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Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents? He couldn't Ctrl+P

What did the milk say after it got beat? ...It's butter this way

I love Mondays... It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.

Haters are like crickets You can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.

Q: Why must judges learn to spell well? A: They must follow the letter of the law.

They say it takes talent to keep making movies after 50 Apparently they haven't said this to Steven Seagal

I love people who can make me laugh, when I don't even want to smile.

I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.

She said I have a face only a mother could love. I said ""that's not very nice, mom.""

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

If the British had won, today we'd all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

Customer: ""Wait that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.""

What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg? An abortion with home sickness.

WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?! Want to Hear a Joke? My Life :)

1st man: ""My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"" 2nd man: ""Did they wake you?"" 1st man: ""Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes.""

bad ""it's so hot...."" one-liners Two that I came up with... It's so hot that Stryper sang ""To Today With the Devil"" It's so hot that Karen Carpenter ate an ice cream sandwich. your turn!

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Why did the Mexican food go to counseling? He wanted to taco bout his problems

How does the female reproductive system like to order its eggs? Ovaries-y

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats. I'm so sorry.

Orange is the new black Is what a Trump says after fucking a Kardashian.

My tribal name is sleeps in the river... I was a bed-wetter

Are you the new English teacher? Yes I are.

I got a new job circumcizing elephants The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous

Joke for any location... I was at a ""place of religion or race"" the other day going through some magazines... ... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed.

I got banned from /r/ELI5 the other day I don't understand why

What did the 0 say to the 8? ""Nice fuckin' belt.""

So an elephant and a naked man are talking, you know how that goes... and the elephant says to the naked man. ""Its cute but can you really breathe through it?""

Still in love with various hypothetical women.

I drink to forget... my alcoholism.

My friend has a job coming up with bathroom humor He just writes a lot of shitty puns.

I've never met an exam I've liked... They've all been too testy for me.

I'm American and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world... Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I'm kinda terrified for 2015 2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8. The EXACT number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 6 more nipples!

What's the difference between a moan and a scream? About 3 inches

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? Nun

Did you hear that the saucepan beat the pot in a wrestling match? It was a real boil over.

I'm against plastic surgery, but it's also horrifying what people are supposed to really look like.

If Ekans is Snake backwards and Abroc is Cobra backwards... What does that say for Muk?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

I bet cats are sad that they don't have a middle finger.

What is the best part of a Jonestown joke? The punchline

It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

Usain Bolt's net worth is $60 million. How did he get so rich? By saving the gas money!

My New Year's resolutions: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

Man On Bus Asked Me, ""Why Looking So Crabby This Morning?"" I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press

I started a band called 999 megabytes 6 months ago. We still haven't got a single gig.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 and 9 died a horrible and tragic death, and 7 is the prime suspect.

*Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*

What do you call a Mexican that's lost his car? Carlos

What kind of bread always goes wrong? A rye

Two Heads God gifted man with two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

When I said I respect our boys in blue I meant the blue man group

Three guys walk in to a bar... One ducks

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.

I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.

boys love mysterious girls so don't be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar

Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't.

Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white

Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today. I just turned the other chin.

How do you find the vegan on tumblr they find you

You had me at cello.

I tried to grab some fog. I mist.

After spending twenty minutes making up outrageous symptoms, WebMD diagnosed me immature, and an asshole.

""My bad"" and ""I'm sorry"" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral.

Excuse me sir, where do you keep the ""Whoomp""? Oh, there it is.

TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich. Oops wrong sub.

Yo mama is so fat...that she broke a branch in her family tree!

I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a bigger hard drive.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon. I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.

Why doesn't George RR Martin use twitter? Because he killed all 144 characters -stolen from /r/gameofthrones

My son fell of the couch and said ""I broke my butt!"" So I said ""I get some super glue to fix it."" He said ""ya but it already had a Crack in it!""

Guy paying for condoms at Walgreens got asked if he needed a bag He said back to cashier, ""Nah, her face ain't that bad.""

In university I was going to join the Debate Team, but someone talked me out of it.

Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ""funny uncle"" in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

Hey girl, are you an orphanage? Because I want to give you kids.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Wurlitzer and a photocopier? A: A reproductive organ.

The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

People will hate you, rate you, break you, and shake you. How strong you stand is what makes you.("",)

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they were veloco*raptured*.

I told a very average joke in the cheese aisle today. The crowd went mild.

10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February

A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.

Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you're a part of something?

Why was the feminist picnic cancelled? because nobody made sandwiches

Why was the sprout farmer so assertive? He was an alfalfa male.

""Do you know why I pulled you over?"" *sighs* ""Because I'm a sweater"" ""BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that's weird but no. Tail light's out.""

What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other.

""You are what you eat""? I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.

Evolution: True science fiction.

What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)

I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen? Just Juan.

Wanna know the difference between a man and a matgarita? A margarita hits the spot every time.

""Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo"" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.