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DENIM VEST | Hi! | JERRY | Hi, I'm Jerry. |
GEORGE | Hey. | JERRY | Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks? |
GEORGE | Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today. | JERRY | Didn't you call in sick yesterday? |
GEORGE | Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing "We don't care, and it shows." | JERRY | (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here? |
GEORGE | Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley. | JERRY | See? You give, and you get. |
GEORGE | (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."? | JERRY | Oh, that's nice. |
GEORGE | I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!" | JERRY | To a children's charity! |
ELAINE | Hey! | JERRY | Hey. |
ELAINE | (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later. | JERRY | "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there? |
ELAINE | I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain. | JERRY | What does that mean? |
GEORGE | It's nothing, stop it.. | JERRY | When George was growing up.. |
GEORGE | (Interrupting) Jerry, No! | JERRY | His father.. |
GEORGE | No! | JERRY | Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday. |
GEORGE | (pleading) Alright.. | JERRY | And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? |
GEORGE | Jerry! Stop it! | JERRY | And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? |
ELAINE | Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest! | JERRY | So? |
ELAINE | I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it! | JERRY | No, you walk out. |
ELAINE | Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it. | JERRY | No, you wait for the movie! |
ELAINE | (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub. | JERRY | You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now. |
KRAMER | (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show! | JERRY | So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it? |
KRAMER | (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work. | JERRY | What strike? |
KRAMER | Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked. | JERRY | You? |
ELAINE | Worked? | JERRY | Bagels? |
KRAMER | Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door) | JERRY | Why didn't you ever mention this? |
TIM | Hey, Jerry. | JERRY | Hey, Tim. |
TIM | What's up? | JERRY | Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party. |
GWEN | Jerry.. hi. | JERRY | Gwen? |
GWEN | Yeah. | JERRY | (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really? |
GEORGE | So, attractive one day - not attractive the next? | JERRY | Have you come across this? |
GEORGE | Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face. | JERRY | (Relating) Like the Batman villain? |
GEORGE | (Annoyed) If that helps you.. | JERRY | So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly. |
GEORGE | (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood! | JERRY | Yeah. |
GEORGE | Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry) | JERRY | (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that? |
GEORGE | (With pride) Made it up. | JERRY | (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people." |
GEORGE | What do you think? | JERRY | It has a certain understated stupidity. |
GEORGE | (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales! | JERRY | ..Yeah. |
KRAMER | Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house! | JERRY | How was your first day? |
KRAMER | Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough. | JERRY | Your hands were in the dough? |
GEORGE | Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave) | JERRY | Happy Festivus! |
KRAMER | What's Festivus? | JERRY | When George was growing up.. |
GEORGE | (Interrupting) No! | JERRY | His father.. |
ELAINE | Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message. | JERRY | You're still trying to gget that free sub? |
ELAINE | Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now. | JERRY | Is there a captain's hat involved in this? |
GWEN | Hey. | JERRY | Boy, am I glad to see you. |
GWEN | You were expecting someone else? | JERRY | You never know. |
GWEN | (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel. | JERRY | So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? |
GWEN | I can go either way. | JERRY | (Shocked) You're telling me. |
GEORGE | So, she was switching? Back and forth? | JERRY | Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there. |
GEORGE | So, just bring her here. This is all you really need. | JERRY | I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress? |
GEORGE | Lights out. | JERRY | Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way. |
GEORGE | (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine! | JERRY | That's not a french cuff shirt, you know. |
GEORGE | I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener. | JERRY | Oh, that's classy. |
GWEN | Hey. | JERRY | I there. This is Kramer, and Frank. |
GWEN | So, you ready to go? | JERRY | Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth. |
GWEN | Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place? | JERRY | Why? It's our place. |
GWEN | I just found a rubber band in my soup. | JERRY | Oh.. I know who's cooking today! |
GEORGE | Hey! Surprise, surprise! | JERRY | Hey, Georgie! |
GWEN | I think I'm just gonna go. | JERRY | I'll be here. |
GEORGE | (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup. | JERRY | She didn't touch it. |
GEORGE | Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check) | JERRY | 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this. |
GEORGE | I don't know. | JERRY | Excuse me? |
GEORGE | I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back. | JERRY | You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars. |
GEORGE | I'm serious. | JERRY | You're going to start your own charity? |
GEORGE | Embracing my roots. | JERRY | They nailed you on the 20 G's? |
GWEN | Jerry! | JERRY | Gwen! How'd you know I was here? |
ELAINE | Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break. | JERRY | Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch. |
KRAMER | Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H. | JERRY | I thought you were on strike? |
GEORGE | When are they gonna have the flying cars, already? | JERRY | Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.. |
GEORGE | Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner. | JERRY | I think Ed Begley Jr. has one. |
GEORGE | No. That's just electric. | JERRY | What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one. |
GEORGE | (Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? | JERRY | Well, what do you think the big holdup is? |
GEORGE | The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production. | JERRY | Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities? |
GEORGE | And the underwater bubble cities? | JERRY | It's like we're living in the '50s here. |
KRAMER | It's good suspension! | JERRY | (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab) |
GEORGE | Shhh What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here. | JERRY | (Gestures to his forehead) Youre getting that vein again. |
GEORGE | I'm starving. We should have had lunch first.. | JERRY | (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal. |
GEORGE | Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic. | JERRY | I guess he graduated. |
GEORGE | There's an easy move go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face. | JERRY | (To Kramer) Thank you. |
GEORGE | Puddys just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turtle. | JERRY | All right. Calm down. |
KRAMER | Jerry, I dont think this thing is hooked up right. | JERRY | (To Kramer) All right, were goin in. |
GEORGE | (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and were walkin! | JERRY | (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, were just waiting for David Puddy. |
ELAINE | (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. | JERRY | Ah. Whered you go? |
ELAINE | I had the roast beef | JERRY | So, Puddy, I decided Im gonna go with another 900 convertible. |
GEORGE | (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble. | JERRY | (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George. |
GEORGE | Dont think it cant happen! (Leaves) | JERRY | So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey". |
PUDDY | I dont care for that term. | JERRY | Oh. Sorry, I didnt know.. |
PUDDY | No, I dont know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector. | JERRY | I saw one once that could do sign language. |
PUDDY | Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko. | JERRY | Yeah, Koko. |
GEORGE | Hey, hey, hey! Whats goin on here? (To Jerry) You didnt agree to anything, did ya? | JERRY | No. We both just saw the same monkey. |
GEORGE | (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar. | JERRY | (Getting a dollar out) Wheres your money? |
GEORGE | (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. Thats what they want you to think. | JERRY | Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit? |
ELAINE | (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting? | JERRY | No. |
ELAINE | (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring? | JERRY | No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five. |
ELAINE | (Shrugging) I thought all guys do that. | JERRY | Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - theyre doing sign language now. |
ELAINE | Its that bad? | JERRY | What do you think the Nazis were doin? (Imitates the Nazis salute) That was the heil-five. |
ELAINE | (Pointing out) Isnt that from your act, like, ten years ago? | JERRY | (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the 80s, and its still relatable today. |
[Setting | Dealership back room] | JERRY | (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there. |
GEORGE | People can drop change down here, Jerry. And theyre too lazy to pick it up. | JERRY | Either that, or theyve got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why dont you just go to the cashier? |
GEORGE | The cashier is at lunch - which is where Id like to be. | JERRY | How much was under there? |
GEORGE | (Looking at his finger) I think somethin bit me. I just need another nickel. | JERRY | (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel) |