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KRAMER | All right, what is your deductible? | JERRY | I don't know. |
KRAMER | Yes, because they've already deducted it. | JERRY | From what? |
KRAMER | The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car. | JERRY | We're not leaving the car! |
KRAMER | All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf. | JERRY | Absolutely not. He sped up. |
RADIO | Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit. | JERRY | I'm ready to talk. |
KRAMER | Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave. | JERRY | What's that? |
KRAMER | You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift. | JERRY | Ok! |
GEORGE | All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here. | JERRY | What's that on your forehead? |
GEORGE | It's probably chocolate. | JERRY | Hey, is that one of those laser pointers? |
GEORGE | All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest! | JERRY | See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave. |
LAMAR | What was that? | JERRY | I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass! |
LAMAR | Jackass? So I'm a jackass now? | JERRY | So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention? |
PUERTO RICAN MAN | Buenos dias, my friend. | JERRY | Not you! The guy in the Amigo. |
ELAINE | Boy, eh, can you believe this mess? | JERRY | Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out! |
ELAINE | I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore. | JERRY | Elaine, he doesn't need- |
LAMAR | Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass. | JERRY | 'Cause that's what's gonna happen. |
GEORGE | This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye? | JERRY | I don't know. |
KRAMER | You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom. | JERRY | Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes. |
GEORGE | Oh, my god. | JERRY | Hey, there's the soda guy. |
JERRY (sarcastically) | Ho ho! | JERRY | What seems to be the problem, officer? |
GEORGE | They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'? | JERRY | At me? |
GEORGE | No. | JERRY | Oh. It's back. |
GEORGE | Bring it on, baby | JERRY | What if it gets in the side? |
GEORGE | The side? | JERRY | Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally- |
GEORGE | All right! | JERRY | Oh. It's in your eye now. |
KRAMER | Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry! | JERRY | Kramer, the Mets have got men on base! |
KRAMER | Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game. | JERRY | You were watchin'? Where? |
SALES WOMAN | Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um-- | JERRY | Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room? |
SALES WOMAN | Well, it's-- | JERRY | Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks? |
SALES WOMAN | Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist. | JERRY | Not Pennypacker! |
SALES WOMAN | You know him? | JERRY | I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen! |
SALES WOMAN | It's down the hall. | JERRY | Oh, hello... |
GEORGE | Art. | JERRY | Mr. Vandelay, of course. |
KRAMER | Uh, Varnsen. | JERRY | Pennypacker. |
GEORGE | Pennypacker. Varnsen. | JERRY | Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory? |
KRAMER | The factory? | JERRY | The Saab factory? |
KRAMER | Jerry, that's in Sweden. | JERRY | My car! |
GEORGE | Jerry, the Mets lost. | JERRY | I love a parade! |
KRAMER | Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home? | JERRY | Well, what about my car? |
KRAMER | Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now. | JERRY | Hey, there's Elaine. |
ELAINE | Hey. | JERRY | Well, you look, uh...relaxed. |
LAMAR | Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around! | JERRY | Well, at least he didn't- |
LAMAR | Jackass! | JERRY | Somebody remember where we parked. |
GEORGE | I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?" | JERRY | I know what you mean. |
GEORGE | Do ya? | JERRY | It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again. |
GEORGE | Same thing! | JERRY | Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you. |
WOMAN | You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time. | JERRY | So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies? |
GEORGE | Nah - what for? | JERRY | To see a movie. |
GEORGE | I've been to the movies. | JERRY | Not this movie. |
GEORGE | They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it. | JERRY | Did you shower today? |
GEORGE | Yeah. | JERRY | That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered. |
GEORGE | When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes! | JERRY | Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health. |
GEORGE | Yeah. | JERRY | What is that? |
KRAMER | Hey! JoJo! | JERRY | Ey, ey! |
KRAMER | No, thank you. So what are you doing? | JERRY | Nothing. |
KRAMER | What? It's a beautiful day. | JERRY | Have a good time. |
KRAMER | Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air. | JERRY | You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster? |
ELAINE | Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back. | JERRY | Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone? |
ELAINE | What? No good? | JERRY | Faux pas. |
ELAINE | Why? | JERRY | You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street." |
GEORGE | On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make. | JERRY | It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish. |
GEORGE | It's dismissive. | JERRY | It's pompous. |
GEORGE | Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that. | JERRY | Hey - hey - hey! |
GEORGE | What? | JERRY | Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend. |
GEORGE | You're so uptight. | JERRY | Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. |
PHONE TAPE | Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks. | JERRY | Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough. |
GEORGE | Who's he? | JERRY | He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry." |
GEORGE | Our show, "Jerry"? | JERRY | Right. |
GEORGE | "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"? | JERRY | Yeah! |
GEORGE | When? | JERRY | Today, like right now. |
GEORGE | Right now? "Jerry"? | JERRY | "Jerry"! |
GEORGE | He wants to talk about "Jerry"? | JERRY | He wants to talk about "Jerry"! |
GEORGE | "Jerry"! | JERRY | "Jerry"! |
GEORGE | Can I go like this? | JERRY | Sure! |
GEORGE | No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets. | JERRY | Forget the sports jacket. |
GEORGE | I won't feel like a writer. | JERRY | You're not a writer. |
GEORGE | Water. Need some water! Water here! | JERRY | Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time. |
GEORGE | Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes. | JERRY | Don't blow this. |
GEORGE | I will not blow this. | JERRY | If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts. |
GEORGE | It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing. | JERRY | He might not want nothing. |
GEORGE | Something, nothing, I could care less. | JERRY | He might want a show about anything and everything. |
GEORGE | Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down! | JERRY | All right. |
GEORGE | Magic time. | JERRY | What? |
STU | How you been? | JERRY | Good, good. You remember George. |
GEORGE | Kimbrough. | JERRY | Don't spell. |
GEORGE | Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp. | JERRY | Shut up, George. |
GEORGE | What do we have in the fruit department? | JERRY | Oy. |
CRESPI | We call it a water-cooler show. | JERRY | Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right? |
GEORGE | See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines. | JERRY | Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show." |
GEORGE | It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles. | JERRY | But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point. |
KIMBROUGH | What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy. | JERRY | He's a little off the wall. |
KIMBROUGH | And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two. | JERRY | Definitely. |
GEORGE | Yeah! | JERRY | Yeah! |
ELAINE | Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello? | JERRY | Hi. Elaine, it's me. |
ELAINE | Jerry, I'm on the other line. | JERRY | No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone. |
ELAINE | I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency? | JERRY | The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California! |
ELAINE | That's the emergency? | JERRY | Did you hear what I said? |
ELAINE | I was on the other line talking to Jill. | JERRY | Jill? Well, why didn't you say so? |
ELAINE | You said it was an emergency. | JERRY | So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk. |
MORTY | Jerry, you ever watch that? | JERRY | Yeah, it's pretty good. |