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>be me\n>was actually going to an hero>decide to jump off bridge nearby my hometown>i turn around and see a pizza guy walking toward me telling me not to do it>yeahwhateverhearditabilliontimes.mp3\n>see he has tears in his eyes\n>tells me that he lost his brother to suicide years ago and hes always felt like he>actually pretty moved by his story, i have a little bro>invites me into his car and offers me the pizza he has>drives me back to his home after calling his boss and telling him about the>all the while he's shooting the shit and cracking me up, really chill guy>we get to an apartment downtown and he offers me to stay the night>open the door to his roommates drinking beer and playing mario kart>laugh and game with them\n>next morning we part ways and he gives me his phone number and tells me i can>bus home, tell mom and dad i was out with friends<|endoftext|> |
>be me , >sad and depressed>mom comes over\n>she makes pancakes >be me >loser working dead end job barely enough to pay rent>no friends, dont talk to co workers >depressed >mom comes over every week to cook several days worth of food and restock groceries>cleans my place >never asks for anything <|endoftext|> |
>first day of class\n>get to class early so im one of the first people to sit down>sit towards the back\n>four stacys walk in a few minutes\n>in the sea of empty seats they choose 4 seats all situated near me>all of them introduce themselves to me <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he\u2019s in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|> |
>Talking to 2 girls at the same time on tinder>Similar attractiveness\n>Girl one: how come you've asked me my phone so early? You're>Aren't you bored of using this app? I thought you'd ask me for my number but you don't seem>on tinder\n<|endoftext|> |
>Liberals have stupid ideas >Not making the McRib a full time menu item is a stupid idea<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he's in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|> |
>\"sure, mom >*quits ranke <|endoftext|> |
>See's my sister getting ready >\"going out?\" >\"Yeah, the Bae is coming to get me\" (she fucking used Bae.)>\"Oh i'd love to meet him, have him come in!\"\n>sister brings bf in our house >my dad pretended he was in the bathroom.\n>he was in fact, slipping into something more comfortable>he walks out with my mom's bathrobe (giant fluffy white collar, about 3 feet to short for>his speedo on. The speedo he never wore because it was way to tight, yet he saved it,>walks out >\"OH YOU MUST BE JUSTIN\" >reaches out for a handshake >kid grabs his hand >dad yanks him over and bear hugs him\n>\"Ohhbh your hair smells nice, what is that? Olley?\">kid is horrified >\"uhhhh...no...uhhh...c-can we go babe? we might be late\u201d>they leave >my dad just looks over and says \"Do you think that was legal? My balls are hanging<|endoftext|> |
>implying white people never had their own N word<|endoftext|> |
>Fat with skinny legs is not a good look. It's usually an early sign of liver failure>It's usually an early sign of liver failure I've literally never seen anyone refer to someone<|endoftext|> |
>Little sister is a loli >(pictured) >She enters your bedroom one night\n>\"Oh Brother, I wish to bear your children!\"<|endoftext|> |
>another dream about being a rockstar beloved by billions>another dream about being an iron-fisted dictator reshaping society to my ideals>another nightmare where that fucking hellish monster is chasing me while I have to collect the>carl from jimmy neutron is there for some reason\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>post on 4chan /b/ everyday\n>end up on youtube and see pewdiepie video titled>watch video of pewdiepie\n>realize all his 9 year viewers probably decided to come on 4chan>mfw all they saw was porn <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >playing video games on Sunday >comfy as hell >very invested in game >\"Oh shit, I stayed up all night playing video >panicking as I think about another exhausting day >look out window >turns out that it's just the mushroom cloud from a >crisisaverted.exe <|endoftext|> |
>be me, 19 >amateur MMA fighter witha >I'm very athletic and I'ma >be 5'6 >every girl i know is taller than me >no one likes short guys <|endoftext|> |
>don't live with mum >she sent presents to me >filmed myself opening them to send to her to make it like iam there>accidentally sent a dick masturbation video in with the present videos<|endoftext|> |
>birthday is on new year >family forgot >friends forgot >sad >nintendo emails me happy birthday>feel better and play some smash bros<|endoftext|> |
> be in middle school English period> was told to write a word starting with the letter \"g\" and many> my turn\n>mind started to race as I feel judgmental stares\n> wrote \"Gobbledygook\"\n> classmates laughed\n> teacher said, \"Don't make up words, anon\"\n> everyone mocked my vocabulary for the rest of the day> went home and found dictionary\n> next day showed it to the teacher that it exists\n> rather than explaining it to the class, teacher replied, \"Stop being a sore loser.\">mfw <|endoftext|> |
>finish cigarette >drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>28, live with wife\n>wake up in the morning to the smell of bacon and eggs>walk downstairs to greet my wife\n>she smiles at me\n>happiness\n>go over to medicine cabinet\n>hear my beautiful wife humming in the background>take my meds\n>2mg risperdal\n>turn to wife\n>she's gone\n>start cooking bacon and eggs\n<|endoftext|> |
>Girl looks at me >The image of me is now pulsing through her neurons>Technically am inside her\n>Later virgins\n<|endoftext|> |
>like dungeons and dragons, other 4 >try to join gaming groups>some of the boys always fall in love with me>I must claim her pussy for my own!!!\n>it ruins the group even when I do nothing via simping and infighting>other guys actually blame you for this somehow <|endoftext|> |
>really fucking love eating my girl out>love hearing the sounds she makes - >one time realise she makes a>the sounds she makes vary in pitch, I can make her make specific noises at will>try to play the Darth Vader theme on her\n>almost got it >she snaps out of euphoria the second she figures out what I'm trying to do>mood killed instantly >she doesn't trust me down there again >tfw I'm not allowed to eat pussy anymore <|endoftext|> |
>be me at 15\n>share pc with family\n>dad screams at me\n>beats me up because I \u201cinstalled a virus on the pc\u201d>look at pc >it's the windows 10 update\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >am 17 >am pretty stupid and broke so decide to sell fake>kids actually believe it's weed and buy some>mfw they fake being high and then come back to buy more>one day called up to principals office\n>there\u2019s a cop in there >they ask to search my bag >mfw all they find is oregano >mfw I say I\u2019m making pasta after school and my friend gave me some oregano he>mfw they can\u2019t do anything so they send me back to class<|endoftext|> |
>be me >lonely >have cat >find out cats like back scratches\n>give cat back scratches >cat loves it >cat now follows me around and I give the good scratch>I love cat >cat loves me >I feel loved >not lonely >yes\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >have memory loss >get a gf >everything is good >get drafted for the military >my girl is waiting for me >serve my time >over my time in the service I forgot I had a gf\n>go on living life as normal >grow my hair out and a beard >decide to visit my hometown >go to the local pub >meet a really nice bartender girl >she starts telling me how her husband is in the military\n>tells me she's lonely >icanfixthat.jpeg >we head to her place >fuck like rabbits >finish up and pass out >next morning she's making breakfast\n>as I'm laying in bed I notice a picture\n>it's her and her husband >examine it closely >it's me without my beard and long hair\n>everything suddenly comes back to me\n>I just fucked my own wife >I just cucked myself >forget about it two weeks later <|endoftext|> |
>sit down to watch my boyfriend play\n>he's a healer <|endoftext|> |
>Senior year\n>Perfect plan\n>Me and my friend\n>We start fighting in the men showers>Kick, punch and push >Burst inside\n>Keep fighting pretending we didn't even realize>Naked girls come rushing and grab us to stop<|endoftext|> |
>be a student >your retard roommate bakes a cake >\"hey anon, want to try a slice of cheesecake I made?\u201d -3\n>accept the social opportunity for eating cheesecake >2 hours later >phone notification go brr >'Lena added a new cost for you: 1.74\u20ac cheesecake\u201d\n<|endoftext|> |
>be aussie\n>buy boomerang for home defense>needs more danger\n>attach knives to it >really big knives >night falls one day\n>someone breaks in\n>hop out of bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>grab kniferang\n>catch the two stealing my giant spider collection>throw boomberang\n>slices off both of their heads\n>wait how am i gonna catch it\n>it's about to hit me\n>my spiders save me by shooting webs at it>spiders take dead bodies for sustenance\n>go back to bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>realize now the spiders have the kniferange>no one should have that power\n>not even me\n>burn down house\n>nothing remains but warped metal <|endoftext|> |
>have 6/10 bf\n>he's really nice and thougftful so it's solid 7/10>sex.exe regularly\n>sometime he wants me to put this on,\n>don't think much about it, maybe just what he likes>until one day he murmured \"Rose\" while sleeping after SeX.exe>wtf is he cheating me?\n>ask him directly who is Rose? he admits it's a 2D character I wear her costume all the time<|endoftext|> |
>be me GS >highschool junior>5\u20198\u201d 200Ibs small muscles aw >decide to get fit>better diet >get pneumonia the day after\n>push through\n>lose 2lbs in first week\n>motivated\n>celebrate with a cheat day and a trip to the movies>gain 3lbs from snacks and popcorn\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>Claims Snow White is offensive\n>Refuses to elaborate >Puts seven of his fellow dwarf L actors out of the job<|endoftext|> |
>go on akinator >say yes when asked if your character is a porn-star>answer in accordance to what you want your porn-star to look like>profit\n<|endoftext|> |
>got my brother's spare key because we live a walking distance>we buy the same kind of bread because that's the same one we>he's a man of schedule, goes >always hated how irregular my habits are >decide to be a shithead for no reason >get a bag of bread on the same day he's gone shopping>toast the entire thing and put it back in the bag\n>wait until it's time for brother's walk >take my bag of toast and sneak in with my keys\n>know where he keeps his bread, switch the bag of bread with the bag of toast>toast two slices of bread to make the whole house smell like toast>escape once they're done\n>make sure I left no mark in the house, touch >make it to home, start gaming\n>25 minutes later I get a text <|endoftext|> |
>be me >post true greentext about jacking off into my sisters panties>gets on reddit >sister is redditfag >fake laugh and spaghetti all over >make up excuse about violent diarrhea before leaving>return all stolen panties >mfw this makes it on reddit too <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >Live in China >Have a birthday cake addiction\n>Go to store every week to buy cake>Cashiers start to recognise me\n>One cashier eventually questions why I keep buying birthday cake>Tell him I have lots of kids and they all have birthdays around the same time>Cashier gives me funny look >Confused.jpg >Mfw the one child policy <|endoftext|> |
>name is Richard\n>dad used to call me \"Dick\" as a kid\n>one Saturday invite friends from elementary school to spend the day at>friends have a good kek at my expense\n>since that day they start calling me Dick too\n>one day at school best friend accidentally calls me \"Cock\">friends jokingly refer to me as Cock since that day\n>other classmates pick up on this and start calling me Cock too>figured this was just an elementary school thing\n>it wasn't\n>for the entirety of my middle/highschool years, I am known only as \"Cock\" to most of my classmates>attended a highschool reunion just before the coof\n>turns out some of my old classmates didn't even know what my actual name was>they still refer to me as Cock to this day This is my name now, I guess<|endoftext|> |
>foreign guy at work walks up to me and points at my arms and says \"tattoo?\">I say \"what?\" >\"tattoo? >\"uh, no, I don't have any.\" >'very nice. very good. me neither\"\n>walks away\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me, playing WoW >play on asian servers because NA >2 Chinese players bully me >type \"June 4th 1989, Tian an Men >Both disconnect\n>mfw I just sent two inncoent children to a Chinese Labor Camp and got their whole family executed<|endoftext|> |
>be american >get fat, get shot, become poor because surgery is>get beheaded by isis >be asian\n>suicide because of stress and no gf >be african\n>be african >be australian\n>get killed by venomous animal and lose war against emu<|endoftext|> |
>be me >Serbian >family is pretty racist >hit it off with a Croat girl and start dating her\n>eventually decide to break it to my dad >He\u2019s sitting down reading and I say there\u2019s something I want to tell him>I explain to him that I\u2019ve met someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with>\u201dYou better not be telling me you're gay anon.\u201d\n>say that I am not gay, and that I\u2019ve been dating a Croat girl for a few months now>he gives me a harsh look, throws his book at me, & starts yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs>mfw I probably should've just told him I was gay\n<|endoftext|> |
>eating popsicle with my friend>it looks phallic\n>we lol a bit\n>lick it seductively while >he is laughing his ass off\n>put it in my mouth and push it as deep as ican>gag and then pull it out\n>i look like one of those hentai girls, spit trailing and everything>he stops laughing and then looks shocked>look down\n>rock hard <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>talented guitarist and pianist / >won numerous talent shows>also a big fan of the youtube channel Vsauce>one day get into an accident >I have to type with my nose\n>can no longer play instruments\n>my life passions are gone\n>feeling really depressed\n>see a new Vsauce video in my subscriptions box\n>\"Is Anything Real?\" uploaded June 3rd 2013\n>so excited to watch a new Vsauce video\n>video starts\n>\"Hey, Vsauce! Michael here! Where are your fingers?\">immediately start crying <|endoftext|> |
>be me, 19\n>in college\n>arrive at college before class started, needed to shit before first class>get to the bathroom and open the door\n>profis in there shitting, door wide open\n>stare at each other for a few secs\n>he holds his hand out to close the door\n>i shake his hand <|endoftext|> |
>try to get a Chad haircut\n>comes out looking like pic related <|endoftext|> |
>be me >8 y/o >on bus home >really damn hungry m >see much older kid (15) behind>hunger.mpg is using too much >\"hey, can I please have a small bite?\" >he turns to face me >doesnt utter a word, just smiles and hands me the whole hotdog>i grab it and sit back in my seat >happiest little fuck in the bus >22 now and I still regret not thanking that blessed soul<|endoftext|> |
>Be me\n>born around 2lbs\n>survive that\n>pull out my oxygen tube and turn purple>almost spawn killed myself\n>gets autism instead <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>born virgin It was rigged from the start<|endoftext|> |
>married five years\n>four years ago we bought a house Py together>wife and I are in our early 30s, neighbor is 26\n>a year later neighbor gets pregnant\n>whoopsie\n>she doesn't want an abortion, says she will keep quiet and raise the child>she has a good job and her family has money so I trust her on this>she has the kid, a boy, kind of looks like me (gee I wonder why)>wife tells me neighbor has a baby\n>wife goes and meets neighbor and baby\n>wife becomes friends with neighbor and spends time with baby>we babysit when neighbor has to work late or spend time with friends>wife starts getting baby envy, wants one of her own now>\"our baby can grow up with Anonette's baby and they can play together!\">two years ago wife gets preggo\n>it's a girl >wife and I spend an increasing amount of time with neighbor lady and my son>wife encourages me to spend time with the boy because \"he needs a father figure\u201d>we babysit for neighbor, she babysits for us\n>neighbor tells me that if wife ever leaves me she will be there for me (still fucking her)<|endoftext|> |
(>) r/greentext<|endoftext|> |
>skinny white guy comes to wendy's >orders a bunch of large chocolate milkshakes and one small white one>he has his head down the whole time he orders\n>stays like this the whole time his order is prepared\n>hand him the shakes >\"have a nice day!\" >y-you too >see him shuffle over to a corner booth >he encircles the vanilla milkshakes with the chocolate ones>takes a picture >couple of minutes later he starts laughing to himself\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>playing vidya\n>press Quick Play\n>wait 8+ minutes to even join a lobby>only one person in lobby other than me>person leaves as soon as I join\n>disconnect from lobby\n>tfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>think about moving arm >just moved matter using nothing but my mind<|endoftext|> |
>Mr. Ford here's your costume\n>FUCK YOUR COSTUME I'M DOING THIS LIKE I AM >boomer takes his son to the anime convention\n<|endoftext|> |
>be 23 >marry hot chick cougar who's husband died>rebound sex was cray >she has daughter my age >my single dad thinks my wife's daughter is a fox>wtfdad.jpg >they date for a few months and get married.>my stepdaughter is now my stepmother\n>my father is my son in law. >wtf.exe >have kid with cougar wife >dad has kid with my stepdaughter >my baby became a brother in law to dad\n>my baby is now my uncle >my dad's kid is my sister and my stepdaughters baby thus my grandchild>my wife is my step-mothers mother who is now a grandma to my new half-sibling>I am married to my grandma >I am my own grandpa.\n<|endoftext|> |
>start talking to girl for first time in years>tell my friend\n>he stalks her or something and gets a job where she works>plays it off as a coincidence >he gets angry at me for still talking to her\n>turns out he thought she'd just as easily go for him because we're both pretty low value men>he starts giving me the whole \"supreme gentleman\" shit and saying girls never want nice guys like him<|endoftext|> |
>Georgia? Thats a state nota country its capital is Atlanta bro>Turkey? Thats a bird not a country its origin is America bro>Hungary? No, I just ate <|endoftext|> |
>Playing Wow >Someone puts up item worth 14k (During Cata) for auto price>Get it >Receive a message from them immediately stating that they'd clearly made a mistake and>Message them if they mail my 100 gold for my trouble because the situation is extremely>100 gold in my mail 10 seconds later, block them\n<|endoftext|> |
>get home and there's gifts on the table >birthday yesterday\n>have to work 12-9pm >be meat clerk and it's a big sale day so it's gonna be busy >mom sys she didnt get anything for birthday because too old for kid stuff like that turning 19>go to work >get yelled at buy customers because new manager didn't order the thing that is on sale\n>be in bad mood until lunch >buy $5 scratcher >win $150.jpg >now in good mood >come back from lunch and co worker bought a tiny cupcake to share from bakery\n>now in better mood >finish cleaning and setting up for tomorrow early so head home >deathgrips shirt and a collecters hp lovecraft book\n>have one of the best birthdays in a long time\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me, 17 >just got license >home alone, want McD's >Drive in my Mom's minivan >4chan has been daily browsing for me at this point>drive through >\"Yeah, uhm, can I get a 10 pc of some chicken tendies?\">whatthefuckdidljustsay.exe has been executed>this motherfucker says \"sure anon\u201d\n>oneofus.jpg >drive to window, embarrassed af\n>guy is 20 something, says \"you seem chill\" and passes me note with his>dm him >now best friends.\n<|endoftext|> |
> It\u2019s finally time > Tie noose around neck > Kick stool > Fuck up and don\u2019t snap neck\n> Painful but I finally go under\n> Wake up > In wooden wagon with some other guys in it> Hands tied > \u201cYou're finally awake <|endoftext|> |
>fixing notebook for a ~70 years old lady>comes, pays, asks about gaming tier GPUs for her desktop>little took back I inquire about the price range and what games,>nope, I play the Assasin >Assassin's creed? >yes, on my grandsons console, I just love Venice>she pauses >and killing people <|endoftext|> |
>dates a girl for 3 months >she's really cool, we have similar >finally going to have sex with her >unzip my pants >w-what? >\"It's like a third arm. I don't have room for that.\"\n>she leaves my apartment >we text later, says she had an ex that tore her vag with her dick>apparently, he was \"big\" but still not as \"big\" as me (I'm a little over 7 and a half inches, about 6>now she's afraid of large dicks >she apologizes and says we aren't compatible\n>we agree to break up >feelsbadman >over the next two days, get texts from three of her friends and her cousin (all female) to hookup>feelsbetterman\n<|endoftext|> |
> Guys who post 4chan > Guys who post on reddit > Guys who post on instagram\n> Guys who post on linkedin > Guys who post on twitter\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>get sick\n>decide to eat\n>mfw I got even more sick from eating>mfw i got even more sick from not eating<|endoftext|> |
>Be at Swedish ship cruise >haven't defecated in a week week >shit at least three giant python in the toilet\n>try to flush >not working.jpg >panic > try to flush again but shit doesn't flush\n>look for a cleaner lady in the hallway\n>Swedish is really bad so grab the hand of cleaner, and take her to the bathroom\n>try to flush and say \"titta\"(watch in english) while push flush button >shit goes quite normally away to sewer <|endoftext|> |
>why yes, i spend 20% of my allowance on reddit gold awards to let people know<|endoftext|> |
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|> |
>ex-classmate creates a messenger group>adds me and other classmates in it>another classmate asks what this >have the sudden inexplicable urge >\"One word, PARTY!\" >decide not to in the last moment\n>classmate that texts >its for another classmate's mother's funeral\n>tfw I almost called a burial a party\n<|endoftext|> |
>Steve Harvey: \"We asked 100 people,>Contestant: \"The >SH: \"A WUH... HUH??\" >audience erupts into laughter >Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself>laughter gets even louder >SH: \"O lordy...\u201d >one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from>SH: \"YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP\" >the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls>the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself>SH: (putting on a weary voice) \"Survey says...\">the board shows 100 for \"penis\" >Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes<|endoftext|> |
>be me >on vacation in France with family >we can hear the staff belittling us for being tourists >grandpa leans into my ear and tells me to play >slowly starts speaking in a more southern accent >by the time the check comes he is completely >end of the meal comes >he tucks the table cloth into his pants and gets up >naturally all the plates and glasses break >everyone turns and looks >grandpa runs out of the fucking restaurant >fly back to America before we get in legal trouble <|endoftext|> |
>weird fucking dream i had:\n>chilling in my room\n>look through my window on second floor>see three elderly women passing by on the road>one of them looks at my window\n>oh shit they saw me\n>she takes a TV temote control and points it towards my window.>window turns black\n>bitch just turned off my window\n>wake up angry\n>what?? <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>23 year old male\n>poo fetish\n>usally order the goods from websites specialised for this>moved to detroit recently >couldnt take the poo with me\n>ordered new poo online\n>package didnt arrive\n>ask ups they say it has been delivered\n>wtf?\n>check security cammera\n>some porch pirate stole the fucking package\n>mfw <|endoftext|> |
> How dol get an Italian MILF gf? <|endoftext|> |
>gf praises me for being smart I ff 4. >I flunked out of art school while she = >gf tells me! am so tall>lam 5'7\", she is 5'6\"\n>gf tells me I am a natural leader\n>I am shy and quiet\n>gf wishes she was athletic like me\n>I am a shut nerd What is she doing? I don't understand what she>my gf is being nice to me\n>what is her endgame?\n<|endoftext|> |
>am fully vaccinated >still wear a mask in public because it triggers antimaskers into>I'm free to wear a mask and that freedom makes them seeth.<|endoftext|> |
>go to iFunny >post a green text >get called a Reddit user\n>get called a normie <|endoftext|> |
>read provided course math textbook>be hopelessly confused, not even begin to understand>go to 2 hr class, lose track in 5 >go home and copy paste >understand how to do it in 5 minutes <|endoftext|> |
>get covid\n>getting worse over 2 week period\n>come to terms with my death\n>decide to crack open my gamer girl pee and take a sip, because>sense of smell and taste come >gulp down the whole bottle\n>feel super tired, fall asleep\n>wake up, 100% cured <|endoftext|> |
>tfw red dead redemption 2 made me realize that there's no hiding from civilization since it's>tfw can't even really homestead today bc of stupid laws>can't even properly explore anything anymore because there isn't anything still left to explore<|endoftext|> |
> Me about a week ago > Feeling depressed, tell a story > Next morning, see my fucking greentext at the > Has like 5k karma, and all the comments are > You faggots are probably reading this on <|endoftext|> |