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According to my Nike fuel band I masturbated 5 miles today.

What do women share in common with a condoms? They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

What do you call gay sex between the founder of Scientology and a Native American? The Indian in the Hubbard.

Two jihadists walks into a gay bar.... Needless to say, they had a huge blast

Why was Phil Collins... ...never a good betting man? Because he always went Against All Odds.

The irony of war is that The ones who are right are the ones left.

What did the dog say to the old tree? #Bark

On a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I'm about a 5.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing and delivery

Two prostitutes are talking about their clients... One of them says ""So yesterday I had this client who had a dick like my leg!"", the other replies ""Impossible - no man has a dick that's that dirty"".

My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life.

Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits. JK. He was like, ""I wanna marry you."" And I was like, ""K.""

That was actually pretty funny. But, I don't like you. Therefore, I will not laugh.

I don't believe in soul mates, unless we're talking about two Australian friends listening to Aretha Franklin.

I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.

I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.

I bought my shoes from a drug dealer... I dont know what he laced them with,but Ive been tripping all day.

What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well the flag for one is a big plus. Badum tss.

I saw a homeless man I know on a bicycle Guess he's mobile homeless

There were 99 people on a boat, and then it turned over. How many were left? 66.

What's the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy's behind.

All these what? Whenever a Jamaican women talks about ""all these terrible shootings"" I'm never sure if they mean gun violence, or footwear accessories.

A Scotsman walks out of a bar. ...

There are Three Types Of People In The World Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't!

I once met a guy who had a law fetish. He got off on a technicality.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

I got a dog for my wife. It was a good trade.

Joke :Doctor patient joke Patient: What is the cost of plastic surgery? Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic?

Whats long and black and hard to cut into? The line at KFC

Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

Why do babies make bad mechanics? They have poorly developed motor skills.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied

This is a haiku. This is really a haiku. This is not a haiku. --- --- --- ^^^Edit: ^^^missed ^^^a ^^^word ^^^and ^^^almost ^^^ruined ^^^it.

There was a pair of Siamese triplets, but they wanted to be a pair. So they cut out the middle man.

Why can't rappers take holidays? They always forget Tupac.

Good cop: You have the right to remain silent Girlfriend cop: What's wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you're lik

Saw a sign that said ""Watch for Children"" Standing underneath was a rather suspicious looking man holding a watch.

It's not gay if it's for a Klondike Bar.

If a marine is underwater... Is the marine called a sub-marine?

What's online, about to comment, and very judgmental?

what do British people say when Satan is on his period? Bloody Hell!!!

Bet you I can guess how much she weighs. She's about one... FAT BITCH!

Why does God like Swiss cheese? It's holey! ^^^^^get it?

Who was the hide-and-seek champion of 2005? Nobody knows, they haven't found him yet.

I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like ""Who are you?"" and ""Is that a gun?""

""mainstream"" = ""white people found out""

My internet was down for 5 minutes today So I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.

My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill I told him, ""My door is always open"".

Chess Set ""I'd like to buy this chess set please"" ""How will you be paying, sir?"" ""Check mate""..

how do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

How many Millennials does it take... to screw in a lightbulb? None. Their parents will do it for them.

What's the difference between Trump and Clinton? 62 Electoral Votes

I'll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag.

What is 6 afraid of 7? Because size matters.

Idk Why you kept reading

What do you say to a woman with one black eye? Nothing, you've already told her.

You can call me a narcissist... Just make sure you say my name.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? 'cause he was too far out man!

Why do gay guys have a really good fashion sense? Well, you would think so after spending so much time in the closet.. Read this somewhere awhile ago and made me laugh XD

Ever notice it's only ""stalking"" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

I am proud to endorse podiums That's a product I can stand behind

The other day I ran into my Ex So I backed up and ran into her again.

God, I hate homeless people They make no cents...

When Egypt had no internet, it was called Gypt.

Black guys like thick thighs Cuz they hate apart thighs.

What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ? Shredded Tweet !

Why is Islam in Iran so bad? Not exactly sure why, myself, it's just Shiite

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok. He woke up.

How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck it, we'll drink in the dark. (Happy birthday Devildogs)

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus? He waits at the next station

How do you top a car? tep on the brake, tupid!

TIFU by having unprotected sex. I thought the STD was standard.

Why is North Korea so polluted? They have supreme litter.

Boobs are like Christmas trees... ...it doesn't matter if they are real or fake, as long as they look good.

Men have feelings too. For example, sometimes we feel hungry.

Why did God make women last? He didn't want someone telling him what to do

I spilled spot remover on my dog Now he's gone.

A Jewish boy asks his father for one dollar... ...and his dad responds, ""Fifty cents? What do you need twenty-five cents for?""

Jesus may have walked on water but Steven Hawking runs.. ..on batteries.

Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one's gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Why did the alcoholic never realize his dream of becoming a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the BAR.

How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to spin the ladder.""

Life is like a box of chocolates... and I am a lactose-intolerant diabetic.

There are five frogs staring at me right now but only one can be America's top model.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says ""Damn"".

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Mickey Mouse goes to divorce court to divorce Minnie... The Judge says ""so you want to Divorce your wife because she's crazy?"" Mickey replies ""No, what I said was She's F&#@ing Goofy.""

Whats the best thing about duct tape? It turns NO! NO! NO! into MMM MMM MMM

You know something bad's gonna happen in a Law & Order when the electric guitar kicks in

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool? ""Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!""

I was watching Star Wars in English Class And a classmate says ""metaphors be with you""

I'm going to be filing a complaint with the shampoo company... My girlfriend recently dumped me and this ""No Tears"" stuff isn't working at all.

Me: you have a good head on your shoulders Neck: ok wow, i'm like right here

What does a pedophile and a guitarist have in common... They both like to finger A-minor.

Hey girl are your parents retarded? Because you're special.

I told my cat she was adopted and now she's not talking to me.

if i told you you have a beautiful body.... would you hold it against me?

A gentleman goes into a doctor's office... ...and says, ""Doctor, Doctor, I keep forgetting things!"" The doctor responds, ""When did this start?"" and the gentleman replies, ""When did what start?""