Datasets:

bulkbeings

/

Suicidal-detect-v1.0.1

like 0

if l die i will make everyone i know happytoo alcoholized to read guys thanks bye

i failed to kill myself 2 weeks agoyh somehow i'm retarded and failed. i was going to go out the classic way of hanging yourself, i went to a park and into a forest (or rather just lots of trees i guess it's not really a forest). it was night time, so i had jumped the fence. it was dark and i didn't choose a strong branch, after i tied it to the branch, placed it around my neck and got off what i was standing on, the branch broke from my weight. i ended up going home with a noose around my neck, and just crying. eventually i got it off when i got home. and i still want to die.

i feel like a jerk because i want to kill myselfi feel like a jerk because i want to kill myself and i have more suicidal thoughts because of thisedit: i feel more like jerk posting this because when people see this they will worry and sad because then i feel like i'm toying with everyone's emotions and people shouldn't worry about my meaningless, worthless life

it doesn't matter where you go, texas, utah, colorado, oregon, michigan, south carolina. everybody everywhere seems to think that their state has the worst drivers and the craziest weather. no matter what state you're in you will hear someone say something like it can be sunny here and then raining 10 minutes later! that's (insert literally any state) weather for you!

i'm a dummy who had no idea what athletes foot was. just kept exfoliating my feet thinking that it was just callouses. nope was a same fungus. 5 days later and a tube of anti fungal cream and i'm ready for feet finder.

i went from florida to california while dating a guy but due to complications had to move back and kept it a secret from my fatherfirst post ever didn't know what to put here :d

their face, their body, everything. i'm seeing them tomorrow and i can't wait.

i'm crazy. i can't believe i scheduled them back to back. i did pass with qualifications so wasn't perfect. and i hurt my knee and had to walk a bunch. but i did it! i did them both and i'm on cloud nine and i kinda couldn't help but find an appropriate sub to share to.edit: wow you all are the best! thanks for the awards and all the congrats! it really means a lot

i had an phenomenal birthday today. i went out for brunch with my family and bought a delicious funnel cake after. i'm so glad to be alive for another year! :-)

just venting over stupid stuffhi,i just felt the need to vent. so, i've been feeling pretty bad lately, and my sleeping pattern is really messed up. i thought i'd have a shave and the damn shaver came apart (it's an electric one) and i couldn't find a piece that went missing. and it's the only shaver that doesn't irritate my skin much (i have really sensitive skin) and gives a close enough shave. so now i'll probably have to buy another one, and it's just so frustrating.

i think they look great in a title. seeing them used today is oddly satisfying to me.***the godfather part ii***metal gear solid v***final fantasy ix***star wars: episode vi***book xxvii of the** ***odyssey***henry v***

i think 5g is going to kill me

i just can't describe how much i love fried chicken. since i was a kid i always wanted to eat fried chicken for every single meal, my parents thought it was just a phase that i'll grow out of, but i'm 20 now, and i still would trade one of my kidneys for a piece of fried chicken, plus i don't respect people who don't like fried chicken

i need to get therapy or i'm going to hurt myself or someone else i have been depressed for the past three years. i'm also 12. school is crushing me lately. i started secondary school this year. (which is kind of like highschool but you're there for 6 years. it's also 7th grade for any americans) i've had two anxiety attacks over the fear i wouldn't get my homework done in time. home is not any better, i'm genuinely convinced my parents and my older sister hate me, the words they say cut deep and make me feel like trash. i need to talk to a therapist or a professional because i'm seriously considering committing suicide or murdering my parents. all i can ever think about is death. i just need to talk to someone.

the suicide hotline keeps hanging up on me, lolthat's it. idk, it's honestly funny enough to make me feel better for a minute

i dont know what to do anymoreme family have said to me that they hates mei dont have any friends and i am taking a lot of antidepressents and it dont work anymore.i hate myselfwhe i see me in the mirror i fell so depressed that i whant to vomitmy only friend is an alucination of an alucination that i have of an anime girl called zero twomy dad slapped me on the face last week.they are always screaming with me. i dont know what to do...i am thinking seriously in suicide these weekendi cant stand thease pain anymore.please someone helps me.

i'm ready to leavethere's no point to life for me anymore. i have no friends.nobody will miss me. i was doing well for a few years but my depression is back and this time i'm giving in.

i've always had problems with budgeting so i'm proud of myself for not overspending and actually working towards financial responsibility!

i finally ordered a jump rope to get back to exercising. i'm not unhealthy, but i haven't been exercising regularly, even though i used to be very active. i've been wanting to try jumping rope for a while, but i kept putting it off. i finally decided to take action and order a jump rope. i'm excited to start exercising as soon as it arrives. i feel very proud of myself!!

i have an eating disorder and at my worst i was purging multiple times a day. i haven't done it since before christmas. i told my therapist i'm ready to leave that behind. recovery is still a long way off but this is the first time i've wanted to stop. i also haven't had any alcohol in over a month :)

i just want to survive long enough to move out.every fiber in my being is crying out for the sweet peace of death, but i'm begging myself to hold on until i'm able to move out of my parents' house, which should be within the month. i'm scared i won't make it, especially since i'll be home alone for a week. does anyone know about making a safety plan?

mistress of the unknownthe breed of misfortune, mistress of the unknown,treading through the halls of hell; the wretched plains of death - ashes never to be mourned.ashen-haired "menace" to once be named a "star,"with luminosity; fading over-fast - exposes all her scars. a fading star that once shone on and brightened many a lives,happy she is in the knowledge: that happiness she bade thrive.a single prayer - but only the simplest of favors she begs in return!when in times of peril and distress, have this crumpled little flower of hope to your mind returned.

i'm gonna be alone foreveri'm a failure. gonna be 25 in a few months. no one likes me man. i don't know what it is. i know it has to do with me but i'm so tired of blaming myself for everything. i'm so alone and so tired of being an outcast. that shit is painful. i had so much potential but i guess it's going all down the drain. i pray to god like everyday for help and i get nothing. i hate my life, i hate this world, i just want it to end.

plans if you would like to hear my plans for suicide i have two and they are both flawless.i am actually proud of this one. so first pour a energy drink into a blender then add 900 mg of vyvanse + 90mg of paliperidone+ 300mg of zoloft then blend it all up. after blending this up i put a noose around my neck i drink the cocktail and inject a epipen (epinephrine) into my neck then hop. if you are unfamiliar with these medications basically vyvanse, caffeine, and epinephrine are all stimulants that will, when taken together in such quantities, will destroy my cardiovascular system. the anti-psychotic and depressant have known adverse reactions.the second is much simpler. fill the bath tub with flammable liquids, and maybe some solids to keep it burning. then submerge and ignite.

to die now, or die at a hundred. except for time, what is the difference?because you can't take your memories with you when you go.and why assume happiness is the most important thing? what good reasons do i have for believing that?so why live, pretending a better house, car etc. is important, knowing the things we want are outdated in five years, causing us to want newer things again, year after year. if things weren't invented, you wouldn't desire them.it's a trap. it's a lie. a cycle of death.all the things we do, places we go, memories we cherish all get flushed away with history in the end. why deceive ourselves progress is worth it, when really it is meaningless?what's wrong with leaving now?

i want to preempt thisi'll be brief, because, frankly, i don't care anymore. within a few days, few hours, or something like that, the absolute love of my life is going to tell me that she feels nothing for me anymore. she woke up one day and everything was different in her mind, including me, her loving mate. we never fought. we got along perfectly. we matched in all the right places. we were deeply and madly in love. we opened up new worlds for one another. it made life worth living. and it's going to end. i didn't do anything to cause it, but that doesn't matter in the end.so, the question is: what can i do to avoid killing myself? i don't like the idea of antidepressants. my pointless pride prevents me from getting a therapist. i've been through an awful depression before and i almost killed myself there. this one is already several magnitudes worse and it hasn't even really started yet. i don't know what to do.

the hole just keeps getting biggerthe hole i'm in is getting deeper and deeper. i am going to make sure my dog is taken care of and then just end it all.

and he said, yeah, that makes sense. you probably don't want it to break. that's cool man, i'm jealous.the dude indulged my completely absurd lie just to be nice and avoid making me feel bad.what a hero.

ok momcan't sleep... almost 2021. not sure if i'll ever be happy at this point. my mom literally told me there's a chance i may still be a loser when i'm 40. i'm 29 now. yes, my own mom has no faith in me. i fuckin can't stand her. i get it, i'm the fuckin black sheep of the family. i haven't been successful monetarily. i stay at mommy and daddy. i've had jobs but ok mom i know i haven't impressed u i fuckin get it. u are embarrassed of me.i'll move out soon before i'm 30 and you will barely see me. i'll be free of your constant negativity and harsh criticism...sorry for this, just had to vent guys.

turning 19 on halloween and i still dont know what to do. i live in a city where their isn't much to do only have like 4 friends any ideas? was thinking the casino the one where i live by i could play their at my age still not sure where to go.

i was at the bathhouse, doing a once over and realized only one of my toenails was long. feels very strange.

i rewatched some old romcoms after a few of the new ones, especially on netflix, and felt like they lacked substance and meaning compared to older oneseven if older one's didn't have a complicated and unique storylines, they made me feel good

is there another side?will we be punished for suicide?

'bro really said', 'rizz', ''not me doing x', i could go on and on. i'm not even that old (30) but i feel like everything has been distilled down to meme speak. i used to unironically think it was funny but the more and more i saw it it just got annoying. the constant slew of memes, slang etc is just too much. anyone else feel me?(i know, 'old man yells at cloud' vibes here )

this subs rulesi just wanted to leave this here to say that i think the rules of this subreddit are extremely counter-active-suicidal... basically they are making people who are trying to help not be able to help... just thought i'd leave this here

i'm sad, but trying to give myself grace and not blame myself. just felt alone today and this community is here so.

just pleass talk to mei can't bear this pain anymore

tonight was the last one i could handle.a few months ago my (m22) boyfriend decide to open up our relationship without considering how it would affect (f23) me but i went along because he promised to be honest, open and share everything with me, it's not that way at all. he came home covered in hickies, when he was just going to a "friend's house" i have put everything into this relationship, i left my home, family, friends etc for him. now i have no place to go and nothing but to suffer because i built my life around someone who's done with me five years and this is what i have to show for it. tonight is my last, i can no longer live like this, all i wanted was a normal life. i just can't.

she and her roommates have one of those magnetic poetry kits with just a shit ton of random words, and it's a tradition for visitors to add something silly (or deep) to the fridge before they leave. confessing my love for this force of a woman in goofy fridge magnet poem form just felt right.

so with everything going on, we aren't allowed to touch the straws without wrappers so straws just get put in bags for people and they often don't think to make sure before they drive away.sure is a strange coincidence though.

cheaper.with my first suicide attempt back in january. now, i have a flood of medical bills come in and one of my friend's committed suicide last friday. i just look at these bill's and just told myself going through with suicide and making her i am dead is cheaper than surviving. it's so stressful. my husband comforted me and told me it will be okay and we will work together.i just got a job after 6 months and had to take off and it's been only the 2nd week. i couldn't handle the death of my friend and i am starting to feel feelings that i used to block out..maybe this is a type of healing..i don't know..

if i took my life tonight nobody would careand that is a chilling and terrifying realization.

if i have a child or children, it is really important to me that they are engaged, and are curious about the world around them. i want to encourage them to ask questions. i can't wait to teach them to read!

i need to kill myself to protect the people around me.i'm 22. in 22 years of life i've done nothing, i dropped out of high school, got a ged, supposed to start college in the summer, but in 22 years of life, i've never had a girlfriend in real life. not once. i'm too afraid to even attempt to talk to women. besides, i have no money and no mode of transport (besides the bus). so 22 years of loneliness compacted with 22 years of sexual frustration. can you see the problem here? yeah, i spend almost all day every day trying to resist either raping someone or going on a killing spree.i've never told anyone this before, but i felt like i had to. now i must end myself...to protect others.

i didn't realise how much i used reddit for information until so many of it's servers got locked down. is anyone else finding the blackout difficult?

7/5/2020.i'm a hassle to those i really love and care for. i shouldn't even say that though. i'm just desperate for someone to say they need me around. no one does though. i assault myself with words daily. i'm filled with hate. actual hatred. i think i'm going to end up killing myself. that's just how it is. i can't get help now. i'm too far gone. it's only a matter of time really. i'm too emotional. i wish i was like other guys that were more manly. i hate having emotions. i feel weak. i cry too easily. i get too emotional. sometimes i think i have some sort of disease. the things i dream of can never become a reality. i've only wanted one simple thing for a long time now. i'll never be able to get it.

i want to commit suicide pleaseplease teach me an easy method for suicide. all the methods i look for are not effective and still offer me the possibility of having sequels and pain at the end

can i get help without insurance?i lost my job recently and find myself without insurance. i've been hospitalized before, but i had insurance then. i'm to the point where i feel like i need to go back. it sucks there, but they saved me the first time so i guess it works. is there anyway i can get accepted somewhere or at the very least get a psychiatrist to give me meds again without having insurance?i feel as though i'm stuck and if i don't get help very soon, i'm not going to be here much longer.

i hope somebody appreciate my existence. i hope someone appreciates that i exist in their life. words of affirmation isn't my love language but i'm not sure why i'm craving for this so much right now and realizing i am not receiving much of this. i couldn't even handle hearing any negative words right now (even though it's not directed at me). i don't know... thank you for reading.

.i am driving now.. all i have in my mind is why shouldn't i just crash my car at full speed? maybe i die maybe i don't.

he's a very serious and intense guy in general and he's been a bit grumpy the past few days, i noticed his mood got a little better last night and this confirms it. i won't tell him as i don't know want him to be self conscious about this, it's just very cute

during the first two sessions, she dressed how she would in her office, in a nice blazer and blouse. then it was a nice sweater, then a sweatshirt, and last week, a tank top. she also stopped doing her makeup. we have a friendly relationship, so i don't blame her. i dress better when i got out than when i stay home, and i've been wearing basic tees to our video sessions.

not worth iti was offered a under the table job and made a descent amount for.three days. but it's back breaking work and there's a reason why i quit my easy job there months ago , i'm tired of working . i don't want to learn about the truth , i don't want to get better or cope anymore. i'm going to just leave and go back to being at the park, i don't wanna pay rent anymore. o rather rot and die at the park in a months time.

after almost 4 months searching for a job, i got a job at my town hall. i am working in administration as an scholar. i work monday to friday 4 hours per day and the work place is close to my home (10 min walk) i'll be working there 'till the end of the year.life sometimes smiles upon you, guys. cheers!

i was bringing in the groceries today and about died

that's it. he kept putting off starting it because he wanted to watch it with me, but started it tonight so we could binge watch a different show by the same director later this week.he called me every 10-20ish minutes to rave about the show and tell me how excited he is to see how the story plays out. he finished half of it in a night, and we're gonna finish watching it together tomorrow. i've never been more excited to rewatch my favorite show. i love him so very much

i just bottle fed my foster kitten and it was quite the experience. he's so precious.

i'm amazed how open he is, and how much he reflects on his feelings.

that's it, i'm done.i have only one reason left to live for, it's my friend. i'm not in love we her, not at all, i just want attention from her because she is the only one able to provide me mental help, but the more i think about i feel her unwillingness to be in my company, or even to talk to me.i remember what a horrible person i am and how much i should die to help the world. this week i almost lost my keys and cost my parents maybe even 2,500-3,000 dollars. in addition to that i'm starting to feel these tingling in my hand and the urge to kill myself, to end it all, to stop this suffering. although i have no friends and no more reasons to live for i didn't take my own life. don't worry, i'm not going to do anything to myself soon, because i'm such a fucking coward.

i was watching suicide squad last night, and my son shot me with a nerf gun right in the middle of the movie!

if it happens, it'll happen soon.i'm about to finish my master's degree in music. my plan has been to stay at this school for my doctorate. my teacher just told me that he doesn't want me to stay and it's because i'm not playing well enough. feels bad.sometime over the last two years i just lost my way. i'm not sure where or how but i feel so lost. i used to work so much faster and harder and i used to be fearless. where did that go? i was killing it! now i'm just slow and stupid and afraid of everything. i don't really have a backup plan for next year. i feel like i'm just going to end up getting some lame job to make rent and never be a musician. that life is not what i went into debt for. ugh

i recently found myself thinking about one kid i used to play with as a child. i wonder what he's up to now, what he looks like, and who he's grown up to be

on february 5th, i am going to stab myself to death.my last post described my current situation.it's clear that suicide was my fate.i don't care what others say anymore.i will not be missed.

the look on his little face is the single most precious thing.

looking for: courage to end it alli'm a worthless piece of shit. any tips on how to get the courage to end it all ?

no friendsi exist inside of my own head. no one pays any attention to my presence. i mean nothing to absolutely no one. i struggle to establish connections due to depression and anxiety. i feel as though i'm too unattractive-suicidal and weird to be acknowledged. i'd rather be dead than live the rest of my life alone

i'm considering suicide, but i'm too weak to do itit's driving me crazy thinking about it all the time

i hate lying to my friendsi've got a friend who's the only person i know in real life that i've told about my mental health issues. she struggles too, so we try to help each other. this past week or two have been the worst i've ever had and i'm closer than ever to killing myself and she asked how i was doing and i told her i was doing ok. i've lied to plenty of people about how i was doing but never to her. i just didn't want to do that to her. i didn't want to burden her. but i feel like shit for lying to her and i feel like shit in general. i don't deserve her. she should have so much better than she does. she sure as hell doesn't deserve to hate herself. i hate her depression. she's such a good person it just pisses me off that she has to suffer. and now i'm lying to her too. god if only she wouldn't be affected when i kill myself. that'd just make it so much easier.

i'm done posting here. i'm od'ing tonight.i'm writing two letters, making sure they get somewhere they'll be seen, then downing the rest of my bupropion. even if i throw up, there'll be enough left in my system to kill me.

i am 42f and decided to take up running for the first time in my life 8 months ago. last week i finally ran 5km straight without stopping to walk or catch my breath. my body feels so different and strong compared to last year.no one in my family is fit, or come to think of it, healthy in any way. i want to be a better role model for kids. my son (9) has started running with me too.

getting kicked out.i'm 18f and my parents are threatening to kick me out. i've been struggling a lot lately with worse depressive thoughts, self harm etc. and i have been going to school on and off. it's hard. i have a job but i haven't started it yet. i try to talk to them about this, but now they're just saying to get the fuck out of their house and find a full-time job because they're convinced i'm a drop-out, which i'm not. it's been like this every year, but now that i'm 18 they're pretty much pressuring me to just give up. i don't have a car or my license, i don't have any friends to stay with or family. i'm screwed, and all i can think is the only solution is to just kill myself. if they kick me out, that's it. i'm done with this, i can't be fixed.

'the last time i'll' reflections.since i was little i have been suicidal. so many plans. fewer attempts. the attempts, have perversed this sense of 'last time ill see my wife...last time to kiss her...smell her..'..it almost makes you reappreciate just everything youre going to miss. im back to that feeling. this is the last time. will this be the last time? one way or another-would be awesome, but my heart of heart tells me the pain isnt enough to give me the balls. guess i should go the other way then. always a failure. last time. positive, we are always dying, for we never are who we were again, and we are always being reborn, in the new moment. ha. load of bs.

what should i expect from my brother if i reveal to him today that i feel suicidal?just to make it easy on him, i'll tell him that i feel it 'sometimes'. he knows i've been suffering from some sort of depressive episode but probably can't grasp the intensity of my mental illness.

it gets boring and i'm looking for some things to think about while i fall asleep.i'll see if i can list some:- reliving perks of being a wall flower as charlie- living as homer simpson- secret life of walter mitty (me) part 2- an in depth conversation with denzel washington- being stuck in a bank vault with stewie and brian- relive my opera recital i did in highschool

i'm suicidal; i'm about to tell my father, need some advice.i have been having suicidal thoughts for six months now. for the last one month my tendency to self harm has increased exponentially, my left hand is a mess, these cuts look horrible, there are even cuts on scars of previous ones. i'm terrified of myself, though thankful to god none of them were deep enough to cut my artery. even though there are these horrifying urges to kill myself i know one thing ; i don't want to die.i'm about to tell my father but i'm not what or how to say it ?

throw away accounti've never had a plan before but i want to hang myself now. i'm being convinced that i'm doing this for attention by everyone around me. part of me thinks i am. part of me thinks i never want to wake up again, seriously. i know good things will come but i don't care because i know shitty things will come also. life is hard and fuck this. i've also been off my ssri meds for 2 days, which i know is a terrible idea.

suicide gun lawsif i was to kill myself with a gun that isn't mine would the person go to jail? i don't want to harm anybody

"she"i cant take my mental state more ... i'm gorwing a fear of sleeping and been going days without sleep until i collapse... i'm just so tierd of being alone... i cant find peace ... i just been considering stabbing my heart till i bleed out and die maybe i can get enough sleep and i wont wake up crying for once... i'm so tierd i cant ... i cant i cant i reall just wannna die and i canr call my therapist... why is it so hard to have someone whos there for u and love u... i'm ready to sacrifice everything for a relationship ... i'm so tierd... i wish "she" would save me from myself... but dreams are only dreams...

a little late with this one, but i graduate in december. after 4 years of high stress and constantly feeling like quitting due to being often being abandoned by my supervisor i finished my particle physics phd.

hi. is there anyone to talk to?i am 20 years old a girl. i really feel like a fuck up. like a waste of space. ive been given everything.. and turned it into shit. and i'm not even depressed anymore. i just can't be bothered and would rather just end it. what is the point, you know? i don't know

picked last in pethanks guys.

afraid to be turned awayi can't stop thinking about killing myself. it has become all i can think about all of the time. i feel like if i go to the hospital and ask for help i'll be sent home and just look stupid. i'm 22 but still live with my parents. i feel like i actually need to hurt myself to get help, and at that point i might as well just actually kill myself. i live in ontario so i have access to the health care, but i have been sent home for suicidal thoughts in the past. god i feel insane.

i just wrote out a huge paragraph but i accidentally clicked back and now it's gonei'm not re-writing all that shit. i'll spare the details. i just need someone to convince me to not kill myself despite having zero reasons to be alive. the only reason why i haven't done it yet is because of the high chance it would fail and i'd be left permanently brain dead or something.

for the last two year i've smoked weed every single night. over the last few months i've come to terms with the fact that i have a problem. there have been many nights when i didn't really want to smoke, told myself i wouldn't, but ended up smoking because that's just what i always do. tonight's the first night i made the choice to not smoke, and actually followed through with it.

my adhd is working extra hard these days, and sitting down to do schoolwork and keeping focus is tough. but i got all my homework done today!

very tired of my life right nowrecently just got a job that i've been trying so hard to get. my parents never cared and believed it was really easy to get and give me the usual as you should speech. i never go home from college anymore. my mom has caused me so much pain that i want to end it all so she can understand what she has done to me. i want her to feel the pain and torment i'm going through everyday.

my tortie is almost 5 years old. she's always had an inaudible purr - you could feel the vibration, but no sound. just recently her purr has gotten loud enough to hear. idk if it's like wisdom teeth coming in or what, but it's a nice surprise. that's all.

i hate myselftexted my ex of 2 years ago today. everything is adding up. i moved across the country for a good job and i'm still laying in bed at night wishing i could blow my fucking brains out.

i'm scaredi really want to end it all, but i'm too scared. all i ever do is make life hard for everyone around me. i want to kill myself but i'm to scared of the pain. what can i do?

and the focaccia bread just popped out of the oven!

i want to kill myself to get back at peoplesometimes i'm so angry at people or they've hurt me in such a way that i fantasise about offing myself just to make them feel bad or upset. this isn't my core reason for wanting to end it but it's a contributing factor.making them suffer how i have suffered for too long - thinking this also lets me know that i am an awful person who probably deserves death anyway.

vent:white-hot anger, to sadness/depression, to trying to forget myself with alcohol, to sleeping, to waking up and instantly wanting to die, to sadness, to white-hot anger, to guilt about about having feelings and every bad thing i've done. my life is just defined by this now.

edit: thanks for the silver :) edit 2: and the gold!wow, i didn't expect this to blow up lol. thanks everyone for the kind words!

it's so cute how she always trusts my fashion sense, and it always feels good to be able to help. i'm my younger brother's go-to person too, even though i don't know much about men's fashion.

so i have the biggest, silliest crush on a shy guy that works across the hall from me. he's chubby, nerdy, and super cute. however, he is the shyest and most monotone guy i have ever met. i literally cannot read him. i'd like to hear your stories or about any signs of a shy guy with butterflies. i'm in my late twenties, and the whole thing makes me giggle.

struggling so badly. failing degree.so i got a third, 46.5% which is quite frankly terrible. everywhere on the net says if you get lower than 2:2 then you may as well commit s. so here i am, contemplating suicide. oh well.

birthdays kind of suck as you get older, but man, i'm actually legitimately dreading my 25th. it feels like the point where i'm supposed to have my life together and i don't, i got laid off and it's been months of unemployment. my family lives far away so i won't see them. i think i've cried every birthday for the last ten years. anyone else feel this too?

and it's cold but i'm under the covers so it's warm. i hear my little brother's friends playing outside, i can hear them through my window. the birds are chirping in the kitchen, (we have parakeets) and i hear dogs barking. it is 5:56.

tiredi'm just so tired of everything. why does it all have to be so hard? i just can't stop thinking about how easy it would be to just end it all. i feel so hopeless.

[i'm not killing myself anytime soon but] i think 24 years in this world has been more than enough to have experienced all its beauty.i don't have anything to expect to make me feel like i need another 24. i see the patterns in things after a while and they get boring really fast. that said i do intend to outlive my parents. to do less than that would be irresponsible. but i'm really bored out of my skulls. why do the same things have to happen again and again and again?