Datasets:

myothiha

/

jokes

like 1

Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

I wish I could hang out with Gwen Stefani. We would discuss which shit is/isn't bananas.

Your mother is like a brick Flat on both sides and laid by mexicans

I finally learned to masturbate without hands! Now I use only one.

What did the frog say when he was asked how he knew so much about the new lili pad. Reddit

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? DUUUUUuU^nnnnnnnggggg^nnnnggg^nnnggg^nnnggg

The Constitution of Japan Article 3. The advice and approval of the Cabinet shall be required for all acts of the Emperor in matters of state,and the Cabinet shall be responsible therefor.

If Pingu started a metal band... It would be called Slipnoot

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer... But I don't think they were laced because I've been tripping all day.

A man with no arms and no legs is standing at the bus stop... The bus driver pulls up and and says ""alright mate, how you getting on?""

You'd be shocked at how easy it is to walk into a nursing home and draw mustaches on the dementia patents

I just fake-went-to-the-bathroom to avoid someone. He followed me in. I don't think the pee noises I'm making with my mouth are working.

So a guy comes into my bar for a beer... I give it to him and he says, ""Hey! There's a fly in this!"" Embarrassed I look and say, ""Oh no, that's just Gnatty Lite.""

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot? A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

I went to the dentist today... He said I wasn't wiping enough and that I have an anal cavity.

is this your first day on the internet? men are men, women are men, and children are cops...

[job interview] ""What would you say is your greatest strength? I'm pretty humble. Actually, I'm incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Doctor: ""I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"" Nurse: ""B positive."" Doctor: ""Okay. I don't think this patient is dying.""

Why couldn't the expert fisherman get any dates? Because he said he was a master baiter.

How can you tell if someone with parkinsons has hypothermia? You can't. That's what makes it so funny.

What brand of Vacuum Cleaner does Snoop Dogg use? Bissell

What do you call a Muslim with a kebab? A kaBOMB...*hah*

Why was the African man wearing a wristwatch? He needed to hold up his pants.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggy

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him. His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders... When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

I just poured my coffee with my left hand so it would feel like someone else was doing it.

What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

I just realized... I've been on reddit ALL FUCKING YEAR!

What did the Eskimo lady ask her husband when they were having sex? Are you even Inuit?

I'm glad i know sign language It's pretty handy

A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.

A local radio station was finishing up a competition and the woman said she was ""racking up the tally"" I guess that makes her a **tallyracker**.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

When my kids get too loud in our minivan I simply race over the nearest speedbump to make them bite their tongues.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate. We all had a good laugh. Then I made her move out.

I'm starting to think my Girlfriend doesn't like me anymore. Last time we talked on the phone.. she told me she had to go cause there was a telemarketer on the other line

What does an Indian man get when he works out? Sikh gains. I made this up too! Although this joke has probably been said before

Electrical engeneer An electrical engeneer had a strong shocking force, so strong that he thought he should lower it. He started to meditate jokingly and he said ""ohms"".

Why was the redditor banned? Voat manipulation.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is ""great"" and ""awesome.""

Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck? Because he put in a little extra clovertime.

I'd slap you but I'm pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does.

Do you know the story of a penguin that breathed with his ass? It sat down and died.

cops should have two guns to get rid of crime faster . cops should be dual wielding by 2016

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? ARRRby's

I've been digging through piles of fossils all day. No Homo.

What does a hiker love to listen to? A trail mix!

What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Germany? Schiznitzel.

Conspiracy theorists, I hope you're right... I hope the illuminati run this country, they seem like a safe bet

What's the best time of the day? 6:30... *hands down*

Going to see the new batman tonight, heard it got killer reviews.

You know what they say If the water slide is broken, the log ride's still open!

How does a one liner hurt its readers? With its punchline

I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.

What did the /r/science mod say to the user? [removed]

i went to a wedding for two antennae The ceremony was pretty bad, but the reception was amazing

Wanna hear a joke about the OP that actually delivered?

There's two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness? Will Feral. Edit: I tried

What did the x-axis say to the y-axis? This is my domain

Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre-khaaaaannnnn!!!!!

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had.. Does money even matter ?

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza? british guy: tea british waiter: jolly good choice [both laugh britishingly]

Why is it a bad idea for China to become a democracy? Do you know how hard it would be to orchestrate a national erection

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.

Have you ever tried Nicaraguan food? They haven't.

The man entered his home... and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in the house.

How do you get a job with Apple? Be born in China.

What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper? They both slowly remove clogs. ^^They're ^^also ^^both ^^in ^^a ^^barrel ^^in ^^my ^^garage.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

Imagine how much self-control the people who make bubble wrap must have.

Why do men, on average, die before women? Because they want to.

What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink? A ""casual tea""

8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-criminals first pick at the bootleg weapons? Shivalry.

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.

I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl... ...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

So I found out about this huge magnet near my house. It's called a Walmart and it pulls all the fat people in my town close to it.

World population will soon pass 7 billion, over twice the people of just 50 years ago, and I can still only find about 3 that I can stand.

So a Jewish boy walks up to his father... a Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for $5. His father responds: ""$4? What do you need $3 for? Here's $2, split it with your brother.""

I was told I needed to do some soul searching... so I Googled James Brown.

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk ? An udder failure !

Why couldn't the band director pick a piece in 4/4 time? It's too common

Why does no one own an Xbox in Pennsylvania? Because it's always Sony in Philadelphia!

my wife wouldn't let me wear my pajama jeans to her awards luncheon thing because you can ""see my balls through them"" smh

Reddit Servers. Thanks, O Admins

People used to laugh at me when I said ""I want to be a comedian."" Well, nobody's laughing now.

In 1975 Bill Gates was out on a date... ...and he asked his female companion what he should name his new company. She replied that he should name it after his penis.

Some guy died at the gym... They had to deadlift him out.

Don't get me started. I don't come with brakes.

Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.