text
stringlengths 20
3.04k
|
|---|
>be me\n>high school\n>notice I haven't said a word in the first week>idea.docx\n>what if I pledge a vow of silence\n>actually commit >ffw a year >selective mutism >crippling social anxiety >art teacher thought I had autism\n<|endoftext|> |
>I just lost an argument in my head against a person that doesn't even exist>l even stuttered <|endoftext|> |
>Some friends I played games with used to call me goblin due to my nose>didn't see them for about 3 years\n>started to workout since then >got really buff >saw them again yesterday >now they call me hobgoblin <|endoftext|> |
>be Russian\n>turn 18\n>get conscripted into the Army\n>show up to your unit\n>get relentlessly bullied by every minority group>get sent into a warzone with zero training>drive into combat in an unarmored Ural truck\n>get shot in the face by a Ukrainian partisan after making it a km past the border>unit needs to take Kiev tomorrow, so no time to recover casualties>your body gets tossed to the side of the road\n>your body starts to rot and become a health hazard. local villagers bury you in a shallow grave>your body is never found and your mom spends the rest of her life wondering what became of you<|endoftext|> |
>manage to get a gf at 23 >move in together >things are really looking good for me aa >two years go by>one day get drunk at home with her >she says she's been fucking her coworker who she >figure she's just drunk and making stuff up >go through her phone just in case >mfw she's been sexting and exchanging nudes with him >leave the apartment while she's ranting about how good >she's moves in with him a month after <|endoftext|> |
>wanting to kill yourself\n>remembering your chances of spawning back as indian are too<|endoftext|> |
>be me >road trip with 12 year old sister\n>cummed in my pants <|endoftext|> |
>\"Drake?\n>\"What?\"\n>\"Where is the body of Christ?\n<|endoftext|> |
>find Belle Delphine irl\n>she likes me and we go to my place\n>we start fucking >holy shit lost my virginity to Belle\n>dad comes into my room >wake up <|endoftext|> |
>be me >been working at bbq joint for 3 years>boss is like a dad but cooler, we drink/smoke>song from his favorite >answer instantly with correct answer \"aaayyyyyee thats my boy\">mfw it feels good to have someone proud of me<|endoftext|> |
>is fat/looks fat >doesn't lift >only eats fish and berries . >still faster and stronger<|endoftext|> |
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>18m\n>have gf for first time\n>epic.png\n>be yesterday\n>think it's weird how she keeps resting her leg on my member>tell her yeah girls like to feel it rise>wif.jpeg\n>thatsgayasfyuck.gif\n>realize that she's more comfortable with the existance of my dick than I am<|endoftext|> |
>applies reverse logic >realises women will never settle for him<|endoftext|> |
>On an airplane to Asia >Sitting in my seat when I see this 400 pound sack of shit trying to sit between two Japanese cuties>Squeezes into his seat and immediately asks for a soda\n>That plane hasn't even took off yet, you fat cunt >With morbid curiosity I watch him intently, as he eats numerous meals, double snacks, three mini cartons of>Disgust, unending >Watch as he gets up to try and fit in the airplane toilet\n>Fits, barely >Comes back to the disgust of the Japanese girls and the stewardess>Is a smelly, disgusting pain in the ass the entire trip >By this point this fucking faggots existence is pissing me off>Can't stand it anymore, so when the plane lands I catch that fucker in the bathroom in Asia>Look him dead in the eyes and tell him how fucking much I hate him and how he needs to change his ways>I punch him, hoping to drive the point home >The mirror spiderwebs, and I cut my hand <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >17 fem >Try to get abotion >Start to hear whispers in my ear\n>Look behind me aos JP >Needle goes into my throat and I>Wake up >Im tied to a chair >Look around >See Ben Shapiro >Pulls bat out >Hits me so hard I cant move >Takes the baby out, no painkiller\n>Says \"Libtard, I will raise this baby\"\n>Bleed and die in the middle of nowhere\n>All I see is ben sapiro chant a magic spell, and the baby grows into a clone of Ben Shapiro>I die a few minutes later\n<|endoftext|> |
>be 16 at new high school\n>months pass, still no fiends >people ignore me, bully me >decide to host movie night to make friends >people show up but don't like the movie >they tease me next day in school >no options left but to try another movie night >20 people show up just to make fun of me >put on my favorite Jim Carrey movie >they actually like it >next day in school people start defending me >\"hey dontt pick on anon, he's pretty cool\u201d >have a bunch of fiends now >mfw no one cared who I was until I put on \u201cThe Mask\u201d <|endoftext|> |
>open server browser\n>hop around playing whatever map and gamemode you want eG I >settle in with a community>have fun gimmick rounds with each other\n>certain players start to distinguish themselves as the best of their role>the sight of these titans is enough to demoralize the other team>can spend hours every day playing with the same pool of players>it's completely feasible to develop your skills and become one of the best on the server>open matchmaking\n>game decides which players, map, and mode you'll be playing>everybody is streaming or in an external voice chat program>round ends and you'll never see them ever again <|endoftext|> |
>be me >Viet Cong >hear Fortunate Son in distance\n>mfw <|endoftext|> |
>be me > actually have a really good life, get girls, etc> get sad every once in a while > go on 4chan and thank God I'm not like any of you degenerates> thx guys\n<|endoftext|> |
>Be me >Be a useless sack of shit till I'm 18 >Start teaching myself math >For once in my lifetime I have self confidence >Feel like I'm literally unstoppable >Go to a restaurant >As I am paying the tab this genius idea crosses my mind >I write the definite integral of a polynomial as the tip >My logic at the time was that only someone who is good in math should deserve the tip>I smugly smile to the waitress expecting her to be confused or to >Instead she whips out her phone, types wolframalpha (I presume) and finds the solution in less than 20 seconds>Turns out that my mental estimate of 16$ was wrong and the tip actually amounts to about 300$ >Too ashamed to protest\n<|endoftext|> |
>went to store 1 hour before closing>gather my shit and head to the >cashier solid 7/10 >start casual conversation about assholes who come in 5 mintues before closing, and about our>payed and about head out\n>she says \"you know, my shift is almost done\"\n>me \u201calright! have a good weekend, bye!\" <|endoftext|> |
>Call Amazon customer service\n>I'm informed the call center guy is speaking from Egypt>Turns out to be the most professional, most polite call>Thank him a lot >\"Always at your service Sir\"\n>Before leaving I ask him if he's actually Egyptian\n>\"Yes\"\n>congratulate him on his perfect Italian\n>\"Thanks, I invite you to visit Egypt, the country of the the Sphinx and the Pyramids, one of the seven>Haha wow thanks!\n>\"I've worked with Italians before. You can visit my city which is located there near there, you'll love it>Thank him so much, and ask him his name again\n>He knows mine from the screen I felt /international/ love bliss bros. I now have a<|endoftext|> |
>be me > first day as Redditfag > heard they\u2019re all smart > thought that I can learn something new from the comments> 1.4k upvotes >it said \u201cnice\u201d >Idon\u2019tgetit.jpeg >look at the second most upvoted comment\n> it said \u201cnice\u201d >look at the most downvoted comment >it said \u201cnice\u201d >mfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>teacher assigns you a female partner\n>she is visibly upset S>2Q2NKR201N # s>m2ARNnKRANAaI #<|endoftext|> |
>Go out of map bounds\n>High level enemy spawns that kills you almost immediately<|endoftext|> |
>be me <\u00a2 \\ >in bed S >can't sleep so I'm watching porn Y >) >cum>don't know what to do with the cum, the sink is too far away>heard that semen is really good for your skin>just rub it on my face as a joke and go to sleep\n>wake up the next day >mfw all of my pimples are gone <|endoftext|> |
>be me, man >identify as a female because gender is a social construct>jack off >once I'm done, identify as male again >got jerked off by a gril >mfw got a handjob <|endoftext|> |
>wife about to leave for holiday trip to Jamaica>almost finished downloading all my games I'll play when she's>working from home due to the >holiday trip to jamaica hahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH<|endoftext|> |
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"I'm here, where you at ni a?\" >\"I've been waiting here you b ch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call himafa ot\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >xboxfag >more of a casual gamer, just play every now and then>pretty good tho >enjoy my time, distracts me from >enter xxx_pu55ys1ayer_xxx >fucking chad >always joins my games without me inviting him\n>fucks up whatever I'm doing >makes fun of me >knows I'm a virgin >lol just get laid anon >fucking chad >one day I'm playing cod just doing my thing\n>he joins >\"lol 1v1 me bro\u201d >fucking fine >epicgamertime.jpg >I rain hell upon him with the force of a thousand virgins>he doesn't get a single kill >feelsgood.gif >he's fucking pissed >\"FuCkinG AiMbOt\" >starts cursing at me >makes fun of me >says I'll never get laid >oh that's it >the camel's back has shattered >plan devised >tell him I'm going to fuck his mom >\"...dude what?\" >I leave the game and start planning >I use my epic gamer skills to find out where this faggot lives>I show up to his house while he's at school\n>knock on the door >his mom answers the door with open arms\n>sweet lady, almost makes me feel bad for what I'm about to do>almost >we go into her living room and make conversation>laughing at all my jokes >I go in for the kiss >she hesitates at first but I'm persistent\n>manonamission >she gives in to my charm and kisses back\n>getting steamy >I penetrate her as soon as I hear the front door open>\"mom I'm home!\" >he walks in just to see me balls feel in the woman who spawned him>look of absolute horror and disgust on his face\n>he runs out of the house >mom's crying >I leave, my work done >mfw my brother finally stopped joining my games<|endoftext|> |
>Race: human, white\n>Sex: male\n>Class: knight with a longsword<|endoftext|> |
>2 years of progress undone in 2 weeks thats life<|endoftext|> |
>had sex with my bf last night\n>sort of >he's very against \"sluts\" >thinks women should be virgins bla bla>so whatever i lied >anyway he was the worst lay i ever had in my life>dick was small yes but i've had small guys who made up for it in other ways>he fucked me for about 20 minutes >on and off because he didn't have stamina and needed to rest a bunch>it became clear he wasn't going to come from intercourse>told him to just jerk off >so he grabs his cock ridiculously tight like he was trying to strangle it>shouts \"mommy\" as he comes >mfw <|endoftext|> |
>Be me q >Security guard at airport I >Fml every day same shit>Consider suicide at least twice a shift>She's walking a bit funny Suspicion.zip>Run metal detector on her while trying to cop a cheeky feel>Oh shit detector went off\n>Oh shit she looks nervous best investigate>Oh shit oh shit oh shit\n>mfw I just busted an international diamond smuggler<|endoftext|> |
>be brain >chilling in some dude's head >he fell asleep wait check this out\n>AYO WE'RE FALLING BRO\n>jumpscare.exe >Imao go back to sleep dumbass\n<|endoftext|> |
> Be playing Adventurers league a few years ago > had a cool DM who was very tolerant with our shit\n> we had a kid around the age of 11 in our group who was constantly sick> kid had some sort of disability which left him wheelchair bound and constantly in and out of> kid enjoyed playing D&D with us but it was usually difficult when he needed to go to the Hospital> our DM realized that it would be difficult to schedule arround this> our DM also knew how much this kid loved D&D. > so the DM decided to do something for the kid > the day before one of our sessions, the DM visited the kid at the hospital> the DM then gave the kid a gift > it was a laptop with a webcam that the DM bought for him> he told the kid that if he couldn't attend a session due to him being hospitalized, the kid could Skype us> the kid never missed a single session after that. <|endoftext|> |
>finish cigarette\n>drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|> |
>moaned while the nice haircut lady washed my hair<|endoftext|> |
>Was going to kill myself today\n>Parents get me this cake for my birthday\n>Going to kill myself tomorrow\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me saturday morning\n>carefully walking to bedroom with a cup full of coffee>realize fuck it, I can just yeet this cup, future me will have to clean it up>yeet said cup, coffee everywhere on carpet and bed>jerk off while laughing at cuck future me\n>mfw I'm future me <|endoftext|> |
>me, 4 years ago >24 >disgustingly obese piece of garbage >best friend fit as hell >tells me i should lose weight, never pushing it on me too much tho>keep telling him i could, if i wanted to, but i don't care>yeah... sure... >one day he signs me up for gym membership and offers to pay for it>\"I just want a gym buddy, bruh. you don't have to do much, if you don't want to.\">okaythen.jpg >friend gets into car accident 2 days later >dies. >motherfucking dies. <|endoftext|> |
>be me >sophomore in highschool >1999 >picked on EVERY. FUCKING. DAY\n>always \u201chaha you're a faggot anon\u201d \u201cfuck anon he\u2019s weird\u201d \u201cget>then one day something happened >something magical >suddenly I\u2019m not so weird >suddenly people say \u201chey anon how you doing today?\u201d \u201cHey anon there's a party at chads house>mfw columbine improved my highschool life 500% because these normies thought I was gonna<|endoftext|> |
>Taliban is now running around with M4s decked in western-style operator gear,<|endoftext|> |
>go walking to a new gym by my house everyday>its raining . >cute /fit/ receptionist asks>\"y-yeah s-s-sure\" >don't even have a car >oh god what do i do what do i do\n>in the parking lot keep getting deeper and deeper into the lie>stand in the parking lot for a few seconds\n>\"are you okay?\" she asks\n>start sprinting away from her\n>sprint all the way to my house\n>never been to that gym again <|endoftext|> |
>be me 5'10 >at party chatting to 3 qts and a 61 lanklet>qts ask lanklet how tall he is\n>\"I'm 5'11\" bastard gives me the biggest shit eating grin>qts turn to me >jump in before they can ask me >\"that's not possible i'm 5'6 so you gotta be 5'9 at at most\">qts burst out laughing, lanklet starts spurting that he's actually 6'1>\"no way why would anon lie about being 5'6\" Dont fuck with me lanklets i can bring you down to<|endoftext|> |
>Be me black\n>Be Lightskin\n>See dumb post on twitter saying cops e shouldn't stop black fights>Respond saying thats dumb\n>Respond saying i\u2019m black myself\n>She asks for a pic of my arm with a piece of paper with my twitter name>Send her said picture\n>Get told that I don\u2019t look black\n>Respond saying i\u2019m lightskin\n>She legit says \u201cThen your not actually black, You have more white genes>Tell her both of my parents are African American\n>She says they aren't black either\n>She blocks me after. <|endoftext|> |
>pretend I'm Geralt >start mixing my protein shakes with strong alcohol like they're witcher potions>meditate in between sets >take notes of various creatures around the gym (roiders, hambeasts, lanklets, etc...) and their>try to haggle with the qt cashier for lower gym membership>loudly say \"damn you're ugly\" before lifts >lifts skyrocket >gains skyrocket <|endoftext|> |
>turn 23 next week\n>graduated college pre corona\n>got big plans for a career, send out applications to the top spots>family and friends wish me luck everyone is rooting for me>my 8th month living at home\n>3 rejected applications\n>unemployment pay runs out soon\n>going to have to put real career on hold and pick up some other job<|endoftext|> |
>be me >get banned from 4chan for 3 months\n>wack.jpg >unironically got a job >making some decent money and can pay for my own vidya ENS >actually met a girl and eventually we get>life is actually going pretty well >be 3 months later at work >realize that i've became a normie >decides to visit 4chan for old time sake >boss saw me scroll through some nsfw shit >gets fired >no more money >relationship in shambles cuz no money >at least i can post on 4chan again <|endoftext|> |
>sleep for 12+ hours >wake up at noon >refresh the same few websites over >do absolutely fucking nothing >quit after a few minutes because i >continue refreshing 4chan and youtube for hours >go to sleep feeling like a tired corpse even though i <|endoftext|> |
>be me il\n>cub scouts camping trip oe >its getting dark>scout master tells us to get woodn I > shit for a bonfire 131kBJp _ >gO about 20 feet away from camp>see the perfect stick >grab it\n>its a rattlesnake tail\n>too retarded to run away\n>bring it over my head and swing it in circles\n>the snake can't come back and bite me\n>shout for help\n>everyone comes\n>sees me using a snake like a lasso\n>kids laughing, adults shitting pants\n>tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck -\n>whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes\n>adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish (~~ >other kids think I'm hardcore\n>mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds. >my life consists of Sp 0 cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|> |
> be me in high school\n>pretty good looking, but socially awkward, so no bitches>one day chatting with some asian girls>somehow the topic of chopsticks >want to make a joke about being too >Say something like, \"Nah, I can't use those, see how white I am?\">arms are actually pretty tan, so i pull my shirt up, because my chest is more pale>they all immediately stop laughing and stare at my chest>I realize they're starting at my abs\n>pull my shirt down\n>\"A-anon, show us how white you are again.\"\n>Suddenly have bitches <|endoftext|> |
>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian <|endoftext|> |
>go to Christmas dinner\n>family tries to set me up with somebody>family dinner Alabama I presume<|endoftext|> |
>Be accepted at Uni\n>File form for student residency\n>See \"for the purpose of placing you, please check your gender:\">Male\n>Female\n>Non-binary SASSI >Check female, even tho that's not>Apply for the female dorm\n>Get accepted\n>Be the only guy in the women's dorm\n>basically got my own personal harem\n>it's that simple\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me 1 >smoke a joint with an old friend i hadnt>after we finish he eats a roach >he explains to me that it gets you 10x higher>mfw when i remember that 12 years ago itold him that fact as a joke>mfw he's been eating roaches for 12 years<|endoftext|> |
>be me, 5 >in bed with my dad cause renovating\n>ask dad what he dreams about\n>\"hot girls, anon\" >suddenly get erection for some reason\n>dont know what an erection is >go to bathroom to pee >rub my dick by accident >feelsgoodman.jpg >fast forward 2 days >watching fashiontv for some reason >get erect >everyone around me >pulls out dick and start rubbing it >orgasm >no cum cause 5 >mom notices and screams \"ANON WHAT ARE YOU DOING\">gets beaten >fast forward a few years >discovers what masturbation and erection are\n>mfw i remember jerking off in front of parents <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>amateur MMA fighter\n>mostly just a hobby, do it to stay in shape etc. ' >also help train kids at the gym I>teaching 12-13 year old kid how to stand and hit pads, simple shit>kid has high-functioning autism\n>out of nowhere he looks at me and says \u201cHow high does the grass grow in Germany\u201d>Think it's just a weird autist question\n>\"I don\u2019t know, probably the same as here\u201d\n>About this high\u201d he then proceeds to give a full Nazi salute for 10 seconds>fuckingwotm8 I know you're on this website you little incel, I got<|endoftext|> |
>start a restaurant in the US\n>adapt the european system where the tips are already>profit <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >19 yo, 6/10 >Go out for Valentines Day with bestie of 3 years\n>9/10 >It's technically a date >Dinner and 50 Shades of Shit >Get ice cream afterwards >Give her a glass flower I bought earlier in the month\n>She loves it and we go for a walk >PULL OUT 5GUM: TRUTH OR DARE, pack >Her wrapper says to take a selfie with eyes closed >She does >I read mine >We laugh it off but I remember the glass flower base has a mirror on the bottom side Where's the most beautiful girl at tho?>Look at the mirrored base >Show her the mirrored base of the flower >We smile and kiss for the first time ever >She reads her the other part of her wrapper >\"What's the most romantic moment you've shared with the person next you?\"\n>\"This one right now\" >mfw how it feels to chew 5gum <|endoftext|> |
> be middle school loner with no friends> close to summer holidays\n> all students were told to read the book> because school is inviting the obscure author of the book> he was the guest speaker during assembly\n> principal asks the school about what we thought of his book and questions about it> quiet, awkward silence\n> people were muttering nobody read it\n> felt bad for the author\n> told the author I enjoyed it and answered the questions> one question after another, only I answered\n> author was happy that I knew about the details\n> school staff felt less embarassed\n> after assembly classmates started to make fun of me> called kiss ass and book worm etc.\n> got the nickname ass-worm for the rest of the middle school<|endoftext|> |
>Wake up looking at ceiling\n>Can't move in>Starts dancing on my chest\n>Utters these exact words \"I MAY BE DEAD, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE>Start laughing\n>He laughs with me\n>Kisses me on my nose \"See ya again, buttercup!!>Wake up with mv pants covered with semen <|endoftext|> |
>crashing on couch at friends house>trying to sleep\n>hear him talking on phone in other room>he farts loudly >'did you hear that baby?\" >'you like it when daddy shits himself?\u2019 >'no im naked so it went ALL over the chair\u2019 >'not the same one from fajita night last week. My >quickly get up and leave >go home and take 20 boiling showers >still haven't replied to any of his texts or calls\n<|endoftext|> |
>female coworker makes a joke at my expense about something I can't control (being bald)>I make a joke back about something she can control (being fat)>she goes home early and everybody is mad at me>broke up with gf a few weeks ago (I ended it)\n>coworkers were talking about their exes (working with women is Hell)>Ha ha, good one. Didn't you have a miscarriage because you're so fat?<|endoftext|> |
>walking home from a party late one evening\n>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I'm drunk as shit>eatch me in some random student neighbourhood>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten >still in talking phase >leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent>\"What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten>\"Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!\u201d>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts\n>guys run >'I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale,>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it>stagger home completely drunk with a hat <|endoftext|> |
>college student\n>Comes home for summer 6~I >Cleans old high school room so it>finds old flash drive from when I was in middle school>Plugs it in\n>Finds shit ton of pictures of a little boy naked and posing>Wtf\n>Realizes the kid in pictures are younger me\n>Finds word document\n>\u201cHello anon, glad to see you again. Take these pictures and sell them online to make bank. It's not>Destroy flash drive >Crinae so fucking hard\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|> |
>be me >Tuesday at school >it\u2019s 5th period and I\u2019m bored as >turn to my friend and say \u201cdon't >next day I get called into the >start talking about how they think I\u2019m dangerous >mfw May 2nd is a fucking sunday <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>recently moved because of job opportunity, no gf, no friends in>every friday, order a pizza from local pizzahut>give delivery guy a different \u201cchallenge\u201d every time they bring a pizza, with a>always make them america-related\n>start easy. draw an american flag for 5$\n>slowly make them more and more challenging, increasing reward as time goes on>\"recite the preamble for 20$\"\n>\"tell me your personal opinion on the 2nd amendment for 10$\">etc etc\n>this goes on for a few months until pretty much every employee in the resturaunt that has done a>yesterday, get in pretty bad car accident\n>wake up in hospital today. told by nurse that a few people came by to visit, mainly coworkers>some of them left a pizza\n>mfw there's a pizza on a table in the room of the same type that i always get>mfw it's got an american flag on it and a \u201cget well soon\" card with signatures from the entire<|endoftext|> |
>Go to the doctor for physical\n>Have to see female nurse practitioner, because regular doctor>Are you sexually active Anon? >Smiles I didn't just mean recently >Give her blank stare\n>She immediately transitions to somberly questioning me on my mental health<|endoftext|> |
> be me; white kid\n> live in stralya; status quo \" > make sure ground-harness is strapped D > go for walk> niceweather.png\n> walking down this narrow path\n> black guy was jogging behind me, so i move to the side to let him pass> without even slowing down or looking at me, he goes, \"much obliged my nigga\" and keeps jogging> mfw a black guy called me their nigga <|endoftext|> |
>be me > horny 14 year old > playing Smash Melee with gf\n> jokingly say \u201cif I win you're giving me a handjob\u201d> beat her because girls can\u2019t game for shit > celebrating.ogg > \u201canon do you still want that handjob?\u201d > holup.mov > I didn\u2019t think she would take it seriously but fuck yeah> whip out my dick > she jacks me off for a while > feelsprettygoodman > she suggests a blowjob > fuck yes > stop her before I\u2019m about to bust > ask if she wants to fuck > she does > pull out the condoms because I was a responsible retard back then> we start fucking (both being virgins) > once I finish we go back to playing melee <|endoftext|> |
>tell her I'm a virgin\n>not actually a virgin, have had plenty of sex>but when she thinks it's my first time, she's very gentle and>when I act all amazed when I touch boobs \"for the first time\u2019, it actually feels more special to me>I love how caring she is and how she takes the lead if she thinks she's deflowering me>when I finish, she cuddles with me and calls mea good boy<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>gay retarded 4 yr old still not potty trained>fucking obsessed with trains\n>grandmagetsidea.jpg >holyactualfuck.gif\n>potty trains in less than a week\n>gets to go on train\n>loudly asks grandma if everyone else on the train pooped too<|endoftext|> |
>be me >22 yo >overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control>get new clothes >go to the gym >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other\n>\"What a fat loser\" >He's technically right >I am losing a lot of fat <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >teach grandma what cringe means\n>fast forward months later >I show her the meme I made\n>She calls it cringe <|endoftext|> |
>start youtube channel >your very first video is going to be you sitting in front of a high quality camera looking presentable>half the screen is going to show a videogame\n>title of the youtube video: \"REAL Bank Robber Critiques GTAS Bank Heist Mission\">you're gonna commentate over the gta5 intro and say shit like \"yeah thats pretty realistic they'd have>pause the cutscene every now and then and say some shit like \"back when i hit the bank, the cops>your next videos are going to be you critiquing similar scenes from other games or movies>then your videos are going to be QandA about prison life>before you know it you're at 350k subs and growing and all you do is talk into a camera about prison>enjoy making more money than all of us <|endoftext|> |
>working at McDonald's >*autistic kid appears* >screams all the time : CHICKEN MCNUGGETS>wants a happy meal with nuggets\n>gave him 5 instead of 4 cuz of my kindness>he noticed >*autistic screeching* >wanted a new one with only 4 nuggets <|endoftext|> |
>go to buy some weed\n>dealer invites me up for dabs\n>tells me \u201cjust a heads up I have a gun out\u201d>walk up to his apartment\n>don\u2019t know what to talk about, ask him what type of guns he has>\"uhh I have a 9mm pistol I don\u2019t know the brand\n>take a dab and buy my weed I\u2019m just now realizing that it was a threat, not a<|endoftext|> |
>walking with my boyfriend >we walk past these sorority looking Kardashian clone looking>I ask my boyfriend if he finds girls like that attractive>His fucking response: \"if I could attract girls like that I wouldn't be with you\">He refuses to apologize >I tell him if he doesn't take that back he's not getting sex>He just shrugs and says \"ok\" >Still isn't saying sorry <|endoftext|> |
>My sister laughed at me saying that i have an ass like the>A girl once pinched my ass while >On highschool excursion i had to find whores prostitutes in the middle of Athens>Bro, dont take this the wrong way, but you have a nice ass>A hot girl i was flirting with once said that i have a better ass than her, and then grabbed it with both>A drug detective said that i should never EVER go to jail, even the guards will want a piece of my ass<|endoftext|> |
>have somewhat stable social circle in uni>get along with this one grill\n>she gives me a book for >for some reason never open it >weeks go by, she keeps asking about the book\n>quickly look up plot summary on wiki so that I can pretend I'm reading it>she's visibly annoyed and angry, says \"you probably never even opened it\">insist that I read it, our relationship slowly deteriorates>we get our degrees and don't stay in touch >fast forward six years >find book while cleaning my apartment >decide to read it >find a little romantic note inside about how much I mean to her etc>mfw book is pretty boring\n<|endoftext|> |
>Be me, be 27 years old >Girl from my college wants to try mutual masturbation together>I'm totally caught off guard, I haven't jacked off in about a week>I decide to jack off before I go meet her, so that I don't ruin what might be my only sexual>Zoom ahead a few hours >She jacks me off, it is primo shit, absolutely rad\n>I cum a HUGE PILE OF JIZZ >I say \"Shit, sorry, that's way more than I expected\u201d\n>she responds \"I was expecting a lot more\" >I look at her and say \"You watch too much hentai, dude.\"<|endoftext|> |
>Someone asks to see the book I'm>I hand it too them and ask them to be>\"HUH?\" they dumbly reply as they open the book as wide as they can, cracking<|endoftext|> |
>Be you\n>Reddit Fag\n>Looking for some juicy morsels for r/greentext to raise your karma by 10 like>Post this one faggot. I'll be watching. <|endoftext|> |
>Be me, selling coffee at a stand in the hospital>suddenly he starts talking hebrew (it's isreal here im a kikeanon)>tells me about how he and a bunch of other guys in some soviet union won 20 agaisnt 100, how he>amm ok here's your coffe\n>asks me to punch his belly, i heistently do so\n>it's hard as steel, dude atlest 60\n>he reachs for a handshake\n>grabs my thunb between two of his fingers\n>grip is fucking STEEL, he says \"see? Broken\" and laughs>he walksaway <|endoftext|> |
>be me >homeless >produce house music Feels Goodman.jpg<|endoftext|> |
>trump gets impeached >trump resigns >pence becomes president >pence pardons trump >pence appoints new vice-president, donald trump>pence resigns >trump becomes president >trump appoints new vice-president, mike pence<|endoftext|> |
>be 17 >be chatting in group chat with friends>be sending some memes\n>accidently send a meme to mom\n>shieeet.jpeg >explain to mom >mom sends a rare pepe >allmywut.jpeg >turns out mom knows alot about good memes\n>now we send memes to eachother almost daily\n>never been happier all my life >pic related <|endoftext|> |
>be dad >Have gay son >Ok still love him it's 2022\n>Meet his BF from >Just know\n>Fuck wife >Break down crying midsex <|endoftext|> |
>have cat >cat wanna be pet\n>petting makes cat happy\n>i'm happy <|endoftext|> |
>really hot girl in class\n>decide to work up the courage to speak to her>\"H-hey.. c-can I borrow your pen for a second?\">realize I dont even have >shes staring at me >My mind is racing what to do >Draw a penis on my hand >give her back her pen and walk away\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me > You are now me\n> Have fun with you terrible life <|endoftext|> |
>friend sends me ig test >okay ill do it > finish test and get 75 iq >i cant show this to my friend >i do the test again knowing answers\n>get 73 >mfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>visit france\n>they use \"le\" unironically <|endoftext|> |
>have pain in heart \u201c1 >feels like bad back ache>take blood pressure 190/120\n>go to hospital\n>\"you had a heart attack, anon\" intake of Krispy Kreme's by 50%?? y\u00bb >beme<|endoftext|> |
>be me, 19\n>gets called cute, funny, smart\n>both my roommates are women\n>they wonder why I never had a gf * >never felt ready<|endoftext|> |
>have office job\n>boss tells me about new employee>meet her >she asks my name i ask her >her name is \"candice\"\n>think if gonna get pranked\n>say \"yeah haha candice dick fit in yo mouth\"\n>she looks disgusted\n>says \"ugh\" and walks to boss' office\n>writing this at my desk, am i fucked? <|endoftext|> |