Datasets:

paul-stansifer

/

qwantz-strips-3550

like 0

don't even get me started

Narrator: THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! Narrator: based on a true story T-Rex: I'd better go gather the ingredients! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! T-Rex: What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. T-Rex: Argh! T-Rex: So frustrated! Utahraptor: What's the matter? T-Rex: Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. Utahraptor: I can imagine! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Screw it! T-Rex (punchline): We're having Kraft Dinner, and she can deal!

dooooooooooomed

T-Rex: After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role! T-Rex: This play is more abstract, for you see... T-Rex: I play "Religion"! T-Rex: I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves. T-Rex: I am truth and beauty! T-Rex: I am love and humility! T-Rex: It's the role I was born to play! Utahraptor: Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: I got a part in the new play down at the community centre! Utahraptor: Guess what? Utahraptor: I play "Science"! T-Rex: Nooooo! T-Rex (punchline): Our friendship is doomed!!

a t-rex and a utahraptor are arguing about god

Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round one T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? T-Rex: This means war! T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this just mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex (punchline): Science has all the answers AGAIN!

send your responses to uncle_art@insaneabode.com

Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round two T-Rex: Stupid Science, thinking it has all the answers to all the questions! T-Rex: Wait! That's it! T-Rex: I can win this by asking the big questions, the important unanswerable questions that Science doesn't have an answer to! T-Rex: "Why are we here?" "What is our purpose?" - that sort of thing! Utahraptor: Well, if it isn't Religion! Out crushing the life of some poor woman under its trusty patriarchal foot, I see! T-Rex: Shut up! T-Rex: You know, you can't answer any important questions! You can say something to "How?", but nothing to "Why?"! Utahraptor: Oh, and you can? T-Rex: Yes! That's exactly why we have religion! Utahraptor: So why are we here? T-Rex: That's easy! Heading: [dark blue] HEY KIDS! Heading: [lighter blue] PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! T-Rex: [empty speech balloon] Instruction (punchline): Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear!

originally the bottom 3 panels were going to be blank

Narrator: COMPRESSED COMICS COMICS Narrator: today's comic: UNDERSTANDING COMICS by scott mccloud T-Rex: Comics are words or images juxtaposed in deliberate sequence! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WHERE THE PUNCHLINE IS Narrator: "NO THANKS, CHUCKLES" Utahraptor: Want to help me move in to my new apartment? T-Rex: Let's see! Hours of unpaid labour, heavy lifting, getting to see all your laundry... T-Rex (punchline): No thanks, Chuckles!

good heavens!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to become a famous author! T-Rex: To that end, I will write a novel! T-Rex: It will be about a young man who wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect-like creature! T-Rex: I will call my book, "The Metamorphazoid". T-Rex: The story ends when the young man, whom I shall call "Gregory", dies, scorned by his family and love ones! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: I'm concerned that the plot to your novel seems a little familiar. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that I've plagiarized it, good sir? Utahraptor: I do! T-Rex (punchline): Why, what cheek!

the t-rex is out of touch

T-Rex: I wonder, is there an essential "feminine", one that trancends histories and cultures? T-Rex: Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? T-Rex: Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? T-Rex: I sure am great! T-Rex: Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! Utahraptor: I disagree! Utahraptor: I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. Utahraptor: And you'd better call a plumber, because these pipes are going to burst! T-Rex: "Pipes" means "muscles", right? T-Rex: That's slang, right? T-Rex (punchline): Slang of today's youth culture?

the whole freakin' system is out of order

Narrator: T-REX IN "THE RULES" T-Rex: Today I'm going to play by my own rules! T-Rex: And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! T-Rex: Playing by my own rules is fun! T-Rex: Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! Utahraptor: Stop it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! T-Rex: Nihilism? Utahraptor: Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex (punchline): And I was all, "my apocalyptic tenor has not been dispelled"?

introduce this into your vocabulary, please

T-Rex: I'm really looking forward to the little soirée I've got lined up for tonight... T-Rex: Party at my house!! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Hey, are you still in for tonight? Dromiceiomimus: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but something came up. But say "hi" to everyone for me! T-Rex: Oh, that's too bad. Well, some other time! Utahraptor: I'm totally pumped for the party tonight, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: The only downside is that the Dromiceiomimus won't be able to come. Utahraptor: But she was the only woman you invited, wasn't she? T-Rex: SHIT! She was! T-Rex: Why do my parties always turn into one big Oktoberfest? Off panel: "Oktoberfest"? T-Rex (punchline): Beer and sausages!

for felicity and evlyn payton tayler

T-Rex: I am tired of things not getting done my way. T-Rex: Therefore, I am going into politics! T-Rex: As a politician, I will have power and influence! Things will get done, and they will get done my way! Finally, I will be the person making all the important decisions! Utahraptor: T-Rex, we live in a democracy of dinosaurs! You'll have to get elected if you wish to have power! T-Rex: I see! T-Rex: Will you vote for me? Utahraptor: Well, um, what's your platform? What issues are you concerned about? Utahraptor: My mom works at the library, and there have been cutbacks lately, so that's a concern for us. T-Rex: Your mom's a librarian?! T-Rex (punchline): That's AWESOME!

what a kidder

Narrator: T-REX IN "THE SEARCH FOR GOD" T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find God! T-Rex: Are you in this house, God? I am looking for you! Come out come out whereever you are! T-Rex: Ready or not, here I come! Utahraptor: When people say they are looking for God, they do not mean it literally! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: What that means is that they are on a spiritual search, trying to find God-the-idea, not God-the-person-hiding-behind-the-couch. T-Rex: Oh, I see what you're saying. I guess that makes sense. Narrator: BACK AT HOME... T-Rex: I can't believe you were hiding behind the couch the entire time! God (punchline): I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU

if something happens on july 30th 2215 they're gonna find this comic and it will BLOW THEIR MINDS

Narrator: COMICS FROM THE FUTURE T-Rex: Who can forget the events of July 30th, 2215? Dromiceiomimus: Their significance cannot be overstated. Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS FROM THE Narrator: FUTURE Narrator: a reprise Utahraptor: Who can forget the events of July 30th, 2215? T-Rex: Their significance cannot be overstated! Narrator (punchline): THE END

there's a story behind THAT

T-Rex: Believe in yourself, and you can do anything! Narrator: PLATITUDE COMICS T-Rex: I also enjoy: T-Rex: "Wow, that's VERY good for a first try!" T-Rex: and T-Rex: "Just do what you think is best!" T-Rex: I also like "I do love you... as a friend!" Utahraptor: That's not a platitude! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: It's not a platitude! T-Rex (punchline): OK then!

notice how even if you skip to the last panel, the mystery is not spoiled?

Narrator: A MYSTERY COMIC T-Rex: ...ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred! T-Rex: Ready or not, here I come! T-Rex: Where are you, Utahraptor? Are you hiding in this house? Come out come out wherever you are! T-Rex: No? T-Rex: Where could you have gone? T-Rex: Are you hiding beneath this woman? No? Utahraptor: I found you, T-Rex! T-Rex: No, I'm looking for you! Utahraptor: But I thought - Off panel: Man, how do you screw up "Hide and Go Seek"? T-Rex (punchline): It's a mystery!

that didn't help at all!

T-Rex: Why am I here? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: Am I here to fulfill some higher purpose? How can that be, if I remain completely unaware of it? T-Rex: It appears that there is some aspect of myself that craves a meaning - any meaning - to my actions. Utahraptor: If you feel so aimless, why not create your own meaning and invest your actions with it? T-Rex: Good idea! T-Rex: So what meaning do you see my actions representing? Utahraptor: The futility of life? T-Rex: Oh man! T-Rex (punchline): Now I feel worse than ever!

and we're just the two dinosaurs for the job!

Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENRE T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for lavishing praise on people! T-Rex: Is this perhaps the ultimate secret to popularity? Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Hello, little Dromiceiomimus! You are certainly a nice colour this morning! Dromiceiomimus: Oh! Well, thank you! T-Rex: Think nothing of it, my good lady! T-Rex: You will stomp nicely, young woman! Good show! Utahraptor: Hey, I heard you were giving out compliments? T-Rex: I am! And you, Utahraptor, are quite affable at times! Utahraptor: "Quite affable at times"? That's it? Utahraptor: That's my compliment? Utahraptor: That's pretty weak! Narrator: [blue comic book font, angled] SUDDENLY! T-Rex: There's no time for that now! T-Rex (punchline): We've got a President to save!

just plain wasting my money!

T-Rex: I'm worried that I'm putting on weight. T-Rex: I'm worried that I'll grow up to be a fat dinosaur! T-Rex: It's not that I'm suddenly eating more, I think, it's that my metabolism is slowing down - so the food I eat is going straight to my trendy hips! T-Rex: That's why I'm vowing to get out and get exercise every day from now on! Utahraptor: What, by stomping on people? T-Rex: It's good exercise! Utahraptor: Yeah, but maybe if you went to less all-you-can-eat restaurants you wouldn't need to exercise so much! T-Rex: But then they'd be less of a deal! T-Rex (punchline): I'd be wasting my money!

the last panel would make a good email signature line

T-Rex: I fear that I've lost something... something important! T-Rex: Something I'll never get back again! T-Rex: Something that was very special! Something that I guess part of me thought I'd always have with me! T-Rex: Something that I'd tried to hold on to, but lost nonetheless! T-Rex: Something- Utahraptor: Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY. T-Rex: What? I was talking about a baby tooth. T-Rex (punchline): Alright, I was talking about my virginity!

this last panel would also make a good email signature line

T-Rex: What is the point of going to sleep? I'm just going to wake up again! T-Rex: Wait! I'm a genius! T-Rex: With my nights freed from the chore of sleep, I will become unstoppable! I'll have an extra eight hours to plan and scheme! T-Rex: I will stop sleeping right away! Tonight! T-Rex: Who knows what the future holds for me? Narrator: TWENTY YEARS LATER... Utahraptor: Want to come over for a slumber party? Utahraptor: Oh, sorry, I forgot how you never sleep. T-Rex: What the hell, man? T-Rex (punchline): It's been like twenty years!

mom did WHAT?

T-Rex: Where do babies come from? T-Rex: An excellent course of inquiry! T-Rex: Solving this mystery will put to rest many of the niggling mysteries of my creation! I will finally have an "origin story"! Utahraptor: You want to know where babies come from? T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: Are you sure? It's pretty... biological. T-Rex: Please! Fill me in! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex (punchline): MOM did that?

'once again?'

T-Rex: I was thinking about my grade-school days last night, and I realized I couldn't remember most of the people who were in my classes! T-Rex: I've forgotten pretty much everyone who didn't go on to the same high school as I did! T-Rex: This has raised some pretty profound questions for me. First off, it seems evident that I have finite space in my brain, and things are getting erased. T-Rex: The problem is, I don't have any control - conscious at least - over what gets deleted and what stays. Utahraptor: And you're concerned because you don't know who you are if you can't even trust your memories, right? T-Rex: Right. I'd say a good part of who a person is comes from their experiences - but if they are forgotten, where does that leave the person? Utahraptor: I suppose this comes down to whether or not you believe there is some essential part of you, something more than the sum of your experiences. T-Rex: There's only one way to find out! It seems that, once again, I will have to contract... T-Rex: AMNESIA! Narrator (punchline): TO BE CONTINUED...

this illustrates why you should never listen to a talking utahraptor

T-Rex: If I want to know for sure who I am, I have to find out if I'm the same person when I don't have all my memories. I need to contract amnesia! T-Rex: Time for a severe non-penetrative blow to the head! T-Rex: But I'll have to be careful about this. I want TEMPORARY amnesia; I don't want to end up not remembering anything ever again! T-Rex: Hmmm. T-Rex: Maybe soliciting a concussive blow to the head isn't the best idea I've ever had. T-Rex: I COULD get temporary amnesia from a sudden, disturbing realization, but- Utahraptor: T-Rex! God must be either dead or uncaring! Utahraptor: Sorry, was that too eager? Utahraptor: Running up behind you like that? Utahraptor: Too eager? Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): W-who am I?

they are the two best things to be

Narrator: AMNESIA: T-Rex: I can't remember a thing about myself! T-Rex: Therefore, I will use deduction to determine my role and place in society! T-Rex: Judging by this well-conditioned body - including thighs - and coupled with what I feel intuitively to be an impressive intellect, I can be one thing and one thing alone! T-Rex: An astronaut! Utahraptor: You're not an astronaut! T-Rex: I'm not? Utahraptor: No! Utahraptor: You are a Tyrannosaurus Rex. T-Rex: Seriously? Utahraptor: Yep. Utahraptor: Seriously. T-Rex: Kick ass! T-Rex (punchline): That's good too!

he's got you there!

T-Rex: I think I'll go for a walk today! T-Rex: Uncanny! It's as if I'm seeing the world for the first time! T-Rex: This amnesia has given me the wide-eyed innocence of a new-born child! T-Rex: I'm filled with wonder and awe at the most casual display of nature's beauty! T-Rex: Look at that house! Incredible! T-Rex: Everything is precious! The glory of the world astounds me! Utahraptor: Then why are you stomping things? T-Rex: I don't know... it just feels right. Utahraptor: But can someone who's destroying beauty truly appreciate it? T-Rex (punchline): Arguably, yes!

obviously in the parallel universe he didn't forget to shower

T-Rex: Shoot! I forgot to have a shower this morning. T-Rex: That's funny, because I smell fine! Dromiceiomimus: That's funny, because you never seem showered whenever I see you. T-Rex: That's funny, because I don't seem to recall soliciting comments! Utahraptor: That's funny, because you always voice every single thought in your head! T-Rex: That's funny, because at least I have thoughts! Utahraptor: Well that's funny, because no you don't! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE... T-Rex: Sure! I'd love to come to your dinner party! T-Rex (punchline): Why yes, I am freshly showered!

i'm considering this to be character development

T-Rex: I have discovered several advantages to having amnesia! T-Rex: For instance: being able to forget things and having nobody blame you! Narrator: SHORTLY: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, did you remember my birthday today? T-Rex: Sorry, I forgot! Dromiceiomimus: Oh well! You have amnesia, so I guess that's OK. Utahraptor: T-Rex, did you remember to do your taxes this year? T-Rex: Nope! Amnesia! Utahraptor: That's funny, because taxes were due months ago, long before you contracted amnesia. T-Rex (punchline): That's OK; I never do them anyway!

he's really getting into it!

Narrator: A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR explained T-Rex: Many jokes begin with this line. It is called the "set-up", and is analogous to establishing-shots in films or first paragraphs in essays. T-Rex: It alerts the audience that what follows is likely to be a short story with a humourous climax! T-Rex: What is the attraction to this structure of humour? Why are there so many jokes about men walking into bars? T-Rex: Part of the attraction to this structure may be its possibilities: most anything can happen in a bar, especially if this bar is contained within the wild and woolly world of the verbal jest. Utahraptor: What about the joke, "A man walks into a bar... ouch!"? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: The joke assumes some sophistication on the part of the audience, an expectation gleamed from previous jokes that the bar is a drinking establishment. Utahraptor: Go on! T-Rex: The "ouch" is startling. How could entering a bar hurt? It forces us to now re-evaluate our most basic assumptions. T-Rex: We must ask ourselves, "What if the bar was an bar proper, and by walking into it the man actually, physically, walked into it?" T-Rex (punchline): It is this confusion on the part of the listener that is responsible for the humour!

seriously, dude! that's awesome!

T-Rex: I feel odd.. as if my amnesia is wearing off! T-Rex: Uncanny! All my memories are flooding back in a torrent of life history! T-Rex: I remember this tiny house and car! I liked to step on them regularly! Like so! T-Rex: And I remember you, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Do I ever! T-Rex: And I remember this tiny woman! I remember I liked to stomp on her! Utahraptor: You do it every day! Utahraptor: Personally, I wish you'd stop. T-Rex: Holy! How'd you do that thing with your voice just now?! T-Rex (punchline): Seriously, it makes me feel like doing whatever you say!

we all have an enthusiastic dentist

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for going for - oh shoot! T-Rex: I forgot about my dentist's appointment! T-Rex: Damn damn damn. I can't call now and reschedule because I'll have to admit that I forgot entirely. T-Rex: Then I'll probably have to explain that I had amnesia and the dentist will think I'm crazy. Utahraptor: You seem to have a lot of respect for dentists! T-Rex: I do indeed! Utahraptor: But DID YOU KNOW that dentists only clean your teeth and hang out with you because you pay them to? Utahraptor: He's not really your friend, T-Rex! T-Rex: But... Dr. Cohen! T-Rex (punchline): He always seemed so enthusiastic!

my dad did this ALL THE TIME

Narrator: T-REX IN: Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY "NO" T-Rex: I have compiled a list of different ways to say "no"! T-Rex: One way is to shake, or nod, your head, depending on which culture you're in! T-Rex: Another good way is to suck in air through your teeth. This indicates a severe problem with whatever is being proposed! T-Rex: Violence can also be an effective way of saying "no"! T-Rex: For instance, I find stomping to be unambiguous. Utahraptor: Listing ways of saying "no"? T-Rex: You "know" it! Utahraptor: Ho ho! Utahraptor: Was this entire conversation an excuse for that crappy pun? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] How did he "know"?

aww

T-Rex: I have taken the aesthetics and beliefs of the romanticism movement and adopted them for my own! T-Rex: I now emphasize my own subjective experience as visionary and trancendental! T-Rex: I no longer value piety or virtue, or constancy (or consistency), or even the search for scientific truth! I only value my own capacity for experience! T-Rex: As a consequence, my own actions can no longer be judged by any public idea of right and wrong! As experience is amoral, even my own conscience cannot judge my actions, and I am free from reproach and judgment! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, this is nothing more than deifying the ego, defiant of conventional morality! Utahraptor: You've chosen for yourself a philosophy that justifies everything you do as good, simply because you did it! Now tell me, how is that a useful moral and ethical system? T-Rex: Well, um, Utahraptor: "Well, um" exactly! T-Rex (punchline): I thought maybe we'd have a good time discussing it?

it's true, it is far too specific a stereotype

T-Rex: I have been secretly working on my first novel! T-Rex: I call it, "Love and the Dead-Eyed Stoolie!" T-Rex: The exclaimation mark belongs inside the title. It is that exciting a novel! T-Rex: It stars a T-Rex as a hard-boiled detective, and a conniving Utahraptor as the Dead-Eyed Stoolie! T-Rex: A "stoolie" is someone who betrays his partners in crime to the police! Utahraptor: Why is a Utahraptor the stoolie? T-Rex: Well, I think that's pretty obvious. Utahraptor: And I think it's pretty obvious that you are propagating the stereotype that Utahraptors are untrustworthy criminals! T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex (punchline): That is a ludicrously over-specific stereotype!

it is awesome when somebody is singing the same song you are

T-Rex: Dear, when you smile at me, T-Rex: I heard a melody! T-Rex: It haunted me from the start! T-Rex: Something inside of me... Utahraptor: ... started a symphony! T-Rex and Utahraptor: "Zing!" went the strings of my heart! T-Rex (punchline): That was awesome!

boo

Narrator: THE MOVING COMIC T-Rex: I have a friend... T-Rex: Let's call him "Ryan"! T-Rex: Anyway, "Ryan" moved to a new city this weekend. He loaded up all his books into his car, but when he arrived, they were soaked! T-Rex: Ruined. T-Rex: PULP. T-Rex: I understand he was pretty upset about this. Utahraptor: Oh well! T-Rex: Well, that's not very supportive! Utahraptor: Hey, I know this guy! The books were probably all comics anyway, and they don't matter, right? T-Rex (punchline): Hey, that's right!

really, don't let it bother you at all!

Narrator: ADVENTURE COMICS! T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: Today is a good day I think... for an ADVENTURE! Narrator: THE END T-Rex: What? But I never got to go on my adventure! T-Rex: God damn it! T-Rex: This makes me so angry! Utahraptor: Me too! T-Rex: Why are you angry? Utahraptor: I was hoping your adventure would take you out of town for a few days! Utahraptor: I could have come over and watched TV! T-Rex: I don't have a TV! Off panel (punchline): Forget it then!

dinosaurs shouldn't read sue grafton

T-Rex: Well, my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the Structured Query Language for databases! T-Rex: It's called... T-Rex: "UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'"! T-Rex: It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! T-Rex: A database... of MURDERS! Utahraptor: Your screenplay, once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! T-Rex (punchline): Pretty nerdy, my friend!

'i just thought i'd drop in!' he shouts, descending

Narrator: EXCITEMENT COMICS T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find some excitement! T-Rex: Hmm... stomping this house is kind of exciting, but it's a more familiar feeling - like getting served a favourite meal. It's good, but I know how it's going to end. I think I can do something more exciting. T-Rex: Well! Stomping on this woman is exciting, but again - too familiar. Utahraptor: What are you doing? T-Rex: I'm looking for excitement! But so far it's been pretty much a "bust". Utahraptor: Hmm... you could go skydiving! T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex: And I could land on my enemies' houses! T-Rex (punchline): "Surprise!"

the t-rex is acutely aware of the ironies in his own life

T-Rex: I have noticed that eating different foods has different physiological effects on myself. There must be some 'balanced diet' that maximizes the agreeable effects of such nourishment! T-Rex: With this in mind, I have created... the Nutrinomicon! T-Rex: The Nutrinomicon divides foods into four different 'groups'. These 'groups' have prescribed allowances per day. T-Rex: By following the nutritional regime of the Nutrinomicon, you can be assured of a fine diet! Utahraptor: Your "Nutrinomicon" is nothing more than a Food Guide, repackaged! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: All the major governments have published Food Guides, which do exactly what your Nutrinomicon purports to do: divide food into groups, and describe how much of each group is allowable for a balanced diet. Utahraptor: I have to admit, your name is cooler, though. T-Rex: But - I stayed up all night working on the celebrated and unmentionable Nutrinomicon! T-Rex (punchline): I even skipped dinner, which is ironic, because I was working on a guide to nutrition!

the alternate ending panel had the t-rex just standing there, speechless with outrage

Narrator: FILMIC TECHNIQUES COMICS T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: I believe I'll offer some advice on employing everyday filmic techniques! T-Rex: To begin: when filming, you always want to stay on one side of the action. This is because if you suddenly start filming from the OPPOSITE side of the action, it will appear to be reversed! T-Rex: Observe: T-Rex: Notice how I appear to be stomping in the opposite direction! Utahraptor: Amazing! Utahraptor: Have you covered the "flashback" yet? T-Rex: No, please, be my guest! Utahraptor: The flashback can be used to provide more detail about a character's motivation! For instance: Narrator: TWENTY YEARS AGO... Off panel: I told you, son: no stomping! T-Rex (punchline): You're not the boss of me!

try to keep up!

T-Rex: When you spend your time talking to a T-Rex... T-Rex: Everyone's a winner! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Would you care to have a little chat, perhaps? Dromiceiomimus: Gosh, I'm sorry - I was just on my way to the grocery store. Some other time, OK? T-Rex: Oh, OK. T-Rex: Well that neither proves nor disproves my theory! Utahraptor: Which theory? T-Rex: Today I've been operating under the assumption that when you talk to a T-Rex (such as myself, you understand) - everyone's a winner! Utahraptor: "A winner"? Utahraptor: How do you mean? T-Rex: Like, everybody is better for the experience? T-Rex: Geez, man! T-Rex (punchline): It's not that complicated a sentiment!

see? it says right here: 'fire insurance'

T-Rex: What's the deal with people who quote other people all the time? Narrator: PEOPLE WHO QUOTE OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME COMICS T-Rex: Anyway, I'd better get on with my day! Narrator: THE END Narrator: 'T-REX, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!' Utahraptor: T-Rex, your house is on fire! T-Rex: I know! I'm trying to collect on the insurance money! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you don't have any fire insurance! T-Rex: Oh no! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: What the hell was he talking about? T-Rex (punchline): I've got the insurance papers right here!

it was pretty neat

Narrator: JOY COMICS T-Rex: "Joy"?! T-Rex: Who uses the word "joy" anymore? T-Rex: "Happy", sure - but outside of a religious context, is anything described as "joyous" anymore? T-Rex: Besides weddings, I guess. And childbirths. Utahraptor: Maybe you're too old and cynical and embittered to believe in things like joy, T-Rex! Utahraptor: The reason the word seems odd to you is that it is entirely untouched by popularity or irony! "Awesome" has lost all its power through overuse, but "joy" still means something! Utahraptor: I think perhaps you are a bit embarrassed by the idea of joy! Maybe because you've never experienced it? T-Rex: I have so experienced joy! I have so! T-Rex (punchline): It was awesome!

specifically, he's glad that nobody knows he's fantasized about being of the opposite gender and of dating his best friend

T-Rex: I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! T-Rex: I wonder! T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiomimus! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are after all both women! Dromiceiomimus: That is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear! T-Rex: Nor do I! [T-Rex's daydream] Narrator: LATER... Utahraptor: Are you doing anything tonight? [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself! Utahraptor: Excellent! Shall we say, nine-ish? T-Rex: It's a date! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex (punchline): I'm glad I keep these little fantasies to myself!

re-read it using a sarcastic tone the whole time for a second, more illustrative comic

Narrator: SARCASM COMICS T-Rex: What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? T-Rex: This is a serious question! What if in the past, when I assume somebody has picked up on what I took to be obvious sarcasm, they took me at face value? T-Rex: Oh my God! The misunderstandings would be legion! This is a huge concern! T-Rex: I may have unintentionally lied or alienated every one of my friends! Utahraptor: Again? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Can YOU tell when I'm being sarcastic? Utahraptor: Well, I think so, but say something sarcastic now and I'll tell you what it sounds like. T-Rex: Ok - just give me a second to think of something! *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): Oh no! I'm so worried! What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic?

i stole most of the dialogue for this comic off the messageboard! (thanks joey and justinpie and vituperator, i stole your words!)

T-Rex: I just found out that a hurricane is expected to hit this area! T-Rex: More specifically, the area including my house! T-Rex: A category one! We hardly ever get actual hurricanes here! T-Rex: I am the EXCITED one. T-Rex: In fact - more like category fun! This is going to be awesome! Utahraptor: Aren't you afraid? T-Rex: Why? I'll be able to don a raincoat and hat, go outside in the storm and pretend to give pseudo-meteorological reports! T-Rex: "Back to you, Utahraptor!" Utahraptor: That - that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Narrator: LATER... T-Rex (punchline): My house!

that's right, he should

Narrator: T-REX IN: "COMPUTATIONAL LINGUISTICS" T-Rex: Computational linguistics is the study of computer-based language processing! T-Rex: A major area of computational lingistics is that of "ambiguity resolution". It turns out that many things people say in a language - English, for example - can have more than one meaning! T-Rex: Consider the phrase "fruit flies like a banana". Is it describing the taste of fruit flies, or rather flying fruit? How can a computer hope to figure this out? T-Rex: Many have focused on statistical modelling of language, but this approach is approximate. Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: What do YOU know about computational linguistics? Utahraptor: Ever read a little paper called "Non-Statistical Models for Unsupervised Prepositional Phrase Attachment?" Utahraptor: That was me! Utahraptor: [small] It was some of my earliest work on head word tuples! T-Rex: Shit man, you know more about this than I do! T-Rex (punchline): You know what? You should be the one doing the talking here!

that's why no pictures allowed at MY wedding

T-Rex: I received an invitation via the post last night! A very exclusive invitation... T-Rex: ... to a wedding! Dromiceiomimus: Who's getting married? T-Rex: A friend of mine! She's getting married to a woman she met four years ago! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! Utahraptor: Ooh! Ooh! Can I be your guest for the wedding? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: Awesome! I've never been to a wedding before, much less a lesbian wedding! This is exciting! T-Rex: I know! We'll get to see them KISS! Utahraptor: That's not what I meant! T-Rex: Whatever, man! T-Rex (punchline): I bet I won't be the only one taking a picture!

why are THEY nervous?

Narrator: AT THE WEDDING T-Rex: Being at my first wedding is exciting, but also makes me nervous! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! What are YOU doing here? Dromiceiomimus: It turns out MY sister knows your friend's bride! Small world! T-Rex: Yeah, small world! Utahraptor: T-Rex! The wedding is about to start! T-Rex: Oh man! How do I look? Utahraptor: Great! Great! How do I look? T-Rex: Supoib! Utahraptor: Then let's go! I'll meet you in the third row! T-Rex (punchline): Wait up!

today's last panel is ANOTHER good email signature line! especially if you're a businessman/woman! Imagine: In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

Narrator: AT THE RECEPTION: T-Rex: Well, the wedding went off without a hitch! T-Rex: Ha ha, not counting the slang meaning of 'hitch' of course! T-Rex: What did you think of the wedding, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I cried! It was a beautiful wedding. Are you going to see the brides? T-Rex: I'm on my way there now! T-Rex: I will congratulate them on finding happiness! Utahraptor: What are you talking about? Utahraptor: The brides are gone, T-Rex! Remember when they ran down the church stairs while we showered confetti on them? They've left for their honeymoon! T-Rex: Oh yeah! But there's still cake for us, right? Utahraptor: Right! T-Rex (punchline): I love lesbian weddings!

people as impressionable as he should be careful what they read

T-Rex: This marriage has gotten me thinking about monogamy. T-Rex: I did some research! T-Rex: I found a book called "The Ethical Slut"! T-Rex: Basically it gives advice for having loving polygamous relationships. A lot of it makes sense! Like say your girlfriend has a best friend, and they go out one night. You're happy for her, right? You love her, you want her to be happy. So why should that change when you add sex to it? T-Rex: The book also posits that an artificial 'economy of scarcity' in sex leads to jealousy and possessiveness. Utahraptor: You're saying that because sex is 'rare', it has increased value, and is therefore treasured unreasonably? T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: That's what the book says, anyway. It's not anti-monogamy, but it is pro-polygamy. Utahraptor: But don't you find that these things don't work in real life? I know I want my partner to be happy, but I also want all of his or her kisses. T-Rex: Artificial economy of scarcity, my friend! Like diamonds! Off panel: Why are you so interested in this, anyway? T-Rex (punchline): Who knows!

nintendo is also the coolest!

Narrator: COMICS WITH EMBEDDED FASHION ADVICE Narrator: PART ONE T-Rex: Man, did you see what that Triceratops was wearing at the film last night? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, he has really bad fashion sense! T-Rex: You said it! Utahraptor: Did you see him last weekend? T-Rex: No, what was he wearing? Utahraptor: Well, let's just say that a lime green t-shirt coupled with electric blue shorts is not exactly the most stylish of outfits. T-Rex: W- T-Rex: What's wrong with that? T-Rex (punchline): That's the coolest!

they were going to call it 'dinobore' comics originally, but 'dinosnore' came through at the last second

Image description: The comic is in greyscale, and characters have rectangular speech balloons Heading: Paleontology Phunnies Dept. MAD writers: Once in a long while we come across a comic strip that is so mind-bogglingly bad, we can't help but wonder why it isn't already extinct! It's time for a MAD look at... Heading: DINOSNORE COMICS T-Rex: It's a good thing I've come up with some things to talk about today! Otherwise, I could lose my job! T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiolongname! People call me the T-Blech! Dromiceiomimus: Because you're the king of dinosaurs? T-Rex: No! Because I have such bad breath! How could I ever brush my teeth with these tiny arms? Utahraptor: Yo yo, T-Blech! Can you help me and my home dinoz stomp out all the humans? If they don't die out soon, we'll lose the survival competition to these upstart primates, dawg! T-Rex: I'm already on it, Utahrapper! I've been stomping on humans and their houses for months now! Haven't you noticed their population getting smaller? Utahraptor: Yo, I thought I was just getting bigger! T-Rex: That is an interesting philosophical point! Is everything relative? Off panel: Forget it, T-Blech! We've philosophized instead of taking action, and now the humans have won! We'll all be extinct by tomorrow! T-Rex (punchline): Oh well! For some reason I feel as if the world would be better off without us! I only have one fear, Utahrapper: that the humans might one day invent reality television!

the utahraptor is not too upset because he got to eat all the food himself

T-Rex: Today is Thanksgiving Day! Narrator: THANKSGIVING DAY COMICS T-Rex: I'm excited! I always look forward to all the food you get to eat during Thanksgiving! T-Rex: My favourite is mashed potatoes! I've left extra room in my stomach for mashed potatoes! Dromiceiomimus: But, T-Rex, Thanksgiving was - T-Rex: Sorry to interrupt, but I must be on my way! I'm having dinner with the Utahraptor! Utahraptor: T-Rex, where the hell were you? T-Rex: Huh? What do you mean? Utahraptor: I cooked all day and you didn't even show up! T-Rex: But - that dinner's tonight! Utahraptor: No! You always have the big meal the night BEFORE Thanksgiving Day! Utahraptor: You missed out! T-Rex: Aww boo! T-Rex (punchline): This time, I've disappointed even myself!

wait a minute! these aren't real photographs!

Narrator: T-REX IN: Narrator: "THE WHITE LIE THAT SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL" T-Rex: I stayed at home last night and watched a movie! T-Rex: But as to not appear nerdy, I told everyone that I went out "clubbing"! Narrator: PRESENTLY: Dromiceiomimus: How was the club, T-Rex? T-Rex: It was great! I had a great time dancing with, uh, three different women! Dromiceiomimus: Three women? T-Rex: Yeah, at once! It was awesome! I have pictures! Utahraptor: Wow! Can I see your pictures? T-Rex: Sure! I'll make enlargements for everyone! Utahraptor: Great! T-Rex: And David Suzuki was there too! I boogied with him! Utahraptor: Awesome! Utahraptor: Wow T-Rex, I can't wait to see those incredible pictures! T-Rex: And so you shall! Narrator (punchline): NEXT: HIJINKS

seriously, where the heck did he go?

[Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I've come up with some patently absurd ideas that I will pontificate upon, only to annoy the Utahraptor! T-Rex: I just bet I do this because I'm bored! [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I'm probably jealous of him too! T-Rex: Probably! [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course. I'm too self-absorbed! T-Rex: Life is great! T-Rex: Now I think I'll go stomp on a woman just because she's there! [Utahraptor's daydream] Utahraptor: T-Rex! Don't stomp on her! God damn it, I'm so sick of telling you not to stomp on things! T-Rex: [small] You mean stomping on things.. [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: [small] ... like this? Sound effect: [near T-Rex's foot] squish! Utahraptor: [stops daydreaming] Utahraptor: Hm... maybe I'll just stay home today! Narrator: ELSEWHERE... T-Rex (punchline): Where the hell is he?!

hey, it's my birthday too!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for increasing the integral count of my age! Narrator: BIRTHDAY FUNNIES Narrator: FUNNY 1: Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know today was your birthday! Happy birthday! T-Rex: Thank you! Dromiceiomimus: Were any famous men or women born on your birthday? T-Rex: Nope, only little babies! Narrator: FUNNY 2: Utahraptor: What do you get a fully grown Tyrannosaurus Rex for his birthday? T-Rex: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Best birthday ever!

he'd forgotten about that

T-Rex: Ahh, another relaxing day for me, T-Rex, the king of the dinosaurs and the dinosaur of kings. Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE DANGERS OF HUBRIS" Narrator: a cautionary tale T-Rex: And yet, my mighty heart is troubled. T-Rex: What is left for me to do? I am king of all that I survey! I am the dominant creature on the planet! T-Rex: Truly, I am the greatest thing ever! Utahraptor: What are you talking about? T-Rex: I was just saying how great I am. Utahraptor: T-Rex, you left the burner on at your house last night and it burnt down. [no text]

he had thought that chicks would dig a guy who could point out flaws in their reasoning

T-Rex: Well, that's another house gone. I seem to be going through houses like other people go through - T-Rex: um T-Rex: - some manner of disposable goods! Dromiceiomimus: Do you think this might be the result of all the bad house-related karma you've earned by stomping on other people's houses every day? T-Rex: I don't believe in karma! T-Rex: So: "Probably not!" Utahraptor: You have to admit you've got through a lot of houses lately! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: That doesn't imply that there's some cosmic judge keeping score of my actions. You're making a logical fallacy, namely "after which, therefore because of". Utahraptor: That's not a logical fallacy. T-Rex: Yes it is. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I tell you man, I was all over the logic books in high school!

i originally had a comic about cuttlefish: the sentient cephalopods but they are just too damn freaky

T-Rex: I'm opening up my own detective agency! T-Rex: I'm going to solve MYSTERIES! T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Do you have any mysteries you'd like solved? Dromiceiomimus: Well, not right now, but tell you what, T-Rex: if any come up, you'll be the first person I'll call! T-Rex: Excellent! Utahraptor: I've got a mystery I'd like solved! T-Rex: Oh boy! Utahraptor: The mystery is how a gigantic green building-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex expects to succeed as a undercover detective! Utahraptor: That's one mystery I'd like to get to the bottom of! T-Rex: You should know, I don't take sarcastic cases! T-Rex (punchline): Only real mysteries, please!

they live in a small town where everybody knows everybody else's birthday, and also their grandfather's birthday

T-Rex: I heard it was somebody's birthday today... T-Rex: My grandfather's! T-Rex: Wow, that's exciting! I wonder who'll be at the party tonight? T-Rex: Will there be cake? T-Rex: I'll show off my balloon-animal-making skills! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you missed his birthday! It was days ago! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah, that's the thing with birthdays: they only come once a year, and if you miss the day, you miss out! T-Rex: Shoot! I'll just have my own party for him then! Narrator: THAT EVENING... T-Rex: Wow... Grandfather sure knows how to throw a party! T-Rex (punchline): Who wants some cake?

his costume would be a confusing mix of signals

T-Rex: Hallowe'en is coming up! T-Rex: Which means, of course, that I had better get started working on my costume! T-Rex: 2 years ago I went as a ninja! That was awesome, because I got to hit people with my ninja stick! T-Rex: Last year I was a bear! T-Rex: That was not so awesome. Utahraptor: Working on costume ideas, I see! Utahraptor: Well good luck! This year my costume is going to kick your costume's butt! T-Rex: Oh yeah? What are you dressing up as? Utahraptor: I haven't decided yet! I might go for a CONCEPT. Off panel: I might go as "PLATONIC LOVE". T-Rex (punchline): Good luck representing that in a way that guys don't find inherently confusing!

we used to play like this when we were kids

T-Rex: I need to have the best costume ever this Hallowe'en! T-Rex: But I don't want to do something that's been done before! Dromiceiomimus: How about a spooky mummy? T-Rex: Lame. Dromiceiomimus: A puppy? T-Rex: Lame! T-Rex: I know! I'll go as a robot! Utahraptor: A robot?! T-Rex: What's cooler than a robotic T-Rex? T-Rex: THE·EVALUATION·OF·THAT STATEMENT·RESULTS·IN·A NULL·OUTPUT·SET Utahraptor: ERROR DETECTED IN COMPUTATION T-Rex: INPUT DISREGARDED: INFERIOR ROBOTIC MODEL T-Rex: NEW·PROGRAM·ENGAGED: 10 IGNORE WHAT UTAHRAPTOR SAYS 20 UTAHRAPTOR IS LAME 30 GOTO 10 Off panel: SYNTAX ERROR FOUND ON LINE 20: UTAHRAPTOR IS CLEARLY AWESOME T-Rex (punchline): It's too late! Line 10 was already interpreted!

they just sort of hang there

T-Rex: Maybe I'll dress up for Hallowe'en as a Utahraptor! T-Rex: That's a great idea! T-Rex: Then I'll be able to walk up to his friends and insult them! T-Rex: They'll think it's he who is the one who is insulting them! T-Rex: I could wear this costume ALL THE TIME. T-Rex: Then it's decided! I will be a Utahraptor for Hallowe'en! Utahraptor: WHAT?! Utahraptor: First off, dressing up as a member of a RACE for Hallowe'en is insanely racist. Second of all, you don't have the skill necessary to pull it off! T-Rex: I'll show you! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? Well if you're going as a Utahraptor, then I'm going as a T-Rex! Narrator: HALLOWE'EN: Narrator: [with an arrow pointing at T-Rex] (actually the Utahraptor) T-Rex: Trick or treat, or I'll stomp on your house! Off panel: Ooh! What a scary costume! T-Rex: Thank you ma'am! I stayed up all night working on it! T-Rex (punchline): [small] The vestigial arms are made of paper mache!

that's one impressive epitaph

T-Rex: I just realized that if I transformed what people say to me into something I want to hear, I will only hear things that appeal to me! T-Rex: Genius! T-Rex: I should have thought of this years ago! Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT IS TRANSMITTED AND WHAT IS RECEIVED an allegorical comic and comic allegory T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Hello, T-Rex. T-Rex: Why yes, I am super-sexy today! Utahraptor: T-Rex, stop it! You can't just go around putting words in people's mouths! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: Where there is lexical or syntactic ambiguity, you could argue that you are free to choose a preferred meaning - granted - but you cannot arbitrarily transform someone’s words into what you want! That process undermines the very foundation of language, as words are robbed of any fixed meaning, rendering communication arbitrary and pointless! T-Rex: That will be my epitaph, then! T-Rex: "Here lies T-Rex, who undermined the very foundation of language"! T-Rex (punchline): Awesome!

i submit to you that nobody would want to live in a world with such a language!

T-Rex: I have been thinking about what the Utahraptor said yesterday, and by extension the ambiguity allowable in language! T-Rex: Take the Bible, for instance! T-Rex: There's a text passed down for hundreds of generations, translated, re-written, re-edited. T-Rex: Even if you don’t assume that it’s the Word of God, the difference in meaning between what was written THEN and what you read NOW must be staggering! T-Rex: It's often said that the only way to be immortal is through your words and ideas! Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: But the Bible shows us that language is mutable! So what's the solution? How can I ensure that the ideas I have in my head when I communicate are the same as those you get in yours when you hear me? Utahraptor: I propose a rigorously defined language without syntactic or lexical ambiguity! T-Rex: But how would we write puns in such a language? T-Rex: Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Or delightfully sexy double entendres?

see also: the story where a hen baked some bread and none of the other farm animals would help her so she ate it all herself while the others STARVED

Narrator: FABLES TOLD IN SUCH A WAY AS TO APPEAL TO THE GREED OF THE READER IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM OR HER TO ACT MORE MORALISTICALLY COMICS Narrator: Once upon a time: T-Rex: Everything I have is mine, and mine alone! T-Rex: If other people want to use what's mine, they will have to get their own. T-Rex: There's only enough for me! T-Rex: Sorry! Narrator: The very next day: Utahraptor: I just won the lottery! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: Yep! It was on a SHARED lottery ticket that I SHARED with a friend of mine! Remember? The one you didn't want to SHARE with us because you wanted to buy your own? Utahraptor: Now my friend and I are richer! We have more money! Narrator: MORAL: T-Rex: I should have been more willing to share! Narrator (punchline): (IMPLICATION: "Then I'd have more money!")

that's the kind of story that should wait until at least a second date

Narrator: HOW TO MEET NEW PEOPLE T-Rex: Meeting new people can be fun! T-Rex: It can be tiring if you are meeting a lot of new people at once, however. Here are some tips on how to meet lots of people at once: T-Rex: • Wear something that will identify you and make you easy-to-remember! I recommend a "crazy" scarf or a large disfiguring scar. T-Rex: • Listen attentively to people's names when you meet them! If their name is the same as yours, laugh! Utahraptor: I've got one! Utahraptor: • Try to remember interesting stories about yourself. Having such stories close at hand allows you both to fill in awkward gaps in conversation, and also acts to give people a quick, hopefully representative picture of yourself! T-Rex (punchline): Like when I lost someone's baby!

is he making finger-quotes?!?

T-Rex: So... T-Rex: Polygamy! T-Rex: I've discovered that the problem with researching this sort of thing (polygamy) (the subject of which I'm speaking) is that everybody has an agenda! T-Rex: It's like vegetarianism: all you hear is from the militant extremes ("Meat is Murder!" "Vegetarians are Sissies!") and it's hard to find a balanced viewpoint! Utahraptor: Have you considered reading multiple sources, and then synthesizing your own viewpoint? Utahraptor: You are reading about polygamy, after all. Utahraptor: You know, "more than one partner"... "more than one book"... Utahraptor: Polygamy! T-Rex: Polygamous READING? What's next? T-Rex: Eh? T-Rex (punchline): "What's next?"

it's true, he's not married to it

T-Rex: I've discovered something exciting! T-Rex: Writing free-form poetry is easy, if you just write whatever pops into your head! T-Rex: Observe! T-Rex: radiantbox T-Rex: [the first word is written such that the letters form a '\' shape, the other words are raising in a '/' shape] falling up to heaven T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: That was awful poetry! T-Rex: It was awesome! Utahraptor: All you've done is throw some stupid words in a stupid framework! It's stupid! Utahraptor: Rrr! Just thinking about how bad that poem was is making me angry! Utahraptor: That poem was so BAD! Off panel: How could you make something so crappy?! T-Rex (punchline): Okay! It was just a poem! I'm not married to it!

this is more 'educational' than 'funny'

Narrator: RECIPE COMICS Narrator: today's recipe: Narrator: CHICK PEAS IN COCONUT MILK Narrator: CUT AND SAVE! T-Rex: Tonight is a good night I think for having Chick Peas in Coconut Milk for dinner! T-Rex: I believe I will combine in a saucepan 2 cups of canned chick-peas, drained; 1 tomato, chopped; 4 whole cloves; 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced; and 1 1/2 cups coconut milk! Dromiceiomimus: But aren't you forgetting about 1 1/2 teaspoons of turmeric and about a half a teaspoon of salt? T-Rex: Indeed I am! The turmeric gives the dish its distinctive yellow colour. Utahraptor: Then you bring it all to a boil, reduce heat and let it simmer for 20 minutes! T-Rex: How did you know? Utahraptor: I make this dish all the time! It's great when served over rice, and feeds 2-3 people! T-Rex: It does indeed, old friend! Utahraptor: Any final comments, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Only that if you want the food to be less watery, let it simmer longer - for up to 30 minutes!

nope! it's SOCIETY!

T-Rex: I think it's time for me to get out and meet some fine new ladies! T-Rex: Fine new SEXY ladies! T-Rex: Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! T-Rex: I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! T-Rex: I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things! Utahraptor: You can't honestly expect to get results by walking around shouting for "fine new sexy ladies"! T-Rex: Says you! If a woman was walking around shouting for fine new sexy dudes, she'd be chased by men from all over! Utahraptor: Hmm... that's true. Utahraptor: Alright, continue shouting! I wouldn't want to support a sexual DOUBLE STANDARD. Narrator: HOURS LATER... T-Rex: I don't get it! Why isn't this working?! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Is it me?

MUCH LATER: 'I shall become a bat!'

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: BATMAN T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content! T-Rex: I may be a bit idle, a bit unfocused, but at least I haven't had a night where all sense left my life! That's for darn sure! T-Rex: Incidentally, criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot! Utahraptor: Want to go to the cinema, son? "The Mark of Zorro" is playing! T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: Can you get mom to wear her pearl necklace? Utahraptor: The one that symbolizes our family: each precious family member connected to the other? The necklace which, if one pearl is removed, is shattered forever? Utahraptor: Sure, I don't see why not! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): My parents!

he's always looking out for c.k.

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: SUPERMAN T-Rex: I am the last son of the doomed planet of Krypton! T-Rex: Found, adopted, and raised by the kindly Kent couple, who could not have a child of their own, I was taught about Truth, Justice, and the American Way! T-Rex: As I grew, I found I could run faster than a speeding bullet! I was more powerful than a locomotive! I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (as so)! T-Rex: In times of trouble, I am there, as SUPERMAN! Utahraptor: Clark?! T-Rex: No, I'm Superman! Clark Kent and I are two different people! Utahraptor: Oh - ha ha! For a second there you looked like him, only without the glasses! T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, I'll tell him you said "hi"!

from deep philosophical questions to jokes about funnybooks in 200 installments

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: GREEN LANTERN T-Rex: "Green Lantern"?! T-Rex: I'll be honest, I haven't read any Green Lantern comics. He's got that power ring right? And he can make giant green fists with it? T-Rex: And robot suits? T-Rex: Can he make robot suits sometimes? T-Rex: Anyway, um - one day Green Lantern found a power ring! Utahraptor: It doesn't work on yellow, right? T-Rex: Yeah! Yeah, that's right! It doesn't work on yellow. Utahraptor: That's pretty weak. T-Rex: No argument here. Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN T-Rex (punchline): One day Green Lantern found a power ring and used it to fight crime that wasn't yellow!

the best part of etymologies is that usually nobody really knows, so the best story wins!

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: THE PHRASE "BALLS TO THE WALL" T-Rex: Many people assume the origin of this phrase has to do with testicles! T-Rex: In fact, it's quite the opposite. The phrase originated with pilots of fighter planes! T-Rex: The "balls" in question referred to the knobs on top of the plane's throttle control. When the throttle was at full, the "balls" would be "to the wall" of the cockpit! T-Rex: And that's the origin of the phrase "balls to the wall". Utahraptor: You are incorrect! The phrase comes from olde-fashioned steam-powered trains! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: It's true! Basically, the engines had two weighted balls, attached to a vertical shaft that was connected to the engine. As the engine speed increased, these two balls would be raised higher because of centrifugal force! At top speed, they would be parallel to the ground, nearly touching the "walls" of the shaft! T-Rex: Hence, "balls to the wall"! Man! T-Rex (punchline): That's sweet!

where did that come from?

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: YOUR SENSE OF DISENCHANTMENT T-Rex: Your sense of disenchantment comes from a realization that the world is not as you believed! T-Rex: People lie and get away with it. Murders go unsolved! There are people who only interact with you because they think it might be profitable for them. T-Rex: You were raised on fairy tales, where there were no moral grey areas, where good and bad were clear, where there was never any real doubt over which side would win in the end! T-Rex: Each lurid death reported in the paper makes you a little more cynical: a little more dead inside. Utahraptor: Wait! Utahraptor: What if this sense of disenchantment came not from a flawed world, but rather a growing realization that they themselves are flawed? Nothing's more depressing than realizing that you can't live up to your own hopes, that you'll never live out your dreams, that you probably let those you care about down, everyday! T-Rex: Holy! T-Rex (punchline): Why don't you tell me what you really think?

they could talk about their feelings

T-Rex: I had the strangest dream last night... T-Rex: It was crazy! T-Rex: Or at least, I think it was crazy. I don't remember much of the dream: all I remember is waking up and thinking "Wow, what a crazy dream!" T-Rex: I wonder what could have happened? T-Rex: Oh well! Utahraptor: That's it? That's all you have to say? T-Rex: What? It's all I remember! Utahraptor: Well, there's not really much for us to talk about, is there? You had a dream that may have been crazy, but you don't remember it. Utahraptor: Whoo! Let's get this conversation started! T-Rex: Well, what are YOU doing here, if we have nothing to talk about? T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, that's what I thought!

they're just standing around then WHOOPS

T-Rex: "Garden path" sentences are those that trick you into thinking that they will mean one thing, but then as you read more of the sentence, that meaning is shown to be false! T-Rex: For instance: "The horse raced past the barn fell"! Dromiceiomimus: Why, that sentence is senseless! T-Rex: Aha, my friend, so it would seem! But it actually refers to a horse, which at some point in the past was raced past a barn, and now that same horse has fallen over! Utahraptor: That sentence is stupid! T-Rex: What are you saying? Utahraptor: What I'm SAYING is that nobody would ever say that. They'd say, "The horse that I raced past the barn has now fallen over"! T-Rex: Well, they could, but they could ALSO say my sentence! Utahraptor: Only if they were incurably insane! Do horses even fall over? T-Rex: Sure man, all the time! T-Rex (punchline): Farmers call them nature's dominoes!

alternate punchlines: 'oh well!', 'interesting!', 'i'm high right now!'

Narrator: HAPPINESS COMICS T-Rex: Many philosophical systems seem predicated on increasing happiness, either for yourself, or more globally! T-Rex: I wonder, is happiness such a valid goal? T-Rex: Furthermore, if I had a machine that I could press a button on, and it would make me happy - perfectly content, indistinguishable from the real emotion - would I do anything but press that button all day long? T-Rex: It's hard to say! Utahraptor: Aren't you describing an addiction to drugs? Something that makes you artifically happy? T-Rex: um T-Rex: Yeah, I guess you could see it that way. Utahraptor: I guess. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Hmm!

it's the 'but also' that gets you

Narrator: COMICS Narrator: IN WHICH A POINT IS EFFECTIVELY PROVEN BY ANALOGY Narrator: BUT ALSO Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE READER LACKS SUFFICIENT CONTEXT BY WHICH TO MAKE THE POINT CLEAR TO HIS OR HER SELF. Utahraptor: Well look at it this way, T-Rex! What's more important in a song: the words or the music? T-Rex: Um - well, they're both important. It's not a song without music, but for most songs, the words are important too. Utahraptor: See my point? T-Rex: [small] hmm... T-Rex (punchline): Oh yeah!

there's that punchline

T-Rex: Suddenly I feel as if my future is full of new choices, new directions! T-Rex: My choices are mine to decide! T-Rex: But yet, I feel troubled. If I make some change in my life, what of those I leave behind? T-Rex: I am happy here, but I know I won't be happy if I stay here forever. Leaving becomes a bitter-sweet necessity. T-Rex: If only there were some way that I could come back to now... some way I could save this world to peek in once in a while. Utahraptor: Why so glum? T-Rex: I was just thinking how, if I were to leave, that would change many things. Utahraptor: Nostalgia for the present? T-Rex: Yeah, I guess so. Utahraptor: I'd be careful with that, T-Rex... nostalgia can be a powerful drug! T-Rex (punchline): I'm high right now!

this House resolves that pirates with sufficiently awesome ships are great

T-Rex: I wonder, what's the best thing that could happen to me today? T-Rex: Maybe I could win the lottery! T-Rex: Or maybe when I stomp on this house, it will crack open to reveal treasure! Gold doubloons! T-Rex: PIRATE'S doubloons! Utahraptor: How come all your fantasies involve you becoming fantastically rich? T-Rex: Not true! T-Rex: My fantasies also involved pirates. Utahraptor: You know, pirates weren't the romantic figures you think they were. They raped, murdered, and ruined lives! Just because they had (admittedly) awesome ships doesn't make them good role models! T-Rex (punchline): Debateable!

awww

Narrator: PERSONAL REVELATION COMICS T-Rex: Forget it! I'm sick of everybody acting like they know what's best for me! T-Rex: From now on, I'm doing what I feel like, when I feel like doing it! T-Rex: And today, I feel like stomping on a house full of people I don't know, and then I think I feel like finding a loose woman and running off to some tropical country without an extradition treaty, where I will set up a home where we can live comfortably, and then I'll have sex with this woman! T-Rex: So there! Utahraptor: How can you act like this?! T-Rex: What are you talking about? Utahraptor: Well, it just seems that this kind of activity isn't how your parents raised you to behave! Utahraptor: What would your father say? T-Rex: I never - T-Rex (punchline): I never knew my father!

shakespeare punchlines comics

T-Rex: I have thought of the perfect prank to play on the Utahraptor! I will confide in him personal stories about my youth... T-Rex: ... stories that, it turns out, are false! T-Rex: That way, years down the road, if he ever chances to mention one of these stories, I will be able to say, "Got you!" T-Rex: He'll say, "What?", obviously confused since my prank was years in the making. But once I explain that I was in fact LYING to him when he thought he had my trust, he will laugh heartily and concede that I did indeed "get him"! Utahraptor: Hi, T-Rex! Do you have any personal stories of your youth you'd like to confide in me? T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: These wouldn't happen to be FAKE stories, would they? T-Rex: um Utahraptor: T-Rex! Were you going to tell me fake stories? Utahraptor: You were! T-Rex (punchline): Hoisted by my own petard!

holy i'd watch out if i were Michael R. Sandy, professor of geology at the University of Dayton!

T-Rex: Brrr... it's getting cold out! T-Rex: This means that winter is coming! T-Rex: Luckily, as a warm-blooded being, this cold weather means little to me! Utahraptor: That's a matter of some debate! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yes, some would argue that you are in fact a cold-blooded being! T-Rex: Who'd say that? Utahraptor: Um - you know... people! T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: Just this guy I know, alright? T-Rex (punchline): I'll kick his ass!

it is an open question among the awesome dudes of the day

T-Rex: I have been thinking, and I have come to the conclusion that it would be pretty sweet to be called as a witness in some sort of murder trial! T-Rex: Pretty sweet indeed, my friends! Pretty sweet indeed! Dromiceiomimus: Why do you think it would be so great to be called as a witness in a murder trial? Do you want to have witnessed a murder? T-Rex: Not hardly! But I do want to be able to testify, under oath, that I, T-Rex, am an AWESOME DUDE. It will go in the official court record! It will probably be reported in the papers! Utahraptor: Yeah, it will probably cause a mistrial! T-Rex: What? No! Utahraptor: Yes! They'll say, "Objection! Witness is causing a mistrial!" T-Rex: No they won't! Utahraptor: "Additionally, witness is clearly not an awesome dude, as awesome dudes need not point out their own awesomeness!" T-Rex: But wouldn't it be SO AWESOME to discuss your own awesomeness in open court, that it would be a special case? T-Rex (punchline): I would argue, "yes"!

THIS should have been called 'depression comics'

Narrator: OBJECTIVISM COMICS T-Rex: Everyone (including me) is an end in himself: not a means to an end for others! T-Rex: This means that I should exist for my own sake, neither sacrificing myself to others, nor sacrificing others to myself! The pursuit of my own rational self-interest, and happiness, is the highest moral purpose of my life! T-Rex: If I must deal with others, it should be as TRADERS, in a pure capitalist system. No charity! No sympathy! Just business, an exchange of value for value. Utahraptor: But where does love fit into this system of Objectivism, T-Rex? T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: Well if everything is viewed as a business arrangement between traders without charity, then how can you have love? Love is selfless. T-Rex: Nope! Love is selfISH. You see value in someone, and they see value in you! You want access to this value, so you arrange a spiritual exchange. T-Rex (punchline): Hey, that rhymes!

all we can do now is lick our wounds and OH GEEZ

T-Rex: There are a lot of problems in the world! Someone ought to do something. T-Rex: Wait a second! T-Rex: I'M someone!! T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, I'M going to do something about all the problems. Dromiceiomimus: Great attitude, T-Rex! And I'm sure people already working on problems will appreciate the help. Which problem(s) are you going to focus on? T-Rex: Uh... all of them? Utahraptor: Might help to focus on one or two of them. T-Rex: Of COURSE! Utahraptor - that's IT! T-Rex: There's BILLIONS of people alive right now, and surely - SURELY - there's not actually BILLIONS of problems. If everyone take one problem each and solve it, then it won't be a lick of work! And then we could have this licked lickety-split! Off panel: Great, I'll take solving the problem of world hunger! T-Rex: And I'll take our sudden overuse of lick-based idioms! It doesn't make a lick of sense, but I'm sure I can lick it into shape! T-Rex (punchline): OH NO, IT'S GETTING WORSE

because otherwise, he would have done it

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "THE MIDDLE GROUND" T-Rex: This fallacy is when you assume that since a position is between two extremes, it must be right! T-Rex: It seems to occur because often, this IS the case. For instance, eating a moderate amount of food is better than eating to excess, or eating not at all. T-Rex: However, just because a case is between two extremes does not make it automatically correct! It must be JUSTIFIED. Utahraptor: Well, what's an example where the middle ground is not correct? T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: Say you think I should go on a trip around the world, while I assure you that I can't afford it and that I should stay home. From that, we would conclude that I should go on a trip exactly half-way around the world, where I'd probably run out of money and get stuck! Utahraptor: Sounds good to me! T-Rex (punchline): Luckily, we have arrived to that conclusion via a fallacy and so I will be making no such trip!

those would be a damn creepy letters to get!

T-Rex: I was asked by a friend of mine how he could tell his sweetheart that he loves her in a new, exciting way! He's worried that he's said the same old thing too often, and that it's getting stale. T-Rex: I assured him that there are infinitely-many ways to say "I love you"! T-Rex: For instance, you could say "I love you", but you could also say "I really love you"! Or, for that matter: "I really really love you"! T-Rex: Therefore, since you can have an arbitrary number of 'really's, there are an infinite number of ways to say "I love you". Utahraptor: That's not very helpful, is it? You're just adding the same adverb over and over again! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: So, no woman would sit around while you said "really really really really" for two hours. Anyway, after the third 'really' you move from "emphatic" to "damn creepy"! T-Rex: Well that explains why that woman at the supermarket never replied to my letters! T-Rex (punchline): Also they were anonymous!

c'mon, don't tell me you didn't see it!

T-Rex: Last night it occured to me that an evening at the theatre would be a delightful distraction! T-Rex: However, when I arrived, they were out of tickets! Narrator: "THE STORY OF MY LIFE" T-Rex: It's the story of my life! Dromiceiomimus: What does that mean, "story of my life"? T-Rex: It means that that one incident is indicative of a larger trend in my life. Utahraptor: What larger trend are you possibly talking about? The trend of theatres being full? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: But in a METAPHORICAL sense. Utahraptor: A metaphorical sense. What metaphor would that be, exactly? T-Rex: You know! Theatres! Full! No tickets! Utahraptor: I'm sorry, T-Rex, I really don't follow. T-Rex (punchline): You were THERE!

that's not even the real title of the book: the real title goes on for eleven more words. alternate alt-text: 'have fun trying to guess which page!'

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "ONE PAGE FROM 'ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES' BY CHARLES DARWIN" T-Rex: Any variation which is not inherited is unimportant for us. T-Rex: But the number and diversity of inheritable deviations of structure, both those of slight and those of considerable physiological importance, is endless. Dr. Prosper Lucas's treatise, in two large volumes, is the fullest and the best on this subject. Utahraptor: No breeder doubts how strong is the tendency to inheritance: like produces like is his fundamental belief. Utahraptor: Doubts have been thrown on this principle by theoretical writers alone. T-Rex: When a deviation appears not unfrequently, and we see it in the father and child, we cannot tell whether it may not be due to the same original cause acting on T-Rex (punchline): both; but when amongst individuals, apparently exposed to the same conditions, any very rare deviation, due to some extraordinary combination of circumstances, appears in the parent--say, once amongst several million individuals--and it reappears in the child, the mere doctrine of chances almost compels us to a-

it's just plain not a sandwich!

T-Rex: I think it would be nice if I gave presents to people, once a year! Furthermore, it would be nice if I did this on a set day. T-Rex: I will call this day "Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex"! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you know that Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex, is coming up? Dromiceiomimus: How can Dinosaur PRESENT day be coming up? T-Rex: Ho ho ho, I get it. No, "present" as in the gift! Dromiceiomimus: Ha ha ha! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: You're going to be giving out presents, T-Rex? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: Awesome! What am I getting? T-Rex: It's a surprise! Utahraptor: Is it a... DOG? T-Rex: No. Utahraptor: Is it a... SANDWICH? T-Rex (punchline): No!

'i will do this using capitalism' would look pretty good on a t-shirt

T-Rex: I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! T-Rex: Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, if you could have anything in the whole world, what would you want? Dromiceiomimus: Peace and love and joy and hope and truth and beauty. T-Rex: Really? Hmm... Utahraptor: What's the matter, T-Rex? You seem preoccupied. T-Rex: I am! T-Rex: I'm worried that my Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex, has become too commercial! We've forgotten about the true spirit of the day. Utahraptor: How can a one-day-old holiday have a true spirit? T-Rex (punchline): That's the magic of Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex!

perhaps, everybody's motivation behind christmas?

T-Rex: I've decided that despite the commercialism of the season, I will still be giving out presents to all my friends! T-Rex: However, I will achieve this by sneaking into their houses and leaving the presents there! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I think you should examine your house carefully tomorrow morning! Dromiceiomimus: Why's that? T-Rex: I have a hunch you might find some surprises there, is all! Utahraptor: We'll still know it's you who put the presents there, T-Rex! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: So, if it's not the anonymity you want, why are you going to all the trouble to sneak into our houses? T-Rex: It's no trouble! T-Rex: I just like the excitement of giving people presents! T-Rex (punchline): It makes me feel kind of sexy, you know?

is it classy to give a painting of yourself as a gift?

T-Rex: Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex, has been a complete success! T-Rex: People even gave ME presents! It was awesome! T-Rex: Thank you so much for the little gloves, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Well thank YOU for the chocolates, T-Rex! They were very nice. T-Rex: Nice chocolates for a nice lady! Utahraptor: This holiday of yours seems to have spread a lot of goodwill! T-Rex: Indeed! Utahraptor: Wouldn't it be great if EVERY day could be Dinosaur Present Day? T-Rex: Featuring T-Rex? That would be a lot of presents! Utahraptor: Speaking of which: thanks for the portrait! It's a very good likeness. T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex (punchline): I'm giving a "thumbs up"!

sometimes i imagine he and mom fight about me at night

T-Rex: Today I am excited! Today I did not forget my dentist appointment! T-Rex: Today I will be the one to impress my dentist with my personal oral hygiene! T-Rex: I spent an hour this morning making sure that my teeth were sparkly clean. I practiced in the mirror saying "Of course I floss after every meal", "Of course, Doctor! I floss after every meal", and "Floss after every meal? Of course!" T-Rex: I practiced until I got it RIGHT. Utahraptor: Well, do you floss after every meal? T-Rex: Not hardly! T-Rex: But every time I go he asks, and every time I feel like I let him down - personally, you know? Like he has twenty kids and I'm the only one who doesn't floss and he doesn't know why. Utahraptor: That's very sad. T-Rex (punchline): It gets sadder! Sometimes I imagine he's bought books on how to get your kid to floss, and he's tried everything the books say but still, I don't floss - and he's started to wonder if there is something wrong with HIM. Has he failed me as a dentist? As a FATHER? Where did it all go wrong?

you heard me! everybody dies!

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER IS TIRED OF PUNS AND SO EVERYBODY DIES T-Rex: I wonder what the longest word in the dictionary is! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you know what the longest word in the dictionary is? Dromiceiomimus: Hmm... is this a riddle? Is the answer "longest"? T-Rex: Ha ha, no, this isn't a riddle. It's a real question I'm investigating! Utahraptor: Ooh! T-Rex! I know the longest word in the dictionary! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: "Smiles"! T-Rex: "Smiles". Utahraptor: Because there's a "mile" between the first and last letters! T-Rex: That's it! T-Rex (punchline): Everybody dies!

i take it back, puns are awesome

Narrator: THE HISTORY TEACHER T-Rex: Many hundreds of years ago, things were done in different ways! T-Rex: Many things were more primitive. All of the modern conveniences you take for granted did not exist! T-Rex: People died at a younger age. T-Rex: Travel was harder and took much longer! Utahraptor: T-Rex, your history lesson has no value! T-Rex: Why would you say that? Utahraptor: Because you're not giving any real information, just general trends! Utahraptor: I'm sorry, but I don't think you'll make a very good history teacher. T-Rex: Then I guess my career as an educator is... T-Rex (punchline): ...history?

i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

Narrator: NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS T-Rex: New Year's Resolutions are used to make changes in your life! T-Rex: Classically, one would make private resolutions and endeavour to carry these out over the new, unblemished year. However, this tradition has changed over time! T-Rex: People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resolutions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions! Utahraptor: Hey, that sounds like a great idea, T-Rex! Let's make resolutions for each other! T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Weren't you listening? This will only lead to conflict! Utahraptor: No, it'll be great! Do me first. T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: Come on! Utahraptor: I've got one for you! T-Rex: Y-you have one prepared? T-Rex (punchline): You jerk! You brought a list!