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This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.

You definitely want to make sure not to inadvertently create an inappropriate dual relationship with a client. In fact, it is not uncommon for state regulatory boards to determine that a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct. You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting that is located in a different community than the one you work in.  Another option would be to look for one-on-one or small group recovery support.

addiction

I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps...

anger-management

I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

Anxiety often occurs when big or unexpected changes come to our lives, like having new jobs, relocating, or assuming new roles. Notice if your anxiety feels like excitement, concerns, or fear.It seems like you are excited about your new job, but worried because OTHERS are telling you that you have anxiety.   Let's notice how other‘s input is affecting your thoughts and maybe causing more anxiety that you may really have.   If you are indeed experiencing anxiety, that does not mean that you will have panic attacks.   But if you are experiencing panic attacks, or suffer them at some point, you could learn how to reduce them either with therapy or medication.You can learn how to process it depending what triggers it and channel it, in a useful way.  For example, you could plan a schedule around your new job and be meticulous about it because you are worried about how your new job may affect your routine, or, you could feel overwhelmed with your schedule, focus on the feeling, but not do anything about it.  Notice the difference?  The key is in recognizing if you are anxious about something that you can change or have control over it, and take action if you do, and recognizing when you cannot control things and be OK with not being in control.I teach clients how to use meditation and cognitive reframing techniques to help calm anxiety symptoms.  If you are interested in engaging in counseling or teletherapy you may contact me at 787-466-5478.I wish you success on your new journey!Estoy preocupada por mi nuevo trabajoLa gente me dice que tengo ansiedad y estoy aterrorizada de tener un ataque de pánico en la carretera.  Esto es nuevo par a mí. ¿Que puedo hacer?La ansiedad ocurre comúnmente cuando llegan cambios grandes o inesperados en nuestras vidas, como tener un nuevo empleo, mudarse o asumir nuevos roles.Al parecer estás emocionada por tu nuevo trabajo, pero preocupada por que OTROS te dicen que tienes ansiedad.  Notemos como la opinión de otros esta influenciando tus pensamientos y tal vez te puede estar causando más ansiedad de lo que realmente tienes.  Si realmente estas pasando por un periodo de ansiedad, no es necesario que vayas a experimentar ataques de pánico.  Pero si ya los haz experimentado puedes utilizar terapia o medicamentos para controlarlos.Nota si tu ansiedad se siente emocionante, preocupada o temerosa.  Puedes aprender a procesar estos sentimientos dependiendo que pensamiento los causen y canalizar la ansiedad de manera productiva.  Por ejemplo: te puedes enfocar en organizar una agenda porque te preocupa como tu nuevo empleo afectara tu rutina diaria.  O te puedes sentir agobio respecto a cómo tu trabajo afecta tu rutina, y no hace nada más que preocuparte constantemente.  ¿Notas la diferencia?  La clave está en saber cuándo te preocupas  por algo que puedes cambiar, y tomar acción; vs. cuando te preocupas  por algo que no puedes cambiar y aceptar que no lo puedes cambiar.Le enseño a mis pacientes a  usar técnicas de meditación y re enfoque cognitivo para manejar síntomas de ansiedad  y desorden de pánico.  Si te interesa una cita de consejería o tele-terapia me puedes contactar al 787-466-5478. ¡Mucho éxito en tu nueva jornada!

anxiety

Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain," he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought.

behavioral-change

I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?

It is very likely the child is upset by the fact that the parents have left, more than that he hates you in particular.The fact that by afternoon he is happy with you shows more likelihood that he reacts to the parents departure more than who you are.

children-adolescents

What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?

I think that the most important skill a good counselor has is the ability to empathize (whether that be natural empathy, or trained, empathy is essential.) A good counselor also knows the difference between identifying with their client, and empathizing with their client. An ability to not bring in our own baggage (we all have baggage and most are "wounded healers") into our work, as it's not about us. If it is brought in, it should be in only a way that can help a client.And to listen...specifically to what the client is needing.

counseling-fundamentals

I’m facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like I’m going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?

Wanting to make changes and asking for assistance is the first step. Overcoming anxiety and depression is not an easy feat to do on your own, especially if it's been something you have been battling for years.  There are some different routes you may go down in order to start the healing process:Therapy - find a therapist who has a lot of experience with anxiety and depression. You can do this by googling "anxiety depression therapist " in your city.  CounselChat also has a directory of amazing therapists, as does Psychology TodayMedication - Depending on what other symptoms you may be struggling with depends on what medication you will be prescribed. Be 100% honest with the doctor and ask about different side effects or potential risks associated with the medication. You more than likely will be prescribed an SSRI.Therapy & Medication - The outcomes are very good for those who decide to do both. Medication can help level out out your mood and therapy can help you process through your emotions and keep you accountable for you goals , as you will be seeing your therapist more often than your psychiatristTherapy & Homeopathy - Homeopathy could potentially be a good tool to use alongside with therapy in case you are not interested in going down the medication route. Arsenicum album is most commonly given to those who struggle with anxiety and depression.The choice is yours. My recommendation is to start with therapy and explore your options more in depth with your therapist.

depression

I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like "you aren't worth anything." I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?

We all suffer from random thoughts from time to time. Being able to manage your thoughts and choose what to think about yourself is something you would learn in  counseling. An effective treatment modality for this situation is cognitive behavioral therapy.

diagnosis

I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly.

Yes you can help!  Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family.  It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals.  It’s also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well.  If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!¿Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, así que no soy victima directamente.  Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.¡Tu si puedes ayudar!  El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daños graves en la familia.  Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y también puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario.  También es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustaría buscar ayuda.  Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Protección a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso.  Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa.  Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, ¡tú puedes hacerlo!

domestic-violence

I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.

eating-disorders

She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and I’m her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didn’t. When I tell her, she explodes. I didn’t always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I don’t have the means to live on my own.

It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her.Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you?From whom do you have support during all of this?

family-conflict

I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.

I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that. I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him. No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.  :)

grief-and-loss

Is it a type of fetish, or is it normal?

Maybe it is a way to secretly satisfy your own wish to be or to live life gay.

human-sexuality

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender.Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase "messing around" was related specifically to being romantically or sexually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone.I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included).I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself.

intimacy

I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug.

Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on.  I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him.  By having that conversation, you are helping your primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health.

legal-regulatory

I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.

I would ask you, "do you feel like you need to come up with a label?" Is there something about identifying as one or the other that would be helpful for you? From what current science has told us about sexual orientation, it's a spectrum. There are people on the spectrum who are clearly gay, or clearly heterosexual, and then there is everyone in between, which includes being "bisexual" (which I guess in the spectrum would be smack in the middle?)It may be too early for you to identify as any one thing on that spectrum (as you say, "but I don't really know"), or maybe as you move through life you just won't identify as any one thing, and that's totally okay. The most important thing, in my professional opinion, is to accept yourself, fully, for whatever it is that you are. The second most important thing, in my professional opinion too, is to be honest with yourself and your partners about however you do identify your sexual orientation.

lgbtq

He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.

Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up expecting to be "normal" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you!  It DOESN'T necessarily mean, however that your husband is: gay, bisexual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you. That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as.  Lots of people have fantasies or even sexual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy sexual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves kinky, submissive, or anything else.  It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc.  Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at "the mercy" of someone else once a week). Each of us has a sexual script - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being "normal."  It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973).You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment. ALL of us are sexual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own sex fingerprint. In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own sexual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ.  If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and sexually satisfied, the relationship thrives. Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes:Both partners taking ownership for the couple's sexual experiences.Both partners learning to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.Both partners learning to meet one another's - needs, desires, and wishes while making sure his/her own needs are being met.If "pegging" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own sexual script.  However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about "needing" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage.My warmest wishes to you both!

marriage

I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I’m unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?

Do you have any other form of identification? The first place to stop would be the Visitor’s Center or whichever department issues passes. They are located outside of the gate so you do not need a military ID to enter. If you have another form of identification it’s possible that they can give you a pass in order to go and obtain a new military ID. If you do not, you could always ask someone else to sponsor you on (a friend, coworker, etc.) that have military access. Depending on the threat level, they may not need your ID as long as you are with someone that has access. Keep in mind that currently (6/11/15) all military bases are on Bravo which unfortunately means you will need your own ID.Finally, if all else fails, call your doctor and explain your situation. I’m sure they would be more than willing to discuss your options.Also, it’s important to make sure that you report your wallet being stolen if you haven’t already. Security Forces on base can help you with this and to ensure your ID doesn’t get into the wrong hands. Good luck!

military-issues

My daughter was overly tired and throwing a fit at her grandparent's house. She wanted to come home at midnight and cried screamed said she said she hated her grandma and that she wanted to kill herself! We also have a new baby in the house i didn't know if this would contribute to this. How should I approach this?

You wrote a very full family context w many directions to examine.Do you know or can you find out what the grandma and your daughter were doing in the evening of the screaming episode?Is it possible the grandma abuses your daughter, or tells her scary stories, watches scary movies.  These are only suggestions of some problem between grandma and your daughter.Also, ask your daughter directly why she wants to kill herself and what' killing herself" means.   Seven year olds don't have a concept of death being a forever condition.  Seven year olds don't have a sense of future meaning besides liking/disliking them.   Maybe the new baby is a factor.  Do you feel this is a factor?   Trust your intuition to tell you if your daughter is resentful of your new baby.Even if she is, I doubt a seven year old has the capacity to connect current unhappiness with the intention of a future action, including suicide.

parenting

My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests. In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of a client financially. A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor pays it back) would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point if you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them know what has happened.  An investigator will then look into the situation for you.  Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.

professional-ethics

How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues  and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best.

relationship-dissolution

My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Year’s Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.

Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason.  Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as "feeling like crap" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her  partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!

relationships

I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasn’t me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be “me.” I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional.

Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist?  It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google "ask a gender therapist" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions!  Good luck!

self-esteem

Sometimes 3 times a night.

That's a difficult question to answer. Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams (or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD.  If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local counselor could help. If the dreams themselves are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do.

sleep-improvement

My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying.

This takes time. I don't know how long it has been, but perhaps if your friend is willing to discuss other things with you for a little while, you could discuss this at some point in the future.Hopefully the true intentions will become apparent (in the idea that it was a prank).Also, I encourage you to look at how this is affecting you and how you feel about yourself as well. If it was meant to be a joke and it did not work, that is not entirely your fault.I wonder how you could forgive yourself for what happened?Are you able to seek what you meant to do compared to what actually happened?Do you notice that not everything that has happened here is in your control?Do you recognize that even though you would like things to be better, if your friend is not ready or willing, you are trying to do your part to make it right?Maybe everyone who is/was involved in this can talk together all at the same time to set straight what is truth and what was misunderstood.I wonder if you can think of your own positive attributes (for example: honesty, compassion, trustworthiness, friendship, good listener, caring) and look at what truly exists within you rather than just one your friend is able to see right now.This can be really difficult for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it involves more than just you, so it's important to focus on the idea that you can ask these other people who were involved to discuss it, but that is ultimately up to them.Best wishes for looking at the positive parts of yourself and your friendships.

social-relationships

My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the "straight and narrow" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?

Sometimes we have difficulty keeping the past in the past. The best way to build a great relationship and have a great future, believe it or not, is to be firmly placed in the present. That means that when we stay in the moment with our partner and can notice what we are experiencing in the here and now we reap the best benefits of that relationship. We notice the good things that are happening in the moment. We are reacting to what we are experiencing in the moment, not reacting to a worry about the past. We notice, especially, who the person is right now and not who they were in the past.  We can connect with the things we love about them, too.I think it is great that you want to help him and the choice to stay in the present and move forward in the relationship will mostly be up to him. We cannot change another person. It sounds like couples counseling might be a great step for you because you can both learn the skills you need to stay in the present and also learn some helpful "active listening" skills so that you can really listen to one another and understand each other. Communication skills can really be helpful. You can both have the opportunity to hear each other and support each other. We cannot change the past, but we can create the future we want.Best of luck to you both!

spirituality

I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?

Part of handling stress is making sure that your perception of the stress is accurate. Sometimes stress can seem more than it really is. One thing that I encourage my clients to do is to ask themselves, "What is this stressor really about?" Simplifying stress is a key to minimizing stress and leads to feeling less stressed out.

stress

I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings.One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful.As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind:Sometimes a crucial part is looking at the habit of smoking and seeing what else you can do to keep your mind and hands busy. There are sometimes toys, like those available at Office Playground, that may help to keep you physically occupied.There can also be changes or additions to your routine because I imagine that smoking took up a great deal of your time. Maybe when you have the temptation to get up and go to have a cigarette, you could have several other things that you can get up and do instead. The list is endless, but a few examples could be doing some physical exercise (with the permission of your doctor) just for a couple minutes because that could help with the craving as well, completing a puzzle, learning a new activity that requires using your hands (painting or knitting, perhaps).Another piece of quitting smoking is often linked to anxiety or other emotional changes, perhaps irritability. Depending on what it is that you may be feeling,  learning other strategies to use can be helpful as well.This can all be quite overwhelming and a very big life change. I would recommend that if things do not become easier for you, consider talking with a therapist. Then you could not only have some more strategies or ideas directly related to you, but you could have very direct support for what you are trying to do.I give you a lot of credit!

substance-abuse

I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

I encourage you to seek out and work with a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma.  Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems Therapy are all highly effective treatments for people dealing with complex trauma.  If you are interested in reading a book that is supportive and compassionate, Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that discusses treatment options in depth.

trauma

I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?

It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contact or setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead or have the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested. It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelings to change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck!

workplace-relationships

I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones.

What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying?   Crying is natural.  Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis.  Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they "have".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you "have something".  Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones.  This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a "maze" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if "maze" means you don't know what your thoughts are and  feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you.

depression

I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

The termination of a relationship can be a challenge to heal from. Having obsessions after a breakup are very normal and many of my clients experience them. It can help to create a distraction box and when the obsessions present themselves use your distraction activities. In the beginning try to distract from the obsessions for 5 minutes and work to increase that time over time. Celebrate your successes when you are able to distract yourself.

relationship-dissolution

Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Cry? Of course you can cry!Therapy is a safe place where you can be who you are with no fear of being judged. Every counselor/therapist is dedicated to protect the confidentiality (with some exceptions) of all that happens in session. Crying helps to release tension and help secure free emotional space. It may provide you with the presence of mind that therapy demands.

counseling-fundamentals

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

This is a really important question, because you don't want to waste your time and money with a therapist who is not a good fit for you.  I think the most important factor that makes a good therapist match is trust-- do you trust this person to be able to help you meet your therapy goals?  There are few things you can do upfront to test this out, without spending a dime.  First, ask for personal recommendations from friends or others.  If you know someone who had a great experience with a certain therapist, you'll feel more confident in that person right off the bat.  Second, do your online research.  Google the person's name and read everything you can find.  Many therapists are starting to develop more of an online presence because they know that's a way future clients can develop trust without even stepping in their door.  See if they have a blog, social media posts, or even just read the tone of the content on their website.  This might give you a glimpse of their therapy style.  Finally, you can call or email potential therapists and provide a brief overview of your presenting problem and describe what you're looking for in your ideal therapist.  It sounds like you have a specific idea of what you're looking for... most therapists will be honest if they don't feel they're going to meet your expectations.  Some therapists offer free short phone consultations which can help you both decide if you would work well together.  Do your homework upfront, and you'll be well on your way to finding a great therapist for you!

counseling-fundamentals

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

I urge you to seek some therapeutic help for this, and also to connect with others who knew your friend, because they're likely feeling the same way. Suicide is difficult to understand, and those left behind have many mixed emotions that make their grief complicated and anguished. Your friend either had an impulse that no one could stop, or they made a big decision that impacted everyone around them. There are other things you can do to cope with this, and it has to do with accepting your powerlessness to stop it, not blaming yourself, forgiving your friend, and finding meaning in their life and yours. You won't find that meaning in a bottle or a joint. I hope you reach out soon. :)

trauma

My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist.

parenting

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have sex (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual sex. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having sex with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. "Wrong" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you. You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be.

intimacy

I feel that I am struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and it is making my day-to-day life extremely difficult.

It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria.One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place.

behavioral-change

He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.

The behaviors you describe are boundary violations.  You can not change your spouse, but you can respond to his behaviors in ways that protect your boundaries and ensure your safety.  This is very hard to do without support.  Finding a therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships may be helpful.  If you are not ready to do this, I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  It's a great resource for helping one recognize boundary violations and learning how to respond to them in ways that are constructive!

intimacy

I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?

It is really important for you to be comfortable with your identity. With that said, it is also so important for you to be safe. It may be helpful for you to find supports (in your life, community, or online) that you can talk about how you feel and potentially gain supportive persons if your family does not accept you. It will be really important to connect with others and even a counselor to help you.

spirituality

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I’m not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesn’t keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I don’t know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?

In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by "talking back" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like "It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him..." Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away.

anxiety

How does a person start the counseling process?

I think it is important that you are able to convey what you are looking for in a therapist even if that changes over time.  You need to look at it like you are interviewing the counselor and that they will be able to provide you with the therapy you need.  To many times we do not know and it ends up not being a good fit and then people are left with a bad experience and do not want to re-engage.  Remembering you are basically hiring someone to help you so I would treat it as such. Do some research and be clear as to why you are coming to therapy and ask questions as how they will be able to help you.

counseling-fundamentals

What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?

To be non-judgemental, know who they themselves are, be able to step forward and ask questions with ease and grace into painful emotional areas.Also to respect human difference in accomplishing basic life tasks and everyday living.

counseling-fundamentals

I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me. Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?

The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you.   I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs.Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence.Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you.Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain.   Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you.   It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized.Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong.  It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have.It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you.The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s).

behavioral-change

My mom is always bossy and treats me like a child even though I'm in my 20s. She argues with me over stupid stuff.

This is a common issue. You grow up gradually, and parents often forget to shift their habitual responses according to your newfound level of maturity and growing need for freedom and independance. I'm all for helping you find new ways to cope and interact with your mom. Ultimately, you only have control over yourself, so that's the place to start. You can remind yourself that Mom's behaviours don't mean that she doesn't trust you or love you; it's just that she has habitual ways of talking to you that seem stuck in the fourteen year old range. If you can see her responses as habits, rather than a reflection of how she feels about you, then you can keep yourself calm. The more calm you are, the more she will buy into it when you invite her into a different sort of relationship. Take a look at the picture from her perspective. She may feel overwhelmed with finances (are you in college?), and feel burdened by the mundane tasks in life that she doesn't know how to recruit help for. I bet your mom spends a lot of time picking up after you, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry...all those thankless mom tasks. Take a look at how she talks to you... is she nagging about chores? Can you see that underneath the nagging there's a pretty overwhelmed and powerless person who needs assistance?  Okay, so my guess is that you both have a legitimate beef. She wants help. You want respect. Let's talk about how you get both.I propose that you sit down with mom and negotiate out a different sort of dynamic. "Mom...I see us as stuck in how we interacted when I was fourteen. Can we do this differently in a way that we both get what we want?" Sell it as "win-win". Then you write down some things that end up forming a contract. The first part is stuff that's your business and your business alone: things you want your mom to respect, like your room, your school, your job, your personal relationships and hygiene.... Mom's voice has no place in these arenas, unless you are storing food in your room and it's a health hazard. This is a "Mom says nothing about" list. The second part is about what Mom needs from you. What are her expectations about your role in the home as an adult. Does she want you to contribute to rent? Buy your own food? Do your own laundry? What items can we put in your control that would take some burden off of Mom? How will these things be enforced? What will happen if you don't follow through? Write it all down so it's really clear. It has to all be mutually agreed upon.The third part of the conversation is about how she talks to you, and how you talk to her. You can let her know that you don't want to be told what to do or when to do it; that doesn't work when you're 20 years old. Listen to what she wants too. Beyond the contract you've just written up, anything else you want from each other is a request, it's optional, and whether and when you do it is at your discretion. My guess is that if she spoke to you with more respect, you'd be more willing to help out. AND, I think if you participated a bit more she would nag at you less. Go for the win-win. I wish you well as you negotiate a new relationship with Mom. :)

family-conflict

He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.

Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are.For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need. It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here.I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :)

intimacy

Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Absolutely normal! Therapy should be a place where you can feel safe to explore and express all of your emotions. Some clients may cry easier than others and there is no "right way" to do therapy. I have many clients who cry each session. And I have many other clients who cry periodically. And I have others who haven't cried once. Each person is different however therapy should be a place where you feel safe expressing yourself.

counseling-fundamentals

I'm constantly in a bad mood and I have no energy. Is that depression?

Depression has many different signs and symptoms and looks different for every person.  Often times people think depression is more about feeling "sad," but depression can, in fact, express itself through irritability (or bad mood as you say) and lack of energy.  According to the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), depression includes the following symptoms:-Depressed mood-Irritable mood-Decreased interest or pleasure in activities you usually participate in or enjoy-Significant weight change or change in appetite-Change in sleep (insomnia or hypersomnia)-Psychomotor aggitation or retardation-Fatigue or loss in energy -Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt-Diminished ability to concentrate or indecisiveness-Thoughts of suicide or plan The great news is that there are many ways to improve depressive symptoms.  If you are up for it, perhaps the best place to start is by seeing a physician or a therapist who can help determine how severe the depression is and can suggest methods of addressing the depression that fit your lifestyle, values, and capabilities.  Good luck!

depression

My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.

I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues.   Anger also helps us understand that there’s something wrong that needs to change.  Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger. Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.?  Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and what’s your reaction.  Then explore how else you could respond or react.  You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario.  This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggression and learn to manage our anger before we act on it.  Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically.  Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry.  Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos.  El coraje también nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar.  Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregúntate a ti mismo: ¿Por qué tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.?  Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reacción.  Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasión.  Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situación.  Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploración.También es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresión, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos.  El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresión es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, física, emocional o sicológicamente.  Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta química que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos.  El la actividad física y la meditación también pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes.

anger-management

We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.

Just ask him.I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of "long distance relationship" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities. It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.

relationships

I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?

It sounds like you are experiencing burnout and have very little, if no job satisfaction.  There are some aspects of this that are in your control and others that are not.  What type of work do you typically enjoy?  Do you enjoy high stress work? What keeps you in this job? Is there a reason you have stayed?  Is your boss reasonable to have a conversation with?  I recommend a few things.  For one, you may want to have a discussion with your boss about your job duties and see if there is a way to either eliminate some responsibilities or get higher pay.  Another option, if you are unable to have an open conversation, you can start to look at an ideal work situation, what would you like/ be OK with/ absolutely hate about a job. Then possibly try to look for a new job that fits these qualifications. If you are unable to leave your job, you may want to attempt to balance your work life with more activities that create joy outside of work.  Sometimes that balance can help you tolerate work more.  I recommend that you find a supportive person to talk with and process these frustrations as burnout can lead us to do things we may regret.

workplace-relationships

I have no real friends. I have a girlfriend who irritates me but loves me to death. I push her away and pushes me away. We’re going through a breakup, and I have nobody.

Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends.Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you.Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you.

depression

Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Therapy is by nature a safe place to discuss difficult, or painful memories or experiences and thereby it is normal that feelings of all kinds, including sadness, loss, frustration, disappointment, etc may arise.  This is part of processing and bringing closure to things that may have been pushed aside for a lifetime and can now be faced and dealt with.  Change too is often not easy, and can lead to crying, whether from frustration and set back...or also from joy and accomplishment!

counseling-fundamentals

After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay.  Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.

lgbtq

A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?

For starters, know that this is a normal experience for many men at some point in their lives. While this can certainly cause some embarrassment, a diminished sexual esteem or relationship problems, it is important to know you are not alone. I am going to move forward assuming that you have already checked with a medical professional to rule out any medical problems that may be related to this. Assuming that is the case, for most this happens for two primary reasons. It is either a short term biological shortage of blood flow to the penis. This can be caused my diet, lack of exercise, even stress. Another primary reason for loss of erections are anxiety. Have their been recent relationship issues? Are you feeling as though you aren't satisfied in the bedroom? These are just a few aspects that can cause subconscious anxiety and loss of erection. My suggestion to you would be to seek out a counselor that specializes in sexuality that can assist you in moving forward with this.  Best of Luck!

depression

I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?

Hello.  What you are experiencing is entirely reasonable for someone that is still trying to adjust to a new life and also leave behind a long term relationship.  It sounds like you lost touch with who you were as a person and need to start exploring that side of you again.  Spend time doing things that you have been putting off, or did not do because you were involved.  Take the time to become one with yourself before you get into another serious relationship.  Regaining self-confidence on yourself will help you with all other areas of life.  It is time to make you a priority and to start focusing on your mental and physical well being.  Get connected with your community and find things you would want to do that give you purpose and lift you.  Before too long you will be in your way to being content and in total control of your mind and at peace.  Best of luck. Mirella~

anxiety

After I told them, they yelled at me.

That has to be incredibly difficult because you were very vulnerable and open about what you were feeling and I imagine the response was very hurtful.Here are a couple of things to do right now:Practice giving yourself some love. Bring your awareness to the room around you and some of the positive energy within you. As you become a bit centered, you're likely to be able to work through your emotions more easily.Surround yourself with people who do accept you. I'm hoping that you have friends or acquaintances who accept you as you are.You can also find some support here through this organization that often have events related to offering support: https://www.pflag.org/needsupport. I have not spoken with this organization directly, but they are often discussed in therapeutic trainings as a reputable organization.Related more specifically to your family, that change may take some time. There is often a large adjustment in families because of the huge variations in reactions and what each person thinks, feels, and believes.Consider talking with a local therapist about how to communicate more effectively with your family, as there are a lot of variables there, so it is difficult to give you specific ideas in this format.Remember, there are lots of people who accept you as you are right now.

family-conflict

About 3 years ago or so I was skinny, but I was still ugly. I really do want to change that but I've tried 3 times. Now can I try but don't stop. At school I get bullied about my weight and my ugliness and I have been bullied my whole life that I believe them. How can I stop thinking about them and don't let it get in my head? My parents said I don't weight that much but, they do think I am fat but, they tell me I am not. I told my parents that I need to go to a therapist, but they think I am fine and I think they don't want to deal with it.

Amy is right, you do not need to ask for permission to seek for support.  Finding that help at school or through your pediatrician could be the first step towards getting the tools to reach physical and emotional health.  Remember that the weight is only a number on the scale, but your health is determined by multiple factors.  It sounds like no matter how much you weight, there are some self-esteem issues that need to be addressed.  When we are constantly told negative messages, we end up believing them ourselves and is important to learn to recognize those negative thoughts, get them out and put positive ones in.In regards to your parents, t may be that your parents are in denial because they want to provide unconditional love, but do not have the tools to address your concerns.  At some point remind them that you would like to talk to someone about your feelings, and maybe give the opportunity to be part of that conversation.  Having a healthy support system is important, and being able to learn to communicate with them will allow you to have a healthy relationship with them as you grow into adulthood.Trough individual therapy you can work on your self-esteem and establish specific goals for self-care.  Through family therapy, you could address family dynamics, negotiate solutions to current family or individual challenges and identify ways to support each other.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.    Tengo 16 años y peso sobre 220 libras. Hace como 3 años era más delgada, pero era muy fea.  Quisiera cambiar eso, pero he intentado 3 veces.  Ahora intento pero no puedo.  En la escuela me hacen bullying por mi peso y mi fealdad, tanto que me le he creído.  Como puedo dejar de pensar e ellos y no dejar que se me metan sus ideas en la cabeza?  Mis padres me dicen que no peso tanto y que no creen que estoy [email protected]  Le dije a mis padres que necesito hablar con un terapista, pero ellos me dicen que estoy bien, yo creo que ellos no quieren lidiar con el problema.La terapista Amy tiene razón, no es necesario pedir permiso para buscar ayuda.  Encontrar un consejero escolar o hablar con tu pediatra puede ser el primer paso para obtener las herramientas que te ayudarán a alcanzar tus metas de salud física y emocional.  Recuerda que tu peso es solo un número en balanza, pero tu salud está determinada por muchos factores.   También me parece que sin importar cuanto peses, hay un problema con tu autoestima que debe ser atendido. Cuando hemos sido expuestos frecuentemente a mensajes negativos, esos mensajes se vuelven parte de nuestra mentalidad y debemos aprender a reemplazarlos por mensajes positivo. Respecto a tus padres, puede ser que ellos estén en negación porque ellos desean proveerte amor incondicional, pero no tienen las herramientas necesarias para atender tus preocupaciones. En algún momento, recuérdales lo importante que es para ti hablar con alguien sobre cómo te sientes, e invitarlos a que sean parte de esa conversación.  Es clave tener un sistema de apoyo saludable y aprender a comunicarse efectivamente con tu familia, te ayudara a tener una relación de comprensión y apoyo mutuo. A través de la consejería individual, puedes trabajar en mejorar tu autoestima, y establecer metas específicas para tu cuidado personal.  A través de sesiones familiares, puedes atender dinámicas familiares, negociar soluciones e identificar maneras de proveerse apoyo.Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.

self-esteem

I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

This is a common response parents can have.  There are many reasons for attachment disruption.   But attachment is  important for the child as well as your long term relationship with them.    I would want to know more about the history of the child and any stressors you have gone through during the child's lifetime.  Often if there is stress parents will not have the time or energy to attach well to the child.  Sometimes the energy of the child and the parent are mismatched as well.  But whatever is at the core this is something that can be addressed in counseling.  The earlier the better because adult relationships are based on parental relationships we had as children.  Therapy can start at age 3 to address these types of issues.  Visit staceybshapiro.com for more information about getting started.

parenting

I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?

A break up, even one that you initiated, may deserve some time and space to allow it to be complete.There's a few ideas I'll throw out there and you can choose if they stick.  One is to re-invest in the friendships you have by setting up regular coffee get-togethers for example.  Two, get out in nature.  It's hard to ignore how grand and patient nature is, and it sometimes takes the pressure off what we should be and instead allows us to be.  And the last one I'll throw out there is to invest your time and energy in a project or achievement you've wanted to do for a while, but that perhaps you didn't have the time to.  Something related to a hobby such as sports or music, or related to your career.  Something that is 'for' you.  Life knocks us off balance at times, and that's ok.  Self-questioning during these times can be a healthy endeavor.  Should you follow any of the advice on this website, continue to be kind to yourself about what you're feeling, and curious about why you're feeling that way.

anxiety

I’m facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like I’m going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?

Anxiety and depression is caused by ineffective functioning of the adrenals, kidneys, and the other systems that affects.A basic protocol of natural health makes quick work of it (about 2-3 months-ish; maybe shorter with a good constitution, in your body) :)

depression

I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.

This quiet wonder that you have is something you can easily explore. There is a part of you that you can access anytime, anywhere. It is the part that has always been with you. Find a quiet place where you can be alone for a while and get comfortable. Settle in. Let your thoughts go by like a river. Stay with that connection for a while. What you find in the silence is yours alone, your "you".

spirituality

My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and “undercover” messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks.  Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills.  Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces.  It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction.  Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor.   The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible until you to master them.  You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿Cómo puedo lograr que mi mamá me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicación con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos.  A veces, nos parece aun más difícil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicación.  Especialmente nuestras  madres,  pueden hacer parecer que están convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y qué hacemos?  Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a través de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicación asertiva.  Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos.  También te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacción.  Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero.  El secreto está en practicar las técnicas de comunicación cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontáneamente.  Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas técnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difícil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista.

family-conflict

I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.

Tell your partner about this so that ideally the person has a chance to be supportive and reassuring, as well as listen to your specific worries and fears.Initiate this type of discussion at a time which is removed from the time you’re about to have sex.This way you and your partner both have a chance to realize the two of you are having a discussion,  not a prelude to sex.If you meant in your question that you feel anxious about having sex w a random partner, then maybe you are less interested in hookup sex than you imagined.

anxiety

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

This is actually pretty common. When winter hits, we tend to find ourselves huddled inside from the cold. Not to mention the sun is out for a much shorter time. It will be helpful to get as much sunlight as possible. Get outside when you can. Open up the blinds and drapes. Use a sunlight if you want to (amazon has some for reasonable prices). Stay connected to friends and family. Try to engage in activities that make you feel positive, productive, and connected.

depression

My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?

Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better. But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well.

parenting

I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?

To be bullied is very painful.I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness.Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal?Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe.If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem?In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help.You're entitled to be protected by your school.

children-adolescents

My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him "again." I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.

I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time. When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship.  Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive.  In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner.  Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them.  You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses.  In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust.  You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well.  But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense.

relationships

I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?

It would be my professional opinion that the desire for you to keep it a secret at all, while yes I could see it as "giving you a chance with a girl," is something that might be more about a discomfort for you. If you are comfortable with your kinks and fetishes (if I may call it such, not my intention to pathologize in any way though), then be as open as you want to be. But I also don't know that you need to be announcing it as part of your online dating profile (because you do say it "bothers girls I ask out" which to me implies that that is what you're leading with.) My hope is that people don't make dating decisions based on your kinky behaviors, but more likely that they would make decisions based on your own comfort and security with said kinky behaviors.

intimacy

I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped.

Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing.

self-esteem

I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it’s an emotional nightmare I can’t get to the bottom of. I’ve had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? While I’m not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don’t take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I’ve talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems.

Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... "semi-relationship". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a "hook-up" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence.

depression

I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching asexuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that:Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about asexuality - http://www.asexuality.org/home/There are a whole lot of myths surrounding asexuality. One is that people who are asexual have absolutely no interest in sex, and that is not always the case. There are variations of asexuality. Some people who are asexual have an interest in sex and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with asexuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of sexual orientations as only being straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but the truth is there are many variations of sexual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need. You may never feel the need to label how you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

lgbtq

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out.

trauma

I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

First, thank you for sharing such deep personal information. It can be difficult to share such intimate information. To begin, it sounds likes your primary concern your desire to speak to someone who takes your mental health seriously. You've tried talking to your parents and your friends and neither have made that connection in the area you need. I'm sorry to hear that. it's unfortunate. However, I think a couple things can be done to try to address this. If you want support1) Parents- Sit down with one of them and tell them with all seriousness that you need to talk about something that is affecting you deeply. Perhaps speaking to both can be too much for one room. If you try to speak to mom or dad by themselves, it may create that intimate atmosphere needed to understand where you are coming from. 2) Friends: Like parents it can be difficult to speak to your friends about challenges with your mental health. When you're feeling down and anxious, friends can be great help or not their at all. With friends, it may be one of those things where you also need to create an intimate environment with one friend to speak to about your sadness and anxiety. If anything, speak to the fact you're hurt and help them understand that if they can't understand the depressionIf you don't want support Coping Strategies: Identify coping skills and strategy that help you when you're feeling down. Ideas:A.) JournalingB) PaintingC) ExerciseD) MusicE) Reading AffirmationF) Listening To Motivation Videos

depression

There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past I’m pushing him away. How can I get my life back?

You already are doing that! You are reaching out (virtually still counts!). You are accepting your past, you are not denying what happened to you, you are talking about the past. You are already doing a great job of starting this journey. You get your life back by doing things differently.I would think about how you would like to process your past. Do you want to talk to someone? Do you want to write about it? Do you want to pray about it? Do you want to read and research books about trauma? Take some time and think about what you want to do. Think about what would work for you and dive in. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, so I am biased - but I really believe that counseling works. Having an objective, professional voice that can guide you on this process is so valuable. But please choose what makes you feel comfortable - not what everyone else says. I think you are very brave for reaching out and wanting to work on this. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength.

trauma

I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

I'm sorry your grandpa died.Good for you to write on this site about wanting help to know how best to live with this new loss.Have you looked online for blogs and forums about adjusting to a recent death?  That you know you'd like another person to help you adjust, is a good sign of your own mental health stability.It is possible that reading online blogs and discussion forums, writing on these if you feel like doing so, and possibly joining a local free support group, will be all you need to feel better.There is no set timeline in grief.   Let yourself take as much time as you feel is best for you.

grief-and-loss

I like getting attention from men. I don't have sex. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted.

Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general. If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck!

self-esteem

I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.

I suggest that you work on emotional awareness. Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say “I am sad” or “that really hurt my feelings” and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a “simple” thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern. It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience.

anger-management

My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.

Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.

intimacy

I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.

Which one gives you the most anxiety? List from top to bottom which one gives you the greatest anxiety and ask the question how come? From there, we can figure out the underlying factors of your anxiety.

anxiety

My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?

I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.

intimacy

I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.

This is perhaps the deepest question that one can ask of themselves and the answer is as elusive as the deepest enigma. We are fluid beings, we are never the same from day to day, we learn or unlearn, we evolve or some of us even devolve, we are in a state of constant flux, changing and adapting, like a cloud in the sky that has its shape changed by the wind, life whittles us away and carves us constantly, trying to understand this question is like trying to bite your own teeth, however we can have a sense of what we would call our core and to understand the core, we need to live and to experience, but also to think deeply, analytically, and critically, by engaging with life we get a sense that we are like the Earth itself, inside of us there is a core, just as there is inside our planet but our continents shift and change over time, like those continents so does our own nature shift throughout our lives.

spirituality

he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?

The kids are actually her Property, and he does have a claim to them as he wishes;The house is yours, I presume;So require that if he wishes to see his Property, it be done off of your Property;And, that as long as it remains your Property, you have jurisdiction over all those, therein;Require compensation for visits, and send him a bill;When he doesn't pay, send to the local sheriff, go to small claims court, and win a judgment against him for non-payment;I wonder how that might work out... act as man :)

parenting

I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

Have you tried rehearsing to yourself or a trusted friend what you will present to the class?   The more confident you feel in a safe space, the more chance there will be of making the same presentation to a larger group.Giving presentations is not necessarily a difficulty with communication.   It has more to do with performance than expressing yourself clearly.Practice, practice, and practice, until you see yourself improve in how you present.Also, keep in mind that whatever anxiety you may feel about making a mistake, the audience is almost alway much more forgiving than the person who feels anxious.Anxiety heightens fear, so whatever concerns you have, check if they are growing from anxiety instead of a realistic assessment of your abilities or audience receptivity.Good luck!

anxiety

My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

I wonder if you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. A few things may help with that:Try having the conversation you are both able to have a conversation about something that is important (for example, not during a commercial for a TV show)Maybe your boyfriend will be willing to listen to you for about five minutes asking questions to learn more about your experience, kind of like an investigative reporter wouldSee if your boyfriend is able to capture the essence of what you're saying by summarizing it for youRemember that hearing you and following what you're saying does not mean that he agreesAlso consider if there are events in your past that are affecting the way you are looking at this relationship between your boyfriend and this other girl (we all bring our own histories into relationships and we unconsciously expect that what has worked in other relationships will work in current ones)Then you can switch so that you can hear more about what he is experiencing (for example, what it is that he likes about her)Also consider having a discussion that if one of you becomes very emotional and needs a break from the discussion, discuss having a timeout that will last for a certain time frame (usually between 15 minutes and one hour) and then come back to continue the discussionRemember that the goal here is just to learn more about what each of you is going through, not to find a solution right awayThis can be difficult. Consider working with a couples therapist to discuss it together.

intimacy

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?

Infidelity is common. In a largest study conducted to date about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men admitted to being unfaithful while in a monogamous relationship. You are not alone and you can get through this just like countless couples have done before you. First of all, you need to know that although there may be reasons for his behaviour (e.g., not feeling sexually satisfied) those are not excuses. He could have chosen to masturbate instead of cheating on you, right? Your partner needs to own his choices and if he is capable of doing it and is truly willing to work on the relationship with you to make it stronger, more transparent and more fulfilling for both of you, then there is hope. The question is : are you willing to put in all this extra work? Forgiveness is not easy and it may take a lot of time and effort for you to consciously choose to trust again. It won't just happen if you don't work on it. And yes, it's unfair that you are being asked to work on this, when he is the one who had been unfaithful. Even though it is hard, you need to be able to let go at some point of having all the power in the relationship, because right now you have it as the one who had been cheated on. You cannot hold on to being the victim forever because it will create an imbalance in your relationship making it less healthy in the long-run. All of this is hard work. Is he and this relationship worth it? Are you equally committed to making it work? If so, don't abandon this relationship just yet. Work on it together (ideally get a few sessions with an experienced couple counsellor) and see where that gets you. For additional specific ideas check out my tips for how to deal with infidelity in a relationship. Good luck!

intimacy

She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.

Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours.

family-conflict

I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. I’m always alone with no friends.

First, let me say that you are a survivor and a warrior. Managing 1 child by yourself is difficult, but twins is a whole different ballgame. Anxiety can affect us at any time anywhere. This is the challenge, especially when we have so many things to manage each day. There are several methods and practices that help manage and even reduce symptoms of anxiety. It will depend on what works best for you. Talk with friends, a counselor, or a loved one who can offer you support and feedback as you navigate this process of learning what works for you. When all else fails; make sure you are in a safe place, pause for a deep, cleansing breath in, a long exhale out, and ask yourself, "What do I want in this moment?" Now you can begin again.

depression

We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?

Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way.

intimacy

I’ve been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.

Staying on the lower dose may give you more room to learn strategies for coping with your anxiety.  Medications are so helpful, and needed at times, but it's also important to have a variety of tools you use to manage your responses to stress.  If you are not already seeing a therapist, consider finding one who can help you learn some effective strategies, like replacing self-defeating thoughts with ones that work better for you, or mindfulness, relaxation, or other tools to keep your anxiety in the manageable range!

anxiety

I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.

Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women. There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run. If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!

intimacy

I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.

Sexual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and bisexual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls.If you don't know whether you are gay or bisexual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms "gay" or "bisexual" for quite a while.It's okay not to know.Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most.If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing.

lgbtq

For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?

Ask her to consider your feelings not only her own defensiveness that she is called a whore by you.Clearly since you're writing on a site which offers psychological and emotional support and guidance, you do not consider your gf to be a whore.She may not realize or considered that you are somewhat protective of who sees her body.   In the end she may not want the privacy over her body which you are encouraging her to have.At least you will have the satisfaction to know you stated your actual reasons for your request, and did not rely on the ones she imagined you have.

intimacy

She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.

Maybe your girlfriend feels torn in her emotions between loyalty toward her family and toward investing herself in a relationship.There are so many "maybes", that the best way to strengthen your relationship is to ask your girlfriend if she feels any pressure from her family to avoid involving herself with you.If the answer is "no", then continue to talk with each other as to what would make you each feel more secure with one another.Also, more simply, are the  two of you able to resolve the "little fights"?Differences of opinion are normal between two people, even to the point of each person feeling they are the only one who knows the correct answer.As long as each one of you has the goodwill to give a little, then the fights are a healthy way to respect and care about each other.If the fights are about the same topic which repeats itself, then there are strong differences between the two of you, including the possibility that her family places and she is willing to accept, some obstacle to this relationship.

intimacy

She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.

Given the short amount of time you know this girlfriend, there is no history on which to make a judgment about the likelihood of what she will do next.Certainly she is confusing by telling you she likes you and is with someone new.  And not giving you any explanation as to why she made her decision.I'd suggest two possibilities.Speak with her and ask her if she considers opening your relationship with her.Or, simply wait and see what she does when you contact her in a friendly way.Pay attention to your own satisfaction level.If you get more answers from her which aren't agreeable with you, then it is time to put the hope for this relationship behind you.Then you'll have clear space to find someone who is as interested in you as you are in them!

relationship-dissolution

I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You've probably read articles already about impostor syndrome, but still didn't get the answers you were looking for; you probably know that lots of people feel this way, that it happens to lots of successful people in professional settings. Not helping, right?Think about people who succeed at big tasks: an Olympic athlete has a defined goal that they need to meet: cross the finish line, say, faster than anyone else. That success is remarked upon, and - until someone does the event better than they did - they are 'the best.' Grad school, however, is not so great at discrete goals and celebrations of success. You got a good grade on an assignment, but what about the next one? You and 6 other people in your class probably got the same grade, so does that make you a success or average? It falls to you, then, to identify ways you are sure you've succeeded. If your grades and peer admiration aren't hallmarks of success enough, perhaps pull your measuring tool inward: measure your achievements against your own progress- ie: I got a 93 on my last assignment, I got a 97 this time! You might find those feelings fading soon~

anxiety

Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them.  When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution.   Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!

behavioral-change

Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing.

As you do it more, it should get better or at less with less anxiety.  Anxiety is normal for most when speaking in public.  I hear this from even the best of facilitators who have been doing it for years.  I even experienced that when I first became a counselor and had to lead classes.  I asked myself why were I so anxious?  I admit at that time I didn't have confidence in myself.  The more I prepared and practiced, the more my confidence level increased.  Yours will too...

anxiety

I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking.  The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way.  My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions.

substance-abuse

I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?

I would not focus on what other people say. Do you feel what you have described impacts your day to day functioning? Try to evaluate how is your self esteem, motivation and self confidence. How about negative thoughts or hopelessness? Any concerns about your grades sliding down? If you answered yes to any questions, may be its time to see a counsellor.

depression