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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
vampires did n't age like humans and centuries-old tales were the norm for such long-lived creatures . this just proved it . as the night cooled , jared fell into an uneasy sleep , caught between a captive and a corpse . chapter three tessa stepped into the parking lot . instinct led her between a large black suv and a fancier white version an escalade . recognition slammed into her as she studied the two vehicles . that same familiar feeling surrounded one car for sure . the black vehicle a nitro , according to the name on the side had been driven by one of the two men who 'd attacked her . she strode to the back of it and committed the license plate to memory . she did n't know what could be done with the information , if anything , but had heard from her friends about running plates and such . studying the area around her , she saw small groups of people hashing over the same gossip . she tried to peer inside the vehicle on the off chance that jared might be inside . the heavily tinted windows hid everything . even her vampire vision only showed the shadowy seats but not the spaces between them . frustrated , she did n't know what to do . surely someone would come back for the vehicles tonight ? then she could follow them home . jared had to be stashed close by . groaning , she sat on a cement block in front of the nitro and buried her head in her arms . approaching footsteps had her hunkering lower down . the first voice cut through the night air cleanly . where to first ? '' the second guttural voice hung heavy and thick around her . `` check on our guests then off to hunt . '' the first man 's voice made tessa 's skin crawl . the two men laughed and tessa knew she 'd never forget their voices ever . she slid lower behind the block , willing herself invisible . do you think we should track her down ? take care of her , too ? '' chances are good she was too injured to be of any value . besides , there was something weird about her . and being female , she 's probably ready for bedlam by now . '' `` even if she did see something , who 's going to believe her ? vampire uprising ? tessa shuffled further out of sight . confronting these two bad-asses was n't part of her plan . too bad she did n't have someone to go with her when she tracked them . but her friends were limited to a few humans sonotwhat she needed right now . she had to follow these assholes alone . the white escalade fired up , followed by the nitro . good to know the men were driving both vehicles . tessa stayed huddled in a ball below the glare of headlights as first one , then the other reversed and headed out of the lot . she stood up and watched the direction they drove . away from town . why had n't she learned to glide ? oh right , because everyone had laughed at her so hard , she 'd sworn never to try again . she really wished she 'd tried harder . that skill would have come in handy right about now . her dad was a master glider . he moved so smoothly he floated through the sky . cody and his father were fliers . tessa could only manage a weird half-crab , half-jumping movement . she was gawky , looking like she was all limbs with no coordination . sometimes she could hardly get off the ground . still , for all her awkward style , she actually ate up a lot of mileage doing it her way . taking a running start , she jumped and landed on a fence pole . not very high , but she had n't wiped out or impaled herself on the barbed wire . she made it to the top of a garage next , landing on all fours , as was her habit . she headed down the street behind the cars . the first vehicle turned left . keeping it in sight by following the dust cloud behind it , she cut across a field , going from fence pole to telephone pole and the odd rooftop again to gain enough height for viewing vantage . her knees slammed hard on the next rooftop and she damn near banged her chin on the roof tiles as she fell forward . she 'd end up covered in bruises if she did n't get the hang of this quickly . taking a breather , she studied the area where the vehicles drove past . it was n't exactly the ritzy part of town . more like a middle class area . mostly human residences , not vampire accommodation . at the far end . frowning , she watched as they drove into the large estate with an oversized mansion surrounded by trees and a black iron fence . the gated entrance closed and locked behind them . the mansion was barely distinguishable among the trees . with effort , tessa made it to the top of the neighboring house , groaning at yet another awkward landing . why had she worn boots with heels ? and why the hell had n't she driven ?	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342], ["escalade", 354], ["recognition", 368], ["slam", 376], ["slammed", 376], ["study", 400], ["studied", 400], ["two", 408], ["twos", 408], ["vehicle", 417], ["vehicled", 417], ["vehicles", 417], ["familiar", 438], ["feeling", 446], ["surround", 457], ["surrounded", 457], ["car", 465], ["sure", 474], ["vehicle", 494], ["vehicled", 494], ["nitro", 502], ["accord", 514], ["according", 514], ["name", 526], ["side", 538], ["sidest", 538], ["drive", 554], ["driven", 554], ["man", 576], ["mans", 576], ["manned", 576], ["men", 576], ["attack", 592], ["attacked", 592], ["stride", 609], ["stridden", 609], ["back", 621], ["commit", 641], ["committed", 641], ["license", 653], ["plate", 659], ["plating", 659], ["memory", 669], ["memories", 669], ["know", 688], ["knowest", 688], ["information", 728], ["anything", 742], ["hear", 758], ["hears", 758], ["heard", 758], ["friend", 775], ["friends", 775], ["run", 789], ["running", 789], ["plate", 796], ["plating", 796], ["plates", 796], ["study", 816], ["studying", 816], ["area", 825], ["around", 832], ["see", 846], ["saw", 846], ["small", 852], ["group", 859], ["groups", 859], ["people", 869], ["hash", 877], ["hashed", 877], ["hashing", 877], ["gossip", 898], ["gossiped", 898], ["try", 910], ["tryed", 910], ["tried", 910], ["peer", 918], ["inside", 925], ["chance", 955], ["chanced", 955], ["chancing", 955], ["may", 972], ["mays", 972], ["mayest", 972], ["might", 972], ["heavily", 996], ["tint", 1003], ["tinting", 1003], ["tinted", 1003], ["window", 1011], ["windows", 1011], ["hides", 1015], ["hid", 1015], ["everything", 1026], ["even", 1033], ["evens", 1033], ["vampire", 1045], ["vision", 1052], ["show", 1064], ["showed", 1064], ["shadowy", 1076], ["seat", 1082], ["seats", 1082], ["space", 1101], ["spaced", 1101], ["spacing", 1101], ["spaces", 1101], ["frustrate", 1127], ["frustrated", 1127], ["surely", 1166], ["come", 1185], ["tonight", 1215], ["follow", 1239], ["home", 1249], ["homing", 1249], ["stash", 1275], ["stashed", 1275], ["close", 1281], ["groan", 1295], ["groans", 1295], ["groanest", 1295], ["groaning", 1295], ["groanings", 1295], ["sat", 1305], ["sit", 1305], ["cement", 1317], ["cemented", 1317], ["block", 1323], ["blocks", 1323], ["front", 1332], ["bury", 1356], ["burying", 1356], ["buried", 1356], ["head", 1365], ["arm", 1377], ["arms", 1377], ["approach", 1391], ["approaches", 1391], ["approaching", 1391], ["footstep", 1401], ["footsteps", 1401], ["lower", 1425], ["lowers", 1425], ["lowerest", 1425], ["first", 1442], ["firstest", 1442], ["voice", 1448], ["cut", 1452], ["air", 1474], ["airs", 1474], ["airing", 1474], ["cleanly", 1482], ["second", 1515], ["seconded", 1515], ["guttural", 1524], ["hung", 1535], ["hang", 1535], ["hangs", 1535], ["heavy", 1541], ["heavies", 1541], ["heavier", 1541], ["thick", 1551], ["thickest", 1551], ["check", 1573], ["guest", 1587], ["guestest", 1587], ["guests", 1587], ["hunt", 1604], ["hunting", 1604], ["huntest", 1604], ["man", 1623], ["mans", 1623], ["manned", 1623], ["skin", 1651], ["crawl", 1657], ["crawled", 1657], ["laugh", 1679], ["laughed", 1679], ["know", 1694], ["knowest", 1694], ["knew", 1694], ["never", 1707], ["forget", 1714], ["forgot", 1714], ["voice", 1727], ["voices", 1727], ["ever", 1732], ["everest", 1732], ["slid", 1743], ["behind", 1756], ["willing", 1776], ["invisible", 1794], ["think", 1809], ["thinkest", 1809], ["track", 1825], ["take", 1841], ["chance", 1872], ["chanced", 1872], ["chancing", 1872], ["chances", 1872], ["good", 1881], ["injure", 1901], ["injures", 1901], ["injured", 1901], ["value", 1920], ["besides", 1930], ["weird", 1958], ["female", 1987], ["probably", 2005], ["ready", 2011], ["bedlam", 2022], ["bedlams", 2022], ["see", 2057], ["go", 2082], ["goest", 2082], ["going", 2082], ["believe", 2093], ["uprising", 2116], ["shuffle", 2133], ["shuffling", 2133], ["shuffled", 2133], ["sight", 2154], ["sighted", 2154], ["confront", 2168], ["confronting", 2168], ["bad", 2182], ["ass", 2188], ["asses", 2188], ["part", 2201], ["parting", 2201], ["plan", 2213], ["go", 2254], ["goest", 2254], ["track", 2280], ["tracked", 2280], ["limit", 2316], ["limited", 2316], ["need", 2353], ["needest", 2353], ["needed", 2353], ["right", 2359], ["rightest", 2359], ["asshole", 2398], ["assholes", 2398], ["alone", 2404], ["fire", 2431], ["fired", 2431], ["follow", 2445], ["followed", 2445], ["drive", 2494], ["driving", 2494], ["stay", 2523], ["stayed", 2523], ["huddle", 2531], ["huddled", 2531], ["ball", 2541], ["glare", 2557], ["headlight", 2571], ["headlights", 2571], ["reverse", 2610], ["reversed", 2610], ["head", 2621], ["headed", 2621], ["stood", 2648], ["stand", 2648], ["standest", 2648], ["watch", 2663], ["watched", 2663], ["direction", 2677], ["drive", 2688], ["drove", 2688], ["away", 2695], ["town", 2705], ["learn", 2731], ["learnt", 2731], ["learns", 2731], ["learned", 2731], ["glide", 2740], ["oh", 2745], ["everyone", 2770], ["hard", 2797], ["swear", 2812], ["sweared", 2812], ["sworn", 2812], ["try", 2825], ["tryed", 2825], ["really", 2844], ["wish", 2851], ["wished", 2851], ["hard", 2871], ["skill", 2884], ["handy", 2909], ["dad", 2935], ["master", 2948], ["glider", 2955], ["move", 2966], ["moved", 2966], ["smoothly", 2978], ["float", 2989], ["floated", 2989], ["sky", 3005], ["cody", 3012], ["father", 3027], ["fathered", 3027], ["fathering", 3027], ["flier", 3039], ["fliers", 3039], ["manage", 3065], ["half", 3078], ["crab", 3083], ["crabs", 3083], ["crabbed", 3083], ["jump", 3098], ["jumps", 3098], ["jumping", 3098], ["movement", 3107], ["gawky", 3123], ["look", 3133], ["looking", 3133], ["limb", 3156], ["limbs", 3156], ["coordination", 3177], ["hardly", 3206], ["get", 3210], ["ground", 3225], ["still", 3233], ["awkward", 3255], ["style", 3261], ["eat", 3280], ["ate", 3280], ["mileage", 3300], ["way", 3317], ["ways", 3317], ["take", 3326], ["taking", 3326], ["start", 3342], ["jump", 3355], ["jumps", 3355], ["jumped", 3355], ["land", 3366], ["landed", 3366], ["fence", 3377], ["pole", 3382], ["poles", 3382], ["high", 3398], ["wipe", 3422], ["wiped", 3422], ["impale", 3437], ["impales", 3437], ["impaled", 3437], ["wire", 3464], ["top", 3489], ["garage", 3501], ["next", 3506], ["land", 3516], ["landing", 3516], ["four", 3529], ["fours", 3529], ["habit", 3548], ["habiting", 3548], ["street", 3577], ["car", 3593], ["cars", 3593], ["turn", 3620], ["turned", 3620], ["left", 3625], ["keep", 3635], ["keepest", 3635], ["keeping", 3635], ["follow", 3660], ["following", 3660], ["dust", 3669], ["dusting", 3669], ["cloud", 3675], ["clouded", 3675], ["across", 3702], ["field", 3710], ["fielding", 3710], ["telephone", 3747], ["odd", 3764], ["rooftop", 3772], ["gain", 3786], ["enough", 3793], ["height", 3800], ["heights", 3800], ["view", 3812], ["viewest", 3812], ["viewing", 3812], ["vantage", 3820], ["knee", 3832], ["knees", 3832], ["damn", 3878], ["damned", 3878], ["near", 3883], ["bang", 3890], ["banged", 3890], ["chin", 3899], ["roof", 3911], ["roofs", 3911], ["roofing", 3911], ["tile", 3917], ["tiles", 3917], ["forward", 3937], ["forwardest", 3937], ["forwarding", 3937], ["end", 3950], ["ends", 3950], ["endest", 3950], ["cover", 3961], ["covered", 3961], ["bruise", 3972], ["bruises", 3972], ["hung", 4000], ["hang", 4000], ["hangs", 4000], ["quickly", 4016], ["breather", 4036], ["past", 4089], ["exactly", 4110], ["ritzy", 4120], ["middle", 4154], ["middles", 4154], ["middling", 4154], ["class", 4160], ["classing", 4160], ["classest", 4160], ["mostly", 4174], ["human", 4180], ["residence", 4191], ["residences", 4191], ["accommodation", 4219], ["far", 4232], ["frown", 4247], ["frowns", 4247], ["estate", 4297], ["mansion", 4323], ["tree", 4343], ["treed", 4343], ["treeing", 4343], ["trees", 4343], ["iron", 4360], ["gate", 4378], ["gates", 4378], ["gated", 4378], ["entrance", 4387], ["entrancing", 4387], ["close", 4394], ["closed", 4394], ["lock", 4405], ["locked", 4405], ["barely", 4442], ["distinguishable", 4458], ["among", 4464], ["effort", 4488], ["neighboring", 4534], ["house", 4540], ["yet", 4558], ["another", 4566], ["wear", 4601], ["worn", 4601], ["boot", 4607], ["boots", 4607], ["heel", 4618], ["heeled", 4618], ["heels", 4618], ["hell", 4637], ["hells", 4637]]
trick puts his arm around her and tells her , `` coz you know i 'd be happy to help . '' she flashes a huge grin and says , `` yep . at least twice a week . sorry guys but sometimes you just need to please yourself . '' the guys groan in agony . mimi asks , `` lola , who was the first guy you let touch your boobs ? '' lola looks up and thinks hard . she tells us , `` i think i was fifteen and barely had any boobs . it was my cousin 's best friend frankie , he was sixteen and he gave me my first kiss and went in for a feelski . i did n't mind though 'coz he was hot . '' she looks around the table . `` meanwhile , i saw him at church the other week . he was sporting a bald head and a pot belly ! so lucky i did n't end up with him . trick , have you ever peed in a pool ? '' trick leans back in his chair with a goofy grin and says , `` yep ! just the other day at the gym . '' we all scoff in disgust and he defends himself with , `` it do n't matter , all the chemicals kill the pee ! max , what was the worst pick up line you ever used and did it work ? '' max smiles and says , '' i told a girl once i 'd lost my bed and asked if i could borrow hers . she was n't the sharpest tool in the shed . but i did get laid that night . '' we all boo and hiss . max looks right at me and asks , `` teeny tina , have you ever watched porn ? '' crap on a biscuit ! i- uh . '' i cover my face with my hands and nod . i hear everyone laugh and can feel nik 's arm tighten around my body shaking . i drop my hands and turn my flushed face and bright red neck to ghost . `` ghost , what kind of underwear are you wearing ? '' ghost smirks at me and answers quietly , `` i would tell you if i were wearin ' any . '' the girls whoop and the guys groan . he just smiles and asks , `` lola , what 's the strangest name someone 's asked to call you in bed ? '' lola 's shoulders shake with silent laughter and she replies , `` there was a guy who called me puppy and wanted me to bark like a dog . '' her body shakes and tears fall down her smiling face . `` i did n't like him enough to put up with that shit . '' lola looks at trick with a shy smile and asks , `` trick , what do you find most sexy in a woman ? '' he looks up at her with a slow smile . it 's a genuine smile and says softly , `` i 'm not sure , little lola . look in a mirror and let me know . '' we all whoop and lola blushes as red as a tomato . trick looks at nik and smirks , `` what 's the fastest you 've ever come ? '' nik chuckles and says , `` i think the first time i ever had sex i lasted about twenty seconds . '' we 're all in hysterics . nik interrupts our laughter with , `` i 'd like to let everyone know i 've vastly improved since then ! '' nik tugs my hair and i 'm afraid to look at him . i know i 'm next . he asks , `` tina , how many men have you slept with ? '' the whole table quiets down and my girls send me sympathetic smiles . i clear my throat and answer , `` i 've only ever slept with one guy . and it was a while ago . '' i feel nik 's body still against me . max looks shocked but continues to probe , `` well then that question 's not valid . when is the last time you had sex ? '' thirty seconds pass and i hold up my hand extending my thumb and all my fingers . max looks at my hand and says , `` five months ? nat shifts in her chair . lola looks at the table . mimi shoots me an apologetic look . i whisper , `` f- five years . '' i feel nik 's body stiffen . and i think i saw a tumble weed roll past . max whispers loudly , `` no fuckin ' way ! '' he leans closer to me and asks , `` how are you not masturbating at the table right now ? ! you must have a will of steel . that 's amazing , babe . '' he sounds respectful . ahh , thanks max . i avoid the shocked stares of the guys and sympathetic smiles of the girls . i shrug and ask , `` anyone need a fresh drink ? i certainly do . '' before anyone can answer i walk over to the bar and order another cherry bomb . i 'm stumbling slightly and feeling loose . i 'm tipsy and it feels good . i walk back to the booth . trick and ghost have left to do some work . nat has gone to the bathroom .	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["frankie", 458], ["sixteen", 475], ["sixteens", 475], ["give", 487], ["gave", 487], ["kiss", 504], ["kisses", 504], ["kissest", 504], ["go", 513], ["goest", 513], ["went", 513], ["mind", 547], ["minding", 547], ["though", 554], ["hot", 570], ["table", 602], ["tabled", 602], ["tabling", 602], ["meanwhile", 617], ["see", 625], ["saw", 625], ["church", 639], ["churching", 639], ["sport", 672], ["sporting", 672], ["bald", 679], ["balds", 679], ["balded", 679], ["balding", 679], ["head", 684], ["pot", 694], ["belly", 700], ["bellied", 700], ["lucky", 711], ["end", 725], ["ends", 725], ["endest", 725], ["ever", 761], ["everest", 761], ["peed", 766], ["pool", 776], ["lean", 793], ["leans", 793], ["back", 798], ["chair", 811], ["chairing", 811], ["goofy", 824], ["day", 868], ["gym", 879], ["gyms", 879], ["scoff", 897], ["scoffs", 897], ["scoffed", 897], ["disgust", 908], ["disgusted", 908], ["defend", 923], ["defends", 923], ["matter", 958], ["mattering", 958], ["chemical", 978], ["chemicals", 978], ["kill", 983], ["pee", 991], ["pees", 991], ["peeing", 991], ["max", 997], ["bad", 1018], ["worst", 1018], ["pick", 1023], ["line", 1031], ["use", 1045], ["used", 1045], ["work", 1061], ["wrought", 1061], ["smile", 1077], ["smiles", 1077], ["tell", 1098], ["told", 1098], ["girl", 1105], ["lose", 1120], ["lost", 1120], ["bed", 1127], ["ask", 1137], ["asked", 1137], ["borrow", 1155], ["borrowest", 1155], ["sharp", 1187], ["sharps", 1187], ["tool", 1192], ["shed", 1204], ["get", 1220], ["lay", 1225], ["lays", 1225], ["layed", 1225], ["layest", 1225], ["laid", 1225], ["night", 1236], ["boo", 1252], ["boos", 1252], ["booed", 1252], ["hiss", 1261], ["right", 1279], ["rightest", 1279], ["teeny", 1305], ["tina", 1310], ["watch", 1334], ["watched", 1334], ["porn", 1339], ["crap", 1349], ["crapped", 1349], ["biscuit", 1362], ["uh", 1370], ["cover", 1383], ["face", 1391], ["hand", 1405], ["hands", 1405], ["nod", 1413], ["hear", 1422], ["hears", 1422], ["everyone", 1431], ["laugh", 1437], ["feel", 1450], ["nik", 1454], ["tighten", 1469], ["tightens", 1469], ["tightenest", 1469], ["body", 1484], ["bodied", 1484], ["shake", 1492], ["shaking", 1492], ["drop", 1501], ["turn", 1519], ["bright", 1546], ["brights", 1546], ["red", 1550], ["neck", 1555], ["necked", 1555], ["ghost", 1564], ["kind", 1587], ["underwear", 1600], ["wear", 1616], ["wearing", 1616], ["smirk", 1634], ["smirks", 1634], ["answer", 1652], ["answeres", 1652], ["answerest", 1652], ["answers", 1652], ["quietly", 1660], ["tell", 1678], ["girl", 1720], ["girls", 1720], ["whoop", 1726], ["whooping", 1726], ["strange", 1805], ["strangest", 1805], ["name", 1810], ["call", 1835], ["shoulder", 1869], ["shouldered", 1869], ["shoulders", 1869], ["shake", 1875], ["silent", 1887], ["laughter", 1896], ["reply", 1912], ["call", 1944], ["called", 1944], ["puppy", 1953], ["bark", 1975], ["barked", 1975], ["barking", 1975], ["like", 1980], ["dog", 1986], ["shake", 2007], ["shakes", 2007], ["tear", 2017], ["teared", 2017], ["tears", 2017], ["fall", 2022], ["falls", 2022], ["smile", 2039], ["smiling", 2039], ["enough", 2075], ["put", 2082], ["shit", 2100], ["shy", 2136], ["shying", 2136], ["smile", 2142], ["find", 2181], ["sexy", 2191], ["woman", 2202], ["womans", 2202], ["slow", 2238], ["genuine", 2262], ["softly", 2284], ["sure", 2303], ["little", 2312], ["look", 2324], ["mirror", 2336], ["tomato", 2406], ["tomatos", 2406], ["fast", 2463], ["fastest", 2463], ["come", 2481], ["time", 2536], ["sex", 2551], ["last", 2560], ["lasted", 2560], ["twenty", 2573], ["second", 2581], ["seconded", 2581], ["seconds", 2581], ["hysteric", 2610], ["hysterics", 2610], ["interrupt", 2627], ["interruptest", 2627], ["interrupts", 2627], ["vastly", 2694], ["improve", 2703], ["improved", 2703], ["since", 2709], ["tug", 2728], ["tugging", 2728], ["tugs", 2728], ["hair", 2736], ["afraid", 2752], ["next", 2786], ["many", 2817], ["man", 2821], ["mans", 2821], ["manned", 2821], ["men", 2821], ["slept", 2836], 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he just turned and went to his tent alone , trying to get the carnal images of her out of his head . *** fiona had n't expected z to proclaim his undying love or anything . as he 'd said before , he was n't that guy . she was n't sure what she 'd expected , but she 'd expected something . or was she naive for thinking it did ? so she 'd been kidnapped and he 'd been part of the group sent in to rescue her . did that obligate him to start dating her ? propose marriage ? ask for panther babies ? she needed to stop watching romantic comedies and get a grip on reality . after daria dropped them off in the golatha falls forest , the tension between them grew higher . there were n't any distractions left . no patching up his wounds , no demon buffer , no wolf pup buffer . just the two of them in the forest with nothing but the crickets and hooting owls to keep them company . z had left his motorcycle near the portal opening . it was a miracle it was still there . he wordlessly handed the helmet to fiona and got on . she was glad to have the helmet , and the noise of the motorcycle so he could n't see or hear her crying . yes , damnit . she wanted to live with him in his cave and wake up with him every morning . why could n't he want the same thing ? it was n't a stupid thing to want . she just wanted to be normal for a change . but she could leave the cottage now . after being kidnapped and carted across the country by car and plane and spending time with therians and vampires and dodging magic from other magic users , a bit of bravery had edged its way in . she had n't kicked asses , but she 'd survived . knowing she could survive something like that changed everything . so she 'd leave the house and find a guy . she 'd date like a regular person . maybe she 'd learn more magic . a whole world waited for her . as the motorcycle zipped through the woods , zigging and zagging around trees , fiona took deep breaths to stop the tears . she was n't going to have him seeing her cry again . he came to get her . maybe that made them friends . not really , but she had to make herself believe it so she could be composed by the time they got back to her place . the motorcycle stopped in front of her door fifteen minutes later . `` well , i guess this is you , '' z said . she wanted to punch him in his wounded shoulder . it would n't hurt much since he was mostly healed , but it would make her feel a hell of a lot better . well , i guess this is you ? was he merely her taxi ? thanks for coming after me . '' fiona wished she knew more magic . she 'd zap him off his motorcycle and into the dirt . then she 'd kick him in the head . be more clinical , z . not like we slept together or anything . not like we shared a moment or ten . he walked her to her door , and they stood awkward for a few minutes until he wished her a good night , said he 'd call her , and disappeared into the forest on his bike . sure he 'd call her . that was manspeak for `` if i 'm lucky i 'll never bump into you again for another uncomfortable moment like this . '' fiona went inside and slammed the door behind her . she tried not to think about how empty the house was , how everything was just over . she would leave first thing in the morning and go into town . she would go to a coffee shop or a diner or something and make a friend or acquaintance . she 'd mingle with the living , 3-d people . she logged into her email client to find about ten emails from work , all wondering why she had n't logged in and that something serious better have happened . she zipped off an email lying about a terrible bout of the flu . no way would they buy the real story . an hour later , when her job was once again secure , she settled in on the couch for a movie . a knock startled her out of the romantic ending . she put her popcorn on the coffee table and warily went to the door . she was n't going to just fling it open this time . she was going to be smart . `` it 's z . '' hope and anger warred inside her . she opened the door , trying and failing to force a mask of indifference on her face . he held out a purple shirt . `` you left your shirt at my place . '' she took the clothing and turned to lay it on the table in the entryway . a hand came over her mouth , a strong smell , and darkness . fiona felt fuzzy when she opened her eyes . it took a few moments for her vision to clear . she was in the cave with z . her books and most of her things were stacked neatly in the living area . z prowled around her in his panther way .	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i do n't have time to object before she straightens herself and pulls me into the garage . smooth sailing so far . we climb into her car , and she peels out of the driveway . i give her a look of disbelief as she curls her fingers tighter around the steering wheel , focusing on the road . are you not supposed to be going out or something ? you know how my dad is . always so nosy . she furrows her brows , probably thinking of past conversations . we drive in silence the rest of the way . i spend half the time staring out the window at the passing houses and businesses , and the other half looking at my own reflection . i look so pale . that could be because of my nervousness . there 's a pit in my stomach filled with butterflies that are moving around , anxiously waiting to take flight . it will happen the moment we pull up in front of the mansion . they only grow more restless the closer we get . we pull into crestwind , the neighborhood where all the rich people in the city live . the houses get larger the further into the neighborhood we go , grander and more spaced out , with vast lawns and immaculate landscaping . finally , we reach a sprawl of curb-parked cars . let me do all the talking , ethel says as she swings into a space between a porsche and a mercedes . as i look at the row of expensive cars in front of us , i wonder if we should create stripper names . do n't strippers usually use car makes for their stage names ? i want to ask , but some of the butterflies have taken flight and drifted up towards my throat , rendering me speechless . they make me brain-dead . i 'll have to rely on ethel to get us through this . and if it fails . i ca n't help but wonder what the consequences will be . ethel opens her car door , motioning out with her head before she follows it . i take a deep breath and step into the heat of summer . ethel clicks the automatic door locks , and i look back at the car as we walk towards the house . in the line of expensive cars , hers seems only slightly out of place . once we get in sight of security , ethel straightens herself and takes the lead . the security guy is huge , at least seven feet tall and muscular enough to scare any fully grown man . he looks intimidating , his dark beady eyes baring down on us without so much as a smile . he says plainly , staring at ethel without emotion . we 're the strippers , she replies with confidence . i knew her stupid plan would n't work . we should just leave now . ethel is n't giving up . she pulls her purse over her shoulder and rummages through it for one of the fake cards . once she 's found it , she hands it over to him . he flips the card over in his hand , analyzing it . then he looks ethel up and down before his eyes move to me . when he sees what i 'm wearing , he smirks . i look like an angel standing next to the devil . the sweet to ethel 's sexy . he hands the card back . relief rushes through me as we head into the house , though it 's quickly replaced with near debilitating social anxiety at the sheer number of people here . this is n't a party like anything i 've ever seen before . most of the guest list is male , and most of them are wearing business suits . ethel and i look completely out of place . we stand in the grand foyer for several minutes soaking in the scene . if ethel has ever smiled broader , i ca n't remember a time . this is exactly what she wanted , and i helped her to get it . she turns to me with a grin . not as nice as staying home . well , thanks for helping me get in . i 'll meet you right here at 2am or whenever the party is over . are you seriously planning on staying that long ? you know i have to work tomorrow night . live a little , sarah , she tells me as she backs into the crowd , waving at me as if she just got one over on me . when she disappears into the sea of people , i start looking for somewhere to sit where i wo n't be noticed . luckily , there 's lots of seating . chairs everywhere , but really no place out of the way . i eventually find a wall to lean against that 's kind of away from everyone . it 's the best hiding spot i 'll find , but still not good enough . waiters keep coming by and asking me if i want food or something to drink . while i am hungry , i 'd feel bad taking food that 's not meant for me , so i respectfully decline . by about the fifth time one of the waiters comes up to , the glasses of champagne they carry on their platters are starting to look really good .	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3112], ["everest", 3112], ["see", 3117], ["seen", 3117], ["guest", 3144], ["guestest", 3144], ["list", 3149], ["male", 3157], ["males", 3157], ["business", 3197], ["suit", 3203], ["suited", 3203], ["suits", 3203], ["completely", 3233], ["stood", 3257], ["stand", 3257], ["standest", 3257], ["grand", 3270], ["foyer", 3276], ["several", 3288], ["minute", 3296], ["minutes", 3296], ["soak", 3304], ["soaks", 3304], ["soaking", 3304], ["scene", 3317], ["smile", 3344], ["smiled", 3344], ["broad", 3352], ["broads", 3352], ["remember", 3372], ["rememberest", 3372], ["exactly", 3397], ["help", 3428], ["helpest", 3428], ["helped", 3428], ["turn", 3454], ["turns", 3454], ["grin", 3472], ["nice", 3486], ["stay", 3497], ["staying", 3497], ["home", 3502], ["homing", 3502], ["well", 3509], ["wells", 3509], ["thank", 3518], ["thanks", 3518], ["thankest", 3518], ["help", 3530], ["helpest", 3530], ["helping", 3530], ["meet", 3553], ["meeted", 3553], ["right", 3563], ["rightest", 3563], ["whenever", 3587], 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i heard a thud as it hit the ground , and i sucked in a steadying breath . everyone would be mad , but this was something i needed . probably , but i just wanted to breathe again , and i could n't do it here . still questioning my resolve , i went to the window and started climbing down the shaky , weak lattice that stretched the full length of the house . the vines that grew in between the gaps were wet and made it slippery . i inched my way down , carefully and cautiously moving before the creaks grew too loud . then , when i only had five feet left to go , the slippery vines bested me , forcing me to lose my grip and fall the rest of the way . my arms whipped wildly and uselessly in the air , as if i could take flight and spare myself the impending slam . it did n't even slow me down . my side pounded the ground with too much force . a grunt was forced through my lips , and a gasping wheeze followed as i strained for a new breath . after a minute , i was breathing normally again , and the pain dulled . i scowled at the wicked lattice and vicious vines . `` this night is just freaking wonderful , '' i griped to myself while heaving my protesting body upright . i picked up my bags and threw them in my car . fortunately , i was n't blocked in , and i kept my lights off until i reached the end of the driveway . i was glad my car was so quiet . and with so many coming and going , they never even noticed the car cranking . i turned on my lights and headed toward the airport . this had been the worst week of my life . i needed comfort and warmth . i was sick of the snow and the cold . i was sick of the magic . i was sick of the lies i had believed to be truths , and all of the rules disguised to seem arbitrary , when they actually held such severe consequences . i was tired of learning about all the ways magic could ruin my life before i could even use it . i was exhausted from constantly being confused and feeling like i had just moved to another planet . i could n't rest or relax anywhere there . i was tired of being hunted down by the dramians ... i called them dramians . it was n't comforting to feel like a trophy someone wished to hang above a mantle . i wanted to go to the one place that made sense . i knew everyone would be worried , but i was taking precautions . i had grabbed some of the talismans that helped to block my scent for the times i was n't in my car . i also grabbed the vial of stripping potion . iris told me once that it was a special concoction that would strip you of your scent for up to four days . i would wait until i got to the airport before i took it . she said it could n't be made anymore because the main ingredient was extinct . it was for emergency purposes only . i felt bad for taking it , but i had to go . as far as i was concerned , this was an emergency . i 'd left a note telling them where i 'd gone , and told them i would be back before the four days were up . i knew they 'd still be worried , but i had to go . i needed to feel peace again . and i could n't get that anywhere but my rainforest . i reached the airport with two hours to spare . i turned up the protective concoction and cringed as i drank it down - or forced it down , rather . `` oh my damn ! '' it was a slimy , wretched , foul tasting monstrosity , and it lingered , refusing to leave my mouth completely . the slimy film covered my tongue , my teeth , and my gums . i wanted a toothbrush . `` it sure as hell better work after going through that , '' i murmured to myself while grabbing my bag . i locked my car and headed inside the airport , ready to escape . chapter 16 home to haluali sometimes you spend your whole life looking back , and then you stop moving forward until it is too late . `` now boarding flight 151 to brazil . '' the loudspeaker snapped me out of the catnap i had been taking . i got up and wheeled my small bag over to the stand to hand in my ticket . the lady warily examined my stolen identification and my ticket , skeptically glancing from the photo to me . i knew ash and i favored , but we did n't look a lot a like . i was only seventeen though . i would have needed parental consent . i 'm sure jaslene would n't have agreed to that . alvin either . she handed me back my things , still regarding me skeptically , but a whoosh of air left my lungs when she motioned for me to board . the flight was long , but i slept for the majority of it , so i did n't mind it much . i woke up when i felt the plane landing .	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`` you listen here , you little twat . '' he stormed the few paces to her , but lance reacted quickly , stepping between them . ashley saw a meaty arm swing for her , but she danced backwards out of his reach . then her eyes flew open as she watched the smooth muscles ripple across lance 's back . in one powerful display of force , lance pressed the big man against the wall , leaving his toes to barely reach the ground . she 's not a perp . you wo n't lay a hand on her , '' lance growled , causing odd shivers to run through ashley . ox had stood up for her before , but it had never made her feel like this . the anger frightened her , but she was awed by his power and emotions . again , her respect grew another notch . a burn in hal 's eyes that looked strangely familiar . it was the same look her father got before he hit her . she inched backwards , pressing herself against the wall while holding the cuffs tightly in her small hands . her pulse sped up as lance relaxed , and she shook her head but could n't find the words of warning she needed . her breath caught in her throat as the feeling of unease grew within her . the hoarse shout came from the other direction . ox ! her heart skipped a beat as lance began to move toward her , to protect her , but hal moved first . lance was knocked violently forward , and ashley leaped out of the way . she landed in the middle of the path as lance sprawled behind her . the fat man grinned at her with a sadistic gleam in his eye that made her shudder , but now she had room to fight . she let her instincts take over and dropped into position , one hand releasing the cuff so the steel dangling free behind her . one shout came from behind her , the other from beyond hal . then the terrible clicking sound as two guns cocked simultaneously . her heart thundered in her chest , but hal noticed none of it . she let the void surround her , forced to deal with the threat directly in front of her . now she was a part of every brick , every leaf , every breath . it was the way ox taught her , to block out the world with all of her senses burning . hal lumbered toward her , and she moved to meet him , completing a spinning heel with a reverse knuckle punch , her foot catching him in the ribs as the cuffs slapped him across the face . she pulled back , regaining her bearings and saw hal stagger backwards , blood welling under one eye . before he could recover , she attacked again , afraid she would hear a gunshot echo through the ghost town . she felt the impact as her foot connected with his chin , a flawless ap-chagi , and she recoiled to watch him fall on his face , no longer part of the waking world . thinking quickly , she dropped to his body and cuffed his hands behind him , his wallet slipping easily into her quick fingers as she did so . she stood , intending to go to lance , but ox 's strong arms pulled her away . `` ashley , '' lance called , panic radiating in his voice . sweat trickled down her neck , and her head swam with dread . she had to stop him ! begging , she grabbed the thick arm that held the gun , unable to move him , but she refused to let go . `` please , craig . this is lance . '' the big man froze . no one called him craig . ashley was n't even sure anyone else knew ox 's real name , but he had confided in her . she used it without thinking , but suddenly hoped it conveyed how desperate the situation had become for her . his dark eyes stared down at her , and she begged again , `` please . '' not lea ? '' he whispered , a look of hurt flickering in his eyes . it hit her profoundly that she had never trusted her given name to him , even though he had trusted her . she tried to shrug it away . `` lea is my middle name , '' she lied to soften the blow . the hurt did n't fade from craig 's eyes . lance cleared his throat . she turned to see him standing a few paces away , the gun hanging loosely in his hand . when her eyes found craig 's again , he was no longer looking at her . `` take his gun , ashley , '' he said . the use of her given name sounded like an accusation , and she winced . she stepped toward lance , and he handed the gun to her without protest , though the worry was plain on his face . she held the heavy steel in her hands for a long moment , guilt welling inside her until she looked at lance again . his strong jaw , bright green eyes and tousled hair . somehow , she kept her eyes on his face instead of trailing down to his impressive bare chest .	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2214], ["punch", 2220], ["punching", 2220], ["foot", 2231], ["catch", 2240], ["catches", 2240], ["catched", 2240], ["catching", 2240], ["rib", 2256], ["ribs", 2256], ["slap", 2277], ["slaps", 2277], ["slapped", 2277], ["face", 2297], ["pull", 2310], ["pulled", 2310], ["regain", 2327], ["bearing", 2340], ["bearings", 2340], ["stagger", 2360], ["staggerest", 2360], ["blood", 2378], ["bloods", 2378], ["blooded", 2378], ["recover", 2426], ["attack", 2441], ["attacked", 2441], ["afraid", 2456], ["hear", 2471], ["hears", 2471], ["gunshot", 2481], ["echo", 2486], ["echoed", 2486], ["ghost", 2504], ["town", 2509], ["feel", 2520], ["felt", 2520], ["impact", 2531], ["connect", 2553], ["connectest", 2553], ["connected", 2553], ["chin", 2567], ["flawless", 2580], ["ap", 2583], ["recoil", 2608], ["recoils", 2608], ["recoilest", 2608], ["recoiled", 2608], ["watch", 2617], ["fall", 2626], ["falls", 2626], ["long", 2650], ["longs", 2650], ["wake", 2669], ["wakes", 2669], ["woken", 2669], ["waking", 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["somehow", 4405], ["keep", 4416], ["keepest", 4416], ["kept", 4416], ["instead", 4445], ["trail", 4457], ["trailing", 4457], ["impressive", 4480], ["bare", 4485]]
`` teague wagered that you 'd toss eveline from your chamber come morn . i knew you would n't , '' she said smugly . he sent them both dark looks . `` i 'm so happy to have provided you both with entertainment . '' `` 't is your bed to lie in now that you 've made it , '' teague said. `` 't is none of your concern , '' graeme said in an icy voice . teague rose , irritation etched on his face . `` i 'll be in the courtyard sparring if you decide to find your missing cods and come join us . '' graeme decided on the spot that his first session would be with teague and he 'd teach his younger brother a lesson about respect . eveline woke and for a moment had no recollection of where she was . she was n't in her own chamber in her own bed . none of the smells were familiar . it took her a moment to clear the cobwebs from her mind and remember that she was married and was lying in her new husband 's bed in his chamber-a room she 'd invaded without gaining his permission . but he had n't awakened her to throw her out , so perhaps he was n't angry over it . the fact of the matter was , she 'd felt desperately alone and isolated in the chamber he 'd given her . and while he might be her clan 's enemy , he 'd been kind to her-the only montgomery who 'd been remotely gentle with her . rorie had been helpful , though eveline was n't certain what graeme 's sister 's motives had been . there 'd been mischief in her eyes when she 'd agreed to help eveline move her belongings . as she shoved the covers aside , a cool draft fell over her and she shivered . but as she turned , warmth greeted her and she realized that a fire had been started in the hearth . judging by the height and blaze of the flames , the fire had n't been started very long ago . graeme must have had someone light it for her so she would n't be cold when she rose . a man who 'd show that kind of consideration to his enemy 's daughter could n't be all bad , could he ? nothing she 'd seen thus far told her that she was in any danger with graeme montgomery . he was n't happy about the arrangement-who could blame him ? but he had n't misused her or shown her ill treatment . never before would she have considered that a montgomery could be noble and just , but graeme seemed destined to change her opinion on that matter . she wandered closer to the hearth and stuck out her hands to warm her cold fingertips . once sufficiently baked , she turned to find suitable clothing for the day . at home , she would n't have given the matter much thought . here , she was suddenly fretting over whether she should leave her hair down or braid it and whether she should wear her plain , simple dress or one prettier . what would graeme expect of his wife ? she frowned when she realized she had no idea what his expectations were . he did n't seem to have any , other than to put her away and perhaps go on with his normal activities . perhaps that was why he 'd arranged for her to have a separate chamber . she opted for something plain . the last thing she wanted was for the montgomery clansmen to think she was uppity and putting on airs . she 'd noted the dress of the other women of the keep , and most wore very basic work apparel . after dressing , she began brushing her hair . it was a chore because the long ride to the montgomery holding had resulted in having windblown hair and she had n't brushed it before going to sleep the night before . she worked the knots from the strands and then began to braid it by pulling it over her shoulder . she perched on the bench closest to the fire as she worked on her hair , but a moment later , she felt the presence of someone else . her skin prickled in awareness and she hastily glanced up to see rorie in the doorway . she smiled , not knowing if rorie had already said anything to her . then she motioned her forward . in that moment , she was intensely glad to see the other lass . the isolation of graeme 's chamber was overwhelming and yet she lacked the courage to go below stairs on her own . the looks from graeme 's kin were still fresh in her mind . `` good morn , eveline , '' rorie said . she smiled hesitantly at eveline as she spoke , and eveline smiled back , wanting to encourage any conversation rorie might strike up . `` so , are you planning to stay above stairs all day ? '' eveline frowned , uncertain of the point of the question . `` graeme thought you might be hungry . you had little to eat yesterday . '' eveline gave a slight nod .	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["hearth", 1664], ["judge", 1674], ["judging", 1674], ["height", 1688], ["heights", 1688], ["blaze", 1698], ["blazed", 1698], ["flame", 1712], ["flames", 1712], ["long", 1754], ["longs", 1754], ["ago", 1758], ["must", 1772], ["musts", 1772], ["lit", 1795], ["light", 1795], ["cold", 1831], ["man", 1853], ["mans", 1853], ["manned", 1853], ["show", 1865], ["consideration", 1892], ["daughter", 1917], ["bad", 1938], ["nothing", 1959], ["see", 1971], ["seen", 1971], ["thus", 1976], ["far", 1980], ["tell", 1985], ["told", 1985], ["danger", 2016], ["arrangement", 2080], ["blame", 2096], ["blamest", 2096], ["misuse", 2125], ["misusing", 2125], ["misused", 2125], ["show", 2138], ["shown", 2138], ["ill", 2146], ["ills", 2146], ["illest", 2146], ["treatment", 2156], ["never", 2164], ["consider", 2197], ["considered", 2197], ["noble", 2230], ["seem", 2259], ["seeming", 2259], ["seemed", 2259], ["destine", 2268], ["destined", 2268], ["change", 2278], ["opinion", 2290], ["wander", 2320], ["wandered", 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they 'd been a good match-partly because bethanne had always been content to remain in the background , his silent partner in more ways than one . his smile was electric , transforming his entire face . as he started toward her , she was reminded of his ability to make people feel they were the sole focus of his attention . over the years , she 'd heard many of his colleagues talk about his charisma and its effect on clients . he obviously still had it . ruth spotted her son before he reached bethanne and pulled him over to make introductions . grant caught her eye and winked , but when the three couples sat down together , he was trapped on the other side of the table . after sharing a bottle of wine , they all left for dinner at the restaurant beside the hotel . the ocean grill boasted an interesting assortment of wrought iron , stained glass and other collectibles . while they were being seated at their table next to the window , grant wangled a seat next to bethanne . outside , the surf roared against the sand and groups of tourists walked the beach , waves crashing at their feet . bethanne felt grant 's hand touch hers beneath the table . `` i 've missed you , '' he murmured . she gave him a fleeting smile but kept her eyes on the menu . the truth was , he 'd been in her thoughts more than she wanted to admit . despite her reservations , his familiar presence brought back the glow of happier times . grant slipped comfortably into his role as father and son-something that max , for all his intensity , could never do . she studied him as he chatted effortlessly with royce and ruth , full of high spirits and completely at ease . grant was family , and that was difficult to ignore or dismiss . the wine flowed as the evening progressed , and bethanne relaxed . at royce 's urging , she ordered the pompano with apricot sauce and found it outstanding . as was typical , grant and annie both ordered the same entree-the stone crab claws-which they ate with gusto . after dinner annie and craig went for a walk along the beach . royce and ruth did , too , leaving grant and bethanne alone at the table . bethanne stirred her coffee , suddenly self-conscious . `` i brought you something , '' grant said . `` from seattle ? '' he reached inside his dinner jacket and took out a small wrapped package . `` you do n't need to buy me gifts , '' she protested , although she could n't suppress her curiosity . grant had always been a generous and original gift-giver ; it was one of his talents . he never once forgot an anniversary or her birthday , and outdid himself from year to year in the extravagance and thoughtfulness of his presents . `` i wanted you to have this , '' he said as she untied the bow and removed the paper . the instant she saw the box , bethanne knew . nestled inside was the button she 'd seen in the antique store in new orleans . annie had obviously mentioned it to him ; he must have ordered it that same night . `` very much , '' she breathed , recalling the story about the soldiers and their sweethearts . `` every time you look at that button , '' he said , his head close to hers , `` i want you to think of me . '' twenty-five that evening with royce , ruth felt as if the years had evaporated , and they were eighteen again . they talked nonstop without a trace of awkwardness , until ruth realized it was midnight-and they were alone . bethanne and annie had turned in for the night . craig must have gone home . apparently , grant had driven back to orlando , although she did n't remember him leaving . all ruth could see , the whole night long , was royce . all she 'd heard was what he said . before he left her at the door of her room , royce had asked if he could pick her up the next morning and take her to his home on the indian river . ruth had agreed . not once had he mentioned the circumstances of their parting fifty years ago , but she felt its shadow , even in their happiest recollections . ruth wished they could leave the past buried , but she knew that unless they confronted it now , it could destroy any hope of a future . all that shame and pain ... unable to sleep with such thoughts chasing through her head , ruth rose before bethanne and annie and dressed , taking special care with her hair and makeup . the humidity in florida during summer was unrelenting . she did n't expect her hair to stay in place , but felt she had to make the effort . for royce . `` grandma , what are you doing up so early ? '' annie asked groggily as ruth came out of the bathroom . `` it 's almost eight . '' `` that 's early for you , '' annie observed . generally , ruth was the one who lingered in bed . `` have you done your exercises ? 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we could distract them , then run for the main road and get some help . jesses hurt , and we need to help him before i said , but i couldnt even finish the thought , because it turned my stomach . we had to act fast , so instead of arguing with julie about it , i walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge , only to find nothing but a jug of water , a bottle of mustard , and a wrinkly radish in the bottom of the vegetable crisper . shoot , i said . no doggie treats in here . we have to think positive , julie . maybe jesse got away . maybe hes getting help this very minute . well what if hes dead ? and what if that crazy lunatic comes back for us ? the wolves howled even louder , and the hair on the back of my neck stood at attention . at least they cant break into the cabin , i said , trying to sound positive . and if anyone tries to come in here , theyll be attacked . jonathon wont stand a chance . but you said wolves dont attack humans . i know , but jesses right about these . for whatever reason , they dont seem scared of us . i sighed heavily , then whipped out my cell and dialed 911 , again without success . still no signal , i said . my heart jumped at the sudden tap on the door . i froze for a moment , then gripped the butcher knife in my hands tightly . even though chills were running down my spine again , i started to sweat profusely . what if its jonathon , just playing games with us ? what if its someone who can help ? i knew that might be risky , since our only hope for rescue might be on the other side of that door ; then again , i also knew that opening the door might seal our fate for good . julie stared at me , her eyes wide . dont answer it , she whispered . ill just peek out the window . i ignored her and crept to the front window , my hands shaking like a jumping bean on a trampoline . outside , jesse was leaning against the door , and the wolves were circling him with exposed teeth , snarling and drooling . its jesse ! i shouted back to julie . then , from out of the darkness , a tall shadow emerged . i gasped again when i made out his features . i shouted , but it was too late ; before i could warn him , jonathon had already grabbed him from behind . somehow , the injured jesse broke his stronghold and lunged at him . the guy rammed his head and shoulders into him , but with a big push , jesse threw the guy five feet . in a flash , the man grabbed jesse , lifted him over his head , and threw him like a ragdoll . jesse crashed straight into the door so viciously that the door flew off the hinges with a loud bang . he asked , a strange question that made me wonder if hed hit his head a little too hard . he hobbled in , bleeding profusely . droplets of blood stained the hard wood floor . jesse stood in the doorway , glaring at his attacker , who was seeing red and blind with rage . when jonathons sinister gaze swept over me , my heart began to thunder in my test . i didnt understand why he was just standing there like that , not trying to attack or push his way in , and there was a moment of silence as julie and i looked at each other in complete shock . i screamed , pulling his arm . were safe now , jesse said . maybe but for how long ? she motioned us over , and we worked together to scoot a heavy china cabinet in front of the door . you hit him , and hes disoriented , but as soon as he gets his head back in the game , hell come in . all he has to do is take one step through the open doorway . i snapped the shades shut on all the windows so crazy jonathon couldnt see us . trust me , he wont burst through our barricade , jesse said calmly . julie asked , breathing heavily in quick , shallow heaves . if we could move that cabinet , he most certainly can . we need to find a landline and call 911 . i gazed around for a phone but didnt see one . while hes dazed and out of it , lets grab his gun , i suggested . jesse grabbed my hand . you step out that door , and youre dead . pushing the drapes aside , i glanced out the window . the guy held up a lighter . dont think i cant burn you out ! please dont let him do that , i thought . then , he suddenly screamed as two of the snarling wolves bit into his flesh . he flailed with all his might , but the wolves just dug in harder . a madman is after us , and were surrounded by hungry wild animals waiting to tear us to shreds . julie said , then ran a hand through her wild blonde hair .	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`` maybe the pest people sprayed something under the porch to keep the bees from coming back . '' flynn carried the groceries into the kitchen . `` except it 's stronger in here , which does n't make sense . '' `` let 's open a window . '' zoe walked over to the dining nook and opened the window looking out on the forest . `` it really is pretty here . '' something in his voice made her turn , and the heat was back in his eyes . poor guy , he was in serious lust with her . she wondered if he also had a bully for a conscience . in case he did , she 'd pretend not to notice his scorching glance . food might help . she clapped her hands together like a girl scout leader at a cookout . `` let 's warm up a couple of those microwave meals , shall we ? `` okay , '' he said without much enthusiasm . `` you read the directions , since you 're the directions guy , and i 'll turn on this very old and decrepit stove . '' she walked over to it and noticed the dial was set on warm . i wonder if it 's on already ? '' `` why would it be on already ? '' flynn was engrossed in reading the directions on the chicken dinner and did n't look up . maybe i did it by accident last night . '' she turned the dial to off and opened the oven door . the hinges creaked , and although spatters from other meals speckled the oven , it was cold . `` okay , margo warned me about this . she went in search of the butane tighter . flynn glanced at her when she came back in . `` the pilot light 's gone out in the oven , so i need to- '' `` no ! '' he dropped the chicken dinner on the floor and grabbed the lighter out of her hand . she frowned at him in confusion . it 's gas ! a whole bunch of gas ! '' she backed away from the oven so fast she bumped into flynn . clutching her hand , he headed out of the kitchen , stepping smack on the chicken dinner , which cracked open and spit peas and carrots all over the kitchen . she pulled him away from the mess . `` we need fresh air . we 'll clean it up later . '' he took the lead again , tugging on her hand as he hurried through the living room . i should have figured it out sooner . '' but i was so fixated on the bees , and i know pest companies spray all kinds of junk around . i was n't thinking of the gas . '' flynn threw open the door . `` we 'll leave it open . between that and the back window , it 'll clear out eventually . '' he drew her across the porch and down the steps , not stopping until they were yards away , standing among the pine trees . they were both breathing fast . `` i ca n't believe i almost blew us up . '' the blood throbbed in her temples . `` maybe i 'm not cut out for country living . '' gulping for air , flynn stared at the cabin . `` okay , let 's reconstruct what happened . '' `` i said i 'd turn on the oven while you read the directions on the chicken dinner . which is now mushed on the floor . '' zoe noticed that he had n't let go of her hand , but she decided not to mention it . under the circumstances , she liked his strong grip . it reminded her that she was in one piece and not burned to a crisp by an exploding oven . `` i 'll eat the crushed one . '' the palm of her hand grew warm and tingly where his thumb stroked it . she shoved her conscience out of the way . she deserved to be comforted at a moment when she 'd almost been blown to smithereens . i should have identified that smell . '' `` why was it your job ? are you some kind of expert on gas ovens ? '' those lazy circles he was making with his thumb were getting to her . i 've never been around a gas stove . '' `` then why should you have guessed what the smell was ? '' `` because the evidence was there . i knew we had a gas stove from cooking on it last night . we walked in and there was a funny smell in the house . i should have thought of gas as a possibility . '' zoe sighed , more from pleasure than exasperation . `` just because you 're a nerd does n't mean you have to be mr. answer man all the time . '' but he sure was mr. feel good , even if he was only dealing with her palm at the moment . she remembered how he 'd dealt with the rest of her in a previous episode and she began to heat up all over . she could probably defrost one of those frozen dinners between her thighs , no problem . `` i like having the answers . '' `` you , um , said the oven was turned on . '' very turned on . '' she was ready to purr from the gentle stroking .	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2193], ["sprayed", 2193], ["kind", 2203], ["kinds", 2203], ["junk", 2211], ["junks", 2211], ["junked", 2211], ["junking", 2211], ["around", 2218], ["think", 2239], ["thinkest", 2239], ["thinking", 2239], ["throw", 2267], ["threw", 2267], ["left", 2299], ["leave", 2299], ["clear", 2357], ["clearest", 2357], ["eventually", 2372], ["draw", 2385], ["draws", 2385], ["drawn", 2385], ["drew", 2385], ["across", 2396], ["step", 2425], ["steps", 2425], ["stop", 2440], ["stopping", 2440], ["yard", 2462], ["yards", 2462], ["stood", 2478], ["stand", 2478], ["standest", 2478], ["standing", 2478], ["among", 2484], ["pine", 2493], ["pining", 2493], ["tree", 2499], ["treed", 2499], ["treeing", 2499], ["trees", 2499], ["breathe", 2526], ["breathes", 2526], ["ca", 2541], ["cas", 2541], ["believe", 2553], ["almost", 2562], ["blew", 2567], ["blow", 2567], ["blowest", 2567], ["blood", 2588], ["bloods", 2588], ["blooded", 2588], ["throb", 2597], ["throbs", 2597], ["throbbed", 2597], ["throbbing", 2597], ["temple", 2612], ["temples", 2612], ["cut", 2636], ["country", 2652], ["live", 2659], ["living", 2659], ["gulp", 2672], ["gulps", 2672], ["gulping", 2672], ["stare", 2695], ["stared", 2695], ["cabin", 2708], ["reconstruct", 2739], ["reconstructest", 2739], ["happen", 2753], ["happened", 2753], ["mush", 2864], ["mushed", 2864], ["go", 2917], ["goest", 2917], ["decide", 2947], ["decided", 2947], ["mention", 2962], ["circumstance", 2991], ["circumstances", 2991], ["like", 3003], ["liked", 3003], ["strong", 3014], ["grip", 3019], ["remind", 3033], ["reminded", 3033], ["piece", 3063], ["pieced", 3063], ["burn", 3078], ["burns", 3078], ["burned", 3078], ["crisp", 3089], ["crisping", 3089], ["explode", 3105], ["exploding", 3105], ["eat", 3125], ["palm", 3155], ["palms", 3155], ["palmed", 3155], ["palmest", 3155], ["grow", 3172], ["growest", 3172], ["grew", 3172], ["tingly", 3188], ["thumb", 3204], ["thumbed", 3204], ["stroke", 3212], ["stroked", 3212], ["shove", 3228], ["shoved", 3228], 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`` and you expect that i will accede to these-you will pardon my characterizing them as peculiar , i trust-requests ... why ? '' bates smiled crookedly . you swear to see susie safe to her brother in ireland , and to see me safe to wherever i 'm going-and i undertake to see to it that hubert bowles never sees your name in my handwriting . '' grey blinked . bates raised one fair brow . it took the space of one breath for grey to come to a conclusion regarding the possibilities . he paused for an instant . `` officer and gentleman , '' bates repeated , with a tinge of ruefulness . `` besides , i have n't a great deal of choice in the matter , do i ? '' there seemed no more to say after that . he nodded , considered offering his hand to bates in farewell , and thought better of it . `` one last question , captain-if you will allow me ? '' bates made an expansive gesture . `` i 've all the time in the world , major . until wednesday , that is . '' `` i respect your determination to safeguard the names of any associates still at large . but perhaps you will tell me this : are any of them jacobites ? '' the blank surprise on bates 's face was so patent that it would have been laughable under other circumstances . `` jacobites ? '' `` the french are involved , '' grey pointed out . but it is n't always religion with the frogs , no matter what old louis tells the pope , and the stuart cause is deader than i 'll be on wednesday . louis 's a merchant at heart , and not about to throw good money after bad . besides , he never wanted james stuart on the english throne , and never expected him to take it-just wanted the distraction , while he got on with quietly pocketing brussels . '' `` you know a great deal about what king louis wants . '' bates nodded , slowly . `` and you know what i want , major . we have our bargain . but if mr. bowles should be moved to seek one of his own ... '' he quirked a brow , and grey saw a nerve twitch in his jaw . `` he 's got four days left . '' but it was said without hope . grey bowed and put on his hat . `` i 'll see you on wednesday . '' he had nearly reached the door , when he stopped and turned for a moment . `` i 'll send the brandy tuesday night . '' percy wainwright was expected to return from his journey on wednesday . grey thought of sending him a note , of asking for his company , but did n't . he did know what it would be like . chapter 14 place of execution grey had always thought the roar of a mob to be one of the worst sounds possible . worse than the howl of a hurricane or the clap of thunder that follows in the wake of nearby lightning . and the mob itself every bit as random and as lethal as other forces of nature . the only difference , grey thought , was that you would not call a mob an act of god . he spread his feet a little , to keep his footing against the waves of people who were lapping up the slopes of tyburn hill , and kept one hand on his sword hilt , the other on his dagger . he 'd considered for some time whether to wear his uniform or not , but at last had decided that he must . soldiers were not universally popular , by any means , and it was not unknown for a maddened crowd to turn on them . but if the point of his presence was to give some reassurance to michael bates , then he must be recognizable . to which end , he 'd worn uniform , chosen a spot as near to the gallows as he could get , and held it grimly against all comers . he hoped the brandy had arrived in time , but there was no way to tell . he 'd gone direct to tyburn , rather than follow the cart from newgate as many spectators did . by the time it rumbled into view , the three prisoners in it were so plastered with mud and filth that they might have been bears , bound for a baiting . and a baiting it was . the noise rose , hungry , at sight of the prisoners , and a hail of rocks and debris arched out of the crowd-most of it falling back onto said crowd , distance preventing the missiles from reaching their targets . cries of pain or protest were swallowed by the immense thrum , menacing as the sound of a hornet 's nest . he felt it in his bones , and along with it , an echo of the terror that must afflict those who were its focus . the minister who walked behind the condemned cart was heavily splashed with mud himself , though his grim face was still visible through the smears . a final bombardment of rocks drove him back , clutching his bible to his chest as though it might be a literal as well as spiritual shield .	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i was bitter and angry and convinced i was facing her killer . i worried what would happen to travis and cammie . if i would ever be allowed to see them again now that my mother-my only link to them-was gone . `` i hated the feeling that i was at his mercy . i hated ... him . i 've never hated anyone . i 've never felt violence toward another human being , and yet if i 'd had a gun in my hand in that moment i would have killed him . '' `` why did he call you into his study ? '' donovan prompted softly . she shuddered in his arms and then went completely still . dread filled donovan at her hesitation . he made himself loosen his grip around her because his emotions were in turmoil and his anger and frustration was mounting . the last thing he wanted was to hurt her inadvertently . to mark her beautiful skin . it made him physically ill to even think that his hand had caused a woman pain . `` he wanted ... he wanted me to ... oh god , donovan , it 's sick . '' tears soaked into his shirt , the material clinging damply to his skin . he stroked a hand over her hair , murmuring words of comfort close to her ear . `` he wanted me to , for all practical purposes , replace my mother . '' her voice was so filled with horror that each word was choked out as if it disgusted her to even say them out loud . donovan stilled as her statement played over and over in his mind . that could mean a lot of things , but he knew her stepfather 's intent was sick and twisted . `` he t-touched me . in a way he 'd never touched me before . in fact , he had always been careful to maintain his distance . i was n't treated as family . as one of his children like travis and cammie . he was always so impersonal with me . and yet at times i could feel him staring at me and it made me so uncomfortable . i hated when he looked at me because i felt ... he pressed a kiss to the side of her head , over the soft strands of her hair , clenching his jaw in frustration that he had to sit here helpless , powerless to do anything but listen as she spilled the horror she 'd endured for so many months . eve had said she wanted to kill her stepfather , but donovan wanted the same . he 'd suffer no remorse whatsoever , and he still did n't have the entire story . one that was going to get a lot worse . `` he told me that if i wanted to maintain contact with travis and cammie , i would do exactly as he wanted . that i 'd move into the house , and into his bed . that i would act as his mistress because he 'd never marry me . never give me that honor , as if i would consider it such ! and if i complied with all his wishes , he 'd forgive my past sins and he 'd allow me to act as mother and sister to travis and cammie . but if i resisted , if i denied him anything he wanted , he 'd make certain that i would never see my brother and sister again and that furthermore he 'd make it so i had nothing . and then ... '' her voice trailed off and sobs shook her shoulders . he held her tighter , kissing her hair , stroking her back and rubbing in a circular motion , trying to offer comfort she badly needed . `` he told me to get on my knees and please him . that if he was satisfied by my effort , he would allow me into his house . but he wanted me to remember that if i disobeyed even once , he 'd punish me and make me sorry i was ever born . '' `` son of a bitch , '' donovan swore . `` tell me you did n't do it . '' eve yanked away from him , her eyes stricken and wounded . he killed my mother ! i 'd rather have nothing than to accept what he was offering . '' donovan cupped her cheek . `` shh , darling eve . i was n't disgusted with you . i 'm furious at how he tried to manipulate you . '' `` he was f-f-furious when i told him to go to hell , '' she choked out . it was a cold , calculated strike , one i knew he 'd meted out many times before . on my mother . he split my lip and then threw a tissue at me and told me i 'd better not get any blood on his rug . then he told me to get out and never to come back . that i 'd never see travis and cammie again and that he would ruin me . what was there to ruin ? all i had left was my pride . my sense of self . and i would n't allow him to take that too . '' donovan leaned forward and kissed her forehead , the closest he 'd come to actually kissing her lips .	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after a few years i decided i 'd rather strike out on my own . '' monica speculated that there was a great deal missing in this story , but she did n't feel she should pressure him for details , not when she was unwilling to supply the missing pieces of her own story . `` did you enjoy police work ? '' when i was shot- '' `` you were shot ? '' monica could n't hide her alarm . she studied him for any evidence of permanent injury , and her heart raced at a furious pace . `` it was little more than a flesh wound , nothing to worry about physically , at any rate . '' he hesitated as if he 'd said more than he intended , more than he wanted her to know . she probed , not willing to drop the subject . we 'll leave it at that , all right ? '' the way he said it told her she would n't get any more information out of him . knowing that he 'd been physically injured had a curious effect on monica . a strange sick feeling attacked her . knowing he 'd suffered terrible pain greatly distressed her . they reached the waterfront , the day was cold and gray , and the angry sky reflected on the waters of puget sound . the sidewalks were crowded with the heavy tourist and christmas traffic . `` what made you decide to become a private investigator ? '' she asked as they stood at the end of the pier . the wind buffeted her and she turned her back on its force . chet , however , leaned against the rough wood railing , his hands clenched . chet glanced her way . `` you are n't going to like the answer to this one . '' `` i asked the question , did n't i ? '' his attitude irked her . `` all right , since you asked , i 'll tell you . a shapely blonde with loose morals and legs that reached all the way to her neck- '' `` you 're right , '' monica cut him off , `` i do n't want to hear the rest . '' they strolled back to the sidewalk and turned into a small shop that specialized in seashells , tacky souvenirs , and gaudy jewelry . curious , monica moved to a crowded aisle , no particular destination in mind . she found a paper japanese fan with a brightly painted dragon and spread it open , fluttering it in front of her face . chet grinned and she lowered the fan . slowly the amusement drained from his eyes and darkened to a shade as deep and dark as a moonless night . his sudden enmity unnerved her and she quickly snapped the fan closed and returned it to the table , wondering what she 'd done that had displeased him so . `` you 're beautiful when you choose to be , '' he said . his words confused her as much as his look . she turned hurriedly up another aisle and paused at a rack of necklaces . taking one , she slid the chain against the palm of her hand until she reached the pendant . a mustard seed was framed in a glass teardrop . the scripture verse about faith the size of a mustard seed leaped into her mind . `` faith is an amazing thing , '' chet surprised her by saying . that he 'd know the verse shocked her . `` you 've read the bible . '' he made a gallant effort not to laugh and failed . `` i 'm not a heathen , monica , even if i 've been known to frequent seedy bars and sleep with immoral women . '' embarrassed now by his honesty and her assumptions , she started to leave the shop . to her surprise , chet took the necklace from her hand and carried it to the front of the store . she asked as they waited to make the purchase . `` do i need to believe in anything ? '' she could tell that the question made him uncomfortable . `` everyone has a belief system , whether he acknowledges it or not . '' she sounded far more versed in the subject than she was . her own had been so clearly defined for her from the time she was a child . he did n't answer her for a long , silent moment . `` i believe life 's a bitch , '' he said as he paid for the necklace . monica bristled , but then she 'd asked and he 'd told her . he moved behind her and put the necklace around her neck . the glass teardrop felt cool against her skin . `` thank you , '' she whispered , touched that he 'd bought it for her . `` do n't make a big deal out of a few bucks , '' he said as if he regretted the purchase . when they came out of the store , monica was surprised to find that it was snowing . she could n't remember the weatherman mentioning snow . the fat flakes came down fast and furious and had already covered the sidewalk . `` i 'd better hurry to the bus stop , '' she said , anxious to get home before the weather made it impossible . she was already an hour later than she said she 'd be .	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he could sense that the decay of his lifemark had ceased , and although the pressure of the power housed inside him was still great , it was no longer painful . lexi had saved him . zach wished like hell it was enough-that he did n't have to ask her for more . he needed all of her , not just the part she wanted to give . not just her body , but her trust . maybe it would take years , but zach vowed he would find a way to show her he was worthy of such a precious gift . `` what are you doing skulking around in the trees ? '' asked drake from behind him . zach pretended he had n't been startled , and turned around to look at his friend . `` i 'm not skulking . i 'm keeping an eye on lexi . '' drake 's eyes slid down to zach 's throat , then grew wide . a grin split his face and his eyes closed for a moment in relief . `` yeah , '' said zach simply . that 's fantastic news . helen is going to be beside herself . '' `` you might want to hold off on telling her . i 'm not sure how long it 's going to last . '' drake 's mouth tightened . zach shrugged , feeling stiff and edgy . he looked back toward lexi , watching her as she trailed her hand along the stone wall surrounding dabyr . `` until she gets sick of me . until i drive her away . '' drake 's voice had an edge of steel in it when he spoke . `` we wo n't let her leave . zach moved through the trees , keeping pace with lexi 's progress . drake was a shadow at his side . `` she does n't want to forge any kind of mental connection with me , '' said zach . he was n't sure why he shared that information , but it was too late now . `` i mean she 's blocking me . keeping me out . '' `` you should talk to gilda . '' i 'd really rather not go spreading our problems around . especially if it turns out some of the other men are compatible with her . '' lexi looked their way and both men went still , hiding their position . after a few seconds , she went back to her walk , ignoring them . drake picked up a discarded soda can that had found its way into the woods . `` you know , '' he said , `` her resistance might have something to do with what helen told me . '' `` she said that lexi came here planning to help helen escape . '' zach 's heart squeezed hard and the bitter taste of betrayal filled his mouth . `` no wonder lexi let me find her . she wanted me to bring her here . '' zach watched her slow to a halt , then press her hand against her chest . she leaned forward , and suddenly he realized she was feeling him right now-feeling what he was suffering . part of him wanted to go to her and comfort her , but another part of him wanted to shout at her that she was getting exactly what she deserved . how dare she trick him like this ? how dare she plot behind his back to steal his brother 's wife away ? zach clamped down hard on the scrawny connection that flowed between them . it was all one-sided anyway . what was the point in keeping it open ? `` she was using me . '' saying the words aloud made his fists harden into lethal balls . he wanted to strike out and pound on something until he drove away the pain and humiliation her treachery had caused . `` maybe , but look where it 's gotten you . she 's wearing your luceria . you have a chance to make this thing work . '' `` not without her cooperation , '' said zach . his words came out like hard , cold chips of ice . `` then get her to cooperate . find a way inside her defenses . trick her if you have to . '' `` she sure as hell did n't have any problems tricking me . '' drake 's hand closed around zach 's arm . he had n't realized until then , that he had started toward her in anger . `` easy , zach . you need to stop and think before you act . put yourself in her shoes , and if you ca n't do that , then go spend some quality time with the heavy bag before you go to her . '' zach swallowed down some of his rage and gave a tight nod . `` she does n't understand our world . '' `` neither did helen . '' `` lexi 's worse , because not only does n't she understand it-she has all these wrong ideas her mom put in her head . she actually believed the synestryn were our pets . '' `` i do n't know if i 'll ever get her to trust me . '' `` you certainly wo n't if you go after her with that lethal look on your face . you need a plan . '' zach was n't sure anything as rational as planning was going to work for him right now .	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but he cares very much about bravery . he loves to celebrate . it 's important to him , to celebrate stories like this , to inspire the others . and it reflects well on the king , and on the legion . he wants to celebrate . you 're here because he 's going to reward you . '' thor asked , dumbfounded . `` you saved elden 's life . '' `` i only reacted . i only did what came naturally . '' `` and that 's exactly why the king wants to reward you . '' thor felt embarrassed . he did n't think that his actions deserved rewarding . after all , if it had n't have been for erec , thor would be dead right now . thor thought about it , and his heart filled with gratitude for erec , once again . he hoped that one day he could repay him . `` but what about our patrol duty ? '' `` we did n't finish it . '' reece put a reassuring hand on his shoulder . `` friend , you saved a boy 's life . a member of the legion . that 's more important than our patrol . '' `` so much for an uneventful first patrol ! '' they finished walking down yet another corridor , and two guards opened a door for them , and thor blinked and found himself in the royal chamber . there must have been a hundred knights standing about the room , with its soaring cathedral ceilings , stained glass , its weapons and suits of armor hung everywhere on the walls , like trophies . the hall of arms . it was the place where all the greatest warriors met , all the men of the silver . thor 's heart raced as he surveyed the walls , all the famous weaponry , the armor of heroic and legendary knights . thor had heard rumors of this place , his entire life . it had been his dream to see it for himself one day . he could hardly believe he was here . he knew that normally no squires were allowed here - no one but the silver . even more surprising , as he entered , real knights turned and looked at him - him - from all sides . and they wore looks of admiration . thor had never seen so many knights in one room , and he had never felt so accepted . it was like walking into a dream . especially since just moments before , he had been fast asleep . reece must have noticed thor 's dumbfounded face . `` the finest of the silver have gathered here to honor you . '' thor felt himself well with pride and disbelief . `` honor me ? but i 've done nothing . '' `` wrong , '' came a voice . thor turned and felt a heavy hand on his shoulder . it was erec , grinning down . `` you have displayed bravery and honor and courage , beyond what was expected of you . you nearly gave up your life to save one of your brethren . that is what we look for in the legion , and this is what we look for in the silver . '' `` you saved my life , '' thor said to erec . `` if it were n't for you , that beast would have killed me . erec grinned down . `` you already have , '' he answered . `` do n't you remember the joust ? i believe we are even . '' thor marched down the walkway towards macgil 's throne , at the far end of the hall , reece on one side of him and erec on the other . he felt hundreds of eyes on him , and it all felt like a dream . standing around the king were his dozens of counselors , along with his eldest son , kendrick . as thor approached , his heart swelled with pride . he could hardly believe the king was granting him an audience for the second time in as many days - and that so many important men were here to witness it . they reached the king 's throne , macgil stood , and a muted hush overcame the room . macgil 's ponderous expression broke into a wide smile , as he took three steps forward and to thor 's surprise , gave him a hug . a great cheer rose up in the room . he pulled back , held thor firmly by the shoulders , and grinned down . `` you served the legion well , '' he said . a servant handed the king a goblet , and the king raised it and looked all around . in a loud voice , he called out : `` to courage ! '' `` to courage ! '' shouted back the hundreds of men in the room . an excited murmur followed , then the room once again fell quiet . `` in honor of your exploits today , '' the king bellowed , `` i grant you a great gift . '' the king gestured , and an attendant stepped forward , wearing a long , black gauntlet , on which sat a magnificent falcon . it sat there , its claws resting on the gauntlet , and turned , and stared right thor - as if he knew him . it took thor 's breath away .	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when he looked up the length of the blade , he saw connor macdonald at the other end of it . `` is lachlan bothering ye , ilysa ? '' connor 's voice was as calm as the sea on a windless day , but his eyes were blue ice . lachlan did not move . `` no , he 's not troubling me at all , '' ilysa said . `` ilysa is like a sister to me , '' connor said . `` if ye distress her , cause her even the tiniest bit of unease , you 'll answer to me . '' like his sister , my arse . `` i do n't want to leave any room for misunderstanding , '' connor said , with the point of his blade pricking lachlan 's throat . `` have i been clear enough ? '' `` aye , ye have , '' lachlan said . `` i 'm not certain i did right in defending ye to the chieftain , '' ilysa said in a low voice after connor walked away . `` i want to trust ye , but you 're hiding something . '' `` i spent the last two and a half years fighting the macleods , '' lachlan said . `` you 've no right to question my loyalty . '' `` what have ye got against our chieftain ? '' she asked , undeterred . ach , she was as persistent as those wee dogs that bite at your heels . `` if ye endanger him , i 'll kill ye myself . '' ilysa got to her feet and looked down at him . `` that 's a promise , lachlan . '' out of respect for her , he did not laugh . he had to admit that connor macdonald engendered loyalty from those who knew him well . that did not mean he deserved lachlan 's . as his father so often told him , blood must be paid with blood . luck was against them . connor cursed under his breath . this time of year , he should have been able to count on a heavy mist to hide the boat . instead a full moon shone bright on the sea . their galley would be visible to any macleod who might be watching from the opposite side of the sea inlet that separated the trotternish peninsula from the traditional lands of the macleods . `` hug the shore as close as ye can , '' connor whispered in the ear of the man at the rudder . the other macdonald warriors in the galley were silent , keenly aware of how well sound traveled over water on a clear , cold night . `` that 's the place , '' the man next to connor said in a hushed voice as he pointed toward a dark cottage with a gray plume of smoke rising from its chimney into the star-filled sky . each night , connor took a handful of his warriors out under cover of darkness to visit homes of macdonalds who had not yet left or been forced out in the face of the threat from the macleods . this was the farthest they had ventured from the castle , and it was also the closest to the macleods ' home territory , where they were strongest . connor felt his men 's tension as their small galley glided to shore . he flicked his gaze up and down the shoreline , ready to give the signal to reverse oars should enemy warriors spring from the bushes shouting their battle cry . all he heard in the still night was the rustle of reeds brushing against the side of the boat and the flap of wings when a startled waterbird took flight . the steel blade of his claymore made the familiar whoosh as he pulled it from its scabbard . he dropped over the side into icy water up to his thighs . with barely a ripple , his men followed him into the water . together , they hauled the galley onto the shore and hid it under low-hanging trees . all connor 's senses were alert to danger as he and his five men climbed single-file up the small bluff to the cottage . he neither saw nor heard anything suspicious . and yet , he felt as if someone was watching them from the darkness . once again , he wished ian , duncan , or alex were with him . they had saved each other 's lives countless times , and he could trust them absolutely . though he had hand-selected the warriors who accompanied him tonight , he did not know them well , except for sorely . he would have added lachlan to the group , but he could not find him . when they reached the cottage , connor held his sword at the ready while sorely rapped on the door , his fist making a hollow sound on the weathered wood . `` 't is me , sorely . '' his soft voice sounded unnaturally loud after their long silence . the door opened a crack , and a beak-nosed face peered out . `` open up , '' sorely said . `` i 've brought our new chieftain . 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this probably isnt my place to say this , maam , but dont you think youre being a bit tough on our boss ? i mean , i know that ive just met the man , but he seems nice and sincere enough . oh hes plenty nice , i agreed , adding as i rolled my eyes heavenward , to every woman he meetsthat is , if you can classify those overdone bimbos he dates as actual , honest to god women . and while he may be sincere to a certain extent , he certainly didnt hesitate to deceive his own father about our involvement . well i dont know anything about all of that , he admitted , adding as he spread his arms expressively before him , and like i said , lily , i probably dont know oliver quite as well as you doa good thing , considering the fact that were both painfully heterosexual males . he paused here , adding in a lower , more serious tone , im also a pretty intelligent male , and i can see when a man is in love . i froze a moment , considering these words as my gaze again rested on my admittedly stunning jeweled gift . finally , though , i stood from my desk with the rose in my hand , holding it with definite intent over my waste can ; one conveniently located just next to my work station . im not altogether sure that mr. oliver clark knows the meaning of the word love , i declared . and until he figures it out , and is ready and willing to express his feelings to my face , im afraid that i am unable to accept any more of his gaudy , overpriced gifts . with this i released my tight hold on what i was sure was a very fragile crystal rose ; watching with a bitter smile as it descended into my waste basket . my grin dissolved as , with a deep-seated groan , leslie surged forward and intercepted my pass ; catching the discarded jewel before it shattered in so many pieces at the bottom of my trash bin . holding the rose close to his chest with almost comical protectiveness , les regarded me with a cold stare as he stepped away from my desk . maam , my boss spent a fortune on this gift , he scolded me . if you wont accept his present , then at least allow me to return it to him in one piece . fine then , i allowed , waving him away with a dismissive gesture . tell oliver to give the jewel to a woman that wants itand him . ~ chapter sixteen ~ lily the moment that leslie peterson cleared my office , my rejected gift clutched tight in his hand , my mind and spirit soared with a renewed strength ; not to mention a refreshed sense of confidence . until this point i had questioned my ability to say no to oliver clark ; to resist the charming , irresistibly handsome man that had changed my life and claimed my heart . ah , but i just had : i had rejected his empty charms , and the beautiful , pricey gift that was just as colorful and appealing as he was . dont ask me how i did it ; somehow , though , i think i finally came to realize just what i needed from oliver clarkand it wasnt his charm , his money , or even his expensive gifts . it was the truthand the courage to tell it . i needed him to approach me face to face , and to be honest and forthright about his feelings for me . sure , currency and charm were always nice ; but the c word that i needed him most to express was commitment . i needed him to acknowledge the fact that the feelings between us were all too real and to express true appreciation for the things that i brought to his life . if i had indeed managed to change oliver clark , then i needed him to show itby expressing a true desire to make things right , to at least try to join me in turning our faux mance into a real and very meaningful relationship . when would he realize that instead of spending all that money to buy me expensive presents he should instead spend a little more time in my presence ; looking into my eyes and sharing his feelings for and intentions toward me ? only he knew the answer to this questionor maybe he didnt , and that was the whole problem . at any rate , i for one felt better than i had in ages ; confident and prideful in the knowledge that i was the woman that had put oliver clark firmly and directly in his place . surely the women of the world will honor me for this singular accomplishment . maybe ill get a plaque , a lovely and tasteful floral bouquet , maybe even some decorative candles in my favorite scent and a gift certificate to my favorite sushi bar or miniature golf course . and while my mind and spirit reveled in this knowledge , in this out and out victory on behalf of all womankind , my heart and body werent so sure . both still ached for want of the man that my brain so reviled ; and while my waking hours were filled with the duties that came as part and parcel of my wonderful new job , my nights remained plagued by dreams of that devil ; that man that still never failed to arouse and intrigue me .	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her memory was filled now with details that she had n't known before , like the guttural growl of his words and the way his neck corded when he threw his head back in the arching frenzy of satisfaction . she stared at her face in the mirror as she swiftly braided her hair . her eyes had shadows under them , but she did n't look tired . she simply looked ... like herself . if there was any change at all , it was in the expression in her eyes , as if there was a spark that had been missing before . but if her face was the same , her body bore the signs of his lovemaking . her breasts were pink and slightly raw from contact with his beard stubble , her nipples so sensitive from his mouth that the soft fabric of her bra rasped them . there were several small bruises on her hips , where he had gripped her during his climax , and her thighs ached . she was sore enough that every step reminded her of his possession and awakened echoes of sensation that made her acutely aware of her body . it was much earlier than usual when she drove to the marina , but she needed the distraction to take her mind off robert . if she was lucky , sherry would bring virgil by to spend the day with her . craig was gassing up a boat when she arrived . when he had finished , he came in and rang up the sale , putting the money in the cash drawer . `` how come you 're in so early ? have a nice time last night ? '' her nerves jumped , but she managed a composed smile . we went to a private club for dinner and dancing . and i came in early ... just because . '' `` that 's a good enough reason for me . '' he brushed his dark hair out of his eyes and gave her an urchin 's grin . `` i 'm glad you 're going out with him . you deserve some fun , after the way you 've worked to build up this place . '' `` thanks for swapping shifts with me . '' another customer idled up to the docks , and craig went out again . evie picked up the morning mail and began sorting through it . the junk mail and sales papers went into the trash . the bills went to one side , to be juggled later . one letter was from a new york bank she 'd never heard of , probably wanting her to apply for a credit card . she started to toss it without opening it , but on second thought decided to see what it was about . she picked up the penknife she used as a letter opener and slit the envelope . thirty seconds later , her brows knit in puzzlement , she let the single sheet of paper drop to the desk . somehow this bank had gotten her confused with someone else , though she could n't think how they had gotten her name on one of their files when she had never done business with them . the letter stated , in brisk terms , that due to a poor payment record they would be forced to foreclose on her loan unless it was paid in full within thirty days . she would have ignored it except that the amount noted was the same as what she owed her bank for the loan against the marina . she knew that figure well , had struggled to get it down to that amount . each payment brought it even lower . she did n't know how , but obviously her file had gotten into this other bank 's computers , and they wanted her to pay fifteen thousand , two hundred and sixty-two dollars within thirty days . well , it was obviously something she would have to clear up before it got even more tangled . evie called her bank , gave her name and asked for her loan officer , tommy fowler , who was also an old school friend . the line clicked , and tommy 's voice said , `` hi , evie . how are you and karen doing , and the kids ? '' `` we 're doing okay , though karen says the kids are driving her crazy , and if school does n't start soon she 's going to get herself arrested , so she can have some peace and quiet . '' evie chuckled . the fowler kids were known for their frenetic energy . `` there 's been a really strange mix-up , and i need to know how to straighten it out . i got a letter today from a bank in new york , asking for payment in full on a loan , and it 's the same amount as the one i took out from you , on the marina . '' wonder what 's going on . do you have your account number handy ? '' `` not with me , no . i 'm at work , and all my bookkeeping is at home . '' `` that 's okay , i 'll pull it up under your name . she could hear the tapping of computer keys as he hummed softly to himself . then he stopped humming and silence reigned , stretching out for so long that evie wondered if he 'd left the room . finally a few more keys were tapped , then more silence . he fumbled with the receiver . `` evie , i - `` reluctance was heavy in his voice .	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he crouched beside her chair and she touched a bruise on his jaw . `` dominic did n't like the truth . '' instant outrage filled lil . `` he beat you up ? '' oddly , jake looked pleased with himself . `` i 'd call it more of a tie . '' `` what were you fighting about ? '' there was always a chance it was n't about her , but she was beginning to think that telling the truth might not be the best idea . so far honesty looked painful . `` a difference of opinion ... '' he said . jake pushed a lock of hair behind her ear . `` dom and i have been friends since college . we built corisi enterprises from nothing . i have never minded that he wanted to be the face of the company . however , sometimes he forgets that i 've invested as much into it as he has . '' `` and you punched him to remind him ? '' `` he swung first . '' jake 's expression became more intimate . `` it seems that someone told him we slept together . '' lil blushed straight down to the roots of her hair . `` yeah , about that ... '' he smiled and traced her bottom lip with a finger . `` you 're not a very good secret keeper . '' `` jake ... '' he put a hand on either side of her chair and said , `` it does n't matter . he would have found out eventually , anyway . and it does n't change how i feel . i intend to marry you , lillian dartley . '' lil looked down at her daughter and said , `` colby , men say that to get what they want . '' jake took lil 's chin in his hand and lifted her face so she had to meet his eyes . `` boys do that , lil , not men . '' he took her lips gently with his in a kiss like none she 'd ever experienced . it felt like-a promise . she pulled back and stood , forcing him to step back . `` colby is tired . '' a wave of emotions shook her . he 'd said the marriage word again , but no mention of love . had dominic told him to marry her ? she was sure she did n't want to know the answer to that question . although he seemed to have more to say , jake nodded , kissed the top of colby 's head softly and stepped back . lil 's heart swelled in her chest . if it looked like love and acted like love-it could be love , could n't it ? `` we 'll continue this conversation tomorrow . '' he walked halfway to the door and turned . `` what did you want to tell me , lil ? lil shrugged awkwardly . and , sadly , for just the time it took for him to leave the room fear kept her mind blank . reality returned with the click of the door closing behind him . colby pinched her mother 's chin . lil looked down and smiled at her impudence . you think you would have told him ? i ca n't wait until you 're in love with someone . you 'll see that it 's not that easy . '' chapter thirteen the engagement party was held at one of dominic 's immense country estates about thirty minutes from new york city . lil and abby had gone over the details with the staff in the morning to ensure that everything went smoothly . security was evident in every corner of the compound . mrs. duhamel had offered to watch colby for the day so lil could support abby as she fluctuated from being excited about the big day to being a nervous wreck . it still amazed lil that beneath her strong facade , abby worried and succumbed to the occasional panic just like she did . to alleviate their stress , abby and lil spent two hours having their hair and nails done by the stylists dominic had hired for them . eventually lil had returned to her own suite to dress alone . well , alone was really an exaggeration of the situation . lil was feeling a bit crowded by the entourage whose sole job was to anticipate her every need . abby said she would n't notice the staff or the security after a while , but lil was longing for the privacy of her penthouse . did jake live like this ? lil could n't imagine him tolerating the constant intrusion . that evening , lil stood at the top of the stairs in a sleeveless , floor length orange dress , wondering if she had chosen her attire wisely . many of the women she could see were much more demurely dressed in either a sophisticated black or subdued red . nicole waved to lil from across the room , looking every bit as comfortable in her floor length , off-one-shoulder , claret erdem dress . she and stephan move seamlessly through the crowd , stopping to engage in what appeared to be just the right amount of small talk with each group of guests before moving on to the next cluster of people .	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so i wo n't worry about you , gracie . i 'm going to try to forget you . i 'm sorry , but i have to . it hurts so much to love you . jude looked up at her son , whose eyes were bright with tears . he looked like her boy again , her golden zach , and in that moment , she remembered the young lexi , the girl who 'd worn her heart on her sleeve and been the best friend mia had ever had . she remembered the girl from the trailer park who had never known a mother 's love and yet always had a smile on her face . `` it did n't go well today with lexi and grace . lexi screwed up . '' `` she went too quickly , pushed grace before she was ready . '' `` she does n't know how to be a mom . `` no one does , '' jude said quietly . `` i remember how overwhelmed i felt by you and ... `` you were a great mom . '' jude could n't look at him . i have n't acted like your mom in a long time , and we both know it . i ... lost that . i thought ... '' she paused and forced herself to look at him again . `` i blamed you . i did , even though i know i should n't . and i blamed lexi . we knew better ... that night , '' he said . jude felt a searing pain in her heart at the reminder . it was the kind of pain that had always been a barrier before , something from which to retreat . now she pushed through it . `` you should n't have drunk that night , but lexi should n't have driven , and i should n't have let you go . i knew there was going to be drinking there . what was i thinking to trust drunk eighteen-year-olds to make wise decisions ? why did i just assume that we could n't stop you from drinking ? and ... mia should have had her seatbelt on . there 's blame enough to go around . '' `` it 's my fault , '' he said , and although jude had heard him say it before , she felt the weight of his burden for the first time . it shamed her that she 'd been so focused on her own grief that she 'd let her son carry his alone . she went to him , took him by the hand , and pulled him to his feet . `` we all carry this , zach . we 've carried it for so long it 's reshaped our spines , bent us . we have to stand up again . we have to forgive ourselves . '' in his green eyes , she saw mia , too . she 'd forgotten that somehow , in her grief ; her babies were twins , and mia would always be alive in zach . and now there was grace , too . she put a hand on his face , seeing the faint scar along his jawline . `` she 's there ... in you , '' she said gently . `` how did i forget that ? '' twenty-six `` come on , '' lexi-mommy says , holding out her hand . `` you want to live with me , do n't you ? '' the hand turns black and long yellow nails grow out from the fingers like hooks , and grace screams- `` i 'm right here , princess . '' she heard her daddy 's voice and threw her arms around him . he smelled like he was supposed to , and the nightmare faded away until she remembered that she was in her own bed , in her own room , just where she belonged . there were no wild things here . her dad held her close and stroked her hair . she felt like a baby . `` sorry , daddy , '' she mumbled . `` everyone has bad dreams sometimes . '' she knew that was true , because when she was little , she used to hear him screaming in his sleep , and she 'd go to him and climb into his bed . he never woke up , but he stopped yelling when she was with him . in the morning , he 'd smile tiredly at her and say something about how she really should be a big girl and learn to sleep in her own bed . `` do n't make me go away , daddy . i wo n't lie anymore . and i wo n't sock jacob in the nose , ever . `` ah , princess , '' he said , sighing . `` i should have known your mom would come back for you . i should have prepared us both . i tried not to think about her . '' `` cuz she 's mean ? '' `` no , '' daddy said , and it scared her , how sad he sounded . `` she 's the opposite of mean . '' `` maybe she got mean when she was a spy . '' `` she 's not a spy , princess . '' grace bit her lower lip nervously . for a long time , he was quiet .	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`` you forget where we live , '' beth offered . `` there are n't a lot of single men my age . and if they are single , there 's a reason . '' `` maybe in a city . but around here ? i 've lived here all my life , and even when i was in college , i commuted from home . on the rare occasions that i have been asked out , we 'll go on two or three dates and then they stop calling . she waved a hand philosophically . `` but it 's no big deal . i 've got ben and nana . it 's not like i 'm living alone , surrounded by dozens of cats . '' you 've got dogs . '' `` not my dogs . other people 's dogs . `` oh yeah , '' melody snorted . across the yard , ben was trailing behind the group with his super soaker , doing his best to keep up , when he suddenly slipped and fell . his glasses tumbled off into the grass . beth knew enough not to get up and see if he was okay : the last time she 'd tried to help , he 'd been visibly embarrassed . he felt around until he found his glasses and was up and running again . `` they grow up so fast , do n't they ? '' said melody , interrupting beth 's thoughts . `` i know it 's a cliche , but it 's true . i remember my mom telling me they would and thinking she did n't know what she was talking about . i could n't wait for zach to get a little older . of course , at the time , he had colic and i had n't slept more than a couple of hours a night in over a month . but now , just like that , they 'll be starting middle school already . '' they 've got another year . '' but it still makes me nervous . '' `` you know ... it 's a hard age . kids are in that stage where they 're beginning to understand the world of adults , without having the maturity of adults to deal with everything going on around them . add to that all the temptations , and the fact that they stop listening to you the way they once did , and the moods of adolescence , and i 'll be the first to admit that i 'm not looking forward to it . you 're a teacher . `` that 's why i teach second grade . '' melody grew quiet . `` did you hear about elliot spencer ? '' `` i have n't heard much of anything . i 've been a hermit , remember ? '' `` he was caught selling drugs . '' `` he 's only a couple of years older than ben ! '' `` and still in middle school . '' `` now you 're making me nervous . '' if my son were more like ben , i would n't have reason to be nervous . ben has an old soul . he 's always polite , he 's always kind , always the first to help the younger kids . he 's empathetic . i , on the other hand , have zach . '' `` zach 's a great kid , too . '' but he 's always been more difficult than ben . and he 's more of a follower than ben . '' `` have you seen them playing ? from where i 'm sitting , ben 's been doing all the following . '' even from a young age , ben had been content to forge his own path . which was nice , she had to admit , since it had been a pretty good path . though he did n't have many friends , he had a lot of interests he pursued on his own . he had little interest in video games or surfing the web , and while he occasionally watched television , he 'd usually turn it off on his own after thirty minutes or so . instead , he read or played chess ( a game that he seemed to understand on some intuitive level ) on the electronic game board he 'd received for christmas . he loved to read and write , and though he enjoyed the dogs at the kennel , most of them were anxious because of the long hours they spent in a kennel and tended to ignore him . he spent many afternoons throwing tennis balls that few , if any , ever retrieved . melody set aside her drink . `` i suppose i should go get the cake , huh ? zach has practice at five . '' `` it 'll be hot . '' `` i 'm sure he 'll want to bring the super soaker . probably squirt the coach . '' just sit here and relax . beth watched melody walk away , realizing for the first time how thin she 'd become . ten , maybe fifteen pounds lighter than she 'd been the last time beth had seen her . had to be stress , she thought . david 's affair had crushed her , but unlike beth when it had happened to her , melody was determined to save her marriage . then again , they 'd had different sorts of marriages .	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* mia had just finished emailing hank and nikki to let them know that her cell phone was dead and that she had left her charger at her condominium . they were really the only two people who would possibly try to reach her this week . she had planned to go home today , but with the surprising turn of events with her mother , she was curious enough to stay for a few more days . it was n't that their relationship had completely changed overnight , but they were trying . she had always thought she was just fine without the usual parental affection , but now that it was being offered , she found herself soaking it up , unable to get enough . her mother was actually funny and just a tiny bit irreverent , which was completely shocking . she was still smiling when she rounded the corner to find her mother in a heated conversation on her phone . `` listen here , you had your chance , and you screwed up big time . you had better come up with something more impressive than a phone call if you want to fix this . do n't disappoint me again ! '' with those words , the phone call was ended without a goodbye . her mother whirled around , surprise obvious on her face . `` oh , darling , i did n't hear you . '' her mother took a moment , choosing her words carefully . your father can just be so ... thoughtless sometimes . sometimes a man needs a good challenge so that he can rise to the occasion . i have no doubt that he will figure out a way to get back into my good graces . now , how about we grab some lunch and spend the day on the beach ? '' mia could only shake her head at her mother 's lightning change of mood . her poor father did n't stand a chance against her . whatever he had done , she hoped he was smart enough to make amends because it did n't sound like something that flowers would take care of . * seth threw his phone across his office in disgust . margie had given him mia 's mother 's number and he had just attempted to reach out to her for help . he gave margie an incredulous look , saying , `` she fking told me off and hung up on me ! '' margie winced in sympathy . `` i guess mia told her what happened then . '' `` the way mia spoke of her led me to believe that they did n't have a close relationship . '' `` maybe she emailed her , '' margie added helpfully . when he gave her a nasty look , she held up her hands in surrender before saying , `` alright , that was a bad joke . i do have something that will make you happy , though . '' she dangled a piece of paper from her fingertips . `` i have mia 's home address . '' he stood up and grabbed it from her hand . when he started for the door , she yelled , `` you have a conference call with ash and dylan in an hour . '' `` i 'll call ash on my way and cancel it . '' without waiting for a reply , he took off out the door and to his car . hopefully , this was what her mother had meant about doing better than a phone call . * days had gone by and he was back in his car stalking mia 's home . he was n't sure when his need to apologize had turned into desperation to make things up to her , regardless of the cost . once he had finally admitted to himself that he wanted her , the floodgates had truly opened . his pride was definitely taking a beating from his brothers . his pursuit of mia had ash laughing his ass off every time they talked . he had suggested that when seth finally located mia , he spank her ass and show her who was in charge . he was pretty sure ash was n't joking . he knew enough about his brother 's lifestyle to know that spankings were the norm for him . he did n't think mia would be receptive to it , either . he had called her mother countless times and the damned woman had n't answered or returned any of his calls . he had even found her address and attempted a drive-by , but was turned away at the security gate of the exclusive community . he continued to leave messages on mia 's phone to no avail . it was sunday evening . surely , she would come home tonight . did n't she have to return to work tomorrow ? he finally gave up at midnight and drove home to catch a few hours of sleep . tomorrow he would go to danvers and see if she showed up for work . chapter thirteen `` welcome back , kid . '' mia looked up as she stepped from her car smiling as hank walked toward her . `` hey , boss-man , you miss me ? '' `` hell , yeah , '' he laughed . `` i got stuck with all of the shit i usually put off on you . '' then studying her face a little longer than usual , he asked , `` how you doing ? everything ... better with you ? '' hank did n't know all of the particulars , but he did know that something had happened with seth .	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her smile faded as she handed him back his credit card . um , sean jessica rolled her lips together . sean waited . thanks to their shared past , jessica sometimes sought him out for advice much the way a younger sister would a brother . yesterday your father came in . jessica naturally had a soft voice , but now it came out more like a whisper as she leaned forward . the credit card cut into his palm . he talked to grandpa for ten or fifteen minutes , and he asked me about you and charlie before he left . jessicas voice stayed low and her eyes reflected the concern he heard . i didnt tell him anything that everyone doesnt already know , but i thought you should know . dont tell my mother , jessie . i wont , and ill ask grandpa not to say anything either , if he sees her . sean grabbed the bag off the counter . outside he slammed his truck door closed . first the no good bastard showed up at the house , and now he was visiting the quinns . who else had he talked to ? news spread through town like wildfire . if his father kept making stops into town , it was only a matter of time before his mother found out . whether he wanted to or not , hed needed to confront his father and put an end to his visits . *** i feel like im eating dinner with a tree . sean dropped his slice of pizza . next to him mia sat and picked at her grilled chicken salad as a new action movie played on the flat screen television . sorry , i just have stuff on my mind tonight . when something bothers me , i find talking helps . im a good listener , sean . mia put her salad down on the table . do you like the movie ? let me guess : this has something to do with your father ? the muscle in seans jaw twitched . did you hear from him again ? no , he answered through clenched teeth . did your mom ? she knew that remained his number one concern . hes been visiting town . he stopped in to see the quinns yesterday . seans voice remained unchanged , but she felt the anger emanating from him as if it were a tangible thing . she turned and swung a leg over his so she straddled his lap and began massaging his shoulders . underneath her hands , his shoulders stayed tight as she worked to undo the knots . the muscle in his jaw twitched again . she rubbed harder , determined to help him relax . maybe you should just talk to him . find out what he wants and then maybe hell go away . his shoulders shagged a little . i reached that conclusion today , too , he answered , sounding more resigned than angry now . i emailed him earlier . got an email back before you came up . she heard the snap when sean rolled his neck to the side and slid her hands up his neck to continue the massage there . pulling teeth would be easier than getting info from sean . i agreed to meet with him next saturday night in boston . she danced her fingers up and down his neck . if were done filming for the day , ill go with you if you want . she remembered his reaction when his father appeared the other night . a friend might be a handy thing to have around , especially afterward if things didnt go so well . sean pulled back , causing her hands to fall away . his brows dipped down as he digested her statement . i thought you were out of here on sunday ? his tone of voice told her so much more than his words alone . he knew she would be checking into her hotel in boston that sunday and would start filming on monday , so hed associated those events with the end of their time together . evidently she hadnt dropped enough hints about continuing their relationship . i check into the regency on sunday , but i dont see why we cant keep seeing each other . even if everything goes according to schedule , ill be in boston for a month . she leaned in , cupped his face with her hands and dropped the barest of kisses on his mouth . i like spending time with you , and boston isnt far . she kissed him again , this time with more pressure as she dropped her hands and looped them over his shoulders . if you really dont want to , ill accept that but she kissed him again , this time she traced the seam between his lips with her tongue until he opened to her , then she plunged inside . she let the kiss continue until seans fingers tangled in her hair and then she pulled back . i hope thats not the case . sean pulled her mouth back toward his . without any further explanation , he took possession of her mouth again . heat unlike anything shed ever experienced before with a man exploded deep inside her . they were both still fully dressed and already her body quivered from the memory of his rough hands on her skin . it remembered every stroke and pet from the previous night . the rough pads of his fingers had teased her nipples before they sank inside her .	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i 've missed you and that beautiful smile , '' she gushed in her heavily accented english . renee 's smile made its first appearance since she 'd come back into his life . too bad it was n't aimed at him , because like senora gianelli , he 'd missed it and the way it made renee 's eyes sparkle . `` i 've missed you , too , mama g. '' `` and this one . '' mama g pointed at flynn and he stiffened . `` he has not been eating like he should . skin and bones . '' flynn shifted uncomfortably , then renee 's gaze coasted over him , slowly , thoroughly . the appreciation he saw in her eyes made him stiffen for an entirely different reason . mama g linked her arm through renee 's . `` come , i have your special table ready . '' he followed the women to the back corner , taking the time to admire his wife 's petite shape from behind . renee had gained a little weight since their split , but it had landed in all the right places , and her white wraparound sweater and gray trousers that accentuated her figure awakened his libido in a way no other woman had been able to do since renee had left him . `` i will bring a bottle of your favorite chianti to the table , '' their hostess said . surprised , he studied her face , but he could roll with her decision . `` i 'll pass , as well . '' mama gianelli departed and renee opened her menu . he did n't know why she was wasting her time unless hiding behind the menu was her way of avoiding him . she 'd ordered the same dish each time they 'd eaten here in the past , claiming no one made spinach manicotti as well . `` are n't you ordering your usual ? '' `` i want to try the chicken romano . it 's stuffed with shrimp and fresh mozzarella and covered in a lemon cream sauce , '' she replied without looking at him . she peered at him over the menu , her gaze serious . `` i 've changed , flynn . i 'm not the quiet little mouse who 's eager to please and afraid to make waves anymore . '' was there a warning in her tone ? `` everybody changes , renee , but the fundamentals that make us who we are remain the same . '' the gianellis ' granddaughter arrived to take their order . after she left , flynn lifted his water glass . `` to us and our future family . '' renee hesitated , then raised hers . `` to the baby we might make . '' he noted the way she stressed `` might , '' but let it pass , and reached across the table to capture her free hand . `` we always held hands while we waited for our food in the past . '' her fingers remained stiff in his . `` why is it so important that everyone believe we 're a happy couple ? '' not the relaxing conversation he 'd planned , but she needed to know the facts . he stroked his thumb across her palm . `` the tight economy is pinching advertising budgets for even the largest firms . our closest rival , golden gate promotions , is encroaching on our turf and not above using underhanded methods to steal our accounts . '' `` athos koteas , the owner , will do anything to make us look unstable , immoral or untrustworthy . '' innuendo . we do n't know where he 's getting his information , but it 's almost as if he has an inside source . some of our biggest clients are ultraconservative . they 'll go elsewhere at the first hint of scandal because they ca n't afford to have their names attached to anyone who might cause them to lose customers and revenue . that 's why the truth behind our personal project needs to be kept confidential . '' `` that 's like living in a glass house , flynn . you ca n't keep it up indefinitely . '' `` koteas is seventy . he wo n't live forever . but enough about my work . '' `` i like hearing about your work . you never used to discuss it ... well , not after you joined maddox . '' `` i had enough of the advertising jungle during the day . i did n't want to rehash it at night . '' when he 'd been at adams architecture he 'd been so excited about his work that he 'd often recounted the highlights of his day over dinner . `` how is lorraine ? '' her stern expression told him she 'd recognized his change of topic , but then she shrugged . `` mom 's the same . she 's working at a five-star restaurant in boca raton now . '' `` does she still change jobs every few years ? '' `` she moves on as soon as someone gets on her bad side . '' `` that 's the negative side of her alcoholism . you 're very lucky to have had your grandmother to provide a more stable environment . 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he opened his car door and sat in the drivers seat , wanting desperately not to be alone . danica was on her third drink , feeling less inhibited and enjoying the feeling of having her guard down . she drank so rarely that she had an almost immediate reaction to it . hey , theres jeffrey and mike . kaylie pointed at camilles fianc . kaylie stared beyond jeffrey and mike , to the entrance of the bar , where two men filed in like rowdy football players . one of the men leaned down to hug a woman as he passed . behind him , the man from the coffee shop came into clear view . dibs ! kaylie squealed . oh no , you do not want him . danica downed her drink , while kaylie nursed hers . i need to taste him , feel him , own himat least for a night or two . kaylies eyes danced with mischief . where on earth has he been hiding ? in a serious voice , she asked , do you know him ? can you introduce me ? danicas throat tightened . behind jeffrey and mike , blake was making a beeline for the bar , right where she and kaylie were standing . she couldnt take her eyes off of him . danica , you look beautiful ! jeffrey was the mirror image of bradley cooper . he was athletic , smart , witty , and very , very rich . danica kissed his cheek . i cant let my fianc go out alone on a saturday night , can i ? i brought my guys to make sure the bridesmaids werent misbehaving . behind him , his posse of groomsmen were greeting kaylie and the others . danica told herself that adoniss presence was just a coincidence ; he wasnt one of jeffreys groomsmen . they couldnt know each other , could they ? wouldnt she have known that ? shed seen the list of the bridal party and there was no blake on it . why , then , was he walking toward her , his eyes locked on hers , his goddamned gorgeous body coming closer by the second , rattling her nerves until her legs were trembling . she yanked at the hem of her dress , wishing shed worn pants , something , anything to cover up her body a little more . now that she was among the bold and the beautiful , she didnt feel quite as in proportion as she had in front of her mirror . kaylie elbowed her . he was there , standing right in front of her in his black , button-down shirt and black slacks , his thick , wavy hair perfectly coiffed like patrick dempseys . a smile spread across his cheeks ; his teeth were like little , polished pearls , perfectly formed and as white as snow . he knows hes hot . hes an egomaniac for sure . but something was different from when shed first seen him . his eyes had lost their roguish spark . he lookedsad . surely she was misreading him . what did she know about him , anyway ? this was probably his sullen pick-up look . kaylie touched his forearm . his green eyes flicked toward kaylie , then right back to danica . this is danica , kaylie said quickly . danica could actually feel her heart turning soft against her steeled reserve . his deep voice reeled her in . he leaned down and kissed danica on the cheek . tommy hilfiger cologne assaulted her senses and weakened her knees . the nose looks better , he said . youre the one who bonked her nose ? kaylie turned her back to blake and mouthed to danica , thats the jerk ? kaylie mouthed , oh my god , and her eyes sprang open wide . its much better , danica responded . i really dont make a habit of going around elbowing women . his swarthiness had toned down a notch . her therapist senses came to attention . are you with she pointed to jeffrey , who was buying a round of drinks at the bar . we know each other from college . he came by the shop the other day to get some gear and mentioned hed be here tonight . gear ? danica asked . jeffrey handed a beer to blake and pia coladas to danica and kaylie . thanks , man , blake said . i see youve met these lovely ladies , jeffrey said . he turned toward danica and answered , ski gear . blake owns acroski , just down the block . i got to go give my girl a squeeze . he headed for the booth where the others had settled in . perfect , drop-dead gorgeous and a business owner . acroski ? whats the acro for ? kaylie asked , as she slowly drank in every inch of blake while she twirled her hair .	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i retreated into the kitchen and downed one more shot for good measure , before cade entered the kitchen behind me . he recapped the bottle of vodka and placed it back inside the freezer . `` enough , '' he said roughly , his warm breath brushing over the back of my neck . i leaned back against the kitchen island , his looming presence holding me captive . i 'd been hoping to sound suspicious , hardened , but instead my voice gave away my desperate and intoxicated state . he reached out and toyed with a lock of my hair . `` i was only gone an hour . '' his hand brushed my cheek , lingering for just a moment . i lifted my chin and smirked up at him . he 'd soon realize what a mess i was , regardless . seeing him with sara and thinking he had moved on ... god , it had crushed me . even finding out that he was n't the baby 's father had n't eased my mind . it was n't as though he was asking for me back ... was he ? and what would i say if he did ? and in my buzzed state , with cade 's masculine deliciousness standing in my kitchen , it was going to take a friggin ' miracle . `` why are you here , cade ? '' his gaze collided with mine . my throat tightened and i gripped the counter for support . cade said nothing further and made no move toward me . he just continued watching me , his eyes growing dark with desire . the anticipation sent my heartbeat thudding erratically in my chest . surely he knew this was n't fair . it would be beyond unfair to seduce me right now , when i was vulnerable and needy for his touch . i wanted so much more , but even before i processed it , i knew i would freely and willingly give him anything he wanted . even knowing that my heart would surely shrivel up and disintegrate once and for all when he left me this time around . he stepped in closer , as if testing the waters , and when i made no move to stop him , and in fact angled my body toward his , he closed the rest of the distance between us and hauled me up against him . the hard planes of his chest , his firm thighs pressing against mine in that familiar way . i 'd missed him and at this point , i was desperate enough to take whatever i could get . my heart jumped into action , pounding against my ribs and my brain warred with my body . could i handle the consequences of another night with cade ? he leaned down and planted a tender kiss on my jaw , just below my earlobe . my heart said no , while my body screamed yes . maybe if i purposely , knowingly chose this , if i was using him this time around ... the loss would n't hurt as much . i steeled my nerves to take what i needed from him ... one last time . i needed to be the one in control . i captured his mouth in a crushing kiss , parting his lips with my tongue and eagerly swirling my tongue with his . his hands came up to cup my jaw , tilting my head to deepen the kiss . while his hands tangled in my hair and caressed my cheek , i did n't allow myself to feel the tenderness of the moment , and instead took charge , unbuttoning his jeans and working my hand inside . his cck stiffened under my none-too-gentle ministrations and once he was fully hard , i broke away from the kiss and dropped to my knees in front of him . cade chuckled , bringing his hand down to pet my hair , smoothing it back from my face . `` damn , baby , you in a hurry ? '' but his laughter died on his lips when my mouth crested around his swollen head , pulling him deep inside . pride swelled within me and i put every ounce of energy i had into the performance . my mind replayed the images from his videos , and i mimicked the moves i 'd seen-licking his balls and sucking one of them into my mouth . cade flinched and pulled back . i asked , looking up at him with wide eyes . his eyes blazed down at mine . he stroked my hair back from my face , while trying to read my expression . `` i like you sucking on my cck better , that 's all . '' but in your last video ... '' i stopped , snapping my mouth closed . realization crossed his features , and it seemed we were both remembering the way he pulled himself free from the girl 's mouth and directed her to his balls . he stroked his thumb along my jaw . `` that was just for the camera , baby . it was acting . my c*ck is yours , and there was something that did n't feel right about her doing that . my last memories were of you sucking me deep into your throat , and i did n't want anyone else 's lips around me right then . i know that probably sounds stupid to you , considering ... it did n't matter what he said at this point , i reminded myself . he could n't make this right .	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she grabbed his wrist , sending a pleasure buzz right up his arm . terrified of how she was making him feel , he pulled his hand away and glared at her . okay , ill tell you about devlin if you tell me your name . you know , i can find out by reading your thoughts if i have to . so how come youre begging me to tell you ? glancing upwards with exasperation , he sighed . because i want to hear what you have to say . thoughts can change , but spoken words cant . folding her arms , she grinned . well , if you dont tell me your name , ill just have to call on devlin when im in trouble . nathaniel glowered at her . thats not funny , and if you knew what he had planned for you , you wouldnt say such a thing . from the look on her face hed obviously scared her , but time was running out and there was no time left for her silly games . okay , eloise , ill tell you my name , but youd better keep your word . im nathaniel , angel of fire , and i am your guardian angel . devlin is not , so dont ever trust or believe him . without warning , she stretched up and wrapped her arms around his neck , then before he could stop her , she crushed her lips to hisand just like before , he was zapped with a powerful volt of electricity that thrilled him to the very core . gripping her wrists , he pushed her away . you mustnt do that ! because angels are not supposed to kiss human girls . a huge smile spread across her pretty face . every time i kiss you , i get a zappedand you twitch . thats because it shocks me that you do it . maybe , but you still like it . i can tell , so why dont you admit it ? im not admitting any such thing . that song i play all the time is sung by a singer called nathaniel . speechless , he just stared at her , but when she grabbed his hand again , his whole being vibrated with joy . good heavens , what was she doing to him ? now he had an urge to take her in his arms and fly up to his cloud with her . he yanked his arm away and crossed himself again . then he realised with horror that if he didnt erase her memory of him in the next minute , hed get his wings burned off for sure . in a panic , he shouted at her . what about your promise ? a look of humiliation crossed her face and she lowered her eyes . so you dont even think its cool about the song ? eloise , he said in a softer voice . im sorry , but i really do have to go now , so if you want to keep your word , you have less than a minute . devlin did try to kiss me , but i turned away , so he just kissed my cheek . as nathaniel stared at her pretty face , a sudden rage took over him and he clenched his fists . how dare devlin take her soul away and try to kiss her ? now he knew what he was up against , he felt no guilt about burning devlins wings off , but first , he had to remove eloises memory of both of them , as well as her romantic feelings for him . gripping her arms , he looked deep into her beautiful eyes . eloise , you must never have anything to do with devlin . hes a bad angel and he will put your life and soul in danger . you must wear your crucifix at all times and order him to go away . promise me you will ? okay , but only if you kiss me before you leave . he shook her shoulders . eloise , im deadly serious about this . bowing her head as if hed crushed her very spirit , she gazed up through her thick dark lashes . now youre angry with me . she was melting his soul , but he darent smile at her . it was difficult enough to do what he had to do , especially when she looked at him like that . but just as he was about to wipe her memory of him , she whispered , i so love you , nathaniel . shocked at her words and hurting deep in his psyche , he entered the most intimate part of her subconscious mind and zapped out her memory of him , then he deleted all of her recollections of devlin . chapter ten archangel michael standing at the foot of the bed , nathaniel held his head in his hands . removing himself from eloises thoughts was the right thing to do , but there was no way he could wipe away the emotions he now had for her . only god or another angel could do that . raking his hands through his hair , he tried to think of who to call , but it was just too embarrassing . he decided to use self-control instead of humiliating himself in front of archangel michael , after all , he hadnt sought any of this . when a familiar disgusting stench wafted through the air , nathaniel spun around .	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between the terrible road systems this far off the highway , the lack of readily available gas , and having to stop and set up somewhere safe-ish each night , we werent able to travel very far each day . we dont know whats beyond it , though , king wisely argued . but its solar panels or nothing . i didnt know if i was being reckless because i craved electricity like an addict or if it was intuition that pushed me toward the decision to stop . either way , we could be walking into a zombie trap . of course , that was potentially a problem wherever we stopped . so it was either now or later . we werent in a hurry to get to mexico . and i could charge my ipod . if we stay on these back roads were going to stay at a place like this anyway . but it probably wont have working electricity . haleys got a point , vaughan agreed softly . he slowed the van to a stop in front of a long , gravel drive . we sat idling in the road , staring up at the seemingly empty farmhouse . we stayed there for a long time , waiting for movement , waiting for zombies to pop out of every unseen place at the sound of the engine rumbling , waiting for a holed up , half-insane farmer to come barreling out of the front door spitting tobacco , angry shotgun in hand . not for fifteen full minutes . all of our nerves pulled tight with apprehension . now we were wasting precious gas , now we were sitting ducks . finally , vaughan took a deep breath and announced , anywhere else could be just as dangerous . we check it out . if we dont like it , we get back in the van and keep going . its still a little early to settle down , so if this doesnt work , we find a better place . yeah , we agreed in subdued voices . this was our plan . our plan potentially included electricity . and now i was smiling and couldnt stop . you are really excited about those solar panels arent you ? nelson asked quietly as vaughan drove the rust-bucket van up the driveway and around to the back of the house . we dont know what well find inside , he reminded me somberly . still , its the possibility of whats inside , isnt it ? in a deep rumble of fierce agreement , nelson answered , i cant argue with that . i turned my attention back to the house , not able to have that conversation with him . or trying to convince me to give him a chance ? or was he seriously just talking about the house ? suddenly i did not feel very smart anymore . thanks a lot , nelson . not that id ever really tried at the super brain powers thing anyway . but there was something painfully frustrating about a simple boy making me feel stupid . is this what happened when a girl truly started to fall for a boy ? our brains turned to mush and we resorted to giggling and blushing ? god , that could not happen to me . i shivered noticeably when he pulled his hand from underneath my shirt , brushing his fingers gently against my skin on the way . maybe i was that girl just a little bit . vaughan turned off the car and instead of the noise from the engine , the clicking of clips and magazines filled the silence . page woke up by stretching on reagans lap and tumbling to the floor , on top of more ammo and a few packs . her grunt of pain had all five of her brothers scowling down at her in concerned uneasiness . she was a lucky little girl , even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse . she smiled sheepishly up at everyone and brushed her hair underneath her stocking cap . general rule of conduct had page pretending to be a boy whenever there were potential humans around . reagan and i were beyond the years where our figures could be confused for the opposite sex , but page was still young enough to be convincing . and every time she got away with it , we breathed a little bit easier and whispered grateful prayers , unable to stop ourselves . hendrix and i will go in first , nelson , harrison and king on the outside of the van , reagan and haley stay with page inside . vaughan snapped out his commands with the authority that came naturally to him and a half-second later we were following obediently . nelson pressed a hand to my neck , holding me possessively for a moment . his thumb rubbed against the hollow of my throat , and his fingers pressed into my skin before slipping out from underneath me . my skin felt singed from his touch , branded and marked . i ignored the frantic pattering of my heart that whispered all kinds of hopes and secrets . that was more than a simple gesture of affection . that was one of those things that couldnt be explained , that seemed so unassuming and easy , but i felt it in every single one of my extremities , in the marrow of my bones . that was a goodbye if it was necessary . that was an emotion so deep and serious that i couldnt put a name on it . that was a promise to protect me . and if he could manage that- a promise to continue to pursue me . my mind swam in a tumultuous ocean of thoughts .	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she would learn the truth , but then she could never unlearn it . was n't it better to not have all the answers ? though she could n't find any fault with the company of the andersons or her brother , she was enjoying the quiet calm of the sea at her feet , the solitude and peacefulness after a boisterous night . living in fear most of her life , she 'd risen early for as long as she could remember . the last thing she 'd wanted was to be caught unawares by some junkie while sleeping in an abandoned building . it was best to get up and keep moving , never let someone get a grasp on your routine , which meant she 'd never developed a routine . her life certainly had n't been boring . a bit of monotony would n't be such a bad thing . her biggest fear now was that she just would n't fit in . how could she possibly be related to these people ? not only were they megawealthy , but they were also kind and humorous , and so accepting . they were the exact opposite of her in so many ways . even if bryson thought she was a good person , enough other people had beat her down that what she believed about herself did n't measure up , and yet the anderson family still wanted to know her , still wanted to accept her with open arms , her faults and all . she had to admit that she was proud of herself , because she had managed to keep her insecurities at bay , and she 'd managed to keep a smile on her face rather than looking like a goldfish flopping around after the cat had swiped it from the comforts of its little bowl . family amusements had zoomed around her , with joseph and the boys smoking a cigar after the meal , telling stories , each one topping the other . the women , so comfortable with each other , spoke of activities they 'd been involved in . not once had the television clicked on ; not once had there been silence . her family members were comfortable in this amazing mansion , and though they had included her , she still felt as if she were on the other side of a glass wall , looking in . and yet she 'd held it together , kept her anxiety from showing . when it had come time for bed , she 'd been disappointed when bryson had n't shared her room . maybe he 'd thought she needed time to absorb it all ; maybe he needed a break . she was n't sure of the reason , but she did know that she 'd had plenty of alone time in her life , and she did n't relish the thought of a lot more of it . but she could n't allow herself to get too used to having him by her side . yes , she was falling in love with him , but that did n't mean he felt the same about her . most likely , once the case against jesse ended , so would her relationship with this wonderful man . as she continued walking , her thoughts returned to the andersons , and she wondered whether she could mold herself into a woman worthy of being part of her family . could she somehow change into a person who belonged ? other people managed to change their circumstances , change their lives . she might be able to do the same . maybe she could even be the kind of woman bryson would consider forever with . this absolute need to belong was painful . but it offered her a light at the end of the tunnel . once again , it was hope that was her biggest weakness . most of the people she 'd known from her days on the streets knew their lives would n't improve , knew they were going to remain where they were for the rest of their lives . they did n't bother with school or work . society had given up on them , and so they gave up too . as much as misty tried not to hope , she 'd never been able to kill thoughts of a better future , and when she was disappointed time and time again , it hurt a little bit more each time . hope could be great , or it could be devastating . in her case , it had usually turned out badly . `` i 've never particularly liked seattle , but i have to say that this piece of paradise joseph has managed to cut out for himself is n't too bad . '' misty jumped and then turned to find bryson sauntering toward her . dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a sweatshirt with a coat thrown over , and with a wool cap covering his hair , he looked younger and slightly less daunting than usual . i was n't expecting anyone to be up this early . '' `` i 've always been a morning person . i took a jog about an hour ago and then went up to shower and change . i looked out the window and noticed you down here , so decided to join you . '' `` i have n't ever been to the beach to see a sunrise before , '' she said .	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she opened her eyes just to answer that particular question , but she remained quiet , the buzz of questions swimming in her ears until she wanted to cover them to shut out the cacophony . she and ethan were loaded onto waiting ambulances , and she stared through the open back doors at the sea of police , media , and general public . it looked as if half of tennessee was gathered on the middle school parking lot . then the medic attending her climbed into the back and shut the doors , obscuring her view . the ambulance pulled away , leaving the flashing lights and mob of people behind as it headed toward the hospital . `` sarah 's texting me wanting to be sure i 'm taking good care of you . if she gets it in her head i 'm falling down on the job , she 'll kick my ass . '' rachel laughed and put her hand out for the phone . garrett relinquished it with a grin , and rachel quickly sent a text to sarah telling her she was fine and then affixed her name to the bottom of the text . barely seconds later , the text came back from sarah . `` i 'm so lucky to have all of you , '' rachel whispered . garrett gave her an indulgent smile and then ruffled her hair affectionately . `` we 've been friends a long time , sweet pea . i think it 's safe to say that we 're lucky as hell to still have you . ethan knows it too . he may be stubborn as hell , but he 's not dumb . '' rachel closed her eyes , no longer able to keep her head up . it was plenty warm in the ambulance , but a chill had settled bone deep , and she shook from head to toe . she heard garrett 's worried demand to the medic and the medic 's reassurance that it was just shock . a warm blanket slid over her body and was tucked around her neck . garrett 's hand curled around hers , gripping it tightly . now that she allowed herself to think of all that had happened that morning , she was ready to completely lose her cool . one of the children could have gotten hurt or killed . ethan could have died . it was more than she could hold up under any longer . chapter 13 `` i do n't need goddamn x-rays ! '' `` what i need is to see my wife ! '' donovan put his arm out to push ethan back onto the bed . `` look , if i go check in on her and get a report from garrett , will you shut the hell up and get the damn x-ray ? you 're making things worse by raising so much hell . if you 'd just let them do the x-ray , you 'd be done and out of here , and you could go be with rachel . '' ethan pushed up from the bed , holding his chest where the bullet had bruised his ribs through the vest . `` just give me a damn shirt and not one of those f**king hospital gowns either , '' he said in a testy voice . the very last thing he cared about was whether he 'd cracked a rib . it was obvious that he had n't broken one or done serious damage . if the x-ray showed minor fractures of his ribs , what the hell could they do about it anyway ? all they 'd do is tell him to take it easy and give him something for pain . the best thing they could do to ease his pain was to let him get to rachel . donovan sighed in exasperation and then tossed him a t-shirt from his pack . `` get your dumb ass dressed while i find out where they put rachel . swear to god , if you so much as move before i get back , i 'll hold you down while they sedate you . you ca n't go barging through the e.r . scaring the shit out of the other patients . '' `` then hurry the hell up , '' ethan snapped . he yanked on the t-shirt , wincing when his knuckles brushed over the tender spot on his midsection . not that he 'd admit it in a million years , but he hurt like a son of a bitch . taking a bullet close range , even with the vest on , was n't exactly a walk in the park . a bruise the size of a softball had already formed . hell if he was going to be sidelined over a damn bruise . he 'd endured worse , and nothing was going to keep him from rachel . he was getting fidgety when donovan finally walked back into the tiny cubicle . he lunged up from where he had been leaning against the bed and confronted his brother . and is she all right ? '' donovan held up his hands . `` garrett 's with her , and ma just got here . the wives are in the waiting room , and dad 's on his way to see you right now . let dad see that you 're okay , and then we can all go down and see rachel .	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1394], ["closed", 1394], ["long", 1415], ["longs", 1415], ["able", 1420], ["abled", 1420], ["keep", 1428], ["keepest", 1428], ["plenty", 1456], ["warm", 1461], ["chill", 1492], ["chills", 1492], ["chilling", 1492], ["settle", 1504], ["settled", 1504], ["bone", 1509], ["bonest", 1509], ["deep", 1514], ["deeply", 1514], ["shake", 1530], ["shook", 1530], ["toe", 1547], ["toeing", 1547], ["hear", 1559], ["hears", 1559], ["heard", 1559], ["demand", 1585], ["demandest", 1585], ["reassurance", 1627], ["shock", 1650], ["blanket", 1667], ["slid", 1672], ["body", 1686], ["bodied", 1686], ["tuck", 1701], ["tucked", 1701], ["tucking", 1701], ["around", 1708], ["neck", 1717], ["necked", 1717], ["curl", 1742], ["curls", 1742], ["curled", 1742], ["grip", 1765], ["gripping", 1765], ["tightly", 1776], ["allow", 1799], ["allowed", 1799], ["happen", 1841], ["happened", 1841], ["morning", 1854], ["ready", 1870], ["completely", 1884], ["lose", 1889], ["cool", 1898], ["child", 1920], ["childs", 1920], 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`` i ca n't , '' brenna told him . `` i need you so bad and you wo n't let me touch you . '' she gave another shuddering little gasp , and he heard her zipper go down . `` oh god , i am totally wet . '' he groaned , picturing her flesh silky and slick with need . `` maybe you should touch me , '' she offered . `` you can keep one hand on the steering wheel , and one hand on me . '' common sense warred with need , but when she made another one of those breathless sounds , he slid a hand toward her , his gaze still firmly glued to the road . she grasped it and dragged his hand between her thighs . immediately , his fingers were enveloped by soft , sweet , achingly hot flesh . she was extremely wet , and his own ck gave a jerk in response , the head already beading with prcum and causing his boxers to stick to his skin . the sensation of her slick puy around his fingers was driving him mad , and when she tugged at his hand insistently , demanding that he move his fingers , he rubbed , and she went wild . brenna cried out , and her nails dug into his forearm . keep doing that ! you 're so fking dirty , fingering me while you drive . '' more dirty talk . it made his eyes practically cross with lust when she did that . he was weaving all over the damn road , distracted to hell as he continued to rub her puy . it was impossible to drive and pleasure brenna at the same time , he decided a moment later , and he jerked the car over to the side of the road , pulling off into the grass . she asked breathlessly when he slammed the brakes on and threw the car into park . her glazed eyes watched him , her brsts heaving with need . `` you want to be pleasured ? '' `` i 'll fking pleasure you . '' and he reached over between her legs and threw the seat release . she fell backward with a yelp , almost lying down in the passenger seat . he bent over her , one arm on her stomach to hold her down , and leaned in to that damp puy . `` you want me to give you some attention before we get home ? '' `` oh yes , yes i do , '' she said , her voice shaky with excitement . her fingers twined in his hair , and instead of pushing him away from her , she pushed his head toward her waiting flesh . she did n't give a shit that they were on the side of the road , where anyone could find them . his brenna just did what she wanted , when she wanted . it was what made her so damn perfect for him . grant buried his face between her legs , delighting in her surprised squeal of pleasure . his tongue stroked at the soft lips of her sex , and he lapped at her , tasting her sweetness . she moaned when his tongue slid across the piercing , rubbing it against her clit . he pushed with his tongue , then began to circle slowly , dragging the tip across her sensitized flesh . her hands curled into fists and she clutched at him desperately . she was making wild , incoherent noises in the back of her throat , and those were making his ck so hard that he felt he 'd burst . he was n't going to make it until they got home . he did n't give a shit , either . he 'd happily change his pants as soon as he got in the door . all that mattered was pleasing her . slipping a finger down between her legs , he pushed past the bunched fabric at her thighs and stroked at the wet lips of her sex with his forefinger before sinking deeper , seeking her heat . he sank it deep and then moved his mouth back to her clit , sucking hard even as he began to drive his finger in and out of her . she whimpered , her thighs quivering around him . oh , fk yes . '' brenna was close . he could tell by the way little quivers were beginning to drag at his finger deep inside her . his tongue picked up the pace , slicking and teasing at her cl*t faster than before . his finger slammed into her warmth . she clenched around him and gave a high-pitched scream , and he felt her clenching and dragging at his finger , the power of her orgasm making her entire body shake . he continued to lick her , dragging every ounce of pleasure from her that he could , until she was heaving for breath and pushing his face away . `` oh wow , '' she breathed after a long moment . he sat up slowly , his own need a fierce ache , and watched her with intense pleasure . she looked flushed and delicious . her hair had fallen from her clip and was strewn about her shoulders , and her jeans were bunched down on her hips , her shirt tugged up , revealing her pale , smooth belly .	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1549], ["brake", 1560], ["braked", 1560], ["brakes", 1560], ["throw", 1573], ["threw", 1573], ["park", 1591], ["parks", 1591], ["glaze", 1604], ["glazes", 1604], ["glazed", 1604], ["watch", 1617], ["watched", 1617], ["heave", 1643], ["heaves", 1643], ["heaving", 1643], ["pleasure", 1683], ["pleasured", 1683], ["reach", 1738], ["reached", 1738], ["leg", 1760], ["legs", 1760], ["seat", 1779], ["release", 1787], ["fall", 1798], ["falls", 1798], ["fell", 1798], ["backward", 1807], ["yelp", 1819], ["yelped", 1819], ["yelping", 1819], ["almost", 1828], ["lay", 1834], ["lie", 1834], ["lain", 1834], ["lying", 1834], ["passenger", 1856], ["bend", 1871], ["bent", 1871], ["arm", 1890], ["stomach", 1905], ["stomachs", 1905], ["stomaching", 1905], ["hold", 1913], ["lean", 1935], ["leans", 1935], ["leaned", 1935], ["damp", 1951], ["damps", 1951], ["damped", 1951], ["give", 1982], ["attention", 2001], ["get", 2015], ["home", 2020], ["homing", 2020], ["yes", 2035], ["say", 2060], ["sayest", 2060], ["said", 2060], ["voice", 2072], ["shaky", 2078], ["excitement", 2094], ["twine", 2115], ["twined", 2115], ["hair", 2127], ["instead", 2141], ["push", 2152], ["pushing", 2152], ["away", 2161], ["push", 2183], ["pushed", 2183], ["wait", 2211], ["waitest", 2211], ["waiting", 2211], ["shit", 2243], ["anyone", 2297], ["find", 2308], ["perfect", 2408], ["perfectest", 2408], ["grant", 2424], ["grantest", 2424], ["bury", 2431], ["burying", 2431], ["buried", 2431], ["face", 2440], ["delight", 2470], ["delighting", 2470], ["squeal", 2494], ["tongue", 2519], ["tonguing", 2519], ["stroke", 2527], ["stroked", 2527], ["lip", 2544], ["lipped", 2544], ["lips", 2544], ["sex", 2555], ["lap", 2571], ["laps", 2571], ["lapping", 2571], ["lapped", 2571], ["taste", 2588], ["sweetness", 2602], ["moan", 2615], ["moans", 2615], ["moanest", 2615], ["moaned", 2615], ["across", 2643], ["piercing", 2656], ["rub", 2666], ["rubbing", 2666], ["clit", 2686], ["clits", 2686], ["begin", 2727], ["began", 2727], 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["ounce", 4020], ["breath", 4090], ["breathest", 4090], ["wow", 4128], ["breathes", 4146], ["breathed", 4146], ["long", 4159], ["longs", 4159], ["sat", 4175], ["sit", 4175], ["fierce", 4209], ["ache", 4214], ["ached", 4214], ["intense", 4245], ["look", 4267], ["looked", 4267], ["delicious", 4289], ["fall", 4311], ["falls", 4311], ["fallen", 4311], ["clip", 4325], ["strew", 4340], ["strews", 4340], ["strewn", 4340], ["shoulder", 4360], ["shouldered", 4360], ["shoulders", 4360], ["jean", 4376], ["jeans", 4376], ["hip", 4406], ["hips", 4406], ["shirt", 4418], ["reveal", 4440], ["revealing", 4440], ["pale", 4449], ["smooth", 4458], ["belly", 4464], ["bellied", 4464]]
`` are you ready to see your home ? '' i did n't even have a joke . i was more than ready to see my place , to find my groove . not to mention , as usual , the sight of alex had erased the majority of my vocabulary . ned , i 'll be riding with the duchess . '' alex and i took the second car in the line ; the first car was the escort that seemed to go with us everywhere . chadwick winked at me as he took a spot in the back seat of the front vehicle . we left with little fanfare except for the ever-present reporters and their cameras . `` there are more of them today . '' alex looked over at me . `` they 're documenting history . '' `` and here i was excited to get somewhere i could drink milk out of the carton while wearing my underwear . '' `` you drink milk out of the carton while in your underwear ? '' `` you 've never done that ? gotten up in the middle of the night and wanted a snack ? '' `` yes , but i would n't bother to put on my underwear . '' he watched my face as his words sank in . `` would n't that be cold ? '' `` it 's not so bad when you have someone warm to get back to . '' his eyes ran over me , lingering on my hose-clad legs . i looked back out the window as he chuckled . all in all , the car ride was n't that terrible . we spent the majority of the ride discussing my property with the occasional phone call or message interrupting us . i spoke to my dad and was thrilled to hear him sounding more like himself . patricia was in the background , telling him to ask me for more pictures . i laughed and joked with them while alex took care of paperwork . it was a pleasant , easy car ride that only seemed odd because neither of us was driving . as we left the city behind , i enjoyed watching the rolling hills and wooded areas flash by outside the window . despite the time of year , there was green everywhere . it peeked out from underneath the snow-covered ground and from beneath the frosted branches of trees . we passed small villages and houses that seemed to spring up out of nowhere . there was a lot of farmland and horses . cathy had been right-while i had enjoyed the city , i loved it out here . eventually the driver turned off the main street and took us down a meandering road . nestled amongst the trees was a clearing filled with houses and shops . people lined the roadway with signs and flowers . my heart swelled with excitement . people waved as we drove by and i rolled down my window to wave back . the driver seemed to understand that he should take his time because he slowed to a snail 's pace . alex rolled down his window too and would point out buildings or people from his side . i had n't known what to expect-part of me had been waiting for them to all hate me for coming back , or to at least be indifferent , but i never would have expected them to be excited . as we neared what must be the village center , i was surprised to see a small stage and a band playing music . it looked like a holiday celebration . `` do the children not have school today ? '' i asked as i waved at a young group . `` the local school closed for your homecoming . '' alex looked over at me in curiosity . `` did n't chadwick tell you this morning ? '' `` he may have mentioned it . '' chadwick must 've been even more frazzled than i had realized if he had forgotten to tell me about all this . `` am i supposed to speak ? '' `` that would be a nice gesture . '' i drew the word out and he laughed quietly . `` unprepared ? '' `` guess i 'll have to wing it . '' `` how do you say thank you again ? '' he said the words a couple of times while we waved and i practiced it under my breath . when we pulled around the center , becca was out of the car ahead of us in a flash and by my door . chadwick was right behind her , but at a more respectful pace . the cars behind us unloaded alex 's security detail . we were led to the stage where there was a small podium and several important-looking people . i shook the hand of the woman that was the equivalent of the mayor , but i could n't pronounce her official title . thankfully , she told me to call her simone . there was a clergyman and several other men who made up the local council , all smiling and bowing . alex received bows and thank-yous from everyone . they all seemed to be floating on a high , as if my coming home and alex 's presence was something to celebrate . it weirded me out . chadwick handed me some paper while the woman in charge spoke to someone offstage . `` this is a speech i wrote on the way here .	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hundred bucks says you cant last an hour working alongside me . a thousand says you wont last a day . she thrust out her chest for emphasis . damn , she didnt play fair . low blow , jess . you cant go using your sexiness as a weapon . her eyes widened and her delectable lips parted a fraction . if he hadnt heard her tentativeness with his own ears he wouldnt have believed it . for all her bluster and teasing earlier , she sounded exactly like she had a decade earlier : unsure , hesitant , innocent . hell , you want me to make a damn list ? his gaze roamed her body and he wrenched it back to her face with effort . how could one whispered word slug him harder than a knockout punch hed sustained in his last foster home before hed run away to the outback ? i cant play this game with you . she deliberately focused on his lips , licked hers . because im not a dumbass twenty any more and youre no longer a nave eighteen . rather than backing down as he expected , she did the one thing guaranteed to make his libido sit up and howl . she placed her hand on the top of his thigh , one inch shy of his crotch . ill have a week on the island to change your mind . what frigging island ? her teasing , sweet smile filled him with dread . dorians flying us to the wedding venue , his private island in the caribbean , so we can finalize details . fire sparked her eyes to caramel . if youre not up to the challenge her fingertips edged closer to detonation zone and he leaped to his feet . dorian and zazz are counting on us . her smug smile as her gaze zeroed in on his hard-on made him want to haul her over his knees and spank her . you cant say no . his cock twitched in agreement . after brash , check out jesss brother reids story in blush laying it all on the line for love adele radcliff has worked hard to erase the sins of her past . the ex-burlesque dancer is now an accountant in vegas and has her life on track . until one steamy interlude with her friends brother changes everything reid harper may be tired of the hand-shaking , back-slapping and baby-kissing , but politics is all he knows . his job consumes him . until he meets adele and the gorgeous redhead becomes his new focus . reid wants a relationship , adele doesnt . a decision reinforced when adele discovers shes pregnant . she has too many secrets to hide and cant risk reid getting too close . but reid has other ideas and when he learns the startling truth , how far will he go to prove their future is more important than the past ? if youd like to read more of nicolas books , theyre available from all e-book suppliers . her complete booklist is here : www.nicolamarsh.com/books.html an e-newsletter is also available and shed love to hear from you : nicola @ nicolamarsh.com about the author usa today bestselling author nicola marsh writes flirty fiction with flair for adults and riveting , spooky stories for teens . she has published 43 contemporary romances with harlequin , entangled publishing and indie , and sold over 5 million copies worldwide . her first mainstream romance busted in bollywood was nominated for romantic book of the year 2012 . her first indie romance , crazy love , was a 2012 arra finalist . her debut young adult novel , a supernatural thriller banish , released with harlequin teen august 2013 , and her ya urban fantasy series kicks off with scion of the sun , november 2013 , with month9books . her debut new adult novel , before , releases december 2013 . shes also a waldenbooks , bookscan and barnes & noble bestseller , a 2013 rby ( romantic book of the year ) and national readers choice award winner , and a multi-finalist for a number of awards including the romantic times reviewers choice award , holt medallion , booksellers best , golden quill , laurel wreath , more than magic and has also won several cataromance reviewers choice awards . a physiotherapist for thirteen years , she now adores writing full time , raising her two little heroes , sharing fine food with family and friends , and her favorite , curling up with a good book !	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my world was always centered when i was holding her in my arms . eva pulled back as soon as my hands slipped under her shirt . the grin on her face was a real one . `` cage , we 're supposed to be inside with our friends . not out here making out , '' she said . making out is a helluva lot more fun than talking to those jokers , '' i replied before kissing the corner of her mouth and cupping one of her brsts in my hand . `` cage , stop , '' she said in a husky voice that told me i was turning her on . damn , now i wanted to leave . `` we need to go eat with them . i think low wants to tell us something . low and marcus had been acting weird too . i reluctantly let my hand slid back out of eva 's shirt , and i reached down and laced my fingers through hers . `` okay , we 'll go back in there , but i 'm gon na be thinking about that tight little psy of yours all through dinner , '' i replied with a wink . eva i was having a hard time eating . cage kept slipping his hand between my thighs , and i was beginning to think this that skirt was a bad idea . every time i pushed his hand away , he would flash me this wicked grin that was so ridiculously sexy , it was a miracle i could tell him no . `` you know you wan na open up for me , '' cage whispered in my ear , making me shiver . a lone finger trailed up my leg and slipped under my skirt . he was really a bad boy . i did n't think that part of him would ever change . `` let me inside those wet panties . '' his low whisper was indeed making my panties wet . i was going to end up letting him have me in the bathroom before this dinner was over . `` what are you doing to her , man ? damn , she 's all kinds of red , '' preston said from across the table . cage 's head snapped in preston 's direction , and i was torn between humiliation at the fact that everyone knew what was going on now and fear that cage was going to hurt him . `` i do n't know what the hell you 're talking about , but i know you 're not embarrassing my girl . because if you are , i 'm gon na kick your ass . '' preston only chuckled , but i could see the panicked look in amanda 's eyes . preston , shut up , and cage , calm down . damn psychos , '' marcus said from the head of the table . at least i was n't ready to grab cage and go screw him in the bathroom anymore . `` before cage and preston come to blows over the dinner table , i want to say something , '' low said , smiling over at marcus . that look of adoration gave away what she was going to say before she could say it . i knew what this was about now . i reached over and squeezed cage 's hand . `` i went to the doctor yesterday . we 're going to have a baby , '' willow said with the biggest smile on her face i 'd ever seen . preston let out a whoop . `` hot damn , you two . amanda jumped out of her seat and ran to hug low , then she threw herself into her brother 's arms . i watched as marcus smiled down at his sister , chuckling at her tears of happiness . when he had found out that she was dating his best friend , he had been furious . they all got along now . it helped that preston worshiped the ground she walked on . marcus liked that . low looked over at cage for the first time . i wondered how he would take this . i knew he loved me , but he loved her too . just as much but differently . he squeezed my hand then let it go before he stood up and walked around the table to pull low into his arms and hug her . i saw him whisper something in her ear , and she laughed . i had n't understood their relationship at first . it was hard to grasp . over time i realized that even though they were n't related , their hearts were . i felt the same about jeremy . i 'd grown up with jeremy and josh beasley . although my heart had always belonged to josh , i had loved jeremy as if he were my family . when josh died , i had grieved with jeremy . we had that bond . so willow and cage made complete sense . they had n't loved the same person and lost them , but they had fought to live and survive together . the neglect from their families as they grew up was easier because they had each other . losing josh had broken me , but it had broken jeremy , too . josh had been his twin brother . we 'd held on to each other to survive . cage had such wonderful friends .	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* * * two weeks before the wedding , tom called julia to ask her an important question . `` i know the invitations have been sent out but would there be room for one more ? '' is there a long lost cousin i was n't aware of ? '' `` not exactly , '' hedged tom . he took a very deep breath and held it . `` dad , spit it out . who do you want to bring ? '' julia closed her eyes and silently begged the gods of daughters whose fathers were single to intervene on her behalf and keep deb lundy from attending her wedding or worse-getting back together with her father . `` um , diane . '' `` diane who ? '' `` diane stewart . '' `` diane from kinfolks restaurant ? '' tom 's gruff reply immediately telegraphed to julia far more than he realized . um , sure , i 'll add her to the guest list . uh , is diane a-special friend of yours ? '' tom fell silent for a moment . `` huh , '' said julia . tom ended the conversation quickly and julia put down her cell phone , wondering which blue plate special had precipitated her father 's new romance . definitely not the meatloaf , she thought . chapter 55 on january twenty-first , tom paced nervously at the entrance to the basilica in assisi . and the fact that julia and her bridesmaids were late did n't help matters . he tugged at his bow tie as he waited . then , a vision in white velvet over organza floated through the front doors like a luminescent cloud . `` dad , '' julia breathed , smiling with excitement as she walked toward him . tammy and rachel helped divest her of her cape and adjust the layers of her skirt , unfolding the train that extended behind her . then christina , the wedding planner who was hovering nearby , handed rachel and tammy their bouquets , which were a mixture of irises and white roses , designed to match their iris-colored dresses . `` you look pretty , '' tom mumbled , pressing a shy peck to julia 's cheek through her long veil . she flushed , looking down at her bouquet , which consisted of two dozen white roses and a few springs of holly . christina pulled tammy and rachel to stand at the entrance to the sanctuary , signaling to the organist that the processional was about to begin . tom smiled at julia nervously . `` i like your necklace , '' he said . julia 's hands flew to the pearls that hung around her neck . `` they were grace 's . '' she fingered the diamonds in her ears too but elected not to reveal their source . `` i wonder what she 'd think about you marrying her son . '' `` i 'd like to think that she 'd be happy . that she 's looking down on us and smiling . '' tom nodded again and shoved his hands into the pockets of his tuxedo . `` i 'm glad you asked me to walk you down the aisle . '' `` i did n't want to get married without you , dad . '' he cleared his throat , shifting awkwardly in his rented shoes . `` i should have kept you when i took you away from sharon the first time . i never should have sent you back . '' `` daddy , '' she whispered , tears overflowing . he reached over and hugged her , trying to show her with his embrace what he could n't say in words . `` i forgave you a long time ago . we do n't ever need to speak of it again . '' and i 'm glad you 're my dad . '' tom gave a strangled cough , then released her with a smile . he turned so he could peer down the long aisle that led to the altar , to where gabriel was standing with his brother and brother-in-law . all three men were dressed in black armani tuxedoes , with crisp white shirts . however , scott and aaron had eschewed gabriel 's choice of bow ties in favor of regular ones because bow ties were , as scott put it , `` for old men , young republicans , or professors . '' `` if you have any doubts , i 'll call a cab and take you home right now . '' julia squeezed his hand . `` no doubts . gabriel might not be perfect , but he 's perfect for me . `` i told him that i expected him to take care of my little girl . that if he was n't prepared to do that , we 'd have a problem . he said that if he treated you as anything less than the treasure you are , that i should come after him with my shotgun . '' `` i said that suited me fine . '' he offered julia his arm , and they nodded to the bridesmaids to begin the processional to j. s. bach 's `` sheep may safely graze . 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quinn dated reece 's friend becca for the last couple of years , although now they 're broken up . but now reece is with dante , so the timing still is n't right . i wonder if quinn is regretful of that ? he does n't seem to be , though , as he takes a bite of soup . i ca n't help but notice how big his hands are . he 's absolutely gigantic . `` so , how much trouble did you get into for riding titan ? '' he is n't apologetic at all . `` not much , '' i answer . `` just a lecture . apparently , i 'm supposed to stay away from you , too . but you can see how well that lecture took . '' marionette mutters under her breath and i can see that she does n't approve of my mother . i 'm not sure that i do , either . quinn 's eyes sparkle . `` am i a bad influence ? '' i 've never been the bad boy before . `` you 've never been the bad boy ? '' my eyebrows are raised . i 'm a midwesterner , remember ? oh , i guess you do n't . well , i 'm from the heartland of america where we 're polite and friendly and never know a stranger . yes , m'am . no , m'am and all that . although i am considering a tattoo . i 'm guessing your mom would n't approve of that , either . '' he 's smiling now , totally unrepentant and unconcerned . my pulse speeds up yet again . it seems to do that a lot around him . gavin said that he 's going to get one that says , `` always ready . '' quinn rolls his eyes good-naturedly . i have n't decided yet what i want . maybe you can help me . '' i do n't know you well enough to know what you should get . '' quinn winks . `` well , maybe that 's part of my diabolical plan . you 'll have to get to know me . '' `` devious , '' i grin . well , it might backfire on you . maybe i 'll get a matching tattoo and then you 'll be tied to me for life . '' `` needy , '' he observes . we laugh and marionette and darius laugh , too . and i like this kitchen . and i have decided that i 'm going to eat in here from now on . my mother can suck it . if she does n't want to join us , she can eat out there alone . she can keep up her seemly appearances all on her own . when we 're finished eating , quinn walks me out . we pass through the dining room and i see that my mother is gone . she left her dirty dishes , though . obviously carrying them to the kitchen would be unseemly . i 'm really starting to hate that word . i should make a list of the words i 'm starting to hate . seemly . i can add more later . right now , i 'm preoccupied with quinn . and his bulging biceps , long fingers and mischievous grin . i stare up at him and smile . `` do you and reece get along okay now ? '' i ask him as we turn onto the staircase leading to the bedrooms . `` gavin told me about you and reece 's history . so i just wondered , '' i shrug . i 'm trying to act nonchalant . i hope it 's coming across that way . in an effort to enhance the act , i make a point of examining the portraits of giliberti ancestors as we walk past them . their eyes seem to stare into my back . it 's sort of creepy . quinn raises an eyebrow . so , i fail . epically . apparently i was n't so nonchalant . `` i do n't know , '' i shrug again . i guess i find everything interesting nowadays . everything seems new . '' quinn smiles , a real and sincere smile . it 's salt of the earth . `` i guess that 's one benefit to amnesia , '' he tells me , as he lightly guides my elbow around the landing . if you want , '' he adds . start over , i mean . was the old me something i should re-do ? '' and cocks his head . and he is oh-so-sexy . `` old mia was someone who hated the pressure of worrying about what everyone thought . so you hid who you really were . maybe the new you wo n't be so concerned with it . '' `` i thought you did n't know me that well , '' i point out uncertainly . `` it was n't difficult to see , '' he answers as we resume the climb on the stairs . `` just worry about being who you really are . if you never remember who you were , that 's fine . you 're still you regardless . '' `` that 's very profound , '' i murmur .	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if tori could see me right now , she 'd hand me a piece of gum and tell me that my teeth will be nubs by the time i 'm 40 . i 'm so irritable today i 'd probably throw one of tori 's many stress balls at her head . or five or six of them . kylie martin : sorry , i 'm only willing to do it in person . if it 's not tonight or by tomorrow evening , it will be too late to do anything . she 's giving me an ultimatum . she 's using a limited timeframe to coerce me into going out to dinner with her , and i do n't like it one bit . ever since my sophomore year at college , i 've tried hard to avoid people who do that to me because it 's too reminiscent of the boy i dated all through high school who wanted to control everything i did . preston had had different demands for something or another every other day , and each one was something he 'd change his mind about as soon as i followed through . by the time he ended things with me he swore i was co-dependent . looking back at the situation now , i was . i focus on the screen again , attempting to ignore the bevy of emotions that thinking about preston always seems to bring about . tori says i probably never did and just went out with him because of my parental issues . still , there 's a bitter ping in the center of my chest . swallowing back memories and exasperation and the sense of defeat , i send kylie a reply : i do n't like being bullied any more than i enjoy being given a couple hours to decide something . kylie fires back a response seconds later . it 's just dinner - it 's not like i 'm asking you to get pregnant with my blue-haired love child and come live with us in paris , you know ? like i wrote you before , i know a way you can save your grandmother 's house . you just have to ... trust me . i ca n't do anything more than that online . massaging my upper nose in a slow , circular motion , i start tapping out a one-handed reply . it 's only a few words , but it takes me a couple minutes and several tries to make sure i do n't sound like the blubbering idiot i feel like right now . i wonder if she 's smiling wherever she is because she immediately writes yay ! about a minute later , she adds , fondue . oh god , please tell me you love fondue ? after i respond positively she types one last comment : kickass - fondue it is , then . i 'll pick you up at your place at seven , and i promise to have you home by midnight . see , i 'm a respectful date and wo n't even try to get to second base . catch up with you soon ! i send kylie a couple more messages asking her if she 's going for casual or formal dress and whether she can park at the end of the driveway so gram does n't see her , but she does n't answer either of them . i startle when i hear the front door slam . it rattles the bookshelf in the corner of my room , and i stumble off the bed , nearly breaking my neck on a pair of tall boots i left in the middle of the floor . glancing out the window , i see my grandmother 's land rover sitting in the driveway , backed in so that the open trunk is closest to the house . a moment later , gram yells up the stairs in a noticeably tired voice , `` sienna ? '' `` i 'm here , gram ! '' i call out , slipping my feet into a pair of flip-flops . i reach the foyer as gram shuffles through the front door , struggling with several bags of groceries . quickly , i scoop them out of her hands where the plastic has started to make harsh indentations on her wrists . she offers me a grateful look . `` i stopped and picked up some food for you so you wo n't starve to death while you 're here . all your favorites , and i 'll even cook them , '' she says , just a touch too brightly . i can see into the back of her suv from where i 'm standing . there are at least a dozen more bags in the trunk alone , not to mention what might be in the backseat . i feel a swell in my ribcage because my grandmother is on the verge of losing her house and having to spend money to relocate somewhere else . we both know she 's not got the funds to do things like stock a house with the foods i enjoy . instead of pointing this out to gram , or immediately grilling her about where she 's been , i move the bags in my right hand up and around my wrist and give her hand a tiny squeeze . `` thanks , gram , '' i say . then , keeping my tone as light and as teasing as possible , i add `` you have n't cooked in , what ?	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i could tel by the way he held me that it was no longer for show . he had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips , lightly touching his tongue to mine . i pul ed away and immediately watched for jared 's reaction ; his expression frightened me . i slowly moved to stand in front of ryan . `` jared ... . '' i warned . jared 's breathing was uneven , and his eyes were raging storms . `` move out of the way , nina . '' `` she 's made her choice , jared . it 's time you found someone else to ... . '' jared lunged forward and then jerked back , held by two smal hands . `` it 's time to go , '' claire said as her brother froze under her touch . ryan smiled , unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital . claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression , keeping firm hands on her brother . she seemed surprised that ryan had acknowledged her . the cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked . i backed up against ryan , turning to push him to safety . jared walked toward me and for the first time i felt safer knowing claire was near . ryan cal ed from inside the cab . jared stood just a few inches from me . `` do n't go home with him , '' he begged , his face compressing inward . i'l stay away ; you wo n't even know i exist . do n't do something we'l al regret just to push me away . '' ryan poked his head out of the open door . `` who says she has n't already ? '' he asked , gripping my inner thigh . jared did n't get far when he charged ryan for the second time . claire had kept her grip on him . i wanted to tel jared the truth : that he was the only one i 'd ever wanted in that way , and he would always be the only one . he had just told me he would move on , and i had to let him . she 's not worth it , '' claire said , tugging on him . jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him . she 's worth this a thousand times , '' his eyes glossed over then , and he final y tore his stare away from mine to fol ow his sister . i slid in next to ryan and he reached across me to shut the door . the cab ride seemed to take an eternity . i could hear ryan chattering , but the look on jared 's face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe . i rol ed down the window and rested my head against the door , letting the icy wind burn my face . my heart was breaking ; a real , physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body . ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pul ed me against him . i expected to feel the comfort i always felt with him , but it only made me feel worse . when we pul ed into brown , ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab . he twirled me a few times as we walked to andrews , and when we reached the door , he pul ed me to him . `` goodnight , '' he said , kissing my cheek . his lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps , prompting a slow , silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk . `` i should go in , '' i whispered . ryan 's lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth . he sighed as he made his way to my other cheek , and then kissed me again . he took a few steps backward and grinned . `` i'l cal you tomorrow , '' he said , turning to disappear into the darkness . with each step to my room i tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong . i had n't set out to hurt anyone , yet every decision i made seemed to cause others pain . i pushed open the door and col apsed onto my bed . through the whiskey fog i searched my past , trying to remember the exact moment that i 'd made a mistake , where i could have made a better choice . if i had chosen to stay with jared , no matter how sure he was , his family would be in danger . my choice to end things had left both of us in agony that did n't seem to be subsiding . convincing ryan to engage in a fake relationship with me had only accomplished ryan having false hope , and if it were even possible , i hurt jared worse than i already had . beth 's key rattled the door knob . she walked in to our dark room , throwing her purse onto the bedside table . `` i thought you went to chad 's , '' i said , turning to face her . she sat on my bed and placed her hand gently on my leg . `` i wanted to make sure you were al right . 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traumatized by matt 's death , she had doubly mourned the fact that they had never been able to make love and had sealed herself off from other men . if her first time could n't be with matt , it would be with no one . she had existed ever since as an animated sleeping beauty whose body had kept on functioning while her emotions had been suspended . robert felt a deep , savage satisfaction . despite that enormous barrier , he had succeeded where others had n't even been able to begin . her first time had been his . he had always despised promiscuity but had n't prized virginity . it had seemed to him the height of hypocrisy to demand something from a woman that he himself lacked . all of his sophisticated affairs , however , had nothing in common with the powerful , primitive sense of jealous possessiveness that had swept over him the moment he had realized that he was the only man ever to make love to evie . her association with landon mercer , whatever it was , was certainly not romantic in any sense . sitting there in the early dawn , with evie cradled on his lap , robert made a swift decision . he would n't stop the investigation , would n't warn her in any way , because the espionage had to be halted before it did irreparable harm to both the space station and national security . but when the net was tightened and all the traitorous little fish caught , he would step in and use his influence to shield evie from prosecution . she would n't escape punishment , but the punishment would be his , and his alone , to mete out . the simple truth was that he could n't bear for her to go to prison . he was astonished at himself , but there it was . he did n't know why she was involved in something so vile . he was a very good judge of people , and he would have sworn that honor was a cornerstone of her character . therefore , she had to be doing it for what she considered a good reason , though he could n't imagine what that could be . it was possible she did n't realize exactly what was going on ; that explanation fit better than any other , and made him all the more determined to protect her . as he had told her once , he was good at taking care of his own , and last night evie had become his in the most basic of ways . he was fiercely glad that nature 's rhythm had interfered with her wedding night all those years ago . a lot of his jealousy for the boy faded away , and a rather poignant pity took its place . matt shaw had died without ever tasting the perfection of his young wife 's body . robert remembered the moment the night before when he had removed her last garment and seen her totally naked , nothing left to his imagination any longer . to his numb surprise , his imagination had fallen short . he had seen her breasts before , but each time he had marveled at how firm and round they were , delightfully upright , the nipples small and a delectable shade of dark pink . her body curved in to a lithe waist , then flared again to very womanly hips . her skin , in the silver moonlight , had glowed like alabaster . instead of being model thin , like the women he had been accustomed to , her curves had been lush and sensual . he had n't been able to wait but had mounted her immediately . a gentleman would have been far more considerate of her than he had been , but he had always been wryly aware that , despite what all his acquaintances thought , he was definitely not a gentleman . he was controlled and intelligent and not a cruel man , but that was n't the same thing as being gentlemanly . where evie was concerned , though , his control went right out the window . his mouth took on a grim line as he remembered the wild rush of passion , the primitive instinct to make her his , that had blotted out all reason . not only had he hurt her , he had n't used a condom . he , who had never before neglected to make certain some form of protection was used , had n't even given a thought to birth control . she might be pregnant . he allowed the possibility to seep into his mind just as the golden light began to seep over the ridge of mountains . to his surprise , he did n't feel any panic or disgust at his stupidity . rather , he felt pleased - and intrigued . he put his hand inside the sheet , resting it on her cool , flat belly . `` we may be parents . i did n't wear a condom . '' she gave him a composed look . the tears and grief were now well under control . `` i went to my doctor in huntsville and got a prescription for birth-control pills . '' he felt a not altogether pleasant jolt . he should have been relieved , but instead he was strangely disappointed . common sense prevailed however . `` not long after meeting you , '' she said wryly . robert almost snorted at the amount of work he 'd had his people doing , trying to find out what she had been doing , whom she had seen , that day in huntsville .	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you already agreed to it . '' he just scoffs , and then we 're at my locker , and jane kind of pulls me by the elbow away from tiny and says quietly , `` you know , you ca n't say that stuff . '' `` damned if i talk , damned if i do n't , '' i say , smiling . grayson , i just-you ca n't say those things . '' `` cute girl things . '' `` because i am still doing research on the relationship between water polo and epiphanies . '' she tries a small , tight-lipped smile . `` you wan na go to the tiny dancer tryouts with me ? '' tiny is still thumbing away . `` grayson , i can't-i mean , i am kind of taken , you know ? '' `` i 'm not asking you on a date . i 'm asking you to an extracurricular activity . we will sit in the back of an auditorium and laugh at the kids auditioning to play me . '' i have n't read tiny 's play since last summer , but as i recall , there are about nine meaty parts : tiny , his mom ( who has a duet with tiny ) , phil wrayson , tiny 's love interests kaleb and barry , and then this fictional straight couple who make the character tiny believe in himself or whatever . and there 's a chorus . altogether , tiny needs thirty cast members . i figure there will be maybe twelve people at the auditions . but when i arrive in the auditorium after chem , there are already at least fifty people lounging around the stage and the first few rows of seats waiting for the auditions to start . gary is running around handing everyone safety pins and pieces of paper with handwritten numbers on them , which the auditioners are pinning to themselves . and , since they are theater people , they are all talking . they do not need to be heard ; they only need to be speaking . i take a seat in the back row , one in from the aisle so that jane can have the aisle . she shows up just after i do and sits down next to me , appraises the situation for a second , and then says , `` somewhere down there , grayson , there 's someone who will have to look into your soul in order to properly embody you . '' i 'm about to respond when tiny 's shadow passes over us . he kneels next to us , handing us each a clipboard . `` please write a brief note about each person who you 'd consider for the role of phil . also i 'm thinking of writing in a small role for a character named janey . '' then he marches confidently down the aisle . `` people , please take a seat . '' people scurry into the first few rows as tiny hurtles onto the stage . `` we have n't much time , '' he says , his voice weirdly affected . he 's talking like he thinks theater people talk , i guess . `` first , i need to know if you can sing . one minute of a song from each of you ; if you 're called back , you 'll read for a part then . you may choose your song , but know this : tiny . he jumps off the stage dramatically , and then shouts , `` number one , make me love you . '' number 1 , a mousy blonde who identifies herself as marie f , climbs the stairs beside the stage and slouches to a microphone . she looks up through her bangs toward the back of the auditorium , where it says in large purple block letters wildkits rock . she proceeds to prove otherwise with a stunningly bad rendition of a kelly clarkson ballad . `` oh , my god , '' jane says under her breath . `` i do n't know what you 're talking about , '' i mumble . `` this chick 's a lock for the role of janey . she sings off-key , loves corporate pop , and dates bitchsquealers . '' number 2 is a boy , a husky lad with hair too long to be considered normal but too short to be considered long . he sings a song by a band apparently called damn yankees-jane knows them , natch . i do n't know how the original sounds , but this guy 's howler-monkey a cappella rendition of it leaves a lot to be desired . `` he sounds like someone just kicked him in the nuts , '' jane says ; to which i respond , `` if he does n't stop soon , someone will . '' by number 5 , i 'm wishing for a mediocre rendition of something inoffensive like `` over the rainbow , '' and i suspect tiny is , too , from the way his peppy , `` that was great ! has devolved into a , `` thanks . the songs vary from jazz standards to boy band covers , but all the performers have one thing in common : they sort of suck .	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`` you had two people in your freezer , and you 're giving me shit about smoking . '' rivera sat down and leaned back in the chair . `` tommy , i 'm going to give you one more chance to tell me how you killed those people , then i 'm going to let nick back in here and i 'm going to leave . this room is soundproof , you know . '' `` you 're not going to believe me . it 's a pretty fantastic story . there 's supernatural stuff involved . '' rivera rubbed his temples . `` satan told you to do it ? '' `` i told you , it 's supernatural . '' `` tommy , i 'm going to tell you something i 've never told anyone before . if you repeat it , i 'll deny i said it . five years ago i saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky . '' `` i heard that cops get the best drugs , '' tommy said . rivera got up . `` i 'm going to bring nick in . '' you can thaw jody out and ask her . '' rivera reached over and turned on the tape recorder . start at the beginning and go until we walked you into this room . '' an hour later rivera met cavuto behind the one-way mirror . cavuto was not happy . `` you know , i 'd rather you just threaten that i would beat him up . '' `` there 's nothing there we can use . if he sticks with that story he 'll get off on insanity . i want to know how he got the blood out of the bodies . '' `` the kid thinks he 's a writer . he 's showing off his imagination . let 's let him sit awhile and get something to eat . i want to find the emperor . '' `` that wacko ? '' chapter 29 paying respects gilbert bendetti liked his job , really liked his job . it was a government job , of sorts , so the benefits were good and the work easy . he liked working nights , too , it was quiet and he was usually in the morgue by himself , so he did n't have to feel self-conscious about his weight or his bad skin . he liked playing with computers and the lab equipment , and he liked answering the phone and acting official . being the night man at the coroner 's office would have been a great job even if he did n't get to fuck the dead , but with that , it was heaven . tonight gilbert was bubbling with anticipation . they had wheeled miss right in that afternoon and left him explicit instructions not to put her away , but to let her sit out to thaw for the autopsy . some psycho had put her in a freezer . sick bastard had put tv dinners under her arms . now she was curled up on a gurney , teasing him . that cocktail dress , that red hair - he could hardly wait . he checked the log and locked his skin books in the desk drawer , then loosened his lab coat and went down the hall to test her for flexibility . the last time he checked she 'd started to get a little flexibility , but he knew that inside she was - well - frigid , despite the salisbury-steak gravy dripping from under her arms . he pushed through the glass door into the holding room and there she was , just as he had left her , her pouty lips beckoning to him , her lovely legs curled up behind her . `` my angel , '' gilbert said , `` shall i help you with those pesky panty hose ? '' he straightened her legs on the gurney and pushed her skirt up . she was still a little chilly , but she was movable . good , once rigor mortis set in , passion could put you into positions that would challenge a yoga master . gilbert had thrown his back out more than once . her panty hose were sheer black , but except for her right big toe , her feet were dusty . she must have been walking in her stocking feet . indulging himself in some foreplay , gilbert had sucked her big toe clean shortly after they brought her in . foreplay , sorta . he considered testing her with the meat thermometer , but she was so perfect , he did n't want to mark that lovely body . he reached up under her skirt , grabbed the waistband of her panty hose , and began to work them down . `` black lace panties , my goodness ... '' he tried to remember her name , then checked her toe tag . `` my goodness , jody , how did you know i liked black lace ? '' he peeled her panty hose off , stopping to loosen the toe tag first , then ran his hands up her thighs after the lace panties . `` and a natural redhead , '' gilbert said , dropping the panties on the floor . he stepped back a moment to admire her and slip out of his lab coat .	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my childhood dream , that i thought for sure would never come true . i really could have anything i wanted . `` i 'll make sure to put it on my christmas list , '' i said , leaning back in my seat . the drive was a short one , taking us to a place downtown that i 'd walked past many times , never even considering the possibility that i might eat there someday . it was sleek and elegant , more along the lines of what i had been expecting on our first date . while the inn was lovely and comfortable , this looked more like the sort of place a high-powered businessman would propose to his supermodel wife . or me , as the case might be . when we pulled up to the curb , daniel jumped out of the car and quickly ran to my side , opening my door before i had a chance . he gave me his hand to help me out . as we walked arm-in-arm up the steps that led to the entrance , i could feel eyes on me . i really should have gotten my hair done . the host looked up and smiled when we walked in the door . `` mr. thorne , we have your table right over here . i had never felt more awkward in my life - and that was saying something . walking between the booths and tables of the fanciest restaurant in the city , i tried to keep my eyes focused on the wall directly in front of me , but i knew people were watching me . i looked like a little girl playing dress up in mommy 's fancy clothes . it was absurd to think i could ever fit in an environment like this . no matter how much money daniel spent on me , i 'd always stand out as someone who was just pretending . the host handed us our menus . `` your server will be with you in a moment . '' daniel laid his menu down on the table , unopened . `` before you decide on anything , i recommend waiting to hear the specials . they 're always seasonal and fresh as it gets . '' i did n't feel like looking at my menu anyway . i did n't feel like eating , for that matter . the server came back shortly , prattling on about braised this and locally grown that . i ordered something i hardly understood , and he came back shortly with a bottle of white wine . as he poured us both a glass , i forced a smile at daniel , acutely aware that we were being watched . hopefully , if i looked strange , it would pass as the anxiety of a woman who was expecting to be proposed to , but was still unsure if it would really happen or not . daniel said , and i realized that i had n't spoken in a long time . `` it 's very ... it 's very classy . '' `` not the sort of place you eat every day . '' daniel poured himself a second glass of wine . `` but , it 's nice for special occasions . '' `` you could eat here every day , '' i said . `` if you wanted to . '' he looked down at his napkin , unfolding and spreading it over his lap with exaggerated slowness so he would n't have to meet my eyes . to anyone listening it would probably sound like an innocent comment , but he and i both knew it was calculated to annoy him . he did n't speak again until our entrees came . i had some sort of fish that was perfectly done , sweet and flaky , with crisp young asparagus and risotto on the side . i ate as much of it as i could manage , even though it seemed to turn to sand in my mouth . i finished the last of the wine , and daniel gestured for another bottle . after our plates were cleared away and we ordered dessert , he finally seemed to have relaxed a bit . he started talking again as if we were really just a couple on a date . `` do you really want to go to the moon ? '' his eyes were sparkling with amusement . `` i mean ... yeah . i thought everybody did . '' but i really hope you can , someday . '' `` i always wanted to go to space camp when i was a kid , but it was always too expensive . '' i laid my fork down on my plate , leaving my tiramisu half-uneaten . it was inevitable that there would be an awkward silence every time the topic of money came up . i was n't sure which one of us was more to blame for it , but it was almost palpable every time . i shook my head and tried to think of an appropriate change of subject . `` was n't there something ridiculous you wanted to do as a kid ? '' he pondered this for a moment . `` become a doctor ? '' `` well , neither is going to the moon , if you 're cut out to become an astronaut . but for me , it was . '' i took a drink of my water . `` i got older , i suppose . i readjusted my expectations for myself . '' the server came by with refills , and daniel ordered a bottle of champagne .	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she looked as though she wanted to clench her fingers around her hair and pull . `` nay , you should n't have protected me better , husband . what you should have done was allowed me to protect myself ! '' `` you 're not making sense , lass . you should be above stairs in your chamber . '' `` do you know what had just happened before those men attacked me ? '' she asked , ignoring his suggestion to return indoors . my sword had just been taken by hugh because he said he did n't want me to be harmed and 't was not a womanly thing to be wielding a sword . he warned the other men that any who engaged me in swordplay would answer to him . '' she advanced on caelen and poked a finger into his chest . `` if i had my sword , those men would have never gotten close to me . they would n't have shoved me to the snow . they would n't have touched me . they would n't have hit me . '' ah , but the lass had worked herself into a fit of rage that was impressive to behold . it shamed him that he fair quivered with lust as she bore down on him aggressively as a warrior about to deliver a death blow . 't was all he could do not to bear her into the snow and divest her of her tunic and those hated trews . `` if you wanted a meek lady of the manor with all the social niceties and the proper grooming and breeding to be a perfect hostess and compliment to you , then you should have thought before you stepped forward to marry in your brother 's stead . he knew what he was getting . '' she planted her hands on her h*ps and stepped forward again until her chest was pressed against his midsection . `` i am none of those things . i have no desire to be those things . i had set my mind to relent and to apply myself to be the perfect wife , and then the men came across the brook and overpowered me as easily as they would a child . what good am i to you or to my clan if i can not even defend myself ? how am i supposed to protect my kin ? the other women of the keep ? will i stand over the graves of others and murmur that i was a good wife and a gracious lady ? will that be of comfort to their families ? will they forgive that i stood by and allowed their loved one to die because my husband wanted a wife who could smile prettily and curtsy without getting her feet tangled ? '' caelen battled the smile that threatened . he bit at his bottom lip and valiantly tried to keep his amusement at bay , for if he laughed now , she might well spit him on her dagger . 't was the truth he should be angry at her blatant show of disrespect . he should even now be reprimanding her . but 't was the first sign of life he 'd seen in the week since her attack , and god 's truth , she was glorious in her rage . `` think you this is funny ? '' she shoved at him with all her might , surprising him with her sudden move . he went down in the snow , landing with a thud . he glared up at her as he dusted the snow from the tops of his legs . she stood over him now , holding him captive with her fiery gaze . then her expression became pained , and the shadows returned to her eyes . `` let me be who i am , caelen . i would not ask you to change who you are . i can help you if you 'd let me . do n't relegate me to the shadows , pulling me out only when 't is convenient for you . maybe 't is the way of things in the world , but it does n't have to be that way for us . '' caelen sighed as her impassioned plea made a direct hit to a region of his heart he 'd long thought dead. `` 't is so important to you to dress as a man and wield a sword ? '' she frowned and shook her head. `` 't is not the manner of dress that 't is important . if you can show me how to successfully wield a sword in a woman 's gown , i 'll not gainsay you if you tell me not to wear this manner of dress again . '' `` you ca n't go about swinging a sword in a gown , '' caelen muttered . `` you 'd trip over the hem . '' for the first time she smiled , her eyes lighting up with more life than he 'd seen in quite some time . `` then i have your permission to wear these garments ? '' `` when have you ever sought my permission for anything , lass ? '' `` i can be accommodating , '' she defended . `` when it suits your purposes , aye . '' then he narrowed his gaze to stare intently at her . `` there are conditions , rionna . henceforth , my commander will accompany you everywhere . you 'll go nowhere unescorted .	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he 'd been an ass this morning , raving on about werewolf superiority , but he could n't let himself be swamped with regret right now . taking the carving from the mantel , he sat down on her sofa and put it in his lap . instantly he felt closer to her , as he had all those times when he 'd stood beside his own mantel and gazed at her work . `` she 's a great artist . '' lionel settled himself in an easy chair next to the sofa . `` nobody carves wolves the way she does . '' `` she has a gift , all right . '' you do n't have to sit here unless you- '' `` i 'll sit here . '' lionel 's dark gaze was troubled . `` the minute you figure out where she is , we 're leaving . '' `` that 's if i find out . '' jake looked at the kid , whose every muscle was tense with worry . taking a deep breath , he closed his eyes and spread his hands over the remembered grooves of the wolf carving . at first he got nothing except a fuzzy transmission that could have been his own thoughts ricocheting around in his brain . he was easily as tense as lionel . he forced himself to relax and try again . i 'm in an suv . alaskan highway going south . the bastards had taken her ! he gripped the wood . about fifty minutes . hang on , rachel . watch for my truck . hurry , jake . opening his eyes , he stood and carefully laid the carving on the sofa . jake filled him in as he headed for the front door . `` should i bring my gun , then ? '' lionel followed close behind . `` it 's in my truck . i have ammunition . '' jake debated for a second . he was n't a fan of guns , especially the exact rifle that had wounded him a short time ago . he would never shoot any creature . but tires ... that was a different matter . `` bring your gun . '' he walked out the front door with lionel right behind him . `` how about my red emergency light ? '' jake had no idea what the kid was talking about , so he continued out the door and down the path to the parking area , moving fast . `` just an old one , the bubblegum kind . '' `` why do you have it in the first place ? '' something i picked up for fun , to scare my friends . '' lionel hurried to keep up . `` you can stick it on the top of your vehicle , and when you turn it on , at first glance you look like a cop . '' `` well , yeah , but you can get away with stuff like that out here . not too many cops to catch you doing it . me and my friends , we play tricks on each other all the time . '' that might come in handy . '' they reached the parking area and jake started toward his truck . `` i have a siren , too . '' jake looked at him and shrugged . bring everything . '' he did n't know how this would all shake out , but he 'd use whatever tools presented themselves . an emergency light and a siren might be just what he needed as a distraction . moments later , they were heading toward the highway , going way over the speed limit . lionel glanced over at the speedometer . `` see , here 's my thought . if we put the bubble light on top , we can fool anybody on the road into thinking we have a right to speed . '' `` except a cop . '' `` which is why i brought my fuzz buster . '' lionel stuck it on the dash . `` and my converter plug so we can run everything . '' jake kept his eyes on the road because he really was going way too fast , but with all of lionel 's paraphernalia , they might get away with racing along like maniacs . fortunately , the suv they were pursuing would be driving at a very sedate pace . whoever was in the car with rachel would n't want to be pulled over with a kidnap victim on board . but by the time jake finished with them , they might wish it had been the real cops who pulled them over . as they raced along , jake tried not to worry about lionel hanging out the window while he used his long arms to slap the bubble light on the roof of the cab . `` do n't fall out , okay ? '' `` hey , this is nothing ! you should see me doing it while i 'm driving ! '' that was the moment jake realized he would have to work hard not to be an overprotective father when the time came . maybe rachel could help him with that and remind him that all kids , werewolf and human alike , needed space to grow . lionel got the light working , and jake took full advantage of the fact that cars pulled over to let him by . the emergency light was a brilliant concept . they were making excellent time . `` want me to crank up the siren , mr .	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`` give me a day or so . i 'll be back with everything you need . '' `` i 'd do anything for you , man . '' except allow him to play daddy to this coming baby . not that luc should expect it . or deserved it after the way he 'd manipulated kimber and his cousin . `` same here , '' he said finally . `` you okay with the baby and everything ? '' the news of deke 's pending fatherhood had nearly staggered him to his knees , left him unable to breathe . deke now had everything luc had ever wanted . kimber and his cousin had barely tried to conceive and ... luc sighed . he was thrilled for them . for himself , he despaired . and he did n't want to talk about it again . think about it , even . his own failure as a man was sharp enough without the rehash . this week he could n't do a damn thing to move closer to his dream . until he returned home , he had to focus on his promise to alyssa and now on keeping her safe . at the top of his list had to be figuring out who her stalker was . his best suspects were primpton , a nut job if he 'd ever seen one . or peter , the frat boy who had money and apparently had n't learned the meaning of the word `` no . '' but what about tyler ? would the bouncer manufacture terror so that alyssa felt it necessary to be closer to him ? he was shifty enough , but after tonight 's display at the club , luc could n't see why he 'd have to . tyler could touch her any way , anytime , he wanted . finally , luc answered deke the only way he could . i 'm thrilled for you both . '' `` maybe you should ... get tested again . it 's been a while , right ? '' years , but nothing would change the fact he had a ridiculously low sperm count . enduring the humiliation of jacking off into a plastic tube again made no sense . i 've read recently about a surgery that extracts sperm . i 'm also looking into adoption . or maybe i 'll find someone with small kids or ... all great ones . '' `` i 'll work it out . in the meantime , take care of your sweet wife and give her my regards . '' deke sounded reluctant , but he dropped the subject and ended the call . as soon as luc pocketed his phone , he swore and did his best to push aside the turmoil brewing in his gut . he had more pressing problems now . he should have checked the house before letting alyssa burst in . if someone had breached her car and her club , it seemed logical he might hit her house next-and perhaps make the attack more personal . thanking god that nothing in the house looked disturbed , luc bounded up the stairs two at a time with a pounding heart . he reached the landing quickly . light spilled from her bedroom door , and he eased inside . a rumpled bed , feminine knickknacks scattered across the dresser , a book on the bedside table . but a trail of clothing snagged his attention . strewn across the gleaming hardwood floor , her tank top , filmy white skirt , silky hose , black garter belt , and lacy bra lay a step or two apart . heart beating even harder , he followed the pieces to her half-open bathroom door . a barely there thong with a rhinestone-studded goddess hung from the knob . luc leaned to the right and saw inside . and lost his ability to breathe . alyssa had pinned her hair atop her head in a haphazard twist and filled her jetted tub with bubbles . she leaned back and sensuously soaped her gleaming skin with a pink loofah . closing her eyes , she sighed . instantly , he got hard enough to pound steel . luc had ascertained that she was safe and no one had broken into her house . he knew needed to back the hell away now . but like last night when he 'd watched her bring herself to orgasm , he could n't seem to make his feet move . suddenly , she lifted her sultry blue gaze to him . in fact , he feared he 'd gone beyond wanting her to needing her . luc drew in a shaky breath . he just needed to get laid . his sex drive had finally reasserted itself after kimber and deke 's decision to become a couple-and exclude him . alyssa just happened to be the first female in a fifty-foot radius . except ... if he 'd met her yesterday and she looked like she 'd be the sort of mother he had in mind , he would have hustled her into bed and into a relationship as fast as he possibly could . he did n't just want her ; he was beginning to like her . and that made her all the more dangerous .	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head back to my self-contained shack about half a mile from the homestead , crank up the classic rock i liked and kick back . but first , a shower to wash off the grime of the day . it was my ritual , something i savored , because id never been able to relax during a shower at any of the foster homes id grown up in . being naked in a strangers house always made me feel vulnerable . and thats what every house id been shunted to felt like : a strangers place . id never felt at home in any of them , not even the three years id spent in outer western sydney with a family who appeared surprisingly normal on face value . but the ainsworths had their hang ups like the rest and i never felt anything other than what i was . the outsider . being welcomed at the dinner table for the simple fact having me there meant the family received a payout from the government . and while i hadnt endured some of the degrading stuff other foster kids put up with in exchange for a roof over their heads , i always felt vulnerable . like my entire life could come crashing down on my head at any time . like i did every night , i glanced around . yeah , like anyone would be taking a stroll around the station at this time of evening , just waiting until i made use of the outdoor shower . but old habits died hard and once i confirmed i wouldnt be accosted by a stray wallaby or rabid wombat , i cranked the shower lever , tested the water and stripped . i liked that the shower stall only came up to my waist . enhanced the feeling of openness , of being one with nature . corny shit , i know , but every evening i did this felt frigging great . i stepped under the tepid stream and tipped my head back . the moment i particularly enjoyed as part of my ritual because i got to see the billion stars starting to twinkle in the clear mauve sky . there was no sky on earth like the outback sky . not that id traveled much but the sky in sydney wasnt a patch on this . and somehow , when i looked up at the stars every night , i reckoned i deserved this after all the years id showered in a hurry so i wouldnt be caught out . i lathered up , taking my time as i always did despite the rationed water . yeah , i definitely deserved this . a noise captured my attention , the crunch of gravel underfoot , and i glanced over my shoulder . taking a dusk stroll , rounding the corner of my shack . my down time . last thing i needed was little miss prim and proper muscling in . her type may think they owned the place but she should be in the homestead where she belonged , sipping chamomile tea and watching soppy chick flicks . i turned off the water , belatedly realizing my predicament . my towel hung on the outside railing . in front of my shack . a good twelve feet away . i like walking at this time of evening . she shrugged , unable to tear her gaze away from my chest . after spending all day in lecture theatres , its great to clear my head . she was probably a brainiac too . youre at university ? yeah , university of nevada , las vegas . she wrinkled her pert nose as if shed smelled something nasty . but id much rather be here right now . boyfriend troubles ? i didnt want to engage in conversation with her , but i had to admit she piqued my curiosity , because she hadnt been afraid to take a stroll in the semi darkness in the outback on her first night here . id need to have a boyfriend for there to be trouble , she muttered , a frown appearing between her brow . having a boyfriend ? her frown eased and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth . a mouth i suddenly couldnt look away from . i meant showering outdoors . i laid my hand on the stall knob and she took a step back . not that adventurous , huh ? she squared her shoulders and her head tilted up . so she didnt like being taunted ? id have to remember that . because a guy could have a shitload of fun teasing someone like her . i turned the knob and her eyes widened . i guess were about to find out how adventurous you really are . getting my towel . her frantic gaze darted around at the same time i opened the stall door . its behind you , in case you were wondering , i drawled , trying not to laugh at her obvious discomfort . i shouldnt tease her , i really shouldnt . she was a guest . but that urge to ruffle her poise when wed first met this afternoon was back , stronger than ever . and just when i thought she would turn tail and run , she surprised me . go ahead and get it . her gaze drifted from my chest , lower . wouldnt want you getting cold or anything . shed called my bluff . as for getting cold ? the only thing i was getting behind this stall door was hot . last chance , sweet thing . i swung open the stall door so slowly the hinges squeaked .	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when a subcontractor at one of rourke 's holding companies is killed , rourke decides to pay the widow a visit and offer condolences , never dreaming the widow will be kate . as they embark on a cautious journey of rediscovery , one far greater than they could have imagined , secrets and lies threaten to destroy their newfound closenessforever . paradise found how does one see trulywith the heart or with the eyes ? paradise found is book four of that second chance series . matt brandon has it allwealth , power , looks , and talent . women want him ; men want to be like him . when a freak ski accident strips him of one of lifes most basic needshis sighthe struggles to accept the possibility that his blindness may be permanent . enter , psychologist , sara hamilton , a woman who has known her own share of grief and loss and may just be the one person who can help matt redefine his new world . sara is every womans womanshe 's not a toothpick or a cosmo girl , has never been prom queen , or dated the blond-haired god with the big white teeth . shes honest and decent and real ... and lives on the perimeter , applauding her patients successes , nursing them through their failures , but never acknowledging or accepting her own lackings . shes loved and lost once and has been so emotionally scarred , shes not willing to risk those feelings again . of course , shes never met a man like matt brandon . as matt and sara explore the delicate balance between blind trust and hope , they will discover that sometimes you have to lose everything to find what you are truly looking for ... chapter two : suffocating in suburbia it is late afternoon and i am peeling potatoes for dinner . the dryer thumps in methodical cadence while black eyed peas hammers my brain from the floor above . i set down the peeler , stare at my hands . the knuckles are chapped , the nails short , the cuticles rough . eighteen years have stolen the sparkle from the ring on my left hand . i should take it to the jewelers but there is always a list and never an end . i should clean the corner behind the stool where the dog hair piles up in black fluffy clouds , vacuum the furnace grates , suck up the tiny stones and bits of dirtand more dog hair . i should sew the last seven patches on the girl scout vest so there will be no more snippy remarks about another meeting passed without patches . i should buy bread unsliced italian in a brown bagthe kind he likes with beef soup . and i should definitely go to the basement , right now , hop on the treadmill and walk , beginner level , fifteen minutes , no incline . i scratch my knuckles . they begin to bleed . hand lotion , thats what i should really do . i should do all of these things , perhaps at least some of them . maybe even one . and i should care that i have not . i grab the potato peeler , clutch it so hard my thumb hurts . i want to scream , i am done with the taking , the expecting , the crowding , but i can not let it come out . i sink further into indifference , my own and theirs . and i do not even care . but i did care once , when i had a brain that calculated more complicated tasks than the number of potatoes that serves four for vegetable soup , back when i had something to say that didnt end in discipline or disappointment . or disillusionment . it is a faint whisper rustling through my body . no one hears because they are too busy with their own needs , their own perceived emergencies , to see i am dying , breath by breath , right in front of them . even he is deaf to my quiet pleas . do i not speak loudly enough , or clearly enough , or with enough conviction ? do i not understand what it is i am asking for ? is there no room for asking , only taking ? how would i begin to take when i have been the giver for so long ? and what would i take ? the garage door opens signaling his arrival . dinner is always at 5:30 . i get up , walk to the stove , stir the soup . i dream at night , only i think they are not dreams at all , these long imaginings of myself laughing , talking , smoothing my hair back from my facesmiling . i am thinking these things outside of sleep , thinking this is how i want my life to be , how it should be . how i need it to be . and then , he says , did you remember to pay the line of credit today ? i do not open my eyes . i start to drift back to the place of my imaginings , where i am happy , at peace . you feel wonderful . his fingers move down my hip . he brushes his lips over my temple . i know this dance , each step , each turn , each gasp , in darkness or light it is all the same . i reach up , turn out the light . the end suffocating in suburbia embodies a womans struggle with her life of discontent .	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i need someone to help sell tickets and i was hoping you 'd talk jamella into letting you put up a flier and sell some tickets at the diner . savannah fanned herself . do you she started . savannah reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of small folded fliers . i was hoping you 'd say yes . now , if you need more , i 'd be happy to get you some . lauren looked down at the fliers . there was a picture of savannah and her white pekingese dog on the front wearing matching tiaras . savannah prided herself on being the town 's beauty queen . she always rode center stage in the town 's parades and had on several occasions been named fairplay 's princess . anyway , i better get back . she sighed and then stood . lauren followed her to the edge of the deck . i 'm so glad you stopped by . lauren stood on the steps above her . savannah turned and hugged her . we simply must do lunch sometime . lauren watched savannah get in her white jeep and drive away , slowly going over the dips and rivets in the long dirt drive . can you believe how much makeup she had on ? alex leaned back and sighed . lauren turned and glared at her sister . no more than you wear on any date with travis , haley said . alex glared at her little sister . lauren started laughing and haley followed . soon after , alex was joining in . -- -- -- -- -- -- chase stood in the market and looked down at the flowers . which ones would lauren like best ? he knew he had n't dealt with their last meeting the best way possible . he needed to show her that he did n't want to come in and take over everything . it had been a moment of craziness seven years ago when he 'd proposed the crazy scheme of marriage for money . okay , he 'd had his reasons back then . his heart had led him to tie up his future in a tight little knot . he had wanted out of the small town for a while and was heading to college in dallas . but hed also known that he wanted lauren . he just did n't know how to get everything . when he 'd sat across from her that day seven years ago listening to his father and mr. holton talk to her about all the money she now owed them , hed seen the despair in her eyes and hed felt something shift inside . he 'd honestly just wanted to see that look go away . after the older men left , he 'd sat out on the front porch swing and talked to her . he 'd just suggested it in passing , not really meaning it , but she had looked at him with such excitement that he hadnt been able to turn back . the next day , unknown to everyone in the small town , they 'd driven into tyler and had signed the paperwork at the courthouse . then he 'd stopped by the bank that held the inheritance that had been left to him by his grandmother . he 'd handed her the cash to pay her father 's debt to his two best friends , and plenty for her to live on for the next few years . a year later , while he 'd been attending college in dallas , he 'd received a letter from her with a check . he 'd thought about her message of wanting to pay him back , of wanting out of their arrangement , for two days before he 'd sent the check back to her with a note saying he did n't want her money . even then , he knew he did n't want out of their agreement . he 'd talked to cheryl on the phone and had asked if lauren was seeing anyone . when his father 's assistant called him back a few days later , after confirming it herself , he 'd been relieved to find out that lauren was still single . if she did n't want free from their agreement because of personal reasons , he knew she just wanted to be free from him . she 'd tried again a few weeks later , this time sending money orders in his name . he 'd returned those to her as well . then six months later , she 'd started sending him receipts from the local bank . the receipts showed both of their names on an account and the dollar amounts she was depositing . one thing you had to say about heronce she had her mind set on something , she never gave up . well , you could say that about him as well . he was determined to show lauren that he was just what she needed . after seeing her for the first time in seven years , he realized how much he still wanted her . she 'd done a lot of growing up since he 'd last seen her ; he supposed they 'd both done some . he 'd enjoyed exploring the new curves shed developed since the last time he 'd kissed her . kissing her was like breathing again for the first time in seven years . now he looked down at the flowers . he set the white ones down and picked up the yellow ones .	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`` let 's get the subject of burton out of the way . anne gazed sightlessly into the distance . `` what always happens ? '' marta scowled as she added , `` younger , no doubt . '' `` thirty years younger . '' `` i hope he paid through the nose for this . '' anne did n't answer . the details were n't anyone 's business but her own . `` it depresses me to discuss it , so let 's not , all right ? '' `` the jerk , '' marta muttered , and said something else under her breath , something anne would n't ask her to repeat . `` shall we toast to independence ? '' marta asked , tears filling her eyes . anne leaned forward and touched her friend 's hand . `` what 's always wrong ? '' she murmured , echoing anne 's earlier statement . marta nodded , lowering her eyes . naturally , he still thinks i have no idea , but a blind woman could 've figured it out . '' so this was the reason marta had sought her out . `` twenty-seven years with a man , and you assume you know him . she made a gallant effort to smile through her tears . raising the wineglass to her lips , she took a long and appreciative swallow . `` you 're considering a divorce ? '' marta shrugged . `` i ca n't imagine the rest of my life without jack , but i ca n't tolerate the thought of him with another woman-especially while he 's married to me ! anne noticed that her friend 's hand trembled as she put down her wineglass . `` half the time i want to bash his head in for hurting me like this and the rest of the time i cry . '' `` you 're sure he 's having an affair ? '' marta reached for her wine and took another large swallow . tears glistened in her eyes again . `` all right , my wise friend , advise me . '' anne felt in no position to be giving her advice , although she supposed she could tell marta what not to do . she 'd been cheated and misled , and all because she 'd been naive . the waiter appeared at their table , and anne realized they had n't even looked at their menus . they did so quickly , both deciding on the salmon entree . resuming the conversation , anne called on her own experience . the first thing she suggested was that marta talk to an attorney , and not one her husband recommended . from this point forward , everything jack said was suspect , since he 'd lied to her already . marta needed facts and information . anne might have saved herself a lot of grief had she hired an attorney of her own choosing-and done so earlier . their dinners arrived . they chatted , they ate , they laughed and cried , and then laughed again . `` i ca n't tell you how wonderful it is to talk with someone openly and honestly , '' marta said after their second glass of wine and two cups of strong coffee . `` i did n't know where else to turn . lots of our friends have split up over the years , but ... this just ca n't be happening . not to jack and me , and yet it is , and i do n't know what to do about it . '' anne squeezed marta 's hand . `` i hoped burton would come to his senses . i prayed and pleaded with god to give me my husband back . my entire identity was tied up with his . '' marta grew tearful again . `` i 'm beginning to wonder if god really answers our prayers . '' anne believed he did . `` while it 's true god did n't give me the answer i wanted , he did answer me . '' `` i have my own identity now , and it is n't that of burton 's ex-wife . i 'm anne fletcher-and i 'm also mary fleming , artist . '' `` why did you decide to use a pseudonym ? '' it was a well-kept secret . only a few people knew . her fear was that friends , out of pity and concern , would purchase her landscapes in a desire to support her . anne did n't want their sympathy . come hell or high water , she was determined to make it on her own . `` mary fleming is business-savvy , smart and talented . anne fletcher is meek , mild and a victim , in the eyes of the world . '' `` i love it , '' marta said , reaching for the tab and signing it to her room . `` speaking of mary , '' she said , `` i 'm really looking forward to seeing her work . '' `` is that anne or mary speaking ? '' `` anne , '' she confessed with a laugh . `` okay , come to my car with me . i brought a sketch . '' they left the hotel , and anne handed the valet her claim check .	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to her surprise , the girl smiled . and they sure give the rest of us a bad name , '' she stuck out her hand . `` i 'm pennyweather van syckle-lockwood . you can call me penn . '' `` got it , '' luce said , still too frazzled to realize that , in a former life , she might have stifled a laugh at this girl 's moniker . it sounded like she 'd hopped straight off the pages of a dickens novel . then again , there was something trustworthy about a girl with a name like that who could manage to introduce herself with a straight face . `` i 'm lucinda price . '' `` and everybody calls you luce , '' penn said . `` and you transferred from dover prep in new hampshire . '' luce asked slowly . penn shrugged . `` i 'm kidding , i read your file , duh . luce stared at her blankly . maybe she 'd been too hasty with that trustworthy judgment . how could penn have access to her file ? penn took over running the water . when it got warm , she motioned for luce to lower her head into the sink . `` see , the thing is , '' she explained , `` i 'm not actually crazy . '' she pulled luce up by her wet head . then lowered her back down . `` i 'm the only kid at this school without a court mandate . and you might not think it , but being legally sane has its advantages . for example , i 'm also the only kid they trust to be an office aide . which is dumb on their part . i have access to a lot of confidential shit . '' `` but if you do n't have to be here - `` `` when your father 's the groundskeeper of the school , they kind of have to let you go for free . so penn trailed off . penn 's father was the groundskeeper ? from the looks of the place , it had n't crossed luce 's mind that they even had a groundskeeper . `` i know what you 're thinking , '' penn said , helping luce shampoo the last of the gravy from her hair . `` that the grounds are n't exactly well kept ? '' `` no , '' luce lied . she was eager to stay on this girl 's good side and wanted to put out the be-my-friend vibe way more than she wanted to seem like she actually cared about how often someone mowed the lawn at sword and cross . `` it 's , um , really nice . '' `` dad died two years ago , '' penn said quietly . `` they got as far as sticking me with decaying old headmaster udell as my legal guardian , but , uh , they never really got around to hiring a replacement for dad . '' `` i 'm sorry , '' luce said , lowering her voice , too . so someone else here knew what it was like to go through a major loss . `` it 's okay , '' penn said , squirting conditioner into her palm . `` it 's actually a really good school . i like it here a lot . '' now luce 's head shot up , sending a spray of water across the bathroom . it totally sucks . '' `` but you ca n't bring yourself to leave , '' luce said , tilting her head , curious . penn bit her lip . `` i know it 's morbid , but even if i were n't stuck with udell , i could n't . my dad 's here . '' she gestured toward the cemetery , invisible from here . `` he 's all i 've got . '' `` then i guess you 've got more than some other people at this school , '' luce said , thinking of arriane . her mind rolled back to the way arriane had gripped her hand on the quad today , the eager look in her blue eyes when she made luce promise she 'd swing by her dorm room tonight . `` she 's gon na be okay , '' penn said . `` it would n't be monday if arriane did n't get carted off to the nurse after a fit . '' `` but it was n't a fit , '' luce said . `` it was that wristband . it was shocking her . '' `` we have a very broad definition of what makes for a 'fit ' here at sword and cross . your new enemy , molly ? she 's thrown some legendary fits . they keep saying they 're going to change her meds . hopefully you 'll have the pleasure of witnessing at least one good freak-out before they do . '' penn 's intel was pretty remarkable . it crossed luce 's mind to ask her what the story was with daniel , but the complicated intensity of her interest in him was probably best kept to a need-to-know basis . at least until she figured it out herself . she felt penn 's hands wringing the water from her hair .	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in this moment , right now , i hate myself . gripping hold of the sink , i try to control the shakes convulsing through me . then i throw up . chapter nineteen `` you were gone ages , '' will says . i smooth my skirt down as i sit in my seat , acutely aware of the fact that i have no panties on . the queue for the toilet was really long , and when i was in there , i felt a little sick . '' concern i really do not deserve . i just felt a little hot , a little queasy , but i 'm fine now . '' i 'm not fine , i 'm miserable , disgusted with myself , and so very screwed up . here i was promising myself i 'd be better for will , and then i go and have sex with jake in a bathroom . and now i 'm an even bigger mess than i was before . i pick my margarita up . `` is it a good idea to drink that if you feel sick , darling ? i can go to the bar and get you some water if you want ? '' `` no , i 'm fine - honestly , '' i add at will 's worried expression . what i need right now is alcohol and lots of it . i take a deep gulp of my margarita . stuart catches my eye and gives me a knowing look , lifting his eyebrow . he knows i 'm sleeping with jake . dave knows so it makes sense he does . i 've spent the last five days holed up with jake . and stuart is his pa . he knows jake 's itinerary , his every movement . it 's his job to . i bet he thinks i 'm a complete slut . i glance across the room , past stuart , and see jake is with zzhuilette again . i get a twisted feeling in my stomach . she 's sitting in his lap and they 're sharing a cigarette . she puts it in his mouth , holding it to his lips while he takes a drag . touching his lips with her fingers . lips that were on mine minutes before . kissing me , everywhere . she transfers the cigarette to her own lips and takes a long , sultry drag . leaning close , she blows the smoke into jake 's mouth . i feel a flash of white hot jealously streak through me , as i see that his hand is on her thigh , his other stroking her arm , intimately . i have a flash of memory , his hands on me , touching me . then i watch as jake releases the used smoke from his mouth , and leans in and whispers something in her ear . how can he do this when he was just in there with me ? how can he move on so quickly ? he 's sitting there with her in his lap , and my torn panties in his pocket . then with clear defiance on his face , he grabs hold of the back of her head , and plants his mouth on hers . i almost vomit into my drink . he was hav*g sx with me less than ten minutes ago and now he 's out here kissing another woman . i know i 'm no angel in this , but i would never have come back out here , after been with him in there , and stuck my tongue down will 's throat . hot tears burn the backs of my eyes . i have the urge to run . and it 's not like i can just run off anyway . will would wonder what the hell was wrong with me . i 'm trapped here , doomed to watch , while jake kisses another woman , minutes after hav*g sx with me . deep breaths , tru . closing my eyes , shutting them out , i pick my margarita up and drain the glass . but i have to look again . it 's torture , but i ca n't help myself . i open my eyes to see jake 's no longer kissing her ; he 's talking to tom , who also has a groupie hanging off him . but zzhuilette is still in jake 's lap . her hands are on him . i hate her , and i hate him . no i do n't , i love him . but i want to hate him . in this moment it 's all i want . it would make all of this so much easier if i did . because this is jake . it 's what he 's famous for . he never gave a shit about being with me . i 'm just a challenge to him . something to conquer . he would have got bored with me the instant he took me off will , and would have tossed me aside like all the rest of them . jake can have his pick of women . there 's not one single reason why he would have wanted me as his forever . and i 'm seeing the evidence clear , now , before me . `` another drink , darling ? '' will 's already on his feet , gesturing to my empty glass .	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i had n't heard anything to indicate that his mother , ellen , had shared that particular family characteristic-but then , jamie had been only eight when she died . his aunt jocasta ? no one 's fool , certainly , but with a good deal less scope for plotting and scheming than her brothers had had , i thought . brianna 's exclamation drew my attention back to the other side of the fire . she was looking at roger , the pages in her hand , an expression of mingled amusement and dismay on her face . i could n't see roger 's face ; he was turned toward her . one hand rose in a shushing gesture , though , and he turned his head toward the tree where the men sat drinking , to be sure no one had heard her exclamation . i caught a glimpse of firelight shining on the bones of his face , and then his expression changed in an instant , from wariness to horror . he lunged to his feet , mouth open . `` stokh ! '' it was a terrible cry , loud and harsh , but with a ghastly strangled quality to it , like a shout forced out around a fist shoved down his throat . it froze everyone in earshot-including jemmy , who had abandoned the fireflies and stealthily returned to an investigation of the coffeepot . he stared up at his father , his hand six inches from the hot metal . then his face crumpled , and he began to wail in fright . roger reached across the fire and snatched him up ; the little boy screamed , kicking and squirming to get away from this terrifying stranger . bree hastily took him , clutching him to her bosom and burying his face in her shoulder . her own face had gone pale with shock . roger looked shocked , too . he put a hand to his throat , gingerly , as though unsure he was really touching his own flesh . the ridge of the rope-scar was still dark under his jaw ; i could see it , even in the flicker of the firelight , along with the smaller , neater line of my own incision . the initial shock of his shout had worn off , and the men came scrambling out from under the tree , the findlays rushing in from the road , to gather round roger , exclaiming in astonishment and congratulation . roger nodded , submitting to having his hand shaken and his back pounded , all the while looking as though he would strongly prefer to be elsewhere . `` say somethin ' else , '' hugh findlay coaxed him . `` yes , sir , you can do it , '' iain joined in , round face beaming . `` say ... say 'she sells sea shells , by the sea-shore ' ! '' this suggestion was howled down , to be replaced by a rain of other excited proposals . roger was beginning to look rather desperate , his jaw set tight . jamie and i had got to our feet ; i could feel jamie setting himself to intervene in some way . then brianna pushed her way through the excited throng , with jemmy perched on one hip , regarding the proceedings with intense distrust . she took roger 's hand with her free one , and smiled at him , the smile trembling only a little round the edges . `` can you say my name ? '' roger 's smile matched hers . i could hear the air rasp in his throat as he took a breath . this time he spoke softly ; very softly , but everyone held silence , leaning forward to listen . it was a ragged whisper , thick and painful , the first syllable punched hard to force it through his scarred vocal cords , the last of it barely audible . but , `` brreeah ... nah , '' he said , and she burst into tears . 76 blood money fraser 's ridge june , 1771 i sat in the visitor 's chair in jamie 's study , companionably grating bloodroots while he wrestled with the quarterly accounts . both were slow and tedious businesses , but we could share the light of a single candle and enjoy each other 's company-and i found enjoyable distraction in listening to the highly inventive remarks he addressed to the paper under his quill . `` egg-sucking son of a porcupine ! '' `` look at this , sassenach-the man 's nay more than a common thief ! two shillings , threepence for two loaves of sugar and a brick of indigo ! '' i clicked my tongue sympathetically , forbearing to note that two shillings seemed a modest enough price for substances produced in the west indies , transported by ship to charleston , and thence carried by wagon , pirogue , horseback , and foot another several hundred miles overland , to be finally brought to our door by an itinerant peddler who did not expect payment for the three or four months until his next visit-and who would in any case likely not get cash , but rather six pots of gooseberry jam or a haunch of smoked venison .	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it meant that anne marie had to be careful not to overdramatize her emotions . `` everything 's f ine . now let 's go pick up baxter , '' she said , grabbing ellen about the waist and tickling her . the girl squealed delightedly . reaching for her purse , anne marie followed ellen , who bounced down the stairs ahead of her . teresa , her full-time employee , looked up when ellen burst into the bookstore . `` i did n't expect you guys to go out so soon , '' she commented . she stood behind the cash register , opening the latest order from ingram 's , a distributor . cartons of books were stacked behind her , a good indication that business had n't slacked off while anne marie was away . `` we 're going to get baxter , '' anne marie explained . `` we probably wo n't be long . '' `` exhausted , '' anne marie told her . `` ellen seems raring to go . '' but anne marie suspected jet lag would catch up with her soon . `` can we say hello to susannah ? '' `` of course , but remember if she 's with a customer we 'll have to wait . '' ellen held the shop door open for her . susannah had two customers , but when she saw anne marie and ellen , she smiled and waved . `` lydia and margaret do n't look busy , '' ellen said as she peered into the front window of a good yarn . her small hands framed her face and she stared at the sleeping cat . `` whiskers misses baxter , too , do n't you , whiskers ? '' `` can we go in , mom ? '' `` we can only visit for a few minutes , '' anne marie cautioned . `` elise is waiting and so is baxter . '' as soon as they walked in , lydia leaped to her feet . anne marie sighed luxuriously . everything i 've ever imagined and more . '' lydia clasped her hands together and smiled warmly . `` how did the neighborhood survive without us ? '' `` it was a lot quieter , '' margaret called from the back of the shop where she sat crocheting . then she broke into a huge grin . `` and a lot less interesting , too . '' `` i think whiskers missed baxter , '' lydia said . `` we 're going to get him right now , '' ellen told her . `` i missed baxter more than anyone . '' `` i 'd miss whiskers , too . '' lydia turned to anne marie , her eyes shining . `` listen , do you have a moment ? '' `` sure , '' anne marie said . lydia 's joy was contagious . `` brad and i are going to adopt . we 've requested an infant . '' anne marie clapped her hands excitedly . `` that 's incredible news . '' `` i heard this morning that brad and i have been approved by the state . '' `` did you speak with evelyn boyle ? '' she 'd been ellen 's social worker and anne marie had come to treasure the other woman , who 'd been so instrumental in facilitating the adoption . she 'd given lydia evelyn 's phone number weeks ago and had been wondering if anything had come of it . `` she 's been so helpful . we really appreciate the referral . '' `` any word on how long it 'll be before you can adopt a baby ? '' brad and i are prepared to wait , though . '' `` well , i hope it happens soon . '' lydia smiled happily . `` we 're celebrating tonight . brad 's taking cody and me out to dinner . '' `` ellen ! no , we ca n't , '' anne marie chastened . `` it 's not polite to invite yourself along . '' `` i know , but i have a gift for cody from paris and i want to give it to him . '' `` there 'll be plenty of time for that later , '' anne marie reminded her and then , despite her best efforts , yawned . `` i do n't think anyone 's mentioned jet lag to ellen yet . i expect it 'll hit her in a couple of hours . '' as for anne marie , her feet were dragging . once they 'd returned with baxter , she was planning on taking a nap . ellen would be tired by then , too-she hoped . `` i see you 're starting a new class this week . '' the sign in the window had caught her notice and she found herself intrigued by the concept . not that there was anything she needed to quit . she was satisf ied with her life at the moment-more satisf ied than she 'd been since the early days of her marriage . lydia told her about the project she 'd chosen .	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`` yes , adriane , love does matter . since i do keep bringing it up , do n't you think that it 's important ? '' she argued , angry and hurt-filled tears blurring her vision . he did n't say anything to that , which rachel felt was an incredibly painful slap in the face . she walked away from him again , and this time he let her go . when she reached her room , she knelt beside her bed , and said a fervent prayer . `` please help me to make the right decision , no matter what that decision may be . and please help me not to be such a fool as not to listen when i am given the answers . '' her prayer finished , rachel stood up and crawled into bed . adriane had to think she was crazy now . one minute she was holding him as if she would never let him go and the next minute ranting at him to leave her alone . had she not had that revelation while with his mother , her day would have gone a lot more smoothly . she 'd most likely be lying in his arms right this very minute . damn her stubbornness , and damn her inability to decide what she should do next . chapter forty-one they were back to the real world , and ari was scared . disaster had to await them , did n't it ? after all , their honeymoon had been perfect , everything she 'd ever imagined and then some , thanks to all of rafe 's romantic surprises . they 'd played on the beach , watched as whales and dolphins danced in the waters , lain in the sun for hours , and made love more times than should be physically possible . but their jet had landed , and they were already back home . would everything change now that the honeymoon was technically over ? would the honeymoon truly be over as they resumed their normal lives ? whatever the reason , ari 's nerves were gnawing away at her . as mario drove them toward rafe 's house , she felt a little sick . this was his home , the home he 'd had before she was a part of his life , the home he 'd built for himself . the home he 'd broken her heart in . she knew she should n't be upset , but they were starting a new life together and she wondered whether she 'd always feel that this was his place , never feel that it was equally hers . never get over the night she 'd bared her soul to him and had been so completely crushed . she would never say anything to him of the sort . it was petty of her even to think of asking him to move , but although it was a fine home , it was n't a place she would choose for herself . she wanted something with a large yard , a place where she felt comfortable getting to know her neighbors . she knew rafe needed a large home , since he entertained clients in it , and he worked from his home office at times , but this setting , his bachelor mansion , was just not what she envisioned spending the rest of her life in . maybe at some point she would feel safe in bringing up the subject . today was their homecoming day . today was their first day back in the real world - as man and wife . they pulled up to the house with all the lights burning bright , a welcoming gesture from rafe 's efficient staff . as she emerged from the car , ari looked at the imposing front door and hoped to feel a modicum of pride - a feeling that this was her home now , too . `` welcome home , mrs. palazzo , '' rafe said before scooping ari up into his arms and carrying her across the threshold . at least he did n't stumble , but she did n't expect him to . her worries temporarily forgotten , ari laughed with delight as he nuzzled her neck and made his way to the kitchen . then she melted a little when she saw the gigantic bouquet of stargazer lilies waiting for her on the table . `` my favorite flowers , '' she sighed . i will have a bouquet for you every week for the rest of your life , '' he said before kissing her breathless while letting her body slide down his as he set her on her feet . `` did you order them yourself , or have mario do it ? '' if they were from him , the gesture meant so much more . `` i ordered them , '' he said , and kissed her again . `` i love them , then , '' she said before kissing his neck , tasting his skin as she reached toward one of his buttons . `` i 'm starving , woman , so quit distracting me , '' he said with a grin as he pulled back after leaning in for one more lingering kiss . `` mmm , i 'm not the one who started this , '' she reminded him while looping her arms around his neck and nibbling on his lips .	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paen blinked . `` i was praising my wife. `` `` thatwas praise ? '' sheaskedwithdisbelief . `` it is how i praise midnight. `` `` midnightis a horse ! '' she snapped irritably as his father burst out laughing , spitting outale . paen shifted uncomfortably . he 'd thought he might need otherways to increase his wife'sself-esteem , buttruly it was a tricky business and he hadn'tcome upwith anything asyet . he'dneverhad a wife before , and when he needed to praise his horse or hissquire , it was with a `` good '' or `` well done '' for theboy , and an apple anda pat on therumpfor the horse . he explained this now and watched his mother 's irritation abate . `` so you haverealizedthose cousins of hers have damaged avelyn 's view of herself , '' his mother said with relief . `` aye , butido notknow how to repair it other than to praise her when she does well , '' paensaid . ladygerville relaxedherstance . `` you could start by talking to the girl. `` paen rolled his eyes with exasperation . women always seem to think talking will fix things . a sharp sword oftensolves the problemmuchmore quickly andefficiently. `` `` well , youcanhardly cut thepoor image outof avelyn . and as your wifeis a woman like myself , mayhap you should try my suggestion , '' lady gerville said dryly . `` it is sharp , unkind wordsspokento her over the years that have caused this poor self-image in avelyn , soi suggestthatkind and complimentarywordsmay also - withtime - undo them . youmightliketo spend some time with her as well . go for walks with her and play chess of a night , things like that , '' she suggested . `` now i shalljust go have a wordwith cook about the goodsbeingbrought up from the village . it will make thingsmuch easier while everything is still in such an uproar . it was very cleverof avelyn to go to the villageas she did. `` paen watched his motherwalkaway , thengave adisgruntled sigh . `` with time . i do not wantitto take years and years to undothe damage those cousinsofhers caused . i want her to know nowthatshe is smart and pretty and capable. `` `` his father nodded his understanding , then brightened . `` well , ishall help . if thetwo of uscomplimenther , it may speedit up. `` lordgerville suddenlystood . `` in fact , i will gocompliment herrightnow , and again tell her how wellshe did with her efforts thisafternoonin the village. `` paen watched thoughtfully as his father headed for the kitchens in search of avelyn . the man 's words had put a thought in his head . if the two of them complimentingher helped hersee that her cousins were wrong and she hadvalue , thenmany peoplecomplimenting her mightspeed it up even more ... andif the whole garrison of soldiers and servants here did ... paen stood abruptly . he had to speak to his men . chapter seventeen `` cani hold samson ? i promise i will notdrop him. `` avelyn glanced downat david andsmiledat his earnest expression . she was becoming quite attached to the boy after several days of having him trail after her . it was a week since avelyn 's first foray into the village , and now they were returning from a secondtrip . she 'd acquired davidas her constant companion the day afterthat firstjourney . the lad had nearly gotten himself crushed by a boulder withhis clumsinesswhiletrailing paen around the wall wherethemen were working . herhusbandhadaskedherthatevening ifshe would keep theboy with her untilhe 'd finished the wallandmovedontoa less dangeroustask . avelyn hadagreed at once , happy to be of servicetoherhusband inanysmallway . theladhad been following hereversince . pondering the last week , avelyndecidedthat - allin all - it had beena good one . paen 's mother and father had ended uponly stayinga couple ofdays . lady gerville hadacknowledgedthatavelyn was n't injuredso badly that she couldn'trun her own castle ... andrun it well . the last part hadnearly broughttears toavelyn 's eyes as sherecognizedit for the complimentit was . lady gerville had confidence inher abilities , even if avelynherself did n't . butthat waschanging with eachsuccess she had . avelyn could feelherself becomingmore confident with every passingday . the last weekhadseen the repairstothe castle speedalong .	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her fire was too bright for him to ever try to dim it . all he could think was that temper of hers would lead to some amazing makeup sex . `` i am going to remain calm and i 'm going to refrain from throwing another priceless artifact at your head . however , you are going to show me a phone . you will let me leave . '' she was trying hard to act as if she had it all under control , but she was far from calm . it was too bad he could n't push her further . he did n't mind her flying at him . he 'd take her , claws and all . `` what 's so wrong with being here with me ? our week together in florida was ... intense . if you would simply stop fighting me , we could get ... better acquainted again , '' he said , his eyes flashing with a desire he made no attempt to hide . rachel stared at him , trying to figure out whether the man had lost his mind . did he seriously think she was going to simply walk on over and make his fantasies come true ? `` really , adriane ? you are either the dumbest man alive , or you have one hell of a false image of yourself . this may come as quite the shock to you , but you are resistible , '' she said scathingly . `` ouch , '' he replied , a grin spreading over his face . you 're king adriano , '' she said in a sugary voice , dragging out the o in the name that he rarely used . `` i should , of course , fall to your feet and strip off all of my clothes , and then thank you repeatedly for the honor of being chosen to please you . '' his eyebrows rose and his grin grew even wider . `` ugh , you are unbelievable . you take me from my home , leave me for hours on end trapped in this ridiculous castle , and then actually expect me to roll over for you . sorry to disappoint , but it 's not happening . not in this century , '' she said as she resumed pacing so he could n't see the blush overtaking her features . sadly , the thought of him throwing her across his bed was n't quite as abhorrent as she wanted him to believe . she blamed the pregnancy hormones . that had to be it , because she certainly did n't want this man , did n't want to lie beneath him , not after he 'd deceived her , stalked her , and kidnapped her . her body just needed a little bit of time to be as angry with him as her mind was . then the desire would die down . `` nothing inside you is burning up with the need for my touch ? '' rachel jumped as adriane 's words whispered across her neck . she had n't even heard him move , and the shiver that passed through her at his nearness was too noticeable for him to have missed it . yet though her body was burning , she 'd make sure her words were just as scorching . turning and looking up into his dark eyes , she smiled , doing her best to put him in his place by humoring him . it was forgettable . there 's no need to go down that road again , '' she mocked , quickly scooting away before her body fully betrayed her and she swayed toward the hard comfort of his chest . `` you know what they say about liars , rachel ? '' he said , stalking closer . `` i do n't know , adriane , but since you are such an expert in that subject , i 'm sure you can inform me , '' she said with shrug . `` no woman has ever entertained me like you . being in your presence is quite pleasurable . '' `` get over it , adriane . our fling is over and done with , kaput . maybe you should try doing the same , '' she said as she reached the double doors . she thought of going through them this time , thinking maybe it would be a better route , but what good would it do ? she would n't be able to get out of the castle . even if she somehow managed to , where was she going to go ? `` you see , rachel , that 's where you are very wrong . we are n't even close to being over , you and i . this child may not have been planned , but not once have i felt regret over your pregnancy . i very much look forward to making you my bride . i look forward even more to our nights . the two of us together will continue making magic . '' `` you just are n't thinking . it was an affair , adriane . a stupid , foolish affair . it does n't mean we should be locked together for the rest of our lives , '' she told him . she was worn down , exhausted . she had to get away from this man before she did something else that was foolish . where he was concerned , it seemed to be a regular occurrence . `` it may have started as an affair , rachel , but now we are locked to each other forever .	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paulspears : its ok. mindy_larsen : u miss her , dont u ? and now i made it even harder paulspears : dont say that . mindy_larsen : sorry . paulspears : its alright , i told u. u know , maybe we should just call it a night . mindy_larsen : yeahi think so , too . paulspears : goodnight , bella . mindy_larsen : goodnight , belissimo . 14 life is made up of meetings and partings . people come into your life for a few months , some a year , others a whole lifetime . -cecelia ahern , thanks for the memories the following day , i was busy tinkering with my tumblr page , or more so , the page i created for my business . its been good , so far a number of people left me messages with their particulars , wanting to get paintings of some sort . one wanted a shrimpshe said she was fond of collecting anything with shrimps on them . another one wanted a self-portrait , he e-mailed me a scanned copy of his picture . im supposed to meet them tomorrow for a meeting about the cost and what else they want to happen with the paintings . my sister , caroline then came inside the house . minds ! she said as she saw me plopped down on the sofa . she instantly hugged me , i am so sorry , she said , i didnt mean to say that to paul relax , i said , its okay . like i could she laughed , oh , minds she muttered as she sat down beside me , whoa , hey , she noticed my tumblr page , that your page ? uh-huh and youre selling paintings ? geez , im so happy for you ! just living by your example she laughed and nudged me , i like the namefairies and strawberry fields , reminds me of your childhood dreams i smiled , it was pauls idea . wow she said and smiled , too , you know , minds , i think he likes youbutbut i think hes also still stuck-up in the past . you mean , the love of his life who died ? c , she died . he loved her , of course , its gon na be hard . i know , i know , she said , im not saying its easy , its not . but he has to cry his one last cry and move on . i sighed , i dont think he really did cry that way . he never went to her grave , or anything . oh , she muttered , thats.even harder . minds ? fine , i answered , i guess i do . or maybe , i dont . maybe i really just like talking to him , being his friend . we get each other , you know ? hes a jazz musician , im an artist . together , were perfect . but im not sure if that means were perfect for each other . what if were bound to be just friends and i ruin this ? she nodded her head , are you scared ? i closed my eyes , took a deep breath and answered , i guess we both are . 15 love happens accidentallyin a heartbeat , in a single flashing , throbbing moment . paulspears : hey you . mindy_larsen : heyi thought u would never talk 2 me again paulspears : thats not gon na happen mindy_larsen : if u say so paulspears : so hows the site ? im meeting some clients 2mrw then ill be visiting belinda and dan after . paulspears : i knew ud do good . mindy_larsen : thats bcoz u believed in me . paulspears : well , i have some news for u mindy_larsen : oh ! paulspears : an agent from this top recording company told me that they might want to produce an album for me mindy_larsen : oh my god ! im so happy for u , paul ! paulspears : thank ui still have to send them an original demo before i go there in ny mindy_larsen : im sure u could do it paulspears : i know . ive the perfect inspiration . mindy_larsen : u have to let me hear that thingor at least , see the lyrics ? paulspears : of course i will mindy_larsen : cant wait paulspears : i should start writing tonightill hit u up soon , ok ? mindy_larsen : break a leg ! paulspears : give my regards to dan and b mindy_larsen : i willnight , paul paulspears : night , mindy *** oh my god , that is just the coolest thing ever ! belinda exclaimed after i told her about pauls offer from the recording company when i visited her in her new apartment the following day . dan was out , looking for a job . its just about time !	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i had also gone through the contents of his refrigerator and found some hamburger meat in the freezer section . i 'd browned the meat and made spaghetti sauce . because he never came home at the same time two days in a row , i had n't put on the spaghetti to boil , so i did that now . he did n't have rolls , but he did have loaf bread , and i buttered the slices and sprinkled them with garlic powder and cheese . something else he did n't have was the makings for a green salad . this was not what i considered a healthy meal , but considering the contents of his pantry and refrigerator , it was either that or beans from a can . he came downstairs wearing only a pair of jeans , and my mouth watered when i saw him , with those tight abs and that muscled , hairy chest . to keep from drooling and embarrassing myself , i turned away and slid the baking sheet with the slices of bread on it into the oven . by the time they were nicely browned , the spaghetti would be done . `` this smells good , '' he said as he set the table . but unless we go grocery shopping , there 's nothing else to cook . what do you usually eat for supper ? '' `` i usually eat out . breakfast here , supper out . it 's easier that way , because by the end of the day i 'm tired and do n't want to fool with cooking . '' `` i ca n't eat out , '' i said grumpily . `` well , you could , if we go to another town . want to do that tomorrow ? that would count as a date , right ? '' i thought we 'd covered that ground at the beach . `` you eat anyway . a date would be if we did something you do n't normally do , like go to a play or a ballroom dancing exhibition . '' `` how about a ball game ? '' `` there 's nothing going on now except baseball , and it 's stupid . there are n't any cheerleaders . when it 's football season , then we 'll talk . '' he let my insult to baseball pass and instead filled our glasses with ice , then poured tea into them . `` forensics found something today , '' he said abruptly . i turned off the heat under the spaghetti . he sounded puzzled , as if he did n't know what to make of whatever it was forensics had found . `` a couple of hairs , caught in the underside of your car . it 's a miracle they 're still there , considering the shape your car is in . '' `` what can a couple of hairs tell you ? '' `` if you had a suspect you could test for dna , they would come in handy , but you do n't . '' `` they 're dark , so they tell us the person is a brunette . and they 're about ten inches long , so that raises the strong possibility that we 're looking for a woman after all . not a certainty , because a lot of men have long hair , but they 're testing the hairs for hair spray and styling gel , that sort of stuff . that should help , because not many men around here use stuff like that . '' `` jason does , '' i pointed out . `` jason is a girlie bastard with more vanity than brains , '' was his succinctly delivered opinion . man , he did n't like jason . `` do you know any women with dark hair who might want to kill you ? '' `` i know a lot of women with dark hair . it 's the last part that throws me . '' the whole thing was a puzzle . `` i have n't even had a parking lot incident in years . '' `` the reason may not be anything recent , '' wyatt said . `` when nicole goodwin was murdered and you were named as a witness , someone probably saw an opportunity to kill you and blame it on nicole 's killer . but dwayne bailey confessed to the murder , so there 's no reason for him to kill you . '' `` then why did n't this person stop when he was arrested ? obviously it ca n't be blamed on him , now . '' `` maybe , since she did n't get caught , she figures she can do it and get away with it . '' `` have you thought about your dates for this past year or so ? '' `` were any of them brunette ? '' `` yeah , sure , but i 'm telling you , there was nothing serious going on . '' `` haul 'em all in and question them anyway , '' i said in exasperation . this had to be personal , because i had n't done any of the other things that provide the usual motives for murder . `` how about the guys you 've dated ? maybe one of them had an ex who was crazy about him-'crazy ' being the important word here-and got a real hate going for you when her guy started dating you . '' `` i do n't remember anyone mentioning a crazy ex-girlfriend , though .	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it was probably good that she had no idea what dreams had cost her a full night of sleep , she decided . the way things were going , she was afraid the dreams might give her a permanent blush . never again , she promised herself . no more dancing . she knew she would do ok in volleyball because the occasional contact was over almost immediately . it had been too long since she had actually wanted any man , though , and being in pauls arms brought all those buried yearnings back . and she did not need that ! what happened to that time when owning your own business was all you could possibly want ? then , glancing at her watch , she realized she was now running late . where had all the time gone ? she was still rushing when audrey showed up . i never even got the boys their breakfast , she had to admit , pulling her coat on . dont worry about it , audrey told her . katryn thanked her then headed out the door . she barely made it to the store in time . running a bit late ? she heard joe ask as she turned the key in the lock . joe whereve you been . i missed you last week . had a touch of the flu , he told her . picking up an extra day today . guess ill have to come back later to browse , seeing how its time for me to go to work . sorry joe . then , an inspiration struck . joe , why dont you come back for lunch ? we havent sat and talked for a long time . ill send for sandwiches . about 1:00 , if you can wait that long . i can wait , he assured her before he left . katryn ordered the sandwiches for lunch , then was kept busy enough she never thought about lunch again until dottie showed up . katryn told her she would be having lunch at 1:00 . i ordered you a sandwich , too . just in case you didnt eat before you came . katryn added . that was sweet , but you neednt have . i ate just before i left home . katryn cleaned off her desk while dottie waited on customers . after pulling a third chair up , she left to go get three sodas at the ice cream shop . the sandwiches arrived shortly after katryn returned , and joe showed up just minutes later . katryn made the introductions , and then they all sat at the desk to eat lunch . at katryns insistence , she and dottie took turns waiting on customers . luckily , lunch time business was slow , so they had a lot of time to talk . katryn was pleased to see that her two friends appeared quite comfortable with each other . when about an hour had passed , joe said he had to go back to work . katryn walked out in the hallway with him . not too subtle , he told her . disappointed that it must not have gone very well , she apologized . i just ... his grin stopped her . i got her phone number . she walked back to the store , and saw that dottie had already started to clean up the lunch papers . katryn went around the counter and helped . will you tell me a little about him ? he doesnt say much , dottie asked , a little shyly . katryn wasnt all that surprised when joe showed up to browse near closing time . he purchased a couple westerns and hung around to talk . when katryn and dottie closed up , joe offered to drop dottie off . since her employee seemed quite happy with the suggestion , katryn agreed it would give her a few more minutes at home before practice . she waved goodbye when they pulled out of the lot in front of her , then she headed home . katryn got to practice in really good spirits . at least things appeared to be off to a good start for joe and dottie . practice went well , too . jims team was there to practice against , having switched to monday practice since games were fridays . the ever readys , while losing two of the four games , still played well . tom and katryn were the first two at dennys . when they were seated in their usual booth in the back , tom mentioned katryn appeared to be in a good mood . she told tom about her hopes for joe and dottie , not even noticing others arriving . i cant believe i didnt think of it sooner , she was telling tom when paul asked what she hadnt thought of . a little self consciously , she explained about her friends . paul knew who dottie was , but he had no idea who joe was . by the time katryn had explained it all to paul , everyone at the table had heard . quite the match maker , arent you ? katryn thought she detected just a hint of sarcasm , but no-one else seemed to notice , so she ignored it . she was busy trying not to look at paul . are we practicing thursday ? not unless everyone wants to . i figure one practice is enough now that we have the games on friday .	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but i do n't know if we were ever formally introduced until you called me into your office to ... discuss the special project . '' `` you found out later that there was , in fact , no special project . i only called you into my office because i wanted to talk to you . i 'd become smitten from a distance . i wanted an excuse to have a conversation with you , and get to know you better . that 's when we discovered that we both liked woody allen . over the next few days , i kept calling you to my office for more 'meetings . ' things became ... physical , very quickly . we both kept it a secret , due to the conflict of interest . but then , i finally decided i did n't want to keep our love hidden anymore . so i asked you out to dinner with me . shortly after that , you quit your job and moved into my apartment . '' he looked up , smiling slightly . `` so , that 's the story of us . '' `` your alternate universe doppelganger is very aggressive , '' i said . `` did i have any say in the matter at all ? '' he looked mildly offended . `` what kind of fictional man do you think i am ? '' what if the ask me if i knew about your ... you know , predicament ? '' `` of course i told you , because i did n't want you to think i was only marrying you for that . you were skeptical at first , of course , but as time went on , you realized that i genuinely loved you . '' `` that 's very touching . do you think they 'll fall for it ? '' `` there 's no law against marrying someone if you 're at risk of being deported . what 's illegal is marrying someone because you 're at risk of being deported . it 's all right for them to be suspicious that we might have rushed into things because of my situation , as long as they ca n't prove that was the only reason we got married . '' `` that sounds incredibly dodgy , just so you know . if i worked for the ins i 'd be driving you across the border myself . '' `` your vote of confidence is much appreciated , '' he said dryly , flipping the page in his notebook . `` but i told you , i have inside help . i have to go through the formalities , and i have to not trip over my own feet while doing so . they 're even going to make a special exception for me . normally , it would take two years of marriage before i could apply for a permanent visa , but they 've reduced it to one . '' `` thank god , '' i said out loud , without thinking . `` i realize you have no way of knowing this , but i promise being married to me wo n't be an actual nightmare . '' i could feel my face turning bright red . `` i know , '' i said , hastily . `` i did n't mean ... it 's just , you know , a year of my life . that 's scary enough to think about . '' i 'm teasing you . '' he glanced down at his notepad again . `` we need to pick a favorite sexual position . '' `` is that a comment , or a question ? '' `` just pick one , '' he said , still looking down at the paper . `` uh , fine , '' i said . `` doggystyle ? is there like ... a scientific term for that ? or something classier ? '' `` i do n't think so , '' he muttered , scribbling something down . `` i hope you 're actually writing down 'doggystyle ' then , '' i said , willing myself to stop blushing furiously , even if there appeared to be no imminent danger of him raising his head . i was wrong - he looked up at me then , frowning . `` i 'm not writing any of this down , '' he said , sharply . i raised both of my hands . `` do you see me taking notes ? '' he toyed with his own pen for a moment . `` i just ... i ca n't emphasize how important it is that we do n't have a written record of any of this . i 'm taking notes that will help remind me of what we decide here , but no one else would be able to interpret them . even so , i wo n't let this notebook out of my sight . '' `` believe me , i do n't want to end up in prison for criminal conspiracy . '' `` someone 's been researching . '' `` i just wanted to know what the worst case scenario was . `` let 's not borrow trouble . it wo n't come to that if we 're careful . '' they 're very likely to ask about what kind of birth control we use , are you on anything i should know about ? '' none of my relationships had lasted long enough for me to think about getting on anything long-term . `` condoms , then , '' he said . `` what kind of condoms ? '' `` that 's exactly the kind of details they 're going to ask about , '' he said , patiently .	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`` jack did n't want children because he knew he carried nephilim blood , and the merovingians are part of the prophecy in the naissance de demoniac . he knew when i fel in love with you , that you and i would meet al of the requirements . '' `` what requirements ? '' my voice was muffled from pushing my face into his chest . `` a prophecy requires certain elements to come together in order to come to fruition , nina . a descendant of the nephilim procreating with a hybrid ... it 's the perfect storm . remember when eli told us that only seven other human/hybrid cases had happened since the dawn of time ? how many of those humans do you think were merovingian ? jack knew you were the woman in the book because he knew what he was ... and what i was . once he knew i was in love with you , he made the decision to steal shax 's book to try to find a way to protect you . '' i kept asking questions i did n't want the answers to . he lifted my chin to face him . `` that 's why we need the book . i need to find out what interest they might have in a child we might have . i do n't know if they want it to happen , or they wil fight to prevent it . it depends on what that scenario means for hel . '' `` wait ... , '' i said , my mind final y focusing enough to form coherent thoughts , `` you said the nephilim were wiped out in the big flood . so how can i be related to them ? '' jared raised his eyebrows once , sighing . `` that was a tactic used to keep jesus ' blood line pure . that does n't mean fal en angels taking human women did n't happen after that . '' `` i 'm five-feet-four , jared . how is it even possible i could have even an ounce of giant blood in me ? '' `` you 're irish , too . makes me wonder how you 're merovingian . they were leaders of the franks ... early german and french . '' `` wel , now i know jack was wrong . i could n't be french . the language is lost on me . '' jared 's face turned grave . `` we should take this seriously , nina . if i could leave you , that would be one thing , but i ca n't . '' `` because it 's the right thing to do ... disappear from your life to keep you safe . as long as we 're together , you 're in danger . '' `` i wo n't let you , '' i said , grabbing his shirt , . the thought of being without him terrified me . `` if i ca n't be with you , i do n't care what happens to me . '' jared grabbed my hands . that 's why i wo n't leave you . and now that we know what you are , we need to find out who it 's a threat to . and as frightening as it is ... threatening hel is the better option . '' chapter eight valediction an unexpected knock on the door revealed bex standing on the landing , holding a half-eaten apple . a backpack hung from his shoulder , signaling that he would be staying the night . `` you call ed him , did n't you ? '' i accused jared , crossing my arms . jared slipped on his jacket , preparing to leave . `` you 've had a long forty-eight hours . he hugged me then , squeezing a bit too tight . bex shifted his weight nervously , holding the door open with one hand , holding his apple with the other . `` c'mon , nina . you 're going to give me a complex , '' bex said . `` i brought doves to put in the oven . '' a sweet , hopeful smile lit his face , and i relaxed . `` okay , '' i said with a half-grin . jared patted bex 's arm as he passed , but just as he stepped out onto the landing , i grabbed his jacket . what if it 's different ? what if he needs to tel me something ? '' jared asked , his attention focused . we 've learned a lot today , maybe the dream wil change . '' jared and bex traded glances , and then jared sighed . `` i did n't think we have time to spare , '' i countered . `` we do n't , but ... . '' `` i 'm right . so stay , '' i said , pul ing him into the loft . jared pointed at his brother . bex shook his head , and then shut the door behind us . `` no way ... i wan na see this . '' `` great , now i 'm a circus freak , '' i said , making my way to the table . jared pul ed out my chair and i sat , taking his hand and kissing his palm in appreciation . we had spent the last two days together , yet i felt i had n't seen him at al . jared sat across from me with a smile .	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`` you wo n't help me , then , '' will said in a flat voice . using magic , magnus had built the fire up in the grate . in the glow of the leaping flames , the warlock could see more of the details of will -the dark hair curling close at the nape of his neck , the delicate cheekbones and strong jaw , the shadow cast by his lashes . he reminded magnus of someone ; the memory tickled at the back of his mind , refusing to come clear . after so many years , it was hard sometimes to pick out individual memories , even of those you had loved . he could no longer remember his mother 's face , though he knew she had looked like him , a mixture of his dutch grandfather and his indonesian grandmother . `` if your definition of 'help ' involves dropping you into the demon realms like a rat into a pit full of terriers , then no , i wo n't help you , '' said magnus . `` this is madness , you know . magnus ran both hands through his thick hair and thought , suddenly and irrational y , of camil e. and was pleased . here in this room , with will , he had gone nearly two hours without thinking of her at all . `` you think you 're the only person who 's ever lost anyone ? '' will 's face twisted . `` do n't make it sound like that . like some ordinary sort of grief . they say time heals all wounds , but that presumes the source of the grief is finite . this is a fresh wound every day . '' `` yes , '' said magnus , leaning back against the cushions . `` that is the genius of curses , is n't it . '' `` it would be one thing if i had been cursed so that everyone i loved would die , '' said will . `` i could keep myself from loving . to keep others from caring for me-it is an odd , exhausting procedure . '' he sounded exhausted , magnus thought , and dramatic in that way that only seventeen-year-olds could be . he also doubted the truth of will 's statement that he could have kept himself from loving , but understood why the boy would want to tel himself such a story . `` i must play the part of another person all day , each day -bitter and vicious and cruel- '' `` i rather liked you that way . and do n't tell me you do n't enjoy yourself at least a little , playing the devil , will heron-dale . '' `` they say it runs in our blood , that sort of bitter humor , '' said will , looking at the flames . `` el a had it . so did cecily . i never thought i did until i found i needed it . i have learned good lessons in how to be hateful over all these years . but i feel myself losing myself- '' he groped for words . `` i feel myself diminished , parts of me spiraling away into the darkness , that which is good and honest and true-if you hold it away from yourself long enough , do you lose it entirely ? if no one cares for you at all , do you even really exist ? '' he said this last so softly that magnus had to strain to hear him . something i read somewhere once . '' will turned to him . `` you would be doing me a mercy , sending me to the demon realms . i might find what i am looking for . it is my only chance-and without that chance my life is worthless to me anyway . '' `` easy enough to say at seventeen , '' said magnus , with no smal amount of coldness . `` you are in love and you think that is all there is in the world . but the world is bigger than you , will , and may have need of you . you are a shadowhunter . you serve a greater cause . your life is not yours to throw away . '' `` then nothing is mine , '' said will , and pushed himself away from the mantel , staggering a little as if he really were drunk . `` if i do n't even own my own life- '' `` who ever said we were owed happiness ? '' magnus said softly , and in his mind he saw the house of his childhood , and his mother flinching away from him with frightened eyes , and her husband , who was not his father , burning . `` what about what we owe to others ? '' `` i 've given them everything i have already , '' said will , seizing his coat off the back of the chair . `` they 've had enough out of me , and if this is what you have to say to me , then so have you-warlock . '' he spat the last word like a curse . regretting his harshness , magnus began to rise to his feet , but will pushed past him toward the door . moments later magnus saw him pass by the front window , struggling into his coat as he walked , his head bent down against the wind .	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she shook her head at him and smiled then left the kitchen . she quickly grabbed her coat from the hall closet and her backpack from the kitchen table just as daniella honked the horn a second time . melissa said to no one . bye sweetie ! daniella waved to her from the drivers seat of her toyota prius . alexandra nodded in acknowledgment before pulling down the passenger-side mirror and inspecting her lip gloss . melissa opened the rear door of daniellas car and climbed in . alexandra greeted and turned her attention from the mirror to melissa then back again . she smoothed her long , black hair . every time melissa saw alexandra , she couldnt help but think her friends appearance looked more befitting a lingerie catalog than anywhere else . hey , alex , melissa began . hello daniella . boy , do i have a bone to pick with you . she was about to begin ribbing her friend about encouraging her to go out with kevin , and for the conversation shed had with her father when daniella surprised her . im so sorry about last night , melissa . when your dad called , i thought it was you . i never thought hed be up so late , daniella said in one breath as she backed out of the driveway . she had a tendency to speak quickly , and abundantly , when she was nervous . she was obviously feeling guilty , and melissa decided not to give her a hard time about it . dont worry , daniella . things must have gone really well with you and kevin then if youre not mad at me for the thing with your dad , daniella said and her tone changed . she supposed daniella could not help herself . after all , her longtime friend was an optimist whose positivity bubbled over at times . for her , the glass was always half-full . fittingly , her appearance echoed her upbeat personality . from her sandy-blonde hair that bounced in a riot of curls past her shoulders , to her dimpled , effortless smile , each feature echoed cheerfulness . unfortunately , optimism hadnt been enough to make her date with kevin better . not exactly , melissa offered . alexandra turned in her seat to look at melissa . what the hell does not exactly mean ? never one to beat around the bush , alexandra got right to the point . well , as it turns out , kevin hasnt changed at all . he took me straight to east fallkill rec and jumped on me , melissa answered . daniella exclaimed . alexandra asked incredulously . i wish i were , melissa began . i suggested the diner . he said he wanted to get to know me better and wanted to go to the rec center . stupid me , i agreed . as soon as we got there , he assumed we were gon na do more than talk . what did you think he meant when he said he wanted to go to the rec center ? he was telling you he wanted to fuck you , alexandra fumed . she knew that alexandra possessed an expansive vocabulary ; that she was capable of speaking without swearing , but seldom did . she was unapologetically foul-mouthed , brutally honest , crude , and at times , downright disgusting . she belched often and with abandon and had , on occasion , been known to ask a friend to pull her finger . her vulgarity was as much a staple of her personality as was her beauty . a statuesque goddess of greek descent , alexandra was intelligent and studious . with long raven locks and irises so dark they appeared black , she was breathtaking . from her full lips to her bronze skin and voluptuous curves , alexandras stood out in every crowd she had ever been in . alexandras beauty would not serve her at the moment . and melissa was not in the mood to endure her brutal honesty or profanity-laden tirades . she just wanted to get through the day as quickly and painlessly as possible . there would be plenty of time to inform both of her friends of all the awful details surrounding her date with kevin . the present moment was not the right one . thanks a lot alex ! way to be my best friend , melissa snapped . and to think , i thought youd be on my side ! alexandra locked eyes with her . she watched her friends demeanor soften , how her eyes , hardened earlier , turned to liquid onyx . alexandra knew shed gone too far , that she should have been more supportive ; her eyes said as much . daniella , in an attempt to diffuse the thickening tension in the car , began regaling melissa and alexandra with tales of her study group for the remaining moments of their drive to school . filled with minutiae humorous exclusively to those who were actually present at the study group , melissa listened politely and laughed when she thought it appropriate .	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`` i 've been tired a lot lately . at work , i 've even been closing my door so i can rest my head on the desk . '' `` well , take it easy . you 're carrying my baby , you know . and you should probably head home so you can get some sleep . '' `` i 'd better not , '' he said . `` you know what happens when i sleep over . '' `` you mean we do n't actually sleep for a while ? '' she nodded , suddenly serious . `` you sure you 're not staying here because of- '' `` no , '' he said , cutting her off with a smile . now that i understand what 's been going on , i 'm all better . '' she kissed him , then rose from the bed . `` okay , '' she said , stretching . he noticed her belly did n't flatten as much as it once did , and his gaze settled there for an instant too long . `` do n't stare at my fat , '' she chided , sounding self-conscious . `` you 're not fat , '' he said automatically , feeling pleased . `` you 're pregnant , and you look beautiful . '' she watched him as he answered , as if wondering again whether he 'd been telling the truth about the reason he was n't coming over , then seemingly thought better of rehashing the conversation . jeremy rose and walked her to the door . after kissing her good-bye , he watched as she made her way to the car , replaying the entire evening in his mind . `` hey , lexie ? '' `` i forgot to ask you . do you know if doris has a computer ? '' `` not even at work ? '' `` no , '' lexie answered . `` she 's as old-fashioned as they come . i doubt if she even knows how to turn one on . he saw the confusion in her face but did n't want to get into it . `` love you , too , '' she said , her voice subdued . she opened the car door and slid behind the wheel . jeremy watched as she started the car , backed up , and headed down the gravel drive , the rear lights fading as she rolled out of sight . a few minutes later , he was at his desk , leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up . a lot had been explained tonight , and it all made perfect sense . his suspicions about rodney had been put to rest-assuming he 'd ever really believed them in the first place-but there was still the matter of the e-mails . if lexie was telling the truth , doris had n't sent them . but if she had n't , who had ? on his desk was doris 's journal , and he found himself staring at it once more . how many times had he debated whether or not to read it in the hopes of finding an article to write ? for whatever reason , he 'd avoided it , but he thought again about the latest e-mail . and what would he find in doris 's journal ? what answer was he supposed to find ? nor was he even sure he wanted to find out . but with the message still playing in his mind , he found himself reaching for the journal . ten jeremy studied the journal for much of the next week . for the most part , doris had been meticulous with her notations . in all , there were 232 names in the book , all written in pen ; another 28 women were listed by initials , though no reason was offered as to why they were n't further identified . fathers were usually , but not always , identified . for the most part , doris had included the date of the visit , an estimate of how far along the mother was , and the predicted sex of the baby . the mothers signed their names after her prediction . in three instances , the women she 'd written about had n't even known they were pregnant . beneath each prediction , doris had left a space where she 'd later written in the name and sex of the baby once it had been born , sometimes with a different-color pen . occasionally she included the birth notice from the newspaper , and as lexie had told him , doris had been correct with every prediction . at least with those she 'd actually made . there were thirteen instances where doris had n't predicted the sex of the baby-a fact that neither lexie nor doris had mentioned . in those cases , jeremy assumed by further notes that doris made , the mother would eventually miscarry . the entries , one after the next , seemed to blend together . february 19 , 1995 , ashley bennett , 23 , twelve weeks along . tom harker the father . boy ashley bennett toby roy bennett , born august 31 , 1995 . july 12 , 1995 , terry miller , 27 , nine weeks along . lots of morning sickness . second baby .	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i 'm real glad den and tom never got mixed up in that shit . even with the life we lead , and the people we 're around , they 've managed to never touch drugs . they had the odd joint in college , sure , but they 've never dabbled in the harder stuff . it 's especially amazing considering how much jonny and i used to hit it . i 'm glad for it . i got too fked up on the stuff . i never want that for either of them . they tried to intervene when i was at my low point , but back then i did n't want anyone 's help except from the likes of scum like jase collins , who could provide me with exactly what i needed . i never ever want to go back there . i 'm lucky tom and den stuck with me . even more lucky that i have tru back in my life . draining my beer and needing the buzz of more alcohol , i call the waitress over . it 's a different waitress , i notice . tits even bigger than the last one 's , and they 're about as fake as her blonde hair . i get a pretty close look as she leans over our table to clear the first round , practically sticking them in my face . ignoring her as best i can , i avert my eyes and say , `` bottle of jack , and another round of beers . '' `` i 'll be right back with your order , boys , '' she says in a southern drawl . leaning back , hands pressed flat on the table , coming to my eye level , she gives me a `` fuck me now '' stare , pressing her red lips together . then turning , making sure i get a good view of her ass , she slowly walks away . `` now you 're fuckin ' talking with the jack , man ! '' tom bangs his fist on the table , getting my attention . `` you up for getting hammered ? '' i 'm still feeling wired and twitchy after jase collins 's visit , and i need something to take the edge off . there are only three things that can take the edge off for me-alcohol , cigarettes , and sex . considering i currently ca n't do two of them , i 'm hitting the one i can do , hard . the waitress returns and puts our drinks down on the table . i let out a laugh at tom , who 's staring down her top-if it can be called a top . it 's more like a piece of fabric covering her nples . he just shrugs and grins at me . before leaving she tucks her tray under her arm and runs her fingernails down my biceps in an intimate way . i give her a less-than-amused look . she smiles , apparently not reading my look correctly , then blatantly focuses her stare on my cock , licking her lips , before leaving . `` i fuckin ' love the outfits here , '' tom says , watching her as she walks away . `` and the girls in them . '' denny laughs , gesturing at the belts as skirts and the half-cut tanks . `` what fuckin ' outfits ? '' i used to think like tom . it was one of the many reasons i would come here . the waitresses are always half-dressed , and most of them are as easy as fuck . they 're no different than groupies . they all want on a celeb 's cck in the hope it will lead to more for them . get them out of those tanks and into designer threads , walking the red carpet . the reality is less than that . most of the guys who come here usually have a girl at home and are looking for an uncomplicated f*k on the side . it was the same for me , except i had no girl at home waiting for me back then . if i wanted to get laid and high when i was in la , graphics was the best place to come . honestly , i do n't know what made me suggest coming here tonight . `` she 's after getting on your cock . '' tom nods in the direction of the blonde waitress who currently has her eyes pinned on our table . more specifically , pinned on me . picking my fresh beer up , i say , `` she can want on it all she likes . fact is , it 's not happening . '' tom raises his eyebrow . `` got ta say , man , you 're being real faithful to tru . `` that 's because you have n't got her . '' when tru first came back into my life , it was n't that i stopped wanting other women for fear of losing her . the simple fact is i stopped wanting anyone else full stop . i 'm not interested in anyone but her . it was weird to me for a long time , but now it makes absolute sense . she is all i want . no one gets me like she does . and i love her like i never knew possible .	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he could see her shoulders shaking through the window , but she never even registered his presence . not wanting to frighten her , he carefully tapped on the glass . she reacted violently , yanking herself up , her ravaged , tearstained face staring back at him . her pupils dilated-in fear ? his chest tightened at the idea that he 'd inadvertently scared her . `` open the door , rachel , '' he said , loud enough so she could hear through the glass . for a moment he thought she 'd refuse , and then her eyes dulled in resignation , and she hesitantly opened the door a crack . he pried the door from her fingers and then went down on one knee . he could n't see any damage to the vehicle , but he had n't been around it for a full inspection . a low sob welled from her throat and more tears trickled down her cheeks . `` you should arrest me , sean . '' of all the things he 'd thought she might say , that was n't one of them . he rocked back , completely poleaxed by her statement . he eyed passing traffic with concern . this was n't the best place to hash out whatever rachel thought he should arrest her for , and it was obvious this was n't something that would be solved in one or two minutes . he rose and reached gently for her elbow . `` come sit in my car with me . i 'd feel better if we were farther out of the line of traffic . then you can tell me what 's bothering you . '' she looked so damn forlorn that it discomfited him . hell , he dealt with women in various forms of distress all the time through his job . he arrested them , gave them bad news , took reports from the abused , but he did n't know any of them . she stared ahead , biting her lower lip as if she could n't decide what she should do . `` come on , honey , '' he said a little more forcefully . `` let 's go talk about it and then i 'll get you home . '' she turned her gaze to him and her eyes filled with tears again . `` i ca n't go home , sean . '' and where the hell was ethan ? he lifted her arm , hoping she would n't fight him . he reached down to unclasp her seat belt and urged her from her seat . she stumbled as she got out , and he wrapped an arm around her waist to support her as they walked toward his squad car . `` no , not in the back , '' he said when she went in that direction . he walked around to the front passenger seat and ushered her inside . then he hurried around to the driver 's side and slid in next to her . he tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel for a moment and then broached the subject head-on . `` why on earth do you think i should take you to jail ? '' she raised a trembling hand to her forehead and closed her eyes . he could see the deep pain grooved on her forehead . do you know what i almost did ? i came out of the therapist 's office . '' she broke off and laughed , a harsh , brittle sound . `` i ran out of the office more like . all i could think was what a mess my life is and how i wanted the needle more than i wanted to live . i looked over and saw this kid riding his skateboard in the parking lot of the grocery store . a kid , sean . and i wondered if he 'd know how to score a hit . i got out of the truck before i even realized what i was doing . '' she wilted in the seat , all the fight completely gone . there was such despair in her eyes that it made him want to cry like a damn baby . `` ah shit , rachel . she jerked her head around , her eyes red-rimmed , exhaustion and self-recrimination stark in her features . that i 'm the world 's biggest screwup ? that i 'm trying my best to mess up my life as soon as i get it back ? do you have any idea how much i hate myself ? '' sean pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair . you may have wanted to but nothing you could ever say will convince me that you would have gone through with it . and i sure as hell ca n't arrest someone for wanting to commit a crime for god 's sake . if that was the case , the whole damn world would be in jail , including yours truly . '' her muffled laughter sounded pitiful , but at least she 'd stopped crying . `` i 'm about to go out of my mind , '' she said against his shirt . he could feel the light shudders of her body and knew she was suffering . how she 'd endured this far was a mystery to him . `` i 'm not sure i have a mind left , '' she added . he held her for a minute and absently ran his hand through her hair .	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and he watched her , listened to her roughening breaths , waited for her to relax upon his fingers . finally , she did , sweetly giving him more of her trust . attempting to stretch her sinfully narrow opening , his cck wept , hungry to replace his fingers . the need inside him started to snarl and growl . he dragged in air and forced himself to be gentle . there 's a good lass . trust that i wo n't hurt you . i feel your need growing . i promise you , i will indeed put that fire out . then i 'll stoke it again . '' she gasped , mewled , skin sheening under the lights , eyes closed . so sensual ... removing his fingers , he gathered more lube , generously slathering her slightly expanded opening . inserting his fingers again , he spread the digits wide , gliding his knuckles back and forth against her thinning rim . attuned to her every nuance , from her soft whimpers to the way her eyes fluttered open and closed as she desperately tried to focus on him , liam exercised every ounce of his patience . pleasure played across her face with abandon , thrilling him . very soon , he 'd fill her wee , lush body to the brim with exquisite need and drive her to orgasm under his command . you 've got my cck bursting at the seams , desperate i am to be inside you , '' he whispered for her ears only as she breathed out her pleasure , her muscles rippling and clenching around his fingers . `` there ... stay with me , raine . let me help you touch the stars . '' plucking a condom out of his pocket , he tore into his zipper , then slid his trousers down . with his teeth , he tore into the foil package and slid it over his turgid shaft , biting back a groan . dripping more lube onto his cock , he stroked the slick gel over it , coating the latex completely . focus on me now and me alone . i want to see your eyes as i fill you . i intend to watch you come for me . '' her eyes widened , but still contained a dreamlike blue haze . removing his fingers , he wrapped his fist around his throbbing shaft as he set the crest against her readied opening . so small , so delicate everywhere . pulling her cheeks wider still , fighting every god-given instinct to plunge balls deep , he sucked in a stuttering breath and eased the bulbous tip inside , as far as her tight band of muscle allowed . apprehension filled her eyes when he met them in the mirror . desire lurked there , too . `` shh ... there now . do n't fight me , lovely . as you release it , push back and let me in . let me turn it into the most glorious pleasure you 've ever felt . liam paused as he waited for her answer . reaching beneath her , he stroked her clt again . the moment throbbed . he itched with the need to press in and drive into her welcoming softness and be burned alive . he resisted and watched her in the mirror . a movement in the glass caught his eye . the hot , fierce eyes that glared at him promised retribution . another problem for another time . raine needed him now . lowering his gaze to her once more , he teased her clt with another light stroke as he sank a bit deeper inside . finally , she relaxed , pushed back to him . and he slipped past her tight ring of muscle and began to fall into her . the burn , the grip , the perfection of her flesh ... liam could n't hold in a groan as he pushed into her , little by little . melded with her , not stopping until his balls rested against her weeping cunt , until every inch of his cck filled her blistering ass . her hiss turned to a sigh as he claimed her . he gave her the briefest moment of respite , then he began to thrust in slow , friction-filled strokes . the sweet burn soon had her trembling on his cck and wailing for relief . biting back a curse , and fighting the urgency gathering in his balls , he gritted his teeth and focused on raine . she welcomed him as he plunged into her over and over again , trying to burn himself into her soul . she came alive , grew wild . with every sensation he drew forth , she melted and gave up more control to him . he felt the fragile connection he forged all the way to her glorious soul . brimming with thrill , he laid over her back , dragging his lips across the curve of neck . he raked his fingers through her drenched folds and over her hard clit . `` now you 're mine , lass . feel my cck stretching you , filling you . this is the cck that will grant your every pleasure , '' he growled hungry and raspy in her ear . `` feel my hands on you .	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she 'd never been kissed like that before , with such complete confidence and expertise , as if she were his for the taking , as if they had reverted to more primitive times when the dominant male had his pick of the women . vaguely alarmed , she made a small effort to free herself from his grasp . he subdued her with gentle force and kissed her again , holding her head still for the pressure of his mouth . once again jane found herself opening her mouth for him , forgetting why she 'd struggled to begin with . since her divorce a lot of men had kissed her and tried to make her respond . they 'd left her cold . why should this rough ... mercenary , or whatever he was , make shivers of pleasure chase over her body , when some of the most sophisticated men in the world had only bored her with their passion ? his lips were warm and hard , the taste of his mouth heady , his tongue bold in its exploration , and his kisses caused an unfamiliar ache to tighten within her body . a mindless little whimper of delight escaped her throat , the soft female sound making his arms tighten around her . her hands slid up to his shoulders , then locked around his neck , hanging on to him for support . she could n't get close enough to him , though he was crushing her against him . the buttons of his shirt dug into her bare breasts , but she was n't aware of any pain . his mouth was wild , hungry with a basic need that had flared out of control , bruising her lips with the force of his kisses , and she did n't care . instead she gloried in it , clinging to him . her body was suddenly alive with sensations and needs that she did n't recognize , never having felt them before . her skin actually ached for his touch , yet every stroke of his hard fingers made the ache intensify . boldly cupping her breast in his palm , he rubbed the rough pad of his thumb across her tightly puckered nipple , and jane almost cried aloud at the surge of heat that washed through her . it had never been like this for her before ; the urgency of the pure , brazen sensuality of her own body took her by surprise . she 'd long ago decided that she simply was n't a very physical person , then forgotten about it . sex had n't been something that interested her very much . the way grant was making her feel completely shattered her concept of herself . she was a female animal in his arms , grinding against him , feeling and glorying in the swollen response of his body , and hurting with the emptiness deep inside her . time disappeared as they stood in the water , the late afternoon sun dappling them with the shifting patterns of light created by the sheltering trees . his hands freely roamed her body . she never even thought of resisting him . it was as if he had every right to her flesh , as if she were his to touch and taste . he bent her back over his arm , making her breasts jut enticingly , and his lips traveled hotly down her throat to the warm , quivering mounds . he took her nipple into his mouth and sucked strongly , and she surged against him like a wild creature , on fire and dying and wanting more . his hand swept downward , his fingers curving between her legs to caress her through the silk of her panties . the boldness of his touch shocked her out of her sensual frenzy ; automatically she stiffened in his grasp and brought her arms down from around his neck to wedge them between their bodies and push against him . a low , guttural sound rattled in his throat , and for a brief , terrified moment she thought there would n't be any stopping him . then , with a curse , he thrust her away from him . jane staggered a little , and his hand shot out to catch her , hauling her back to face him . `` damn you , is this how you get your kicks ? '' `` do you like seeing how far you can push a man ? '' her chin came up , and she swallowed . i know i should n't have thrown myself at you like that -- '' `` damned right , you should n't , '' he interrupted savagely . helooked savage ; his eyes were narrowed and bright with rage , his nostrils flared , and his mouth a thin , grim line . `` next time , you 'd better make sure you want what you 're asking for , because i 'm damned sure going to give it to you . he turned and began wading to the bank , leaving her standing in the middle of the stream . jane crossed her arms over her bare breasts , suddenly and acutely aware of her nakedness . she had n't meant to tease him , but she 'd been so frightened , and he 'd been so strong and calm that it had seemed the most natural thing in the world to cling to him . those frenzied kisses and caresses had taken her by surprise , shaken her off balance . still , she was n't about to have sex with a man she barely knew , especially when she did n't quite know if she liked what little she did know about him . he reached the bank and turned to look at her .	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he ran from a woman . five thursday . lauryn had never been claustrophobic before , but she was getting there fast . the walls of the spacious oceanfront bedroom seemed to close in around her as the clock inched toward the time set for the ceremony . her pulse raced and her mouth felt as dry and gritty as the sand dunes outside the cottage . the silk chiffon of her strapless ivory tea-length dress fluttered against her shins as she paced from the window to the door and back , again and again , and the lace bolero jacket abraded her neck and shoulders . since the ceremony would take place on the beach she 'd decided against wearing shoes , and the floor tiles further chilled her already cold bare feet . she could n't help comparing this wedding to her first . her ex had had an agenda . only adam 's was n't illegal and no one would get hurt . plus lauryn knew what she was getting into this time . at eighteen and a day , she 'd been incredibly young , naive and hardheaded when her father had forbidden her to see tommy saunders again . she 'd foolishly believed herself old enough and wise enough to know better than her father . she and her dad had had another one of their legendary screaming matches , but this time lauryn 's mother had n't played mediator the way she usually did when lauryn 's father went all dictatorial . afterward lauryn had hidden in her room and called tommy to vent . he 'd insisted she was of age and her father could n't tell her what to do anymore . on a wave of righteous indignation she 'd agreed to go to mexico with tommy for spring break . two days later she 'd packed her bags , lied about spending the week at the beach with a girlfriend and left . in tijuana tommy had plied her with tequila and then asked her to marry him . she 'd almost agreed , but even tipsy she 'd known better than to cross her father that drastically . the next morning she 'd awoken hungover and with a cheap wedding ring on her finger that she could n't remember putting there . when she 'd freaked out tommy had admitted he 'd slipped something into her drink to loosen her inhibitions and help her make the decision he knew she really wanted to make . his high-handedness had worried her but she 'd loved him enough to make excuses for him . she had n't panicked until he revealed his scheme over lunch to make them both rich and then she 'd suddenly felt queasy and afraid . blaming her hangover , she 'd excused herself to go to the bathroom , slipped out the backdoor of the cantina , found a phone and called her father . that was the last time lauryn had rebelled . after her father had rescued her from that disaster she 'd become the perfect dutiful daughter , a straight-a student and as prim and proper as emily post . emily post would n't be eloping in the bahamas or neglecting to invite her mother to the ceremony . wincing , lauryn paused by the glass doors leading to the deck . she had n't called because she did n't want her mother to know about this marriage . susan would be upset at how far lauryn was willing to go to gain information about her birthmother , and she 'd be hurt . she 'd view this as another sign that she 'd failed lauryn as a parent . but other than not revealing the secret of lauryn 's birthmother sooner , that could n't be further from the truth . lauryn studied the beach below her bedroom and tried to calm her agitated nerves . the flowered archway cassie had ordered for the ceremony stood in the sand between the cottage and the lapping waves . the photographer hustled around checking shot angles or light or whatever it was photographers did . the doorbell followed by muffled voices penetrated the closed bedroom door . was that cassie ? the need to see a friendly face overwhelmed her . lauryn yanked open the door . adam , brandon and cassie turned in unison . `` i take it you 're not superstitious , '' cassie said . lauryn 's gaze slid to adam as if dragged by a strong riptide . a black tuxedo complimented his ink-dark hair , made his shoulders look broader and his legs longer . his white shirt accentuated his tan and made his blue eyes and the flash of teeth in his slow smile seem brighter . he looked like every girl 's fantasy groom . she tamped down that thought and dampened her dry lips . no one will respect or value you if you do n't respect and value yourself , her father 's words came back to her . so no sex and no more mr . right nows . not even the one she 'd marry in a few minutes .	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if he spent as much time at the newspaper as he had three years earlier , there would n't be any extra hours left . `` i suppose his eating habits are atrocious . '' steffie suspected they were , but she shrugged . `` i bet he 'd enjoy a home-cooked meal every now and then , do n't you ? '' steffie eyed her sister suspiciously . `` of course , '' she answered with a sly grin . `` i think you should heat up some of that fabulous spaghetti sauce and take it to him later . you know what they say about the way to a man 's heart , do n't you ? '' `` funny , that sounds exactly like a suggestion of dad 's . what 's your interest in this ? '' `` well , '' valerie said coyly , `` that way i would n't feel guilty about asking you if i could take some to colby 's . if he tasted your spaghetti sauce and happened to assume , through no error of mine , that i 'd cooked this fabulous dinner- '' she paused to inhale deeply `` -he 'd be so overcome by the idea of marrying such a fabulous cook that he 'd go over the wedding list with me and not put it off for the third time . '' `` there 's method in your madness , valerie bloomfield . '' colby does n't know that i ca n't tell one side of a cookie sheet from the other . i do n't want to disillusion him quite so soon . he suggested i make dinner tonight and , well , you get the picture . '' i 'll be happy to share the spaghetti sauce with you . '' `` i 'll hang around the kitchen to be sure some of the aroma sticks to me . '' `` i 'll give you the recipe if you want . '' `` i want , but if i have trouble cooking with a microwave , heaven only knows what i 'll do once i 'm around a stove . one with burners and a real oven . '' steffie chuckled . she certainly had no objection to helping her sister prepare dinner for colby , but she was n't sure taking a plate over to charles 's house was such a good plan . valerie and norah convinced her otherwise . `` charles never did get to sample your cooking , '' norah reminded her . `` he stopped by and you offered him dinner , but he 'd already eaten . norah looked mildly surprised , as though everyone must be aware of what went on between steffie and charles . her dear , matchmaking father . steffie should have known . `` it is n't going to hurt anything , '' valerie reminded her . `` if you want , you can ride into town with me . i 'll go over to charles 's house with you and we can drop off the meal , then i 'll drive you home . '' steffie still was n't sure , but norah and valerie believed it was a romantic thing to do . they both seemed to think charles was serious about their relationship . as for steffie , she did n't know what to think anymore . in fact , she preferred not to think about their relationship at all . and yet ... she remained hesitant about this project of delivering him a surprise dinner but valerie and norah were so certain it would be a success that she went ahead with it . they were apparently right . she 'd found his door open-that had n't changed , she thought with a twinge of embarrassment-and had left a container of the sauce , some noodles with instructions and a couple of last-minute extras on his kitchen table . steffie was propped up in her bed reading a new mystery novel at ten-thirty that night . her bedroom window was open and a breeze whispered through the orchard . the house was quiet ; her father had gone to bed an hour earlier , and her sisters were both out for the evening . when the phone chimed , she answered on the first ring , not wanting it to wake her father . charles asked , sounding thoroughly delighted . `` i came home exhausted and hungry , thinking i was going to have to throw something in the microwave for dinner . the minute i walked into the house , i smelled this heavenly scent of basil and garlic . i followed my nose to the table and found your note . '' `` you should thank valerie and norah . the whole thing was their idea . '' had he been furious , steffie would gladly have shifted the blame , so she figured it was only right to share the credit . `` i have n't tasted spaghetti that good since my grandmother died . i 'd forgotten how delicious homemade sauce can be . '' steffie was warmed by the compliment . `` enjoyed it ! it was like stepping back into my childhood to spend the evening with my grandmother . she was a fabulous cook , and so are you . '' steffie leaned against the heap of pillows and closed her eyes , savoring these precious moments .	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i push into the bathroom and let the water run hot in the sink as i stare at myself in the mirror . you dont need her , bradshaw , i mutter at my reflection , and my stomach knots at the words . i may not need her , but i want hera want thats so intoxicating , so potent , it masquerades as need . but none of that matters because i cant forgive her . the end this is the end of liz and sams prequel , but its not the end of them . i hope youll follow their story in the reckless and real series , beginning with something reckless ( december 22 , 2014 ) and concluding in something real ( march 2015 ) . if you would like to be notified when i release a new book , please sign up for my newsletter . other titles by lexi ryan the new hope series unbreak me stolen wishes ( a wish i may prequel novella ) wish i may here and now ( a new hope series ) lost in me fall to you all for this reckless and real ( a new hope series ) something wild ( a reckless and real prequel novella ) something reckless something real hot contemporary romance text appeal accidental sex goddess decadence creek stories and novellas just one night just the way you are contact i love hearing from readers , so find me on my facebook page at facebook.com/lexiryanauthor , follow me on twitter @ writerlexiryan , shoot me an email at writerlexiryan @ gmail.com , or find me on my website . amber lynn copyright 2012 amber lynn smashwords edition , license notes this ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . authors note prepare yourself for a wild ride so this story really did come out of nowhere . i had stopped writing and was trying to come up with a walkthrough type companion book , when ideas just started flying into my mind . first came a location . then the twists and turns the book could take . sometimes i think avery is really an evil witch and making me write about her . okay not really , it was a joke . put down the phone and throw away the number to the psychiatric hospital . again , this took place in a location ive never been before , so i may have made portions of it up . im hoping by the time i get to the last book , ill be ready to have at least part of it take place in my hometown . im finding as i think about it , its difficult to pick a single place , but there are a lot possibilities . well , i wont keep you from this story as i yammer about ones to come . thank you for continuing to read averys tale . theres still a lot of fun to come . amber table of contents chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 chapter 6 chapter 7 chapter 8 chapter 9 chapter 10 chapter 11 chapter 12 chapter 13 chapter 14 chapter 15 chapter 16 chapter 17 chapter 18 chapter 19 chapter 20 chapter 21 chapter 22 chapter 23 chapter 24 chapter 25 chapter 26 chapter 27 chapter 28 chapter 29 chapter 1 marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy you may now kiss the bride , the minister said , just before frannie and gary started earnestly making out . it was gross , and it looked like they were about to eat each others faces off . i really hoped me and nate didnt look like that when we kissed , because if we did , i was going to have to put an end to it . i glanced over at nate and saw that he was chuckling at the expression on my face . next to him , rick was doing the same . come on , it was a gross abuse of a wedding kiss . couldnt everybody see that ? i stuck my tongue out at them and telepathically asked , should we put a stop to this ? there are kids in the audience and i dont think they should have to witness this . they cant last much longer , sis , rick mentally said . i mean , even though theyre pretty much immortal , they do need to breathe sometime . the minister started clearing his throat to get their attention . i now present to you , mr. and mrs. gary heinz . thankfully that did the trick and they separated . the crowd cheered as we made our way down the aisle behind them . as the best man and maid of honor , nate and i got to walk together . you still sure you want to go through with the whole wedding thing ? ours is going to be nothing like this . no huge church , no five hundred guests , and definitely no ice sculpture of the two of us holding hands . i dont know who thought that was a good idea , but its really creepy , i replied . thank god , he said , laughing softly . have you even told frannie yet ? its just a month away . no , i wanted her to get through her own wedding without taking the spotlight away from her . ill let everyone know when she comes back from the honeymoon . as far as i was concerned , telling them five minutes beforehand was enough warning for the kind of wedding i was planning .	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five minutes later she padded out on the patio and sank down on the lounger . she was aware that dominic had seen her from the study , where she 'd caught a glimpse of him standing at the window , talking on his cell phone . she 'd felt the impact of his gaze even at this distance . she opened her book and pretended to read , not that she was taking in any of the words now . her heart was pounding and the pages were a blur . dominic had made her his the other night and his look just now told her he wanted her again . she was weak , but , oh , she wanted him again , too . it had been building since yesterday morning . ten minutes later he still had n't come outside . had she imagined that look from the window ? she wondered , pushing to her feet and going to the kitchen to see what they could have for lunch . she was looking in the refrigerator when she heard a noise behind her . dominic was standing in the doorway . his eyes were filled with hot desire . he did n't say a word as he came toward her-and made straight for her lips . his kiss was white-hot , plundering her mouth like he 'd been starving for her forever . it was a mind-numbing experience having a man devour her like this , wanting her this much , his tongue painting her with his taste . velvet on velvet . he pushed her back against the coolness of the refrigerator and began kissing nibbles the length of her collarbone to the curve of her shoulder . she inhaled the faint citrus aftershave he wore . combined with his own scent , it went straight to her head . then his lips made their way back and she turned her head slightly before he could reach her , ready to meet his mouth with her own , offering it to him . he took her in one swoop . she could feel his hands roaming over her , but it was n't until he broke off the kiss to look down at her lace-cupped brsts that she realized he 'd undone the halter tie at her neck . her top had slipped to her waist , leaving her standing there in her strapless black bra , and in the clear light of day , his masculine eyes took in every detail . `` you 're beautiful , '' he said huskily , unhooking her bra , and she spilled into his hands . she gave a soft moan as he cupped her , his thumbs skimming across her nples , budding them until they ached for more . his fingers obliged , taking the brown peaks and rolling them until she tingled all the way down to her toes . it was the most superb form of punishment . his hands left her brsts and she wanted to cry out not to stop , but they merely slid down to her waist and pushed her halter top farther down her hips . using the same skimming movement that he 'd done to her nples , he skimmed his thumbs over her h*ps and oddly , it was just as intense . his eyes held hers , watching her face . she felt his fingers go under her shorts , pushing them down as his whole body sank downward , too , pushing all her clothes off her , including her high-cut panties , exposing her to him . her heart stood still for a moment . she watched him move his head toward her stomach and place his lips against her belly button . she gasped , but that was nothing compared to the gasp she gave as he began placing little kisses down to the v at her thighs . in next to no time he had her melting under his tongue . velvet fire . six for the rest of the week they took time out to walk along some of the beaches in the area and visited the beautiful waterfall at erskine falls . they also drove along the great ocean road to apollo bay , then a little farther on to cape otway to visit one of australia 's oldest lighthouses . in the evening they watched movies or played cards or chess . dominic had been right that this break would do her good . in spite of the tension between them , now that she was away from the city and all the reminders of liam , she felt a little less stressed as each day passed by . dominic seemed more laid-back as well though sometimes she 'd catch him staring at her with a withdrawn look about him . she did n't have to wonder why . his opinion of her had n't changed . he might understand her a little more now he knew about her upbringing , but in his eyes that did n't excuse her for being a gold digger , nor for her supposed affair . and he was still angry with her for the way he thought she 'd treated liam . he was n't about to let go of those feelings . she had to admit she had n't cared so much before what he thought . she 'd had too much else on her mind with nicole and joe , and had tried not to think about her and dominic 's future together .	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for this reason , and for others also , humanoids were assumed to be damaged goods at the outset , with expectations of being no higher and no more important than what was the worst-case scenario in many cases . strangely enough , this low-balling of the expectations and standards with regard to their success also enabled a secretive school of designers and their lead programmers to approach the humanoid creation with a flexibility of artistry that was out-sized . they found in their work a fascination that bordered on artistry . by escaping beyond the bounds of what was typical and consistent in a field that was most commonly known for sticking to a humdrum propensity for conformity to limitations , these motivated professionals did the unimaginable . these designers could experiment openly and without penalty , infusing their humanoids with individual habits , ticks , and behaviors that could not be found in any other unit . such designers relished in creating a diversity of impulses , introducing peccadilloes , behavioral ticks , and habitual tendencies that could be ascribed back to a specific designing professionals artistry , in the form of living signatures representative by the humanoid creations . these special programming attributes carried out by maestro artisan designers were projected into a single unit or sometimes collectively , in the form of a great bargain , arising in the dispatch of a great many collective units ; they were manifested as the equivalent of being made in the image of the originating designer , who rarely ever encountered the artistry of their command . all of this adaptation in the creation of the command culture of humanoids , both in terms of the design and also in the implementation of methods employed during all phases of their construction were sometimes and often accounted for as considered forms of negligence ; however , more accurately , they were the evolution development of obscurely intentional compensated activities , inadvertently supported by the brayton corporation , the squadron management corp , and an alternating and unmitigated circle of power players . the mastery and the imprint of these designing architects remained below the radar of standardized customary regulation . this is one of the reasons that humanoids were found within the populations in such great numbers , without any overriding adherence to quotas or the demographic stability lines offsetting our commensurable entitlements . their presence was so common that the visual definitions that provoked with their ungainly sight was thought to be justified , or at least , tolerated by the rest of the collectivity , simply because they were unavoidable in so many cases of the happenings taking place in the sequential ordering of daily life . one time , i had heard my supervisor in our department , mr. rownin shreulouma say in a hasty blowhard manner , as if to shoot off steam for the purpose of reducing stress : humanoids are manufactured for one purpose , and for one purpose only , and that is so that they can help to crowd the city and raise the level of our riff-raff . their purpose is to overpopulate this place in their own likeness , not our likeness or in the likeness of our respectable brothers and sisters , the andies ! of course , this helps in terms of parity . the humanoid presence levels out and overtakes any value in being a functional and operational sabanai ! on the occasion of his pronouncement , we had all been sitting at the lunch tables in the big room known as the carpet cafeteria . the sabanai were the hardworking and ingenious human element of the collective populations , who lived primarily in one overpopulated , well-developed quadrant of our warped city . it just so happened that later i would learn that lexanna lived amongst them . they are a feverish bunch ! shouted one of our compatriots , who remained anonymous as a respondent to rownins comment . another yelled : the hasty few have become the hapless many ! they are given full freedom to carouse without consideration for their numbers ! rownin continued , these humanoids were dumped on us . it was pure irony that his words could not have been further from actuality , a repressed and derided truth . nevertheless , i knew that the administration calculated with feverish intensity the exact number of humanoids they had introduced , or were allowable by their population estimates , with a choice of restrictions when it came to any specific demographic , but i did not want to reveal my knowledge , for fear of being singled out and punished for the truth . i looked about me in the fullness of the near empty space . at one time , there had been many animals in the place , locked inside their cages , looking on at the people stuffing their faces ; but the choice of such living interior decorations had been long past and the real animals , once upon a time , had been replaced by robotics in so many cases . so as my eyes darted to study my peers , the movement was extensive in the large room , since cybernetic animal parts and people harmoniously fidgeted and motioned . it still had the feel of the thematic style of being a cafeteria surrounding by a fully adorned zoo , the original dcor of the rather plain and obvious displays .	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`` i do n't want to hear one word from any of you again tonight , '' he grumbled as he stalked from the room . aria stood silently in the corner of the room . thankfully they had not retreated to gideon 's `` study , '' but to a large dining room in the back of the house . braith sat at the head of the large table , his hands folded before him . he was leaning forward , his tone low and fervent as he spoke with the vampires gathered around him . they listened to him with rapt attention , ensnared by his words and the aura of power he emitted . a lump formed in her throat as pride bloomed in her . it was amazing to watch him like this . she knew he did n't consider himself a leader , but he already was . and they would follow him , she was certain of it . her gaze scanned over the group gathered around him . they were an eclectic lot . gideon and ashby sat on each side of braith , beside ashby sat barnaby , a vampire even fairer than ashby . his hair was nearly white , his eyes a washed out watery blue . tall and thin he possessed a regal air that marked him every inch the aristocrat he was . xavier sat beside barnaby ; he was leaning forward as he listened to braith . his head was completely bald and his dark skin gleamed in the light filtering through the windows . tattoos marked the backs of his hands and ran up his solid arms before disappearing beneath the sleeves of his shirt . strange designs and flames reappeared at the side of his neck before ending at his right ear and the bottom of his chin . xavier might have been one of the most intriguing looking men she had ever seen , with his eclectic tattoos , but it was saul that she found her gaze drawn repeatedly toward . unlike the others , who all appeared to be under the age of thirty , saul had salt and pepper hair that fell around his sharp face . his nose was hawkish , his eyes a darker shade of gray than his hair . she knew that frank was the human leader , but what was saul ? he was the first vampire she had ever seen that appeared aged , at least fifty judging by the lines around his eyes and the corners of his mouth . had this man survived the change ? she wanted to ask braith about it , could n't wait to get him alone to find out the details , but it would be awhile before that happened . calista sat regally beside saul , her head held high on her slender neck . her skin was not as dark as xavier 's , but a soft brown hue that matched her eyes . her hair was cropped close to her skull , highlighting the intriguing angles and planes of her features . `` he reminds me of father , '' william whispered . `` people listen to and follow both of them . '' besides being a little disturbed by the association william had just made , aria could n't help but smile as she nodded in agreement . `` they will follow him . '' aria turned toward william as she caught the hint of something in his tone . he seemed to have come to some sort of realization , one that saddened him . he smiled wanly at her , but it was forced , awkward and uncertain . `` william , what is it ? '' he shook his head , looking like he was about to say something , but braith interrupted him . `` arianna , william . '' forcing her face to remain impassive , she straightened her shoulders and appeared indifferent toward braith as she moved slowly toward him . she was well aware of the fact that they were all watching her and william questioningly . `` their father is the leader of the rebel cause closest to the palace . david is gathering support there for what we are about to undergo . '' aria met each of their gazes as braith continued on . `` jericho , who now goes by the name jack , has been working with david for awhile now and is helping with this undertaking . melinda has returned to the palace to be our eyes and ears on the inside . '' `` will the humans follow this david ? '' `` people will follow our father , '' william informed him . `` they 've followed our family in one form or another for almost ninety years , and they will continue to do so . especially if there is a chance to end the fear , starvation , and death we live with everyday . '' `` i met your father once , '' frank said . he rose slowly as he ran a hand through his dark hair . `` it was years ago but he was a good man and i remember being impressed by him . i think your mother was pregnant with you both at the time . he is right ; david will be able to rally many to the fight . '' `` are you willing to fight ? '' gideon inquired . frank was fixated on a spot behind braith 's shoulder . then he slowly looked at william and finally her . `` i 'm not sure how many of my people will be willing to jump into this fray .	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she knows that at some time , long ago , this would have been next to nothing , something the tiniest newborn can do , but to her , in this pool of endless clear blue water , it is everything . she is floating up through the water , rising , rising , her body weightless . the water moves easily aside for her and buoys her . as she reaches the surface , the water slides away from her face . she gasps , breathing in the sweet , pine-scented air , then sucking greedily . her fingers twitch , and she is reaching for something ... the shadow in front of her . she opens her eyes and immediately cries out . the light is so bright , she can not stand the brightness . `` she opened her eyes . jesus christ , mike ... we 're here ... '' she takes a deep , calming breath and opens her eyes again . at first the world is a confusing , jarring mixture of white-hot light and black , slanting shadows . she can feel something warm against her palm . she tries to grasp hold , but her fingers are weighted down again , unresponsive . she blinks ; it takes all her concentration to turn her head . something stops the movement , a swell of cottony fabric . the shadows spin in front of her , waving like mirages on a desert highway , then , slowly , slowly , they begin to take shape . there are three people around her , men . she sees him , sees those beloved blue eyes staring down at her . she reaches out for him , meaning to touch his face in the gentlest caress , but her control is shot , and she slaps him hard across the cheek . she means to laugh at the surprise on his face , but instead she bursts into tears . more water , sliding down her cheeks now , tasting salty , like the black sea that held her captive , and she is afraid . she tries to talk . it hurts , burns . still , she pushes a sound up her cracked , broken throat , and when the word comes out , mangled and unfamiliar , she weeps even harder . `` ju ... li ... an . '' `` i 'm here , baby , '' he says in the voice she remembers so well , the voice that seems connected to the tender cords in her heart . `` kayla , baby , are you there ? she opens her eyes again , blinking slowly . it seemed to take her hours to focus , but when she did , she saw him standing beside her , staring down at her , and she felt a rush of joy . `` you came ... another man leaned toward her . on the front of his white coat , it read dr. liam campbell . she frowned and tried to turn her head to look for mike . it tired her and she gave up . she tried to remember how she got here , but there was nothing . she remembered every moment of her life up to when she said good-bye to julian . after that , there was a complete and utter blankness . `` i ... do n't ... where ... '' `` you 're in the hospital , '' someone says . `` juliana , '' she croaked . julian turned to the other man . she 'd been hurt , she realized suddenly . and they would n't answer her question about juliana . the other man touched her face , and there was a gentleness in him that calmed her . she blinked up at his watery , out-of-focus face . he blotted her tears with a tissue . `` do n't cry , mike . your daughter is fine . juliana 's okay . `` who ... '' `` do n't rush it , sweetheart . take it slowly . '' before he answered , she lost interest . her head felt so heavy , so ... broken . all that mattered was that her baby was okay . she closed her eyes and sank back into the cool , blue water , back to the place where it was calm and warm and she was unafraid . `` retrograde amnesia . '' liam and julian were seated in front of stephen penn 's massive oak desk . stephen looked worn and tired . liam leaned forward , rested his arms on his thighs . `` in posttraumatic- '' `` goddamn it , wait a sec . '' julian shot to his feet . he prowled the small office like a caged lion , repeatedly running his hand through his hair . `` i have n't had twenty years of college and i do n't know what you two are talking about . what in the hell is retrograde amnesia ? '' stephen removed the small , circular spectacles from his face , carefully setting them down on the cluttered surface of the desk . he did n't look at liam as he spoke . `` at the moment of serious trauma , the brain stops accumulating memories . that 's why a victim of serious brain injury rarely remembers the actual incident itself . more often than not , the last clear memory is one that happened days or weeks ... or even years before . these are often powerful , significant memories-weddings , births , that sort of thing .	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he let go of the cradle and baby jesus and they fell to the ground as he jumped out of the way just as our car slammed into the back end of the station wagon . i closed my eyes when i heard the sickening crunch of metal , knowing that my dream car was turning into a pile of junk right before my eyes . ma ran out of the barber shop next door when she heard the crash . she had my younger brothers andrew and nate with her who were eight and six years old . they werent in there getting haircuts since ma gave us those at home , but thats where the ladies auxiliary met in the back room to plan the festival since sweet water didnt have a real town hall . boys are you all right ? ma rushed over to help us but pa had that look of anger in his eyes that told me we were in big trouble . shouted pa , gritting his teeth and looking like he was going to explode . i thought he was talking just about the cars until i saw him hold up the smashed cradle and a ceramic baby jesus that was now shattered into pieces . my brothers john and pete who were eleven and twelve ran up next with some of their friends , having stayed after school for detention again . right behind them was brianne , delaney , and a bunch of girls . it was my first car , and probably my last if my pa was going to have anything to say about it , which we all knew he would . hed not only give us all a lecture when we got home , but hed most likely put our personal business into one of his sunday sermons like he usually did . just one more thing to embarrass us . no matter what , pa wasnt going to take this lightly . i tried to start the engine but it wouldnt turn over , and by the look of the station wagon i knew we would be having to walk places or hitch a ride from someone for awhile , because there was no way in hell all of us were going to fit inside now when we went to mass on sundays . actually , we hadnt all fit inside for quite awhile now . usually our aunt cappy drove some of us in her car , but no one ever wanted to ride with her since her driving was pretty scary . the snow filled up the seats of my new car , and i felt like burrowing my head under the pile just to hide away , as the girls on the curb started to laugh at me again . between their laughing and my fathers shouting at me , i didnt think id ever be able to show my face in sweet water again . chapter 2 levi levi and i stood out back of the barn the next day , shooting empty soda cans off the fence with pas shotgun and handgun that he let me use to hunt . actually , my brothers name was matthew levi , named after the apostle whod been a tax collector , but he didnt care for the name matthew nor taxes , so had stubbornly insisted everyone call him levi for as long as i could remember . my pa hadnt liked it , but my ma did , and thats all that mattered to us . from that day on , we called my brother levi , and eventually my pa did the same . the guns we were using were actually my grandfathers at one time but now they were ours . our grandparents were dead now and the only thing to remember them by was the lake property and the twelve rental cabins my pa had inherited . it was ironic that the taylors owned a good chunk of the lake as well as rentals cabins and we still lived like paupers . my father told me one day everything would belong to my brothers and i and that hed made me the executor of his estate . anyway , my brothers and i had spent the last two weeks not only collecting empty cans from everyone we knew but painting them to look like nutcrackers to hang in the trees around town for the winter festival . ma volunteered us to do it when she went to one of those festival planning meetings . we didnt want to let her down , so even though we hated it , we did it for her . im not sure who thought it up , but it was a stupid idea . while our younger brothers liked painting the damned cans , levi and i just wanted to use them for target practice . there were a lot of mouths to feed in our family , and we depended on the meat we could hunt or the fish we could catch to put food on the table in the lean winter months . ma had worked hard canning peaches and pears in the late summer , and id made sure to help her . shed also put a lot of extra vegetables from our garden into the deep freeze to last throughout the winter . levi and i were always the first to volunteer to help her , but of course we had an ulterior motive . we were teenagers with big appetites and it took a lot to fill us up . with lots of brothers and little food , we were lucky if we didnt walk away from the table hungry . levi held up the shotgun and took out only one of the six cans on the fence .	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`` they do say , '' he said softly , `` that a great storm portends the death of a king . '' `` wait here , sassenach , while i fetch the horse . we 'll go home . '' 85 hearthfire fraser 's ridge october , 1771 the season changed , from one hour to the next . she had gone to sleep in the cool balm of an indian summer evening , and wakened in the middle of the night to the sharp bite of autumn , her feet freezing under the single quilt . still drowsy , she could n't fall sleep again , not without more covers . she dragged slit-eyed out of bed , padded over the icy floor to check jemmy . he was warm enough , sunk deep into his tiny featherbed , the quilt drawn up around his small pink ears . she laid a gentle hand on his back , waiting for the reassurance of the rise and fall of his breath . once , twice , once more . she rummaged for an extra quilt and spread it on the bed , reached for a cup of water to ease her dry throat , and realized with a grunt of annoyance that it was empty . she thought with longing of crawling back into bed , sinking into deep , warm slumber-but not dying of thirst . there was a bucket of well water by the stoop . yawning and grimacing , she slid the bolt from its brackets and set it gently down-though jem slept so soundly at night , there was n't much danger of waking him . still , she opened the door with care and stepped out , shivering slightly as the cold air twitched the shift about her legs . she bent and groped in the darkness . no bucket . where- she saw a flicker of movement from the corner of her eye and whirled . for an instant , she thought it was obadiah henderson , sitting on the bench beside her door , and her heart clenched like a fist as he stood up . then she realized , and was in roger 's arms before her mind could consciously sort out the details of him . pressed against him , speechless , she had time to notice things : the arch of his collarbone against her face , the smell of clothes gone so long worn , so long unwashed that they did n't smell even of sweat any longer , but of the wood he walked through and the earth he slept upon , and mostly of the bitter smoke he breathed . the strength of his arm about her and the rasp of his beard on her skin . the cracked cold leather of his shoes beneath her bare toes , and the shape of the bones of his feet within them . `` it 's you , '' she said , and was crying . `` aye , i 'm home , '' he whispered in her ear . `` you 're well ? jem 's well ? '' she relaxed her hold on his ribs and he smiled at her , so strange to see his smile through a growth of thick black beard , the curve of his lips familiar in the moonlight . she sniffed , eyes overflowing as she looked at him . `` what are you doing out here , for heaven 's sake ? i did n't want to scare ye . thought i 'd sleep out here , knock in the morning . why are ye crying ? '' she realized then that he was n't whispering from any desire to avoid waking jem ; what voice he had was a ragged husk , warped and breathless . and yet he spoke clearly , the words unforced , without the painful hesitation he had had . `` you can talk , '' she said , wiping hastily at her eyes with the back of a wrist . `` i mean-better . '' once , she would have hesitated to touch his throat , fearful of his feelings , but instinct knew better than to waste the sudden intimacy of shock . the strain might come again , and they be strangers , but for a moment , for this moment in the dark , she could say anything , do anything , and she put her fingers on the warm ragged scar , touched the incision that had saved his life , a clean white line through the whiskers . `` does it still hurt to talk ? '' `` it hurts , '' he said , in the faint croaking rasp , and his eyes met hers , dark and soft in the moonlight . i will-brianna . '' she stepped back , one hand on his arm , unwilling to let go . i had any number of objections to hearthfire , ranging from splinters under the fingernails and pitch on the hands to blisters , burns , and the sheer infuriating contrariness of the element . i would , however , say two things in its favor : it was undeniably warm , and it cast the act of love in a light of such dim beauty that all the hesitations of nak*dness could safely be forgotten . our mingled shadows flowed together on the wall , here a limb , there the curve of back or haunch showed clean , some part of an undulating beast .	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["autumns", 395], ["foot", 406], ["feet", 406], ["froze", 415], ["frozen", 415], ["freeze", 415], ["freezing", 415], ["single", 432], ["quilt", 438], ["quilted", 438], ["quilting", 438], ["quiltest", 438], ["still", 446], ["drowsy", 453], ["fall", 474], ["falls", 474], ["without", 500], ["cover", 512], ["covers", 512], ["drag", 526], ["dragged", 526], ["slit", 531], ["eye", 536], ["eyed", 536], ["bed", 547], ["pad", 556], ["padding", 556], ["padded", 556], ["icy", 569], ["floor", 575], ["check", 584], ["jemmy", 590], ["warm", 604], ["enough", 611], ["sink", 618], ["sank", 618], ["sunk", 618], ["deep", 623], ["deeply", 623], ["tiny", 637], ["featherbed", 648], ["draw", 666], ["draws", 666], ["drawn", 666], ["around", 676], ["small", 686], ["pink", 691], ["ear", 696], ["ears", 696], ["lay", 707], ["lays", 707], ["layed", 707], ["layest", 707], ["laid", 707], ["gentle", 716], ["gentler", 716], ["hand", 721], ["back", 733], ["wait", 743], ["waitest", 743], ["waiting", 743], ["reassurance", 763], ["rise", 775], ["risen", 775], ["breath", 798], ["breathest", 798], ["twice", 813], ["rummage", 840], ["rummaged", 840], ["extra", 853], ["extras", 853], ["spread", 870], ["reach", 894], ["reached", 894], ["cup", 904], ["water", 913], ["ease", 921], ["dry", 929], ["drier", 929], ["drying", 929], ["throat", 936], ["realize", 951], ["realized", 951], ["grunt", 964], ["annoyance", 977], ["empty", 995], ["think", 1009], ["thinkest", 1009], ["thought", 1009], ["longing", 1022], ["crawl", 1034], ["crawled", 1034], ["sink", 1058], ["sank", 1058], ["sinking", 1058], ["slumber", 1083], ["die", 1097], ["dying", 1097], ["thirst", 1107], ["bucket", 1128], ["well", 1136], ["wells", 1136], ["stoop", 1155], ["slid", 1190], ["bolt", 1199], ["bolts", 1199], ["bolted", 1199], ["bracket", 1217], ["bracketed", 1217], ["brackets", 1217], ["set", 1225], ["gently", 1235], ["though", 1247], ["jem", 1251], ["slept", 1257], ["sleep", 1257], ["sleeps", 1257], ["sleepest", 1257], ["soundly", 1268], ["much", 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["stood", 1718], ["stand", 1718], ["standest", 1718], ["roger", 1760], ["rogers", 1760], ["arm", 1768], ["arms", 1768], ["mind", 1784], ["minding", 1784], ["consciously", 1802], ["sort", 1807], ["detail", 1823], ["details", 1823], ["press", 1840], ["pressed", 1840], ["speechless", 1865], ["time", 1880], ["notice", 1890], ["thing", 1897], ["things", 1897], ["arch", 1908], ["collarbone", 1926], ["collarbones", 1926], ["face", 1943], ["smell", 1955], ["smelt", 1955], ["smellest", 1955], ["clad", 1966], ["clothe", 1966], ["clothes", 1966], ["long", 1979], ["longs", 1979], ["unwashed", 2003], ["even", 2032], ["evens", 2032], ["sweat", 2041], ["long", 2052], ["longs", 2052], ["wood", 2070], ["walk", 2080], ["walked", 2080], ["earth", 2102], ["earths", 2102], ["earthest", 2102], ["upon", 2116], ["mostly", 2129], ["bitter", 2143], ["bitterest", 2143], ["smoke", 2149], ["breathes", 2161], ["breathed", 2161], ["strength", 2176], ["arm", 2187], ["rasp", 2210], ["rasped", 2210], ["rasping", 2210], ["beard", 2223], ["beards", 2223], ["bearded", 2223], ["skin", 2235], ["leather", 2262], ["shoe", 2275], ["shoed", 2275], ["shoes", 2275], ["beneath", 2283], ["bare", 2292], ["toe", 2297], ["toeing", 2297], ["toes", 2297], ["shape", 2313], ["shapes", 2313], ["bone", 2326], ["bonest", 2326], ["bones", 2326], ["within", 2345], ["cry", 2396], ["crying", 2396], ["aye", 2405], ["ayes", 2405], ["whisper", 2435], ["whispered", 2435], ["ear", 2446], ["relax", 2495], ["relaxed", 2495], ["hold", 2504], ["rib", 2516], ["ribs", 2516], ["smile", 2530], ["smiled", 2530], ["strange", 2550], ["see", 2557], ["smile", 2567], ["growth", 2584], ["thick", 2593], ["thickest", 2593], ["black", 2599], ["curve", 2617], ["curved", 2617], ["lip", 2629], ["lipped", 2629], ["lips", 2629], ["familiar", 2638], ["moonlight", 2655], ["moonlights", 2655], ["moonlighted", 2655], ["sniff", 2669], ["sniffed", 2669], ["eye", 2676], ["eyed", 2676], ["eyes", 2676], ["overflow", 2688], ["overflowest", 2688], ["overflowing", 2688], ["look", 2702], ["looked", 2702], ["heaven", 2755], ["heavens", 2755], ["sake", 2763], ["sakes", 2763], ["scared", 2789], ["ye", 2792], ["yed", 2792], ["knock", 2830], ["knocks", 2830], ["knockest", 2830], ["morning", 2845], ["whisper", 2915], ["whispering", 2915], ["desire", 2931], ["avoid", 2940], ["voice", 2964], ["husk", 2989], ["breathless", 3013], ["yet", 3023], ["speak", 3032], ["spoken", 3032], ["spoke", 3032], ["clearly", 3040], ["word", 3052], ["words", 3052], ["unforce", 3061], ["painful", 3083], ["hesitation", 3094], ["talk", 3123], ["wipe", 3146], ["wiping", 3146], ["hastily", 3154], ["wrist", 3191], ["mean", 3203], ["meanest", 3203], ["well", 3210], ["wells", 3210], ["hesitate", 3247], ["hesitated", 3247], ["touch", 3256], ["touching", 3256], ["fearful", 3277], ["feeling", 3293], ["feelings", 3293], ["instinct", 3308], ["know", 3313], ["knowest", 3313], ["knew", 3313], ["waste", 3334], ["sudden", 3345], ["intimacy", 3354], ["intimacies", 3354], ["shock", 3363], 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3947], ["fingernail", 3969], ["fingernails", 3969], ["pitch", 3979], ["hand", 3992], ["hands", 3992], ["blister", 4004], ["blistered", 4004], ["blistering", 4004], ["blisters", 4004], ["burn", 4012], ["burns", 4012], ["sheer", 4028], ["sheering", 4028], ["infuriate", 4040], ["infuriating", 4040], ["contrariness", 4053], ["element", 4068], ["however", 4088], ["two", 4098], ["twos", 4098], ["favor", 4118], ["favorest", 4118], ["undeniably", 4138], ["cast", 4157], ["casts", 4157], ["act", 4165], ["acted", 4165], ["love", 4173], ["lit", 4184], ["light", 4184], ["dim", 4196], ["dimmed", 4196], ["beauty", 4203], ["hesitation", 4228], ["hesitations", 4228], ["safely", 4254], ["forget", 4267], ["forgot", 4267], ["forgotten", 4267], ["shadow", 4289], ["shadowed", 4289], ["shadows", 4289], ["flow", 4296], ["flows", 4296], ["flowed", 4296], ["together", 4305], ["wall", 4317], ["limb", 4331], ["limbs", 4331], ["haunch", 4367], ["haunches", 4367], ["show", 4374], ["showed", 4374], ["part", 4392], ["parting", 4392], ["beast", 4415]]
he knows what he wants ... '' `` and that 's you ... '' marie made a tsk-tsk sound . `` all that chest-thumping should be left to younger men and women youthful enough to appreciate it . '' abby moved away to double-check the plate settings . `` you can tell me it 's none of my business , but i think romario genuinely cares for you . why not give love a second chance ? '' `` i can't- '' she stopped before she lied . `` abby , your generation probably does n't understand , but i married the first man i slept with . i 've only ever been with my husband . i do n't know how to be the wild woman romario wants . i have n't had sex in almost a decade , for god 's sake . '' marie closed her eyes for a moment . abby returned to her side to give her another hug . `` you did , but that 's okay , just do n't let your fears cost you what could be the best chapter of your life . you 've helped everyone else find love . give romario a chance . '' nicole walked into the room . `` give romario a chance to what ? '' when marie 's cheeks reddened , nicole 's did , too . i did n't realize you two were having a private conversation . '' marie straightened . `` abby and i were simply discussing nonsense to pass the time until you arrived . '' abby frowned at her but went to welcome nicole . i cooked lunch today . it 's ready to be served , so please sit down and i 'll be right back . '' nicole offered , `` would you like some help ? abby returned in a flash with quiche and served the two women . `` where is judy ? '' `` sleeping , '' abby said . `` so we probably have only half an hour left of peace . then she 's up , she 's hungry , she 's wet ... i do n't understand how people say you should nap when they nap . by the time i clean up , go to the bathroom , pop some food in my own mouth , it seems like she 's awake again and demanding another meal . '' marie cut into her quiche . `` that stage lasts for such a short time . it puts ten years on you , but it goes by in the blink of an eye . '' abby said , `` i thought i wanted more , but i 'm waiting to see if we survive this one before we try again . '' `` i 've never seen my brother looking so tired . i wonder how stephan will handle fatherhood ? '' abby asked , `` speaking of stephan , how is he ? '' nicole 's face closed a bit . abby put her napkin beside her plate . `` lil told me what happened . she 's afraid she hurt you . '' `` she did n't , '' marie said . `` alethea was up to her old antics again . '' `` i 'm glad you brought her up , '' abby said smoothly . `` it 's alethea i want to discuss today . '' nicole put her hands on her lap , her face purposefully blank . `` i have nothing to say about that woman . '' abby said , `` i realize that she 's hard to understand ... '' marie countered , `` are you actually defending her ? '' with a deep breath , abby plowed forward . `` i 'll admit to having my own problems with alethea , but lil is upset . i spent too many years without my sister to risk losing her again because i ca n't put the past behind me . lil told me that she feels she ca n't get married while alethea is at odds with us . '' marie shook her head sadly . nicole said , `` i love lil like a sister , you know that , but i 'm not going to pretend- '' abby cut her off . `` i 'm not suggesting we pretend anything . i 'm suggesting that we figure out a way today to forgive alethea . for lil . '' marie said , `` i 'm sorry , i believe that life is too short to hold grudges , but i ca n't forget how she treated jeremy . he adored her and she used him . '' `` that 's true , '' abby said . `` but this is n't about jeremy . he does n't need her anymore . '' she looked at nicole . `` and all of us have made bad decisions at one time or another . you 've both made mistakes . families work through problems . `` when i was teaching and my students had trouble getting along , i would have them list what they liked about the other person . it made them realize they were focusing on one or two things instead of the whole person . '' alethea is ... '' abby 's voice trailed off as the first words that came to her were not flattering .	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he knows that his bad phone manners annoy me , so it should n't be very difficult to brush this off . i 'll deal with this on monday morning when jesse is n't within such close proximity of me and my phone . until then , i need to put on an unaffected , relaxed face , and i really must speak to patrick . i open the door and hear the elevator arrive , then the unmistakable sound of clive grumbling . curiously walking towards the elevator , i find clive heaving box after box and bag after bag . 'ava , you have a serious problem . i think you are what they call a shopaholic . do you want it all inside ? ' 'urh , yeah . ' i look and see harrods bags and gift boxes everywhere . i 'm like a spare part , holding the door open , mouth gaped , as clive hoofs them all through and dumps them in the penthouse . i ca n't believe he 's done this . why did n't i suspect something was amiss when he so willingly let me have my way when bargaining with him ? or let me think i got my way , more to the point . the man must have blown a ridiculous amount of money yesterday . clive dumps the last bag and starts making his way back to the door . 'that 's your lot . was there anything left ? ' i look bewilderedly up at clive 's back . he turns and frowns . 'at the store , did you buy them out ? ' 'urhhh , yeah . thanks , clive . ' 'oh , a young lady stopped by . ' clive informs me , but then instantly snaps his mouth shut , obviously realising his error . that soon snaps me from my dazed state . his old eyes are wide . 'urm ... i do n't know ... ' he starts walking back . 'actually , maybe it was for a different resident . ca n't be sure . ' 'it 's my age . ' 'yeah , whatever , clive . short black hair ? ' he said mature when referring to the blonde wavy one , who i now know to be mikael 's wife - or ex-wife . 'ca n't be sure , ava . ' i actually feel a little sorry for him . the poor man should n't have to deal with this . 'let 's keep this quiet , shall we ? ' 'yes , you do n't tell jesse about the young woman , and i wo n't tell anyone about our neighbours habits . ' he sucks in a sharp gasp . i play dirty , old man . i walk over and shut the door in his face . can my poor brain cope with much more . i 'm not telling jesse . i do n't want him contacting coral , helping her , seeing her . i 'm brimming with uncertainties and fear , battling raging jealousy and i 've just set myself up for a lifetime of this . i agreed to marry him . jesse 's phone starts screaming from the kitchen , and i find myself following the ringtone until i 'm stood at the island looking down at the screen . i knew who it would be before i even got a glimpse of the display . rightly or wrongly , i answer it , disregarding my conscience that is currently advising me i 'm a hypocrite . 'coral ? ' i say , evenly and clearly . there is silence , but she does n't hang up . 'coral , what do you want ? ' 'is jesse there ? ' her voice is small , and i 'm a touched surprised that she has n't hung up . i realise now that i was expecting her to , once she heard my voice . maybe i just wanted her to be aware that i 'm aware , i do n't know , but she 's certainly got some balls . 'he 's in the shower . i sound polite , but with an edge of irritation . 'no , i need to speak to him . ' she does n't sound polite . she sounds affronted . 'coral , you need to stop bothering him . ' i need to make myself clear here , seeming as jesse has suddenly grown a conscience . 'ava , is n't it ? ' i 'm not sure i like her tone . i try to maintain my evenness , but i have no idea where this conversation is leading and it 's making me incredibly nervous . 'ava , he 'll make you need him , then abandon you . walk away while you still can . ' i stand with jesse 's phone still suspended at my ear , my eyes darting around the kitchen , my mind swamped again . and he would never let me ; i do n't want to . i try to convince my brain that she is just envious , all of these women are jealous and slighted because jesse played them all off , used them and tossed them away when he was bored or finished with them . that 's the logical reason .	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they were also unobtrusive , but no one would get to either rona or the kid . joey benjamin might have a little money behind him , but after all his years of working in vegas , leo was n't intimidated by a little money . chapter nine a musty smell and the sound of flutes , drums , and chanting greeted lainie as she walked into the crimson canyons lobby . she was pretty sure this used to be the living room of what had apparently been converted from a house to a sales office . posters featuring sedona 's red rocks were tacked on the wall with pushpins , and over the empty fireplace hung an indian rug that had been visited regularly by moths . other than a desk in one comer , the only furniture was a ripped naugahyde sofa and two mangy armchairs . a small tape recorder on the desk clicked off , having come to the end of the cassette providing the flute-and-drum background music . with surroundings like this , she was in no danger of being swept away by the ambiance . then again , there was harry , a huge part of the ambiance , a guy whose solid presence was really growing on her . she could tell she was getting to him , too . she had no doubt she could seduce him the minute they were truly alone . but she had a sneaking suspicion he did n't want to get permanently mixed up with a dancer . so if she had sex with him , she had to be clear in her mind why she was doing it . curiosity , partly . sexual deprivation , mostly . vibrators were a poor substitute for the real deal . she 'd also have to forget the thrill of pleasure he 'd given her when he 'd slipped the ring on her finger . it could have been a special moment if he 'd wanted to make it into one . quite definitely he had n't wanted to . 'nuff said on that score . harry leaned toward her . `` we do n't have to stay . `` no , it 'll be fine . '' lainie was n't about to have harry spend money on a hotel room when this one came free . besides , they 'd promised rona they 'd check the place out . maybe it was a diamond in the rough . `` seriously , this is shaping up to be a disaster . i think we could find a better- '' `` is there something i can do for you ? '' a middle-aged woman in a long skirt and oversized sweater came into the room . her name tag read `` thalia jenson . '' `` we 're rona and fred ambrewster , '' lainie said before harry could open his mouth . `` we called earlier about an appointment to discuss a time-share . '' `` resort and vacation ownership , '' thalia corrected gently . if you 'll come this way , we 'll get you registered for the room and i 'll notify dudley that you 've arrived . '' she went over to the desk in the corner , sat down and picked up the phone . as she punched in a number , presumably to contact their salesman dudley , harry turned to lainie . `` you know , i really do think- '' `` come on , fred . '' lainie took him by the arm . `` we agreed to take the tour , so let 's get on with it . '' harry lowered his voice and leaned closer to her . `` but what if the units look like this ? '' `` we 'll cross that bridge when we come to it , '' she said under her breath . `` and i 'm sure they 're an improvement . '' harry rolled his eyes . `` anything would be an improvement , '' he muttered , but he walked with her over to the desk . thalia hung up the phone and smiled at them . `` dudley 's on his way . '' then she powered up her ancient desktop computer . `` your stay will be complimentary for two nights , and i just need a credit card for any extra charges you might make . '' lainie wondered if there would be any question about names as harry handed over his card . but as rona had predicted , thalia keyed in the number without giving it a second glance . after thanking harry and returning his card , she gave him two metal door keys and a crudely drawn map of the premises . a big red x was on one of the numbered units . then she laid out name tags , sharpie pens , and a tour registration form . `` if you 'll fill these out , i 'm sure dudley will be here any minute . '' harry started printing h-a-r with the sharpie . lainie noticed and clapped a hand over the name tag , getting a palm full of ink for her troubles . maybe seeing those keys to the room they 'd be sharing had messed with his concentration .	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if that trust had been missing , they still would have had sex . but if he 'd won her on sexual magnetism alone , he would have felt more like a seducer than a lover . her soft breath caressed his face , and he closed his eyes to better enjoy being surrounded by her body and her scent . `` you look happy , '' she murmured . `` i ca n't imagine being happier . '' rising up a fraction , she settled back down while holding his gaze . then she tightened around him . the easy friction and brief squeeze sent shock waves through his system . he stroked her hps and thighs . `` you can do that again if you want . '' bracing her hands on his shoulders , she initiated a slow rhythm , all the while keeping her attention on his face . his hands loosely bracketed her hps because he loved feeling her move beneath his fingertips , but he did n't want to control those movements . he wanted her to direct the action . he suspected when she was finished with this directing job , he 'd want to give her an oscar for it . instead of pumping up and down , she rotated her pelvis . it was a wonder his eyes did n't roll back in his head . they might have except he was concentrating on watching her eyes , which had become heavy-lidded with banked passion . under her shirt , her brsts quivered with her rapid breathing . when she complied , he pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it away . one flick of his fingers unhooked the back fastening of her bra , and that was quickly gone , too . he put his arms up and she yanked off his t-shirt . then she flattened her palms against his chest . he realized at that moment that although he 'd touched her quite a bit , she had n't spent much time touching him . and he liked the way she touched him . continuing to gently rotate her hips , she massaged his pecs , and the combination was more erotic than he ever would have believed . when she paused to pinch his nples , he clenched his jaw against the sudden urge to come . his voice sounded strained , not at all resembling the smooth talker that he liked to think he was , especially in situations like this . clutching his shoulders , she went back to the easy pumping action that made her brsts quiver . he cradled one in each large hand and gripped firmly enough to hold them still while he brushed his thumbs over her tight nples . easing down so that she took him in right up to the hilt , she closed her eyes and let her head roll back . then she tightened her pelvic muscles again , squeezing his cck in a delicious , repetitive motion . `` that 's going to make me come . '' she lifted her head to gaze at him . her lips were parted and her breathing was ragged . but before i do , i 'm ready for some speed . '' his heartbeat thumped in his ears and his chest tightened in anticipation . her eyes blazed hot as she began to move faster , and faster yet , until her thighs slapped against his and the hoarse sounds of their breathing filled the cave . he struggled to hold back his clix , but she was riding him with wicked intent , massaging his aching cck from one end to the other , until ... oh , god ... he was losing the fight . coming ... he was coming , and miracle of miracles , so was she . with a shout of triumph , she dug her fingers into his shoulders and milked him with her contractions . they held on to each other and gasped for breath . he was convinced that leaning against her was the only thing holding him up , and vice versa . his mind spun in crazy circles of delight and he wondered if his body was shooting off sparks . he 'd thought they 'd be good together , but he 'd underestimated . they were spectacular together . after all his pushing to get to this point , she 'd taken the lead and given him the best cli*x of his life . sexually , they were perfectly matched . he 'd foolishly thought that once would be enough . it should have been enough , considering how tired they both were . maybe it was enough for her . if so , he should be a gentleman and let her go to sleep . he should be grateful for what he 'd enjoyed and not expect more . he should-she was nibbling his ear . that did n't seem like the action of a woman who was ready to pack it in . then again , he did n't know how she reacted after mutual sexual satisfaction . maybe ear-nibbling was her way of winding down . her breath warmed the damp spot on his ear . `` yes , abby ? '' `` could i talk you into doing this again ? '' he smiled , and right on cue , his cck began to thicken . `` you know , i think you might be able to . 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relief shone once again in her gaze and she sagged against the pillows . `` it 's over , '' she said softly . he kissed her again and then captured her hand once more , squeezing . nicked a lung but missed his heart . prognosis is good but we 'll know more when he 's out of surgery . '' `` he saved my life , '' she murmured . i owe the bastard now . but it 's a debt i 'll gladly pay . and you saved mine , maren . it was the most foolish thing you 've ever done . god , when i saw you fall out of the helicopter with him , i died a thousand deaths . you ca n't imagine what that did to me . swear to god , if you ever pull a stunt like that again , i 'll tie you to my bed and never let you leave the house . '' she smiled and laced her fingers through his . `` that 's not exactly a punishment , you know . '' he relaxed and moved in closer , just wanting to be nearer to her . he stroked her hair , caressed her face , reassuring himself that she was here , alive . she was his , and he was damn sure never going to let her go . maren turned in the direction of her mother 's voice , and then suddenly diana flew to the bed and steele moved away so she could be on maren 's uninjured side . `` oh my baby , thank god , you 're all right . '' diana enfolded maren in a hug the best she could without jostling her bound shoulder . tears ran freely down diana 's face as she and maren wept together , holding on to one another as if they 'd never let go . `` i 'm so glad you and dad are okay , '' maren choked out . `` i would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you because of me . '' `` shhhh , do n't say that . you 're not to blame for that maniac 's doings . he ca n't ever hurt you again . '' `` when can i see dad ? '' maren asked anxiously . diana smiled ruefully . `` if he has his way , he 'll be here as soon as humanly possible . he 's had the entire floor in an uproar . he 's a terrible patient . he 's telling the nurses how to do their job . he questioned the credentials of the doctor in charge of your care . he 's bruised and banged up , but nothing serious . nothing that wo n't heal in a week or so . '' `` thank god , '' maren whispered fervently . diana squeezed her again . `` your young man has sat at your bedside when he very much needs to be in a hospital bed himself . he 's in far worse shape than your father and they 've admitted him . but steele refused anything beyond cursory treatment in the er because he could n't wait to get to you . '' maren looked beyond her mother and found steele 's gaze , love and a watery sheen shining in her eyes . `` he 's a good man , '' diana said . `` you chose well , maren . he 'll protect you and your child with his life . a mother ca n't ask for more than that for her daughter . '' `` i know , '' maren said softly , her gaze still locked with steele 's . diana pulled away and then glanced at steele , understanding in her eyes . `` i 'm going to go back and check on your father . maybe he 'll calm down now that you 're awake and i can tell him you 're doing just fine . '' maren squeezed her mother 's hand . tell dad i love him and that i 'll see him soon . '' diana leaned down to kiss maren 's cheek and then she turned and to steele 's surprise and befuddlement , she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly before going up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek . `` take care of my baby , '' she said fiercely . `` never doubt it , '' steele said in a grave tone . diana turned back to smile at maren and then left the room . `` when can we do the sonogram ? '' `` i 'll go tell the nurse you 're awake . i knew you 'd want to see the baby as soon as you woke , so i made sure they had the portable sonogram moved to the floor . i 'll go get her now so she can page the sonogram tech , and then you and i will meet our child . chapter 42 maren lay in the hospital bed , steele standing at her side , his fingers laced tightly with hers as the sonogram tech pressed the wand to her belly . `` want to find out what you 're having while i 'm poking around ? '' maren automatically looked up to steele , a silent question in her eyes .	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he glanced at the bed where he and amanda had positively the best sex of his life . his aging dog lay there now , sleeping with his nose tucked into his paws . you might be sleeping on the sofa on certain nights , bernie . she hasnt said a peep about my gift yet . russs mobile rang , as if on cue . he nearly fell off the ladder trying to get to it , certain it would be amanda . hey , ms. kushinski . ive gotten gifts from men in the past , but never a bouquet of flowers with a bra in the middle . luv it . i pointed to a woman in the store whose boobs reminded me of yours . not too big , but not skimpy either . he remembered how soft they were . will you wear it next time were together ? he held his breath , knowing he might be pushing her . after the briefest pause she said . he pictured her in the blue satin bra hed bought her . but , russ , please remember what i told you . he knew darn well what she meant , but wanted her to struggle with it , maybe even say something different . about me not wanting to get involved . if things develop , so be it , but i dont know if i ever again want a man to be a priority in my life . im just trying to have some fun . he could tell she knew he was lying . finally she said , me , too . so , how about dinner tonight ? russ , youre moving too fast for me . besides , im way too busy right now . hey , im a fisherman . patience is in my blood . amanda breathed a soft chuckle . once the store is open youll have to show me more about this mysterious lifestyle of yours . thanks for being such a sweetheart . see you at the opening saturday ? * parker nearly froze his butt off clearing debris and setting flagstone for the new herb garden he would plant this spring for mrs. gentilliano . yesterday , hed pushed himself to finish a job for the melmans and raced through his repairs of the snowplow attachment on his truck just so his whole saturday could be spent here . even though he knew that kiss tanya had given him last week was a one-time lark solely for her entertainment , he couldnt deny the part of him that hoped he was wrong . all day he kept an eye out for her , but he was beginning to think shed stayed in the city this weekend . or else she was somewhere in their sixteen room house spying on him . or ignoring him . parker hated the way she crept into his mind every minute of the day and night . he had way more important things to think about . but hed been obsessed with her since he was fourteen and didnt know if hed ever get over it . his work done , the sky darkening to dusk , parker loaded his equipment into the back of his 4x4 and took off . he had to pick up his sisters at amandas store . casey was working at the opening party , but amanda okayed her bringing jenna along . they left their mom home to take care of dad and to have some private time with her husband . she sounded sober when he last checked in . parker just hoped she managed to stay that way . the driveway of past perfect was filled with cars . old fifties rock blared through the windows . casey had said shed be finished by five , but the party didnt look anywhere near over . he hated leaving his truck for long with all his equipment in it . if he managed to keep the business going he might have to invest in a van at some point . parker strode up to the front door and slipped into the crowded entrance . he scanned the room looking for casey , but his gaze fell on honey-colored hair . in a burgundy dress that showed off her tiny waist and soft curves . she must have sensed someones eyes on her because she turned and saw him . but instead of a greeting or a smile , she pursed her lips , lifted her chin and turned her head away . he almost wanted to leave , but forced himself to wade through the party , his jaw tense . tanya always managed to make parker feel ashamed of who he was . why did he let her get to him ? russ patted his shoulder . how about a glass of wine ? no , thanks , russ . im just here to pick up my sisters . take a little time for yourself . parker knew russ meant well , but he wanted to get out of there as fast as possible . aside from tanya looking down her nose at him , he was worried about things at home . where is casey ? russ pointed with his chin , and parker saw people dancing in an open area that had obviously been cleared for that purpose . casey was dancing with jenna , shaking and shimmying to tutti frutti . amanda approached them . hello , parker . remember me from the paint store ? the sunflower yellow looks good .	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because he 'd patted her ass ? `` i usually do n't . a pack lasts me a month or longer . i end up throwing most of them away because they 've gone stale . '' she started to ask him why he 'd been smoking last night if he did n't normally smoke any more than that but held the words back . she did n't want to pester him with personal questions the way she had when she was a kid . he 'd had a lot of patience with her , but now she knew that she 'd been a bother to him . instead she quietly went upstairs to change clothes , and her heart lifted as she did . an entire day to herself with nothing to do but ride ! webb must have called down to the stable , because loyal was waiting with two horses already saddled . roanna gave him a shocked look . she 'd always taken care of her own horse from the time she 'd been big enough to lift a saddle . `` i would have saddled him myself , '' she protested . loyal grinned at her . `` i know you would , but i thought i 'd save you some time . you do n't get to ride nearly enough , so i wanted you to have a few extra minutes . '' buckley , her old favorite , was fifteen years old now , and she rode him only on more leisurely trails , over easy terrain . the horse loyal had chosen for her today was a sturdy bay , not a streak of lightning , but with legs like iron and a lot of stamina . webb 's horse , she noticed , had much the same characteristics . loyal evidently figured they were going out for more than a sunday trot . webb came out of one of the stalls where he 'd been patting the inhabitant , a frisky yearling who had gotten into rough play with some other yearlings and a kick had opened up a cut on his leg . `` your salve still works magic , '' he said to loyal . `` that cut looks like it 's a week old instead of just two days . '' he took the reins from loyal , and they swung into their saddles . roanna felt her body change , the old magic sweeping over her muscles the way it always had . instinctively she aligned herself with the horse 's rhythm from the first step he took , his strength flowing upward into her lithe , graceful limbs . webb held his horse a pace back from hers , mainly for the pleasure of watching her , she was the best rider he 'd ever seen , period . his own horsemanship was of the quality that , had he had the desire , he could have competed successfully in either of the opposing equestrian poles , show jumping or rodeo , but roanna was better . sometimes , every decade or so , there would be an athlete on the scene whose grace of movement transcended the sport , turning every meet , game , or competition into a work of art , and that was what it was like to watch roanna ride . even when the pace was easy , as it was now , and they were riding simply for the pleasure of it , her body was fluid as she adjusted to and controlled every nuance of the animal 's motion beneath her . would she look like that if she were riding him ? webb 's breath caught . would her sleek thighs tighten and relax , lifting her , then letting her slide down onto his erection , so that she enveloped him with one smooth motion while her torso moved in that graceful sway he cut the thought off as blood rushed to his loins , and he shifted uncomfortably . getting a hard-on while horseback 249 riding was n't a good idea , but it was difficult to dispel the image . every time he looked at her he saw the curve of her buttocks , and he remembered touching them , caressing her , driving deep and hard , and coming inside her with a force that made him feel as if he were exploding . he was going to do himself a serious injury if he did n't stop thinking about it . he wiped the beads of sweat from his brow and deliberately wrenched his gaze away from her bottom . he looked instead at the trees , the horse 's ears , anything except her , until his erection had subsided and he was comfortable again . roanna was so often silent anyway , and now she seemed totally absorbed in the pleasure of the ride and he did n't want to disturb her . he enjoyed the freedom himself . he 'd been working almost from the minute he set foot back on davencourt land , and he had n't taken the time to acclimate himself . his eyes were accustomed to stark , dramatic mountains and an endless sweep of sky , to cactus and scrub bushes , to clouds of dust and air so clear you could see for fifty miles . he was used to dry , searing heat , to arroyos that would abruptly flood from a rain the day before , far upstream .	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he should never have brought suzy ; he knew how vicious reva could be . oh yeah , bring the woman you love to meet the woman you used as a replacement for her . greatttt idea buddy . is this the best that a successful businessman can come up with ? he stopped to brush a kiss across suzy 's lips before he opened the door for her . sorin 's pub was an upscale bar in the battery district that was popular with the locals . it was n't so loud that you could n't talk , but was loud enough to offer a certain amount of camouflage when you did n't want to be overheard . gray quickly scanned the tables looking for reva . just when he thought they must have made it before her , he spotted her sitting at a table in the corner anxiously scanning the crowd . reva had n't seen him yet since suzy was partially blocking his body . as they approached her table , she finally saw him . she looked at suzy in annoyance , obviously thinking she was trying to pick gray up . her annoyance turned to confusion at the possessive arm that gray placed around suzy 's shoulders as they stopped at her table . `` reva , thanks for meeting us . this is suzanna , my girlfriend . '' shock crossed reva 's face followed by a look that made him cringe . reva pushed her chair back from the table and gray felt suzy tense and the world tilt under his feet . reva extended a hand towards suzy and said , `` well what a surprise , i 'm reva , the mother of his unborn child . '' all eyes dropped to the hand she laid against her swollen stomach . how long they all stood there he 'd no idea . `` reva , what in the hell is going on ? '' gray realized they were all still standing and starting to get some curious looks . he pulled out a chair for suzy and propped her crutches against the wall . reva made a big production of settling back into her chair . he took suzy 's cold fingers under the table , trying to offer her some reassurance that he was far from feeling . with probably what gray felt was one of her best performances to date , reva promptly began to sniffle . `` i ... i 'm so..rry , gray . '' with another sniffle , she continued , `` i wanted to tell you sooner , but i could n't get you to see me . i just did n't know what to do . '' gray felt like his tongue was lodged in his throat . he was surprised he was n't choking on it . beside of him , suzy sat unmoving , as if in shock . hell , he was in shock , too . he cleared his throat , carefully choosing his words . `` reva , you have called and texted me daily for months . you have left letters and god knows what else behind for me and you have also been calling nick . granted i stopped reading most of the stuff , but i 'm willing to bet there was no mention of a baby in them . now suddenly you 're sitting here in front of me in full maternity glory ? more tears followed his questions and he had a bad feeling that suzy thought he was some type of insensitive bastard for badgering a pregnant woman . she 'd no idea what he 'd been subjected to since meeting reva . he doubted there was a day in her life that she was n't planning some sort of scheme . with another sniffle , reva said , `` i did n't say anything because i did n't want you to feel like i was trying to trap you . i ... i know you do n't care anything about me . it was always her was n't it ? '' reva finished miserably . `` reva , we only had sex once and i used a condom so there is no way your baby is mine . '' suzy suddenly pushed her chair back and stood . before she averted her eyes , gray could see the tears shimmering in their depths . his gut clenched and his heart raced as he felt her slipping away from him . `` you both need time to talk and i do n't need to be here for it . i 'm going to catch a cab back . '' suzy was already reaching for her crutches . `` no you are n't , give me just a minute and we will leave . '' `` gray , let me go , '' suzy pleaded . she had to get out of here before she exploded . at that moment , she could n't stand the thought of being in the close confines of gray 's car with him . she knew if she were ever going to get out of here without him following her , she had to put his mind at ease . forcing herself to give him a smile , she said , `` just stay and finish up , i 'll be fine . i 'll see you back at condo . you know there are cabs out front so i wo n't have any problem getting one . 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tara could picture herself bound helplessly to his bed while he tormented her body slowly , mercilessly , until she begged him to fill her anywhere , everywhere . today , she understood his need for a gentler approach . they were mutually acknowledging not only pleasure , but the bond of their love for one another . every touch felt profound . with firm , slow strokes , he thrust his fingers deeper into her backside , spreading tender kisses across her back . `` how 's that , cherry ? '' she whimpered at those thick fingers inside her . she felt invaded and somehow conquered-yet still loved . logan was opening her up to one of the most intimate acts possible , yet with every word and deed , he treated her with care , mindful of her pleasure and pain . and there was a bit of both that blended together to saturate her with startling pleasure . `` when i get inside you , it 's going to sting , maybe even hurt a bit . '' `` i want to give myself to you , please you . '' logan leaned across her back , wrapping his arm around her to caress her belly . `` the beautiful submissive i 've always wanted inside the perfect woman i 'll always love . i feel humbled . '' bliss exploded through her heart , then magnified as he glided his hand down her belly , settling it possessively over her mound . as one of his fingers slid between her slick folds , grazing her clit , tara eased her head back on a slow groan . logan dropped his chin over her shoulder until they touched cheek to cheek . the rough coolness against the fever heating hers flared more need inside her , spinning a heavy ache all through her blood . she arched , melting into him . `` i feel so desired , '' she whispered . with a gentle withdrawal , logan removed his fingers from her backside , then spread more lube over the tender area . he disappeared for a moment , and tara listened to the sounds he made around the room-the opening of a drawer , then ripping of cardboard , the clink of plastic . vaguely , she wondered what he was doing , then decided it did n't matter . whatever he did was for her greater pleasure , their heartfelt connection . eyes still closed , she smiled as he made his way back to the bed and the mattress behind her dipped under his weight . `` you are desired , cherry . he aligned himself behind her , hand curled around her hip , and fit the bulbous head of his cck against her rosette . a gasp replaced her reply as he eased into her , one slow torturous inch at a time . her flesh stretched . the burn returned . logan was not just longer , but thicker , and he paused when the tight ring of muscle there resisted his entry . `` you 're going to be okay , baby . take a deep breath for me . now arch your back and push out . '' she did so as he used his hands to spread her cheeks apart , opening her even wider just for him . as he pushed forward , she braced herself , willing him past the constriction to fill her deep . `` damn , this is so ... '' he groaned . `` fuck , you 're so tight . the sight of you taking me here is killing me . relax for me a bit more . keep pushing out . the sound was a long moan . then with a last push that flared her full of searing pain , he slid past the fist-tight muscles and sank inside her . a whole new explosion of sensations opened up to her , the deeper he sank . the burning no longer lit her skin , but fired her muscles , igniting her very core . having him in her psy was always a pleasure that she could barely put into words , but this felt somehow more intimate , their connection so wordless yet absolute . everything about the hushed whisper of sheets blending with their mutual moans , in rhythm to their slow , synchronized thrusts felt sacred . finally , logan slid completely home and wrapped one arm tightly around her , as if he never wanted to let go . `` we 'll take our time because i 'd never want to hurt you . i do n't know how long i can hold out against this kind of pleasure , but i want you to feel utterly filled and fulfilled . so i need you to take everything i want to give you , cherry . '' he flexed his hips , pressing in just a bit deeper , making her gasp . making her need even more . `` i will , logan , '' she gasped . `` thank you for your trust . spread your legs a bit wider . suddenly , something cool and slick probed at the entrance to her psy , then forged inside , up , up , up , filling her until she thought she 'd burst . then a buzzing sounded between them-and massaged every nerve lining the walls of her p*sy . with logan in her ass , her sex had less space to accommodate the vibrator , and tara felt every twitch of both toy and man .	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max and rooster are leaving tomorrow , and so are we . '' `` count me out on dinner , '' ruth said . `` i 'm exhausted and we 've got a full day coming up . '' `` i 'll go with grandma , '' annie said , as if she was glad of an excuse to escape . `` we 'll just get room service . '' `` you two are on your own , '' rooster said as the three of them strolled over to the elevator a few minutes later . max looked at bethanne . `` maybe we should say our goodbyes now , as well . '' he hesitated , then nodded slowly . they found a vacant table in the lounge , and bethanne studied the wine list . for the first time it felt awkward between them , as though they both feared what would happen next . in the morning they 'd go their separate ways , and after that-she did n't know . they each ordered a glass of red wine , an australian shiraz , which was promptly delivered . bethanne gazed down at her wine , hardly noticing its rich ruby color . `` i have to be in california next week . i do n't have a choice about that , '' max said . max 's hand closed over hers . `` my brother 's handled the business ever since kate died . it 's time i went back . '' `` you 're really going home ? '' max gave her a lopsided grin . `` luke was beginning to think i was never going to return . a lot has changed in the past three years-in the business , in his life , in mine . i 'm ready now , only i did n't realize it until a few days ago . until ... you . '' `` you 'll go on to florida , and we 'll connect again later this summer . if that 's what you decide . '' bethanne started to say that was too long to wait . `` no , you need to be with ruth and annie , with your son and his bride . with grant . '' bethanne opened her mouth to protest , but again he stopped her . `` make no mistake , i 'd welcome the opportunity to explore where this relationship will take us , but i have things i need to attend to and so do you . '' his expression was determined . `` while you 're in florida , you and grant will have the chance to work this out-or not . until you do , i 'll stay out of your life . i 'll abide by whatever decision you make . '' `` what if ... what if grant and i do n't get back together ? '' `` you 'll come to seattle ? '' `` i 'll come wherever you are . all you have to do is contact me . '' it sounded risky to bethanne , scary , especially when she was n't sure of her own mind . she wanted max to convince her they were meant to be together . she wanted him to fight for her . `` i do n't like this , '' she confessed . `` bethanne , we 're both high on emotion . '' his hand cupped her cheek as if he felt the need to touch her , to hold on to her as long as he could . they finished their wine , then returned to the front porch and sat in the swing , max 's arm possessively around her . she rested her head on his shoulder , closing her eyes . she wanted to keep these feelings with her forever . part of her wanted to argue with him , say she 'd already made up her mind . twenty years with grant could n't be easily shoved aside or forgotten . max was right ; they were high on emotion , on discovery . what they shared was fresh and new . their feelings for each other had yet to be tested . all she had were these few days with max . seven days that had indelibly marked her . but could it be more than just a memory , significant though that memory was ? max escorted her to her room and kissed her good-night . bethanne felt an urge to weep-but this time for reasons she understood far too well . twenty-two the next morning annie was up at five-thirty , eager to hit the road . she turned on the bedside lamp and studied the road map . the day before had been a dead bore . although she 'd spent most of her time wandering from store to store and had even bought a few things , she 'd grown tired of that . the most interesting part of the day had been breakfast with her grandmother and rooster . he seemed intent on letting them both know what a great guy max was . she 'd had some serious doubts about this biker . to all outward appearances , he was little more than a drifter . her mother had hinted at the fact that max owned a wine distribution business but she had n't said much . annie was convinced it was because her mother did n't know much .	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`` but a distiller ? trying to get kids hooked while they 're young ? it 's not enough that people abuse alcohol as adults ? '' he emitted an impatient sound . `` look , contrary to what you think about us , hensley 's is n't some monster intent on turning the world 's inhabitants into a bunch of drunks , all right ? we 're regular contributors to a variety of local charities . virtually all corporations are . we give money to support the arts , education and the beautification of the city . we even contribute regularly to madd . why is that so hard for you to believe ? '' she scrunched up her shoulders and let them drop , suddenly feeling silly for speaking . it 's just that the boys and girls clubs of kentuckiana seems an unlikely choice for hensley 's , that 's all . '' his expression hardened as he spoke . `` mrs. ivory , if we ca n't get to at-risk kids when they 're young , then they 're goners . '' he dropped his gaze back into his drink , but only swirled the liquor around in the glass . `` let 's just say i 've seen one or two people get into trouble in their lives , trouble they could have avoided if someone had just taken half an interest in them when they were kids . '' faith could n't imagine how someone like holt mcclellan would understand about such things . he 'd grown up wealthy and wanted , privileged and pampered . what could he possibly know about the lives of troubled kids ? `` well ... '' she tried again . but she had no idea what to say . he seemed to detect her uneasiness , because he glanced up at her again and smiled reassuringly . i did n't mean for that to sound the way it did . this is just something i feel rather strongly about . `` let me take you to dinner tomorrow night . '' immediately , she shook her head . `` thank you , but i have plans , '' she replied , the lie rolling effortlessly off her lips . it was her stock-in-trade answer , one she invariably invoked whenever anyone asked her out . `` later in the week , then , '' he said . `` friday maybe ? '' thank you , anyway . '' he met her gaze pointedly . `` is it that you ca n't , or that you wo n't ? '' she shook her head more adamantly . he nodded , but seemed no more convinced of the truthfulness of her response than she was herself . for a moment , she almost backpedaled , almost told him she 'd be more than happy to alter her plans , change her schedule , rearrange her entire life , anything to spend a little time with him . fortunately , she was n't so far gone that she would do something as foolish as that . a few more minutes in his presence , however , and she was n't sure she could be held responsible for much of anything she did . `` i have to go , '' she said suddenly . he did n't seem surprised by her admission , but he asked , `` so soon ? the evening just started . i think the mayor 's going to make a presentation of some kind . '' `` i know , ... but , um ... '' `` but what ? '' she scrambled for an excuse . `` i forgot to feed my cat . '' some excuse , she chastised herself . she did n't evenhave a cat . `` okay , mrs. ivory , '' holt said softly . he only inhaled a deep breath and released it slowly . `` where are you parked ? if i 've managed to chase you off , then the least i can do is walk you to your car . '' ignoring the part about him chasing her off , she replied , `` thank you , but that wo n't be necessary . she had , after all , been fine on her own for six months now , right ? well , except for that big gaping wound inside her that nothing seemed capable of healing . oh , but , hey , other than that ... i wo n't let you leave here alone . it 's not safe this time of night . did you check your coat ? '' he obviously was n't going to be put off by her objections , and a quick glance around told her no one else was available for her to draft as an escort . so she opened her little black cocktail purse and extracted her coat check , handing it to him without comment . `` i 'll just be a minute , '' he said . would but that were true . unfortunately , faith was pretty sure that even if she never saw him again , it would be quite some time before holt mcclellan left her completely . as she watched him go , she tried not to linger too long on the broad shoulders that strained against his tuxedo jacket , or on the long legs that cut a swath easily through the packed room , or the blond head that passed well above the crowd .	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there had been some issues with one thing and another that had had him running around for a couple of weeks like the proverbial chicken without a head , but things were calming down again and leaving him with some breathing room . that would normally have been a good thing . since even in the midst of his most chaotic days , he had still managed to find time to miss claudia and their coffee and conversation habit ( he had most definitely not been moping as abby had accused ) , the extra time now that things were leveling out was only going to give him more time to miss those evenings ( miss them , not mope about them ) . tonight though , he was distracted from the fact that he should be seeing claudia soon by the necessity of trying to keep an increasingly fidgety keely from coming apart at the seams . they were in a small office that they had been offered the use of until it was time to find their seats by a thoughtful worker who had noticed him trying to keep his sister from going into a full blown panic attack . you need to breathe , he told her for what felt like the seventh time in ten minutes . it did not do any more good than it had the last six times . she was pacing back and forth despite the restrictions of both the lack of space in the office and the dress that she was wearing . it was a deep blue with just a touch of shine in it that glinted at him whenever she spun around . he thought she looked very nice , but she was too nerve wracked to take the compliment . why did i do this , ian ? she asked the first words that she had addressed to him since they had entered the room . why did i think that i could do this ? because you can , he told her putting out a hand to stop her pacing . look at me , keel , its already done . you wrote something beautiful for abby and rusty , and its going to be something beautiful for a lot of other people tonight . he gave her a warning look . you arent going to throw up on me tonight , are you ? she broke out of her nerves enough to frown at him at that . i havent done that since i was four , she chided . it was your first recital , he reminded her . this is your first opening night for a musical . i figure that they are comparable events . okay , she told him with an eye roll . ill stop freaking out , and i wont throw up on you . thats what i wanted to hear , he grinned at her . can we go find abby now ? and claudia , she told him with a smile that told him she was about to pay him back for the comment about her throwing up . shes sitting next to you , she declared . then , maybe youll actually enjoy the evening instead of fretting over me the whole time . im the big brother ; fretting is part of my job . but , she prompted , you will have a better time once you arent having claudia withdraw anymore . im not having withdraw , he insisted before cowering a bit under the look she was giving him . okay , i have missed her being around , but that is hardly the same thing as suffering from withdraw . his sister shook her head at him , but she was not panicking any longer . that being the case , ian was comfortable with the knowledge that he had accomplished his goal -- if he could be as confidant that his soon to occur meeting with claudia would go as smoothly , he would have felt a lot better about the entire evening . abby and rusty were waiting for them in the lobby . it would have been nearly impossible to miss them in what was becoming a bit of a crowd for the simple reason that almost everyone who entered the room found their eyes drawn to his cousin without being able to help themselves . she was wearing a dress that stood out as a bright spot of color in a sea of far more subdued hues . coral was the name she had given it when she had insisted on showing it to him on her way home from picking it up a few days before . it still , he figured , technically counted as her signature pink even though there was a hefty amount of orange mixed in with it . he did not care enough to try to figure out what exactly the color combination consisted of ; he just knew that the overall effect was very , very bright . abby had seemed to read the thought off of his face that day in his office and without any prompting on his part had told him keely will want to fade into the background -- i thought i would indulge her . it made sense , in an abby sort of way , he decided as he watched peoples eyes merely skim over his better but still nervous sister in her subdued dark blue . he had to admit that abby knew exactly what she was doing on far more occasions than those on which most people ( himself included ) gave her credit . standing talking quietly to rusty ( as abby busied herself smiling and nodding in response to each curious eye that turned her way ) was claudia . he felt his heart do a little jolt as it finally hit home that he was actually seeing her again .	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she gently smoothed her hand across the exquisite carving of the antique dressing table . it was very similar , if not exactly like the one the girl sat while writing in her journal . caroline winced as she caught sight of her reflection in the attached mirror . `` ugh , geez . i look like death warmed over . '' she fluffed her hair and bent forward to get a closer look as she licked her fingers to wipe away the smudged mascara that had streaked down her cheeks with the waterfall of tears . once she was presentable she straightened up and smoothed her clothes . caroline caught a whiff of a feminine fragrance . strong , as if the person who wore it stood right behind her . she noticed an antique perfume bottle placed near the base of the mirror . she shook her head , ignoring the goosebumps that now covered her skin , and picked up the delicate glass bottle , turning it in her hands to inspect the intricate design . this must have once been a very expensive perfume , she thought . `` just a coincidence , '' caroline reminded herself . she sniffed the bottle , but could n't smell anything . caroline 's brow creased . certain she 'd smelled women 's perfume , now she knew she was losing her mind . she sniffed it again to confirm . it must be too old to have a smell anymore . she carefully put it back where she 'd gotten it and set her purse on the antique dressing table next to a large , ornate jewelry box that looked as old as the rest of the furniture in this room . caroline wondered who it had once belonged to , but honestly did n't care . she 'd chosen it strictly out of curiosity if nothing else . it was beautiful , and she could n't wait to wake up in that canopy bed . it was every little girl 's fantasy to have a bed like that . hers included . she hesitantly left her chosen quarters to head down the stairs . the connection she felt to a room in a house she 'd never stepped foot in until today was surreal . she could n't help but feel the recurring young woman from her dreams needed her somehow . she wanted to find out everything she could about this place and her family heritage , and that room had enough character to practically speak for itself . caroline suspected there was a reason she 'd been having these dreams . she did n't know why , but her gut told her they were more than just dreams . she wished she could find the journal she 'd stumbled upon in one of them . it had made an appearance multiple times , so it had to be a key player if , in fact , these dreams meant anything at all . she may decide to stay longer than just the weekend to play detective for a while . she 'd made great progress with her father tonight , and believed they would someday have a strong relationship . for now , though , until she felt more comfortable with the whole situation , she would stick to the original plan to stay for just the weekend . she really wanted to explore the house to see if anything else familiar popped up , but she needed to pace herself . first , she needed to unload her car despite the rain and mud . she stopped short , taken aback when she saw all her bags neatly placed at the foot of the stairs . eddie , dad , had brought them all inside and was headed up the stairs with a couple as she came down . she had n't intended to bring all of them in considering she 'd only planned to stay a few days , but she did n't want to burst his bubble by telling him that now after he 'd braved the downpour to fetch them . i could have gotten them . '' `` do n't be ridiculous , it 's raining out , and i 've no intentions of making you do any manual labor in this house . '' `` aww , come on now , you 're gon na spoil me . '' she did n't object , though . she was dead on her feet after this long day and desperately wanted to wash up and sink into that fluffy bed . caroline smiled as she carried her small toiletries bag up to the room . .her room . five sunlight beamed through the window , shining brightly across the bed . caroline looked for a clock , but there was n't one . she patted around the nightstand until she found her cell phone . 6:04 . she tossed her phone down on the soft , fluffy bedspread . her eyes popped open when she remembered where she was . i 'm in louisiana ! after the long drive and the nerves , everything seemed foggy . she rubbed her dry , aching eyes , a result of the crying last night . as she lay there replaying everything that happened , her thoughts were interrupted by someone singing outside directly beneath her window . she rolled out of bed , nearly falling flat on her face . apparently the fatigue had officially caught up with her . freezing , she put on her robe and shuffled her stiff legs to the window . this was definitely the same window in her dreams .	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this causes laughter to bubble up in my throat . i touch one of my fingernails to refresh my concept of the shape . i trace the gentle curvature and imagine the moon . thanks , i tell him softly , pulling the blanket snug around my neck . im going to have to turn off the car now , he tells me . if i leave it running , the battery might die , and then wed be in a pickle . if you get too cold , let me know . nodding , i try to get comfortable . my legs are feeling a little frozen , so i bring them closer to my body . i wrap my arms around my middle , hugging myself . listening carefully , between the sounds of owens snoring , i hear liams teeth chattering . i suddenly feel awful for making him do this . i consider inviting him into the back seat again , and maybe moving close to him so that we can both keep warm . the idea makes me a bit nervous , but its the least i can do since i got us into this mess . as my shoulders begin to tremble violently , i acknowledge that having some body heat near to mine does not sound so terrible at the moment . liam , i whisper again . are you sure you dont want to ... halfway through my sentence , i realize he is asleep . i can hear the change in his breathing . i am saved from needing to ask an embarrassing question , and potentially getting into an even more embarrassing situation . as i drift off to sleep , i imagine countless snowflakes scattered over asphalt . its an enchanting image , and i might use it in a book someday . i can also picture the glowing fingernail of god , scratching the sky fondly , the way one might caress a sleeping pet . chapter 7 i must have dozed off for a few hours , when a piercing noise startles me awake . for a moment , im not sure where i am , or why theres hard plastic digging into my back and making my spine ache . i try to move , and find that my whole body feels frozen . when i hear a man groan , and another curse , i am reminded that i am in a vehicle with two strange young doctors . the high-pitched noise continues to drone on , and i realize that it is my cell phone . i reach down to my backpack and fumble to unzip it with my stiff fingers . the metal is cold and it makes me wince . answer it already ! owen says with sleepy annoyance . im trying , i say as i feel around for my phone . when my hand finally connects with the item , it takes me a few tries to answer . i finally say , bringing it close to my ear . my voice is hoarse and my hands are so cold that they hurt . when i breathe out , i can almost feel the cloud of water vapor hovering around my face . there is nothing on the other end of the line . the sound of soft crying filters into my ear . i say with concern , sitting straight up and at alert . she takes several deep breaths , trying to calm herself down . im getting married today . just relax , i command in a stern , take-charge voice . oh , helen . im just so stressed out . i was hoping youd show up last night . i thought youd be coming . yeah , i tell her , groaning and repositioning my sore body . liam has turned on the car to begin warming us up , but it hasnt started working yet . im on my way to you . i was living in new hampshire , so its a bit of a trip . thank goodness , carmen says , and her tears abate almost immediately . how long until you get here ? oh , im so glad youre coming home , hellie . i invited a bunch of great guys that i went to school with , so maybe i can introduce them to you , and one of them can be your date ! i say grouchily , blinking and rubbing my eyes . my vision might not work , but my eyes still feel gross after sleeping for a few hours . why do i need a date ? because youre my sister ! you cant be single at your sisters wedding . we need to find a handsome man for you to wear on your arm . theres this guy , bradi met him in a philosophy class , but now hes a copyright lawyer . hes very passionate about intellectual property . i figured that you two might have something in common , since he sort of works with books ? carmen , are you insane ? i say angrily , clutching my head . i dont want to date some douchebag lawyer . im coming to your wedding because i care about you , not because i want to get set up with random freaks . with your horrible taste in men ? brad is probably a closet serial-killer . hes a total sweetheart . in addition to being graysons best man , hes also so sexy ... no , i say firmly . carmen , do you hear me ?	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he 'd given his word before , standing in front of the minister at her family church ; he 'd promised to love and protect her , to remain faithful until death . she wished she could block out the doubt and tell him what he wanted to hear . it would be so easy to claim she trusted grant . so easy to assure him that the thought of his cheating again had never entered her mind . only , she 'd be lying . `` i believe you 're sincere , '' she said , not quite answering his question . `` you can trust me , bethanne . '' she smiled , hoping that would provide him with the reassurance he seemed to need . she tried to concentrate on their relationship , on giving them another chance . yet she could n't dismiss her feelings for max . but she was with grant , who so clearly loved her . grant placed his hand on her knee and bethanne smiled over at him again , a noncommittal smile . but she could n't give him the answer he was asking for , not now and maybe not ever . as she kept telling him , she was very different from the woman he 'd once loved ; the changes in her life had been dramatic . one thing was sure-she 'd meet this challenge the way she 'd met every other one in the past six years . when they boarded the plane without ruth , bethanne was afraid her mother-in-law would miss the flight . ruth was the last person to walk on , having waited outside security as long as she could in order to be with royce . when she settled into her seat next to bethanne , her face glowed with happiness . `` royce is booking his flight to seattle right this minute , '' she said , fastening her seat belt . `` so you 'll be together again soon . '' `` bethanne , '' she whispered , `` am i an old fool ? is it possible to fall in love again at my age ? '' `` ruth , good grief , you 're not old ! besides , age should n't matter . does royce make you happy ? '' `` oh , yes , but , well , there are complications . his family 's in florida and mine is in washington . '' `` your family 's grown , '' bethanne continued . `` you can come for visits and vice versa . '' `` my friends are in seattle . '' `` same goes for them . plus you 'll make new friends and reconnect with old ones . '' bethanne leaned over and squeezed her arm . `` do you love royce ? '' `` with all my heart , and he loves me . '' `` then you 'll work something out . '' ruth went very still . i think these weeks apart will be good for us . they 'll give us time to mull over some decisions . '' `` they will , '' bethanne agreed , although she hoped ruth would be more successful at reaching a conclusion than she 'd been . grant sat with annie across the aisle , and they had their heads close together almost the entire flight . more than once grant laughed out loud at something annie said , and she basked in her father 's approval . there was no sign of the angry , rebellious girl annie had been at sixteen . bethanne took the opportunity to knit , while ruth watched a movie . when they landed in seattle , andrew was waiting in baggage claim . bethanne 's spirits rose the instant she saw her son . `` andrew , '' she said , rushing forward . her six-foot-tall son threw his arms around her and lifted her from the ground . bethanne felt as though she 'd been away far longer than eighteen days . she wanted to unpack her suitcase the minute she stepped into the house and start a load of laundry . and then she 'd walk from room to room in a small private ritual she had , something she did whenever she 'd been traveling . she 'd touch all the things she loved the most , the objects and pictures and mementos that made this house her home , the one place on earth where she truly belonged and that belonged to her . `` i thought your father phoned and told you he was giving me a ride . '' bethanne slipped her arm around andrew 's waist . `` he did and i told him if he 'd ordered a car , he should take care of grandma and annie . i said i 'd drive you home . he did n't mention it ? '' but they 'd barely spoken once they arrived at the orlando airport . bethanne had bought a sudoku puzzle book and a couple of magazines after they 'd checked their luggage and gone through security . she 'd read the magazines while they waited at the gate , and on the plane he 'd sat with annie . as soon as they were airborne , bethanne had taken out her knitting and finished her project . grant hugged his son , too , and although andrew hugged him back , bethanne noticed a decided coolness in her son 's attitude toward his father .	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bethanne immediately looked away , then chided herself for being silly . but perhaps it was a natural reaction . it 'd been so long since she 'd made love , she could hardly even remember . `` do you miss ... '' she hesitated to say it aloud , so she leaned toward him and whispered . they both laughed as if it was the funniest thing they 'd heard in ages . `` really , '' she pressed . she could n't ask that question of anyone else , and it made her appreciate their friendship even more . they felt safe with each other ; safe in speaking honestly about their anger and pain . there was something healing in that kind of openness . `` how are things with annie and andrew ? '' he asked , deftly changing the subject . bethanne was on her second margarita , which she knew had loosened her inhibitions , probably past the point of decorum . `` i 've had some long conversations with annie since i learned she put sugar in tiffany 's gas tank . '' at first annie had tried to deny it , but when she broke down and admitted what she 'd done , they 'd clung to each other , bethanne 's heart breaking for her daughter . annie had agreed to see the therapist , and after two visits , felt she had a better perspective on the family 's situation and her own feelings . there 'd been several tearful discussions between mother and daughter . annie seemed better now , more like her old self , and bethanne sensed that her daughter could move forward , with or without her father . `` has grant had a chance to talk to annie ? '' bethanne had mentioned his most recent visit , although she 'd left out his inquiry about her relationship with paul . `` he phoned the house . '' `` i do n't know what he said , but annie was on and off the phone in about two minutes , so it could n't have been much of a conversation . '' `` from what i understand , the insurance paid for the damage to tiffany 's engine , '' paul told her . `` did she contact you ? '' bethanne asked . paul rarely mentioned his ex-wife . `` no , but our agent told me about it . it 's a good thing tiff continued the coverage for vandalism . '' she would n't put it past tiffany to have annie arrested ; even worse , she was n't sure grant would stand up for their daughter . yes , annie had been wrong and she needed to accept the consequences of her actions , but bethanne could n't bear the thought of her daughter being prosecuted . at the therapist 's suggestion , annie had written tiffany a letter of apology and bethanne hoped the matter would end there . the waitress came by , and bethanne ordered the fajita salad , while paul chose the chicken enchilada plate . he waited until she 'd left the table before resuming the conversation . `` how 's annie now ? '' `` she 's dealing with a lot , '' bethanne replied . `` she 's coming through it , though , and i think the worst is over , but it 's been a difficult time for her . '' `` she needs a friend , '' paul said . `` someone who really understands . '' `` i agree , but- '' bethanne stopped in midsentence . paul laughed softly . `` you 've got that look in your eye . '' bethanne sat back in her chair . `` she already has one . only , my daughter is a lot like her mother and is n't always aware of what 's right in front of her . '' `` you seem to be full of good news tonight , '' he teased . `` i 'm full of something , all right . '' suddenly she reached across the table and grabbed his hand . `` oh , my goodness , '' she cried , shocked into momentary silence . paul asked in concern . `` paul , i just realized that i 'm happy . i did n't think i 'd ever feel this way again , but i do . paul nodded thoughtfully . bethanne leaned toward him . `` has it happened for you yet ? '' `` be honest , '' she told him . `` not yet , '' he admitted with a faint smile , `` but i can feel it approaching . '' she felt better knowing that he was hopeful enough to anticipate the return of joy . `` seeing you makes me happy , '' he confessed . bethanne sipped her margarita and sighed . `` i think about you a lot , bethanne . about us both . '' she choked a little as she swallowed her drink . `` what would you think of the two of us dating ? '' she 'd never asked , but assumed she was older than paul , possibly by as much as ten years .	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`` my girl has always been a great baker and now this proves it . '' `` she 's an awesome pastry chef , '' heather chimed in . `` her cakes are awesome and then some ! '' `` thank you so much , heather . i appreciate all your support . '' the three exotic dancers were no longer animatedly bopping around . teagan looked nervously at her boss , as did the other two women . rocky stepped closer to yolanda and as she felt the sensation of winning engulfing her , he stepped over and shook her hand . the exuberant showman she 'd seen at the start of the taste-off had vanished , replaced by a man with a chilly demeanor . he leaned over and whispered in her ear , `` we know the shelter 's barely getting by . if it goes out of business i wo n't be violating any laws if we buy out the property . '' rocky bared his teeth and his eyes were flat and cold . an acrid tang emanated from himlike cheap cologne gone bad . nodding , she pulled away from the club owner . patrick had seen the exchange and furrowed his brow as her expression changed from elated to worried . *** around dusk , yolanda drove into her garage and unloaded the car . her two feline friends were eagerly awaiting her return , she received many figure eights wending around her ankles , and the purr meters on both of them registered in the upper volume level . `` hi miss chef . hi mr. whisker . hope you were well behaved today . we raised enough money for your shelter friends . '' the approving purrs were revved up along with some enthusiastic meows . '' she went to the cabinet to get their food and decided they both needed hard and soft dinners mixed up with her homemade cheddar cheese and chicken treats . yolanda set her purse on the counter , removed her cell phone , and checked for messages . zac still had n't called her . no emails , texts , or voicemails . he 'd known about the taste-off but she knew he was more concerned about his tournament , which lasted until five o'clock . she hit his stored number and got his standard voicemail message . `` hey zac , i hope you won the tournament today . good newsi won the taste-off and raised over $ 9,100 . she went out to the garage to get her cake stands and containers that needed washing . her father was right about the glass stands being dishwasher-safe . but only two were able to go in there and the others had to be hand washed along with the plastic storage containers . looking into the fridge , she didnt feel like cooking or even warming anything up . she saw a magnet for antonio 's pizzeria and decided to order a pizza and some garlic breadsticks . after placing her order , her phone rang and when she answered it she saw the screen read caller unknown . she went into the living room , sat down on the couch next to her two now-sleeping cats , and pondered her future . the donations the shelter had received today would temporarily help , that was true . but she knew there would always be more cats and kittens arriving at the shelter . she 'd won the taste-off but would she have to do it again ? if so , would she win ? what about her job there ? inputting cat descriptions on the website and cleaning litter boxes wasnt what she longed to do with her life . neither was earning a barely livable wage . working at a strip club office paid more as would just about any other office career but it was just as far from baking as her current job . what about working at another bakery ? having to be told what ingredients to use ? making the same cookies and cakes every day ? the doorbell rang and she grabbed a twenty-dollar bill from the drawer in the coffee table where she kept some money reserved for food deliveries . yolanda rushed over to the front door and looked out the peephole before opening it . bathed in the bright porch light wasnt the expected uniformed pizza delivery person . wearing his polo shirt and baggy khakis stood zac . he held a single red rose wrapped in cellophane in one hand and in the other was a large gold trophy cup . she smiled and yanked open the door . `` yo , sorry i was n't there to see you win . i was on my way over here and just got your text and want to congratulate you . i want you to know that i won the 25th annual green palms mini golf tournament today . '' zac proudly brandished the trophy with a golf figure in mid-putt posed on top of it . `` congratulations , zac ! '' she moved aside to let him enter the living room . he set the trophy down on the front hall table . as soon as she shut the door behind them , he swooped in for a kiss and she responded . he pulled her closer to him and in the foyer ; they stood kissing passionately .	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he had n't given a thought to justin since they 'd left him at geekland . but it was as good an excuse as any . `` i do n't think you have to be . gloria 's not really evil , and she might be therapeutic for him . '' will hoped that he 'd served a therapeutic purpose for amanda last night . they still had n't talked about it , and he would guess she did n't want to talk about it , ever . that was beginning to bother him . he did n't like the idea that she could ignore what had happened when it was all he could think about . `` sexual release can be therapeutic , i guess . '' he said it on purpose , to see how she 'd react . she flushed , which made her blue eyes even more blue . `` listen , i 'm not proud of taking advantage last night . '' nobody had a gun to my head . '' he wanted her to know that he 'd enjoyed himself , despite the frustration involved . her face was so red she looked sunburned . `` it was n't exactly a fair exchange , will . '' `` i did n't expect that . you 're the one with the extra dose of stress . '' he 'd wanted her to acknowledge what had happened , not heap blame on herself . `` if i was of some help , then- '' `` you were , but i-oh , god , this is so embarrassing . i just took what i wanted with no thought to mutual satisfaction . that was a gloria move , and i like to think of myself as being more ... more ... '' `` hey , you are more . more of everything . '' he longed to hold her close , but that would lead them to places she did n't want to go . `` you 've been pushing yourself for months , and now this stalker comes along to add to your troubles . you needed to get rid of all that tension . '' `` i should have kept the red vibrator . then i would n't have had to bother you . '' `` it was no bother , and i 'm glad you did . '' `` that has to be the one and only . '' intellectually he knew that . convincing his body was another matter . `` now let 's put all that behind us and get some work done . '' now remember that we 're breaking the client confidentiality rule by doing this . '' she handed him the files . `` but i ca n't wait for monday , and gloria might want to help , but she 'd be bored in the first five minutes and give up . '' as he took the files , he was careful not to touch her . `` i promise to forget everything i find out . now , where should i go with these ? '' `` you 'd be better off with a desk . do you want to use gloria 's or mine ? '' he had to stay out of that steamy den of gloria 's at all costs . and he would n't think about amanda sitting in there surrounded by all those sexual aids and sexy pictures . he 'd concentrate on the task at hand . `` any notations that indicate deviant behavior . sadism or masochism , fetishes , especially if they seem especially weird , anything that seems sexually aggressive , i guess . unusual autoerotic methods . '' he prayed that his expression did n't give away that he 'd engaged in some autoeroticism last night . so far as he knew , it was n't the least bit unusual in nature , though . same technique he 'd used since puberty . `` make a note of any suspicious ones , and when you 're done , put those back and start on the cs . '' she picked up her stack and walked into gloria 's office . he took up his position at her desk , and there was the little hummingbird staring him in the face . he picked it up and cradled it in the palm of his hand . the hummingbird image got to him . he wanted to do something to make amanda 's life easier so she did n't have to flap her wings so damned hard . years ago he 'd seen a hummingbird 's nest-this tight little golf-ball-sized cup , extremely neat , barely large enough to hold the tiny bird hunkered down in it . no birdhouse . no protection from the wind or the rain . will had wanted to build a tiny roof over the nest , and he felt the same urge now with amanda . finding her stalker would help , and he could start with that . he put down the hummingbird and flipped open the top file . twenty minutes later , he looked at his list of suspects . every damned person in the as sounded like a deviant to him . he found guys who liked to do it in a vat of noodles , guys who could n't get it up unless they were watching cnn , guys who admitted to owning more than one anatomically correct blowup doll .	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but she did , and some primitive recessive gene made her body tingle in response . i 've lost too much already . '' wincing , she remembered he 'd just lost a friend who had been like a brother to him . her affront drained away . struggling to find something to say to fill the sudden void , she floundered and managed a lame `` thank you for the clothes . '' after a mental smack upside the head , she added , `` they 're lovely . '' `` i 'm glad you like them , '' he said , too neutrally . his control appeared absolute , but the softly howling wind outside and the steady rain told her otherwise . lindsay could n't bear his turmoil . she was as scrambled as he was-vulnerable-but she could n't hide it the way he did . and she could n't let him hide it , either . he knew her secrets , and she needed to maintain that openness now that they 'd achieved it . `` although they 're clearly not suitable for wearing in public . are you leaving me behind ? '' without looking up , he replied , `` we 'll be heading out tomorrow . until then , you need to eat and rest . '' `` they 're not really suitable for resting , either . '' she poured syrup over her pancakes and began to eat . he lifted his head to study her . `` are n't they comfortable ? '' she swallowed her food . adrian 's brows rose in silent inquiry . `` they 're also very sensual . '' she stabbed her fork into a sausage link . `` designed to be sexy for the wearer and for the beholder . but i heard angels might not be wired the same way-sexually-as we mortals are , so maybe you were n't thinking along those lines when you bought them . '' very calmly , he turned off his ipad and set it on the seat beside him . `` you 've been talking to elijah . i would prefer it if you would pose your questions to me . '' i do n't know what to ask . '' she bit the end off the link with more gusto than necessary . `` perhaps because there 's nothing to question . '' `` i doubt that , '' she said , chewing . `` are you leading me on ? maybe you picked me up because you needed a female companion for media purposes or a date for an upcoming event . then i surprised you with the dragon and you 're not sure what to do with me now . '' he set his elbow on the couch arm and settled in , displaying his body to even better advantage . he might be an angel , but he knew his assets and her weakness for them , and he was n't above exploiting both . `` oh , i know what to do with you . '' `` but you did n't do it the other night . and apparently you have n't been doing it for a long time-if you 've ever done it . '' she was getting turned on by the idea of him being a virgin . the thought of training a man like adrian-the things she could teach him ... `` so , '' he murmured , `` the fact that i 'm not promiscuous disturbs you ? '' lindsay wagged her knife at him . `` there 's a big difference between discerning and celibate . '' `` maybe the celibacy exists because of the discernment . '' he examined the fingernails of his right hand . `` i did n't know there was a question on the table . '' `` okay , here 's one . are angels forbidden to have sex ? '' `` any truth to the rumor that lust is beneath you ? '' `` i think i want to be beneath you . and i thought we were headed there-eventually-but i 'm sensing there 's a whole lot going on i do n't know about . '' his tongue slid along his bottom lip , making her as damp as if he 'd licked her with it . `` let 's head there now . '' lindsay wiped her mouth with the napkin in her lap , then pushed back from the table . she moved toward him with a deliberately slow and sultry stride . her hands went to the belt of her robe , her fingers sliding through the silken knot and loosening it . reaching the coffee table , she allowed the robe to slide to the floor . she smiled when adrian 's breath hitched . he straightened , planting his feet wide on the floor and revealing the thick length of his aroused cock . the act of the tease was enticing on its own , but his physical response took her quickening hunger to another level . she was yanking an edgy tiger by the tail , and from the sharp , rapacious hunger in his gaze , adrian was getting ready to pounce . and bite . leaning over him , lindsay balanced herself with one hand on the back of the couch and allowed her camisole top to gape open .	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i mean , i love my family , i love spending time with them , but when i 'm there , i 'm always reminded of the family that i 'll never be able to have . i know that sounds strange , but i guess you 'd have to be me to understand how much i wanted kids . '' when he finished , lexie simply stared at him , trying to make sense of what he 'd just told her . `` your wife left you because you found out that you could n't have kids ? '' but in the end , yes . '' `` and there was nothing the doctors could do ? '' `` i mean , they did n't say it was utterly impossible for me to have a child , but they made it clear that it would most likely never happen . and that was enough for her . '' `` what about adoption ? or finding a donor ? or ... '' jeremy shook his head . `` i know it 's easy to think she was heartless , but it was n't like that , '' he said . `` you had to know her to fully understand . she grew up thinking that she 'd be a mother . after all , her sisters were all becoming mothers , and she would have been a mother , too , if it was n't for me . '' he glanced up toward the ceiling . `` for a long time , i did n't want to believe it . i did n't want to think i was defective , but i was . and i know it sounds ridiculous , but after that , i just felt like less of a man . like i was n't worthy enough for anyone . '' he shrugged , his voice growing more matter-of-fact as he went on . `` yeah , we could have adopted ; yeah , we could have found a donor . i suggested all of that . but her heart was n't in it . she wanted to be pregnant , she wanted to experience childbirth , and it went without saying that she wanted it to be her husband 's . after that , things started going downhill . but it was n't just her . i changed , too . i was moody ... i started traveling even more for my work ... i do n't know ... maybe i drove her away . '' lexie studied him for a long moment . he took a sip of his beer and scratched at the label on the bottle again . `` maybe it 's because i want you to know what you 're getting into with someone like me . '' at his words , lexie felt the blood rush to her cheeks . `` what makes you think i do n't mean them ? '' outside , the wind began to pick up , and she heard the faint tones of the wind chime near the door . `` because you do n't . because it 's not who you are , and it has nothing to do with what you just told me , '' she said . `` you and i ... we 're not the same , as much as you want to think we are . you 're there , i 'm here . you have a big family that you see frequently , i only have doris , and she needs me here , especially now , considering her health . you like cities , i like small towns . you have a career you love , and i ... well , i have the library and i love that , too . if one of us is forced to change what we have , what we 've chosen to make of our lives ... '' she closed her eyes briefly . `` i know that 's possible for some people to do , but it 's a hard row to hoe when it comes to building a relationship . you said yourself that the reason you fell in love with maria was because you shared the same values . but with us , one of us would have to sacrifice . and if i do n't want to have to sacrifice , i do n't think it 's fair to expect you to sacrifice , either . '' she lowered her gaze , and in the ensuing stillness , he could hear the clock above the fireplace ticking . her lovely face was clouded with sadness , and he was suddenly gripped by the fear that he might be losing any chance he had with her . reaching over , he used his finger to turn her cheek toward him . `` what if i do n't think it 's a sacrifice ? '' `` what if i tell you that i 'd rather be with you than go back to my old life ? '' his finger felt electric against her skin . trying to ignore the sensation , she held her voice steady . `` then i would tell you that i 've had a wonderful time in the last couple of days , too . that meeting you has been ... well , amazing . and that yes , i 'd like to think that there was some way to make this work . and that i 'm flattered . '' `` but you do n't want to try to make this work . '' `` jeremy ... i ... '' `` it 's okay , '' he said , `` i understand . '' because you heard what i said , but you did n't listen . it means that , of course , i 'd like it to work between us .	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his sister-in-law never paid calls before afternoon , and he had never known her to go anywhere with his brother during the day . 'no , me lord . the little 'un . ' 'the little- oh . my god-daughter ? ' he sat up , feeling well but strange , and took the utensil from tom . 'yes , me lord . his grace said as he wants to speak to you about `` the events of last night '' . ' tom had crossed to the window and was looking censoriously at the remnants of grey 's shirt and breeches , these stained with grass , mud , blood and powder stains , and flung carelessly over the back of the chair . he turned a reproachful eye on grey , who closed his own , trying to recall exactly what the events of last night had been . he felt somewhat odd . not drunk , he had n't been drunk ; he had no headache , no uneasiness of digestion ... 'last night , ' he repeated , uncertain . last night had been confused , but he did remember it . the eel party . lucinda joffrey , caroline ... why on earth ought hal to be concerned with ... what , the duel ? why should his brother care about such a silly affair - and even if he did , why appear at grey 's door at the crack of dawn with his six-month-old daughter ? it was more the time of day than the child 's presence that was unusual ; his brother often did take his daughter out , with the feeble excuse that the child needed air . his wife accused him of wanting to show the baby off - she was beautiful - but grey thought the cause somewhat more straightforward . his ferocious , autocratic , dictatorial brother , colonel of his own regiment , terror of both his own troops and his enemies - had fallen in love with his daughter . the regiment would leave for its new posting within a month 's time . hal simply could n't bear to have her out of his sight . thus , he found the duke of pardloe seated in the morning room , lady dorothea jacqueline benedicta grey cradled in his arm , gnawing on a rusk her father held for her . her wet silk bonnet , her tiny rabbit-fur bunting , and two letters , one open , one still sealed , lay upon the table at the duke 's elbow . hal glanced up at him . 'i 've ordered your breakfast . say hallo to uncle john , dottie . ' he turned the baby gently round . she did n't remove her attention from the rusk , but made a small chirping noise . 'hallo , sweetheart . ' john leaned over and kissed the top of her head , covered with a soft blonde down and slightly damp . 'having a nice outing with daddy in the pouring rain ? ' 'we brought you something . ' hal picked up the opened letter , and raising an eyebrow at his brother , handed it to him . grey raised an eyebrow back and began to read . he looked up from the sheet , mouth open . 'yes , that 's what i said , ' hal agreed cordially , 'when it was delivered to my door , just before dawn . ' he reached for the sealed letter , carefully balancing the baby . 'here , this one 's yours . it came just after dawn . ' grey dropped the first letter as though it was on fire , and seized the second , ripping it open . oh , john , it read without preamble , forgive me , i could n't stop him , i really could n't , i 'm so sorry . i told him , but he would n't listen . i 'd run away , but i do n't know where to go . please , please do something ! it was n't signed , but did n't need to be . he 'd recognised the honourable caroline woodford 's writing , scribbled and frantic as it was . the paper was blotched and puckered - with tearstains ? he shook his head violently , as though to clear it , then picked up the first letter again . it was just as he 'd read it the first time - a formal demand from alfred , lord enderby to his grace the duke of pardloe , for satisfaction regarding the injury to the honour of his sister , the honourable caroline woodford , by the agency of his grace 's brother , lord john grey . grey glanced from one document to the other , several times , then looked at his brother . 'i gather you had an eventful evening , ' hal said , grunting slightly as he bent to retrieve the rusk dottie had dropped on the carpet . 'no , darling , you do n't want that anymore . ' dottie disagreed violently with this assertion , and was distracted only by uncle john picking her up and blowing in her ear . 'eventful , ' he repeated . 'yes , it was , rather .	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`` i am , '' anne marie admitted . `` he 's been wonderful with ellen and he 's respectful of my place in her life . '' because she 'd needed someone to conf ide in , anne marie had shared her concerns with barbie when tim made his initial overtures . `` there 's more , right ? '' barbie seemed to have some kind of intuition when it came to relationships-romance radar , she called it . `` tim asked me out to dinner , '' she confessed . on friday night . '' `` why do n't you bring ellen here ? '' `` actually , i was phoning to invite both of you to come over on friday night for a pool party . mom and hector are coming . '' `` i would n't want ellen to intrude . '' she would n't be any bother . hector can bring one of his great-nieces and the two of them will entertain each other . '' `` oh , barbie , that would be great . '' never one to hold back , barbie asked , `` has tim kissed you yet ? '' anne marie did n't think she could include that peck on her cheek . barbie burst out . `` technically , yes-but it was just for show . '' this is ideal , you know . '' she asked , although she was beginning to feel the same way . she was falling for this guy , who happened to be her adopted daughter 's biological father . `` it 's a perfect scenario for ellen , '' barbie was saying . `` maybe ... '' anne marie hated to seem so tentative . she 'd begun to hope that a relationship between her and tim was possible , but she was n't quite ready to believe it . `` i do , '' barbie insisted . `` ellen would have the mother who loves her and her biological father . this could n't have worked out better if you 'd planned it . '' `` but i did n't , '' anne marie said wryly . `` and that 's why it 's so perfect . promise me one thing . '' `` promise you 'll tell me everything when you come to pick up ellen on friday night . oh-and i want to meet him soon . '' a few minutes later , anne marie put the phone down , wearing a huge grin . despite barbie 's optimism , she hoped she was n't counting on too much-and at the same time she felt encouraged by tim 's dinner invitation . she sensed he was attracted to her , just as she was to him . in fact , she found herself thinking about him far too often , thinking about the two of them-and their daughter . her biggest fear was that she might be setting herself up for a major disappointment , one that would hurt ellen , too . chapter 24 after thirty years in the courtroom telling yarns , i started to learn how to make it . the biggest revelation was that yarn , like society , is only held together by friction-and then only loosely . -cecil miskin , owner , buffalo gold , lydia goetz `` casey ! '' cody shouted at the top of his lungs . `` phone ! '' casey stuck her head out her bedroom door . `` i got a phone call ? '' she asked , sounding more than a little surprised . in the month and a half casey had been living with us , she had n't received a single call . when i 'd asked her about this , she 'd shrugged off the question , answering it with one of her own . `` why make friends when i 'll be moving at the end of the summer anyway ? '' that left me with another question , which i did n't ask . according to evelyn boyle , casey had attended school in this neighborhood for most of the school year . did casey actually mean she had n't made a single friend in that whole time ? of course it might just be that none of her school friends were part of the summer program . but then why did n't she keep in touch with them ? it did n't seem natural to purposely avoid friends , even short-term ones . i 'd made friends at summer camp while i was growing up and on vacation with my family . some of those friendships had been brief , but they 'd almost all left me with pleasant memories . i 'd noticed how reticent casey was about opening up to others . that explained why it 'd taken weeks for her to come outside her bedroom for anything other than meals . she liked the three of us , i could tell , and she enjoyed learning and doing new things . brad and i had grown attached to her . in fact , we 'd gone so far as to discuss taking her on as our foster daughter , but evelyn had already made arrangements with a good family . twice now , casey had come to the yarn store and worked for me . well , maybe worked was a slight overstatement .	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* * * * one year earlier - new york city jessa hurried inside the little mexican place , her portfolio in one hand . she was running late , but she could n't help the smile on her face . the last few days had been amazing . burke and cole had spent christmas day with her , taking her for breakfast and lunch , then sitting in the bar while she worked the night shift . they 'd had to work the next day . according to her friends on the maid staff , they had been at the hotel for a week , coming and going at odd hours of the night . she was n't sure exactly what they did for a living . they had told her something about the import export business , but she just could n't see them behind desks . they had too much energy . they were too ... dangerous . she had n't figured them out yet . and she might never . she really did n't care why they were here . she was just damn happy they were . the restaurant was loud , vibrant , and proudly proclaimed that they sold the largest margaritas in manhattan . burke stood up , waving her over to the small table he and cole had claimed . with a smile , she made her way toward them , brimming with excitement . burke 's friendly smile lit up the place . cole was darker . she saw them for what they were , halves of a whole . just looking at them sparked her creativity . was she really considering doing something about that ? would she really have the courage to be honest with them ? `` i ordered you a margarita . i remembered you said you liked mango . '' cole did n't smile as he offered the insanely huge glass to her . he was slightly grave , almost as though he expected her to refuse him . she slid a hand over his , delighted at the relief that crossed his face , the way he relaxed . `` i love mango . and i have something to celebrate . '' burke sat back down . the two men surrounded her . she felt oddly safe when she was between them , which happened often . whenever they took a cab , she found herself in the middle . walking through times square the night before , she 'd had a brother on either side of her , their big bodies a bulwark against the encroaching crowd . she fit between them . she wanted to see just how she fit between them in bed . `` you 're blushing , '' burke said with a grin . `` is this celebration turning naughty ? '' she was sure she flushed even more . `` i sold a painting . '' cole 's eyes flared . `` jessa , that 's wonderful . to a gallery ? '' she was going to have a work in a gallery in soho . `` i did n't really sell it , but the gallery owner agreed to put it up . i have a painting for sale ! she wants to see more . i know it 's small , but it 's a start . '' she was practically humming with glee . `` it is n't small , '' cole said , his voice a deep rumble . `` it 's amazing , jessa . i ca n't wait for your first show , '' burke said with an enormous smile on his face . god , if she was n't glowing , it was only because it was impossible for human skin to do it . she was pretty damn sure she now understood what it meant to beam with happiness . they were so kind to her . she had spent the last several days basking in it , desperate for this giddiness to never end . she thought about them all day ... and all night . now she knew what she wanted . well , not exactly waited . sex just had n't come up . she 'd spent so many years trying to please her parents by becoming the perfect student . she 'd graduated from high school early . she 'd gone to college too young to really fit in with her classmates . since coming to new york , all she 'd been able to think about was keeping a roof over her head and food in her belly . it was time to have a relationship . this might not last more than a week , but she would know what it meant to belong to someone . `` we should celebrate , '' burke offered . `` i think dancing is in order . '' though he had n't been much of a dancer , she 'd loved being held in his strong arms when they 'd danced on christmas eve . he 'd sighed and called himself an elephant with two left feet , but being close to him made all the grousing worthwhile . cole practically pleaded . `` or a show . i 'll go see a show . see , i can compromise . '' she took a long sip of margarita , wishing she had a tequila shot instead . liquid courage , she needed it . instead , she drew in a breath and plowed ahead . `` i think we should all go to bed . '' they both stopped , and in perfect synchronicity , swung their dark heads her way . `` what did you say , sweetheart ? ''	[["year", 16], ["early", 24], ["new", 30], ["york", 35], ["yorks", 35], ["city", 40], ["hurry", 54], ["hurried", 54], ["hurryed", 54], ["hurrying", 54], ["inside", 61], ["little", 72], ["mexican", 80], ["mexicans", 80], ["place", 86], ["portfolio", 102], ["hand", 114], ["run", 132], ["running", 132], ["late", 137], ["lates", 137], ["help", 162], ["helpest", 162], ["smile", 172], ["face", 184], ["last", 195], ["day", 204], ["days", 204], ["amazing", 221], ["burke", 229], ["burkes", 229], ["cole", 238], ["coles", 238], ["spend", 248], ["spends", 248], ["spendest", 248], ["spent", 248], ["day", 262], ["take", 280], ["taking", 280], ["breakfast", 298], ["lunch", 308], ["lunched", 308], ["lunches", 308], ["sat", 323], ["sit", 323], ["sitting", 323], ["bar", 334], ["work", 351], ["wrought", 351], ["worked", 351], ["night", 361], ["shift", 367], ["work", 389], ["wrought", 389], ["next", 398], ["accord", 414], ["according", 414], ["friend", 429], ["friends", 429], ["maid", 441], ["maids", 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["almost", 1603], ["though", 1613], ["expect", 1625], ["expected", 1625], ["refuse", 1639], ["slid", 1654], ["delight", 1682], ["relief", 1696], ["reliefs", 1696], ["cross", 1709], ["crossing", 1709], ["crossed", 1709], ["relax", 1739], ["relaxed", 1739], ["love", 1751], ["celebrate", 1793], ["sat", 1808], ["sit", 1808], ["back", 1813], ["two", 1828], ["twos", 1828], ["man", 1832], ["mans", 1832], ["manned", 1832], ["men", 1832], ["surround", 1843], ["surrounded", 1843], ["feel", 1858], ["felt", 1858], ["oddly", 1864], ["safe", 1869], ["safes", 1869], ["safed", 1869], ["happen", 1912], ["happened", 1912], ["often", 1918], ["whenever", 1929], ["take", 1939], ["took", 1939], ["cab", 1945], ["cabs", 1945], ["find", 1957], ["found", 1957], ["middle", 1979], ["middles", 1979], ["middling", 1979], ["walk", 1989], ["walking", 1989], ["time", 2003], ["times", 2003], ["square", 2010], ["brother", 2050], ["brethren", 2050], ["either", 2060], ["side", 2065], ["sidest", 2065], ["big", 2084], ["bigs", 2084], ["body", 2091], ["bodied", 2091], ["bodies", 2091], ["bulwark", 2101], ["bulwarks", 2101], ["encroach", 2125], ["encroaching", 2125], ["crowd", 2131], ["crowdest", 2131], ["crowding", 2131], ["fit", 2141], ["fitting", 2141], ["bed", 2211], ["blush", 2233], ["blushes", 2233], ["grin", 2261], ["celebration", 2286], ["turn", 2294], ["turning", 2294], ["naughty", 2302], ["naughtier", 2302], ["naughtiest", 2302], ["flush", 2332], ["flushed", 2332], ["even", 2337], ["evens", 2337], ["painting", 2365], ["eye", 2383], ["eyed", 2383], ["eyes", 2383], ["flare", 2390], ["flared", 2390], ["wonderful", 2421], ["gallery", 2436], ["soho", 2491], ["sell", 2518], ["sells", 2518], ["owner", 2545], ["agree", 2552], ["agreed", 2552], ["put", 2559], ["sale", 2594], ["know", 2627], ["knowest", 2627], ["start", 2659], ["practically", 2684], ["hum", 2692], ["hummed", 2692], ["humming", 2692], ["glee", 2702], ["voice", 2750], ["deep", 2757], ["deeply", 2757], ["rumble", 2764], ["rumbles", 2764], ["ca", 2798], ["cas", 2798], ["wait", 2807], ["waitest", 2807], ["first", 2822], ["firstest", 2822], ["show", 2827], ["enormous", 2860], ["god", 2884], ["glow", 2909], ["glowest", 2909], ["glowing", 2909], ["impossible", 2949], ["human", 2959], ["skin", 2964], ["pretty", 2990], ["prettiest", 2990], ["understand", 3019], ["understanded", 3019], ["understood", 3019], ["mean", 3033], ["meanest", 3033], ["meant", 3033], ["beam", 3041], ["happiness", 3056], ["kind", 3076], ["several", 3116], ["bask", 3129], ["basking", 3129], ["desperate", 3147], ["giddiness", 3166], ["end", 3179], ["ends", 3179], ["endest", 3179], ["think", 3193], ["thinkest", 3193], ["thought", 3193], ["know", 3245], ["knowest", 3245], ["knew", 3245], ["well", 3268], ["wells", 3268], ["wait", 3289], ["waitest", 3289], ["waited", 3289], ["sex", 3295], ["come", 3313], ["many", 3339], ["year", 3345], ["years", 3345], ["try", 3352], ["tryed", 3352], ["trying", 3352], ["please", 3362], ["parent", 3374], ["parents", 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["sigh", 3991], ["sighest", 3991], ["sighed", 3991], ["call", 4002], ["called", 4002], ["elephant", 4022], ["left", 4036], ["foot", 4041], ["feet", 4041], ["close", 4059], ["grouse", 4088], ["worthwhile", 4099], ["plead", 4126], ["pleaded", 4126], ["go", 4152], ["goest", 4152], ["compromise", 4188], ["compromised", 4188], ["long", 4209], ["longs", 4209], ["sip", 4213], ["wish", 4236], ["wishing", 4236], ["tequila", 4254], ["tequilas", 4254], ["shot", 4259], ["instead", 4267], ["liquid", 4276], ["need", 4297], ["needest", 4297], ["needed", 4297], ["draw", 4321], ["draws", 4321], ["drawn", 4321], ["drew", 4321], ["breath", 4333], ["breathest", 4333], ["plow", 4344], ["plowed", 4344], ["ahead", 4350], ["stop", 4410], ["stopped", 4410], ["synchronicity", 4441], ["swing", 4449], ["swung", 4449], ["dark", 4460], ["head", 4466], ["heads", 4466], ["say", 4496], ["sayest", 4496], ["sweetheart", 4509]]