Source: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=a-series-of-unfortunate-events-2017&episode=s03e04
Timestamp: 2019-04-20 23:07:49+00:00

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1 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are deep below the surface of the sea Hoping to avoid Count Olaf's horrid company But, of course, he finds them And, of course, it's very awful This show is so grim It really ought to be unlawful Just look away Look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away Look away, look away Look away - Look away - Look away, look away Look away, look away [WATER GUSHING] [LEMONY] If you are considering a career in villainy, you will need several things - A villainous laugh - [LAUGHTER] a villainous way to get around, like a particularly nightmarish submarine, and most important of all, a villainous disregard for the lives of other people.
You orphans are as useless at sea as you are on land.
I order you to bring my girlfriend a sugar bowl, and instead, all you bring is a coughing baby! If you are a mycologist, or if you have seen the previous episode, then you know several facts about the Medusoid Mycelium.
[OLAF] The brig is this way! You know that it is a poisonous fungus that waxes and wanes, a phrase which here means it disappears and reappears.
What the No, this way.
You know that it grows best in small, dark places, like the throat of a toddler, and you know that it works on a very strict schedule, a schedule that currently meant Sunny Baudelaire had an hour to live.
[OLAF] We definitely haven't been this way.
[PANTING] Sunny has less than an hour.
We have to find an antidote! Fiona will know what to do.
She has books on fungi in her library.
We have to get to the Queequeg.
- Well, now which way? - We have to go back.
Don't be ridiculous! We just came from there.
If we don't go back, she'll die! Fine with me.
I only need one of you alive to get your fortune.
Serves her right for coming back without the sugar bowl.
It's this way! We have to find an antidote! Yes, well, I anti-don't care.
Tee-hee, ticklish! Tort-tort, turmeric! Ha-ha, hoi polloi! [SCREAMS] [OLAF] Hey, hey, hey! Not so fast! [PANTING] Sunny's life depends on us! Uh, I think you're confused.
If I wanted, I could drown you in the sea, or have you strangled by the arms of this mechanical octopus.
It is only through the kindness of my heart and greed that I am throwing you in the brig and torturing you instead! - Now let's get moving! - Which way? To the right! The left.
When I said right, I meant left.
[LEMONY] I beg of you, turn the corner on this unfortunate episode, for like the respiratory system of poor, poor Sunny Baudelaire [COUGHING] the Baudelaires' situation still has time to get much, much worse.
Row faster, you cakesniffers! [VIOLET] And Carmelita.
- Hiya, Baudelaires! - Phil! You're alive! Oh, better than alive.
Just think, yesterday I had one job on a submarine.
Today, I have two! I'm a rower and a swabber! Well, let's hurry along before we Countie! You're just in time for my special dance recital.
[ALL GROANING] Please, no! Carmelita is the most talented dancer in the universe! When you see her dance, your eyes will bleed with gratitude until it all clots up and you get an eye infection.
I can vouch for that! You are gonna stay and watch my recital, aren't you, Countie? I'm busy.
I have to throw the Baudelaires into the brig.
You like the Baudelaires more than me?! I'll have Hooky torture these orphans.
You stay here and torture those orphans.
Tell him to be extra vicious with those brats! I want the location of The sugar bowl.
I know, I know! Welcome to the brig, Baudelaires.
That's the pirate word for jail.
Please let us get back to the Queequeg.
Can't you see Sunny coughing? - [COUGHING] - Of course.
I can also see me not caring.
[COUGHING CONTINUES] Oh, she's really coughing her lungs out.
She's going to die! Finally we agree on something.
[DOOR LOCKS] Hang on, Sunny.
[SUNNY WHEEZES] [COUGHING] How are we supposed to get out of here? We're locked in the brig.
We've broken out of prison before.
That was a jailhouse made of brick and mortar.
[STAMMERING] This is a submarine.
Those walls are reinforced steel.
There has to be some Going somewhere? I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, orphans.
I'm here to torture you.
You can torture us all you want.
I am gonna torture you all I want.
We don't know where the sugar bowl is, and we don't care.
Sunny Shh! Now, the boss has questions, and so do I.
Why were you on the Queequeg? What are you playing at? Where's the baby? She's in bed.
If we don't get her back to the Queequeg, she'll die.
I don't have time for tricks! [COUGHING] I saved your life on that mountain, baby, and the boss has made me suffer for it.
But I think that suffering is like a family dinner.
[COUGHING] Let me just take off that stupid helmet.
- No! - No! [SPLUTTERING] She's infected with the Medusoid Mycelium.
Do you know how dangerous that fungus is? Oh, no.
The spores are already taking root in her throat! - We have to get out of here! - You have to help us, please! She's our sister.
The rowing room is around the curve to the right.
From there, it's a series of confusing twists and turns that took me hours and hours of walking to memorize.
Right, then left, then another right, then right again, then two more lefts and you'll be back at the Queequeg.
That's right, left, right, right, left, left.
Don't think this means I'm on your side, orphans.
You rotten brats have made my life miserable.
Every time we fail to get your fortune, Count Olaf yells at me.
You're the one who makes our lives miserable! Count Olaf performs terrible schemes, and you help him! - Let's just agree to disagree.
- [COUGHING] Shh! Sorry, baby.
You're gonna have to be quiet.
I'll go see if the coast is clear.
[PANTING] [SCREAMING] [HOOKY] Oh! Oh! You scared me! You scared me, boss.
- Uh, what's wrong? - What? Nothing.
No, I'm just taking a stroll down one of the many corridors of my enormous submarine.
What could be wrong? - If you're lost, I can help.
I'm looking for the room where we keep the wine.
It's this way, right? No, it's this way, left.
Aren't you supposed to be torturing orphans right now? I was headed to the galley to the wine room, to sharpen my hooks um, so that I could uh poke their orphany skin with minimal effort while achieving maximum pain.
I don't know what I'd do without you, Hooky.
- But you're still not family.
Now, off to the wine room! I could use a nice Caber-net.
For my third number, I'm going to twirl around while you clap as hard as you can! [BOY] Carmelita, please.
We've been rowing for hours.
My hands are too sore to clap.
[CHILDREN MOAN] After we save Sunny, we have to help those kids.
We have to get past Carmelita and EsmÃ© first.
[SIGHS] We need to create a distraction to get back to the Queequeg.
Then once Sunny's safe, we can find a way to free those Snow Scouts.
Violet? Violet? Maybe we can do both.
We need to create a sea monster.
C is for cute A is for adorable R is for ravishing M is for gorgeous E is for extra-gorgeous L is for lovable I is for I'm the best T is for talented And A is for a tap-dancing ballerina Fairy princess veterinarian! [SCREECHING] What's that noise? That noise is Carmelita's singing voice, and it's extremely pleasant.
[SCREECHING] [ESMÃ] Wait I hear something now.
It sounds like an alarm.
We're under attack! - [WAILING] Mommy! - [PHIL] It's the Great Unknown! Of course, I'm too young to be your real mother.
I heard it swallows you alive! I heard that it's a metaphor for death.
I'm too adorable to be swallowed! - We have to get out of here! - You will not abandon ship! - She said abandon ship! - Stop it! You stop! Stop! Carmelita, stop them now! [SCREAMING] I am your captain, and I order you to stop these prisoners at once! Ayeaye, your EsmÃ©ness! [CARMELITA] Stop it! [ESMÃ] Don't touch them, darling! They're filthy! Stop running away! Vive Le RÃ©volution! Oh, my leg! Oh, boy.
[LAUGHS] That's some tender tootsies.
[SCREAMING AND YELLING CONTINUES] Fiona! - Baudelaires, what's going on? - We need your help.
We encountered the Medusoid Mycelium in the grotto.
How did you escape? Did you find the sugar bowl? - It's with someone we trust.
Olaf's henchman let us get away, the one with hooks.
- Where is he? - He's distracting Olaf, but we got away.
Can you help us save Sunny? Aye.
This is where I read about the Medusoid Mycelium.
[COUGHING] Hurry! Chapter 40, "The Gorgonian Grotto.
" "The fast-acting poison makes the mushroom extremely volatile.
" Does it say anything about a cure? "Currently Very Fancy Doctors are searching for an antidote at a facility near Lousy Lane, but have not come up with a cure yet.
have found a cure by now.
Could we send a Volunteer Factual Dispatch? My telegraph was smashed when Olaf searched the sub.
- We can repair it.
- [KLAUS] Hang on, Sunny.
- We're close, I promise.
- The machine isn't broken too badly.
- We can use tape.
- There's an annotation in the margin.
- What does it say? Well, it's a poem.
"Is dilution simple? But of course.
" Dilution is another word for antidote.
But horses don't have roots.
Plants are often used to make antidotes.
The book said scientists were working on a cure near Lousy Lane.
We drove down Lousy Lane on our way to live with Uncle Monty.
It was terrible, like black pepper.
Root of horse [ALL] Horseradish.
Gum! There's nothing in this cupboard but boxes of gum! I found the spice rack, but there's no horseradish.
Just a lot of wasabi and tarragon.
What about the fridge? Lemon-lime soda.
- And what's that? [KLAUS] Your birthday.
That must be the surprise she and Phil were cooking up.
We can't lose her! We've researched an antidote, but only horseradish can save you.
There's no horseradish in the kitchen.
[BABBLING] The expression "the tables have turned" is not one the Baudelaire orphans had much occasion to use.
It refers to a situation that has suddenly been reversed so that those who are in a powerless position suddenly find themselves in a powerful one, and vice versa.
Sunny knew that adventurous cooking often necessitates quick substitutions, so when she suggested a horseradish substitute, Klaus hurriedly opened the jar of wasabi and spooned the spicy, green mixture into Sunny's mouth, it seemed like the tables might turn after all.
We've turned the tables on that terrible fungus.
We had wasabi the entire time, but we didn't think to use it until you told us.
[BEEPING] Aha! I found the tool to sharpen my hooks.
I'm off to torture orphans now.
Those pesky brats cause me nothing but grief.
I want to see the look on their faces while you make them suffer.
Get up close and personal to their pain.
Savor them like a fine wine.
But first, I want a sandwich.
I can make you one, boss.
Now that my schemes have bore orphan fruit, there's only one thing in the world that my heart desires, besides a sandwich.
My mentors think that I'm small.
I need to show them.
Actually, it sounds like your heart's desire is to win the love and approval of your parental figures.
I need to do something big and dramatic to get back at those V.
Ideally something that doesn't require any work.
But how? If only some powerful, convenient way to destroy a whole bunch of people was placed into my hands right now like a sandwich.
I'm off to the brig.
But you smashed its equipment.
If you disengage, it's going to sink.
Bah! There's nothing left on that wreck but rusty pipes and poetry books.
Widdershins and his fondness for limericks.
Nah You know, I don't know.
Maybe Maybe we don't need to disengage right away.
Why? Is there something you're not telling me? No No, no.
I'll I'll disengage right away.
She's sleeping now, but she'll be up biting again in no time.
I sealed the helmet with a dinner plate and some chewing gum so the fungus can't get out.
- You didn't destroy it? - No, we saved it for you.
It's a valuable specimen for a talented mycologist.
The poison of a volatile fungus can be the source of some powerful medicines.
Well, maybe something good can come out of something bad.
I'm glad Sunny is safe.
And it's a good thing you fixed the telegraph machine, or this message couldn't come through.
" "Please arrive by Thursday to the Last Safe Place " "The Hotel Denouement.
" And it's signed "J.
" Like the initials from the headquarters.
Our parents went to the Hotel Denouement a long time ago.
We can take the sub there.
I'll start charting a course.
I'll repair the damage to the sub.
I repaired the damage myself, but we're not going anywhere.
- What do you mean? - Captain's orders.
- For what? - We don't have time to wait.
Count Olaf could discover we're missing.
She who hesitates I'm not hesitating.
Whatever this is about, you can tell us.
She not gonna tell us anything.
She's not hiding anything! Fernald! Fiona! This is a volatile situation.
[LEMONY] As the Baudelaires knew, the word "volatile" means "unstable" or "likely to cause trouble.
" I thought I'd never see you again.
And it can apply to people as well as to poisonous mushrooms.
You probably have a person or two in your life who is like that.
When this person pops up, trouble may wax.
And when they vanish trouble may wane.
For years, contacting my own siblings brought them nothing but trouble, so it was easier to let them believe I was dead.
Now, of course, it is my brother who is dead, and I do not know if I will ever see my sister again.
Are you working for Count Olaf? Never mind that.
You joined up with the Baudelaires? - Well, they joined up with me.
- So Step-Pop's really gone? Aye.
He told me you died in a manatee accident.
I told him I never wanted to see his face again, but I'm sorry I left you alone.
He's your brother? He found me when he was searching the sub, but we didn't have time to talk.
He's a terrible villain! He's helped Count Olaf perform countless treacherous deeds! He also saved your sister.
Where is the baby? Is she okay? She's resting, and she's fine.
We found the antidote to the poison, and now we're headed to meet the rest of the volunteers at the Hotel Denouement, the Last Safe Place.
And you could come with us.
We're not going anywhere with him! I'm not abandoning my brother! - He's the only family I have left! - [KLAUS] He's dangerous! - He's wicked! - He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics! I read about it in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch.
It said Fernald betrayed V.
He committed arson and joined the wrong side of the schism.
There is no wrong side of the schism.
[VIOLET] Of course there is.
One side puts out fires, and the other side starts them.
You should have seen the fire.
I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in his grotto: a fungus so powerful it could destroy V.
's enemies once and for all.
He was playing with fire.
I warned him it was volatile.
If the fungus got out, it could destroy everyone.
So I decided to fight fire with fire.
I'll never forget the sight of it, like the sea was burning.
But what choice did I have? Oh, no! I did a terrible thing for a noble reason, and I paid for it.
I lost my hands in the fire, and I got kicked out of V.
My step-dad was so furious.
He never told me why you did it.
He just said there were secrets too terrible for young people to know.
He used to say that to me, too.
They'd never cultivate something that would harm people.
Tell that to your little sister.
Well, what about Count Olaf? He's a wicked person, and you help him time and time again.
Count Olaf took me in when no one else would have me.
Sure, I ended up doing more murder, arson, and assorted violence than I would have preferred, but people aren't either wicked or noble.
They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped up and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.
I mean, look at you, Baudelaires.
You helped burn down Caligari Carnival.
You've played with fire, too.
- We're nothing like you.
You only know the bad aspects of him.
He has his good parts.
Like what? Well, he, uh [FERNALD] Uh Wait.
My girlfriend said we should ditch you when you didn't come back, - but I said, "Not without Hooky.
" - [ESMÃ] Who would do the cooking? Heehee, hot pot! Hahaha, harpy! Hahaha, half-wit! Anyway, we rounded up the Snow Scouts, and so we're ready to take off.
Who's the chick with the glasses? I thought you said this sub was empty.
It was, boss! Or at least I thought it was.
I have no idea who this girl is or where she came from, I swear.
[LAUGHS] Look what I found.
A couple of cakesniffers trying to sneak away.
How did you escape the brig? I locked you in there with Turncoat! - Wait, boss! - That was your last chance.
Do you know what pirates do to traitors? Don't hurt him! My brother would never betray you! Your brother? Well, hello.
The last time I saw you, I was throwing thumbtacks into your cradle, but now you're all grown up, and you get to watch your brother die.
[GROANS] - I'm sorry, I can't understand you.
He didn't betray you, and I can prove it.
He didn't free the Baudelaires so they could escape.
He let them go so he could give you this.
- [VIOLET] No! - What are you doing? Well, I appreciate the gesture, but I prefer a smaller, lighter hat.
Inside this helmet is a specimen of Medusoid Mycelium.
That's what made Sunny sick.
Medusoid Mycelium? I thought this was destroyed in the Anwhistle fire.
[PANTING] I thought so too.
How marvelously poisonous! Nice work, Hooky.
You too, you little fungal freak.
That's not a very "in" name.
I'm calling you Triangle Eyes.
Baudelaires, when you are back in the brig, I'm going to open this helmet and toss it inside, and then you will suffer like I've always wanted you to suffer.
No! You shouldn't waste the specimen on the Baudelaires.
There are far more important people who deserve to be poisoned.
I was just thinking how nice it would be to have some powerful, convenient way to destroy a bunch of people placed into my hands, wasn't I, Hooky? - His name is Fernald.
- And I call him Hooky.
You've got a lot of moxie, kid.
How would you like to join your brother on my crew? We could use the help.
- Those Snow Scouts are terrible rowers.
Your submarine has been captured.
Even your new friends only care about themselves.
- [OLAF] Really? Because I thought you Baudelaires always put your siblings first.
- Fiona, please don't do this.
What choice do I have? [OLAF CHUCKLES] Let's sink this wreck and torture the prisoners.
I only need one orphan alive to get their fortune.
I can test the fungus on the other two.
[SQUEAKING] [OLAF] Baudelaires for too long, you have spoiled my plans.
A nice cycle for you, an unprofitable one for me.
But now that cycle has finally been broken.
You should have given up a long time ago.
I triumphed the moment you lost your family.
We didn't lose our family.
Our family is right here.
Oh, darling, I can't move.
You will lose everything, orphans.
[ESMÃ] Okay, that's all right now.
Triangle Eyes, find the baby and bring the Baudelaires to the brig.
Hooky, we need to talk.
Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters! That's pirate for an insulting term! [DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS] Quick, we don't have much time.
- You're not taking us to the brig? - Of course not.
But you'd better hurry before Count Olaf notices.
We can go to the Last Safe Place together.
I can't abandon my brother.
No matter what he's done, he's the only family I have.
There's a troupe of kidnapped Snow Scouts on that sub.
Can you help them? Aye.
Take care of the Queequeg for me.
Please don't go with Olaf.
You're not a wicked person.
People aren't either wicked or noble.
When you think of me, think of a food you love very much.
How can someone so wonderful do something so terrible? She let us go.
We'd better hurry before Count Olaf notices we're not in the brig.
Thanks for being so understanding about my Do you think I believe that story? You were going to desert me.
I think strangling your sister might teach you a lesson.
I'll give you the location of the Last Safe Place.
The who, what, when, why? Where all V.
You're my favorite again, Ferndale.
I'm taking all three of you Baudelaires to the brig! Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters! I think I'll stick with Hooky.
Get in there, Baudelaires! Or I'll feed you to a manatee! Nice work, Triangle Eyes.
Now make me a pizza.
[OLAF] Disengage from the Queequeg.
Okay? Fiona did a great job with the repairs.
I'll chart a course to the Hotel Denouement.
Good news is the Carmelita is gone.
Great news, although you don't sound happy about it.
That's because The Great Unknown is headed straight for us.
What can we do? [VIOLET] I'm putting the sub into turbo drive.
[VIOLET] Let's hope the engine doesn't blow.
[SCREECHING] I am happier than a pig eating pork.
I am tickled pinker than a sunburned Caucasian.
I am so happy-go-lucky that happy and lucky people are going to beat me senseless with a stake out of total unbridled jealousy.
Soon, we will be arriving at the Hotel Denouement, where I will unleash the Medusoid Mycelium and end V.
and their stupid codes and poetry once and for all! Teehee, taha, to-ho-tal annihilation! We still haven't found the sugar bowl, darling.
With our luck, EsmÃ©, the sugar bowl will come falling out of the sky! [LAUGHS] Ooh, wait a minute.
That wasn't a fake laugh.
EsmÃ©, I finally found something to laugh about.
[EVIL LAUGHTER] [LAUGHING AND WHOOPING] [LAUGHING AND CACKLING] I never should have given the fungus to Count Olaf.
You did a terrible thing for a noble reason.
Oh, oh, oh! EsmÃ©, let's go laugh at the Baudelaires in the brig.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] [LAUGHING AND WHOOPING] What do we do now? We're at a crossroads.
[KLAUS] The Great Unknown is falling behind.
Maximum knots, and the propulsion motor is dangerously close to blowing.
[VIOLET] The motor's not going to hold.
We need a place to surface.
A beach or a dock.
I can find a place near the Hotel Denouement.
Klaus Do you think we'll find Quigley? I'm sure we'll find him wherever he is.
[BIRDS CAWING] [LEMONY] The water cycle consists of three phenomena: evaporation, precipitation, and collection.
Occasionally, while I'm collecting evidence concerning the history of the Baudelaire orphans, I imagine myself as a drop of water, especially if it is raining or if my desk is floating in a reservoir.
It is not a pleasant feeling.
I think about how ghastly it would feel to be yanked away from my comrades, when we were gathered in a lake or a puddle, and forced into the sky through the process of evaporation.
Think how terrible it would feel to be chased out of a cloud by the process of precipitation, and tumble to the earth like a sugar bowl.
[BIRDS CAWING] How heartbroken I would feel to gather once more in a body of water and feel that I had reached the Last Safe Place only to have the tables turn, and evaporate into the sky once more, as the tedious cycle started all over again.
I found the closest beach.
It is awful to contemplate this sort of lifein which one would always be forced into motion by a variety of mysterious and powerful forces, never finding a safe place, never able to turn the tables for very long.
[WAVES CRASHING] For the same reason, the Baudelaire orphans found it awful to contemplate their own lives as their submarine landed at the very place where their cycle of unfortunate events began.
It's like we're starting the cycle all over again.
[MAN COUGHING] [COUGHING CONTINUES] Baudelaires? What are you doing here on Briny Beach again? - What are you doing here? - I'd given up all hope of finding you, and I decided to visit this beach to indulge in some sadness and rock skipping instead of searching for you, which frankly has given me nothing but tsuris.
We know what tsuris means.
Where have you been, and how did you get here? [KIT] Baudelaires! I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Is that my new secretary? What are you doing here? When you didn't show up at the office, I figured you were either sick or giving birth.
Poe, but perhaps you forgot I don't work for you.
It is customary to give at least ten days' notice when resigning a position, Ms Miss Ms - I seem to have forgotten your name.
- I never gave it to you.
Ah, then it's your fault.
My cab is just over there, and I'd be happy to drive you to the Last Safe Place, if that's still where you want to go.
Baudelaires, I insist you come with me.
You've been accused of murder, arson, kidnapping, and all sorts of assorted misdemeanors.
- We're innocent! - I'm sure you are, but that's why you need to come with me to the police station so we can sort everything out.
Since you ran away from your problems, it became clear that the stem of your troubles is from not having a clear guardian figure in your life.
Perhaps it's time for that guardian to be me.
You know how good I am with children.
So, come along, Baudelaires! Let's end this unfortunate cycle once and for all! - You're right.
- We have to break this cycle.
- That's why we can't go with you.
I don't know where you've been, how you got here, or why you're wearing a picture of Santa Claus on your uniforms.
- I beg your pardon? The picture on their uniforms is Herman Melville.
I like the way he dramatizes the plight of overlooked groups, like poor sailors and young people.
He was one of your parents' favorites.
I should warn you, if you come with me, your lives may become more difficult.
You may learn things that you didn't want to know.
I wouldn't blame you for wanting to leave this beach with that banker.
See? Even this strange, fertile woman wants you to come with me.
But you'll take us to V.
- How did you find us? - With a little help from your friends.
Fiona Widdershins sent a Volunteer Factual Dispatch so that we knew you were on the Queequeg.
And Quigley Quagmire tracked your location by studying tidal charts.
Is he here? He wanted to be, but he got a lead on a certain self-sustaining hot air mobile home He left to find his family.
He thought you would understand.
Baudelaires, you can't just go off on your own! You're children! You're orphans! You're leaving.
I was expecting this brig to be full of suffering Baudelaires, but someone let them get away.
I want you to think about what you've done, and once you're good and sorry, I will tear you hook from hook.
[DOOR LOCKS] - We have to get out of here.
And then we have to warn V.
Why do we? And then we have to rescue those Snow Scouts, defect from Count Olaf, and search for our stepfather so we can be a family again.
But first we have to escape from this brig.
[RATTLING] They who hesitate are lost.
[SNAPPING] Our agents are already converging on the Hotel Denouement, so we'll have to drive quickly.
Do you have any questions? Who are you? An excellent question.

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