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ulx8r8 | 09/05/2022 | 11 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/ulx8r8/i_want_to_be_happy_for_my_mom_but_i_just_cant/ | step child | using a throwaway here.
for backstory, my (15f) mom and dad split about a year and a half ago - and in this year and a half, she wasn’t present in my life for about 8 months of it. she left to go be with her current fiancé and didn’t contact me once, and she didn’t come back into my life until school started, but by that point the damage was done and i had become very emotionally distant. and in this time a lot of anger and resentment festered as well.
i love my mom. a lot. she’s currently engaged to be eventually married to a man with two daughters (15 and 17) who are kind, but i don’t relate to them and can’t connect with them at all. since she’s come back she’s repeatedly ignored me saying that i wasn’t ready to become integrated into her new family in favor of her new step daughters wanting to meet me. she would constantly force me into situations where i had no choice but to interact with them, and all times they seemed to treat me like i was an alien and seemed extremely condescending.
and yesterday, on mother’s day, my mom announced that she’s pregnant with her fiancé’s child. and i’m not happy for her. i want to be, so badly. but i just can’t. because i know the first chance she gets she’ll leave me for this kid just like she did before. she came back into my life and i got used to seeing her again and now i know there’s only two options - she’ll either force me to apart of this kid who i genuinely don’t care about at all’s life, or she’ll ignore me again in favor of the kid.
i don’t know. maybe im being spoiled because i’ve been an only child all my life, but i didn’t mind my soon to be step sisters. they’re nice. but this is all just too much. im scared that she’ll love this kid more than she ever loved me, because i’ve never been exactly well behaved, and this kid will get the happy childhood i never got to have. part of me wants to be apart of my moms new family but they don’t treat me like im family. they treat me like an alien or acquaintance. i want to tell her that i want no part in her new life but another part of me wants my mom to love me as much as she did when i was a kid.
i’m not sure if anyones been in a similar situation before, but any advice to help deal with these feelings would be great. i hate feeling like this | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
z4kiyk | 25/11/2022 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/z4kiyk/my_stepparents_are_driving_me_crazy/ | step child | For background, I (16nb) have divorced parents. My mom (37f) married my stepdad Damon (50m) 4 years ago and my dad (40m) married my stepmom Jacky (36f) 5 years ago. My parents divorced when my sister (13f) we’re four and one.
Damon is an all around rude person. He hasn’t been very accepting of me since I came out as non-binary and will sometimes call me by my dead name. My mom has been extremely supportive and tries to put him in his place but it doesn’t help. Damon also still calls me ‘his boy’ even though I’m not a boy and I’m not his son.
Jacky has always tried to get me to call her mom and just in general be ‘my mom’ and either live with her and my dad full time or just stop seeing my mom. Jacky is better than Damon but she still drives me nuts. She is pregnant and tells me how I should call her mom so I don’t confuse my baby sibling and stuff. On the other hand she has been very accepting of me being non binary and has shown that she loves me but I think she is just overly pushy with it.
I do have good days with Damon sometimes and before I came out he was kind of a nice guy, but after I came out he has been this way but he clearly loves my mom and says he cares about me and my sister like his own but I’m not sure.
Just needed a place to vent but any advice would be appreciated. Hope anyone reading this has a good day. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
vetdxs | 17/06/2022 | 10 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/vetdxs/im_jealous_of_my_stepmom_and_i_just_want_my/ | step child | Hi. I am honestly at my wit's end and I need help getting my mind sorted out and my priorities straight. Here's my story, sorry it's a bit long.
So I grew up with no Mom. It was just me and my Dad and my younger brother. They're all I knew. We spent weekdays in foster care and weekends with him. It was an awesome time for me. Of course I would rather have lived with him but we were very little and I understood the necessity for him to work n such. On the weekends, he took a lot of time to play with us and I felt like he was present. In fact, I was a total Daddy's girl and he was my world. I felt like we were a dream team. Sure, we lacked someone, but I didn't care. The foster family was great, and the rest of it, we made work.
That is until one day he opened the door and introduced his girlfriend to us. I was 5 and shocked to the core. He hadn't told us that he was dating, and I realized that apparently, there was no dream team from his perspective because there was a whole adult dimension to him that he didn't bother to tell me about. I felt betrayed because they clearly had been dating for a while, and I immediately disliked her because although she was decent, she felt emotionally unavailable and more interested in my Dad.
Welp, a while after that he asked us kids if he could marry her, and I said Yes because if he felt he needed a romantic relationship, I wanted him to be happy. I certainly didn't need her. I hoped it wouldn't change anything between us. But then they got married and I stepped back to give them privacy...like, I had used to crawl into his bed on Sunday mornings for example, and just cuddle with him, and I immediately stopped doing that bc I was afraid of walking into something awkward. All of the other things that I considered "our thing", aka my whole alone time with him, stopped. And he didn't seem to miss it at all. He gave all his time to her now. Then my brother started to call her Mom, and I thought: Traitor. And I thought to myself "oh well, she's not going to go away ever again, they're already married, she's going to be part of our life forever, so I might as well call her Mom too so I don't look like an asshole", even though I felt deeply uncomfortable about it.
By the time I was 7 I wanted to tell my Dad that I missed him and that I didn't want to share him with his wife and that I felt excluded, and then BOOM. They announced a baby. And that's when I realized that "shit, they started to completely live this family without me. They went ahead and did their adult thing and made their happy adult plans, all while I was wondering how to tell him." I didn't know another baby would ever be on the table when they married. I didn't see that coming at all, it was another shock. And I felt like I should have said smth sooner, and I felt incredibly stupid for thinking that they would be considerate of me. And so I felt forgotten, and replaced, because again they hadn't asked for my permission before they had this baby, and now it was too late to do anything. They had literally started a new family and didn't give a shit about how I felt. To be fair, I never told them. I did this for my Dad's happiness. I withdrew deeply into myself and vanished and gave them their space, because apparently I wasn't important anymore and I deserved it for letting it happen.
Fast forward through my teen years, and I'm starting to ask about my bioMom. My Dad tells me she was severly mentally ill, but she was also a real bitch, and she committed suicide and he blames her for leaving him alone with two kids. And I'm thinking "oh great, now I don't even have a bioMom to be proud of". I ask more about her. My Dad refuses because he prefers his new life. I start to identify a lot with her and want to hear positive things as I have to fully take care of myself emotionally and I'm looking for guidance. I'm suspecting that I'm a lot like her, but I'm also ashamed of her because of all the negative stuff that I'm discovering. Physically, I am her striking image. My Dad tells me it's been 20 years, I shouldn't nag him anymore and should stop living in the past.
I miss her because I miss him. To me, this isn't in the past. I have had no Mom, I'm half her which looks bad, I'm jealous as hell of my Stepmom, and I want my Dad to speak positively about my bioMom so I can have a more stable identity. Instead, he tore through my childhood back then without warning. He happily traded our good relationship for a romantic relationship that did close to nothing for me and now he even refuses to give me a positive image of my Mom and a shread of self-worth as a woman. He's shit-talking about her and wants to forget her.
I am 25 now and struggling to build my own life. Getting distance from my Dad has helped tremendously with getting a hang of what I actually want. I admit that I'm still wildly jealous of my Stepmom. For some reason I feel entitled to my Dad's affection as I assumed we shared our grief for a wonderful wife and mother who had sadly passed away too soon. This was never true from his perspective, but it was my first identity and frankly, I think, what any child deserves. I felt like he should have honored my Mom and shared his life with me as I'm his oldest, responsible daughter who dearly loves him, and who was ready to live with the sacrifice. I was also there first. Instead, he redirected the entire family vibe into something that has never felt like home to me. My brother, however, feels fine with it. We haven't talked about all of this and sadly, it drove us apart.
To this day, I can't work because of impostor syndrome that came bc seems like I wasn't even good enough to keep my own Dad from remarrying. The jealousy is still eating me up and I don't trust anyone else emotionally enough to back me up yet. I'm building strong relationships, but those take time and in the meantime, loneliness causes me to be addicted to things. I'm also completely burnt out, spending all my energy still trying to find a way to reconnect with my Dad, because I believe in his good intentions (I respect to a certain point that he got hurt too) and I am admittedly slow to give up. This is getting dangerous as child support will fall away soon and I'm still in the process of getting an academic degree. But I can't just lose him to a pathetic sob story guys. I can't lose him.
Here's my question: To what extent did I have the right to speak into my father's life at 4-6 years old? Is it my fault to be this possessive of him? From my perspective, he was all we had. Then he threw our existing family away and caused me to be unhappy til I moved out. From his perspective, he got himself a new wife and a new Mom for us kids because he couldn't do it alone. To him, the past is long gone and I shouldn't worry about it. Technically, I'm an adult now and should be able to get over it.
But I can't seem to let go. If I'm in the wrong, help me and tell me how to rid myself of that terrible jealousy. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to play second/third fiddle in his life either because I deserve to be put first by someone. I'm still telling myself he's all I have because I have never dated before and although I have good friends now, I'm afraid to solely rely on them as my support network. I'm this () close to break ties with him altogether because the whole thing's exhausting but why should I if he meant well? I want him to walk me down the isle one day as the dream team that we used to be, but he has this completely distorted view of the happy family he built, denying that we are blended and all, which clashes with my own view. I can't live like this. I lowkey like my Stepmom, but I need them both to at least acknowledge my bioMom as having existed and as a good person who got hurt too.
I want our old relationship back but he made his choice: New wife over me. I represent the old. The thing is, if I let him go, I'll be alone and orphaned for good (he broke all contact with the relatives from my bioMom's side, and tbh I have no desire to go looking for them). Rent is due in a month, and I had so hoped to be married by now. But I'm not dating bc nobody deserves to be burdened with problems this huge from their partner. I'd like to deal with my crap first and build a healthy family later. Thoughts? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
zekn19 | 06/12/2022 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/zekn19/my_stepmom_is_getting_remarried_to_a_woman_and_i/ | step child | For context I (15m) have known my (step)mom (40f) for most of my life. My real mom died giving birth to me and my dad married her when I was four. She then adopted me and my dad died when I was ten. Now my stepmom has gotten engaged to Christina (45f) and they will be getting married in February.
My stepmom asked me to walk her down the aisle saying how I’m her son and that she loves me more than life and how it would mean so much to her. I love her but I just don’t know how to feel. Christina has been really nice to me but I’m not sure if I am supposed to let her be another mom to me or if I should start calling her momma or something.
I just don’t know what to feel and I want a great relationship with her but I just don’t know how to do it. Internet strangers please help me. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
14hwrrf | 24/06/2023 | 18 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/14hwrrf/why_do_i_physically_feel_weird_around_my/ | step child | My stepdad moved in about 9 months ago. im a 23F. My mom has had 2 boyfriends live with us in the past. I never felt any weirdness with them. its been about 4-5 years that nobody lived with me and my mom.
Not sure why i feel physically weird around this new guy. i dont talk to him unless necessary. i hate when he is at home when im home (i just stay in my room). i hate that i hear a voice in my head telling me to cover up when i wear shorts or im braless. i hate when he pets my cat. when i come home from the gym in my leggings, i immediately run to my room. once i was doing yoga in the living room and he decided to make breakfast, ive never felt more pissed. i felt so uncomfortable being in the same space, i paused my session and continued in my room.
hes never done or said anything malicious but the feeling i get around him is unnerving at times. i feel like ive lost all the freedom and liberty in my own home, it feels invasive. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
mb2c1h | 23/03/2021 | 11 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/mb2c1h/feeling_resentment_from_sp/ | step child | Does anyone else feel like their SP never wanted them around? I have lurked on the r/stepparent sub and sometimes sees posts saying that I can’t stand my step child. However I am always polite and never show it.
I tend to be very observant and more empathetic than others. So I can pick up these cues easily. I would than internalize it and think it is all my fault.
I was wondering if others growing up had the same issue. Your SP wasn’t out right rude but you could feel they were guarded around you.
I don’t always blame them but in general don’t think they understand that even if they do all the caring for a child that needs to be done but you hold yourself back because you can’t stand the kid than the child will still realize you don’t like them.
I understand kids can be brats and some just make your life difficult. But if the kid is generally good and you still resent the child why are they in the relationship. The kid doesn’t understand why you don’t like them. They think it is their fault.
Is there a way for the kid not to feel this way and the SP to also be disengaged and only support the bio parent? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
15yv558 | 23/08/2023 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/15yv558/my_dad_is_gone_my_stepmoms_house_doesnt_feel_like/ | step child | I (18F) have always had separated parents. I have my biological mother in one home and my father who married my stepmother (we will call her Amanda) 15 years ago. Obviously I don’t remember the wedding. Amanda has always been in my life. For a good while, until I was 9, I lived with my dad and Amanda on the weekends. Living there in that house on (Let’s call it Cranberry Road) was part of the best times of my life. Even if I only had my dad Friday through Sunday.
My mom was always poor. She never could afford anything more than what we needed. I never blamed her, I understand her and I understand the situation. But my dad made good money and he was able to make my weekends so much fun.
Skip ahead. Amanda and my dad move to another house on (let’s call it Bloomview Rd) when I exit my 8th grade year. Obviously, I’m crushed. That was my childhood home. I have to go to high school in a completely different environment and have to leave my friends.
I always had mixed feelings about the Bloomview house. It felt more like a house I was living in than a home. And for a time, my space felt like my space. When I turned 14, I decided I wanted to stay with my mom and my dad on equal time since there were no legal agreements. I’d be with my mom one week, then go to my dads for one week. Neither liked this. Not even Amanda. But it was what I wanted and needed for my mental health and my therapist agreed. I felt like a liability. Like I wasn’t welcome because of the back and forth thing.
But as the years go on and I turn 17 and 18, I’m learning of Amanda and my dad’s financial issues, marital problems, mutual plans to one day divorce. And my dad and Amanda are both frustrated they still have to deal with my mom. With me being there on equal time. That I’m not okay with just seeing the woman who gave birth to me sometimes on the weekends after classes. We fought a lot about it. They thought they would be done with me by now. I’d go off to college, live on campus, and they’d be done.
I instead chose a community college which has no dorms, which meant I would still go back and forth between houses as I went to school. They HATED it. Hated that I wouldn’t make a choice. Hated that they weren’t done with me and they couldn’t divorce and dad couldn’t move and do whatever he wanted with other women in his life. It became tense. I’d look around my room and it would just feel cluttered with stuff. All the items in it felt like items that I’d have to pack in a moments notice. I felt like I was at a hotel. I felt so unwelcome. Like it was no longer my home.
Three weeks ago, my father had a severe stroke. It affected his ability to speak, to comprehend, to walk, to swallow. And he hasn’t acknowledged anything since. He’s either slept or stared off into space with his eyes open. He’s in the ICU. He may never ever come home again. Nurses have plans to send him to a nursing home for the rest of his life. I am heartbroken. My heart is torn to shreds. Having them both in my life was so important to me. So important. And my heart hurts so badly not having my daddy. I miss him in so so many ways. I fear never being able to speak with him again. I fear waking up to the phone call that he died. I miss him. I even miss our fights. I miss everything.
I recently started college. Yesterday, actually. And my dad couldn’t see it. I have cried so much my throat hurts.
Amanda recently lost a family member and has been closed off from me. I stayed with her for the two weeks after my dad’s stroke. Background on Amanda: she does not express emotions. She does not express love. She doesn’t express anything except for anger when the time comes. Her only way to be close to me is by watching movies together. Eating out. But we never speak of serious things. She believes I should quit school to take care of my dad and the dog full time. That would ruin my life. But she isn’t happy for me to go to school. She isn’t happy that I refused. She doesn’t care about anything but my dad and the dog. I’m sure she cares for me, but not that much. I’m never on her mind. I feel like I’m always in her space. Bothering her. She resents the love my dad has for me. He loves me more than her and she knows it. So she resents me. She picks on me. My dad isn’t there protect me from her like he always did. So it’s a free for all. Whatever she can say, she will say. She always picked on me, but only when dad was gone. She treats me like I am stupid. Laughs when I don’t know something. She seems to kind of hate me.
My dad, the only homey thing I had on Bloomview Road, is gone. My room and that house and all of the things in it are my stepmom’s. It does not feel comfortable. It feels like a place to breathe. It isn’t my space. I’m taking it up. She’s paying for it. And she doesn’t like me. The only purpose me being there solves is so I can watch the dog when she works on the weekends.
I lost my back and forth routine and I am a creature of habit. So now I’m booted to weekends with her. I’m with mom now. She’s supportive but she makes everything about her all the time. But she’s the best I have right now.
Soon Amanda will be moving somewhere else. She’s looking at apartments. A part of me is excited for the fresh start. But the last remnants of dad’s presence will be gone. I hate being alone with her. She considered moving with a family member, which I was so excited for because I wouldn’t be alone with her, but she decided against it.
I lost my dad. I lost his house. I lost a fundamental part of who I am. And I can’t tell him how sad I am because he is pretty much gone. And Amanda doesn’t care how I feel.
How to I make peace with it? With sitting in that bedroom which isn’t even mine anymore? I know this is a lot to read. But my head is so full that on a path to a stroke myself. Please help. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
11mi92p | 09/03/2023 | 13 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/11mi92p/why_doesnt_anyone_ever_want_to_be_my_mom/ | step child | My real mother didn't want me so she abandoned me and my dad when I was just eight years old. I remember the day she left when I grabbed onto her leg crying and begging her not to leave but all she said was that she never wanted kids and she was sorry she had to do this. The only thing I have from her is a teddy bear she got me the day she left, I guess to try to soften the blow. When I was eleven (I am now 15 btw) my dad married Jenna. I wanted Jenna to be my new mom so badly but she didn't really seem interested. She is nice to me but that is all, nothing else. We never spend time just her and me, nothing at all.
Today I was helping my dad fix our sink and he told me to get his phone. When I grabbed it I saw that Jenna had texted him about how she wanted to take me to a movie tonight because she "wants to improve our relationship" but that I am "hard to connect with". I didn't tell him I saw it, I just gave him his phone and helped him. When Jenna got home later I was in my room and she came in and asked me if I would like to go to the movies with her, I will admit I lost my cool and kind of had a breakdown. I cried and asked her why she never tried to improve our relationship earlier, why am I not good enough, and why no woman ever wants to be my mom. She got silent looked down and just left.
Im now just crying in my bed as I type this while holding my teddy bear and I can hear my dad and Jenna talking downstairs loudly. I just want a mom, is that so awful. Why doesn't anyone ever want to be my mom. Why? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
y0rznh | 10/10/2022 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/y0rznh/my_home_doesnt_feel_like_home_anymore/ | step child | My mom's boyfriend moved in with us a few months ago and it's been...rough. I've never been too big a fan of his, and his living here has made me aware of his true colors, which aren't too pretty. All of that aside, the main issue I'm facing is that my home doesn't feel like home anymore.
My room has always been my sanctuary ever since I can remember. I grew up with three older sisters, so I often played alone and lived in my own little world. I'm not very social either, so my room is where I dwell. My mom made me switch rooms recently so that they could utilize the closet in that room for their stuff. I've rearranged this room several times now; I've moved furniture, added decorations, tried to make it as cozy as I could, and yet, it doesn't feel like mine. I'm no longer comfortable going into the kitchen. I'm only ever in the living room when walking in or out of the house. I leave my room for food or to go to the bathroom, which is common for me, but I no longer feel like I have the freedom to roam around my house comfortably.
My mom's boyfriend also doesn't respect boundaries or privacy, so he just barges into my room whether the door is closed or not. When my parents lived together, I liked having my door open because it was more welcoming (and not as suspicious). But now, it feels like I have to lock my door just to be left alone. I feel like I have to change how I act, what I watch/do, and what I say, because of how judgmental he is. I just no longer feel welcome or at home. I feel trapped in this house and in this town. How can I overcome this feeling? How can I make a new room feel like my own? How can I feel at home in my own house again? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
qs0yd9 | 12/11/2021 | 17 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/qs0yd9/feeling_about_stepmoms_lack_of_affection/ | step child | I have a question for you stepkids out there! :)
How would you feel if your stepmom had a baby with your dad and although she was nice and thoughtful to you, she was never affectionate or sought out your company, but was VERY affectionate, verbally loving, doting, etc. on your (half) sibling/her child? Oh, and if your bio mom wasn’t in the picture at all. Would you feel hurt? Left out? Resentful? Jealous? Wouldn’t care?
Just trying to hear from the “other side”. :) | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
ruc1cw | 02/01/2022 | 7 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/ruc1cw/mourning_the_fact_ill_never_have_a_father/ | step child | I grew up with an abusive step dad and a mom who chose him over me and to stay with him. I tried so hard growing up for him to love me and nothing worked. It hurt seeing him treat my sister (his kid) better than me while he used me like an emotional punching bag.
I wish I had a dad that loved me growing up and the hardest thing I'm dealing with is coping with the fact that my childhood is over and I'll never have a father who loves me. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
majivh | 22/03/2021 | 8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/majivh/what_can_i_do_to_have_a_relation_with_my_dads/ | step child | So my (21F) dad has been married to his wife for some years now, she moved in with us 2010ish and our relationship has been rocky. Not that we fight or anything, just some underlying trust issues and not liking each other.
Personally I think she could've treated me and my brother better. She treated us like we were adults when we were kids and did dumb kid stuff. Yes I can admit that I did some stuff I'm not proud of (like using her shampoo but I did same with my mom's stuff so I didn't think it was that bad), and only times I've apologized I've either been somewhat forced to or geniuenly feel bad/and sorry for her. I'm pretty sure she didn't want more kids or just bad at handling kids (she has a daughter who's 9 years older than me). She has never apologized for anything she has done to me and my brother (she wrote once on fb about me and him) and I don't expect an apology from her anymore. Idk if she's too dumb, proud to realize how she has treated us or if she just thinks she's right. Ik my dad and her have fought a lot when it comes to me and my brother, her thinking dad has brought us up wrong and general opinions in his parenting style. I've developed a loooot of anxiety and I think bad self esteem with time.
Anyways the point is I'm at a point where I want to forgive and forget. Mostly for myself. I don't expect anything from her. I'm hopefully moving out soon for uni (if I get in) so I feel like there is no reason I can't move on, be the bigger person and try to at least not actively dislike her. I want to be indifferent to her, like a classmate you can chat with but not friends with.
The thing is I get so much anxiety around her. I can barely speak and I don't know what do/say around her. We live in Europe and dad and her got together when we lived in South America, so she mostly just speaks Spanish, which is my second language. So I was thinking it's maybe the language cause I'm not thaaaat confident in Spanish and I only speak Swedish with dad (everyone speaks Spanish at home, just more comfortable with Swedish with dad).
I've also come to realize I have absolutely nothing, at all, whatsoever, to say to her. Nada. So maybe that's another reason I can't speak to her?
I've been at dad's place now for two days, yesterday we didn't even see each other. She woke up at like 2pm and then she and dad went out all day. I never left my room when she was home. I wanted to at least say hi or something but the anxiety prevented me from doing so. And ik that the more I avoid the issue the more anxiety I get and I don't want that for myself, or to let her have that type of power over me (intentional or not).
So basically I need advice or what to do. How to handle the anxiety and what to say. Because I really don't have anything to say, and ik I'm being rude avoiding her and I don't want that. It's just that I am so lost on how to even begin doing anything. Have you guys gone through something similar? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
yds28h | 26/10/2022 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/yds28h/i_dont_know_how_to_adjust_to_my_new_stepmom/ | step child | I (13m) have two moms. My mom (34f) and my momma (33f) got divorced when I was 10 because my momma cheated with her girlfriend. My mom started dating my stepmom Payton (29f) when I was 11.
I love my moms so much but I know that I wasn’t good enough or else momma wouldn’t have cheated so I know the divorce was my fault but I still love them both. My momma has stayed with her girlfriend that she cheated on my mom with Kari (36f). Me and Kari have an alright relationship but I don’t spend much time with her and I tend to only spend time with my momma at her house.
My mom proposed to Payton a few months ago and they will be getting married soon. Last night (technically last night cause it’s 2 am) at dinner my mom asked me if I wanted to walk her down the aisle at their wedding. I don’t know why but that made me start crying and when my mom tried to hug me I pushed her away and went to my room and locked my door.
I just miss having my moms together. I miss having my family together and it’s all my fault because I wasn’t good enough. It doesn’t matter if both of my moms said that during the divorce that it had nothing to do with me I know that’s a lie because if I had just been a better son my momma wouldn’t have left us and we would still be a family.
Me and Payton have an alright relationship and my mom has had me spend time with her so I can get to know her and she is nice and pretty cool but I just don’t know if I really want to bond with her.
Does anyone have advice on what to do cause I truly don’t know anymore. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
q0aspr | 03/10/2021 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/q0aspr/update_are_my_stepsister_and_i_wrong_for_what_we/ | step child | I tried talking to my mom but it was really hard talking to her and I didn’t really know what to say. She said to maybe make another post because it helped me last time. I don’t know how my mom knowing my stepsister and I are upset is going to change anything. It won’t bring back her mom, Its not going to cause me to see my dad more, and its not going to stop the little kids from being loud and getting a mom and dad. My mom noticing me more isn’t going to change it.
My stepdad tried to go with my stepsister to her mom’s grave again today even though she made it clear that he is not welcome since he divorced her. We don’t get why he keeps trying. Its my birthday next week and I don’t even want to celebrate because I know my younger siblings will try and blow out the candles of my cake. I don’t even care about blowing them out myself but why do they get to. I know that I have to the bigger person and let them because they’re little and it obviously makes them happy. I don’t get to see my dad until the end of the month. We are being forced to go to therapy.
My stepdad wanted to talk to me so I let him talk but I didn’t say much back. He said that he loves me the same which doesn’t even seem scientifically possible and I’ve read the stepparents reddit so I know what they think deep down. He didn’t meet me until I was 10 so it makes no sense. I think that he should love my stepsister the most because the younger kids are the most loved in the house and he’s her only parent.
Talking to them is making us resent them because its embarrassing that they are making us feel so bad. Nothing is going to change so we might as well just all move on. My stepsister said that maybe we’ll just be stronger and have more character than the half-siblings because we have suffered way more than them, but I don’t really have a response to that because something bad can happen to them too and its kinda a mean thing to say. I truly wish the best for mom, stepdad, and their kids and I hope they never feel the same way my stepsister and I do. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
u8ptf8 | 21/04/2022 | 5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/u8ptf8/me_and_my_stepdad_has_never_had_a_relationship/ | step child | ...And my mom and my step-dad has been together since I was 8-9. I'm 21 years old now.
He's in essence a nice, proper guy. He's just very aloof and introverted. Not at all a people person. He speaks very little words, and has throughout my life living with him, spoken extremely little words to me. Ever since they started together and I was just a little kid, I've always questioned if he really ever liked me or not. I mean, if you were around a person all the time, but they barely looked at you or spoke to you, I think you'd start to question that too.
He has never taken any interest in my life or who I was. For example, he never asked me how my day at school was or how dance class was. He has never asked me about my likes/dislikes, my interests, etc. As a kid, I used to ask him those types of questions, because I've always been interested in people's likes/dislikes, opinions and stuff like that, but I eventually stopped, because he would always respond with short, almost one-worded answers.
There are many times when I've arrived home from school and said "Hi" to him (because that's what we do in our family), and not gotten a "Hi" back. He just stares at the TV or his laptop. There are also many times when I've asked him a question, like a really normal question like "Have you had a nice trip at your cottage?", and just not gotten a response back. It makes you wonder, does he not want to talk to me? Or does he just not hear me? Or does he simply not see responding as an obligatory thing to do?
We have never, ever done things together, one on one. Not watched TV togehter, not taken a walk together, not listened to music togehter, not made food together, literally nothing.
I know that in order to build a relationship, there needs to be effort from both sides, but considering that I was 8-9 back when they first started together, I think he had more responsibility to initiate the relationship that I had. I mean, I was just a child. A shy kid. Later, as I've grown older, I've tried to sort of initiate some small talk with him, but it has just ended up feeling awkward and unnatural, because you can hear how much he's disinterested in it.
I never thought I was particularly annoying or ill-behaved as a child either. I mean, I had my moments of misbehaving here and there, but doesn't every child? I've always been very calm and quiet too. I've especially always tried to act pleasant and well-behaved around him, because I've just never wanted him to dislike me.
Isn't all this kind of weird? Still, to this day, we pass each other by like strangers when we're in our house. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
zxvsun | 29/12/2022 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/zxvsun/stepdad_can_go_fuck_himself/ | step child | He is a former nurse and marine with a truly awful childhood, I know this contributes to how he acts and how he handles his emotions. But the man is a hypocritical chauvinistic dog fucker. I can make a laundry list of occasions where he was a major hypocrite but that would make this too long. He acts like he knows all and is never wrong even when you present the facts he still claims he is right and the facts are fabricated. He then uses me as a punching bag for his thoughts on my generation when he fails to see that his generation is the one that raised us and set everything in motion that is happening today. With his hard life he thinks he never needs to apologize for anything even when he is out of line, not even an acknowledgement that he was. My mom is constantly coming to me venting and eventually breaking down crying about how he is acting towards her or treating her. Obviously doesn't listen to her at all and tells her half assed solutions to anything she brings up just so he doesn't have to listen to it. For a while I thought he was dating my mom because we were in a bad place. A charity relationship to fill his ego. I'm staying home till I finish my schooling then moving out, when I do I want as little to do with him as possible, I refuse to allow him to be a part of my life any longer than necessary. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
10yg046 | 10/02/2023 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/10yg046/i_dislike_my_stepdad/ | step child | I (M15) have issues with my stepdad, he has a biological daughter which he favors, he treats us very different.
He spoils her and gives her a lot of attention, meanwhile I’m left out and rarely receive any attention or anything. They both spend every day together upstairs playing video games. Whenever me, my mom, and sister get home from school he only greets my sister and only her and doesn’t pay any attention to me or my mom and he doesn’t spend any time with me or her, he’d rather spend time with his daughter instead since that’s the only thing that matters to him, we’re practically nothing to him.
My mom isn’t really a big fan of what they do and how he acts, we both agree that he acts immature and childish. Whenever he and my mom interact they always argue about something small and dumb, and whenever they argue he always has to insult her and call her names. She always threatens to leave him but never does, they some how make up in the end. At best she’s a single mother taking care of 2 kids and a grown man, he might as well be considered a child since he technically already acts like one.
I forgot to mention that we’ve been pretty distant with each other lately, I don’t remember when the last time we had a proper conversation was. Is there anything I should do? Is he the one who’s the problem? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
vphobo | 02/07/2022 | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/vphobo/i_need_advice/ | step child | I'm 14 f, and I hate my Stepmother. My parents have been divorced since I was 2, so having a Step mom isn't new to me. I love my Step father, he's been in the picture since I was 3, and loves me and takes care of me and my 2 half siblings.
My bio dad has been married 3 times, engaged 2 more times, and I have one half brother from his previous wife. I don't have anything against Step parents, but I just despise his current wife.
She tells my father to not let me come to their house, and instead makes him take me to my grandparents house when I visit him. I'm so mad. I feel so unwanted by her. I don't know why she doesn't like me. I have only spoken to her a couple of times. She doesn't like my brother either. I feel like my dad puts his love over me and loves her more.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to see my dad, but every time I see him I wanna break down and cry because I know he loves his wife more. This situation seriously affects my mental health and I don't know what to do. Is it wrong I kinda wish she cheats so they would get a divorce? Or he divorces her? I don't know what to feel, think, or do. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
q93gs8 | 16/10/2021 | 19 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/q93gs8/am_i_mean_for_holding_a_grudge_against_my_stepmom/ | step child | I live with my grandparents now after this happened but my dad has been texting everyday telling me that he thinks I'm perfect and that I'm everything he wants in a daughter so idk if I should just go home because I guess my dad is innocent.
My mom passed away a long long time ago, but my dad put me in therapy as soon as I started Kindergarten and did everything right so I'm thankful for that. He married my stepmom later. SM never forced the mom role but did mom things for me and after being in therapy for a while, I realized that it was ok to call my stepmom "mom" and that my mom would be happy that I had a girl in my life to help me.
My stepmom got pregnant and I was REALLY excited to have a little sibling and to be a family of four. Keep in mind that I genuinely thought my stepmom considered me to be her daughter so I didn't have the feelings that many stepkids have of being left out/not feeling good enough.
One day when I was not supposed to be around, I heard her talking to her mom (who I call grandma and I also thought she accepted me!!) and said that she was scared that her baby would like me and she doesn't want to keep any pictures of her baby that would look like me. My "grandma" responded that she won't look like me because she has my dad's and stepmom's genes and none of my mom's genes would be involved. She said the baby would have great genes because the only genes that the baby will share with me are ones from someone she loved.
Guys I really really tried hard not to cry but I just burst into tears on the spot. My stepmom and grandma freaked out and said that she was just hormonal and that there was nothing wrong with me but I just needed to run away, so I ran to my mom's parents house. My mom's parents called my dad and yelled at him and he came over immediately and told me that he loved me, but my grandparents said they were going to sue for rights and the judge said I could live with them.
my stepmom has been apologizing but idk what to do and if I should go home | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
pwo0v8 | 27/09/2021 | 8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/pwo0v8/are_my_stepsister_and_i_wrong_for_what_we_said_to/ | step child | here’s some background:
my mom and dad divorced when I was 8 and my mom got remarried to my stepdad when I was 10. My dad is the coolest but I barely get to see him. My stepdad has a daughter my age and then they had another son and daughter when I was 11 and 12. He was also previously divorced, and her mom ended up passing away when were 12.
my stepsister and I hated each other and the opposite parent and own parent at first.
then one day when we were 13, we really. bonded one night and realized that we were in the same position and should be a team. We realized we could stick up for each other and actually have an ally. We became really close and became really detached from the our siblings and parents. It made coping a lot easier on us and made it easier to be friendly to the other members of the family because we felt like we had each other no matter what.
We are 16 now and my mom and stepdad keep asking why we’re so good to each other but not close to anyone else. I told them because it was annoying and hard to watch them have new kids who they felt deserved a real family while we had to wonder why they didn’t think we were good enough to have a home with a mom and dad. my stepsister (honestly my real sister) added that we were always alone because they cared more about finding love and making a family than us so we realized that we had to care about each other.
my mom is really upset and my stepdad is mad and they both say we aren’t being fair and it’s wrong of us to think that they don’t care/don’t want us to have family/care more about having a romantic relationship than us.
If we’re wrong we will apologize because we don’t want there to be conflict for the last 2 years in that house. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
10z9rtr | 11/02/2023 | 19 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/10z9rtr/i_feel_so_unloved_in_my_stepparents_and_bio_dads/ | step child | I live with my bio dad, my step mom, and her 5 bio kids.
I often feel like an after thought. I get it, of course I won’t be the priority to my step mother’s life, and I don’t resent her for it. But I’m never really thought about. One of the bio kids is my older step sister (I love her dearly, she’s generally nice to me and we get along just fine) got her permit when she turned 16, and I was told i’d get mine a year later when I turned 16, but it never happened.
In fact, she(my step mom) refuses to teach me how to drive simply because she’s not my biological mother. She refuses to do a lot of things for me because of that reason.
What I need is often put last. I’m a senior in high-school and my dad refuses to fill out federal aid and my step mom said she’d help but she hasn’t. I need my cap and gown and I haven’t gotten it. I had to get my own job so I could pay for things like college applications and tests.
By bio dad isn’t much better. He does the same things as her. They laugh at me when I cry, get upset at me when i’m provoked and yell at my siblings (often times who are yelling or laughing at me), I haven’t gotten a birthday present from them in years (yet I get my dad stuff for his birthday, christmas and fathers day)
They don’t even buy me basic needs anymore. I buy my own shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, etc.
I just turned 18 last month and because they don’t necessarily help me I’ve had to go out of my way to get all the things I need to adult (ID, Bank account, etc)
I just don’t feel loved here. They don’t like that I cry, they haven’t set me up for adult life, they don’t even pay attention to me all that much. It just sucks is all. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
15c3bjr | 28/07/2023 | 17 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/15c3bjr/vent_ig/ | step child | i hate my dads wife. i don’t even want to say stepmom because it makes me feel sick. she isn’t a terrible person either, i just hate her. she acts like she knows my dad better than i do and it makes me feel bad. like i’ll find out new stuff about my dad and she will add on and be like “oh yeah and he did this and this and this” like i just want her to shut up! and her son is a nightmare. he is 6 and such a spoiled rotten brat.
recently my dad and her got married. they didn’t even ask me to be in the wedding, they just assumed. i told them i wasn’t going and they did not like that, for obvious reasons. my dad texted me about it and i told him i can’t go, i just don’t feel comfortable with it at all. then later i told him i would go under the conditions that i wouldn’t be in any pictures, i would buy my own dress (with his approval), and i would not have to talk to anyone. he did not respond to me when i told him this so i just left it alone. then a few days later, i was hanging out with my dad, having a good time and SM texted me. she basically was trying to guilt trip me into going to the wedding, saying my dad never asks anything of us, and that it would make him so sad if i didn’t go. she also said that this was a “once in a lifetime experience” which i laughed at because it’s both of their’s second wedding. i responded by saying i told my dad that i would go under certain conditions and that i didn’t appreciate her texting me about this and that i knew it would hurt my dad, but what about me? no one took my feelings into consideration. and i am not a selfish person. i also never ask for anything, so why am i the bad guy for putting my feelings first (which i don’t do often) ?! she then told me i was the most disrespectful person for talking to her the way i did, and that she didn’t care if i didn’t appreciate her “talking” to me about it. (that wasn’t what i said, i said texting!!) she also said she didn’t know about these “conditions” because i never talked to her about it. (maybe the person you’re marrying should be the one to communicate with you?!) and i just didn’t respond to her. i went to my room and then my dad texted me saying i was a bad person for speaking to her that way and that he wasn’t going to be manipulated by me (talking abt the conditions of which i would go) and how i was responsible but maybe i need to be reminded how to speak to adults. i just told him i was sorry and didn’t leave my room the next few days until i went to my moms house. i told her what happened and she said she would feel sad if i didn’t go to her wedding but also she didn’t like the way SM was speaking to me. she also told my therapist and sent her the ss of my texts between me, my dad, and SM. my therapist told me she didn’t “pick sides” but i could tell she agreed with SM. it hurt my feelings honestly. i should’ve been able to talk to her about it but i felt unwelcome to. she had me do an appointment with my dad. basically the whole time it was them telling me how i felt which was not fair or accurate. that left a bitter taste in my mouth with my therapist too.
anyway- the wedding was over a month age, i didn’t go. it’s over now, whatever. but i still don’t like SM. she is also rude to my mom, never acknowledges her when my mom is polite to her! my mom waves everytime she sees her and all SM does is put her head down. it’s embarrassing honestly. the reason i am so upset now is because SM took my dads last name and it hurts me that she did that. that is MY last name. AND MY MOMS!!! (my mom never changed hers after the divorce because she doesn’t like her maiden name) after she did that i blocked her on facebook (wasn’t friends with her in the first place) but because it made me feel sick seeing her name with MY last name. she texted me yesterday, the first time since the incident abt the wedding. she just wanted to know what sun i wanted for a beach party on sunday (that i didn’t know we were going to.) but i didn’t respond because i don’t want to go to whatever event i wasn’t told about. also i don’t want to talk to her. honestly the only reason i haven’t blocked her is in case of an emergency (my dad got into an accident several months ago and i have a lot of anxiety abt it.) but idrk what to do. i feel unwelcome in my own home. everytime she is home when i am (which is a lot of the time bc our schedules are similar) i stay in my room. i hate being around her and her son. maybe i’m the bad guy but idk, i can’t get over it. she makes me feel so small and disrespected. my safe space is school but it’s summer rn so i don’t even have that. anyway- rant over lol | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
159qet0 | 26/07/2023 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/159qet0/on_saturday_i_gotta_go_to_my_stepdads_parents/ | step child | Basically what the title says, on Saturday I gotta go to my stepdads families ranch because it’s his dad’s birthday but I really don’t wanna go. For context Iam 18 but I don’t got a license so I can’t really go anywhere and also, it’s gonna be a party | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
14pq5nh | 03/07/2023 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/14pq5nh/ive_been_feeling_left_out_as_an_adult_child_25_of/ | step child | This is my very first Reddit post so I actually have no idea what I’m doing lol.
For context, my sisters and I all are young adults (29,25,22) and my dad remarried a woman with kids from a previous marriage (early teens). My dad was not present much during his 1st marriage with my mom and it was honestly a very stressful environment. They both had unhealthy relationship habits, but ultimately my dad had an affair that ended the relationship.
Fast forward some time and my dad remarried my stepmom. My sisters and I all love her and she is an amazing woman who loves my dad. I am truly happy for them both and her kids are great too, but I am not close with them because of age gap and they live almost 3 hours away. But in the last ~2 years, I feel like I’ve noticed passive gestures of exclusion towards my sisters and I. My sisters and I only see my dad for birthdays, holidays, or when someone is able to visit which hasn’t been possible this past year because they’re house was affected by a natural disaster so there was nowhere for me to stay if I did visit. Before this happened though, I was visiting them and I saw in the living room they had done those professional family photos framed on the shelves. My sisters and I were not asked to be involved and it really hurt (still does, but ya know). I just started to notice then how little we see our dad, even for big things in our lives. Both my sisters graduated from beauty school during that time, and I remember them feeling sad he (and step family) wasn’t there.
But the most recent instance is they are taking a family vacation with her biological children while not attempting to include us. I want to really stress that I understand I am an adult and I in no way expect a trip paid for by them. Even if my sisters and I couldn’t go, I feel like just asking/making efforts to include us would really mean the world to me/us. They have done a few vacations without us and my sister told me how she had talked to my stepmom about it previously. She said what I said how obviously we as adults will not expect them to pay for our vacation and that just an invite would mean the world. Over the weekend, my dad and stepmom said they were going on vacation with the kids next week. I had a quick knee jerk reaction because I had been really missing time with my dad lately and mentioned how I feel upset because I’ve/we’ve been feeling kinda left out lately. But I fucked up because they had been drinking and I wasn’t much because I had to drive and it wasn’t fair for me to do that. However, it was so reactionary and it really was coming from a vulnerable place of trying to spend more time with my dad and step family. But her reaction was not what I was expecting at all.
She mentioned how my sisters and I are adults and they can’t afford to take everyone on a vacation and her kids deserve to have vacations because my sisters and I went on them when we were kids. It really caught me off guard and I tried to explain my feelings aren’t about the trip itself per-say, but about wanting to feel more included/apart of the blended family. I explained I was not in anyway trying to guilt them for going on vacation or that her kids don’t deserve a vacation and that it’s not about the money (meaning I don’t expect them to pay), it’s about feeling included. I then asked her if she could at least see where I was coming from in feeling upset and she said “no.” I realized what I was saying was not registering with her because she kept bringing it back to her kids and not being able to afford taking everyone. This goes back to when I said they had been drinking and it wasn’t right of me to bring it up then. So I we just kinda moved on from the conversation, but I called them the next day asking To talk when they get back from vacation.
I truly am happy for them and I really don’t care about them going on vacation without us. But I wish there would be more of an effort to include us especially because my sister had this same conversation with her previously. We do not expect/want them to pay and may even be busy, but just ask. Or even if they don’t want us there, just say it. It would absolutely hurt and it would be shitty, but at this point I wonder if that’s the case because it’s not hard to ask. Especially if it would help my dads kids feel like we are apart of the family. But my older sister is actually really shitty to my dad and I would hate to feel like her relationship with him is affecting my stepmoms relationship with us. Because I understand she is also his partner and wants to protect him.
There’s just so many factors in this family dynamic that all contribute to this. I just felt really invalidated the other night and I am really upset about it. Am I just wrong in general? I have been preparing all week doing research and trying to figure out how to talk to them about this when we sit down. I just want to spend more time with my dad and step family and I want to feel more included in the family. I also want to open up the floor for any shortcomings on my part and what I can do better for them when we talk. If anyone has any advice how to communicate this, please do! Also if I am just being unreasonable I’d like to know too. I can’t find anything online that cos similar to my situation so perspective would be helpful too! | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
mo9afv | 10/04/2021 | 8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/mo9afv/i_just_feel_like_ive_been_completely_replaced_and/ | step child | Okay so sorry but it's gonna be long.
Td;lr dad completley forgot about his promises and basically ignored me all day, after taking stepmoms side on everything. Grandma and uncle also cant have me over for coffe. Also rant about stepmom and dad
Yesterday my(20f) dad(47m) had his one year anniversarry with stepmom(28f). Me and my brother came here like a week ago for easter holiday(so biobro is free from school)
Being the good step daughter i am, i took my bio 8 year old brother and went to spend the night at my uncle's,to give them some privacy.
*notes: the day before stepmom told me that everytime we are at my dad's (me every two weekends and my brother [every june (the whole month) and every 3 months (for a weekend)] and that from now on she's gonna be "the evil stepmother" because my brother had a panick attack last night and i couldnt calm him down so his crying woke her and stepbrother(8months old) up. She kept asking how long are we gonna be there and told me directly that she can't stand my bio brother and that she and dad always fight when "we(me and bio brother) " are here.
*a week ago my stepbrother cried all night long and stepmom HAD to keep all the doors open and carry him in the hallway
Today i had some greening (clean a local river) to do, at 8am. Dad promised me that he'd come to pick me up and drive me there but he forgot. He hasn't called me all day and when i tried to call him he did not pick up the phone.
I went by myself, worked for 9 hours and then i wanted to take the train(half an hour ride) to visit grandma. She has guests over so i couldn't. I called my uncle to hang out but he was with my bio brother. Not that i have anything aganist it,but he promised that he'd take me with them when i'll be finished with my greening thing. He was too busy to come get me.
My boyfriend is at some cabbin having fun and i dont wanna vent to him right now and ruin his fun.
Im also very stressed out because dad is very stressed out but he cant tell anything to stepmom because she doesnt care/she threatens that she will leave him, he cant tell anything to bio brother bc hes the golden kid and well my stepbrother is a baby. So all his frustration are coming to me to the point that almost all comunication between me and dad is screaming. I generally end up crying if i manage to get out of the house to walk the dog/buy something/whatever. I dont want to cry in front of my dad.
And that's been my week so far. Besides the screaming, now he always takes stepmoms side, she is always right and im always wrong. He never did that before, usually he was fair. I feel replaced.
Also im an emotional wreck because i just realised that the week my 3 cats went missing was the week stepmoms big dog got back home.( the dog in question attacked my cat another time bc stepmom brought him onto the cats little pen and attacked 3 people, one of which needed stiches.) hes not a bad dog, i loved him and we were good pals but he will kill anything smaller than him. What a weird coincidence that the week it came back my cats ran away, right?
Also my socks and bio brothers shoes go missing here,but when i found my sock in the trash and showed dad,he said stepmom made an " honest mistake". Also i have to keep buying hangers everytime i come over because they misteriously vanish into thin air. Again, when i told dad"hey i had hangers i bought them last time and now they are missing" he really picked on the "they are missing part" and lashed out telling me that i "accuse people of stuff just because".
I might be annoying for her to have stepkids over but for christs sake she was with my dad when he was married to my mom,she knew dad had kids. Yes i know my dad is a massive asshole but to me he was just kind and nice and we could talk about everything before. Also because he takes his anger out on me.
And now he puts stepmom above me and i just feel replaced by her and rejected by my relatives. I already tried disscusing with him,but he just thinks i hate stepmom and im wrong/im lazy/ he told me to do so and i didnt/whatever, he never ACTUALLY listens.
He just replaced me. With a ho 8 years older than me. Not only did he replace me but he puts her above me.
About my mom: shes cool and i normally live with her but i must stay with my dad for another week to finish some classes in his town. Yes, she spoke with dad and her was nicer for like a day and a half. I just called her and she told me to come home tomorrow.
I just feel like not going back at dads at all and living on the streets because i cant stand that home anymore. I know i cant do it, but i just cant handle it anymore. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
kqk85h | 04/01/2021 | 13 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/kqk85h/how_often_your_stepparent_reminds_you_are_not_his/ | step child | One of the often arguments I hear from my stepdad is that I am not his so why he should have felt responsible for anything? When I said him he should acted better during parenting me, his answer was that he was not responsible for parenting me and could basically do anything because he is not my father. Also he has big obsession with how much money he poured into me because I am not his. So how do you react on remarks you are not the one he concieve? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
jzvvyn | 24/11/2020 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/jzvvyn/stepdad_talks_about_me_behind_my_back/ | step child | so. my mom and stepdad have been together about 4 years now, and they’re on the brink of a divorce. my dad lives across the country so i don’t really have any financial assistance or anything like that from him, which is fine and has never been an issue for me before since i’ve been working since 16.
well, a couple months ago i bought a used car. i took out a loan and put $1000 down in cash (which i worked for) and have been making regular payments. however, i didn’t have any credit when i got the car since i had just turned 18 so my mom had to co-sign.
he had a huge problem with this. i rode home in a separate car and on the ride back he told my mom that the only reason i would be able to afford my car was because my dad was going to send me a bunch of checks to cover it.
sure.
i got over that, but then one day my nana came over and my mom was showing her a house that she wanted to look at. he comes out of his bedroom and starts ranting and raving about how i wasn’t going to make my car payment therefore they wouldn’t be able to buy a house, since they were going to be responsible for the car and i had screwed them, basically.
i live under their roof for now, but that’s just so i can save up enough money to move out and not be worried about not having enough money to make it month-to-month. hearing the different things he’s said about me makes me genuinely wonder what i ever did to make him hate me so bad. i’ve seen these long paragraphs he sends my mom about me and all he ever talks about is how i’m spoiled and i don’t deserve to have the things i have, even though i’ve bought every expensive thing that i own.
i just don’t know what to do anymore. all my stepsiblings hate me, which i don’t really care about, but i know it’s because he’s said different things to make them think badly about me. i’m just so tired of working so hard and being called a brat. i’m paying my own insurance, phone bill, car payment, tuition bill, and i buy my own groceries. i work 50 hours a week and i’m in college. i just don’t know what to do to make this stop. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
jduis9 | 19/10/2020 | 12 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/jduis9/i_fucking_hate_my_step_mom_and_the_pandemic_is/ | step child | Hello reddit.
So my dad's wife is the most condescending psycho bitch I've ever met. And ok maybe I'm a little biased, since she and my dad were having an affair before my parents got divorced, but she is genuinely one of the worst people I know. I would never, ever want to be friends with someone like her. She's manipulative and uses this to control my dad. In the past it's gotten to the point where my uncle has had to fly in from out of state to help mediate the situation. The other night I overheard her say that people who don't go to college are "trash." That's the kind of person she is. She's also always shitting on the US. Which I know we're not doing great right now but I really just want to tell her she can go back to her fucking country if it's so shitty for her here (and before you say anything, I'm Asian myself, I was born in the US and certainly recognize its flaws, but I'm proud to be a citizen). She constantly spews fake shit and lies to back up her shitty ass arguments. Oh also I hate the way she laughs. and every time she sings I'm pretty sure a cute animal dies. I hate her on a fundamental level, I hate her guts, her personality, everything. She's ugly inside and out. She has personally said that she finds kind people "weak" and "pushovers," and to have friends you need to be financially successful and powerful. She has told me she wishes my parents got divorced earlier so my dad wouldn't have to pay so much spousal support to my mom. I hate her. If it weren't for this stupid pandemic I would never have come back by choice. I think the worst thing about this is she makes me dislike my dad. Like how could someone like him end up with her? I think your S.O. mirrors who you are and I don't know what their relationship says about my dad as a person.
This pandemic is making everything worse because I didn't expect to have to move back into my dad's house after graduating college (looking for a decent job in the entertainment industry right now is...a joke). I highly value my independence and hate the fact that there's this new "parental" figure in my life. I don't need her. I don't want her. Seeing her face ruins my day. Before I move out I will tell her exactly what I think of her to her face, but for now I really need to control myself and not make things worse.
Just really needed to rant. If you can relate please comment below because I'm going insane. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
j8bpvh | 10/10/2020 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/j8bpvh/i_feel_like_most_of_my_childhood_experiences_with/ | step child | This won’t be a long post, as I don’t want to spew too much about this. Just wondering if anyone has been in a situation where they’ve never felt genuine love from a step parent? I was always under the impression throughout my childhood that I was in the way. He would throw so many fits, some being about not being paid enough attention to by my mom. Anytime he acts like a huge ass he can’t even admit that he did any wrong. He’s screwed up/not treated me with respect too many times now. I’m 22 and thankfully don’t live with them anymore, but I do rely on them for certain things. It feels really bad knowing that he is too far gone as a person and that I can no longer stand being on speaking terms with him. I’ve already cut out my narcissistic, abusive sister. I know this wasn’t very detailed but it just sucks feeling like half your immediate family wanted you gone from the get-go. I feel broken because of them. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
irotp2 | 13/09/2020 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/irotp2/my_step_dad_undaughtered_me/ | step child | My stepdad un-daughtered me
So I was in a toxic relationship for a couple of years and finally got out of it last June. I met someone who I am head over heels in love with and started dating them in November. (I have known him for 3 years before this) and I have become a better person, I am happier, more positive, making choices that I want to rather than pleasing those around me. My step dad told me that he thinks that my boyfriend is controlling my life, i.e. having my phone all the time, me needing permission to get a “legitimate” job (I lost my job due to covid and I am a social media manager now), telling me who to be.
Now, I understand somewhat where he is coming from, I have changed, but I am no longer in a toxic relationship. My man treats me like a queen and supports me and is helping me get through the trauma I have endured from my ex.
My step-dad won’t respond to my texts or calls, he doesn’t want to hear my views and doesn’t even try to understand where I am coming from. He has Un-friended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram and won’t acknowledge me when we’re in the same room. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
iawvjo | 16/08/2020 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/iawvjo/im_tired_of_this/ | step child | I’m new to this sub, but I looked for it specifically so I could vent. Sorry if it’s a bit long.
My stepmother is great. She’s been my stepmom for 5 years and I do love her. I love her, but recently I’ve began to LIKE her less and less. Let’s call her SM.
Just a few minutes ago SM cornered me in the hallway and did this whole “disappointed in you” bs thing because she thought I left an empty box of cookies in the cabinet. Which, I didn’t. She went on and on about how she “expects more from me because I’m old enough to know better” and she feels like both she and the house are being “disrespected”. All because trash was left in the cabinet.
I didn’t even leave the box there. I had maybe 3 cookies out of a 10-cookie packet, yet when someone else eats them all, IM the one who gets blamed? It always seems to be like this, too. Whenever something doesn’t get cleaned, I’m suddenly responsible for it. Whenever there’s trash anywhere, I’m suddenly the one who left it there regardless of whether I did or not. Never my sister, never my father, never even SM’s mother who also lives in the house, always ME.
SM even knows that my sister has a habit of sneaking food when she isn’t supposed to, yet never confronts her when there’s trash instead. It’s not even hard to tell when my sister is lying, but SM believes her most of the time anyways.
My dad texted me about the cookie box and how SM wasn’t happy about it, so I went out there and immediately threw it away. SM watched me the whole time, all passive-aggressively, but didn’t say anything. I threw it away three hours ago, and then she waited until just now to accuse me of it? If you’re going to be a mocking, condescending b about it, do it immediately so you don’t give me an entire anxiety attack about it.
I’m actually tempted to ask my real mom if I can stay with her and my stepdad for longer than three-week periods (we switch back and forth). | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
hjh0zs | 01/07/2020 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/hjh0zs/my_stepmom/ | step child | My stepmom and dad have been together for a few years. In the begging I felt like she didn't like me or my sisters. I'm pretty sure she's trying to keep me and them from our dad. How should I talk to him about her. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
hhrll0 | 29/06/2020 | 5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/hhrll0/looking_for_advice_on_how_to_connect_with_my_sm/ | step child | Step-child here, looking for advice on how to interact with SM
I personally have (had? She’s better-ish now) a very difficult BM to deal with that I know SM has been an angel with all that noise. I am very grateful for her putting up with my BM shenanigans else I’d probably have no relationship with my dad or siblings.
However, I’ve lately been noticing a lot of very snarky remarks that SM makes about me and to me. I want to know how to better mend this relationship? I’m not great with social things but it really hurts me and is starting to make me not want to see my family because she will be there. Which is horrible. I’ve been having anxiety/panic mini-attacks over some of our interactions.
She’s been in my life close to 14+ years, so she’s very prominent part of my
((I wrote out a lot of examples but decided against including them because it’s probably too identifying in case any family is on reddit))
- most recent one (which is bringing up a lot of this past emotions) is I recently bought myself a phone for the first time in my life. It’s a refurbished smart phone and I splurged and got the iPhone 8. I was so excited to share this with her/dad, and she mocked me for being nearly 30 and only just now buying my first phone.
I splurged and spent more money than I would like and was so proud of it because it looks so new.
Every phone I’ve had except 1 (that dad bought for me for my 18th as a gift) has been a hand-me-down from family or bought cheaply off friends. I’ve not had the money nor the luxury to purchase myself a phone and even now it’s refurbished and not new, and she made me feel pathetic. She took away from my excitement and it hurts so much. I’ve only had it a couple of weeks.
Basically, I’m asking for advice. How do I mend her apparent opinion of me? How do I approach her to try being equals or at least aquatinted so she treats me more amicably, and not like a reminder of her husbands previous marriage?
She treats me worse than I’ve seen her treat her bio-son, and he dealt illicit drugs in school, ffs!
She makes every excuse for him and his behaviour and yet treats me like an idiot.
I don’t know what to do.
I love my siblings but I dread seeing her and her judgement. I miss my dad. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
hbysh8 | 19/06/2020 | 10 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/hbysh8/i_cannot_deal_with_my_stepmother_anymore/ | step child | My mom died when I was 6. My dad handled it well and has been my hero ever since. When he met a new women and seemed happy - about 2 years after my mom died - I was happy for him and tried to accept everything.
At first she was nice, kind and happy, but when they moved in together, she completely changed. Whenever he wasn't there she would become horrible, complaining about everything and forcing us to do whatever she said. 3 years ago they had a kid, and 2 years ago they got married. Since they got married she has become *unbearable*. Its like she only actually cares about her child and not about me and my sibling who are not her technical children, whenever any of my dads side of the family is round she is sweet as you like, polite and quiet, but whenever they aren't it's like she is a completely different person.
I have not said anything because I know it has been hard for my dad and as long as he's happy I thought I could put up with it, but I can't anymore. I know that if I don't do something then I'm going to end up saying something I'm going to regret. Help | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
gvasam | 02/06/2020 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/gvasam/my_stepdad_is_sexist/ | step child | Hello I’m back with some more on Dave. Dave is very Sexist. He always asks my mom what I did in the kitchen to help her or what I did to clean the house. ( I’m not lazy or anything it’s just when I start to relax they always want me to do something else so I’m usually seen as lazy for that) I started to realize that he was sexist about a couple of years ago when I didn’t help my mom in the kitchen because I was busy doing Homework. My brother Jim and Dave were doing nothing but playing games while my mom was cooking. My mom finished cooking and she called every one to eat when I got there Dave was already there ready to eat when he looked at me and said
“ why weren’t you here helping your mom”
I replied with “ I was doing my Homework”
He then said “ Well, when your mom is cooking YOU need to come out and help her because you are a girl so you have to be in the kitchen”
He never said anything to my brother it was just me.
He also comments on my weight saying “ wow you eat a lot” or “ to really need to watch what you eat” I’m pretty thin ,because of him I starved myself for a while till my mom noticed that I was starting to look pale.
He never says anything to Jim even though he weighs more than me when he’s younger than me.
When I was younger I hated wearing shorts because I was uncomfortable showing my legs so I would always wear pants no matter the weather. Dave would always tell me to wear shorts and to put them on I didn’t like wearing them because the short I had were wayyy to short. He always forced me to wear them. I was always a Tom boy so I liked to play other boys and I would hate wearing dresses and very girly things. He always wanted me to be girly because I’m a girl and I shouldn’t play with boy instead play with makeup so he would always but my me makeup and stuff. Dave made my childhood crap I feel like my life would have been better without him because of him I grew up insecure about myself, I think everyone is constantly judging me, I feel like I eat too much
When I started going through puberty and I started to have pimples and stuff he would always make fun of me and even let my brother poke fun at me which really did hurt me a lot. So I got bangs to try to cover them then I was made fun of because I look like Dora so there was no pleasing them.
Honestly sometimes I think one of these days he’s gonna really push it so he’s gonna catch these hands. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
exx9tn | 02/02/2020 | 13 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/exx9tn/do_stepmothers_ever_consider_step_kids_their_own/ | step child | Me and my stepmother have been together since I was 5. My real mother left and my dad married her when she was still 22. We had a rocky relationship while I was growing up since I'd never seen my real mother, but I've learnt to not blame her for my issues and now I'm 26 years old. I finished my medical degree and I'm trying to make my own life.
My younger brother applied to med school and I was calling him on his iPad while he called my stepmom (I call her mom, so I'll refer to her as mom from now on)
Anyway, as he was talking to her she told him that grandma (her mother) is so happy that he is the first grandson to be a med student. Weary, knowing I was listening in, my brother tries to correct her saying that I was already a doctor and I'm part of the family.
She replied: "We can't lie to ourselves, he's not part of my blood, and your grandmother only considers you as a descendant, yes, I took care of him when he was a child, but he'll never be part of my blood."
I was a little shocked by what I'd heard. I really thought she considered me one of her own. She never admitted that to me, and I am pretty close to my grandmother, it just made me feel unwanted.
I'm not sure how to proceed, contacting her and having a reasonable direct confrontation would only put more tension on our relationship, I've really invested a lot of time and effort in connecting with her and to hear her say that she doesn't consider me part of her blood (behind my back) is really disheartening. I call her on a daily basis and really considered her to be a mother to me.
I ended up blocking her number (just for some time) I don't was to talk to her with animosity in my voice. I just want to give our relationship a break so I can think about how to proceed.
Am I right to feel saddened by what she said? I mean, I obviously understand that we are truly not blood related, but to have her state that so adamantly makes me feel hurt. I know it might be my ego, but I really thought we our relationship was solid enough not to have such things matter. I really considered her to be my mother, and to my face she says I'm her son. I guess her heart is different than what she projects.
1. Any thoughts? | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
etde0c | 24/01/2020 | 5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/etde0c/my_stepmom_wont_allow_my_dad_to_speak_to_me_his/ | step child | My stepmom despises me. She always has. They’ve been married for almost 26 years, and I’ve been estranged from my father for the past 7. Basically she’s had something against me from day one...I’m a lot like my mom & look like her too, and she HATES my mom; even though she’s barely spoken to her...I guess cause she’s “the Ex”. Anyway, I spent 2 years in high school attempting to live w/ them, and she threw me out because I refused to quit dance & choir like she demanded. She thought I didn’t “deserve” those things. So I moved in w/ my grandmother after she tossed me out. My father has always been the unaggressive type that avoids conflict & confrontation. So he kept his tail between his legs most of their marriage. Now, As an adult ,(and a recovering addict of 7years) I see that she’s a narcissistic person who demands 100% control over my father...and my substance abuse was probably initially a way to mask the pain of being rejected by my father. I’ve been going to therapy regularly for the past 7 years to deal w/ my own issues & to start healing the broken parts of me that resulted in me becoming a drug addict. After I initially went into treatment & began recovery, I had to walk away from my relationship w/ my dad because I knew I couldn’t deal w/ that complex hurt WHILE trying to just stay sober...kinda” put it on the back burner “ so to speak. And here we are today..I’m sober, have a healthy life & I’m a responsible citizen, functioning in society again...and I slowly start getting msgs on holidays from my dad. He’s testing the waters, asking about me & showing me & my siblings that he misses me & loves me. So after 4 months of brief (just saying hi, miss you & love you ) texting he wants to meet up when he’s in my town ! I’m so excited & looking forward to catching up w/ my dad, cause I’ve MISSED HIM SOOOO much! But I just got a message from my sibling that his wife found out he’s been communicating w/ me & has chewed him out big time. Like he’s being put through the ringer according to my sibling...and I’m heartbroken. I’m sad that someone can have that much hate in their heart. I’m almost preparing myself for him to just go MIA again cause deep down inside I don’t think he loves me enough to stand up to her. She’s going to “win”, she’s always won. And it makes me so sad that a chance at a minimal relationship w/ me is not worth standing up to her. Sorry if this isn’t the right place for this post, but I just need to tell someone. I feel so scummy & would like me feeling of hurt to be validated at least. I know I used to be a junkie, but that part of my past just gives her motivation to hate me even more, and I’ll never live it down. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
eidmck | 01/01/2020 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/eidmck/so_i_cant_even_do_my_laundry/ | step child | Hello, everyone. I really need to vent before I completely lose it on my stepmom.
A little background info on me. I am an adult stepkid; 28y/o. I am living with my dad and stepmom because current circumstances don't allow for me to live on my own (in school, the expense, etc.)
When I got home from work today, I wanted to continue my laundry and pick up my room so I can start the new year fresh. The floor in front of the TV is a convenient spot to fold clothes so that's where I was. Plus, we had New Year's Rockin' Eve on and I wanted to watch it. I'm doing my thing and then I see my stepmom get up from the couch and go into her room. My dad went to go check what she was doing and comes back to tell me that she was having a fit over me folding my clothes. That she doesn't "want to spend New Year's Eve watching someone fold clothes."
Seriously?! I can't even do my fucking laundry?! I didn't want my dad to catch shit (she already complains to him all the time, I try not to add to it) so he helped me get my clothes up and out of the way. And I'm sitting outside of my room now folding some other stuff.
There is so much that sets her off. And it doesn't help that she's drinking wine all the damn time. I'd go so far as to say she's an alcoholic. If she's not at work, there's a wine in her hand.
Sooooo. Yeah. Well, that ended up being a lot longer than I intended, haha. My bad. Thanks for letting me vent. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
e7ow8d | 08/12/2019 | 19 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/e7ow8d/my_dad_has_moved_in_with_his_girlfriend_and_her/ | step child | **TLDR - My Dad is moving in with his long term girlfriend and his son. I split my time between each parent. I will be staying at his new place and have some worries about how this new change will work out regarding my relationship with my Father. I spoke to my Dad about all my anxieties and he listened, supported and promised to keep everything I said in his mind. I am still frightened that our relationship will change slowly but surely. I have visited my Dad and his girlfriends new house, twice for a few days each time. I have felt very strange in the new situation and dynamics but they have all been very welcoming to me. Any advice on how to get pass these worries would be great. All points of views are welcome regardless of what role you play in your blended family experience (past, present or future.)**
Hello everyone, I came here to have a place to post my thoughts out to/on. I'm called Mason and I am 14 years old. I split between living with my mother and my father, I am a only child and my parents separated just over a year ago. I am not sure why they separated as they decided to keep that private but explained they no longer loved one another but still respected each other.
My father announced to me that has moved in with his long term girlfriend of 1 year and her son. I will be staying there for the week as it is his turn for visitation. I have met her before and it has been very relaxed and infrequent. After these visits became more routine I was then introduced to her son who is 16 years old. I like them as people but having to live with them feels a bit different to me.
The positives will be that I will have my own room and will be allowed to decorate and buy stuff for it this week. I am pleased that my Dad has found somebody he really likes as he seems really happy. I am sure more positives will occur once I am settled there.
However I am a bit anxious about a few things like... Knowing my Dad will now live further away from where I live with my mother. I feel like the visits may become reduced as the travel will be longer there and back. I worry I will struggle with the travel to and from school as it will require four busses there and back a day. I worry he may think it will be easier to communicate over the internet and over the phone etc. I did notice that when my Dad and his girlfriend started dating I seem to hear less from him for a few months which was a bit confusing and I panic this will happen again. My biggest worry is that I might struggle to settle with my Dads girlfriend and her son... If I want a meaningful relationship with my Dad then this new arrangement will have to work out regardless of whatever he feels now. I discussed my fears with my Mother who listened and comforted me and suggested I talk to my Dad before I go there. I did ring and he reassured me fully and I felt much better.
Despite this I still feel nervous about my stay there this week and I feel anxious about the future as they do seem really in love. Now I have started to realise that my parents are never getting back together which has surprised me for some reason. I am not an anxious person in general but this seems to be getting to me.
I split my days shorter when visiting for the first time just in case I found it overwhelming. They both agreed and didn't make me feel awkward about the suggestion at all. I have completed my first set of visits and went back a second time.
My Dad introduced me to my new bedroom which was a decent size. He gave me a budget and then took me out to get loads of bedroom related stuff. I really enjoyed it and it was nice to have some ownership over my new space. My Dads girlfriend cooked a pasta meal that I thoroughly enjoyed and we all had a movie night. My first night in my room felt a bit odd and I had a restless night but that soon improved. Me and her son got on well enough as usual and we had a laugh during the movie night.
By the second day it still felt strange. I wanted to go back home at it was so unusual to be in the house. The realisation hit me that this would now be a regular thing. They are both very loved up and affectionate I don't really understand that feeling of weirdness about it as he has moved out a while ago and I have seen them together many times. I guess I will work through it the best I can. My Dad and her son get on really well which gave me a pang of jealousy but I really tried not to show it as I believe I am the one with the issue and not them. My Dad had given me one on one time so there was no really reason to get envious.
Overall I am happy for them but I did genuinely try and any insecurities or worries I had, I put to one side and planned to wait and see how the second visit was... By the second visit I currently do feel a bit like a guest (a well treated guest) at a residence. They have a solid dynamic that I am trying to find my place in and all have in jokes that I don't really understand. I never noticed this before but I realised that they all get on extremely well and have obviously spent a lot of time together in the past. I am trying to fit into their routine and ways of doing things and I realised his girlfriends routine seems dominantly the way things are done in the house meaning she and her son get by more easily if that makes sense. I feel I need to be on my best behaviour at all times and am constantly not wanting to offend intentionally. I have a feeling my Dad stayed at their old place rather a lot and this is why they get on so well on a day to day basis. This made the green eyed monster come out. Pretty sure this is fairly normal but Reddit helps me to chill out a bit as well as the suggested writing it down on paper. I have a lot to work through and I have decided to try and be more self reliant now that I am getting older (slightly sad but cool to.) I know they will listen to my concerns if I am worried. Another piece of good advice I got on here. I have no idea why I am not level headed on certain things anymore, the emotions just pour out via my mind and then settles down.
Any advice, suggestions or your own experience of this would be appreciated. Please give it to me straight, I don't need mollycoddling... | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
bg0psc | 22/04/2019 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/bg0psc/a_word_of_encouragement_for_stepkids_wabusive/ | step child | Hey guys! So this is my first time posting on Reddit, and I apologize for any formatting issues (I'm on mobile).
I came to this subreddit looking for stories of other kids (I'm 19 almost 20 now) who dealt with some really awful stepparents.
While I'm not seeing a lot of posts in that vein, I just wanted to say:
If you are one of those kids who's relationship with your stepparent is seriously on the rocks,
It Gets Better.
I promise you it does.
When I was 14, I lived with my dad and Stepmom for a year, due to my mom having to leave town to settle her parent's estate when they passed away.
From the moment I got there, SM had suddenly decided she did not like me. At this point, she had been married to my dad for about 4 years, and they had dated for maybe 2 years prior. We were not strangers.
So, over the course of that year, while she was nice in front of my dad, she belittled me, called me a liar, tried to turn me against my actual mother, and was a general all-around c*nt. When I tried to tell my dad about how she was treating me, he got angry, yelled at me, and told me I was lying.
Plain and simple, I was emotionally and verbally abused by this woman for the better part of a year.
The older I got though, the angrier I got. I was able to move back in with my mom (thank god), and from there it turned into occasional dinner plans or weekend visits over at their house. She still treated me poorly, but there were less opportunities for it to happen, less time for the two of us to be alone together. And, when she did try to pick a fight or belittle me, I fought back. I stopped letting her push me around and finally, FINALLY, my dad started to see it.
It was maybe a year and a half ago? I was freshly 18, and she got on my case about eating lunch as soon as I'd gotten off work that afternoon, when I hadn't eaten all day. She had wanted me to wait another 2+ hours for when dinner would be ready. I was a vet at handling her behavior at this point by nodding, agreeing, and keeping my head metaphorically down, and when she was done I stepped outside and sat on the porch, determined to ignore her and salvage the evening.
My dad had heard the exchange, came over to me, and apologized for her behavior, told me to do what I'd been doing since I was 14, and went inside and berated her for getting angry at me.
He finally came to my defense.
After that there hasn't been a single incident, and whether it was a change of heart or not, we are at the point where while things may be awkward, they can still be almost downright pleasant.
So, moral of the story? SM was a bully, one my father married and will not be exiting my life for a very long time. I stood up to her and we found some sort of unspoken truce.
Stand up for yourself, and don't let a bully trample you down just because they're legally family. It just might work out in the end. | Absence of Affectionate Bonds and Emotional Connection |
11btzjb | 25/02/2023 | 9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/11btzjb/i_caught_my_stepmother_cheating_and_i_dont_know/ | step child | My dad has been married to my stepmom Alex since I was 6 years old. Alex has been a wonderful mom to me and Im grateful for it but this is why it hurts me. So for background info after my mom died he was extremely sad and that is when he met Alex, they had a semi large age gap cuz he was like 36 and she was 25, Alex stayed home with me when my dad was at work and she always made sure I was well taken care of and treated me like I was her own son. So my dad is on a worktrip for a couple weeks and I started to notice Alex was much more withdrawn then usual and was always on her phone texting someone. Then last night I was out with some friends and came home late, I noticed a light was on in my parents room. I was surprised because its not like Alex to stay up late, so I come in the house and am going up to their room so I can talk to her when I start hearing.... noises. I look inside and see Alex with another man.She didn't see me and I left immediately to my room. Later Alex drove the guy home and when she came back I was in the kitchen and said hi. She asked me when I got back and said a couple of hours ago. She looked kind of scared and so just quickly hugged me and wished me goodnight. I don't know what to do. Im scared if I tell my dad that Alex will hate me and not be my mom anymore or that my dad will divorce her and I will lose my mom. I need advice cause Im scared. Please help me. | Household challenges |
zzwger | 31/12/2022 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/zzwger/stepenfreud/ | step child | My Dad's been with my stepmum for about 18 years now. Their relationship has nothing to do with my parents break up at all and my parents broke up after an awful marriage so in that regards I was happy they separated and had no animosity towards future partners as I always want them to just be happy, having not being happy with each other.
My Stepmum always makes EVERYTHING a competition with her kids (3 and older than me) and recently it is starting to grate on me. If it was a case of life events like marriages, uni etc I'd probably be able to understand because it comes with a sense of pride, but it's always really petty stuff. Like if I'm unwell, her kids and all their friends and hamsters are ill, if I've worn odd socks, she's worn odd socks for the past 30 years (when she hasn't). My partner and I have had a spate of bad luck recently with stuff in the house or illness etc, and she just seems to be really enjoying it and her messages seem sarcastic in nature.
My partner tells me I should just confront her about these things but because I don't see them that often due to distance it doesn't feel worth it to me because it'll just cause problems for my Dad. Not only that, but there are some people I don't bother telling my feelings too because they just can't handle it and it causes arguments instead of discussion because they believe they're right.
She also never leaves me alone with my Dad either, like she's afraid she's missing out on something when sometimes it's just nice to speak to him on his own without the conversation being redirected to all of her family. I guess he needs to grow a pair in that regard really.
Just really grinds my gears. | Household challenges |
119j96k | 23/02/2023 | 6 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/119j96k/my_aunt_is_about_to_become_my_new_stepmom_please/ | step child | So..... yeah the title sounds weird because it is weird. My mom passed away last year, my dad took it really hard. I have an aunt Kat, she's my mom's sister and they were very close. My dad and aunt Kat started becoming really close after my mom passed. Now a few months ago I found out they have been dating. Now my dad proposed to aunt Kat and now she is about to become my stepmom. To make it even more awkward, my cousin Billie Jean is about to become my step sister. I feel like I haven't gotten to have a say in any of this, I don't want my aunt to become my stepmom. I feel like my mom would have wanted my dad to move on but not with her sister! In fact im pretty sure my mom is upset from the afterlife because her husband is now in the same bed with her younger sister. I feel so alone as I type this, I just don't know what I am supposed to do. | Household challenges |
10t3src | 04/02/2023 | 7 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/10t3src/i_have_a_question_for_all_the_step_kids_here/ | step child | I just got slammed on twitter for saying that step parents asking to see their step kid’s underwear is kind of weird.
For context, OP says that her step mom was just recently introduced to the family and step mom bought her a bra, then requested to see OP in it. This was all on text messages and her way of saying that she wants to see OP in her underwear just rubs me off the wrong way.
I was shamed by 500+ ppl for thinking that this is weird and it’s normal for step parents to try and bond with their step kids (imo this doesn’t need to involve underwears esp if she’s a new step mom) | Household challenges |
118gbdj | 21/02/2023 | 9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/118gbdj/i_want_to_live_5050_with_my_stepmom_kelly/ | step child | So my (14m) dad and (step)mom Kelly (37f) are going through a divorce. I have known Kelly and my older (step)sister Priscilla (17f) since I was 5 years old. They have been my mom and big sis since I can remember and my dad expects me to not keep in contact with my mom and big sis just because they aren't biologically related to me. I want to live 50/50 with them and when I brought it up to my dad he was surprised. I just don't know what to do and don't want to lose my family. | Household challenges |
rgjhii | 14/12/2021 | 16 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/rgjhii/is_it_bad_of_me_to_never_want_to_call_my_stepdad/ | step child | It's not out of resentment the guy's an ass sometimes but he's overall really great. It just feels really weird to call him dad hell even calling him my stepdad when people asks is fucking weird to me!
But I don't know if this is just me being over sensitive or if I'm just not trying hard enough or something... | Household challenges |
q5jthp | 10/10/2021 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/q5jthp/stepsister_and_i_finally_talked_to_our_parents/ | step child | Everyone really helped so thank you for that. We wrote a letter to our parents highlighting our feelings and what can be done. Basically this is what we asked for\-they have to recognize that it is a lot harder for us than the younger kids (they said they know)\- We don't consider ourselves "one" family and there are parts (they said we will talk about this more)\-SS does not feel comfortable with my SF going to the grave with her and said she does not feel supported by him and asked to go live with her mom's sister for a bit. He was sad but is letting her go\- My SS and I are 8 days a part and we want to have a dinner just with them and no younger kids because we want to feel like it is about us (they said yes but that we should do cake together and we said ok)\- I told my mom that I wished she payed more attention to me and just because I have a 4.0 and do a lot of extracurriculars doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with her (she said that she always wants to see me)\- We told them that we are the odd ones out no matter what and we don't think there's anything we can be done about that, and it is very hard for us to not think that they care more about the romantic relationship because we have been so miserable for so long. (they said that it was fair but not true)\- we told our respective SP that even though a lot of SP say they love their SK just the same it is hard for us to believe and we don't know how to make ourselves believe it. It kinda hurts us a bit (if its true) that someone "random" (as much as i love my stepsis) is viewed the same to my mom as I am and my stepsister felt the same way about her dad (they said that we can talk about this more)\-so anyways I also said its going to be hard for me to live there without my stepsister and asked to live with my grandma and my mom said no. So these next few weeks are going to be hard for me but I can still talk to her.\- I told my mom that she and my dad have to figure it out about how I am going to see him more because I don't think it is my responsibility to coordinate since I had no say in my situation.\- They asked if there was anything they could do fill the role of the respective "missing" parent (mom asked stepsis about her mom and my stepdad asked me about my dad) and we both said there was no need.\-We also admitted that my stepdad's uncle was much worse than we made it out to be and I told my stepdad and mom that I will always resent them a little for making me meet him. My stepdad apologized\-Lastly we told them that the little kids are too loud when we try to hw and they need to do something about it. (they said that it was hard to make little kids sit quietly for a long time) | Household challenges |
z6v2mr | 28/11/2022 | 13 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/z6v2mr/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_about_my_new_stepdad/ | step child | My (14m) biological father has never been in my life. He left as soon as he got my mom (50f) pregnant. It’s made worse by the fact that my mom now had to raise me as a single mom while also putting herself through law school, she did a great job and is now a lawyer and I love her with my entire heart.
Now my mom has been seeing this guy Jake (46m) for the past few years and he and my mom are now engaged. Jake has tried to be a father figure type of person but I don’t know how to feel about it. You see because I’ve never had a father figure my entire life I don’t feel like I really need one. All the love and care I’ve ever gotten has been from my mom so I don’t feel like I need any from a guy I don’t know all that well.
My mom keeps talking about how great he is and how “I can finally have a dad” in my life but I just feel like she is trying to force something. I respect Jake as the man my mother loves but I don’t want to view him as anything else.
I don’t know how to feel and I would really like some advice from people because my friends haven’t really been reliable as advice givers. | Household challenges |
y9lfkd | 21/10/2022 | 24 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/y9lfkd/i_feel_like_my_stepmom_is_jealous_of_my/ | step child | I 21f have a stepmom 51f who has been with my dad for 18 years. My dad and I are very close and always have been! My mom and I have pretty much never gotten along partly because I think she dislikes the fact I’m so much like my dad, so I’ve clung to my dad. Him and I always had tv shows we’d watch together, or we’d cook ( I love cooking and always have), we never try to exclude her because I love my stepmom but she’s not really interested in the same things as my dad and I. Shortly after I turned 18 she kept trying to get my dad to kick me out, I ended up moving out because of other reasons but would still come back to visit him and stay over since I have a younger sister there. My stepmom threatened to stay elsewhere when I went to visit because I had accidentally gotten my sister in trouble it turned into a huge argument between all three of us and my dad told her that I was welcome to stay and stay for as long as I wanted. Ever since then she’s treated me kind of crappy and I don’t know what to do… | Household challenges |
sewqh5 | 28/01/2022 | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/sewqh5/what_a_night/ | step child | This is a long post, if you read all the way through you're a rockstar. I needed to get this off my chest and found this group, assumedly of people who can relate. I started some of it while upset last night, finished it just now while working. Here you go.
I was really surprised, but at the same time, I wasn't
What happened tonight was the same as when I was a kid - brushed aside, not allowed to have my own feelings or emotions, and essentially told that I have no opinion and my feelings were wrong.
Let's take this back a bit - I'm 43. In 1982 when I was 3 and a half, my dad passed from leukemia. I have vivid memories of small things - having a sip of been from his nearly empty 8oz or so Michelob beer bottle. One time I was in the front seat of his Packet and remember seeing the road roar by through a hole in the pool leather around the shifter knob. I have a photographic memory of the day my mom received the call to tell us he passed. It was 1982, a clear, blue sky, cold day. My mom was in a 1980'slillte house on the prairie style nightgown, answering the rotary wall phone that was on an odd wall between the kitchen with blue and black linoleum flooring and the living room that had the tv and a wood burning stove on the second floor of the 3 story tenement house my grandmother owned, my dad's mom. She never raised the rent, it was always $110 a month. We lived a block across from the pawsox stadium in an area the Providence journal once referred to as the worst streets of Rhode island... Even though the worst thing on the streets there was the neighbors downstairs from us - one of whom ended up as a prison guard and later got into street fighting and finally disappeared. We had our life, it was good. We went camping every weekend with my dad .. and after he passed, we still sent camping! Every weekend we had a spot at holiday acres, same spot on the corner with the same neighbors, a single strawberry would grow across the way, there were loads of wild blueberries to pick and I even got sting on both shoulders by wasps in the ground! We caught ( my sister and I ) a bullfrog with a hook once, there was Indian soap plants, a rock to jump off of, Santa at Christmas in July - we loved it all and grew up with it!
So my dad passed away and we kept doing those things. My sister and I made light of it, we would joke with our mom to make her laugh; we still share the same dark humor at times, it's what made us (at one point i was sad, my sister tried to make a joke \[She is 18 months older than me\] and said, guess what! Mommy died, too! Another time we drove by the hospital where my dad passed and we both looked out the car window and said "Hi Daddy!" My mom thought we were serious, but we were making a joke to get her to laugh) . We are resilient, strong. We can face death and move on. That's part of our growing up.
Enter the step.
My mom remarried around 1986 when I was 8 or so. It was exciting - we moved from the inner city to what was the country to us, an hour and a half north. We went to a new school and had lots of changes. The step (this is how I am going to refer to the step dad. right now, i can't put dad or father or parent next to step) was hard. His mother was hard on he and his siblings, he had and has anger and control issues, he was in the Navy and extremely religious. I'm all for having faith and believing in God, I have my beliefs, but you don't win people over by forcing it down their throat or by taking things extremely literally. He thought you did and he would. One he broke into the church and stole the manger scene because it was idols. We weren't allowed to wear jeans to high school because its not what he did growing up. Any disagreement, any thing that countered anything he wanted or believed in is a trigger and would make him get angry, yell, and likely lead to a spanking. I know I did things wrong as a kid, I lied about things as most kids do, but he wouldn't take the time to listen to our side of the story. It was his way or the highway. So, we kept the peace and walked on egg shells for years out of fear of making him angry or upset. We had issues and frankly, I did not get close with him. In highschool, a good friend - really one of those kids you definitely want your kids to have as a friend - he peeled out a little after dropping me off at home - his car left a dirt parking area on to pavement and of course it peeled out a little - after that I was told i couldn't drive with him. I could go on and on about stories of control. I think you get the idea.
Fast forward a number of years and I was talking with my sister and i realized, all that we did as a family growing up was the things he wanted to do. We rarely went camping, I rarely went fishing - instead we went out on a canoe (that was his jam) and we went skiing instead. Anything we did were the things he wanted to do, but he never asked about the things we liked to do, it was what he wanted to do and had always done. Gone were the weekends in the camper, fishing on the beach. I realized how it was all what he wanted and that was that.
Skip back now to when I was 12 or so. He wanted to adopt us. We were told the last name would be hyphenated. Sweet, that sounds good to me, makes sense. I do remember being excited, but at such a young age, you aren't thinking about when you grow up and reflect on the past. Personally, if I remarried and those kids knew their dad's family and had memories of him, I would never change their name. So here I am with a hyphenated last name. I used it everywhere - drivers license, work, bank accounts, etc - EVERYTHING. Fast forward a while later and I moved to another state half way across the country. I go to get my drivers license and what was I told? There is no hyphenated last name, only his last name. My original last name was moved to a second middle name. I was pissed and shocked. That's not what I wanted back then. I talked to my mom about it and she didn't say much, but she remembered us being happy about the name change, I'm sure we were, we were kids with no thought about the future. I have reverted the name change and now my last name is MY last name and the steps is a second middle name.
I think you can overall see this pattern of control and, I don't know, manipulation?
So I'm married, have a kiddo, and we live far away. Of course my parents came out when she was born and we helped them come out for her first birthday. We don't get calls from them very often, but we try to at least video chat with them here and there. I expressed to my mom at some point that I feel like we're always calling, that they can call my wife anytime to see our kiddo, so that has gotten better, but, we've noticed (my wife & I) that they haven't brought up coming out to visit again. They were here a year and a few months ago but not since and we realized they haven't brought it up! We've also mentioned that they should fly out to visit during video chats and the suggestion has never been answered, it's like they aren't thinking about coming out. We decided to not mention it at all, let's see how long its going to be before they tell us they would like to come visit. Keep in mind, when my mom and step were working my mom would fly out to see hy sister and her kids 2 to 3 times a year. I frequently picked her up, alone, and brought her to my sister's house. Now they are both retired, sure, the retirement fund isn't as good as they had hoped for, but there's $200 round trip tickets all over the place and it hasn't been mentioned!
So here we are, my wife and I are frustrated about it all. My step and mom helped his daughter move to another state, 15 to 20h away. They helped, drove the truck, hung out for 2 weeks, visited Florida, etc - and I am SO happy they did that, they haven't done anything like that in a very long time. I then found out that the step is going to a men's retreat/conference with his son, something they have wanted to do for a long time - I think it's great! but then I hear that my mom is going, and she's going to hang with his step daughter for the week. That threw me for a loop. I'm thinking, wait. They are paying for tickets for 2 to go to that state, and my mom who hasn't flown to see her kids in over a year is going as well to hang out with him not there? My immediate thought jumps to the trips she used to make out here - why in God's good name would she not have thought, or the step would not have thought to have her come visit her kids - it's a perfect time!!! My wife pressed me to reach out and talk about it with them. She's been pressing me to do so, and inside I know I haven't a) because I don't talk to them often and when we do it is a video chat with our daughter - not a good time. B) I remember growing up with him. Say the wrong thing, he gets triggered and mad.
So things got heated last night, my wife took something the wrong way after having some drinks (I know it was the alcohol causing her to react the way she did) and we got into a small argument... then she left and took a shower. I had a couple drinks but barely had a buzz, but I was feeling like, you know what, let's just do it - let's call and talk about this. So I did. It was late but they were both up. I just bluntly jumped to it and asked why they haven't come out, why haven't they talked about it, why is it that when we mention coming out they don't reply and seemingly avoid the question. Why would you go see his step daughter instead of flying out to see us, her own kids? All I got was, I know, I know, I don't know, I understand - that's it. I tend to cry and get emotional in that way before I get mad or angry, it's really annoying, so this triggered me. It wasn't a good night, The step insisted on putting me on speaker, no big deal, I wanted his answers to the same questions... I started talking and he butted in. He started explaining that they had to help his daughter move, they then got covid, he's going on a men's retreat, etc. He was getting worked up. I tried to cut into the conversation to explain that I am so happy he could help and spend time with his kids, but he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. He stopped and said that I always like to talk, that I don't let others talk and that I butt in the conversation - he didn't have control of it so he got more upset. In his mind, I am upset that they helped his daughter and that he's going to a retreat. I never said I was, but he wouldn't listen long enough to hear me out. I stayed calm, he raised his voice. I explained I am not mad, but we're hurt that there's been no mention of coming out. He brought it right back to his kids and what they were doing with them. He wouldn't listen long enough to even know what I was, we were, upset about. I wasn't going to drop it - I'm a grown ass adult and do not live in that house. Sure, respect my elders, but as an adult, they need to show some respect as well. He started telling my mom that I was angry and to hang up - she didn't. He was getting more worked up so I took control - I said, okay, that's it, Im done, you're angry and I can't talk to you, we'll talk another time, I am hanging up. I did. My mom texted about changing her flight to come here - I want her to, I told her to, but its after the fact.
Part of me knows she's timid with him and he will do what he wants, so I wonder how much that plays into it all. She's not a confrontational person - for instance he took over discipline when they got married, his was way different than hers - and it was left as is. Another part of me though wonders if she's thinking of coming out but he wants to go and doesn't want to be left alone. Maybe its just him - when the things surrounding his children were brought up, that's when he went on the defensive and just hovered on that idea, that I was upset they are going to visit them. I'm not, I want them to know my daughter. I told them, you know how I refer to you to our little girl? I ask her if she wants to see Grandma & Grandpa on the phone. She doesn't know them in person, just through a screen.
I will talk about this again but i will be the center of Zen. I am not stopping to a level that he does. I will stay calm and I will keep it focused on them having a relationship not just with my daughter, but with my sister's kids.
So, to you going through a hard time, I get you. Stay strong and stay yourself.
To you with a name change or regrets about it, don't do it unless you're 100% sure you know you want to. Think about yourself in 30 years, with kids and the name you want them to have - this IS something strictly about you and you alone. It is not disrespectful to not change your name. If you changed your name and were adopted, it's a pain in the butt, but go change it. The process sucks, it should be easier, but it is worth it. I feel freedom after changing it, even though I still have to change it on cards and the bank and work! lol
I wish we could lobby for changes in adoption laws. I would 100% revert it if I could. I want my history to be the real history, not what a piece of paper was changed to. I want my dad's name on my birth certificate. We should not have to jump through hoops to restore our last names! When I went to court, I petitioned to expedite the name change due to being lied to when I was adopted. I explained that I was told the name was hyphenated but they flat out changed it to his name. The judge declined it, which I don't understand - I explained to him that I was restoring the name I was born with, fixing the mistake from the past, but he would not allow it - I had to publish in the paper and make several court appearances, but it got done.
I'm happy I found this group. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I hope things with your steps are better than this.
Peace.
tl;dr dad passed young, mom remarried and adopted us with a different last name, step is controlling, hardheaded and manipulative. I caused an argument and was upset. The deets are above. | Household challenges |
j2ldvv | 30/09/2020 | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/j2ldvv/my_stepmother_calls_me_son_and_i_really_sont_like/ | step child | Hey Wassup everybody,My stepmother calls me son and introduces me as her son i really don't like it. it makes me feel uncomfortable and it bothers me alot and i don't want to say anything so my father doesn't get pissed about it . My mama died 3 years ago,3 days before i was supposed highschool(im 17 btw and im a mamas boy and daddy's boy ) after i came from staying with her after the summer and me and her were real close.she was my right hand, if i couldn't go to my father i went to her even though she was nine hours away. she also didn't like it was gonna call my father about and confront it but i told her not to so he wouldn't fuss at me.I moved to georgia with my father and step mother when i was 10 but i met her when i was 6 .me and her dont have a relationship or a bond and when i met her we really didn't have a bond it was on some"hey how are you doing" and "what did you learn in school" type of thing and some other stuff i dont remember.We also don't talk at all or call each other when im back home.only time we talk is when she ask me to do something or she ask me something and i give a simple straightforward answer(not complaining about that whatsoever lol).i kind of did liked her in the first few months i moved to georgia but about after three months i was fed up with her wanting to move back with my mama.she was doing things and saying things and the way she said them and always complaining made me stop liking her and still don't like her till this day,yes she buys me things she offers to buy things she also taught me some things and i appreciate that cause shes being generous im not a ungrateful person and i give credit when its due but i really don't care about materialistic things im a simple person, also i'm not gonna kiss butt because your generous i don't care how much love you show,you do things i don't like im not messing with you no more. thank you and all but i could simply get it myself or have somebody else get it for me and i don't ask her to do anything or buy me anything and she throws it in my face about what she does for me but anyhoo and i would peep how she would say things to other folks AND ALWAYS COMPLAIN . i wouldn't like it either i felt like "aw she said it to him or her like that she might do it to me" i read people and if you do or say certain things i don't like you I graduate soon and i'm moving back to my home state to live with my grandmother and help her out and i wanna to ask my stepmother in the nicest way not to call me that and not upset my father before i leave because she never asked me if i liked it or anything which i feel like she could have done that could but could yall stepparents or if you have stepparents and know what im going through in the group help me out????please and thank you sorry if it felt like a rant | Household challenges |
hszxei | 17/07/2020 | 4 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/hszxei/confused/ | step child | So I’ve known my step mam for about 4 years now, and we’ve been getting along pretty well, I really like her. It’s just that I find it weird to say I love you and all that, and I don’t know why. Like I do love her, it’s just it feels weird to say it. I don’t hold any kind of resentment towards her and, honestly I’m fine with feeling like she replaced my biological mam, and I feel like she’s a better parent than her. So I don’t know why it feels weird and wrong to tell her how I feel. Anyone got any thoughts on this? | Household challenges |
c5clxn | 25/06/2019 | 12 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/c5clxn/stepmom_introduces_me_as_her_daughter/ | step child | The title says it all...my entire life my stepmom has introduced me to anyone she meets as her daughter. She tells stories to people about me, "her daughter", constantly.
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I have a mother who I love very much, and look just like. It really bothers me when my stepmom calls me her daughter. I said something to my dad about it once and he basically told me to get over it.
Does this bother anyone else? Am I being immature? My blood boils anytime she says it. | Household challenges |
10nvh9a | 29/01/2023 | 7 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/10nvh9a/i_never_called_my_step_mom_mom/ | step child | I (21f) love my stepmom. She's one of my favorite people in the world. However my dad and mom separated when I was young and had 50/50 custody. My bio mom is also in my life and I love her immensely too. I know it's a bit late to start but should I feel bad about not calling her mom? I love her very much but I just don't know how I'd feel about calling her that | Household challenges |
yy7mr4 | 18/11/2022 | 5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/yy7mr4/i_dont_know_how_to_adjust_to_calling_my_stepmom/ | step child | My (16m) parents (39f and 43m) got divorced 4 years ago. My mom has a majority of the custody so I only spend every other weekend with my dad (he loves two hours away from us). My mom met Bridgette (37f) 3 years ago and they got married two months ago.
When they got married my mom told me I had to start calling Bridgette “momma” because I needed to show respect and appreciation for her and how Bridgette was now going to be another mom to me so I had to. I feel awkward calling her that as I haven’t known her for that long and I’ve only had a mom type word for just my mom.
I keep slipping up with calling Bridgette momma and it makes her sad. I appreciate Bridgette and she makes my mom happy and tries to act like another mom for me but it feels weird. Can anyone help me at all with this situation cause I can’t wrap my head around this. | Household challenges |
n0r4gn | 28/04/2021 | 18 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/n0r4gn/soon_to_be_stepmom_lies_about_vaccination/ | step child | I should preface this by saying this is about my dad's long term girlfriend, not a stepmom. However, one day she probably will be. Todau when my dad picked me up, he was on the phone with his GF, but i could hear b/c it was coming through the car speakers.
GF starts talking about how she drove her mom to get the covid vaccine, but i guess the staff accidentally stamped her card too and signed off on it, even though she wasn't planning on getting the vaccine. Instead of bringing it up, she stayed quiet, and when asked by another staff member if she was planning on getting the vaccine, she said no.
She proceeded to call the staff incompetent and stupid, and said she was such a "smart cookie" and now she doesn't have to get vaccinated. Now she is talking about traveling with her new vaccine card. Mind you, i am still in shock, and i have no idea what to do.
She also said she lied to her brother and said she was vaccinated so that he could come down and see her. The whole situation feels very scummy to me,but i don't even know how i would go about reporting this, plus im worried my dad or his GF will suspect i told on her. Has anyone had this happen with a stepparent or even just anyone else?? | Household challenges |
rd593j | 10/12/2021 | 23 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/rd593j/20f_i_have_a_feeling_my_stepmom_secretly_resents/ | step child | Oooooh boy, grab some popcorn.
So basically my parents have been divorced since I was about 4. They hated each other, and I really don’t think their co-parenting could have been any worse while I was growing up.
My Dad first started dating another woman when I was around 7, and I absolutely adored her. She treated me like her own daughter, always included me, and supported my relationship with my Dad. Eventually that turned messy, and he started dating my current stepmom when I was around 10 years old.
Goodness gracious she was the complete opposite of his ex. She also had a son of her own that was about my age. She seemed to be very accepting of me at first, and my and my stepbrother got pretty close. Side note, he had a ton of anger issues and would do some pretty mean things to me growing up including holding my head underwater and overall being aggressive.
After awhile I started to notice the favoritism toward my stepbro with the gifts he got, pics on the wall, super cool bedroom etc. Somehow I would always end up trouble for things he did, and she would never acknowledge his behavior. Even being that young I noticed how she reacted whenever I got attention from my Dad.
Well over time she continued to drive a wedge between me and my Dad, eventually I hated going to his house and stopped going altogether. Fast forward to now, they are married and have two more kids together. I recently moved back in with my Dad due to me and my Mom not getting along super well. I haven’t lived with him for about 7 years, but recently our relationship seemed to be improving and he was actually making an effort so I thought things would be better. BOY was I mistaken lmao. Now my stepmom is back on her bs and creating the same problems she did when I was younger.
She is so passive aggressive and has such a fake demeanor towards me. I’m not gonna say I’m a perfect 20 year old, but I’m respectful, help out, take care of all of my own responsibilities, I’m kind to my brothers, I’m clean and overall I just mind my own business.
It’s hard to explain without sounding dramatic, buts it’s the constant little things. If I try to eat certain snacks that my brothers just ate, she’ll go out of her way to tell me not to eat it all. I told her once that im supposed to drink cranberry juice to help with my bladder issues, and I came home to find all the cranberry juice in the fridge/pantry with tape that said “{her name} only” on it. Every. Single. Bottle.
She acts like im inconveniencing her whenever I have laundry to do. Today, I mentioned to her how I got some new clothes and was super excited, and that I wanted to wash them before tomorrow. She started going on about how she has a ton of my bros laundry to do and that I’ll have to wait until later. I swear this woman does laundry everyday and is always super fast, and for some crazyyy reason today it took her all night to finish two loads. Interesting.
She also makes a specific face whenever my brothers show me affection, not in disgust but more of disdain if that makes sense? Same thing whenever my Dad gives me a sliver of attention, and I notice she will always insert herself somehow.
One of the biggest things that drives me up the wall, she is constantly making these passive aggressive comments towards me acting like she’s just joking around. It’s almost always a critique or something negative. I noticed she only does that when we’re around my Dad, so I’m not sure if that means anything? Whenever I’m dressed up and looking pretty for something (and my Dad is around) her mood kinda changes and she’ll be cranky out of nowhere.
There’s so many other things but I know I’ve made you guys read enough already oh my gosh. I have been nothing but respectful towards her but I’m getting so fed up, i feel like I could snap at her at any moment. I feel like she resents me in some way, and as weird as it sounds I think she might be jealous or something? Ugh I was so happy when me and my Dad started to reconnect, and now I feel like she’s trying to drive that same wedge all over again. I’m just hoping for some sort of advice, or at least to know that my frustrations are valid. Please help ): | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
14mkkfi | 29/06/2023 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/14mkkfi/i_dont_like_my_stepdad_so_heres_the_reasons_why/ | step child | ***How I met Him and the beginning stages***
When I was 11 years old and came back to the UK after 8 years and 2 months. I met my mom's boyfriend who was white and I wasn't aware they were in a relationship. HOwever I don't know what happened but I never saw him again after a while. Couple weeks later I saw another man in our apartment but he was black this time, he seemed pretty cool and got humour, I wouldn't say he was charming but He knew how to crack jokes and seemed pretty responsible.
I remember when he took me to south london and we went to his apartment, I was amazed at how small the place was, and was beginning to wonder what was his living conditions like as he shared the house with 2 other individuals who also lived there.
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***The Problems***
Fast forward to 2018 and my mom decided to marry him in that year. Little did i know that His problems would affect our Life. First of all, he doesn't have a stable income whatsoever and he doesn't have any legal documents that allows him to work like normal in the UK, so the whole financial stuff is on my mom for the entirety of my life, and the life of him and my siblings. Second, ever since he had a biological daughter by my mom, he's been treating her with more respect than my little brother who is his stepson. she would literally falsely accuse him of hitting her and other things and the stepdad would literally come out of nowhere and slap him up or even drag him, but tbh the second part is minor. Third, ever since I got older, I began setting boundaries even if he didn't like it. I can't remember the 2 boundaries that I have set that but I remember always arguing with him about it and he would get mad and over the top instead of just having a normal conversation of disagreement.
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Also I remember always suspecting him of cheating every time i see him talking with a woman that I used to know since 2016, he was always flirty with her and I can tell by the way that they talked to eachother that something was up, my other four siblings was also aware of this and devised a plan to expose him if he slips up.
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These days, if Me or any of my siblings say anything that opposes his opinion, instead of having a normal debate about it, he either gets mad and shout, or cuts the conversation and says end of.
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when we argue, he always tends to ask, "who pays rent in here?" and with honesty I always say "My Mom pays rent". so he gets pressed and angry about it, but I really don't care cuz it's the truth. I only respect him in a sense cuz my mom made him and athourity in the house and I have no choice but to obey
​
This morning I came down to address a problem with him where he likes to just open the door to my room without knocking at times. **Even if I ask who is it?** So I spoke to Him about that and asked him to please knock before coming in and he got so pressed that He shouted at me, so I shouted back just as much and told him there's no need to shout at me. and he called me the P word and stuff and made a call to different members of my family. Tbh, it's not the first time we had arguments, and most arguments started from little things like wasting butter (which i didn't) and everytime i disagree with him, he just shouts and tries to silence me in which he just can't no more. So anyways, one slip up for me and I might get kicked out the house by my mom.
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I hate my step dad with a passion and would do anything to let Him know that I don't like Him in the slightest and we should never speak again. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
15zrje2 | 24/08/2023 | 0 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/15zrje2/stepmother_said_she_didnt_mind_being_evil_toward/ | step child | Im 27 years old. My parents divorced when I was 2. My father got residential custody and moved us in with his parents (my paternal grandmother and his stepfather, who I’ve always known and treated as a grandfather). My father lived with us but was always "working." My grandmother was my rock and main support. She was my mother figure, as I only saw my bio mom for 2 lunches a week and the first & third Saturday of each month. My mother remarried. My stepdad was cool and always knew his place. My father dated a woman for fourteen years until I was 17. When I was 16, my father got kicked out for not paying rent. He moved into a condo that his fiancée, a successful healthcare/insurance executive, paid for. Things were always kind of tumultuous with his fiancée and my family. I considered her a stepmom because we were close and she was around for so long. She never treated me badly but had issues concerning her role in my family. She told people she was our mother, which infuriated my bio-mom. My father was and continues to be extremely passive so he allowed her to behave this way. It went so far as her allegedly telling people that she gave birth to us, according to my grandmother. Things soured and they split. Turns out she was married the entire time, which lent to why we never went to her house. To make matters more complicated, my father was also seeing someone else for the duration of the relationship. This explains why he didn’t come home until midnight/1am on weekdays. He’s a care salesman. He said he was at work but he wasn’t. He just didn’t want to reveal his affair. This woman was also seeing other men. She was engaged to someone else at some point while also maintaining contact with my father. While my father worked, he wasn’t ever really able to be independent. So when he broke up with his fiancée, he had to move. He’d been kicked out of my grandparents so he moved in with his mistress. She has a daughter. They got a townhome together down the street from my grandparents. From the moment she was introduced to me, she gave me the cold shoulder. She was warm to everyone else except for me and it was completely obvious. I never understood why. Perhaps because I saw through their relationship bad she consistently lied about their timeline. She never could face me because I knew she had negative intentions. She would make snarky remarks in my direction. She judged everything I said and did. Mind you, I’m gay and had a bit of a rough coming-out within my very traditional politically oriented family. I was used to being outcasted so I kind of felt that maybe I could just stick it out with her — that she’d come to know me and things would get better. But deep down I knew she was capable of destroying my family.
I no longer identified with my family and started to distrust anyone who affiliated with her. I couldn’t understand how they could have a relationship with her despite the way she treated me. I felt I loved. Invisible. Like the support system I thought I had was more than fragile but broken. I was always incredibly strong minded but felt so weak and defeated. I couldn’t understand why I was giving this person so much headspace. I still don’t. So I essentially ran away. To the opposite side of the county for my first year of college. I didn’t know what I was doing but that I wanted to leave. The awkwardness of my new family situation made me so deeply uncomfortable. I felt that I had something to prove by moving to a prestigious area because inherently I felt such a low sense of self-esteem. Thing didn’t go well. I moved to NYC for a "gap year" which really was just an excuse wrapped up in jargon hiding that my life was in shambles and in an overdrive that I couldn’t control.
My grandmother got sick. A canoe accident that turned into head trauma that developed into dementia. The boat was in no way the cause but the swelling caused severe temporary dizziness. Perhaps it accelerated the neurological deterioration. I moved back from NYC. Commuted to college. Took care of my grandmother as her condition progressed. Changed her diapers. Fed her. Slept in the same bed with her on countless nights because she was a fall risk. But also because she was the only token of familiarity left for me in my family. But I was resentful. My father lived down the street and did nothing. My stepmom was dismissive of my feelings and always made me feel like it was "just" my grandmother dying — somehow less than the pain she felt when her father died. My grandfather wanted to sell our home. My dad wanted to buy it but my stepmother said I made her not feel like family, so she refused. The house sold for pennies. It was the home my grandfather built with his hands. It was my grandmothers pride and joy. It was the place of my greatest memories.
We all went separate ways. My father had an extra bedroom for my brother (I have two older brothers) but not for me. I moved into a shitty basement studio in the nearby city. Stayed there for a year. Couldn’t wrap my head around the dissolution of my family and the fact that this person - my stepmother - was given the power to make such impactful decisions regarding all of us and that my father was letting her. My grandmother was placed into an assisted living facility. I felt that it was my fault because my stepmother blamed me for why they didn’t purchase our home. I couldn’t understand what was so wrong with me that I made her and her daughter so uncomfortable that she was willing to destroy my family. Her feelings and her daughters feelings always took precedent over what was best for my brothers and I. If I tried to voice this, I was shut down and told I was overly sensitive and dramatic.
I wanted to go to law school. She rolled her eyes and told me I was unintelligent. After college, my studio lease was up. I had struggled immensely in school. I went from someone who was academically gifted to having a hard time writing an essay. I basically couch surfed between my dads and my moms while working in the service industry. My stepmother invited me to live with her after I basically slept on her living room couch fo 3 months. I was ridiculed constantly by her and her daughter. They invalidated everything I said but if I was quiet I was making them uncomfortable. I couldn’t win. Her daughter was extremely introverted - didn’t go to college, had few friends and no social life. But I was the weird one if I didn’t talk. We eventually started to argue because I felt picked on. She constantly reminded me that it was her house and that she wasn’t going to walk on eggshells. It got so uncomfortable that I left. Moved into one of my uncles rental units. It was decent inside but the building was dirty and dilapidated. I stopped speaking to my dad. I could understand how he didn’t defend me in the multitude of moments that I was berated by his wife for doing nothing. For existing. She said she didn’t care if she was to become an evil stepmother toward me while my father was always passive and quiet. What hurts not are the words of your enemy but the silence of your friend. I couldn’t feel this more deeply in relation to my family.
A year went by of basically no contact despite the fact that they lived down the road. I was approved for a lease in a much nicer town at a much nicer apartment. My father was shocked when my uncle told him I was moving. He called me and said he felt that he failed me and didn’t provide me an environment in which I could thrive and be successful as I had always envisioned. As he knew I could be. He plead with me to move back in. I deliberated until the last hour and didn’t sign the lease. I moved back in. But by this point I was used to being a recluse. I had no relationship with any of my family members. I lost all my friends. I had no confidence or self esteem. No direction. I was suicidal. Extremely depressed. And worked many hours at a better paying job, albeit also in the service industry, as a means to escape but also a means to just get by. And that’s what I was doing. Just getting by.
I was 26 and hardly surviving. Making great money but I can’t tell you where it went. Mainly takeout and food delivery. I did nothing with my life otherwise. If I wasn’t working I was sleeping. And by sleeping I mean I would sleep for 2 days at a time if I was off consecutively.
So I moved back in. I also bought a franchise with my brother which meant that I was working more. I didn’t get congratulated for buying a business and it was clear from the moment that I reentered their home that I wasn’t welcome by my stepmom or her daughter. Their distaste for me was permeable. For once in my life I was finally making good money but still I wasn’t good enough to be treated as human. I was still the scapegoat for everything. If I breathed in the wrong direction I was criticized. I started to argue with my stepmom again. I said I felt that she didn’t like me. She said she was learning to dislike me and that again, I made her so uncomfortable that she was considering divorcing my father. She went so far as to pointing out the apartment complex she was considering. I felt so compromised. I didn’t know what to say or do but just knew that I didn’t want to feel attacked anymore. So I left. Again. Leased an apartment and moved out. Its now 7 or 8 months later and I haven’t spoke to her and I’ve hardly had a relationship with my dad. She’s posted about me countless times on Facebook and Instagram and even created an additional Instagram account to post cryptic quotes that conveniently appeared after each of our arguments. She also used these accounts to show her relationships with my other family members, including a new niece and nephew. A family that she took from me. A family that she loves to parade as not including me.
I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel alone. I attempted suicide 2 months ago and saw a psychiatrist who recommended inpatient. It’s hard for me to even describe the last 10 years and my relationship with her because I don’t even trust my own feelings. Any time I open up I feel like I’m going to be invalidated. The kid who at one time was 17 and hopeful for his future had died. I’m 27, severely depressed, nearly mute if I’m not working and also so incredibly anxious. I can’t form relationships with people. I feel so I secure. I doubt everything about myself.
I miss my father. I miss the security I used to have. I wish I didn’t leave this last time because maybe if I’d stayed longer she would have actually left. Maybe things would have gotten better, even if that meant another argument or two.
I don’t understand what is wrong with me. Why there seems to be, according to my stepmother, something inherently so uncomfortable and wrong about me. She said I’m "exactly" like my mother, who I know she has a level of distaste for. I have been through many things in my life but this has been the worst and I am at my breaking point. I know I sound like I’m whining but I have no one to talk to.
I have a feeling that if I ask my dad if I can stay with him again he’s going to say no. I know she would laugh, despite that her 32 year old daughter still lives there. I have no stability. Rant over I guess. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
11b6ixg | 25/02/2023 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/11b6ixg/my_stepdad_drives_me_insane/ | step child | I really dislike my stepdad or as I like to refer to him, my mom's husband. My mom married him when I was 8 and it was only a few months after my real dad died. My mom then fell in love with her coworker Dane (my stepdad). Dane has always been an obnoxious person who can't keep his mouth shut. He has always tried acting like he is my dad and used to constantly demand that I call him dad. He tried literally everything to try and get me to call him dad, like saying how Im his "baby girl", to saying my dad would want me to have a father figure, etc,etc.Dane is also kind of a creep, for example me and my mom are big fans of superhero movies. You can say what you want but I love them. Well for Halloween last year I was finally able to go to this halloween party with my mom (I am 18 so my mom finally let me) and Dane decided to tag along. Well me and my mom wanted to go as superheroes due to our love of them. So Dane says he will order them, when they finally arrive he got my mom a very revealing Wonder Woman costume and for me a semi revealing Scarlet Witch costume. Since it was the day before the party and they didn't have those costumes in our size at stores near us, we just took them and wore them.At the party he basically showed off my mom like she was an object and then I overheard him talking with a friend of his about how "Im developing" and they both snickered. I was grossed out and furious but my mom didn't do anything because she says he has a "weird sense of humor". To make it worse he seems to refuse to accept me coming out as lesbian and says stuff like how I'll "get over it one day", and on top of that keeps trying to set up dates for me with guys he finds "acceptable to date his princess". Im just tired of dealing with Dane and Im not planning on having much contact with him when I move out for college. Anyways thanks for listening. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
10h7t3x | 20/01/2023 | 3 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/10h7t3x/crazy_stepmother/ | step child | I'm not normally one to go on a rant like this, but I am about fed up. I live with my grandmother. I have always lived with my grandmother as my father was a teen parent, and my mother left the picture when I was about 3. Even when my father moved out, I always made it clear I wanted to stay with my grandmother as she took over the role of mom, so we have always had a close bond. Me and my father have always gotten along great but some of his lifestyle choice's I don't agree with, but it's his life and I'm not going to tell him how to live it.
My father started dating a woman he had a crush on for years, but he never really knew her all that well. Within 6 months of dating, they were engaged. I liked her at first, as I like to give everyone, I meet a fair chance. A family member knew of some of the activities she was involved in (drug dealing, doing drugs, police putting a GPS on her vehicle to track where she was) years before and told us we needed to tell my father to run! At this point though everyone wanted to give her a chance hoping she had changed as it seemed she had turned her life around. My father moved in with her and she began to become very controlling after that.
We start to get close to the wedding and everyone finds out she is pregnant. I was excited I had always wanted a sibling (of course when I stop asking, I get one). We find out later that she had made my father sign a prenup and that if they ever get divorced, she gets everything. My fathers the type of guy though that he wants to work things out he doesn't believe in divorce unless adultery is involved. Now the wedding comes and goes, (she tries to force me to move in which does not happen) and my little brother is born. Within the first year of the baby's life there were quite a few fights where he was kicked out and accused of cheating which there was no way he could have considering he was at work all day and my uncle was with him, plus she was tracking his phone. (This was nothing compared to what happens later)
We now move on to when baby number two arrives. Now let me tell you these two little babies are the sweetest things ever. After the littlest one is born things are great for about 4 months I would say, they had gotten into an argument, once again. There have been issues on both sides and he once again was kicked out. They work it out and get themselves together. I had been staying a lot of weekends since baby 1 was born so I could spend time with my brothers and give Dad and my stepmother a break (as well as my stepsister as she had been being asked to watch the boys to much in my opinion and wasn't being allowed to be a teenager, but another parent). The only thing was when Me or my stepsister are available to babysit, they take it as an opportunity to throw a party downstairs, I'm not saying having some unwind time with friends is a bad thing but when I found out drugs were involved that's a whole different story (especially since they both had been supposedly clean for years). Things started to go downhill really fast; the fights picked back up but this time instead of yelling it turned physical. She had gotten messed up and had picked a fight, so my dad had picked up the oldest baby figuring maybe they could use a break from each other she started trying to punch my father and punched the baby in the process, so he took both the boys loaded them up worried for their safety. She then called the police on him for taking the boys and preceded to pull a full on fast and furious car chase. On another occasion she called him threatening divorce, and that she was going to take the two babies and he would never see them again (using my brothers as a weapon against him).
This particular time I had agreed to watch my brothers for the evening They had wanted to go to a friend's house, so I agreed even though I had plans early the next morning, my grandmother and her husband stayed with me till 12am as they wanted to see the little ones. my stepsister had taken the oldest baby to bed with her once she got home from work and I had the little one with me downstairs he had a bad cough, so I was sitting on the recliner holding him on my chest trying to keep him elevated enough he wouldn't choke. 3am rolls around and I watch my father coming in through the door (without his wife) and locking it telling me to not let anyone in. He then grabs the baby and takes him upstairs to bed with him and getting the oldest from my stepsister. I head to the guest bedroom and go to sleep in my jeans as i forgot to bring pjs. Morning rolls around and i head upstairs to check on my brothers to find my stepmother is back at home, but something seemed off between the two of them. Me and my father took the two boys' downstairs so he could fix them breakfast and I texted my grandmother asking if she could bring me my clothes since I was supposed to be at home, I hadn't brought my stuff with me and I didn't have anything at my stepmoms, and she was supposed to come pick me up anyways. I tried helping my dad in the kitchen till low and behold my stepmother walks in (I did get pretty mad at my father for how he responded) she began claiming that my dad cheated on her at the party even though he was with people that were there and could verify he was talking to his buddy. She then begins to demand his keys to his vehicle, and he tells her no because she has just taken off before after something like this happened. So, she starts trying to dig into his pockets and he pushes her off of him and she tries to go at him again and he pushes her so hard she falls into the dining/living room slamming into one of the chairs. I am standing here frozen at this point, then they start going at it all the way into the living room, the baby boys both in their highchairs watching this and screaming and crying because mommy and daddy are fighting. I finally stop dead staring as he has pushed her into the couch and was holding her by the neck, so I run over and grab his arm and start pushing it off of her and telling him he needs to let go. As soon as I manage to get him off, she pops right off the couch and starts mouthing off again and started yelling saying even though I just watched the whole thing I would probably lie for him because our whole families made of liars. I kept my mouth shut at this point because there is no need egging her on, my stepsister comes downstairs and takes over being in between them while I run over to the boys trying to calm them down (and that is why I no longer spend the night).
A few weeks later another argument rolls around my father called asking me if I wanted to grab lunch with him and the boys (I thought it was odd when he didn't mention her). He comes and picks me up only to start ranting to me that they had got to fighting and she had pulled a gun and threatened to shoot herself in front of the two boys.
The latest spat is about me though I am a graduated high school student now I graduated 6 months early, my step-grandfather paid for my high-school program my father said he would pay him back which he never did. My stepmother wanted me to get a job as soon as I turned 15, and I understood that I wanted to work but covid had started and I was high risk. I also only had my learners (I still only have my learners) and that's how she was trying to get me to move in holding that I didn't have a job over my head but if I moved in with her, she could drive me to work. My father also said he would pay for drivers Ed which he never did, and I told my grandparents who take care of me that my father rarely does anything, and they had already spent a lot of money on me they are not going to pay for my drivers ed if I have to ill wait till, I'm 18 to take the test. Which that seems like what's going to be happening considering I have had my learners for about 3 years, which my grandmother cleans an office building once a month and an elderly man's house once a week and has handed that over to me so I can have the cash from doing that I'm also trying to find a job online I can do for the time being.
I recently though had to go to the ER for a medical problem I had. I held off going to the ER because I knew it would become a money issue with my stepmother (as they have me on their insurance and tax return and in all honesty my grandparents should be getting that money as they have taken care of me not them). All the doctor's offices were booked 4 weeks out and when I got to the Er, they said it was good I came in then because if I had waited any longer it could have become dangerous. But after I got back from the hospital instead of, I'm glad you are ok, I get fussed about for a hospital bill! She also concocted a plan in which she got me back in contact with my mother, I'm glad she did but I knew it was for an ulterior motive and I got my answer why today. She started saying my mom needed to step up to the plate and take on responsibility. My father asked my mother to leave when I was younger as she kept trying to come in and out of my life, he told her she didn't need to pay child support because she was young too and could barely keep her life together, but she wasn't going to walk in and out of my life like his dad did. I'm glad me and my mother are talking but I don't need or wish my stepmother to try and control what me, my mom or any of my family try and do. I really love my two little brothers, but I believe it's best I don't go over there again as she has started all-out war over going to the ER.
Please excuse me for my rant, but its better I let if out on here than in front of my family and cause more issues. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
y47tpr | 14/10/2022 | 11 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/y47tpr/stepmom_hates_me_and_it_ruined_my_relationship/ | step child | Sorry in advance if this gets a bit ranty/disorganized, this just has been building up over years and I never got to properly talk about it...
I'm not necessarily looking for advice and more just to rant, but if anyone does have any kind of advice on how to handle this, I wouldn't mind that either.
So, both of my parents got married again after their divorce, and it's been a few years. Both assured me they'd always love me, there's always a place for me, and so on... My stepdad is awesome, if a bit rough around the edges. He never had kids, so some things were hard to navigate, but I really think him, my mom and I have grown into a happy, healthy family.
My stepmom on the other hand pretty much destroyed my relationship with my dad. I honestly don't know why... I like to think I wasn't a troublesome kid to deal with.
There was exactly one time I lied to them, when we visited my grandma on mom's side of the family and I told my dad I wasn't in town, then they found out I actually was and got mad, but I really think that's the only time I outright did something "bad".
And honestly, at first it seemed like my stepmom liked me, but at some point things tipped over and every time I visited, there was something I did wrong in her eyes... I was too quiet, too introverted, too "dirty" (just normal issues with hygiene that most teens deal with I'd say), I slept for too long, I didn't help out enough... And I tried my best to fix the things I could. I showered every day, put on an alarm to get up earlier, and offered to help (which always just got me an annoyed look of "Should've offered that sooner", even if I did it as soon as I noticed her cleaning something or being in the kitchen) but it just didn't change, there still was always something to berate me about. I feel like she just didn't like my mom's parenting style and things that my mom was totally fine with just bothered her but idk, it always felt like I was this huge problem. To put it into perspective... At the hight of my anxiety, the small voice in my head that was always nagging me about everything I did sounded like her voice, that's how bad it was for years.
So, to no one's surprise, I became less and less comfortable with being there and generally had less contact with my dad. Then she got mad about that, that I didn't reach out enough. One time she sat me down, told me it made my dad sad that I didn't text him more and followed it up with essentially "You better fix this, because everyone who upsets my husband is my enemy"... Like, why would you say that to someone who's... 13-15 years old? I get that I could've done more and to an extend I regret that, but at the same time it sometimes felt like it was only me who had to put in the effort of staying in contact, never them.
I'm 20 now and this whole thing has progresses to me now being almost NC with my dad (partially due to generally being uncomfortable there and partially because he was never on my side/backed her up on a lot of things). I text him on father's day and his birthday, but that's it. I tried wishing my stepmom a happy birthday too last time, but she left me on read so... I guess I know where I stand there. Last year I spent christmas with his side of the family, but he was really busy and stepmom essentially ignored me. That was kind of the final nail in the coffin, I just don't want to go there anymore.
So yeah, I genuinely think once my grandma (who lives with them since she's sick) dies, that's gonna be my last tie to that side of the family breaking. I'm not interested on continuing a relationship with a side of the family where one party hates me and the other doesn't really care.
This is already ranty enough so if you've read until now, feel free to leave it at that, but since I'm already on it, I might as well get some of the other things out that have built up over the years...
- For one, she has sons too and, big surprise, when they started being teenagers, they got pretty similar to me ("lazy", sleeping a lot, typical teenage smelliness) and it essentially wasn't an issue.
- One time my grandma gave me a bit of money that I accidentally kept inside my pants pocket and when stepmom found it while doing laundry, she barged in, thrusted the money towards me and asked what that was... Later called my grandma to confirm she gave me that money, so I very much think stepmom just assumed I stole that which... I've never stolen anything in my life and idk why she immediately jumped to that conclusion
- One time her and my dad had a fight over something and when she later walked by him and me hugging, she flipped out again, insulted him etc., and he said smth along the lines of "Are you upset again because my daughter is visiting?" She denied it at the time, but I have reason to believe that might really have been an issue
- Made me believe there was something genuinely wrong with me for being quiet and preferring to be home and not having/wanting a whole lot of friends (essentially just being an introvert)... I thought for years I was just broken, until I eventually realized it's okay to be an introvert, but before that were years of thinking I was terrible for being the way I am
- I went out with my stepbrothers one time and was just taking a break while they rode around with their bikes in the other direction... They apparently ran into my stepmom's cousin, and told me so when they got back, but when I turned around to check, nobody was there. Cousin apparently called my stepmom and told her how I didn't say hi, so stepmom chewed me out for being so rude... When I said I didn't see cousin, she just wouldn't believe me and told me to stop making excuses.
- She got hung up about me being selfish because I ate a lot of food once or something... Later that same day we all shared some fruit and when I finished my piece, my dad offered me to get the rest of his. I said several times I didn't want it but he insisted, so when I finally gave in just to make the discussion stop, stepmom exploded because "That's exactly what I meant, you're so selfish"... I still don't know what I was supposed to do in that situation other than forever be in a cycle of "I don't want it" "Just take it, it's okay"
- We went to visit stepmom's family for christmas one year and I wasn't told we'd be staying over night, so I didn't have a change of clothes... The next day I tried to sit with everyone and my stepmom randomly leaned in and quietly told me I smelled horrible, which just made me feel bad and I essentially spent the rest of the day sittinf away from everyone else because I felt like I'd be bothering them otherwhise... In turn, I was then bad for not socializing
- One time we were looking for a movie to watch on Netflix and when they read through one I just noted I had already watched that one (kind of in a neutral tone, in my mind I was gonna add smth about whether it was good or not) and she immediately cut me off saying in am annoyed tone that nobody cares
- Last year on Christmas I actually had a bit of a talk with my grandma and she randomly noted how she often felt like my stepmom maybe was jealous of me, which honestly... Yeah, it might be an explanation for a lot of things? But at the same time I don't get it, because... I'm my dad's daughter, I'm never going to fulfill the same role as his wife
- One year they sent me a birthday present as a package which got delivered to the post office due to us not being home and I couldn't pick it up before my birthday so I was gonna pick it up that afternoon... Then I got a long text from my dad on my birthday, right after school (when I couldn't even have unpacked anything yet) about how he was so disappointed that I didn't even say thanks (when before that I think HE hadn't even wished me a happy birthday) and so on, and I really couldn't say anything other than "I didn't get it yet, sorry, I'll pick it up later." Then I got an angry text by my stepmom about how she's going to check via post tracking if I was lying... Which I obviously wasn't, so I didn't hear back, but nobody ever apologized for blowing up at me.
Now that's REALLY all I've got for now, sorry for making it so long, I don't think anyone even read this far (Which is fine, I guess this is more a rant for myself than anything) | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
u9smy2 | 23/04/2022 | 11 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/u9smy2/i_dont_know_why_and_im_done/ | step child | I can't believe I never searched for a stepkids subreddit before. I found this on my primary account and created this new account to post here.
I don't really know how to talk to people about what I went through with my stepmom and bio-dad, I don't think anyone who had a nuclear family really understands what stepkids can go through and the way media presents it is so dumb. It always gets presented as either step-parents are assholes and biological parents are the only ones who can love their children (looking at you, Roland Emmerich) OR it's just the step-parent trying to make things work and the kid hates them.
My step-mom hates me and I don't why. At first, she was really sweet and amazing and I thought I was so lucky to have two sets of parents that loved me. After my step-mom and bio-dad got married, that's when she became very distant and somewhat verbally abusive and my bio-dad was okay with it. My interpretation of it was that she was just trying to "get in" and once she was in, she wanted me "out". She tried to spend as little as time as possible around me after that and never spoke to me unless it was necessary.
The few times it was necessary, it was usually over my performance in college. I had moved to their area to go to college there as at the time, I didn't understand what was happening and I thought if I tried to be in their lives more, maybe things would be different. I did not think about how my mom and step-dad would feel about this. I apologized to them later after some real shit went down between my step-mom/bio-dad and me about grades. Fortunately they forgave me. I think they understood that I was confused and was not trying to abandon them for "my REAL family" or something bizarre like that. But at the time I saw my relationship with my bio-dad and step mom failing and I desperately wanted to save it. I went to a school I had just barely gotten into and the courses I took were beyond my capability because I was trying to get into a field that was seen as successful to impress my family. I was miserable and when I was confronted by my step-mom and bio-dad about my grades, She said "I always knew you couldn't do it". The distant just got worse from there.
Her whole demeanor would change around me. Anytime I was around, I hardly ever saw her smile or express anything that would constitute interest in a conversation or being in area that I was in, but whenever I saw her with anyone else, it was all smiles and joy and warm-ness. It started to strike home in me that she just hated me and there might not be a cure for it.
My bio-dad tried to compromise between my step-mom and me. Looking back at it makes me wonder how I tolerated it. It was so pathetic. But at the time, so was I. There was a point where I took out my anger on my step-dad/bio-mom for how college was going for me and I went to stay with step-mom/bio-dad. It was awful, they threatened to make me homeless by no longer supporting me through college. I had no money. My bio-dad decided not to go through with it, but I'm sure my step-mom was not happy with that decision. For the next few years I was terrified that they would pull the rug from under me and finish college. I started working to make myself as financially independent as possible.
I finished school and started working in a field I was decent at. I tried to salvage what was left of our relationship, but after awhile I realized I that there was nothing that could cure what was once fear, my now hatred of my step-mom and bio dad. It pisses me off every single day. I'm so angry at them for being the way that they were. I would never accept a partner that didn't love my kids, I would never marry someone with kids and not be their parent. If I was my bio-dad, I would've divorced my SO for this shit. They are no longer in my life and they will never see their first grandchild or see me get married. I don't claim to be perfect, but I do claim to have thought that if I loved my step-mom and dad, then things would've worked out
It's not all bad though. Contrasted to my step-mom and everything I just wrote, my step-dad is incredible. He is a great dad and just a great guy really. My mom really lucked out for sure. They have a couple kids now and we are not treated differently from each other. My step-dad told me once that he sometimes gets asked "how can you love kids that are not your own?" (which just goes to show the general attitude towards stepkids) and he responses "Hell sometimes I like them more than my own" which I thought was pretty funny. Sometimes my siblings are pretty annoying (when are siblings not, right? lol). I love my half-siblings as my own. I don't explain to anyone that we're half-siblings unless they ask because A) I don't see them as my half-siblings and B) I'm not ashamed of what we are. I still see them often and we are pretty happy.
I guess in the end, your real family are the ones that are not bound by blood or marriage, but simply by love. I don't know why people enter these relationships with hate for their step-kid, but I'm done with it and I never want anything to do with them again | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
15xqqw5 | 22/08/2023 | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/15xqqw5/question_for_step_kids/ | step parent | Been with fiancé going on 6 years. Step daughter 9’s mom is high functioning but very mentally ill. She’s been telling SD “your dad loves your step mom more than he loves you” and worse since the kid was 3. At 4 years old she told her she would die if the kid was nice to me. Naturally the kid trying to save her mom’s life was a jerk. She’ll make up lies and do whatever she can to make sure her daughter and I don’t have a healthy relationship bc she’s still not over the dad.
Sooo for years she bad mouthed us, some things were true, lots were completely made up. Most times I’ve done something nice with my Sd resulted in angry phone calls stating “you think she’s a better mom than me? She’ll stop caring about you the moment her and your dad break up”. My fiancé refused to tell his daughter the truth about how sick her mom was but recently we have been.
Sd would often accuse us of things her mom said or just be moody based on something she said and she seemed visibly depressed.
I keep hearing that there should be a presentation of a united front, but I also don’t know how well this works when both parties don’t agree to do this. The mom has bpd and is a narcissist so she will only act like she’s on teams with us to achieve an ulterior motive.
Do you think controlling the narrative matters or should we let the kid believe lies about us?
How should I as a step parent interact with the kid knowing it will agitate her mom and cause more trauma?
At this point it’s been emotionally traumatic for me, so I’m pretty dissociated when she’s around (every other week), but I don’t feel like it’s healthy. I’m very cordial, but we also barely talk when I’m watching her. Is this doing more damage?
I guess I’m asking “when your mom blatantly hates and attacks your step mom + dad and uses you as a pawn, what is the most realistic way for your dad and step mom to create a healthy environment?”
Also how do I deal with the discomfort of SD coming around due to all the trauma stemming from her being there? | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
14me5td | 29/06/2023 | 7 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/14me5td/jealous_stepmom/ | step child | Y’all, I cannot deal with this anymore. I am 23F and my dad and stepmom are in their 50s. My parents divorced when I was younger, and my biological mother passed when I was 17, ironically the same week my dad and stepmom got married. For the past 6 years I’ve dealt with my stepmother being ridiculously jealous of me. Since I’m older, my dad and I used to have daddy-daughter dates for some bonding one-on-one time, but those quickly came to a stop when my stepmom decided she didn’t like that he was spending time with me outside of her even though I haven’t lived at home since I was 18 so she gets his attention full time. SM has no kids of her own, so I understand that she can’t comprehend my relationship with my dad. 2 years ago I went 8 months of no contact with my dad and SM due to the disrespect that she gives to me and how my dad allows it. Since, we have managed to get back on decent terms. We decided to vacation to London and Paris this week as my dad wanted to experience my first out of country vacation with me. Stepmom is along with her nephew (21M) and it started out fine. We are 5 days in and I can say she has ultimately ruined this experience for me and I have decided to never travel with her again. Some examples: my dad was taking photos of me in front of the Eiffel Tower and she quickly got angry and started yelling at my dad “Take my picture! You should be taking my photo, I’m your wife!” She continued to bitch and whine about this for 2 hours following the incident. Yesterday, I had a work call I needed to be on that afternoon, so I asked to go back to the hotel to have some quiet and I would meet them afterwards- but my dad decided he wanted to come back as well to rest before dinner and the nighttime tour through Paris. When stepmom and her nephew came back to hotel to get ready for dinner, she pulled me out in the hallway and yelled at me for leaving them without telling them and no battery on their phones. (I sent texts to both stepmom and nephew that I would be leaving for a couple of hours and my dad told them in person that we would be going back to hotel. There was no mention of low battery on phones and they were definitely made aware of our absence). I simply apologized that she felt that way and reminded her that I had told her many times about my scheduled call. She had a horrible attitude the rest of the day. It was miserable. My dad went to compliment my outfit today and I shushed him and mentioned how I didn’t want my stepmom to hear because she will get angry and be in a nasty mood. My dad is my only living parent and I would love to keep my relationship with him, but I cannot handle my stepmother anymore. It hurts that he cannot show love to me without her being so nasty to me and my dad about it. My dad is a quiet man and won’t stand up for himself although he mentions to her that he doesn’t like her attitude but nothing changes. Overall, she’s beyond immature. And I’ve completely supported myself since 18 yrs old, so all I can do is remove myself from them. Which hurts me so much since I long for the relationship with my dad, but I’ve kinda given up.Anyone relate? I feel so alone. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
p3bdr8 | 12/08/2021 | 18 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/p3bdr8/does_my_stepmom_hate_me_or_does_she_just_not_like/ | step child | So my dad is basically Mr. Worldwide with all the women he dated only to end up with a local (that being my stepmom).
By that point I was I wanna say... 11 and was so used to dad's lady friends coming and going that I was just waiting for them to break up. But nah, they ended up being married. At the start of meeting Stepmom her and I would interact a fair amount. She would ask me how school was and I ended up saying "Same old same old" and would go to my room to daydream. But other than that we would talk. Sometimes get our nails done. It was nice. I acted cutesy and childish (without realizing it, I changed myself in hopes of her loving me). That would then cause insecurities of her not loving me which upset her. My insecurities stemmed from this one bitch my dad dated who would make me stay over at mom's simply because she didn't want me around dad. And dad would comply. So of course that scarred little me (I was 9 or 10 at the time of that fiasco.) Stepmom from then on was more distant with me. There were also some incidents where we would play around (she plays rough) and I would then start to freak out because again I was traumatized from that other girl dad used to date. So she stopped playing with me. Whenever Stepmom wanted to pull a prank or something on dad I would rat because I just thought we were joking around or some shit I don't know!
So here we are now... distant as all hell. Our conversations last around 10 seconds to 2 minutes tops. I remember opening up to her recently about how I was catcalled and followed in hopes of her warming up some more but she just said "Did you tell your parents? Maybe you shouldn't be walking around alone." When I explained that this happened right down my block and in broad daylight she went "Hm." And that was the end of the conversation.
On Christmas she buys plenty of gifts for me including anxiety books (she knows I have it) and then that makes me so conflicted because I'm like... so she doesn't hate me? Or is she just like "ah she's whatever" with me?
I remember one time my dad was being a douche and said "go get the thing" as he pointed to a bunch of stuff. When I said I don't know what he's talking about he gets angry and got slightly more specific albeit still rude. I then said "Ah ok. But you... didn't have to say it like that." Then Stepmom, who was quiet during the whole thing, inserted herself in the situation saying "you're a child, he's the adult, he can talk to you however he wants" and I'm thinking "Tf? Whenever my dad is being a pos you say nothing but the moment I respectfully bring up a good point suddenly you hope in and say something?"
Like... I can't figure her out!
Maybe deep down she really does care about me but just doesn't know how to deal with me. And I don't know how to deal with her. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if deep down I actually resent her to a degree! I remember crying about how she doesn't seem affectionate with me and she said she does that because she simply wasn't raised like that and that I'm not her biological kid so she's unsure how my mom would feel about that (she brought up a good point but little me was not mentally mature enough to truly get that)
I guess she can't figure me out just like I can't figure her out. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
14eqzl2 | 20/06/2023 | 2 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/14eqzl2/my_stepdad_bottles_up_his_feelings_and_then_takes/ | step child | So I've been living with my Mom and stepdad for quite some time now, growing up my biological father was an acholic and left, a couple years later my mom met my current stepdad when I was in 4th grade, I'm currently 20 years old. Growing up I was a pretty lazy kid that liked to skip school and play video games all day and oftentimes I would hear him muttering to himself about how useless I was so naturally my opinion of him wasn't the greatest. He would continue to do this for quite some time. Fast forward to today, I graduated form high school and wasn't sure what to do with my life and a part of me still feels this way but I've been working on being more productive I.E going to work, working out, cooking for myself, my current goal is to be a professional bodybuilder and Im working very hard to reach my goal. But still to this day he is always quiet, angry and would snap at the smallest of problems like not cleaning the dishes right after or not doing laundry even though I'm not asked to. Eventually he would let out these bottled feelings and come screaming at me, using every every work under the sun just to prove to himself that I'm useless even tho I know I'm not. I've talked to my Mom about this and she also agrees he can be crazy sometimes. Unfortunately once the ball starts rolling anything I say or do just makes the problem worse. I came to reddit because I feel like this is the only place I can talk about this anonymously and this problem is really starting to weigh down on me. Thank you so much for reading | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
13g0l8m | 12/05/2023 | 13 | https://www.reddit.com/r/stepkids/comments/13g0l8m/am_i_22f_in_the_wrong_for_not_having_stepdad_be/ | step child | So my parents (49M and 46F) broke up when I was a baby and later on when I was 8 my dad met my StepMom who I'll be calling Laina (47F), my mom met my StepDad who I will call Frank (51M) when I was 11. They got married when I was 13. Frank tried being my dad and I hated it, he never respected boundaries, was kinda creepy by trying to talk to me about feminine hygiene, etc. He hated that I never called him dad and it led to us just not having a relatinship. He and my mom got divorced when I was 19 after he cheated on her. For my wedding I will be having my dad as father of the bride and both my Mom and Laina as mothers of the bride, they are fine with this. I have not kept much contact with Frank since my mom left him but he found out about my wedding and called me furious, asking why he wasn't included as a father of the bride. I told him that he was never a father figure and that he wasn't even my stepdad anymore. He got pissed and started yelling about how he was more of a man than my father ever was and other crap so I just hung up. I told my mom and she said she got calls from him too and that he threatened her. She told me to consider just doing it to stop any drama but I am pretty firm on this. Frank has been bombarding me on social media calling me a terrible excuse for a human and daughter. So I don't know what to do anymore. | Lack of involvement and indifferent parenting |
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