previous_character
stringlengths 2
334
| previous_dialogue
stringlengths 1
864
| character
stringclasses 1
value | dialogue
stringlengths 2
1.88k
|
|---|---|---|---|
GEORGE | Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself? | JERRY | No, you don't have to buy anything. |
GEORGE | I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me! | JERRY | I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it? |
GEORGE | I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked. | JERRY | Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it! |
GEORGE | Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend. | JERRY | Your good friend is morbidly obese. |
GEORGE | Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse. | JERRY | It's not a purse. It's European! |
KRAMER | All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back. | JERRY | All right. |
KRAMER | There you go. | JERRY | How do I look? |
GEORGE | My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster! | JERRY | Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat. |
SILVIO | That is your coat? | JERRY | It sure is. |
SILVIO | Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention. | JERRY | That's true. |
KRAMER | Jerry, you forgot your purse. | JERRY | Oh, thanks. |
KRAMER | Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy. | JERRY | Maybe this isn't my coat. |
ELAINE | Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat. | JERRY | No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy. |
KRAMER | That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife. | JERRY | Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall! |
COP | Your what? | JERRY | The...black, leather...thing with a strap. |
COP | You mean a purse? | JERRY | Yes, a purse. I carry a purse! |
ELAINE | Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies. | JERRY | He should have had a reverse peephole. |
PUDDY | Hey, Babe. | JERRY | Hello? Hello? |
PUDDY | All signs point to 'Yes!' | JERRY | So your saying UNICEF is a scam? |
KRAMER | It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change. | JERRY | Oh! No it's Sally Weaver. |
KRAMER | Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh? | JERRY | No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress. |
KRAMER | Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh! | JERRY | Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing. |
KRAMER | Euh.. We don't go to enough theater. | JERRY | She should just give up. |
KRAMER | Why don't you just give up? | JERRY | Kramer!!! |
KRAMER | At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us? | JERRY | So......Susan's dead..... |
KRAMER | I think she was happy someone finally said it. | JERRY | Why'd you have to say anything to her? |
KRAMER | 'felt that the conversation was lagging. | JERRY | Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut? |
ELAINE | You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have. | JERRY | What did you wanna be? |
ELAINE | I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this. | JERRY | I don't either. |
ELAINE | Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office. | JERRY | It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there. |
GEORGE | try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute. | JERRY | You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her? |
ELAINE | Jerry, She looks exactly like you. | JERRY | She does not. |
ELAINE | Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care. | JERRY | Hey! Kramer. |
KRAMER | hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life. | JERRY | What! You're the one who ruined her life. |
KRAMER | Well that's not how she remembers it. | JERRY | Well, I got to talk her out of this. |
KRAMER | I thought you said she stinks | JERRY | She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry. |
KRAMER | Aahh...Who's Janet? | JERRY | George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk. |
KRAMER | yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though. | JERRY | What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I |
KRAMER | Well how should I have "broached the subject" | JERRY | You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut. |
KRAMER | Well sounds like someone's having a bad day. | JERRY | Yeah! Because of you. |
KRAMER | Well, I think one of us should leave. | JERRY | Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me. |
SALLY | (nods) Hehumm!! | JERRY | You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic. |
SALLY | Really? | JERRY | Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks.. |
SALLY | Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties. | JERRY | All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else. |
SALLY | Right!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food) | JERRY | NOW!!!!.... (she leaves in a hurry) |
ELAINE | Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. | JERRY | Oh! I think we're at the bottom. |
GEORGE | What does that mean? | JERRY | Yeah. What does that mean? |
ELAINE | Enjoy. (she leaves) | JERRY | Elaine huh?.. She's completely.. |
GEORGE | Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?.. | JERRY | No.... |
GEORGE | Why would I... | JERRY | It's ludicrous.. |
GEORGE | Yes. | JERRY | For either one of us.. |
GEORGE | No... | JERRY | So... |
GEORGE | Exactly. | JERRY | I'm not gay. |
GEORGE | Where's the crazy man, Come on up. | JERRY | Come on in here. |
GEORGE | Haaaaaa!!! | JERRY | What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us. |
KRAMER | I've made an important life decision. | JERRY | Lets talk about that. |
KRAMER | I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again. | JERRY | Yeah right. |
GEORGE | Silence YES!! | JERRY | Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking. |
KRAMER | Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch. | JERRY | Well what does this mean? |
KRAMER | That's the idea. | JERRY | Kramer there's no way you stick to this. |
KRAMER | (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!! | JERRY | Oh! you just startin' now? |
ELAINE | Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others | JERRY | Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show? |
SALLY | No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me,oKay, a tear. | JERRY | Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence) |
SALLY | Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally, You stink, You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet. (big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up) | JERRY | (to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!! |
ELAINE | She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing. | JERRY | Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks. |
ELAINE | Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker. | JERRY | The New Yorker? |
ELAINE | Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE.... | JERRY | Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew |
ELAINE | Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber. | JERRY | Nodding off... |
ELAINE | ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons. | JERRY | Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw. |
ELAINE | I do to. | JERRY | What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves) |
ELAINE | It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane. | JERRY | Where did you see that? Those are private!!! |
SALLY | Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me? | JERRY | No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil. |
SALLY | Well...That is the title. | JERRY | I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it. |
SALLY | You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey. | JERRY | You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater) |
NEWMAN | Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times.. | JERRY | What a surprise. |
SALLY | Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know, Hands Across America. | JERRY | There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her |
SALLY | ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating... | JERRY | Get Out of my House!!. |
ELAINE | Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon. | JERRY | I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out. |
ELAINE | That is not the point. | JERRY | some mouthwash, a hat, something. |
ELAINE | Just read it! | JERRY | (glances at it) Pretty good. |
ELAINE | Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny. | JERRY | It's a pig at a complain department. |
ELAINE | And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint. | JERRY | I get it. |
ELAINE | Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint. | JERRY | How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye. |
ELAINE | Everything with you has to be so .. jokey. | JERRY | I'm a comedian. |
ELAINE | I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real. | JERRY | Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks. |
ELAINE | I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver. | JERRY | oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this. |
ELAINE | The pig says "my wife is a slut." | JERRY | Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and.. |
SALLY | To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...(censored beep)...You | JERRY | How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly. |
GEORGE | George is in big trouble.... | JERRY | You ripped off a Ziggy? |
ELAINE | It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today? | JERRY | I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real. |
ELAINE | Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave) | JERRY | Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing. |
SALLY | (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me. | JERRY | That's right sister. Why don't you just give up? |
SALLY | ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues.. | JERRY | Elaine, have you been talking to her? |
SALLY | Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone? | JERRY | (to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking?? |
KRAMER | ...All right ..Starting now...... | JERRY | You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short? |
GEORGE | like that (looking at Jerry) | JERRY | You mean like.. (points to his hair) |
GEORGE | ..That. | JERRY | So she.. |
GEORGE | Yes.. | JERRY | And you don't... |
GEORGE | Nooo... | JERRY | So... |
GEORGE | Exactly.. | JERRY | Hmmmm... |