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GEORGE | We...must never ever speak of this again.. | JERRY | No, no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie? |
GEORGE | Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave) | JERRY | I think that's for the best. |
GEORGE | All right (he smiles weakly at Maura) | JERRY | She said no? |
GEORGE | She said no. | JERRY | What did you do? |
GEORGE | What could I do?! We fooled around and went to a movie! | JERRY | George, both parties don't have to consent to a break-up. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments. |
GEORGE | Well, I don't really like her. | JERRY | That's good. |
GEORGE | I don't find her attractive. | JERRY | Solid. |
GEORGE | I'd like to sleep with a LOT of other women. | JERRY | Always popular. |
GEORGE | Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food 'Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are sooo goood.' | JERRY | You have an airtight case! |
GEORGE | And in bed-- | JERRY | I'm afraid we're out of time. |
GEORGE | What? | JERRY | Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie "Cinderfella". I got 'em at an auction. |
GEORGE | I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you. | JERRY | No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him. |
GEORGE | You already have an in. You have the same first name!... (no reaction) 'Jerry'! | JERRY | Oh, that'll intrigue him. |
GEORGE | Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week. | JERRY | George Peppard has been dead for years. |
ELAINE | (flattered) Oh (laughs) That'll do! (laughs some more) | JERRY | What about Puddy? |
ELAINE | I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks... I THINK it might be over... | JERRY | (unimpressed) So, what's this guy about? |
ELAINE | I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked... I'll bet he's in a relationship. | JERRY | Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity! Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern! |
ELAINE | Which one is he? | JERRY | Green suit, power ring. |
KRAMER | Hey. It happened again. (puts box on counter) Another robbery in the building. | JERRY | So you bought a cooler? |
KRAMER | Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations, my Tony, my... military discharge. | JERRY | (doubtful) You were in the Army? |
KRAMER | (offended) 'Literally'? What's THAT supposed to mean? (then to Jerry, before Elaine can answer) You mind if I hide this somewhere? | JERRY | No, go ahead. |
KRAMER | (stuttering gibberish, gestures that they should leave) A little... privacy, uh? | JERRY | Oh, come on! |
KRAMER | Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue! (Elaine laughs) Boy, you wouldn't last a DAY in the Army. | JERRY | (walking towards door with Elaine) How long did you last? (opens door) |
ELAINE | Hey, what if he's married? | JERRY | Kramer?! |
KRAMER | (from inside) OK! | JERRY | So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky. |
KRAMER | (bangs arm of couch in frustration) You peeked! | JERRY | THIS is your hiding place?! (Elaine laughs) |
ELAINE | (shouting up) Jerry! Jerry! | JERRY | Elaine, what are you doin' down there? |
ELAINE | You didn't hear me buzzing? | JERRY | Oh, I guess it's broken! |
ELAINE | Throw down your key. | JERRY | It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer. |
ELAINE | I'll catch it! | JERRY | You'll chicken out at the last second. |
ELAINE | ...Yeah, you're right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out? | JERRY | (annoyed) All right. (after a pause) Hey, you know what's weird? |
ELAINE | Huh? | JERRY | I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep. But I can't anymore. |
ELAINE | Nodding off!... Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me! | JERRY | All right. |
ELAINE | (from the street) It went in the sewer! (Jerry reacts) | JERRY | Hey... |
KRAMER | (re buzzer box) What are you doin'? | JERRY | (waving the key) You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom! |
KRAMER | (grabbing the key) You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know all about it. You're so OBSESSED with me. | JERRY | I'm gonna go let Elaine in. (Kramer reaches out to stop him leaving) |
KRAMER | Oo, y- what are you doing with her? (Jerry ignores him and exits) | JERRY | (in the hallway, hearing the door lock behind him, turns back) Kramer! |
KRAMER | (from inside) Security issue! | JERRY | Oh, hey. You got in. |
ELAINE | Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. Here. (hands him a large stack of papers) | JERRY | (taking the menus) Oh, thanks. |
KRAMER | (clattering inside) That wasn't me! | JERRY | So, he's definitely married, huh? |
ELAINE | Uh... | JERRY | Boy, I would love to have been there when you told him off. |
GEORGE | (from the street below Jerry's window) Jerry! | JERRY | (out of window) George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down! |
KRAMER | Heyyyy! (bangs the table in frustration and grabs the key) | JERRY | (opens the door for George) Where did you get that? |
Phil | (walking up to get inside after George) Thanks. | JERRY | (barring the way) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you. |
PHIL | What? | JERRY | There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in. |
GEORGE | Sounds like a scam. (takes a bite from the granola bar) | JERRY | (shakes his head) I'm very sorry. (closing the door on Phil. Jerry smiles and shrugs apologetically as Phil stares at them through the glass) |
GEORGE | So, I broke up with Maura. It's done. I'm out. | JERRY | Great, you're lonely and miserable again. (presses button to call elevator) |
GEORGE | Feels right. (cheerfully takes another bite) | JERRY | Is that guy still there? (They are side-on to Phil who is in the background, still pressed against the glass, aghast) |
GEORGE | (looking at the door) He's starin' at us. | JERRY | Don't look at him. (Phil starts to knock on the door) |
GEORGE | Want a bite? | JERRY | Nooo, I don't. (the elevator doors shut) |
GLENN | (coming back through the window carrying an old chair) I think this will burn! | JERRY | So you do live here. |
PHIL | (sulkily) Yeah. (Jerry has an anguished expression as the elevator doors shut) | JERRY | You live on this floor? |
PHIL | Yeah. | JERRY | (arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there. |
PHIL | Yeah. (enters his apartment) | JERRY | So I guess I'll s-- |
ELAINE | He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. (unwrapping a lollipop) He's not married. He's poor. (puts lollipop in her mouth) | JERRY | Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps? |
ELAINE | He probably busted it up and burned it for heat. | JERRY | So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers? |
ELAINE | How can I end it over money? I feel bad. | JERRY | Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation? |
ELAINE | Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans. | JERRY | Good. How did you handle that? |
ELAINE | Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street. | JERRY | Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean. |
GEORGE | (entering Monk's) Hey. | JERRY | Hey, where have you been? |
ELAINE | Green Lantern. | JERRY | We found out his super power was lack of money. |
ELAINE | (not amused) All right. | JERRY | He's invulnerable to creditors. |
ELAINE | (annoyed) We get it. (George is laughing) | JERRY | He's the Got-no-Green Lantern. |
GEORGE | Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura. | JERRY | Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair. |
GEORGE | She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it. | JERRY | (fidgets like he has no room with George next to him)... Could you move over there?! |
GEORGE | Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me. | JERRY | Really? How come you never pursued her before? |
ELAINE | (coming back into Monk's) Did I leave my glasses here? | JERRY | (to Elaine, still joking) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce! |
KRAMER | Heh. | JERRY | There's a giant parrot in the hallway. |
KRAMER | It's Phil's. | JERRY | Who? |
KRAMER | Our neighbor that you... turned against. (Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway. | JERRY | What'd ya tell him that for? |
KRAMER | Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place. | JERRY | Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch? |
KRAMER | Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's... | JERRY | He let you? |
ELAINE | (touched, she takes it) Aw, Glenn. | JERRY | Hi. Is Phil here? |
Phil | (from inside the apartment) Yeah, I'm here. (comes to the door. The caged parrot is visible in the background) | JERRY | Phil... hi. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely... by the way, made a mess on my door. |
PHIL | And? | JERRY | I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there. |
PHIL | That's my wife. | JERRY | (nodding awkwardly for a moment) All right, I think we're done here. (Jerry leaves and Phil shuts the door darkly) |
GEORGE | This isn't going well. | JERRY | I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in! |
GEORGE | You don't need the cufflinks! You have the same name! (no reaction) 'Jerry'! (heads for door, grabbing his coat) | JERRY | Where are you goin'? Help me look! |
GEORGE | (opening door) It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of "Godspell" with the other. | JERRY | Which is with who? |
KRAMER | (entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice. | JERRY | I can't go until I find my cufflinks. |
KRAMER | Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox. | JERRY | You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please? |
PHIL | Fredo is dead. (his wife sobs) | JERRY | That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator? |
PHIL | No! My bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. (starts opening door) | JERRY | Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry. |
PHIL | Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food. | JERRY | But I, I didn't, I-- |
KRAMER | Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator. | JERRY | Just get the key and let's get out of here. |
KRAMER | Yeah, yeah. (goes to Phil's door) You know, it's a... it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whoo! That's a weeeird coincidence. | JERRY | Kramer!? (grabbing Kramer's arm roughly, pulling him back as he's about to knock) |
KRAMER | What? | JERRY | You killed Fredo! |
KRAMER | (high-pitched) Well, Fredo was weak and stupid! He shouldn't have eaten that key! | JERRY | Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do? |
KRAMER | You just answered your own question. | JERRY | (frowning in realization) Oh, no! |
ELAINE | I guess I'm... Lois Loan. | JERRY | Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers. |
KRAMER | (reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend'. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone. | JERRY | (seeing Fredo's tombstone) Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up! (hands the shovel to Kramer) |
KRAMER | (sighs) All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him. | JERRY | (grimaces and takes the shovel back) I'll dig. |
KRAMER | Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out. | JERRY | (hitting metal with the first strike of the shovel) Well, that was easy. |
PHIL | All right, Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace. | JERRY | (with a wild expression) Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open! |
PHIL | (horrified) Oh, my God! | JERRY | (after a very awkward pause, cheerily) Hey, neighbor. |
ELAINE | (to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what? | JERRY | (still in tuxedo, tie undone) Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building. |
KRAMER | Oh. Well, would you look at that. (puts a gun-shaped hand to his head and goes 'Pop') I guess I forgot to lock it. | JERRY | You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing? |
GEORGE | When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that? | JERRY | It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday. |
GEORGE | How much was it? | JERRY | Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal. |
GEORGE | Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars? | JERRY | Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite. |