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bruh why can’t i have a normal dream every fucking night i’m always in this weird ass situation in a place that doesn’t exist and most of the time i end up dying like can i just have a normal dream for once instead of a nightmare every night | 0 |
my school doesn’t block facebook on the wifi but it does block indeed so the teachers can go on there all they want but so help me if i wanna look for a job in my down time | 0 |
day 430 of recommending songs i like to r/teenagers://youtu.be/biyl9bcp6w4
how has your day been so far? | 0 |
i made it through christmashey,
my name is edmond, and i made it through another family holiday. seems normal to most, but not me. my home is usually filled with friends,and family. catching up, eating dinner, sharing stories, drinking, it was always the place to be. my parents really were good hosts.
back in 2017, my stepdad who i considered my blood father passed away from a heart defect, and it shook my family down to its core. my mom was alone, and scared. my fiancee decided we should move in to help her with the bills, and to make sure she had a safe, and consistent place to grieve, versus her having to move out of the home.
i remember thanksgiving 2017 vividly. i snuck out of the house filled with family, to go see my pops. he usually did the same first, to get his after meal smoke and drink his coke on the porch, then i'd follow and just chat with him. this time he wasn't there. it hurt, a lot more then i could have imagined. same thing happened on christmas. it was like i couldn't accept he was gone
that following april, in 2018, my grandmother passed away. that was more devastating for my mother more then anything, stacy and i were there for her. that following holiday season, hardly anyone showed up. it was really disappointing to my mother, but we were together and that's really all that mattered. i still sat outside, with my pops' memory.
may 2019 my mother had a major stroke that put her permanently into a nursing facility. she lost her ability to speak, and can't move her right side at all. this hit me harder than a bullet. for months now i have changed. changed into this broken man that can't see a future. everyday it just seems to get worse, and have thought of opting out.
this holiday season was non existent, and nobody came. this house is a empty bottle of what it used to be. echoed memories of seasons past haunt this place. we decided to go over to my fiancee's family's house for christmas this year, and seemed like a good idea at first. when i got there, i just felt like a burden, and not welcomed. so i left and just came back to this empty house and watched tv.
the pain of not having family, and the feeling of being alone is terrible. there's times that i just start crying and going into dark places. tonight, however, i just kept busy. for some reason i wanted to journal a bit, and then decided to go into reddit, and found this place. figured it might be a good place to vent.
with the current support system i have, i'll manage i believe. but knowing if it isn't enough, i can come here, and for that, thank you. and thank you for giving my situation a read.
i hope everyone else here made it through the holidays as well.
edmond~ | 1 |
is this a bad situation so my ex contacted me and we been talking a lot recently (about a week) and got along great and i noticed she changed a lot and i think i have feelings for her again. we were talking the other night and we both agreed that if we started dating now instead of when we originally did we would be in a much better situation and we both knew what we did wrong and could like do better in a relationship if we got back together and she gave off some vibes that she likes me but i’m not 100% sure | 0 |
late night thoughtsi feel so upset currently. i just feel so alone, as if no one wants to be with me. as if i am so fucked up that no one wants to bother with me, and if they do it's just for pity. i really don't want to hurt, i don't want to deal with this pain. i just want someone to hold me close, tell me that it will be okay and that i am cared about. yet, i have no one. i find myself tearing up at the fact i feel so alone, and maybe it's my own fault. i push people away when they get too close because i'm so afraid of getting hurt. i just want to be better, i want these attachment issues to go away, i want this depression to fade. but, no it won't. it just keeps growing as time passes by. | 1 |
when do i tell my lover i want to see him in a skirt when’s the right time guys we’ve been talking for 4 months now | 0 |
worthif i could push someone out of a way of a train to save there life i'd do it
because i know even a man who has no arms no limbs, no ability to speak, a absolute shit life, no money, no love, is worth more than me
sure maybe i have a few of the things he doesn't but
he'd still be worth more than me because i know what i'm worth
i'm worth nothing.
| 1 |
i think it's getting bad again lol this isn't fair
i did everything i could but you fucking left me
i loved you, so fucking much
we used to sit in that car park and listen to music together
now we can't even hold a fucking conversation
i did everything for you
i changed my makeup, my personality, my music taste
but you left me for someone else
i genuinely think i loved you | 0 |
i just blew up half of someones minecraft castle, it was pretty good. feel shit about and not sure why i did it, please treat me like shit, so i never do it again. | 0 |
can't wait for chinese new year 🧧🧧 2 new years are awesome
can't understand how you other people get by with just one | 0 |
someone look at my comment history lol uhhhhhhhhh | 0 |
how was everyone's day its 5 am and im still awake this weekend
nevermind that, my day was lazy and fun | 0 |
i don't know if i want to go to school this summer i found out that someone took a picture of me without knowing and posted it on instagram also i asked a girl out on snapchat and she took screenshots of it and i cut myself on my forearm because of it and i don't think i'm ready for school | 0 |
well fuck, i just found out that my ex step dad was planning to kill my mom and take me. not really sure why i'm posting this here, i guess i just need to get it off my chest and i don't want to put this on the people around me so i'm talking about it on the internet.
my mom and ex step dad were in an on and off relationship for years, practically my entire childhood, married twice, we moved states with him 3 times, stuff like that. they had a habit of getting into really nasty fights, i won't go into detail because i don't think anyone particularly cares. my ex step dad was extremely toxic, and kept my mom in his grasp for years, both my mom and i giving him chance after chance thinking that things would turn out okay.
turns out, our third move of states with him ended in another huge fight. i ended up calling the police on them, and they got there just in time apparently. my ex step dad apparently had a fucking gun loaded and chambered on their bed, my mom had no idea since she was outside just trying to get away from him. he'd apparently been saying stuff along the lines of "she needs to die" and "my family can take care of (my name)"
neither my mom and i knew about any of what he said nor did we know about the gun. this was around the time i was in the 5th grade, keep in mind. so for *years* we were in the dark until it was brought up when his most recent ex wife started raining hellfire on him for the awful shit he'd done and this shit all came to light.
sorry for the long rant, like i said i just needed to get it off my chest and i don't want to accidentally scare/burden my only friend, who's extremely busy and stressed as it is. | 0 |
paul rap song mixtape based on true story hey yo in 1965
i was taking a shit
in trash can
paul mccartney came by
and i fucked him in the ass
but it wasn't gay tho
cause it was paul mccartney
stop calling me gay bro | 0 |
my chest hurts and my health has been dogshit and all they say is that it’s either asthma or anxietyif ai have to go to the hospital again im going to tell them im going to kill myself if they tell me it’s one of those two things and try to send me home i’m fuckig tired of beiny alive | 1 |
nearly everyday people around me will jokingly say they want to kill themselves.and i'm sick of it, "that essay was so long, i wanted to kill myself." all the time people joke about suicide, and when people joke about it i can't help but think, you may be kidding, but i really do want to die; fuck you for joking about it. | 1 |
my depression is the voice in my head that says, "you're not really depressed, you're just a sorry a-hole"it says "you don't have a condition, or a disorder. you're just a lazy, selfish dope who mopes around for attention." when that voice starts going off, that's when i feel the most depressed. isn't it ironic? i don't know whether to believe i have depression or i'm just a whiny little whimp. it's nights like these when i have the creeping sensation that i'm an objectively bad person. | 1 |
bros can someone help me with the assembly of my computer parts i just put in the psu and need help if anyone is computer savvy or has built one themselves pls help me | 0 |
i almost fckd up at work today ok so i work as a forklift driver at sam’s club in mexico, and today while i was stacking some pallets i almost dropped a washing machine from like 7 meters high and i panicked for a second
nothing happened and none of my bosses was there, but yeah, i wanted to tell someone about this and since i haven’t been here for a while, i figured it would be nice to tell you all
my english is kinda bad, sorry if i said anything weird or wrong | 0 |
goodnightyou will never know, what's behind my skull
so won't u say goodnight, so i can say goodbye?
you will never know what's under my hair
so won't u say goodnight, so i can say goodbye?
you will never know, what's under my skin
so won't u say goodnight, so i can say goodbye?
you will never know, what is in my veins
so won't u say goodnight, so i can say goodbye?
won't u go to someone else's dreams?
won't u go to someone else's head?
haven't u taken enough from me?
won't u torture someone else's dreams?
and u will never knowwhat i'm thinking of
so won't u say goodnightso i can say goodbye?
and u will never understand, what i believe
so won't u say goodnight, so i can say goodbye ?
- anathema 21p | 1 |
i just recently realized how shitty my life isi've been dealing with depression for about 10 years now. i started seeing therapists when i was in 8th grade. i really struggled for over a year then it got better (or so i thought). since then i'd always have days where i would feel blue or depressed but it was never consistent and i never really thought about it.
ok fast forward to a little over a year ago. while working at my job alone the store got robbed and i got zip tied and put in the back of the store. i thought that by ignoring it the anxiety and never feeling safe would go away so i started working again 2 weeks after the incident. i did this for about a month until i realized it was just making it worse and sought help. after a few sessions it got to where it wasn't effecting my life as much and stopped going.
this year on the 1 year anniversary of being robbed the anxious thoughts came back worse than before as ptsd after a month of insomnia and being scared 24/7, i go to a behavioral therapist and after a month or so i'm feeling much better ptsd wise.
during the therapy i also talked about stuff that was depressing me. the more i talked about it, the more i realized just how much stuff in my life made me depressed and that i had just repressing the thoughts over the years and i don't know what to do now. all i want to do it's sleep all day and drink or take pain pills but for now i'm being able to control the urges. one bad habit i can't really control sometimes is i'll pic my toenails until they bleed and sometimes i'll just take the whole nail off and the pain is just relaxing.
i'm still seeing the therapist for this stuff but i haven't told her about the nail picking.
the biggest thing that's depressing me is i feel so alone and empty. i've never really had many friends because it's for me to really connect with people. i've had 2 really close friends for pretty much my entire life that i always could rely on but now one's off in the navy and the other has a girlfriend, moved a while away and works 40+ hours at his job so i don't see/talk to them very much anymore. i also can't connect with my parents because they're so controlling and won't listen when i say i dont need help so i don't tell them when anything bothers me and i just can't connect to anyone else like that. i joined a fraternity and i surround myself with people constantly but i still feel alone and i just don't know what to do with my life now. | 1 |
bored, so heres a list showcasing my music taste oh no!--marina and the diamonds
premadonna girl--marina and the diamonds
laughing--the guess who
hot mess--cobra starship
back to the streets--saweetie
kings and queens ||--ava max
freaking me out, bingo players mix--ava max
lonely day--system of a down
creep--radiohead
do i wanna know--the arctic monkeys
beggin--madcon
miss murder--afi
get it up--msi
shut me up--msi
lights out--msi
break my heart--dua lupa
coloradosunrise--3oh3
funhouse--p!nk
girls/girls/boys--panic at the disco
we dont have to dance--andy black
tnks fr th mrms--fall out boy
18--anarbor
love me dead--ludo
cult of dionysus--the orion experience
whipped cream--ludo
heres a few of em, what do you guys think? | 0 |
kinda wanna neck myself but i don’t have the energy or strength to, plus im just a fuckin pussy soi dunno i guess i’ve just lost who i was, i don’t eat, constantly vomit, self harm, panic. adhd medication doesn’t help, just feel tired of being used by people who i think are friends. i’ve got less than a year left of school before college but my grades are not where i want them, and my will to work is so far from my ability to follow through...
for now i just do the shit i need to and sit around wondering what the point is
i just want to reach out to who i was and give them the biggest hug before turning them in a different direction. | 1 |
what difference does it makei wonder if anyone in any other generation has hated their world as much as i do. everything fills me with an inconsolate rage, most especially myself.
why bother with details. un jeune homme instable. bourgeois hunk-of-shit liberal arts major. aimless, shiftless and fundamentally alone.
i am writing this on my phone, in between the errands of an empty existence. a lady in front of me at the grocery looks back and a brief flicker of contempt (or is it pity) dances across her face before she can look away. my keys have already dug deep inside my palm, i clench my fist and the teeth draw fresh blood. i'm tired. tired especially of hiding my sadness, my anger. why should i hide it with a smile any longer? i'm a wounded beast, i should wear my heart on my sleeve.
my illness is genetic. i'm already deeply troubled and i'm young. younger yet than when most people like me suffer their first schizoid break. that possible eventuality hangs over me like the sword of damocles. it's been a while since i first started having suicidal thoughts, at least since puberty, but all the time in the world can prepare you for how loud the soft insistence of a suicidal mind can be.
in this existential prison we call america, it seems to me that our fellow captives oppress us far more than even the most overt domineer. i watch my peers as they shuffle through the motions of life like automatons. normality is no longer something i crave. i guess neither is happiness for that matter. why are they so satisfied with their lives. i'd rather sit here with my broken brain; a schizoid knife cutting through strings of false conciousness to reveal how pathetic our collective existence is. i refuse to revel in my mediocrity.
drugs don't work. therapy is for people who want to reconcile their differences with reality. i do not. i want to take the only agency i have, to reject all this bullshit and kill myself.
i'm sorry for this. it sounds so entitled that i'm disgusted with myself. i guess i just needed something to talk to. i'm gonna call the hotline for the third time this week and try to summon the nerve to make it another a day. | 1 |
would killing yourself on new year’s be considered too cliche?i wanna go out on a new year but i don’t want people to look back on it and think i’m some edgy teenager for doing so. | 1 |
i sometimes feel like i'm just "comic relief" of sortsfor the first time possibly in my life, i've got a decently large group of friends, and we actually do things together. however, it seems like none of them really care about me as a person, and mostly just put up with me because i can make them laugh occasionally. i can never have a serious conversation without people stopping listening to me, or expecting me to turn the whole thing into some sort of joke. i can't shake the feeling that i'm entirely two-dimensional to them. does anyone else ever feel this way? is it my fault for focusing on light subject matter for the early part of our relationship? is there anything i can do to get out of this? | 1 |
"burning every bridge that i cross to find some beautiful place to get lost"i'm 19, male and i have asperger's. sorry i didn't know what to call this so i just went with a song lyric.
i was sexually abused by one of my teachers in school at least once maybe more but i don't really remember. the only "real" person i ever told was a teacher in my second primary school but she didn't believe me and told me "stop lying you horrible child" in reply.
my home life has been mixed my dad was not a very nice person and use to hit me but my mother is a wonderful person as are my sister's and brother. as far as i know my dad didn't hit anybody else in my family.....guess i was just the "lucky" one in that regard and i have not told anybody about my dad hitting me. thankfully my dad left a few years ago.
when i was 17 i started using heroin for about 8-9 months in order to get away from everything but stopped after a friend overdosed.
i started using again a few weeks ago after one of my college lecturers was annoyed at me for missing a day due to it being a relative who passed away's birthday. i was high for like 10 or more days in a row then stopped for 2-3 days but i have been on it every day since i stopped trying to...stop.
three days ago i was passed out after taking some in my family's living room they were not home but one of my friends came around to speak with me because i hadn't been talking with anybody for a few months. she said she looked in the window and seen me face down on the floor with all the things i use for drugs all over the floor as well. i left the door unlocked so she went in and dragged me upstairs to my room and she binned all my drugs.
she has been very emotional the past few days and she keeps coming around to talk with me. she has been trying to talk me into "getting better" and stuff but i just really don't have the fight anymore.
yesterday i went out to jump off of a bridge and i was about to jump when i seen some people leaving flowers and stuff for somebody. i kind of thought that they didn't really need to see somebody do that so i left. i have had suicidal thoughts most of my life but i cant think of any other time when i've felt this...lost or hopeless.
if any one care's enough to read more i posted this when i first started feeling like this again.://redd.it/62v6nz
and i don't know what to end on so....i guess some song lyrics will do.
"what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see
that all i want now is happiness for you and me" | 1 |
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haha y’all there’s 4 fires where i live one is 23 miles away yea no seriously i’m might lose everything thanks to some fucking idiot at this point i’m ready to die | 0 |
pen pal from canada he bailed on me | 0 |
lgbt: becomes socially accepted bi girls: it's free real estate | 0 |
bruh, i wanna post a pic of my puppy but with the weekend thing i have to wait :( very very big big sad sad | 0 |
depression and media consumptioni'm not clinically diagnosed with depression but recently i realized that i don't feel so great when i spend too much time consuming too much media including youtube, reddit, music, etc., sort of in the same way that watching too much porn seems to kill my natural sex drive. can anyone relate? also, how many hours a day do you spend in front of a screen? | 1 |
are you a liberal? filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, and filler | 0 |
i dont want to die i just don't wanna live eitheri opened the window grills, opened the window... i looked out of the window for what seemed like forever... i nearly jumped. i live on the 12th floor so it would have been immediate.
i am terrified of what i might do. i'm terrified because i'm alone at home and i am feeling so lonely tonight. | 1 |
why i'm going to kill myselfi'm an abomination. my body is covered with scars and stretch marks from years of not just neglect, but active malignance. my cesspool genetics left me with nothing exemplary, just this stocky frame where everything’s underdeveloped and nothing works right. i’m quite literally a neanderthal, and i’m naturally repulsive.
there’s a parasite in my psyche that simultaneously outwardly hates, but restricts action. whenever i was subject to any adversity or physical aggressiveness my arms would go limp. my arms would lose their ability and foundation and i’d be left just to take whatever abuse it was. i physically couldn’t fight back. my body prohibited itself. my conscious self can’t trust my body to perform. i can’t trust myself.
the only qualities worth noting aren’t physical, and, no matter how commendable, they all stem from my broken and misguided inhibition.
i hate myself for what i am, what i can't change. it supersedes my train of thought and every decision i make.
| 1 |
imma leave reddit. honestly, reddit is getting very boring now. i don’t have the interest in it anymore than i used too. i also don’t like that fact that a get a ton of creepy pervy messages because im a girl.
so stay safe everyone, and goodbye. | 0 |
my parents don't want me to seek professional helpi snapped and opened up to my parents about my suicidal tendencies. i began telling them that i've been wanting to seek professional help but they just don't believe in that. they believe in the power of counseling via family relatives. /s
i snapped because they were talking about spending this and that, and here i was, with no money to help myself get mentally better. i'm still a college student with no job. i fully depend on them financially. but after telling them that i've been thinking of killing myself daily, they just made it worse. what do i do? is there anyone here relying solely on self-help?
i'm afraid that if i don't get checked soon, i'll just snap and do it. and because of their close-mindedness, i'm tempted to do it just to spite them. | 1 |
what's your favorite "the man who sold the world" version mine is midge ure's one
idk why, i listened to it first, and then david bowie's one, but i likes ure's one more
it makes me feel like i'm in a hospital bed, idk why it has that hospital vibe
but it also feels like you're in a desert with a red scarf on your neck
it's so weird | 0 |
is there hope for this lost soul?delete if not allowed, but i need help. this isn't a throwaway account, this is my first reddit account.
i've felt this way for as long as i could remember. i am 22 years old and i constantly feel suicidal, but regret it later. i've been on medication, but can't keep up with it or doctors appointments. i feel as if i'm a waste. i just don't want to feel anymore. i feel like i done everything. life hurts. i don't amount to anything and have no job. i feel like i lost my chance of living a normal life, to find friends, or even go to college. i don't know. the only that keeps me going is my little siblings, but even then i feel like a disappointment to them. i feel like i've done everything to my ability to make my life good but i end up ruining it. would it really be that bad if i die? hell is what i feel like i deserve. i've lost all my faith, am bi, lazy, fat, i have no work ethic,and my family deserves better. my mother wants me institutionalized for my suicidal thoughts, but that would just be a waste. i feel guilty for using my bed or eating food or even wearing clothing my mother purchased. i'm a mess. is there any hope for me? please i need to know it will get better. | 1 |
i'm going to kill myself soon.this might be a little long, but i guess i just want to get things off of my chest, maybe it'll make someone feel less alone. i don't know.
i'm getting sicker with each passing day, my mental health is deteriorating fast and i don't know how to fix it or make it better anymore. i'm in therapy, i'm trying meds, i tried a change in diet (currently vegetarian, meat makes me puke no matter what it is or how it's cooked), i tried exercise, i tried helping others/those in need, but none of it seems to be working. i'm trying dbt and cbt and everything else my therapist suggests, but i feel like i'm such a lost cause.
i tried reaching out to people who i thought would give somewhat of a shit for me, only to be ignored. i always helped them, you know? when my "friends" mom was in an abusive relationship, i provided my "friend" resources in her area where they can go/who they can contact, etc, and i stayed up late while she freaked out over what was happening. i listened and helped a friend while she was feeling down about herself and everything that was going on, i provided alternatives to therapy (like art or writing or something), and i gave local resources to a friend whose father was abusive towards her, and i do this all the time when they need something. i try and i try and i give and i give, and when i need something, when i need help, it's ignored.
i can't speak to my parents, they'll only lecture and criticize me. when it comes to mental health, they're in serious denial with me (yet, so readily accepted that my brother has ptsd) and think i'm doing it all for attention. i can't tell my therapist or my psychiatrist, i'll be hospitalized and my parents will be notified because i currently live with them.
a few months ago, someone wrote a suicide note and placed me as a blame for them going to commit suicide. because i didn't do what they wanted, because i disagreed with them on something stupid and proceeded to trash me whenever they could. they recently apologized to me, but ya know, there's no coming back from that. everyone else has forgiven them, but i can't.
and now, these "friends" are just outright ignoring me. i don't know what i did, or what i said, i'm just not receiving any responses. it's like i simply don't exist.
and then work is shit because of course it is. it's retail, and we all know what retail is like. i used to kind of like it, my co workers were nice and then we got a new team lead, a new manager and things just went to hell. the tl was talking about my personal problems to another cashier, i was doing the job of eight people and i ended up having a massive breakdown because i hadn't gotten a break yet in seven hour shift, with no chance of getting off because the tl closed everyone but me?? and told my help to go out and cover someone's break and i was starting to get a line. and things have just been absolute hell at work since.
and i've picked up drinking. i don't drink, i don't like alcohol, yet, here i am. drinking to the bottom of the bottle because cutting no longer helps, it just makes me feel so much more miserable. and we'll be putting down my cat soon and i can't take another death in 2018, especially something so important to me. the thought of losing my sweet old lady is the real kicker, and i know it's just a fact of life, but she's the only reason i've held on so long.
and so, so much trauma in my life, so much loneliness. i wasn't meant to be alive, i don't think. it seems whenever i try to be happy, when things go "okay", it can't remain that way for long.
my parents are going out of town soon, and that first day that they're gone, is when i will go through with it. i've been planning this for months now, to be honest.
there, i said it. i'm going to kill myself, and that will be the end of it all. people won't have to put up with me anymore, and everyone will be happy and relieved, and the people who do care will move on, because that's how life works. | 1 |
really desperately need helpi'm totally alone, i'm going to be homeless soon, everything i've worked for in my life is hopeless. i've already been to a hospital, they provided no treatment. i haven't seen a single friend in a month because i do t really have any anymore.
i can't keep doing this, but i have no where to turn to. help | 1 |
i'm just so done with everything.oh look, i'm sitting in bed crying, again.
staring down a laptop screen covered in pdfs i have to read, and an empty word doc i need to fill (term paper due tomorrow, yay)
the counselor i saw twice at my college basically told me today that she doesn't know how to help me.
i have no motivation left to even finish this term, i'm out of fucks to give. i'm just so done. | 1 |
i think i may have figured it out. i am an illusion.i think i might have an "illusion" type personality. it seems that people who only know me for a short time, seem to really like me. it's the people who have known me for a certain length of time that have seen past the illusion and don't respond as well anymore. that explains why i don't keep in touch with any of my best friends from the past, and why i keep getting into these great relationships that start out unbelievably well, and then all of a sudden something unexplainable happens and causes my so to need space and inevitably end it. am i crazy for thinking that i might just be someone who is really likeable for a short amount of time and then once the illusion wears off, i'm not really that amusing? i'll probably delete this in like 5 minutes, but i had to write out the thought somewhere. | 1 |
im leaving im sorry everyone i cant do this anymore im sorry i let u down. idk what to say anymore i just feel nothing but numbness or fucking depression and i want it to stop but no matter what i do it doesnt fucking stop and im just so tired and i cant anymore. im sorry for anyone whos had to read this, but its ok im just another irrelevant post on reddit. fuck i even feel guilt just writing this but i dont even care ive let everyone down already. im just a fuck up and i wouldnt go anywhere in life anyways. again. im sorry. bye | 0 |
i got my first job today!! i was called yesterday for an interview today at 12:00. i just checked my email and i actually got it! i'm just really proud and wanted to share the news :,) | 0 |
so heartbroken..i guess this is the only way i can express myself because i feel a lone... i am a women who has lost something so dear to me... i just lost my first born son at 39 weeks in november for absolutely no damn reason. doctors can't even tell why or what happened to him.. one minute he was fine and then next he was gone just like that. and now my heart burned with him in his ashes and i have no will to live. i am tiered of waking up every day in pain. my son was my world... and losing him has affected my family and even my husband... we aren't the same anymore and i don't know what to do... i don't have anyone to help me... i just wish i could have this pain go way because it's destroying me... | 1 |
so i didn't go to school today today i didn't go to school because frankly, i'm just tired of school shit.
&nbsp;
here's the thing, when i don't go to school, something really important always happens that i can't miss, so i'll keep you updated.
it's currently 8:30am in my country so it'll be a while until school comes out so i can update, but i pray that i don't miss something important... | 0 |
my minds broken and i dont know how to fix itthis is a terrible abyss | 1 |
tf you give me pocket money for, when i can't spend them however i like i just wanna rant honestly
like why. i just want a hoodie and a shirt, and just because it costs about half a year worth of my money, it's worth it. "but it's so expensive, why would you buy something so expensive when you could buy an off brand one"
i get it, you're both cheapskates or whatever it's called, but let me have one thing i would enjoy, please | 0 |
since you asked so nicely u/suckmydickprettyplz i will suck your dick. for 20 bucks | 0 |
could someone please explain this to me?this was the most fitting sub reddit i could find to post this on so here it goes. yesterday after school i was talking with some friends while waiting to get picked up. and all of a sudden i was angry for no reason. it wasn't really an anger that was really directed towards anyone maybe not even myself(i don't remember much i just remember feeling that emotion). all of a sudden the anger was replaced by this wave of sadness. it was so strange and spontaneous. usually at that place and time i would be laughing and talking to my friends, but there i was not talking at all and feeling sad for no reason whatsoever (went on for like 30 or more mins). later on i went into the toilet and i started to cry. it was this uncontrollable crying that went on for about 40 secs. my face was scrunching up and everything. i'm fine now but the strange events yesterday to suddenly just happen at such an unusual manner are bugging me. has this ever happened to anyone else? | 1 |
i won't be able go on with a broken hearti don't know how people who have a very close relationship with their parents can live on without them. i think i was 12 when i decided i will go soon after my mum passes away. i recently found out my sister plans to ctb after she passes as well but that didn't surprise me. it will be like losing a mother and best friend at the same time. | 1 |
it just keeps getting worse...every 10 minutes or so, my mind wanders. eventually in it's wandering, i'll cross a memory of one of oh so very many moments in my life that i'd rather just forget. they're anxiety inducing, they're anger inducing. i snap myself out of it by defaulting to even worse thoughts -- "i fucking hate myself." "i need to fucking die already." "will someone please just fucking shoot me already."
i live alone, so these aren't just thoughts anymore. they're words.
at any rate, the memories aren't ones i haven't talked about. i tried therapy for 2 years and it just made things worse -- it just made me more acutely aware of the bad things in my life that i'd need to remember to talk about.
i'm afraid of antidepressants, because of how many depressed angry people have gone on to live out their depressing, anger fueled fantasies once the low affect has been lifted from their mood. considering how often i tell myself i need to kill myself or be killed, i don't think anti-depressants are a good idea. especially ssris.
i'm 25. i have a shitty job and 3 degrees. i'm about to get another degree. and i'll probably get a few more after that.
i live alone. i have no real friends. the only friend i do have lives with his girlfriend, so when i do hang out, i'm always a bit of a 3rd wheel.
i'm just a fucking downer, and there doesn't seem to be anything i can do about it.
the only thing that works is getting blackout drunk out at bars. i always wake up in a panic -- "i probably made an ass of myself, i never want to show my face in public again," but i always somehow make friends who recognize me later. i rarely recognize them.
i just don't know what to do anymore. things are fucking terrible, my life is passing me by, and i don't really care to be conscious anymore. | 1 |
on the outside i skrrt skrrt on the inside i hurt hurt 😞 | 0 |
good luck on your test next week, mate i’m sure you’ll do ok if you studied | 0 |
we all hate the repost memes for this movie so why not sign this://www.change.org/p/netflix-i-want-netflix-to-remove-the-new-movie-cuties-as-it-promotes-child-pornography?utm_content=cl_sharecopy_24181224_en-ca%3a2&recruiter=44150471&recruited_by_id=6979a4e0-6f49-0130-d232-3c764e04873b&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=psf_combo_share_abi&utm_term=psf_combo_share_initial | 0 |
codependency help i can't help but feel i'm codependent toward a certain friend. he's younger than me, and i think of him as a little brother. although, i have really good friends that i don't feel this way about.
i think this is stemming from my brother passing away years ago, and now that this friend (who is probably unaware how much this is affecting me) talks to me but once a week if that, it's just been causing me to go in certain moods.
i'm not even sure its codependency or separation anxiety or what..i'm sure i would need to input more info which i'm more than happy to do, but i've been reading up on it. right now i can't think straight so this is scattered, and i apologize but i'd really like some help on this type of issue. it's starting to affect my daily life
if anything needs cleared up just ask, i'm willing to put in more info if asked.
thanks | 1 |
why play fall guys when i can play fall me instead | 0 |
depression and drugs and alcohol.it sounds like an oasis lyric in my mind, but it's a fair description of the past 20 years.
i'm currently in drug and alcohol treatment with a local agency in the uk who have assigned me a key worker and are encouraging me through basic cbt work, target-setting and working on self-esteem.
i grew up in a household with an angry father and a complacent mother, both of whom smoked weed all day, every day. my father shouted, my mother submitted. i soaked it up and encouraged my brothers to do the same and hide away while these conflicts played themselves out.
i've suffered from varying degrees of depression most of the way through my adult life. i started noticing the signs in my late teens and symptoms were accentuated during an explosive relationship that resulted in consequences that continue to this day.
i've had time with counsellors and psychiatric nurses over the years, some really constructive, some less so. i know the core of my mental issues; less so the way to express them outside my own mind. i spent three years outside depression after a wonderful period of introspection with a proper qualified counsellor, giving me hope that i can find that again during this recent relapse.
i've often related the cause and effect of my depression with my use of alcohol and weed. effectively i've self-medicated in varying degrees throughout my issues and learned that the best thing for me is to spend all my hours messed-up instead of facing the real challenges that face me.
i don't know for sure why i'm posting here, except i've spent a month or two following reddit and realising that subreddits have the potential for deep, informative input from like-minded experienced folk with important views on life in general.
i'd be really grateful for any words you have that might shine a light on where i am right now and where i can go in the future. the use of weed and alcohol are both component to my wellbeing, except i feel like i've given myself over to both escapes this past month or so, and this is the first timeother than brief chats with my key workerthat i've felt like opening up to anyone.
i'll happily chat with anyone that has questions or observations or directions. maybe i can return the favour one day.
noel | 1 |
please help me think of a graduation quotei’m thinking of doing “poggy woggies” rn | 0 |
worthless in comparison.this is gonna sound jumbled and stupid and really first world problems,but here you go-
i'm the least favorite child. my mum is the one who gets say over everything and my dad might like me, and i know he thinks i'm decent, but he doesn't do anything to stop her. she just yells and makes all these snide jokes about how stupid i am and how i can't compare to my fucking brother, who is so perfect in every fucking way and i can't even do math or computers or anything at all. i'm really really worthless and i don't even want to say anything anymore, because i know that they're all smarter than me and i don't even understand what is going on.
my brother tells me that my family doesn't like me because i'm rude and mean and spiteful but i'm not, because i try to talk to people and yeah i do yell & swear and i'm not the best person ever but at least i try, you know? but then my parents tell me that i'm just a bitch, just some rude asshole and i don't know what to do.
this has all happened before and it will just happen over and over again and i don't know how to make it stop. my friends try to help me but they don't know how deep this goes and how tired and depressed and lonely i am, and i don't want to tell them. they are the only thing keeping me going, and i can't die because i know it would hurt them but i really want to sometimes, and death just seems to be the better option.
i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't see a way out. i'm sorry if this all sounded stupid or anything because i know there are worse problems out there. | 1 |
holy shit why do schools care if you have a fuking hood on like i look soo hot with a hood and they tell me to take it off and i'm just ugly because you can see all the hair i'm trying to grow out 😡😡 | 0 |
fellow teenagers, i am in need of help as you all know nnn is fucking hard and i am trying to figure out a way to cum without cumming. i have no base or direction i wanna go with this study, so if anybody knows how to do that, please tell me | 0 |
tired of being undesirablemy dating life is nonexistent. it is a series of rejections after the first meeting. i’m insecure, inexperienced, without much confidence
i am tired of sayings how society puts pressure to be in a relationship. i don’t feel that, i don’t care. it is my internal desire to be deeply connected with someone that is driving me mad
i could live without relationship if there was any indicator that i have a normal chance of getting into one, of having some options from time to time, of getting any interest from a girls
online advices to learn to live peacefully without romantic life is invalidating my feelings and struggles
i don’t want to live like that, setting some hard deadline for changing the course of life seems to be a good option. that would give me some peace of mind that i won’t be in that state too long, no matter the outcome
despite being overused, 27 yo is a nice number. birthday. a little bit less than 3 years from now | 1 |
the thing about fingerprints. it's widely known that fingerprints are a way of identification, but fingerprints is also why we can hold and grip objects. when you are born without fingerprints, it's called adermatoglyphia. | 0 |
made my decision. the world got just more beautiful and i am happy i'll die.i plan to heavily overdose on acetaminophen and combine it with carbamazepine (initially, i planned to hang myself, but this way of dying is too abrupt and i am afraid of permanent brain damage if someone discovers me early). i will spend my last hours (or daysacetaminophen will probably destroy my liver slowly and the pain is going to be excruciating but i don't care) surrounded by nature. in a forest. the only place that brings me joy.
i am so happy that after so many years i made my decision. it's beautiful.
good luck to everyone else. | 1 |
at the end it seemsi don't know why i'm doing this. i honestly feel like i'm at the end of my road and just want to say my side of the story before i move into whatever exists after life ends. i am 32, and i have been miserable about my life since i was a child. when i was younger, let's say around 8, i was molested. i don't know how common it is to act out sexually after something like that, but i did. i don't know why i never said anything to my parents, they always told me i could tell them if something ever happened but i didn't. after that i was caught experimenting with other males my age and i would get in trouble/beaten for it. somehow this didn't make me stop. when i was 11 some younger cousins,8 and 9, and i had done stuff and the next day i was taken to jail. i didn't quite understand the severity of what was happening until i was put in handcuffs and taken away from my mom and little brother. juvenile hall was terrifying. soon after i was seen by a female lawyer that said i was a pervert and child molester and that i was going tot go to jail. i remember some parts of that conversation so clearly. i remember her saying a doctor had examined the other boys rear ends and it looked like someone had done something to them. it wasn't till much later i realized she meant anal sex, which i didn't know existed since most of what had ever happened was touching. i went to the courthouse the next day, feet and legs shackled together, and took a plea that labeled me as a sex offender until i was 18. i also was made to wear an ankle monitor for a year after and was confined to my yard. when school started the nightmare began, and to be honest i guess i deserved it. i was beaten and treated terribly until i graduated. it was a small country town and everyone knew everyone and most kids spent their entire lives together from kindergarten till graduation. i know lay of y'all think i'm some kind of creep and probably think i deserve this and to kill myself. i don't blame you i have felt the same way since it happened. i never had a real gf, nobody wanted much to do with me. i had a few friends but it always seemed like their interactions with me were so forced. i hated my life so much i tried to kill myself when i was just about 13. time passed and the abuse got worse. when i was 17 i joined the army, yes you can do that you just need your parents to sign a waver. i joined my jr year and went to boot camp shortly after graduation. i finished boot camp and advanced training, came home and got my gf at the time pregnant. i was always uncomfortable around my son because i was always afraid of what people would think. her and i split and after a couple years i met my ex wife. this was a welcome change cause she didn't know anything about my past. i decided to tell her and she said it was a long time ago and that i shouldn't worry. things were good but she cheated on me with her ex be at the time. i figured it was because of my past and maybe she thought she couldn't be with me. it was terrible call because she was the first person i ever knew to know about everything and still want to be with me so i asked her to be with me still and she said yes. time passes on and i finished a deployment to iraq and while i was there i helped save this guy that had fallen while running to safety during a mortar attack. after i returned home i got married and started a job with some military friends. one of them found out about my past and told everyone and for many years i couldn't even bear to go to work because i was treated very badly. i was so depressed i constantly fought at home and eventually i pushed away everyone that remotely cared about me. i don't know why i did it but i did. my ex wife had hurt me at one point but she was with me though thick and thin. she even helped me have a place to stay because every apartment i tried to get for us rejected me based on what i had done when i was 11. i even had to register till i was 28 for some reason. the police department eventually said it was their fault for making me register for so long but that doesn't give me back the years i struggled. because of that i will never be able to b a cop and help those in need. i hate that i can't contribute to society and that my dreams were dead before i ever got a chance to chase them. i have lost everything and i don't see the point of moving forward. maybe i am just a pervert. i had such a good heart and kind soul. i'm just wondering how i'm going to do it. i don't want to live anymore. i've done the best i can to show everyone i wasn't a freak. i'm tired of being alone and miserable everyday with no hope. i just want to die. | 1 |
hi all i wanna die soon in 2 months i guessi am exhausted with my abusive family and recently my abusive ex broke up with mei am in so much pain. i am being accused of eveythn from everywhere. i can deal with this toxic life anymore i need to do something in these 2 months then i will kill myself. | 1 |
so im just gonna have a fat rant about toilets my room is right next to a toilet right? me and my parents share it and it is the worst thing in the world. every now and then at night they wake me up by using the toilet.whats worst is that the neighbours toilet is also connected to my room which means that i have to listen to people shit and piss all fucking day | 0 |
my mom just told me she hopes i kill myselfyeah that's the last straw, i'm leaving this fucking house first thing tomorrow. i don't have a plan yet but fuck it. anything is better than living here, being patronized and yelled at for being depressed. fuck you mom, you molded me into the fucking loser i am today. i just burned myself with a cig, something i haven't done in months. thanks for that.. i blocked your number so i never have to hear your voice again. i hope you have a fucking heart attack you fat piece of shit. | 1 |
there is no point to iti'm so fed up of living like this. my mind is foggy right now and it has been like this for 2 days. i can't even think straight. nobody in my family gives a sh!t about it, they give a sh!t about my life but they don't really care what i do as long as i'm alive even if that means living behind closed door for rest of my life but they're frustrated with this and i can feel it when i talk to them but it could be just my reality.
i didn't make the rules in this society, why should i follow something i didn't create and why should my own family get upset when i don't follow through them?
why am i cursed with this?
i've been having suicidal thoughts every week for past 4 years, only reason i have not acted upon it is because i'm afraid that i'll fail and wake up in hospital surrounded by loved ones. i wouldn't be able to face them if i fail and they find out.
this is crazy. | 1 |
could someone help me?i'm a college student. have tonnes of friends and a family to support me. everything is going fine for me, yet i can't shrug this immense feeling of emptiness that's continually torturing me. despite being in such a fortunate atmosphere, i don't feel the love of my parents and friends, i don't feel the joy of getting good grades on my test, i don't feel... anything really, not even self love. in fact, the only thing i do feel is self hatred... why is thisthis has been happening for a year now... because it's more comforting having this negative feeling, than those fake positive ones...
sometimes i wish i could cry, but even so i can't do that. it's this contained feeling of pain that just won't be released. i even talked to a professional about this, and i was told that i had depression, which was getting worse. inspite counselling, even medication isn't working.
i just don't know where to go now. i don't know where this depression sprung up from. i don't know why i hate myself, but it feels so delightful to see myself in pain. i wonder how suicide feels like? it's getting me curious... but i don't want that.... i just want a solution. i've tried and tried to find something... but i can't find it... could someone help me one last time...? | 1 |
it's time for you to ask yourself the big question #why are all post in r/selfie female selfie ? | 0 |
copy-pasting something i posted earlier. this place feels more appropriate to vent.death has been constantly on my mind recently. after going through most of last year equally, if not more depressed than now, i tricked myself into thinking i was ok. but nothing's really changed. i've just failed yet another semester of courses, my room is still disgusting, i still waste my parents' money, time, and space, and i still feel a constant guilt for being alive, like i've overstayed my welcome. i still don't invest in life, since all i've gotten from it is failure. i don't have any passions or any dreams. any potential i had has been pissed away. trying things is redundant and unrewarding. i know this makes me a selfish coward, but i would do more if there was a way for me to do anything worthwhile. i used to volunteer a lot, and i guess i made myself useful, but that just fell apart i grew more and more detached from everything. i feel like i've become more trouble than i'm worth.
people have suggested therapy, medication, and all that, but where the hell will that take me? i spent several months on anti-depressants, and i was just as useless then as i am now. it again feels like it's more trouble than it's worth. in any case, i've accepted that joy is no longer a possibility for me, since reaching for anything more than the daily grind of bullshit is honestly a waste of time. people say "you're only 18, you're just starting out, you can't give up yet," but honestly, if it's only taken this long and this little to break me, how could i handle anything real and truly challenging?
i've more or less stopped caring, and resorted to damage control, minimizing my negative impact on those around me, since i'm unable to directly contribute anything worthwhile. i spend most of my time isolated, and i've alienated most of my family and friends. i just torture myself in my own head, and it's as pointless as it sounds. my closest friends are moving on with their lives, and interaction with my family has boiled down to the occasional "serious talk" that gets nowhere. i kind of just want everyone to move on, so my leaving won't hurt anybody.
i feel like i'm going through life the same way you get through a shitty movie -- paying attention every once in a while for the odd chance that things could get good, though i know there's nothing redeeming about it.
i made a half-hearted attempt to end it about 10 months ago, and i've been thinking about it again. there's a highway bridge that i cross on the way to school, and every time i cross it the thought of throwing myself off it becomes more tempting. i'm obviously scared of hurting of family, but the selfish part of me is almost as scared of the possibility that i'd survive. i'd have to answer to everyone why i tried to take their son, their brother, their friend away. who would trust me after that? it would be more of the same and then some.
i'm just tired of feeling pointless all the time, like some tumor. more than anything, i want a reason to get up in the morning, some outlet where i can start giving rather than taking. something that makes me feel something other than empty, joyless, and ineffectual. | 1 |
right now im thinking that if i had to summarize my life in 1 word, i might pick 'sad fight'sometimes i feel like i end up fighting so many people | 1 |
how do i tell my crush that i find her really cute without it sounding like i'm just trying to cheer her up? the thing is we're kinda like step-brothers, and she has a low self-esteem over her body, but i find her really cute, like, very much, da vinci has some competence with the masterpiece she is, and i want to tell her that.
i already did once, it was smth like "you're really pretty", an she said "yeah sure...", how can i make it sound genuine? | 0 |
i just need to tell someone 1. the cruciatus curse would probably play a role in bdsm in the wizarding world.
2. furries in the wizarding world would probably be animaguses | 0 |
an analogy on how i view my depression.for me, depression is like a "guardian" who coddles it's child and keeps it away from the world. the "guardian" knows that the relationship is unhealthy, and subconsciously the child does as well, but suffocation and confinement are "necessary" to maintain a feeling of safety and well-being for both parties. for those of us who deal with depression, at least for me personally, i breathe the same air as my "guardian" at almost all times, recycling the oxygen that is necessary for normal function with seemingly no place in my "atmosphere" for the air to go. in this state, i cannot think correctly or profit from a healthy balance like other "normal" people can. bruce lee said, "be water, my friend". a beautiful idea, that put into action, would be life-changing. maybe someday i can be water, but for now i want to be a tree so that i can smash the shit out of carbon dioxide and the other heat-trapping gasses that cloud my mind! | 1 |
yeah i’m a simp > sready
> ito risk it all
> mfor
> p[redacted] | 0 |
ur tellin me theres no place in this city where i can go get crab rangoons right now. this is crap ‼️ umm drawin a blank for the filler here uhhh uhhhhhh ok | 0 |
i'm 16, have a loving family, don't have any money problems either but i still feel empty and want to end my mental miseryi am gay and haven't told anyone. i live in a country where it isn't excepted and i believe and follow a religion which says that people who participate in gay activities should be stoned to death on a tall building and that they will forever rot in hell. but i still firmly follow it.
my family is religious so i feel like they would change their attitude towards me if i came out and i feel like if i do come out and they show any other emotion other than acceptance i'll start begging them to kill me or just kill myself.
i feel like i'm never meant to be happy. forever lonely putting on a mask to prevent people from coming in. its not like i'm never happy... it's just that most times when i feel happy its only temporary and its only a matter of time before i break down again. and then there's college and studies being there to bash me down further. i can't bring myself to start studying and that makes me scared that i will turn into a failure.
i feel like coming out might fix my suicidal urges but there's an equal chance that it might lead to me killing myself...i want to leave this country and be alone but i also love my family too much to leave...and leaving will still only be possible if i can force myself through college and university and actually be able to earn for myself. | 1 |
i'll end this my way.fuck living in this word. i just can't reason out why i would want to wake up tomorrow? i've slipped so far and therapy is a joke. i've never been treated with any kind of respect. i'm always alone. now more than ever. all of my family is dead. last girlfriend cheated on me when my mom was dying in this hospital. before her i was falsely accused of rape. glad her story fell apart and she admitted she lied about it. still lost my job at the time though. don't even know why i'm sad about my mom's death. when my dad died 26 years ago my mom walked out on me. i was only 13 but had lost it all. no one has ever been there for me. i'm all i ever had. all a therapist can say is "that's why you're depressed..." stupid whore i was dating while my mom was dying tried to contact me 2 months after my mom died. she wanted to meet me face to face to apologize. how the fuck is that going to fix the extra grief she caused? how stupid do you have to be to not get how much worst that would make dealing with the death of a parent?
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i live in such a horrible world. i can win thought. i can kill myself. i can end this on my terms. i'm not sharing a place where people that threat me, live. i've wasted enough time and money on therapy. i should have blown my brains out months ago. | 1 |
should i have a brain scan for my depression?i ask this because i became depressed 3 years ago for seemingly no reason. there was nothing really depressing going on in my life and i have always been a very happy and excited person. the depression kind of just happened randomly. i have been taking wellbutrin now for several months and it's been working a bit, a lot better than therapy has which i think is going to be useless for me, so i am wondering if a brain scan could help figure out what further treatment i could get that would help my depression. is it a good idea? | 1 |
i think i am a bad personi don't like sjw because they attack me to imprint their rightful opinion. i mean, couldn't you just calmly explain your point of view and let me decide? no because they are right!!
and that's it. i feel bad because i can't stand these people anymore and this leads me into stereotypising them. like, i see someone saying "i'm male" and i think they must be trans, and that they must be sjw. the sad part is i'm usually right. how am i supposed to listen to people who just scream "if you have a different opinion unfollow me" and i'm not talking about tumblr here. it's everywhere. they're everywhere.
i also feel bad because apparently more and more people are becoming like that and i feel like it's my fault if they attack me, and that i'm not open minded enough. i do 3000 right things and no one cares. i make one mistake and i get killed with words. it's incredible. i want to get out of this world or be reborn as a cat. maybe out of this everything and time and eternity too. feel like i felt until i started remembering things- nothing at all. that way no one can dislike me, no one can yell at me, i can't feel bad for existing and stuff. or sleep all day. that's also good. sorry i needed to vent. | 1 |
i'm (24f) a burden on my family and it's making me suicialhi all, this is my first time posting so i apologize for any mistakes. i have been lurking on this subreddit for a while and thought that since i'm at such a low point in my life it really can't hurt to try and ask for advice.
i live with my single mother (50f) who has stuggled with mental health in the past but has a job at the moment (not very well paid though). my parents divorced when i was very young and i'm keeping some contact with him since i learned how to speak english since my father (55m) is an american citizen (i'm living in a non-english speaking country).
i have always struggled at school and the older i got the more difficulties i started having due to depression which led me to the current situation where i'm 24 and still a second year student at university, retaking the same classes and failing them each year because i just can't force myself to study something that seems meaningless and makes me unhappy. however i see no other alternatives, since frankly nothing makes me happy anymore. i feel nothing except a hollow pit in my stomach and question if it makes sense to continue living multiple times a day. i have been going to therapy for 3 years and it's done jack shit for me. i tried antidepressants and they just gave me a ton of side effects and very little benefit which with the price made them seem not worth it.
my mother wants me to finish my degree and says i will never get a job without it. i can't see myself keep doing this endless cycle of retaking and failing classesfrankly i expect the university to kick me out this time, because it's been going on for so long i don't imagine they'll keep giving me chances.
i'm doing a paid internship at a government agency but it's only until the end of this month. it's my first job. mother says it's less important than my studies. i try to tell her i'm finally doing something that feels like it's actually useful but she keeps shooting my arguments down and telling me i need to focus fully on trying to finish my degree.
like i said, i don't think there's going to be a degree to finish, since i need to write a petition to be allowed to retake classes and i think this time the petition will surely be rejected.
i had an idea to go to a programming course and learn to code since i think having a skill is more valuable than a useless linguistics degree, but she (my mother) says that i will never get a job without a degree and that i'm being a fool. this idea was the only thing that gave me some glimmer of hope and she stomped all over it.
to me this degree feels like it would just be a useless piece of paper i can wipe my ass with.
sorry if this is rambling, i'm having a hard time forcing myself to type this since it just feels so pointless and stupid.
i guess i want to be useful to my mother and support our family but i can't do anything right and all i try to do is worthless so i'm considering just killing myself before everything comes crashing down.
ps. as for my father, he has no idea how bad it is, and since i barely talk to him (only a handful of times per year) he has an idea of what he expects me to do with my life, and that is to be a lawyer which is completely off the table but it's his pipedream he tried to push on me at some point.
\*\*tl;dr;\*\*i want to carry forward in life in such a way that will benefit my family but i'm too depressed to figure out what to do and mother is not giving me suggestions that i feel i can abide by; how do i solve this? | 1 |
the real reason i ride a motorcyclei'm 20. finished college and working full time. have no friends and terrible social skills. struggled with depression since high school. the greatest day of my life was august 12, 2016. i bought a motorcycle because i couldn't afford a car for my new job.
everyone keeps telling me to stop riding. they tell me it's dangerous and i'll get myself killed. they don't know that my bike has given me a reason to live despite the daily near death experiences.
i know that it's going to kill me one day. i know it's going to take my life before i ever will. for some reason, that's given me a sense of joy. i stopped worrying about the little things in life. stopped obsessing. whenever i start to worry, i go for a joyride and everything is okay.
thought i'd throw this out there. if you're depressed. try a motorcycle! it's cheaper than therapy or drugs and it'll save you tons of money on insurance, gas, and maintenance. | 1 |
talk me into it or talk me out of iti've thought vividly about suicide several times a day, probably every day for the last two years. there was not one negative event in my life, like a death or a breakup or something "appropriate", that triggered this. rather, the most depressing aspect of my whole situation is that i think the descent into listlessness, misery and suicidal ideation has been brought on by the onset of adulthood and an increasingly lucid view of where my life can go from here. the lucid view is not pretty.
when i think about killing myself, really visualize enacting plans i've conceived (they aren't creative and are usually variations of things like jumping off a building or eating a bullet...bldg would be easier), i don't feel a sense of serene anticipation like this is going to be ablissful release. i feel immense grief/loss. there used to be things i loved in life and *i still love them* from afar but can't experience them anymore. and there are so many things i wanted to do. when i think about dying, this is how it weighs, not good.
but then i think about living another day, and how it's been years since i've been happy and most days i'm actively unhappy. i think about my future: getting old and fat and losing all my dignity in society, losing all my friends, getting passed over for partnership at my law firm, root canals when lazy dental hygiene catches up with me, the incredible haglike methface that will settle on me when i'm too indifferent to laser and botox and refinish myself, getting sick and having gross embarassing medical problems, paying taxes every year and never accomplishing anything while people i went to college with accomplish more. being a disappointment, which is the worst feeling in the world, *until* you're no longer a disappointment because people never notice you in the first place and it never occurs to them to expect anything impressive. feeling utterly alone.
i need to shit or get off the pot. i need some reason to believe things will get better (i'm concerned i'm too wise to delude myself that that's likely to be the case). without a credible reason, i really can't think of a more rational coruse than suicide. i've tried drugs, but they are just an inconvenient-to-obtain, side-effects-ridden series of fleeting diversions. i don't like drinking very much so i cant resort to that.
i want to be happy. but in all likelihood i'm going to be sad for the rest of my life. better to not be sad. | 1 |
should i make manwich or shoot myself in the head?in the last month i lost my job and my wife left me. i quit smoking weed about nine days ago both to simplify the job search and to give myself some clarity to process everything. fucked up thing is, even sober i seem to find myself thinking about doing it more and more often. tuesday night i broke my hotline cherry, twelve minutes on the phone bought me another chance at life. tonight i had a brief staring contest with my glock 19, but it's back in the nightstand for now. i hate living without a partner. it took so long to find her and i can't imagine rebuilding what we had together over those six years. i feel totally lost on the job front as well because i just spent three years getting a graduate degree to do a job it turns out i hate too. every morning that i didn't kill myself, i'm glad i didn't, but it's hard to hold onto that when i just don't want to feel this shit anymore. i used to numb a lot of things with the weed, and facing this all head-on, dead-ass sober is brutal. not really sure why i'm writing this, but there's nobody in my family i could say this too without ending up in a hospital and that's the last fucking thing i want right now. | 1 |
what if i said... i said the n-word?.?.?.?.?
miss obama get down! | 0 |
y tho i still don't get this talk about relationship stuff idk y | 0 |
silent helltrigger warning) part 1 manifestoin this depressing night i have decided to write a manifesto because iam feeling totally lostlosing all hope ... in this point like this or not like i don't really care because i know you won't care anywayfirstly iam in the shock that how this stupid life works and all of is a just dope show like stucking in the place where you are never belongwhere you didn't disturbwhere you will never choose ... it is feels like something or someone forsing you play the video game you hate most and worst thing is you can't create your own characterwhere you will spawn or choosing difficultyworst thing is there is no dlcs to save your asseverything is pay to winan iam askingwhat kind of sadistic psychopath would create a game that everyoneeverything suffers relentlesslysometimes you can understand ,aware that you are in a video game but it is already scripted so you can't change it ...
it is worst game you will ever see and unfortunately you won't get a refundfrom 0 -18 it is free trial but don't worry you will still sufferyou will feel the agony burning inside of you
you are not pain freedon't look for cheat codes because there is noneand this game's name is :
silent hellyes it is all starts when you are born and you see welcome to hell title on the screen than you start weeping .
you can ask who is controlling me than we won't know but probably he or she is a sadistic bastard ... it is name is silent hell because when you are downwhen you are sad or when you sad no one understands yougets you says i love you
you feel lostdepressedsuffer and burning in your own hellno matter what you dohow you look down no one else gives a laidhelpsno one fucking cares or notices that's why it is name is silent hell ...
if you know universe of silent hill games that the protogonist founds himself or herself in a chaotic foggy world that surrounded with the demons
yeah it is not bad actually for me because atleast dealing with those creatures easier than dealing with the fucking people because you know those creatures intendthey are not torturing you mentally so if you are a doomguy type you can beat them all but about solving fucking puzzles i don't knowso which one would be more easier?dealing with life& people or army of unholy monsters honestly i would choose monsters because i know humans creepier than them ...
anyway enough that empty talking i am not mad at my life or what i haveeverything is just too fucking unfairpainfull and i can't take it anymoreiam not strong enough to handle this
i am really trying my best but i am always found myself in the point that where i have started ...
some people gets what they want or they disurb but iam notiam a still a fucking loseriam sick of playing this unfair game ...
like becoming crossed and feeling agonizing pain in your all being.
( this manifesto doesn't mean i will shoot a place or a persononly person gonna die is me ...) | 1 |
i feel like such a hateful piece of human waste that i don't deserve help or sympathy.i am hateful. even my mother has told me so. she really doesn't like me so much, yet stays as decent as she can because she wants what is best for my toddler and knows both of his parents are incompetent at best. she is a strong woman, and has made her mistakes similar to the ones i have made, yet made it through due to her denial that her bad decisions were actually her fault. i never realized how right she was until the last few years. i am selfish. i care little for others unless i feel they care about me. it is so bad, that when i go out in public, it takes very little for me to get angry. if i back out of my parking space and have to wait for another vehicle, i'm pissed that they were there. if someone is driving behind me too close, i'm pissed that they are rushing me, so on and so on. i see the world as selfish and self motivated, callous and cold, judgmental and phony. i am so indifferent to the rest of the world that i am unable to have a normal bond with any member of my family, including my teenage son who lives with his dad or my older brothers who live mostly normal, fulfilling lives. i know i love my toddler and i want him to be healthy and happy, but i frequently only half ass my care towards him because i lack the motivation to give a shit. i have isolated myself from anyone who tries to be my friend, old or new. i cannot hold a job because i immediately dislike at least one person around me and my attitude or mouth gets me in trouble. i could give a thousand more examples but maybe you get the picture. are these issues a sign of major depression, or is my existence on this planet a big fucking oops? | 1 |
just need to venti have a feeling this is going to be pointless, but i'm really feeling down and i want to get everything out..
i'm an 18 year old female. i have a great family, great friends, and a great girlfriend. so why am i so miserable?
i used to love life. everything about it was so exciting. my life was a blank canvas and i was just getting started on my masterpiece. i was going to be a doctor; i was going to be someone important, someone to be remembered. that's not even important to me though. i just want to help others, but i can't even help myself.
i'm stuck in a hole and i can't seem to claw my way out. i think i have a hold on something and i just fall back in. i thought maybe my girlfriend could pull me out, but i just push her away. i push everyone away.
a lot of my anxiety and depression comes from growing up.(maybe i'm just a whiny kid) i just can't do it. i don't have a license, a high school diploma, a job; i don't have anything. i can't do anything. i try to straighten everything out at once and it just puts too much stress on me. i need to focus on one thing at a time but i'm the worst fucking procrastinator ever.
this is the kind of thing i should be able to talk to my girlfriend about. i can't though. i'm too ashamed to admit it to her. i guess she just probably thinks i'm a loser. she moved out today. she says she doesn't trust me. just another problem that i don't know how to fix. all of my relationships are fucked. all of my goals and dreams are fucked. i feel so pathetic and helpless; lost and lonely, and i'm just making myself that way.
i guess i'll just stop there. i don't even know what else to say. there's too much on my mind. if you have read this far then i honestly appreciate it. | 1 |
rantto dad
if i could be born again, id still choose this life. id be fine with living every single fucked up thing all over. id live it over and over and over and over again. i wouldnt even hesitate. but only you. i would make sure you are not my dad. you make me sick. every day i wish if someone could radicalize you so u can leave us alone and go die somewhere in the middle east. | 1 |
i love when men message me like "ur so hot wow" while i'm sitting in my bed with no sheets in the same sweatpants and hoodie i've been wearing all week with my hair in a bun because it's so dirty because i haven't showered in a week with old makeup on my face
mmmmmmmm avolition | 0 |
i originally wrote this for a creative writing class, but i didn't get the courage to turn it in. i didn't want it to go to waste.
i slammed the door behind me. i threw my bag to the ground and myself along with it. i learned against the wall and held my face in my hands.
“hi there.” a voice said. i looked up, and there he was, sitting cross-legged on my living room couch.
“did you miss me?” he smirked and took a breath through his cigarette.
i didn’t say anything. i didn’t want this to happen. not here. not now.
“oh, so now you’re ignoring me!” he yelled. he stood up and walked right in front of me. i stood too, and looked up at him. he seemed so much taller from last time.
he blew smoke in my face. i coughed and turned towards the door, ready to leave.
he laughed. he was already blocking the door.
“what are you gonna do, run?”
“get out.” i said, pretending to be bigger than i was.
the expression on his face changed from playful malice to anger.
“what did you say?” he dropped his cigarette and put it out with his shoe. i noticed the gun in his hand as he walked towards me, practically pushing me up against the wall.
“i don’t take orders from you,” he whispered. he held the gun to my head. “kill yourself.”
i closed my eyes and i suddenly became very aware of my breathing. i kept waiting for the gunshot to go off, but the room stayed silent.
i opened my eyes and felt myself holding a gun to my head. he was gone.
but really, he’s never gone. he is me.
---
i just didn't want to raise suspicion haha. | 1 |
i want to kill myself but on the other side i donthelp i dont know what to do | 1 |
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This dataset contains a collection of posts from Reddit. The posts have been collected from 3 subreddits: r/teenagers, r/SuicideWatch, and r/depression.
There are 140,000 labeled posts for training and 60,000 labeled posts for testing. Both training and testing datasets have an equal split of labels.
This dataset is not mine. The original dataset is on Kaggle: https://www.kaggle.com/datasets/nikhileswarkomati/suicide-watch/versions/13
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