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jerry_seinfeld_dialogues

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ELAINE

What call?

JERRY

He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal.

ELAINE

(Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter toward Jerry) The one you think can replace me?

JERRY

I was kidding when I said that!

GEORGE

(To Elaine) Told me the same thing.

JERRY

(On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.

GEORGE

You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.

JERRY

(To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh?

GEORGE

I'll have the Clams Casino.

JERRY

Get outta here.

GEORGE

(Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends"

JERRY

Hmm..

GEORGE

(Motioning toward waitress) I think she likes me.

JERRY

Sure.

GEORGE

So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?

JERRY

Are you?

GEORGE

Well, what's the reason?

JERRY

We were too compatible Our conversations were so engrossing.

GEORGE

How engrossing?

JERRY

If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.

GEORGE

Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? heh he he he he he...

JERRY

Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses... I need an awkward pause.

GEORGE

I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wear them every time I see her.

JERRY

Why?

GEORGE

In any other shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!

JERRY

So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?

GEORGE

In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his Clams Casino) Hm.. tastes a little funky.

JERRY

Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

GEORGE

Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.

JERRY

Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?

GEORGE

Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!

JERRY

Really?

NINA

Jerry?

JERRY

Nina?

NINA

Hi.

JERRY

It's been years!

NINA

Yeah!

JERRY

(Introducing the two) George, this is Nina.

NINA

And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone!

JERRY

(Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!

NINA

Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)

JERRY

Ah.

NINA

It's great talkin'

JERRY

Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail?

GEORGE

How as the date?

JERRY

Pretty good. I think she might be the one.

KRAMER

Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it)

JERRY

What are you bringing snowballs in here for?

KRAMER

Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard ... and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (FDR is at the cash register, pays and leaves Monks) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)

JERRY

Hi, Elaine.

KRAMER

Oh, hey, how you doing?

JERRY

Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler.

KRAMER

Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.

JERRY

Oh.

KRAMER

Uh, you need any help, or..?

JERRY

No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?

KRAMER

Ah, no, no, no. I-I couldn't impose.

JERRY

Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)

Sari / Saree

A long piece of cotton or silk cloth, constituting the principal garment of Hindu women, worn round the waist, one end falling to the feet, and the other crossed over the bosom and shoulder, and sometimes over the head.

JERRY

(tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done) Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.

MELISSA

(appearing in the kitchen stark naked) Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.

JERRY

(looking at her) How about that.

GEORGE

She ate breakfast naked?

JERRY

She didn't even want a napkin.

GEORGE

I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked.

JERRY

Oh, it's a scene.

GEORGE

It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?

JERRY

I don't really have enough room.

PUDDY

Hi.

JERRY

Hey.

ELAINE

(sitting down in the booth) 'Kay.

JERRY

Back together?

ELAINE

His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot.

JERRY

Ah...

ELAINE

He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago.

JERRY

Why now?

GEORGE

Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.

JERRY

Still with the neck hole?

GEORGE

I asked if I could borrow a sweater.

JERRY

A cashmere sweater.

ELAINE

Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck?

JERRY

No, I think the head does most of the stretching.

KRAMER

You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.

JERRY

That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

KRAMER

Showering. How long does it take you?

JERRY

Ten minutes.

ELAINE

So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector.

JERRY

So?

ELAINE

So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?

JERRY

(seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done. (interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the soda) All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.

ELAINE

(eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda) Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.

JERRY

Mmm.

KRAMER

Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus!

JERRY

(playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend) Zephyr? That is not a word.

MELISSA

Do you challenge?

JERRY

No, I do not challenge.

MELISSA

66 points. Ha ha.

JERRY

I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles.

MELISSA

You want some more ice tea?

JERRY

Sure.

GEORGE

So she coughed.

JERRY

Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man.

GEORGE

Everything goes with naked.

JERRY

When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

GEORGE

Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?

JERRY

But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke.

HANKE

Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.

JERRY

Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it.

KRAMER

(enters) Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.

JERRY

(pointing to Kramer's hair) You got some suds over here.

KRAMER

(noticing suds all over his clothes and body) Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong.

JERRY

Oh, come on!

KRAMER

No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!

JERRY

You promise you'll never come in here again?

KRAMER

(chuckling) Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.

JERRY

(standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another.

KRAMER

Well, that's how cats do it.

JERRY

But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.

KRAMER

OK. Let's turn the water on now.

JERRY

No, I told you, it's just a dry run.

GEORGE

(entering Jerry's bathroom) Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory.

JERRY

That's Step Ten?

KRAMER

Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?

JERRY

You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.

KRAMER

(walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye) You got a steak?

JERRY

What happened to you?

KRAMER

Ah, people in this city are crazy.

JERRY

(giving him a steak from the fridge) Here ya go.

KRAMER

(applying the steak to his eye) Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Yeah, a different one.

JERRY

(closing the door on him) Oh!

MELISSA

(wheeling out Jerry's bicycle) OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.

JERRY

Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.

MELISSA

(crouching down next to the bike) I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.

JERRY

Please don't crouch.

MELISSA

Ouch! Caught my skin.

JERRY

Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.

MELISSA

You got anything to snack on?

JERRY

Uhh...

MELISSA

(grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it) Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.

JERRY

Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!

MELISSA

(finally opening the jar) Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.

JERRY

(leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much.

ELAINE

(leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh. All right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.

JERRY

Well, technically he did apologize.

GEORGE

Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain!

JERRY

So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology?

GEORGE

That's right. I'm two in the hole!

JERRY

Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.

GEORGE

Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked?

JERRY

Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?

GEORGE

Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

(going into the bathroom) Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!

JERRY

(answering the ringing phone) Hello?

KRAMER

Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!

JERRY

World War I plane?

KRAMER

No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.

JERRY

When are ya gettin' out?

MELISSA

(naked on the couch) What are you doing?

JERRY

(naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here.

MELISSA

No, not that. Why are you naked?

JERRY

I thought naked is good.

GEORGE

I'm losin' it!

JERRY

He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?

GEORGE

Probably because this whole Universe is against me!

JERRY

You've got a little rage.

GEORGE

I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!

JERRY

By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work.

GEORGE

This bread has nuts in it!

JERRY

(seeing Elaine enter Monk's) Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body?

ELAINE

Chicken wing shoulder blades.

JERRY

That's it?

ELAINE

No, but that's one problem. Why?

JERRY

Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--

ELAINE

Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.

JERRY

So you don't think it's attractive?

ELAINE

OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day.

JERRY

So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better?

MELISSA

This is nice.

JERRY

Yes, clothes. This is normal.

MELISSA

Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me?

JERRY

Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.

MELISSA

I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow.

JERRY

Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a...

KRAMER

(in the shower, on the phone with Jerry) So you broke up?

JERRY

We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.

KRAMER

Hang on.

JERRY

So what are you up to?

KRAMER

Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses?

JERRY

Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.

ELAINE

So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

JERRY

Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.

TIM

Hey! Happy Chanukah!

JERRY

Hey, Tim. Great party.

ELAINE

Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.

JERRY

You have a standard fake?

ELAINE

Mm-hmm.

JERRY

(Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.