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without taking his eyes off me, he begins to pull back out, all the way to his tip, before sliding in again. he pulls out a second time, and as he returns, my lips part in surprise at my body's response. i think he can sense that i'm starting to warm to the sensation, because he begins to move a little faster. `` oh, nate, that feels ... it feels ... '' i trail off. there are no words. i simply wrap my legs around his back and dig my hands into his hair as he moves against me, as exquisite waves flow through my body. his lips find mine again, kissing me with a passion that matches the faster pace he's setting. i feel an orgasm begin to build inside me. i've had orgasms before, including an amazing one with nate, but this one feels different. it's so powerful that it scares me. i bear down against it, holding my breath to keep it at bay. but everything nate is doing is working against me. i feel his hands move to my breasts, and my back arches against the heat of his palms.

he kisses my neck as i bend to him, and his cock finds new and untouched nerve endings to drive me to the edge. `` oh, nate, it's too much ... '' i breathe, opening my eyes. `` i don't know if i can . ''he slows down for a moment. `` brynn, you're safe with me, '' he murmurs, his dark eyes finding mine, tenderness and passion mixed in them. `` you just have to let go. let go with me . ''he begins to speed up, but his eyes don't leave mine. i follow his advice, trying to let the orgasm take me rather than trying to control it. `` yes, yes, brynn, '' he grunts as my eyes roll back in my head. he slams his hips into me now, driving his cock inside me. i hear myself begin to moan as though i'm outside of my own body. his torso lifts off of me and he thrusts in a little deeper. the slightly new angle is enough to push me right over the edge. i completely lose control, my body arching with spasms of its own accord. i can vaguely feel him bucking on top of me, his sweat dripping down onto my skin.

he collapses on top of me and i tuck my face into his neck. his body weight feels exactly right on top of me. i feel like i could stay like this forever. chapter twenty-one i wake up to soft kisses on my cheek. my eyes flutter open in surprise. `` mmm ? ''i murmur incoherently. `` you passed out, '' i hear nate whisper back. i realize he's still on top of me-and inside me. `` oh, sorry, '' i smile, blushing a bit. `` i hope i didn't make too much noise . ''he grins. `` well, i think if they'd heard anything, we would have known about it by now . ''`` how long was i asleep for ? ''`` just twenty minutes or so. i was worried i was going to crush you . ''he kisses my lips and then reaches down. i watch him hold the base of the condom as he pulls out of me. the sensation of him leaving my body is jarring, and i lay still for another minute, absorbing it, as he walks to the bathroom. he comes back with a couple of wet tissues and i sit up to take them from him. `` it's ok, '' he says. `` lie back . ''

i obey, and feel him carefully wiping up the inside of my thigh, and then begin to giggle. he stops and looks at me with a confused frown. `` i'm sorry, i just-i never thought i'd be in this position with nate thornhill ! ''i explain. he shakes his head with a bemused grin as i continue to giggle. `` you bled a little, but it didn't get on the comforter. that would have been tough to explain, '' he says as he returns to the bathroom. `` i could have just said i had my period, '' i point out as i pull my comforter back and crawl underneath the sheets. `` oh, i guess that's true, '' he says, coming back and sliding into bed next to me. `` i can't believe i'm not a virgin anymore, '' i grin as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. `` i was beginning to think it would never happen . ''`` so ... you liked it ? ''he asks, running his fingers up and down my arm. i'm shocked to feel my body respond hungrily, as though i haven't just had a mind-blowing orgasm twenty minutes ago.

`` are you kidding me ? ''i ask, raising my eyebrows at him. `` what about me? was i ... '' `` you were excellent, '' he assures me. `` it was different, though . ''`` different, how ? ''i ask, frowning. he shrugs. `` i usually don't really know the girls i sleep with. or have feelings for them. even the ones i get to know, because we're hooking up regularly, i'll end it when they get too clingy . ''a fissure of concern rises in my chest. `` so ... don't get clingy ? ''`` that wasn't a warning, '' he says, turning to me with a smile. `` besides, i don't think of you as clingy. stubborn, maybe . ''`` gee, thanks, '' i reply, rolling my eyes. `` so, why did it never happen? losing your virginity ? ''he asks, turning to me and resting his head on his elbow. `` well, i guess it's not that surprising. i've never really dated. my first kiss was with this guy david in my junior year of high school. it was really fast. and gross. his tongue just sort of darted in and out of my mouth.

and then senior year, and freshman year of college, a few guys took me out, but it never really went anywhere. i mean, they were fine, but i really wanted to dedicate myself to studying, and getting a scholarship and all that . ''`` did your mom put a lot of pressure on you to do well in school ? ''i smile. `` the opposite, actually. she was always begging me to get my head out of a book and put on some lip gloss. which of course just made me want to stick my head even further into a book. i just never wanted to end up like her . ''nate raises his eyebrows at me, and i sigh. `` i mean, dependent on men. she never really learned how to do anything because she's so beautiful and charming and men would always do everything for her. but when i came along, they stopped coming around so much, and she had to take care of me all by herself. and even when they did, they'd eventually leave, and she'd be devastated.

curled up in bed for days, depressed, unable to care for herself ... '' `` so then you started taking care of her, '' he finishes. i nod. we settle back into the pillows for a minute. `` your mom should have known that not all books are created equal, though, '' nate begins thoughtfully. `` some are far more interesting than others . ''`` what ? ''i ask, with absolutely no idea what he's talking about. with a devilish grin, he reaches over me and opens my bedside table. i shriek and grab his arm as i see his fingers graze over my copy of lady chatterley's lover. but to my far more infinite horror, his hand keeps searching back and returns to the bed with my hot pink vibrator. `` oh my god, put that back ! ''he ignores me, and studies it thoughtfully as my cheeks burn. `` someday i'd like to watch you use this on yourself, '' he comments. my mouth drops open and he glances up at me, his eyes boring into me. `` what do you think about that ? ''`` i ... i don't know, '' i whisper.

`` not tonight, '' he assures me, replacing the vibrator in the drawer and turning back to me. `` tonight, i'll do all the work . ''i gasp as i feel his fingers slip between my legs and rub against my clit. `` you have no idea how much it turns me on to be your first for all of this . ''`` mmhm, '' i reply distractedly as my eyelids flutter. no way can i concentrate on speaking with his hand down there. `` brynn, keep looking at me . ''`` why ? ''i whine. `` because i like to tease you, '' he replies simply. i bite my lip and turn my head back to him. his fingers rub my aching nub over and over again. `` i like it when you order me around, '' i whisper, feeling shocked to hear myself say such a thing out loud. his eyes widen. `` you do ? ''`` only in bed, '' i explain. i watch his pupils dilate and his jaw muscles contract, as though he's struggling against some powerful reaction. he sucks in a breath of air and then blows it out of his mouth slowly.

`` oh, brynn, there are so many things i want to do to you. but we can't just jump from zero to sixty . ''i nod in understanding and then moan as he slips a finger inside me. `` you're so wet already. you want round two ? ''all i can do is moan in affirmation. `` turn around, '' he orders me, and a thrill of desire rushes through me. i obey, turning over onto my other side so that my back's to him. he runs his hand over my ass and then back between my legs and inside me. i hear him fumbling with his other hand and then the sound of a condom being ripped open. `` put your arms over your head, '' he tells me. i place them over my ears and onto the pillow, bending my elbows so that they don't hit the headboard. i feel his hand press down against my forearms, his long fingers easily reaching completely around me, and pinning me to the pillow. his other hand slides out of me and pulls my hips back toward him. i begin to tremble with anticipation, but don't have to wait very long.

i feel his cock at my slit, pushing into me as he holds me in place. i cry out from pain and pleasure as he reawakens the soreness he created the first time, but unlike that time, the pleasure is also instant and intense. i feel his mouth at my ear. `` you like that ? ''`` yes, oh god, yes, '' i moan. he thrusts into me faster. `` it's so hard to hold back with you, '' he mutters, almost to himself. `` you don't have to, '' i reply. i hear him grunt in response and slam into me harder. suddenly i feel myself being picked up and turned over. before i know it, i'm on my hands and knees without nate and me ever losing contact. i have to bite my lip to keep myself from screaming out in pleasure as he pulls out and drives back in. he's in so deep now, pressing directly against my g-spot with every thrust. my body begins to shake with another orgasm and this time, i let myself go with it. i feel nate's hands pulling my hips back to meet his with every thrust as he comes with me.

my elbows collapse down with the final shudder of my orgasm, and nate lands on top of me, immediately kissing the back of my neck. `` oh, brynn, i'm sorry, '' he murmurs, as he pulls my hair out of my face. `` sorry? why are you sorry ? ''i ask, befuddled. `` you're crying ... i'm so sorry. i was too rough, i went too quickly, i- '' he rushes on, sounding horrified. my brain tries to catch up with him. `` no, no. it didn't hurt. i didn't even realize i was crying. everything felt amazing . ''his body relaxes against mine. `` i was so scared for a second there. i thought i hurt you . ''`` no, honestly ... '' i reach up to touch my face, and he's right-my cheeks are damp. `` that's so strange. this doesn't happen a lot ? ''he pulls himself up so he can look at me with an ironic grin. `` i do try not to make girls cry, brynn . ''i laugh. `` i'm sorry, i just meant ... i wondered if this happens to other girls. i suppose i don't usually ... you know, let go of control like that.

maybe the emotional release ... '' `` maybe. just as long as you're ok. '' `` i'm more than ok, '' i assure him. `` sore ? ''i nod. `` a little . ''`` i'll get you some water, '' he says, kissing the back of my shoulder before gently pulling out of me. he comes back from the bathroom with a glass for me, and sits up in bed with me as i drink it. `` i wish you could sleep here, '' i murmur, resting my head on his shoulder. i feel spent, relaxed ... and happy. `` me too . ''chapter twenty-two the next morning, i wake up reaching for nate, but he's gone. i turn over onto my back in frustration. i thought that after we had sex my desire for him might fade a bit, become more manageable, but it's even stronger now. even though i can feel a little soreness and pain between my legs, i want him to take me again, and again, and again. i glance at the clock and am shocked to see it's almost noon. well, i guess i did have a big day yesterday, between almost sliding down that cliff and losing my virginity.

i slide under the sheets to the side of the bed and sit up on the edge. i roll my ankle and find that there's barely any pain, though i guess i should leave the tape on for one more day just to be safe. i stand and pull on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and head downstairs to the kitchen and fix myself some breakfast. my mom walks in just as i'm sitting down at the breakfast table. `` wow, that's a lot of food, brynn, '' she comments, raising her eyebrows at the amount of eggs and toast on my plate. `` starving, '' i reply, pausing only momentarily then continuing to shovel food into my mouth. `` i can see that. how's your ankle ? ''`` lot better . ''i clear my throat. i need to stop acting weird or my mom will know something's up. i put down my fork. `` did you have a nice lunch with pierce yesterday? where'd you go ? ''`` the palm, '' she replies. `` it was lovely. pierce is a regular there and always gets the best table . ''`` oh, good . ''i glance up as nate slides opens the door from outside.

he winks at me and i quickly bury my head back in my food so that my mom can't see the blush spreading across my cheeks. `` just returning from your morning workout, nate ? ''my mom asks as she begins to fix herself some tea. `` you're both getting such late starts today . ''`` must've been that hike, '' nate replies nonchalantly. `` how's your ankle ? ''`` lot better, '' i repeat, holding it out from under the table and rolling it around to demonstrate. `` better keep the tape on for another day just to be safe . ''`` that's just what i was thinking . ''`` anybody want some coffee? i'm just putting some water on, '' my mom breaks in. `` yes, please, '' we both chorus. `` you know, i'm so glad you two are getting along. that 'step ' word has such a bad connotation, i suppose because of cinderella ... you know, the wicked stepsisters. but of course, having a bigger family can be such a positive thing, '' she muses, turning up the burner on the stovetop.

i watch her for a moment, wondering if she's trying to bring up something about what i said to her last night, about how she needs to get involved in pierce's harsh treatment of his son. `` very positive, '' nate replies seriously, not looking at me as i glare at him warningly. it is so not the time for one of his smartass comments. `` pierce and i are going to the farmer's market in about an hour. you guys want to come ? ''and miss a chance to be alone with nate? `` i was thinking i was just going to sit by the pool today, '' i reply. `` give my ankle a little more time to heal . ''`` probably wise, '' my mom agrees. `` what about you, nate ? ''`` i have to, um ... '' he trails off, trying to come up with an excuse. `` you know, i think my friend jackson might swing by later, so i better stay home . ''`` ok, just the parents then, '' my mom with a faux sigh. nate and my mom both leave the kitchen to take their coffee into other rooms, so i can finish off my breakfast in peace.

after i clean up my plates, i decide to head into the den and turn on the tv. my body needs to digest that giant breakfast i just devoured. pierce and my mom find me sitting in there on their way out the door, and i wave goodbye. but as soon as the door closes, a ball of excitement forms in my stomach. i'm alone with nate. i feel like a kid on christmas morning. i push aside the throw and stand up, heading for the stairs and nate's bedroom. a flurry of nerves hits me as i walk down the hallway and knock softly on his door. `` one sec ! ''he calls back. `` ok, come in . ''i push the door open to find him standing just outside his bathroom, a white towel wrapped around his waist. he's dripping wet, having clearly just stepped out of the shower. `` oh, it's you, '' he says with a smile. i shut the door behind me. `` they just left . ''`` how are you feeling, really? i want to make sure i didn't go too fast last night. any regrets ? ''i walk toward him. `` i do have one regret . ''

he frowns in concern, his beautiful forehead marred by a line in between his eyebrows. `` there was something i wanted to do last night, but i didn't get the chance . ''the tension immediately leaves his face. `` which was ? ''he asks, the edge of his mouth twisting up in a questioning smile. i reach forward and unwrap his towel in response, then kneel in front of him. i watch his cock grow hard in front of my eyes as he gazes down at me. without another word, i run my hands up the front of his thighs, feeling his leg hair under my palms disappear as it reaches the line of his hips. i lean forward, trailing kisses just under his belly button. he smells amazing-a heady mixture of fresh shower combined with the very personal scent of his package. it's unlike anything i've smelled before, and though i haven't been with anyone else, i bet the smell is all his own. i wrap my hands around the back of his thighs as i dip my head and kiss the base of his shaft.

his cock jumps slightly in response to my touch, and i hear him groan. i wrap my hand around him, pulling him toward my mouth. i circle my tongue lightly around his tip, licking up a bead of liquid that has just appeared there. i move to the base of his dick, pressing my tongue down hard as i make my way back up the underside of his shaft, then flick my tongue around his tip. then i tuck my lips around my teeth and wrap them around him, stretching my mouth wide to receive him. i move slowly down his length, wanting to make him feel as good as he's been making me feel. and to tease him a little, too, if i'm being perfectly honest. i look up at him as i pull back, and see him biting his lip as he looks down at me. i circle his tip with my tongue for a minute as he watches me. i feel myself growing wet-why going down on him turns me on so much i don't know, but it does. his fingers wrap around the back of my head, digging into my hair, as he dips his head back.

i take him in my mouth again and begin to move faster. i bring one hand up to massage his balls, and wrap the other around his shaft, following my mouth. i still can't fit his whole cock in my mouth, so i figure this is kind of a good cheat. my eyes begin to water a bit as i hear him begin to groan. i move even faster, excited to feel him come in my mouth, and to taste him. `` oh, fuck, fuck, i'm coming, '' he moans, and suddenly my mouth is filled with liquid. i keep moving my head back and forth even as i feel it leak a little out of the corner of my mouth. should i swallow it? i don't know what else to do, so i lean back for a moment and feel it run down my throat. nate's taking deep breaths above me, his chest heaving, so i lean forward again and kiss his shaft gently as it softens a bit. i guess i expected it to, you know, go down right away, but it stays mostly erect as i stand back up. to my surprise, he wraps his arms around me and kisses me.

i thought he might feel some compunction considering where my mouth has been, but his tongue slips readily against mine and i relax against him. his hand slides down my ass and he rubs himself against me. `` how much longer do you think they'll be gone ? ''he asks breaking away and bringing his other hand up to my cheek. `` no idea . ''`` well, i'll make this quick, just in case . ''he pushes me away and steps back. `` strip . ''i almost gasp at the pleasure his command sends rushing through me. i pull off my shirt and yoga pants, then unhook my bra and slide my panties to the ground as he watches. my lips part as he wraps his hand around his cock as it hardens completely again. `` i want you to go on birth control soon, ok? i don't want to have to wear a condom with you . ''`` does it feel very different ? ''`` oh yeah. and i want to feel myself right up against you . ''he walks over to his bedside table and pulls a condom out and tosses it on the bed. `` come, '' he says, holding his hand out to me.

i walk over, and he turns me around, pulling my back against him. i feel his cock hitting the small of my back as he runs his fingers over my stomach and then up over my breasts, gently pinching my nipples. i groan into his touch. i've never felt anything close to the way he makes me feel. `` a little faster and harder this time, ok ? ''he asks, and i nod, already beyond speaking. his fingers slide down and over my clit, and i can hear the sounds of my wetness as he presses one finger inside me. `` you're already so wet ... good girl . ''his other hand snakes up to my face and turns my cheek so that i'm facing him. he kisses me, hard, his tongue ravaging my mouth as his finger circles inside my opening. his thumb flicks over my clit and i cry out in pleasure and surprise. as if he were just waiting for this response, he turns me around and pushes me down on my back on the bed. he picks up the condom next to me and quickly rips it open and pulls it on.

he grabs my hips and steps forward, pulling my ass down so that it's just on the edge of the bed. he bends over me, quickly pulling my breast into his mouth and gently nibbling on my nipple. he moves his weight onto his elbows and i feel him pressing inside me. there's a slight soreness left over from last night, but also instant pleasure. he stretches me open, pushing slowly but surely until he's all the way in. my hands dig into his back as he thrusts again, a little harder. then he stands up, still inside me, and pulls my legs up so that my calves are resting on his shoulders. he moves his right hand over my crotch, and i moan as he begins to circle my clit with his thumb. i cry out as he begins to pull in and out of me at the same time, and i watch his face as he watches himself move inside my opening. the combination of his fingers on my clit and his cock inside me is quickly driving me crazy. `` aaggh, '' i cry out intelligibly, and nate's eyes snap up to my face.

he removes his hand from my clit and leans forward so that both of his palms are spread on the comforter. my legs are still on his shoulders, and i can feel a good stretch in my hamstrings in this position. i'm also completely immobilized as he begins to drive into me in earnest now, his jaw tense and his neck muscles bulging. i close my eyes and lose myself to the sensation of being drilled over and over again. he's hitting me so deeply, and i'm absolutely out of control and powerless. maybe it would make me nervous with some other man, but i feel completely safe with nate. as an orgasm begins to rip through me, i feel his hands gripping my shoulders tightly, pulling me down against him as he comes inside me. `` brynn, oh, fuck, brynn ! ''he shouts as he releases himself. my legs fall off his shoulders and splay onto the comforter as he collapses on top of me. i gasp for air, and drowsily wipe the hair out of my face as i feel him stir on top of me. he picks his head up and listens for a moment.

`` they're still not home . ''`` mm, guess not, '' i murmur rather incoherently. `` good, '' he says with a wicked smile, and begins to kiss down the middle of my chest as he slides to his knees on the floor. `` nate, what are you-oh, god, '' i moan, as he takes a long lick of my slit. `` i can't wait until tonight to taste you again. it's like i'm addicted to this, to you . ''i close my eyes as he begins to flick his tongue across my clit. i thought i was completely worn out, but i'm coming back to life shockingly quickly under his deft tongue. his hands pin my knees to the sides of the bed, stretching me wide open so that he has complete access and control. i feel his tongue dart in and out of me-a completely different sensation than when he uses his fingers. my back arches off the bed as he moves back to my clit, circling it relentlessly. i whimper as i feel waves of pleasure begin to reverberate through my body.

my body wants to rock and shake, but nate's hands pin me firmly to the bed, and his tongue keeps flicking across me. my energy has no choice but to be completely directed to the reaction he's eliciting. for some reason, it's when nate backs off slightly that my body rocks into a full-out orgasm, my back arching wildly off the bed, just the top of my head and my hips remaining in contact with the comforter. `` oh my god, '' i breathe as i relax down. i lift my head slightly and watch him lick his lips before lying down next to me on the bed and lazily flopping an arm over my waist. `` we should get dressed, '' he reminds me, kissing me quickly before jumping back up. i groan. where's he getting all this energy? i feel like i could sleep for days. `` do you think there will ever be a day when we can tell them ? ''i ask with a yawn as i sit up. he pauses for a moment as he pulls open a dresser drawer. `` i don't know. let's just keep it our secret for now . ''

`` no, no, i wasn't saying i- '' i break off as we both hear a car pulling up to the front of the house. i hurry over to the pile of my clothes and ball them up in my arms before running to the door. `` see you later ! ''i call quietly over my shoulder as i dash naked down the hallway. as i shut my door behind me and begin pulling on my clothes, i wonder why nate was so quick to suggest that we keep it quiet. not that i want something different-for now, at least. but someday ...i mean, does he just envision keeping our relationship secret forever? what kind of relationship would that be, anyway? i sigh. these kind of questions are what allison warned me about in the first place. it's just ... fuck. what was once a far-off crush has become real for me. too real. and nate has said he has feelings for me, that i'm different, but he hasn't been any more specific than that. on my end, i don't think this is a purely sexual infatuation. i'm really falling for him.

chapter twenty-three going to work this week and being away from nate during the day has felt like going through physical withdrawal. i really have to force myself to focus, because sometimes i find myself staring off into the distance, remembering what he did to me the previous night. i wish i could just go straight home at six today, but i promised allison i'd go shopping with her. and there are actually a couple things i'd like to pick up for myself. i meet her at the anthropologie in georgetown mall, and we start going through the sale racks as we catch up. while she's not looking, i slip a couple sets of lingerie and sexy bras into my basket. i want to wear something a little sexy for nate, but i don't want to face allison's inevitable questions if she sees what i've picked out. we eventually make our way to the changing rooms and begin trying on our choices. i quickly slip on the first matching set of bra and panties. i admire myself in the mirror.

the lace is a pale violet, and not overtly sexy-it's anthropologie, not victoria's secret, after all. `` what do you think ? ''allison asks suddenly, pulling the curtain aside and stepping into the dressing room with me. she's wearing a blue cotton dress and twirls for a second before she realizes what i'm wearing. her eyebrows raise. `` whoa . ''`` allison, '' i groan, pulling one of the more substantial pieces of clothing off a hanger to cover myself. `` you know, i had a feeling something was different with you, '' she says, beginning to smile. `` really ? ''`` yup. and i was right. i always thought you two would make a good match . ''`` what? that's not what you said . ''`` yeah, i totally called it ! ''`` no, you completely warned me against the whole thing, '' i reply, confused and even slightly annoyed. `` wait, '' she says with a frown, `` who are you talking about ? ''`` who are you talking about ? ''`` greg, obviously ... '' `` oh, right . ''`` brynn ... '' `` what ? ''i ask innocently.

`` if it's not greg, who did you think i was talking about ? ''she asks, her eyes widening. `` it's not important, ok ? ''i reply, blushing. `` brynn, no. please tell me it's not nate. please. i mean, he's your stepbrother. it's ... it's gross . ''`` thanks a lot, allison. not exactly what i needed to hear right now, '' i snap, turning my back to her to pull off the lingerie. `` um, maybe it's exactly what you need to hear right now. i mean, what's with you? you're ignoring a perfectly nice guy to go out with some jock like nate . ''`` well, first of all, it's none of your business. second of all, you're actually completely right about greg. he is 'perfectly nice .' there's no spark at all. zero. third of all, nate's not 'some jock .' he's really smart, and kind, and funny. and with him? sparks galore ! ''`` god, brynn, i'm just trying to look out for you. you're making some really bad decisions . ''i take a deep breath, not wanting to raise my voice in this public place.

`` no, allison, you're not trying to look out for me. what you're doing is judging me. completely different. and i really don't appreciate it . ''i finish pulling on my skirt and quickly slip my flats on as i grab my purse and walk quickly out of the dressing room. i walk straight out of the store and toward the elevator to the parking garage, my cheeks burning with anger, though i also feel a bit like crying. i've never had a big fight like that with allison before, and i don't like it. i freeze outside another store just as i'm about to reach the elevators. victoria's secret. my relationship with nate isn't `` gross . ''there's nothing wrong with what we're doing. if anything, my conversation with allison has made me want to lean into my relationship with nate, not out of it. i march in and straight to the raciest pieces i see. when i get home, i hear my mom and pierce laughing in the kitchen, and the tv from the den.

i walk in there and smile in relief at the sight of nate with his feet up on the couch. he moves his legs over and i plop down. `` hi, '' i murmur with a smile. `` hi, '' he replies. `` what's wrong ? ''i frown at him, and he reaches up to his shoulder, miming pulling at something. i stare at him for a moment before realizing he's mirroring my own action of pulling at my hair. i sigh and drop my hand. `` it's allison. we had an argument, '' i explain. `` she ... she found out . ''he cocks his head and then lets out a low whistle as he realizes what i mean. `` well, i suppose it's not that bad. i mean, i always thought ... '' he lowers his voice, looking back toward the kitchen where our parents are still talking. `` i always thought that at school, we could be more open. no one really knows you're my stepsister there. i mean, allison would have found out then anyway, right ? ''`` i guess so ... she just ... she called it 'gross .' we're not, are we ? ''

`` well, i certainly don't think there's anything gross about you . ''`` it's more than that, though. i feel like we're drifting apart a little, '' i reveal, swallowing a ball of hurt in my throat. `` mm, '' he replies, considering. `` like me and jackson, sort of. well, maybe you won't be quite as close as you were, but there are still things you can enjoy about her . ''`` when'd you get so wise ? ''i ask, nudging his feet next to me. `` since i started hanging out with you. you're rubbing off on me . ''before i have time to consider whether he's being serious or not, we hear my mom call, `` dinner ! ''from the kitchen, and are forced to put our conversation on hold. pierce seems to be in an unusually good mood during the meal, for which i'm grateful. not for his sake, but for nate 's, because he's much less likely to snap at his son when he's feeling jovial.

`` well, we haven't made an official announcement, brynn, but thornhill and co. has just landed mark broadman as a client, '' he reveals eventually. `` the hedge fund billionaire ? ''`` that's right. he has several new holdings, and needs advice on some public policy matters . ''`` wow, that's huge. congrats, dad, '' nate chimes in. pierce nods at him in a self-satisfied manner. `` i'm glad it's all-i'm glad that's happened, pierce, '' i correct myself. i almost referenced the scandal earlier this summer, but managed to change course. we never talk about it now, though i know that pierce was concerned that it would negatively impact his business. but landing such a big client is a good sign that people have moved on, and are on pierce's side. after dinner, nate and i leave the dining room separately, while our parents remain there chatting. we always make a show of going our separate ways, to keep up appearances.

i close my bedroom door knowing that he'll come for me around midnight, as he has every night this past week. my body quivers with excitement just thinking about it. i consider writing an email to allison, but decide i want a little more time to think about what to say. i turn to my purse and pull out the bag from victoria's secret that i stuffed to the bottom. i touch the black lace panties, a narrow diamond-shaped piece of fabric that just covers the essentials, with several thin strips, string, really, hooking around my hips and latching on to the back. the bra is conservative by contrast, though pretty with its chantilly lace-covered cups. i take a shower and then head downstairs for a cup of tea. i'm taking a mug down from the top cupboard when i feel nate come up behind me. he wraps his hands around my waist and presses against me. `` nate, not here ! ''i whisper. `` i know, i'm sorry, '' he murmurs in my ear. `` i just want you all the time . ''`` i have a surprise for you tonight, '' i admit.

he grinds his erection into my ass in response, his hands reaching under my shirt. `` you're killing me, '' he moans, then sighs, and rests his head on mine before pulling away. `` see you soon . ''i lean against the counter as i hear him retreat, my skin tingling where he's touched it. i know that sneaking around won't work forever, but for now, there's something so hot about it. i take my decaf earl grey up to my room, and change into the lingerie as i drink it, carefully pulling out the tags. i sink into bed with a yawn, pulling the sheet up over me. these late night assignations, while i wouldn't give them up for anything, are wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule. the next thing i know, i'm being woken up by someone sinking into bed next to me. i turn into the warmth of nate's body and slowly open my eyes. `` sorry, should i just let you sleep ? ''he asks, kissing the top of my head. `` no way, '' i reply drowsily. `` you have to have your surprise . ''`` where is it ? ''he asks, looking around.

i lift my arm and point down at my body. he grins, and pinches the top of the sheet in his fingers and begins to slowly pull it down. i bite my lip as i hear his sharp intake of breath as he reveals my bra. he pauses, looking up at my face. `` there's more, '' i promise him. he keeps pulling the sheet down, and finally pulls it over the barely-there panties. he tosses the sheet at my feet and runs his hand from my knee up my inner thigh. `` what shall i do with you tonight, brynn ? ''he asks, eyeing my lingerie. `` whatever you want, '' i breathe. `` stand up, '' he says abruptly. i stand, and he eyes me up and down, licking his lips, then narrows his eyes. `` you have any high shoes ? ''`` you mean heels ? ''i ask, with a smile. `` yeah . ''`` put them on . ''i walk over to my closet and slip them on, then walk back. `` better ? ''i ask, turning a little so he can see me from other angles. `` nothing could make you look any better than you already do, brynn.

it wasn't about your appearance, it was about your height . ''i frown at him in confusion. `` come here, '' he says, walking over to the bedpost nearest to the door. i follow him. he takes me by the hips and moves me so that my back is pressed up against it. `` you remember what happened in this exact spot? the first time i tried to kiss you, you denied me . ''i smile. `` i remember how much self-control it took . ''`` good answer. stay there . ''he walks over to my bureau and rummages around until he pulls out a couple of my old t-shirts and then walks back. `` close your eyes . ''i obey, and feel him wrap one of the shirts around my head, tying it in the back but slightly to the side, so that it doesn't hit the bed post. as he steps back, i try to open my eyes to test the blindfold, and find i can't see anything. `` you trust me ? ''he asks. i nod. `` hands behind your back. grip the bedpost . ''i feel my insides clench as i obey, spreading my palms against the solid wood of the bed.

a moment later, i feel the other t-shirt wrapping around both my wrists and the posts, holding me securely against it. `` pull against it . ''i try, but don't get anywhere. `` good . ''i can sense him leaning in toward me, and feel the heat emanating from his body. `` brynn, tonight i'm going to make you beg for it, understand ? ''i feel his warm breath against my cheek and squirm in anticipation against my bondage. `` i'm going to deny you until you can't take it anymore. until you beg me. say that you understand . ''`` i understand . ''he's barely touched me, and i can already feel how wet i am against my new panties. suddenly, i feel his fingertips on my arm, just above where the t-shirt is holding me to the bed. he trails his fingers lightly up my arm, barely touching me. my mouth drops open and i feel my heart rate speed up. his fingers continue across my clavicle, then down my other arm. as they make their way back up, i attempt to arch against him, but i can't.

he stops for a moment, then continues, his touch leaving a burning trail across my body. his fingers run straight down my chest and over the middle of my bra. just as i think he's going to skip my breasts entirely, he moves back up and barely grazes the tops of my breasts, just above the cups. i gasp as he makes contact, but he quickly moves away, running his fingers down to my ribcage, then across my stomach. they dip for a moment into my belly button, and i hope he's going to continue down to my panties, but he skips them entirely, jumping down to the top of my thighs. he traces the length of one of my legs, then moves to the other. as his fingers reach the top of my left leg, he breaks off contact. i feel sweat collect on my palms, despite the coolness of my bedroom. where is he? suddenly i feel his breath on my neck. then his tongue is inside my ear, taking a long, languid lick. i moan, and my hands grip the bedpost more tightly. i hear him click his tongue. `` brynn, we've barely even started . ''

i let my head fall back against the bedpost. how long is he going to torture me? as if in response, his hand slides up my neck to my chin, holding my face in place. his lips press against mine, roughly opening my mouth to his tongue. then he steps into me, his legs spreading mine open, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist. the full contact is sweet relief, even if it does make me want him even more. his right hand glides over my ass and pulls me against his erection. my mouth is wide open to his, and our tongues massage each other 's. his other hand glides up my stomach and slips under my bra cup. i moan as i feel his calloused palm against my nipple. he pulls his mouth away quickly and leans his torso back. his fingers brush against the front of my bra for a moment, and then i feel his deft fingers unhook the front closure of my new bra. i feel my breasts spring out, and his thumbs brush against my nipples as he cups them in his hands.

he begins to massage them more strongly, and suddenly i feel him sucking my right nipple into my mouth. he flicks his tongue across it as he sucks, then moves to my other side. `` i'm ready, '' i moan. `` uh-uh, not yet, '' he replies, pulling my breast out of his mouth for a moment. then he begins to trail kisses down my stomach, pausing for a moment to circle his tongue in my belly button. i feel him graze his fingers across the narrow strips of fabric on the sides of my panties. `` i like these very much, '' he murmurs. `` maybe we'll try to keep these on . ''then he's gone. i hear the sounds of what could be his shirt being pulled over his head, but i can't be sure. there's silence for another minute, and i'm suspended in this pool of pleasure where he's left me, completely under his control. i gasp as i feel him blow a stream of warm breath against my panties and feel my body shake involuntarily.

his hands run up my thighs and then under the sides of my underwear, and i know he must be kneeling in front of me. i feel him slowly dip one finger under the right side of my panties, pulling them away from my body and tucking them to the other side. he blows on me again, and now his breath hits my clit directly. `` spread your legs, '' he commands me quietly. i obey, inching myself out on my high heels. his tongue slides into my slit and i cry out. `` oh, nate, '' i moan, and he begins to flick his tongue back and forth across me. i unravel quickly, and he begins to speed up, circling his tongue rapidly. but just as i'm on the brink, my body arching as much as it can, he slows down again. i whimper. he doesn't stop completely, but he's not going fast enough to bring me release. his right hand slips over my ass, under the fabric of my panties. i gasp as he slips one finger inside me. i've never had anything back there. he circles it inside me, mirroring his actions with his tongue.

once i get over my surprise at the foreign feeling, i find that i like it. on top of everything that he's already done to me, and is still doing, it's driving me right toward the edge again. i moan as he slips two fingers from his other hand inside my opening, making a beckoning motion against my g-spot. i feel a spasm begin to rip through my body, but he pulls his mouth away completely. my knees almost buckle at the empty feeling he's left behind. `` nate ... '' i protest. he leans back in, flicking his tongue once, hard, over my clit. my body ripples in response. the pleasure has built up inside me to such an extent that being unable to let go of it feels painful. i need him to let me come. `` yes ? ''he answers innocently, and tortures me with another hard flick of his tongue, his fingers still circling slowly inside me. `` please ... '' the pleasure is overloading my brain, and i can barely think. `` please what ? ''`` i need you ... please. i need you inside me right now. please, i'm begging you.

i'm begging you, nate . ''i almost faint with relief as he takes his fingers out of me and i hear the sound of a condom being ripped open. he steps into me and grabs one of my legs, wrapping it around his waist as he thrusts into me. i cry out at the contact. he drives in hard, slamming me against the bed post, and on just his second thrust, i feel my orgasm finally releasing through me as he presses into me again and again. his mouth covers mine as the last waves of pleasure crest over me. even though i'm exhausted, i can feel that he's still hard inside me. i feel him reach behind me, and realize that he's unknotting the t-shirt around my hands. my arms drop to my sides, and he pulls out of me. i feel him taking my hips and turning me, then he presses one hand roughly down on my back and i realize he's pressing my top half down onto the mattress. i turn my head to the side so i can breathe as he pulls my panties, still bunched to one side, to my ankles.

his hand still holding me down, i feel him enter me from behind. even though i'm spent from my first orgasm and all the build-up leading to it, i feel my body begin to respond again. i feel him slide his thumb into my ass and gasp. i never realized how many nerves endings were back there. `` brace yourself, '' he warns me, and begins to thrust harder into me. my fingers search for the edge of the bed and i'm just able to grasp it as he drives in deeper than he ever has before. he plunges into me again and again, hitting my g-spot directly every time. a second orgasm takes me by surprise, as though it was lying dormant until he awoke it. my body arches and shakes as i feel him pull out of me and a wetness cover my back. as my body quiets, i hear him hurrying to the bathroom and then him rubbing a tissue on my back. `` i'm sorry, i don't know why i did that, '' he murmurs. `` hm? did what ? ''i mumble, reaching up to remove the makeshift blindfold from my eyes.

`` i ... i came on you, '' he replies, halting his wiping motions to look me in the eye. `` nate ... it's ok. it doesn't bother me, '' i assure him. `` really ? ''he asks, looking relieved. `` i've never done that before, i just ... i just wanted to see it on you, or something. i'm worried ... i worry i push you too far . ''`` i like what we do together, '' i reply, stretching my arms above my head. `` as far as i'm concerned, we're going to do a lot more, so you better get used to it . ''`` is that so ? ''he asks, with a smile. `` yep. now clean me off. if we're going to do this again tomorrow night, i need to get some sleep . ''chapter twenty-four the next day, thornhill and co. is abuzz with the official announcement of mark broadman becoming a new client. there's talk that other high-profile investors could follow suit, including some of broadman's contacts in silicon valley. apparently the tech crowd is quite interested in influencing public policy.

i'm just glad that everyone is in such a good mood, because it helps me fit in. my relationship with nate, not to mention our late night sessions, has me practically glowing. constance talks to me happily in our cubicle, the awkwardness of our first day of working together having finally melted away over the summer months. she swivels in her chair and raises her eyebrows at me as greg walks by, giving me a small wave. `` ok, what happened there ? ''she asks conspiratorially. `` it was nothing, '' i assure her, keeping my eyes on my computer, though i can see out of my periphery that she's still looking at me. `` oh, come on. i won't tell. but it's obvious ... i mean, for a couple weeks you guys were hanging out a bunch, and now he completely avoids you . ''i sigh. `` we went on a couple dates, and then we decided to break it off. but please keep it between us, alright ? ''`` mmhm, '' constance murmurs, swiveling back around. she can sense, rightfully so, that i'm not telling her the whole story.

greg reacted as well as could be hoped when i told him i didn't want to go on any more dates with him. i blamed the office environment, and said i had extra pressure on me to be professional as the boss's stepdaughter, but i think he saw through that excuse. at least he could never guess the real reason. now whenever i see him he's polite but standoffish. i watch the corner of my screen, waiting to see if allison will send me a gchat message, but none arrives. i'll give it a little more time, and then reach out to her. i don't want to throw our whole friendship away over my relationship with nate-not that we don't have some things to talk about. it's not that i need her approval exactly, but i do need her to stop judging. `` lunch, '' constance says, nudging me. i stand up and see other people making their way to the big conference room. pierce has had lunch catered for the whole office to celebrate the new client.

as we walk in, i notice that the temporary wall to the kitchen has been pulled back to make way for everyone. pierce and roderick, his business partner, stand by the buffet, happily talking with their employees. pierce smiles at me as constance and i make our way up to grab some plates. `` roderick, you've met my stepdaughter brynn, right ? ''`` yes, good to see you again, brynn, '' roderick, a well-dressed man a bit younger than pierce says, then turns away to shake someone's hand. pierce leans in. `` you look particularly beautiful today, brynn, '' he remarks. `` oh, thank you, pierce, '' i reply, a bit taken aback. constance and i stand around the conference room for a while talking to the other interns, everyone sharing their plans for once they get back to school, and the rising seniors, like me, discussing what we'll do after we graduate. eventually the crowd begins to thin out, and constance and i each take a cupcake back to our cubicle. `` what's that? vanilla ? ''she asks.

i peer at the frosting. `` i think so, though i heard there were some coconut- '' i break off as my desk phone rings. i look at it in surprise for a second-no one ever calls me on it-then reach forward to pick it up. `` brynn speaking . ''`` brynn, it's pierce. could you come into my office for a moment ? ''`` oh, sure, i'll be right there . ''i hang up and stand. `` pierce, '' i explain to constance. `` probably wants to see if i'll be home for dinner tonight . ''she nods, and i walk down the hallway to his corner office. `` he asked me to- '' i explain to his secretary, gwen. `` sure, go on in, '' she replies, waving me in. i knock softly as i open the door. he beckons me inside and indicates i should take a seat across from his desk. `` brynn, thanks for coming in, '' he says, standing and walking around his desk as he takes his reading glasses off and places them on his desktop calendar. i look at him curiously as he sits on the edge of his desk in front of me.

`` i know that i'm just your stepfather, but i hope that you know that you can always come to me with any ... difficulties . ''`` um, sure. yes, thanks, '' i stumble, surprised by the direction of the conversation. he stands and begins to pace behind my chair. `` you're a very beautiful young woman, and i hope that you can see me as a sort of protector . ''i feel him come up and stand behind the chair. i start as he brushes my hair to the side and i feel his fingers graze against my skin just above the fabric of my dress. `` i couldn't help but notice this, '' he says. `` what ? ''i ask, frowning. `` this bruise, '' he explains, still holding my hair to the side. `` oh . ''my mind races. shit. i bet i got it last night when nate had me up against that bed post, and of course it's not in the sort of position where i'd see it. `` um, it's nothing. it's probably old, maybe from when i fell on that hike . ''`` i doubt it.

i mean, how far does it extend ... '' i'm horrified to feel him unzip the top of my dress, all the way down to my bra strap. he spreads his fingers across my back and a sickening feeling spreads through my body with them. `` brynn, you have such a beautiful body. you shouldn't be with someone who treats you with less respect than you deserve . ''his fingertips just touch the top of my bra strap. `` pierce ! ''i exclaim, and jump up. `` i really don't think this is appropriate, '' i admonish him with as much confidence as i can muster, while reaching behind myself to pull my zipper up. `` brynn, i'm just trying to look out for you. you clearly need a father figure in your life . ''`` i'm just fine, thank you very much, '' i reply shortly, glaring at him as i manage to zip my dress. i march to the door, taking a deep breath to compose myself as i walk through the door. i walk right past my desk and into the bathroom, quickly locking myself inside a stall.

i lower the toilet seat and sit down, pressing my hands onto my burning cheeks. i know pierce's words were saying one thing, but his actions, his touch, were saying quite another. it just felt wrong. by the time i sit back down at my desk, i'm already second-guessing myself. maybe i misread his behavior ; maybe he was just trying to look out for me, but he's never had a daughter, so he didn't realize he was making me uncomfortable. `` you ok ? ''constance asks over her shoulder. `` i'm fine, '' i reply, pushing my uneaten cupcake away. i'm not hungry anymore. i manage to make it through the rest of the work day, though i know that i'll just have to see pierce at home for dinner. as i drive home, i wonder if i should say i'm sick or something so i'll be able to just be by myself in my room. but as i walk in through the garage, my mom calls me into the kitchen. i carefully spread my hair over my neck to hide the bruises, then walk in. `` oh, brynn, honey, i'm so glad you're home.

come look, '' she gushes, pulling me into the dining room. i see that she's set it with fine china and crystal, and a massive vase of white lilies sits in the center. `` i thought i'd do something a little special tonight to celebrate. what do you think ? ''`` looks great, mom, '' i reply half-heartedly. if she notices my downtrodden mood, she doesn't mention it, she just sweeps me back into the kitchen to show me the extravagant meal she's spent the day preparing. when pierce comes home about half an hour later, he quickly enters his study, calling to us that he has to make a quick call. my mom asks me to carry the roasted duck out on a silver tray, and i acquiesce, knowing i'd feel too guilty to fake sick when she's spent so much time on the food. when i walk back into the kitchen, pierce is murmuring into my mom's ear as she blushes, so i quickly back out again. i hear nate enter through the front door, and he walks into the dining room just as i'm leaning on the back of my chair.

`` hey, '' he says with a smile. `` i was thinking about you- '' he breaks off as my mom and pierce walk in. pierce brandishes a bottle of champagne and walks around filling up our crystal flutes. i step back to give him a wide berth, and then we all sit down as he finishes filling up his own glass. `` cheers, '' he says. i avoid his eye contact as we all clink our glasses. nate frowns at me slightly and i know he can tell there's something up. oh god, i can't even think about talking to him later tonight. he can always tell when i'm lying, so i don't know what i'm going to say. `` brynn, did you messenger those envelopes like i asked ? ''pierce says, turning to me. `` hm ? ''i ask, startled by his question. `` the envelopes. i wanted to double check because you've seemed so distracted lately, and they're quite important . ''i frown at him. what the hell? `` you didn't ask me to messenger anything today, pierce . ''`` brynn, '' he sighs in a patronizing way, setting down his champagne glass.

`` you didn't ! ''i reply, a little more defensively than i mean to. i glance at nate and see him raising his eyebrows at me. `` you know that i did. and it's not like this is the first time this has happened, '' pierce counters. `` maybe we should- '' my mom breaks in. `` wait, no, '' i say to her, holding up my hand. `` i honestly don't know what you're talking about pierce . ''`` well, this clearly isn't the time to discuss it, but since you're pressing me, i've heard from some of your immediate superiors that you haven't been very responsible . ''`` what? like who? when ? ''`` obviously i can't give you exact dates, and i need to protect their anonymity- '' `` wow. wow, '' i snap, tossing down my napkin. `` you are just making all this up, aren't you ? ''`` brynn, calm down, '' nate murmurs from across the table. `` calm down? seriously? he's lying ! ''`` he has no reason to- '' nate argues. `` he damn well does.

he called me into his office today and unzipped my dress, and i told him to back off, and now he's pissed . ''`` you know that's because i was worried about those bruises on your neck, brynn. don't get hysterical . ''`` you're a liar, '' i whisper. he slams his hand down on the table, causing me to jump. `` i will not be spoken to that way in my own house ! ''i glance back and forth at my mom and nate, speechless. are they really just going to sit there staring at me? i stand up so abruptly that my chair almost falls over backward. i can't take being surrounded by this bullshit anymore. i walk quickly around the table and then out the front door, clenching my fists to try to contain my anger until i'm outside. as i close the door behind me, i pick up my pace, walking straight down the driveway and out of the gates. the woods rise up quiet and dark around me as tears of frustration and humiliation begin to stream down my face. i don't know where i'm going-i just need to get away from that house.

`` hey! wait ! ''i hear a woman's voice call out behind me, but i keep walking. `` you're brynn, right ? ''i freeze and take a deep breath before turning around. `` look, if you're a reporter or something, i'm really not in the mood . ''i can just see her blonde hair reflect the moonlight as she takes a couple steps closer. `` i'm not a reporter. i'm nate's mom, eileen . ''chapter twenty-five `` are ... are you alright ? ''she asks, taking another step toward me. `` i 'm, i'm just- '' i break off as a sob escapes my lips. `` i'm sorry . ''`` it's alright. i've got some tissues in my car-why don't you come sit down for a moment . ''i nod. in a saner moment, i might have questioned the safety of getting into a strange woman's car, but this is not a sane moment. she wraps her arm around my shoulders and leads me to the passenger side of her blue sedan, parked just down the street from the gates of the house. she sits me down then hurries around to the driver's side and gets in.

`` here you go, '' she says, pulling a box of tissues from the floor of the back seat. `` thanks, '' i murmur rather incoherently. she flips on the car's overhead light. `` oh ! ''i exclaim. `` you're the woman from the boathouse parking lot . ''she smiles wryly. `` i thought you saw me that day. i'm not a stalker or anything. it's just, sometimes i like to get a glimpse of him, that's all. see what he looks like, how he's doing . ''`` i understand . ''`` but what's happened to you? is there anything i can do ? ''`` it's pierce, '' i murmur as more tears fall from my eyes at the mention of his name. `` what'd he do now ? ''`` he ... he made a pass at me at work. i mean, i actually wasn't sure that's what it was right after, but then tonight he got on my case about something i didn't even do, and that's when i knew for sure . ''`` oh, sweetie, i'm sorry, '' she says, rubbing my shoulder. `` pierce has a serious case of entitlement.

he thinks that anything with a vagina is fair game, even his stepdaughter, it seems . ''`` i mean, i already knew he was an asshole from the way he treats nate, but i just hadn't felt it directed at me yet . ''she stills. `` he doesn't treat nate well ? ''she asks quietly. `` oh, oh, i'm sorry, '' i reply, looking at her through bleary eyes. `` he's ... he's very hard on nate. he calls him entitled, selfish, when i think those are really things he knows deep down are true about himself . ''`` my little nate, '' she murmurs to herself. `` but he's really ... nate is a good person, you should know that. well, to be honest, at first i thought he was more like pierce, but that's just a cover. maybe it's that half his genes are yours, or maybe his father raised him to be a better person than he is himself, i don't know. but he's smart, funny, hardworking ... '' `` thank you, '' she says, taking my hand. `` i'm sorry you have to go through this. did you tell your mom ? ''

`` she found out at dinner, but ... '' i shake my head. `` she's completely under pierce's spell. she gets like that about men, but i've never seen her quite so enamored of one before him. she looks a lot like you, actually, '' i realize, studying her beautiful, slightly lined face. `` pierce certainly has a type, '' she says with a sad smile. `` there's another thing you should know ... about nate ... i found out after you called : he thinks you left because he was too much for you, because he was a bad kid, basically. i tried to talk to him about it, really, but he wouldn't hear it . ''`` nate was a wonderful child, and even if he'd been the devil incarnate, i still wouldn't have left him . ''`` yeah, i figured as much. he said that the night before you left, you and pierce had a big fight over him, because he misbehaved, and that's why you left the next day . ''`` oh, god, '' she murmurs, covering her face in her hands. `` he must have felt so alone, so responsible.

no ... i remember that fight, because it was our last. we'd been to some big gala that night, and we'd seen this woman there who was in our circle at the time. i knew he'd cheated before, but he promised me he'd stopped, and then at this party, i could just tell by the way they looked at each other that they were sleeping together. i confronted him about it at home, and he barely even bothered to deny it. i was yelling at him, asking what kind of example he was setting for his son. i left ... i never thought that would be one of the last times i'd see nate. i never thought that was even a possibility . ''`` i want to help you, '' i say suddenly. `` what? no. you have too much going on already, '' eileen says, shaking her head emphatically. `` no, i want to. not just for you, either. for nate. he needs you in his life. i can tell that you're good, and kind, and he needs people like that to love him. please let me help you . ''

`` i don't want to put you in a position ... i don't want to jeopardize anything. you and nate, you have a special relationship . ''`` um, sure, yeah, he's a great guy, '' i hedge. `` brynn ... it's ok. i know . ''i swallow. `` know what ? ''`` when i saw you that day at the boathouse, i could just tell. at first i thought you were his girlfriend, and then i realized who you were, and i saw the way you two looked at each other. you're in love, '' she whispers. i begin to tug at my hair nervously. shit. shit. `` you've acted on your feelings ? ''it's all i can do to nod. `` do your parents know ? ''i shake my head. `` brynn, you don't have to be embarrassed. life's messy. people find love wherever they can. hell, it's not like you're breaking any laws . ''my tears begin to slip down my face again, renewed. `` i can't believe it's so obvious . ''`` maybe i just caught you two in an unguarded moment. but, see, if nate and you are together, i don't want to come between you . ''

`` honestly, i'd like him to meet you. i think it might do him some good. when pierce was chewing me out tonight, he didn't say anything . ''`` i'm sorry . ''`` so you'll meet with him ? ''`` if you're sure it's ok with you . ''`` i'm not sure how i'll set it up yet, but write down your number for me, and i'll get in touch with you when i know . ''she nods and tears a slip of paper from a paperback book in the back seat. as she hands it to me and i get out of the car, she leans over into the passenger seat. `` brynn, if i could just give you a little advice ... i would avoid pierce for the next few days. he doesn't like it when people stand up to him . ''i nod and shut the door, walking slowly back to the house as i run my fingers over her phone number. i peer cautiously through the first floor windows, not wanting to walk back in on dinner, but it looks like they've finished and the plates have all been cleared.

i quietly open the front door and tiptoe up the stairs to my bedroom, locking my door behind me. i put eileen's phone number on my bureau and am just about to change out of my dress when i hear a soft knock on the door. usually nate just comes in now, so he clearly knows that i'm upset with him. i walk over and unlock it, then open it a few inches. `` you locked it ? ''he asks, looking hurt. `` i want to be alone right now, '' i murmur, though a knot forms in my throat at the thought of spending the first night in a week without him. `` i ... i can't choose between you, '' he whispers. he looks so forlorn, and i see a glimpse of the little boy that he once was, overhearing his parents ' arguments. `` i know . ''`` they're going to some charity lunch tomorrow afternoon ... maybe we could spend some time together . ''`` ok, '' i nod, my mind already moving in a different direction. he pauses, unsure if he should kiss me. `` alright, goodnight, '' he says, and walks down the hallway to his bedroom.

i close and lock the door after him, then grab my cell phone and put in eileen's number. tomorrow afternoon, i text her. i'll let you know when my parents are gone, and then you come meet nate. chapter twenty-six i yawn as i sit by my window, waiting for the sounds of my mom and pierce leaving. i wasn't able to sleep well at all last night. there were too many worries rattling around in my brain. mainly, though, it felt strange not to see nate. i missed his presence in my bed with a physical ache that gnawed away at me. finally i hear some movement in the rest of the house. i walk to my door and crack it open, sticking my head out into the hall. i can just hear my mom murmuring something to pierce as they make their way to the garage. soon i hear the car pulling out of the driveway and i glance at the clock. i'll give them ten minutes. i wait impatiently, and as soon as it's up, i text eileen and head down to the foyer. luckily nate has been safely ensconced in his room all morning.

i don't know if he even got up to train this morning, which is highly unusual for him. i glance out the window next to the door and see eileen walking up the driveway. `` hi, '' i murmur quietly as she reaches the steps and i open the door. `` hi, '' she replies nervously, smoothing her blouse. `` do i look alright ? ''`` you look fine, '' i assure her. i can't imagine how she must feel, finally seeing her son face-to-face after all these years. she looks around the foyer. `` god, this place is even bigger than it looks from outside . ''`` i know. it's ridiculous, '' i agree, and usher her into the den. `` pierce and my mom are at some charity lunch, so they'll be gone for a while, '' i tell her. she bites her lip nervously and takes a seat on the couch. `` i'll call nate down, alright? i haven't told him anything ... i wasn't sure he would come otherwise . ''she nods, and i head to the stairs. `` hey, nate ? ''i yell, and hear his bedroom door open. `` you wan na come down to the den ? ''

i feel a fissure of guilt as he replies happily, `` sure! be right there, '' and i hear him moving around. i don't like the idea of setting a trap and lying to him, but i rationalize that it's in the service of a greater truth, that of the true nature of his parents ' relationship, and his father's character. i walk back into the den, and stand nervously next to the couch where eileen's sitting. she stands as we hear nate walking down the stairs, and then he turns the corner and sees us. his face is a blank as he surveys the scene before him. he takes a step forward, looks like he's going to say something, and then steps back. `` nate, it's me, your mom, '' eileen whispers. `` i know who you are, '' nate replies quietly. he turns to me. `` you did this ? ''`` i think you should hear what she has to say. please, will you just sit for a minute ? ''nate's face twists into a sneer-an expression i haven't seen in weeks.

`` you're unbelievable, '' he spits at me, and storms out the front door, slamming it behind him. eileen sits down with a muted cry, and i run after him. `` nate ! ''i call as i shut the door behind me and head down the front steps. he's walking around the side of the house, probably headed for the garage and his car to make an escape. `` would you just listen to me for a second ? ''`` why? so you can try to poison my mind against my dad some more ? ''he yells, reeling around. `` i'm trying to tell you the truth about him! eileen can tell you- '' `` oh, so this is all about you! you can try to paint it as some benevolent way of getting a mother and son to reunite, but really, this is all about getting me to believe your story, '' he turns again and begins to walk away across the grass. `` no! that's not true ! ''i protest, pursuing him. `` your mom is a good person-i wanted to help her, and you . ''`` you're pathetic, you know that ? ''he says, spinning around again. `` stop following me.

whatever mistakes we made together this summer, it's over . ''`` what? nate, i- '' i feel like he just punched me in the gut. how did this all go so wrong? `` i thought maybe you were different than all the other girls i've fucked, but you're not, ok? from now on, let's just smile at each other politely from across the room at family events, like normal stepsiblings do . ''`` no, no! we are different, we are . ''`` you're just attached because i was your first. don't worry about it, you'll get over it soon. you were nothing special to me, brynn, '' he says and walks through the garage's side door. i stand in shock as i watch the garage door slide open and his wrangler come speeding out. i watch him head down the driveway, then disappear around the corner. i hear the front door open behind me, and eileen approach me. `` i'm so sorry, brynn, this is all my fault . ''`` no, it's not, '' i reply, biting my lip to keep from sobbing. she puts her arm around me. `` he's just angry.

he'll come to his senses . ''`` no, he's just as stubborn as i am. it's really over . ''i collapse against her, burying my head on her shoulder as i begin to cry. `` first love always hits the hardest, '' she murmurs as she rubs my arm. `` come on-your parents won't be back for a while. i'll make you some tea . ''after eileen leaves and i've hidden away in my room, i can't help but marvel at her kindness. it's been a long time since my own mother has taken care of me and comforted me the way she did, even though the afternoon might have gone even worse for her than it did for me. she told me that she's learned not to get her hopes up for a reunion over the years, though it does still hurt. i keep picturing the anger on nate's face as he ended our romantic relationship. i could tell he really meant the things he was saying. my body aches at the thought that i won't get to touch him again, and feel him against me. already i feel like it's been ages since i've seen him.

i hear my mom and pierce come home in the late afternoon, and i glance at my locked door. i don't want to see them now, or anytime soon, for that matter. i think of how nate begins to resemble his father when he gets angry, but his mother in his kindness. even though she was only in his life until he was eight or nine, she must have had some influence on him in those early years, in addition to whatever good traits she passed down to him genetically. i suppose i wanted to tip the scales in her direction, to make sure that nate keeps listening to the side of himself that his mother has passed on to him. but clearly, i don't have the power to make such a thing happen. mistake. he referred to what happened between us as a mistake. my body curls around myself as though i've just been punched in the gut. i can feel the pain reverberating in my bones. i thought maybe you were different than all the other girls i've fucked, but you're not. you're nothing special to me, brynn.

his words keep echoing around in my head, and i can't make them go away. i don't know if i've ever felt so completely hollow before. eventually, i fall asleep, my body finally giving in to the exhaustion i feel. when i wake up, it's almost ten at night. my mom didn't even try to wake me for dinner, i realize. i feel a surge of anger against her. mothers are supposed to protect their children, but of course she's taking pierce's side. she thinks he's some kind of savior, rescuing her and her abandoned daughter from some lonely life. i want to scream. i want her to be stronger, to be there for me like i've been there for her countless times. but i know my anger is useless ; i've long ago realized that i can't change her, can't expect her to be any different from the way that she is. my stomach grumbles, reminding me that i've skipped a meal or two today. i don't even feel like eating, but i know that i'll never be able to get to sleep again tonight without a little something in my stomach.

i sigh and get out of bed and head over to my bureau, pulling a sweatshirt on over my t-shirt. i cautiously open my door and listen. i think i can just hear the sounds of the tv from my mom and pierce's room. should be safe, then. i tiptoe down the hallway, pausing at the open door to nate's dark room. still out, i guess. probably drinking somewhere. how long can this situation last? i wonder as i walk quietly down the stairs. i feel like we're all tightly-wound strings, and one of us is bound to break sometime. i know i for one can't keep creeping around the house like this, avoiding everyone. in the kitchen, i fix myself a grilled cheese sandwich, feeling the need for some comfort food. i'm just turning off the stove top when i hear the door to pierce's study open. i hurry to grab the spatula and slide the sandwich onto my plate before he comes in, but i'm too late. `` brynn, '' he says from the doorway. `` we missed you at dinner . ''ugh, that asshole, acting like nothing happened.

`` just fixing something now, '' i answer shortly. as i put the spatula and pan into the sink, i see over my shoulder that he's walking toward me. he plants himself between the island and the fridge, trapping me by the counter. `` your mother is very upset, '' he tells me, his eyebrow bending into a concerned frown. `` is she ? ''i ask through gritted teeth. if he expects me to apologize, as though her mood is my fault, then he's mistaken. `` brynn, i think you've gotten the wrong idea about me, '' he murmurs, taking another step toward me. i reluctantly turn to face him. `` you have no idea how hard it is for a man, to have a beautiful woman like you in the house . ''`` i'm your stepdaughter, pierce, '' i practically growl as my heartbeat jumps in my chest. `` you've really blossomed this summer, brynn. you've become a woman, '' he says, stepping into me. i can feel his warm breath on my face. `` i want you to get away from me, '' i whisper, my throat tightening.

`` just for a moment ... i need to feel ... '' he moans pitifully, sliding his hand onto my hip and then over my ass. my anger ignites at his touch, blasting away my fear. i get my arms up between us and shove him away. `` get off me, you fucking asshole ! ''i scream. he looks at me in shock. `` you think you're some gentleman with your fancy suits and your mansion, but inside you're just some sick pervert, taking advantage of anyone you can. i see who you really are, even if no one else does . ''his face twists with anger, and i feel my cheek light up with pain before my brain can process that he's slapped me. i bring my hand up to my burning face, my head still pulled to the side, just as pierce disappears in a blur. i straighten up with a gasp as i realize nate has just tackled him to the floor, and they are now grappling fiercely on the kitchen tiles. `` don't you fucking touch her ! ''he yells at his father, whose face is turning red in an effort to defend himself against his much stronger son.

i hear footsteps from the stairwell and see my mom running down the hallway and manage to unfreeze myself. `` nate! nate, stop ! ''i yell, as he manages to find the top position. my mom screams as nate punches pierce hard across his jaw. i throw myself on nate's back as he cocks his arm back in preparation for another punch. `` nate, i'm ok, i'm ok, '' i repeat in his ear. i feel him relax a little and begin to pull him up. he drops his arm and stands up with me. pierce pushes him away as he stands up, too, and they face off, each breathing heavily, pierce with a trail of blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. `` what's going on ? ''my mom finally whispers, her voice full of fear. `` i saw everything, '' nate growls, addressing his father. `` you hypocrite . ''to my shock, pierce begins to laugh. `` i knew it, i knew it! look at you two ! ''he says, pointing at us. `` what's he talking about ? ''my mom asks, glancing at me. `` they're fucking ! ''pierce bursts out. `` no ... what ? ''

my mom murmurs. `` oh, christ, holly, are you really that fucking stupid? you didn't even suspect ? ''my mom shakes her head. `` that's why you're fighting ? ''`` no, '' nate says, turning to her. `` i saw him trying to feel up brynn, and then she told him to stop, and he slapped her . ''a look of horror spreads across my mom's face. she looks at me, then at pierce. `` is this true? is it true ? ''pierce doesn't even bother responding to her accusations, just turns his palms upward and shrugs. a wailing cry escapes my mom's lips. for a second i think she's going to collapse, but then she throws herself at pierce, her limbs a blur as she attacks him. `` i trusted you! i trusted you ! ''she screams. pierce puts his arms up to defend himself as nate steps forward and wraps his arms around her, hemming her in and then pulling her away. `` my own daughter! my own daughter, you son of a bitch ! ''with a strangled cry, she turns her head and begins to sob against nate's chest.

pierce surveys the three of us, aligned against him on the other side of the kitchen. `` nothing ? ''nate whispers, as he rubs my mom's shoulder. `` you have nothing to say for yourself ? ''`` come on, nate. you're really going to believe them ? ''pierce says, a sneer of contempt on his face. `` i don't have to-i saw you with my own eyes. but i should have believed brynn in the first place, '' nate says quietly, though i can hear the strength in his voice. pierce can only manage a snort of derision before he walks toward the hallway. `` my mother, '' nate says, and pierce stops, his back still toward his son. `` you made everything up, didn't you ? ''pierce stands frozen for a moment, his head slightly cocked to the side. i can't see his face, and can't imagine what could be going on inside his mind. his carefully crafted history, now falling apart around him. he shakes his head slightly, as if waving away an unpleasant smell, then continues to walk down the hallway.

he heads straight to the front door, and shuts it behind him. as we hear the sound of his car heading down the driveway, my mom straightens up, and nate's arms fall to his sides. `` i need to be alone for a little while, '' she murmurs, her gaze on the floor, and walks unsteadily toward the stairs. i watch her leave, wishing she had the strength to comfort me for even a moment. `` she's just in shock, '' nate says, reading my mind like always. `` i know, '' i reply with a nod, struggling to keep myself together. `` i should have believed you . ''`` i had no reason to lie . ''`` i know. i just couldn't believe he was capable of that kind of thing, or maybe i didn't want to believe . ''`` you said some awful things to me today. god, was that just today ? ''i ask with a sad laugh, reaching up to rub my forehead. `` i'm so sorry, brynn. i was angry ... sometimes my temper ... i didn't mean any of those things. the time we've spent together- '' he says, taking a step toward me. `` no, no.

i'm not ready for that. i don't know if we can go back ... '' i murmur, a tear slipping down my face. `` brynn, please, i can't lose you . ''`` you were so ready to turn on me, '' i whisper. `` so ready to push me away and be done with me . ''`` i was in shock at seeing her again. i didn't actually mean it . ''`` but you said it, didn't you? the way i care about you ... i would never treat you that way, would never want you to hurt. but you wanted me to hurt. you don't feel the way about me that i feel about you. you can't . ''`` that's not true! you have no idea how much i care about- '' `` i love you . ''there's a long silence. i stare up into his beautiful face, my heart shattering as he doesn't reply. he just looks back down at me, some unknowable emotion flickering across his eyes. `` well, there you go. there you go. goodbye, nate, '' i say, turning my back to him. he doesn't move. `` what are you going to do ? ''he finally asks quietly. `` um, well, '' i begin with a cold laugh.

`` i think i'm going to eat this cold grilled cheese sandwich, and then i'm going to start packing . ''chapter twenty-seven i survey my mom's old beat-up station wagon. both the car and our old house were just on the verge of being sold, but my mom was able to back out. luckily she was taking her time in the process because she didn't think she had to worry about money anymore. the car isn't even full-the only things that belonged to us here were our clothes and some knick-knacks. it only took me a few hours this morning to pack it up. it's both sad and comforting. our old life is still waiting for us, almost as though this whole summer never happened. but of course it did. i wondered last night if i would take these last few months back if i could. if i were given a magic wand that could make it so that my mom had never met pierce, that i'd returned to our old house for the summer, that my relationship with nate had never gone beyond that encounter in the crew house, would i wave it?

i don't know if i've ever felt so much pain as i have recently, but also never so much happiness. i was held in such a tight little shell before, never really experiencing the depths or heights of anything, and i suppose you can't have one without the other. to never have held nate in my arms ... no, i can't imagine it. despite so many terrible things having happened, i would never want to erase the time i spent with him, even if it would take away the pain i'm feeling right now. the pain that i can feel even in my bones, causing a throbbing ache throughout my whole body. it's like i'm detoxing from some powerful, addictive substance. one that i know only hurts me in the end. i catch a glimpse of my slightly swollen lip in the car window from where pierce hit me last night. we haven't seen him today-he must be holed up at a friend's house or a hotel. i don't even want to think of the divorce proceedings that my mom will be wrapped up in now.

i hear the front door shut behind me and turn-will it be nate coming to say goodbye? but it's my mom, carrying one last small suitcase, her eyes covered in large, round sunglasses. `` ready ? ''she asks, without looking at me. i nod, then remember one last thing i've forgotten. `` i'll be right back, '' i say, and hurry in through the front door without explanation. i walk straight up the staircase and down the hall into my bedroom. it looks exactly the same as the first time i saw it. i pause for a moment, taking in the beauty of the furnishings for the last time, before walking over to my desk and opening the top drawer. i reach my arm all the way to the back and fish out the small slip of paper i stashed there. i walk out and down the hallway. nate's bedroom door is slightly open and i can tell from the silence that he's not inside. i push it open all the way and walk to his bed. i run my hand over his bedspread and breathe in his smell.

i pull down the comforter and lay the piece of paper on top of his pillow, then pull the comforter back up over it. i certainly don't want pierce to find the scrap of paper where eileen wrote her phone number. i'm about to leave when something makes me cross over to his window overlooking the river. my eye catches on a flash of white on the lower lawn : nate sitting on the top step of the stairs leading down to the rocky shore. he sits completely still, his white t-shirt stretched across his broad back. i resist the urge to wonder what he'll do now-it's really none of my business anymore. i hurry back down to the car and see my mom sitting in the passenger seat. i open the driver's door and see that she's placed the keys on the seat. i get in without a word and turn the car on then pull away from the house. i glance in the rearview mirror to get one last glimpse at it as i turn the corner out of the gate.

my mom is silent on our drive back to our old house, just staring out the window as we get on the highway that takes us further away from the city, back to our much less expensive neighborhood. a seed of resentment that's been building inside of me all summer, or perhaps longer, finally takes root as i glance sidelong at her impassive face. `` you haven't even looked at me all day, '' i finally say, gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled hands. `` what do you mean ? ''she asks faintly, still not turning to me. `` you haven't looked at my face, '' i repeat. `` brynn ... '' she sighs. `` no, it's true. your husband slapped me last night and you never even came to check on me. and now you won't look at the bruise . ''`` brynn, i've been very upset . ''`` and i haven't? he feels me up, hits me, and you haven't asked me if i'm ok. '' `` it's not my fault that he did those things ! ''she shouts, suddenly hysterical. `` mom, i'm not blaming you for his actions, alright? but you're my mother.

you should have believed me-you should have taken care of me. i've been taking care of you for years, and this time, i needed you . ''my mom sobs once, reaching up to cover her mouth with her hand. `` i wanted to believe you, brynn, i really did, '' she finally gasps. `` i just knew that if i did, everything would fall apart, and it all seemed so perfect . ''`` but it wasn't . ''`` no, it wasn't . ''i feel her hand reach up tentatively to touch my face, and her fingers graze over the small cut in the corner of my mouth. `` oh, i'm so sorry, my darling. does it hurt much ? ''`` hardly at all, '' i reply, swallowing the tears that have sprung up at her touch. `` i never guessed ... about you and nate, i mean, '' she whispers. `` that's over, too, '' i reply shortly as my emotions threaten to overwhelm me. `` ah, '' is all she says. `` well, i know that might not be the kind of thing you ever want to talk about with your mother, but i'm here. you cared about him a lot ? ''

`` yes, '' i answer, my voice raspy with held emotion. `` so i guess you have to get a lawyer ? ''i ask, changing the subject. `` oh, god. i suppose so, '' she replies. `` i think i'll be able to get my old job at the salon back, at least. i talked to anita and she said the new girl they got is terrible . ''`` did you sign a pre-nup ? ''i ask, thinking of eileen. i know i'll have to fill my mom in on what i know about her soon, but it would just be too much for me right now. `` yes, '' she sighs. `` iron-clad . ''chapter twenty-eight i close the door behind me and dump my newly-purchased textbooks on my thin mattress, then straighten up to survey my lawn room. it's not much to look at, with its sparse furnishings and lack of bathroom access, though it does have a framed list of every inhabitant that's lived here, going back to uva's very first class.

for the last month, i've just been sitting around our old house, doing my best to help my mom with getting her old job back and hiring a lawyer, but there really wasn't much for me to do. i felt both relief and fear when it was finally time to drive back down to charlottesville. relief because i'll have schoolwork to occupy my mind, and fear because i might run into nate on campus. foolishly, i had hoped that he would try to get in touch with me after my mom and i moved out, but he didn't. it really was stupid of me. i told him that i loved him, and he didn't say it back. simple as that. even though he was angry, there must have been some truth to his words when he told me i wasn't special to him. i glance at the clock. just after four-almost time for my dinner shift in the cafeteria to be starting. i change into my work clothes and head over. at least i know i won't run into nate there-the athletes all have a separate dining hall serving far tastier and more nutritious food.

i open my door to the lawn, smiling halfheartedly at another female student a few doors down as she exits her room at the same time. i walk quickly, keeping my head down, not really wanting to interact with anyone i know. i enter the dining hall and cross around to the side door, back into the kitchen. `` oh, brynn ! ''roberta, my manager, waves to me from a table by the front, where she's doing some paperwork. i wave back and head over. `` there's been some issue with your work-study, '' she tells me quietly as i reach her. `` an issue ? ''i ask frowning. `` do you know what it is ? ''`` something related to your scholarship-that's all the dean's office told me when they called . ''i rub my forehead in frustration. this is the last thing i need. `` if you head over to monroe hall now, you might be able to talk to someone who knows more than i do . ''i nod. `` sorry, '' she adds, before continuing with her work.

i hurry out of the dining hall and follow roberta's advice to see if i can get some more answers, though i fear i already know what happened. my mom has been so frazzled lately, i bet she forgot to make a payment on the portion of the tuition that we still owe. i explain the situation to a secretary at monroe, who points me toward the office in charge of the work-study program. a man in his early thirties stands to greet me as i walk through the open door of his office. `` francis delton, '' he introduces himself, shaking my hand. `` how can i help you ? ''`` well, i was told there's some issue with my work-study program, or with my scholarship, or something, '' i reply, reaching to tug at my hair before realizing it's pulled up in a ponytail. `` ok, your name ? ''he asks, sitting down and motioning me into the chair across from him. `` brynn atwell, '' i respond, spelling it out for him. he types my name into his computer and then clicks around for a moment.

`` ah, this is quite unusual, '' he says, raising his eyebrows at his screen. `` ok ... '' i reply nervously. `` you can no longer participate in the work-study program, because your tuition has been paid in full . ''i stare at him. `` you mean, for this semester ? ''`` no, i mean all of your tuition . ''i shake my head, unable to believe him. `` for this year? or ... i mean, not all all ? ''he smiles. `` all all . ''`` but that's ... that's impossible. how? who ? ''i stammer. `` i have no idea. i can only see that you're ineligible for the program . ''`` ok, ok, '' i reply, trying to gather my thoughts. `` thank you. thank you so much . ''i wander out of his office and out onto the quad. with pierce and my mom getting divorced, i knew i'd have college tuition loans to deal with again, and i took it in stride. i was used to the idea, anyway. what the hell's going on? i reach into my back pocket and dial my mom. i have no idea if she'll know either, but i can at least tell her the good news.

`` oh, brynn! brynn, i was just going to call you ! ''she says as she picks up. `` let me guess, is it about my tuition ? ''i ask, hearing excitement in her voice. `` yes! how did you know ? ''`` well, i showed up for my shift at the dining hall, and was told that my tuition's been taken care of. what's going on ? ''`` i was literally just picking up the phone to tell you ... it all happened so quickly this afternoon. pierce's lawyer offered me a settlement in the divorce! and it specifically included payment of your tuition . ''`` pierce paid my tuition ? ''i ask, my mind reeling. `` yes! as soon as i signed, the money was wired over . ''`` but ... but mom, was it a good settlement? i mean, did you have a lawyer look it over ? ''`` yeah, it was the same lawyer who told me i'd get nothing because of the pre-nup i signed. he was completely floored, and told me i'd better sign before pierce changes his mind . ''`` but ... why? i mean, it seems so out of character for him . ''`` i know!

i can hardly believe it either. it's crazy! i'll be able to pay off the mortgage on the house and have a little left over. i mean, we're not rich or anything, but we have a bit of leeway now . ''`` was it, you know, 'hush money, ' do you think ? ''`` i doubt it. the lawyer said that there's no less reliable witness than a woman trying to defame her ex-husband, so i don't really think pierce would be worried about me going to the press with stories or anything-not that i'd want to do that anyway. but honey, it's done now. it's really over. we don't have to worry about him anymore . ''`` well, i'm glad that you're happy with it. if you're happy i'm happy. man, this is the first good news we've gotten in a while, huh ? ''i touch my lips with my fingertips, wondering when the last time i smiled was. `` have you seen him yet ? ''my mom asks quietly. she doesn't need to specify that she's referring to nate. `` not yet, '' i reply.

`` though i've convinced myself that every brown-haired guy i've seen from the back is him . ''`` that's normal, '' my mom assures me. `` you'll see him everywhere for a while. but it will pass soon, my darling. i promise . ''chapter twenty-nine realizing i now have the evening off, i take a deep breath and call allison. i'm still in a daze, but i want to share my good fortune with her and miriam. allison and i haven't talked since our argument over the summer, so i'm relieved when she accepts my invitation on behalf of both of them. i pick a rather fancy restaurant, and assure her that it's my treat. half an hour later, i'm walking out of my room in a light summer dress-the weather here in virginia is still sweltering, even though it's september. i walk slowly across the quad to the off-campus restaurant, trying not to work up a sweat. i watch a group of freshmen girls giggling as they head out for a group dinner. new hall mates, no doubt.

i remember how nervous i was my first year here, worrying that i wouldn't make any more friends than i did in high school. my insides contract as i pass the spot where i first saw nate crossing the grass, just a couple weeks into my freshman year. i shake my head at myself. i have to forget him. when i reach the restaurant, an upscale mexican place known for its flavored margaritas, i'm relieved to feel the ac hit me. the hostess smiles at me just as i see allison sitting in a booth by herself. she stands with a nervous smile and i walk over. `` i hope you don't mind, '' she murmurs as we hug awkwardly. `` i sort of lied to miriam and told her you pushed back dinner by fifteen minutes so we'd have a chance to talk . ''a short bark of laughter escapes my mouth. `` i don't know if i've ever heard you lie before . ''to my surprise, she blushes as we sit down across from each other.

`` well, i've been thinking about what you said ... about my being judgmental ... and maybe i am a bit of, you know, a goody two-shoes. maybe i need to loosen up a little. what i'm trying to say is, i'm sorry for what i said . ''i reach over and place my hand over hers. `` thanks. it means a lot to hear you say that. i've hated not talking to you . ''`` me too, '' she replies. i see her glance over my shoulder. `` and here i thought i was early ! ''i hear miriam say. i stand up to give her a hug. `` i see you two have synced your watches, being in the same city together all summer! ugh, i was so jealous ! ''she sits down with a dramatic sigh in the booth next to allison, her bright red hair falling onto her shoulder. `` so. catch me up on everything that's been happening . ''to my horror, i begin to tear up. `` oh, god, sorry, '' i murmur, reaching for a napkin. `` what's wrong ? ''allison gasps. the waiter walks over and is about to ask for our drink orders but they wave him away.

`` it's ... it's ... '' i grab a napkin to hide my face and try to take deep breaths. `` is it a boy ? ''miriam guesses. i nod. `` nate . ''`` wait, wait ... not your stepbrother ? ''she asks incredulously. allison glances at me and i nod at her. she turns to miriam. `` they started, you know, seeing each other over the summer ... but i guess something happened, '' she fills miriam in. `` long story short, '' i say, catching my breath. `` pierce is a jerk, our parents got divorced, and we broke up . ''`` wow, '' miriam breathes, her eyes wide. `` you had quite the summer . ''`` tell me about it, '' i say with a wry smile. `` i could really use a drink . ''allison flags down the waiter, and by the time our first round has arrived, my tears have stopped. `` so, can i tell you guys my own secret ? ''miriam asks, leaning over the table conspiratorially. allison and i nod. `` i had sex ! ''`` oh, god, now i'm the only virgin, '' allison moans. `` how was it ? ''`` honestly ... not that great the first time.

but the third time, i think i had an orgasm, '' miriam whispers. `` you think ? ''allison asks, cocking her head in confusion. `` yeah, i think. what about you, brynn ? ''`` what ? ''`` did you and nate ... '' she trails off suggestively. `` um, yes . ''`` and ? ''allison leans forward. my heartbeat quickens at the memory of his touch before sadness washes over me. i shake my head. `` i'd rather not think about it . ''i finish the rest of the dinner trying to engage in the conversation, but knowing that i'm often forcing the smile on my face. allison and miriam do their best to raise my spirits, and i try to act excited about classes starting on monday, but my mind, and my heart, aren't quite in it. after i pay the bill, allison and miriam volunteer to walk me back to my room, but i demur, feeling like a walk by myself before bed. after i hug them goodbye, i stroll along the edge of campus, watching all the action unfold as everyone enjoys the last weekend free of homework.

it's not long before i realize my feet are leading me past the crew house. just a quick look, i tell myself. i begin to walk more slowly as i see it up the street. the lights are on inside the house, and i can see some people hanging out on the front porch. the late summer night has just darkened, and i stand under a street light peering up at the house. i can see several of the crew guys up there, and a petite blonde leaning on the railing with her back toward me. the front door swings open and i press my lips together as i see nate walk out with two bottles of beer in his hand. he's so close ... just across the street and up the hill, and yet i can't be with him, this person with whom i've shared such intimate moments. my heart stops as he smiles at the blonde. it can't be ... he can't have moved on already. but there he is, offering her one of the beers, and sitting down next to her on the railing and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. a chill comes over me despite the warm air.