I use the sofa. (Steinbrenner's office) (George enters) GEORGE You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? STEINBRENNER Yes, George, please, come in, come in. STEINBRENNER Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing. GEORGE Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan. STEINBRENNER Morgan, Morgan, you know his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it. GEORGE Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir. STEINBRENNER You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you got his job. GEORGE Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it. STEINBRENNER Stop it George, he's out, you're in. STEINBRENNER A lot more work you know. GEORGE I know. STEINBRENNER A lot more responsibility. Long long hours. GEORGE I know. STEINBRENNER Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve. GEORGE That's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . . STEINBRENNER You know as painfull as it is I had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, ... uh, tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that from me. (George exits) . . . George! THE END

THE LABEL MAKER

THE LABEL MAKER Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they *hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo. Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart. JERRY You sure you don't want the tickets? GEORGE No thanks. JERRY I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets. GEORGE I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game. JERRY I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party. GEORGE Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday? JERRY Maybe he didn't know? GEORGE Lemme see. I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets) Row F?! JERRY Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es. GEORGE Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them? JERRY I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football. GEORGE Wish I could help you. JERRY Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie. GEORGE You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami? JERRY What do you think? GEORGE So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing. JERRY Yeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you haven't, uh... GEORGE Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's the first night. JERRY Aah. GEORGE Hey, is that Tim Whatley? JERRY The Dentist? GEORGE Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party? JERRY Oh, no. I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it. GEORGE Oh good. JERRY Yeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim. TIM Hey Jerry! George. What are you up to? JERRY Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing. GEORGE I'm getting a makeover. JERRY Hey. How would you like to go to the Super Bowl? TIM What, are you kidding? JERRY Here. Two tickets. Have a good time. TIM How can I think you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendys? JERRY No no no. No dinner. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift. I know, it's a label maker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well, label me thankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye. Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door. JERRY Come in. More pounding. Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying a board game. KRAMER Where can I put this? JERRY What is it? KRAMER It's Risk, Jerry. The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright, that's perfect. Newman walks in. JERRY Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman) Hello, Newman. NEWMAN Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work. JERRY Take what? KRAMER The board, Jerry. We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go. JERRY So why don't you leave it at Newman's? NEWMAN I wanted to, he won't let me. KRAMER We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it. JERRY So that's here? KRAMER Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland. JERRY I don't wanna be Switzerland. KRAMER Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted. NEWMAN Don't look at me. KRAMER Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy. JERRY Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out. KRAMER Alright, so you're gonna look after it? JERRY Yeah, yeah. KRAMER Stay strong buddy. JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Watch it good. JERRY Ok. Kramer leaves, Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE Hey. Oh, is that a label maker? JERRY Yes it is. I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior. ELAINE Love the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas. JERRY Tim Whatley? ELAINE Yeah. Who sent you that one? JERRY One Tim Whatley! Elaine. No, my Tim Whatley? JERRY The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets. ELAINE I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter! JERRY Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage. ELAINE Yeah, perhaps. JERRY Well how did he react when you gave it to him? ELAINE Um, he said, "Oh. A label maker. Howbout that?" JERRY He repeated the name of the gift? ELAINE Yeah, so? JERRY Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it. ELAINE What do you mean? JERRY Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks." What are you gonna do about it? ELAINE I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker. JERRY Why'd you get him a gift anyway? ELAINE Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present. JERRY Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large. George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment. BONNIE Well, here we are. This is the place. GEORGE Wow. BONNIE Do you like it? GEORGE I love it! This is fantastic! Look at this couch, is this velvet?! BONNIE Are you a velvet fan? GEORGE A fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors! BONNIE Aren't they great? (sees a man enter from the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi. This is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate. Scott walks into the kitchen. GEORGE Heh heh. BONNIE Here, check out this view. If you lean out this window, you can see the river. Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back to the bedroom. GEORGE So Scott's your roommate, huh? BONNIE Yes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him. GEORGE No, you didn't mention it. BONNIE He's a great guy, you'll really like him. GEORGE I'm sure I will. George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. JERRY Male roommate, huh? GEORGE Yes. A male roommate. JERRY Is this a problem? GEORGE It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that. JERRY Well, maybe he's -- GEORGE No. Believe me, he's not. JERRY So he's an eligible receiver. GEORGE She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.' JERRY What's stopping them? GEORGE Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage. JERRY What does he look like? GEORGE Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me. JERRY He looks like you and he's working from the inside? GEORGE I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position? JERRY Not you. GEORGE Ho ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end! JERRY We'll take a check please. GEORGE I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable-- JERRY I know, you would drape yourself in velvet. GEORGE I've said that before? JERRY Many times. You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet. KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super. JERRY So what? KRAMER The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack. JERRY Oh, maybe he's got no hot water. KRAMER Yeah, alright, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people; you and George. JERRY Are you through? KRAMER Oh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah, the Drake's wedding? That's off. JERRY The wedding is off? What happened? KRAMER The Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and *phlf* it's over. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. GEORGE The wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl. JERRY I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back. GEORGE You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period. JERRY Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period. GEORGE Well, didn't he regift the label maker? JERRY Possibly. GEORGE Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift? JERRY You may have a point. GEORGE I have a point, I have a point. JERRY Alright, I'll call him. GEORGE Yeah. What's that? JERRY Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you? Well it turns out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye. He already made plans, he can't change them. GEORGE Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them. JERRY Thanks. GEORGE Alright, I gotta go. I'm heading over to Bonnie's. JERRY What are you gonna do about the roommate? GEORGE I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him. It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick. JERRY Well, the pickle breath is a good start. George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming the door on him. NEWMAN Hello Jerry, may I come in? JERRY What do you want? NEWMAN Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze? JERRY I'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board. NEWMAN Jerry? I'm a little insulted. JERRY You're not a little anything, Newman. So just pack it up and move it out of here. NEWMAN Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl? JERRY I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why? NEWMAN Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line. JERRY You're going to the Super Bowl? NEWMAN Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me. JERRY What's his name? NEWMAN Tim Whatley. JERRY That's my ticket! NEWMAN Is it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha. JERRY Newman! George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's GEORGE What a movie. Good choice. BONNIE Thank Scott. He recommended it. GEORGE Oh, Scott, Scott. He's really great, isn't he? BONNIE Yes he is. GEORGE Yes he is. Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that? BONNIE George? GEORGE Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze? BONNIE George, you're being ridiculous. GEORGE What's the massage situation? BONNIE What do you mean? GEORGE Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request? BONNIE George, would you just stop? GEORGE Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are? BONNIE George, what is wrong with you? GEORGE I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's unnatural, it's an abomination! Scott enters. SCOTT Hey! GEORGE Hey! SCOTT How ya going? GEORGE I'm good. SCOTT Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna jump in the shower. BONNIE No, just throw my bras out of the way. Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street. TIM Well, this is my building. ELAINE Yes it is. TIM This was fun, you know? ELAINE Yeah. TIM So, I'll call. ELAINE Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs? TIM Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs? ELAINE I would love to go upstairs. TIM Elaine, you are something else. No one can ever put a label on you, huh? ELAINE We'll see. Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop. JERRY Newman. He's going with Newman. GEORGE How does Tim Whatley even know Newman? JERRY Newman's his mailman. GEORGE Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?! JERRY Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?! GEORGE Well, he's merry. JERRY He is merry, I'll give him that. (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for? GEORGE I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate. JERRY Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey, guess what? I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley. JERRY What? ELAINE We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket. JERRY What about the label maker? ELAINE Ah, well. JERRY Wait a minute, that's my ticket! You didn't even want to go. ELAINE It was totally out of the blue. We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker. JERRY So, how did you get up there? Did you say you had to use the bathroom? ELAINE No. JERRY Then how'd you get up there? ELAINE I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?" GEORGE And there's you ticket. ELAINE What? JERRY That's why you're going to the Super Bowl. ELAINE Why? JERRY You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend. ELAINE You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown? JERRY Obviously. ELAINE You're crazy. GEORGE Well, what happened when you got upstairs? ELAINE As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker. JERRY Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp. Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door. Kramer walks out of his apartment. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. What are you doing? KRAMER I'm watching your door. JERRY My door? KRAMER Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all. Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment. Newman sneaks out from the bedroom towards the table where the Risk board is sitting. He accidentally knocks some CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise. JERRY What was that? KRAMER Newman! Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time to change the board pieces. NEWMAN Damn! JERRY The bedroom! Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing out the open window and up the fire escape. Jerry and Kramer rush to the window. JERRY I see you, Newman! I see you! KRAMER I'm taking the Congo as a penalty! Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab. ELAINE I've got a confession to make. TIM Oh? What's that? ELAINE I've got Super Bowl fever. TIM Oh yeah, me too. ELAINE So where are we staying? TIM Oh, the Ambassador. ELAINE Oh. Big room? TIM It's a regular room, but it's right downtown. ELAINE Downtown? TIM Right downtown. ELAINE What do they have there, a couple of beds? TIM Why? You bringing someone else? ELAINE No, but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us. Tim's grin disappears. George enters Bonnie's apartment. BONNIE Oh, a cactus. GEORGE They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom. They share a laugh. Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard box. He places it on a stack of similar boxes. SCOTT Well, look who's here. BONNIE I asked Scott to move out. GEORGE Oh. Oh! George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman are seated at the Risk board on the living room table. JERRY So she kicked him out of the apartment. GEORGE That's right. It's just me and her. JERRY Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you. GEORGE I guess she did. He's gone, now I'm the man. JERRY That's not a good role for you. GEORGE No, it's not. JERRY You unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure. GEORGE Oh my god. JERRY You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried. GEORGE I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load. JERRY He was shouldering. GEORGE I couldn't leave well enough alone?! JERRY Where are you going? GEORGE I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping. JERRY Oh, well here. Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again. GEORGE Thanks. KRAMER Yeah. I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it. JERRY So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman? NEWMAN Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him. JERRY Thanks for having me over, guys. Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running up. JERRY Alright, I'll see you later. TIM Hey Jerry? JERRY Ah, Tim Whatley. Out scalping? TIM Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back. JERRY Are you serious, what about Elaine? TIM Oh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would. JERRY Oh. (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your car!! KRAMER What?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're towing my car!! Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk board, but only for a moment. He runs back in and grabs the board. NEWMAN What are you doing? KRAMER I'm taking the board with me. Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later. Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver is just taking off. Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing the game board with Newman at his heels. TIM So, I guess I'll see you at the game. JERRY Yeah, see you there. George walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up and Bonnie is taping up the last of the boxes. He knocks to get her attention. BONNIE Hi, George. GEORGE What, what happened? Where's, where's all the stuff? BONNIE It's gone. It was all his. Is this a label maker? GEORGE The table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet? BONNIE They were his. Besides, we don't need any of those things. We have each other. Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on their laps. NEWMAN Are you sure you know where the impound yard is? KRAMER Oh, stop stalling. Come on. NEWMAN I can't think, there's all this noise. KRAMER Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation. NEWMAN I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine. This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian immigrant. KRAMER Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine. UKRAINIAN I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak. KRAMER Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal. UKRAINIAN Ukraine is game to you?! Howbout I take your little board and smash it!! The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending army pieces flying. Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the door. ELAINE Hello, Tim. TIM Elaine, hi. ELAINE Don't worry, Tim. I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker. I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back. TIM But you gave it to me. ELAINE But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley. TIM Uh, ok. ELAINE You don't have the label maker, do you? TIM Uh, no. ELAINE I knew it! You're a regifter! TIM Oh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't work at all. ELAINE What? TIM You put a label on something, then ten minutes later it would peel right off. It was the worst gift I ever got. ELAINE Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked on my filling, you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive. TIM Oh, Elaine! They embrace passionately. First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck. Boxes are being jostled. A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street address is shown. The labels fall off the box, one by one. First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium. Jerry is walking down the aisle. JERRY H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman. NEWMAN Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it, he's in love. Isn't that wonderful? JERRY Oh, it's enchanting. George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch the game. BONNIE Hi. GEORGE Here's the TV. I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Do you at least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour game. BONNIE George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes. I'll get the towels. GEORGE How am I gonna get out of this? Think Costanza, think! BONNIE Here we are. GEORGE Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea. BONNIE What is it? GEORGE Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's M�nage � Trois? BONNIE What? Just then, Scott enters. SCOTT Hi. BONNIE Scott! Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into it. SCOTT Oh really?! Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up of an increasingly horrified George, and freezes. Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl. NEWMAN Great streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket. JERRY Can you move over at all?! NEWMAN And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable. JERRY An inch! Can you move over an inch?!? THE END

THE PUFFY SHIRT

THE PUFFY SHIRT Written by Larry David (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house) GEORGE I can't believe this! JERRY Oh, it won't be for that long. GEORGE How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that. JERRY Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. GEORGE How can you compare you parents to my parents?! JERRY My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! GEORGE My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! JERRY My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water. GEORGE (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!' JERRY A smirk? GEORGE Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! JERRY I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. GEORGE No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship. (Kramer stumbles in) KRAMER Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents? GEORGE I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank. KRAMER Well, move in here. JERRY (Stopping the notion) What's that? KRAMER Why doesn't he just move in here? GEORGE (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet! KRAMER You can move in with me, if you want. GEORGE (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out. (Scene ends) (The Costanza's house) (Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases) ESTELLE Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted! KRAMER Hello, Mrs. Costanza. ESTELLE Hello, Kramer. Close the door. (They set down George's luggage) KRAMER Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door) ESTELLE More stuff?! KRAMER Yeah. (Exits) ESTELLE (To George) How much is there?! GEORGE (Annoyed) There's more. ESTELLE So, how are ya, Jerry? JERRY Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.. ESTELLE (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested. JERRY No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys- ESTELLE (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna sandwiches. GEORGE Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore! ESTELLE What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich. JERRY No thanks. (Kramer enters with some more suitcases) ESTELLE Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? KRAMER Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door) ESTELLE I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men. JERRY I really don't eat it. ESTELLE What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building? JERRY I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.. KRAMER (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else? GEORGE (Muttering) No, that's it. (A horn honks from outside the house) KRAMER Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves) JERRY Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door) GEORGE (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Wha - what are you doing later? JERRY Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?' GEORGE Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya? ESTELLE No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father. GEORGE (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later. JERRY Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves) (George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's staring off into space) GEORGE Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands) (Scene ends) (A Restaurant) (Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing) ELAINE Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs) JERRY Right. ELIANE You remember that? KRAMER Yeah, well, that was a good one. JERRY Well.. (Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what she's saying) ELAINE What's that? JERRY Excuse me? (She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats) JERRY Yeah.. yeah. ELAINE Yep. Yeah.. KRAMER You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer. ELAINE (Interested) Oh? KRAMER In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. ELAINE Oh, a puffy shirt. JERRY Puffy. KRAMER Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care.. (Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer) KRAMER (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes) ELAINE Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday. JERRY Yeah, that's right! ELAINE Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless.. JERRY (Points at Elaine) And the indigent. ELAINE And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. (Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice) JERRY Sure. ELAINE Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep. (Leslie talks some more) JERRY Uh-huh. ELAINE Yep. JERRY Yep.. ELAINE Mmm (Scene ends) (A Restaurant) ESTELLE Maybe you should take a civil service test. GEORGE (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. FRANK Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? GEORGE Yes, I've seen a silver dollar. ELAINE Why don't you want to take a civil service test? GEORGE To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do? FRANK Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection? ESTELLE I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. GEORGE I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman? FRANK (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia. ESTELLE So what are you gonna do?! GEORGE I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet! FRANK I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. GEORGE (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God.. FRANK I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over. GEORGE (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air.. ESTELLE George, where are you going?! GEORGE (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do. (Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally runs into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor) GEORGE Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things) WOMAN Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag! GEORGE (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you.. WOMAN No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up) GEORGE It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So.. (George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand) WOMAN Hmm.. GEORGE What? WOMAN (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands. GEORGE What about them? WOMAN They're quite exquisite! GEORGE They are? WOMAN (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? GEORGE Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No') WOMAN (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see) JERRY (Shrugs) I - I don't get it. GEORGE Me neither! JERRY What is it? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY They're hands! GEORGE This woman just set me up for a job! JERRY (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands. GEORGE What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand) JERRY Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life. GEORGE This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman.. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks) JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs) GEORGE What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?! KRAMER What?! GEORGE You coulda damaged my hand! KRAMER (Laughing) But, it's only a toy! JERRY (Explaining) George has become a hand model. KRAMER A hand model? JERRY Yes. KRAMER (To George) Really? Let me look at them.. GEORGE (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out. Kramer studies them) KRAMER Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine. GEORGE (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going. JERRY Oven mitts? GEORGE (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door? KRAMER Yeah.. JERRY Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George) GEORGE Thank you very much. (Walks out) (Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail) KRAMER You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores.. JERRY Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what? KRAMER Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover) JERRY What are you talking about? KRAMER When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover) JERRY (Goes up to it) This? KRAMER Yes! JERRY I agreed to wear this?! KRAMER Yeah, yeah. JERRY But, when did I do that? KRAMER When we went to dinner the other night. JERRY What are you, crazy?! KRAMER What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? JERRY I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding! KRAMER There you go. JERRY Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! KRAMER Yes, yes! You said it! JERRY But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her! KRAMER (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you. JERRY I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous! KRAMER Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' them! JERRY They're making these?! KRAMER Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate! JERRY (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate! (Scene ends) (The Costanza house) (George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails) ESTELLE I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? FRANK (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to? ESTELLE (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people! FRANK You never mentioned them to me! GEORGE (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board. (Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure) ESTELLE I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white.. FRANK No! You never said milky white! ESTELLE (Getting angry) I said milky white! (A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents) GEORGE (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! (Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around) ESTELLE I'm sorry. GEORGE You're sorry?! ESTELLE (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful. GEORGE (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors) (Another moment passes as George primps his hands) ESTELLE Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie, would you like some Jell-O? FRANK (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?! ESTELLE (Yelling) George likes the bananas! FRANK (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side! (George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough) GEORGE Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. ESTELLE (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O? GEORGE (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off) (Scene ends) (A Today Show dressing room) (Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine. There's a knock at the door) KRAMER Yeah, come in. (A Today Show stagehand enters) STAGEHAND I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes. KRAMER Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! (Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment) KRAMER Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! JERRY (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this! KRAMER (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look. Aye! (A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine) KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit! KRAMER Great. (Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically) ELAINE (Between laughs) What is that?! KRAMER It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? ELAINE (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? JERRY (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her! ELAINE When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this? JERRY When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom. ELAINE I didn't hear anything. JERRY (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks! ELAINE (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show. KRAMER (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop? ELAINE (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo! JERRY (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak! ELAINE (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier! (A knock at the door, Jerry answers) STAGEHAND (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing? (Scene ends) (A photographer's studio) (George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall) MAN I've never seen hands like these before.. WOMAN They're so soft and milky white. PHOTOGRAPHER You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney. (The woman nods as the man looks off into space) MAN Ugh.. Ray. PHOTOGRAPHER He was it. GEORGE Who was he? PHOTOGRAPHER The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all. GEORGE (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him? (Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his question) MAN (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love.. (Long pause) GEORGE You mean, uh..? MAN Yes. he was not.. master of his domain. GEORGE (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..? MAN (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope you have a little more self-control. GEORGE (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest. (The man nods, unsure of what to say or do) PHOTOGRAPHER Ok, let's get to work. (Scene ends) (The Today Show) (Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there) BRYANT (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning. JERRY (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant. BRYANT (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on. JERRY (Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank you. (Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming with pride) BRYANT You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) all kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles) JERRY Yeah, it's a puffy shirt. THE END

THE GLASSES

THE GLASSES Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (nightclub) JERRY I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore. (Jerry's apartment) (Elaine and Jerry hang out the window) ELAINE Do you ever spit on anybody from here? JERRY No. You? ELAINE No. Do you ever think about it? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Me too. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Well I got it! JERRY You got me the air conditioner? KRAMER What do you think? JERRY Beautiful! ELAINE What air conditioner? KRAMER My buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off. JERRY Is it a good one? KRAMER Good one? It's the Commando 8. JERRY Commando 8? KRAMER 12.000 BTU's. ELAINE I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner. KRAMER Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning. ELAINE Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot. JERRY All right. KRAMER Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) KRAMER Yeah, rock on! (Kramer leaves the apartment) GEORGE I gotta get out of this city. JERRY So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? GEORGE I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses? ELAINE You don't have an old pair? GEORGE I broke 'em playing basketball. JERRY He was running from a bee. GEORGE Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these. ELAINE George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool? JERRY There's a lot of change down there. GEORGE When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner. JERRY We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed! (Kramer enters the apartment) GEORGE What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses? ELAINE Yeah, especially those frames. KRAMER You know you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off. GEORGE Yeah, come on. JERRY Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner. GEORGE Really? KRAMER Retail is for suckers. GEORGE Wow. What do I have to do? KRAMER You just gotta mention my name. GEORGE That's it? KRAMER That's it. (J & T Optical) (George tries on a pair of glasses) GEORGE What about these? ELAINE They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them. GEORGE It's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face. JERRY Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it! ELAINE Now those look good, they're very bold. GEORGE Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think? JERRY (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses:) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses. (A man with a dog enters the store) ELAINE Hi there, little doggy. (And to the owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog? DOG OWNER It's okay with me. ELAINE Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) ELAINE Aaah! DWAYNE Hey, you can't have that dog in here. (The man leaves the store taking his dog with him) JERRY Are you okay? Did he bite you? GEORGE Can you believe that guy? ELAINE I'm okay, it's just a nick. GEORGE He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) GEORGE You! Dog man! (George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again) ELAINE My leg looks pretty bad. JERRY Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room. ELAINE Okay. JERRY (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em? GEORGE Uuh, no. JERRY All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital. GEORGE (In a really strange way:) Good, good, do that. JERRY What's the matter? GEORGE Oh, no, nothing. JERRY What is it? GEORGE I can't tell you. ELAINE Jerry, can we go? JERRY Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me? GEORGE I can't tell you, don't ask. JERRY I'm asking! ELAINE Jerry, my leg. JERRY Yeah, yeah, take care. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) JERRY Come on, George, what is it? GEORGE I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey. JERRY What? GEORGE They were right outside! JERRY Amy and Jeffrey? GEORGE Yes! JERRY Are you sure? GEORGE Yes, positive. JERRY But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames. GEORGE I know! I was squinting. ELAINE Listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood. JERRY We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry) JERRY Thank you. Taxi! (Jerry and Elaine leave the store) (George tries on another pair of glasses) GEORGE (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these? DWAYNE Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame. GEORGE Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face. DWAYNE All right, you have a prescription? GEORGE Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) GEORGE Kramer... DWAYNE What? GEORGE Kramer... DWAYNE What about him? GEORGE You do know Kramer? DWAYNE Yes... GEORGE Well, I'm mentioning his name. DWAYNE Why? GEORGE Because... you know... DWAYNE No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these. (hospital) ELAINE Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible! JERRY Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department. ELAINE Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on! JERRY But he was squinting. ELAINE So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference. JERRY Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road! DOCTER Okay. ELAINE Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot? DOCTER Not shot, dog bite. ELAINE No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot? DOCTER Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang. (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry and Amy watch television) JERRY Now, look at this. Cable's out. AMY Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv. JERRY No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) JERRY I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday? AMY Yesterday? JERRY Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out. AMY I didn't do anything. JERRY Oh you must have done something. AMY No, nothing really. JERRY Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue? AMY Well, I did go out for a little while. JERRY Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) JERRY Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied. AMY You can't thrust anyone. JERRY No you can't. Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue? AMY What are you talking about? JERRY Look, my friend saw you. AMY Saw me? With who? JERRY You tell me. AMY There's nothing to tell. JERRY There isn't? AMY No. JERRY Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza? (Amy stands up and walks away) AMY I had a feeling this was to good to be true. JERRY Why? AMY I knew there had to be another side to you. JERRY No, no, there's no side! AMY There is a side, an ugly side. JERRY No, no, no ugly side. AMY Look, I think I'm gonna go. JERRY Why? AMY It's really hot in here. JERRY Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though? AMY Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner? JERRY It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY I was an idiot for listening to you! GEORGE Hey, I saw what I saw. JERRY Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side. GEORGE What side? JERRY A bad side, an ugly side. GEORGE Ooh, so what? JERRY So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve. GEORGE Why don't you just ask Jeffrey? JERRY Ah, he'd just deny it. GEORGE There must be some way to find out. JERRY Amy said nothing happened. GEORGE What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend! JERRY Yeah, but you're blind as a bat! GEORGE I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? I was spotting those raccoons. JERRY They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you. GEORGE Hey look, a dime. (George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime) GEORGE Mercury head. You mind? JERRY (Stunned:) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) JERRY Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago. ELAINE There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left. JERRY A little white dog? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball? ELAINE I'm afraid of dogs now. JERRY He's like a squirrel. ELAINE Well he frightened me. GEORGE Did you get the shot? ELAINE No. He said I didn't need a shot. GEORGE You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot? ELAINE What, you think I should have? (George indicates 'yes') JERRY You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog. ELAINE All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER The AC is on his way. GEORGE Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount. KRAMER What? GEORGE That's right, no discount! KRAMER Well did you mention my name? GEORGE Yes, I mentioned your name. KRAMER And? GEORGE Bubkis! KRAMER Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now. GEORGE All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple. JERRY Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball! KRAMER Little Snowball? He runs on batteries! (George takes a bite out of an union) ELAINE You know, George, that's an union. GEORGE Yes it is. (And he takes another bite) ELAINE He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness? GEORGE I saw them making out, you can believe it. JERRY I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on. KRAMER Look, all you gotta to is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it. JERRY Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time. KRAMER Right this way, mister Doody! GEORGE You'll see I'm right. (J & T Optical) KRAMER Hey, Dwayny. DWAYNE Oh hello Kramer. KRAMER What is going on here? DWAYNE What are you talking about? KRAMER I'm talking about the thirty percent discount. ELAINE Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here... GEORGE Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something. DWAYNE Who said anything about a discount. KRAMER Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy. DWAYNE For what? (Kramer pulls out a candy bar) KRAMER Remember this? DWAYNE What are you doing? KRAMER Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar? DWAYNE Put that away! KRAMER Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah! DWAYNE All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us. ELAINE Can I just have the name... DWAYNE Out! KRAMER We'll see you Dwayne. (Jerry's apartment) (George shows Jerry his glasses) JERRY I don't know what to tell you, Elton. ELAINE (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable! JERRY (To George:) Who picked these out? GEORGE I did! JERRY They're ladies' glasses! All you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta. GEORGE Well Elaine was supposed to help me. (Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming) ELAINE Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have! JERRY Hey, hey. ELAINE I'm sorry... sorry. (Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms) KRAMER Commando 8 has arrived! JERRY Take it to the window. KRAMER 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) KRAMER Installed! GEORGE That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything? KRAMER No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right? JERRY Just in time for Amy. GEORGE Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plead? ELAINE I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom! KRAMER Of what? JERRY Rabies. KRAMER Oh that's fatal, you don't want that! (Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again) ELAINE I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus! JERRY Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here? ELAINE I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry. KRAMER No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) KRAMER May I have one of those, madam? GEORGE Madame? What are you calling me madam for? KRAMER They're ladies' glasses. (Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside) KRAMER Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection. GEORGE He sold me ladies' glasses! ELAINE I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow. KRAMER She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) KRAMER She's foaming at the mouth! (hospital) ELAINE Is this gonna hurt? DOCTER Yes, very much. (Elaine gets the shot) (Jerry's apartment) ELAINE What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that? JERRY Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel. ELAINE Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse! JERRY He does look like a horse. ELAINE Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog! DOG OWNER Who are you calling stupid? JERRY Hey, shall we spit on him? ELAINE No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) KRAMER The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) KRAMER I think it got the dog! (New York Health Club's locker room) GEORGE Oh boy. BLIND MAN Excuse me, I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker? GEORGE Oh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the guy. BLIND MAN What guy? GEORGE The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) GEORGE Would you pick it up a little? BLIND MAN Where the hell are we going? GEORGE He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses. BLIND MAN I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose. GEORGE Is that really? (J & T Optical) (George has taken the blind man with him) GEORGE Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his? DWAYNE (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that. GEORGE And I'd like a discount. DWAYNE Why should I give you a discount. GEORGE Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames! BLIND MAN What's that about ladies' frames? (The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar) DOG OWNER I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog. GEORGE Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down. DOG OWNER Well I would love to talk with her. She lives on 81st Street, right? GEORGE No, that's Jerry. DOG OWNER Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you? GEORGE Yeah, 5A! DOG OWNER Thanks a lot! (in front of Jeffrey's apartment) AMY So what are we doing here? JERRY Oh, you'll find out. AMY I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously. JERRY Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) JERRY A lot of women find that attractive. AMY I find it annoying. JERRY Really? (Uncle Leo opens the door) UNCLE LEO Helloooo! JERRY Uncle Leo! UNCLE LEO Come on in. JERRY This is Amy. UNCLE LEO Hello Amy. JERRY Unlce Leo, what are you doing here? UNCLE LEO Jeffrey went out tonight. JERRY Ooh! Very convenient. UNCLE LEO I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends! JERRY Oh really? UNCLE LEO That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussings... JERRY Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me? UNCLE LEO Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em. JERRY Thank you. AMY What tickets? JERRY To the Paul Simon concert in the park! AMY We're going to the Paul Simon concert? JERRY That's right, lady! AMY Oh what a great surprise! JERRY I thought you'd like that. AMY Oooh, that's why you've been acting so mysteriously. JERRY Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason. UNCLE LEO Hear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard. AMY Why is that? UNCLE LEO He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets. JERRY Thank you. UNCLE LEO Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that he's very sorry and he hopes you'll forgive 'em. JERRY (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him! AMY What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here? JERRY Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time. UNCLE LEO What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good. JERRY Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza? (in front of J & T Optical) (George is walking with the blind man) GEORGE Wait, these really do pinch the nose. (George takes of his glasses) BLIND MAN Tough luck! Deal's a deal. GEORGE Oh my got it is them. (George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing a horse) (New York Health Club locker room) JERRY I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name. GEORGE Yeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses... (The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker) THE END

THE MONEY

THE MONEY Written by Peter Mehlman (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking. They're both looking very satisfied and smiling. KRAMER Well, that was alright, huh? EMILY Yeah. KRAMER Well, um, goodnight. EMILY Goodnight. snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't look comfortable with this. (Kramer's Apartment, Later) THE CLOCK READS 3 31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. Beside him, Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. One hand is on the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm runs across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at being awakened. KRAMER (quietly, to himself) Look at this. He picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind his head, only for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across his face. Kramer looks unhappy at the disturbance. (Kramer's Apartment, Later Still) THE CLOCK READS 5 11. A wide awake Kramer is right over to the edge of the bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries to carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his weight, he slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily rolls into the space vacated, continuing to sleep. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage. HELEN Jerry, we can only stay four days. JERRY Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it. Morty and Helen remove their coats. MORTY Helen, did you pack my travel gym? HELEN Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought a exercise device off the television. He does it every morning at four. MORTY Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob. JERRY Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire. Jerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents sit on the couch. HELEN Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something. Jerry reenters. JERRY Am I finally getting a baby brother? HELEN Jerry, be serious. MORTY How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac? JERRY What? The Cadillac I bought for you? MORTY It's too much car, Jerry. JERRY Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system? MORTY I don't think we even use it. JERRY Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it. HELEN We already sold it. JERRY Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it? MORTY Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now. HELEN Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead. JERRY (exasperated) Ugh. Jerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters. KRAMER (to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out. JERRY Kramer. KRAMER No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) Heyy! Seinfelds. HELEN Hi Kramer. MORTY Hiya Kramer. JERRY We're in the middle of a discussion here. KRAMER Oh yeah? What about? HELEN Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac. KRAMER What'd you get for it? MORTY Jack Klompus gave us six grand. Kramer whistles, impressed JERRY You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus? Morty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket. MORTY (trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the money. JERRY (getting worked up) I don't need the money. MORTY What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega. JERRY (animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?! HELEN Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all. Helen passes the clipping to Jerry. KRAMER Yeah, that def jam is a force. HELEN Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program. JERRY (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god. KRAMER Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave. Jerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back. (Fresh Roasted Coffee Store) Jerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his beans from the guy behind the counter. GEORGE Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please. The counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order. ELAINE So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work? GEORGE I'm going to the bathroom. George leaves. ELAINE Just, very interesting. JERRY Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating. The guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over. COUNTERPERSON Arabian mocha java? ELAINE (looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it. Elaine takes the bag and pays for it. JERRY That Arabian is strong coffee. ELAINE It's PLO blend. George rejoins the gang. ELAINE Ohh, I got your coffee. Elaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for his pocket. GEORGE Oh Oh, here, lemme uh... ELAINE (waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see you, okay? (begins to walk away) GEORGE Yeah. ELAINE Bye. GEORGE Mmm. Elaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when George stops him. GEORGE You see what just happened here? JERRY What? GEORGE She treated me to the Arabian mocha java. JERRY And you misinterpret this how? GEORGE She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me. JERRY I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee. GEORGE No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me. JERRY You're crazy. GEORGE (worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry. JERRY George. GEORGE (angry) Stickin' it! George walks off, pulling an angry face. (Monk's) Jerry and George sit in a booth. GEORGE So you're buying the car back for your parents? JERRY I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow. GEORGE Your parents'll never let you do it. JERRY They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again. GEORGE What kind of money you think your parents have? JERRY Excuse me? GEORGE I bet they have more money than mine. JERRY Come on, your parents have money. GEORGE You think? JERRY When did they ever spend any money? GEORGE Never. JERRY What are their living expenses? GEORGE Nothing. JERRY Where do they ever go on vacation? GEORGE Nowhere. Jerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George. GEORGE How much money d'you think they have? JERRY Few hundred grand? GEORGE (excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?! JERRY Course you may not see it for twenty years. GEORGE Twenty years? That long? JERRY Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day? GEORGE Fortunately, yes. JERRY How's your family history? GEORGE I have an aunt that died at seven. JERRY Really? GEORGE Aunt Baby. (Elaine's Office) Elaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets standing in for Peterman as president. Kramer enters. KRAMER Elaine. Uh, you got a moment? ELAINE Yeah, Kramer, come on in. KRAMER I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems. Kramer sits in front of Elaine's desk. ELAINE (unsure) Oh-kay. KRAMER (a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I don't want her in the bed any more. ELAINE Ah. KRAMER Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy legs. ELAINE (confused) Jimmy legs? Kramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration. KRAMER Jimmy leg. ELAINE (grasping the concept) Ohh. KRAMER So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh? ELAINE Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there? KRAMER Well, I'd say it nicely. ELAINE I don't think so. KRAMER Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing... ELAINE (interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship. KRAMER Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady. ELAINE (pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out. Kramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of the desk. He rises and begins to head for the door. ELAINE (impatient) Get out! (Jerry's Apartment) Morty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword, respectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase. JERRY So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's. MORTY You just heard about this today? JERRY (pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me. HELEN Who cancelled? JERRY Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine. (The Costanza Home, Queens) George and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen, eating a meal of spaghetti. GEORGE I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby. FRANK (looks up to heaven) She's deceased. GEORGE (glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young? FRANK (looks to Estelle) She had problems. (Estelle nods) Internal. GEORGE Is that common in our family? ESTELLE Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man. FRANK Also internal problems. ESTELLE It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling, and then one day, they're all gone. FRANK What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. (animated) She was sickly from the moment I met her! ESTELLE (shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie! GEORGE I guess you two are the lucky ones. FRANK So far. ESTELLE Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be? FRANK She'd never make it. George thinks a little and looks hopeful. (Monk's) Kramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry. EMILY So let me get this straight. You enjoy the lovemaking... KRAMER Shh, shh. EMILY (quieter) Well, do you? KRAMER Oh yeah, like strawberry pie. EMILY Okay, but you have a problem sharing a bed with me? KRAMER I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie. EMILY I don't know. KRAMER (pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway. EMILY You're not easy, Kramer. KRAMER I know. (Animation) On a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears from New York to Del Boca Vista. (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista) Jerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks. JACK So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit? JERRY I wanna buy back the Cadillac. JACK You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs hidden in the trunk? Jack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused. JACK I'm kidding. JERRY (reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it. Jerry puts is chequebook on the table JACK Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it. JERRY You bought it for six! JACK You're not me. JERRY (standing) How much d'you want for it? JACK The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars. Jerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face. JERRY Fourteen thousand. JACK Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, because Doris wants to go to Naples. Jerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not working properly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from 'The Pen') and offers it to Jerry. JACK Need a pen? Jerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to no avail. He looks to Jack, who's holding out his pen. JACK Still works. (Jerry's Apartment) Morty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in. KRAMER Hey, where's Jerry? HELEN He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City. KRAMER Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please. MORTY You know that number? KRAMER I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V... HELEN F. F, E, L , D. KRAMER ...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) Alright, you have a lucky day, too. Kramer rings off. HELEN He's not there? KRAMER No, they never heard of him. Kramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine kit. Morty and Helen exchange worried looks. (Restaurant) George, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy restaurant. ELAINE This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George. GEORGE (oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about. HELEN Where's Jerry? GEORGE Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java. George puts the gift in front of Elaine. ELAINE George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee. MORTY (surprised) President? ELAINE Yeah. Jerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder. GEORGE Hey look, he's back. JERRY I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City. HELEN Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered. JERRY (extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White. Helen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle enter the restaurant and are spotted by George. GEORGE Mom? Dad? ESTELLE Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds. Morty half-nods a greeting. GEORGE Wh..what're you doing here? FRANK We're having an upscale dinner. GEORGE What? ESTELLE Well, after talking to you, we realised we may not have much time left. FRANK So, we're blowing it all. George looks unhappy at this news. FRANK (holding out his tie) Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin. (Emily's Apartment) Once again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow. KRAMER That was alright. EMILY Yeah. They both lie still for a few seconds. KRAMER (abruptly) Well, I'll see you. Kramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave. (Jerry's Apartment) Morty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He is carrying the travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake Jerry, who is asleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside. (Kramer's Apartment/Hallway) Kramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can hear a thumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across at his door, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying to open it. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face. Outside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to Kramer's doorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys, they in turn pull at the doorknob. Inside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets over his head and lies quivering underneath. (Jerry's Apartment/Florida) Morty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and Jerry answers. JERRY Hello. A dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the line, using a cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida. JACK (shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, I had a little mishap with the car. The front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with the tail end pointed upwards. JACK I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here. Jerry tries not to give anything away to his parents. JERRY (quiet) Huh. Alright. Jerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom. HELEN Who was that? JERRY (extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go. Jerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced by Jerry's spiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room. MORTY That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget. HELEN I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry? MORTY I'd have to go back to work. HELEN Where would you work? MORTY Maybe I should talk to Elaine. (Elaine's Office) Elaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty. ELAINE Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here. MORTY What's not to understand? ELAINE Well, for one thing, you live in Florida. MORTY I'm very comfortable working outta the house. I have a phone, we have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself. ELAINE (looking around her desk) Where is your resume? MORTY I don't have it. I'll mail you one. ELAINE Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind? MORTY You sell clothes here, don't you? ELAINE Yeah. MORTY Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for thirty-eight years. In nineteen forty-nine... ELAINE (interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do. MORTY You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five. ELAINE Uhm... Peterman enters the office. PETERMAN (upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham. Peterman strides across the office to another door. ELAINE (stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back. Peterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him. Elaine, stands, her mouth agape in shock. MORTY Who's Mr Fancy? (Emily's Apartment) Kramer and Emily in bed again. KRAMER (hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night. EMILY Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I think I'd prefer it if you left. KRAMER (surprise) What? EMILY You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. (pause) And you scream in your sleep. KRAMER I do? Kramer looks intensely nervous. KRAMER (fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes. EMILY C'mon, it was probably the wind. KRAMER No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone. EMILY (adamant) Well, I do. (Animation) Another arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista. (Street, Del Boca Vista) A tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back to Del Boca Vista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length. Jack Klompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out of a cab. JACK What took you so long? JERRY I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened? The cab drives away. JACK This thing is a, is a behemoth. JERRY What did you do? JACK I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me. Jerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water containing a couple of catfish spills out over his feet. JERRY (exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents. JACK (shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car. JERRY My car? You drove it into the swamp! JACK It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too. JERRY (smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile. (The Costanza Home, Queens) Frank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from the front door. GEORGE (pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house? FRANK That's your mother's new car. GEORGE You bought that? FRANK It's a Coupe de Elegance. ESTELLE Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car. George looks like he's going to say something, but then the door to the kitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and pyjamas and carrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back. KRAMER Mornin'. Kramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch. KRAMER Oh, boy. GEORGE What the hell is going on here? KRAMER I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep. ESTELLE George, your mother and I, and Kramer (holds Kramer's hand) have been talking. GEORGE (dread) Oh god. KRAMER Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be. FRANK (claps his hands) You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that. GEORGE Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida again?! ESTELLE Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie? George looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same time. (Peterman's Office) Peterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until recently, Elaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and Elaine, who sits depressed at the end of the desk. PETERMAN So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary... Elaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy. PETERMAN ...and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done. ELAINE (hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options? PETERMAN I think not. Elaine puts a hand to her head and sighs. PETERMAN Now, down to business. (thoughtful) I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf. The employees take notes. ELAINE Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt. MORTY (shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that. ELAINE (tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans. MORTY What? PETERMAN (puzzled) Who are you? ELAINE Don't worry, I... MORTY Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman. ELAINE Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t... PETERMAN Elaine, did you hire this man? ELAINE (worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best. (Monk's) George and Elaine sit in a booth. ELAINE So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor. GEORGE (pointing out the positive) But happy. ELAINE Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but... Elaine gestures with her hand. GEORGE Obviously. ELAINE Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own. GEORGE No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet. ELAINE Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go. GEORGE What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money. ELAINE Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something... GEORGE (upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you could humour me. He humours me. ELAINE Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's. GEORGE You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck? ELAINE What? GEORGE You schedule a late meeting. ELAINE (puzzlement) Huh? What does that do? GEORGE These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. (animated) How did we get back onto you?! ELAINE (grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split. Elaine gets up and leaves. GEORGE (shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this! (The Costanza Home, Queens) Kramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank enters from the bathroom, drying his hands with a towel. KRAMER Hey Frank, you got two beds in here. FRANK That's right. That's me on the left. KRAMER So, you sleep in separate beds. FRANK Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. It was the only way I could get some rest. KRAMER (intrigued) Really? FRANK (confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks his elbow) jimmy arms. KRAMER You can get that in your arms? FRANK Like you wouldn't believe. (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista) A grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him. JACK Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all your phone calls. Why are you still here? JERRY Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So... JACK You are uh, thinking of staying here? JERRY Well... JACK (laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour! JERRY You didn't like that crack about the pen. JACK I did not. (The Costanza Home, Queens) George and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer does some washing up in the sink. GEORGE Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say... George is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes. He gives Kramer a look and continues. GEORGE (attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay. FRANK It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving tonight. Estelle and Frank smile at each other. GEORGE (crestfallen) But you said it was my call. ESTELLE We were just being nice. George looks crushed. ESTELLE (motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be alright here alone? KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight. GEORGE (animated) You're letting him have a woman over?! FRANK He's not family. It's different, psychologically. Kramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns to look at him. He gives George a little smile. (Peterman's Office) The employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's desk as he waxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing at his watch as Peterman speaks. PETERMAN And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks. MORTY Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh... ELAINE Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger. PETERMAN (smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny you should ask, Elaine. MORTY Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here? PETERMAN (looks at his watch) It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey... MORTY (standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finish with his story. Morty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt. PETERMAN Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes. MORTY Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise. PETERMAN (winks) Morty, you're out. MORTY (unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway. Morty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind. (Animation) An arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens to Del Boca Vista. (Street, Del Boca Vista) Frank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac. Something catches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep on the back seat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world coming to' look and throws up his hands as he walks away. After he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over. It's Jerry, sleeping in his parent's Cadillac. (The Costanza Home, Queens) Kramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits on Estelle's bed, reading a paperback. KRAMER I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzer's. EMILY (not looking up from her book) No-one held a gun to your head. KRAMER (dismissive) Yeah. EMILY (still reading) Don't forget, we're eating dinner at the Feinerman's tomorrow night. KRAMER (moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends. EMILY You like 'em. KRAMER I've had it with 'em. Kramer disappears into the bathroom. EMILY Then we won't go. Kramer reemerges with a glass of water. KRAMER (yielding) Okay, okay. What time? EMILY Eight thirty. Kramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches. KRAMER (satisfied) Ahh. That was alright. Emily smiles at him, then returns to her book. (Monk's) Jerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee, George eating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper. ELAINE 'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.' Elaine folds the paper and drops it on the table. JERRY Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options... ELAINE (downcast) Yeah. GEORGE (Jerry-style) That's a shame. ELAINE (sharp) What, are you sticking it to me? GEORGE (innocent) What? ELAINE I think you're sticking it to me. JERRY Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic. ELAINE (leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it! George doesn't meet Elaine's stare. JERRY You're not alone. I'm practically broke. ELAINE Really? JERRY No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac. George takes another forkful of what's on his plate. GEORGE (relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious. JERRY Well, you seem happy. GEORGE I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here! ELAINE So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac? JERRY Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet. ELAINE Hmm. (Florida) Morty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines. MORTY When are we gonna tell Jerry? HELEN I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell him next time we go up. MORTY He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that. It's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind the Cadillac. HELEN Besides, that condo was too much house. (The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista) Estelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers out of the window. ESTELLE How many times can you check the car? FRANK (coming away from the window) I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day. Frank sits in a chair. ESTELLE Why would someone break into a car to take a nap? FRANK They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there! ESTELLE (shouts) You're driving me crazy! FRANK (standing) That's it, we're going back to Queens. (claps hands) Where's my hat? Frank walks out of the room. ESTELLE (shouts) Nooh! THE END

THE JIMMY

THE JIMMY Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting dressed) GEORGE That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again? JERRY Jimmy GEORGE Jimmy, right. JERRY I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot. GEORGE Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya. KRAMER Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay with me. They (?) Jerry. Now this is gonna plague me.( Puts on aftershave and cries out) OH! Mother!!! Jimmy walks in GEORGE HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great game. JIMMY OH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good. GEORGE Hey you know, I felt we had like a synergy out there, you know, like we were really helping each other. KRAMER What d'you got there? JIMMY These? KRAMER Yeah JIMMY These are Jimmy's training shoes. GEORGE Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger. JIMMY Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these. Jimmy was like you (looks at G.) KRAMER They're Plyometric. GEORGE Plyometric? KRAMER Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow....or die. GEORGE (to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em? JIMMY Jimmy sells'em. GEORGE You sell them? JIMMY Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now. Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a bit. GEORGE Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in. JIMMY All right GEORGE All right Jimmy Good talking to ya. JIMMY Jimmy'll see you around. Jimmy leaves. GEORGE What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing. JERRY Why. You took a shower? GEORGE Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take. Ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again, I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump! KRAMER You should take cold showers. GEORGE Cold showers? They're for psychotics. Kramer Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh. GEORGE All right, I'll see you guys later. JERRY Aw right. KRAMER So, you're heading home? JERRY No...Got dental appointment. KRAMER Ah! what.. Tim Whatley? JERRY Yeah! KRAMER Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday. JERRY Oh! How d'you like that? KRAMER You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist. JERRY I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery. KRAMER Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength. Kramer leaves. Jerry is speechless. SCENE TWO Meeting at Yankee Stadium. WILHEM I called this meeting because we......have........a problem. For the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from the club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases, batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big one. The camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps pulling on his collar he's sweating. WILHEM They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to believe it's an inside job. GEORGE (still puffing)Whoa!! WILHEM If anybody here knows anything about it I recommend strongly that...you come forward. Wilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding something. Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office. RECEPTIONIST Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready. JERRY All right. Jerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table and discovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read. Scene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone. ELAINE Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay. ..goodbye. ELAINE (to Jerry) Hey ! You want to go see The Velvet Fog. JERRY The Velvet fog? ELAINE Yeah! Mel Torm�, That's his nickname. JERRY What the hell his a velvet fog. ELAINE Do you wanna go or not? JERRY Well , where is it?. ELAINE He's performing at this AMCA benefit. JERRY AMCA? ELAINE Able Mentally Challenged Adults JERRY Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song. ELAINE What are you..crazy? JERRY They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing. ELAINE Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club.? JERRY I don't think so. ELAINE Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those... JERRY (interrupting) Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces. ELAINE You can't find beauty in a man? JERRY No... I find them repugnant and unappealing. Kramer bursts in KRAMER Hey! JERRY (pointing Kramer) To wit KRAMER What? JERRY No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive. KRAMER Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will. JERRY Really! KRAMER Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and.... ELAINE He's smart.... KRAMER No, no I don't find him all that bright. KRAMER So you got any cavities? JERRY Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table. ELAINE Penthouse? JERRY Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment. KRAMER So what's wrong with that? JERRY (outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment. KRAMER So... Did you take a look? JERRY Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it. KRAMER Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early. George comes in. Kramer walks out. GEORGE Hey ELAINE Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's just really handsome?.. GEORGE (head down low) I...I wouldn't know ELAINE You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual. GEORGE It doesn't help ELAINE All right, I'm gone GEORGE I'll see you. GEORGE (to Jerry) You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together. JERRY What are you doing that for, you got a job GEORGE There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method JERRY Yeah! What's that. GEORGE He jumps! JERRY Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich. GEORGE Will you stop with the Jimmies Kramer takes something out of the fridge KRAMER Hey! What's this? JERRY Kom Pau(sp? Kramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy it his KRAMER (gasp_)......Kom Pau........ Elaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond guy's attention. ELAINE (We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him. Hank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to try to find out where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy. JIMMY You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you. ELAINE Aaaaaahhh! He is?! JIMMY Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're just Jimmy's type. ELAINE AAaaaaahhh! Really?(giggles) JIMMY Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't really know anyone. ELAINE Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him. JIMMY Jimmy would like to get to know you. ELAINE Ha.... Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair. WHATLEY Hey! Kramer KRAMER Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim. WHATLEY Yeah Well....I do what I can. How've you been. KRAMER Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of your....hem reading material. WHATLEY So what'ill it be? Novocaine? KRAMER Oh yes, yes indeed. WHATLEY Why don't we just clear a path first. KRAMER yeah, yeah, lets do that. WHATLEY You remember Mr. Thirsty. KRAMER All right euhhm..... Whatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions sounds are heard. Scene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying the vertical lift shoes. JERRY Ahh! You too with these? KRAMER (still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) Yeah H'amon board. JERRY So what did Tim say? KRAMER Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles. JERRY Looks like he gave you some Novocaine KRAMER Ohhh H'am loaded. JERRY So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him? KRAMER Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax JERRY Adults only? KRAMER Yeah!!! JERRY What the hell's going on over there? KRAMER Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language. JERRY You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist. KRAMER He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly. Kramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to have it spill out on to the floor JERRY Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you. KRAMER Well.. Aye can't hold the water. Jimmy comes in dribbling. JIMMY Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready. KRAMER Hey Jimmy GEORGE Ha..harrr. JIMMY Jimmy's got some new moves. KRAMER Go Jimmy JIMMY 'Check Jimmy out Jimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back JIMMY Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN. Scene cuts then comes back with paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher. Paramedic (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction. JIMMY Jimmy might have a compound fracture.. Jimmy's going into shock!! GEORGE (angrily)WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DROOL! KRAMER HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! JERRY Why are you taking this so personally? George BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!! KRAMER (cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY. JIMMY ( as he gets taken out) JIM....JIMMY WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER... JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO...... KRAMER BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. Kramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift shoes. He's trying to hail a cab. KRAMER HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!! An elderly gentleman is after the same taxi. KRAMER Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to the driver) He's got it. The man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the slurred speech. Deensfrei (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it KRAMER No,No...You were here first. Deensfrei No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one. KRAMER Lets share.. we share....Awight Deensfrei Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea. Kramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab DEANSFREI My name is Arnold Deensfrei. What is your name? KRAMER Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you Deensfrei Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home? KRAMER (like rainman)Yeah! heading home. Deensfrei Good for you.....You are really independant. KRAMER Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself In a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is putting on the shoes. GEORGE Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah! George tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of inches off the ground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave. Scene cuts to Jerry's apartment. KRAMER (whose voice has returned to normal)THE VELVET FOG!!!! JERRY What about the Velvet Fog ? ELAINE (as she comes in) What about the Velvet Fog? KRAMER Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table. ELAINE I'm going to that! KRAMER I'm a guest of honor. ELAINE What are you talking about? KRAMER Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..Deensfrei. ELAINE Yeah, yeah! Arnold Deensfrei, he runs the AMCA KRAMER Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner. ELAINE I know that but why are you going? KRAMER Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do. ELAINE What you do!!. You don't do anything. KRAMER Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Torm� Kramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table. ELAINE (pointing at the shoes) What are those? KRAMER Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes. JERRY Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab? KRAMER Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y. JERRY Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling. Kramer. What!!! ELAINE He thinks you're mentally challenged. JERRY Well...........you know..... ELAINE Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.? JERRY Not necessarily because..... Scene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting in the chair. WHATLEY Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please? Whatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry. JERRY Oh! where's Jennifer today? WHATLEY OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office. We find it fun to swap now and then. Cuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating Kam Pau chicken. GEORGE Whhhoooo!!!!(taps on his desk loudly) Phone rings. GEORGE Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear. Wilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone. He seems suspicious. GEORGE .....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back. WILHELM So George. Have you heard anything about the missing equipment? GEORGE No!...not...nothing. WILHELM George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar. GEORGE Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization. WILHELM Are you feeling all right George? GEORGE Hemmm!.. Fine! WILHELM You look a little warm. GEORGE ...It's the chicken WILHELM You're a terrible liar George. Look at you, you're a wreck!. you're sweating bullets. GEORGE It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy. Back in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up , his vision blurred. He sees Whatley and Sheryl getting dressed. Scene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking. ELAINE ....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas. JERRY I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!! ELAINE your shirt was out? JERRY I think so. ELAINE Well, what kind of shirt was it.? JERRY You know! Like a tennis shirt. ELAINE Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in? JERRY Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't ELAINE Well. Were you tucked? JERRY I think I was tucked.! ELAINE All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.? JERRY I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow. ELAINE Ughhhh JERRY Is this guy a dentist or Caligula? ELAINE What are you gettin'? JERRY I don't think I'm hungry: ELAINE Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single. JERRY But I'm damaged goods now. ELAINE Join the club. JERRY Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.? ELAINE Oh yeah! Jimmy. JERRY Jimmy? ELAINE Ahum! JERRY That's the guy? ELAINE Yeah! JERRY Can't believe your going out with him... ELAINE Why? JERRY I dunno. He's so strange.' ELAINE How so? JERRY Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later. ELAINE No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number. JERRY That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks. ELAINE I'm going to go see Mel Torm� with him? JERRY Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.. George comes in and sits down with them.. GEORGE I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise. JERRY Why? GEORGE 'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau.. JERRY I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken, GEORGE George likes spicy chicken. JERRY What's that? GEORGE ....I like spicy chicken JERRY No no you said George likes spicy chicken. GEORGE No I didn't ELAINE Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken.. JERRY You're turning in to Jimmy. GEORGE George is getting upset.. Back at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches. JIMMY So what do you want to see Jimmy about? ELAINE Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy! JIMMY Huh uh... ELAINE About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding. JIMMY Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding. ELAINE Yeah. What happened was.... JIMMY Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash. ELAINE (suddenly intrigued) You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do. It's very unusual. JIMMY Well, Jimmy's very unusual. ELAINE Well anyway hum.... see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy...... JIMMY Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank. ELAINE Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through that again. Scene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit. KRAMER I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some? ELAINE Yeah! KRAMER What kind? ELAINE I don't care: Jimmy walks in ELAINE Hey Jimmy!! JIMMY I Elaine. ELAINE Elaine got a new dress. JIMMY Jimmy likes it. KRAMER There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy. JIMMY Well look who's here. KRAMER Whooo! JIMMY That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy. KRAMER What! JIMMY That's the guy who took the bread out of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out of work because of you.. Jimmy punches Kramer in the mouth. JIMMY Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting ensues and Jimmy gets taken out by hotel security) JIMMY JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!! KRAMER (Keamer's voice starts slurring again) Yeah! My lips swollen? Kramer sitting at the head table. KRAMER No No I've been living alone a long time now. MEL Well I think that's the tops. We cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office. GEORGE (knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner? STEIN Yes George, come in ,come in. You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment. GEORGE George would never do anything like that. STEIN 'No why would I. I own it. GEORGE Right! STEIN So what are you saying? GEORGE Why would George steal from the Yankees? STEIN 'He wouldn't. GEORGE 'course not STEIN Exactly..................(mumbles) I don't what the hell's going on here. GEORGE Sir? STEIN Nothing. GEORGE (energetically) Well seems it's about time for George's lunch. STEIN Yes it is. Well lets see what I have today. Darn it It's ham & Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake though. Hey look at this . you know I got a new system for eating these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own dessert............. Scene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit. MEL Ladies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate this song to a very courageous young man. (starts singing) When you're smiling, When you're smiling... The whole world smiles with you... When you're laughin', When you're laughin' The sun comes shining through But when you're crying, You bring on the rain So stop that sign. Be happy again Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu.. On the street Jerry and Kramer. KRAMER Hey! Got the new Penthouse JERRY Where's my Mr. Goodbar? KRAMER Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ......... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered) THE END

THE OLD MAN

THE OLD MAN Written by Larry Charles (Monk's) GEORGE Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like? JERRY Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over... GEORGE Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. JERRY Yeah, how about a mute? GEORGE A mute would be good. JERRY Ah, where you gonna meet a mute? GEORGE This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute. GEORGE I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void... JERRY A deep, yawning chasm... GEORGE There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure? JERRY Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure. ELAINE Hey boys! JERRY Hey! How you doin'? ELAINE Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow. GEORGE Start what? ELAINE I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens. GEORGE *Really*. ELAINE Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet. GEORGE Volunteer work, huh? JERRY What're you gonna do down there? ELAINE Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good. JERRY That's what I do with him (points at George) GEORGE When did you get this idea? ELAINE Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English. JERRY What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me? GEORGE And... and anybody can do this? ELAINE Yup. GEORGE Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit! ELAINE (To Jerry) What about you? JERRY Nah, it's not for me. ELAINE Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you. GEORGE What *kind* of a person are you? JERRY I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful. AGENCY REP This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding. GEORGE Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person. AGENCY REP Good luck. JERRY Thank you. GEORGE Hey, what's your guy's name again? JERRY Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy? GEORGE Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age? JERRY *We*? No. KRAMER So what's up, Diggity Dog? JERRY George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing. KRAMER Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you. JERRY What're you talkin' about? KRAMER Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you! JERRY What? KRAMER It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*. JERRY Where do you *get* this? KRAMER The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth. NEWMAN Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!? KRAMER I'm in here. C'mon... JERRY Hello, *Newman*... NEWMAN Jerry, George. (To Kramer) So, did you ask him about the records? KRAMER Well-- JERRY What records? KRAMER Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records. NEWMAN You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records! KRAMER Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old- fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around-- KRAMER Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge. GEORGE Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman? NEWMAN I'm a United States postal worker. GEORGE Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? NEWMAN Sometimes... JERRY Why *is* that? NEWMAN Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!! RON I'll give you five bucks. KRAMER Five bucks??? NEWMAN Well, you know how much those records are worth!? RON Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars. NEWMAN Those records are worth more than five dollars! KRAMER (In Newman's ear) He's gyppin' us... NEWMAN You're gyppin' us! RON Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on... KRAMER Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following. NEWMAN They follow him like a cult. KRAMER He can't even walk down the street in South America... RON Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad. KRAMER (In Newman's ear) I don't like it... NEWMAN I don't like it. RON Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money. KRAMER (In Newman's ear) Alright, well be back, jack. NEWMAN Alright, well be back... *jack*! JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. HOUSEKEEPER Agency? JERRY Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence? HOUSEKEEPER Sid Fields. SID What the *Hell* is it? JERRY Mr. Fields? SID What!?! JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. SID Agency? What agency? The *CIA*? JERRY No, no, the-- SID Who let you in here? JERRY The woman, she-- SID Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house... JERRY Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you. SID Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? (Jerry gets out card) JERRY No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm-- SID I can't read that you fool... JERRY What's all this stuff? SID Trash. Garbage. JERRY You're throwin' this out?? SID I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot. JERRY You don't want any of this? SID Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*. JERRY You know I have some friends who would really like to have these. SID Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family. JERRY Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee... SID With you? I'd rather be dead. JERRY Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out. SID Good. Thank God. Good riddance. (pause) Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!! BEN No, I feel great for 85. GEORGE Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there. BEN I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it. GEORGE You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane... BEN I'm grateful for every moment I have. GEORGE Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake... BEN I guess I just don't care. GEORGE What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?! GEORGE Wait a second, where are you going? BEN Life's too short to waste on you. GEORGE Wait a minute, please-- BEN Get out of my way... GEORGE But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup... ELAINE Mrs. Oliver? MRS. O Yes my dear. ELAINE Ooh! MRS. O What's the trouble? Are you alright? ELAINE Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. MRS. O It's my goiter, isn't it? ELAINE Did you say goiter? What goiter? MRS. O This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck. ELAINE Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know... MRS. O Does it bother you? ELAINE Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. (pause) Really. (END Act I) JERRY C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter... ELAINE I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send YOU OVER THERE "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information. JERRY They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter. ELAINE Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask. JERRY Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to. ELAINE Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy? GEORGE I don't think it's gonna work out... JERRY Whattya mean? GEORGE He fired me. JERRY He fired you?!? ELAINE *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job? GEORGE I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me! JERRY Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy. ELAINE I wish I could quit... JERRY So quit! GEORGE Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up. KRAMER Well, here's your *albums* (Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...) JERRY What happened? NEWMAN Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars. KRAMER Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store. NEWMAN That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. JERRY Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*... KRAMER Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America! JERRY Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was Jolson, Benny Goodman... KRAMER Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out?? JERRY Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah. Kramer Okay... NEWMAN (In Kramer's ear) The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold! KRAMER Yeah... JERRY But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all. KRAMER Yeah, but you've gotta come with us. JERRY Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal (and, ala Carson) Wild, Wild, Stuff... GEORGE Senegal? GEORGE So you don't speak *any* English at all? HOUSEKEEPER English? No. SID Hey, what are those bums doin' back there? JERRY Well you said they could come and take the records. SID It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage. GEORGE You don't speak *any* English? HOUSEKEEPER No English. GEORGE I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. (No reaction) You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English! JERRY So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is-- SID Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here. KRAMER Now calm down, Mr. Fields... SID Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little... KRAMER Oooow! He's biting me! SID My teeth! My teeth! JERRY Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth! GEORGE I thought I saw something fly over here... JERRY Well turn the light on... JERRY That's the garbage disposal! SID My teeth! You idiots!!! MRS. O And we would take long automobile trips-- ELAINE Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun... MRS. O Staring out the window-- ELAINE Uh huh... MRS. O You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and-- ELAINE Well, that'll get you goin' right there... MRS. O Big, roaming cows-- ELAINE Cows, well that's fascinating... MRS. O That's when I began my affair with Mohandas. ELAINE What? MRS. O Mohandas. ELAINE Ghandhi? MRS. O Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*-- ELAINE You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... (shows Elaine a picture of the two together) ELAINE Oh, my God... The Mohatma? RON Twenty bucks. NEWMAN Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind? RON Well, take it or leave it. NEWMAN Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!! RON Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh... KRAMER (In Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap... NEWMAN You are nothing but a piece of crap. RON Pardon me? KRAMER (In Newman's ear) A piece of crap... NEWMAN A piece of crap. KRAMER (In Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly... NEWMAN I find you extremely ugly. RON *Do* you? KRAMER (In Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odour... NEWMAN You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. RON Oh, is that right? KRAMER (In Newman's ear) I *loathe* you... NEWMAN I *loathe* you. RON That's it. Get out of my store! KRAMER (In Newman's ear) Make us. NEWMAN Make us! RON Oh, I'll make you! AGENCY REP Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation. JERRY Yes, but-- JERRY (Into intercom) Yes? TIM It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son. JERRY Alright, c'mon up. JERRY (To Rep) I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist. AGENCY REP Why were you taking him to the dentist? JERRY Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal-- AGENCY REP What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal? JERRY Well, after he bit my friend-- AGENCY REP Bit your friend?! TIM What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?! JERRY I, I'm sorry. TIM And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!? JERRY Well, I brought them up there to take his records-- TIM Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is? KRAMER Hey. JERRY There you are. Did you find him? KRAMER No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight. NEWMAN It was a real melee. KRAMER Yeah, a real brouhaha... Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head. THE END

THE VAN BUREN BOYS

THE VAN BUREN BOYS Written by Darin Henry (A Restaurant) ELLEN So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live. JERRY So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good! ELLEN (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date. JERRY I know.. How about dessert? ELLEN I suppose I have to get a piece of cake.. JERRY Why? ELLEN Today's my birthday. JERRY What? Today? Really? ELLEN Yeah. (Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen isn't celebrating with her friends) (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday? JERRY Yeah. And she picked the day! GEORGE Is she socially awkward? JERRY No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun.. GEORGE Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. JERRY She's not Lincoln. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? JERRY I'll pass. KRAMER Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum! GEORGE Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship. JERRY Does it ever bother you that this organization- GEORGE Nope! JERRY is beating the bushes- GEORGE Nope! (Starts heading for the door) JERRY to basically give this money away- GEORGE Noo! JERRY to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you? GEORGE (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves) Susan Ross Foundation conference room) STUDENT 1 And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored) GEORGE Quick, what's your favorite animal? STUDENT 1 I.. I don't know.. frog? GEORGE (Disappointed) A frog? STUDENT 1 Well, I.. I.. GEORGE (Annoyed) Frog is wrong. (Cut to another student's interview) GEORGE (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble. STUDENT 2 Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years- GEORGE (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know. (Cut to another student interview) GEORGE (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0. STUDENT 3 (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you? (Cut to another student interview) GEORGE so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club. STEVEN State champs. GEORGE Who's your favorite chess player? STEVEN (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff? GEORGE Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again? STEVEN (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing. GEORGE (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up? STEVEN I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.. (George is suddenly interested) Jerry's apartment) ELAINE So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it. JERRY Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it. (Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE Hey! KRAMER Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys! JERRY The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? KRAMER Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop. ELAINE What? What happened? KRAMER Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers. JERRY Well, what does that mean? KRAMER That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy! Outside a coffee shop) ELLEN (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) Oh, Melissa! Kim! MELISSA Ellen. ELLEN Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone) MELISSA Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out. KIM Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this. JERRY (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up? KIM (Casually) No. MELISSA See ya! (They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry) JERRY Any messages? ELLEN Yeah, no one called. Coffee shop) JERRY They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her. GEORGE So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off) JERRY There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group. GEORGE Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? JERRY No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can! GEORGE (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship. JERRY Yeah? GEORGE I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V.. JERRY Is he smart? GEORGE (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture. JERRY Hey! Just like you pretend to be. GEORGE Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry. JERRY I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me! J. Peterman's apartment) ELAINE Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality) PETERMAN Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner) ELAINE Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances? PETERMAN Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life. ELAINE Oh. PETERMAN (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them. ELAINE Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um.. PETERMAN (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS.. ELAINE get, um, started.. PETERMAN 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel? ELAINE (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here. PETERMAN well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's? ELAINE You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys? PETERMAN (Interested) You don't say. ELAINE Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign. PETERMAN Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book. ELAINE But, that didn't happen to you. PETERMAN So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman. ELAINE No, I - I really don't think you can do that. PETERMAN (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box) ELAINE You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend. Coffee shop) (Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find out what is wrong with her) JERRY Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? ELLEN No, this is brand new. Do you like it? JERRY Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?! ELLEN (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one. JERRY I guess that's all right. ELLEN Is something wrong, Jerry? JERRY No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys! GEORGE Hey. JERRY (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen. (Kramer gives a look) Susan Ross Foundation conference room) GEORGE Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind. WYCK George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic. GEORGE I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.. WYCK These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades. GEORGE Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect. WYCK Is that right? STEVEN Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher. GEORGE (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect. STEVEN I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city? WYCK Well, that's a good point. GEORGE (Mutters) No, it's not. STEVEN Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members) GEORGE (Irritated) It's called a T-square. WYCK You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, young man. (Shakes Steven's hand) STEVEN Thank you. WYCK Susan would be proud of what you're doing. STEVEN Thank you. Peterman's office) (Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman) KRAMER And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired. PETERMAN (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check) KRAMER You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue) ELAINE No, uh, Kramer. I don't think - PETERMAN (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot? KRAMER My whole lot? PETERMAN Name your price, man! KRAMER (Thinks) 1500 dollars. PETERMAN I'll give you half that. KRAMER (Excited) Done! PETERMAN Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal. KRAMER Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune) Elaine's office) (Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's practicing putting golf balls on her office floor) ELAINE Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?! KRAMER Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store. ELAINE What happened to Bob Saccamano? KRAMER Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. ELAINE Alright, well, now that's something.. KRAMER Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew.. ELAINE (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?! KRAMER No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return. ELAINE (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning? KRAMER Well, I guess I was.. ELAINE (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back? KRAMER Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story.. ELAINE Alright, I think I got enough for one day. KRAMER Yeah, yeah, chew on that. ELAINE (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that. KRAMER Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn.. ELAINE Oh, thanks. I've got plans. KRAMER Elaine, you should be there to document it. ELAINE (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes? KRAMER Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up. (Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.') Jerry's apartment) JERRY So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner? GEORGE I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him. JERRY You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend. GEORGE You're spending the weekend with Ellen? JERRY (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this? GEORGE (To Kramer) You want to start? KRAMER (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together. GEORGE Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough. JERRY What?! KRAMER (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target) JERRY Where is this coming from? She's great! GEORGE (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up. JERRY There's nothing wrong with my career! KRAMER (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him. GEORGE I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now! KRAMER Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider. GEORGE Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time! KRAMER Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated. JERRY (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this! KRAMER All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you! JERRY You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different! KRAMER Which one? JERRY They were all like that! NYC Street) (George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren) STEVEN Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza? GEORGE Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George) STEVEN These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys. MEMBER 1 He became so disillusioned, he had to join us. GEORGE Oh.. nice. STEVEN I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner. GEORGE What about architect, Steven? MEMBER 1 (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner. Cafe) (Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through it) FRIEND 1 Great party, K-man! KRAMER Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce! ELAINE (Sourly) I'll make a note of it. FRIEND 1 Hey, Kramer, KRAMER Yeah? FRIEND 1 Ramirez has never heard your pants story. KRAMER Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him) ELAINE You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman. KRAMER What do ya mean? ELAINE You signed the release. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE He sat in mud. Not you. KRAMER But I did sit in mud. ELAINE (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud! KRAMER (Pleading) I was all dirty! ELAINE It ever happened! Understand? (Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story) KRAMER (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! (The crowd is disappointed) FRIEND 1 It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave) KRAMER What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave) (Enter George) KRAMER (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys. KRAMER Hey, now, they're tough cookies. GEORGE Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do? KRAMER Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily) GEORGE (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?! KRAMER Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind. GEORGE You mean, like, a former member? (Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer) Jerry's apartment) ELAINE These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment! JERRY Is my toaster oven on there? ELAINE How am I ever gonna turn this into a book? JERRY Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer. ELAINE Yes! I'm a writer. JERRY Make them interesting. ELAINE Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing! (Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!') JERRY Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents. ELAINE What? Wheren't they just here? JERRY Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her. ELAINE Maybe we could all have dinner later? JERRY I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted) JERRY Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this! KRAMER Damn! JERRY What? KRAMER Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink! ELAINE How much did you pay for them? KRAMER Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!") Peterman's office) ELAINE Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter? PETERMAN Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn. ELAINE Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers! PETERMAN It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing. ELAINE Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants? PETERMAN (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps) SECRETARY I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4. PETERMAN (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here. KRAMER Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back! PETERMAN You want to know something? I no longer need them! ELAINE No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference? PETERMAN Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond! KRAMER Yippie-yi-yay! PETERMAN (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix. NYC Street) (George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again) GEORGE Hey, Van B. Boys. STEVEN So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? GEORGE Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own. MEMBER 2 Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign? GEORGE Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures) STEVEN That's not the sign. GEORGE (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging! MEMBER 2 All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by. GEORGE Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain) Coffee shop) ELLEN And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne. MORTY Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris. ELLEN (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse) JERRY (To his parents) So? What do you think? HELEN Jerry, she's fantastic. JERRY I knew it! I'm not crazy. HELEN She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her! MORTY And smart! Like a computer! HELEN And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her? JERRY (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure. HELEN Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. JERRY yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas.. NYC Alley) MEMBER 2 The next one, or you're meat! GEORGE Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds! MORTY Hey, George! GEORGE Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later. MORTY How're your folks? GEORGE Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street! MORTY What did you say? GEORGE Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal! HELEN You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. GEORGE (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off) MORTY Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave) (The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street, screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him) THE END

THE OPERA

THE OPERA Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't 'do you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'. INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT JERRY (answering machine) leave a message and I'll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY ENTERS KRAMER ENTERS KRAMER So, what do you think? JERRY About what? KRAMER About the opera. JERRY Nah, I don't wanna go. KRAMER You gotta go. JERRY I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it! KRAMER Jerry, you don't understand, that's the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian. JERRY All right, all right. KRAMER That's the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It's the language Jerry, the language JERRY So why don't they talk like that now? KRAMER Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired. BUZZER KRAMER Better get that JERRY Yeah? ELAINE (intercom) it's me! JERRY Come on up. KRAMER So, huh? JERRY I don't know KRAMER Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you. JERRY Well it's very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get. KRAMER Oh, well I have many associates. JERRY I don't know, opera, it's not my kind of thing. KRAMER All right, you not gonna go I'm not gonna go, I'm gonna call the whole thing off. JERRY No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for? KRAMER You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana! JERRY Well I guess if I'm the Miana I should go. All right, all right. ELAINE ENTERS ELAINE Hi! JERRY Hi! KRAMER Hey! Hi Elaine! ELAINE You got the tickets right? KRAMER Well no, I don't have them on me. ELAINE What? That's why I came all the way over here. KRAMER My friends got 'em, I'm going to pick them up tomorrow. ELAINE Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right? KRAMER Oh yeah! JERRY So I finally get to meet your pal Joey. ELAINE Its killing you isn't it? JERRY Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the opera ELAINE Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who's interested in something other than nick at night. Now he's got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted. JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT Opera music playing (Paliachi?) Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered on the floor. JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY Well I'm looking forward to meeting him. ELAINE I've got to go JERRY Where are you going, what's the rush? ELAINE I'm going to surprise Joey, I've never been to his apartment so I'm just going to 'pop in' JERRY Oh, good, men love that! Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp. JERRY Hey! KRAMER You've got a message buddy. JERRY Ooo, could be from that blonde KRAMER Oo yiggity diggigg JOE DIVOLA (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue' JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind.... KRAMER Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself, JERRY What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!? KRAMER OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think! JERRY I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing, I'm calling the cops. KRAMER The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to do anything! JERRY What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh! KRAMER Yiddigtkk ka kibosh. JERRY I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC. KRAMER Call him and tell him JERRY That's what I'll do, I'll just call him and tell him, I'll tell him. That's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll understand. Right? KRAMER Right.... Don't mention my name JERRY Oh, I got the machine. KRAMER What's his message like? JERRY Nice! KRAMER Eh! JERRY (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there's been a huge colossal misunderstanding, KRAMER Big! Big! JERRY and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye. JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters. ELAINE Joey? Joey? She sees a wall covered in photos of her. Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door. ELAINE Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me! JOE DIVOLA Good. Fear is our most primal emotion. ELAINE You left your door open. JOE DIVOLA I know, I like to encourage intruders. ELAINE (laughs) What's all this? JOE DIVOLA Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you. ELAINE Where did you get all these pictures? JOE DIVOLA I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering. ELAINE Showering? JOE DIVOLA I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see? ELAINE In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right? JOE DIVOLA Why ELAINE Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself? JOE DIVOLA Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? ELAINE That's a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well. JOE DIVOLA What are you doing here? ELAINE Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze. JOE DIVOLA Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it. ELAINE Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going. JOE DIVOLA Really? ELAINE Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I'm just gonna get the uh.. Divola is blocking the door with his head. JOE DIVOLA You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda? ELAINE Uh.. I'm Elaine! JOE DIVOLA He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him. ELAINE Oh. JOE DIVOLA Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda? ELAINE Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it's bad to be a clown, if it's bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing. JOE DIVOLA You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name. ELAINE Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I'm gonna... get out of here. Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave. JOE DIVOLA Pagliacci kills his wife. ELAINE Se, now that's terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown JOE DIVOLA You're not leaving Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY (on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that's not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what's the difference, I'm a comedian of the United States, and I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye. Knock at door. JERRY (cautiously) Who is it? GEORGE It's George. George enters wearing a very small tuxedo. GEORGE What, are you locking the door now? JERRY Well, well, look at you. It's a little skimpy there isn't it? GEORGE Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding. JERRY Ooo, that was a bad toast. GEORGE It wasn't that bad. JERRY I never heard anybody curse in a toast. GEORGE I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit. JERRY There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts. GEORGE Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know. JERRY What do you mean not going? why not? GEORGE I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket. JERRY Why doesn't she pay for hers? GEORGE That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for? JERRY It's nice to get a reach. Loud thump is heard from the front door. JERRY Who is it? KRAMER It's me! Kramer is on the floor KRAMER What, are you locking the door now? JERRY Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed? KRAMER I am dressed. JERRY You're going like this? KRAMER Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something. JERRY I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera! KRAMER People do, I don't. JERRY Well what about me! If you're going like that, I'm not going like this. GEORGE Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I'm comfortable here. I can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can't go like this alone! JERRY Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours? GEORGE That's not the issue, we're friends, if I've got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too! JERRY All right, all right, I'll wear this. It's bad enough I've got to go to the opera I've got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here. Kramer is playing opera music JERRY Would you turn that down! What is that crap! KRAMER It's Pagliacci! JERRY Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets. KRAMER Why? What happened? JERRY Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either. KRAMER That's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket. GEORGE What? Really? KRAMER Yeah. GEORGE People are looking for tickets here? KRAMER What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up! GEORGE Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera. JERRY Oh yeah right. KRAMER OK come on, let's go get the tickets. GEORGE All right, all right. JERRY All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre. GEORGE Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal? KRAMER Oh yeah! Kramer and George leave. INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up. END OF ACT 1 OUTSIDE THE THEATRE. Jerry and Elaine are waiting. JERRY You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca? ELAINE Cherry Binaca, it's new. JERRY See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular! ELAINE It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person. JERRY Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable. Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing. JERRY Hey, hey, what are you doing, that's my quarter. MAN#! No it's not, it's mine. JERRY I was just flipping it, it's mine. MAN#! No, I dropped it, it's mine. JERRY All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours. MAN#! Well it is mine. JERRY What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care about money. Jerry tears up the dollar. MAN#! You think I care about money, that's how much I care about money, I don't care about money. JERRY Oh yeah, well why don't you Just get lost. MAN#! Why don't you get lost. JERRY Because I was standing here, that's why. MAN#! Oh Yeah? JERRY Yeah! The man walks away. JERRY I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem? IN THE PARK Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park. PARK GUY#1 Hey clown! PARK GUY#2 hey clown! PARK GUY#1 Make us laugh, clown! PARK GUY#2 Nice face, clown! PARK GUY#2 Make me laugh, clown! Divola kicks them all to the ground. ALLEYWAY Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets. KRAMER I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right. MAN#2 Hey, hey. Are you selling. KRAMER Oh yeah, I'm selling. MAN#2 Where are they? KRAMER Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven. MAN#2 What do you want for them. KRAMER All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce. MAN#2 I'll give you five hundred for the pair. GEORGE Ok, it's a deal! KRAMER Pzzzt. No. GEORGE No? Are you crazy? KRAMER Look, let me handle this. GEORGE Five hundred dollars, that's a great deal! KRAMER You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon. The man walks away GEORGE Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit. KRAMER Look, I know what I'm doing here George. GEORGE This is not a Metallica concert, it's an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it. KRAMER Oh, yeah. GEORGE Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I'll stand over here. KRAMER I know where I'm standing. GEORGE Alright. KRAMER Hey! GEORGE (shouting) Get your Paliachi! OUTSIDE THEATRE JERRY Where are they already? ELAINE I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets. JERRY Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can't believe it! That's the guy who threw George out of the wedding. ELAINE Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast! JERRY Do you remember the curse toast? ELAINE Oh yeah, the curse toast. JERRY So, can you believe that message? Now I've got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. ELAINE Me too JERRY Crazy Joe Divola ELAINE How do you know his name? JERRY What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name? ELAINE I never told you his name. JERRY I never told you his name. ELAINE Wait a second, who are we talking about here? JERRY Joe Divola. ELAINE Right, Joe Divola JERRY How do you know his name? ELAINE I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name. They click JERRY Oh my god, its Joe Divola ELAINE Is he stalking you? are you kidding me? JERRY That madman is trying to kill me. ELAINE Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!! JERRY Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me! ELAINE Oooohh, what about me! Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit. JOE DIVOLA Excuse me ELAINE&JERRY Aaahhhhh!! ALLEYWAY George still hasn't sold the ticket. GEORGE But this is Pavarotti! MAN#3 Three hundred dollars, that's a lot of money. Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley MR REICHMAN You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it. GEORGE All right, I'll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let's stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I've got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here. MR REICHMAN Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me. GEORGE Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking. MR REICHMAN Costanza!? GEORGE Mr Reichman? MR REICHMAN You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets. MRS REICHMAN Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant! OUTSIDE THE THEATRE JOE DIVOLA Anything is welcome, I accept change. JERRY I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy. JOE DIVOLA You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person. JERRY I'm telling you, the guy took..... JOE DIVOLA And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by. Mrs Reichman runs past MRS REICHMAN Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere! JOE DIVOLA What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it? ELAINE I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out. JOE DIVOLA You people make me sick. JERRY That is one angry clown! COMEDY CLUB JERRY The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!" END OF ACT 2 JERRY (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it! ELAINE You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons. JERRY Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I'm serious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it. JOE DIVOLA I don't want any money. ELAINE I smell cherry. JOE DIVOLA It's Binaca. JERRY Binaca? They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy Joe. They run away. ALLEYWAY George is finalizing the deal. GEORGE What did we say? Two seventy-five? MAN#3 Two fifty. GEORGE Two fifty? Are you sure MAN#3 Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. GEORGE All right, all right, two fifty. SUSAN George! GEORGE S-Susan SUSAN I can't believe it, I'm so glad I caught you. GEORGE What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport. SUSAN Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia. GEORGE So what, they don't have another plane? She couldn't take a bus? SUSAN She's coming in tomorrow. I made it! GEORGE Yeah you made it, how about that. SUSAN Oh, I'm so excited, now we get to see the opera together. George gives the man the ticket and takes the money. GEORGE We get to go to the opera together! SUSAN Who's that? GEORGE That's-that's-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what. ENTRANCE TO THEATER. JERRY Come on, you gotta let us in USHER Not without tickets. JERRY We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us. USHER Well that's a problem. Excuse me. JERRY You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us. USHER A crazy clown is after you? Oh that's rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through. Kramer slides in. JERRY&ELAINE We're with him, we're with him. KRAMER Are you guys ready? JERRY&ELAINE Yeah, Yeah!! KRAMER Have you seen George? JERRY We thought he was with you. ELAINE Come on, he's on his own, come on! SITTING IN THE THEATER KRAMER These are great seats huh? ELAINE Yeah KRAMER Yeah JERRY Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone. ELAINE Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing? JERRY She's playing, Pagliacci's wife, Nedda. ELAINE Nedda? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Oh my god.. Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat. MAN#3 Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Susan comes in from the other side. JERRY Susan! What are you doing here? SUSAN My Friend's flight couldn't make it. JERRY Where's George? MAN#3 I got his ticket. SUSAN He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable. JERRY Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket? MAN#3 One seventy-five. JERRY Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to? KRAMER Some nut in a clown suit! The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very frightened. (Comedy club) JERRY I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that's more you're thing. THE END

THE LITTLE JERRY

THE LITTLE JERRY Written by Jennifer Crittenden (Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.) JERRY So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came. ELAINE I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait? JERRY Five minutes. ELAINE Five minutes? That's it? JERRY What's the difference? You never showed up. ELAINE I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes. JERRY Well, we barely knew the guy. ELAINE So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em. JERRY That's the way it works. ELAINE When did you tell George to be here? JERRY I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been? ELAINE About five. JERRY That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.) GEORGE Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold. Commercial break. New scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop. KRAMER So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega. JERRY How did you know about that? KRAMER Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks. JERRY He can't do that. KRAMER It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself. (George enters and sits down.) GEORGE Fantastic day! Fantastic! JERRY What happened? GEORGE Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose. JERRY Fantastic. GEORGE Then, I'm at The Foundation... JERRY You're still doing that? GEORGE Sometimes, once in a while. JERRY When you feel guilty. GEORGE No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out. KRAMER That's caged heat. GEORGE Yeah-hah! JERRY What are you gonna do there? GEORGE Nothing really, you know...just stroll around the cell blocks, maybe take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus? JERRY Yes, I know, I know. GEORGE I noticed you chose the "clowns with balloons" check design. JERRY It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones. (Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.) ELAINE Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer. KRAMER Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs. KURT Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh. KRAMER Yes! These are sweatshop eggs. (Kramer gets up to leave by climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor, then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked in his collar.) KURT I gotta call the office. Honey, would you order for me? ELAINE I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh? JERRY Is he from the future? ELAINE No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy. GEORGE Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts. ELAINE What? Clinging to some scraps? GEORGE These are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once great society of hair. ELAINE Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check! JERRY Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino. MARCELINO People seem to like the clowns. JERRY Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble. MARCELINO 'Kay. JERRY Aren't you going to take the check down? MARCELINO Sorry, no. It's store policy. JERRY But it's your bodega. MARCELINO Even I am not above the policy. (Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.) New scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden." BETSY Those are our tennis courts. GEORGE Tennis courts? What about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights? BETSY There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility. GEORGE Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"? BETSY No. GEORGE This prison stinks. BETSY And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian. CELIA Nice to meet you. BETSY I'll be in my office if you need me. GEORGE Thanks, Warden. BETSY Betsy. GEORGE Betsy. CELIA So, are you the head of the foundation? GEORGE Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So uh, you two shop at the same store? CELIA No, it's standard issue. GEORGE Oh my God...you're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool! New scene in Jerry's apartment later that day. JERRY You asked her out? GEORGE Well...not "out." She's in prison. JERRY How could you ask her out? GEORGE Why not? JERRY I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge! GEORGE That was different! JERRY I'll say. GEORGE Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear of the pop-in? JERRY The pop-in. GEORGE Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well... JERRY Conjugal visit? GEORGE Don't jinx it! (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. What's up? JERRY George is dating a convict. KRAMER Oh? What's she in for? GEORGE Embezzlement. KRAMER Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full. JERRY Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you? KRAMER Well, not here. (Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag of chicken feed.) JERRY Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that? KRAMER Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.) JERRY I sense something is afoot. KRAMER Yeah, I bought a chicken. (Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.) GEORGE Allow me. Why? KRAMER Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs. (George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.) JERRY Allow me. What are you, an idiot? New scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a delivery guy for some food. KURT Hold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.) ELAINE Hey, driver's licence. Oh...my God. KURT What? ELAINE Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was. KURT Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it. ELAINE Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? With you under it? (Kurt shrugs.) New scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing. Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed. Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm. JERRY Is that your "chicken" making all that noise? KRAMER Oh, Jerry loves the morning. JERRY Who? KRAMER Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you. JERRY Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken. KRAMER Of course it is. I picked it out myself. JERRY Well, you picked out a rooster. KRAMER Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production. (Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...) New scene - George visiting Celia at the prison. CELIA This was fun. GEORGE Yeah. I had a great time. GUARD Five minutes, Mr. Costanza. GEORGE The whole hour just flew by. (Begins cleaning up the table.) GUARD I'll get that. GEORGE Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days. CELIA Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you. GEORGE Of course you will. You're the best. New scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings. JERRY Hello? HELEN Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems? JERRY I'm not having money problems. HELEN Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising. MORTY He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone! JERRY I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine! (George enters.) HELEN That's it. I'm going to send you fifty dollars. JERRY You are NOT sending me fifty dollars! HELEN We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope. JERRY I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry! MORTY I don't see envelopes! HELEN They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) JERRY Ma! Ma! MA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) GEORGE How're the folks? JERRY Good. GEORGE So? Movie tonight? JERRY I thought you were going out with Celia. GEORGE I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated! JERRY Having her in jail. GEORGE The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now. JERRY Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it. (Elaine enters.) ELAINE Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's licence to Jerry.) Take a look at that. JERRY Huh. Kurt's an organ donor. ELAINE No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair. (George overhears and stands up, concerned.) JERRY So he just shaves his head for no reason? GEORGE That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it! ELAINE And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. JERRY It's just hair. ELAINE It's not just hair! Look! (Shows Kurt's licence to Jerry again.) JERRY It's brown. ELAINE It's chestnut with auburn highlights! JERRY So? ELAINE You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is. (They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and struggling to keep his composure.) I'm sorry, George, but it's true. GEORGE I knew it. New scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on a leash. He goes into Marcelino's. MARCELINO Hey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his name? KRAMER Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld. MARCELINO Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs) KRAMER Look, can't you take Jerry's check down? MARCELINO Sorry Kramer, can't help you. (A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little Jerry get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.') MARCELINO I like the way he handles himself. (Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns him around the right way.) New scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment. ELAINE Oh, it's coming in already! Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh... KURT What? ELAINE Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here. KURT What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.) ELAINE Well, I don't know...how long have you been shaving your head for? KURT About three years. ELAINE Huh. KURT Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald! New scene - George and Celia in the prison library. CELIA George! I'm so glad to see you! GEORGE Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice. CELIA Good news - I'm up for parole. GEORGE Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite! New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. JERRY So Marcelino's going to take down the check? KRAMER Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight. JERRY Great! (realizing) What? KRAMER Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store. JERRY Ah ha... KRAMER So, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down. JERRY Kramer, cockfighting is illegal. KRAMER Only in The United States. JERRY It's inhumane! KRAMER No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is. JERRY It's two roosters peckin' at each other! KRAMER What? JERRY Yeah! KRAMER Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators." JERRY No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt. KRAMER Well, I left him with Marcelino! (Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.) KRAMER My Little Jerry! (Runs out.) Commercial break. Continuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. JERRY Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.? KRAMER Well, he's more than O.K., he won! JERRY You let him fight? KRAMER I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds. JERRY How long do they usually last? KRAMER Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today. JERRY Great! (George walks in.) KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Celia's up for parole. KRAMER Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight. GEORGE What? KRAMER Who? (They both look at Jerry.) JERRY I'm too tired. KRAMER O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry. JERRY Alright. (Kramer leaves.) GEORGE It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out. JERRY Ah, I'm so sorry. GEORGE She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking... JERRY In other words, a normal relationship. GEORGE And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go. JERRY Well, she'll still be an ex-con. GEORGE It's not the same. JERRY Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something. New scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop. ELAINE Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out? KURT I don't care. ELAINE You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt. KURT Yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich. ELAINE You already ate? KURT It's from yesterday. New scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega. MARCELINO Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night. JERRY Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal! MARCELINO Now we have a new deal. JERRY New deal? MARCELINO When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours. JERRY This is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit. MARCELINO 85 cents. JERRY 85 cents? That is outrageous! New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. JERRY Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld. KRAMER Well, that's out of the question. JERRY But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity. KRAMER Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight! JERRY No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it! KRAMER You know, I think you're jealous. JERRY Of what? KRAMER Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was! JERRY Kramer, give me that rooster! KRAMER Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.) New scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison. BETSY George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in her getting paroled. GEORGE Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very...crafty. BETSY Does she have any plans after she's released? GEORGE Plans. Schemes. She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends - "the gang," as she likes to call them, you know. Yeah, they're hatching something, you can count on that. New scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door. MARCELINO Jerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's my rooster? JERRY Kramer won't sell. MARCELINO Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway. JERRY Well, thank you, Marcelino. MARCELINO Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event. JERRY You want Little Jerry to take a dive? MARCELINO Shhh, not so loud. JERRY First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive. MARCELINO Can, too! JERRY Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave. MARCELINO Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry. JERRY We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win! KRAMER O.K.! New scene - Kurt at George's apartment. KURT Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to. GEORGE Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this. KURT Oh, God. GEORGE No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now. KURT Happy? Why should I be happy? GEORGE You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore. KURT Who will I be? (George points at himself. Kurt shudders.) KURT How long do I have? GEORGE 14 months. Maybe 10. KURT Is there anything I can do? GEORGE Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me. (George answers the door. Celia enters.) GEORGE Celia? What are you doing here? CELIA Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out. GEORGE And you just decided to pop in...! New scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment. ELAINE Kurt! KURT Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me? (Elaine is shocked.) New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry for his cockfight. KRAMER Oh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry? JERRY Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that? KRAMER I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry. JERRY Hey, Kramer...? (Kramer looks at Jerry.) JERRY Be careful. (George enters.) Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds! GEORGE Is that good? JERRY I don't know. Where have you been? GEORGE Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door! JERRY Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in! GEORGE Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime - JERRY George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.) Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment. ELAINE Hey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time... KURT Plus, you want to get to know me. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, that too. KURT Well, how much time? ELAINE I don't know...a year? KURT No, no, no...it has to be now. ELAINE Could I see the ring again? New scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back of Marcelino's store. JERRY So, you're actually considering it? ELAINE Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times. JERRY Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change. ELAINE Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to? (George comes over.) GEORGE Hey, sorry I'm late. JERRY Where's Celia? GEORGE She didn't want to come, she's not really into sports. (Kramer comes over with Little Jerry.) JERRY Hey, how's he doin'? KRAMER He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents. JERRY Fifty dollars. I don't believe this! KRAMER There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.) JERRY Look at the size of his bird! KRAMER That looks like a dog with a glove on his head. New scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers. KURT Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life. CELIA No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet. KURT Ah, damn. (Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.) DETECTIVE #1 Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here. CELIA Aw, man! DETECTIVE #2 Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive. KURT I'm not George Costanza. DETECTIVE #2 Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.) Cut back to the cockfight. ELAINE Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0! JERRY He's a ringer! GEORGE Where's the tamale guy? (The bell rings, and the cockfight begins.) KRAMER Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there. (A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now happens in slow-motion.) KRAMER Little Jerry! JERRY Kramer! ELAINE Stop the fight! GEORGE Tamale! (Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming from inside the ring.) Commercial break. New scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the glass. ELAINE Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent! KURT They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I slugged him. ELAINE So, how long are you gonna be in here for? KURT Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10? ELAINE So, 10 to 14 months. KURT Yeah. (Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops it in the tray and leaves.) THE END

THE SUICIDE

THE SUICIDE Written by Tom Leopold (Comedy club) The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself. (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life? ELAINE Na. JERRY What are you doing? We're going out for dinner in ten minutes. ELAINE Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days? (buzzer) JERRY Yeah. GEORGE It's George. JERRY Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that? ELAINE I don't know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers? JERRY I think I'll take out the garbage. ELAINE Hey, have you ever fasted? JERRY Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage � meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya'? Throw out my garbage for me. GEORGE Yeah, right. JERRY Come on, it's just down the hall. GEORGE Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks. JERRY I'll give you 50 cents. GEORGE There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars. JERRY Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drake's coffee cake GEORGE You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday. JERRY I don't get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven? GEORGE It's an incredible deal. I don't know why you don't come with me. JERRY Nah, I don't go for these non-refundable deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm not going to commit to an airline. (Gina enters the hall) GINA Hi. JERRY Hi. GINA How are you? JERRY Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee Cake is? GINA Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. JERRY How much do they cost? GINA The junior? GEORGE No, no the full size. JERRY No, no the junior. GEORGE You didn't say "junior". GINA I haven't had one of those since I was a little girl. JERRY Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya' doing? MARTIN Good enough. (MARTIN leaves with Gina) JERRY Boy she's sexy isn't she? (Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry's apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.) JERRY Do you believe that guy? ELAINE What guy? JERRY My neighbour: ELAINE Oh, that creepy guy? JERRY Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her? GEORGE He didn't seem too pleased. ELAINE Maybe I'll get a steak with french fried onion wings. GEORGE hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing. JERRY What's so amazing? You've seen him before. GEORGE I haven't seen him for months. JERRY What was the dream? GEORGE I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off. JERRY I think I've played there. GEORGE I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me. JERRY You're a little paranormal ELAINE Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic. GEORGE Really? ELAINE Uh uh, you should go some time. GEORGE I'd love to go. Make an appointment. JERRY Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job? GEORGE I just got fired. JERRY Alright, come on, lets get out of here. ELAINE I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast. JERRY I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. ELAINE Really? JERRY Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits. (They exit) (Jerry's apartment late at night there is knocking at the door) JERRY Who is it? Who is it? GINA It's Gina. JERRY Who? GINA Martine's girl friend. JERRY Martine? GINA You next door neighbour. JERRY Oh, Martin! (Jerry opens door) GEORGE It's Martine. I think he's dying. He tried to kill himself with pills. JERRY What? GINA Come on. JERRY In my pajamas? I better get my robe. GINA We don't have enough time. JERRY It'll take two seconds. GINA There is no time. JERRY We don't have two seconds? GINA All right. Go ahead. JERRY Nah, forget it. GINA No, go ahead. JERRY Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas. GINA Will you just get it. JERRY Are you sure? GINA Forget it. Come on. JERRY Nah, I'll go get the robe. (Metropolitan Hospital Center) JERRY That's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. GINA You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore. JERRY Really? It's over? GINA I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man's hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy. JERRY Oh boy, did he say anything about me? GINA He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake's Coffee Cake. JERRY He said that? GINA He was screaming about it all night. How it's too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. JERRY I'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly. GINA I wasn't. JERRY You weren't? GINA No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me? JERRY Of course. GINA Tell me everything. JERRY Are you sure he can't hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN. GINA I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him. JERRY I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they're going to look at a thing like this. GINA I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead. JERRY No, I just wanted to see what time it was. GINA Are you afraid of him? JERRY No. GINA Then kiss me. JERRY Here? GINA Yes, right here. JERRY Is this the proper venue? GINA You don't want to? JERRY No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to. GINA Then kiss me right in front of him. JERRY I can't. What if he wakes up? GINA A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? JERRY A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going like this ... you don't want to mess with it. (Jerry's apartment) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Did you hear about Martin? JERRY Yeah, I heard. KRAMER I can't believe he's in a coma. KRAMER He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do? JERRY Who told you about Martin? KRAMER Newman! He's good friends with him. Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed. KRAMER He's got all of my attachments, you know. JERRY Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? KRAMER What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian? JERRY You know I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? KRAMER So what's going on between you and Gina? JERRY Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. KRAMER Uh, uh. JERRY So we're in the room and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. KRAMER Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do? JERRY Nothing. KRAMER Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? JERRY I didn't know what the coma etiquette was. KRAMER There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it. JERRY So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. KRAMER I'd give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it in 24 hours, it's a land rush. JERRY So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he's thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there's nothing left? KRAMER NOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody's going to grab it. (The psychic's apartment) RULA Martin's spirit came to you as a warning. ELAINE Why would he come to George? RULA Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE. GEORGE I knew it. I always felt different. RULA You are. Some coffee cake? GEORGE Drakes? RULA Yes. GEORGE Did you buy this for me? RULA No, why? GEORGE Ha, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake. RULA Maybe I did. ELAINE Take it away. GEORGE She hasn't eaten in two days. RULA Who's Pauline? GEORGE Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline. RULA Do you think about her? GEORGE When I hear her name mentioned. RULA Cut these with your left hand. GEORGE There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose. RULA I see an Audrey, but with a small nose. GEORGE Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again? RULA Not in this life. ELAINE Should you be smoking? RULA Does it bother you? ELAINE You're pregnant. GEORGE Elaine. RULA I smoked when I had Faisy. RULA Ah oh. GEORGE Ah oh? What? What Ah oh? RULA I don't know about this trip George. GEORGE You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What? ELAINE It's really bad for the fetus. Do you know that. GEORGE Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how the kid's going to be. GEORGE Should I not go on this trip? RULA George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me. ELAINE Now listen. I just don't know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. GEORGE Elaine, what are you doing? ELAINE It's disgusting. RULA I DON'T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave. ELAINE Oh fine, I don't like to be around people who are just so irresponsible. RULA Get the hell out. (Elaine leaving) GEORGE A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus? RULA Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando. GEORGE If you don't say anything I will assume it's a plane crash. RULA Get out. GEORGE Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash? (Jerry's apartment) GINA I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles. JERRY You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. GINA It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse? JERRY No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie. GINA Who are these Stooges you speak of? JERRY They're a comedy team. GINA Tell me about them. Everything. JERRY Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. GINA You will show me The Stooges? JERRY I will show you The Stooges. GINA When? JERRY Well, I don't really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know. GINA Come, you walk me to a cab. JERRY Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here. GINA You're still afraid. You are not a man. JERRY Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet? GINA Are you going to walk me to a cab or not? JERRY Yeah, all right. All right. (Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman) KRAMER You should just eat fruit. NEWMAN I can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent. KRAMER ??? NEWMAN Hello Gina. Hello Jerry. JERRY Hello Newman. (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway) JERRY Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me. GEORGE People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn't hurt me. ELAINE (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move? JERRY Boy, it's a good thing we came. GEORGE Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest. ELAINE Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray. NURSE We'll call you. JERRY George, I want you to promise me something. If I'm ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. GEORGE How come? JERRY Looters. ELAINE How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? JERRY She's really hungry. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. ELAINE Kramer KRAMER Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin. GEORGE Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket? KRAMER You're not going? GEORGE No. KRAMER Why not? GEORGE The psychic said something terrible will happen. KRAMER I dig. (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin's room) KRAMER I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she's going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she's going to kill me. W He can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't you just buy another one. KRAMER Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one? W I have a carpet sweeper you can use. KRAMER I don't want a carpet sweeper. They don't do anything. W It gets my rug clean. KRAMER The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. W Well, you should take a look at my rug then. KRAMER I wouldn't set foot in your house. (Jerry enters) JERRY Hello. NEWMAN Hello Jerry. JERRY How's he doing? KRAMER He looks happy to me. NEWMAN I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up. JERRY Why wouldn't he? NEWMAN No reason. JERRY He'll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess. NEWMAN I'll bring him up to date. JERRY How up to date? NEWMAN Oh, all the way up. JERRY And nothing could change your mind? NEWMAN Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn. KRAMER Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He's not going. NEWMAN I don't care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,.. JERRY Drake's Coffee Cake NEWMAN Wow, where did you get that? JERRY From my house. I got a whole box of them. NEWMAN Boy, that's the full size. JERRY That's your big boy. NEWMAN Can I have a bite? JERRY I don't give out bites. I got another one. But I'm saving it for later. NEWMAN Just one bite? JERRY I don't think so. You know they, they're so fragile. NEWMAN All right! All right. I won't say anything. JERRY You swear? NEWMAN I swear. JERRY On your mother's life? NEWMAN On my mother's life. KRAMER oh oh oh oh oh NEWMAN Oooh, (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway) ELAINE And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. (George sees the Psychic's girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic's room)) GEORGE ...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart RULA pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing) GEORGE how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal. RULA The nurse said she would be right back. They're supposed to take me into the delivery room. GEORGE Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off .. RULA Oh, where's the nurse GEORGE I don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don't you get a nurse for mommy? ... Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. RULA Don't take that trip. GEORGE Yeah, why? Why? RULA (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit. (Doctor enters) DX All right, Rula, it's time to go. GEORGE Because? Because? (Elaine enters Martins room) ELAINE Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee Cake? ... Give me that. NEWMAN Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell. JERRY Elaine! No! No! MARTIN Ooooh, ahhhh, (In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth) GEORGE Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus? (Martin's room � Martin grabbing Jerry � Elaine eating the Drake's Coffee Cake) NEWMAN He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you. KRAMER I want my vacuum cleaner! JERRY Hey! NEWMAN It was disgusting. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY What are you doing? We're going out to dinner in ten minutes. GEORGE I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting. JERRY What did she name the kid? GEORGE You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Heey! GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. GEORGE when did you get back? KRAMER A couple of hours ago. GEORGE So how was it? KRAMER George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. JERRY osh. KRAMER They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool. JERRY Woah. (hitting George) KRAMER Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there. JERRY Wow! (hitting George) KRAMER I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson JERRY Oh! (hitting George) KRAMER We played Backgammon in the nude. JERRY Oh! (hitting George) KRAMER She's a sweet kid. JERRY Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! KRAMER Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. GEORGE Yeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish. KRAMER Yeah. KRAMER What's this? JERRY Oh, it's an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina. KRAMER They moved in together? JERRY Yeah, it's some place down in the village. KRAMER Phew. (buzzer) JERRY Yeah. ELAINE It's Elaine. JERRY All right we're coming down. KRAMER Hey, where ya' going? JERRY We're taking Elaine to dinner. She's got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go? KRAMER Um, I'd like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we'll be getting together. GEORGE Elle McPherson going to be there? KRAMER OH! I got to call her back. (Kramer exits) THE END

THE SHOWER HEAD

THE SHOWER HEAD Written by Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross (Elaine in a doctor's office) ELAINE Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals. DOCTOR I'll need a urine sample. ELAINE Right. George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. GEORGE You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils. ELAINE Oh, Come on. JERRY Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday? GEORGE Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok? JERRY Yeah, sure. My parents will be there. ELAINE The Tonight Show? JERRY Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go? ELAINE Are you doing new material? JERRY No. ELAINE I don't think so. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head? JERRY No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know. KRAMER Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that. Kramer exits. ELAINE So what are your parents doing here in new York? JERRY Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace. ELAINE So what are their plans? JERRY Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's. ELAINE You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment? JERRY No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her. GEORGE Uncle Leo's having regular sex? JERRY Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing. JERRY Hello? MORTY Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday. JERRY You gotta be there at 4:30. MORTY But it comes on 11:30. JERRY Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30. MORTY How long they been doing this? JERRY 30 years. MORTY Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon? JERRY All right, I'll see you later. ELAINE Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida? GEORGE Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? JERRY Yeah, it is. GEORGE I mean, they're retired. JERRY No economic reason for them to be here. GEORGE They have no friends. JERRY No social reason for them to be here. ELAINE You're all grown up. GEORGE Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you. George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet. JERRY Hello? HELEN Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice. JERRY I don't know, maybe get an ice tray? HELEN I can do that. JERRY You know Dad just called me. HELEN Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up. JERRY Yeah, all right, well I got some people here. HELEN Ok. JERRY All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now. ELAINE Ahh. JERRY I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal! ELAINE They have no idea when they're going back to Florida? JERRY The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida. ELAINE How's that gonna happen? Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop. UNCLE LEO It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week. JERRY Once a week? So how's Lydia? UNCLE LEO Ah, she's a real tiger. JERRY I don't know how you do it. UNCLE LEO What? JERRY A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business. UNCLE LEO What are you talking about? JERRY Well... UNCLE LEO Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium. JERRY Hey, it happens. UNCLE LEO I bet that cook is an anti-Semite. JERRY He has no idea who you are. UNCLE LEO They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry. JERRY All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business. UNCLE LEO Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw. JERRY Well, keep looking. Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work. PETERMAN I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa. ELAINE What? Why not? PETERMAN I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium. ELAINE Opium? PETERMAN That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally. ELAINE Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake. PETERMAN Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine. ELAINE Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test. PETERMAN All right, Elaine. ELAINE Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes. George and his parents at their home in Queens. GEORGE Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter. FRANK I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities. ESTELLE What extremities? GEORGE You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three. ESTELLE So George, why are you here? GEORGE What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table) ESTELLE What's this. GEORGE That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up. ESTELLE I don't bet. GEORGE What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there. ESTELLE I don't swim. GEORGE You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks. ESTELLE Are you trying to get rid of us? GEORGE Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away. Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting a chart and shaking his head no. ELAINE No? The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment. Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is flat. KRAMER Jerry? Jerry! Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat. KRAMER Wha, you too? JERRY Yeah! KRAMER These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair. JERRY Me either. KRAMER If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer. JERRY You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room. KRAMER Aw. JERRY Where are you going? KRAMER I gotta find another shower. Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door. Newman answers, with flat hair. KRAMER They got you too? NEWMAN This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman! Kramer backs away then runs down the hall. Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in. KRAMER Oh, Elaine. Yeah. ELAINE Kramer, you look terrible. KRAMER Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower. ELAINE What's wrong with your shower? KRAMER There's no water pressure. ELAINE Why don't you just go see Jerry? Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office door and pauses. KRAMER Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out. PETERMAN Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! (Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed) ELAINE Mr Peterman! What are you doing? PETERMAN Elaine, you're out of control. You need help. ELAINE Huh? PETERMAN I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything. PETERMAN Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. desk. You're fired. Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there. HELEN All they serve is chicken? JERRY There's more food down the hall. MORTY Wrap it up, we'll take it home. George walks in with his parents. JERRY Oh, hi. ESTELLE Hello Seinfelds. MORTY Hello. HELEN Hi. FRANK This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini. ESTELLE Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you. JERRY Actually, I'm drunk. GEORGE Hey, hey, how was Florida? MORTY Well, we just bought a new place down there. ESTELLE I know, we were looking at the brochure. MORTY What? HELEN Why, you thinking of moving? FRANK Not really. MORTY Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development. FRANK Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista? MORTY That's right. They went like hotcakes. FRANK How'd you get yours? MORTY Got lucky. FRANK Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?! JERRY I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space. Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin and talking with a waitress. ELAINE How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice? WAITRESS Yeah, it's hard to figure. ELAINE I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bushmen of the Kalahari. WAITRESS Ah, the bushmen? ELAINE And the bushwomen. MAN Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin. ELAINE Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time. MAN Well, you know what opium is made from... ELAINE Poppies! Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. JAY Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family? JERRY Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite. Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. JERRY Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat. JERRY Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great? KRAMER Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya. JERRY Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong? KRAMER I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath? JERRY No good? KRAMER It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me. JERRY Well, you used to sit in that hot tub? KRAMER Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that. JERRY Chicken? KRAMER Oh, yeah. Elaine enters. ELAINE Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds! JERRY Poppy seeds! KRAMER Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken? ELAINE Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa. There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman. JERRY Hello Newman. NEWMAN Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us? ELAINE Oh c'mon, Newman. NEWMAN I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind? ELAINE Jerry? NEWMAN Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers. JERRY Not from the footage I've seen. NEWMAN Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in? KRAMER I'm down. NEWMAN Jerry? Jerry nods reluctantly. Frank and Estelle's house. ESTELLE So, Georgie, we have some big news for you. GEORGE Big news? ESTELLE We're moving to Florida. GEORGE What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for? FRANK Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds. GEORGE What do you mean? FRANK They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista! GEORGE So you're moving there for spite! FRANK Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! GEORGE That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?! ESTELLE So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us? GEORGE Oh, every chance I get. ESTELLE Ohhh. George busts into Jerry's apartment. GEORGE Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting! JERRY What's going on? GEORGE My parents are moving to Florida! JERRY Are you kidding? GEORGE Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!! JERRY Where are they moving to? GEORGE Del Boca Vista! JERRY Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live! GEORGE I know! JERRY We could visit together! GEORGE Every five years! They 'high five' each other. JERRY That's incredible! GEORGE I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there? JERRY Why? GEORGE To spite your parents! JERRY To spite my parents? GEORGE Yeah! JERRY Your parents are crazy! GEORGE I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic! JERRY My parents are moving back too! GEORGE Beautiful! Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment. MORTY I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida. HELEN He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened? Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers. MORTY Hello? VOICE This is Frank Costanza. MORTY What do you want? FRANK You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out! Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up. MORTY I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida. Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune. GEORGE I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner. JERRY You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of. The phone rings, Jerry answers. JERRY Hello. MORTY Hello, Jerry? It's your father. JERRY Oh, hi dad. MORTY Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle. MORTY What was that? JERRY Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here? MORTY Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista. JERRY But it's a big complex. MORTY You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone. JERRY All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone) GEOPRGE What? JERRY They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here. GEORGE What? Why? JERRY Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something. GEORGE Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby. JERRY You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake. Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth. LEO Move back with Lydia? JERRY C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody. LEO Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging. JERRY Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way. LEO But she's an anti-Semite. JERRY Can you blame her? Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment. HELEN You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? MORTY Why would he mind? We're his parents. Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's parents. ELAINE Oh. HELEN Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hello. Jerry's not here? HELEN No. ELAINE Huh. (pause) Oh my god. HELEN What? ELAINE A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour. HELEN Why? ELAINE It's a long story. HELEN Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom. ELAINE What are you gonna do in there? HELEN What am I gonna do in the bathroom? ELAINE You gotta do me a favor. HELEN Elaine, I really-- ELAINE Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample. HELEN You want my urine? ELAINE I need a clean urine sample from a woman. HELEN I don't know. ELAINE Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please? HELEN Well, what am I gonna do it in? ELAINE Well, one of those glasses. HELEN Jerry's glasses? ELAINE Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom. Helen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup? ELAINE Yeah, a coffee cup's fine. HELEN Or maybe a juice glass. ELAINE Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect. HELEN This one is kind of scratched. ELAINE It doesn't matter. HELEN Howbout A milk glass. ELAINE A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass. HELEN Jerry doesn't wash these very well. ELAINE Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld! Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an alley. SALESMAN All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it. JERRY What do you recommend? SALESMAN What are you looking for? KRAMER Power, man. Power. NEWMAN Like Silkwood. KRAMER That's for radiation. NEWMAN That's right. KRAMER Now, what is this? SALESMAN That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi- KRAMER Well that's what we want, the Commando 450. Salesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants. NEWMAN We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry? KRAMER He couldn't handle that, he's delicate. Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment. HELEN It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small. MORTY First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on? There's a knock at the door. MORTY Who is it? SUPER It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms. MORTY Low flow? I don't like the sound of that. Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone. PETERMAN So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. ELAINE Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa? PETERMAN I'm afraid I can't take you. ELAINE What? Why not? PETERMAN Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman. ELAINE But I wanted to see the bushmen. PETERMAN Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis. Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their bags. They have flat hair. JERRY Well, it's been a great visit. MORTY Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower. JERRY Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George. HELEN George must be happy about that. JERRY You have no idea. George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed. FRANK Take my swim trunks. I won't need them. ESTELLE What does he want with your swim trunks? FRANK Why should they go to waste?!? Kramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head hooked up. He turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards. He grabs the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to turn the faucet off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds in knocking over a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough by the water to become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls out of the shower, and out of camera range. THE END

THE BETRAYAL

THE BETRAYAL Written by Peter Mehlman & David Mandel (Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases. Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered) GEORGE So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?! ELAINE (Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought. GEORGE (Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested. JERRY (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around. GEORGE Yeah, I hope so. For your sake! (Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them) JERRY (To George) I said I was sorry. GEORGE You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister! JERRY (Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?! KRAMER (Confused) What's up with you two? GEORGE I don't want to talk about it. KRAMER (To Jerry) So how was the big trip? JERRY I don't want to talk about it! KRAMER (Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened to your nose? ELAINE I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the pain from her nose on the word 'about') KRAMER Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant? ELAINE She.. was. JERRY 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom. KRAMER (Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom) GEORGE (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India. JERRY I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding! (Scene ends) India) "ONE DAY EARLIER" People storm out of a building. All are dressed in wedding apparel) SUE ELLEN That's it! The wedding's off. PINTER What? But, Sue Ellen- SUE ELLEN (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?! ELAINE No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical. SUE ELLEN I have never been so humiliated! ELAINE (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all yoru fault! GEORGE (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me! JERRY (Pleading) George, I'm sorry.. GEORGE You can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister! JERRY (Confused) I don't know what that means. GEORGE (To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me? NINA (Casually) Alright.. Neither. GEORGE What?! Well, what are you doing here? NINA A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those boots. Everyone knows you're five' six. GEORGE Five' eight! Five' seven! ELAINE (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right? SUE ELLEN No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose! (Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out) JERRY That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from! GEORGE (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom. (Scene ends) A building in India) "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" The bride, Sue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering flowers behind them. Jerry walks in and takes a seat) ELAINE (Whispering to Jerry) Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE What happened last night? JERRY Oh, you were pretty loaded. ELAINE (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this. JERRY Oh. Hello, Tetanus. (Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall) NINA George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine. GEORGE (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out. ELAINE (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands painted black? GEORGE (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced? ELAINE (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward the bride and groom) GEORGE Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I believe you know Nina. JERRY (As George sits down) George, we need to talk. GEORGE (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me! JERRY Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all. GEORGE (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway! JERRY (Pleading) I'm really sorry. GEORGE You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! JERRY (Confused) Where'd you get that one? GEORGE It's an expression. ELAINE (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing) GEORGE (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you! JERRY That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add. GEORGE (Losing it) Funny guy! (Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George) ELAINE Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here! GEORGE Elaine, you have to sleep with me. ELAINE (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you. GEORGE Reparations! ELAINE Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with (Points to Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history. GEORGE (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?! (Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly. All eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen) (Scene ends) New York street) "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" Kramer is standing up against a brick wall. All the sudden, he's pegged straight in the face with a snowball. He winces from the pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the one who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him) KRAMER Oh, thank you, FDR! (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Kramer and FDR are both holding a wishbone) KRAMER Alright, FDR.. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred percent anti-drop-dead protection. Forever. FDR Alright. (They each pull, it breaks. FDR won) KRAMER Oh, man! Well, then, come on. There's got to be something that'll change your mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up a cooler, and puts it on the table) What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!.. (Scene ends) Jerry's room in India) "THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine is obviously drunk) ELAINE George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird. JERRY How did he find out? ELAINE He schnapped me. JERRY You know you're not supposed to drink whil you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else? ELAINE I can't tell you. JERRY (Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this. ELAINE Okay. (Takes a drink) I slept with the groom. JERRY Pinter? ELAINE He used to be called Peter. JERRY (Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that? ELAIEN Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding. JERRY Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. (Elaine, at this point, has climbed onto the couch and is squirming around - she now has her backside to Jerry) Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up. (Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back) ELAINE Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian? JERRY (Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what? ELAINE (Between laughs) Jugdish. JERRY Yes, jugdish. ELAINE (While sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor) Hey, what if I got my nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! JERRY (Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night. (Shuts the door) (Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door) ELAINE (Sticking her fingers through the blinds - waving at him) G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs) (Scene ends) Jerry's room, India) "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Jerry hands Elaine a glass of Schnapps) JERRY Bless you. ELAINE Thank you.. (Scene ends) Jerry's room, India) "THREE SECONDS EARLIER" Jerry's pouring Elaine a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes) (Scene ends) New York park) "TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK" Kramer is with hot-dog vender FDR) KRAMER Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night, and I wished against your wish. FDR That's funny. As it happens, I saw the same shooting star and double-wished you to drop dead. (Hands Kramer some coins) Here's your change. (Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain) KRAMER Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep! FDR (Throwing four coins into the fountain) Then I'm quadruple-wishing! KRAMER Alright.. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) How do you like this? (Blows it away) Ya! FDR I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away) KRAMER (Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away) FDR (Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away) (Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes) (Scene ends) Indian Airport) "THREE HOURS EARLIER, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are all at the airport) ELAINE Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What's that smell? JERRY (Joking around) I think it's the stench of death. NINA George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you? GEORGE (Laughing nervously) No.. I'm gonna wear black shoes. ELAIEN (Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a buch of my idiot friends! JERRY (Giddy) This is gonna be great! SUE ELLEN (Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you! ELAINE (Confused by her reaction) You are? SUE ELLEN Well, of course! No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian. ELAIEN Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall.. we hate each other! SUE ELLEN Elaine, I know. I know we've had our problems, but.. I want you to be my maid of honor - and my best friend. ELAINE (Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess. SUE ELLEN Uh, this is my fiance, Pinter. (To Pinter) Say hello. PINTER (Walking up to them) Hello. ELAINE (Recognizing him) Peter? SUE ELLEN Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want to use the bathroom? GEORGE (Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves) JERRY Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strage the whole flight? ELAINE (Acting equilly strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I.. JERRY (Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps. ELAINE Ooohh. (Scene ends) Jerry/Kramer's apartment building) "THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK" Kramer is on the roof of his apartment building looking up at the stars) KRAME Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!! MAN (Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there! KRAMER You shut up! MAN Aw, drop dead! (Scene ends) Airplane) "FIVE HOURS EARLIER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND INDIA" Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are on the plane - India-bound. George walks up to Jerry's seat) GEORGE Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight? JERRY Coach to India - The only way to go. GEORGE (Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy! JERRY You all right? GEORGE Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl. Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend.. with whom there are no secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade. JERRY (Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade? GEORGE (Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here! (Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine) NINA By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did ya? ELAINE Oh please.. It's in the vault. (Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from the front of the plane) GEORGE Ho, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy! (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine and George are at Monks. Elaine is drunk) ELAINE Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth. She is effected by that last DRINK ) Oh.. God.. GEORGE So, Jerry and Nina, huh? ELAINE Oh, Mmm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell you any more things.. GEORGE But you already told me everything. ELAINE Okey-dokey. (Scene ends) Newman's apartment) "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER") KRAMER I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to give my your birthday wish. And now you've wated it! NEWMAN (With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I? WOMAN Newman, I'm bored. NEWMAN Aww.. KRAMER Does your girlfriend have to be here? NEWMAN (Suggesting Jerry) Does yours? JERRY (Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George. KRAMER Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am I gonna do about FDR? WOMAN Why don't you just make another wish? KRAMER And how am I gonna do that, Toots? WOMAN What about a shooting star? KRAMER (Interested) That's perfect.. NEWMAN (Kissing the woman) Beauty.. and brains. JERRY (Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya? (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" George enters Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Hey. ELAINE (Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with us tomarrow. GEORGE For how long? ELAINE Three days. GEORGE Great. (Hugs Jerry) Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the best time with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. A great, great friend. (Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway) JERRY (Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey, Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on in! KRAMER (Shrugging Jerry off) Nah. ELAINE You want to go to India? KRAMER I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead. GEORGE Great! Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.. JERRY (As Kramer is walking in the direction of Newman's apartment) Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you. KRAMER I'm goin' to Newman's! JERRY (Eagerly following Kramer) Great, I love Newman! (They both leave) GEORGE (Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina? ELAINE Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina. GEORGE Why do you keep saying Nina? ELAIEN I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite. GEORGE Uhh.. I'll meet you down there. (Elaine leaves. George instantly goes looking through Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal.. (Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps. (Scene ends) NYC Street) "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER") KRAMER (Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the movie. (Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car. He stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer) NEWMAN (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily cerified. WOMAN; I could listed to you talk about mail all day. KRAMER Anything you wish.. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away) KRAMER Wish?! Newman! (Scene ends) Newman's apartment) "ONE DAY EARLIER" It's Newman's birthday party. His house is full of Postal co-workers) ALL (Singing to Newman) ..And you smell like one, too. POSTMAN Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get back to work in three hours! (Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes in) KRAMER Newman, wait! NEWMAN (Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people. KRAMER Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me! NEWMAN I did invite you.. Your invitation must've.. gotten lost in the mail. (All postal workers burst out with laughter) KRAMER Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR. NEWMAN (Refusing, Standing up) Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true. KRAMER Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh? NEWMAN (Negotiating) Your next.. fifty wishes. KRAMER Forty-eight. NEWMAN Fourty-nine. KRAMER Done! NEWMAN AND KRAMER (Toghether) Sucker.. (Newman sits back down to his cake, where his co-workers are about to slice it) NEWMAN Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my wish yet.. (Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he sees a magazine on the table - on the cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows out the candles) (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine enters) ELAINE Well, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse. JERRY Uh-huh. ELAINE I talked with the groom's parents.. JERRY Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.. ELAINE ..And it's so obvious that they don't want.. JERRY Uh-huh.. ELAINE ..me to go. JERRY Sure. ELAINE So, the only reason.. JERRY Uh-huh. ELAINE ..she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift. JERRY Uh-huh. NINA (From Jerry's room) Jerry? JERRY (To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get some coffee. (Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine) NINA Oh. Hi. ELAINE Hi. NINA (Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should.. um.. JERRY Sure. ELAINE Bye. NINA Bye-bye. (Leaves) ELAINE (Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there? JERRY Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before. ELAINE You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George? JERRY Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him. ELAINE Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault. JERRY No good. Too many people know the combination. ELAINE (Confused) What combination? (Jerry makes the "drinky-drinky" sign with his hands) Don't be rediculous. (Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers) JERRY Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops! ELAINE So what? JERRY And milk. (Scene cuts to "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer is in Jerry's kitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter) KRAMER Oh, geez.. JERRY (From outside the apartment) Hello? (Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with his arm) (Scene ends) Pinter's parent's house) "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Elaine is at Pinter's parents house) ELAINE Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat? ZUBIN Please, call us Usha and Zubin. ELAINE Oh. Well, Usha.. ZUBIN I'm Zubin. ELAINE (Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke.. USHA You're not going to the wedding, are you? ELAINE Well.. USHA Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place. ZUBIN You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? I mean, the plague! Please! USHA Here's the registry. Send her a gift, and be glad you did not have to go. ELAINE (Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I understand. ZUBIN If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip. ELAINE (Leaving) That's fantastic. ZUBIN And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan, either. (Scene ends) Jerry's apartment) "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and Nina are in the kitchen) NINA Oh, you were going to tell me all about George. JERRY Ah, just remember when you see him tomarrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him. NINA Really? JERRY Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you. NINA I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation. JERRY I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around.. NINA Heh.. yeah. JERRY Probably the reason.. (They both stare at eachother, then, Jerry clears of the counter with the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they start going at it) (Scene ends) FDR's apartment building) "ONE DAY EARLIER" Kramer is standing outside FDR's door, talking to FDR. He is finishing what was once a large lollipop) FDR Are - are you dense? I said I wanted you to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams the door in Kramer's face) KRAMER (Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry.. (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at Jerry's apartment. Jerry's at his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly bigger) JERRY Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead. KRAMER But you haven't seen.. JERRY Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer) KRAMER Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's) (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at FDR's apartment. Kramer and FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course, is larger than the scene before) FDR That's right. My birthday wish was for you to drop dead. KRAMER Well, why? FDR (Sinister) I have my reasons. KRAMER Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true. FDR That's just a silly superstition. (Slams his door on Kramer) (Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer comes into Jerry's apartment with a huge lollipop) KRAMER Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead. GEORGE FDR? KRAMER (To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.. GEORGE (Guessing the look) Stink eye? JERRY (Also guessing) Crook eye? KRAMER (Entroducing yet another type of look to the boys) EVIL eye. JERRY Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.. GEORGE Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!" JERRY (Sarcasticly joking off what George said) Everyday is my birthday. KRAMER Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's bad mojo. (Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer) ELAINE Hi. (Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves) ELAINE You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. An invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding. JERRY (Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support. ELAINE Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today. JERRY So you think it's a non-vite? ELAINE It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) Hey, are you gettin' taller? GEORGE (Showing Elaine his boots) Timberlands. ELAINE Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.. JERRY Ah, it's probably like Smith over there. GEORGE Jerry, would you make the call already? ELAINE What call? JERRY (Picks up the phone, dialing Nina) He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal. ELAINE (Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter tward Jerry) The one you think can replace me? JERRY I was kidding when I said that! GEORGE (To Elaine) Told me the same thing. JERRY (On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry. GEORGE You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect. JERRY (To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh? GEORGE (Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right.. (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) "ONE HOUR EARLIER" George is ordering his meal) GEORGE I'll have the clam casino. JERRY Get outta here. GEORGE (Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends" JERRY Hmm.. GEORGE (Motioning tward waitress) I think she likes me. JERRY Sure. GEORGE So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man? JERRY Are you? GEORGE Well, what's the reason? JERRY We were too compatible.. Our conversations were so engrossing. GEORGE How engrossing? JERRY If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step. GEORGE Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? (Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling) JERRY Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the trasition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses.. I need an awkward pause. GEORGE I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wwear them every time I see her. JERRY Why? GEORGE In any othe shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin! JERRY So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation? GEORGE In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his meal) Hm.. tastes a little funky. JERRY Oh, I'm sure it's fine. (Scene ends) FDR's apartment) "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" A group of people are singing to FDR) ALL ..to you! MAN Come on, make a wish! Make a wish! KRAMER Yeah! (FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles, then gives Kramer the same look. Kramer reacts nervously) (Scene ends) NYC Street) "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and George are walking down the street. The opening credits start to show) GEORGE Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive. JERRY Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands? GEORGE Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies! JERRY Really? GEORGE Five' eight. Five' seven. (Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend) NINA Jerry? JERRY Nina? NINA Hi. JERRY It's been years! NINA Yeah! JERRY (Introducing the two) George, this is Nina. GEORGE Nice to meet you. NINA Nice to meet you, too. (Scene ends) Elaine's apartment building) "THREE HOURS EARLIER" Elaine's at her mailbox) ELAINE (Reading an invitation) India? Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India.. (Scene ends) The Coffee shop) "TWO YEARS EARLIER" Jerry is sitting at a booth with Nina) NINA And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone! JERRY (Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?! NINA Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave) JERRY Ah. NINA It's great talkin' JERRY Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail? (George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry) GEORGE How as the date? JERRY Pretty good. I think she might be the one. SUSAN No. GEORGE Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries. SUSAN Ah, George. GEORGE (Changing is order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato. SUSAN Uh-huh. GEORGE Sorry. SUSAN yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. (Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball) KRAMER Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it) JERRY What are you bringing snowballs in here for? KRAMER Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard.. and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (Looks out the Monk's windows) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball) (Elaine and Pinter (Peter) enter Monk's, and are greeted) JERRY Hi, Elaine. GEORGE Hey! ELAINE (Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay, Peter? (Scene ends) Jerry's new apartment) "ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER" Jerry, carrying a box, is moving in to his apartment for the first time. He meets his across-the-hall neighbor, Kramer) KRAMER Oh, hey, how you doing? JERRY Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler. KRAMER Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer. JERRY Oh. KRAMER Uh, you need any help, or..? JERRY No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it? KRAMER Uh, no, no, no. I couldn't impose. JERRY Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life) KRAMER (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really? THE END

THE SOUP NAZI

THE SOUP NAZI Written by Spike Feresten GEORGE All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway. JERRY Which one you wanna go to shmoopy? SHEILA You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy. JERRY You're a shmoopy! SHEILA You're a shmoopy! JERRY You're a shmoopy! GEORGE All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater. JERRY Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place? SHEILA No. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie. GEORGE Hey. ELAINE Hey. SHEILA Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hi Sheila. JERRY All right, then. I'll see you later. SHEILA Bye shmoopy. JERRY Bye shmoopy. ELAINE Okay. We ready to go? GEORGE Yes. Please. Please, let's go. ELAINE Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger. JERRY No. We gotta go to the soup place. ELAINE What soup place? GEORGE Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there. JERRY He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned. ELAINE Stunned by soup? JERRY You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle. ELAINE Huh. All right. Come on. JERRY There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi. ELAINE Why? What happens if you don't order right? JERRY He yells and you don't get your soup. ELAINE What? JERRY Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine. GEORGE All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again. JERRY All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right. ELAINE What? JERRY The main thing is to keep the line moving. GEORGE All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive. JERRY Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments. ELAINE Oh, boy, I'm really scared! JERRY Elaine. ELAINE All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire. JERRY Ar-moire. ELAINE How much is this? FURNITURE GUY I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even. ELAINE Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things. JERRY He gave you the nice face discount. ELAINE Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead. JERRY What about the soup? ELAINE I'm getting an armoire, Jerry. JERRY (in French accent) Pardon. GEORGE This line is huge. JERRY It's like this all the time. GEORGE Isn't that that Bania guy? JERRY Oh, no. It is. Just be still. GEORGE Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent. BANIA Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup. JERRY Hard to believe. BANIA This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi. JERRY Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line. BANIA Why not? JERRY Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again. BANIA Okay. Okay. GEORGE Medium turkey chili. JERRY Medium crab bisque. GEORGE I didn't get any bread. JERRY Just forget it. Let it go. GEORGE Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI Bread -- $2 extra. GEORGE $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. SOUP NAZI You want bread? GEORGE Yes, please. SOUP NAZI $3! GEORGE What? SOUP NAZI No soup for you! (snaps fingers) (cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money) ELAINE What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here. SUPER It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule. ELAINE But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face. SUPER Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right? ELAINE Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me. FURNITURE GUY I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway. ELAINE Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away. JERRY Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it? GEORGE You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any? JERRY I gave you a taste. What do you want? GEORGE Why can't we share? JERRY I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you! GEORGE Do you hear yourself? JERRY I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime. GEORGE Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila. SHEILA Hi. Hi shmoopy. JERRY Hi shmoopy. SHEILA No, you're a shmoopy! JERRY You're a shmoopy! GEORGE I'm going. JERRY Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight? GEORGE You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so. JERRY Why? GEORGE I just don't feel like it anymore. JERRY Just like that? GEORGE Just like that. SHEILA Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he? KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER (taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah. JERRY Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing? KRAMER Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on. JERRY Well, sit on one of your couch cushions. KRAMER Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there! ELAINE Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this. KRAMER Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it. ELAINE Do you need anything? KRAMER Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot. ELAINE Mulligatawny? KRAMER Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era. ELAINE Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi? KRAMER He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are. ELAINE All right. I'll be back. KRAMER Wait a second. You don't even know how to order. ELAINE Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it. KRAMER No. No, Elaine! ELAINE Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup? GEORGE No. I didn't get it. ELAINE Why? What happened? GEORGE I made a mistake. ELAINE (laughing) GEORGE All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you. ELAINE Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup. GEORGE Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? ELAINE Oh, I know! It is awful! GEORGE Why do they have to do that in front of people? ELAINE I don't know. GEORGE What is that with the shmoopy? ELAINE Ohh! GEORGE The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy! ELAINE Ohh! Stop it! I know. GEORGE I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy. ELAINE Ugh! GEORGE And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight. ELAINE You know, we should say something. GEORGE You know, we absolutely should. ELAINE I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff that is? GEORGE I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes. ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE I still haven't figured him out. ELAINE No. Me neither. GEORGE All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode. ELAINE Oh, God! GEORGE Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful. SOUP NAZI You're pushing your luck little man. GEORGE Sorry. Thank you. ELAINE Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop) Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um.... what is that right there? Is that lima bean? SOUP NAZI Yes. ELAINE Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah! SOUP NAZI Very good. Very good. ELAINE Well, I -- SOUP NAZI You know something? ELAINE Hmmm? SOUP NAZI No soup for you! ELAINE What? SOUP NAZI Come back one year! Next! RAY Look at this. BOB It's an antique. RAY It's all hand made and I love the in-lay. BOB Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there. KRAMER Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing? BOB What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this. KRAMER You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine. BOB Look, you wanna get hurt? KRAMER Huh? BOB I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off. RAY Bob. BOB Just pick it up. KRAMER What is this, huh? BOB You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay? ELAINE I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna call the states' attorney office. I really am. GEORGE Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this. ELAINE All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where's my armoire? KRAMER Well, b -- it was stolen. ELAINE Wha--? KRAMER These street toughs, they robbed me. ELAINE Street toughs took my armoire? KRAMER Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me. ELAINE I can't believe this! KRAMER Well, where's the soup? ELAINE Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out. KRAMER Oh...yeah! JERRY What are you gonna get? SHEILA I'll decide at the last minute. JERRY You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila! (Soup Nazi pounding on countertop) JERRY Uh-oh. SOUP NAZI Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line! SHEILA I can kiss anywhere I want to. SOUP NAZI You just cost yourself a soup! SHEILA How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry? JERRY Do I know you? ELAINE So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman? JERRY It was a bisque. ELAINE Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you. JERRY Really? ELAINE Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup. JERRY Have you tastes the soup? ELAINE Yeah. All right. You made the right decision. JERRY See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Oh, thanks. ELAINE There he is. KRAMER Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire. ELAINE Yeah. I know. Me, too. JERRY So, did these thieves want any money? KRAMER No. JERRY They just wanted the armoire? KRAMER Yeah. They were..quite taken with it. (interom buzzes) JERRY Yeah? GEORGE Hup! Hup! JERRY Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? ELAINE No. In what way? JERRY I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something. ELAINE I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody. GEORGE Hello. JERRY Hello. KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hello. ELAINE Hello. GEORGE Were you just talking about me? What's going on? JERRY Absolutely not. GEORGE Something's going on here. KRAMER All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go get some soup. ELAINE One of these days that guy is gonna get his. GEORGE So, how was the movie? JERRY Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs. GEORGE Oh, yeah? JERRY Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy? GEORGE Happy? Why should I be happy? JERRY I don't know, but you look like you're happy. GEORGE Why should I care? JERRY You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy. GEORGE All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine? (Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment) JERRY Is that so? GEORGE Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting! JERRY Disgusting? GEORGE People who do that should be arrested. JERRY Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her. GEORGE Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know. JERRY What? GEORGE You shook my hand in that coffee shop. JERRY You're still with the pact? GEORGE Mmm-hmm. You reneged. JERRY All I did was shake your hand. GEORGE Ah-ha! KRAMER And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that. SOUP NAZI Ohh! This city. NEWMAN One large jambalaya, please. SOUP NAZI So, continue. KRAMER Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very emotional. NEWMAN Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya! SOUP NAZI All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it. So, take it, it's yours. KRAMER How can I possibly thank you? SOUP NAZI You are the only one who understands me. KRAMER You suffer for your soup. SOUP NAZI Yes. That is right. KRAMER You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup. SOUP NAZI How can I tolerate any less from my customer? CUSTOMER Uh, gazpacho, por favor. SOUP NAZI Por favor? CUSTOMER Um, I'm part Spanish. SOUP NAZI Adios muchacho! KRAMER Git. JERRY It was stupid of me. SHEILA Well, it was very insulting. JERRY No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding. SHEILA Well, behind every joke there's some truth. JERRY What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some coffee." There's no truth to that. SHEILA Well, I guess you're right. JERRY So, am I forgiven, shmoopy? SHEILA Yes, shmoopy. JERRY Aw! SUSAN Hey, Jerry! JERRY Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila. GEORGE Oh, yes. Hello. SHEILA Hello. Won't you join us? GEORGE No, thanks. SUSAN Of course. GEORGE Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh? JERRY Yeah. That's right. You got a problem? GEORGE I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty. JERRY Well, we're changing the rules. GEORGE Ahh. Good for you. SUSAN Aw, what are you getting George? GEORGE I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? (in babying voice) I want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? SUSAN Oh, George, you're so sweet. GEORGE Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie. SUSAN Aww! JERRY What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy? SHEILA Yeah. JERRY Yum yum little tuna fishy? GEORGE Come here. (George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making out in order to keep up) KRAMER And..voila! ELAINE (gasps) KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it! KRAMER Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it? ELAINE The K Man did it! KRAMER Yeah! ELAINE (laughing) How much did you pay for this thing? KRAMER How 'bout zero? ELAINE What? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it? KRAMER I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi. ELAINE Get out! (Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her swinging door) ELAINE The Soup Nazi gave it to you? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Why? KRAMER Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He's a wonderful man. ELAINE (gasps) KRAMER Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh.... ELAINE Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful! KRAMER Yeah. Well, he's a dear. GEORGE How much tip do you leave on $8.15? SUSAN You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship. GEORGE Huh? SUSAN (in babying voice) Because you love your little kiki don't you? CUSTOMER How is he today? BANIA I think he's in a good mood. ELAINE Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it. SOUP NAZI You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up! JERRY I'm heading over to Elaine's. KRAMER Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire. JERRY Those two? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Are you sure? KRAMER Yeah. That's them. JERRY Well, let's confront 'em. KRAMER No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop. JERRY There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on. KRAMER No! JERRY Let's go. BOB Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one. RAY Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all. BOB Oh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that. KRAMER Excuse me. RAY Are you talking to me? KRAMER Uh, well, uh, we -- RAY I said, are you talking to me? BOB Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?! KRAMER Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we? (Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away) ELAINE I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that? JERRY I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..." ELAINE Let me see this. (gasps) You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. These are his recipes! JERY So? ELAINE So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city. JERRY Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going? ELAINE What do you care? JERRY Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup. ELAINE Get out of my way, Jerry. JERRY Elaine, let the man make his soup! ELAINE Don't make me hurt you, Jerry. SUSAN Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby bluey? GEORGE Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey. JERRY Well. Well. SUSAN Hi, Jerry. JERRY Hey, Susan, George. SUSAN You know, I really like Sheila a lot. JERRY Oh, really? SUSAN Mmm-hmm. JERRY Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore. SUSAN Oh, no! That's too bad. JERRY Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. SUSAN Mmm-hmm. GEORGE You did? JERRY Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya. GEORGE Yeah. See ya. SOUP NAZI Go on! Leave! Get out! WOMAN But I didn't do anything. SOUP NAZI Next! ELAINE Hello. SOUP NAZI You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time. ELAINE I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery." SOUP NAZI That is my recipe for wild mushroom. ELAINE Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny. SOUP NAZI Mulliga...tawny? ELAINE You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! NEWMAN (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! JERRY What is it? NEWMAN Something's happened with the Soup Nazi! JERRY Wha - wha - what's the matter? NEWMAN Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us! JERRY Well, where are you going? NEWMAN He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot! THE END

THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB

THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) JERRY What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder... JERRY What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up) ELAINE Is that the supermodel? JERRY Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours. ELAINE I thought you had a show in Ithaca. JERRY I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport. ELAINE Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting. JERRY So that's it? You know I never even met the guy. ELAINE I've had enough. I am marchin' in. JERRY You're marchin' in. ELAINE I'm marchin'. (Enter George) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. Elaine's quitting. GEORGE Really? ELAINE I'm marchin' in. GEORGE I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world. JERRY How 'bout the march out? GEORGE Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing. ELAINE This is it. Wish me luck. JERRY Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits) GEORGE Jerry, I need to borrow your camera. JERRY Why? GEORGE Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office. JERRY What for? GEORGE They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is. JERRY Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent? GEORGE It better be. ELAINE Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you. PITT One second Elaine. ELAINE Mr. Pitt... PITT Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary. ELAINE What? PITT Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone. ELAINE (Flattered) Mr. Pitt... PITT (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet? ELAINE Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine, PITT Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist. ELAINE We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time. GEORGE (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan? MORGAN Why? GEORGE Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time. MORGAN I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza? GEORGE No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance... ... .....................????recessed on the floor. ELAINE Oh my God. WOMAN Who are you? PITT This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine... MAN Please, rest Mr. Pitt. WOMAN You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him? ELAINE Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen? MAN Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and these other pills. ELAINE Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist. PITT I spoke to someone who worked there. ELAINE I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits) WOMAN How well do you know her? KATIE Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash- JERRY Yes, I know. I've flown before. KATIE Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom? JERRY No. KATIE (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off. KRAMER Hey, how you doin'? EARL Pretty good. KRAMER Name's Kramer. EARL Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed? KRAMER Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving. EARL Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston. KRAMER Bet? Um, not betting. EARL Friendly wager. KRAMER I haven't made a bet in three years, I- EARL Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time. KRAMER Okay, how much? EARL How 'bout 200? KRAMER You're on, cowboy! GEORGE How ya doin'? MAN Okay. GEORGE Nice day today. MAN What? GEORGE I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here? INTERCOM Now arriving at gate 12... EARL This could be Mexico City. KRAMER C'mon Seattle, let's go. EARL Come on, Mexico City! KRAMER Seattle, yeah! INTERCOM ...flight 42 from Mexico City. KRAMER All right, c'mon, let's go again. ELAINE Mr. Pitt, do you need anything? PITT No. ELAINE You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow? PITT Okay. KATIE It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week. JERRY I don't care. KATIE By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience. JERRY Who? KATIE Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show. JERRY I don't care, why are you telling me this? KATIE I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him. JERRY Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot... OFF STAGE Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping) JERRY Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I.. KATIE It didn't go very well, did it? JERRY No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out. KATIE I knew it. JERRY If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him. KATIE Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out. JERRY Oh, it doesn't matter now. KATIE Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this. JERRY Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom! EARL Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check? KRAMER All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon. EARL All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table. KRAMER All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls) N Hello? KRAMER Yeah, it's, uh, me. N Hey, what's up? KRAMER All right, listen. I need some cash. N What for? KRAMER I just need it, that's all. N Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you? KRAMER I'm at the airport. N The airport? KRAMER We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash. N I don't have that kinda dough. KRAMER Sure you do. N Oh no, no, not the bag! KRAMER Oh help me man, I'm desperate! N All right, all right. INTERCOM Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia... JERRY (To Katie) What is the complication? FLISHT ATTENDANT Mr. Seinfeld? JERRY Yes? FA I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane. JERRY What? FA Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you. KATIE I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there. JERRY I didn't care. FA Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane. JERRY He can't just throw me off the plane! FA Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance. JERRY But I'm not a disturbance! FA Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir. JERRY But someone is waiting for me! KATIE Jerry, I don't want you to freak out. JERRY I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out! KATIE There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want? JERRY Which one do you think I want? KATIE The eight will get you in a little earlier. JERRY Then we'll make it the eight. KATIE I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?) JERRY Hotel? KATIE Yeah, it's eight in the morning. JERRY No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car. KATIE Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference? JERRY I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please? KATIE Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits) GEORGE Yo. JERRY George. GEORGE Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca? JERRY I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club... GEORGE Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas? JERRY Carl, I think. GEORGE Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy. JERRY Yeah, he was nice. GEORGE What company was it? JERRY Defent. GEORGE Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit... JERRY You need an exterminator? GEORGE No, not really. JERRY Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black? GEORGE Gotta go. JERRY George, George! JERRY Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there? WOMAN Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you. ELAINE Hello? JERRY Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late. ELAINE That's at the airport, right? JERRY Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out. ELAINE All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself. JERRY I am a little freaked out! ELAINE Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine) JERRY All right, but you have to go now. ELAINE I said I'll take care of it! N Kramer. KRAMER Hey. N Okay, here it is. KRAMER Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral. EARL So it's a mailbag, so what? N So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is? EARL (Reading) David Berkowitz. N Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced. EARL Where did you get this? N I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route. EARL Any of 'em talk to you? N Just to tell me to keep off the snacks! EARL (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy. KRAMER Yeah, don't I know it. EARL Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like? KRAMER All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston? EARL All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca. KRAMER Double or nothin'. EARL Double or nothin'. N I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence) JERRY (Wakes up) Where are we? KATIE I'm not sure. JERRY Is this even a road? KATIE Oh we lost the road a half hour ago. JERRY What? Why didn't you wake me up? KATIE You told me not to bother you with minor details. JERRY No, road is a major detail! KATIE Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference? JERRY (Pointing ahead) Look out! GEORGE May I help you? CARL I'm the exterminator. GEORGE Oh, yes of course, come in. CARL Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform? GEORGE Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right? CARL Do I know you? GEORGE Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there. CARL Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right? GEORGE Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in? PHONE Mr. Morgan left for dinner. GEORGE He left... huh... Carl, you hungry? TV Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out. JERRY That's it! No more questions! I don't care! PITT That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist. WOMAN Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt) GEORGE (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl. CARL I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused) GEORGE That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times. EARL Well, that Newman was your good luck charm. KRAMER Yeah, he was. EARL I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable? KRAMER Oh I accept. N (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated. KRAMER Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Kramer. KRAMER Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here? ELAINE Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca? EARL What about the plane in Ithaca? ELAINE Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that? KRAMER Boy... EARL Your friend caused the delay? ELAINE Uh huh. EARL You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler. KRAMER C'mon! EARL See you around, Cosmo. KRAMER What? ELAINE Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you! PITT You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye. ELAINE Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt) JERRY Bridget! BRIDGET Jerry, what happened? JERRY Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together. BRIDGET Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour. JERRY Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot! GEORGE I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time. MORGAN Is that right? CARL Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen. MORGAN (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves) GEORGE Check, please. WAITER Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house. GEORGE Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan! THE END

THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW

THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan (Jerry and Kramer in an alley) JERRY Why were you making gravel? KRAMER Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it. Hey, those look familiar. JERRY Of course. It's garbage. KRAMER No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian! JERRY Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian. KRAMER Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash. JERRY Come on, Kramer, get out of there. KRAMER No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar. JERRY (moans) (In George's car) GEORGE You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can y'a? MIRANDA Banana? GEORGE Right. MIRANDA George watch out for those pigeons. GEORGE Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana? (George hits the pigeons.) MIRANDA Oh my God. Oh. GEORGE So uh where are we eating? (Celia's apartment) JERRY And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate. CELIA You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish. JERRY Wow! CELIA Oh yeah the toys. JERRY Where did you get all these? CELIA My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ... JERRY Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit. CELIA Jerry, what are you doing? JERRY I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink. CELIA No Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with. JERRY I just want to touch them a little. CELIA I said no. Now come here. (Peterman's) LOU Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here. ELAINE Hey Walter what is the deal with that guy? WALTER Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro. ELAINE You've been an enormous help. (Monk's) JERRY You ran over some pigeons? How many? GEORGE What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons? JERRY Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation. GEORGE Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this. JERRY So Maranda's cooled on y'a? GEORGE I'm getting nothing. JERRY Yeah, me neither. GEORGE Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together? JERRY Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it! (Elaine enters) GEORGE I don't understand women. JERRY Here comes one. ELAINE Hey. What's going on? GEORGE Hey (sees coffee marks) Art Garfunkle? ELAINE No, Castro. GEORGE Right. ELAINE All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you! JERRY So he just sidles up? ELAINE That's right! He's a real sidler. JERRY Maybe you didn't see him. ELAINE You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup singing that song from "The Lion King". JERRY Hakuna Matata? ELAINE I thought I was alone. JERRY That doesn't make it right. (Outside Jerry's apartment door) JERRY See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ... ELAINE Would you just let it go? KRAMER Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey! JERRY Oh my God! KRAMER It's the Merv Griffin set JERRY How did you get this in here? KRAMER Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it. JERRY So where are you gonna sleep? KRAMER Yeah ... backstage. ELAINE Phew! This chair smells like garbage. KRAMER Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV yeah, you can take Mannix for example. (phone rings) JERRY I'm gonna get that. KRAMER All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime( Jerry exits) Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine suts down) Why, is it possible that you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you? ELAINE (giggles) ( Central Park) (George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him) GEORGE We had a deal! ( Peterman's Office) ELAINE Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted. PETERMAN One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two. ELAINE What? (Lou Filerman is standing behind her) ( Kramer's Apartment) JERRY So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys. KRAMER That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up. JERRY Yeah, that was me. KRAMER Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had. JERRY An Army Pete. KRAMER Right. JERRY He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split. KRAMER And we all know how painful that can be. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Jerry KRAMER Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes. ELAINE Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide. KRAMER Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way. ELAINE Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job. KRAMER Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what? ELAINE Kramer, what is wrong with you? KRAMER What do you mean? ELAINE Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards (to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler. JERRY You, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale! ELAINE Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes! KRAMER Only in New York. ... ha ha GEORGE Jerry? (George enters) KRAMER Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise! Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell! GEORGE Well, it happened again. JERRY What happened? KRAMER tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened? GEORGE Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move. KRAMER All right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what was that like? That was the wrong card. GEORGE I I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me! JERRY So they're like everyone else. KRAMER (laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back! (George's Car) GEORGE Boy that bank clock is eight minutes off. MIRANDA Then why don't you just run IT over too? GEORGE Zing. MIRANDA George, what are you doing? GEORGE Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life! MIRANDA What pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. (leaves the car) GEORGE Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM! ( Celia's Apartment) (Jerry tries to play with the toys) CELIA Jerry! Those hands! They never stop! JERRY I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped! CELIA No thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin? JERRY All right. (Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness") ( Peterman's office) LOU Here's the new copy you wanted. PETERMAN Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you. ELAINE (quietly standing behind Lou) Thank you. ha ha PETERMAN Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm assuming I need it right away. ELAINE Well, I guess we'll just (Lou has left) Hey, just gimme that. ( Celia's apartment) JERRY (playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping) Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (Veterinarian's office) MIRANDA Doctor, is the squirrel going to live? DOCTOR There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments. GEORGE Well, uh, are there any other options? DOCTOR We could put him to sleep. GEORGE What might that cost? DOCTOR Well, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents. GEORGE Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do everything possible. DOCTOR He, um. he's not going to be the same, you know? GEORGE yeah. yeah. I know. ( Kramer's apartment) GEORGE So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso. KRAMER El Paso? I spent a month there one night. NEWMAN (laughs)El Paso! JERRY What's he here for? KRAMER To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm JERRY Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them. KRAMER Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells? NEWMAN Are you married right now? JERRY Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out! KRAMER What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"? JERRY She's even got that old Matel football game that we love! GEORGE Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there! KRAMER Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister! NEWMAN I told you he was a risk. JERRY Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years! NEWMAN Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs! KRAMER Smile, everyone! We're back! ( Elaine's office) LOU You wanted to see me, Elaine? ELAINE Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your... LOU My dead tooth? ELAINE No. Your. (breathes) LOU My breath? ELAINE Eechh. LOU What can I do? ELAINE Well, you should never ever go anywhere without these. (Tic Tacs) LOU Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he clicks ans clicks now when he walks) ( Celia's apartment) GEORGE More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine) JERRY So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat. CELIA What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy? JERRY AND GEORGE Triptaphen. JERRY ... I think. Have some more wine. CELIA What video did you get? JERRY Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan. GEORGE Four hours. JERRY More heavy gravy? (Celia is sleeping ) GEORGE (playing with toys) Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. ( Kramer's apartment) NEWMAN Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know. I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference. KRAMER Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest? NEWMAN We've got no one! KRAMER We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool. (pulls the plug and the show goes dark) NEWMAN What about a guest-host? KRAMER I'll pretend I didn't hear that. ( Veterinarian's office) MIRANDA Doctor, how's the squirrel? GEORGE Is he dead? DOCTOR No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him? MIRANDA Yes he would. DOCTOR You have 30 minutes. (exits) GOERGE So ... uh, squirrel. (Doctor enters) DOCTOR One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow. GEORGE What's that? DOCTOR Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home. GEORGE He has no home. He's a squirrel. DOCTOR Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits) (Monk's) JERRY Maybe it'll be fun having a pet. GEORGE It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep! (Kramer enters) KRAMER Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set. JERRY What about my "questionable material"? KRAMER Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler! JERRY Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment? KRAMER Well, I practically raised his kids. GEORGE That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by? KRAMER What? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, but maybe another time, all right? (exits) GEORGE I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic! (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved. JERRY Tic-Tacs worked? ELAINE He's a human maraca. GEORGE Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game. ELAINE You took him over to Celia's? JERRY What? It's a victimless crime. ELAINE What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of? JERRY Okay, one victim. ELAINE I think it's unconscionable. GEORGE Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven. ELAINE EZ Bake oven? (Celia's apartment) ELAINE Who wants cupcake? GEORGE Oh, me, me, me, me, me! JERRY You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old. FRANK (on TV) You step on it and it flushes. ELAINE Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop? ESTELLE (on TV) Stop squirming. GEORGE Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me. JERRY You're like eight years old. ESTELLE (on TV) Georgie. GEORGE I was seven and a half. ( Elaine's office) PETERMAN That noise. that's the noise. ELAINE What? PETERMAN That inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine! ELAINE No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me! PETERMAN That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you? ELAINE No Mister Peterman. PETERMAN Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits) (Coffee room) ELAINE Lou! In here! We have to talk. LOU Oh, right. ELAINE (Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these. LOU Why? ELAINE Because they're turning your teeth green? LOU I only buy the white ones. ELAINE Okay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash. LOU I can't. It burns my cankers. ELAINE Binacca? LOU Again. ELAINE Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum! LOU I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that about 20 years ago. ELAINE Well, stinky, this is your lucky day. ( Kramer's apartment) KRAMER Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler. FOWLER Where are the cameras? KRAMER But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that? JERRY It was great! I've done it a few more time since then. KRAMER And she doesn't know anything about this? JERRY No, not a thing. NEWMAN laughs KRAMER Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia! CELIA What kind of a sick twisted creep are you? NEWMAN AND KRAMER Woah. JERRY What is this? What is she doing here? KRAMER It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it. CELIA If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy! NEWMAN Go girl! JERRY Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine? NEWMAN AND KRAMER Ohhh! (George enters with the squirrel) GEORGE Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! KRAMER George I told you we're booked! FOWLER Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together. KRAMER Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over. FOWLER No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels! KRAMER Are we getting this? (Monk's) JERRY So the whole set was destroyed? KRAMER Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing. GEORGE Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set. KRAMER I tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set. MIRANDA I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits) JERRY So the squirrel's gonna make it? GEORGE Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch. JERRY Sleeping on the couch? So you're... GEORGE Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last think I heard ... we have NO DEAL! ( Celia's ) CELIA I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone. ELAINE Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey? CELIA Who's he? (Lou) ELAINE Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a. THE END

THE ABSTINENCE

THE ABSTINENCE Written by Steve Koren (Jerry and George are sitting outside.) GEORGE Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes. JERRY Why are we flyin' over the Andes? GEORGE We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive? JERRY Kramer. GEORGE So fast? What about me? JERRY No. GEORGE Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy. JERRY Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you. GEORGE Well I would eat you. JERRY That's very nice, I guess. GEORGE I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend. JERRY Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you. GEORGE Thank you. JERRY Can I have a piece of that? GEORGE No. (George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.) LOUISE George, I can't have sex. GEORGE With me or in general? LOUISE I went to the doctor today. I have mono. GEORGE Nucleosis. LOUISE Oh I hope it's not a problem for you. GEORGE No, no, pff... LOUISE How long is this not gonna be a problem for me? (Jerry's apartment...) JERRY Six weeks? GEORGE Yeah, six weeks. JERRY Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before. GEORGE I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility. JERRY Well, so, are you gonna break up with her? GEORGE I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys. JERRY What guys? GEORGE Like us. (Elaine enters) JERRY Yeah. GEORGE So it's just mono. ELAINE Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached. JERRY I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked. ELAINE No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk. JERRY Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk. GEORGE No something is bunk and then you debunk it. JERRY What? ELAINE Huh? GEORGE I think. (Pause as they all look down) ELAINE Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings) JERRY Hello? KATIE Jerry. JERRY Oh hi, Katie. KATIE Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry. JERRY I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high. KATIE Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry. JERRY Yes, all right, Katie. KATIE Sorry for the late notice. JERRY Yes, bye. KATIE You're the-- (He hangs up) GEORGE They asked you to do career day? JERRY Yeah, it's no big deal. GEORGE Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series. JERRY And you were integral. (Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.) TEACHER Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here. JERRY I'm on next, right? TEACHER Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo... JERRY The guy with the lizard. TEACHER Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love him. And we're outta time. TEACHER So can you come back tomorrow? JERRY I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day? (Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.) ELAINE So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake? BEN I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor. ELAINE Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you. BEN Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam. ELAINE When do you take this exam? BEN I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one. ELAINE Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor. BEN Well, um... ELAINE Well, can I introduce you as doctor? BEN Yeah. ELAINE All right, that's all I wanted to know. LOUISE Mono. (George removes hand) GEORGE It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night. JERRY So you're enjoying the not enjoying. GEORGE you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person. JERRY I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, buddy. How was career day? JERRY Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long. GEORGE You got bumped from career day? JERRY It was a mix-up, I'm sure. KRAMER They're trying to screw with your head. JERRY Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head? KRAMER Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know. GEORGE Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here. KRAMER No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over) LARRY Take it outside. KRAMER Come on, Larry. You know me. LARRY It bothers people, and it's against the law. JERRY You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people. KRAMER What, did they kick you out too? MAN Yeah, they kicked us all out. TEACHER Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker? JERRY No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about? TEACHER Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone! JERRY But I was promised this slot. TEACHER Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line) JERRY Fire drill, can you believe that? GEORGE What is Pericles? ALEX TREBEK Pericles is correct. JERRY Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey, you got any matches? JERRY Middle drawer. GEORGE Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? ALEX TREBEK We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.' KRAMER Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings) JERRY Hello? KATIE Jerry. JERRY Oh hi, Katie. KATIE I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional. JERRY Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem. GEORGE What is Borax? ALEX TREBEK Yes, you're right. KATIE They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Ashtrays? JERRY No, I don't have any ashtrays. KRAMER Ooh, cereal bowls. KATIE Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it. JERRY No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone) KRAMER All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves) GEORGE What is Tungsten or Wolfram? ALEX TREBEK We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'. JERRY Is this a repeat? GEORGE No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise. JERRY Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus. GEORGE You think? JERRY Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce) GEORGE Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters) KRAMER Need some more matches. JERRY What is goin' on in there? KRAMER I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke. JERRY Why? KRAMER Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being. JERRY It doesn't? KRAMER Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society. JERRY why not? KRAMER Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry. JERRY All right. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman? BEN I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with a man) ELAINE Oh my God. BEN What's wrong? ELAINE It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face) SUE ELLEN Elaine? Hi. ELAINE Oh hi, Sue Ellen. SUE ELLEN Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums. ELAINE Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen. BEN Well, I'm an intern. ELAINE Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor. WOMAN Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help? ELAINE Well, there's a doctor right here. BEN No there's not. ELAINE Can't you at least tell him what to do? BEN Like what? SUE ELLEN Shouldn't he elevate his legs? BEN Right. Elevate your legs! ELAINE I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped. LARRY I thought he was a doctor. ELAINE Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.) GEORGE Of course. Absolute zero! ELAINE What? What is with all these books? GEORGE I stopped having sex. KRAMER All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey. JERRY Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there? KRAMER Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters) KATIE Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone. JERRY I was out. KATIE Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly. JERRY An assembly? KATIE Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade-- JERRY I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours? KATIE And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James. JERRY Superfreak? KATIE Yes. ELAINE What is your answer to number 74? BEN Medobolic acidosis. ELAINE No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh! BEN Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing. ELAINE Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex. GEORGE Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated. JETER Now who are you again? GEORGE George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary. WILLIAMS Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee? GEORGE Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games? JETER We won the World Series. GEORGE In six games. JERRY ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you. GEORGE Nine minutes. JERRY How am I gonna fill two hours? GEORGE Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee. JERRY And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table) WAITRESS More coffee? GEORGE Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent? WAITRESS Si GEORGE Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor. WAITRESS Mute pragalas senor GEORGE Eh, don't mention it. ELAINE Portuguese? GEORGE Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up. ELAINE How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese? JERRY Are you all right? ELAINE I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good. JERRY Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you. ELAINE What? What are you talking about? JERRY To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid. ELAINE I don't understand. JERRY Exactly. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night. JERRY What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt. KRAMER What? KRAMER My face is all craggly, it's crinkly. JERRY It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect? KRAMER Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face. JERRY And your teeth, your teeth are all brown. KRAMER Look away, I'm hideous. ELAINE Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank. B Pooh! ELAINE Pooh...(laughing) B No, it's Winnie the Pooh. LOUISE So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know. JERRY So what did you do? GEORGE I told her I would have to think about it. JERRY But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right? GEORGE I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way. JERRY You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances. GEORGE Simple joke from a simple man. JERRY So you're never gonna have sex again? GEORGE Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway. JERRY So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees? GEORGE Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye. JERRY I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks. JACKIE My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu. JACKIE Oh no. KRAMER Jackie we gotta talk. JACKIE No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out. KRAMER But Jackie-- JACKIE I said out. KRAMER Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies. JACKIE The who? KRAMER The tobacco companies. JACKIE I've been wanting a piece of them for years. JACKIE Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance? KRAMER No, it didn't say anything. JACKIE So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting. KRAMER So Jackie, do you think we gotta case? JACKIE Your face is my case. JERRY How ya doin'? ELAINE Not good. I'm a moron. JERRY Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine. ELAINE Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes? JERRY What for? Oh come on. ELAINE I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you. JERRY I think it has something to do with me. ELAINE You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want. JERRY (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird. ELAINE Oh, all right. Is Kramer home? GEORGE You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry-- LOUISE George, I have to have sex. GEORGE I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom. LOUISE Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves) GEORGE What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches) WAITRESS Mas Caf�? GEORGE Si, por favor. JACKIE Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak. KRAMER Who could love me? WILKIE I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity. JACKIE Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head. WILKIE All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits) KRAMER Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich. JACKIE You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement. ELAINE Congratulations! You passed! BEN Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other anymore. ELAINE What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor? BEN I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor. ELAINE Look it, are we going to have sex, or not? KATIE Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Where have you been? You know, you're on next. GEORGE I got lost on the way over. JERRY Got lost? We went to school here for three years. GEORGE What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader. JERRY Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise! GEORGE No, the Portuguese waitress. JERRY The Portuguese waitress? GEORGE I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry. KATIE George, George, you're on. GEORGE No, no. I'm not going on. JERRY Then what'd you come down here for? GEORGE Tell you about the Portuguese waitress. JERRY It's good to have you back. KATIE One of you has to go on. JERRY All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos) KRAMER It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks. JACKIE It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet. KRAMER Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow. JACKIE A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow. KRAMER She made an offer. I took it. JACKIE How much? KRAMER No, no, no. There was no money. JACKIE No money? Then what'd we get? KRAMER Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it) JACKIE This is the most public yet of my many humiliations. JERRY Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night. LETTERMAN Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard? JERRY: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A . LETTERMAN those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy? JERRY Jerry. LETTERMAN Right. Jerry. THE END

THE SOUL MATE

THE SOUL MATE Written by Peter Mehlman George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation. GEORGE You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?! WYCK Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George? GEORGE I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.) WYCK Pardon? GEORGE (mutters it again) WYCK Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident. (George looks at Wyck suspiciously.) New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day. JERRY He cleared his throat? GEORGE Yes! JERRY So? GEORGE He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident." JERRY Not getting it. GEORGE Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan! JERRY Oh, help me, Rhonda. GEORGE What time is it? JERRY 1:15. GEORGE Right now? JERRY I gotta go meet Pam. GEORGE Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'? JERRY Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga. GEORGE Where's Elaine? JERRY She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now? GEORGE What's with all these people having babies? JERRY Perpetuation of the species. GEORGE Yeah! Right! JERRY By the way, just for the record - GEORGE No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.) Commercial break. New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa. CAROL ...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good! ELAINE Well, that's...that's sweet. GAIL Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful. CAROL Elaine, you gotta have a baby! ELAINE Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day... LISA Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already. ELAINE I really like the city. CAROL The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam? ELAINE Uh, it was in the Hamptons. CAROL Oh! I have pictures! ELAINE No, no, that's okay, it's uh... CAROL Look at him! Just look at him! (Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.) New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving Monk's. JERRY So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day... GEORGE Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy? JERRY You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick? GEORGE Jerry Lewis? JERRY I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him. GEORGE That's pretty paranoid. JERRY Yes, it is. GEORGE I like it! JERRY I thought you might. New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters. PAM Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore. KRAMER Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.) PAM Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.) JERRY Hi, sorry I'm late. PAM That's okay. Kramer let me in. JERRY You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie. PAM Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you. (Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him, and makes a delighted noise.) New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment. KRAMER I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman. NEWMAN Go on. KRAMER Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend. NEWMAN Ah, yes. Forbidden love. KRAMER She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam. NEWMAN "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching. KRAMER I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.) NEWMAN Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.) KRAMER She has delicate beauty. NEWMAN Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head. KRAMER And yet, he's my friend. NEWMAN And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth. KRAMER Aw, that's beautiful, Newman. NEWMAN One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess. KRAMER I thought we were talking about me. NEWMAN Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry. KRAMER Confront Jerry? I can't. NEWMAN You must! KRAMER I won't! NEWMAN You will! New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand. ELAINE "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh. GEORGE Where are all the poetry magazines? ELAINE The New Yorker has poetry. GEORGE Yes. The New Yorker. JERRY Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much? ELAINE They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent. JERRY C'mon, you want to have a baby. ELAINE Why? Because I can? JERRY It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better? ELAINE Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk! KEVIN I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying. ELAINE Oh, I'm sorry. KEVIN No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies. ELAINE Yeah, like you must procreate. KEVIN Besides, anyone can do it. ELAINE Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles) New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. GEORGE I, uh, should have a poem very soon now. WYCK Are you okay, George? GEORGE No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.) (George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.) Cut back to the Foundation meeting. WYCK ...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.) GEORGE Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.) New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop. ELAINE So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian? KEVIN Not at all. ELAINE 'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh... KRAMER Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes. ELAINE Oh. Are you alright? KRAMER Yeah, I'll be okay. ELAINE You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage. KRAMER Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam. ELAINE Oh, no...that won't last. KRAMER What do you mean? ELAINE He's not ga-ga. (Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.) New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night with the briefcase. GEORGE Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken. JERRY How long did you leave it up there? GEORGE Five minutes. What the hell happened here? JERRY Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue. GEORGE I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright. (George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.) JERRY Is that it? GEORGE Stopped dead. JERRY What do you make of it? GEORGE I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.) KRAMER Jerry. Uh, can we talk? GEORGE Kinda busy here. KRAMER I'd like to talk to Jerry in private. GEORGE Why can't I stay? KRAMER Because it doesn't concern you. GEORGE Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.) JERRY So, what's on your mind? KRAMER It's Pam. JERRY Pam? What about Pam? KRAMER I love her, Jerry! JERRY You what? KRAMER I love her! JERRY Is that right? KRAMER Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. JERRY What does that mean? KRAMER Oh, and that voice! JERRY What about her name? KRAMER Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam! JERRY She's got really nice hair. KRAMER Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those. JERRY You've got really specific tastes. KRAMER Oh, I know what I want, Jerry. JERRY She's got nice calves. KRAMER Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so... JERRY Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points. KRAMER No you can't, Jerry. JERRY But I might. KRAMER Oh, no you don't. JERRY Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon? KRAMER What...? JERRY I think I can! I even like the name! Pam! KRAMER Huh? JERRY Pam! KRAMER Huh? JERRY Pam! KRAMER Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.) Commercial break. New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment. KRAMER So now he wants her more than ever! NEWMAN Blast! KRAMER What am I gonna do, huh? NEWMAN Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine. KRAMER What, again with you? NEWMAN Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments. KRAMER If only I could say things like that around her. NEWMAN Yes... New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to the briefcase tape. ELAINE Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'... GEORGE Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'! ELAINE ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.' GEORGE It's baffling, isn't it? ELAINE Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase? GEORGE They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.) JERRY That Pam! I am ga-ga over her! ELAINE Ga-ga? When did that happen? JERRY Yesterday. Six-ish. ELAINE Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself. JERRY You just met the guy yesterday. ELAINE Yeah, but we have a common goal. JERRY A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids. ELAINE Yeah, of course. JERRY Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman. ELAINE Oh, please. He wouldn't say that. GEORGE Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French." JERRY I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs. GEORGE I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family. New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where Pam works. NEWMAN With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.) PAM Oh, hi! Kramer. NEWMAN Hi. How are you? KRAMER Hi. How are you? PAM I'm great. NEWMAN I too am well. KRAMER I too am well. NEWMAN Do I smell Pantene? KRAMER Do I smell? NEWMAN Pantene! KRAMER Uh, Pantene. PAM Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail. KRAMER Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but... NEWMAN ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards... KRAMER Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.) PAM What? KRAMER Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance. PAM That's so true. KRAMER Her bouquet cleaved his hardened... NEWMAN Shell. KRAMER ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell. PAM Kramer, that is so lovely. KRAMER It's by an unknown 20th-century poet. PAM Oh, what's his name? KRAMER Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.) New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment. KEVIN Elaine, you've changed my life. ELAINE Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not. KEVIN I got a vasectomy this morning. ELAINE Although, I have a hunch you mean it. New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore. JERRY I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy. PAM Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.) JERRY'S BRAIN A velvet scrunchie! JERRY Kramer! New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman coming out of Kramer's place. JERRY Hello, Newman. NEWMAN Hello, Jerry. How's Pam? JERRY Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.) NEWMAN Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.) JERRY Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.) JERRY Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.) NEWMAN Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this. JERRY Why not? NEWMAN Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.) JERRY C'mon. (They exit.) New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment. JERRY I can't believe I'm losing Pam! NEWMAN I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine. JERRY I thought we were talking about me. NEWMAN Right. JERRY Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.) NEWMAN Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"? JERRY Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer? NEWMAN Well, there is a little something you can do for me... JERRY C'mon, out with it. NEWMAN It's about...Elaine. JERRY Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no... NEWMAN You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use! JERRY Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.) Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment. KEVIN I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it. ELAINE I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids. KEVIN What was that? ELAINE Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent. KEVIN This is! Oh boy, I always do this. ELAINE What? KEVIN Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it. ELAINE Really? KEVIN Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage. ELAINE You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time... KEVIN Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids! ELAINE Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short. KEVIN Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short. ELAINE Yeah! KEVIN Yeah! New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought over a model of the conference room at the Foundation. GEORGE This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale. JERRY When did you build this thing? GEORGE Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room... JERRY Wait, that's you? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY I really think the M&M should be you. GEORGE Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape. JERRY And? GEORGE Okay. That's what we know. JERRY But we already knew that. GEORGE Well, yeah. JERRY Just give me some idea of what you think it could be. GEORGE I don't know if you're ready for it. JERRY Please. GEORGE I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never - JERRY Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah? VOICE ON SPEAKER It's Pam. JERRY C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.' GEORGE I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.) PAM What was that? JERRY We were just playin.' PAM Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today... JERRY Uh huh... PAM Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.) KRAMER I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning! JERRY This is the man you have a crush on? PAM Well, I have feelings for both of you. KRAMER How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates. JERRY Why can't I be a soul mate? KRAMER Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children? PAM Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children. (Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.) New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation. GEORGE There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder. WYCK George... GEORGE You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck. WYCK George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder? GEORGE Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that. New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her hair short. ELAINE What are you guys doing here? JERRY We're getting vasectomies. ELAINE Why? NEWMAN I'm doing it for you. ELAINE What? JERRY What'd you do to your hair? ELAINE I cut it. JERRY It's a little short. KEVIN Y'think? JERRY What are you doing here? ELAINE Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed. JERRY AND NEWMAN Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.) Commercial break. New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation. GEORGE ...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell. WYCK Is that a Keats poem? GEORGE No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.) WYCK Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan? MR. CROSS Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her. MS. BAINES Of course he killed her. WYCK So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business. THE END

THE STOCK TIP

THE STOCK TIP Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?!" I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. GEORGE I never heard him say anything really funny. JERRY But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor. GEORGE You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. JERRY Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth? GEORGE I don't know but he ain't funny. (Elaine joins them, they check their watches.) ELAINE I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late. JERRY No problem. ELAINE I dropped a grape. GEORGE Pardon? ELAINE I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went. JERRY Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it. ELAINE No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I'm going out with - JERRY Robert. ELAINE Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two cats and I'm allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can't even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won't even go away fro the weekend because of these cats. GEORGE Guys with cats.. I don't know. JERRY I've been thinking about asking this girl I'm, uh, seeing - ELAINE Vanessa. JERRY Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days. GEORGE Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to advise against that. What do you know this woman, a month? Let's see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon. ELAINE (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it. GEORGE (To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? (Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.) JERRY You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. (Elaine laughs) There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel. GEORGE (To himself) Up again?! This is incredible. I'm.. I'm getting it. ELAINE You're getting what? GEORGE A stock. JERRY What stock? GEORGE Did you ever meet my friend, Simons? JERRY Maybe. GOERGE He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he's got some new thing - you know, there's supposed to be a big merger. He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too. JERRY How high's it suppose to go? GEORGE I don't know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it? JERRY Boy.. I don't know. ELAINE I'd do it but I don't have any money. JERRY What kind of company is it? GEORGE It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind of technique for televising opera. ELAINE Televising opera? GEORGE Some sort of electronic thingy. JERRY Well, how much are you going to invest? GEORGE (Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand.. Five thousand. JERRY Boy.. GEORGE C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested in this stock. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it. JERRY What if I lose it? GEORGE C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll do it together. Come on, come on. We're in it together. JERRY (gives in) All right -- twenty-five hundred. GEORGE That's it. (Waitress arrives) WAITRESS Yeah, can I take your order? GEORGE (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser. JERRY My bet? All right.. I'll open with a tuna sandwich. ELAINE Tuna? JERRY Oh, the dolphin thing? ELAINE They're dying in the nets. JERRY Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. ELAINE Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? JERRY Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll have a chicken salad. ELAINE And I'm going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee. WAITRESS Okay. (To George) What about you? GEORGE I'll have the tuna. (Scene ends.) (A Korean Market) JERRY I have to say. Those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me. VANESSA Why didn't you do something? JERRY What do you want me to do? I have the guy the half-turn. Then I have him the full-turn with the eye roll! I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? STOCK BOY No puffs. Just flakes. JERRY Have you thought any more about that trip? VANESSA Yeah, I've been thinking about it. JERRY You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont. VANESSA I don't know. I just worry about trips like this.. It's a lot of pressure. JERRY It's great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps) three days. VANESSA Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two..? JERRY Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased call frequency, walking around naked.. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two. VANESSA (Starting to like the idea) Really? Could we go fishing up there? JERRY Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin? VANESSA They have marlin in Vermont? JERRY Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry picks up a paper) VANESSA Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down. JERRY I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different.. sources. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is looking at the paper) JERRY Is that my paper? KRAMER Bad news, my friend. JERRY What? What news? KRAMER Sendrax. JERRY Oh, c'mon! It's down again?! KRAMER Two and a half points. JERRY Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that. (Looks at the paper) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money! KRAMER Hey, I told ya. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me. KRAMER It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win. JERRY (Holding the phone, calling George) There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you? (Into phone) George Costanza, please. KRAMER Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! JERRY (Into phone) George, what's going on?! KRAMER Sell it, just say I'm selling! JERRY (Into phone) Well, where is the guy?! Nothing? Almost half my money's gone.. Well, call me right back. (Hangs up) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days! KRAMER You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. JERRY Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one? KRAMER Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up. JERRY Okay. KRAMER You just (makes noise) tear it off, and you got a new one right here. Then you're gone. JERRY You're gone alright. KRAMER (Looking at map) Hey, where.. where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map.. what.. JERRY Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days. KRAMER Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. JERRY What friends? KRAMER Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings) KRAMER Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give him a look) 'Cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know, they're anarchists. They're.. they're.. they're.. huge. (Jerry answers phone) JERRY George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well, what's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to you later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the guy who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital. (Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face) (Scene ends) (Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line) JERRY So you don't know what's wrong with him? GEORGE All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital. JERRY Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him? GEORGE Of course he's been in touch with him. He's left two messages. He just hasn't heard back yet, that's all. JERRY Well, this is it. I'm selling. GEORGE Just give it a little more time. JERRY I never should've gotten involved in this. I'm a nervous wreck. I"m not cut out for investing. GEORGE Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna go down there. JERRY Where? GEORGE To the hospital. JERRY The hospital? GEORGE I'm going to find out what's going on. Alright? JERRY Are you nuts? You don't even know they guy. GEORGE So what? I'll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I'll work my way around to it. JERRY What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (knocking on glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (makes hissing sound) By the way, what's happening with Sendrax?" GEORGE Maybe he's resting. JERRY Who goes to the hospital to rest? GEORGE What are you, a doctor? JERRY Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there? GEORGE Today. I'm going today. Just don't do anything until you hear from me. JERRY Alright. (Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't notice) GEORGE (To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom. (Woman gives him a look) DRY CLEANER May I help you? JERRY Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it. DRY CLEANER When did you bring it in? JERRY What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?! DRY CLEANER You got a receipt? JERRY I can't find the receipt. DRY CLEANER You should get the receipt. JERRY Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?! DRY CLEANER Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? JERRY What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money?! In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt. DRY CLEANER Maybe you asked for it to be washed? JERRY No.. dry-cleaned. DRY CLEANER Let me explain to you something. Okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing.. JERRY (Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it! DRY CLEANER I shrunk it. (Scene ends.) (Night club) JERRY I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It's not our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (brushes shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a lot of shirts today." (Jerry's apartment) (Elaine sneezes) JERRY Bless you. ELAINE Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene. JERRY So what are you gonna do? ELAINE I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? JERRY Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? ELAINE What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks? JERRY I'm no cat killer. ELAINE How about we go over there right now and we shave them? JERRY I'd really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go. ELAINE He actually wen to the hospital? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Oh man, he's nuts. JERRY Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper) I know, I know. It's down again. KRAMER How much are you down altogether? JERRY I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars. KRAMER Wow. JERRY You don't have to say "Wow." I know it's "Wow." And there's that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes) JERRY It's George. (Presses button to let George in.) (Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars and looks ou the window) KRAMER Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. JERRY I really don't need to look. KRAMER What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me. JERRY Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too - a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up. KRAMER I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her. (leaves) (Enter George; he flops onto the couch) JERRY What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen? (George shakes his head "no".) How long were you there? GEORGE Fifteen seconds. JERRY You told him you knew Simons? GEORGE Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I'll tell you one thing.. I don't know what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong. (Elaine exits bathroom) JERRY Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont. I don't want to think about this. I'm selling. ELAINE Didn't work, huh? GEORGE (Laughs) Not quite. ELAINE Well, what are you gonna do about the stock? GEORGE I'm keeping it. I'm going down with the ship. (Scene ends.) (Country Inn) JERRY So I know this guy. I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now. VANESSA I know. You mentioned it. JERRY Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day! I've got nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it? VANESSA No, it's got a little battery. JERRY Well, that's good. (To himself) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don't care. (To Vanessa) That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another room? VANESSA No, it's okay. JERRY So, I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and cold - charming? VANESSA Not especially. JERRY Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon? VANESSA What can we do? It's raining. JERRY We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (To Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you're wearing? VANESSA Oh, you've never heard of it. JERRY No, what? What kind is it? VANESSA I can't tell you. JERRY (To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out loud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir. Could I have a look at that business section? VANESSA That stock? I thought you got out of that? JERRY I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost a week. I want to check it out. (finds stock) Six points. It's up six points! VANESSA I told you not to sell. JERRY You did not tell me not to sell. VANESSA I said, the market fluctuates. Remember? JERRY Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! VANESSA That's probably why.. (stops herself) JERRY What? VANESSA Forget it. JERRY No, what? 'That's probably why..' VANESSA That's probably why we're staying here, because you lost money on the stock. JERRY (To himself) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that purfume.. (Scene ends.) (Coffee shop) GEORGE Have something else. C'mon, have a little dessert? JERRY I'm good, thanks. GEORGE Elaine, get something! It's all taken care of. ELAINE I'm kinda full. GEORGE So don't finish it. JERRY (acidly) She's full. (George puts up his hands in an "excuse me" gesture.) So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little trasaction there? All told? GEORGE I don't like to discuss figures. JERRY How much? GEORGE I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up. JERRY So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now? GEORGE No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job. (Elaine sneezes) JERRY Is taht still from the cats? ELAINE No, I just have a cold. JERRY So, what ever happened with that? ELAINE I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs) GEORGE He chose the cats? ELAINE They're very clean animals. JERRY I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat. ELAINE Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume. GEORGE I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont. ELAINE Superman can go back in time? JERRY We went over that. GEORGE Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.. Petramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of robot butcher. JERRY A robot butcher? GOERGE Shhhhh. If you want to get in - there's very little time. (Calling to waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check, George stops her) No, no, no. That' ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave, George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at the check, then take some money out of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come on, come on.. (Scene ends.) (Night club) JERRY I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go." THE END

THE CARTOON

THE CARTOON Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan (Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking) JERRY So you're saying UNICEF is a scam? KRAMER It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change. JERRY Oh! No it's Sally Weaver. We see Sally from a distance. KRAMER Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh? JERRY No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress. KRAMER Hmmm, Dramatica comedia heh! JERRY Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing. KRAMER Euh.. We don't go to enough theater. JERRY She should just give up. She recognizes them. JERRY Heeyyy!... SALLY Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm on my way to an audition... still waiting for that big break. KRAMER Why don't you just give up? JERRY Kramer!!! KRAMER At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us? Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless JERRY So......Susan's dead..... At Monk's KRAMER I think she was happy someone finally said it. JERRY Why'd you have to say anything to her? KRAMER 'felt that the conversation was lagging. JERRY Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut? KRAMER I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place. Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves. ELAINE You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have. JERRY What did you wanna be? ELAINE I don't remember , but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this. JERRY I don't either. ELAINE And you're on the fringe of the humor business. George comes in GEORGE Hey! ELAINE Hey! George look at this. GEORGE That's cute. ELAINE You got it? GEORGE No , never mind. ELAINE Come on , We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office. JERRY It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there. ELAINE The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail". GEORGE Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner . ELAINE It's a page number. GEORGE Well , I can't crack this one. ELAINE Aahh! this has got to be a mistake. GEORGE try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet should be here any minute. JERRY You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her? GEORGE Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose ELAINE We know what a face consists of. Janet arrives Janet; I'm sorry I'm late. George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet. JANET Nice to meet you. ELAINE Hi! Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie? George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy. George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they leave. ELAINE Jerry , She looks exactly like you. JERRY She does not. ELAINE Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care. To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch. JERRY Hey! Kramer. KRAMER hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting the business, you ruined her life. JERRY What! You're the one who ruined her life. KRAMER Well that's not how she remembers it. JERRY Well , I got to talk her out of this. Kramer; I thought you said she stinks JERRY She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry. Door buzzer rings JERRY Yeah... GEORGE Hey! George and Janet. KRAMER Aahh...Who's Janet? JERRY George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say ,kookie talk. Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne. ALL Hey, Hey! KRAMER And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie. GEORGE Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry JANET well maybe we do look a little like each other. GEORGE No..hummm , What do you know about what you look like. KRAMER C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry. George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye. JANET We just got here George GEORGE Well,,, it's getting dark. They leave. KRAMER yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though. Jerry slaps him in the back. JERRY What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I KRAMER Well how should I have "broached the subject" JERRY You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut. KRAMER Well sounds like someone's having a bad day. JERRY Yeah! Because of you. KRAMER Well, I think one of us should leave. They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to Monks. JERRY Sally ,you can't quit the business. This is all because of me. SALLY (nods) Hehumm!! JERRY You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We like magic. SALLY Really? JERRY Of course , I stink , you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks.. SALLY Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties. JERRY All right , I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else. SALLY Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food) JERRY NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry) Back to Jerry's place , evening. ELAINE Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. JERRY Oh! I think we're at the bottom. ELAINE (to George who just came in) Hey! George , Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman. GEORGE What does that mean? JERRY Yeah. What does that mean? GEORGE (to Jerry) What do you mean by that? ELAINE Enjoy. ( she leaves) Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely.. GEORGE Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?.. JERRY No.... GEORGE Why would I... Jerry; It's ludicrous.. GEORGE Yes. JERRY For either one of us.. GEORGE No... Jerry; So... GEORGE Exactly. JERRY I'm not gay. GEORGE ...neither am I. BOTH Kramer, Kramer , get in here. GEORGE Where's the crazy man , Come on up. JERRY Come on in here. AS Kramer steps out and comes in GEORGE Haaaaaa!!! JERRY What's happening? What, you doing , come and talk to us. KRAMER I've made an important life decision. JERRY Lets talk about that. GEORGE Don't leave (George slams the door) KRAMER Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry GEORGE What's the decision? KRAMER I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again. JERRY Yeah right. KRAMER What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence. GEORGE Silence YES!! Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking. KRAMER Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch. Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying) JERRY Well what does this mean? KRAMER Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry. GEORGE (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , SHUT UP,...(then leaves) KRAMER That's the idea. JERRY Kramer there's no way you stick to this. KRAMER (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!! JERRY Oh! you just startin' now? Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now. Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!! Next day at the New Yorker MR. ELINOFF So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog? ELAINE Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier ,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one Elaine shows him the cartoon MR. ELINOFF Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think. ELAINE Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email? MR. ELINOFF Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm.. Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny? MR. ELINOFF Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her) ELAINE But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him) MR. ELINOFF It's a slice of life. ELAINE No it isn't. MR. ELINOFF Pun? ELAINE I don,t think so. MR ELINOFF Vorshtein? ELAINE That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you? MR ELINOFF No. ELAINE Then why did you print it. MR. ELINOFF I liked the kitty. ELAINE (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy. MR. ELINOFF Actually that's not bad.. ELAINE Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show? SALLY No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me ,oKay , a tear. Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts JERRY Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence) Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!... Applause, Sally starts her show SALLY Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks instead of feet. ( big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up) JERRY ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!! Next day at Jerry's ELAINE She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing. JERRY Good luck , It's sold out for the next three weeks. ELAINE Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker. JERRY The New Yorker? ELAINE Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE.... JERRY Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew ELAINE Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber. JERRY Nodding off... ELAINE ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons. JERRY Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw. ELAINE I do to. JERRY What , your sad little horsies , the house with the little curl of smoke , the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves) ELAINE It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane. JERRY Where did you see that? Those are private!!! Back to Monks, same day SALLY Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me? JERRY No ,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil. SALLY Well...That is the title. JERRY I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it. SALLY You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey. JERRY You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater) Newman shyly approaches the table NEWMAN Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times.. JERRY What a surprise. NEWMAN Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something. Kramer climbs into a cab DRIVER Where to? Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab. Evening at Janet's apt. GEORGE (we hear him think) My friends are idiots , she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry.. SALLY You know I really do look like your friend Jerry. GEORGE I know.... Back to Jerry's TV ANNOUNCER Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show. SALLY Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, Hands Across America. JERRY There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her SALLY ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating... JERRY Get Out of my House!!. Elaine walks in the door looking terrible ELAINE Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon. JERRY I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out. ELAINE That is not the point. JERRY some mouthwash , a hat , something. ELAINE Just read it! JERRY (glances at it) Pretty good. ELAINE Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny. JERRY It's a pig at a complain department. ELAINE And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint. JERRY I get it. ELAINE Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint. JERRY How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye. ELAINE Everything with you has to be so .. jokey. JERRY I'm a comedian. ELAINE I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real. JERRY Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks. ELAINE I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks , The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver. JERRY oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this. Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read. ELAINE The pig says "my wife is a slut." JERRY Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally , yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and.. Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message. JERRY ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together. JERRY (from the back of the club , leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns. Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment. SALLY To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You JERRY How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. ( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly. At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door. ELAINE Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? ( Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he. PETERMAN Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire. ELAINE Can I fix that after lunch sir? PETERMAN Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves) ELAINE (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it. DUGAN You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he leaves) Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much. ELAINE Oh! Do tell sir? Peterman It's a Ziggy! ELAINE A Ziggy? PETERMAN That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my archives. In a restaurant later that evening. GEORGE You know , you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks. JANET It's not? George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met , we had a great conversation. JANET I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party. GEORGE ....But after that we really talked didn't we? JANET Well ,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before. GEORGE Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened? JANET You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus. GEORGE Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it. JANET I like gum. GEORGE I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum. JANET I have gum in my hair. GEORGE I'm losin' it Back to Monks Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy , mind if I sit. My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back , Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person... KRAMER (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days. SALLY Well , lay it on me string bean. Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom. JANET Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed. GEORGE OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please. JANET George. George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt. GEORGE Your hair? JANET Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed George. ( George speeds out the door) GEORGE George is in big trouble.... At Jerry's the next day. JERRY You ripped off a Ziggy? ELAINE It must've seeped up my subconscious , Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today? JERRY I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real. Kramer comes in ELAINE Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on ( Kramer turns around to leave) JERRY Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this , now she's got nothing. SALLY (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me. JERRY That's right sister. Why don't you just give up? ELAINE Why are you yelling at the TV? SALLY ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues.. JERRY Elaine , have you been talking to her? ELAINE Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha... SALLY Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone? JERRY ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking?? KRAMER ...All right ..Starting now...... Credits Epilogue at Monks JERRY You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short? GEORGE like that (looking at Jerry) JERRY You mean like.. ( points to his hair) George; ..That. JERRY So she.. GEORGE Yes.. JERRY And you don't... GEORGE Nooo... Jerry; So... GEORGE Exactly.. JERRY Hmmmm... GEORGE We...must never ever speak of this again.. JERRY No , no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie? GEORGE Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave) JERRY I think that's for the best. THE END

THE SUBWAY

THE SUBWAY Written by Larry Charles (Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth) KRAMER All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R. ELAINE Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island? KRAMER Well, yeah... ELAINE Ok, what time is your job interview George? GEORGE 9:45 JERRY Remember, don't whistle on the elevator. GEORGE Why not? JERRY That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'. GEORGE What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature. ELAINE All right, I'm gonna go. JERRY What time is the lesbian wedding? ELAINE 9:30 GEORGE Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin? ELAINE Yeah, they flip a coin. GEORGE What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question. JERRY I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns) GEORGE I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're THINKING "That's why I'm not heterosexual". KRAMER Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go. JERRY Oh, I'm paying for breakfast? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats. On the Subway. GEORGE How many tickets are you paying today? KRAMER Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket) GEORGE No doors? KRAMER I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks. Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gets some change, except George. GEORGE I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out. VIOLIN PLAYER Thank you. GEORGE That guy is not blind. JERRY So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George? GEORGE I can't believe they actually found your stolen car. JERRY Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned. GEORGE That's amazing. JERRY So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me. GEORGE What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them. JERRY All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round? ELAINE I can't. I'm the best man. JERRY Kramer, bumper-cars? KRAMER I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you? JERRY Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone. SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train. They all get off and go to different directions. ELAINE See'ya. Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across him gives a look. George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to another. Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. Stumbles around as all seats get filled right before him. He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man. Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry falls in his seat. Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her. WOMAN You looking for a job? GEORGE Me, why? WOMAN Well, you're reading the classifieds. GEORGE Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter. WOMEN You didn't look like someone who needed a job. GEORGE Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep. WOMEN So, you're in 'the market'? GEORGE Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'. WOMEN Which market? GEORGE Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there. WOMEN So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses? GEORGE They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father. WOMAN Really? GEORGE Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back. Train horn blows and George looks back Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches her WOMAN I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand. ELAINE It's ironic. WOMEN What's ironic? ELAINE This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties. WOMAN No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean? ELAINE Oh... WOMAN Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party? ELAINE A wedding. WOMEN A wedding? ELAINE Yeah WOMAN Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women. ELAINE You're telling me. WOMAN So, are they a nice couple? ELAINE Oh, very nice. WOMAN What does he do, if you don't mind me asking? ELAINE She. WOMEN She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son. ELAINE There is no he. WOMEN There is no he. So, who's getting married? ELAINE Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding. WOMEN Lesbian wedding. ELAINE Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman. WOMEN My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves) ELAINE No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian! Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat. Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page. Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor. Man across gives him a look. Elaine's train. Train is full packed. ELAINE'S VOICE I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not. Train suddenly stops ELAINE'S VOICE Oh, man. We're stopping? George's train. WOMAN Well, this is where I get off. GEORGE Oh, you do? WOMAN Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing. GEORGE No, no, what, what? WOMAN Well, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something. GEORGE Yeah, well.... WOMAN Yeah I knew it was a bad idea. George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her GEORGE Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off. He gets stuck between closing doors. GEORGE I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!! Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking. MAN1 This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick. MAN2 How do you know it's going to win? MAN1 My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his a lock. MAN2 But it rained last night. MAN1 Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'. MAN2 His mudda' was a mudda'? MAN1 What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody. Kramer quickly turns away Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is naked and reading a paper. JERRY O-K. You realize of course, you're naked? NAKED MAN Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference. JERRY You oughta' sit here. There is a difference. NAKED MAN You got something against naked body? JERRY I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust? NAKED MAN Who's got time for squat thrusts? JERRY All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy. NAKED MAN I like a good breakfast. JERRY I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory. NAKED MAN I'm not ashamed of my body. JERRY That's your problem, you should be. Naked man drops half of his newspaper JERRY Don't get up, please, allow me. Jerry picks up the paper Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train. ELAINE'S VOICE Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!! Lights in the train go off George and the woman step in to a hotel room. GEORGE Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket. WOMAN Make your-self comfortable. She steps in to bathroom. GEORGE'S VOICE Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible. She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie. GEORGE Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable. Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy behind in the line. KRAMER Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him. GUY The bug boy. KRAMER Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden. GUY Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night. KRAMER Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'. GUY His father was a mudda'? KRAMER His mother was a mudda'. GUY His mother was a mudda'? KRAMER What did I just say? Kramer gets to the cashier KRAMER Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win. Jerry's train FG They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast. JS I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting. FG No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence. JS Defence? Please. ...They need speed. FG Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen. JS Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders. FG They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office. JS But you gotta like their chances. FG I LUV their chances. JS Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series. FG It's a deal! Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights. ELAINE'S VOICE Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train starts moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! Train stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!! George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed. GEORGE Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things. WOMAN Oh, don't worry. I do. She steps in to the bathroom GEORGE You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear. WOMAN Like what? GEORGE Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame" She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed GEORGE What's going on? WOMAN It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going. GEORGE Get going? But we haven't really, you know.... WOMAN Eight dollars? Eight dollars? GEORGE What are you doing? You're robbing me? WOMEN I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars? GEORGE Wait, wait a second, what are you doing? WOMAN I'm taking your clothes. GEORGE No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg . WOMAN Bye George. GEORGE No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again? Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and Pappanick is slowly making ground yes... The winner is Pappanick KRAMER Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier) Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around. There is a big thug looking at the money. Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes. The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of the train. I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years. JERRY First we ride the cyclone. Chilly out. Jerry takes a deep breath JERRY Aah, French fries. Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug picks Kramer up and looks for the money. THUG Give me the money. Give me the money! Police!" Back to the Monk's caf�. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth. JERRY No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed. ELAINE Too bad. JERRY You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won! Waves around a stuffed monkey JERRY You want him? ELAINE Get that out of my face. JERRY So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris! George enters wearing a sheet. GEORGE How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk? ELAINE George? JERRY Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator? GEORGE You have my spare-key in your apartment, right? JERRY Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer. GEORGE Give me your key, I gotta get it. KRAMER What happened? GEORGE Never mind what happened, just give me the key. JERRY Come on, I'll go with you. ELAINE Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry) KRAMER Wait, wait, wait... Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed. THE END

THE WAIT OUT

THE WAIT OUT Written by Peter Mehlman (The Coffee Shop) (Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth) JERRY New hairdo? ELAINE (Looking up from a menu) Yeah. JERRY You look like Brenda Starr. ELAINE Is that good? JERRY It's better than Dondi. (Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the room) ELAINE Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky. JERRY (Interested, still looking at the couple) Really? ELAINE Mm-hmm. JERRY You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner. ELAINE Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue) JERRY Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years. ELAINE Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on. (George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking lot) GEORGE This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces. (Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit) ELAINE Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine. GEORGE You have a car? ELAINE Well, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town. JERRY (Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive. GEORGE Me either. (David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth) BETH (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) Jerry? Elaine, Hi! ELAINE (Overly generous) Hi, David! JERRY Hi, Beth! BETH Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) this is my husband, David. GEORGE Oh, hi.. (They shake hands) DAVID Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right? GEORGE Yeah. Why, what do you do? DAVID Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor. GEORGE Really? BETH Mm-hm. DAVID Yeah. GEORGE (Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him. (George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at each other, taking in the awkward moment) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey. Mickey's reading a script) KRAMER Hey! JERRY Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on? MICKEY I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight. JERRY Really? KRAMER It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue) MICKEY Kramer's going to be my scene partner. JERRY Kramer? MICKEY He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to sit there. I'm playing a detective. KRAMER Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder. JERRY Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat) KRAMER (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh? JERRY (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time. KRAMER (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then. JERRY (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body. KRAMER (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy. (Mickey visibly rolls his eyes) JERRY Ehh, I dunno.. KRAMER Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face. Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry! (Elaine's car) (Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the passenger's seat, looks car sick) ELAINE God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?! (Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah.. JERRY (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver. ELAINE You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street) MAN Hey! JERRY (Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit! (Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages) ELAINE Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night! JERRY (Out of it) Huh? ELAINE They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic) (Monk's coffee shop) (Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth) ELAINE So, now, what is our move? What do we do? JERRY I don't know, but we don't have much time. ELAINE (Agreeing) Mm. JERRY The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage. ELAINE Right. JERRY It's like when someone dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action. ELAINE Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time. JERRY Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise. ELAINE (Nodding) Yeah, yeah.. JERRY But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates. ELAINE Then why are we calling? JERRY Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling? (Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply) ELAINE (Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, "I'm there for you." JERRY (Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there for you." ELAINE Then, after a period of being "there for you", we slowly remove the two words "for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!" gesture) "there". (Jerry's apartment) (George enters) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated. GEORGE Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you? JERRY What'd you say? GEORGE You know, that, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just bein' folksy. They could tell I was just being folksy..? ELAINE Yeah, I thought you were being folksy. GEORGE Totally folksy. (Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into the room. Elaine, Jerry, and George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them, and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh as Kramer throws the magazine back down) JERRY hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there? KRAMER Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees. ELAINE Kramer, they're painted on! KRAMER Well, they're slim-fit. JERRY Slim-fit? KRAMER (Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined. JERRY You're walkin' like Frankenstein! KRAMER (Making his way toward the door) What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut behind him) Alright, see you later. (Everyone stares after him) (Elaine's apartment) (Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner) ELAINE (Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens. (Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth) JERRY Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet? (Scene jumps back to Elaine) ELAINE Because it's really nobody's business. (Back to Jerry) JERRY Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you. (Cut back to Elaine) ELAINE "There" is, um.. anywhere you want me to be.. (Back to Jerry) JERRY Sure, dinner would be fine. (Back to Elaine) ELAINE And I could just be there. (Adding) For you. (Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic) KRAMER Jerry, you gotta help me! JERRY What's wrong? KRAMER I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume! JERRY Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off. KRAMER (Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck..

THE PIE

THE PIE Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Monk's coffee shop, evening) (Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner) AUDREY Hum! That was really good! JERRY Yeah. Are you full? AUDREY Oh no, I've had just enough. (Waitress brings dessert) JERRY Here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some. AUDREY No thanks. JERRY You're not gonna have any? AUDREY No (with a disgusted face) JERRY Do you not like apple pie? AUDREY No, it's not that. JERRY Well, at least taste it. AUDREY No (a resolute "no") JERRY You won't even taste it? AUDREY No. JERRY Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on! (still shaking) (scene ends) (Jerry's appartment, the next day) (Jerry and George) GEORGE Did she say why? JERRY No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey) GEORGE Maybe she's diabetic. JERRY No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse. GEORGE Maybe you said something that offended her. JERRY The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city. GEORGE Like at the airport? (getting excited) JERRY Yeah. GEORGE That's a great idea!!! JERRY Tell me about it! GEORGE We could be zipping all over the place. JERRY They could at least try it. GEORGE They never try anything. JERRY What's the harm? GEORGE No harm! (Elaine enters) JERRY (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie. ELAINE Who wouldn't taste a pie? JERRY Audrey. ELAINE Dump her. JERRY Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie??? ELAINE (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. JERRY You did? ELAINE He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness. GEORGE Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing? ELAINE I got a pebble. JERRY Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman? ELAINE What the hell does that mean? (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture) ELAINE What? Why? KRAMER Do it. Do it. This. ELAINE Like... (doing it) Like this? KRAMER Oh yeah! It's you! ELAINE What's me? KRAMER (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine. ELAINE Get out! KRAMER It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite. GEORGE Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin? KRAMER Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah... JERRY (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing) KRAMER It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushion didn't have any fabric on it. GEORGE Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there? KRAMER Real Boss! ELAINE I'm going down there. GEORGE I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday. ELAINE (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go. GEORGE All right. All right. (They both leave) KRAMER (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this? JERRY Keep it. (implied: please) (scene ends) (Rinitze) (George and Elaine stares at the mannequin) ELAINE It looks exactly like me. GEORGE It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine. ELAINE What's going on here? How do you think this happened? GEORGE Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh? ELAINE You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible? (the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit) SALESWOMAN (european accent) You are perfect for that suit. GEORGE You think so? ELAINE (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from? SALESWOMAN I don't know. GEORGE You really think this looks O.K. on me? SALESWOMAN Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have. ELAINE I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from? SALESWOMAN I told you, I don't know. ELAINE (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know? SALESWOMAN Why? ELAINE Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me. (saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine) ELAINE (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you. SALESWOMAN I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier dress. (George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about their dispute) ELAINE What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside. (Elaine leaves and waits outside) SALESWOMAN What is her problem? GEORGE Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag? SALESWOMAN Yes. GEORGE Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit) SALESWOMAN I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price. GEORGE So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me? SALESWOMAN Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers. GEORGE Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack) (scene ends) (Monk's) (Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth) ELAINE So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up. KRAMER How did they get your face? ELAINE I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello? JERRY (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie. WOMAN 1 That's right. JERRY And you waved it away. WOMAN 2 Right. JERRY Did you give her a reason? WOMAN 2 Yes, I was full. JERRY You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head. WOMAN 2 No, I'm not a psycho. JERRY Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is. ELAINE We certainly have. KRAMER Hey, Elaine scratch my back. ELAINE No way! KRAMER Come on, one lap around. ELAINE No. KRAMER It will be a funky adventure. ELAINE Kramer, forget it. KRAMER Jerry, how about you? JERRY I think you know my policy. KRAMER I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier) ELAINE I thought George was meeting us here? JERRY No he's going downtown to guard the suit. ELAINE He's guarding a suit? OLIVE (to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch? KRAMER Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa. OLIVE Turn around. KRAMER Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.) (scene ends) (Rinitze) SALESWOMAN (makes a guy trying the suit. His name is not mentionned but it seems to be Bob as it appears in the credits at the end of the episode.) It fits you perfectly. BOB You think so? (she nods and walks away) GEORGE (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you? BOB I'm buying the suit. GEORGE No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy) BOB Excuse me, do you work here? GEORGE (leaving the european accent) No. BOB Then what the hell business is it of yours? GEORGE Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday. BOB Really? This Monday? GEORGE Yes. Now take off those pants. SALESWOMAN Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday. BOB Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves) GEORGE (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it. (she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's really seeing Elaine naked) (scene ends) (Poppie's restaurant) (Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu) JERRY I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here? AUDREY Everything is delicious. JERRY You've tasted them? AUDREY Um-hmm, I think almost all of them. JERRY Oh I see they have apple pie. AUDREY Mmm-hmm. JERRY You've had the apple pie? AUDREY Many times. JERRY Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind. AUDREY Can we drop this? JERRY (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know? (Poppie comes to the table) AUDREY Ah! Poppie. POPPIE Sweetheart, hello. AUDREY Poppie, this is Jerry. POPPIE Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand) JERRY Hello Poppie. POPPIE Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves) JERRY The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves) (Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall) POPPIE Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey. (He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices it) (back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen with his hands in the dough, making dinner) AUDREY Jerry are you OK? JERRY Huh? AUDREY Is anything wrong? JERRY No, Nothing. AUDREY You look like you've seen a ghost. (Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles and winks at him) (scene ends) (Monk's) OLIVE (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow. (Kramer enters with flowers) KRAMER Hey. These are for you Olive. OLIVE Thank you. (They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back) KRAMER Ohh! (scene ends) (Poppie's) (Poppie serves dinner) POPPIE Here it is. AUDREY Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect. POPPIE (to Jerry) Well? AUDREY Jerry have some. (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") AUDREY You're not gonna taste it? (still shaking) AUDREY Jerry. (still shaking) (scene ends) (Jerry's appartment) (Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch) JERRY So she tought I did it to get back at her GEORGE Why didn't you just tell her? JERRY I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene. GEORGE How could he not have washed? JERRY Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something. GEORGE Yeah, just like I do. JERRY You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught. GEORGE Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave ti? JERRY We haven't spoken. (Kramer enters holding the spatula) KRAMER Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula) GEORGE Olive? KRAMER Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen. GEORGE I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes. KRAMER Is that Elaine mannequin still there? GEORGE Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was naked. JERRY Yeah, and Poppie's got problems... (scene ends) (Rinitze) (The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.) BOB Where is it? Where is it? GEORGE (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake. BOB You bastard! You hid the suit. GEORGE Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it. BOB I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay! GEORGE Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short. (scene ends) (Monks) (Jerry and Elaine at a booth) ELAINE So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects. JERRY Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested) ELAINE There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose. JERRY Hum... ok, what else you got? ELAINE OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list. JERRY Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it? ELAINE Because you have an attitude. (George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers) JERRY AND ELAINE Oh! JERRY Georgio! Nice duds! GEORGE You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think? JERRY Did you hear something? ELAINE Yeah, like a swoosh. JERRY Yeah. ELAINE It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound. (George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again) GEORGE I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour! JERRY So what? What would they care? GEORGE This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed. JERRY So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise? GEORGE Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire? JERRY You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts. (Kramer comes back from the bathroom) KRAMER Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before. JERRY Audrey? KRAMER Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie. JERRY Was it apple? KRAMER What else? JERRY This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel! (a stranger stops and looks at Elaine) STRANGER Do I know you? ELAINE Hmm... No you don't. STRANGER Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points. ELAINE The mannequin! JERRY Oh, I got to see this thing. (scene ends) (Rinitze) (Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another mannequin) JERRY Boy, the resemblance is uncanny. (Elaine goes to the saleswoman) ELAINE You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window! SALESWOMAN It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it. ELAINE No! You take down that mannequin right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney. SALESWOMAN (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking? JERRY Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney, ELAINE Uh-huh JERRY The Charlie Macarthy hearings. ELAINE Uh-huh. Are you taking this down? SALESWOMAN I'm getting the manager. (she leaves) ELAINE Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin) JERRY What are you doing? ELAINE Just get the car! JERRY Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this. (They get out with the mannequin) (scene ends) (Jerry's car) (Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.) JERRY I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. I'm dropping you off at work, right? ELAINE Where are you going? JERRY Poppie's (scene ends) (a restaurant) (George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a table) MACKENZIE Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something? GEORGE No, I didn't hear anything. MACKENZIE Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything? GEORGE No, can't say as I did. MACKENZIE Kind of like a... rustling. GEORGE Could be the leaves... (scene ends) (Poppie's) (Audrey talks to a client on the phone) AUDREY That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye. JERRY Hello. AUDREY What are you doing here? JERRY So how was the pie? AUDREY What pie? JERRY The apple pie you had today at Monks AUDREY I'm very busy here. JERRY Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it. AUDREY You better not let Poppie see you here. (a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey) HEALTH INSPECTOR All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie. AUDREY Uh, who are you? HEALTH INSPECTOR Board of health, we've had several complaints. JERRY Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands) HEALTH INSPECTOR Are you Poppie? POPPIE I'm Poppie. HEALTH INSPECTOR I think you'd better come with me. POPPIE What's the problem? (Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector) AUDREY What do they want from Poppie? JERRY Well, Poppie's a little sloppy. (scene ends) (at the restaurant with MacKenzie) (everybody's laughing at the table) MACKENZIE You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing? GEORGE I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted. MACKENZIE No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place. GEORGE No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me. (The waiter brings dessert) WAITER Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house. MACKENZIE Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert. WAITER (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you. GEORGE Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!) MACKENZIE Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking) BUSINESSMAN If you're one of us, you'll take a bite. (still shaking) (scene ends) (Monk's) (evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash) JERRY So you didn't get the job. GEORGE No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill. JERRY Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something. KRAMER What am I supposed to say? JERRY Tell her you lost your itch. GEORGE What happened to your itch? KRAMER I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. JERRY Well you should tell her. KRAMER I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you. OLIVE What? KRAMER Uh, well, there's someone else. OLIVE Someone else? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, yeah... OLIVE Who is she? KRAMER Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car) OLIVE her? KRAMER Yeah, there she is. That's my gal. OLIVE You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend. KRAMER Now Olive, look, I'm sorry. OLIVE Why is she wearing her underwear? KRAMER Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that. (Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand fall out from the arm!) (Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table, eating dessert) GEORGE Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie? JERRY No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time. (Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at her, confused.) ELAINE You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who's shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from? (scene ends) (The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.) RICKY'S BOSS Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin. RICKY TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine. THE END

THE POTHOLE

THE POTHOLE Written by Steve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe (Bathroom) Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. Jenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters. JENNA Morning. JERRY Morning. She hands him a tube of toothpaste. JENNA Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour. JERRY (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up? JENNA I'm gonna grab you a towel. Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn't like the taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts his hand on the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush falls into the toilet bowl. There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up. Jerry's face looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror. Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls up the sleeve of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet. He grabs the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately begins frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises his head and finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as she brushes her teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet. JERRY Ooh-ooh (Monk's) Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual. GEORGE So? JERRY So? She used the toothbrush! GEORGE You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out. JERRY How many years of med school did you have? GEORGE Was she mad? Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face. GEORGE You didn't tell her. JERRY Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word) GEORGE Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious? JERRY I'll take fastidious. George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a caricature of someone. JERRY What is that? GEORGE Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame. He squeezes the miniature head. HEAD Holy cow! JERRY They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they? GEORGE Just the last few innings of a double-header. Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes over. KRAMER Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits. He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry. JERRY Why didn't you pull over? KRAMER Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling. George squeezes the miniature head. HEAD Holy cow! KRAMER Well, look at that. A talking Nixon. (Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant) Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her at home with the phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order. OWNER China Panda. ELAINE Yeah, I'd like to place an order. OWNER Ah yes, what you like? ELAINE This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true? OWNER What number? ELAINE Forty-seven. OWNER Yeah, first time. What else? ELAINE Uh, that's it. OWNER Address? ELAINE Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E. OWNER That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth. ELAINE I'm not below. OWNER Yes you are. Street itself is boundary. ELAINE Your guy can't cross to my side? OWNER If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street. ELAINE Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him. OWNER Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone) Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the redial. OWNER (picks up phone) China Panda. ELAINE (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order. OWNER Ah, what you like? (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar. KRAMER Well, I'm a poppa. JERRY Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point. KRAMER (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway. JERRY Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing. KRAMER Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen. He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid snapshot in it. JERRY Aw, looks just like you. KRAMER Aw, I'm beaming Jerry. JERRY So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean? KRAMER They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment. JERRY That old scam. KRAMER Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there. JERRY At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage. KRAMER Quality time. George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks about the place, looking for something, frustratedly. GEORGE Keys. I can't find my keys. JERRY You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?! GEORGE Have you seen 'em? JERRY No. GEORGE Dammit! KRAMER C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today? GEORGE I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead. KRAMER Right. JERRY Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set. GEORGE I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'. JERRY So? GEORGE So you can't duplicate 'em. At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh. KRAMER Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid. (Street) Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks up the street and sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She ducks into the entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects to be coming out of the building as the delivery boy gets there. ELAINE Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda? DELIVERY BOY (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment? ELAINE I... thought that I would meet you halfway. She takes the bag of food. DELIVERY BOY You really live here? ELAINE Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you. Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects the boy to leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the door, but it's locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the door harder, but it won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives her money. The delivery boy walks off. ELAINE (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination! (Another Street) George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry emerges from the store with a carrier bag full of stuff. JERRY Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf. GEORGE So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth? They begin to walk along the street. JERRY By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it? GEORGE No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street! George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less enthusiasm. (Eighty-sixth Street) George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of his keys. GEORGE Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound. JERRY You didn't look down? GEORGE I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here. He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds a patch of fresh tarmac. GEORGE No! No!! A car drives by, running right over the patch. HEAD Holy, Holy Cow! JERRY Poor son of a bitch. (Jenna's Apartment) Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush which Jerry has bought her. It's loud. JERRY It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make. JENNA It's like I'm holding a blender. JERRY The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas. Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off the brush. JERRY Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically. JENNA (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does? JERRY (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out. JENNA (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush. In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush into a plastic bag, being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then seals the bag. JERRY No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too. Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle. JENNA That stuff tastes like bleach! Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush. JERRY I don't know anything about that. Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the bag with the brush out of the window. JENNA Mmm. My mouth feels so clean. JERRY That's the idea. Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna leans toward him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the toilet bowl, in black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we see Jenna's lips looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the kiss, and pulls away. JERRY You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs. JENNA Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess. (Jerry's Car) Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat. ELAINE You still couldn't kiss her? JERRY She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there. ELAINE Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level. JERRY Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser. ELAINE Jer, do you see where this is going? JERRY Being really clean and happy? ELAINE Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder. JERRY Disorder? ELAINE And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia. JERRY (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is. We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 'Adopt-a-Highway' and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'. ELAINE Shall we stop and say hi? JERRY Nah, we've seen it. ELAINE Yeah. (Mile 114) Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic bags full of trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He has an armful of assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief beep of the horn is heard. KRAMER (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house! He drops the last handful of trash into a bag. KRAMER Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle. He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road. He notices something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by traffic. Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve the can. His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes and the blare of horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car has to come to a complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side of the road, where he leans on the barrier. (Apartment Building) Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. She knocks at the door and a guy opens it. MAN Yeah? ELAINE Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food? MAN Wha? What d'you want? ELAINE You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street. MAN Wh, when is that? ELAINE No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all. MAN Who are you with? ELAINE No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry. MAN Who let you in? ELAINE Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour. The man shuts the door in her face. Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door opposite which stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly a janitor's closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and a smile comes to her face. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in the kitchen cleaning highway signs in the sink. JERRY What's with the signs? KRAMER Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods. JERRY Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway. KRAMER (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em. George enters. JERRY Hey. So, keys? GEORGE No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole. JERRY I guess they leave that up to the general population. GEORGE I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening! JERRY Hard to say. KRAMER Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out. GEORGE Really? KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane. The buzzer buzzes. JERRY Yeah? JENNA It's Jenna. Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George and Kramer that their presence is no longer required. JERRY If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia. George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys. GEORGE You think you could hook me up with these guys? KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four. GEORGE Seven-eight-four. Jenna enters. JENNA Hey. JERRY Hi. JENNA How you feeling? JERRY Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready. Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets that revolted look on his again and turns his face away. JENNA What?! JERRY Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it. JENNA What? JERRY I'm sorry. JENNA When were you gonna tell me this?! JERRY Obviously never. The door opens and Kramer enters. KRAMER I need the yield sign. Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen. JERRY Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please? Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those which were on his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's apartment. KRAMER You could've introduced me. JERRY I wouldn't know where to start. As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed shut. He tries to open it, but it has been locked. JERRY (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey! Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready to leave. JENNA There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet. JERRY What?! Wha... what'd you put in there? JENNA Gotta run. Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed, looking panicky and disgusted. JERRY Oh, man! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning fluids, disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula. Elaine is eating an apple and watching him. JERRY (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit! Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin. ELAINE She won't even give you a hint? JERRY No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard. ELAINE You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote. JERRY Yes, that is a definite possibility. He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin. ELAINE (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there. Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash, then a thought occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone. JERRY Are you just screwing with me? ELAINE Yeah, I am. Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the garbage anyway. Kramer enters carrying a box. KRAMER Hey ah. JERRY Hey, how's life on the road? KRAMER Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry. JERRY I don't doubt it. Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter. KRAMER You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there. From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects. JERRY What's this? KRAMER Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump) JERRY Isn't that some kind of safety thing? KRAMER Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes. JERRY What the hell are you talking about? KRAMER Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen. Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear. ELAINE How are you gonna widen the lanes? KRAMER Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint? JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower. ELAINE (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q. JERRY One-Q? Whose apartment is that? ELAINE That's the janitor closet, across the street. JERRY You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder? ELAINE It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser. Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids, etc, to his neck, like a cologne. KRAMER That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster. ELAINE (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone. KRAMER Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends. ELAINE Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys. Elaine leaves. KRAMER Now, where's that tool shed of yours? (Apartment Building) The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at the door to the janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is a piece of tape with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple of seconds then knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around her head, as if her hair is wet. ELAINE Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower. She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The delivery boy is trying to see past her into the 'apartment'. ELAINE I'll see you. She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused. (Eighty-sixth Street) George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck is parked next to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man speaks. RALPH You Costanza? GEORGE Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole. RALPH What're the keys doing in there? GEORGE Just need to uh, to dig 'em up. RALPH You put 'em in there? GEORGE Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up. RALPH Bad place to put your keys. GEORGE Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working? RALPH Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up. GEORGE (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money? RALPH Yeah. (snorts) It's about money. (Mile 114) Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either side of his boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing him, and the blare of horns is regularly heard. Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, and loads it with black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans out of the door and rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car with his other hand. (Apartment Building) Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips, following the flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall notices her. MRS ALLISTER 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there? ELAINE Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there. MRS ALLISTER You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood. ELAINE Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail) MRS ALLISTER Don't get smart with me. ELAINE (meek) Yes ma'am. (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on in the middle of the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens. RADIO Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot out there. Somebody screwed up on that one. By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried. (Janitor's Closet) Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia - buckets, brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's a knock at the door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry. ELAINE Oh it's you. JERRY Is the flounder here yet? ELAINE No, it's not here yet. You want the tour? Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door. ELAINE (gesturing) There's this. JERRY Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket. There's another knock at the door. ELAINE (gleeful) The fish! She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt. ELAINE Ah, what're you doing here? GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit cramped. GEORGE Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by. JERRY Kramer's guys? GEORGE Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself. JERRY Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp. The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George who is pushed into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry. GEORGE Ow! ELAINE Uh, man! Kramer enters the now crowded closet. KRAMER Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons. ELAINE I'm plumb out. KRAMER Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby! There's yet another knock at the door. More strident. MRS ALLISTER Janitor? ELAINE (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out. Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach the door. The she has to make room to swing the door inwards. ELAINE Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door. She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. The crush behind her slams the door shut. ELAINE Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you? MRS ALLISTER I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement. ELAINE Yeah, I am so sorry. MRS ALLISTER Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths. ELAINE Well, a lot of it is vegetable... In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment and supplies in the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard in the hallway. MRS ALLISTER Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand? ELAINE (meekly) Yes ma'am. The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out. GEORGE ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia. JERRY I don't feel like eating. KRAMER (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh? ELAINE (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting. (Jerry's Apartment) Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is clear that Jerry has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was contaminated - his kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of the usual knick-knacks. JENNA So Jerry, why'd you call me? JERRY Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you? JENNA Yes, I did. JERRY Well, whatever. So, how've you been? JENNA Good. JERRY Good. (pause) Steak knife? JENNA Just eating away at you isn't it? JERRY Nah. The door opens and Elaine enters. ELAINE Hi. JENNA Hi. JERRY Hi. ELAINE Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car? JERRY For what? ELAINE I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump. JERRY Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt. ELAINE Well, actually it's pretty grimy. JERRY Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery. He hands the keys to Elaine. ELAINE Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car. JERRY Sure. Bye. ELAINE Bye. JENNA Bye. ELAINE Bye. Elaine leaves. JERRY There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?! JENNA Toilet brush. JERRY Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that. JENNA You wanna order dinner? JERRY Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes. (Eighty-sixth Street) Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in overalls and cap, grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder and some paint cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along, she passes George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment and he touches the peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the jackhammer. (Street) Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of his car. He eventually heaves it in. (Jenna's Apartment) Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing (looks like Chinese food). JERRY That's true. JENNA Mm. JERRY But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship. (Eighty-sixth Street) George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. Suddenly, there is a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep rumbling sound, from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks around for the source of the noise. (Jenna's Apartment) Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise can be heard, though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet starts to rattle. JENNA Do you hear something? They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom, the toilet rattles again, the cistern shaking. JERRY I don't know what that could be. Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door. (Eighty-sixth Street) There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from the ground right in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from above the rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring. HEAD Holy cow! The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking up at the height of it. (Jenna's Apartment) In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet, wondering what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living room, still talking to her. JERRY Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever. There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed by Jenna screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes to see what has happened. Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is visible to us, but it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result of a violent eruption from the toilet bowl. Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry. JERRY Holy cow! Have a nice life. He closes the bathroom door as he leaves. (Jerry's Car) Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage from the basement - old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of the car reveals she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted lane markers can be seen. ELAINE Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah. We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot falls a battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway. (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. He struggles to heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its side, and the lid comes off, spilling the contents across the road. KRAMER Bugger! (Newman's Truck) Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes, marked 'Fresh Fish'. NEWMAN (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady. There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine. Tyres squeal as Newman regains control. NEWMAN What the hell was that? The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught on the front axle. As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks behind. (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices the warning labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'. KRAMER Double bugger! (Newman's Truck) Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing machine is almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing a shower of sparks under the truck. NEWMAN (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times... Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the sparks ignite it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the windows. Newman begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno. NEWMAN Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh! (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway) Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and slams the lid down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is walking stiffly, and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and clothing. He's staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending of his surroundings. KRAMER Hey buddy. What're you doing out here? Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer. KRAMER Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo. Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens can be heard. Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car. KRAMER Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift? Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. The sirens continue. KRAMER Newman! Newman!! Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to Newman. KRAMER Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop. He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres. Newman continues his walk. As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming 'Aargh!'. THE END

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find him." (imitates other person on phone) "Where did he go?" (the first person again) "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) JERRY Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. (talking about George's shirt) The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother. GEORGE Are you through? (kind of irritated) JERRY You do of course try on, when you buy? GEORGE Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons. JERRY Oh, you don't recall? GEORGE (pretends he's talking into a microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. JERRY Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. (a waitress approaches the table) WAITRESS Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her) GEORGE Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? WAITRESS It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. (ironically) JERRY Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress. WAITRESS Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours the coffee and walks away) GEORGE How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow? JERRY Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in. GEORGE Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? JERRY I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? GEORGE No, you didn't! JERRY I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks in the milk can) There's no milk in here, what... GEORGE Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like? JERRY Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better. GEORGE (with a big smile) So, ya know, what, what happened? JERRY Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great. GEORGE Oh, nothing happened, but it was... JERRY Yeah. GEORGE This is great! JERRY Yeah. GEORGE So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! JERRY Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. GEORGE (whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"? JERRY Yeah, but... GEORGE "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. JERRY (indignant) What, are you serious...why, why did she call? GEORGE How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite. JERRY To be polite? You are insane! GEORGE All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you? JERRY Yes! GEORGE You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency! JERRY Oh, I get it, this is about the button. GEORGE (The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? CLAIRE What gave it away, George? GEORGE Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view. JERRY (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know? GEORGE (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to (makes some gestures to accent "has to") come to New York on business... JERRY Oh you are beautiful! (ironically) GEORGE and, and maybe (again some gestures) she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? CLAIRE I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO) GEORGE (to Claire) So why did she call? CLAIRE To be polite. GEORGE To be polite, I rest my case. JERRY Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me (stands up), I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. GEORGE I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. JERRY Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy". GEORGE Come on, I'm tired. CLAIRE (to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up. GEORGE (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile) (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) GEORGE Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. (walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry) JERRY Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load. GEORGE I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped... JERRY And you didn't even hear how she sounded. GEORGE What?! JERRY Laura. GEORGE I can't believe: (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! JERRY Yeah, but how could you be so sure? GEORGE (gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry (starts snapping his fingers), it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy? JERRY No. GEORGE She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! JERRY Yeah. GEORGE What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers again) Signal! JERRY Maybe you're right. GEORGE Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. JERRY This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. GEORGE (puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried? JERRY No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish. GEORGE You're gonna "overdry" it. JERRY You, you can't "overdry". GEORGE Why not? JERRY Same as you can't "overwet". (George looks puzzled) You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry". GEORGE (looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry) Any questions? JERRY How could she not tell me where she was staying? (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid) GEORGE (points to the dryer) Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry looks surprised) (Comedy club) JERRY "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: (shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid)...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (shows how the sock is going down the road). They got buttons sewed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughta get the harpoon out your chest first. (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) JERRY (The phone rings. He picks it up and says:) If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? (to the door, while still at the phone) KRAMER (enters) Are you up? JERRY (To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem (hangs up the phone). KRAMER Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? JERRY (upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. KRAMER Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets) You got any meat? JERRY (a little irritated) Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in) Well what, what happened in the game anyway? KRAMER (still with his head in the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! (takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game. JERRY (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! KRAMER Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:) Are you done with this? JERRY No. KRAMER (glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table) When you're done, let me know. JERRY Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. KRAMER I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. JERRY No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing. KRAMER You want me to talk to her? JERRY I don't think so. KRAMER Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. (shows with his fingers how close it was) JERRY That close, huh? KRAMER You better believe it. (The phone rings. Jerry picks it up) JERRY Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. KRAMER Give me it...let me talk to her (continues this way). JERRY (gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane get in?...I got my friend George to take me...(Kramer suddenly notices something in the Mets-game on TV)... KRAMER A SLIDE!...Wow! JERRY ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, I got it (takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs up the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't believe it...That, that was her. She wants to stay here! (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress) JERRY If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth) Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down. GEORGE Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman, that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? (sits down) JERRY (hands George a beer) Look, it's a very awkward situation, I, I don't wanna be presumptuous. GEORGE All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request? JERRY All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel- room... GEORGE A decent hotel-room... JERRY Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. GEORGE You can't be serious. This is New York city: there must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? (waves with his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! JERRY (cynical) This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday? GEORGE I think I was affected by the caffeine. (suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch) HO, HO, HO, GOOD DOG (etc.) KRAMER (walks in behind the dog and closes the door) He really likes you, George. GEORGE (ironically) Well, that's flattering. KRAMER (the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking from the toilet) Oh, he's getting' a drink of water. (sees the mattress on the floor) Is this for that girl? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Why even give her an option? JERRY This is a person I like, it's not: "How to score on spring break". GEORGE Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get a ticket. JERRY Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom. GEORGE So what? That's good. JERRY Now, how could that be good? GEORGE Because filth is good...Whatta you think: rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite. JERRY This is how you operate? GEORGE Yeah, I wish. JERRY Let me just wipe the sink. KRAMER (stands up from the couch and yells.) WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door; to George, while pointing to the mattress) It's unbelievable. GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER ...How's the real estate-business? GEORGE ...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you need something. KRAMER Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? GEORGE Well, I might be getting in to that. KRAMER (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted! GEORGE I'm aware of you, all right, let's go (opens the bathroom door), let's go! (Jerry and the dog come out) You're on stage in 25 minutes. (Comedy club.) JERRY The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town: "Let's move on"... The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it...ya know: "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?". (Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura) JERRY Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? GEORGE What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'. JERRY Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. GEORGE Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. JERRY Really? How? GEORGE 'Cause it's all in the greeting. JERRY Uh-huh. GEORGE All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. JERRY Right. GEORGE Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good. JERRY "Lip-area". GEORGE Ya know a hug: definitely good. JERRY Hug is definitely good. GEORGE Sure. JERRY Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? GEORGE That's so brutal, I hate that. JERRY Ya know how they do that? GEORGE That's why, ya know, a shake is bad. JERRY Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? GEORGE Hand-sandwich. JERRY Right. GEORGE I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...(suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry's eyes) LAURA Guess who? JERRY Hey, hey. LAURA AND JERRY Heeeey! (they take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance; George is looking puzzled) JERRY It's good to see you. LAURA Hi. JERRY This is my friend George. LAURA (shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice to meet you. GEORGE Hi, how are you? JERRY This is Laura. GEORGE Laura, sure. JERRY (to Laura) I can't believe you're here. GEORGE AND JERRY Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick up the bags) LAURA Oh, thank you. JERRY (privately to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George? GEORGE Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". That wasn't in the manual, I don't know. (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment) JERRY So uh, what do ya think? LAURA Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad. JERRY Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? LAURA (laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any wine? JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do. LAURA Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? (points to the lamp) JERRY Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns down the lamp) LAURA Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too? JERRY Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything? LAURA No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open. JERRY Really? What would you like to do? LAURA Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan. JERRY (doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. (the phone rings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's for you. LAURA (she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great, right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye (she hangs up the phone). Never get engaged. JERRY You're engaged? LAURA You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster. JERRY You're engaged? (still can't believe it) LAURA Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation. JERRY You're engaged! (like he's answering his own question) LAURA Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy... JERRY Yeah. LAURA You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat. JERRY Me too! (Comedy club.) JERRY I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: (imitates horn). THE END

THE NOSE JOB

THE NOSE JOB Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here." First scene. Jerry and George are at a newsstand. GEORGE Where'd you meet her? JERRY I met her on an elevator. GEORGE On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator? JERRY Impossible, right? GEORGE You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you? JERRY I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth. GEORGE Wow. What'd you say? (flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator) JERRY You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England. (end of flashback) GEORGE Wow. JERRY Can you believe I did that? GEORGE What did she say? (another flashback) ISABEL What crop circles? (end of flashback) JERRY Not a good sign. GEORGE Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are? NEWSSTAND OWNER Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? JERRY You got something in your teeth there. GEORGE What? JERRY It's green. GEORGE Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon. JERRY Did you bump into anybody you knew? GEORGE I had a job interview. JERRY How'd it go? GEORGE Take a guess. (flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached teeth.) INTERVIEWER Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch. GEORGE Ok, thanks. (end of flashback) JERRY What do you need a job, you got Audrey. GEORGE Yeah, right. JERRY What's the matter? GEORGE Oh, nothing. JERRY What? GEORGE You won't think I'm a bad person? JERRY Too late for that. GEORGE 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big. JERRY Yeah, she's got a big nose. GEORGE I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big. (momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose) JERRY It's a schnoz. GEORGE Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection. JERRY A little. GEORGE So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose. JERRY Stop being so concerned with looks. (momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number) JERRY Have you said anything to her about it? GEORGE I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose. JERRY Alright, shut up, here they come. GEORGE How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing. New scene. Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's apartment. KRAMER So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison. ELAINE Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter? KRAMER No no, he's never met her. She's in California. ELAINE Are you coming with me? KRAMER Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc�, Peter Von Nostrand. GEORGE Why don't you just commit yourself already? AUDREY What is so special about this jacket? ELAINE He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women. AUDREY What's the smudge on your hand? KRAMER Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge. GEORGE What, you didn't wash all day? KRAMER Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man. AUDREY It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating. KRAMER Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job. ELAINE Kramer! KRAMER What? What? ELAINE How could you say something like that?! KRAMER What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job. ELAINE No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey. AUDREY No, it's ok. ELAINE What did you have to say that for? KRAMER Well, I was just trying to help out. ELAINE Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin. KRAMER You see what happens when you try to be nice? Mid-episode monologue. But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you very much." New scene. George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment. AUDREY Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about? GEORGE Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking? AUDREY You look like you've got something on your mind. GEORGE Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh? AUDREY How about him? GEORGE They way he just says stuff. AUDREY He sure does. GEORGE Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character. AUDREY So, what did you think? GEORGE About the pizza? AUDREY No, about the nose job. GEORGE Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think? AUDREY Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know. GEORGE Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting. AUDREY I know, they're good. GEORGE Peter Jennings had one. AUDREY Really? GEORGE Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so... AUDREY Uh huh. GEORGE It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist. AUDREY I hate the dentist. GEORGE It's a cleaning. AUDREY So you really think I should do this? GEORGE If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you THIS Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life. AUDREY Well, maybe I should. GEORGE What the hell. ELAINE Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job? GEORGE Me? I didn't say anything. ELAINE You encouraged her to get one. GEORGE I didn't encourage. No encourage. ELAINE Peter Jennings had one? GEORGE It's possible. ELAINE Well, I think you should accept her for who she is. AUDREY No, George is right. I want to get one. ELAINE I think it's a mistake. GEORGE Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one. New scene. Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. GEORGE I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it. JERRY Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes. GEORGE Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock. JERRY We have time. GEORGE It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face. JERRY It is exciting. GEORGE Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but... JERRY Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win. GEORGE You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty. JERRY Then what? GEORGE He still wins but it's not a blowout. JERRY She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day. (flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment) JERRY I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me. KRAMER I'm proud of you. (end of flashback) JERRY So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey. GEORGE Good for you. JERRY I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited. GEORGE It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring. JERRY It's not like that at all. New scene. Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment. ELAINE How do you even know the jacket is there? KRAMER Well I don't, I'm guessing. GEORGE Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine, AUDREY George? GEORGE Yeah? AUDREY Enough. JERRY Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road. ELAINE Are you sure you want us here for this? AUDREY Yes. JERRY Shouldn't a doctor do it? AUDREY No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes. GEORGE Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth. Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror. ELAINE It looks good. JERRY Great job. KRAMER You got butchered. George faints. An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his feet. JERRY Let's put him over here. KRAMER Where are you going? AUDREY To the doctor! KRAMER Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you. Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George. ELAINE How ya feeling? GEORGE Too much salt in my diet. ELAINE Can I get you anything? GEORGE Nah, I'm good. ELAINE You sure? Anything? GEORGE Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it? ELAINE No, it didn't. No, it didn't. GEORGE It's like, all dented. ELAINE Seems to be. GEORGE Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches-- ELAINE Shut up, George. GEORGE Shut up? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE Interesting. New scene. Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of cereal, Jerry has cracked. JERRY Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number! KRAMER I don't have it, I threw it out. JERRY You're lying! You got it, I want that number! KRAMER I told you, I threw it out. JERRY Give it to me! KRAMER You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise. JERRY Well, I changed my mind, I want that number. KRAMER You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number. JERRY I was lying, give it to me! KRAMER No, you told me not to! JERRY I want that number! KRAMER Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside! Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and the bowl, then storms out again. New scene. George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her nose, George is trying not to look at it. AUDREY The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here... GEORGE Yeah. AUDREY You see this perinasal sinus cavity? GEORGE Oh, I got it. AUDREY You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent. GEORGE Yeah, phew. AUDREY So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about? GEORGE What? AUDREY Remember we talked about taking a trip together? GEORGE We did? AUDREY Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii? GEORGE Hawaii? AUDREY Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this. George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous. AUDREY I never heard that. GEORGE Oh yeah. My friend lived there. AUDREY We could go to the Caribbean. GEORGE You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind. AUDREY George, I don't think this is working. New scene. Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel. ISABEL Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore. JERRY I'm Nelson! ISABEL That's not the line, Jerry. JERRY Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time. ISABEL I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you. JERRY Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun. ISABEL Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly. JERRY Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again. Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is playing chess with a similarly visible Jerry's penis. JERRY'S BRAIN Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles? JERRY'S PENIS Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it! JERRY'S BRAIN I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes. JERRY'S PENIS Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night. JERRY'S BRAIN What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me. JERRY'S PENIS Oh, go read a book. JERRY'S BRAIN Enough chatting, let's play. New scene. Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment. ELAINE You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital. KRAMER Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything? ELAINE Yeah. KRAMER Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here. ELAINE What do I need this for? KRAMER Because we're engaged. ELAINE We're engaged? KRAMER Um hm. ELAINE Kramer, this is too big. KRAMER It's my mom's. A stout man walks around the corner. LANDLORD Hello? ELAINE Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him. LANDLORD Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand? KRAMER Yes, yes I am. LANDLORD I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it. KRAMER Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing. LANDLORD Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter? KRAMER My contention? LANDLORD Yes, your contention. KRAMER Yes, that's my contention. ELAINE I heard him contend that. LANDLORD It's too bad about your father. ELAINE Oh, it was a frame-up. LANDLORD A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing. ELAINE Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing. KRAMER She does fine work. LANDLORD Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way. ELAINE How kind of you. LANDLORD You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe. Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame. New scene. Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears to have the upper hand. JERRY'S BRAIN What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha! ISABEL Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you. JERRY'S PENIS It's killing me. (Makes a move) JERRY'S BRAIN That's your move? JERRY'S PENIS Yeah. JERRY'S BRAIN Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate! JERRY'S PENIS Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing! Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop. JERRY'S BRAIN Punk. JERRY Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working. Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face. Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment. ELAINE Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. LANDLORD He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies. ELAINE My father, really? I had no idea. LANDLORD Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum. KRAMER You don't say? ELAINE I found it! LANDLORD The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!" Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated. Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth. New scene. The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop. KRAMER So I grabbed the guy by the collar. ELAINE Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!" JERRY So I assume the jig was up. ELAINE Yeah, pretty much. Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket. Audrey walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful. AUDREY Hi. ELAINE Hi! JERRY Hey. AUDREY Hello. GEORGE Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it! AUDREY Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful. ELAINE So, will I see you later tonight? AUDREY Not sure. KRAMER Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready? AUDREY I didn't wash. KRAMER Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge. ELAINE Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like-- GEORGE Elaine. Shut up. (Comedy club) The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term." THE END

THE SCOFFLAW

THE SCOFFLAW Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) JERRY The big new accessory with eyeglasses, seems to be that strap, that connects in the back so you can take 'em on and off. Which I don't get, because I thought, if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses? 'You need glasses', isn't that what they say? I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would you care for some glasses?' When people have crutches, they don't havelike a little chain attached to their belt, so they can just let go of 'em every now and then. Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for when you're water-skiing, the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne wig with hand) (Street) George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him. GARY Hey George. GEORGE Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been? I've been leaving you phone messages for months. GARY I know. I've been pretty busy. GEORGE Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're all busy, everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy? GARY Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see you. (Different Street) A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer is about to cross the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray of litter is tossed from its window and lands near Kramer. KRAMER (to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig! The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so, the car he is ticketing starts up and speeds away. COP (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey! Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away. (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY So you called the cop a pig? KRAMER I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town. JERRY Didn't you explain that to the cop? KRAMER No, I fled the scene. George enters. He looks disquieted. JERRY (to George) Hey. KRAMER (to George) Hey buddy. GEORGE Hey, uh... KRAMER What? GEORGE Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately. KRAMER Oh. What about? GEORGE Kramer... KRAMER Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh? Kramer grabs George in a headlock. GEORGE Hey, you're hurting me! KRAMER You gonna share it with me next time, huh? GEORGE I swear, I swear! KRAMER Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it. He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes the door slowly and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it finally shuts completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed. GEORGE Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer. JERRY Oh yeah, I knew. GEORGE You knew? How did you know? JERRY He told me a few months ago. GEORGE Why did he tell you and not me? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE How are you closer to him than me? Jerry shrugs. GEORGE So, is he okay? JERRY Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though. GEORGE Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed? JERRY No, he was on his regular bed. GEORGE So why didn't you tell me? JERRY He swore me to secrecy. GEORGE So? JERRY It's not like you're my wife. GEORGE Well, I still think you shoulda told me. JERRY Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick. GEORGE Well, I wanna talk to him about this. JERRY That's right, you let him have it. GEORGE Mmm-mm. JERRY Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness? GEORGE That's what I'm saying. JERRY His illness is your business. GEORGE If not mine, whose? JERRY If not now, when? The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has just ceased. ELAINE Were you just talking about me? GEORGE No, an old friend of ours, Gary. ELAINE Oh, the guy with cancer? GEORGE (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife! JERRY If I told you, you woulda given it away. GEORGE You don't think I can keep a secret? JERRY No, but he would've read your face. GEORGE You don't trust my poker face? JERRY Do you ever win at poker? GEORGE (shamefaced) No. Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine. KRAMER Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV. ELAINE Egh, Jake Jarmel? KRAMER Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those. ELAINE Why? You don't wear glasses. KRAMER I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating. GEORGE I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in. KRAMER Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get in touch with this guy? ELAINE Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens. KRAMER Ah. ELAINE You know, we had a really bad break-up. JERRY The Jujy Fruits? ELAINE (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits. (Waldenbooks) A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake Jarmel, who sits at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer is having his copy signed. JAKE Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book. KRAMER Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those eyeglass frames? JAKE I can't tell you that. KRAMER So you don't know where you got 'em? JAKE Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else to have them. KRAMER Well, that's peculiar. (leaves) (Monk's) George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is an attractive woman sitting in the corner, reading a book. GEORGE Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody. GARY Really? GEORGE Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads. Never talks to anybody. GARY Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said to say hi. GEORGE (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me. GARY Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. You know, you'd get two pair, the whole table knows. GEORGE Well I still think it was wrong. GARY Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I guess I was just thinking of myself. GEORGE (well, obviously) Yes. (Another street) Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop. KRAMER ...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman. I wanted to be a policeman. COP Yeah? So why didn't you? KRAMER Scared of being shot. COP Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine was never paid, and since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give me the slip time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's become my 'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to you, I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again! KRAMER I like that eye patch. (Monks') GEORGE (standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's up. Can't park in this city. GARY (standing) Hey, George, listen. You know that company I work for, they own that parking lot around the corner. GEORGE Wha, that's a Kinney lot? GARY Yeah, and there's a space opening up, and I could get it for you. You just have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month. GEORGE Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks. GARY All right, I got lunch, all right. GEORGE You still owe me a secret. GARY All right, listen. There is something I haven't told you, all right? GEORGE Yeah? GARY Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry. GEORGE What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife. GARY Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie. GEORGE Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours? GARY Well, I (laughs) I never actually had cancer. (laughs) I'll see you. (leaves) (Jerry's apartment) Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer and Elaine are talking, Jerry reads a magazine. ELAINE So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses? KRAMER (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves his legs) ELAINE Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's legs) You know, he has to be the only one who has 'em. KRAMER Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door to leave) Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi. ELAINE What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You told Jake I said hi? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi? JERRY I never heard her say hi. KRAMER Well, it's uh, common courtesy. ELAINE No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. JERRY It's like a game of tag. Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave. JERRY Where you going? ELAINE Nowhere. JERRY You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you? ELAINE So what if I do? (heads for the door) KRAMER (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine! George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door behind him. JERRY Hey. How'd it go with Gary? GEORGE (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat) JERRY (suspicious) Really? GEORGE (shifty) Yeah. JERRY You look like something's on your mind. GEORGE No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table) JERRY So, that's your poker face. GEORGE My regular face. JERRY No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it. GEORGE What are you saying? JERRY All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George) GEORGE I got nothing. JERRY What you got, a pair of bullets? GEORGE What you talking about? JERRY Two pair? Three of a kind? GEORGE Will you stop it? JERRY Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush! GEORGE I don't have a flush. JERRY A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got! GEORGE (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer! (Waldenbooks) Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking to him. There are other people queuing behind her. ELAINE So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me. When in fact it was an unauthorised hi. JAKE You're saying you didn't say hi. ELAINE That's what I'm saying. JAKE So that's what you came down here to tell me? ELAINE Correct. JAKE You never said hi? ELAINE Correct. JAKE You still like me, don't you? ELAINE Correct. (catches herself) What's that? MAN Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day. ELAINE (takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you? JAKE Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi is more of a gesture than if you did say hi. ELAINE Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh... (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never actually had it. JERRY So what was wrong with him? GEORGE Nothing! JERRY So he's been lying to me for two months?! GEORGE That's right. JERRY What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you. GEORGE Well... JERRY I don't even think you could do it. GEORGE Oh, I could do it. JERRY Yeah, I guess you could. GEORGE (snorts) C'mon. JERRY Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease? GEORGE You did that? JERRY Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone) GEORGE Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take phone from Jerry) JERRY Why not? GEORGE (puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing. JERRY So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. GEORGE Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't start acting any differently. You have to be nice. JERRY Why didn't he tell me? GEORGE Because you were being so nice. JERRY I don't think I can be that nice. GEORGE (shouts) You be nice! George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk away from each other. (Monk's) Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take as he see him sitting in a booth, wearing a wig. JERRY Gary? GARY What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions, turning his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece) JERRY Is that from my gift certificate? GARY Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been so nice. (shakes Jerry by the hand) JERRY (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage. GARY Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings. JERRY I don't think so. GARY Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look. Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears George's words from earlier. GEORGE You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes) parking space... parking space... Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about it. GARY (peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're loaded. JERRY Okay. (shuts mouth) GARY Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out, Jack! (rises) Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's. KRAMER (to Jerry) Hey buddy. JERRY Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this? KRAMER It's an eyepatch. JERRY You look like a pirate. KRAMER I wanna be a pirate. JERRY (gesturing) This is Gary. KRAMER (to Gary) How you doing? GARY All right. Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired vision, he misses by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up to restore his depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the 'girl who never talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat. KRAMER Well, I tell you there's only one problem. Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under the table. He upsets plates and glasses. JERRY Can't see on your right side? KRAMER No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy (George's car) DEBBY Nice car. GEORGE Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight. DEBBY So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that? GEORGE Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi. DEBBY I didn't say hi. GEORGE You didn't? DEBBY Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi. GEORGE Regards? DEBBY Yeah, regards. (Cab) ELAINE Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness? CABBIE (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good quality. ELAINE (looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there. I think he's wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the car. (hands money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of getting back at my ex-boyfriend. CABBIE Good. Revenge is very good. (Street) Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical spectacles to Mr Jarmel. ELAINE (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up to guy) Excuse me, sir. Sir? GUY Yes? ELAINE Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got your glasses? GUY Malaysia. ELAINE Malaysia? GUY Yeah. ELAINE Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you? GUY Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair. ELAINE (positive) Oh! (little chuckle) GUY But I, I can barely see without these. ELAINE C'mon. GUY Well, these were expensive. ELAINE Let's start the bidding. (George's car) GEORGE So, you didn't think this was a date? DEBBY N... no, not really. Why, is it... a date? GEORGE I thought it was a date. DEBBY No. It's not a date. GEORGE What about the regards? DEBBY Regards don't mean anything. I mean, it's not like I said hi. Hey, the fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything. GEORGE No, tell me. DEBBY Can you keep a secret? GEORGE Me? Oh yeah. DEBBY (deep breath) I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick. But, h... he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective on life. I... I fell in love with him. GEORGE Oh, the guy's got some perspective there. (Monk's) Jerry and Kramer in their booth. JERRY Hey, do you know what the Whip does? KRAMER What whip? JERRY The Whip. In the Senate, in the House. KRAMER Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds imaginary whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect) Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'. GARY She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word to anybody. Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack! (Street) The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge. COP Well, well. The 'white whale'. He moves in for the kill. (George's car) GEORGE (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park around here. I don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan. DEBBY Don't complain, at least you have your health. (Street) The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about. It's clear he can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the road. (George's car) DEBBY George, look out for that man! (Monk's) The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed immediately by the crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out to investigate. (Street) The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst writing a ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals away, passing Kramer as he emerges from Monk's. COP (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back here! KRAMER (looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale! (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street? JERRY Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would you do that? GEORGE No. Definitely not. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. JERRY And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop. GEORGE The one who always sits by herself? JERRY Yeah! GEORGE How did he do that? JERRY Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee. GEORGE Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has all this perspective! JERRY She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective? GEORGE (opening door to leave) He picked her up? JERRY Walked right over to her table. GEORGE Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes the resulting fallout off his jacket) (Waldenbooks) Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine skips past the queue. ELAINE Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought) Aaw, see, you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too. JAKE Where did you get those? ELAINE Malaysia. I was in the area. Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage. (Newman's car) Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in. NEWMAN (surprised) Kramer. KRAMER Just drive. Newman puts the car in gear and sets off. KRAMER All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're the scofflaw. NEWMAN (defensive) What're you talking about... KRAMER (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo. NEWMAN All right, so it's me. So what? KRAMER You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in. NEWMAN I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep! KRAMER Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me? NEWMAN I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone. KRAMER So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself? NEWMAN (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading) Help me Kramer! Help me! KRAMER All right, all right, I'm gonna help you. (Street) George and Jerry, walking together. GEORGE I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair. JERRY You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em. GEORGE Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know about. JERRY What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her? GEORGE The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her. JERRY So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh! (Monk's) Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth. LIPPMAN It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house, and if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do. If I can get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think I'll have something for you. (laughs) ELAINE Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I mean, you have no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks. LIPPMAN Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses. ELAINE Oh really, you like 'em? LIPPMAN Uh huh. Very unusual. ELAINE Well, you know what? (removes glasses) LIPPMAN What? ELAINE (hands them over) You can have 'em. LIPPMAN Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please. ELAINE No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change the prescription in an hour. Take 'em. LIPPMAN Really? ELAINE Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly. LIPPMAN (accepting) I could use a new pair of reading glasses. ELAINE They're from Malaysia. LIPPMAN (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah? ELAINE (admiring gasp) Fabulous. (Courtroom) Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him. There are the usual personnel for a courtroom. JUDGE Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never come across anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage... Newman bursts into anguished tears. JUDGE ...convenient to your home. NEWMAN (sobbing) I can't afford that! JUDGE Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that your car is impounded... Newman's sobbing reaches new heights. JUDGE ...and sold at auction. KRAMER Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody. The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this statement. (Hair Team For Men) George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are in a fitting room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig, assisted by the salesman, while Jerry looks on. GEORGE (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think? JERRY (unimpressed) I, really can't say. GEORGE No, say. I want you to say. JERRY It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. (to salesman) I'm sorry. SALESMAN You have to realise this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp. GEORGE (examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good. JERRY Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with? GEORGE (to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else. SALESMAN As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful. JERRY Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful! SALESMAN (getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful! I think you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to improve his life! JERRY Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to you personally! SALESMAN (angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?! (looks ready to punch Jerry) JERRY All right! Take it easy! Take it easy. GEORGE (leaps to feet) Jerry! JERRY I'm sorry. GEORGE Please. (sits again) The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself. GARY Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, you decided to get a rug! Good for you, Jack! GEORGE Well, I'm, I'm just looking. GARY Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment. SALESMAN I'll be right with you. The salesman/Tommy leaves. GARY Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space. GEORGE What? JERRY What? GARY This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you can't fight City Hall. Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a 'go ahead' expression. JERRY You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the other day... GARY (to George) You didn't?! GEORGE (admiring himself in mirror) I did. JERRY (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct) We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary and Jerry are heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig. GARY (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet! JERRY Gimme that thing! (Monk's) Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee. One or two of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the counter by the cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table give him an admiring look. GEORGE How's your life? All right? WOMAN Yeah, not bad at all. She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation for George to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial effects of his hairpiece. (Press conference) Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern. In front of it are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine. LIPPMAN (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake as he vacates the lectern in his favour) There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take questions. REPORTER So Jake, what's your percentage on this book? Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps back to the lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from his pocket. LIPPMAN Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very interesting information on that. (puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as... JAKE (notices glasses) Where did you get those? LIPPMAN ... as such, it... JAKE Those glasses, where did you get those glasses? LIPPMAN (confused) Where... what? JAKE (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling) I want the glasses! Give me those! He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues. Jake can be heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a view of the noisy fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit. She is apologetic to her neighbour. ELAINE (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks. THE END

THE SWITCH

THE SWITCH Written by Bruce Kirschbaum & Sam Kass (Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club) JERRY Come on. Lets go ELAINE No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet. JERRY What's it doin here? ELAINE He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up LANDIS Hello ELAINE Oh, Hi. LANDIS Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a position a couple of months ago. ELAINE Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle) LANDIS I was watching you play ELAINE Oh, I'm not very good. LANDIS No. You exhibited a lot of grace out there. ELAINE Really? Grace? LANDIS Yes. So have you found anything yet? ELAINE Uh, no. Not really. LANDIS You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline? JERRY Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one. ELAINE Newman plays tennis? JERRY He's fantastic. LANDIS Would you mind if I tried this out? ELAINE Uh, no ... take it. LANDIS How will you get it back? ELAINE Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow. LANDIS That's so generous of you. ELAINE Thanks JERRY You loaned her Pitt's racquet? E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore. SANDY I gotta get going. JERRY Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net. SANDY (nods silently) ELAINE Bye JERRY Bye bye ELAINE Have you noticed she never laughs JERRY Hm, really? ELAINE Yeah Kramer and George on street GEORGE Check that out (showing newspaper) KRAMER Whoa, you're dating this woman? GEORGE That's right. KRAMER George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti GEORGE What's that. KRAMER Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal. GEORGE And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. I don't know how she does it. KRAMER Maybe she's bulimic GEORGE Wa? KRAMER Bulimic, GEORGE Kramer, she's a model. KRAMER Exactly GEORGE I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after we finish eating. KRAMER There you go monkey boy. Pepperdella's Restaurant NINA Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry? GEORGE Just enjoying watching you. Other restaurant SANDY So did you like the movie? JERRY Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket. SANDY (nods silently) JERRY Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort. SANDY (nods silently) That's funny. JERRY I'm glad you enjoyed it. Pepperdella's Restaurant NINA Oh, I'm so full. GEORGE Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work. NINA Will you excuse me. GEORGE Where you going? NINA I just need to freshen up. GEORGE You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher. NINA George I need to freshen., George, George, George ... Jerry's Apartment JERRY It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman. ELAINE See, what did I tell ya? JERRY And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." ... That's funny! ELAINE Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet. JERRY I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something! ELAINE (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad. George enters GEORGE Well, I heard a noise. JERRY What noise? GEORGE You know, .. blah ... JERRY What blah? GEORGE From the bathroom. JERRY Oh, you think she was refunding? GEORGE Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom. ELAINE So you're concerned. GEORGE Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet. JERRY In a manner of speaking. GEORGE Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me. Kramer enters. KRAMER Here's your scrubber back. JERRY Thanks. GEORGE Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room. JERRY A matron? GEORGE Yeah Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking. JERRY uh, well I can't help you there (weakly). GEORGE Wha? KRAMER Nothin' GEORGE You know a matron? KRAMER Me? GEORGE You KRAMER No. GEORGE Kramer, KRAMER Well, now look, just leave me alone. GEORGE Well, what is it? KRAMER No, don't, don't make me GEORGE Wha? KRAMER No, I can't, all right I can't ... GEORGE Who? KRAMER ... My mother's a matron! ELAINE Babs? KRAMER Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you want to know? GEORGE Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding. KRAMER Look, George, I can't help ya, all right. GEORGE Why not? Why not? KRAMER let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain. GEORGE Come on, Kramer. KRAMER I can't I can't JERRY Kramer you're going to have to face her some time KRAMER (mumbles) b'd b'd Doubleday offices ELAINE Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened? LANDIS I tore my umeral epicondilitist ELAINE Oh LANDIS My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again. ELAINE Oh, you'll be playing ... LANDIS If I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do. ELAINE There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong, LANDIS You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ... ELAINE ... and biking and .. LANDIS What am I going to do? ELAINE ... hiking ... LANDIS (wimpers) ELAINE (sees racquet) Could I ... LANDIS If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries) ELAINE (sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis Restaurant Woman's Powder Room Kramer and George enter KRAMER Ma? BABS Cosmo! GEORGE Cosmo? Jerry's apartment JERRY Why didn't you just ask her for it? ELAINE I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again Buzzer JERRY Yeah GEORGE Hey di ho JERRY C'mon up. JERRY So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt? ELAINE augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy JERRY He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy? ELAINE He'll only play with his racquet JERRY Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it? ELAINE That's stealing? JERRY Stealing? You loaned her the racquet! ELAINE I know. George enters GEORGE Hey oh. ELAINE JERRY: Hey JERRY So what happened with Kramer's mother? GEORGE It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works. JERRY What's she like? GEORGE Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend. ELAINE Ah, I'm ready what? JERRY What is it? GEORGE I uh got the first name. ELAINE You found out Kramer's first name? GEORGE That's right. You ready? JERRY We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it? GEORGE Cosmo ELAINE JERRY: Cosmo? GEORGE Cosmo ELAINE JERRY: Cosmo - all laugh - ELAINE Cosmo, Cosmo? Kramer enters KRAMER What's so funny? ... wha? ELAINE COSMO? KRAMER All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag. J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years. ELAINE It's not such a bad name. KRAMER Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo! X's apartment LAURA Yes? JERRY Hi, is Sandy here? LAURA Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in? JERRY I would except I forgot to bring a towel. LAURA (laughs nicely) Monks {Jerry starts.} JERRY So the roommate laughed at everything I said. GEORGE Wow. JERRY It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse "ha's." You know those? GEORGE Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those. JERRY And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man. GEORGE I see. JERRY So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here. GEORGE Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again. JERRY Can't be done, huh? GEORGE The Switch? JERRY "The Switch." GEORGE Can't be done. JERRY I wonder. GEORGE Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it! JERRY They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. GEORGE Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together. JERRY The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be? GEORGE All right, dammit, I'm in. JERRY I couldn't do it without you. GEORGE All right. Let's get to work. {Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.} GEORGE All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning. JERRY Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that! GEORGE We'll come up with something. JERRY Yeah, sure we will. GEORGE All right. See you tomorrow. {George sighs, exits.} {Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.} GEORGE I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!! {Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)} GEORGE All right. Let's go over it again, one more time. JERRY All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a m�nage � trois with her and her roommate. GEORGE That's right. JERRY And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises. GEORGE Keep going. JERRY At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events. GEORGE Continue. JERRY The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request. {George takes over.} GEORGE A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she (Laura) of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered. JERRY Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that. {Another pregnant pause. George?} GEORGE You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem." {Final pause. Jerry?} JERRY It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple. GEORGE {George, finger in the peanut butter jar}: This is what I do. Doubleday Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet. KEITH Can I help you? ELAINE Uh, no, I'm OK. KEITH Well then what are you doing with that racquet? ELAINE Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it. KEITH Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no.. ELAINE No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet. KEITH Look sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing here. But... ELAINE All right. I'm going I'm going KEITH Not with ... ELAINE Give it give it .. KEITH Leave ... ELAINE All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to Miss. Landis do you? KEITH I don't have to but I will. Street Babs and Kramer CLOTWORTHY Morning Cosmo KRAMER Hi Mr. Clotworthy CLOTWORTHY How are you today? KRAMER Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine. LANDIS Hi Cosmo KRAMER My mom Babs. LANDIS Hi Mrs. Kramer BABS Lorraine KRAMER Yes, It's a fine day UNSEEN (Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo? KRAMER Hey, everything my man. Sandy's apartment SANDY What: JERRY You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois. SANDY Oooo, that is a wild idea JERRY Uh? Monks Kramer and Babs KRAMER You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job. BABS Yes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell do you think I'm going to do with myself? KRAMER Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean? BABS I've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together? KRAMER I've got plenty of ideas. BABS I've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want you to call that place today and tell then tha you're through. BABS All right. I'll do it. Restaurant George and Nina NINA Mmmm mm so good. GEORGE ... so glad. NINA Will you excuse me I've got to freshen up. GEORGE And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh WOMAN I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well. WAITRESS Care to see our dessert menu? GEORGE Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs? WAITRESS Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left. GEORGE Babs left? WAITRESS She quit today. George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds. George enters woman's bathroom GEORGE Ah Ha. NINA What are you doing here George? GEORGE I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert. Nina leaves - woman exits stall GEORGE How 'ya feelin'? Street Newman and Babs BABS Hi Newman NEWMAN Hi Babs BABS What are you doin' NEWMAN Minding my own business. BABS You'll never get into trouble that way. NEWMAN What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble? BABS From what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far. NEWMAN ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of finding you. Cigarette? BABS Don't mind if I do. Jerry's Apoartment George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer... Jerry opens his door. JERRY Hey George enters GEORGE What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face. JERRY Ah, that's a shame. GEORGE Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her? JERRY Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there. GEORGE So what happened? She throw you out? Eh? JERRY No actually, she took it pretty well. GEORGE So what happened? JERRY She's into it. GEORGE Into what? JERRY The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too. GEORGE That's unbelievable. JERRY Oh, it's a scene man. GEORGE Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia? JERRY What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it. GEORGE You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it? JERRY I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. GEORGE Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident. JERRY Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it. GEORGE If only something like that could happen to me. JERRY Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either. GEORGE I know. Elaine enters JERRY Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet? ELAINE No, I got caught. JERRY What do you mean you got caught? ELAINE Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office. JERRY I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet. ELAINE Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon. Kramer enters KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hi Cosmo. ELAINE Hi Cosmo KRAMER Thanks man. JERRY Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet? KRAMER Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore. JERRY Hum, but you've got the key to his place right? KRAMER Yeah JERRY Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today. KRAMER All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's GEORGE Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me out to dry. KRAMER She quit. GEORGE It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you could have said something. That's all. Trying to enter newman's apartment KRAMER Don't talk to me George, talk to her. GEORGE Well where is she? KRAMER I don't know. They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch. KRAMER Ma! BABS Cosmo! NEWMAN We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo? THE END

THE MOM AND POP STORE

THE MOM AND POP STORE Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) JERRY I like the names they have for cars. Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron. Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's a "limited" edition...what did they make, fifty million of those? "Yes, it's 'limited' to the number we can sell." Or when they try and mangle a positive word into a car name, you know how they'll do that? The "Integra." Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra." Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona"...or you'll be hearing from my "lawya." (George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.) CAR SALESMAN George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars? GEORGE I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want. SALESMAN I got a LeBaron convertible right here. GEORGE N.I. Not interested. SALESMAN It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight. GEORGE Jon Voight? Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone with Tim Whatley. JERRY Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.) ELAINE Was that Tim Whatley? JERRY Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade? ELAINE I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.) JERRY Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist. ELAINE Why? JERRY He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.) JERRY Uh - new car! ELAINE Ohhh! Mark's Michelle is a dog. JERRY Hey! Did you get the Volvo? GEORGE No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron. ELAINE A LeBaron? JERRY I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car. GEORGE What Consumer? I'm the consumer. JERRY Alright. Seems like...a strange choice. GEORGE Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight. ELAINE Jon Voight? The actor? GEORGE That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle. JERRY You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight? GEORGE No, no... JERRY I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car. GEORGE Alright, maybe I do. So what. ELAINE I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores. ELAINE I like coffee. GEORGE I like (imitates Kramer) "cookies." KRAMER Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood. GEORGE Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there. KRAMER Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.' JERRY I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled. KRAMER Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing. JERRY Alright, take 'em. KRAMER Yeah-yah. Kramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom and Pop's shoe repair shop. POP Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business. KRAMER Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian. MOM So many sneakers! KRAMER Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex. POP They'll be ready a week from Thursday. KRAMER Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) Uh oh. MOM What's the matter? KRAMER Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds. MOM Oh, lie down, and put your head back. KRAMER Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom and Pop look up.) POP What? KRAMER Well, you got wires sticking out every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician. POP You know, in the 48 years we've been here, I don't think we've ever called an electrician. KRAMER Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute. Elaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio. Mr. Pitt enters. MR. PITT Elaine? ELAINE Yes, Mr. Pitt? MR. PITT Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet? ELAINE No, I'm still working on it. MR. PITT What in blazes are you listening to? ELAINE Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." (The song ends.) DJ ON RADIO That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump." MR. PITT Elaine! How did you know that? ELAINE Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records. DJ ON RADIO Congratulations to our listener Wayne Hopper for identifying it. And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.") There are only three spots left. We're going to take a little break now; when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker. MR. PITT Could you identify the next song? Could you? Could you? ELAINE Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker balloon? MR. PITT My father was a stern man. He forbad us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list. ELAINE Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. (Turns up the radio.) DJ ON RADIO Alright, here we go for the next spot under the balloon. If you know the name of this song, call 555-BAND. (The music starts. Elaine listens intently.) MR. PITT Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it? ELAINE Will you shut up? I can't hear! MR. PITT I'm sorry! ELAINE Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! (Grabs the phone to call it in.) MR. PITT Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and forth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville, Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius! Jerry and George walking down the street toward George's new car. GEORGE You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight. JERRY I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it. GEORGE What do you mean "might"? You don't think he really owned this car? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight? JERRY Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up. GEORGE Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.) JERRY Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum. GEORGE Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes. JERRY Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads back to his apartment. George follows.) GEORGE Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American. Cut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry tosses his gummy sneakers on the floor. JERRY Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.) GEORGE Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car... JERRY Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's all my sneakers? KRAMER You said take 'em. JERRY Not all of 'em! KRAMER Well, obviously there was a miscommunication. JERRY Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear? KRAMER Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots. JERRY I can't wear these! KRAMER Well, why not? JERRY They're uncomfortable. KRAMER C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits down and puts the boots on.) GEORGE Where did you get those? JERRY I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous! KRAMER Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh? JERRY But I don't wanna be a cowboy! KRAMER Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party. GEORGE Yeah, I got one too. KRAMER Yeah? JERRY Oh yeah? Huh. GEORGE What? JERRY No, nothing. GEORGE No, what is it? JERRY No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one. GEORGE You didn't get one? JERRY Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited. KRAMER Not necessarily. JERRY Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party? GEORGE That's the genius of it. JERRY I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley. GEORGE Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles the keys.) KRAMER Boss! Mom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring in the ceiling of the shop. POP Four thousand dollars? We can't afford that! ELECTRICIAN Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it, because it's in violation of the building code. Otherwise, they're gonna close you up. POP But what if we can't pay for it? ELECTRICIAN Then I have to report you. Otherwise, I lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.) POP 48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! All because of that idiot and his bloody nose! (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed. (Pop glares at Kramer angrily.) George and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George is humming the tune to "Everybody's Talkin.'" GEORGE So? JERRY C'mon, put the top up, it's November! GEORGE I feel alive, Jerry. JERRY Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil. GEORGE Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil! JERRY With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight. GEORGE Ah! See? I told ya. JERRY Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N. GEORGE So? JERRY Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N? GEORGE So, what are you saying? JERRY Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.) GEORGE Get out of the car! JERRY What? GEORGE That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole experience for me! JERRY Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle! GEORGE Get out! JERRY And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard! GEORGE Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.) TOUGH GUY Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry slips and slides in his cowboy boots and runs away.) Yeah, you better run! Commercial break. Jerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment. GEORGE Did they take anything? JERRY No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots. GEORGE Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car. JERRY You really seemed to enjoy it. GEORGE It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier. JERRY Yeah, that's possible. GEORGE How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal. JERRY He'll dispose of it. GEORGE Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.) ELAINE So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you. JERRY Ah! What'd you find out, Lois? ELAINE Well, I talked to Tim Whatley... JERRY Yeah... ELAINE And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?" JERRY So...? ELAINE Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" JERRY Alright, but let me ask you this question. ELAINE What? JERRY Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring." ELAINE I think he emphasized "would." JERRY You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey, so where's my sneakers? KRAMER That's what I wanna know. JERRY What do you mean? KRAMER Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished. JERRY So all my sneakers are gone? KRAMER I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids. JERRY Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?! KRAMER It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big time. ELAINE So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers. KRAMER Apparently. ELAINE Alright, that's enough of this. JERRY Where ya goin'? ELAINE I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade. JERRY Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? ELAINE He finds his laugh "intoxicating." (Laughs like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.) George in a meeting at Yankee stadium. MR. MORGAN So George, what kind of promotional events are we talking about? GEORGE Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day. MR. MORGAN Jon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza. GEORGE I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back. Elaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other contest winners. CONTEST WINNER I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues." What'd you guess? ELAINE Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes? CONTEST WINNER After the music. (The band starts playing directly behind Elaine. She is deafened by the loudness of the horns.) Kramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed. KRAMER Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.) VOIGHT Taxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi. KRAMER Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.) Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. JERRY No Jon Voight Day, huh? GEORGE No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts? JERRY Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday. GEORGE You should have somebody take a look at that. JERRY I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving. GEORGE You going to the party? JERRY No, I don't know if I'm invited. GEORGE Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there. JERRY Yeah, you're right. GEORGE You don't want to suffer with this all weekend. JERRY Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together. GEORGE Maybe I'll just meet you there. JERRY You don't want to go with me? GEORGE Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder? JERRY The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet? KRAMER No. (To George) But I did run into somebody you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor? GEORGE Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him? KRAMER Well, he was a little standoffish. GEORGE What, you didn't ask him about the car? KRAMER No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look. JERRY What? KRAMER His tooth marks. He bit me. GEORGE Jon Voight bit you? JERRY Well, what is he, a vampire? KRAMER No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet. GEORGE He left perfect imprints. KRAMER That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car! JERRY Oh, please. GEORGE Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid. JERRY No, it's stupid. GEORGE Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks. JERRY So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm. GEORGE It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.) JERRY So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together? KRAMER Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some...party-crasher. Tim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner, then slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep a low profile. JERRY Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you a dentist? Cut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window. GEORGE These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker. KRAMER You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker? GEORGE Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator? KRAMER That's right. He's a troublemaker. (Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs into Jerry.) JERRY Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message? ELAINE What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim? JERRY What is that, the Empire State Building? ELAINE What? I can't hear you. JERRY Elaine, would you marry me? ELAINE I told you, I can't hear a word. JERRY Alright. Forget it. (Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.) GEORGE Hey, Tim. TIM Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They shake hands.) GEORGE Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know you're busy here. TIM No, it's no problem, what is it? GEORGE Let me show you something, take a look at this... (Another guy at the party interrupts.) GUY Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.' TIM Alright, let me take down your number. (Grabs George's pencil, then notices Jerry sitting on the couch.) Is that Jerry Seinfeld? KRAMER He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over to Jerry.) GEORGE Uh, Tim, the pencil... TIM Jerry. JERRY Hey, Tim. TIM Jerry. I didn't think you'd show. JERRY Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show"? (Elaine comes over.) TIM Elaine! Hi! ELAINE Tim. TIM Well. I'm really glad you came. ELAINE What? TIM Really glad you came. ELAINE Uh huh. TIM Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you...would you like to go out with me New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim is offering her a nut, and shakes her head no. Tim, rejected, walks away.) Thanks. ELAINE What? What? (Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.) GEORGE Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil? DENTIST It's possible. GEORGE Roll up your sleeve. DENTIST Somebody bit you? KRAMER Not just someone. Jon Voight. DENTIST Jon Voight bit you? (George notices Tim across the room with the pencil in his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey! Get the pencil out of your mouth, you're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks! TIM That's John Voight's pencil? GEORGE That's right. I got his whole car downstairs. TIM Are you the one who bought his LeBaron convertible? GEORGE Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know Jon Voight! TIM Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with him. GEORGE Jon Voight, the actor? TIM No. The periodontist. (George snaps the pencil in two.) (Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the party to look at his chipped tooth.) DENTIST Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office. JERRY Just a quick peek. I'm in agony. DENTIST Alright. Sit down. JERRY It's this one here in the back. (Tilts his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows to look.) KRAMER Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker! TIM Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're a troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon blows in the window.) Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. ANNOUNCER ON TV Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air. In fact, he's collapsing. KRAMER Those kids look pretty disappointed. JERRY Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello? GUY ON PHONE Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld? JERRY Yes it is. GUY ON PHONE You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened. I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian. JERRY Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers! KRAMER Where are they? JERRY Parsippany, New Jersey. KRAMER Let's go! JERRY My car's in the shop. KRAMER Well, how are we getting to Parsippany? (Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus, en route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.) KRAMER Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again. JERRY Maybe we should get you to a hospital. KRAMER Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here. THE END

THE SEVEN

THE SEVEN Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up. (Antique Toy Store) Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. ELAINE (awed) Oh, look at this! JERRY Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. ELAINE (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest and arms. JERRY (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. ELAINE (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's voice. ELAINE What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? JERRY (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? ELAINE What d'you think? JERRY Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. ELAINE (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. ELAINE Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. CHRISTIE I think your friend needs some help over there. JERRY You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. ELAINE Hey! Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. SUSAN A little baby girl? KEN Doctor says it could be any day now. GEORGE (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me? CARRIE Doesn't make you anything. GEORGE (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and Carrie look perturbed. SUSAN So, have you picked out a name yet? CARRIE Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. SUSAN Aww. GEORGE (negative) Hu-ho, boy. KEN You don't like Kimberley? GEORGE Ech. What else you got? KEN How about Joan? GEORGE Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. SUSAN (warning) George! CARRIE Pamela? GEORGE Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. KEN What? GEORGE Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. CARRIE I don't know, it sounds a little strange. GEORGE All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? KEN Yeah, but uh... Soda? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. It's working. CARRIE We'll put it on the list. GEORGE I solve problems. That's just what I do. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. KRAMER (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. JERRY You're really going to town with that turkey there. KRAMER Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. KRAMER Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. JERRY It's on the door. KRAMER (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. KRAMER Ah, 's no good. Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. KRAMER No. That's bush league. Kramer heads toward the door. JERRY Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey! KRAMER No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand. KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement? JERRY What arrangement? KRAMER Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will. Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. What's with your neck? ELAINE Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself. JERRY Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. ELAINE (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. JERRY Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. ELAINE Ach, maybe. JERRY Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. ELAINE I don't know. JERRY Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it... ELAINE (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up? JERRY Awright. ELAINE God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away. KRAMER Aw, you really hurting, huh? ELAINE Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. KRAMER Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. KRAMER Alright, lean forward, relax. ELAINE (worried) What? What? KRAMER Encounter shiatsu. Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. ELAINE Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? KRAMER (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. ELAINE Ah hah. KRAMER (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. ELAINE (seriously worried) Wha...? KRAMER He's a genius. Here we go... Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. KRAMER From pain, will come pleasure. Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and steps away, job done. KRAMER Uh? Voila. ELAINE (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! KRAMER Yeah. Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. ELAINE Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! JERRY What's even more amazing is his formal training is in paediatrics. KRAMER Awright, my work is done here. Kramer heads for the door. ELAINE (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! KRAMER (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. ELAINE (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? JERRY I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck. ELAINE You really think he wants the bike? JERRY Oh yeah. ELAINE It took him like ten seconds! JERRY Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. (George's Car) George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, smiling and whistling. GEORGE I think they really went for that Soda. SUSAN What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you. GEORGE Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. SUSAN I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. GEORGE Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? SUSAN Yeah. George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. SUSAN What is that? Sign language? GEORGE No, Seven. SUSAN Seven Costanza? You're serious? GEORGE Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... Susan scoffs. GEORGE ...especially a girl. Or a boy. SUSAN I don't think so. GEORGE What, you don't like the name? SUSAN It's not a name. It's a number. GEORGE I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. SUSAN It's awful. I hate it! GEORGE (angry) Well, that's the name! SUSAN (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven! GEORGE (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him about his contretemps with Susan. JERRY Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. GEORGE (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven. Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. JERRY Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl. GEORGE Alright, you having a good time there? Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the array of good within. JERRY I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. GEORGE (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time. Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. JERRY Oh, I forgot to call Christie. GEORGE Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? JERRY Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. GEORGE And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it! JERRY (smug) I'm not engaged. George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. KRAMER Ah, I got it. JERRY Got what? KRAMER (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved. JERRY Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. KRAMER Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want. Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. KRAMER Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple. JERRY Sort of a mooching inventory. KRAMER No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? George passes by as he goes to the fridge. JERRY Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. KRAMER Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost. George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer hears the hiss, and notices George. KRAMER (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, Fastened to the collar. JERRY Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city. A member of staff approaches. MAITRE D' May I take your coat, miss? CHRISTIE Yes, thank you. The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. (Monks') Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George Fingers his chin thoughtfully. GEORGE The same outfit? JERRY The exact same outfit. GEORGE How many days was it between encounters. JERRY Three. GEORGE Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again. JERRY Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle? GEORGE Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. JERRY Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? GEORGE Very curious. JERRY Indeed. GEORGE You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. JERRY Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. GEORGE (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. JERRY Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? GEORGE (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. JERRY You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't Destroy someone else's. GEORGE It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. JERRY How about 'Mickey'? GEORGE 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a cigar in his mouth. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge? KRAMER No, that's yours. My half is gone. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef? JERRY You cannot buy half a can of soda. KRAMER Well, why not. JERRY Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay... Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. JERRY ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... Jerry hold up a half banana. KRAMER Alright. JERRY ...You bite it, you bought it. KRAMER Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. JERRY Thank you. KRAMER Yeah. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? ELAINE Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. KRAMER (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. ELAINE No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse. KRAMER Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher. ELAINE This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike. KRAMER Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... Kramer holds one hand up above his head. KRAMER I always put you up here... Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. KRAMER ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, expectantly. ELAINE (grudging) Alright. KRAMER (points) Digidi. Kramer leaves and closes the door again. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner. GEORGE Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. SUSAN Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. GEORGE Why not? SUSAN Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it. GEORGE So, what're you saying? SUSAN They're gonna name their baby Seven. GEORGE (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up! SUSAN I can't believe that they're using it. GEORGE (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet! SUSAN I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. GEORGE (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang! (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her face. ELAINE (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! (Street) Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the other way gives her a warning. MAN Watch your step. Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. ELAINE (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. CHRISTIE Excuse me. Elaine? Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. ELAINE Huh? Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head and neck. CHRISTIE Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? CHRISTIE Yes. How y'doing? ELAINE (bearing up) I'm fine. CHRISTIE Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. Christie walks away. ELAINE (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. VOICE 1 Lookin' good. VOICE 2 Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. KRAMER You got that right! A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. KID (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. ELAINE (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! (Outside Apartment Building) George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular apartment. KEN Hello. GEORGE Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. ELAINE (angry shout) Kramer! Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's door. ELAINE Kramer!! JERRY Hey Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. ELAINE Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. JERRY Haven't seen him. How's the neck? ELAINE His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before. Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she moves. JERRY Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. ELAINE Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie? JERRY You saw her? What was she wearing? ELAINE I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck. JERRY Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? ELAINE What d'you care? JERRY Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the TV and is heading for the door. ELAINE Did you have a nice ride? KRAMER Oh, great ride. ELAINE Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his stumbling way upright again. KRAMER What're you talking about?! We had a deal! ELAINE (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. KRAMER Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week. ELAINE What? You never told me that. KRAMER Well, it's common sense. ELAINE Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. KRAMER Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this. ELAINE Yeah Jerry. JERRY Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. ELAINE Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? KRAMER Alright, I'm down. JERRY Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind. (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an Impression of limitless wisdom. ELAINE So, that's the situation. NEWMAN Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... KRAMER Newman! Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. NEWMAN ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? KRAMER Uh, yeah. ELAINE Yeah. NEWMAN Alright, let's begin. Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave. NEWMAN (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is explaining about Seven. KEN Why can't we use Seven? GEORGE It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. CARRIE Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. GEORGE Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle! KEN Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual. GEORGE (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda. KEN (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. GEORGE You don't care for Soda?! CARRIE (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! GEORGE (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing! Carrie jumps and gives a cry. CARRIE Oh! KEN What is it? CARRIE I felt something. KEN Are you okay, honey? CARRIE I think I'm going into labour. George flashes a panicked expression. KEN Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital... Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. CARRIE Okay. KEN ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. George trails along behind them, making suggestions. GEORGE What about Six? Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. GEORGE Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. Ken has left, George follows out the door. GEORGE Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! George closes the door behind him. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. CHRISTIE Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. JERRY No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. CHRISTIE I know exactly what you mean. JERRY Oh, I'm sure you do. Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews thoughtfully. JERRY What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. CHRISTIE (horrified) Oh my god! JERRY Oh. Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much you can do. CHRISTIE Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change? JERRY Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. (Ken and Carrie's Car) Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last attempt to save his name. CARRIE Are we almost there? KEN Just keep breathing, okay. CARRIE (deep breaths) Okay, okay. KEN Okay. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. KEN Now's not the best time, George! GEORGE (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... KEN (firm) George! She's in labour! GEORGE (angry shout) So am I! (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration. NEWMAN Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. NEWMAN And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man... Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards. NEWMAN ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. ELAINE (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried. ELAINE Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half. KRAMER No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. NEWMAN Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! ELAINE What?! KRAMER Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. ELAINE (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?! KRAMER Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes. (Christie's Apartment) Christie leads Jerry into her home. CHRISTIE Here we are. JERRY (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. CHRISTIE Well, I guess I'll go change. JERRY Yes, change. By all means, change. Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date written on the photo. JERRY August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses. Jerry gets up from his seat. JERRY There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. CHRISTIE Ahem! Are you looking for something? JERRY What're you doing? I thought you were changing. CHRISTIE No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. JERRY No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. CHRISTIE If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. JERRY You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. CHRISTIE (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. JERRY You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? CHRISTIE (gesturing) Get out. Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it on him. JERRY (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed. (Hospital) Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also hustles along the corridor with the group. KEN Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! CARRIE (shouts) I'm having a baby!! The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery room. Ken turns to face George. KEN George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! Ken strides into the delivery room. GEORGE (desperate) Please! I have so little! George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. ORDERLY Sorry sir, it's family only. The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through The window. GEORGE I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as He screams. GEORGE Seven!! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the kitchen. JERRY Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. KRAMER (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. JERRY Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. Kramer takes a look. KRAMER (does a double take) Yikes. JERRY I know. Pretty steep. KRAMER Well, I don't have this kind of cash. JERRY Few do. KRAMER I'm good for it. JERRY Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. JERRY ...the food court is closed. KRAMER (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more. Kramer leaves at a run. (Street) Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. ELAINE Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell. NEWMAN Gangway! ELAINE This is my bike! Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. NEWMAN Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. Newman begins to ride away. ELAINE (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme... Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. NEWMAN Hey!! Help me! The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. (End) 7.13 "The Seven" EPISODE NUMBER 123 ORIGINAL AIR DATE February 01, 1996 WRITTEN BY Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer DIRECTED BY Andy Ackerman GUEST CAST Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) Shannon Holt (Carrie) Lisa Deanne (Christie) Charles Emmett (Orderly) David Richards (Maitre d') Matthew McCurley (Kid) Josh Abramson (Man #1) Steve Artiaga (Man #2) Cheryl Hunter (Woman) (Nightclub) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up. (Antique Toy Store) Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. ELAINE (awed) Oh, look at this! JERRY Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. ELAINE (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest and arms. JERRY (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. ELAINE (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's voice. ELAINE What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? JERRY (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? ELAINE What d'you think? JERRY Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. ELAINE (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. ELAINE Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. CHRISTIE I think your friend needs some help over there. JERRY You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. ELAINE Hey! Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. SUSAN A little baby girl? KEN Doctor says it could be any day now. GEORGE (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me? CARRIE Doesn't make you anything. GEORGE (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and Carrie look perturbed. SUSAN So, have you picked out a name yet? CARRIE Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. SUSAN Aww. GEORGE (negative) Hu-ho, boy. KEN You don't like Kimberley? GEORGE Ech. What else you got? KEN How about Joan? GEORGE Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. SUSAN (warning) George! CARRIE Pamela? GEORGE Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. KEN What? GEORGE Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. CARRIE I don't know, it sounds a little strange. GEORGE All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? KEN Yeah, but uh... Soda? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. It's working. CARRIE We'll put it on the list. GEORGE I solve problems. That's just what I do. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. KRAMER (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. JERRY You're really going to town with that turkey there. KRAMER Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. KRAMER Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. JERRY It's on the door. KRAMER (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. KRAMER Ah, 's no good. Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. KRAMER No. That's bush league. Kramer heads toward the door. JERRY Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey! KRAMER No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand. KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement? JERRY What arrangement? KRAMER Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will. Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. What's with your neck? ELAINE Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself. JERRY Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. ELAINE (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. JERRY Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. ELAINE Ach, maybe. JERRY Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. ELAINE I don't know. JERRY Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it... ELAINE (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up? JERRY Awright. ELAINE God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away. KRAMER Aw, you really hurting, huh? ELAINE Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. KRAMER Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. KRAMER Alright, lean forward, relax. ELAINE (worried) What? What? KRAMER Encounter shiatsu. Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. ELAINE Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? KRAMER (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. ELAINE Ah hah. KRAMER (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. ELAINE (seriously worried) Wha...? KRAMER He's a genius. Here we go... Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. KRAMER From pain, will come pleasure. Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and steps away, job done. KRAMER Uh? Voila. ELAINE (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! KRAMER Yeah. Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. ELAINE Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! JERRY What's even more amazing is his formal training is in paediatrics. KRAMER Awright, my work is done here. Kramer heads for the door. ELAINE (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! KRAMER (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. ELAINE (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? JERRY I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck. ELAINE You really think he wants the bike? JERRY Oh yeah. ELAINE It took him like ten seconds! JERRY Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. (George's Car) George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, smiling and whistling. GEORGE I think they really went for that Soda. SUSAN What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you. GEORGE Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. SUSAN I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. GEORGE Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? SUSAN Yeah. George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. SUSAN What is that? Sign language? GEORGE No, Seven. SUSAN Seven Costanza? You're serious? GEORGE Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... Susan scoffs. GEORGE ...especially a girl. Or a boy. SUSAN I don't think so. GEORGE What, you don't like the name? SUSAN It's not a name. It's a number. GEORGE I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. SUSAN It's awful. I hate it! GEORGE (angry) Well, that's the name! SUSAN (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven! GEORGE (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him about his contretemps with Susan. JERRY Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. GEORGE (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven. Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. JERRY Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl. GEORGE Alright, you having a good time there? Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the array of good within. JERRY I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. GEORGE (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time. Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. JERRY Oh, I forgot to call Christie. GEORGE Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? JERRY Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. GEORGE And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it! JERRY (smug) I'm not engaged. George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. KRAMER Ah, I got it. JERRY Got what? KRAMER (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved. JERRY Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. KRAMER Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want. Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. KRAMER Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple. JERRY Sort of a mooching inventory. KRAMER No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? George passes by as he goes to the fridge. JERRY Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. KRAMER Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost. George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer hears the hiss, and notices George. KRAMER (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, Fastened to the collar. JERRY Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city. A member of staff approaches. MAITRE D' May I take your coat, miss? CHRISTIE Yes, thank you. The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. (Monks') Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George Fingers his chin thoughtfully. GEORGE The same outfit? JERRY The exact same outfit. GEORGE How many days was it between encounters. JERRY Three. GEORGE Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again. JERRY Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle? GEORGE Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. JERRY Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? GEORGE Very curious. JERRY Indeed. GEORGE You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. JERRY Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. GEORGE (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. JERRY Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? GEORGE (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. JERRY You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't Destroy someone else's. GEORGE It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. JERRY How about 'Mickey'? GEORGE 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a cigar in his mouth. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge? KRAMER No, that's yours. My half is gone. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef? JERRY You cannot buy half a can of soda. KRAMER Well, why not. JERRY Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay... Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. JERRY ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... Jerry hold up a half banana. KRAMER Alright. JERRY ...You bite it, you bought it. KRAMER Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. JERRY Thank you. KRAMER Yeah. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? ELAINE Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. KRAMER (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. ELAINE No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse. KRAMER Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher. ELAINE This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike. KRAMER Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... Kramer holds one hand up above his head. KRAMER I always put you up here... Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. KRAMER ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, expectantly. ELAINE (grudging) Alright. KRAMER (points) Digidi. Kramer leaves and closes the door again. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner. GEORGE Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. SUSAN Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. GEORGE Why not? SUSAN Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it. GEORGE So, what're you saying? SUSAN They're gonna name their baby Seven. GEORGE (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up! SUSAN I can't believe that they're using it. GEORGE (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet! SUSAN I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. GEORGE (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang! (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her face. ELAINE (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! (Street) Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the other way gives her a warning. MAN Watch your step. Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. ELAINE (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. CHRISTIE Excuse me. Elaine? Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. ELAINE Huh? Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head and neck. CHRISTIE Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? CHRISTIE Yes. How y'doing? ELAINE (bearing up) I'm fine. CHRISTIE Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. Christie walks away. ELAINE (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. VOICE 1 Lookin' good. VOICE 2 Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. KRAMER You got that right! A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. KID (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. ELAINE (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! (Outside Apartment Building) George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular apartment. KEN Hello. GEORGE Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. ELAINE (angry shout) Kramer! Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's door. ELAINE Kramer!! JERRY Hey Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. ELAINE Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. JERRY Haven't seen him. How's the neck? ELAINE His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before. Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she moves. JERRY Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. ELAINE Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie? JERRY You saw her? What was she wearing? ELAINE I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck. JERRY Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? ELAINE What d'you care? JERRY Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the TV and is heading for the door. ELAINE Did you have a nice ride? KRAMER Oh, great ride. ELAINE Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his stumbling way upright again. KRAMER What're you talking about?! We had a deal! ELAINE (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. KRAMER Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week. ELAINE What? You never told me that. KRAMER Well, it's common sense. ELAINE Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. KRAMER Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this. ELAINE Yeah Jerry. JERRY Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. ELAINE Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? KRAMER Alright, I'm down. JERRY Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind. (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an Impression of limitless wisdom. ELAINE So, that's the situation. NEWMAN Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... KRAMER Newman! Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. NEWMAN ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? KRAMER Uh, yeah. ELAINE Yeah. NEWMAN Alright, let's begin. Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave. NEWMAN (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is explaining about Seven. KEN Why can't we use Seven? GEORGE It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. CARRIE Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. GEORGE Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle! KEN Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual. GEORGE (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda. KEN (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. GEORGE You don't care for Soda?! CARRIE (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! GEORGE (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing! Carrie jumps and gives a cry. CARRIE Oh! KEN What is it? CARRIE I felt something. KEN Are you okay, honey? CARRIE I think I'm going into labour. George flashes a panicked expression. KEN Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital... Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. CARRIE Okay. KEN ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. George trails along behind them, making suggestions. GEORGE What about Six? Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. GEORGE Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. Ken has left, George follows out the door. GEORGE Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! George closes the door behind him. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. CHRISTIE Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. JERRY No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. CHRISTIE I know exactly what you mean. JERRY Oh, I'm sure you do. Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews thoughtfully. JERRY What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. CHRISTIE (horrified) Oh my god! JERRY Oh. Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much you can do. CHRISTIE Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change? JERRY Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. (Ken and Carrie's Car) Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last attempt to save his name. CARRIE Are we almost there? KEN Just keep breathing, okay. CARRIE (deep breaths) Okay, okay. KEN Okay. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. KEN Now's not the best time, George! GEORGE (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... KEN (firm) George! She's in labour! GEORGE (angry shout) So am I! (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration. NEWMAN Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. NEWMAN And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man... Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards. NEWMAN ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. ELAINE (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried. ELAINE Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half. KRAMER No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. NEWMAN Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! ELAINE What?! KRAMER Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. ELAINE (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?! KRAMER Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes. (Christie's Apartment) Christie leads Jerry into her home. CHRISTIE Here we are. JERRY (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. CHRISTIE Well, I guess I'll go change. JERRY Yes, change. By all means, change. Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date written on the photo. JERRY August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses. Jerry gets up from his seat. JERRY There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. CHRISTIE Ahem! Are you looking for something? JERRY What're you doing? I thought you were changing. CHRISTIE No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. JERRY No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. CHRISTIE If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. JERRY You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. CHRISTIE (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. JERRY You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? CHRISTIE (gesturing) Get out. Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it on him. JERRY (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed. (Hospital) Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also hustles along the corridor with the group. KEN Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! CARRIE (shouts) I'm having a baby!! The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery room. Ken turns to face George. KEN George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! Ken strides into the delivery room. GEORGE (desperate) Please! I have so little! George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. ORDERLY Sorry sir, it's family only. The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through The window. GEORGE I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as He screams. GEORGE Seven!! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the kitchen. JERRY Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. KRAMER (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. JERRY Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. Kramer takes a look. KRAMER (does a double take) Yikes. JERRY I know. Pretty steep. KRAMER Well, I don't have this kind of cash. JERRY Few do. KRAMER I'm good for it. JERRY Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. JERRY ...the food court is closed. KRAMER (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more. Kramer leaves at a run. (Street) Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. ELAINE Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell. NEWMAN Gangway! ELAINE This is my bike! Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. NEWMAN Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. Newman begins to ride away. ELAINE (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme... Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. NEWMAN Hey!! Help me! The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. (End) 7.13 "The Seven" EPISODE NUMBER 123 ORIGINAL AIR DATE February 01, 1996 WRITTEN BY Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer DIRECTED BY Andy Ackerman GUEST CAST Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) Shannon Holt (Carrie) Lisa Deanne (Christie) Charles Emmett (Orderly) David Richards (Maitre d') Matthew McCurley (Kid) Josh Abramson (Man #1) Steve Artiaga (Man #2) Cheryl Hunter (Woman) (Nightclub) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up. (Antique Toy Store) Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. ELAINE (awed) Oh, look at this! JERRY Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. ELAINE (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest and arms. JERRY (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. ELAINE (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's voice. ELAINE What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? JERRY (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? ELAINE What d'you think? JERRY Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. ELAINE (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. ELAINE Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. CHRISTIE I think your friend needs some help over there. JERRY You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. ELAINE Hey! Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. SUSAN A little baby girl? KEN Doctor says it could be any day now. GEORGE (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me? CARRIE Doesn't make you anything. GEORGE (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and Carrie look perturbed. SUSAN So, have you picked out a name yet? CARRIE Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. SUSAN Aww. GEORGE (negative) Hu-ho, boy. KEN You don't like Kimberley? GEORGE Ech. What else you got? KEN How about Joan? GEORGE Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. SUSAN (warning) George! CARRIE Pamela? GEORGE Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. KEN What? GEORGE Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. CARRIE I don't know, it sounds a little strange. GEORGE All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? KEN Yeah, but uh... Soda? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. It's working. CARRIE We'll put it on the list. GEORGE I solve problems. That's just what I do. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. KRAMER (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. JERRY You're really going to town with that turkey there. KRAMER Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. KRAMER Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. JERRY It's on the door. KRAMER (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. KRAMER Ah, 's no good. Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. KRAMER No. That's bush league. Kramer heads toward the door. JERRY Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey! KRAMER No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand. KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement? JERRY What arrangement? KRAMER Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will. Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. What's with your neck? ELAINE Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself. JERRY Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. ELAINE (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. JERRY Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. ELAINE Ach, maybe. JERRY Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. ELAINE I don't know. JERRY Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it... ELAINE (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up? JERRY Awright. ELAINE God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away. KRAMER Aw, you really hurting, huh? ELAINE Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. KRAMER Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. KRAMER Alright, lean forward, relax. ELAINE (worried) What? What? KRAMER Encounter shiatsu. Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. ELAINE Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? KRAMER (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. ELAINE Ah hah. KRAMER (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. ELAINE (seriously worried) Wha...? KRAMER He's a genius. Here we go... Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. KRAMER From pain, will come pleasure. Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and steps away, job done. KRAMER Uh? Voila. ELAINE (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! KRAMER Yeah. Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. ELAINE Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! JERRY What's even more amazing is his formal training is in paediatrics. KRAMER Awright, my work is done here. Kramer heads for the door. ELAINE (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! KRAMER (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. ELAINE (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? JERRY I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck. ELAINE You really think he wants the bike? JERRY Oh yeah. ELAINE It took him like ten seconds! JERRY Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. (George's Car) George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, smiling and whistling. GEORGE I think they really went for that Soda. SUSAN What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you. GEORGE Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. SUSAN I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. GEORGE Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? SUSAN Yeah. George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. SUSAN What is that? Sign language? GEORGE No, Seven. SUSAN Seven Costanza? You're serious? GEORGE Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... Susan scoffs. GEORGE ...especially a girl. Or a boy. SUSAN I don't think so. GEORGE What, you don't like the name? SUSAN It's not a name. It's a number. GEORGE I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. SUSAN It's awful. I hate it! GEORGE (angry) Well, that's the name! SUSAN (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven! GEORGE (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him about his contretemps with Susan. JERRY Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. GEORGE (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven. Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. JERRY Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl. GEORGE Alright, you having a good time there? Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the array of good within. JERRY I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. GEORGE (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time. Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. JERRY Oh, I forgot to call Christie. GEORGE Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? JERRY Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. GEORGE And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it! JERRY (smug) I'm not engaged. George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. KRAMER Ah, I got it. JERRY Got what? KRAMER (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved. JERRY Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. KRAMER Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want. Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. KRAMER Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple. JERRY Sort of a mooching inventory. KRAMER No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? George passes by as he goes to the fridge. JERRY Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. KRAMER Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost. George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer hears the hiss, and notices George. KRAMER (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, Fastened to the collar. JERRY Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city. A member of staff approaches. MAITRE D' May I take your coat, miss? CHRISTIE Yes, thank you. The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. (Monks') Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George Fingers his chin thoughtfully. GEORGE The same outfit? JERRY The exact same outfit. GEORGE How many days was it between encounters. JERRY Three. GEORGE Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again. JERRY Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle? GEORGE Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. JERRY Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? GEORGE Very curious. JERRY Indeed. GEORGE You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. JERRY Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. GEORGE (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. JERRY Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? GEORGE (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. JERRY You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't Destroy someone else's. GEORGE It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. JERRY How about 'Mickey'? GEORGE 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a cigar in his mouth. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge? KRAMER No, that's yours. My half is gone. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef? JERRY You cannot buy half a can of soda. KRAMER Well, why not. JERRY Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay... Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. JERRY ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... Jerry hold up a half banana. KRAMER Alright. JERRY ...You bite it, you bought it. KRAMER Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. JERRY Thank you. KRAMER Yeah. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? ELAINE Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. KRAMER (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. ELAINE No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse. KRAMER Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher. ELAINE This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike. KRAMER Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... Kramer holds one hand up above his head. KRAMER I always put you up here... Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. KRAMER ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, expectantly. ELAINE (grudging) Alright. KRAMER (points) Digidi. Kramer leaves and closes the door again. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner. GEORGE Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. SUSAN Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. GEORGE Why not? SUSAN Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it. GEORGE So, what're you saying? SUSAN They're gonna name their baby Seven. GEORGE (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up! SUSAN I can't believe that they're using it. GEORGE (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet! SUSAN I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. GEORGE (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang! (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her face. ELAINE (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! (Street) Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the other way gives her a warning. MAN Watch your step. Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. ELAINE (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. CHRISTIE Excuse me. Elaine? Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. ELAINE Huh? Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head and neck. CHRISTIE Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? CHRISTIE Yes. How y'doing? ELAINE (bearing up) I'm fine. CHRISTIE Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. Christie walks away. ELAINE (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. VOICE 1 Lookin' good. VOICE 2 Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. KRAMER You got that right! A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. KID (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. ELAINE (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! (Outside Apartment Building) George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular apartment. KEN Hello. GEORGE Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. ELAINE (angry shout) Kramer! Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's door. ELAINE Kramer!! JERRY Hey Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. ELAINE Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. JERRY Haven't seen him. How's the neck? ELAINE His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before. Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she moves. JERRY Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. ELAINE Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie? JERRY You saw her? What was she wearing? ELAINE I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck. JERRY Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? ELAINE What d'you care? JERRY Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the TV and is heading for the door. ELAINE Did you have a nice ride? KRAMER Oh, great ride. ELAINE Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his stumbling way upright again. KRAMER What're you talking about?! We had a deal! ELAINE (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. KRAMER Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week. ELAINE What? You never told me that. KRAMER Well, it's common sense. ELAINE Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. KRAMER Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this. ELAINE Yeah Jerry. JERRY Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. ELAINE Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? KRAMER Alright, I'm down. JERRY Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind. (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an Impression of limitless wisdom. ELAINE So, that's the situation. NEWMAN Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... KRAMER Newman! Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. NEWMAN ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? KRAMER Uh, yeah. ELAINE Yeah. NEWMAN Alright, let's begin. Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave. NEWMAN (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is explaining about Seven. KEN Why can't we use Seven? GEORGE It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. CARRIE Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. GEORGE Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle! KEN Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual. GEORGE (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda. KEN (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. GEORGE You don't care for Soda?! CARRIE (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! GEORGE (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing! Carrie jumps and gives a cry. CARRIE Oh! KEN What is it? CARRIE I felt something. KEN Are you okay, honey? CARRIE I think I'm going into labour. George flashes a panicked expression. KEN Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital... Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. CARRIE Okay. KEN ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. George trails along behind them, making suggestions. GEORGE What about Six? Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. GEORGE Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. Ken has left, George follows out the door. GEORGE Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! George closes the door behind him. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. CHRISTIE Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. JERRY No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. CHRISTIE I know exactly what you mean. JERRY Oh, I'm sure you do. Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews thoughtfully. JERRY What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. CHRISTIE (horrified) Oh my god! JERRY Oh. Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much you can do. CHRISTIE Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change? JERRY Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. (Ken and Carrie's Car) Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last attempt to save his name. CARRIE Are we almost there? KEN Just keep breathing, okay. CARRIE (deep breaths) Okay, okay. KEN Okay. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. KEN Now's not the best time, George! GEORGE (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... KEN (firm) George! She's in labour! GEORGE (angry shout) So am I! (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration. NEWMAN Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. NEWMAN And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man... Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards. NEWMAN ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. ELAINE (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried. ELAINE Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half. KRAMER No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. NEWMAN Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! ELAINE What?! KRAMER Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. ELAINE (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?! KRAMER Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes. (Christie's Apartment) Christie leads Jerry into her home. CHRISTIE Here we are. JERRY (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. CHRISTIE Well, I guess I'll go change. JERRY Yes, change. By all means, change. Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date written on the photo. JERRY August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses. Jerry gets up from his seat. JERRY There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. CHRISTIE Ahem! Are you looking for something? JERRY What're you doing? I thought you were changing. CHRISTIE No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. JERRY No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. CHRISTIE If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. JERRY You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. CHRISTIE (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. JERRY You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? CHRISTIE (gesturing) Get out. Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it on him. JERRY (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed. (Hospital) Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also hustles along the corridor with the group. KEN Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! CARRIE (shouts) I'm having a baby!! The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery room. Ken turns to face George. KEN George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! Ken strides into the delivery room. GEORGE (desperate) Please! I have so little! George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. ORDERLY Sorry sir, it's family only. The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through The window. GEORGE I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as He screams. GEORGE Seven!! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the kitchen. JERRY Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. KRAMER (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. JERRY Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. Kramer takes a look. KRAMER (does a double take) Yikes. JERRY I know. Pretty steep. KRAMER Well, I don't have this kind of cash. JERRY Few do. KRAMER I'm good for it. JERRY Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. JERRY ...the food court is closed. KRAMER (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more. Kramer leaves at a run. (Street) Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. ELAINE Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell. NEWMAN Gangway! ELAINE This is my bike! Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. NEWMAN Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. Newman begins to ride away. ELAINE (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme... Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. NEWMAN Hey!! Help me! The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. (End), 7.13 "The Seven" EPISODE NUMBER 123 ORIGINAL AIR DATE February 01, 1996 WRITTEN BY Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer DIRECTED BY Andy Ackerman GUEST CAST Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken) Shannon Holt (Carrie) Lisa Deanne (Christie) Charles Emmett (Orderly) David Richards (Maitre d') Matthew McCurley (Kid) Josh Abramson (Man #1) Steve Artiaga (Man #2) Cheryl Hunter (Woman) (Nightclub) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up. (Antique Toy Store) Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc. ELAINE (awed) Oh, look at this! JERRY Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front. ELAINE (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that! Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest and arms. JERRY (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya. ELAINE (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little. Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's voice. ELAINE What d'you think Jerry? Jerry? JERRY (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh? ELAINE What d'you think? JERRY Oh yeah, be great for your paper route. ELAINE (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it. Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie. ELAINE Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry. CHRISTIE I think your friend needs some help over there. JERRY You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be. Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie. ELAINE Hey! Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum. SUSAN A little baby girl? KEN Doctor says it could be any day now. GEORGE (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me? CARRIE Doesn't make you anything. GEORGE (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter. George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and Carrie look perturbed. SUSAN So, have you picked out a name yet? CARRIE Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley. SUSAN Aww. GEORGE (negative) Hu-ho, boy. KEN You don't like Kimberley? GEORGE Ech. What else you got? KEN How about Joan? GEORGE Aw c'mon, I'm eating here. SUSAN (warning) George! CARRIE Pamela? GEORGE Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda. KEN What? GEORGE Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda. CARRIE I don't know, it sounds a little strange. GEORGE All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? KEN Yeah, but uh... Soda? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. It's working. CARRIE We'll put it on the list. GEORGE I solve problems. That's just what I do. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way Kramer's demolishing his food stocks. KRAMER (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good. JERRY You're really going to town with that turkey there. KRAMER Oh yeah, I got a big appetite. Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside. KRAMER Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh. JERRY It's on the door. KRAMER (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon. Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge. KRAMER Ah, 's no good. Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it. KRAMER No. That's bush league. Kramer heads toward the door. JERRY Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey! KRAMER No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand. KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement? JERRY What arrangement? KRAMER Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine. JERRY (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will. Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain. KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. What's with your neck? ELAINE Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself. JERRY Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number. ELAINE (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow. JERRY Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it. ELAINE Ach, maybe. JERRY Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it. ELAINE I don't know. JERRY Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it... ELAINE (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up? JERRY Awright. ELAINE God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away. KRAMER Aw, you really hurting, huh? ELAINE Oh, Kramer, it's just awful. KRAMER Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted. Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck. KRAMER Alright, lean forward, relax. ELAINE (worried) What? What? KRAMER Encounter shiatsu. Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs. ELAINE Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here? KRAMER (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points. ELAINE Ah hah. KRAMER (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre. ELAINE (seriously worried) Wha...? KRAMER He's a genius. Here we go... Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the couch, and her feet stamp on the floor. KRAMER From pain, will come pleasure. Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and steps away, job done. KRAMER Uh? Voila. ELAINE (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god! KRAMER Yeah. Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable. ELAINE Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone! JERRY What's even more amazing is his formal training is in paediatrics. KRAMER Awright, my work is done here. Kramer heads for the door. ELAINE (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you! KRAMER (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time. ELAINE (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about? JERRY I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck. ELAINE You really think he wants the bike? JERRY Oh yeah. ELAINE It took him like ten seconds! JERRY Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months. (George's Car) George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, smiling and whistling. GEORGE I think they really went for that Soda. SUSAN What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you. GEORGE Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda. SUSAN I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda. GEORGE Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready? SUSAN Yeah. George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle. SUSAN What is that? Sign language? GEORGE No, Seven. SUSAN Seven Costanza? You're serious? GEORGE Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl... Susan scoffs. GEORGE ...especially a girl. Or a boy. SUSAN I don't think so. GEORGE What, you don't like the name? SUSAN It's not a name. It's a number. GEORGE I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute. SUSAN It's awful. I hate it! GEORGE (angry) Well, that's the name! SUSAN (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven! GEORGE (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him about his contretemps with Susan. JERRY Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service. GEORGE (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven. Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter. JERRY Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl. GEORGE Alright, you having a good time there? Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the array of good within. JERRY I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House. GEORGE (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time. Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs. JERRY Oh, I forgot to call Christie. GEORGE Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store? JERRY Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero. GEORGE And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it! JERRY (smug) I'm not engaged. George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string. KRAMER Ah, I got it. JERRY Got what? KRAMER (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved. JERRY Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want. KRAMER Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want. Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter. KRAMER Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple. JERRY Sort of a mooching inventory. KRAMER No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright? George passes by as he goes to the fridge. JERRY Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike. KRAMER Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost. George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer hears the hiss, and notices George. KRAMER (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, Fastened to the collar. JERRY Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city. A member of staff approaches. MAITRE D' May I take your coat, miss? CHRISTIE Yes, thank you. The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him. (Monks') Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George Fingers his chin thoughtfully. GEORGE The same outfit? JERRY The exact same outfit. GEORGE How many days was it between encounters. JERRY Three. GEORGE Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again. JERRY Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle? GEORGE Maybe she moved it up in the rotation. JERRY Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns? GEORGE Very curious. JERRY Indeed. GEORGE You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day. JERRY Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide. GEORGE (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home. JERRY Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name? GEORGE (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening. JERRY You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't Destroy someone else's. GEORGE It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol. JERRY How about 'Mickey'? GEORGE 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'! George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a cigar in his mouth. KRAMER Hey buddy. JERRY (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge? KRAMER No, that's yours. My half is gone. JERRY What? KRAMER Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef? JERRY You cannot buy half a can of soda. KRAMER Well, why not. JERRY Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay... Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite. JERRY ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana... Jerry hold up a half banana. KRAMER Alright. JERRY ...You bite it, you bought it. KRAMER Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright. JERRY Thank you. KRAMER Yeah. Elaine enters. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose? ELAINE Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike. KRAMER (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal. ELAINE No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse. KRAMER Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher. ELAINE This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike. KRAMER Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine... Kramer holds one hand up above his head. KRAMER I always put you up here... Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height. KRAMER ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww. Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, expectantly. ELAINE (grudging) Alright. KRAMER (points) Digidi. Kramer leaves and closes the door again. (Restaurant) George and Susan are having dinner. GEORGE Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it. SUSAN Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more. GEORGE Why not? SUSAN Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it. GEORGE So, what're you saying? SUSAN They're gonna name their baby Seven. GEORGE (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up! SUSAN I can't believe that they're using it. GEORGE (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet! SUSAN I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with. GEORGE (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang! (Elaine's Apartment) Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her face. ELAINE (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer! (Street) Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the other way gives her a warning. MAN Watch your step. Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision. ELAINE (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer. Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine. CHRISTIE Excuse me. Elaine? Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking. ELAINE Huh? Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head and neck. CHRISTIE Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right? ELAINE Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie? CHRISTIE Yes. How y'doing? ELAINE (bearing up) I'm fine. CHRISTIE Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you. Christie walks away. ELAINE (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you. Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street. VOICE 1 Lookin' good. VOICE 2 Hey Cosmo, nice wheels. KRAMER You got that right! A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo. KID (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike. Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling. ELAINE (shouting) Kramer! Kramer! (Outside Apartment Building) George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular apartment. KEN Hello. GEORGE Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway. ELAINE (angry shout) Kramer! Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's door. ELAINE Kramer!! JERRY Hey Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck. ELAINE Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? Elaine enters Jerry's apartment. JERRY Haven't seen him. How's the neck? ELAINE His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before. Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she moves. JERRY Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around. ELAINE Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie? JERRY You saw her? What was she wearing? ELAINE I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck. JERRY Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression? ELAINE What d'you care? JERRY Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress. There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the TV and is heading for the door. ELAINE Did you have a nice ride? KRAMER Oh, great ride. ELAINE Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last! Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his stumbling way upright again. KRAMER What're you talking about?! We had a deal! ELAINE (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning. KRAMER Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week. ELAINE What? You never told me that. KRAMER Well, it's common sense. ELAINE Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous. KRAMER Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this. ELAINE Yeah Jerry. JERRY Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator. ELAINE Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that? KRAMER Alright, I'm down. JERRY Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind. (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an Impression of limitless wisdom. ELAINE So, that's the situation. NEWMAN Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!... KRAMER Newman! Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality. NEWMAN ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word? KRAMER Uh, yeah. ELAINE Yeah. NEWMAN Alright, let's begin. Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave. NEWMAN (excited) Ooh, my cocoa! Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen. (Ken and Carrie's Apartment) Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is explaining about Seven. KEN Why can't we use Seven? GEORGE It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it. CARRIE Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married. GEORGE Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle! KEN Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual. GEORGE (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda. KEN (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda. GEORGE You don't care for Soda?! CARRIE (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all! GEORGE (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing! Carrie jumps and gives a cry. CARRIE Oh! KEN What is it? CARRIE I felt something. KEN Are you okay, honey? CARRIE I think I'm going into labour. George flashes a panicked expression. KEN Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital... Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door. CARRIE Okay. KEN ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here. Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. George trails along behind them, making suggestions. GEORGE What about Six? Ken gives him a look over his shoulder. GEORGE Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good. Ken has left, George follows out the door. GEORGE Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen! George closes the door behind him. (Restaurant) Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings. CHRISTIE Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet. JERRY No, I'm just a little uh, worn out. CHRISTIE I know exactly what you mean. JERRY Oh, I'm sure you do. Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews thoughtfully. JERRY What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress. CHRISTIE (horrified) Oh my god! JERRY Oh. Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much you can do. CHRISTIE Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change? JERRY Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea. (Ken and Carrie's Car) Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last attempt to save his name. CARRIE Are we almost there? KEN Just keep breathing, okay. CARRIE (deep breaths) Okay, okay. KEN Okay. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven. As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry. KEN Now's not the best time, George! GEORGE (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy... KEN (firm) George! She's in labour! GEORGE (angry shout) So am I! (Newman's Apartment) Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration. NEWMAN Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up. NEWMAN And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man... Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards. NEWMAN ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you. ELAINE (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried. ELAINE Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half. KRAMER No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, y-yeah. NEWMAN Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours! ELAINE What?! KRAMER Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise. Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard. ELAINE (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?! KRAMER Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride. Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes. (Christie's Apartment) Christie leads Jerry into her home. CHRISTIE Here we are. JERRY (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude. Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat. CHRISTIE Well, I guess I'll go change. JERRY Yes, change. By all means, change. Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date written on the photo. JERRY August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses. Jerry gets up from his seat. JERRY There must be a secret stash around here somewhere. Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant at discovering Jerry invading her privacy. CHRISTIE Ahem! Are you looking for something? JERRY What're you doing? I thought you were changing. CHRISTIE No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night. JERRY No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out. CHRISTIE If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down. JERRY You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes. CHRISTIE (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so. Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door. JERRY You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab? CHRISTIE (gesturing) Get out. Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it on him. JERRY (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed. (Hospital) Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also hustles along the corridor with the group. KEN Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe. GEORGE (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then! CARRIE (shouts) I'm having a baby!! The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery room. Ken turns to face George. KEN George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!! Ken strides into the delivery room. GEORGE (desperate) Please! I have so little! George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path. ORDERLY Sorry sir, it's family only. The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through The window. GEORGE I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin! George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as He screams. GEORGE Seven!! (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the kitchen. JERRY Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello. Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone. KRAMER (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box. JERRY Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab. Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. Kramer takes a look. KRAMER (does a double take) Yikes. JERRY I know. Pretty steep. KRAMER Well, I don't have this kind of cash. JERRY Few do. KRAMER I'm good for it. JERRY Yeah, well, until this bill is paid... Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands. JERRY ...the food court is closed. KRAMER (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more. Kramer leaves at a run. (Street) Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her. ELAINE Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell. NEWMAN Gangway! ELAINE This is my bike! Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine. NEWMAN Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride. Newman begins to ride away. ELAINE (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme... Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf. NEWMAN Hey!! Help me! The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle. THE END

THE BARBER

THE BARBER Written by Andy Robin MR. TUTTLE Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We have a small but prestigious group of clients. GEORGE Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious. MR. TUTTLE That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little thing to you. You understand everything immediately. GEORGE I enjoy understanding. MR. TUTTLE I want you to have this job. Of course... SECRETARY Mr. Zimmer is on line 2. MR. TUTTLE Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in. (commercial) At Monk's GEORGE I want you to have this job. Of course... JERRY Yeah? GEORGE That's it. JERRY What do you mean that's it? GEORGE He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview. JERRY "Of course" was the last thing he said? GEORGE Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates." ELAINE "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time." JERRY "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite." GEORGE All right. ELAINE Why don't you go ahead and call him? GEORGE Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him. JERRY So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job. GEORGE And if I don't call... JERRY You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it? GEORGE Rest stop supply. Kramer comes in and sits down. KRAMER Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey. JERRY Shower? KRAMER Haircut. JERRY Who'd you use? Gino? KRAMER Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair. ELAINE What butcher? KRAMER The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses. JERRY Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings. ELAINE You never get good haircuts. KRAMER You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself. JERRY Really? ELAINE Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction. KRAMER What bachelor auction? ELAINE Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity. KRAMER And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio. JERRY I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time. KRAMER Polio? ELAINE Will you go ahead? You need a haircut. JERRY Okay. KRAMER What are you all dressed up for? GEORGE I had a job interview. KRAMER Yeah. How'd it go? GEORGE Good. Of course... At the barber shop ENZO Oh Jerry. JERRY Oh hi Enzo. ENZO Oh, you've come for the haircut. JERRY No, actually I was just... ENZO It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been with me for so long. You're so loyal. JERRY Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave) ENZO (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you. JERRY Well I don't want to take too much off. ENZO Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair. MAN Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had. At Jerry's apartment. Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are looking in disbelief at the haircut. GEORGE He massacred you. You look like you're five years old. JERRY What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps. GEORGE You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship. JERRY I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by. GEORGE You gotta do it. JERRY I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart. Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut. KRAMER No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo. JERRY He did the job. You told me he wasn't going to be there. KRAMER So what? JERRY I didn't want to hurt his feelings. KRAMER His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will. JERRY No Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that. KRAMER I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up. JERRY I don't want you to call him. KRAMER All right, geez. You're crazy. Kramer leaves. GEORGE So I still haven't heard about that job. JERRY Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that? GEORGE I have an idea. JERRY Yeah? GEORGE I show up. JERRY What do you mean you show up? GEORGE I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced. JERRY Hmm. Not bad. GEORGE What's the worst thing that could happen? JERRY Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs. GEORGE Yeah, so? At the office. GEORGE (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning. SECRETARY How can I help you? GEORGE The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell me where my office is. SECRETARY I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today. MIKE Welcome aboard. GEORGE Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard. MIKE I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing. GEORGE Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation. SECRETARY He wants to know where his office is. MIKE Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. You know I should ask Jack. GEORGE Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office. MIKE Really? GEORGE Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled. MIKE All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that. GEORGE Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out. George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat and sits down. He quickly flips through the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud. George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase and his coat and he walks out. At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap. JERRY So what did you do there all day? GEORGE They gave me the Pensky file. JERRY So it's a nice place to work? GEORGE You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. *flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen) GEORGE (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast. *end flashback* JERRY What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you? GEORGE He'll be back on Monday. Elaine enters and sits down. JERRY Hi. ELAINE Hi. How come you're wearing a hat? JERRY I got a haircut. ELAINE Oh yeah? Can I see it? JERRY Oh there's nothing to see. ELAINE Come on. Let me see it. JERRY Forget it. ELAINE Come on. JERRY All right. Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his fist on the table. ELAINE (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. JERRY Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction. ELAINE What? No Jerry, you have to go. GEORGE You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day. ELAINE (dryly) Yeah, too bad. At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave. KRAMER It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it. GINO Sure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen. ENZO Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors. GINO Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man. ENZO Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do on the toilet? KRAMER I'd like to have shoehorn hands. At Monk's. KRAMER Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut. ELAINE Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction. JERRY Yeah, but how am I... KRAMER No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock. ELAINE Can he fix it? KRAMER I don't know. At Gino's apartment. GINO Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair. JERRY Thank you. GINO I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time. JERRY Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while. GINO I don't think uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is. JERRY That's nice of you to say. The buzzer buzzes. GINO Just a second. Yes. ENZO (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo. GINO It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up. "The Barber of Seville" music is playing. Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next room. *knock, knock, knock* Gino opens the door. GINO Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here? ENZO I've come to apologize. GINO Apologize? ENZO Yes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry. GINO He make me cry too. You want something to drink? ENZO Hey, what's all of this? GINO Nothing. It's just hair. ENZO You do haircut in the apartment? GINO No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald. ENZO It looks very familiar. (commercial) At Jerry's apartment. JERRY In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good. KRAMER Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told you he could do it. JERRY Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor. KRAMER Yeah, so? JERRY I think he knew. KRAMER No. He doesn't know. JERRY Who do you know? He knows my hair. KRAMER Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together. JERRY Okay, okay. Elaine enters. ELAINE What happened? It looks the same. JERRY He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught. ELAINE Jerry, the auction is in a few hours. JERRY Take the K-man. ELAINE You can still go. KRAMER What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque. ELAINE You think? KRAMER Do I think? He's repugnant. Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work. ELAINE What would you wear? KRAMER Whatever it takes. At the barber shop. ENZO See, now Newman is a good customer. NEWMAN Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it. ENZO Oh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal. NEWMAN Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special. ENZO You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business. GINO I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back. ENZO Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut? NEWMAN It's okay. A little crooked. ENZO How'd you like to have free haircut for six months. NEWMAN What's the catch? ENZO You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair. NEWMAN Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts. And a comb. At George's office. George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his desk with pencils. *buzz* SECRETARY (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you. GEORGE Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file? Pensky enters. PENSKY Costanza? Arthur Pensky. GEORGE Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder. PENSKY Where's Tuttle? GEORGE He's on vacation. PENSKY He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks like you put a lot of work into this. GEORGE Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog. PENSKY Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me? GEORGE Really? PENSKY You are aware... *buzz* SECRETARY (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza? GEORGE Not now Florice. SECRETARY (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car. PENSKY Damn this city. Pensky leaves. GEORGE I am aware. I am aware. At Jerry's apartment. GINO He knows. He knows about us. JERRY How do you know? GINO Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He *staring* at the hair. *knock knock knock* JERRY Who is it? NEWMAN It's Newman. GINO He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here. JERRY All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape. Jerry opens the door. JERRY What do you want? NEWMAN Can I use your bathroom? JERRY What's wrong with yours? NEWMAN My toilet's clogged. JERRY You can't unclog it? NEWMAN No. JERRY Did you ask Kramer? NEWMAN He's out. JERRY Number one? NEWMAN Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly. JERRY All right. Flush twice. He goes in the bathroom. NEWMAN (thinking to himself) (checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least *one* hair in a brush. (searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some scissors) Ahh. JERRY You all right? NEWMAN Yeah, yeah. JERRY All right, I'll see you later. NEWMAN What are you doing? JERRY I'm watching Edward Scissorhands. NEWMAN Oh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite movie. JERRY Yeah all right. Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. Newman puts the scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. JERRY You want something to drink? NEWMAN No. Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman confused. JERRY If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber. Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair. NEWMAN Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.) Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused. At the barber shop. ENZO Did you get it? Oh you done good Newman. NEWMAN It was a cinch. Where are you going? ENZO Io volgio vandetta. At the auction house. ELAINE Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate. WOMAN A thousand. ELAINE A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much. Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on stage. ELAINE Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate. KRAMER Equivalent. ELAINE Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut. Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off. ELAINE Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks? At Jerry's apartment. JERRY I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking. *knock, knock, knock* JERRY Who is it? ENZO (yelling) Enzo Manginero. "Barber of Seville" music playing. JERRY Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second. ENZO It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night. JERRY No I wasn't there. ENZO Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up. JERRY Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book. GINO Don't Jerry. ENZO So, it's true. GINO Yes it's true. ENZO I'm going to kill the both of you. Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes calm. At the office. George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door. George wakes up. GEORGE Mr. Tuttle, you're back. TUTTLE George, I'm surprised to see you here. GEORGE You are? TUTTLE I though you would have taken the large office. GEORGE Oh. Really. TUTTLE I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week? GEORGE Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace. TUTTLE You haven't done anything with this. GEORGE Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office. TUTTLE I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything. GEORGE You are aware that Pensky is interested in me. TUTTLE (scoffs) You're not Pensky material. GEORGE Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle. At Jerry's apartment. Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They are both sobbing. At the barber shop. "Barber of Seville" music is playing. Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward Newman. Newman is very frightened. (commercial) PENSKY Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you. GEORGE Obviously. *buzz* PENSKY Yes. SECRETARY (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed. George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" plays. THE END

THE DOORMAN

THE DOORMAN Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) JERRY You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? They have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now you wouldthink, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's see how they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!" (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman, stood reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the doorman's voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace. DOORMAN Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you? JERRY (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes. DOORMAN (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that name. JERRY Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt. DOORMAN Oh. House-sitting, mmm. JERRY Yeah. DOORMAN What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie? JERRY Can I just go up? DOORMAN Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you. The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the button for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive. The doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly smile on his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still not moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence. JERRY How 'bout those Knicks? DOORMAN Oh, I see. On the sports page... JERRY Yeah. DOORMAN ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman. Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator will come and rescue him. (Street) George and Kramer walk along together. KRAMER So, you think your parents'll get back together? GEORGE I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house. Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German flag painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George and brings them to a halt. KRAMER Hey, George, stick 'em up. GEORGE What? KRAMER For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you. GEORGE Why? KRAMER So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill. Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat. KRAMER Awright, hands up, porky! On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out the window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling through George's pockets with his free hand. KRAMER That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy! The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass. Kramer grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently. KRAMER (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?! GEORGE Alright, that's enough. KRAMER I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you! Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed. (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment. ELAINE Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go. Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave. JERRY I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again. ELAINE What guy? JERRY The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off? ELAINE Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha. JERRY Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home? ELAINE (unhappy) I... JERRY We'll still make the movie. ELAINE (accepting) Okay, okay. Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at their watches. (George's Apartment) George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt, mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk. GEORGE What'd you do today, dad? FRANK Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi. GEORGE I don't have a hi-fi. FRANK Didn't I give you my old record player? GEORGE (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo. FRANK Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? KRAMER I'm Cosmo. FRANK Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record. KRAMER (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha. GEORGE (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat? FRANK (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt. George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens his shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed as the shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified, and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit. (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding the curtain open and looking down at the street. ELAINE Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go. JERRY Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar. The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer it. ELAINE No, don't... JERRY (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt. Elaine looks exasperated. ELAINE (quietly) Give that to me. ELAINE (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland? Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland. MR. PITT (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party? ELAINE A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry. Jerry is peering out of the window again. JERRY Alright, he just left. We can go. MR. PITT (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone. ELAINE Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, can you grab those empty bottles for me. Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk. MR. PITT I need to know what's in the mail. ELAINE Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying to catch a movie. MR. PITT (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I need to know what's in the mail. ELAINE Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go. Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave. (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new doorman on duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open for him. Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves. (Mr. Pitt's Apartment) Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out on the floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit. ELAINE ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People... MR. PITT (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover? (Street) Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem. DOORMAN Hey, buddy. JERRY (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too? DOORMAN Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it? JERRY So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building? DOORMAN You got a problem with that? JERRY Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye. Jerry walks away. DOORMAN (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, don't you?! (Monk's) George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing a purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if he might never want to eat again. GEORGE My father opened his shirt... JERRY Yeah, and? GEORGE (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer. KRAMER (matter of fact) He had breasts. George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating. Jerry thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye. JERRY What d'you mean, breasts? GEORGE (waves his hands) Big breasts! JERRY So what? A lot of older men have that. KRAMER No, not these. These were real hooters. Jerry pulls a face at the thought. GEORGE I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game. KRAMER Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George. GEORGE (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son? JERRY But, your father's not bald. GEORGE No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather. JERRY Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother. George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues to look deeply worried. KRAMER You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support. GEORGE You mean like a bra? KRAMER A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men. JERRY Boy, that brain never stops working, does it? KRAMER I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this. Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way to the door, as she passes the booth she notices George. BUXOM WOMAN (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins. GEORGE (thinking she means the breasts) What!! BUXOM WOMAN Our shirts. They're the same. GEORGE Oh, Huh, imagine that. The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry. She's not happy about something. ELAINE (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman? JERRY What? Nothing. ELAINE (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him. JERRY What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks? ELAINE Hey, did you make the movie? JERRY No. ELAINE You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up. JERRY Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by? ELAINE Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman? JERRY Yes, we do. Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding the neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment at his chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see if there's any movement. ELAINE What is wrong with George? JERRY He's... trying to get something off his chest. George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet to pay the cheque. GEORGE (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands. (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved. DOORMAN Help you? JERRY (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone. DOORMAN I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back, like people in your world. JERRY (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends. DOORMAN You wanna be friends? JERRY I'd like to be. DOORMAN Then watch the door for a minute, would you? The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter. JERRY What? DOORMAN Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute. JERRY Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do? DOORMAN It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that. JERRY Oh. The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not thrilled about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open, and a young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After a second, Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow the woman to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into the elevator vacated by the woman. JERRY (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello! The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens and another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him. JERRY Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here? MR. GREEN (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested. Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building, but he looks resentful about it. JERRY (after the guy) You think you're better than me? (Bus) George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it rattles, shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George is strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another guy on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight shut, and crosses his arms firmly. (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. A FedEx delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a barcode on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches, disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something. DELIVERY GUY (indicating) You have to sign for it. JERRY Oh, right. Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back to the newspaper. DELIVERY GUY (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh? Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might. JERRY (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah. The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry puts the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign of the doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with a wave of the hand as he moves to the elevator. (George's Apartment) Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record player. KRAMER Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh. FRANK Thank you, Kramer. KRAMER Yeah. FRANK (indicating a chair) Put it over there. Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch, not moving very easily. KRAMER So, how you feeling? FRANK Tired. KRAMER Uh huh. Your back hurt? FRANK How did you know? KRAMER Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there. FRANK (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here? KRAMER Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype. Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric. FRANK You want me to wear a bra?! KRAMER No, no. A bra is for ladies. Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest. KRAMER Meet, the bro. (Estelle's Car) Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George. ESTELLE So, is your father excited about coming home? George is miles away. ESTELLE George? GEORGE (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma? ESTELLE All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother? GEORGE Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your roots. ESTELLE She was a lovely woman. GEORGE Yuh. What about physically? ESTELLE Physically? GEORGE Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like? ESTELLE Well, you've seen pictures. GEORGE (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures. ESTELLE So what? GEORGE Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman? ESTELLE Big? No, just my height. GEORGE Bosomy? ESTELLE Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?! GEORGE (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could be relevant. ESTELLE Where do you get your genes from?! GEORGE (to himself) That's what I'd like to know. (Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building) Elaine and Jerry ride down. ELAINE I can't believe you left your post. JERRY He left me there. You see the mind games? The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open. (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing around, and a uniformed cop taking notes. ELAINE (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here? TENANT 1 Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby. Jerry and Elaine look shocked. TENANT 2 Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door? ELAINE (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here. JERRY Yeah. Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste. (George's Apartment) Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and Kramer are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands behind Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and Estelle enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned. ESTELLE (shocked) Oh, my god! George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively unfazed Frank. (Jerry's Apartment) The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red dress, give a very noirish look to the scene. ELAINE What were you doing watching the door anyway? JERRY He asked me to. We were getting along. ELAINE (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep. JERRY Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up! ELAINE (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight. JERRY Alright, well what if we say... ELAINE Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up... JERRY I came to pick you up. ELAINE Yeah. That's what I just said. JERRY I know. I was just... ELAINE Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping. JERRY Alright, well. Just, start again, then. ELAINE Okay, you came to pick me up at... JERRY Right. ELAINE You see? Again. JERRY What? I said right. Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot. ELAINE Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman. JERRY But the doorman's gonna say that I was there. ELAINE (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman! JERRY But I don't know if this is gonna work. ELAINE (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking! JERRY Okay. ELAINE Good. Now fix me a drink. (George's Apartment) Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro. KRAMER How's that feel? FRANK This feels very comfortable. KRAMER You see? FRANK I feel ten years younger. KRAMER Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you. Frank walks a few paces. FRANK And I can breathe easier, too. KRAMER I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right? FRANK Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business. KRAMER (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the bro, bro. FRANK Let's do it! Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake. FRANK Except, we gotta do something about the name. KRAMER Why, what's wrong with bro? FRANK No, bro's no good. Too ethnic. KRAMER Alright, you got something better? FRANK How 'bout uh... the mansiere? KRAMER Mansiere? FRANK That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it? George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside. GEORGE (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again. FRANK Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere? George looks down at the floor for a few seconds. GEORGE Dad. We need to talk. (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton. DOORMAN I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes. Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator. MRS. PAYTON Why should I believe you? DOORMAN (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend. Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan. MRS. PAYTON I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery. The doorman peers over at the conversing ELAINE Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say? MRS. PAYTON He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door. ELAINE (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he? Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He brings out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton. DOORMAN Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) at the exact same time the couch was stolen. Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as she's caught out. ELAINE (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything. The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of triumph. ELAINE (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames. The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture. (Monk's) Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated Elaine facing them. JERRY You're saying I'm responsible for the couch? ELAINE (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it. JERRY (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one! ELAINE Is it possible we were victims of a sting? JERRY I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies. Jerry stares off, as he imagines... (Jerry's Imagination) In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale. DOORMAN 2 So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch? DOORMAN No. I was just messing with his head. DOORMAN 2 And they think they're better than us? The doormen whoop it up again (Monk's) Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen. ELAINE Anyway, Jerry... Jerry? Jerry snaps back to the here and now. ELAINE We have to replace the couch. JERRY Now we have to buy a new couch?! A thought occurs to George. GEORGE (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me? JERRY The one with the Poppie stain?! GEORGE Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out. ELAINE But it's got a pee-stain on it. GEORGE No, the cushion's turned over. ELAINE (not sure) I guess. GEORGE (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect! (Sid Farkus' Office) Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank. Kramer is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus. KRAMER Now, it's called the bro. FRANK Or, the mansiere. KRAMER Yeah, but I prefer the bro. FRANK I like mansiere. Kramer puts the bro on the desk. FARKUS Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea. KRAMER Yeah. FARKUS You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising fifty percent of the market. FRANK (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh? KRAMER (to Frank) I told you. FARKUS And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support. I know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling. FRANK (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon. Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon. FARKUS (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? What? KRAMER Uh. FRANK Definitely velcro. Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer. KRAMER Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there. The three of them chuckle at the thought. KRAMER I think we've all experienced that. They share a manly laugh. FARKUS Summer nights. The laughter continues for a moment. KRAMER (pointing at Farkus) Very funny. FARKUS Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont... KRAMER Of course, yes. FARKUS ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner. Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and moves toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand. FARKUS (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and Estelle separating. Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave. FRANK Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move on. FARKUS (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with you, if I were to ask her out? FRANK (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get the nerve to ask me something like that?! FARKUS Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying... Kramer tries to calm Frank down. FRANK I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!! FARKUS No, Frank... FRANK C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy. Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down' look and follows Frank out the door. KRAMER Frank! (George's Apartment) Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase. GEORGE Jerry took the couch back. FRANK He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it? GEORGE Oh, I pleaded with him. FRANK Where am I supposed to sleep? GEORGE Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming to get you. KRAMER I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain? George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up. FRANK What stain? KRAMER Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain. George bites his lip and shakes his head. FRANK (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch? GEORGE (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over. FRANK (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!! George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door. GEORGE Ah! There's mom, there's mom. George races over and opens the door. ESTELLE Is it safe to come in? GEORGE Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course. ESTELLE You're not having any of your transvestite parties? FRANK Will you stop it? ESTELLE (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover! As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record player. FRANK Here, Cosmo... KRAMER Oh, hey. FRANK ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now... KRAMER Awright, I got it. FRANK ...I got one at home. George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his face. ESTELLE Alright, let's go. Kramer opens the door. FRANK We'll go out for dinner tonight. ESTELLE I can't tonight, I'm busy. FRANK What d'you mean, busy? ESTELLE I'm having dinner with someone. FRANK With whom? George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders. ESTELLE Sid Farkus. FRANK (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman. George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help carry them out to the car. ESTELLE Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em. FRANK Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home! Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops. GEORGE (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep! FRANK We'll work something out. George drops the cases in disappointment. (Street) The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around the corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one of the witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes. She climbs out of the bus and points after Kramer. GERMAN WOMAN Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him! Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He turns back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus and join the woman as she follows Kramer. GERMAN WOMAN Stop that man! It's him. Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing past bystanders as the tourists close on him. GERMAN WOMAN Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, I know. Help. Stop him. Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped by the tourists, who block his escape. HORST Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours. KRAMER Now, look. Somebody gave it to me. HORST You're a thief. We have proof. Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket. HORST What is that? Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it up against his body, to illustrate his words. KRAMER The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for men. One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder at Kramer's explanation. HORST How does it connect in the back? With a hook? KRAMER Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro. The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking much more jovial. HORST (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, ah? The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly German holding the bro up to himself. HORST Is gut, ja? (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building) Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs. Payton regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery men leave. MRS. PAYTON Well, I suppose it'll have to do. ELAINE It's a beautiful couch. JERRY It's hardly been used. Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a familiar character steps out and is noticed by Jerry. JERRY Poppie! POPPIE Oh, hello, Jerry. JERRY What're you doing here? POPPIE Visiting my friend. JERRY Ohh. Hey, how you feeling? POPPIE Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation. JERRY Hmm. POPPIE So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I get excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, was in the restaurant. With your friend. Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry nods, remembering and in sympathy. POPPIE She start the big fight, about abortion. Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach, and is not happy. POPPIE It's you! It's you! ELAINE Wha...? POPPIE You! I... I gotta sit down! Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch. JERRY No, Poppie! No!! Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions, of Jerry and Elaine. (George's Apartment) George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small bowl. George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed whilst keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles back. Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought occurs. Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste. FRANK Kasha? George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto the bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl. GEORGE No. Thanks, dad. Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside lamp. Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha. THE END

THE STRONG BOX

THE STRONG BOX Written by Dan O'Keefe & Billy Kimball George, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend. GEORGE I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up. MAURA No. MAURA We're not breaking up. MAURA No. GEORGE She said no. JERRY What did you do? GEORGE What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie. JERRY George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments. GEORGE Well, I don't really like her. JERRY That's good. GEORGE I don't find her attractive. JERRY Solid. GEORGE I'd like to sleep with a lot of other women. JERRY Always popular. GEORGE Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are so good.' JERRY You have an airtight case. GEORGE And in bed-- JERRY I'm afraid we're out of time. GEORGE What? JERRY Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em at an auction. GEORGE I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you. JERRY No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him. GEORGE You already have an in. You have the same first name. Jerry. JERRY Oh, that'll intrigue him. GEORGE Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week. JERRY George Peppard has been dead for years. GEORGE Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team. based on the method of execution? ELAINE Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything to heavy. GLENN So, um, why don't we get together some time? ELAINE Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number? GLENN I think it'd be better if I called you. ELAINE Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. Do-do you work around here? GLENN Mmmm... no, not really. ELAINE So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself? GLENN I think you're very beautiful. ELAINE, LAUGHING Oh, ha ha. That'll do. ELAINE I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks. I think it might be over. JERRY So, what's this guy about? ELAINE I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked. I'll be he's in a relationship. JERRY Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern! ELAINE Which one is he? JERRY Green suit, power ring. ELAINE I don't care for jewellery on men. Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box. KRAMER Hey. It happened again. Another robbery in the building. JERRY So you bought a cooler? KRAMER It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables. ELAINE And... what would those be? KRAMER Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony, my... military discharge. JERRY You were in the Army? KRAMER Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. ELAINE Literally. KRAMER 'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean? You mind if I hide this somewhere? JERRY No, go ahead. JERRY Oh, come on! KRAMER Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue. Boy, you wouldn't last a day in the Army. KRAMER Well, that's classified. JERRY Kramer? ELAINE No, the Green Lantern. KRAMER OK! ELAINE Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get. (Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally stumbles on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see) KRAMER You peeked! JERRY This is your hiding place?! KRAMER It was under a spoon! officially broken up. Thank you, and good night. MAURA No, George, we're not. GEORGE But I proved it! MAURA I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys. GEORGE Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key. MAURA I'm sorry, George, I can't do that. GEORGE Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key! involved? GLENN Well, I might ask you the same thing. ELAINE, IN HER MIND That's true, maybe he's not married. (Glenn gives her a flower) ELAINE Oh, that is so sweet. ELAINE, IN HER MIND How long do I have to hold this? ELAINE Who is it? me show you a short cut. Come on. ELAINE, IN HER MIND Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. ELAINE You didn't hear me buzzing? JERRY Oh, I guess it's broken. ELAINE Throw down your key. JERRY It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer. ELAINE I'll catch it! JERRY You'll chicken out at the last second. ELAINE Yeah, you're right. ELAINE All right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out? JERRY All right. JERRY, AFTER A PAUSE Hey, you know what's weird? ELAINE Huh? JERRY I used to be able to have a huge meal, go right to sleep. But I can't anymore. ELAINE Nodding off! ELAINE Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me. ELAINE I'm hungry. Can you throw something down? are you doin'? JERRY You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom! KRAMER You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know everything about it. You're so obsessed with me. KRAMER What are you doing with her? KRAMER Security issue! in. guy. JERRY So, he's definitely married, huh? ELAINE Yeah... JERRY Boy, I would've loved to have been there when you told him off. ELAINE Hmm... JERRY Oh, come on! ELAINE Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run. (Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment) KRAMER All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. (George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention) JERRY George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down! Jerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the key in his COAT POCKET I believe this belongs to you. KRAMER Heyyyy! Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him eating a GRANOLA BAR Where did you get that? GEORGE I bought it. PHIL What? JERRY There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in. PHIL But, I live here. I ran out to get some birdseed, and-and I forgot my key. GEORGE Sounds like a scam. JERRY Great, you're lonely and miserable again. GEORGE Feels right. JERRY Is that guy still there? JERRY Don't look at him. GEORGE Want a bite? JERRY No, I don't. GEORGE, IN HIS MIND I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. GEORGE What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship, twice. MAURA George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight. GEORGE Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup? MAURA George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner. GEORGE All right. MAURA Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot. little... love nest? GLENN It's nothing special, just a little place I keep. ELAINE Oh. GLENN Ah, should I light a fire? ELAINE Oh, that sounds romantic. the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here. ELAINE, IN HER MIND This is wrong. I should go. GLENN, FROM OUTSIDE Can you get that, please? ELAINE Oh, sure. (Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from the street that Glenn had avoided earlier) LADY Where's Glenn? ELAINE You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear. LADY Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home? ELAINE This is his home? LADY Yes. ELAINE So, he's... LADY Poor. will burn! Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get IN WITH HIM So you do live here. PHIL Yeah. (going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence) PHIL Yeah. Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from KRAMER'S So you live right... there. PHIL Yeah. JERRY So I guess I'll see-- (Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him) doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor. JERRY Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels, with the straps? ELAINE He probably busted it up and burned it for heat. JERRY So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers? ELAINE How can I end it over money? I feel bad. JERRY Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation? ELAINE Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans. JERRY Good. How did you handle that? ELAINE Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street. JERRY Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean. ELAINE Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be? JERRY Hey, where have you been? GEORGE Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt. ELAINE If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things would have been so much simpler. GEORGE Who's this, Blue Arrow? ELAINE Green Lantern. JERRY We found out his super power was lack of money. ELAINE All right. JERRY He's invulnerable to creditors. ELAINE We get it. JERRY He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern. ELAINE Thank you. JERRY Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan. ELAINE, LEAVING Well crafted. GEORGE Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura. JERRY Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair. George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's side VACANT She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it. JERRY Could you move over there? (George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other) GEORGE Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me. JERRY Really? How come you never pursued her before? GEORGE She's too tan. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot. JERRY, TO ELAINE He can wipe out his checking account in a single bound! (Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs some sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise) KRAMER Hey. JERRY There's a giant parrot in the hallway. KRAMER It's Phil's. JERRY Who? KRAMER Our neighbor that you turned against. Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway. JERRY What'd ya tell him that for? KRAMER Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place. JERRY Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch? KRAMER Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's JERRY He let you? KRAMER No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people. You! (going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by the parrot, because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside Jerry's place) say you've been in the city all winter? LORETTA I was in Maine for a couple days. GEORGE Well... here we are. LORETTA George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you. GEORGE Ho ho! LORETTA But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon. GEORGE Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam. LORETTA I want to build something with you, George. GEORGE Oh, not more building. LORETTA And I won't take no for an answer. GEORGE No? LORETTA No. GLENN It's a surprise. ELAINE, GIGGLING Oh. (a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a trash can; Glenn immediately goes for the bag) ELAINE What are you doing? What is that? GLENN It's a bag of donuts. ELAINE It's garbage. the old ones come out right here. your last name? idea how rare this is. ELAINE I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty? ELAINE Make it three hundred. the garbage can of my life. (the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the alley, and splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each other to notice) Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning gloves JERRY Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door. PHIL And? JERRY I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there. PHIL That's my wife. relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman who won't have sex with you. GEORGE This isn't going well. JERRY I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in! name. Jerry! JERRY Where are you goin'? Help me look. GEORGE It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of Godspell with the other. JERRY Which is with who? GEORGE, LEAVING It doesn't matter. clean up nice. JERRY I can't go until I find my cufflinks. KRAMER Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox. JERRY You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please? pick up the key. (in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying, going into their apartment) KRAMER Hey, what's going on? PHIL Fredo is dead. JERRY That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator? PHIL No! my bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. JERRY Oh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry. PHIL Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food. JERRY But I, I didn't-- (Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer) JERRY Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird? KRAMER Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator. JERRY Just get the key and let's get out here. KRAMER You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence. JERRY Kramer!? KRAMER What? JERRY You killed Fredo! KRAMER Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've eaten that key. JERRY Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird. What are we gonna do? KRAMER You just answered your own question. JERRY Oh, no. odd choices. LORETTA What? GEORGE I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating. GEORGE Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?! MAURA You told me to meet you here for lunch. MAURA, TO LORETTA I'm Maura. LORETTA, TO MAURA I'm Loretta. You want to join us? GEORGE This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... MAURA George, what we have is too important. We can work through this. LORETTA So can we. GEORGE What? So, this is still not over? MAURA No. GEORGE You? LORETTA No. ELAINE Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em. ELAINE Who is this? ALLISON His wife. ELAINE You're poor and married? GLENN Looks like it. ALLISON Who the hell are you? ELAINE I guess I'm Lois Loan. robbers. like that on my tombstone. God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up. KRAMER All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him. KRAMER Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out. (as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off, trips over a tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again) Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace. now let's cut him open! 'MRS. PHIL' Oh! JERRY Hey, neighbor. gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each. GEORGE, TO ELAINE What do you think? ELAINE Give me forty, you'll never see me again. (Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away) ELAINE, TO JERRY So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what? JERRY Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building. KRAMER Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess I forgot to lock it. JERRY You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for something? KRAMER Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really one for the books. THE END

THE SUMMER OF GEORGE

THE SUMMER OF GEORGE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (George and Jerry at a cafe terrace) JERRY Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series. GEORGE I got to give the players most of the credit for that. JERRY Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, buses. GEORGE No, I don't know who was doing that. JERRY So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did? GEORGE They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe. (Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks) LANETTE Here you go. Your latte, your cappuccino. (Waitress leaves) JERRY Maybe I should ask her out? GEORGE She is a good waitress. JERRY That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's. GEORGE You're going to the Tony's? JERRY Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets. GEORGE Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?' JERRY They're musicians. That's not a joke. GEORGE It's a funny observation. (George reads a letter) GEORGE Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing. JERRY They did it for three years. What's another few months. GEORGE I'm really going to do something with these three months. JERRY Like what? GEORGE I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order. JERRY I've always wanted to do that... GEORGE I'm gonna play frolf. JERRY You mean golf? GEORGE Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George! ( A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside) ------------------------------------------------------ (Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.) ELAINE ...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him. (A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides her.) ELAINE Who's that? DUGAN That's Sam, the new girl in the counting. WALTER What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis. DUGAN She walks like orangutan. ELAINE Better call the zoo. DUGAN Reer... ELAINE What? WALTER ssssss... DUGAN Cat-ty... ------------------------------------------------------ (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.) ELAINE It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases. JERRY Like this? (imitates the walk) ELAINE Yes, exactly. JERRY That's so strange. ELAINE Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard. JERRY Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10? ELAINE That is so stupid. JERRY Reer. GEORGE Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on... JERRY Boy, your really packing it all in. GEORGE Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today. JERRY Like what? GEORGE I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it. (Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe) KRAMER Hey Jerry, you got any Tums? JERRY Stomach ache? KRAMER I drank too much water in the shower. JERRY Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's. GEORGE Shadow! KRAMER Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy. ELAINE You're going to the Tony's too? KRAMER Roger that. JERRY Where are you sitting? KRAMER Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back. ELAINE How did you get that job? KRAMER Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy. JERRY What academy? KRAMER Well, he didn't say (leaves). ------------------------------------------------------ (Jerry comes to pick up Lanette) LANETTE Hi! JERRY Hi! LANETTE Nice tuxedo. JERRY Thanks, it's a breakaway. LANETTE Should we go? JERRY Absolutely. LANETTE Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle. LYLE Hey, how you doing? JERRY Ok... (Lyle and Lanette kiss) LANETTE Bye. LYLE Have a good time. JERRY Thanks, Lyle... --------------------------------------------------------- (At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands up.) KRAMER Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered. (man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat) KRAMER I'll just squeeze in... MAN What are you doing? KRAMER My job. What are you doing? (Kramer looks at the woman next to him) KRAMER You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do. (Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.) JERRY So, you and Lyle are roommates? LANETTE No. JERRY Gay? LANETTE What? JERRY Is he gay? LANETTE No. JERRY Are you sure? LANETTE I think I would know. JERRY TO HIMSELF This is a new one. (Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the head. Then points the blame to lady next to him.) ANNOUNCER ...and the best musical award goes to: Scarsdale surprise! (People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking Kramer with them.) (George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out of his new recliner.) GEORGE Kramer? (TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.) MR. GRAHAM ON TV Thank you and God bless you all. This has truly been a Scarsdale surprise! ------------------------------------------------------------------ (At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.) SAM Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time. ELAINE Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk. SAM My arms? ELAINE You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman. SAM I a caveman? ELAINE No no no no, it's just... SAM Everybody told what a catty shrude you are. Your horrible! ------------------------------------------------------------------ (5A. Jerry and George.) GEORGE She had a dude? JERRY Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude. GEORGE How do you know it was her dude? JERRY What do you think it could've been just some dude? GEORGE Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen. JERRY I reckon. GEORGE Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude. JERRY Dude! (They make a high five.) GEORGE All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap. JERRY It's 10:30 in the morning? GEORGE I tell you; I'm wiped. JERRY So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing? GEORGE De-compressing. (Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.) KRAMER Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you. JERRY You didn't give that thing back? KRAMER Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win. JERRY That's because you didn't win. GEORGE 'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder. KRAMER Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch! JERRY You haven't even seen it. KRAMER Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's! GEORGE What, Minelli's!?! KRAMER No. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.) ELAINE Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day. SAM No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more. ELAINE See, yeah, that's all I was saying. SAM How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right). ELAINE Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it... --------------------------------------------------------------------- (Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing a towel.) JERRY Hi! LANETTE Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time. JERRY No rush. (Lyle walks by wearing a towel.) LYLE Hey, Jerry! What's up? JERRY TO HIMSELF I have absolutely no idea. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.) (missing the beginning) JERRY ..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged! (Kramer comes in with the Tony.) GEORGE Who's that? JERRY It's Kramer. GEORGE Hey Kramer. JERRY George says hi. GEORGE How's that Tony? JERRY Why don't you just come over? GEORGE Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now? JERRY He's looking on to fridgerator. GEORGE Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles? JERRY I can't do this. KRAMER So, what's George doing? JERRY He's not doing anything. Goodbye! KRAMER So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go? JERRY Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's? KRAMER The Tony is taking me to Sardi's. (Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.) JERRY Oh, hello. KRAMER I'm going. LANETTE Congratulations! KRAMER Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone... JERRY All right, all right. (Phone rings and Jerry answers.) JERRY I said no! (hangs up the phone.) LANETTE Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you. JERRY Just me? No dudes or fellas? LANETTE What you think? JERRY I can start right away. (Phone rings again.) JERRY But not here. (They leave.) ------------------------------------------------------------- (At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.) KRAMER ...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see. MR. GRAHAM Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton Graham. I'm one of the producers of 'Scarsdale surprise'. KRAMER Hey, eh, Lew! MR. GRAHAM We need to talk. ------------------------------------------------------------- (Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.) PETERMAN Elaine, what did you want to talk me about? ELAINE This. My office. Sam trashed my office. PETERMAN Well, I see what's going on in here. I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. ELAINE Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms. PETERMAN Woof! ELAINE Do you mean "reer?" PETERMEN Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine. (Leaves.) ELAINE Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings... ----------------------------------------------------------------- (At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.) JERRY I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life. LANETTE Now, what time are you picking me up tonight? JERRY Eh, what? LANETTE You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you? JERRY Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that. LANETTE Should I ware the outfit I bought today? JERRY Sure. LANETTE Which one? JERRY The one with the...(mumbles.) LANETTE If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called. JERRY Ok, ok... LANETTE Do you mind? JERRY No, I'll crab it. (Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George walks in.) GEORGE Hey, I've done that today. JERRY What, did you lose your remote? GEORGE Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead. JERRY It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something. GEORGE (Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up? JERRY Not. GEORGE No, no... JERRY No, because that's... GEORGE No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up? JERRY Here. GEORGE Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves. JERRY I'm trying. GEORGE I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man. JERRY Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right! ------------------------------------------------------------------ (Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.) MR. GRAHAM I'm sure how excited you are to have this very very prestigious award. But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production. KRAMER No. MR. GRAHAM I don't think there's no way how we can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless... KRAMER Anything... MALCOLM Are you familiar with our star, Raquel Welch? KRAMER Oh yeah, she's fantastic.... MR. GRAHAM She's a train wreck. MALCOLM There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover. MR. GRAHAM It is a gut wrenching scene. MALCOLM But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances. It's very distracting. MR. GRAHAM There's lot of this (swings his arms) in tap dancing. KRAMER So, you'd like me to teach how to dance? MALCOLM No, we want you to fire her. ---------------------------------------------------------- (5A. Jerry and Kramer.) JERRY Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch? KRAMER Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true. JERRY She seems very nice. KRAMER Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like. JERRY I'm in show business. KRAMER Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive. JERRY I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help. KRAMER Yayaya... (Elaine enters.) ELAINE Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me. (Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.) SAM'S VOICE Elaine...I am going to find you. If not in your office then in the xerox room or the little conference room near to the kitchen... ELAINE She must've got a blueprint of the building or something. JERRY Did you tell Peterman about this? ELAINE Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight. KRAMER Cat fight? ELAINE Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight? KRAMER Yeye cat fight! JERRY Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss. KRAMER T-t-t-t... ----------------------------------------------------------------- (Jerry and George are walking down the street.) JERRY You got the tickets? GEORGE Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater? JERRY I like it. GEORGE She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.) JERRY What? GEORGE Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger! JERRY Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations. GEORGE A little notice would've helped! How many people? JERRY 35, and George, on the invitations... GEORGE I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go... (Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.) LANETTE Right on time, I like that. JERRY I like your nails, that is a great color. LANETTE Love the sweater. JERRY This old thing? ---------------------------------------------------------------- (George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.) GEORGE Hi, I need some party invitations. CLERK Okay, have you been in here before? GEORGE About a year ago. Wedding invitations. CLERK Right, how did that all work out? GEORGE No complaints. CLERK Well, they are arranged according the price. And as I recall...(she flips the sample book all the way to the end.) GEORGE Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones. -------------------------------------------------------------------- (Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.) RAQUEL "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale." (Kramer knocks on the door and enters.) KRAMER Ms. Welch. RAQUEL Who are you? KRAMER Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers. (Phone rings and Raquel answers.) RAQUEL Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still here. KRAMER Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance. (Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.) RAQUEL What kind of problem? KRAMER Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks... RAQUEL Out with it! KRAMER Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go... (Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.) -------------------------------------------------------- (George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies to his feet.) GUY Little help? GEORGE Hey, frolf? GUY Yeah, you know we need a fourth for the back nine. You want in? "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?") GEORGE Yeah, sure. GUY Ok, come on. ------------------------------------------------------- (Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.) JERRY Ok, let's towel it up. LANETTE Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless. JERRY But we're in towels. LANETTE Jerry. JERRY all right. One second. (Picks up the phone.) (George runs up the stairs) GEORGE He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.) (George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.) GEORGE Hello. JERRY George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman! LANETTE COMES BY Did you shave your chest hair? JERRY No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up? GEORGE Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had. JERRY Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George. GEORGE All right, All right, keep your towel on. JERRY ...what? GEORGE It's a joke. JERRY All right, that's not bad. Now get over here! (George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs. He slips on an invitation and falls on his back.) ------------------------------------------------------------------- (Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.) ELAINE Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho! COP#1 'Reer.' ELAINE Look, just because I'm a woman... COP#2 'Mauau.' COP#1 'Meeow.' --- (Raquel Welch walks down the street.) RAQUEL I don't move my arms when I dance. That's my signature! --- ELAINE Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks. COP#1 What do you mean? ELAINE Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.) (Raquel Welch comes towards her.) RAQUEL What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing? ELAINE Aren't you Raquel Welch? RAQUEL You know who I am. Now, what are you doing? ELAINE Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms... RAQUEL That's it, you are going down. COP#1 Ooh, cat fight. ---------------------------------------------------- (The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.) KRAMER So how's George? JERRY I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony) KRAMER Tony. JERRY What happened to you? KRAMER Raquel Welch! JERRY Yikes. (Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.) JERRY What happened to you? ELAINE Raquel Welch! KRAMER The woman is a menace. ELAINE Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly. JERRY Cat fight with Raquel Welch. KRAMER Yey eye ca-catfight. (George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.) ELAINE My god, George! GEORGE I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels? JERRY Back on the rack. GEORGE With the two of us? JERRY I think we're still a man short. (Doctor comes.) DOCTOR Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again. (Doctor leaves.) KRAMER Well, that's good news. ELAINE Wow, invitations again... KRAMER Yeah, that's weird. ELAINE All right, well...you want to grab some coffee? JERRY Yeah... KRAMER I'd like to get some coffee. (Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.) GEORGE This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George. (George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk, leaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with swinging her arms.) THERAPIST Now, swing them...swing...swing them, just swing them. SAM I can't do it. It's hard! (George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get up.) GEORGE Still a little summer left. THE END

THE VOICE

THE VOICE Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel (In the Play Now office) THOMASSOULO George, you're not really handicapped, are you? GEORGE I've had my difficulties. THOMASSOULO I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand. GEORGE Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir? THOMASSOULO No GEORGE How about the old Spider Man live action show? THOMASSOULO George, I've realized we've signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it's best that we both go our separate ways. GEORGE I don't understand. THOMASSOULO We don't like you. We want you to leave. GEORGE Clearer (At Monks Caf�) JERRY So you're staying at Play Now? GEORGE Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city. JERRY But they not you aren't handicapped, aren't you ashamed? GEORGE They're the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me. (Elaine walks in) ELAINE Hey JERRY & GEORGE (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! GEORGE Hello-o-o-o Elaine! ELAINE What's that? JERRY Oh, it's just this stupid thing. ELAINE Well, I'm sure it's stupid. It's not about me, is it? JERRY (doing the voice) No-o-o-o. GEORGE (doing the voice) Not at all. ELAINE Tell me! JERRY All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me. ELAINE How is it talking? JERRY Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I'm bored. Talk to me. ELAINE Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously. (Puddy walks in) JERRY Hey, look whose here - Puddy. ELAINE My Puddy? But we broke up. JERRY And yet he continues to live. (Puddy walks over to the table) PUDDY Hey Benes, How are you? ELAINE I'm doing great. PUDDY Great. (pauses) See ya. JERRY Well, that's it. You two are back together. ELAINE What? JERRY The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide. ELAINE David and I will not be getting back together. JERRY Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. GEORGE That's beautiful. ELAINE What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that. JERRY That's different. I didn't have feelings for those people. But you, you'll backslide ELAINE You want to bet? JERRY Stakes? ELAINE 50 JERRY Dollars? ELAINE All right. Witness? (looks at George). GEORGE Witness. JERRY Done. GEORGE Percentage? JERRY & ELAINE No. (At Jerry's apartment) CLARE So I'll call you tonight? JERRY Yeah. CLARE What's wrong with the belt? JERRY I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So...(throws away belt) that's it! CLARE So, you're insane? JERRY Oh yes, quite. (Kramer walks in) KRAMER Hello! JERRY Of course it's a sliding scale. CLARE Catch you later. KRAMER & JERRY (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha) JERRY (doing the voice) La la la. KRAMER (doing the voice) La la la. (Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table) KRAMER Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club. JERRY Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea. KRAMER Of course it's a good idea, it's my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago. JERRY Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part or spending the two hundred million you don't have part? KRAMER You see I come up with these things, I know they're gold, but nothing happens. You know why? JERRY No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains. KRAMER (interrupts) No, no...time! It's all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? JERRY I can ball park it. (Elaine walks in ... how did she come up without the buzzer?) ELAINE (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! KRAMER Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot! JERRY Hey, I called you last night, where were you? ELAINE (looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend. JERRY George? ELAINE (looking guiltier) No, no...no. JERRY Well, I was here, that's everyone (laughing). ELAINE (laughing). JERRY Are those the same shoes as yesterday? ELAINE Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time. JERRY Your hair, it's somewhat de-poofed. ELAINE It's the new look. You know Heroin Cheek? JERRY Wait a second, what's going on here? ELAINE Nothing, nothing. JERRY (screams). ELAINE (screams). JERRY You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy! KRAMER Hoochie moochie. (haha) JERRY Hand it over. Pay up. ELAINE No! It's an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together! JERRY Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't cinemax. ELAINE It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner. JERRY Ah, dinner! That's it, you're all the way back! ELAINE Ugh! JERRY Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. KRAMER (still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too! (At Play Now) GEORGE Good Morning! CO-WORKER Go to hell! GEORGE Hi Allison, that's a nice dress. ALLISON Don't even look at me. GEORGE Hey Glenn! GLENN Hey, go tell hell! GEORGE Heard that one already. (At Jerry's apartment) (Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around) KRAMER ...So that's the bedroom. Here's the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers. JERRY And you are? DARREN Oh, hey, I'm Darren. I'm new here. KRAMER Yeah, that's Jerry, you don't have to worry about him. Why don't you go across the hall and get started on that mail. DARREN Right! KRAMER He's a go getter! JERRY Who's he? KRAMER My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience. JERRY But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience. KRAMER Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system. JERRY Alright, it's time to go. KRAMER Jerry, it's not for people, it's for oil tankers. JERRY (sarcastically) I know! (Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door) KRAMER You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won't spill out. JERRY Actually, that is not a bad idea. KRAMER (smiles) yeah. JERRY Now, it's time to go. (slams door) (phone rings) JERRY Hello GEORGE (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He's sitting on the floor in his Play Now office). JERRY (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what's going on? GEORGE Seize montality, (Sp?) Jerry. They really want me out of here. They've downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I'm like Hitler's last days here. JERRY So, are you going to leave? GEORGE Oh no! I'm vigilant. They'll never get me out. I'm like a weed, Jerry. JERRY I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker? GEORGE I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker. JERRY I'm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I'm getting another call, see ya...(answers call) Hello! DARREN Hi, this is Darren from Kramer's office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monk's coffee shop. JERRY (looking shocked) Really? When? DARREN In 10 minutes. Do you need directions? JERRY No, I don't. DARREN Well, I'll call back in 5 minutes to confirm. KRAMER Yeah, 5. (Elaine walks in ... again, how did she get up without the buzzer?) ELAINE Hey! JERRY Hey! So, where's my money? ELAINE No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what? JERRY Oh yeah, hold on. (Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers) JERRY Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry's office. (Elaine is looking confused). We're going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he's already left? (Kramer walks in) JERRY Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright? KRAMER What? When did this happen? JERRY Well, just... KRAMER (yelling) DARREN! (At Elaine's apartment) (Sitting on the couch thinking to herself) ELAINE I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy's. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I'll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That's funny. That's really funny. That's really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone). (At Monk's Cafe) GEORGE Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out. JERRY Do you have to write all this stuff down. DARREN Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn't want to miss anything. JERRY So, how hot did it get? GEORGE I don't know, 120, 130...Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos. JERRY I guess you can take anything, but actual work. GEORGE Bring it on! (Kramer walks in) GEORGE (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer! JERRY (doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e! GEORGE (doing the voice) La la la. KRAMER Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern") DARREN Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit... KRAMER Uh huh... GEORGE (Interrupts) And I still say he's naked under there! JERRY Oh that makes a lot of sense. GEORGE Oh, shut up! DARREN ...Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water). (George is looking pissed off) (At Jerry's apartment in his bed) JERRY (giggling) CLARE What's so funny? JERRY Oh, nothing. (still giggling) CLARE What are you laughing about? Tell me. JERRY Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We've been doing this silly, dumb voice. (Clare storms out of the room mad!) CLARE So is it fun humiliating me? JERRY No, it's not you. It's your stomach, he's taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. CLARE So you think I'm fat? JERRY No it's... (Darren walks in) DARREN Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!" JERRY Hey, we're kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later? DARREN Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now? JERRY (Screams) GET OUT! CLARE I'm leaving too. JERRY No body said you're fat. He's a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy. CLARE He is fat! JERRY No, he's just a little bloated. CLARE Good-bye! JERRY It's mostly water weight. (Kramer walks in) KRAMER Boysenberry, the kid is still learning. (Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone) DARREN Mr. Kramer...Dean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting. KRAMER Yeah, well nothing before noon. JERRY Line two? KRAMER Yeah, your phone is line one. JERRY Oh... (At Elaine's apartment) PUDDY So the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny. ELAINE See, this is what Jerry's doesn't understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn't mean we are back together. PUDDY I mean I love just seeing you and having sex. ELAINE Yeah. PUDDY Not having to do all that...you know...work. ELAINE Well, either way... PUDDY All that calling you, and buying you stuff... ELAINE David... PUDDY Caring about how everyone at work isn't as smart as you. It's brutal. ELAINE Alright that's it! We're back together! PUDDY Oh, no. ELAINE Oh, yeah. PUDDY Look Elaine, be reasonable. (Elaine kisses Puddy) ELAINE Get those clothes off. You're going to spend the night and we're going to cuddle. PUDDY What? ELAINE You heard me. Strip! (At Play Now) (George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded up) GEORGE (whistling)....(laughing)....Alright......OK.... (George goes through air vent ... in his office) GEORGE (on phone ... calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? ...Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I'M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks. (At NYU) KRAMER Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me? DEAN JONES I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry... KRAMER ...Yeah. DEAN JONES ...Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman. KRAMER I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica. DEAN JONES As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken. KRAMER And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken. DEAN JONES I'm sorry, but we can't allow Darren to continue working with you. KRAMER Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary. DEAN JONES You fly is open. (At Jerry's apartment) (Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway) JERRY So you're sure you're not still angry about last night? CLARE No, I'm fine. Just as long as you don't ever do that voice again. JERRY Never? CLARE Never. JERRY What about if you're not around? CLARE No! JERRY So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice? CLARE That's right. JERRY I can do that. CLARE So what's your decision? JERRY I don't know. (At the dock or beach) (Jerry is thinking to himself ... looking quite funny) (He's thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together. He's trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more) (Jerry knocks on Clare's door) CLARE Jerry...HI. JERRY (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha) (At Jerry's apartment) GEORGE You broke up with her? Why? JERRY So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What's the matter? GEORGE I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la? JERRY No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o. GEORGE I think I like the girl better than the voice. JERRY Really? (Elaine walks in ... how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!) JERRY (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. ELAINE Still? GEORGE I told you. ELAINE Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money). JERRY See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together. ELAINE Yeah, well not for long. I'm breaking up with him. JERRY No, I don't think so. I've seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It's kismet. ELAINE Double or nothing. JERRY Done. GEORGE (talking from bathroom) Witness? JERRY You're in there again. GEORGE I think Play Now is putting something in my food. (Kramer walks in) ELAINE Alright, I'm out of here. JERRY What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn't fit him). KRAMER I don't know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven't been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I'm clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right? JERRY Yeah. Nine o'clock. KRAMER I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago. JERRY (doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer. KRAMER Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played. JERRY Really? KRAMER So played. GEORGE I told you. (Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer's door) KRAMER Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship. DARREN I don't care about the internship. I care about Kramerica. KRAMER Kramerica is no more. DARREN What about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills. KRAMER Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica. (Kramer slams door) (Kramer opens door) KRAMER Well, you're still here? DARREN I haven't had time to leave. KRAMER Well, I haven't changed my mind. (Kramer slams door) (Kramer opens door) KRAMER Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I'll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let's get back to work! (Kramer slams door) (Kramer opens door) KRAMER Let's see what Jerry has to eat. (At Play Now ... in the bosses office) THOMASSOULO You win George. We've had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That's half of your entire contract. Please...just go. GEORGE You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all. THOMASSOULO Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza's handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families. GEORGE Well played. THOMASSOULO I'll see you in hell Costanza. (At Jerry's apartment) JERRY (on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in ... Jerry asks George) So we definitely don't want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we're back together again, great. Bye bye. (Hallway ... Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Trouble down at the plant? KRAMER It's a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system. GEORGE You have to drink that whole thing? KRAMER No. No. No. It's for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact. JERRY I understand (not really understanding, lol). GEORGE Would a giant rubber ball work? KRAMER Conceivably. GEORGE Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don't we test your bladder system at my office? JERRY You're not... GEORGE Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there's nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil. (At Monk's Cafe) PUDDY Hey, you want to split a root beer (I think that's what he says)? ELAINE I don't think so David, we're through. PUDDY Oh...That's a nice sweater (Elaine smiles). (At Elaine's house ... the two are in bed) ELAINE Whew that was a dozy. (At Jerry's apartment) (Elaine throws down money on the table). JERRY Go again? ELAINE Book it. GEORGE (again from bathroom) Witness. (At Elaine's apartment) ELAINE David I know this hurts, but it's the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he's going to still get some). (At Jerry's apartment) (Elaine is placing money on the table one by one) JERRY Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. (Jerry and Elaine at the movies) ELAINE I'm going to get some popcorn. (At Jerry's apartment) (Elaine hands Jerry money) ELAINE So, how did it end? JERRY They got away. ELAINE uh. (At Elaine's apartment) ELAINE Listen David, I've got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks? (At Play Now) (Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil ... Jerry walks in) JERRY Hey. KRAMER Did you bring the video camera? JERRY Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I'll see ya. GEORGE Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped. JERRY I can't. I got to meet Clare. KRAMER You gave up the voice? JERRY Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again. KRAMER & GEORGE No. No JERRY Darren? DARREN Sorry Mr. Seinfeld. JERRY Uh, bathroom. GEORGE Hey, use mine. I'll let you in. JERRY I thought it was open to the public. GEORGE I uh, took care of that. (Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice) JERRY Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I? GEORGE I insist. I'll fix us a drink. (phone rings ... who would that be?) I got it. (Back to Kramer & Darren in George's office) KRAMER Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window. (Back in the bathroom) GEORGE So, check out my view. JERRY Wow! Hey, there's Clare. I better go down. GEORGE Hey, there's Kramer & Darren. JERRY There's the giant ball of oil. Clare's right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! CLARE I don't believe this. I am not looking up if you're going to do that voice. KRAMER Bombs away (Uh oh). JERRY This is going to be a shame. (SPLAT!) GEORGE Hello. KRAMER Well, that didn't work. Hey, how about this...ketchup and mustard in the same bottle? DARREN Oh that sounds interesting sir. KRAMER Yeah. (Police sirens ... uh oh) (At Monk's Caf�) JERRY Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you're not going in anymore. GEORGE Yeah. JERRY So they're not paying you your... GEORGE No. JERRY So you're pretty much... GEORGE Yeah. JERRY What ever happened to Darren? KRAMER Darren is going away for a long long time. JERRY So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that... (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil... GEORGE (doing the voice) I'm slippery as an eel... KRAMER (doing the voice) La la la. JERRY I'm just so glad it's back. (At Elaine's apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN) ELAINE See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together. PUDDY Elaine: I want to break up. ELAINE Ah nuts! THE END

THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN

THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) Jerry's standup piece. JERRY You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.' (George's parents' house) Elaine and Jerry in the living room. JERRY How would you describe the smell in this house? ELAINE (sniffing) Dandruff? JERRY Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha? ELAINE There's some kasha. JERRY Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really. George enters from the kitchen (?). ELAINE Alright, let's go, come on. GEORGE Wha... you're going? ELAINE Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be late. Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured objects in his hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth. KRAMER Egh. These aren't candies. GEORGE Kramer. did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps and begins examining them for damage) KRAMER Well I'm a guest. GEORGE Now my parents are gonna know I had people over. JERRY You're not allowed to have people over? GEORGE I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return the soaps) KRAMER What, this is a party? ELAINE Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go. Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices Jerry's mug on the coffee table. GEORGE (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table! JERRY (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table. GEORGE But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen) KRAMER Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh? George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain. ELAINE (impatient) Come on! JERRY What's the big rush? ELAINE I'm having people over. JERRY Who? ELAINE The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona... JERRY Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there? ELAINE Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy. JERRY (interested) Really? ELAINE I'll put in a good word for you. JERRY Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table) GEORGE (screaming) Aaahh!! JERRY Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again) GEORGE But Jerry, this is not coming out! JERRY Just put a coffee table book over it. GEORGE My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table! KRAMER Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it? ELAINE Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George. GEORGE Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished. ELAINE Now?! GEORGE Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them! ELAINE Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven. KRAMER Alright, we'll take the subway. JERRY There you go. That'll get you home in time. ELAINE Oh! The subway? From Queens? GEORGE Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat. JERRY I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you. ELAINE I need something to read on the subway. JERRY (handing her a magazine) Here, read this. ELAINE (looks at it) TV Guide? (Subway train) Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer is expanding on his book concept. KRAMER I got history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told. ELAINE (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm. KRAMER So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh? ELAINE (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning. KRAMER (claps hands) Yes indeed. TANNOY Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. KRAMER Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one? ELAINE How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time? KRAMER Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one? ELAINE (laughing) No thanks. KRAMER Alright, but no bites. Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple of other guys waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. Elaine continues to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak inside and out) proffers a pen. RICKY Highlighter? ELAINE Excuse me? RICKY To highlight the programmes you plan to watch. ELAINE Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just trying to read. RICKY Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading 'the Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television. The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, Kramer tries to enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving him holding his gyro into the carriage. KRAMER (yells) Elaine! A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's hand and sits down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed. RICKY Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train. ELAINE He's not my boyfriend. RICKY He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting. (Furniture refinishers) Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table. JERRY Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something. GEORGE Why? JERRY Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me? GEORGE Can't hurt you. JERRY What about, what about this thing? GEORGE The Indian? JERRY Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute. GEPETTO Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday. GEORGE Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back. GEPETTO They left you home alone, huh? (Subway train) Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the TV Guide. Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. RICKY Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy. The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop. ELAINE Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye. RICKY (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this! Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees the address label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING NY 11353 (Furniture refinishers) Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting. GEPETTO They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late! SYLVIA Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there? GEORGE No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry) SYLVIA Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan. GEORGE Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner. SYLVIA Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighbourhood. GEORGE (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighbourhood's changing. JERRY Alright, I'll take it. GEPETTO Smart choice. SYLVIA Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste. GEORGE Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them. (Elaine's apartment) Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker. ELAINE Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces THE GIRLS Oh/Aah. (and similar comments) ELAINE (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha! There's a knock at the door. ELAINE Who is it? JERRY It's Jerry. Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside a large object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag. ELAINE Jerry! JERRY Surprise! (he carries in the object) ELAINE What is this? JERRY Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something. ELAINE Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry? THE GIRLS Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc) JERRY Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again. GIRL Elaine, is it your birthday? ELAINE No. JERRY I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy. THE GIRLS Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval) JERRY Are you ready? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da! There is a deathly hush. JERRY It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card. ELAINE (examines card) (embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much. JERRY Read it out loud. ELAINE I, I don't think so. JERRY (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe. WINONA (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go. ELAINE I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh... Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical movie Indian chant. JERRY Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah. Winona leaves, looking offended. ELAINE Are you out of your mind?! JERRY ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy. ELAINE Winona is a Native American. JERRY She is? (George's parents' house) Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony singing can be heard in the background. SYLVIA You got very unusual taste. GEORGE (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled. SYLVIA Fine. GEORGE I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta just flown outta my head. It's a mental block. SYLVIA (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath? GEORGE (bashful) No, that's me. SYLVIA Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house. GEORGE Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house. SYLVIA What is this we're listening to? GEORGE The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle) SYLVIA Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha? GEORGE It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they leave together) Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer. WINONA Who is it? JERRY Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld. WINONA (unimpressed) Yeah? JERRY Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up? WINONA I'll come down. (Elaine's apartment) KRAMER I came by to get my ball. ELAINE It's right over there. KRAMER Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come from? ELAINE You want it? KRAMER (unbelieving) I can have this?! ELAINE Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours. KRAMER Oh. I'll lug. (Street outside Winona's) WINONA It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me. JERRY And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya? WINONA (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite. JERRY You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here. The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence. MAILMAN Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honolable Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant. JERRY I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood. MAILMAN Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away) JERRY I didn't know that... WINONA You know, it's late. I should probably just go home. JERRY I, I had no idea. A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top of the Indian. KRAMER (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! (begins doing war-whoops) Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing to say. Winona storms back into her building. (George's parent's house) George and Jerry are returning the table. GEORGE Looks pretty good. JERRY Yeah, did a good job. They put the various ornaments back on the table. GEORGE Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell. JERRY You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle. GEORGE So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh... JERRY Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight. GEORGE Oh, great. JERRY Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake. GEORGE Aw c'mon. The front door opens and George's parents enter. ESTELLE Hello, hello! GEORGE (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi. ESTELLE Oh, the house looks very nice. GEORGE Yeah, huh. FRANK Where's the mail? ESTELLE Hello Jerry. JERRY Hello. GEORGE So, how was the trip? ESTELLE Ah, your father... FRANK Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth? ESTELLE I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom) FRANK (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide? GEORGE What TV Guide? FRANK I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one. JERRY Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway. FRANK Elaine took it? GEORGE I didn't know she took it! JERRY Wa, it's two weeks old. FRANK (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?! GEORGE (to Jerry) He collects them. JERRY You collect TV Guide? FRANK The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible! ESTELLE (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in our bed. FRANK (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic wrapper?! ESTELLE What is this doing on my bed?! GEORGE I don't know, uh... JERRY I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste) FRANK You were having sex on our bed?! GEORGE Yes! ESTELLE Who told you you could have sex in our bed? GEORGE (pleading) Well, my bed is too small. FRANK Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street! ESTELLE Where am I going to sleep? GEORGE What're you talking about? ESTELLE I can't sleep in there! GEORGE Of course you can. ESTELLE I can't! (screams) I can't! FRANK That's it! You're grounded! GEORGE (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man. FRANK You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're grounded! (Winona's apartment) Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets. WINONA So, where are we gonna go eat? JERRY I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest. WINONA Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table? JERRY Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself) WINONA You made what? JERRY I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats. WINONA How did you get these? JERRY Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again) A uh, one of those guys. WINONA What guys? JERRY You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events. WINONA Oh. JERRY Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide. WINONA That's Al Roker. JERRY Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this? WINONA Sure, take it. JERRY Thanks. (Jerry's apartment) Jerry enters with the TV Guide. JERRY So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you. ELAINE Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh? JERRY Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work. ELAINE He collects (holds up magazine) these? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him. JERRY What'ya do with the one you took? ELAINE I dunno. (Ricky's apartment (?)) Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy teenager. He's cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming the theme to I Love Lucy to himself as he does so. (Jerry's apartment) Kramer enters. ELAINE Hi. KRAMER Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say? ELAINE What did who say? KRAMER Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book? ELAINE Uhmm... KRAMER Yeah, you didn't tell him didya? ELAINE Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it... KRAMER (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm... ELAINE I would be embarrassed to bring it up. JERRY I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table. KRAMER Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go. JERRY Where you going? KRAMER Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian. JERRY My Indian? KRAMER You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click) He leaves. (George's parents' house) George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by the TV Guide incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering. FRANK How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial? Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding what looks like a bouquet of flowers. RICKY Hello. Is Elaine home? ESTELLE Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend. FRANK (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house! RICKY (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, it's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide. FRANK (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave that to you?! RICKY (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching? GEORGE Yeah. RICKY Oh, this is a good one. (Subway train) Elaine riding the subway to Queens. TANNOY Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. A thought occurs to Elaine. ELAINE Mmm, gyro. She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to her at the exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes out first. (Jerry's apartment) Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona looks around. WINONA I like your place. It's very unassuming. JERRY Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions. WINONA (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back. JERRY Why? WINONA Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker. JERRY Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father. WINONA Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine. JERRY You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself) WINONA What? JERRY A uh, a person that uh... WINONA A person that what? JERRY Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh... WINONA And? JERRY ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to. WINONA You mean like, an Indian giver?! JERRY I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term. (Subway train) Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from her sandwich are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag. (George's parents' house) Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The coffee table is covered in boxes of the magazine. RICKY I like the special fall preview issues the best. FRANK Those. I've been saving those from the beginning. The doorbell rings. RICKY These are worth like, a lot of money. Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine. ESTELLE Oh, hello Elaine! ELAINE Hello. (she enters) RICKY (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious. Elaine looks nervous and surprised. FRANK Why'd you take my TV Guide? ELAINE (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one. (hands it over) RICKY I made this for you. ELAINE (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you. FRANK (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over it! What the hell'd you do? RICKY Hey, you can't talk to her like that. FRANK (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want! RICKY Come on Elaine, let's go. As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with his leg. It tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over with a crash. ESTELLE My coffee table! (Gus' Smoke Shop) Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to do a job of salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. In the background, Mr Lippman is browsing. KRAMER I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly. SPIKE I'll give you a box of Coronas for it. KRAMER Forget it. LIPPMAN Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian? KRAMER Oh yeah, yeah. LIPPMAN Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it? KRAMER Giddyup. LIPPMAN Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing. KRAMER Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again. (Lippman's office) Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine enters. ELAINE Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer! KRAMER Yeah, hi Elaine. ELAINE What are you doing in here with that? KRAMER Ah, well, it's a business transaction. LIPPMAN (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, count it. KRAMER Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall. LIPPMAN You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe. KRAMER You mind if I use it in my book? LIPPMAN What book? KRAMER Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables. LIPPMAN About coffee tables? Elaine is pulling skeptical faces. KRAMER Uh huh. LIPPMAN That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your publisher? KRAMER Well, I'm still shopping it around. LIPPMAN Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you should be coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway? ELAINE Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I... LIPPMAN (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the room. Don't you think? Elaine looks sick. (Furniture refinishers) Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia. SYLVIA I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's. ESTELLE It's mine. I'm his mother. SYLVIA Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard. ESTELLE George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us. SYLVIA He does? (Subway train) Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy. Jerry has a copy of the TV Guide. JERRY I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide. ELAINE I dunno. JERRY Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine) ELAINE I guess. JERRY What's the matter? ELAINE What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book. JERRY It is a good idea, Elaine. TANNOY Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. JERRY You want a gyro? ELAINE I don't think so. Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past other commuters. moments later) Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage just as the doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it. JERRY Elaine! A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's hand, just as Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing to eat. AL ROKER Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. ELAINE He's not my boyfriend. AL ROKER He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin) Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide and finds the guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. She looks up at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture on the cover. (Nightclub) More Jerry standup. JERRY I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents? THE END

THE FROGGER

THE FROGGER Written by Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe INT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has a cake sitting on it. ALL Happy birthday to you. WALTER Thanks. Everyone claps. FEMALE WORKER Elaine, cake? ELAINE Uh, no, thanks. FEMALE WORKER It's Walter's special day. ELAINE You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day. Elaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but is stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters. MALE WORKER Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate. ELAINE It's his birthday and it's his last day? MALE WORKER This is other-Walter, from returns. Other-Walter enters followed by more co-workers. OTHER-WALTER Hey, what's going on here? ALL Surprise! OTHER-WALTER Oh guys. Elaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her. OTHER-WALTER Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece. ELAINE All right, pile it on. ALL For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny... Elaine looks on frustrated. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo. JERRY What is so bad about having a little piece of cake? ELAINE It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends? JERRY Why aren't you there now? ELAINE I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her. They sit on the sofa. JERRY You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness. ELAINE Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning.. JERRY Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza? ELAINE Your old high school hangout? Why? JERRY They're closing. We're going for one last slice. Kramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police tape. KRAMER Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that. Jerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some of the tape. KRAMER Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here. JERRY Where did you get this? KRAMER Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug. JERRY You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people? KRAMER They want to know why they never see you. Kramer ties a piece of tape around a banana. KRAMER I'm gonna eat that later. JERRY So they just gave you this? KRAMER Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya. ELAINE Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper? KRAMER Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off. JERRY How come I haven't read about this? KRAMER Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name. ELAINE Really? What're the other titles? KRAMER Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad. JERRY Son of dad? KRAMER Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall. EXT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY - ESTABLISHING GEORGE Mario's Pizza. INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY George and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder man, stands behind the counter. GEORGE Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us? MARIO No. JERRY We used to come in every day. MARIO So where ya been? We're tanking here. GEORGE We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas. MARIO Oh, thanks. That'll save us. JERRY All right, make it the large sodas. George and Jerry walk across the room. GEORGE Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life. They walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger. JERRY Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game. GEORGE Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it! The boy loses. BOY Thanks a lot. GEORGE Ah, beat it, punk. The boy exits. JERRY Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it? GEORGE Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years. JERRY I remember that night. GEORGE The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick... MARIO Here's your pizza pea brains. JERRY I think I remember why we stopped coming here. GEORGE Yeah. EXT. J PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY Elaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen. ELAINE This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school? There's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with a cake. ELAINE What is this? MALE WORKER You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake. FEMALE WORKER It's carrot. It's good for you. WORKERS Get well get well soon, we wish you to get-- ELAINE Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day? MALE WORKER I think it's nice. ELAINE What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office! Another worker enters late. WORKER Get well, get well soon-- MALE WORKER It's not happening. They all start to leave disappointed. BECKY Can we still it eat? EXT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING INT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT Jerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth. JERRY I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to-- LISI End under water? JERRY Be that long. I mean, most action movies are-- LISI So much more violent. JERRY Not as long. LISI Well, I should probably-- JERRY Get going. LISI Yeah. They both stand. JERRY Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you-- LISI Eight tomorrow? JERRY Actually, that's-- LISI What you were thinking. JERRY Right. Lisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters. GEORGE Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to-- JERRY Sure. (points at booth) How about this one? They both sit down at their booth. GEORGE Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever. JERRY Fabulous. See, now you're really do something. GEORGE So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger? JERRY Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it? GEORGE What? JERRY Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased. GEORGE You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score! George gets up and leaves in a huff. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY- ESTABLISHING KRAMER Well, more bad news Jerry. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Kramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George is sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone book is in front of him. KRAMER You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you. JERRYL Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me. KRAMER Not as many as there used to be. GEORGE No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello? Kramer peels and eats an orange. KRAMER You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this. JERRY Another friend? KRAMER Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along. GEORGE Well, is he good, Kramer? George gets up and walks towards Kramer. KRAMER Oh, he's the best...and the worst. GEORGE Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me. KRAMER Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete. GEORGE Slippery Pete? KRAMER Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about. GEORGE All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on! George grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings. Jerry tries to get by Kramer. JERRY Come on. KRAMER Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt. Jerry picks up the phone. JERRY Hello? INTERCUT INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S APARTMENT Elaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser. ELAINE So how's it going with my friend? JERRY She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs. People can be heard singing "Happy Birthday" in the background of Elaine's office. JERRY What is that? ELAINE Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush. JERRY So join in. ELAINE I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there. JERRY All right. Jerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around a broken egg on the floor. JERRY Hey, wh-what-- KRAMER Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful. Kramer leaves. EXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Elaine knocks on the open door. ELAINE Anybody here? Peterboy? No one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it, and takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake. ELAINE Ooh, it's a cake walk. She takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman can be heard singing. PETERMAN Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well. Elaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman enters his office. PETERMAN Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, um-- PETERMAN We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret? ELAINE No, sir, I can't. PETERMAN Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT Jerry and Lisi walk along. JERRY Well Lisi, that was another- LISI Lovely evening. JERRY Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should-- LISI Go for a hansom cab ride? JERRY Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live? LISI 84th street, right off Riverside Park. JERRY Riverside Park. Jerry grabs Lisi and turns around. LISI I thought we were going-- JERRY Back to my place. That's right. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING George and Jerry are sitting on the sofa. GEORGE So you slept with her? JERRY She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over. GEORGE And you automatically sleep with her? JERRY Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of-- GEORGE Finished your thought. George gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters. ELAINE Guess what I ate. GEORGE An ostrich burger. ELAINE No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten. JERRY How'd it taste? ELAINE A little stale. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman? ELAINE No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out. GEORGE You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it. Jerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table. ELAINE Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country. JERRY Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place. EALINE What is going on with you two? JERRY Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message. GEORGE What's that? Elaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie. ELAINE 4:00 sugar fix. JERRY Well, I'm calling this off right now. ELAINE No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage. JERRY Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is. ELAINE Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break. Elaine bites the head of her gingerbread man. EXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING ELAINE Just a little off the side... INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Elaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box. ELAINE Well, no point in wasting $1,200. She eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to play. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures in the room. ELAINE Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell? She gets more cake. EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING GEORGE Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do. INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY George, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth. GEORGE Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver. SHLOMO I don't know If I'm the best. GEORGE Oh...you're very good. SHLOMO Let's say "good." GEORGE Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone. KRAMER Lock and load. SLIPPERY PETE You think you can handle that, numb nuts? KRAMER All right, all right, come on, now. SLIPPERY PETE That was my mail-order bride. KRAMER Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her. SLIPPERY PETE It doesn't give you the right to make out with her. KRAMER You weren't even married yet. GEORGE All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past. George gets a napkin and starts to draw on it. GEORGE Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza. SHLOMO So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught? GEORGE What do you mean? SLIPPERY PETE We're stealing this thing, right? GEORGE No. I--I paid for it. SLIPPERY PETE I thought we were stealing it. KRAMER Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it. GEORGE We're not stealing it. SHLOMO I definitely thought we're stealing it. GEORGE All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan? SLIPPERY PETE Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery? GEORGE Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet. SLIPPERY PETE What's that? GEORGE The outlet? SLIPPERY PETE Mm-hmm. GEORGE That's where the electricity comes out. SLIPPERT PETE Oh, you mean the holes. SHLOMO Which one's the bathroom? GEORGE Uh, here. SHLOMO They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh. GEORGE The Frogger is here. KRAMER George, I thought that was the door. SLIPPERY PETE Where are all the pizza ovens? SHLOMO I thought the bathroom was here. INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY George, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the same places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time they are around a table at Mario's. GEORGE All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated. EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING ELAINE I need to replace an antique piece of cake. INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY Elaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book open in front of her. ELAINE Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great. The waitress leaves and Kramer enters. KRAMER Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies? ELAINE Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this. KRAMER Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake. ELAINE Do any of these look close? KRAMER No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah. ELAINE Entenmann's? From the supermarket? KRAMER Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle. INT. LISI'S APARTMENT - DAY There's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding a baseball bat. JERRY Hi, Lisi. LISI Hi, honey. Is that a bat? JERRY Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something. LISI So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart? JERRY Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk. MONTAGE Lisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her. JERRY Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that? Both Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his hands. LISI Then may I say something... without being interrupted? Lisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in the hallway and is talking to her through the door. JERRY Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do. They are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything Lisi mumbles. LISI Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh... Now Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him. LISI Are you afraid to kiss me in public? JERRY Have we even been in public? Jerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him. LISI So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know. Lisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder. JERRY You are not dumb. Don't say that.. They both sit around the coffee table eating beans. JERRY These beans are pretty good. LISI 20 minutes. Now Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in the hallway. JERRY Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me! Jerry opens the door. JERRY Nice to meet ya! Jerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind. LISI Boy, did your mother do a number on you. Lisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other side of the couch. LISI Fine. So it's over. JERRY Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it? LISI 9:30. JERRY We've been breaking up for 10 hours? LISI Good-bye, Jerry. JERRY Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day. LISI Out! EXT. LISI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously before walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure walking towards him holding something resembling a head in one hand and a knife in the other. JERRY Lopper. He quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her intercom system. JERRY Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything! She buzzes him up. Just as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually Slippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY Jerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying rope. GEORGE Jerry, you came for the big moment. JERRY No. I'm waiting for... GEORGE Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone. JERRY Oh. Sounds great. GEORGE Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play. JERRY Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend. GEORGE Where? Lisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet. LISI Look what I found. I got one for you, too. She puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head. JERRY Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster? LISI Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes. Lisi leaves. JERRY A long, long weekend. GEORGE I hear thee. INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Elaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty Entenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman enters with another man. PETERMAN Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck. ELAINE Oh, hello. LUBECK Charmed. Mr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge. PETERMAN All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family. ELAINE I guess I'll just-- PETERMAN Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry. Lubeck inspects the cake. PETERMAN All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth? LUBECK I'd say about 219. PETERMAN Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000. LUBECK No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's. PETERMAN Do they have a castle at Windsor? LUBECK No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle. PETERMAN Oh, good lord. LUBECK You all right, Peterman? You look ill. ELAINE Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY George and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing outside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger. GEORGE What are you guys doing? SHLOMO Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him! GEORGE You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery. SLIPPERY PETE The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left. GEORGE Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria KRAMER George, they closed up. GEORGE I need an outlet! SLIPPERY PETE A what? GEORGE Holes! I need holes! KRAMER The pharmacy's still open. GEORGE All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist. Shlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy. SLIPPERY PETE You owe me a quarter. GEORGE Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up! Kramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic. He runs out of tape before he can get halfway. KRAMER Ahh! I'm out! No tape left! JERRY Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across. GEORGE Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this. JERRY By yourself? GEORGE Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life. George pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the sky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes of traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play. SHLOMO He looks like a Frog. SLIPPERY PETE So do you. George makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down the street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk, but can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the truck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto the sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed. JERRY Game over. INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Mr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks and enters. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir? PETERMAN Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham. EALINE Ohh... PETERMAN Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this. Mr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the room eating the cake. EALINE Mr. Peterman, I, uh... PETERMAN Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you? ELAINE Um...as far as I know. PETERMAN Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement? ELAINE Uh, I guess I hadn't-- PETERMAN Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed. THE END

THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE

THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE Written by Spike Feresten (Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.) WAITRESS Careful, this plate is extremely hot. Elaine touching the plate. ELAINE Thank you. Ow! WAITRESS I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it? ELAINE I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is. Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat PUDDY Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice? Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat. ELAINE I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing that? PUDDY It's my winter coat. ELAINE A fur? Puddy sits down in the booth. PUDDY Is there a problem? ELAINE A seemingly infinite supply. Elaine touching the plate again. ELAINE Ow! Careful, it's hot. Puddy touching the plate. PUDDY Ow! Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George. JERRY So, Puddy wear's a man fur? ELAINE He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson. JERRY And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible. ELAINE Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot. GEORGE And this is the first you're seeing of the coat? ELAINE We never dated in winter. JERRY You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer. ELAINE Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift. GEORGE An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off. JERRY Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him. GEORGE All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense. JERRY Cheapness is not a sense. ELAINE I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh... JERRY I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out. Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman. KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER You got any pliers? JERRY What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear? NEWMAN Hilarious. KRAMER Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in. ELAINE Why? NEWMAN To prevent an ambush. KRAMER Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies. JERRY But then anyone can just look in and see you. KRAMER Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say, 'Enjoy the show.' ELAINE I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act. Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet. JERRY Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way. KRAMERT Mmm... Nice wallet. NEWMAN Wallet. JERRY What? Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket KRAMER Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside. JERRY That's a five. KRAMER I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio... Silvio coming up behind Kramer SILVIO Eh, what are you doing? KRAMER Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole. SILVIO Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the super. Who said you could do that? KRAMER Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place? SILVIO Like what? KRAMER Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back. SILVIO No, no, no, no. No, that's all right. KRAMER Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I-- SILVIO Newman? He did this, too? KRAMER Well, yeah. SILVIO I deal with him. George showing Jerry a newspaper ad. GEORGE Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper. JERRY Except the store's in Delaware. GEORGE I'll have 'em overnight it. JERRY Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable. GEORGE It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong. JERRY Why? George pulling out his wallet. GEORGE Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money. Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet. JERRY But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here. GEORGE I need everything in there. Jerry looking through George's wallet JERRY Irish money? GEORGE I might go there. JERRY Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster. George grabbing back his wallet. GEORGE All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet & Lows. (Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole, and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach with a backscratcher, with opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door, and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole) KRAMER Who is it? NEWMAN It's Newman. KRAMER What do you want? I'm in the middle of something. NEWMAN I can't believe I'm being evicted. KRAMER What? What are you talking about? NEWMAN The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building. KRAMER No. No, he can't do that. NEWMAN I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out of a bucket. KRAMER Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten this thing out. (Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman sees that he's still wearing his open shirt) NEWMAN Uh, you, uh, you better put something on. Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George. JERRY George, I am loving this no wallet thing. GEORGE A man carries a wallet. JERRY You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something. Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry. JOE MAYO Hey, Jerry. JERRY Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place. JOE MAYO Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone in case anybody calls and needs directions? George tossing his coat on a chair. GEORGE Love to. JOE MAYO Thanks. Jerry... JERRY Music? JOE MAYO Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass? JERRY But I could do that and the music. JOE MAYO Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun! JERRY I was ready to get jiggy with it. Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat. PUDDY Hey. JERRY Hey, Elaine. ELAINE Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius. Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look. JERRY So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants? Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George. ELAINE So, George... did you get the chair? GEORGE No, I don't have it yet. JERRY So, we're givin' him nothing? George pulling out a picture of the chair. GEORGE No, I brought a picture of the chair. JERRY Did you at least get him a card? GEORGE I thought we'd all sign the picture. Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats. JOE MAYO Elaine... ELAINE Hey, Joe Mayo. JOE MAYO I need you to be in charge of coats. Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown on top. ELAINE Oh, fantastic. JOE MAYO And Puddy, can you make sure no one puts a drink on my...sound system? PUDDY Sure thing, Joe Mayo. Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl. JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants? KERI Nice. JERRY (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass. GEORGE (answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment? PUDDY (standing guard by the stereo as George walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the speaker. (Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it, and throws Puddy's coat out) ELAINE Goodbye, Dr. Zaius. Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment. SILVIO Why are we in Jerry's apartment? KRAMER Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture. SILVIO Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I are about to go bowling. KRAMER Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him? SILVIO I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is an agitator. KRAMER Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building, and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes, but smart as a whip. SILVIO OK, on your word he can stay. KRAMER All right. SILVIO But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him. KRAMER Well, you won't regret it. (Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth. SILVIO What's wrong? (Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end in his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the right way in his mouth) JOE MAYO Elaine, thanks for coming. ELAINE Good working with you. Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go. PUDDY All right, let's hit the bricks. Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat. ELAINE What? JOE MAYO Hey, I got a coat just like this! ELAINE Oh. Uhhh... Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry. ELAINE So Joe Mayo had the same coat. GEORGE And you threw it out the window? ELAINE Mm-hmm. GEORGE God, you're like a rock star. ELAINE So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat. JERRY Because you threw it out. ELAINE No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane. JERRY But you did actually throw his coat out the window. ELAINE But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible. JERRY But that's you. ELAINE So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway. George, taking out his wallet to pay the check. GEORGE Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me. JERRY Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass. George replacing his wallet in his pocket. GEORGE This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend. ELAINE Look at you. You're on a slant. GEORGE Here, just give me a couple of napkins. (He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his other back pocket, and becomes un-slanted) GEORGE There, there I'm fine. (Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as he becomes slanty the other way now) JERRY What was that? GEORGE I think I had some hard candy in there. George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into his apartment. GEORGE No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment. George sits down in the chair. GEORGE Ahhh. How does this thing work? George turns the chair on. GEORGE Ahhhhh... DELIVERY MAN Sir, do you want me to deliver this to your friend's place or not? GEORGE Ahhhhh... Keri meeting Jerry on the street. KERI Ready to go? JERRY All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing. KERI You don't go that often? JERRY No, because it's so stupid. Shall we? Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem to normally go in her purse. KERI Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me? JERRY Compact, lipstick, all this? Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys. KERI And can you help to carry my keys? Jerry looks at the keys. JERRY What are you, a medieval dungeon master? Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the street. KERI And a tin of altoids. Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to her JERRY Ow! Sharp key. Kramer walks on the street with Newman KRAMER So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife? NEWMAN Well, there's very little sleeping going on. KRAMER Well, why didn't you tell me about this? NEWMAN Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business. KRAMER Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out. Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it. NEWMAN Hey, what is that up that tree? KRAMER Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear. NEWMAN No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost. Kramer boosting Newman into the tree. KRAMER Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that? NEWMAN The Pacific Northwest. Elaine with Jerry at his apartment. ELAINE So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal. JERRY You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off. Elaine making a bowl of cereal. ELAINE You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you. JERRY Not more of that crap from the Titanic? ELAINE No. No. It's a small men's carryall. JERRY I'm not carrying a purse. Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal. ELAINE It's not a purse. It's European. Jerry sits down with Elaine. JERRY Oh. ELAINE Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet? Jerry dialing his phone. JERRY I don't know. ELAINE If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a gift, too. George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair. GEORGE Yeah? JERRY Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet? GEORGE Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God... JERRY What? GEORGE It's in... transit. ELAINE Did he get it? JERRY No. ELAINE Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out. George (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out? JERRY Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways. GEORGE Allllll right! JERRY What is that noise? JERRY You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me. Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers. KRAMER Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back....Weak hinge. ELAINE Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats. KRAMER Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free. ELAINE What are you talking about? KRAMER Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur! Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style. ELAINE 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat! JERRY What was that pop sound? KRAMER Well, I had some hard candy in there. Newman enters Elaine's apartment. NEWMAN So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation? Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor. ELAINE Come in, come in. NEWMAN Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place. ELAINE Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something. NEWMAN This isn't about my opening your mail? ELAINE What? NEWMAN Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already open. ELAINE Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him. NEWMAN Sorry. Climbers, keepers. ELAINE You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered. NEWMAN You are? ELAINE Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years. NEWMAN Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it. ELAINE Ha ha ha ha. NEWMAN Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type? ELAINE Uh, don't worry, he's cool. NEWMAN Cool? ELAINE Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie? NEWMAN Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her. ELAINE All right, we're done here. NEWMAN For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk-- ELAINE Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal. KERIL Nice carryall. JERRY It's European. KERI Do you still have my lipstick? JERRY Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job? KERI My job was to keep you away from the music. JERRY What, he doesn't like my taste in music? KERI Guess not. JERRY You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it! Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door. SILVIO Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need to talk to you! I can see you through the reverse peephole. KRAMER Hey, Silvio! Silvio holding up a fur coat. SILVIO Look at this. KRAMER Huh? SILVIO Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he? KRAMER Relax, Silvio. SILVIO No, that's it. You're both out of the building! KRAMER Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's! SILVIO A man's? KRAMER Yeah. SILVIO What kind of a man would wear fur? KRAMER Oh, lots of 'em. SILVIO Would you? KRAMER No. SILVIO Then who? KRAMER What about Jerry? SILVIO Jerry? KRAMER Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people. SILVIO Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me! KRAMER Yeah, something like that. Jerry in his apartment with Kramer. JERRY I have to do what? KRAMER All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours. JERRY I'm not wearing the fur. KRAMER Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building. JERRY Is that right? KRAMER All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around? JERRY Newman, too? KRAMER Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about. JERRY That's my walkman! KRAMER And you'll get it back. JERRY All right. KRAMER All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one. GEORGE Hey. KRAMER Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me. JERRY George, did you get that chair yet? GEORGE It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me? JERRY You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out. GEORGE Excuse me? JERRY Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me. GEORGE Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift? KRAMER Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about? GEORGE He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember? It was your suggestion. KRAMER I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up. GEORGE Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself? JERRY No, you don't have to buy anything. GEORGE I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me! JERRY I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it? GEORGE I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked. JERRY Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it! GEORGE Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend. JERRY Your good friend is morbidly obese. GEORGE Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse. JERRY It's not a purse. It's European! KRAMER All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back. JERRY All right. Kramer puts the coat on Jerry. KRAMER There you go. JERRY How do I look? KRAMER Ahh.... George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street. GEORGE Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh. (George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes) GEORGE My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster! JERRY Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat. SILVIO That is your coat? JERRY It sure is. SILVIO Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention. JERRY That's true. Kramer giving Jerry his carryal. KRAMER Jerry, you forgot your purse. JERRY Oh, thanks. KRAMER Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy. JERRY Maybe this isn't my coat. KRAMER All right, you're not fancy! SILVIO No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses! Elaine, coming up to them on the street. ELAINE Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat. JERRY No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy. ELAINE No, that's not your coat. SILVIO If that is not his coat, whose coat is it? ELAINE It's Joe Mayo's coat. SILVIO Who's Joe Mayo? KRAMER That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife. (A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone yells in surprise) JERRY Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall! COP Your what? JERRY The...black, leather...thing with a strap. COP You mean a purse? JERRY Yes, a purse. I carry a purse! Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into his wallet JERRY So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo? ELAINE Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies. JERRY He should have had a reverse peephole. Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored leather coat. PUDDY Hey, Babe. Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy. JERRY Hello? Hello? ELAINE What is that? PUDDY It's my new coat. ELAINE You ditched the fur? PUDDY Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball. ELAINE You're gonna wear this all the time? PUDDY All signs point to 'Yes!' THE END

THE BIG SALAD

THE BIG SALAD Written by Larry David (Comedy club) It's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them. I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens? That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating. I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know; where are they? (Stationery store) STATIONER May I help you? ELAINE Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil. STATIONER Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000. ELAINE No, I'm sure you do. STATIONER They're pretty expensive. ELAINE Well, it's for my boss. STATIONER What do you do? STATIONER Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is? ELAINE Elaine. STATIONER Elaine, . . . and your last name? ELAINE It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha STATIONER And your number? ELAINE Uh, aw, KL5-239O. STATIONER Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me. ELAINE Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . . JERRY Why did you give him MY number? (On the street) ELAINE I think he's got ideas. JERRY I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein? JERRY Call me when the pencil comes in Okay? (On the street) ELAINE Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay? JERRY Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here. GEORGE Hey, hey. ELAINE Hey hey JULIE Hi Jerry. JERRY Hi Julie. GEORGE Elaine, Julie. ELAINE Hi. JULIE Hi. JULIE Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name. ELAINE Oh, mine's "Ike". GEORGE Hey, wanna get some lunch? JERRY Just had a big bowl of Kix. GEORGE Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you? ELAINE Ah, no. JULIE Please come, Elaine. ELAINE No, no. How about if you bring me back something? GEORGE Sure, all right, what do you want? ELAINE Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad? GEORGE What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop. ELAINE They have big salads. GEORGE I've never seen a big salad. ELAINE They have a big salad. GEORGE Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad? ELAINE It's okay, you don't... GEORGE No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad? JERRY Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs. GEORGE (???), we'll see you in a little while. (Jerry's) ELAINE Maybe I should just get married. JERRY Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it? ELAINE I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell. JERRY People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. ELAINE You can say that again. JERRY It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house. ELAINE Good for you. JERRY I don't need a bunch of people staring at us. ELAINE Right on baby. (???) (noise from hall) JERRY What was that? (Kramer enters with his golf clubs) KRAMER That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again. ELAINE Who Gendason? KRAMER Steve Gendason. .ELAINE Why is that name familiar? HX He used to be a baseball player. ELAINE Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him? KRAMER Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it. ELAINE So what? KRAMER Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that. JERRY Certainly are. KRAMER Ya, so I penalized him a stroke. Jx; Ah, so what happened? KRAMER He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . . JERRY All right. You're in MY face. ELAINE I still don't see what the big deal is. KRAMER A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos. (Monks) JULIE I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire. Don't you like Sapphire? GEORGE Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha JULIE Although at times can be rather pedantic. GEORGE He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic. JULIE And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News. GEORGE Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I got it. JULIE No, no. I'd like to take you out. GEORGE No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless. JULIE Okay, thanks, George. WX Here's your big salad to go. JULIE Oh, thank you. (Jerry's) JERRY (on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil. ELAINE I told ya'. He has ideas. JERRY He doesn't even care if a man answers. ELAINE Or you. (George and Julie enter) GEORGE Hey, hey. ELAINE Hey. JULIE Sorry e're late. ELAINE No problem. JULIE Here's your big salad. ELAINE Thank you, Julie. JULIE Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go? GEORGE No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim. JULIE Sure, George. GEORGE Ya, you go. JULIE Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye. JERRY Bye bye (Julie exits) GEORGE Did you see what just happened? JERRY Well, that all depends. . . GEORGE Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine? JERRY Yeah, so? GEORGE Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad. JERRY Is that a fact? GEORGE Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right. JERRY No it isn't. GEORGE I mean I'm the one who bought it. JERRY Yes you did. GEORGE You think she should have said something? JERRY She could have. GEORGE Oh, I know. JERRY Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad. GEORGE You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it. JERRY Obviously. (Kramer rushes in) KRAMER Turn on the TV. JERRY What? KRAMER I'm puttin it on... TV . . . the district attorney's office and the police department have not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something we'll just have to wait. KRAMER Jerry . . . JERRY Well, it has nothing to do with you. KRAMER Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner. JERRY Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that. (In a cab) ELAINE I like Julie. She's very personable. GEORGE Yeah, she's very lovely. ELAINE That's great George. GEORGE So did you enjoy your lunch? ELAINE Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht? GEORGE oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . . ELAINE Even though what? GEORGE . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference? ELAINE What? What are you trying to say, George? GEORGE It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal. ELAINE You want the money for the big salad, George? GEORGE No, no, ELAINE What is the problem? GEORGE There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad. (Jerry's) JERRY And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it. MARGARET Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out. JERRY Ah, no , I don't think so. MARGARET Why not? JERRY We don't need a bunch of people staring at us. MARGARET Who is staring? JERRY Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing. (Phone rings) JERRY Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story. (Newman enters) JERRY Hello Newman. MARGARET Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was. JERRY No, no I don't. Why? MARGARET You know, Genderson. This is something big. JERRY I suppose. MARGARET What did Kramer say? JERRY I don't know. Nothing.? MARGARET Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret? MARGARET Hello. JERRY You two know each other? NEWMAN You might say that. MARGARET We used to go out. NEWMAN Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe JERRY . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman? MARGARET Just a few times. JERRY Why? MARGARET I liked him. JERRY You liked, Newman? MARGARET Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay? JERRY No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him. MARGARET He ended it. JERRY . . . HE ended it? MARGARET YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter? JERRY No, no of course not. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Jerry, Jerry they found a tee. JERRY What tee? KRAMER A golf tee. In the dry cleaner. (Monk's) JERRY Newman! She went out with Newman! ELAINE It must be a mistake. JERRY No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her? ELAINE Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye. JERRY No, there's less. ELAINE It's possible. JERRY No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil. ELAINE He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle. JERRY Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie. WX Would you like some more coffee? JERRY No,, but thank you. JERRY Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil. ELAINE Ugh! You are kidding me. JERRY No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it. ELAINE I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street. JERRY Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it. ELAINE To please Mr. Pitt. JERRY Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited. ELAINE Uh, great! JERRY Hi Julie. JERRY Hi. ELAINE Hi Julie. JERRY Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here. ELAINE Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday. JERRY How do you know THAT? (Newman's apartment) (knock knock) NEWMAN Who is it. JERRY It's Jerry. NEWMAN You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later? JERRY Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR! NEWMAN Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing? JERRY Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret? NEWMAN There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen? JERRY No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened? NEWMAN Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type. JERRY Noit your type? NEWMAN Not really. JERRY Well, how come? NEWMAN Ah, she just didn't do it for me. JERRY What, what is wrong with her? NEWMAN Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters. JERRY You don't think she's attractive? NEWMAN No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me. JERRY Okay, Newman, thanks a lot. NEWMAN Care for some lemonade? JERRY No, thank you. NEWMAN Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha (Jerry's apartment) KRAMER Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry. JERRY But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler? KRAMER Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened. JERRY What are you so worried about this for? KRAMER You know he talked about Pinkus on the course? JERRY He did? KRAMER Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus. JERRY So it had nothing to do with you. KRAMER Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge. JERRY No, I don't think so. KRAMER Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus. JERRY Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that. JERRY Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls? KRAMER Oh, I love curls. JERRY Yeah,, me too. KRAMER All right, I'll see you later. JERRY Where you going? KRAMER Genderson's. JERRY You're going to see Genderson? KRAMER It's weighing on my conscience. (Monk's) GEORGE You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible? JULIE Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before. GEORGE A ha! We're just friends. JULIE Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing. GEORGE Oh, share. JULIE Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday. GEORGE Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that. JULIE Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her? GEORGE Well, she probably just assumed. JULIE Um, did she? GEORGE . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me? JULIE That's what I'm suggesting. GEORGE . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH? JULIE George, all I did was hand someone a bag. (Julie leaves) (Stationery store) ELAINE It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away. STATIONER Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were going to get one someplace else? ELAINE No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry. STATIONER I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three hours. I had a big fight with the foreman. ELAINE Really? A fight with the foreman? STATIONER Yes. ELAINE Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry. STATIONER Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight? ELAINE Okay. (In Margaret's car) MARGARET I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. JERRY You had how many dates with him? Three? MARGARET Around three. I don't know. JERRY And . . MARGARET I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at? JERRY What? I'm not looking. Nothing. JERRY Why are you looking at my face? JERRY Where am I going to look? MARGARET Kiss me. JERRY . . . I can't. (Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off) JERRY Newman! (Jerry's apartment) JERRY All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable. ELAINE Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy. JERRY You're going out with the stationery store guy? ELAINE I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no. (George enters, upset) ELAINE Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'. ELAINE Uh, uh. GEORGE You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD. (phone rings) JERRY Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike. TV As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing buddies. POLICE 9-1-1 What are you reporting KRAMER Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off. POLICE Okay, sir, and what's your name? KRAMER My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit! GENDERSON I told you not to take the turnpike. KRAMER I thought we would blend in. GENDERSON If we took the palisades this never have happened. KRAMER we would have had all that bridge traffic. GENDERSON Ah, just drive. (Comedy club) JERRY Jail doesn't really seem like that great of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? Constantly calling him, hanging up when he answers the phone. Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. After a while he would go, "I wish that guy would kill me already, I can't take it anymore." And how come when the police catch some really bad criminal or something they put him in the handcuffs, they hit him with the baton, they put the choke hold on him, then they're always careful they don't want him to hurt his head when they're putting him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch your head, watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. . . . That REALLY hurts" THE END

THE SECRETARY

THE SECRETARY Written by Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross (Comedy club) I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about fur? Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear. To me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top of their head? You know I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goof ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there. I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees. Exterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George are talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off to be dry cleaned. GEORGE Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview. JERRY That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother. GEORGE Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me. JERRY From your mother. (George & Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few customers leave the store.) JERRY So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the Spokes model category? GEORGE Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and ability. JERRY That's a 180, George. GEORGE Whatever. (Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about the lobby area) JERRY Hi Willie. WILLIE Hey Jerry. JERRY I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage. WILLIE What are you doing with it? JERRY Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida. DONNA Hi. JERRY Hi. WILLIE Hey Jerry, you know my wife �Donna�. JERRY Yeah, that's why I said �hi�. (Donna smiles and walks away) WILLIE Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket) JERRY Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth. WILLIE Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very flattering. JERRY Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line. Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's office where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his secretary job. APPLICANT Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I'm completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs. GEORGE (looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in. (the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another even more attractive woman is seated there) GEORGE You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in) (A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george) ADE As you can see my references are impeccable. I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. So will there be any late nights? GEORGE I can't imagine. Exterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine is holding a garment bag and talking with Jerry. ELAINE Ok, So Barney's is having this huge sale. I try this dress on -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself. JERRY Yeah. ELAINE OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I'm carrying twins. JERRY So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy. ELAINE Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it. JERRY I thought we were going to the movies? ELAINE All right I'll try it on again. You tell me what you think. (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes) (George Enters) GEORGE Hey hey. ELAINE Hey George GEORGE Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before. JERRY Because you didn't have a job? GEORGE Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade. JERRY A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the �dish� and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit. (Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress, arms extended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look on her face that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards George and Jerry) JERRY It's a little ... ELAINE All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there. JERRY You got no waist in that thing. GEORGE You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli. ELAINE I said, All Right. GEORGE Well wha'd you buy it for? ELAINE Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. JERRY How fast was she walking? (Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns and looks at Jerry) GEORGE Demi? I thought it was Demi? JERRY No. I think it's Demi. GEORGE Really? I never heard of a semi tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods in agreement) (Elaine walks back in, still in the dress) ELAINE Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise) JERRY What? ELAINE Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter. JERRY Oh, you're crazy. ELAINE Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's? GEORGE (to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she might have something there. (Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches backwards) KRAMER Whoa. What are you all dressed up for? ELAINE Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's. KRAMER Good idea. JERRY Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies. ELAINE Yeah yeah, ok. KRAMER Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva. ELAINE Moisturizer? That's girls stuff. KRAMER No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're having a sale right. ELAINE yeah. KRAMER I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch. ELAINE Well we could ... KRAMER Well, we'll get to know each other. We never get to spend any time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief) Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's office, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new secretary takes down notes as to what George is saying. GEORGE And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel. ADE Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container of chinese food from the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods. GEORGE Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george laughs) ADE OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable. GEORGE Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... efficient. ADE Well thank you, I'm flattered. GEORGE I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization. ADE Well I'm just, hm, doing my job. GEORGE It's like I'm thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) one step ahead of me. ADE What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at what I do. (smiling and quietly laughing proudly) GEORGE (coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm ... thinking about now? ADE (thinking about the question, she stops writing) Yes, I think I do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him) GEORGE Is it, uh, doable? ADE It's definitely doable. (Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with her glasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face and throws them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss and slither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the camera cannot see them on the floor) Outside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited the theater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other movie goers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there is a line of people waiting to buy tickets for the next show. JERRY Well, that was the worst. ELAINE I can't believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on gloves) Gimme a break. MAN (waiting in line for tickets, he overhears Elaine) Hey, give us a break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth! ANOTHER MAN (waiting in line, closer to the box office) Yeah! (in agreement with the other guy) (Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry) KRAMER You got a pen? JERRY Yeah, I think I do. KRAMER And I need something to write on. JERRY Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub. KRAMER I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma. JERRY Uma Therman? Really? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE How'd you manage that. KRAMER Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater) JERRY He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner? ELAINE Where? JERRY He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket. ELAINE What would he be doing wearing your jacket? JERRY It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it. ELAINE Are you sure? (Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully) KRAMER I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket) ELAINE You are amazing. KRAMER Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera) Exterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza's office. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and undress while kissing. ADE Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt. GEORGE Ade you are incredible (as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again -- the camera cannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over George's desk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade's shoe in the air above the desk) ADE Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me that pillow. (we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs a pillow from the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down to her on the ground) GEORGE What? Oh, My God! ADE Mr. CO STAN ZA! GEORGE Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you a raise! Exterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and Jerry are sitting in the normal booth. JERRY So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out �I'm giving you a raise.� GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give raises? GEORGE Not that I'm aware of, no. JERRY So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head. GEORGE I didn't think ahead. JERRY Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk. GEORGE I didn't say any other bawdy things. JERRY Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back. GEORGE All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore. (they stand up from their seats at the booth) JERRY All right, all right. I'm sorry. GEORGE Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise. JERRY How long has she been there? GEORGE 3 days. JERRY It's almost a week. (Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in their dry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George and Jerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the register, Jerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out a movie stub) JERRY Oh, My god. GEORGE What? JERRY It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes. Commercial Exterior shot of Barney's department store, street scene with store windows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney's sales associate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda is the name of the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room area. Elaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning. ELAINE These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here. something else. ELAINE OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the direction of the elevator) ELAINE Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales associate turns and walks away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What are you all dressed up for? KRAMER Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the, swank. ELAINE I like your little bag. KRAMER Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm. ELAINE Huh. (Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm) KRAMER Wait till that Uma smells this Uva. (Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters the clothing dept.) BANIA Hey Kramer. KRAMER Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, is putting moisturizer under his eyes) BANIA I'm looking for a new suit. I can't find anything I like. That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit) KRAMER Well, thank you. BANIA Did you get that here? KRAMER No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore. BANIA You're telling me. KRAMER I sure am. BANIA It's hard for me to find pants that -- KRAMER (interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted. BANIA Yes KRAMER Me too. BANIA What size are you? KRAMER Uh, 42. BANIA 42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, I'm huge. How'd you like to sell it? KRAMER make me an offer. BANIA 100 Bucks KRAMER Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania) BANIA 175 KRAMER Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This is old world craftsmanship. BANIA 300 dollars. KRAMER Sold. Follow me into the dressing room. BANIA You throw the shirt in? KRAMER Bania, you're killing me. BANIA Hey that's the women's dressing room. KRAMER There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before. Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George Steinbrenner's office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner, looking towards the door. GEORGE (Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second? STEINBRENNER Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of course you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to say you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff. GEORGE Well, you know, to be honest sir -- my, my new secretary Ade, came up with that one. STEINBRENNER Ade, Ade, I like that name George. GEORGE She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room) STEINBRENNER Is that a fact George? GEORGE Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards Steinbrenner's desk) STEINBRENNER I had a bout of that myself one time -- knocked me right on my ass. GEORGE She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic. STEINBRENNER What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter? ($2.25) GEORGE You know what I was just thinking -- she could really use a raise. (Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver) STEINBRENNER You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, ah, George will you excuse me. Daylight exterior shot of Barney's department store windows, with traffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room -- she is almost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress. Kramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's -- we see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over the top of Elaine's' dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her. KRAMER Psst. Hey. (Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly covered from the dress she is putting on) ELAINE Kramer, what are you doing here? KRAMER Listen, I need you to get me some clothes. ELAINE What? KRAMER Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred. ELAINE So go buy a new one. KRAMER What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin. ELAINE So. KRAMER Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, tell him to bring me some clothes. ELAINE Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door) Exterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior -- Jerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with her dry-cleaning . JERRY Hello, Willie. WILLIE Hey, Jerry. You dropping off? JERRY No, but ah, seen any good movies lately? WILLIE You came by to ask that? JERRY Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie? WILLIE What are you gettin at? JERRY I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket. WILLIE Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's code. JERRY You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples' clothes WILLIE I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international symbol for �insane�) JERRY Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter) WILLIE Jerry. JERRY Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- I'll be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too. WILLIE Jerry, come on. JERRY Now. WILLIE Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left -- he is thinking about his wife Donna) (Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand, eating a hot dog) JERRY Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket) WILLIE Well ... ahh. (apprehensively) JERRY Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer. WILLIE Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the coat? JERRY No, not on me. WILLIE Well, I, I need to see that ticket. JERRY Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket. WILLIE Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are huge. You can't, get anything without a number. JERRY All right, I'll be back. Elaine inside Barney's, she stands in front of a full length mirror. The sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress. ELAINE Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean? ELAINE I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror. (Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and walks out of the clothing dept.) Daytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza's office. ADE I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. I'm so grateful GEORGE Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a circular motion to his right) ADE It was just so generous. GEORGE Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's got plenty of money. (spins his chair away from her) ADE Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand. GEORGE (spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year raise. ADE Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner... GEORGE You're making more than I am. ADE I am? GEORGE What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary cannot make more than her boss. ADE Well apparently they can. Elaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the sidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious she is cold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's window, then stops at the Love, Health & Beauty Aids store, where the reflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store. ELAINE Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie. (meaning her hips are not that large) (a man exits the store) ELAINE Hey, what do you think of this? MAN (with disbelief): You'll never pull it off. Barney's Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer knocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry. FEMALE CUSTOMER Hey, what's going on in there? (Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.) JERRY (to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions? (Female customer walks up to the Barney's sales associate that Jerry was just talking to) FEMALE CUSTOMER This woman has been in there for over an hour. (The Barney's sales associate walks into the dressing room area and up to the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry) KRAMER (Yeah) (through the door) (Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door) JERRY Kramer? KRAMER Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes? JERRY What clothes? KRAMER Didn't Elaine call you? JERRY No. KRAMER Well what are you doing here? JERRY What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out. KRAMER Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants JERRY Where are your pants? KRAMER Well, I sold them to Bania. JERRY What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer is standing there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt) JERRY Why'd you sell your pants to Bania? KRAMER ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number written on that stub. I lost Uma's number. JERRY Where are your clothes? KRAMER I told you I sold them to Bania. JERRY You mean what you were wearing? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY How'd you expect to get out of here? KRAMER Well, I didn't think ahead. (Elaine reenters the Barney's clothing dept., rubbing her arms because he is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the dressing rooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register counter and tries to act like she has been there for a while.) ELAINE This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me something else. ELAINE No? ELAINE I am? ELAINE Ha! That's preposterous. snow in the store. (Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain) ELAINE No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there? JERRY (Elaine) ELAINE Jerry? (Bania enters the dressing room area) BANIA Elaine, where's Kramer? KRAMER Bania? BANIA Kramer. JERRY I'm going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside) BANIA Jerry. JERRY Bania. BANIA Kramer, I want my money back for this suit. You're nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined. KRAMER Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here. JERRY (to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room) KRAMER Uma's number is on that ticket. JERRY Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit? KRAMER I'm not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it. JERRY I got an idea. KRAMER What? JERRY I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania) JERRY Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going? BANIA Pretty good. JERRY Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, I'm in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants. BANIA Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket. JERRY Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner. BANIA Can we go back to Mendy's? JERRY You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's. BANIA Twice? I wanna go twice. JERRY all right let's be reasonable, Bania. I'm taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal. BANIA Two Mendy's. JERRY . . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket. BANIA Here you go. JERRY Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room) Exterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George Steinbrenner's office. George Costanza stands pleading his case. GEORGE But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack. STEINBRENNER Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies. (George starts to back away from the desk) STEINBRENNER I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well not that I was ever one for the sweets. (George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking slowly towards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually to full arms extended upwards) STEINBRENNER Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge. Jerry stands outside the Barney's dressing room door that Kramer is waiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door. JERRY Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket) KRAMER (closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number. JERRY (Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too. KRAMER (grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts. JERRY (grabs the ticket back) Give me that. (Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while Bania is walking towards the exit of the clothing dept.) JERRY Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania) BANIA (looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying to get out of Mendy's? you can't do that. JERRY The ticket is worthless. BANIA You promised me. (Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out of the deal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department. Jerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room area. She has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm to try on) JERRY Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat? (Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own clothes. The Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches as Jerry follows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in front of the door where she went into, listens for a half second and then pushes the door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it yet -- It is Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and taken aback ...) DONNA No it's not. (the coat) JERRY It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back. DONNA No, what are you talking about. (The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door, so all you see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as Jerry takes the coat from her.) DONNA Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ... JERRY You can't have that coat, it's not yours. (Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level as she walks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap over her Left shoulder) JERRY What do you think the dry-cleaner's is your own personal closet! (Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register counter) CONTINUITY ERROR -- AS SHE WALKS UP TO ELAINE, DONNA IS NOW HOLDING her long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it to her left hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse hangs below her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap over her SHOULDER AS SHE LEFT THE DRESSING ROOM AREA WALKING AWAY FROM JERRY. ELAINE Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this? (Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out) DONNA Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece of cake. Bring it in. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it? ELAINE (Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of Donna's question) The camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk outside. L-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above their heads in the background is a sign that reads �KalSigns� -- I believe this is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a sign company. Kramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously too small for his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes down to his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white socks. He looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold. Elaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin Klein dress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands in the pockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had on earlier in the store. Kramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or close up the coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As the scene ends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see his white boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but earlier he had on boxers in the dressing room) The camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot of Mendy's Restaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at a table. BANIA Mmm. This soup is great. JERRY Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly) BANIA I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it? JERRY Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't) BANIA Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand -- JERRY (Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it. BANIA Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. I'm meeting a woman for a drink. JERRY Oh, and who might that be? BANIA Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the air) (Comedy club) JERRY If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous. THE END

THE POOL GUY

THE POOL GUY Written by David Mandel (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me? JERRY Well, what do you mean? GEORGE Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win? JERRY Well I think that's pretty obvious. GEORGE Yeah. Me too. (Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee) JERRY Hey Elaine. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here (pointing up and down at George) ELAINE You mean in a real Fight Fight? JERRY Mona a Baldo. ELAINE George. GEORGE Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator) JERRY Why? ELAINE George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee) JERRY Really? What would you do? GEORGE Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage) JERRY Hmm. ELAINE So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met. JERRY I'm sorry. ELAINE George? GEORGE Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral? ELAINE There's nobody I can go with. (Kramer enters) ELAINE You know what. I don't have one female friend left. KRAMER Oh, no, of course you don't. You're a Man's Woman. You hate other women, and they hate you. ELAINE Thank you. KRAMER So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies? JERRY Ah, how about 8:30? KRAMER Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite) JERRY You want to get something to eat first? KRAMER ( mumbling with full mouth ) No, I'm good. GEORGE I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up the phone from the coffee table, then decides not to call) No. I better just go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook by the door and rushes out) KRAMER There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, who's afraid of a woman. (voice get high-pitched for the last line) JERRY Hey, why don't cha ask Susan? ELAINE George's Susan? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends with Susan. (smacks her forehead with hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.) KRAMER That's gunna be trouble. JERRY Why? KRAMER Jerry, don't you see? This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his world's collide. You know what happens then? (Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them together in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand, so when his hands come into contact food flies all over) KRAMER Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound) Camera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry and Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets. KRAMER Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone number? JERRY How come? KRAMER Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know my number. (Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression that says really?) RAMON (recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are you Mr. Backstroke? JERRY Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined. KRAMER Oh, yeah. RAMON So you know what happened don't chu? JERRY No what? RAMON I got fired. JERRY Really? RAMON Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in the pool. JERRY Ahh. RAMON Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, eh. JERRY OK, see you later. KRAMER What's in the deep end? Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan sits on the couch reading. (Telephone rings) GEORGE Hello? ELAINE Hey George. GEORGE Hey Elainie. What's going on? ELAINE (sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. Can I talk to Susan GEORGE Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll get her for you. he, he, he, he. Seriously, what's up? ELAINE No, George really. Can I talk to Susan? GEORGE Susan, why? ELAINE Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow. GEORGE Oh, I don't think you want to do that. ELAINE Why not? GEORGE Well what would be the point of that? (Susan, hearing her name glances over at George) ELAINE George, are you going to put her on the phone? GEORGE Where did this come from all of a sudden? ELAINE George, are you going to let me talk to Susan, or Not? GEORGE I really think I should have been consulted about this. (George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch and hands the phone to Susan) GEORGE Here ... something. SUSAN Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh, that sounds great. I love that sort of stuff. (George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right hand clenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his left hand just above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out of the room.) Night exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs for Panasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds �Golden Arches� are visible. Then to the inside of the movie theater. KRAMER You want to sit here? JERRY Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, Over there. (points to the next seat over) KRAMER Why? JERRY Little buffer zone. KRAMER (Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat) JERRY Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other? KRAMER No. You got a point. JERRY All right. KRAMER I can't ... JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER Well these seats have no lumbar. JERRY Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking. (Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch of napkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn) KRAMER We are talking. JERRY Pretend it's interesting. KRAMER So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are still looking for me. JERRY Oh yeah that's shocking, but sounds ... RAMON Hey, hi Jerry. JERRY Oh, hey Ramon. RAMON Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. You want some? JERRY Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer) RAMON Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken? (Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry) JERRY No. (As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry looks like he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head front to back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good) Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry and George are talking. JERRY And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then he walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. Finally I said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now. GEORGE By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today? JERRY No why? GEORGE (sighs) She called Susan last night. JERRY Oh yeah, I know. GEORGE How do you know? JERRY Well it was my idea. GEORGE Your idea? JERRY Yeah. GEORGE Wha'd you do that for? JERRY She was looking for someone to go to the show with. GEORGE Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now? JERRY World's collide. (points at George) GEORGE Whe ... Well yeah! JERRY Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with -- GEORGE YES! It Blows Up! So if you know that, what did you tell Elaine for? JERRY I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds. GEORGE You couldn't figure out the �World's Theory� for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. (gesturing with hands going outward) JERRY Yeah, I guess I slipped up. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. GEORGE He knows the worlds theory. KRAMER What is it blowing up? GEORGE Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment) (Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) KRAMER Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes. JERRY What is it? KRAMER Well it's 555-3455. JERRY 555-3455. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY (picks up the phone on the coffee table) �555-3455.� Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK. KRAMER What's Filk? JERRY Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone. KRAMER Oh Movie Phone. JERRY Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you. KRAMER So, I'm Filk? JERRY You're Filk. KRAMER Oh, Mama. Susan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk. ELAINE Well what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore to the 19th Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye. SUSAN Oh whoo. Quite the D�Colletage for a suffragette. ELAINE Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been one hell of a party. SUSAN Whoo. ELAINE Ha, ha, ha, ha. SUSAN Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you. ELAINE What? SUSAN Ehahh, forget it. ELAINE What? You can tell me. I'll put it in the vault. SUSAN The vault? ELAINE Mm-Hmm. Exterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to the men's locker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag. Some men are in the background talking. the movies with Ramon. JERRY Oh, well, I didn't actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into him there. (putting on coat) you to cheer him up. PAUL Tell him to call us. DUSTIN Tell him, Dustin says, �Hello.� JERRY All right, I gotta go. PAUL To see Ramon? (Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares off the other direction, laughing to himself) Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment. JERRY What else did you two do? ELAINE Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff. JERRY Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight? (Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed, blank expression, just looking at Jerry) ELAINE That's really what you think girls do, isn't it? JERRY Yes, I do. (very serious) ELAINE All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom) JERRY Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new friendship. ELAINE Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... (closing the bathroom door) (Kramer enters and leaves the door open) KRAMER Hey man, what's going on? JERRY Hey. (Telephone rings) KRAMER Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) Yeah hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on. (Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie section) KRAMER Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, no, no problem, yeah. (Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in, puts the phone in his pocket) JERRY You're looking up movies for people now? KRAMER I got time. (Telephone rings) KRAMER And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry) JERRY (shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him. (Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone on to Jerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and get Jerry to take the phone from him) CONTINUITY ERROR -- DURING THIS PART OF THE SCENE, WE CLEARLY SEE Kramer's right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty. This sequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the sequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left hand -- he did not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously a CONTINUITY ERROR KRAMER Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still showing. (Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper. Elaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened, she gestures towards Kramer as he exits) (Intercom buzzes) JERRY Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah? RAMON (Hey it's Ramon) JERRY What? RAMON (Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up) JERRY (to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here? ELAINE Who? Who is Ramon? JERRY He's the pool guy. ELAINE What pool guy? JERRY Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here. ELAINE Yeah, no problem. ---------------------------------------------------- INCONSISTENCY IN REALITY -- RAMON SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S DOOR, 8 SECONDS from the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer. Either Ramon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast (he does not appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators. -- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine complains ABOUT THE SLOW ELEVATORS IN JERRY'S APT. BUILDING. Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend ELAINE You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones. JERRY Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time. ---------------------------------------------------- RAMON Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and points both index fingers at him) How are you, crazy guy? JERRY Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine. ELAINE Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left him on his own) JERRY So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon? RAMON Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured I'd check you out. JERRY Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do. RAMON Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going? JERRY Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat and throws it over his shoulder) RAMON Hey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff JERRY All right. (They head for the door) Moving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where Jerry sits next to Ramon RAMON So get this. I get down there, and right away, I see the drain is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it? JERRY All right Ramon, I'm going to get going. (Subway train stops and door opens) JERRY I think we should separate here actually. RAMON What are you trying to say Jerry? JERRY Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more. RAMON Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, right? JERRY That has nothing to do with it. RAMON You su -- (no audio) (through the moving subway window, Ramon is swearing and pointing at Jerry) Exterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment. SUSAN Yeah, we got along real well. GEORGE You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don't cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men. SUSAN Yeah, I know. We talked all about that. GEORGE You talked all about that? SUSAN Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault. GEORGE Did you just say vault? SUSAN Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong? GEORGE You got that from Elaine. SUSAN Yeah. So what? GEORGE Well it's a little strange. You going to start to talk like Elaine from now on? SUSAN I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday. GEORGE We'd all go to movie on Friday? SUSAN Yeah. GEORGE This is not good. World's are colliding! George is getting upset! (Commercial) Inside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening to George. GEORGE Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George. JERRY I, I love that George. GEORGE Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand! (Elaine enters) GEORGE You're Killing Independent George! You know that, don't you? ELAINE George I don't even want to get -- GEORGE You know what word Susan used last night? Hnuh. Vault! hu, hu, hu. ELAINE So? GEORGE She got that from you! ELAINE Well, I didn't tell here to say it. GEORGE What is she the only girl in the whole world? Why can't you get find your own girl? ELAINE I Like Her! GEORGE You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what I'm talking about. It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits -- slamming the door) JERRY So you want to catch a movie later? ELAINE Ahh, yeah, sure. JERRY I don't have a paper though. ELAINE Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials) (Ring) KRAMER Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought to you by the New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon -- �You've got to get me over that mountain!� �Now� (bang, bang) �AHHHHHHHHHH� There is no place higher than ... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1. ELAINE Kramer, is that you? KRAMER Elaine? ELAINE Uh, what time does Chow Fun start? KRAMER I don't know. Exterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's locker room. RAMON Well, well. Look who's here. JERRY Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble. RAMON No, I don't think so Jerry. You see they gave me my job back. JERRY What? RAMON I'm a pool boy ... again. JERRY Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm sorry if I offended you. I get a little crabby on the subway. RAMON Do you? JERRY What happened to all the towels? RAMON Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared. (walks away) (Newman rushes up to Jerry) NEWMAN Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face with the top one) Ha, ha, ha. (Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for a towel as Newman walks away) Exterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the steps and on to the sidewalk. JERRY It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ... ELAINE Uh-huh. JERRY And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone. ELAINE Uhh, so frustrating! JERRY Tell me about it. ELAINE Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee shop? JERRY You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY I'm meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop. ELAINE Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting. (Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the upcoming ramifications) Elaine and Jerry enter Monk's coffee shop as Susan sits across the booth from Kramer. SUSAN Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here! KRAMER There they are. SUSAN Yeah, look who I ran into. KRAMER Hey. ELAINE Yeah. (sits down next to Susan) KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Ahh. (Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for George, and feeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events) KRAMER Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us? JERRY Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet, eh, someone -- I'll, I'll wait for them outside. (walks towards the door) KRAMER Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with you? JERRY This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly) (Jerry sits down next to Kramer) SUSAN What's that Jerry? JERRY (coughing) I said, boy am I ugly. (George enters the coffee shop) SUSAN Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here. (George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting in the booth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment, nods his head again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table) GEORGE One, two ... three, four. (extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and Jerry, who he puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and presses it to Jerry's cheek) GEORGE Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door) SUSAN Hey George! JERRY We'll pull up another chair. Exterior of Reggie's diner, then inside where George sits alone in a booth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping coffee. Exterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the pool. Jerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large squeegee on a long pole. JERRY I see you there Ramon. (Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee) JERRY Hey, l�ll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. I'm not done. I know what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my place to swim. (Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry grabs the squeegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match) JERRY Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just stop it. (Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool) RAMON Oh. (Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing suits) NEWMAN Olly, olly, oxen, free! (It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool, filmed in slow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face, seeing Newman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.) JERRY (NO!) Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck. Newman and Jerry are kneeling over him. JERRY I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. NEWMAN Mouth-to-mouth? JERRY Yeah. NEWMAN Huh. JERRY Well? Go ahead. NEWMAN You go. JERRY You knocked him out. NEWMAN Yeah, but you pulled him in. JERRY Come on Newman. Do it. NEWMAN Nah. JERRY He might die. NEWMAN Yeah. Maybe. Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where Susan and Elaine are sitting and talking. ELAINE (on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll meet you at the theater. 00, we can't wait any longer. SUSAN Elaine, where could he be? It's not like George to just disappear. ELAINE Look, let's just leave him a note, okay? SUSAN Oh, I don't know. ELAINE Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks up pad of paper and writes) �George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.� Love? SUSAN Yeah. ELAINE �Love ... Susan.� Camera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie theater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets. JERRY So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him mouth-to-mouth. ELAINE He could have died JERRY Yeah, it was a gamble. SUSAN Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth? JERRY Ah. (makes face) ELAINE How can you possibly show your face there again? JERRY Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, we can't go anywhere near there. (they move up to the ticket window) ELAINE Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults ... one child. (looking towards Jerry) Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where George finds the note. GEORGE What the hell is this? �George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.� With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. Great! (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always go with Jerry. (Rings) KRAMER Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one. GEORGE Come on. Come on. KRAMER Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie title, now. (George presses 3 keys) KRAMER You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one. GEORGE What? KRAMER Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, press one. (George looks baffled) KRAMER Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected. GEORGE Chunnel? KRAMER To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit zip-code, now. (George enters his zip-code) KRAMER Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie? GEORGE Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway. KRAMER (picks up paper) Chunnel, is playing at the Paragon 84th Street GEORGE Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone and rushes out the door) KRAMER It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00. Night exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in the foreground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater, George, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's trying to be quiet and still get their attention. GEORGE Jerry ... Where are you? I know you like to sit back here. Elaine! Susan! MOVIE PATRON SHH! �The English Channel Tunnel, Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England and another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for your time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.� -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed to be focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it) Cut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater next door. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats a bit of popcorn JERRY I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them? SUSAN No, no. That's not the guy. That's a different guy. (Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking) JERRY What is he doing in the Chunnel? SUSAN Would you two, Please? (movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! ) (Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and look at each other, with silent expressions that say �what is her problem.�) �Let me tell you something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway is adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag (inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him and Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside down! Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)� THIS TIME IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE SOME inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it) back to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of the theater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying to find Jerry, Elaine and Susan. GEORGE Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know you're there! Answer me! MOVIE PATRON (Hey, sit down!) GEORGE Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves! MOVIE PATRON (Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here!) GEORGE Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, Jerry! Reggies! MOVIE PATRON (Move it off of there!) GEORGE Where are you! 2ND MOVIE PATRON (Hey are you sure you got the right theater?) GEORGE Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel. Susan! 2ND MOVIE PATRON (It's playing in two theaters.) GEORGE Two theaters? 2ND MOVIE PATRON (Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.) GEORGE Oh. Sorry. (A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect it, but the popcorn flies all over) �There's something else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya. No, she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry to disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel. Oh?� (inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere between France and ... (inaudible)� AGAIN, IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE SOME inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it) Elaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater. ELAINE I thought that was pretty good, huh? JERRY Wha'd you think Susan? SUSAN Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. You, you talked the whole movie. ELAINE Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat? JERRY Yeah. SUSAN Ah, no. I don't think so. ELAINE Why not? SUSAN Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it. I'll see you. (Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being escorted out of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay inside the theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and Susan watch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three of them standing there.) GEORGE I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me. Together, laughing and lying. USHER Let's go pal. GEORGE They're -- They're killing independent George! And they're, they're all in on it! World's are colliding! (Camera freeze on George with the two ushers -- and into commercial) his hand knocks 3 times on the door. MOVIE PHONE GUY Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare. (Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal is obviously startled by the voice at his door) MOVIE PHONE GUY (con't) I know your in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5B. You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break this door down. Please select Now. (as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and ducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.) THE END

THE PLEDGE DRIVE

THE PLEDGE DRIVE Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back and forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar folded paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings are, so I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a Boy and our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office" Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment. ELAINE She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen? JERRY Your friend, Noreen. ELAINE Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself? JERRY If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen. ELAINE I cannot believe that she was hitting on you. JERRY If you don't believe me, ask her. ELAINE I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house? JERRY Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice. ELAINE Yeah. Kramer enters. KRAMER Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail? JERRY Check the pile. KRAMER Oh, who sent you a card? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Open it, it's from Hallmark. JERRY Oh. KRAMER Hello, my love. ELAINE Hello, darling. JERRY Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin. KRAMER Let me see. ELAINE Who's Kristin? JERRY She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive. KRAMER Did you ask her about me? JERRY Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone. KRAMER Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right? JERRY No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station. KRAMER Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right? JERRY Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders. Kramer leaves, satisfied. ELAINE You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen. JERRY Oh, go ahead. ELAINE You sure you don't mind? JERRY Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me. Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice answers. HIGH PITCHED VOICE Hello? ELAINE Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry. HIGH PITCHED VOICE Jerry? ELAINE Jerry Seinfeld. HIGH PITCHED VOICE Oh, I like Jerry a lot. ELAINE You mean like like? HIGH PITCHED VOICE What are you talking about? ELAINE Noreen, were you hitting on him? Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man on the telephone. HIGH PITCHED VOICE Noreen's not here, this is Dan. ELAINE Ooh. DAN You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld? ELAINE Uh, I'll call you back later. ELAINE Uh oh. JERRY So was I right? She likes me, right? Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing. MR. PITT Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving my number out? ELAINE Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello? HIGH PITCHED VOICE Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld? ELAINE Is this Noreen? HIGH PITCHED VOICE What would ever possess you to make up a story like that. ELAINE Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know-- DAN I think I deserve an explanation. ELAINE Noreen, are you crying? DAN No, this is Dan! ELAINE Oh, hi Dan. MR. PITT Elaine? Work? ELAINE Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later. MR. PITT Who was crying? ELAINE No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't happen again. Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with KNIFE AND FORK) I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know who it was. Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know-- Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is reading from a sheet of paper. JERRY I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now. KRISTIN Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this. JERRY Oh, I know you are. KRISTIN You got the card I sent? JERRY I did. KRISTIN So where is it? JERRY What? KRISTIN The card. Is this it in the trash? JERRY No? KRISTIN This is my card, you threw it away. JERRY Well-- KRISTIN I put a lot of thought into this card. JERRY You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem. KRISTIN Fine. I gotta get back to the office. JERRY Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it? KRISTIN You have no sentimentality. JERRY I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm not a bad guy. KRISTIN Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great! JERRY Well, but, you see, I saved something! See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok? Kramer enters as Kristin leaves. KRAMER New cards, huh? JERRY No, they're old cards from my grandmother. KRAMER Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits. JERRY Yeah. KRAMER Oh, a check. JERRY Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I save them. KRAMER There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them? JERRY I don't know, it's ten dollars. KRAMER But you got a whole pile here. 1987? JERRY Oh so what. KRAMER Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face. JERRY Oh, get out of here. KRAMER Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom. JERRY Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks. KRAMER Yeah. Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. JERRY It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it? GEORGE The rule is a minimum of two days. JERRY You making that up or do you know what you're talking about? GEORGE I'm making it up. JERRY I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel. GEORGE Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story. JERRY Absolutely. GEORGE If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person. JERRY So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor. GEORGE Let's have it. JERRY Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball player to come on the show with me... GEORGE You want me to ask one of the Yankees. JERRY Could you? GEORGE Alright. I'll run it by a few people. JERRY Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone. ELAINE I should never have made that phone call. JERRY Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen? ELAINE Yes, she's very upset. JERRY So was I right about the flirting? Was it true? ELAINE I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling-- GEORGE Who was flirting with you? JERRY Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us? GEORGE She wasn't flirting with you. JERRY Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come on. ELAINE Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published. Elaine and George laugh derisively. JERRY Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what? ELAINE So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork. GEORGE Really? ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Why does he do that? GEORGE He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars. JERRY Oh, you know. GEORGE What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me, sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this? WAITRESS That's the extra toast. Get it? GEORGE Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened here? ELAINE What? GEORGE Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger. JERRY That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty. George is in a meeting at work. GEORGE So, what do you think? MR. MORGAN A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven. GEORGE Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven. George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork. MR. MORGAN Uh, what the hell are you doing? GEORGE I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands? MR. MORGAN You know, maybe George has something here about PBS. Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM. JERRY Okay, sixty bucks from Nana. KRAMER Huh? Yeah. Nana is home knitting, the phone rings. NANA Hello? VOICE Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your checking account is overdrawn. NANA Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months. VOICE Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn. Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning. VOICE Wait, we can do this over the phone. the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the door. George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop. JERRY You got Danny Tartabull?! GEORGE You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee. JERRY Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled. GEORGE Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing. KRAMER So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight. GEORGE Absolutely. Pending approval of the script. JERRY Excuse me? GEORGE Jerry, I'm Yankee management. KRAMER Yeah, I'd like to see the script too. JERRY You're just answering phones! KRAMER It would put me at ease. GEORGE Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses. JERRY Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men WAITRESS Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes with your breakfast special. JERRY Right you are. GEORGE I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too. WAITRESS I'll check. GEORGE I don't believe it, she did it again! JERRY Oh, she had an itch. GEORGE She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me. KRAMER Yeah, she knew what she was doing. JERRY By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks. Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned building, checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind. STREET TOUGH Looking for something, lady? NANA Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block? STREET TOUGH The bank? It burned. It's gone! NANA Oh dear. STREET TOUGH Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street, that's the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you. Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings. JERRY Hello? UNCLE LEO Jerry? Hello. JERRY Uncle Leo! Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing. Kramer enters. JERRY Nana's missing? UNCLE LEO I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here. I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment in twenty-five years! JERRY I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks. KRAMER Yeah, that's right. You did. UNCLE LEO What kind of checks? JERRY I think Chemical Bank. KRAMER Oh, they were Chemical. UNCLE LEO Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed. What are you doing cashing her checks anyway? JERRY Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never should have cashed those checks! KRAMER Hey, I didn't twist your arm. UNCLE LEO Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke? JERRY Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing! KRAMER Well, don't look at me. JERRY It's your fault! KRAMER My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people. Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar with a knife and fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine seated at the counter at Monk's. NOREEN So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry, he won't let up. ELAINE I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that. NOREEN No, why? ELAINE Well, you know, because he's a high talker. NOREEN He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal. ELAINE No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker. NOREEN Really? ELAINE You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours? NOREEN I never noticed that. ELAINE Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a woman, you know? NOREEN Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman. ELAINE Well, he looks like a man. NOREEN Yeah. ELAINE He's bald. I know that's a guy thing. NOREEN I guess. ELAINE I know he belches a lot. NOREEN Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him. ELAINE Yeah. NOREEN Hm. He's kind of a baritone, isn't he? ELAINE What are you doing? NOREEN I'm eating this cookie. ELAINE No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just think of that? NOREEN No, I've seen people do it. I like it. George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive. DANNY TARTABULL This isn't gonna take long, is it? GEORGE Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I perused the script and it's met with my approval. DANNY TARTABULL I'm sure it's fine. GEORGE Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the finger! DANNY TARTABULL You sure? GEORGE Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us! DANNY TARTABULL What are you doing? GEORGE I'm following him. Nana is at the bank. BANKER I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld. NANA Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain? BANKER Oh, certainly. Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. ELAINE And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine. The phone rings. JERRY Would you? ELAINE Hello? NANA Hello, I need to speak to Jerry. ELAINE Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you. Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why don't you just drop dead? ELAINE Heh? Kramer enters. KRAMER Any word from Nana? JERRY No. ELAINE Nana? JERRY Yeah, my grandma's missing. ELAINE Missing? JERRY Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks. ELAINE Um, what does Nana sound like? JERRY Like a grandmother, why? ELAINE Well... JERRY Oh, you hung up on my Nana?! ELAINE I don't know, maybe. JERRY You told Nana to drop dead?! ELAINE It's possible. JERRY Yes, it is! KRAMER Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ. JERRY Alright. George is still driving, he's all worked up. GEORGE No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees! DANNY TARTABULL Want this last donut? GEORGE No, you can have it. Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. George takes notice. Jerry and Kramer are at PBS. KRAMER Jerry, where are all the tote bags? JERRY I don't know. KRAMER Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have. KRISTIN Jerry, this man wants to see you. JERRY Leo? UNCLE LEO Hello. JERRY Uncle Leo! What are you doing here? UNCLE LEO I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine. JERRY Oh. UNCLE LEO She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV. KRISTIN Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he? JERRY He'll be here any second. KRISTIN You know you guys are both on in five minutes. JERRY Yeah, yeah. KRISTIN Okay. UNCLE LEO Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know. JERRY No, that's ok, I really don't need any money. UNCLE LEO What are you talking about? JERRY Please- UNCLE LEO I want- JERRY It's not necessary. UNCLE LEO Jerry, would you please take it. JERRY I can't, I can't take it. UNCLE LEO I want you to have it! JERRY Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it! UNCLE LEO Jerry, take the money! JERRY I don't want it!! There's a knock at the door. HIGH PITCHED VOICE Jerry, open up. We need to talk. KRAMER Who's that? JERRY You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting on me in the book store. KRAMER Jerry, I'll take care of it. Kramer walks out and sees Dan. DAN Is Jerry in there? KRAMER Well, he can't be disturbed now. DAN Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind. KRAMER I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man. DAN What? KRAMER Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know. DAN No, I don't. KRISTIN Are you Danny Tartabull? DAN No, I'm not. George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and slams the door. GEORGE I'll take care of this, Danny. George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping gas. GEORGE Excuse me. MAN What's the problem? GEORGE I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture. MAN I did? Where? GEORGE Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago. MAN Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull? GEORGE That's right, of the New York Yankees. MAN I'd like to shake his hand but I can't. The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger sticking straight up. Jerry is doing his bit for PBS. JERRY I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the number you see on your screen. Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone and dials. Cut back to Jerry, JERRY This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball- Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings. KRAMER PBS pledge drive. NANA Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry. KRAMER Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen. NANA This is his grandmother. KRAMER Oh, uh, Nana. Hello. NANA Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks. KRAMER As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader. Cut back to Jerry. JERRY -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.' Kramer rises in the background. KRAMER Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line. JERRY My Nana? KRAMER And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars! Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage. UNCLE LEO She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!! Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop. JERRY I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one. ELAINE Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the- JERRY Yes, he is. ELAINE You should show this to Georgie. Yeah. WAITRESS Here's your knife and fork. JERRY Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy. ELAINE I just don't get it. JERRY You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon. ELAINE What is wrong with everybody? JERRY Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it! ELAINE What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!! THE END

THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT

THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe) JERRY So, does he like you? ELAINE What do you think? JERRY You like him? ELAINE Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot. GEORGE What's wrong with him? ELAINE Nothing, and I've looked. GEORGE Well, I'm sure you'll find something. JERRY So, how did you meet him? ELAINE In the office. JERRY So, he's a writer. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Yeah, big surprise. ELAINE So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps. GEORGE What are those? ELAINE Ask your mother, you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this. JERRY So, what did you do? ELAINE I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it. GEORGE Wow, just felt your material? ELAINE Yeah...Jake Jarmel. GEORGE Sounds like a cool guy. JERRY Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on. GEORGE Jerry, where did you get that sweater? JERRY What do you think? I found it at the back of my closet. GEORGE I think that's what the back of closets are for. Elaine looks out the window ELAINE Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. JERRY Hey... ELAINE Hi. GEORGE Who's that? JERRY That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant. GEORGE I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money. ELAINE Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes. Barry comes in JERRY Hey Barry, how you doing? This is my friend George. BARRY Hi George. ELAINE Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood? BARRY Nothing really. sniffs You, eh, you eat here? JERRY Yeah, so how's my money? BARRY Still green. sniffs JERRY What, you got a cold? BARRY No, no. ELAINE Wow, look at that ring. BARRY Oh, you like that? sniffs Say, where's the bathroom? JERRY Bathroom, bathroom is right over there. Barry goes to bathroom JERRY Did you see that? ELAINE See what? GEORGE Yes, I saw that. JERRY What was all that sniffing? ELAINE I don't know. JERRY You don't think...? ELAINE Oh, no! Come on Jerry. GEORGE He was definitely sniffing. JERRY I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy can write checks to himself right out of my account. ELAINE I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs. JERRY Then, what was all that sniffing? ELAINE Maybe it's the cold weather. JERRY Today is not cold. GEORGE All right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me. ELAINE Don't forget to wash your hands before supper. Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle. FRANK Why do you need all that ketchup for? GEORGE This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want. FRANK So, I talked to Phil Casacof today. ESTELLE Phil Casacof? FRANK Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss. GEORGE Next Friday, what time? FRANK 2 o'clock. GEORGE That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers. FRANK You can look for sneakers the next day! ESTELLE He doesn't know anything about bras. GEORGE I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know? FRANK Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look. ESTELLE I am not giving him a bra. FRANK Why not? ESTELLE Because I don't need him looking at my bra. FRANK Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?! GEORGE Do we have to...? FRANK You don't even know what they're made from. GEORGE They are made from lycra-spandex. FRANK Get out of here! Lycra-spandex? ESTELLE I think they are made from lycra-spandex. FRANK Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet? ESTELLE I'm not betting! FRANK Take a look. ESTELLE All right, I'll get a bra. FRANK I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?! GEORGE She doesn't want to get a bra. FRANK I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it. GEORGE All right, it wouldn't kill me. FRANK How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups. GEORGE I-I know about the cups. FRANK You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest. GEORGE I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest. ESTELLE Here, here's the bra. FRANK Let me see it. FRANK Let me see it. ESTELLE I told you. Here, think you know everything? FRANK Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it. GEORGE I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. ESTELLE You got ketchup on it! George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves. - 5A. Jerry and Kramer. KRAMER Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing? JERRY Sniffing, with his nose. KRAMER Jerry, he probably had a cold. JERRY No, I asked him. KRAMER So, what are you saying? JERRY I don't know, you know, what if...? KRAMER Drugs? You think he's on drugs? JERRY I don't know. All I know he was sniffing. KRAMER Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together. JERRY I know. KRAMER And Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you. JERRY Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing. KRAMER Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'? JERRY No, he didn't use 'man'. KRAMER I mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ? JERRY No, but in one point he did use the bathroom. KRAMER Whoh! JERRY Do you think that's a bad sign? KRAMER Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right? JERRY I don't know. This sweater really itches me. You want it? KRAMER Yeah. Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in. ELAINE Hello.... hello, oh... JAKE Well, you notice anything? ELAINE You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. Oh, you are a perfect, you are a perfect man. Jake feels Elaine's coat material. JAKE Ooh... ELAINE Did anyone call? JAKE I got a few messages, I wrote them down. ELAINE Where are they? JAKE Lets see, they are...here they are. ELAINE Thank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called? JAKE She did. ELAINE She did? Oh, that's so great! JAKE Where do you keep the corkscrew? ELAINE In the drawer on the right. Hmm... JAKE What? ELAINE Oh it's nothing. JAKE What is it? ELAINE It's nothing. JAKE Tell me. ELAINE Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point? JAKE What are you talking about? ELAINE See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point. JAKE So? ELAINE So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious. JAKE What's so curious about it? ELAINE Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point. JAKE Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do. ELAINE You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point. JAKE Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller. ELAINE I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby. JAKE Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points. ELAINE Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one! JAKE Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving! 5A. Jerry and Elaine JERRY You're out of your mind you know that. ELAINE What? JERRY It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it. ELAINE Well, I felt a call for one. JERRY A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation. ELAINE I found it very troubling that he didn't use one. JERRY George was right. Didn't take you long. Kramer enters KRAMER Anything new on that guy on drugs? ELAINE He's not on drugs. KRAMER Then why the sniffing? Who walks around sniff, sniff sniffing? ELAINE All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now. JERRY Good idea. VOICE ON THE PHONE Prophet and Goldstein. JERRY Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please. VOICE I'm sorry he's out of town. JERRY Out of town? VOICE Yes, he went to South America. JERRY South America? KRAMER South America? JERRY I'll call back, thank you. He went to South America! KRAMER Yyyeeaaah!! ELAINE So what? JERRY Who goes to South America? ELAINE People go to South America. JERRY Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine. ELAINE So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent? JERRY Yes, I'm impugning a continent. KRAMER Well, I say we're going to take our money right now! Newman enters NEWMAN Hey, hey... JERRY Hello Newman. NEWMAN Hello Jerry. So, any news? KRAMER Yeah, he skipped out and ptruut went to South America! NEWMAN South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with? ELAINE Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay. KRAMER Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry. ELAINE What are you gonna do? You gonna put on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on... JERRY Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out... NEWMAN If we put our three heads together we should come up with something. - Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab KRAMER What's today? NEWMAN It's Thursday. KRAMER Really? Feels like Tuesday. NEWMAN Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel.... KRAMER I feel Tuesday and Wednesday... JERRY All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now. NEWMAN Hey, you know this is kind of fun. KRAMER Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives... JERRY Yeah maybe you should. KRAMER Maybe I will. NEWMAN Yeah, me too. JERRY All right, what are you gonna say to him? KRAMER Just gonna find out if he's interested. NEWMAN Hey, hey maybe I should go with him? JERRY No, you stay in the car. NEWMAN Who made you the leader? JERRY All right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar. KRAMER All right, I'm going in. JERRY Be careful Kramer. NEWMAN I've should've gone in with him. JERRY No, you stay here in the car. I may need you. NEWMAN What you need me in the car for? JERRY I might need you to get me a soda. In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters. KRAMER I'll have a brewsky , Charlie. BARTENDER Name's Mitch. KRAMER Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh? BARRY Yeah. KRAMER Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head KRAMER Cigarette? BARRY No, I never touch them. KRAMER I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time Barry sniffs KRAMER Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh? BARRY I don't think so. KRAMER Me neither. Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth Back in the car with Jerry and Newman. JERRY You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic. NEWMAN I use dental tape. JERRY You should try this. NEWMAN I don't wanna. JERRY Not even once? NEWMAN No. JERRY You're an idiot. NEWMAN Why, because I use dental tape? JERRY Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot. Back in the bar. KRAMER South America? BARRY Yeah, yeah. KRAMER That's importuning(?) continent. BARRY They are expanding their economic base. KRAMER Tell me about it. BARRY Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. KRAMER I'm hip. BARRY Hip to the what? KRAMER To the whole scene. sniff BARRY What scene? KRAMER The bathroom scene. sniff, sniff BARRY Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there. Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth. NEWMAN No, no I don't like it. JERRY What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it? NEWMAN I like the thick tape. Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted. The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph. BARRY Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you? George's job interview. FARKUS So, basically the job here is quite simple. Selling bras. GEORGE Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir. FARKUS Have you ever sold a woman's line before? GEORGE No, but I have very good repute with women, very good, top form. And the first time I laid my I on brassieres I was enthralled. FARKUS Hum. tell me about it. GEORGE Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres. FARKUS That's incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres. GEORGE They are more than an underwear to me Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it? FARKUS Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you'll have a very bright future here at ED Granmont. GEORGE Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed. FARKUS See you monday 9 o'clock. GEORGE If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8. FARKUS Excellent. GEORGE So long, Mr. Farkus. George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material. MS. DE GRANMONT What you're think you're doing? GEORGE Oh, nothing... MS. DE GRANMONT Farkus, get out here! FARKUS Yes, Ms. De Granmont? MS. DE GRANMONT Who is this pervert little weasel? FARKUS This is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. He's supposed to start on monday. MS. DE GRANMONT If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick. FARKUS TO GEORGE Get out! - Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office. ELAINE You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman? LIPPMAN I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely. ELAINE Yes, krhm, yes I did. LIPPMAN And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points. ELAINE Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity. LIPPMAN Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!" ELAINE Right, well... LIPPMAN You put exclamation point after sweatshirt? ELAINE That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly... LIPPMAN I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point? ELAINE Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then prrt nothing comes out... LIPPMAN Get rid of the exclamation points... ELAINE Ok, ok ok ... LIPPMAN I hate exclamation points... ELAINE ...ok I'll just.... -- 5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch. JERRY 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.' KRAMER Exclamation point. ELAINE You still have no proof. KRAMER Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me. JERRY 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'. KRAMER Double exclamation point! NEWMAN Will that take care of ours too? JERRY Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back. NEWMAN Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway. JERRY Yeah, thanks. NEWMAN It'll be my pleasure. Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves. NEWMAN See'ya later. JERRY You know this... Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy KRAMER Hey, Ralph. JERRY Hi Ralph. RALPH What's up fellows? That'll be 14,30. JERRY All right. KRAMER Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry? JERRY Yeah. Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes. KRAMER What's the matter? You've got a cold? RALPH No Kramer, what is this? KRAMER It's a sweater. RALPH What's it made out of? KRAMER I don't know, Jerry gave it to me. JERRY Mohair, I think. RALPH Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair. JERRY You mean you just started sniffing? RALPH Yeah, mohair does it to me every time. Ralph leaves JERRY I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in. KRAMER Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar. ELAINE The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! I told you he wasn't a drug addict. JERRY Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it! KRAMER Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet. Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later JERRY The what?? Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox. NEWMAN After you. WOMAN Thank you. Newman feels the woman's coat material. WOMAN Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny! Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground. Costanza's FRANK What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this? GEORGE So what, what is so bad about that? ESTELLE Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained feeling a person's material? It's insanity! FRANK What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!! At the cafe. Kramer and Elaine. ELAINE You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter. JERRY Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer. ELAINE What is this? JERRY It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer. ELAINE He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven? JERRY Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs! ELAINE What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater. KRAMER All right, What about the money? JERRY What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!! Newman enters and goes to the counter. NEWMAN Pair of bear claws, please. Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt. WOMAN Nice. JERRY Think so? WOMAN Yeah, what is it? JERRY Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong? THE END

THE GYMNAST

THE GYMNAST Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president, by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and this says what about you? "Well, I can't afford to just throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am!" (Jerry's apartment) JERRY I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thing. GEORGE I think she finds my stupidity charming. JERRY As we all do. GEORGE Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after. JERRY Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother? GEORGE Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll love me. JERRY You're good with the mothers. GEORGE Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters. JERRY Maybe you should date the mothers. GEORGE Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'. JERRY Oh, you got something goin'. GEORGE Yeah. KRAMER (enters apartment) Hey. GEORGE Hey! (heads toward bathroom) KRAMER Hey, you got a hammer? JERRY What do you need a hammer for? KRAMER Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em. JERRY Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over. KRAMER No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride? JERRY Nah, I don't think so. KRAMER (shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride? GEORGE (inside bathroom) Nah. KRAMER Oh, COME ON! JERRY Hey, could you wait until the man finishes? KRAMER All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave) JERRY Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast? KRAMER A gymnast! JERRY Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics. KRAMER A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face. JERRY Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing. KRAMER (shuts door) "Bailing"? JERRY Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance. KRAMER Jerry, you should pay that price. JERRY She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu? KRAMER Ch- oo-... what? GEORGE (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast. JERRY (watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this? GEORGE What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on. JERRY (stares at George, incredulous) "Back on"? What was it doing off? GEORGE I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the "office". JERRY (laughing) What for? GEORGE Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances. JERRY Unbuttoned, or all the way off? GEORGE ALL the way, baby! JERRY Of course. KRAMER (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa. JERRY What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out. KRAMER (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah... JERRY (picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off? GEORGE Always. JERRY Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared. (Mr. Pitt's office) MR. PITT Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people. ELAINE What meeting? MR. PITT I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees for Morgan Springs, and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek. ELAINE Oh! (tries to take paper) MR. PITT (pulls away) Are you using a fountain pen? ELAINE Yes? MR. PITT They smear! Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this office. ELAINE All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt. (knock at door) KRAMER Elaine? ELAINE Come in, come in! KRAMER Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh? ELAINE Ah, right there, yeah. KRAMER (rips open package) Yeah, that's... ELAINE Kramer, it's... KRAMER (holds up framed picture): There she blows! (throws paper around) ELAINE Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work to do, okay? KRAMER Oh, these are nice corners, huh? MR. PITT Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) Oh, this is very odd. KRAMER (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers. MR. PITT Yes, I've heard about these. How do they work? KRAMER Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH! MR. PITT I don't see it. KRAMER Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids... MR. PITT I still don't see it. ELAINE Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do. KRAMER Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right at you. MR. PITT A spaceship, where? KRAMER (pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama! ELAINE Kramer, what's wrong? KRAMER Mama! ELAINE Kramer, Kramer, are you okay? KRAMER I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama! MR. PITT (still staring at picture) How long does it usually take? (Lindsay's mother's apartment) (Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently been witty and charming) MRS. ENRIGHT Oh, George, it is so nice to finally meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long. LINDSAY Mother... GEORGE Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family. MRS. ENRIGHT Oh? Are you and your family close? GEORGE (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close. LINDSAY Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator. George, do you mind waiting just one more minute? GEORGE Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's do this again real soon. I had fun, huh? MRS. ENRIGHT Can I offer you anything to eat? GEORGE Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh? MRS. ENRIGHT Oh no, George, you don't have to... GEORGE No, I know I don't have to, I want to. MRS. ENRIGHT George, you are such a gentleman. GEORGE I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right. (Kitchen) (George opens trash bin, sees an �clair at the top with one bite taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is watching, he picks up the �clair and takes a bite just as Mrs. Enright enters the kitchen.) MRS. ENRIGHT (wide-eyed) Oh... GEORGE (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright! (Mr. Pitt's office) ELAINE (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is so cool! MR. PITT Where is it? ELAINE (pointing) Right here. MR. PITT I'm looking there! ELAINE No, no, unfocus. MR. PITT I am unfocused! (phone rings) ELAINE (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting. MR. PITT (still staring at picture) Meeting? ELAINE Yeah, the Poland Creek merger? MR. PITT Why don't you go for me? ELAINE How can I go? MR. PITT Oh, all they're gonna do is read the report. ELAINE Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea. MR. PITT Oh, DAMN this thing! (Jerry's car) JERRY (trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator. KATYA Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating. JERRY He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!" KATYA And you could not refuse. JERRY No, you'd have to be crazy. KATYA He was a very bad dictator. JERRY Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad. (Monk's Diner) JERRY So lemme get this straight: you find yourself in the kitchen. You see an �clair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash." GEORGE No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash! JERRY Was it in the trash? GEORGE Yes. JERRY Then it was trash. GEORGE It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top. JERRY But it was in the cylinder! GEORGE Above the rim. JERRY Adjacent to refuse, is refuse. GEORGE It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on. JERRY Was it eaten? GEORGE One little bite. JERRY Well, that's garbage. GEORGE But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt! JERRY Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum. (Kramer enters, walking awkwardly) JERRY Hey! KRAMER Hey. JERRY What's with you? KRAMER I got a stone. JERRY What stone? KRAMER A kidney stone. JERRY What is that, anyway? KRAMER It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine! JERRY Oh, that's gotta hurt. (Poland Creek office) ARONSON Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including the stock swap. ELAINE Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some stock. (giggles) BECK And if you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in full-scale production by the spring. ELAINE All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's the name of the new company gonna be? BECK Moland Spring. ELAINE (making a face) "Moland"? ARONSON Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland. ELAINE Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't drink anything called "Moland". ARONSON But it was Mr. Pitt's idea. ELAINE Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right? ARONSON (to Beck) We've got to do something about that name. (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance. JERRY Good for you. GEORGE Yes, good for me! JERRY Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out. GEORGE Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist! KRAMER (enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV) JERRY Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference. KRAMER Jerry, what is your problem? JERRY Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings. KRAMER All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra? JERRY No. KRAMER Tantric yoga? JERRY No. KRAMER Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of! JERRY Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it. KRAMER All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback) JERRY All right. GEORGE Did you pass your stone yet? KRAMER Not yet. But the suspense is killing me. JERRY (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her! KRAMER Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes. (Jerry's car, night) JERRY (smiling and excited) Well, here we are. KATYA Yes. We are here. JERRY How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide! KATYA I can balance myself in any position. (Jerry swallows) KATYA It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics. JERRY Oh boy... (Jerry's apartment, morning) JERRY I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a "magical world" of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing gymnastic about it. ELAINE Well, what did you think she was gonna do? JERRY Well, you know. I mean... I dunno. ELAINE No, what? JERRY Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know... ELAINE What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and... JERRY You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics... ELAINE Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What? JERRY Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus. KRAMER You mean like the uneven parallel bars? JERRY See, again, I really don't feel that... ELAINE The balance beam? JERRY Could we stop? ELAINE (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse? JERRY All right. Let's just drop it. (Jerry and Elaine move to couch) JERRY So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night. ELAINE I dunno, at least three weeks. JERRY (sarcastic) Oh, great. ELAINE Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger. JERRY Between Poland and Morgan? ELAINE Yeah. Started a big name controversy. (Kramer shouts from off-screen) JERRY Kramer! The stone! (Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway) JERRY What happened, did you pass the stone? KRAMER (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and I didn't make it. (City street) GEORGE (singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink, makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield) MAN IN CAR Hey! What the hell was that?! GEORGE I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I- MAN IN CAR Clean that up! GEORGE Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine. MRS. ENRIGHT (sees George cleaning car windshield, looks appalled) GEORGE Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright! (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up) JERRY Strike two! GEORGE You think I'm going down? JERRY You're behind in the count. GEORGE I know. KRAMER (enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later? JERRY I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you. KRAMER Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time: people are a little shy, a little reticent. JERRY If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks. KRAMER All right, where you going? JERRY We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out. KRAMER Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon. JERRY Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops! KRAMER No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry. JERRY Yeah, well you're going. KRAMER Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns! (Mr. Pitt's office) MR. PITT (in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't send you over there to complain about the name. ELAINE Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"? MR. PITT I like the name "Moland". I picked it out. After all those months of negotiating! ELAINE Well, I'm so sorry! I- MR. PITT Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been on Jenny for three days, all because of this blasted painting. (phone rings) Elaine? ELAINE Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello? MR. PITT (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Ah! (Circus, backstage) (Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear) KATYA So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus? JERRY "Greatest Show on Earth"! KATYA My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society. JERRY Well, they certainly take up a lot of space. (Katya's friend walks up) KATYA Ah, Misha! MISHA Katya! KATYA Misha, this is Jerry. MISHA Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks in Romanian to Katya) KATYA (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing at Jerry) (Mr. Pitt's office) ELAINE (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt! MR. PITT (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm on to something! ELAINE Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger! MR. PITT You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading. You want DEEP focus! ELAINE (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second. Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at that poster! MR. PITT I see something that could be a spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointy? ELAINE (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! MR. PITT Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens lapels) When's the meeting? ELAINE In about twenty minutes. MR. PITT Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which now resembles an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) Do I have time to change? ELAINE Um, no. MR. PITT Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight over there. ELAINE Uh, Mr. Pitt... MR. PITT Yes? ELAINE Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip) MR. PITT (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) Is that ink? ELAINE No? (Pitt exits) (George's car) GEORGE Well, here we are. LINDSAY Do you want to come in? My mother's having a little party. GEORGE Maybe I could just use the bathroom. LINDSAY Sure. (Circus, back stage) ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb. MISHA It is time. JERRY Well, break a leg. (Misha gives Jerry a dark look) JERRY Eh, show biz... ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha! (Misha exits) JERRY Boy, those capes are really coming back. (Lindsay's mother's apartment) PARTY GUEST (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing. (George enters bathroom) (Circus) (Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food everywhere, enters Men's room) (Misha walks slowly across tightrope) (Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant to flee and Misha to wobble) (Circus, back stage) JERRY What is that sound? KATYA (covering ears) It is horrible! (Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating scream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror) (Lindsay's mother's apartment) (George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes) GEORGE Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew! (George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at him, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual) (Morgan Springs shareholder meeting) (Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing emphatically.) MR. PITT I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations will not deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock will rise HIGH! (raises hand) (Circus, back stage) KATYA He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me. JERRY Oh, why not? KATYA It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in. JERRY Really? KATYA In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. (walks off) (Circus, Men's room) (Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling) THE END

THE MAID

THE MAID Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, David Mandel, Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY George and Jerry sit at their usual booth. JERRY Cup of tea with lemon. GEORGE What happened to your voice? JERRY I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo. GEORGE Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza. JERRY Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk? GEORGE The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up. JERRY You mean like...Liza! GEORGE But I was thinking...T-bone. JERRY But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone? GEORGE There's no G-bone. JERRY There's a g-spot. GEORGE That's a myth. George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin. JERRY T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING ELAINE Why did they hire you for a rodeo? INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum. JERRY They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once. ELAINE Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or-- JERRY Oh, I had that comin' to me. ELAINE You know, Kenny Rogers has a- Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen. ELAINE Why did you get a maid? JERRY You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid. ELAINE Where did you get her? JERRY I hired her from a service! MAID All done. JERRY Thank you. Nice job. MAID Is this mine? JERRY Yeah. The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry. JERRY What? ELAINE Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice? JERRY Notice what? She's not really even a maid. ELAINE Oh. JERRY She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman. ELAINE Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away. JERRY You have a girlfriend? Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge. KRAMER Jerry, where have you been? JERRY At a rodeo. Where's she moving? KRAMER Downtown. ELAINE Downtown New York? KRAMER Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships. JERRY It's like 10 minutes by subway. KRAMER I don't know. Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor. KRAMER Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646. ELAINE What? What is that? JERRY That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646. ELAINE I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night. KRAMER Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax. ELAINE At work? KRAMER No. At your apartment. ELAINE I don't have a fax machine. JERRY Here we go. KRAMER Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox. JERRY And a dead bolt. KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen. ELAINE Then maybe you have a fax machine. KRAMER You just blew my mind. EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING KRUGER Let's order lunch. INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY Everyone is gathered around a large conference table. KRUGER Mary, I will have a chef's salad. MALE WORKER Turkey sandwich. GEORGE T-bone steak. KRUGER For lunch? GEORGE Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me-- WATKINS That sounds good. I'll have one, too. KRUGER Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone? WATKINS I love 'em. KRUGER Well, then we should call you T-bone. GEORGE Uh, no. No, we shouldn't. KRUGER T-bone! ALL T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone. ELAINE Hello? A fax squeal. ELAINE What? She checks her answering machine. MACHINE You have 57 messages. Message one... Fax squeal. She skips to the next message. MACHINE Message two... Fax squeal. She skips to the next message. MACHINE Message three... GEORGE Hey, it's George. Listen, I- She skips to the next message. MACHINE Message four... Fax squeal. ELAINE Kramer! The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally caves and picks it up. EALINE Hello? Another fax squeal. ELAINE Aah! EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY JERRY Well Cindy, the place looks great. She grabs her money off the counter. CINDY Thanks Jerry, gotta run. JERRY Ok, I'll see ya. As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and watches, amused. CINDY Hi, Elaine. Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits. ELAINE All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision. JERRY Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications? ELAINE You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you. JERRY No. I pay her to clean. The rest is-- ELAINE What? A health plan? JERRY I was going to say, "Being a good host." ELAINE Oh-ho-ho. Oh. JERRY But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated. ELAINE So you consider this a relationship? JERRY Yes, I do. ELAINE Oh. Have you been out? JERRY Yes, we have. ELAINE Where did you go? JERRY The store. ELAINE Mm! To get what? JERRY Stuff. ELAINE Cleaning supplies? JERRY And gum. ELAINE Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum. JERRY She's not a maid. She might be a news woman! Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already. Kramer sits down on the couch. ELAINE Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds? KRAMER Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants. ELAINE Which ones? KRAMER Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package. ELAINE So this is never gonna stop? KRAMER Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later? ELAINE You can pick 'em up right now. Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear. KRAMER Ah! EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone. ELAINE I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice? PHONE MAN All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number. ELAINE Ahem. 646? What is this? PHONE MAN That's your new area code. ELAINE I thought 646 was just for new numbers. PHONE MAN This is a new number. ELAINE No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed. PHONE MAN Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic. ELAINE You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known. PHONE MAN I could've killed you, and no one would've known. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING JERRY Kramer, you're still on the phone? INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone. KRAMER Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there? JERRY Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there? KRAMER Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too. Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him. JERRY Madeline stays here. George enters. JERRY Hey, T-bone! GEORGE No. No T-bone. JERRY No T-bone? KRAMER Hey, is that T-bone?! JERRY No! There's no T-bone! KRAMER Well, why no T-bone?! JERRY Why no T-bone? GEORGE 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone! Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone. KRAMER Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone? Kramer opens the door. KRAMER Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah. Kramer leaves. GEORGE Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry? KRAMER He's sleeping with his maid! GEORGE You're sleepin' with the maid? JERRY Yes. GEORGE I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger? JERRY No. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY Elaine and a man are talking. MAN You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number. ELAINE No, I'm not. Here you go. MAN 646? ELAINE It's a new area code. MAN What area? New Jersey? ELAINE No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same. MAN Do I have to dial a one first? Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number. MAN I'm really kinda seein' somebody. ELAINE Yeah? Well, so am I! EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING GEORGE Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins? INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking. WATKINS It's T-bone. GEORGE The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone. WATKINS Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George. GEORGE What? Now, you listen to me! Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door. KRUGER Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language? WATKINS All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying. GEORGE I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies. Watkins and George enter the conference room. GEORGE Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as- KRUGER Koko the monkey. GEORGE What? ALL Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment. MAN Thank you both for being here. EALINE Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz? MAN She passed. ELAINE Oh, I'm so sorry. MAN Thank you. ELAINE A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number? EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING CINDY I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases? JERRY Yeah. It's in your closet. KRAMER No, no, no. I looked. JERRY They're behind my skis and my tennis racket. KRAMER Thanks, buddy. JERRY Where you goin'? KRAMER Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy? JERRY Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it. KRAMER Oh. Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom. CINDY Hi, Kramer. She picks up her money from the counter. CINDY Thanks, Jerry. Bye. She leaves. KRAMER Well, what's the matter? JERRY What did I just pay for? KRAMER Uh-oh. You're a john. EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING JERRY Koko? INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY George and Jerry are sitting at the counter. GEORGE Koko. JERRY Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is. GEORGE Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid? JERRY Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex. GEORGE Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then-- JERRY No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute. GEORGE How much you pay this maid? JERRY 40. GEORGE 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was. JERRY I don't know what this is. Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry. KRAMER Hey, hey, hey. Look at that. Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt. JERRY Ooh. KRAMER Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry. GEORGE I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward. KRAMER Well, now I can't see Jerry. JERRY I look about the same. GEORGE What? JERRY I was talking to him. KRAMER What? JERRY Never mind. KRAMER Come on. What'd he say? GEORGE Never mind. KRAMER Jerry, come on. What'd you say? Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back. JERRY What? KRAMER Come on. Where'd you go? JERRY Go back. KRAMER Eh! Come on. What did you say? JERRY I said, never mind. KRAMER Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh. JERRY I hate the counter. Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry. ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. ELAINE I hate the counter. KRAMER Who's that? ELAINE Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz. JERRY Oh, she didn't mind? ELAINE No. She died. JERRY Hey, that's great. GEORGE What happened to Mrs. Krantz? JERRY Elaine got a new number because she died. KRAMER Newman died? ELAINE What did he say? JERRY Some new kind of pie. GEORGE I'll try a piece. KRAMER All right, who's down there? JERRY Hey, there's a booth. They all get up to move. KRAMER Hey, Elaine. ELAINE Oh, hi. KRAMER Did you hear about Newman? ELAINE What? Kramer whimpers. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters. GEORGE Hey. JERRY So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it? GEORGE Oh, yeah. He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00." JERRY Double zero? GEORGE It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah." CINDY Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco. GEORGE Really? Coco? CINDY Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right. Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom. GEORGE You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos. JERRY Sounds like he runs a real tight ship. GEORGE Say good-bye to Koko. George leaves as Kramer enters. JERRY Good-bye, Koko. KRAMER Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person. JERRY Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you. KRAMER Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you! Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns. CINDY What was that? JERRY I didn't hear anything. CINDY All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something? JERRY Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit. CINDY No. My money. JERRY For what? CINDY For my maid services. You booked me for today. JERRY But you didn't really do any work. CINDY I made the bed. JERRY But you took a nap in it. CINDY So? JERRY I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making. CINDY No. That was the maid. JERRY Well, who took the nap? CINDY The girlfriend. JERRY $40 seems kind of steep for a nap. CINDY So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute? JERRY Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated. CINDY You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid. JERRY So is this a breakup/quitting? CINDY Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again. Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment. JERRY Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired! EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING PHONE MAN Sign here. ELAINE Yes! 212. INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elaine and the phone man. ELAINE Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time? PHONE MAN Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened. The phone man leaves and the phone rings. ELAINE All right! I am back in the game. She picks up the phone. ELAINE Hello? BOY Gammy! ELAINE No. You got the wrong number, kid. BOY Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called? ELAINE Oh...nuts. BOY Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye? ELAINE No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship. JERRY So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5? ELAINE Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2? JERRY Miss. ELAINE He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family. JERRY I wouldn't worry about it. B-6? ELAINE Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine. JERRY Elaine... Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers. INTERCUT JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH JERRY Hello? COMPUTER VOICE You have a collect call from-- KRAMER Hey, buddy, don't say no! JERRY I accept. KRAMER I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over." JERRY Well, what happened? Elaine gets up and leaves. KRAMER I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there. JERRY What's around you? KRAMER I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is? JERRY Is it Famous Ray's? KRAMER No. It's Original Ray's. JERRY Famous Original Ray's? KRAMER It's just Original, Jerry! JERRY Well, what street are you on? KRAMER Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. JERRY Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you! KRAMER Aah! Jerry leaves. EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Jerry finds a man waiting by his car. MAN You Steinfeld? JERRY Yeah. MAN My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place. JERRY Cindy. MAN She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay. JERRY You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do. MAN Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter-- JERRY Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here. MAN You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job? JERRY What? MAN Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her. JERRY I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here. MAN Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes. INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's on the phone. ELAINE Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go. Bobby dials 911. BOBBY 9-1-1. EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on the sidewalk. JERRY Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy. CINDY What do you want? JERRY Here. I got your money. CINDY I don't want any money from you. JERRY Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya. A police cruiser pulls up with lights on. POLICE Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie? JERRY Well, this is all very sophisticated. INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in. FIREMAN All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it! ELAINE Aah! EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls up. It's Maxwell. MAXWELL Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here? KRAMER Uh, no. MAXWELL You know where you're going? KRAMER Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is. MAXWELL Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money? KRAMER Uh, no. MAXWELL You wanna make some? KRAMER Ok. MAXWELL Do you know how to use a mop wringer? KRAMER Yeah, yeah. MAXWELL Why don't you get in the car? Kramer hops in. KRAMER Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats. The two drive off. EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING KRUGER Hey, Koko, Who's this? INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee. GEORGE This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir. KRUGER So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people? GEORGE Yes? KRUGER Ok, good enough for me, Koko. George sits down. KRUGER Ahem. Now, what's your name? COCO My name is Coco. Coco Higgins. GEORGE Coco? KRUGER We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George. GEORGE Well, it was a hell of a ride. KRUGER All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off? COCO When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ-- GEORGE Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy. COCO What did you say about my Gammy? GEORGE Forget Gammy. KRUGER Who's Gammy? GEORGE There's no Gammy. KRUGER Maybe there should be a Gammy. GEORGE Oh, no. KRUGER George. ALL Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! GEORGE Gammy's gettin' upset! THE END

THE BEARD

THE BEARD Written by Carol Leifer (Jerry's apartment) JERRY Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks. ELAINE I know. I need a lesson. JERRY You stink. You know you stink. What is this? ELAINE Oh. My ballet tickets. JERRY Oh. Your ballet tickets. ELAINE Hey, have you ever been to the ballet? JERRY No, but I've seen people on tiptoes. ELAINE You know, I'm going as a beard. JERRY A beard? ELAINE Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay. JERRY Yes. ELAINE So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date. JERRY Why are you doing this? ELAINE Swan Lake, at the Met. Kramer enters. KRAMER Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something. ELAINE Hey, is George still wearing that toupee? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing? KRAMER I think he looks fantastic. ELAINE Oh, come on. KRAMER No, I never realized what an attractive man he is. George enters, wearing a toupee. GEORGE Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me. ELAINE You look ridiculous in that thing. GEORGE Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat? ELAINE Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain. GEORGE Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player. KRAMER You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her. JERRY Well what about me? KRAMER No I think he's got you beat buddy. GEORGE So she's gorgeous. KRAMER Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago. GEORGE Well have you got a picture? KRAMER No. GEORGE Well, I have to see her. KRAMER Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist. GEORGE Really? KRAMER Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you. GEORGE Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it? KRAMER Yeah, yeah. I think he will. JERRY It sounds like an excellent idea. KRAMER Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person. Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street. GEORGE Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it. KRAMER Here you go brother. Some food for you. HOMELESS MAN Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you. KRAMER Now are you going to be here in an hour? HOMELESS MAN Where am I going? (commercial) At the police station. KRAMER Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut? LOU Almond? KRAMER Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier. GEORGE Pouty? I like that. JERRY You can't go wrong with pouty. GEORGE I'm excited about the pouty. LOU All right I think that about does it. KRAMER All right George, come on, take a look. GEORGE Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous. JERRY Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there? LOU Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her? Walking down the street. GEORGE Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman? JERRY Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side. KRAMER Hey, man. Enjoy the food? HOMELESS MAN Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that? KRAMER Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now. HOMELESS MAN I don't think so. KRAMER Woah, woah, that's mine. HOMELESS MAN You gave it to me. KRAMER No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware. HOMELESS MAN You should have said something. KRAMER I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume. At the ballet. ROBERT I've really got to thank you for this. ELAINE Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded. ROBERT Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom. BOSS' WIFE So, um, you and Robert. ELAINE Yes indeed. BOSS I'm surprised. ELAINE Really. Why? BOSS No reason. ELAINE Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is. Robert comes back. ELAINE Oh, hi honey. Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him. At Monk's. ELAINE Oh it was such a great night. JERRY And did they suspect anything? ELAINE No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey. JERRY And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals. ELAINE Oh it was such a great night. Oh. JERRY You said that already. ELAINE Oh I did? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Oh. JERRY Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him? ELAINE He's incredible. JERRY Yeah, but? ELAINE Yeah, I know. JERRY So? ELAINE What? JERRY Not conversion. You're thinking conversion? ELAINE Well it did occur to me. JERRY You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it. ELAINE Why? Is it irrevocable? JERRY Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team. ELAINE We've got a good team. JERRY Yeah, we do. We do have a good team. ELAINE Why can't he play for us? JERRY They're only comfortable with *their* equipment. ELAINE We just got along *so* great. JERRY Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex. ELAINE No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry. JERRY You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters. ELAINE I realize that. JERRY Are you that desperate? ELAINE Yes I am. At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone. JERRY So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye. Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching. JERRY What are you looking for? KRAMER Tupperware. JERRY Sorry. I don't have any tupperware. KRAMER I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware. JERRY What about a plastic bag? KRAMER You must be kidding. JERRY What is the difference? KRAMER The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness. George enters. GEORGE So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night. KRAMER Oh yeah, you talked to her. GEORGE Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you. KRAMER Yeah well we go way back. GEORGE Why didn't anything happen between you two? KRAMER Who's to say it didn't? JERRY So did you describe yourself to her over the phone? GEORGE Yes I did. JERRY What did you say to her? GEORGE What do you think I said? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE I told her the truth. JERRY As you see it? GEORGE Yes, as I see it. JERRY Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there? GEORGE What hat? JERRY You know, you're little hair hat there. GEORGE No. JERRY Don't you think she could tell? KRAMER No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job. JERRY Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away. GEORGE You only think that because you know me. JERRY Have you noticed people staring at your head? GEORGE I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see. JERRY Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it. KRAMER No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him. GEORGE Look, I guarantee she won't know. KRAMER Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou. JERRY Oh, I'll split a cab with you. Walking down the street. KRAMER Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry. Kramer drops something into the man's cup. HOMELESS MAN Hey that's my coffee! At the police station JERRY Hi Sarge. TIERNEY Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks? KRAMER Sure. I will. TIERNEY Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert. In the lineup room. 6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer. OVER THE SPEAKER All of you, turn to the left. Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right. OVER THE SPEAKER The left. Kramer turns left. OVER THE SPEAKER Now turn to the right. Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance. At Monk's. GEORGE (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture. DENISE George? GEORGE Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you. DENISE Likewise. Have you been waiting long? GEORGE No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago. DENISE Good, good. GEORGE Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile. Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still on George. His expression changes to surprise. At the police station. JERRY What's that? TIERNEY A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test. JERRY Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire? TIERNEY If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place. JERRY Really. TIERNEY Have you ever seen the show? JERRY No. TIERNEY You can admit it Jerry. It's okay. JERRY I admit it. I don't watch it. TIERNEY Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly. JERRY The poly? TIERNEY Yeah. I think you've seen it. At Jerry's apartment. ELAINE Melrose Place? JERRY Yes. Melrose Place. ELAINE I just didn't know you watched that. JERRY Well I do. ELAINE I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation. JERRY Well maybe I was a little embarrassed. ELAINE You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane... JERRY And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it. ELAINE Why? Why were you so embarrassed? JERRY The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild. ELAINE That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess? JERRY It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to. ELAINE So what are you going to do? JERRY I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine. ELAINE Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza? JERRY Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me? Elaine takes a drink of something. ELAINE Oh god this tastes terrible. JERRY Did you shake it up? ELAINE No. JERRY You gotta shake it up. ELAINE No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything. Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently. JERRY Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me. ELAINE So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife. JERRY So tonight are you going to make the move? ELAINE Yeah, I think I might. George enters. JERRY Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it? GEORGE That's an interesting question. JERRY How so? GEORGE How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald! ELAINE What do you mean bald? GEORGE What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald. JERRY She's bald? GEORGE She's bald. ELAINE Oh come on. GEORGE Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror. ELAINE Well maybe she got a haircut or something. GEORGE Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine." JERRY Women go bald? ELAINE Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig. Kramer enters. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Hey. GEORGE You fixed me up with a bald woman. Kramer flinches. KRAMER Bald? GEORGE Yeah, that's right. ELAINE Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald. GEORGE So? ELAINE (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald! GEORGE No I'm not. I *was* bald. Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab. GEORGE Elaine. Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window. GEORGE No, no, no Elaine. ELAINE (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it. She tosses the toupee out the window. GEORGE Nooooo. He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head. Outside. The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. He puts it on. At Elaine's apartment. ROBERT Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me? ELAINE Well I figured that's what couples do. ROBERT You almost convinced me we were a couple. ELAINE Well it was easy. Really. ROBERT Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow. ELAINE Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs? ROBERT Upstairs? ELAINE Yeah. Upstairs? ROBERT Elaine... ELAINE I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams? ROBERT Changing teams? ELAINE Have you ever thought about it? ROBERT But I'm a starting shortstop. ELAINE Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*. At Monk's. GEORGE I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure. JERRY Good to have you back. GEORGE And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman. JERRY She's as good as anybody else. GEORGE Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it. JERRY Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again. GEORGE Going to need a little more coffee here. JERRY So George, how do I beat this lie detector? GEORGE I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you. JERRY Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me. GEORGE Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you." JERRY All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this. GEORGE Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it. Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other. ELAINE Hey, I did it. JERRY What? ELAINE I turned him. He defected. JERRY Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that? ELAINE Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom. JERRY Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay". ELAINE Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping. At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into the room. They stand there for a few moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He then tilts his head a few times to the man on his left. Elsewhere at the police station. Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph. LOU What's your name? JERRY Jerry Seinfeld. LOU What is your address? JERRY 129 West 81st street. LOU Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby? JERRY I don't know. Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. LOU Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend? JERRY I don't know. Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney look at each other. LOU Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it? JERRY I don't know. LOU Did Jane sleep with Michael again? JERRY (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad. He picks up his coat and leaves. At Jerry's apartment. JERRY He went back? What do you mean he went back? ELAINE He went back. JERRY I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping. ELAINE Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives. JERRY You can't. That's why they lose very few players. ELAINE Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance. JERRY Well there's always a place for you, on our team. ELAINE Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on? JERRY Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes. ELAINE Okay. George enters. JERRY Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started. ELAINE Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done. GEORGE Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry. ELAINE What is the matter? GEORGE I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy. KRAMER Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you? ELAINE I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk. JERRY All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on. Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV. JERRY Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug. (commercial) At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup. KRAMER Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy. MAN I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup? HOMELESS MAN That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere. MAN Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward. KRAMER Me? THE END

THE DINNER PARTY

THE DINNER PARTY Written by Larry David (Comedy club) We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of the earth. " (Jerry's Apartment) ELAINE Hey, do you believe I got happy new year today? It's February. JERRY I once got Happy new Year in July. ELAINE It's JERRY It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out? ELAINE It's really cold. JERRY Scary cold. ELAINE I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold? (George enters in Gore-Tex jacket) JERRY That. ELAINE Huh, What is that, ha? GEORGE What? JERRY When did you get that? GEORGE This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex? JERRY You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you? ELAINE You can't even turn around in that thing. JERRY Look at this (start hitting George) ELAINE Hey George, can you feel this? (they are hitting his jacket) GEORGE All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go. ELAINE Maybe we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something. GEORGE What for? ELAINE These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something. GEORGE Why? ELAINE Because it's rude, otherwise. GEORGE You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude? ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE So you're telling me instead of being happy to see me they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying? JERRY The fabric of society is very complex George. GEORGE I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi. ELAINE You can't bring Pepsi. GEORGE Why not? ELAINE Because we're adults? GEORGE You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than Pepsi. JERRY I'm telling you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi on the table. GEORGE I just don't like the ideas that every time there is a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it. JERRY You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself. (Kramer enters) KRAMER All right, let's go. Who's driving? JERRY You are. I can't get that thing (George) in my car. (In Kramer's car) JERRY Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give me a squeeze. ELAINE Get off of me. Get off of ME! JERRY You're pretty comfortable up there eh. Bubble boy? GEORGE Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat. ELAINE I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine. GEORGE Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them a couch? Bring them a nice sectional. ELAINE We'll get some cake. Can you stop off at the bakery? GEORGE Why don't you just get some Ring Dings at the liquor store? ELAINE Ring Dings? GEORGE Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you'll ever get at a bakery. KRAMER I like Ring Dings. ELAINE George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi. KRAMER HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! GEORGE It's a funeral procession. . . . And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . . ELAINE Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out. You, whatever your name is... JERRY Jerry. ELAINE Yeah, Jerry, come with me. KRAMER Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes. ELAINE Yeah. KRAMER All right (The Royal Bakery) ELAINE Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries. JERRY Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side (mumble?) It's a wonderful thing isn't it? ELAINE You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile. JERRY I'm looking forward to it. ELAINE Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you. JERRY Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'? ELAINE CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty. JERRY Love that Bobka. ELAINE Yeah, yeah! JERRY So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box. ELAINE Why? JERRY I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string. ELAINE You think it's effeminate? JERRY It's a tad dainty. ELAINE Oh, we forgot to pick a number. JERRY You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people. ELAINE You think I should go ask her for hers? JERRY No, forget it. ELAINE No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me. (Kramer's car) KRAMER Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do? GEORGE Just double park KRAMER No GEORGE Why not? KRAMER I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if somebody wants to get out of here? GEORGE Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give them up. KRAMER It's a fallacy. GEORGE All right, I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car? KRAMER Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car? GEORGE Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold. KRAMER So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heater'll be on. GEORGE Does the heater even work in this car? KRAMER No. GEORGE Hey, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see KRAMER I see. GEORGE You see, ho ho, (Royal Bakery) ELAINE But we were here ahead of you. BARBARA How do I know that? JERRY Well we saw you come in. YYY Well, that's easy for you to say. ELAINE Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries. CLERK 46? ELAINE Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict? BARBARA Yes. ELAINE Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine Benes, you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower. BARBARA I'm on my way over there right now. ELAINE Me too. D You're Jerry right? JERRY David! ELAINE Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't it? BARBARA Yes it is. ELAINE You know we were here ahead of you. BARBARA You're NOT getting my number. JERRY Oh so you still don't believe us. CLERK 47! BARBARA Us. ELAINE Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are. BARBARA Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka. CLERK You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one. (Liquor Store) GEORGE So alright, what are we getting? It's so hot in here! KRAMER What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? GEORGE What's that? KRAMER It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais which is richer and fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars. GEORGE Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they aren't getting no twelve dollar cake. KRAMER All right but I am going to have to pay you back latter I don't have my wallet. GEORGE . . . Why not? KRAMER Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter GEORGE "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? KRAMER I never take it. GEORGE So what do you do? KRAMER Oh, I get by. (Royal Bakery) BARBARA See you later (exits with the Bobka) ELAINE /JERRY: See you later. JERRY That's the last Bobka. They got the last Bobka. ELAINE I know. They're going in first with the last Bobka. JERRY That was our Bobka. ELAINE You can't beat a Bobka. JERRY We should have had that Bobka. ELAINE They're going to be heroes. JERRY What are we going to do now. If we can't get the Bobka the whole thing's useless. ELAINE Well how about a carrot cake? JERRY Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry. ELAINE Black Forrest? JERRY Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh. JERRY How about a Napoleon? ELAINE Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengle. JERRY That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka! ELAINE What's this one? CLERK That's cinnamon Bobka. JERRY Another Bobka? CLERK There's chocolate and there's cinnamon. JERRY Well, we've got to get the cinnamon. ELAINE No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser Bobka. JERRY I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser Bobka - I think not. CLERK 49? ELAINE I'll have the cinnamon Bobka. JERRY ... and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace! (Liquor store) CLECK That will be 13.05 GEORGE All right here you go. CLERK A hundred? I can't change that. GEORGE You can't - oh uh oh All right let's go. KRAMER Wait a second. I can get change. (Out on the street) KRAMER Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? GEORGE Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll get us killed. KRAMER What? GEORGE Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows after us. KRAMER Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change. GEORGE I am not buying something just to get change. KRAMER George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on. KRAMER All rright let's get some gum or something. GEORGE Pack of gum, okay here you go. CLERK What I this a hundred? I can't change a hundred. GEORGE Why not? CLERK You got to buy more than that. KRAMER Here, get a newspaper. GEORGE A newspaper. CLERK That's not enough. KRAMER A Clark Bar. GEORGE Clark Bar. CLERK Keep going. GEORGE There's 22 dollars here. KRAMER George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum. GEORGE I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum. KRAMER That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table. GEORGE Oh, that's nice. KRAMER Hey, did you ever read one of these? GEORGE It's not real. They're all made up. KRAMER Oh, it's real. GEORGE You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar. CLERK 6.75. GEORGE Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now. MAN1 (gibberish Arabic yelling) GEORGE Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex. KRAMER You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war. (Royal Bakery) JERRY Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved. ELAINE Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times. JERRY Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie. ELAINE What is this? JERRY What? ELAINE It's a hair. JERRY Oh, take it back. Let's get another one. ELAINE No, we've already got this. I'll just take it off. JERRY No, really, let's get another one. It will just take a second. ELAINE Excuse me. MAN Hey hey, I'm in line here. ELAINE No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a hair on it. CLERK You have to take a number. ELAINE We waited fifteen minutes for this. Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) are you going to wait here? JERRY Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it. ELAINE It was a little hair. I took it off. JERRY A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? ELAINE What if it's your hair? JERRY What if it's your hair? ELAINE What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head. JERRY Who needs misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof - takes your roots out. ELAINE Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number. JERRY Well, why don't we just forget about the cake? ELAINE No I'm bringing cake! (Liquor store) GEORGE All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT! KRAMER "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true..." (exits to street) " A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive our new neighbor Linda was..." GEORGE Look at this? Somebody double parked and blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. No, no note. Can you believe this? KRAMER "...well of course I noticed it too with those ample breasts and those pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out...." (still on street but much later) GEORGE I really can't comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? KRAMER No, no I can't comprehend it? GEORGE I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're basically still very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys who built the rocket. You see what I'm saying? KRAMER Yeah, he could build the rocket but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in. GEORGE So you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking. KRAMER Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other part he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh? GEORGE Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. If this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot? KRAMER How about Idi Amin? GEORGE Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parking. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY! KRAMER Are those shoes comfortable? GEORGE No not really. KRAMER They look comfortable. GEORGE I know that's why I bought them but they're not comfortable. (Royal Bakery) ELAINE Why couldn't we have just taken the hair off and go? JERRY No, out of the question. ELAINE Why? JERRY Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger. ELAINE What happened? JERRY I'd rather not talk about it. ELAINE You can't tell me? JERRY All right . . . I once had a hair in my Farina and I freaked out. ELAINE You found a hair in your Farina? JERRY Yeah, ELAINE What happened? JERRY I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. I was little but I could run very fast. I just kept running and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site. ELAINE Wow. Who's hair was it? JERRY My mother's. CLERK 68! ELAINE That's us. JERRY Oh, good. ELAINE You sold us a hair with a cake around it. I'd like another one. CLERK (coughing and coughing) JERRY Ah, that's lovely. ELAINE Ah, JERRY Just what you want to see, yeah. . . . You want to trade your hair for some phlegm CLERK Here you are. ELAINE Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where are George and Kramer? (on street outside Liquor Store) (honking) KRAMER HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING! GEORGE We're really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble. KRAMER Why? GEORGE You know, Elaine. KRAMER What about her? GEORGE . . . I'm a little scared of her. KRAMER You're scared of Elaine? GEORGE Yes! KRAMER Why? GEORGE Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late because I bought a Panama hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it. KRAMER Let's go inside the liquor store. It's freezing in here. GEORGE Why didn't you wear a heavier coat? KRAMER Because I wanted to look good for the party. GEORGE Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. We've been waiting twenty minutes for you people? What do you think? You're Mussolini? MAN2 Back off puff ball it's not my car! GEORGE I wasn't talking to you. (Royal Bakery) ELAINE Wait until I get my hands on that George. I'm going to pull that big hood over his little head, tie the string and suffocate him. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing. JERRY Uh, wa? ELAINE What's the matter with you? JERRY Uh, I don't feel so good. ELAINE What's wrong? JERRY My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie. ELAINE The black and white? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE Not getting along? JERRY I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there. ELAINE Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look? JERRY I feel like I'm going to throw up. ELAINE Hey, what about your vomit streak? JERRY I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980. (Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot) ELAINE Oh, oh! MAN3 Sooory. ELAINE Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC!... uh, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) Where're you going? JERRY Fourteen years down the drain. (Liquor Store) GEORGE Do chickens have individual personalities? KRAMER (shivering) I don't care. GEORGE If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk cluck? Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should be eating them. What's the matter with you? CLERK Can I help you guys with anything? GEORGE We bought the wine here before, but now we're blocked in by some car that's double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out. CLERK Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. But my friend here has hypothermia. KRAMER I've got hypothermia. CLERK All right guys, take it outside. (George turns and breaks wine bottles) CLERK You're paying for these. (Royal bakery) ELAINE How was it? JERRY As good as it gets. (Outside Liquor Store) GEORGE You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It was worth a hell of a lot more than that cheap Chardonnay. KRAMER I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I can't stop shaking. GEORGE I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car. GEORGE Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. MAN4 Don't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. CLERK Can I get you anything else? JERRY Oh, no thanks. CLERK How about a nice box of "scram". (George enters) GEORGE Somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He had a British accent though. What, what happened to you? ELAINE Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your .... JERRY Hey, what happened to your coat? And what's the smell, what are you drunk? GEORGE I had to give it to the liquor store guy. JERRY What for? GEORGE I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did you get? ELAINE Cinnamon Bobka. GEORGE Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate? JERRY George! (In the car) (silence) (Apartment #7) ELAINE Here, here's your cake. GEORGE And your wine. ELAINE See ya'. JERRY See ya'. (Comedy club) JERRY I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests." THE END

THE FOUNDATION

THE FOUNDATION Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer The cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front of Susan's tombstone, which reads "Susan Biddle Ross, June 8, 1964 - May 19, 1996.") GEORGE Well... it's a magnificent stone. MR. ROSS They put it up this morning. (pause.) GEORGE It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry? (Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his shoulders at George.) MRS. ROSS George... we'll leave you alone with her. GEORGE What? MRS. ROSS I'm sure there are things you'd like to say. (She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry and George alone with Susan.) GEORGE No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really. (Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.) GEORGE Jerry... (He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then turns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to begin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage of some sort.) JERRY Thank you, no. (She continues drinking.) GEORGE (to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah. Jerry's apartment.) GEORGE Boy, that was awkward! JERRY I don't mind the cemetery. GEORGE What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway? JERRY Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her. GEORGE What is that? JERRY Star Trek II. GEORGE (identifying it) Wrath of Khan! JERRY Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case. GEORGE That was a hell of a thing when Spock died... JERRY Yeah... (For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.) GEORGE Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it. JERRY So it's over? GEORGE I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again. JERRY All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie? GEORGE Yes! Nothing says George like a movie! (Kramer enters as George is leaving.) KRAMER Movie? JERRY Yeah, you in? KRAMER No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class. GEORGE George is going to the movies! (exits) JERRY (to Kramer) So how's your karate class going? KRAMER (pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony. JERRY ...But with punching and kicking. KRAMER Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands). JERRY Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine. KRAMER What, she's been away? JERRY She's been in Mexico for six weeks. KRAMER No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day. JERRY That was July 4th! (Kramer pauses to think.) JERRY Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands). The coffee shop.) ELAINE It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso. JERRY Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog? ELAINE Oh, tons! JERRY Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata? ELAINE (laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you? JERRY No, I don't. ELAINE So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee? JERRY My what? ELAINE Jeannie... your fiancee. JERRY Oh, yeah, that. Well... ELAINE All right. Spill it, Jerome. JERRY There's really not that much to tell. (flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins as Jerry narrates.) "About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a sudden we both just blurted out..." JERRY & JEANNIE (simultaneously) I hate you! (They both chuckle over the coincidence.) JEANNIE See ya. JERRY See ya. (Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.) "It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history." (flashback ends.) JERRY (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse. ELAINE You've never felt remorse. JERRY I know, I feel bad about that... ELAINE I bet your parents were upset, huh? JERRY Eh. ELAINE You haven't told them yet, have you? JERRY No. J. Peterman's office.) DUGAN "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..." J. PETERMAN Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is. DUGAN It's a, uh, washcloth. J. PETERMAN No washcloths! ELAINE Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero. J. PETERMAN (rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist. ELAINE Are you okay, Mr. Peterman? J. PETERMAN Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on. ELAINE Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero. (Peterman walks out, groaning.) ELAINE Mr. Peterman? The street.) GEORGE (inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time. JERRY Pride? GEORGE No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy. JERRY Well, you're your own boss now. GEORGE I wanna go to a tractor pull. JERRY Go ahead. GEORGE I am staying out all night! JERRY Who's stopping you? GEORGE I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple. JERRY Whatever. (Jerry sees someone he knows.) JERRY Oh God. GEORGE What? JERRY It's Dolores. GEORGE Who? JERRY Mulva. (Dolores notices Jerry.) DOLORES Jerry, hi. JERRY Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores? GEORGE Dolores! DOLORES Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged. JERRY Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores. DOLORES Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya. JERRY See ya. GEORGE Bye, Dolores. (Dolores walks away.) GEORGE I thought Mulva hated you. JERRY Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way. GEORGE All the way? JERRY Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me. GEORGE Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year. JERRY You stink worse than I do! GEORGE I'm feeling something else here, Jerry! J. Peterman's office.) SECRETARY Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone. ELAINE (answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling? J. PETERMAN Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer. ELAINE What? Well, who's gonna do it? J. PETERMAN What about you? ELAINE Me? Why me? J. PETERMAN Why, indeed. ELAINE Mr. Peterman, you can't leave. J. PETERMAN I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma. ELAINE Burma? J. PETERMAN You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him) (The phone is not hung up.) ELAINE Mr. Peterman? Jerry's apartment.) JERRY Where? ELAINE Burma. JERRY Isn't it Myanmar now? ELAINE Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge! JERRY No, certainly not. ELAINE I mean, I can't give people orders! JERRY No one's gonna listen to you. ELAINE I am not qualified to run the catalog! JERRY You're not qualified to work at the catalog. (Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.) KRAMER Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong? ELAINE Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog. KRAMER Where? JERRY Myanmar. KRAMER The discount pharmacy? ELAINE Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog. KRAMER Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate... ELAINE Karate? KRAMER Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra. ELAINE Katra? KRAMER Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!" JERRY Sammy Davis had it. KRAMER So I listened to my katra and now (vreep) I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion. ELAINE Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company. KRAMER Sure you have. ELAINE I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that. KRAMER You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here. ELAINE (excitedly) Okay. (Kramer slams the door behind her.) KRAMER That kid is gonna be all right. JERRY No, she's not. (There's a knock at Jerry's door.) JOEY Come on, Kramer! KRAMER Hey there. JOEY Come on. Mom's down in the car. KRAMER Okay, Joey. (Joey exits.) JERRY You guys both have class at the same time? KRAMER No, we're in the same class. JERRY What do you mean you're in the same class? KRAMER He almost beat me. JERRY Kramer, you're fighting children?! KRAMER We're all at the same skill level, Jerry. JERRY He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck! (Car horn honks.) KRAMER I got carpool. (exits) Kramer's carpool.) KRAMER Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z. JOEY Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom? MRS. ZANFINO Mmm, I don't know... (The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.) MRS. ZANFINO All right. KIDS & KRAMER Yay! J. Peterman's office. Elaine has called in all her new employees.) DUGAN *You're* taking the job? ELAINE You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move! (As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power she now holds.) Kramer's karate class.) SENSEI Are you prepared for kumite? KRAMER & JOEY Yes, sensei. SENSEI Fight stance. (Kramer & Joey assume fight stance.) SENSEI Hydjama! Begin! (Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating Joey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer challenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips him over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head; has another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags another along the floor; and chases several at once.) SENSEI (raising Kramer's arm) Winner! (The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.) George's apartment, in a very cluttered state. George is walking around in nothing but boxers, humming to himself while carrying a soda and a block of cheese. There's a knock at his door.) GEORGE It's open! (As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.) GEORGE (surprised) Rosses. MRS. ROSS Hello, George. GEORGE Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs) MR. ROSS We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy. GEORGE Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on) MRS. ROSS We know the last three months have been hard on you. GEORGE Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard. MR. ROSS And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children. GEORGE Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do. MR. ROSS That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory. GEORGE Oh, that's wonderful. Mr. Ross. And, of course, we want you to be an integral part. GEORGE Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral? MR. ROSS You'll be on the board of directors. GEORGE (feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees... MRS. ROSS Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time. GEORGE I can't believe this is happening. MR. ROSS Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear? MRS. ROSS Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows? MR. ROSS Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end. MRS. ROSS So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us? GEORGE (feigning happiness) The second I see him. The coffee shop. Jerry is having lunch when George walks in.) JERRY Hey. GEORGE Hey. How's your day, good? JERRY Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes. GEORGE So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh? JERRY Yeah. Was that a beauty or what? GEORGE What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow? JERRY No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her." GEORGE That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life. JERRY (stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem? GEORGE The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors. JERRY Hey, board of directors. Look at you! GEORGE Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery! JERRY Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise. GEORGE Don't you see? I'm back in. JERRY All because of Wrath of Khan? GEORGE Yes! JERRY Well, it was the best of those movies. (The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly as George screams.) GEORGE KHAN! The foundation. George is staring intently at a painting of Susan as Wyck walks in.) WYCK George. (George doesn't respond.) WYCK George. (taps him on the shoulder) GEORGE (startled) Oh! WYCK I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation. GEORGE Wink. WYCK (correcting him) Wyck. GEORGE Wyck. WYCK Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies. GEORGE Oh. I know they have some monies. WYCK They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding. GEORGE So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we-- WYCK Yes. GEORGE And now? WYCK Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse. GEORGE This townhouse? WYCK This would have been your wedding gift. GEORGE And now? WYCK Not. GEORGE Not. WYCK Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy. GEORGE You know, it really can't. The coffee shop.) MULVA So who broke it off? JERRY Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual. MULVA Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth. JERRY I am. It was the world's first. MULVA You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought *maybe* you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits) JERRY Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva! Jerry's apartment. The phone is ringing as he's getting in.) JERRY (answering) Hello? SECRETARY Please hold for Elaine Benes. JERRY Oh, I don't believe this. ELAINE (picking up) Jerry! JERRY Hey! ELAINE Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog. JERRY How's it look? ELAINE (muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach. JERRY Huh? ELAINE I say, it's a peach. JERRY Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me? ELAINE No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it. JERRY I gotta do some research here. ELAINE Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus. JERRY Oh, I'm the doofus? ELAINE Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus. JERRY You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now. ELAINE Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person. JERRY Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Kramer's karate class. Kramer is beating his opponent, a little girl. Elaine walks in, surprised.) ELAINE Kramer! KRAMER Oh, hey. ELAINE What are you doing? KRAMER Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating. ELAINE You never said you were fighting children. KRAMER Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity. ELAINE This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff? KRAMER No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock. ELAINE Search... for Spock?! KRAMER Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always... ELAINE (pushes him) You doofus! (As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his peers.) The coffee shop. Jerry is conducting some research.) JERRY Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time. WAITRESS #1 More. WAITRESS #2 Less. RUTHIE Same. WILLIE Are we about through here? (Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.) A dark, foggy street. Kramer is walking with Joey.) KRAMER I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley. JOEY She had a little change of plans. (Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush Kramer.) KRAMER What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh? GIRL Now we finish it. (Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids drag him down.) KRAMER Aah! Aah! Mama! Jerry's apartment.) JERRY (on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo. (Elaine enters.) JERRY Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up) (The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.) JERRY So... did you stop by the dojo? ELAINE Yep. JERRY How's your confidence level? ELAINE Shot. JERRY Self-esteem? ELAINE Gone. JERRY Doofus? ELAINE (raises her hand) Yo. JERRY All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be? (Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.) JERRY What is that? ELAINE It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover. JERRY Well, nobody sees the... cover. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER God! JERRY What happened to you? KRAMER Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that? JERRY It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her. KRAMER Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof! ELAINE (pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company! KRAMER Well, then I was way off! ELAINE Well, I'll see ya... (exits) JERRY Vaya con dios. KRAMER (with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later? JERRY No, he's still stuck at the foundation. KRAMER You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower. JERRY Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research) The foundation.) WYCK Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price. GEORGE Would I have had access to that? WYCK Of course, it would have been yours. GEORGE And now? (Wyck turns to face him.) GEORGE (anticipating the answer) Not. (phone rings. George eagerly answers it.) GEORGE Hello? JERRY Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one. GEORGE My story? JERRY Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there? GEORGE Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here? WYCK (chuckling) Oh, no, not even close. GEORGE (remorsefully) I can't go. JERRY What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese! (George hangs up.) WYCK Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value: $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll? (George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.) THE END

THE SOUP

THE SOUP NAZI Written by Spike Feresten GEORGE All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway. JERRY Which one you wanna go to shmoopy? SHEILA You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy. JERRY You're a shmoopy! SHEILA You're a shmoopy! JERRY You're a shmoopy! GEORGE All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater. JERRY Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place? SHEILA No. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie. GEORGE Hey. ELAINE Hey. SHEILA Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hi Sheila. JERRY All right, then. I'll see you later. SHEILA Bye shmoopy. JERRY Bye shmoopy. ELAINE Okay. We ready to go? GEORGE Yes. Please. Please, let's go. ELAINE Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger. JERRY No. We gotta go to the soup place. ELAINE What soup place? GEORGE Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there. JERRY He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned. ELAINE Stunned by soup? JERRY You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle. ELAINE Huh. All right. Come on. JERRY There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi. ELAINE Why? What happens if you don't order right? JERRY He yells and you don't get your soup. ELAINE What? JERRY Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine. GEORGE All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again. JERRY All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right. ELAINE What? JERRY The main thing is to keep the line moving. GEORGE All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive. JERRY Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments. ELAINE Oh, boy, I'm really scared! JERRY Elaine. ELAINE All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire. JERRY Ar-moire. ELAINE How much is this? FURNITURE GUY I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even. ELAINE Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things. JERRY He gave you the nice face discount. ELAINE Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead. JERRY What about the soup? ELAINE I'm getting an armoire, Jerry. JERRY (in French accent) Pardon. GEORGE This line is huge. JERRY It's like this all the time. GEORGE Isn't that that Bania guy? JERRY Oh, no. It is. Just be still. GEORGE Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent. BANIA Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup. JERRY Hard to believe. BANIA This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi. JERRY Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line. BANIA Why not? JERRY Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again. BANIA Okay. Okay. GEORGE Medium turkey chili. JERRY Medium crab bisque. GEORGE I didn't get any bread. JERRY Just forget it. Let it go. GEORGE Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI Bread -- $2 extra. GEORGE $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. SOUP NAZI You want bread? GEORGE Yes, please. SOUP NAZI $3! GEORGE What? SOUP NAZI No soup for you! (snaps fingers) (cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money) ELAINE What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here. SUPER It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule. ELAINE But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face. SUPER Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right? ELAINE Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me. FURNITURE GUY I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway. ELAINE Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away. JERRY Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it? GEORGE You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any? JERRY I gave you a taste. What do you want? GEORGE Why can't we share? JERRY I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you! GEORGE Do you hear yourself? JERRY I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime. GEORGE Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila. SHEILA Hi. Hi shmoopy. JERRY Hi shmoopy. SHEILA No, you're a shmoopy! JERRY You're a shmoopy! GEORGE I'm going. JERRY Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight? GEORGE You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so. JERRY Why? GEORGE I just don't feel like it anymore. JERRY Just like that? GEORGE Just like that. SHEILA Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he? KRAMER Hey. JERRY Hey. KRAMER (taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah. JERRY Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing? KRAMER Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on. JERRY Well, sit on one of your couch cushions. KRAMER Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there! ELAINE Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this. KRAMER Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it. ELAINE Do you need anything? KRAMER Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot. ELAINE Mulligatawny? KRAMER Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era. ELAINE Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi? KRAMER He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are. ELAINE All right. I'll be back. KRAMER Wait a second. You don't even know how to order. ELAINE Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it. KRAMER No. No, Elaine! ELAINE Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup? GEORGE No. I didn't get it. ELAINE Why? What happened? GEORGE I made a mistake. ELAINE (laughing) GEORGE All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you. ELAINE Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup. GEORGE Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? ELAINE Oh, I know! It is awful! GEORGE Why do they have to do that in front of people? ELAINE I don't know. GEORGE What is that with the shmoopy? ELAINE Ohh! GEORGE The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy! ELAINE Ohh! Stop it! I know. GEORGE I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy. ELAINE Ugh! GEORGE And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight. ELAINE You know, we should say something. GEORGE You know, we absolutely should. ELAINE I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff that is? GEORGE I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes. ELAINE Yeah. GEORGE I still haven't figured him out. ELAINE No. Me neither. GEORGE All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode. ELAINE Oh, God! GEORGE Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful. SOUP NAZI You're pushing your luck little man. GEORGE Sorry. Thank you. ELAINE Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop) Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um.... what is that right there? Is that lima bean? SOUP NAZI Yes. ELAINE Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah! SOUP NAZI Very good. Very good. ELAINE Well, I -- SOUP NAZI You know something? ELAINE Hmmm? SOUP NAZI No soup for you! ELAINE What? SOUP NAZI Come back one year! Next! RAY Look at this. BOB It's an antique. RAY It's all hand made and I love the in-lay. BOB Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there. KRAMER Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing? BOB What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this. KRAMER You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine. BOB Look, you wanna get hurt? KRAMER Huh? BOB I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off. RAY Bob. BOB Just pick it up. KRAMER What is this, huh? BOB You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay? ELAINE I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna call the states' attorney office. I really am. GEORGE Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this. ELAINE All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where's my armoire? KRAMER Well, b -- it was stolen. ELAINE Wha--? KRAMER These street toughs, they robbed me. ELAINE Street toughs took my armoire? KRAMER Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me. ELAINE I can't believe this! KRAMER Well, where's the soup? ELAINE Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out. KRAMER Oh...yeah! JERRY What are you gonna get? SHEILA I'll decide at the last minute. JERRY You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila! (Soup Nazi pounding on countertop) JERRY Uh-oh. SOUP NAZI Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line! SHEILA I can kiss anywhere I want to. SOUP NAZI You just cost yourself a soup! SHEILA How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry? JERRY Do I know you? ELAINE So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman? JERRY It was a bisque. ELAINE Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you. JERRY Really? ELAINE Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup. JERRY Have you tastes the soup? ELAINE Yeah. All right. You made the right decision. JERRY See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi. JERRY Hey. KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Oh, thanks. ELAINE There he is. KRAMER Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire. ELAINE Yeah. I know. Me, too. JERRY So, did these thieves want any money? KRAMER No. JERRY They just wanted the armoire? KRAMER Yeah. They were..quite taken with it. (interom buzzes) JERRY Yeah? GEORGE Hup! Hup! JERRY Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? ELAINE No. In what way? JERRY I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something. ELAINE I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody. GEORGE Hello. JERRY Hello. KRAMER Hey. GEORGE Hello. ELAINE Hello. GEORGE Were you just talking about me? What's going on? JERRY Absolutely not. GEORGE Something's going on here. KRAMER All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go get some soup. ELAINE One of these days that guy is gonna get his. GEORGE So, how was the movie? JERRY Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs. GEORGE Oh, yeah? JERRY Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy? GEORGE Happy? Why should I be happy? JERRY I don't know, but you look like you're happy. GEORGE Why should I care? JERRY You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy. GEORGE All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine? (Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment) JERRY Is that so? GEORGE Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting! JERRY Disgusting? GEORGE People who do that should be arrested. JERRY Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her. GEORGE Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know. JERRY What? GEORGE You shook my hand in that coffee shop. JERRY You're still with the pact? GEORGE Mmm-hmm. You reneged. JERRY All I did was shake your hand. GEORGE Ah-ha! KRAMER And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that. SOUP NAZI Ohh! This city. NEWMAN One large jambalaya, please. SOUP NAZI So, continue. KRAMER Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very emotional. NEWMAN Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya! SOUP NAZI All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it. So, take it, it's yours. KRAMER How can I possibly thank you? SOUP NAZI You are the only one who understands me. KRAMER You suffer for your soup. SOUP NAZI Yes. That is right. KRAMER You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup. SOUP NAZI How can I tolerate any less from my customer? CUSTOMER Uh, gazpacho, por favor. SOUP NAZI Por favor? CUSTOMER Um, I'm part Spanish. SOUP NAZI Adios muchacho! KRAMER Git. JERRY It was stupid of me. SHEILA Well, it was very insulting. JERRY No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding. SHEILA Well, behind every joke there's some truth. JERRY What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some coffee." There's no truth to that. SHEILA Well, I guess you're right. JERRY So, am I forgiven, shmoopy? SHEILA Yes, shmoopy. JERRY Aw! SUSAN Hey, Jerry! JERRY Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila. GEORGE Oh, yes. Hello. SHEILA Hello. Won't you join us? GEORGE No, thanks. SUSAN Of course. GEORGE Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh? JERRY Yeah. That's right. You got a problem? GEORGE I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty. JERRY Well, we're changing the rules. GEORGE Ahh. Good for you. SUSAN Aw, what are you getting George? GEORGE I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? (in babying voice) I want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? SUSAN Oh, George, you're so sweet. GEORGE Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie. SUSAN Aww! JERRY What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy? SHEILA Yeah. JERRY Yum yum little tuna fishy? GEORGE Come here. (George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making out in order to keep up) KRAMER And..voila! ELAINE (gasps) KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it! KRAMER Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it? ELAINE The K Man did it! KRAMER Yeah! ELAINE (laughing) How much did you pay for this thing? KRAMER How 'bout zero? ELAINE What? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it? KRAMER I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi. ELAINE Get out! (Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her swinging door) ELAINE The Soup Nazi gave it to you? KRAMER Yeah. ELAINE Why? KRAMER Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He's a wonderful man. ELAINE (gasps) KRAMER Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh.... ELAINE Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful! KRAMER Yeah. Well, he's a dear. GEORGE How much tip do you leave on $8.15? SUSAN You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship. GEORGE Huh? SUSAN (in babying voice) Because you love your little kiki don't you? CUSTOMER How is he today? BANIA I think he's in a good mood. ELAINE Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it. SOUP NAZI You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up! JERRY I'm heading over to Elaine's. KRAMER Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire. JERRY Those two? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Are you sure? KRAMER Yeah. That's them. JERRY Well, let's confront 'em. KRAMER No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop. JERRY There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on. KRAMER No! JERRY Let's go. BOB Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one. RAY Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all. BOB Oh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that. KRAMER Excuse me. RAY Are you talking to me? KRAMER Uh, well, uh, we -- RAY I said, are you talking to me? BOB Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?! KRAMER Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we? (Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away) ELAINE I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that? JERRY I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..." ELAINE Let me see this. (gasps) You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. These are his recipes! JERY So? ELAINE So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city. JERRY Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going? ELAINE What do you care? JERRY Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup. ELAINE Get out of my way, Jerry. JERRY Elaine, let the man make his soup! ELAINE Don't make me hurt you, Jerry. SUSAN Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby bluey? GEORGE Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey. JERRY Well. Well. SUSAN Hi, Jerry. JERRY Hey, Susan, George. SUSAN You know, I really like Sheila a lot. JERRY Oh, really? SUSAN Mmm-hmm. JERRY Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore. SUSAN Oh, no! That's too bad. JERRY Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. SUSAN Mmm-hmm. GEORGE You did? JERRY Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya. GEORGE Yeah. See ya. SOUP NAZI Go on! Leave! Get out! WOMAN But I didn't do anything. SOUP NAZI Next! ELAINE Hello. SOUP NAZI You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time. ELAINE I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery." SOUP NAZI That is my recipe for wild mushroom. ELAINE Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny. SOUP NAZI Mulliga...tawny? ELAINE You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! NEWMAN (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! JERRY What is it? NEWMAN Something's happened with the Soup Nazi! JERRY Wha - wha - what's the matter? NEWMAN Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us! JERRY Well, where are you going? NEWMAN He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot! THE END

THE PITCH

THE PITCH Written by Larry David (At club bar) Jerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter. STU Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC. JERRY Hi. STU Could we speak for a few moments? JERRY Sure. JAY Hi, Jay Crespi. JERRY Hello. GEORGE Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I? JAY That's right. GEORGE I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name. JAY Mm, I'm not- JERRY George- GEORGE (backing off) Huh? All right, fine. STU First of all, that was a terrific show. JERRY Oh thank you very much. STU And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something. JERRY Really? Wow. STU So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it. JERRY I'd be very interested in something like that. STU Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series. They start to exit. JERRY Okay. Great. Thanks. STU It was very nice meeting you. JERY Thank you. JAY Nice meeting you. JERRY Nice meeting you. (George returns) GEORGE What was that all about? JERRY They said they were interested in me. GEORGE For what? JERRY You know, a TV show. GEORGE Your own show? JERRY Yeah, I guess so. GEORGE They want you to do a TV show? JERRY Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas. GEORGE Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics. JERRY Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics? GEORGE Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural. JERRY But gymnastics is not for everybody. GEORGE I know, but he's your son. JERRY So what? GEORGE All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store. JERRY Yeah and...? GEORGE And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives. JERRY What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives? GEORGE Why not? JERRY So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in. GEORGE I know, but antiques are very popular right now. JERRY No they're not, they used to be. GEORGE Oh yeah, like you know. JERRY Oh like you do. (Jerry's Apartment) KRAMER ...And you're the manager of the circus. JERRY A circus? KRAMER Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head. JERRY I don't think so. KRAMER Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks. JERRY I don't think the network will go for it. KRAMER Why not? JERRY Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks. KRAMER Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a "can't miss." NEWMAN Kramer. JERRY Hello Newman. NEWMAN Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector. KRAMER All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits) TOGETHER Yeah, sure. JERRY What's this all about? NEWMAN We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector. JERRY I didn't know you had a motorctcle. NEWMAN Well my girlfriend had one. JERRY You have a girlfriend? NEWMAN I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild. JERRY I never remember you with a girl. NEWMAN Nevertheless, ... JERRY This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him. NEWMAN Don't say anything. JERRY All right. (Kramer enters) JERRY You know you're getting gypped over here. KRAMER Really, Ah, NEWMAN We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege. KRAMER Oh, stop saying 'reneging". NEWMAN Well you're reneging. KRAMER I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging. (they try to exchange items but won't let go) NEWMAN All right give it to me. let go ... KRAMER You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items) JERRY Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots! NEWMAN Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits) JERRY Does that thing work? KRAMER Nah. At Monks. (Jerry and George enter.) JERRY ... I just got a postcard from Elaine? GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks. GEORGE I can't believe she got involved with a shrink. GEORGE So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything? JERRY No, nothing. GEORGE Why don't they have salsa on the table? JERRY What do you need salsa for? GEORGE Salsa is now the number one condiment in America. JERRY You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?" GEORGE You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa." JERRY "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!" GEORGE See, this should be a show. This is the show. JERRY What? GEORGE This. Just talking. JERRY (dismissing) Yeah, right. GEORGE I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. JERRY Just talking? Well what's the show about? GEORGE It's about nothing. JERRY No story? GEORGE No forget the story. JERRY You've got to have a story. GEORGE Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show. JERRY And who is on the show? Who are the characters? GEORGE I could be a character. JERRY You? GEORGE Yeah. You could base a character on me. JERRY So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza? GEORGE Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character." JERRY And who else is on the show? GEORGE Elaine could be a character. Kramer.. JERRY Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show. GEORGE Right. JERRY And it's about nothing? GEORGE Absolutely nothing. JERRY So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing. GEORGE We go into NBC. JERRY "We"? Since when are you a writer? GEORGE (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com. JERRY You want to go with me to NBC? GEORGE Yeah. I think we really go something here. JERRY What do we got? GEORGE An idea. JERRY What idea? GEORGE An idea for the show. JERRY I still don't know what the idea is. GEORGE It's about nothing. JERRY Right. GEORGE Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing. JERRY So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing. GEORGE Exactly. JERRY They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing." GEORGE There you go. (A moment passes) JERRY (Nodding) I think you may have something there. (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer) JERRY So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you. KRAMER (Thinks) No, I don't think so. JERRY What do you mean you don't think so? KRAMER I don't like it. JERRY I don't understand. What don't you like about it? KRAMER I don't like the idea of a character based on me. JERRY Why not? KRAMER well it just doesn't sit well. JERRY You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you. KRAMER That's your problem, buddy. JERRY I don't understand what the big deal is. KRAMER Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition. JERRY Whatever you want. KRAMER I get to play Kramer. JERRY You can't play Kramer. KRAMER I am Kramer. JERRY But you can't act. KRAMER Phew! (Newman enters) JERRY Okay, fine. We'll use Newman. KRAMER Newman? NEWMAN Use me for what? JERRY Nothin' What do you want? NEWMAN Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange? KRAMER Yeah. That's strange. NEWMAN A radar detector, as I understand it, DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren. KRAMER That's queer uh? NEWMAN I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET. KRAMER Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo. NEWMAN You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry? JERRY Buyer beware. NEWMAN Are you going to give me back that helmet or not? KRAMER No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life. NEWMAN No, but there's karma, Kramer. JERRY Karma Kramer? NEWMAN And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits) (Scene ends) ( NBC reception area) (Jerry and George are waiting) JERRY (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter? GEORGE (Nervous) Nothing. JERRY You sure? You look a little pale. GEORGE No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good. JERRY What, are you nervous? GEORGE No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this! JERRY What? GEORGE I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible. JERRY This was your idea! GEORGE What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me. JERRY Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives. GEORGE They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries. JERRY I told you not to come. GEORGE I need some water. I gotta get some water. JERRY They'll give us water in there. GEORGE Really? That's pretty good. (Jerry looks into hallway) JERRY Oh God, it's Joe Devola. GEORGE Who? JERRY This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine. JERRY Oh God he saw me. DEVOLA Hello Jerry. JERRY Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING? DEVOLA You're under no obligation to shake my hand. JERRY Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD. DEVOLA Why shouldn't I look good? JERRY Oh, no reason. You're into karate right? DEVOLA You want to hit me? JERRY What are you doing here? DEVOLA I dreopped a script off. JERRY AH, GOOD FOR YOU. (they stare at each other) JERRY Well, ... DEVOLA You don't have to say anything. JERRY No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night. DEVOLA Why? JERRY Kramer's party. DEVOLA Kramer's ... having ... a ... party? JERRY No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything. DEVOLA Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends. JERRY No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close. (Crazy Joe leaves) JERRY Give my best to Hinckley. GEORGE What was that? JERRY I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ... (before he can dial) RECEPTIONIST They're ready for you. GEORGE Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay? JERRY Relax. Who are they? GEORGE Yeah, they're not better than me. JERRY Course not. GEORGE Who are they? JERRY They're nobody. GEORGE What about me? JERRY What about you? GEORGE Why them? Why not me? JERRY Why not you? GEORGE I'm as good as them. JERRY Better. GEORGE You really think so? JERRY No. (The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, four executives stand up) (Scene ends) ( NBC president's office) (Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George) STU (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny. GEORGE The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu. JERRY Yeah, it's one of my favorites. RUSSELL What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know? GEORGE (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef. JERRY Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name? GEORGE Pepe. JERRY Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales. SUSANEWMAN Oh, he actually cooked on the stage? GEORGE No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it. RUSSELL So, what have you two come up with? JERRY Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself- GEORGE (Interrupting) May I? JERRY Go ahead. GEORGE I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING. RUSSELL Nothing? GEORGE (Smiling) Nothing. RUSSELL (Unimpressed) What does that mean? GEORGE The show is about nothing. JERRY (To George) Well, it's not about nothing. GEORGE (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing. JERRY Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something. (Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters) RECEPTIONIST Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone. RUSSELL I'll call back. (Receptionist leaves) GEORGE (Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L? RUSSELL (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close. GEORGE Is it with a "y"? RUSSELL No. SUSANEWMAN What's the premise? JERRY ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true. GEORGE Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping. RUSSELL You read? You read on the show? JERRY Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading. RUSSELL All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories? GEORGE Oh, no. No stories. RUSSELL No stories? So, what is it? GEORGE (Showing an example) What'd you do today? RUSSELL I got up and came to work. GEORGE There's a show. That's a show. RUSSELL (Confused) How is that a show? JERRY Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work. GEORGE No, no, no. Nothing happens. JERRY Well, something happens. RUSSELL Well, why am I watching it? GEORGE Because it's on TV. RUSSELL (Threatening) Not yet. GEORGE Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right? (A moment passes) JERRY (To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus.. (Monks) JERRY I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. GEORGE . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute. JERRY Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about? GEORGE Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name. JERRY IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE! GEORGE Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting. JERRY Oh, I forgot to call Kramer. GEORGE Wait a minute let me call Susan. JERRY No, no this is more important. GEORGE She might be leaving to work any minute. JERRY No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party. GEORGE No. (they race to the pay phone) (Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing) ELAINE What is it? DR. RESTON I was just thinking about this patient of mine. ELAINE What? DR. RESTON Just wondering if he's taking his medication. ELAINE Well, come on we're on vacation. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer) KRAMER Yeah (to buzzer) GEORGE (OC) It's George. JERRY And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party. KRAMER Whoa, back up a second. JERRY Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him. KRAMER Why would you think I would invite him? JERRY I just a ssumed, ... KRAMER Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication. (George and Susan enter) GEORGE Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C. JERRY Of course. How are you? SUSAN Fine, it's good to see you. GEORGE And this is Kramer. SUSAN Hello. GEORGE All right go ahead Susan, tell him. JERRY Tell me what? SUSAN Well, I, (phone rings) JERRY Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello. TEL Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service. JERRY Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later. TEL Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that. JERRY Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home. TEL No. JERRY Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up) GEORGE Well, go ahead, tell him. JERRY Kramer, are you drinking that milk? KRAMER Yeah. JERRY What's the expiration date on that? KRAMER September third. JERRY The third? GEORGE and SUSAN: The third? KRAMER Um, Uh, ugh, ... SUSAN Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan) (Monk's) GEORGE I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming. JERRY I think SHE saw it coming. GEORGE You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me. JERRY Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead. GEORGE What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on. JERRY Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia. GEORGE Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe. (Kramer enters with helmet) JERRY What happened to you? KRAMER Devola came after me. JERRY What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened? KRAMER Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party." JERRY Boy,that is some kick. KRAMER Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that. JERRY Wow, Newman's helmet. GEORGE Holly. KRAMER I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next. JERRY Me, why? KRAMER He doesn't like you. JERRY What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me. KRAMER Pass the cream. GEORGE Wait a second. (smells it). all right. THE END

THE LIMO

THE LIMO Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals, the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna. George is at the airport. GEORGE It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are? The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the other side. GEORGE Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? MAN There's a clock over there. GEORGE Where? MAN There. GEORGE But you have a watch on. MAN It's right by the escalator. GEORGE Why don't you just look at your watch? MAN I told you, it's right over there. GEORGE Let me see the watch. George grabs the man's wrist. MAN Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?! GEORGE You know we're living in a society! Jerry walks up from the ramp. JERRY George. GEORGE Jerry. Jerry. JERRY Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting? GEORGE I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway. Jerry, Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk. GEORGE One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead. JERRY So you have no car? GEORGE No. JERRY So what good are you? Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says O'BRIEN JERRY I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up. GEORGE How do you know? JERRY He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden. GEORGE We should take his limo. JERRY Yeah, right. GEORGE Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago. JERRY He's definitely in Chicago. GEORGE Well the guy's just standing there. JERRY How would we do it? GEORGE We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien." JERRY Maybe he knows O'Brien? GEORGE No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it. JERRY What if we get caught? GEORGE What's gonna happen? They can't kill us. JERRY Who's gonna be O'Brien? GEORGE I'll be O'Brien. JERRY Who am I? GEORGE You're you. JERRY Just me? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Okay. GEORGE What, you don't want to be you? JERRY Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody? GEORGE Like who? JERRY Dylan Murphy. George mumbles something. JERRY What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy? GEORGE Well I like Dylan. JERRY You could be Colin. GEORGE Colin O'Brien. JERRY I'm Dylan Murphy. GEORGE I'm Colin O'Brien. They walk towards the chauffer. GEORGE Are we really doing this? JERRY Come on, MAN Hey, do you have the time? GEORGE Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien. CHAUFFER Yes sir. GEORGE Sorry we're late. CHAUFFER Here let me take that for you. GEORGE Oh thank you. CHAUFFER I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front. GEORGE Thank you very much. Dylan? JERRY Colin? George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with excitement. GEORGE This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother. JERRY What for? GEORGE I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!! JERRY She happy for you? GEORGE Can he hear us? JERRY No. Why? GEORGE I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously. JERRY He can't hear us. GEORGE Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us. JERRY Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house? GEORGE We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us? CHAUFFER Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes. GEORGE Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight! JERRY What? GEORGE We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan! JERRY We're going to the Knick game! GEORGE Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?! JERRY I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one! GEORGE You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things? JERRY Lemme call Elaine and Kramer. GEORGE If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?' JERRY Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right babydoll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first. CHAUFFER I know. JERRY AND GEORGE He knows? GEORGE Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here? JERRY Maybe it's a shortcut. GEORGE We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic. JERRY (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit? CHAUFFER Pick up the other members of your party. GEORGE Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up. JERRY It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig. GEORGE It was a good jig. JERRY It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien. GEORGE There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo. JERRY First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period. GEORGE Well you should have been O'Brien. JERRY I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy? GEORGE Yes, you have to be Murphy. JERRY It makes no sense now, me being Murphy. GEORGE You're Murphy! JERRY I'm Seinfeld! GEORGE You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car. JERRY We're doing sixty miles an hour! GEORGE So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt. JERRY Who are you, Mannix? GEORGE We're slowing down. Are those the people? JERRY Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping. The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva), get in. WOMAN Mr. O'Brien? JERRY No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping. EVA Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter. JERRY Newsletter? TIM And of course, his great book, "The Game". JERRY Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before? EVA No. JERRY Never seen a picture of him? EVA Never. JERRY Not even on the book jacket? EVA There was no picture on the book jacket. JERRY Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up. GEORGE Hello. I'm O'Brien. Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner. KRAMER Hey! ELAINE Hey! KRAMER What, you took a cab? ELAINE Yeah? So? KRAMER How much do you make? ELAINE I'm not telling you. KRAMER C'mon. ELAINE No! KRAMER I'll tell you how much I make. ELAINE I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball. KRAMER You ever seen Michael Jordan? ELAINE Just in those commercials. KRAMER Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks. ELAINE What's that? KRAMER Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me. ELAINE Huh? KRAMER Yeah. Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a bunch of garbage cans. Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo. JERRY I don't think we're gonna make the tip off. TIM You think someone's been tipped off? GEORGE So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you? EVA Yes I've read it and I've memorized it. GEORGE Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game". EVA Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man. GEORGE Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids. TIM Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game. GEORGE Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect. JERRY He tends to exaggerate. GEORGE Okay, I mean it's serious but-- EVA We are really looking forward to your speech tonight. GEORGE Uh, my speech? EVA Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over? JERRY Well you might as well look it over. Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner. KRAMER So what's going on, how did all this happen? ELAINE Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game. KRAMER Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up. ELAINE He did. KRAMER Well then why would they take a limo from the airport? ELAINE I don't know. KRAMER That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else? ELAINE Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy. KRAMER O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien? Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech. GEORGE ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities. JERRY You're not going to open with that, are you? EVA What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust? GEORGE I said so many things. Suddenly they hear a loud bang. GEORGE They're shooting! They're shooting! TIM Alright, get down! The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look around, Eva has fallen on top of George. Eva. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you. GEORGE That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you. EVA But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything. Tim returns. TIM Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up. Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and starts handling it sensually. JERRY Nice looking Lugar. Jodi Baskerville, reporting live. JODI I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio. Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner. KRAMER Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien? A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of them recognized Elaine. DAN Elaine? ELAINE Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you? DAN Good. ELAINE Um, oh, this is um, Kramer. DAN Oh, Kramer? They shake hands. ELAINE What's going on? DAN Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come. ELAINE Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game. DAN Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door. ELAINE Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you. DAN Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like. KRAMER Who? DAN The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien. Cut back to the limo. Jerry and George are alone inside. JERRY What's taking him so long out there? GEORGE Didja see the way she was looking at me? JERRY She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi! GEORGE I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though. JERRY Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do? GEORGE I don't know. JERRY Let's just make a run for it. GEORGE I can't run, I have a bad hamstring. JERRY How'd that happen? GEORGE I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it. JERRY I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that. GEORGE For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police. George grabs the phone and dials. GEORGE 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens-- Tim re-enters the limo. GEORGE --Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will. TIM We'll be ready in a minute. GEORGE Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something. TIM With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave. GEORGE Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me? TIM You are. GEORGE And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again? TIM You are. GEORGE Good. I think you forgot something. TIM I'm sorry. GEORGE Good. Now get out. Tim leaves. GEORGE Okay, what are we gonna do? JERRY I don't know. GEORGE Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city. JERRY Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city. Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner. KRAMER I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it. ELAINE I'm sure he was just joking around. KRAMER Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes! ELAINE What is it? KRAMER Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union! ELAINE Jerry's a nazi?! KRAMER I can't believe I didn't see it. ELAINE Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi. KRAMER You don't think so. ELAINE No, he's just neat. Cut back to the limo. TIM You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien. GEORGE Me?? George and Jerry laugh nervously. TIM And you really don't look like a Murphy. JERRY I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy. GEORGE He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault. TIM Where are you from? JERRY Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat. TIM Sounds more like Scottish. JERRY We were right on the border. Cut back to the street corner. KRAMER Maybe he's with the company. ELAINE What? KRAMER The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within. ELAINE What about his comedy act? KRAMER That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people. ELAINE What about George? KRAMER What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy! ELAINE I'll bet they were even in on it. KRAMER Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna. ELAINE Kramer, you're hurting me! Quick cut to the now approaching limo. GEORGE Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over. ELAINE Get off of me!! The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out. KRAMER O'Brien. This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at a nearby bus stop. MAN O'Brien? Is that him? MAN #2 Yeah, that's him. MAN #3 Look there's O'Brien! MAN #4 Filthy nazi bastard! ALL FOUR Let's get him!! They begin running full speed towards the gang. GEORGE What do I do?! What do I do?! JERRY Get in the car! Get in the car! George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which speeds off. KRAMER O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy? TIM Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy? JERRY No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed. ELAINE It could be very confusing. The limo phone rings Kramer answers it. KRAMER Yeah? Eva? EVA It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien. KRAMER O'Brien? Well that's weird. EVA Who are you? George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's car broke down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport. Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live. JODI A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene. Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation, none of the three are intelligible at this point. JODI They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance. Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated and less understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva are becoming unnerved. EVA Get out!! ELAINE Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan! DAN Elaine? ELAINE Hey! Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'. GEORGE I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!! (Comedy club) So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices they had like this casual heil, remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah, heil, how are ya, is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished with the copier? Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, heil, nice to see ya, can I have one of those donuts? THE END

THE CADDY

THE CADDY Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Jerry's Apartment) JERRY So why don't you get a locksmith? GEORGE I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up. Just waiting for the membership to kick in. JERRY How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot? GEORGE I don't know, about three days. (Kramer enters with golf clubs) JERRY Y-you're not playin' golf? KRAMER Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring are out. GEORGE Are the courses open? KRAMER No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been going through the caddies entrance. George. Huh, No kidding? KRAMER Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my dream, Jerry. JERRY Really, you're getting that good? KRAMER Oh, I'm the real deal. (Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway) KRAMER Yeah, here, Stan, in here! (Stan enters) KRAMER There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy. GEORGE How ya doin'? JERRY Hi. STAN Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links, Kramer? KRAMER Oh yeah, you betcha. STAN What are those, ah, cotton pants? KRAMER Yeah...Why, is it too cold out? STAN Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater. KRAMER Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan. Alright, we'll see you guys later, huh? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY Yeah, we'll see ya. (Kramer and Stan leave) JERRY AND GEORGE Stan The Caddy. (Commercial) (On the street) SUE ELLEN Elaine? (Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand) SUE ELLEN Hi! ELAINE Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out of control. SUE ELLEN I was thinking that woman looks like Elaine Benes. ELAINE Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up to? SUE ELLEN I've just been hanging out. ELAINE I see. SUE ELLEN Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening, I'd love it if you came by. ELAINE Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can. SUE ELLEN Nooo? ELAINE Yeah, I'm just really, really busy. SUE ELLEN Oh, that's too bad. ELAINE Yeah. SUE ELLEN Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha ha ha. ELAINE Ha ha ha. (Yankee Stadium) WILHELM George!? GEORGE Mr. Wilhelm! WILHELM I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner and I really want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks, you're the man for the job! So, keep it under your hat! (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE Assistant to the General Manager!! You know what means?!? He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm a heartbeat away! JERRY That's a hell of an organization they're running up there. I can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years. GEORGE And, it is all because of that car. You see, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day! JERRY Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made. (Elaine enters) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Hey. GEORGE Hey, how ya doing?!? ELAINE Better, now. JERRY yeah, what happened? ELAINE You know Sue Ellen Mishke? JERRY Sue Ellen Mishke? ELAINE Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last year... JERRY Sounds familiar. ELAINE The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune-- JERRY Oh, yeah, you mentioned her. ELAINE Yes. I ran into her today. This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra. GEORGE Ah, that is disgusting-- JERRY That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no-- GEORGE The woman's a pig, what wrong with her-- JERRY It's wrong, it's rude, and it's-- GEORGE It's disgusting-- ELAINE Alright, there's no--- GEORGE Come on! Come-on. JERRY We're only kidding! ELAINE You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door! JERRY She's your Lex Luthor! ELAINE Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided to get her a little present. JERRY What are you going to get her? ELAINE A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier. JERRY There's nothing subtle about that. GEORGE No, no, she might just think its a gift. JERRY Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift? (The coffee shop) GEORGE Ahhh, Hey-Ho. JERRY What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at work?!? GEORGE Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin! JERRY So, you're just taking off from work? GEORGE They won't know. I got the car there. JERRY Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the verge of this big promotion? GEORGE My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances. (Elaine's office at J Peterman) ELAINE Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send her in. (Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black blazer) SUE ELLEN Hi Elaine. ELAINE Hellllloo. SUE ELLEN I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop in, and thank you for your lovely gift. ELAINE Ohhhhh. You're....welcome. SUE ELLEN Is anything wrong? ELAINE Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra. SUE ELLEN Oh, I know. Thanks again. (The Rosses cabin) GEORGE This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid? SUSAN Wanna check out a swap meet? GEORGE Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that? SUSAN Oh, it was on the windshield of the car when we came out of that rest stop. (George sits up suddenly) (Jerry's apartment, phone ringing) JERRY Yello. GEORGE Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor. JERRY What's goin' on? GEORGE I just remembered, there's this Chinese restaurant out near Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars. JERRY Yeah, so? GEORGE Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car. JERRY You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off your car, where does it end?!? GEORGE Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours each way, 6 hours all together, and take 'em off myself!! JERRY Alright, alright, I'll do it!! (Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment) JERRY Hey, what are ya up to? Kramer. Nothin'. JERRY Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car. KRAMER Sure! JERRY I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I? KRAMER yep. (Yankee Stadium parking lot.) (George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings) JERRY Oh, man, look at this mess! You know what's gonna happen if they see this? What are we gonna do? KRAMER I don't know. JERRY Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah, the keys are locked inside! KRAMER Wait a second.... JERRY What are ya gonna do? KRAMER I'll just snag the lock with this. Here we go... JERRY Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh? (Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash. Kramer is behind the wheel.) KRAMER George has gotta be happy about this. JERRY Yeah, yeah, yeah... JERRY Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra? (Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street) KRAMER Oh, mama. JERRY Kramer!!! (Car crashes into a lamp post) (Commercial) (Jerry's Apartment) ELAINE My God, are you okay? KRAMER I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder. JERRY I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it can make it. ELAINE So how did this happen? JERRY He was starin' at some woman! KRAMER I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing. ELAINE What woman? JERRY There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind. ELAINE Oh...my God. JERRY What? ELAINE Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer? JERRY Yeah! ELAINE Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke! JERRY Sue Ellen Mishke? ELAINE That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on, she's a menace to society. KRAMER You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder if its gonna affect my golf swing. (Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain) (Stan enters) STAN I got your message, how's the shoulder? KRAMER Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it! STAN No, no. Not the left arm! KRAMER What happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour, and all my dreams? ELAINE Oh! I got it! Let's sue her! KRAMER Sue her? ELAINE Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune. KRAMER No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee company. ELAINE Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got! KRAMER What do you think, Stan? STAN Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer? (Kramer smiles) (Jackie Chiles' office) JACKIE So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business? KRAMER Yeah. JACKIE Then what happened? KRAMER The we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top. JACKIE No top? She didn't have a top on? KRAMER No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car. JACKIE Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman? KRAMER Oh, yeah. JACKIE So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions! KRAMER She was flouting. JACKIE That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous! KRAMER It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune. JACKIE Could you repeat that? KRAMER I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune. JACKIE O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding! Have you been to a doctor? KRAMER No. JACKIE Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me. KRAMER So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case? JACKIE Like taking candy from a baby. (The cabin) GEORGE I think I got it. How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya think? That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got a team! Ha ha ha. SUSAN I don't know, George. I'm still worried about this car thing. GEORGE Would ya stop worrying? SUSAN Well, what about the flyers? GEORGE Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing covered. (Yankee Stadium parking lot) (Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car in the space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally he gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he goes) (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) STEINBRENNER Come in! (Wilhelm enters) STEINBRENNER Ah, Wilhelm. WILHELM Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned about George Costanza. STEINBRENNER How 'bout a 'good morning'? WILHELM Yes sir, good morning, good morning, sir. STEINBRENNER Good morning to you, Wilhelm. WILHELM Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is based in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere. Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and, trooper that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir. STEINBRENNER Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want the stadium scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone on alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've gotta find that kid. WILHELM Yes sir, yes sir. STEINBRENNER We must find George, find him, Wilhelm! (The hallway in Jerry's building) (As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue Ellen knocking on Kramer's door) SUE ELLEN Excuse me, do you happen to know the gentleman across the hall? JERRY Yes, yes, I do. SUE ELLEN Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon? JERRY No, I don't. SUE ELLEN Oh... JERRY Is there something I can help you with? SUE ELLEN No, I really just needed to speak with him. JERRY Well, you can wait for him in here if you like. SUE ELLEN Oh, maybe I will. (Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind) SUE ELLEN If you don't mind. JERRY No, no, not at all. SUE ELLEN Thanks. JERRY I'm Jerry Seinfeld. (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) STEINBRENNER What is with these people, all day long. Come in, come in. WILHELM Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've searched everywhere, there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his description, sir. STEINBRENNER Oh my God, do you know what this means, Wilhelm? WILHELM What, sir? STEINBRENNER He's dead! Costanza's dead! WILHELM Well, no, no, you see, I don't think-- STEINBRENNER As quickly as he came here, he's gone. The poor little guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm. WILHELM Yessir? STEINBRENNER Find out where his parents live. WILHELM Parents. STEINBRENNER I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, ah, line up some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager position, we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back to Business Wilhelm! (Jerry's Apartment) (Kramer enters) KRAMER Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie Chiles is right on it! Right on it, he's all over it! JERRY Oh, really? KRAMER Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on? JERRY I don't know, so the woman was walking around in a bra, I mean it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching the road. KRAMER Well, your attitude has certainly changed. JERRY I don't think my attitude has changed. KRAMER Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify. JERRY Well, I don't know if I.... KRAMER Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify! JERRY I don't think I-- KRAMER Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, Jerry! JERRY Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer. KRAMER Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!? JERRY Nothing's happened. KRAMER Goohhhhck. (As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage can) KRAMER Ohhhh, what's this? JERRY Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second,... KRAMER I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she? JERRY Kramer, it is not what you think. KRAMER Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river. JERRY And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans! KRAMER You're just out for sex! JERRY You're just out for money! KRAMER AND JERRY Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! (The Costanza house, Queens) (Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door) STEINBRENNER Mrs. Costanza? ESTELLE Yesss? STEINBRENNER My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some very sad new about your son. (Scene changes to Costanza living room) ESTELLE I can't believe it, he was so young. How could this have happened? STEINBRENNER Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human dynamo. ESTELLE Are you sure you're talking about George? STEINBRENNER You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza? FRANK What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you don't know what the hell you're doin'!! STEINBRENNER Well, Buener was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 'Ken Phelps , Ken Phelps'. (Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on his answering machine) FRANK Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr. Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back! (The phone rings again) JERRY Hello? GEORGE Hey, it's George. JERRY Where have you been?!? GEORGE What? JERRY I just got the most bizarre message from you father, Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead! GEORGE Dead? JERRY Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a little crumpled. GEORGE My car is a little crumpled?!? JERRY Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead! GEORGE Okay, I gotta head back right away, I'll -- I gotta figure something out here. JERRY Well you gotta call your parents. GEORGE I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there! JERRY Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive? GEORGE Nnnooo! They could use the break! (Elaine's office at J Peterman) (Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters) PETERMAN Elaine, do you see this? Do you see what I'm holding is my hands? ELAINE Yeah, it's a bra. PETERMAN I saw a woman in our hallway wearing one of these as a top. What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will cross again some day. ELAINE What is this all about? PETERMAN I wanna market this item as a new direction in women's Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties, driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of the week. (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking) STEINBRENNER Come in, come in. (George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches) GEORGE Mr. Steinbrenner-- STEINBRENNER Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you? GEORGE Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing few days. After the car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on grubs and puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up. STEINBRENNER Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those. GEORGE Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I think I may have found a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up that much. STEINBRENNER Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new Assistant to the General Manager. GEORGE I didn't get the job? STEINBRENNER Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our hands. We had to make a move... (Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches, and takes the bandage off his head) STEINBRENNER But, you still have your old job. Of course, we'll have to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club here. If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work for the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show! (Courtroom) JACKIE So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct? ELAINE Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct. (Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried) JACKIE And you have also brought with you, another bra, exactly like the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in! ELAINE Yes, that's correct. (Kramer is now on the witness stand) JACKIE What was you golf score, the last round you played...before you shoulder was injured? KRAMER Three under par. (Stan nods proudly) JACKIE Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what the professionals shoot, isn't it? KRAMER If they're lucky. (Stan laughs) (Jerry is now on the witness stand) JACKIE Would you tell this jury exactly what you saw on the corner of 83rd Street and Columbus? JERRY I...don't remember. JACKIE Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the bra? JERRY I don't know. Maybe. JACKIE Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath. Now I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing the bra?!? JERRY ....Alright, alright, I saw her! And she was beautiful in that bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free wheeling attitude! JUDGE This court will come to order! JACKIE No further questions, your honor. JUDGE You may step down. JACKIE I think we got this wrapped up. KRAMER Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan? STAN You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup. KRAMER What do you mean? STAN Have her try on the bra, see if it fits. JACKIE No, no, no, no! KRAMER Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man. JACKIE Stan? Who the hell is Stan? KRAMER He's my caddy. JACKIE You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake! KRAMER G- cada- JACKIE Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke...try on the bra. JUDGE This court will come to order! Go ahead Miss Mishke, try it on. (Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems too small) SUE ELLEN Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it on. JACKIE Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin' now, nothin'! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listenin' to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove! (Elaine's office) (Two women enter wearing bras as tops) WOMAN #1 Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch? ELAINE Oh, no, I don't think so. WOMAN #2 Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's a winner. ELAINE Yeah, yeah, thanks. WOMAN #1 Are you sure you don't wanna go? We have reservations. ELAINE Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table. WOMAN #1 Ciao. WOMAN #2 Ba-bye. (Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head) THE END

THE JUNIOR MINT

THE JUNIOR MINT Written by Andy Robin (Comedy club) JERRY You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' "Alright, gimme everything you have, too". GEORGE You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that? JERRY Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened. GEORGE So when're you gonna see her? JERRY Tonight. GEORGE What's her name? JERRY I... don't... know... GEORGE How could you not know her name? JERRY I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish... JERRY Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day... GEORGE Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank. JERRY Yeah, I did that too. GEORGE You remember the, the little bank book, there? JERRY Sure. GEORGE Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque! JERRY Wow! GEORGE Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything... JERRY Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle. GEORGE Really? Who? JERRY Nobody you know... GEORGE Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse... JERRY Why don't you put it in the *bank*? GEORGE The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score! JERRY *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it... GEORGE What's with the gloves? KRAMER Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty... GEORGE What, the whole apartment? KRAMER The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)... Wood. JERRY What, you rented "Home Alone"? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY I thought you saw that already... GEORGE No, I saw "Home Alone II". JERRY Oh, right... But you *hated* it! GEORGE Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here? JERRY What for? JERRY Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something. KRAMER I can't work with these! JERRY What's wrong? KRAMER Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*... JERRY You said "gloves"... KRAMER No, no, these are too thick. KRAMER Oooh, is that "Home Alone"? GEORGE Yeah. The *original*. ELAINE Hey Boys-O! ELAINE Remember Roy, the artist? JERRY Right, the "triangle" guy. ELAINE Exactly, the "triangle" guy. JERRY Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him? ELAINE Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too... JERRY Artsy? ELAINE Fat. JERRY Oh. ELAINE He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him. ELAINE Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into the room with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested. JERRY Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend. ELAINE Well... JERRY Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim. ELAINE What's with him? JERRY Y'know a lot of people have asked that... ELAINE Roy! ROY *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. ELAINE Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so... ROY I've lost some weight... ELAINE A *lot* of weight. ROY I know. ELAINE You look ter*rific*. ROY Thank you. So do you. ELAINE This is... uh... you *really* lost weight. ROY Thank you. JERRY Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. WOMAN Waaaaaaaaa! KRAMER Ah, the mother lode! ELAINE I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you... ROY Yes, I remember. ELAINE Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ROY Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. ROY After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks. ELAINE *Get* *out*! ROY Really, it's the truth. ELAINE Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks... JERRY That's terrible... ELAINE I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you. ROY You did. JERRY You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep... ELAINE Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here? ROY Next Thursday. ELAINE Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin... JERRY Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday? ELAINE No that's the week after. JERRY No, I believe it's next week. ELAINE You're wrong. JERRY No I'm not... ELAINE Shut up... KRAMER Pay dirt! ELAINE Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends. ROY How do you do? KRAMER I do great. DOCTOR Hi Roy. ROY Oh, hey Dr. Siegel. JERRY Hey Doc, check this out. (does an around-the-world) I *just* learned that. DOCTOR I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation. KRAMER Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors? DOCTOR Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night? KRAMER I sure am. DOCTOR Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure. KRAMER But you *will* use... a retractor. DOCTOR We have to... KRAMER Mmm-hmm... DOCTOR Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them? KRAMER I'd love to watch the operation, yeah! JERRY I dunno... KRAMER Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts'll be all over the place... JERRY Yeah, that's true... KRAMER ...They'll saw through bone. (makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest) You'll see what's *inside* bone... JERRY Hey. GEORGE Hi... JERRY What are doing, you crying?? GEORGE No... JERRY You crying from "Home Alone"?? GEORGE The old man got to me. JERRY Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display GEORGE Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? JERRY Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted to get home and start working on his floor. GEORGE How's the guy? JERRY Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. GEORGE That's nerve... JERRY Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. GEORGE Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome". He falls ill; she falls in love. JERRY You mean Florence Nightingale. GEORGE What'd I say? Clara? JERRY Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. GEORGE Clara Barton? What did she do? JERRY I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. GEORGE Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with. JERRY Yeah, I think you would. GEORGE So, you gonna buy his art? JERRY No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars. GEORGE Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name. JERRY I will. GEORGE Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing. JERRY No, it isn't. I can find out. GEORGE Yeah? How? JERRY There are ways. JERRY Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", "Seinsmelled"... WOMAN "Seinsmelled"? JERRY Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name? WOMAN Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are. WOMAN Oh, Jerry... JERRY Oh... *you*... GEORGE Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest... JERRY No. GEORGE Rest... Sest... Hest... JERRY "Hest"? That's not a name. GEORGE What, you should've just asked her. JERRY I know, I should've asked her. GEORGE What're you gonna do now? JERRY I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name. GEORGE Aretha! JERRY No... GEORGE Bovary! JERRY Alright, that's enough. GEORGE Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license... JERRY How am I gonna do that? GEORGE When she goes to the bathroom. KRAMER Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me? JERRY You asked a date to go to the operation? KRAMER Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say? GEORGE What kind of operation is it? KRAMER Spleenectomy. GEORGE Isn't that where they remove the-- KRAMER Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! KRAMER C'mon, what d'you say? GEORGE Mulva! JERRY Mulva? KRAMER C'mon, do you wanna go? JERRY Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go watch them slice this fat bastard up. DOCTOR Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor. JERRY What are you eating? KRAMER Junior Mints. Do you want one? JERRY No... KRAMER I can't see... Psst.... JERRY Where'd you get those? KRAMER The machine. You want one? Here, take one. JERRY I don't want any! KRAMER No, they're good! JERRY I don't want any! KRAMER Just take one. JERRY No! Kramer, stop it! 30) JERRY ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient! GEORGE What do you mean "into the patient"? JERRY Into the patient, *literally*! GEORGE Into the hole? JERRY Yes, the hole! GEORGE Didn't they notice it? JERRY No! GEORGE How could they not notice it?!? JERRY Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint. GEORGE What did they do? JERRY They sealed him up with the mint inside. GEORGE They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him? JERRY Yes! GEORGE I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things. JERRY They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity! KRAMER Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge! JERRY Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint! KRAMER Well, I didn't believe you. JERRY How could you not believe me?!? KRAMER Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*! JERRY That's true. KRAMER It's very refreshing! JERRY Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine... ELAINE Prognosis... negative. JERRY Prognosis *negative*!? ELAINE He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled. J+K Oh, my God... ELAINE Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits. GEORGE It's that bleak? ELAINE Mmm... GEORGE Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something... JERRY We gotta confess. KRAMER Really? JERRY Yes! KRAMER We could be tried for murder... JERRY I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! KRAMER You're not gonna say anything, you got that? JERRY I'm telling and you can't stop me! KRAMER You're *not*!!! GEORGE Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars worth. JERRY Oh yeah, that's the spot... WOMAN What're you so tense about? JERRY Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. (She finds the right spot on his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva. WOMAN What? JERRY Mulva? WOMAN Mulva? JERRY My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse. WOMAN I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back. JERRY Oh, good idea... WOMAN What are you doing? JERRY Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint. WOMAN Oh, I have Junior Mints. JERRY No! (throws her purse back at her) No, I mean, no thank you... KRAMER Any news? JERRY (whispering) No, you better get out of here. No, wait a second... Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name. KRAMER 10-4. WOMAN Oh, hello. KRAMER Hello, I'm Kramer. WOMAN Nice to meet you. KRAMER See you later. (He leaves) WOMAN Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis. JERRY Hey, there's a name you don't forget. WOMAN Oh, hi. GEORGE Hi, I'm George. WOMAN Nice to meet you, George. GEORGE I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"? JERRY No, I haven't heard anything. GEORGE Well, I got my triangles. JERRY Really... GEORGE Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment. JERRY Yeah, I'm sure... JERRY Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened. GEORGE No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that. JERRY Why? GEORGE You could get in trouble. JERRY Look, I gotta try and help the guy. GEORGE Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!? JERRY Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition... GEORGE What? What? JERRY Oh, thats *fantastic*! GEORGE He didn't get better, did he? JERRY Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay! GEORGE Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the drain. ROY You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me. GEORGE Oh, that's great. That's great. KRAMER Y'know, art is a great investment. ELAINE It's gonna look great in your apartment, George. GEORGE Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. Well, I'll wait for you outside. ROY Hey, George... (kiss) DOCTOR Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here. JERRY What do you mean? DOCTOR I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above... KRAMER Mint? DOCTOR Those can be very refreshing. ROY So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? ELAINE I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)) JERRY I don't think so... ELAINE We are... JERRY I believe we're not... ELAINE (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Please can we go to the Poconos? JERRY Well, I'll think about it... WOMAN Great seats. You could see the actors spitting. JERRY Really... WOMAN And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill. JERRY Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph? WOMAN Yeah. JERRY Do you have it with you? WOMAN Yeah, it's in my purse. JERRY Let me see. WOMAN Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. WOMAN Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... (reads autograph) ...Joseph Puglia... WOMAN I had it autographed for my uncle. JERRY Yeah, I know... WOMAN You don't know my name, do you? JERRY Yes I do. WOMAN What is it? JERRY It, uh, rhymes with a female body part. WOMAN What is it? JERRY Mulva... JERRY Gipple? JERRY Loleola? JERRY Oh! Oh! *Delores*! 15) JERRY Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you love. "I love those... I hate those...". "I hate those... I love those...". And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really". THE END

THE BABY SHOWER

THE BABY SHOWER Written by Larry Charles (Night club) JERRY Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed." (Scene ends) (Coffee shop) GEORGE (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice. JERRY She's the performance artist, right? GEORGE (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper. JERRY What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip? ELAINE Todd. JERRY Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy. ELAINE No, he's not. JERRY C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something. ELAINE By marriage. JERRY Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions. GEORGE That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life. ELAINE Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman. GEORGE What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women? JERRY Thin ice, George. Thin ice.. GEORGE (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage. ELAINE She stopped performing. GEORGE (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture. JERRY (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini. GEORGE She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances". JERRY Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity? GEORGE God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt. ELAINE It was an accident! GEORGE Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?" JERRY (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot. GEORGE And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt. JERRY What ever happened with the shirt? GEORGE I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters. ELAINE I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower. JERRY Asked you? You're not going to do that are you? ELAINE anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval. GEORGE Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower. JERRY Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me. GEORGE (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker. ELAINE Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring.. GEORGE She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby! ELAINE (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though. GEORGE Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing. ELAINE See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment.. JERRY But? ELAINE My roommate has Lyme disease. JERRY Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome? ELAINE She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease. JERRY How did she get Lyme disease? ELAINE I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut. JERRY They still do that play? ELAINE It's a classic. JERRY With all the nudity? ELAINE I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in. GEORGE (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye! JERRY Explain to me how this baby shower thing works. ELAINE What do you wanna know? JERRY Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence? ELAINE Rarely. JERRY There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there? ELAINE No. JERRY When is this suppose to be? ELAINE Saturday. JERRY Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they? ELAINE I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it. JERRY 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table. GEORGE Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do. JERRY And if you do? GEORGE I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder) KRAMER What are you doing this for? Look at you.. JERRY Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture. KRAMER But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house. JERRY (Pleading) Leave me alone. KRAMER It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?! JERRY I'm not getting illegal cable! KRAMER Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years. JERRY No, I read in the paper.. KRAMER (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper.. JERRY Well, they might hook us up again. KRAMER Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life! JERRY Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception. KRAMER Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?! JERRY What you're suggesting is illegal. KRAMER It's not illegal. JERRY It's against the law. KRAMER Well, yeah. JERRY (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that? KRAMER (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway. JERRY A real human rights nut, huh? KRAMER Yeah. He's intense, man. JERRY I don't know. What if I get caught? KRAMER Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him. (Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles, shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks confused) JERRY You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow. TABACHNICK Tomarrow okay. KRAMER No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back. JERRY (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.. KRAMER No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.. JERRY (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in. KRAMER You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy.. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting for him) MAN Mr. Steinfeld? JERRY Seinfeld. MAN We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up? JERRY My cable hook-up? What about it? MAN It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld. JERRY It has? I've been out of town. How did you know? (An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room) KRAMER Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning. MAN You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld. JERRY Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want. (Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other FBI men, and speaks without an accent now) TABACHNICK Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover. (Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the door) KRAMER No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?.. (Scene ends) (Airplane) (Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches) JERRY Excuse me. Can I get something to drink? STEWARDESS I'm afraid not. JERRY What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now? STEWARDESS No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing. JERRY (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again? (The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand) BILL My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see. (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here." (Scene ends) (George's car) (George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun) GEORGE Sounds like a rough trip. JERRY Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed. GEORGE So, the college cancelled the gig? JERRY Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again. GEORGE (Modestly) Forget it. JERRY No, really.. an airport run. GEORGE It's nothing. JERRY Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend. JERRY (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive. GEORGE (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive. JERRY Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower. GEORGE (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now? JERRY Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place. GEORGE My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place. JERRY You want to get a bite? GEORGE Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast. JERRY Well, so what should we do? GEORGE Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag? (Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down) JERRY Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt! GEORGE (Nervous) What are you talking about? JERRY You're wearing the chocolate shirt! GEORGE I am? What a strange coincidence.. JERRY A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.. GEORGE (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there. JERRY What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda? GEORGE No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!" (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine) LESLIE We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there. ELAINE So, where's Todd? LESLIE Up in Hyannisport. ELAINE Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?! WOMAN (To Leslie) So, when's your due date? LESLIE March twentieth, nine a.m. WOMAN You know the time! LESLIE I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic. ELAINE Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop? LESLIE (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears? (Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. The woman freeze at the sight, then disperse nervously) ELAINE (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here? KRAMER We're putting in cable. ELAINE The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now! KRAMER Oh, we have to do this now. (Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women) ELAINE Who's this guy? KRAMER Which one? ELAINE Both of the them. KRAMER Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys. ELAINE Okay.. Does Jerry know about this? KRAMER Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah. ELAINE You can't! You can't do this now! KRAMER Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that. ELAINE Alright. Just do it fast and then get out. KRAMER (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime. (Scene ends) (George's car) JERRY And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her? GEORGE (Boiling) What am I going to say?! JERRY Yeah. GEORGE What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you! JERRY You'll never say that to her face. GEORGE Watch me. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) KRAMER (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything. ELAINE (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food! KRAMER Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple? (Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting) ELAINE Kramer! KRAMER (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me.. (Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick bangs on the door, and shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine runs up to greet them) ELAINE What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend. JERRY The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard. ELAINE I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything. (Leslie approaches them) LESLIE Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town. JERRY Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. ELAINE (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it! GEORGE (Unconvincingly coy) About what? TABACHNICK (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer.. (Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie - he takes off his sweater, revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie) GEORGE Leslie. LESLIE Yeah? GEORGE George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza. LESLIE Hi. GEORGE (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember? LESLIE Vaguely. GEORGE You took me to one of your shows.. LESLIE And? GEORGE And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent.. (Scene cuts to Jerry) MARY Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me? JERRY I'm sorry, I.. MARY (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows. JERRY (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember.. MARY Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day. JERRY Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your.. MARY Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?! JERRY No, I don't think that.. MARRY Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust! (She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death) GEORGE Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something.. (Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate cake is now all over George's shirt) LESLIE Thanks a lot! (Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door) ELAINE I'm sorry you have to go. WOMAN Yeah. I really have to be going. (Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys) JERRY Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable. KRAMER Don't be a fool. TABACHNICK You don't want? JERRY No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble.. TABACHNICK (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars. JERRY (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty! (Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave) LESLIE I'm going.. obviously. ELAINE Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea.. LESLIE Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college. ELAINE (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"? LESLIE (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go! (George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed) GEORGE (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves) JERRY (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?! (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on chairs) GEORGE Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony? ELAINE Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop. JERRY Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally? KRAMER (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves) (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now." THE END

THE CHECKS

THE CHECKS Written by Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Street) Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple of carrier bags she's fussing with the contents of. JERRY Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB. ELAINE Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach. JERRY Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick? Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street. ELAINE What is this, a 'bit'? JERRY No. ELAINE 'Cos I'm not in the mood. JERRY We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one! ELAINE Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit. JERRY They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well. ELAINE (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement? JERRY (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing? ELAINE It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder. JERRY (thinking) Great. Thanks. (Some Fancy Place) The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, chatting and drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the room, carrying drinks. ELAINE So, your firm designed all the furniture in here? BRETT We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman. Elaine and Brett sit on a couch ELAINE (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman. BRETT You know Farbman? ELAINE Mm, love Farbman. BRETT Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman. ELAINE Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha. Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears the music and is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to everything but the song. ELAINE Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes? Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to stare off into the distance. ELAINE Brett? Don't you think that would be great? Brett still doesn't react. ELAINE Brett? BRETT (still staring off) After the song, babe. ELAINE Huh? BRETT The song. Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by his sensitivity. (Street) Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant and walk along the street. JERRY So when do I meet this jerk? ELAINE He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman. JERRY Who? ELAINE (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song. JERRY What song? ELAINE Desperado. JERRY Desperado? ELAINE Uh huh. JERRY And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado. Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, twirling a brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder. JERRY (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. ELAINE Uh huh. JERRY I invented that. ELAINE That, had to be invented? JERRY When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers. Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced. ELAINE (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it? Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy. JERRY Elaine. ELAINE Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing. JERRY Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson. CLICKY Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl. ELAINE (looking at Jerry) Ohh. JERRY I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth. CLICKY Yeah, that's where he come up with it. JERRY In his dreams. ELAINE Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go? Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows. JERRY (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits in a chair with a magazine. JERRY It's the twirling that dazzles the eye. GEORGE (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans. JERRY (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people. Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the kitchen. The door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope. KRAMER Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching. JERRY (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em. GEORGE What checks? KRAMER Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan. JERRY I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show. KRAMER Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour. JERRY (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks. GEORGE Look at all of those! You're rich! JERRY Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em. Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. He reaches under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally opens it. He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen. KRAMER Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture? JERRY Why? KRAMER (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman. George wanders over. GEORGE He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy? JERRY Ah, who are any of her losers? GEORGE (dryly) You're on that list. George goes and gets his coat. GEORGE Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars. KRAMER Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners? EGO Yeah, you heard of 'em? KRAMER They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment. GEORGE So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather. JERRY I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning. (Street) Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, as if it's giving him discomfort. JERRY Signed over a hundred checks this morning. KRAMER Hello, twelve dollars. Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One of them steps forward, holding out a camera. MR OH Excuse me. Would you take picture please? KRAMER (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure. Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another umbrella salesman, twirling his wares. JERRY I'm gonna ask this guy something. Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture of the three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them all, and stumbles off the curb. JERRY (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you? Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks over toward Jerry, and thinks for a second. KRAMER (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan. MR YAMAGUCHI Hai. MR OH Yes. KRAMER (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug? Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the twirl to the guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and arm waving. KRAMER That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour. MR OH Ahh, Super Terrific Happy... The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese. KRAMER Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him. Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still talking vigorously to the umbrella guy. MR OH What is he doing? KRAMER Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure. MR OH He's funny. KRAMER Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics. Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed guy watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in. KRAMER Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America. Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry. (George's Apartment) Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living room. Two of them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, The third, the leader, has a notebook. CREW LEADER (calling to George) We're pretty much finished. George enters from another room. CREW LEADER There's just one more thing. GEORGE (smiling expectantly) Here it comes. The leader opens his book and holds up a check. CREW LEADER (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check. The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his signature. GEORGE (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else? CREW LEADER (flat) No. The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader toward the door, looking disappointed. GEORGE (let down) So, that's it? CREW LEADER Unless you need a receipt. GEORGE (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere. CREW LEADER (flat) Good luck with that. The leader closes the door on a perplexed George. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his pen awkwardly in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and notices his hand. JERRY Hey. ELAINE What's with the claw? JERRY Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome. Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters. BRETT (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer. ELAINE Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry. JERRY Hi. Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the position of the fingers in his wave back. BRETT That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian. JERRY Ah, I'm one kind. Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge. ELAINE Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer? JERRY The Fleckman. BRETT Farbman. JERRY Right. ELAINE You gotta see 'em. Beautiful. JERRY (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are. BRETT I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at. JERRY No. I'm fine, thank you. BRETT Don't worry. It's no charge to you. Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk. BRETT Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits. JERRY (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits. BRETT (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue. ELAINE Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine. BRETT (quiet) Oops. Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed. BRETT Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should get going. Brett opens the door. ELAINE Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us? JERRY Oh, where you going? The coffee shop? BRETT (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant. JERRY You look like you could use a... ELAINE (warning) Jerry. (Saks) Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer picks up a Stetson and reads the price tag. KRAMER (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo? Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look. MR OH (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen. KRAMER (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free. Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head. KRAMER Giddyup. You're a cowboy now. Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese. (Brett's Car) Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari. BRETT I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he? ELAINE Why? Why d'you think he's upset? BRETT How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like. ELAINE (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we? BRETT (smiling) I hope not. Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, the Eagles' Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the kiss, and stares off into the distance again. ELAINE (surprised) Brett? Everything alright? Brett makes no response. ELAINE (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside? BRETT Elaine, the song. ELAINE (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender... BRETT Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute? ELAINE (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry. Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett. (Monk's) Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee. JERRY No spiel? GEORGE (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult! JERRY So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you? GEORGE They could've at least tried! JERRY You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed? GEORGE Please. JERRY Too dumb? George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new suit. He strolls over to the booth. JERRY (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds. KRAMER Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room. JERRY Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around. KRAMER Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm? Jerry looks puzzled. KRAMER That's right. GEORGE How'd you hook up with these guys? KRAMER Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you. JERRY What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan? KRAMER (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did. GEORGE (excited) Yeah, the pilot! KRAMER That's right, I think that had marvellous production values. GEORGE (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York! JERRY Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed. GEORGE (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates! Jerry looks doubtful. KRAMER George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there. Jerry looks at George, wondering. (Japanese TV Office) Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, one male, one female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry made at the end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George is smiling and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large bowl containing a plastic bag of oranges. TV JERRY You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?! TV ELAINE Well, why do I need your permission? TV JERRY Because he's my butler. The first executive stops the tape. GEORGE (eager) So? What d'you think? EXECUTIVE 1 We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler? GEORGE Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler. EXECUTIVE 1 Is this customary in your legal system? JERRY No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation. EXECUTIVE 1 (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you following any of this? EXECUTIVE 2 (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still trying to figure out why they gave us a bag of oranges. EXECUTIVE 1 (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan. GEORGE Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges. Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers are still twisted from the check signing. EXECUTIVE 1 (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with the oranges There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops it. JERRY (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb. GEORGE (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs) EXECUTIVE 1 You must go now. Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder and they ruefully begin to depart. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped in his clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table. ELAINE Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado. JERRY (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station? ELAINE He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences. JERRY You know, what you need is a song you can share. ELAINE Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song. JERRY Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about? Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something occurs. ELAINE (points) I like Witchy Woman. JERRY Witchy Woman? ELAINE You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'. JERRY (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman. The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying another fat envelope. KRAMER (to Jerry) Hey, man. ELAINE Hey. Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine walks to the kitchen. JERRY Hey. How was the Rainbow Room? KRAMER Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill. JERRY Ah. KRAMER Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows? JERRY What for? Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom. KRAMER Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me. JERRY I thought they all had suites at the Plaza? Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows. KRAMER Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do. JERRY Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear? KRAMER Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen. Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box. ELAINE Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars? KRAMER Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them. ELAINE In them?! JERRY You have them sleeping in drawers?! KRAMER Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home. JERRY This has 'international incident' written all over it. KRAMER (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah. (Kramer's Apartment) Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest of three drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a foot and a half deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer. KRAMER Goodnight, Mr Tanaka. One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer. MR TANAKA Goodnight. Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. He then speaks to the occupant of the next drawer. KRAMER Goodnight, Mr Oh. MR OH (sits up) Goodnight. Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and speaks to the final drawer's occupant. KRAMER Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi. MR YAMAGUCHI (sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight. Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches off the lamp and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, and a box of Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into an envelope. JERRY What is this? KRAMER Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry. JERRY Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank. KRAMER (opening the fridge) Sayonara. JERRY (leaving) Konichi-wa. Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast. (Brett's Car) Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing on the stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head nodding. Brett looks puzzled. BRETT Elaine, I... ELAINE Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think? Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches off the music. ELAINE What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song. BRETT Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song. ELAINE Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it. BRETT (flat) No. It's mine. There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers out at the weather. (Kramer's Apartment) The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi sits up in the bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his feet in his drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to the pair of them. KRAMER Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop. Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer. KRAMER (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer. MR OH Ach, come back in half hour. Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on top of the chest and walks off mumbling irritably. (Street) It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing just a light jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. Jerry spots the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares. JERRY (calls) Hey, I'll take one. CLICKY Well, look who's back! Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other way. CLICKY Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl. TEDDY (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld! JERRY Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini. TEDDY (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago. JERRY Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee? TEDDY (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of eighty-four? I almost lost my house. A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros. Clicky tries to catch his attention. CLICKY Umbrella, buddy? The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the street. CLICKY Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with. TEDDY (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl. JERRY Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares? TEDDY (intense) I care. Clicky cares. JERRY So, could I... Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption. JERRY Could I just buy an umbrella? TEDDY (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars. JERRY (shock) What?! TEDDY (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend. The rain continues to pour down unabated. (George's Office, Yankee Stadium) George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed by the three Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing down. KRAMER Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases. GEORGE (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field. KRAMER (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen. George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his hands. GEORGE Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show. KRAMER (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld? The Japanese nod to each other. MR OH But, we are also very hungry. KRAMER Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food. Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves the office and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention. KRAMER (shouts) Hey, peanuts! As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door. WILHELM George. (waves George over) George. George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm. WILHELM (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners? GEORGE Are they here? WILHELM They're in my office, right now. GEORGE (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they? WILHELM About what? GEORGE (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?! (Street) Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, and by now he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with Jerry, and the window winds down. BRETT (calls over) Hey Jerry! Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises Brett. JERRY Oh, hi Brett. BRETT Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella? JERRY Ah, I didn't have enough money. BRETT I'm sure things'll pick up for you. JERRY No, it's not that, it's the... Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The rain has soaked them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and become illegible. JERRY Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined! Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip. BRETT Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents? JERRY No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing. BRETT Nothing's working for you, is is? JERRY (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett. BRETT I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here. Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades. JERRY (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping! Jerry walks away (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the apartment, and more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel. ELAINE Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman. JERRY Boogeyman. ELAINE Boogey? JERRY I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song? ELAINE No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va? JERRY (negative) Eehh. ELAINE (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer! Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops onto the couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood. JERRY Hey. GEORGE (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it! JERRY Really? They bought the butler character? GEORGE (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC. JERRY NBC? GEORGE (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation. Elaine looks heavenwards. JERRY Ah. But they told us we must go now. GEORGE But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer. George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave. JERRY Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it! George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry starts to close the door, but George turns back. GEORGE Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura? JERRY Who? GEORGE The network executive. You think she liked me? Jerry swings the door closed in George's face. (Hallway) George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there is no immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting and laughter. He opens the door and goes in. (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped to the waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot George as he enters and shout greetings. KRAMER Heyy! Look who's here. The Japanese whoop and wave at George. KRAMER (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here. All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in the tub with them. MR OH Come on in, fat boy! George waves away their appeals with a smile. GEORGE Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow! Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who leaves. Then they go back to knocking back sake. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out. JERRY (to himself) Last one. Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like hand. It's clearly painful. JERRY (agonised) Uugh! Ahh. (Street) George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's waiting for someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's ear. KRAMER There you are. George jumps, surprised by Kramer. GEORGE Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys? KRAMER Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in. Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline tickets. KRAMER I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money. GEORGE (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes! KRAMER No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub. A panicky George rushes toward a payphone. GEORGE (frantic) I'm calling Jerry. (Street/Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone rings and he picks up (with his right). JERRY Yeah? GEORGE (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV! JERRY (kidding) Uncle Leo? GEORGE (scream) Jerry!! George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone away from his ear at the noise. JERRY Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up. Jerry hangs up the phone. JERRY (to himself) Hmm, testy. (Kramer's Apartment) The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers are shut, and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for help. Jerry enters and hears the calls. JERRY Hello? MR OH Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please! Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. He tries to hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull. JERRY It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood. MR OH Pull harder. JERRY I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week. MR OH Very funny, but no joking, please. JERRY (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out. (Hallway) Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying an umbrella. Elaine looks dubious. ELAINE Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this. BRETT Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinet, but it's start. ELAINE Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet. Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's apartment distracts her. JERRY (yell) Move to the back of the drawers! Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment. ELAINE Jerry? (Kramer's Apartment) Elaine enters followed by Brett. ELAINE Jerry. Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large fireman's axe. He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the wood splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops the umbrella, and rushes forward to protect the furniture. BRETT (shouting) Not the Farbman!! Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to her mouth and screams, horrified at what she sees. (Japanese TV Office) The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors of some horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George perches on the arm of the couch. MR OH (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe. EXECUTIVE 1 (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect his friend here is also unbalanced. The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending, George. GEORGE So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal? MR OH (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we have a couple of those oranges? The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab the fruit. MR OH (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very hungry and have survived many hardships. Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including the leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands. GEORGE (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners? EXECUTIVE 1 Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield. Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet cleaners. George looks stunned. GEORGE Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here? WILHELM I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning. George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader. GEORGE (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?! The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.' GEORGE (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me! WILHELM Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya. George purses his lips. EXECUTIVE 1 (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series. The second executive shakes her head. (Jerry's Apartment) Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands beside him, applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine. JERRY (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe. Elaine gives Jerry a look. JERRY (defensive) At least it was just the handle! BRETT It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell... Brett looks concerned. BRETT I can't remember his name! JERRY Fleckman? ELAINE Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...' ELAINE/JERRY (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...' Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto the table with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just looks down. (Insert) An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing. (Emergency Room) Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him. NURSE His pulse is fine. DOCTOR Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling. Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets the same look on his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance. NURSE Doctor? The doctor stares away. NURSE (concerned) Doctor? The doctor is oblivious to the nurse. NURSE (worried) Doctor? There is still no response from the doctor. NURSE (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him! As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments can be heard beeping faster and faster. THE END

THE FRIARS CLUB

THE FRIARS CLUB Written by David Mandel (Comedy club) JERRY The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream, and the alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream, so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. And, I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening." (Street, New York) An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door closed and clapping his hands together. GEORGE (joyful) June. It's June. George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby and high-fives him. GEORGE (high-fiving) Hey! George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his hands raised above his head in celebration. GEORGE It's June. George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps with her, twirling her round. GEORGE June, June, June. Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing and smiling. GEORGE (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June. George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it, in time-honoured musical fashion. GEORGE It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes. George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads his arms and spins. GEORGE I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune! A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches, and jigs nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the pavement. (Jerry's Apartment) George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches the air as he looks to Jerry. GEORGE June. Juune, baby! JERRY What? GEORGE The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution. JERRY Dead man walking. GEORGE (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day. JERRY Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad. GEORGE Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend. JERRY She did? GEORGE Yeah. JERRY So? Wheels? GEORGE In motion. The wheels are in motion. JERRY Beautiful. GEORGE Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married. JERRY So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club. GEORGE The Friars Club? JERRY Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership. Kramer opens the door and leans in. KRAMER Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright? JERRY Catnap? KRAMER No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that? JERRY (deadpan) That must be some book. KRAMER Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years. JERRY Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish. KRAMER Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy. Kramer heads for the door. JERRY I didn't know you had a hopper. KRAMER (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper. Kramer exits, closing the door behind him. (Conference Room, J. Peterman) A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman at the head of the table. PETERMAN Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs. Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives give Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight wave. BOB Thanks. Hi everybody. PETERMAN Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak. Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her from Bob. ELAINE (whispers) Poor bastard. PETERMAN (to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the copy-editing for the new catalogue. Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear. BOB Ah, could you repeat that? PETERMAN (slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing? Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with his hearing. BOB (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What? PETERMAN (louder still) Copy-editing! Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up. PETERMAN Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it. Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed. Bob has a hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping it back in. (Friars Club Lobby) Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of the rather fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket JERRY Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me. MAITRE D' Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear jackets in the dining room. JERRY (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry. HALLIE (smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you. JERRY (jocular) You just bought your own dinner. George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke. MAITRE D' No problem. Please, follow me. The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows. JERRY (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me. GEORGE (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha. A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting. GEORGE Friars. Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket. JERRY Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here. George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments. The maitre d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter. MAITRE D' This way please. GEORGE Hup, here we go. Here we go. The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing up the rear. (Friars Club Restaurant) Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're engage in at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan with Hallie. GEORGE (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's not that hard Jerry looks scornfully at George. SUSAN (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. It's really delicious. Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it. JERRY (to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said. GEORGE (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here. JERRY (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*. HALLIE (to Susan) Mmm, it is good. SUSAN (to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding? GEORGE (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, look at him. HALLIE (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding? JERRY Oh, come on. GEORGE Look... JERRY Alright. The four continue chatting happily. (Jerry's Apartment) Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long coat. JERRY (looking at Kramer) This is nice. Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake. KRAMER Yeah, morning. JERRY Morning? Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket from the Friars Club. KRAMER Yeah, what time is it? JERRY (looks at watch) Ten-thirty. KRAMER (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh? Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards at his attire. JERRY (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club. Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal. KRAMER Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go. JERRY Breakfast? KRAMER (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day. JERRY So this Da Vinci sleep is working out? KRAMER (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue) JERRY What d'you call it? KRAMER P B and J's. What d'you think? JERRY (deadpan) I think you need more sleep. KRAMER (dismissive) Ahh. Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door. JERRY So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie? Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry. KRAMER I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me. JERRY Oh, now you're being ridiculous. KRAMER (laughing) He he, yeah. Kramer begins to exit. JERRY (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk? KRAMER Oh, I'll be back. Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him. (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building. Elaine sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded by piles of paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated at being saddled with all this work. (Jerry's Apartment) It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room quietly and sits on the edge of Jerry's bed. KRAMER (quietly) Jerry. Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up. KRAMER (quietly) Hey Jerry. Jerry still doesn't wake. KRAMER (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy. Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on his bed. JERRY (startled) Kramer! KRAMER You awake? JERRY (confused) Wha..? What time is it? KRAMER W...It's four. JERRY (aghast) Four in the morning?! KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Well, what's wrong with you? KRAMER I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something? JERRY No. Would you just get out? KRAMER You wanna rent a movie? JERRY No! KRAMER Well, what am I gonna do? (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She has a sandwich and a diet soda on her desk. JERRY Ready for lunch? ELAINE (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of stupid Bob Grossberg. Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down, as Elaine turns to him. ELAINE Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me. JERRY You think he's faking? ELAINE I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real. Bob leans around the open door to speak. BOB Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend. Jerry waves a finger in greeting. BOB (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi. Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks. ELAINE Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give me a hand with some of the catalogue? BOB (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What? Elaine leans toward Bob. ELAINE (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped. Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on it. BOB Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going. Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves. ELAINE Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry? JERRY That was him? ELAINE Yes. JERRY Somehow I thought he'd be taller. ELAINE Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do. JERRY (standing) Alright, I'll see you later. Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door. ELAINE Alright. (Peterman Bathroom) Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the room. He sees Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room until he's standing about three feet behind Bob. JERRY Hey, Bob. Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction. JERRY Bob. Still no reaction. JERRY Hey, Bobby, over here. Bob continues his necessary business. JERRY Bob. Oh, Bob. Still nothing. JERRY (louder) Bob! Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry behind him. Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced away from Jerry. BOB Hi. Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles. (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters. JERRY (urgent whisper) Elaine. Jerry closes the door behind him. ELAINE (makes an irked noise) JERRY I was just in the bathroom. ELAINE (really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here. JERRY No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy. ELAINE So what? JERRY No, I kinda tried to test his hearing. Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers. ELAINE Get out! What'd you do? JERRY Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me. ELAINE (hopeful) And? JERRY Well, he flinched, sort of. ELAINE What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do? JERRY Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno. ELAINE So you don't know anything? JERRY Actually, no. ELAINE (sarcasm) Alright, good job. JERRY Right. Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at the door. JERRY Come in. The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the room. He's smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically. Jerry smiles back. GEORGE (entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something? JERRY That was something. GEORGE Ah. She's great, isn't she? JERRY (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman. GEORGE I told you. JERRY I'm nuts about her. GEORGE You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'? JERRY She could be an 'it'. GEORGE (claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'! JERRY She's got 'it' written all over her. GEORGE She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour. JERRY Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her. GEORGE Well, she's smart. You take my word for it. JERRY Whatever. GEORGE (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends? JERRY That doesn't sound right. GEORGE No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother. JERRY Flying Sandos. Beautiful. GEORGE Great. Seven-thirty, alright? JERRY Walk me down to the Friars. Jerry goes into the bedroom. GEORGE Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may... Jerry reenters looking confused. JERRY It's not here. GEORGE What? JERRY Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere. Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes. KRAMER Oh, boy. Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc. JERRY (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket? KRAMER Oh, the one with the crest. JERRY Yeah. JERRY Oh, well, that's at the cleaners. JERRY The cleaners? How did it get there? KRAMER Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty. JERRY (irritated) Great. KRAMER (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage. JERRY Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days! KRAMER Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six. JERRY Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show. GEORGE Won't be a problem...(mumbles) Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on the counter in Jerry's kitchen. JERRY (to Kramer) Hey. Kramer does not respond. JERRY (louder) Hey!! Kramer snaps awake with a jerk. KRAMER Watch out, boy. (Bob's Office, J. Peterman) Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine arrives and stands in the doorway. ELAINE Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob? Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him, giving no sign of knowing Elaine is there. ELAINE Bob! Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps into Bob's office, and decides to try a different tactic. ELAINE (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on... As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing Elaine's voice, his attention is caught. He stops to listen. ELAINE ...so much. You're so damn...sexy. Peterman watches and listens, surprised. ELAINE (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton. Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves. ELAINE (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob? Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive face and leaves. (Theatre) George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just like the two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie. George is making small talk. HALLIE Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly. GEORGE A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours. HALLIE Yeah. Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket. JERRY Sorry, sorry I'm late. GEORGE/SUSAN Hey! SUSAN Jerry. GEORGE Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket? Jerry takes the vacant seat. JERRY Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show. GEORGE Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln. JERRY Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better. Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto the stage to applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join in. (Kramer's Apartment) Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying with the collar on his shirt. KRAMER So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies? CONNIE Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you. KRAMER Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure. Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck. KRAMER Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter. (Theatre) The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with glasses, trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting the audience. The audience applaud appreciatively. The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One brother climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge of the stage, where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud. SANDOS BROTHER 1 How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next trick? JERRY (smiling) I don't think so. SANDOS BROTHER 1 Please, take off your jacket. JERRY My jacket? SANDOS BROTHER 1 Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say, ladies and gentlemen? The rest of the audience cheer and clap. SANDOS BROTHER 1 (to Jerry) Can't argue with that. HALLIE C'mon. SUSAN Do it. Come on, Jerry. GEORGE Give him the jacket. JERRY (giving in) Alright. Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and audience. He hands it to the Sandos Brother. SANDOS BROTHER 1 And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand) Agrabah! And we make it disappear. As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box and into the audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie. Jerry peers over the edge of the box, after the jacket. (Kramer's Apartment) Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the side of his head with her fingers. CONNIE (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo. Kramer is oddly unresponsive. CONNIE (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts. Kramer makes no reply. CONNIE (worried) Cosmo? Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him. CONNIE (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up! Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or replying. CONNIE Cosmo? Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely slack and expressionless. CONNIE (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead. Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out, but is unable to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs the handset of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone to her ear. CONNIE (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some guy dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey might find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me. (Theatre, Backstage) Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing Room 3'. GEORGE This is very exciting. The inner sanctum. Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one of the Sandos Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly. JERRY Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up. SANDOS BROTHER 2 Jacket? What jacket? JERRY (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah. SANDOS BROTHER 2 A..are you sure it was me? JERRY Well, it was either you or one of your brothers. Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are still changing. SANDOS BROTHER 2 Well, two of them have left already. The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles off a question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each other and reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly they don't know anything. SANDOS BROTHER 2 (shaking his head apologetically) No. JERRY It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club. SANDOS BROTHER 2 Sorry. The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling. HALLIE Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up. JERRY (cynical) I'm sure it won't. HALLIE Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back. GEORGE (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh? JERRY (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home. SUSAN Aww, that's too bad. GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah, we'll do it another time. SUSAN (bright) George, we'll go. George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan is something he relishes. (Monk's) George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's a definite lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan. There's a long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks of something to say. GEORGE I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today. SUSAN Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow. GEORGE Okay. SUSAN So, what colour? GEORGE Brown. Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment. GEORGE Maybe a black. SUSAN Mmm. The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot. WAITRESS More coffee? GEORGE (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please. The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the table for George. (Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment) As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys emerge carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry it away down the hall. JERRY (looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something. Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment. (A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson) It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river. The two guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car. They open the trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They lug it to the rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It splashes into the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the trunk of the car and climb back in. (Beneath The Hudson River) The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents begin to squirm and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the fabric. The top of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed, and would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his legs and swims toward the surface. (The Hudson River) Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky and confused. KRAMER HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!! Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing down on him. He turns and begins swimming away from the vessel. KRAMER AAH! AAGH! (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman) Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's carrying a couple of bits of card. PETERMAN Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately. Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk. ELAINE (shrugging it off) Oh. PETERMAN So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the Flying Sandos Brothers magic show. ELAINE (pleased) Ah. PETERMAN It is a real hoot. ELAINE (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman. PETERMAN Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a little early, so you both can get ready. Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave. ELAINE Mr Peterman, you... PETERMAN (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every word you said. Elaine realises what Peterman overheard. PETERMAN And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal. ELAINE (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman. (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry is on the phone, as George enters. JERRY (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper! Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch. JERRY (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that! GEORGE It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us. JERRY (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so. GEORGE (worried) Why not? JERRY (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off. GEORGE (standing) C'mon, what're you talking about? JERRY Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured. GEORGE You're soured? JERRY Yeah, I'm soured. GEORGE Don't be soured. JERRY I'm sorry. I'm soured. GEORGE (animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from? JERRY Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket. GEORGE (animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back. JERRY (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see. GEORGE (worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right? JERRY I'll try and de-sour. GEORGE (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too! JERRY (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten. GEORGE I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys. JERRY I still don't know what that means. GEORGE (neither does he) Yeah, well. The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to the skin. KRAMER God. JERRY (astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?! KRAMER (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry! JERRY Who? KRAMER (shouts) Connie! JERRY What'd she do? KRAMER I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops. JERRY (bewildered) Why would she try and kill you? KRAMER (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to have me! Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud. KRAMER (to door) Gah! Kramer stomps away to his own apartment. (Friars Club Lobby) Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on their previous visit. As they wait, they're people-watching. JERRY Hey, there's uncle Milty. GEORGE (pleased) Yeah, it is. JERRY (pointing) And there's David Steinberg. GEORGE The comedian, or the manager? JERRY The manager. George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry and George. JERRY (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat. PAT Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what? JERRY I forgot to take it off. PAT (dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an idiot? JERRY I'm sorry. PAT Where's the jacket? JERRY Well, one of the gypsies took it. PAT (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy! GEORGE (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it. PAT (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness? GEORGE No, I uh... PAT (interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, bring the jacket back tomorrow. JERRY Alright. Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George to leave with him. George looks round and sees something. GEORGE Wait a minute, wait a minute. Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket is entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested jacket. GEORGE Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket. JERRY God, you're right. GEORGE (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon. Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple of strides they are faced with the maitre d'. MAITRE D' Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members? JERRY Well, I'm a prospective member. MAITRE D' Until then, (pointing) that's the way out. JERRY But that guy has my jacket. MAITRE D' C'mon, let's go. The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite their continuing protests. GEORGE Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is... MAITRE D' Come on. JERRY Come on. MAITRE D' Let's go. GEORGE If I could talk to the guy for just a sec... Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club. (Theatre) Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie. Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending the evening with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine. BOB These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give us these tickets. ELAINE (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice. Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans slightly toward her. BOB (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we? Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives across at Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest. ELAINE (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it. Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him, angrily. ELAINE Get offa me! Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then he dives in for another go. Elaine struggles with him again. ELAINE Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself! Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly shuffles away out of the box. (Theatre, Backstage) Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the theatre. JERRY I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club. GEORGE I told you, he probably went out the back. Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket. He has a jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with him. JERRY Ouf. Jerry recognises the guy. JERRY Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket! SANDOS BROTHER 1 No, it is not. It is my jacket. The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George. JERRY (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back. SANDOS BROTHER 1 No, it is not. This is mine. JERRY C'mon I need it. Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it. George joins in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door to 'Dressing Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle. JERRY (determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member. GEORGE Give 'im the jacket already! Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother runs away down the corridor, shouting. SANDOS BROTHER 1 (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar disay! GEORGE What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here! JERRY Can you believe it?! Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something. JERRY (examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is different. It's got a moose on it. GEORGE Moose? JERRY Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket. HALLIE No, it's not. Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out a jacket on a hanger. HALLIE This is the jacket. Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over to Jerry. JERRY Ohh, you got the jacket back. GEORGE Ohh, yeahh. JERRY (taking the jacket) Thank you. HALLIE It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it back to you. JERRY Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em. GEORGE (smiling) That is really nice. HALLIE Yeah. JERRY Yeah. HALLIE Yeah. JERRY Yeah. GEORGE This is nice. JERRY Yeahh. HALLIE Yeah. GEORGE (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have coffee. HALLIE (flat) I'll see you at the wedding. Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters. (Theatre) Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches her eye. It's Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs to her that she has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the lapel of her jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her head on one side, listening to see if it makes a difference. (Theatre, Backstage) Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket, and George is carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen. GEORGE (moody) Great! Now she's sour! JERRY Maybe she'll sweeten. GEORGE (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter! Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They look over toward Jerry and George. SANDOS BROTHER 1 (pointing) There they are! The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George hurriedly puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten. GEORGE Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you! Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance. George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency Exit. Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry dart through. As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring. (Theatre) Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds. Obviously, the earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She clutches her hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight onto the floor of the box. (Hallway, Apartment Building) Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two other guys. One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is opened by Connie. KRAMER (pointing) That's her, officer. CONNIE (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were... KRAMER (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up! The detective shows his shield to Connie. DETECTIVE You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer. CONNIE (defensive) I didn't do anything. KRAMER (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah! DETECTIVE Get your coat, we gotta take you in. CONNIE Can I call my lawyer? DETECTIVE Okay, go ahead. Connie goes back into her apartment. (Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office) CONNIE (on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder. On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles. JACKIE Attempted murder? Of whom? CONNIE This guy, Kramer. JACKIE Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer? CONNIE (surprised) Yeah, that's right. JACKIE (adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it. Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped. THE END

THE FATIGUES

THE FATIGUES Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant. WOMAN Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting. JERRY My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while. WOMAN Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made. JERRY Mentor? You mean your boss. WOMAN Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing. JERRY Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor. WOMAN And I'm her prot�g�. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path. JERRY Well, I like Gabe Kaplan. George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment. GEORGE I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor? JERRY Yes. And the mentor advises the prot�g�. GEORGE Is there any money involved? JERRY No. GEORGE So what's in it for the mentor? JERRY Respect, admiration, prestige. GEORGE Pssh. Would the prot�g� pick up stuff for the mentor? JERRY I suppose if it was on the prot�g�'s way to the mentor, they might. GEORGE Laundry? Dry cleaning? JERRY It's not a valet, it's a prot�g�. GEORGE Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment. JERRY Risk management? GEORGE Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise. JERRY Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert? GEORGE I guess it's on my resume. The phone rings, Jerry answers. JERRY Hello? VOICE Please hold for Elaine Benes. GEORGE You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice. JERRY So get this book on tape. GEORGE You can't, it's a textbook. ELAINE Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party? JERRY Am I going? It was three nights ago. ELAINE What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation. JERRY Oh, it was a lovely affair. ELAINE Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom? JEANINE Eddie Sherman. ELAINE Alright, send him up here. JERRY You gonna do a little yelling? ELAINE I'm gonna do a little firing. JERRY That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker? ELAINE Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break. Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded off with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George, hitting him in the glasses and waking him up. JERRY Hey, Copernicus? Elaine's office. JEANINE Eddie Sherman is here. ELAINE Oh, great. Send him in. Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in a raspy voice. EDDIE You wanted to see me? ELAINE Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you. Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop. JERRY So, what did you say? ELAINE Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him. JERRY What? What did you-- ELAINE Copywriter. JERRY He's writing copy? ELAINE Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out. Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and Elaine. KRAMER Yowza yowza. Check it out. JERRY Jewish singles night? KRAMER I expect you both to be there. ELAINE I'm not Jewish. KRAMER Well neither am I. JERRY Well why are you going? KRAMER I'm not, I'm running it. JERRY What are you talking about? KRAMER Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades. JERRY Lomez is Jewish? KRAMER Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school. ELAINE At the Knights of Columbus? KRAMER Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this. JERRY Kramer, you know, I-- KRAMER No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself. ELAINE A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies. KRAMER Do you like tsimmis? Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant. ABBY My mentor says the duck is outstanding here. JERRY I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human. ABBY Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia! CYNTHIA Hello, Abby. ABBY Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor. JERRY Hello. CYNTHIA Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you. ABBY Well come join us, we could pull up a chair. CYNTHIA Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you night know him, he's a comic too. JERRY No kidding? CYNTHIA Kenny Banya. JERRY Banya? Banya enters. BANYA Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry. George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones. GEORGE Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that? MAN Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape. GEORGE I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape. MAN Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille. George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. JERRY Reading for the Blind? GEORGE I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management. JERRY So, I finally met the mentor. GEORGE What's she like? Impressive? JERRY Oh yeah, she's dating Banya. GEORGE Banya? JERRY Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen. GEORGE What did you have? JERRY Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Banya? GEORGE Marsala? JERRY Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Banya should be setting pins in a bowling alley. GEORGE Alright, I got a test to fail. JERRY Hey, good luck with that. GEORGE Thank you. George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment. GEORGE Dad. FRANK What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit? GEORGE What are you doing here? KRAMER Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager. JERRY Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people? KRAMER Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook? FRANK Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking! Frank storms out of the apartment. KRAMER What's the matter with him? GEORGE My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen. KRAMER Shell-shocked? GEORGE Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it. Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's. ELAINE That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today. EDDIE Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas. ELAINE Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day. EDDIE I'm ready. ELAINE Oh, okay. EDDIE It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts. Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop. ELAINE What am I gonna do? He is a disaster. JERRY Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion. ELAINE You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out. George is taking an eye exam. GEORGE Nothing at all. DOCTOR Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this insurance form, here's a pen. George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face. GEORGE You're a very handsome man, by the way. Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the stove. JERRY What the hell is going on here? Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops the pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers. JERRY What are you doing? KRAMER I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this. JERRY No, I don't want to. KRAMER Eat, eat! You're skin and bones. Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece. KRAMER Hah? JERRY Oh, this is awful. KRAMER Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah. Kramer bites into one and spits it out. JERRY Did you follow the recipe? KRAMER The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused. JERRY It tastes like dirt. KRAMER Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank. JERRY Kramer, you can't talk to Frank. KRAMER No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry. Abby walks in. ABBY I think there's a dead animal in the elevator. KRAMER My stuffed cabbage! Kramer runs out. ABBY So, great dinner last night. JERRY Yeah, it was alright. ABBY I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Banya Saturday and then catch his act. JERRY No. No, no way, no Banya. ABBY What? JERRY Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack. ABBY Cynthia would not date a hack. JERRY Would. Does. Is. Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's. ELAINE Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog. There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees. ELAINE He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development. EMPLOYEE You promoted him? ELAINE Well, no, I would hardly-- EMPLOYEE I bust my hump ever day. ELAINE Relax-- EMPLOYEE As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged prot�g� can run the catalog by yourselves! I quit! What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as everybody walks out. ELAINE Well, hey? Hey. Hey!! George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George. VOICE Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky? GEORGE This guy sounds just like me. VOICE To understand risk, we must first define risk. GEORGE This is horrible. VOICE Risk is defined as-- GEORGE Stop it! Stop it! Kramer is at Frank's. KRAMER C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago. FRANK In my mind, there's a war still going on. KRAMER Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over? Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it. FRANK Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough... KRAMER What happened? FRANK I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys. KRAMER Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone. FRANK Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home! KRAMER Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again. FRANK No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go. Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment. JERRY So you saw Banya's act? ABBY He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore. JERRY I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges. ABBY Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine? JERRY He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny. ABBY Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over. JERRY No more mentor? ABBY Looks that way. JERRY Well at least you and I are okay again. ABBY Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while. JERRY Why? ABBY Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor. JERRY I can tell you what to do. ABBY No, it's more than that. JERRY I can tell you what to think. ABBY I need someone I can trust. JERRY Oh. George busts in. GEORGE I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless. JERRY Kind of in the middle of something here, George. George shuts up and relaxes on the couch. JERRY George? ABBY I gotta run anyway. JERRY I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor. ABBY I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya. JERRY Yeah, see ya. Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her. JERRY What's your problem. George runs back. GEORGE No problem. George runs away again. Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy. EDDIE Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes. ELAINE Oh. EDDIE It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull. ELAINE You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear. EDDIE Well, I'm not married to it. Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"? EDDIE Dewy meadow. Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen. ESTELLE Here's your omelet. FRANK It's dry. ESTELLE That's the way I always make it. FRANK Well it sucks. ESTELLE What did you say? FRANK Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house! ESTELLE Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here! FRANK Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby! George and Abby are at George's office. ABBY And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a prot�g�? GEORGE I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management. ABBY I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me. GEORGE I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me. ABBY Alright. GEORGE Okay. Jerry runs into Banya on a street corner. BANYA Hey Jerry. JERRY Oh, hey Banya. BANYA Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me. JERRY Oh, that's too bad. BANYA Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry. JERRY Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl�'s Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine-- BANYA You think you can give me a hand with my material? Frank is knocking on Kramer's door. KRAMER Hey. FRANK You still need a cook? KRAMER Oh yeah, come on in, Frank. FRANK Ya got T-Fal? KRAMER Keflon. FRANK No! Follow me. Jerry is reviewing material with Banya. BANYA Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie. ELAINE Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones". Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment. JERRY George Costanza is your mentor? ABBY Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much. Abby places her risk management folder on the table. JERRY About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check? ABBY You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship. JERRY As a matter of fact, I happen to have a prot�g� of my own. Jerry places his Banya folder on the table. ABBY Who? JERRY A Mister Kenneth Banya. ABBY Banya? JERRY I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top. ABBY Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose prot�g� is a hack. Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag. JERRY Well, I don't think I want to date a prot�g� whose mentor is a Costanza. Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop. ELAINE I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog. EDDIE Cool. ELAINE Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh? EDDIE I don't want to talk about it. ELAINE Come on, don't be a baby. EDDIE I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off. ELAINE That's it? EDDIE Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish. "Jewish Singles Night". ELAINE Mm. This food is fantastic. JERRY Have you tried the hamentashen? ELAINE I can't get off the kishkas. BANYA Hey Jerry! JERRY Banya? BANYA I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer! JERRY Risk management? BANYA Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even Cynthia took me back. Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman. WOMAN So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development in two days? EDDIE That's right. WOMAN How much are they paying you? I'll double it. Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'. KRAMER Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes. FRANK Where's the powdered sugar? KRAMER You know Frank, you could take a break. FRANK No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona. Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine. ELAINE You're quitting? EDDIE I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more. ELAINE Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you! Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece of bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads to the loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip. George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting. VOICE Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management. George steps up and opens his folder. GEORGE Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine? George flips through a few pages. GEORGE They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about. WILHELM He's my prot�g�. FRANK Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good! THE END

THE WIFE

THE WIFE Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.' Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!' But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!' Opening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment. Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom. MERYL Good morning. JERRY Good morning. MERYL How'd you sleep? JERRY Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side. MERYL I was not! JERRY C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed! MERYL By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.' JERRY No, no, 12-8! MERYL No, it's 15-8. JERRY I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive. MERYL Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast. JERRY Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Haven't worn this one in a long time. MERYL Ooh, cashmere? JERRY No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that. MERYL Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is? JERRY No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him. MERYL Alright, we'll stop over there. JERRY Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast? MERYL Pancakes. JERRY Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes. MERYL I don't know that! Mark's Michelle is a dog. JERRY But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike. MERYL I'll get the short stack. JERRY Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.' KRAMER We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite. JERRY Hey, is that my maple syrup? (Kramer hands it over.) MERYL You bring your own syrup? KRAMER Got to. JERRY You got a lot to learn about pancakes. Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's. MARTY This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this! JERRY Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket? MARTY Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.) JERRY Oh, wow. MARTY I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her. MERYL Oh, that's so touching. JERRY Oh, come on! MARTY What are you talkin' about? JERRY It's silly! MARTY Hey, forget it! JERRY Get outta here! MARTY It's done! JERRY Alright. MERYL Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife. MARTY I didn't know you were married. JERRY Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld. MARTY Sure, you get the discount, too. JERRY You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes... MERYL I'm taking him to the cleaners! JERRY Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run! Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes out of the club. ELAINE Oh, hi Greg. GREG Haven't seen you in a while. ELAINE Yeah. Well, today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon. GREG You ran the Mini-Marathon? ELAINE No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.) GREG Well, I gotta take off. ELAINE Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the time? GREG Eleven-thirty. ELAINE Eleven-thirty? GREG Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry. ELAINE Oh. GREG Do you have to be somewhere? ELAINE No. GREG Then what are you doing? ELAINE I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together. GREG Oh. Well, it was good seeing you. ELAINE Yeah, nice to see you, too. (Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She looks after him with a puzzled expression.) Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop. MERYL Uh, would you, um...can I... JERRY Pardon? MERYL The syrup. Would you pass the syrup? JERRY Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.) WAITRESS Can I get you anything else? JERRY Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee. WAITRESS Okay. MERYL And a check for my husband. JERRY To my beautiful wife. MERYL To my adoring husband. JERRY Adoring? What about handsome? MERYL I like adoring. JERRY Sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.) OWNER Excuse me...where did you get that? JERRY I, uh...well... OWNER Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it. JERRY Well, I told my wife not to bring it. Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. JERRY No, just Meryl. KRAMER Why, why? Why does she get it? JERRY Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh. Jerry: Eh.) And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence. KRAMER "My wife has an inner ear infection." JERRY See? KRAMER I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too? JERRY Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in! KRAMER C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive! JERRY Alright. (Elaine enters.) KRAMER Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched? ELAINE Let's make it fifty. KRAMER We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. (Kramer leaves.) ELAINE Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club? JERRY The fly-boy. ELAINE Yeah. JERRY Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you. ELAINE I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss. JERRY So? ELAINE So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic. JERRY Really. ELAINE Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim. JERRY Moisture? ELAINE Yeah. Definite moisture. JERRY That's an open-lip kiss, alright. ELAINE Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.) Yeah? GEORGE Oh, uh...it's George. ELAINE Hey, what happened to you? GEORGE Nothing...little problem. ELAINE Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting. GEORGE Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.) ELAINE I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out. JERRY I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk. ELAINE Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me. JERRY Yeah, so? ELAINE I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, what happened? GEORGE Nothing, I... said it was a little problem. ELAINE Yeah? What was it? GEORGE Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so... JERRY Here we go. GEORGE Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look. ELAINE You went...in the shower? GEORGE Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! (Kramer enters with his quilt.) ELAINE Do you go in the shower? JERRY No, never. ELAINE Do you? KRAMER I take baths. GEORGE Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back? ELAINE Ever hear of...holding it in? GEORGE Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys. ELAINE How do you know? GEORGE Medical journals! JERRY Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine? Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl is already there dropping off some stuff of her own. JERRY Hello. MERYL Oh, hi...honey. JERRY What are you doing here? MERYL I just thought I'd drop off a few things. JERRY Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.) MARTY Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.) UNCLE LEO Jerry! JERRY Uncle Leo! UNCLE LEO Hello! JERRY Hello. MARTY So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready. UNCLE LEO Your wife? JERRY Yeah...my wife. UNCLE LEO What are you talking about? JERRY Uh...I got married. UNCLE LEO You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation? JERRY Well, it was sudden. UNCLE LEO Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you? JERRY No, no, it was a small ceremony. UNCLE LEO Haven't I always been a good uncle? JERRY Yes, yes, you have. UNCLE LEO Who told you when you went to school that you print well? JERRY You did, you did. UNCLE LEO When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print. JERRY I'm a good printer. UNCLE LEO I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes out.) Hello! Wait! (Jerry tries to catch Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage," but doesn't make it.) Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health club. GREG I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where I can get some good olives? ELAINE I can find out. GREG Would ya? ELAINE Sure. (Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal!) GREG By the way, you look really great in that leotard. ELAINE Oh, thanks. (Thinks - That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.) GREG Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last night. ELAINE (Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out.) Um, you know Greg, I... GREG Can I have a sip of your water? ELAINE Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.) GREG Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the bottle with his shirt first.) ELAINE (Thinks - Oh my God.) GREG I'm sorry, what were you saying? ELAINE It was nothing, forget it. (George enters the gym.) GREG See that guy right there? I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in, too. (On the other side of the room, George falls off an exercise machine and gets his foot caught in it.) Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the couch, watching TV and eating chocolates. MERYL Honey? Could you get me something to drink? JERRY You're right there. MERYL C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at the TV show she's watching.) JERRY Honey, what'd you do with the can opener? MERYL I didn't do anything with it. JERRY Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday. MERYL It's in the first drawer. JERRY I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here. MERYL Yes, it is. JERRY Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener. MERYL Did I say you were stupid? JERRY Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? (The phone rings.) MERYL Do you want me to go find it? JERRY Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. (Answers the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife. (Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.) HELEN Jerry, we just heard, what's going on? MORTY Why the hell didn't you tell us? JERRY Listen, Ma... MERYL It was in here yesterday! JERRY Yeah, that's what I said! HELEN Who is she? When did this happen? MORTY I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it. HELEN Morty, you're talking too loud. MORTY I'm not talking loud! HELEN You're hurting my eardrum. MERYL Well, you must have done something with it! JERRY I'm on the phone! HELEN Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name? JERRY Mom, I'm not married. HELEN What? JERRY I'm not married! MORTY I knew it, I told ya! HELEN Uncle Leo said. JERRY I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning. HELEN A discount on dry-cleaning? JERRY Could you make a little more noise? (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later. MERYL Well, I give up. JERRY Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.) KRAMER Got any coffee? JERRY Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired? KRAMER My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone! JERRY What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.) KRAMER Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.) Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night. JERRY Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff. MERYL Yeah, me too. Love you. JERRY Love you. MERYL Well, goodnight. JERRY Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.) Commercial break. Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day. GEORGE They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them! ELAINE So what do you want me to do? GEORGE Talk to him! ELAINE How can I do that? GEORGE You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss! ELAINE Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water! GEORGE Well, that doesn't mean anything! ELAINE Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs! JERRY She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big. GEORGE Well, what about the open-lipped kiss? JERRY Bottle-wipe supercedes it. GEORGE Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him? ELAINE George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him. GEORGE Why? ELAINE I...I don't know... GEORGE Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?! ELAINE No, that's not it! GEORGE Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is! ELAINE Why couldn't you just wait? GEORGE I was there! I saw a drain! ELAINE Since when is a drain a toilet?! GEORGE It's all pipes! What's the difference?! ELAINE Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up! GEORGE I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.) JERRY Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here? ELAINE Okay! Okay! I will talk to him. (Kramer enters.) KRAMER Jerry, I think that quilt is ready. JERRY Alright. KRAMER Well, you gotta pick it up for me! JERRY Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it! KRAMER I'm so tired! ELAINE Boy, you don't look good. KRAMER Huh? I don't? ELAINE No, you look pale. KRAMER Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.) JERRY Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry... Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently, waiting for his quilt. MARTY I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer bursts in.) KRAMER Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here? MARTY Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt. JERRY He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally. MARTY Well, uh...maybe tomorrow. KRAMER Maybe. JERRY Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay. KRAMER Alright, I'm gonna see you later. JERRY Where you goin'? KRAMER I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines. JERRY I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya. KRAMER Hey, that's how I maintain my glow. JERRY I'm goin' home. (Kramer exits. An attractive woman enters the dry-cleaners with a bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry notices her and waits by the door.) PAULA Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost to clean this? MARTY Oh, about thirteen dollars. PAULA Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that. MARTY Well, I'm sorry. (Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile at each other.) Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising on a leg machine.) ELAINE Hi, Greg. GREG Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second. (Another guy approaches the exercise machine.) ELAINE I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.) GREG It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine looks at the machine, then George runs over.) GEORGE What happened? Did he bring it up? ELAINE Never mind that, look at the signal I just got. GEORGE Signal? What signal? ELAINE Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy. GEORGE I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness! ELAINE Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal. GEORGE A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal? ELAINE Yeah! It's a social thing. GEORGE What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him! ELAINE No! I won't be a party to this. GEORGE So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination? ELAINE Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. (Walks away.) Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning. PAULA I won't let you do this! JERRY I want to! PAULA But it isn't right! I can't. JERRY Give me the clothes. PAULA Jerry, please. What about her? JERRY Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.) PAULA No, Jerry, please! JERRY I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. PAULA I can't fight you. (They embrace and kiss passionately.) JERRY Do you want box or hanger? PAULA You decide. (Jerry considers.) Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on the tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg in the weight room. ELAINE You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh? GREG Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of the health club.) Oh, there's the manager. Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy, you know, we cannot have people like that in here. ELAINE Are you sure you want to do that? GREG Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her. ELAINE You're interested in...in her? (Points at the manager.) GREG Very. ELAINE Ah. You know, uh...I'm engaged. (preens) Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. (Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.) GREG Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out. ELAINE You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you. GREG Why? ELAINE Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? GREG Oh, I see...you're friends with the urinator, aren't you? ELAINE Yeah, well, at least he had a drain. (Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast asleep and snoring.) Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners. MERYL Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse me, this isn't mine. MARTY Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought it in himself. MERYL Really? (Takes her change and grabs the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you. (Exits.) Anna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a knock at the door. ANNA That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. Anna and her grandfather are shocked.) Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. MERYL You son of a bitch! JERRY I'm sorry. MERYL Who is she? I want to know who she is. JERRY It doesn't matter. I want a divorce. MERYL A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount? JERRY Yes, that's right. MERYL What happened to us, Jerry? JERRY I'll tell you what happened. We got married. MERYL I'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed it on you. JERRY No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage. MERYL Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches in her purse)...this is your maple syrup. JERRY It's alright, I want you to have it. MERYL Okay, thanks. JERRY We'll always have...pancakes. MERYL Bye, Jerry. (Exits.) Cut back to Kramer at Anna's door. GRANDPA I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool! (Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.) THE END

THE STATUE

THE STATUE Written by Larry Charles (Night club) JERRY I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I've received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest." (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter carrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it) JERRY (Trying to get the box through the door. To Kramer) To the right. (They get it through) GEORGE That took awhile. JERRY (Sarcastic) Don't get up. GEORGE I'd like to help, but my neck.. (The set the box on the table) GEORGE So how long has it been in the basement? JERRY Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer) Alright, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here. (They open the box, and start going through it) GEORGE What's in it? JERRY Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them. KRAMER (Pulls out some socks) You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks. JERRY No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment) Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned. GEORGE I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest. JERRY No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it. GEORGE Students can't clean. It's anathema. (Jerry's confused) ..They don't like it. JERRY How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation? (Kramer pulls a statue out of the box) KRAMER Now this, I like. (George's eyes light up when he sees the statue) GEORGE Wait a second. I can't believe this! Let me see this. KRAMER (Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait.. GEORGE Let me just see it. KRAMER Come on.. (The both grab it) GEORGE Let me just see it for a second. Oh my God, it's exactly the same! JERRY What? GEORGE When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. (George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start to fight for it) KRAMER C'mon, George. I saw it first. GEORGE No, Kramer. I have to have this statue. KRAMER No, I got dibs! GEORGE What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it! JERRY (Stepping in) Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? KRAMER Potato man! GEORGE No, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink. (Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see who would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go) KRAMER Okay.. start with me. GEORGE Yeah, good, good. (Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing alternately between Kramer and George with every syllable) JERRY Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork fell out, and you stink. Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean - just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer, then completes the rhyme) And you are it! (Lands on George) KRAMER What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it. GEORGE No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win. JERRY No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good. KRAMER Do over - start with him. JERRY No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks. (Kramer tosses the statue to George) KRAMER Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat. JERRY Alright, c'mon. Let's go. KRAMER Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. (Hums out the theme song) GEORGE (In shock) I can't believe I won at Inka-dink. JERRY Come on, let's go. (They go to the door. George sets the statue down) Aren't you gonna take it? GEORGE No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick it up later. GOERGE (To Kramer) What about your stuff? KRAMER Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes he just got, and throws them into his apartment, and leaves) JERRY Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one. GEORGE What? JERRY The Inka-dink.. you were "It". GEORGE "It"'s bad? JERRY "It" very bad. (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) RAVA Well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, I'll go to another publisher. It's that simple. ELAINE You told them that? RAVA Of course. ELAINE This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you. (Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage) JERRY (Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight. ELAINE Oh, probably caught in traffic. RAVA (Serious) Or maybe he's dead. JERRY (Joking) So what do you write, children's books? (There's a knock at the door) RAVA That's Ray. (Ray enters with cleaning gear) RAY Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you. (Bows) JERRY (Taken aback) ..Alright. RAVA And we have to get back to work. (She exits with Elaine) JERRY (Rushed) I gotta get to the airport. RAY Your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire. JERRY The toilet brush is under the sink.. (Exits) (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude. I'd find them, whereever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?" (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY He really did an amazing job, look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. (Gets on his knees) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man! ELAINE There's no Rubber Man. JERRY ..Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic Man. ELAINE I'm leaving. JERRY Where are you going? ELAINE To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript. JERRY Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go tward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole! (The leave) (Scene ends) (Rava's apartment) (Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room) ELAINE (To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request.. RAVA Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked can be heard) There's Ray.. late as usual. (Ray enters) RAY Well, this is an unexpected surprise - and Delight! The once and future king of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing our humble abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty. JERRY Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment. RAY But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life. JERRY (Joking about his personality) Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? (They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue on the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight) RAVA The water is boiling. Are you having tea? ELAINE AND RAY Yes. (Jerry's still stunned) ELAINE Jerry? ..Jerry! JERRY (Snaps out of it) What? RAVA (From the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand? RAY Yeah, I'm coming! (He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers) JERRY (Points to the statue) I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house! ELAINE What statue? JERRY I had a statue! ELAINE You have a statue? I never saw a statue. JERRY My grandfather gave me a statue! ELAINE Since when? JERRY What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off! (Ray pops his head back into the living room) RAY Do you take sugar? JERRY AND ELAINE Uhh.. no. (Ray goes back into the kitchen) JERRY I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off! ELAINE Do you realize what you're saying? JERRY Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house! (Ray pops in again) RAY Lemon? JERRY AND ELAINE (Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah.. (Ray goes back into the kitchen) ELAINE Are you sure? JERRY Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure. ELAINE Ninety-nine percent sure?! (Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea) RAY Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar - a soothing balm for the soul. (Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from the kitchen can be heard) RAY The pastries! (Ray and Rava exit in different directions) ELAINE Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence. JERRY Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment. ELAINE I never saw the statue. JERRY I had a statue! What should I do? ELAINE I don't know. JERRY ..I'll call Kramer. He can check my house. (Grabs the phone, and dials) ELAINE Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me. JERRY Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry! .. from next door!.. Never mind where I am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts talking casually) JERRY Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother.. She forgot how to make French Toast. You know how mothers are. RAVA My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. He ever heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere. (A long beat passes) JERRY My mom's down in Florida.. she's go one of those condos.. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there? (Ray enters with a tray of pastries) RAY I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods. JERRY ..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh, getting a facial. ELAINE (Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow morning. (They go to leave) RAY Oh, how about dinner? JERRY No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers. (They leave) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY (On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do. KRAMER Let's go get him. JERRY Yeah, right. GEORGE We can't just let him get away with this. JERRY Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take - I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy. KRAMER You wanta go get him? ELAINE Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it. GEORGE Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes! ELAINE George, do you realize that Rava's asked me to edit her book? GEORGE Who is this Rava? KRAMER I say we get him. ELAINE No! GEORGE Let me just call him. JERRY I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless phone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all struggle for control of the other - so they can listen in on the conversation. As Jerry's talking, the three others still fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined, Jerry.. The King of Comedy.. right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (To Kramer and George) Will you shut up?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone? You don't want Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand.. You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o' clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up) ELAINE (Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look, Let's say he stole it. GEORGE Oh, he stole it? ELAINE C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why don't you just.. forget it? JERRY AND GEORGE No. (Scene ends) (Coffee shop) (Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George is sitting inconspicuously) GEORGE (To Jerry, without looking at him) I thought you said one o' clock. JERRY Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his "M.O." GEORGE Remember, don't take any crap. JERRY Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it. GEORGE I'll be right here. (Ray enters) JERRY (Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh. He's here. (Greeting him) Ray? RAY (Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me into? JERRY ..Well, I didn't.. RAY Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue. GEORGE (Muttering to himself) I wonder why. JERRY Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything. RAY Give it back? JERRY Yeah. RAY What are you talking about? JERRY What are you talking about? GEORGE (Muttering) What is he talking about.. RAY I'm talking about the statue. JERRY Yeah, me too. RAY Give it back to whom? JERRY Me. GEORGE (To himself) Yeah, him. RAY You? JERRY Yeah. Me. RAY I'm not getting this. GEORGE (To himself) You already got it. JERRY Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house - and then I saw it in your house. RAY What are you saying? JERRY What am I saying? GEORGE (To himself) Take a wild guess. RAY Are you saying I stole your statue? GEORGE (To himself) What a mind. JERRY Well, I.. RAY I can't believe what I'm hearing. JERRY I can't believe what I'm hearing. GEORGE (to himself) I can't believe what I'm hearing. RAY For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop. GEORGE (To Himself) A pawn shop? JERRY A pawn shop? RAY Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments. GEORGE (To himself) And cleaning them out. (Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up) JERRY Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house. RAY What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it? GEORGE (To himself) Again with the Rava. RAY You want her. JERRY (Joking) No, she's a little too cheery for me. RAY (Losing it) She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?! JERRY I know Finland. They're neutral. RAY Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way? JERRY No, I actually find you quite charming.. a bit verbose at times. GEORGE (Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming" ..You wuss. JERRY (To George) Did you call me a wuss? RAY What did you say? JERRY I said luss.. I'm at a luss.. RAY I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it. JERRY That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table in anger) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea. RAY And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore. GEORGE (Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do you hear this? RAY If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore aand have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over. GEORGGE That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns around, and confronts Ray) You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar! JERRY (Pleading) George. RAY (To Jerry) Who is this? GEORGE I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is.. guilty! RAY What's going on here? GEORGE GUILTY! RAY Your friend is crazy. GEORGE Oh, I'm crazy! JERRY (Still pleading) George, george.. RAY I've got to get going. I have a class. GEORGE Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar! RAY Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. GEORGE You mean alias. RAY You are starting to make me angry. GEORGE Well, that was bound to happen! RAY (To Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today.. and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. (Goes to leave) JERRY Hey, Ray. RAY (Stops) Yes? JERRY How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle! (Scene ends) (Pendant publishing) (Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator) ELAINE Nervous? RAVA Why should I be? ELAINE Yeah. Right. RAVA Your notes are very insightful. ELAINE The book is great. Did you go out last night? RAVA No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable. ELAINE They all are.. RAVA Was Jerry? ELAINE I can't remember.. (Doors open. They step in) RAVA You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations. ELAINE Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved. (The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. The doors open) RAVA (Annoyed) So you think he stole it?! ELAINE Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial evidence. RAVA I admit nothing! (The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator) MAN Will you put that cigarette out, please? (Rava ignores him) ELAINE Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gon and it's in your apartment. RAVA Maybe you think we're in cahoots. ELAINE No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence. RAVA Yes, that's all, a coincidence! ELAINE A big coincidence. RAVA Not a big coincidence. A coincidence! ELAINE No, that's a big coincidence. RAVA That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences! ELAINE No, there are degrees of coincidences. RAVA No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask anyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in the elevator) Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? (Silent) ..Well?! Well?!.. (Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open) MAN Will you put that cigarette out?! RAVA (Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us. ELAINE Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? (The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is empty except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right outside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript into the garbage can of the cart, and exits) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) GEORGE (On the phone) Ma, will you stop?.. It's just a statue! How is it my fault?! ..It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se why this should affect to potatoes! Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't react to disappointement very well.. unlike me. KRAMER I'm not happy about this. ELAINE Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window? GEORGE There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. JERRY Really? GEORGE (Casually) Sure. Why not? ELAINE Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook. JERRY Can't you talk to your boss? ELAINE I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny at all. KRAMER I'm not happy about this. JERRY Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.. GEORGE Yeah.. He'll have my parents! (Scene ends) (Rava and Ray's apartment) (Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door) KRAMER Police! Open up! RAY Police? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat. He forces Ray against the wall - face first) KRAMER Freeze, mother! RAY Hey.. (Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall) KRAMER Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (Looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder. RAY Murder?! (Kramer shoves him against the wall) KRAMER Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert! RAY I think you have me confused with somebody else. KRAMER (Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your name Ray? RAY Yeah. KRAMER (Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. (Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag) RAY Hey, hey, are you a cop? KRAMER Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me? RAY Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. KRAMER Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. (Exits) (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) (Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment) JERRY Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub, bub? (Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. He places it on the table, and reveals the statue) GEORGE Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! KRAMER Yeah. JERRY Kramer, what did you do? KRAMER Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court. GEORGE I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I.. I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you! KRAMER Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps George on the back - sending the statue crashing to the ground) (Scene ends) (Night club) JERRY People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things - things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? ..You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on. THE END

THE ANDREA DORIA

THE ANDREA DORIA Written by Spike Feresten (Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts into the room) GEORGE Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out! JERRY (Gets up) Get out! GEORGE I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it. JERRY (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine? GEORGE (Definite) Oh yeah. JERRY So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya? GEORGE You know what? It's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone) JERRY She's out. GEORGE (Stops) Oh right, the blind date. JERRY Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers. GEORGE Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes. JERRY I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage. GEORGE (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles) JERRY (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying. GEORGE (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit) (Manhattan Mini-storage) (Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably) JERRY (Disgusted) What is with that?! KRAMER Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air) JERRY (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key? KRAMER Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it. JERRY You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you. KRAMER Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again) (Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit) JERRY (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here? KRAMER (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently. (George's new apartment) (George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place) RICARDI Excuse me, George? GEORGE (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off) RICARDI (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association. GEORGE Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball) toward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her) RICARDI No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment. GEORGE (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me. RICARDI Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him. GEORGE (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving). RICARDI (Correcting) Shipwreck. GEORGE I remember.. (Leaves) (Restaurant) (Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's thinking to herself) ELAINE Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals".. huh. (A waiter approaches) WAITER Excuse me, Elaine Benes? ELAINE Yeah? WAITER An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed. ELAINE (Shocked) Stabbed?! WAITER More bread? Jerry's apartment) JERRY (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread? ELAINE That is not the point! The guy was stabbed! JERRY Did you find out who stabbed him? ELAINE Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend. JERRY (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore. ELAINE Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one. (Kramer enters) KRAMER (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen) JERRY AND ELAINE Hey. KRAMER Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food) JERRY There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor. KRAMER (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy. JERRY (In awe. Whispering) The botched it? KRAMER (Complaining) I'm even more potent now! (Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters) GEORGE Hey. JERRY Hey. How's the new place?! GEORGE Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor.. ELAINE Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about? JERRY (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald. ELIANE I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice. JERRY (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship. GEORGE (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom.. ELAINE I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat. JERRY (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens. KRAMER (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his tongue) (Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge) GEORGE How do you know? KRAMER it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died. GEORGE 51 people?! KRAMER That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand! KRAMER There were 1,650 survivors. GEORGE That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. Kramer grabs his food, and follows) KRAMER Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks" (George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same) JERRY Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there? KRAMER Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves) (Jerry nods his head - like it was expected) Newman's apartment) (Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression) JERRY Newman? NEWMAN (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess. JERRY Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit. NEWMAN Sometimes we don't get what we want. JERRY (Confused) What are you talking about? NEWMAN I didn't get my transfer. JERRY "Transfer"? NEWMAN To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up. JERRY You quit the post office? NEWMAN Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail. JERRY Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal. NEWMAN And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall. JERRY (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves) Central Park) (Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops the man) KRAMER Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh? MAN What cough? (One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing to the dog) Restaurant) (Elaine's on a date with Alan) ELAINE I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down) ALAN No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy. ELAINE (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing? ALAN Just.. one of those things, you know. ELAINE What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..? ALAN I don't know. Could be. (A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's table) CAROL Alan?! ALAN Carol? (Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain) ELAINE (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?! ALAN (Between screams) No, that was a different girl. (Elaine looks confused. Scene ends) Coffee shop) JERRY There was another crazed ex-girlfriend? ELAINE Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper. JERRY Mmm.. Bad how? ELAINE (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them. JERRY (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do? ELAINE Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship. JERRY (Agreeing) What's more important? (Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both get into sort of a shrug-off) NYC Street) (While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing) KRAMER (Between coughs) Hey. GEORGE What's with the dog? KRAMER (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing) GEORGE Oh.. (Smuckers coughs) KRAMER (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out. GEORGE A vet? KRAMER Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops snapping) - all on the same day. GEORGE So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine? KRAMER (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya. George's apartment building) (George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book) GEORGE Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria. ELDRIDGE Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal. GEORGE I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs) ELDRIDGE (Defensively) We had to abandon ship. GEORGE Well, all vacations have to end eventually. ELDRIDGE The boat sank. GEORGE (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty? ELDRIDGE Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him) GEORGE (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha! Vet's office) (Smuckers is getting examined by a vet) VET What are the symptoms? KRAMER Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it. VET Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet? KRAMER (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting.. Coffee shop) ALAN So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up? ELAINE (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date. ALAN (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say. ELAINE (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good. ALAN Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. (Gets up to leave) ELAINE Pardon? ALAN You got a big head. It's too big for your body. (Walks for the door) ELAINE (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits) Jerry's apartment) GEORGE So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday! JERRY You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza". GEORGE (Interested) I should! JERRY I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled. GEORGE I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet! JERRY You're the man! (There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's standing in the doorway) NEWMAN Jerry! JERRY I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something? GEORGE Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves) JERRY (Angered) Hello.. Newman. NEWMAN (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?! JERRY What's the difference? NEWMAN The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail! JERRY Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it. NEWMAN Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead. JERRY You're giving up that easy? NEWMAN I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya. JERRY (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too! NEWMAN (Intrigued) What are you proposing? JERRY (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me! NEWMAN An alliance? JERRY (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves) Jerry's apartment) (Jerry's sorting mail out on his table) ELAINE Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail? JERRY (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys. ELAINE Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me "big head". JERRY "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment. ELAINE (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. (The phone rings. Jerry answers it) JERRY Hello? GEORGE (On the other line) Hey. JERRY Hey, George. GEORGE Yeah, listen, I can't make it later. JERRY You can't make it? GEORGE Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya. JERRY Alright. (Hangs up) ELAINE Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop? JERRY (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen. ELAINE (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of Kramer's coughs, then walks off) JERRY Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that? KRAMER Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible. JERRY (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em. KRAMER (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender. JERRY Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog) KRAMER I don't want to! (Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently - much like a dog would) JERRY C'mon. Just sit down! KRAMER (Squirming) Jerry! What?! JERRY Sit down! Sit down! KRAMER (Struggling) Hey! JERRY Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it! (Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up) JERRY (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog pills! KRAMER Whe have the same symptoms. JERRY But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor. KRAMER No, no. No doctors. JERRY Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat) KRAMER Where are you going? JERRY I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go? KRAMER I don't know.. JERRY (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon! (Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows Kramer out) Taxi cab) (Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi) DRIVER Lady, could you move your head a little bit? ELAINE What? DRIVER Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and forehead can be seen) Thank you. Jerry's car) (Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows - just as a dog would) KRAMER I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor! Coffee shop) (George is at the coffee shop with his parents) GEORGE So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly.. ESTELLE I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables. FRANK Get outta here! We have a booth. ESTELLE Frank, I'm cold! FRANK Order a hot dish. ESTELLE Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table) FRANK (Yelling) That's not a booth! ESTELLE (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?! FRANK (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table) ESTELLE (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant! (A moment passes) GEORGE (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad. FRANK Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood? GEORGE (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it. FRANK (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from? NYC Street) (Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer refuses to get out of the car) JERRY Kramer, outta the car. Out, now! KRAMER No, Jerry! JERRY Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car) KRAMER No! Don't! (Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street) JERRY Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer! Tenant board room) (Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is) ELDRIDGE Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw. RICARDI (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony. (George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner) Newman's apartment) (Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle) JERRY Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened? NEWMAN Kramer bit me! JERRY Bit you?! NEWMAN We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days! JERRY (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it? NEWMAN You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail! JERRY Well, why not? NEWMAN (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes.. JERRY What am I gonna wear? NEWMAN I could give you my uniform from my rookie year. JERRY (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman! (Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner brooming the sidewalk) JERRY (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas! OWNER Mail on Sunday? JERRY (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking) Tenant board room) (George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them) GEORGE I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated) Newman's apartment) (Jerry returns to get another bag of mail) JERRY Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend". NEWMAN "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. very well. (Hangs up in disappointment) JERRY What? NEWMAN That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route! JERRY How did they know?! JERRY (Pleading) I tried my best! NEWMAN Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office badge from Jerry's coat) JERRY You know, this is your coat. NEWMAN (Realizing) Damn! Central park) (Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on the bench is staring in awe) MAN 2 He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it. ELAINE (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really? MAN 2 Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head.. (Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off) Coffee shop) GEORGE It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on. JERRY Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment? GEORGE They're making their decision today. (Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something) JERRY What's the matter with you? ELAINE Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down) JERRY What giant freak-head? ELAINE (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple! JERRY So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands! ELAINE (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or jam a fork into his forehead. JERRY (Casually, sarcastic) Either way. ELAINE (Getting up to leave) Alright. Restaurant) ALAN I want to apologize for.. ELAINE (Shrugging it off) Oh, please. ALAN So you have a big head. ELAINE (Casually playing along) So what? ALAN It goes well with that bump in your nose. ELAINE (Suddenly angry) What?! (Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer) WOMAN Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry! (Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before he can tell them the urgent message, he starts coughing uncontrollably) COP Boy, that's some cough you got there. (Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures) COP 2 No, I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come on. (Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following him) George's apartment building) (George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment) GEORGE Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there? ALAN I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They shake hands) GEORGE What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?! ALAN Yeah. GEORGE Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead) ALAN Oh, fork in the forehead. GEORGE That's why they gave you the apartment? ALAN No, I just gave the super 50 bucks. GEORGE Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery! ALAN Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George) (George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like Elaine and her head) THE END

THE BUBBLE BOY

THE BUBBLE BOY Written by Larry David & Larry Charles (Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment) JERRY Well this is it. NAOMI This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food. JERRY Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic. NAOMI Yeah, me too, JERRY No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. NAOMI Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked gun is on. I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch? JERRY No, I mean, I don't think so. NAOMI I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky. JERRY No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky. NAOMI ha ha ha ha ha ha ha JERRY That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on. GEORGE (on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set foe the week end. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi. All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know... (Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug) JERRY This thing has never worked right. NAOMI You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? JERRY Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life and vitality. (break) JERRY How could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.? GEORGE Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody? JERRY Because I didn't think anyone would leave it! GEORGE Well, I didn't think anyone would play it. JERRY Well, now she's not going away for this weekend. GEORGE What do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her up. JERRY Well, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad smell. GEORGE Well maybe you should ask Elaine. JERRY Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted. GEORGE Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her. JERRY Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke? (Kramer enters smoking a cigar) JERRY Ah, Kramer. KRAMER Hello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? What do ya be? JERRY Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars. KRAMER So, what are you guys doin this weekend? JERRY , GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh .. KRAMER Because I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester country club. Hum. JERRY Westchester? Isn't that a private club? KRAMER Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't that beautiful. JERRY and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye, KRAMER Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo GEORGE Gee, that's too bad. JERRY Too bad. KRAMER Why? What wa? GEORGE Well, they got any golf courses up there? JERRY and GEORGE: No, no, no, no. GEORGE That's pie country. JERRY Yeah GEORGE They do a lot of baking up there. JERRY They sell them by the side of the road. PIE PIE PIE PIE (MONKS) ELAINE I don't know. JERRY Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it will be a better group. ELAINE What's that? JERRY Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this. ELAINE "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner? JERRY Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go? ELAINE Well, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin! JERRY Well, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt. ELAINE What about me? JERRY You'll be naked of course. ELAINE Uh, thats, ... MEL Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld? JERRY Yeah. MEL My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there. JERRY Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo. MEL It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood. Damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble. JERRY A bubble? ELAINE A bubble? MEL Yes, a bubble! MEL Do you mind? May I? ELAINE Oh, sure. (Mel sits down with them) MEL Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed everything. All for our little bubble boy (breaks up in tears) MEL Excuse me, I ELAINE Here (giving out paper napkins) MEL Excuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV JERRY You get in the bubble with him? MEL No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic. JERRY Oh, I thought it was like an igloo. MEL No, it's clear. JERRY Ah ha. ELAINE Who has the remote? MEL He does. ELAINE The remote goes through the bubble? MEL Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote. JERRY So you have no control over the remote? MEL No, it's frustrating. ELAINE Yeah, of course, yeah. MEL So anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin. JERRY That's nice! MEL Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and just say hello. JERRY Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ... ELAINE Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to. JERRY Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up town? Upper west side? MEL Up state. JERRY Up state! Hummm. (break) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY He's a bubble boy. GEORGE A bubble boy? JERRY Yes. a bubble boy. SUSANAOMI What's a bubble boy? JERRY He lives in a bubble. GEORGE Boy! SUSANAOMI So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo? JERRY No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room. SUSANAOMI Oh, GEORGE What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic? JERRY That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin. SUSANAOMI Well, where does he live? JERRY I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin' SUSANAOMI Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin. GEORGE All right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go. JERRY You think we can do it? SUSANAOMI I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us. JERRY Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited. SUSANAOMI I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible. GEORGE All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow. JERRY OK, (Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar) KRAMER Well, GEORGE and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice. (Susan recoils at his presence) KRAMER Well, I'm off to the links. GEORGE and JERRY: Yeah, KRAMER Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it. SUSANAOMI The what? GEORGE Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on. SUSANAOMI Did you.. GEORGE No, no, we'll talk about it later. SUSANAOMI Is that one of the cigars my father gave you? IN car on highway ELAINE hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? JERRY Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it. ELAINE Oh, that's nice! JERRY What's he doing? What is his hurry? ELAINE Well you know George. It's not enough to get there. you gotta make good time. JERRY I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it....Look at him. (George's car) GEORGE Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that? SUSANAOMI Why? GEORGE ... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's ten dollars for the tolls. (Jerry's car) JERRY What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he? ELAINE Isn't that blue car him? JERRY No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do? ELAINE It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. JERRY I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town. ELAINE Wa',you don't have the directions? JERRY No, I was following him. ELAINE How could you not take the directions? JERRY Because, HE'S my directions. (from George's car) SUSANAOMI I didn't see them George. (Jerry ranting in his car) JERRY we make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that - ELAINE Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever. JERRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM ELAINE Just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out. (from George's car) SUSANAOMI We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM! GEORGE It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody? SUSANAOMI Well now what are you going to do? GEORGE It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. SUSANAOMI Does he have the address? (Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper from the counter) JERRY (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks. NAOMI (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin KRAMER Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know, Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and I got the directions right here. (break) (Kramer's car) KRAMER So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke? NAOMI No. KRAMER These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam. NAOMI ha ha ha ha ha ha (The Sangers' house) GEORGE I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere. (Susan smooches him) GEORGE Stop, would you quit it. GEORGE Maybe someone is going to see us here. SUSANAOMI So what? You are SUCH a prude. GEORGE Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. SUSANAOMI Come on lets go in. GEORGE What? SUSANAOMI Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all. GEORGE I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy. SUSANAOMI What's the matter? GEORGE I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That was the end of it. SUSANAOMI We're goin' in. Come on. GEORGE Susan, please... (grabs her) SUSANAOMI George. Stop. GEORGE Would you wai,.. (Highway diner) JERRY (ranting) Can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans, packing, ... everything ELAINE Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy? JERRY Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB. I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding me about the BB? (Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum) JERRY I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club. WAITRESS How about you? ELAINE I'll just have a glass of water. JERRY (whispers) You can't just have water. ELAINE Why not? That's all I want. JERRY Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business. WAITRESS Hold it a second. Don't you play on TV? JERRY Oh, no. ELAINE YES! yes. You saw him on TV. WAITRESS What's your name? ELAINE Jerry Seinfeld. JERRY Elaaaiinne... WAITRESS Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show. ELAINE Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture? WAITRESS Oh, ha ha JERRY Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine. ELAINE He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys ) Now you get to sign another one. JERRY I'm not lying. ELAINE Yeah, he is. (as she leaves) JERRY She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken. (Sanger's house) MRS. SANGER You see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic divider. GEORGE and SUSANAOMI: (nod) (long pause) GEORGE Can you uh, go in the bubble? MRS. SANGER Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs. MEL The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production. GEORGE So then he makes his own bed? MRS. SANGER well, that's one of the things we fight about. MEL Would you like to meet him? GEORGE Uh, well, you know,... MRS. SANGER He loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him. DONALD HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE. MRS. SANGER (embarrassed) ha ha ha. (Highway Diner) he he he One picture left in the truck. JERRY Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend. ELAINE Where's my water? JERRY Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go. WAITRESS Thanks. ELAINE Waddya' write? WAITRESS "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner." E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."? JERRY No good? ELAINE THIS is what you came up with? JERRY Well. ELAINE That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you. JERRY Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what I wrote. WAITRESS It's good. I like it. JERRY No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it. WAITRESS Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one. JERRY No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture. WAITRESS RIGHT! (leaves) (Donald's room) MRS. SANGER This is Donald. GEORGE Hi. SUSANAOMI Hello. DONALD WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld? MRS. SANGER He's on his way. These are his friends. DONALD WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE? GEORGE 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on. DONALD WHAT'S YOUR STORY? SUSANAOMI I, I have no story. GEORGE She works for NBC. DONALD HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF? MRS. SANGER Donald, behave yourself. DONALD COME ON. MRS. SANGER I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial Pursuit? GEORGE Well, you know we gotta been running because of the ... DONALD WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID? GEORGE Humph, no, uh, it's just that ... DONALD I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. (Highway Diner) JERRY Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me. WAITRESS You are really startin' to get under my skin. JERRY I want that picture. WAITRESS Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out. (Elaine digging into the roast chicken) JERRY I'm not paying for anything until I get that back. WAITRESS Well, you ain't getting' it back. JERRY Well, maybe I'll just take it back. (Hits picture) ELAINE This chicken is really good. (BB's room) DONALD OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD! GEORGE All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century? DONALD THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS. GEORGE Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS. DONALD MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT. GEORGE I'm sorry the card says MOOPS. DONALD IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS. GEORGE It's MOOPS. DONALD MOORS. GEORGE MOOPS, DONALD MOORS! (The4 cabin) KRAMER Hey, anybody home? NAOMI What should we do? KRAMER Huh, hold these (boxes of) pies. (Kramer falls in through open window) (Donald's room) GEORGE Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George) DONALD THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT. SUSANAOMI Stop it. Let go of him! MRS. SANGER Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald! DONALD I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. MRS. SANGER Donald, ... donald... DONALD MOORS. SAY MOORS! MRS. SANGER Donald, No. ... stop it .. (Susan bursts the bubble) (hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat) (Highway Diner) (Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine is grabbing the cook) JERRY What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine! WAITRESS Are you going to pay for that? JERRY No, I want the picture back. (angry guy enters) MAN #1 Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to the hospital. WAITRESS What? (releases Jerry) JERRY The BB? He lives around here? MAN #1 That's his house right down the road. MAN #2 He got in a fight with some guy. GUY1 What kind of person would hurt the BB? MAN #2 Some little bald guy from the city. MAN #1 Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'? (Elaine and Jerry make their escape) (The cabin) KRAMER Naomi, come on let's get goin'. NAOMI But that lake must be freezing. KRAMER Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process. NAOMI Ready to go swimming? KRAMER Let's go. OK, NAOMI ha ha ha ha ha (The Sanger house) GEORGE Jerry, what happened to you? JERRY What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour. GEORGE I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him. SUSANAOMI It's a long story. DONALD HEY SEINFELD! JERRY Hey, Happy Birthday. ELAINE Hi. DONALD THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME. GEORGE Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp? DONALD MOORS GEORGE MOOPS DONALD MOORS (The towns people arrive) MAN #1 There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him. GEORGE Go, go, get out, ... (our heroes run for it) (Jerry's car, sirens blasting) JERRY Fire engines? (George's car) GEORGE Must be a big one. (In the woods) SUSANAOMI Do you smell something? JERRY Yeah, smoke. GEORGE yeah, (cough) Definite smoke. ELAINE Argh, look at the fire! (cough) JERRY Holy cow! look at that! SUSANAOMI IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN! ELAINE The CABIN is on fire! GEORGE I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the toll. ELAINE How could this have happened? (Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits) KRAMER (singing) ... wild funky mountain man ... NAOMI Oy, my god, the cabin? JERRY What are you two doin' here? NAOMI Look at that. JERRY You didn't (makes motion like lighting a cigar) KRAMER (runs to burning cabin) My Cubans! THE END

THE AIRPORT

THE AIRPORT Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) JERRY ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small problem "There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!". Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune. ELAINE Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah... JERRY Hey, could you do me a favour? (pause) Could you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with a Snapple truck.... Would you believe a big purple jeep? Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck... Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and... ELAINE Hey guess what? This window doesn't work. JERRY I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... (pause) Or is that you? ELAINE Gimme ten bucks and find out... JERRY So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister... ELAINE Yeah, worked out good. JERRY And here's the beauty-- ELAINE What? JERRY George is pickin' us up at the airport. ELAINE Get out of here! Why? JERRY You know that awning outside my building? ELAINE Yeah... JERRY He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning. ELAINE So what happened? JERRY He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything. ELAINE Hey, how we doin' on time? JERRY Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane... Oops. ELAINE Hey! Wait up! JERRY Hey! Wait up! DRIVER Sorry. Heh heh heh... The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty happy about it. Finally inside, they check their luggage... SKYCAP Where you goin'? JERRY Uh, JFK. (To Elaine) I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything? ELAINE Yeah, you want five? JERRY Gimme ten. ELAINE You're giving him *ten* dollars? JERRY Well, we got three bags. ELAINE That's a pretty big tip... JERRY That's what they get! ELAINE They don't get that much. JERRY Let's ask him. ELAINE We can't ask him... JERRY Let's see what he says. ELAINE Jerry, we don't have time for this... JERRY Two seconds. (To Skycap) Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip. SKYCAP Depends on the person, depends on the bag. JERRY Uh, how about a couple of people like us. SKYCAP People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing... JERRY C'mon, seriously... SKYCAP Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag. What!? ELAINE What!? SKYCAP That's right. *Five* bucks a bag? ELAINE *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so. SKYCAP Look, you asked, I told you. ELAINE You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us... JERRY All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much... ELAINE You're lucky I don't report you... SKYCAP JFK... THEN ELAINE'S SKYCAP ...Honolulu. Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter in time. ELAINE Wait up! JERRY You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up! Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter. JERRY+ELAINE The flight's been canceled?!?! TICKET LADY Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now. JERRY We'll take 'em! ELAINE We're not going to sit together? JERRY Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read. ELAINE Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy. JERRY We'll call him... ELAINE There's no time. JERRY No time? (To ticket lady) Is there time? TLADY There's no time. JERRY There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane. TLADY I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled. JERRY I'll take the first class. ELAINE Jerry! JERRY What? ELAINE Why should you get the first class? JERRY Elaine, have you ever flown first class? ELAINE No. JERRY All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't... ELAINE You flew here coach. JERRY Yeah, that's a point... ELAINE All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway. JERRY Yeah, I'm sure you'll live. They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard. ATTENDANT #1 Third row right... Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard. ATTENDANT #1 Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard. JERRY Bon voyage, Lainey! PASSENGER #1 Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat... Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Data General laptop. PASSENGER #1 I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area. ELAINE Great... (To herself) Help me... TIA Excuse me, I think you're in my seat... JERRY Oh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself) Thank... *you*! Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes. Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car. GEORGE Hey, thanks for coming with me. KRAMER Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning? GEORGE I confused it with another awning. KRAMER So how we doin' on time? GEORGE We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. Um, George... Did you say "perfect"? GEORGE What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission! KRAMER Will you relax?! GEORGE Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing! KRAMER This is the best way to go! GEORGE Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks... KRAMER George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man... GEORGE Really? KRAMER If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop. GEORGE The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is? KRAMER Duty. GEORGE Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is? KRAMER No, I dunno how much duty is. GEORGE Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax... KRAMER I still like to stop at the duty free shop. GEORGE I like to stop at the duty free shop. G+K I like to stop at the duty free shop! I like to stop at the duty free shop! Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go according to plan and all that boring dreck...) TIA So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together", and I say, "I thought this was an ad for shoes"... JERRY Oh my... Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring... TIA Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146. Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's* what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146. JERRY Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... Um, what was that page number again? JERRY What is this an ad for? TIA See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus? JERRY Uh-huh... In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic... KRAMER How does it look on your side? (Pause while George just stares at him) We'll get there... Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping beside ELAINE Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... (To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself) Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful. GEORGE They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks! KRAMER Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees! GEORGE Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already. KRAMER No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled. GEORGE Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here! KRAMER Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter. GROSSBARD Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... (He leaves) KRAMER Did you see that guy? GEORGE No... What guy? KRAMER That guy.. He was just... GEORGE Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name! KRAMER (still lost) I know that guy... Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with him again... PRISONER Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine. GUARD Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here. George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get it. PRISONER Hey, I was gonna take that! GEORGE Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first. PRISONER I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine... GEORGE You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine! PRISONER A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot! GUARD All right, let's go... George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below. PRISONER I want the magazine! GEORGE Umm... No. PRISONER You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles... GEORGE But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is! Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. He goes up to George. KRAMER They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia. GEORGE Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon... KRAMER Where do I know that guy from? Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up so she can go to the bathroom. ELAINE (To herself, loudly) Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! (To the slug out loud) Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom... The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words "You lookin' at *me*?" etched in her brain. It's a killer. Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces. JERRY Oh my... that *is* refreshing... ATTENDANT Would you care for some slippers? JERRY Sounds lovely! (To Tia, motioning to put them on her) May I? TIA Please! JERRY Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella. They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car... GEORGE My name is not mentioned in this blurb... Ding! KRAMER It's Grossbard! Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand... GEORGE Who's Grossbard? KRAMER When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and )pfffft( disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard! GEORGE Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago... KRAMER No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy... GEORGE No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back. George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office? JERRY Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there. ATTENDANT They're gardenias, mostly. JERRY I thought I smelled lilac. ATTENDANT Yes, there are a few of those, too... TIA It's almost overwhelming... CAPTAIN Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience... ELAINE (To anyone who'll listen) What'd he say? What'd he say? Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer in the car. GEORGE Well, You're not gonna believe it... KRAMER What? GEORGE The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes. KRAMER Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee. Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God. ATTENDANT We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron. JERRY Oh, saffron! That sounds good. ATTENDANT And today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region... JERRY+TIA Tuscany! They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the unwashed masses in coach and he's in her way. ELAINE Hi. Can I get to my seat? ATTENDANT You're just gonna have to wait... ELAINE But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy... ATTENDANT You're not supposed to get up during the food service. ELAINE Well, nobody *told* me that! ATTENDANT Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait. Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)... GEORGE There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time. KRAMER Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him! GEORGE How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already. KRAMER Gimme your credit card. GEORGE My credit card? KRAMER Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions. GEORGE I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for! KRAMER I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight. GEORGE What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard. KRAMER No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card. GEORGE This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles. Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine returns to her seat now that the attendant is done serving. ELAINE Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart... PASSENGER 1 You're not supposed to get up during the food service. ELAINE I'll try and remember that. (Pause) Where's my meal? PASSENGER 1 He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats. Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant. ELAINE Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal. ATTENDANT Are you sure? ELAINE Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me. ATTENDANT Would you? Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe. ATTENDANT Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal. ELAINE Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is. PASSENGER 1 I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something. PASSENGER 2 No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig. PASSENGER 1 They don't eat pigs! PASSENGER 2 They do if it's killed right-- under a Rabbi's supervision. Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate from somewhere out of camera range. PASSENGER 3 Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal. ELAINE Then why didn't you take it? PASSENGER 3 I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot. ELAINE You're eating my food! ATTENDANT Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not. Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a kosher meal is-- I'm curious... Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert treat. J+T Mmmmmmmm! TIA This is the best sundae I've ever had. JERRY Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream. TIA I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing. JERRY Thank you... J+T Mmmmmm! We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end of her fork ATTENDANT More anything? JERRY More everything! Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines? Back at JFK... KRAMER Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon. GEORGE Super Savers? Are they refundable!? No. GEORGE You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot! KRAMER She talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal. GEORGE Do you know how much this is going to cost me? KRAMER Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you How big of you, you brute. They board the plane. GEORGE Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom... I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine. Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to a reply of "Just a minute" from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until they're moving? Who really cares, anyway? ATTENDANT Excuse me... Excuuuse me... ELAINE What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks. ATTENDANT What is your name? ELAINE Elaine Benes? ATTENDANT (Checks her list) You're going to have to go back to coach. ELAINE No, but there was nobody sitting here... ATTENDANT Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive. ELAINE Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... (She notices another attendant offering goods) Oh, you got *cookies*! ATTENDANT You're going to have to go back to your seat! ELAINE Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! (She goes through the curtain to,ick, *coach*) Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*! The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under that big, blue blanket...) JERRY What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. (To attendant) What is going on? ATTENDANT Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class. JERRY Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door. Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling... KRAMER Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks! No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly escapes. Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure. JERRY Couldn't be... After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their baggage how would they know Kramer was there, too? They didn't get a hold of George on the phone, or he would've went to Laguardia in the first place...) JERRY Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still on the lam somewhere in the airport... JERRY I got my bags, I'm ready to go. ELAINE Yeah, *you* got *your* bags... In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei... ELAINE The worst flight I have been on in my entire life. JERRY Yeah, me too... He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of photographers. TIA I'll call you. JERRY Okay... (To a bamboozled Elaine) It's a business thing... Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out-- you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer entrance", did you? KRAMER You guys ready? JERRY Yeah. Where's George? GEORGE Well, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely shouting "KRAMER!" JERRY But I have to admit, I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is "standby", you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they call it standby-- you stand there going "Bye!" So I was on this flight where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference, I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going "Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?" It's like, "Who the Hell are you?!" THE END

THE BUSBOY

THE BUSBOY Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Night club) JERRY I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about? (A restaurant) (Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant. George hasn't eaten anything) ELAINE Do you want some of mine? JERRY Take some of mine. GEORGE Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it. JERRY Who said you have to like it? GEORGE Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto. JERRY I don't like pesto. GEORGE Where was pesto 10 years ago? JERRY (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs. ELAINE (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola. (George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do so) JERRY (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute. GEORGE That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work. JERRY I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab. GEORGE Who? JERRY Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight. GEORGE A guy? ELAINE (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy. JERRY He's from a.. Yakima, right? ELAINE Seattle. JERRY Everybody's moving to Seattle. GEORGE It's the pesto of cities. So..? ELAINE (To Jerry) You tell him. JERRY Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman. ELAINE Ed. JERRY Who was in town on a business venture, and um.. ELAINE ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on. JERRY So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily. ELAINE On some people. GEORGE Oooh. JERRY So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week. ELAINE It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week. (The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses the menu on the floor, and stomps it out. The manager approaches) MANAGER What happened? GEORGE Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle. MANAGER Sorry to the disturbance. ELAINE (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again. (Manager leaves) JERRY (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble. GEORGE Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?! ELAINE I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding. JERRY (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything. (The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant) GEORGE I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired! ELAINE Oh, I said it in a kidding way. GEORGE I didn't know he'd get fired. JERRY (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this. GEORGE What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?! JERRY (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em. GEORGE Was it my fault? ELAINE Was it my fault? JERRY (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto. (Jerry's apartment) JERRY Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews. GEORGE (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys. JERRY Oh, like you do. GEORGE Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. JERRY (Scoffing) Camp. GEORGE It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it) JERRY Elaine? ELAINE (Through intercom) Yeah. (Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in) JERRY Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs. GEORGE Then why don't you try and get him another job? JERRY I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins. (Elaine enters) ELAINE I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee. GEORGE What? Did you get the busboy's number? ELAINE His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please? (Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine) GEORGE How did you get all this? ELAINE Does the word "charm" mean anything to you? JERRY No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts. GEORGE (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble. JERRY You, you're going now? GEORGE Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something. JERRY Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going? ELAINE I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport. JERRY I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set? GEORGE It'll take to long. (Kramer enters) JERRY Take the K-man. A little support.. GEORGE (Unsure) I don't a.. KRAMER Take me where? Where? (An apartment building hallway) (George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's apartment) GEORGE Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much. KRAMER What am I gonna say? GEORGE I don't know. KRAMER Well, I'm not an idiot. GEORGE Certainly not. KRAMER Then we're cool. GEORGE Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen. KRAMER (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy. GEORGE This is a guy I know.. Kramer. (Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously) KRAMER �Habla espanol? GEORGE (To himself) Oh my God. ANTONIO Si. KRAMER �Como se dice.. waterbed? GEORGE (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it. KRAMER You got anything to drink? �Agua? GEORGE Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going. KRAMER Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink) GEORGE Hurry up. ANTONIO (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic) KRAMER His cat's gone. ANTONIO (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look) (Antonio's apartment) (All three sit in silence) KRAMER ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta worry about. GEORGE (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A lamp breaks) the lamp. KRAMER The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah. GEORGE (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move) KRAMER You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor) (Jerry's apartment) JERRY (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER Hey. JERRY (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again. KRAMER It's been a week. It's up to the cat now. JERRY (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience. KRAMER Oh? How do you figure? JERRY (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open. KRAMER Why was I in charge of closing the door? JERRY (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him! KRAMER So! JERRY (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door! KRAMER Let me talk to him. JERRY (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up) ELAINE Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys? (Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom) JERRY No hello? ELAINE Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems? JERRY Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car. ELAINE Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me. JERRY (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together? ELAINE I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping? JERRY There's no ping. Why are you so wacky? ELAINE Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts! JERRY So, you two been, uh.. ELAIEN No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather.. JERRY What's your airport route? ELAINE I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel. JERRY ..What about the Van Wyck? ELAINE I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut. JERRY Oooh. ELAINE Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right? JERRY You still using that old alarm clock? ELAIEN Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face. (Night club) JERRY Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you." (Elaine's apartment) 15 - they overslept. She gets frantic) ELAINE (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 9:15! ED 9:15? ELAINE Yes! 9:15! ED (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow. ELAINE Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed! ED Can I shower? ELAINE Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?! ED I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day. ELAINE Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going? ED The kitchen. ELAINE The kitchen?! ED I've got a bag of cashews in there. ELAINE They're not making it! Let's get your pants on! ED What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day. ELAINE No! You have your ticket! You have to go now! ED I'll never make it. ELAINE Don't say that! ED But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane. ELAINE Shut up and pack! ED And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do? ELAINE You're talking too much! ED Where's my sweater? ELAINE What?! ED My brown sweater. ELAINE What? What sweater? ED My brown sweater. ELAINE You didn't bring a brown sweater. ED I brought a brown sweater. ELAINE Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater! ED That's not mine. I can't take your sweater. ELAINE It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase) ED What are you doing?! ELAINE NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase) ED My shoes. You packed my shoes. ELAINE Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go! (Jerry's apartment) JERRY Anywhere in the city? GEORGE Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet. JERRY Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth? GEORGE Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key. JERRY Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth. GEORGE (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities. (Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal) ELAINE (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs. (Kramer enters) KRAMER ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming! GEORGE The busboy's coming? JERRY You don't mean here? KRAMER Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up.. GEORGE He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later. JERRY Where are you going? GEORGE I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score. JERRY (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game. KRAMER No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it. GEORGE Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I.. (There's a knock in the hallway) KRAMER Antonio. In here! (Antonio enters) GEORGE (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going? (Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug) ANTONIO Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again) GEORGE (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on.. (The intercom buzzes) ELAINE (Into the intercom) Yeah? ED It's Eddie. ELAINE He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up.. ANTONIO And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves) (Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a fight erupting from the hallway) ED Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off! ANTONIO Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me! ED Who do you think you're talking to, pal? ANTONIO Hey, get your hands off me! ED Go to hell! (Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them getting into a serious fight) (Coffee shop) JERRY He'll get another job. He's a busboy! GEORGE It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off. JERRY It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it. GEORGE That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee. ELAINE Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks. GEORGE So, much longer? ELAINE Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself? GEORGE (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important. ELAINE Take care of yourselves. (Leaves) GEORGE I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy. JERRY Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing? (Night club) JERRY First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight. THE END