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Where are the Andes? At the end of your armies.

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Andes Are In The Candy Aisle

I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

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This Joke Expired Years Ago

What's the difference between a jeweller and a prison warden? One sells watches, and the other watches cells.

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Prison Jewelry

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

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Small Thefts

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

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Bakery Fire

Who is the quickest draw in the ocean? Billy the Squid.

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Wanted For Eight Armed Robbery

My cat just threw up on the carpet. I don't think it's feline well.

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You Have To Be Kitten Me

I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said "They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas."

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Checkout Girl

Whiteboards are remarkable.

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Whiteboards

What is the richest country in the world? Ireland. Its capital is always Dublin.

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If You Count Alcoholics As Wealth

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

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Color Me Concerned

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

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You Can't Handle The Ending

I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.

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De-Grubered

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

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Kleptomania

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.

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Golfer Pants

Where are average things built? In the satisfactory.

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Thing Factory

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

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Thoughtful Clown

What lies on the ocean floor and shivers? A nervous wreck.

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These Jokes Have Sunk So Low

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood? The Spaghetto.

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Italians

What was Beethoven's fifth favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na.

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Beef Oven

How does a burglar get into your house? Intruder window.

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Burglars

People keep making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

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The End Of The Joke

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

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Clean Vocals

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

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A Wall Of movies

Doorbells, don't knock 'em.

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Doorbells

A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar. The proton orders a shot, drinks it, pulls out his wallet, and pays the bartender. The electron orders a shot, drinks it, pulls out his wallet, and pays the bartender. The neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then pulls out his wallet. The bartender stops him and says, "for you, no charge..."

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No Charge

What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Shredded tweet.

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Lawnmower Bird-Man

How do you count cows? A 'Cow'culator

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counting cows

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

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Swiss Cheesey

A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of 3; "Uno... dos... poof...". He disappeared without a tres.

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Uno Joke, Por Favor

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

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Milking Fast

I used to be a banker but I lost interest

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Banking

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal shaft? A flat minor.

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This Piano Jokes Struck A Chord

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

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Watch Your Head

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

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Tasteless Joke

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."

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Sandwich

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

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Bel Air

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!

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Well Dressed Bicycle

How do you make toast in the jungle? Pop your bread under a g'rilla.

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A Toast To Monkey Jokes

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

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The Dream Was Deep In Soda Me

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

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My Type Of Humor

Why did the banana go to the doctors'? He wasn't peeling very well.

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Banana Joke For Scale

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, "Oh no! I lost an electron!", The other asks him, "Are you sure?", The first one says, "Yeah, I'm positive"

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I'm Positive

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

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Perforated Hatred