saikatkumardey/jerry_seinfeld_dialogues · Datasets at Hugging Face

previous_character stringlengths 2 334	previous_dialogue stringlengths 1 864	character stringclasses 1 value	dialogue stringlengths 2 1.88k
GEORGE	Are you through?	JERRY	You do of course try on, when you buy?
GEORGE	Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons.	JERRY	Oh, you dont recall?
GEORGE	(on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.	JERRY	Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.
CLAIRE	Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work.	JERRY	Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.
GEORGE	How come youre not doin the second show tomorrow?	JERRY	Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in.
GEORGE	Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?	JERRY	I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?
GEORGE	No, you didnt!	JERRY	I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...
GEORGE	Ha.	JERRY	(looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what...
GEORGE	Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?	JERRY	Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.
GEORGE	(smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?	JERRY	Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.
GEORGE	Oh, nothing happened, but it was...	JERRY	Yeah.
GEORGE	This is great!	JERRY	Yeah.
GEORGE	So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!	JERRY	Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together.
GEORGE	(whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in?	JERRY	Yeah, but...
GEORGE	Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe?	JERRY	Yeah!
GEORGE	No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. Youre not gonna see this woman.	JERRY	What, are you serious...why, why did she call?
GEORGE	How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.	JERRY	To be polite? You are insane!
GEORGE	All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?	JERRY	Yes!
GEORGE	Youre a back-up, youre a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!	JERRY	Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
GEORGE	She says she has to come to New York on business...	JERRY	Oh you are beautiful!
GEORGE	To be polite. I rest my case.	JERRY	Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what youre talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.
GEORGE	Im not gonna watch you do laundry.	JERRY	Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.
GEORGE	Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced.	JERRY	Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load.
GEORGE	I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...	JERRY	And you didnt even hear how she sounded.
GEORGE	What?!	JERRY	Laura.
GEORGE	I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!	JERRY	Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
GEORGE	Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy?	JERRY	No.
GEORGE	She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night!	JERRY	Yeah.
GEORGE	What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. Thats a signal, Jerry, thats a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!	JERRY	Maybe youre right.
GEORGE	Maybe Im right? Of course Im right.	JERRY	This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
GEORGE	I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry?	JERRY	No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish.
GEORGE	Youre gonna overdry it.	JERRY	You, you cant overdry.
GEORGE	Why not?	JERRY	Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die youre dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. Youre not gonna die again, youre already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry.
GEORGE	(to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?	JERRY	How could she not tell me where she was staying?
GEORGE	Look at that. Theyre done!	JERRY	Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, theyre all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, theyre in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So theyre showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.
KESSLER	Are you up?	JERRY	(to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.
KESSLER	Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?	JERRY	(upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
KESSLER	Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?	JERRY	Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?
KESSLER	You know, I almost wound up going to that game.	JERRY	(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You havent been out of the building in ten years!
KESSLER	Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this?	JERRY	No.
KESSLER	When youre done, let me know.	JERRY	Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
KESSLER	I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend.	JERRY	No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing.
KESSLER	You want me to talk to her?	JERRY	I dont think so.
KESSLER	Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.	JERRY	That close, huh?
KESSLER	You better believe it.	JERRY	Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.
KESSLER	Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.	JERRY	(to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...
KESSLER	(to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!	JERRY	No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!
GEORGE	You know, I cant believe youre bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too?	JERRY	Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous.
GEORGE	All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?	JERRY	All right, she said she couldnt find a decent hotel room...
GEORGE	A decent hotel-room...	JERRY	Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.
GEORGE	You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!	JERRY	(cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?
KESSLER	Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?	JERRY	Yeah.
KESSLER	Why even give her an option?	JERRY	This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break.
GEORGE	Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket.	JERRY	Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.
GEORGE	So what? Thats good.	JERRY	Now, how could that be good?
GEORGE	Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.	JERRY	This is how you operate?
GEORGE	Yeah, I wish.	JERRY	Let me just wipe the sink.
GEORGE	Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go!	JERRY	The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, theyre like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? Theyre huge and two days later, theyre out, theyre gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like theyve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be workin with?
GEORGE	What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin.	JERRY	You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.
GEORGE	Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause youre gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.	JERRY	Really? How?
GEORGE	Cause its all in the greeting.	JERRY	Uh-huh.
GEORGE	All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, thats a good sign.	JERRY	Right.
GEORGE	You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.	JERRY	Lip area.
GEORGE	You know a hug definitely good.	JERRY	Hug is definitely good.
GEORGE	Sure.	JERRY	Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
GEORGE	Thats so brutal, I hate that.	JERRY	You know how they do that?
GEORGE	Thats why, you know, a shake is bad.	JERRY	Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
GEORGE	Hand sandwich.	JERRY	Right.
LAURA	Guess who?	JERRY	Hey, hey.
LAURA & JERRY	Heeeey!	JERRY	Its good to see you.
LAURA	Hi.	JERRY	This is my friend George.
GEORGE	Hi, how are you?	JERRY	This is Laura.
GEORGE	Laura, sure.	JERRY	(to Laura) I cant believe youre here.
LAURA	Oh, thank you.	JERRY	(aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?
GEORGE	Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know.	JERRY	So uh, what do you think?
LAURA	Ooohhh, wow! This place isnt so bad.	JERRY	Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?
LAURA	(laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?	JERRY	Uh, yeah, I think I do.
LAURA	(referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?	JERRY	Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.
LAURA	Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible and if its not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too?	JERRY	Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything?
LAURA	No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open.	JERRY	Really? What would you like to do?
LAURA	Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.	JERRY	(unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad youre here.
LAURA	(to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.	JERRY	(not excited) Youre engaged?
LAURA	You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster.	JERRY	Youre engaged?
LAURA	You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation.	JERRY	(matter-of-factly) Youre engaged.
LAURA	Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy...	JERRY	Yeah.
LAURA	Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat.	JERRY	Me too!
AUDIENCE	Cheque.	JERRY	Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you thats writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if youll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?
ELAINE	Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there.	JERRY	Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Yknow Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein!
ELAINE	Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything.	JERRY	Oh yeah? I dont believe youve seen... this.
ELAINE	Oh, lovely.	JERRY	Yeah.
ELAINE	What do you think their parents think?	JERRY	So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy...
ELAINE	Yknow what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday.	JERRY	Pamela? Do I know her?
ELAINE	Yeah, you met her when we were going out.	JERRY	Oh yeah, right...
ELAINE	You have no idea who Im talking about, do you?	JERRY	(quickly) No.
ELAINE	Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?	JERRY	(a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.
ELAINE	Right! In fact... No, never mind...	JERRY	Well, what is it?
ELAINE	Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no.	JERRY	Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
ELAINE	What little deal?	JERRY	I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.
ELAINE	A wedding? Have you lost it, man?	JERRY	Yknow, my parents are coming in for this...
ELAINE	Theyre coming in?	JERRY	Yeah, tomorrow.

GEORGE

Are you through?

JERRY

You do of course try on, when you buy?

GEORGE

Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons.

JERRY

Oh, you dont recall?

GEORGE

(on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.

JERRY

Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.

CLAIRE

Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work.

JERRY

Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.

GEORGE

How come youre not doin the second show tomorrow?

JERRY

Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in.

GEORGE

Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?

JERRY

I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?

GEORGE

No, you didnt!

JERRY

I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...

GEORGE

Ha.

JERRY

(looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what...

GEORGE

Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?

JERRY

Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.

GEORGE

(smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?

JERRY

Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.

GEORGE

Oh, nothing happened, but it was...

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

This is great!

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!

JERRY

Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together.

GEORGE

(whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in?

JERRY

Yeah, but...

GEORGE

Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe?

JERRY

Yeah!

GEORGE

No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. Youre not gonna see this woman.

JERRY

What, are you serious...why, why did she call?

GEORGE

How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.

JERRY

To be polite? You are insane!

GEORGE

All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?

JERRY

Yes!

GEORGE

Youre a back-up, youre a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!

JERRY

Oh, I get it, this is about the button.

GEORGE

She says she has to come to New York on business...

JERRY

Oh you are beautiful!

GEORGE

To be polite. I rest my case.

JERRY

Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what youre talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.

GEORGE

Im not gonna watch you do laundry.

JERRY

Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.

GEORGE

Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced.

JERRY

Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load.

GEORGE

I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...

JERRY

And you didnt even hear how she sounded.

GEORGE

What?!

JERRY

Laura.

GEORGE

I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!

JERRY

Yeah, but how could you be so sure?

GEORGE

Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy?

JERRY

No.

GEORGE

She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night!

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. Thats a signal, Jerry, thats a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!

JERRY

Maybe youre right.

GEORGE

Maybe Im right? Of course Im right.

JERRY

This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.

GEORGE

I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry?

JERRY

No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish.

GEORGE

Youre gonna overdry it.

JERRY

You, you cant overdry.

GEORGE

Why not?

JERRY

Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die youre dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. Youre not gonna die again, youre already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry.

GEORGE

(to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?

JERRY

How could she not tell me where she was staying?

GEORGE

Look at that. Theyre done!

JERRY

Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, theyre all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, theyre in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So theyre showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.

KESSLER

Are you up?

JERRY

(to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.

KESSLER

Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?

JERRY

(upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

KESSLER

Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?

JERRY

Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?

KESSLER

You know, I almost wound up going to that game.

JERRY

(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You havent been out of the building in ten years!

KESSLER

Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this?

JERRY

No.

KESSLER

When youre done, let me know.

JERRY

Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.

KESSLER

I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend.

JERRY

No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing.

KESSLER

You want me to talk to her?

JERRY

I dont think so.

KESSLER

Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.

JERRY

That close, huh?

KESSLER

You better believe it.

JERRY

Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.

KESSLER

Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.

JERRY

(to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...

KESSLER

(to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!

JERRY

No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!

GEORGE

You know, I cant believe youre bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too?

JERRY

Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous.

GEORGE

All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?

JERRY

All right, she said she couldnt find a decent hotel room...

GEORGE

A decent hotel-room...

JERRY

Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.

GEORGE

You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!

JERRY

(cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?

KESSLER

Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?

JERRY

Yeah.

KESSLER

Why even give her an option?

JERRY

This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break.

GEORGE

Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket.

JERRY

Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.

GEORGE

So what? Thats good.

JERRY

Now, how could that be good?

GEORGE

Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.

JERRY

This is how you operate?

GEORGE

Yeah, I wish.

JERRY

Let me just wipe the sink.

GEORGE

Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go!

JERRY

The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, theyre like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? Theyre huge and two days later, theyre out, theyre gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like theyve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be workin with?

GEORGE

What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin.

JERRY

You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.

GEORGE

Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause youre gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.

JERRY

Really? How?

GEORGE

Cause its all in the greeting.

JERRY

Uh-huh.

GEORGE

All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, thats a good sign.

JERRY

Right.

GEORGE

You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

JERRY

Lip area.

GEORGE

You know a hug definitely good.

JERRY

Hug is definitely good.

GEORGE

Sure.

JERRY

Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

GEORGE

Thats so brutal, I hate that.

JERRY

You know how they do that?

GEORGE

Thats why, you know, a shake is bad.

JERRY

Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

GEORGE

Hand sandwich.

JERRY

Right.

LAURA

Guess who?

JERRY

Hey, hey.

LAURA & JERRY

Heeeey!

JERRY

Its good to see you.

LAURA

Hi.

JERRY

This is my friend George.

GEORGE

Hi, how are you?

JERRY

This is Laura.

GEORGE

Laura, sure.

JERRY

(to Laura) I cant believe youre here.

LAURA

Oh, thank you.

JERRY

(aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?

GEORGE

Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know.

JERRY

So uh, what do you think?

LAURA

Ooohhh, wow! This place isnt so bad.

JERRY

Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?

LAURA

(laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?

JERRY

Uh, yeah, I think I do.

LAURA

(referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?

JERRY

Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.

LAURA

Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible and if its not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too?

JERRY

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything?

LAURA

No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open.

JERRY

Really? What would you like to do?

LAURA

Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.

JERRY

(unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad youre here.

LAURA

(to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.

JERRY

(not excited) Youre engaged?

LAURA

You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster.

JERRY

Youre engaged?

LAURA

You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation.

JERRY

(matter-of-factly) Youre engaged.

LAURA

Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy...

JERRY

Yeah.

LAURA

Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat.

JERRY

Me too!

AUDIENCE

Cheque.

JERRY

Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you thats writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if youll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?

ELAINE

Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there.

JERRY

Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Yknow Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein!

ELAINE

Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything.

JERRY

Oh yeah? I dont believe youve seen... this.

ELAINE

Oh, lovely.

JERRY

Yeah.

ELAINE

What do you think their parents think?

JERRY

So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy...

ELAINE

Yknow what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday.

JERRY

Pamela? Do I know her?

ELAINE

Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

JERRY

Oh yeah, right...

ELAINE

You have no idea who Im talking about, do you?

JERRY

(quickly) No.

ELAINE

Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

JERRY

(a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.

ELAINE

Right! In fact... No, never mind...

JERRY

Well, what is it?

ELAINE

Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no.

JERRY

Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.

ELAINE

What little deal?

JERRY

I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.

ELAINE

A wedding? Have you lost it, man?

JERRY

Yknow, my parents are coming in for this...

ELAINE

Theyre coming in?

JERRY

Yeah, tomorrow.