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myothiha

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jokes

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Did you hear about the Chinese-German restaurant? Great food but half an hour later, you are hungry for power.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I'm just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

What do you called being pepper sprayed at UC Davis? Occupational hazard.

So a commie, a clown and a crook walk into a bar... ...no wait, they enter a presidential race.

What's the shortest possible sentence in Canadian English? Sorry, eh.

Cutest joke ever What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!

Why did the plant cross the road? Cus it was being stalked!

What is the world's most religious fish? The manta pray, at least until the morpray eel hears about this.

I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a light bulb Then I realized my life is a joke...

What's a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.

I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

Why are gangstas afraid of the rain? Cuz they roofless.

When can't a pencil write out a check? When it's broke.

Why are crosses not in fashion? They're too God-y

Man! It's raining cats and dogs out there! *MEEEW* SPLAT! *AARFF* SPLAT! Did I close my sunroof? SON OF BITCH!

Did you hear the Vikings traded Adrian Peterson? They traded him to the Minnesota Twins because the Twins needed a Switch Hitter.

Another Tom Swifty ""I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades,"" said Tom heartlessly.

Pretty typical that a female Asian drove Reddit into a ditch, and now a white man has to dig it out.

Why did the entrepreneur decide to go into the landfill business? He heard it was a growing field.

Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can't even do being unconscious right.

Hey girl, are you a group of integrable functions? because I would love to find the area under those curves

Hey, waiters, write down my fucking order. If you're trying to impress people how about don't be a waiter.

Missed Connections: hey, are you that woman I saw? Any of them? Call me.

Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks

A man asks the waiter: ""Why do you have your thumb on my steak?"" ""So I don't drop it again, Sir.""

How does a virgin pop her cherry? by using a bottle opener

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree? bored. ha^ha

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

If others are jealous, you're doing something right.

I forget... What's that Mexican dish called with rice, chicken, beans, guacamole, cheese and salsa?

Who's the best grammar Nazi? Adolf Hitler's grandmother.

Why Romeo could not meet Juliet at an Apple Store? Poor Juliet! Did not know Apple stores don't have Windows!

China's number 1 brand of Protein? I-Whey-Whey

[OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room? Air Conditioning

I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this?

My wife accused me of pedophilia... So I dropped her right back in her stroller, and walked out.

I'm not gaining weight. I'm losing wavelength

I haven't lost my virginity yet Because I never lose

What do you call a murderer who pours their mike before the cereal? A cereal killer!

How many feet do 2 black chickens have?

I saw a hot dog vendor today... She was good looking, but I don't really want a dog.

Beer:""You know what would be funny?"" Me:""No. What?"" Beer:""Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again."" Me:""Yes, sir.""

Australia wants to secede from the Commonwealth to distance itself from the British Monarchy... It will no longer be a kingdom and it can't be a principality, so it has to be a country.

What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex ? Tywalkasoreus Rex

My friend came up to me He said, ""Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?"" I said, ""Not off the top of my head.""

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion I cried when I cut up the onion

Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free but underneath it's covered with rust Dealer: Yes sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it did we?

How does a Jew make tea? Hebrews it. -- How does a Jew make beer? --Hebrews Hops

*Party dog shows up at funeral* *He barks, the corpse turns into a keg* *Everyone runs out screaming except Uncle Steve, who likes to party*

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron Because even God can't hit a one-iron

I'm not looking at your ass, I'm admiring your back pocket.

What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it.

How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.

Hey baby I put the sex, in dyslexic ;)

This morning I had a shit that was an ornithologists dream.. It was like a thousand sparrows flying out of a hole in a tree.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Me and my twin brother are always finishing each others sentences. The prison wardens are none the wiser.

The Aluminati's plan... was foiled once again.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017 5. Debt 4. People you don't like 3. Facebook 2. Drama 1. The bodies

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.

What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think i can kick this bucket? Also, Why did the chicken cross the road? [He was in the bucket](/spoiler)

Did you hear about the homosexual letter? Only came in male boxes.

I saw a Prius crash into a Subaru Outback the other day... There was granola everywhere.

I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table.

[stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, ""Dry?"" The German replies, ""Nein, just one.""

What happened when the joker dropped an elephant carrying a ten ton weight on Batman and Robin? They became flatman and ribbon. /u/realhermit has left the building.

My joke Did you hear about the procrastinator telling a joke. Answer. I,l tell you later.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!

When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

""Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?"" ~My son apparently

When I'm on a date, ... I like to tell the girl that ""I'm available for a limited time only* In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

A recent study concluded that chickens lay more eggs when they get music in their coops... But only if it is Bach.

mom hates dad My mother used to be a ventriliquist.. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father

Jack & Jill went up the hill, for a bit of privacy. Jill lifted her dress, to Jack's distress there was something there she hadn't confessed

going to travel back in time and paint a giant ""@"" in a cave just to freak everyone out

At 4am I'm pretty sure it's either too early or too late to start drinking. But if the vodka is in my cheerios, it's technically breakfast.

Where should you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.

""Kim Jong Il dies at 69."" That's how I'd like to go. With wet balls and a face full of cunt.

What is Mister Miyagi's favorite drink? Jack Daniels-san

I used to be a halogen Then I took a proton to the Ne.

Chuck Norris VS Superman Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.

Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.

Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night... She stood him up.

Human Beings get rich as they grow old Silver in Hair; Gold in Teeth; Sugar in Blood; Precious Stones in Kidneys; . And a never ending supply of Gas!

Having a girlfriend is like having a car... ... I don't have a car :'(.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

A Chicken and an Egg are sitting in bed. The Egg looks depressed; the Chicken satisfied. Not much of a joke, but it solves which came first.

Sea Shells Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because the D shells are to big.

What do a good bar and a woman have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, ""So, I was sitting there eating this salad...""

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.

Guy comes home from work and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, ""fucking carry on like that, you wont have any mates left"".

Taking their kid to a PG-13 movie must be a tough call for 13 year old mothers.

google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic

You know what the worst part of being black and Jewish is? I have to sit in the back of the oven.