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[me narrating a documentary about narrators] ""I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"" |
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men. |
I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper. |
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak- |
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks. |
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo |
Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble. |
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it. |
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again. |
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me |
Telling my daugthers date that ""she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her."" *Correct way to parent. |
What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes |
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs. |
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth. |
How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh |
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it? |
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby. |
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer... |
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! |
Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf |
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it |
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. |
""That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!"" women |
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later. |
What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik |
How to get a cop's attention |
What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection |
Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side. |
Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria. |
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting. |
Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it."" |
How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over! |
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses. |
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, ""We don't serve superconductors here."" He leaves without resistance. |
A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down |
Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day. |
Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue. |
Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor. |
Ted Cruz getting elected. |
Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan. |
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets. |
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts. |
Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won't be a dry seat in the cinema. |
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large. |
Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible! |
What's the difference between a car tyre, and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, an the other's a great year. |
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van. |
I've struggled for years to be above the influence... But I've never been able to get that high |
With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it |
What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week. |
Have you ever heard of the movie ""Constipation""? No? Most likely because it never came out. |
What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder |
I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once. |
What did the car said to the valet? I've been through a lot. |
Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it's hate sex. |
yeah girl.. shake that thing where poop comes out of. it really turns me on when your poop factory shakes faster than usual |
""I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."" --Stephen Hawking |
A Mexican fireman had twin boys He named them Jose and Hose B |
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before! |
Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again |
Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"". |
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face. |
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom. |
Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really? |
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat. |
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs. |
I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole. |
Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo. |
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win. |
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now. |
I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines |
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest. |
""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels |
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her |
What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends"" |
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert. |
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old. |
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade. |
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung |
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex |
I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt! |
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it. |
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards. |
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans. |
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP! |
Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan. |
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better. |
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread |
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work) |
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts. |
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op. |
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up. |
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open. |
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel. |
""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs."" |
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair. |
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood |
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you |
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. |
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