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90,667 | How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too afraid of the electricity.
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178,148 | ""Look at me! I'm a ninja!"" - 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
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113,584 | What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...
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152,101 | A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow twenty dollars.... ..the father replies, ""Ten dollars?! What do you need five dollars for?!?""
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220,643 | America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.
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190,646 | I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm... She said ""I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work.""
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156,644 | Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.
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199,405 | Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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105,844 | What did the elevator say to the escalator? Do you even lift?
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48,802 | Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
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76,708 | If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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166,934 | What is yellow and cannot swim ? A yellow digger. Why can't it swim ? It has only one arm
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85,887 | What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own? Toucan
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178,697 | What's the best part about getting a puppy? Getting new shoes every week.
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88,926 | I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time.
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14,631 | I didn't ask for a sweet roll? Oh, sorry, I thought you had said, ""synonym bun"".
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125,227 | 5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, ""Table for three please.""
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223,549 | Did you hear the one about the nympho who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a red snapper.
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50,199 | On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you love kids?
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41,559 | A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, ""Hey, where'd you get that?"" And the frog says, ""Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um.""
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105,757 | What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons
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162,828 | *holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*
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221,511 | If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet
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202,181 | What animal has 5 legs? A pit bull coming back from the playground.
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84,246 | Stalin met Hitler in hell Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns! Stalin : Two clowns? Why? Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.
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115,794 | English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox
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229,655 | What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for School?! Bison
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21,649 | Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
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59,924 | [tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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40,041 | Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.
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42,505 | AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet Bear: Wow, real original AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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144,941 | Confucius say man who run behind car... ...get exhausted.
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167,580 | What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday? A once in a lifetime opportunity.
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3,542 | Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!
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215,549 | How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......
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199,583 | Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key
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198,628 | Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
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112,498 | I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat.
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146,826 | Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you..........Bad Breath
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159,394 | What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper? You only need one nail to hang the painting.
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171,476 | 9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole ""i don't give a shit anymore"" pizzas
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227,891 | And God Said to John... ""Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."" But John came fifth and he won a toaster
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41,111 | What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!
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159,572 | I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out.
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175,369 | I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.
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74,605 | If I ever ask you, very seductively, ""Do you wanna do it?"" It means take a nap.
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218,699 | What did Grandma say to the frog? Something racist, probably.
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174,219 | [Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is
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105,792 | Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
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126,823 | I painted my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work.
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132,329 | People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
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168,541 | My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" and he replied ""Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss.""
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136,729 | Why can't Two-Face kill Batman? Because he's two Dents.
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104,534 | ""To Kill a Mockingbird"" ""Oh, I just used a slingshot.""
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59,476 | [on date] girl: ""id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married"" henry the eighth: ""our food sure is taking a while""
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143,180 | Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
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10,280 | God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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228,175 | As an old muslim adage says ""When you get home, beat your wives and your children. If you do not know why, they know.""
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29,640 | When does John Cena get scared? When John CENA ghost!
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11,104 | Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.
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54,520 | How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin..
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56,468 | Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.
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191,326 | Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?
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204,688 | I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister
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89,333 | Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? ""If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers....""
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202,296 | What is the most searched word on Bing? Google.
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134,143 | What gets wetter the more you dry? A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)
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128,740 | A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says ""Two can play that game!"" They forget about drinks.
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11,638 | What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
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107,800 | Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying.
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199,972 | we are the animals that forgot we were animals
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139,013 | My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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98,689 | How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Gas chambers don't have light bulbs.
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61,790 | Italian wedding invitation , 2 D wedding Rosa Mr .
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85,937 | At first I wondered why the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me.
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720 | Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady
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165,545 | Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns
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98,853 | If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?
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152,228 | How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars
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125,032 | What's the best part about going to a holocaust museum? Free fap material
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54,313 | How do you put out a maxipad fire? You tampon it.
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18,424 | The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken.
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210,395 | How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
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215,969 | Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too
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164,296 | ""Dad, tell me a joke"" ""Pussy"" ""I don't get it"" ""I know, son""
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195,641 | ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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116,599 | I like my women like my salad Undressed
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122,368 | How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!
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177,825 | If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who's done it before, like U2
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130,238 | What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.
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137,902 | Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.
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106,649 | Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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82,423 | Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)
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127,985 | What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs.
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49,427 | When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me
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198,893 | Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
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125,826 | I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.
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150,854 | A wizard walks into a gay bar... ...And disappears with a poof.
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2,741 | A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo
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18,880 | I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
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