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GEORGE | Ho, ho, ho! Hes got a live one. Hes just reeling his big fish in! | JERRY | Hey, can I have my dollar back? |
ELAINE | (While leaving) Thats right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin me to Arbys | JERRY | (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you? |
PUDDY | Lets finish this up. | JERRY | Did you two break up? |
PUDDY | (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chicks whacked. Were history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things uh, rust-proofing | JERRY | "Rust-proofing"? |
PUDDY | (Reading off what hes adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finders fee | JERRY | "Finders fee"? It was on the lot! |
PUDDY | Yeah, thats right. (Continues reading off) Uh, floor mats, keys | JERRY | Keys?! |
GEORGE | (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I cant believe this guy.. | JERRY | Hey, George! |
GEORGE | Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry) | JERRY | No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, hes treatin me just like a regular customer, now! |
[Setting | Puddys office] | JERRY | (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up. |
GEORGE | All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?! | JERRY | George! Can we focus on the car, here? |
PUDDY | (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and well get you that yellow car ready to go. | JERRY | Yellow? I wanted black. |
PUDDY | I cant give you black at that price. | JERRY | (Pleading) George, would you help me, please? |
GEORGE | (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong! | JERRY | Sing it, sister! |
GEORGE | Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch | JERRY | (Exasperated) Oh, God |
GEORGE | (Losing it) does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or Lem is not gonna get away with this! | JERRY | (To Puddy) Ill be right back. |
PUDDY | Okay. | JERRY | Hey, George! |
ELAINE | Hello? | JERRY | (Over the phone) Elaine, youve got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin me on this car, which is yellow now! |
ELAINE | (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this? | JERRY | (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine! |
ELAINE | What?! | JERRY | You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal. |
ELAINE | (Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry. | JERRY | Youre gonna get back together, anyway. Its thousands of dollars! |
ELAINE | Oh, I dont know.. | JERRY | Come on. Then you dont have to see him again til my 15,000-mile check. |
ELAINE | Well, will you pay my cab fare out there? | JERRY | Fine. |
ELAINE | And I didnt like that roast beef, so how bout some lunch? | JERRY | No. No lunch. |
ELAINE | Ill hang this phone up right now! | JERRY | All right! Lunch! |
ELAINE | Ill see ya. (Hanging up the phone) | JERRY | Bye. (Hangs up) |
ELAINE | Uh | JERRY | No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. Whats important is you two getting back together. Eh, then well talk about the car. |
ELAINE | (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David.. | JERRY | Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why dont we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right? |
ELAINE AND PUDDY | Right. | JERRY | Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you. |
PUDDY | Good point. | JERRY | (Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today? |
PUDDY | Theres a mental hospital right near here. | JERRY | All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle Arbys no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesnt read a book. |
PUDDY | I can live with that. | JERRY | So, youre back together? |
PUDDY | Yeah. | JERRY | All right, all right. All right, thats enough! Lets get back to my deal. That undercoating, thats a rip-off, isnt it, David? |
PUDDY | Oh, we dont even know what it is. | JERRY | So, Im gettin the insiders deal? |
ELAINE | (To Jerry) You couldnt just give him one high-five? | JERRY | And where does it end? Then everyones doin it. Its like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Dont go there." - Someones gotta take a stand! |
ELAINE | So, George, I still dont understand - how was that a setup? | JERRY | And who were you tryin to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager? |
GEORGE | What was that? | JERRY | I think theres a mental hospital near here. |
PUDDY | Ow! | JERRY | So, Puddy wear's a man fur? |
ELAINE | He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson. | JERRY | And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible. |
ELAINE | We never dated in winter. | JERRY | You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer. |
GEORGE | An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off. | JERRY | Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him. |
GEORGE | All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense. | JERRY | Cheapness is not a sense. |
ELAINE | I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh... | JERRY | I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out. |
KRAMER | You got any pliers? | JERRY | What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear? |
KRAMER | Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies. | JERRY | But then anyone can just look in and see you. |
ELAINE | I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act. | JERRY | Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way. |
NEWMAN | Wallet. | JERRY | What? |
KRAMER | Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside. | JERRY | That's a five. |
GEORGE | Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper. | JERRY | Except the store's in Delaware. |
GEORGE | I'll have 'em overnight it. | JERRY | Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable. |
GEORGE | It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong. | JERRY | Why? |
GEORGE | Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money. | JERRY | But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here. |
GEORGE | I need everything in there. | JERRY | Irish money? |
GEORGE | I might go there. | JERRY | Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster. |
NEWMAN | Uh, you, uh, you better put something on. | JERRY | George, I am loving this no wallet thing. |
GEORGE | A man carries a wallet. | JERRY | You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something. |
JOY MAYO | Hey, Jerry. | JERRY | Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place. |
JOY MAYO | Thanks. Jerry... | JERRY | Music? |
JOY MAYO | Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass? | JERRY | But I could do that and the music. |
JOY MAYO | Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun! | JERRY | I was ready to get jiggy with it. |
PUDDY | Hey. | JERRY | Hey, Elaine. |
ELAINE | Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius. | JERRY | So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants? |
GEORGE | No, I don't have it yet. | JERRY | So, we're givin' him nothing? |
GEORGE | No, I brought a picture of the chair. | JERRY | Did you at least get him a card? |
PUDDY | Sure thing, Joe Mayo. | JERRY | Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants? |
KERI | Nice. | JERRY | (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass. |
ELAINE | So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat. | JERRY | Because you threw it out. |
ELAINE | No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane. | JERRY | But you did actually throw his coat out the window. |
ELAINE | But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible. | JERRY | But that's you. |
GEORGE | Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me. | JERRY | Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass. |
GEORGE | There, there I'm fine. | JERRY | What was that? |
KERI | Ready to go? | JERRY | All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing. |
KERI | You don't go that often? | JERRY | No, because it's so stupid. Shall we? |
KERI | Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me? | JERRY | Compact, lipstick, all this? |
KERI | And can you help to carry my keys? | JERRY | What are you, a medieval dungeon master? |
KERI | And a tin of altoids. | JERRY | Ow! Sharp key. |
ELAINE | So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal. | JERRY | You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off. |
ELAINE | You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you. | JERRY | Not more of that crap from the Titanic? |
ELAINE | No. No. It's a small men's carryall. | JERRY | I'm not carrying a purse. |
ELAINE | It's not a purse. It's European. | JERRY | Oh. |
ELAINE | Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet? | JERRY | I don't know. |
GEORGE | Yeah? | JERRY | Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet? |
GEORGE | Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God... | JERRY | What? |
ELAINE | Did he get it? | JERRY | No. |
GEORGE | (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out? | JERRY | Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways. |
GEORGE | Allllll right! | JERRY | What is that noise? |
GEORGE | (hangs up the phone) That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! | JERRY | You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me. |
ELAINE | 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat! | JERRY | What was that pop sound? |
KERI | Nice carryall. | JERRY | It's European. |
KERI | Do you still have my lipstick? | JERRY | Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job? |
KERI | My job was to keep you away from the music. | JERRY | What, he doesn't like my taste in music? |
KERI | Guess not. | JERRY | You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it! |
KRAMER | Yeah, something like that. | JERRY | I have to do what? |
KRAMER | All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours. | JERRY | I'm not wearing the fur. |
KRAMER | Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building. | JERRY | Is that right? |
KRAMER | All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around? | JERRY | Newman, too? |
KRAMER | Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about. | JERRY | That's my walkman! |
KRAMER | And you'll get it back. | JERRY | All right. |
KRAMER | Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me. | JERRY | George, did you get that chair yet? |
GEORGE | It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me? | JERRY | You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out. |
GEORGE | Excuse me? | JERRY | Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me. |