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GEORGE | I got a message from the Rosses at work today. | JERRY | Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them? |
GEORGE | At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death. | JERRY | Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly. |
ELAINE | OK. | JERRY | Still no Puddy? |
ELAINE | Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think? | JERRY | What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal? |
ELAINE | What black guy? | JERRY | Darryl. He's black, isn't he? |
GEORGE | No, he isn't. | JERRY | Isn't he, Elaine? |
GEORGE | I thought he looked Irish. | JERRY | What's his last name? |
GEORGE | That's not Irish. | JERRY | I think he's black. |
GEORGE | No, it isn't. | JERRY | Why not? |
GEORGE | Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here. | JERRY | If he's black. |
ELAINE | Is he black? | JERRY | Does it matter? |
ELAINE | No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know. | JERRY | Oh, so you need to know? |
WAITRESS | Should I take that? | JERRY | (getting out his wallet) Uh, one second. |
GEORGE | Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go. | JERRY | House in the Hamptons? |
KRAMER | (enters) Well. | JERRY | Hey. |
KRAMER | Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate. | JERRY | Wow. What are we celebrating? |
KRAMER | Uh, you remember my coffee table book? | JERRY | With the little legs? |
GEORGE | Oh. | JERRY | How much are they payin' you? |
KRAMER | Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while. | JERRY | That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while. |
KRAMER | Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring. | JERRY | From what? |
KRAMER | From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do. | JERRY | (seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that? |
MORTY | (Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha! | JERRY | It's 530 in the morning! |
HELEN | We let you sleep in. | JERRY | (handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday. |
MORTY | Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents. | JERRY | What does that mean? |
MORTY | Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector. | JERRY | Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer. |
MORTY | This looks like too much money. | JERRY | Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks. |
MORTY | You think it's hot? | JERRY | Could be. |
HELEN | I'm right here. | JERRY | And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator. |
MORTY | So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip? | JERRY | Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner. |
KRAMER | (entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here? | JERRY | Kramer, what are you doing here? |
KRAMER | Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it. | JERRY | Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die. |
KRAMER | Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom. | JERRY | If you feed him, he'll never leave. |
KRAMER | (immaturely) I guess. | JERRY | I can't believe this. |
MORTY | (eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator. | JERRY | Dad, it's got lots of other functions. |
MORTY | The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound? | JERRY | (looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents. |
HELEN | Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections. | JERRY | Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo. |
HELEN | Even so, the press would bury him! | JERRY | What press? |
OLD MAN | (coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor. | JERRY | She's fifty. |
ELAINE | No, but... it is very nice to know. | JERRY | (in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know. |
ELAINE | (in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way. | JERRY | (as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations. |
ELAINE | Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo? | JERRY | Yeah, it's all my father's doing. |
ELAINE | Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against? | JERRY | Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair. |
GEORGE | (to Elaine) What are you doin' here? | JERRY | (overhearing the other two Elaine, Elaine-- |
ELAINE | (to George) I'm gettin' his mail. | JERRY | (overhearing the other two) Oh, no. |
GEORGE | (taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail? | JERRY | George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak. |
GEORGE | What about the mail? | JERRY | This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George. |
GEORGE | Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts! | JERRY | (in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different. |
KRAMER | Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m. | JERRY | You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner. |
KRAMER | Well, I couldn't find my shoes. | JERRY | Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules. |
KRAMER | All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh? | JERRY | Wizards! |
KRAMER | Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board. | JERRY | Kramer... |
HELEN | (running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket! | JERRY | Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards. |
KRAMER | Well, what about your deal, huh? | JERRY | I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do? |
KRAMER | Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy. | JERRY | Down here? |
KRAMER | (having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is. | JERRY | Aw. |
MORTY | This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard. | JERRY | A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me! |
MORTY | Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? | JERRY | Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars. |
MORTY | You didn't have a deal? | JERRY | No deal. Not hot. |
KRAMER | (getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York. | JERRY | Dad, I'm sorry. |
MORTY | You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?! | JERRY | It does other things! |
GEORGE | I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me. | JERRY | And then? |
GEORGE | I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns. | JERRY | Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off. |
GEORGE | I can't just leave. | JERRY | That's the way they do it in Vegas. |
GEORGE | You never played Vegas. | JERRY | I hear things. |
ELAINE | So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something? | JERRY | It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets. |
ELAINE | Yes, he is lazy. | JERRY | Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons. |
ELAINE | Yes, he is dumb. | JERRY | So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious? |
GEORGE | Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo. | JERRY | No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's. |
GEORGE | No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you. | JERRY | Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her. |
ELAINE | Quiet! So where is this Sophie? | JERRY | Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes. |
ELAINE | How long have you two been together? | JERRY | I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her? |
MICKEY | Hey Jerry. | JERRY | Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker. |
KRAMER | A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it. | JERRY | What's with the fake sneezing? |
MICKEY | They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig. | JERRY | Do medical schools actually do this? |
KRAMER & MICKEY | HUAAHHH!! | JERRY | I think the phone is ringing. |
KRAMER & MICKEY | HUAAHHH!! | JERRY | Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff? |
KRAMER | Mickey, DTs. | JERRY | Hello? |
SOPHIE | Hey. It's me. | JERRY | Elaine? |
SOPHIE | No, it's me. | JERRY | George?? |
SOPHIE | Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice. | JERRY | Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian. |
KRAMER | You got any Ipecac? | JERRY | Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this. |
KRAMER | No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin. | JERRY | Did he overdose? |
GEORGE | I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone. | JERRY | What did you do the rest of the day? |
GEORGE | I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right? | JERRY | And a bit of a tramp if you ask me. |
GEORGE | Jerry, do you have any fishsticks? | JERRY | No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person? |
GEORGE | I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore. | JERRY | I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today. |
ELAINE | "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature? | JERRY | I thought so. |
GEORGE | They? The Government? | JERRY | No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it. |
ELAINE | What was that? | JERRY | Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note. |
KRAMER | See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing. | JERRY | Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row. |
KRAMER | Gonorrhea! | JERRY | One message. Hope it's not from you. |
ANSWERING MACHINE | "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back." | JERRY | Sophie. |
GEORGE | She's still doing that? | JERRY | Yep. |
GEORGE | Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo. | JERRY | I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". |
GEORGE | What the hell is a gander, anyway? | JERRY | (picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me. |
SOPHIE | Hey Raef. | JERRY | (to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef. |
GEORGE | Good, let her think it. | JERRY | (into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on? |
GEORGE | Ask about you, ask about you. | JERRY | So, uh, how are things with Jerry? |
SOPHIE | Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story. | JERRY | Right, right, the tractor story. |
SOPHIE | Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny. | JERRY | I sound funny? |