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it's in our very own backyard, starting in the afternoon with a crab boil and extending through the evening fireworks. apparently we'll get a good view of the country club's annual fireworks display just down the river. my mom has absolutely insisted on buying me a new dress for the occasion, and even came into the fitting room with me to make sure it fit correctly. the shift dress is not exactly my style, but i've seen it on plenty of girls at school. i'm just worried about spilling tartar sauce on the bright white fabric. i pull on my new pair of gold wedges, and walk downstairs to see if my mom needs any help. i'm taken aback by the flurry of activity downstairs. as i walk outside, i realize i've underestimated the scale of this party. when i heard `` crab boil, '' i was picturing a few picnic tables with red and white tablecloths, but this is clearly a classy affair. there are elegant round tables set, with flowing linens and extravagant centerpieces on top of them.

the food is presented in silver trays, and garlands festoon the perimeter. i spot my mom talking in hushed, urgent tones to one of the caterers, and head over. `` oh, brynn, you look beautiful! that dress fits you so well, '' she gushes. `` thanks ... do you need any help ? ''`` mmm, no. i think we're ok. the guests should begin arriving in about ten minutes. oh, go taste the freedom martini over at the bar and tell me what you think. i'm worried it's a little too sweet . ''`` the freedom martini ? ''`` the signature cocktail we created for this event, '' the caterer next to her chimes in with a chipper grin. `` ah, of course, '' i reply, heading for the bar. the bartender serves me a pale pink drink and i take a sip. not too sweet-it's delicious, light and refreshing. luckily the day isn't too hot, anyway. the temperature has managed to stay below ninety degrees for the party. i decide to go down to the river since i'd just feel in the way while they're setting up.

i walk down to the lower lawn and down the steps. as i reach the shore, i navigate the rocky sand cautiously in my heels. a splash on the other side of the large boulder grabs my attention. i walk toward it and peer around. nate's standing there, skipping rocks with a smooth sidearm motion. i pause, admiring his form, then decide it's best to just go back up to the lawn before he notices me. he's made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me. i turn back and as i walk my heel catches on a rock. i gasp as i slip sideways, and feel two strong hands catching me under my arms to hold me up. `` whoa, careful, '' he says as he straightens me up. `` thanks, '' i reply as i turn to him and tuck my hair back behind my ears. `` you escaping from the commotion, too ? ''`` yeah. i don't really enjoy these things . ''`` really? you're so ... '' i trail off. `` what ? ''he asks with a grin. i groan. `` fine. i was going to say 'charming, ' ok ? ''`` i knew it, '' he replies jokingly.

`` well, whatever charm you might be noticing has been developed over many years of practice. my dad has been dragging me to these kinds of events for years. i know the routine. smile, shake hands, tell the kinds of jokes that don't make anyone think too hard . ''`` sounds ... horrible. but at least there's a lot of free food . ''he gives me a bemused glance. `` right. sometimes i forget i don't have to worry about that stuff anymore . ''`` you were, um, not well-off before our parents- '' he drops his gaze. `` i'd say we were struggling. but it was just the way i grew up. i never wanted for anything big, though we certainly frequented the goodwill racks often enough. but i don't want you to think ... i mean, my mom, she really cares for pierce . ''`` relax-i don't think your mom's a gold digger. there have always been some of those around, and i can practically smell them at this point. i mean, maybe at first i was worried, but i'm not now . ''`` was your mom- '' i begin, feeling brave.

`` i don't like to talk about her, '' he cuts me off, and chucks another rock out onto the water. it hits the surface with a plopping sound and sinks. `` sorry, '' i whisper. `` how's your shoulder ? ''`` hurts, '' he replies shortly. `` i'll see you up there, '' i say after a moment, since he's clearly done with the conversation. `` hey, '' he calls after me as i climb the steps. `` jackson and his parents are here. they're family friends. they're on the guest list every year . ''`` got it, thanks, '' i reply, before mounting the rest of the steps. that was considerate of him, and it sounds like he was telling me that he didn't invite jackson himself. as i walk across the lawn, i can see that the first guests are beginning to arrive. i wonder if now that i'm pierce's stepdaughter, i'm going be expected to put on the same song-and-dance routine as nate. usually if i have to go to a party, like my aunt's christmas party, i'll hang out for a while, and then disappear somewhere to read a book.

my fears are realized as my mom waves me over to where she and pierce are standing with two guests. i'm introduced to the couple, who turn out to be higher-ups for the state department, and my accomplishments are trotted out while they murmur enthusiastically, though i have to wonder if anyone could possibly be genuinely interested in such self-serving prattle. as we talk, my mom breaks away to greet the guests that are now pouring in. i listen politely as pierce chats away, impressed with his wit and charm. clearly nate gets it from his dad, even if he does insist that it's a learned skill. i manage to slip away and head over to the buffet table. like any good maryland girl, i absolutely love crabs. as i pile my plate high, i feel a hand on the small of my back. i turn to see jackson grinning at me. with his open, friendly face, it's hard to keep in mind what nate told me about him, and what i experienced for myself. `` hey, brynn ! ''he says, brushing a kiss against my cheek.

`` jackson, good to see you, '' i reply politely. `` you disappeared so fast the last time i saw you! i was worried, '' he replies. `` sorry about that, '' i respond, wondering if nate gave him any explanation. `` we ever going to go on that date ? ''i'm saved by the sight of allison walking out onto the deck. `` could you excuse me for a moment? my best friend just got here and she doesn't know anyone else, '' i explain as i slip away. i wave at her as i approach, but she's looking around nervously and doesn't register my presence. `` allison ! ''i call out, just ten feet from her. `` oh! oh my gosh, i didn't recognize you, '' she says. i give her a hug as i walk up. `` this party is really fancy! and this house! i mean you said it was big, but i didn't think it was this big . ''`` i know, '' i groan. `` i'll give you a tour later if you have a couple hours, '' i add wryly. `` come get something to eat with me-i was just filling up a plate. i'm so glad you're here.

i don't really know anyone else, and none of the interns have shown up yet . ''`` the interns ? ''allison asks as we head back over to the buffet, where i pick up my abandoned plate. `` yeah, pierce invited all the interns from the office . ''`` oh, that was nice of him, '' allison comments, picking up her own plate. `` wow, i think that guy's a senator ... the one in the blue seersucker jacket . ''i glance over. `` from georgia, yeah, '' i confirm. `` i think he and pierce served in congress at the same time . ''i start giggling and allison looks at me with a questioning smile. `` sorry, i just can't believe i'm talking about my stepfather serving in congress . ''`` this is your real life ! ''allison says, laughing. `` when do you think it'll sink in ? ''`` no idea, '' i reply as we head toward a couple empty seats at one of the tables. `` your mom looks really happy, '' allison observes as we sit. i watch her for a moment, flitting between conversations, so beautiful and animated. `` i think she is.

and she's just really good at cocktail-type conversation, too. like nate, though he says it doesn't come to him naturally . ''`` brynn ... '' allison says, raising an eyebrow at me. `` no, i mean, i'm just, you know ... '' i reply, trailing off. definitely not the time to tell allison that nate and i kissed, though i don't know if that time will ever come. i love allison, but thinking in shades of grey is not her strong suit. `` thought you two could use some drinks . ''i look up to see greg, the cute intern with the strawberry-blonde hair, standing next to us, three martini glasses carefully balanced between his long fingers. `` greg, hi! i'm so glad you could make it . ''i indicate the chair next to us and help him place down the glasses so that they don't spill their contents. `` greg, this is my friend allison. we go to college together . ''`` nice to meet you, '' allison says. `` you too. hope these drinks are ok with you.

i forget what the bartender called them ... '' `` freedom martinis, '' i answer, rolling my eyes. `` the name sucks, but they're really good . ''`` so where are you from originally, greg ? ''allison asks. `` raleigh, though i hope to move to dc after i graduate . ''i tune out slightly as allison and greg talk across me. i've just seen nate cross between groups of people, seeming to make conversation effortlessly. i look around to see if there's a girl trailing him, but i don't see one. this might be the first time i've seen him without a date at any kind of gathering. the idea that it could be because of me comes to my mind, but i quickly quash it. i can't let myself think like that. nate doesn't want that kind of relationship with me, probably even if i weren't his stepsister. i bet his date just got a cold last-minute or something. `` be right back, '' allison says. `` i have to get a second helping ! ''my attention snaps back to greg as she stands and leaves.

he scratches his cheek and clears his throat. i smile as a blush sneaks onto his freckle-dotted skin. `` you look ... um, that's a nice dress, '' he finally says. `` thanks . ''i smile, careful not to linger on the subject, `` so, you think you'll want to work in politics after school ends ? ''`` well, in government, '' he says with a smile. `` though i'm learning that one doesn't seem to exist without the other. i guess i need to work on the whole ... you know ... '' he waves his hand vaguely. `` kissing babies thing ? ''`` exactly, '' he smiles. `` so, ah, i was wondering ... '' my attention drifts from him again as i see my mom and pierce talking urgently by the house. my mom covers her face with her hands and pierce turns back to the party, his frown turning into a smile as if by magic. `` i'm so sorry, greg, could you excuse me? i think my mom might need me . ''`` oh, sure, '' he replies kindly as i rush toward the door into the study.

my mind runs through the possible scenarios as i hurry through the study and up the stairs. as i climb the second set of stairs up to the master suite on the third floor, i decide it must be my father. the last time i saw my mom look that upset, it was because my dad was back in town and pressuring her for money. i knock softly on the closed double door of their bedroom. `` mom ? ''i whisper quietly as i let myself in. `` what's wrong ? ''i gasp as i hurry in. she's curled up on top of the bedspread, like a broken doll. `` it's pierce, '' she murmurs without moving. `` his lawyer just called him. a woman has come forward accusing him of sexual harassment. it'll be on the news tomorrow . ''chapter thirteen `` oh no, '' i whisper, sitting next to her on the bed. `` i'm so sorry, mom . ''`` is it ... is it me ? ''she asks, turning her head as a tear drops down her cheek. `` what? what do you mean ? ''`` maybe it's me ... maybe it's my fault. it's like i'm a curse . ''

`` no, mom, no, '' i whisper, leaning down and pulling her hair out of her eyes. `` this isn't happening because of you. i mean, when did this even go on? the, you know, the ... '' i reply, unable to repeat those two ugly words : sexual harassment. `` several years ago, '' she replies. `` long before he ever met you, '' i point out. `` so, what? this woman's going on tv ? ''my mom nods. `` one of those investigation shows is doing a piece about sexual harassment in politics, and she's going to be interviewed . ''`` what are you going to do ? ''`` well, we'll have to batten down the hatches. we'll probably have to stay in the house for a few days, though luckily tomorrow's saturday anyway . ''`` no, that's not what i meant. i mean, if pierce sexually harassed a- '' `` i don't want to think about it . ''`` mom, you have to, '' i sigh. she's always been like the child in our relationship.

i'm tired of the dynamic, but i don't know how to break the pattern without our entire relationship falling apart. `` if pierce did that, then maybe you have to- '' `` don't say it. pierce and i are staying together. that's not a question. and even if he did do it, i'm sure it was a momentary weakness. it was just something that happened a long time ago, and he's changed . ''i shrug, feeling helpless. `` i want that to be true, mom, i really do. not for his sake, but for yours. i did hear a rumor at work, though, '' i say hesitatingly. `` what do you mean? what kind of rumor ? ''`` that ... pierce has a certain reputation . ''`` why didn't you tell me ? ''i want to tell her that it's because she's so fragile, but instead i just reply, `` because it was just a rumor that i heard from one person. i had no way of knowing if it were true . ''`` well, until there's some evidence or something, i'm going to believe pierce.

he said she was a woman at work who was denied a promotion she wanted, and now she's starting a jewelry line, and thought she might as well put her bitterness to good use and drum up some publicity . ''`` i guess that could be it, '' i say without conviction. my mom nods. `` i think i just want to be alone for a while. do you think you could go back to the party, and sort of act like the hostess for me? you know, make sure everyone's having a good time and all that? just say i have a headache if anyone asks after me . ''`` um, alright, '' i reply, not knowing what else to say. `` thanks, honey, '' my mom says, settling back onto the pillow. i stand and head for the door. `` i just can't believe it, '' i hear her murmur as i close the bedroom door behind me. i wish i didn't believe it either, but there's a telltale knot in the pit of my stomach that's telling me i do. i head back down to the party, taking the stairs slowly.

i'd rather be doing pretty much anything else right now than plastering a smile on my face and pretending everything's fine. but i know my mom's right-it will look odd if both of us disappear during the party. i reemerge out back and take a deep breath as i cross back over to greg and allison. `` sorry about that. my mom has a headache, i just wanted to check on her, '' i relay dutifully. greg and allison murmur sympathetically. i finish the rest of my food quickly, and with only one ear on their conversation, before standing up with my drink. i excuse myself and begin to mingle, trying to circulate and play the part of the hostess like my mom asked. i watch the fading light impatiently ; willing the sun to set as fast as possible so that this party can finally be over. the chipper event organizer i met earlier appears quietly at my side as i force a laugh at a partygoer's joke. `` have you seen mrs. thornhill ? ''it still throws me to hear my mom referred to like that. `` she's not feeling well.

can i help you with something ? ''`` would you like the lanterns to be lit now, or should we wait ? ''i glance around at the dimming light. `` now would be fine, thanks . ''she hurries away and i spot nate across the party, frowning at me. i avert my gaze quickly. if his dad hasn't told him what's going on yet, i don't want the task to fall on me. i see him making his way over, and excuse myself from my current conversation to disappear into a large group of people around the pool. just another hour or so and the fireworks will be done, and everyone will leave. the caterers move throughout the party, lighting candles on the tables and mini chinese lanterns strung in the trees. i take a moment to admire the scene : the beautiful white lights, the well-heeled crowd, the murmur of easy conversation. my mom does know how to throw a good party. i grab another drink as the twilight turns into night and people begin heading down to the lower lawn to get a better view of the fireworks.

with a sudden boom, the display begins. there are a few exclamations of excitement and some clapping as the crowd gathers to stare downriver at the explosions of color. i'm making my way toward the rear of the crowd when i feel a hand on the small of my back. i know before i even turn around that it's nate. `` what's going on ? ''he asks quietly, as i turn to face him. `` it's nothing. my mom just isn't feeling well, '' i reply. `` you're pulling at your hair, '' he points out, and i drop my hand, feeling caught. the crowd cheers as an especially colorful firework goes off above us. `` so ? ''`` i can read you like a book, brynn, '' he replies, leaning in. i can feel his breath on my cheek and step back, feeling flustered. `` i just think it's something that your dad should tell you, '' i say, and turn back to the fireworks, but i feel his hand on my elbow. `` would you just tell me? you and my dad are both acting strangely, and now your mom disappears ... i just want to know . ''

`` and here i thought i was covering well, '' i say, stalling for time. `` maybe to other people, but not to me . ''i stare at him for a moment as his features are illuminated by the light of one of my favorite, willow-shaped fireworks. `` there's a woman ... she's going to go on the news tomorrow and say that your dad sexually harassed her . ''`` that's crazy, '' he hisses at me. `` i'm just the messenger-you insisted i tell you- '' i stammer, taken aback by his tone. `` my dad, he's a great man. he's a pillar of the community- '' `` a pillar of the community ? ''`` what? he is ! ''`` it's just, sometimes the way you talk about him ... he's not perfect, nate . ''`` you don't know anything about him. when my mom abandoned us, he took care of me all by himself. he's always been there for me . ''`` ok, i'm just- '' but nate storms off back to the house. i stand in shock for a moment.

i knew that conversation wasn't going to be fun, but i didn't think he'd turn on me like that, as though i were attacking pierce, or something. i turn back toward the crowd just as the finale begins and the sky lights up. i glance at the people around me, their faces upturned, their expressions joyous. maybe it was silly of me to look forward to everyone leaving. because now i realize that tomorrow, it will be back to the four of us alone in the house-and no buffer zone. my eyes fall on pierce and i realize he's staring at me. he smiles quickly when he realizes that i'm looking at him, and leads the applause as the last firework dies out. chapter fourteen i was half-worried that the plan was for all four of us to watch the tv program together, but thankfully there's no such expectation. or at least, i haven't been told of it. it's the first time in a while my mom hasn't insisted on a family dinner.

she's been holed up in her room most of the day, while pierce fields calls from his attorneys in his study. i decide to grab some leftover pasta from the fridge to eat in my room, and peer into nate's room as i pass. no sign of him. i shut my door behind me and open my computer to check out some of the coverage online. i feel nauseous as i read the woman's claims, though slightly relieved that she isn't accusing pierce of any kind of violence. she talks mostly about lingering touches, shoulder massages, and being stonewalled by management when she complained. i finish eating and click around the internet for a while, feeling restless. when i can't stand my boredom any longer, i take my plate and walk back down to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. the phone on the counter rings as i'm headed past it. i pause for a moment, waiting to see if someone else is going to answer it. what if it's a reporter? do i just say 'no comment, ' like they do on tv? on the third ring, i decide to bite the bullet.

`` hello ? ''`` hi, is nate there ? ''a female voice asks breathlessly. ah, another admirer. `` sorry, i don't think he is, '' i reply honestly. `` can i take a message ? ''there's a slight pause. `` is this holly ? ''`` no, this is her daughter, brynn. may i ask who's calling ? ''there's another long pause, and i begin to feel uneasy. `` it's eileen ... nate's mom . ''i almost drop the phone in surprise. `` oh, um, i don't- '' `` wait! please, please don't hang up. i just saw the news, and thought that nate might be willing to talk to me now . ''`` i don't understand . ''`` because he'll know the truth about pierce, and then maybe he won't believe whatever he says about me . ''`` i'm sorry, i don't think i should be in the middle of this . ''whatever it is. `` please, please ... '' i hear her gasp and the clear sound of crying. `` i haven't talked to nate in so long ... he's my son, he's my son . ''`` but you chose to leave him ... '' `` is that what pierce told you ? ''`` no, nate . ''

`` he heard it from pierce. i left pierce because he was cheating on me. but pierce is used to having everything his own way, and he was furious. he was the one with the money, i came into the marriage with nothing, and signed a pre-nup. i mean, i barely even looked at the thing at the time-i thought we'd be together forever. he had an expensive lawyer and managed to get full custody in the divorce. i never had a chance. i've been trying to get in touch with nate for years to tell him the truth ... i left pierce, not nate. i would never leave my son. i never would have divorced pierce, even though he was cheating on me, if i had known i'd never see my son again. i thought after seeing this woman on tv, maybe he'd believe me ... '' she dissolves into sobs. `` eileen, eileen, it's ok, '' i whisper, feeling sick. something about what she's telling me rings true. i can feel it in my gut. `` i want to help you, but ... nate, he's really touchy about his father. i don't know what i can do . ''

`` i know, and i'm sorry to put this on you. i call the house now and then trying to get nate, and i was just hoping that he would pick up tonight and not hang up on me . ''a sound behind me makes me fly around. pierce is standing in the doorway to the dining room. `` everything ok ? ''he asks. `` yep, everything's fine, pierce, '' i reply so that eileen can hear me. `` just take down my number, alright ? ''eileen says quietly. `` please, just tell him what i said . ''i write the number down on a small notepad on the counter, conscious that pierce is watching me. `` got it, thanks. talk to you later, '' i say, and hang up. `` not a reporter, i hope, '' pierce says with a sad smile. `` no, just a friend, '' i reply as nonchalantly as possible, and rip the paper off the pad and stuff it in my pocket. `` god, this has been the longest day of my life, '' he says with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair. `` i hope you and your mom don't get dragged into anything.

there might be some reporters hanging out by the gate tomorrow. probably best to just avoid them . ''`` sure, no problem . ''he looks so tired, and i find myself quickly feeling sorry for him. he seems so genuine right now that it's hard to believe what eileen and this other woman are saying about him. the man in front of me paints such a different picture. `` on the other hand, though, i'm glad that you and your mom are here right now. maybe it's selfish of me. but i don't think i'd make it through all this without her. she's really brought light back into my life . ''`` she's ... yeah, she's great, '' i reply awkwardly. `` are you having a good time at the internship? not too much busy work, i hope . ''`` no, not at all, pierce. it's wonderful, thank you . ''he nods. `` well, i better get back to work. you'd think i'd have gotten a lot done, considering how long i've been in there, but i've just been staring at the wall . ''`` oh, well, i'll see you tomorrow then . ''`` 'night . ''

`` goodnight . ''i walk back upstairs with the phone number burning a hole in my pocket. it's amazing to me that i've gone from being almost sure that pierce is lying, to feeling like i've betrayed his trust in the span of one short conversation with him. is he telling the truth, or does he just possess a consummate politician's ability to spin the story for himself? i get ready for bed slowly, my mind wandering uncontrollably. before this summer, i felt sure of things in my life. sure of my ideas and opinions. sure that i was right. but i feel less and less sure of myself the longer i stay in this house. just as i finish brushing my teeth, i hear a thud from the hallway, then a groan. that sounded like nate. with a frown, i open my bedroom door. sure enough, there's nate, lying on the carpet just outside his own room. i hesitate, realizing i'm wearing my little nightgown, but figure he's seen me in it already. `` nate? are you ok? what happened ? ''i murmur, hurrying to kneel next to him.

the whiff of alcohol coming off of him gives it away before he says anything. `` i'm so drunk, brynn, '' he says, beginning to laugh. `` shhh, you'll wake up our parents, '' i admonish him. `` why are you on the floor ? ''`` tripped. on my own foot, '' he replies with a sigh. `` well, come on, get up, '' i order him, sliding a hand under his torso to pull him upward. he slowly obeys and stands on his feet, where he sways dangerously. `` ok, now in here, '' i continue, pushing his bedroom door open with my foot as i slide an arm around his back to stabilize him. i feel his muscles clench under his t-shirt as we walk. not the time, brynn. `` shoes off, '' i order him as we reach the bed. `` mmm, '' he grunts, as he kicks them off. `` i'm getting you some water. don't move . ''i hurry back to my bedroom and grab my water glass from the bedside table, then refill it from the tap in my bathroom before heading back to his room.

i shut the door behind me to keep the noise from filtering around the house, then stop in surprise as i see that nate has stripped down to his boxers and is standing at the foot of his bed. `` thanks, '' he slurs, as i hesitantly walk forward and hand him the water. i watch him gulp the whole glass down, the grey moonlight from the window illuminating his ripped torso. he puts the glass down on his desk and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he sways slightly. `` you alright ? ''i ask worriedly. `` i've never seen you drunk before . ''`` don't really drink. no time. work, practice, work, game . ''`` and i thought i was the nerd, '' i tease him. `` you're funny, '' he says, cocking his head slightly, then takes a step toward me. `` nate ... '' i say as my core clenches. `` yes, brynn ? ''he asks innocently. `` you said this was wrong. those were your words, '' i remind him. `` do you think it's wrong ? ''he takes another step toward me, and looks down at me.

`` i- '' his hand reaches around my waist. `` does it feel wrong ? ''`` yes ... no, '' i breathe. i barely have time to inhale before his mouth is on mine. his mouth tastes like whiskey, but i don't care. i wrap my hands around his neck and he grabs my ass with both hands, our kiss picking up right where our last one broke off. i dig my fingers into his hair as our mouths open to one another. he pulls me roughly against him and groans deep in his throat as our bodies collide. suddenly he stumbles back, steadying himself on my shoulders. `` sorry, '' he whispers, shaking his head as though to clear it. `` will you just stay with me for a while ? ''`` yes, of course, '' i reply immediately, even though i'm taken aback by his request. i watch him turn to his bed and crawl over to his pillow, then curl up on his side and look at me expectantly. i pause, then follow him, crawling across the bedspread and curling around his back.

i bury my head between his shoulder blades then drape my arm over his waist, and feel him take my hand in his and pull me closer against him. i lie as still as i can, barely breathing. i can't believe he's letting me touch him like this. well, he is wasted, but still. i never thought he'd be so vulnerable around me. i hear his breathing deepen. `` i've always looked up to him, '' he murmurs, startling me. `` i know, '' i whisper back, knowing that he's talking about his dad. `` i don't know what i would do if he- '' `` i know, '' i murmur, softly kissing the back of his neck. he stills on his pillow, and his breathing slows down again. i stay with him for a while, until i know he's asleep. i need to understand nate's feelings about his mother before i tell him what she told me. his world is already falling apart around him, and i don't want to make it happen faster. i sigh. i should probably go back to my room. i turn over with a sigh and frown.

my sheets feel different, and the light coming in from the window is much too bright. i blink my eyes open and then sit up with a gasp. i'm in nate's room. `` it's ok. '' i glance up to see nate sitting at his desk with a glass of water, his tousled hair sticking out at odd angles. `` they left early this morning for meetings. your door is closed, so they thought you were still asleep in there . ''`` oh, good, '' i reply. i realize my nightgown is riding dangerously high on my thigh and pull up the sheet self-consciously. `` coffee, '' nate says, pointing to the bedside table next to me. i glance over and see he's placed a steaming cup there. `` cream and one sugar, right ? ''`` yeah, thanks, '' i reply, reaching for it. `` sorry about last night. i don't remember anything after i got home . ''i smile even though i'm disappointed that he doesn't remember the kiss. `` you were drunk, and just asked me to stay here for a bit. i didn't mean to fall asleep . ''i glance at the clock.

`` shit, it's almost eleven? i never sleep that late . ''`` i didn't get up 'til nine-that's late for me . ''my mind quickly returns to my concerns from last night. `` i-i know you don't like to talk about this, but your mom- '' `` what about her ? ''he says, already sounding defensive. i need to tread carefully. `` i know that it's painful to talk about, i just wanted to know : why did she leave ? ''nate crosses his arms over his chest. `` eileen left because she couldn't handle being a mother . ''`` what do you mean? how so ? ''`` i was out of control when i was a kid, and she couldn't handle it. couldn't handle me . ''`` that's what your dad told you . ''`` that's what happened, '' nate replies, frowning at me. `` i still remember the night she left. they went out for dinner, and i stayed home with a babysitter. one of many, because i kept driving them away, and i misbehaved again. i threw a tantrum, broke a glass ... i'm pretty sure the babysitter quit as soon as my parents got home.

anyway, they got in this big fight-i could hear it even in my bedroom-and the next day she left . ''`` and you've never seen her again ? ''`` in court a couple times. but after that, she wasn't really interested in seeing me. she tries to call here sometimes, maybe she feels guilty. she always tries to blame my dad for what went down, '' he adds bitterly. `` did you think that if ... if you had been better, she wouldn't have left ? ''he shrugs. `` doesn't matter now. why are you asking about this stuff? did i talk about it when i was drunk or something ? ''`` no, no . ''i put my coffee down on the nightstand. `` she called here last night . ''`` eileen? you talked to her ? ''`` well, yeah, she was really upset . ''`` fuck, brynn, '' he swears, standing up. `` why would you do that? this has nothing to do with you . ''`` i was just trying to help ... '' `` i don't need your help, '' he spits at me. `` would you just listen for a second ?!

she called because she thought you might be willing to listen to her after what the woman said on the tv show- '' `` what are you talking about ? ''he growls. `` she said your dad was cheating on her, that's why she left. nothing to do with you . ''`` get out, '' he says, raising his voice and pointing to the door. `` nate, my dad left, too, ok? i know what it's like. but she sounded so lost, she's desperate to talk to you. i'd kill for my dad to sound like that about me . ''`` oh, so that's what this is about, your daddy issues . ''`` no! that's not what i meant, '' i plead, his words stinging to my core. `` look, i'm sorry that your dad isn't around, but your whole situation has nothing to do with mine ! ''`` fine ! ''i shout, feeling hurt. i push off the sheets and stand up. `` i promised her i'd tell you, so i did. i'll never try to help you again . ''`` that's all i ask ! ''he calls after me as i stomp out of his room. i slam my bedroom door behind me, my fists balled in anger.

i walk straight to my bed and grab my pillow and swing it down as hard as i can onto the mattress. i. can't. believe. i. ever. had. feelings. for. that. asshole. i think as i bring the pillow down again and again until i'm out of breath. it's officially time for me to move on. chapter fifteen `` you look nice, '' my mom says as i enter the kitchen, giving me a wink. `` mom ... '' i reply, rolling my eyes. `` well, you do! where are you two going tonight ? ''`` la mirabelle . ''`` french-how romantic ! ''`` it's just a first date, ok? don't get too excited . ''i turn as nate and pierce enter from the dining room. `` i just have a good feeling about this one, that's all . ''she continues, pouring me a glass of water, `` and he's picking you up, right ? ''`` oh, do you have a date tonight, brynn ? ''pierce asks, wiggling his eyebrows at my mother. `` yes, '' i groan, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. `` greg! the intern from your office, '' my mom tells him. `` well, well.

you know, i remember seeing you two huddled together in the copy room last week, and thinking to myself, 'those two would make a fine couple . ' ''i blush as my mom smiles enthusiastically. it's amazing how quickly things have gotten back to normal after that woman went on tv. for about a week, a handful of photographers waited around outside the gate, but they eventually left when the buzz died down. pierce told us he has investigators working to discredit the woman's claims, and that everything will be back to normal. as for nate and me ... `` so it'll just be the three of us for dinner then, '' my mom chirps. `` two, actually. i'm going out tonight, as well, '' nate replies casually. i manage to resist the urge to look at him. `` oh ? ''my mom asks. `` nate, you should've let holly know about your plans. how many times have i had this conversation with you? responsibility, responsibility, responsibility, '' pierce says as he crosses to the fridge.

i glance at my mom, but she's looking down at her chopping board. `` sorry, holly, '' nate says dutifully. `` it's alright, really, '' my mom says quietly. thankfully, the doorbell rings and i can excuse myself. angry as i am at nate, i still don't like to hear his dad speak to him in such a condescending way. i walk down the hallway to the foyer, and hear my mom and pierce following me. i wince. i was hoping i'd get out the door without them all meeting-wishful thinking, clearly. i smile at greg as i open the door. he's wearing a navy blazer and khakis, and looks a little nervous. `` hey, greg, '' i greet him. `` greg! it's so nice to meet you, '' my mom says from behind me, forcing me to open the door all the way. `` good to see you, '' pierce says, shaking his hand. `` mr. thornhill, '' greg replies formally. i see nate appear in the entrance to the living room, leaning casually on the doorjamb but saying nothing. he smiles at me as i catch his eye. i frown at him and look away.

`` have her home by ten, '' pierce instructs greg. `` yes, sir, '' greg replies. pierce slaps him on the back just as i'm about to protest. `` don't worry, greg, i'm just giving you a hard time . ''`` oh, you had me for a second there, '' greg says, exhaling in relief. `` well, we should get going, '' i cut in so that pierce doesn't have the chance to make any more hilarious jokes. `` see you later ! ''i call, pulling the door closed behind me. i just catch nate's smirking expression before i shut the door. `` you alright ? ''greg asks as we walk to his car. i force a smile and nod my head. `` yes, sorry! my mind wandered for a second. so, have you ever been to this restaurant before ? ''greg chose a very nice french restaurant for our date, it's a cozy, softly lit place set in the hills of potomac. the wait staff is clearly passionate about their food, and delighted to have a young couple on a date that they can fawn over. `` so, how is it working for your stepdad ? ''greg asks with a grin.

`` you know, it's not that bad. i hardly ever think twice about it, really. he's all the way at the top of the company, and i'm all the way at the bottom, so we rarely interact on a day-to-day basis . ''`` speaking of being at the bottom, roderick called me steven yesterday, '' greg says, referencing pierce's business partner. i laugh. `` no! is there even a steven working there ? ''`` nope! that's the worst part. who knows who he was thinking of ... '' he shakes his head remorsefully. `` how come pierce's son isn't working at thornhill and co.? didn't want to work with his dad ? ''`` um, the opposite, actually. pierce is pretty hard on nate ... i feel kind of guilty about the whole thing because i think nate wanted the internship, and then pierce offered it to me to punish him. i tried not to accept, but pierce insisted, and we'd just met, you know? i didn't want to be rude.

not to mention, my mom and pierce haven't known each other for very long, so i was a little taken aback by how quickly they'd gotten married ... '' i bite my lip. `` sorry, wow. i'm rambling . ''`` it's ok, i get it. my parents are divorced, too . ''`` well, mine aren't actually divorced. they weren't married in the first place, '' i clarify. but greg isn't listening-he's squinting at the entrance to the restaurant. `` speaking of ... isn't that nate now? did you tell him we were coming here ? ''`` no, what? it can't be him, '' i reply, turning around to look. but sure enough, there he is, with a brunette stunner on his arm. that asshole! there's no way this is a coincidence-he must have overheard me telling my mom that greg was taking me here. `` brynn ! ''nate says with a smile, leading his date over as the hostess trails them. `` i didn't know you guys were coming here too! greg, right? i'm nate . ''`` good to meet you, '' greg says, shaking his outstretched hand.

`` and this is sophie, '' nate adds, indicating his date. `` hey, '' she says, glancing up for a moment from the cellphone in her hands. `` did you all want to sit together ? ''the hostess asks. `` we could pull another table over . ''i could kill her. `` what do you think ? ''nate asks greg, his grin at full-wattage. `` um, yeah, sure, why not ? ''greg complies. i quickly stand and make my way over to greg as a waiter helps the hostess pull another small table over. i'm not going to sit next to nate and risk a repeat of that thigh-touching incident. `` i'll let you two sit next to each other, '' i explain with a saccharine smile as i take a seat next to greg. `` we just ordered so you're not too far behind, '' greg says as the hostess hands nate and sophie menus. `` could we get a bottle of dom for the table ? ''nate asks the waiter, who nods happily and scurries off. `` oh, you don't have to- '' greg begins. `` no, i insist. we're interrupting your date here, '' nate replies magnanimously.

`` i love champagne, '' sophie pipes up, finally putting her phone away. i narrow my eyes at nate and he studiously avoids my gaze. `` so, what were you two lovebirds talking about before we got here ? ''nate asks greg. `` nothing, really, '' greg replies glancing at me. `` you know, with your light hair, you two could almost be related. cousins, maybe, '' nate observes, leaning back in his chair. i swiftly kick his shin under the table. i see his jaw tighten but he doesn't even make a sound. `` oh my god, totally ! ''sophie agrees. `` i made out with my cousin once, but i didn't know he was my cousin at the time. but then it happened again ... '' i glare at nate as sophie launches into her story, and he smiles back at me. it's going to be a long night. chapter sixteen i spin around in nate's desk chair as he shuts his bedroom door behind him. i've been waiting here, fuming, ever since greg dropped me off twenty minutes ago. `` jesus! what are you, a bond villain ? ''he asks, genuinely startled.

`` what were you thinking ?! i know you did that on purpose to ruin my date, you fucker ! ''nate shrugs. `` come on, you really going to tell me you were having a great time before i got there ? ''`` oh, so you were just helping me out, is that it? greg was completely weirded out by the whole thing . ''`` sophie had a nice time . ''`` sophie, please! where'd you find her? a high school dance ? ''`` i like her, '' he says with a smug grin as he sits on his bed. `` oh, really? so why aren't you with her right now? couldn't seal the deal ? ''his smile falters a bit. `` maybe i didn't feel like it . ''`` well, i guess there's a first time for everything. just stay out of my life, ok ? ''i say, and stalk toward the door. `` i'll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine, '' he counters. i turn to face him, `` is that what this is about? you're mad because i told you your mom called, so you try to ruin my date ? ''i hold out my hands in surrender. `` no, it wasn't that . ''`` then what?

i don't have time to play games with a crazy man-child . ''`` i'm sorry, alright? i just didn't like seeing you with that guy ... something about his face is just, so punch-able, '' he says, standing up and walking over to me. `` why? this is the second time you've come between me and a guy . ''i hold up a hand to stop him from protesting. `` and yeah, i know, jackson wasn't a good choice, but that's not the case with greg, ok? he's a nice guy. so tell me, why do you care ? ''i challenge him as he looks down at me. there's a long pause as his pupils dilate, i can practically feel him struggling with the truth, but i refuse to move until he admits it. `` you know why, '' he says, looking me in the eye, his voice low and husky. before i know what's happening, his arms are around me, pulling me against him. his urgency takes my breath away-his fingers reach desperately under my shirt, grabbing at my bra strap and expertly undoing the clasps.

his mouth devours mine as he reaches back around my waist and picks me up effortlessly, bringing me over to his bed. as nate puts me down, i realize my bra is hanging free in the back, and he breaks away from our kiss to rip off my top. he pauses to look down at my breasts curving out of my limp bra before diving into my neck. `` oh god, brynn, i have to have you, '' he groans. i gasp as he sinks his teeth into my skin and then flicks his tongue across my taut neck muscles on his way up to my ear. my knees buckle as his tongue presses into my ear, and i grab onto his neck for support. my mind can't keep up with what's happening, all my thoughts are a blur, but my body is urging me on, desperately. as he sucks on my earlobe, i slide my hands down and under his shirt, finally feeling the body i've coveted for so long. his abs are even harder than i thought they would be, and they flex under my soft fingertips.

i keep sliding my hands upward, feeling his nipples harden under my palms, and i feel the growing bulge of his cock pressing against my thigh ...i turn nate thornhill on. holy fuck. the thought drives me crazy and i feel myself instantly become moist with wanting, my body overcome with illicit, sinful lust. no man has ever made me feel this way before. he steps back for a moment and pulls off his shirt, tossing it carelessly on the ground, revealing his incredible body for all its glory. thousands of hours spent at the gym on and on the field have painstakingly sculpted his muscles into a fucking masterpiece for womankind. he slowly reaches forward and takes my bra straps under his expert fingers, pulling them off my arms and tossing my bra onto the pile of clothes on the floor. i shiver involuntarily as he looks down my exposed body, exhaling softly out of his mouth. he sinks to his knees in front of me and leans forward, kissing me gently on my stomach.

i place my hands on his shoulders as he moves up, running his tongue underneath the crease of my breasts. i cry out as he takes my right breast into his mouth, sucking hard on my nipple. he brings one hand up to massage my left breast, and i dip my head back, feeling pleasure swell in my body like i never have before. i feel his fingers hook over the top of my skirt and slowly pull it down as his mouth moves to my left breast, softly biting it before flicking his tongue back and forth across my areola. i hear my skirt fall to the floor and his hands glide up my legs from my knees, his thumbs hooking around my inner thigh. he dips his head and kisses me softly just above the top of my white cotton underwear. `` i've been dreaming about how sweet you taste, '' he murmurs, almost inaudibly. he pulls my panties down just a bit and runs his tongue over the now exposed skin. i begin to shake, a mixture of unbridled desire and nerves, as he slides my underwear down to my ankles.

i feel his warm breath on my skin, just a moment before his mouth is on me, kissing and licking my most intimate of places. i moan involuntarily at the sensation ... it's completely new to me, and it feels better than i ever could have imagined. he flicks his tongue across my aching clit, sending jolts of rapture through every inch of me. with one hand i tighten my grip on his strong shoulders, digging my fingers into his hair with the other, and letting my head dip back in utter bliss as he licks my pussy with slow, strong strokes. `` oh my god, nate ... '' i hear myself moan from far away as i'm carried off by wave after wave of pleasure. before i know what's happening, my body spasms, and i feel nate grab my ass to keep me upright and pressed against his skillful mouth. as i begin to come down, i feel his licks becoming gentler.

he reaches up and puts his finger to my lips, and i instinctively take it into my mouth, licking and sucking his finger, thinking about how incredible it would feel to do this to another part of him ...he pulls his finger out of my mouth and slips it carefully inside my tight pussy. he circles it around slowly, and i can hear him grunt in satisfaction at my wetness. my eyes begin to open slowly and i glance down at him. he catches my eye and stands up, dipping his head down and catching me in a kiss, his finger still inside me. my eyes widen as i taste myself on his lips and he pushes his tongue inside me with abandon. `` i'm going to make you feel so fucking good, '' he promises with a wicked smile, undoing his belt buckle and unzipping his pants in one fluid motion before pushing them and his boxers to the ground. i gape at his massive cock as it's unsheathed from his underwear.

its size snaps me back to the reality of what's about to happen, and i feel overcome with fear and adrenalin ... but i can't take my eyes off it. i want to feel him inside of me so much, but i think there's one thing i need to tell him first. he bites his lip and moves against me again. i can feel his cock, throbbing and ready, against my stomach. he wraps his arms around me, and eases me back onto the bed and lays on top of me, kissing my neck. `` nate ... i ... i have to tell you ... '' i murmur, his mouth a complete distraction. `` mmm, whatever it is, it doesn't matter now, '' he replies, biting my earlobe. `` it might, though. i just thought i should tell you, or warn you maybe, in case i'm not very good- '' `` i doubt that- '' `` i'm a virgin . ''i feel his body stiffen as the words cross my lips. he pulls back and looks me in the eye. `` what? no. no way . ''i nod. `` but it's ok. i want to do this . ''`` how ... how are you a virgin ? ''oh, dear.

this is not the kind of conversation i want to have right now. `` i don't know, i just am. it just hasn't happened yet, but i'm ready now . ''i assure him. `` but you've ... you must have done some things ... '' he begins worriedly. `` yeah, sure, you know, kissing ... '' `` and? wait, was that the first time anyone's ever gone down on you ? ''i can only shrug. `` i didn't think it would be that big of a deal. i just was telling you, in case i'm not that good, or if i bleed or something . ''he rolls off of me and sits up. shit. `` brynn, it is a big deal, it's a very big deal to me . ''`` i don't understand ... '' i reply, sitting up and pulling the sheet over to cover me, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. `` it's just, your first time ... it's going to mean a lot to you . ''`` so ? ''i say, confused. he spreads his hands open on his legs but doesn't say anything. i feel a sensation like a rock sinking to the bottom of my stomach.

`` oh ... you're saying it will mean a lot to me, but it won't mean a lot to you . ''i stare straight forward as he turns to me. `` brynn, you're smart, gorgeous, funny, ambitious ... you're wonderful ... but like i told you before, i don't lie to women and say that i'm interested in something more when i'm not . ''`` i guess i forgot about your policy, '' i reply flatly, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. the biggest naked idiot in the world. `` could you ... could you close your eyes ? ''`` brynn, i've seen- '' `` just close them, ok ? ''i glance at him to make sure he's complied, and then stand up and begin to gather my clothes from the floor. i slip everything back on as quickly as i can, and then look back at him. his eyes are closed, and he's sitting nude and perfectly still on the edge of the bed. he looks as perfect as i've ever seen him look, which is really saying something. my heart breaks a little, as i move to the door and shut it behind me.

i hurry down the hall and into my own bedroom, which now feels cold and empty. i crawl into bed without bothering to take off my clothes and pull the covers over me. i'm no different to nate thornhill than any of the other girls he's been with, and i should have known that. stupid, stupid, stupid. i hear a soft knock at the door and pull the covers up a little higher, but don't answer. if it's my mom, i don't want to see her, and if it's nate, i really don't want to see him. there's another knock, a little louder, and then the door is slowly pushed open. i can just see nate's shadow in the moonlight. he closes the door behind him and moves into the room. to my surprise, he walks around the foot of my bed and to the other side, then hops on, lying down over the covers next to me. `` i'm sorry, '' he whispers, laying his hands over his stomach. `` you don't have to apologize. you were just being honest . ''`` no, i think i do. and i'll stop interfering with you and other guys . ''

i clear my throat to keep the pain down. `` good . ''`` i don't really have female friends ... '' he says. `` dana ? ''`` dana and i are, well, fuck buddies, mostly. and that's what she wants, too, so it's ok. '' `` mmm . ''`` but i'd ... i'd like us to be friends . ''`` we're already step-siblings, '' i point out. i can hear him smile next to me. `` true. but that wasn't by choice . ''he pauses. `` i like you. i can't deny that i'm attracted to you, of course, but i'm just not the relationship kind of guy. not to mention the kind of issues that dating my own stepsister would bring up . ''he sighs. `` so can we be friends ? ''i consider for a moment. if i'm nate's only female friend, then i really am different to him. maybe not in the way i'd most like, but still, it's something. `` ok. friends, then. wait, actually, '' i turn onto my side and face him. `` before we're officially friends, i have to ask you some non-friend questions . ''`` ok ... '' he replies warily, turning on his side, too.

`` was i ... am i ... ok at all that stuff? you know ... '' he laughs. `` what we just did, you mean? yes. you are more than ok at it . ''i smile. `` when did you lose your virginity ? ''`` when i was fourteen . ''`` wow . ''`` she was my friend's older sister . ''`` wow . ''`` how many women have you slept with ? ''`` oh my god, i don't even know ... '' `` wait, really? you don't even know ? ''`` i mean, dozens? i don't count . ''`` sheesh. ok, one more : why aren't you the relationship kind of guy ? ''he pauses. `` i don't know, '' he says softly. `` i tried a couple times, but that kind of closeness, it just makes me uncomfortable. that's all i know . ''i nod, sensing he's telling me everything he can, and roll back over onto my back. i like the feeling of lying here with him next to me. i feel much more comfortable than i would have thought possible. i feel my eyes beginning to flutter closed as sleep pulls me under. `` brynn ... i ... ''i can just hear nate say.

`` you're going to make some man very happy one day . ''chapter seventeen `` i'm just glad the whole thing has blown over, '' greg says as we pull off the beltway. i nod as i look out at the trees whizzing by in the dark. the woman who accused pierce of sexual harassment rescinded her claims after it turned out she had accused two other former bosses of the same thing. `` it just feels like there's been a shadow over the office for the last month . ''`` yeah, '' i reply noncommittally. greg clears his throat as we near my house. `` so, i'm glad we got the chance to go out again, '' he says. `` me too, '' i reply with a smile. this is our third date, and he still hasn't tried anything. i'm wondering if tonight will be the night. a nervous silence falls over the car as we pull through the gates and onto the driveway. he stops in front of the house and then turns to me. `` why don't i walk you to your door, '' he suggests. `` sure . ''a few butterflies begin to fly around in my stomach.

we undo our seat belts and hop out, meeting around the front of the car and walking up to the front door. i glance at him out of the corner of my eye and wish there were something calming i could say to him, because he looks way more nervous than i do. we reach the door and turn to each other. `` well, goodnight, '' he says. `` goodnight . ''he pauses, looking into my eyes, and then begins to move forward. i lean in, and close my eyes. his lips touch mine and i frown slightly. i mean, there's nothing wrong with his lips or anything, but i thought i'd feel ... more. he keeps his mouth chastely pressed against mine for a few seconds and then pulls back and smiles at me. `` goodnight, brynn, '' he says again. `` goodnight, '' i reply, and turn to go inside. i shut the door behind me, and lean back against it, disappointed. greg and i get along well, and he's such a nice guy-i'd hoped i would eventually develop romantic feelings for him ... but that kiss ... was not so good.

i sigh and continue through the foyer and into the kitchen. `` hey, '' nate greets me. i stop as a buzz runs through me at just the sight of him. that's the feeling i can't manufacture when i'm with greg. `` hey. you go for a run ? ''i ask, taking in his sweaty appearance. `` yeah, well, just on the treadmill. too dark for a trail run. did you ... did you have a nice time tonight ? ''i glance over at him. he gulps a long sip from a gatorade bottle and then puts it down on the counter. `` um, yeah, it was good, '' i reply. `` i was just going to watch a movie in the den if you're interested . ''`` fine, but i choose tonight, '' i reply with a smile. we've both committed to this whole being friends thing, though at times i feel like i'm going through the motions. i don't know if i'll ever be able to turn off the part of me that will always want more from him. `` no romantic comedies, '' he says, as he walks to the door of the kitchen. `` i'm just going to hop in the shower really fast . ''

the phone on the counter rings and he steps toward it, but it only rings once. we both look toward pierce's study as raised voices emanate from that direction. a moment later, we hear stomping coming our way and frown at each other in concern. pierce storms in and walks to the fridge. `` reporter ? ''nate asks quietly. `` your mother, '' pierce replies, equally quietly, though there's a hint of venom in his voice. my eyes flick over to nate. i hope i haven't made the situation worse by taking her call that one time. he meets my gaze and shakes his head quickly as though to warn me not to say anything. `` i don't know how she got this new number-it's unlisted. that bitch just won't give up . ''my mouth drops open at pierce's language. i've never even heard him swear before, and it's so at odds with his genteel appearance that it sounds even more shocking coming out of his mouth. `` we're going to go watch a movie, '' i murmur, wanting to get away from him when he's in this kind of mood.

i can feel the waves of anger coming off of him. but pierce swings around to face nate, the gatorade bottle in his hand. `` how many fucking times have i told you to clean up after yourself ? ''he growls, and i shrink back. `` i wasn't done drinking- '' nate begins. `` don't interrupt me! you think the rest of the world is just here to serve you? that everyone else exists to make your cushy life a little easier? you've never had to work for anything in your life. it's pathetic, '' pierce spits at his son. i remain frozen on the other side of the counter, feeling like a coward, and not knowing what i should say. i see color rise in nate's cheeks, but all he says is, `` yes, sir . ''with that, pierce slams the bottle back on the counter and walks back toward his office without even looking at me. nate remains motionless for a moment, then walks over to the bottle, drinks the rest of it, and tosses it into the recycling.

`` i'm sorry, you didn't deserve- '' i start, feeling horrified by the scene i just witnessed. `` you still want to watch that movie ? ''nate asks, tilting his head toward me but not making eye contact. `` yes, '' i whisper back, unsure of what else to do or say. `` ok, meet you in there in ten minutes, '' nate says simply and walks out. i wait until i can hear him walking up the stairs before i move. i've never heard a father talk to his son like that before, and our old neighborhood wasn't exactly full of model families. and the way nate's shoulders slumped as pierce was speaking to him, it was like he agreed with what his father was saying about him. i walk up the stairs to my room and change into my sweats, before heading back downstairs to make some popcorn-food always makes me feel better. as soon as it's finished popping, i head into the den to wait for nate. should i tell my mom about what pierce just did? would she even listen?

she seems to have drunk the pierce kool-aid pretty heavily by this point. and now that pierce has been the victim of false allegations, it will be even harder for her to believe anything bad about him. i glance up, frowning, as nate walks in and sits down on the couch next to me. `` i can tell by that expression on your face that you want to talk, '' he begins. i smile slightly, he knows me well. `` but the stuff with my parents-it's off-limits, ok ? ''but i need to tell him that those things pierce said aren't true. `` just- '' `` no, brynn. i really want us to be able to keep hanging out. but if you keep bringing it up ... '' i sigh. `` fine. i won't say anything. in exchange, though ... '' i walk to the wide bookcases full of dvd options. `` no romantic comedies ! ''`` big fish, '' i say, pulling out the case. `` is that a romantic comedy ? ''he asks, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. `` well, not really.

there is romance in it, but it's more about a family, '' i explain, careful not to mention the predominant father-son themes. `` hey, friendships have to have some compromise, '' i add with a smile. `` ok, fine, '' he says, rolling his eyes. he takes a handful of popcorn and leans against one end of the couch as i pop the dvd in. as i make myself comfortable on the other end, he pulls a blanket from the back of the couch and arranges it over my feet, because he knows that they get cold. i feel a pang in my chest at the small gesture, but try to push it away. he's not being romantic, just thoughtful. i look up at the large tv screen as the picture comes up. i feel more comfortable around nate than i do with anyone else in my life right now, so i have to settle for being friends with him. otherwise i could lose him altogether. chapter eighteen `` you and nate head down there so we don't lose the reservation ! ''my mom instructs me.

she planned a family outing to go rafting on the potomac, but pierce is stuck at the office in meetings, even though it's a saturday. `` i'll swing by and get him and meet you there . ''`` you sure ? ''`` yeah, he said he'd only be a little longer, '' she assures me. `` ok, '' i reply with a shrug, and walk into the anteroom off the kitchen where nate is slipping on his sneakers. `` my mom says they're going to meet us there, '' i tell him. `` fuck it, let's make tracks, sis . ''he smirks. and off we go in his wrangler, nate blasting some god-awful metal music. `` how do you listen to this shit? it sounds like two cat's screwing in a trashcan . ''i shake my head. `` what? this is slayer, they're classic trash metal, you have to have respect . ''he says reverently. `` i always listen to reign in blood before all of my games . ''`` lovely . ''i screw my face up in mock horror.

he turns it up louder, nodding his head enthusiastically as the guitar riffs collide into what i assume is his favorite part of the song. it's strange to see him let loose like this, and even though i think his taste in music is horrifying, i have to admit i like to see him enjoying himself. thankfully, the boathouse is just a little ways down the potomac in the direction of the city, and i'm only subjected to slayer for a few more minutes. the temperature on this august day is in the mid-nineties, but my mom was insistent upon doing a family activity outdoors. as we take a left on the dirt road with an old sign pointing the way, i spot an empty parking lot, and figure most people are wisely staying inside with their air-conditioning today. after we park, nate heads over to the wood-slatted structure to secure the boat, and i take the sunscreen out of my bag. as nate walks back over, he smiles as he sees me struggling to smear it in between the straps of my sports bra. `` want some help ?' he asks.

`` ... sure, '' i reply, though i'm anything but. the idea of nate's hands on me, when i know nothing else is going to happen, sounds like torture. i might actually prefer getting a first-degree sunburn, but he's already taken the bottle from me and squeezing some of it out into his palm. `` um, just pull the back of your shirt up, '' he instructs me. i do as he says, pulling it up to my hairline. i feel his greased-up hands slipping under the straps of my bra, and am glad he can't see the blush that immediately spreads across my face. i take a deep breath, trying to keep my raging hormones at bay, as his fingers slide around the side of my ribcage. `` now you do me, '' he says, as i release my shirt. `` that's what she said, '' i mutter. `` ha ! ''nate barks, a short, joyful shout of laughter. `` i didn't know you were funny brynn, '' he says, grinning wide at me. `` there's a lot you don't know about me . ''i say, daring to meet his gaze for a brief moment.

i clear my throat and take the bottle of sunscreen from him, willing myself to keep my thoughts clean. he pauses, then turns around and pulls off his shirt. i groan inwardly at the sight of his wide, muscular back. where are our parents? i need some kind of buffer between us. but there are no signs of any cars pulling into the parking lot anytime soon, so i dutifully squeeze some lotion onto my fingers and then begin to spread it across his back. i carefully press it all the way up to his neck, across his shoulder blades-feeling the sinewy ropes of muscle there, down his back, and finally down to the top of his athletic shorts, my fingers venturing just inside his waistband. i hear him suck in a small bit of air, and see the slight throbbing of his member in his shorts. he's trying hard to hold back, i can tell. `` ok, all done ! ''i say overly cheerily, as i hand him the bottle. nate tosses his shirt into the back of his jeep and begins to spread sunscreen across his chest.

i keep my eyes trained on the hazy river. `` they say how long they were going to be ? ''`` nope, my mom just said- '' i break off as i hear my phone start to ring in my purse on the front seat. `` i bet that's her now. hey, mom, '' i greet her as i accept the call. `` hey, honey . ''`` what's wrong ? ''i ask, immediately hearing stress in her voice. `` oh, it's nothing, but pierce won't be able to get out of the office long enough to go kayaking today. i'm just going to drive down to the office now, so at least he and i can have lunch together . ''`` ok, should we- '' `` no, you two go kayaking and have fun, alright? we'll see you tonight for dinner . ''`` oh, alright, if you're sure, '' i reply, wincing as i catch nate watching me, his muscular torso gleaming in the sun. `` your dad got caught up in work stuff, and my mom's going to go meet him at the office for lunch, so they're not coming. they said we should still go if we want, '' i explain as i hang up.

`` since we're here, '' nate says with a shrug. `` you ever been kayaking here before ? ''`` never been kayaking at all . ''`` well, you'll love it, '' he replies, locking up his car. `` says the captain of the uva crew team . ''i smile. in short order, we're pushing off the dock in a tandem kayak. with nate's powerful oar strokes, we quickly clear the shallow, muddy water and head toward the open water. `` you'll get the hang of it, '' nate encourages me, and i turn around to smile sheepishly at him. `` i think i'm just holding you back, here, '' i laugh, trying to get the feeling of how to dip the oar in the water at the right time. `` well, i have a lot more experience than you in a boat, '' he says. `` we used to train for crew on the potomac in high school, but we were a lot closer in to the city. we'd pass georgetown, the kennedy center ... you'd be amazed at the wildlife you can see out here, though, '' he tells me as he steers us upriver and into the current.

`` i feel so far away from everything, '' i observe as the sounds of traffic are quickly covered up by the trees rising on either side of us. `` this land used to belong to a native american tribe called the- '' `` piscataway, '' i finish reflexively. `` damn, i keep forgetting my stepsister is a nerd, '' he says, and i can hear from his voice that he's grinning. `` i won't even try to impress you with my passion for local history, then . ''`` no, come on, impress me, '' i tease him. `` i can't hold a candle, '' he feigns defeat. `` you get better grades than me . ''`` yeah, well, put me on two varsity teams and i think those grades might dip a little. i don't know how you do it. my friends allison and miriam tell me i spend too much time at the library-i barely have enough time for them. not to mention, i'm not athletically gifted at all, '' i add, nodding to my ineffectual rowing. `` so you've got me there . ''`` i met allison on the 4th, right ? ''`` right . ''`` but miriam ? ''

`` she's back home in memphis for the summer. she's my other good friend ; she and allison room together . ''`` why don't you live with them ? ''he asks, and i pause to listen to his oars dropping quietly into the water. `` mm, i thought about it, but i like living alone. my mom can be ... '' `` what ? ''he prods me. `` i'm trying to think of a more flattering word for needy . ''`` you can say needy if you want. i won't tell . ''`` ok, she's really fucking needy, '' i reply, feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i hardly ever talk about the more negative aspects of my relationship with my mom. `` honestly, a lot less so since she's met pierce, though. sometimes i just feel like i'm- '' `` her mom, '' he finishes for me. i turn to face him, raising my eyebrows. `` is it obvious ? ''i ask worriedly. `` i don't mean to sound resentful . ''`` you're allowed to feel however you want about her, '' he responds with a kind smile, and i turn back around.

`` at first i thought you were fragile, '' he says after a moment. `` like if i dropped you, you'd break. i think that's why ... that's why i wanted to test you a little . ''`` you mean when you felt me up at dinner with our parents sitting across from us ? ''he laughs. `` i can't believe i did that, and i don't think i've ever apologized . ''`` no, you didn't, jerk . ''`` i am sorry . ''`` so, you don't think i'm fragile now ? ''`` no. i think you're one of the toughest people i've ever met. look ! ''he says suddenly. i glance back toward him and follow where's he's pointing. `` a great blue heron, '' he explains as i spot the huge bird with its wings spread, perched on a rock in the middle of the river. `` that's how they dry their feathers after they dive for fish . ''he stops rowing for a while as we watch it. suddenly it pulls its wings in, gathers itself like a coil, and launches into the air. we watch it fly into the distant treetops before we begin paddling up the river again.

`` why are you interested in history ? ''i ask him. `` i like understanding why people behave the way they do, '' he explains quietly. i resist the urge to ask how this relates to his own history, trying to respect the boundaries he's put up. `` how's greg ? ''he asks suddenly. i turn around and narrow my eyes at him. `` what? that's a friendly question, '' he says with a devilish grin. `` i ... i don't want to talk about it, '' i reply, a little more huffily than i intend to. `` ok ... so that either means really good or really bad . ''`` it's not really bad, '' i protest. `` uh-oh . ''i sigh. `` it's just, there's no ... you know ... '' `` spark ? ''`` exactly. i have to tell him soon-i don't want him to get hurt. not that i think i'm breaking his heart or anything- '' `` i saw the way he looks at you . ''`` meaning ? ''`` he's falling fast. i'd tell him before he falls any further . ''`` i think you're exaggerating . ''`` trust me . ''

we fall back into a comfortable silence as i think about his words. the stillness of the river, broken only by a soft wind blowing through the trees, helps to ease my anxiety over the conversation i need to have with greg. the concept of `` problems '' seems to fade out here, though perhaps it's the unrelenting heat, which feels like it's beginning to melt my body into the seat of the kayak. i grab the sweating bottle of water from between my feet and take a long swig. `` water ? ''i ask nate, turning to offer it to him. he takes it, brushing my fingers with his as he wraps his long fingers around it. my insides clench ... speaking of a spark. i spot a house very much like ours up on a hillside in the distance. `` where'd you live before the house now ? ''`` townhouse in georgetown . ''he says. `` it was less of a behemoth. had more character . ''`` the mansion isn't your taste ? ''`` it was always big for two people, and it still seems big, even for four.

but what i really don't like is that it's got all these fake historical touches about it, and none of them are genuine . ''`` anathema to a history major . ''`` exactly. i always pictured myself in a smaller house, maybe a converted barn or something ... one that was actually built in the time period it looks like it was built in. maybe somewhere quieter than dc ... it's pretty elitist here ... i want my kids to grow up more modestly than i did . ''`` you want kids ? ''i ask, surprised. `` you don't ? ''`` no, i do ... i'm just surprised. you know that having kids might necessitate being in a relationship with a woman for longer than you're used to . ''he laughs. `` i honestly hadn't thought of that. i always just pictured myself with kids. is that horrible ? ''`` yes ! ''i reply, quickly reaching down and flinging water back at him. `` hey ! ''he cries, and grabs the sides of the kayak, beginning to rock it back and forth. `` i'll tip this thing over, '' he warns me with a grin. `` nate ! ''

i protest, grabbing on. he relents, and keeps rowing after a moment. `` i think your mom picked the hottest day of the year, '' he observes. `` want to head back ? ''i ask, hoping he'll say no. he pauses. `` guess we should . ''i nod, feeling disappointed, and dip my oar in the water to help him turn the kayak. now that we're going with the current, it takes us much less time to make the return trip back to the boat house. `` how's your shoulder ? ''i ask. `` it's better, actually, '' he says happily, `` thanks for asking . ''i feel a tightening in my throat as we pull into the shallower water. nate steps onto the dock first, then offers me his hand to help me get out of the unsteady boat. `` much shadier under the trees, '' he observes, nodding to a hiking trail that cuts through the trees behind the boat house. i look at him questioningly. `` short hike before we go back ? ''i nod and smile, trying not to look too pleased.

chapter nineteen `` you've got good stamina for someone who doesn't do sports, '' nate observes as our `` short hike '' goes into its second hour. `` i've been swimming in the pool pretty frequently, maybe that's it, '' i reply, though really i think it's that the conversation hasn't stopped. we're high over the potomac now, on a dirt trail that winds around large boulders. he was right-it is cooler under the trees, but it's still just as humid. `` is that it ? ''i ask, pointing to a three-leaved plant at the base of a tree. after telling nate that i manage to get poison ivy every other year, he's made it his mission to teach me how to identify the rash-causing the plant. `` not red enough. by this time of the summer, it'll be more red and oily-looking. and the edges of the leaves are too jagged, '' he says as he bends over to look at it. a pair of female hikers approach us on the trail, headed the opposite direction.

i watch them drink in nate's shirtless, sweaty appearance and giggle to each other. as they pass, they smile flirtatiously at him, but he just politely smiles back before turning to me. `` you're good at so many things, but identifying plant species ... '' he intones in a mock-serious voice as he shakes his head. `` hey, if that's my weakness, i'll take it, '' i reply with a grin. `` yep, poison ivy, that's your kryptonite, '' he teases me. `` what's yours? intimacy ? ''`` intimacy? how dare you! it's commitment. very different . ''`` oh, duh, of course. my apologies, '' i reply, glad we can joke about this kind of thing. `` wait, there ! ''i say, pointing to an ivy crawling up a tree trunk on the river side of the trail. `` where? i don't see it, '' nate replies, craning his neck. `` there ! ''i repeat, walking off the trail and into the underbrush. `` brynn, be careful! and i don't think that's poison ivy, anyway . ''`` no, really!

see, it's red- '' i break off as i feel the ground beneath me give way. what i thought was solid earth was just an overhang of vegetation. my stomach flies into my throat as i begin to fall, the horizon instantly becoming a blur. i gasp and turn, frantically grabbing onto the dirt and branches nearby. `` brynn ! ''nate yells, and dives into the brush after me. i feel him grab my hand as i struggle to find a foothold on the steep hill beneath me. my feet frantically search for support and i begin to panic. `` it's ok, it's ok, i've got you, '' nate says. the steadiness in his voice causes me to look up at him. he's looking back down at me, his eyes sure and calm. i take a deep breath and reach my other hand up. he grabs it and begins to pull me up. `` under your right foot, there's a rock, '' he says, peering over the edge. `` don't look down, just feel for it. just an inch to your left. keep looking at me . ''

the expression in his eyes arrests me, and i still for a moment, then slowly begin to move my foot to the left. there. i feel my sneaker knock against it, and move my foot up and onto it. `` ok, now just push off and i'll pull you up. one, two, three ! ''i shove my foot down and he kneels and pulls me up and back onto him. i land squarely on top of him, shaking with fear and adrenaline. i feel his arms reach around me and squeeze, almost pressing the last of the air out of me. `` fuck, brynn, '' he whispers in my ear. `` are you ok ? ''i reply, realizing he's landed on his back. `` am i ok? are you ? ''he says, sounding shocked. `` um, i think so, though it's hard to tell right now . ''`` oh, sorry. here, stand up, '' he says, and i lean to the side of him. he jumps up then offers me both hands. i take them and stand, wincing as i put weight on my right foot. `` what's wrong ? ''`` my ankle, i think . ''`` let's get back on the trail where i can look at it . ''

he takes my arm and wraps it around his shoulder. i feel his arm around my waist and i'm practically lifted off my feet as he walks me back onto the trail. he guides me down to a seated position and i lean back on my hands as he gently picks up my right foot. `` it's a little swollen, '' he observes, `` but i don't think it's broken-probably a bad sprain. think you're ok to walk back if i help you ? ''`` yeah, i'll be fine, '' i assure him. he helps me stand up and puts my arm around his shoulders. i take a deep breath as we take our awkward first steps back toward the boathouse, and i realize i'm in for a full hour of being pressed up against him. `` you're really sweaty, you know that ? ''i say with a smile. `` hey, you better be careful or i might lose my grip, '' he replies. `` how high up was i ? ''`` probably best not to think about it . ''`` that's pretty high . ''`` well, i'm glad you're alright ... mostly . ''

i don't know if it's the scare from almost falling, or if we're both just tired, but the slow walk back takes place in almost silence. i wish i could think of something to say to break the tension, but having his shirtless body pressed up against me is too much. i can feel our sweat mingling together and our breath syncing along with the rhythm of our footsteps. as we finally sight the parking lot, he stops and moves in front of me, then bends over, looking back at me expectantly. i laugh and lift my bad leg up onto him, and then jump up as he hoists me the rest of the way. he walks with me on his back until we reach the car, then deposits me right next to the passenger side door. as he jogs around to the driver's side, i turn to look around the parking lot. there are still only a few cars here, and in the corner is a blue sedan with a woman wearing sunglasses behind the wheel. i stare at her for a moment, because with her blonde hair, i thought for a moment that she was my mom.

as we make eye contact she quickly looks away, and i hear the car start after a moment. maybe she was just staring at nate like the other women we encountered today. or maybe she's a reporter ... pierce warned the family that there could still be a few hanging around. `` are you ok to get in by yourself ? ''nate asks, rolling down the window. `` oh, yeah, sorry, '' i reply, snapping back to attention. i open the door and use my left leg to hop into the elevated seat. `` everything alright ? ''he asks. `` yeah, it's fine . ''when we arrive back at the house, nate basket-carries me straight from the car into the kitchen, gently setting me down on a chair in the breakfast nook. he kneels in front of me and unlaces my shoe, then slips it off and peels my sock off. `` can you wiggle your toes ? ''i move them back and forth. `` and now really slowly move your whole foot around . ''i wince as i circle it and pain shoots up through my leg.

`` i broke my ankle playing lacrosse my junior year, and i don't think that's what this is. let's ice and wrap it and see how it is tomorrow, or monday. if it's still bad, i'll take you to the doctor . ''`` you know how to wrap it ? ''`` hey, when it's not my own hand, i'm pretty good at it . ''i watch him take down that same first aid kit from the cabinet and set it down on the floor as he kneels in front of me again. he carefully wraps athletic tape around my ankle and then around the middle of my foot, hooking it around and around until my ankle is firmly stabilized. `` ok, let's get you into the den so we can ice it . ''i begin to stand but he bends over and scoops me up again, carrying me through the hallways to the cozy den. he sets me down on the couch and then disappears. i grab a pillow and set it behind my back as i stretch my legs out, marveling at the sudden appearance of nate's caretaker instincts.

he reappears with a ziploc bag of crushed ice and a glass of water, setting the latter down on the table next to me before lowering the ice down onto my ankle. i shiver as he places it down, and he pulls the throw down from the back of the couch. he grabs one end and unfolds it, then sits on the edge of the couch next to me to lay it over me, tucking the corners in around my body. i become very aware of my own breathing as he moves over me. i watch his hands as they take the edge of the blanket and tuck it around my shoulders. his right hand moves slowly from the blanket onto the exposed skin of my neck. i hold my breath as he lightly runs his fingertips up onto my jaw, then over to my chin. with his thumb and forefinger, he gently tilts my head up until i look at him. he's staring at my mouth, and only pauses for a moment before he bends down. `` please don't, '' i whisper as he's just inches away from kissing me. `` if you don't want anything more, it's just cruel . ''

`` what if i do want something more ? ''he says, his dark blue eyes flicking up to mine. `` more ... '' i repeat, rolling the word around my tongue. `` what kind of more ? ''`` i've never felt about someone the way i feel about you. i've tried fighting that feeling, i've tried reasoning with it, but it just keeps getting stronger. i have to give in-i need to. i can't tell you i know exactly what this will look like ... i've never done anything like it. but i promise you that when i'm with you, i'll be with only you. and i want you to be with only me . ''i stare up at him. that's still a lot of unknowns, but i sense that he's giving me everything he can right now. plus my heart is about to beat out of my chest, and my resistance is giving out. `` only you, '' i nod, before reaching around his neck and pulling him toward me. our lips meet in an open kiss, our tongues finding each other's and mingling with desperate passion.

he presses me back against the cushion, his hands grasping my waist over the blanket and quickly moving up and over my breasts. i arch my back into him, wanting to feel him against me ... feel him everywhere. `` you guys home ? ''nate jumps away as we hear my mom's voice from the foyer. he takes a deep breath and then runs his hand through his hair before responding. `` we're in the den ! ''he calls back, then turns to me. `` tonight, '' he murmurs, his eyes burning with promise. chapter twenty `` are you ok, brynn ? ''my mom asks me, frowning. `` yeah, i'm fine, '' i reply lightly as i use my napkin to try to clean the tomato sauce off my shirt where i've just spilled it. nate's promise of an evening rendezvous has left me clumsy and distracted throughout dinner. i had just finished cleaning up the glass of water i knocked off the table when i dropped a piece of chicken off my fork and onto my shirt. `` sorry i couldn't make it today, guys, '' pierce says.

`` looks like you could have used some more supervision. nate shouldn't have taken you on any dangerous trails . ''`` oh, it wasn't dangerous, '' i rush to nate's defense. `` he was trying to teach me how to spot poison ivy, actually, and i walked right off the trail. i didn't realize how close i was to the edge and the ground just gave way under me. it was all my fault. he was the one who pulled me back up and taped my ankle . ''`` well, it couldn't hurt to get it looked at by a doctor on monday, '' my mom points out. `` i think it'll be fine, really, '' i insist. `` anyone want dessert ? ''my mom asks. `` no, thanks, '' nate and i both respond at the same time. i bite my lip to keep from laughing. `` what's so amusing ? ''pierce asks, looking at his son, his voice dangerously quiet. `` inside joke, '' i reply quickly. `` i'll help you clear the table, mom . ''we both stand and grab a couple plates and head into the kitchen. as soon as the swinging door shuts behind me, i hear pierce's voice.

even though his words are muffled, i can tell by his tone that he's berating nate for something. i look at my mom. she turns on the water and begins rinsing off the plates before putting them into the dishwasher. `` is it ok with you that he talks to nate like that ? ''`` it's between the two of them, '' my mom replies quietly without looking up at me. i feel anger surge inside me. `` you keep trying to make us a family, but then you won't get involved in their relationship. you can't have it both ways . ''before she can reply, i spin back around and into the dining room. pierce breaks off abruptly as i enter the room, and i quickly clear the rest of the dishes before limping upstairs to my room. i take a deep breath as i close my bedroom door behind me. i don't want to have this night ruined by my anger at my mom and pierce. i head into the bathroom and turn on my shower.

i still haven't had a chance to wash off the sweat from our kayaking and hiking trip today, and i want to smell like a rose tonight. my body tingles in anticipation as i peel off my shirt and shorts. i glance down at my wrapped ankle, wondering if it's ok to get wet. probably fine. i pull off my sports bra and underwear and then study myself in the mirror, running my hands over my breasts and then across my stomach. nate's already seen me naked, i remind myself, as nerves surge up in my stomach. and i already know he likes me. it will be ok. i step under the hot stream of water and take my time washing my hair. as the conditioner sets, i shave my legs and my bikini line, going a little bit narrower than i would normally. i know that a lot of girls at college go completely bare, but i can't bring myself to go that far. i turn off the water and towel myself off, then part my hair in the middle and let it air dry. i pull a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and a camisole from my bureau and put them on.

i'm not sure if that's sexy or not, but i'm trying not to overthink it. i'm certainly not succeeding, but i am trying. i head over to my computer and sit down. i know that nate will probably wait for our parents to go to bed before he does anything, so i've got a couple of hours to go at least. i begin to click around the internet, but i'm not able to absorb myself in anything. i keep wondering what's going to happen tonight. i don't want to get my hopes up, but i think i have an idea. or at least, i know what i want to happen. i finally decide to play some mindless tv on hulu, and settle back in my chair. `` goodnight, brynn ! ''i finally hear my mom call as she heads up to the third floor. i freeze. `` goodnight ! ''i call back, and immediately begin pulling at the ends of my hair. i keep watching tv until i hear pierce heading upstairs, too, then quickly close my computer and hurry into the bathroom, wincing as i put too much weight on my right ankle.

i run my fingers through my hair and decide i should brush my teeth. just as i'm putting my toothbrush back down, i hear a soft knock at my door. my heart jumps in my chest. i walk back into my bedroom just in time to see the door open and nate stick his head in. `` hi, '' i murmur. `` hi, '' he replies, taking a couple more steps in and closing the door behind him. i smile at him nervously. i suddenly have no idea what to say-the usual ease of conversation between us is replaced with jittery nerves and excitement. his appearance right now isn't helping matters. he's barefoot, and wearing jeans and a v-neck white t-shirt. he looks impossibly, effortlessly sexy. `` i can't remember the last time i was nervous with a woman, '' he finally says. `` oh, well ... good. i'm nervous, too, i mean . ''he smiles and begins to walk slowly toward me. `` i want to do everything with you, brynn. the idea of being the first one to show you ... everything ... '' he takes a deep breath. `` but i'm going to go slowly.

you have to tell me if i'm ever moving too quickly, alright? it's going to be hard for me not to get caught up in the moment . ''i nod and realize that i've been holding my breath while he's been talking. he stops just in front of me and wraps his arms around my waist, then leans his head forward until his forehead rests against mine. `` come to bed, '' he whispers. a thrill of pleasure runs through me. `` you don't know how long i've wanted to hear you say that . ''he grins widely and presses his lips against mine. in contrast to our recent urgent caresses, this one is slow and gentle. perhaps because we know we're finally on the same page, and we have all night to spend with each other. his tongue delicately flicks against mine, and i feel his hands move under my ass and pick me up. he spins and walks to the bed, setting me down in a seated position on the edge. `` is there anything ... in particular you want tonight ? ''`` i just want you, '' i reply with a shrug. `` well, that i can do . ''

he grabs the bottom of his t-shirt and pulls it off over his head. i bite my lip. the tightness and size of his muscles always takes me aback. i lean forward and nuzzle my nose into the hair just under his belly button, then softly kiss him. i hear a low grunt from the back of his throat and lean back to look at him questioningly. he's looking down at me like he's about to devour me in one bite, but he takes a deep breath and kneels down in front of me, spreading my knees apart so he can push right up against me. he pulls me toward him and opens my lips with his. as our tongues meet, i feel his fingertips gliding softly over the top of my camisole, barely touching my right breast. i press forward into his hand, but he pulls back. i quickly learn my lesson and stay still as his fingers return, teasingly running just under the fabric. finally i feel him reach up with both hands and pull the cotton down and hook it under my breasts so it stays put.

he dips his head and pulls my breasts together, taking one nipple into his mouth and sucking on it, then quickly moving over to the other. i moan and tilt my head back as my hands grip the comforter beside me. he backs off and takes the bottom hem of my shirt, pulling it off over my head. `` you have the most gorgeous breasts, '' he breathes, palming them as though he's sculpting clay. `` really? i've always been self-conscious of them . ''`` why ? ''he looks at me in shock. `` they're perfect . ''he leans forward to kiss me softly, then begins to unbutton his jeans. `` wait, um, can i ? ''i stop him. he smiles at me and stands. i slowly reach forward and finish unbuttoning them, then move the zipper down. i can feel his eyes on me, but i keep my gaze on what i know is waiting for me underneath his denim. the arch of his cock is pressing against his boxer-briefs as i push his jeans past his knees. i pause and then take the sides of his waistband and pull them out and around.

his thick mushroom tip springs out as soon i pull the boxers down. he's so big that i can't begin to imagine how he's going to fit inside me. my worry must read on my face, because he says, `` we'll take it slow . ''i nod and push the boxers down to his jeans, holding them as he steps out of them. i gulp as i'm face-to-face again with his manhood. `` have you ever ... ? ''he asks leadingly, nodding down at himself. `` never, '' i reply. `` give me your hands . ''i obey, reaching up to place mine in his large outstretched palms. he places one on his thigh, and brings the other to his shaft. he wraps it around the base, and then moves it up to his tip, then back down. `` just like that. nice and easy at first . ''he removes his hand and i keep going, feeling the soft, veiny skin of his cock ripple slightly at my touch. he takes my other hand and places it on his balls, massaging them with me. his hands then drop by his sides, and i look up to see his eyes closing and his lips parting.

instinctively, i lean forward and, tucking my lips over my teeth, i take him inside my mouth. i hear him gasp and i smile inwardly. he doesn't know that i've read my fair share of dirty books, even if i've never actually put anything into practice. i keep moving my mouth down his length, seeing how far in i can take him. i stop when he hits the back wall of my mouth, though i'm still not at his base, and then begin to slide back out. `` oh, fuck, brynn. you sure you've never done this before ? ''he asks me, eyes wide as i swirl my tongue around his tip and then pull him back inside my mouth. i move my hand back to his balls and massage him again as i move up and down his dick. i hear him moan and feel his hand move to the back of my head, his fingers grasping my hair. `` enough, '' he grunts, pulling his hips back. `` stand up . ''normally when nate takes that tone with me or orders me around, it really gets under my skin. but right now, it's turning me the hell on. i jump to my feet.

he abruptly takes the elastic waist of my pants and yanks them to the ground. we stand facing each other naked, the air between us charged. without taking his eyes off mine, he reaches forward and between my legs. i cry out softly as he slips one finger over my wet clit, and then inside me. i almost fall forward at the strength of my reaction to his touch, and have to grab onto his shoulders to support myself. he pulls me into him so that i'm curled against his chest, my head resting just under his chin. his finger moves in and out of me, and his thumb flicks over my clit. i reach down and begin to run my hand up and down his cock like he showed me, though i'm so turned on that i'm hardly aware of what i'm doing. `` you're almost ready, '' he whispers. he pulls his hand out of me and picks me up under the armpits and tosses me onto the bed. in a second he's pushing my legs apart and kneeling between them. his head ducks down and i buck wildly as his tongue takes a long lick of my clit.

i feel him slip two fingers inside me, and can feel him pressing them all around, stretching me out. his tongue circles and flicks against me the whole time, until i begin to unravel. `` oh, nate, oh, yes ! ''i cry out, but he stops. i gasp at the sudden lack of contact and pick up my head to look at him. he's no longer between my legs, but standing to get something out of his jeans. he smiles at me as he shows me the condoms he's taking out of his pocket. he rips one off and pulls it open with his teeth, then tosses the rest on the bed next to me as he walks back. i watch as he holds it to his tip and then unrolls it down his shaft. then he kneels back on the bed, his legs between mine, and lies down on top of me with his weight on his elbows. `` this first time will probably hurt a little, but it'll feel good soon, '' he promises, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. i nod nervously. he kisses me, his tongue softly caressing mine, as i feel his dick against my opening.

i can't believe it's finally happening. he reaches down, pulling my leg up and holding it against his hip as he takes his cock in his other hand, positioning it at just the right angle. i gasp as he enters me and sharp pain reverberates through my entire lower half. i feel his hips stop their forward motion. he moves his mouth over to my ear, softly sucking on my earlobe and darting his tongue in and out as he moves forward again. the pleasurable sensation at my ear helps to distract me from the massive pressure i feel pressing into me. i close my eyes and wrap my arms around his back, willing myself to relax. i know i'm in good hands. just when i think the pain will be more than i can handle, he stops, and i can feel the skin around his hips pressing against mine. he's all the way in. he circles around slowly, and i feel my first twinge of pleasure at the sensation. he pulls his head back and looks at me. `` ok ? ''he asks. i nod, feeling breathless.