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i really am a fool. i jump as a bottle crashes on a campus path just behind me. i glance up to see the denizens of the porch also looking at the source of the sound, and freeze for a moment as nate stares right at me. fuck. i turn around, cursing myself for walking this way. i walk quickly down the street, turning right onto a path to take me into campus. `` brynn ? ''i hear him call out behind me, and the sound of footsteps coming down the steps. i pick up my pace, hoping to lose him in the darkness. i can't let our first meeting after breaking up be him finding me spying on his house. `` brynn ! ''i hear a woman's voice yell behind me, and almost trip over my own feet in surprise. `` brynn ! ''she calls again, and i turn around. `` eileen, '' i say in surprise as she emerges out of the darkness, slightly out of breath. `` was ... was that you up there? with nate ? ''she nods, a wide smile covering her face. my eyes dart over his shoulder as i see nate stop by the entrance to the path.

`` i'm down here visiting him for the weekend, '' she says happily. `` oh, oh, '' i murmur, covering my face in embarrassment. `` i'm sorry i ran ... i thought ... i mean, from the back, i thought you and he were ... '' `` oh ! ''she exclaims. `` well, i suppose i'm flattered ... i mean, i do put my time in at the gym . ''she steps forward and takes my hands. `` i'm so glad to see you brynn. if you hadn't gotten involved, i wouldn't be here with nate today . ''i try to blink back tears, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. `` i'm so sorry for everything you've been through-nate told me- '' `` mom ? ''nate says, stepping forward. `` mind if i talk to brynn alone for a minute ? ''`` of course ! ''she calls over her shoulder, then turns to me. `` it's so nice to hear him call me 'mom, ' '' she says, then leans forward and whispers in my ear, `` don't give up hope . ''i blink at her in surprise as she pulls away and walks back toward nate.

they share a smile and a few murmured words before she continues back toward the crew house and nate approaches me. `` hi, '' he murmurs as he walks up to me. `` hello, '' i reply, a bit more stiffly. `` i found her number where you left it, '' he explains. `` we met several times while i was still up in maryland, but it hardly seemed like enough time, so she drove me back down here and is staying for a few days . ''he takes a deep breath. `` when you told me you loved me- '' i raise my hand to stop him. `` you don't have to explain. you told me from the beginning that you didn't do relationships ... that you didn't lead girls on. so i should have known. i shouldn't have expected- '' `` brynn, please. just give me two minutes, ok ? ''i nod, shifting from foot to foot as i wish i could just run away, all the way back to my room and pull the covers over my head. anything so that i don't have to hear all the reasons why he doesn't love me.

`` when you told me you loved me, '' he resumes, `` i felt empty . ''tears spring to my eyes-oof, that was worse than i thought. `` no, not like that ! ''he says, seeing my reaction. `` i mean, i felt ... inadequate. like i had nothing inside me to give back to you. here you were, so strong, and smart, and intelligent, and i felt like such a failure . ''i'm shocked to hear his voice break. he clears his throat before he continues. `` i had failed you. i felt ...i mean, everything my dad had ever told me was a lie ! ''he exclaims, his voice rising. `` in that moment, i don't think i knew if i was capable of love. what my father had shown me for years wasn't love, i don't think, it was control. i felt so undeserving to be loved by you, and for me to even tell you that i loved you, it wouldn't mean anything, because it would be from someone who was empty . ''`` you're not empty, '' i murmur, unable to hear him talk about himself like this even though he broke my heart. `` i'm starting to realize that.

it's been good, seeing my mom, talking to her, hearing the truth about my past. all the things that you were trying to help me with. you were right all along . ''`` i wasn't trying to be right . ''`` i know, that's not-sorry, this is coming out all wrong. i've been thinking about you every day, imagining us meeting up back on campus, and it's just happened a lot quicker than i thought it would. i wanted to call you every day, but i needed to make sure i was ready. that i had done some work on myself before i tried to reach out to you. i know the kind of relationship i want to have with you, and i want to make sure i'm ready for it . ''i blink at him, feeling confused. `` so, what are you saying ? ''`` i'm saying that you're not my stepsister anymore, first of all, '' he says with a small grin. `` they filed today . ''`` you talked to your dad ? ''`` just once. i couch-surfed with friends after you left. i didn't want to stay in the same house with him . ''

i stare at him as a realization begins to trickle through my brain. `` it was you, wasn't it? you got him to give my mom a settlement . ''he runs a hand through his hair. `` well, after talking with my mom, and hearing what happened to her in their divorce, i was worried he wouldn't be fair in dealing with your mom either. so, i, um, told him that if he ever wanted to see me again, he'd have to give your mom some money in the divorce. and your tuition, well, i figured after what he put you through, that you deserved it . ''`` i can't believe you did that . ''`` actually, i wasn't sure it would work. i mean, i wasn't sure if he wanted to see me again anyway . ''`` i think, in his own twisted way, he does love you . ''`` his very twisted way . ''he steps forward and reaches for my hand, which is still entwined in my hair. he pulls it down and laces his fingers through mine. `` i can't promise you that i'll know how to be in a normal relationship right away, but please, give me another chance.

i know how badly i fucked up, but i want to do better. please. i want to learn with you . ''i pause, uncertain. can i really put myself out there with him? risk my heart being broken again? i feel him begin to pull my hand gently behind his back so that i'm forced to take a step in. he leans forward, tucking my arm against the small of his back. `` no fair, '' i whisper, as the heat of his body envelopes me. he wraps his other arm around me. `` i know, '' he says with a sly grin. `` but can you blame me? i'd do anything for another chance with you . ''everything about him is so intoxicating. i'm dizzy with desire for him after not being near him for close to a month. i turn my face up to his. `` ok, ok, '' i relent. `` one more chance . ''the words have barely left my lips when he covers my mouth with his. my legs almost give out as we touch-a mix of pleasure and relief overwhelming my body. `` god, i've missed you, '' he murmurs, breaking away for a moment.

i pull his head back down to mine and sink my tongue into his mouth. `` get a room ! ''we break away as a group of guys, probably freshmen, walk past us, hooting and hollering. nate glares at them for a moment, then rolls his eyes. `` come on, there's something i've wanted to do for a long time anyway . ''he leads me by the hand back out of campus and across the street to the crew house. i'm wondering if he means something sexual, and worries he forgot his mom is visiting him. we walk up the steps and i see her and the crew guys turn to us as we step onto the porch. `` everyone, this is my girlfriend, brynn, '' he announces proudly. chapter thirty eileen's face breaks into a huge grin as i blush. his teammates slap him on the back and needle him about his lack of previous relationships, then begin to introduce themselves to me.

i'm quickly offered a beer and pulled into multiple conversations, but nate is there every few minutes with a hand on my back, making sure i'm ok. as the night goes on, the porch fills up with more people, and, particularly, more women. i'm happily overwhelmed by all these new faces, but also glad to just lean on the railing for a minute to sip my beer. `` brynn ? ''i hear a woman's voice call. i turn to see cara walking up onto the porch. `` hey ! ''i say, and stand up to give her a hug. `` how was your summer ? ''`` um ... '' i murmur, unable to find the words to describe the last few months. i look over her shoulder and watch a girl i don't know place her hand on nate's chest. before i can even frown, though, he steps back and smiles politely, then makes his way over to me. `` it was pretty crazy, '' is all i can come up with before nate's arm snakes his way around my waist. `` i just saw my mom yawning, so i think she's about to go back to her hotel, '' he says. `` oh, hey cara . ''

`` nate ... are you two ... ? ''cara asks, her eyes darting back and forth between us. `` we are, '' i confirm, as nate grins down at me. it does feel good to say it out loud. `` and you've already met his parents? wow ! ''`` yeah, we've met, '' i reply a bit evasively, as nate bites his lip to keep from laughing. i elbow him in the ribs. `` we better go say goodbye to his mom . ''sure enough, eileen is shouldering her purse and looking around as we walk over. `` i hope i didn't take up too much of your time with nate tonight, '' i say as we walk up. `` not at all. i wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for you, '' she says, wrapping me up in a big hug. `` will you join us for brunch tomorrow before i head back home ? ''i glance at nate, who's looking at me encouragingly. `` i'd love to . ''`` great, i'll see you tomorrow then ! ''she says, giving nate a hug before walking down the steps. `` is it weird that i want to be friends with your mom ? ''i ask him as we watch her get into her car.

`` not weirder than sleeping with your stepbrother, '' he murmurs wickedly in my ear. `` you think you've had enough of this party ? ''i shiver at the implication of his words. `` i think so . ''he nods over his shoulder toward the front door of the house and i follow him inside. the living room has several people in it now, but he continues up the steps and to his bedroom down the hall. `` there isn't going to be another girl under your covers, is there ? ''i ask him teasingly as he opens the door. he turns to me with a grin. `` only you now, brynn . ''he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me across the threshold, shutting the door behind me and then pressing me up against it. my body lights up with desire as his mouth covers mine and he pulls my arms over my head, keeping them pinned to the door with one hand over my wrists. i feel his other hand pulling up the hem of my summer dress as his legs push between mine. `` alright if this one's a little quick ? ''he asks, nibbling on my ear.

`` i just want to feel you, '' i breathe, arching my back and pressing my breasts onto his chest. with a grunt, he pulls away, reaching into his pocket. i pull my dress over my head as he yanks his zipper down and pushes his boxers and khakis to his knees, rolling the condom over his length. i barely manage to get my panties to the floor when he steps back into me, grabbing my ass and hoisting me up. i moan as i feel his tip press against my opening. i must have tightened up a bit in the time we've spent apart because there's a shot of pain as he slides me down his shaft. i wrap my arms around the back of his neck and lock my ankles just above his ass as he leans me back against the door. `` oh fuck, '' he murmurs as he reaches his depth inside me. he circles his hips, letting me feel him inside me at every angle before pulling back out again. i marvel at his strength as he's able to hold me in place and thrust in and out of me with almost no support from me.

the pain is gone by just his third thrust, and pleasure begins to course through my veins. my toes curl and i run my hands through his hair, then lean forward and slide my tongue inside his mouth. to my surprise, he steps away from the door, wrapping one arm around my back to keep me supported. he sinks down onto the edge of his bed so that i'm sitting on top of him. i unlock my ankles and move my legs so that i'm kneeling on the mattress. i rise up onto my knees as he leans back on his hands, getting used to the feeling of riding him. i reach my arms back, bringing my hands to the top of his thighs as i slide down him, feeling him stretching me open. he's hitting me in all the right places and i begin to move faster and faster. i keep my eyes open, watching as his mouth drops open and his jaw clenches. i love seeing that i'm pushing him right to the edge even as an orgasm is quickly building inside of me. his hips begin to pick up off the bed, slamming into me as i sink down.

the extra power is just what i need, and i feel myself explode on top of him just as he begins to cry out. i keep rising up and down as i come, feeling how slick i am inside. he pulls me tight against him, resting his head between my breasts, as we both take deep, gasping breaths. but he's not done yet. i feel his hands creep up to my bra strap, unhooking it and sliding it down my arms. even though i'm exhausted, i lean back and lift up my arms so he can slide it all the way off. he tosses it onto a nearby chair then sighs and runs his fingers down my neck, across my clavicle, then down my shoulders. `` i missed you, '' he murmurs kissing me softly in the middle of my chest. i bend my head down and kiss his hairline, then reach down and tug at his shirt. he obediently lifts his arms up so i can slide it off. `` mm, '' i mutter as i lean forward against him, relishing the skin-to-skin contact. suddenly i feel him lift me up and turn me around, depositing me with my back on the bed.

he reaches down to hold the condom on as he pulls out of me, grabbing a tissue from his side table and finally kicking his pants and underwear all the way off. he slides back next to me on the bed as i glance around his room. it's neat in here, as i'd expect, except for floor-to-ceiling shelves next to his metal desk that are overflowing with textbooks. `` had to have them put in, '' he says, seeing me looking at them. `` but i'll give you the tour later . ''i feel his hand slide over my hips, pulling me toward him. that hand slowly inches down as his tongue slides against mine, now working slowly, his urgency gone. he groans as he feels the wetness between my legs and slides one finger inside me. his thumb just grazes my clit and i gasp, pressing back against him. `` do i still get to order you around in bed ? ''`` yes, please, '' i whimper, closing my eyes as he begins to circle his thumb. `` good, '' he murmurs, and his fingers pull away, but are immediately replaced by his mouth.

i moan as he takes a long lick of me, pulling my legs apart and repositioning his body between them. he holds my knees out wide, opening me to him completely. his tongue moves down to my opening, darting in and out of me-such a different sensation than his fingers or his cock. as he moves up again to my clit, flicking his tongue mercilessly back and forth across it, i feel another orgasm begin to pool deep in my belly. `` wait, wait, come here, '' i say, touching his hand on my knee. `` i want to taste you, too . ''he looks up at me with a grin, and sits up. i press my legs together and he works his way up my body on his knees. i pin my arms to my sides as he comes up and kneels on either side of my shoulders. i pick up my head and he takes his hard cock in his hand, placing it between my lips. i can taste the latex of the condom we just used, mixed with both of our own scents. `` fuck, brynn, '' he growls as he slowly presses his hips forward until his cock hits the back of my throat.

he begins to move a little faster, but he's careful not to overwhelm me, knowing that i'm completely helpless under him. i keep my eyes on his face as sweat begins to break out on his brow and his neck muscles tense. with a groan, he pulls out of my mouth. `` turn over, '' he orders me as he swings one leg over me so that i can follow his command. i obey, feeling my breasts squish against the plain blue comforter. i hear the rip of another condom and a moment later he lies down on top of me, sweeping my hair off the back of my neck as he does so. i feel his breath on my ear as his cock pushes inside me. i'm so wet and he drives deep inside-maybe it's the position, but i don't know if i've ever felt him so deep before. he pulls out and moves back in slowly, eliciting a long cry from me. i feel tears spring to my eyes at the intensity of the sensation. `` squeeze your legs together, '' he whispers. i inch them together, feeling my muscles clench even more tightly around his dick.

his legs are on either side of me now, and i can feel that he has more traction as he thrusts in harder now. his tongue finds my ear and my body begins to shake as his tongue flicks inside me. i hear myself begin to moan as though it's coming from someone else, though i also feel completely at one with my body and his. `` yes, yes, fuck, '' he grunts on top of me. `` come with me, come with me ! ''i have no choice but to obey again, unraveling beneath him as he releases himself inside me. after a few final strokes, i feel him let go of his weight, relaxing on top of me. his nose nuzzles into the side of my cheek, his lips just finding the edge of my mouth to give me a kiss. `` you know what the best part is ? ''he whispers. `` mm ? ''i murmur back, my tired brain unable to follow his train of thought. `` you can stay the night . ''epilogue `` man, i'm glad this place has central air, '' i say, setting down the last of the boxes in our new apartment.

i'm sweating even with it on, and use the bottom of my t-shirt to wipe my forehead. `` yeah, i thought boston was supposed to be cooler than virginia, '' nate says, shaking his head with a smile as he hoists a box onto the counter as though it weighed nothing, though i know for a fact it has our heavy dishes in it. we flew up here for a weekend last month to find an apartment, and were quite lucky that this charlestown two-bedroom was just our third stop. the realtor described the neighborhood as `` up-and-coming, '' and nate loved the cozy feel and exposed brick. neither of us start our jobs in town for another week, but i'm glad we came early. we have all the unpacking to do, we still need a lot of furniture ... `` are you going to get tired of me ? ''nate asks, walking over and wrapping his arms around my waist. `` living together, you mean? absolutely. are you going to get sick of me ? ''`` absolutely, '' he says, nodding seriously, then he grins. `` i love you . ''

`` i love you, too, '' i reply as he leans in to kiss me. once such a big deal for him to say, nate now tells me he loves me regularly. i squirm happily as his tongue darts quickly against mine. a year later, and his kisses still make me weak in the knees. `` what's that box ? ''i ask as he releases me and i glance over his shoulder. `` which ? ''he asks, looking around. `` there, '' i say, pointing to a medium-sized box sitting where we plan to put the couch, when we get one. `` dunno, '' he says with a shrug. `` clothes ? ''`` mm, no, i don't think so, '' i reply, walking over to it and picking it up. `` it's really light . ''i shake it and can just hear the crinkling of paper. `` that's weird . ''i set it back down on the floor and kneel next to it, scratching at the corner of the packing tape sealing it shut. i finally get enough up to get my finger under it, and pull it across the boxes flaps. nick comes to stand near me as i pull it open.

`` i really don't remember packing this one, but maybe i'm going crazy . ''it has been an eventful week. we graduated last weekend, and played host to both of our moms, and then just a few days later we were driving up to boston. we both managed to secure jobs here, nate with a historical society, and me in the research side of a non-profit. i pull the brown packing paper out of the box, piling it on the floor next to me. `` oh dear, did i pack an empty box ? ''i ask, just as my fingers close around a much smaller box at the bottom of the larger one. `` what's ... '' my eyes widen as i realize i'm holding a jewelry box. i glance up at nate, who's grinning at me. he kneels down onto the hardwood floor next to me. `` oh my god, '' i murmur, as he takes the small box out of my hands. of course we've discussed marriage, but i didn't think he would propose so soon. `` brynn, '' he whispers, `` i've come alive since i met you.

my world before you came into it was cold and dark, and then you showed up and brought light into it. every day, i find a new reason to fall more in love with you. i know we're still young, but i want so much to have the honor of calling you my wife. will you marry me ? ''he asks, opening the box. i stare at the simple, beautiful diamond ring sitting in the middle of the red velvet box as my eyes fill with tears. `` yes, yes, of course i'll marry you, '' i gasp, wrapping my arms around his neck and covering him with kisses. he laughs joyously and lifts me off the ground with his free arm. `` here, try it on, '' he finally says. `` i measured your ring finger while you were sleeping . ''`` sneaky ! ''i tease him as he slips the ring on my hand. `` it's a perfect fit, '' i say, holding it toward the nearest window so the light catches it. `` should we call your mom ? ''he asks, wrapping his arms back around my waist. `` let's wait until tomorrow. for today, only you and i will know . ''

`` only you, '' he echoes, pressing his forehead against mine. `` only you . ''the end chapter one `` i thought you said this was going to be a small gathering, '' i shout, raising my voice above the blaring music. i can feel the pounding bass line vibrating through my body as i hesitate at the edge of the gigantic house party. `` did i say that ? ''my best friend, riley, grins back. `` i meant to say that this was going to be an 'epic rager unlike anything you've ever seen ' . ''i roll my eyes at her as we're swallowed up by the teeming crowd of our classmates. i should have known better than to think that riley would spend her saturday night anywhere but at a legendary party. she and i have been best friends for all seventeen years we've been on the planet. but even so, our ideas of what makes a `` good time '' are starkly different. if i had any sense at all, i would never have let her drag me to this party. i'd much rather be curled up at home with my sketch pad and a cup of tea.

but seeing that the damage is done, i suppose there's nothing to do but try and have a good time. `` here you go ladies, '' a burly junior boy says, sidling up to us with a red plastic cup in either hand. `` first drink's on me . ''`` warm beer, now with extra roofies ? ''riley says, cocking a perfect eyebrow at him. `` we're all set, champ, '' i tell the boy, producing a flask full of my dad's very fine whiskey from my purse. it's not like he's using it much, these days. `` better luck next time . ''`` what a couple of buzz kills, '' the kid grumbles, sulking away. `` great party so far ri, '' i laugh sarcastically, unscrewing the top of the flask. `` just remember, abby-in less than a year, we'll never have to deal with high school boys again, '' she points out, accepting the flask as i pass it her way. `` i can't wait, '' i say wistfully, `` i know you're not supposed to wish away your youth or whatever, but the sooner high school can be over with, the better . ''`` what?

you're not enjoying your glory days ? ''riley asks with mock astonishment, gesturing toward our fellow partygoers. i look around at the party unfolding all around us. some rich kid's parents are out of town, and the entire school has descended on their mcmansion to spend the night getting wasted, listening to someone's crappy ipod playlist, and making questionable choices about who to sleep with. i nearly step on two people going at it right in the foyer, writhing all over each other in a drunken tizzy. with a wild yell, some kid tries to swing on the crystal chandelier, only to miss and fall flat on his face to onlookers ' uproarious laughter. `` if these are our glory days, '' i say to riley, `` we're in serious trouble . ''`` come on, '' she laughs, slipping her fingers through mine, `` i'm sure we can find a quieter corner somewhere. there must be, like, a hundred rooms in this place . ''i let riley tug me off through the party, ignoring the tipsy dudes who make lesbian jokes about us along the way.

as gorgeous as my best friend is, with her silky black curls, tanned skin, and amazing curves, i've never been the least bit interested in `` experimenting '' with her. we've only ever loved each other as sisters. but the fact that i've never had a real boyfriend leads some people in my school to question whether i'm into guys at all. the short answer is, i'm plenty into guys. but finding one that's worth the time of day at my connecticut high school has proven to be impossible. well ... just about impossible, anyway. the party is just a forest of legs and torsos from my vantage point. at five foot three, i'm what you might call `` vertically challenged ''. being petite is great for hide-and-seek, but not so great for feeling like anything close to an adult. or being treated like one. but in a couple weeks ' time, the world will have no choice but to acknowledge my adulthood-at long last, i'll finally be turning eighteen.

the only question that remains is how quickly i can get out of town and be on my own once i'm officially a grown-up. as riley and i climb the sweeping staircase and sidle into the master bedroom suite, we pass a passed out classmate who's had his face graffitied with permanent marker penises. yep. adulthood can't come soon enough. we poke our heads into the master bedroom, and i note with relief that it's far quieter in this corner of the house. maybe we can just hang out here and ride out this shit show in peace. `` uh-oh, '' riley mutters, glancing down at me with a wicked glint in her eye. `` look who's here, abby . ''i peer around my best friend, scanning the dozen or so people already hanging out in the master bedroom. it only takes half a second for me to see who it is she's talking about. my solar plexus rocks on its axis as a very familiar set of blue eyes turns my way from across the room. `` shit ! ''i squeak, ducking back around riley's taller form.

`` i didn't know he was going to be here ! ''`` the entire school is here, abby, '' riley laughs, `` you could have guessed . ''`` he's supposed to be too cool for this sort of thing. or whatever, '' i say, rolling my hazel eyes. `` come on. i don't think he saw me. let's just go- '' `` hey, sis ! ''a rough baritone calls from across the room. `` what are you doing here? isn't it past your bedtime ? ''i groan as a volley of chuckles goes up around the room, and turn to see emerson sawyer, my blue-eyed nightmare, striding toward me. he's easily six feet tall, with broad shoulders, a tapered torso, and effortlessly defined muscles. his mop of shaggy, chestnut brown hair is artfully tousled, a stray lock swooping across his forehead. he's making jeans and a crimson tee shirt look as good as a three piece suit, and has a lit cigarette cradled in his full, firm lips. naturally, my personal nightmare looks like an absolute dream come true. `` don't call me that in public.

or ever, '' i tell him, crossing my arms to hide the fact that my heart is slamming against my ribcage at his approach. `` why not, sis ? ''he grins rakishly, taking a long drag of his smoke. `` because it's creepy as hell, '' i reply, exasperated, tucking my long, ash blonde hair behind my ears. `` and it's not even true . ''`` sure it is. for all intents and purposes, '' he shrugs. i've known emerson sawyer for nearly four years, now. or, rather, i've known of him for four years. our connecticut town has two elementary schools that feed into the same high school. emerson and i attended separate grade schools, which were pretty starkly divided between the richer and poorer families in town, but ended up at the same high school together. i noticed him the very first day of freshman year, when he mouthed off to our sex ed teacher for taking a hard line in favor of abstinence ( the most characteristically emerson thing ever ). he, on the other hand, had no idea i existed.

until this year, that is, when both of our lives-personal and social-got turned upside down. `` what's the matter? you ashamed to have a brother from the wrong side of the tracks ? ''emerson presses, jostling me out of my thoughts. `` don't put that on me, '' i snap back, `` as if you can stand having a prissy rich girl for a would-be-sister . ''`` you are kind of a bummer, '' he says flatly, `` but if it makes you feel any better, it's your personality i hold against you, not your money . ''i stare wordlessly at emerson, knocked into sullen silence once again by his masterful putdown. by now, but emerson has figured out exactly how to get to me. about two months ago, i got the shock of my life when my widower father, robert rowan, announced that, after four years of refusing to date, he had just met the new love of his life. her name was deborah, he told me. they'd met at aa and `` really hit it off ''.

he talked about her incessantly, stayed out all night like he was a teenager again, and generally weirded the hell out of me. after just two weeks, dad told me that he was in love, and wanted to introduce this deborah to me as soon as possible. i begrudgingly agreed to be around for dinner the following night to meet his mystery woman. we lost my mother sandy to a terrible car accident just before i started high school, so the idea of a new woman in my father's life was a little hard to swallow. still, i did my best to put on a happy face and be as supportive as possible. i've never been very good at saying `` no '' or standing up to my dad, so it's not like i had much of a choice. as our doorbell rang the next night, signaling deborah's grand entrance into our family's life, my dad asked me to answer the door. it wasn't until i was en route that he mentioned deborah's son would also be joining us for dinner.

when i swung open the door to welcome our guest and her plus one, i'm surprised that my jaw didn't crack from hitting the floor so hard. there, standing on my doorstep, was emerson sawyer. and i could tell from the blank, disinterested look in his eye that he had no idea who i was. `` what's this ? ''emerson interrupts my thoughts, grinning as he snatches the metallic flask out of my back pocket. a trail of sensation sears along the skin just above my belt as his fingers brush against my bare flesh. goosebumps spring up where his fingertips glanced against my body. it's like my every cell is hard-wired to respond to him. i need to give each and every one of those cells a stern talking-to. emerson knocks back a slug of booze without checking to see what it is first, and lets out a raucous hoot as he tastes the strong whiskey. `` you brought the good stuff ! ''he crows, draping a muscled arm across my shoulder. `` this must be from daddy's stash, huh ? ''

`` give it back, sawyer, '' i demand, trying half-heartedly to push him away from me. if i'm being perfectly honest, the feel of his hard, solid body against mine is something i'll never stop secretly jonesing for-but he can never know that. `` come on, sis. sharing is caring, '' he teases, holding the flask up in the air, just out of my reach. mocking my height-or lack thereof-is one of his favorite hobbies. i sigh, refusing to engage in his game. sometimes, i miss the days where emerson didn't even know my name. we don't go to a gigantic school-there are about three hundred kids in our senior class. so for the first three years of high school, i was able to harbor a huge, unrequited crush on emerson without ever actually having to speak to him. emerson's a lacrosse player, part of the `` in '' crowd. because our school is so diverse, socio-economically speaking, popularity doesn't depend on how much money your family has.

if it did, i might actually be known around school as something other than `` that short girl who's always drawing . ''but the gods of popularity did not decide to favor me, it would seem. my very petite, nerdy, soft-spoken self is just about invisible in the halls of mccarren high school. in fact, these days, the thing i'm best known for there is being the daughter of the guy emerson's `` hot mom '' is dating. oh, goody. `` just take the damn flask, '' i mutter, turning on my heel to go, `` i'm out of here anyway. enjoy yourself, sawyer . ''but as i attempt to make my grand exit, emerson steps directly into my path, his staggeringly built body blocking my way. i collide with his muscular form, my hands landing flush against his abdomen. i have to swallow a moan as i feel his insanely cut six pack rippling beneath my fingers. i step quickly away, catching riley's amused gaze. she knows all about my feelings for emerson, being my best friend and all.

hopefully, the other dozen people here in this room can't see right through me, too. especially emerson himself. `` don't be such a downer, '' he laughs, handing me the flask and extinguishing his smoke in someone's discarded red cup. `` stay and have fun for once in your life . ''`` i'm not a downer. you're just a pain in the ass, '' i reply, snatching the flask out of his strong hands. `` hey. i had a very troubled childhood, '' he says over-dramatically, laying a hand over his heart and arranging his features into an anguished pout. `` i can't help myself . ''`` who am i, officer krupke ? ''i ask, laughing despite myself. `` give me a break . ''it's no wonder emerson is so popular, with his wicked sense of humor, his bad boy good looks, and his devil-may-care attitude. he could have his pick of any girl in our school, of that much i am absolutely certain. i've been keeping careful tabs on his romantic life for years now, and he definitely doesn't seem to be the `` relationship type ''.

he's hanging out with a new girl every weekend, just about. and it seems that this weekend is no exception. `` hey emerson, '' a breathy voice says from over his shoulder. two thin, manicured hands slide around his torso from behind, and a beautiful, green-eyed face peeks around his built form. my heart clenches painfully as i recognize courtney haines, a gorgeous redheaded girl in our senior class. she's our resident thespian, the beautiful star of every single school play, talent show, and choir concert. she'll probably head to new york after graduation and become some broadway sensation. but right now, she seems pretty happy in the role of girl who gets to make out with emerson sawyer tonight. i have to admit, i would be too. stop that, i chide myself, shaking off my discomfort. you're not allowed to like him like that anymore. your parents are dating. plus, he thinks of you as an annoying little gnat ... when he thinks of you at all. get a grip, abby. `` hey riley.

hey abby, '' courtney haines says, draping emerson's arm over her shoulder. `` glad you guys could make it to my little shindig ! ''`` this is your house ? ''i exclaim, looking around in wonder. my dad's place is pretty stately, but her home is truly a den of luxury. it's more of an estate than anything else. our area of connecticut is chock full of gigantic homes, but her family's puts them all to shame. `` yep. and would be my room, '' she smiles smugly, letting her hand travel down into emerson's back pocket. `` my parents were nice enough to give me the master suite and everything, their dear hearts . ''`` how nice, '' riley says flatly, stepping up beside me. riley's family is distinctly working-class, and the trappings of wealth have never interested her much. she's never held my family's financial situation against me, of course. but that's only because i'm aware of the privilege that comes along with having a family that's `` old money ''.

she has no patience for the rich kids in our school who seem oblivious to how good they have it. and courtney is most certainly one of that number. `` come on babe, '' the redheaded girl says to emerson, `` we're just about to play a little game. you girls should play too ! ''`` what sort of game are we talking about ? ''riley asks, stealing a nip of my booze. `` darts? poker ? ''`` seven minutes in heaven, '' courtney squeals, bouncing up and down excitedly on the balls of her feet. `` are you serious ? ''i blurt out. `` sure, '' courtney replies, miffed by my less-than-enthusiastic response. `` what's the problem? we're doing it ironically. you're some kind of hipster, aren't you? you should appreciate that . ''`` i'm not a hipster, '' i reply, `` i just like to read, occasionally . ''emerson tries to cover up a hearty chuckle with a cough. i glance over at him, amazed. did i actually just make my detractor-in-residence laugh?

`` whatever, '' courtney chirps, towing emerson back toward the group, `` join in or don't . ''`` let's get out of here, '' i mutter to riley, as emerson strides away. `` and miss your chance to wind up in the closet with your otl ? ''she grins back. `` my what ? ''i ask blankly. `` your one true love, obviously, '' she says, looping an arm around my waist and dragging me toward the group. `` oh please, '' i whisper, `` it was just a crush! and besides, it's over now . ''`` right, '' she says, rolling her eyes, `` because i didn't just see you fawn over his six pack for a long, steamy moment back there . ''`` i didn't fawn over anything, '' i hiss, `` i just- '' `` ok ! ''courtney chirps, rubbing her hands together and looking around at her assembled guests. `` let's do this. everyone know the rules of seven minutes in heaven ? ''her eyes land on me. `` abby ? ''`` ha. ha . ''i murmur, wanting very badly to melt into a puddle. `` yes, i know the rules. i was in eighth grade once, too . ''

the group chuckles, surprised by my swipe at the queen bee. courtney isn't the kind of girl who gets talked back to very often. which, in my opinion, is why she should be talked back to at every opportunity. even emerson cocks his head at me in something that looks faintly like admiration. or at least, something other than generally bored disdain, which is his default attitude toward me. `` ok. so who wants to pick our first two victims ? ''courtney asks, her green eyes sparkling with mischief. `` me! dibs ! ''riley says firmly, thrusting her hand into the air before anyone else has a chance to. a cold stab of panic rips through me as my best friend smiles wickedly. `` great, '' courtney chirps. `` riley, you start. who should we stick in the closet first ? ''`` don't you dare, '' i mutter under my breath, `` riley, i mean it- '' `` emerson and abby ! ''riley crows triumphantly, shooting me a smile that clearly says, you know you want it. you'll thank me for this someday.

`` oh, '' courtney replies, the corners of her pretty mouth turning down. `` i mean. i guess that's fine. if you're into incest or whatever . ''our classmates laugh with delight as that taboo word drifts through the air like some smoke from one of emerson's cigarettes. a deep pang of shame twists my core. i've spent many a sleepless night berating myself for still being attracted to emerson. i've hurled the `` i word '' at myself a million times, hoping to break the spell he's cast over me. but no dice. no matter how wrong the rest of the world might think it is, i'm crazy for this gorgeous, cool, sneakily intelligent boy. our parents little affair can't change that. `` super twisted, riley, '' emerson laughs, crossing his thick arms. `` i like it . ''courtney's eyes flash with jealousy as she swings her gaze my way. `` fine, '' she snaps, clearly annoyed not to be heading into the closet with emerson herself. `` but you two had better make good on it. no twiddling your thumbs in there.

we'll want some proof that you actually did something. right everyone ? ''a chorus of assenting murmurs sounds off around the circle. i look around at my classmates, befuddled and humiliated. `` what the hell kind of proof do you want ? ''i ask, `` i'm not the sex tape sorta gal . ''`` figure it out yourself, '' courtney sniffs, shoving emerson toward me. `` you can thank your bestie riley for her suggestion . ''`` thanks bestie, '' emerson grins at riley, coming to a stop in front of me. he makes a grand sweeping gesture, offering his arm as if we were going to a ball. `` ma'am ? ''he teases. `` let's just get this over with, '' i grumble, storming past him to the closet door. the crowd makes kissy noises as i wrench open the door and march inside with emerson on my heels. as i step into the space, i'm taken aback. i was expecting some kind of coat closet, with barely enough room to move around.

but of course, courtney's closet is an enormous walk-in affair, with rows and rows of clothing, shoes, and accessories lining the huge space. her closet is fancier, and perhaps even as big, as my bedroom at home. there are golden-plated fixtures, a sparkly chandelier hanging overhead, and a decadent, velvet fainting sofa standing front-and-center. emerson steps up beside me as both of our gazes fall on the couch. we steal simultaneous glances at each other, then quickly look away. my cheeks flame red as i try and dislodge the sexy image playing out in my mind's eye : emerson laying me out across that sofa, ripping my clothes off, and having his way with me as the smooth velvet upholstery caresses my bare skin. he, on the other hand, is probably preoccupied with counting down the minutes before this little joke is over. `` see? this is why i never come to parties, '' i murmur, crossing my arms tightly across my chest. `` really?

i thought it was 'cause no one ever asked you to, '' he says wryly, taking a seat on the fainting sofa and stretching out his long, toned body. tormenting me, is more like it. `` i would have expected you to have better plans, at least, '' i reply. `` we need to start coordinating with each other so this doesn't happen . ''`` what, this ? ''he asks, gesturing around at the closet as our seven minutes unfold. `` not this specifically, '' i say, rolling my eyes, `` i just mean we should avoid seeing each other any more than we absolutely have to. especially now that you and your mother ... '' i trail off, shaking my head. `` since we what ? ''emerson snaps, suddenly on the defensive, `` invaded your precious ivory tower ? ''i bite my lip, intimidated by his heated tone. my dad and deborah have recently decided to move in together. or rather, they've decided that deborah and emerson are going to move in with us.

they're going to rent out their apartment on the other side of town and shack up in our place for the time being. one big, utterly strange, less-than-happy family. as if crushing on emerson wasn't weird enough for me, now the object of my unfortunate desire is going to be sleeping under the same roof, as well. college really can't start soon enough for me. `` you have to admit, it's kind of strange, '' i murmur, averting my eyes. `` dad and deborah's whole thing, i mean. they've known each other for, what, two months? and they're already moving in together ? ''`` my mom's a crazy, impulsive bitch, '' emerson shrugs, `` and your dad seems like someone who does whatever the fuck he wants without thinking about the consequences. what about this is surprising to you ? ''`` good point, '' i laugh hollowly, daring to sit on the very edge of the couch beside him. the mere proximity of his body to mine has my stomach twisting in anxious knots. has it been seven minutes yet or what?

`` well, '' emerson sighs, swinging his legs around so that he's sitting beside me. `` are we gon na get it on now or what ? ''`` ugh, '' i groan, giving him a shove, `` stop it, would you? why do you get so much pleasure out of making me miserable ? ''`` i don't, '' he replies, `` it's just so goddamn easy that i can't help myself. how the hell did you get to be such a little prude ? ''`` who says i'm a prude ? ''i shoot back, `` you don't know anything about my life . ''`` i know that i've never seen you even talk to a guy, '' emerson shoots back. `` what're you, keeping track of my lovers or something ? ''i reply. `` get a life, sawyer . ''of course, i don't mind at all that emerson's taking notice of my love life, paltry though it may be. as insane as it is, i can't help but hope that there's some chance he could come to feel the same way about me as i do him. call me a dreamer, i guess. a dirty dreamer. `` what are brothers for ? ''emerson grins, slipping an arm around my waist.

my head sets to spinning as the nearness of him entrances me. i look up at his gorgeous, sculpted face, mere inches away from my own. i've never been this close to him before. i memorize the contours of his perfect features-his high cheekbones, his aquiline nose, the scruff along his razor sharp jaw, and of course those dark blue eyes. from this close, i can see that there are specks of gold gleaming in his irises, and a dash of freckles across the bridge of his nose. at last, my eyes land firmly on his full, firm lips, half curled into a devilish grin. his arm is still circled around my tiny waist. am i imagining things, or is his grip growing the slightest bit tighter? a silence blooms over us, heavy and thick. my eyes flick back up to his. a cast of seriousness has come over his gaze. to my amazement, i watch as his face moves closer to mine, by barely a millimeter- `` five minutes ! ''i hear courtney call from outside the door. `` shit, '' i mutter, tearing my eyes away from his perfect face.

my whole body is on fire with scattered anticipation. for a second there, i actually thought he was going to kiss me. talk about wishful thinking. `` so. how are we going to please the horny masses ? ''i ask, nodding toward the door. `` i have an idea, '' emerson says, his grin returning at full force. `` you're going to give me your panties . ''my jaw falls open as i whip around to face him. `` excuse me ? ''i splutter. `` you heard me. hand them over, '' emerson says, punching me lightly on the arm. `` i can hold them up as proof that we did the deed, and everyone will know that you're not a frigid, virginal weirdo . ''`` that is so messed up, '' i say, jumping to my feet. i'm just going to leave the whole `` frigid virgin '' thing alone for now, i decide. no use opening that can of worms. `` let those assholes think what they want. i'll never have to see any of them again in a few months . ''`` come on, sis. do it for me, then, '' emerson says, standing to meet me.

he catches my arm, giving me a soft tug toward him. `` don't you want to help me protect my reputation ? ''`` not really, '' i reply, as he closes the space between us. i wonder if he can see my heart pounding through my black sweater, see my knees trembling beneath my tartan miniskirt? `` what if i ask you nicely ? ''he returns, his voice softer, huskier than i've ever heard it. he runs his hands down my arms, not an inch of air between our bodies. that seriousness has hardened his features once again ... or is he just fucking with me? `` are you really capable of that? asking nicely ? ''i try to joke, but my own voice seems to have dropped a lusty octave. my breath catches in my throat as his hands land firmly on my slender hips. `` give me your panties, '' he growls, his fingers tightening ever-so-slightly, `` please . ''i stare up at him in amazement. he's totally serious. if i had any sense at all, i'd step away, laugh off his request, and wait for the next five minutes to tick by.

but my sense has been fully eclipsed by my want to please him in any way that i can. maybe he's joking after all, but i'm not going to let this moment slip away between my fingers. i have to show emerson sawyer what i'm made of. it's now or never. `` you have to turn around, '' i whisper hoarsely. his eyes spark with intrigued wonder. slowly, silently, he pivots away from me. keeping my eyes fixed firmly on his face to make sure he doesn't peek, i reach up under my skirt and slip my thumbs under the elastic band of my panties. thank god i thought to wear one of my sexiest pairs tonight. i don't usually go for fancy underthings, but this black lace g-string is an exception. my breath comes hard and fast as i slowly lower my panties over my firm ass and thighs, balancing carefully as i ease them down. i step out of them, wobbling just slightly, and shiver as i feel the cool air against my sex. i can feel myself getting wet, standing so close to emerson, bare and ready.

god, i hope he won't be able to tell. unless he intends to make good on it, that is ... `` here, '' i tell him, holding up the delicate lace g-string. emerson turns back to face me, looking taken off guard for the first time since i've known him. `` damn, '' he murmurs, taking the panties carefully-almost reverently-from my hand. `` there's more to you than i thought, abby . ''he called me abby, not `` sis '', i think to myself, a grin spreading across my face. maybe seven minutes in heaven isn't such a terrible game after all ... `` now, my question is, '' i begin, easing toward emerson once more, `` what do you intend to do with those ? ''those soft, sculpted lips part, ever-so-slightly, as he draws in a deep breath. `` well, '' he starts, letting his blue eyes travel down the length of my body. `` i can tell you what i'd like to- '' a shrill scream rings out from somewhere within the massive house, a wave of frantic noise building from below.

the din rises, tearing my and emerson's attention away from each other. the pounding music cuts off abruptly, and through the cacophony ringing out beneath our feet, a new set of voices can be heard loud and clear. `` police! everybody out ! ''`` break it up, break it up ! ''`` anyone still here in five minutes is under arrest ! ''`` fuck me, '' i mutter angrily, shoving a hand through my blonde hair. `` certainly no time for that now, '' emerson laughs roughly, playing off our intense moment. or maybe i was just imagining that intensity? i'll never know now. i squint as bright light floods the closet once more. someone's ripped open the door, revealing the chaos unfolding in the master bedroom suite. courtney is bawling frantically as everyone else makes a beeline for the exits. emerson shoves my panties into his pocket just in time, before riley darts into the closet to fetch us. `` we have to go ! ''she says firmly. `` how are we going to make it past the cops ? ''i ask worriedly.

running from the police isn't exactly my strong suit. luckily, emerson is a bit more experienced on this front than i. `` come on, '' he commands, a daredevil smile spreading across his face as he takes my wrist in his hand. riley gives me a big wink as emerson carts me away into the frenzy of escaping partygoers. we dive into the fray, the voices of police officers and drunken high schoolers commingling in a deafening clash. as we run along the second story landing, i watch as one incautious classmate takes a swing at a cop, then finds himself in handcuffs a moment later. i stay as close to emerson as i can as he barrels through the crowd, protecting me from the surge of moving bodies. we careen into an empty bedroom and slam the door behind us, our chests heaving with exertion. `` where did riley go ? ''i ask, panicked. `` no time to look for her, '' emerson says gruffly, striding toward the bedroom window, `` if i get arrested again, my mom's gon na ship me off to the army or something . ''

he wrenches open the window and kicks the screen clear out of the frame. `` is that really necessary ? ''i hiss, as he peers out into the night. `` jackpot, '' he says, ignoring my question, `` we can climb right down this trellis. and your dad's place-sorry, our place-is close enough to make a run for it . ''`` how am i supposed to keep up with you, mr. varsity athlete ? ''i demand, planting my hands on my hips. `` run fast, '' he winks, swinging a leg over the window sill. i let out a frightening yelp as he disappears out the window, and rush forward to make sure he hasn't fallen. i look on as emerson dismounts gracefully onto the lush green grass below, looking up at me expectantly. `` i can't do that, '' i call down to him. `` you have to, '' he insists, `` don't be such a little chicken shit, sis . ''`` no. i mean, i can't ... '' i trail off, blushing wildly, `` you still have my. you know . ''

a wild, raucous laugh rips out of emerson's throat as he remembers that my panties are still in his pocket. i'm totally commando. and wearing a skirt. not exactly the best trellis-climbing attire. `` i promise i won't peek, '' emerson says, getting a hold of himself. `` just come on . ''`` no fucking way ! ''i reply, crossing my arms. `` look. it's either scamper down here, bare-assed, or get arrested. your call, '' emerson shoots back. `` i'm pretty sure your precious colleges won't be thrilled with your having a criminal record . ''i bite my lip, glancing over my shoulder as the din of the raid reaches its peak. he's right. i'm all out of options. `` you have to close your eyes, '' i tell him. `` i mean it, sawyer . ''`` yeah, yeah, '' he says, screwing his eyes shut. `` get a move on, weirdo . ''a cool breeze brushes against my most intimate flesh as i scoot onto the window sill. as far as strange sensations go, this has to be up near the top.

checking once more to make sure emerson's eyes are really closed, i grab onto the vine-covered trellis beside the window. with a deep breath, i swing out into the open air. i've never been very good with heights, so this is not exactly my idea of a good time. `` oh, for fuck's sake, '' i groan, as the breeze lifts up my skirt. `` what's that ? ''emerson asks, one eye almost cracking open. `` no ! ''i screech, my stomach dropping at the thought of him getting an eyeful of my cooch from down below. in a desperate, unthinking moment, i try and smooth down my skirt, losing my grip on the flimsy trellis. i feel my body pitching backward, plummeting through the air. i brace myself for the impact, waiting to hear my bones crackling as i hit the ground. but in the next moment, i feel two thick arms wrap firmly around my small body. i blink up at emerson from where i lay cradled in his grasp. he didn't even stagger when i fell into his embrace, he's that much bigger than i am.

for a moment, it's all we can do to stare at each other in wonder. we're closer than we've ever been before. so, so close ...i glance down at my legs and see that one of emerson's hands is gripping my bare ass, full on-the tips of his fingers dangerously close to my exposed sex. `` oh, '' i say faintly. `` oh ... '' he replies, realizing what it is that he's got a handful of. he lowers me unceremoniously to my feet, brushing himself off brusquely. am i crazy, or is that a slight blush creeping into his cheeks? `` let's get out of here, '' he says gruffly, shoving my panties back into my hands and taking off at a jog. i stare at his retreating back for a long moment before coming to. with trembling hands, i step back into my lacy underwear and set off in his wake. no way is he going to wait around for me-i should know that much by now. chapter two we spend the next hour darting through the thick, shadowy woods that blanket the town, slowly making our way home.

barely a word is spoken by either of us as we make our way along, pausing whenever we hear a siren in the distance. by the time we stumble through the brush and land in our backyard, i'm covered in scrapes and dirt. emerson, for his part, seems to be mostly unscathed. but of course he is. the lights are all out as we tiptoe into my childhood home-a stately but relatively modest tudor house. dad and deborah must be asleep by now. it is, after all, past two in the morning. hopefully dad won't ask too many questions about what i'm doing home in the morning-i told him i'd be sleeping over at riley 's. but he's not exactly the type to check up, and i doubt that deborah even goes through the motions of keeping tabs on emerson anymore. with a little bit of luck, we'll be in the clear. emerson and i slip through the back doors and plod up the carpeted staircase, skipping the creaky stair, coming at last to the second story landing.

there are three bedrooms in my dad's house : the master bedroom just off the landing, which he and deborah are sharing now, and two smaller rooms at either side of the hall. my room is down to the right, emerson's is to the left. he doesn't even bother saying goodnight before turning away and slipping into his room. with a sigh, i trudge back to my own quarters at the opposite end of the hall. closing the door gently behind me, i belly flop onto my bed, burying my face in the fluffy pillow and fighting the urge to scream. i can't sort through everything that happened between emerson and i tonight. between the tense moments during seven minutes of heaven to his accidental but steamy caress after i took a tumble off the trellis, i'm totally at a loss. tonight was the first time we've seen each other outside of school and home since he and deborah moved in. and it's certainly the first time anything so ... charged has passed between us. i flip over onto my back, staring up at the ceiling.

the glow-in-the-dark stars i put up as a kid still hang overhead, despite my near-adult status. with a pang of heartache, i realize that emerson and i are bound to part ways once we turn eighteen and graduate high school. i'll never know what could have been between us, if our parents hadn't ruined everything by getting together. then again, he probably never would have even learned my name if not for them. so i guess i should be somewhat grateful. emphasis on somewhat. knowing that i'll never fall asleep with all this tension built up inside of me, i roll over and slide open the top drawer of my night table. there, hidden among a jumble of makeup and jewelry, is a tiny device disguised to look like a tube of lipstick. its actual purpose is a whole lot more in line with what i need right now. i press a hidden button on the little bullet and smile as it whirs to life. my reliable vibrator-the best battery-operated boyfriend around.

laying back, i bring the vibrator down between my legs, slipping it beneath the lace panties that emerson held in his hands not hours ago. the mere thought of his broad, capable hands is enough to get me off almost at once. swallowing a low moan, i come into that black lace g-string, with emerson's face suspended in my mind's eye all the while. `` hopefully that won't make breakfast too awkward, '' i whisper to myself, savoring the relaxing wave that washes over me as i drift into a deep, satisfied sleep. the silence that first fell between emerson and i after he saved me from breaking my neck persists for the better part of the next two weeks. my handsome housemate may as well be a ghost, for all i see of him. he leaves for school early in the morning, stays out late at night, and generally avoids me like the plague. did i totally wig him out that night at the party? i could have sworn that he was sending me some flirtatious signals, but maybe i totally misread him.

maybe he just thinks i'm an incest-loving freak show now. i've never been the best flirt, i guess. riley almost dies when i give her all the juicy details a few days after the party. turns out she let us get separated when the cops showed up, so that emerson and i could have an `` adventure '' all on our own. `` so, he basically took off your panties and finger-banged you, '' she sums it up as we head off on a coffee run during our school lunch hour. `` that is a very liberal translation, '' i say, blushing like crazy as i stare out the passenger side window. `` he is so into you, '' riley grins. `` i can't believe it, after all this time . ''she catches my frown and backtracks. `` i mean, i can totally believe why he'd be into you, it's just- '' `` i know that's he a bit above my pay grade, ri, '' i tell her, leaning back against my seat. `` i'm not exactly up to par with the girls he usually hangs out with . ''

without preamble, riley swerves violently onto the shoulder of the main road, causing me to yelp in abject terror. `` listen to me, '' she says firmly, taking my face in her hands. `` you are every bit as sexy and bitchin ' as emerson sawyer. he'd be lucky to have you, abby . ''`` you don't have to do that, '' i insist. `` he's the badass, gorgeous lacrosse star, i'm the weird, short, artsy girl. if this were a teen movie, maybe we'd stand a chance. but i know my place on the food chain. guys like emerson don't go for girls like me . ''`` oh please, '' riley moans, rolling her eyes, `` in a few months ' time, we're all gon na be out in the real world. you could take your high-waisted shorts and dark lipstick-wearing self to any major city and be an 'it girl ' in three second flat. the rest of these assholes will have already peaked in high school, so count your blessings that you're a weirdo now . ''`` thanks? i think ? ''i laugh, `` really, ri. you always know how to cheer me up . ''

`` damn straight i do, '' she says, tossing her black curls over her shoulder. `` that's what best friends are for-assuring you that boning your maybe-someday-stepbrother is totally chill as long as your dad doesn't put a ring on it first . ''i shake my head as riley laughs, pulling back onto the road with the radio blasting. i try my best to keep riley's words of encouragement close to my heart as the silence between me and emerson continues on. you'd think we were locked in a nuclear arms race, for how cold things have become between us. i catch glimpses of him at school, and have the unfortunate experience of watching courtney try to stick her tongue down his throat on more than one occasion. but as the days until my eighteenth birthday tick away, the silent treatment goes on. a few days before my grand entrance into adulthood, i arrive home from school irritated and disgruntled.

the stress of college applications and ap course work coupled with the ongoing radio silence between me and emerson has me way on edge. so the very last thing i want to see when i walk in front door of my home is dad and deborah, making out like a couple of teenagers against the kitchen island. `` jesus, '' i mutter, starting for my room, `` is everybody getting some action around here besides me ? ''`` oh! abby ! ''deborah giggles from the kitchen, `` good. you're home . ''`` hi dad. hi deb, '' i mutter gloomily, standing at the foot of the stairs. `` i'm just gon na head up to my room and get some studying in- '' `` nooo, come on. come chat with us first ! ''deb insists, bustling out into the foyer to apprehend me. though emerson and i are the same age, deborah is about ten years my dad's junior. truth be told, she looks even younger than her biological age. her voluminous platinum blonde hair is always arranged in luscious curls, her makeup applied perfectly.

this stands to reason, given that she works as a freelance makeup artist, mostly doing weddings and the like. she's way taller than i am, especially given her penchant for wearing three-inch heels. and, i have to admit, the lady's got a killer rack. between the tits and her habit of wearing loud neon colors, it's no wonder that my dad took notice of her. my question is, what does she see in him? i wouldn't say that my father is unattractive. he's just very ... unremarkable. he was quite the looker as a younger man, but my mom sandy was the real beauty. their wedding pictures look like something out of a movie. i inherited my mom's facial features, but missed out on her vibrant red hair and hourglass curves. can't pick and choose what you inherit from your parents, i guess. and you certainly don't get to choose who your parents are in the first place. `` it's been ages since we've had a good talk, '' deb gushes, plunking me down at the kitchen table. `` tell me everything. how's school?

any boyfriends? spill, girl ! ''i glance over at my father, silently begging him not to make me engage in small talk with his girlfriend. but he just grins at the two of us like we're some big, happy family. as grating as deb can be, i haven't seen my dad smile like this in years. it's the least i can do to muscle through some mindless chatter. `` well, '' i begin, `` i dunno ... '' the sound of the front door opening is my saving grace. i look over my shoulder and see emerson stride across the threshold, making a beeline for his room. but deborah has other plans, and rushes out to greet him with a squeal. `` not so fast ! ''she cries, seizing her son by the arm. `` it's not every day that i can manage to snag you and abby for a chat. come on! we're having family time ! ''`` are you high or something ? ''emerson grumbles. i can tell by his inflection that it's an honest question. i wonder what it must have been like for him, growing up with a single mom who had substance abuse issues.

my dad's drinking didn't get bad until mom passed away, and by then i was already fourteen. but from what i understand, deb's drinking has been going on for most of emerson's life. my heart twists painfully just thinking about what a rough go he must have had. no wonder he's got more defense strategies than the pentagon. `` this is so wonderful, '' deb goes on, forcing emerson into a chair across the table from me. we immediately avert our eyes, looking anywhere but at each other. the uncomfortable silence between us is deafening in this enclosed space. what i wouldn't give for a trap door or an ejection seat right now. `` while we've got you both here, '' my dad finally cuts in, wrapping an arm around deb's waist. `` we should talk about your birthdays this weekend . ''`` birthdays ? ''emerson asks, his brow furrowing. `` as in plural ? ''i add, looking up at my dad. `` sure! haven't you guys figured it out yet ? ''dad laughs, `` your birthdays are only one day apart!

abby's is may 4th, and emerson's is may 3rd . ''a satisfied grin spreads across emerson's face as he leans back in his chair. for the first time since that night at the party, he swings his gaze directly my way. `` look at that, '' he says, keeping those blue eyes locked on mine. `` i am your big brother after all . ''`` oh, that's so precious ! ''deb swoons. `` i'm so glad you two are feeling more like family. that makes me so, so happy. what should we do to celebrate your eighteenth birthdays? bowling? the movies ? ''`` i was gon na buy a shit load of porn, cigarettes, and scratch off lottery tickets and have myself a private party, '' emerson says bluntly. `` you all are more than welcome to join in. though things might get a little ... awkward . ''i tear my eyes away from his at this last bit, feeling my cheeks burning hotly. he's baiting me. i can tell. `` honestly, emerson, '' deb says, her cheerful veneer cracking, `` do you have to shit all over every nice thing i try to do for you ? ''

`` don't worry, deb. he was just kidding, '' my dad coos, planting a kiss on his girlfriend's forehead. `` weren't you, emerson ? ''`` whatever helps you sleep at night, sport, '' emerson replies shortly, slapping his palms against the table. `` now, as fun as this has been, i've got things to do . ''he strolls out of the kitchen, pausing for half a second to snatch a bag of chips out of the cupboard. deb is so pissed off at his behavior that she and my dad don't even try to stop me as i hurry off after emerson. `` hey, '' i call to him, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up. `` emerson, wait . ''`` what. did i steal your afternoon snack ? ''he grins over his shoulder, holding the chips up over my head. his favorite game. `` if you can grab 'em you can have 'em ! ''`` yeah, no. i'm not interested in your chips, '' i say, standing before him on the landing. `` i just wanted to know if we're on speaking terms again now or what . ''`` what do you mean, sis ? ''

he asks, ripping open the bag and popping a chip into his mouth. this boy can even making chewing sexy. goddamn him. `` i mean ... are you done giving me the cold shoulder ? ''i press him. `` you've been avoiding me since that party the other night. when we- '' `` whoa, whoa, '' emerson chuckles. `` you are way paranoid. i haven't been avoiding you. i just haven't noticed you. there's been other shit going on. and you're pretty easy to miss . ''`` bullshit, '' i snap, taking a step toward him. `` i know you've been going out of your way not to see me ever since that stupid game in the closet. something ... happened between us, and- '' `` i don't know what you're talking about, '' he says, the joking laughter fading from his voice. `` but i do know that i don't want to hear another word about it out of you. ok ? ''`` you can't just pretend that nothing happened ! ''i cry out, exasperated.

`` keep your voice down, '' he growls, glancing down at the kitchen where our parents are still talking in hushed tones. `` i won't. not unless we can have a real conversation about this, '' i say at full volume, crossing my arms. `` you owe me that, at least . ''`` you are so fucking impossible, '' he says, shoving a hand through his chestnut hair. `` ok. fine. you wan na take a drive or something? will that shut you up ? ''despite the context of his offer, my stomach still does a thrilled somersault at the idea of being alone with him. `` sure, '' i say, `` let's hit the road. bro . ''`` i hope you know i'm just using you as an excuse to get out of this house again, '' he grumbles, dropping the chips onto the floor and storming off down the stairs. i follow right behind him, wondering whether or not he's fucking with me. at this moment, it doesn't much matter. i'm just happy that he's speaking to me again at all. you're just pathetic, i berate myself silently.

berating myself is something i'm pretty great at-i have a lot practice. `` are you leaving again already ? ''deb cries from the kitchen as we try to make our exit. `` you just got home ! ''`` yes mother, '' emerson sighs, in his most over-the-top cordial voice. `` abigail and i are going to take a spin around town. take in some fresh air. cheerio ! ''`` oh. well. good. you guys are spending some time together, '' deb says uncertainly. `` um. be back ... sometime ? ''`` will do ! ''emerson says, tipping an imaginary hat to our parents. i step out the door after him, shaking my head in amused befuddlement. `` and i'm the weirdo, right ? ''i laugh. `` haven't you figured it out yet, sis ? ''he says, striding over to the beat up chevy parked in the driveway. `` we're both weirdoes, you and me. get in the car . ''i trundle into the front seat, trying not to gawk as i settle in. i've never been allowed in emerson's car before. true, he and his mother have only been living with us for a few weeks. but still.

being admitted into this `` sacred vessel '' of his feels pretty significant. it's all i can do to keep myself from caressing the worn out leather seats, the dusty dashboard, as if this car were a shrine to the boy i'm crazy for. `` so. what kind of shit do big brothers do with their little sisters ? ''he asks, rolling down his window and lighting up a smoke. `` want me to take you to the playground or something ? ''`` no. but you could bum me a cigarette, to begin with, '' i say lightly. `` you don't smoke, '' emerson scoffs, looking over at me sharply. `` not anymore. but i did, '' i inform him. `` no fucking way, '' he says, narrowing his eyes. `` yes fucking way, i assure you, '' i reply. `` come on. gim me one . ''`` if you don't mind my saying, '' he goes on, passing me his pack of camels and a lighter, `` smoking doesn't really seem like your kind of thing . ''`` there are lots of things you don't know about me, emerson, '' i reply, plucking out a cigarette and lighting it up.

`` but if you're real nice to me, i might just tell you a couple . ''he stares at me for a long, silent moment. the same look he trained on me the night of the party-in the closet when i handed him my panties, when he caught me in his arms after i fell-is there in his eyes again now. i do my best to draw deep breaths, hoping he can't read my thoughts. my desires. but instead of giving me any sort of clue as to what he's thinking, he just starts the car and drives off toward town. we zoom along in silence, unsure of what to say. or at least, i'm unsure. maybe he just doesn't care to spare any words on me. after a while, he flips on the car radio. a song by the foo fighters comes on, and i sit up a little in my seat. they're one of my favorite bands-just heavy enough for my taste. i start singing along, nodding my head with the beat. emerson lets out a short, surprised laugh. `` would have taken you for more of a taylor swift kind of girl, '' he says over the music.

`` but i'm not supposed to make assumptions about you anymore, right ? ''`` that's right, '' i smile. `` can i at least assume that you'll want dinner at some point tonight ? ''he asks. i have to fight hard from letting a dopey, love-struck look escape across my features. he just wants to grab food. it's not a date. i just happen to be along for the ride. but still. `` yeah, i'm starving, '' i tell him. `` great. me too. let's swing by the crystal dawn, '' he says, turning off onto a main road in town. chapter three the crystal dawn is our local diner, frequented by just about everyone in our relatively small town. high school kids, senior citizens, working class parents-no one can resist the crystal's dawn's greasy spoon appeal. emerson rolls up to the silver diner and swings into a parking space, cutting off another car with a laugh. `` do you just go out of your way to antagonize people ? ''i ask, stepping onto the sidewalk. `` i don't mean to antagonize them.

most people just happen to be assholes. i just treat them the way they deserve . ''he shrugs, tossing his smoke into the gutter. i follow suit, relishing my final drag. it's been over a year since i've had a cigarette. damn, do i miss them sometimes. `` what a charming attitude, '' i say, rolling my eyes. `` thanks sis, '' emerson winks, holding the door open for me like a real gentleman. or so i think, until he lets it fall in my face at the last possible second. yeah. maybe all this lovey-dovey nonsense is just in my head after all. we walk across the crowded dining car, over to a red vinyl booth in the back corner. one of the regular waitresses, a woman in her forties with heavy blue eye shadow and a perm, plunks a couple of menus down onto the table. we don't even have to look at them, of course. we've both lived in this town long enough to know exactly what we want. it's said that you can tell a lot about a person by their usual crystal dawn order. `` what're you having ? ''

i ask emerson with a playfully grave tone. he wiggles his eyebrows conspiratorially, perfectly aware of the weight of the question. `` bacon burger. medium rare. chipotle mayo . ''`` of course you're a raging carnivore, '' i groan, shaking my head. `` well, what are you getting ? ''he shoots back. `` broccoli and cheese soup in a bread bowl, '' i smile. `` wait, '' he replies, laying his hands on the table. `` you're not ... a vegetarian, are you ? ''`` i sure am, '' i reply with a chipper smile. `` of fucking course, '' he grumbles, looking downright appalled. `` you know factory farming is destroying our planet, right ? ''i tease him, putting on my best goodie-two-shoes voice. `` you know that tofu is a sin against humanity, right ? ''he shoots back. that one takes me by surprise, drawing a real laugh out of me for once. `` to be perfectly honest, i didn't start being a vegetarian for the environment's sake, '' i tell him. `` i wish i was that noble. but the real reason is way stupider . ''`` well.

why did you start ? ''he asks, halfway interested. that's still halfway more than usual, at least. `` when i was eight, my dad let me watch jurassic park with him, '' i reply. `` you know that scene where the goat gets eaten by the t-rex, and its leg flies up and sticks to the window ? ''`` yeah, obviously, '' emerson replies. `` shit was groady . ''`` yep. that's what did it, '' i admit. `` i haven't eaten meat since watching that movie. my mom was so pissed at my dad for turning me off chicken nuggets, i don't think she spoke to him for days. they kept waiting for me to grow out of it, but i never did. and so, here we are . ''`` that's hilarious, '' emerson says, smiling genuinely for perhaps the first time i've known him. it's not like his usual, sarcastic grin. it's something warmer, more honest. and it just about does me in. luckily, the waitress comes back for our orders right at that moment, so i don't end up throwing myself at him right then and there.

we lapse into silence again as we wait for our food to arrive. he agreed to talk to me about what's been going on between us, since the night of the party. but now that the moment has arrived, i can't think of how to begin. `` so. are you and courtney a thing or what ? ''i blurt out. smooth, abby, i grumble internally. `` courtney? nah, '' emerson shrugs, `` a little too high maintenance for me. and crazy as shit, too. plus she's always got show tunes on ... who listens to show tunes for fun ? ''`` i'm sure she's ... nice. when you get to know her, '' i reply. the last thing i want to do is go shitting on other girls just because they happen to have sucked face with emerson. if i did that, just about every pretty girl in our school would be on my shit list. girl on girl hate is something i try and avoid altogether, if i can help it. `` i'm not really that interested in 'nice ', is the thing, '' emerson scoffs, picking at a bit of loose paint on the table. `` what ... are you interested in ? ''

i ask, my voice going soft on me. emerson lifts his eyes to mine, the gold specks reflecting in the dying spring light outside the diner window. i swallow hard, waiting for him to go on. `` i'm interested in someone who can teach me things. show me things, '' he says. i'm totally taken aback by his direct answer. `` oh ? ''i say meekly. `` i could hang out with hot girls who don't give a damn about me as a person, or look for someone who seems interested in something other than my fantastic body, '' he continues, `` i'm gon na go with the latter . ''of course, he can't let a serious phrase go by without turning into a joke. is that a defense mechanism or what? `` have you ever met someone like that ? ''i dare to ask him, `` someone you could be interested in for more than a weekend ? ''he lets me writhe under his gaze, taking his sweet time to formulate an answer to my question. i can feel my cheeks growing hotter by the second before he finally says one word : `` maybe . ''

the rest of the restaurant seems to fall away around us as emerson trains his eyes on me. i have to choose my response very, very carefully here. this one little moment could be a turning point. a transformation. with my heart in my throat, i let my hand rest on the table, only a couple of inches away from his. those mere inches of space spark with electricity, searing my already frayed nerves. i wish i could tell him that i want the same thing from a relationship-to be with someone who challenges me, like he does. someone who's not interested in being nice or normal, like he is. someone who could show me a life i'd never be able to dream up on my own. like he very well could. `` emerson, '' i say softly, letting my hand drift slowly toward his, `` i- '' the front door of the diner flies open, slamming against the wall with a loud clatter. emerson turns to look over his shoulder at the sound, and just like that, the spell is broken. shit.

i glance up, annoyed, to see who's disrupted our near-perfect moment. but when i recognize the group that's just sauntered inside, i feel myself going numb. `` goddamn it, '' i whisper, `` not now . ''i quickly hiding my hands under the table, not wanting emerson to see how they've begun to shake. i pretend to be very interested in something out the window as i hear the boisterous voices of three guys from my school fill the enclosed space, one of whom i'm very intimately, and very unfortunately, acquainted with. to my horror, i watch from the corner of my eye as emerson waves at the trio. of course. they're his lacrosse teammates. he has no idea why flagging them down is the worst thing he could possibly do to me right now. against my silent prayers to any god that's listening, the three boys stroll over to our table. emerson swings his body around to greet them. `` hey guys, '' he says to his three teammates.

`` hey tank, '' says one of the guys, a blonde junior named steve, using emerson's lacrosse nickname. `` what's up ? ''`` nothing. as usual, '' emerson laughs, `` what's happening tonight ? ''`` some people will be over at my place, '' says roger, a lanky senior. `` got a couple of dime bags, if you want in . ''`` you know i do, '' emerson replies. `` we interrupting you ? ''steve asks. i feel their three sets of eyes fall on my face like laser beams. shit. i was hoping i'd get out of this without having to say a word to them. `` just grabbing some food, '' emerson says, `` right abby ? ''with great reluctance, i raise my eyes to the four boys before me. i try to keep my gaze trained on emerson, or even steve and roger, but my eyes can't help themselves. they flick masochistically up to the third boy standing next to our table. he's as tall as emerson, with jet black hair slicked away from his hard jaw, his full lips. his own dark eyes skirt away from mine the second we make eye contact.

he hasn't looked at me in years. i like to believe it's because he can't bear to, that the guilt and shame are too much for him to deal with. but in reality, it's probably just cold indifference that repels his gaze from me. his name is tucker jacoby. he very nearly derailed my entire life, back when we were fifteen. and it's abundantly clear that emerson has no idea. `` yeah ... '' i finally manage to say, my voice barely audible. `` just getting some food . ''`` you guys know abby, right ? ''emerson says to the trio. i can feel my skin starting to crawl with every passing moment they ... he lingers beside me. `` sure. yeah, '' steve nods, `` you do all those cartoons in the school newspaper, right ? ''`` right, '' i say shortly, my hands shaking violently under the table. `` that's me . ''`` i liked the one with the duck, '' roger puts in, `` didn't really get the joke, but- '' `` i'm starving, '' tucker cuts in. the sound of his voice is like an ice pick to my composure. `` let's get a table.

see you, tank . ''he turns away without acknowledging me, just as he's done for the past couple of years. emerson raises an eyebrow at his retreating back before glancing over at me. he freezes as he catches a glimpse of my upset expression, taken off guard by the extremity of my discomfort. `` see ya, tank, '' roger says, turning toward the table that tucker's claimed for them. `` think you'll swing by my place tonight ? ''`` yeah. i'll get back to you on that, '' emerson says, his eyes still fixed on my troubled face. the sudden concern clouding his handsome face is enough to make my own eyes prickle with hot tears. roger and steve trundle away after tucker, leaving emerson and i alone again at last. our food has yet to arrive, but i've lost any trace of my appetite. the air in the crystal dawn feels poisonous now. contaminated. i'm finding it harder to breathe with every shallow gulp of air i can manage to force down. `` abby, are you ok ? ''emerson asks, reaching for me across the table.

`` i. i need ... '' i gasp, struggling to form the simplest words. `` can we go? please ? ''`` of course we can, '' emerson says, his voice soft but firm. he rises to his feet and offers me a hand as i stand, shakily. i feel the comforting weight of his arm as he drapes it over my shoulders, holding me snugly against his muscled side. usually, i'd be all butterflies and giddiness to be this close to him. but in the midst of my anxiety attack, all i can feel is icy panic. i can't help but glance over at tucker as emerson leads me out of the diner. i should be used to the uncaring expression he saves just for me by now. i shouldn't let the mere sight of him unravel me like this. but i'm just not strong enough to not give a shit. i never have been. after what feels like a decade, i settle into the passenger seat of emerson's chevy. as he rounds the car, sinks into the driver's seat, and slams the door shut behind him, the bubble of my fear and apprehension bursts.

shame and relief crash simultaneously over me, rendering me speechless as emerson turns to take me in. his look, infused with compassion, undoes me completely. fat tears roll down my cheeks as i stare straight ahead, wishing that i could actually be as small as tucker makes me feel. if i was, it would be easy enough to slip through the cracks and disappear forever. `` abby, '' emerson says quietly, `` can you tell me what's going on ? ''i draw in a deep, ragged breath, trying to muster the strength for words. `` i'm sorry, '' i finally manage to whisper. `` i'm so sorry . ''`` you don't need to apologize for anything, '' he says, his brow furrowing. `` abby, is it ok if i hold your hand ? ''his simple request acts as a life preserver, saving me from going under in this rush of emotion. i look over at him and nod silently. without pause, emerson reaches for the hand that is currently gripping my thigh, uncurls my fingers, and laces them with his own.

i cling onto him like a drowning woman, amazed that he took the time to ask me if i wanted to be touched. i remember, through my thick fog of misery, that he must have plenty of practice being the comforter. how many times has he sat with deb as she descended into a depressive stupor? `` thank you, '' i manage to tell him through my tears. `` any time, '' he replies, giving my hand a squeeze. `` are you with me now ? ''`` i am. i'm here, '' i gasp. his simple touch was enough to drag me through the thick of my panic. i can feel the world coming back into focus around me. `` if you want to talk about what just happened back there, '' emerson says, rubbing his thumb against my still-trembling hand, `` we can . ''i look over at him, leaning toward me from the passenger seat. i've never seen him like this before. he's calm. gentle. caring. and all for me. i desperately want to explain myself, to tell him why i had to get out of that diner the second tucker walked in.

but letting him in on my shameful secret ... what if it wiped that compassionate look right off his face? what if he was never able to look at me the same way again? we're so close to figuring out how to talk to each other, how to spend time together despite everything. i don't want to ruin that. not for anything. `` would you mind if we just ... went home ? ''i ask, forcing my voice to remain steady. `` sure, '' emerson says, `` yeah. we can go home, abby . ''he holds my gaze for a long moment before turning back to the wheel. delicately, he extricates his fingers from mine to start the car. but the second we're in motion, i reach for it again. his hand is my anchor in this moment. i need it. i need him. we ride home in utter silence. the radio stays off, the windows stay closed. i gaze out the window at the darkening landscape, the familiar contours of the town i've called home all my life.

the incident at the diner only makes me want to speed up the days until i finally get to leave this place behind, go somewhere where nobody knows me at all. but how can i wish these days away knowing that my flight from here will mean being separated from emerson? anger floods in to replace my fear and shame. tucker has already taken so much from me. caused me so much pain. now my long-awaited conversation with emerson about where we stand has been ruined, thanks to him. if he proves to be the thing that keeps emerson and i from every truly getting a chance at being close, i'll never forgive him. then again, i never plan on forgiving him anyway. there are some things that no amount of time or patience can mend. i know that from experience. chapter four despite emerson's offer to listen if i want to talk about the `` diner incident '', we don't get into it upon arriving home. dad and deborah have gone out for dinner, as they do most nights when emerson and i aren't around.

the house feels cavernous and cold tonight. this place hasn't felt like home since mom passed away, but after what just happened with tucker, the entire town feels uninhabitable to me. i feel like i'm fifteen years old again. scared, confused, and so, so lonely. only now, there's actually someone here to help me through it. `` we still need to rustle up some grub, '' emerson says, moving ahead of me into the kitchen. he doesn't seem to mind my radio silence about what just went down at the restaurant, but there's definitely been a shift in his demeanor. his usual grin has been replaced by a comforting smile, and his entire attitude toward me seems gentler. nicer. it isn't that he's pitying me, thank god. it's almost as if he's recognized something of himself in me. go figure-i'm sure he has more pain hidden inside of him than anyone should be made to live with. `` well, i'm a terrible cook, '' i tell him, leaning my elbows on the kitchen island. `` couldn't even boil water if i tried . ''`` huh.

lucky for you, i happen to be an excellent chef, '' emerson says seriously, opening up the kitchen cupboard. `` wait. really ? ''i ask, surprised. `` really, '' he replies, `` i had to cook for mom most of the time growing up. letting a wasted person near sharp knives and open flames is a terrible idea . ''`` that follows, '' i reply. `` so, what do you have in mind, master chef ? ''`` well, '' he says, plucking a few items down off the cupboard shelf. `` how do you feel about risotto ? ''`` are you kidding ? ''i blurt. that's one of my all-time favorite foods. i used to ask my mom to make it every year for my birthday. but there's no way he could have known that. `` i'll take that as a 'fuck yeah ', '' emerson smiles, plunking a container of arborio rice down onto the counter. `` why don't you find us a movie on demand to watch or something? i'll get this thing whipped up in no time . ''i follow his suggestion and head for the living room.

stealing a glance at emerson over my shoulder, i feel my heart warm up a few degrees. his face is composed, free from the scowl that usually rests there. with dad and deb out for the night, i can almost imagine that this is our place-mine and emerson's alone. we've never once spent time like this together. he hardly ever stays in for a night, and i'm mostly preoccupied with extracurriculars and long study sessions at the library. after our disastrous outing before, this evening is suddenly looking up. maybe we'll even get around to discussing this sudden shift in our relationship. he's cooking me dinner, after all. clearly, miracles do happen. i scroll through dozens upon dozens of movies as emerson cooks. the savory fragrance of his recipe makes my stomach growl in eager anticipation. `` jesus. was that you ? ''he calls from the kitchen. `` not very ladylike, sis . ''`` what do you want from me ? ''i grin back. `` your gourmet masterpiece is taking forever. i'm starving in here . ''

`` i could always just scrap it and make you some easy mac instead, '' he teases. `` you're not that inhumane, '' i shoot back. `` that is true, '' he chuckles, filling two bowls with the steamy, decadent meal he's prepared. `` besides, this looks too good to waste . ''emerson walks over to the deep sectional couch where i've made myself a nest of pillows and blankets. i let out a low moan as i smell the garlicky, mushroomy goodness of the food. emerson hands me a heaping bowl topped with a mound of parmesan cheese and plops down onto the couch beside me, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. almost reverently, i scoop a bite of risotto onto my gigantic silver spoon and raise it to my mouth. emerson watches expectantly out of the corner of his eye as i sample his cooking. `` oh my god, '' i mumble around a mouthful of rice, `` i think i just came . ''emerson lets out a bark of surprised laughter at my crass joke. `` so you like it then ? ''

i nod eagerly, burrowing into the couch while i take bite after delicious bite of the food he's prepared. it occurs to me, as i nosh, that i haven't had an honest-to-god home cooked meal since my mom died. that awareness only makes this gesture of emerson's that much more meaningful to me. `` so, what're we watching ? ''he asks, taking a bite of risotto for himself. i grab the remote and click through to the film of my choice. it's an old favorite of mine. `` ta-da ! ''i say happily. `` the fuck ? ''emerson scoffs as he sees what movie i've picked out for us tonight. `` i thought you were gon na go for something with super heroes. or vampires. anything but this . ''`` what ? ''i reply. `` dr. zhivago is a classic ! ''`` classically depressing, '' he says. `` have you ever even seen it ? ''i press. `` well. no, '' he admits, `` but look at all that snow and shit on the poster! unless we're talking about snow dogs, that's never a sign of a cheerful movie . ''

`` cheerful is overrated, '' i tell him, `` and this movie is fantastic. just give it a chance. i promise, you'll love it . ''he raises an eyebrow at my fervid vow. `` well ... '' i amend, `` i promise you won't absolutely despise it, anyway . ''if it were any other day, i'm sure emerson would never submit to watching an old, tragically romantic movie with me. i can practically see him swallowing his pride like a big old bite of mushroom risotto as he says, `` fine. put it on. i'll try not to fall asleep . ''with a gleeful squeak, i queue up the film and settle back against the couch. as the opening theme swells to fill our living room, emerson eases over on the couch so that our bodies are almost, almost touching. his closeness, his kindness, and his understanding very nearly erase the upsetting events of this afternoon. i let myself get swept up in the film, in his company, in the wonderful, unprecedented feeling of comfort that's wrapped around me like so many blankets.

as we fill our bellies and turn our attention toward the movie, i'm amazed at how normal this all feels. spending time with emerson feels natural. easy. maybe there was a little silver lining to being so vulnerable in front of him earlier today, scary as it was. of their own accord, our bodies drift closer together over the course of the long film. the big meal has made me happy and sleepy, and i can feel my eyelids growing heavy. emerson's long, built body relaxes next to mine. and as we both lose ourselves in epic story, he casually encircles me with a strong, muscular arm. i'm elated to be close to him, but more surprised at how effortlessly our bodies fit together. i snuggle against his side, resting my head on his shoulder. the warmth of his body is like a balm to my frayed nerves, and we stay cozied up for the duration of the film. at long last, when the final credits roll, i'm reluctant to reach for the remote, to let reality come sweeping into this perfect, suspended moment.

i think i can sense hesitation in him too, but that could just be a lot of wishful thinking. at long last, the screen goes black. the house is almost entirely dark without the blue glow of the tv. but even so, neither of us makes the first move to disentangle our bodies. if there was any question before, i know that this embrace is more than merely platonic. emerson's hand moves slowly along my side, sending sensation sparking along each nerve he brushes. i turn my face gently toward his, peering up in the dim light. his blue eyes gleam even in the darkness, and his caring expression gives me the courage to rest a hand on the firm panes of his chest. i take a deep, steadying breath, willing myself to be strong. steady. `` thank you for this, '' i say, unsurprised to find that my voice has slipped low in my register with wanting him. `` i know you were out to make me feel better after this afternoon, and ... well. it worked. this was exactly what i needed . ''

`` i'm glad, '' he says, tugging me just a hair tighter against him. `` i hated seeing you so upset back at the restaurant. i figured dinner and a movie was the least i could do. was that a panic attack, or- ? ''`` anxiety attack, yeah, '' i reply, scooting up so that our faces are level. `` i've been having them for a few years now . ''`` did they start when your mom passed away ? ''he asks. `` um. no, '' i say, averting my eyes, `` not exactly . ''`` you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, '' emerson insists. `` no. i do want to. i want you to know what today was about, i just ... '' i sigh, trying to find the right words. `` hardly anyone knows. and this whole us-getting-along thing is pretty new, you know? i just need to know ... that i can trust you . ''i swallow a gasp as emerson lays a hand on my cheek, his eyes burning intently into mine. `` you can trust me, '' he says, `` i promise you that much, abby. how can i prove it to you ? ''`` trade me a secret for a secret ? ''