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jerry_seinfeld_dialogues

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GEORGE

Abort! Abort!

JERRY

Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?

GEORGE

That was very real.

JERRY

She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.

GEORGE

Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?

JERRY

Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?

GEORGE

You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.

JERRY

No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.

GEORGE

Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?

JERRY

No, she looks completely normal.

GEORGE

Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.

JERRY

You think she's got toes for thumbs?

GEORGE

How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

Hands a little smelly?

JERRY

Why do I seek your counsel?

ELAINE

Well I'm going to hell.

JERRY

That seems about right.

ELAINE

According to Puddy.

JERRY

Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--

GEORGE

(To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.

JERRY

What do you care? You don't believe in hell.

ELAINE

I know, but he does.

JERRY

So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.

ELAINE

Well, relationships are very important to me.

JERRY

Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.

SOPHIE

I move my knight... here. Check.

JERRY

They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.

SOPHIE

Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?

JERRY

Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.

SOPHIE

Bought the farm?

JERRY

Tractor!

SOPHIE

This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.

JERRY

Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.

GEORGE

A scar?

JERRY

A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?

GEORGE

A tractor.

JERRY

I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.

GEORGE

I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.

JERRY

She doesn't have toe thumbs.

GEORGE

Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--

JERRY

Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?

GEORGE

(to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?

JERRY

Never.

SOPHIE

You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.

JERRY

Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.

SOPHIE

How could you know?

JERRY

(putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.

KRAMER

Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.

JERRY

Hey, hey! I'm with someone.

SOPHIE

Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

JERRY

You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??

SOPHIE

But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

JERRY

(walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.

GEORGE

I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.

JERRY

First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody.

KRAMER

Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..

JERRY

(Sarcastic) You better hurry.

KRAMER

Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

JERRY

(Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

KRAMER

Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.

JERRY

She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?

KRAMER

(Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.

JERRY

(Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.

KRAMER

Oh? Who's Leo?

JERRY

Uncle Leo.

KRAMER

Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..

JERRY

Did I just see that?!

GEORGE

They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.

JERRY

(Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.

GEORGE

They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!

JERRY

(Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

GEORGE

I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-

JERRY

(Cutting him off) Thank you very much.

GEORGE

Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?

JERRY

I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.

GEORGE

(Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!

JERRY

Sleeping in the caragain?

ELAINE

Cocktail flu.

JERRY

(Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..

ELAINE

Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!

JERRY

(Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?

ELAINE

(Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?

JERRY

(Confused) What's your position?

ELAINE

(Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.

JERRY

(Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.

[Setting

Jerry's apartment]

JERRY

(Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?

KRAMER

Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!

JERRY

(Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.

KRAMER

Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..

JERRY

(Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.

NEWMAN

He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!

JERRY

Yes, it can.

NEWMAN

It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.

JERRY

So, who's gonna pull this thing?

KRAMER

(Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.

JERRY

(Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?

KRAMER

They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!

JERRY

(Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

LEO

Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

JERRY

So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

LEO

I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

JERRY

(Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

LEO

What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.

JERRY

(Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

LEO

Why didn't ya say hello?

JERRY

Because you were too busy stealing a book.

LEO

(Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

JERRY

(Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

LEO

Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

JERRY

Who, criminals?

LEO

Senior citizens. No big deal.

JERRY

You could get arrested.

LEO

Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?

JERRY

(Pleading) Leo..

LEO

Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

JERRY

(Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

GEORGE

(Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!

JERRY

(To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..

GUARD

Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

JERRY

(Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

GAURD

(Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.

JERRY

'51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

GUARD

You're under arrest.

JERRY

(To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

LEO

Jerry, you ratted me out?!

JERRY

(Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?

[Setting

Jerry's apartment]

JERRY

Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.

HELEN

Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

JERRY

(Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.

MORTY

She's got priors.

JERRY

(Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?

MORTY

Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.

JERRY

(Confused) What does that mean?

HELEN

Nobody pays for everyting.

JERRY

(Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!

MORTY

Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.

JERRY

Mom, you too?

HELEN

Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

JERRY

Alright, I'll talk to you later.

KRAMER

(While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.

JERRY

(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.

NEWMAN

We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.

JERRY

To the Idiotmobile!

[Setting

The Coffee shop]

JERRY

So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?

ELAINE

That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-

JERRY

(Butting in) Tina Turner?

GEORGE

Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!

JERRY

Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?

GEORGE

I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.

JERRY

(Stern on George) Not underpants.

ELAINE

Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

JERRY

(Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

LEO

(Bitter) Jerry.

JERRY

(Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.

LEO

(Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!

JERRY

(Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

GEORGE

You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.

JERRY

Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?

GEORGE

(Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.

JERRY

(Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.

GEORGE

Simmer!

JERRY

That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-

GEORGE

(The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?

JERRY

I don't read in the bathroom.

LEO

(Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

JERRY

Hello?

ELAINE

Hey, it's me.

JERRY

Uncle Leo?

ELAINE

(Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?

JERRY

Nightmares. You?

ELAINE

Eat your soup!

JERRY

You're not feeding him, are you?

KRAMER

Hey, buddy.

JERRY

(Scared) Ah! Kramer!

KRAMER

I thought I heard you.

JERRY

Get out of here!

NEWMAN

(From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.

JERRY

Will everybody please leave?!

NEWMAN

It's entirely possible.

JERRY

I want everyone out!

NEWMAN

(To Jerry) Good night.

JERRY

(Bitter) Good night, Newman.

ELAINE

Great.

JERRY

(To Elaine) So, the worst is over?

ELAINE

Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.

JERRY

Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.

ELAINE

(Leaving Jerry) See ya.

JERRY

(To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

[Setting

Bookstore]

JERRY

George? What are you doin' here?

GEORGE

I can't sell the book. It's been marked.

JERRY

(Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.

GEORGE

So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.

JERRY

(Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?

MANAGER

Did you want to speak with the manager?

JERRY

Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..