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How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too afraid of the electricity.

""Look at me! I'm a ninja!"" - 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow twenty dollars.... ..the father replies, ""Ten dollars?! What do you need five dollars for?!?""

America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm... She said ""I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work.""

Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.

Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

What did the elevator say to the escalator? Do you even lift?

Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

What is yellow and cannot swim ? A yellow digger. Why can't it swim ? It has only one arm

What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own? Toucan

What's the best part about getting a puppy? Getting new shoes every week.

I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time.

I didn't ask for a sweet roll? Oh, sorry, I thought you had said, ""synonym bun"".

5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, ""Table for three please.""

Did you hear the one about the nympho who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a red snapper.

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you love kids?

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, ""Hey, where'd you get that?"" And the frog says, ""Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um.""

What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

What animal has 5 legs? A pit bull coming back from the playground.

Stalin met Hitler in hell Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns! Stalin : Two clowns? Why? Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.

English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for School?! Bison

Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.

[tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet Bear: Wow, real original AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Confucius say man who run behind car... ...get exhausted.

What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday? A once in a lifetime opportunity.

Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!

How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key

Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.

I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat.

Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you..........Bad Breath

What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper? You only need one nail to hang the painting.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole ""i don't give a shit anymore"" pizzas

And God Said to John... ""Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."" But John came fifth and he won a toaster

What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!

I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out.

I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, ""Do you wanna do it?"" It means take a nap.

What did Grandma say to the frog? Something racist, probably.

[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work.

People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" and he replied ""Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss.""

Why can't Two-Face kill Batman? Because he's two Dents.

""To Kill a Mockingbird"" ""Oh, I just used a slingshot.""

[on date] girl: ""id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married"" henry the eighth: ""our food sure is taking a while""

Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

As an old muslim adage says ""When you get home, beat your wives and your children. If you do not know why, they know.""

When does John Cena get scared? When John CENA ghost!

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin..

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?

I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? ""If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers....""

What is the most searched word on Bing? Google.

What gets wetter the more you dry? A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)

A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says ""Two can play that game!"" They forget about drinks.

What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste

Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying.

we are the animals that forgot we were animals

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Gas chambers don't have light bulbs.

Italian wedding invitation , 2 D wedding Rosa Mr .

At first I wondered why the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me.

Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady

Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns

If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?

How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars

What's the best part about going to a holocaust museum? Free fap material

How do you put out a maxipad fire? You tampon it.

The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken.

How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too

""Dad, tell me a joke"" ""Pussy"" ""I don't get it"" ""I know, son""

ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I like my women like my salad Undressed

How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who's done it before, like U2

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.

Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)

What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs.

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me

Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.

A wizard walks into a gay bar... ...And disappears with a poof.

A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo

I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.