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the three of us weren't exactly popular during high school, and when we found each other during our freshman year orientation, it was such an amazing relief to be with like-minded girls. we were all serious students, driven, with a penchant for fantasy books that might star viggo mortensen in the movie adaption. but now, i'm beginning to chafe at the boundaries of our friendship. particularly when it comes to going out to parties, and boys. on my early morning trips to the library, i see girls doing the walk of shame across campus, their makeup smeared across their faces, hair rumpled, and first i feel pity, and then intense jealousy. that post-sex glazed over look ... if i'm honest with myself, i want that too. and i promised myself that if i got my lawn room, i'd go to a party. a real college party. the kind miriam and allison roll their eyes at as they wonder how many brain cells its attendees are killing by the second. this crew party is the perfect opportunity.

i'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it remains a possibility that i might actually get to talk to nate thornhill tonight. just the thought of his name is enough to send tingles down my spine, though i know the real-life man could probably never live up to the fantasy i've built up in my mind. i still remember the first time i saw him, walking across campus the second weekend of fall semester of freshman year. i would've bet my life then that he was a senior. compared to the boys i had just left behind in high school, he was already a full-grown man. he wore a navy blue polo like it was a second skin as he strode across the grass, jefferson's palladian architecture spread out behind him like it was built as a set for a movie he was starring in. he wore his wavy brown hair on the long side, and pushed back to keep it out of his dark blue eyes. his nose was perfectly straight and ended over a pair of soft, full lips and a chin with an actual dimple in it.

if it were possible for ryan gosling and a kennedy to have a baby, the result would be nate thornhill. i later learned that he was a double major like me, and since one of mine is political science and one of his is history, we overlapped in a few of our core courses. i expected him to sit in the back with the rest of the jocks but he was always in the front row, quick to raise his hand with intelligent answers. i always hide right in the center of the halls ; my shyness overwhelms me in those big lecture classes. i've never got up the courage to actually talk to him, and besides, he always has a different girl on his arm. with his looks, money, and being a star of both the lacrosse and crew teams, he draws women in like a magnet. but tonight? tonight i have promised myself that if he's at the party, i am going to introduce myself. i shoot off a quick text to cara, my new friend from class, to confirm that i'll join her tonight, and then turn to my closet.

i really only have one option to wear tonight : a simple, slinky black camisole with a lace inlay that i bought at the mall in spite of miriam and allison's naysaying. i didn't know what i was buying it for then, but it's the kind of shirt i've seen other girls wearing to parties. i slip on jeans and a pair of heels that are probably a little low to be cool, but they'll have to do. it's not like i have extra money to be adding to my wardrobe. i take out the drug store makeup that i bought and sit at my desk. i never usually wear anything but chapstick, but i watched some youtube tutorials and feel confident i can mimic some of the techniques. with a compact mirror, i carefully put on a little concealer, blush, brown eye shadow, and black mascara. i bought an eyeliner, but i don't use it. i think it's a little beyond my skills. with a swipe of some sparkly lip gloss, i'm done. i close the closet door and study myself in the full-length mirror. with a start, i recognize myself in the reflection.

i turn my face side to side, searching for all its imperfections. with a little makeup on, my resemblance to my mom is more pronounced. everyone always says she is beautiful, so maybe it's possible that i might be pretty, too. the shirt is more low-cut than i remembered, and i touch my breasts self-consciously. i get my large c-cups from my mom also, but i've always kept them covered up. i see how men get distracted by them, like they're some tractor beam pulling them in. one more quick glance to check my mascara application, and i nod at myself, satisfied. it's been a long time coming, but i think i'm finally ready to party. chapter two the spring night air is warm on my face as i walk across campus to meet cara and her friends. i pass other students heading out for the night and feel happy to count myself among them. i go over my rules for myself as i near the crew house, which is just across the street from campus. no more than three drinks. no talking about classes.

no weirdness around nate thornhill. `` brynn ! ''cara yells from the opposite sidewalk. i wave as i head over. `` i can't believe you got a lawn room! that's amazing ! ''i lean over to give her a hug. she's an effortlessly cool, petite brunette-the kind of girl that everyone considers to be their friend. `` thanks ! ''`` holy shit! you got a lawn room? are you, like, a genius or something ? ''her friend rachel asks, her jaw dropping. `` i wish! then all those papers would have taken me way less time to write, '' i reply with a laugh. `` cara says you've never been to a crew party ? ''marie, the knockout of the group, asks. `` nope ... just never made my way over here i guess, '' i reply, downplaying the situation. `` well, they have the best parties, '' she assures me. `` and the hottest guys . ''`` lacrosse guys are hotter, '' rachel argues. `` of course, if you can always do both ... '' marie murmurs, and they burst into laughter.

`` hey, you look great, by the way, '' cara says to me as we walk up the front steps of the house. `` love that top . ''`` thanks, '' i say, trying not to glow. a couple guys chilling on the front porch greet the other girls by name, and i blush as i feel their eyes glance over me. i tug my hair self-consciously as one of them grins at me. two girls hurry past us in the opposite direction. one leans over the railing as her friend barely manages to pull her hair back before she retches into the bushes. lovely. sweat and the scent of beer greets us as we walk inside. the lights are dim, barely illuminating the mass of people crowded into the main room, and i feel my heels sticking to the sticky floor. `` cara, the love of my life ! ''a tall, brawny guy says, sweeping her up into a hug. i recognize him from the crew team. not that i've studied their roster photos or anything ... `` oh, ha, ha, '' cara says, rolling her eyes, though something about the gleam in her eyes tells me she likes the guy.

`` can i get you ladies a beer ? ''he asks, nodding to the keg behind him. `` yes, please, '' cara says. `` hey, foster, this is my good friend brynn. this is her first crew party so treat her nice . ''`` i'm always nice ! ''foster says indignantly, then bows in front of me and offers his hand. `` m'lady, '' he says, as i place my hand in his and raises it to his lips. marie and rachel giggle and then head over to another group as foster hands them their beers. cara and i follow foster over to an old, mysteriously stained, couch in the corner. we weave around other scantily clad co-eds, and for the first time in my life, i feel like one of the cool kids. i perch nervously on the far left cushion as cara sits next to me, with foster on her other side. i slowly sip my beer as he whispers in her ear. i've had beer before, even gotten tipsy a few times with allison and miriam when we first turned twenty-one and tried out some wine bars.

i just want to make sure i don't overdo it tonight and end up like that girl we passed on the way inside. `` where's nate tonight ? ''my head whips around as i hear cara ask foster the question. my heart stops for a second. i have to admit i'll feel crushed if he's not even here. `` he's somewhere around, probably getting crushed under a pile of chicks, '' foster rolls his eyes, and cara laughs. i down half my beer. i can't believe how jealous it makes me feel, i've never even met the guy. cara and foster keep chatting, and though cara makes an effort to include me, i'm feeling too nervous to contribute much to the conversation. by the time i finish my beer, i really have to pee. `` be right back, '' i murmur to cara, and go looking for the bathroom. i weave through the sweaty throng to a hallway along the stairs. i see a line of five girls outside of what i assume is the bathroom, and with a sigh, i step behind the last one. the door opens and a guy darts in front of the front girl. `` hey ! ''

she protests. `` sorry! emergency ! ''he cries, and shuts the door behind him. i lean back a little and glance up the stairs. there are several people hanging out on the landing, but it's definitely quieter up there, and i'm sure there's more than one bathroom in this place. holding my legs close together, i turn around and hurry up the stairs. i bypass the first couple rooms with open doors and come to a couple closed ones. i can see a room at the end of the hall that looks like a lounge, with a pool table in the middle of the room. one of these two rooms must be the bathroom. i lean toward the nearest one and press my ear against it. i can't hear anything. i knock softly and wait for a reply, and when i don't hear one, i slowly turn the knob and open the door. i gasp as it's pulled open and out of my grasp. my eyes fly up and immediately i realize that nate is standing before me. `` i ... i ... ''i stammer. his pupils dilate as he stares at me in amusement. i let my gaze fall down his body.

he's naked but for a pair of pale blue boxers. good lord, his body is ridiculous. the line down between his six-pack looks like it was etched in stone. it's suddenly very difficult to breathe. `` see anything you like ? ''he asks drily. i snap my gaze back up. a brown curl of hair hangs just over one of his eyes. i clear my throat as i try to think of something to say. i feel his eyes travelling over my body, my skin burning under his gaze as desire begins to pool in my stomach. `` oh, no, i was- '' `` you wan na join us ? ''he says, pulling the door open a little more. i glance over his shoulder and see a naked girl in bed covered in rumpled sheets. `` nate ! ''the girl says with a giggle, and pulls a sheet up over her breasts. `` come on. if i weren't already naked, i'd say you were undressing me with your eyes, '' he says smugly to me. i feel my cheeks turn scarlet. `` no, sorry, '' i murmur, averting my eyes and rushing down the hall to the stairs as i hear the girl dissolve into laughter behind me.

i run straight out of the front door and down the front steps before stopping on the sidewalk to process what's just happened. ugh, i'm such an idiot. i raise my hand to my mouth and wipe the back of my palm across my lips, smearing off my lip gloss. i don't belong at parties like this, and i certainly don't belong with nate thornhill. i've never been so embarrassed in my life ... and how arrogant, asking me to join him and that girl as though i actually would? hot tears build up behind my eyes and threaten to spill over. i had such high hopes for tonight, such high hopes for him. and he ended up being so gross. i pull my phone out of my wristlet and shoot off a quick text to cara : hey, just got a terrible headache. headed back to my dorm. see you later! i head back across campus and to the safety of my dorm room. my phone buzzes and i pull it back out to see her response : feel better! i envy cara. everything seems to come so easy to her. she can fit in anywhere, make friends with anyone.

i guess i'm just not that kind of person, much as i'd like to be. chapter three the words are a blur on the page in front of me. i rub my eyes. i didn't sleep well last night, and now i can't concentrate on my notes. we have a few days off at the beginning of the week to study, and then final exams. i can't let myself slip just because i got a lawn room, but the events of last night are distracting me and studying right now is nearly impossible. my phone rings on the desk next to me. `` hey, mom ! ''i say as i pick up. `` hey, honey! i just saw you called me a bunch yesterday! i'm sorry. i was out with pierce . ''her melodic voice sounds a little breathless, as it always does when she talks about this new boyfriend. `` well, i have some good news . ''`` me, too ! ''she replies. `` oh! um, do you want to go first ? ''`` actually, i'm going to be in town tonight. pierce and i were hoping to have dinner with you . ''`` you're in town ?! that's great news . ''she laughs. `` no, that's not the news!

do you want to wait to tell me your news until then ? ''`` um, sure. why not? everything's ok, though, right ? ''`` everything's great! we have a reservation for 7 o'clock at decanter. should we pick you up ? ''`` no, that's ok. it's just a short walk from campus . ''`` wonderful! oh, i'm so excited to see you ! ''she says. `` me too ! ''i shut my phone feeling dumbfounded. now i'm really not going to be able to study. my mom's never surprised me like this before. i frown. could she and pierce be engaged, and she wants to tell me in person? i guess i'd be happy for her, but i've never met this guy before. what if he's just one more jerk in the long line of lowlifes that she seems to attract? my mom is so gorgeous and always loved the attention her looks brought her, but her vanity has always worried me. men are so willing to do everything for her, but they never seem to be the right kind of men.

regardless of their character, she's always had a constant stream of admirers, and has never had to do anything for herself. she doesn't know who she is or how to be alone. when i came along, my dad showed his true colors and abandoned us, and she had no skills to fall back on as a twenty-two year-old single mother. i always promised myself that i wouldn't let myself depend on a man like her. i had to make sure i could make my own way in the world, which is probably why i've had my nose in a book my whole life. after several more hours of fruitless study, i decide to get ready a little early so that i can take a walk around campus before i meet my mom and her new boyfriend. i put on a cotton summer dress and grab a cardigan in case the restaurant is chilly. i start to feel a little calmer when i reach the lawn and see the rotunda's white dome in front of me. the architecture always inspires me, and next year i'll actually be living here.

i stand in front of the women's side of the lawn-genders are separated-and wonder which room will be mine. my mind drifts back unbidden to last night. i so hoped to be able to expand my horizons a little. as wonderful as i know getting a lawn room is, it's not everything. the way nate's body looked in the low light from the hall ... the small tuft of hair that showed just above his boxers ... the way he looked at me. i realize i'm tugging at my braid absent-mindedly, and shake my head at myself-i need to get it together. it's time to meet my mom and her new boyfriend, and hear their big news. i glance around as i enter decanter. its architecture is modern and elegant, a mix of cream fabrics and dark wood. i've never been here before-way out of my price range. i'm about to approach the hostess when i recognize my mom in a prime booth in the corner. i walk toward her between a row of tables, hearing the hushed tones of conversation and the clinking of wine glasses around me.

her eyes light up and she stands as she sees me approaching. she looks even more gorgeous than usual. her blonde hair, a little lighter than mine, hangs in a long bob almost to her shoulders, and her perfect teeth show brightly behind her deep red lipstick. `` brynn! i've missed you, honey, '' she says, enveloping me in a hug. `` you look gorgeous. isn't this dress a little big for you, though ? ''she asks, pulling at the extra fabric. `` you know i like this kind of fit, '' i reply, allowing only the slightest bit of impatience to enter my voice. this is a recurring conversation with us. she always wants me to dress a little more feminine, a little more `` form-flattering '' as she puts it. `` well, i'm so excited for you to meet pierce. he's just in the restroom-oh! here he is . ''i follow her gaze to an elegantly dressed man with salt-and-pepper hair and blue eyes who's approaching us with a warm smile.

`` holly, i'd think this was your sister if i didn't know any better, '' he says, and my mom giggles. `` brynn, i'm pierce. your mom has told me such wonderful things about you, '' he says as we shake hands. `` likewise, '' i reply politely, though the truth is that she's told me almost nothing. `` well, let's sit. i ordered us some champagne for the table. it should be arriving soon . ''we all obediently sit, me on one side of the cushy leather booth, and my mom and pierce on the other. `` so, brynn, you're in your junior year ? ''`` yes, that's- '' i break off as my mom reaches for her water glass and i spot a ring on her left hand. not an engagement ring, either. a wedding ring. `` what's that ? ''i ask sharply. `` oh, '' my mom flutters. `` well, we were going to wait until my son arrived, but- '' `` we're married ! ''my mom announces suddenly. my jaw drops open. `` married ? ''i squeak. `` i mean, i thought maybe you'd be engaged but married ? ''`` you're upset ? ''my mom asks worriedly.

`` no, not upset ... '' i struggle to put my emotions into the right words. i always feel the need to protect my mom from what i'm really feeling. she's always been more fragile than me. `` just surprised, that's all. i mean, how long have you known each other ? ''`` well, we met six months ago, '' my mom says. `` and then pierce took me on a surprise trip to the turks and caicos last week, and everything was just so perfect ... '' she trails off, looking to him for support. `` it really was, brynn. and it felt so right. we wished you guys could have been there, but we just felt that we had to seize the moment. it was in this little gazebo on the cliff, with spectacular views of the water, and the captain of a boat that was docked at the resort officiated ... '' `` it was engagement, honeymoon, and wedding in one! we just wished you and nate could have been there. that would have made it even more perfect . ''i struggle to catch up with all the information they're throwing at me.

`` sorry, who's nate ? ''`` oh, nate's my son. he goes to school here, too. i tried to get a hold of him so we could tell you together, but-wait! there he is ! ''pierce slides out of the booth to wave to his son. nate. not nate ... `` what's pierce's last name ? ''i whisper urgently to my mom. `` thornhill, '' she whispers back distractedly, sliding over to stand next to pierce. oh my god. nate thornhill is here. nate thornhill is currently walking up behind me. nate thornhill is my new ... stepbrother, i realize in horror. beads of sweat form at my hairline and i've suddenly lost my appetite. chapter four as nate walks into my periphery, i watch in slow motion as he hugs his dad and shakes hands with my mom. i can not believe this is happening. surely i'm in the middle of some strange nightmare and will wake up soon. i hoped i'd never have to see him again after last night. `` brynn, honey, this is nate, pierce's son, '' my mom says, cutting through the fog of emotion in my brain. `` h-hi. nate.

brynn. i'm brynn, '' i stammer as he glances over at me. `` brynn, pleasure to meet you, '' he replies formally. wait, does he not even remember meeting me last night? `` well, scooch over brynn, so nate can sit, '' mom says, waving me over with her hands. `` right, sorry, '' i say, sliding over so that he can sit next to me. i stare straight ahead as he sits. i can feel my body betraying me already. the heat from his leg under the table is giving me heart palpitations. `` thought you weren't going to be able to make it, '' pierce says a little tensely to his son. `` sorry, i was in the library studying. i had my phone off . ''`` well, you missed the big announcement. we were just telling brynn that holly and i have gotten married . ''i glance at nate out of the corner of my eye. i see his eyes widen in surprise. `` married? i thought you said you'd never get married again . ''`` well, things change. when i met holly, i just knew. you'll see when you get to know her. she's a special woman . ''

i watch my mom glow like a 1000 watt bulb and can't help but smile. it's been a while since i've seen her so happy. `` yeah, i'm ... i'm just ... '' i watch him struggle for words just like i did. `` surprised. but happy. i'm looking forward to getting to know you better, holly . ''wow, that was ... kind. not what the guy i met last night would say. `` oh, me too, nate, '' my mom replies, looking overjoyed. `` and i'm so excited for you and brynn to get to know each other ! ''`` two only children ... '' pierce says meaningfully. `` you'll have to learn to share . ''my mom laughs and i join in weakly. `` you always wanted a sibling, brynn! and now you have one! well, a step-sibling, but still . ''a step-sibling that i've had literally dozens of dirty dreams about. perfect. `` so, you two have never met, then ? ''my mom asks, glancing between us. `` pierce and i were so excited when we realized both our kids were juniors here . ''`` uva is my alma mater, '' pierce adds proudly.

`` no, we've never met, '' i break in quickly. i see nate eye me for a second before he nods. `` nope, never met, unfortunately, '' he says. `` we thought it best not to tell you guys about us until we knew it would really be forever. i thought it would have just been so awkward for you two if we'd broken up and then you have to keep seeing each other around campus, '' my mom explains. `` yes, that would have been awkward, '' nate says drily, and i know he's thinking that nothing could compare to my own awkwardness last night. the waitress comes over with the bottle of champagne that pierce ordered. dom perignon, i see as i look at the label. whoa, he must be loaded. my new stepdad must be loaded. she expertly pops the cork and pours us each an elegant flute, placing the bottle into a wine cooler next to the table. pierce takes his glass and raises it. `` to a new family, '' he says, looking around the table. we all raise our glasses and clink them together.

i manage to do so without making eye contact with nate. the champagne tickles my throat on the way down. i've never wanted to drink a bottle of alcohol more in my entire life than at this moment, but i keep myself to a modest sip. `` so, honey, you told me you had some news, too ? ''my mom asks, as she puts down her glass. `` oh, yes, though i don't think i can follow that announcement, '' i hedge with a smile. `` please! you sounded excited on the phone, '' she encourages me. `` well, i got a lawn room, '' i reveal. my mom gasps in excitement, but i see pierce glance quickly at his son. `` i thought you said that they hadn't announced it yet, '' he says quietly. `` i ... i knew you'd be disappointed. i was waitlisted. it was difficult, juggling two varsity sports, a double major- '' nate replies. i glance at my mom and then between the two men. nate is looking down at the tablecloth. `` i was selected for a lawn room, too, '' pierce says, interrupting him and turning to me.

`` it's an important accomplishment . ''`` thank you ... '' i say hesitantly. nate looks so miserable. `` being waitlisted is impressive, too . ''he glances up at me sharply, his eyes flashing. shit. i heard it, too : pity. `` well, congratulations, both of you, '' my mom breaks in. `` i have no idea what i'm going to order! everything looks so wonderful . ''she runs her finger down the menu in front of her. having grown up in a family of irish immigrants, my mom has always avoided conflict like the plague, though this time i'm glad for the change of subject. i decide to order the steak since money doesn't seem to be an issue, and we each order a cocktail in addition to the champagne. something begins to tug at the back of my brain after the waitress leaves to put in our food orders. `` pierce, i'm sorry if this is an ignorant question, but were you in office? your name sounds so familiar . ''`` yes, '' he replies, looking pleased. `` i'm a former congressman- '' `` -for virginia. now i remember.

you helped pass the campaign finance reforms . ''i smile. `` good memory . ''`` one of my majors is political science, so i try to keep up with it . ''`` and your other major ? ''`` global health . ''`` you know, i run thornhill and co. consulting of k street, and we're still looking for a summer intern. interested ? ''`` dad, i thought you were going- '' nate breaks in before i can respond. `` and i thought you were going to get a lawn room, '' his dad replies, keeping his voice light. `` so, brynn, what do you think ? ''`` well, um, i was just going to get a summer job back in maryland to help pay for tuition, '' i murmur. did pierce promise his son the internship? i don't want to start off this relationship with nate on the wrong foot. `` you don't need to worry about tuition now, honey, '' my mom says softly. i look at her in surprise. oh my god-is pierce going to pay for my college bills? the thought hadn't even occurred to me. i look between them as they stare back at me calmly.

`` oh, oh, i didn't think-i mean, i'd love to, but i just-if nate wants the- '' `` then it's settled, '' pierce cuts in. `` i tend to go into the office quite early, but we have an extra car you can use . ''`` sorry? i don't understand . ''`` well, pierce and i are moving in together. i mean, i basically live there now, but i'm officially selling the old house, now that we're married . ''`` right. of course . ''my brain scrambles to process all the new information. just as i'm working it all out, i feel a hand on my knee. i look down in surprise to see nate's arm disappearing under the tablecloth. i glance at him. he's looking straight ahead as though nothing's happening. i struggle to maintain my composure as heat travels from his hand and all the way up to ... `` so, this summer, i'll be living with you then? all of you ? ''nate turns to smile at me politely. his hand moves another inch up the bare skin of my thigh. i widen my eyes at him but he doesn't react. `` that's right.

we'll all be living at pierce's house- '' `` our house, '' pierce corrects my mom with a smile. `` our house, in potomac. it's got tons of space, beautiful views of the river. it'll be wonderful to have the summer to bond with each other, and really become a family . ''nate's hand moves another inch up my leg. i can feel the rough, calloused skin of his palm. i've never been so turned on in my life, but i'm struggling against it. what is he thinking? we're at dinner with our parents! `` i know you have some stuff at the old house, but we'll have it moved to the new one. everything will be all set up when you get home, '' my mom says, smiling at me. `` mmm, '' i reply, trying to focus on her words. `` i wasn't that attached to the old place anyway, '' i add with a shrug. we'd moved a couple times after my dad left, so no one place has ever felt like home. nate's hand moves another inch up my thigh, pushing up the hem of my dress so his fingers rest under it. my whole body is tingling.

holy hell, i can barely breathe. i'm shocked pierce and my mom don't seem to notice that anything's happening. with his other hand, nate takes a calm sip from his champagne flute. where's the waitress? he'll have to move his hand when the food comes. he moves his hand up another inch. i can't take it any longer-another second and i'm going to start moaning. as my mom moves her head to pierce's ear to murmur sweet nothings, i slide my fork off the table and press it tongs-first into the top of nate's hand. i hear him make a sharp intake of breath and then his mouth twitches as he tries to hold position through the pain. i press down harder. suddenly he yanks his hand away and i just manage to stop my hand in time so the fork doesn't hit my leg. he turns to me and smiles, a wicked glimmer in his eyes. he was fucking with me, i realize. that's his way of taking revenge for me showing him up in front of his dad? what a goddamn creep! i lean toward him with a fake smile plastered on my face.

`` if you're that pissed about it, bring it up with your dad, don't take it out on me. i did try to turn it down . ''i hiss into his ear. he turns to me with an equally fake smile. `` i'll do whatever the hell i like, sis . ''he says quietly so our parents can't hear. the rest of the meal passes without nate making another fake pass at me. the gears in my brain begin to move as i think about how i'm going to be spending the entire summer, and potentially many other seasons, living with this guy. my life has been completely upended tonight, and i need some time to process everything. after the waitress clears our coffee cups and pierce takes care of the bill with a black amex card, we stand up to say goodbye. they're going to drive back to maryland tonight since it takes under three hours. i hug pierce goodbye, then my mom. `` i know this was a lot to take in, honey. we'll talk everything over, i promise, '' she whispers reassuringly, then kisses me on the cheek.

i smile at her and begin to tear up-i'm pretty overwhelmed. nate surprises me by leaning in for a hug as our parents look on with a smile. `` great to meet you, '' he says, then whispers almost silently in my ear, `` sorry, we'll never get a chance to have that threesome, sis . ''i freeze as he pats my back once and then breaks away. he remembered. and now he will always know how attracted i am to him. i have a feeling i'm never going to hear the end of it. chapter five `` i don't mean to question the relationship, it was just so sudden, '' i explain to my mom as she drives me home from the airport. i usually never fly to or from college, but pierce insisted. my biggest worry was that nate and i might be on the same flight, but luckily his exams ended earlier than mine. i want as much time as possible to prepare myself for our interactions. `` no, i get it, i really do, '' my mom assures me. `` you can ask me anything about pierce, or me and pierce, and i won't be upset . ''`` he treats you well ? ''

`` he's wonderful. he's always surprising me with little gifts, trips, even. i don't know what i've done to deserve him . ''`` well, i think you're pretty great . ''i offer dramatically. `` oh, i didn't mean it like that! i just mean, pierce treats me like a princess. and the house is basically a castle, '' she adds, pointing to her right. i gasp at the flagstone mansion we're pulling alongside. `` shut up. that's his house !? it's huge ! ''`` i know, right ? ''my mom replies with a laugh. `` it has maid's quarters! but you'll get used to it, really . ''`` there's a maid ? ''`` he used to have a housekeeper/maid who would cook for him, but now i do most of that stuff. i love having someone else to cook for again. the maid just comes once a week now to do a really thorough cleaning, '' she explains as we pull through the wrought-iron gates leading the driveway. `` are you still working at the salon ? ''

she used to support herself as a manicurist at the tiny salon back in our small town in eastern maryland. `` nope, not anymore. i'm volunteering, though, and thinking of joining some charitable boards, '' she says nonchalantly. my mom, a lady who lunches, i think, shaking my head. i don't know if i can see it. my mom presses a button on the car's dashboard and one of the two garage doors opens. we pull inside and i look around at the huge space as the door closes behind us. if i'm this in shock about the size of the garage, i can't imagine how i'll feel about the rest of the place. after the tour, which took over an hour because the house is so massive, my mom finally leads me to my room. my head is swimming at the lavishness of my new home. as we walk down the plushly carpeted hallway, i'm alarmed to realize that i can actually smell nate. he must be nearby somewhere. i've been dreading seeing him again and hoped i'd have more time to settle in before our first confrontation.

`` here's nate's room, '' my mom says as we pass a partially open door. `` he's out somewhere right now . ''i shake my head at myself. i wish i could turn off the part of my body that's attracted to him. if anything, though, my sex dreams about him have only become more frequent and more alarming ever since he laid his hand on my thigh. `` and here's your room . ''i can't believe it's right next door to nate's room. there are so many rooms in this place-i would have preferred to have a bit more separation between us. `` whoa, '' i say as she pushes the door open, and my misgivings about the room are forgotten. a canopy with a delicate white fabric settled on it hangs over the four-poster bed in the center of the room. a matching nightstand, bureau, and vanity make up the rest of the furniture. the wallpaper is a tasteful, blue and white pattern with small birds on it that complements the light, airy feel of the room.

i release the handle of my luggage and head over the to the window seat and kneel on it. there's a spectacular view of the potomac river below-the house was clearly built to play up the amazing location. i glance to my left. `` is that my own bathroom ? ''`` yup-no more sharing ! ''my mom replies gaily. i step inside and admire the all-white tile and huge tub. i've never been in a house so nice. i can't believe i'm actually going to call this place home from now on. `` you want anything to eat ? ''my mom asks from the bedroom. `` um, yeah, that would be great, '' i call over my shoulder. `` ok, i'll whip something up. you stay here and get settled. i'll be in the kitchen when you're ready to eat . ''i wander back into the bedroom as my mom disappears down the stairs. there is one question i have that i can't bring myself to ask her. it's just ... i know my mom worries about money, about me graduating from school with so much debt.

it's not that i think she would have married pierce just for the money, but i worry that it might have clouded her judgment a bit. they got married so quickly-can she really know him that well? maybe i'm just falling back into my usual pattern of co-dependency and mothering her. she's a grown woman, i can't control what she does and i'm not responsible for her decisions ... not to mention, i am hugely relieved to not have to carry around student loans for the rest of my life. i kick my sandals off and sink back down onto the window seat. the potomac is a dark green sliver barely visible through the bushy trees that line the back of the estate and continue down to the shoreline. i startle as a figure breaks the stillness. i recognize nate's head as he walks up from the lower lawn to the pool, a lacrosse stick tucked over his shoulder. sheesh-is he training already? school just ended! i bite my lip as i watch him toss the stick on the deck and peel off his shirt.

he uses it to wipe the sweat off his face, then tosses it on a chair and kicks off his sneakers. his body is just ... impossible. i mean, i guess it makes sense. two varsity sports are probably enough to give anyone a body like a greek god, but he also has the face to match. he jumps in the pool and i watch him swim a lap, the cool blue water cascading over his muscular back and shoulders. i need to get used to seeing him like this-and stop acting like a total freak every time we're in the same room. this is my new normal. `` your food's ready ! ''my mom calls upstairs, her voice echoing a bit in the multi-level foyer. i jump up and head downstairs. i turn into a formal dining room before finding my way to the kitchen. i stop as i realize the kitchen windows look directly out onto the pool. great. `` i can't believe nate's already in the pool. the water's still freezing, '' my mom comments. `` yeah, he's crazy ... '' i reply, before i really hear what she said.

i'm too distracted by nate's backstroke, his arms cutting cleanly through the water. `` so you two never once ran into each other on campus in the three years you've been at uva ? ''she asks, sliding a blt onto the glass table in the breakfast nook. we sit down across from each other and i start eating. `` no, well ... we hadn't ever met . ''`` but ? ''my mom digs, hearing a slight hesitation in my voice. `` well, nate's really well known around campus. he starts on the lacrosse and crew teams, he's smart, good- '' i catch myself and pretend to clear my throat. `` good-looking ? ''my mom asks with a smile. `` mom ... '' i groan. `` well, he is. i'm not blind. actually, pierce looked just like him when he was his age . ''i see nate get out of the pool over my mom's shoulder and shake himself off. i force myself to look down at my sandwich as he walks across to a lawn chair and lies down. `` what happened to nate's mom ? ''my mom winces. `` pierce doesn't really like to talk about it-too painful.

apparently, she cheated on him and then abandoned him and nate. they never see her . ''`` oh, that's awful, '' i murmur, trying to shove down the twinge of pity i feel for my new stepbrother. `` i think it's one of the things that brought us together-raising a child by ourselves . ''my eyes flick to the door as nate slides it open. he's put his shirt back on but it clings to his still damp torso, emphasizing his muscular pecs and shoulders. he drops his sneakers on the mat as he shuts the door behind him. `` hey nate, '' my mom greets him. `` would you like a sandwich ? ''`` you don't have to do that, '' he says, a little gruffly. `` i don't mind at all, '' she replies, standing to move back to the counter. he pauses, then sits in her abandoned chair a bit reluctantly. `` it's so funny that you and brynn never met at school ! ''`` i think there might have been one time- '' he says, glancing at me, that same devilish look back in his eyes.

i feel his knee come to rest against mine under the table, and i quickly cross my legs. `` in class. we have been in a few of the same classes together, '' i clarify, narrowing my eyes at him. `` we have ? ''he asks looking genuinely surprised. my mom quietly spreads mayo on a slice of bread at the marble island. `` yes, '' i whisper, embarrassed. of course he wouldn't remember all of the times we've sat in the same classroom-only the time when i ogled him in the doorway of his bedroom and completely embarrassed myself. i blush. i want to sink into this seat cushion and disappear. he frowns at me then turns his palm over and begins to pick at a callous. `` so honey, pierce says you'll start your internship on monday, ok? that'll give you a few days to settle in, '' my mom says as she slides the sandwich in front of nate. `` sounds good, '' i reply, glancing at nate out of the corner of my eye. `` i'm having someone over for dinner tomorrow night, '' he announces rather abruptly. `` oh, wonderful.

a friend from around here ? ''`` not a friend, really. a girl i dated in high school, '' nate clarifies. i keep my eyes trained carefully forward. `` do you know if she has any dietary restrictions ? ''my mom asks, excitedly flying into hostess mode. `` i could make this chicken dish my mom passed down, or ... '' i tune out as she offers more ideas, and polish off my sandwich as quickly as possible so i can excuse myself and go upstairs. i sigh as i close my bedroom door behind me. so now i have to have dinner with nate's ex-girlfriend. is this what the rest of the summer is going to be like? nate punishing me for his father's favor by exploiting my attraction to him? i'd rather be back in the library, buried in a book. chapter six i push the sauteed chicken around my plate as i try not to watch nate drape his arm around the back of dana's chair. she's pretty. very pretty. and sweet. i wish she weren't so sweet so i could hate her for a good reason. `` so how long did you two date ? ''my mom asks.

`` well, it was on and off, so ... hard to say. he actually went to prom with one of my friends, '' she replies, jokingly nudging nate, who at least has the grace to blush. `` nate ... '' his dad says, shaking his head admonishingly. `` oh, it's ok. i went with one of his friends, '' dana says with a smile. `` i think we both knew it wasn't meant to be . ''`` a couple of my friends met their husbands in high school, '' my mom says, resting her fork on her plate. `` though i read an article recently that said that twenty-eight percent of women meet their husbands in college . ''she looks pointedly at me and i jump up. `` i'll clear, '' i announce. i have a feeling i know where this conversation is headed and i want to avoid it. `` oh, thank you, brynn, '' pierce says, as i stack the plates on top of one another. `` no problem, '' i reply. `` i waited tables in high school . ''`` same, '' nate says, as i reach in front of him to take his plate. `` you did not, '' i retort, before i can think.

he looks up at me and raises his eyebrows, his gaze unreadable beneath them. pierce laughs. `` it's true . ''`` my dad says working is the only way to build character, '' nate reports quietly. `` oh, '' i say, blushing as i push my way through the swinging door into the kitchen. i place the china carefully next to the sink and lean onto the counter. god, i feel like i can't say anything right around nate. my mind freezes up while my body is set on fire. `` so, are you dating anyone at school, brynn ? ''pierce asks. damn him. `` not right now, '' i reply, sitting back down. `` who were you dating? maybe i know him, '' nate says, his dark eyes picking up the candlelight in the table's elaborate centerpiece. my mom spent all afternoon on it. `` probably not, '' i say evasively, pasting a polite smile on my face. he really knows how to get under my skin. the truth is, i've never really dated anyone, much as my mom pushes me, and as much as i'm embarrassed by the fact. `` who wants dessert ? ''

i manage to sidestep any more questioning by bringing out the last course, though now i'm starting to think about the fact that nate and dana are probably going to want to go off somewhere after this and have sex. i hope it's not in nate's room. what if i can hear them through the wall? my mom insists on clearing the dessert plates, and nate and dana stand up. pierce and nate start talking quietly, and dana comes over to me. `` you are so gorgeous . ''she offers. `` i have to ask : what do you use on your skin ? ''`` i-what? um, soap ? ''oh man, she really makes it difficult to hate her. `` soap? just ... soap? oh my god, i have this whole routine, '' she says, laughing at herself. `` well, thanks. i guess i'll be seeing you around often ? ''i ask, but she looks surprised. `` because you and nate are dating . ''`` we're not really dating, '' she confides to me. `` he's not the type, and i gave up hope years ago. but just look at him-can you blame me for coming back ? ''

she says with a grin, then her eyes widen. `` oh my gosh-sorry! i forgot for a second that he's your brother ! ''`` step-brother, '' i correct her. `` well, i'm gon na head upstairs. it was really nice to meet you, dana . ''`` you, too, '' she replies, stepping away to join pierce and nate's conversation. i head into the foyer but at the last second decide not to go upstairs. i need some air. i find myself heading down the hallway and to the french doors in the wood-paneled study. they open onto the patio and i step outside with relief, closing the door behind me. the firm breeze from the river calls me forward and i head down toward it. i circle around the swimming pool on the first level of the backyard, and then down to a grassy lawn with a lacrosse goal set up on one end. the wooden stairs down to the rocky beach are set on the right side, and it takes me a minute to find them in the dark. as i head down the steps, i see the potomac spread out in front of me.

the water rushes hungrily by, lit only by the sparsely set houses on the cliffs surrounding it. as i step onto the shore, i can feel the rocks pressing up through my sandals, and boulders casting long, dark shadows on either side of me. this is no white-sand beach. the river runs dangerously fast after rains, and there are even white-water rapids along parts of it. i look back at the steps behind me and then back out at the river. i feel so out of place here. even though our old house didn't really feel like home either, i wish i were there now, stretched out on the ratty old couch, with my mom in her chair, watching something on our small tv. i don't know if i'll ever be able to feel like i belong here. i'll always feel like a guest in pierce's house. i walk down closer to the water until i can feel the pebbles getting smaller underneath my feet. i don't want my shoes to get wet. i jump as a bird breaks out of a tree above me.

i can just see it as it flies off, its body a moving ink blot against the dark sky. i wish i could follow it. i turn and walk back toward the steps, feeling as lonely as i've ever felt. i shake my head at myself as i climb the wooden stairs. my mom is happy, and i'm fortunate to live in a place like this. stop feeling sorry for yourself, brynn. as i walk across the lower lawn, i look up and see my mom and pierce's bedroom light go off. i guess they're turning in early tonight. i walk up toward the pool and freeze as i hear a moan. the lights downstairs are all off except one in the hall, and the pool's lights underneath the water. my eyes dart around and fall on two writhing bodies on a poolside lounge chair. nate and dana. i stare as nate whips off his own shirt and then dana 's. i know i should move but i don't. the blue pool lights shimmer against his back muscles as he expertly undoes dana's bra and pulls off her pants and underwear. leave, you pervert!

my brain commands me, but my body stays firmly glued in place, even as it throbs with desire. one of nate's hands massages dana's ample breasts, and the other disappears beneath her. dana cries out immediately and i almost gasp myself, as though his hands are moving against me. i can practically feel his touch on me, his hot breath against my ear as his expert fingers move inside me ... nate grunts and pushes against her. she struggles to contain herself as he thrusts slowly in and out of her. oh my god-what am i doing !? i step back with a jolt as though i'm breaking out of a trance and almost trip over the hydrangea bush next to me in my hurry to get away. i run as quickly and quietly as i can around the side of the house and to the front. i reach the front door and pray that nate is going to lock up later. i feel the doorknob turn and push the door open in relief.

i hurry up the curving staircase and down the hall into my room, kicking off my sandals before hurling myself onto my bed and burying my head in the pillows. i can feel my cheeks burning with mortification over what i just witnessed and the uncontrollable desire i felt. i've had crushes before, but none like my obsession with nate. and even after finally meeting him, only to have him tease me and push my buttons, i still feel so physically drawn to him. i pull my face out of the pillow and crawl to the nightstand, pulling my dog-eared copy of lady chatterley's lover out of the top drawer. just as i'm opening it to the folded-over page, there's a quiet knock at my door. i toss my book on the bed and walk to it, hoping and praying it's not nate. i almost jump as i pull open the door and nate's face appears, shrouded in the darkness of the hallway. he leans forward, leaning his forearm on the doorjamb as i step back nervously.

his wavy hair looks particularly unruly, and his lips are curved in a slight smile. `` technically speaking, does a peeping tom have to be outside, looking inside? or does the term still apply if both, or all three, parties are outdoors ? ''he asks, calmly, tilting his chin up slightly as he considers me. `` i ... i don't ... '' i stammer, feeling heat crawl up the back of my neck. `` you. were. watching us, '' he accuses me, narrowing his eyes. `` i'm sorry. i didn't mean to. i just ... i was down at the river ... how did you ... ? ''`` i heard a twig snap and saw you running away like a drunken ostrich . ''`` did dana- ? ''`` no, and i didn't tell her . ''`` thank god . ''`` so? what did you think ? ''he smirks. `` oh, i'm so sorry, again. i'm so embarrassed, '' i rush on. it strikes me that this is the longest conversation i've ever had with my new stepbrother. and it's about how i'm a pervert. fantastic. `` why were you watching us ? ''he asks, stepping forward into my room.

i take another step away from him. `` um, i ... i don't know. it just sort of happened. i didn't mean to . ''`` liar, '' he comments lightly. `` asshole . ''it slips out before i can stop myself. he tilts his head slightly. `` prude, '' he levels at me. i look down. maybe i am a prude, but i don't want to be. `` what's that ? ''he asks. when i look back up at him, i see him gazing past me, to my book on the bed. `` nothing, just a book, '' i say, but he's breezing past me toward it. i hurry after him but he reaches the bed before me and picks up the book. `` see ? ''i say defiantly. `` i know what lady chatterley's lover is about, '' he says, looking at me with a smug grin. shit. `` maybe not such a prude after all, '' he adds, running his eyes up and down my body. i swallow hard. `` you know what i think ? ''he asks, stepping toward me. i step away again, feeling one of the posts of my bed against my back. `` i think you want me. i think you can barely contain yourself . ''

`` that's mighty arrogant of you, '' i comment. i begin to tug the ends of my hair nervously. `` why are you doing that ? ''he asks, frowning. `` it's just a nervous habit, '' i say with a shrug, and drop my hand. `` so i make you nervous ? ''`` no, '' i reply quickly. `` just you being in here ... '' `` i'm only arrogant if i'm wrong . ''`` wrong about what ? ''i feel the urge to pull my hair again but don't want to give him the satisfaction. `` wrong about you wanting me. let's give it a test- '' he narrows his eyebrows, studying me. `` i'm going to kiss you now, and all you have to do is tell me to stop . ''`` what? that's crazy. not to mention you just fucked dana, and now you expect me to kiss you ? ''i protest, but he steps toward me. i try to pull backward but i'm already pressed against my bedpost. desire unfurls deep in my stomach as his eyes lock onto mine. `` if it's crazy, just tell me to stop, '' he whispers teasingly, and moves closer.

his musky scent fills my nose and my mind begins to swim. i feel wetness trickling down my thigh as he curls his arms around me, grasping the bedpost with both hands behind my lower back. he's so close to me. i can feel heat radiating off him. his legs and chest sink against me and he moves his lips toward mine. just a few inches between nate thornhill's mouth and mine. now an inch. now two centimeters ... i can feel his warm breath against my partially open lips ...`` stop . ''i whisper. he freezes but doesn't pull away, as though he can't believe what he's just heard. though truthfully, i'm marveling at my own restraint. i can feel his erection against my thigh-i know he wants me, too. now i can beat him at his own game. i lean forward slightly, allowing my lips to brush against his as i speak, `` unless you don't want to . ''his eyes, which were focused on my lips, flick back up to meet mine. i force myself to stay steady even as i'm consumed by the lust in his gaze.

he stares at me for a moment, then pushes off the bedpost and steps back. he opens his mouth, about to say something, but nothing comes out. i remain pressed against the bedpost as he turns and moves toward the door. without looking back, he shuts it behind him. i stumble forward and take a deep breath. it's like he takes all the air out of the room and i can't breathe when he's around. i can't believe i just rejected him. i'm stunned, but i also feel like giving myself a standing ovation. i just resisted the advances of nate thornhill, my fantasy of almost three years. i should win a willpower award. i knew that if i'd let him kiss me, i would forever lose any kind of power in our relationship. i'd be just be another pathetic girl who fell for his charms. of course, the downside is that i'm more turned on than i've ever been in my life, and i'm alone with a book again. i sigh and crawl back onto my bed.

i have a feeling that whatever is happening between me and my stepbrother, i haven't seen the end of it yet. chapter seven `` i'm so happy there's another girl working here ! ''constance says, swiveling around on her desk chair. she's my new cubicle mate, and one of only a handful of other interns at thornhill and co. `` ah, there. my outlook is finally working, '' i announce, opening the email system on my desktop. `` so they'll want you to sign an nda and stuff, but after, want to go to lunch ? ''she asks. `` what's an nda ? ''i turn to face her. `` non-disclosure agreement. there are a ton of senators and big business types who come in here, and you can't tell anyone. very important, '' she says in hushed tones. she seems very pleased that she's snagged this coveted internship, which is probably why i haven't told her that i'm the boss's stepdaughter. i've never benefited from nepotism before, and it feels strange and uncomfortable to me now. `` oh.

well i'd love to get lunch later this week, but i'm having lunch with my friend allison today. we go to uva together, and she's got an internship at this urban planning place in georgetown, so i'm going to meet up with her . ''`` cool. georgetown has really good shopping. i'd love to go with you sometime. fashion is like, my side hobby, and you have a stylist's dream body . ''`` i don't think i- '' i begin my canned response to a shopping invitation before i realize that maybe i can afford it. and constance looks so perfectly chic in her patterned cardigan and statement necklace. `` you know, that would be wonderful. i really don't know what to buy . ''`` oh, i can help you with that. but careful not to wear anything too tight around mr. thornhill, '' she adds, rolling her eyes. `` what do you mean ? ''i ask with a frown. `` oh my god, who is that ? ''constance asks, breaking away from our conversation to stand and peer over our cubicle wall.

i join her to see nate and pierce walking down the hallway together toward the elevator bank. they must be having lunch together. `` that's his son, '' i reply, immediately sitting down again. `` he looks like a polo model ! ''constance exclaims, sitting back down. `` um, what were you saying about pierce-mr. thornhill-just then ? ''`` well, i've never had an issue, but maybe he's just not into asian girls, '' she says, throwing her black hair over her shoulder carelessly. `` from what i've heard, though, he has a certain reputation . ''`` oh, no, '' i reply, worriedly tugging on my hair. shit. shit. i knew he was too good to be true. `` don't worry. from what i've heard, he's pretty harmless, he's just from a different generation when it comes to women around the office-especially young women, '' she adds. `` mmhm, '' i reply, my mind already spiraling into crisis mode. `` you ok, brynn ? ''`` maybe he's changed, though. i mean, he's married now, '' i say, clinging to a speck of hope.

`` yeah, i heard he got married . ''she shrugs. `` could be. i don't think it's something that's been really recent or anything . ''i nod, feeling slightly mollified. we both spin back to our computers as we hear footsteps approaching our cubicle. i glance up to see pierce and nate appear in the opening. `` brynn, this is going to sound awful, '' pierce begins, and i brace myself. `` but nate and i had plans to go to lunch, and we got down to the lobby before i realized how rude it was not to invite you along . ''phew. for a second i thought he overheard our conversation. `` oh, that's so nice, but i actually have lunch plans with my best friend from school, anyway . ''`` oh i see ... well, enjoy! there are some great restaurants around here. we just wanted to let you know you were invited, '' pierce says kindly, though from nate's frown i'm guessing that it was more his idea than his son 's. `` constance, right ? ''he says, turning to her. `` yes, that's right, '' she squeaks.

`` alright, well, we better get going or we'll be late for our reservation. see you at home ! ''pierce says with a wave, and walks off with nate in tow. huh. i notice that nate didn't say a single word to me. i guess he doesn't like being the one left wanting for once. `` why will mr. thornhill see you at home ? ''constance says, slowly turning her desk chair to face me, a weird expression on her face. `` um, well, i'm his stepdaughter. he just married my mom . ''constance gasps and buries her face in her hands. `` oh my god, oh my god, i'm so fired. i'm fired, right ? ''`` what? no! i don't have that kind of authority, i'm just an intern, like you . ''`` you're the boss's daughter, and i was just gossiping about him ! ''`` step-daughter, and i get it. if i'd heard rumors like that, i might want to warn other women i work with, too . ''`` but i don't even know if they're true, i'm so sorry, '' she says miserably.

`` really, it's ok. and i'm sorry that i didn't tell you earlier that i'm his stepdaughter. i just ... you know, didn't want it to seem like it was the only reason i got the internship. i mean, i really do work very hard . ''`` of course you do! of course. yes. i should get back to work, '' constance says, turning to her computer and beginning to type rapidly. `` ... and now i'm worried she's going to keep acting really weird around me, '' i confide to allison over a caesar salad at clyde's on m street. `` do you think it's true ? ''she whispers, leaning over the table between us. `` i don't know ... i mean, maybe he was just a flirt, and it got blown out of proportion, you know ? ''`` i bet that's what it is, '' allison says, nodding her head sagely. `` who knows how stories like that really get started? and once they're out there, you can't erase them . ''

`` i hope that's what it is ... i don't want to discount some woman 's, or women 's, experience just because it would be inconvenient for me, though, and painful for my mom. she would be so crushed if it were true . ''`` i wouldn't worry about it. and that girl said they were old stories, right ? ''`` right . ''`` and you said he treats your mom well, so i bet they're just ugly rumors . ''`` yeah, yeah, '' i reply, pushing the thought of pierce's alleged misbehavior to the back of my brain. `` how's the place you're staying at george washington ? ''i ask, knowing she's taking advantage of a program at the nearby university to give summer interns a low-cost place to stay in an otherwise expensive city. `` it's fine. my roommate's kinda loud, though. how's your new house ? ''`` it's so big! i don't know why anyone would need that much space. i mean before my mom and i got there, it was just for two people. well, three, including the maid . ''`` there's a maid ? ! ''`` there was.

she doesn't live there anymore. oh, and there's all this flagstone on it, so i thought it was old, but my mom said that pierce had the house built around fifteen years ago. he must have spent a lot of money to make something so new look worn-in . ''`` you're lucky, '' allison says. `` i know . ''`` how's the stepbrother? i don't know if i could live with a dumb jock . ''`` well, nate's not dumb. i've been in a few classes with him, and he's really smart. he was even waitlisted for a lawn room . ''`` you're a little defensive of him, '' allison observes, sipping her water. `` yeah, i guess so. i don't know why though. he's been playing these weird mind games with me . ''`` mind games ? ''she repeats, frowning. i push a crouton around my plate as i think about how much to tell her. i have a feeling it's not the kind of situation she'd condone, but i also really want to talk to someone about what's been going on. `` well, you remember that i used to have a crush on him ? ''

`` yeah, i remember you saying something about it sophomore year . ''`` i ... i still have a crush on him. or i think i do ... i don't know. i'm definitely attracted to him, and he's aware of the fact. he can be really rude, and then last night, he almost kissed me, but he ... '' `` whoa, what? i mean, brynn, he's your stepbrother . ''`` i know! but only for the last few weeks, and- '' `` ok ... but what if you did kiss? what then? you'd have to see him every day, because your mom and his dad are married. and then even if you weren't living together, what about holidays? you'd be cutting the thanksgiving turkey and sitting across from the guy you'd made out with ... for every thanksgiving . ''`` ugh, you're right, '' i reply, dropping my fork and covering my face with my hands. this is why i didn't want to tell allison-she'd throw logic in the face of my hormones. but the truth is, she's right. i feel like a bucket of cold water has just been poured over my head. `` you're right, '' i repeat.

`` i can't believe i even let it get this far . ''i head back to the office after lunch and spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in an awkward silence with constance. i try to get her to engage about online shopping, but she only offers me one-word responses. later in the day i meet another intern named greg, a cute, strawberry-blonde guy who blushes when i look him in the eye. he is more the kind of person i should be looking to date. i just wish i felt that same rush that i do whenever i'm around nate. i drive home just after six in the old audi that was just sitting in the thornhill's garage. it's definitely the most expensive car i've ever driven, and it's fun to really let out the engine on the short stretch of the beltway on my way back to potomac. i park in the garage and let myself in to the small anteroom off the kitchen, where i kick off my shoes. `` mom ? ''i call out, before spotting her outside on the back lawn, talking on the phone as the sun sets behind her.

i head upstairs with my tote bag still over my shoulder. the huge house is silent as i walk up the steps and down the hallway. nate must still be at his internship. my mom told me he got one at some think tank downtown. i drop my bag as i walk into my bedroom and push the door almost closed behind me with my foot. i can't wait to get this skirt off. it's my one pencil skirt, and it's a little itchy around my waist. i step into the bathroom and turn on the elegant faucet in the sink. i tie my hair behind my head with a loose elastic and splash some cool water on my skin. first days are always exhausting, but i think today was unusually so. as i look back up to my reflection, dripping with water, i see something move in the mirror. i stare at it blankly, not understanding what i'm seeing. the mirror above the sink is reflecting the mirror above my vanity in the bedroom, which is in turn reflecting an image from my partially open bedroom door. it's nate, i realize.

he's standing outside my door, and he doesn't realize i can see him. i look down at the sink, pretending to watch the last of the water as it swirls down the drain. a shiver of excitement runs through me at the idea that nate could actually be interested in me-i mean, he's there, right now, watching me. before i process what i'm doing, before i can think of all the reasons not to, i slowly move my hands to my lower back and undo the clasp at the top of the zipper, then unzip my skirt. i let it fall in a pile at my feet, then step out of it. i look up carefully and nate is still there in the double reflection. allison's warning echoes through my mind but i keep going. i feel high, high on the feeling that i'm actually desired. i catch hold of the back of my rather shapeless blouse in my hands and pull it up over my head, then toss it onto the floor.

as i look back in the mirror, i try to imagine what someone else might see when they look at me, without my constant negative interior monologue telling me nasty things about myself. do i have the kind of body that someone like nate could find attractive? now down to my bra and underwear, i begin to feel nervous, but i reach up to unclasp my bra. i feel the straps loosen on my shoulders and bring my hands forward to catch it as it falls. `` brynn? you home ? ''i hear my mom call from the foyer. i freeze, holding the bra against my breasts. i glance up. nate is gone. `` yup, i'm home ! ''i yell back. `` i saw your shoes! i'm coming up-i want to hear all about your first day . ''i hear her footsteps on the staircase and hurriedly refasten my bra. nothing like your mom's voice to kill your libido. chapter eight the next couple weeks of my new life seem to pass rather quickly, mostly due to the fact that nate is always out with his friends after work, and our run-ins have been few and far between.

i've settled into a routine of sorts, even if i still don't feel like i'm at home here. i'd gone to bed early last night, with the intention of sleeping in this morning before visiting museums with allison later in the day. however a loud noise from downstairs awakens me-i stare bleary eyed at my alarm clock, it's only 6:15am. who'd be awake this early on a saturday morning? i get out of bed and tiptoe to my door. i open it a little and hear something shuffling around downstairs. i tiptoe out into the hallway and see everyone's bedroom doors are closed. i know there's an alarm system-i had to memorize the passcode. maybe an ungainly mouse is exploring? i creep down the staircase and through the dining room. the noises sounded like they were coming from the kitchen. the swinging door is open, and i peak my head around it, my heartbeat blasting in my ears. suddenly, nate steps out in front of me. `` fuck ! ''he exclaims, and i jump back, startled. `` oh, god, i thought you were a burglar . ''

`` then you should have called 911, '' he retorts brusquely, turning his back to me and walking to the island. `` well, you should be glad i didn't . ''sheesh, does he have to find something wrong with everything i say? `` what are you doing up so early anyway ? ''`` i was just working out . ''`` wow. this early ? ''i ask, moving around him. he's fiddling with something in front of him. `` yeah, every morning. i need to stay in shape during the off-season . ''`` i'd be exhausted if- '' i break off, as i see blood dripping from his palms onto the granite countertop. `` oh my god, you're bleeding ! ''i gasp. `` yeah, i just can't get this fucking tape to ... '' he struggles to wind a bandage around his palm. `` let me, '' i say, spying a first aid kit on the counter by the window. from the blood smeared on it, i can see nate's already gone through it. `` you don't have to, '' he protests. `` come over here. the light's better, '' i instruct him. `` do you know what you're doing ? ''

he asks, less than thrilled to accept my help. `` more than you, '' i reply with a smile, nodding at the mess of tape around his palm. i wash my hands in the sink and then open up the kit. i take a pair of surgical scissors and cut off the tape that he's already applied. i glance up slightly, and for the first time it hits me that he's shirtless, wearing only a pair of gym shorts and sneakers. he's covered in sweat. `` how'd this happen ? ''`` i over-trained a little. got dizzy, tripped on a rock and held out my hands to break my fall, '' he replies, eyes downcast as he watches me work. `` over-training for what? lacrosse or crew ? ''i ask as i pull out a piece of gauze and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. `` both. either, '' he murmurs. `` this is going to sting, '' i warn him, as i pat the gashes on his hands with the soaked gauze. he hisses slightly as the liquid stings him, but doesn't move. i slide my other hand under his, to stabilize it as i cleanse the wound of dirt.

i've never touched him this long before. `` other hand . ''he switches hands and i go to work cleaning the other one. `` maybe you should take a little time off from training, '' i suggest quietly. `` or i could just work out my leg muscles, '' he says, and i look up to see a wry grin on his face. `` mmm, '' i murmur, smiling too. `` you know, '' i go on, a bit more bravely, `` i heard that only one varsity athlete got a lawn room, because sports are such a time commitment, much less a two-sport athlete- '' `` don't do that, '' he grunts. `` i don't want your pity . ''`` it's not pity, it's facts . ''`` i was born with everything, i have no excuse for not achieving my all of goals . ''`` where did you hear that? it sounds like- '' i break off, feeling him stiffen under my touch. i was going to say his father but i can tell he doesn't want me to go there. `` you're just really hard on yourself, that's all, '' i say instead. i gently dab some neosporin onto the cuts.

`` i know what everyone sees when they look at me, '' he replies quietly. `` entitled ... born with a silver spoon in my mouth ... i work as hard as i do so that no one can say i succeed because of my family's wealth . ''i frown. that's half of the equation i think, but it seems like he doesn't see how hard his father pushes him. `` i got a little bit of that at work the other day, '' i say, wondering if it's ok to broach the topic of the internship he wanted. i take a dry piece of gauze and cover his palm with it before picking up the tape and beginning to wrap it around his hand. `` when they found out i was pierce's stepdaughter, i mean. feels weird . ''`` your first experience of nepotism ? ''`` yeah, '' i say with a smile. `` actually, my mom once got me a part-time job as the receptionist at the salon where she used to work, so i guess that's not true . ''`` where does your dad work ? ''`` no idea. probably a repair shop somewhere. he's a mechanic, or he was.

last time we heard from him was several years ago. he was in florida then, but he never stays in one place very long . ''`` so you're the first in your family to go to college, '' he observes, as i finish taping one hand and move to the other. `` yep . ''`` is that why you're so serious ? ''`` am i ? ''i ask, my eyes moving up to his. `` serious isn't the right word ... distant, maybe . ''`` distant? that's worse, '' i reply, feeling a little hurt. `` i didn't mean to insult you. i'm just trying to figure you out. we were really in class together? which one ? ''`` there were three. the first was this american history survey class freshman year . ''`` professor michaels ? ''`` yeah. i always sat behind you, though. i'm not surprised you didn't see me, '' i say, pressing down slightly as i finish wrapping his hands. `` i am, '' he replies. i glance up sharply, but his eyes aren't focused on my face. they're looking at my body, which i now realize is quite exposed in my thin, white cotton nightie.

i completely forgot i was wearing it. there's a moment of silence, and i suddenly become very aware of every inch of myself, and every inch of him. his smell of sweat, beads of it still dripping forward down his chest, through a smattering of hair between his nipples. allison's face appears in my mind, and i'm reminded of what she said. `` i'm done . ''`` what ? ''he says, his eyes pulling up to mine. `` with your hands. i'm done . ''`` right . ''i grab a glass from the cabinet and pour him some water from the faucet. `` here, you felt dizzy because you're dehydrated . ''`` thanks, '' he says. he reaches for the glass with his left hand, which is closer, and then pauses and takes it awkwardly with his right. `` what was that ? ''i ask, frowning. `` what ? ''`` let me see your left arm, '' i reply, reaching for him, but he pulls back. `` no, no, it's nothing . ''`` what is ? ''`` my shoulder. it's just a little tendonitis . ''`` oh really? did a doctor tell you that ? ''`` not exactly . ''`` webmd ? ''

i ask, raising my eyebrows. he shrugs, then winces. `` you need to take better care of yourself. you can't keep pushing yourself so hard . ''he frowns, and doesn't respond. `` well, at least take some tylenol for the pain, '' i add as i pour two pills into my hand and begin to repack the first aid kit with the other. `` that's ok. '' i tilt my head at him. `` pain isn't going to make you heal any faster, '' i point out. `` fine, '' he says with a little smile. i blush as his fingertips scrape my palm as he takes the pills. `` well. i think i'm going back to bed. i'm supposed to check out some of the smithsonian museums later, so ... '' i trail off, feeling awkward now. `` ok, see you later, '' he says, turning toward the back door. i pause for a moment, then head back toward the staircase. just like that, the one real conversation that my stepbrother and i have ever had is over. i could practically feel him closing back up at the end there. i climb the steps and shut my bedroom door behind me.

i feel more confused now than ever about our relationship. i didn't think it could get any weirder after that peep show i gave him, but somehow this candid glimpse of him makes things even more complicated. i close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep, but when my alarm goes off at ten, i'm still wide awake. chapter nine the humidity is really starting to thicken by the middle of june, and it's a wonder that i haven't taken advantage of our pool yet. the only swimsuit i have is an old athletic one-piece, and i pull it on reluctantly in my bedroom. my mom keeps asking me if i want to go shopping, but i haven't taken her up on it yet. all her new clothes look wonderful but i think i'd feel uncomfortable spending so much money on myself. i head down the hallway and almost bump into nate as he leaves his bedroom. i reflexively cross my hands over my chest, even though i know he's seen me in less. `` hey, '' i say. `` hey, '' he replies.

it's the same conversation we've had ever since i saw him in the kitchen that morning. we quickly slipped into polite, but formal, interactions with each other afterward. if i had to choose between this and the mind games we started out with, i might choose the mind games. the doorbell rings and i start to move past him to answer it. `` it's ok i'll get it. it's my friend jackson . ''he walks down the hallway toward the stairs. i follow after him, and turn toward the backyard once we're in the foyer. i hear his friend walk in just as i exit the french doors. there's a chest set against the house with the outdoor towels in it, so i grab one and set it on a chair. the area around the pool it is paved with light stones before it turns into grass, and lounge chairs and a table with an umbrella are carefully set around it. i turn to the pool and step gingerly onto the first step in the shallow end. it's nice-warm, but still refreshing in the hot summer day.

i step down the rest of the way until the water circles around my stomach, and then dive forward. i swim to the other end, where the water gets darker and deeper, then push off and glide onto my back. i open my eyes as i push the water past me with my hands and look up toward the house rising against the sun on my left. a flash of movement in the second floor window grabs my attention. there's a figure moving there, pulling a curtain aside. at first i think it's nate-it's his room, i think-but then i catch a glimpse of blonde hair. must be his friend jackson. i turn onto my stomach and dive back under the water. i want nate to be the one watching me. i was never much into sports, but i've always wondered if i'd be any good at them. i push harder for the last couple laps and finally pull my head up at the shallow end, gasping for breath. i take the steps back out of the pool and walk around to my towel and dry off my hair, then drape it onto the chair and lay down on it.

i can feel the suit clinging to my torso, and water sitting in my belly button. i hear the door to the house open behind me and shield my eyes from the sun as i turn around to see who it is. jackson bounds out of the door, his face spread in a genial grin. `` hey, you must be brynn. i'm jackson, one of nate's oldest friends . ''`` nice to meet you, '' i say as we shake hands. i notice nate lagging behind, standing just outside the door and looking reluctant to put another foot toward the pool. `` come on, man, let's get in. i've been dreaming about this pool for days . ''`` we shouldn't bother her, she likes to be alone, '' nate says reluctantly. jackson pulls off his shirt, and i look down at my interlaced fingers in my lap. he's got a great body. maybe not as good as nate 's, but whose is? jackson kicks off his flip-flops and jumps in, his splash narrowly missing me. nate slowly walks toward the chair furthest from me, and takes off his shirt.

i watch his back muscles tense as he lifts it off his head. `` nate and i grew up playing lacrosse together, '' jackson says, swimming to the edge of the pool and leaning his elbows onto the deck in front of me. `` hm? oh, '' i reply, as nate dives in the deep end. `` so you guys go to school together ? ''`` yup. uva-i mean, of course you knew that . ''`` which sorority are you in ? ''he asks, pushing his wet hair out of his eyes. `` i'm not. it's expensive, and i'm already pretty busy with work. um, where do you go ? ''nate pops up next to jackson. they make quite a pair, nate with his dark eyes and jackson with his light blonde locks. `` you wan na get some food now ? ''nate asks. `` dude we just got here. besides, you're not supposed to eat for thirty minutes after you swim . ''`` before, '' nate and i both chime in. we glance at each other as he continues. `` you're not supposed to eat for thirty minutes before. why wouldn't it be ok to eat after you swim ? ''

`` i dunno, '' jackson replies, flashing me a blindingly white smile. `` just thought that was the rule . ''i find myself smiling back at him. he has a boyish charm that's infectious. `` i'm pretty sure that's a myth adults made up so they'd have time to eat their own lunch without the kids swimming unsupervised . ''i smile. `` ah that makes more sense. you grow up around here ? ''he asks me. `` yeah, on the eastern shore . ''`` oh, sweet. my family has a vacation house there. i love going out there. sailing in the bay and everything. you go sailing a lot ? ''`` um, not really, '' i reply. nate kicks off the wall and begins to swim back and forth behind jackson. i guess he's decided not to take it easy on his injured shoulder. `` we should go some time. maybe not with him, '' he replies, nodding behind him. `` too competitive . ''`` he is, isn't he ? ''it feels nice to be able to talk about nate with someone who knows him. and who will gossip. `` was he always like that ? ''`` oh man, always.

we're like, ten years old, playing lacrosse on our school team, and coach was constantly having to pull him back during practice 'cause he was always going full out, full contact . ''he and i laugh together. i notice nate pause in his stroke, but i can't imagine he can hear us. `` do you still play lacrosse ? ''`` naw, i don't really have the discipline to keep up with it. i was good in high school, but you have to be great to cut it in college. what sport do you play ? ''`` oh, none . ''`` really? you look like you're so in shape . ''`` oh, thanks, '' i reply, managing to only blush a bit. from anyone else it would have seemed like a ham-fisted compliment, but jackson has such a natural, easygoing way about him. `` you going to this party in georgetown tonight ? ''he asks, dunking his head briefly underneath the water, then shaking off his hair like a dog. `` what party ? ''`` oh, i figured nate told you . ''`` told her what ? ''nate asks, appearing next to him.

`` 'bout chris's party, '' jackson replies nonchalantly. nate's jaw muscles twitch. `` hadn't mentioned it, '' he replies shortly. `` well, you should come, '' jackson says, turning back to me. `` she's not going to know anyone, and i think it's just gon na be a small thing, '' nate says. `` dude, chris said to invite anyone. they've got the whole townhouse. it's gon na be great . ''`` i just- '' nate begins, as i bite my lip. here i thought we were maybe getting along better, despite the awkwardness, and now he's going out of his way to exclude me. `` if you're worried about being a third wheel, just invite dana or someone, '' jackson says, though even when he's arguing, he doesn't seem to have a care in the world. `` so, what do you think ? ''he asks me. `` sounds great, actually, '' i say, glancing at nate, feeling a bit gratified as he glares at me. it feels good to spite him a little, since he so clearly doesn't want me to go. `` awesome. tonight then.

we can go together-i'll pick you guys up around ten, '' jackson says, before jumping on top of nate and trying to wrestle him under the water. i close my eyes as they disappear. for the first time in a while, i wish i had something cute to wear. chapter ten in the end, i have to go with the same black top i wore to that crew party. it's really my only top suitable for a party, i think. besides, nate's the only one who's seen me in it, and i doubt he remembers. my mom excitedly waves goodbye as nate and i walk out to jackson's green suv. she is so thrilled that i might have a social life that it's embarrassing. jackson opens up the front passenger door for me and nate slides in back. `` we picking up dana ? ''jackson asks as we pull away. `` it's natasha tonight. and she's meeting us there, '' nate answers from the back seat. i guess i'm relieved, because i don't think i could look dana in the eye after seeing her and nate having sex by the pool.

`` oh, fuck, natasha, of course, '' jackson says, laughing and hitting the steering wheel. i frown a little. i guess it's par for the course for my stepbrother. jackson picks up most of the slack in the conversation, and the radio does the rest. i'm too nervous and stuck in my head, thinking of what i should say, while nate mumbles one word responses from the back. i'm relieved when we find a parking space on the street near the party. as we walk toward the riotous townhouse, i'm surprised the neighbors haven't already called the cops. people are spilling out the front door and i can hear the music halfway down the block. there's a pretty olive-skinned girl standing on the curb who turns her head as nate calls out, `` natasha ! ''she smiles coyly as we walk up. nate dips her in a jokingly romantic manner and plants a kiss on her lips as she breaks out into giggles. `` come on, '' jackson says, draping an arm around my shoulders protectively and escorting me inside.

he high-fives a few guys as we walk in, and he guides me to a keg in the middle of the living room, which is strung with little white christmas lights. there's an impenetrable crowd around it but somehow he manages to snag me a beer, and before i know it i'm taking my first sip of the summer. with his hand on the small of my back, we walk into the next room. the dining room table is being used for a beer pong game, and jackson and i take a seat on a couch nearby. `` you're gorgeous, you know that ? ''jackson whispers in my ear. i'm startled and almost spit out my beer. `` no ... '' i look down, blushing, `` i mean, that's sweet of you to say . ''`` i'd love to see you again after tonight. maybe we could get dinner next weekend, '' he offers. `` oh, sure, '' i reply, feeling flattered. i mean, it does feel a little ... rushed, or something, but i've heard so many stories about guys just wanting to hook up, that it's refreshing to be asked out on an old-fashioned date.

i take a few more sips of my beer as i look around, feeling more comfortable now that i know jackson is really into me. `` hey, i'm going to get another beer, '' i tell jackson, as i drain mine. he jumps up. `` don't worry about it. i'll grab 'em, '' he says, walking confidently into the other room. i watch the ping pong ball as it's thrown back and forth across the table, and jackson is soon back with the beers. he launches into a story about this crazy party he went to back at school, but out of the corner of my eye i notice a couple walking up the stairs at the rear of the room, their hands all over each other, and feel a stab of envy in my chest. i am beyond tired of being a virgin. it's certainly not on purpose that i'm twenty-one and still haven't had sex yet. i guess i just assumed it would happen somehow, without my ever putting any thought into it, and i've never built it up like it's going to be some crazy special thing, either.

i look at jackson out of the corner of my eye as i make quick work of my second beer. maybe nate was right-maybe i am too serious and distant. maybe it would be better if i just got it out of the way. and i bet jackson would be good at it. really, really good at it. plus, he's a decent guy. `` ... don't you think ? ''jackson asks me, leaning in. `` yes, right, '' i reply, even though i spaced out and have no idea what he was talking about. my hair falls in front of my face as i take another sip of beer, and jackson reaches up and tucks it behind my ear. we make eye contact and he leans forward slowly, brushing a soft kiss across my neck. `` want to get out of here ? ''he murmurs into my ear, sending a little shiver down my spine. `` my place is pretty close by, and we'll actually be able to hear ourselves think . ''`` um, yeah, that sounds good, '' i reply, a little nervously. jackson stands and offers me his hand. i place mine in his and he leads me out toward the front.

we pass nate on the way, with his arms wrapped around natasha and his hands tucked into her back pockets. `` hey man, we're taking off. you think you can find another ride ? ''jackson asks. `` what do you mean? you're both leaving ? ''nate asks, frowning. `` yup, we're going back to my place, dude, '' jackson replies. `` you cool for a ride ? ''`` yeah, come here for a second, '' nate says, his eyes flicking back and forth between us. he takes jackson's arm and pulls him toward a screen door in the back. `` not you, '' he says to me, as i begin to follow. i bristle at his tone. they disappear out back and i look after them, my mouth open in shock and annoyance. i can't believe the way nate talks to me sometimes. so dismissively. i exchange a polite smile with natasha, who is now looking around the party aimlessly, clearly bored without nate. screw nate. i'll do whatever the hell i please, and i want to know what he's saying.

i brush past natasha, push open the screen door and walk into the small, fenced-in backyard. there are fewer people out here, but there's still a crowd. i can just see nate and jackson talking in a back corner. i weave my way through the people, keeping my head down so they don't notice me. i take out my phone so i look like i'm doing something other than eavesdropping, and sidle into the group nearest to them. i can just overhear what they're saying. `` why, do you want her nate ? ''jackson asks angrily. my eyes widen. `` fuck no, she's my stepsister. it's just weird, that's all. you two. she's not your type . ''i feel a stab of pain at the finality of nate's words. `` she's gorgeous, '' i hear jackson reply. `` you think she's gorgeous ? ''nate says, beginning to laugh. `` seriously? dude, come on. besides, she's a fucking buzz kill . ''i don't want to hear any more. i can already feel angry tears building up behind my eyes. i'm so stupid.

why do i keep giving nate the benefit of the doubt, when he is so clearly such an asshole? i walk quickly back inside, through the living room, and out to the street. i turn toward the left, where i can see a busier street, and hustle toward it. i know it's going to be a pricey cab ride back to the house, but i feel like i'm about to explode into a puddle of tears. and i don't want to give nate the satisfaction of seeing me cry. chapter eleven i breathe in as deeply as possible and hold it, counting to ten before exhaling as slowly as i can, trying to rid myself of the hurt feeling that followed me home from the party. it's a trick i learned to control my anxiety, and to say that i'm anxious right now would be an understatement. i can't remember the last time i heard someone talk about me like that, though i suppose it's partially my fault for eavesdropping. i finally start to feel calm enough to go to sleep, and reach to turn off my bedside lamp. a rush of footsteps up the stairs makes me pause.

i sit up a bit as they continue down the hallway toward my bedroom. a second later, my bedroom door bursts open and nate walks in, his face dark with anger. `` you're in bed? you've got ta be fucking kidding me. that was really selfish of you to run off without telling anyone, you know that ? ''he spits at me, then turns around and walks out. i'm frozen in shock for a moment. what the hell was that? what does he have to be mad at me for? i leap out from under my covers and march out of my bedroom just in time to stop him from shutting his door. he swings around as i charge into his room. `` i'm selfish? you are just ... you are just ... '' i stumble in my anger, trying to think of the right word. `` yeah, you're selfish, brynn! i looked around that party for you for thirty minutes! i thought you might have been kidnapped! i almost called the cops ! ''`` wait ... what ? ''i reply, completely thrown. `` ever heard of a text message ? ''he asks, his voice laden with sarcasm.

`` yes, i've heard of a text message ! ''man, i wish i were better at arguing. `` hey, wait a second, this isn't about me, this is about you! you're the asshole! i heard what you were saying about me to jackson, i'm not a buzzkill, and maybe i'm not gorgeous, but i'm not some kind of joke, either ! ''i fight back the tears welling in my eyes, more angry than i've ever been in my life. there, that got him. he stands dumbfounded and i seize the opportunity to walk out. just as i'm about to cross the threshold, he reaches around me and closes the door in front of me. i stop short and turn around angrily, almost ready to smack him. he's standing so close to me i'm practically pinned against the door. `` wait, what? how'd you hear that? you followed us outside ? ''`` yes, i followed you, '' i reply, stumbling a bit because i know i was wrong in that regard. `` i was mad because you were obviously trying to stop me from leaving with jackson, and i wanted to know why . ''i take a deep breath.

`` i guess i can't control what you think about me, and that's ... whatever, that's fine, but i don't know why you had to go sharing your opinion with jackson. i mean, am i really that unattractive to you ? ''to my horror, my lower lip starts to tremble. i don't want to cry right now but i can't hold back the tears any longer. `` no ... shit, that's not what ... '' nate says, his eyes widen as a tear slips down my cheek. i furiously brush it away and nate backs up, running his hands through his wavy hair. `` it's not that i don't want jackson to date you, it's that i don't want you to date jackson . ''`` what? that doesn't make any sense, '' i reply, trying to staunch the flow of tears as i tug at my hair. `` jackson's track record with women is pretty bad. they're just conquests to him . ''i cross my arms and frown at him. `` that sounds pretty hypocritical. i mean, the first time we met, you asked me to have a threesome with you and you didn't even know my name . ''

a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. `` ok, that's fair. for the record, you just looked so shocked, and innocent-i couldn't resist. you're right, it's not like i have a great track record either. i guess the difference, in my mind, is that i'm upfront about it. i've never promised a woman a relationship. the girls i sleep with, they know that it's not going anywhere because i tell them that. jackson pulls them in by promising them a future with him, and then as soon as he sleeps with them, he acts like they don't exist . ''`` but you're friends with him ... '' i point out. `` well, he's a good friend. loyal, funny ... '' `` but he sounds like a bad person. i just ...i don't know why you'd want to be friends with a person like that. sorry, maybe i'm just ... '' i shake my head, trying to process this new version of events. `` he did ... what you just said about him does match up with some things he was saying to me. god, i can't believe i fell for it . ''

`` he wasn't always like that, '' nate says quietly, gesturing vaguely to a framed photo sitting on his desk. i glance at it, then walk over to get a closer look. `` oh my god, is that you ? ''i ask, picking it up. it's a class photo from elementary school, three rows of smiling kids with their teacher standing next to them. nate is easy to spot. `` you look so serious, like you're on the way to the office or something . ''nate peers over my shoulder at it, his face an exact reflection of his younger self. `` that was the year my mom left, '' he says quietly. `` oh. oh, i'm sorry. do you ever see her ? ''`` no. she made her choice . ''he pauses for a moment. `` that one's jackson, '' he says, pointing out a grinning towheaded boy. i snort. he had a flirtatious smile even back then. `` i'm sorry you heard me say those things. jackson's the kind of guy who, if you tell him something's off limits, that makes him want it even more. he's never been denied anything.

so i thought it would be better to convince him that he didn't want you in the first place . ''i fiddle with the edge of the frame and then turn to face him. he's standing closer than i thought he was. `` so ... you don't think those things about me ? ''i whisper, feeling suddenly vulnerable. `` no, the exact opposite, really, '' he replies, equally softly. `` brynn you are gorgeous . ''there's a charged moment between us. i can't rip my gaze away from his eyes. i realize he's moving forward ever so slowly, and my lips automatically part, my body taking over from my brain. every inch of my skin tingles, and i suddenly feel brave-a completely different reaction than anything i've ever felt being this close to jackson. just before his mouth touches mine, i close my eyes. as our lips come together, an exquisite feeling rushes through me, unlike anything i've ever felt before. his lips graze mine, then return a bit more firmly, guiding me into a kiss.

i've been kissed by a handful of guys over the years, but this kiss is something else. nate is something else. his hands wrap around my waist and slide to the small of my back as his lips crush against mine. all my thoughts evaporate, all my worries and insecurities-maybe it's that i can tell he knows exactly what he's doing, and so i can let myself go, trust myself in his hands. he nudges me slightly with his nose and his lower lip brushes against mine. i almost gasp as i feel his tongue move smoothly into my mouth. electricity flies straight from my mouth to the base of my hips. i press my tongue against his as my hands move of their own accord up to his chest. i lay my palms against his pecs and feel his racing heartbeat under his rapidly rising and falling chest. it's my first hint that there's something else hiding under his completely confident exterior. his tongue moves deeper into my mouth, and his hands pull me close against his body.

i wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through the hair falling onto the collar of his polo. i can feel his erection pushing against my stomach as he slides one hand over my ass. i want nothing more than to rip my clothes off, jump on his bed, and be ravaged by him ... to feel his mouth all over my body ... inside me ...suddenly he pulls away. i almost fall forward in surprise as my eyes blink open. `` i shouldn't have done that, '' he mutters. `` why ? ''i whisper, falling quickly from my cloud. `` it's wrong ... you're my stepsister. maybe it's best if we just keep our distance from each other . ''`` yeah, you're right ... '' i reply, feeling like he's just slapped me in the face. i walk quickly to the door. i pause before i open it, wishing i could put into words what i'm feeling, but i can't. i open the door and close it softly behind me before rushing to my room. as i curl up under the covers, i try to wrap my mind around all the twists this night has taken.

i can't believe nate and i just kissed. i mean, i've been dreaming about that moment since i first laid eyes on him freshman year. i've found that most things in life don't live up to how i've built them up in my head, but that kiss far surpassed any fantasy. i can feel my body reacting at just the thought of his lips touching mine again. but is he right? was it wrong of us to do that? light is creeping around the sides of my shades by the time i manage to fall asleep, and i still haven't managed to find an answer. chapter twelve nate and i pass the next few weeks as though we're each surrounded by an invisible force field. whenever one of us enters a room, the other is propelled out of it. we're only pushed into close proximity with each other when we have a family dinner, though my mom has been pushing those on us quite frequently in an effort to bond. if she only knew. today, though, nate's and my presence is required at the same event : the thornhill's annual fourth of july party.