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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
blood had already started to dry over the places where the skin was abraded and had broken . the water was a shock to the tender areas and she winced as she set about picking the splinters from the wounds . it was then she noticed the blisters from the day before . two had broken and weeped clear liquid , but there were still several tight pockets that had n't yet burst . she sighed , knowing that she 'd likely added several more this morning . as she rose , her stomach growled and then clenched into a knot that had her wavering unsteadily . she had n't supped the evening before and now she was late to break her fast . if she hurried , she might still be in time . `` where the hell is my wife ? '' graeme demanded , his voice booming over the hall . one of his soldiers who was tending the fires looked uneasily in graeme 's direction and graeme latched onto that expression and strode forward . `` have you seen your mistress this morning ? '' anton swallowed nervously . she was ... '' he winced and then continued on in a rush . `` she was bringing in logs for the fires in the hall . i stopped her , of course , and told her it was my duty to attend the fires . she seemed relieved , but then she hurried out and i have n't seen her since . '' `` she was doing what ? '' anton flinched . `` i could not believe it either . the lass had no business trying to lug in the wood , but she had five logs lined up for the first fire before i came into the hall . '' graeme closed his eyes and shook his head . complete and utter nonsense and no matter what rorie said or how valid her argument was , there was no way he was allowing this to continue . he was prevented from demanding an accounting from every single woman in the keep when eveline hurried in , her cheeks pale from the cold . several tendrils of her hair had come loose from her braid and they framed her face . despite her harried expression , she still managed to take graeme 's breath away . `` oh , good morn , graeme , '' she said breathlessly . she dipped a curtsy and then hurried on past him toward the table where food was already being served . he blinked and swiveled so he could follow her progress across the room . she sat next to his chair and smiled at his brothers , who 'd already taken their seats . only rorie was missing , but then the lass did n't always come to break her fast with the others . before he left to go sit with her and his brothers , he turned back to anton with a quick frown . `` do not allow this to happen again . you make certain she does n't try to carry wood inside this keep even if you have to stack it inside . she is n't to light these fires . '' anton nodded his agreement and graeme left to go sit next to his wife . she smiled brilliantly at him as he took his seat by her side . despite her seeming cheer , he could see the dark smudges underneath her eyes and it made him angry all over again that she was working so hard to find acceptance and his clan was being ridiculously thickheaded in their resistance . who could possibly resist a smile such as hers ? furthermore , how could anyone spend even a moment in eveline 's presence and think she was anything like her kin ? the armstrongs were a bloodthirsty , savage lot who thought nothing of killing others to suit their purposes . eveline was a tenderhearted lass who did n't have a mean bone in her body . except that she had taken a sword to the women of his clan and had run them all out of the keep . he frowned over that matter . the lass had been under duress and she could hardly be blamed for taking a stand in the face of such mean-spirited insults . he fully intended to take up the matter of all this work she was performing over the morning meal , but she kept up a lively conversation with his brothers , though he had no idea of what the discussion was about , exactly . he was n't sure his brothers had any more idea than he did , but they indulged her and responded in kind with a ready smile . he appreciated their acceptance and their support , and he knew that in time it would bleed over into the rest of the clan . perhaps rorie was right and eveline just needed some time to adjust and time to win over the women . it seemed to him that she already had the support of his men . they did n't seem inclined to want her to suffer and thus far he 'd heard of no man offering insult to her . the women , however , were another matter , but even then he could n't exactly fault them for their loyalty to him and the montgomery name . 't was a difficult matter to be certain . the women had always been steadfast in support of the men of the clan .	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unconscious reaction . what im not a fan of is religion . he started the burner under a skillet before he spoke again . he wanted to hear the story , but he knew not to push too hard . thats an interesting position . especially for someone whod spent time in an abbey . about that quote , she said . one of many ? when i was six , a teacher wrote it out for me after she heard some kids teasing me about my name . it seemed to fit your situation . at times like this he felt like he was walking on eggshells in conversations with clenmaneuvering around an obstacle he couldnt see but which was clearly there . did you beat up the kids who teased you ? most bullies are cowards , you know . once i developed some muscles and stood up to them , they backed off . like in your book . so that did happen to you . but its where the idea came from . do we ever escape our pasts ? but for me its a good thing . without a checkered past , id be hard-pressed to have anything to write about . ~ ~ ~ ive been thinking , gerrum said , as he and clen soaked in the stikine hot tub . she stretched out a foot and ran it delicately up and down his leg . deep thoughts or shallow ones ? contentment flowed through her , as warm and encompassing as the hot spring water . startled , she withdrew her foot . although for today shed put the future out of her mind , that detail had begun to niggle like a pebble caught in a shoethe question of what she would do when the lodge closed for the season . gerrums intent expression meant hed wait as long as it took for her to answer , but it wasnt a simple proposition he was making , even if it could be answered with a single word . maude will have a field day , she said , testing his resolve . he looked serious , but amusement glinted in those dark eyes . this is your place , gerrum . i dont want to make it uncomfortable for you . nobody with the slightest spark of intelligence pays any attention to maude . and what would make me uncomfortable , in the extreme , would be to spend the winter sleeping alone . the teasing words were a welcome break from the weight of the decision , and she grabbed it . come here , woman , and let me show you just how romantic i can be . you never know when a moose might drop by . he hooked an arm around her and pulled her onto his lap with a splash . a moose , huh ? he held her without kissing her , and she knew that although he was willing to be playful , he was still waiting for the answer to his question . living with someone isit can be difficult . it requires compromise . unselfishness . not the real reason for her unease , but at least it sounded plausible . gerrum held her for a time before speaking . compromise and acting unselfishly arent difficult when you care for someone and want to make it work . he shifted slightly , and she settled more firmly against him . all either of us can promise is to try , and that well talk about anything that bothers us . she already cared enough for gerrum that failing would be dreadful . what if we succeed ? they met each others eyes , in silence . and into that quiet whispered a memory of the desperate pain shed felt when gerrum was missing . if they cut short what theyd begun to share without discovering where it might lead , it would hurt . for a moment longer she let herself imagine her life without this man , and her heart clenched with a certainty of agony . im about parboiled . she nibbled on his ear then rested her forehead against his . maybe we can go home and you can show me that romantic side ? youre not using the term home loosely are you ? because im real delicate , you know . i can be hurt easy by careless talk . she shifted in order to look him in the eye , making her expression a solemn one . i never use the word home loosely . he stood , setting her on her feet . im glad we got that settled . im ready to go home , too . but first he pulled her back into his arms . the warmth from gerrum and the hot spring water mixed with the cool of a breeze that tickled her neck and flowed over her back . hey , dont forget that moose , she said , breaking off the kiss . better a moose than maude . he let her go , and she climbed out of the tub , sprinkling bright diamonds of water in his hair . they grinned at each other the whole way back to wrangell . ~ ~ ~ the night clen finally told gerrum about what happened with paul , he listened silently as the story poured out , then he folded her against his chest . i ended up at an abbey , and sister mary john tried to help me change . he leaned away and looked her directly in the eye .	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this year he 'd elected to forego the tired office winter-holiday party-it was now politically incorrect to refer to it as a christmas party-where there were actually pools going beforehand as to who would over-indulge and make asses of themselves and who would wind up with who in the coat closet , restroom or break-room . he really did n't care whether he 'd looked like he was n't a team player when he 'd passed on the party . he no longer gave a flying flip . miracle on 34th street was playing on the tv in the corner . if there were any miracles to be found on 34th street he 'd missed them thus far . across the room , a man of native heritage demonstrated flute-carving to a small but rapt group . being ensconced in so much hominess almost checked jared 's urge to get a final reading on the dow via his blackberry . good riddance was just what the doctor ordered . nonetheless he went online and pulled up the day 's final figures . a couple of clicks and he had checked individual stocks . overall , not a bad closing . he looked up from his blackberry to find merrilee watching him with raised eyebrows . `` are you back with us now ? '' going online using a mobile device was de rigueur where he came from . nobody even blinked at it . in fact , it was likely the other person was checking email or texting at the same time as well . however , he suddenly felt as if he 'd crossed some line of good manners and tucked his blackberry into its case . `` sorry , just needed to check on a few things . '' `` no problem , '' merrilee said . she turned to nick with a smile . `` gus is holding court next door . '' next door was the restaurant attached to the terminal and still went by the name of gus 's . `` you know how busy it is during chrismoose , and then word got around gus was back in town and they 're really packing folks in . '' a door about midway across the room boasted a sign above it , welcome to gus 's . even with the television in this room and the small group chatting up front , the muted noise from gus 's was apparent . merrilee eyed their suitcases . `` you probably do n't want to work your way through the crowd with that . you can leave them here for now or take the outside entrance . '' gus 's living quarters had been above the restaurant . the two-bedroom suite was accessible both from inside the restaurant and from the exterior stairs nick had pointed out when they landed . someone else had moved in since gus left but gus and nick were going to share one bedroom and jared got the couch . apparently quarters were hard to come by during the chrismoose festival in good riddance . sleeping on a couch for a few nights would n't kill him . `` how about we just leave them here for now ? '' merrilee waved them to a corner on the other side of her desk . jared and nick deposited their luggage before merrilee hustled them toward the connecting door . go introduce jared to everyone and i 'm sure you 're both starving since we 're four hours behind new york . '' now that she mentioned it , jared had n't really eaten anything all day other than a bagel he 'd grabbed on the way to the train this morning . `` i could eat a horse , '' he said . `` you wo n't find horse but moose and caribou for sure . '' she shooed them forward . `` bull 's bartending . he 'll want to meet jared for sure . '' nick grinned and gave her a quick hug . `` we 'll see bull first and then i 'll introduce jared to everyone . '' it was good to see the obvious affection between them . merrilee was as close to a mother-in-law as nick was going to have . according to nick , merrilee had resented the hell out of him when he 'd first shown up last year . obviously she 'd gotten over it . a couple came down the stairs to the left of the front door . upstairs must be the bed portion of the bed-and-breakfast . as the couple beelined for merrilee , nick and jared crossed the worn wood floor . nick opened the door to the restaurant , and as the sound had indicated beforehand , it was mayhem on the other side . actually , it reminded jared of a manhattan happy hour on a friday evening . to the left of the door the bar area was packed , all the seats taken and several people standing and talking . booths lined one wall beyond the bar , and another to the right of the front door , with tables filling in the floor space . to the far right a group was throwing darts , and both pool tables were also seeing action . jared spotted gus , with her dark hair-a single swath of signature white in the front-at a large table in the corner . he nudged nick . `` gus is over there . 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my girlfriend had just agreed to go out with her ex-boyfriend . everything inside me wanted to throw a typical maddox tantrum , but abby needed me to man up for the moment . acting against my instincts , i decided to let it go , and leaned down to kiss her . i 'll see you at midnight . i turned , pushing my way through the crowd , hearing abby 's voice surge at least two octaves . it reminded me of those girls who would talk like children when they tried to get my attention , hoping to come across as innocent . `` i do n't understand why she had to make any deals with that jesse guy , '' i growled . `` so she could stay , i guess ? '' shepley asked , staring up at the ceiling again . `` there are other casinos . we can just go to another one . '' `` she knows people here , travis . she probably came here because she knew if she got caught , they would n't rat her out to the cops . she has a fake id , but i bet it would n't take long for security to recognize her . these casinos pay high dollar for people to point out the hustlers , right ? '' `` i guess , '' i said , frowning . we met abby and america at the table , watching as america gathered abby 's winnings . `` wan na try the blackjack tables ? '' `` i ca n't lose money , trav . '' `` you ca n't lose , pidge . '' `` blackjack 's not her game . '' `` i won a little , '' i said , digging in my pockets . `` i 'm up six hundred . shepley handed abby his chips . `` i only made three . `` thanks , guys , but i 'm still short five grand . '' she looked at her watch again and then looked up to see jesse approaching . `` i 'm five k short , jess . `` i 've done all i can , abby . '' jesse offered an uncomfortable smile . he was obviously just as scared of these people as abby . `` maybe i can get my dad to talk to benny for you ? '' `` it 's mick 's mess . i 'm going to ask him for an extension . '' `` you know that 's not going to happen , cookie , no matter how much you come up with . if it 's less than what he owes , benny 's going to send someone . you stay as far away from him as you can . '' `` i have to try , '' abby said , her voice broken . jesse took a step forward , leaning in to keep his voice low . `` get on a plane , abby . jesse sighed , and his eyes grew heavy with sympathy . he wrapped his arms around abby and then kissed her hair . if my job was n't at stake , you know i 'd try to figure something out . '' the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end , something that only happened when i felt threatened and was about to unleash my full wrath on someone . just before i tackled him , abby pulled away . jesse lifted her chin with his finger . `` i 'll see you tomorrow at five . '' he bent down to kiss the corner of her mouth , and then walked away . it was then that i noticed my body was leaning forward , and shepley was once again gripping my shirt , his knuckles white . abby 's eyes were stuck to the floor . `` what 's at five ? '' `` she agreed to dinner if jesse would let her stay . she did n't have a choice , trav , '' america said . abby peered up at me with her big , apologetic eyes . `` you had a choice , '' i said . `` have you ever dealt with the mob , travis ? i 'm sorry if your feelings are hurt , but a free meal with an old friend is n't a high price to pay to keep mick alive . '' i clamped my jaw closed , refusing to let it open for words to spill out that i would regret later . `` c'mon , you guys , we have to find benny , '' america said , pulling abby by the arm . shepley walked beside me as we followed the girls down the strip to benny 's building . it was one block away from the bright lights , but it was somewhere the gold had never touched-and was n't meant to . abby paused , and then walked up a few steps to a large , green door . she knocked , and i held her other hand to keep it from trembling . the doorman appeared in the open doorway . he was enormous-black , intimidating , and as wide as he was tall-with the stereotypical vegas sleazeball standing next to him . gold chains , suspicious eyes , and a gut from eating too much of his mother 's cooking . `` benny , '' abby breathed .	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so why had it been important for them to meet separately , outside the group ? was n't it strange enough that they 'd both arrived on the same night , at the same time ? she dug out her membership key-thanks , cal-to open the door to the fitness area , pressed her guest pass number on the keypad . the lights were still off , which was a surprise . normally when she arrived , they were already on , and at least one of the trio of swivel tvs was tuned to cnn or espn or one of the morning talk shows . very often there was somebody on one of the treadmills or bikes , or pumping weights . she flipped on the lights , called out . and her voice echoed hollowly . curious , she walked through , pushed open the door , and saw the lights were also off in the tiny attendant 's office , and in the locker room . maybe somebody had a late date the night before , she decided . she helped herself to a locker key , stripped down to her workout gear , then grabbed a towel . opting to start her session with cardio , she switched on the today show before climbing onto the single elliptical trainer the club boasted . she programmed it , resisting the urge to cheat a few pounds off her weight . as if it mattered , quinn reminded herself . ( of course , it mattered . ) she started her warm-up pleased with her discipline , and her solitude . still , she expected the door to slam open any minute , for matt or tina , who switched off as attendants , to rush in . by the time she was ten minutes in , she 'd kicked up the resistance and was focused on the tv screen to help her get through the workout . when she hit the first mile , quinn took a long gulp of water from the sports bottle she 'd brought with her . as she started on mile two , she let her mind drift to what she hoped to accomplish that day . research , the foundation of any project . and she wanted to draft what she thought would be the opening of her book . writing it out might spark some idea . at some point , she wanted to walk around the town again , with cybil-and layla if she was up for it . a visit to the cemetery was in order with cybil in tow . time to pay a call on ann hawkins . maybe cal would have time to go with them . needed to talk to him anyway , discuss how he felt , what he thought , about gage-whom she wanted to get a look at-and cybil 's arrival . mostly , she admitted , she just wanted to see him again . show him off to cybil . is n't he cute ? maybe it was completely high school , but it did n't seem to matter . she wanted to touch him again , even if it was just a quick squeeze of hands . and she was looking forward to a hello kiss , and finding a way to turn that worried look in his eyes into a glint of amusement . she loved the way his eyes laughed before the rest of him did , and the way he ... well . she was absolutely gone over him , she realized . seriously hooked on the hometown boy . that was kind of cute , too , she decided , except it made her stomach jitter . still , the jitter was n't altogether a bad thing . it was a combination of oh-oh and oh boy ! , and was n't that interesting ? quinn 's falling in love , she thought , and hit mile two with a dopey smile on her face . she might 've been puffing , sweat might have been dribbling down her temples , but she felt just as fresh and cheerful as a spring daisy . the machine stopped ; the tv went blank and silent . her first reaction was n't alarm as much as , what now ? the dark was absolute , and though she could draw a reasonable picture in her mind where she was in relation to the outside door-and what was between her and the door-she was wary about making her way to it blind . she wondered as she waited for her breathing to level . she could n't possibly fumble her way to the locker room , to her locker and retrieve her clothes . so she 'd have to go out in a damn sports bra and bike pants . she heard the first thud ; the chill washed over her skin . and she understood she had much bigger problems than skimpy attire . as her pulse began to bang , she hoped desperately whatever was in the dark with her was human . but the sounds , that unholy thudding that shook the walls , the floor , the awful scuttling sounds creeping under it were n't those of a man . gooseflesh pricked her skin , partly from fear , partly from the sudden and intense cold . keep your head , she ordered herself . for god 's sake , keep your head . she gripped the water bottle-pitiful weapon , but all she had-and started to ease off the foot pads on the machine to the floor .	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the only school subjects he remembered with any fondness were sport and art . sport had always been easy . he need only watch a game for a minute before his body knew instinctively how to move , and as for art - well , he 'd never excelled at any of the practical aspects , but had always loved the study of it . for all the reasons he 'd talked about with grace his first night at belgrave . his eyes fell on the book , still open on the table between them . `` why do you dislike this ? '' he asked , motioning to the painting . it was not his favorite , but he did not find anything to offend . `` she does not like him , '' she said . she was looking down at the book , but he was looking at her , and he was surprised to see that her brow was wrinkled . `` she does not want his attentions , '' grace continued . `` and he will not stop . look at his expression . '' jack peered at the image a little more closely . he supposed he saw what she meant . the reproduction was not what he would consider superior , and it was difficult to know how true it was to the actual painting . certainly the color would be off , but the lines seemed clear . he supposed there was something insidious in the man 's expression . still ... `` but could n't one say , '' he asked , `` that you are objecting to the content of the painting and not the painting itself ? '' it had been some time since anyone had engaged him in what might be termed intellectual discourse . `` perhaps the artist wishes to invoke this response . perhaps his intention is to portray this very scene . it does not mean that he endorses it . '' her lips pressed together , the corners tightening in a manner that he 'd not seen before . but more than that , it seemed to call to the fore an unhappiness that was almost entrenched . when she moved her mouth like that - angry , upset , resigned - it looked like she would never be happy again . worse , it looked like she accepted it . `` you do not have to like it , '' he said softly . her mouth softened but her eyes remained clouded . `` no , '' she said , `` i do n't . '' she reached forward and flipped the page , her fingers changing the subject . `` i have heard of monsieur watteau , of course , and he may be a revered artist , but - oh ! '' jack was already smiling . grace had not been looking at the book as she 'd turned the page . `` oh my ... '' `` now that 's a boucher , '' jack said appreciatively . `` it 's not ... i 've never ... '' her eyes were wide - two huge blue moons . her lips were parted , and her cheeks ... he only just managed to resist the urge to fan her . `` marie-louise o'murphy , '' he told her . he should n't have laughed , but truly , he could not help it . `` every schoolboy knows her . of her , '' he corrected . `` i believe she passed on recently . in her dotage , have no fear . tragically , she was old enough to be my grandmother . '' he gazed down fondly at the woman in the painting , lounging provocatively on a divan . she was naked - wonderfully , gloriously , completely so - and lying on her belly , her back slightly arched as she leaned on the arm of the sofa , peering over the edge . she was painted from the side , but even so , a portion of the cleft of her buttocks was scandalously visible , and her legs ... jack sighed happily at the memory . her legs were spread wide , and he was quite certain he had not been the only schoolboy to have imagined settling himself between them . many a young lad had lost his virginity ( in dreams , but still ) to marie-louise o'murphy . he wondered if the lady had ever realized the service she had provided . she was staring at the painting . he thought - he hoped - she might be growing aroused . `` she was the mistress of the king of france , '' jack told her . `` it was said that the king saw one of boucher 's portraits of her - not this one , i think , perhaps a miniature - and he decided he had to have her . '' grace 's mouth opened , as if she wanted to comment , but nothing quite came out . `` she came from the streets of dublin , '' he said , `` or so i 'm told . it is difficult to imagine her obtaining the surname o'murphy anywhere else . '' he sighed in fond recollection . `` we were always so proud to claim her as one of our own . '' he moved so that he might stand behind her , leaning over her shoulder . when he spoke , he knew that his words would land on her skin like a kiss . `` it 's quite provocative , is n't it ? 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her concern for him grated against every nerve ending my body . unable to stop myself , i pressed my hand on the center of her back and demanded , keep moving . she started walking again while vaughan struggled to his knees . we plodded our way through the forest , toward home . slowly at first , with her ear turned towards vaughan . once she felt satisfied that her friend was safe and standing , she picked up her pace . creed and austen kept vaughan detained long enough for us to get decently ahead of them , exactly as i wanted it . that was on purpose , she accused me . there was no point in lying to her . to separate you . she glanced over at me then . the first time she would see me and so i schooled my features to look casual and careless . i kept my eyes forward as if wary of threats or intent on our destination and let her look her fill . i knew i was good-looking ; i didnt need another person to pander to nonexistent insecurities with bullshit . i knew exactly how i looked and precisely how women perceived me . even if reagan didnt trust me yet , i knew how she would see me . and that it would work to my advantage- that it was step one in my ultimate plan . my body vibrated with something powerful while i kept my eyes forward . her eyes slid to me several times as she split her attention between me and the forest floor . she had to pay attention with her arms bound like that , but i could sense her curiosity and her peeked interest . she didnt try to hide her surprise when her eyes fell on my face or her open admiration as they traveled over my body . she seemed to stumble through several different thought patterns . her expressions flickered quickly as they moved with her thoughts until they finally landed on cold indifference . her eyes narrowed , her lush mouth pursed , her arms stiffened again , pulling every muscle into coiled readiness . to town , i answered . i wanted to know if she knew there was a town out here , or if she was as unsuspecting as her friends had been . sure theyd realized they were caught easily enough , but theyd seemed utterly surprised to get caught in the first place . shed heard of us . whether theyd been coming here directly , or run into miller during his pathetic escape attempt , shed heard of us . you look well-fed , she all but accused me . i hid my shock at her willingness to talk . maybe this would be easier than i thought . she seemed difficult . not just because she let off this independent-woman vibe , but because so far , shed challenged me at every opportunity . conversation was good though and i gave her answers easily . these were building blocks to my end game . besides there was no reason to lie to her . i held her in captivity- i had the power , i had the authority . i am , i confirmed . how are you well-fed ? we exited the forest and onto the edge of the school grounds . the town was surrounded by thick woodland and wed always been isolated from larger civilization . one highway split the town down the middle and then smaller streets connected main street to the quaint neighborhoods that branched out from the central hub . this was small town living at its finest . reagan drank in every single sight that stretched out in front of her . she took it all in with highly intelligent eyes , intent on memorizing every finer detail . no doubt , she was mapping out an escape plan , something i couldnt let her get away with . hoping to jostle her attention , i said , we eat our prisoners . she jumped at my words and then her brows snapped down over her dark eyes . she let my words bounce around in her head , trying to decide if i was serious or not . i hid another grin while she struggled to feel fear or confusion . dont worry , darlin , creed called out from behind us . he sounded like an ignorant hillbilly with his thick drawl and i wanted to turn around and shoot him in the gut- let him bleed out all over the football field he once set all his useless high school hopes and dreams on . i never heard not one of kanes prisoners complain ! i wanted to groan at his ignorance and how hed so easily set me back miles with reagan . hed back-fired my plan and made her more uncomfortable than ever . although , it was true . just because i hadnt felt the desire to bring a girl home to share my house with , didnt mean there hadnt been plenty to fill space and warm my bed in the meantime . id just always tired of them before- handed them over to other , greedier men . oh , god , reagan groaned and her face paled at the insinuation that her precious virtue was in danger . i cleared my throat uncomfortably but didnt try to explain . an apology would only weaken my image of authority and to open that particular discussion would tarnish any hope i had that she could trust me .	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when gavin 's gaze had looked toward the flag , then moved on to russell 's picture , shock quickly followed by panic had seized and chilled her . she used to end each day looking at the flag and remembering her husband had been willing to die for a cause he 'd passionately believed in . every night before she 'd closed her eyes she 'd told the image of russell 's beloved face good-night . when had she stopped ? guilt poured over her . shaken and weak , she 'd hidden the photograph because she could n't bear gavin asking about russell . and he would , the nosy bastard . she hated that she 'd been so rattled she had n't even been able to stay and learn basic window repair . how could she take care of the inn if she did n't tough it out ? and then gavin had watched her throughout lunch with that wolf-like predator 's awareness of his . her nerves had stretched to almost the breaking point as she 'd waited for him to voice the questions in his eyes and rip the scabs off barely healed wounds . instead he and pops had discussed the dam gavin had built in namibia . if she 'd been less tense she would have been fascinated by the stories gavin told of his adventures . he 'd worked in places she 'd only dreamed of seeing and done things she could n't even begin to fathom . it must be amazing to look up at a massive dam or bridge and know you 'd had a part in its creation . pops shuffled into the kitchen , followed by gavin . the men headed for the coatrack . she quickly dried her hands . `` henry wants me to take him to the mine , '' gavin answered . `` but it 's snowing . '' `` it stopped an hour ago and we checked weather radar . the next band of snow wo n't move through for a couple of hours . '' gavin helped pops with his coat . she scrambled for excuses . `` the ground will be slick . '' `` i 'll drive him as close to the mine entrance as possible , '' gavin replied in a deep , patient tone that made her want to scream . `` with the forecast we have we wo n't be able to make the trip later in the week . '' if she could n't make the lug head see reason , she 'd work on pops . `` what about your aches ? '' `` they 've eased a might since my nap . might even loosen me up . '' she could n't let them go alone . gavin had already gotten a promise to sell land and a blank check . no telling what else he would wheedle out of pops . `` we 're taking the pickup , '' gavin warned . she smothered a grimace . that would put her in the sandwiched-between-two-men position she 'd fought so hard to avoid this morning . gavin held out her coat , leaving her no choice but to turn her back and let him assist her . she shoved her arms into the sleeves and before she could step away he scooped his hands under her hair to pull it free of her collar . his fingertips grazed her nape . a shiver of awareness trickled down her spine . startled , she jumped out of reach . she was not attracted to him . she would n't let herself be . she had too many good reasons to dislike and distrust him . `` pops , would n't you prefer your beaver hat ? '' `` b'lieve i would . '' he shuffled toward his bedroom . sabrina waited until he was out of earshot , then scowled at gavin . `` the climb will be too much for him . '' `` he can handle it if i take it slow and stop to show him points of interest along the trail . '' he kept his voice at the same low volume as hers . `` gavin- '' `` he needs to do this and you need to let him . '' his firm i'm-the-boss tone warned her not to argue . but that was n't going to stop her from trying to protect pops . `` he does n't have to do it today . he can wait until it 's warmer . '' `` today is the anniversary of the day he and your grandmother carved their initials into the beam . he claims it 's the last time they were happy together before her pancreatic cancer was diagnosed . he wanted to go alone , but i insisted on tagging along . '' sabrina 's heart clenched and her anger deflated . could gavin be a complete ass if he were this considerate of pops ? `` i did n't know about the anniversary . he 's never said anything before . in fact , they never told us about the diagnosis until close to the end . i guess i should thank you for insisting on going . '' he snagged her knit cap from the peg and tugged it over her head . the intimate gesture startled her and made her chest tight , but she could n't move away since he still gripped her cap .	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a large woman with red hair barreled down the sidewalk . james stood between the threat and isaac . im taking my son with me . you aint going nowhere . wrinkled hands propped on ample hips . kathys sposed to pick him up , and she owes me . no food stamps . james clenched his jaw . food stamps ? one hand fell from her hip . all that partying going on her head bobbed and swayed as she spoke . somebodys got to pay the piper . she stuck out her neck and her eyes widened . and it aint gon na be me . a palm turned up . he laid a hundred dollar bill in her hand . she tucked the money into her bra . nice doing business with ya . you bring the little fellow back to grannys anytime . james swallowed his disgust . she laughed on her way back to the porch . oh hell be back , if i know his momma . her cackle plucked at his nerves . and erybody knows his momma . james slid behind the wheel of his truck and drove west on houston street . surely isaacs abandonment proved kathy unfit . he stopped in the road and snapped a picture of cindys house with his phone . evidence of neglect was the only thing standing in his way of filing for full custody . isaacs bare feet dangled . he needed to be in a car seat , but james didnt know where it was . reaching over , he tightened the middle seatbelt . it would have to do until they got home . stains splotched isaacs jeans and a rip was in the sleeve of his shirt . little blue eyes widened . i was ascared . james ruffled his sons greasy hair . youre the bravest boy i know . nuh-uh , daddy , i was ascared bad . swallowing the lump in his throat , james kept his voice light . but granny yells louder than momma does . she didnt bathe you either , did she ? you smell like a little piggy . james wrinkled his nose and snorted . isaacs giggle lifted a heavy burden from james . how long since you changed clothes ? james smiled for the first time in hours . to isaac , everything in the past happened yesterday and everything in the future was tomorrow . i think well put you in the tub first . for once isaac didnt argue about bath time . he snuggled close to jamess side . at least the mean , old woman had fed him . james blinked against the knot in his throat . he silenced the questions churning in his mind and concentrated on the sunday afternoon traffic . he unlocked his phone and dialed his sisters number . she would be worried about isaac , and james wanted to check on joni . would she forgive him for dumping her at church ? sara answered on the second ring . one of kathys friends was babysitting . he didnt dare tell the truth . well come over tomorrow for supper . lets meet at moms . shes a better cook . hows joni ? we dropped her off on university boulevard . james cringed . did she survive church ? aunt sandra had an interesting conversation with her after the service . did you know joni played classical piano ? uncertainty pretzeled his stomach . he didnt want joni to enjoy church and he certainly didnt like her talking to aunt sandra . her chuckle boasted a new convert . you were supposed to take her home , not drag her to an altar . feminine laughter had him grinding his teeth . nothing that horrible happened . although , joni agreed to attend wednesday night prayer meeting . isaac slumped in the seat and james adjusted his sleeping son next to him . sara sighed in his ear . my meddlesome sister is ruining the perfect girl . i dont want you to change joni . she doesnt need your churchy ways . shes fine the way she is . he braked hard for the sudden red light while holding on to isaac . he swore and ended the call . he shouldve known better than to introduce joni to sara . chapter three joni strolled up to the kappa house at three oclock sunday afternoon . candace and five other girls squealed and hugged her outside the common room . she shuffled through the door and perched on the burgundy sofa . girl , youre over twelve hours late and all you can say is where is my phone ? trent has called four times asking if you were back yet . joni frowned at the girls surrounding her . duh , he had a flat tire and by the time he made it to the party , youd left with james . kathy is livid . jonis head spun . which one of the girls said that ? shes the one who introduced us . trent is soooo disappointed he missed out on your maiden voyage .	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people responded to emma not for superficial reasons , but who she was and the things she did . she volunteered regularly at her children 's school , and at three o'clock every afternoon , she propped open the front door with a brick so that kids in the neighborhood would have a place to congregate . and they did-her house was a beehive of activity for hours as children trampled in and out-drawn by the homemade pizzas she cooked almost daily . but if the children loved her , henry adored her and considered himself fortunate to have her by his side . emma was good for henry and vice versa ; as they often told others , they were too busy laughing together to have any time to argue . like henry , emma loved to tease , and when they got going , they seemed to feed off each other . and after a couple of drinks ? watch out , mike thought . they were deadly , like sharks who fed on their young . unfortunately for mike , he knew that right now he was nothing but a baby shark , swimming ahead of mommy 's open jaws . one look at the hungry gleam in their eyes made him want to dive for cover . emma continued to stare . `` i think mabel used the word ... sexy , '' henry offered . emma raised a finger , as if henry were an attorney who 'd made a valid point in court . `` yes ... sexy . in a handsome stranger kind of way , i mean . '' mike crossed his arms and sank lower in his seat , wondering if the evening could get any worse . `` my sentiments exactly , '' henry said . still waiting for drinks , richard and julie were standing at the bar , their faces in profile . `` they do make a lovely couple , '' he added . `` they certainly stand out in a crowd , '' emma agreed . `` it 's like one of those people magazine articles about the world 's most glamorous couples . '' `` like they should be starring in a movie together . '' `` knock it off , you guys , '' mike finally cut in . he 's perfect , he 's wonderful , he 's mr . henry and emma faced mike , their eyes bright with amusement . `` we 're not saying that , mike , '' henry offered , `` we 're just saying he looks like he is . '' emma reached across the table and patted mike on the shoulder . `` besides , '' she said , `` there 's no reason to lose hope . looks are n't the only thing that matter . '' henry leaned toward emma . `` i guess you should know my little brother 's been having a hard time with all this . and from his expression , i do n't think we 're helping . '' emma asked innocently . `` i 'd be fine if you two would quit picking on me . you 've been at it all night . '' `` but you 're such an easy target when you 're this way . '' `` pouting does that , you know . '' `` henry and i have already been through this . '' `` and it 's not attractive at all , '' emma said , ignoring his comment . `` take it from a woman who knows . unless you want to lose out to a guy like that , you 'd better change your tune before it 's too late . if you keep acting the way you 've been acting all night , you might as well say good-bye right now . '' mike blinked at the honesty . `` so i should act like i do n't care ? '' act like you do care , like you want what 's best for her . '' `` be her friend . '' `` i am her friend . '' `` not right now , you 're not . if you were her friend , you 'd be happy for her . '' `` why should i be happy she 's with him ? '' `` because , '' emma said as if the answer were obvious , `` it means she 's ready to start looking for the guy who 's right for her , and everyone knows who that is . in the end , i honestly doubt if it 'll be the guy over there . '' she smiled and touched his shoulder again . `` do you really think we 'd be giving you such a hard time if we did n't believe this was all going to work out for you two in the end ? '' as much as she teased him , mike knew at that moment why henry loved her so much . and why he loved her , too . in a sisterly kind of way , of course . the guardian julie and richard 's drinks finally arrived-bourbon for him , a diet coke for her-and after paying , richard put his wallet away , then glanced off to the side , toward the man sitting at the end of the bar . the man was stirring his drink , seemingly minding his own business .	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one tuesday night in november , i saw him at the library . i spent the next four tuesday nights there , hoping it was a pattern . sometimes i 'd allow myself to follow him to his 11:30 class in andrews hall , and then i 'd have to run across campus to make it to my class in the temple building . by the end of the semester , i was long past the point of starting a natural , casual conversation with him . i stopped trying to make eye contact . i even started dating a sig ep i met in my sociology class . but i could n't give up my 10:30 date with headphone boy . i figured , after christmas break , our schedules would change , and that would be that . i 'd wait until then to move on . jennifer to beth > > i love this , you actually have me believing that all hope is lost . beth to jennifer > > all my hope was lost . and then ... the week before finals , i showed up at the union at my usual time and found chris sitting in my seat . his headphones were around his neck , and he watched me walk toward him . at least , i thought he was watching me . he had never looked at me before , never , and the idea made my skin burn . before i could solve the problem of where to sit , he was talking to me . jennifer to beth > > did he say , `` stop stalking me , you psychopath '' ? and i said , `` hi . '' and he said , `` look ... '' his eyes were green . he kind of squinted when he talked . `` i 've got a 10:30 class next semester , so ... we should probably make other arrangements . '' i was struck numb . i said , `` are you mocking me ? '' `` no , '' he said , `` i 'm asking you out . '' `` then , i 'm saying yes . '' `` good ... , '' he said , `` we could have dinner . you could still sit across from me . it would be just like a tuesday morning . but with breadsticks . '' we went out that weekend . and the next weekend . jennifer to beth > > wow , what a cucumber . ( cool , i mean . ) did he know all along that you were watching him ? beth to jennifer > > yeah , i think so . that 's just chris . he never hurries . he never shows his cards . he always hangs up first . jennifer to beth > > what does that mean , he always hangs up first ? beth to jennifer > > like when we first started talking on the phone , he would always be the one who got off first . when we kissed , he always pulled away first . he always kept me just on the edge of crazy . feeling like i wanted him too much , which just made me want him more . jennifer to beth > > that sounds excruciating . beth to jennifer > > excruciating and wonderful . it feels good to want something that bad . i thought about him the way you think about dinner when you have n't eaten for a day and a half . like you 'd sell your soul for it . jennifer to beth > > i 've never not eaten for a day and a half . beth to jennifer > > not even when you had the flu or something ? jennifer to beth > > maybe once . what happened to your sig ep ? beth to jennifer > > oh god . i did n't remember to dump him until sunday afternoon . i had two boyfriends for like nine hours . not that i called chris my boyfriend then . i did n't want to spook him . that first year was strange . i felt like a butterfly had landed on me . if i moved or even breathed , i thought he would float away . jennifer to beth > > because he always hung up first ? beth to jennifer > > that . i never knew when i would see him or when he would call . a week might go by and i would n't talk to him . then i 'd find a note slid under my door . or a leaf . or song lyrics written on a matchbook . or chris himself . leaning against my door on a wednesday afternoon , waiting for me to get back from economics . maybe he 'd stay for 15 minutes . maybe he 'd leave that night after i fell asleep . or maybe he 'd talk me into skipping classes for the rest of the week . maybe we would n't leave the room until saturday morning when we 'd finally exhausted my supply of salsa and popsicles and diet coke . he made me nervy . i spent a lot of time looking out of windows , trying to will him to me . i rented movies about girls who chewed on their hair and had fever patches on their cheeks .	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danny stayed back and eyed her with suspicion . raven couldnt blame him for his doubts . no one in the settlement trusted vampires . up until recently , raven hadnt trusted any of them . shed believed they were all sadistic and cruel . in fact , shed been the one to train danny and layla to fight vampires . she missed connor . she knew this was the right thing to do . still , she felt a lump form in her throat every time she thought about the possibility of never seeing connor again . they let me go , raven explained . danny looked even more skeptical . why would the vampires just let you go , raven ? no one has ever come back once they were captured . we thought you might be able to escape at first , but not once they got you to their settlement . now , im supposed to believe that after months of captivity , they just let you go ? laylas eyes widened when she noticed the knife in dannys hand . what are you doing , danny ? youve known her since you were a whiny little boy . i dont blame him for being suspicious of me , raven said to layla . she was careful to keep her voice soothing . i would have felt the same before . i need to see graham . i think were all in danger , and we need to figure out whats going on . if you take me to graham , ill explain everything , she assured them . fine , danny said with a curt nod . you go after youve been searched . raven put a hand on laylas arm . you have no reason to trust me . im just going to take my sticks out and put them on the ground . she started to reach behind her back , but danny stopped her . ill get them out . raven put her hands up . fine , you get them . he stalked over and removed her eskrima sticks from the harness on her back . now , im supposed to believe that they also let you go with your weapons ? seems like you got a little too cozy with your undead friends . i dont blame you for not trusting me , but you could at least speak respectfully to me . youve known me almost your entire life , and i have always been good to you . dannys cheeks flushed and he looked guilty as he patted her down . even with the amount of time they spent outside , his skin had always tended to be pale so it stood out more when he was embarrassed or angry . hed inherited his complexion , along with his dark red hair and green eyes , from his father . when he was satisfied that she didnt have any other weapons , he unlocked the gate to the tunnel and motioned her forward . raven smiled to herself when he handed her a flashlight . he must not feel too angry or distrustful if he wanted to make sure she didnt fall . he knew a flashlight was a good weapon . decades ago , the tunnel had been maintained so that cars could pass through it . there were lighting fixtures , but they had long ago stopped using those . there were very few generators and they just couldnt produce enough electricity , or steal enough light bulbs , to keep the tunnel lit . actually , it was unlikely that anyone made anything to fit in the old lighting fixtures anymore . the tunnel hadnt been attractive in the early days when they still made some effort to maintain it . now , the paint along the walls was chipped and there was water damage . the rail along the old pedestrian walkway was missing sections and should probably be taken out before it fell on someone . the road beneath her feet was made of broken asphalt . near the opening , where there was still some light , plants grew up from the giant cracks . the tunnel smelled of mold , and she was sure that it was leaking in places . they tried hard to fix all of the leaks but new ones always seemed to show up . at one time there had been another tunnel that had become unusable due to flooding . actually , at one time there had been three bridges , but theyd all been destroyed to secure the island once known as alameda . raven often wondered what theyd do when this tunnel became unusable . maybe theyd just use boats to cross to the other side . it was still done at times but it was more dangerous . to be honest , it wouldnt be hard to swim across . the problem was that both sides of the shoreline were guarded . on the island side , it was the humans from the settlement guarding the waters . on the other side , they werent sure who was on guard , but people had been killed trying to take boats across on several occasions . as always , raven was relieved when she reached the end of the tunnel . it was a long walk in an enclosed area , and she felt like she was suffocating by the end . years ago theyd used bicycles , but the pavement was too treacherous for that now . there were still some offroad vehicles that were used when someone needed to make a longer trip .	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i 'll never be able to wipe those sights from my mind , but i do n't see strange men up there , kneeling or pleasuring . all i see is jesse . i feel sick , but i asked for it . 'i never want to go up there again . ' 'then you wo n't . ' he answers immediately . 'and i never want you to go up there either . ' i 'm being unreasonable by asking him to avoid the epicenter of his business . he studies me carefully . 'i 've no need to go up there . everything i need is standing within touching distance and i plan on keeping her that close . ' i nod my head , my eyes darting across his body . i say quietly , feeling guilty for making such a demand and even guiltier that he 's submitted with no questions , arguments or challenging . he pushes my hair from my face gently . 'you find kate and i 'll get the drinks . ' he turns me around , sending me on my way . i make my way through to the summer room , avoiding the toilets , even though i could do with a wee . the dance floor is busy and i spy kate immediately , her red hair a beacon in the crowd . i step onto the dance floor as otis reading 's love man kicks in and kate screams , thrilled at my arrival and the track . 'a tour of the communal room . ' i shrug , but then the hideous thought of kate up there stamps all over my mind . her big blues widen in astonishment , and then her pale face breaks out in a big grin . this does not assist in ridding my head of such unbearably awful thoughts . she grabs my hand and i grasp my dress so i can join her . sam and drew are very well oiled and performing some pretty criminal moves as they attract the attention of many women on the dance floor . kate does n't seem to mind . she keeps her hand in mine and rolls her eyes at her wayward fellow and his cheeky grin . she is as laidback and unthreatened as ever , but sam , it would seem , is not so . he soon yanks her away from a man dancing a bit too close for his liking . i jump and have a mild panic attack when a back presses up against mine , but his smell soon invades me and i turn my face into the chin that is resting on my shoulder . 'hey , my beautiful girl . ' 'you made me jump . ' 'natural instinct . ' he smiles straight back . 'i 'm going to dirty you up . ' he reaches down and shifts my dress up ever so slightly , and then hunkers down behind me , taking me with him . he starts slowly circling his hips , placing his palm on my lower stomach and guiding me around with him . my rotating hips soon catch on to his tempo and we 're in sync and in time to the band , who are doing an amazing rendition of the famous track . i throw my head back on a laugh when his arm appears suspended at the side , drifting up and down as he grinds his hips into mine , our circling speeding up and slowing in unison to the beat as i 'm swayed from side to side and back and forth . kate and sam are in a tight clinch and drew makes a grab for a woman who 's blatantly asking for it . i place my hand over his on my stomach and let him do his thing , with no reservations and no concern for the dozens of women around us , who are all suddenly well aware of jesse 's presence on the floor and have all upped their game in the dancing department . their attempts to catch his eye will be in total vein . his chin is resting firmly on my shoulder as he dirties me up with his glorious , gyrating hips and with no regard for who is watching . 'oh god , i love you . ' he says in my ear , kissing my temple , then clasping my hand and sending me out on a little spin before returning me to his waiting chest . the dancers applaud , and the band kicks into stevie wonder 's superstitious . i hear kate squeal from behind me . 'more dancing ? ' his eyebrow arches on a confident grin as he slowly sways me from side to side . 'you ca n't keep up with your god , sweet temptress . ' we 're the only ones in an embrace as everyone around us gets down to the current offering from the band . jesse 's right ; they are really very good . he runs his nose up the side of my face and then circles it slowly . 'are you happy ? ' 'deliriously . ' that is the easiest question i 've ever had to answer . there is too much space between us . 'then my work here is done . ' he pushes his face into my neck and breathes in deeply , and i smile in pure and utter bliss as he holds me tight , cocooning me in his arms . i 've never been so happy , and i know i never will be . i can deal with his past .	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i started as a roustabout , worked up to roughneck , and here i am , a derrick hand . '' `` roustabout to roughneck to derrick hand ? '' we speak our own language out there on the ocean . '' he absently picked at one of the grooves etched into the ancient countertop . you used to talk about becoming a teacher . '' she took a sip , nodding . `` i taught for a year , but then i had jared , my oldest son , and i wanted to stay at home with him . after that lynn was born and then ... we had a few years when a lot happened , including my dad passing away , a really tough time . '' she paused , conscious of how much she was leaving out , knowing it was n't the time or place to talk about bea . she straightened up , keeping her voice steady . `` a couple of years after that , annette came along , and by then there was no reason for me to go back to work . but i 've spent a lot of time over the past ten years volunteering at duke university hospital . i also do some fund-raising luncheons for them . it 's hard sometimes , but it makes me feel like i 'm making a little bit of difference . '' `` how old are your kids ? '' `` jared turns nineteen in august and just finished his first year of college , lynn is seventeen and starting her senior year . annette , my nine-year-old , just finished third grade . she 's a sweet and happy-go-lucky little girl . jared and lynn , on the other hand , are at the age when they think they know everything and i , of course , know absolutely nothing . '' `` in other words , you 're saying they 're kind of like we were ? '' she thought about it , her expression almost wistful . dawson fell silent , staring out the window , and she followed his gaze . the creek had turned the color of iron and the slow-moving water reflected the darkening skies . the old oak tree near the bank had n't changed much since the last time he 'd been here , but the dock had rotted away , leaving only the pilings . `` a lot of memories there , amanda , '' he observed , his voice soft . maybe it was the way he sounded when he said it , but she felt something click inside at his words , like a key turning in a distant lock . `` i know , '' she said at last . she paused , wrapping her arms around herself , and for a while the hum of the refrigerator was the only sound in the kitchen . the overhead light cast a yellowish glow on the walls , projecting their profiles in abstract shadows . `` i have a flight out early monday morning . i told frank i 'd be back on sunday . if my mom had her way , though , she would rather i had stayed in durham all weekend . she told me it was n't a good idea to come to the funeral . '' `` because she did n't like tuck . '' `` you mean she did n't like me . '' `` she never knew you , '' amanda said . `` she never gave you a chance . she always had ideas about the way i was supposed to live my life . what i might want never seemed to matter . even though i 'm an adult , she still tries to tell me what to do . she rubbed at the moisture on the jelly jar . `` a few years ago , i made the mistake of telling her that i 'd dropped in on tuck , and you would have thought that i 'd just committed a crime . she kept haranguing me , asking why i visited him , wanting to know what we talked about , all the while scolding me like i was still a child . so after that , i just stopped telling her about it . instead , i 'd tell her i was going shopping , or that i wanted to have lunch with my friend martha at the beach . martha and i were roommates in college and she lives in salter path , but even though we talk , i have n't actually seen her in years . i do n't want to deal with my mother 's prying questions , so i just lie to her . '' dawson swirled his tea , thinking about what she 'd said , watching as the drink finally went still again . `` as i was driving here , i could n't help thinking about my father , and how for him it was always about control . i 'm not saying your mom is anything like him , but maybe it 's just her way of trying to keep you from making a mistake . '' `` are you saying it was a mistake to visit tuck ? '' `` not for tuck , '' he said . it depends on what you hoped to find here , and only you can answer that . '' she felt a flash of defensiveness , but before she could respond the feeling gave way as she recognized the pattern they 'd shared so long ago .	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the crib , your baby , finally seeming to be asleep , truly resting , for once not coughing or wheezing and giving you a glimmer of hope , despite the pulse-ox readout of eighty-eight , when you know it has to be at least ninety-five before they 'll send her home . eventually , a kind of panicked claustrophobia sets in . it 's a claustrophobia of time , hour after hour in the tiny room , maybe venturing to the bathroom , choking down food and coffee , listlessly watching crap tv without really caring . you grow desperate for something to change , for healing to occur while you 're looking the other way , for the endless monotony to shift . and then you feel guilty for feeling bored when just there she 's still gasping , her chest still retracting , because if she 's not retracting , she might be getting better . eventually chase made me walk down to the cafeteria , just to get away for a minute . i hated him for making me leave , because i was positive something would happen while i was gone . interacting with people was an oddity suddenly . i was n't sure how long we 'd been in the hospital . my phone had long since died , and the only marker of time i had was staff shift changes and news broadcasts and which rerun was playing on the tv attached to the wall by a long swivel arm . in the cafeteria , i ordered two cheeseburgers and watched the cook as he flipped and pressed them . the cook was an enormous black man , easily six foot six and over three hundred pounds , a chef 's hat slouched sideways on his head . he moved with a slow , graceful economy , sure and efficient behind the counter . he wore loose clear plastic food service gloves , black and white checkered pants , a white coat-like shirt with two rows of buttons , over which was a spattered apron ; his sleeves were spotless , despite the myriad of stains on his apron . he gave me a hesitant smile as he slid the burgers onto buns and put them into styrofoam containers . his gaze shifted , and i saw understanding in his eyes . 'bout seven in the evenin ' . '' his voice was impossibly deep , gravelly , raspy . `` i 've been here for two and a half days . '' `` time turns into somethin ' odd in them rooms . makes you forget just about everythin ' but them that 's sick . '' he turned away , pulled the basket of fries out of the deep fryer , and shook them , then dumped them into a pan and sprinkled salt on them before scooping some into the to-go containers and handing them to me . `` what'chu here for ? '' `` my daughter has rsv . '' `` that shit is awful . my youngest had that . only three months old . '' `` mine is n't even two weeks old . '' i popped a scorching-hot fry into my mouth . he scratched his cheek with a huge finger . `` she 'll be okay , though . they come through it all right . kids are resilient , you know ? they bounce back . i got four kids , and all but one of 'em got that rsv . they all fine now . '' `` it 's hard to see , sometimes . '' it 's hard just sittin ' there . ca n't do nothin ' . that 's the hardest thing . '' i took a deep breath , nodding . `` that really is it , is n't it ? being helpless is awful . '' `` i know that 's true . '' he slapped the top of the counter with his paw and then waved at me . `` your girl 'll be fine , and so will you . '' i sat down and ate one of the burgers , dipping fries into ketchup squirted out of packets . i was halfway done when someone slid into the chair next to me . it was anna , in yoga pants and a loose sweater . i twisted in my seat to give my best friend a hug . she looked like how i felt : faded , exhausted , sore . `` caleb is still in the nicu . '' she snatched a fry from me . `` samantha has rsv . '' she snatched another fry , then rubbed one eye with the heel of her palm . `` i have n't even seen her , and she 's sick . '' `` is niall home , then ? '' jeff is home with her . i ... i have n't seen him in a week , except in passing . one of us is home , one of us is here . '' `` this is the first time i 've left the room in three days . '' i 'd finished my burger and was picking at the fries , but found i was n't hungry any longer . i pushed them to anna , who picked at them as well . `` can you believe this is us ? married , with babies ? '' anna laughed , shaking her head . i feel like a totally different person than i was three years ago . even one year ago . like , was that really you and me going to the bar every night ? getting drunk , hitting on guys ? '' `` i hit on guys .	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ben tried to argue with her , but she refused to change her mind . in the end , he placed her suitcase in the trunk of his car . when they arrived at the courthouse , helen , laura and bess were already gathered in the foyer outside judge rob-son 's courtroom . the three women rushed frantically to charlotte 's side . `` i 'm telling you right now , no one 's going to do a body search on me and live to tell about it , '' bess declared . she raised her hands in the familiar karate posture . their entire seniorcenter had taken self-defense lessons a few years back and bess had faithfully attended every class . `` have you been watching those karate kid videos again ? '' charlotte muttered . bess glared at her . `` i 'm not joking , charlotte . '' `` do you think the judge will let us bring our knitting needles into jail ? '' `` if you want the truth , i have several christmas projects i 'd like to start and frankly i could make good use of the downtime . '' just as charlotte began to reply , sharon castor strolled up to ben . `` this is everyone ? '' `` ben 's hired us legal representation , '' charlotte whispered to her friends . `` he seems to think all the judge will do is fine us . '' laura sounded disappointed . `` i was looking forward to prison . '' in contrast , bess folded her hands together and raised her eyes toward heaven . `` god bless ben . '' charlotte had to admit she was grateful not to have this entire matter fall upon her shoulders . she was the one who 'd led her friends into trouble , and she felt responsible for whatever befell them as a result . `` we 're up next , '' sharon castor announced . `` let 's go into the courtroom together . '' charlotte adjusted her hat . ben took her hand and the small party walked into the courtroom . sharon was in the lead , with bess , helen and laura marching right behind her , and charlotte and ben bringing up the rear . to charlotte 's astonishment , the courtroom was packed- standing room only . the first people to catch her attention were bob and peggy beldon from the thyme and tide bed and breakfast . `` we 're with you , charlotte , '' peggy called out . justine and her husband , seth , were there , too . seth held on to leif , who was almost two years old . the toddler squirmed in his father 's arms , but stilled when he saw charlotte . justine waved , and charlotte 's eyes blurred with tears , which she furiously blinked back . it seemed half the town had shown up to offer them support . enjoying their celebrity status , bess and helen waved as if they were prom queens walking in a fourth of july parade . charlotte asked , glancing up at ben who stood a full head taller than her five foot three . `` not at all , '' he confessed , looking around . `` even troy davis is here . '' the sheriff who 'd arrested them had turned up in court to support their efforts now . charlotte had always been fond of troy and was willing to forgive his error in judgment . then again , the dear boy had no choice but to arrest them when they 'd declined to break up their demonstration and disperse . he 'd sworn to uphold the law , whether he agreed with it or not . his presence this afternoon made his personal feelings very clear . `` roy and corrie mcafee are here , too , '' ben whispered . the mcafees were recent additions to the cedar cove community . roy was a former seattle police detective who 'd retired in cedar cove and opened his own agency as a private investigator . grace sherman stepped up to charlotte and gave her a hug . `` olivia asked me to stop by this afternoon , '' grace said close to charlotte 's ear . `` i did n't think you 'd mind if i invited a few library patrons to give you their support . '' charlotte squeezed grace 's hand . grace and olivia had been best friends nearly their entire lives . how like olivia to ask grace to fill in for her this afternoon , since she could n't be in court herself . for a very good reason , mind you , one charlotte fully approved of . olivia and jack were in hawaii on their honeymoon . the door at the back of the courtroom opened and in walked maryellen sherman , who found a seat next to her mother . jon bowman was with her , katie balanced on his hip . charlotte had taken a liking to the photographer and was pleased to hear those two would soon be married . high time , in her opinion , not that anyone had asked .	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despite being miles apart in so many ways , cynthia 's situation had created a little island where they could meet that had nothing to do with the worlds they lived in . his one attempt to show her his world had had startling results . he still was n't sure what had made him decide to walk out on the negotiations . he was satisfied he 'd made the right decision , but would he have done it if kathryn had n't been with him , if he had n't been anxious to spend the day with her ? and if he would n't have done it without her , what did that mean ? as he watched her sleep and marveled at the feeling of calm that filled him , he realized that for the first time since erin died he was thinking of sharing his life with a woman . he had n't intended to remarry . for one thing , he did n't have time to look for the right woman . for another , any future wife would have to love cynthia as much as he did . he was certain kathryn could . she was halfway there already . then there was the matter of his career . until cynthia got pregnant , he had n't considered cutting back , much less thought of doing something else . his work was the one thing that had never failed to give him that unqualified feeling of fulfillment . he realized there were many things that were more important to him . he had begun to wonder if his own happiness did n't require him to make a change . the need to succeed , to be accepted , to be recognized by others , had driven him so relentlessly there had n't been a question of doing anything else . until a few weeks ago the need had been to find more ways to achieve even more spectacular successes . while he was learning other things were more important to him , he also learned he did n't need the recognition of other people to know he was a success , to feel successful . and once he felt successful , the need to be successful began to ease . so many things had changed in these last few weeks , he hardly knew where to begin sorting out his feelings . but he knew kathryn was central to the changes . he also knew he could n't imagine never seeing her again . he had n't expected what he felt for her , but now he could n't imagine going back to his life the way it used to be . in retrospect it seemed empty . he could n't imagine how he could have felt it was full and satisfying . maybe one of the reasons he 'd worked so hard was to keep from facing the truth , from admitting he was n't happy . but he was happy now . he wanted to figure out how the courses of their far separated lives might be brought closer together . he still wanted to find out why kathryn was unhappy , what she was hiding from , refusing to face . he was certain that would be important to his future happiness . for the first time she could remember , kathryn was reluctant to go home . she did n't want the plane to land , to have to walk out of the airport and back into her life in charlotte . she was afraid that once she did that , the magic of the time she 'd shared with ron would slip away . it was n't that she had lost her interest in the girls . she was as determined as ever to help them . it was n't that she 'd lost her interest in the shelter . she could n't imagine not being there when the next young girl found herself pregnant with nowhere to go . but it was no longer enough . she 'd been telling herself for the last few years it did n't matter all that much that she could n't seem to find a man she could love . she did n't need a husband to feel complete and happy . she had her work which was very important , and she had her girls . and it had been until ron egan came barging into her life . in the beginning she 'd felt safe because she could n't compromise with his interest in his career . but now that he was starting to consider change , she kept telling herself there had to be a way to compromise , that she could find it if she looked hard enough . now she was too impatient to wait . she knew what she wanted , and she wanted it now . she did n't , however , know if she could live with the price she would have to pay . ron had always looked forward to seeing cynthia , but this time was special . for the first time in years , he felt he was really coming home . they had made a lot of progress that weekend in the mountains . whatever they needed to figure out , they would be able to do it now . `` i bet you 're anxious to get back , '' ron said to kathryn as the limousine pulled into the driveway . `` have you ever been away from your girls this long ? '' she had been so quiet ever since the plane landed he was worried she was upset . she had assured him she was n't , but something was wrong . he did n't need to be halfway in love with her to figure that out .	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`` we 're all grown up , and a more measured approach is called for , '' she said primly , setting the water bottle into a holder . `` i ca n't simply go to europe with you . that 's just ... unthinkable . as for my students , you already noted the school year 's over , and if the threat truly is stemming from my father 's case , it should be resolved by the time summer 's over . all logical . thank you for the offer , though . '' `` stop thanking me , '' he snapped , knowing too well the ways he 'd come up short in taking care of her and their child . this was his chance to make up for that , damn it , and he could n't let it pass him by . the limo cruised down the familiar roads of azalea with blessedly smaller potholes . not much had changed ; only a few of the mom-and-pop diners had folded into chain restaurants near a small mall . otherwise , this could have been a date of theirs years ago , driving around town in search of a spot to park and make out . they 'd both lost their virginity in the back of the bmw she 'd gotten for her sixteenth birthday . the memories ... damn ... too much to think about now while trying to keep his head clear . when he 'd come up with the plan to help her , he had n't expected to still want her , to be so pulled in by her . he 'd dated over the years and could have any woman he wanted . and still , here he was , aching to take this woman . had he gotten himself in too deep with his offer of protection ? the prospect of touring europe together , staying alone in hotels , suddenly did n't sound like such a smart idea . her voice drew him back to the present . `` why did you look me up now ? i truly do n't believe you 've watched my every move for nearly eighteen years . '' he had kept track of her over the years . but this time of year , thoughts of their shared past weighed heavier on his conscience . `` you 've been on my mind this week . it 's the time of year . '' celia 's eyes shut briefly before she acknowledged , `` her birthday . '' his throat closed , so he simply nodded . her face flooded with pain , the first deep and true emotion she 'd shown since he arrived . `` i signed the papers , too . '' he 'd given up all custodial rights to his child . he 'd known he had no choice , nothing to offer and no hope of offering her anything in the foreseeable future . he 'd been lucky not to be in jail , but the military reform school in north carolina had been a lockdown existence . `` but you did n't want to sign the papers . '' she touched his arm lightly , the careful poise in her eyes falling away to reveal a deep vulnerability . his willpower stretched to the limit as he fought back the urge to kiss away the pain in her eyes . `` it would have been selfish of me to hold out when i had no future and no way to provide for either of you . '' he shifted in his seat and let the question roll out that had plagued him all these years . `` and the two of us ? '' he pushed , studying her hand still resting on his wrist . her touch seared his skin with memories and , yes , a still-present desire to see if the flame between them burned as hot . `` do you think back and regret ? '' `` i regret that you were hurt . '' he covered her hand with his and held tight . `` come with me to europe . to stay safe . to ease stress for your old man . to put the past to rest . let me help you the way i could n't back then . '' she nibbled her bottom lip and he sensed that victory was so damn close ... . the limo eased to a stop in front of her home . she blinked fast and pulled her hand away . she gathered her computer bag from the floor . `` i need to go home , to think . this is all too much , too fast . '' she had n't said an outright no , and that would have to do for now . he would win in the end . he always did these days . his fame and position had benefits . he ducked out of the car and around to her side to walk her to her door . he did n't expect to come inside and stay the night , but he needed to be sure she was safe . his hand went to the small of her back by instinct as he guided her toward the little carriage house behind a columned mansion . `` you already know where i live ? '' in fact her life was too accessible . he 'd seen too much corruption in the world . this kind of openness made him itchy . although he had to confess to being surprised at her choice for a home . the larger , brick mansion was n't her father 's house , as he 'd half expected when he 'd first learned of where she lived .	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if you promise to do exactly as i asked of you , then i will keep an open mind about what you are saying and if there is a way out , without condemning you all , i will take it . no matter what happens , remember that i love you . i love you too , thats why i want you to fight for us to be a family for as long as we can . im sorry about what i said earlier , i didnt mean it . come on , we better get downstairs before they come looking for us . i turn and reach the door , but stop . jake when you are around your dad , you cant even think about what i have asked you . our connections are getting stronger and if the time comes , i dont want him having advanced notice to stop what may need to be done . i promise , but dont forget what i said either . i know you are right and nothing of that world is ever what it seems . as the children head to school with andrew , i call julian who is surprised that i feel well enough to talk but is happy that i called . he tells me that ruth was there to actually meet with him because she felt it was imperative that the childrens wing be built as soon as possible and even gave him the names of wonderful contractors and investment managers who are willing to donate some time to bring about this project . although geoffrey is not too happy considering he was hoping ruth would have convinced the board otherwise , it seems they are more committed than ever to satisfying the expectations of benefactors and members alike . i am relieved and thrilled to hear this . at least one thing is going as planned . hanging up , i am surprised to see cassandra when i turn . mia , i have to go and meet with a few individuals and andrew said it would be alright if i took your car . before i go , i want you to know that we will do everything that we can to protect jacob and alexander near the entrance , but what jacob said is right . although you are right to prepare , you dont have the full story yet , and not everything is as it seems . you cant discount anything . this battle is like nothing that we have ever fought upon this plane before and although you are willing to make certain sacrifices , you need to be open to every possibility , because the consequences of a misstep here will be fatal , not just to you and your family , but to the entire human race . cassandra , you need to protect yourself too . you are all my children . as i say this , a realization hits me and i feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach . is this what i do ? make children only to leave them on their own for one side or the other to claim . what kind of a monster am i ? the wonder why he has been able to pick you off so easily , deceive you into doing what you do . we will lose this fight if that is what you believe and you really will have a hand in bringing this world to the darkness . mia , you did not choose to leave me , you did not choose to leave anthony , and you did not choose to leave your other children . it is not your fault that some of them chose the darkness . that was their choice , not your doing . dont you understand that everything has always come down to a fight about free will ? you lost in those other lives because you have never believed that you have had a right to make your own choices , to exercise free will , to fight to stay with your children , fight for the right to stay in this world , fight to stay with andrew . you need to believe that now more than ever . even if what you say about the past is true , arent i choosing to leave my children again now ? you are making a choice to save them , to save humanity if the circumstances you fear arise . in the same way you and andrew both made a choice not to let anthony die when he tricked you into believing that darkness came to claim him . the same way that andrew thought that he was protecting me from the encroaching darkness taking over me when they came after you both . i dont understand , i let go of anthony so he wouldnt fall and andrew jumped trying to save me and then with you , i stopped fighting . her tone drips with disgust . no wonder he found it so easy to trick you into ending your time here . he didnt even have to send in his strongest fighters because you never felt you had a right to this world , a world other than the one he was trying to force you to enter . i nod and she leads me to the couch in the library . sitting down facing her , she touches my temple briefly . this is what you and andrew truly saw and which anthony could not have seen because of his humanity . it never seems to fail , you get some inclination just before he is able to rip you from this world . she seems to be talking more to herself . as she comes back from her contemplation , she places her hands back on my temple , closes her eyes and i do the same .	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`` i really thought you 'd never get over ash . i 'm surprised , '' she said under her breath then pulled down the mirror in front of her to peek back at lana and ethan . `` if it helps , i do n't think she 's that into him , '' she said , and then flipped the visor back up . `` find whatever you want to listen to , '' was my only response to her nosy comments . leann clicked her tongue grinning before leaning forward and scanning the channels . `` you know , ethan is a good guy . he does n't have any ulterior motives . '' grinding my teeth , i shook my head and shot her a warning glance . `` you used to be such a polite , nice guy sawyer vincent . you 've changed-a lot . '' i adjusted the rearview mirror so that lana was directly in my sight . the angry frustration melted away when she gave me a shy smile . winking , i glanced back at the road and decided the car would be the only place ethan got her away from me . he sure as hell better enjoy himself . `` is that ash or lana you 're checking up on ? '' leann asked from beside me . i realized i 'd forgot about ashton . ash was right behind me sitting beside beau . i reached up and adjusted the mirror just in time to see ash laugh and lay her head over on beau 's shoulder . the familiar ache returned . the laughter that had been sparkling in them vanished and a concerned sadness came over her face . i missed those eyes laughing up at me . gripping the steering wheel harder i focused my attention on the road instead of the girl i 'd always love behind me or her cousin who sent me into a lust fog every time she got close . `` you might wan na adjust that mirror , '' beau 's low warning came from behind me . if i could only hate him . because , i wanted to . reaching up , i fixed the mirror so that i could n't see either girl and turned up the song leann had chosen , break your little heart by all time low . lana `` i 'm glad you came with me tonight , '' ethan said , leaning into me a little . i tore my eyes off the back of sawyer 's head . `` thank you for asking me , '' i replied , hoping the disappointment in my voice was n't obvious . when ashton told me that sawyer had bought leann 's extra ticket and arranged for us all to ride together , i 'd hoped it had been because of me , not her . then he 'd gotten in the car and fixed his rearview mirror so he could see me and my heart had done a silly little flip . but within seconds he 'd adjusted it so he could see ashton instead . he had n't been looking at me when he winked ... he 'd been looking at ashton . beau had noticed too . ethan glanced back up at sawyer and sighed , `` not sure why he 's doing this . sorry but it looks like we 're going to have to witness more of the vincent boys ' drama tonight . sawyer is n't ever going to be able to let ashton go , even though she 's obviously let him go . '' the nausea that followed his words was n't surprising . i 'd been thinking the same thing but hearing it from someone else was hard . i was so sure sawyer had seen me today . i could feel his attraction to me . but then what did i know about guys and sex ? if any guy had his crotch pressed between a girl 's legs he 'd probably get hard . from what i 'd heard about guys , they could n't help it . sighing , i slunk back in my seat and crossed my legs . my hopes that tonight was about me were now gone . ethan deserved more than me being hung up on getting sawyer 's attention . after all , ethan , not sawyer , was the one paying for my meal and my ticket . `` i 've never been to a concert before , '' i told him wanting to change the subject . ethan 's eyes lit up , `` really ? so , i 'm your first , '' he said wagging his eyebrows teasingly . `` i guess you are , '' i replied in a flirty tone i 'd practiced at home alone in my room but never on an actual guy . his eyes widened for a second then he closed the small distance between us and slid his hand over my thigh to take my hand in his . because really , why should n't i ? once we arrived at the beachside restaurant , i 'd had time to get over my disappointment enough to enjoy myself , somewhat . if i had to watch sawyer moon over ashton all night i might end up in the bathroom with the need to hurl again . right now , however , i was good .	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will i know anyone in the staff this year ? susan asked as the two walked outside . you wont know any of the counselors . i think a couple were campers here when you worked for us . so , basically youre saying ill be the oldest counselor here ? susan already knew the answer . and the dining hall ? youll recognize a couple faces . but you know how it is here ; it tends to be a seasonal job for college students . im the only constant . fifteen minutes later , susan stood in the camp parking lot removing luggage from her cars trunk . she paused a moment and looked around , breathing in the fragrant mountain air . she guessed it was around seventy-two degrees . the afternoon sun was shining , partially blocked by stately evergreen trees . what sky she could see was blue and free of clouds . the only sounds were from the birds chirping nearby , an occasional rustle of a squirrel scampering up a nearby tree , or a pinecone falling to the ground . she knew it would be much noisier tomorrow when the girls started to arrive . the camp looked just as she remembereda collection of small log cabins surrounded by mature pine trees . some of her best memories had been made at camp shipley first as a camp guest and later as a camp counselor . this was a safe place for her ; it felt like home yet gave her the distance she needed from her everyday life so that she could figure out what road to take when summer came to an end . chapter nine it was late afternoon by the time susan settled into cabin five . like most of the other guest cabins , furnishing included a picnic table with bench seats , three dressers , three sets of bunk beds for the girls , and a full-sized bed with built in drawers for her , the cabin counselor . the cabin also boasted a worn couch and two leather chairs and an oak coffee table . accommodations were comfortable but not luxurious . since the mess hall would not start serving food until the next morning , susan had come prepared . two suitcases werent the only thing she rolled into the cabinthere was also an ice chest filled with sandwiches , snacks , fresh fruit , and beverages . after unpacking , susan grabbed a sandwich and bottle of water from her ice chest and set out for a walk . she headed toward the lake and away from the camps grounds . on route , she passed a number of privately owned cabins . no one lived year round on shipley mountain , although some locals lived fulltime in the small village at the base of the mountain . privately owned cabins at higher elevations were used as vacation homes or seasonal rental properties by their owners . it had been over six years since susan had been up to shipley mountain . during her marriage , shed tried to talk sam into renting a weekend cabin up at shipley , but he had never been interested . hed had no desire in sharing a nostalgic getaway with his then wife . as she made her leisurely walk toward the lake , she paused in front of a familiar cabin . smiling , she read the worn wooden sign affixed to the front of it : lewis and clark , minus clark . i guess that answers my question , susan said aloud . she had wondered if the lewises still owned their cabin on the mountain . she didnt see any cars in the driveway , so she assumed they werent up for the weekend , but then the front door opened , and a young blonde woman walked outside . dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt , the blonde woman didnt notice susan standing along the road beyond the split rail fence encircling her cabin . she kept glancing back at her front door while walking down the driveway . connie lewis ! susan called out when the woman was within hearing distance . the blonde paused a moment , glanced toward susan and cocked her head slightly as if trying to figure out a puzzle . she then started walking toward susan . connie will be out in a minute . oh my god , its ella ! you look just like your sister ! susan said excitedly . ella said with a smile . youre susan , right ? you were a counselor at camp shipleya friend of connies . you were in high school back then , susan said with a smile . i cant believe how much you look like your sister . i prefer to say connie looks like me , but whenever i mention that , she points out she was born first . so , what are you doing these days ? this time next year i will officially be a college graduateassuming of course i pass all my courses . what do you plan to do after graduation ? i have absolutely no idea , ella confessed . are you spending the summer up here ? kicking back until you head back to college ? i am spending the summer up herebut i got a summer job at camp shipley . youre a counselor ? lord no , ella laughed . im working in the mess hall .	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1323], ["need", 1334], ["needest", 1334], ["needed", 1334], ["everyday", 1352], ["life", 1357], ["lifes", 1357], ["figure", 1382], ["road", 1396], ["take", 1404], ["summer", 1416], ["summering", 1416], ["come", 1421], ["came", 1421], ["end", 1431], ["ends", 1431], ["endest", 1431], ["chapter", 1441], ["nine", 1446], ["late", 1458], ["lates", 1458], ["time", 1480], ["settle", 1494], ["settled", 1494], ["cabin", 1505], ["five", 1510], ["fived", 1510], ["furnish", 1561], ["furnishing", 1561], ["include", 1570], ["included", 1570], ["picnic", 1579], ["picnicked", 1579], ["picnicking", 1579], ["table", 1585], ["tabled", 1585], ["tabling", 1585], ["bench", 1596], ["benched", 1596], ["seat", 1602], ["seats", 1602], ["three", 1610], ["dressers", 1619], ["set", 1632], ["sets", 1632], ["bunk", 1640], ["bunks", 1640], ["bunked", 1640], ["bed", 1645], ["beds", 1645], ["full", 1672], ["sized", 1678], ["bed", 1682], ["build", 1693], ["builds", 1693], ["built", 1693], ["drawer", 1704], ["drawers", 1704], ["also", 1751], ["boast", 1759], ["boasted", 1759], ["wear", 1766], ["worn", 1766], ["couch", 1772], ["couchest", 1772], ["leather", 1788], ["chair", 1795], ["chairing", 1795], ["chairs", 1795], ["oak", 1806], ["coffee", 1813], ["accommodation", 1836], ["accommodations", 1836], ["comfortable", 1853], ["luxurious", 1871], ["since", 1879], ["mess", 1888], ["messed", 1888], ["messing", 1888], ["start", 1909], ["serve", 1917], ["serving", 1917], ["food", 1922], ["foods", 1922], ["next", 1937], ["morning", 1945], ["come", 1962], ["suitcase", 1987], ["suitcases", 1987], ["thing", 2009], ["roll", 2020], ["rolled", 2020], ["ice", 2056], ["iced", 2056], ["chest", 2062], ["fill", 2069], ["fills", 2069], ["filled", 2069], ["sandwich", 2085], ["sandwiches", 2085], ["snack", 2094], ["snacking", 2094], ["snacks", 2094], ["fresh", 2102], ["freshest", 2102], ["fruit", 2108], ["beverage", 2124], ["beverages", 2124], ["unpack", 2142], ["unpacking", 2142], ["grab", 2158], ["grabbed", 2158], ["sandwich", 2169], ["sandwiches", 2169], ["bottle", 2180], ["bottled", 2180], ["water", 2189], ["set", 2216], ["walk", 2231], ["head", 2244], ["headed", 2244], ["toward", 2251], ["lake", 2260], ["away", 2269], ["camp", 2284], ["camped", 2284], ["camps", 2284], ["ground", 2292], ["grounds", 2292], ["route", 2303], ["routed", 2303], ["routeing", 2303], ["pass", 2316], ["passed", 2316], ["number", 2325], ["numbering", 2325], ["privately", 2338], ["live", 2366], ["lived", 2366], ["round", 2377], ["although", 2408], ["local", 2420], ["locals", 2420], ["village", 2456], ["base", 2468], ["basest", 2468], ["high", 2519], ["elevation", 2530], ["elevations", 2530], ["use", 2540], ["used", 2540], ["vacation", 2552], ["home", 2558], ["homing", 2558], ["homes", 2558], ["rental", 2577], ["property", 2588], ["properties", 2588], ["owner", 2604], ["owners", 2604], ["six", 2627], ["year", 2633], ["years", 2633], ["marriage", 2699], ["shed", 2706], ["try", 2712], ["tryed", 2712], ["tried", 2712], ["talk", 2720], ["sam", 2724], ["rent", 2737], ["renting", 2737], ["weekend", 2747], ["never", 2786], ["interested", 2802], ["desire", 2822], ["share", 2833], ["nostalgic", 2845], ["getaway", 2853], ["getaways", 2853], ["wife", 2872], ["leisurely", 2900], ["front", 2943], ["familiar", 2957], ["smile", 2973], ["smiling", 2973], ["read", 2984], ["reads", 2984], ["wooden", 3000], ["sign", 3005], ["affix", 3013], ["affixed", 3013], ["affixes", 3013], ["lewis", 3040], ["clark", 3050], ["minus", 3058], ["minuses", 3058], ["guess", 3074], ["answer", 3087], ["answeres", 3087], ["answerest", 3087], ["answers", 3087], ["question", 3099], ["say", 3112], ["sayest", 3112], ["said", 3112], ["aloud", 3118], ["wonder", 3137], ["wonderest", 3137], ["wondered", 3137], ["lewis", 3152], ["still", 3158], ["driveway", 3233], ["assume", 3250], ["assumes", 3250], ["assumed", 3250], ["door", 3307], ["open", 3314], ["opened", 3314], ["young", 3328], ["youngest", 3328], ["blonde", 3335], ["woman", 3341], ["womans", 3341], ["dress", 3366], ["dressest", 3366], ["dressed", 3366], ["jean", 3375], ["jeans", 3375], ["flannel", 3389], ["shirt", 3395], ["notice", 3427], ["stood", 3442], ["stand", 3442], ["standest", 3442], ["standing", 3442], ["along", 3448], ["beyond", 3464], ["split", 3474], ["rail", 3479], ["fence", 3485], ["encircle", 3496], ["encircling", 3496], ["keep", 3517], ["keepest", 3517], ["kept", 3517], ["glance", 3526], ["glancing", 3526], ["back", 3531], ["walk", 3563], ["walking", 3563], ["connie", 3590], ["call", 3611], ["called", 3611], ["within", 3641], ["hearing", 3649], ["glance", 3697], ["glanced", 3697], ["cock", 3721], ["cockest", 3721], ["cocked", 3721], ["head", 3730], ["slightly", 3739], ["try", 3752], ["tryed", 3752], ["trying", 3752], ["puzzle", 3775], ["minute", 3848], ["oh", 3853], ["god", 3860], ["ella", 3871], ["ellas", 3871], ["look", 3882], ["sister", 3904], ["excitedly", 3927], ["smile", 3952], ["right", 3974], ["rightest", 3974], ["friend", 4021], ["connie", 4032], ["high", 4051], ["school", 4058], ["schooling", 4058], ["believe", 4111], ["prefer", 4157], ["prefered", 4157], ["preferest", 4157], ["say", 4164], ["sayest", 4164], ["look", 4177], ["looks", 4177], ["whenever", 4200], ["mention", 4210], ["point", 4228], ["points", 4228], ["bore", 4245], ["bear", 4245], ["bearest", 4245], ["born", 4245], ["day", 4288], ["days", 4288], ["officially", 4328], ["course", 4368], ["pass", 4375], ["course", 4390], ["courses", 4390], ["plan", 4409], ["graduation", 4432], ["absolutely", 4452], ["idea", 4460], ["confess", 4477], ["confessest", 4477], ["confessed", 4477], ["spend", 4496], ["spends", 4496], ["spendest", 4496], ["kick", 4525], ["kicking", 4525], ["get", 4605], ["got", 4605], ["lord", 4661], ["laugh", 4679], ["laughed", 4679], ["work", 4692], ["wrought", 4692], ["working", 4692]]
now we 're on the ground , sitting on a sunny green suburban lawn . a morbidly obese couple barbecues human limbs in the background . i try to keep julie in focus . 'i 'm changing , ' i tell her . 'i do n't care , ' she replies . 'i 'm home now . i 'm back in the real world , where you do n't exist . summer camp is over . ' a winged mercedes rumbles past in the distant sky and vanishes in a muffled sonic boom . 'i 'm gone , ' she says , staring me hard in the eyes . 'it was fun , but it 's over now . this is how things go . ' i shake my head , avoiding her gaze . 'i 'm not ready . ' 'what did you think was going to happen ? ' i was just hoping for something . a miracle . ' 'miracles do n't exist . there is cause and effect , dreams and reality , living and dead . your hope is absurd . your romanticism , embarrassing . ' i look at her uneasily . 'it 's time for you to grow up . julie has gone back to her position , and you will go back to your position , and that is the way it is . always will be . ' she grins , and her teeth are jagged yellow fangs . she kisses me , gnawing through my lips , biting out my teeth , gnashing up towards my brain and screaming like a dying child . i gag on my hot red blood . my eyes flash open and i stand up , pushing dripping branches out of my face . the rain is still pummelling the earth . i step out of the trees and climb up onto the overpass . i lean against the railing , looking out at the empty freeway and the dark horizon beyond it . one thought pounds in my head like a migraine of rage : you 're wrong . you fucking monsters are wrong . out of the corner of my eye , i glimpse a silhouette on the other side of the overpass . the dark form moves towards me with steady , lumbering steps . i hunch my muscles together , preparing for a fight . after wandering alone for too long , the unincorporated dead will sometimes lose the ability to distinguish their own kind from the living . and some are so far gone , so deep into this way of life , they just do n't care either way . they will eat anyone , anything , anywhere , because they ca n't fathom any other way to interact . i imagine one of these creatures surprising julie as she stops the mercedes to get her bearings , wrapping filthy hands around her face and biting down on her slender neck , and as that image ferments in my head , i prepare to tear this thing in front of me to unrecognisable shreds . the primordial rage that fills me every time i think of someone harming her is frightening . the violence of killing and eating people feels like friendly teasing compared to this consuming bloodlust . the towering shadow staggers closer . a flash of lightning illuminates its face , and i drop my arms to my sides . i almost fail to recognise him at first . his face has been torn and clawed , and there are countless small chunks bitten out of his body . 'hey , ' he grunts . the rain streaks down his face and pools in his wounds . 'let 's ... get out of ... rain . ' he walks past my leaky trees and climbs down the slope to the freeway below . i follow him to the dry space under the overpass . we huddle there in the dirt , surrounded by old beer cans and syringes . 'what ... doing ... he ... out ... out here ? ' i ask him , fighting for the words . i 've been silent less than a day and i 'm already rusty . 'take ... guess , ' m says , pointing at his wounds . 'boneys . drove me out . ' m grunts . 'fuck ... he kicks a sun-faded beer can . 'but guess ... something like a smile illuminates his mangled face . 'some ... came with me . ' he points down the freeway , and i see about nine other figures moving slowly towards us . i look at m , confused . 'came ... with ? 'things ... crazy ... back home . routines ... shook . ' 'you and ... her . something ... in air . movement . ' the nine zombies stop under the overpass and stand there , looking at us blankly . they sway and groan a little . 'where 's ... m asks me . 'her name is julie . ' this comes off my tongue fluidly , like a swish of warm camomile . 'ju ... lie , ' m repeats with some effort . where 's ... 'left . went home . ' m studies my face . he drops a hand onto my shoulder . i close my eyes and take a slow breath .	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["yellow", 1058], ["fang", 1064], ["fangs", 1064], ["kiss", 1077], ["kisses", 1077], ["kissest", 1077], ["gnaw", 1090], ["gnawing", 1090], ["lip", 1106], ["lipped", 1106], ["lips", 1106], ["bite", 1115], ["biting", 1115], ["gnash", 1139], ["gnashing", 1139], ["towards", 1150], ["brain", 1159], ["brained", 1159], ["braining", 1159], ["scream", 1173], ["screams", 1173], ["screaming", 1173], ["like", 1178], ["die", 1186], ["dying", 1186], ["child", 1192], ["childs", 1192], ["gag", 1200], ["hot", 1210], ["red", 1214], ["blood", 1220], ["bloods", 1220], ["blooded", 1220], ["flash", 1236], ["open", 1241], ["stood", 1253], ["stand", 1253], ["standest", 1253], ["push", 1266], ["pushing", 1266], ["dripping", 1275], ["branch", 1284], ["branchest", 1284], ["branches", 1284], ["face", 1299], ["rain", 1310], ["still", 1319], ["pummel", 1330], ["pummeling", 1330], ["pummelling", 1330], ["earth", 1340], ["earths", 1340], ["earthest", 1340], ["step", 1349], ["tree", 1366], ["treed", 1366], ["treeing", 1366], ["trees", 1366], ["climb", 1376], ["onto", 1384], ["ontos", 1384], ["overpass", 1397], ["lean", 1406], ["leans", 1406], ["railing", 1426], ["look", 1436], ["looking", 1436], ["empty", 1453], ["freeway", 1461], ["dark", 1474], ["horizon", 1482], ["beyond", 1489], ["thought", 1506], ["pound", 1513], ["pounds", 1513], ["migraine", 1540], ["rage", 1548], ["wrong", 1564], ["fucking", 1578], ["monster", 1587], ["monsters", 1587], ["corner", 1617], ["eye", 1627], ["eyed", 1627], ["glimpse", 1639], ["glimpses", 1639], ["silhouette", 1652], ["silhouetted", 1652], ["silhouetting", 1652], ["side", 1670], ["sidest", 1670], ["form", 1702], ["formest", 1702], ["move", 1708], ["moves", 1708], ["steady", 1731], ["lumber", 1743], ["lumbering", 1743], ["step", 1749], ["steps", 1749], ["hunch", 1759], ["hunches", 1759], ["muscle", 1770], ["muscles", 1770], ["together", 1779], ["prepare", 1791], ["preparing", 1791], ["fight", 1803], ["fightest", 1803], ["wander", 1821], ["wandering", 1821], ["alone", 1827], ["long", 1840], ["longs", 1840], ["unincorporated", 1861], ["lose", 1886], ["ability", 1898], ["distinguish", 1913], ["distinguished", 1913], ["kind", 1928], ["far", 1966], ["deep", 1981], ["deeply", 1981], ["life", 2003], ["lifes", 2003], ["either", 2034], ["eat", 2054], ["anyone", 2061], ["anything", 2072], ["anywhere", 2083], ["ca", 2101], ["cas", 2101], ["fathom", 2112], ["fathoms", 2112], ["interact", 2138], ["imagine", 2150], ["creature", 2173], ["creatures", 2173], ["surprising", 2184], ["stop", 2203], ["stops", 2203], ["mercedes", 2216], ["get", 2223], ["bearing", 2236], ["bearings", 2236], ["wrap", 2247], ["wraps", 2247], ["wrapping", 2247], ["filthy", 2254], ["hand", 2260], ["hands", 2260], ["around", 2267], ["slender", 2307], ["neck", 2312], ["necked", 2312], ["image", 2332], ["imaged", 2332], ["imaging", 2332], ["ferment", 2341], ["ferments", 2341], ["prepare", 2364], ["tear", 2372], ["teared", 2372], ["thing", 2383], ["front", 2392], ["unrecognisable", 2416], ["shred", 2423], ["shreds", 2423], ["primordial", 2440], ["fill", 2456], ["fills", 2456], ["every", 2465], ["harm", 2497], ["harmest", 2497], ["harming", 2497], ["frightening", 2516], ["violence", 2531], ["kill", 2542], ["killing", 2542], ["eat", 2553], ["eating", 2553], ["people", 2560], ["feel", 2566], ["feels", 2566], ["friendly", 2580], ["teasing", 2588], ["compare", 2597], ["compared", 2597], ["consume", 2615], ["consuming", 2615], ["bloodlust", 2625], ["tower", 2640], ["towered", 2640], ["towerest", 2640], ["towering", 2640], ["shadow", 2647], ["shadowed", 2647], ["stagger", 2656], ["staggerest", 2656], ["staggers", 2656], ["close", 2663], ["closer", 2663], ["lightning", 2686], ["illuminate", 2698], ["illuminates", 2698], ["drop", 2720], ["arm", 2728], ["arms", 2728], ["side", 2740], ["sidest", 2740], ["sides", 2740], ["almost", 2751], ["fail", 2756], ["recognise", 2769], ["first", 2782], ["firstest", 2782], ["tear", 2807], ["teared", 2807], ["torn", 2807], ["claw", 2818], ["clawed", 2818], ["countless", 2844], ["small", 2850], ["chunk", 2857], ["chunked", 2857], ["chunks", 2857], ["bite", 2864], ["bitten", 2864], ["body", 2880], ["bodied", 2880], ["hey", 2887], ["grunt", 2901], ["streak", 2920], ["streaks", 2920], ["streaked", 2920], ["pool", 2944], ["pools", 2944], ["wind", 2958], ["wound", 2958], ["wounding", 2958], ["wounds", 2958], ["let", 2965], ["lets", 2965], ["walk", 3005], ["walks", 3005], ["leaky", 3019], ["leakier", 3019], ["leakiest", 3019], ["climb", 3036], ["climbs", 3036], ["slope", 3051], ["sloping", 3051], ["follow", 3083], ["dry", 3098], ["drier", 3098], ["drying", 3098], ["space", 3104], ["spaced", 3104], ["spacing", 3104], ["huddle", 3135], ["dirt", 3153], ["surround", 3166], ["surrounded", 3166], ["old", 3173], ["beer", 3178], ["syrinx", 3196], ["syringes", 3196], ["ask", 3252], ["fight", 3267], ["fightest", 3267], ["word", 3281], ["words", 3281], ["silent", 3301], ["less", 3306], ["day", 3317], ["already", 3334], ["rusty", 3340], ["take", 3348], ["guess", 3358], ["point", 3380], ["pointing", 3380], ["boney", 3404], ["drive", 3412], ["drove", 3412], ["fuck", 3440], ["kick", 3453], ["kicks", 3453], ["sun", 3459], ["suns", 3459], ["sunned", 3459], ["fade", 3465], ["faded", 3465], ["smile", 3514], ["mangle", 3538], ["mangled", 3538], ["come", 3560], ["came", 3560], ["point", 3582], ["points", 3582], ["see", 3611], ["nine", 3622], ["figure", 3636], ["figures", 3636], ["move", 3643], ["moving", 3643], ["slowly", 3650], ["confuse", 3686], ["confused", 3686], ["confusing", 3686], ["crazy", 3723], ["routine", 3748], ["routined", 3748], ["routines", 3748], ["shake", 3758], ["shook", 3758], ["air", 3802], ["airs", 3802], ["airing", 3802], ["movement", 3813], ["zombie", 3834], ["zombied", 3834], ["zombies", 3834], ["stop", 3839], ["blankly", 3898], ["sway", 3910], ["swayed", 3910], ["groan", 3920], ["groans", 3920], ["groanest", 3920], ["groaning", 3920], ["little", 3929], ["ask", 3952], ["asks", 3952], ["name", 3967], ["come", 3991], ["comes", 3991], ["tongue", 4005], ["tonguing", 4005], ["fluidly", 4013], ["swish", 4028], ["swishest", 4028], ["warm", 4036], ["camomile", 4045], ["ju", 4051], ["lay", 4059], ["lie", 4059], ["lain", 4059], ["repeat", 4073], ["repeatest", 4073], ["repeats", 4073], ["effort", 4090], ["left", 4111], ["leave", 4111], ["go", 4118], ["goest", 4118], ["went", 4118], ["study", 4137], ["studies", 4137], ["drop", 4156], ["drops", 4156], ["hand", 4163], ["shoulder", 4180], ["shouldered", 4180], ["close", 4190], ["slow", 4214], ["breath", 4221], ["breathest", 4221]]
`` come here , '' he said quietly , pulling her back to him . he let his hand wander over her hip and down her leg before caressing his way back up to her shoulder . `` i ca n't profess to know what lucas was thinking . i do n't know the man . you know him a hell of a lot better . i ca n't muster the same outrage as you because i 've gotten precisely what i want . `` would you have ever done what he did ? '' but maybe i 'm more of a selfish bastard than he is . maybe he feels like he 's doing what 's best for you . i , on the other hand , would go to hell and back before i ever willingly gave you to another man . i let you go once , ren . if you think i 'm just going to stand back and let you walk away this time , you 're mistaken . i 'll fight with everything i have . '' the determined words slipped into the tiny cracks in her heart like alcohol over a cut . `` he did n't fight for me , '' she whispered . `` he just let me go . like you did before . '' `` i 'm not letting you go now , ren . have you ever considered that lucas is merely giving you space so that you can make a choice ? it chaps my ass to give him any credit whatsoever , but i believe he just wants you to be happy . he damn sure did n't give you to me because he has any love for me . '' ren pulled her head back again and then reached up to touch cole 's face . she traced his bone structure and feathered her fingertip over his mouth . `` yes , he gave me to you for two weeks . he knows i loved you . and he wants me to make a choice ? has it ever occurred to either of you that no matter who i chose , i would be devastated ? '' `` i feel manipulated , cole . i feel like i 'm being told that this should be easy . i 've been with lucas for a year . i trust him every bit as much as i trusted you when we were together . i loved you with all my heart . i was crushed when you left me . what lucas and i have is undefinable . what you and i had was equally undefinable . i 'm supposed to spend two weeks with you and then cheerfully choose between two men who 've meant more to me than any other man i 've ever had a relationship with ? '' `` i ca n't keep you here against your will , '' cole said quietly . it was n't what she 'd expected him to say . her shoulders sagged like deflated balloons . she rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling . he 'd put the ball in her court . she may cede all the power in the relationship to a man , but it was her choice . `` make your decision , ren . i 'll give you tonight to deal with your upset . i 'll expect your decision in the morning . if you choose to go , i 'll make sure you get to where you want to go . '' she reached up to touch her neck where the collar had rested for the last year . her fingers trembled against her bare skin . `` if you stay , you 'll submit to me . you 'll be mine for the entire two weeks . '' he rolled onto his side so that he faced her . she glanced over to see the intensity reflected in those blue pools . `` then you have a decision to make . '' chapter 17 cole made no move toward her even though they slept in the same bed . he made no demands of her . in fact , he did n't so much as touch her . after he 'd told her she had a decision to make , he 'd simply rolled over , turned off the lamp and then settled down to sleep . she , on the other hand , remained awake , staring into the darkness as she contemplated her circumstances . she was completely befuddled by the turn of events . when lucas had first told her that he was giving her to cole , her emotions had been in a whirlwind . nothing had been right ever since that night at the house when cole had walked back into her life . it was hard to see past her hurt and betrayal , but after an entire night staring at the ceiling , she was beginning to realize what lucas must have seen in her . and why he 'd made the decision he made . lucas was n't the type to demand attention . or loyalty . if you were with him , yes , absolutely he expected your entire focus , your loyalty and obedience . but he was n't going to make you do anything you were n't committed to . he must have known what cole 's reappearance had done to her . her distraction would n't have pleased him . what surprised her more was the way he 'd handled it . with such gentleness and understanding . was he afraid of losing her ? or was he resigned ?	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even with the platform heels on her beige sandals , she knew her feet-and likely more-were going to get soaked . she 'd tucked a small umbrella into her handbag this morning , just in case , but she 'd been betting it would n't rain when she 'd chosen what to wear . the weather report had said showers were n't in the forecast until the wee hours of the morning . her one hope was hailing a cab , but she knew one would be scarce in this kind of weather , and in any case , on her salary , taxis were a luxury she tried to avoid . the only alternative was walking to the subway and then making the long hike from the train station to her apartment . as she stood there , hugging herself for warmth and debating her options , the tavern door behind her opened . she turned and glanced up . paradoxically , she felt embarrassed-as if she were the one running out on him , when in reality he had n't sought her out again . `` i thought you 'd already left , '' she blurted . `` i did , but i came back in . i was conversing with the ceo of metasky outside , where we could hear each other and speak with more privacy . '' `` it was n't raining then . '' he asked again , glancing down at her . she tried for some belated dignity , even as a gust of wind pelted her with raindrops . i 'm just debating whether to walk , row or swim home . '' `` what about a car instead ? '' `` how are we ever going to catch an empty cab in this weather ? '' she knew that rain made new york city taxis disappear . she watched as james scanned the street . two cabs passed them but their lit signs indicated that they were occupied . as the two of them waited , they made idle chitchat . close to fifteen minutes later , by a stroke of luck , james spotted a cab letting out a passenger beyond the nearest intersection . he moved swiftly from the shelter of the awning and into the street when the empty cab started to make its way down their block . he raised his arm , a commanding presence , and hailed the cab . as the rain continued to assault him , he opened the taxi 's door and motioned for her to step in . he called as she hurried toward him . `` i 'll tell the driver . '' she called it out to him , realizing that he had an excuse to find out where she lived . he made everything appear smooth , charming and effortless . do you want to share a cab ? '' she asked as she reached him . `` you 're getting drenched ! i should have offered you the umbrella in my bag but you stepped out so suddenly . '' she could n't stop the flow of words , though she knew she was nearly babbling . she had no idea what direction was home for him , but it seemed churlish not to offer to share the cab that he 'd hailed for her . yet again , he 'd handily managed to accomplish something she herself often found difficult , being petite and certainly less imposing . james looked at her and his lips quirked . even with his hair getting matted by the rain and his face wet , he looked unbelievably handsome . she was n't sure if he meant to accept her offer , but once she entered the confines of the cab , she slid across the seat so he would have room to join her . a moment later , he slid in beside her , folding his tall frame onto the bench seat and answering her unvoiced question . she felt relief and a happy flutter , even as she also experienced a sense of nervous awareness . she had never left a bar with a man before-she was cautious . but then again , no man had attempted to pick her up in a bar before . `` i live on first avenue in the high eighties , '' she cautioned james belatedly as he closed the car door . i do n't know in what direction you need to head . '' `` it 's no problem , '' he said easily . `` i 'll see you home first . '' she noticed that he did n't divulge whether she was taking him out of his way or not . he leaned forward to the partition separating the front from the backseat and told the cab driver her address . and in no time at all , they were speeding through manhattan 's wet and half-empty streets . they were content to make some more desultory chitchat as the car ate up the distance to her apartment . she discovered that he was thirty-three to her twenty-four-not ancient by any means , but older and more worldly than the boys she 'd dated back in high school and college in pennsylvania . perhaps in order to make the gulf between them seem less so , she shared her dream of opening her own wedding planning business . surely , he would n't think of her as so young and inexperienced if he knew she had plans to be a business owner . he showed enthusiasm for her plans and encouraged her to proceed with them .	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i may have told her she was free , but i was also set free , lia . how can i hold that lifeless woman responsible ? she has punished herself far more than i would ever want to punish any person . she was wrong in what she did to me , but she 's more than paid the price . '' shane pulled lia into his arms and held on tight . her freshness , love , and loyalty held him on the ground , kept his heartbeat steady . with lia , he could get through anything . chapter forty-one ari something woke ari far too early in the morning . she did n't know what , but before she could open her eyes , she could smell the sweet scent of flowers . as she sleepily took in the room , she lay there with her mouth agape . looking around in shock , she could n't see a single bare place on any of the tables in the room . they were filled with vase after vase of her favorite flowers , stargazer lilies . the beautiful pink-and-white flowers were everywhere , mixed with roses , lilacs , carnations and delicate greenery . the sight was so beautiful , ari wished for a moment that she were a poet or a painter rather than a historian . she called , but there was n't an answer . she turned to glance at the clock on the night stand and noted that it was midnight . not morning , at all . they 'd gone to bed only a couple hours before . how had he managed to decorate the room while she was there sleeping ? crawling slowly from his giant bed , she moved through the room , smelling the beautiful bouquets . on each one , there was a note attached . there had to be a hundred notes . she opened the first : your smile is a beacon on a stormy night . she rushed quickly to the next envelope : my heart is n't whole without you . she moved through the room , opening note after note . your beauty is unparalleled . you make every day a delight . nothing makes me happier than to have you in my arms . your intelligence is breathtaking . ari clutched note after note in her hand , collecting them all , a shy smile splitting her face . when she entered the bathroom , more flowers awaited her , along with burning candles , their scent flavoring the air . on the mirror another note was written in what appeared to be a permanent marker . his housekeeper would n't be happy , but ari was thrilled . get dressed and come out the front door . ari did n't hesitate ; she rushed back into his room and found a stunning blue dress hanging in the closet , along with fresh lingerie and stockings , and a pair of heels she fell instantly in love with . dressing quickly , she then hurriedly put on a minimum of makeup , brushed out her hair and threw the bedroom door open . tears filled her eyes when she saw that the hallway was lined with more bouquets , all sporting notes , all in rafe 's handwriting . she wanted to rush out the door , but she took her time gathering the notes , opening each one and cherishing the words of his heart 's confession . some were little quotes from texts and messages he 'd sent her , some spoke of her beauty and talent , and some simply said , i love you . each one she clutched in her hand , knowing she would forever hold on to them . when she reached the stairs , she found large vases with more bouquets , and candles on every other step to guide her way down . her collection of notes kept getting larger . at the door , a man in a tux waited for her with a glass of champagne in his hand . she thanked him as she accepted the glass , then beamed when she saw the sparkling white limo in the driveway . another well-dressed man waited there . he opened the door for her , holding her glass while she got in . expecting to see rafe inside , she was disappointed to find herself alone . the man handed her the champagne , then gently shut the door . when the engine started , a video began with the most tender piano solo playing in the background , and rafe 's face appeared on the large screen . `` there are n't enough words in the dictionary for me to express how you have changed my life for the better , ari . i was a fool for a long time , and yet you have given me a second chance . i promise you that i will never betray your trust again . i promise never to hurt you . i promise to do everything in my power to make you supremely happy . '' he faded away , and her mother appeared on the screen , her face beaming . ari felt as if she could reach out and touch her . `` my beautiful daughter . you have always brought me so much joy . i am so very proud of you and all that you do for those you love , and for those who love you . if more people in the world were like you , there would n't be war or hunger . there would n't be crime .	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the hard tone in her voice worried me but we did n't have time to deal with this right now . the longer i stood here the worse this was going to get . i 'd make this up to her later today . i was also going to threaten to check nan into a mental hospital until she stopped threatening to off herself . then we were going back to rosemary . blaire over the next few days things went from tense to bad to worse . rush hardly stayed at the mansion . when he did it was short lived . nan and kiro always fought and she went off running . rush was right behind her . i knew this was the reason we had come here but i had n't expected this . nan was really more of an immature child than i realized . kiro was an ass . harlow saw it and she dealt with it . she was n't storming around the house yelling about being unloved . she mostly stayed tucked away in her room and read . every once in a while she would come outside with me when it was warm enough . i missed rush . i missed seeing him smile . he was n't doing much of that anymore . i had mentioned last night that maybe he needed to give nan some room to pitch a fit and let her see that he was n't going to come running . see how she handled it . he 'd gotten frustrated with me . `` she 's threatening to kill herself , blaire . i do n't believe she 'd do it either but i still ca n't ignore it . someone has to give a shit . that someone is me . i had n't said anything more after that . he did n't want to listen to me and i did n't want him to snap at me . it was wearing on me . the whole situation was . i was beginning to understand why harlow hid away . twice now i 'd walked in on kiro screwing some girl who looked my age . not a mental picture i wanted . he just did it wherever he pleased . i 'd learned to stay the heck away from the game room . that pool table was not used for pool . a knock on my door broke into my thoughts and for once i was glad . i did n't want to think about the distance between me and rush right now . harlow stuck her head in the room . `` want to go out to the pool with me ? dad is n't home so no sexcapades are going on out there , '' she said with a shy smile . we had also walked out on kiro nak*d in the pool with not one but two girls . that had been awkward . he 'd laughed so loudly i was sure his neighbors could hear him . instead of being embarrassed or ashamed of his behavior he thought it was hilarious . i 'll get on my swimsuit and meet you out there , '' i told her . harlow was the only good thing about this place . i was ready to go back to rosemary and i was ready to have my rush back instead of this angry uptight one that had taken his place . but i was going to miss harlow . i quickly changed into my swimsuit and pulled on my cover-up on before heading down to the pool . it was an elaborate piece of work . the waterfalls and water fountain in the middle were just the icing . the detail and thought that had been put into this pool made it truly look like something out of an exotic rainforest somewhere . it was soothing just to look at . harlow was sitting on a lounger reading from her ereader when i got down there . i took the seat beside her and stretched out my legs . today was the warmest day we had had so far . it was eighty degrees . crazy considering it was two days until december . i started to ask harlow about how they celebrated the holidays when something stopped me . the cramping was back . i pulled my knees up and cradled my stomach trying real hard not to cry . i had wanted to tell rush about this after the last time but before i 'd had a chance he 'd left with nan again . harlow asked from beside me . a tear slipped through and i hated that she was about to see me like this . harlow moved over to sit on the edge of my lounger and studied me . harlow frowned and glanced around . `` where is rush ? '' `` gone to check on nan , '' i replied as my stomach cramped up again and i winced . harlow stood up . `` i do n't think pregnant women are supposed to wince and cry from pain . we need to go have you checked on . i can drive you to my doctor . he 's a real big fan of daddy 's so he 'll see you without an appointment . i 'll call his office on our way . '' i did n't want to be the one overreacting . so having harlow do it for me made the decision easier . i nodded and let her take my hand and help me up .	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none of the above meant i trusted royce completely . cheating ... why did men do it ? why did any man think it was okay to trample on a woman 's heart by lying to her and giving the best of himself to a woman other than his wife ? it was n't acceptable . it was disgusting and disrespectful , vile and wretched . when royce arrived the next morning , my eyes were still red and puffy . i hated that i was leaving town . there was so much i needed to do : follow nora , take pictures of her with my stepdad and , of course , the most important item on my list , kill jonathan . maybe i needed this trip , though . royce always proved a good distraction . plus , my mom kept calling me , and i kept ignoring her . i 'd even turned off the ringer . i could n't lie to her and tell her i 'd found nothing , but i could n't tell her what i had found . not while she could deny it . i pulled open the front door to see royce . he held out what must have been four dozen orchids , a mixture of yellow , white , pink and blue petals . caught off guard , i was momentarily incapable of speech . `` i know blue is your favorite color , so i had some of the petals dyed . '' i 'm sure my expression was horrified as i accepted the bouquet , holding it in my hands like it was a stink bomb about to go off . richard the bastard always brought me flowers-always red roses-when he 'd done something wrong . my heart fluttered , though , because this felt different . royce had gone to so much trouble , had thought about my individual tastes . and he 'd done it to make me feel better , i suspected , not to throw me off the scent of his bad behavior . `` i had to search the whole damn state for those , '' he told me . `` they 're beautiful , '' i said softly . `` if you start crying , i 'll be forced to cut out my heart and give it to you . i pushed out a breath and gazed down at the dewy , sweet petals . `` thank you for , well , everything . '' he grinned , a bit of self-deprecation hanging at the edges of his lips . `` i was going to give you a list of to-do chores , but everything on the list was raunchy and i 'd rather wait until you 're receptive to give you something like that . '' i laughed ; i just could n't help myself . and it felt good , forgetting my troubles , releasing my tension and simply enjoying him . royce asked gently . what kind of present ? '' he brushed past me , turned , then placed a brand new blue-jay in my free hand . `` i noticed yours had sprouted wings and flown itself out of your window , so i thought you 'd like another one . '' `` let me put these in water first . '' without a backward glance , i strode away . once in the kitchen , i stuffed the bluejay under a stack of magazines ( never to look at it again ! ) and arranged the orchids in my favorite crystal vase . a fresh , dewy scent washed over me . i closed my eyes and savored it , holding my breath for as long as i could , then releasing it . i liked that royce had gone to so much trouble for me . but i hated it , too . i was beginning to feel all mushy inside . frowning , i practically shoved the arrangement onto the table as a centerpiece , then moved the pink carnations my stepdad had sent me this morning to the counter . i do n't know why i 'd kept them . to remind me he was really a turkey-on-rye sandwich hidden in a krispy kreme coating , perhaps . the note attached had congratulated me on landing such a lucrative job and hinted that i needed to fill out an application for the position of mrs. royce powell . he also apologized for pushing me to get back together with richard . how could he be so sweet , yet treat my mom so badly ? `` who sent you those ? '' royce asked from behind me . he was suddenly so close i could feel the heat of him . his arms reached out and anchored on the counter in front of me , trapping me with his body . i licked my lips and perhaps-and this is not a confession- arched my back slightly and allowed the best part of him to rub against the crease of my bottom . tendrils of desire unfurled , wrapping and winding around me . my defenses were down , and i did n't know whether it was because i 'd been through an emotional wringer the last few days or because i was destined to respond to royce no matter what . either way , i wanted him . maybe i needed to rethink my sexual time line .	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it was a questing kiss , tender and cautious , yet assured . she caught at his lapels , her chest heaving from the effort to find the breath he was stealing from her . his tongue slid along the seam of her lips , then teased them apart . when he entered her mouth with a quick thrust , her knees weakened . he pulled her tighter against him , exposing his need in the hard ridge of arousal pressing into her hip . his fingers kneaded her skin , betraying a growing agitation . when he broke away and pressed his temple to hers , his breathing was labored . `` god help me , '' he said roughly . `` as innocent as you are , you have nevertheless seduced me with consummate skill . '' lifting her into his arms , he carried her swiftly to the summerhouse . sensitive to the highly charged situation , temperance walked silently beside them . then , she waited on the porch with unusual meekness and watched the sun rise . chapter 1 seven years later ... `` i beg you to reconsider . '' jessica , lady tarley , reached over the small tea table in the regmont family parlor and gave her sister 's hand a brief squeeze . `` i feel i should go . '' the corners of hester 's mouth turned downward . `` i would understand if tarley was with you , but now that he has passed ... is it safe for you to travel such a distance alone ? '' it was a question jess had asked herself many times , yet the answer was moot . she was determined to go . she had been given a brief window of time in which she could do something extraordinary . it was highly doubtful she would ever be presented with the opportunity again . `` of course it 's safe , '' she said , straightening . `` tarley 's brother , michael-i should become accustomed to referring to him as tarley now-made the arrangements for the voyage , and i will be met at the dock by someone from the household . `` i am not reassured . '' toying with the handle of her floral-patterned teacup , hester looked pensive and unhappy . `` you once wanted to travel to faraway places , '' jess reminded , hating to see her sister so distressed . `` have you lost that wanderlust ? '' hester sighed and looked out the window beside her . through the sheers that afforded some privacy , one could see the steady flow of mayfair traffic in front of the town house , but jess 's attention was focused solely on her sister . hester had matured into a beautiful young woman , lauded for her golden glamour and stunning verdant eyes framed by thick , dark lashes . she 'd once been curvier than jess and more vivacious , but the years had tempered both traits , forging a woman who was slender as a reed and serenely elegant . the countess of regmont had acquired a reputation for notable reserve , which surprised jess considering how charming and outgoing lord regmont was . she blamed the change on their father , and his blasted pride and misogyny . `` you look pale and thin , '' jess observed . `` i grieve for your loss . and i must confess , i have not slept well since you first announced your intent to travel . '' hester looked back at her . `` i simply can not comprehend your motivation . '' nearly a year had passed since benedict had gone on to his reward , and he had been severely ill for three months prior to that . there had been time enough for jess to reach a state of resigned acceptance to life without him . still , bereavement clung to her like fog over water . family and friends looked to her for the cue to leave the past behind , and she had no notion of how to give it to them . `` i require distance from the past in order to grasp the future . '' `` surely retiring to the country would suffice ? '' `` it did not suffice last winter . now another season is upon us , and we are all still trapped beneath this cloud hovering over me . it is necessary for me to break away from the routine into which i have fallen , so everyone can move forward with life as we now face it . '' `` dear god , jess , '' hester breathed , looking pale . `` you can not mean to say that you must leave us as tarley did for all to heal . you are still young and marriageable . your life is far from over . '' pray do not worry over me . '' jess refilled hester 's teacup and dropped two lumps of sugar into it . `` i will be gone only long enough to make arrangements for the sale of the plantation . i shall return refreshed and revitalized , which , in turn , will reinvigorate all who love and worry over me . '' `` i still can not believe he bequeathed that place to you . jessica smiled fondly , her gaze moving around the cheery parlor with its yellow silk drapes and blue floral accents .	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["drapes", 4608], ["blue", 4617], ["accent", 4632], ["accenting", 4632], ["accents", 4632]]
iain was fighting a battle on two fronts-fighting his own desires , as well as those of the beast . and he was losing on both . he needed to retreat , to get as far away from her as he could . he shifted his weight to take a step back , but it was too late . `` kiss me , '' she whispered , threading her fingers through his hair and pulling his head down to hers . he tried to tell her how close she was to facing his monster , but his mouth would n't work . he scrambled for their link , letting her glimpse what he was protecting her from . the violent need and lust hovering just inside of him . it shamed him to let her see that part of himself , but his feelings here were not important . jackie 's were . her body shook , and her grip on his head tightened . he forced his eyes to open , sure he 'd see disgust lining her face . instead , her pupils had grown huge with desire . a fragile whimper passed her lips , and it was filled with the sound of want , not fear . lust pulsed between them , tinted with feminine need . her lust , not his . she 'd seen the beast and it had n't scared her away . `` you do n't want that , '' he told her . `` you ca n't want that . '' all of you , even the darker parts . '' there was no way she could truly understand what she would face . he opened his mouth to order her to run away , but before the words could come out , her mouth was on his , hot and sweet and demanding . her tongue plunged inside , and she fed him a soft groan of satisfaction . desire radiated out from her , filling their link with her need . he could feel her skin warm and the flesh between her thighs grow damp and swollen . there was an emptiness there that she wanted him to fill , a deep ache of longing that only he could drive away . iain was unable to resist her need . he was powerless , unwilling to let her suffer , unable to hold back anything she wanted . but he could n't let the monster free . not when it knew that he was planning to go to his death tonight . if the beast broke free , it would protect itself , and iain might never be able to regain control . whatever it took , whatever he had to do to control the monster , he 'd do . iain shifted his control , aiming every bit of effort toward keeping the monster caged . there was none left for him , none left to keep him from giving in to his baser urges . he kissed her back , slanting his mouth over hers , tasting her . her fingernails bit into his scalp , lighting his nerve endings on fire . his cck swelled until he was sure he 'd go insane with the need to shove inside her . her clothes had to go . he needed her nakd. iain tried to unbutton her jeans , but his hands were shaking too hard . he could n't seem to get the damn button out of the hole . jackie swept his hands aside and did the job for him . she stripped out of her clothes in a heartbeat , her gaze fixed on his , smoldering with desire . her eyes had darkened to a deep gunmetal gray , and a flush was already spreading down her throat onto her chest . the luceria glowed against her skin , and for a split second , he thought the scars lining her neck had faded . scars or not , she was the most fking beautiful woman he 'd ever touched . her body quivered in anticipation as she stood there , her perfect brsts rising and falling with each rapid breath . iain fumbled to rip his boots off , unwilling to look away from her . the curve of her waist and flare of her hps drove him mad with the need to touch . the slim length of her legs reminded him of just how good they 'd felt wrapped around his hips , and her rosy lips brought back every intoxicating second of his cck sliding in and out of her mouth . as soon as he was free of his clothes , he reached for her . she crashed into his arms , her mouth landing on his in a kiss that stole his breath . the heat of her bare skin rubbing against his cck made the monster howl in frustration . it wanted to fill her , to take what it wanted without care for her pleasure . like hell iain was going to let that happen . he wrapped her up in his arms and lifted her onto the nearby counter , so he could reach her mouth easier . she hooked her ankles around his thighs and jerked him close , melding their bodies together from groin to chest . her tight nples poked his chest . the slick folds of her p*sy slid along his cock , making it pulse and throb for deeper contact . he needed to be inside her so bad he was n't sure he 'd survive the wait . `` no waiting , '' she breathed against his mouth .	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this meant everything to him , and defined who he was as a man . if michael discovered he 'd slept with carina , he may never get that trust back , and it could break him . and what could he possibly offer ? he did n't have the emotional capacity to give her what she deserved . one day she 'd ask for a ring . a life of permanent commitment . all he could give was the moment-good sex , companionship , respect . eventually , she 'd tire of his crap and move on . even worse , what if he did something to hurt her ? he made the vow long ago to never use any actions to hurt a woman 's heart . it was too damn delicate , and he did n't want the responsibility . she was extraordinary in every aspect , and completely beyond him . decision made , he slid out of bed and headed toward the bathroom . the knock on the door surprised him . max strained his ears , but another light tapping echoed in the room . damn , it was n't even 6 a.m. not wanting to wake carina , he put on boxers and opened the door . mama conte stood in the doorway . her confused expression registered in slow motion . as if trapped in a disaster movie , the rest of the events rolled slowly in time and had a strange surreal quality . carina 's mother squinted at the number on the door and back at the piece of paper she clutched in her hand . `` i knew you were in vegas also , but this is carina 's room . '' max ignored his rapidly beating heart and gave her a big hug . `` mama conte , what a pleasant surprise . nope , this is my room , but let me get dressed and i 'll meet you right outside and show you where carina is . '' he almost won . she threw back her head and cackled . `` silly man , your underwear does n't offend me . '' she neatly sidestepped him and took a few steps into the room . removed her cardigan . `` used to run bare-butt nakd in my house the whole summer . '' walked over to lay her sweater on the back of the couch . she tripped over a high-heeled shoe . stared at the zigzag trail of clothing . ventured farther into the suite toward the open french doors of the bedroom . a pair of lacy garters . a scrap of thong . he opened his mouth to stop her but she stopped right before the bedroom . the low snore grew louder and turned into a rough grunt . a tumble of dark curls contrasted with the stark white of the sheet . slowly , mama conte walked over to the bed and stared at her daughter . suddenly , the film went into crazy action and he snapped . he jumped in front of the bed and put out his hands to ward off a batty mommy attack . `` oh , dio mio , mama conte , it 's not what you think . well , it 's what you think , but you were n't supposed to see it . oh , dio , i am sorry , so sorry . '' his babbling grew until he realized he 'd just reverted back to his youth . dark eyes flew to his face , trying to make sense of the scene . finally , she nodded as if she 'd made her decision . `` bring me to your room , maximus . `` you have one minute to change and get out here . and do n't wake up carina . '' max tunneled his fingers through his hair and settled into hell . his mama 's best friend and his secondary caregiver sat before him , deep in thought . she had n't spoken since they arrived in his room . just directed him to the chair and let him stew in his own perspiration for the next ten minutes . having raised four children and buried a husband , her slight figure was lean but strong . with her own talent and hard work , she 'd built la dolce famiglia from a home-based pastry shop into one of the biggest chains in italy . her gray hair was twisted into a bun at the back of her head and showed off both the grace and carved lines in her face . her cane leaned against the wall . she wore orthopedic shoes now , with thick laces and soles to help her walk . yet he 'd never been so f*king scared of a little old lady in his whole life . his voice almost shook but he stumbled through . we hoped no one would ever know about it . we never wanted to hurt anyone . '' `` did you plan for this to happen ? '' no , we both knew a relationship would n't be good for one another . there was an attraction , of course , but i thought we had it under control . carina lost her temper at me and sawyer wells started to go after her and- '' `` sawyer wells is here ? '' `` yes , he runs the venetian now . 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he stirred in his sleep , reached out one hand , and clasped it warmly round my ankle , then subsided with a contented groan . `` stand between me and all things grisly , '' i said , half-under my breath . `` slainte , '' said the major , and drained his cup again . 20 dangerous gifts propelled by major macdonald 's news , jamie and ian departed two days later for a quick visit to bird-who-sings-in-the-morning , and the major went off on his further mysterious errands , leaving me with bobby higgins for assistance . i was dying to dig into the crates bobby had brought , but what with one thing and another-the white pig 's demented attempt to eat adso , a goat with infected teats , a strange green mold that had got into the last batch of cheese , the completion of a much-needed summer kitchen , and a stern conversation with the beardsleys regarding the treatment of guests , among other things-it was more than a week before i found leisure to unpack lord john 's present and read his letter . september 4 , 1773 from lord john grey , mount josiah plantation to mrs. james fraser my dear madam- i trust that the articles you requested will have arrived intact . mr. higgins is somewhat nervous of carrying the oil of vitriol , as i understand he has had some evil experience connected with it , but we have packed the bottle with some care , leaving it sealed as it came from england . after examining the exquisite drawings you sent-do i detect your daughter 's elegant hand in them ? -i rode to williamsburg , in order to consult with a famous glassmaker who abides there under the nomen ( doubtless fabulous ) of blogweather . mr. blogweather allowed that the pelican retort would be simplicity itself , scarcely a fair test of his skill , but was enchanted by the requirements of the distilling apparatus , particularly the detachable coil . he apprehended immediately the desirability of such a device in case of breakage , and has made three of them . pray consider these my gift-a most insignificant demonstration of my abiding gratitude for your many kindnesses , both toward myself and mr. higgins . your most humble and obedient servant , john grey postscriptum : i have thus far restrained my sense of vulgar curiosity , but i do venture to hope that on some future occasion , you may possibly gratify me by explaining the purpose to which you intend these articles be put . they had packed with some care . pried open , the crates proved to be filled with an immense quantity of straw , the bits of glassware and sealed bottles gleaming within , cradled like roc 's eggs . `` you will be careful with that , wo n't 'ee , mum ? '' bobby inquired anxiously , as i lifted out a squat , heavy , brown-glass bottle , the cork heavily sealed with red wax . `` it 's turrible noxious , that stuff . '' standing on tiptoe , i boosted the bottle up onto a high shelf , safe from marauding children or cats . `` have you seen it used , then , bobby ? '' his lips drew in tight , and he shook his head . `` not to say used , mum . but i 've seen what it does . was a ... a lass , in london , what i come to know a bit , whilst we was a-waitin ' the ship to carry us to america . half her face pretty and smooth as a buttercup but t'other side was so scarred you could scarce look at it . like as it was melted in a fire , but she said 't was vitriol . '' he glanced up at the bottle , and swallowed visibly . `` another whore 'd thrown it on her , she said , 'cause of jealousy . '' he shook his head again , sighing , and reached for the broom to sweep up the scattered straw . `` well , you need n't worry , '' i assured him . `` i do n't propose to throw it at anyone . '' he was quite shocked . `` i s'ould never think that ! '' i disregarded this reassurance , involved in delving for more treasure . `` oh , look , '' i said , enchanted . i held in my hands the fruit of mr. blogweather 's artistry : a globe of glass , the size of my head , blown to perfect symmetry and lacking even the hint of a bubble . there was a faint blue tinge to the glass , and i could see my own distorted reflection , wide-nosed and bug-eyed , like a mermaid peering out . `` aye , mum , '' said bobby , dutifully peering at the retort . `` it 's , er ... big , i n't it ? '' just perfect ! 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she 'd taken her first lover since her breakup and her first step toward the future she 'd envisioned for herself when she 'd moved to vegas . sure , she was fourteen months late getting the party started , but still she 'd made progress . she decided to stay in the robe . dressing pretty much said , `` wham bam , thank you , ma'am , '' or in this case , `` sir . '' not the message she wanted to send . taking a bracing breath , she padded into the sitting room , her bare feet silent on the thick carpet . trent stood with his rigid back to her , staring out the window . he held a glass of amber liquid in his hand . his thick hair was still rumpled , presumably by her fingers . he did n't look like a guy who 'd just had the best sex in well ... ever . but then he was probably more experienced than her . maybe it had n't been as amazing for him . he looked so james bond suave as he turned that he took her breath away . his gaze raked from her finger-combed hair to the toes she 'd curled into the carpet . funny , she 'd shared her body with him , but she had n't felt comfortable borrowing his comb . twisted , paige . `` i 've ordered dinner from room service . '' his cool demeanor suggested it was n't because he wanted to keep her in bed all night . a sense of foreboding crept up her spine . she shivered-not in a good way . oh god , she was going to have to use the lame line . he downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and set the tumbler on the nearby dining-room table . `` yes , it was good . but it was a mistake . '' the firm statement sent her mentally reeling . why was making love a mistake ? '' his lips-the same lips that had driven her to unbelievable passion moments ago-flattened into a straight line . she barely managed not to wince . amazing or not , what they 'd share had been only sex . not fate or love or any of that other romantic junk . `` how long were you with your last lover ? '' not a conversation she wanted to have . she fussed the tie belt of her robe . he was n't going to like her answer even if it was n't relevant to what they 'd just shared . paige , i ca n't be the man you need . '' if she did n't have her pride to cling to , this would be a good time to run . she dug deep for a little of her big sister 's chutzpah . `` that 's where you 're wrong , trent . you were exactly what i needed a few minutes ago . a guy who 's fun to be with and good in bed . '' `` i ca n't offer you anything more than- '' his gesture encompassed the room `` -this . despite what you said , i do n't see you as the casual-affair type . '' casual was exactly the type the new paige intended to be . she had to find a way to convince him of that . `` i love my job and i wo n't give it up for a man-any man . and you 'll be leaving in what ... three or four days ? '' `` then i suggest we make the most of those days ... and nights . '' his silence as his searching gaze held hers spoke volumes . she tried to blank her expression . `` am i going to lose my roller coaster riding partner over this ? '' if room service arrives while i 'm in the shower , the tip is on the table . the rest will be billed to the room . '' he turned on his heel and disappeared through the bedroom door . seconds later she heard the shower spray . her bravado drained away . she 'd gotten the walk on the wild side that she 'd wanted . so why was n't she happy ? what a damned wuss . trent scrubbed hard enough to make his scalp tingle . he hired and fired employees on a regular basis without a twinge of remorse . but the hurt in paige 's eyes when he 'd left her in bed had speared him . while sleeping with her and dumping her immediately thereafter might piss her off enough to make her steer clear of him and brent , it would n't stop her from hooking up with donnie . and an angry , vengeful woman was exactly the scenario he wanted to avoid . that left trent at an impasse . the flashing message light on the telephone extension in the bathroom nagged him as he sawed the towel over his back with enough vigor to redden his skin . he closed the bathroom door , lifted the receiver and punched the buttons to play his messages . `` hi trent . nicole here . your girlfriend's- '' he grimaced `` -family has reservations about hopping on a private jet and flying cross country . so ... my report is that i have nothing to report . i 'll call back when and if the status changes . 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at the time , he had n't given it much thought , but liam could see now that she would flourish with stability , with a man who committed to her and would be there day in and out . he had no desire to marry . a problem for later . no sense in borrowing trouble now . `` i think it 's time i shared something painful from my past with you , raine . i rarely do this , but you 've been such a brave wee beauty . i would have you know more about me . it might help you understand . do n't get ideas , mind you . this is something i 'm choosing to give . '' she nodded solemnly , and he knew that he had her attention . `` as you probably know , hammer is n't the only one who was married ... '' she watched him with unblinking eyes , her questions lurking in her gaze . `` after juliet passed away and hammer moved out here , i met gwyneth , a seemingly lovely english rose from an aristocratic family on holiday in new york . we had similar interests and appetites . so i married her . it seemed that we had found that elusive something idyllic for a time . then ... i discovered gwyneth cheating . i returned home unexpectedly after a business trip to find her on her knees as her supposedly gy personal trainer fked her while she gave his life partner head . '' raine paled . `` oh my god ... '' liam took a long drink of his wine , cut another slice of the moist , succulent steak , and savored it for a moment . `` to say i was shocked would be an understatement . i thought we were happy , that she 'd be the mother of my children . i had plans for our future . in an instant , i buried them . i realized that i 'd married her because it seemed logical , not because i 'd loved her . when she wanted a divorce , i let her go . i did n't care enough anymore to fight . but that sour taste of betrayal is something that , even now , triggers me ... '' again , he paused , allowing his words to sink in . `` you 're not the only one with trust issues , raine . so seeing you with hammer this morning ... '' `` brought it all back . '' guilt tortured her face . actually , gwyneth 's perfidy had enraged him . raine 's had fking torn at his heart , so much that liam barely understood . `` i did n't realize ... '' her face pleaded for forgiveness . he leveled a considering stare her way . `` i understand that what happened between you and hammer was not just two people fking for mere sex . he wanted you as much as you wanted him . i 'd like to , but i ca n't blame you for giving yourself to the man you 've long believed that you loved , though your timing was frankly lousy . whether intentional or not , you agreed to something that i hold dear , then tossed it aside without so much as a backward glance when hammer looked your way . understand , raine , that trust will be hard won from me , too . and if you ever violate it again like that , we 'll be done . '' she swallowed , looking stricken , and he realized that she 'd stopped eating long ago . `` finish your steak . '' he waited until she picked up her fork again . `` liam ... i truly never meant to hurt you . she looked at her plate , face filled with contrition . it was on the tip of his tongue to reassure her , but it might be good for her to think about what he 'd said . he wanted this to work , but she needed to understand what would kill their growing relationship faster than anything . liam shook his head , thinking about the slew of messages from hammer . had the man been trying to get raine pregnant as a way of tying her to him , even unconsciously ? or maybe f*king her without protection had been completely premeditated , to get him back for claiming her as his own . liam gnashed his teeth . `` does something not taste good ? '' raine asked quietly from across the table . `` i 'll remake whatever it is . '' `` it 's all lovely , lass . excellent , as always . '' he noticed that she 'd set her fork aside again and her napkin on the table . her plate was still more than half full . `` i 'm not good at that when i 'm upset . maybe i 'll reheat it later . do you want seconds of something ? and there was the natural submissive . she wanted to feed him . it was her way of comforting and serving . though the thought that hammer may have gotten her pregnant made him violent , he could see that she 'd make a wonderful mother . i 'd see you eat another few bites , though . you 've scarce eaten enough for a bird . '' please ... not now . maybe my stomach wo n't be turning later . '' `` you 'll eat a few more bites of your meat and salad . 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what did lady winterson mean by that comment ? hes a spy , bastien said . the one maman is always reading about . i heard the french fox was given a knighthood for his role in the capture of several officials in bonapartes government . rowena considered that the least of the foxs accomplishments . is he a real spy ? julien asked his brother , or a pretend spy , as you were a pretend pirate ? bastien gave him a dangerous smile . any time you wish to test my skills as a captain , julien , say the word . your ship will rest on the bottom of the ocean at my slightest command . boys , rowena said , cutting them off . it is a dance , nothing more . but was she convincing herself or them ? armand gave felicity a curious look , and felicity nodded at gabriel , who was standing a little ways away conversing with their hostess . rowena warmed when she realized he was still watching her , waiting for the next set to begin . monsieur lemarque has asked your mother to dance , felicity told her husband . she has accepted . armands gaze followed the direction of felicitys nod , and he tilted his head . rowena said . someone other than me recognizes the man . you know monsieur lemarque ? sarah asked armand . he was our footman . at armands words , julien turned to stare at gabriel outright . the footman ? yes , rowena said . have you forgotten the service he did us , julien ? julien shook his head , his eyes clouding . butiyou will dance with a footman ? well , it is too late now . i have accepted , and here he comes to claim me . indeed , before anyone else could speak or object , gabriel was before her , bowing and holding out a gloved hand in invitation . she took it , feeling her breath catch at his toucheven through the fabric of their gloves . as though he felt it too , he glanced down at her , his gaze meeting hers , and then led her to the center of the dance floor . belatedly , rowena realized they would be at the top of the set . everyone would be watching them . quelque chose vous drangez , your grace ? gabriel asked , watching her look nervously about the room . he didnt remember her being a nervous woman . she had always been calm and serene . and beautiful , so incredibly beautiful . no doubt his presence here had unnerved her . her attention snapped back to him , and he felt his heart thud slowly in his chest , the way it had all of those years ago whenever she looked at him . i am not used to dancing , that is all , she said . her voice sounded more british than he remembered , but then shed always spoken in french when hed known her before . he had not even known english then . hed been a young man , and she the mistress of a large chateau , the beautiful wife to a powerful and wealthy duke . she was a duchess , but more than that she was a kind woman . it was her kindness that slayed him . shed cared enough about a nobody like him to tutor him in reading . hed been poor and illiterate , but she told him he had a future . and then shed given him one with her patient instruction . how many hours had he watched her mouth form words , her delicate fingers trace writing on the page , the firelight limn her hair until it glowed blue-black ? the arch of her brow , the curve of her cheek , the tilt of her chinhe knew her face as well as his own . how could he have not fallen in love with her ? not used to dancing ? that is a tragedy . you should dance often , and with a man who worships the ground where you tread . her lovely blue eyes widened . if i were to wait for a man like that , sir , i would never dance . the music began and they came together , touching palms . you are dancing with one such man now , madam , he said and then stepped back . she stared at him , her attention drifting only momentarily when she had to execute one of the figures . he knew she remembered him . hed seen the flash of recognition in her eyes when hed been standing at the refreshment table . hed noted her the moment she and her family arrived at the ball . hed watched her , unable to catch his breath at the sight of her . all of these years , and his feelings for her had not changed . oh , she was a little older , a little sadder , but she was just as lovely . perhaps she was even more beautiful . it was he who had convinced his friend lucy frost , the countess of winterson , to invite the de valre family to her annual ball . the dowager duchess had declined the invitation last year .	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she chuckled at the thought and he pulled back , questions in his eyes . `` the door , '' she whispered and he cocked one eyebrow . `` you want me , '' he hissed , biting just hard enough on her earlobe to make her hps rise off the desk , `` to lock it ? '' `` i want you to fk me , '' she growled , reaching for his tense rod . `` that 's a given , my dear , '' he whispered . as he slid off her she actually whimpered , reluctantly letting go of his hot flesh , the sound so ludicrous she began to pant , sitting up as he walked away . ah , but the view was worth the added seconds of wait . dylan glided across the room like a man from two or three millennia past , his body so full and real she reveled in the pleasure of watching him move , the need to have him in her still urgent yet paused , her appreciation for the perfection of his form like an artist 's eye for beauty . yet he was n't perfect . scattered scars spoke to a childhood and adolescence of outdoor exploration , and she gasped when he turned and she saw an enormous , jagged line running down his back . she asked as he quietly locked the door . the scar was an angry , foot-long keloid welt that seemed so incongruously positioned compared to the rest of him . it stretched a good three or four inches wide , like something had taken a bite out of him . no hair grew on it and the skin seemed alien , a pale white that stood out from the rest of his olive tone , as if it were abandoned by the rest of his body . `` a support beam fell on me during a fire , '' he answered , leaning over her in seconds , fingers lacing through hers as he eased her back down from her now-seated position . right now i have a different fire to attend to . '' one hand released her palm and slid between her legs , the touch maddening as his fingers reached her curls , then one slid to find her burning clitoris , the touch making her rasp his name . `` oh , dylan . '' his hardness was there in seconds , her wet , ready psy practically drawing him in . her cheeks were flushed and she had a moment of unreality as she imaged the scene from above , laura and nakd dylan going at it on her desk , next to the state of wisconsin 's quarterly reports , the thrum of her desktop computer the only soundtrack to cover their groans and gasps . she was never more grateful to have been promoted out of the cubicle farm than right here . right - he entered her , slick and right and full and his hands roamed her br*sts , mouth imprisoning her , hair splaying out across the desk calendar , covering half of july , her body tensed and relaxed at once , full of dylan dylan dylan . what had been panting , earlier , returned , her body completely fixated on his touch , his taste , his fingers on her clt and in her hair , his lips devouring her , biceps tight as her hands explored his body , the dusting of dark hair that seemed to cover so much of him a braille of consummation . of reunion . his thrusts were gentle but thorough , his ass gorgeous to touch , her palms making love to the twin cheeks , with dimples she could feel . both knew they needed to be quick ; laura sensed it in his careful attention to her clit , how he knew exactly which skin to touch and when , bringing her higher , to a new level of unfolding and opening , waves of orgasm lining up at the ready as he called them forth . a thin sheen of sweat covered his chest as he pulled back , eyes intent and staring at her , a brief flicker of self-consciousness making her smile shyly as he drove himself deeper into her . she almost broke the moment with a nervous word but stopped herself . and then - oh , then - her back arched and his fingers and self were lifting , lifting her as all heat and fire and warmth and wetness zoomed between her legs , into her chest , her heart expanding and blossoming , his voice in her ear whispering , `` yes , come , come laura , i 'm - `` biting her hand was her only recourse as she twitched and jerked , the sheer force of her orgasm so strong that her body tried to escape it , could n't run away , had to stay and let the pleasure envelop her , nerve endings straining to grow enough to accept all dylan gave her now , his legs working for balance and purpose and then - `` laura , oh , laura , '' he moaned , but she was too caught up in the layered power of her own body 's response to reply .	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ive often wished i could send my husband to his country wife for a week , so that i dont have to put up with his demands all the time . some men are worse than children are , cant do a thing for themselves . ask them to boil their own eggs and they look at you as if you had asked them to invent flush toilets . jean pierre laughed . jc this is claire bouman . she is here with red cross . claire looked like she had run a marathon through a dust cloud . she took off her aviation glasses , revealing the area around her eyes as the only clean part of her body . she ran a hand through her short hair , which would have been dusty except the humidity and sweat had turned it into a thin layer of mud . sorry about the dirt , she said wiping her face with a towel dipped in water . the road from biaro is dusty . whats in biaro ? jc asked . we brought some refugees in this morning from the forest . a couple of ngos . there arent many aid workers left willing to take the risks of the forest , not after what happened , she said , then paused . i do hope they find your sister . the whole thing has the rest of us running scared , as if things werent bad enough before . some of the ngos have already packed it up and left . ngos ? non government organizations . she always volunteered to comb the forest for refugees . i transport them to the camps because most of them are in no condition to walk . jc nodded and took a sip of her beer . what do you mean by things being bad before ? jean pierre offered claire a cigarette . she took it , and then said , the security in the camps is bad , more than usual . we keep hearing about aid workers getting killed . working for organizations like the un and the red cross , with that emblem on the car or your shirt , it used to bring a mantle of protection , but not anymore . weve become targets in these shirts . in burundi six aid workers were shot while they were sleeping in a hospital compound . they were executed , said jean pierre , holding a match for claire and lighting her cigarette . claire nodded her thanks . masked men with silencers on their guns went from room to room , he continued . i have worked many camps and always there is danger , but here it is very bad . there is no control of the camps , only they let us think we have control , so we stay . we feed them and they hide and get strong again . jc asked , leaning forward . how much do you know about what is going on in rwanda ? asked claire , sucking on her cigarette , watching jc intently . i know there was a massive genocide . the pictures on cnn of rivers filled with blood and dead bodies . i dont know the names of the groups involved . she didnt have time to keep a detailed eye on world affairs ; it wasnt a crime . it didnt make her ignorant , so why was she feeling stupid ? well , let me fill you in then . in rwanda , there are two main tribes . the tutsi and the hutu , who outnumber them . the hutu majority was in power under general juvenal habyarimana . in 1994 , his plane was shot down over kigali by hutu extremists , who thought he was being too soft on the tutsi . of course , they never admitted it and nobody can prove for sure who shot , or even how that plane crashed . the two groups have been in conflict for decades , so it was a time bomb just waiting to go off . the extremists in the hutu government armed youths with everything from guns to machetes and let them loose on the tutsi minority , using as an excuse the death of their president , which they blamed on the tutsi . claire stopped and took a sip of water before continuing . the weapon of choice was the machete . it was cost effective . it took more effort , but it did the job . they killed about half a million , maybe a million tutsi in three months . but the refugees here are hutu , jc interrupted . why arent the camps filled with the tutsi that were being killed ? she asked , watching the end of claires cigarette where the ash was threatening to fall onto the table . yes , well now thats the beauty of it , claire said and continued to ignore the dire situation at the end of her cigarette . you see , the hutu had underestimated the tutsi opposition party . the tutsi are well-disciplined and organized , and their rebel army defeated the hutu government forces . they established a new government and stopped the mass killings of their own people . the ash finally plopped onto the table . so then , if history was to repeat itself , she said , scraping the ash into an ashtray with her hand , as it seems to do here in africa every twenty years or so , it was time for the tutsi to turn around and do unto others as others have done unto them .	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im practically falling asleep by the time his touches turn to kisses and he rolls me over . * * * sam when liz looks at me , her gaze is heavy but happy . are you going to make me beg you , sam bradshaw ? not that our shower didnt leave me . satisfied , but . she takes her lower lip between her teeth in a way thats both cute and really fucking hot . she shifts under me , then wraps her legs around my waist , bringing my dick to rest against her slick folds . get a fucking condom . everything about this moment is an invitationthe way shes looking at me , the heat in her eyes . ive never been so tempted to slide into a woman without protection . its not an optionnow more than everbut fuck , if its not tempting at this moment . liz , someone bellows . we both stiffen . its a guy , and hes right outside her door . a drunk , belligerent man , in her house , at her bedroom door . my body tenses , shifting gears , ready to fight . liz seems to sense the change in me , and she wraps her hand around my wrist . its just connor . as in , my sisters boyfriend ? that connor ? as in your friend connor . i think hes drunk . shes already climbing out of bed , not worried about explaining to me why the hell connor is showing up drunk at her bedroom door in the middle of the night . she starts opening drawers and pulling out clothes . so she can go see connor . i dont want connor to see her like thisfreshly showered , her cheeks still flushed from coming . maybe i want to make sure he knows . my jealousy is so irrational it catches me off guard . i take her hand , stopping her from pulling on her pants , then i latch my mouth onto her neck . she moans as i kiss and suck , then cries out as i bite down . i pull back , satisfied when i see ive marked her . hes practically whimpering . im coming , she calls . fucking connor . im not letting her go out there without me . suddenly , i remember that none of my clothes made it to the bedroom with us . liz bites back a grin , apparently realizing my conundrum . youre not going out there anyway , so dont worry about it . giggles lace her words . connor says on the other side of the door . is that you , man ? did your sister send you here ? i told her to stay out of it . i dont know what hes talking about , but i shoot liz a pointed look . want to borrow some panties ? how do you feel about pink ? this time , she lets the giggle free . i snatch the towel off the floor where it landed earlier . ill go get my clothes . i sneak out the door before she can protest , and pull it shut tight behind me . connors sitting in the hall , eyes half closed , and i dont bother explaining myself before i cross to the bathroom to pull on my pants and undershirt . when i get back to lizzys room , shes dressed . shes in a worn-out sinclair tee and nothing else , as far as i can tell . i skim my gaze over her down to where the shirt ends at mid-thigh . i love the way it looks on herstretched across her breasts , her nipples poking at the fabric , and the way it shows off her long , flawless legs . i dont love the idea of her greeting another man in nothing but that . i open the nearest dresser drawer , grab a pair of thick flannel pants , and shove them in her hands . if youre going out there , would you please wear these too ? raking my gaze over her again , i shake my head . dont mistake my selfishness for jealousy . i dont want to share . i wait for her to put on the pantsnot that it helps much . how does she make a t-shirt and flannel pants look so goddamn indecent ? for a minute , i contemplate ordering her to stay in the bedroom , but i know that wouldnt go over well , so i head to the hall to find connor . this guy was one of my best friends through college . we got thrown together as roommates freshman year , and our friendship formed from there . ive never been as close to him as i am to max and will , but we were cool . until he started dating my little sister . connors passed out in the hall , his head slumped to the side as if hes trying to use his own shoulder as a pillow . liz pads over to him and places her hand on his back . con , wake up . he blinks at her then rolls over and awkwardly pushes himself to his feet . he asks liz , dragging his eyes down to her breasts . can i punch him in the face for looking at her the way any man would ? this is my house , she says patiently . she slides her arm under his . lets get you to the couch .	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i want to feel your juicy little psy coming all over my face . so go ahead and keep yelling at me , lily . it just makes me want to go down on you even more . i could eat your sweet little cunt out all night long and never get tired . '' if she did n't put a stop to this now , she was lost . she loved him too much to win against him . but he was already going at her again , and she was powerless against the waves that slammed into her , her second clix hitting her so fast he did n't even have to work for it . it swelled through her like a storm , the hot , vital throb of pleasure leaving her utterly destroyed . and completely at his mercy . forcing himself to stop licking her before she got too sensitive , ryder rested his forehead against her stomach again as he tried to catch his breath , his body burning with need . his cck was so hard he was a little surprised the jeans had managed to contain him . when he could finally breathe without worrying he was going to blow his load , he turned his head and looked at mike . `` point taken , '' mike drawled with a tight smile , pushing his hands in his front pockets . `` now maybe you should tell her the truth about what you 're doing here , before she decides to smash your nuts in . '' he asked , pulling her skirt down for her before he straightened and took a step back . he caught mike 's nod when he looked his way again . `` it took me a moment , but i 've got it . i had to think about the hair and build . she was the right height . had the right coloring . '' from the corner of his eye , he saw lily frown as she hopped off the porsche 's hood , and knew she was wondering what the hell mike was talking about . but mike just looked at him , waiting for him to explain . locking his gaze on lily 's strained face , ryder finally forced out the truth , knowing that if he did n't do it now he was going to lose her forever . `` it was n't what you thought . '' `` do n't try to- '' he gripped her chin , cutting her off . `` you 're going to listen to me , so shut up and focus . '' she glared , but did n't say anything . `` i was not on a date with that woman . i was trying to pull off an op . '' she actually laughed as she jerked her chin from his grip . you must think i 'm so stupid if you expect me to believe that . '' with a fierce scowl , he said , `` i admit that it was n't my smartest idea , and i was wrong not to tell you . but i 've been out of my mind worrying about you . so cut me some f*king slack . '' `` you honestly expect me to believe it was an op ? you were licking her neck ! '' `` it was an act . i needed it to look real . '' exhaling a rough breath , he shoved his hair back from his brow . `` it 's the truth , lil . i was trying to draw rado out with a decoy . '' `` i wanted him to think she was you and make a move on us . i want this shit to be over . '' lily pulled her bottom lip through her teeth , wanting to believe him so badly that she was afraid to . `` i thought i was meant to be the bait . '' `` yeah , that was the idea . to get him here . but when it came to putting you out in the open , i could n't do it . i could n't stomach the thought of putting you in danger like that . it nearly killed me just to think about it . '' `` so that woman . he jerked his chin down in a stiff nod . `` a deputy who works in one of the neighboring counties . she 's trained to handle these types of situations . if rado and his men had tried to jump us when we left here and headed down to the beach for a walk , she would have been able to take care of herself , giving me the opportunity to take him out . '' `` they obviously have n't caught wind that i 'm here . but if they had , i would have screwed the plan to hell when i went after you . '' `` you could have just told me , scott . '' he tightened his jaw , and she could see the truth in his eyes , even though he did n't say a damn thing . a bitter laugh fell quietly from her lips . `` but you were still reeling from what i said last night , were n't you ? you saw this as a way to push me away . you said you only kissed her neck , but just how far would you have been willing to go for your deception ? '' `` i ... '' he glanced at mike , then back to her . `` do we have to do this in front of him ? 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take a five-year-old away from kidnapping troubles to put him with a man who is the target of a blackmail campaign . '' `` i must have been raving mad letting that slip in the first place . '' `` if i do n't worry , who will ? '' dex pushed out a breath . `` all i 'm saying is that tate is welcome anytime . '' `` who have you got lined up to babysit ? some hollywood starlet you 're screwing ? '' you might find reward in your near monklike lifestyle , the fact you get off on telling everyone how hard you work and how no one appreciates what you do , but i intend to go on enjoying what a man is meant to enjoy . '' `` that would be an endless string of empty affairs . '' `` you 're a sanctimonious son of a - `` the conversation went downhill from there . cole was still fuming when he left the building an hour later . how could two brothers be so different ? birth order ? a swap at the hospital the day dex was born ? although , cole could admit , dex had got the tail end of his latest foul mood . at least that new release was doing well . there was still the problem of tate . hopefully his little brother would n't be involved in any future incidents , but should tate happen to get hurt in any way because of this murder attempt mess , cole would feel directly responsible . he did n't want tate to get mixed up in dex 's blackmail business , if it came to anything . then again , what could be worse than living with eloise as a mother ? the answer was the possibility of being shoved in a van never to be seen or heard from again . cole was driving on autopilot when he noticed the sign announcing the arterial route to taryn 's neighborhood . she might think he had n't thought much about her lately . truth was he 'd thought about her a great deal . another reason he was n't getting much sleep . this past week he 'd had to put up a barrier between them . not that he 'd wanted to , but , frankly , she 'd been interfering with his responsibilities . and , to be fair , he 'd let himself get sidetracked . taryn 's company was always preferable to flogging himself with budget and technical reports , proposals and financial crises . but if he did n't cover all the bases , who would ? admittedly , roman lyons was proving to be a big ongoing help . his father , however , barely came into the office anymore , which , cole supposed , meant less likelihood of decisions needing to be reversed . that brought him back to taryn . he could n't risk distractions . while she was employed by hunter broadcasting , he would know little relief . he 'd okayed her show out of obligation more than anything . a sense of loyalty , or maybe expectation . and while that may be understandable , given the nature of the time they 'd spent together , he was n't looking forward to the anticipated hit to the company . hell , he 'd just chastised dex for not thinking with his head . recently , had he been any better ? setting his jaw , cole stepped on the gas and drove past that turnoff . grandpa hunter used to say , there 's no better time for change than the present . no smarter time than now to move on . taryn took her aunt 's advice . she would never again consider hounding cole , like she had that day a week ago when he 'd informed her that her show would record six episodes rather than a full season 's complement of thirteen . now she did n't seek out his company and most certainly he did n't seek out hers . as the days had gone by , she 'd kept herself busy with one of two occupations . she was either immersed in her show 's preparation - organizing crew , sponsors , studio time - or sourcing people who would love to adopt a kitten . she did little socially , although when roman had asked , she 'd gone to a movie . they 'd grabbed a bite beforehand , had enjoyed buttered popcorn throughout the show and had said goodbye in the complex 's parking lot . given he knew about the cole situation , taryn guessed roman felt sorry for her . but she was done with feeling sorry for herself . over the past couple of days , her hope to stay with hunter broadcasting had dimmed . she 'd swallowed the six-show deal . but then cole had cut her budget in half . had told her that he could not agree to sign the host she liked . today he 'd put the nail in her coffin . his pa had passed on the news that rather than five people helping to put the show together , she 'd have two , one being a seventeen-year-old graduate . no experience equaled cheap labor . technically , cole might have approved her show but , clearly , he still wanted her gone . she hoped he slept well at night .	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but you do get used to wherever you are , jazz ... . '' `` i just want to be with my mom , '' jazmine said , sounding small and sad . `` i would n't care where it was . '' `` are you getting along with your aunt ? '' jazmine hesitated . `` she tries , and i appreciate everything she does , i really do , but she does n't know that much about kids . '' as if she felt bad about criticizing her aunt , the girl added , `` it 's not as bad as it was on monday , but ... '' adam wanted to continue asking questions about shana , but he preferred not to be obvious about it . `` she is , but she 's got issues , you know . '' it was difficult for adam not to laugh outright at jazmine 's solemn tone . jazmine snickered . `` where would you like me to start ? she has this old boyfriend that she dumped or he dumped her-i do n't know which-but she wo n't even say his name . i heard her talking to mom , and every time she got close to mentioning his name , she called him that-man-i-used-to-date . is that ridiculous or what ? '' adam murmured a noncommittal reply . shana used to have a regular job , a really good one for a drug company . mom said she made fabulous money , but she quit after she broke up with this guy . then she bought the ice-cream parlor . she does n't know a thing about ice cream or pizza or anything else . '' still , adam had to admire her entrepreneurial spirit . `` she seems to be doing all right . '' `` that 's only because she phones the former owners ten times a day , and i 'm not exaggerating . she finally figured out she ca n't do everything on her own and she hired a lady to come in during the afternoons to help her . i 'm only nine-going-on-ten , and i figured that out before she did . '' jazmine stopped abruptly , as if something had just occurred to her . `` you 're not attracted to her or anything , are you ? '' adam relaxed in his chair and crossed his ankles . `` well ... i think she 's kinda cute . '' jazmine said , more loudly this time . adam loved the theatrics . `` shana , '' jazmine cried as if it should all be perfectly logical . if you 're going to fall in love with anyone , make it my mom . she needs you , and you 'd be a great stepdad . '' `` jazmine , '' he said , the amusement suddenly gone . `` i think the world of your mother . she 's a wonderful woman , and i love her dearly , but- '' he had no idea how to put this without upsetting her . `` your mother and i , well ... '' `` you love her like a sister , '' jazmine finished for him . she sounded resigned and not particularly surprised . adam almost wished he could fall in love with ali . perhaps if he 'd met her before peter did , things would 've been different . but he had n't , and now it was impossible to think of ali in any other way . `` that 's pretty astute of you , '' he said . `` what 's astute ? '' jazmine sighed heavily . i said something about you to mom , and what she said is she loves you like a brother . '' so it was a mutual feeling , which was a relief . `` did your mother tell you she was ready for another relationship ? '' `` i think she is , '' jazmine replied after a thoughtful moment . `` but i do n't know if she knows it . '' she hesitated , and he could almost see her frown of concentration . `` mom 's been different the last few months . '' she seemed to be analyzing the situation as she spoke . `` she 's less sad , '' jazmine went on . `` we talk about dad a lot , and mom laughs now and she 's willing to do things and go places again . i guess someone mentioned that to the navy , because they decided to give her sea duty . '' `` i 'm grateful your mother 's feeling better about life . when the time 's right , she 'll meet someone special enough to be your stepdad . '' adam heard the sadness in her voice and regretted it . `` it wo n't be me , '' he said quietly . `` you are attracted to shana though , right ? '' that was all he 'd admit . he found himself wondering about the man shana had recently dumped or been dumped by . `` so this guy she used to go out with- '' `` they were engaged , i think , but she wo n't talk about it . '' `` she did n't get a ring , though . '' even an unofficial engagement suggested this had been a serious and probably long-term relationship . which could explain why shana had seemed so skittish .	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he curled his body around nika 's and let the blows hit him . this was the end , but he thrust all the pain and fear from his mind and concentrated on the feel of nika in his arms , letting it comfort him . he did n't think they 'd kill her-at least , not once the feeding frenzy was over and they remembered their orders . all he had to do was stay alive long enough to keep her safe until then . one of his brothers would come for her and save her . andra would come and blow them all to hell . nika would be okay . the frenzy behind him went quiet . no more blades sliced through his skin , which surprised him . maybe he 'd gone into shock and could n't feel anything . but if that was the case , then how could he feel the smoothness of nika 's skin ? feel the sweep of her breath against his face ? confused , madoc glanced over his shoulder . the demons were no longer fighting or feeding . one by one they clutched their heads , then simply fell over , dead . at first , it was just a few , then more and more until not a single demon was left moving . she was killing them from the inside , taking control of their minds , using their hunger for her blood against them . brilliant , beautiful woman . madoc slid his hand so the halves of the luceria locked together . he tried to make power flow into her more easily-doing what little he could to help her . he eased into her thoughts , looking for something more he could do . what he saw made him reel back in horror . her mind was twisting with hunger for blood and a frenzied desire to kill . holes were gouged out of her , ripped away . he could almost see the slimy ties that connected her to the synestryn , thick , oily , and dripping with black blood . fighting to regain those lost chunks of her mind . madoc had to help . he had to slay these things before they ripped her sanity away again . he intended to set her behind him and take up his sword against the synestryn , but his arms were n't working right . his legs buzzed with weakness and he could n't even shift her weight , much less stand . all he could do was shield her with his body and hope she was strong enough to save herself . madoc stared down at her , praying it was n't for the last time . there was so much he wanted for her . so many things she had n't experienced , so many things he wanted to show her . she 'd lost years of her life to the synestryn . it did n't seem fair that she 'd die now . he wished like hell she 'd open her eyes and let him know she was okay . the wet thud of bodies falling to the ground went on for a long time before it finally stopped . madoc did n't have the strength to lift his head . he tried to squeeze her tight to let her know he was there , but his arms were too weak to manage even that . he did n't see how he was going to get either of them out of here . `` i 'm sorry , nika . that failure bore down on him , driving the breath from his lungs . they were bloodshot , which made them look so blue , just like the skies from his childhood . her delicate hand cradled his cheek and he felt a tingling sweep out over his skin . she said it like she thought they had a future together . madoc had been hurt enough times to know that it was n't looking good . he was bleeding out . `` i 've called tynan . `` he drank my blood . `` i 'm not sure how much i like the idea of your being connected to another man . '' and once we get home , i 'm going to show you exactly how you 're different from any other man in my life . '' `` now , that 's something to live for . '' you 're not going to get away from me that easy . '' footsteps came around the corner , but madoc did n't have the strength to see who it was . `` looks like you could use more patching up , '' said tynan . relief made madoc dizzy . and i 'm santa claus . hold on ; this might hurt , '' said tynan . `` we 're in a bit of a rush . '' madoc braced himself , but whatever tynan did felt like he 'd taken a blowtorch to his back . when he laid his hands on nika , madoc nearly stopped him , but figured pain was preferable to bleeding to death . she pulled in a harsh breath , but showed no other signs that tynan had hurt her . tynan was shaking when he pulled his hand away . we need to move before it 's too late . '' `` waiting outside , freezing , '' said tynan . `` let 's go before we ca n't . 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`` today is your birthday , baby . shock stilled tori 's heart for a moment . she had been in those caves forever . not just ten years . andra let out a sad sigh and rose to her feet . anything i can get you ? '' `` no , '' said tori automatically . she did n't like it when people were around . it was easier to think when she was alone under the bed . as she left the room , she said , `` happy birthday , tori , '' then shut the door . tori stared at the cupcake for a long time . she opened the bottom drawer of the little cabinet beside her bed and set the cupcake inside . she might need it later , if she got hungry , and she did n't want anyone to see it and take it away . it was her cupcake . she 'd kill anyone who tried to take it . andra managed to shut the door before the tears started to fall . her baby sister was home , but she was n't okay . whatever the synestryn had done to her had destroyed her . their blood still flowed in her veins . tynan said she was dangerous . to others as well as herself . he wanted to put her in a magically prolonged sleep until they could figure out how to filter her blood . if they could figure out how . so far , everyone had failed . andra had hoped that with time and love , tori would heal , but that was looking less and less likely as each day passed . her husband paul 's comforting presence slid through the luceria that linked them together . he was in a meeting with joseph , but he was never far from her mind . he was worried what tori might do . andra was n't . if she had to , she 'd restrain her sister . she refused to fear her . tori needed help , not to be shunned . the real fear was n't what tori would do to others ; it was what she 'd do to herself . maybe tynan was right . maybe it was time to put tori to sleep . hope stepped through the hole logan had opened in the overhead door . leather stretched over his broad back . she was sure the first time she 'd seen him , he 'd been thinner . but now he was packed with lean , athletic muscle . so much so his coat barely fit . she wanted to run her hands over him to see if it was real or just one more trick her mind had played on her . of course , the thought of touching him made her hands shake and something hot and excited fluttered in her stomach . she had to forcibly drag her gaze away from his back and focus on what they were doing . dust floated in the beam of her flashlight . the scent of lumber and musty animals filled her nose . there was barely any ambient light sliding in from the windows . several of them had been boarded up , and those that were n't were filthy with age and neglect . `` the tyler building . they built custom furniture here years ago . it 's been for sale for as long as i can remember . '' he glanced over his shoulder , his pale eyes brilliant in the dark . `` how did you lose your memory ? '' that 's the thing with amnesia . you ca n't remember . '' `` i do n't know , '' she repeated , shoving the words out from between gritted teeth so he 'd take a hint . why are you looking here for her ? '' `` she lives on the streets . she 'd stay here sometimes , along with a lot of other people . it 's a good place to get out of the cold and snow . '' `` sometimes she comes to the homeless shelter where i volunteer . picks up a quick meal . '' `` are you sure she 's missing ? could it be that she 's moved on ? '' hope sighed , gathering her patience . it was n't his fault he was asking the same questions she 'd already answered a hundred times . `` i 'd like to think she would have said something to me . she knows i worry . '' `` do you worry about all the people you know ? '' `` yes , but not like rory . too young to be out here alone . she told me she was twenty-five , but she looked sixteen . '' `` a runaway ? '' that 's enough to tell me she is n't new to the streets . '' they passed through a doorway that led to a stairwell . logan went up . `` is she a prostitute ? '' his leather jacket creaked . a tension riding along hope 's neck loosened at his words . he was n't the type of man to instantly write off another because of mistakes they 'd made or the things they were driven to do for the sake of survival . it gave her the courage to let him in on her fears . `` have you ever had a bad feeling ? one that would n't go away ? 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`` if you do n't know how this happened , darling , then clearly i 'm not doing it right . '' he tried to smother a smirk and failed . julia opened her eyes to see his own , slightly darkened with masculine pride . `` superman , '' she muttered . `` i should have known you had magic in your genes . '' `` why , yes , mrs. emerson , i do have magic in my jeans . i 'd happily put on a magic show for you at any time . `` very funny , superman . '' he kissed her then , tenderly . it was the kiss of a man who 'd just received what he desired most from his beloved . a most desired , most unexpected gift . i prayed for this , '' he said hesitantly . i should have known that st. francis would not have rested until he persuaded god to give us a baby . '' `` a certain dante scholar convinced me that st. francis tended to get his point across with silence . maybe he did n't say anything . maybe he just stood there . '' `` oh , he said something , '' julia complained . `` this is his way of showing me my lecture was wrong and he actually fought with the demon for guido 's soul . '' `` i doubt that most sincerely . and so would professor wodehouse . in fact , i think st. francis is probably bragging about you among the circle of the blessed . '' `` i did n't give him much to brag about these last few days . i 've been spoiled and selfish . '' gabriel 's tone grew severe . `` you 've been taken by surprise , just like me , but you have more at stake . as i said before , i promise i 'll take on more in order to even things out . '' `` i did n't expect my prayers to be answered . i still ca n't get used to the idea that god would even listen to me , let alone decide to grant my requests . '' `` maybe this is the lavishness of god 's grace , given unexpectedly . '' `` fun dayn moyl in gots oyern . '' `` yiddish ? '' it means , 'from your mouth to god 's ears . ' '' a warm feeling expanded in her middle . `` we 'll be able to teach the baby yiddish . and about his famous great-grandfather , professor spiegel . '' `` and his famous mother , professor julianne emerson . you will finish your program , julianne , and you will become a professor . she burrowed her face in the wool of his winter coat . chapter seventy january 1 , 2012 stowe , vermont paul found himself sitting next to the fireplace in a chalet in the wee hours of the morning . heather and chris had already retired to their bedroom , having rung the new year in already , leaving paul and allison to drink their beer in companionable silence . they were both seated on the floor . allison was gazing at paul with an inscrutable expression on her pretty face . `` do you remember our first time together ? '' he sat bolt upright and nearly expelled his beer . she looked away , visibly embarrassed . `` i was just wondering if you ever thought about it . he began peeling the label from his bottle of samuel adams as he waited for his heart to start beating again . `` is that something you think about a lot ? our first time ? '' paul cared about ali and did n't want to make her feel bad . he did n't want her to be ashamed of their past . he sure as hell was n't . `` um , do n't you ? '' `` you broke up with me , remember ? '' he picked at his beer bottle again . `` i just wondered if you ever thought about me that way . '' but what are you trying to do-torture me ? i had to stop thinking about you like that , otherwise ... '' now it was his turn to look embarrassed . she wrapped her arms around her legs , resting her cheek on her knees . her eyes found his in the firelight and she looked so lost . paul shifted to stare into the flames . `` the way you smell . the way you sound when you whisper in my ear . the way you used to look at me when we ... '' she gave him a half-smile . `` you do n't look at me like that anymore . it was my fault and i have to live with that . '' `` maybe everything happens for a reason . '' paul kept his eyes fixed resolutely on the fire . i just wish i could take it back . that i was n't so stupid . '' `` the long-distance thing was tough for me , too . we were arguing . '' `` they were stupid arguments . '' now he was looking at her . `` stop saying that , okay ? you did what you thought you should do . `` but that 's what i 'm most sorry about , '' she whispered .	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the reality of the situation , the fact that she could lose him , impaled her soul . how could she have considered running from this manto lose out on even one moment of loving him . her mind changed so completely in that moment , she wondered about her prior sanity . she had been so worried about how she would manage life with the wonder called clint wilkins that she had never considered life without him . and she never wanted to find out . she laid his head carefully in her lap . he was unconscious , his breathing erratic . jessica forced herself by sheer will to calm down , to think clearly . she was not ready to lose this manthe love of her life . as she kept the pressure on clint 's head , she stared at his shirt . it looked black instead of green , wet and darkened by his own blood . forced to be still and silent , with nothing to do but wait for help , jessica listened for the first time to her lord . before now , she realized , she 'd allowed her thoughts to scatter about the few memories that had returnedthe ones where clint had disappointed her , or hurt her . i 've never let you have control of this , god . then she had to face it . i 've never let you have total control of anything in my life . i 'm such a fool , lord . as if she had been transported to a different dimension , her mind 's eye began viewing memories in a perfectly displayed sequenceone that only god could orchestrate . as vivid as if they were movies flickering against a screen in the solitude of her mind . memories of clint saving her : from brad at the dance and at the stream , from nearly tumbling off the wagon , from the grizzly bear . memories of clint holding her : on his horse , in his bed at mary 's , after his haircut , after brad assaulted her on the rock , today at the train station . each time they locked gazes , each kind word , each incredible touch , each smoldering kiss . before now jessica had only remembered clint 's commanding personality , her own lustful attraction to him , and the painful episodes . but now god was reminding her of the moments where she had lost her heart to him . now , please , please save him . `` move aside , '' someone commanded . jessica looked up and saw a man with a black bag pushing through the crowd . for the first time since the shooting jessica noticed the dozens of people encircling them . `` i said move aside ! '' finally the crowd shrank back as the man came forward . `` d-dr. barnes , '' jessica squeaked out . the doc knelt beside jessica , his eyes wide , face pale . `` it 's clint , '' he whispered . jessica watched as doc lifted her makeshift bandage and gave the wound a full perusal . he grabbed a blood pressure cuff from his bag and took a reading . `` he 's stable enough for now . who shot him ? '' the doctor asked , reaching into his bag for an antiseptic-laden bandage . the gash was oozing pretty steadily . it was brad . '' jessica knew her answer must have left many questions in the doctor 's mind , but she could n't seem to manage any more . the doc looked over his shoulder to where brad lay . `` that range , and the bullet just grazed clint . a blessing , for sure . '' did she hear him right ? `` so , he 's just knocked out ? '' but , blunt force trauma can cause internal hemorrhage and damage still . we need to get him back to my clinic . '' the doctor glanced back at brad . `` i 'll go check him in a minute . '' `` no need for that , '' another voice boomed over the crowd . jessica and doc looked up to see johnnie walking toward them . johnnie 's expression was taut . his eyes flashed with a multitude of emotions . she knew he had probably read her note and come after her . he sank to a squatting position next to her and looked over at doc . doc just gave him a look . when he finished the bandaging , three other men helped johnnie hoist clint onto a stretcher and load him in doc 's car . jessica rode with him to the clinic . doc did n't take his eyes off the road , but managed to pat jessica 's hand . `` we 'll know more in the next few hours . try not to fret . '' jessica wrung her hands , knowing that doc 's advice would be impossible for her to heed , especially when her last words to clint were full of pain . what if he dies before i can tell him i love himthat i 've loved him from the start ? she did n't realize tears had streamed down her face until the taste of salt hit her lips . `` he has to live , doc . 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around her , a green meadow with yellow wildflowers swayed gently in a softly fragrant breeze . nearby , a stream flowed . though she loved the beach more , she could n't find it in her heart to imagine herself there again . the beach was aidan and lust and longing , things she wanted desperately to feel , but refused to allow herself to . he would not return , and hoping for what would never be was a wasted endeavor . still , she felt him . the power and strength he 'd given to her with his caring had made her surroundings possible . without him , she would still be sitting in the dark , going crazy she sighed and went back to waiting for the night 's guardian to appear , telling herself that she had to move on and be grateful for what she had shared with aidan , even if she still wanted more . his people were an odd bunch , approaching her so cautiously , clearly uncomfortable with their inability to in-tegrate themselves seamlessly into her dream world . the guardians requested that she perform odd exercises , but she remembered aidan 's admonishment to reveal nothing of importance . she never complied or showed them the skills she practiced when she was alone . they , in turn , never revealed very much about themselves . it was a bizarre arrangement , and she could n't help but wonder how long it would go on . she also could n't help but wonder where aidan was , and what he was doing . was he righting with his sword somewhere ? or living out some woman 's fantasy ? the last thought made her shiver with a cold chill that swept across her skin in a wave of goose bumps . it was then that she lifted her gaze and saw him . she blinked to make certain it was he , and when his lusciousness did n't disappear , her heart raced with joy . he entered her dream with that carelessly arrogant stride she loved , but there was something different about him ... an invisible mantle of great weight that seemed to hang on his shoulders . his chiseled features-so harshly , blatantly gorgeous-were set in hard , unyielding lines . his steps relentless as he passed her and went to the stream . he began to strip off his garments , which were blackened by ash and singed in places . the golden skin of his back was bared to her hungry gaze , and then an ass so perfect it made her want to weep in awe . lyssa struggled to think of something to say . instead she made the stream deeper and the water warmer , and put soap on the pebbled bank to assist his bathing . she widened the blanket she rested on and pictured a picnic basket . then wine . all the while she watched him , her blood heating and then becoming sluggish with desire . his large hands soaped his chest , gliding over mouthwatering pecs and ridged abs , his biceps flexing and bunching with latent power . he was a sexual fantasy brought to life . the sight of him did crazy things to her nervous system , but what most affected her was the desolation in his blue eyes . his clothes and demeanor made it seem as if he 'd gone to hell and back . what had they done to him to make him so ... empty ? when aidan sank beneath the surface to rinse his hair and then reemerged , the sunlight caught the droplets on his skin , turning him into some ancient pagan god . dripping and unabashed , he stepped nakd onto the bank and made no effort to retrieve his clothes . she drank him in , every inch of his tawny skin , her gaze lingering on the heavy cck and balls that were impressive even without an erection . he sank to his knees beside her and then caught her close before rolling to his back . they lay there , his embrace laced with an underlying possessiveness that thrilled her . his breath was hot at her crown , his hands kneading her spine . inhaling the clean scent of his damp skin , lyssa stroked his chest in a rhythmic , soothing caress and felt at peace for the first time since he left . `` it was selfish of me to return , '' he said finally , his soft brogue making her n**ples ache . `` if you need something from me , i want to give it to you . '' `` i 'm going to hurt you , but i could n't stay away . '' lyssa lifted her head and made a soft moue at the torment so evident in his features . why would he hurt her ? why could n't he stay away ? she ran her fingers through his damp hair , then toyed with his pendant . his large hand ' slid up to cup the back of her neck , and then pulled her down to his waiting lips . he took her mouth with a deep glide of his tongue across hers . `` aidan ... '' she sighed , her craving for him nearly unbearable . she blinked in surprise at his question , but did n't misunderstand . we 're just friends , although he would like to be something more , and i 'm considering it . 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why could n't this moment go on forever ? why could n't she curl up with him on the bed , watching him sleep in sated contentment , and think about what they 'd do tomorrow ? because she could never be callindra howe again . she could n't even be a woman with a real life . slowly , she worked her lips up sean 's length , looking through her lashes at his flushed face . gratification spread across his face . `` oh , lovely ... '' his voice sounded low and faint . he stumbled on his feet . callie jumped to steady him , then eased him onto the bed . he tumbled back , head on her pillow , his breath evening out . her time with him was almost over . `` i love you , '' he breathed out . she leaned over him , drinking in his strong , relaxed features , firm lips , hard jaw . such a beautiful man ... and he 'd never really know how much she loved him in return . since he was moments from sleep , sean would n't remember anything she said now . he 'd be hurt by her abrupt departure . callie caressed his face , tears forming and falling . she should be leaving right now , throwing on her dark clothes and shimmying outside , but the thought of tearing herself away voluntarily from this bed-from him-was ripping her chest wide open and splintering her heart . `` so tired ... '' he frowned . callie wished she could leave behind a piece of herself for him . maybe then , she could find the will to move on , knowing she 'd done what she could to ease his hurt . an idea flashed across her brain , and she leapt up , digging frantically in sean 's pants until she found his phone . then she shook him awake . callie thrust his phone into his hands . `` unlock this for me . my cell is dead . '' charge it . '' he fought to peer at the screen and tap out the code . on the third try , he finally managed . his arm dropped to his side as deep slumber overtook him . her last waking words to him were a fib . leaving him a recording on his phone was the only way she could think to leave him the truth in her heart . as she flipped through his apps , looking for a place to leave him a video message , she frowned when she stumbled over a picture of herself . but not a current one . it was the yearbook photo she 'd taken her sophomore year , just before her family 's murder had forced her to flee chicago and all she 'd ever known . sean knew her identity . the thought beat through her brain . every word he 'd ever uttered to her was a lie . sucking in a terrified breath , callie leapt away from him and fell to the floor . she fumbled through his pants . his trousers revealed nothing-no driver 's license , no wallet , no badge . she crawled over the carpet until she reached his coat . after patting it twice , she encountered a hard , cold lump . folding back the fabric , she found the inside pocket and peeked down . callie bit back a shriek . her heart beat a fast , staccato rhythm . terror laced her veins with icy fire . he knew who she was and he carried a gun . his plea for her to come away with him ? he 'd probably meant to kill her once he 'd lured her away from thorpe and dominion . whoever had shot her father and sister had come after her more than once to finish the job , but they 'd never gotten close to her . this time , they 'd found her weakness-her fking foolish heart . sean kirkpatrick , the beautiful scot she 'd stupidly fallen for , was trying to kill her . she bit back tears of betrayal and ran . * thorpe ended the call with axel , stunned and blinking . a chill worked through his body . callie ... she was locked in her room with that son of a bitch . tearing down the hall , he rounded the corner , calling security as he ran and grabbing lance , who still stood sentry in the hall . the other dom asked . as soon as axel 's muscle picked up the phone in the booth , thorpe growled , `` callie 's room . on the off chance this turned out to be a misunderstanding or a mistake , he 'd worry about the repercussions of bursting in on them later . lance cursed . thorpe had a terrible feeling . god , why had n't he seen this coming ? `` sean kirkpatrick is a lying motherfucker . nothing he 's told us about himself is true . and he 's here to take callie . '' lance ran faster . they reached her door at the same time as the security guards . panic making his heart drum loudly in his ears , thorpe pounded on the door .	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`` mama- '' `` put bobby on . this present is for him , since you were so ungrateful . '' this ca n't be good , he mouthed as he took the phone from claire . `` how 's the sexiest mother-in-law in the world ? '' after a moment , his smile faded . then : `` you 're kidding me . claire moved toward him , placed her hand on his shoulder . `` that 's incredible , ellie . `` you know we 're here-oh . at the ticket counter . of course we 'll call right away . i ca n't tell you how much this means . claire asked when he hung up the phone . bobby 's smile was so big it creased his whole face into pleats . `` she got me an audition with kent ames at down home records . i 've been playing shit-ass honky-tonk joints for ten years waiting for a break like this . '' claire threw herself at him , holding him tightly in her arms . she told herself it was foolish to have been afraid , worried , but still her hands were shaking . too many bad years with mama , she supposed . she always expected the worst . he twirled her around until they were both laughing . `` this is it , claire . '' she was still laughing when he eased her back to her feet . `` but ... , '' he said , not smiling now . that worry came back . `` the audition is thursday . after that , kent is leaving for a month . '' `` in nashville . '' claire looked up at her husband , who wore his heart in his eyes right now . she knew that if she said no , said , our honeymoon wo n't be over by then , he 'd kiss her and say , okay , maybe call your mama back and see if the audition can be rescheduled in a month . knowing all that made her answer easy . `` i 've always wanted to see opryland . '' bobby pulled her into his arms , gazed down at her . `` i 'd given up , '' he admitted quietly . `` let that be a lesson , '' she answered happily . `` now , hand me that phone . i better let dad and meghann know that we 'll probably add a day or two on to the trip . '' the days with alison settled into a comfortable routine . by the third afternoon , meghann had let go of her obsessive need to show her niece every child-friendly venue in the city . instead , they did simple things . they rented movies and made cookies and played candy land until meg cried out for mercy . each night meg slept with ali tucked in her arms , and each morning she awoke with an unexpected sense of anticipation . she smiled easier , laughed more often . she 'd forgotten how good it felt to care for someone else . when claire called to extend the length of her honeymoon , meg knew she 'd shocked her sister by offering-gladly-to keep alison for a few extra days . unfortunately , the oh-so-important birthday party ruined that option . when saturday finally came , meghann was surprised by the depth of her emotions . all the way to hayden she had to work to keep smiling , while ali chattered nonstop and bounced in her seat . at sam 's house , ali flew into her grandfather 's arms and started telling him about the week . meg kissed her niece good-bye and hurried out of the trailer . that night , she hardly slept at all . she could n't seem to stave off the loneliness . on monday , she went back to work . the hours stacked on top of one another , growing heavier than usual . by 3:00 , she was so tired she could hardly function . she hoped that harriet would n't notice . a useless hope , of course . `` you look bad , '' harriet said when meghann slumped into the familiar chair . `` how did the wedding go ? '' `` it was nice , '' meg said , looking down at her hands . `` even mama could n't ruin it . i planned the wedding , you know . '' i followed your advice and kept my mouth shut . claire and i ... connected again . i even baby-sat my niece during the honeymoon . but now ... '' `` now , what ? '' `` the real world is back . '' `` my condo is quiet . `` your niece was loud ? '' `` she never stopped talking . except when she was asleep . '' meg felt a tightening in her chest . she would miss sleeping with ali , miss having a little girl to care for . `` it reminded you of claire . '' `` lately , everything reminds me of those days . '' `` we were best friends , '' meg said softly . `` she 's married . she has her family . it 's just like before . i probably wo n't hear from her until my birthday . 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but i intend to remedy that tonight , '' i assured him . you wo n't have a very high tolerance . '' he reached out and grabbed a waitress ' arm . bethy put her hands on her hips . not eat . '' rush turned his head toward her so i could n't see his face but i could tell his shoulders had gotten stiff . she needs to eat first or she 'll be bent over puking her guts out and cursing you in two hours time . '' i did n't like to throw up . bethy rolled her eyes and waved her hand in front of her face as if rush was an idiot . i 'm going to get me somethin ' to drink and i 'm getting her something too . the waitress was back with a menu before bethy was done talking . rush took it and turned back to me opening it up . no matter what diva the drunk says you need to eat first . '' i did n't want to get sick . `` the cheesy fries look good . '' rush held up the menu and the waitress came running back . `` cheesy fries . two orders and a tall glass of water . '' once the waitress nodded and walked off , rush leaned back and tilted his head to look over at me . because i 'll be real honest , this music is painful . '' smiling , i shrugged and looked around . there were guys in cowboy hats and then those that just had on regular clothes . some had large belt buckles but for the most part they looked like people in my hometown . `` i just got here and i have n't drunk or danced yet , so i 'll let you know after that happens . '' rush smirked , `` you want to dance ? '' i did want to dance but not with rush . i knew how easily i 'd forget that he was just a friend . but i need a shot of courage first and i need someone to ask me to dance . '' `` i thought i just asked , '' he replied . i put my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my hand . i wanted him to admit this was n't a good idea . rush sighed , `` probably not . '' two plates of cheesy fries slid in front of us and a frozen mug with ice water was set down in front of rush . the food looked surprisingly good . i had n't realized i was so hungry . i needed to keep up with how much i was spending . this was seven dollars . i was n't going to spend more than twenty dollars tonight . that might mean i only got one drink but rush said i needed to eat so i was going to eat . i picked up a fry smothered in cheese and took a bite . `` that 's better than peanut butter sandwiches , is n't it ? '' rush asked with a teasing grin . i nodded and picked up another fry . bethy slid in on her side of the booth carrying two drinks in small little glasses . `` i figured i should start you out easy . tequila is a big girl drink . `` eat a few more fries first , '' rush interrupted her . i took another fry and quickly ate it followed by another . then i reached for the lemon drop . `` okay , i 'm ready , '' i told bethy and she picked hers up and grinned . i watched as she put it to her lips and tilted her head back . then i did the same . only a small burn in my throat . i liked lemon . i put the empty glass down and smiled over at rush who was watching me . `` eat , '' he replied . i tried not to giggle at him but i could n't help it . i took another bite of my fries and bethy reached over and got a few fries too . `` i met some guys at the bar . i pointed you out and they 've been watching us since i sat down . rush moved slightly closer to my side and the warmth from him and the warmth in my stomach made me want to stay right here by my ... friend . which was why i needed to get up . you can keep the booth warm for us in case we come back , '' bethy said . rush did n't move right away and i started to think he was ignoring her or he was going to make me eat some more . he finally slid out and stood up . anything to make him smile and stop scowling but i did n't know what to say . i 'm here if you need me , '' he said in a low whisper as he stepped close to me . my chest tightened and i wanted to crawl back in that booth with him . `` come on blaire . tell everyone you 're twenty-one . '' bethy pulled me over to two guys who were obviously checking us out . one was tall with long blond hair tucked behind his ears . he looked like he had n't shaved in a few days and underneath his tight fitting flannel shirt his body seemed impressive . his eyes were on me , then on bethy , and then back on me .	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ren might not have seen . she only hoped he hadnt seen . he had his head down , walking in the direction of the gym as fast as he decently could . oh , dear she heard one mother murmur behind her . no date poor honey , that has to hurt who is it ? oh , ren fletcher , said someone else , in a tone that said if it was ren , it didnt matter much . pascale turned , found that it was annette shepherd whod spoken , and looked daggers at her . the woman at least had the grace to blush . i think weve come too early , she murmured . neve said they were planning to get here late im not just taking pictures of my own child , said another mother pascale didnt know . i think they all look beautiful . she sounded self-righteous about it , and pascale realized she was making a dig at annette , who had kept her looks and her figure too well to be popular amongst some of the other parents . pascale had left the group at that point , irritated by the gossip and unhappy about her son . ren had disappeared now , hopefully still unaware of the damage shed caused him in unwittingly signaling to all the other parents that hed been stood up for prom . i will never do it again , shed vowed . i will hold my tongue , no matter what . shed never imagined , back then , how much she would need that vow , over the years , when it came to ren and ruths marriage . and now this was tully , at last . this is my mother , ren said . theyd already met his dad out in the yard , cutting back a dead tree . hed shaken tullys hand in a big , bear-like grip , told her it was a great day for a ride and then apologized for wanting to get back to work . i want to get this taken care of before i go check on coco . she has the foaling alarm in place and she doesnt even notice it , its just a headstall with a transmitter thatll go off if she lies down in foaling position for the right amount of time . i think shes showing some signs . her croup muscles have been spongy for a few days , and shes leaking milk . his enthusiasm had been comical and rather cute . tully pascale fletcher stepped forward and kissed her , left cheek , then right cheek , then left again , very french . she was wearing black leggings and a bright , chunky sweater , and her thick , iron gray hair had a chic cut currently scraped back into a ponytail , as if she was impatient about it getting in the way . you will call me pascale , wont you ? she had a strong and very attractive accent . they let each other go and smiled , a little tentative but ready to like each other , tully thought . are you coming in for coffee before you ride , ren ? no , i think wellat least tully ? can we ride first ? im a little nervous about the whole thing , and thats only going to get worse if i have more time to think about it . pascale touched her arm again . we have an old mare , lucette , who is so quiet we put the children on her , even jerome and hes only two . shes not the one whos in foal ? no , thats coco , and she is not quiet ! she is a little minx . ren did your father tell you about the stallion ? no , last time we talked about it , he was going to call the sellers and see what they could tell him , but he hasnt told me what they said , and i keep forgetting to ask him . hes a thoroughbred , he was only on the property for a few weeks , for spelling from the racetrack , and he wasnt supposed to get into her yard . he jumped a six foot fence to reach her . wow , she must have smelled pretty good to him . they didnt realize hed been in there long enough to well take any action , so to speak . they thought theyd found him right away , which is why they never mentioned it when your father bought her . but obviously hed been there longer than they thought , and she was in foal to him . yeah , two or three minutes longer , at least ! she must be due any day . dad seems to think so , anyhow . oh , we have that foaling alarm all set up , believe me , with the receiver in our bedroom ! i am tired of hearing about it , and i cant wait until it goes off and something happens , and then i dont have to hear about it anymore . you know dad and his new toys . do you want him to help you saddle the horses ? hes brought them in for you . we could have caught them ourselves , and well be fine with saddling them . see you later on ? ill be in my studio . if youre here for lunch , itll only be what we can find .	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particularly will 's mother . ronnie had seen her twice since the wedding : once as she waited in the truck at will 's house while will ran inside to pick up a clean shirt , and once at a restaurant in downtown wilmington when will took her out . as they 'd taken their seats , susan had walked in with a group of her friends . ronnie had a perfect view of the entrance , but will was facing in the other direction . on both occasions , susan had pointedly turned her back to ronnie . she had n't told will about either incident . while will was lost in his own world of retribution and worry , ronnie noticed that susan seemed to believe ronnie was somehow personally responsible for the tragedy that had befallen blaze . as she stood in her bedroom , she watched will 's sleeping figure from a distance . he was curled up near the turtles ' nest ; because a few of the other nests had begun to hatch , they 'd removed the cage this afternoon , and the nest was completely exposed . neither of them felt good about leaving it unattended for the night , and because will was spending less and less time at home anyway , he 'd volunteered to watch it . she did n't want to think about their newfound troubles , but she found herself replaying all that had happened this summer . she could barely remember the girl she 'd been when she 'd first arrived at the beach . and the summer was n't over yet ; in a couple of days , she 'd turn eighteen , and after one last weekend together , will would be leaving for college . her next court appearance was scheduled a few days after that , and then she 'd have to go back to new york . so much already done and so much left to do . and whose life was she leading ? more than that , where would it take her ? these days , none of it and all of it felt real , more real than anything she 'd known : her love for will , her growing bond with her father , the way her life had slowed down , so simply and completely . all of it sometimes seemed to be happening to someone else , someone she was still getting to know . never in a million years would she have considered the idea that a sleepy beach town somewhere in the south would have been filled with so much more ... life and drama than manhattan . smiling , she had to admit that with a few exceptions , it had n't been all that bad , either . she was sleeping in a quiet bedroom beside her brother , separated only by glass and sand from the young man she loved , a young man who loved her back . she wondered whether there could be anything greater in life . and despite all that had happened , maybe because of it , she knew she would never forget the summer they 'd spent together , no matter what the future might bring . lying in bed , she began to drift off to sleep . her last conscious thought was that there was more coming . although that sensation often foretold the worst , she knew that could n't be possible , not after all they 'd been through . in the morning , however , she awoke feeling anxious . as always , she was acutely conscious of the fact that another day had passed , meaning one less day left with will . but as she lay there , trying to make sense of the unease she felt , she realized it was n't just that . will was heading off to college next week . even kayla was heading off to college . yet she still had no idea what was coming for her . yeah , she 'd turn eighteen , and yeah , she 'd deal with whatever the court decided , but then what ? was she going to live with her mom forever ? should she apply for a job at starbucks ? for an instant she flashed on a image of herself holding a shovel and following behind elephants at the zoo . it was the first time she 'd confronted the future so directly . she 'd always held to the breezy belief that everything would turn out okay , no matter what she decided . and it would , she knew ... for a while . but did she still want to be living with her mom at nineteen ? or twenty-one ? or , god forbid , twenty-five ? and how on earth was someone supposed to earn enough on her own-and afford to live in manhattan-without a college degree ? all she knew for certain was that she was n't ready for the summer to end . she was n't ready to go back home . she was n't ready to think about will wandering the green quads at vanderbilt , walking beside coeds in cheerleader outfits . she did n't want to think about any of it . * * * `` is everything okay ? you 've been kind of quiet , '' will said . `` it 's just that i 've got a lot on my mind . '' they were sitting at the pier , sharing bagels and coffee , which they 'd picked up on the way .	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it was all he 'd ever known , all he was good at . but annie had n't understood . she did n't know the gutters he 'd crawled through in his life . oh , was all she 'd said , but there 'd been a wealth of newfound awareness in the word , a tiny unsteadiness in her voice that he 'd never heard before . after that , they had lain side by side on the scratchy green blanket , staring up at the clouds , their bodies an infinitesimal distance apart . it was so simple to him back then . he loved annie ... but kathy needed him , and her need was a powerful draw . he 'd asked kathy to marry him just a few months before graduation , but it did n't matter by then , because annie had known he would . they tried , after the engagement , to keep their friendship together , but inevitably they 'd begun to drift apart . it had become nick-and-kathy , with annie a bystander . by the time annie left for college , amid a shower of promises to keep in touch , nick had known there would be no lifelong friendship , no gruesome threesome anymore . by the time he got back from lurlene 's , it was almost nine-thirty . well past a six-year-old 's bedtime , but nick did n't have the heart to put her right to bed . izzy sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the cold , black fireplace . it had always been her favorite spot in this house ; at least , it had been in the old days when there was always a fire crackling behind her , always a wave of gentle heat caressing her back . she was holding her rag doll , miss jemmie , in one arm-the best she could do since she 'd begun `` disappearing . '' the silence in the room was overwhelming , as pervasive as the dust that clung to the furniture . it shredded nick into helpless pieces . he kept trying to start a conversation with his daughter , but all his efforts fell into the black well of izzy 's silent world . `` i 'm sorry about what happened at school , izzy-bear , '' he said awkwardly . she looked up , her brown eyes painfully dry and too big for the milky pallor of her tiny face . the words were wrong ; he knew that instantly . he was n't just sorry about what had happened at school . he was sorry about all of it . the death , the life , and all the years of distance and disappointment that had led them to this pitiful place in their lives . mostly , he was sorry that he was such a failure , that he had no idea where to go from here . he got up slowly and went to the window . a glimmer of moonlight skated across the black surface of mystic lake , and a dim bulb on the porch cast a yellow net across the twin rocking chairs that had n't been used in months . rain fell in silver streaks from the roofline , clattering on the wooden steps . he knew that izzy was watching him warily , waiting and worrying about what he would do next . sadly , he knew how that felt , to wait with bated breath to see what a parent would do next . he knew how it twisted your insides into a knot and left you with barely enough oxygen to draw a decent breath . the memory came to him softly , unintentionally , encoded in the percussive symphony of the rain , the plunking sound of water hitting wood . it reminded him of a day long ago , when a similar rain had hammered the rusty hood of his mother 's old impala ... he was fifteen years old , a tall , quiet boy with too many secrets , standing on the street corner , waiting for his mother to pick him up from school . the kids moved past him in a laughing , talking centipede of blue jeans and backpacks and psychedelic t-shirts . he watched enviously as they boarded the yellow buses that waited along the curb . at last , the buses drove away , chugging smoke , changing gears , heading for neighborhoods nick had never seen , and the school yard fell silent . the gray sky wept . cars rushed down the street in a screeching , rain-smeared blur . none of the drivers noticed a thin , black-haired boy in ragged , holey jeans and a white t-shirt . he had been so damned cold ; he remembered that most of all . there was no money for a winter coat , and so his flesh was puckered and his hands were shaking . that was the prayer he 'd offered again and again , but without any real hope . he hated to wait for his mother . as he stood there , alone , his chin tucked into his chest for warmth , he was consumed by doubt . how drunk would she be ? would it be a kind , gentle day when she remembered that she loved him ?	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otherwise , we would have had a long walk up , '' meg said with a laugh as they stepped out in front of a door marked penthouse . she nodded while he unlocked the door . flipping on a light , he led her inside . this is almost done , but it 's possible somebody left something lying on the floor . '' `` wow , '' was all she could say , looking around at the huge luxury apartment . though it was n't finished , with bare floors and a few spackle marks on some drywall , it was easy to envision the final product . `` wait 'll you see the view . '' he walked across the penthouse to a sliding-glass door that took up most of one wall . when she followed , she saw what he meant . the penthouse overlooked some of the downtown area . twinkling lights of buildings , some higher , some shorter , mingled with the stars emerging in the night sky . he looked as pleased as a kid who 'd done well on a test . it 's okay for a picnic ? '' he asked as he spread a large blanket out on the floor in front of the door . she sat , still staring outside . `` nothing fancy , just good italian bread and cheese , and some fruit . '' he began to unload the basketful of food . he removed a bottle of wine , uncorked it and poured them each a glass . taking off his hard hat , he scooped some ice into it , and put the bottle inside . `` can i take mine off , too ? '' he reached for her hat and gently pulled it off . `` i think i can promise nothing 's going to fall on you up here . '' she could n't blame the wicked thought on the wine , which she had n't even sipped yet . she looked away , not wanting him to see the needy look in her eyes . aside from the food , he 'd thought of lighting and music . candles and a battery-operated cd player set the right tone for their penthouse date . `` this is a very romantic thing to do . '' `` probably sappy . but , hey , friday 's valentine 's day . every guy ought to dig down and discover a little bit of romance in his soul for valentine 's day . even if it 's just delivering something sweet wrapped up in a red satin bow . '' `` you obviously did n't have to dig too far . no man ever went to this much trouble for me before . my typical valentine 's day involves sticky little fingers stuck to red construction paper hearts , not red satin . '' he chuckled , then met her eye steadily . `` and i bet you keep every one of them , do n't you ? '' she answered with a slow nod . `` in a box in my closet . '' he seemed to like her answer . she held her breath as he reached out to touch her cheek , scraping the back of his finger from her hairline to her jaw in a caress so tender it made her sigh . she somehow resisted the urge to turn her face , to taste the tip of his finger , to press a hot kiss in his palm . `` you 're so special , meg . '' she shrugged , reaching for her glass and sipping from it , trying to busy herself so she would n't throw her arms around his neck . `` no , just sentimental . '' `` i warn you , '' she returned , `` i cry buckets at movies . '' he nodded and earnestly replied , `` i cried when dumbo 's mother got locked up . '' `` everybody cried when dumbo 's mother got locked up . besides , when did you see it ? twenty years ago ? '' `` last christmas , '' he replied , deadpan . she lightly smacked his shoulder . i bought it for my new baby godson . i 'm starting him a disney collection . '' `` you really cried ? '' `` well , okay , maybe not real tears . but , man , it came close when my sister-in-law came in to tell us dinner was ready , and that she 'd made the turkey . '' `` she is the world 's worst cook . i think even my brother nick , the cop , cried then . and that started a fight because mark , the marine , noticed and gave him crap about it . my mother came after them with a wooden spoon when they started yelling and woke up the baby . '' she shook her index finger at him accusingly . `` so the baby was asleep while you were watching dumbo ? '' he stared , obviously realizing he 'd just been nailed . `` damn , you 're quick . they both laughed as he poured them each more wine . he served meg some bread , torn fresh off the loaf . falling into the same easy sense of companionship they 'd felt the night before in his truck , they spent another hour laughing , whispering , sharing cheese and grapes , and watching the stars come out above .	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a restraining hand on his arm from dent kept him in his seat . `` that 's a lot of sheep , missy , '' dent said , giving her a look that said she had lost her mind . `` do n't you think we maybe should have discussed this before you bought them ? '' `` perhaps , but i assumed you men would all belittle my idea , think i 'd gone crazy , and do your best to talk me out of it , '' aundy said , starting to lose her temper . she needed the men and appreciated their hard work , but she sorely wished they 'd quit treating her as if she had rocks in her head . `` i researched the options extensively and came to the conclusion that sheep would provide additional income , could be pastured on less acreage than the cattle and should be far easier to care for . '' `` but i done told ya ... '' fred started to say , but was interrupted by aundy . getting to her feet , stretching to her full height that was taller than several of the men , she gave her temper free rein . angry blue sparks shot from her eyes , burning into those seated at her table , rendering them speechless . `` i quite clearly heard what you told me , fred . i did take that into consideration . i need all of you here on the farm . the thought of any of you leaving , for any reason , saddens me greatly . you work harder than i expect and are far more dedicated than i deserve . i appreciate each one of you , which is why i do n't want any of you to have to spend time working with the sheep . mr. o'connell said his shepherd would be happy to keep his job regardless of who he 'll be working for , '' aundy said , taking a calming breath and sitting down again . `` perhaps at some point , once we get our feet back under us , we can look at getting cattle once again . i know you all prefer working with the cattle . for now , though , we have a farm that needs care and are short on people willing to work for a woman . if you 'll stick with me , i will do my very best to make it worth your while . '' `` you really are n't going to make us work with the sheep ? '' bill asked , glancing at fred , who looked mad enough to chew nails . you certainly may if you choose , but i wo n't demand any of you work with the sheep on a daily basis . if they get out or we need to move them to another pasture , i may ask for your assistance , but other than that , you wo n't have to work with the sheep . when it 's time to cut their wool , i plan to hire a crew to see that done . '' the men sat quietly for a few minutes , considering their options . aundy treated them fairly , paid them well , and often made them special treats . they all knew they 'd be hard pressed to find somewhere to work where they earned as much pay with comparable working conditions . `` i apologize for springing this on you , but i did n't know what else to do , '' aundy said , looking pointedly at dent . he stared at her for a minute before nodding his head in resignation . aundy could have mustered up some tears and turned the men in her favor . she 'd seen countless women do just that , but she did n't operate that way . if she wanted men to treat her like the owner of a farm , then she 'd swallow back her emotions and act like one . `` please , give me and the sheep a chance . '' the men glanced at one another and finally dent gave her a tight smile . `` we 'll give it a chance , but if it looks like it is n't going to work , will you agree to sell them ? '' `` absolutely , '' aundy said , nodding her head , glad the conversation went as well as it had . `` if you 'll come back just before noon , i 'll feed you lunch and then the sheep should be here . '' `` yes , ma'am , '' dent said , getting to his feet and opening the door while the other men filed out . turning to aundy , he studied her a moment , looking thoughtful . `` i sure hope you know what you 're doing . '' `` me , too , '' aundy said , with a bravado she was far from feeling as dent went out the door . washing the breakfast dishes , she checked on the stew and finished what lunch preparations she could . bringing in the clean laundry from the line , she ironed and then put away the clothes . glancing at the clock , she had a couple of hours before the men would return to eat , so she took the pile of dresses that belonged to erik 's mother to her bedroom and began trying them on to see if she could wear any of the clothes . buttoning a navy calico dress sprigged with dainty pink flowers , she ran her hand down the fabric .	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`` please do n't tell trent about our ... involvement . '' `` i meant it when i told you i 'd keep our private business between us . '' `` i just needed to be sure . she closed the distance between them , rose on tiptoe and kissed him briefly , then rocked back on her heels and took a deep breath . `` let me get this bird in the air and get us home . '' she turned toward the cockpit and a heavy weight descended over him . what in the hell was his problem ? he was falling for lauren lynch . nine emotion grabbed lauren by the throat thursday evening . the accident report fell from her shaking hands to the floor inside her apartment door where she 'd torn open the package the moment the deliveryman had departed.grief , relief and despair twisted inside her like a waterspout . her father 's death had n't been suicide . his crash had been caused by mechanical defect in the plane 's design . the plane she 'd helped him build . a logical corner of her mind insisted she was n't an aeronautical engineer , and could n't have predicted the bolt would shear off or the disastrous results . but she 'd practically been raised in a hangar . she knew aircraft structure and maintenance backward and forward , and she 'd worked by her father 's side on this project for the past ten years . as many times as they 'd dismantled and reassembled the major components , why had n't she noticed the faulty part ? and how had he flown the plane so many times before without incident ? she stabbed a hand into her hair and circled the room . maybe if he 'd let her fly the plane , she 'd have felt an unusual shimmy or lack of responsiveness the failing bolt would have caused . maybe she could have averted disaster . but her father had never let her take the controls of what he 'd called his baby . she had to call lou . she reached for her phone , and checked her watch . no one would be in the office this late in the evening . she punched his cell number . when voice mail picked up on the first ring she groaned in frustration . he 'd forgotten to turn on his phone again . she left a quick message and disconnected . for a man who could handle any technical aspect of an airplane , he hated what he called modern contraptions like cell phones . she 'd only recently convinced him to use the internet . she 'd have to call him at home later after his thursday night bowling club . but she needed to talk to someone now , someone who would understand the contradictory guilt and relief racking her . the idea hit her with a jolt of adrenaline . he had a way of looking at a situation from all angles . maybe he could help her work through the emotions torturing her . she had n't seen him since a scowling trent had met them the moment lauren had opened the airplane door monday night , and strangely enough , she 'd missed gage the past three days . had what they 'd shared in san francisco meant nothing to him ? had he decided to dump her now that he 'd slept with her ? the idea hurt , and that was stupid because there was no chance of a future between them . but still ... she 'd thought him different from the whits of this world who used a woman then moved on as soon as a model with better perks and more connections came along . if she had n't , she never would have gone to bed with gage . either way , she did n't want to call him . because of his connection to trent , revealing the financial reasons some believed her father had committed suicide would n't be a good idea . falcon 's indebtedness would only reinforce every negative belief her half siblings had about her . that left jacqui-if jacqui was back in the country . she had n't been home when lauren returned from san francisco . but jacqui was n't a good choice since she was rarely the voice of reason . still ... as much as lauren had been haranguing her mother for answers , jacqui deserved to know what the report had uncovered . lauren grabbed the papers and her keys and raced down the stairs to her truck . the bite of the cold night air penetrated her sweater , making her realize she 'd forgotten her coat . she was n't taking the time to go back and fetch it . shivering , she revved the engine and headed for the hightower estate . if she was lucky , trent would n't be there . twenty minutes later she hit the doorbell . fritz opened the door . `` good evening , miss lynch . '' `` in the salon . '' fritz turned and led the way . `` ms. lynch , for you , madam . '' he stepped aside , revealing jacqui sitting near the fireplace , dressed immaculately as always , this time in a dark teal color that brought out the color of her eyes .	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she saw how her words hurt him , and she thought , good , and went upstairs to claim her room . * * * on her first day at beverly hills high school , marah knew that she would never fit in here . the kids were like beings from another planet . the student parking lot was filled with mercedes-benzes and porsches and bmws . the carpool lane actually had a few limousines in between the luxury cars and range rovers . not every kid was dropped off by a driver , of course , but the point was that some were . marah could n't believe it . the girls were gorgeous , with expertly colored hair and purses that cost more than some cars . they clung together in well-dressed pods . no one even said hi to marah . on her first day , she moved through her classes on autopilot . none of her teachers called on her or asked her questions . she sat alone at lunch , barely listening to the commotion going on around her , not caring about anything . in fifth period , she took a seat in the back and put her head down while the other students took a test . the loneliness she felt was epic , overwhelming . she kept thinking how much she needed her friends-and her mom-to talk to . it hurt so much she felt herself start to shake . she looked up through the curtain of her hair . the teacher-ms. appleby-had stopped at her desk . `` come see me if you need help getting up to speed . i 'm always available . '' she set a syllabus on the desk . `` we all know how hard it is , with your mom ... '' `` dead , '' marah said flatly . if adults were going to talk to her , they might as well say the word . she hated all those pauses and sighs . ms. appleby could n't move away fast enough . marah smiled grimly . it was n't much of a defense , having to say the word , but it was effective . the other kids jumped up and immediately started talking . marah did n't make eye contact with any of them , and no one made eye contact with her . she was dressed all wrong ; she 'd known that when she stepped onto the bus . this was n't a school where macy 's jeans and a fitted blouse were going to cut it . she loaded up her backpack , making sure that her books were in order and facing the right way . it was a new obsession , one she could n't shake . she needed her things to be orderly . alone , she walked out into the hallway . a few kids were still out here , roughhousing and laughing . overhead , a big yellow banner hung limply , pulled loose from one of its moorings . it read : go normans . someone had scratched out normans , written trojans , and drawn a penis beneath the words . it was the sort of thing she would have told her mom about . they would have laughed together , and when they were done , mom would have launched into one of her serious talks about sex and teenage girls and appropriateness . `` you do realize you 're standing in the middle of the hallway , staring at a penis , and crying , right ? '' marah turned and saw a girl beside her . she had on enough makeup for a photo shoot , and boobs that looked like footballs . `` leave me the hell alone , '' marah said , pushing past the girl . she knew she should have made a smart-ass comment , loudly enough to be overheard . that was how to get some cool cred , but she did n't care . she did n't want new friends . she skipped last period and left campus early . maybe that would get her dad 's attention . she walked all the way home , but it did n't help to be in this cold house that sounded echoey when she walked through it . the boys were with irena-the older woman her dad had hired to be a part-time nanny-and dad was still at work . she walked through the big , impersonal house , but it was n't until she got to her room that her resolve started to crack . her room had pale , striped wallpaper and wooden floors and lamps instead of an interrogation-bright overhead light fixture . she walked over to the sleek black dresser , imagining the one that should be there-her dresser , the one her mom had hand-painted all those years ago . ( more colors , mommy ; more stars . ) it would look absurdly out of place in this austere room , as peculiar as marah at beverly hills high . she reached for the small shrek jewelry box she 'd packed so carefully and brought down here . she 'd gotten it from tully on her twelfth birthday . it seemed smaller than she remembered , and greener . she turned the key to wind it and lifted the hinged lid .	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the music pounded and both male and female entertainers hung suspended in glass cages , revving up the masses as they rocked and rolled in g-strings . he bit back a groan and wondered what the hell he was doing there . his long shift was over , and he craved some downtime . instead , he 'd let his boss talk him into a one-night stand for the evening on the pretense the whole experience would be good for him . shaking his head , he glanced at his watch again . he 'd had a bitch of a day . dealing cards called to his soul , but a bunch of sore losers and drunks had remained at his table to torture him . now he waited in the trendiest club in vegas for a woman he 'd never met and tried to ignore his throbbing head . he curbed his impatience and took another sip of beer . ever since leaving atlantic city for a change of scene , he 'd been grateful . vegas satisfied his sense of adventure and hard play and the past year proved he 'd made the right decision . after the breakup with his fiancee , his old friend and owner of the castillo hotels , jackson castillo , urged him to start new . he 'd met jackson years ago at a mutual friend 's bachelor party , and they 'd indulged in a drunken fest that rivaled the hangover . they had emerged close friends and kept in touch . jackson kept bugging him to deal in vegas and work for his hotel . rick always refused , until he 'd walked in on his fiancee giving his groomsman a blowjob . he moved to vegas the next week . though it was difficult leaving his brothers , jackson had been right . he rented a beautiful apartment , made good money , and had endless women stretched out before him in one glorious chorus line . he 'd moved past his heartbreak and unleashed his single status on a number of very willing participants . so why am i unhappy ? he pushed the annoying thought away and tried to get a grip . okay , so it had been months since he 'd last taken a woman to bed . hell , he 'd thought jackson would applaud his selectiveness instead of urging him to accept a date through madame evangeline 's 1night stand dating service . of course , it did n't help that jackson met his own wife through the famous , yet mysterious , madame . and when madame eve actually requested rick to meet this particular woman , well , jackson declared the whole coincidence a sign . rick decided his friend would n't shut up until he agreed , so he 'd bitten the proverbial bullet and given in . his lips twisted in mock humor as he set the empty bottle down on the glass table . he wondered briefly why anyone would hand select him to meet any woman , let alone this tara denton-who 'd apparently been through a brutal past according to the report eve sent-and needed a tender hand . he liked to keep his distance from women . get in and get out with his soul and heart intact . a little respect , a lot of pleasure , and no boundaries crossed . of course , that 's another reason he 'd taken a break . easier to wake up alone than face the empty feeling of meeting a woman 's sleepy gaze and realize she 'd never be the one . or even the one for another evening . muttering under his breath , he fished it out and read the flashing text . bonsoir , rick . are you ready for your adventure ? his fingers paused on the keys . a slither of unease skated down his spine . his gut screamed once he agreed , his life would never be the same . he typed his answer with the ease of an expert and sealed his fate . good evening , madame eve . i shall put myself in your capable hands . a smiley face popped up on the blackberry screen . your date is in the blue room awaiting your arrival . right corner table . he shook his head at the enigmatic conversation and headed past the bar . the pulsing hip hop music dimmed as he made his way through a large tunnel of elaborate glass where an impressive number of gold statues were displayed in different forms of eroticism . he took a hard left , and entered the blue room . aptly named , the quieter lounge area spilled an eerie blue light , reminding him of the blue grotto in capri . the room shimmered from the floor to the ceiling with stunning crushed turquoise crystals embedded in every surface . a large aquarium tank took up one wall , displaying exotic fish in all sizes and colors , sea turtles , and stingrays . the sensual sounds of a flute and trickling water spilled from the background speakers a few feet down from the main club , and gave the impression of another reality . the room was soundproofed to close out the loud dance music and invoke a different experience . the exotic atmosphere impressed him every time he entered the themed room , even in vegas . he let his eyes adjust to the change of light and focused on the far right corner .	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so , as he promised , he reached into her mind with the intent to render her unconscious . she stayed on her feet . that same blue light that had crushed the demons against the wall formed around him in a cylinder , pinning his arms to his sides . he felt his feet leave the ground , and as she walked deeper into the caves , cain bobbed beside her like a balloon on a string . a slow , wicked smile curved her pretty mouth , and when she spoke , the voice that came out was not hers . it was a low , hissing threat . * * * chain the human to my bed . lock the child in a kennel in my room to ensure her cooperation . those had been raygh 's orders to canaranth , given in such an arrogant , assuming tone it was obvious he did n't even question whether or not canaranth would obey . is that what he 'd become ? a lackey who did what he was told without thought or opinion ? yes , raygh could kill him with little more than a twitch of his finger . and yes , he was one of the synestryn lords who ruled with ruthless control . but that did n't mean canaranth was a coward . he loved ella as much as a monster like him was capable of loving anyone . and his child ... he 'd never thought to feel such profound hope as he had when he 'd held his son in his arms . he 'd helped ella escape once . and while he 'd broken his promise to come find her , he 'd done it for her own good . she was supposed to be safe behind the sentinels ' hidden walls . if it were n't for connal , she still would be . canaranth was partially responsible for the events that had led up to ella being back inside the caves . if he 'd defied zillah , refusing to feed connal , none of this would have happened . but it had , and now it was canaranth 's job to protect his family . he carried ella into a small stone chamber . their son sat atop his mother , staring at canaranth with huge , dark eyes . as he watched , plumes of inky black swirled within his irises , barely visible against the rich brown color . `` i 'm your father , '' he told the boy . you and your mother will be safe . '' he was n't sure how he was going to make that happen-raygh would be furious that he 'd been disobeyed . still , it was worth whatever punishment he suffered to see his family back in the hands of the sentinels . there were two of them here , now . he could smell them nearby . all he had to do was make sure they got out of here alive to take ella and the boy away . it struck him that he did n't even know his son 's name . what kind of father did n't know such a fundamental fact about his own flesh and blood ? with a twist of regret for things he knew he could never have , canaranth shoved the compulsion of sleep away from ella 's mind , waking her . her human eyes were no longer used to the dark the way they had been . and even then , she 'd always needed some light to see . the lighter he carried had reminded him of her , and he once again put it to good use . the flame flared to life , shining over her face . the golden glow wrapped around her , as if it wanted to be a part of her . so pretty , so clean and soft . he 'd missed everything about her , and only now had he realized how inadequate his memory had been compared to the real thing . `` canaranth ? '' you 're safe now , but you must leave here . it 's not safe for you or our son . '' the child had remained utterly silent-no fussy cries or babbling squawks . ella pulled the boy to her chest in a hug . `` you knew he was yours ? '' his scent . '' come away with us . '' they would hunt me down . '' we 'll hide . '' `` there is nowhere you and i can live in safety . how you managed to keep our son alive for so long is a wonder . he 's so big . '' i named him ethan . all he needs is us to love him . and the sun . '' if he had n't already been aware of the giant rift between them , that made it clear . `` sunlight keeps him alive ? '' like the other boy . i hid his synestryn side . canaranth stroked ethan 's silky cheek . `` do n't talk like you 'll never see him again , '' said ella . `` we 're going to be together now . '' she would fight him if he told the truth . later , she would be angry over his lie , but it was for the best . he forced himself to give her a reassuring smile . `` okay , then you need to listen carefully .	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932], ["finger", 946], ["lord", 992], ["lords", 992], ["rule", 1002], ["ruled", 1002], ["ruthless", 1016], ["control", 1024], ["mean", 1048], ["meanest", 1048], ["coward", 1071], ["love", 1082], ["loved", 1082], ["ella", 1087], ["ellas", 1087], ["much", 1095], ["monster", 1108], ["capable", 1129], ["capablest", 1129], ["love", 1139], ["loving", 1139], ["anyone", 1146], ["never", 1178], ["feel", 1194], ["profound", 1208], ["profoundest", 1208], ["hope", 1213], ["hold", 1239], ["held", 1239], ["son", 1247], ["help", 1274], ["helpest", 1274], ["helped", 1274], ["escape", 1286], ["escapes", 1286], ["break", 1316], ["broke", 1316], ["broken", 1316], ["promise", 1328], ["come", 1336], ["find", 1341], ["good", 1378], ["suppose", 1397], ["supposed", 1397], ["safe", 1408], ["safes", 1408], ["safed", 1408], ["behind", 1415], ["sentinel", 1429], ["sentinels", 1429], ["hides", 1438], ["hidden", 1438], ["wall", 1444], ["walls", 1444], ["still", 1484], ["partially", 1519], ["responsible", 1531], ["event", 1546], ["events", 1546], ["lead", 1559], ["leaded", 1559], ["led", 1559], ["back", 1581], ["inside", 1588], ["defy", 1616], ["defied", 1616], ["zillah", 1623], ["refuse", 1634], ["refusing", 1634], ["fed", 1642], ["feed", 1642], ["none", 1656], ["happen", 1684], ["happened", 1684], ["job", 1731], ["jobbing", 1731], ["protect", 1742], ["protectest", 1742], ["family", 1753], ["carry", 1766], ["carried", 1766], ["small", 1784], ["stone", 1790], ["stoning", 1790], ["chamber", 1798], ["sat", 1814], ["sit", 1814], ["atop", 1819], ["mother", 1830], ["mothered", 1830], ["motherest", 1830], ["stare", 1840], ["stared", 1840], ["staring", 1840], ["dark", 1870], ["eye", 1875], ["eyed", 1875], ["eyes", 1875], ["watch", 1891], ["watched", 1891], ["plume", 1900], ["plumed", 1900], ["plumes", 1900], ["inky", 1908], ["black", 1914], ["swirl", 1922], ["swirls", 1922], ["swirlest", 1922], ["swirled", 1922], ["within", 1929], ["iris", 1940], ["irises", 1940], ["barely", 1949], ["visible", 1957], ["rich", 1974], ["brown", 1980], ["browns", 1980], ["color", 1986], ["father", 2008], ["fathered", 2008], ["fathering", 2008], ["boy", 2029], ["sure", 2085], ["go", 2102], ["goest", 2102], ["going", 2102], ["happen", 2122], ["furious", 2145], ["disobey", 2171], ["disobeyed", 2171], ["worth", 2194], ["whatever", 2203], ["punishment", 2214], ["suffer", 2226], ["suffering", 2226], ["suffered", 2226], ["see", 2233], ["hand", 2262], ["hands", 2262], ["two", 2296], ["twos", 2296], ["smell", 2332], ["smelt", 2332], ["smellest", 2332], ["nearby", 2344], ["get", 2386], ["got", 2386], ["alive", 2404], ["take", 2412], ["away", 2434], ["strike", 2446], ["struck", 2446], ["know", 2476], ["knowest", 2476], ["name", 2492], ["kind", 2504], ["fundamental", 2546], ["fact", 2551], ["flesh", 2571], ["fleshest", 2571], ["blood", 2581], ["bloods", 2581], ["blooded", 2581], ["twist", 2596], ["twisted", 2596], ["twisting", 2596], ["regret", 2606], ["thing", 2617], ["things", 2617], ["know", 2625], ["knowest", 2625], ["knew", 2625], ["shove", 2664], ["shoved", 2664], ["compulsion", 2679], ["slept", 2688], ["sleep", 2688], ["sleeps", 2688], ["sleepest", 2688], ["wake", 2720], ["wakes", 2720], ["woken", 2720], ["waking", 2720], ["long", 2756], ["longs", 2756], ["use", 2761], ["used", 2761], ["way", 2781], ["ways", 2781], ["always", 2827], ["need", 2834], ["needest", 2834], ["needed", 2834], ["lit", 2866], ["light", 2866], ["remind", 2890], ["reminded", 2890], ["put", 2925], ["use", 2940], ["flame", 2952], ["flare", 2959], ["flared", 2959], ["life", 2967], ["lifes", 2967], ["shine", 2977], ["shone", 2977], ["shined", 2977], ["shining", 2977], ["face", 2991], ["golden", 3004], ["glow", 3009], ["glowest", 3009], ["wrap", 3017], ["wraps", 3017], ["wrapping", 3017], ["wrapped", 3017], ["part", 3059], ["parting", 3059], ["clean", 3089], ["cleans", 3089], ["soft", 3098], ["miss", 3113], ["missed", 3113], ["everything", 3124], ["realize", 3165], ["realized", 3165], ["inadequate", 3180], ["memory", 3191], ["memories", 3191], ["compare", 3209], ["compared", 3209], ["reis", 3221], ["real", 3221], ["thing", 3227], ["must", 3279], ["musts", 3279], ["remain", 3354], ["remained", 3354], ["utterly", 3362], ["silent", 3369], ["fussy", 3378], ["cry", 3384], ["cries", 3384], ["babble", 3396], ["babbling", 3396], ["pull", 3418], ["pulled", 3418], ["chest", 3439], ["hug", 3448], ["scent", 3490], ["scentest", 3490], ["hunt", 3534], ["hunting", 3534], ["huntest", 3534], ["hides", 3559], ["nowhere", 3584], ["live", 3603], ["safety", 3613], ["manage", 3631], ["managed", 3631], ["keep", 3639], ["keepest", 3639], ["long", 3665], ["longs", 3665], ["wonder", 3677], ["wonderest", 3677], ["big", 3692], ["bigs", 3692], ["name", 3705], ["named", 3705], ["ethan", 3715], ["need", 3730], ["needest", 3730], ["needs", 3730], ["love", 3744], ["sun", 3762], ["suns", 3762], ["sunned", 3762], ["already", 3789], ["aware", 3800], ["giant", 3813], ["rift", 3818], ["rifts", 3818], ["clear", 3852], ["clearest", 3852], ["sunlight", 3866], ["keep", 3872], ["keepest", 3872], ["keeps", 3872], ["hides", 3914], ["hid", 3914], ["side", 3933], ["sidest", 3933], ["stroke", 3953], ["stroked", 3953], ["silky", 3968], ["cheek", 3974], ["cheeks", 3974], ["talk", 3991], ["say", 4034], ["sayest", 4034], ["said", 4034], ["together", 4072], ["fight", 4097], ["fightest", 4097], ["truth", 4122], ["later", 4130], ["angry", 4151], ["lay", 4164], ["lie", 4164], ["lain", 4164], ["good", 4190], ["best", 4190], ["force", 4202], ["forced", 4202], ["give", 4218], ["okay", 4251], ["need", 4267], ["needest", 4267], ["listen", 4277], ["listens", 4277], ["carefully", 4287]]
normally emma would 've taken time to pet the terrier , but oliver hamilton would inevitably read that as a sign she was interested in him . she was fond of animals , especially dogs , and hoped to get one herself . unfortunately , her apartment complex did n't allow pets ; not only that , the landlord was a real piece of work . as soon as she had the chance , emma planned to find somewhere else to live . using her remote , she unlocked her car door , which oliver promptly opened for her . she smiled her thanks , eager to leave , and climbed into the driver 's side . `` so i ca n't change your mind ? '' the one thing a ladies ' man could never resist , emma had learned from her father , was a woman who said no . somehow , she 'd have to get oliver to accept her at her word . she reached for the door and closed it . oliver stepped back . after she 'd started the ignition and pulled away , he smiled at her-a mysterious smile-as if he knew something she did n't . as far as emma was concerned , she 'd made a lucky escape . her irritation had just begun to fade when she returned to the office and walked down to her cubicle in the basement , shared with half a dozen other staff . the area was affectionately-and sometimes not so affectionately-termed the dungeon . phoebe wilkinson , who sat opposite her , glanced up when emma tossed her purse onto her desk . phoebe asked , rolling her chair across the narrow aisle . she was one of the other reporters , a few years older than emma . she was short where emma was tall , with dark hair worn in a pixie cut while emma 's was long and blond . occasionally emma was a redhead or a brunette . `` you would n't believe my afternoon . '' `` did you sell any ads ? '' it 'd been her turn the day before and she 'd come back with three brand-new accounts . she 'd managed to get the local pizza parlor to place an ad in the wednesday edition with a dollar-off coupon for any large pizza . that way , the restaurant could figure out how well the advertising had worked . emma just hoped everyone in town would go racing into the parlor with that coupon . badda bing , badda boom pizza had been her only sale . `` that 's great , '' phoebe said with real enthusiasm . `` yes , at least our payroll checks wo n't bounce . '' she could n't restrain her sarcasm . phoebe frowned , shaking her head . `` walt would never let that happen . '' her friend and co-worker had a crush on the owner . phoebe was the strongest personality she knew , yet when it came to walt , she seemed downright timid-far from her usual assertive self . her own feelings about men had grown cynical . her father was mostly responsible for that . her one serious college romance had n't helped , either ; it ended when her mother became ill. emma had n't been around to help neal with his assignments , so he 'd dropped her for another journalism student . pulling out her chair , emma sat down . she had n't worked so hard to get her college degree for this . her feet hurt , she had a run in her panty hose and no one was going to give her a pulitzer prize when she spent half her time pounding the pavement and the other half writing obituaries . yes , obituaries . walt 's big coup had been getting a contract to write obituaries for the large tacoma newspaper , and that had been her job and phoebe 's for the past eight months . emma had gotten quite good at summarizing someone else 's life-but that hardly made a smudge on the page of her own . she had n't obtained a journalism degree in order to persuade the local department store to place mattress sale ads in the sunday paper , either . a darn good one ... if only someone would give her a chance to prove herself . emma longed to write a piece worthy of her education and her skills , and frankly , preparing obituaries was n't it . `` i do n't think i can do this much longer , '' she confessed sadly . `` either walt lets me write a real story or ... '' she did n't know what . `` you are n't thinking of quitting , are you ? '' emma looked at her friend . she 'd been hired the same week as phoebe . the difference was , phoebe seemed content to do whatever was asked of her . she loved writing obituaries and set the perfect tone with each one . she hated it , struggling with them all . the result was always adequate or better because emma took pride in her work , but it just was n't what she wanted to be doing . she had ambition and dreamed that one day she 'd write feature articles . eventually , she hoped to have her own column .	[["normally", 8], ["emma", 13], ["emmas", 13], ["take", 29], ["taken", 29], ["time", 34], ["pet", 41], ["petting", 41], ["terrier", 53], ["oliver", 66], ["hamilton", 75], ["inevitably", 92], ["read", 97], ["reads", 97], ["sign", 112], ["interested", 131], ["fond", 153], ["animal", 164], ["animals", 164], ["especially", 177], ["dog", 182], ["dogs", 182], ["hope", 194], ["hoped", 194], ["get", 201], ["unfortunately", 229], ["apartment", 245], ["complex", 253], ["allow", 267], ["pet", 272], ["petting", 272], ["pets", 272], ["landlord", 303], ["reis", 314], ["real", 314], ["piece", 320], ["pieced", 320], ["work", 328], ["wrought", 328], ["soon", 338], ["chance", 360], ["chanced", 360], ["chancing", 360], ["plan", 375], ["planned", 375], ["find", 383], ["somewhere", 393], ["else", 398], ["live", 406], ["use", 414], ["using", 414], ["remote", 425], ["remoted", 425], ["unlock", 440], ["unlocking", 440], ["unlockest", 440], ["car", 448], ["door", 453], ["promptly", 477], ["open", 484], ["opened", 484], ["smile", 505], ["smiled", 505], ["thank", 516], ["thanks", 516], ["thankest", 516], ["eager", 524], ["left", 533], ["leave", 533], ["climb", 547], ["climbed", 547], ["driver", 563], ["side", 571], ["sidest", 571], ["ca", 584], ["cas", 584], ["change", 595], ["mind", 605], ["minding", 605], ["thing", 624], ["lady", 633], ["ladies", 633], ["man", 639], ["mans", 639], ["manned", 639], ["never", 651], ["resist", 658], ["resistest", 658], ["learn", 677], ["learnt", 677], ["learns", 677], ["learned", 677], ["father", 693], ["fathered", 693], ["fathering", 693], ["woman", 707], ["womans", 707], ["say", 716], ["sayest", 716], ["said", 716], ["somehow", 729], ["accept", 767], ["word", 783], ["reach", 797], ["reached", 797], ["close", 821], ["closed", 821], ["step", 841], ["stepped", 841], ["back", 846], ["start", 869], ["started", 869], ["ignition", 882], ["pull", 893], ["pulled", 893], ["away", 898], ["mysterious", 930], ["smile", 936], ["know", 950], ["knowest", 950], ["knew", 950], ["far", 981], ["concern", 1003], ["concerned", 1003], ["concernest", 1003], ["lucky", 1025], ["escape", 1032], ["escapes", 1032], ["irritation", 1049], ["begin", 1064], ["begun", 1064], ["fade", 1072], ["return", 1090], ["returnest", 1090], ["returned", 1090], ["office", 1104], ["walk", 1115], ["walked", 1115], ["cubicle", 1135], ["basement", 1151], ["share", 1160], ["shared", 1160], ["half", 1170], ["dozen", 1178], ["staff", 1190], ["staffing", 1190], ["area", 1201], ["affectionately", 1220], ["term", 1263], ["terming", 1263], ["termed", 1263], ["dungeon", 1275], ["phoebe", 1284], ["wilkinson", 1294], ["sat", 1304], ["sit", 1304], ["opposite", 1313], ["glance", 1327], ["glanced", 1327], ["toss", 1347], ["tossed", 1347], ["purse", 1357], ["onto", 1362], ["ontos", 1362], ["desk", 1371], ["ask", 1386], ["asked", 1386], ["roll", 1396], ["rolling", 1396], ["chair", 1406], ["chairing", 1406], ["across", 1413], ["narrow", 1424], ["aisle", 1430], ["aisles", 1430], ["reporter", 1467], ["reporters", 1467], ["year", 1481], ["years", 1481], ["old", 1487], ["short", 1513], ["tall", 1533], ["dark", 1545], ["hair", 1550], ["wear", 1555], ["worn", 1555], ["pixie", 1566], ["cut", 1570], ["long", 1593], ["longs", 1593], ["blond", 1603], ["occasionally", 1618], ["redhead", 1637], ["brunette", 1651], ["brunettes", 1651], ["believe", 1678], ["afternoon", 1691], ["sell", 1712], ["sells", 1712], ["ad", 1720], ["ads", 1720], ["turn", 1745], ["day", 1753], ["come", 1776], ["three", 1792], ["brand", 1798], ["new", 1802], ["account", 1811], ["accounts", 1811], ["manage", 1828], ["managed", 1828], ["local", 1845], ["pizza", 1851], ["parlor", 1858], ["place", 1867], ["ad", 1873], ["wednesday", 1890], ["edition", 1898], ["dollar", 1912], ["coupon", 1923], ["large", 1937], ["way", 1954], ["ways", 1954], ["restaurant", 1971], ["figure", 1984], ["well", 1997], ["wells", 1997], ["advertising", 2013], ["work", 2024], ["wrought", 2024], ["worked", 2024], ["everyone", 2051], ["town", 2059], ["go", 2068], ["goest", 2068], ["race", 2075], ["racing", 2075], ["bing", 2121], ["boom", 2134], ["boomed", 2134], ["sale", 2163], ["great", 2182], ["enthusiasm", 2220], ["yes", 2229], ["least", 2240], ["leastest", 2240], ["payroll", 2252], ["check", 2259], ["checks", 2259], ["wo", 2262], ["bounce", 2273], ["restrain", 2301], ["restrains", 2301], ["sarcasm", 2313], ["frown", 2330], ["frowns", 2330], ["frowned", 2330], ["shake", 2340], ["shaking", 2340], ["head", 2349], ["walt", 2359], ["let", 2375], ["lets", 2375], ["happen", 2387], ["friend", 2403], ["co", 2410], ["crush", 2429], ["crushest", 2429], ["owner", 2442], ["strong", 2469], ["strongest", 2469], ["personality", 2481], ["yet", 2496], ["come", 2509], ["came", 2509], ["seem", 2530], ["seeming", 2530], ["seemed", 2530], ["downright", 2540], ["timid", 2546], ["usual", 2565], ["assertive", 2575], ["self", 2580], ["feeling", 2599], ["feelings", 2599], ["man", 2609], ["mans", 2609], ["manned", 2609], ["men", 2609], ["grow", 2619], ["growest", 2619], ["grown", 2619], ["cynical", 2627], ["mostly", 2651], ["responsible", 2663], ["serious", 2690], ["college", 2698], ["romance", 2706], ["help", 2721], ["helpest", 2721], ["helped", 2721], ["either", 2730], ["end", 2741], ["ends", 2741], ["endest", 2741], ["ended", 2741], ["mother", 2757], ["mothered", 2757], ["motherest", 2757], ["become", 2764], ["became", 2764], ["ill", 2768], ["ills", 2768], ["illest", 2768], ["around", 2794], ["help", 2802], ["helpest", 2802], ["neal", 2807], ["assignment", 2828], ["assignments", 2828], ["drop", 2847], ["dropped", 2847], ["another", 2863], ["journalism", 2874], ["student", 2882], ["pull", 2892], ["pulling", 2892], ["hard", 2951], ["degree", 2977], ["foot", 2997], ["feet", 2997], ["hurt", 3002], ["hurts", 3002], ["hurting", 3002], ["run", 3018], ["panty", 3031], ["hose", 3036], ["hosed", 3036], ["hosing", 3036], ["go", 3057], ["goest", 3057], ["going", 3057], ["give", 3065], ["pulitzer", 3080], ["prize", 3086], ["spend", 3101], ["spends", 3101], ["spendest", 3101], ["spent", 3101], ["pound", 3124], ["pounding", 3124], ["pavement", 3137], ["write", 3164], ["writing", 3164], ["obituary", 3175], ["obituaries", 3175], ["big", 3208], ["bigs", 3208], ["coup", 3213], ["get", 3230], ["getting", 3230], ["contract", 3241], ["contractest", 3241], ["write", 3250], ["writing", 3250], ["tacoma", 3282], ["newspaper", 3292], ["job", 3320], ["jobbing", 3320], ["past", 3347], ["eight", 3353], ["month", 3360], ["months", 3360], ["get", 3378], ["gotten", 3378], ["quite", 3384], ["good", 3389], ["summarize", 3404], ["summarizing", 3404], ["life", 3425], ["lifes", 3425], ["hardly", 3441], ["smudge", 3455], ["page", 3467], ["obtain", 3501], ["obtained", 3501], ["order", 3530], ["orderest", 3530], ["persuade", 3542], ["department", 3563], ["store", 3569], ["mattress", 3587], ["mattresses", 3587], ["sunday", 3610], ["sundays", 3610], ["paper", 3616], ["darn", 3634], ["prof", 3696], ["prove", 3696], ["long", 3718], ["longs", 3718], ["longed", 3718], ["worthy", 3742], ["education", 3759], ["skill", 3774], ["skills", 3774], ["frankly", 3788], ["prepare", 3800], ["preparing", 3800], ["think", 3842], ["thinkest", 3842], ["much", 3861], ["long", 3868], ["longs", 3868], ["confess", 3887], ["confessest", 3887], ["confessed", 3887], ["sadly", 3893], ["let", 3915], ["lets", 3915], ["story", 3937], ["know", 3964], ["knowest", 3964], ["think", 3995], ["thinkest", 3995], ["thinking", 3995], ["look", 4034], ["looked", 4034], ["hire", 4068], ["hired", 4068], ["week", 4082], ["difference", 4109], ["content", 4137], ["contenting", 4137], ["whatever", 4152], ["love", 4181], ["loved", 4181], ["set", 4208], ["perfect", 4220], ["perfectest", 4220], ["tone", 4225], ["toned", 4225], ["toning", 4225], ["hate", 4251], ["hateed", 4251], ["hated", 4251], ["struggle", 4267], ["struggling", 4267], ["result", 4294], ["resultest", 4294], ["always", 4305], ["adequate", 4314], ["well", 4324], ["wells", 4324], ["take", 4342], ["took", 4342], ["pride", 4348], ["ambition", 4429], ["dream", 4441], ["dreamt", 4441], ["dreamest", 4441], ["dreamed", 4441], ["feature", 4475], ["article", 4484], ["articles", 4484], ["eventually", 4497], ["column", 4532]]
my face grew warm and i knew i was turning a brilliant shade of red . `` who knows pagan , you may like me before this is over . '' * * * * it took us three consecutive nights of tutoring to get his speech ready . it also only took three nights for me to realize i really liked harbor high 's star quarterback . leif montgomery was nothing like i 'd always assumed . i still felt guilty over the stereotype i 'd placed on him . however , just because we were spending two hours together every evening , 24 existence nothing changed at school . though leif smiled and nodded when we passed in the halls , we did n't carry the easy friendship we seemed to have during tutoring into our daily life at school . `` k , sooooo , here 's the thing , wyatt and i have been talking some and he ask me to the homecoming dance . and that means you 're going to have to get a date and come too . i know we planned to go to the movies that night but welllll ... miranda batted her eyelashes at me from across the table . `` i 'm thrilled you and wyatt are making up . i hated having the two of you mad at each other . '' it sucked , did n't it ? '' wyatt chimed in , as he took the seat beside miranda . she beamed over at him and i suddenly felt a little left out . `` and pagan needs a date to the dance . we ca n't go without her . '' miranda said grinning at wyatt . `` i am pretty sure pagan can get a date if she wants one . '' he took a bite of his hamburger . i knew he intended to do his best to rein in miranda 's match-making ideas . `` there is n't anyone i really want to go with . '' this was a lie and i knew it . i forced myself not to look at leif 's table because doing so would give me away . wyatt , however , glanced over at leif 's table and back at me with a smirk . thankfully miranda missed his subtle hint and wyatt decided not to verbalize his thoughts . miranda picking up on my interest in leif was the last thing i needed . `` but it wo n't be fun without you , '' miranda pouted . i took another drink of my tea . i did n't want to argue with her about this . `` come on , pagan , it has been like six months since jay left . we miss him , too , but he moved away . you need to date again . '' it was the first time the mention of my former boyfriend did n't make me sad . i 'd started dating him my ninth grade year and he 'd been a junior . after graduation this past may he left for college and his parents moved to another state . we both agreed a long distance relationship would be too hard and we broke up . at first , i 'd been lost . i 'd assumed it must be a broken heart . it did n't take me long to realize i missed the comfort of our relationship . deep down , we 'd just been really good friends . we liked the same things and cared about the same things `` it is n't because of jay . i just have n't met anyone else who interests me . '' wyatt 's grin got bigger as he took another bite of his burger . if he was n't careful i would strangle that goofy grin off his face . miranda sighed in exasperation . `` it 's a pity you spend every evening with leif montgomery and you do n't even like him . wyatt raised his eyebrows at her and frowned . `` what are you saying , miranda ? '' she puckered her lips and tried to look serious . `` oh , stop it , wyatt , you know i love you . '' he bent down and gave her a peck on the lips before returning to his food . she turned her attention back to me with a silly grin on her face and i wanted to laugh . `` i 'm just saying if you could get past your dislike for him it would be a prime opportunity . '' i thought for a minute about continuing to let her think i really disliked leif . somehow it seemed unfair to leif . he did n't deserve my dislike and letting others think i did n't like him was wrong . `` i do n't dislike leif . he is n't like what i thought . however , i 'm also not hot after him. `` i glanced up from my tray half afraid miranda might have managed to read between the lines but instead she looked like a deer caught in the headlights . she was n't focused on me , her gaze was locked on something or someone behind me . `` well , i 'm glad to know you 're not hot after me . one less worry on my mind . '' i closed my eyes tightly , hoping i 'd just imagined leif 's voice .	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`` is luke gone yet ? '' `` he went to get some gas and to pick up some supplies . i hope he keeps the doors locked this time . '' she zipped up her bag and then focused on sophia again . `` wait ... why 's he coming back ? i thought you said you broke up with him . '' `` how about we talk about it next week - when you get back . because right now , i 'm not completely sure what 's happening with us . '' marcia accepted that , then started toward the door before stopping again . `` i 've been thinking , '' she said , `` and i have the sense that everything is going to work out between you two . and if you want my opinion , i think that 's a good thing . '' in the mountains , the snowfall had been heavy and the roads were icy in places , which meant they did n't reach the cabins until nearly four in the morning . the grounds resembled a pioneer camp , long since abandoned . despite the absence of light anywhere , luke unerringly guided his truck to a stop in front of the same cabin where they 'd stayed before , the key dangling from the lock . inside , the cabin was frigid , the thin plank walls doing little to keep the cold at bay . he 'd told her to pack both a hat and mittens , and she wore them along with her jacket while luke got the fireplace and the woodstove burning . the skidding , slipping drive had kept her on edge all night , but now that they had arrived , she felt exhaustion catching up with her . they went to bed fully clothed in their jackets and hats , falling asleep within minutes . when sophia woke hours later , the house had warmed considerably , though not enough for her to walk around without several layers of clothing . she reasoned that a cheap motel would have been more comfortable , but when she took in the scene outside the window , she was struck again by how beautiful it was here . icicles hung from the branches , glittering in the sunlight . luke was already in the kitchen , and the aroma of bacon and eggs filled the air . `` you 're finally awake , '' he observed . `` i guess i was just tired . trying to keep this place warm enough to be habitable is n't as easy as you think . '' gradually , her attention was drawn toward the window . `` have you ever been here during the winter ? '' i was little , though . i spent the day building snowmen and eating roasted marshmallows . '' she smiled at the image of him as a boy before growing serious . `` are you ready to talk yet ? about what made you change your mind ? '' he forked a piece of bacon and removed it from the pan . i guess i just finally got around to listening to common sense . '' he set down the fork . `` i drew big ugly critter in the short go . and when it came time to actually ride ... '' he shook his head , not finishing the thought . `` anyway , afterwards , i knew that it was time to hang up the spurs . i realized i was done with it . it was killing my mom little by little . '' and me , she wanted to say . he glanced over his shoulder , as if hearing her unspoken words . `` i also realized that i missed you . '' `` what about the ranch ? '' he scooped the scrambled eggs onto two plates . `` we 'll lose it , i guess . then try to start over again . my mom 's pretty well-known . i 'm hoping she 'll land on her feet . of course , she told me not to worry about her . that i should be more concerned with what i 'm going to do . '' he turned and brought both plates to the table . a pot of coffee was waiting , along with the utensils . `` i 'm hoping that this weekend is going to help me figure that out . '' `` and you think we can pick up right where we left off ? '' he arranged the plates on the table and pulled out her chair . `` but i was hoping that we could maybe start over . '' after they ate , they spent the afternoon building a snowman , just as he once did as a child . while they rolled the sticky snowballs into ever-larger boulders , they caught each other up on their lives . luke described the events in macon and south carolina and what was happening at the ranch . sophia explained that the state of affairs with marcia had driven her to spend all her time at the library , leaving her so far ahead in her reading that she doubted she 'd have to study for the next two weeks . `` that 's one of the good things about trying to avoid your roommate , '' she commented . `` it improves your study habits . '' `` she surprised me last night , '' luke remarked . `` i would n't have thought she 'd do something like that . based on the circumstances , i mean . 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they do n't let women in combat situations . i 'll be flying vips around , moving supplies . you ca n't know that , '' betsy said . `` tell them you wo n't go . please , mommy ... '' at that , the small mommy , jolene felt a tearing in her heart . she wanted to hold betsy close , reassure her , but what comfort could she offer ? this was a time for strength . it 's my job , '' jolene said at last . `` if you go i wo n't forgive you , '' betsy said . `` you do n't mean that , '' jolene said . `` you love the army more than us , '' betsy said . beside her , michael made a sound . jolene ignored him . `` no , bets , '' she said quietly . `` you and lulu are the air in my lungs . the blood in my veins . without you , my heart stops . lots of working women have to leave their kids sometimes- '' `` ha ! '' betsy screamed . do those moms get shot at on their business trips ? '' `` you 'll come home , right , mommy ? '' lulu asked , biting her lower lip . `` of course i will , '' jolene said . and in november i 'll be home for two weeks . maybe we could even go to disneyland . `` i hate you , '' betsy said and ran out of the room , slamming the door shut behind her . mila got slowly to her feet . she started to walk toward jolene , then stopped dead , as if she could n't make her legs work quite right . her voice wobbled with the effort to appear strong . `` one year , '' michael answered . lulu frowned . `` how long is a year ? is that like next week ? '' jolene turned to her husband . `` maybe you should talk to betsy . '' what the hell am i supposed to say to her ? '' that single question brought it all crashing down on jolene and scared her as much as everything else combined . how would he be a single father ? would his children be able to count on him in a way that jolene no longer could ? jolene stood up . she tried to put lulu down , but the child clung like a barnacle . so she said nothing to michael or mila , just walked out of the living room and down the hallway to the guest bedroom , carrying lulu . it was n't ideal , trying to talk to the girls together , but nothing was ideal about this situation . `` go away , '' betsy yelled . `` i am , '' jolene answered . `` that 's why we need to talk now . '' she waited a moment , collected herself , and then went into the room , which was papered in a wild 1970s foil paper and decorated with a collection of whitewashed furniture . betsy sat on one of the wicker twin beds with her knees drawn up . she looked royally pissed off . betsy nodded mulishly and scooted sideways . jolene and lulu sat down beside her . jolene wanted to jump into the ice-cold water of the conversation , but she knew betsy needed to find a way through this , so she waited quietly , stroking lulu 's hair . finally betsy said , `` moms are n't supposed to leave their children . '' `` no , '' jolene said , feeling the sharp point of those words sink deep into her . and i 'm sorry , baby . `` what if you said you would n't go ? '' `` they 'd court-martial me and put me in jail . '' `` at least you 'd be alive . '' jolene looked at her daughter . there it was , the fear that lay beneath the adolescent fury . `` it 's my job as a mom to keep you safe and be with you and help you grow up . '' `` but it 's also my job to show you what kind of person to be , to teach you by example . what lesson would i teach you if i ran from a commitment i made ? if i was cowardly or dishonorable ? when you make a promise in this life , you keep it , even if it scares you or hurts you or makes you sad . i made a promise a long time ago , and now it 's time to keep that promise , even if it breaks my heart to leave you and lulu , and it does ... break my heart . '' jolene willed her tears away . nothing in her life had ever hurt like this , not even hearing michael say he did n't love her anymore . but she had to keep going , had to make her daughter understand . `` you 've grown up safe and loved , so you ca n't know how it feels to be truly alone in the world . when i joined the army , i had nothing .	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leo smiled as he watched lily from where he stood unobserved at the entrance to the boardroom of kimball-rigby technologies , inc . the company had moved into its new-and much less ostentatious-digs last spring , and he had to admit that he liked the new environment much better . the boardroom was surrounded on two sides by windows that offered a spectacular view of the philadelphia skyline beyond , and sunlight poured into the room to brighten every last inch of the place . plants hugged every windowsili , and the soft pastels of the walls and carpet were very soothing , and not a little feminine . it was vastly different-and vastly improved-over the last boardroom kimball technologies had claimed . seated at the head of the table , surrounded by her board of directors , lily looked like exactly what she was-the leading businesswoman in the country , and the ceo of a corporation known for its cutting edge technology and its limitless philanthropy . this year alone , she 'd been featured in forbes , inc. , working woman , cosmopolitan , and cigar aficionado magazines-that last one still bugged the hell out of cohiba man-and she had made appearances at dinners for the united way , planned parenthood , and now . she was , as he had always known , a force to be reckoned with . it was something a few of her directors-the male ones-still did n't quite get . `` denise , '' she said to the woman seated next to her , the one leo had come to think of as silk woman , `` how are we coming on the denby acquisition ? '' `` moving right along , lily , '' she said . `` smooth as silk . '' `` excellent , '' lily replied . she added for the benefit of the next woman down the line , the one seated between halston man and versace man , whom leo had dubbed , for reasons that were obvious , mousse woman . `` what 's up with richard steiner ? is he coming around ? '' `` he will , '' mousse woman said with conviction , touching a finger to her permanent wave-but not too hard . versace man and halston man looked a bit miffed for some reason , but kept their comments to themselves . leo shook his head and bit back his laughter . lily sure had shaken things up in the last five years . sure there had been some problems in the beginning , after she and schuyler had gone public with their arrangement . the billionaire had put lily firmly in charge of the company , so that he could focus on all the research and development that he 'd always enjoyed most . a lot of the old boy network had n't liked that much . but lily and schuyler had stood firm , and they had stayed a team . a very effective team , too , not surprisingly . because it had n't taken them long to recover from the brief downturn the company had initially suffered . and now that she was unhampered in her position , lily was able to function in a way that outpaced even her earlier performance . the company was growing by leaps and bounds . and nothing would stop them now . a cry of dissension erupted then , something that turned every head at the big table in leo 's direction . leo himself scarcely noticed , however , because he bent down over the stroller beside him and picked up a blue-flanneled , three-month-old andrew , rocking him gently to quiet him . but andrew would have none of it , clearly had something else on his mind , so leo shrugged and threw lily a resigned look . `` oh , bring my sweet baby boy over here , '' she cooed , reaching for the top button of her high-powered executive blouse . on her other side , cohiba man blustered and coughed and started to object . `` look , cyrus , if i 've told you once , i 've told you a million times . that breastfeeding policy stays . you do not want to challenge me on this . '' as quickly as he had started to object , cohiba man settled down . he reached inside his jacket and lifted his cigar to his mouth , then , obviously not thinking clearly , reached back once more for a lighter . `` and that no-smoking policy holds , as well , '' lily told him . he opened his mouth to protest again , but she narrowed her eyes at him fiercely . `` there 's an opening in the abu dhabi office that i need to fill , '' she reminded him . he shut his mouth , then shoved the unlit cigar into his pocket with his lighter . leo chuckled again as he carried little andrew to lily for his lunchtime feeding , but no sooner had he placed the baby in her arms than another hungry cry erupted from the stroller . julia always had to have 'whatever her twin brother was having . he retraced his steps to the stroller and extracted the other baby , then glanced down at his watch .	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frustration grated along his nerves . he knew better than to let it out on nika , but the urge to vent at someone was nearly overwhelming . `` i 've been stuck here for days , taking care of both your sister as well as grace , who is , by the way , much worse off than tori . i have done everything within my power to see to it that they both recover . logan has found a new source of power , and if you value your sister 's life , you will step out of my way and let me pass . '' `` not until you promise me you 'll fix her . '' tynan had no idea what kind of control a promise like that would hold over him , so he refused . `` you 're only standing in the way of what you want most . please , step aside . '' boomed a deep voice from behind tynan . tynan 's neck tensed involuntarily . madoc had broken it only days earlier , and it was going to take a lot longer than that for tynan to forget . he spun around to face the warrior . `` nika has decided i should take her blood rather than go out hunting for it . i was explaining to her that you would not approve . '' `` the leech is right , '' said madoc . `` he 's not getting another f**king drop of your blood , nika . '' nika glared at tynan . tori is still sick and he 's going to walk away . madoc picked up her jacket and draped it over her slender shoulders . with a touch so gentle that tynan was n't even sure madoc was capable of it , he lifted nika 's chin . `` he 's been busting his ass , love . we all are , but what 's wrong with tori is going to take time to fix . '' nika 's eyes flooded with tears . `` she 's in pain . i have to find a way to make it stop . '' madoc pulled her against his body , wrapping his thick arms around her . he held her head against his shoulder , smoothing her hair with comforting strokes . he looked at tynan over nika 's head . `` the only thing left is to put her to sleep while we work on driving the synestryn blood from her system . i offered her the option and she refused . '' `` we 'll talk to her about it . if she agrees , will you do it ? '' `` as soon as i return , '' said tynan . `` but i need to go now . '' `` go , '' said madoc . `` we 'll talk to tori . '' `` if anything happens while i 'm away , alexander is here at dabyr tonight . i 'll try to be back before sunrise . '' `` we 're not going to let anything happen , '' said madoc , more to nika than to tynan . `` we 'll take good care of tori while you 're gone . '' after dinner , hacksaw saw the blond woman dart through the swinging door that led to the kitchen . she had her coat on like she was leaving . the master would not be pleased if he failed to bring the woman back . he had to remind himself of that part so he did n't accidentally mess up and kill her , no matter how much easier it would be . he did n't dare follow her out the back way for fear of being noticed . instead he hurried through the growing crowd of stinking men , out the front , and ran around the side of the building to intercept her . she moved between buildings fast , huddled against the cold . she had a bag slung over her shoulder , which meant he had to be cautious of weapons . she did n't look to be the sort to shoot him , but anything was possible . the switchblade in his pocket grew cold , reminding him that it was there , waiting to be used . it had been a long time since he 'd killed a woman , but he could still remember how easily the knife slid into her soft skin . and that look of fear on her face had been better than any drug he 'd ever used . it was n't as good as a word of praise from the master , but it was close . the woman turned a corner , disappearing from sight . hacksaw hurried to catch up to her , unwilling to lose sight of her for even a minute . she was behind buildings now-out of sight of the street and passing cars . it was n't dark yet , but that was too bad . he 'd have to risk attacking her in what was left of the daylight . no one was out in this cold , anyway . all he had to do was knock her out , tie her up , and drive his car back here and dump her in it . he 'd be back to the master in time for him to wake and see the gift hacksaw had brought him .	[["frustration", 11], ["grate", 18], ["grates", 18], ["grating", 18], ["grated", 18], ["along", 24], ["nerve", 35], ["nerves", 35], ["know", 45], ["knowest", 45], ["knew", 45], ["well", 52], ["wells", 52], ["let", 64], ["lets", 64], ["urge", 94], ["vent", 102], ["nearly", 124], ["overwhelming", 137], ["stick", 159], ["stickest", 159], ["stuck", 159], ["day", 173], ["days", 173], ["take", 182], ["taking", 182], ["sister", 207], ["well", 215], ["wells", 215], ["grace", 224], ["way", 246], ["ways", 246], ["much", 253], ["bad", 259], ["worse", 259], ["tori", 273], ["everything", 298], ["within", 305], ["power", 314], ["see", 321], ["recover", 350], ["logan", 358], ["logans", 358], ["find", 368], ["found", 368], ["new", 374], ["source", 381], ["value", 409], ["life", 429], ["lifes", 429], ["step", 445], ["pass", 475], ["promise", 505], ["fix", 520], ["fixes", 520], ["idea", 547], ["kind", 557], ["control", 568], ["like", 583], ["hold", 599], ["refuse", 624], ["refused", 624], ["stood", 651], ["stand", 651], ["standest", 651], ["standing", 651], ["please", 693], ["aside", 706], ["boom", 718], ["boomed", 718], ["deep", 725], ["deeply", 725], ["voice", 731], ["behind", 743], ["neck", 765], ["necked", 765], ["tense", 772], ["tensed", 772], ["involuntarily", 786], ["break", 805], ["broke", 805], ["broken", 805], ["early", 826], ["go", 845], ["goest", 845], ["going", 845], ["take", 853], ["lot", 859], ["long", 866], ["longs", 866], ["forget", 896], ["forgot", 896], ["spun", 906], ["spin", 906], ["around", 913], ["face", 921], ["warrior", 933], ["decide", 955], ["decided", 955], ["blood", 979], ["bloods", 979], ["blooded", 979], ["rather", 986], ["go", 994], ["goest", 994], ["explain", 1032], ["explaining", 1032], ["approve", 1066], ["leech", 1084], ["leeches", 1084], ["right", 1093], ["rightest", 1093], ["say", 1103], ["sayest", 1103], ["said", 1103], ["get", 1132], ["getting", 1132], ["another", 1140], ["drop", 1153], ["glare", 1191], ["glared", 1191], ["still", 1216], ["sick", 1221], ["walk", 1245], ["away", 1250], ["pick", 1265], ["picked", 1265], ["jacket", 1279], ["jacketed", 1279], ["drape", 1290], ["drapes", 1290], ["draped", 1290], ["slender", 1310], ["shoulder", 1320], ["shouldered", 1320], ["shoulders", 1320], ["touch", 1335], ["touching", 1335], ["gentle", 1345], ["gentler", 1345], ["even", 1369], ["evens", 1369], ["sure", 1374], ["capable", 1392], ["capablest", 1392], ["lift", 1410], ["lifted", 1410], ["chin", 1423], ["bust", 1447], ["busted", 1447], ["busting", 1447], ["ass", 1455], ["love", 1462], ["wrong", 1495], ["time", 1527], ["eye", 1552], ["eyed", 1552], ["eyes", 1552], ["flood", 1560], ["flooded", 1560], ["tear", 1571], ["teared", 1571], ["tears", 1571], ["pain", 1591], ["find", 1608], ["stop", 1630], ["pull", 1648], ["pulled", 1648], ["body", 1669], ["bodied", 1669], ["wrap", 1680], ["wraps", 1680], ["wrapping", 1680], ["thick", 1690], ["thickest", 1690], ["arm", 1695], ["arms", 1695], ["hold", 1716], ["held", 1716], ["head", 1725], ["shoulder", 1746], ["shouldered", 1746], ["smooth", 1758], ["smoothing", 1758], ["hair", 1767], ["comfort", 1783], ["comforting", 1783], ["stroke", 1791], ["strokes", 1791], ["look", 1803], ["looked", 1803], ["thing", 1850], ["left", 1855], ["leave", 1855], ["put", 1865], ["slept", 1878], ["sleep", 1878], ["sleeps", 1878], ["sleepest", 1878], ["work", 1892], ["wrought", 1892], ["drive", 1903], ["driving", 1903], ["system", 1939], ["offer", 1951], ["offered", 1951], ["option", 1966], ["talk", 2002], ["agree", 2034], ["agrees", 2034], ["soon", 2067], ["return", 2079], ["returnest", 2079], ["need", 2111], ["needest", 2111], ["anything", 2193], ["happen", 2201], ["happens", 2201], ["alexander", 2229], ["tonight", 2254], ["try", 2266], ["tryed", 2266], ["back", 2277], ["sunrise", 2292], ["happen", 2340], ["good", 2407], ["go", 2439], ["goest", 2439], ["gone", 2439], ["dinner", 2457], ["hacksaw", 2467], ["see", 2471], ["saw", 2471], ["blond", 2481], ["woman", 2487], ["womans", 2487], ["dart", 2492], ["darted", 2492], ["door", 2518], ["lead", 2527], ["leaded", 2527], ["led", 2527], ["kitchen", 2542], ["kitchens", 2542], ["coat", 2561], ["left", 2585], ["leave", 2585], ["leaving", 2585], ["master", 2598], ["pleased", 2619], ["fail", 2632], ["failed", 2632], ["bring", 2641], ["remind", 2675], ["part", 2696], ["parting", 2696], ["accidentally", 2723], ["mess", 2728], ["messed", 2728], ["messing", 2728], ["kill", 2740], ["matter", 2756], ["mattering", 2756], ["easy", 2772], ["easier", 2772], ["dare", 2802], ["follow", 2809], ["fear", 2839], ["fearest", 2839], ["notice", 2856], ["noticed", 2856], ["instead", 2866], ["hurry", 2877], ["hurried", 2877], ["hurryed", 2877], ["hurrying", 2877], ["grow", 2897], ["growest", 2897], ["growing", 2897], ["crowd", 2903], ["crowdest", 2903], ["crowding", 2903], ["stink", 2915], ["stinks", 2915], ["stinking", 2915], ["man", 2919], ["mans", 2919], ["manned", 2919], ["men", 2919], ["front", 2935], ["run", 2945], ["ran", 2945], ["side", 2961], ["sidest", 2961], ["build", 2977], ["building", 2977], ["intercept", 2990], ["move", 3006], ["moved", 3006], ["build", 3024], ["building", 3024], ["buildings", 3024], ["fast", 3029], ["huddle", 3039], ["huddled", 3039], ["cold", 3056], ["bag", 3072], ["bagged", 3072], ["bagging", 3072], ["sling", 3078], ["slung", 3078], ["mean", 3110], ["meanest", 3110], ["meant", 3110], ["cautious", 3132], ["weapon", 3143], ["weapons", 3143], ["look", 3162], ["sort", 3177], ["shoot", 3186], ["shooted", 3186], ["possible", 3218], ["switchblade", 3236], ["pocket", 3250], ["pocketing", 3250], ["grow", 3255], ["growest", 3255], ["grew", 3255], ["remind", 3272], ["reminding", 3272], ["wait", 3304], ["waitest", 3304], ["waiting", 3304], ["use", 3315], ["used", 3315], ["long", 3336], ["longs", 3336], ["since", 3347], ["kill", 3360], ["killed", 3360], ["remember", 3398], ["rememberest", 3398], ["easily", 3409], ["knife", 3419], ["knifes", 3419], ["slid", 3424], ["soft", 3438], ["skin", 3443], ["drug", 3509], ["ever", 3520], ["everest", 3520], ["word", 3556], ["praise", 3566], ["close", 3601], ["turn", 3620], ["turned", 3620], ["corner", 3629], ["disappear", 3644], ["disappearing", 3644], ["sight", 3655], ["sighted", 3655], ["catch", 3682], ["catches", 3682], ["catched", 3682], ["unwilling", 3704], ["lose", 3712], ["minute", 3743], ["street", 3801], ["pass", 3813], ["passing", 3813], ["car", 3818], ["cars", 3818], ["dark", 3836], ["yet", 3840], ["bad", 3863], ["risk", 3884], ["riskest", 3884], ["attack", 3894], ["attacking", 3894], ["daylight", 3931], ["anyway", 3970], ["knock", 3999], ["knocks", 3999], ["knockest", 3999], ["tie", 4013], ["tying", 4013], ["tieing", 4013], ["drive", 4032], ["car", 4040], ["dump", 4059], ["wake", 4123], ["wakes", 4123], ["woken", 4123], ["gift", 4140], ["bring", 4160], ["brought", 4160]]
he growls something i cant make out , jabs me with the needle and then releases me . i scoot back on the bed as he tries to put the flames out . im so surprised id conjured the fire , i forget for a minute i should be running . i slide off the bed and my knees give out . clutching the bedpost for support , my gaze is drawn by the blur of flame as logan pats his arm . my feet dont want to move , but i force them to take steps to the door . the room swims around me and i sway . the door feels like its miles away . willow , logan says . hes in front of me now , surprisingly unharmed . his eyes are like midnight and his jaw is tight . that was impressive but useless . save your power for later . my mouth wont form the words i want it to . but my body goes boneless and i start to fall . logan catches me smoothly as the corners of my vision get hazy . he lifts me easily and carries me to the bed again . when he sets me down , he reaches to my feet . hes gentle when he takes off my shoes and pulls the covers over me . as i drift into unconsciousness , i hear him say , see you tomorrow . ~ ~ ~ when i wake again , the room is alight from the sun . i squint and then blink a few times while the room comes into focus . which means i slept the whole night . and tonight is the full moon . this realization is enough to get me to my feet . i steady myself with the bedpost before walking to the bathroom and splashing water on my face . when i look at my reflection , i see hair tumbling wildly in thick waves , reaching halfway down my back . there are a few scratches on my cheeks from racing through the woods and being attacked by branches . and theres a bruise on my arm from the needle . when i get out of here , logan is going down . i turn from the mirror . now i have to figure out how to get out of here . i check the door just in case but find its still locked . i listen for several moments , but dont hear anything outside or downstairs . either logan isnt home or hes being his usual stealthy self . blowing out a breath , i sit at the chaise lounge near the window , searching my brain for somethinganythingto help . the book isnt up here . but i remember the last thing i read in it . a spell to contact someone . i fumble in my pocket and pull out the business card ryan gave me . my stomach swirls with relief and worry at the same time . this is my chance to get help , but i have no idea if itll work . cupping my hands around the card , i picture ryan . his gray eyes and the spray of stubble on his jaw . i picture him sitting at the table in his kitchen , eating breakfast or reading the paper . my body feels like its yanked from logans home and dropped into ryans kitchen . im so close to the table , i wobble and try not to fall over . i swivel , looking around . im in ryans house . but hes not in the kitchen . taking a steadying breath , i leave the kitchen and search the hall . and then upstairs . i jog back downstairs , feeling light and quick , and reach for the curtain at the front window . my hands are transparent , and i can see right through them . then i force myself to focus , trying to peer through the window since i cant move the curtains . i dont see ryans truck outside . which means he might have already left to meet me . it takes me a minute to figure out how to leave ryans house , but then i just picture logans bedroom and i feel like im floating away from my place by the door . when i open my eyes , im sitting on the lounge chair again . i didnt find ryan , but it worked . the business card is still curled in my hand , so i concentrate on it again , this time picturing ryan himself . i need to find him , and if hes at my motel , hes about to figure out im not there . when my body floats to him , i discover hes parking his car outside the motel . im in the passenger seat , and i turn to him , hoping he can see me . he doesnt even glance my way , just puts the truck in gear and hops out . i reach for the handle , but my fingers go right through it . i watch as ryan looks around , probably for my car , and frowns . he looks up to the second floor and then jogs to my room . he bangs on the door , loud enough for me to hear from inside his car . when i dont answer , he swears and bangs again . finally , he gives up and jogs down the stairs , heading for the office . i try the handle once more . my fingers nudge the metal , and i straighten .	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["feel", 495], ["feels", 495], ["like", 500], ["mile", 510], ["miles", 510], ["away", 515], ["willow", 524], ["say", 537], ["sayest", 537], ["says", 537], ["front", 552], ["surprisingly", 577], ["unharmed", 586], ["eye", 597], ["eyed", 597], ["eyes", 597], ["midnight", 615], ["midnights", 615], ["jaw", 627], ["jaws", 627], ["jawed", 627], ["jawest", 627], ["tight", 636], ["impressive", 658], ["useless", 670], ["uselessest", 670], ["save", 677], ["power", 688], ["later", 698], ["mouth", 709], ["mouthed", 709], ["form", 719], ["formest", 719], ["word", 729], ["words", 729], ["body", 756], ["bodied", 756], ["go", 761], ["goest", 761], ["goes", 761], ["boneless", 770], ["start", 782], ["fall", 790], ["falls", 790], ["catch", 806], ["catches", 806], ["catched", 806], ["smoothly", 818], ["corner", 833], ["corners", 833], ["vision", 846], ["get", 850], ["hazy", 855], ["lift", 866], ["lifts", 866], ["easily", 876], ["carry", 888], ["carries", 888], ["set", 923], ["sets", 923], ["reach", 944], ["reaches", 944], ["gentle", 968], ["gentler", 968], ["take", 982], ["takes", 982], ["shoe", 995], ["shoed", 995], ["shoes", 995], ["pull", 1005], ["pulls", 1005], ["cover", 1016], ["covers", 1016], ["drift", 1037], ["drifting", 1037], ["unconsciousness", 1058], ["hear", 1067], ["hears", 1067], ["say", 1075], ["sayest", 1075], ["see", 1081], ["tomorrow", 1094], ["tomorrows", 1094], ["wake", 1114], ["wakes", 1114], ["woken", 1114], ["alight", 1141], ["sun", 1154], ["suns", 1154], ["sunned", 1154], ["squint", 1165], ["squinting", 1165], ["squintest", 1165], ["blink", 1180], ["blinked", 1180], ["time", 1192], ["times", 1192], ["come", 1213], ["comes", 1213], ["focus", 1224], ["mean", 1238], ["meanest", 1238], ["means", 1238], ["slept", 1246], ["sleep", 1246], ["sleeps", 1246], ["sleepest", 1246], ["whole", 1256], ["wholes", 1256], ["night", 1262], ["tonight", 1276], ["full", 1288], ["moon", 1293], ["moons", 1293], ["realization", 1312], ["enough", 1322], ["steady", 1354], ["walk", 1393], ["walking", 1393], ["bathroom", 1409], ["splash", 1423], ["splashed", 1423], ["splashing", 1423], ["water", 1429], ["face", 1440], ["look", 1454], ["reflection", 1471], ["hair", 1484], ["tumble", 1493], ["tumbling", 1493], ["wildly", 1500], ["thick", 1509], ["thickest", 1509], ["wave", 1515], ["waved", 1515], ["waves", 1515], ["reach", 1526], ["reaching", 1526], ["halfway", 1534], ["halfways", 1534], ["scratch", 1575], ["scratched", 1575], ["scratching", 1575], ["scratches", 1575], ["cheek", 1588], ["cheeks", 1588], ["race", 1600], ["racing", 1600], ["wood", 1618], ["woods", 1618], ["attack", 1637], ["attacked", 1637], ["branch", 1649], ["branchest", 1649], ["branches", 1649], ["bruise", 1671], ["go", 1739], ["goest", 1739], ["going", 1739], ["turn", 1753], ["mirror", 1769], ["figure", 1792], ["check", 1829], ["case", 1851], ["find", 1860], ["still", 1870], ["lock", 1877], ["locked", 1877], ["listen", 1888], ["listens", 1888], ["several", 1900], ["moment", 1908], ["moments", 1908], ["anything", 1933], ["outside", 1941], ["downstairs", 1955], ["either", 1964], ["home", 1980], ["homing", 1980], ["usual", 2003], ["stealthy", 2012], ["self", 2017], ["blew", 2027], ["blow", 2027], ["blowest", 2027], ["blowing", 2027], ["breath", 2040], ["breathest", 2040], ["sat", 2048], ["sit", 2048], ["chaise", 2062], ["lounge", 2069], ["lounges", 2069], ["near", 2074], ["window", 2085], ["windows", 2085], ["search", 2097], ["searching", 2097], ["brain", 2106], ["brained", 2106], ["braining", 2106], ["help", 2135], ["helpest", 2135], ["book", 2146], ["remember", 2176], ["rememberest", 2176], ["last", 2185], ["thing", 2191], ["read", 2198], ["reads", 2198], ["spelt", 2214], ["spell", 2214], ["contact", 2225], ["fumble", 2244], ["pocket", 2257], ["pocketing", 2257], ["pull", 2266], ["business", 2283], ["card", 2288], ["ryan", 2293], ["give", 2298], ["gave", 2298], ["stomach", 2314], ["stomachs", 2314], ["stomaching", 2314], ["swirl", 2321], ["swirls", 2321], ["swirlest", 2321], ["relief", 2333], ["reliefs", 2333], ["worry", 2343], ["worried", 2343], ["time", 2360], ["chance", 2380], ["chanced", 2380], ["chancing", 2380], ["idea", 2413], ["work", 2426], ["wrought", 2426], ["cup", 2436], ["hand", 2445], ["hands", 2445], ["picture", 2473], ["gray", 2489], ["grays", 2489], ["spray", 2508], ["sprayed", 2508], ["stubble", 2519], ["sat", 2554], ["sit", 2554], ["sitting", 2554], ["table", 2567], ["tabled", 2567], ["tabling", 2567], ["kitchen", 2582], ["kitchens", 2582], ["eat", 2591], ["eating", 2591], ["breakfast", 2601], ["read", 2612], ["reads", 2612], ["reading", 2612], ["paper", 2622], ["yank", 2654], ["yanks", 2654], ["yanked", 2654], ["logan", 2666], ["logans", 2666], ["drop", 2683], ["dropped", 2683], ["ryan", 2694], ["close", 2716], ["wobble", 2740], ["try", 2748], ["tryed", 2748], ["swivel", 2776], ["look", 2786], ["looking", 2786], ["house", 2813], ["take", 2851], ["taking", 2851], ["steady", 2863], ["steadying", 2863], ["left", 2880], ["leave", 2880], ["search", 2903], ["hall", 2912], ["upstairs", 2932], ["jog", 2940], ["jogs", 2940], ["feel", 2966], ["feeling", 2966], ["lit", 2972], ["light", 2972], ["quick", 2982], ["reach", 2994], ["curtain", 3010], ["curtaining", 3010], ["transparent", 3057], ["right", 3079], ["rightest", 3079], ["try", 3132], ["tryed", 3132], ["trying", 3132], ["peer", 3140], ["since", 3165], ["curtain", 3190], ["curtaining", 3190], ["curtains", 3190], ["truck", 3215], ["may", 3246], ["mays", 3246], ["mayest", 3246], ["might", 3246], ["already", 3259], ["left", 3264], ["leave", 3264], ["meet", 3272], ["meeted", 3272], ["bedroom", 3378], ["feel", 3389], ["float", 3406], ["floating", 3406], ["place", 3425], ["open", 3451], ["chair", 3492], ["chairing", 3492], ["work", 3534], ["wrought", 3534], ["worked", 3534], ["curl", 3570], ["curls", 3570], ["curled", 3570], ["hand", 3581], ["concentrate", 3600], ["concentrated", 3600], ["concentrates", 3600], ["picture", 3634], ["picturing", 3634], ["need", 3656], ["needest", 3656], ["motel", 3693], ["float", 3754], ["floats", 3754], ["discover", 3774], ["park", 3786], ["parks", 3786], ["car", 3794], ["passenger", 3834], ["seat", 3839], ["hoping", 3868], ["even", 3899], ["evens", 3899], ["glance", 3906], ["way", 3913], ["ways", 3913], ["put", 3925], ["puts", 3925], ["gear", 3943], ["hop", 3952], ["hops", 3952], ["hopped", 3952], ["hopping", 3952], ["handle", 3981], ["finger", 3998], ["fingers", 3998], ["go", 4001], ["goest", 4001], ["watch", 4028], ["look", 4042], ["looks", 4042], ["probably", 4060], ["frown", 4084], ["frowns", 4084], ["second", 4112], ["seconded", 4112], ["floor", 4118], ["jog", 4132], ["jogs", 4132], ["bang", 4154], ["bangs", 4154], ["loud", 4173], ["inside", 4207], ["answer", 4236], ["answeres", 4236], ["answerest", 4236], ["swear", 4248], ["sweared", 4248], ["swears", 4248], ["finally", 4274], ["give", 4285], ["gives", 4285], ["stair", 4313], ["stairs", 4313], ["head", 4323], ["heading", 4323], ["office", 4338], ["nudge", 4386], ["nudges", 4386], ["metal", 4396], ["straighten", 4415], ["straightened", 4415]]
`` after that , we wo n't need to see each other again , '' steve said . `` as far as i 'm concerned , it is n't a minute too soon . '' meg felt much the same way . she was just as eager to get him out of her life . it had n't been a good day . steve would 've liked to blame his foul mood on work-related problems , but everything at emerald city body shop had run like clockwork . the one reason that presented itself was meg remington . he 'd known from the first night that getting involved with her would mean trouble . sure enough , he was waist-deep in quicksand , and all because he had n't wanted to hurt the woman 's feelings . okay , that accounted for their dinner date , but afterward ... what happened was no one 's fault except his own . donning his leather jacket and jeans and playing the role of the disgruntled ex-con had been fun . but then he had to go and do something stupid . the stupid part was because of the kiss . he 'd been a fool to force meg to admit how good it had been . this was what he got for allowing his pride to stand in the way . well , steve had learned his lesson . the next time he was tempted to kiss meg , he 'd go stand in the middle of the freeway . man , oh man , she could kiss . only she did n't seem to realize it . much more of that kissing and he would 've been renting a hotel room . not meg , though . she acted as outraged as a nun . apparently she 'd forgotten that men and women did that sort of thing . enjoyed it , too . looked forward to doing it again . the woman was insane , and the sooner he could extract her from his life , the better . one more night , he assured himself . he was taking meg to meet nancy this evening , and when they were finished , it would be over and they 'd never have to see each other again . if she played her cards right . despite his sour mood , steve grinned . he 'd never forget the look of shock and horror in lindsey 's eyes when he walked into the house . her jaw had nearly hit the carpet when he put his arms around meg 's waist and announced that he was an ex-con . he would n't forget the look in meg 's eyes , either . steve laughed outright . gary wilcox asked . steve glared at his foreman . at six o'clock , steve pulled into the parking space in the alley behind meg 's bookstore . he did n't like the idea of sneaking around and going to her back door , but that was what meg wanted and far be it from him to argue . he 'd be well rid of the woman-at least that was what he kept trying to tell himself . he knocked and waited a few minutes , growing impatient . the door opened and a woman in black mesh nylons and the shortest miniskirt he 'd seen in years stood in front of him . she vaguely resembled tina turner . she wore tons of makeup and she 'd certainly had her hair done at the same salon as tina . `` i 'm here for meg remington , '' he said , annoyed that meg had made such a fuss about his coming to the back door and then sent someone else to answer it . `` steve , '' meg whispered , `` it 's me . '' he jerked his head back and examined her more thoroughly . `` we 're meeting my sister , '' he reminded her stiffly , `` not going to some costume party . '' `` i took my cue from you , '' she said . you arrived at my door looking like a hell 's angel-what did you expect me to do ? '' steve rubbed his face . darned if he knew anymore . all he wanted was to get this over with . i need to change shoes . '' she slipped out of a perfectly fine pair of flats and into spiky high heels that added a good five inches to her height . steve wondered how she 'd manage to walk in those things . she might as well have been on stilts . he led her around to his car and opened the door . he noticed that she sighed with what sounded like relief once she was inside the car . `` i did n't know what i was going to do if you brought that motorcycle again . '' she tugged down her miniskirt self-consciously . `` for the record , i do n't often take it out . '' she looked relieved , but why it should matter to her one way or the other , he had no idea . `` just remember , '' he said , feeling obliged to caution her . `` nancy 's a few years older than lindsey . she wo n't be as easily fooled . '' `` i 'll be careful about overkill , '' she mumbled , `` unlike certain people i know . 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he 's breathing slowly , his voice muted in the tiny room . i almost feel bad interrupting him , but i have to know . the thought wo n't go away . his breathing halts , the warm muscles behind me solid and tense like granite . then he relaxes , as if by will . the monitors ping on . go to sleep , honey . '' `` you called me 'honey , ' '' i whisper , my eyes filling with tears . he ca n't see me , and that 's good . `` i 'm just so , so grateful you 're going to be okay . '' his hand rests on my hip with a possession and a familiarity i like . i like it very much , but i 'm so , so tired . `` thanks to you , '' i mumble , and then that 's all there is . chapter four the first date i have after i get out of the hospital feels like a combination of a bad girls episode and sealing myself to the bathtub during an unfortunate do-it-yourself waxing session . why do you think my mother insists on making me go with her to the spa ? she let me get out of it this week because of billionaires and bees and that whole shannon-almost-died thing , but i know it 's coming soon . this bad date , though-it turns out it 's going to be a doozy . the kind of night where you go on truu confessions and skewer the person , then it becomes a buzzfeed article and the next thing you know you have a podcast that propels you to a cable show and then- `` i wish i had been there , shannon , '' steve says in a low murmur . i 'm on a date with steve . declan is off in new zealand slaying orcs or whatever you do `` on business '' in new zealand . he almost offered to bring me , but the whole iv-in-the-arm thing and my mom 's screams about new zealand bees killing her daughter put a stop to that . `` bad timing '' will be etched on my gravestone , i swear . plus i have a backlog of shops to do , including two podiatrist offices ( checking fungal safety protocols ) , one cigar shop ( to see if there 's clerk bias against women ) , one massage company ( hallelujah ! ) , and fourteen fast food restaurants testing out a new caesar salad . fortunately , i like anchovies . amanda 's allergic to them ( she says ... ) , so i know what i 'll be eating for lunch for the next three weeks . last night i got into a lovely sexting session with declan that ended in some pictures of him and a few pictures of me and let 's just say thank god for the fact that pictures you take on snapchat all get deleted within a few minutes , because if this relationship goes south there would be pictures of me in compromising positions way more embarrassing than a hand in the toilet . steve is , instead , my `` date . '' he keeps calling it a date , and i keep calling it , well , nothing . we 're at a local mexican joint where all the food is homemade and delicious , but coated with cilantro the way my mother puts on mascara . three layers deep and with a ruthless efficiency few can master . at least none of the cooks poked my eye out while applying it . `` if you 'd been there it would have been awkward , steve , '' i say in a no-nonsense voice , though i reach forward and pat his hand . that 's such a patented marie jacoby gesture that i freeze and snatch my fingers away as if i 'd been burned . they say you turn into your mother as you age . it 's so weird to realize how much of your parents seeps into you unconsciously . pretty soon i , too , will wear nothing but yoga pants and use push powder to fluff up my thinning hair while talking incessantly about farmington country club weddings and my dildo collection . and if i had married steve , that pretty much would have summed up the next three decades . i shudder again and shove a fried tortilla chip in my mouth to stifle a groan . `` why would it have been awkward ? '' he asks , one corner of his mouth turned up in what i assume is an attempt to give me a seductive smile . he looks like the joker , minus makeup . i chew fast and swallow hard . `` because declan and i were on a date . '' do i really need to spell out the obvious ? `` got a problem with two men at once ? '' he says in a guttural tone i 've never heard from him . `` and ewwww , who wants two men at the same time ? '' one is hard enough to handle . if i want two men at the same time then one of them can change my oil while i have sex with the other one . now there 's a fantasy .	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nora had been wearing her good dress , the one she saved for parent-teacher conferences , but she had plopped down cross-legged on the sand . ruby had stood there , waiting to be bawled out , her chin stuck out , her arms crossed . instead , nora had reached into her pocket and pulled out the joint that had been found in ruby 's locker . amazingly , she had put it in her mouth and lit up , taking a deep toke , then she had held it out to ruby . stunned , ruby had sat down by her mother and taken the joint . they 'd smoked the whole damn thing together , and all the while , neither of them had spoken . gradually , night had fallen ; across the water , the sparkling white city lights had come on . her mother had chosen that minute to say what she 'd come to say . `` do you notice anything different about victoria ? '' ruby had found it difficult to focus . `` it looks farther away , '' she had said , giggling . `` it is farther away . that 's the thing about drugs . when you use them , everything you want in life is farther away . '' nora had turned to her . `` how cool is it to do something that anyone with a match can do ? cool is becoming an astronaut ... or a comedian ... or a scientist who cures cancer . lopez island is exactly what you think it is -- a tiny blip on a map . but the world is out there , ruby , even if you have n't seen it . do n't throw your chances away . we do n't get as many of them as we need . right now you can go anywhere , be anyone , do anything . you can become so damned famous that they 'll have a parade for you when you come home for your high-school reunion ... or you can keep screwing up and failing your classes and you can snip away the ends of your choices until finally you end up with that crowd who hangs out at zeke 's diner , smoking cigarettes and talking about high-school football games that ended twenty years ago . '' she had stood up and brushed off her dress , then looked down at ruby . i 'm your mother , not your warden . '' ruby remembered that she 'd been shaking as she 'd stood up . that 's how deeply her mother 's words had reached . very softly , she 'd said , `` i love you , mom . '' that was ruby 's last specific memory of saying those words to her mother ... she turned her attention back to the columns . she noticed that this last set was paper-clipped together . the very first sentence pulled her in . dear nora : do you ever feel so alone in the world that everything normal looks out of focus ? it 's as if you 're the only black-and-white human being in a technicolor city . i have married the wrong woman . i knew it when the day came to walk down the aisle . i knew when i lifted the veil and looked down into her eyes . but sometimes you do the right thing for the wrong reasons , and you pray that love will grow . when it does n't , a piece of you dies , and day by day , it keeps dying until finally you realize there 's nothing of you left . you tell yourself that only your child matters -- the reason you got married in the first place and you can almost believe it . when you hold your baby in your arms , you finally learn what true love really is . and yet still you wonder , even as you 're holding your daughter 's hand or brushing her hair or reading her a bedtime story ... you wonder if it can really be enough . my wife and i have drifted so terribly far apart ... . lost and lonely . dear lost and lonely : my heart goes out to you . i think all of us know how it feels to be lonely , especially within the supposedly warm circle of a family . i can tell that you 're an honorable man , and you obviously know that breaking up a family is the kind of act that irrevocably destroys lives . believe me , the loneliness you feel within your family is a pale shadow of the torment you 'll feel if you walk away . i pray that if you look hard enough , you will unearth some remnant of the love you once felt for your wife , and that with care , a seed of that emotion can grow again . seek counseling ; talk to professionals and to each other . take a vacation together . touch , and not only sexually . little touches along the way can mean a lot . get involved in activities-community events , church events , that kind of thing . go see a marriage counselor . you do n't want to end a marriage and break your children 's hearts until and unless there is no possible chance for reconciliation . the last item was a handwritten letter ; there was no column attached to it . obviously , it had been submitted for publication and rejected . yet nora had saved it .	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i kind of had a headache , so i downed a couple advil and decided to take a nap . but i ended up just lying in bed and replaying the whole picnic with augustus . i could n't stop thinking about the little moment when i 'd tensed up as he touched me . the gentle familiarity felt wrong , somehow . i thought maybe it was how orchestrated the whole thing had been : augustus was amazing , but he 'd overdone everything at the picnic , right down to the sandwiches that were metaphorically resonant but tasted terrible and the memorized soliloquy that prevented conversation . it all felt romantic , but not romantic . but the truth is that i had never wanted him to kiss me , not in the way you are supposed to want these things . i mean , he was gorgeous . i was attracted to him . i thought about him in that way , to borrow a phrase from the middle school vernacular . but the actual touch , the realized touch ... it was all wrong . then i found myself worrying i would have to make out with him to get to amsterdam , which is not the kind of thing you want to be thinking , because ( a ) it shouldn't 've even been a question whether i wanted to kiss him , and ( b ) kissing someone so that you can get a free trip is perilously close to full-on hooking , and i have to confess that while i did not fancy myself a particularly good person , i never thought my first real sexual action would be prostitutional . but then again , he had n't tried to kiss me ; he 'd only touched my face , which is not even sexual . it was not a move designed to elicit arousal , but it was certainly a designed move , because augustus waters was no improviser . so what had he been trying to convey ? and why had n't i wanted to accept it ? at some point , i realized i was kaitlyning the encounter , so i decided to text kaitlyn and ask for some advice . she called immediately . `` i have a boy problem , '' i said . `` delicious , '' kaitlyn responded . i told her all about it , complete with the awkward face touching , leaving out only amsterdam and augustus 's name . `` you 're sure he 's hot ? '' she asked when i was finished . `` athletic ? '' `` yeah , he used to play basketball for north central . '' how 'd you meet him ? '' `` this hideous support group . '' `` huh , '' kaitlyn said . `` out of curiosity , how many legs does this guy have ? '' `` like , 1.4 , '' i said , smiling . basketball players were famous in indiana , and although kaitlyn did n't go to north central , her social connectivity was endless . `` augustus waters , '' she said . i 've seen him at parties . the things i would do to that boy . i mean , not now that i know you 're interested in him . but , oh , sweet holy lord , i would ride that one-legged pony all the way around the corral . '' `` kaitlyn , '' i said . do you think you 'd have to be on top ? '' `` what were we talking about . right , you and augustus waters . maybe ... are you gay ? '' i mean , i definitely like him . '' `` does he have ugly hands ? sometimes beautiful people have ugly hands . '' `` no , he has kind of amazing hands . '' after a second , kaitlyn said , `` remember derek ? he broke up with me last week because he 'd decided there was something fundamentally incompatible about us deep down and that we 'd only get hurt more if we played it out . he called it preemptive dumping . so maybe you have this premonition that there is something fundamentally incompatible and you 're preempting the preemption . '' `` i 'm just thinking out loud here . '' `` sorry about derek . '' `` oh , i got over it , darling . it took me a sleeve of girl scout thin mints and forty minutes to get over that boy . '' `` well , thanks , kaitlyn . '' `` in the event you do hook up with him , i expect lascivious details . '' `` but of course , '' i said , and then kaitlyn made a kissy sound into the phone and i said , `` bye , '' and she hung up . * * * i realized while listening to kaitlyn that i did n't have a premonition of hurting him . i had a postmonition . i pulled out my laptop and looked up caroline mathers . the physical similarities were striking : same steroidally round face , same nose , same approximate overall body shape . but her eyes were dark brown ( mine are green ) and her complexion was much darker-italian or something . thousands of people-literally thousands-had left condolence messages for her .	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at least he was wearing a pair of her dad 's sturdy work gloves , and if his boots were n't completely dry , at least he had on three pairs of socks . tink went with him , glad for the chance to do his business outside instead of on a pad . with the weather clearing , perhaps she could pick up something on the radio now . going downstairs , she switched it on ; music filled the air , a welcome relief from static , and she listened to the song as she got the beef stew out of the refrigerator to warm it up for lunch . the weather was the big news , of course , and as soon as the song ended the announcer began running down a list of closings . her road was impassable , she heard , and the highway department estimated at least three days before all the roads in the county were cleared . mail service was spotty , but utility crews were hard at work restoring service . `` also in the news , '' the announcer continued , `` a bus carrying six prisoners ran off county road twelve during the storm . three people were killed , including two sheriff 's deputies . five prisoners escaped ; two have been recaptured , but three are still at large . it is unknown if they survived the blizzard . be alert for strangers in your area , as one of the prisoners is described as extremely dangerous . '' hope went still . county road 12 was just a few miles away . she reached over and turned off the radio , the announcer 's voice suddenly grating on her nerves . unfortunately , what she was thinking was almost too frightening to contemplate . price 's uniform shirt was too small for him . he had blown it off , but she was certain now that the stain on his pants leg was blood -- and he had no corresponding wound . there were bruises on his wrists -- from handcuffs ? and he had n't had a weapon . there was still the rifle . hope left the stew sitting on the cabinet and went into her father 's bedroom . she lifted the rifle from the rack , breathing a sigh of relief as the reassuring weight of it settled in her hands . though she had loaded it just the night before , the lesson `` always check your weapon '' had been drilled into her so many times she automatically slid the bolt -- and stared down into the empty chamber . he had unloaded it . swiftly , she searched for the bullets ; he had to have hidden them somewhere . they were too heavy to carry around , and he did n't have pockets in his sweat clothes anyway . but before she had time to look in more than a couple of places , she heard the door open , and she straightened in alarm . dear god , what should she do ? three prisoners were still at large , the announcer had said , but only one was considered extremely dangerous . she had a two to one chance that he was n't the dangerous one . but he had taken her pistol and unloaded the rifle -- both without telling her . he had obviously taken the uniform off one of the dead deputies . damn it , why had n't the announcer warned people that one of the escaped prisoners could be wearing a deputy 's uniform ? price was too intelligent to get thrown in jail over some penny-ante crime , and if by some chance he had , he would n't compound the offense by escaping . the common criminal was , by and large , uncommonly stupid . price was neither common nor stupid . given her own observations , she now thought her estimated chance of being snowbound with an extremely dangerous escaped criminal had just flip- flopped . what could `` extremely dangerous '' mean other than he was a murderer ? a criminal did n't get that description hung on him by taking someone 's television . hastily she returned the rifle to the rack , trying to be as quiet as she could . `` i 'm in dad 's room , '' she called , `` putting up his underwear . '' she opened and closed a dresser drawer for the sound effect , then plastered a smile on her face and stepped to the door . `` are you about frozen ? '' `` cold enough , '' he said , shrugging out of his coat and hanging it up . tink shook about ten pounds of snow off his fur onto the floor , then came bounding over to hope to say hello after his extended absence of ten minutes . automatically she scolded him for getting the floor wet again , though bending over to pet him probably ruined the effect . she went to get the broom and mop , hoping her expression did n't give her away . her face felt stiff from strain ; any smile she attempted must look like a grimace . what options did she have ? at the moment , she was n't in any danger , she did n't think . price did n't know she had been listening to the radio , so he did n't feel threatened . he had no reason to kill her , she was providing him with food , shelter , and sex . she could n't bear having him touch her again . she heard him in the kitchen , getting a cup of coffee to warm himself . her hands began shaking . she hurt so much she thought she would fly apart .	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`` i do what i do-i kill heinous things-to avenge someone . i do it for the victims , because they could n't do it for themselves . if i can help someone who has a name and a face , friends , a life i 've seen ... do you understand ? you said you would give me a focus , and that 's the kind of focus i want . i want to help you find whoever killed your friend . '' `` i 'm not hunting today . '' you 're going after information . you want to see if you can pick up anything around the scene where your friend was killed . and if you find something , you 're not just going to call it a day and come home . i do n't need to be trained to be helpful . i 'm lethal already . '' `` with the element of surprise , '' he qualified . `` in hand-to-hand combat you 'd be dead before you could blink . and when word gets out about you , you 'll be hunted . you 're not ready for that yet . '' `` no one can be totally ready for that . and when my time comes , it comes . `` now i 'm calling bullshit . '' `` you have to take me with you , '' she said in a voice that brooked no argument . then she gave him `` the look , '' the one she 'd given him in the airport to snare his interest . she was n't above using her feminine wiles to get her way . a full , seductive smile that rocked her back on her heels . `` you ca n't manage me , lindsay . i 'm more than happy to be the recipient of your persuasive skills , but not if you 'll be pissed off when it does n't get you what you want . '' that smile was kicking her ass . crackling electricity raced across her skin , making the hair on her nape stand on end . `` adrian- '' `` no . '' the curve of his mouth straightened abruptly . `` i wo n't make a tactical error because of my craving for you . my mission-and , most of all , you-are too important to risk . '' the tightness that constricted her chest was fueled by respect . she had a sudden crazed desire to crawl all over him nak*d. `` i have responsibilities , too , adrian . i know those things are out there . i wish i could n't feel them coming . but i can , and there 's an accountability that comes with that curse . but that 's all about what 's in it for me . for you , i can be useful and i can watch your back . '' `` i 'm a sentinel . as firm as his voice was , it was softened by the warmth in his extraordinary eyes . `` i wo n't stay here if you wo n't let me come . childish , i know , but it 's all i 've got as leverage . '' `` you 're blackmailing an angel . '' his wings materialized , flexing along with his jaw . `` i can detain you . '' `` and then my father will create a big stink about me falling off the face of the earth and you 'll have even more trouble on your hands . hey-do n't get your wings in a twist . it was partly your idea to keep him in the loop . besides , i know you want to catch the ones responsible , and every day that passes , the trail grows colder . i do n't know if you have the same sixth sense i 've got or not , but if not , we both know i can find them real quick . and they wo n't see me coming . i 'm just an average , everyday artery to them . '' `` blackmail works both ways , lindsay . i want something in return . '' she was instantly on alert . the glimmer in his eyes was too ... triumphant , almost as if she 'd played right into his hands . `` your reason for hunting-the someone you 're avenging-i want to know who it is . '' `` i was talking about a generalized 'someone , ' `` she prevaricated . adrian studied her for a long moment , then said , `` very well . i 'll take something else , then . '' `` this- '' he was kissing her before she could blink , having moved so fast it felt like she 'd missed entire frames in a film reel . she was shocked into stillness . he sealed his mouth over hers , his firm , sensual lips pressing softly . the gentleness was unexpected , considering the tightness with which he cupped her face in his hands . his tongue slid along her bottom lip , then slipped inside . the silken caress in her mouth made her shiver , then moan . adrian kissed with the leisure of a man who took his time making love , which was a luxury she 'd never had time for . sex was for scratching an itch and for feeling human for a few stolen moments .	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but i would n't worry about not seeing the lights , even if you do go to dinner with the mayor . the lights do n't usually come out until late , anyway . you 'll have plenty of time . '' `` that 's when i saw them . it was a little before midnight . '' `` wait-you 've seen them ? journalist , that 's only because you keep forgetting to ask . '' eight across town at herbs , deputy rodney hopper was stewing over his cup of coffee , wondering where on earth lexie and that ... city boy had gone off to . he 'd wanted to surprise lexie at the library and take her out to lunch so city boy would know exactly where things stood . maybe she would have even let him escort her to the car while city boy watched with envy . oh , he knew exactly what city boy saw in lexie . and he had to be seeing it . hell , it was impossible not to notice , rodney thought . she was the prettiest woman in the county , probably the state . maybe even the whole wide world , for that matter . usually , he would n't have worried about any guy doing research at the library , and he was n't worried when he first heard about it . but then he started hearing all those folks whispering about the new stranger in town , so he 'd wanted to check it out . and they were right : all it took was one look at city boy to figure out that he had that city look about him . people who researched at the library were supposed to be older and look like absentminded professors , complete with reading glasses , poor posture , and coffee breath . but not this guy ; no , this guy looked like he 'd just strolled out of della 's beauty parlor . but even that would n't have bothered him so much except for the fact that right now they were off gallivanting around town , just the two of them . rodney scowled . just where were they , anyway ? not at herbs . and not at pike 's diner , either . no , he 'd scanned their parking lots and come up empty . he supposed he could have gone in and asked around , but word would probably have spread , and he was n't sure that would have been such a good idea . all his buddies teased him about lexie as it was , especially whenever he mentioned that they were going out on a date again . they 'd tell him to get over her , that she was just spending time with him to be nice , but he knew better . she always said yes when he asked , did n't she ? she never kissed him afterward , but that was beside the point . he was patient and the time was coming . every time they went out , they edged a little closer to something more serious . his buddies , he knew , were just jealous . he 'd hoped that doris would have some insight , but it just so happened that she was n't around , either . off at the accountant 's , they said , but she 'd be back in a little while . which , of course , did n't help him at all , since his lunch break was almost over , and he could n't exactly wait around for her . and besides , she 'd probably deny knowing anything about it . he 'd heard she actually liked city boy , and well ... was n't that special ? `` scuse me , darlin ' ? '' rodney looked up and saw her standing at the table with the coffeepot . `` nothing , rachel , '' he said . `` just one of those days . '' `` bad guys getting you down again ? '' she smiled , looking pretty , though rodney did n't seem to notice . he 'd long since come to view her as something of a sister . `` well , it 'll get better , '' she reassured him . her lips went together . sometimes she worried about rodney . `` are you sure you ca n't squeeze in a quick bite to eat ? i know you 're in a hurry and i can tell 'em to make it quick . '' i 'm not all that hungry . and i 've got some protein powder in the car for later . he extended his cup . `` a refill might be nice , though . '' `` you got it , '' she said , pouring . `` hey , would you happen to have noticed whether lexie came through here ? maybe for a to-go order ? '' have you checked at the library ? i can call over there if it 's important . '' `` no , it 's not that important . '' she hovered over the table , as if debating what to say next . `` i saw you sitting with jeremy marsh this morning . '' rodney asked , trying to appear innocent . `` the journalist from new york . i just thought i should introduce myself . '' `` he 's a handsome fella , is n't he ? '' `` i do n't notice whether other men are handsome , '' he growled . i mean , that hair .	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they sat in semi-isolation , each cradling a cup while the organized chaos of a crime scene unfolded outside . `` honey , i told you i would n't mind a little excitement in my life , but this was n't exactly what i meant , '' winifred said , her eyes twinkling . chloe studied her grandmother 's crumpled linen pantsuit and silk blouse . her white curls were disheveled , but her eyes gleamed with energy . `` gran , i need some advice . '' `` i think i 'm in love with jake . '' winifred waited , clearly expecting more . `` i know he 's not active military anymore , but he 's a soldier at heart and he looks at life from a warrior 's viewpoint . and his job is dangerous . '' winifred asked gently . i 've always chosen a quiet life . '' chloe waved a hand at the campus around them . `` i picked an academic career filled with books and study . how will jake and i manage to blend our lives ? '' `` my richard was a warrior . '' chloe felt her eyes widen . `` granddad ? he was a sweetie . '' `` yes , he was , '' winifred agreed . `` but he was also a warrior . i was a soldier 's bride , as you know , and he went away to war when we 'd been married for just two months . i thought we knew each other so well-after all , we grew up together . but war changes a man , or maybe it 's fairer to say that war strips a man down to his very core . richard was steel , solid steel . the bravest man i 've ever known . but with me and the rest of his family , he was a teddy bear . '' winifred 's voice wavered and she paused , sipping her coffee . `` we had a wonderful marriage , chloe . more than fifty years , and though he 's been gone for six years , i miss him every day . '' `` oh , gran . '' chloe hugged her , moved beyond words at the wisdom and love apparent in her words and expression . the door of the squad car opened and chloe looked over her shoulder . jake stood there , a frown growing as he searched her features . `` did you arrest that awful man ? '' winifred asked , leaning forward to look past chloe at jake . `` a uw janitor saw dodd toss his gun into the bushes outside liberty hall and followed him to mcgyver tower . when dodd went into the tower room , the janitor locked him in and called the campus police to report dodd for littering . '' chloe laughed out loud . `` that must 've been fred . '' `` fred tends to view any littering at liberty hall as a personal affront . '' jake lifted an eyebrow in query , but chloe just smiled at him without explaining further . he turned back to her grandmother . `` the seattle pd have dodd in custody . he confessed to assaulting the limo driver and forcing him to strip off his uniform before making him climb in the trunk . i 'm guessing dodd used the gun butt or a tire iron to knock the man out so he could n't make any noise and alert passersby . all of which happened before dodd picked you up at the cruise dock , winifred . '' `` the poor driver ! '' winifred exclaimed . `` was he badly injured ? '' `` he 's been taken to harborview hospital , but the paramedics checked him out after the police removed him from the limo trunk . they seem convinced he was n't hurt beyond a few bruises . '' winifred heaved a sigh of relief and made a shooing gesture with her free hand , the other occupied with balancing her cup . `` scoot , chloe . i 'll be fine here , drinking my coffee and contemplating my nice , quiet life . '' chloe slid across the seat and into jake 's arms . `` i 'm so glad you showed up at the tower when you did , '' she whispered . `` to put it mildly ... '' `` me , too . '' he nudged the car door shut and drew her away from the crowd to the far side of an empty ambulance . then he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her breathless . chloe kissed him back with all the emotion generated by the chaotic , terror-filled day . he raised his head and stared at her , breathing harshly . stunned , she could n't get her vocal cords to work . `` that 's right , marriage . i realize we 've only known each other a couple weeks , but we 've been through more in these past days than most couples go through in a lifetime . '' he sounded as stunned as she 'd felt earlier . `` you 're not shell-shocked from stress ? you 're not going to claim battlefield memory loss later on ? 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jealousy and fearfulness : new emotions , both . chapter 14 the eighth of september was a lay day for the dueling yachts , and so was the ninth . nonetheless , even though there was no racing , behind-the-scenes activity was intense . the rumor mill turned out reports of the earl of dunraven 's continuing displeasure , and it was confirmed that both boats were remeasured the day after the first race , and their load waterlines marked at his insistence . ( it was characteristic of the fever that afflicts cup watchers that they could find endless suspense and drama in the simple act of loading up a given boat with its crew , gear , and sails and then seeing how deep into the water it sank . ) tess , now as feverish as the best of them , listened to the news with fascination for those two days as a select trickle of aaron 's male friends came aboard , downed drinks , and offered educated ( and sometimes wild ) opinions about whether dunraven 's behavior was a bit of psychological cunning or the actions of a disturbed and distrustful man . it was all very relaxed and oddly pleasant , nothing like the rigidly formal exchange of calling cards and empty phrases in the drawing rooms of newport . here the spirit of easy camaraderie prevailed ; there , of mean-spirited competitiveness . it made tess think that the men in newport society who did not own boats were prisoners in their own castles . when tess told aaron of her theory later that day , he smiled in melancholy agreement . `` the men you saw today would cut me dead if they 'd been with their wives ; the poor bastards would have no choice . '' he said offhandedly , `` we 're not married . and if we were , their reaction would probably be the same . i accept that , tess . why is it so hard for you ? '' she turned away with a sigh . `` i suppose , because the code seems so ... `` it is n't , really . a son of old money can marry an actress and hope for the best . but if there are two strikes against oneif one 's wealth is only second generation , and if one happens also to be jewishwell , then one tries very hard not to strike out . '' `` especially when one has hopes for a home run for one 's daughter ? '' she asked , matching his tone . `` especially then , '' he said softly . i never tried to mislead you . '' she shut her eyes tightly , blotting out hopelessness , and then opened them and turned around . with a dangerous smile and a head held high , she said , `` i do n't care . i 'll hit my own home run . '' on the morning of the second race they were awakened by a brass band making the rounds of the harbor in a steam launch : it was eight o'clock . tess knew , without looking through the porthole , that yacht club burgees and private signal flags would be flying from every masthead and american ensigns snapping from every stern rail : it was eight o'clock . the dew would have been wiped dry from every varnished hatch and rail , and smartly dressed crews would be finishing the scrubbing of yesterday 's spills from silvery teak decks : it was , after all , eight o'clock . the world of yachting was a comfortable blend of tradition and freedom , and it had appeal for tess moran . she would miss it when she returned ashore , even if it was to her own hat shop and a brand-new life . she opened her eyes to see aaron nearly dressed . `` what energy , '' she said with a sleepy smile . `` you handle your champagne much better than i . '' he bent over her and kissed her on her brow . `` is that what turned you so insatiable last night ? in that case i 'll have to lay in a supply before our cruise back to newport . '' `` no-o , have mercy , aaron ! '' something has come over you these past few days . you 've used me up as a goddess does a mortal . i begin to feel you shall be my death , '' he complained with an ironic smile . tess chose to ignore his self-mocking tone . `` i guess i must be competingagainst all those women on the matador . '' `` tess , those women are ... nothing ! they 're part of the scene , no more significant thanthan the vendors who bring us the papers each morning . '' she folded her hands across the blanket . `` have you made love to those women ? '' `` then : no . to be honest , i no longer have the desireor the strength . '' `` what do they offer that i do n't ? '' `` we 've done everything , tried everything ... '' he smiled , then rubbed his lower lip , considering . he laughed again , to himself . `` would you let one of them join us some night ? 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our love is alive . he kissed her gently , not wanting to distract her from her mourningonly wanting to reassure her that he was here for her . i dont know how to be happy . he wasnt sure he heard her right . her words were small , quiet , faint . but they replayed over and over in his head until he was certain . she relaxed into his embrace and fell fast asleep . chapter twelve savannah awoke to a raging headache and a crook in her neck . apparently all that crap she had heard about crying being a cleansing release was bs . she didnt feel bettershe felt like a gang of giants had danced across her forehead and eyeballs . she didnt mind the crook in the neck , though , since it was simply a side effect of sleeping in her heros arms . she smiled up at his scruffy chin , then pushed herself onto her elbow so she could get a good look at him sleeping . yesterday had probably been the worst day in recent history , but today was off to a great start . once quentin had assured her that her mother was okay , she had been able to relax a bit . seeing brandons stone and finally allowing herself to grieve had helped in some small waythough she wasnt sure shed admit it to anyone . maybe miss mollys worry jar thing had some sort of magical property after all . quentin woke up under her perusal , catching her staring . he smiled and mussed her hair , then pulled her in for a bear hug . nose pressed against his chest , she fought for a breath . how did he manage to smell so delicious ? even pre-shower . if she were to die of smothering , this was definitely the way shed want to go . his hands began to massage her back , finding the pain in her neck immediately . she moaned into his touch , amazed at his ability to sense pain and heal it . she thought shed be more embarrassed to have had him see her cry . but he never made her feel bad about herself . hey , quentin . his slow , seductive smile awakened her in a completely different way . her body pressed closer to his . his hand moved down to the curve of her ass , stroking , swirling , teasing . yes , my peaches ? he rolled over so she was pinned beneath him , his bodyhis eager , ready body if the poking in her hip was any indicationpressed to hers . you have absolutely nothing to thank me for . im the one who is thankful here . she put her hands on the sides of his face . was there any man more perfect ? she had met plenty of men . none were as selfless , giving , loving , accepting . never mind the fact that he was built like a male stripper . his lean , muscular physique certainly didnt cost him any points in the you-can-be-every-month-in-the-hot-guy-calendar department . her hands drifted into his hair . she loved the way he closed his eyes when she stroked his head . she tugged his ears to bring his lips to hers . he didnt put up a fight . his kiss had the power to make the world spin . though scientist might disagree , she knew for a fact that what he did to her was the single reason the planet continued orbiting the sun . his tongue played with hers , swooping , stroking , waltzing . he nipped her bottom lip playfully , and she punished him with a hair tug and a deeper kiss . he moaned , clearly approving of her punishment . he adjusted himself so his hand could roam down her bodymeandering over her curves and finding a resting spot on her hip . he massaged deeply as his tongue continued to wreak havoc with hers . his fingers danced lower , to the top of her panties . he must have removed her pants before they went to sleep last night . with her hips thrusting upward , she invited him to enter without knocking . he continued teasing , letting his fingers skim her lower abdomen . his kisses trailed off to her ear , then her neck , all while his fingertips grazed the top of her private hair line . she shivered at the delicate intrusion , wanting him to plunge lower . quentins tongue danced over her collarbone while his hands pushed her shirt up , revealing her bra . his hot breath shot through the thin fabric , pebbling her nipples immediately . she arched and moaned , which made him laugh and tease even more . what was she telling herself about him being the perfect man ? because as soon as she became capable of forming a coherent thought , she was so changing her mind ! the man tortured . and he delighted in his torture ! his laughter came to an abrupt halt when she managed to get her hands down the front of his pants . not so funny now , huh ? quentin grunted and groaned and thrust himself into her hand . she squeezed as he lost himself to the feelings she had been dying to give him .	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donovan spoke in low tones so that shea would n't overhear , but nathan still glanced back to see that she was still firmly involved in her reading . then he turned back to his brothers and swanny . at least swanny would understand . `` what was i supposed to do , van ? there were times i thought i was crazy . she was with me when i went through unimaginable hell . she suffered it with me . she took my pain , my torture , and made it her own . she put herself at risk . huge risk . '' `` you should have told us , '' ethan said . `` we would have understood . what we did n't understand is why you put this wall between you and your family . hell , it would n't have mattered to us if you were crazy as a loon . at least we could have helped . '' `` how could you understand when i did n't understand myself ? '' nathan asked in a tired voice . `` she left me when you came for me , that last time , when i knew i was finally going to get out alive . i went crazy because , for so long , she was all i had . she was the only hope i had . she was like this talisman for me and then she was gone . and then i began to wonder if she was real . maybe i 'd imagined her . but it always came back to those emails . the ones she sent van . but then i had no idea how to find her , how to reach her , much less how to explain her to you . everyone was already tiptoeing around me like they were afraid i 'd lose my shit and start barking at the moon . i just knew that i had to come to terms with what happened on my own . and then ... '' he broke off , chanced another look in shea 's direction . `` she 's a f**king miracle . the day of rusty 's graduation party , she spoke to me and she was so afraid . i knew those bastards had taken her then . several nights before that , she 'd tried to reach out to me , but she was drugged and all i felt was her confusion and disorientation , but i knew it was her , and i knew something was terribly wrong . but again , what could i do ? i 've never felt so goddamn helpless in my life . but then she called for me . she 'd escaped and was running for her life . those bastards tortured her . they drugged her and tortured her and there was n't a goddamn thing i could do about it . but i could get to her as fast as i could . and i could do everything in my power to protect her . `` could i have asked for your help ? yeah , but then i would have had to explain everything . i would have had to combat your disbelief . we would have wasted time that shea did n't have while you decided whether to believe me or lock my ass up in some mental facility . by the time we came up with some damn plan and coordinated kgi and figured out who was going to do what , it would have been too late for shea , and i was n't going to let that happen . '' ethan 's lips tightened into a fine line . he understood all too well and nathan knew it . he 'd once been faced with the situation of having to go in and rescue his wife , and he of all people knew nathan 's frustration and why he 'd made the choices he did . swanny merely nodded . did n't offer words , just nodded his agreement . donovan sighed and ran a hand through his hair . i just wish you 'd come to us from the start . it 's been killing us to see you this way and not know what if anything we could do to help . you 're my brother and you have to know there is n't a damn thing i would n't do for you . whether you 're crazy or not . '' i do know that , van . i know i could have done things differently , but at the time it was what i thought i needed to do . i hate that i hurt you and the rest of the family . but when i came back ... i was n't the same man . i was n't sure i could ever be that man again . '' donovan put a hand on nathan 's shoulder and squeezed . no matter what you might think , you have n't changed . we love you and support you unconditionally . '' then donovan glanced over at shea . `` we 've got a shitload of stuff to process . i 've been in touch with sam . our first priority is safety . our second priority is figuring out who we 're dealing with . i 'm going to analyze the footage you uploaded and hope to hell it gives us something to work off of . sam is also ringing resnick 's bell to see what info he 'll cough up . '' `` she goes nowhere without me . `` hell , like we ca n't figure that out ?	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`` a scarificator , '' the little man explained to ulysses , with some pride , displaying his object . `` a great improvement over such crudities as lancets and fleams . got it from philadelphia ! '' the butler bent his head courteously , either in acceptance of the invitation to examine the instrument , or acknowledgment of its distinguished provenance . `` i am sure mistress cameron is most obliged for your kind condescension , dr. fentiman , '' he murmured . fentiman . so , this was the medical establishment of cross creek . i cleared my throat and ulysses lifted his head , eyes alert . `` mistress fraser , '' he said , with a small bow . `` dr. fentiman has just been- '' `` mistress fraser ? '' doctor fentiman had swung round , and was eyeing me with the same sort of suspicious interest with which i was viewing him . evidently he 'd been hearing things , too . manners triumphed , though , and he made me a leg , one hand to the bosom of his satin waistcoat . `` your servant , ma'am , '' he said , wobbling slightly as he came upright again . i smelled gin on his breath , and saw it in the blossoms of burst blood vessels in his nose and cheeks . `` enchanted , i 'm sure , '' i said , giving him my hand to kiss . he looked at first surprised , but then bent over it with a deep flourish . i looked over his powdered head , trying to make out as much as i could in the dim light of the attic . betty might as well have been dead for a week , judging from the ashy cast of her skin , but such light as there was in the attic came through thick oiled paper nailed across the tiny gables . ulysses himself looked gray , like charcoal frosted with ash . the blood from the slave 's arm had already begun to clot ; that was good-though i shuddered to think how many people fentiman might have used his nasty little implement on since acquiring it . his case was open on the floor beside the bed , and i saw no indication that he thought of cleaning his instruments between usages . `` your kindness does you great credit , mrs. fraser , '' the doctor pronounced , straightening up , but keeping hold of my hand-to steady himself , i thought . `` there is no need of your troubling yourself , however . mrs. cameron is an old and valued acquaintance ; i am quite content to attend her slave . '' he smiled benignly , blinking in an attempt to bring me into focus . i could hear the maid 's breathing , deep and stertorous , but quite regular . i itched to get my hands on her pulse . i inhaled deeply , as unobtrusively as possible . above the pungent scent of dr. fentiman 's wig , which had evidently been treated with nettle powder and hyssop against lice , and a strong fog of ancient sweat and tobacco from the doctor 's body , i caught the sharp copper scent of fresh blood , and the older reek of caked , decayed blood from the inside of his case . no , fentiman did n't clean his blades . beyond that , i could easily smell the alcoholic miasma that jamie and brianna had described , but i could n't tell how much of it came from betty , and how much from fentiman . if there was any hint of laudanum in the mix , i would have to get closer to detect it , and do it fast , before the volatile aromatic oils could completely evanesce . `` how exceedingly kind of you , doctor , '' i said , smiling insincerely . `` i 'm sure my husband 's aunt is most grateful for your efforts . but surely a gentleman such as yourself-i mean , you must have many more important demands upon your attention . i 'm sure that ulysses and myself can see to the woman 's nursing ; you 'll surely be missed by your companions . '' especially those eager to win a few pounds off you at cards , i thought . they 'll want a chance before you sober up ! rather to my surprise , the doctor did not at once succumb to the flattery of this speech . releasing my hand , he smiled at me with an insincerity equal to my own . `` oh , no , not at all , my dear . i assure you , no nursing is required here . it is no more than a simple case of overindulgence , after all . i have administered a strong emetic ; as soon as it shall have its effect , the woman may safely be left . do return to your pleasures , my dear lady ; there is no need for you to risk soiling such a lovely gown , no need at all . 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this - whatever that was - i ca n't . i just need to focus on me . i need to get through tomorrow . i ca n't handle this with you and the idea of meeting my mother tomorrow . i need to pick my battles . '' i should n't have come in here with one thing on my mind - to make us both forget . avery has bigger things on her shoulders right now . maybe she wanted to talk , have someone beside her to listen to her feelings , hell , maybe she wanted to be left alone . either way , i 've f*ked up . i pull up my jeans . she clutches the blanket around her shoulders and watches me get dressed . the moment between us has passed , and i can sense she wants me gone . i pull my t-shirt over my head . i 'm sorry , i should n't have come . she nods and i disappear through the door to my own room . avery i am shaking when jase leaves . i sink to the floor , leaning against the door he just exited . i ca n't believe he just left ... i know i freaked out , but i just needed a second . having him take control like that was too reminiscent of brent and i hate feeling out of control . my heart is slamming against my chest as i process the fact that he only wants the physical with me . is it because of my background - that 's how he sees me ? it 's the reputation i 've earned , but i thought jase , of all people , would understand i 'm not that girl anymore . my abandonment issues had clouded my judgment , and that 's all much too close to home right now . i have no idea where jase and i stand . is this just physical for him ? does he want something more ? is he over my past ? the questions wo n't stop , and i suddenly ca n't breathe . i hope that jase , who knows about my past , would understand that some things will be uncomfortable for me . but his mouth was demanding , his hands insistent , and he 'd nearly pushed me over the edge before i got control back . i do n't trust him not to hurt me again . to leave me high and dry when he stops and thinks about the pictures again . once i get my breathing under control , i get dressed and curl up in the big bed , hugging a pillow against my chest to combat the empty feeling inside . it does little good , because the pillow smells like him . it 's comforting , but it also makes the throb in my chest more painful . i spend the night tossing and turning against the lumpy mattress , begging my brain to shut off so i can sleep . sleep finally comes , but it 's restless . in the morning , neither jase nor i speak about last night . we grab breakfast from the lobby - bitter tasting coffee and stale muffins - and hit the road . i can tell he regrets coming with me . hell , he probably thinks i 'm an all-out basket case . but i ca n't focus on everything that 's gone wrong between us right now . today is the today i 've been waiting for all my life . i push away the dark , swirling thoughts about jase 's hasty departure last night and climb into the car . after two hours of driving , i pull off the highway with the excuse of needing to fill up the gas tank , but really i just need a break . my knuckles are sore from gripping the steering wheel and my emotions are all over the place . luckily , jase does n't comment that i still have half a tank , he just gets out of the car and begins pumping the gas , then offers to drive the last leg of the trip . i merely nod and shove the keys at him . jase 's expression is guarded and i ca n't tell what he 's thinking . but i try not to worry about that , and instead slump into the passenger seat while he runs inside to the convenience store . he returns a few minutes later with bottles of water and soda and a few chocolate bars . he gets in beside me and dumps everything onto my lap . `` you should have some sugar ... it 'll make you feel better . '' i nod and tear into a hershey 's bar , taking a small nibble from the corner . jase is right , the sugar floods my system and perks me up the slightest bit . i finish the whole chocolate bar and drink half the soda as he takes over driving . we 're getting close now - the gps on my phone says only a couple more turns before we reach our final destination . jase is silent , but i can see him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye as he drives . we still have n't talked about last night . i wonder if i should feel embarrassed for practically kicking him out of my room nakd and very obviously turned on , but that 's not even making the cut right now .	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pronouncing them husband and wife , fr . jim directed ryan and laura to turn and face the assemblage of friends and relatives : ladies and gentlemen , i present to you mr. and mrs. williams . it was an order quickly and gladly carried out , to a standing ovation from the crowd . laura was experiencing an emotional rush at a level she had never before attained . in spite of her plethora of negative experiences , she was feeling an urgent and nearly overpowering urge to become one with this man . the other feeling intermixed in her emotional being was of being safe and secure in this mans arms . it was almost with reluctance she again turned to face the crowd and the continuing applause . when things had quieted down a bit , judge harry stepped toward the front of the dais , and in solemn tones started reading from an official looking bi-fold . it clearly was a legal document , the meaning of which became obvious rather quickly . after intoning the document as legally required , harry leaned down and addressed jack and amanda directly . that part was not actually legally required , since they clearly were minor children , but it allowed jack and amanda to vocalize their say in their future ; buy-in to the maximum . judge harry was not only a legal scholar , but an excellent read of people as well , and he wanted these two kids to be fully vested in this family . jack and amanda , do you understand that ryan here wants to adopt you as his own children ? came the rehearsed response . and do you understand that when i sign this paper , he will officially be your legal male parent ? the lines had purposefully been kept simple , but direct . at that point , fr . jim produced a sterling silver fountain pen , and with a flourish , harry signed the document , then announced to the crowd : and may i present to you the williams family : ryan , laura , jack and amanda . kids , you may join your parents . that was all they needed to bolt from the front row , and leap on the single riser in one bound . jack proudly stood in front of his mother , with her arms around him from the back , while amanda jumped into ryans waiting arms to be picked up . the crowd reaction was to again burst into applause , a standing ovation that went on for some time . when near normalcy had returned , ryan invited the crowd to both the reception and the on-going dinner . it was a party that would last for hours , into the late night , not to mention the poker game that had just resumed in the carriage house . some charities would do well before the weekend was out . as the wedding party retired from the tent , they made their way across the short distance to the white house . laura was already experiencing a near euphoric high , walking arms linked with her husband of a few minutes , toward a place she knew was etched in his heart . remembering something from a few minutes previous , she turned toward ryan slightly and asked : in all the noise in the tent , i couldnt hear much , but did amanda say something to you when you picked her up ? she did , and i almost lost it in spite of myself . she whispered in my ear : now when i call you daddy i wont have an accident..i know , i know , but i knew what she meant anyway . its a rather big first for me you know . laura noted the somewhat husky sound now in his voice , and it confirmed for her his deep attachment to these children . the emotional impact was nearly as great on her as it had been on him . but even more experiences were in store , as ryan reached for the handle on the front door of the white house . holding it open , he invited her to enter first the house that mary envisioned . lauras reaction was much the same as she had first experienced when they had landed in suite a for what was to be a few nights of respite . that all seemed so long ago and far away now . the understated elegance of the white house didnt awe first time visitors ; it reached out to them , drew them in , and made them feel welcome at a comfort level of a family home . laura loved it in an instant , and with her husband at her side , the euphoric feeling grew , if that was indeed possible given the already high level . kids in tow , they did a quick tour of the ground floor , then let the kids head off hand in hand to be with their own friends . it was less of a formal reception and much more a meet and greet style assembly . ryan and laura made their way around the room person to person . meeting her sister for the first time in several weeks , laura just opened her arms and hugged her . there was little that was said , or needed saying . by early evening , they had met virtually everyone on the grounds , both in the white house and in the great room of the original house .	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awkwardly , she stumbled closer , spreading her legs wider until she straddled his own . every delectable part of her was on display for him . she might look hesitant , but he knew her desire and the need to submit had overcome her caution . breathless , she stood , waiting , looking down at him with need glowing in her eyes . `` tell me what you 're thinking , '' he demanded softly . `` that you make me ache and want you when i should n't . '' he petted her thigh , curled his fingers around to the back of her leg , and prowled up until he cupped her ass . `` why should n't you desire your husband ? we wo n't get caught . '' jason pulled her into his lap , her thighs gripping his hps before he grabbed her chin . `` i will place your needs above my own and take care of you until the end of time . i will never let you hunger or suffer or worry . i will bear your burdens , father your children , and hold your hand . no man will ever give you more . '' and he refused to let this topic fester any more between them now . he 'd rather drown out her thoughts with pleasure . cradling her head in his hands , he yanked her toward him . her lips crashed into his . gia gasped , conveniently opening to him . jason took advantage , sliding inside to claim her with a ravaging kiss . intent on stealing her breath , he stroked ever deeper into the silky heaven of her mouth . he tasted the little butterscotch candy she 'd sucked on just before they arrived . the musky dew of her cream wafted in the air between them . in his head , the two blended for a sensory buzz that had him reeling . jason urged her closer . fuck , he had to get inside her soon . but he had to fulfill her first . gia needed to surrender , to pull that submissive part out of her and give everything over to him so he could make her feel safe . so she 'd be whole . so they 'd have a stronger bond . as he broke away from the kiss , he nudged her back and helped her to her feet . he leaned to retrieve a skirt the sales associate had brought gia to try on and ripped the belt from its delicate loops . she closed her eyes as if she had to steel herself or find courage , but she did exactly as he asked . `` keep your legs spread and give me your hands . '' gia looked at the two of them in the mirror , her gaze bouncing from her completely exposed body to his face , trying to read him . he remained purposely blank . when she 'd submitted and pleased them both , he would make sure she felt his approval . finally , she stepped wide again and wound her hands around to the small of her back . he grabbed them with greedy glee and looped the wide cloth belt around her wrists , loose enough to allow blood to flow , but tight enough to keep her under his control . taking her hps in his hands again , he turned gia to face him . i always like you bound and merciless . now be a good girl and suck my cock . '' her breath caught , and she cut her gaze to the dressing room door . they had at least fifteen minutes before anyone interrupted them . `` focus on me , '' he snapped as he unbuckled his belt and slid the button free . the zipper went down with a little hiss . gia 's breathing picked up speed . she bit her lip as if nerves dive-bombed her , but her skin flushed and her nples looked harder than ever . the fear of being caught was part of the game for her . it scared her , but not enough to stop playing . the words fell from her lips , an automatic response she 'd given to him a thousand times when they 'd played at dominion . he 'd always loved hearing her shaky little voice acquiescing to his every dirty demand . whether gia intended it or not , she was letting him past her walls , allowing him back into her psyche , trusting him . the thrill of that raced through him as she lowered herself to one knee , clearly intending to kneel to her task . `` stand with your legs spread and bend at the waist . i want to see your psy in the mirror . '' somehow , he still managed to shock his little wife every now and then , and that gave him a supreme thrill . as he wrapped his hand around his engorged staff , holding it up to her , she began to obey , bending to him slowly . about halfway down , he stopped her with a finger under her chin . let me see how you intend to take me . '' her brown eyes darkened . he released her face and filtered his fingers into her hair , bracing around her neck to urge her down . as she wrapped her plump lips around his cock , he hissed in a breath at the shock of sensation .	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of course not , i dont know why my mind went there . and no , you dont need to keep him away from me . i think hell calm down , i would probably be a little bitter if i wore his shoes as well . scratch that , id be a lot bitter . wouldnt we all . i do not envy him his life , i can not imagine the pain he has endured and i understand it would affect him , but we can not spend our lives excusing our actions with pain from our past . i will not stand by and allow him to act in such a way in your presence , or that of any lady . i said dryly , mouth quirking at one corner . anyway , i can take care of myself . chuckling , nikolas nodded again . laughter dying , he pinned me with a look that reached my toes . forgive me , but i will always try and save you , just the same . before i could take a breath , hed lifted my hand to his lips and placed a light kiss there , never breaking eye contact . i was going to have to locate the sign around here that said , please do something really romantic and walk away without another word . when nikolas rounded the corner , i flew into my room and pushed the door shut . turning , i put my back to the door and slid into a puddle at the base of it and stayed that way for a while . i jumped when a knock thumped against my back . came the timid voice from the other side of the door . i ran my hands over my face and breathed a sigh of relief . i called as i stood . we are here to dress you , your highness . the timid voice advised . i opened the door a slice and peaked through . but , i can dress myself . i counted two of heads , girls around my age or perhaps slightly older , just outside the door . giving a slight bow , the one whod been doing the talking spoke again . the queen has sent us to attend you , princess . opening the door wider , i gestured for them to enter . they both passed into the room , stopping and dipping into brief bows . the timid voice from the door introduced herself first . i am leyona , princess , at your service . mousy brown strands of hair framed her face in tight curls , but the length of it was wound into a tight bun at the nape of her neck . pock marks littered her face , maybe from acne or some childhood illness . wide , brown eyes stared out of a face that seemed a bit too small to hold them . despite features that were less than stellar , there was a beauty about her . a sweetness to her face that the scars could not hide . honest eyes and a kind smile could go such a long way . the other girl was an effortless kind of beautiful . silky black hair hung stick straight down her back , gathered with a ribbon between her shoulder blades . hazel eyes glowed against her honey colored complexion , framed in sooty lashes , set deep in her heart shaped face . she refused to look me in the eye so leyona elbowed her gently , prompting her to speak . begging you pardon , your highness , my name is s-sin . i felt my forehead crinkle in confusion . s-sin , your highness . she repeated , full lips trembling . your given name is sin ? does that mean something different than i think it does ? leyona answered . no , your highness , i imagine your thoughts are spot on to its meaning . sputtering , the girl whod called herself sin provided explanation . its what me father named me . he said , he said thats what i was , the product of sin . your father said this to you ? i whispered , more to myself than anyone . the girl shook her head quickly at the floor . he wasnt really my father , my mother was his wife . i dont know who me real father was . i took her by the hands and she flinched at my touch , but then let me lead her to a stool where i convinced her to sit . i squatted in front of her and looked her in the eyes . we will give you a new name . what would you like to be called ? the girl blinked at me , like id spoken a language foreign to her , then understanding dawned in her eyes . you , you meando you mean that ? i can choose a different name ? the girl smiled , tears still tracking down her cheeks . i think me name should be mattie . eyes wide and shinning , she nodded to herself . yes , mattie is a very nice name . smiling back , i nodded my approval . i think its an excellent name . i pulled her to her feet and the sleeves of her dress slipped back enough to reveal deep red scars about her wrists . without thinking , i pushed back the sleeves . the scars stretched several inches along her arms , angry and red and puckering her perfect skin . i knew what the color and texture meant .	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every scenario imaginable , every choice , every ending ; every string of thought played out like a line of paper dolls , whispering through the air , pulled by invisible strings in an unstoppable charade of shadowy figures . these players in my life , the two men that now dominated much more than my body , they controlled my every thought ... i could n't run from them . i had to make sense of all that i was feeling once and for all . even if it meant finally losing all control and surrendering my heart . * dinner with chase ; date at the club . my mind , as usual , was overwhelmed with what to wear . on thursday night , i dug out the box of clothing jake had sent over for our first time at chase 's club . i did n't want to wear the same outfit ; for one , i 'd have felt ridiculous having dinner in a leather corset and crotch-length zip-back leather skirt . besides , the lace-patterned stockings never made it back home with me . i dumped the box out on my bed . the cat sniffed cautiously at the strange collection of man-made fibers and then curled up on top of a pair of leather pants i 'd discarded . after much rummaging and muttering , i found a black dress , long , with a slit up the side that ended somewhere near my waist . the sleeves were loose and flowing , but the bodice and torso fit me like a glove . standing in front of the mirror , with my highest heels on , i was actually pleased with the look . the leg that was visible looked eight miles long . the only problem was what to wear underneath . all my lingerie showed , except for one tiny black thong hidden in the bottom of my lingerie drawer . part of me felt totally exposed , a good gust of wind and i 'd have no secrets . but a bigger part of me liked that feeling . daring is not a word usually found in my vocabulary , but i really wanted to wear this dress . i wanted to wear it for chase . it would take me through dinner without feeling like i was in costume and it would n't look out of place at the club . i did n't think chase was going to strip me down and tie me up again , even though the memory of him doing just that sent a tingle down my spine . it seemed more like i 'd be playing hostess to his host . you 're thinking for other people , abby . chase 's condo was in an upscale part of the city . again , he 'd given impeccable directions and i arrived unscathed , but very early . i rang the buzzer , waited and rang it again . there was a muffled curse on the other side of the door and then chase was there at the open door , shirtless and barefoot , in just jeans . his hair was damp along the edges , a bit unruly , totally sexy . `` abby , sorry . he held the door , ushering me inside , reaching for my coat . `` one of the fillies is due to foal any minute and she looked like she was going to drop it today . but , as fillies are prone to do , she did n't . i wanted to ... '' he stopped in mid-sentence . he was holding my coat in his hands , forgotten , his eyes traveling over my body , lingering on certain parts ... clvage , long legs , back to cl*vage . `` you wanted to ? i took a step forward , my hand on his chest . i could feel his heart thudding beneath my fingers . his voice was low , that honeyed-whiskey voice that drives me wild . he pulled me against him , coat discarded on the floor . his lips found mine , all single-minded passion . his hands were at my back , sliding down to cup my ass . his fingers moved to the side of the dress with the slit . i felt a hesitation in his kiss as his hand found the edge of the dress , moving beneath to explore the nakd skin of my leg , heading further inside , heading toward my ass . he looked at me , one brow cocked . `` abby , you 're not wearing any panties . '' his smile was slow , sensuous . he was looking at me as if i were the appetizer before a full course meal . never ... and i am wearing some . see if you can find them . '' i pulled him back down to me , renewing our kiss . his hand continued exploring beneath the dress , fingers skating over my skin , his fingers sliding into the cleft , briefly snapping the elastic of the thong . `` ah ... bingo . '' `` you really are full of surprises , are n't you ? '' he attempted to kiss me again but i held him at arm 's length . `` do n't you have a club to get to ? and dinner ? '' i pretended to pout , trying hard to look put-upon and not as aroused as i really felt . `` ah , yes , my lady . '' he bowed , waving me toward the dining room table . `` just let me finish getting dressed .	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clay did n't think he could forgive her for either of those things . he did n't need to be running after the woman who was responsible for what had happened . right now , he needed to focus on getting some dry clothes and getting himself up to the hospital . he stepped into his living room , and the sight of tricia 's suitcase and purse lined up like they were ready to go reminded him of every other heartache he 'd ever suffered . and to make it worse , chad ames , a-hole of the century , had decided to pay a social call . `` man , what the hell happened to you ? '' chad asked as clay entered his home . the lead singer for tumbleweed sat on the sofa in the living room looking handsome . with his spiky bleached hair and soul patch , chad was the hottest heartthrob in country music . and as usual , he was operating as if the world revolved around him . he sat with one leg cocked up over the other , his arm around tricia with her head resting on his shoulder . a pile of kleenex littered the coffee table , and by the look of things , there had been a major scene played out between chad and tricia that had , at least for the moment , ended amicably . tricia was asleep . well , that was a good thing . that loose end was tied up nice and neat and tidy . clay did n't have to worry about having to settle for something comfortable instead of passionate . he could settle for nothing at all . that thought hit him like a punch to the gut . clay wondered where ricki might be . maybe the woman had taken the hint and hightailed it back to los angeles . he did n't want ricki , either . you want jane , his heart said . you ca n't have jane , his head rejoined ; she 's a criminal . every time that thought crossed his mind , his chest constricted and his gut burned . `` great timing as usual , '' clay said in a barely civil voice , then turned his back on chad and tricia as he headed toward the bathroom at the back of the house . `` hey , man , wait up . '' clay stopped midway down the hall , ready to punch chad if the guy pushed him too hard . right now , he did n't even care about messing up his hands . he just wanted to hit something , hard , and chad looked like a good target . clay turned and watched chad disengage himself from tricia and lay the sleeping woman out on the couch . the singer sauntered down the hall . letting you steal my woman and my band and- '' clay stopped in midstream . this was an old hurt . he was almost over it . he had other , much bigger hurts right now . `` hey , look , '' chad said . clay let go of a cynical laugh . but for the record , i 'm glad you 're here . '' so you 're ready to reconsider and come back ? we could sure use- '' `` are you insane ? i meant that i 'm glad you came to get tricia . i 'm glad on her account . '' chad shrugged like that did n't matter much . `` look , the thing is , everyone in tumbleweed feels bad about what happened . fact is , we would n't be where we are today without your songs . it- '' `` you mean you would n't be where you are without 'i got ta know . ' `` if he could bottle up this hurt and turn it into lyrics , he might end up as a success at something . is n't that what jane had told him on saturday night ? country music was made for sad love songs , and he had plumbed the depths of human heartache . `` the songs are good , clay , that 's what i mean . but more than that , there 's no reason you had to walk out . everyone wants you back . our new fiddler has n't worked out , and there 's a place for you in the band , man . '' something deadly coursed through clay . chad ames was a hanger-on . and so were tricia and ricki . they came into his life when they needed him and left when the need disappeared . tumbleweed had been clay 's band . he 'd been the one to hire chad as a lead singer . boy , the guy had cojones . are you more interested in getting me to write a few more songs than you are in tricia ? '' `` look , clay , this is a good deal for both of us . it 's not like you have n't made some money on the songs tumbleweed recorded . and , hey , it would make tricia happy , you know . she says you 're still her friend . and i figure with the baby and all , it would be better if you were around . '' clay lost it then .	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today we 're going to play hopscotch in the sand . who wants to help me make the squares ? '' hands went up , kids started yelling , `` me , me , me ! '' and bouncing up and down . it reminded grace of the baby birds she 'd seen at the newborns exhibit her dad had taken her to . she walked over to her usual spot . everyone knew she liked it here . she sat on a log in the sand , way out of the waves ' reach . sometimes , if she was lucky , she saw a crab or a sand dollar . mostly , she just talked to her best friend . she stared down at the pink band she wore on her wrist . on its center , where there used to be a minnie mouse watch , her daddy had placed a small round mirror , about the size of her palm . it was the best present she 'd ever gotten . it had allowed her to leave her bedroom . before the wrist mirror , she 'd spent hours standing in front of her bedroom mirror , talking to her friend , ariel , who was a princess on another planet . grace was n't stupid . she knew that some of the other kids made fun of her for having an invisible friend , but she did n't care . the kids in her class were stupid anyway . none of them knew how quiet this planet could be , so they had n't learned to listen like she had . she was used to quiet . her grandparents ' house was like a library sometimes . there was something wrong with grace . she 'd known that her whole life , even if she did n't know what it was . people did n't like her , not even her grandma . grace tried to be likable and nice and quiet , she really did , but none of it ever worked , and things just went wrong for her , no matter how hard she tried . she broke things and tripped over stuff and could n't seem to learn her letters . hey , gracerina , ariel said . grace looked down at the circle of glass . she could n't really see ariel . she just knew her friend was there now , and she could hear the voice in her head . grown-ups always asked grace how she knew when ariel was around or what her best friend looked like . grace told them ariel looked exactly like cinderella . she could n't actually see ariel , but she knew when her best friend was in the mirror and when she was gone . and she did look like cinderella . grace would swear it . she still remembered the first time ariel had shown up . grace had been a baby , still in diapers . she 'd been home with nana , who used to babysit sometimes when daddy was busy with school . all grace remembered about those days was the sound of nana crying . everything made nana sad : the music on the radio , the color pink , the dumb old green sweater hanging in the entry , the closed door upstairs . just looking at grace made nana cry . one day , grace had done something wrong . all she knew was that one minute she was standing there with a stuffed pink puppy that she 'd found in her grandparents ' room , and the next minute nana was yanking the puppy out of her hands so hard grace stumbled sideways and plopped onto her butt . nana burst into tears and so did grace . she waited for her daddy , but no one came to get her , and finally she just sat there alone , sucking her thumb . then she 'd heard someone say her name . gracie , come here ... follow me ... she 'd wiped her slimy nose and stood up . holding her yellow blanket , she followed the voice up the stairs to the door that was always shut . no one ever played in this room . inside , it was like something out of a fairy tale , all pink and yellow and perfect . over by the dresser was a big mirror that was shaped sort of like a football , with a red and gold flag stuck into the hinge . a bunch of glittery gold stuff framed the oval mirror-bracelets and metal flowers and sparkly rainbows . gracerina ? she remembered peering into the mirror , seeing a flash of yellow and smear of pink . grace frowned , looked harder , seeing ... something . a girl , maybe , a little older than her . `` i 'm bad , '' grace said , feeling tears start again . `` grace bad . '' you 're not bad . i 'm ariel . i 'll be your friend as long as you need me . here , gracerina . lie down on the carpet , go to sleep . i could tell you a story . grace had been so tired . she 'd curled up on the soft carpet and pulled her blanket around her . sucking her thumb , she 'd fallen asleep to the pretty sound of her new friend 's voice . since then , ariel had been her bestest-her only-friend .	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i know this will shock you , but i want to leave the house , the workshop , and all the tools to you . the sky 's the limit ! walk in my footsteps , dear friend . warmly , rachel jake reread the note as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on . `` but she 's not going to idaho , '' he said . `` but it 's her handwriting , '' lionel said . `` i 've seen it a bunch of times , and she wrote that . `` all i can tell you , lionel , is that she was n't planning to go to idaho with me . and it 's not like she showed up over at my place and announced she was doing that . not considering everything . '' `` you know that better than i do , mr. hunter . `` so you 've been all through the house ? '' in his desperation , jake prayed that she was still inside her cabin , maybe in the bathroom . lionel would n't have opened that door to check on her . `` i 've searched everywhere , '' lionel said . `` even the bathroom . '' that killed jake 's hope that she was in there . `` it 's like she said . '' lionel gestured around the shop . he turned to something lying in a heap on the workbench . `` she left dirty dishes in the sink , and this draped over a chair . '' he held up jake 's wolf t-shirt . a sense of dread settled in the pit of jake 's stomach . `` something 's very wrong about this . '' `` well , duh , i know that . but what about her note ? why did she write something like that ? '' jake studied the note . after three years of looking at rachel 's thank-you note to him , he knew her handwriting well . at first glance , this looked exactly like it . the loops were n't quite as open , and the pressure on the paper was n't quite as deliberate . rachel wrote with an artist 's flourish , and this handwriting was more controlled , more tentative . the longer jake looked at this note , the more he became certain that someone , probably whoever had swiped her note out of his coffee-table book , had forged her handwriting . his money was on the hunters , or someone connected to this consortium they 'd hooked up with . he gazed at lionel . `` this note makes no sense because she did n't write it . the handwriting 's slightly different , and besides , she signed it rachel . if she 'd written it , she would have signed it miss m. '' `` you 're right ! '' lionel sucked in a breath . `` then who did write it ? '' `` the same creeps who have made her disappear . '' you think she 's been kidnapped ? or ... '' `` kidnapped . '' jake would n't let himself think of the alternative . although his heart pounded frantically , he had to keep his mind clear , for rachel 's sake . `` yes , i think she 's been kidnapped . '' `` then i 'm calling the cops . '' lionel pulled out his cell phone . jake had a good idea who had taken her , and calling the human police might do no good whatsoever . he laid a hand on lionel 's arm . `` let me try something else first . '' `` do n't laugh , but rachel and i have a psychic connection . '' i believe in psychic connections , mr. hunter . can you tune her in ? '' dear god , please let it work . then he remembered how the connection between them had seemed to go dead about an hour ago and his blood ran cold . if anything had happened to her , he would have no reason to live . he 'd have a reason-finding those who 'd harmed her and making them pay . `` if you get a bead on her , we 're going after her , '' lionel said . `` absolutely , lionel . '' panic clawed at jake 's insides , but he refused to give in to it . and her fate could well depend on his ability to handle this . he briefly thought of going back and forcing the hunters to tell him what they knew . but they might not have details of the plan and he 'd only waste valuable time trying to get the information out of them . connecting directly to rachel would be faster . if he could n't do that , then he 'd confront ann and bruce . but either way , he would find her . she was everything to him , and he finally knew that . chapter 24 rachel tried to fight free of the dreamlike fog that enveloped her so she could think . she had an urgent need to think , but she was n't sure why that was , and her brain was n't working right . `` she 's coming out of it . '' rachel did n't recognize the voice . had she crashed on the road between jake 's cabin and hers ?	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its time , he told her , closing his eyes , holding her tight , never wanting to let her go . we need to go now ; it wont be long before the guards are here . kevans heart ached at the thought of leaving him . promise me that youll be careful , she begged him . i promise i will be careful . you trust marcus . he may be arrogant , but he is a hell of a leader , always was . kevan nodded , as she fought the urge to hold onto him and never let him go . i love you , caleb maclaren . he leaned back , and looked into her eyes , his thumbs caressing her cheeks . i love you , kevan cameron . he bending over , kissing her more gently than he ever had before , as if he were memorizing her taste . a shout broke their moment , and they stepped back from each other . he wanted nothing more than to haul her into his arms and never let her go . taking another step back , his eyes never left her face , as he fought his instincts to not to change his mind about letting her go on this quest without him . be safe , he told her . you too , she whispered , and then he turned away , striding across the camp to where the horses were waiting to take them to galen . stopping one last time , he looked over his shoulder at kevan , who still stood where he had left her . kevan stood watching him walk away from her . she hated that they werent going to be doing this together . she jumped as kaitlyn interrupted her thoughts . kevan looked to her sister . hes going to be alright , kevan needed her assurance . kevan , my dear , hes an immortal warrior who has fought god knows how many battles . thats not helping , kaitlyn . kevan , hes going to be just fine . he has something to come back for , kaitlyn told her . come on , weve got to get moving . wren says we cant risk the dragons flying into camp , so we need to get to the edge of the forest to meet them . kevan nodded , as she threw one more look in calebs direction . he looked at her and smiled ; a quick nod from him was her last view before he turned away . kevan took a deep breath and turned to kaitlyn . okay , she told her . chapter twenty four wren and ronan set a brutal pace getting them to the edge of the forest . cant we slow down ? no , ronan threw back at her . if we are to escape the kings guards , we need to keep moving and get to the dragons . that is the only way that we are going to escape . kaitlyn moaned , but she continued to run after them . damn , i thought i was in better shape than this , but oh my god , i dont know if i will be able to keep this up for much longer , she complained to kevan . well , suck it up kaitlyn , we need to keep moving , wren yelled over her shoulder like a drill sergeant . kaitlyn let out another groan , but kept moving . im really starting to hate you , wren ! thats fine , as long as you keep moving . an hour later the trees began to thin , the runners given a sense of hope when they spilled into a wide empty clearing . they all collapsed to a stop . mattus , where are you ? wren yelled , as she strode into the middle of the clearing . here , wren . she turned around , looking skywards , waiting to catch a glimpse of the dragons that would take them on the start of their search . there they are , she told the others . so are you ready for this ? she asked kevan . as ready as we can ever be , kevan told her , watching five dragons land one after another . wren , we must hurry . mattus told her . how many , and how far out ? i would say almost two dozen , only about 30 clicks out ; we need to move so that we are out of range of their weapons . wren nodded her agreement . she told the group gathered behind her . as you heard , the guards will be here soon , and we have to get moving . wren looked to leila . since you are the one that can sense this grimoire , you ride with ronan ; he will take the lead . the rest pick your ride , and get on board . wren looked at kevan , understanding the fear and excitement that rode on her face . this is going to be nothing like your last ride . terrified is the word that comes to mind , but so excited , you wouldnt even believe it . then climb aboard and lets get moving . the rush of wind set her heart pounding . feelings of absolute terror and complete exhilaration pumped through her body at the same time . the night ride that had taken them to the rebel camp could not compare with this ride , as they soared high above the ground during daylight .	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she shot him an upside-down scowl . righting , she ran her fingers through her hair . `` stop acting like you know me so well , '' she snapped . with a slow , sexy smile that she watched unfold in the mirror , he came up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders . `` i do know you so well . '' he punctuated his words with a brush of his lips over her neck that made her tremble . sam tried - and failed - to shake him off . `` i know you 're frustrated , babe - `` `` you do n't know anything . '' `` i know i love you , and i hate to see you hurting . '' damn if he did n't always know just how to get to her ! the starch left her spine , and she sagged into his embrace . his chin settled on the top of her head , his arms tightened around her waist . in the mirror , he found her eyes . `` it makes me so mad ! '' `` that my dad is stuck forever in that chair , and the person who shot him is walking around , living his life , like nothing ever happened . he took my dad 's freedom ! he took he should have to pay for that . '' a lump of emotion in her throat reduced her voice to a whisper . `` he should have to pay . '' `` yes , he should . and i have no doubt that he will , because you wo n't give up . you 'll never give up until you find him . '' he turned her so they were face to face . knows that , too . he about you . the best detective in this city is on his trail , and he it , sam . i 'll bet it keeps him awake at night . '' she rested her cheek against the hard muscle of nick 's chest . `` it makes me mad . '' `` mad is good . '' `` mad is motivating . '' `` mad is debilitating . '' `` only if you let it be . your dad was so proud of you earlier . '' nick 's lips brushed through her hair as he spoke softly to her . `` he all but radiated with it , sam . watching your sisters pin those bars on your collar , he had tears rolling down his face . that was enough for him today . so maybe it can be enough for us , too . why do n't we put clarence reese on the back burner until tomorrow so you can enjoy tonight ? every cop on duty in this city is out there looking for him , so why do n't you let it go for tonight ? you 've worked so hard to get to this day . do n't allow anyone to make it less , especially someone who could do what that guy did to his family . '' begrudgingly , sam looked up at him . his face lifted into the sexy grin that made her bones go weak . `` you 're good for me . '' he pressed his lips to hers and sucked the oxygen right out of her lungs with a soul-stirring , mind-altering kiss that cleared her brain of every thought except the urge to tear the clothes off his body . `` i know you 're bummed about what i told you earlier , about moving in , '' she said when they came up for air . pressing another kiss to her lips , he said , `` i 'll be there whenever you 're ready to join me . '' it 's just that i lived with a man , for four years i with a man who was capable of trying to blow up both of us , but i never saw that in him . i 'm a cop , for christ 's sake , and not once did i imagine he had that in him . '' `` sam - `` `` i know you 're going to say that has nothing to do with you and me , with us . '' my ex-husband tried to us . how do i just put that behind me like it never happened and move in with you ? there must be something wrong with me that i did n't see - `` again , he kissed the words right off her lips . he 's headed for prison , sam . there 's no sense in you going with him . '' `` i need some time to process it all . i need to be sure i 've put the pieces back where they belong before i take the next step with you . '' feeling madly vulnerable , she glanced up to find his hazel eyes hot with emotion and desire . she still had trouble believing that was all for her . `` i 'd wait forever for you . and in the meantime , i 'll be three doors up the street any time you want to make a late-night booty call . '' `` that 'll probably be most nights . '' `` so you just want me for my body . she slid her hands under his sweater and up to cup well-defined pectorals . `` what are you doing right now , senator ? '' his jaw tightened with tension as he removed her hands from under his sweater .	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`` you break the door down like some hero in a b movie , and she 's in there nakd , and nothing happened ? `` it 's the younger generation , kitty-cat , '' clyde said . `` they see it all the time on tv-bashing down doors , nakd women right out of the shower , you name it . they do n't get excited about things like we do . '' mitch was n't about to correct that impression . let all three of them think he 'd been totally cool when confronted with ally and a skimpy towel . `` and the second thing , '' betsy continued . `` i get up this morning to find a package of sliced caribou , a loaf of bread , cheese , and the blackberry pie missing . '' `` caribou , '' mitch muttered . `` so that 's what it was . '' `` that was n't just any caribou , either , '' clyde said . `` that was a town institution . see , we had this caribou in porcupine who had the habit of going around peering in people's- '' `` we ate the peeping caribou ? '' ally cried out , her expression horrified . `` eeuuww ! '' `` you have to admit he 's delicious , though , '' betsy said . ally clutched her stomach . `` if i 'd known , i never would have had any . the way you described him , i thought of him as a town character , with a personality . '' `` i thought so , too , '' clyde said . `` but some folks got sick of him putting his nose in everywhere , and finally ziggy berluski shot him . we divided him up . '' ally looked a little green , and mitch 's stomach did n't feel all that wonderful , either . from now on he was asking a lot of questions before he put anything in his mouth . `` we 're getting off the subject , '' betsy said . `` i want to know how it can be that two people insist they have no intention of doing the wild thing , but one has already seen the other pretty much nakd , and besides that , they obviously raided the refrigerator together , too . now that takes some cooperative effort . '' `` we liked each other better then , '' ally said . `` i do n't dislike you , ally . '' she turned to him , her gaze hard . `` no , but i 'm just one of your projects , one you want to run smoothly . '' i- '' `` enough ! '' betsy raised both hands . `` we 're going back downstairs , because i can smell the biscuits and they 're done . and i do n't want to hear any more arguments from you two during breakfast . it disturbs the digestion . '' she started out of the room and clyde followed . `` she knows what she 's talking about , '' clyde said over his shoulder , `` damn straight i do , '' betsy said as she clomped down the stairs . `` and after checking out that door , i know something else for sure . '' `` what 's that , kitty-cat ? '' `` i definitely need to lay in a good supply of condoms . '' * * after a breakfast that included bacon from a pig nobody had named or even knew very well , ally was ready to tackle the snow-shoveling . so was mitchell , after betsy informed him that he would freeze his privates if he went out there dressed like that . betsy had some outfits stored in the lodge 's attic , items of clothing her various husbands had left behind . consequently mitchell appeared for shoveling duty looking more studly than ally thought was possible . he wore ski pants that hugged his butt , making her aware of that part of his anatomy , which she had n't been until now . buns to brag about . the borrowed flannel shirt in muted browns and greens complemented his dark hair and brown eyes . and ally could really appreciate his eyes , because he 'd tucked his glasses in his shirt pocket after saying that he really did n't have to see that well to shovel snow . on top of mitchell 's new and improved outfit , he wore a tan parka with a hood instead of the orange monstrosity he 'd arrived in . ally wondered if betsy deliberately had chosen clothes for mitchell as a way to improve his look and his chances with ally . betsy seemed to have the matchmaker gene . but she had an uphill climb if she hoped to get mitchell and ally together . betsy could dress him up any way she wanted , but he would still be the overprotective anal guy who wanted ally to make his life easier by never doing anything risky . she did n't intend to make his life easier . while clyde took a shower in betsy 's bathroom , betsy addressed her two shoveling recruits in the kitchen .	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he immediately told palmer - almost by way of apology , it seemed to carella - that his grandfather 's libretto had been `` quite artful for its day , '' his exact words , but that the new millennium required something more immediately engaging , which was why he 'd chosen to place the show 's opening not on a farm in the east midlands , where the original had started , but instead in london , `` so that the heroine is n't a simple farm girl coming to america but is instead someone rather more sophisticated moving from one big city to another , do you see ? '' palmer told him that his grandfather had once written a straight play as well , `` a comedy , actually , '' he said , `` about soccer , '' which he thought might make a good musical , given the current american obsession with the sport . hull told him flatly that the only sports musical that had ever made it was damn yankees , and then excused himself to go refill his champagne glass . palmer told carella that for the past fifteen years he 'd been working in the `` post room , '' as he called it , of a publishing house called martins and grenville , `` the last publisher in bedford square , d'you know it ? a highly prestigious firm . '' he said he was thrilled they were doing his granddad 's show again . `` i hope it 'll come to london one day , '' he said . `` flew over on wednesday . '' `` the piccadilly . sounded a lot like home , '' he said , and grinned . he 'd shaved too close . there were razor nicks on his chin . `` when will you be going back ? '' `` not till next sunday . i 'm taking a little time here , enjoying the city . plenty of time for work later on , eh ? '' cynthia keating was wearing a simple black cocktail dress . her husband robert was another of the men wearing a suit . brown figured anyone not intimately connected with show business had dolled up for the occasion . he was beginning to feel somewhat like a horse 's ass . the suit keating had on was a severe pinstripe . he looked as if he might be trying a case for ibm . cynthia was telling rowland chapp , the show 's director , that the original play jessica miles had written was `` perfectly wonderful , '' something chapp accepted with a distracted nod that indicated he knew precisely how dreadful the play was . brown wanted to go home . champagne and canapes were coming around on trays , served by a pair of wannabe actors who were dressed in black and white tonight , earnestly playing witty waiter and flirtatious waitress . snow swirled past the penthouse windows , the flakes illuminated by corner floodlights that made them appear as sharp and as swift as tiny daggers . connie lindstrom tapped on her champagne glass . `` i have a treat , '' she said . there was applause , and then a hush as randy flynn went to the grand piano in one corner of the room , sat , and lifted the lid over the keys . behind him , snowflakes rushed the night . `` i 'm going to play the show for you , '' he said . `` including the three new songs i wrote . we 've kept the original conceit , the entire musical takes place in jenny 's room . the window in her room is a window on the city . we see the city , we see everything happening in the city through her eyes , from her point of view . '' he began playing . carella could not determine where any new songs had been added ; to him , the music flooding the air in connie lindstrom 's penthouse apartment sounded seamless . as flynn sang in his raspy smoker 's voice , carella floated back to another time and place , this city in the year 1928 , when everything seemed fresh and innocent to a young girl named jenny , fantasizing in her room all the way downtown , in an immigrant area then called - as it still was - the lower platform . but , oh , the differences between then and now . flynn sang of a young girl 's yearnings and awakenings in a wondrous island bordered by confluent rivers and spanned by magical bridges . he sang of golden towers rising into the clouds , interlaced with immaculate streets , humming belowground with subways not yet sullied by time or wear . he sang of promise and hope for a population of immigrants that had brought with them customs to treasure and to nourish . as he sang , his voice became a choir of voices , the voices of a hundred tribes with as many different backgrounds , joining together in this shining new land , to become at last a single strong united tribe . here beyond the windows in jenny 's room ... ah , what a wonderland there had been . flynn struck the last chord of the last dance . carella looked across the room to where his partner stood solid and big and black against the white flakes swirling outside . randy flynn rose from the piano bench , placed the palms of his hands together like a guru , and bowed in transparently false modesty , accepting applause from the assembled guests . brown 's eyes scanned the room . so did carella 's . almost anyone in this room could have killed andrew hale . there was no way the detectives who caught the murder down in hopscotch could have connected it with the murders uptown .	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charlie called to her as he came down the hall . `` guess i wo n't need the screwdrivers , after all . i found your cordless ... '' she spun around , putting her body between the door and the open box of condoms still sitting on the counter . drill . '' he paused in the doorway , a fistful of metal hinges in one hand and her cordless drill in the other . she did n't think he could see the condom box , but she probably looked both startled and guilty . she certainly felt startled and guilty . she glanced at the cordless drill . `` so you found the attachments ? too hearty . his gaze was difficult to interpret , but he was definitely cloaking his reaction . she decided he 'd either seen the box or he had a good idea what she 'd been doing over there by the cabinet . but he was going to act as if he had n't . it was n't the sort of thing you could broach in casual conversation . `` i found your cordless drill ! and i see you 're getting out some condoms ! good to know ! '' or maybe he was trying to think how to gracefully derail her obvious interest in hav*g sx with him . damn it , she 'd wanted to be more subtle than this , but she 'd blown it due to her tendency to get lost in her thoughts . denise had tried to assign a bunch of alphabet letters to that tendency , but eve had n't paid any attention because it sounded too much like a stock market symbol . denise loved to categorize things , but eve did n't fit neatly into any category , which drove denise crazy . nevertheless , eve 's meandering thought process had left her in the awkward position of being caught with her condom box open . she decided there was no getting around this embarrassing moment . better to plow right through it . `` you 're probably wondering what i 'm up to , '' she said . `` standing here by the cabinet where the condoms live . '' charlie started to laugh . pretty soon he had to lean against the doorframe because he was laughing so hard . she could n't help smiling herself , although she was n't sure what the joke was . this whole ridiculous situation . '' he laid the hinges and drill on the bathroom counter , took off his glasses , and swiped his arm across his eyes . then he put his glasses back on . `` you really want to , do n't you ? '' he cleared the laughter from his throat . `` but i do n't see how it 's a good idea , all things considered . '' `` we could pretend this is wartime . '' then his confusion faded and he started to grin . `` wait , i get it . i 've just enlisted and am being shipped out any day . in the meantime , we 're grabbing what happiness we can . is that the routine ? '' `` it works in the movies . '' that telltale warmth softened his gaze . i could gobble you up . '' `` me , too , '' he said gently . `` but before we make any decisions , i have to fix your door . '' he picked up the hinges and the drill . `` let 's go back there and get that done . '' she felt encouraged by his reaction so far . `` and bring your condoms . '' now she was really encouraged . chapter twelve charlie was toast and he knew it . after all his inner debate about the ethics of going to bed with eve , he 'd walked down the hall and discovered her digging out the condoms . he did n't know how a guy was supposed to resist that kind of enthusiasm . he could rationalize that she 'd had a bad scare and he needed to stay and comfort her . comfort could easily take the form of satisfying sex . on the surface that made perfect sense , but when faced with a hot woman supplied with condoms , all rationalization became unnecessary . he 'd be a fool to reject what she was offering . when he got to the damaged back door the wind had blown it partway open again . he closed it and laid the drill on the floor to hold it shut while he figured out exactly how he wanted to attach the hinges . she walked into the small hallway . even if he had n't heard her footsteps on the hardwood floor , he would have known she was there because the temperature went up several degrees . he resisted the urge to open the door again to cool himself off . he needed to get this door secured before he let himself think about what the two of them might do with those condoms . he picked up one of the hinges , placed it head high on the doorjamb , and used a small drill bit to scratch marks in the wood where the screws would go . `` the hinges are a good idea . '' there was a little quiver to her voice . he was egotistical enough to think it might be because of him . and damned if that did n't feel wonderful , in spite of his misgivings about the direction they were headed .	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she 's smiling at me , looking at me , at my mouth , as we kiss each other between rounds . once again they grab me and shoot me up , and i laugh as they shout , `` who 's the man ? who 's the man ? '' `` you bet your asses it 's me , motherfuckers ! '' dropping me down by the bar , they push an enormous glass of beer toward me , then yell and thump their fists on the bar top as they chant , `` rem-ing-ton ! `` cool down , guys , '' pete says as he approaches us . `` who the fk is this nerd ? '' one dipshit says , but i grab the dude and slam him up against the wall , scowling . `` he 's my bro , you toad . show some fking respect , '' i snarl . `` calm down , dude , i was only asking ! '' forcing my fingers to let go , i drop him to the ground and go back to the tequila , starting to get annoyed . brooke waits for me , and these fking people keep stopping me . by the time i head back around to where i left her , she 's gone . my stomach sinks as i scan the crowd and no dark-haired goddess is waiting for me to devour her mouth again . glowering , i stalk to where pete stands . `` where the fk is brooke ? '' puzzlement crosses his face . shoving the shots into his hands , i stalk down the hall and start pushing doors open . a couple is fking on the bed of the spare bedroom . the master bedroom is empty . she 's not among the crowd . i check by the elevators and then angrily push back through the entire crowd , and brooke . a mix of pure anger shoots through me and i grab a pillow from one of the couches and tear it open . cotton balls explode from the tear , and i do the same with the next , and the next . because of course she 's fking gone ! fucking gone fking gone fking gone gone gone gone gone gone gone ! soon people are screaming in panic as i grab whatever object is near me and send it crashing to the ground . `` rem ! rem ! '' pete 's voice pleads through the screams , but i do n't listen . i want to kill something . i want to break something . i want to break my own fking head against the wall ! i grab pete by the jacket and he wiggles out of his sleeves to escape me , then he pulls off his tie and tosses it aside as if he thinks i 'll choke him next . he slowly reapproaches me , hunching like he 's approaching a rabid animal , and i hear him speaking things , but i do n't hear anything except the roaring in my ears and my own yells . `` what the fk did you tell her about me ? where the shitfuck is she ? '' i grab the closest glass bottle i can find and send it crashing into the wall . riley is busy ushering people out of the open suite doors when a familiar voice joins from the direction of the hall . there she is , cheeks flushed and looking concerned . heat and relief flash through my body and i realize i have something in my hands . i toss it behind me and hear a shattering sound , then clench my fingers as i start for her . holy god , my brooke . i need my hands on her , i need my body in hers , my tongue on hers . pete grabs my arm and pulls me back with wild , pained eyes . `` see , dude ? she signed a contract , remember ? you do n't need to destroy the hotel , man . '' my knees feel weak from the sheer insane relief i feel . my brooke my brooke my brooke is here . as i charge for her , pete sticks me in the neck and i feel a prick and a burn of liquid pushed into my skin . the roiling energy inside me halts and dies , my feet slow , and my vision fogs and tunnels on her . my brain sputters one last stream of panic that she , brooke dumas , who looks at me like i 'm a god , is watching this . my head hangs and it 's all black . black like me . and now she will know . and she . the despair hits me so hard , i want to die right here , right now . i try to lift myself but ca n't , and pete , with his diminutive power , is struggling to prop me up against the nearest wall . the frustration i feel , and the pain that comes when all my hopes shatter over brooke and me , is indescribable . if this whole building sat on top of me it would n't even compare . pete maneuvers one of my arms around him , and riley comes to drape my other arm around the back of his neck .	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you need to trust me not only to submit myself totally , but to love you equally . you have to believe that i will come to you openly and never choose one over the other . and i assure you , i wo n't , not ever again . do i have any of that wrong , sirs ? '' they looked at one another in a seeming silent moment of communication . hammer nodded at her . now the conversation got more difficult . if this did n't work , she could never try to love just one of them while cutting the other out . she 'd have to walk away from them both . raine understood the huge gamble she was undertaking ... but did n't see another way . if this plan did n't work , they would never last . `` before i get into that , i need your promise that communication and honesty also run not just from me to you , but from you to me . if i have questions , you 'll give me answers . '' then liam nodded . `` later , i 'll want answers about some of the things i overheard tonight . if you 're not prepared to give me those answers , then i 'll know you 're not ready for this level of trust and beck will take me down the mountain . '' `` because we 'd have nothing . you both made it very clear how important communication , honesty , and trust are . it 's so clear that i get it now . we have nothing real without them . hammer scrubbed a hand down his face . liam shifted in his seat . neither looked very comfortable with her request . beck and seth did n't move a muscle . the sense of anticipation turned thick in the air . `` all right , '' hammer said finally . `` i 'll answer your questions in the best way i can . '' liam nodded her way . i 'm trusting you to keep your end of the bargain . '' `` but why later , love ? '' `` because i want to do it after our show of trust . if we get through that , the answers will mean more . if not ... then none of it will matter . `` whatever you need to feel comfortable , '' hammer promised . `` we want you happy . '' they were willing to give back to her , and that fact alone made raine 's heart soften . she wanted to fling herself in their arms , but now she had to say the most difficult words of all . she stood , pacing around her chair . to her right , liam and hammer both edged toward the front of the sofa . tension gripped the room . `` go on , love , '' liam prompted . they would either agree or not , and stalling would n't change that . raine sucked in a bracing breath . `` i need you both . i want to give myself completely to you with a fully open heart . i know what i 'm asking wo n't be easy for either of you , and you can say no . but i 'd love the fantasy just this once . if you want that , too , come find me . after raine mounted the stairs and disappeared into the master suite , the door shut . seth grabbed her suitcase and ran it upstairs . a moment later , he heard the water running through the pipes to her bathtub . liam let out a breath he had n't realized he 'd been holding and turned to look at hammer . i think her balls are bigger than ours put together . i 'm not sure either of us would ever have been able to handle her on our own . '' `` amazing woman , is n't she ? others pale in comparison . i 've got to admit , raine is the only one i 'd ever let hand me my balls on a platter . '' `` you two are so psy-whipped , it 's fking hysterical . '' beck snickered . seth jogged down the stairs with a sly grin at liam . `` i remember asking if she 'd put a spell on you with her voodoo p**sy . at least you did n't lie about the fact that she has . '' that made beck laugh even harder . hammer joined in , too . liam tried to keep a straight face , but he could n't hold back a smile . he elbowed macen . `` hey , i 'm not the only one . '' `` absolutely not , '' hammer admitted , glancing up the stairs toward the master suite . `` i ca n't wait for her to put another spell on me . '' `` this is like hearing about my little sister getting down and dirty . let 's raid the kitchen . '' as the other two doms left , noisily emptying the contents of the refrigerator , he and hammer stared into the fire . neither man spoke for a few minutes , each sipping their drinks , wrapped in their own thoughts . `` if she thinks it 's only for one night , '' liam groused , `` she 's out of her pretty little head . ''	[["need", 8], ["needest", 8], ["trust", 17], ["submit", 39], ["totally", 54], ["love", 68], ["equally", 80], ["believe", 102], ["come", 119], ["openly", 133], ["never", 143], ["choose", 150], ["assure", 184], ["wo", 195], ["ever", 210], ["everest", 210], ["wrong", 246], ["sir", 253], ["sirs", 253], ["look", 270], ["looked", 270], ["another", 285], ["seeming", 298], ["silent", 305], ["moment", 312], ["communication", 329], ["hammer", 338], ["nod", 345], ["nodded", 345], ["conversation", 375], ["get", 379], ["got", 379], ["difficult", 394], ["work", 417], ["wrought", 417], ["try", 439], ["tryed", 439], ["cut", 478], ["cutting", 478], ["walk", 514], ["away", 519], ["raine", 542], ["understand", 553], ["understanded", 553], ["understood", 553], ["huge", 562], ["gamble", 569], ["gambling", 569], ["undertook", 589], ["undertake", 589], ["undertaked", 589], ["undertaken", 589], ["undertakes", 589], ["undertaking", 589], ["see", 609], ["way", 621], ["ways", 621], ["plan", 636], ["last", 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["sofa", 2246], ["tension", 2256], ["grip", 2264], ["room", 2273], ["roomed", 2273], ["go", 2281], ["goest", 2281], ["prompt", 2310], ["prompting", 2310], ["prompted", 2310], ["either", 2330], ["agree", 2336], ["change", 2375], ["suck", 2395], ["sucking", 2395], ["sucked", 2395], ["bracing", 2408], ["breath", 2415], ["breathest", 2415], ["completely", 2471], ["fully", 2491], ["open", 2496], ["easy", 2543], ["fantasy", 2610], ["find", 2662], ["mount", 2687], ["mounted", 2687], ["mountest", 2687], ["stair", 2698], ["stairs", 2698], ["disappear", 2714], ["disappeared", 2714], ["master", 2730], ["suite", 2736], ["door", 2747], ["shut", 2752], ["grab", 2767], ["grabbed", 2767], ["suitcase", 2780], ["run", 2788], ["ran", 2788], ["upstairs", 2800], ["hear", 2828], ["hears", 2828], ["heard", 2828], ["water", 2838], ["run", 2846], ["running", 2846], ["pipe", 2864], ["piped", 2864], ["piping", 2864], ["pipes", 2864], ["bathtub", 2879], ["bathtubs", 2879], ["let", 2890], ["lets", 2890], 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["sipping", 4135], ["drank", 4148], ["drink", 4148], ["drinking", 4148], ["drinks", 4148], ["wrap", 4158], ["wraps", 4158], ["wrapping", 4158], ["wrapped", 4158], ["thought", 4180], ["thoughts", 4180], ["think", 4199], ["thinkest", 4199], ["thinks", 4199], ["night", 4224], ["grouse", 4242], ["groused", 4242], ["pretty", 4272], ["prettiest", 4272], ["head", 4284]]
he 's probably got an entire stream of girls lined up for the night who are more than qualified to handle whatever he 's willing to dish out - and because of my incessant need to preserve my virginity , i wo n't be one of them . `` there 's a cold shower with my name on it , '' he says , walking away . i watch as cruise disappears into the hall and the pipes squeal to life from the bathroom . i ca n't believe a player like cruise elton would n't try to take advantage of me . it 's obvious virgins are n't high on his to-do list tonight . maybe cruise elton is n't the player he makes himself out to be . deep down inside i hope he 's not . cruise in the morning , i wake with a start from a disturbing dream where i 'm drowning in a sea of long , soft limbs . i 'm not sure what i find so disturbing about it since it 's otherwise classified as a typical friday night . i wipe the sleep from my eyes and throw myself in the shower . after , i make an effort to put on a pair of jeans that have actually seen the inside of a washing machine this month . kenny 's door is shut , so i can only assume she 's still here . i imagine her sprawled over the bed , naked , with her hair fanned around her like long black feathers . i 'd love to see that in person . if she was n't so damn sweet , i would have pressed a little harder to witness the sight firsthand . i make breakfast for the two of us while a sea of dark clouds watch silent outside the kitchen window . they lay over the sky , heavy and full , like wool blankets ready to burst . kenny ambles into the room with her hair swept back in a ponytail . her long t-shirt is tight over her chest , annunciating the fact she 's not wearing a bra . not that i mind her beautiful round nipples staring me in the face . the air sizzles - the room sparks to life with her in it . kenny manages to brighten the house with a glow all her own . i give a crooked smile while jabbing at a mountain of bacon . i land enough on each plate to clog both our arteries , decades before it 's time . she moans into the word . her mascara is slightly smeared . she 's sleepy-eyed and sexy as hell . i land two fully loaded plates onto the table and dart back for coffee . `` i guess the more important question is did you dream about me ? '' she takes a seat and looks up with those diamond-cut eyes causing my mind to draw a fucking blank . everything about kenny feels like a dream , especially the part about not sleeping with me last night , which is mostly my fault . i 've yet to corrupt a virgin , and i 'm pretty sure i 'm not starting with kenny . her eyes drift to a pair of leashes by the backdoor , and my blood turns to ice because i know what 's coming . `` so , where are the dogs ? '' she says it playful , far too innocent to be faking . i thought for sure the vulgar nature of the leashes , the thick metal spikes , the red leather tassels dripping from the collar would set off the fact they were exclusively for human purposes - or inhuman , take your pick . `` are they outside ? '' she peers out the window still fixing her innocence on the prospect of a furry companion . `` there are no dogs , kenny . '' i lift my chin to her slightly amused , and my stomach drops at how gorgeous she is in this slightly disheveled state of early morning glory . `` those leashes are n't for walking , young lady . '' i swallow down a laugh . `` looks like you run a pretty sophisticated playboy-for-hire ring . '' her eyes widen and that dimple goes off , melting my insides in a way i 've never felt before . `` is that my first lesson ? '' she breathes it out like a proposition . `` leather and lace ? '' a smile digs into the side of my cheek . `` you 're not ready for that , sweetie . '' a heated moment passes between us as i raise my mug . `` that 's today ! '' `` i forgot all about the fact it 's christmas eve . her smile slowly diminishes as she runs her fork through her eggs . `` it 's weird though . i 've never been away from my mom , or my brother , morgan . he 's out in oregon on a baseball scholarship . '' `` i have a sister you can adopt for the holiday if you feel the need to rain down gifts on someone . '' molly is a certified head-case , but i leave that part out . kenny could slather me with gifts of the physical variety if she felt so moved , but i 'm slow to bring up that prospect . `` i would love to rain down gifts on your sister , that is if i had the money . '' `` my neighbor is a stewardess and i was on standby for a cheap flight .	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1102], ["still", 1115], ["imagine", 1132], ["sprawl", 1145], ["sprawls", 1145], ["sprawled", 1145], ["bed", 1158], ["naked", 1166], ["hair", 1182], ["fan", 1189], ["fanned", 1189], ["around", 1196], ["black", 1216], ["feather", 1225], ["feathers", 1225], ["love", 1237], ["see", 1244], ["person", 1259], ["damn", 1284], ["damned", 1284], ["sweet", 1290], ["press", 1313], ["pressed", 1313], ["little", 1322], ["hard", 1329], ["witness", 1340], ["sight", 1350], ["sighted", 1350], ["firsthand", 1360], ["breakfast", 1379], ["two", 1391], ["twos", 1391], ["dark", 1417], ["cloud", 1424], ["clouded", 1424], ["clouds", 1424], ["silent", 1437], ["outside", 1445], ["kitchen", 1457], ["kitchens", 1457], ["window", 1464], ["windows", 1464], ["lay", 1475], ["lie", 1475], ["lain", 1475], ["sky", 1488], ["heavy", 1496], ["heavies", 1496], ["heavier", 1496], ["full", 1505], ["wool", 1517], ["wools", 1517], ["blanket", 1526], ["blankets", 1526], ["ready", 1532], ["burst", 1541], ["bursted", 1541], ["amble", 1556], ["room", 1570], ["roomed", 1570], ["sweep", 1590], ["swept", 1590], ["back", 1595], ["ponytail", 1609], ["shirt", 1628], ["tight", 1637], ["chest", 1652], ["annunciate", 1667], ["annunciates", 1667], ["annunciating", 1667], ["fact", 1676], ["wear", 1695], ["wearing", 1695], ["bra", 1701], ["bras", 1701], ["mind", 1719], ["minding", 1719], ["beautiful", 1733], ["beautifulest", 1733], ["round", 1739], ["nipple", 1747], ["nipples", 1747], ["stare", 1755], ["stared", 1755], ["staring", 1755], ["face", 1770], ["air", 1780], ["airs", 1780], ["airing", 1780], ["sizzle", 1788], ["sizzles", 1788], ["spark", 1806], ["sparking", 1806], ["sparks", 1806], ["manage", 1845], ["manages", 1845], ["brighten", 1857], ["brightens", 1857], ["house", 1867], ["glow", 1879], ["glowest", 1879], ["give", 1900], ["smile", 1916], ["jab", 1930], ["jabs", 1930], ["jabbing", 1930], ["mountain", 1944], ["bacon", 1953], ["land", 1962], ["enough", 1969], ["plate", 1983], ["plating", 1983], ["clog", 1991], ["clogs", 1991], ["artery", 2009], ["arteries", 2009], ["decade", 2019], ["decades", 2019], ["time", 2037], ["moan", 2049], ["moans", 2049], ["moanest", 2049], ["word", 2063], ["mascara", 2077], ["slightly", 2089], ["smear", 2097], ["smearing", 2097], ["smeared", 2097], ["sleepy", 2113], ["sexy", 2127], ["hell", 2135], ["hells", 2135], ["fully", 2154], ["load", 2161], ["loaded", 2161], ["plate", 2168], ["plating", 2168], ["plates", 2168], ["onto", 2173], ["ontos", 2173], ["table", 2183], ["tabled", 2183], ["tabling", 2183], ["dart", 2192], ["darted", 2192], ["coffee", 2208], ["guess", 2221], ["important", 2240], ["question", 2249], ["take", 2290], ["takes", 2290], ["seat", 2297], ["look", 2307], ["looks", 2307], ["diamond", 2329], ["cut", 2333], ["cause", 2346], ["causing", 2346], ["draw", 2362], ["draws", 2362], ["drawn", 2362], ["fucking", 2372], ["blank", 2378], ["blanks", 2378], ["everything", 2391], ["feel", 2409], ["feels", 2409], ["especially", 2435], ["part", 2444], 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["dripping", 2905], ["collar", 2921], ["collared", 2921], ["set", 2931], ["exclusively", 2966], ["human", 2976], ["purpose", 2985], ["purposes", 2985], ["inhuman", 2998], ["pick", 3015], ["peer", 3052], ["peers", 3052], ["fix", 3080], ["fixes", 3080], ["fixing", 3080], ["innocence", 3094], ["prospect", 3110], ["furry", 3121], ["furrier", 3121], ["companion", 3131], ["lift", 3174], ["chin", 3182], ["amuse", 3205], ["amused", 3205], ["stomach", 3222], ["stomachs", 3222], ["stomaching", 3222], ["drop", 3228], ["drops", 3228], ["gorgeous", 3244], ["dishevel", 3279], ["disheveled", 3279], ["state", 3285], ["early", 3294], ["glory", 3308], ["gloried", 3308], ["young", 3355], ["youngest", 3355], ["lady", 3360], ["swallow", 3375], ["swallows", 3375], ["laugh", 3388], ["run", 3412], ["sophisticated", 3435], ["playboy", 3443], ["hire", 3452], ["rung", 3457], ["rang", 3457], ["ring", 3457], ["widen", 3477], ["dimple", 3493], ["go", 3498], ["goest", 3498], ["goes", 3498], ["melt", 3512], 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4124], ["holidays", 4124], ["holidayed", 4124], ["feel", 4136], ["rain", 4153], ["gift", 4164], ["gifts", 4164], ["molly", 4186], ["head", 4206], ["left", 4225], ["leave", 4225], ["slather", 4261], ["physical", 4291], ["variety", 4299], ["slow", 4336], ["bring", 4345], ["money", 4443], ["moneys", 4443], ["neighbor", 4463], ["stewardess", 4479], ["stewardesses", 4479], ["standby", 4500], ["standbys", 4500], ["cheap", 4512], ["flight", 4519]]
she hesitated a few moments and then nodded , accepting my apology . as the fear faded from her face , i could see that something else was bothering her . as long as we were alive and sonya was still trapped , things could n't be that bad , right ? i sprang up from the bed , relieved that i did n't fall over . my head still hurt , but i no longer felt dizzy , which hopefully meant i really had evaded a concussion . glancing at an alarm clock as i left sonya 's bedroom , i saw that i 'd been in lissa 's head for a few hours . her test had been far more extensive than i 'd realized . in the living room , i found an almost comical sight . victor and robert stood there , in the flesh , taking in the surrounding details . even robert seemed to be with us mentally this time . only , whereas victor was studying everything in his calculating way , robert 's attention was fixed on sonya . his eyes bugged out in astonishment . dimitri , meanwhile , had n't altered his position near sonya or put away the stake at her throat . it was clear from his stance and watchful gaze , however , that he regarded the brothers as a new threat and was trying -- impossibly -- to stay on guard against everything . he seemed relieved to see me and have some backup . sonya had gone perfectly still within her chains , which i did n't like at all . it made me think she was planning something . her red eyes narrowed . the whole situation was tense and dangerous , but a tiny part of me felt smug satisfaction as i studied victor more closely . the dream meetings had been deceptive . just as i could shift my appearance in dreams , victor had made himself look stronger and healthier in those visits than he actually was in real life . age , disease , and life on the run were taking their toll . dark shadows lined his eyes , and his graying hair seemed thinner than it had a month ago . he looked haggard and tired , but i knew he was still dangerous . `` so , ' i said , hands on hips . `` you managed to find us . ' `` there 's one lake in this town , ' said victor . `` one blue house . maybe you had trouble with those directions , but for the rest of us , it was n't that difficult . ' `` well , if you 're so smart , what 's your plan now ? ' i was trying to stall as i frantically thought about what my plan was . i 'd wanted to capture victor and robert but did n't know how . since we had to split our attention between them and sonya , dimitri and i could n't team up . i wished we had leftover chain . aside from physically subduing the brothers , we would also specifically need to restrain their hands to reduce their ability to use magic . `` since you 're so smart , ' countered victor , `` i assumed you 'd have already obtained the needed information . ' i gestured toward sonya . `` she 's not exactly forthcoming . ' victor 's eyes fell on her . `` sonya karp . you 've changed since i last saw you . ' `` i 'm going to kill you all , ' sonya snarled . `` and consume you one by one . normally , i 'd start with the human and work up to the moroi , but ... ' she glanced at dimitri and me , her face full of rage . `` i think i 'll save you two for last and drag out your suffering . ' she paused and almost comically added , `` you 've annoyed me the most . ' `` do all strigoi go through some boot camp and learn all the same threats ? it 's a wonder you do n't cackle too . ' i turned back to victor . beating it out , torturing it out . sydney went through the names of all her relatives . no reaction . ' victor studied sydney in detail for the first time . your pet alchemist . ' sydney did n't move . i knew she had to be scared of facing someone who was both a vampire and a dangerous criminal . i had to give her points for meeting his stare unflinchingly . `` young , ' victor mused . `` but of course she would be . i imagine it 's the only way you could manipulate her into this little escapade . ' `` i 'm here by choice , ' replied sydney . her expression stayed calm and confident . `` no one manipulated me . ' abe 's blackmail was n't really relevant at the moment . `` look , if you wanted to keep torturing me with your not-funny comments , you could have just kept invading my dreams , ' i snapped .	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`` i know , '' julia said , but damien could hear the edge of fright in her voice . two jewels , stolen away . he kissed her hard , trying to make them both forget their fears . dejara should n't have said anything to scare her . he had n't thought the old woman would be so superstitious , but there it was . he only hoped that she would keep her mouth shut in front of the rest of the pack . `` it 's alright , '' damien said again , but he could not forget the scent that had caught him by surprise in the forest . the smell of rot . chapter five julia the next morning , julia clutched the edge of the bathroom counter , her heart pounding , waiting to see if she would continue retching or not . her body did n't seem to care that her stomach was empty . the doorknob rattled but the door remained shut . even in her haste to get to the toilet , she 'd made sure to lock it . she did n't want damien to be anywhere near her when she was throwing up . it would repulse him . besides , there was nothing he could do . damien asked from the other side of the door . julia gagged again , then caught her breath . `` it 's just morning sickness , nothing to worry about . he must have sensed that she genuinely did n't want his assistance because he left . or maybe he left because he was repulsed . she supposed she had better get used to repulsing him . soon enough she would be a blimp . of course he would n't be able to see how big she got , but he 'd be able to feel it , which might be even worse . and what about after she was pregnant ? would she be able to get all the weight off ? her body had n't been great before she was pregnant and sometimes she could n't help thinking that if damien were n't blind , he would n't be with her . they had been called together . the fabrics of their lives were completely , beautifully , irrevocably intertwined . but that was the emotional , spiritual bond . how did the physical bond fit in ? right now it was an important part of their relationship ; in a way it seemed blasphemous to acknowledge that-it made their relationship seem superficial , insulted the depth of their love-but it was true . and it was beautiful in its own way : they were animals as well as higher beings , and they craved each other 's bodies as well as each other 's hearts . would that breathless , burning wanting remain ? if damien 's physical attraction to her faded ... would the calling fade ? she could feel his strong hands grabbing at her , hear the soft growl in the back of his throat as he closed his mouth on her earlobe . it was a primal desire that was impossible to fake , and the thought of it withering away gave her a panicky feeling in her chest . her body was done with its purge . she flushed the toilet , washed her face , and brushed her teeth thoroughly . by the time she spit out the toothpaste , nausea was already swirling in her belly again . frustration overwhelmed her . her first literature class was today , which she was very excited about , but she did n't want to go if she had to worry about scrambling up the aisle to find a trashcan . of course , with how much college kids drank , that probably was n't all that uncommon . but it would still be mortifying , especially on the first day of class . feeling like a fat , vomitous , uneducated disaster , she trudged back to the bedroom , hoping damien was n't there to see her in this state . but he was there ... and the bed was littered with a bizarre assortment of items : lemons , over-the-counter pill bottles , jars of cooking spices , some kind of skinny blue wristbands , a box of fruit popsicles , a box of saltines , bags of potato chips , bottles of ginger ale . `` i asked jordan and dee what helps with morning sickness , '' damien said . `` they said there 's a bunch of things but what works is different for every woman . so i , ah , i got them all . '' tears sprang to julia 's eyes . the burst of love she felt was too intense to express with words . she clutched the front of damien 's shirt and hugged him hard , almost attacking him . `` try the lemon , '' he said , laughing as he pulled away . `` it 's supposed to be soothing . '' julia sliced one open , put it to her nose , and inhaled deeply . `` smells nice , '' she said . `` there 's a glass of water on the side table there , '' damien said . `` you 're supposed to drink lemon in it . '' julia squeezed a few drops of lemon juice into the glass of water and drank it , grimacing at the tart taste . immediately , though , her stomach ceased its gurgling .	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not when i know they will never understand how i feel . andrs calls as he bangs louder . youre going to wake my neighbors . grace hisses behind him . i slide the chain over the top lock and crack open the door . andrs looks like shit . his hair is a mess and theres a wild look in his eyes . his voice is a plea . i dont know why i was expecting him to yell at me , but he doesnt . he presses against the door , and i can hear the emotion in his voice . please let me in , mija . andrs , i groan . i try to shut the door , but he blocks it with his hand . i know about your fight with your mom . his eyes are wide and misty , and i feel like shit for what im putting him through . she says its my fault . she says im ruining your future . cant she let me have one good thing in my life ? this is her way of punishing me for moving out . but my mother takes vengeance to a whole new level of twisted . she isnt just trying to wound me . shes trying to crush me . shes lying , i say in the firmest tone i can manage . this isnt about you , andrs . then whos it about ? i shake my head as i choke on a sob . he pulls away and drops his arm . i dont want to be the reason youre fighting with her . please , andrs , i beg , i just need to be alone for a while . when he turns and leaves without another word , i feel like im falling into an abyss , where everything good in my life is being pulled away from me . i close the door and lean my forehead against the wood , as silent tears fall to the tile beneath my bare feet . i have no idea how long i stand there , before i trudge back to bed and fall into a restless sleep . chapter twenty-one andrs it starts the same way , just like every other nightmare ive had . im navigating the hummer down the windy incline . james is sitting beside me . two fresh-faced soldiers , brand new to the unit , and to the army , are in the back . i swerve when i see the pothole , and the force of the blast knocks the vehicle on its side . it skids down the incline for several yards , and when it finally comes to a halt , james , or what is left of james , is lying on top of me . i cant do anything , im so numbed from shock . the blast knocks out my hearing , and i drift in and out of consciousness several times . i have no idea how long i lay there with my best friends body on top of me . of one thing i am certain : after the dust from the blast has settled , i hear not a sound from the other guys in the truck . but i scent their blood in the air . while i lay there in agony , waiting for help to arrive , i think i hear my friends lifeless corpses crying out to me , demanding to know why i dodged that pothole , when i should have known it was a trap . but then the dream changes , and as i look at my friend lying on top on me , my heart stills . james is gone , and in his place is a woman . we are no longer in the hummer but in my bed . long , auburn hair fans my body as she sobs against my chest . why are you crying , mija ? but she doesnt look up as she continues to cry harder . finally , she speaks through a muffled sob . my life is ruined because of you . i try to soothe her by stroking her hair , but then the dream shifts again and james is back on top of me . i squirm beneath the weight of my friend , despite the agonizing pain that shoots up my leg when i move . crying out , i choke on stale blood and dust . when i finally awake in a pool of sweat , chest heaving as i gasp for breath , i know without a doubt what that dream is trying to tell me . im no good for christina . * * * i have no idea what time it is when i roll out of bed . i know it must be late . im going to lose my new job and have no way to pay my bills . it takes me a while to find my phone beneath the heaps of clothes scattered all over the floor . when i power it on , i see its already nine am and ive got three missed voicemails . i listen to them in order from newest to oldest . the first one is from andrs , left an hour ago . hey , i called in sick for you . i figured you could use the day off . ill stop by to check on you after work . his tone is even . i can hear the cracks in his voice , and it breaks my heart . still , i breathe easier knowing he called in for me .	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i think i was surprised that i asked , but i did n't regret it . '' you have to remember that i have n't asked anyone out in over three years . when you said that you had never gone sailing before-i think it just sort of hit me that i was tired of always being alone . '' `` you mean i was in the right place at the right time ? '' i wanted to take you out with me-i do n't think i would have offered if it had been someone else . besides , this whole thing has turned out much better than i thought it would . these last couple of days have been the best days i 've had in a long time . '' she felt warm inside at what he 'd said . as they walked , she felt him slowly moving his thumb , tracing small circles on her skin . `` did you think your vacation would be anything like this ? '' she hesitated , deciding it was n't the right time to tell him the truth . they walked together quietly . there were a few others on the beach , though they were far enough away that theresa could n't make out anything but shadows . `` do you think you 'll ever come back here again ? i mean for another vacation ? '' `` because i was kind of hoping you would . '' in the distance , she could see lights along a faraway pier . again she felt his hand moving against hers . `` would you make dinner for me again if i did ? '' `` i 'd cook you anything you want . as long as it 's a steak . '' `` then i 'll consider it . `` how about if i threw in a few scuba lessons as well ? '' `` i think kevin would enjoy that more than me . '' `` then bring him along . '' `` i bet you 'd like him . '' they walked along in silence , until theresa blurted out , `` garrett-can i ask you something ? '' `` i know this is going to sound strange , but ... '' she paused for a moment , and he looked at her quizzically . i always ask people that question . it lets me know what people are really all about . '' `` the worst thing ? '' `` the absolute worst . '' `` i guess i would say that the worst thing i 've ever done is when a bunch of my friends and i went out one night in december-we were drinking and raising hell when we ended up driving by a street that was totally decorated in christmas lights . well , we parked and right there and then proceeded to unscrew and steal every light bulb we could . '' there were five of us , and we filled the back of the truck with stolen christmas lights . and we left the strands-that was the worst part . it looked like the grinch had come wandering down the street . we were out there for almost two hours , laughing uproariously about what we were doing . the street had been featured in the newspaper as one of the most decorated streets in the city , and when we were done ... i ca n't imagine what those people thought . they must have been furious . '' thinking back , i know it was terrible . but at the time , it was hilarious . '' `` and here i was , thinking you 're such a nice guy ... ... '' `` i am a nice guy . '' `` you were the grinch . '' she pressed on , curious . `` so what else did you and your friends do ? '' he began to regale her then with tales of other teenage misadventures-from soaping car windows to tepeeing the houses of former girlfriends . once , he claimed , he saw one of his friends driving alongside him while he was on a date . after his friend motioned for him to roll down the window , he did-and his friend promptly launched a bottle rocket into his car that exploded at his feet . twenty minutes later he was still telling stories , much to her amusement . when he finally finished , he asked her the same question that had originally started the conversation . `` oh , i 've never done anything like you , '' she said almost coyly . he laughed again then , feeling as if he 'd been manipulated-not that he minded-and knowing full well that she was n't telling the truth . * * * they walked the full length of the beach , exchanging additional stories from childhood . theresa tried to imagine him as a young man while he spoke , wondering what she would have thought about him had she met him while she was in college . would she have found him as compelling as she did now , or would she have fallen for david again ? she wanted to believe that she would have appreciated the differences between them , but would she ? david had seemed so perfect back then . they stopped for a moment and looked out over the water . he stood close to her , their shoulders barely touching . `` i was just thinking how nice the silence is with you . '' `` and i was just thinking that i 've told you a lot of things i do n't tell anyone . 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joan strode over to stand next to jenny , and peered out the doorway and across the street where she saw frankys unconscious body on the roof of a crumpled car . glad i didnt park across the street . but a second later , joan smacked a hand to her head and groaned . that stupid demon ! hell be discovered if he keeps up crap like this ! jenny screeched and ran out into the street . alan asked as he approached joan . joan quickly shut the door , put her back to it in order to block alan , and began to laugh nervously . n-nothing , boss . franky is so pathetic he just fainted . alan furrowed his brow at joan . well , it looks like dullahans is down to one waitress and one bartender again . ill have to put up the help wanted sign again . hey , dont worry about it , boss ! joan whacked alans back nearly causing him to fall over . you still have all of us ! joan waved her hand at dante and ivan . joans right . ivan said smoothly as he approached alan and ruffled alans hair . you have us , kid . a slimy smiled curled his lips . phewlooks like i wasnt caught yet . but this is probably my last night here . the german chef looked at joan out of the corner of his eyes . if im going to be leaving this placei want to get a taste of her first . an evil plan began to form in ivans mind . to be continuedin drink 6 : adios mamas boy dantalion : greetings lowly human , so you wish to know how to make a leprechauns lunch ? pour 1 ounce of baileys irish cream , 1 ounce of crme de menthe , and 1 ounce of crme de cacao over two ice cubes in a small highball glass , fill it with milk and stir . dont forget to drink responsibly , human . you dont want to get a duiwhatever that is . but many humans fear this and talk about it a lot when theyre out drinking . so beware . dont forget that the legal drinking age is 21 and please drink responsibly . chapter 6 : adios mamas boy the rest of the day at dullahans irish pub was pretty uneventful . they only had a few customers - a couple of men , who went there during their lunch break , and then a group of young women , who came later in the evening to have their drinks made by the handsome dante . apparently , word was spreading about the wickedly skilled and good-looking bartender through new york city like wildfire . lately joan was pretty impressed with dante and how hed helped alan see franky and jennys true colors . she was also very surprised dante had settled things nonviolently . she recalled a time more than five hundred years ago , when the renowned commander of thirty-six demonic legions , dantalion , would unflinchingly cut peoples heads off . the demon had changed or he just appeared that way . joan still didnt trust him . dante was still her greatest enemy - a demon she would sooner or later have to kill . joan watched as the door to dullahans opened and a group of pretty , young women , who were all bundled up because of the cold , arrived . in seconds , their coats , expensive leather jackets , scarves and gloves came off to reveal their scantily clad forms . joan gawked at what they were wearing - tight , low-cut , animal-print , sequined shirts and tank tops along with short leather skirts and short shorts . the girls were also adorned with a lot of flashy jewelry . the group of young women made their way to the bar and slid onto the barstools that had dark green leather cushions on them . they batted their eyelashes at dante and leaned over the bar as they ordered their drinks , giving him a good view down their shirts . they were obviously flirting with dante and trying to get his attention . but the demon was acting almost stoic . he took the girls orders and prepared their drinks in a flashy , skillful manner that had them oohing and ahhing , but he completely ignored their flirtatious advances . joan couldnt stop the smile that curled her lips at the realization that dante didnt see those women as well women . apparently , even a demon duke had his standards . besides , those girls were just lowly humans . joan also got caught up with watching dante prepare the girls drinks . his skilled movements as he juggled the bottle of half-empty white rum and the tin were hypnotic . he was so graceful as he passed the bottle behind his back and caught it inside of his the shaker tin . the girls clapped in response . again , joan wondered where dante had learned those flair bartending techniques . suddenly , joan was remembering a time when shed fought against dante and their swords had clashed together in a deadly dance . dantes movements had been elegant then too - swift , deadly .	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`` no , '' she panted , so close now that sweat burst across her brow , between her brsts . `` no , '' she repeated , looking between the two men . `` yes , '' deke insisted . she focused on him as he leaned closer . `` do it , '' he commanded luc . with a slow nod , the dark-haired hedonist reached for her legs , caressing his way up , up . they were n't going to make her come again . no matter how badly her body ached and needed , arched and yearned and turned to fire . luc answered her question when he curled his palms under her knees and lifted her legs , spreading them high and wide until her legs were folded against her body , resting above either hip . leaving her wide open . she breathed harder at the thought . `` hold yourself here , '' luc said , bringing her hands under her knees . they both stared at her exposed sex , eyes hot , determined . no doubt , they were up to something . wondering what that something was tied her stomach into knots of apprehension and need . `` luc ... '' `` do n't beg him for mercy . he does n't have any . you wanted to learn about menage , kitten . you want your virginity intact . that means we 're going to invade that delectable ass . '' anal penetration . she could see that fact in their eyes as their stares tumbled across her body , lingering on the swollen flesh between her widespread legs . secretly , she 'd wondered after overhearing one of her brothers wax practically poetic about anal sex . yes , of course deke and luc were going to penetrate her there . how else could she take two men at once ? `` today will be simple , '' luc assured . `` enough to give you the sensations without opening you too much . '' deke cut to the chase . `` we wo n't fk you here . but soon , they would . kimber felt faint at the very thought of taking them into her body in the most primitive way possible and giving herself completely to them , letting the pleasure-and likely , the pain- drown her . she sent them a shaky nod . `` i was n't waiting for your consent . you gave that to us when you walked through our front door , suitcase in hand . '' deke , again . and he sounded angry somehow . or maybe he was just on the edge . the enormous erection still tenting his slacks had to require attention ... and he was still staring at her sex hungrily , savage need lighting his deep blue eyes . a part of her wanted to protest his arrogant speech . the presumption . kimber bit her lip , logic telling her that he was right . and that his sexual frustration was doing the talking . some of the tension left his body , then he looked down at luc with a nod . `` she wo n't last long , '' luc commented . `` kimber may not respond to it . '' a shrug of deke 's massive shoulders was meant to give her the impression that he did n't care . but she sensed that he did care . they did n't leave her wondering for long if she would respond . moments later , she felt something cool and slippery nudging her back entrance . she tensed , having second thoughts . no , make that third and fourth thoughts . what were they invading her with ? `` do n't tense , '' luc urged . `` push down just a bit . it is n't big ... '' biting her lip , kimber tried to relax and push down on the invading object , clearly coated in lubricant . she was only halfcommitted to it , hedging her actions . until the fire in deke 's eyes skyrocketed . until he was forced to rip off his pants , take his cck in hand , his stare all the while glued to luc 's gentle probing . that she could get to him , force him to stroke his own flesh because she aroused him so much , made kimber want to give him more of a show . she 'd imagined she 'd be hesitant and shy around luc and deke , but the feminine power of knowing she drove them to undeniable arousal burned away any timidity . she wanted to tease them . concentrating on luc 's instruction , she did as he suggested , and suddenly , something slender slid up , up , up into her ass . a gentle click later , and that something began to vibrate . pleasure wound up again in seconds , tearing through her , soaring , shoving her hard toward ecstasy . luc slid the vibe in and out of her gently , letting her adjust to the feel of the little wand rapidly destroying her sanity as she watched deke stroke his own cck in a harsh fist . when luc bent his head again to take her clt back into his mouth , the blaze between her thighs roared into an inferno , streaming fire into her belly , down her legs . her back arched as she panted . this cli*x was big .	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`` when i 've been drunk or just really damn lonely , i 'd let myself think of you . you do n't know how f*king often i 'd roll over in bed and wish you were there . '' the sincerity pouring off of logan made her want to cry . `` i thought of you , too . when i realized i was doing it , i 'd try to force myself to stop . but sometimes , i could n't . i 'd remember the way you made me feel , like a woman , like ... someone special . no one else has ever made me feel that way . '' `` cherry , you are special . i 'm never going to let you forget it . '' tears stung her eyes , and she slammed them shut . if he kept talking like that , they would n't get closure ; she would n't want it . she 'd want nothing more than to cling to logan and pretend the last twelve years had never happened . she 'd want to pretend they could have a fairy-tale ending . that would most likely lead to another broken heart . tara forced out a saucy grin . `` shut up and take your clothes off . '' he paused , then smiled down at her . `` you 're awfully demanding tonight , baby . if you 're not careful , that 's going to cost you tomorrow . '' she shrugged , but excitement raced through her veins , pulsed between her legs . she would never have considered herself a glutton for punishment , but the way logan dished out pain , it felt awfully sweet going down . but he did as she asked , and shrugged off his tight black t-shirt . every time she saw him exposed , she wanted to swallow her tongue . `` are you going to tell me what this really means ? '' she traced the japanese lettering along his bronzed , muscled torso . `` how much of yourself are you going to share with me ? '' he 'd dangled the answer to her question like a carrot , wiggling it in front of her face as bait , hoping she 'd expose all her secrets to him . tara could n't lie and say that she was n't disappointed-or terrified . `` if you ca n't share everything with me tonight , cherry , i understand . it 's been a long time for us , and brad ... i know it just ended . all i 'm asking is that you share as much of yourself with me tonight as you can . '' he acted as if this was meaningful , almost momentous , not merely closure . eventually he 'd see that , while there was something wonderful between them , it was n't a forever kind of thing . `` is there anything else you wo n't share with me ? '' i 'm going to give you everything you 'll let me . '' that made her swallow against a new tide of desire . according to xander , logan had shared next to nothing of himself with anyone in years . the fact that he felt differently about her warmed something dangerous in her chest . she should n't be more to him than the means to heal a wound . but she could n't deny that part of her wanted more . without another word , he stood and unfastened his jeans , then slid them down his hips , taking his boxer briefs with them . slim hips , jutting hipbones and a dark cluster of pubic hair revealed themselves before his cck sprung free . tara had n't looked at him when he 'd taken her virginity . at sixteen , she 'd been too embarrassed . the moment between them then had been tender , but now she knew why it had hurt so damn bad initially . he was long and incredibly thick and very hard . his stalk stood straight up , its head flaring bluish and wide and fascinating . he had , by far , the biggest c*ck she 'd ever seen . unconsciously , she licked her lips nervously . `` baby , do n't tease me like that . instantly , she understood-and wanted the opportunity to drive him mad . since she 'd walked into his dungeon , he 'd had more than one chance to dish out the sensual torture . this could be hers , and she wanted it . `` i 'm not teasing , '' she whispered . `` shit , cherry . '' he drew in a shuddering breath and stepped closer , wrapping his hands around her head . `` this has been one of the most potent fantasies i 've had for years . when he drew her down to his turgid cock , she opened her mouth , conscious that he watched her every move with unblinking eyes . she could feel his rapt attention all through her body . excitement settled right beneath her clit . she licked the head once experimentally . salty , musky , earthy . she shivered as his flavor flared through her , addictive on her tongue . so she lapped at him again . his hands tightened on her head and he hissed in a breath .	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he could n't marry grace until he knew what he was , but more than that - he could not marry her until he 'd atoned for his sins . and that could only be done in ireland . five days later , at sea this was not the first time jack had crossed the irish sea . it was not even the second or the third . he wondered if the unease would ever leave him , if he would someday be able to look down at the dark , swirling waters below and not think of his father slipping beneath the surface , meeting his death . even before he had met the cavendishes , when his father was just a wispy figment in his mind , he 'd disliked this crossing . and yet here he stood . at the railing . he could not seem to help himself . he could not be on the water and not look out . out , and then down . it was a gentle voyage this time , although that did little to comfort him . it was not that he feared for his own safety . it was just that it all felt so morbid , skimming atop his father 's grave . he wanted it done . he wanted to be back on land . even , he supposed , if that land was ireland . the last time he 'd been home ... jack pinched his lips together , and then he pinched his eyes shut . the last time he had been home was to bring back arthur 's body . it was the hardest thing he 'd ever done . not just because his heart had broken anew with every mile , and not even because he 'd dreaded his arrival at home . how could he face his aunt and uncle , delivering to them their dead son ? as if all that had n't been enough , it was damned hard to move a body from france to england to ireland . he 'd had to find a coffin , which was surprisingly difficult in the middle of a war . `` supply and demand , '' one of his friends told him after their first unsuccessful attempt to obtain a coffin . there were a lot of dead bodies strewn about . coffins were the ultimate luxury on a battlefield . but he had persisted , and he 'd followed to the letter the directions he 'd been given by the undertaker , filling the wooden coffin with sawdust and sealing it with tar . even then the smell eventually seeped through , and by the time he reached ireland , no driver would take the cargo . he 'd had to buy his own wagon to get his cousin home . the journey had disrupted his own life , too . the army refused his request to be allowed to move the body , and he was forced to sell off his commission . it was a small price to pay , to be able to do this one last service for his family . but it had meant that he 'd had to leave a position for which he was - finally - a perfect fit . school had been a misery , failure after failure . he 'd muddled through , mostly with help from arthur , who , seeing his struggles , had come quietly to his aid . but university - good god , he still could not believe he 'd been encouraged to go . he had known it would be a disaster , but portora royal boys went on to university . but arthur was a year behind , and without him , jack did n't have a prayer . failure would have been too mortifying , so he got himself booted out . not that it took much imagination to find ways to behave in a manner unbecoming of a trinity college student . he had returned home , supposedly in disgrace , and it was decided that he might do well in the army . so off he went . it had been a perfect fit . finally , a place he could succeed and thrive without books and papers and quills . it was n't that he was unintelligent . it was just that he hated books and papers and quills . they gave him a headache . but that was all over , and now here he was , on his way back to ireland for the first time since arthur 's funeral service , and he might be the duke of wyndham , which would ensure him a bloody lifetime of books and papers and quills . and headaches . he glanced off to his left and saw thomas standing by the bow with amelia . he was pointing toward something - probably a bird , since jack could not see anything else of interest . amelia was smiling , perhaps not broadly , but enough at least to ease some of the guilt jack was feeling about the scene back at belgrave when he had refused to marry her . it was n't as if he could have done anything else . did they really think he would roll over and say , oh , yes , give me anyone ! i 'll just show up at the church and be grateful . not that there was anything wrong with lady amelia . in fact , one could ( and probably would ) do much worse , if one were to be forced into marriage . and if he had n't met grace ... he might have been willing to do it .	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