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ELAINE | Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum. | JERRY | She's not a maid. She might be a news woman! |
PHONE MAN | I could've killed you, and no one would've known. | JERRY | Kramer, you're still on the phone? |
KRAMER | Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there? | JERRY | Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there? |
KRAMER (into phone) | Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too. | JERRY | Madeline stays here. |
GEORGE | No. No T-bone. | JERRY | No T-bone? |
KRAMER (from bathroom) | Hey, is that T-bone?! | JERRY | No! There's no T-bone! |
KRAMER | Well, why no T-bone?! | JERRY | Why no T-bone? |
GEORGE | You're sleepin' with the maid? | JERRY | Yes. |
GEORGE | I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger? | JERRY | No. |
KRAMER | Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases? | JERRY | Yeah. It's in your closet. |
KRAMER | No, no, no. I looked. | JERRY | They're behind my skis and my tennis racket. |
KRAMER | Thanks, buddy. | JERRY | Where you goin'? |
KRAMER | Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy? | JERRY | Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it. |
KRAMER | Well, what's the matter? | JERRY | What did I just pay for? |
KRAMER | Uh-oh. You're a john. | JERRY | Koko? |
GEORGE | Koko. | JERRY | Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is. |
GEORGE | Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid? | JERRY | Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex. |
GEORGE | Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then-- | JERRY | No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute. |
GEORGE | How much you pay this maid? | JERRY | 40. |
GEORGE | 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was. | JERRY | I don't know what this is. |
KRAMER | Hey, hey, hey. Look at that. | JERRY | Ooh. |
KRAMER | Well, now I can't see Jerry. | JERRY | I look about the same. |
GEORGE | What? | JERRY | I was talking to him. |
KRAMER | What? | JERRY | Never mind. |
KRAMER | Jerry, come on. What'd you say? | JERRY | What? |
KRAMER | Come on. Where'd you go? | JERRY | Go back. |
KRAMER | Eh! Come on. What did you say? | JERRY | I said, never mind. |
KRAMER | Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh. | JERRY | I hate the counter. |
ELAINE (to Jerry) | Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz. | JERRY | Oh, she didn't mind? |
ELAINE | No. She died. | JERRY | Hey, that's great. |
GEORGE | What happened to Mrs. Krantz? | JERRY | Elaine got a new number because she died. |
ELAINE | What did he say? | JERRY | Some new kind of pie. |
KRAMER | All right, who's down there? | JERRY | Hey, there's a booth. |
GEORGE | Hey. | JERRY | So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it? |
GEORGE | Oh, yeah. | JERRY | Double zero? |
GEORGE | You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos. | JERRY | Sounds like he runs a real tight ship. |
GEORGE | Say good-bye to Koko. | JERRY | Good-bye, Koko. |
KRAMER | Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person. | JERRY | Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you. |
CINDY | What was that? | JERRY | I didn't hear anything. |
CINDY | All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something? | JERRY | Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit. |
CINDY | No. My money. | JERRY | For what? |
CINDY | For my maid services. You booked me for today. | JERRY | But you didn't really do any work. |
CINDY | I made the bed. | JERRY | But you took a nap in it. |
CINDY | So? | JERRY | I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making. |
CINDY | No. That was the maid. | JERRY | Well, who took the nap? |
CINDY | The girlfriend. | JERRY | $40 seems kind of steep for a nap. |
CINDY | So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute? | JERRY | Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated. |
CINDY | You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid. | JERRY | So is this a breakup/quitting? |
CINDY | Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again. | JERRY | Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired! |
ELAINE | No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here. | JERRY | So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5? |
ELAINE | Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2? | JERRY | Miss. |
ELAINE | He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family. | JERRY | I wouldn't worry about it. B-6? |
ELAINE | Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine. | JERRY | Elaine... |
KRAMER | Hey, buddy, don't say no! | JERRY | I accept. |
KRAMER | I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over." | JERRY | Well, what happened? |
KRAMER | I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there. | JERRY | What's around you? |
KRAMER | I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is? | JERRY | Is it Famous Ray's? |
KRAMER | No. It's Original Ray's. | JERRY | Famous Original Ray's? |
KRAMER | It's just Original, Jerry! | JERRY | Well, what street are you on? |
KRAMER | Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. | JERRY | Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you! |
MAN | You Steinfeld? | JERRY | Yeah. |
MAN | My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place. | JERRY | Cindy. |
MAN | She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay. | JERRY | You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do. |
MAN | Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter-- | JERRY | Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here. |
MAN | You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job? | JERRY | What? |
MAN | Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her. | JERRY | I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here. |
BOBBY | 9-1-1. | JERRY | Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy. |
CINDY | What do you want? | JERRY | Here. I got your money. |
CINDY | I don't want any money from you. | JERRY | Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya. |
POLICE | Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie? | JERRY | Well, this is all very sophisticated. |
GEORGE | Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food. | JERRY | Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band. |
KRAMER | You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away. | JERRY | I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game. |
KRAMER | Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit. | JERRY | Keep your shirt on. I got it. |
KRAMER | Oh, boy. | JERRY | Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out. |
KRAMER | I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh... | JERRY | Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated. |
GEORGE | Blimp The Hindenburg Story. | JERRY | How was it? |
GEORGE | I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes? | JERRY | Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it. |
GEORGE | Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!" | JERRY | Heh. |
GEORGE | The place went nuts. | JERRY | Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster. |
KRAMER | Why are we slowing down? | JERRY | What is that music? |
GEORGE | What's with all these flags? | JERRY | Oh, no. |
RADIO | And the Mets score two in the eighth inning. | JERRY | See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs. |
ELAINE | I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down. | JERRY | I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious. |
KRAMER | All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there. | JERRY | But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there? |
KRAMER | You know you're going to. | JERRY | All right, I'm worming. |
KRAMER | Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera. | JERRY | They're not letting me in. |
GEORGE | My hand is out. | JERRY | Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face. |
GEORGE | This guy's giving me the stare-ahead. | JERRY | The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time. |
KRAMER | Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach. | JERRY | One more lane to go. |
LAMAR | Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab. | JERRY | Maroon Golf. |
LAMAR | Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew. | JERRY | Could you move your car back a little? |
ELAINE | All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else. | JERRY | You can't do that. You can't just leave the group. |
KRAMER | Con dios? Well, that's rude. | JERRY | Can you believe her? |
GEORGE | Yeah. I'll see you later. | JERRY | Where are you going? |
GEORGE | The movies. Blimp is playing right there. | JERRY | You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line? |
GEORGE | It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do. | JERRY | That's not what I do. |
GEORGE | Isn't it? | JERRY | Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is. |
GEORGE | It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so... | JERRY | I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here. |
KRAMER | You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away. | JERRY | Walk away? |
KRAMER | You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free. | JERRY | Isn't there a deductible? |