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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
when they walked inside , the hostess greeted them , and damon leaned in to murmur quietly to the young woman . she smiled immediately and nodded . then she motioned for him and serena to follow her . they were seated across the room from the bustle of the lunch crowd . serena settled in and raised an eyebrow as the hostess left . `` this area is usually closed for lunch . '' `` let 's just say i 'm used to getting my way . '' serena snorted . `` we 've already ascertained that . '' `` i wanted a place we could speak privately , '' he said . her heart slammed against her chest when he slid an envelope across the table toward her . she had n't even noticed that he 'd carried it from the car , but then her concentration had been on other things . like how damn good he looked . with trembling fingers , she opened the envelope . before unfolding the pages , she looked up at him in question . she was fairly certain that this was what she 'd asked for , but now that it was here , in front of her , she was a little frightened and a whole lot unsure . `` you hesitate , '' he said quietly . `` quite natural . `` you never said a word about the fact that it was me ... '' he shrugged . `` i figured you had your reasons . she stared down at the paper then slowly opened it . age , address , physical details , appearance , characteristics were all listed first . her eyes flickered over the sheet as she tried to take in as much of the information as she could at once . no criminal record , stable job and income . her gaze shot back up the page , and it was then she saw the name staring boldly back at her . damon roche . she gasped sharply , and she yanked her head up to stare at damon . he raised one brow as he studied her intently . if he 'd intended to catch her completely off guard , he 'd certainly succeeded . she was so rattled that her hands were shaking , and sweat beaded her forehead . this was n't our agreement . '' `` our agreement was that you wanted me to find a suitable man for a sexual fantasy situation . he leaned forward in his seat and pinned her with his stare . `` would you prefer a complete stranger take you and possess you ? if we had not met as we did , if someone else had set up our meeting , would you object to my being the man who controls your fantasy ? '' `` why did n't you volunteer from the get-go ? '' `` i did n't know you were the woman , '' he said simply . `` when i found out , i knew i had to be the one to have you . '' she gawked like a moron , her lips parted in shock . you 're a beautiful woman , serena . i wanted you from the moment you walked into the restaurant . after i read your eloquent e-mail and saw who had written it , there was never any question as to whether i would step forward . no other man will have you . '' warmth sizzled through her abdomen , burning a path to her groin . her clt pulsed and throbbed , and her n*ples hardened until they ached . his vow whispered through her ears until it rebounded and echoed , seductive and alluring . there was raw arrogance in his expression . more than that , there was knowledge . she craved it with her entire being . wanted it and him more than she 'd wanted anything else , and all she had to do was reach out and take it . `` tell me , serena . `` do you ache for me ? do you want my possession ? do you lie awake at night wanting a man strong enough to harness your sexuality , stroke it until the fire rages and then unleash it , set you free ? '' `` yes , '' she whispered , her voice catching in her throat . `` there is much we should discuss , '' he said . we 'll iron out the technicalities and lay the groundwork , but for the more intimate details ... we 'll meet in a much more private setting . '' as he said the last , he reached over and trailed a finger down her cheek and then pushed a tendril of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear . `` i very much look forward to that conversation , '' he murmured . heat surged to her cheeks , and she leaned into his touch before she could think better of it . `` there 's nothing to say but yes . unless you 've changed your mind ? i can , of course , find another suitable candidate , but i ca n't be the only one who has felt the spark between us , serena , and after reading your e-mail , i do n't take you for a coward . '' she was quite simply overwhelmed . he reached across the table once more and captured her hand in his . his thumb rubbed absently over the top of her knuckles , sensual and distracting .	[["walk", 16], ["walked", 16], ["inside", 23], ["hostess", 37], ["greet", 45], ["greeting", 45], ["greeted", 45], ["damon", 62], ["lean", 69], ["leans", 69], ["leaned", 69], ["murmur", 82], ["murmurest", 82], ["quietly", 90], ["young", 103], ["youngest", 103], ["woman", 109], ["womans", 109], ["smile", 122], ["smiled", 122], ["immediately", 134], ["nod", 145], ["nodded", 145], ["motion", 165], ["serena", 184], ["follow", 194], ["seat", 217], ["seated", 217], ["across", 224], ["room", 233], ["roomed", 233], ["bustle", 249], ["bustled", 249], ["bustling", 249], ["lunch", 262], ["lunched", 262], ["lunches", 262], ["crowd", 268], ["crowdest", 268], ["crowding", 268], ["settle", 285], ["settled", 285], ["raise", 299], ["raised", 299], ["eyebrow", 310], ["left", 330], ["leave", 330], ["area", 345], ["usually", 356], ["close", 363], ["closed", 363], ["let", 385], ["lets", 385], ["say", 397], ["sayest", 397], ["use", 407], ["used", 407], ["get", 418], ["getting", 418], ["way", 425], ["ways", 425], ["already", 465], ["ascertain", 477], ["ascertained", 477], ["place", 507], ["speak", 522], ["spoken", 522], ["privately", 532], ["say", 545], ["sayest", 545], ["said", 545], ["heart", 557], ["slam", 565], ["slammed", 565], ["chest", 583], ["slid", 596], ["envelope", 608], ["table", 625], ["tabled", 625], ["tabling", 625], ["toward", 632], ["even", 655], ["evens", 655], ["notice", 663], ["noticed", 663], ["carry", 682], ["carried", 682], ["car", 698], ["concentration", 727], ["thing", 752], ["things", 752], ["like", 759], ["damn", 768], ["damned", 768], ["good", 773], ["look", 783], ["looked", 783], ["tremble", 800], ["trembles", 800], ["finger", 808], ["fingers", 808], ["open", 821], ["opened", 821], ["unfold", 853], ["unfolded", 853], ["unfoldest", 853], ["unfolding", 853], ["page", 863], ["pages", 863], ["question", 898], ["fairly", 915], ["certain", 923], ["ask", 955], ["asked", 955], ["front", 997], ["little", 1023], ["whole", 1046], ["wholes", 1046], ["lot", 1050], ["unsure", 1057], ["unsured", 1057], ["hesitate", 1075], ["quite", 1107], ["natural", 1115], ["never", 1130], ["word", 1142], ["fact", 1157], ["shrug", 1191], ["shrugging", 1191], ["shrugged", 1191], ["figure", 1206], ["figured", 1206], ["reason", 1227], ["reasonest", 1227], ["reasons", 1227], ["stare", 1240], ["stared", 1240], ["paper", 1258], ["slowly", 1270], ["age", 1286], ["aged", 1286], ["address", 1296], ["physical", 1307], ["detail", 1315], ["details", 1315], ["appearance", 1328], ["characteristic", 1346], ["characteristics", 1346], ["list", 1362], ["listed", 1362], ["first", 1368], ["firstest", 1368], ["eye", 1379], ["eyed", 1379], ["eyes", 1379], ["flicker", 1389], ["flickered", 1389], ["flickering", 1389], ["sheet", 1404], ["try", 1417], ["tryed", 1417], ["tried", 1417], ["take", 1425], ["much", 1436], ["information", 1455], ["criminal", 1490], ["record", 1497], ["stable", 1506], ["job", 1510], ["jobbing", 1510], ["income", 1521], ["gaze", 1532], ["gazes", 1532], ["shoot", 1537], ["shooted", 1537], ["shot", 1537], ["back", 1542], ["page", 1554], ["see", 1580], ["saw", 1580], ["name", 1589], ["stare", 1597], ["stared", 1597], ["staring", 1597], ["boldly", 1604], ["roche", 1630], ["gasp", 1643], ["gasps", 1643], ["gasped", 1643], ["sharply", 1651], ["yank", 1668], ["yanks", 1668], ["yanked", 1668], ["head", 1677], ["stare", 1689], ["stared", 1689], ["brow", 1719], ["study", 1733], ["studied", 1733], ["intently", 1746], ["intend", 1766], ["intendest", 1766], ["intended", 1766], ["catch", 1775], ["catches", 1775], ["catched", 1775], ["completely", 1790], ["guard", 1800], ["certainly", 1818], ["succeed", 1828], ["succeedest", 1828], ["succeeded", 1828], ["rattle", 1849], ["rattled", 1849], ["hand", 1864], ["hands", 1864], ["shake", 1877], ["shaking", 1877], ["sweat", 1889], ["bead", 1896], ["beaded", 1896], ["forehead", 1909], ["agreement", 1938], ["find", 1991], ["suitable", 2002], ["man", 2006], ["mans", 2006], ["manned", 2006], ["sexual", 2019], ["fantasy", 2027], ["situation", 2037], ["forward", 2057], ["forwardest", 2057], ["forwarding", 2057], ["seat", 2069], ["pin", 2080], ["pinned", 2080], ["prefer", 2121], ["prefered", 2121], ["preferest", 2121], ["complete", 2132], ["stranger", 2141], ["possess", 2162], ["possesses", 2162], ["meet", 2186], ["meeted", 2186], ["met", 2186], ["else", 2214], ["set", 2222], ["meeting", 2237], ["object", 2256], ["objected", 2256], ["objecting", 2256], ["objectest", 2256], ["control", 2289], ["controls", 2289], ["volunteer", 2336], ["get", 2349], ["go", 2352], ["goest", 2352], ["know", 2375], ["knowest", 2375], ["simply", 2414], ["find", 2432], ["found", 2432], ["know", 2445], ["knowest", 2445], ["knew", 2445], ["gawk", 2493], ["gawks", 2493], ["gawkest", 2493], ["gawked", 2493], ["moron", 2506], ["morons", 2506], ["lip", 2517], ["lipped", 2517], ["lips", 2517], ["part", 2524], ["parting", 2524], ["parted", 2524], ["shock", 2533], ["beautiful", 2555], ["beautifulest", 2555], ["moment", 2601], ["restaurant", 2632], ["read", 2647], ["reads", 2647], ["eloquent", 2661], ["e", 2663], ["ing", 2663], ["eest", 2663], ["mail", 2668], ["write", 2692], ["writing", 2692], ["written", 2692], ["whether", 2740], ["step", 2753], ["warmth", 2802], ["sizzle", 2810], ["sizzles", 2810], ["sizzled", 2810], ["abdomen", 2830], ["burn", 2840], ["burns", 2840], ["burning", 2840], ["path", 2847], ["groin", 2860], ["pulse", 2878], ["pulsed", 2878], ["throb", 2891], ["throbs", 2891], ["throbbed", 2891], ["throbbing", 2891], ["harden", 2918], ["hardens", 2918], ["hardened", 2918], ["ache", 2935], ["ached", 2935], ["vow", 2945], ["whisper", 2955], ["whispered", 2955], ["ear", 2972], ["ears", 2972], ["rebound", 2991], ["rebounded", 2991], ["echo", 3002], ["echoed", 3002], ["seductive", 3014], ["alluring", 3027], ["raw", 3043], ["arrogance", 3053], ["expression", 3071], ["knowledge", 3110], ["crave", 3123], ["craved", 3123], ["craving", 3123], ["entire", 3142], ["anything", 3201], ["reach", 3240], ["tell", 3266], ["ache", 3295], ["ached", 3295], ["possession", 3330], ["lay", 3343], ["lie", 3343], ["lain", 3343], ["awoke", 3349], ["awake", 3349], ["night", 3358], ["strong", 3379], ["enough", 3386], ["harness", 3397], ["harnessest", 3397], ["harnessing", 3397], ["sexuality", 3412], ["stroke", 3421], ["fire", 3439], ["rage", 3445], ["rages", 3445], ["unleash", 3462], ["unleashest", 3462], ["free", 3480], ["yes", 3492], ["voice", 3523], ["catch", 3532], ["catches", 3532], ["catched", 3532], ["catching", 3532], ["throat", 3546], ["discuss", 3583], ["discusses", 3583], ["discussest", 3583], ["iron", 3610], ["technicality", 3633], ["technicalities", 3633], ["lay", 3641], ["lie", 3641], ["lain", 3641], ["groundwork", 3656], ["groundworks", 3656], ["intimate", 3684], ["meet", 3708], ["meeted", 3708], ["private", 3731], ["setting", 3739], ["last", 3764], ["reach", 3777], ["reached", 3777], ["trail", 3794], ["trailed", 3794], ["finger", 3803], ["cheek", 3818], ["cheeks", 3818], ["push", 3834], ["pushed", 3834], ["tendril", 3844], ["hair", 3856], ["away", 3861], ["face", 3875], ["tuck", 3886], ["tucked", 3886], ["tucking", 3886], ["behind", 3896], ["ear", 3904], ["look", 3926], ["conversation", 3955], ["murmur", 3972], ["murmurest", 3972], ["murmured", 3972], ["heat", 3979], ["heats", 3979], ["heated", 3979], ["surge", 3986], ["surged", 3986], ["cheek", 4000], ["cheeks", 4000], ["touch", 4032], ["touching", 4032], ["think", 4055], ["thinkest", 4055], ["well", 4062], ["better", 4062], ["nothing", 4090], ["unless", 4114], ["unlesss", 4114], ["change", 4130], ["changed", 4130], ["mind", 4140], ["minding", 4140], ["course", 4160], ["another", 4175], ["candidate", 4194], ["candidating", 4194], ["ca", 4205], ["cas", 4205], ["feel", 4238], ["felt", 4238], ["spark", 4248], ["sparking", 4248], ["read", 4288], ["reads", 4288], ["reading", 4288], ["coward", 4333], ["capture", 4424], ["captured", 4424], ["hand", 4433], ["thumb", 4452], ["thumbed", 4452], ["rub", 4459], ["rubbed", 4459], ["absently", 4468], ["top", 4481], ["knuckle", 4497], ["knuckles", 4497], ["knuckling", 4497], ["sensual", 4507]]
grunts filled the air , and the grass , slippery with dew , made it hard as i tried to climb over him . it was a chilly night , but the sweat glided down my forehead like it was the middle of august . i threw punch after punch , my knuckles burning with the impact . he brought his hands up , wrapping one of his fists inside the other and hammering down into my stomach . i lost my breath , and he took the short reprieve to draw a switchblade out of his jeans and sliced me across the bicep . i whipped my body back , leaning away . the hot sting of the cut quickly spread , and my arm turned cold . i realized it was the blood hitting the night air , cooling my skin . but the rest of me was hot as fuck , my blood pumping so hard . i grappled for my helmet on the ground and slammed him over the top of the forehead with it . his knife fell to the ground , and he covered his bleeding hairline with shaky hands . i liked fighting , and i liked trouble , but pulling a fking knife ? that made me want to damage more than just his window . standing up and gripping my arm to stop the blood flow , i carried the helmet over to his piece of shit honda and smashed his windshield until it was so splintered that it looked like it was crusted in a winter 's worth of frost . i walked back , tasting the blood in my mouth and hovering over the piece of shit on the ground . `` you 're not welcome at the loop anymore . '' i meant for my voice to come off strong , but my breathing was still ragged . and the damn blood from the cut was dripping off of my fingertips now . i probably needed stitches . madoc had already dumped the first guy , bloodied and unconscious , over by the car and was now stepping over to get the other one off my lawn . i heard him say , almost a whisper . i turned my eyes to him , but then saw he was concentrated on something else . following his gaze toward the brandt 's yard , i stopped breathing . tate was standing there , on the walkway leading up to her porch . just standing there and staring at us . a little scared , a little confused , and in her goddamn , fking underwear ! madoc was here . two other guys-although unconscious-were here . my blood boiled and heat immediately rushed to my pants . i hardened my jaw and breathed hard . she wore a tight , black band t-shirt and some of those cotton boy short underwear . fucking red . she was covered , but just barely . you could still make out everything , and she was perfect . my heart was jackhammering so hard and fast at her skimpy attire that i just wanted to peel everything off of her and sink my hands into her body here and now . get in the fking house , tate ! then my eyes fell to the gun in her right hand . i narrowed my eyes , forgetting her legs and her beautiful hair spilling around her . she was n't helping us . she was waiting for the cops or something . tate did n't give a shit , and she was just sticking her nose where it did n't belong . but then i blinked . if she 'd called the cops , i doubted she 'd be walking around in her panties , carrying a gun . why the hell would she help us ? maybe she did n't stalk out here in her underwear to taunt me . maybe she was just in that much of a hurry . but before i could even sift through my thoughts , she quirked an annoyed eyebrow and stomped back up her front porch and through the door to her house , giving me a great view of her ass . madoc laughed , and i shoved him in the shoulder before stalking off towards my house . i had a hard-on and a bloody arm , and i was n't sure what i needed first : stitches or a cold shower . madoc had threatened to call the cops , so ryland and his friend sped away-broken windshield and all-while i woke up my mother . i hated waking her-hated stressing her-but i was still technically a minor on her health insurance , so i needed her at the hospital . madoc went home to nurse his bloody nose , and it took ten stitches and my mother bitching at me for two hours before i was able to make it to bed , too . by the time i woke up three hours later , i was in more knots than before i slept . tate with a fking gun . what the hell was her game ? grabbing my phone off its charger , i shook off the voice in my head that told me to slow down . need my help today ? i texted k.c . it only took her a second to respond . liam , i shot back . let 's make him jealous . i leaned forward , resting my elbows on my knees , waiting for her answer .	[["grunt", 6], ["fill", 13], ["fills", 13], ["filled", 13], ["air", 21], ["airs", 21], ["airing", 21], ["grass", 37], ["grassing", 37], ["slippery", 48], ["dew", 57], ["dews", 57], ["hard", 72], ["try", 83], ["tryed", 83], ["tried", 83], ["climb", 92], ["chilly", 119], ["night", 125], ["sweat", 141], ["glide", 148], ["glided", 148], ["forehead", 165], ["like", 170], ["middle", 188], ["middles", 188], ["middling", 188], ["august", 198], ["throw", 208], ["threw", 208], ["punch", 214], ["punching", 214], ["knuckle", 240], ["knuckles", 240], ["knuckling", 240], ["burn", 248], ["burns", 248], ["burning", 248], ["impact", 264], ["bring", 277], ["brought", 277], ["hand", 287], ["hands", 287], ["wrap", 301], ["wraps", 301], ["wrapping", 301], ["fist", 318], ["fists", 318], ["inside", 325], ["hammer", 349], ["hammering", 349], ["stomach", 370], ["stomachs", 370], ["stomaching", 370], ["lose", 379], ["lost", 379], ["breath", 389], ["breathest", 389], ["take", 403], ["took", 403], ["short", 413], ["reprieve", 422], ["draw", 430], ["draws", 430], ["drawn", 430], ["switchblade", 444], ["jean", 461], ["jeans", 461], ["slice", 472], ["sliced", 472], ["across", 482], ["bicep", 492], ["biceps", 492], ["whip", 504], ["whipped", 504], ["body", 512], ["bodied", 512], ["back", 517], ["lean", 527], ["leans", 527], ["leaning", 527], ["away", 532], ["hot", 542], ["sting", 548], ["stung", 548], ["stinging", 548], ["cut", 559], ["quickly", 567], ["spread", 574], ["arm", 587], ["turn", 594], ["turned", 594], ["cold", 599], ["realize", 612], ["realized", 612], ["blood", 629], ["bloods", 629], ["blooded", 629], ["hit", 637], ["hitting", 637], ["cool", 661], ["cooling", 661], ["skin", 669], ["rest", 684], ["fuck", 706], ["grapple", 746], ["grapples", 746], ["grappled", 746], ["helmet", 760], ["ground", 774], ["slam", 786], ["slammed", 786], ["top", 803], ["knife", 839], ["knifes", 839], ["fall", 844], ["falls", 844], ["fell", 844], ["cover", 875], ["covered", 875], ["bleed", 888], ["bleeding", 888], ["hairline", 897], ["shaky", 908], ["like", 924], ["liked", 924], ["fight", 933], ["fightest", 933], ["trouble", 955], ["troubling", 955], ["pull", 969], ["pulling", 969], ["damage", 1015], ["damaging", 1015], ["window", 1041], ["windows", 1041], ["stood", 1052], ["stand", 1052], ["standest", 1052], ["standing", 1052], ["grip", 1068], ["gripping", 1068], ["stop", 1083], ["flow", 1098], ["flows", 1098], ["carry", 1110], ["carried", 1110], ["piece", 1139], ["pieced", 1139], ["shit", 1147], ["honda", 1153], ["hondas", 1153], ["smash", 1165], ["smashed", 1165], ["windshield", 1180], ["splinter", 1207], ["splintered", 1207], ["look", 1222], ["looked", 1222], ["crust", 1242], ["crusted", 1242], ["winter", 1254], ["worth", 1263], ["frost", 1272], ["frostest", 1272], ["walk", 1283], ["walked", 1283], ["taste", 1298], ["mouth", 1320], ["mouthed", 1320], ["welcome", 1395], ["loop", 1407], ["looping", 1407], ["anymore", 1415], ["mean", 1428], ["meanest", 1428], ["meant", 1428], ["voice", 1441], ["come", 1449], ["strong", 1460], ["breathes", 1479], ["breathing", 1479], ["still", 1489], ["damn", 1511], ["damned", 1511], ["drip", 1543], ["dripping", 1543], ["fingertip", 1564], ["fingertips", 1564], ["probably", 1581], ["need", 1588], ["needest", 1588], ["needed", 1588], ["stitch", 1597], ["stitches", 1597], ["already", 1617], ["dump", 1624], ["dumped", 1624], ["first", 1634], ["firstest", 1634], ["guy", 1638], ["unconscious", 1665], ["car", 1683], ["step", 1704], ["stepping", 1704], ["get", 1716], ["lawn", 1742], ["lawns", 1742], ["hear", 1752], ["hears", 1752], ["heard", 1752], ["say", 1760], ["sayest", 1760], ["almost", 1769], ["whisper", 1779], ["eye", 1798], ["eyed", 1798], ["eyes", 1798], ["see", 1820], ["saw", 1820], ["concentrate", 1840], ["concentrated", 1840], ["concentrates", 1840], ["else", 1858], ["follow", 1870], ["following", 1870], ["gaze", 1879], ["gazes", 1879], ["toward", 1886], ["brandt", 1897], ["yard", 1905], ["yards", 1905], ["stop", 1917], ["stopped", 1917], ["tate", 1934], ["walkway", 1970], ["lead", 1978], ["leaded", 1978], ["leading", 1978], ["porch", 1994], ["stare", 2028], ["stared", 2028], ["staring", 2028], ["little", 2045], ["goddamn", 2093], ["underwear", 2113], ["two", 2136], ["twos", 2136], ["guy", 2147], ["guys", 2147], ["although", 2156], ["boil", 2196], ["boils", 2196], ["boiled", 2196], ["heat", 2205], ["heats", 2205], ["heated", 2205], ["immediately", 2217], ["rush", 2224], ["rushed", 2224], ["pant", 2236], ["pants", 2236], ["harden", 2249], ["hardens", 2249], ["hardened", 2249], ["jaw", 2256], ["jaws", 2256], ["jawed", 2256], ["jawest", 2256], ["breathes", 2269], ["breathed", 2269], ["wear", 2285], ["wore", 2285], ["tight", 2293], ["black", 2301], ["band", 2306], ["shirt", 2314], ["cotton", 2339], ["boy", 2343], ["fuck", 2369], ["fucking", 2369], ["red", 2373], ["barely", 2409], ["everything", 2447], ["perfect", 2469], ["perfectest", 2469], ["heart", 2480], ["jackhammered", 2498], ["fast", 2515], ["skimpy", 2529], ["attire", 2536], ["peel", 2563], ["sink", 2594], ["sank", 2594], ["house", 2657], ["gun", 2695], ["right", 2708], ["rightest", 2708], ["hand", 2713], ["narrow", 2726], ["narrowed", 2726], ["forget", 2747], ["forgot", 2747], ["forgetting", 2747], ["leg", 2756], ["legs", 2756], ["beautiful", 2774], ["beautifulest", 2774], ["hair", 2779], ["spilt", 2788], ["spill", 2788], ["spilling", 2788], ["around", 2795], ["help", 2821], ["helpest", 2821], ["helping", 2821], ["wait", 2842], ["waitest", 2842], ["waiting", 2842], ["cop", 2855], ["copest", 2855], ["copped", 2855], ["cops", 2855], ["give", 2888], ["stick", 2923], ["stickest", 2923], ["sticking", 2923], ["nose", 2932], ["nosed", 2932], ["nosing", 2932], ["belong", 2956], ["belonged", 2956], ["belongest", 2956], ["blink", 2977], ["blinked", 2977], ["call", 2996], ["called", 2996], ["doubt", 3017], ["doubted", 3017], ["walk", 3035], ["walking", 3035], ["pantie", 3057], ["panties", 3057], ["carry", 3068], ["carrying", 3068], ["hell", 3089], ["hells", 3089], ["help", 3104], ["helpest", 3104], ["maybe", 3115], ["stalk", 3133], ["stalkest", 3133], ["taunt", 3168], ["taunting", 3168], ["tauntest", 3168], ["much", 3205], ["hurry", 3216], ["hurried", 3216], ["hurryed", 3216], ["hurrying", 3216], ["even", 3242], ["evens", 3242], ["sift", 3247], ["thought", 3267], ["thoughts", 3267], ["quirk", 3281], ["quirks", 3281], ["quirked", 3281], ["eyebrow", 3300], ["stomp", 3312], ["stomps", 3312], ["stomping", 3312], ["stomped", 3312], ["front", 3330], ["door", 3357], ["give", 3379], ["giving", 3379], ["great", 3390], ["view", 3395], ["viewest", 3395], ["ass", 3406], ["laugh", 3422], ["laughed", 3422], ["shove", 3437], ["shoved", 3437], ["shoulder", 3457], ["shouldered", 3457], ["stalk", 3473], ["stalkest", 3473], ["stalking", 3473], ["towards", 3485], ["bloody", 3525], ["bloodying", 3525], ["sure", 3550], ["shower", 3598], ["showered", 3598], ["showerest", 3598], ["threaten", 3621], ["threatened", 3621], ["call", 3629], ["ryland", 3650], ["friend", 3665], ["speed", 3670], ["speeding", 3670], ["sped", 3670], ["break", 3682], ["broke", 3682], ["broken", 3682], ["wake", 3714], ["wakes", 3714], ["woken", 3714], ["woke", 3714], ["mother", 3727], ["mothered", 3727], ["motherest", 3727], ["hate", 3737], ["hateed", 3737], ["hated", 3737], ["wake", 3744], ["wakes", 3744], ["woken", 3744], ["waking", 3744], ["stress", 3764], ["stressing", 3764], ["technically", 3796], ["minor", 3804], ["health", 3818], ["healths", 3818], ["insurance", 3828], ["hospital", 3862], ["go", 3875], ["goest", 3875], ["went", 3875], ["home", 3880], ["homing", 3880], ["nurse", 3889], ["ten", 3923], ["bitching", 3955], ["bitchingest", 3955], ["hour", 3975], ["hours", 3975], ["able", 3993], ["abled", 3993], ["bed", 4011], ["time", 4031], ["three", 4047], ["later", 4059], ["knot", 4081], ["knotted", 4081], ["knots", 4081], ["slept", 4101], ["sleep", 4101], ["sleeps", 4101], ["sleepest", 4101], ["game", 4156], ["grab", 4167], 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it was worse for her because she resisted-or she tried to . '' `` jesu , '' bowen muttered . `` and yet naught surprises me when it comes to ian . '' `` he was like a petulant child denied his favorite toy , '' taliesan said . `` he brought genevieve here and vowed that no man would ever look upon her with desire again . he ... he cut her face , '' taliesan choked out . `` apurpose . he scarred her so she would not gain the attention of other men . he vowed that no one save him would ever possess her . '' `` he did that to her face ? '' bowen asked hoarsely . `` aye , but that was n't the worst of it . '' `` not the worst ? '' brodie asked incredulously . `` nay , '' taliesan whispered . `` he made her his whore . his unwilling whore . he was obsessed with her and jealously possessive . no one could touch her or so much as look her way or she was punished severely . he broke her , laird . her family thinks her dead , and in a way she is , for she is no longer the genevieve mcinnis she once was . '' disgust swirled like sour ale in bowen 's belly . the conversation in her chamber replayed over and over in his mind , and he was gutted by his own disdain for the lass . he 'd judged her and found her lacking . he 'd acted as though she were beneath him , and he 'd ignored her plea for help . `` sweet mother of god , '' he muttered . `` you have no idea the depths of his depravity , '' taliesan finished in a whisper . bowen was speechless as he took in all she had to say . brodie wore a dark scowl and his eyes gleamed with a murderous light . `` his death was too quick , '' brodie snarled . `` graeme had far too much mercy . he should have been made to suffer for all he has inflicted on innocent women . '' `` how long has genevieve been his captive ? '' `` an entire year , laird , '' taliesan said quietly . `` if you think genevieve is being dramatic or that she seeks to manipulate you or others by taking out on foot , you 're wrong . she has no expectation that anyone will come after her or care enough to worry over her fate . quite simply , she does n't care what happens to her . she only wants to be free and to enjoy a moment 's peace . she would feel deeply betrayed by all that i 've confided in you . it brings me no pride that i have done so . but i would not have her mistreated any longer . '' bowen reached to take taliesan 's hand in his . `` you did right , lass . and you need n't worry that genevieve will be mistreated any longer . '' taliesan 's gaze was hopeful as she stared back at bowen . `` then you 'll go after her ? '' bowen 's lips formed a grim line of determination as he rose . `` i 'll not return without her . '' chapter 9 genevieve stared at the rolling hillside dotted with rock outcroppings that spanned as far as the eye could see . a feeling of hopelessness weakened her with its intensity , and she tried valiantly to shake it off . it mattered naught where she was . walking out of the keep had been freeing in a manner she had n't expected . as soon as she 'd ventured beyond the walls , the oppressive weight bearing down on her had lifted . no matter what happened to her from now on , she was no longer a helpless victim . ian mchugh could n't use or debase her ever again . no more would the mchugh clan mock and revile her . she pulled the cape closer around her face , though there was no one to see her . there was n't a single person or animal that she could see in any direction . the keep had long since faded behind a hillside as she put more distance between her and her prison of a year . someone would help her . someone would direct her to an abbey . she had to have faith , because at this point she simply could n't fathom any more cruelty in the world around her . there were good people in this world . she knew it firsthand . her family were the best kind of people . they would die if they knew of her circumstances , and that was why she 'd die before ever divulging her fate . it was kinder to let them think she 'd been killed than to have them know the truth . her kin were loyal to their bones and fiercely protective of everyone they called friend or clansmen . though court was rife with deception and greed , genevieve had never experienced these things herself . everyone had been kind and courteous to her . everyone save ian mchugh .	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`` aye , and perhaps he truly does like that awful ale i have been giving him , and thinks it is some of the finest he has ever enjoyed , '' helen muttered . ducky looked taken aback , then bit her lip . `` what did he say about the lack of covering or fire in his room ? '' helen 's mouth tightened . `` he finds the cool breezes invigorating . '' `` the fleas ? '' ducky asked almost hopelessly . `` his tough hide must be immune to the little pests . he has said naught about them . '' ducky was silent for a moment as she braided flowers into helen 's golden hair , then murmured unhappily , `` i noticed he has been eating heartily of the food we serve him . '' helen 's head ached with remembered irritation . `` he claims i have the finest cook in christendom . '' ducky looked terribly disappointed at the news . but she could not be more disappointed than helen herself , who had truly convinced herself that he would step forward and refuse the king 's ridiculous order that they marry . the man had failed her , and now it was her wedding day . my wedding day , she thought with despair . father purcell was probably already waiting in the church . they would hold the ceremony as soon as she was ready . and she had little choice but to obey templetun , unfortunately , there was nothing left to delay the inevitable . all else was in readiness . helen 's servants were all experienced and excellent at their jobs . even as they had carried out her plot to bring an end to this travesty , she had made certain they were preparing the keep for the wedding she had never believed would happen . decorations , a fine feast - all was ready . she had gone ahead with the preparations mostly to keep her guests from suspecting anything was amiss ; now they would be needed . the wedding was not canceled . in fact , despite all their efforts , lord holden appeared distressingly complacent about the entire arrangement . helen winced as ducky accidentally stuck her scalp with a stem . `` sorry , '' the maid murmured , concentrating harder on her task . this is good enough , '' helen snapped , waving her away impatiently and standing . turning to her maid , she held out her hand . `` did you bring the garlic and - `` `` aye , but you said he liked it . '' ducky moved to collect the cloves and the mug holding their vile breath enhancer . `` why torture yourself with this if it has no effect on him ? '' `` because i am not sure it is not having an effect on him . '' `` i can not forget his reaction when he first arrived . i swear the man was fit to die from the odor . '' `` but then why is he claiming to like it ? '' the servant asked in confusion . `` surely he does not wish to wed a woman who so despises the idea of marrying him ? '' helen shrugged helplessly and took the garlic , speaking as she began to peel several cloves . `` mayhap we overestimated his ability to refuse . mayhap it is no more possible for him to flout the king 's orders than i . '' `` then you think he has no more desire to marry you than you have to marry him ? that he has no choice ? '' `` that about sums it up , '' she muttered resignedly , lifting the first clove to her mouth . nell screeched from the door . helen turned to stare at the woman in amazement as she rushed forward and snatched away the cloves of garlic . helen asked in bewilderment , then gaped at her relative as the woman threw her cloves out into the courtyard . `` getting rid of those . '' nell turned back from the window and surveyed her niece with a sigh . `` that was one of the addenda lord holden insisted on being added to the contracts . it is why we had to negotiate further . you are never to eat garlic again . '' helen screeched . `` but cook puts them in - `` `` that is fine , according to the contract , but you are not to eat cloves whole and raw . '' `` well , what else could i do ? '' nell asked with exasperation . `` the very fact that lord holden was demanding it had templetun questioning why . i had to agree just to stop his curiosity . i had to agree to it all . '' helen had a sinking feeling in her stomach . nell shifted and grimaced . `` you are never to cook for him again . you must eat from the same plate as he . you must drink the same ale as he . there shall always be coverings on the window unless he demands otherwise . a fire is to be built in his bedchamber every night , and you personally are to attend his baths . '' helen stood silent and still at the news , her mind not seeming to work . it was ducky who muttered , `` it seems he did n't find the food or your breath so pleasing after all . 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they may try to defy death by participating in dangerous activities , like reckless driving , smoking , drinking , taking illegal drugs , or having unprotected sex . also , and just like adults , they can have suicidal thoughts when theyre grieving . abby had researched as much as she could to find the best way to help the kids out . the loss of their parents , a move to a new town and school , and getting to know their grandmother long term for the first time , was not easy for any of the kids . and lizzie expressed it by not saying a word . as far as therapy went , for lizzie abby found someone who specialized in pediatric grief , and so far , lizzie had been to see her seven times , and hadnt uttered a word or even shed a tear . the therapist barely managed to engage lizzie in playing with some blocks , and now that she had succeeded , thats all lizzie wanted to do . abby told the therapist that lizzie liked to draw . maybe the drawings would help . but the real problem wasnt figuring out the cause by analyzing something she built or a drawing she created , the problem was in finding a solution . and thats what evaded them . they had tried hypnosis , but that didnt work . and they had tried role-playing with dolls , play therapy , art therapy to a certain degree , and even narrative therapy . there were several options , but it was just a matter of finding the one that would work . so although there was yet to see any progress , they had at least found a therapist who was proving to be proactive . today , abby had brought lizzie and andy to the therapist . the session was for lizzie only , but jackie had basketball practice and couldnt watch andy , and abby didnt like leaving andy with a sitter unless she really had to . usually abby hung out in the waiting room instead of running errands like she did when the kids had other extracurricular activities , but when they came to therapy , abby wanted to make herself available , just in case she was asked to come in or was needed for any information . more than once , the therapist had called abby in and used her for one thing or another . now the task at hand was keep a six year old entertained and quiet for an hour . she had brought coloring books to keep him busy . what are you coloring there ? thats a very handsome dog , abby told him . shes not handsome , shes pretty , silly , he said smiling and shaking his head as if it should have been obvious . for effect , abby reached for her reading glasses and smiling said , oh my , i cant believe i said she was handsome . i cant see a thing without these glasses . then why dont you wear them if youre blind ? she had messed that one up , not totally blind . just for certain things . i can see things far away , but for things that are closer , i can see better with them on . for instance , she said reaching out and running her fingers over his face and body pretending she couldnt see him , for instance , i thought this was andy , but hes too big to be my andy . these big muscles on your arms cant be andys , and she tickled him while she was moving her hands and fingers blindly up and down his arms . stop gabby ! im getting bigger now . youre tickling me , he giggled . wait a minute , you do sound like andy , and she put her glasses back on and added , oh my , what a relief , id hate to take the wrong kid back home with me ! dont leave me here gabby , if you leave me maybe i wont talk anymore either . maybe there was more to andy than abby thought . sweetie , lizzie isnt talking , but she wasnt talking before she started seeing the doctor . we come here to see if we can help her start talking again . she used to talk . lizzie used to read me stories . now ill have to read her the stories . andy turned back to his coloring book and crayons with a big smile . oh andy , you make life seem so simple . chapter 9 you dont have to go , you know ? jackie , i dont mind going . in fact i want to go . are you trying to tell me in a roundabout way that you dont want me to go ? all afternoon jackie had thrown hints abbys way , about abby not needing to go to the parent teacher conferences that evening . no , its not that , jackie said shrugging . do you have horrible grades that you didnt tell me about ? did you play hooky too many times and now im going to find out you were actually expelled ? did you do graffiti on school property ? scratch the paint on your principals car ? no you know i didnt do any of that . i know baby , youre a good kid . are you embarrassed about me and dont want to be seen with me ? other parents are going , im not the only one , am i ?	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`` lydia is a descendant of gypsies , '' edward answered . `` romania , tambourines , fortune-telling gypsies ? '' lydia snorted at the same time edward said , `` hardly . gypsies are the traditional companions of werewolves . familiars . they protect them and in turn are paid handsomely . '' nic asked me . `` gypsy ? you were n't a little suspicious ? '' `` she said she was ojibwe . why should n't i believe her ? '' `` you could n't tell the difference ? '' `` have you ever seen a gypsy ? '' they 're a little hard to peg in the wild . '' `` there are very few with pure gypsy blood left , '' edward said . nic inched forward ; i elbowed him back . who knew what kind of powers she had ? `` hitler killed four hundred thousand in his death camps , '' lydia snapped . `` he labeled us nonhuman . '' `` i hate it when that happens , '' i muttered . lydia shot me a glare . `` mengele loved to experiment on the gypsies as well as the jews . when he concocted monsters , he made them from bits and pieces of other things . '' `` his werewolves have gypsy blood , '' i guessed , and lydia dipped her chin in acknowledgment . `` but if they 're your cousins or brothers . children ... whatever - `` `` you say they as if you are n't one of them . '' `` fine , if we 're related , then why do you want to rule us ? '' if the werewolves banded together , had a leader with half a brain at the helm , someone who did n't get distracted by a demon , or the full moon , or blood on the breeze , they could become so much more than what they are . '' edward had always feared just such an occurrence . if all the werewolves joined forces , what was to prevent every other monster from doing the same ? pretty soon people would be in the minority - if they were n't already . we had to stop her . if only we knew what she was up to . why did she need a witchie wolf army ? more importantly : how could we kill them ? hard to ask , too , since i doubted she 'd tell us . `` why get rid of basil ? '' `` especially if he was so gifted . '' `` well hung , you mean ? '' i had n't but ... i turned toward the sound just as a figure stepped from the woods and pressed a gun to edward 's temple . `` you 're dead , '' i said , echoing the protests of my dream , which , in retrospect , appeared to have been a vision . `` i ripped out your throat . '' `` i 'm very old . '' billy smiled , and the expression was more frightening than a scowl . `` i can heal just about anything . except silver . which is something we have in common . i always wondered what it was about you that bothered me . '' he 'd found some clothes - lord knows where since there were n't any outlets for the big and tall in this neck of the woods . the jeans and sweatshirt almost made him appear normal . a single glance into his eyes and no one would mistake billy bailey for anything other than an escaped lunatic . `` thor , the thunder god , '' nic murmured . had the old woman seen billy ? if i 'd known that , i could have exited fairhaven screaming a long time ago . `` toss your weapon into the trees , '' billy ordered . nic complied , and billy shoved edward forward so he could keep the gun trained on all three of us . i did n't care for his expression when he glanced at nic . `` you 're screwing my girl , '' billy murmured . i froze as all of the horrible things billy planned to do to me when he got out of his cell flooded my mind . i needed to kill him , really kill him , and quick . `` mandenauer . '' edward , who 'd been inching toward the rifle propped against the rear bumper of the cadillac , stopped . i managed to sidle in front of nic while billy 's attention was on my boss . billy did n't want me dead . but i had a feeling he would n't feel the same way about the others . though why he had n't just shot them first and done his talking later , i was n't sure , and i did n't plan to ask . `` if you do n't want a taste of what you 've served up so freely , '' billy continued , `` you 'll move far away from that gun . '' edward scowled but did as he was told . unfortunately , he arrived at my side talking . `` you did n't make sure he was dead , then burn the body ? have you learned nothing ? '' `` guess not , '' billy murmured .	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jake had appropriated her backpack to carry a couple of stainless steel water bottles , a bag of trail mix she happened to have on hand , and his cell phone . he 'd turned the phone off with a comment about hating the sound of a phone in the wilderness . but he admitted they were helpful in an emergency . anyone watching the two of them setting off down the trail would assume they were simply day hikers out to enjoy an alaskan summer day . by the time they returned to her cabin , she would have seen something few humans had . she suspected that jake wanted to scare her a little with this shifting business . maybe it was a test , and if so , she intended to pass it with flying colors . the more time she spent with jake , the less ridiculous she found the idea of mating with a werewolf . she was an artist who lived an unconventional life . she spent long hours in an isolated workshop , so logically she 'd be a better candidate for an alternate lifestyle than a corporate type . lionel 's presence in her life could present a challenge , but she might be able to get around that . other humans had done it . she 'd read enough of duncan macdowell 's book to believe that were-human pairings were n't the unmitigated disaster that jake insisted they were . she 'd love to be able to talk with one of those humans , but she could n't do that . she was n't supposed to know what she knew , so that kept her trapped in silence . jake was her only source of information , and his view was biased . and yet , as they set out on the narrow trail he 'd chosen , jake in the lead , she wondered if his views were as rigid as they had been a few days ago . they 'd had some really hot sex , and some cozy shared moments of friendship . he seemed as crazy about her as she was about him . if she was willing to consider the possibility of this mating business , then perhaps jake could be swayed . first , though , she had to show him that his shifting demonstration would n't freak her out . she was slightly apprehensive-anyone would be-but this was jake . she 'd keep that in mind during the transformation and all would be well . they arrived at a fork in the trail , and jake turned back to her . `` i was planning to take the left fork , but i just remembered that you sent lionel out searching for wood . '' i was only thinking about giving him a job so he could both earn his regular wage and get out of our hair . '' but i 'd hate like hell to run into him . '' jake adjusted his sunglasses , which made him look seriously hot , and glanced through the trees . `` do you have any idea which way he might have gone ? '' then she had an inspiration . `` but surely he 'll want to stay close to his truck so he wo n't have far to carry the pieces . '' jake 's smile flashed . `` an obvious point i completely missed . he 'll want to conserve energy . if we hike a good distance down the trail , either trail , we 'll be far beyond where he 'd go . '' she was dazzled by how gorgeous he was . the dappled shade lovingly caressed his broad shoulders , and his worn jeans seemed custom-made for his lean h*ps and tight buns . now that she 'd sampled the rugged beauty of a werewolf in human form , she could n't imagine being satisfied with anything less . jake would simply have to see things her way . `` then we 're off . let me know if i 'm going too fast for you . '' she blessed the long legs she 'd inherited from her mother 's side of the family . although she could n't match jake for sheer athleticism , she could keep up if he did n't go any faster than this . if she hoped to snag herself a werewolf , she 'd have to demonstrate some stamina . once again she wondered if the other humans tried to keep up with their more physically gifted mates or if they 'd reached an understanding about human limits . if there was n't a support group for human mates of werewolves , there should be . if jake could read her mind right now , he 'd have a stroke . but if he imagined that he had total control of what would happen between them , he had a lot to learn about her . `` what 's so funny back there ? '' she 'd just suggested that they should always tell each other the truth . time to put up or shut up on that score . `` i was wondering if there was a support group for human mates of werewolves . '' he came to such an abrupt halt that she almost ran into him . his shoulders rose and fell with his deep inhale and exhale before he turned to face her . with his sunglasses and forbidding expression , he looked like a cop about to hand out a ticket . `` that 's not the solution we 're going to choose for this problem .	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when i heard one of the newscasters mention the word shooting , my ears perked up and i couldnt tear my eyes away . in big bold letters at the bottom of the screen it flashed , shooter dead after attack in pontiac . my eyes widened in horror at the site as i watched a recap of what i couldnt see , only heard . my brother was dead ? why didnt anyone in this hospital tell me ? surely raptor , luke or vince knew about it obviously , and they just failed to tell me . my only blood sibling was gone . i studied the words coming out of the newscasters mouth as she reiterated the details of that day . how a young man in his 20s shot members of the band everlasting , injuring three of its members , who were now in stable condition at the hospital . my eyes flickered to where the cameras zoomed up on my lifeless body being rushed into an ambulance . i looked that bad ? i watched as the paramedics tried to stop the bleeding from my head and to check if i was still breathing . this was too much to take in , but when i tried to turn the channel , cales and tylers bodies came into view . tears were pouring down my cheeks . i barely recognized them , and when i tried to scoot to the end of my bed to get a closer look at them , they changed the topic to some other news story . without a knock , i heard someone strolling in on a wheelchair , my breakfast plate clattering along . when i turned to get a better view of who it was , i wanted to jump out of bed and hug the shit out of him . cale being strolled in his wheelchair by a younger male nurse . he was holding two breakfast plates , both consisting of eggs , bacon and a side of yogurt . the smile on his face and the gleam in his eye was priceless . this was the longest time we went without seeing each other since we first met , so it was definitely an adjustment . not a good one , to say the least . you look beautiful , were the first words uttered out of his mouth . that thing around your head is some fashion statement . here he was back to his typical smart ass attitude , but i had grown to get used to it . now i loved it . as soon as the nurse stopped cales wheelchair , grabbed the trays from him , and set them on my small table so i could eat from my bed , my hands longed to touch cale . the nurse helped cale out of the wheelchair and i scooted as close to the edge of my bed as i could so he could sit beside me . ill be back in a little bit to collect this man , the guy joked . doctors want to run another test before youre all released to make sure hes stable enough to go . thanks again , my man . ill save those front row passes for you when were back on the road . the guys face lit up instantly . i wish i dealt with more patients like you . he replied genuinely , giving me a small wave before running off . once the male nurse was out of ear shot , cale brought his forehead to meet mine . the only thing in between our skin was the bandage around my head , which i was sure the doctor was going to take off before i got released . before he could blink , my arms encircled him , trying to be as gentle as i could , knowing he had a lot more damage to his body than i did . i murmured against his ear . could be worse , he replied in a whisper , kissing me softly on my cheek . i think youre my remedy . my lips parted , and he took advantage of that to kiss me . it wasnt long , more like a peck , but that was all i needed . cale was okay , and we were all lucky we were doing as well as we were . im the one who landed you in the hospital . cale gazed into my eyes with a hint of frustration . do not ever blame yourself for what happened . you hear me , bryn schaefler ? they said i was lucky to be alive . i got shot centimeters from my heart . doctor said typically a lot of people die from a shot like that . this has been the worst few days of my life . i never stopped thinking of you , cale admitted . after i had my surgery to get the bullet out of my chest , the first words i said were , i want to see bryn . i hate not seeing you , knowing youre sitting here in this hospital bed in pain . i scratched my arm , leaning into cale . it was a minor concussion and loss of blood . this bandage is so uncomfortable . im ready to take it off right now and say screw it cale snickered . he whispered into my ear and said ill take more than that off . cale pelton i outta slap you for that ! but im too scared to even touch you unless its like , a fingertip . yup , he was back alright .	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then again , she was n't sure how typical the family could be when they al had the ability to shift into wolf form and race around in the woods . as she climbed the steps , she shivered . `` you'l be warm in a minute , '' aidan said as he climbed the steps behind her . but her shivers had less to do with the cold wind and more to do with anticipation of what she 'd find at the wal ace estate . and whether they intended to ever let her leave . aidan could sense emma 's nervousness despite her attempts to appear calm and in control . she took great interest in the plane 's white leather seats , which swiveled , reclined , and even folded flat for sleeping . or ... they could be folded flat for other , more interesting activities . aidan shocked himself by having x-rated thoughts about emma nakd at thirty thousand feet . he 'd helped her off with her coat once they 'd boarded , and for the first time today , he had the leisure to admire the fit of her soft white sweater and black slacks . he liked the way she looked in them , but he 'd love the way she looked out of them . it would n't be happening , even though they had a certain amount of privacy . normal y a flight attendant traveled with the jet , but apparently roarke had n't thought it necessary for this trip . roarke himself had immediately headed for the cockpit , obviously hoping to take the controls on the way home . theoretical y , aidan and emma were alone in the cabin , but that did n't mean they could strip and have at it . in fact , sex with emma might be a luxury he would never enjoy again , and he had to come to grips with that . in the next day or two , he needed to convince his parents that emma could be placed on something resembling parole , where she 'd be al owed the freedom to do her work and see her mother as she 'd requested . aidan had to assure his mother and father that emma could be trusted not to compromise the pack . if his parents thought lust was clouding his judgment , they 'd never go along with his recommendations . `` i can see why you like flying this way . '' emma chose a seat and strapped herself in . `` even if you do have to duck your head when you move around in here . '' `` there 's stil more of a feeling of space . '' he chose the seat facing her and fastened his seat belt . a lucite pedestal table separated them , but his knees came very close to touching hers . `` i like space around me . '' she settled back into the seat . `` is that a personal preference or a werewolf trait ? '' `` both , but the need seems to be stronger in me than most weres . roarke , for instance , drives a sports car and loves the cockpit of this plane . i 'd hate both things . his tolerance for smal spaces is obviously greater than mine . '' `` in other words , no two werewolves are created alike , '' she said with a smile . that smile of hers could be his undoing . now that he 'd kissed her so thoroughly and often , her smile made him want to do it again . if he could kiss her now , he would n't mind the dreaded takeoff so much . but they both needed to be belted in , and besides , kissing her would only begin a process he could n't finish , which might initiate a shift . he was n't about to give roarke the satisfaction of witnessing an embarrassing episode like that . so he 'd white-knuckle the takeoff . as the plane taxied down the runway and the familiar panic clawed at his insides , he closed his eyes and gripped the armrests . then her scent enveloped him , and his eyes snapped open . she 'd settled on his lap . `` emma , you should be- '' `` right here . you hate the takeoff , and i can help . there 's no bossy flight attendant to make me buckle up , so why not ? '' he wrapped both arms around her because he could n't help himself . `` i'l tel you why not . '' `` you sitting on my lap is a disaster waiting to happen . '' `` i think we have more control than that . '' i 'd no sooner demonstrated to you how the seats fold flat than i pictured you nakd on one . '' her lips curved in a saucy smile . `` so , i have total y corrupted you . '' he could n't resist that mouth , so he cupped her head and pul ed her lips down to meet his . kissing was one of the things he loved most about his human form . the missionary position was another . cal him sentimental , but he liked looking into his partner 's eyes during sex . he specifical y liked looking into emma 's eyes . kissing her sucked the panic right out of him and replaced it with good old-fashioned desire .	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she opened her mouth , wanting to tell him that in order to be ready for a christmas eve wedding , she would likely be working mornings , evenings and every minute in between . sleep would be a luxury , never mind taking the time to give him child-care lessons . but having him close enough that she could see the gold flecks in his chocolate-brown eyes and smell his cologne like it was a part of herself sent logical thought flying right out the window . `` all right , '' she agreed , almost as though someone else were speaking for her . his head dipped in what she thought was a nod , and then he lifted his gaze to hers . the heat and intensity there made her want to rear back ... but she could n't seem to move . `` i 'm going to kiss you now , haylie smith , '' he murmured in a low , mesmerizing voice . `` because i 've been thinking about it all night . i want to feel your lips , know what you taste like . '' oh , he should write greeting cards . his assertion melted her insides until she could barely hold herself upright . she knew she should say no , push him away , but darned if her body would listen to reason . instead , her lips parted and she whispered the only two words she could manage . haylie 's acquiescence was nice , but he did n't need it . at that moment , a herd of wild horses could n't have stopped him from kissing her . but even as trevor covered haylie 's mouth with his own , he knew he should n't be doing this . the obstacles between them were enough to add an extra mile or two to the great wall of china . he could n't have picked a more complicated woman to be attracted to if he 'd walked into a psychiatric ward and announced he would pay a million dollars for a willing bride . she was practically a stranger . she 'd shown up in his office with a baby she claimed was his-and her dead sister 's , no less . and that was just the tip of the iceberg . if bradley really did turn out to be his , then there was the whole custody issue to deal with . custody , and the fact that he did n't know the first thing about being a father . trevor would never be able to turn his back on his own child . say thanks for letting me know about my kid , but i 'm not interested in being a dad and be content with sending a support check every month to assuage his guilt . but he knew , with every fiber of his being , that if he voiced his desire to keep bradley and be a true father to the little boy , haylie would fight him every step of the way . she was bonded to the baby like nothing he 'd ever seen before . of course , given what he knew about her sister , he had no doubt that haylie had stepped in to mother bradley from the moment he was born . he admired the hell out of her for that . but it was definitely going to complicate matters if the tests came back positive and he asserted his parental rights . and still he kissed her . a soft brushing of lips at first , followed by a firmer pressing . she felt exactly as he 'd imagined she would-like rose petals or plush velvet . and she tasted even better . like the barbaresco they 'd had with dinner-spicy and tart , but with an extra-sweet tang that was uniquely her own . leaning in a few brief inches , he let his body rest against hers . from chest to thigh , they touched , heat swirling between them and sending their temperatures-or his , at any rate-skyrocketing . he brought his hands up , cupping her face and deepening the kiss . running his tongue along the seam of her mouth , he urged her to open for him . when she did , he delved in , groaning at the explosion of sensation that rocked him . so right ? haylie was not the first pretty girl he 'd ever kissed . far from it ; he 'd been with dozens-dare he say hundreds ? -of women . oh , he liked blondes well enough-as well as brunettes , redheads and everything in between . but where he normally did n't give much thought to a woman 's hair one way or another , he had to admit that hers was spectacular , all honey highlights , like a ray of sunshine trapped inside a glass jar . she was tall enough , about five-five to his six foot two . slightly shorter than his usual arm candy preferences , but the top of her head came to his chin , which he thought was pretty much perfect . he liked looking down at her , and the idea of having her fit against him just right when he tucked her close . her fuller , more rounded figure was also an unexpected turn-on . he was used to the stick-thin model sort ... high heels , high hair and size-zero bodies squeezed into belts that doubled as dresses that barely covered their rear ends . and always before , that had gotten his motor running .	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`` i still do n't believe this . '' it 's no weirder than anything else we 've seen today , '' dee said . `` but i only count eight worlds . where 's earth ? '' audrey looked around , then shrugged . `` maybe we do n't get to see that bridge until we finish the game . '' look , we wanted to walk between the worlds , right ? '' dee said , her eyes shining . `` and now we 're doing it . so-shall we ? '' she felt very tiny and insignificant standing here , and her throat was tight . and she had the feeling that it was going to be harder going down than going up-because now the fall was so much longer . it was hard to walk in the place between the worlds-physically hard . after two or three steps jenny began to feel muscle-burn in her calves and thigh muscles . she could hear audrey panting in front of her . and the barest glimpse of the fall on either side made jenny 's internal organs feel as if they were plunging out of her body . her legs wanted to freeze . she wanted to get down on her rump and scoot the rest of the way-no , get down on her stomach and slither . she was afraid she would faint . if i faint up here , i 'll fall . of course i 'll fall . nobody faints neatly forward . i 'll slide off the side . the moment the thought of fainting occurred to her , it blocked everything else out . just thinking about it made her dizzy . she was so scared of fainting , she felt like jumping . hysteria began to bubble up inside her . she should n't have thought about jumping . now she was afraid she would jump , just because the idea had occurred to her . she had to try not to think about it . think of tom , think of getting to tom . but the idea of jumping was now stuck in her mind . she started to picture it . she could get it all over with , turn to the side and just let go . god , no-she did n't want to , but she was afraid she 'd go crazy and do it . the voice came from her own brain , but it was so harsh it seemed alien . you keep on moving , girl ! jenny realized she was stopped , frozen . staring down at her own feet in their brown leather hiking boots , and the white ribbon of bridge , and the formless darkness on either side . the right foot . put out your right foot . but if i faint-or jump - you expect everybody else to face their fears , and you ca n't face yours ? you 're not your only master if you ca n't even control your own feet ! you 're just a coward ! the right boot jerked a little and stepped forward . the other boot came forward . jenny was walking again . she could do it-command her own feet . and one more step . do n't look to the side . there were only a few body-lengths of bridge in front of her . she could see where it ended . on legs that had suddenly gone weak as angel-hair pasta , jenny stumbled and fell onto safe ground . dee bent over her . weakly jenny patted one of dee 's hightops . `` i 'm terrific , thanks . '' `` i should n't have let you be last . jenny sat up and wiped her forehead . `` i did fine by myself . '' you seem to be doing a lot of that these days . '' jenny was very happy . they were across . she looked up so fast her vision swam . after the alien grandeur of the place between the worlds , it was something of a comedown . they were on the central island in the artificial lake at joyland park . the lighthouse looked the same as it had all night , white and shining . the park around them was a riot of lights-but ordinary lights , illuminating ordinary rides like the superlooper and the tumble-bug . everything looked very ordinary . behind her , the bridge arched gracefully over the lake water , and the water reflected a wavering arch back . there was no mist , and no sign of any other worlds . the top of the arch was n't more than forty feet high . `` a hallucination , i guess , '' audrey said slowly . `` one of julian 's things . and i suppose it must have been from me , since i 'm the only one who knew about those other worlds . '' she thought audrey must be right-but she was n't sure . and the truth was that they would probably never be sure . she looked back at the lighthouse . when she got up her legs were shaky , but she took the lead and dee let her . the lighthouse looked bigger as they got closer . it was life-size , with a widow 's walk around the top and a weathercock .	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`` if there 's ever anything i can do , you know all you have to do is ask . '' she reached across the desk to put her hand on his . `` i know , seth . then she leaned back , all business again . `` i 've already spoken to the city council about the possibility of you taking over the job . '' `` well i had to prepare , '' she said defensively . `` no one wants to bring in an outsider . my deputies are young and too inexperienced to take over as sheriff , and jimmy is too old . he just wants to get in another few years so he can take his retirement . if you want the job , it 's yours . the vote will just be a formality , but you already have them in your pocket . '' `` as soon as you can fill out an application so it 's official . there 's paperwork to do and the council will hold a meeting where they vote . i figure we can have it done in a few days , and you can take over in two weeks ' time . that 'll give me enough time to hand in my resignation and get my ducks in a row . '' `` i 'll be sad to see you go , lacey . '' `` i 'll be back to visit . i 'll always consider this my town . '' seth paused for a moment and then glanced back at her . `` do you think my ... relationship ... with lily is going to cause problems with me in this job ? '' lacey leaned back and studied him for a moment . `` i 'll be honest , seth . most folks around here are familiar with your upbringing and your mom 's relationship with your fathers . there was a lot of talk when it became obvious all those years ago , but it quickly died down and people here tend to mind their own business . your mom is dearly loved and your fathers are very well respected in the community . `` you 'll have a few folks who raise their eyebrows but most will take it in stride , but you just never know . my thought is , you keep quiet for now , finish my term and by the time you come up for re-election , let the chips fall where they may . if you do the job , i think that 's all that 's going to matter , and as i said , the people here really do n't want some hotshot from the outside to come in and take over the town . you 'll have two years to prove your mettle . then you 're just going to have to let the voters decide . '' i 'm not going to keep lily as some dirty little secret , and i know my brothers will feel the same . if it does n't work out , i 'll just have to find something else to do , even if it 's helping the dads out with their guide business . '' `` just do the job , seth . really that 's all you can do . and i have every confidence that you 'll win the support of the community in short order . you 'll have a few busybodies who 'll consider it their personal duty to stick their noses where they do n't belong , but f**k 'em . you do n't get to be sheriff here without alienating a few along the way . nature of the job . '' `` damn but i 'm going to miss you , lacey . '' her office door opened and linda stuck her head in . `` lacey , you 're needed over at old man witherspoon 's place . grundy 's dogs got out again and witherspoon is raising hell and waving his shotgun around . '' she rose and walked around her desk but stopped to hug seth . `` i 'm glad you 're coming home . i 'll feel a lot better about leaving if i know the town is in your hands . '' he hugged her back and felt the first tingle of excitement snake up his spine . he knew everyone here . had grown up a part of a tight-knit community . the idea that he 'd come back home and have not only this job , but lily ... how quickly things changed . he found he did n't mind one bit . chapter seventeen michael pulled into dillon 's drive and parked beside seth 's truck . he was running late and it was nearly dark . it figured that on an evening when he was hoping like hell to get out early , he 'd been flooded with last-minute `` emergencies '' . he mounted the front steps , and not bothering to knock , he pushed open the front door . he was instantly flooded with the smell of good food . whatever dillon was cooking , michael could n't wait to eat . his stomach rumbled as he glanced over to see seth and lily on the couch . seth was reclined on his side and lily was nestled in his arms , her eyes closed as seth stroked his hand up and down her hip .	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as he and rusty had suspected , they were the last of the kelly clan to roll in . the yard in front of his parents ' house looked like a used-car lot with all the vehicles scattered . by the time rusty got out , marlene was already on the porch , a look of exasperation on her face . `` you 're late , '' she called out unnecessarily . `` i 've held lunch for half an hour waiting for you two to make your appearance . '' `` i know , i know , '' rusty said as she hurried toward the steps . marlene kelly eyed donovan , who approached at a slower pace . he had his best puppy-eyed expression in place because it was one his mother could n't resist . judging by the resigned look she gave him , she well knew she was being manipulated . he dropped a kiss on her cheek after he mounted the steps . we 'll explain later . '' her expression immediately became worried and she glanced rapidly between him and rusty . `` you worry too much , ma , '' donovan chided . we 'll explain after we have the dinner you 've already held half an hour . no need to make everyone wait to eat when they 're probably all frothing at the mouth to taste your cooking . '' `` such a smooth talker you are . you know just how to appeal to my ego to get yourself out of trouble . it 'll wait , but do n't think i 'll forget ! we 'll have that conversation before you leave . '' would i hold out on you ? '' rusty laughed and the three entered the house , and donovan was immediately assailed with the smell of home . distant conversation . a child 's giggle . coming home never got old . every time he stepped into his parents ' home , he was immediately at peace . only today , he was n't quite as appeased as he 'd usually be because his thoughts were still occupied by eve , travis and cammie , who did n't have this . that sense of unwavering loyalty and unconditional love . and it made his chest tighten to think that only a few miles away was a run-down trailer filled with vulnerable people who were desperately in need . and indeed , his mother did have something up her sleeve . something more than the usual family gathering on sundays , when schedules permitted and none of his brothers were off on missions . it was evident in the secret smile she threw his dad as they all ate lunch around the huge oak table to which leaves had been added over the years as the family had expanded beyond its original size . now with all the wives and grandchildren , the table was massive in length , but his mother had been determined that everyone be able to sit at the table . there was no separation . no kids ' table to the side . everyone had a seat where she could look down the table and see all her children and grandchildren at a glance . his mother was fairly bristling with anticipation , which meant that she had a surprise for them all . he just wondered what the hell it was . it permeated the entire lunch . his brothers and their wives smiled and the conversation was animated . sarah and garrett were glued solidly to one another , sarah giving the big man a smile that likely melted garrett to his toes . sophie was glowing as she sat between her husband and their daughter , charlotte . sam touched her often . just a brush with his hand . or he 'd loop his arm around the back of her chair and pull her in close as they ate and laughed . joe seemed unaffected by the love and intimacy that was so evident between all their brothers and the women they loved . but donovan was envious . he wanted that for himself . joe was younger than donovan and his older brothers . though nathan , his twin , had settled down with shea , joe had shown no signs of wanting to do the same . he was in his early thirties now . nathan had been thirty when he and shea had met in a very unconventional fashion . it was still hard to believe that shea had such extraordinary abilities . that she 'd saved his brother . more than that , she 'd taken his torture and his pain . absorbed it and made it her own . donovan could n't fathom a woman who would be that selfless for someone she did n't even know . just a stranger that she 'd reached out to over thousands of miles that separated them . that bond between them had been strong and lasting . it had lasted until nathan had found her . and it was still present . and yet the family treated her just as they did every other daughter- and sister-in-law . seemingly oblivious to the fact that she had telepathy and shared a mental pathway with both nathan and joe . that they could speak through their minds in a much more intimate fashion . donovan envied that too . wished he shared that kind of bond with a woman he loved and who loved him .	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she supposed she could sell it but she knew she wouldnt get anywhere near the price shed paid for it and besides , she still wasnt ready to let it go if she was honest with herself . annoyed with herself as she realised she was once more immersed in thoughts of what might have been , ilona lifted her head high and determined not to think of john for the rest of the day . she began to march along the high street , frustrated at her lack of ability to bury the past but shed only gone a few steps when she stopped dead in her tracks . the high street in the centre of town was long and straight , giving clear views along its length . about a hundred metres from where she stood was a man walking in the same direction as she was . the brown leather jacket , the faded stonewashed jeans and the beige coloured shoes were all very familiar looking . she watched the way the man walked , swinging his arms as he went , very upright and confident . he looked so familiar ; the sandy blonde hair was an exact colour match and the way he walked was so like johns easy gait . ilona felt a crawling sensation cover her skin as a surge of adrenalin spiked through her . chapter seven ilona was frozen to the spot watching for any sign that it wasnt john ; a small difference in the way he swung his arms or bent his knees , but she found none . she began to hurry after him but the man was around six three , the same height as john , and ilonas short legs were no match for his lengthy stride . she broke into a jog as she attempted to close the gap , cursing the fact that she was wearing ankle boots with three inch heels . just as she was managing to make some progress , the man turned into a pub on the corner of high street and constitution street . ilona stopped running and walked the fifty metres or so until she reached the door of the bar , panting and slightly out of breath . dithering outside for a few moments , unsure of what to do next , she finally decided she had to go in for curiosities sake if nothing else . if it was john , she had no idea what she would say , if anything , but she figured she could easily walk back out again without saying anything . taking a deep breath , ilona hesitantly pushed through the green double doors that led to a dimly lit interior . once inside she paused and looked around her , taking in her surroundings as she searched for the man shed seen in the street . there was dark wood everywhere with dark green leather upholstery on all the seating and a panel of the same material running the length of the bar . its gloomy appearance didnt seem to bother the groups of customers sitting in the booths alongside the window and around the tables in the middle of the floor . their chatter was lively and interspersed with laughter . ilona noticed they were mostly men , with the exception of three women who had clearly stopped for lunch during a shopping trip . they sat in the booth closest to the door , their feet surrounded by shopping bags . after a good look at all the customers , ilona decided there was no-one who remotely resembled the man shed followed in so she approached the women and asked for directions to the ladies . two of the women carried on talking to each other while the third pointed ilona toward the far end of the room , telling her it was along the corridor behind the partition . trying to look disinterested as she scrutinised the mish-mash of people around her , ilona walked in the direction the woman had indicated but she couldnt see a partition . she could see two booths at the far end of the room which were partially obscured from her vision . glancing repeatedly over at the booths at the same time as trying to figure out where she was going , she nearly walked into a dark wood panel that jutted out at the end of the bar . ilona hadnt realised that it wasnt part of the wall . turning to the right behind the panel , she headed along a corridor toward the toilets figuring shed get a better look at the booths on the way back without looking so obvious . the ladies loos were as gloomy as the main bar , dimly lit and decorated in a dark red colour with the same dark wood doors and panels under the sinks . oh well , at least they went for a change of colour , and it smells nice and clean , she mused as she walked toward the sink and turned on the tap . she gave her hands a wash and opted for the paper towel method of drying while surveying herself in the mirror , critical of the dark circles and bags under her eyes . her poor sleep the previous night was very apparent . straightening up and pulling down her top she took a deep breath and headed out the door , hoping that if the man shed seen had been in the gents loo would be out by now . walking along the corridor , ilona had a clear view of the first booth , which was decidedly empty . as she came round the edge of the partition she saw that the other one was the same .	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he tossed it into the passenger seat , wishing he could smash it down on the road . damn his family . they 'd been a thorn in his side his entire life . he 'd known that if he came back to bluebonnet , they 'd crawl back into his life again . lazy , poor , trashy waggoners . his mother had n't been able to stand it-she 'd left when he was twelve , unable to handle looking after four waggoner boys and his father on a supermarket salary . she was tired of working so hard , she 'd told his dad . tired , and she was going to go find herself a nice sugar daddy that would take care of her . that was the last time colt had seen her . he had n't wanted to be part of that family after she 'd left . he 'd been unable to escape being one of the waggoner boys . the clothes that were handed down from his dad . the food stamps . the name calling from the other kids in town . the day after he graduated from high school , he 'd left to join the marines . and now , he was back and he was going to have to clean up their messes again . before they ruined his new life , and his relationship with beth ann . he 'd just have to tell her the truth , as soon as he got his father squared away . even when colt was growing up , henry waggoner 's home had been a shithole . colt had n't seen it in almost nine years , and wondered if his memories had made it worse than he 'd thought . it was just as bad as he recalled . the road was little more than potholes-the city would n't maintain this far out . it was up to the residents to have gravel poured every couple of years , but anyone that lived out here could n't afford something like that . his jeep bounced down the rutted dirt road . his father 's old mailbox popped into view down the road , and colt pulled up next to it and stared out at the yard , his lip curling in disgust . when colt and his brothers had been boys , they 'd played among the broken-down cars on cinderblocks . they 'd collected aluminum cans to bring in a few extra nickels . they 'd chased one another through the high weeds and made forts out of scrap metal and old , discarded tires . now , when colt looked across the yard , all he saw was trash . his father owned three acres and had set his trailer back at the edge of the property , away from the junk . but the junk butted up to the trailer now . colt parked and picked his way toward the trailer . busted cars , bikes missing wheels , piles of piping lay scattered amid thigh-high weeds . there was a stack of tires that was easily thirty deep . an old tractor that looked as if it should have been torn apart for scraps balanced precariously on two wheels , the other side half buried in dirt and grass . every inch of his father 's yard was covered in garbage . that must be roscoe . he 'd been little more than a puppy when colt had left , and he 'd been furious-once again-that his dad had spent several hundred dollars on a hunting dog rather than fixing the leaking roof on the single wide . `` he can help us catch dinner , '' his father had proclaimed proudly . colt had n't understood it then . hell , he did n't understand it now . no one in his family seemed to take responsibility for their poor living situation . the money for the dog could have bought t-shirts for his little brothers . but they were n't mad , either . they 'd been thrilled that they had a dog . and that was just one memory out of dozens . his father had made a living when he was younger selling scrap metal and fixing junkers , or if they could n't be fixed , tearing out the useful parts and selling them . people had always dropped their broken shit at henry 's trailer , and eventually it 'd be cobbled and used up and taken away . but it looked as if henry had let things pile up . colt was revolted . he pushed to the front steps and noticed several bags of trash sitting next to the stoop . colt knocked again , harder . he could hear the radio on . he glanced back at the road-his dad 's junker truck was there , so he had to be home . he banged on the door one more time , and the dog began to bark loudly . colt sighed and pushed at the door knob . he took a step in , then squatted as roscoe came up to him , dancing with excitement . the dog 's muzzle was gray with age , and he looked a little worn out . roscoe barked a warning , then licked colt 's outstretched hand . he smiled , petting the dog on the head .	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one arm tightened around her while he pierced her skin and drank . the fight no longer mattered . the abused , broken women winked out of existence . the warden and the demons and the rain of black blood became inconsequential . all she cared about , all she could feel was logan 's mouth tugging on her throat , his tongue stroking her skin and his body growing stronger as he held her . his mouth pulled away and she sagged in his hold , unwilling to step back away from him . `` you 're safe now , '' he whispered into her ear . hope looked up . the warden had made quick work of the demons , and what it had n't killed , the sun had left smoking in ashy piles . the women were huddled together nearby , safely inside logan 's shield . at some point , he 'd moved her into the shadows , leaving that glowing beam of sunshine . one of the steel walls of the building was buckled in . a truck had rammed into it , breaking it open from the outside . a tall woman in black leather stood next to a man with a sword . her hand was raised , and a few feet away , floating inside a giant , translucent bubble was the warden . `` cover your ears , '' shouted the woman . logan 's hands came down over her ears an instant before an enormous boom shattered the warden into pretty shards of crystal . `` clear , '' yelled the woman . `` friends , '' said logan a bit too loudly , as though he could n't hear himself . `` handy friends . '' the woman tossed logan a metallic survival blanket folded into a neat rectangle . `` cover up . nicholas is waiting outside with the pink-haired girl . '' relief weakened hope for a moment , but she suffered through that weakness , thankful that her friend had been spared . unlike sister olive . the nun 's body was where krag had dropped it , staring up into the sunlight . grief choked hope and she had to swallow twice to ease the tightness in her throat . `` i have to take care of her . '' we wo n't leave her here . '' `` you go ahead and get out of the sun . i 'll take care of her , '' said hope . it was only fitting , since sister olive had taken care of her all these years . logan touched her face , so gently it brought tears to her eyes . my friends will care for you . '' his tone sounded suspiciously like a farewell . `` will you come find me after sunset ? '' one of the others will take you to eric . she grabbed his arm to keep him from walking away . `` i do n't want eric . his gaze roamed her face as if memorizing it . and then he turned and walked away , huddling inside the metallic blanket and out of sight . hope stood there , letting the chaos pass around her . it had n't been a lie . she would have seen that kind of deception flare in his aura . sadly , love was n't as important to him as duty . and because she loved him , she had to let him do what was going to make him happy . being with her was n't it . chapter 31 not even the heavy lethargy of midday could lull logan to sleep . it had been three days since he 'd slept , three days since he 'd last seen hope . tynan had taken over her care , ensuring she did n't ovulate while logan 's blood was still pumping through her system . tynan had also seen to her placement in project lullaby . he and alexander had arranged for her meeting with eric . reportedly , she 'd tried to kill him with a butter knife . tynan said he had another man in mind for her-one a bit more refined and less barbaric . whomever the man was , logan hoped he knew how lucky he was . logan rose from his bed , washed , dressed , and went upstairs to find something to occupy his thoughts . hope was probably already with this man , starting her new life with him . forgetting all about logan and the time they 'd shared . jealousy twisted inside him , grating against his already raw nerves . it was unfortunate that jealousy would get them no closer to discovering why the power in hope 's blood seemed to cling to logan 's cells . none of the other sanguinar had been able to extract any power from the blood he 'd offered them , and they needed to determine if this was a new development . if so , their job of finding rich blood sources was going to become much more difficult , since no one sanguinar could dependably identify a source . he went to tynan 's lab , hoping to offer his services in some way . the need to be of use and end his heartache gave him a sense of urgency he could n't contain , but he could n't stand the thought of being around people right now .	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`` i 'm sorry , but if you 're going to be in my caves , i have to up the security on your supplies . '' `` you really think i 'd go against you like that ? '' it 's what we have in common . '' even as he said it , tam knew it was n't all they had in common . besides jack and the other cycler that was about to be history , cain was one of the very few beings in existence who could really understand . chapter five father hadrian sat at the table , his expression blank of emotion . anthony had started the meeting , and the demon leader was late again . bringing anthony down was the right thing to do . the vampire king 's increasing control was worse than the sacrifice of the humans finding out . the humans had known hundreds of years ago , and the world had survived . it would survive again , and the vampires with it . anthony had to be stopped , or hadrian 's race would end up slaves to their king . `` father hadrian ? '' he looked up , not betraying his thoughts . an impatient expression painted the king 's face . `` what did you get from the old woman luc brought in ? `` she remembered seeing a delivery man . it may have been the cycler , but the details were too fuzzy . you know how fickle the memories of the elderly are . i erased her memory and sent her home . '' she 'd seen jack clearly . the rest , about erasing her memory and sending her home was true . he would have had the old woman for dinner except she had n't done anything wrong . as a rule , he only fed from the guilty and then only killed the unrepentant . everyone was repentant when their life was at stake , but hadrian could see inside to their true feelings . he knew which ones to save and which to damn . the vampire king nodded and went back to his presentation . hadrian had chatted with cole while waiting for the meeting to start . the werewolf pack alpha was the key , the only person with a way into the demon dimension who was n't an actual demon . the rooftop door banged against the brick wall as cain made his fashionably late entrance again . he carried a plastic storage bag with something that looked like old paper in it . `` so glad you could join us , '' anthony said , `` i was just about to ask for luc 's report from your investigation . '' `` father hadrian could n't get a clear image of the cycler 's face , so he erased her memory and sent her home . '' hadrian held cain 's gaze steadily even though he felt the demon 's suspicion . the guy was far too old to be tricked for long . cain broke eye contact first and put the scroll on the table , piercing the sorcerer with an intense look . `` dayne , can you do a spell on the memory of the blood ? '' `` could n't tam do it ? she 's much stronger than me . '' `` no doubt that 's true , but ... '' he faltered . there was something in the demon 's body language that sent hadrian 's flags up . did cain have some particular attachment to the witch ? if so , it would make the plan more complicated . `` but ... '' dayne prodded . `` she refused for personal reasons . can you do the spell ? '' `` scrying is n't my strength . seeing the past is far more difficult . the blood has dried and several hours have passed by now . it 's a long shot , but i can try . '' the demon passed the scroll across the table , right past hadrian . dayne and greta got up . jack was slipping , taking too many risks . they were too close for that . if they were going to unseat anthony from power , the cycler had to be more careful . `` maybe i should go with them , '' hadrian said , wanting to monitor the situation . cain 's eyes narrowed , and hadrian could practically see the wheels in his head turning . `` for muscle . they 're carrying a sensitive document . '' `` i do n't think so , '' anthony said . `` of course , '' hadrian said , inclining his head . he would happily die for the cause if necessary , but not until the time was right . if dayne 's spell succeeded , it would implicate hadrian before he 'd reached his goal . he 'd been at jack 's hideout for the slaying . he 'd kept to the shadows , out of the cycler 's way , but if blood could have memories , he would be seen . the whirring of the overhead projector snapped hadrian out of his thoughts . anthony had a transparency up and was laying out a detailed plan-for everyone 's protection , supposedly . he 'd seen anthony 's interpretation of protection , and he did n't like it . `` as i 'm sure many of you know , this has spread beyond just local media .	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my trait 's not super unusual , but none of the other kids in the community have it , as far as i know . to most humans , it would be a freak skill , like some kind of mega-esp , so i 'm even less likely to tell them ; sometimes i get caught up in being human and it seems freaky even to me . and it 's not as useful as you might think . still , knowing it can be done means i usually tell the truth , myself . so i said to landon , i 'm not interested in going anywhere with you . he gave me a little sneer , and stuck his hand in chris 's back pocket , while watching me to see if i noticed . i did n't even bother to look away . after a minute mrs. gerber came in and the guys went off to their seats . which were far away from me , praise jesus and all his reindeer , while danielle 's was up front but closer . i sat through geography , and snuck a lot of looks at danielle , and a few at landon , and did n't learn much from the lecture . i guess it might be good one day for me to know where yemen is , or what its capital is . but the odds are if i ever go there , it will only be as an army draftee , if we screw up the middle east worse than we already have . hopefully that wo n't happen . and unless i get drafted , well , my people do n't tend to leave their community , so i knew chances were i 'd live in the good ol ' u s of a , probably right here in angelwood , for the rest of my life . it did n't inspire me to pay attention . i began planning my date with danielle . it 'd been a while since i 'd done that with a girl , and i 'd learned a thing or two since then . and not just what you 're thinking . for a bunch of years i did n't use my truth reading skills much around my friends . i did n't always want to know if they were messing with me , ignorance sometimes being bliss and all . but i 'd wanted to do right by landon , as my first serious crush . i 'd paid attention , and learned to use my talent now and then to tell how much truth was in his voice , so i could treat him the way he needed . so i 'd know the difference between when he said , that 's fun , and meant it , and when he said , that 's fine , and did n't . tonight was going to be all about making danielle happy and paying the right kind of attention . even if she was too good for me in the long run , i was determined to make a hell of a first impression . **** i picked danielle up at her house at six . we were gon na eat and then catch the movie . i 'd washed the car , and even cleaned all the crap out of the backseat . girls care about that kind of thing . well , landon had cared too he 's kind of a picky bastard but after we split , i 'd taken to tossing all sorts of stuff back there , just because i could , maybe . for danielle , i 'd made it all nice again . she looked great , in a cream-colored sweater that showed off some of her assets , and a short denim skirt that bared others . yeah , maybe i should be singing praises to her eyes or something , but the first thing i thought when i saw her was that she was smokin ' hot . and i was gon na say so to her , because i 'd figured out landon used to love that kind of thing , when he got me worked up enough that i 'd actually tell him that stuff out loud . i started with , holy sh ... crap ! her mom was only a few feet away , and she followed danielle out onto the porch . i rephrased to , you look great . danielle gave me a wicked smile that her mom could n't see . her mom said , now you remember you have a midnight curfew . and if you need a ride home or anything , you just call , and i 'll always come get you . she said , mother ... all drawn out like that . but i 'd heard the truth in that , where her mom really would come get her , anytime . it made me miss my mom a little , so i said , not to worry , mrs. davidson . i do n't drink or smoke or nothing . danielle 'll be safe with me . danielle stepped on my foot , and she was wearing these killer heels , so it hurt like hell , but her mom looked pleased . she said , your name 's jerrod , right ? jerrod lane . it 's good to meet you , jerrod . and damn me if there was n't truth in that too .	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the one pivotal point in her plan was that everything come together quickly . one blazing night of passion could easily be dismissed and forgotten . but if she were to continue to invite him back one night a month , several months running , then he just might catch on to what she was doing . still , when it had come to interpreting her actions in the past , steve had shown a shocking lack of insight . thankfully their troubles had never intruded in the bedroom . their marriage relationship had been a jumbled mess of doubts and misunderstandings , accusations and regrets , but their love life had always been vigorous and lusty right up until the divorce , astonishing as it seemed now . * * * at precisely seven the following evening , carol walked into denny 's restaurant on seattle 's capitol hill . the first year she and steve had been married , they 'd had dinner there once a month . money had been tight because they 'd been saving for a down payment on the house , and an evening out , even if it was only saturday night at denny 's , had been a real treat . two steps into the restaurant carol spotted her former husband sitting in a booth by the window . she paused and experienced such a wealth of emotion that advancing even one step more would have been impossible . steve had no right to look this good - far better than she remembered . in the thirteen months since she 'd last seen him , he 'd changed considerably . his features were sharper , clearer , more intense . his lean good looks were all the more prominent , his handsome masculine features vigorous and tanned even in december . a few strands of gray hair streaked his temple , adding a distinguished air . his gaze caught hers and carol sucked in a deep , calming breath , her steps nearly faltering as she advanced toward him . his eyes had changed the most , she decided . where once they had been warm and caressing , now they were cool and calculating . they narrowed on her , his mistrust shining through as bright as any beacon . carol experienced a moment of panic as his gaze seemed to strip away the last shreds of her pride . it took all her willpower to force a smile to her lips . `` thank you for coming , '' she said , and slipped into the red upholstered seat across from him . the waitress came with a glass coffeepot , and carol turned over her cup , which the woman promptly filled after placing menus on the table . `` it feels cold enough to snow , '' carol said as a means of starting conversation . it was eerie that she could have been married to steve all those years and feel as if he were little more than a stranger . he gave her that impression now . this hard , impassive man was one she did n't know nearly as well as the one who had once been her lover , her friend and her husband . `` you 're looking fit , '' steve said after a moment , a spark of admiration glinting in his gaze . a weak smile hovered over her lips . how 's the navy treating you ? '' `` are you still on the atlantis ? '' carol groped for something more to say . `` it was a surprise to discover that lindy 's living in seattle . '' `` did she tell you she married rush ? '' carol noted the way his brows drew together and darkened his face momentarily when he mentioned the fact . `` i did n't realize lindy even knew rush , '' carol said , and took a sip of the coffee . `` they were married two weeks after they met . lord , i ca n't believe it yet . '' that does n't sound anything like rush . i remember him as being so methodical about everything . '' steve 's frown relaxed , but only a little . `` apparently they fell in love . '' carol knew steve well enough to recognize the hint of sarcasm in his voice , as if he were telling her what a mockery that emotion was . in their instance it had certainly been wasted . sadly wasted . that was the important thing as far as carol was concerned . `` they went through a rough period a while back , but since the mitchell docked they seem to have mended their fences . '' carol dropped her gaze to her cup as reality cut sharply into her heart . `` that 's more than we did . '' `` as you recall , '' he said harshly , under his breath , `` there was n't any fence left to repair . the night you started sleeping with todd larson , you destroyed our marriage . '' carol did n't rise to the challenge , although steve had all but slapped her face with it . there was nothing she could say to exonerate herself , and she 'd given up explaining the facts to him more than a year ago . steve chose to believe what he wanted . she 'd tried , god knew , to set the record straight . todd had been her employer and her friend , but never anything more .	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he probed , keeping his voice casual . `` two men kidnapped me after school , took me to an abandoned house and locked me in a closet until dad paid the ransom . '' the explanation was so brief as to be ridiculous ; how could something as traumatic as a kidnapping be condensed into one sentence ? she was staring at the rain now , her expression pensive and withdrawn . grant knew too much about the tactics of kidnappers , the means they used to force anxious relatives into paying the required ransom . looking at her delicate profile , with the lush provocativeness of her mouth , he felt something savage well up in him at the thought that she might have been abused . he was no longer concerned about maintaining a casual pose . the harshness of his tone made her glance at him , vague surprise in her exotically slanted eyes . `` no , they did n't do anything like that , '' she assured him . `` they just left me in that closet ... alone . and to this day she was afraid of the dark , of being alone in it . so that was the basis for her fear . `` tell me about it , '' he urged softly . `` there is n't a lot more to tell . i do n't know how long i was in the closet . there were no other houses close by , so no one heard me scream . the two men just left me there and went to some other location to negotiate with my parents . after awhile i became convinced that they were never coming back , that i was going to die there in that dark closet , and that no one would ever know what had happened to me . '' `` your father paid the ransom ? '' dad 's not stupid , though . he knew that he was n't likely to get me back alive if he just trusted the kidnappers , so he brought the police in on it . it 's lucky he did . when the kidnappers came back for me , i overheard them making their plans . they were just going to kill me and dump my body somewhere , because i 'd seen them and could identify them . '' she bent her head , studying the ground with great concentration , as if to somehow divorce herself from what she was telling him . `` but there were police sharpshooters surrounding the house . when the two men realized that they were trapped , they decided to use me as a hostage . one of them grabbed my arm and held his pistol to my head , forcing me to walk in front of them when they left the house . they were going to take me with them , until it was safe to kill me . '' jane shrugged , then took a deep breath . `` i did n't plan it , i swear . i do n't remember if i tripped , or just fainted for a second . anyway , i fell , and the guy had to let go of me or be jerked off balance . for a second the pistol was n't pointed at me , and the policemen fired . they killed both men . the ... the man who had held me was shot in the chest and the head , and he fell over on me . his blood splattered all over me , on my face , my hair ... '' her voice trailed away . for a moment there was something naked in her face , the stark terror and revulsion she 'd felt as a child ; then , as he had seen her do when he 'd rescued her from the snake , she gathered herself together . he watched as she defeated the fear , pushed the shadows away . she smoothed her expression and even managed a glint of humor in her eyes as she turned to look at him . `` okay , it 's your turn . tell me something that happened to you . '' once he 'd felt nothing much at all ; he 'd accepted the chilled , shadowed brutality of his life without thought . he still did n't flinch from the memories . they were part of him , as ingrained in his flesh and blood , in his very being , as the color of his eyes and the shape of his body . but when he looked into the uncommon innocence of jane 's eyes , he knew that he could n't brutalize her mind with even the mildest tale of the life he 'd known . somehow she had kept a part of herself as pure and crystalline as a mountain stream , a part of childhood forever unsullied . nothing that had happened to her had touched the inner woman , except to increase the courage and gallantry that he 'd seen twice now in her determined efforts to pull herself together and face forward again . `` i do n't have anything to tell , '' he said mildly . she hooted , shifting herself on the ground until she was sitting facing him , her legs folded in a boneless sort of knot that made him blink . she rested her chin in her palm and surveyed him , so big and controlled and capable . if this man had led a normal life , she 'd eat her boots , she told herself , then quickly glanced down at the boots in question .	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charlie sagged in defeat as she was turned to face her uncle , his man symes , and a grim looking carland who now sauntered toward them . `` you see , carland , i told you all would be well . you can many the chit now without delay . '' he cannae , '' the fisherman snapped , drawing all eyes . `` i 'll not marry her to anyone else today . '' uncle henry beetled his eyes at the man . `` the devil i do say . i canna marry someone who 's already married , and she is already married '' `` you mean to say that that is charlotte ? '' seguin gasped , grasping the implication of what the fisherman was saying . `` why , she looks like a boy . '' his lecherous old eyes moved to his bride with new possibilities shining in them . `` do you wear breeches too , my dear ? '' `` she is not already married , '' uncle henry snapped impatiently , ignoring seguin 's lascivious wonderings . the fisherman 's eyes narrowed , his mouth firming into a straight line . i presided over it myself not more than twenty minutes ago . '' charlie gave a start at that , her eyes widening incredulously . he must be talking about beth , she thought . her sister should have been married several days ago and be back in london by now . carland murmured in a threatening tone . `` well , it just is not so , '' her uncle gasped . `` can it not ? twenty minutes ago is about when we learned she had escaped . '' `` aye , but '' he was sputtering in his panic . `` who could she have married ? '' charlie gaped at radcliffe who now filled the entrance to the little building . and why did the man in blue think ? he had paid the man off , she thought , then noticed with surprise that tomas and stokes were flanking him . she caught a quick glimpse of a slender lad behind them . 'that 's him ! '' the fisherman agreed . `` i hitched these two to each other not a quarter of the hour ago . it 's registered right here all good and proper . '' `` henry , '' carland growled . blanching at the cold fury on carland 's face , henry turned to charlie . `` why , you little '' he began , raising his fist to hit her . radcliffe was there before he could finish either action or words , grabbing his fist in his own much larger one and startling the older man into silence . `` you will not speak to my bride that way . '' henry reacted first with alarm , then a certain craftiness entered his eyes and he even managed a conciliatory smile as he glanced toward carland . they may have married , but they could not have possibly consummated it yet . we can take her back to london and have the king dissolve what was done . then you can marry her yourself . '' `` you will not be taking her anywhere , '' radcliffe corrected , crushing the hand he held . `` and the wedding was consummated before the fact . she is no longer a virgin . '' uncle henry must have already been paid and spent the money carland had promised for the privilege of marrying her , charlie decided when her uncle winced in pain . still , the man continued to plead with carland . `` he is lying . if you would just call your men and '' `` i need a goddamned heir , henry . i 'll not take the chance of her carrying another man 's brat . her uncle was beginning to look quite sick with panic when symes suddenly moved forward , tugging a sack from his doublet . `` lord seguin gave me this as agreed when he collected lady elizabeth , my lord . '' uncle henry nearly fell upon the man with relief . `` oh , symes ! how clever of you to think of that now . here you are , carland . '' he took the sack from his man of affairs and handed it over . `` seguin was paying the same amount for elizabeth that you were for charlotteso it should all be here . '' `` it had better be , '' carland said coldly , pocketing the bag . charlie turned to find beth now standing in the entrance . she was dressed in the lavender gown charlie had packed away in the satchel for her to be married in . if it had been her sister she had glimpsed dressed as a boy earlier , she must have changed faster than she had ever done before in her life . still , that did n't startle charlie nearly as much as the fact that her sister was backed by mrs. hartshair and her children . was everyone here ? uncle henry breathed the name in honor . seguin gaped from her to the veiled woman he had just married . who are '' `` i tried to tell you , '' bessie wailed . `` so did i , '' charlie murmured archly .	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and i wo n't allow your friends to get involved in this . '' `` they 're your friends too , '' micah said . `` they 're loyal to you , micah . they feel a certain responsibility to me because of my association with you . '' `` let 's not argue , '' she pleaded . `` i need help planning a way to get out of town unnoticed . he would n't expect me to put together a plan this fast . if i could leave tonight , i 'd get a jump on him while he 's still so pissed about missing me at the club . '' micah closed the distance between them again . you are n't leaving , angel . i bailed on you once . `` guilt is bullshit , '' she snapped . `` fuck guilt . guilt is n't what i 'm feeling right now . i 'm so pissed i ca n't see straight . you think i 'm thinking about david right now ? or hannah ? or the fact that i walked out on you when you needed me the most ? i 'm thinking about what would happen if that bastard got his hands on you . i 'm thinking about how the fk i 'm going to keep you safe . i 'm thinking about how i can keep you close and not take you over . '' her belly fluttered in awareness and a tingle snaked its way up her spine . he looked so furious , so intense . so focused on her . she shivered as goose bumps raced across her arms , her brsts , beading her n**ples into tight little knots . `` you 're so sure that i 'm a mindless puppet who 'd be content to let you pull my strings , that i 'd be some brainless rag doll . no wonder you do n't want me , micah . i would n't want me either if i thought those things . '' `` i do n't think that , '' he growled . `` i 'm capable of making my own decisions . david did n't raise me to be a fool . i know precisely what i 'd be walk ing into with you , and yet you 're so determined to be noble and save me from myself . personally i think it 's all bullshit . you 're not saving anyone but yourself . you 're scared of the way i make you feel because you do n't want to feel anything . okay , fine , but quit being a coward and pretending this is all about me and what i 'm not getting . man up and tell me you do n't want me , but quit making excuses . '' for a moment she thought she 'd pushed him too far . he stepped forward and she retreated . they repeated the process until her back met the wall and there was nowhere else to go . he pressed against her , his body melding with hers . `` oh , i want you , '' he said in a hoarse , raspy voice . `` i want you so goddamn much i ache . but i ca n't give you what you deserve , angel . all i can offer you is sex . i ca n't be any more honest than that . you deserve more than that from a man-any man . but i can only give you so much . '' `` if that 's all you have to give then that 's what i 'll take , '' she said calmly . micah swore and looked away . `` goddamn it , angel . send me packing . tell me you never want to see me again . find a man who can give you everything , body and soul . tell me no . '' she reached up to touch his lips . `` i 'll never tell you no , micah . you think i do n't know you , that i do n't understand you , that i ca n't handle what you 'll throw at me . he placed his hands on either side of her neck , his thumbs brushing her cheeks , his fingers thrust into her hair . `` be sure , angel girl . be very sure this is what you want . there 's no part of you that wo n't belong to me . '' her heart did a crazy flip and damn near burst out of her chest . `` do n't you know , micah ? his pupils flared , and a predatory light gleamed in his dark eyes . `` you go nowhere and i mean nowhere without me until we nail this bastard , '' he said . `` there 'll be no more talk of you leaving . you 're mine and i protect what 's mine . '' she swallowed and nodded , her eyes never leaving his . `` we ca n't stay here , but until i work something out , you 'll stick with me at all times . '' there was savage triumph in every line of his face , the look of a predator who 'd captured his prey . she might not mean anything to him on an emotional level ... yet , but he wanted her , and pure male satisfaction greeted his conquest . her own savage satisfaction gripped her , spreading like wildfire through her soul .	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he wore boots and leather leggings , and apparently this was enough to protect him , for he truly did not seem to be suffering any pain . he simply stood there , immovable , allowing the girl to wear herself out . having just jogged across the bailey up the stairs and around the room several times , it did not take the child long to give up . apparently , seeing how ineffective her attack was , she then tried to squeeze her way around him to reach the door handle . godart let her , but was leaning against the door so it did her little good . after tugging uselessly for several minutes , she turned to glare around the room . `` your brother said that i may handle the matter of your kicking me in greeting , '' murie said , drawing the girl 's gaze . `` i would prefer to be friends with you and even proper sisters . however , if he does not feel i handled it effectively , he shall surely punish you himself and no doubt much more harshly than i would , and then you would no doubt blame me and never be willing to be friends with me . `` i am sure he will think helping cecily and i clean this room is punishment enough , '' she added quietly . `` and that way , perhaps we could talk , and you could get to know me better and decide if you might wish to be friends . '' the girl hesitated , scowling . `` i do not want to be friends . and once you get to know me , you will not wish to be friends either . '' `` oh , that is where you are wrong , '' murie assured her , moving to collect the linens from where she 'd set them earlier . `` i already quite like you . '' a glance to the side showed the girl looking uncertain . `` juliana asked suspiciously . `` because you remind me of myself at your age . '' this comment made the girl 's eyes widen in complete and utter disbelief . before any doubt could be voiced , murie announced , `` i too was orphaned at the age often . '' that made the girl pause , so murie continued : `` my mother fell ill with the red plague . '' `` the smallpox ? '' juliana asked uncertainly . murie carried the linens to the bed . `` the servants were afraid of contracting it and neglected her terribly . when my father found out , he took over her care ; trying to get her to eat , cleaning her sores and bathing her to try to bring down her fevers . he stayed with her night and day , neither eating nor sleeping himself so that , by the time she died , he was sick as well and too weak and exhausted to fight the illness himself . he went very quickly . '' `` my father nursed my mother as well , '' juliana said quietly , automatically taking the end of the linen murie handed her . `` she had childbed fever , though , and i do not think men get that . '' `` nay , '' murie agreed . `` but you went to court , '' juliana pointed out , her eyes narrowing . `` and the king is said to have spoiled you . '' `` aye , i was sent to court to live with my godfather the king . and aye , 't is said that he spoiled me . however , the truth is , the king was always terribly busy and had very little time for me , '' murie assured her . while the king had spoiled her and his own children when at court , until the plague hit , edward had very rarely been there . usually he 'd been mounting some campaign or other in scotland or france . murie could count on the fingers of one hand how many times she 'd seen him during her first five years at court . `` what of the queen ? '' habbie asked , reminding murie that the men were still present . she did n't mind , however ; the stable master had asked the question , but his gaze was on juliana , trying to gauge how she was reacting to the news . `` the queen was very busy too , '' murie said quietly . `` and then , she already had children of her own to tend , and between that and state business she had little enough time for another child . i was pretty much on my own at court except for my friend emilie . '' murie commented when juliana remained silent , `` gatty seems very nice . '' `` aye ... but she has her own children , too , and everyone here is always busy . frederick is my friend , '' juliana added quietly , as murie folded the edge of bed linen under the straw-stuffed mattress and then imitating the action herself . `` and what do you and frederick do to have fun ? '' murie asked , moving to the foot of the bed to tuck in a corner . the girl began to talk , and murie glanced toward the men and nodded silently . after a hesitation , they nodded back and reluctantly left the room .	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you need to get out of the cold . i had no idea you 'd come . i 'd hoped you would . if i 'd known , i would have been here . '' she took his arm , dragging him toward the entrance . when they met the doorman , she thrust her chin up , daring him to pass judgment . `` this is jack . i 'm giving him a key . if i 'm not here and he needs in , you 're to let him pass . '' the doorman respectfully nodded . `` of course , miss willis . '' she hurried jack toward the elevator and winced as he dripped all over the inside . he was shivering and he looked even thinner than the last time she 'd seen him . had he been eating anything at all ? she should have looked after him better . should have made more of an effort to make sure he was taken care of . she had so much now and it killed her to think of jack still on the streets . not when she could provide a place to stay and food to eat . `` nice place , '' jack muttered when she shoved him inside her apartment . go into the bathroom and take a hot shower . i 'll lay out some of jace 's clothes . they 'll be big on you , but they 'll at least be warm and dry . '' again that crooked grin as she bustled him into her bedroom . `` jace the guy who hooked you up with all of this ? '' bethany softened , a smile curving her lips . he 's a good man , jack . jack reached out to touch her cheek . `` i 'm glad , bethy . `` so do you , '' she said fiercely . his smile was sadder this time . i never meant for you to be involved . '' `` i know , '' she said in a soft voice . get a shower . i 'll fix you something to eat , okay ? '' as jack disappeared into the bathroom , bethany pulled out a pair of jace 's jeans and one of the t-shirts he 'd left in her apartment . she found a pair of socks that would fit jack , wanting his feet to be warm . she needed to buy him new shoes . the ones he wore now were threadbare , the soles coming off and there were holes . they were no barrier to the cold . after leaving the clothing where he could find it , she went back into the kitchen . she pulled out bacon , a carton of eggs and some ham and cheese . an omelet would be quick and it had lots of protein . she busied herself with the preparation and by the time jack reappeared , dressed in jace 's clothes , she had his plate ready . `` you want juice or milk ? '' she asked when he took a seat at the bar . i 'll drink whatever . '' after pondering a moment , she pulled two glasses down and poured a glass of each . the extra nutrition certainly would n't hurt . `` i ca n't stay long , '' jack said . he was already digging into the omelet with gusto . bethany cringed to imagine when his last good meal had been . `` i have shit to see to . i just wanted to see you and leave my pack here , if that 's all right . '' `` of course it 's all right , '' she said . just some things i need to take care of and i did n't want to have my pack . could get stolen out there . always someone wanting what someone else has . '' he was vague and it bothered her . `` what 's in the backpack ? '' he ignored her question and then reached into his pocket . he pulled out a pill bottle and her stomach clenched . `` i got these for you , bethy . i know you need them sometimes . '' her heart began to pound when he slid the bottle across the counter . `` still , they 'll be here if you need them . '' she asked , dread crowding her chest . `` how could you afford that ? tell me you did n't borrow more money . '' he glanced up , swallowing the last bite of his omelet . `` i did n't borrow money . he hooked me up . '' `` jack , you ca n't keep doing this . you know it 's no good . i do n't want you taking drugs either . `` the way we 've been living is no way to live . we survive , bethy , we do n't live . and sometimes the pills make the surviving a little easier . besides , you may have moved up in the world , but i have n't . '' `` do you really think your new boyfriend is going to want me hanging around here ? think about it , bethy . what man would want his girlfriend 's homeless brother as excess baggage ? you ca n't be that naive . '' she sucked in her breath as pain exploded in her chest . `` you know i wo n't choose between you two .	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his nervousness came through the line , so sweet and , at the same time , a hair irritating . as a matter of fact , i just ate a nice breakfast , and i think i 'm ready to go running . '' in that case , i wo n't keep you ... but , hey , uh , i was wondering , would you like to have dinner ? '' she pierced her mom with a look , her words and advice stuck right where she 'd left them , on lena 's conscience-just letters , do n't lead him on . if it was n't phillip-please not phillip , ugh . `` i 'm sorry phillip . i , '' she cleared her throat , `` i have other plans . and i think it 's better if i just hang out with the family for now . recuperating and all that . do n't want to over-do it . '' she knew how it sounded , but wanted to be kind , too . `` i do n't think it 's a good idea to lead you on , phillip . i do n't think i 'm very good dating material right now . '' phillip was silent for a moment , and lena had the urge to clear her throat again . she could have let him down in person . `` i 'm sorry- '' `` do n't be . `` yeah , '' she answered , even though it sounded like the empty promise it was . if he wrote the letters , she would have to rethink a year 's worth of obsession because when it came right down to it , there was no spark . love handles notwithstanding , there had to be more passion than irritation . all of the above , with the possibility of highly disappointed . lena quietly set the phone back on the hook . her soul felt heavy , and resentment nestled against her heart . her mom came over and gave her a hug from behind . shaking her head , lena broke away . `` i 'm going to run . '' running cleared her head . when she was running , nothing else mattered . right now , she needed a little of nothing else matters . chapter four zack worked to keep the excitement hemmed in as he stared at his now silent cell phone . a contract with west coast security to develop a program for a company out of sacramento . it would mean some travel time , but most of the work could be done at home . zack clapped his hands and rubbed them together . back in business . he let his grin go and hollered . he liked the idea of working with a team again . this was what he 'd needed to get a fire under him . glancing up , a movement outside the window above his desk caught his eye . this really was his lucky day . lena ran down his street in running pants , a sweatshirt , and sneakers . her hair was pulled into a ponytail and hung down her back , bouncing with each tread . a run sounded like a great idea . at the porch , he pulled on his winter hat and scanned the block . just down the street , she turned the corner into the neighborhood park . he tied his shoes in record time . the air was cold and invigorating . a deep breath had him smiling as he took to the street . he 'd gotten lazy since being home . he 'd feel this workout , no doubt . zack tried to start slow and warm up to the idea , but every second it took him to reach that corner was a chance he 'd lose her altogether . so he picked up the pace , feeling the stretch in the back of his legs as he took the dirt trail into the park . the trail wound its way through the gently sloping terrain , which was covered by trees along the river . lena ran ahead of him by twenty yards or so . each step closed the distance until he finally came up beside her , elbowed her , and grinned . she stumbled and sucked in a breath . quickly re-establishing her pace , she peered from the corner of her eye . suspicious , as usual . zack focused on the trail ahead of them . soon , they were running in rhythm . neither trying to out-do the other . even when they 'd been stationed together , her drive had n't come from proving herself or comparing herself to the male majority . he , on the other hand , enjoyed the slower pace . they left the park behind and turned down main street , heading back toward her family home . he whistled to get her attention , and when she frowned his way , he nodded toward the cafe . she shook her head , her frown becoming a scowl . just when he thought she would blow right by the small shop , lena rolled her eyes and stopped . `` you 're a distraction , zack benson . '' the muscles he had n't warmed up before running ached with renewed fervor at the unexpected halt . he stretched when she did and walked with her , pacing in front of the store to cool down .	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maybe i am , he says again , sweating immensely and utterly lost . he needs some help , though if things continue as they have all morning , its unlikely hell get any . nevertheless he decides to ask again and approaches another one of the local , flat-roofed , high-walled , yard-free and fully insulated houses . like nearly all the others in saudi arabia , its beige . like the sand that blows across the desert all day long , and into his windows if left open on a windy one . there is no car in the driveway , in itself not too revealing , but its hard to tell about these folks . he probably shouldnt even be doing this , but he desperately needs to find where mr. x lives , and soon . he ringssss . bonggggggg bongggggg sweating at the door again are you , looking for other than a way in ; looking for somewhere else , it seems , nowhere that you know of . bonggggggg bongggggg you dont even have a map ; youre soaked in sagging slacks ; standing at another door you continue , knowing nothing of where you are . he hears voices on the other side , some children . someone is approaching the door . ahlan wa sahlan . a mid-forties man is looking into raifes eyes nervously . dont get many whites knocking around here . it seems as if in the course of trying to locate one mr. x , of whom it is said he lives near here , i have inadvertently , that is to say , with no intention , seem to have the mans eyes become cloudy . managed with considerable effectiveness to wander from the path which if followed , should have deposited me at the place for which , having already begun , i am no longer continuing in a direction likely to be described as correct , at least it would seem that the adjective correct would be an incorrect choice in this case . eng-lish ? this time raife says it slowly . halas halas . how should i interpret halas in the present context , i.e. , your having said it to me just now , twice in a series . halas ? if in saying halas twice in a series you intended to convey a specific meaning , what might that meaning have been , forgetting momentarily all other possible meanings associated with halas ? mafi englizi . the man shrugs his shoulders , a dubious look spreading over his face . raife bows , smiles and says shukran and leaves discouraged from yet another unsuccessful attempt to locate the house to which now going , he does so without direction . whats the matter with these people ? it seems to be the same thing every time . he asks where mr. x lives and they stare at him aimlessly , or look aimlessly past him until at some point a word of no utility for his present purpose emerges and he leaves again , defeated , having gotten no closer to his goal . useless , he thinks . another drop of sweat grows visible on the end of his nose and he wipes it away before it can break loose , wondering in the process if theres ever an end to it , the sweat that is . he imagines there probably is , likely about the same time as his end the two somehow related in time and space . though which , he wonders , would come first : the last drop of sweat or the last breath ? they would ask at his funeral , the last drop of sweat or the last breath ? why , we would need to gather evidence in order to satisfy that query , and its unlikely to be the case that evidence can be obtained so long after the subject has expired . indeed , the question will remain forever . we dont know which came first . we can assume on behalf of local environmental constraints which event may have preceded the other . it would be an untestable hypothesis , of course , which technically means its not even a hypothesis , doesnt it ? already we have begun to tire about this sweat-breath question . theoretically we could test it , given the appearance of a volunteer , though of course one is unlikely to volunteer for an experiment which would require the cessation of all known personal life processes , and in the desert . theoretically it is possible that one might volunteer for such an experiment . the problem then would be in finding this individual . it is not theoretically possible that something unlikely to be done would be done by one so unlikely to volunteer . i suggest we dispense with this question and continue on with more weighty matters . if a man dies in the desert and no one is there to recover the body , can it be known at precisely what time he had urinated last ? raife looks around , wondering if theres any place to pee . there isnt , of course , unless he would like to return to his own place , something unlikely since he has no idea where it is . there are no public toilets here , though on the beach , wherever that is , there are many .	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i 'm not a normal person , though , and the shit i saw in afghanistan rendered my ability to feel fear impotent . i shift my weight and adjust the boys and my semi-hard dick . i 'd have to be inhuman to not be horny after watching the half-dressed drunk girls rub themselves on anyone who might buy them a drink . i should feel bad about that , but i do n't . before my tour overseas , i would n't have been caught dead with any of them . but after being overseas for three years , my penis is n't listening to reason anymore . it knows what i need . i sigh and adjust the constraining crotch of my jeans again , before taking another deep breath , then another . my dick starts to calm down and my claustrophobic feelings begin to fade . one of the many things i brought home was claustrophobia , and it 's not even the predictable kind where i 'm afraid of small spaces . it 's the random kind that can strike at the strangest times , like in the middle of a crowd . i toss down the cigarette and grind it out with my heel , then pull out another , lighting it up . it 's a bad habit i brought back with me , along with a couple tattoos and the tendency to wake up in a cold sweat from crazy-ass nightmares . `` you know those will kill you , right ? '' i startle to attention , my head snapping around to find the soft voice in the dark . a woman steps closer and i ca n't believe that i did n't see her approach . we 're the only two people in an isolated alley . how could i have missed her ? my senses have seriously dulled since i 've been back stateside . she 's a tall , willowy bombshell , the kind of woman who stands out in a crowd , let alone an abandoned street . blonde hair falls halfway down her back and wide eyes stare at me . her full lips are pursed , as though she 's trying to decide if it 's safe to be out here . and it 's not , especially for a woman who looks like she does . `` do n't you know walking alone in a dark chicago alley is more dangerous than a cigarette ? '' i gaze at her levelly as i take another drag on my smoke . she does n't look afraid at all as she shrugs . `` either of those things has to be better than being crushed to death in there . '' she gestures toward the closed club door in disdain . she 's wearing the right clothes to be here ... tight pink leather pants , a cream-colored halter top , equally tight , and a pair of extremely high glittery heels . as i examine her , i notice that she 's not wearing a bra under her light-colored shirt . somehow that looks out of place on her , as though she does n't fit the slutty clothes . the problem is , the slutty clothes definitely fit her , in all the right places . my dick lurches back to life as my gaze skims over her curved hps and tight ass . `` in that case , want one ? '' i offer her the pack . she looks surprised , then chuckles , shaking her head . i 'm already in the alley alone . i think that 's enough of a risk tonight . '' i grin back as i tuck the smokes into my pocket . `` but you 're not alone now . she eyes me and i can see now that her eyes are blue . `` somehow , '' she says thoughtfully , `` i doubt i 'm any safer . '' `` somehow , i think you 're right . '' the funny thing is , she does n't look worried . in fact , she steps closer and leans against the filthy brick wall beside me . even under the yellowed dingy streetlight , she looks flawless . `` you 're going to get dirty , '' i point out . she looks up at me innocently , her blue eyes wide . `` i like getting dirty sometimes . '' and then she grins a wicked grin . i feel like i 've been sucker-punched as all the air whooshes out of my body . a suggestive grin like that on this runway model is too much for my logical thought processes to overcome . my good sense has apparently been hijacked by my hormones . tossing the smoke down on the sidewalk , i grind the heel of my boot into it . i do n't know what the f*k i 'm doing , but i do n't much care at this point . i 'm horny and she 's gorgeous . that 's a perfect arrangement if i ever saw one . the air between us practically crackles with sexual attraction . i look down at her and as i do , i let myself lean into her . she 's soft and she smells even softer . `` i 'm gabriel . '' `` i 'm madison , '' she answers . she has n't looked away from me even once . she 's definitely into me , although god knows why .	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deftly , before she even realized his intent , he switched their positions so that she was between him and the door . only where she had kept her distance from him , he crowded into her space again , anchoring one big hand on the door by her forehead and arcing the other arm on the door above her head . she tried to shrink away but found herself effectively pinned to the spot without him even touching her . in spite of that , her breath caught in her chest , heat pooled in her belly , and something snaked down her spine that left a trail of heat in its wake . `` like i said , this event tonight is a very big deal for me , not only because it raises money for a cause i respect , and not only because i 'm one of the biggest , if not the biggest , donors . '' he dipped his head lower to hers , his voice going steely and cool . `` but even more important than that right now , if i do n't show up or , worse , if i show up without a date , it 's going to look like i 'm not there because i 'm hiding out . or , worse , that i ca n't get a date . '' she swallowed with some difficulty , then pointed out , `` but you ca n't get a date . '' quickly , she added , `` not that that 's my fault , since my book is a work of complete fic- '' `` so i need to be there with a date . because showing up with a beautiful woman on my arm will prove there are still some people who do n't believe a word of your damned book , and there are still beautiful women who are willing to be seen with me . '' color her shallow , but it took a moment for violet to move past the word beautiful . in her sushi pajamas ? then she remembered that both times he 'd seen her before this evening , she 'd been arrayed in thousands of dollars ' worth of gorgeous rented clothing and accessories and artfully applied cosmetics . all modesty aside , she supposed she did clean up rather well . still , it was obvious that his beautiful-both times-had been for raven french , not violet tandy . then she moved on to the rest of his statement and realized a number of problems with it . `` okay , first , '' she said , `` you showing up with the author of the book is n't going to do anything to dispel the so-called rumors that people think you 're a character in the book . '' `` i wo n't be showing up with raven french , '' he said . `` i 'll be showing up with violet tandy . '' so did that mean those beautifuls had been for her , after all ? and why did that make something inside her go all warm and fizzy ? who cared what gavin mason thought of her ? the guy was a neanderthal when it came to women . `` you ca n't show up with violet , '' she said . `` violet does n't have anything to wear to a high society party . '' `` because violet does n't go to high society parties . '' violet only attends private parties , does n't she ? i guess the attire for that would be a bit limited . no more ms. nice guy . splaying both hands open on his chest , violet pushed gavin with all her might . the action must have caught him by surprise , because he actually stumbled backward a step or two , looking at her in disbelief when he finally came to a halt . before he had a chance to trap her again , she strode defiantly into the middle of her living room to put more distance between them , then spun around to face him . `` you are not going to stand here , in my home , and impugn my reputation . '' a deep , full-throated laugh that came from somewhere deep inside him , sounding rich and dark and , well , kind of sexy , truth be told . violet had always loved hearing men laugh , because they so seldom did , most of them . and gavin 's laughter was in keeping with the man-confident , powerful and larger-than-life . `` i impugn your reputation ? '' he managed to say through his laughter . `` sweetheart , you 've done a fine job of that all by yourself . this may come as a shock to you , considering the world you live and work in , but even in today 's decadent society , women who take money in exchange for sex do n't have a reputation to impugn . it does n't matter if you are making money now with ... a different body part . once a prostitute , always a pros- '' `` i am not a prostitute ! '' she shouted at the top of her lungs , hoping , in hindsight , that her downstairs neighbor was n't home . `` you know , you 're not helping your own cause here if you expect me to do you a favor . '' `` it is n't a favor , '' he said , completely unfazed by her outburst .	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she couldnt have visitors for one more month , but she did get phone time . i called and told the receptionist who i was and who id like to talk to . there is a list for each patient of those who are allowed to call or visit . i was the only one on hers . i tried to sound upbeatit was hard . hi baby girl . your mama is doing okay . i got almost two months under my belt . ive gained a few pounds , my hair stopped falling out and my skin looks awesome . im so glad to hear that youre acclimatizing there . how is the staff ? yes theyre really nice and holly , im glad you made me do this . i laughed , mother , you did this ; i didnt make you do anything . all of this hard work is on you . i would have never done it if not for your urging . most adult kids would have taken off by now and let me sort it all out , or drink myself to death , whichever came first . i love you too , holly . thank you again for sticking by me . i was getting teary eyed again . okay , enough mushy gushy stuff . tell me about the facility . what is your day like ? they keep us really busy . holly , i cant even imagine what you had to pay for this place . you must be working double time . im so sorry mom , happy stuff , remember ? okay , she said with a chuckle . well , were on a pretty tight schedule monday through friday . on monday i have my one on one therapy . my therapist is so nice , and shes been in recovery for ten years herself . she really knows what shes talking about . then i have a few groups and on tuesday and thursdays i do yoga and friday , acupuncture . i get a massage on the weekends and they let us go on outings to the beach . i cant believe youre paying for all of this oh mother , hush . i want to pay for it . it seems like a great place . im so glad that theyre helping you out . they are , honey . ill probably always crave it but theyre teaching me how to push those cravings aside and move forward . hows your work coming along ? i didnt tell her about aiden , or about not working at the caf any longer . i rubbed my hand across my still flat belly and thought the time will come when i wont be able to hide it any longer . for now , i didnt want to worry her . its going fine , mom . you know same old we talked for a while longer and after a while , i felt myself feeling better , calmer somehow . my mother hadnt had that effect on me since i was a kid so it was definitely a good thing . that night when i lay down to go to sleep i had decided to go talk to aiden the next day before my doctors appointment . maybe he had an explanation *** i got up early the next day and the first thing i did was check my phone . i was really surprised that aiden hadnt called . was i just fooling myself again ? did he really care that little that the fact id left didnt faze him at all ? i took a cab to the penthouse and was greeted warmly by the doorman as usual . when i got upstairs , i could tell that something was wrong as soon as i walked in . for one thing , all of the curtains were drawn . it was the middle of the day but it was as dark as night inside the apartment . i switched on a light and was greeted by the grumpy and annoyed voice of my employer . i said , turn it off ! i did as he asked , or demanded i suppose . he said , his words slurred . i was hoping that we could talk , i said . i moved closer as my eyes adjusted to the dim light . when i got close enough i could see that he was still in the same clothes hed left the house in yesterday morning . his collar was open and his tie was askew . his hair was disheveled which it rarely ever was and he had a ten oclock shadow on his face and an almost empty bottle of bourbon sitting next to a glass on the table next to him . youre drunk , i said . it just came out because i was so surprised . im an adult , i can get drunk if i damn well please . aiden , this isnt like you . how do you know if its like me or not ? maybe this is what i do . you dont know me holly ; you only think that you do . okay , i said , still trying to stay calm and avoid a drunken confrontation . i should have said that ive never seen you like this . maybe its not about what happened , but what didnt happen . were two months into our contract and nothing is happening . ive had my fertility checked , holly . my swimmers are fine . maybe i should have had yours checked too . that was a failure on my part .	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my phone is ringing on the dresser . i try to ignore it and lose myself , but it rings again . annoyed by the intrusion , i finally snatch up the phone and check the screen . seeing his name on the display is like a cold shower . hes left three voicemails and i see seven missed calls . hes been trying to reach me ever since i left the club with cam . he gets so angry when i dont answer my phone . shaking with anxiety , i bring the phone to my ear and press play on the first message . his voice comes angrily . you cant just take off with any random guy who comes along . paxton was totally pissed that you bailed , and you embarrassed me . i promised him a good time tonight . i could hear music and noise in the background ; he must have called from the underground as soon as i left . now , hes even more furious . slurring , drunk . you selfish bitch ! paxton and i were working out a deal and you totally blew it for me . you better come home right now , isabelle . you dont want to fucking see what happens when you pull this shit with me . i delete it . then i listen to the last message . brents tone has changed . hes all honey and sweetness now . playing the nice guy . but i know its just an act . isabelle , my darling sister . why arent you taking my calls ? ok , i admit i went a little overboard . maybe i misjudged the situation . i thought you understood what we were doing in the club . thought you would enjoy it , a fun little fantasy . i see that now and im sorry . ill make it up to you , i promise . i throw the phone down in disgust . brent thinks his half-assed apology will make up for the way he treated me ? it always did before . a voice in my head reminds me that brents screwed up in the past . over and over , and ive always forgiven him , every time . no wonder he thinks a few sweet words will make me come running back to him . anger rises inside of me . he pushed me too farand forced me to face everything ive been ignoring all along . how selfish he can be . how he treats me like a plaything , and expects me to take it all without a word of complaint . ive been blind to it , still acting like that nave sixteen-year old who worships the ground he walks on . feeling like i owe him for every good thing in my life . but im all grown up now . and i realize something : ive changed . cams face flashes in my mind . that moment with him in the bathroom may have been a humiliating mistake , but it showed me a passion ive never experienced with brent . even knowing that cam wants nothing more to do with me , it makes me realize that i cant settle for less anymore . brents been your whole world for years now . without him , youre all alone . what makes you think youre strong enough to get by on your own ? the whispers of insecurity flutter around me . but as i pull on a nightgown and slide into bed , i dont feel afraid . somehow , knowing that cam is nearby , i finally feel safe . six : cam i dont sleep . i have black-out curtains , the latest in hi-tech white-noise machines , and a mattress imported from italy and molded to my exact body shape , but all the expensive toys in the world cant block out the thought of her sleeping just down the hall . i try to justify it with logic . shes a beautiful woman , im a red-blooded man . this desire is perfectly normal . except its not , not for me . im used to being in control : executing every scene with careful thought and planning . last night , i wanted to throw her down and fuck her like a wild animal : no rules , no contract , no control . demand her submission with my body instead of my mind . but shes off-limits . its not just that shes ashcrofts daughter , its that she needs me to protect her . she probably didnt even know what she was doing , kissing me like that . shes still recovering from her ordeal at the clubthe last thing she really wants is another man . besides , i saw the fear on her face when she was restrained . how she couldnt get away from brent fast enough . she thinks the scene is repulsive and wrong . if she knew what i wanted to do to her , she would never speak to me again . my alarm finally pulls me out of hours of restless thought . i go straight to my home gym and put in a few miles on the treadmill , running hard to chase the lustful thoughts from my mind . after my workout and a quick shower , i head downstairs . usually i head straight to the office , but today i decide to fix some food . isabelle felt alarmingly frail in my arms ; she would probably live off coffee without my intervention .	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we always used to sweat like bitches at the club . all the men clapping and everything . now , lip liner . lets just change the shape of the mouth , shall we ? '' she drew in a huge exaggerated bow , blotted it out , added more foundation , and then started painting with a little brush . suzie closed her eyes and tried not to sneeze . `` blot , outline , blot again , apply colour with lip brush , blot carefully , seal and finish with gloss . martin should be ... ah , here he comes now . were decent ! '' martin edged through the doorway carrying a large cardboard box . `` ooh , arent we looking glam ? '' he exclaimed with a tight smile . `` i brought a few . just so we could try things out . '' nearly finished here . do you want the nails or is that enough ? ive got a set of stick-on ones here . fine for photos . ready polished , very quick to apply . '' `` um , no , thats fine , '' said suzie . she felt breathless and unreal . `` lets have a look at these wigs , then , '' said candy . `` we 're looking for a neat bob . sort of 30s thing , id say . '' martin opened a slim box and produced a mass of curls . `` thought youd say that . '' he laid it aside with a sigh and opened the other boxes . all the other wigs were shoulder length and brunette . various sizes and shades . '' they held first one and then another beside suzies face and she couldnt really see much difference between them , but apparently candy and martin could . `` clashes with the lips , no ? '' `` hmmm , this ones nice ... '' `` way too young . '' `` now , heres a nice little ... '' `` wouldnt a fringe be easier ? not so much plastic skin ? '' `` nah , centre parting . '' finally they agreed and candy pulled the chosen wig over suzies hairnet and started pinning it in place . `` hold still now , im just going to deal with this hairline . '' suzie kept her eyes shut . mostly because her eyes were watering again and she was afraid her contacts might fall out . `` all done ! you can look now ! '' said candy happily . suzie slowly opened her eyes and gazed at herself in the mirror . her reflection was still out of focus , but from what she could make out , she didnt look the slightest bit like blanche . she looked like a cheap tramp . `` it wont look like that in the photos , '' said candy . `` most of this slap will disappear under the lights . '' suzie just stared at the mirror . `` why dont we do a few shots and you can see ? then if you still hate it , we can tone it down a bit . lets just do a few headshots , okay ? come through this way . '' numb with disappointment , suzie followed them back into the studio and perched on a tall stool . `` hand there . other hand behind you . thats it , '' said martin , arranging her limbs . `` legs to the side , just twist the torso ... good . just hold that . '' he disappeared into the darkness and suzie clenched her jaw so as not to burst into tears . `` head down , eyes to me . shoulder forward . '' `` candy , you 're genius . just come here and look . '' candy gazed at the television screen while martin fiddled with his camera . he said standing back proudly . gasped candy . suzie got off her stool and went to see what they were looking at . sulky , provocative and assured gazing moodily over one shoulder into the camera ; her dark eyes piercing , her beautifully painted mouth full , glossy , and sensuously curved . martin flicked through the shots , and they were all just as extraordinary . in the dark studio , blanche seemed to explode out of the screen . `` you are seriously photogenic , '' said martin . `` shall we try a couple with the lingerie ? go and find her something , candy - maybe gold or pink , warm tones ... ill just touch up the lighting on the chaise . '' mute , suzie followed candy back into the make-up room and this time her reflection in the mirror was crystal clear . blanche stood there , her skin creamy , her eyes dark , her hair glossy , and a curious expression on her face . `` blimey , theyre really good shots , '' said candy . `` who would have guessed ? i can normally tell whos going to seduce the camera , but youre a dark horse , arent you ? '' `` i do look different , dont i ? '' `` about as different as anyone could without surgery , '' said candy . `` but you know , if you want this disguise to work youll have to bin all that old 60-denier . woolly tights are only for schoolgirls and very old ladies .	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so do i like you wanting to see him ? that 's instinct . but there 's more , you know . i do believe that he 's a dhampir again . adrian 's words had me more curious than ever now . `` but just because he is n't a strigoi does n't mean it 's entirely gone from him . adrian could see my mouth opening in outrage . `` i 'm not saying he 's evil or means to be evil or anything like that . but what he went through ... we really do n't know much about the changing process . what effect did that kind of life have on him ? are there violent parts of him that might suddenly lash out ? that 's what i 'm worried about rose . i know you are n't going to be able to help yourself . you 'll have to see him and talk to him . that 's what no one knows . we do n't know anything about this . we do n't know if he 's dangerous . '' christian had said the same thing to lissa . i examined adrian intently . it sounded like a convenient excuse to keep dimitri and me apart . yet , i saw truth in those deep green eyes . he was nervous about what dimitri might do . adrian had also been honest about being jealous , which i had to admire . he had n't ordered me not to see dimitri or tried to dictate my behavior . i extended my hand and laced my fingers with adrian 's . he 's ... sad . sad for what he 's done . the guilt 's killing him . '' i probably would n't forgive myself either if i suddenly realized i 'd been brutally killing people for the last four months . '' adrian pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head . `` and for everyone 's sake -- yes , even his -- i really hope he is exactly the way he was . `` i will , '' i said , kissing his cheek . `` inasmuch as i ever am . '' he grinned and released me . `` that 's the best i can hope for . for now , i 've got to head back to my parents ' for a little bit . i 'll come back for you at four , okay ? '' is there anything i should wear to this secret party ? '' `` nice dress clothes are fine . '' `` if this is so elite and prestigious , how are you going to get a lowly dhampir like me in ? '' adrian reached for a bag he 'd set down upon entering . curiously , i opened the bag and gaped at what i saw . it was a mask , one that just covered the top half of the face around the eyes . it was intricately worked with gold and green leaves and bejeweled flowers . `` we 're wearing masks to this thing ? what is this , halloween ? '' `` see you at four . '' we did n't actually put on the masks until we arrived at the death watch . as part of the secret nature of it all , adrian said we did n't want to call any attention to ourselves while going to it . so we walked across the court 's grounds dressed up -- i wore the same dress i 'd worn to dinner at his parents ' -- but not getting much more notice than the two of us usually did when we were together . besides , it was late , and a lot of the court was getting ready for bed . our destination surprised me . it was one of the buildings that non-royal court workers lived in , one that was very near mia 's . well , i supposed the last place you 'd look for a royal party would be at the home of a commoner . except we did n't go to any of the apartments inside . once we stepped into the building 's lobby , adrian indicated we should put our masks on . he then took me over to what appeared to be a janitor 's closet . instead , the door opened to a staircase leading down into darkness . i could n't see the bottom , which put me on high alert . i instinctively wanted to know the details of every situation i entered . adrian seemed calm and confident as he headed down , so i took it on faith he was n't leading me to some sacrificial altar . i hated to admit it , but curiosity over this death watch thing was temporarily taking my mind off dimitri . adrian and i eventually reached another door , and this one had two guards . both men were moroi , both masked like adrian and me . their postures were stiff and defensive . they said nothing but simply looked at us expectantly . adrian said a few words that sounded like romanian , and a moment later , one of the men unlocked the door and gestured us inside . `` secret password ? '' i murmured to adrian as we swept past . `` passwords , actually . every guest has a unique one . 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tripp grinned as he slipped the phone back in his pocket . you 'll have a good paying job and you can stay in my condo there free of charge . i 've been needing to send someone over to check on it . with you there you can take care of things . it will help me out . then the best bonus , you 'll be living near one of the most beautiful beaches in the south . go find yourself while in the sunshine , della . '' woods i paced back and forth in front of my desk . every now and then i glanced down at the diamond ring sitting in the center of it . i also knew i wanted to throw it as far out into the damn ocean as i could . this was my dad 's not so subtle hint . i 'd gone to him yesterday to ask him when i would get to move on from management to take my place as a vice president of kerrington country clubs . this was his answer . i had to marry angelina . i did n't want to marry her . she would make me miserable . i 'd finally given in last month and had sex with her again . she 'd shown up at my house in nothing but a tiny red nightie , dropped to her knees , and sucked my dick . between getting my cck sucked and the whiskey i 'd been chugging i 'd f*ked her several times that night . problem was the only way i 'd managed to get off was by picturing the pretty blue eyes of della sloane 's looking up at me . angelina 's practiced cries of pleasure turned me off . she was practiced in faking it . she did n't like sex . i knew her type well . i was n't my father . i could n't marry for money and connections and then have a woman on the side . it always made me angry that my parents screwed up marriage did n't seem to affect them . it completely messed with my head . if i was going to tie myself down to one woman and be faithful to her the rest of my life for the sake of my rightful place in the family business , i was n't sure i wanted in . fuck all this shit . my dad was always controlling me . a knock on my door stopped my endless pacing and silent ranting . i grabbed the ring and shoved it into my pocket . i did n't need this getting out . and god help me if that was angelina . `` come in , '' i called out and took a seat behind my desk . jace , my best friend since boarding school , opened the door and stepped into the room . `` hey , i thought you 'd join us on the course for a round this morning but you never showed . '' i needed to talk to someone about this but i was n't sure i was ready . jace would tell me to leave town and let them figure this shit out on their own . he 'd been rebelling against his father 's wishes for years now . `` i got busy , '' was my only response . he walked over and took a seat across from me . jace did n't ask me for favors often . i leaned back in my seat and waited . this had better not be about getting his girlfriend , bethy who was also one of my beer cart girls , off work early . we had a rush in the evenings and i needed her . `` i got a call from tripp , '' he started . tripp was his older cousin . he 'd graduated a couple years before us but we 'd had one awesome year in boarding school together before he left . i had n't seen him since he packed up and left town five years ago . i 'd always liked tripp . he had n't wanted to bend to his parents ' demands either so he 'd just left . he 's in dallas now . i need to make it out there and see him . he did n't come to boston this christmas with the rest of the family . i do n't expect he 'll be coming around anytime soon . uncle robert is n't happy with him . '' i did n't imagine robert newark was happy with his only son . he was supposed to inherit the prestigious newark and newark law firm located in the heart of manhattan one day . his grandfather had built the firm from the ground up . but tripp had n't wanted to be a lawyer . he 'd wanted to travel the world . `` anyway , there 's this friend of his . she got mixed up with their boss at the bar and come to find out he was married . she did n't know and she needs to get out of town and heal and shit . he asked if he could send her here . he said she was an excellent waitress . she was a hard worker and she was never late . he also said she was gorgeous and the men here would tip her well . he 's letting her stay at his place since it sits empty all the time but she needs a job . 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and when she paused to comment on a dragon banner a man had painted in support , the artist nearly passed out that someone like her would notice and compliment him . `` this is unprecedented , ' remarked my mom , once they 'd safely made it inside . `` there 's never been this sort of turnout . there certainly was n't during the last election . ' `` why so great this time ? ' asked lissa , who was trying to get her breathing under control . `` because there 's so much sensation , between the murder and you muddling the law . that and ... well , the way you 're winning the hearts of every non-royal out there . the dhampirs too . there 's a dragon sign in one of our coffee rooms , you know . i even think some of the royals love you , though maybe it 's just to spite whatever family they 're feuding with . if this were up to all of the people and not just the council -- and well , if it was a vote you were eligible for -- i think you 'd win . ' lissa grimaced but then reluctantly added , `` honestly ? i think we should have popular votes for our leaders . every moroi should cast a vote , not just a handful of elite families . ' `` careful there , princess , ' teased christian , putting his arm through hers . `` that 's the kind of talk that 'll start another revolution . one at a time , okay ? ' the ballroom 's crowd was n't as crazy as the outside one had been -- but was pretty close . the guardians were ready for the numbers this time and had made sure to keep strict control from the very beginning . they kept a tight count of how many were allowed in the room and stopped royal and non-royal squabbles . it was still intimidating , and lissa reminded herself over and over that playing this role was helping me . for me , she would endure anything , even the fanfare . this time , fortunately , lissa was swept up pretty quickly to the room 's front , to where three chairs facing the crowd had been set up for the candidates . rufus and marie were already seated , speaking in low voices to a few select family members . guardians stood around them . lissa sat alone , of course , but nodded to nearby guards when tasha approached . tasha crouched beside lissa , speaking low and keeping a wary eye on rufus as he talked to someone . ethan says daniella was there that night . she and tatiana met alone . he did n't realize it had n't been put on the records . someone else wrote those up on behalf of all the guards on duty , but he swears he saw daniella himself . ' lissa winced . secretly , she 'd been hoping -- praying , even -- that she 'd made a mistake , that surely adrian 's mother could n't have done this . she gave a swift nod to show she understood . `` i 'm sorry , ' said tasha . `` i know you liked her . ' `` i think i 'm more worried about adrian . i do n't know how he 'll take it . ' `` hard , ' said tasha bluntly . after what she 'd faced with christian 's parents , she knew better than anyone else what it was like to have family betray you . `` but he 'll make it through . and as soon as we can put all this evidence forward , we 'll have dimitri and rose back . ' those words filled lissa with hope , strengthening her . `` i miss her so much , ' she said . `` i wish she was here already . ' tasha gave her a sympathetic smile and patted her shoulder . just get through this for now . you can change everything . ' lissa was n't so sure about that , but tasha hurried off to join her `` activist friends ' and was replaced by -- daniella . she 'd come to talk to rufus , offering support and family love . lissa could n't bear to look at the older woman and felt even worse when daniella spoke to her . `` i 'm not sure how you got involved with this , dear , but good luck . ' daniella 's smile seemed sincere , but there was no question which candidate she supported . her kindly expression turned to concern . i thought for sure he 'd be here . i know the guardians would let him in . ' lissa had n't seen him in the last day or so . maybe he 's just running late . doing his hair or something . ' hopefully not passed out somewhere . daniella sighed . `` i hope so . ' she left , taking a seat in the audience . once again , adrian 's father was running the session , and after several false starts , the room quieted . `` in the last week , ' nathan began , speaking into a microphone , `` many worthy candidates have taken the tests required to rule our people .	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also , his clothes . they are n't expensive , but they fit him perfectly , and they 're all precisely matched , from shoes to belt to watch . now , that 's not to say straight men ca n't dress nicely , but it 's just not the same . '' george scanned the crowd again , and this time pointed out a different man , taller , harder looking , with looser and more casual clothes . `` now look at him , '' george said , pointing discreetly with one finger from around his drink . `` see the way his clothes are a little big ? his jeans do n't hug his ass , which is a nice one , by the way . and his nails are cut , but roughly . he 's dreamy , but completely straight . look at his stance . feet apart , about shoulder width , one hand in his pocket and the other holding his beer . '' i shook my head , amazed at george 's eye for detail . `` so should i flirt with him ? '' george laughed again . `` honey , you 're an adult . you can make your decisions on that . but yes , it 's safe to flirt with him . i would , if he played for my team . i mean , god , honey , look at those arms ! '' he turned to leave , but then leaned close and whispered low in my ear . `` if you do talk to him , do n't , i repeat , do not say anything about why you came to chicago . no personal drama . keep it light and innocent . you 're just here on business . '' and with that , george sauntered off , leaving me with a half a drink and a fluttering heart . and now that george had pointed out the differences , i could see how you would n't be able to mistake him for anything but a heterosexual . by which i mean , all man . and for the record , his arms were massive . i took a deep breath , summoned my courage , and made my way over to him . i had a rush of panic at the last second . how did one strike up a conversation with someone you were interested in ? i was about to swerve aside when the man in question glanced at me , did a double take , and turned to face me . his eyes met mine , and i felt my breath catch . his eyes were a brilliant green , like wild grass in sunny field . his face was all angles and hard planes and symmetrical , rugged beauty , shadowed with a stubble of day-old beard . his jaw looked strong enough to break rocks on , and his hand clutching the beer seemed like a paw , big enough to make the beer bottle look tiny and fragile . my heart went pitter patter when he pulled his hand out of his pocket and took a long step toward me . `` hi , i 'm brad , '' he said , his voice like a bass drum . his hand wrapped around mine , hard and calloused but gentle . he squeezed mine , firm but not crushing . most men either held your hand loosely , or crushed it . this was neither . his eyes locked on to mine , and seemed to twinkle with the promise of humor . `` delilah , '' i said , trying not to sound breathy . i ignored my temptation to tug the shrug closer , and let him close the distance between us so we were standing just within personal space . his body radiated heat , and he smelled faintly of cologne and a scent i can only describe as clean male sweat . `` i have n't seen you around before , delilah , '' brad said . `` that 's because i just got into town . i kept george 's warning in mind as i thought of what to say . not going to panic , not going to panic . no drama , no drama . i harangued myself and hesitated a beat too long . `` i 'm an editor . of a newspaper . i 'm in chicago for a ... workshop . for editors and journalists . '' brad nodded , and i realized this was my cue to ask him a question . again , things were a few beats behind , making it awkward . `` so , brad , what-what do you do ? '' he seemed to sense my discomfort , and gestured at my now-empty drink . `` get you another ? '' i nodded and followed him to the bar . george caught my eye and gave me an excited double-thumbs up . i made a face that was somewhere between excited and oh-shit . george just rolled his eyes and went back to his conversation with leon , with whom he seemed to be flirting . when we had drinks , mine a vodka tonic , now , brad leaned close and gave me a relaxed , sexy grin . `` so , if this is your first time in chicago , how 'd you end up here ? '' he waved a finger vaguely , meaning the little club we were in .	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i stand hesitantly outside of his bedroom door . maybe i can find some answers within , answers that he 'd never tell me . something , anything , that would make his behavior make sense . if he does n't want you to know , my conscience argues , then you should respect that . but ... f**k you , the devil side of my brain answers . and that 's the side i listen to . i turn the doorknob , and before i can even think about it , i 'm in his room and it 's done . i 've officially invaded his privacy . his room is dark and quiet and decorated in masculine colors ... grays and creams and blacks . his bed is enormous , and there is n't anything odd in here , like i think i was expecting . no sex swings or whips or chains . it 's uncluttered . in fact , it 's incredibly clean . it almost seems as devoid of personal effects as a hotel room . i feel a little guilty as i open his drawers , but i only find neatly folded clothes . the drawers all smell like cedar , like him . i take a deep breath , inhaling the scent , as i eye his closet , and before i can talk myself out of it , i get to my feet and open the doors . it 's enormous and contains a dressing room inside . a wall of shoes , loafers , and sneakers , and neatly hung slacks , jeans , shirts , and suits . it 's a closet worthy of a king . i 've never actually seen such a thing before . i sit on a cushioned bench for a minute , just to take it all in . like the bedroom , his closet is neat to the point of sterility . there 's nothing here to indicate what he 's actually like . not one thing ... except for the clear fact that he has a lot of shoes and clothes . but as i stand up , i notice the bench i 'm sitting on has hinges . they 're cleverly concealed , but they 're there . hesitantly , i open the lid and i find myself staring at a shallow black velvet box . the rest of the bench is empty . breathing quickly , i lift the box out and stare at it . it 's very light so it ca n't contain much . i do n't waste time pondering it . i take the top off . inside , there 's a stack of cards and letters , banded together with a rubber band . there 's a little jewelry box , which i quickly discover is empty , and an unopened envelope with dominic 's name on the front . it was clearly written by a woman and says simply , dom . the ink has begun to fade and there 's something hard inside , like cardboard or plastic . i 'm utterly frozen as i stare at it , because i can sense the significance of what must be inside . it was written by someone who knows him well , someone who calls him dom . but whatever it is , dominic does n't want to hear it . he does n't want to see it . so he closed it away in this bench , away from the light , away from the world , away from him . but even still , even though he ca n't force himself to read it , he also ca n't force himself to throw it away . i 'd been wrong to come in here . because i know that whatever i 'm holding in my hands is so very intimate . it 's personal and private . and it 's not my business . but also , he 's even more of an enigma now than he was before . i do n't have any answers ... i just have even more questions . with a sigh , i stare at the stack of cards and letters wrapped with the rubber band . they 're all opened . i can see the frayed tops of them , sliced through with an opener . surely it wo n't matter if i just take a peek . i slip the rubber band off , and it 's old enough that the rubber is tacky and has lost some of its elasticity . i can tell that dom has n't looked at these letters in quite a while , maybe even since he first opened them . but yet , just as the other letter , he ca n't throw them away . i look at the top card . there 's a cross with sunshine pouring onto it . with sympathy for your loss . i open it , skimming past the canned hallmark words , skipping to the handwritten note at the bottom . dominic , i 'm so sorry for your loss . the world has lost a light in emma . i know this is unbearable for you now , but i 'll be praying a prayer of peace for you . i know that even without her , you 'll be able to go on and do great things . with love and deepest condolences , jada milnay my breath freezes in my throat , and a brick seems to settle on my chest as i stare at the words .	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jesse flashed her a thousand-mega watt smile . yeah , that 's what all the press about him said . with looks , money , and stardom , he was all about the sex , drugs , and rock 'n ' roll-pretty much in that order . sitting on his lap felt weird , since she could only wonder how many other women he 'd perched on his thighs and what had happened next . and he did n't rev her up like deke or comfort her like luc . `` how will having me here change your bad ways ? '' he picked up her hand , rubbed his thumb along the back . `` you 're a calming influence . my good luck charm . my conscience . '' the last time they 'd talked she was n't wild enough to live his life , and now she was his conscience ? `` do n't frown , '' he said . `` time to go face jimmy for the day , toss out the new crop of songs for him to butcher and bitch about for the album . '' `` jimmy is my producer , '' jesse explained as a quick aside to kimber . `` dodge a few bullets for me , would you ? i want to spend a little time with kimber . '' ryan 's gaze slid over to her , moved over her br**sts . she felt somehow touched without permission . if he was the third in jesse 's menages , and if she stuck this out with jesse , she 'd have to talk to him about finding someone whose mere stare did n't make her feel the need to shower . `` sure , '' ryan said . `` i need some liquid fortification before i go . '' he peered down into the minibar and extracted a couple of the little liquor bottles . he opened one and chugged it straight , in seconds . jesse looked at the bottles in ryan 's hands , then at kimber . discreetly , she checked her watch . two in the afternoon , and he was starting on hard liquor ? and drinking it straight ? kimber felt jesse 's gaze on her , and when she looked up , he shot ryan a look of faint regret . `` dude , it 's five o'clock somewhere . with a shrug , jesse pursed his lips , looked away . then he turned to her with a bright smile . `` see , it 's kimber . she 's already having a positive effect on my life . because you 're so good , huh , babe ? '' kimber squeezed back almost as a reflex , but his words rattled around in her brain . because i 'm so good ? when had her life in the slow lane become a plus ? `` then i 'm looking forward to getting to know her better . '' ryan shot her a smoky look and approached jesse with a hearty pat on the shoulder , then whispered , `` save some ass for me . '' despite ryan 's low tone , kimber could n't help but overhear it . the flaming jerk was making a lot of assumptions about what and who she 'd say yes to . deke and luc had come as a pair , yes . but luc had been impossible not to adore . all easy , sophisticated charm . molasses seduction , slow , sweet , and potent . and deke ... she 'd known him and trusted him right from the beginning , even if he could be a bastard and say terrible , hurtful things for the purpose of pushing away the people who loved him . jesse pointed ryan toward the door . the band member , four little bottles of booze , and his skull with crossbones tattoo left a moment later . kimber breathed a sigh of relief . he can be an ass . '' kimber did n't disagree . `` he tells me you do everything together . he 's the third in your menages , is n't he ? '' jesse squirmed uncomfortably under her waiting stare . `` so you know about that ? '' `` when you said you had a kink and you did n't think i could handle it , i read a few tabloids , asked around . i got answers . '' he wrapped his arms around her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips . `` it 's lonely without you . those girls are meaningless . ryan and call make sure everything that happens on the road is meaningless . and nailing someone by myself just got too ... common . a twice-daily thing , like brushing your teeth . '' twice daily ? with a stranger ? and regular sex had become too boring ? i do n't say it to hurt you . but you ... you 're the one who matters to me . i wo n't be bored with you . i 've thought about it , and i wo n't share you . i need you to stay that way . '' lovely sentiment . but she was n't up for sainthood or anything . and what would happen if he did get bored ?	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`` it is the baby , '' bex smiled . `` bean is sharing angel juice with nina . i have n't taken it easy sparring with her for weeks . '' jared repeated . bex rol ed his eyes . `` remember that time she threw me on my back ? '' jared 's eyes dashed to mine . `` she real y did that ? '' `` it hurt , too . i just did n't say anything because i assumed you knew , and this was one of those things you did n't want to talk about . '' `` he is so like that . '' `` you were sparring with her on your level ? she 's pregnant , bex . what if you hurt the baby ? '' i looked down at my protruding bel y and gingerly rubbed it with my fingers . `` bean is giving me abilities ? '' `` bean 's ful -on angel , nina . you 've got more power than we do , i bet . that 's why you could hover during your dreams and climb the wal s and stuff . you were pregnant then , were n't you ? '' ryan laughed once . she 's spider-man , now ? '' `` love spider-man . '' bex laughed once without humor . `` she 's your taleh ... not to mention your wife . i thought you knew ! '' `` you did n't think i 'd mention it if i had ? '' that does n't sound like you at all ! '' `` he 's right , '' claire said . `` being forthcoming is n't your strong suit . '' jared turned on his heels , crossing his arms . his biceps bulged over his hands . `` i guess you knew , too ? '' `` obviously not ! '' `` it was my idea to punch her ! '' `` wel , let 's brag about it , '' i said flatly . silence overcame the room while the new knowledge set in . jared 's eyes bounced around different points on the floor while his brain processed a mil ion thoughts a second . a loud bang sounded from across the room , fol owed by a vibration in the floor . claire was lying on her back , looking up at ryan with a shocked expression . `` i told you i would n't give up . '' her face flashed red , and i waited for her to send ryan flying across the room again . but the flush of her cheeks returned to a warm tone , and her eyes softened . a slow , smal smile turned up the corners of her mouth . ryan , without caution , kneeled beside her . his eyes left hers , and then transfixed onto her lips . i waited for claire to grab him by the throat , or kick him in his nether region , but she slowly closed her eyes . `` what in the hel happened in here ? '' cynthia shrieked , slamming the door behind her . my mother 's surprise entrance took my attention away for only a moment , and when i looked back , i could see a familiar frustration in ryan 's eyes . `` someone had better answer me , '' cynthia said . realization fluttered in claire 's eyes , and she glanced in my direction . `` karma , '' i said with a knowing grin . she had made a hobby of interrupting jared and i when we were fal ing in love . it was refreshing to see her reaction when the same happened to her . `` oh , shut up , '' she said , pushing herself to her feet . she grabbed ryan 's hand and helped him to stand . `` i apologize , mrs . `` you did this , '' cynthia said . her words were more an accusation than a question . `` i expect everything to be in order by tomorrow morning . '' with that , she left for her bedroom . claire surveyed the destruction . `` i 'll help you , '' ryan said . claire left for the kitchen , and returned holding a large garbage can . she carried it in one hand , picking up the splinters of wood that covered the floor with the other . `` have fun with that , '' jared smiled , taking my hand . `` we 'll be at the oak tree at first light . '' jared glanced at his little brother . `` you 're coming , too . '' a wary frown touched bex 's face as his eyes darted between jared and me . i could tel that he was hesitant to be excited . is n't that , like , your breeding ground ? '' `` i want to see what nina is capable of . '' bex said , clapping his hands together once . `` you ready to spar , sis ? '' his hands rubbed together . a broad smile widened my face . chapter ten matches jared and i walked upstairs . i went through the motions of my nightly routine in a daze , trying to concede to this new reality . knowing i had a lot to prove in the morning , it was difficult to sleep .	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then he kicked it again , and again , and stamped on it with such violence that bits of wood flew across the kitchen and struck the pie safe with little pinging sounds . i sat completely still , too shocked and numb to feel distress . should i not have told him ? i wondered vaguely . but he knew , surely . he had asked , when he found me . and then had said , `` kill them all . '' but then ... to know something was one thing , and to be told the details another . i did know that , and watched with a dim sense of guilty sorrow as he kicked away the splinters of the stool and flung himself at the window . it was shuttered , but he stood , hands braced on the sill and his back turned to me , shoulders heaving . i could n't tell if he was crying . the wind was rising ; there was a squall coming in from the west . the shutters rattled , and the night-smoored fire spouted puffs of soot as the wind came down the chimney . then the gust passed , and there was no sound but the small sudden crack ! of an ember in the hearth . `` i 'm sorry , '' i said at last , in a small voice . jamie swiveled on his heel at once and glared at me . he was n't crying , but he had been ; his cheeks were wet . `` i willna have it , d 'ye hear ? '' he took a giant step toward the table and crashed his fist down on it , hard enough to make the saltcellar jump and fall over . `` do n't be sorry ! '' i had closed my eyes in reflex , but forced myself to open them again . i felt terribly , terribly tired again , and very much like crying myself . there was a charged silence . i could hear chestnuts falling in the grove behind the house , dislodged by the wind . one , and then another , and another , a rain of muffled tiny thumps . then jamie drew a deep , shuddering breath , and wiped a sleeve across his face . i put my elbows on the table and leaned my head on my hands ; it seemed much too heavy to hold up anymore . `` necessary , '' i said , more or less calmly to the tabletop . `` what did you mean , necessary ? '' `` does it not occur to you that ye might be with child ? '' he 'd got himself back under control , and said this as calmly as he might have asked whether i planned to serve bacon with the breakfast porridge . but my hands had gone by reflex to my belly . `` i 'm not , '' i repeated more strongly . i could , though-just possibly . the chance was a remote one , but it existed . i normally used some form of contraception , just to be certain-but obviously ... `` i am not , '' i said . he merely stared at me , eyebrows raised . i would n't ; not so soon . so soon-soon enough that if it were so , and if there were more than one man ... there would be doubt . the benefit of the doubt ; that 's what he offered me-and himself . a deep shudder started in the depths of my womb and spread instantly through my body , making goose bumps break out on my skin , despite the warmth of the room . `` martha , '' the man had whispered , the weight of him pressing me into the leaves . `` bloody , bloody hell , '' i said very quietly . i spread my hands out flat on the table , trying to think . and the stale smell of him , the meaty press of damp bare thighs , rasping with hair- `` no ! '' my legs and buttocks pressed together so tightly in revulsion that i rose an inch or two on the bench . `` you might- '' jamie began stubbornly . `` i 'm not , '' i repeated , just as stubbornly . `` but even if-you ca n't , jamie . '' he looked at me , and i caught the flicker of fear in his eyes . that , i realized with a jolt , was exactly what he was afraid of . or one of the things . `` i mean we ca n't , '' i said quickly . `` i 'm almost sure that i 'm not pregnant-but i 'm not at all sure that i have n't been exposed to some disgusting disease . '' that was something else i had n't thought of until now , and the goose bumps were back in full force . pregnancy was unlikely ; gonorrhea or syphilis were n't . `` we-we ca n't . not until i 've had a course of penicillin . '' i was rising from the bench even as i spoke . `` the surgery ! '' the hallway was dark , and the fire out in my surgery , but that did n't stop me . i flung open the door of the cupboard , and began groping hastily about . a light fell over my shoulder , illuminating the shimmering row of bottles . jamie had lit a taper and come after me .	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how was it that she did not know him at all ? with a sigh of resignation she made ready to depart her hiding place- when the door to miss jessamine 's room opened , and its resident emerged . sophie shrank bank into the dimness . miss jessamine was dressed in a long velvet traveling cloak that concealed most of her body , from her neck to her feet . her hair was bound tightly behind her head , and she carried a gentleman 's hat in one hand . sophie froze in surprise as jessamine looked down , saw the gear at her feet , and made a face . she kicked it swiftly into the room-giving sophie a view of her foot , which seemed to be clad in a man 's boot-and closed the door soundlessly behind her . glancing up and down the corridor , she placed the hat on her head , dropped her chin low into the cloak , and slunk off into the shadows , leaving sophie staring , mystified , after her . chapter 3 : unjustifiable death a las ! they had been friends in youth ; but whispering tongues can poison truth ; and constancy lives in realms above ; and life is thorny ; and youth is vain ; and to be wroth with one we love doth work like madness in the brain . -samuel taylor coleridge , `` christabel '' after breakfast the next day charlotte instructed tessa and sophie to return to their rooms , dress in their newly acquired gear , and meet jem in the training room , where they would wait for the lightwood brothers . jessamine had not come to breakfast , claiming a headache , and will , likewise , was nowhere to be found . tessa suspected he was hiding , in an attempt to avoid being forced to be polite to gabriel lightwood and his brother . she could only partly blame him . back in her room , picking up the gear , she felt a flutter of nerves in her stomach ; it was so very much unlike anything she 'd ever worn before . sophie was not there to help her with the new clothes . part of the training , of course , was being able to dress and to familiarize oneself with the gear : flat-soled shoes ; a loose pair of trousers made of thick black material ; and a long , belted tunic that reached nearly to her knees . they were the same clothes she had seen charlotte fight in before , and had seen il ustrated in the codex ; she had thought them strange then , but the act of actual y wearing them was even stranger . if aunt harriet could have seen her now , tessa thought , she would likely have fainted . she met sophie at the foot of the steps that led up to the institute 's training room . neither she nor the other girl exchanged a word , just encouraging smiles . after a moment tessa went first up the steps , a narrow wooden flight with banisters so old that the wood had begun to splinter . it was strange , tessa thought , going up a flight of stairs and not having to worry about pul ing in your skirts or tripping on the hem . though her body was completely covered , she felt peculiarly nak*d in her training gear . it helped to have sophie with her , obviously equal y uncomfortable in her own shadowhunter gear . when they reached the top of the stairs , sophie swung the door open and they made their way into the training room in silence , together . they were obviously at the top of the institute , in a room adjacent to the attic , tessa thought , and nearly twice the size . the floor was polished wood with various patterns drawn here and there in black ink-circles and squares , some of them numbered . long , flexible ropes hung from great raftered beams overhead , half-invisible in the shadows . witchlight torches burned along the wal s , interspersed with hanging weapons-maces and axes and all sorts of other deadly-looking objects . `` ugh , '' said sophie , looking at them with a shudder . `` do n't they look too horrible by half ? '' `` i actual y recognize a few from the codex , '' said tessa , pointing . `` that one there 's a longsword , and there 's a rapier , and a fencing foil , and that one that looks like you 'd need two hands to hold it is a claymore , i think . '' `` close , '' came a voice , very disconcertingly , from above their heads . `` it 's an executioner 's sword . mostly for decapitations . you can tell because it does n't have a sharp point . '' sophie gave a little yelp of surprise and backed up as one of the dangling ropes began to sway and a dark shape appeared over their heads . it was jem , clambering down the rope with the graceful agility of a bird . he landed lightly in front of them , and smiled .	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at that moment , the hospital 's double doors opened . kimber saw logan prowl inside , scan the room . when he spotted them , he stopped . she broke away from deke 's embrace and jumped up from luc 's lap . but logan had seen . fury did n't come close to describing the expression that flashed in his eyes . swallowing , he approached her and grabbed her arm , dragging her away from deke and luc . `` any word about dad ? '' every word was tight and clipped . he was restraining himself and his wild temper . but he would n't for long . kimber refused to flinch . she was n't a child , and he would n't treat her like one anymore . we 're still waiting . '' `` how long has he been in surgery ? '' time had been meaningless since the explosion . `` over an hour , i guess . '' `` deke tells me a bomb exploded at the house ? '' `` according to the fire department , yes . '' `` and you pulled dad out ? '' would it please him or piss him off ? this answer could go either way , and logan was unpredictable at best . her stare challenged him to give her crap about it . stupid , '' logan pointed out as he dragged her into a brotherly embrace , `` but damn brave . good going , little sister . '' logan knew he could n't argue that point , so he did n't try . `` has a doctor looked at you yet ? '' i had two stitches in my arm and three in my leg . just scratches ... '' `` i 'm glad you were n't seriously hurt . '' he glanced at deke and luc sitting a few feet away and nodded . logan could be a bad son of a bitch when he wanted . `` necessities aside ... what the fk are you doing with these two ? '' as logan 's tone exploded with anger , deke rose and came to stand behind her . kimber felt his big body envelop her back and give off heat . with a glance over her shoulder , she saw him meet her brother 's enraged gaze . in silent reply , deke wrapped an arm around her waist . hell , he might as well have branded her as his like a calf . logan 's eyes flared again . a pair of nurses passed in the nearby hall , obviously in the midst of a shift change , and paused to stare at the tableau taking place . before things could erupt , she held up her hands to ward off logan . `` this is n't the time or place to do this . '' `` they were n't just comforting you , little sister . '' he glanced up at deke . `` you want to tell her about the way you fk women , or should i ? '' if they had n't had the nurses ' undivided attention before , they surely had it now . deke tensed behind her , and kimber knew she needed to diffuse the situation now . `` logan , keep your damn voice down . her brother looked at her as if she 'd lost her mind . `` then why the hell are you letting them touch you ? '' `` goddamnit , '' deke snarled behind her . `` do n't you- '' `` let me handle this . deke hesitated , then backed off-reluctantly . dad 's very survival was up in the air , and she was so damn tired . but she knew better than to think that logan would be put off . `` i know from experience the way they have sex , '' she snapped in low tones . i 'm a grown woman , and i make my own choices . you can either live with that or shut up . but i 'm not going to hear another word about this . '' logan looked ready to drop his jaw . `` you and ... both of them ? '' his attitude was grating on her last nerve . `` do n't pretend you 've been an angel your whole life . i 've heard plenty about you over the years , so let 's consider it even and drop it . '' she 'd heard rumors for years that he was one hell of a dom , particularly gifted in giving the kiss of the whip and making a woman love it . he 'd better not say a damn word . logan 's jaw tensed . `` you were engaged three damn days ago to someone else . '' the answer agitated him , but he stopped arguing . instead , he shot luc , then deke , a venom-filled glare . `` if you hurt my sister , i swear i 'll peel the flesh off your f**king bones slowly and let you bleed to death . '' `` we have no intention of hurting your sister , '' luc soothed as he rose and pulled her from between logan and deke , wrapping her in a protective embrace . `` and every minute you stand here yakking off your jaws is another minute she 's in danger , '' deke snarled .	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everyone knew but you ... '' he clapped his hands to his ears , hoping to drown her out but her voice remained , cutting through him like a chainsaw . he ground his teeth together and crept toward the door . a small squeak caught his attention ; he turned his head to see a shadow gather and coalesce in the hallway . curious eyes peeked at him from a solemn little face . `` are you lost ? `` `` yeah , '' the creeper said gruffly , `` very lost . '' `` you should get a phone like my dad 's ; it tells you where you are and where you 're going too . '' how old was the kid , ten ? what had he been doing when he was that age ? he could recall the fourth grade vaguely : the smell of chalk and the taste of the paste he had liked to eat , the bicycle that had dumped him in the driveway and led to two chipped front teeth . his old man had beaten his ass good for that stunt , teeth were expensive to fix , after all . the kid watched him leave . he closed the door softly then tugged the hat down lower . his hand stayed on the doorknob for a few moments while he weighed the pros and cons of going back in and killing the kid ; he had seen him after all . but what had he seen really , a man in dark clothes with a mustache a totally different color from his hair and tufts of the same colored wig sticking out from under a ball cap ; that was all . no need to slaughter the whole family . the rage that always simmered below the surface had grown quiet , leaving just the anxiety . his nerve seemed to be failing him and that alone made a small bud of that anger unfold but luckily for the family on the other side of the door it was not enough to make him reenter the apartment . he turned and went down the hall , taking the stairs instead of the elevator to keep his face off of the cameras inside of that small steel coffin . out on the streets he walked slowly , deliberately pacing himself to appear as if he had no reason to be away from the streetlights and the hot white glow of the headlights . something she had said to him , years before , about tigers walking in a concrete jungle came back to him and he could feel that same confusion that had haunted him for the last several years bleeding back in . how had it all gone wrong ? the city had changed , or maybe he had grown weary . their life had somehow gone downhill and she had begun to hate him , to hold him in contempt . the creeper stared at his face in a dark window for long moments , trying to capture the face of the man he had once been but all he saw reflected back at him was a wavering face whose lines looked indistinct and blurred , he looked like a ghost imprinted on a dead television screen . the thought of being a ghost frightened him ; he turned and fled back toward the subway , running for home and its illusion of safety . *** three days had passed and the city lay sweltering under an unexpected and unseasonable blanket of heat . the temperatures rose and the creeper remained silent . trucks parked along the curbs served up dripping cones and the tourists huddled on the double decker buses that ran the sightseeing circuits , too tired and hot to walk the steaming streets . sophie still had yet to purchase a television but she had learned a great deal about the creeper since the night she had seen him , and all of it made her very nervous , as did the newly awakened sexual longing inside her . the night before she had lain in bed , surprised to find her crotch slick and wet . she had never masturbated , yet she somehow had known by instinct where and how to touch , and when it had been too hard and when it was too light . the strange and desperate feeling that had come up in her when her fingers had grazed her cl*t had made her gasp , shame had made her stop before she could find release so as a consequence she had woken up cranky and a little sore . the bookstore was very busy , the usual customers culled the dollar shelves and the tourists drooped in the aisles , loudly comparing the store to the large chain bookstores . sophie had to smile each time she heard the word quaint used just to keep from swearing out loud . geoff had long since tired of what he deemed the necessary evils of business ownership and vanished into his office . his door sat decidedly closed and she knew he would not come out until closing time , which was two hours away . she could understand his feelings ; he loved books , old , rare , new and used . he loved classics and trashy novels both and the hunt associated with finding them . he did not , however , like people . he hated seeing his books going out of the shop , even though he understood it was the nature of the business . the day dragged , a little boy threw a screaming fit and spilled sticky egg cream on a pile of children 's books .	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her skin was like the richest ivory satin , her eyes the blue of a clear summer sky , her lips lush and pouty within her heart-shaped face . she was petite and lithe but perfectly proportioned . not too curvy or too thin . because of her exterior flawlessness , he found it somewhat unnerving to realize that , aside from the moment he first met her , he had never had any desire to tumble her . even after the last few weeks of abstinence and near constant proximity to her , he had n't considered bedding her . `` you must be relieved to be rid of me , as well , '' he said easily . the hard glimmer returned to her eyes and he sighed inwardly . once again , the moment he felt the slightest softening toward her , she reminded him of why he did not like her . it had nothing to do with her lack of affection for him and everything to do with the fact that she was so mutable . at times she seemed confused , at others she appeared to relish her work far too much for his tastes . he suspected she was a bit touched and he had learned to avoid those who suffered afflictions of the mind . they were a danger to themselves and others . as soon as the carriage rolled to a stop in front of the small home on a quiet street , simon opened the door and leaped out . then he extended his gloved hand to assist lysette down . her hat rim came into view first , then it rose as she tilted her head back to gaze at the front of the residence . simon studied her openly . she seemed pensive and melancholy , her pale blue eyes shadowed with secrets he did not care to know . lysette rousseau was one of the most cutthroat individuals he 'd ever had the misfortune to meet , one who took pleasure in the misery of others . it was oftentimes difficult to reconcile her beautiful , fragile exterior with the hardened woman he knew her to be . he 'd watched her kill a man with novel ferocity , an act even more disconcerting when committed by a lovely seductress . yet she had the bearing and tastes of a woman of breeding . the combination of civility and blood thirst was discordant . frankly , he could not wait to be rid of her and the mystery she represented . he was weary of prying into other people 's lives on behalf of a king he cared little about . he wanted to live his own life and he had-finally-accumulated enough wealth to do so . no longer would he serve the needs of another . the world was his , or it soon would be , once he exchanged the wily lysette for richard and the others . he pivoted and wrapped her arm around his . lysette inhaled sharply , then nodded . simon noted that tiny act of gathering courage and felt a brief flare of concern . he almost asked her if there was some assistance she required , but he held his tongue . while the last vestiges of his chivalry urged him to assist a damsel in distress , the blunt truth of the matter was that she had made her own bed and now she must lie in it . his responsibility was not to her but to the dozen men who worked for him . still , despite thinking so callously , he let kinder words leave his lips . `` i will remain in paris for a month or so . '' the statement was not a romantic appeal and she knew it . he was offering a temporary harbor in case of a possible storm . the startled look she gave him in response afforded him a brief glimpse of an unaffected lysette . for a moment she glowed from within , a shimmer of wary hope and innocence . he steeled himself for a sharp and jeering rebuke , as was her usual response to any friendly overture . instead , her mouth curved slightly and she gave an almost imperceptible nod . together they climbed the steps and entered her home . as they walked into the foyer , the lilting notes of a pianoforte greeted them . an elaborate and stunning crystal-covered chandelier hung above the gold-veined marble , and fresh flowers displayed in alcoves contributed their fragrance to the genial welcome . lysette led him into a parlor decorated in soothing shades of yellow and gold . amid the soft palette , the emerald-garbed comte desjardins could not be missed . `` bonjour , mr. quinn , '' the comte greeted , rising to his feet from his seat at the pianoforte . simon once again marveled that such a short and slightly built man would have such a powerful voice . he doubted such volume could be contained in a whisper , a thought even more startling considering the body to which the voice belonged looked as if a stiff wind could topple it over . `` lysette , ma petite . '' desjardins approached her with a look of pride and affection on his long face . he caught up her hands and kissed her cheek . `` bien , merci . 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walking into the bathroom , she cleaned her teeth and started a shower . once her shower was finished , she dressed in a long denim skirt and pink jumper . the weather looked chilly outside even though the sun was shining . she wrapped her hair in a messy bun before going into the kitchen for her cereal and morning coffee . sitting at the table she went through the bills she needed to pay along with the details for her bank account . she did some quick maths to make sure she had enough to pay everything . as she was finishing up her sums someone knocked on her door . frowning , she checked the clock and saw it was just after half nine . going to the door she opened it as far as the security latch allowed . kent stood with coffee and baked goods . last weekend he had n't stopped by , and she was n't expecting him this morning . he carried a newspaper with him . `` are you turning into a stalker ? '' she asked , not opening the door any wider . `` do i look like a stalker ? '' i do n't know that many stalkers , '' she said , smiling even though she tried not to . `` well , not many stalkers are known to bring breakfast muffins and spanish blended coffee , but i do , '' he said . she let out a sigh then opened the latch . `` i 've already eaten , but feel free to sit down and eat . '' she finished writing out her calculations as kent took a seat opposite her . their friendship really was strange . the billionaire businessman and the cleaner , she chuckled at her own thoughts . `` i 've got money for your thoughts , '' he said . `` and i 'm not sharing them . you can keep your money , kent . i 'm doing what us mere mortals do . '' `` i 'm making sure i 've got enough to pay the bills . '' `` check this out , '' he said , handing her the newspaper . '' dropping her bills and notes , she took the paper from him . a picture of him and a supermodel was on the front page . lana slapped his hand as he went to touch her bills . `` it 's rude trying to look at a lady 's bills . '' she read through the story . `` last week after our chinese , i went home and discovered her in my bed with nothing but red underwear , '' he said . `` the bitch , she should have been naked , '' lana said with sarcasm . `` you 're supposed to be my friend , and i 'm sharing this with you . '' lana smiled at the trust he was showing her . `` you do realise our friendship is weird , right ? '' kent shrugged . `` i do n't give a shit what people think of me . '' `` then why are you bothered by the newspaper headline ? '' she handed the paper back to him . seeing the story had felt like a punch to the gut for lana . it took every ounce of self-control not to show her feelings . she and kent did not have that kind of relationship . he was a man with needs while she was a poor woman without any . `` i wanted you to know in case you saw it and thought the wrong thing , '' he said . i have n't got any spare money to spend on newspapers or glossy magazines . your celeb life is safe from me . '' she stood up and placed the bills inside her safe before returning it to the draw in the kitchen . `` i bake . '' he asked , getting up from his seat . he moved toward her , cupping her face in his palms . i do n't have any plans today , '' she said . her boring life was finally catching up with her . `` then i 've got to change what you do today . i forbid you baking on your own . '' he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips . she gasped then covered it up with a sneeze . `` i 've got to go to my parents ' tomorrow , and i was wondering if you 'd go with me as my friend and date . '' `` yes , they 'll like you . they 're very down to earth kind of people , and i think it will be good for you to see me in a different setting . '' `` okay , why are you here today ? '' `` i need to go to an art exhibition today . i 'm checking out some art . the event is very low key , and i 'm not expecting any press . this is just a viewing today . will you come with me , and i 'll treat us to italian tonight . '' `` you 're tempting me with food , '' she said , groaning . i know the best way to get my own way is by tempting you with food . lana stared around her apartment and bit her lip . **** kent waited for her to speak . he 'd been thinking of taking her out last weekend , but because work had overrun him he 'd not gotten the chance .	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`` i can stand up to mommy and daddy without help . but i appreciate it . and no , they are n't giving me shit . they 've been suspiciously quiet . i 'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop . '' `` well , if everything 's okay , and you two are going to be okay running the ship without me for the next two weeks , i 'm heading home to mia . sooner this night is over with , the sooner she 's my wife and the sooner we take off on that honeymoon , '' gabe said . `` speaking of running the ship , '' ash cut in before everyone rose to go their separate ways . `` you never did say why we dropped charles willis like a hot potato . with him out and losing the other two investors , we barely managed to salvage the paris deal . anything you have n't shared with us ? '' gabe 's expression became shuttered , his lips drawn into a tight line . jace looked questioningly at gabe as well . all gabe had shared at the time was that willis was out and then the other two dropped without explanation as well , one of whom was a wealthy texan who they could n't afford to lose . but with the scramble to replace those investors , neither jace nor ash had asked questions . they 'd knuckled down , did what had to be done to get back on track . `` he was n't right for the job , '' gabe said darkly . `` i knew it in paris when we met . knew i would n't work with him , no matter his bid . business decision . it was what was best for the company . i know you 're my partners , but we did n't have time to get into the whys and wherefores . we needed to move to get the situation in hand and the plans back on track . '' it was evident he did n't quite swallow gabe 's explanation . it did n't wash with ash either , but gabe 's face was implacable . and him saying it was a business decision was bullshit . ash did n't know what the hell had gone on in paris , but whatever it was had turned gabe solidly against charles willis . the man had dropped off the face of the earth after being cut loose from hcm 's operations . all he cared was that they 'd salvaged the whole bloody mess . he was n't going to get into what had gotten gabe 's underwear in a knot over the whole thing . it was behind them . `` now if we 're done , i 'd really like to get home to my future wife , '' gabe drawled . gabe rose and jace followed suit . christ , they really were getting old . it was n't even ten yet , and they were already folding up the tent for the night and schlepping home . but then , they had women to go home to . in their position , he would n't be so eager to spend a night out with friends either . he walked out with them and watched as gabe got into his car . jace turned to ash . `` want a ride back to your place or is your driver on standby ? '' he was n't in the mood to talk , and , no doubt , after gabe 's questions , jace 's curiosity would be piqued . but if he refused the ride , jace would be even more convinced that something was bugging him . it would be better if ash just sucked it up and took the ride . `` how 's bethany doing ? '' ash asked , when they 'd gotten in . he figured if he got jace talking about bethany , he would n't pry into ash 's business . jace 's expression eased into a smile . excited about going to school . '' `` what 's the latest on kingston ? he still being a dumbass ? '' jack kingston was bethany 's foster brother . he was also the man who damn near killed bethany and was currently in rehab . personally ash thought jace had gone far too easy on the other man . ash would have beat the shit out of him and then nailed his ass to the wall , but in an effort not to hurt bethany any more than she already had been , jace had helped jack get a plea bargain that included rehab and probation . `` we do n't hear from him , and i 'm good with that , '' jace said . ash arched an eyebrow . `` but is bethany good with it ? '' `` she has good days and bad . when i can keep her focused on me and us , things are good . when she has time to think , she worries . she knows he f**ked up , and she has n't gotten over that . i doubt she ever will . but she still loves him and is sick over what he 's done . 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`` you know , lick them , be there for them . '' `` it may be a grueling day for the cowboys , but i can see it 'll be much worse for the calves . jessica trailed after johnnie . an hour later , after jessica 's fingers burned from twisting screws and securing pipes together , the cowboys started spilling into the corral . jessica watched , nodded to a few , and noticed a dust cloud coming up the path . her heart quickened when she recognized who led the group . just then , a small whirlwind of dust whipped at clint 's hat and shirt , and the gelding 's tail . seemingly unaffected , he tucked his head into the onslaught and galloped along , the elements no match for this hardy man . the gelding slowed to a trot , and the rider changed his rhythm to match . even as his hips rocked , his broad shoulders barely movedpoetry in motion . he drew up . his distinct scowl broke her spell as he dismounted . `` i do n't think i 've met our new cowhand . '' clint 's gaze never left hers as he strode to the corral fence . jessica hustled over to where clint stood , not wanting him to reprimand johnnie . she gave him what she hoped was a confident smile . `` i hope you do n't think you 'll be in the corral during the round-up . '' jessica inspected his face for a moment and saw no sign of teasing . his stern comment irritated her . he was always so charming to everyone else . he gave one quick nod and cocked a brow . her irritation raised a notch . clint slung his arms over the top rail . he clasped his hands together right in front of her nose , his eyes hard as granite . `` helping them set up . at first he looked dubious , searching her for the truth . a wry smile shifted his lips , and softened his features . `` maiming poor , helpless calves is fun , right ? '' he broke into one of his hardy laughs . but , as quickly as it began it stopped . he tilted his head down and raised both brows . `` fun or not , you will be leaving the corral . '' jessica 's stomach seemed to ball into a fist . she was a capable woman . had lived her entire life without any help from himfrom any man . maybe she had n't planned on being in the corral when they started . she jutted her chin and waited in silence , unwilling to move , surprised at her own stubbornness . `` jes-sie , '' he drawled . leaning a little farther over the fence he gave her an i-call-the-shots stare . his gaze left her eyes and landed on her lips . he was only noticing the determined curl of them . she had to consciously loosen her pucker before she said , `` i could help , you know . '' he raised his eyes to hers again . you wo n't be helping . her brows plowed into a deep furrow . she wanted to say something more but thought better of it . `` okay , wrong thing to say . '' and his eyes gave him away as welltwinkling in amusement . he wanted to laugh at her . it took a lot to push her , but once pushed she crossed her arms at her chest . `` on second thought . gone was the smile . `` you 'll do as i say , or you 'll go back to the ranch house , '' he said , a little too loudly . the exchange drew the attention of other cowboys . johnnie 's head whipped up . clint held up a hand to johnnie without taking his eyes off jessica . egotistical jerk . jessica glanced over her shoulder at johnnie halted in immediate obedience , but his fists were clenched and his mouth was set . clint waited for her response . she clamped down on her back teeth ; something she did when one of her brothers thought they could bully her . she worked at slackening her jaw enough to speak . `` what is it , clint ? are you thinking women are too delicate to help ? '' she winced at how angry her words sounded , when she 'd just planned to calmly ask , 'why do n't you want me to help ? ' clint backed up a step . he clasped the top of the fence with both hands . his knuckles turned white under the pressure , obviously furious . he stepped forward again and leaned well over . the bill of his stetson came within inches of her forehead . though stern , his voice had dropped an entire octave and was hushed , like he intended the conversation to only be heard by the two of them . `` i want you to leave the corral . as the foreman he had been used to ordering people around . but she was n't one of his hired hands . she was uncle roy 's niece for crying out loud . she had clout !	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dropping my hands from his abs , i gripped the back of his head in an effort to keep him in place while i pinpointed the taste by taking control of the kiss . he misinterpreted this move for something else , and bunched the fabric of my dress into his hands so he could raise it higher . his lips parted from mine for a split-second , just when the taste in my mouth was building to something incredible , and he muttered , god , ive been waiting for this all night . kiss me like that again . a jolt surged through my body the instant the words passed his lips , and i sealed my mouth against his once more . the fire from the previous kiss was still present , but it had built to a new level , one that sent energy crackling and fizzing through the air around us . pulsating red lights lit the darkness behind my eyelids , and i opened them to see what it was . delvins aura was throbbing . its deep , dark red acting as a strobe light in sync with the beat of my heartor maybe that was his . moving my hand through his hair , i noticed the ring on my finger was a bright , glowing red as well . a low sound emanated from delvin as the heat in my mouth cooled to a sweetness unlike anything id ever experienced before . the red of his aura speckled with flecks of gray , and the rhythm delvin had set for us slowed . while my mind seemed to gather all of this , i couldnt process any of it because something was happening to me . my insides were burning and cooling as though i was suffering from an insane bout of hot flashes . every trace of the tequila i had consumed evaporated from my mind and body until i was completely sober . delvins hands fell to his sides . the edges of my dress hed held fell to my feet in a swooshing motion . he grew ridged in his stance . while his lips had long ago paused in their movement against mine , i couldnt pull back . i couldnt stop whatever was happening . the taste was amazing , and the rush i was gettingan incredible high i had never felt beforerocketed me higher . alcohol couldnt touch this feeling , nothing could . kenna , what the hell are you doing back here ? bree shouted . her words startled me , and i broke the serious lip-lock delvin and i had shared . i i started to explain , but then delvin dropped to the ground in front of me , lifeless , and i couldnt speak . whether he was unconscious or dead , i wasnt sure . either way , it couldnt be a good thing , because the color of his aura had turned nearly solid gray . it was dull and stagnant in its movement , nothing like the deep red that had seemed to float and pulsate freely around him moments before . bree dashed from the edge of the alley . i bent to make sure he was breathing , but couldnt bring myself to touch him . we were just making out i dont know what the hell happened . flecks of murky green spread through the ominous shade of gray his aura consisted of . a new color being added into the mix must have been a good thing , right ? it had to mean he was still alive and well . that was my theory anyway . well , check for a pulse or something , bree insisted . the sounds of the parade echoed through the little alley we were tucked away in . with the taste of whatever divine sweetness it was that had come from delvin still lingering in my mouth , i reached out and pressed two fingers against his throat . there was a pulse , but it was faint and sluggish . should i go get kelly and the others ? we should probably take him to the hospital . while i had heard everything she was saying , my mind had been focused on something else entirelythe way the lingering sweetness was now pulsating to life and surging through my body like rapidly growing vines spreading beneath the surface of my skin . tipping my head back , i closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation coursing through me . brees voice , as well as the sounds of the parade , muted as i basked in the awareness of this , whatever it was , encasing me in ecstasy . lovely sensation , isnt it ? its like a drug . youll never have another hit quite like that again though . i opened my eyes to see bree seemingly frozen in time with her mouth half open as though she were in the midst of saying something . delvin still lay crumpled over in front of me , but the sounds of the parade had grown silent , and a lone styrofoam cup had paused in its wind-blown path down the alley . a woman with skin kissed by the sun , dark flowing locks of silky hair , and brown eyes the shade of honey stared at me with a somehow familiar smile . it wont keep you from trying to reach that level time and time again though . her heavily made-up eyes locked on mine , and all teasing left them in an instant . so , my love , now that youve completed the kiss of awakening , are you ready to learn what you are ?	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but at the same time he did n't want to drag rachel into the middle of something we do n't yet understand . '' he 'll do what it takes to protect rachel . '' `` sean 's heading to mom and dad 's now . '' garrett 's voice came in low and serious over the radio . donovan and sam both froze as they listened . `` sam , i 've got someone . he 's surrounded by camo netting . he 's damn near invisible . he 's clearly on observation duty . rest of the perimeter is clear . '' `` son of a bitch , '' sam muttered . `` you have a clear shot ? '' tree 's in my way . '' no one hunted him on his own turf . `` i 'm locked . he moves and i got him . this guy looks to be a professional . '' donovan met sam 's gaze with hard eyes . `` you should stay here , sam . let me go after him . if sophie wakes , she 'll need you . '' `` she 'll need you more , '' sam said shortly . `` you 're the medic . '' donovan nodded , not arguing though sam knew he was n't happy with the decision . sam suited up , his mind focused on the fact that there was a threat out there to his family . stalking his prey was what sam did best . he was patient and cunning . he 'd once spent six hours closing in on a sniper and took him out without the enemy , positioned a mere fifteen yards away , ever knowing . this man posed a threat to everything sam held most dear in the world . and now his child . the voice whispered in his ear , a reminder he did n't want . when he finally got the intruder in his sights , he merely watched , gauging the man 's intent . he was a soldier or a mercenary , and he too was patient . his movements were measured . he watched the house through binoculars and occasionally he 'd scout the area around the house . looking for anyone watching him . the a**hole would never see garrett unless garrett wanted him to . without a sound , sam unsheathed his knife and crept forward , pausing when the wind stopped or his target moved . he was three feet away and the man still had n't detected his presence . then the wind shifted , blowing from the west . the man turned up his head , nostrils expanding as he scented sam like a wild animal . before he could turn , sam was on him . the blade pressed into the neck smeared with camo paint , and sam hissed his demand close to the man 's ear . the intruder twisted and tried to ram his gun between him and sam . sam sliced , cutting the man 's throat in one quick motion . the hiss of escaping air and the slight gurgle of blood were the only sounds denting the breeze . `` good work , '' garrett said into sam 's earpiece . sam held up the okay sign and then signaled that he 'd take care of the body . he 'd have left it there to rot , but one , it was too damn close to his house and he did n't want to smell the bastard , and two , it would be a headache for sean when the body was discovered . better it disappear for good . an hour later , he returned to the house to find garrett and donovan both waiting . `` i 've set a secure perimeter around the house , '' garrett said . `` no one will be able to so much as piss in the direction of this house without us knowing . '' `` we need to call steele and rio in , '' sam said as he glanced toward the couch where sophie still slept . `` mouton made the mistake of stepping onto our turf . we 'll take the fight to him . this time he goes down . '' both garrett and donovan nodded their heads in agreement . `` until rio and steele get here with their teams , we stay put . i do n't want to get sean or mom and dad involved in any way . we 'll put big shiny targets on our asses and dare the bastards to come and get us . '' `` fuckin ' a , '' garrett snarled . again sam glanced over to her curled up body on the couch . she does n't get out of our sight . '' sophie struggled in her dreams . the thing was she was aware enough to know she was only dreaming , but she could n't shake out of the hazy world of sleep . exhaustion held her too firmly in its grasp . the assassin was holding her while he slowly carved a line into her belly . she felt the skin give way . horror overcame her . she screamed , a giant , silent scream . she could n't get her lips to work , and her mouth was as dry as sawdust . whimpers tore from her mouth , and she shoved invisible arms away from her . but still , she felt that blade , cutting closer to her womb .	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the very last thing on your mind was work . mia came in to see you twice and you blew her off both times . '' jace 's brows came together . she did n't come in to see me . '' `` you do n't even remember her coming in ? or do you just not remember being a dick to her ? '' she really came to see me ? '' `` you bit her fking head off , which prompted gabe to want to bash your skull in . i told him to back off , that you were having a bad day . '' `` so there you are , barely existing in those two weeks . acting like some insane , obsessed person . so i do some checking . then you find her and go off half-cocked . then i do n't see you again until a few minutes ago and you act like nothing happened . all of this after you told me to stay out of it and that it did n't concern me . '' jace blew out his breath and rubbed his hand over the top of his head . that was out of line and we both know it . '' ash made a rude noise . `` i do n't give a fk that you were a dick . you think this is about my feelings being hurt ? i 'm worried about you , jace . worried about how wrapped up in this woman you are . i 'm worried that she 's all wrong for you and you ca n't see it because she 's got her fingers wrapped around your balls . '' jace breathed through the instant surge of anger that hit him . jace was going to be rational about this if it killed him . `` she needs me , '' jace said , fully aware of how lame it sounded . but fuck , he could n't even explain it himself . how the hell was he supposed to explain it to ash ? ash studied him a long moment and then his lips parted with a sigh . `` this is going to piss you off , but it needs to be said . i could back off , let you do your thing , but we both know if the situations were reversed and this was me acting the way you 've been acting that you 'd be in my face and you would n't back off . so hell if i 'm going to do it . more of a brother than my own . you and gabe both . we busted his balls over mia . now i 'm going to bust yours over bethany . because someone has to . '' jace 's fingers clenched and he was tempted to walk out . but ash 's words seared through his anger , effectively taking the wind out of his sails . and yeah , he was n't so pissed off that he did n't realize he 'd absolutely be busting ash 's balls if his friend had pulled a stunt like this . `` just say it then , '' jace said in resignation . `` you took care of mia for a lot of years , '' ash said in a quiet tone . `` always looked out for her . hell , you were father and brother to her . she needed you . now suddenly she does n't . not in the way she did before . she 's no longer your responsibility . she has gabe and her focus is going to be primarily on him . '' ash blew out a long breath . `` do n't you find it ironic that within days of mia becoming engaged to gabe that your head is turned by a woman in need ? and i do n't dispute she needs help , jace . her situation is ten kinds of fked up . but the fact is , you 're a provider . a caretaker . and bethany is your kryptonite . she 's down on her luck . and you like the idea that she needs you . have you considered that maybe you need a break from being a sole provider and that maybe you should live a little without becoming weighted down by another person in need ? '' `` what the fk is all of that ? '' mia was n't some kind of goddamn weight . i 'm her only family . i have never once resented having to take care of her . '' `` you know damn well that 's not what i 'm saying . pull your head out of your ass . mia belongs to all of us . i never suggested for one minute that she was some kind of unpleasant burden . i was there while she grew up . i have almost as much invested in her happiness as you do , okay ? mia was never my point . my point is that you 're at loose ends now that mia has gabe and she no longer needs you in the same way she did before . and you latched on to bethany , who is like mia only ten times more in need . you saw a woman in need and that appealed to the provider in you . not saying it is n't noble . not saying you 're a dick for wanting to help her .	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if you say anything like that again , i 'll turn you over my knee and spank your pretty ass . '' `` there are some things you should know , '' he said . `` starting with the fact that you belong to us . he expected to see fear at his statement . instead , he saw surprise . ethan and ryan , who had been standing in the doorway , moved closer to the bed . ethan sat down behind holly and slipped his hands over her shoulders , rubbing soothingly . holly looked uneasily between the brothers as adam allowed time for his declaration to sink in . she wet her lips nervously and turned troubled eyes back to him . `` does that mean you 're not going to let me leave ? '' `` if you 're asking if you 're a prisoner , the answer is no . if you 're asking if we 're going to open the door and let you waltz out of our lives , the answer is no . '' he moved in closer , cupping her chin in his hand . beside her , ryan curled his hand around hers . all three brothers were touching her , soothing her . `` you belong to us , holly , '' adam whispered . `` i can feel your want , your need . it 's as strong as our need for you . you 're frightened , but you want us . '' `` so you want a sex slave ? '' not just of him and his brothers but of herself and the unknown man who had done so much damage to her both physically and mentally . `` if you think this is only about sex , you 're wrong , '' adam said in a low voice . `` we 're talking about forever . you would be our wife , our mate . '' `` b-but ... you ca n't all marry the same woman ! '' ethan asked behind her . `` it 's not legal ! '' `` you 're thinking with your mind , '' adam chided . `` there 's no law that says you ca n't live with three men . in our hearts , you would be bound to all three of us . wife to each one of us . cherished by all of us . '' she shook her head in denial , in confusion . `` it 's that way in our family , '' ryan said quietly . `` if you 're wondering if it 's genetic then no , it is n't . we have a choice , and we 're choosing you . our fathers chose our mother , our grandfathers chose our grandmother . but we are n't bound by an invisible compulsion to lead that kind of life . it 's something we decided when we were old enough to do so . we always knew there would be but one woman for the three of us . and so we 've waited . '' adam watched holly 's reaction to ryan 's sincere explanation . a sheen of tears rimmed her eyes , and her hands shook in her lap . `` but you want us , '' ethan persisted . she nodded a little shamefully . adam prompted , wanting to hear the demons she fought . `` because i 'm already married , '' she choked out . chapter four cold fingers of dread gripped adam 's chest . already married ? he looked up to see the same dread mirrored on his brothers ' faces . he glanced down at her finger , unbelieving that he would have missed a ring . but none shone there . ethan 's hands had stilled on her shoulders . ryan 's grip on her hand had loosened . his own hand had dropped from her chin . could it be the one woman meant for them was forbidden ? no , he would n't accept that . adam growled possessively . her hand fluttered to her throat , a defensive gesture . panic flared across her face , quickly running out of control . `` he 's the man you 're running from , '' ryan said , his face stony . `` he 's the man who put the fear in your eyes , '' adam added , tilting her chin up once more . relief poured over adam . ethan 's hands once again smoothed over holly 's shoulders . this was something they could deal with . she would simply divorce the bastard . `` you 're not going back to him , '' adam said simply . `` you 'll never go back to him . '' `` you do n't understand , '' she whispered . tears sparkled in her cinnamon eyes . `` he does n't have a choice , '' ethan muttered . `` he 'll hurt you , just like ... '' her voice trailed off but adam understood what she had left unsaid . he 'll hurt you , just like he hurt me . he had never dealt with such rage as what built within him . it swirled like an out of control storm . she cleared her throat and continued on . `` he 's a very powerful man . murder means nothing to him . `` and you think you going back to him is the answer ? '' ryan asked incredulously . `` no , i 'll never go back to him .	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as he continued fondling her generous br**sts with one hand , he moved the other one downward , easily ripping away her panties , then slipping a finger inside her wet heat . when his thumb began stroking her swollen womanhood , she bucked against his hand , her breathing shallow , panting . he bit down gently on her nipple as he flicked his thumb across her tender flesh below , and then moved up just in time to capture her scream with his lips as her body released , his fingers saturated with her orgasm . before she was finished , crew barely managed to sheath himself before he opened her legs wide and positioned himself . `` open your eyes , '' he demanded , barely recognizing his own strained voice . when haley could open them just enough for him to see how she was feeling , he plunged fully inside her , nearly exploding as her tight skin closed around him . before he pulled back to plunge in again , the pain on her face registered somewhere in his mind . her mouth gaped open as her nails dug into the skin of his arms . crew was so shocked , he could n't seem to move . it was evident by the tightness , the pain crossing her features , the shocked look on her face . he whispered as he stilled , staying connected inside her . `` ouch , '' was her reply . he felt decidedly unheroic . finally regaining a semblance of control , crew tenderly pulled out of her , then reached below the lounge chair and grabbed a blanket he 'd placed there earlier . he turned on his back and pulled her tightly against him , then covered them both . his body was still throbbing dangerously - could he be risking permanent damage ? - but he would n't go on until she talked to him , explained . she 'd just given him something so special , a gift indescribably sacred . the least he could give her in return was a chance to adjust . the one thing he would n't give her was freedom . in a blink of an eye , she 'd just become his , and there was no way he was teaching her how to seduce another man . she was his now , only his . chapter fifteen as haley lay in crew 's arms , his hand rubbed soothingly up and down her back . he said nothing while she sorted through the varying emotions filling her heart and whirling in her mind . she was in a bit of shock , a little pain , and a lot of pleasure . her body was aching , but the burning had already gone away , and now she was more filled with confusion than anything else . she 'd never before been with a man , and yet his soft whisperings of seduce me had made her turn into a wanton . had n't her grandmother once told her that all women were whores ? she 'd said that haley 's mother had been a whore and that 's why she 'd gotten pregnant . she 'd blamed haley 's mother for being a whore , and blamed haley for being alive . haley was an abomination that never should have been born , and it was all because of sex . lord , just remembering those bitter tirades the few times her grandmother even deigned to speak to her sent her thoughts tumbling over each other wildly . even knowing all of this , haley had still lain with a man , was still lying across his chest . she might not be fifteen , as her mother had been , but she had n't once thought about protection . his words seduce me had melted her from the inside out , and instinct had drowned out all rational thought . her body had reached blindly for relief . and she 'd felt relief in spades , though crew had n't . how could something that felt so wonderful be wrong ? what if her grandmother was wrong ? the world would end if people did n't make new children , would n't it ? so sex could n't be the evil thing her grandmother had taught her it was . the old woman had obviously had sex herself . haley had never thought to question whether her grandmother thought of herself as a whore too . maybe the old hypocrite had only done it that one time out of duty . it would n't surprise haley a bit . as haley lay in crew 's arms , she did n't feel shame , she felt ... something indescribable . she felt safe and comforted . she felt as if what she was doing was right . `` talk to me , haley . why would n't you tell me you are a virgin ? '' when she was silent , he continued . `` i did n't mean for this to go so far ... at least not tonight . i just wanted you to see how desirable you are . '' he stopped as a deep sigh emerged from within his chest and vibrated through her body . `` there 's obviously no problem there , because you made me lose my mind . i 'm still burning for you , though i know i should n't be . yes , you are an amazing seductress . '' curiosity to see whether he was telling the truth made haley move .	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she moved her fingers along his abdomen to the few hairs that trailed down from his navel , tracing the texture lazily . it felt different this time-more intense . every time you moved , the most incredible feeling passed through me . i could n't open my eyes . '' gabriel smiled to himself in relief and pressed his lips to her forehead . `` that position is deeper . and do n't forget all our foreplay at the museum . i could n't keep my hands off you during dinner . '' `` that 's because you knew i 'd lost my panties . '' `` that 's because i want you . `` every time with you is better than the last , '' she whispered . his expression grew wistful . `` but you never say my name . '' `` i say your name all the time . it 's a wonder you have n't come up with a pet name you 'd rather i use , such as gabe , or dante , or the professor . '' i mean you never say my name-when you come . '' she lifted her chin so she could see his face . his expression matched his tone , wistful and momentarily vulnerable . the confident mask had slipped . `` for me , your name is synonymous with orgasm . i 'm going to start calling them emgasms . '' he laughed loudly , a hearty , chest-bouncing chuckle that required julia to sit up . she joined him in his laughter , grateful that his moment of melancholy had passed . `` you have quite the sense of humor , miss mitchell . '' he tilted her chin upwards so he could worship her lips once more before relaxing into the pillows and drifting off to sleep . julia stayed awake a little longer as she contemplated the anxious , insecure little boy who revealed himself at rare and unexpected moments . the following morning gabriel treated julia to her preferred breakfast at cafe perseo , a fine gelateria in the piazza signoria . they sat inside because normal december temperatures had returned and it was rainy and cool . one could sit by the square all day , every day , and watch the world walk by . there were old buildings on the perimeter-the uffizi was around the corner . there was a tremendously impressive fountain and beautiful statues , including a copy of michelangelo 's david and a statue of perseus holding the dismembered head of medusa in front of a lovely loggia . julia avoided looking at perseus as she ate her gelato . gabriel avoided looking at the legions of beautiful florentine women in order to watch his beloved . `` are you sure you would n't like a taste ? raspberry and lemon are great together . '' she held out a spoon where the two flavors commingled . `` oh i want a taste . but not of that . '' `` i prefer something a trifle more exotic . '' he nudged his espresso aside so he could take her hand in his . `` thank you for last night and this morning . '' `` i think i 'm the one who should be thanking you , professor . '' she squeezed his hand and busied herself with her breakfast , such as it was . `` i 'm surprised there is n't an outline of my body vaporized onto the wall of our room . '' she giggled , holding out a small spoonful of the frozen treat . he allowed her to feed him , and when his tongue darted out to lick his lips , she found herself light-headed . a bevy of images from earlier that morning flashed through her mind . and one remained . o gods of sex-god boyfriends who enjoy pleasuring their lovers , thank you for this morning . `` you know , that was my first time . '' `` it wo n't be your last . gabriel licked his lips provocatively , eager to make her squirm . she leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek . he snaked a hand to the back of her neck and pulled her closer . her mouth was sweet with gelato and the unique taste that was julia . he groaned when he released her , wishing he could take her back to the hotel for a repeat of last night 's performance , or perhaps to the museum ... `` can i ask you something ? '' she busied herself with her bowl so she did n't have to meet his gaze . `` why did you say that i was your fiancee ? '' `` fidanzata has multiple meanings . '' `` the primary meaning is fiancee . '' `` ragazza does n't express the depth of my attachment . '' gabriel wiggled his toes in his new , tight shoes . his mouth twitched as he contemplated what to say next , if he should say anything at all . he elected to remain silent , shifting uncomfortably in his seat . julia noticed what she perceived to be his physical discomfort . `` i 'm sorry about my heels . '' `` i saw the marks on your backside when you were getting dressed this morning . i did n't mean to injure you . 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they were beside her dangling body in an instant . scooping her up , michael cradled her against his chest while ryan untangled her foot . `` she 's out cold , '' ryan murmured . she 's never fainted before in her life . '' `` hold her for a minute will you , '' michael said as he settled her into her brother 's arms . he got back on his horse , moving as far back in his saddle as he could manage so that alexandra would have enough room . `` you can hand her up to me now , '' he told him . chapter fourteen it was noon by the time alexandra 's eyes fluttered open . the early morning rain must have cleared , for the brightness that was blinding her could only be the sun 's sharp rays protruding through the window . she squinted slightly as her hand moved up to clasp her head . she recognized michael 's voice in an instant and immediately groaned her displeasure . rolling over onto her side , she pulled the pillow over her head . `` not so pleased to see me i take it . '' there was a question in his statement that she refused to answer . `` we had a duel . i won , and then you fainted . that sums it up fairly accurately . '' `` just fairly ? '' `` well , i could give you a more detailed account of how i beat you , but i 've decided to take pity on you-because you fainted of course . '' `` of course , '' came her sarcastic reply . she knew he was grinning from ear to ear . she could hear him shifting restlessly in his chair before finally getting up and walking across the room . `` this did not turn out at all the way i 'd hoped it would , '' he muttered . she snatched the pillow from her face and tossed it aside so that she might be able to see him . he was leaning with his shoulder against the wall by the window as he looked down toward the street . `` you annoy me more than any woman i have ever met . you 're as troublesome as an unruly child who refuses do as she 's told-a hoyden in the extreme . you have the breeding of a lady , but choose instead to thwart all rules of polite society . hell , you curse worse than me for heaven 's sake ! '' `` i hope that 's not a compliment , for if it is , you 're not only terrible at it but i would also hate to know what it 's like to be insulted by you . '' he threw her a chastising glance , but there was humor in his eyes . `` do you know what the most annoying thing about you is ? the thing that has me truly vexed ? '' `` i shudder to think of it . '' `` the thing that irks me more than anything else , is that in spite of all this , for some bizarre reason that i can not possibly hope to ever comprehend , i actually happen to like you . '' alexandra knew her heart must have stopped . her mouth was certainly gaping wide open in dismay . had michael ashford just confessed to liking her ? she knew he was honorable enough to marry her to save her reputation , but that he actually might like her ... with a slow thump , thump , her heart slowly began a steady beat once more . it was absolutely beyond comprehension-but then , so had been the realization that she liked him . the worst part was that she liked him more and more the more time they spent in each other 's company . things were n't at all moving in the direction that they were supposed to . she watched him turn toward her , his head tilting in a thoughtful pose . `` i really ought to get changed . my clothes are terribly dirty not to mention bloodied thanks to you . '' she shot him a look of irritation . `` would you please excuse me so i might see to it ? '' he watched her for a moment without moving , as if considering whether or not to grant her such a wish . there was a quick flicker of something in those dark eyes of his . `` yes , of course , '' he said suddenly as he straightened himself and strode toward the door . `` i shall trouble you no further . '' alexandra sank back down onto the bed , knowing full well that she 'd somehow managed to wound his pride again . could the day possibly get any worse ? following his disastrous attempt at a conversation with alexandra , michael headed for the parlor to seek comfort in a very full glass of brandy . he found ryan there , his legs thrown casually up on the table while he leaned back in his chair , book in hand . `` what are you reading this time ? '' michael asked , though not particularly interested . `` some nonsense by moliere , '' ryan muttered , snapping the book shut and placing it in his lap . `` funny nonsense , i have to admit , but nonsense all the same . 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`` remember how i felt inside you . remember how deep ... how i filled you ... '' she quivered in longing , her blood hot , her br*sts heavy and aching . his callused fingertips rolled and tugged at her nipple , sending waves of pleasure along the length of her body . `` colin- '' he came over her and took her mouth , inundating her senses with the taste of brandy and the exotic spice that was uniquely his . she moaned in delight , sucking at his thrusting tongue in a desperate effort to drink in more of him . distantly , she felt his hands on her thighs . the chill of the evening air over feverish skin betrayed the lifting of her gown . as everything tightened and coiled in anticipation of his touch , amelia whimpered into his mouth . his knee intruded between hers , urging her legs apart . shameless , she complied , spreading her thighs to give him access to the throbbing flesh at the apex . colin lifted his head and watched her as he cupped her sex in his hand . `` you melt for me , '' he breathed , his chest lifting and falling rapidly . he pushed two fingers inside her , and she arched in helpless pleasure . the feel of him there , where she ached , was too much . wrapping her arms around his shoulders , she breathed , `` come in me . fill me . '' his gaze darkened , the irises swallowed by dilated pupils . `` there is so much i can do to your body , amelia . so many ways to impart pleasure . shall i show you what you will miss when we part ? '' `` you left me first . '' his seductive tone was in sharp contrast to the pain she saw on his features . if i love you well enough ... if i addict your body to mine ... will you come back to me ? '' her lower lip quivered and he licked across it , his breath hot and scented of liquor . his fingers advanced and retreated , plunging shallowly into her clenching sex , building her ardor with tender skill . it was searingly intimate , but in a different way than before . the emotions they bared were not hope and pleasure but despair and pain . `` it would be worth everything , '' he said in a serrated whisper , `` if there was any chance that you might love me again . '' she cried softly , tears trailing down her temples to wet her hair . `` lack of love for you is not the problem . '' colin pressed his cheek to hers . `` my greatest regret is that i could not be enough for you , despite my best efforts . '' amelia turned her head and pressed her lips to his , unwilling to argue again about their differences when he was already hurting . he took her kiss with tangible desperation , his heart beating so violently , she could hear it over her own racing pulse . all the while his shoulders flexed beneath her touch , the muscles working to propel his fingers into her drenched , aching sex . she cried out softly , a thready sound of female surrender and lust . the sound changed him ; she felt it . the wounded boy from her past gave way to the determined man of her present . desperation altered to dominance ; despair altered to desire . when his head lifted and he met her gaze again , he had the devil in his eyes . `` if only you could see what i see , '' he murmured , gentling his fingers , pulling free of her to slide across her clitoris with a slick , expert touch . she gasped , her hps lifting involuntarily in an effort to increase the pressure of his teasing rubbing . `` always hungry , '' he whispered , `` always passionate . you burn for me , amelia , as if you had gypsy blood in your veins . '' colin nipped at her chin , then slid lower , licking along her throat until he reached the obtrusive ruffled neckline of her night rail . he moved , taking a kneeling position , hovering over her in a way that made her feel ravished . she was splayed beneath him , her clothes in disarray , his fingers touching her as only a husband should . the wantonness of her pose only increased her ardor , made her hotter and more desperate . he pushed up her gown , higher and higher , until her stiffened n**ples were kissed by the air and then by his mouth . his tongue was an instrument of pleasure and agony . the gentle licking over the tight peak made her clutch at his hair and pull him closer . as he suckled her , his cheeks hollowed , goading the sensations bombarding her until there was no way to register them all . her beautiful , exotic colin was making love to her as she had never dreamed he would , and she could not resist him . his need and longing tapped into her own , freeing her of her inhibitions , making her a willing supplicant to his demands .	[["remember", 11], ["rememberest", 11], ["feel", 22], ["felt", 22], ["inside", 29], ["deep", 53], ["deeply", 53], ["fill", 70], ["fills", 70], ["filled", 70], ["quiver", 94], ["quiverest", 94], ["quivered", 94], ["longing", 105], ["blood", 117], ["bloods", 117], ["blooded", 117], ["hot", 121], ["heavy", 141], ["heavies", 141], ["heavier", 141], ["callus", 167], ["callused", 167], ["fingertip", 178], ["fingertips", 178], ["roll", 185], ["rolled", 185], ["tug", 196], ["tugging", 196], ["tugged", 196], ["nipple", 210], ["nipples", 210], ["send", 220], ["sending", 220], ["wave", 226], ["waved", 226], ["waves", 226], ["pleasure", 238], ["along", 244], ["length", 255], ["body", 267], ["bodied", 267], ["come", 290], ["came", 290], ["take", 308], ["took", 308], ["mouth", 318], ["mouthed", 318], ["inundate", 331], ["inundating", 331], ["sense", 342], ["senses", 342], ["taste", 357], ["brandy", 367], ["exotic", 382], ["spice", 388], ["uniquely", 406], ["moan", 423], ["moans", 423], ["moanest", 423], ["moaned", 423], ["delight", 434], ["suck", 444], ["sucking", 444], ["thrust", 461], ["thrusting", 461], ["tongue", 468], ["tonguing", 468], ["desperate", 483], ["effort", 490], ["drank", 499], ["drink", 499], ["drinking", 499], ["distantly", 526], ["hand", 547], ["hands", 547], ["thigh", 561], ["thighs", 561], ["chill", 573], ["chills", 573], ["chilling", 573], ["evening", 588], ["air", 592], ["airs", 592], ["airing", 592], ["feverish", 606], ["skin", 611], ["betray", 620], ["betrayed", 620], ["betraying", 620], ["lift", 632], ["lifting", 632], ["gown", 644], ["gowns", 644], ["gowning", 644], ["everything", 660], ["tighten", 670], ["tightens", 670], ["tightenest", 670], ["tightened", 670], ["coil", 681], ["coiled", 681], ["anticipation", 697], ["touch", 710], ["touching", 710], ["amelia", 719], ["whimper", 729], ["whimpering", 729], ["whimpered", 729], ["knee", 755], ["intrude", 764], ["intruded", 764], ["urge", 786], ["urging", 786], ["leg", 795], ["legs", 795], ["apart", 801], ["shameless", 813], ["comply", 828], ["complied", 828], ["spread", 840], ["spreading", 840], ["give", 859], ["access", 870], ["accessest", 870], ["flesh", 893], ["fleshest", 893], ["apex", 905], ["colin", 913], ["lift", 920], ["lifted", 920], ["head", 929], ["watch", 941], ["watched", 941], ["cup", 958], ["cupped", 958], ["sex", 966], ["hand", 978], ["melt", 992], ["meltest", 992], ["breathes", 1016], ["breathed", 1016], ["chest", 1028], ["fall", 1048], ["falls", 1048], ["falling", 1048], ["rapidly", 1056], ["push", 1068], ["pushed", 1068], ["two", 1072], ["twos", 1072], ["finger", 1080], ["fingers", 1080], ["arch", 1108], ["arched", 1108], ["helpless", 1120], ["feel", 1140], ["ache", 1171], ["ached", 1171], ["much", 1186], ["wrap", 1197], ["wraps", 1197], ["wrapping", 1197], ["arm", 1206], ["arms", 1206], ["around", 1213], ["shoulder", 1227], ["shouldered", 1227], ["shoulders", 1227], ["come", 1252], ["fill", 1265], ["fills", 1265], ["gaze", 1282], ["gazes", 1282], ["darken", 1291], ["darkened", 1291], ["iris", 1304], ["irises", 1304], ["swallow", 1314], ["swallows", 1314], ["swallowed", 1314], ["pupil", 1332], ["pupils", 1332], ["many", 1395], ["way", 1400], ["ways", 1400], ["impart", 1410], ["shall", 1427], ["show", 1434], ["miss", 1457], ["part", 1470], ["parting", 1470], ["left", 1487], ["leave", 1487], ["first", 1496], ["firstest", 1496], ["seductive", 1515], ["tone", 1520], ["toned", 1520], ["toning", 1520], ["sharp", 1533], ["sharps", 1533], ["contrast", 1542], ["pain", 1554], ["see", 1562], ["saw", 1562], ["feature", 1578], ["features", 1578], ["love", 1590], ["well", 1599], ["wells", 1599], ["enough", 1606], ["addict", 1622], ["back", 1663], ["low", 1684], ["lowed", 1684], ["lowers", 1684], ["lowerest", 1684], ["lip", 1688], ["lipped", 1688], ["lick", 1711], ["licked", 1711], ["across", 1718], ["breath", 1734], ["breathest", 1734], ["scent", 1750], ["scentest", 1750], ["scented", 1750], ["liquor", 1760], ["advance", 1783], ["advancest", 1783], ["retreat", 1797], ["retreatest", 1797], ["retreated", 1797], ["plunge", 1808], ["plunging", 1808], ["shallowly", 1818], ["clench", 1837], ["clenched", 1837], ["build", 1852], ["builds", 1852], ["ardor", 1862], ["tender", 1874], ["tenderest", 1874], ["skill", 1880], ["searingly", 1899], ["intimate", 1908], ["different", 1929], ["way", 1933], ["ways", 1933], ["emotion", 1960], ["emotions", 1960], ["bare", 1971], ["bared", 1971], ["hope", 1985], ["despair", 2010], ["despairing", 2010], ["worth", 2042], ["say", 2066], ["sayest", 2066], ["said", 2066], ["whisper", 2088], ["chance", 2117], ["chanced", 2117], ["chancing", 2117], ["may", 2132], ["mays", 2132], ["mayest", 2132], ["might", 2132], ["cry", 2161], ["cried", 2161], ["softly", 2168], ["tear", 2176], ["teared", 2176], ["tears", 2176], ["trail", 2185], ["trailing", 2185], ["temple", 2202], ["temples", 2202], ["wet", 2209], ["hair", 2218], ["lack", 2228], ["problem", 2263], ["press", 2282], ["pressed", 2282], ["cheek", 2292], ["cheeks", 2292], ["great", 2317], ["greatest", 2317], ["regret", 2324], ["despite", 2372], ["good", 2380], ["best", 2380], ["effort", 2388], ["efforts", 2388], ["turn", 2407], ["turned", 2407], ["lip", 2437], ["lipped", 2437], ["lips", 2437], ["unwilling", 2456], ["argue", 2465], ["difference", 2495], ["differences", 2495], ["already", 2515], ["hurt", 2523], ["hurts", 2523], ["hurting", 2523], ["kiss", 2542], ["kisses", 2542], ["kissest", 2542], ["tangible", 2556], ["desperation", 2568], ["heart", 2580], ["beat", 2588], ["beating", 2588], ["violently", 2601], ["hear", 2618], ["hears", 2618], ["pulse", 2647], ["flex", 2684], ["flexes", 2684], ["beneath", 2692], ["muscle", 2716], ["muscles", 2716], ["work", 2724], ["wrought", 2724], ["working", 2724], ["propel", 2734], ["propeling", 2734], ["drench", 2764], ["drenched", 2764], ["ache", 2773], ["ached", 2773], ["aching", 2773], ["thready", 2812], ["sound", 2818], ["female", 2828], ["surrender", 2838], ["surrenders", 2838], ["surrenderest", 2838], ["surrendering", 2838], ["lust", 2847], ["lusts", 2847], ["change", 2867], ["changed", 2867], ["boy", 2903], ["past", 2917], ["give", 2922], ["gave", 2922], ["man", 2948], ["mans", 2948], ["manned", 2948], ["present", 2963], ["presentest", 2963], ["alter", 2985], ["altered", 2985], ["dominance", 2998], ["desire", 3026], ["meet", 3060], ["meeted", 3060], ["met", 3060], ["devil", 3094], ["devils", 3094], ["eye", 3106], ["eyed", 3106], ["eyes", 3106], ["see", 3133], ["murmur", 3161], ["murmurest", 3161], ["murmured", 3161], ["gentle", 3172], ["gentler", 3172], ["gentling", 3172], ["pull", 3194], ["pulling", 3194], ["free", 3199], ["slid", 3215], ["clitoris", 3235], ["slick", 3248], ["expert", 3257], ["gasp", 3276], ["gasps", 3276], ["gasped", 3276], ["involuntarily", 3309], ["increase", 3334], ["pressure", 3347], ["pressured", 3347], ["teasing", 3362], ["rubbing", 3370], ["always", 3382], ["hungry", 3389], ["whisper", 3407], ["whispered", 3407], ["passionate", 3430], ["burn", 3441], ["burns", 3441], ["gypsy", 3479], ["vein", 3499], ["veins", 3499], ["nip", 3517], ["nipped", 3517], ["chin", 3529], ["slid", 3541], ["lick", 3557], ["licking", 3557], ["throat", 3574], ["reach", 3591], ["reached", 3591], ["obtrusive", 3605], ["neckline", 3622], ["necklines", 3622], ["night", 3635], ["rail", 3640], ["move", 3651], ["moved", 3651], ["take", 3660], ["taking", 3660], ["position", 3680], ["hover", 3691], ["hovering", 3691], ["ravish", 3737], ["ravished", 3737], ["splay", 3755], ["splayed", 3755], ["clad", 3781], ["clothe", 3781], ["clothes", 3781], ["disarray", 3793], ["disarrayed", 3793], ["touch", 3816], ["touching", 3816], ["husband", 3838], ["husbanding", 3838], ["wantonness", 3862], ["pose", 3874], ["increase", 3889], ["increased", 3889], ["hot", 3917], ["high", 3969], ["kiss", 4022], ["kisses", 4022], ["kissest", 4022], ["kissed", 4022], ["instrument", 4086], ["agony", 4108], ["gentle", 4121], ["gentler", 4121], ["tight", 4144], ["peak", 4149], ["clutch", 4165], ["pull", 4186], ["close", 4197], ["closer", 4197], ["suckle", 4213], ["suckled", 4213], ["cheek", 4230], ["cheeks", 4230], ["hollow", 4239], ["hollowed", 4239], ["goad", 4249], ["goading", 4249], ["sensation", 4264], ["sensations", 4264], ["bombard", 4275], ["bombards", 4275], ["bombarding", 4275], ["register", 4314], ["beautiful", 4339], ["beautifulest", 4339], ["never", 4394], ["dream", 4402], ["dreamt", 4402], ["dreamest", 4402], ["dreamed", 4402], ["resist", 4438], ["resistest", 4438], ["need", 4453], ["needest", 4453], ["tap", 4472], ["tapped", 4472], ["free", 4495], ["freeing", 4495], ["inhibition", 4518], ["inhibitions", 4518], ["willing", 4541], ["supplicant", 4552], ["demand", 4567], ["demandest", 4567], ["demands", 4567]]
`` there 's anne marie . '' phoebe impulsively stood up to wave . ellen was with her , as well as another couple she did n't recognize . anne marie waved back from several rows below . sitting down again , phoebe leaned forward to ask lydia , `` who 's that couple with anne marie and ellen ? '' lydia shaded her eyes , peering down at them , then shook her head . after a moment she twisted around to speak to phoebe again . `` anne marie 's been dating this guy named tim , but i do n't think that 's him . '' `` well , mainly because he 's holding hands with the other woman . '' `` the thing is , it sort of looks like him . '' `` once , when i dropped into the bookstore to pick something up and he was there . '' hutch returned , holding a cardboard container laden with two huge hot dogs slathered with condiments , including sauerkraut and mustard , plus two giant-size sodas and a bag of hot , roasted peanuts . `` i hope you 're hungry , '' he warned , sitting down beside her . `` did you bring me any chocolate , mr. mount rainier ? '' margaret asked , scooting past several other people in order to sit next to her sister . elise trailed behind her , knitting in hand . phoebe nudged him in the ribs . ever since the knitting group had heard that he was the head of mount rainier chocolates , hutch had gotten into the habit of bringing chocolate to class . the mount saint helens bar had launched nationally and , according to hutch , had been well received . the sales reports were just coming back and he was thrilled with its success so far . cody shouted , leaping to his feet . `` we 're on the big screen ! '' phoebe swiveled her head to the huge screen , and sure enough , the entire knitting section was on display . cody , waving both arms , stood out prominently . phoebe laughed , and then everyone in the group held up their knitting . unprepared , hitch and phoebe scrambled to f launt their sampler scarves . she nearly dumped her hot dog on margaret 's head in the process , but saved it from catapulting forward in the nick of time . knitters sat on every side of them and the mood was jovial as they showed one another their current efforts . several yarn stores had set up booths by the concession stands and phoebe could n't resist looking-and buying . until now , she 'd resisted purchasing yarn for anything beyond her current project . she 'd discovered that she enjoyed knitting ; the problem was , she did n't have enough free time now that she was seeing hutch almost every day . she 'd taken to knitting during her lunch break , which was the only reason she 'd been able to keep up with the class . next wednesday , the f irst wednesday of august , would be their last class . she 'd be f inished with her scarf , and she wanted to start something new . she chose sock yarn in the mariners ' colors , thinking she 'd take another class-this one on sockknitting taught by elise-and give the finished product to hutch . hutch asked when she rejoined him . she opened the bag and proudly revealed her booty . `` i 'm going to learn to knit socks . '' `` terrif ic . '' he smiled down at her-and kept smiling . for that matter so did phoebe . although they were surrounded by thousands of cheering fans , they were gazing only at each other . `` i thought i 'd knit them for you , '' she whispered . he did n't say anything , but reached for her hand and entwined their f ingers , his grip hard . she squeezed back , wanting him to know she shared the intensity of his feelings . `` excuse me , guys , '' alix said , hurrying past . `` oh , sorry , '' hutch said , standing up so alix and jordan could get by . `` where are they off to in such a hurry ? '' phoebe asked no one in particular . `` no idea , '' margaret answered , her f ingers moving the crochet hook with speed and dexterity . she seemed to be working on an afghan . casey was crocheting , too , and lydia was knitting . what most impressed phoebe was that lydia could knit without even looking at the needles . phoebe , on the other hand , watched every single stitch for fear of making a mistake . the thought of having to rip out a row traumatized her , although she 'd been forced to do so often enough . a few minutes later , alix was back , this time without jordan . `` sorry , '' she mumbled as she stepped over phoebe 's feet .	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550], ["hand", 556], ["hands", 556], ["woman", 577], ["womans", 577], ["thing", 595], ["sort", 608], ["look", 617], ["looks", 617], ["like", 622], ["drop", 656], ["dropped", 656], ["bookstore", 675], ["pick", 683], ["hutch", 724], ["hutches", 724], ["return", 733], ["returnest", 733], ["returned", 733], ["cardboard", 755], ["container", 765], ["laden", 771], ["two", 780], ["twos", 780], ["huge", 785], ["hot", 789], ["dog", 794], ["dogs", 794], ["slather", 804], ["condiment", 820], ["condiments", 820], ["include", 832], ["including", 832], ["sauerkraut", 843], ["mustard", 855], ["mustards", 855], ["plus", 862], ["giant", 872], ["size", 877], ["bag", 893], ["bagged", 893], ["bagging", 893], ["peanut", 918], ["peanuts", 918], ["hope", 930], ["hungry", 945], ["warn", 960], ["warned", 960], ["beside", 982], ["bring", 1005], ["chocolate", 1022], ["mr", 1027], ["mount", 1034], ["mounted", 1034], ["mountest", 1034], ["rainier", 1042], ["margaret", 1056], ["ask", 1062], ["asked", 1062], ["scoot", 1073], ["past", 1078], ["people", 1099], ["order", 1108], ["orderest", 1108], ["sat", 1115], ["sit", 1115], ["next", 1120], ["sister", 1134], ["elise", 1142], ["trail", 1150], ["trailed", 1150], ["behind", 1157], ["knit", 1172], ["knits", 1172], ["knitted", 1172], ["knitting", 1172], ["hand", 1180], ["nudge", 1196], ["nudges", 1196], ["nudged", 1196], ["rib", 1212], ["ribs", 1212], ["ever", 1219], ["everest", 1219], ["since", 1225], ["group", 1244], ["hear", 1254], ["hears", 1254], ["heard", 1254], ["chocolate", 1303], ["chocolates", 1303], ["get", 1322], ["gotten", 1322], ["habit", 1337], ["habiting", 1337], ["bring", 1349], ["bringing", 1349], ["class", 1368], ["classing", 1368], ["classest", 1368], ["saint", 1386], ["saintes", 1386], ["bar", 1397], ["launch", 1410], ["launched", 1410], ["nationally", 1421], ["accord", 1437], ["according", 1437], ["receive", 1471], ["received", 1471], ["sale", 1483], ["sales", 1483], ["report", 1491], ["reports", 1491], ["come", 1508], ["coming", 1508], ["thrill", 1533], ["thrilled", 1533], ["success", 1550], ["successes", 1550], ["far", 1557], ["cody", 1564], ["shout", 1572], ["shouted", 1572], ["leap", 1582], ["leaps", 1582], ["leaping", 1582], ["foot", 1594], ["feet", 1594], ["big", 1617], ["bigs", 1617], ["screen", 1624], ["screening", 1624], ["swivel", 1645], ["swiveled", 1645], ["sure", 1684], ["enough", 1691], ["entire", 1704], ["section", 1721], ["sectioning", 1721], ["display", 1736], ["wave", 1752], ["waved", 1752], ["waving", 1752], ["arm", 1762], ["arms", 1762], ["prominently", 1786], ["laugh", 1803], ["laughed", 1803], ["everyone", 1823], ["hold", 1841], ["held", 1841], ["unprepared", 1872], ["hitch", 1880], ["hitched", 1880], ["hitches", 1880], ["scramble", 1901], ["scrambled", 1901], ["f", 1906], ["fs", 1906], ["ves", 1906], ["sampler", 1926], ["scarf", 1934], ["nearly", 1947], ["dump", 1954], ["dumped", 1954], ["dog", 1966], ["process", 2001], ["save", 2013], ["saved", 2013], ["catapult", 2033], ["catapults", 2033], ["catapulting", 2033], ["nick", 2053], ["nicked", 2053], ["knitter", 2072], ["knitters", 2072], ["sat", 2076], ["sit", 2076], ["every", 2085], ["side", 2090], ["sidest", 2090], ["mood", 2111], ["jovial", 2122], ["show", 2137], ["showed", 2137], ["current", 2163], ["effort", 2171], ["efforts", 2171], ["yarn", 2186], ["store", 2193], ["stores", 2193], ["set", 2201], ["booth", 2211], ["booths", 2211], ["concession", 2229], ["stood", 2236], ["stand", 2236], ["standest", 2236], ["stands", 2236], ["resist", 2264], ["resistest", 2264], ["look", 2272], ["looking", 2272], ["resist", 2313], ["resistest", 2313], ["resisted", 2313], ["purchase", 2324], ["purchasing", 2324], ["anything", 2342], ["beyond", 2349], ["project", 2369], ["projectest", 2369], ["discover", 2389], ["discovered", 2389], ["enjoy", 2406], ["enjoyed", 2406], ["problem", 2429], ["free", 2464], ["see", 2493], ["seeing", 2493], ["almost", 2506], ["day", 2516], ["take", 2531], ["taken", 2531], ["lunch", 2560], ["lunched", 2560], ["lunches", 2560], ["break", 2566], ["broke", 2566], ["reason", 2594], ["reasonest", 2594], ["able", 2611], ["abled", 2611], ["keep", 2619], ["keepest", 2619], ["wednesday", 2654], ["august", 2687], ["last", 2709], ["scarf", 2752], ["start", 2778], ["new", 2792], ["choose", 2804], ["chose", 2804], ["sock", 2809], ["socks", 2809], ["socked", 2809], ["mariner", 2830], ["mariners", 2830], ["color", 2839], ["colors", 2839], ["think", 2850], ["thinkest", 2850], ["thinking", 2850], ["take", 2862], ["teach", 2908], ["taught", 2908], ["give", 2926], ["product", 2947], ["rejoin", 2988], ["rejoined", 2988], ["open", 3005], ["opened", 3005], ["proudly", 3025], ["reveal", 3034], ["revealed", 3034], ["booty", 3044], ["go", 3060], ["goest", 3060], ["going", 3060], ["learn", 3069], ["learnt", 3069], ["learns", 3069], ["knit", 3077], ["knits", 3077], ["knitted", 3077], ["sock", 3083], ["socks", 3083], ["socked", 3083], ["ic", 3101], ["smile", 3116], ["smiled", 3116], ["keep", 3137], ["keepest", 3137], ["kept", 3137], ["smile", 3145], ["smiling", 3145], ["matter", 3163], ["mattering", 3163], ["although", 3188], ["surround", 3209], ["surrounded", 3209], ["thousand", 3222], ["thousands", 3222], ["cheer", 3234], ["cheering", 3234], ["fan", 3239], ["fans", 3239], ["gaze", 3258], ["gazes", 3258], ["gazing", 3258], ["think", 3292], ["thought", 3292], ["thinkest", 3292], ["whisper", 3334], ["whispered", 3334], ["say", 3351], ["sayest", 3351], ["reach", 3374], ["reached", 3374], ["entwine", 3400], ["entwines", 3400], ["entwined", 3400], ["inger", 3415], ["grip", 3426], ["hard", 3431], ["squeeze", 3446], ["squeezes", 3446], ["squeezed", 3446], ["know", 3473], ["knowest", 3473], ["share", 3484], ["shared", 3484], ["intensity", 3498], ["feeling", 3514], ["feelings", 3514], ["excuse", 3526], ["guy", 3536], ["guys", 3536], ["alix", 3546], ["say", 3551], ["sayest", 3551], ["said", 3551], ["hurry", 3562], ["hurried", 3562], ["hurryed", 3562], ["hurrying", 3562], ["oh", 3575], ["sorry", 3583], ["stood", 3610], ["stand", 3610], ["standest", 3610], ["standing", 3610], ["jordan", 3632], ["get", 3642], ["hurry", 3688], ["hurried", 3688], ["hurryed", 3688], ["hurrying", 3688], ["particular", 3727], ["idea", 3740], ["answer", 3763], ["answeres", 3763], ["answerest", 3763], ["answered", 3763], ["move", 3785], ["moving", 3785], ["crochet", 3797], ["crocheting", 3797], ["hook", 3802], ["speed", 3813], ["speeding", 3813], ["dexterity", 3827], ["seem", 3840], ["seeming", 3840], ["seemed", 3840], ["work", 3854], ["wrought", 3854], ["working", 3854], ["afghan", 3867], ["afghans", 3867], ["casey", 3875], ["crochet", 3890], ["crocheting", 3890], ["without", 3984], ["even", 3989], ["evens", 3989], ["watch", 4051], ["watched", 4051], ["single", 4064], ["stitch", 4071], ["fear", 4080], ["fearest", 4080], ["mistake", 4100], ["mistook", 4100], ["mistaken", 4100], ["rip", 4131], ["row", 4141], ["rowest", 4141], ["traumatize", 4153], ["traumatized", 4153], ["force", 4187], ["forced", 4187], ["often", 4202], ["minute", 4225], ["minutes", 4225], ["later", 4231], ["mumble", 4302], ["mumbles", 4302], ["mumbled", 4302], ["step", 4317], ["stepped", 4317]]
we shared a few more pleasantries in the foyer ; hanna updated her mother and liv on the latest news from graduate school , rob and i spoke idly about the knicks before helena gestured to the kitchen . `` i 'm going to get back in there . come on down for a cocktail after you 've settled in a little . '' i grabbed our bags and followed hanna up the stairs . `` put will in the yellow room , '' helena called . `` was that my room before ? '' i asked , checking out hanna 's perfect ass . she had always been slender , but the running was doing really great things for her curves . `` no , you were in the white guest room , the other one , '' she said , and then turned to smile at me over her shoulder . `` not that i remember every detail of that summer or anything . '' i laughed and stepped past her into the bedroom that was meant to be mine for the night . the question came out before i 'd really considered whether it was a good thing to ask , and certainly whether i 'd checked to make sure no one else had followed us up here . she looked back over her shoulder and then stepped inside , closing the door . `` two doors down . '' the space seemed to shrink , and we stood , staring at each other . it was the first time since we left new york that i considered this might be a horrible idea . i was in love with hanna . how would i be able to keep that from showing every time i looked at her ? tilting her head , she whispered , `` you okay ? '' `` just ... want to kiss you . '' she took a few steps closer until she could run her hands under my shirt and up my chest . i bent , pressing a single , chaste kiss to her mouth . `` but i should n't , '' i said against her lips when she came back for another . her mouth moved over my chin , down my jaw , sucking , nibbling . beneath my shirt , she scratched my chest with her fingernails , lightly sliding over my nples . in only seconds i was rigid , ready , felt the fever slide over my skin and dig down into my muscles . `` i wo n't want to stop at just kissing , '' i said , half-warning for her to stop , half-plea for her to keep going . `` we have a little time before everyone else gets here , '' she said . she stepped back far enough to unbutton my jeans . `` we could- '' i stilled her hands , the cautious side winning out . `` that is n't the only issue i have with fking you in your parents ' house-during daylight , no less . did n't we just have this conversation outside ? '' but what if this is the only time we 'll be alone together ? '' `` do n't you want to fool around with me here ? '' `` hanna , '' i hissed , closing my eyes and stifling a groan as she pushed my jeans and boxers down my h*ps and wrapped a warm , tight hand around my shaft . she stopped , holding me gently . i opened my eyes , looking at her . i did n't like to be quick ever , but especially not with hanna . i liked to take my time . but if she was offering herself to me and we only had five minutes , i could handle five minutes . the rest of the family had n't arrived yet ; maybe it would be okay . and then i remembered : `` fuck . i do n't have any condoms . i did n't pack any . she cursed , wincing . the question hung between us when she looked at me , eyes wide and pleading . `` no , '' i said without her having to say a word . `` but i 've been on the pill for years . '' i closed my eyes , jaw tight . pregnancy was the only thing i 'd really been worried about . even in my wildest days , i 'd never had sex without a condom . in the past several years i was tested for anything every few months anyway . `` no , you 're right , '' she said , thumb sweeping over the head of my cock , spreading the moisture there . `` it 's not just about getting pregnant . it 's about being safe ... '' `` i 've never had sex without a condom , '' i blurted . who knew i had a death wish ? `` never even rubbed around on the outside . i 'm too paranoid . '' `` what about 'just the tip ' ? i thought every guy did just the tip as a point of habit . '' `` i 'm paranoid and careful . i know it only takes one time . '' i smiled at her , knowing she 'd understand the reference : i was an `` oops '' baby . her eyes darkened , moved to stare at my mouth . this would be your first time like this ? '' when she looked at me like that , when her voice got all husky and quiet , i was lost . it was n't just a physical attraction between us . of course i 'd been attracted to women before .	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and now i 'm in knots because of one man , and my own advice is worth shit because there is no other man like him to me . i no longer even feel free . i 'm taken and yet the man who 's emotionally taken me wo n't have me . if i were n't so angry and frustrated , i 'd throw the biggest damn pity party of my life after the one i threw in the olympic trial fallout . pete tells him in the car , sighing with pure delight . `` great fight , son , '' coach says , sounding the happiest i 've ever heard the somber man speak . silence follows , and i hold still in my seat and keep my gaze on the lights flickering out the window as though i 'm not even hearing their conversation . i absolutely refuse to gush about my roses or compliment him . yes , his fans showered me with roses and he fought like a true freaking wonderful champion ... my psy clenches as i remember the powerful plows of his fists , and now i refuse to think more about that either . `` you totally killed it , '' riley says . i notice remington does n't answer their compliments . his gaze now feels like a scorching brand on my profile and his energy is becoming as tumultuous as mine . he must have wanted a different reaction to his gesture . he must have wanted me to be all gushy and tell him , `` oh my stars , you 're so amazing ! '' because i hate what he does to me . i hate that i want him like this , i hate that i feel so volatile , i want to tear his eyes out and then go cry about it . i want to fling all these roses in his lap and tell him to fk them now because i do n't even want him to f*k me anymore ! so when the roses are set with water in one of the ice buckets in my room and my anger has festered into gargantuan proportions , i storm down the hall and find pete in the living room outside the master bedroom . he points to his door , and i charge forward , slam the door shut , lock it behind me , and spot him across the room , standing in the threshold of the bathroom . he 's fully nakd , dripping wet , fresh out of the shower with a towel in his hand , and instantly he jumps erect . his stunned gaze fixes on me , and the towel falls at his feet . i 've never had this view of him in the nude , and to see his physical perfection and the most beautiful cck i 've ever seen , perfectly working , only enrages me further . the blood rushes like burning lava in my veins as i charge forward and slam my fists repeatedly into his chest , as hard as i can without breaking my own bones . he grabs my wrists and angrily yanks me forward , pinning my arms down . `` why 'd you want to have sex with me ? to have a fking adventure ? your one-night-fking stand ? i want you to give yourself to me-not riptide ! '' `` i wo n't ever be yours if you do n't take me . `` you do n't know me , '' he strains out through gritted teeth , his face anxious as he clenches my wrists at my sides . he grabs my face in one open hand and squeezes both my cheeks , his eyes violently blue and almost frantic . i ca n't sleep , ca n't think , ca n't concentrate worth shit anymore and it 's all because i want to be the fking 'one ' for you and as soon as you realize what i am , all i 'll be is a fking mistake ! '' i 'm a f*king ticking time bomb , and if one of my staff messes up when i get another episode , the next person i hurt can be you . my eyes sting as the words float like awful whiplashes in my head . every shocking word stuns me to my bones . he curses and releases me , and i take a step back and watch him angrily step into a pair of drawstring pants . helplessly , i watch him grab a t-shirt from the closet , and my heart has completely stopped beating in my chest . the word `` bipolar '' is not really a word i 'm familiar with , except by listening to it from afar . i 've never met anyone who 's had it , but suddenly i go back through these weeks , and i get a little hint of it . remy both loves and hates himself . he loves and hates his life . one second it 's all good , the next it 's all bad . he 's hot , then he 's cold . maybe he 's never been accepted , not even by himself , and maybe everyone drops him cold the second it gets ... steep . a thousand emotions roil in my chest , and i can barely contain them all in my body .	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she could be a dutiful wife when the occasion called for it , she thought grimly , enjoying the way he blanched and rose abruptly to fall back from her approach . continuing forward , she widened her eyes innocently . `` why , my lord , i thought you wished to continue speaking to me ? covering his nose , lord holden retreated desperately . she could see the thoughts in his head . a good warrior knew when to attack and when to retreat . this discussion was one best kept for another time . when his wife was not quite so ripe . turning abruptly , he rushed for the keep doors . `` i am going to the village tavern to join my men . i want the hall aired while i am gone . the door slammed on his last word and helen sneered at it . `` see to it , '' she muttered , turning toward the stairs . he could see to it himself when he returned . she was going to her room for a good cry . perhaps if she cried hard and long enough , her nose would stuff up again and she would be free of her stink long enough to get some more rest . sighing despondently , she started up the stairs . `` we should have eaten at the keep . i thought you said the food at your picnic from here was good . '' hethe glanced up at william 's miserable comment . he could n't blame the man for making it , though . he had thought the meals placed before him at the keep unpleasant , but this tavern 's salty stew , tough and blackened meat , and watered-down ale were worse than anything he had been served by helen 's cook . william had not been treated to the same awful fare that his master himself had suffered . and this was nothing like the chicken he 'd had the other day from this tavern . ah well , perhaps they were waiting for more supplies ... or something . sighing , hethe chewed determinedly at the black meat he 'd been given . he could not even hazard a guess as to its nature . it may have been beef ; then again it may have been chicken . it was charred and dried out to the point that he could not tell . the tavern owner 's wife came forward , slamming a pitcher with more diluted ale on the table , spared a moment to glare at her guests , then marched away . well , she tried to march , but it was really more of a waddle . the woman was pregnant , obviously so , and very far along , and hethe was surprised she was still waiting tables in her advanced condition . he watched her waddle through the kitchen door , his eyes sharpening as they landed on an old woman waiting on the other side . hethe stopped his chewing at once , stiffening where he sat . it was the old hag who had nearly boiled his balls off with his bathwater the day he arrived . dear god , the old harpy was following him around , making his life miserable , he realized with dismay . first she was in the castle , now she was here - and he did n't doubt for a minute that she was behind this horrendous meal . standing abruptly , he spat the inedible meat on the floor and made his way grimly toward the kitchen . a sudden silence fell over the room as he did . hethe ignored the sudden absence of conversation , his focus on the kitchen door and the old hag behind it . the women in the kitchen must have been warned by the silence in the common room , for both of them stood frozen inside the door , huddled together and watching warily when hethe appeared . he paused just inside the room , his gaze moving from one woman to the other . the younger of the two looked terrified , her eyes great round holes of panic . the older just looked grim and resigned . she shifted , placing herself before the younger in a protective gesture . `` is there something wrong with your meal , m'lord ? '' the old hag had the audacity to sneer as she spoke the title , hethe noted , greatly taken aback . `` you 're not afraid of me , '' he realized with amazement . the silly old witch should be afraid of him . any commoner with any sense - especially one who had just served her liege a meal unfit for dogs - would have been terrified of his temper . the old hag was n't . `` i 'm an old woman , '' she pointed out with a smile . `` the worst ye can do is beat and kill me , and how many years of my life would you really be taking ? '' hethe stiffened . `` i do not beat or kill old people , '' he snapped impatiently . `` sure ye do . old bets was eighty if she was a day when ye had her killed . and ye 've done worse than that , too . ye 'd do it to me easy enough , i 'd wager . '' `` old bets ? who the devil is she ? and who filled your head with these black lies ? '' hethe asked with disgust .	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there was a beep , and i felt a slight flutter under my fingers . i twisted and pulled just a minute amount and there it wasjason 's heartbeat . the monitor followed with a steady beep , beep , beep ... the doctor pulled out the syringe . he walked back to the others . they gathered their gear and left shaking their heads . `` i still do n't believe itand i saw it with my own eyes . '' jason 's mom scooted her chair closer to the head of the gurneystill holding jason 's hand . every once in a while , she would brush back my hair as i continued to breath for him . at first i thought it was just so she could see jason 's face better , but the more she did it , the more it seemed like she was also trying to comfort me . she was an amazingly , compassionate woman . i closed off everything but jason as his energy continued to fade . i 'd wondered about benjaim and elizabeth for a little while , but come to the conclusion that they had probably come just for verification . if they 'd really gone this time , it would be difficult to end my existence unless elizabeth was n't lying about my deterioration . perhaps i would go , and take jason with me . now though , there was nothing but jason 's heartbeat , the breathmy breath rushing in and out of his lungs and my whisper between breaths , `` i love you . '' slowly , i became aware of a hand on my shoulder . i 'd lost all concept of time , it could have been minutes , hours since i folded my focus inward . i 'd even lost count of the number of breaths . what i first noticed , was how weak jason 's heartbeat was and then , despite our closenessour touch , he was so far away , so cold . the voice was soft , gentle , familiar . `` izzy , can you hear me ? '' it was a struggle to open my eyes and even more difficult to lift my head . you 've done splendidly , young jason is still among the living . you 've almost completed your part , then , it will be time to let us do ours . '' `` i wo n't let you change him . '' i muttered through a raspy voice . we do n't intend to . '' benjamin withdrew a small , ornate , glass vial of golden fluid from his pocket and gently set it on the backboard next to me . when i looked down , i realized jason 's mom was n't in her chair . i looked toward the glass wall . she was talking with elizabeth in the hallway . i turned my attention back to dad . benjamin leaned closer and spoke softly . `` do you remember the laboratory jason discovered during your abduction ? '' `` yes , you destroyed it . '' `` that we did , but not before removing a few items . '' `` can i assume that that bottle is one of them ? '' `` changing jason into some other kind of monster is no better . '' he withdrew a leather piece of material about the size of a tissue , but thicker . he folded it once , and then rolled it into a cylinder and held it up to my face . `` we need to extract some of your venom . '' i 've never '' `` your venom , mixed with the contents of this vile , i believe is the key to saving jason 's life . your venom will heal his injuries and the liquid from the laboratory will prevent his change . '' i could sense the doubt in his voice . `` this is n't a trickno , i know you would n't do that . `` bite the leather and expel your venom . '' `` i 've never '' `` i realize that , but you must try . the potion wo n't work without it . '' i opened my mouth and benjamin pressed the leather cylinder between my teeth . i bit down , easily tearing into the leather . `` think of jason . how much he means to you . how painful his death will be . concentrate , feel the angerthe thirst . '' benjamin urged . i bit harder , shaking my headjason 's heart skipped a beat and then there was a sweet taste in my mouth . he withdrew the shredded leather and wrung it tightly over the bottle . i breathed another breath into jason 's lungs . when i looked up , three drops of venom dripped into the bottle . he stuffed the piece of leather in his pocket and then lifted the vile , swirling it to mix the two liquids . when he was satisfied with the solution , he set the bottle back on the backboard . it was shimmering , almost glowing . `` elizabeth will come in to administer the medication to you . '' `` she will explain everything . this is your choice , izzy . i can offer no guarantees . he may change , it might kill him in his fragile condition , but it is the best i can do . 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these days most of avery 's relationships start out that way , so i would n't worry too much over it , nate said . you about ready , my little butterfly ? if you want to get back to new york so you can get ready for the wedding tomorrow , we really do need to get this interrogation over . i took the last bite of my chicken and took another biscuit , devouring almost instantly . after i put my plate in the sink . i said , let 's go and see if miss thing has anything to say for herself . ive always wanted to watch an interrogation . who plays the good cop and bad cop in your duo ? rian asked . im always the bad cop , i said , leaving the room . if he wanted to watch the masters at work , he was more than welcome . chapter 23 i wish we could get a model prisoner our property in chicago was n't that big , so we had the holding facility down a few blocks . we converted an unused storefront to meet our needs , because keeping warlocks in a place we could call home was a rather stupid idea . malphas was sure to know where we were , but keeping his minions that close was a recipe for disaster . you guys up for hoofing it ? i asked , facing my growing entourage . nate and rian had been joined by rick , elan , kyle , liam and joseph . do we really need this many people for a trip down the street ? everyone answered except rian . he was smiling , trying not to laugh . fine , but im walking , so you either follow or find alternate transportation , i turned around and started heading down the street . before too long , mere seconds , i was surrounded on all sides by guys . the berserkers took the lead , while nate and rian stayed at my sides . i glanced over my shoulder , and sure enough rick , elan and joseph were behind me , scanning the area . if vinnie puts his final touches on his new magic detecting device , will i be able to travel with less fanfare in the future ? i understood their reasoning , but i didnt agree it was necessary . judging by what ive seen recently , even though im not a main part of your posse , i believe the answer is no . i do n't think any president or other royalty gets as much protection as you do . i mean , you have three kings walking around with you trying to protect you , when in reality you could probably beat the crap out of all of us , rian said . admitting that made me like him just a little bit . it usually took guys weeks to figure out that fact . rian hadnt even seen me in training . that ai n't no joke , rick said . we used to kid about me letting her win , but these days , well at least up until two months ago , she trained like nobody 's business and now its rare that she lets me win . im supposed to be her dang protector and she does n't let me do any protecting . if you want to be a bodyguard , you could always carry my purse around . frannie liked to make hers do that the few times they showed up to escort her around . i could pretend to like shopping for a day and we can hit fifth avenue . you are a very cruel woman , avery clavens , he replied . i could tell he was pouting just a little , but he knew the possibilities of me going shopping were below zero . hey , liam , how and where has you girlfriend been ? i expected her to be around since hers was the last voice i heard before blacking out . is she waiting to make a grand entrance at some point ? my fianc , has been fine . her sisters called her away last week and she has n't been on a plane where we can communicate , but you know how she is , he answered . my jaw slacked a little , but after seeing eva pregnant with their second child in my dream , i didnt doubt the two of them would move quickly . it was a testament to how much could happen in two months . it seems once the marriage bug hits , it bites hard . what about you , kyle , you find a lucky lady yet ? if one brother was moving forward in married life , i expected the second to follow . i mean theres this girl ive been hanging out with a lot while i waited for you to wake up , but we do n't have any labels on the relationship , he replied . her name does n't happen to be rachel , does it ? it was time to put the future to the test . she was n't even on our radar until after you went into sleepy land . for some reason kyle and rachel sounds really good together . i bet shes shy and thats why you have n't been able to tie her down yet . give it a little time and im sure youll be walking down the aisle too . he stopped in his step and turned . i guess only nate heard this story .	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`` come on , '' he said , and started along the perimeter of the wall toward our destination . a few minutes later we were all flashing our lights into a hole . `` we 've just broken curfew and risked being accidentally shot by the night guard for this . a hole in the ground . i 'm picking our next field trip , magdy . '' magdy snorted and knelt down into the hole . `` if you actually paid attention to anything , you 'd know that this hole has the council in a panic , '' magdy said . `` something dug this out the other night while the patrol was n't watching . something was trying to get in to the colony from out here . '' he took his light and moved it up the nearest container until he spotted something . there are scratches on the container . something tried to go over the top , and then when it could n't it tried to go under . '' `` so what you 're saying is that we 're out here now with a bunch of predators , '' i said . `` it does n't have to be a predator , '' magdy said . `` maybe it 's just something that likes to dig . '' i flicked my light back up to the claw marks . `` yeah , that 's a reasonable theory . '' `` we could n't have seen this during the day ? '' `` when we could see the things that can leap out and eat us ? '' magdy motioned his light over to me . `` her mom had her security people around it all day long . they were n't letting anybody else near it . besides , whatever made this hole is long gone now . '' `` i 'll remind you that you said that when something tears out your throat , '' gretchen said . `` relax , '' magdy said . `` i 'm prepared . and anyway , this hole is just the opening act . my dad is friends with some of the security folks . one of them told him that just before they closed everything up for the night , they saw a herd of those fanties over in the woods . i say we go look . '' `` we should get back , '' enzo said . `` we should n't even be out here , magdy . if they find us out there , we 're all going to catch hell . we can see the fanties tomorrow . when the sun is up , and we can actually see them . '' `` tomorrow they 'll be awake and foraging , '' magdy said . `` and there 's no way we 're going to be able to do anything other than look at them through binoculars . '' magdy pointed at me again . `` let me remind you that her parents have kept us cooped up for two weeks now , waiting to find out if anything might bruise us on this planet . '' `` or kill us , '' i said . `` which would be a problem . '' magdy waved this away . `` my point is that if we actually want to see these things - actually get close enough to them that we can get a good look at them - we have to do it now . they 're asleep , no one knows we 're gone , and we 'll be back before anyone misses us . '' `` i still think we should go back , '' enzo said . `` enzo , i know this is taking away from valuable make-out time with your girlfriend , '' magdy said , `` but i thought you might want to explore something other than zoe 's tonsils for once . '' magdy was very lucky he was n't in arm 's reach when he made that comment . either my arm or enzo 's . `` you 're being an ass again , magdy , '' gretchen said . `` fine , '' magdy said . `` you guys go back . i 'm going to see me some fanties . '' he started toward the woods , waving his pocket light in the grass ( or grasslike ground cover ) as he walked . i shined my light over to gretchen . she rolled her eyes in exasperation and started walking after magdy . after a minute enzo and i followed . take an elephant . make it just a little smaller . lose the ears . make its trunk shorter and tentaclly at the end . stretch out its legs until it almost but not quite seems impossible that they could support the weight . give it four eyes . and then do other assorted weird things to its body until it 's not that it looks like an elephant , it 's just that it looks more like an elephant than it looks like anything else you can think of . that 's a fantie . in the two weeks we 'd been trapped in the colony village , waiting for the `` all clear '' to actually begin colonization , the fanties had been spotted several times , either in the woods near the village or just barely in the clearing between the village and the woods .	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the cook asked her . her shoulders seemed to sag a bit as she tried to figure out how to answer that question . do n't worry , bubba , he 's not trying to hurt me , '' she assured the cook . she had no clue she 'd just given the cook permission to let ryan cart her out of the restaurant , or she would 've never said that . bubba smiled at ryan and gave him the thumbs up . `` right then , let 's go , '' he told nicole once again . `` ryan , i already told you i 'm not going anywhere with you . i do n't get off until eight in the morning , '' she almost yelled at him . she then looked over at her boss , who was glaring at her . she had to get him out of the restaurant . `` if you really want to talk to me , i 'll come to your offices in the morning , '' she finished and smiled at him , in what she hoped was a reassuring smile . ryan did n't feel the need to talk anymore . he grabbed her things up , then grabbed her around the waist and tossed her over his shoulder and started walking toward the front door . nicole was in so much shock from his caveman display she said nothing until they were almost to the door . `` ryan , i demand you put me down right this instant , '' she finally found her voice . `` nicole , if you walk out that door now , you can kiss your job goodbye , '' her boss said to her . she looked at him from her upside down position with incredulity . she was n't walking anywhere . was no one going to stop this man from openly kidnapping her ? the few customers in the restaurant heard ryan talking with bubba so no one was stepping up to stop him . nicole shuddered in disbelief as he carried her out the door and approached his car . the last thing she heard before the door of the restaurant closed was her boss yelling at her she was fired . she started pounding on ryan 's back in anger as they stepped up to his car . his driver opened the backdoor like there was nothing wrong with him carrying a girl over his shoulder . hell , for all she knew , he did it on a regular basis . he tossed her down on the back seat and quickly climbed in beside her , before she had the chance to get her breath back again . chapter two ryan said something to the driver and the car started to move through the nearly deserted streets . nicole was in shock from his behavior . she could n't believe she 'd been openly kidnapped in the middle of a diner and no one had done a thing to stop it . she demanded of him , once she got her wind back . `` you wanted to talk and then walked out . you 're lucky i 'm giving you a second chance , '' he stated in an arrogant tone of voice . he thought he was doing her a favor by dragging her out of the diner , costing her a valuable job and most likely her last paycheck as well . do you know how difficult it is to find work ? '' `` that was a crap job and you know it . i did you a favor , '' he said . his tone of voice said he really did think he 'd done her a favor . she rolled her eyes at him and sat back in the car , crossing her arms across her chest and glared out the window . she had no idea where he was taking her , or even what to say to him . ryan watched her , as she did her best to pretend like he was n't even there . he was irritated by her , acting as if he 'd committed some crime , when what he 'd done , was help her out . she was much better off without an unsafe job and she 'd soon be thanking him . he grinned , as he thought about how she could thank him properly . he was irritated by how much he desired her . he 'd wanted her more than life itself when they 'd been teenagers but they 'd both been far too young and had never cemented their relationship . they 'd certainly done some heavy petting but he 'd never taken her and made her his . he was ready to rectify that . the car pulled up to his gate and slipped inside for the long ride up his private driveway . nicole seemed to tense more , as she realized they were n't on the main road anymore . `` where are you taking me , ryan ? '' `` to my house , so we can finish our chat privately , '' he simply replied . nicole looked at him nervously . she 'd been in no way prepared to step into his house . it was truly his domain and she did n't want to leave the vehicle . the driver pulled up to the massive home and opened the back door . she stubbornly sat there , refusing to exit the vehicle . `` you can get out and walk in , or i can carry you , '' ryan said to her .	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my voice is ragged and slurry , almost unintelligible . `` you never wanted to discuss it . '' `` i trusted you to make the decision . '' i can remember the moment when i finally made up my mind . it was early evening , a few days after the meetings at howie 's office . howie had called an hour earlier , asking if i had any questions or wanted him to follow up with anyone in particular . after i hung up , and with the help of my walker , i made my way to the back porch . there were two rocking chairs flanking a small table , dusty from disuse . when we were younger , ruth and i used to sit out here and talk , watching the stars emerge from hiding in the slowly darkening sky . later , when we were older , these evenings on the back porch became less frequent , because both of us had grown more sensitive to the temperature . the cold of winter and the heat of summer rendered the porch unusable for more than half the year ; it was only during the spring and fall that ruth and i continued to venture out . but on that night , despite the heat and the thick layer of dust on the chairs , i sat just as we used to . i pondered the meeting and everything that had been said . and it became clear that ruth had been right : no one really understood . for a while , i toyed with the idea of bequeathing the entire collection to andrea lockerby , if only because she , too , had loved daniel . but i did n't really know her , nor had ruth . besides , i could n't help feeling disappointed that despite the obvious influence that ruth had had on daniel 's life , he had never once tried to contact her . this i just could not understand , or entirely forgive , because i knew ruth 's heart had been irreparably broken . there was no easy answer , because for us , the art had never been about the money . like the reporter , these curators and collectors , these experts and salespeople , did n't understand . with the echo of ruth 's words in my head , i finally felt the answer begin to take shape . an hour later , i called howie at his home . i told him that my intention was to auction the entire collection , and like a good soldier , he did not debate my decision . nor did he question me when i explained that i wanted the auction held in greensboro . however , when i told him how i wanted the auction to be handled , he was stunned into silence to the point where i wondered whether he was still connected . finally , after clearing his throat , he talked with me about the specifics of all that it would entail . i told him that secrecy was the foremost priority . over the next few months , the details were arranged . i went to howie 's office two more times and met with the representatives from sotheby 's . i met again with the executive directors of various jewish charities ; the sums they would receive obviously depended on the auction itself and how much money the collection would fetch . to that end , appraisers spent weeks cataloging and photographing the entire collection , estimating value , and establishing provenance . eventually , a catalog was sent for my approval . the estimated value of the collection was mind-boggling even to me , but again it did not matter . when all the arrangements for the initial and subsequent auctions were completed - it was impossible to sell all the art in a single day - i talked to both howie and the appropriate representative from sotheby 's , outlining their responsibilities , and had them sign numerous legal documents , ensuring there could be no alteration to the plan i envisioned . i wanted to prepare for any contingency , and when everything was finally ready , i signed my will in front of four witnesses . i further specified that my will was final and not to be altered or modified under any circumstances . back at home , in the aftermath , i sat in the living room and gazed at the painting of ruth , tired and satisfied . i missed her , maybe more in that instant than i ever had before , but even so , i smiled and said the words that i knew she would have wanted to hear . `` they will understand , ruth , '' i said . `` they will finally understand . '' it is afternoon now , and i feel myself shrinking , like a sand castle slowly being washed away with every wave . beside me , ruth looks at me with concern . `` you should take a nap again , '' she says , her voice tender . `` i 'm not tired , '' i lie . ruth knows that i am lying , but she pretends to believe me , chattering on with a forced insouciance . `` i do not think i would have been a good wife to someone else . i think i am sometimes too stubborn . '' `` that 's true , '' i concede with a smile . `` you 're lucky i put up with you . '' `` i am trying to be serious , ira . 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even if you 're positive it 's just usual pregnancy discomfort , tell me . i was worried now , but no sense in telling her that . we chatted aimlessly the rest of the cab ride to the train station . once we were in our seats , kelly pulled out a paperback and was soon lost to the world . i dug my ipad out of my purse and opened the browser . i typed `` preeclampsia '' into the google search bar and brought up the first hit , a .org website dedicated solely to preeclampsia . the more i read , the more frightened i became . by the time i 'd read everything on the website , i was in full-blown panic attack mode . i closed the cover to my ipad and met kelly 's eyes over the top of her book , a bodice-ripper , by the looks of it . `` you think i have preeclampsia ? '' kelly sighed and set the book face down on her thigh . her kind brown eyes , so much like chase 's , searched mine and were soft with worry . `` you googled it , did n't you ? '' `` jamie , it 's going to be okay . i do n't know that you do . i just do n't want to ignore the possibility . '' `` but i 'm experiencing everything listed on the website . and it said there 's no cure but to induce labor or to abort . i 'm not-i can't-i mean- '' kelly leaned forward and took my hands in hers . `` you 're freaking yourself out needlessly . we 'll go see dr. rayburn first thing , i promise . '' i took several deep breaths and tried to push away my panic , my tears , my sense of impending doom-which , by the way , was also one of the possible symptoms . for something which had no cure except to have the baby , and i was n't even close to full-term yet . i managed to calm myself down enough that i did n't hyperventilate , but it was close . i marinated in my own worry for most of the excruciatingly long train ride from new york to detroit . when chase called , he picked up on my worry within minutes , but i was n't ready to saddle him with the possibilities yet , especially since , as kelly said , i was n't even sure i had preeclampsia . it was hard not to tell chase , though . he was , beneath everything else , my best friend . so to keep this from him , even if it was just a worry at that point , was painful . i wanted him to comfort me , to tell me it was fine , that i was just being silly . but if i told him , he 'd worry . and when he worried , he would be off his game , and this tour had to go well . by the time we pulled into detroit some fifteen hours later , i was delirious from exhaustion . i 'd run through every possibility in my head a dozen times , from an emergency c-section as soon as i saw the doctor to being hospitalized for the next twelve weeks to being told i was an idiot for worrying so much over nothing . kelly had slept most of the way , and i 'd read the book she 'd brought , as well as another one i had on my ipad . i 'd watched half of the first season of downton abbey . i was bored , scared , tired , cramped , worried , and panicked . how could i be horny at a time like this ? i had no answer for myself , and no relief in sight until i saw chase again in a couple weeks . kelly woke up as we pulled into the station , took one look at me , and groaned . `` you 've been working yourself into a fit the entire time , have n't you ? '' i just shrugged and tugged my sweater higher up my shoulders . i knew if i answered her out loud , i 'd snap , and she did n't deserve that . we made our way to kelly 's car in the long-term parking lot and shoved my suitcase in the backseat of her lincoln mkz . chase had wanted to buy her something fancier , but she 'd refused to let him , he claimed . so he 'd gotten her the lincoln and had it stuffed with every available option . he 'd laughed when he related how she 'd chewed his ear off after the car was delivered . i do n't know what she was complaining about ; it was a nice car that i would n't mind driving , if it had been practical to even own a car in new york city . i fell asleep in the car and did n't wake up until kelly gently shook my shoulder an hour later , sitting in her driveway . it was past two in the morning , and i followed kelly sleepily as she unlocked her front door and showed my my room .	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`` m 'm not afraid . '' afraid to trust . afraid to love . '' `` hugh- '' `` have i disappointed you , charlotte ? have i promised you something and then not delivered ? '' `` not yet , but- '' `` not ever . you either trust me to support you , trust me to be a good husband , to love you and care for you ... you either trust me , or you do n't . '' she melted against him , her slight weight necessary and welcome . he hugged her close , squeezing her , until there was no space between them . `` please understand , '' she begged . `` i am responsible for the care of gwen and the others . my decisions must be made with my head , not my heart . '' he recoiled as the import of her words struck home . `` you refuse me . '' his voice was a pained whisper , his heart aching as he stepped away . her touch , which he had been longing for , was suddenly painful . hugh struggled to control his breathing , unsure of what he could do or say to erase the tormented look he saw in charlotte 's eyes . there was sadness there , a deep well of it . her gaze said good-bye as surely as her kiss had . it was then he realized there was nothing he could say . her fear was too powerful . even with an offer of marriage , she still could n't trust him . shaking his head , he turned away , his throat clenched tight . he strode down the hall , suddenly anxious to be away from her and the cloying agony that twisted inside him . he knew she would chase him down as she had before , so he lengthened his stride . hugh left her and the wondrous dream of happiness far behind him . he loved her too much.chapter nine '' i miss lord montrose . '' gwen dropped her cards on the table . `` pick those up , '' charlotte scolded . `` i can see your hand . '' `` i 'm no longer in the mood to play . i have n't seen him in two days . i inquired after him with lady julienne , and she said only that he was 'about . ' releasing a deep sigh , charlotte set down her cards and leaned back in her chair . tired and abjectly miserable , she had n't been interested in playing anyway . she 'd suggested the game in an attempt to cheer gwen , who was taking hugh 's absence almost as hard as she was . `` it means he does n't wish to be found , gwen . '' `` what did you do , charlotte ? '' why is his behavior my fault ? '' `` i may be young and naive , but i 'm not stupid . the duke is strolling about , puffed up like a rooster , and you glance away whenever lord montrose is mentioned . '' part of her hoped every moment that hugh would walk into the room just so she could see him with her own eyes and assure herself that he was well . the other part of her dreaded such an event , knowing how badly she had wounded him . her heart ached every moment . glancing up , charlotte 's eyes widened at the sight of lord merrick . tall and radiating savagery barely restrained , he was intimidating , with his long , black hair and intense blue gaze . standing in the parlor full of women , his presence was overwhelming . `` lord merrick . '' her heart leapt into a faster rhythm , knowing the only reason the earl would seek her out would be related to hugh . gesturing to one of the two empty chairs , he asked , `` may i ? i wo n't take up too much of your time . '' he settled his powerful frame into the seat and clasped his hands in his lap . `` lord montrose has shared your map and other items with me , mrs . charlotte 's hand went to her throat . lady merrick and i travel to the west indies at the end of every season to visit with her father . lord montrose has asked that i take you with us on the journey next year , and he has provided enough funds to retain a large expedition for the search . he 's also spoken with lord glenmoore and made arrangements for you to continue to have use of the residence here in derbyshire . '' swallowing hard , she glanced at gwen , whose pursed lips and narrowed eyes condemned her . she was condemning herself , knowing how difficult it must have been for hugh to speak with jared and reveal her negative reply to his proposal . lord merrick cleared his throat , and she returned her gaze to his . his handsome face was impassive , betraying none of his thoughts . `` i will relate to you what i told montrose . a great many adventurers have searched for that treasure over the years , mrs. riddleton .	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i grabbed a handful of mane and swung up and onto princesss back with ease . your stock just went way up , honey . but actually i was pretty pleased with myself . my sister sarah and i had spent hours as kids trying to perfect this way of mounting a horse . i still had it ! when we were kids though , we rode bareback because we always playacted we were indians . we wore moccasins , carried beef jerky with us , and spent days out in the pastures playing out different scenarios of indians on the warpath . we even braided our horses manes with feathers and beads to make them look like indian ponies . dave grabbed jacks reins and was nodding and grinning at me as he put them around the horses neck and swung up onto his back in similar fashion . okay , lets go hotshot , he said , reaching to open the gate . he moved jack around the swinging arm . torie , you are just amazing me more and more by the minute , baby . i had no idea you knew so much about horses . well , i didnt even know you had horses until you told me last night or we could have had something else in common to talk about . i think we are going to enjoy getting to know each other . i cant wait to find out what else you havent been telling me , he said . i immediately thought of roses house as he said that , and i hoped that he wouldnt be finding out about that anytime soon . *** the pastureland stretched out for nearly ten acres and was sandwiched between corn and soybean fields . a cool breeze came up as we rode along a trail that edged the pasture at the fence line . we stayed to the trees , which ran along the fence and added shade to our trek . it was about seventy-five degrees and perfect riding weather . as we rode side by side , we talked about my childhood growing up with horses . it eclipsed his experience by far . we talked about sarahs rescue in colorado and he told me he had never been to colorado or any place out west except for arizona , when he had helped to get his parents settled there . as we approached the back of the pastureland , i saw there was a huge pond that covered probably two acres . in the center of the pond was a deck and small building . a long dock led out to the structure at the center of the pond . we spent a lot of time out here as kids , dave explained as we approached . camp outs , fishing , and duck hunting . the shack is pretty much a complete cabin , with everything you might need . although it hasnt been used for anything like that in years . we dismounted and ground tied our horses , while dave removed the saddle bags . want to go out on the deck ? its pretty nice out there . the pond is natural and stream fed , not stagnant or buggie . sure , i agreed , letting him take my hand . we walked side by side out over the water . as we did , i could see the pond was well stocked with fish . they were everywhere and followed us as we walked along the wooden walkway . we arrived at the cabin and the position of the sun was casting a pretty nice shadow over the deck that was east of the structure . dave put the saddlebags down and opened the cabin door , stepping inside . he emerged a minute later with a couple of folding chairs . my lady , he said gallantly , placing a chair out for me . he went back inside and brought out a small table and placed it between us . he took his seat , rummaging in the saddlebags and set out our meal . he pulled out plastic silverware , napkins , plates , and a small container of fruit , two bottles of water , two sandwiches and chips . the bags seemed to hold more than was possible . as we filled our plates i noticed we had lots of company . the trout were all along the edge , surfacing to watch us . i would hate to fall in . i think you could get eaten alive , i laughed . they do well out here . it actually is fed by a creek that empties south of here and goes on downstream . i went fishing one time when i was about five years old with my dad . the entire day i worried about injuring the fish , hurting the worms . we released the fish at the end of the day but it was just a stress filled experience , i admitted . note to self , no fishing , dave said with a chuckle . actually , i dont fish either . tell me about your writing , torie . was that always your plan ? i minored in creative writing but got a degree in finance . i planned to be a business tycoon . i actually ended up in the insurance industry until my first novel got picked up . was your plan always renovation ? yep , as far back as i can remember i was interested in building . i love history and the original way things used to be done and understanding how it all worked .	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she yanked her right arm . `` handcuff me to the bed , or something . `` take a look at the bed . there 's nothing to handcuff you to , no posts , no handy little iron rings . the only other option is if i toss you overboard . '' jenner plowed on , ignoring what he said because she wanted to finish before she lost her nerve . `` and what 's more , i talk to syd every day or i do n't cooperate with you at all . he hoisted himself to a sitting position and switched on the lamp . she blinked and instinctively shielded her face with her left hand until she became more accustomed to the light , which seemed unreasonably bright for such a small lamp . then , because she did n't like it that he was sitting up and she was n't , she struggled to an upright position herself . too late , she remembered that she was n't wearing a bra ; when she 'd changed into her pajamas she 'd been too tired to think of keeping her bra on underneath the tank top . the ribbed knit was thin ; she was so cold her nipples had to be almost poking through the material . she 'd be damned if she 'd squeal and jerk the covers up like some scared little girl . he scrubbed his hand over his face , his beard scraping against his palm with a sandpaper sound . he looked tired , his eyes a little puffy from sleep , his dark hair mussed , but his voice was cold and flat . `` you are n't in a position to give any ultimatums . '' `` i have n't been able to sleep , so i 've been thinking instead , '' she replied just as flatly . `` i 've decided i 'm in exactly that position . you need me to give you cover for being here , in this suite . i do n't know why , i do n't need to know why , i just know that you do . my cooperation depends on whether or not i talk to syd every day , and what she tells me . if she 's okay , i 'll play along to the best of my ability . if she 's hurt in any way , the deal 's off . `` as long as i hold her , you 'll play along , regardless . '' that threat will work only as long as i trust you not to hurt her , and i have to tell you , there 's no trust on the table . the only way i 'll know for sure she 's still alive and unhurt is if i talk to her myself - every day . '' the risk she was taking was so huge she felt nauseated , but at the same time she knew she could n't back down . this was the only way she could keep sydney safe , the only weapon she had , so she 'd be stupid not to use it . he watched her , his eyes hooded . at least he was thinking about it , considering all the angles . he had nothing to lose - unless syd was already dead . oh , god , if he refused , what would that mean ? that they 'd killed syd immediately after the initial phone call ? the thought was like a knife in her chest . what would she do without syd ? there was n't a sweeter , nicer person in the world ; she did n't deserve any of this happening to her , but to think that she might have been murdered - no ! jenner surged to her knees , her lips trembling and tears stinging her eyes . `` you bastard , '' she said raggedly , barely able to breathe . `` if you 've hurt her - `` with a lightning quick move he caught her left arm before she could even think of swinging it . `` settle down , '' he said sharply , and to make sure she did , he exerted enough twisting pressure on her arm that she cried out and clumsily half-fell , half-sat on the mattress . the pressure immediately eased , but he retained his grip . `` do not , by god , bite me again , because you wo n't get away with it a second time . `` then let me talk to her , '' jenner insisted , those damn tears overflowing her eyes and dripping down her cheeks . let me talk to her now . she did n't care that she was begging . she would n't beg for herself , but she 'd beg for syd . because he was still holding her left arm she lifted her right hand to swipe at the tears , only his hand came with it , and swatted her on the forehead . startled , she jerked back and glared at him through her tears . slowly , not taking his eyes off her , he shook his head in disbelief . `` if i were catholic , i 'd be calling in an exorcist , '' he muttered . `` we 're handcuffed together ! what the hell did you think would happen ? 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i smelled leaves , evergreens . my belly growled , or maybe the sound came from my mouth . i had to eat or the hunger would consume me . the madness flickered at the edge of my brain . dimly i felt myself slide from the couch to the floor . damien was there , lifting me , carrying me to the bed . i turned my mouth toward his neck , but he smelled like wolf , not man . i scented fresh meat nearby . my gaze went to jessie . the hunger was a living , breathing , aching thing in my stomach . i half-expected it to burst out and devour everyone near me . i placed my hands over my middle and moaned . but the sound that came out of my mouth was something else entirely . i understood how the hunger caused sane men to go mad . i was a little crazed myself . then the fever ripped through my body ; like a fire it blazed . my skin burned , my scalp tingled , and darkness cloaked my mind . i awoke in the woods - naked , alone , covered in blood . my hunger was gone , my belly distended . the sun was rising in the east . i remembered nothing of what i had done . that was the strange part . i 'd in all likelihood killed , then eaten , my friends , maybe even my lover - though i doubted damien would have stood still and let me devour him . literally , anyway . but now that the hunger was appeased , all i cared about was making sure that the next time it came i had plenty of people to hunt . i ran through the forest , felt the breeze on my skin , through my hair . i reveled in the dirt beneath my feet . i jumped into a river and washed the blood away , then lay in the sun and let the water drip from my body into the earth . the remnants dried in the heat , and i drifted to sleep . when i awoke again , someone was pressed spoonlike against my back . i turned and found hector , naked like me and aroused . he kissed me and as he did , we both changed . i sat bolt upright in bed . someone had tied me down . i was sweating , shaking , crying , but i was n't in the woods . obviously i never had been . i fell back on the pillow , turned my head . jessie sat in a chair . `` kill me , '' i rasped . `` it 's awful , jessie . we sat together , silent . i kept my eyes closed until i stopped seeing myself in the woods , with hector , stopped tasting ... horrible things , stopped hearing screams that had never truly happened . i tried to sit up again . the bonds scraped along my already-raw wrists and ankles . `` you did n't let them go after hector . he 'll eat - `` i stopped . `` eat them alive '' had once been an expression ; now it was reality . `` they are n't hunting . they went to pick up elise and mandenauer . '' `` but they should n't be alone . '' `` someone had to go , and i thought it was best if i stay . '' she left unspoken the reason why . damien would n't kill me . will probably could n't . i wanted to stay awake , but the virus made me weak . the fever made me toss and turn . the changes made me ache . my back burned , which was n't new . however , my bones were doing something weird . snapping , popping , shifting . my teeth seemed too big for my mouth . i fell back into the void where hector waited . my dreams , fantasies , or whatever the hell they were remained pretty much the same . blood , death . a little bit of doggie-style sex . i awoke to a silver sheen drifting through the windows and across my bed . the moon was cool . it soothed the fever , calmed my racing heart , called me to come and dance in its light , naked and alive . murmurs on the porch . my ears tuned in . i could hear everything they said . `` this could kill her . '' i recognized the voice of dr. elise hanover . `` we have n't tested the serum yet . '' i 'd never seen the woman , only spoken to her on the phone . i could n't see her now , except for a slim shadow among all the other shadows clumping together on the porch . `` we will test it now . '' that was edward , always calm , in control , regardless of the situation . `` i wo n't let you kill her on the off chance you might save her , '' damien insisted . the group went silent and still , then filed into the room . `` the gang 's all here , '' i murmured . jessie , will , edward , elise , and damien hovered near the door , as if afraid to come near me . elise was the first to move .	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["gaze", 408], ["gazes", 408], ["go", 413], ["goest", 413], ["went", 413], ["jessie", 423], ["breathe", 461], ["breathes", 461], ["ache", 470], ["ached", 470], ["aching", 470], ["thing", 476], ["stomach", 490], ["stomachs", 490], ["stomaching", 490], ["half", 499], ["expect", 508], ["expected", 508], ["burst", 520], ["bursted", 520], ["devour", 535], ["devours", 535], ["everyone", 544], ["near", 549], ["place", 563], ["placed", 563], ["hand", 572], ["hands", 572], ["middle", 587], ["middles", 587], ["middling", 587], ["else", 659], ["entirely", 668], ["understand", 683], ["understanded", 683], ["understood", 683], ["cause", 705], ["caused", 705], ["sane", 710], ["man", 714], ["mans", 714], ["manned", 714], ["men", 714], ["go", 720], ["goest", 720], ["mad", 724], ["mads", 724], ["little", 741], ["craze", 748], ["crazes", 748], ["crazed", 748], ["fever", 772], ["rip", 779], ["ripped", 779], ["body", 795], ["bodied", 795], ["fire", 809], ["blaze", 819], ["blazed", 819], ["skin", 829], ["burn", 836], ["burns", 836], ["burned", 836], ["scalp", 847], ["scalps", 847], ["tingle", 855], ["tingles", 855], ["darkness", 870], ["cloak", 878], ["cloaks", 878], ["cloaked", 878], ["mind", 886], ["minding", 886], ["awoke", 896], ["awake", 896], ["wood", 909], ["woods", 909], ["naked", 917], ["alone", 925], ["cover", 935], ["covered", 935], ["blood", 944], ["bloods", 944], ["blooded", 944], ["go", 965], ["goest", 965], ["gone", 965], ["distend", 986], ["distended", 986], ["sun", 996], ["suns", 996], ["sunned", 996], ["rise", 1007], ["risen", 1007], ["rising", 1007], ["east", 1019], ["remember", 1034], ["rememberest", 1034], ["remembered", 1034], ["nothing", 1042], ["strange", 1084], ["part", 1089], ["parting", 1089], ["likelihood", 1114], ["kill", 1121], ["killed", 1121], ["eat", 1134], ["eaten", 1134], ["friend", 1147], ["friends", 1147], ["even", 1160], ["evens", 1160], ["lover", 1169], ["though", 1178], ["doubt", 1188], ["doubted", 1188], ["stood", 1212], ["stand", 1212], ["standest", 1212], ["still", 1218], ["let", 1226], ["lets", 1226], ["literally", 1252], ["anyway", 1261], ["appease", 1300], ["appeased", 1300], ["care", 1314], ["cared", 1314], ["sure", 1336], ["next", 1350], ["time", 1355], ["plenty", 1376], ["people", 1386], ["hunt", 1394], ["hunting", 1394], ["huntest", 1394], ["run", 1402], ["ran", 1402], ["forest", 1421], ["breeze", 1439], ["breezing", 1439], ["hair", 1468], ["revel", 1480], ["reveling", 1480], ["revelling", 1480], ["dirt", 1492], ["beneath", 1500], ["foot", 1508], ["feet", 1508], ["jump", 1519], ["jumps", 1519], ["jumped", 1519], ["river", 1532], ["wash", 1543], ["washed", 1543], ["away", 1558], ["lay", 1569], ["lie", 1569], ["lain", 1569], ["water", 1598], ["drip", 1603], ["earth", 1631], ["earths", 1631], ["earthest", 1631], ["remnant", 1646], ["remnants", 1646], ["dry", 1652], ["drier", 1652], ["drying", 1652], ["dried", 1652], ["heat", 1664], ["heats", 1664], ["heated", 1664], ["drift", 1680], ["drifting", 1680], ["drifted", 1680], ["slept", 1689], ["sleep", 1689], ["sleeps", 1689], ["sleepest", 1689], ["press", 1732], ["pressed", 1732], ["spoonlike", 1742], ["back", 1758], ["find", 1779], ["found", 1779], ["hector", 1786], ["arouse", 1814], ["aroused", 1814], ["kiss", 1826], ["kisses", 1826], ["kissest", 1826], ["kissed", 1826], ["change", 1861], ["changed", 1861], ["sat", 1869], ["sit", 1869], ["bolt", 1874], ["bolts", 1874], ["bolted", 1874], ["upright", 1882], ["tie", 1908], ["tying", 1908], ["tieing", 1908], ["tied", 1908], ["sweat", 1933], ["sweating", 1933], ["shake", 1943], ["shaking", 1943], ["obviously", 1993], ["never", 2001], ["fall", 2019], ["falls", 2019], ["fell", 2019], ["pillow", 2038], ["head", 2055], ["chair", 2079], ["chairing", 2079], ["kill", 2089], ["rasp", 2106], ["rasped", 2106], ["rasping", 2106], ["awful", 2123], ["together", 2150], ["silent", 2159], ["keep", 2168], ["keepest", 2168], ["kept", 2168], ["eye", 2176], ["eyed", 2176], ["eyes", 2176], ["close", 2183], ["closed", 2183], ["stop", 2199], ["stopped", 2199], ["see", 2206], ["seeing", 2206], ["taste", 2258], ["horrible", 2271], ["thing", 2278], ["things", 2278], ["hear", 2296], ["hears", 2296], ["hearing", 2296], ["scream", 2304], ["screams", 2304], ["truly", 2325], ["happen", 2334], ["happened", 2334], ["try", 2344], ["tryed", 2344], ["tried", 2344], ["sat", 2351], ["sit", 2351], ["bond", 2372], ["bonds", 2372], ["scrape", 2380], ["scraped", 2380], ["along", 2386], ["already", 2397], ["raw", 2401], ["wrist", 2408], ["wrists", 2408], ["ankle", 2419], ["ankles", 2419], ["alive", 2509], ["expression", 2540], ["reality", 2561], ["hunt", 2587], ["hunting", 2587], ["huntest", 2587], ["pick", 2607], ["elise", 2616], ["think", 2710], ["thinkest", 2710], ["thought", 2710], ["good", 2722], ["best", 2722], ["stay", 2732], ["left", 2746], ["leave", 2746], ["unspoken", 2755], ["reason", 2766], ["reasonest", 2766], ["probably", 2813], ["awoke", 2848], ["awake", 2848], ["virus", 2864], ["weak", 2877], 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["calm", 3407], ["calms", 3407], ["calmed", 3407], ["heart", 3423], ["call", 3432], ["called", 3432], ["come", 3443], ["dance", 3453], ["lit", 3466], ["light", 3466], ["murmur", 3494], ["murmurest", 3494], ["murmurs", 3494], ["porch", 3507], ["ear", 3517], ["ears", 3517], ["tune", 3523], ["tuning", 3523], ["tuned", 3523], ["hear", 3541], ["hears", 3541], ["everything", 3552], ["say", 3562], ["sayest", 3562], ["said", 3562], ["recognize", 3605], ["recognized", 3605], ["voice", 3615], ["dr", 3621], ["drs", 3621], ["hanover", 3636], ["test", 3660], ["tested", 3660], ["serum", 3670], ["yet", 3674], ["see", 3695], ["seen", 3695], ["woman", 3705], ["womans", 3705], ["speak", 3719], ["spoken", 3719], ["phone", 3739], ["see", 3757], ["except", 3774], ["slim", 3785], ["shadow", 3792], ["shadowed", 3792], ["among", 3798], ["shadow", 3820], ["shadowed", 3820], ["shadows", 3820], ["clump", 3829], ["clumping", 3829], ["test", 3869], ["edward", 3897], ["edwards", 3897], ["always", 3906], ["calm", 3911], ["calms", 3911], ["control", 3924], ["regardless", 3937], ["situation", 3954], ["wo", 3964], ["chance", 4003], ["chanced", 4003], ["chancing", 4003], ["may", 4013], ["mays", 4013], ["mayest", 4013], ["might", 4013], ["save", 4018], ["insist", 4043], ["insistest", 4043], ["insisted", 4043], ["group", 4055], ["file", 4090], ["filed", 4090], ["room", 4104], ["roomed", 4104], ["gang", 4118], ["murmur", 4146], ["murmurest", 4146], ["murmured", 4146], ["hover", 4200], ["hovered", 4200], ["door", 4214], ["afraid", 4229], ["first", 4267], ["firstest", 4267], ["move", 4275]]
liam went to raine and leaned down to brush his lips over her ear . you 've made your displeasure known . do n't bait the bear anymore . take your punishment , then it will all be over . i know you 're mad at hammer , but try to remember that he 's the man who kept you safe all these years . if you- '' `` this is my punishment of a sub under my protection . back the fk off , '' hammer snarled at him , leaping from his chair and striding across the room . when he reached raine , he gripped her chin , forcing her to look up at him . `` girl , you either accept this punishment without another mocking outburst , or i swear i 'll throw liam out and unleash beck to do whatever he wants on your ass . playtime is over , and i 'm out of patience . her tone was more insolent than obedient . things had gotten out of hand far too quickly . liam could either sit back while beck beat the shit out of her or he could try coming up with a plan b . hammer was n't going to stop this . it did n't take a bloody rocket scientist to see that raine was never going to yield her submission through pain . boundaries would help her feel safe , yes . but she needed affection to blossom . more than anyone , hammer should understand that . if his friend did n't want to hear the truth , then he could go fk himself . reaching hammer was a long shot , but liam had to try again . `` we both know she 'll learn nothing from this punishment except to hate you , '' he whispered in hammer 's ear . `` you 've spent years protecting her , and now you 're going to scare the bloody shit out of her ? surely you can see she needs a different direction . i know you want me to shut up , but the sub 's needs come first . think about hers . '' hammer 's eyes turned molten . `` if you question me again during this punishment , i 'll ban you from the club . '' he gestured to beck . liam swallowed his incredulity as hammer returned to his throne . rage followed . he 'd expected that hammer would n't appreciate his interference , but they were friends . the man who had all but given him the shirt off his back once or twice had threatened to throw him out . liam wondered if he knew the man at all anymore . shoving aside his confusion , he focused on raine . riling up both the executioner and the dungeon master would n't help her . he dragged in a shuddering breath , trying to find some calm . fuck , what a balls up ! seeing raine so apprehensive made his dominant heart growl with the need to protect . he had to start thinking with his head or he 'd leave her vulnerable . the girl clung to her bloody stubborn pride . hammer had n't left her with much else , so she would n't cede it without a battle . earning her trust and teaching her to curb her temper would be a full-time job . and god help beck if he did n't stop behaving like a barmy fuck . the sadist obviously enjoyed the power of toying with everyone . personally , liam did n't know why hammer let the man in the club , much less seemed to like him . whatever the reason , beck bore watching . so did hammer . the man 's famous cool-under-pressure facade seemed to be crumbling under ... what ? probably a potent cocktail of all three-not that hammer would admit it . beck smiled smugly , and liam did his best not to bristle . instead , he focused on the eerie quiet around them . the dungeon lacked the usual sounds of paddles , whips , sighs , and moans . even the music seemed muted . it felt as if time had stopped , and every eye was on them . the crowd held their collective breath with bated anticipation , eyes glued to the drama . crossing his arms over his chest , liam forced himself to stand and watch , determined to see this through for raine , no matter what . from the corner of his eye , he saw beck reach into his toy bag and withdraw something oblong and red that looked like a colorful paddle . liam started forward , but he was n't fast enough . beck crossed his arm over his body , then brought the paddle down with a quick whoosh in a backhanded swat . someone in the crowd gasped . the legs of hammer 's chair scraped the floor as he leapt to his feet and shouted just as beck whacked the back of raine 's thighs . the telltale whiff of rubber assaulted him . then agony erupted across her face , as if beck had split her very flesh open down to the bone . her wee body jolted as she stiffened every muscle and screamed . and screamed some more , even when she 'd run out of air and her mouth hung open in horrific silence . her face looked shocked and wounded , eyes wide with distress .	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1703], ["think", 1711], ["thinkest", 1711], ["eye", 1742], ["eyed", 1742], ["eyes", 1742], ["turn", 1749], ["turned", 1749], ["molten", 1756], ["question", 1777], ["ban", 1821], ["bani", 1821], ["bans", 1821], ["club", 1839], ["clubbed", 1839], ["clubbing", 1839], ["gesture", 1856], ["gestured", 1856], ["swallow", 1881], ["swallows", 1881], ["swallowed", 1881], ["incredulity", 1897], ["return", 1916], ["returnest", 1916], ["returned", 1916], ["throne", 1930], ["rage", 1937], ["follow", 1946], ["followed", 1946], ["expect", 1963], ["expected", 1963], ["appreciate", 1996], ["appreciates", 1996], ["interference", 2013], ["friend", 2037], ["friends", 2037], ["give", 2069], ["given", 2069], ["shirt", 2083], ["twice", 2110], ["threaten", 2125], ["threatened", 2125], ["wonder", 2158], ["wonderest", 2158], ["wondered", 2158], ["know", 2169], ["knowest", 2169], ["knew", 2169], ["shove", 2202], ["shoving", 2202], ["aside", 2208], ["confusion", 2222], ["focus", 2235], ["focused", 2235], ["rile", 2253], ["riling", 2253], ["executioner", 2277], ["dungeon", 2293], ["master", 2300], ["drag", 2332], ["dragged", 2332], ["breath", 2355], ["breathest", 2355], ["try", 2364], ["tryed", 2364], ["trying", 2364], ["find", 2372], ["calm", 2382], ["calms", 2382], ["fuck", 2389], ["ball", 2404], ["balls", 2404], ["see", 2416], ["seeing", 2416], ["apprehensive", 2438], ["dominant", 2456], ["heart", 2462], ["growl", 2468], ["growls", 2468], ["need", 2482], ["needest", 2482], ["protect", 2493], ["protectest", 2493], ["start", 2511], ["think", 2520], ["thinkest", 2520], ["thinking", 2520], ["head", 2534], ["left", 2549], ["leave", 2549], ["vulnerable", 2564], ["clung", 2581], ["stubborn", 2604], ["pride", 2610], ["left", 2632], ["leave", 2632], ["much", 2646], ["else", 2651], ["cede", 2675], ["battle", 2695], ["earn", 2705], ["earning", 2705], ["trust", 2715], ["teach", 2728], ["curb", 2740], ["curbs", 2740], ["curbed", 2740], ["curbest", 2740], ["temper", 2751], ["full", 2767], ["time", 2772], ["job", 2776], ["jobbing", 2776], ["god", 2786], ["behave", 2824], ["behaved", 2824], ["behaving", 2824], ["like", 2829], ["barmy", 2837], ["sadist", 2855], ["obviously", 2865], ["enjoy", 2873], ["enjoyed", 2873], ["power", 2883], ["toy", 2893], ["toyed", 2893], ["toyest", 2893], ["toying", 2893], ["everyone", 2907], ["personally", 2920], ["let", 2955], ["lets", 2955], ["less", 2987], ["seem", 2994], ["seeming", 2994], ["seemed", 2994], ["reason", 3028], ["reasonest", 3028], ["bore", 3040], ["bored", 3040], ["boring", 3040], ["famous", 3085], ["cool", 3090], ["pressure", 3105], ["pressured", 3105], ["facade", 3112], ["crumble", 3135], ["crumbles", 3135], ["crumbling", 3135], ["probably", 3161], ["potent", 3170], ["cocktail", 3179], ["three", 3192], ["admit", 3220], ["smile", 3237], ["smiled", 3237], ["smugly", 3244], ["good", 3268], ["best", 3268], ["bristle", 3283], ["instead", 3293], ["eerie", 3319], ["quiet", 3325], ["around", 3332], ["lack", 3358], ["lacked", 3358], ["usual", 3368], ["sound", 3375], ["sounds", 3375], ["paddle", 3386], ["paddles", 3386], ["whip", 3394], ["whips", 3394], ["sigh", 3402], ["sighest", 3402], ["sighs", 3402], ["moan", 3414], ["moans", 3414], ["moanest", 3414], ["even", 3421], ["evens", 3421], ["music", 3431], ["musics", 3431], ["feel", 3454], ["felt", 3454], ["stop", 3477], ["stopped", 3477], ["every", 3489], ["eye", 3493], ["eyed", 3493], ["crowd", 3517], ["crowdest", 3517], ["crowding", 3517], ["hold", 3522], ["held", 3522], ["collective", 3539], ["anticipation", 3570], ["glue", 3583], ["glued", 3583], ["drama", 3596], ["dramas", 3596], ["cross", 3607], ["crossing", 3607], ["arm", 3616], ["arms", 3616], ["chest", 3631], ["force", 3645], ["forced", 3645], ["stood", 3662], ["stand", 3662], ["standest", 3662], ["watch", 3672], ["matter", 3727], ["mattering", 3727], ["corner", 3750], ["see", 3770], ["saw", 3770], ["reach", 3781], ["toy", 3794], ["toyed", 3794], ["toyest", 3794], ["bag", 3798], ["bagged", 3798], ["bagging", 3798], ["withdraw", 3811], ["oblong", 3828], ["red", 3836], ["look", 3848], ["looked", 3848], ["colorful", 3864], ["paddle", 3871], ["start", 3886], ["started", 3886], ["forward", 3894], ["forwardest", 3894], ["forwarding", 3894], ["fast", 3916], ["enough", 3923], ["cross", 3938], ["crossing", 3938], ["crossed", 3938], ["arm", 3946], ["body", 3960], ["bodied", 3960], ["bring", 3975], ["brought", 3975], ["quick", 4004], ["whoosh", 4011], ["backhand", 4027], ["backhanded", 4027], ["swat", 4032], ["gasp", 4062], ["gasps", 4062], ["gasped", 4062], ["leg", 4073], ["legs", 4073], ["scrape", 4100], ["scraped", 4100], ["floor", 4110], ["leap", 4122], ["leaps", 4122], ["leaping", 4122], ["foot", 4134], ["feet", 4134], ["shout", 4146], ["shouted", 4146], ["whack", 4167], ["whacked", 4167], ["thigh", 4195], ["thighs", 4195], ["telltale", 4210], ["whiff", 4216], ["rubber", 4226], ["assault", 4236], ["assaulted", 4236], ["agony", 4253], ["erupt", 4261], ["eruptest", 4261], ["erupted", 4261], ["face", 4277], ["split", 4300], ["flesh", 4315], ["fleshest", 4315], ["open", 4320], ["bone", 4337], ["bonest", 4337], ["wee", 4347], ["weest", 4347], ["jolt", 4359], ["jolted", 4359], ["stiffen", 4376], ["stiffens", 4376], ["stiffened", 4376], ["muscle", 4389], ["scream", 4402], ["screams", 4402], ["screamed", 4402], ["run", 4450], ["air", 4461], ["airs", 4461], ["airing", 4461], ["mouth", 4475], ["mouthed", 4475], ["hung", 4480], ["hang", 4480], ["hangs", 4480], ["horrific", 4497], ["silence", 4505], ["wind", 4543], ["wound", 4543], ["wounding", 4543], ["wounded", 4543], ["wide", 4555], ["distress", 4569], ["distressed", 4569], ["distressest", 4569]]
i heard she owes the place some money but its chump change . shes an incredible actress . anthony kiedis singer of the band the red hot chili peppers recorded the vocals for his song by the way here . and british singer lilly allen wrote one of the songs for her second album here . but more importantly rockstar blake white has come up with lyrics for some of the songs devon has composed here . rosalies steps became stiff and robotic-like as she approached the entrance to the hotel . rosalie asked , nervously . dont worry , beggar girl . now , to be a part of the world of celebrities the most important thing is : attitude . i want you to enter that hotel like you own the place . keep your back straight and your chin up , now go ! blake motioned dramatically with his hand towards the front door . rosalie nodded and took a deep breath before rolling her luggage behind her and towards the entrance door . a doorman was there to open the door for her and rosalie didnt even make eye contact as she strode confidently inside of the hotel . there was a reception desk but rosalie ignored this as well and headed directly towards the elevator that blake was floating towards . rosalie pressed the elevator summoning button and the elevator arrived in a minute . she stepped inside and wheeled her luggage in after her . she pressed the button for the 7th floor . the elevator doors closed and rosalie let out a breath of relief . she turned to give blake a grateful look . blake was nodding to himself . you did good , beggar girl . just keep up with that snooty attitude here and youll be fine . the door opened upon the seventh floor and rosalie stepped out and chewed on her lower lip , unsure of where to go next . dont worry , beggar girl , my penthouse is the first door on your right . room 701 . most of the other rooms use keys but i had a digital door lock put in . the pass code is : o708 . blake informed her and crossed his fingers behind his back . if someone else was renting the penthouse suite then the pass code would be different . rosalie walked towards the door and stopped in front of it . sure enough there was a digital door lock next to the door . she punched in the code and held her breath . the door unlocked and rosalie was able to push it open . she walked inside , rolling her luggage behind her , and carrying her pet carrier . blake floated in after her as she shut the door . the door automatically locked behind them . rosalie flipped on a light switch and blakes apartment was illuminated in all its luxurious glory . the penthouse suite was spacious and had an open living room and kitchen to make the main room seem even more spacious . the balcony could be seen from the living room . the penthouse had come with appliances from the 50s but blake had updated a few of them with higher end ones . the dcor was very modern with a black , white and silver color theme . blake had purchased some expensive leather couches to glam up the living room and had situated them around a low , glass table that was in front of a huge , flat screen tv and home entertainment center . also in the entertainment center was a high-tech cd player with large speakers . there were shelving units filled with hundreds of cds , and old records that were part of an expensive and valuable collection . in the dinning room area there was a long , rectangular-shaped table that could seat six people . above the dinning table hung a modern , bronze chandelier that looked like twisting vines with leaves . the open kitchen had the latest high-tech , chrome appliances , marble counters , the best fridge currently available , a nice four burner stove , automatic dishwasher , pale blue cabinets , and a kitchen island . there was a mini bar with an impressive collection of expensive booze in the living room . off to the right side of the living room was a drum set , an electric guitar , a bass guitar and a diamond-encrusted microphone stuck into a microphone stand . blake had an impressive collection of rock posters hanging on his walls : a rolling stones poster with a pair of dice on it , an the offspring poster that was black , red and yellow and had their logo of a skull with flames on top of its head , a green day poster with psychedelic colors and the guitarist on it , a sex pistols poster that was black and white and that had a picture of the queen of england on it and the words : god save the queen - sex pistols , a led zeppelin poster with an avocado with eyes on it , a tom petty poster that read : wanted tom petty : heartbreakers , a pink floyd poster with a flying pig on it , a red hot chili peppers poster with a grinning green demon eating a chili pepper , and an old beatles poster .	[["hear", 7], ["hears", 7], ["heard", 7], ["owe", 16], ["owes", 16], ["owing", 16], ["place", 26], ["money", 37], ["moneys", 37], ["chump", 51], ["change", 58], ["incredible", 79], ["actress", 87], ["anthony", 97], ["singer", 111], ["band", 123], ["red", 131], ["hot", 135], ["chili", 141], ["chilis", 141], ["pepper", 149], ["peppered", 149], ["peppering", 149], ["peppers", 149], ["record", 158], ["recorded", 158], ["vocal", 169], ["vocals", 169], ["song", 182], ["way", 193], ["ways", 193], ["british", 212], ["lilly", 225], ["allen", 231], ["write", 237], ["writing", 237], ["wrote", 237], ["song", 254], ["songs", 254], ["second", 269], ["seconded", 269], ["album", 275], ["albums", 275], ["importantly", 303], ["rockstar", 312], ["blake", 318], ["white", 324], ["come", 333], ["lyric", 348], ["lyrics", 348], ["devon", 376], ["compose", 389], ["composed", 389], ["step", 411], ["steps", 411], ["become", 418], ["became", 418], ["stiff", 424], ["robotic", 436], ["like", 441], ["approach", 459], ["approaches", 459], ["approached", 459], ["entrance", 472], ["entrancing", 472], ["hotel", 485], ["ask", 501], ["asked", 501], ["nervously", 513], ["worry", 526], ["worried", 526], ["beggar", 535], ["beggared", 535], ["beggarest", 535], ["girl", 540], ["part", 561], ["parting", 561], ["world", 574], ["celebrity", 589], ["celebrities", 589], ["important", 608], ["thing", 614], ["attitude", 628], ["enter", 650], ["keep", 691], ["keepest", 691], ["back", 701], ["straight", 710], ["chin", 724], ["go", 736], ["goest", 736], ["motion", 753], ["dramatically", 766], ["hand", 780], ["towards", 788], ["front", 798], ["door", 803], ["nod", 820], ["nodded", 820], ["take", 829], ["took", 829], ["deep", 836], ["deeply", 836], ["breath", 843], ["breathest", 843], ["roll", 858], ["rolling", 858], ["luggage", 870], ["behind", 877], ["doorman", 923], ["open", 941], ["even", 981], ["evens", 981], ["eye", 990], ["eyed", 990], ["contact", 998], ["stride", 1012], ["stridden", 1012], ["confidently", 1024], ["inside", 1031], ["reception", 1068], ["desk", 1073], ["ignore", 1093], ["ignored", 1093], ["well", 1106], ["wells", 1106], ["head", 1117], ["headed", 1117], ["directly", 1126], ["elevator", 1147], ["float", 1171], ["floating", 1171], ["press", 1197], ["pressed", 1197], ["summon", 1220], ["summonest", 1220], ["summoning", 1220], ["button", 1227], ["buttoning", 1227], ["arrive", 1252], ["arrived", 1252], ["minute", 1264], ["step", 1278], ["stepped", 1278], ["wheel", 1297], ["wheeled", 1297], ["floor", 1365], ["door", 1386], ["doors", 1386], ["close", 1393], ["closed", 1393], ["let", 1409], ["lets", 1409], ["relief", 1432], ["reliefs", 1432], ["turn", 1445], ["turned", 1445], ["give", 1453], ["grateful", 1470], ["look", 1475], ["nod", 1495], ["good", 1521], ["snooty", 1567], ["fine", 1599], ["open", 1617], ["opened", 1617], ["upon", 1622], ["seventh", 1634], ["chew", 1675], ["chews", 1675], ["chewest", 1675], ["chewed", 1675], ["low", 1688], ["lowed", 1688], ["lip", 1692], ["lipped", 1692], ["unsure", 1701], ["unsured", 1701], ["next", 1721], ["penthouse", 1763], ["first", 1776], ["firstest", 1776], ["right", 1795], ["rightest", 1795], ["room", 1802], ["roomed", 1802], ["room", 1832], ["roomed", 1832], ["rooms", 1832], ["use", 1836], ["key", 1841], ["keyed", 1841], ["keyest", 1841], ["keys", 1841], ["digital", 1861], ["lock", 1871], ["put", 1875], ["pass", 1889], ["code", 1894], ["inform", 1921], ["informs", 1921], ["informed", 1921], ["cross", 1937], ["crossing", 1937], ["crossed", 1937], ["finger", 1949], ["fingers", 1949], ["else", 1983], ["rent", 1995], ["renting", 1995], ["suite", 2015], ["different", 2053], ["walk", 2070], ["walked", 2070], ["stop", 2099], ["stopped", 2099], ["sure", 2121], ["enough", 2128], ["punch", 2189], ["punching", 2189], ["punched", 2189], ["hold", 2210], ["held", 2210], ["unlock", 2241], ["unlocking", 2241], ["unlockest", 2241], ["able", 2262], ["abled", 2262], ["push", 2270], ["carry", 2346], ["carrying", 2346], ["pet", 2354], ["petting", 2354], ["carrier", 2362], ["float", 2378], ["floated", 2378], ["shut", 2403], ["automatically", 2437], ["lock", 2444], ["locked", 2444], ["flip", 2474], ["flipping", 2474], ["flipped", 2474], ["lit", 2485], ["light", 2485], ["switch", 2492], ["switching", 2492], ["blake", 2503], ["apartment", 2513], ["illuminate", 2529], ["illuminated", 2529], ["luxurious", 2550], ["glory", 2556], ["gloried", 2556], ["spacious", 2591], ["kitchen", 2631], ["kitchens", 2631], ["main", 2648], ["seem", 2658], ["seeming", 2658], ["balcony", 2691], ["see", 2705], ["seen", 2705], ["appliance", 2767], ["appliances", 2767], ["update", 2802], ["updates", 2802], ["updated", 2802], ["high", 2828], ["end", 2832], ["ends", 2832], ["endest", 2832], ["modern", 2864], ["black", 2877], ["silver", 2896], ["silvered", 2896], ["color", 2902], ["theme", 2908], ["themes", 2908], ["themed", 2908], ["purchase", 2930], ["purchased", 2930], ["expensive", 2945], ["leather", 2953], ["couch", 2961], ["couchest", 2961], ["couches", 2961], ["glam", 2969], ["situate", 3005], ["situated", 3005], ["around", 3017], ["low", 3023], ["lowed", 3023], ["glass", 3031], ["table", 3037], ["tabled", 3037], ["tabling", 3037], ["huge", 3065], ["flat", 3072], ["screen", 3079], ["screening", 3079], ["tv", 3082], ["home", 3091], ["homing", 3091], ["entertainment", 3105], ["center", 3112], ["also", 3119], ["high", 3158], ["tech", 3163], ["techs", 3163], ["cd", 3166], ["player", 3173], ["large", 3184], ["speaker", 3193], ["speakers", 3193], ["shelve", 3215], ["shelving", 3215], ["unit", 3221], ["units", 3221], ["fill", 3228], ["fills", 3228], ["filled", 3228], ["hundred", 3242], ["hundreds", 3242], ["cd", 3249], ["cds", 3249], ["old", 3259], ["record", 3267], ["records", 3267], ["valuable", 3311], ["collection", 3322], ["area", 3349], ["long", 3366], ["longs", 3366], ["rectangular", 3380], ["shape", 3387], ["shapes", 3387], ["shaped", 3387], ["seat", 3409], ["six", 3413], ["people", 3420], ["din", 3440], ["dins", 3440], ["dinning", 3440], ["hung", 3451], ["hang", 3451], ["hangs", 3451], ["bronze", 3469], ["bronzing", 3469], ["chandelier", 3480], ["look", 3492], ["looked", 3492], ["twist", 3506], ["twisted", 3506], ["twisting", 3506], ["vine", 3512], ["vines", 3512], ["left", 3524], ["leave", 3524], ["leaves", 3524], ["late", 3558], ["lates", 3558], ["latest", 3558], ["chrome", 3577], ["marble", 3597], ["counter", 3606], ["counters", 3606], ["good", 3617], ["best", 3617], ["fridge", 3624], ["currently", 3634], ["available", 3644], ["nice", 3653], ["four", 3658], ["burner", 3665], ["stove", 3671], ["automatic", 3683], ["automatics", 3683], ["dishwasher", 3694], ["pale", 3701], ["blue", 3706], ["cabinet", 3715], ["cabinets", 3715], ["island", 3738], ["mini", 3757], ["minis", 3757], ["bar", 3761], ["impressive", 3780], ["booze", 3810], ["boozing", 3810], ["side", 3853], ["sidest", 3853], ["drum", 3883], ["drummed", 3883], ["set", 3887], ["electric", 3901], ["guitar", 3908], ["bass", 3917], ["basses", 3917], ["diamond", 3938], ["encrust", 3948], ["encrusting", 3948], ["encrusted", 3948], ["microphone", 3959], ["microphones", 3959], ["stick", 3965], ["stickest", 3965], ["stuck", 3965], ["stood", 3989], ["stand", 3989], ["standest", 3989], ["rock", 4034], ["poster", 4042], ["posters", 4042], ["hung", 4050], ["hang", 4050], ["hangs", 4050], ["hanging", 4050], ["wall", 4063], ["walls", 4063], ["stone", 4082], ["stoning", 4082], ["stones", 4082], ["poster", 4089], ["pair", 4101], ["pairs", 4101], ["dice", 4109], ["dicing", 4109], ["offspring", 4134], ["yellow", 4173], ["logo", 4192], ["logos", 4192], ["skull", 4203], ["flame", 4215], ["flames", 4215], ["top", 4222], ["head", 4234], ["green", 4244], ["greens", 4244], ["day", 4248], ["psychedelic", 4272], ["color", 4279], ["colors", 4279], ["guitarist", 4297], ["sex", 4311], ["pistol", 4319], ["pistols", 4319], ["picture", 4374], ["queen", 4387], ["queens", 4387], ["queenest", 4387], ["queening", 4387], ["england", 4398], ["word", 4418], ["words", 4418], ["god", 4424], ["save", 4429], ["lead", 4461], ["leaded", 4461], ["led", 4461], ["zeppelin", 4470], ["avocado", 4493], ["avocados", 4493], ["eye", 4503], ["eyed", 4503], ["eyes", 4503], ["tom", 4517], ["petty", 4523], ["read", 4540], ["reads", 4540], ["pink", 4584], ["floyd", 4590], ["fly", 4611], ["flys", 4611], ["flying", 4611], ["pig", 4615], ["pigged", 4615], ["pigging", 4615], ["grin", 4670], ["demon", 4682], ["eat", 4689], ["eating", 4689], ["pepper", 4704], ["peppered", 4704], ["peppering", 4704], ["beatle", 4725], ["beatles", 4725]]
no one is killing anyone yet . `` lyka phelan . '' `` my sister , '' said andreas . `` half sister , '' she corrected . nika walked up to the group . she 'd gained a bit of weight over the last couple of weeks , filling out the gaunt hollows under her cheeks and giving her pale skin a bit of color . her white hair hung straight , swaying about her chin to frame her face . her bright blue eyes were on madoc , and though she said no words aloud , joseph was sure she 'd asked him what this was all about . the mental link the pair had was beyond anything joseph had ever witnessed . they 'd been together for only a couple of weeks , and in that time , they 'd become a well-oiled killing machine . madoc and nika could now take down an entire nest by themselves , though it left a hell of a mess behind . nika went to the woman , reached up , and placed her hand on her head . lyka flinched , as if nika 's hand was cold . nika turned to joseph . `` she has no weapons , but wishes she had one , so she could use it on this man . '' she pointed to andreas . joseph looked at the slayer . `` just like you said . '' `` may we come inside ? '' it was n't like a nakd slayer and his sister showed up on their doorstep every day . `` we 'll go to one of the cabins in back . we had a little incident with some explosives last year , so i 'm a bit cautious . '' `` suits me , '' said andreas . `` we 're playing by the rules , all nice and civilized . right , lyka ? '' lyka growled at her brother . `` someone fetch this man some pants , '' ordered joseph . `` i 'd appreciate something to wear , too , '' said lyka . the fact that she was nakd under that sheet was not lost on joseph . he found himself staring , trying to discern her shape . all he got was caterpillar . `` i 'll find her something of andra 's that will fit , '' offered nika . `` they 're about the same size . '' andreas picked up his sister in his arms and said , `` lead the way . '' joseph walked around dabyr to one of the vacant cabins near the lake . four of his men guarded his back , but he 'd dismissed the others , knowing that there was a lot of bad blood between the two races . it had been years since the last confrontation , but theronai lived a long time , and he did n't know any of his men who had n't lost someone due to violence initiated by the slayers . as leader , he had to put aside his own prejudices and focus on the present . he would n't think about the friends he 'd lost at the hands of the slayers . if things turned ugly ... joseph opened the door and flipped on the light . this cabin had been prepared for disuse , and the furniture was covered with white drop cloths . he motioned toward a small couch for his guests to sit . andreas set his sister down and then donned the pair of borrowed jeans , unselfconscious about his nudity . lyka was still wrapped up in the sheet , and joseph was keenly aware of hers . `` mind if i get dressed ? '' she asked joseph , her tone caustic and belligerent . joseph nodded his head toward the small bathroom behind him . morgan , untape her . '' the theronai flashed a bright smile . lyka lifted her chin to look up at him . `` i may be unarmed , but that does n't mean i wo n't find a way to hurt you . '' `` behave , lyka , '' scolded her brother . `` show some honor . '' `` if he has his way , i 'll be showing a hell of a lot more than honor . i 'd really rather not put myself on display to our enemy . '' `` enough , '' said andreas . his voice was low , but the menace threaded through his tone was enough to make joseph 's hand twitch toward his sword . lyka pressed her lips closed and stood there while morgan ripped the tape from the sheet . joseph wanted to watch him open such a lovely package , but he knew better than to leer . lyka gripped the now loose sheet , and went into the bathroom where nika had dropped a set of borrowed clothing . andreas pulled in a breath , like he was preparing to do something distasteful . `` i 've only recently come into power over the slayers . until i was privy to the information our previous leader had , i had no clue how bad things truly were . ''	[["kill", 17], ["killing", 17], ["anyone", 24], ["yet", 28], ["phelan", 45], ["sister", 63], ["say", 73], ["sayest", 73], ["said", 73], ["andrea", 81], ["andreas", 81], ["half", 91], ["correct", 117], ["corrected", 117], ["walk", 131], ["walked", 131], ["group", 147], ["gain", 163], ["gained", 163], ["bit", 169], ["bits", 169], ["weight", 179], ["weighted", 179], ["weightest", 179], ["last", 193], ["couple", 200], ["week", 209], ["weeks", 209], ["fill", 219], ["fills", 219], ["filling", 219], ["gaunt", 233], ["hollow", 241], ["hollows", 241], ["cheek", 258], ["cheeks", 258], ["give", 269], ["giving", 269], ["pale", 278], ["skin", 283], ["color", 298], ["white", 310], ["hair", 315], ["hung", 320], ["hang", 320], ["hangs", 320], ["straight", 329], ["sway", 339], ["swayed", 339], ["swaying", 339], ["chin", 354], ["frame", 363], ["face", 372], ["bright", 385], ["brights", 385], ["blue", 390], ["eye", 395], ["eyed", 395], ["eyes", 395], ["though", 422], ["word", 440], ["words", 440], 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lisa just told me she knows what i 'm wearingi have n't even seen it . '' `` but you know what it is , right ? '' `` sure , well i think so . '' `` i fail to see the problem then . besides , you know how much i love to surprise you . '' `` jason , '' i cautioned , `` what do n't i know ? '' `` it 's fine , everything is arranged . '' `` not so sure i like the sound of that . what does arranged mean ? '' `` just play along , you wo n't be disappointed . one thing though '' 'uh oh , here it comes , ' i thought . `` i 'm going to meet you there . '' you 're not picking me up ? `` please , just trust me . our mother 's have set this all up . tink is going to bring you in the roverhe has the time table , so make sure you 're ready on time . '' `` jason , '' i warned . `` come on , it 's a big night and it turned out okay last year , right ? '' my thoughts raced back to that beautiful night under the twinkle light umbrella by the river . `` then just trust me , it 'll all be worth it . '' he jogged off toward the locker room . `` you better get going , you do n't want to be late . '' * * * elizabeth and melanie met me at the door and ushered me quickly inside and then upstairs to the new bathroom . elizabeth insisted i bathe although i 'd bathed in the creek after my last hunti did n't argue , i could tell there was no point . while i bathed , i decided jason was right , i 'd just go for it , after all , if elizabeth and jason 's mom had worked together on this , how bad could it be . while i dried off , i noticed a pair of underwear and a robe on the back of the door . i slipped them on and stepped out into the hallway . elizabeth and melanie were waiting for me . they hurried me down to elizabeth 's room . melanie did my hairwhich was impossible , but she did an admirable job of pining it up on top of my head with just a few curls flowing down in the back and in front of my ears . she also wove a diamond laced hair bandfake i hopedaround the bun . elizabeth insisted on doing my eyes , and would not let me see the makeup she was using . 'trust , ' i reminded myself . elizabeth would n't do anything to jeopardize my safety or self-control . before she let me open my eyes , she turned me away from the mirror . she said to melanie . melanie 's face lit up like a little school girl . behind her , on the door , was a dress bag . melanie turned . elizabeth said , stepping to my side . `` we 'll put it on you , then we have a cloak to cover it . you must keep your eyes closed . you can not spoil jason 's surprise . '' `` you made the dress , right ? i 'm not going to be embarrassed ? '' `` no , you 're going to be beautiful beyond your wildest dreams . '' `` i 've been waiting for this moment all week . '' elizabeth wrapped a blind fold around my eyesshe knew me too well . `` first these , '' melanie said . she gently took my left hand and slid on an elbow length satin glove and then followed with the right one . there was ruffling on the bed and melanie whispered , `` it 's stunning , even better than the picture . '' `` it turned out splendidly . '' `` i ca n't wait to see her in it . '' melaniei thinkuntied my sash and pushed the robe off my shoulders . `` hold your arms up over your head . '' when i did , they slipped the dress down over my body . melanie adjusted the top . the only thing that felt different than the last fitting , were the poofy , off the shoulder straps . `` there , '' melanie said , making another adjustment to the front of the bodice . `` lace her up . '' behind me , elizabeth began pulling laces tighter from my waist up to the middle of my back about where it seemed the straps connected to the gown . `` ah , '' elizabeth gasped , `` we forgot the petticoat . arms down . '' they pulled what felt like yards of material up under my arms . `` hold this , '' melanie said , `` but try not to wrinkle it . '' melanie touched my leg and i lifted my leg as she slid the petticoat under my foot . we then did my other leg and they pulled the petticoat up over my hips and tightened it at my waist . `` okay , release the dress . '' when i did , they busied themselves around me , straightening the gown . finally , the fidgeting stopped .	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a more detailed inspection revealed that her clothing was gone too . feeling oddly bereft and vaguely disquieted now he rose and dressed in his turn . then he summoned jack . an enquiry elicited the message that elena had left for him . harry looked at the other man in astonishment . 'gone out ? at this hour ? ' 'aye , my lord . ' 'and she did n't say where ? ' she said she 'd explain on her return . ' harry could n't imagine where she might have gone but , feeling reassured to learn that she was attended by concha , he forbore to question jack any further . no doubt the mystery would be cleared up in due course . he ran a hand over the bristles on his chin . in the meantime he needed to shave . * * * for a little while the two women walked in companionable silence until elena noticed the covert glances directed her way . 'what is it , concha ? is there something on your mind ? ' 'jack has asked me to marry him . ' 'good gracious ! has he ? ' then , recollecting herself , she hurried on . 'not that it 's to be wondered at . he always did seem like a sensible man . ' concha reddened a little . 'that i would consider his proposal . ' elena surveyed her steadily . 'you like him though . ' i did n't at first ... well , not much anyway , but he has grown on me since then . ' 'i had a strong suspicion he liked you . ' 'he says he loves me . ' the words caused a pang of something very like envy . elena forced it down . 'then if you both feel the same why should you hesitate ? ' 'i said that i could not think of marrying him until you are safely settled in your new home . ' 'concha , you have devoted years of your life to my welfare . it 's time to think of your own happiness . ' 'jack says he does n't mind waiting . besides , i think it will be a wrench for him to leave his lordship 's service . ' 'is he planning to do so ? ' 'he means to set up in business . ' elena 's eyes widened . 'what manner of business ? ' 'a coaching inn , he says . ' 'how exciting . ' 'he has the means to do it . apparently the war was not a total disaster , financially at least . ' 'shall you like living in a coaching inn ? ' 'the idea is not without appeal . i have the necessary domestic knowledge , and jack is a good organiser . he was an army sergeant before so he 'll be able to deal with staff , and he knows a lot about horses too . ' 'you 'll make a perfect team . ' 'i think we might . ' 'if it 's what you want you have my blessing . ' 'has jack spoken to his lordship yet ? ' 'he will not , until he has my answer . ' 'then i will say nothing either . it will be our secret for now . ' they lapsed into silence again , each rapt in thought . the conversation had given elena much food for thought . while she was pleased for concha the emotion was also tinged with sadness because with her went the last connection to spain . concha had been like her right arm for so long that it was hard to imagine being without her . adversity had drawn them close so that in many ways she had been more like a sister than a servant . losing her would be hard indeed . elena pulled herself up sharply . if anyone deserved happiness it was concha . jack was a good man . he had proved his worth many times over and he would no doubt make a fine husband . she had won his heart besides . elena was tempted to ask how it was done . if there was a secret she did n't have it . harry might care for her , but it was belen he loved . these thoughts occupied her until she reached her destination and stopped outside an imposing building . concha regarded the church with undisguised astonishment . 'is this the place , dona elena ? ' 'yes , this is the place . ' now that she was here elena felt unexpectedly nervous and she hesitated . concha eyed her quizzically . 'it 's just that , having turned my back on the tenant for so long , it feels like a real cheek to turn up at his house out of the blue like this . ' 'well , i suppose you could have sent a note beforehand , ' said concha , 'but since the tenant is reputed to be omniscient that would seem to be unnecessary . ' 'a fair point . ' 'besides , if we 're not wanted here i expect he 'll make his displeasure known . ' 'lightning bolts ? ' 'i think i 'll risk it , ' said elena .	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surely , if she had killed tatiana , daniella would have paid for both of joe 's lies . and of course , there was the last test pressing against lissa 's mind . the riddle . the riddle that seemed to have so many answers -- and yet , none at all.what must a queen possess in order to truly rule her people ? in some ways , it was more difficult than the other tests . those had had a hands-on component , so to speak . this was her own intellect . no fire to build . no fear to look in the eye . she hated that she took the riddle so seriously too . she did n't need its stress , not with everything else going on . life would have been simpler if she 'd kept treating the trials simply as a scam to buy us time . the court was continually swelling with those who had come to see the election , and more and more of them -- much to her disbelief -- were throwing their support behind her . she could hardly walk anywhere without people calling out about `` the dragon ' or `` alexandra reborn . ' word of her attack had gotten out too , which seemed to have fueled her supporters even more . but , of course , lissa still had plenty of opposition . the biggest case against her was the same old legal one : that she would n't be eligible for votes when the time came . another mark against her was her age . she was too young , her opponents said . who would want a child on the throne ? but lissa 's admirers would n't hear any of it . they kept citing young alexandra 's rule and the miracles lissa had wrought with her healing . age was irrelevant . the moroi needed young blood , they cried . they also demanded the voting laws be changed . unsurprisingly , her opponents also kept bringing up the fact that she was tied to a queen-killing murderer . i 'd have thought that would have been the biggest issue in her candidacy , but she 'd been so convincing about how i 'd shocked and betrayed her that many felt her being queen would actually right the wrong i 'd committed . she 'd used bits of compulsion whenever the topic came up , which also went a long way in making others think she was now completely dissociated from me . `` i 'm so tired of this , ' lissa told christian , back in her room . she 'd sought escape there and was lying on her bed in his arms . my mom was there , on guard . `` this queen thing was a horrible idea . ' christian stroked her hair . abe said the election will be delayed because of the uproar . and no matter how much you complain , i know you 're proud you made it this far . ' the chalice test had cut the nominees in half . only five remained . ariana szelsky was one of them , as was daniella 's cousin , rufus tarus . lissa was the third , with marcus lazar and marie conta rounding out the group . ronald ozera had n't made it through . `` i 've never seen anything like this -- it 's incredible how much support you 're getting . the council and other royals are under no obligations to change the law . but the mob 's loud ... and gaining the love of `` commoners ' could benefit certain royals . standing by your claim to run would certainly reflect well on a couple families that are out of favor . what 's holding them back is the thought that you might actually win . so they 'll just keep arguing and arguing . ' lissa stiffened . `` winning ... that 's not really possible , is it ? ariana 's got it sealed ... winning had never been a part of this crazy plan , and now , with so few candidates , the pressure was even greater to get ariana on the throne . as far as lissa was concerned , the other candidates showed no promise of improving moroi life . ariana had to win . `` i 'd say so , ' said janine . there was pride in her voice , seeing how close she was to the szelsky family . `` ariana 's brilliant and competent , and most people know it . she 'd treat dhampirs fairly -- more so than some of the other candidates . she 's already spoken about reversing the age law . ' the thought of worse laws oppressing the dhampirs made lissa 's stomach sink . `` god , i hope she wins . we ca n't have anything else go wrong . ' a knock at the door snapped my mom into full guardian mode until lissa said , `` it 's adrian . ' `` well , ' muttered christian , `` at least his timing 's better than usual . ' sure enough , my boyfriend entered , wreathed in his now usual scent of smoke and liquor . true , his vices were the least of my concerns , but it kept bugging me that he needed me to be there in person to enforce his good behavior .	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instead , she appeared to be even more indifferent than usual as she lifted her cup to her lips for an idle sip , and he figured he must have just imagined that soft sound of satisfaction . `` so ... '' she began slowly when she lowered the cup . `` how 's the search coming ? have you found the problem you were looking for ? '' i was pretty much resigned to the fact that it could take several days . possibly even several weeks , depending on the state of mr. kimball 's files . '' she sipped her tea again , then said mildly , `` mr. kimball 's files are a complete mess . you 'll be lucky if you can find his sangria recipe in there . '' leo smiled confidently . `` oh , i bet i could find it . '' she smiled indulgently in return . `` oh , i bet you could n't . '' he chuckled , then turned back to the computer . in less than five minutes , he had pulled up a screen . `` one three-liter box of cheap red burgundy , '' he began . `` one liter citrus soda , one can frozen peach juice concentrate , juice from one jar maraschino cherries-add cherries , too ... '' miss rigby jumped up from where she had perched herself on the edge of the desk and rounded the big piece of furniture until she stood behind leo . `` i 've practically turned the computer upside down looking for that recipe . '' he glanced over his shoulder at her and grinned cockily . `` well , miss rigby , i 'm just that good . '' the look she gave him in response struck him as odd . for some reason , she seemed worried about something . certainly his comment could have been taken as sexually suggestive-and , naturally , that was the way he had intended it-but still . she did n't have to look that anxious . her lips parted fractionally , as if she were about to put voice to her concerns , but all she said was , `` quick , print it up . i 'm hosting my garden club next weekend . '' he pushed the print button , and immediately , the laser printer hummed with activity . miss rigby set her tea down on kimball 's desk and went to retrieve her prize , but her expression , as she scanned the recipe , still seemed significantly worried . `` is there a problem , miss rigby ? '' leo asked , curious about her reaction . for a moment , he did n't think she 'd heard him , then she jerked her head up and looked at him . no , no , there 's no problem at all . '' her face cleared then of its clouds , and she smiled , but somehow the gesture seemed forced . `` i 'm just trying to remember if we have any maraschino cherries , that 's all . '' somehow , leo doubted that was really what was on her mind at the moment . after all , what kind of self-respecting billionaire would run out of maraschino cherries ? no , he 'd wager that miss rigby 's apprehension came from something else entirely , something that had nothing to do with sangria . `` can i- '' he began . `` have a cookie ? why certainly , mr. freiberger , '' she cut him off . she circled the desk again and reached for the plate where someone had artfully arranged a half-dozen different varieties of baked goods . `` mrs. kaiser is particularly proud of her springerlies , '' she said as she extended the plate toward leo . `` i 'm sure you 'll love them . '' it did n't take a genius to figure out that she wanted to change the subject . and speaking of geniuses , that reminded him of something he wanted to ask her about . `` so what 's the deal with mr. kimball 's sister and iqs ? '' he asked as he closed the program housing the billionaire 's sangria recipe and reached for a cookie . miss rigby chuckled . `` you 've met janey , then , have you ? '' she gave me a spelling test . '' the secretary perched herself on the edge of kimball 's desk , a posture that resulted in the hem of her already short skirt shrinking even more . somehow , he suspected the gesture was deliberate , that by revealing a little extra thigh , miss rigby was hoping she might make him forget all about her odd reaction to the sangria recipe . as far as leo was concerned , she succeeded . `` did you pass the exam ? '' `` of course , '' he told her , reaching for his coffee again , but keeping his gaze trained on the smooth skin of her thigh . `` janey suffers from second child syndrome , '' miss rigby said after sipping her tea . `` and when the first child is someone like schuyler , well ... needless to say , janey was somewhat overlooked in her youth .	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`` i 'm fine , '' abby said . `` this is me not getting alcohol poisoning . '' `` no , this is stupid . `` hey , you got the uh ... her uh ... '' `` present ? '' he said with one eyebrow up . `` i got it , '' he said , clearly unhappy . abby fell back against the tub once more , and i promptly wiped her face . shepley wet a fresh rag and tossed it to me . `` yell if you need me , '' shepley said . `` i 'm going to lie awake in bed , trying to think of a way to get mare to forgive me . '' i relaxed against the tub as best i could , and pulled abby against me . she sighed , letting her body melt into mine . even with her covered in vomit , close to her was the only place i wanted to be . her words at the party replayed in my mind . in another life , i could love you . abby was lying weak and sick in my arms , depending on me to take care of her . in that moment i recognized that my feelings for her were a lot stronger than i thought . sometime between the moment we met , and holding her on that bathroom floor , i had fallen in love with her . abby sighed , and then rested her head in my lap . i made sure she was completely covered with blankets before i let myself nod off . her breathing evened out , and her head fell heavily against my legs . the cold porcelain against my back and the unforgiving tile under my ass were brutal , but i did n't dare move . she was comfortable , and she would stay that way . twenty minutes into watching her breathe , the parts of me that hurt started to numb , and my eyes closed . chapter fourteen oz already , the day had n't started off well . abby was somewhere with america , trying to talk her out of dumping shepley , and shepley was chewing off his fingernails in the living room , waiting for abby to work a miracle . i 'd taken the puppy out once , paranoid that america would pull up at any moment and ruin the surprise . even though i 'd fed him and given him a towel to snuggle up with , he was whining . sympathy was n't my strong point , but no one could blame him . sitting in a tiny box was n't anyone 's idea of a good time . thankfully , seconds before they returned , the little mongrel had quieted down and gone to sleep . shepley said , jumping off the couch . `` okay , '' i said , quietly shutting shepley 's door behind me . `` play it coo- '' before my sentence was complete , shepley had opened the door and run down the stairs . the doorway was a great spot to watch abby smile at shepley and america 's eager reconciliation . abby shoved her hands into her back pockets and walked to the apartment . the fall clouds cast a gray shadow over everything , but abby 's smile was like summertime . with each step she took that brought her closer to where i stood , my heart pounded harder against my chest . `` and they lived happily ever after , '' i said , closing the door behind her . we sat together on the couch , and i pulled her legs onto my lap . `` what do you wan na do today , pidge ? '' or rest ... or sleep . '' `` can i give you your present , first ? '' `` it 's not a diamond bracelet , but i thought you 'd like it . '' `` i 'll love it , sight unseen . '' i lifted her legs off of my lap and went to retrieve her gift . i tried not to shake the box , hoping the puppy would n't wake up and make any noises to tip her off . `` ssshhhh , little man . no crying , okay ? i sat the box at her feet , crouching behind it . `` hurry , i want you to be surprised . '' she asked , lifting the lid . she shrieked , reaching into the box . she lifted the puppy to her face , trying to keep hold of it as it wiggled and stretched its neck , desperate to cover her mouth with kisses . you got me a puppy ! '' `` it 's a cairn terrier . i had to drive three hours to pick him up thursday after class . '' `` so when you said you were going with shepley to take his car to the shop ... '' `` we went to get your present . '' `` he 's wiggly ! '' `` every girl from kansas needs a toto , '' i said , trying to keep the fur ball from falling off her lap . `` he does look like toto ! that 's what i 'm going to call him , '' she said , wrinkling her nose at him . she was happy , and that made me happy . `` you can keep him here .	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he dragged his eyes up to meet hers . there were sparks in them , luminescent butterscotch in dark chocolate , like a glittering sundae . i 'm getting the hell out of here before i take one of your stupid bow ties and strangle you with it ! '' gabriel frowned , for he had always thought that those ties were smart . `` who is gollum ? '' `` christa-fking-peterson . '' christa ? i guess she is gollum-like . `` forget about christa . did you have sex with me ? '' he crossed his arms and his voice grew serious . `` in your dreams , gabriel ! '' `` that is not a denial , miss mitchell . '' he put his hand on her arm and forced her to stop what she was doing . `` and do n't tell me it would n't have formed part of your dreams too . '' `` get your hands off me , you arrogant bastard ! '' julia pulled away so forcefully she almost fell backward . `` of course , you would have to be drunk to want to fk me. `` gabriel reddened . who said anything about fking ? '' i 'm the crazy little whore who 's down on my knees every five seconds . whatever happened , consider yourself lucky you do n't remember it ! i 'm sure it was more than forgettable . '' gabriel 's hand grabbed her chin and held it firmly , lifting it so her face was inches from his . `` i said stop it. `` his eyes flashed back at hers , and in them julia read a serious warning . `` you are not a whore . and do n't ever speak about yourself like that again . '' his tone slid across her skin like an ice cube . he let her go and took a very large step back , his chest heaving and his eyes burning . he closed his eyes hard and began to breathe deeply , very deeply . even in his shadowy , soused thinking he knew that things had escalated far beyond what was warranted . he needed to calm the fk down fast , and then he needed to calm her down before she did something rash . the look in her eyes said it all ; he 'd cornered her like an animal . she was angry and hurt and frightened and sad - a furious , wounded kitten with claws drawn and tears glistening at the corners of her eyes . he had done this to her , a brown-eyed angel , when he compared her to a whore and failed to remember whatever happened between them last night . you must have seduced her if she 's acting like this ... emerson , you are a grade a a**hole . and you just kissed your career good-bye . while gabriel was thinking , and thinking slowly , julia saw an opportunity and took it . cursing him loudly , she grabbed her clothes from the dryer and ran into the guest room , slamming and locking the door behind her . she pul ed off his boxer shorts , dropping them disdainful y on the floor , and quickly pulled on her damp socks and jeans . when she realized that she 'd left her bra on top of the dryer she decided she 'd just leave without it . he can add that to his collection . she decided not to change out of his t-shirt since it was less revealing than her own . and if he demanded his t-shirt back , she 'd scratch his eyes out . julia stood with her ear against the door , listening for any sound of movement in the hallway . her lack of clarity on this point gave her a few precious moments to think . she 'd lost her temper and been stupid . she knew what gabriel could be like ; she 'd seen the shattered coffee table and the blood spattered on grace 's carpet . although she was positive that her gabriel would never , ever strike her , she had no idea what professor emerson would do when provoked . but he 'd made her so angry . and she 'd never had the chance to rage against him before . it was as if all of her pent up anger was screaming to get out . she had to push back ; she had to get him out of her system once and for all . she 'd wasted her life pining for someone who was n't real , some temporary alcoholic apparition , and today it was finally going to stop . you 've yelled and cursed at him . just get the hell out before he decides to get physical . while julia was getting dressed , gabriel was stumbling to the kitchen in order to find something to remove the scotch-woven cobwebs from his mind . he opened the door to the refrigerator and leaned against it , bathed in its brilliant fluorescence . his blue eyes glanced over the fridge 's contents until they found a large white tray . a very pretty , large white tray .	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she 'd saved me from jumping off the nearest bridge a few times in high school . her parents were understanding and let me sleep over , too many nights to count , after my mother and i had had one of our screaming matches . but our friendship definitely went both ways . i knew ella 's optimistic front sometimes hid a lot of pain . her family had its own share of heartbreak when ella 's brother passed away in high school . ella admitted my sleepovers helped her get through some rough nights , too . `` so back to the hottie-neighbor-friend , '' she said . `` describe him , five words or less , and go . '' it was a game we 'd played since high school called five fingers , but i was n't in the mood . besides , the only words i could think of at the moment to describe bennett were hot , hot , hot , hot , and hot . `` c'mon , tell me something , '' she said . `` he works at raw ink . '' i said it like i was proud or something . `` he 's also an art major at tsu . '' `` no way-think he can do my tattoo ? '' ella had wanted a tattoo for as long as i 'd known her . even after graduation when i went to get mine , she 'd wanted one , but then chickened out . `` you 'll come with , right ? '' `` sure , '' i said , even though i was n't totally sure . why did i ever hook up with bennett 's boss that night ? if i showed up at his place of employment , oliver might think i was still interested . and then if oliver and bennett got to talking about me-yikes . although i was n't even sure why i cared what bennett thought of how i spent my nights . `` maybe you could go to the shop , view his work . tell him your ideas and see what he comes up with . '' *** after kickboxing , i studied my butt off for my critical care class . i needed to keep a b average so i did n't have to repeat the course again . next semester my nursing rotation would be in the university hospital 's intensive care unit , and i was excited to learn something new . the nursing home had prepped me well for end-stage care and crisis intervention . and maybe there 'd be a job waiting for me at the hospital upon graduation . i knew i 'd be decent at nursing because i could keep my emotions at bay while helping people who were too vulnerable to care for themselves . it was important to me , plus the pay was good , because nurses were in such short demand . deep down , i 'd wanted to make my grandma proud . she 'd been a nurse 's aide-had never taken the steps to get her degree . she 'd encouraged me to go to college , even at an early age . said i 'd be the first in our family to graduate , since mom had never finished high school . mom and grandma were always bickering . `` your daddy would roll over in his grave if he saw you traipsing around town with all of those men , '' grandma had said on more than one occasion . she 'd begged mom to set an example for adam and me of a strong and proud single mother . `` only then will a man respect you . '' guess i 'd internalized that lesson more than mom had . despite grandma and mom being different as night and day , when grandma got sick , mom was as wrecked as i 'd ever seen her . she had planned on moving grandma into our home while she went through chemo , but the cancer took her pretty quickly . now i flipped through a gossip magazine , all the while considering whether or not i could sleep in my own bed again . i had brought my pillow and blanket out to the couch and made sure i had the sharpest knife from the kitchen in view on my counter . despite the landlord placing motion sensor lighting near the main door and a locksmith drilling more secure clasps onto my windows , the shadows moving across those blinds in my bedroom made my stomach lurch . last night , a man with the intent of robbing or raping chose my window to climb through . and had bennett not shown up , my day would have looked starkly different . i 'd be a robbed or raped or dead woman because i had frozen on my bed , unable to move . i pulled out my phone and considered texting rob and asking him to sleep over . rob had never slept all the way through the night in my bed because i never allowed him to , but maybe after sex he 'd agree to stay on the couch . i 'd tell him i was a little spooked , and he 'd understand because he was a guy and probably liked having a female depend on him . he 'd be shocked because never once had i relied on him for anything except my own orgasm . but it might turn him on a little-or send him packing .	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fear choked connor when he saw that ilysa was on the opposite side of the fire and unprotected . `` here i am , uncle , '' he said , rising to his feet . hugh looked back and forth between him and ian , confusion on his face . by now , lachlan and ian had also pulled their swords , and the three of them converged on hugh . if they could kill him , there was a good chance the others would flee . hugh was quick and fell back among his men . the fight began in earnest then . connor swung his claymore side to side , slashing pirates and dodging blades , trying to get to hugh , but there were always more men in his way . after a while , the odds did not seem quite as bad . he saw a few of the pirates and rhona fleeing across the field . a moment later , he saw sparks and knew why . `` every one of ye shall die ! '' ilysa was shouting from beside the fire . `` i see your blood ! i see your death shrouds ! '' ilysa 's efforts were helping considerably , but he wished to hell she would not call attention to herself . he looked to alex and duncan , who were closer to her , but they had their hands full battling men near the children . leaving hugh to ian and lachlan , connor worked his way toward ilysa . then , through the melee , he saw hugh moving toward her , too . connor fought like a madman , killing one , two , three men who stood in his way . by then , hugh was dragging ilysa away from the camp . connor finally broke free and followed ilysa 's screams at a dead run . hugh had her over his shoulder and was headed for the path along the cliff . connor was younger and faster , and he was sure he could catch hugh before he got very far . but when hugh reached the edge of the cliff , he did not turn and follow the path . fear struck connor like a bolt of lightning , and he slowed his steps . hugh held ilysa off her feet against his side as he stood with his back to the cliff . connor could n't breathe when he saw how close hugh 's heels were to the edge . the ground could easily crumble beneath his feet and send them both plunging backward . `` it 's finished , hugh , '' he called over the wind . `` then i 'm taking her with me ! '' hugh glanced over his shoulder , and ilysa shrieked as he teetered backward . connor 's heart stopped beating until the man regained his balance . `` for god 's sake , hugh , get away from the edge , '' connor said and started toward them . `` stay back , or i 'll toss her over right now , '' hugh said . `` let her go , '' connor said . `` ye have no grudge against her . '' `` no , but i 'll take my revenge against you the same way i did your father . '' `` i know what ye did to lachlan 's mother . '' connor caught ilysa 's eye and inched forward . somehow he would get to her in time . `` but ye ca n't do that this time and save yourself . '' `` i admit , '' hugh said with a laugh , `` i 'll enjoy this less than sending your father 's lover over the cliff alone . '' `` my father had lots of women , '' connor said . `` ye were a fool to think ye could hurt him that way . '' `` oh , i did have my revenge , '' hugh said . `` he had a mindless passion for your mother , and he never recovered from her death . '' `` what do ye know about that ? '' connor said , trying to divert hugh as he moved forward a bit more . `` it was me she ran off with , '' hugh said . connor maintained his focus , though he was shocked by the revelation . a few more steps , and he would be close enough to lunge for ilysa . `` ye did n't know that , did ye ? '' `` i was eighteen , half my brother 's age , with the good looks he used to have , when she chose me . '' `` my mother did n't give a damn about ye , '' connor said . `` we loved each other ! '' `` she only used ye to punish my father , '' connor said , easing forward . `` ye were nothing next to him . '' `` no , she wanted me , '' hugh said , his eyes wild . `` she could n't love a coward like you , '' connor spat out . `` why did n't ye die in that storm , hugh ? '' `` i - i - `` `` you were too afraid of my father to meet her yourself , '' connor said , cutting him off . `` ye sent someone else to fetch her . 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`` how are you so sure our child is a girl ? '' jessica asked with a proud smile . she too had a feeling the baby was a girl . `` because this world wo n't be complete without a mirror image of you in it , '' he stated as fact . jessica 's eyes filled with tears once again . she could n't believe just a couple of short days ago she 'd been filled with such despair . she felt like she would burst wide open from the joy she was feeling . her eyes returned to the monitor and she took in every detail of the three dimensional image of her child , whom was safe within her womb becoming stronger each day . `` thank you for being a wonderful husband and father , '' she said , barely able to get the words out of her tightened throat . `` no jessica , it 's me who needs to thank you for having so much faith . i love you , jacob and our daughter , '' he said . jessica knew from that day forward her life would be a great adventure and even though there would be trials now and then , things would work out for them all . she looked from the monitor to her husband and then sent up a silent thank you to god for blessing her life with so much . epilogue joseph loved thanksgiving . it was a time of gathering with his family , eating great food and reflecting back on another wonderful year with his dear family and friends . he had so much more to be thankful for this past year with the birth of another beautiful granddaughter and three other grandkids . he cuddled emily close to him and breathed in her magical scent . she was only one week old and he 'd been overjoyed when she 'd made her entrance into the world . `` you 're such a great gift to our family , '' he whispered to her gently , while stroking her soft head . emily stared up at her grandfather , seeming to be mesmerized by his voice . `` tell us another story gampa , '' jasmine demanded . `` of course , '' he replied to his eldest grandchild . `` twas the night before christmas when all through the house ... '' he began and all four grandkids gave their full attention to their grandfather . just as joseph was finishing his story , emily started to fuss and jessica walked into the warm den . `` it sounds to me like emily 's ready for her thanksgiving dinner dad , '' she said to him , before bending down and giving him a kiss on the cheek . joseph reluctantly handed emily over to her mother . she chuckled at him , `` do n't worry grandpa , you can have her back soon , '' she said . `` i 'll take the kids out and let you have some privacy , '' he replied gruffly before departing . jessica sat down in the comfortable rocker joseph had purchased for her and amy . she fed her child and felt so much contentment she could easily overflow . dinner is being served . when you are done feeding her , i can burp her while you go sit down . you need to keep your energy up , '' alex said as he walked into the room . `` we 're almost done , '' jessica said quietly . they sat there in a companionable silence while emily finished eating . jessica then handed her over to her father and sat with them as he gently burped her . `` you can go eat , '' he said with an affectionate smile . `` i know but i 'd rather wait . i still ca n't get over how wonderful she looks in your arms . your hands are bigger than her little body , '' she replied . he 'd been so afraid to hold his tiny daughter the first time . she was so little , he felt as if he 'd break her but once jessica placed emily in his arms he knew he could hold her twenty-four hours a day and it still would n't be enough . alex finished burping her and she was sound asleep . he laid her down in her bassinet and then walked hand in hand towards the laughter coming from the dining room . joseph was out on the balcony saying a prayer . he was so thankful for his ever-growing family . he got a twinkle in his eyes as he thought about his youngest son . `` ah mark , i 've found you the perfect match , '' he whispered into the night . joseph chuckled to himself as he imagined his youngest son fighting to keep his bachelorhood . he would definitely fight it but the fall would be ever so sweet . `` joseph , everyone 's waiting on you , '' came the sweet sound of his katherine 's voice . `` they can wait one more moment . come here my beautiful wife , '' he said , while holding his arm out towards her . he pulled her into his arms and kissed her with a deep love that went beyond passion . she was a part of his soul .	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he stopped moving , so shaken he trembled . the sound of it tore out his heart . his fingers curled around the rose , a tight fist against such a wrong . he drew a deep breath of air into his lungs , held it , let it out slowly . her crying was almost more than he could bear . it made him weak and it turned his insides to mush . he reminded himself every day it was a loss of control , not very macho for a special forces man , and most of all that peter whitney might really have manipulated him in some way , but none of it seemed to matter . more than anything he respected courage and integrity and loyalty , all of which lily had in abundance . not wanting to startle her , ryland eased his way close . `` lily , '' he said her name softly , tenderly , with a blend of heat and smoke . lily 's gasp was audible . she buried her face in the pillow , turning away from him , humiliated to be caught in such a vulnerable moment . `` what are you doing here , ryland ? arly told me you were gone , that you had gone to check on jeff . '' he heard it in spite of the sound being muffled by the pillow . `` lily , you were n't worried about me , were you ? you ca n't be crying because you were afraid for me . '' the idea alarmed and pleased him at the same time . he reached for the bedside lamp . she caught his wrist to stop him . ryland stood for a moment hesitating , unsure how to handle her mood . he brushed the velvet flower petals along her tear-wet cheek before laying the rose carefully on the pillow beside her . lily shivered with awareness , turned her head to look at the rose , then shifted her gaze to his face . there was so much sorrow in her blue eyes it beat at him , weakened him . `` i 'm so sorry about your father , lily , i know how much he meant to you . '' he sat on the edge of her bed , carefully removed his shoes , and then dropped his shirt on the floor beside the bed . very slowly , so as not to alarm her , he stretched his length out beside her . with infinite gentleness he pulled her into his arms . `` let me hold you , honey , just comfort you . that 's all i want to do right now . i never want you to cry like this again . '' lily burrowed close to him , buried her face against his broad chest , her body relaxing into the shelter of his . she put her mouth against his ear , her breath warm on his skin . `` it is n't my father , ryland . something in her voice warned him . everything male and warrior deep inside him went still . he inhaled sharply and smelled ... blood . his hands tightened possessively . lily clung to him . `` i was in my father 's office , looking around , and i found a small voice-activated recorder . someone came in and hit me hard . i fell backward and they nailed me again as i was going down . they took the recorder . '' he stiffened , a tremor running through his body . rage was swift , volcanic . he swore very softly beneath his breath . `` i 'm going to light a candle and look at you . how bad were you hurt and where the hell were those idiot security guards ? '' he hissed the question at her . when she did n't answer , ryland reached around her to find the matches on her nightstand . the flare was small , a soft hissing as he lit the aromatic candle . he dropped the match in the holder and caught her chin firmly in his hand , turning her face this way and that inspecting the damage . his gut tightened ; something very dangerous welling up deep inside him roared for release . `` damn it , lily , did you see who did this ? '' `` i was just turning when he hit me . i had a brief impression of him and then i was on the floor . '' she traced his frown with the pad of her finger . `` i 'm fine , a little stiff , but i 'll live . '' his hands moved over her head . he felt a large bump near her temple and she winced when the pads of his fingers gently examined her . a dark , predatory expression crossed his face , shimmered in the depths of his eyes , a menacing threat that caused her to shiver . at once he leaned forward to brush her temple and cheek with the warmth of his mouth . `` you were supposed to have guards at donovans . where the hell were those useless guards ? where were they when all this was happening ? why were n't they watching over you ? i should never have allowed you to go back there . damn it , i 'm a military officer , and i let a civilian go unprotected into a dangerous situation . '' he let her go-lily-and she was hurt .	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she fell into bed , pulled the sheets over her head , trying to shut out the world . she 'd been so gullible , so trusting and naive . will was her best friend 's brother and not once did she suspect that he 'd ever do anything this underhanded or deceitful-especially to her . the fact that he 'd lied was bad enough , but that he 'd preyed on her heart was nothing short of cruel . he 'd lured her to new orleans , paid for the flight and planned an erotic , exotic weekend for the two of them . she wondered what he 'd intended to do once she learned he was n't divorcing his wife . apparently he 'd assumed he could keep her dangling like this indefinitely . and he probably could have , except for a chance remark of his sister 's . so she was stupid , too ... because it was now abundantly clear that will had no intention of leaving his wife , especially for her . with her high school crush on him , grace had been a willing victim . even though she was dizzy and sick to her stomach , grace turned on her computer and blocked will 's name and e-mail address . never again would he be able to contact her online . anything he sent her would be automatically returned . midmorning , grace fell into a fitful sleep . she woke in the afternoon , and found buttercup lying on the bedroom floor . `` do you have a broken heart , too ? '' buttercup did n't respond , did n't even wag her tail . grace walked over to her , crouched down beside her , and immediately realized something was terribly wrong . stroking the dog 's head , she grabbed the phone and called the vet . `` i do n't know what 's the matter with her , '' she told the receptionist . `` but please get me in as soon as possible . '' luckily there was an appointment available that afternoon . grace dressed in sloppy jeans , ran a brush through her hair and loaded buttercup in the car , then drove to the animal clinic as fast as she dared . weeks earlier , cliff had mentioned that there might be a problem with buttercup 's health . why had n't she paid more attention ? why had she ignored what was right before her eyes ? the answer was too painful to examine . grace knew why . she 'd neglected her dog because of will . while grace sat in the waiting area , she felt sick with guilt . she 'd let her friend down . the door to the clinic opened and , to her dismay , in walked cliff harding . tall , dark , ruggedly good-looking , he seemed to energize the compact waiting area . a woman with a large cat on a leash sat up straighter and smiled enticingly . an older man with a terrier grinned and exchanged a few remarks . grace shrank as far as she could into the corner and prayed he had n't seen her . looking as bad as she did , maybe he would n't recognize her . the receptionist perked up . cliff was obviously a favorite . `` the medication you ordered is in . '' `` that 's what i 'm here for , '' he said , sauntering to the counter . he good-naturedly teased the girl , who blushed with pleasure . one of the assistants from the back must have heard cliff 's voice , because she made an excuse to slip out front . she was about grace 's age and flirted openly with him . grace lowered her head and pretended to read a magazine . from the corner of her eye , she watched as cliff paid for the worming medication he needed for his horses and turned to leave . while he might not have recognized her , he did n't have any problem remembering buttercup . he shoved his wallet in his back pocket and for a moment she thought he might do them both a favor and walk away . no , that would 've been entirely too easy . instead he walked across the room and stood directly in front of her . she put down the magazine as if noticing him for the first time . `` oh-hello , cliff . '' `` how 's buttercup ? '' bending down on one knee , he gently placed his hand beneath the golden retriever 's jaw and looked into her eyes . `` what does doc newman say ? '' `` i have n't been in to see her yet . '' a frown darkened his face . `` this is your first visit ? '' he did n't need to say anything more ; she read the censure in his eyes , felt the reprimand . she wanted to defend herself-but she could n't . after a moment , he stood and stared down at her . `` i hope you are n't too late . '' he touched the brim of his hat in farewell and strode out the door . twenty-three it 'd been three weeks since maryellen had seen jon , other than in passing .	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but if forced to choose , i must stand beside my love . i choose daniel and will choose him forevermore . '' then luce remembered the hardest thing she 'd ever had to do . she turned to lucifer , her first love . without being honest with him , none of this would count . `` you showed me the power of love , and for that i will always be grateful . but love ranks a distant third for you , far behind your pride and rage . you have begun a fight you can never win . '' `` i am doing all of this for you ! '' lucifer shouted . it was his first great lie , the universe 's first great lie . arm in arm with daniel in the center of the meadow , lucinda had made the only possible choice . her fear paled in comparison to her love . but she never could have anticipated the curse . luce remembered now that the punishment had come from both sides . that was what had made the curse so binding : both the throne and lucifer-out of jealousy or spite or a loveless view of justice-had sealed daniel and lucinda 's fate for many thousands of years . in the silence of the meadow , a strange thing happened : another daniel soared up next to lucinda and daniel . he was an anachronism-the daniel she had met at shoreline , the angel luce price knew and loved . `` i come here to beg clemency , '' daniel 's twinning spoke . `` if we must be punished-and , my master , i do not question your decision-please at least remember that one of the great features of your power is your mercy , which is mysterious and large and humbles us all . '' at the time lucinda had not understood this-but in luce 's memory , finally , everything made sense . he had given luce the gift of a loophole in the curse , so that someday in the distant future , she could liberate their love . the last thing she remembered was clutching daniel tightly when the cloudsoil boiled black . the ground dropped out from under them and the angels began their fugue , their fall . daniel had slipped from her reach . her body had fixed into immobility . she lost all memory . she lost herself . when luce opened her eyes , night had fallen . the air was so cool her arms were trembling . the others huddled around her , so quietly she could hear crickets whistling in the grass . she did n't want to look at anyone . `` it was because of me , '' she said . `` all this time i thought they were punishing you , daniel , but the punishment was for me . '' `` am i the reason lucifer revolted ? '' `` no , luce . '' cam gave her a sad smile . `` maybe you were the inspiration , but inspiration is an excuse for doing something you already want to do . lucifer was looking for an entrance into evil . he would have found another way . '' `` but i betrayed him . '' `` he betrayed you . he betrayed all of us . '' `` without his rebellion , would we have fallen in love ? '' `` i like to think we would have found a way . now , finally , we have a chance to put all of this behind us . we have a chance to stop lucifer , to break the curse and love each other the way we always wanted . we can make all these years of suffering worthwhile . '' `` look , '' steven said , pointing at the sky . the stars were out in droves . one , far in the distance , was particularly bright . it flickered , then seemed to go out altogether before returning even brighter than before . `` yes , '' francesca said . it looks just like the old texts say it would . '' `` it was just '' -luce furrowed her brow , squinting- `` i can only see it when i- '' `` concentrate , '' cam ordered . `` what 's happening to it ? '' `` it is coming into being in this world , '' daniel said . `` it was n't the physical transit from heaven to earth that took nine days . it was the shift from a heavenly realm to an earthly one . when we landed here , our bodies were ... different . we became different . that took time . '' `` now time is taking us , '' roland said , looking at the golden pocket watch that dee must have given him before she died . `` then it is time for us to go , '' daniel said to luce . `` yes , we must soar up to meet them . we will fly right up to the limits of the fall , and then you- '' `` i have to stop him ? '' she closed her eyes , thought back to the way lucifer had looked at her in the meadow . he looked like he wanted to crush every speck of tenderness there was . `` i told you she would say that ! '' arriane whooped .	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this memory , too , has stayed with me , and in the car , i feel an age-old shame . ruth , my dream , knows what i am feeling . when she speaks , it is with a new tenderness . `` but if it was really over , i wanted to understand the reason , so the next day , i went to the drugstore across from your shop and ordered a chocolate soda . i sat next to the window and watched you as you worked . i know you saw me , but you did not come over . so i went back the next day and the day after that , and only then did you finally cross the street to see me . '' `` my mother made me go , '' i admit . `` she told me that you deserved an explanation . '' `` that is what you have always said . but i think you also wanted to come , because you missed me . and because you knew that only i could help you heal . '' i close my eyes at her words . she is right , of course , right about all of it . ruth always did know me better than i knew myself . `` i took a seat across from you , '' i say . `` and then , a moment later , a chocolate soda arrived for me . '' `` you were so skinny . i thought you needed my help to get fat again . like you were when we met . '' `` i was never fat , '' i protest . `` i barely made weight when i joined the army . '' `` yes , but when you got back , you were all bones . your suit hung from your frame like it was two sizes too big . i thought you would blow away as you crossed the street , and it made me wonder whether you would ever be yourself again . i was not sure you would ever again be the man i once loved . '' `` and yet you still gave me a chance . '' `` i had no choice , '' she says , her eyes glittering . `` by then , david epstein was married . '' i laugh despite myself , and my body spasms , neurons blazing , nausea coming at me . i breathe through gritted teeth and gradually feel the wave begin to recede . ruth waits for my breathing to steady before going on . `` i admit that i was frightened about this . i wanted things between us to be the way they had been before , so i simply pretended that nothing had changed . i chattered about college and my friends and how much i had studied , and that my parents had surprised me by showing up at my graduation . i talked about my work as a substitute teacher at a school around the corner from the synagogue , but also mentioned that i was interviewing for a full-time position that fall at a rural elementary school on the outskirts of town . i told you also that my father was meeting with the dean of the art history department at duke for the third time , and that my parents might have to move to durham . and then i wondered aloud whether i would have to give up my new job and move to durham , too . '' `` and i suddenly knew i did n't want you to go . '' `` that is why i said it . '' `` i wanted to see your expression , and for just an instant , the old ira was back . and then i was no longer frightened that you were gone forever . '' `` but you did n't ask me to walk you home . '' `` you were not ready . there was still too much anger inside you . that is why i suggested that we meet once a week for chocolate sodas , just like we used to . you needed time , and i was willing to wait . '' by the end of february , i had begun to wonder whether you would ever kiss me again . '' `` i wanted to , '' i say . `` every time i was with you , i wanted to kiss you . '' `` i knew that , too , and that was why it was so confusing to me . i could not understand what was wrong . i could not understand what was holding you back , why you did not trust me . you should have known that i would love you no matter what . '' `` i did know , '' i say . `` and that was why i could n't tell you . '' i did eventually tell her , of course , on a cold evening in early march . i had called her at home , asking her to meet me in the park , where we had strolled together a hundred times . at the time , i was n't planning to tell her . instead , i convinced myself that i simply needed a friend to talk to , as the atmosphere at home had become oppressive . my father had done well financially during the war , and as soon as it was over , he went back into business as a haberdasher . gone were the sewing machines ; in their place were racks of suits , and to someone walking past the shop , it probably looked the same as it did before the war . but inside , it was different . my father was different .	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i almost felt lightheaded from the insane rush i had gotten from the small amount of contact we 'd just had . mckee looked very displeased , but he tried to play it off , speaking in a joking tone . `` i leave you alone for one period and another guy has his arms around you . ca n't take you anywhere . he smiled at me , but it seemed somewhat forced . the annoying bell rang , saying it was time to go into the gym in my workout gear . we were going to be playing basketball , using only half of the court . i had played basketball a lot , but never in america . the guys were on the other half of the court , which was not exactly a confidence boost . i suddenly felt very gaudy and awkward . mckee walked out with his shirt off , exposing his muscled up six pack . a few girls gasped in obvious delight . i would have , too , before i became completely enthralled by tallis . i had n't thought much about mckee in that way since i straddled tallis in economics . my thoughts about mckee were completely platonic now . all of my desire was focused solely on the dark-haired beauty with captivating eyes . i looked around , trying not to be obvious , but i did n't see tallis anywhere . i was sure he said he had gym , too . i huffed , almost disappointed , as i shifted my eyes from side to side in an effort to find his face . suddenly , i felt heat from behind me . i felt chills run up my back as i felt someone 's breath close to me . i turned around , nearly bumping into tallis , who was shirtless as well . my mouth rocked open in an unhinged disaster . close your mouth , girl . `` looking for someone , aria ? '' his tone was knowing and haughty , but not offensive . i felt like a dissolving fool . he smiled in a cocky manner to let me know he obviously knew i was looking for him . then he walked on , staring directly into my eyes again as he passed . i watched him - of course . his sleek abs were defined , but not bulky . every line of muscles were mouthwatering . he had a tattoo on the side of his arm , almost at the top of his shoulder . it seemed to be tribal . what was with all these high school boys having tattoos ? i could n't stop staring at him and thinking about how incredible his touch felt . but , i finally forced myself to at least look more like i was watching idly instead of shamelessly gaping . tallis shot the ball from the three-point line and knocked it in time after time . another guy shot the ball and it bounced off the rim . then a different guy rebounded it and threw it hard to a guy near the half-court line . he threw it too hard though , and the guy missed it . you 're supposed to run , duck , or scream when something is heading toward your face with ferocious speed , but i froze as the basketball barreled toward me . i closed my eyes and braced for impact while holding my breath . i heard the ball hit something , but not my face . when i opened my eyes , tallis was lowering the ball . it was almost painful to release my held breath and take in a new one . `` that 's the second time i 've saved you today . any idea as to how you 're going to start paying me back for all my heroics ? '' he teased , and then let out a playful laugh . he flashed a menacing grin and jogged backwards for a moment , still staring at me . when he finally turned around and sprinted to the huddle where the other guys had congregated , i let out the next held breath . i did n't even realize i was holding it that time . i had been stifling an embarrassed grin the entire time , biting my lip . i could see mckee swapping his disapproving glare between me and tallis . i was n't sure what mckee 's problem was . he 'd known me for one day and thought he had rights to me ? i remember wishing taryn was n't mckee 's girlfriend , and now i was wishing she had been . i still liked mckee as a friend , but there was something majestic about the way tallis made me feel . i noticed things were getting intense on the boys side of the court . everyone else had started noticing , too , including the other girls . we stopped playing - even though i never touched the ball - and started watching . mckee and tallis seemed to have forgotten they were playing on teams . i 'm not sure how , but it had become a game of one-on-one . tallis just grinned , taunting mckee , who looked incredibly frustrated . tallis dribbled the ball between mckee 's legs and scored on a lay-up . mckee was n't smiling like tallis was . he was more intense , focused , like he was trying to prove something .	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suzan remarked , making my day worse . christopher had his lovely blue eyes fixed on my face , obviously bewildered by my reaction . shes just too much addicted to caffeine , im afraid . shell be fine after i get her a large cup of strong coffee . i shot him a withering look and he stood up and came to me , leaned over me and lifted my chin . i did not look at him as he kissed my lips . he chuckled when he found them still and frozen under his . then he sighed and made his way to the kitchen . as soon as he had disappeared into the house , i turned anxiously to suzan . ive just come back you see , but christopher heard my car and asked me in . i could not think of an excuse to avoid him . she looked at the open glass door before she went on in a lower voice . im dying to hear what this is all about . her face looked too innocent to make me believe her , but i took my chances . i told her about my plan as concisely as possible . all i need you to do is arrange a meeting with plato . she looked thoughtful for a few minutes . i dont know emma if christopher does not approve dont tell me you are afraid of him . well , you havent seen him angry , have you ? i recalled christophers face when he was ready to attack colin . i had some idea of what she meant . anyway , let me think about it , buti cant promise you anything . you cant even be sure plato will be willing for another meeting , in the first place . christopher walked through the open glass door carrying a tray with breakfast before susan was able to respond . he is so accommodating because he feels guilty , i thought , convinced that he had got to susan first in order to prepossess her in his favor . he and suzan enjoyed their breakfast , chatting in a carefree manner , but i retained my silent and frowned countenance , pretending not to notice christophers fleeting glances . soon susan asked to be excused , saying she needed a good sleep and advising me to do the same . it was only the two of us in the porch now . christopher stared at me . emma , why do you have to be so surly today ? you look really angry to me . come and sit with me then . he challenged me in the soft , unbelievably inviting voice i heard every night among his kisses and cuddles . he was totally aware of how irresistible he could be . i decided it was hopeless to keep the long face any longer , as it would only make us waste time . each second we shared was irreplaceable . well , what have i done this time ? i just had a bad dream and i didnt see you next to me when i woke up thats all . what can i do to make you feel better ? coffee helped a lot . shall i try something more drastic ? he said , his irresistible voice was like music to my ears . he came closer and put his arms around me . he kissed my lips softly . im sorry youre having nightmares . and i promise to be next to you every morning from now on . every morning ? i was aware of his limited definition of the word every in our situation . he kissed me again , changing the subject , do you want to talk to me about your dream ? will it make you feel better ? i said , hiding my face in his chest as he squeezed me softly against it . chapter 8 pain we never shall have anymore time we have , and we have always had , all the time there is . thomas a. bennet for the next six days , which added in my list of best days in my life , we retained the carefree lovers faade . superficially , there was no sign to foreshadow the disaster that was about to break out , but we both knew that the clock was ticking and sooner or later we would have to face harsh reality . we spent each day with tom and suzan , lying on the beach in the morning and hanging out in beach clubs at nights . i was staying at christophers house and i shared every single moment with him , which was enough to make me experience total bliss . yet , he was determined not to let me alone with tom and susan , so i had only managed to get a nothing yet from her , which was not hopeful at all for my plans to meet plato . i thought i was prepared for what was about to happen , but i could have never imagined how soon my nightmare was about to come true . on friday morning , just after breakfast , christopher asked me to walk with him to the beach . i had apprehended that something was wrong , as he had not been himself that morning . he seemed unusually silent and too absorbed in his thoughts during breakfast . i had tried to ignore his clouded brow , which could only foreshadow what i did not want to hear but , inevitably , his attitude had made me jumpy .	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julia bit her lower lip and a sigh trembled through her . `` that disappoints you ? '' `` i 'm not beautiful , alek . judging by the way jerry and my assistant are constantly fussing over me , i must look awful . '' emotion produced a second quivering sigh . `` i 've missed you so much , '' she admitted . `` i wanted to tell you about the baby right away ... . i learned i was pregnant the afternoon you moved out . i came home from the doctor 's office to find you packing . '' `` and you did n't tell me then ? '' `` would it have changed anything if i had told you ? '' `` yes , '' he answered , then lowered his gaze . `` i 'd hurt you and was hurting so badly myself . if i 'd told you about junior then , i was afraid it might sound like blackmail . '' `` you realize now that i would never betray you ? '' `` i knew it then , i always knew it ... in my heart . i just did a poor job of showing you . i could n't get past my own fears . '' a tear ran from the corner of her eye . `` no words can ever express how sorry i am for the pain i caused you . when we got married , i did n't expect to fall in love with you . i 'd steeled myself against it . i 'd been in love once before and , as you know , the experience cost me and others dearly . `` a green-card marriage seemed workable . i was determined not to involve my heart , but day after day you treated me with love and affection , chipping away at my defenses no matter how much i fortified them . `` when ruth died ... i do n't think i would 've survived that time without you . your comfort and love meant the world to me . i 'll always treasure our day at the beach . '' she stopped to catch her breath and to keep her voice from cracking . `` this much is a fact-i love you , alek , and i 'm deeply sorry for the pain i caused you . tears fell unheeded from her eyes . she noticed he did n't call her my love the way he so often had in the past . covering her face with her hands , she wiped away the moisture , expelled a sigh and forced herself to smile . `` i know it 's a lot to ask , but could you ever find it in your heart to forgive me for contacting roger ? '' `` if you can forgive me for letting my pride stand in the way . '' `` your pride ? oh , alek , i trampled over it a hundred times , and still you loved me . i did n't know how to deal with love and i made so many mistakes . '' `` i made my own mistakes . '' `` i asked anna about you countless times , but she refuses to talk about you . i do n't think she 's forgiven me for hurting you . '' `` ah , my sister , '' alek said slowly . `` she played the same game with me . i asked her about you so often , she finally told me that if i was so curious , i should go ask you myself . '' neither of us had any business putting her in the middle , pumping her for information about the other . '' but i still do n't like it that you did n't tell me about our baby . '' julia thought her heart would melt at the tender way he said baby . alek was going to be a wonderful father . she had n't gone into this marriage with any great expectations ; she had n't thought she 'd be married long , despite her undeniable attraction to him . falling in love with alek had come as a delightful surprise . his gentleness , his patience , his comfort had seen her through that bleak time surrounding ruth 's final days and the dark weeks that followed . without him , she would have become lost and tormented . how wise of ruth to recognize the type of man alek was . to recognize that he would become her compass , guiding her toward happiness . `` i would 've eventually found a way of getting in touch with you , '' julia said . `` soon , too ... . i do n't know how much longer i would 've been able to keep this baby to myself . '' she stopped talking , realizing alek had come to her because he 'd learned of her condition . slowly she raised her eyes to his . `` who told you i was pregnant ? '' if jerry had known where alek was all this time , she 'd have a few words to say to him . `` all right , if you must know , a private detective told me . '' `` you hired a detective to- '' `` no , jerry was the one who did the hiring . a man named peck . your brother thought it was my right to know about the baby . 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i thought i did butive just now realized that i dont really know anything about you , issy . i dont even know what your true hair and eye color are . tristan raised a hand to flag down a cab , which screeched to a stop in front of tristan . goodbye issy . tristan said before he opened the passenger door , got inside of the cab , and closed the door behind him . issy clenched her fists in irriration and tried to kick the car as it sped away from her . tristan hadnt even looked back at her once . good riddance , jerk ! but as issy watched the cab speed away , her heart was breaking inside of her chest . shed broken one of the most important shadow stalker rules . shed hurt tristan . issy sunk to her knees and put her face in her hands as she began to cry . several minutes later , after shed expelled all of her tears , issy stood up and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand . in a daze , she made her way back towards the competition venue and to her bike . she spotted her bike and standing next to it was the patissier ambrose rune . issy ignored him as she began to grab her bike . wow , i do believe this is the first time a beautiful lady has ignored me . ambrose said ruefully before sidling up to issy . here , i have your check . your half is one hundred thousand dollars . ambrose handed issy the envelope . she took it , opened the envelope , and looked at the check . one-hundred thousand dollars . she felt like ripping the check in two . she even gripped the edges of the check as she considered doing it . tristans harsh words rang through her head , infuriating her . sure , she wasnt a virgin . but she most definitely wasnt a slut ! shed only had sex with tre one time too ! and it hadnt even been all that memorable ! ambrose watched issy curiously as she debated on whether or not to rip the check in two . ah , its a real shame i losti was going to use the money to open a bakery in san francisco . issys ear twitched . i also used to want to open a bakery there . maybe one with a view of the ocean . like on the boardwalk or something . why dont you go back and open one now ? i issy was about to say i cant , butshe realized in that moment that she had nothing keeping her in new york city anymore . shed broken the shadow stalker rules and had hurt tristan . she couldnt stalk him anymorecouldnt stay by his side anymore . issy didnt want to hurt him anymore , so she had to get away from himfar awayto resist the urge to stalk him . what better way than to move back to california , and open her dream bakery ! tristan didnt even want her around anyways , and he also thought she was a slut . thats actually a really good idea , ambrose . ambrose blinked back at issy in surprise before he grinned . are you hiring an assistant patissier ? because ill give you my resume , if so . issy gave ambrose an intrigued look . youd be interested in working for me ? i thought you wanted to open your own bakery ? ambrose shrugged in a lackadaisical manner . as long as i get to bake and get to share my creations with the ladies - i dont really care where i bake . you remind me of tristanmaking chocolates to attract women . issy commented ruefully , almost wistfully . should i be baking pastry treats in order to attract men then ? ambrose asked teasingly . issy blushed scarlet at the very idea . ambrose chuckled . a girl like you deserves someone who appreciates her by her side . i was very impressed with your fondant making skills . and ive heard good things about your cupcakes . i cant wait to try one for myself . he casually slung his arm around issys shoulders . but issy shrugged his arm off . im not into playboys . but i do admire your baking skills so consider yourself hired . she stuck out her hand for ambrose to shake . business partners ? ambrose took issys hand before trying to place a kiss on it . and perhaps something more ? issy snatched her hand back before the slick patissier could kiss it . in your dreams , ambrose . i guess ill be looking forward to tonight then . issy sweettheres something about her . ill have fun corrupting her and getting her to live on the wild side . issy just rolled her eyes at the patissier prince . *** tristan was dropped off in front of dark heaven . he paid the cabbie and made his way to his front door . on the door was an eviction notice . tristan removed the notice . hed call susan torres tomorrow and tell her that he had the money to pay the rent . tristan just had to go back to the competition venue tomorrow , and collect his check .	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`` no , it 's the second , but jason and i realized this year that he is n't coming back . '' and the subject of the conversation changed . i was pretty sure i knew how jason 's mother felt about me , but it was hard listening to her say it out loud . everybody , including me thought this arrangement was a bad ideawell not jason and i have to admit there was a part of me that did n't either , but we would both have to keep that part under control . `` well , i really should be going , '' aunt madd said . her chair scrapped across the floor as she got up . `` i 'm so glad you were able to be with us this year . '' `` just a couple of old widowsoh now , i did n't mean it like that . you 're young , healthy , i 'm sure you 'll find somebody . '' i got out of the car and slammed the door as they started across the kitchen . we reached the backdoor at the same time . `` oh , hello , dear , '' aunt madd said . `` yes , dear , i have to get home . the ladies are coming tomorrowit 's tradition you know . '' i held the door for them . when they were at the bottom of the steps , aunt madd turned back to me . `` you and jason make a stunning couple , but do n't rush things , you have the rest of your lives to be together . i 'm sure i will see you again . `` merry christmas , '' i echoed unconsciously . i knew the spare room was available , but i did n't want to presume so i waited nervously in the kitchen for mrs. whitaker . alone in the house with the mother whose son 's life i was ruiningnot good . mrs. whitaker huffed as she came back inside . `` you can really tell its winter . '' she looked up at my obvious indifference to the cold . `` well , i 'll get the sheets changed in the guest room . '' `` no , please let me do that . it 's the least i can do , you 've been gracious enough just letting me stay here . i do n't want to put you to any more trouble . '' she smiled , one of those double meaning smiles . i 'll just fetch the sheets then . '' she returned a few minutes later and i followed her to the guest room . `` this room has a bathroom with a shower so you should be pretty much self contained down here . there 's a dresser and closeti do n't think there is anything in the dresser . '' she opened each drawer to make sure and then went over and opened the bi-fold closet doors . `` well , i think everything is ready . '' `` thank you , and i 'm sorry you feel put out . if there was any other '' `` nonsense , '' she said , but her embarrassed blush telescoped what i already knew . `` well , i know it 's a lot to ask , and i 'm grateful . '' `` i think you 'll be comfortable . '' i waited at the bedroom door as she went to the kitchen and grabbed a large manila envelope . `` i almost forgot , mrs. hall dropped this by this afternoon . '' `` cathy 's mom , what is it ? '' i said as she handed it to me . `` i 'm sure it 's your makeup worki did n't open it thoughnot my place . well , i 'll leave you to get settled in . '' `` oh , mrs. whitaker , do you know when jason will be back ? '' `` he went to 'hang out ' with some of the boys from school . he said he did n't think you 'd be back for supper . would you like me to warm you up a plate ? '' i did n't want to intrude any more than i already am , hope that was okay . '' we all just need a little time to adjust . i 'm sure everything will work out . '' i turned to take in the room as she closed the door . i 'd seen the bathroom , the dresser and of course the closet , but i had n't realized there was a patio set beyond a short half wall . it actually doubled the size of the room . beyond the patio set , the wall was lined with drapery . i pushed back the drapes to see which direction the room was facing and discovered a sliding glass door . across a short strip of lawn , the woods , beyond that , the creek . this was better than i could have hoped for . with easy access to my room , i could slip out unnoticed to hunt . i unpacked and then sat down at the table to go though the packet of makeup work . chapter 13 it was after midnight when jason finally came home . i was relieved and disappointed that he went straight upstairs . honestly , it was really difficult to decide who was going to be more difficult to control , jason or me .	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she was young and pretty and joseph enjoyed a minute more of flirtation until he noticed jcs scowl . he got in and started the car , the diesel engine vibrating to life . do you think she is dead , joseph ? it is not an answer i know , joseph said , putting the jeep in gear . but if you want the help of that chief you must not speak like that to him . it does not help . she stared out the window , knowing he was right . hated that it might have taken angelina and wasnt ever going to give her back . how am i ever going to find her here ? i am completely useless in this place . you should see a feticheuse , he said , his voice filled with enthusiasm . i know one who is very powerful . she is good with cures and other things . she can tell you what you want to know . she can see many things that are behind you and more things that will come to you . i dont think a fortune teller is going to find my sister . no , for that we need a sorcerer but he is more expensive and i do not like him . you must go on your own if you wish it , or i will get my cousin sean-luc to take you . he does not mind the sorcerer because now he has no more problems with his uncle that would steal his wife . the sorcerer has put a powerful magic on his dick . but a feticheuse is better for the money , you must believe me . she stared at him , one eyebrow raised , not sure he was being serious and realizing he was . the feticheuse has helped me many times with problems of family . after her continued silence he said , ukiona vyaelea vimeundwa . in english , when you see it float , somebody made it . its all clear to me now , she hissed , her voice dripping sarcasm joseph had no trouble picking up on . it means one has to work for what one wishes . to find your sister you must work to understand . im having trouble understanding you and you speak english . the jungle is not kind to strangers , it is true . but angelina is not a stranger to it . she knows its dangers like she knows the names of all the birds . i never understand how she can like such a bad place and i warn her but she does not hear . she laugh at me when i say she must not walk in the jungle . if she must be there , then she must run . if you know something about my sisters disappearance just tell me and stop with the riddles . what i say is that if she is alive in that jungle she can survive until they find her . you must maybe let mr. anderson know that he must not stop looking for her . this is more helpful . when they no longer try to find her , she will die for sure . and how am i going to do that ? you must bring him proof that she is alive . a feticheuse can give you this proof . she will know this thing and then you can tell mr. anderson . joseph , if i dont believe it , how will kevin believe it ? finally , he said , this is the problem with white people . they have little imagination . he shook his head at the dilemma , then shrugged and continued , so you must find something else that white people know as truth . how life here is . you do not know the way of the congo . you do not know the way of the camps . that is no good if you want to find your sister . he made a u-turn , hit a huge pothole , then drove back a mile before turning onto a dirt road heading out of town . to the camp . if you want to skin a banana , you must first find the banana tree . five the road to the banana tree had not been repaired in months . the volcanoes of virunga stood clear against the sky on the right , old overgrown banana plantations on the left . maybe they really were headed for a banana tree , she thought , staring out her window . they slowed to twenty miles an hour , stuck behind a truck that raised clouds of dust from the dirt road . joseph drove close to the trucks bumper , so she quickly rolled up the window . the air conditioner was broken so they sat sweating and bumping down the road . she grabbed a piece of cardboard from the dashboard and fanned herself , finding some relief . feeling sick and frustrated , she wiped the sweat from her face with the back of her hand . she would get used to the heat eventually , she thought , and only hoped she would not be in africa that long . she had already wasted a week . she had planned to be away from work a couple of weeks , but nothing was going according to plan . she hated the lack of control . a convoy of trucks passed on the opposite side of the road and joseph pulled out to pass . whats with all the trucks ?	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he took the pistol from the bag he 'd been using for a pillow , rose , and followed , matching the rhythm of his movements to theirs . the moon had set , but he could see them by starlight , twenty yards ahead : fraser a looming mass against the paler ground , quinn so close beside him that he thought fraser might be grasping the irishman by the arm , pulling him along . they went around the ruined tower and essentially disappeared , no longer visible against the dark bulk of its stone . he stood still , not breathing , until he heard them again . fraser 's voice came clearly to him , soft but with the anger clear in it . `` what the devil d 'ye mean by this ? '' grey noted with interest that quinn did n't sound frightened-merely persuasive . `` you do n't need him , mo chara . '' `` there are a good many folk in the world i do n't need , including you , ye wee gomerel . if i thought it right to kill them on that account , i 'd have done awa ' wi ' you before we left london . '' grey blinked at that and felt a cold finger down his back . so quinn had been in touch with jamie in london ? had jamie sought him out ? what had fraser told him-and why had he joined their company ? and why had fraser not told grey that he knew quinn before ? he swallowed bile and moved a little closer , fingering the pistol . it was loaded but not primed , because of the damp . `` if he 's dead , ye could disappear , mac dubh . ye 're safe out of england now ; i 've more than one place in ireland where ye could lie hidden for a bit , or ye could go across to france should ye feel the need-but who would hunt ye ? '' `` that man 's brother , for one , '' fraser said coldly . `` ye 've not had the benefit of meeting his grace the duke of pardloe , but i 'd sooner be hunted by the fiend himself . did it never occur to you to ask if i thought it a good idea to kill the englishman ? '' `` thought i 'd save ye the trouble , mac dubh . '' quinn sounded amused , damn him ! `` dinna be calling me mac dubh . '' `` i know ye 've a tender conscience , so ye have . another minute and i 'd have had him taken care of and tucked away safe down the well . ye 'd have no call to worry yourself . '' did ye mean to tell me , or just give it out that he 'd changed his mind and gone off on foot ? '' `` oh , i 'd have told you , sure . what d 'ye take me for , mac dubh ? '' there was a moment of marked silence . `` what d 'ye owe him ? '' quinn demanded , breaking it . `` him or his brother ? the swarthy-johns have imprisoned ye , enslaved ye ! taken your land , killed your kin and your comrades- '' `` after saving my life , aye . '' fraser 's voice had grown dry ; he was losing the edge of his anger , grey thought , and wondered whether that was a good thing . he was n't really concerned that quinn would talk fraser round ; he knew fraser 's innate stubbornness much too well . he was a trifle worried that fraser might not talk the irishman round , though-he did n't fancy lying sleepless night after night , expecting a knife in the back or his throat cut at any moment . he felt in the pocket of his coat for the small brass powder horn he carried ... just in case . fraser gave a deep , exasperated sigh . `` look ye , '' he said , in a low , firm voice . `` i 've given my word in this . if ye dare to dishonor me by killing the englishman , i tell ye flat , quinn-it 'll be you joining him at the bottom of a well . '' well , that was some relief . fraser might or might not want him dead-certainly he had , at various points of their acquaintance with each other-but he was n't willing to have him assassinated . grey supposed he should be affronted by the implication that it was only fraser 's fear of dishonor or hal that was keeping grey alive , but under the circumstances ... quinn muttered something sulky that grey did n't catch , but his submission was clear . grey did n't let go of the powder horn but did n't take it out of his pocket , either ; his thumb rubbed back and forth , restless on the line of engraving round the rim . acta non verba , it said : action , not words . the breeze had changed direction , and he could no longer hear clearly . mumbling , disconnected words , and he edged a little closer , pressing near the dank stones of the wall .	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she felt nakd , vulnerable , more revealed than she 'd ever been before . even so , she continued to stare into his eyes as her orgasm went on and on . when the last ripple of sensation finally faded , she collapsed against kevin 's chest , burying her face in the crook of his neck . she was raw , emotionally drained , and strangely shy after the intense emotional connection they had just shared . she 'd known it was more than sex between them , but she had been woefully unprepared for the emotions surging through her at such an alarming rate . what would she do if she fell in love with him ? chapter eight she was n't answering . he clicked the disconnect button gently , stared at the phone for a few long seconds . then threw it against the wall so hard it shattered . why now when he was so close to making all of his plans a reality was she shutting him out ? he strode to the bar and grabbed a bottle of seventy-year-old scotch . without bothering with a glass , he unscrewed the top and took a long swig from the bottle . than another and another . fire raced down his esophagus to his stomach , fire that for a minute burned away the cold that had lately taken up permanent residence there . but he could n't take too much , could n't afford to be drunk when he went back to work . he would n't need the stupid job much longer but for now it suited his plans very nicely and he did n't want to do anything to rock the boat . to call attention to himself when he 'd made blending in an art form . he climbed the stairs and walked down the hall to the back bedroom , the one with the window that looked straight into serena 's kitchen . he 'd been watching since last night and she had n't returned . no lights had gone on in her condo . no signs of life to say she was back , tucked into bed like a good girl . what was she doing right now that was so important she could n't answer his calls ? she knew how angry it made him when she was n't available to him . had she seriously gone running out to that bayou , out to that gutter rat with his callused hands and dirty clothes ? he could n't imagine serena actually letting him touch her-she was n't the type to let some filthy laborer get his hands on her . but the man would have to die anyway . for his thoughts alone . no man , no one , could be alone with serena and not want her . not think about taking off her clothes and licking her delicious body from top to bottom . he should know-he 'd done nothing but think about that body for ten long years and plan every single thing he would do to it . serena was his . and any man who thought otherwise was asking for a death sentence . he reached into the drawer of the desk that sat beneath the window . pulled out his father 's gun . ran loving fingers over it . cupped its cool smoothness against his cheek . a death sentence he would be only too happy to provide . he hardened to the point of pain . unzipping his pants with his free hand , he stroked his dick while he imagined what it would be like to stick it into her . to slam into her-over and over again-while he used his teeth on her nples . would they be the same bright red as her sister 's , he wondered as he moved his hand harder and faster . or would they be unique-like serena herself . a pale pink , a dusky rose , a muted brown ? he squeezed harder and nearly came-the pleasure-pain almost more than he could bear . would she like the combination as much as he did-the pricks of pain that made the pleasure only more intense ? she would like it , he determined , because who could be better for her-to her-than he could ? he would be in her , on her , in every way imaginable . and she would scream for more . `` fuuuuuuuck ... '' he came on a tidal wave of pleasure so intense he nearly passed out , so incredibly , unbelievably , fking good that it overwhelmed and buried-just for a few seconds-the pain slowly winding its way through his head . that 's when it came to him , in that funny afterglow of pleasure after a particularly intense orgasm . if he had serena he could fk her all the time , over and over and over until the pain went away for good . * * they lay together a long time , her head pillowed on his chest , his right leg wrapped around her-anchoring her in place . one of kevin 's hands gently stroked her hair as the other wound itself around her waist . she breathed deeply , savoring the smell and feel that was uniquely kevin . but soon touching was n't enough and serena 's tongue darted out , caressing his nipple before she could stop herself .	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["look", 1616], ["looked", 1616], ["straight", 1625], ["serena", 1637], ["kitchen", 1648], ["kitchens", 1648], ["watch", 1670], ["watching", 1670], ["since", 1676], ["night", 1687], ["return", 1712], ["returnest", 1712], ["returned", 1712], ["lit", 1724], ["light", 1724], ["lights", 1724], ["go", 1733], ["goest", 1733], ["gone", 1733], ["condo", 1749], ["condos", 1749], ["sign", 1760], ["signs", 1760], ["life", 1768], ["lifes", 1768], ["say", 1775], ["sayest", 1775], ["tuck", 1797], ["tucked", 1797], ["tucking", 1797], ["bed", 1806], ["like", 1811], ["good", 1818], ["girl", 1823], ["right", 1850], ["rightest", 1850], ["important", 1876], ["answer", 1897], ["answeres", 1897], ["answerest", 1897], ["call", 1907], ["calls", 1907], ["know", 1918], ["knowest", 1918], ["knew", 1918], ["angry", 1928], ["available", 1967], ["seriously", 1994], ["run", 2007], ["running", 2007], ["bayou", 2025], ["gutter", 2046], ["guttering", 2046], ["rat", 2050], ["ratted", 2050], ["hand", 2074], ["hands", 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["moved", 3202], ["hard", 3218], ["fast", 3229], ["unique", 3255], ["pale", 3284], ["pink", 3289], ["dusky", 3299], ["rose", 3304], ["brown", 3320], ["browns", 3320], ["squeeze", 3334], ["squeezes", 3334], ["squeezed", 3334], ["nearly", 3352], ["come", 3357], ["came", 3357], ["pleasure", 3370], ["almost", 3382], ["bore", 3406], ["bear", 3406], ["bearest", 3406], ["combination", 3439], ["prick", 3468], ["pricks", 3468], ["determine", 3553], ["determined", 3553], ["well", 3583], ["wells", 3583], ["way", 3657], ["ways", 3657], ["imaginable", 3668], ["scream", 3691], ["screams", 3691], ["tidal", 3742], ["wave", 3747], ["waved", 3747], ["pass", 3787], ["passed", 3787], ["incredibly", 3807], ["unbelievably", 3822], ["overwhelm", 3857], ["overwhelms", 3857], ["overwhelmed", 3857], ["bury", 3868], ["burying", 3868], ["buried", 3868], ["slowly", 3907], ["wind", 3915], ["winding", 3915], ["head", 3940], ["funny", 3986], ["afterglow", 3996], ["particularly", 4029], ["time", 4094], ["lay", 4170], 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she flipped through the stack , paused as she saw a series taken with her blindfolded and strapped to a bed . the lines down the middle of the picture made it abundantly clear that it had been taken from outside the half-open shutters that had decorated cole 's bedroom windows . shutters neither of them had thought to close as the room faced his high-fenced backyard . she felt violated in a way she had never before experienced . that someone had watched her during the most intimate sexual moments of her life was horrible enough ; that he had taken pictures and sent them to her boss was unthinkable . she wanted to cry , wanted to run away and never come back . but chastian was counting on that feeling , was exploiting it for all he was worth , and she would be damned if she gave him the satisfaction . making sure her voice was as tough as his skin , she demanded , `` was there a note ? '' his eyes widened , and she realized that was n't the question he 'd been expecting her to ask . maybe where did you get these ? would have been a more appropriate first question , but she already knew the answer . he had taken these pictures . he had sent them to her boss . he was taunting her , humiliating her , paying her back for sleeping with someone else when he 'd wanted her for himself . and now that she 'd been blindsided by the photos , she realized she should n't have been . of course he 'd been watching her , following her , learning her every move . his knowledge of the plays she liked gave proof that he 'd already been inside her house , had looked at her bookshelves . she 'd spent the last three days alternating between horror and fury that he 'd had the nerve to enter her house , to go through her things . even though she 'd changed the locks , she did n't feel safe in her own home . she stared down at the photos , could n't repress the shudder that rocked through her . but that-that was nothing compared to what he 'd done here . chastian 's eyes swept over her , and though she assured herself that there was nothing sexual in the look , she 'd never felt more nak*d. how was she supposed to look her boss in the eye and explain how those pictures had been taken ? `` you know he sent these , right ? '' she was proud of how hard her voice sounded , how completely invulnerable . the killer 's sick mental fingerprints are all over them . '' she started flipping through the remaining pictures , knowing that if she did n't get through them now , she never would . each one was a little more explicit than the one before it , each one a new humiliation for her to endure . the thought of them being logged into evidence , of shawn and luc and roberto seeing them , was more than she could bear . when she got to the last photo , it was all she could do not to gasp , not to drop the thing and give chastian exactly the reaction he was looking for . but she was made of sterner stuff , she reminded herself , as she stared at the altered picture of herself . whoever had developed it had let the developing fluid sit too long on it . around her body stretched on the bed , there were huge , dark puddles that looked like blood . her eyes had been gouged out , her body mutilated almost beyond recognition . she glanced up , saw chastian watching her with hungry , glazed eyes-as if he was dying for her to fall apart . refusing to give him that satisfaction , she said again in her best hard-ass voice , `` where 's the note ? '' he raised an eyebrow , but reached back in the envelope and pulled out yet another letter printed on pale blue paper . she grabbed it , read the two words with a sinking heart . could barely look chastian in the eyes as she contemplated how to handle this latest viciousness . if he was a different kind of lieutenant , she might have asked him for help . might have listened to his suggestions . might have counted on him to protect her . but chastian hated her and always had , and this was the excuse he 'd been waiting for to knock her down a peg-or five . so she simply watched him , waited . he 'd already made up his mind on how to handle this before he 'd ever called her in-and he would sure as hell tell her what he wanted to do . better to wait than to humiliate herself all over again . but when he spoke , his voice was gentler than she 'd expected . `` this guy 's fixated on you , delacroix . '' it was all she could do to keep from laughing . that seems pretty obvious at this point . '' `` what are we going to do about that fact ? '' but i figure if you 're bringing the topic up , you have a solution . '' he sat down hard on his desk chair , drummed his fingers on the desk as he watched her . i think you should take a leave of absence . 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inside , he was a mess , something he was n't willing to admit often , but catherine had driven him to the outer edges of sanity . `` what makes you think dating dan would help either of us ? i 'm downright curious . '' `` just do it , catherine , for both our sakes . '' `` no , '' she cried , `` if you want me out of your life , that 's your business , but i refuse to make it easy for you . '' a tear rolled down the side of her face , her precious sweet face , and it was all royce could do not to reach out and comfort her . he slumped back in his chair and rammed all ten fingers through his hair in an urgent effort to regain control of himself . shouting at each other was n't going to accomplish anything . neither was pretending . `` sit down , catherine , '' he instructed , motioning toward the chair . she was as stiff as plastic , eyes focused straight ahead . the evidence of that lone tear or any others had long since vanished . the fight was out of him , and he leaned back in his chair and braced his index fingers beneath his chin the way he did when he needed to think . `` you were right , '' he stated after a while . she blinked as though she was n't sure she 'd heard him correctly . `` about what would happen if we 'd made love that night . '' catherine 's eyes briefly found his . `` even if everyone in the entire office had n't guessed afterward , it would have been wrong . '' `` only because the rule book claims it is , '' she argued . her look told him the love between them was right , and always would be , no matter what the navy decreed . `` no , '' he argued , gaining conviction . that night would have only been the beginning . once we crossed the physical boundaries , there 'd be no going back for either of us . '' `` i agree , but that does n't make it wrong . '' `` we 'd live in constant fear of being discovered , of someone , anyone finding out the truth , '' he continued with conviction . `` we 'd both make an effort , but it would n't be long before we 'd be so desperate for each other that we 'd be meeting in out-of-the-way spots- '' `` we would n't , '' she cried , shaking her head in denial . `` renting cheap hotel rooms , '' he added , and cringed inwardly at the thought . catherine was too much a lady for clandestine meetings in dirty rooms . an affair would destroy the warm , generous woman he 'd come to love . an affair would destroy them both . what had started out so pure and good would become tarnished and ugly . in the end it would devastate them both . he loved her too much to put her through that kind of heartache . `` no , '' she cried a second time , `` we would n't let it go that far . '' `` do you honestly think we 'd be able to stop ? catherine had gone terribly pale , so pale that royce was tempted to take her by the hand and lead her to a chair before she collapsed . he was grateful when she chose to sit of her own accord . `` what about your transfer ? '' she asked , lifting her eyes to his . her gentle pleading was back , and it cut deep at his heart to deny her anything . if he had received the nato assignment , although it meant they 'd be separated by thousands of miles , the navy restrictions would no longer apply . `` what i heard was a rumor , '' he reminded her , `` nothing more . kelly would be able to remain with him , but the blessings were mixed ones . his life with his daughter would go on without disruption , but he was going to be forced to drive the woman he loved out of his life . `` i see , '' she murmured , her words layered with defeat . `` what happened that saturday night was entirely my fault . '' royce felt he should admit that much . `` i was so sure i was going to receive that transfer that i let matters go too far . monday morning i learned commander wayne nelson out of san diego had been given the assignment . '' `` it is n't necessary to assign blame . '' in theory royce agreed with her , but he wanted to accept the responsibility . he 'd felt so close to catherine that evening . closer than he had to anyone ever . they 'd kissed , and the sensation had struck him as powerfully as a bolt of lightning . it seemed melodramatic to compare her touch with the forces of nature , but royce could think of no other way to describe it . his skin had felt branded by her gentleness , and his heart ... his heart had swollen with a love so strong it left him weak and trembling . he 'd never desired a woman more than he had catherine that night . it was n't until later , after royce learned that the nato assignment had gone to an acquaintance of his , that he realized his mistake .	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i think it 's more true , has less of the political stuff the clave puts in to make themselves look good . so this is yours now . if you need to find this , you 'll find it . anyway , welcome . this is the codex . i always thought it was like this great tome of wisdom , but it 's more like an army field manual-how you teach someone to be a shadowhunter when you 're already being chased by demons . so i 'm not the usual reader . luckily , jace has added some notes too . he 's taking my training a little too seriously , by the way . i think it 's because everyone already thinks we 're just pretending to train and actually making out . so , he 's jace , he has to prove them wrong . hence real serious training . which is why i am writing this with an icepack on my hip , by the way . simon has appeared to announce that the codex reminds him of a dungeons and dragons manual . `` like , you know , it tells you the rules . vampires are weak to ... fire ! they bite you for 2d10 damage with their vicious fangs ! '' now he is making a bitey face at me . he kind of looks like a hamster . seriously , i love simon , but he is like the worst vampire ever . simon , you do n't have to make pretend fangs with your fingers . you have actual fangs . why do people become shadowhunters , by magnus bane this codex thing is very silly . downworlders talk about the codex like it is some great secret full of esoteric knowledge , but really it 's a boy scout manual . one thing that it mysteriously does n't address is why people become shadowhunters . and you should know that people become shadowhunters for many stupid reasons . so here is an addition to your copy . greetings , young aspiring shadowhunter-to-be-or possibly already technically a shadowhunter . i ca n't remember whether you drink from the cup first or get the book first . regardless , congratulations . you have just been recruited by the monster police . you may be wondering , why ? why of all the mundanes out there was i selected and invited to this exclusive club made up largely , at least from a historical perspective , of murderous psychopaths ? possible reasons why : 1 . you possess a stout heart , strong will , and able body . you possess a stout body , able will , and strong heart . local shadowhunters are ironically punishing you by making you join them . you were recruited by a local institute to join the nephilim as an ironic punishment for your mistreatment of downworlders . your home , village , or nation is under siege by demons . your home , village , or nation is under siege by rogue downworlders . you know too much , and should be recruited because the secrecy of the shadow world has already been compromised for you . you know too little ; it would be helpful to the shadowhunters if you knew more . you know exactly the right amount , making you a natural recruit . you possess a natural resistance to glamour magic and must be recruited to keep you quiet and provide you with some basic protection . you have a compound last name already and convinced someone important that yours is a shadowhunter family and the shadowhunteriness has just been weakened by generations of poor breeding . you had a torrid affair with a member of the nephilim council , and now he 's trying to cover his tracks . shadowhunters are concerned they are no longer haughty and condescending enough-have sought you out to add a much needed boost of haughty condescension . you have been bitten by a radioactive shadowhunter , giving you the proportional strength and speed of a shadowhunter . large bearded man on flying motorcycle appeared to take you away to shadowhunter school . ( note : presence of flying motorcycle suggests bearded man may be a vampire . ) your mom has been in hiding from your evil dad , and you found out you 're a shadowhunter only a few weeks ago . seventeen reasons . because that 's how many i thought of . now run off , little shadowhunter , and learn to murder things . and be nice to downworlders . people and places we are called nephilim or shadowhunters . we are the children of men and angels ; the angel raziel gave us our power . our primary mission is to eliminate demons , who come in a large variety of species and forms . we also seek to keep the peace among several populations of demihumans , known collectively as downworlders . these groups are werewolves , vampires , faeries , and warlocks . we preside over a treaty known as the accords that ordains how we and all of these groups may interact , as well as each group 's rights , responsibilities , and restrictions . the accords are revised and signed every fifteen years by representatives of the nephilim and all downworlder groups .	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sometimes they just threw their purses in the car and drove over-which meant my closet was their closet . '' she mashed her lips together over the aching emptiness and struggled for composure . crying all over a guy was not the way to end an intimate evening . `` if you miss them that much , why not go home ? and do n't throw the convention center crap at me . there are convention hotels in south carolina . '' first , because the people back home never forget . kelly , my oldest sister , will always be the unmarried mccauley who got knocked up . i 'll always be 'poor paige ' the one who got dumped by her high school sweetheart . that was only one small part of my life , not the sum total of it . and if you keep this up i 'm going to need oreos . '' `` the cookie ? '' his confusion was adorable . `` you ca n't have a pity party without oreo cookies , the ultimate comfort food . surely you 've had them before and understand the healing power of a chocolate , cream-filled treat ? '' but you just had chocolate cake . '' `` you 've never had an oreo ? you poor , deprived man . my sisters and i always devoured a bag when one of us had a crisis . '' `` did you have many crises ? '' `` we 're talking about a houseful of emotional women . that was the second reason i wanted out . i was miss fix-it and the family mediator . whenever something went wrong , my sisters expected me to talk them through the situation and help them make the difficult decisions . i got tired of being the scapegoat when things did n't turn out well . i wanted them to learn to handle their own problems . it was really hard , but i had to risk letting them fail . '' `` the consequences of failing could n't have been that great . '' i do n't mean to be overly dramatic , but we 're talking life-or-death decisions . when my oldest sister got pregnant she wanted me to tell her whether to keep her baby or abort . i could n't have lived with her hating me for the rest of our lives if she 'd followed my advice and then later decided that my suggestion was the wrong one . there were other , smaller issues , too , but kelly 's pregnancy was the turning point in my decision to be ... less accessible . '' `` what if they make mistakes ? '' `` they will , and i hope they 'll learn from them and that the lessons wo n't be too painful . '' enough about her . `` are you and your siblings close ? '' he picked at a lobster tail . `` what about outside the office ? '' `` we 're not a social bunch . '' `` but ... you 're family . '' `` we gather for christmas somewhere around the globe . '' she noted his lack of excitement . `` my mother chooses a location-usually some place she 's heard about or discovered during her travels . we show up . '' `` where are you going this year ? '' `` but reservations-wait , i guess if you own your airplane company you do n't need to make airline reservations . '' our pilots fly on four hours or less notice to wherever we tell them to go . '' such unbounded freedom sounded thrilling , and yet ... sad and isolated despite having the world at his fingertips . `` you live in the same city as your siblings and yet only get together for christmas ? '' `` and board meetings . now that one of my sisters is pregnant , she 's trying to force us to gather more often . '' she had to force herself to stay away . `` it 's too bad that you do n't enjoy each other 's company more . '' paige realized trent did n't get together with his family because he did n't care . she cared , but she 'd been dumb enough to willingly walk away and break or at least fray the bond . it had been for her sisters ' own good , or so she 'd told herself . but was that really the truth ? she 'd accused him of abandoning something he loved-flying and roller coasters . what she 'd done really was n't any different . the acknowledgment disturbed her . she rose and crossed to the refrigerator to get a soda . if she kept drinking wine , she was going to end up a soggy mess . she 'd already shared more than she 'd intended . when she turned around she caught trent studying her with a speculative expression . `` i was watching the way you move . it 's ... '' her muscles snapped taut . she braced herself for an insult . she 'd never been a girly girl . she left that to jessie and sammie . `` i do n't know the exact word . warmth rushed over her . `` my mother made us take gymnastics and ballet from the time we turned five until we turned sixteen . she claimed it was the only way a houseful of tomboys had a chance at being graceful . '' `` you 're a tomboy ?	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she moved her hand , setting it over his wrist , all owing him to feel the sharp point of the blade she hid in a custom-made ring . `` i do so love a good surprise . '' `` i can not say the same . '' `` of blood on my gown ? yes , '' she retorted dryly . `` ah , but then it would more aptly match the blood on your hands '' -he paused , his tongue tracing the shell of her ear , making her shiver even as her skin flushed- '' and mine . '' `` i am what you need . '' maria inhaled deeply , pressing her corset-flattened bosom against an unyielding forearm . questions sifted through her mind faster than she could col ect them . `` i have everything i require . '' as he released her , her captor all owed his fingers to drift across the bare flesh above her bodice . her skin tingled , goose-flesh spreading in his wake . `` if you find you are mistaken , '' he rasped , `` come find me . '' he stepped back and she spun in a flurry of skirts to face him . she expertly hid the true depth of her surprise . the renderings in the papers did not do him justice . pale golden hair , sun-kissed skin , and bril iant blue eyes enriched features so fine they were almost angelic . his lips , though thin , were beautiful y sculpted by a master hand . the entire sum of his countenance was so stunning , it was disarming . it made one want to trust him , something the cold intentness of his gaze told her would be a mistake . as she studied him , maria absently noted the undue attention they were attracting from the other patrons in the gal ery , but she could not spare a quel ing glance . her attention was snared by the man who stood so arrogantly assured before her . showing a leg in a courtly bow , he smiled , but it did not reach his eyes-glorious eyes that were made more poignant by the shadows that rimmed them . he was not a man who slept often or well . `` i am flattered by your recognition . '' `` what is it that i am supposed to be lacking ? '' `` perhaps whatever it is your men search for ? '' the surprise elicited by that statement could not be hidden . `` too much , '' he said smoothly , his gaze intensely searching . sensual lips curved and trapped her attention . `` and yet , not enough . together , perhaps , we could achieve our aims . '' `` and what is your aim ? '' how was it that he would approach her so soon after welton ? surely it could not be a coincidence . `` revenge , '' he said , the word rol ing off his tongue so casual y she wondered if he was as dead to emotion as she was . he would have to be to live the life of crime he did . no remorse , no regret , no conscience . `` the agency has meddled in my life one too many times . '' `` i 've no notion of what you are talking about . '' he stepped around her , leaning close as he moved by . `` i will be available , should you figure it out . '' for a moment , she refused to turn and watch him depart . but it was only a moment , and then she studied him avidly . starting with his height and breadth of shoulder , down his satin-clad form to his heeled shoes , she missed nothing . dressed as he was , he could not fade into the crowd that milled in the gal ery . his pale yel ow coat and breeches stood apart from the darker colors of the other theater patrons . she fancied him as a god of the sun , a shining overpowering presence . his casual stride was unable to hide the danger inherent in him , a fact noted by the peers who quickly moved out of his way . now she understood his appeal . maria returned her attention to her footman . `` my lady , '' he cried plaintively , stil ing her midstep . the young man looked as if he might cast up his accounts . his dark hair fel over his brow , framing immature features . were it not for the livery he wore , he would appear very much the boy he was . `` i-i did not come to your aid . '' reaching out , she touched his elbow , a gesture that startled him . you were afraid , an emotion with which i sympathize . '' she sighed and squeezed his elbow gently before releasing him . the grateful smile he gave her made her heart ache . had she ever been so ... open ? she felt so disconnected from the world at times . that goal was all she had . she tasted it every morning for breakfast and rinsed her mouth out with it at night . the need for retribution was the force that pumped blood through her veins and fil ed her lungs with air . and christopher st. john could be the means by which she would acquire it . a few moments ago , he had been a chore to complete as quickly as possible .	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the other option is that we can send you back to warn them , connor said as he stared down at his boots . you would just let me go back ? i dont want to , but ill let you decide . thats only if we find strong evidence that your human settlement is at risk . keep in mind that they may not believe a word you say . ravens throat closed up . she wanted to go home , right ? thats what shed wanted from the beginning , and now she might get to . of course , that would mean her friends were in danger . i want to go over to see muriel and the baby , raven said softly . ill walk you over now , connor said . norah can take me , raven said . she saw the hurt look on connors face , but he quickly masked it . ill come by to pick you up after we come back from seeing dr . raven nodded and walked off with norah by her side . chapter thirtytwo do you need me to stay with you ? norah asked as they neared muriels home . raven was just about to tell norah that she didnt need her to stay when she realized that norah really wanted to stay . after rands death , norah had become too isolated and didnt know how to rejoin her friends . well , that was just the impression raven got . id like that , raven said , and she saw the relief in norahs eyes . im sure jack would like you to visit too . do you know muriel well ? jack brought her here shortly after i lost rand . i was in a really bad place at that time . i wouldnt even see connor , and hes my best friend . norahs pace slowed and finally she just stopped . raven hated to see the sadness that was taking hold of norah . they didnt bring rands body back . the attack was too unexpected and he was with new troops . none of them really knew what to do , so they panicked . we sent out teams later to recover his body , but they never found it . since it was humans that attacked , they probably burned his body . connor asked the treasure island settlement to let us know if they heard anything about him . i avoided people because i didnt want to hear that rand was gone . if i didnt see his body , i figured i could keep believing hed come back to me . for a long time , i kept expecting him to just walk in our front door . some days , i still do . i can see why you would have a hard time accepting he was gone . i hated jack a little for bringing a human from one of the enemy settlements here , she said with her head bowed slightly . i kept wondering if her friends or family had killed rand . i wasnt exactly a good friend to jack or anyone else at that time . i know the humans didnt just attack rand . the vampires who made it back here said the humans were terrified of them . rand tried to stop things without killing anyone . it just got out of hand . still , i hated them for taking rand from me . im sure jack understands why you were so distant , raven said . he hardly seems like the type to hold a grudge . norah smiled and started up the walkway to jack and muriels home . nope , hes always been pretty easygoing . even when we were living in that hell hole of a reservation , jack was pretty upbeat . ive really missed him . raven knocked on the door quietly . she didnt want to wake the baby if he was sleeping . then she reached over and squeezed norahs hand . youll really like muriel . jack opened the door with the baby in his arms . i was wondering when the two of you were going to stop talking about me and knock on the door . his tone was light , but raven saw that his eyes were heavy with emotion as he looked at norah . oh , and hes always had really good hearing , norah said with an amused grin . con sent me a message saying youd be here for a few hours . muriel is napping , but shell be up soon . they followed jack into the house where he settled into a chair with his son snuggled close to his chest . not once did he offer to let them hold the baby . much to ravens surprise , dr. troll had come to jack and muriels house to take care of muriel and the baby so they wouldnt have to risk travel . since everything was fine , shed cut the cord and told them there was no reason to go to the hospital . connor had given raven that update when shed woken up in the morning . you know , norah started , we came here to hold the baby , not watch you hold him . his name is cole , jack said , and you can hold him if youre going to feed him . little demon is going to start screaming bloody murder soon . i just realized that i never asked if hes a vampire or a human , raven said and looked over at norah . did they do a blood test or something to find out ?	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outside this life , she had made very few friends . she was too closed ; she had no stories , no views to bring to a friendship . what she needed was the company of people who asked no questions and made no assumptions . what chicky also needed was a job . she could n't stay on at the diner . they would have been happy to keep her , but once walter was gone she did n't want to be around the neighbourhood any more . she just had to earn a living , something to keep her until she got her head straight . chicky could not sleep when walter left . she tried , but sleep would not come . so she sat upright in a chair in the room she had shared with walter starr for those five glorious months - and those three restless months . he said it was the longest time he had ever stayed anywhere . he said he had n't wanted to hurt her . he had begged her to go back to ireland where he had found her . she just smiled at him through her tears . it took her four days to find a place to live and work . one of the workmen on the building next to the diner had a fall and was brought in to the diner to recover . 'i 'm not bad enough to go to hospital , ' he pleaded . 'can you call mrs cassidy , she 'll know what to do . ' 'who is mrs cassidy ? ' chicky had asked the man with the irish accent and the fear of losing a day 's work . 'she runs select accommodation , ' he said . 'she 's a good person , she keeps herself to herself , she 's the one to contact . ' mrs cassidy took over . she was a small , busy person with sharp eyes and her hair drawn into a severe knot behind her head . she was someone who wasted no time . chicky looked at her with admiration . mrs cassidy arranged for the injured man to be driven back to her guest house . she said she had a next-door neighbour who was a nurse , and if his condition worsened she would get him to hospital . next day chicky called to cassidy 's select accommodation . first she enquired about the workman who had been injured and brought to the diner . then she asked for a job . 'why did you come to me ? ' mrs cassidy had asked . 'they say you keep yourself to yourself , you do n't go blabbing around . ' 'too busy for that , ' mrs cassidy had admitted . 'i could clean . i 'm strong and i do n't get tired . ' mrs cassidy asked . 'i 'll be twenty-one tomorrow . ' years of watching people and saying little had made mrs cassidy very decisive . 'happy birthday , ' she said . 'get your things and move in today . ' it did n't take long to collect her things , just a small bag to pick up from the big , sprawling apartment where she had lived as walter starr 's girl with a group of restless young people for those happy months before the circus left town without her . and so began chicky 's new life . a small , almost monastic bedroom at the top of the boarding house , up in the morning to clean the brasses , scrub the steps and get the breakfast going . mrs cassidy had eight lodgers , all of them irish . these were not people who had cereal and fruit to start the day . men who worked in construction or on the subway , men who needed a good bacon and egg to see them through until the lunchtime ham sandwich that chicky made and wrapped in waxed paper and handed over before they left for work . then there were beds to make , windows to polish , the sitting room to clean , and chicky went shopping with mrs cassidy . she learned how to make cheap cuts of meat taste good by marinating them , she knew how to make the simplest of meals look festive . there was always a vase of flowers or a potted plant on the table . mrs cassidy always dressed nicely when she served supper , and somehow the men had followed suit . they all washed and changed their shirts before sitting down at her table . if you expected good manners , you got good manners in return . chicky always called her mrs cassidy . she did n't know her first name , her life story , whatever had happened to mr cassidy , even if there had ever been a mr cassidy . and in return , no questions were asked of chicky . it was a very restful relationship . mrs cassidy had stressed the importance of getting chicky her green card , and registering to vote in the city council to make sure that the necessary number of irish officials got returned to power . she explained how you got a post-office box number so that you could mail without anyone knowing where you lived , or anything about your business .	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`` i understand it 's a scary thing to leave your child in the care of a stranger . why do n't we just get to know each other a bit and go from there , '' the woman replied kindly . the three of them spoke for a while , then jacob woke up from his nap . jessica fed him before handing him to julia . julia had worked for the same family for fifteen years until all the kids grew up . she was now looking for a new family . jessica could find nothing wrong with her and the thought of someone helping out with the baby was beginning to look more appealing . `` your son is very beautiful , '' julia said after a little while . jacob was sitting on her lap playing with one of his teething rings . `` we sure think so , '' alex stated proudly . `` i think all children are a gift and precious of course but jacob is very mild mannered . is this unusual or is he a happy baby for the most part ? '' `` he 's an exceptionally good baby . i 've heard horror stories of babies staying up all night and having colic , crying for hours and hours on end . i 've had none of those problems so far with jacob . he wakes every few hours , which is normal but he 's never had any problems . the only time he fusses is when he 's hungry , '' jessica said fondly . `` it would n't matter to me either way , '' julia said . `` if a baby is crying there 's a reason for it . he 's either hungry , needs changed , needs some extra love , or is hurting and trying to tell you about it . one of my previous kids was very colicky . we would walk the floors for hours on end . it was just an excuse for me to get to cuddle with him longer , '' she remembered fondly . jessica could tell she was telling the truth . the woman seemed to have unending patience , which was definitely a must for a child care provider . she was shocked to find she did like the woman . `` as much as i hate to leave this precious little one , i will get going and let you both get back to your day , '' julia said and then handed jacob back to jessica . `` we 'll discuss things and get back to you within the next couple of days . i have all your information . we really appreciate you coming by and spending so much time with us today , '' alex said , as he led julia from the room . you have a beautiful family and i would love to be a part of it , '' julia replied , then left . `` i think she seemed pretty great . i guess the idea of a nanny would n't be all bad . it was nice to be able to take a nap today , '' jessica conceded . her face turned a shade of red , as she was picturing the way she 'd woken up from her second nap that afternoon . alex 's eyes darkened , also remembering the pleasant way they 'd awoken . his hands itched to grab her and pull her close . `` i 've already run the background check and verified her references . her last family could n't say enough great things about her . the kids all remain in contact with her and consider her an honorary aunt . they adore her and the family begged her to stay on with them , even after the kids had grown but she told them she needed to continue to be a nanny . she loves young ones far too much to give that up . '' `` i guess there 'd be nothing wrong with trying it out , '' jessica conceded . `` just make sure to tell her we are n't sure if it will be a permanent situation , '' she added , not sure if she wanted to commit to a nanny long term . `` i 'll give her a call . she already told me she could begin tomorrow . '' he left the room and jessica was a little nervous with how quickly things were moving along . the rest of the afternoon and evening flew by . alex spent most of his time in his home office and jacob was fussy , requiring all of jessica 's attention . she was grateful to have gotten the nap in , because she had a feeling it was going to be a very long night . alex helped her walk jacob around during the evening . she was trying to stay unattached but he made it very difficult when he was amazing . around nine that evening jacob 's fever broke and he finally fell asleep . both alex and jessica were happy he was feeling better and breathed sighs of relief as they stared down at their sleeping child . the crying did n't bother either of them . they just felt powerless with their son not feeling good and not being able to do more than walk him . `` he 's cutting his first tooth and it 's hard on him .	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