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18,347 | Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents? He couldn't Ctrl+P
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80,495 | What did the milk say after it got beat? ...It's butter this way
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173,209 | I love Mondays... It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.
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50,696 | Haters are like crickets You can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.
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184,730 | Q: Why must judges learn to spell well? A: They must follow the letter of the law.
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184,769 | They say it takes talent to keep making movies after 50 Apparently they haven't said this to Steven Seagal
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158,868 | I love people who can make me laugh, when I don't even want to smile.
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217,490 | I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.
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62,061 | She said I have a face only a mother could love. I said ""that's not very nice, mom.""
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194,314 | If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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71,126 | If the British had won, today we'd all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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189,489 | Customer: ""Wait that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.""
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62,556 | What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg? An abortion with home sickness.
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107,663 | WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?! Want to Hear a Joke? My Life :)
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61,586 | 1st man: ""My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"" 2nd man: ""Did they wake you?"" 1st man: ""Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes.""
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14,219 | bad ""it's so hot...."" one-liners Two that I came up with... It's so hot that Stryper sang ""To Today With the Devil"" It's so hot that Karen Carpenter ate an ice cream sandwich. your turn!
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125,555 | I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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99,680 | Why did the Mexican food go to counseling? He wanted to taco bout his problems
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131,500 | How does the female reproductive system like to order its eggs? Ovaries-y
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77,257 | They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats. I'm so sorry.
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192,357 | Orange is the new black Is what a Trump says after fucking a Kardashian.
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190,913 | My tribal name is sleeps in the river... I was a bed-wetter
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157,861 | Are you the new English teacher? Yes I are.
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108,699 | I got a new job circumcizing elephants The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous
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80,721 | Joke for any location... I was at a ""place of religion or race"" the other day going through some magazines... ... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed.
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229,930 | I got banned from /r/ELI5 the other day I don't understand why
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171,361 | What did the 0 say to the 8? ""Nice fuckin' belt.""
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171,934 | So an elephant and a naked man are talking, you know how that goes... and the elephant says to the naked man. ""Its cute but can you really breathe through it?""
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54,997 | Still in love with various hypothetical women.
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193,975 | I drink to forget... my alcoholism.
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205,338 | My friend has a job coming up with bathroom humor He just writes a lot of shitty puns.
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22,818 | I've never met an exam I've liked... They've all been too testy for me.
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51,761 | I'm American and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world... Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
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65,940 | I'm kinda terrified for 2015 2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8. The EXACT number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 6 more nipples!
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189,940 | What's the difference between a moan and a scream? About 3 inches
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162,640 | What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? Nun
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71,585 | Did you hear that the saucepan beat the pot in a wrestling match? It was a real boil over.
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47,999 | I'm against plastic surgery, but it's also horrifying what people are supposed to really look like.
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227,667 | If Ekans is Snake backwards and Abroc is Cobra backwards... What does that say for Muk?
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175,210 | Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
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14,599 | I bet cats are sad that they don't have a middle finger.
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27,704 | What is the best part of a Jonestown joke? The punchline
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83,887 | It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
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223,215 | Usain Bolt's net worth is $60 million. How did he get so rich? By saving the gas money!
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79,949 | My New Year's resolutions: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
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31,105 | Man On Bus Asked Me, ""Why Looking So Crabby This Morning?"" I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...
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228,334 | Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
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153,124 | I started a band called 999 megabytes 6 months ago. We still haven't got a single gig.
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175,154 | Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 and 9 died a horrible and tragic death, and 7 is the prime suspect.
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128,948 | *Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*
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12,059 | What do you call a Mexican that's lost his car? Carlos
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35,849 | What kind of bread always goes wrong? A rye
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7,813 | Two Heads God gifted man with two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
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69,022 | When I said I respect our boys in blue I meant the blue man group
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143,124 | Three guys walk in to a bar... One ducks
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117,104 | I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.
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122,118 | I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.
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148,450 | boys love mysterious girls so don't be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
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135,447 | Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't.
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3,236 | Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
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76,487 | Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today. I just turned the other chin.
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215,688 | How do you find the vegan on tumblr they find you
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156,736 | You had me at cello.
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150,743 | I tried to grab some fog. I mist.
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91,586 | After spending twenty minutes making up outrageous symptoms, WebMD diagnosed me immature, and an asshole.
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142,933 | ""My bad"" and ""I'm sorry"" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral.
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19,791 | Excuse me sir, where do you keep the ""Whoomp""? Oh, there it is.
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46,847 | TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich. Oops wrong sub.
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155,802 | Yo mama is so fat...that she broke a branch in her family tree!
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221,685 | I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a bigger hard drive.
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63,072 | My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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224,019 | I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon. I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.
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200,758 | Why doesn't George RR Martin use twitter? Because he killed all 144 characters -stolen from /r/gameofthrones
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94,509 | My son fell of the couch and said ""I broke my butt!"" So I said ""I get some super glue to fix it."" He said ""ya but it already had a Crack in it!""
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159,831 | Guy paying for condoms at Walgreens got asked if he needed a bag He said back to cashier, ""Nah, her face ain't that bad.""
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209,589 | In university I was going to join the Debate Team, but someone talked me out of it.
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157,494 | Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ""funny uncle"" in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???
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72,327 | Hey girl, are you an orphanage? Because I want to give you kids.
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140,470 | Q: What do you get when you cross a Wurlitzer and a photocopier? A: A reproductive organ.
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42,849 | The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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177,188 | People will hate you, rate you, break you, and shake you. How strong you stand is what makes you.("",)
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3,680 | You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
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191,318 | Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they were veloco*raptured*.
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89,230 | I told a very average joke in the cheese aisle today. The crowd went mild.
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117,658 | 10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February
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89,145 | A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.
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172,502 | Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you're a part of something?
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203,004 | Why was the feminist picnic cancelled? because nobody made sandwiches
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38,466 | Why was the sprout farmer so assertive? He was an alfalfa male.
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13,131 | ""Do you know why I pulled you over?"" *sighs* ""Because I'm a sweater"" ""BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that's weird but no. Tail light's out.""
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206,375 | What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other.
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43,586 | ""You are what you eat""? I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.
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231,372 | Evolution: True science fiction.
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122,754 | What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)
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54,955 | I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
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171,147 | My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun.
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79,497 | Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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183,751 | How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen? Just Juan.
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46,914 | Wanna know the difference between a man and a matgarita? A margarita hits the spot every time.
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106,983 | ""Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo"" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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