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Saibo-creator
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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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train · 6.16k rows

text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
she tied the belt of her robe securely and opened the bathroom door , then froze . steve was stretched out on her bed , his arms behind his head as he stared at the television . the picture was on , but the sound was off . she looked at him , then at the door to her room , her brows puckered in confusion . `` i thought i locked the door . '' i picked the lock . '' she did n't move any closer . `` a little something you remembered ? '' he looked at her , then swung his legs off the bed and sat up . `` no , i did n't remember it . i just knew how to do it . '' good lord , what other suspicious talents did he have ? he looked lean and dangerous , his battered face hard , his yellow eyes narrow and gleaming ; he was probably capable of things that would give her nightmares , but she did n't fear him . she loved him too much ; she had loved him from the moment she had first touched his arm and felt his will to live burning in him . but her nerves jangled as he stood and took the few steps he needed to reach her . he was so close now that she had to look up to see his face ; she could feel the heat emanating from his body , smell the warm , musky male scent of his skin . he cupped her cheek in his palm , his thumb rubbing lightly over the shadows fatigue had smudged under her eyes , making their blueness seem even deeper . she was pale and jittery , her body trembling . she had taken care of him for months , spending all day , every day , at his bedside , willing him to live and pulling him out of the darkness . she had filled his whole life to the point that even the shock of having amnesia paled in comparison . she had gotten him through hell . now the strain was telling on her , and he was the stronger one . he could feel the tension in her , vibrating like a string at the point of breaking . he slid his arm around her waist and pulled her forward until her body rested against his . his other hand moved from her cheek into her heavy brown hair , exerting just enough pressure to bring her head against his shoulder . `` i do n't think this is a good idea , '' she whispered , the sound muffled in his shut . `` it feels like a damned good idea , '' he muttered . every muscle in his body was tightening , his loins growing heavy with desire . his hands moved over her slender body . `` jay , '' he whispered roughly , and bent his head to hers . the hot , needful pressure of his mouth made her dizzy . the stroking of his tongue against hers made her tighten inside with pleasure so piercing it was almost unbearable . her hands lifted to the back of his neck , clinging as all strength washed out of her legs . she barely noticed as he turned with her still in his arms and forced her backward until the bed nudged against the backs of her knees . she lost her sense of balance , but his arms supported her as she fell back , and then his hard weight came down on top of her . she had forgotten how the pressure of a man 's body felt , and she inhaled sharply as quick response flooded her veins . the wide expanse of his chest flattened her breasts , and the swollen ridge of his manhood pushed against her feminine mound , his thighs controlling the restless movement of her legs . he kissed her again and again , barely letting her catch her breath before his mouth returned to take it away once more . feverishly they strained together , wanting more . he pulled at the belt of her robe until the knot gave and the fabric parted , exposing the thinner fabric of her nightgown . he made a rough sound of frustration at this additional barrier , but for the moment he was too impatient to deal with it . his hand closed over her breast , kneading the soft flesh , his thumb making circles on her nipple until it tightened into a nub . she whimpered softly into his mouth . `` we ca n't , '' she cried , desperation and desire tearing her apart . `` the hell we ca n't , '' he rasped , taking her hand and moving it down his body to where his flesh strained at the fabric of his pants . her fingers jerked at the con- tact ; then a spasm of pain crossed her pale face , and her hand lingered involuntarily , exploring the dimensions of his arousal . `` jay , baby , do n't stop me now ! '' she was stunned at how quickly passion had exploded between them ; one kiss and they were falling on the bed . her lips trembled as she stared up at him . she did n't even know his name ! tears burned her eyes and she blinked them away . he groaned at the liquid sheen welling in her eyes and kissed her again with rough passion . i know this is fast , but everything 's going to be okay .	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2431], ["dizzying", 2431], ["stroking", 2446], ["tongue", 2460], ["tonguing", 2460], ["tighten", 2490], ["tightens", 2490], ["tightenest", 2490], ["inside", 2497], ["pleasure", 2511], ["pierce", 2523], ["piercing", 2523], ["almost", 2537], ["unbearable", 2548], ["lift", 2567], ["lifted", 2567], ["back", 2579], ["neck", 2591], ["necked", 2591], ["cling", 2602], ["clinging", 2602], ["strength", 2618], ["wash", 2625], ["washed", 2625], ["barely", 2654], ["notice", 2662], ["noticed", 2662], ["turn", 2675], ["turned", 2675], ["still", 2690], ["force", 2713], ["forced", 2713], ["backward", 2726], ["nudge", 2747], ["nudges", 2747], ["nudged", 2747], ["back", 2765], ["backs", 2765], ["knee", 2778], ["knees", 2778], ["lose", 2789], ["lost", 2789], ["sense", 2799], ["balance", 2810], ["support", 2835], ["supported", 2835], ["fall", 2851], ["falls", 2851], ["fell", 2851], ["weight", 2883], ["weighted", 2883], ["weightest", 2883], ["come", 2888], ["came", 2888], ["top", 2900], ["forget", 2927], 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["strain", 3363], ["strains", 3363], ["strained", 3363], ["together", 3372], ["knot", 3438], ["knotted", 3438], ["give", 3443], ["gave", 3443], ["fabric", 3458], ["part", 3465], ["parting", 3465], ["parted", 3465], ["expose", 3476], ["exposing", 3476], ["thin", 3488], ["thins", 3488], ["thinner", 3488], ["nightgown", 3512], ["nightgowns", 3512], ["rough", 3530], ["roughs", 3530], ["roughest", 3530], ["roughing", 3530], ["frustration", 3551], ["additional", 3570], ["barrier", 3578], ["impatient", 3620], ["deal", 3628], ["close", 3654], ["closed", 3654], ["breast", 3670], ["breasted", 3670], ["breasting", 3670], ["knead", 3681], ["kneads", 3681], ["kneading", 3681], ["kneadest", 3681], ["soft", 3690], ["flesh", 3696], ["fleshest", 3696], ["circle", 3723], ["circles", 3723], ["nipple", 3737], ["nipples", 3737], ["tighten", 3756], ["tightens", 3756], ["tightenest", 3756], ["tightened", 3756], ["nub", 3767], ["nubs", 3767], ["whimper", 3783], ["whimpering", 3783], ["whimpered", 3783], 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she was fascinated , sufficiently so as to put aside her reluctance to look ignorant . 'i didna ken ... i mean ... so the different orders of nuns do quite different things , is that what ye 're saying ? what other kinds are there ? ' he shot her a brief glance , but then turned back , narrowing his eyes against the wind as he thought . 'well ... there 's the sort of nun that prays all the time - contemplative , i think they 're called . i see them in the cathedral all hours of the day and night . there 's more than one order of that sort , though ; one kind wears grey habits and prays in the chapel of st joseph , and another wears black ; ye see them mostly in the chapel of our lady of the sea . ' he glanced at her , curious . 'will it be that sort of nun that you 'll be ? ' she shook her head , glad that the wind-chafing hid her blushes . 'no , ' she said , with some regret . 'that 's maybe the holiest sort of nun , but i 've spent a good bit o ' my life being contemplative on the moors , and i didna like it much . i think i havena got the right sort of soul to do it verra well , even in a chapel . ' 'aye , ' he said , and wiped back flying strands of hair from his face . 'i ken the moors . the wind gets into your head after a bit . ' 'when my uncle jamie - your da , i mean - ye ken he hid in a cave after culloden ? ' 'for seven years , ' she said , a little impatient . 'aye , everyone kens that story . 'only thinking . i was no but a wee bairn at the time , but i went now and then wi ' my mam , to take him food there . he 'd be glad to see us , but he wouldna talk much . and it scared me to see his eyes . ' joan felt a small shiver pass down her back , nothing to do with the stiff breeze . she saw - suddenly saw , in her head - a thin , dirty man , the bones starting in his face , crouched in the dank , frozen shadows of the cave . 'da ? ' she scoffed , to hide the shiver that crawled up her arms . 'how could anyone be scairt of him ? he 's a dear , kind man . ' michael 's wide mouth twitched at the corners . 'i suppose it would depend whether ye 'd ever seen him in a fight . but- ' 'have you ? ' she interrupted , curious . 'seen him in a fight ? ' 'i have , aye . but- ' he said , not willing to be distracted , 'i didna mean he scared me . it was that i thought he was haunted . by the voices in the wind . ' that dried up the spit in her mouth , and she worked her tongue a little , hoping it did n't show . she need n't have worried ; he was n't looking at her . 'my own da said it was because jamie spent so much time alone , that the voices got into his head , and he couldna stop hearing them . when he 'd feel safe enough to come to the house , it would take hours sometimes , before he could start to hear us again - mam wouldna let us talk to him until he 'd had something to eat and was warmed through . ' 'she said he wasna human 'til then - and looking back , i dinna think she meant that as a figure of speech . ' 'well , ' she said , but stopped , not knowing how to go on . she wished fervently that she 'd known this earlier . her da and his sister were coming on to france later , but she might not see him . she could maybe have talked to da , asked him just what the voices in his head were like - what they said . whether they were anything like the ones she heard . nearly twilight , and the rats were still dead . the comte heard the bells of notre-dame calling sext , and glanced at his pocket-watch . the bells were two minutes before their time , and he frowned . he did n't like sloppiness . he stood up and stretched himself , groaning as his spine cracked like the ragged volley of a firing squad . no doubt about it , he was ageing , and the thought sent a chill through him . if he could find the way forward , then perhaps ... but you never knew , that was the devil of it . for a little while , he 'd thought - hoped - that travelling back in time stopped the process of ageing . that initially seemed logical , like rewinding a clock . but then again , it was n't logical , because he 'd always gone back further than his own lifetime .	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emboldened by an overwhelming urge to express her affection for gabriel , she leaned toward him , positioning herself closer . her heart began to pound , threatened to beat out of her rib cage . she never acted so boldly before . and she did not have a plan . unsure of exactly what she was doing , melissa arched her body toward his and silently hoped he did not recognize her complete inexperience . dizzied by an unrelentingly racing pulse , she said nothing but leaned in even further and tipped her head slightly . she was drunk with adrenaline , overtaken by the profound need to press her lips against his , feel the tender skin of his mouth touch hers . gabriel seemed to grasp what her positioning suggested . he bent forward in expectation , dipping his head lower . as their faces drew closer , her mind flooded with racing thoughts . worry filled each . she worried she was going about things incorrectly . after all , a boy as attractive as he was had surely kissed many girls before . what if her skills were subpar ? did she even have skills ? she had little practice . each question swirled as they inched closer to each other slowly . then suddenly , with their lips about to touch , all of her negative thoughts were quieted . in her mind there was complete silence ; peace . she abandoned all fears and , instead , proceeded with the most natural , exhilarating action she could possibly begin . but just as her lips grazed his , a familiar voice grated in her ears . alexandra greeted melissa . im getting my period . i have such cramps and im so gassy and constipated . melissa felt frustrated and disappointed simultaneously . she cringed then looked at her best friend with a look of puzzlement and watched as alexandra patted her chest , and belched before asking , what the hell ? am i interrupting you guys or something ? reluctantly , melissa stepped away from gabriel . the distance pained her . she feared her disappointment was etched on her face . alexandra continued . are you people deaf ? shaking her head to clear her thoughts , melissa replied , wow , mental pause , sorry alex . its been an interesting few days . sorry youre not feeling well . yeah , you know how backed up i get before my period . if the cramps and bloat are not enough , she began . i apologize for interrupting you , alexandra , gabriel interjected . but i have to get to my locker before first period . ill leave you two to chat privately . melissa , remember what i said . my phone is on . ill see you in third period . melissa watched as gabriel walked away toward the staircase . his locker was on the second floor . even though he had just left her , she missed him already . he was out of sight when cheerleading practice concluded and the cheerleaders began leaving the gymnasium . three were approaching their lockers beside melissas . kelly primrose , marci davis and kristen taft , a trifecta renowned in harbingers high school for the malicious nature of their gossip and supreme bitchiness , strode up to melissa and alexandra . as they passed , each turned and looked over her shoulder to glare at melissa . slut , one hissed . whore , another condemned . bitch , one denounced . melissa looked nervously to alexandra and pleaded , lets just go . i need to get to class anyway . ignoring her friend , alexandra spun around to confront the trio . do any of you fucking bitches have something to say ? refusing to meet her eyes , the threesome just tossed their heads back and laughed . more cheerleaders advanced . some pointed and whispered and made slanderous remarks while others just stared at melissa . she felt vulnerable , withered by their stares , weakened by their words . yet , she had nothing to feel ashamed of . in her mind , her words rang true . in the court of public opinion , kevin anderson was judge , jury and executioner . she could do nothing but watch as alexandra began , at their goading , to defend her friend and distribute her wrath . who the fuck do you think you are ! she shouted at the group . youre just a bunch of sheep . you believe whatever bullshit that asshole kevin feeds you ! youre too fucking stupid to question him ! he tried to rape her ! as if on cue , kevin anderson rounded the corner and moved toward the scene unfolding . ladies , whats all the drama ? i certainly hope a fight results from this . you know , clothes get ripped off when girls fight . only on your porn channels , asshole , alexandra spat . before kevin could retort , arlene cardwell , a retired prisonguard who was now the hall monitor for harbingers high school , came out of the cafeteria . hearing the commotion and sensing an impending skirmish , arlene made her way down the hallway toward them and ordered everyone to get to class .	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he could n't resist the urge to flick his tongue out a tiny bit so he could taste her skin . he opened his eyes and stared up at her . she was lying next to him on a bed , leaning over him . any anger he felt at having his plans to die tonight interrupted vanished . if he 'd died , he would n't have been able to feel her touching him right now . he knew it was wrong , but he did n't care . `` surprised me , too . `` nicholas sent backup . helen , drake , angus , and gilda . they fought off the synestryn , and we met logan at the nearest gerai house so he could cure the poison . '' madoc tried to push himself up to find the leech before he could take nika 's blood the way tynan had . nika pressed her hands to his bare chest , straddled him , and leaned her weight into him . she was n't heavy enough to keep him on the bed , but the feel of her palms on his skin did the trick . if he moved away , she 'd stop touching him . drake paid the blood debt since i could n't . '' anger flooded him at the thought of her offering to bleed for him , making his voice rough and curt . `` do n't you ever offer to feed one of those leeches . instead , she pressed a kiss against his forehead . madoc 's gaze went to her br*sts , which were just the right size to fill his palms . a wave of lust crashed into him , making him grit his teeth to keep from bringing her to his mouth so he could suckle her through her shirt . she straddled his stomach , and he could feel the heat of her sinking through the layers of cloth between them . behind her , his dick grew hard , tenting the sheet that covered him . apparently , his bloody clothes had been stripped away , leaving him nakd. all he had to do was get her out of her pants and slide her down a few inches . he 'd finally be inside her , filling her , fking her . the small part of him that was still good screamed at him , reminding him she was a virgin . madoc fisted his hands in the sheet , forcing himself to keep them at his side . nika 's lips moved over his brow , tracing the same path her fingers had . he could smell the sweet scent of her skin , see her rapid pulse beating in the hollow of her throat . his luceria would look so pretty there . madoc refused to go there . wishful thinking hurt like hell , and he did n't need any more pain in his life . he 'd been so close to escaping it all . so close to peaceful , painless oblivion . his voice was a harsh , angry whisper . just relax and let me do what i need to do . '' he started to push her up and her sharp little nails dug into his chest . she actually bared her teeth at him . `` i really do n't want to make you bleed again . we 've had enough synestryn for one night , do n't you think ? '' `` get off of me , nika . she ignored him , pressing delicate kisses over his temple , down his cheek . everywhere she touched him tingled , as if the cells were standing up and rejoicing at the contact . madoc tried to think about something else-cutting the heads off sgath , sharpening his sword , all those boring meetings with joseph-but nothing seemed to take his mind away from the soft heat of nika 's lips as they moved unerringly toward his mouth . `` because you need me . because we need each other . i ca n't let you keep running away , and seducing you is the only way to get you over your fear of hurting me . '' `` i 'm not going to fk you , '' he said . `` i like the term making love better . we 'll do that instead . '' girly names changed nothing . fucking was still fking . i 'd really rather not hurt you , but if you do n't move away , i 'm afraid i 'll do just that . '' `` no , you wo n't , '' she said with complete confidence . her mouth nibbled at the corner of his , coaxing him to join in and kiss her back . her breath filled his lungs , making his head spin . he could n't think straight when she was kissing him . `` drake , '' he yelled , a little more breathlessly than he 'd intended . `` he 's outside with helen . they 're guarding the house , letting you rest and recover . '' `` you 're sure as hell not letting me rest . '' `` you 'll rest better after . '' after he 'd made her scream his name in clix . after he 'd come inside her . it sounded way too good , too right .	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of course , inreality his mount probably wouldn'ttake well to suchgoings-onand would no doubtrear up and dump them both in the dirt . butthen , in realityhis hands werebandaged stumpsandhe could n't doanyof it anyway ... whichwas something he resented mightily . the firehadnot justinjured his hands and taken his clothes , it had robbed him of a wedding night ... and every night since . paenwas sure hewould have given hiswife a good `` seeingto '' every chance he 'd gotten were he not injured . certainly , his lower bodyshowed interest every time hewas near her . it no longer seemed tohelp that he avoided being nearher atnight , sleeping by the fire with themen rather than in the tentwithhernaked and sotemptingly near , yet as untouchable as a nun thanksto the state ofhis hands . if hecould , paen wouldmakeherride her own horse , butit was his place to train herin the areasshe waslacking . although it did seem to him that she was a natural at horse riding , sheclaimed to not be confident enough inher skillsto ride alone . that being thecase , he saw it as hisduty to keep her on hismountuntilshe feltmoresure of herself . having learned thehardway thatshe was accidentprone , paenwas n't taking anyunnecessarychances . `` what should italk about ? '' avelyn asked , distracting paen fromhis thoughts . `` it matters little , just speak , '' paen said . `` tell me what it was like growingup at straughton . `` paen wanted to know what she had been trained in . riding was a skill most ladies wouldhave , and he thought it best toknow whathe was up againstand whathe would need to see her trained in . `` oh , well , '' avelyn said , then launched into a ramblingspeech . paensoon realized thathe should havebeenmore specific and simplyaskedwhatshe'dbeen taught , for his wife did tendtolike the soundof her own voice . despite her obvious exhaustion , she hadtalked nonstop yesterday on the last day oftheir journey to hargrove , and now to-day , the first of theirtwo-dayjourney home , she continued chattering . not thathe really minded . in that time he had learneda lot about his wife . he was getting a ratherthoroughpictureof who shewas , ofherfamily and childhood . probablymore thorough than she realized , paen thought . avelyn did not say a cross wordabouther cousins . she did nottellhim theytaunted her and madeher feel inferior , or that their arrival at straughton hadbeen a blight on what untilthen had been a perfect childhood , with loving parents , an affectionate brother and a secure home . shedid notsay a word against them , and yet he saw it . he hadbeen quickto recognizethe trio asresentful andcruel , and hadfound littlepatience for them . heunderstoodtheirresentmentat having their father , home andinheritance stolen from them , but thought little of their takingit out on avelyn . paensupposedit wasenvy andaninstinctto gofor theweakest member of a group that made them behave so badly . they could not attack theiraunt anduncle the same way , and warin would n't have hesitated tobeat them had theytried this business on him . no doubt he wouldbeat them when he caughtthemtormenting avelyn , but paen was equally sure that they never attacked her whenothers might witnessit , and that avelynwould never tattle on them . her refusal to carry tales was an honorable choice , but had left herundefended against theirverbal attacks onher self-esteem . by thetime avelyn finished bathing and was safely out of the water dressing herself , paenhad cometo the conclusionthat what he neededto teach his wife was her own value . he was also quitesure that he had notgottensuch aninept bride as he 'd thought . parentsas loving and caring ashers appeared to bewould notsend their daughter out into the world without the skills she 'd need to carry on successfullyin life . paen suspected that avelyn 's clumsiness and apparent ineptitude were really just a result of herlow-esteem and awkwardnesswith him ... justas david 's tendencyto trip overhis own feet was a result ofnervousness and an eagernesstoplease . given timeand proper tending , paenwas surehe would have himself the perfect wife . `` iam ready , husband. `` paen glanceddown at her andfound himself smiling . she was dressed inanother unattractive , overlarge and dark gown , and her hair was dampand scraped back harshly from her face . still , herbeauty showed through to him .	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`` hidy , ho , '' brian sang . `` how come you 're calling collect ? '' is your dad home yet ? '' `` hey , mom , what 's wrong ? '' apparently her son had n't listened to the message . `` i need to talk to your dad , '' she said without explaining . her son asked , `` is everything all right ? '' susannah lowered her gaze and tried not to look at chrissie , who was examining her like a biology specimen under the microscope . and it would be once she spoke to joe . he was her touchstone , and she needed him . `` hey , mom , hold on , i hear him in the garage . he was at some get-together with his dentist friends . '' brian put down the phone with a clatter . susannah could hear her son talking in the background , and a minute later , joe picked up . `` hi , '' she said softly , loving him so much she wanted to weep . this time apart was wearing on her , wearing on him , too . `` mom fell and broke her hip , '' she said without preamble . joe asked , immediately concerned . `` chrissie and i are at the hospital . mom 's in surgery now ... . '' susannah 's voice faltered . `` she might need to have a hip replacement . '' stifling a sob , she waited a moment before continuing . `` joe , she hit her head on a pool table , of all things , and was knocked unconscious . altamira took care of everything . i ca n't imagine what might 've happened if she 'd been at home or by herself . '' these scenarios had played through susannah 's mind ever since she 'd arrived at the hospital . `` do you need me to come over and be with you ? '' susannah knew how difficult it was for him to get away at the last minute . `` i ... i think it 'll be okay . i 'll have a better idea once mom 's out of surgery . '' needless to say , the more notice i have , the better , but i 'll leave right now if you want me to . '' his willingness to drop everything for her touched susannah . she wanted him to know how much she appreciated this , appreciated him , yet all she managed to choke out was a simple , `` thank you , sweetheart . '' `` anything you need ? she felt oppressed by her worries-vivian , the situation with jake , the revelations about doug , the conflict with chrissie . susannah was tired , so tired of feeling responsible for all of it . tired of making decisions-and mistakes . soon afterward , the surgeon appeared , still in his green surgical gown . he explained what he 'd done and the anticipated outcome . her mother would likely spend several days in the hospital recuperating , and would be temporarily moved to a nursing home , where she 'd receive the care she needed . progress would be slow , but vivian had come through the ordeal well . relieved by the news , susannah and chrissie drove back to the house . `` i 'm glad you came to the hospital , '' susannah told her daughter . `` i 'm glad i did , too , '' chrissie said . `` when i read your note , i freaked . troy drove me to the hospital , thank god . i asked him to come in with me , but he says he ca n't stand the smell . '' susannah bit the inside of her lip to keep from commenting . if troy loved chrissie as much as she believed , then would n't he want to be with her ? `` i hate the thought of grandma in pain , '' chrissie added . `` i do n't think i realized how much i love her until i found out she 'd been hurt . '' but bad as it was , the accident could have been so much worse . the house was dark and quiet when they got home . chrissie immediately turned on the hallway lights , and they both listened , breath held , for any alien sounds . the only thing out of the ordinary was a real estate business card tucked in the screen door ; this was the third one . she was nowhere close to getting the house on the market . susannah tossed the card , as she had the others , annoyed by the aggressiveness of the agents . she hurried to her bedroom and surveyed it carefully , looking , she supposed , for another message from jake . he could n't possibly know what had kept her away from their meeting . `` mom , carolyn 's on the phone , '' chrissie yelled from the kitchen . susannah had n't even heard it ring . `` i understand you just got in , '' carolyn said when she answered . she 's out of surgery and in recovery . the hospital said they 'd phone if there was any change . 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i pulled open the cupboard door , threw open the top of my medicine chest , and fetched a sheet of paper , quill , and ink from jamie 's study . a jar of dried red wintergreen berries . extract of pipsissewa . slippery elm bark . willow bark , cherry bark , fleabane , yarrow . penicillin was by far the most effective of the antibiotics available , but it was n't the only one . people had been waging war on germs for thousands of years , without any notion what they were fighting . i knew ; that was some slight advantage . i began to make a list of the herbs i had on hand , and under each name , all the uses that i knew for that herb-whether i had ever made such use of it or not . any herb used to treat a septic condition was a possibility-cleansing lacerations , treating mouth sores , treatment of diarrhea and dysentery ... i heard footsteps in the kitchen , and called to mrs. bug , wanting her to bring me a kettle of boiling water , so i could set things to steeping at once . she appeared in the doorway , her cheeks bright pink from the cold and her hair coming down in untidy wisps from under her kerch , a large basket clutched in her arms . before i could say anything , she came and plunked the basket down on the counter in front of me . just behind her came her husband , with another basket , and a small open keg , from which came a pungent alcoholic scent . the air around them held a faint ripe smell , like the distant reek of a garbage dump . `` i did hear ye say as how ye 'd not enough mold on hand , '' she started in , anxious but bright-eyed , `` so i said to arch , i said , we must go round to the houses nearabouts , and see what we can fetch back wi ' us for mrs. fraser , for after all , bread does go bad so quick when it 's damp , and the good lord kens that mrs. chisholm is a slattern , for all i 'm sure she 's a good heart , and what goings-on there may be at her hearth i 'm sure i shouldna like even to think about , but we- '' i was n't paying attention , but was staring at the results of the bugs ' morning raid on the pantries and middens of the ridge . crusts of bread , spoilt biscuit , half-rotted squash , bits of pie with the marks of teeth still visible in the pastry ... a hodgepodge of gluey orts and decaying fragments-all sprouting molds in patches of velvet-blue and lichen-green , interspersed with warty blobs of pink and yellow and dustings of splotchy white . the keg was half-filled with decaying corn , the resultant murky liquid rimmed with floating islands of blue mold . `` evan lindsay 's pigs , '' mr. bug explained , in a rare burst of loquacity . both bugs beamed at me , begrimed with their efforts . `` thank you , '' i said , feeling choked , and not only from the smell . i blinked , eyes watering slightly from the miasma of the corn liquor . it was just after dark when i made my way upstairs , carrying my tray of potions and implements , feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation . jamie was propped on his pillows , surrounded by visitors . people had been coming by the house all day to see him and wish him well ; a good many of them had simply stayed , and a host of anxious faces turned toward me as i came in , glimmering in the light of the candles . he looked very ill , flushed and drawn , and i wondered whether i ought to have chased the visitors away . i saw murdo lindsay take his hand , though , and squeeze it tight , and realized that the distraction and support of his company through the day was probably much more helpful to him than the rest that he would n't have taken in any case . `` well , then , '' jamie said , with a good assumption of casualness , `` we 're ready , i suppose . '' he stretched his legs , flexing his toes hard under the blanket . given the state of his leg , it must have hurt dreadfully , but i recognized that he was taking what he thought would be the last opportunity to move the limb , and bit the inside of my lip . `` well , we 're ready to have a go at something , '' i said , smiling at him with an attempt at confident reassurance . `` and anyone who would like to pray about it , please do . '' a rustle of surprise replaced the air of dread that had been sprung up at my appearance , and i saw marsali , who was holding a sleeping joan with one hand , grope hastily in her pocket with the other to pull out her rosary .	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black cats started popping their heads out all over the living room and came running at ro . devon froze in shock . cats ! ? ro bent over to greet her pets . lucky , luna , percy , dulce , and spottie . mamas home . she cooed at her pets in her baby voice . blake would die- devon cut himself off with a cough . devon stepped inside the penthouse and closed the door behind him . he looked at all of the blake white posters that were still on the walls and tried to keep a straight face . ro , tell devon that you decided to rent this suite because you knew it was mine . youre a huge fan of me and thats why your voice even sounds like mine ! blake ordered ro . ro froze and seemed to suddenly realize how stupid she was to bring devon to blakes penthouse suite ! the medium stood up straight . ah , did you ever come here ? im sure blake had you and the band over before . after blake died i found out that this place was available for rent and so i decided to rent it . i also decided to buy everything in it . i am a huge fan of blake whitethats why my voice even sounds like hisive tried so hard to emulate him . rosalie stuttered over her explanation . devon drawled as he walked further into the room and eyed the instruments there : the drum set , the electric guitar , and the bass guitar . blake never actually invited the band herebut i knew he had a place here . it really surprised me when you told me this was your place now devons lips thinned into a grim line . he never invited you here ? but that makes no sensethese instruments ro looked at blake intensely , who looked away and wouldnt meet ros gaze . im sure he had his reasons , butim sure these instruments were for you guys to practice with . maybe blake was just waiting for the right time to invite you guys here . devon reached his hand out towards the electric guitar but didnt touch it . maybe ow ro said . devon turned around and eyed ro concernedly . my arm ro raised her scraped forearm and looked at it with a confused expression on her face . she was so plastered she couldnt even remember when she had fallen down . how did i ? come on , silly . we should get that treated . devon grabbed ros hand and pulled her towards the bathroom . ro allowed the guitarist to drag her to the bathroom and even let him open the door and flick on the light switch . devon let go of ros hand and went over to the medicine cabinet that was over the sink and pulled out the first-aid kit . ro was watching devon absentmindedly until her blood suddenly chilled in her veins . devon had just said that blake had never invited him to his apartment - but then how had devon known where the bathroom was and that there was a first-aid kit in the medicine cabinet ? devon turned around to face the frozen ro , who took a step back . how did you know where the bathroom wasand the first-aid kit , if youve never been here before ? ro asked , her voice trembling . devon sighed and ran a hand back through his dark blue hair . youd be surprised by how similar these penthouses are laid out and everyone in the band keeps their first-aid kit in the medicine cabinet . manager brody told us to do so . oh ro said , thinking that made sense . devon walked over to ro and grabbed her shoulders and maneuvered ro over towards the toilet so that she could take a seat on the toilet seat . he then began to dress her wounds . ro remained silent and tried to stay composed , but she was totally freaked out . devon was acting so suspicious . he could have really killed blake , butshe needed more proof . she needed more evidence or to get him to confess to be sure . devon finished tending to her arm and leg , and stood up . ro looked up at him . devon smiled charmingly , leaned over , cupped ros cheek and kissed her . pervert blake growled . ros eyes went wide . devon pulled back after a few seconds . i better get goingunless you want me to stay ? the guitarist said in a deep , husky voice and licked his lips unconsciously . ro watched as his tongue came out and wet his lower lip as if it happened in slow motion . it was an incredibly sexy move and had butterflies fluttering in ros stomach . i cant let myself just give in to the moment ! this isnt like me ! she gave devon a panicked look . devon chuckled at her obvious fearfulness . ill let you off the hook this time because youre injured butthe next time you decide to tease me and invite me back to your apartment - i wont hold back . i am a man , you know , ro devon reached out and fondled a strand of ros black hair . and you are a beautiful woman .	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i seem to lose control , and when i come to my senses , i usually find out from someone else what a major dick i seem to have been ? `` all right , i 'll talk to pete about it , but come back to bed , '' she blurts out , but she ceded too easily . i 'm no moron and i know she wants to know . hell , she deserves to know . `` i remember you , '' i tell her , just to be clear about that . `` in my last episode . the tequila shots . the way you looked . the little top you were wearing . the nights you slept in my bed . '' she seems to absorb that for a moment and then whispers , her voice holding the most tenderness i 've ever heard anyone address me with , `` i wanted us to happen so bad . '' my chest tangles with emotion , and i swing around . the depth of her eyes is endless . the way they stare right into me . i feel seen . without reproach , disgust . i feel hungered for . wanted in a way i have never , ever , been wanted . `` you think i did n't ? '' `` i 've wanted us to happen since ... '' heading back to bed , i ca n't resist kissing her . `` every second i want us to happen . '' three fingers touch my jaw , her gaze curious on my face . `` have you ever hurt someone ? '' god damn i hate having to tell her this . i want to tell her i 'm strong , fast , the strongest and the fastest . i do n't want to tell her i 'm a fuckup . yeah , i 'm a mess . but i 've never been a liar . `` i hurt everything i touch . i destroy things ! that 's the only thing i 'm good at . i 've found whores in my bed i ca n't remember bringing back with me and i 've tossed them nakd out of my hotel room , pissed like hell because i do n't remember what i did . i 've stolen shit , vandalized shit , woken up in places i do n't even remember getting there ... ... '' i drag a breath , then sigh . `` look , since pete and riley alternate days off , there 's always someone to knock me out for a day or two when i get out of hand . i hit a low , and then i 'm back . nobody gets hurt but you . '' with a worried crease in her forehead , she takes my hand in hers , and i ca n't believe how something smaller than you can give you such a great sense of well-being . `` remy , do they have to knock you out like that ? '' she laces her fingers through mine , and i glance down and stare at her . at that crease on her forehead . those gold , gold eyes , worried for me in a way that 's so new to me , it 's almost amusing . i want her to know i 've got this . she 's holding my hand , and i grip her tighter so that i 'm the one holding her . i will always hold us both . i do n't care what pete has to do , but i need to be kept in line , now more than ever . `` especially if i want ... this ... '' using my hand , i signal to her , then at myself . then i nuzzle her . `` i 'm trying not to fk it up , all right ? '' i kiss the back of her hand . brooke was missing her friend , so i decided to bring her up from seattle . with some reluctance , i agreed she could go with pete to pick up melanie at the airport . `` remy , you 're so good , '' brooke said , sloppy kisses all over my jaw , making me laugh . yesterday i caught her and her best friend laughing , and brooke made love to me all night . i 've never been so connected to anyone in my life . when i handed her one of the sedatives pete and riley use-because i want her to know how to put me down if she needs to-she would n't so much as look at it . `` no , remy , do n't ask this of me . '' `` it 's just to make sure i do n't hurt you . '' i get hot just thinking about the ways she keeps on trying to protect me . i 'm fking sure she knows i 'm her mate . if we were in other times , and i could n't hunt for a day , i know damn well she could hunt for both of us . coach yells from the corner , `` too slow , riptide , too damn slow . i glance at the hard bag and punch . concentrating on hitting . it comes from your core , and as long as you direct it properly , there 's no f*king way there wo n't be power in that punch . i work my core more than anything .	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i have no interest in taking things so far that you 'll fear me or not enjoy what i do to you . but some of what i do will be for my pleasure and my pleasure alone just as there will be times when i 'll want to give you pleasure while taking none in return . '' she asked as she licked her dry lips . he kissed those lips and ran his tongue over top and bottom until they glistened . there is something i 'd like to mention and get out in the open . you 've told me about your fathers . and now your brothers . i do n't pretend to understand the arrangement . you have n't said a lot other than they were in a committed polyamorous relationship . i 'm not even sure what that means in the real world . so i 'll just get this out . i 'm not comfortable with sharing you . `` comfortable is too soft a word to use here . you never hinted that you wanted a similar relationship to the one your mother and sister-in-law have , but it is n't happening . i 'll take apart any son of a bitch i ever find in your bed and then i 'll kick your pretty ass all over the country . '' callie shook with silent laughter . it was obvious she tried really hard to keep it in . then she cracked and started laughing out loud . he glared at her the whole time as she wiped tears from her cheeks . `` oh god , max , '' she gasped out . that 's the funniest thing i 've ever heard . '' your whole family is involved in some weird relationship where the women sleep with multiple men . i 'm just trying to save us all some grief by telling you now it is n't going to happen , and if it does , someone 's going to die . '' she snickered again and wiped frantically at her eyes . then she clutched his face in both hands and kissed him hot , hard and breathless . `` i have no desire to sleep with more than one man , '' she said . `` i realize my parents ' situation is ... unusual . '' max lifted one eyebrow . `` okay maybe it 's strange but not to me or them . and the thing is my dads love my mom more than anything . that woman is pampered , spoiled and adored more than any woman i know other than my sister-in-law . and they all love me . '' max softened and pulled her closer to him until she was cuddled tight against his chest and her nples poked through his chest hair . `` i do n't doubt they love you with all their heart and soul , dolcezza . how could they do anything else ? i do n't mean to demean them . i just ca n't wrap my head around the idea of sharing you with two other men . i want you all to myself twenty-four/seven . '' `` lucky for you i 'm not looking to hook up with two other men , '' she said cheekily . `` guess you 'll have to do . '' he smacked her on the hip . she glanced mischievously at him . what happens when i 'm a bad girl and do n't do as you tell me ? '' `` depends on how badly you 're wanting to be punished , '' he said dryly . `` if you 're yanking my chain because you want to be spanked , i 'll just ignore you . '' she stuck out her lip in an exaggerated pout . `` not to worry , '' he said lazily . `` i 'll find plenty of reasons to spank that pretty ass , none of which have a damn thing to do with punishment . remember i talked about the things i do solely for my pleasure and not yours ? seeing my mark on your sweet little behind is an example . right before i fk it . '' she trembled again and her n*ples hardened against his chest . somehow he imagined that he would n't be the only one who got pleasure from spanking her . chapter fifteen `` i have a present for you , '' max said.callie was sucking air through her nostrils , so turned on that she shook in max 's arms . and now he casually changed the subject . she wanted to growl in frustration . but still , mention of a present perked her up . `` i 'll admit up front that it 's as much a present for me as it is for you . '' she arched an eyebrow and leveled her stare at him . he smiled and then carried her over to the couch . `` wait right here while i get it . '' she watched as he rummaged in the bags that had been delivered earlier . he pulled out a white , nondescript box and carried it back to where she sat . he settled beside her and opened the box . she frowned when she saw black material . had n't he just said he wanted her nakd ? but when he pulled it out , it was apparent it was n't any sort of clothing she was familiar with .	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i opened my mouth to say something , but shut it again quickly . there was just no use trying to mend what had already been ripped apart . i trudged to my car feeling as if i 'd just had the life ripped out of me . i was numb as i make the long , lonely drive to the arena . the boys greeted me and started to help me unload my things . the gesture was nice , but i was unable to thank them . i ca n't believe i get a whole bus to myself . we just want to make you as comfortable as possible . we leave in an hour or two . so you can explore while we 're getting everything together . i pulled my laptop out and checked for wi-fi . i decided to get on hulu . when i typed in 'h ' the most searched result popped up . it was hunter thompson . when i clicked it thousands of websites filled the page . i clicked one that lead me to a link of an interview with hunter . so , hunter there 's been a lot of pictures of you and actress bailey andrews . uh , we 're good friends . he said with a cheeky little grin . you date every girl you see ! i screamed at the computer screen . is that why you 've been avoiding me ? i shrieked out loud and slammed the laptop shut . i jumped to my feet and spun around to see who had intruded into my bus , catching me in my moment of weakness . oh , hunter ... wh-what are you doing in here ? i asked , my cheeks burning . i thought i 'd check up on you . i 've never been better really . i said trying , to shoo him out the door . he spun around quickly and took my by the shoulders . you think i 'm a player , do n't you ? he inquired , looking me deep in the eyes . he said , solemnly . i replied , stubbornly . then let me prove it . he said , taking my hand . there was a copy of his latest magazine lying on my coffee table . i ripped from his grip and flipped to the page with him partying with practically every girl in hollywood . you ca n't argue with that . i said , pointing to the pictures . he said , taking my hand again and pulling me out of the bus . he opened his car door and looked at me expectantly . he said with a smile playing on his lips . we drove on in silence for a few minutes . you should n't believe everything you see . he said , suddenly breaking the silence . there is absolutely no proof . those reporters do n't know me ... nobody does . i could relate to him in a way . nobody knew me either , but in his case it might be worse because he ca n't complain or talk to anyone about it . everything he said was a headline for some stupid magazine article . he stopped the car and helped me out . it was a huge mountainous hill over-looking all of los angelos . i could see the hollywood sign off in the distance as clear as day . i felt like i could touch it . he sat on the hood of his car and motioned for me to join him . i come here often to clear my head . he said , gazing out at it . i kept my gaze locked on it too . it captivated my entire being , i did n't think i had ever seen anything so beautiful in my life . it was the perfect day for it . it seemed we could touch the turquoise sky . the illusion was created that it was only hovering inches above us . it 's wispy , cotton-candy looking clouds hung above our heads and the wind blew softly , tossing hunter 's curls . so how many girls have you taken here ? he said , setting his eyes on me . i kept my eyes out on the beautiful view in front of me . he must have noticed my stubbornness i was displaying by refusing to look at him because he put gently turned my face toward him . i looked at him softly . you 're scared , are n't you ? not just of me . you 're scared of loving . you do n't know what it feels like to love someone or something . i do n't think you even know how and it 's about time someone teaches you . you try to run from the feelings that well deep inside you and tug at your soul , but you know you ca n't . no matter how hard you try you just ca n't run away from me . it does n't matter where you go , how fast you run , or how far you turn from me ... every step you take is just one step closer to my arms . he said , looking at me with fiery eyes . i was taken aback by his cockiness . you ca n't make me love you . and you ca n't fix the pieces of me that are already broken . i added , stubbornly . but i can try and pick up the pieces . he said , tenderly .	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they snarled a bit but eventually moved off down the alleyway . landon said , wow . you 're hot when you get really protective . you have n't seen me really protective . i 'm told that 's gon na happen when i meet up with some guy named bill . anyway , you said you did n't want to be smothered by me . i 'm rethinking that . i glanced at chris . you guys got transportation ? jerrod , thanks for showing up . landon frowned at me . how did you know to show up anyway ? i curled my lip and half-lied . someone wondered if i wanted to see my ex get beat down . i decided i was n't that mad at you . if he assumed i got the info on my cell phone , that was n't my problem . he seemed downcast . maybe he 'd wanted me to follow him . so , we 're gon na head out , i said , looping my arm around danielle . keep an eye open , but i think those guys were just looking for trouble in general , not you in particular . unless you 've been ragging on them ? landon dropped his eyes , so maybe he had , but my sense was quiet now , like the danger was over . drive careful and chris , next time maybe one of you could have the sense not to hang out in a dark alley behind a bar ? especially with this guy ? fuck you , landon said . never again , i told him . he hesitated , then added defensively , it 's never been a problem making out back here before . usually no one comes by . well , they did tonight . you might want to warn the other guys , when you go back in . we 'll do that , chris said , grabbing landon 's arm . i waited until they 'd let themselves safely back through the service entrance and sighed . god , landon and his quest for adventure was gon na get him killed one day . hopefully i would n't be around for that . i glanced at danielle . we 're gon na be late getting you home . will your mom be really mad ? not if i call her right now , danielle said . she slid her arm around me too , and it felt warm and perfect , in the cool dark night . and i 'll tell her i 'm bringing home a guy with traits , just like us . she has n't had contact with other wanderers since she married dad and she and gran moved here with him . i 'll tell her gran likes you . she fumbled for her phone with her free hand . tell her i 'm real sorry , i said . tell her my own grandfather will tan my hide for not keeping my word to a lady . danielle faltered . he might make me clean out her garage for her though . i 'll tell her that . when she was done chatting with her mom she put the phone away . we reached the car and got in . as i started it , she said , those guys were pretty scary . and i will handle bill , anytime you say so . well , if he comes around you and you change your mind , i 'll be there . a fire starter should be able to take care of things too , in a pinch . i 'm crappy at it . i had a couple of mistakes as a kid , and i guess i scared myself , and now , well , it takes me ten minutes to get focused enough to do anything . plus i ca n't use it to hurt someone . well , that 's not a bad thing , right ? means you 'll never start a fire by accident , just 'cause you 're mad or something . it 's not a super useful trait anymore . but hey , i love camping . you and me could go up to the hills this summer , maybe . and if you wanted to start a campfire or two for me , that would be cool . danielle laughed , soft and warm . i never thought i 'd date a guy i could say this to , but yeah , it might be fun to set things on fire for you . i reached over to squeeze her knee . and then , daring a lot that i would n't have if i 'd never dated a guy , i took her hand and put it on my crotch . you already set things on fire for me . for a second i worried i 'd gone too far . landon would have loved that , but maybe it was too raunchy for a girl . then danielle laughed again , and patted me with her small , hot hand . save that thought for our next date . i 'm late for curfew . i drove through the darkness , squirming a bit and trying hard to concentrate on the road , because she kept her hand right there . my breath was a little fast , but my heart felt happy . i could see that dating a girl , this girl , might be just a whole different version of a very good thing .	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meghann settled her shoulder strap in place , clamped her elbow tightly against her purse , and started for the tavern . she did n't falter when she reached the open door , just turned and walked in . it was like a hundred other taverns she 'd been in . smoke collected along the acoustical tile ceiling , trailing like ghostly sleeves below the inset lighting . the bar ran the length of the room on the right side , a huge mahogany piece that had to be a hundred years old . the mirror behind it was at least six feet long , veined in strands of gold and aged to a tarnished silver . in it , the patrons looked taller and thinner , a fun-house mirror for people too drunk to notice . she saw the people clustered along the bar , seated on wooden stools . the pitchers outnumbered the people , and there was a lit cigarette in every hand . those were the hardcore drinkers , the folks who found their bar stools at 10:00 a.m. and climbed aboard . scatted throughout the left side of the room were round tables ; most of them were full . in the smoky background , she saw the faded outline of a pool table , heard the clackety-thump of a game in progress . an old springsteen song played on the jukebox . `` glory days . '' it had probably been chosen by the guy sitting at the bar who wore a red-and-white letterman 's jacket . he 'd long ago lost all his hair . she moved into the haze . her heart beat faster : smoke and anticipation made her eyes water . she walked to the closest empty space on the bar , where a tired-looking man was busily wiping up a spill . at her arrival , he sighed and looked up . if he was surprised by her-after all , women like her did n't show up alone in seedy taverns every day-he hid it well . he threw down the rag and grabbed his cigarette from an ashtray . `` dirty martini . '' `` this is a tavern , lady . we do n't have an h license . '' i 'll take a glass of white wine . vouvray , if you have it . '' `` we have inglenook and gallo . '' `` inglenook . '' he turned and headed down the other way . in a moment , he returned with a glass of wine . she slapped her platinum credit card on the bar . `` open a tab . '' the jukebox clicked , then buzzed . an old aerosmith song came on . she had a sudden flashback to her youth-standing front and center in the kingdome , screaming out her love for steven tyler . she took her card back from the bartender , slipped it in her bag , and headed toward the nearest table , where three men sat , talking loudly . normally , she 'd find an empty table , sit down , and wait to see who came on to her , but she felt jittery tonight , nervous . she was tired of being alone . `` hey , boys , '' she said , gliding into an empty space between two of the men . their conversation stopped . the sudden silence made her teeth ache . that was when she noticed that they each wore a wedding ring . `` hi , '' one of the men said , shifting uncomfortably in his seat . none of them made eye contact . `` i have to run , guys , '' the first one said , pushing back from the table . meghann waved at their backs , said brightly , `` see you again , soon . just in case anyone had witnessed her humiliation . she counted silently to five , then turned around . there was another table , not too far away . this one had only one man seated at it . he was writing on a yellow legal pad , obviously taking notes from an open textbook . he was staring so intently at the work that he had n't seen her debacle at the table . when he looked up , she saw that he was young . maybe twenty-one or twenty-two . his eyes were unguarded , filled with the kind of open-ended hope that came with youth . she felt drawn to that optimism , warmed by it . `` call me meg . '' are you a friend of my mother 's ? sada carlyle . '' she felt like the old lady from titanic . and i ... thought i knew you , but i was mistaken . she tightened her grip on the wineglass . desperation came for her , tapped her on the shoulder . she headed toward another table . as she came within range , a woman slipped into the empty chair and leaned in to kiss the man . meghann spun to her left and ran into a shaggy , derelict-looking guy who was obviously on his way back from the bar . `` i should have signaled before i made a turn like that . '' he went back to his table and sat down . she saw that he was slightly unsteady on his feet . she stood there , alone in the midst of the crowded bar .	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`` good morning , mr. titan , it 's good to see you , '' the guard greeted them . `` hello tim , how are things going here ? '' `` everything has been mellow the last few days . mr. freeman tried to come in the day after the take-over but was escorted out and has n't been back since , '' the man reported . `` i 've had new badges created and no one enters without one of them . all employees who are kept will receive their badge before they leave today . there will be a lot of people let go and i do n't need them sneaking back in and causing trouble . i also want several security personnel up on the twenty-fifth floor to escort people down as they 're let go . today , unfortunately is n't going to be a pleasant one . '' `` no problem mr. titan , i will send them up right away , '' he answered . `` here 's your new badge and some for your men . some workers will be in over the next few days setting up key pads for all the elevators and exits . here 's the list of men who will be here doing the work . these men and only these men are allowed in . if their company tries to send over replacements call me and i 'll let you know if they 're approved or not , '' he finished . `` okay boss , '' tim replied , then set to work making phone calls . derek spent the first part of the morning exploring the huge building . the most time was spent down on the bottom floors , assessing the factory and its workers . they were eyeing him with trepidation and he knew his father was right ; he needed to speak with them soon . the work was going slow and he noticed obvious mistakes being made . he knew a lot of that had to do with their lack of enthusiasm for underpaid work and part of it had to do with the fact they were so unsure of their futures . he decided to call a meeting right away . it was n't the employees ' fault that the previous owner was a horrible man . derek knew their attitudes would change , once they knew the changes he was making . he spoke to his men , who went in search of the foreman on each floor . it only took about thirty minutes and he had all the factory workers assembled . he looked out at the massive crowd . there were about five-hundred faces looking up at him with fear . the job market was already terrible and all the people were in fear of joining the ranks of the unemployed . he stood at the make-shift podium and grabbed the microphone . `` my name is derek titan and i 'm the new owner of this corporation . first , i want to assure you all we 're keeping this company open , '' he started . he heard several people release the breaths they were holding . he also saw many in the crowd visibly relax . `` there will be some changes made but i think you 'll like what we have in mind . it will benefit every one of you . i 've looked through the financial records and you 've been woefully underpaid and not offered benefits . you 'll receive a ten percent wage increase and offered health insurance . by the end of the day you 'll receive paperwork showing the changes . you 'll have to go through a background check to continue working here but you 'll see things are going to be much better , '' he continued talking . he was now seeing smiles in the audience and some with their mouths gaped open . he had to fight his own smile from spreading across his face . he needed to appear confident and in charge . he could n't appear to be a friend . the boss had to be respected , not necessarily liked . `` if you work hard for me and meet production deadlines you 'll be rewarded . i want to turn this company around , into what it should be . you make quality products here , so let 's be a quality company as well . i want investors to walk through these stations and see happy employee 's , doing an above quality job . the better you do , the more bonuses you 'll get . we will be setting up some hr representatives down here in the offices and bringing each of you in over the next few days to sign paperwork . this is a new corporation and if you do choose to leave we 'll offer you a severance package . if you have any questions , please wait until you 're called in so we can move things along quickly , '' he finished . `` please return to work and your foremen will be calling you in over the next few days . i need all the supervisors to please meet me over here , '' he concluded . he explained what they 'd be doing in more detail to the supervisors , then made his way up to the executive offices . there were n't many people around . he saw a few secretaries , who glanced wearily at him as he passed but not many others . he walked up to david freeman 's old office and sighed with delight . as he stepped through the doorway , he felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment .	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he 'd wondered now and again if she 'd known and that was part of the reason she 'd committed suicide . `` i still wanted to give her something she needed , '' liam said . `` i just did n't know what that was . '' `` in retrospect ... '' hammer sighed heavily . if i had , she would never have chosen the silent way out . '' `` but raine is n't juliet . granted , she may have one or two issues , but surely , if we put our shit aside for a bit and do what we should , they 're nothing too difficult to handle . '' `` the question is , can we put our shit aside ? '' hammer asked with brutal honesty . `` we have n't done a good job of that for a while . '' liam could n't disagree . if someone would have told him on his flight from new york to los angeles that he and his best friend would soon be at one another 's throats , he would have laughed himself silly . looking back over the past month , they 'd said-and done-things to hurt the other . he regretted the sad state their friendship had fallen into . hammer must also or else the man would have simply ceased speaking to him altogether . `` we 've been friends for much longer than we 've been enemies . '' `` and we 've shared before . '' hammer let out a tight breath . `` we know some of the warning signs to watch for . '' if we 're at all serious about this , we have to negotiate a few things . '' `` we 'll definitely talk to raine about our intentions , ask her for her hard limits and whatnot . but i do n't want to give her too much up front . the less she knows , the less she can prepare ways to sidestep us . '' and i already know raine 's hard limits . i asked her before i collared her . you and i need to negotiate our behavior . '' hammer 's voice turned chilly . liam refused to let the man 's tone change his agenda . `` first off , we ca n't help raine if we start fighting in the middle of a scene . '' `` at this point , i think that would be the worst thing for her . '' i also think you and i should have a word or phrase that will pause everything so we can discuss whatever 's happening . '' `` i still find raine 's hidden triggers now and again . we have to be mindful . '' hammer relaxed , seeming to see the train of his thoughts . she 's probably a damn landmine . the night i spent with her , i thought about doing so many things that i did n't because i worried i might step on some hot spot . '' `` i 've known raine for so long , but i do n't know this side of her . how does she do with restraints ? '' `` she loves them . '' as hammer reared back , liam shrugged . `` after seeing what her father did to her , i 'm a bit blown over too . but she hates gags . '' hammer laughed . liam joined in . if you let her , she 'll try to tell you what she wants in a scene . of course she sometimes talks herself out of a panic , too . you do n't always know what you 'll get with raine . she 's seemed leery of whips , so i have n't given that a go . i think riding crops are a big 'no ' for her , which is fine with me . she loves a good spanking . '' `` does she ever reach subspace ? '' `` surprisingly well , given her trust issues . it was n't easy at first , but over time , she 's become more comfortable . '' all this talk about hammer partaking in her submission was making his guts churn . but if he was going to give raine what she needed , he would have to grit his teeth and stifle his jealousy . macen swallowed down more coffee . `` how about if either of us says it 's time for a breath of fresh air , that will be our signal to pause and find another solution to the scene ? '' hammer hesitated for a long moment . `` you know , i think that 's a good idea . when we were with juliet , i sometimes took her further than you thought i should have , right ? '' at liam 's nod , he went on . `` i wish like hell i 'd asked your opinion and listened . she and i probably would have wound up divorced , but maybe she 'd be alive . '' `` you 've got a hard head , hammer . i do n't know that you 'll listen now , either . '' the man blew out a rough breath . `` i 've grown since then , but you 're right . sometimes that dark side of me wants to take over . having you to reel me in when that happens might be best . i do n't want to scare raine or damage our progress with her . 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tara jumped to mental attention . jordan was a dom-and clearly a smart one . unless she wanted him to figure her out and get suspicious , she 'd better stay on top of her game . master logan is my first dom . i 'm trying to learn , but i fear he 's ... losing interest in me . '' a nice add to their cover story . jordan instantly took the bait . `` i wo n't let you spend your time here alone . '' he picked up the pace down a long hallway , then used a key card to enter an elevator to a higher floor . inside the car , jordan caressed her hps with his thumbs , and tara felt his breath on the back of her neck as he nestled his hard cck against her ass . it was all she could do to stand there and let him touch her . when they emerged into a hall , it was empty , except the superplush decor . tara stopped in alarm . for all she knew , jordan was taking her to a deserted part of the resort to abduct her now . it 's not like she was wearing a gun with this getup-something she intended to talk to logan about if she got free . `` we 're almost there , sweet sub . '' `` i-i 'm afraid . '' she kept playing her shy almost-virgin card . `` the vip room . it 's a very special place where your fantasies can come true . tara 's stomach jumped . this definitely was a break , and she needed to stay in jordan 's good graces . he led her down to the end of the hallway , then used his key card to access a set of double steel doors . after they clicked open , he shoved them wide . before her was a bdsm heaven-or hell . three nakd men stood around a flushed brunette who was bound and blindfolded . tara tried not to let her jaw drop as they each took turns feeding their cocks into her mouth or psy . her tight brsts bobbed with every thrust . it was titillating and repelling at once , but she played along . `` this slave 's fantasy was to experience complete submission to strangers while her dom watches . i think they 're both enjoying it . '' with a glance across the room , tara spotted an older , very urbane man lounging in a recliner , watching the scene with a faint smile as he sipped a glass of brandy . in the chair beside him , another man watched . he looked more official , and she realized he wore the same black garb that jordan did , emblazoned with the resort 's logo in turquoise on the front . he also wore a matching tie . another dungeon master ? someone higher up the food chain ? the man looked her way , sized her up . tara had to resist the urge to take a step back . when jordan glanced at her , it was like he sized up a sex object he could n't wait to get his dick into . this man looked at her like a commodity he could n't wait to exploit . the brunette across the room gasped , then screamed , as if she were in pain . tara swung her gaze across the room , stunned to see the sub , now bent at the waist , taking the cck of yet another man , this one wearing a latex hood . his penis was blue at the head and enormous . she 'd never seen equipment that large on any guy . and he was ruthlessly shoving it into the woman , between her legs that had been tied obscenely wide apart . `` so innocent . '' `` she wants this . she enjoys the struggle of taking a man this size . '' given how painful it looked , she could n't imagine why . and the woman was going to fail . though the man pounded away at her , at least three inches of his cck remained outside her body . the woman 's well-dressed dom rose and doffed his dark blue blazer , sauntering across the room . he lifted her head to him by fisting a handful of her hair and yanking . `` do you like it , slave ? '' `` take more of his cock . you 've got inches to go . '' the words alone nearly made the woman come , given the way she gasped and moaned . the man behind her shoved more of his dick in her psy . her dom angled her head toward the man to her left , who rapidly stroked himself , then came in her open mouth . `` swallow , '' her dom demanded . she did , then groaned again when the other two men around her , also masturbating , came in fluid strokes across the smooth olive skin of her back . as they did , she arched and stuck her butt out . the stranger with the huge cck thrust even deeper into her p**sy , until most of it disappeared .	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so , you 're not buying in to all that , huh johnnie-boy ? that would sure be pleasin ' to your little jessica . she do n't like flirty women . '' johnnie clamped down on his back teeth . jessica was n't his , though he wished he had more of a say in that . mabel cocked her head and studied him . johnnie had quickly banked all expression , but it was too late . mabel had a keen eye . the look of sympathy in her eyes told him she 'd read his true sentiments before he 'd erased them off his face . and , since the governor to his mouth went the way of the show of emotions on his face , like a perfectly placed row of dominos expertly tapped , his next words tumbled out . `` she 's not my little jessica . it 's obvious she 's keen on our foreman . it 's not going well for her , though . wish i could help her , but she wo n't let me . '' stunned by his own atypical blanket of words , he pressed his traitorous lips together before any more words could slide on out . he squeezed his eyes shut to the regret of having spoken his mind to the cantankerous mabel , of all people . when silence ensued , johnnie opened his eyes . mabel had a dumbfounded look on her face . tiny crinkle lines seemed to have multiplied at the corners of her mouth and eyes as she squinted up at him . he had never spoken more than a handful of broken sentences to her before now , as had been his practice with everyone at harper ranch . keeping his pinkerton status a secret had n't been easy , but remaining taciturn had helped . his change of conduct seemed to have squelched the certain comeback mabel was known for . but , maybe the eruption was still forming . he knew when to shut-up . and now was a good time . the air grew thick as they held a silent stand-off . `` well , well , well , '' she finally started . `` so , our mystery man can speak . and pretty good too . and , seems ta me he 's keen on our little jessica too , eh ? '' blood drained from his face but he did n't utter a word . he guessed it was no surprise to anyone that he had feelings for jessica . since the day jessica had arrived from california to help her uncle 's cook , almost three months ago , johnnie had been affected . jessica was n't beautifulwas n't a bellewhich had been an immense relief to him . and , she had a calming effect about her that johnnie 's spirit seemed to lap up with a thirst he had yet to understand . it was her sweetness and love of god , he supposed . so different from the whirlwind of charming and beautiful women bent on chasing him . but , that was the past , he reminded himself . he 'd buried the past . and , with it , his inclination toward belles . the screen door flew open , jolting him out of his reflections . dozens of laughing , jawing men swung into mabel 's dining hall . johnnie was amazed at how the otherwise stoic cowboys he worked with every single day had instantly transformed into silly adolescents . silly , grinning adolescents . in the midst of them was the stunning womanrose marie swanson , walt had introduced her asbusily toying with each one of them . mabel 's face colored up , and seemed to be reddening by the minute . `` all right you tough cowpokes . you 've seen pretty girls b'fore , so sit yourselves down and let 's get you fed . i got better things to do than to wait for all that male interest to settle down . '' the group of men found a place for their eye-catching guest , visible to most of them . not once taking their eyes off rose marie , the cowboys scrambled for the seat next to hers . but , like children in a game of musical chairs , they only managed to sit on top of one another . they wrestled about , hollered profanities , then apologized to rose marie . eventually they gave up , much to johnnie 's relief , and sat wherever they found space . apparently , the pull of hunger finally won out . once served they ate hungrily , though the noise level never did die down . johnnie was embarrassed over the juvenile behavior these normally mature men presented . after supper , johnnie helped mabel serve apple pie . it was exactly what he needed , to successfully avoid rose marie through her next round of vying for male attention . serving the dessert to the cowpokes directly across from her would prove more of a challenge , but he believed in his ability to resist belles these days . unlike in his past , he was wiser and more guarded now .	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relax , if its tony , ill send him to the store for beer . i reassured her , wiping my hands quickly . i walked to the door straightening my hair , wondering about traces of the flour war i had with her a few minutes ago . when i opened the door , i came before a vaguely familiar face . it was not tony , but a gorgeous stranger who did not seem less surprised than i was . he was standing on the threshold , looking at me with sparkling eyes . he asked , with a wonderful , distracting smile . but ill get her for you . i said smiling back but realizing at the same moment that i was unable move at all , as i just could not take my eyes off him . he was tall and athletic , dressed in expensive loose , white linen pants and a light green , brand t- shirt . his hair , golden brown , enwreathed his wonderful face in a disheveled hair-do and his full lips were slightly curved downwards , in the shape of a heart . but what was most striking on him , was the deep blue of his large , almond shaped eyes , the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen . they had captured mine , subliminally influencing my thoughts , making me struggle to recollect a long lost memory aroused by the angelic visage before me . when i realized i had been staring at him , i felt my cheeks blush with embarrassment . i turned to get kate , but she was already behind me . im kate . she pushed me softly with her elbow , placing herself in front of me . i turned to hide into the kitchen , thinking what on earth was wrong with me . how could i have made such a fool of myself in front of that stranger ? i heard him talk to kate without paying attention because something was trying for a second time to sneak into my mind , a past memory , an obscure image i was not able to recall , like a scene of a forgotten , nostalgic dream . it had to do with those sparkling , deep blue eyes of his . but how could it be possible ? he was not the kind of man you would forget you have met . but still emma , can you come here please ? kate was calling me from the living room . when i got back there , he was standing with his back at me . emma , this is christopher , harrys roommate . remember harry telling us about the new tutor the other day ? harry was kates brother and member of the summer school staff . christopher turned towards me with an innocent smile , but his eyes were now slotted , as if he was estimating my reaction . i said , overtly surprised . his face had started to dazzle me again and i was at a loss for words . he certainly did not look like a tutor but rather like a model . his beautiful face , absolutely breathtaking , was blocking the function of my mind . they were both looking at me with obvious mystification now . this is really awkward , i thought . i should come up with something quickly . and i picked the wrong thing to say . i just thought you would be , you know , older . i regretted saying that immediately . how could i have said that ? well , may be i am older than you think . let me introduce myself properly . christopher auburn . he seemed amused by my bewildered attitude . but again his voice ; how could it be so familiar ? once again , the same dream-like memory was creeping into my mind . kate was giggling now and i realized he had his arm outstretched towards me , still waiting for a handshake . a mocking voice shouted in my head . he looked obviously amused by my childish reaction as he was still grinning broadly when i touched his hand . it was warm and his grasp felt firm and familiarly inviting to me . his expression changed instantly . he looked straight into my eyes , meditatively and with some concern for a long moment . then he went on , smiling knowingly . im sure i would have remembered that . he held my hand a little longer than he should in a normal handshake . or was i holding his ? kate was giggling again . he turned to her releasing my hand as his face became more serious . thank you for the keys , kate . i dont want you to destroy your dinner over me . she shouted running to the kitchen , alarmed by the smell of burnt food coming from it . ill see you two tomorrow then . he said , going for the door . just let us know if you need anything else ! kate shouted from the kitchen . the door closed behind him and i was left in a daze , staring into vacancy . when i got back to the kitchen , i found kate pouring some water in the pan with roast lamp , which now looked a little darker than the one in the picture of the cookery book . he looks like a greek god , doesnt he ? you had me worried for a minute , you know . she asked , rolling over the meat before putting it back into the oven . i felt likelike ive seen him before .	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now finally , as her coat blazed a beautiful shade of red beneath the bright sun , he 'd been able to capture the not-myth filly in flight . no one would believe him , of course . despite his evidence . photoshop and the tech-wonders of the movie industry had seen to that . he 'd already made his peace with that reality . however , he had other plans . a daring one at that . chapter thirty-four : running with it by rebecca gillan she was tiny , cute , and nothing but trouble . at least , that 's what myra kept telling herself . she 'd read every self-help book she could find on the internet about positive re-enforcement . you are what you believe you are . people will treat you the way you project yourself . picture yourself as you want others to see you . yeah , none of that really worked . to be honest , myra was n't entirely sure she had workable material . she had been told several times that she was adorable in a gawky nerd girl sort of way . and she was a bit clumsy and did tend to be getting into scrapes all the time , usually in ways that were a bit humiliating . the problem was that she was having a hard spinning that into something vaguely attractive . maybe she just was n't faking it hard enough . time to try being hot , young and exciting someplace new , where they did n't automatically pull out a first aid kit as soon as she walked in the door . fake it 'til ya make it , baby . she still had a couple months until her ten year high school reunion to transform herself from an awkward caterpillar to a glorious butterfly ! myra peered at the hole-in-the-wall honky tonk bar through the fogged over windows of her camry warily . they were fogged over because she 'd been sitting here in the parking lot , talking herself into giving this one more try for the last forty-five minutes . i was n't going so well . maybe she should go back to her usual bar . surely they would n't actually pull out the first aide kit again . it was n't like it was her fault that someone had needed a butterfly bandage every time she visited . she had only been at the bozeman bar and grill for fifteen minutes when those drunk tourists got into an argument that resulted in a broken beer bottle and a slashed palm . she had n't even talked to them , for crying out loud ! and no way could hank , the bar 's owner pin that bar fight the month before on her . this bar in talbot 's peak would probably be much better anyway . for starters , it was n't owned by her sister 's ex-high school flame . why , she 'd be willing to bet that no one person here had ever even heard of myra mazeltov ! with that though firmly fixed in her mind , myra opened the door of her car and stepped out . right into the path of a rampaging mastodon . as she sat quietly sobbing in the back of an ambulance while a totally hunky emt used a whole box of butterfly bandages to close up the multiple cuts in her scalp , myra had to admit that maybe she was the one to blame for all her misfortune . after all , only she could get run over by an extinct species of pachyderm in the parking lot of a bar in montana ... chapter thirty-five : armed and dangerous by pat cunningham the human kid behind the counter at the sporting goods store barely glanced up from his texting when ewan and deuce burst in . `` help you gents ? '' `` we need an elephant gun , '' ewan said . ewan pointed out the window . `` for the elephant . '' that got the kid 's mind off his cell . he pressed his face to the window and gawped at the mutated mammoth wading through , or in most cases on top of , the slew of cars stalled out on the two-lane , while their drivers wisely fled on foot . by now the police had arrived . the cop cars hung well back . there was n't much they could do against this sort of traffic hazard . meanwhile , ewan and deuce did a quick inventory of the gun racks . `` is this all you got ? '' ewan called . where are the assault rifles ? '' `` you 're a gun store in america . you 're supposed to have assault rifles . the right to bear arms and blow shit up and all that . '' the kid wrenched his gawp away from the window . `` we do n't carry those . just regular hunting gear . i mean , since when does montana have elephants ? '' obviously the kid had never ventured into talbot 's peak itself . ewan assessed and mentally discarded the array of rifles , compound bows , hunting knives and other sportsmen 's implements of mass game destruction . nothing here would pack enough wallop to even put a dent in the former freddie le douche .	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i was just curious because daisy never once asked about her mom or spoke of her today . that was odd to me . growing up , when i was sick i always wanted my mom . i could n't understand why she never asked for hers . '' i laid my head back against the wall and tilted it so i could look at amanda . she was worried and clearly upset . i was enlightening her about a world she did n't know existed , and that world was n't even the worst part about me . `` you are the first woman to ever spend any time with daisy . my mother is either drunk , asleep , or gone . daisy is raised by jimmy when they 're home . i make sure the bills stay paid and the kids have food . then , like you saw today , if someone gets sick , i handle it . '' `` oh god , that makes my chest hurt , '' amanda whispered , rubbing the ball of her hand over her heart . `` i want to go cuddle up to daisy and hold her . no wonder jimmy acts twenty instead of eleven . '' i reached over and pulled her hand away from her chest . `` they 'll be okay . i am , and i did n't have any older siblings to help me out . i made it without anyone . do n't get upset over it . they are n't the only kids growing up in this exact same situation . '' amanda 's eyes held unshed tears as she tried real hard to keep her bottom lip from quivering . i 'd made her cry . i had n't told her all that to make her cry . i 'd just answered her questions . i 'd let her into my screwed-up life a little . more than i 'd ever let anyone in . `` you 're the only person i 've ever told about the kids and my mom . i 've never even told your brother . '' amanda pressed her lips together tightly and nodded . she was still trying very hard not to cry . her soft heart could n't handle this . if she even knew a little bit of what my mom had done to those kids and me , she 'd never be able to deal with it . `` come here , '' i said gently as i reached for her arms and pulled her against my chest . amanda going willingly into preston 's arms probably was n't real smart , but at that moment , i just did n't care . i could n't go hold jimmy and brent , but i could hold him . and tomorrow i would give daisy every second of my attention when i was n't in classes . i might even skip them just so i could stay here . she 'd be going back to her mom soon . the idea of her being neglected was painful . `` i 'm sorry i told you all this , '' preston whispered against my hair as he held me tightly to him . i was n't sorry . he 'd let me in . it was something i 'd wanted . however , when i 'd wanted in , i 'd had no idea i was going to find this out . images of preston over the years kept flashing through my mind . when i 'd met him , he 'd been a skinny kid with hair so long he kept it in a ponytail . even in his faded jeans and worn-out t-shirt i could n't help but think he was beautiful . but i 'd wondered why his mother let him look like that . for letting me help today . i know i 'm reacting to this like the spoiled brat that i am , but i 'm trying to process it . i want to go take them all away from your mom and keep them close . make sure they have proper haircuts and clean clothes . '' preston 's chest rumbled with laughter , and i looked up at him . `` proper haircuts and clean clothes ? '' he asked , grinning down at me . `` i keep remembering the first time i saw you . your hair was ridiculously long , and your clothes were so worn out . it did n't take away from the fact that you were the most gorgeous boy i 'd ever seen , but still ... ... '' oh , crap . preston titled his head to the side and studied me a moment . `` you thought i was gorgeous ? '' sighing , i started to pull back from his arms , but he held me firmly in place . `` answer me , '' he whispered , lowering his head so that his mouth was very close to my ear . preston slid a hand down my back until he had a firm grip on my waist , and then he pulled me up higher against his chest . `` maybe i do n't know that , '' he replied , reaching with his other hand to cup my face and brush his thumb over my cheekbone . `` maybe i 'm trying to figure out why you want anything to do with me . '' `` i 've had a crush on you since i was sixteen . surely you know this .	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the jase owens i 've heard about is a major player and always ... '' she pauses , biting her bottom lip . `` always what ? '' her cheeks blush the prettiest shade of pink . and on her fair skin , there 's no denying her embarrassment . `` horny , '' she finishes . i crack a slight grin . `` well that part 's true , babe . '' her eyes widen just slightly . a sudden knock on my bedroom door interrupts our silence . `` hey man , '' a muffled voice calls through the door . i 'm sure he 's been briefed that i 'm up here with a girl , so there must be a significant reason for him to interrupt . his gaze registers avery perched on the side of my bed like she 's ready to bolt , but his eyes slip past her to me . he does n't recognize her from saturday night . not surprising , given he was drunk off his ass . `` stacia 's here , '' he says . avery 's head turns to me , clearly wondering who stacia is . trey chuckles . `` come out and deal with her pretty ass . '' `` fuck man , tell her i 'm with someone . '' `` you know she 'll just wait . that girl 's got no shame . '' `` okay , tell her to come up . '' chapter 4 avery hiding behind that dumpster seemed important at the time - i could n't have someone from my past spotting me , so i 'd dived for cover . but now , awaiting someone named stacia , i question what in the hell i 'm doing in jase 's bedroom . i do n't follow guys home . i certainly do n't make myself at home on their beds . this is just asking for trouble . and now clearly he has a girlfriend , which makes me look like an even bigger idiot . trey leaves and jase makes no move to explain . since it 's too late to escape , i wait . a few seconds later , we hear footsteps climbing the stairs to the attic . a petite girl with long blond hair rounds the corner and her megawatt smile fades as soon as she sees jase is n't alone . hey , jase , '' she recovers and leans down to plant a kiss against his cheek . god , could this be more awkward ? jase , having perfected his bored-with-life look , nods once at her and then flicks his gaze to mine . `` this is avery . avery , this is stacia . '' stacia turns , but her smile was only reserved for jase because it fades as she takes me in . there 's something she hates about me being up here with jase , and the inner bitch inside me enjoys that fact . this girl just reeks of fake , and i 'm instantly not a fan . `` i did n't know you had someone over . '' stacia 's voice goes soft as she turns to jase . his voice is cool , unemotional . this ca n't be his girlfriend . otherwise , he 's a real a**hole . of course i 'm dying to know who she is , but i wo n't ask . not sure i could handle hearing that right now . jase has treated me with nothing but kindness and respect , and i sort of want to continue thinking the best of him . stacia lifts one shoulder , then drops it and i ca n't help but notice the way her chest sticks out when she does . the move is practiced , beyond obvious . god , this girl is annoying me in all of thirty seconds . before the awkward silence has time to fully descend on us , stacia bounds over toward me . literally ceases to beat in my chest . i hope to god she has no idea why i look familiar . i pull in a breath and shrug , working to convince myself it 's just a coincidence . desperately needing to change the subject , i ask , `` how do you and jase know each other ? '' jase answers for her . `` ex-girlfriend . '' `` yeah , some days i 'm his ex-girlfriend , some days i 'm ... what am i exactly , jase , on those nights you call me and beg me to come over ? '' `` you wish , stacia . '' she laughs , her mouth curving into a victorious smile . `` kay , jase . '' jase rises from the chair , watching her with guarded eyes , like she 's a wild and unpredictable animal . stacia laughs again , nervously this time . `` i can see you 're trying to impress your new friend , so i 'll go . '' his jaw tenses as he bites back whatever he wants to say . he steers stacia by the elbow toward the door . `` avery and i need to study . '' stacia pouts but lets him guide her out into the hall . once the door is firmly shut , i look at jase . `` are you sure it 's okay i 'm here ? '' he laughs uneasily and crosses the room toward me .	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he breathed over her mouth , `` perfect , now it 's time to eat . '' she shifted uncomfortably on her feet . if he could see her eyes he would imagine them rolling right about now . `` i 'll lead you to your seat . she smiled and with sudden eagerness leaned forward , dangerously close to his face . god must favor him above all men . he sent up a silent prayer and arranged the dishes on the table . `` you get to taste each treat , but in order to get the next treat you have to name the one you 're tasting . '' he lifted a strawberry to her lips . he asked , leaning in . `` that 's easy ; it 's a strawberry . '' `` very good , '' he praised . `` the next one is a bit harder . he lifted a piece of chocolate to her mouth and watched as she licked her lips around it . '' she licked her lips , driving him crazy . `` i knew you 'd be good at this game , '' he laughed . `` now this is going to be a little bit harder for you . '' he lifted up a small cake to her mouth and watched her bite in . he had never been more envious of cake in his life . crumbs went everywhere as she wiped her mouth clean with her tongue . `` hmm , this one tastes like a fairy cake ? '' `` you , my darling , know your foods very well . now for the main event ! this should be your favorite treat ; in fact , i hope it will be . lean in very closely . '' he watched as she leaned her entire body over the table . he nearly swore as her gown continued to cling to her curves . finally , she was as close to him as he needed . `` now tell me what this is . '' he leaned in carefully and ran his tongue over her lips . they tasted of sugar and chocolate and of actual perfection . he kissed her fervently , allowing his tongue to slip into her mouth ever so gently . `` do you have your guess ? '' `` i do believe that was nicholas renwick . '' `` i need another taste , '' she whispered . `` of course , '' he answered , then pulled her around the table into his arms . it did n't take long for him to tear off the outer robe of her night rail . in his haste , he forgot to take off her blindfold . he quickly removed it and gazed into her beautiful eyes . `` you 're beautiful , '' he proclaimed in a ragged breath . `` as are you , '' she answered , pulling off his coat and un-tucking his shirt . how had he , nicholas renwick , managed to marry such a beautiful and willing wife ? he laughed and he threw her onto his massive bed . `` i do believe , '' he said in between kisses , `` that i have half a mind to make you my wife right about now . '' sara pulled his body over hers and kissed him passionately . and then nicholas laughed , releasing all of the anxiety he felt earlier in the day . of course being with sara would be like this . a night filled with games , laughter , and passion . he only wished he could offer her his love . in the back of his mind he could almost hear a voice telling him that it was fine to let his guard down , to love this woman completely . the same voice telling him to give his heart away was the exact same voice that also reminded him of what happened the last time he gave his heart away . not only were bad choices made , but he ruined a marriage , all because of his passions . it was n't truly possible for him to give a part of himself to someone when those parts were still wallowing in guilt from the first round of love . he kissed down the nape of her neck . he heard her moan and immediately responded by removing any obstacles of clothing in the way . he wanted her like he 'd never wanted anyone in his life , but he felt he needed to warn her . `` sara , this may be ... '' `` i 'm not stupid , '' she supplied . and that was all nicholas needed . he spent the rest of the night teaching sara what it was really like to be one with someone . it was n't until early in the morning , with sara 's body sprawled across him , that he realized the repercussions of his actions . if she annulled this marriage he would n't be able to go on . he had forgotten the sweet ecstasy of sharing one 's body with another . and what if she were to bear him a child ? he prayed for god to show him mercy and at least help him to sleep while the questions still loomed in his mind . sara woke up refreshed , energized , and should she admit happy ? the night before had surpassed even her wildest imaginations . nicholas had taken his time with her , although she knew how difficult it had been for him . he was after her pleasure before his own ; she wanted to return the favor but upon waking found him nowhere to be found .	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the atmosphere was one of watchfulness , though , rather than immediate battle-readiness , and there was no more than a general stir of interest when jamie returned , gideon threading his way past the campfires with surprising delicacy . `` how is it , mac dubh ? '' kenny asked , standing to greet him as jamie reined up . `` anything ado ? '' he was dressed with a neatness approaching severity , hair clubbed back , dirk and pistols fixed on his belt , sword at his side . a yellow cockade fixed to his coat was the only touch of decoration . battle-ready , and a small frisson crept up my spine at the thought . `` the governor 's sent across his wee letter to the regulators . four sheriffs each took a copy ; they 're to read it out to every group they come across . we must just wait , and see what happens . '' i followed his glance toward the third campfire . roger had likely left as soon as it was light , before the camp woke . i had emptied the buckets into the kettle for boiling . i picked them up for another trip to the stream , when gideon 's ears pricked and he lifted his head suddenly , with a sharp whicker of greeting . jamie instantly nudged the horse in front of me , and his hand dropped to his sword . my view was blocked by gideon 's enormous chest and withers ; i could n't see who was coming , but i did see jamie 's hand relax its grip on the sword-hilt as whoever it was came in sight . a friend , then . or if not precisely a friend , at least someone he did n't mean to run through or hack out of the saddle . i heard a familiar voice , raised in greeting , and peered out from under gideon 's chin to see governor tryon riding across the small meadow , accompanied by two aides . tryon sat his horse decently , if without great style , and was dressed as usual for campaigning , in a serviceable blue uniform coat and doeskin breeches , a yellow officer 's cockade in his hat , and with one of the cavalry cutlasses called a hanger at his side-not for show ; the hilt showed nicks and the scabbard was worn . tryon pulled up his horse and nodded , touching his hat to jamie , who did likewise . seeing me lurking in gideon 's shadow , the governor politely removed his cocked hat altogether , bowing from the saddle . `` mrs. fraser , your servant . '' he glanced at the pails i held , then turned in his saddle , beckoning to one of the aides . `` mr. vickers . kindly help mrs. fraser , if you will . '' i surrendered the pails gratefully to mr. vickers , a pink-cheeked young man of eighteen or so , but instead of going with him , i simply directed him where to take them . tryon raised one eyebrow at me , but i returned his expression of mild displeasure with a bland smile , and stood my ground . he was wise enough to recognize that , and make no issue of my presence . dismissing me instead from his cognizance , he nodded again to jamie . `` your troops are in order , colonel fraser ? '' he glanced pointedly around . the only troops visible at the moment were kenny , who had his nose buried in his cup , and murdo lindsay and geordie chisholm , who were engaged in a vicious game of mumblety-peg in the shadows of the copse . the governor raised both brows in patent skepticism . `` call them , sir . i will inspect their readiness . '' jamie paused for a moment , gathering up his reins . he squinted against the rising sun , evaluating the governor 's mount . `` a nice gelding ye have there , sir . is he steady ? '' jamie threw back his head and gave a ululating highland cry , of the sort meant to be heard over several acres of mountainside . the governor 's horse jerked at the reins , eyes rolling back . militiamen poured out of the thicket , shrieking like banshees , and a black cloud of crows exploded from the trees above them like a puff of cannon smoke , raucous in flight . the horse reared , decanting tryon in an undignified heap on the grass , and bolted for the trees on the far side of the meadow . i took several steps backward , out of the way . the governor sat up , purple-faced and gasping for breath , to find himself in the center of a ring of grinning militiamen , all pointing their weapons at him . the governor glared into the barrel of the rifle poking into his face and batted it away with one hand , making small choking noises , like an angry squirrel . jamie cleared his throat in a meaningful manner , and the men faded quietly back into the copse .	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his hands were less sure on her dress , but it came away as well , off over her head , and was cast aside , leaving tessa in her chemise and corset . she went motionless , shocked at being so undressed in front of anyone but sophie , and will took a wild look at her corset that was only part desire . `` how- , '' he said . `` does it come off ? '' tessa could n't help herself ; despite everything , she giggled . `` it laces , '' she whispered . and she guided his hands around her until his fingers were on the strings of the corset . she shivered then , and not from cold but from the intimacy of the gesture . will pulled her against him , gentle now , and kissed the line of her throat again , and her shoulder where the chemise bared it , his breath soft and hot against her skin until she was breathing just as hard , her hands smoothing up and over his shoulders , his arms , his sides . she kissed the white scars the marks had left on his skin , winding herself around him until they were a heated tangle of limbs and she was swallowing down the gasps he made against her mouth . `` tess-if you want to stop- '' she shook her head silently . the fire in the grate had nearly burned down again ; will was all angles and shadows and soft and hard skin against her . his finger traced the outline of her mouth . `` for this i would have been damned forever . for this i would have given up everything . '' she felt the burn behind her eyes , the pressure of tears , and blinked wet eyelashes . `` will ... '' `` dw i'n dy garu di am byth , '' he said . and he moved to cover her body with his own . late in the night or early in the morning , tessa woke . the fire had burned down entirely , but the room was lit by the peculiar torchlight that seemed to go on and off without rhyme or reason . she drew back , propping herself on her elbow . will was asleep beside her , immured in the unmoving slumber of the utterly exhausted . he looked at peace , though-more so than she had ever seen him before . his breath was regular , his eyelashes fluttering slightly in dreams . she had fallen asleep with her head on his arm , the clockwork angel , still around her throat , resting against his shoulder , just to the left of his collarbone . as she moved away , the clockwork angel slipped free and she saw to her surprise that where it had lain against his skin it had left a mark behind , no bigger than a shilling , in the shape of a pale white star . chapter 20 the infernal devices like wire-pulled automatons , slim silhouetted skeletons went sidling through the slow quadrille , then took each other by the hand , and danced a stately saraband ; their laughter echoed thin and shrill . -oscar wilde , `` the harlot 's house '' `` it 's beautiful , '' henry breathed . the shadowhunters of the london institute-along with magnus bane-stood in a loose half circle in the crypt , staring at one of the bare stone walls-or , more precisely , at something that had appeared on one of the bare stone walls . it was a glowing archway , about ten feet in height , and perhaps five across in width . it was not carved into the stone but rather was made of glowing runes that twined into one another like the vines of a trellis . the runes were not from the gray book-gabriel would have recognized them if they had been-but were runes he had never seen before . they had the foreign look of another language , yet each was distinct and beautiful and spoke a murmuring song of travel and distance , of whirling dark space and the distance between worlds . they glowed green in the darkness , pale and acidic . within the space created by the runes the wall was not visible-only darkness , impenetrable , as if of a great dark pit . `` it truly is amazing , '' magnus said . all but the warlock were dressed in their gear and were bristling with weapons-gabriel 's favorite double-edged longsword was slung over his back , and he was itching to get his gloved hands on the hilt . though he liked the bow and arrow , he had been trained in the longsword by a master who could trace his own masters back to lichtenauer , and gabriel fancied the longsword his specialty . besides , a bow and arrow would be much less use against automatons than a weapon that could chop them into component parts . `` all down to you , magnus , '' henry said . he was glowing-or , gabriel thought , it could have been the reflection of the lighted runes against his face . `` not at all , '' magnus replied . `` if not for your genius , this could never have been created . 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he turns , smiles up at her , and it is there , in his eyes , the love , the welcome , the need she 's seen so many times and-until now-always taken for granted . mikaela laughed . she knew it was an inappropriate response , but she could n't help herself . the joy inside her was so big , so dizzyingly unexpected , that she would n't have been surprised to look down and see that she was floating . `` come here , jacey . '' mikaela clung to her daughter . `` oh , mom ... i was afraid- '' `` shhh . she stroked jacey 's hair . `` i know , baby ... '' it came to her then , wrapped in the scent of her daughter 's hair , caught in the sticky dampness of tears , and mikaela laughed and cried at the same time . `` oh ... there it is ! i remember your first day of school . you wore a black corduroy jumper and carried a fraggle rock lunch box . you would n't get on the bus without me , so i went with you . i was the only mom there . '' jacey drew back and smiled up at her . `` oh , jace , i love you , too , and i 'm so sorry for ev- '' the door burst open . bret and rosa stood in the doorway . `` he thought that jacey had enough time . '' mikaela kissed jacey 's damp cheek and drew back . bret stood motionless , his arms belted to his sides , his little hands curled into fists . his mouth was trembling and there was a look of fear in his eyes . this fear and uncertainty , he 'd learned recently . the boy she 'd raised was fearless ... not this hesitant child . the smile she gave him was weak and watery , and she could see that it scared him more . it was n't her smile at all . she started to cry ; there was no way to stop it . she knelt in front of him and opened her arms . `` so , how 's my favorite boy in the whole world ? '' he screamed `` mommy ! '' and flung himself into her waiting arms so hard that they toppled backward . she lay there on the ugly linoleum floor , squeezing her son until neither one of them could breathe . `` i love you , bretster , '' she whispered against his small , pink ear . he buried his face in the crook of her neck . she felt , more than heard , his broken voice when he whispered back , `` i love you , too , mommy . '' at last they drew apart and climbed awkwardly to their knees . mikaela 's weak right leg was trembling so badly , she could n't get to her feet . she stayed kneeling , unable to let go of bret 's hand . over his head , she looked at rosa , who was crying now , too . mikaela sniffled . `` too bad we ca n't sell all this water to the californians . '' it was what liam always said when mikaela cried over a stupid movie . `` so , kiddo , what 's new with you ? '' `` sally may randle has a crush on me . she smells bad , but she 's sorta pretty . '' mikaela laughed , mesmerized by the ordinariness of it , seized by a sudden hope . maybe , with time , they could all find their way out of the woods and back onto the main road . she asked bret . bret bit his lip and did n't answer . rosa looked down at mikaela . `` he did not come . '' `` he 's at home , '' bret said . `` i think he 's sad 'cause you did n't remember him . '' mikaela grabbed the bed rail and dragged herself to a stand . she looked at rosa . `` take the kids home , mama . i 'm going to check out of the hospital and meet you there . '' rosa frowned . `` the doctors say- '' `` i do n't care . '' she started to say more , then changed her mind . `` please , mama , take them home . rosa swallowed hard . `` what are you going to do , mikita ? '' `` please , mama . '' but , mikaela , stay away from the front doors . the reporters , they are waiting for you . '' jacey moved toward mikaela . `` i do n't want to leave you , mom . '' `` there 's nothing to be afraid of anymore , honey . mikaela smiled . after they left , mikaela decided not to bother checking out of the hospital right now . there would be time enough for technicalities tomorrow . she called for a cab , then carefully packed up all the photographs from the bedside tables and windowsills . at the last minute , she folded up her hospital gown and placed it gently on top of the things in the suitcase-to remind her always of this time .	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she glanced gratefully over , this time allowing him to rescue her . she pushed herself from the couch and slid her shaking hands into the pockets of her jeans to disguise how traumatized she still was by the past weeks . to her utter shock , terrence stood , towering over her briefly before he pulled her into a huge bear hug . she stood there plastered against the big man 's chest , mouth open as he squeezed the breath from her . touched by the show of support , she slowly put her arms around him and returned the hug . he swiped a big hand down her back and then patted her awkwardly on the shoulder as he pulled away . `` you 're a tough nut , miss grace , '' he said gruffly . `` do n't ever let anyone tell you different . '' `` thank you , terrence . rio cooks some good stuff when he 's home in his kitchen . '' she allowed terrence to lead her into the kitchen and up to the large island with barstool seating . she glanced around , having just given everything a cursory once-over last night . it was indeed a dream kitchen . a chef 's kitchen , she believed they were called . top-of-the-line appliances . a huge , six-burner gas stove . double oven . stainless everything . she 'd spent time in the mountains under the worst conditions possible with these men . rio was a badass . a dark , brooding type that looked like no one ever dared cross him . obviously a fan of creature comforts , judging by the custom home , the appliances and all the luxury items . the bedding alone was simply to die for . she had n't stayed in hotels that had better linens . rio was obviously someone who liked to live well when he was n't out saving the world and getting shot at . it was hard to reconcile this man standing before her with the man who 'd carried her all over a mountain tied to his back . terrence seated her on a stool close to the end and then took the one next to her . there was only one left on the other side of her , which she assumed was for rio , since the othe rs were all claimed by his team members . rio put a plate in front of her and the scent wafted through her nostrils . her stomach immediately growled and she closed her eyes , savoring just being able to sit down and enjoy a meal in the comfort of a home . rio slid onto the stool beside her after serving the others and glanced over . `` eat up , '' he said gently . `` as soon as you 're done , i 'll try to get shea on the phone for you . '' chapter 17 the meal was rather simple . baked chicken , vegetables and rice deep > she , with hot rolls straight out of the oven . but for grace it was the closest she 'd come to having a normal meal in longer than she could remember . she savored the sheer mundaneness of sitting there , cutting into her chicken , the burst of warmth and flavor on her tongue . she purposely took her time , not wanting to hurry the moment . it was probably a sign that she really had lost her mind that she was taking such pleasure in drawing out a meal . but for her , it was like christmas and thanksgiving all rolled into one . all that it lacked was shea . remembering what rio had promised her , she dug into her food more rapidly , not wanting to waste a single bite . she was already full , but she was compelled to eat it all . going for so long without food made a person not take a meal for granted when they finally got one . when the last bite was consumed , she looked up to see that the men had already finished and were staring oddly at her . it made her self-conscious and she pushed the plate away , her cheeks warm under their scrutiny . `` that was really good , rio . he continued to look at her , his lips set firm . he inclined his head to the side , motioning for the others to leave . when they were gone , he took her plate and the others and stacked them in the sink . then he glanced up , catching her gaze and holding it for a long moment . `` i mean really ate , grace . i watched you last night and now today and you never once looked away from your food . it was as if you were afraid it was going to get up and walk off your plate . '' she bit into her bottom lip and ducked her head to avoid his scrutiny . even since i saw you in that surveillance footage . you were lean and toned . you had more muscle mass . you look like they damn near starved you . '' his words stung even though she knew he had n't meant them to be demeaning . like someone who 'd been as close to death as one could be without sliding all the way into the grave . there were times when she swore she felt the cool earth cover her and darkness surround her . it was all in her mind .	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it had taken some time for the highlanders in their camps to rouse themselves and stagger down the hillside , and the piper had gone quite purple in the face before he at last blew the final blast and left off with a discordant wheeze . the echoes were still ringing off the mountainside , as lieutenant archibald hayes stepped out before his men . lieutenant hayes 's nasal fife accent carried well , and the wind was with him . still , i was sure the people farther up the mountain could hear very little . standing as we did at the foot of the slope , though , we were no more than twenty yards from the lieutenant and i could hear every word , in spite of the chattering of my teeth . `` by his excellency , william tryon , esquire , his majesty 's captain-general , governor , and commander-in-chief , in and over the said province , '' hayes read , lifting his voice in a bellow to carry above the noises of wind and water , and the premonitory murmurs of the crowd . the moisture shrouded trees and rocks with dripping mist , the clouds spat intermittent sleet and freezing rain , and erratic winds had lowered the temperature by some thirty degrees . my left shin , sensitive to cold , throbbed at the spot where i had broken the bone two years before . a person given to portents and metaphors might have been tempted to draw comparisons between the nasty weather and the reading of the governor 's proclamation , i thought-the prospects were similarly chill and foreboding . `` whereas , '' hayes boomed , glowering at the crowd over his paper , `` i have received information that a great number of outrageous and disorderly persons did tumultuously assemble themselves together in the town of hillsborough , on the 24th and 25th of last month , during the sitting of the superior court of justice of that district to oppose the just measures of government and in open violation of the laws of their country , audaciously attacking his majesty 's associate justice in the execution of his office , and barbarously beating and wounding several persons in and during the sitting of said court , and offering other enormous indignities and insults to his majesty 's government , committing the most violent outrages on the persons and properties of the inhabitants of the said town , drinking damnation to their lawful sovereign king george and success to the pretender- '' hayes paused , gulping air with which to accomplish the next clause . inflating his chest with an audible whoosh , he read on : `` to the end therefore , that the persons concerned in the said outrageous acts may be brought to justice , i do , by the advice and consent of his majesty 's council , issue this my proclamation , hereby requiring and strictly enjoining all his majesty 's justices of the peace in this government to make diligent inquiry into the above recited crimes , and to receive the deposition of such person or persons as shall appear before them to make information of and concerning the same ; which depositions are to be transmitted to me , in order to be laid before the general assembly , at new bern , on the 30th day of november next , to which time it stands prorogued for the immediate dispatch of public business . '' a final inhalation ; hayes 's face was nearly as purple as the piper 's by now . `` given under my hand , and the great seal of the province , at new bern , the 18th day of october , in the 10th year of his majesty 's reign , anno domini 1770 . `` signed , william tryon , '' hayes concluded , with a final puff of steamy breath . `` do you know , '' i remarked to jamie , `` i believe that was all one single sentence , bar the closing . amazing , even for a politician . '' `` hush , sassenach , '' he said , his eyes still fixed on archie hayes . there was a subdued rumble from the crowd behind me , of interest and consternation-touched with a certain amount of amusement at the phrases regarding treasonous toasts . this was a gathering of highlanders , many of them exiled to the colonies in the wake of the stuart rising , and had archie hayes chosen to take official notice of what was said over the cups of ale and whisky passed round the fires the night before ... but then , he had but forty soldiers with him , and whatever his own opinions of king george and that monarch 's possible damnation , he kept them wisely to himself . some four hundred highlanders surrounded hayes 's small beachhead on the creekbank , summoned by the tattoo of drums . men and women sheltered among the trees above the clearing , plaids and arisaids pulled tight against the rising wind . they too were keeping their own counsel , judging from the array of stony faces visible under the flutter of scarves and bonnets . of course , their expressions might derive from cold as much as from natural caution ; my own cheeks were stiff , the end of my nose had gone numb , and i had n't felt my feet anytime since daybreak .	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i have the shackles picked out and everything . theyre purple , by the way , just because i know youd like them a little bit more than plain metal ones . im pretty sure it doesnt matter what color the shackles are , youre going to have a huge fight on your hand if you ever try to put them on me , i said , looking over at the clock . hey , sweetie , this has been fun , but i better start supper , so nate can eat when he gets home . you know how grumpy he can be when hes hungry . okay , ill see you soon . try to be good until then . ill try , but im not making any promises . it felt like we ended too many of our conversations with me vowing to stay out of trouble . i hurried to the kitchen and pieced together supper . i was glad i decided on something that i could rush through . taking my time , i couldve made it comfortably within an hour . in hurry up mode , i shaved fifteen minutes off the time . after walking in and using his honey , im home line again , we relaxed for a few minutes on the sectional before dinner . did you find anything interesting today ? i didnt get a feeling he was brimming with good news to share . no , nothing new . i may not even go in tomorrow . i dont think were going to find anything within the tank . even scanning through thoughts hasnt given me something i feel is concrete enough to focus in on a person . i did a little surfing in hanks and erics heads today . hank was pretty boring , but eric had some interesting thoughts about being excited to leave this town in the near future and some new shell hed been working on . the question would be whether hes selling secrets to fund his little side project , i relayed , filling him in the little bit of investigation id gotten done . he wasnt around the office much today , and i hadnt heard any thoughts like that the previous times i listened in . of course , i do try to stay out of his mind . it wanders to a certain butterfly tattoo more than i like . i guess maybe ill go in tomorrow and see if i can dig anything up on him . if not , when we turn the case over , hell be the number one suspect . anything else fun happen today ? it doesnt look like you were bored enough to try to peel the paint from the walls . i was saving that for tomorrow . i talked to rick for a little while and learned he has shackles picked out for me , but he reassured me that theyre for my own good . other than that and the fact hes interested in seeing what knife was in the box , the conversation didnt reveal anything new . okay , lets eat supper then and maybe watch a movie before we head to bed , nate suggested as he stood up and helped me find my feet . we ate quickly and ended up watchinga pair of cartoon movies . we both wanted a laugh and nothing makes you laugh like a panda not knowing his goose father isnt his biological father . after the movies , we called it a night . i fell asleep hoping nate was able to turn up something on eric , so our mission could end successfully . nate didnt have a lot of blemishes on his track record , and i didnt want our first case to be a failure . i kept complaining about wanting to leave and everyone driving me insane , but if i thought we had a chance of tying things up , id stay a little longer . chapter 26 if youre smart , you run the other way when he tries to put a ring on it we managed to wake up at the same time the next morning . a few moments were possibly spent with me staring into his eyes as his fingertips danced around the edges of my face . it was really frustrating that i didnt remember us waking up the same way for centuries . it was clear how easy things could be between us when i lowered my walls , which led me to believe that my body remembered more than my mind did . nate smiled down at me and winked before rolling out of bed . as nate took a shower , i popped a few cinnamon rolls in the microwave . i carried the plate out to the dining room and started chomping while i waited for nate . when he made it to the dining room he said , mmm , i love your cinnamon rolls . ill have to leave you home alone more often . he grabbed one and took a bite as his eyes rolled back in his head . well , when i get my new kitchen , i might just decide to make them more often . i did a little searching yesterday and found a couple apartments i might like . good , im glad youre on board with the move . ill set up a time for us to visit your picks when we get back . anne and ettie will be expecting you at etties at ten . she lives two blocks over in a light green house . he jotted down the address on a piece of paper for me .	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she twisted against him , opening her thighs wider , letting her body speak for her . with a hard thrust , he buried himself fully , his hps meeting against hers , stretching her small body to the point she did n't know if she could handle him . her stomach tensed as she took his entire girth , her body trying to adjust . his eyes closed as he moved backward , before thrusting forward again , his thick shaft easily sliding in and out of her wet core . `` so wet , you 're so wet , '' he groaned . that did it for her . as he slammed hard back inside her , his shaft buried to the hilt , his skin rubbing against her sensitive flesh , she fell apart , her body exploding as pleasure washed through her , wave after wave of unbelievable pleasure . it went on and on , her body clenching around him , the feel of his hard manhood inside her , intensifying the orgasm . when the tremors finally slowed , she opened her eyes and looked into austin 's . his face was tense , sweat dripping from his brow , down his cheeks . his teeth were locked together , and fire was burning in his eyes . she realized he was very gently moving in and out of her body , prolonging her own pleasure even though it was obviously painful for him . her heart nearly exploded as it pounded . she was losing her carefully created wall , falling for him , falling hard . `` your turn , '' she said as she pulled his face to hers , lifting her hps to greet his next thrust into her . he did n't say anything as his lips greedily took hers , his tongue mimicking the movement of his hips , thrusting in and out of her , faster and faster . with one hand , he reached beneath her hip , gripping her butt in his hand , pulling against her harder with each downward movement . as he pushed into her , she felt her stomach tighten , her body building up pressure again . she did n't know how it was possible , but she was on the brink of intense pleasure again . her n**ples strained into his hard , dark chest , her core pulsed against his solid steel . she reached for the sky , seeking ... needing ... `` yes , kinsey , '' he cried as he pushed hard into her , his full weight sinking on top of her . she felt him pulsing inside her as he groaned , and that sent her back over the top . she cried out with him as the rest of the world ceased to exist . only pleasure lingered . kinsey drifted between consciousness and sleep , barely acknowledging when austin rose . she commanded them to open , but they would n't cooperate . she felt the bed move , then felt him touch her feet . `` ca n't ... '' she moaned , not even able to compose a whole sentence . she heard him laugh , a rich , deep , satisfied laugh . she wanted to open her eyes , wanted to see his face lit up with pleasure , but her lids would n't cooperate . `` i 'm just getting you dressed , kinsey . you 're still on-call ... '' his voice faded as his fingers slid up her thighs , pulling her scrub bottoms back into place . she knew she should be horrified , shocked that she would make love to him at work , but she felt too good to care . maybe when she woke ... chapter ten `` ooh , kinsey , you two look so cute ! '' kinsey groggily woke up , feeling like she could n't breathe . there was an enormous pressure on her chest , and she almost panicked wondering what had her trapped . she snapped her eyes open and looked into the slowly opening lids of austin 's eyes . `` morning , '' he mumbled as he bent down and kissed her , his lips gently caressing hers for a moment , instantly causing heat . he started deepening the kiss as he pressed his rapidly rising arousal against her , making her ache deepen . kinsey and austin both froze as they turned their heads . normally , kinsey would find the expression on his face comical , but not when she was caught with him on top of her . she pushed her arms against his chest , and he leaned back . she took in a deep breath , her lungs finally able to fill with air . `` sorry to interrupt , but i 've been looking all over for you . we have an appointment in a half hour and you have n't been answering your phone . now i see why , '' cassie said with a wink , mortifying kinsey even more . can you go away for a few minutes ? '' austin asked as if nothing was wrong . `` only a few minutes ? wow , austin , '' she goaded him . kinsey sent her best friend a pleading look , which cassie pretended not to see . i 'll meet you in joseph 's room , '' she said before shutting the door behind her . austin turned back to her and bent down like he was going to kiss her again .	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my dior jacket had me baking in the sun , and my kenneth cole pumps were coated with dust , the heels sinking into the gravel with every step , no doubt scratching the surface beyond repair . `` everything appears to be fine , '' i said , and returned the contract . his fingers brushed mine as he accepted the papers . i jerked away , nearly tearing it in my haste to retreat . the gypsies murmured . cartwright 's smile froze . grace shot me an exasperated look . the reaction was rude , as if i did n't want him to touch me . not because of who he was , but because of what he was . they frightened me . `` i guess you can stay , '' grace allowed . `` but you 'll need to keep your people under wraps . '' cartwright 's eyes narrowed . `` what exactly is your meaning , sheriff ? '' `` my meaning is this - everyone in lake bluff has a gun and no one is afraid to use it . sneaking around after dark where you do n't belong is an invitation to get shot . '' `` you think we 'll be stealin ' then , perhaps kidnapping a few of your wee ones ? '' cartwright let his gaze scan grace from top to bottom . his perusal was not complimentary - probably the first time in the history of grace . `` you should know better than to believe everything you hear . all gypsies are n't thieves and baby stealers any more than all indians are lazy drunks . '' grace 's cheeks darkened . `` but the warning still stands . others in lake bluff might not be as enlightened as i am . '' cartwright 's mouth twitched . he said something to his people in their language , and they shuffled and murmured and stared . `` to stay in camp after dark . '' `` does anyone else speak english ? '' but we prefer to speak romani , the language of the rom . the gypsies , '' he clarified . `` we do n't want to lose our heritage . '' `` understandable , '' grace murmured . when we were kids , grace had spent a lot of time studying the old ways with her cherokee medicine woman great-grandmother who 'd insisted the ancient knowledge should not be lost . now that grace was a public servant , i wondered how much of her background she flaunted . the lake bluff sheriff was elected , and while the residents were used to seeing native american descendants in their town , that did n't mean they wanted their head cop performing a rain dance beneath the light of the moon . if the cherokee even had a rain dance . i turned to cartwright . `` what type of entertainment are we talking about ? '' for all i knew , they might have come here to do naked rain dances , which would not be the kind of show we wanted for our family festival . `` human sacrifice and the like . '' i gaped ; so did grace . a few of the gypsies began to laugh . cartwright spread his hands . when neither grace nor i cracked a smile , he said a few short words in their language and his people dispersed , then he returned his attention to us . `` we perform like our ancestors did . as you can see '' - cartwright swept an arm out to indicate the wagons , the animals , the gaily dressed people - `` we endeavor to bring the flavor of the old world to the new one . the rom have long been travelers . '' `` the easier to avoid arrest for our stealing and kidnapping . '' beginning to get his humor , i laughed ; grace did n't . `` what 's up with your blast-of-the-past show ? '' `` people enjoy it . '' `` we 're different , and that 'll keep you workin ' week after week . '' `` when you say different - `` `` fortune-telling , animal acts , trinkets . '' `` big whoop , '' grace muttered . `` been there , done that , a hundred times before . '' he turned to me as if i 'd been the one questioning him . `` if you 'd like to come by another time , mayor kennedy , i 'd enjoy showing you just what makes us so special . '' `` he 's got the hots for you , '' grace said as we drove away . malachi cartwright stared after us , his dark gaze boring into mine . i quickly faced forward . `` 'come on by , mayor kennedy , ' '' she mocked , sounding like the love child of scarlett o'hara and the lucky charms leprechaun. `` 'preferably alone . without that nasty old sheriff . i 'll show you my etchings . i keep them in my pants . ' '' `` grace , '' i protested , barely able to speak past the laughter . `` he was just trying to be friendly , and since you were doing your godzilla-stomps-on-all-the-little-people act - `` `` he could n't keep his eyes off you , '' she interrupted . `` barely looked in my direction the entire time we were there . 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how they made it to the bremerton hospital without causing an accident or getting a ticket , bruce did n't know . he roared to a stop at the emergency entrance and dashed inside . `` my wife is pregnant and needs help ! '' a minute later , rachel was whisked onto a stretcher and into an exam room , where she was seen by a physician . jolene asked him , sounding as worried as bruce . he paced the waiting area restlessly , wondering how long this would take . `` oh , daddy , i 'm so scared . '' he was , too , but for his daughter 's sake tried to act confident and composed . an eternity passed before the doctor came into the waiting room and called for bruce . jolene went with him . `` your wife has food poisoning , '' the doctor explained . `` as far as we can tell , it was something she ate yesterday afternoon . it is n't serious but she 's badly dehydrated . we 'd like to keep her overnight . '' `` your child appears to be fine . '' bruce closed his eyes , so grateful for his wife 's health and his child 's that it felt as if his knees might go out from under him . jolene sat down next to him . `` why did rachel come with us if she was sick ? '' bruce placed his arm around his daughter 's shoulders . `` because she wanted to be with us-to do something together as a family . rachel never had this opportunity as a child . her aunt did n't ever buy a tree . at christmas she gave rachel money and had her buy her own gift . '' jolene dropped her head . `` can i get rachel some flowers and apologize ? '' bruce squeezed her shoulders . `` flowers are a nice idea , but what 's more important to rachel , and to me , is bringing her and the baby into our family . that 's where they belong . '' jolene considered this over for a moment and then nodded . `` at first , when i was afraid rachel was in labor , i thought she might lose the baby . i 'm looking forward to when the baby comes and i felt sick inside because i know it 's too early . '' `` we could have lost more than the baby , '' he said , pressing his cheek against jolene 's hair . `` we could have lost rachel . '' she covered her face with both hands and started to weep . her shoulders heaved convulsively as she buried her face in bruce 's side and gave way to her tears . `` i 'm so sorry , '' she gulped . he patted her back and whispered soothing words . he 'd give anything to make things right between his wife and his daughter . counseling had helped a little , but for every step forward they seemed to take two back . after several minutes of comforting jolene , bruce stood and approached the nurses ' station . `` can i see my wife ? '' `` yes , i 'll take you and your daughter back . we 're getting her a bed right now . bruce and jolene followed the woman to a cubicle , where rachel lay on a gurney . she was on her side , doubled up in almost the same position as she 'd been in the backseat of the car . an iv bottle was attached to her arm . `` rachel , '' jolene whispered , touching her hand . rachel 's eyes fluttered open . `` hi , '' she whispered back , and attempted a smile . `` the doc says they want to keep you overnight , '' bruce said , putting his hand on her forehead , needing to touch her , needing reassurance that she was going to be all right . rachel and their baby . `` i 'm sorry i ruined your christmas tree outing . '' `` we 'll go again when you 're not so sick , okay ? '' jolene said as if talking to a child . rachel smiled again . `` i 'll help decorate the tree , too . '' `` if you want , you can put up my special ornaments with me . i want to get one for the baby next year . one that says baby 's first christmas-just like the ornament my mom got for me . '' `` that can be your christmas gift for your little sister . '' `` i 'm getting a sister ! '' jolene grinned at bruce . `` i was hoping for a sister ! '' `` i thought you wanted to be surprised . '' `` i thought i did , too , but i asked at my last ultrasound . i was saving the news until christmas . this is close enough . '' `` a girl , '' bruce repeated in awe . `` rachel , junior . '' `` rachel , junior , '' jolene muttered , shaking her head . `` no way are you going to stick my sister with a name like junior . '' `` madison , '' jolene said without a pause .	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emily jumped at least a foot off the ground , as she spun around to see mark standing a few feet away from her , wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts , which showed far more than they hid . `` i ... i j ... just needed some air , '' she finally managed to stutter . mark could n't take his eyes off of her . he was looking at her from head to toe and taking his sweet time about it . it was a full moon that night and she was wearing an almost see through short nighty , which was showing him far more of her body than even the bikini had shown . the moonlight seemed to turn the white gown iridescent . he could see the dusky outline of her n*ples , which hardened to peaks as his eyes roved over them . he could see the outline of her legs all the way up to her most intimate of places . before he even knew what he was doing , he started walking towards her . he was slow and steady as he took those few paces that separated them . her eyes never wavered from his as he made his approach . it was like they were both in some inevitable trance . he reached his hand up and brushed back the escaped tendrils of her hair , which were floating in her face . she could n't contain the sigh that escaped her lips , when his fingers made contact with her burning flesh . she started leaning toward him in an unspoken invitation . that was all the prompting he needed . he wrapped one arm around her back , pulling her tightly up against his nearly nakd body . the other hand wrapped around the back of her neck , tilting her head up , giving him access to her full lips . he gave her a moment more to turn him away . it would kill him if she denied him but he would never force a woman . when the moan escaped her moistened lips , he finally brought them both the satisfaction they wanted and brought his lips down to hers . she had thought the kiss would be urgent , like it was in the pool but was surprised when his lips barely brushed hers . she moaned again and raised her hands to grip his neck , pulling him closer to her . she wanted to feel him pressed against her in every single way . she had no time for regrets , she wanted him and she needed him to fully kiss her and take the ache away . he finally gave them what they both wanted and crushed her lips underneath his . he tilted his head , opening her mouth wider , so he could slip his tongue inside . their tongues mated , as their hps ground together , mimicking lovemaking . he let out a moan as she pushed her softness into his engorged manhood . his hand ran down the round perfection of her backside , until it found the hem of her nightgown . then he slowly inched his way up her silken thighs , until he was gripping her , pulling her even tighter against him . he let out another long moan , as he realized she wore nothing under the wisp of a nightgown . the only thing that separated him from entering her right then was the extremely thin cotton of his boxer shorts . he suddenly swung his arm under her thighs , picking her up in his arms . he never broke contact from the passionate kiss they were sharing . he carried her the few feet to his balcony door and walked over to his bed , where he laid her down . he stripped off his boxers and then her robe in two quick motions and lay next to her on the soft comforter . his hands were roaming all over her body . he could n't touch her in enough places . he found every pleasure point on her and almost ended things before they had even begun , as she cried out her pleasure . he finally tore his lips from hers , so he could trail them down her smooth throat . he licked and nipped at her erratically beating pulse and then made his way down to her generous brsts . she was so curvy and beautiful . her dusky pink nples were beaded and shining in the moonlight . he licked around their hardened peaks , before drawing first one and then the other deep into his mouth . emily 's body jerked off the bed as he continued to lick and suck his way slowly down her torso . he circled her slight belly button and then moved lower . as his hands kneaded her thighs and his teeth grazed her skin , she cried out more and more . then he gently soothed her flesh with the flick of his tongue . when he finally spread her legs apart and kissed her intimately in her most sacred place , she begged him to love her . `` please mark , please i need you inside me , '' she cried out . with one more flick of his masterful tongue her entire body jerked up and sweet heavenly release washed throughout her . she could n't have even lifted her head ; the pleasure was so great and encompassing . he slowly kissed his way back up her body and flicked her still tender n*ples , making stirrings start to occur in her core again .	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anyway , its nice to have met you all . ill leave to enjoy your drinks in peace . he made to retreat back to the bar . this from saras father , sit yerself down sonny an take a load off . a stool had materialised , passed overhand from patron to patron til it appeared next to him . once again , everyone in the group shuffled chairs and tables to make a seat-sized space for the new addition . bemused , greg could do little more than sit , finding himself thigh to thigh with sara . if hed looked up at that moment , he might have seen several self-satisfied smiles from faces among the assembly , but he was busy keeping his drink from being jostled and not aware of the speculative glances . twenty minutes turned into thirty as the group , in particular , liana and steve questioned him at length about his music . steve , it transpired , had a rather catholic interest in diverse genres and was well-informed about celtic , folk and world music but it was liana who was truly conversant . it seemed to greg that she had the kind of deep understanding of the rhythms and history of folk music that few others possessed . when he asked how she had acquired the knowledge , he husband broke in and adroitly changed the subject , which greg found a little odd . so how did you meet our sara ? hamish interjected . like the others , he enjoyed the music but he was also curious about this stranger in their midst . greg caught more than a hint of a big brother vibe and answered . im camping up by the woods and she came running past . well , maybe not running so much as wheezing , he turned his head to grin at sara at the memory . responding , sara gave him a narrow-eyed stare . it was at the top of the bends and i havent run for ages . i was just a little out of breath , she spoke defensively . ah , yes , sara loves to run , hamish chortled , the first time i met her she was running as well . took weeks for the bruises to fade i sense a ballad there , greg raised an eyebrow . why dont you come round for dinner tomorrow and we can tell you the full story this time liana interjected , and sara , you come too , in case we miss any salient details , the invitation was accompanied by a beatific smile . bring matthew . greg wondered who matthew was but didnt like to ask . perhaps sara had a husband or partner who wasnt here tonight ? id love to , but i cant do tomorrow , i have a gig im playing at that will go til fairly late . how about the night after ? sara shrugged , sunday , yeah , i can do sunday , long as were not too late . greg wondered why that was an issue . perhaps sara really was as young as she looked ? no , shed said she had to get back to work that day theyd met , so she had to be older . it was so difficult to tell , just by looking at her . her skin and eyes looked teenage-fresh and the short-cropped hairstyle wouldnt have been out of place on a schoolgirl but hed thought the slightly cynical world-worn attitude that she displayed suggested someone whod lived more than a little . the way his thoughts had been leading him , he certainly hoped she out of her teens . sunday then , liana looked towards sara , and perhaps you would be so kind as to collect greg and bring him to the cottage ? he could walk through the woods , its not far , sara objected . or ride his horse . but he doesnt know the way , this from hamish , who had more than an inkling that his wife was playing match-maker . the least he could do was assist her endeavours . i guess i could then , okay , sara had a strong sense she was being manipulated by these two and did not like it . to greg , she sounded even more like a displeased teen . sunday it is , then . well see you at seven , no need to bring anything . especially not flowers , sara couldnt help but say this , her tone still a little surly . her remark got more than a few concerned glances from those around the table but no one commented further . before greg could say more the publican tapped him on his shoulder . you rested enough ? were gon na have a riot here if you dont play some more , he turned around to see raised glasses and a roomful of expectant faces . he rose from the stool , no rest for the wicked , id better get back to work , he grinned down at saras slightly petulant child-like face . thanks so much for the offer to pick me up . ill see you sunday evening then , if not before .	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mike had forced himself to watch the video , frame by frame , sigh by sigh , movement by movement , reliving it not only with his eyes but with his heart-and other body parts beneath that . it was tantalizing , he had to admit . they could n't have made a more appealing video if they had tried . it was like watching an amateur youporn tape , but without the raunchy vulgarity of it all . this was two people being intimate for the first time , and reveling in it . for that he was not ashamed . for nothing was he ashamed , because on the whole , he had done absolutely nothing wrong to anyone except lydia , the woman he 'd opened himself up to with one minor caveat . he 'd lied completely and utterly about his identity . trivial , right ? a bitter laugh escaped through his nose , along with a sigh that said more in breath than he could ever hope to say in an apology to her . jonah was n't the only stupid ahole , either . she was ignoring all of his phone calls , texts , emails-and he could n't blame her . he would probably do the same if the roles were reversed . mike had come to the very obvious and simple conclusion that he would hate her guts forever and a day if the roles had been reversed . assuming she felt the same made this all the more crystal clear . a decent guy would back off and acknowledge that he 'd hurt her and she needed time . a decent guy would stop calling , would do everything he could in terms of damage control , would n't text her best friend , and certainly would n't drive by her apartment hoping to catch a glimpse of her . a decent guy would never have pretended to be someone else while making love to her . and so , while matt jones had been mr. decency all along , in the end , it was mike bournham who was the biggest ahole of them all . he grabbed his car keys , ready to head out and swing by her apartment one more time because , if he was going to be a major ahole , he may as well take it all the way , when jeremy buzzed . he checked his texts : i 'm on my way up the elevator in your building . hmm , this could be interesting , mike thought . `` lydia , are you on your computer ? '' krysta 's voice had a strained , strangled tone to it , one of caution and suppressed horror . a chill shot up her spine and her throat closed up as she reached for her mug of coffee . grandma walked in wearing a red bathrobe , hair standing straight up and tufted around her ears , bleary-eyed and mumbling something about the fking loud garbage trucks and not respecting people who worked graveyard shift . madge poured herself some java and disappeared into the living room . what could be on the computer or television that would be so awful ? `` do me a favor , '' krysta said slowly . `` do n't get on the internet or watch television until i get there . i am about five minutes away . '' swallowing the rest of her coffee , she was in the middle of pouring another cup when madge walked back in , eyes wide open , eyebrows lifted . `` you got something you want to share with me , lydia ? '' she asked , leaning against the counter , her eyes intrigued and manner quite suspicious . pouring in some half and half , lydia gave back what her grandma dished out . `` no , grandma . what do you think i want to share ? '' madge grabbed lydia 's hand and pulled her into the living room . pointed to the television . smirked , then lost the look , her face shifting to a confused compassion . when her eyes focused on the television screen , lydia saw the over-makeupped morning show hosts laughing about michael bournham 's latest sexcapade . rolling her eyes , she took a sip and said to madge , `` c'mon , grandma . he 's the company owner . it 's not like i know him . '' the hosts panned to a video clip , a dark security-camera snippet that clearly showed two people making love . in an office . deftly , madge reached for lydia 's coffee cup as her muscles went to jelly and it slipped out of her hand . grandma saved her from scalding her thighs and shins . her and matt . making love ( f**king ) last night in the office . long brown hair poured down like chocolate against her back , swinging as she gyrated against him , on top and in command as he had- `` sit down , honey . breathe , '' madge urged , her fingers wrapping around lydia 's wrist . was that why the world had begun to fade to nothing behind little grey pinpoints ? her light blue flannel pajama top felt harsh and cold against her skin as she bent over , chest tightening , every muscle between her ribs aching with the effort to force herself to let the air out of her .	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1152], ["hateed", 1152], ["gut", 1161], ["guts", 1161], ["forever", 1169], ["day", 1179], ["assume", 1221], ["assumes", 1221], ["assuming", 1221], ["feel", 1230], ["felt", 1230], ["crystal", 1270], ["clear", 1276], ["clearest", 1276], ["decent", 1287], ["guy", 1291], ["back", 1302], ["acknowledge", 1322], ["hurt", 1338], ["hurts", 1338], ["hurting", 1338], ["need", 1357], ["needest", 1357], ["needed", 1357], ["stop", 1388], ["call", 1396], ["calling", 1396], ["everything", 1418], ["term", 1436], ["terming", 1436], ["terms", 1436], ["damage", 1446], ["damaging", 1446], ["control", 1454], ["text", 1471], ["good", 1480], ["best", 1480], ["friend", 1487], ["certainly", 1503], ["drive", 1519], ["apartment", 1536], ["hope", 1543], ["hoping", 1543], ["catch", 1552], ["catches", 1552], ["catched", 1552], ["glimpse", 1562], ["glimpses", 1562], ["never", 1596], ["pretend", 1611], ["pretendest", 1611], ["pretended", 1611], ["else", 1630], ["love", 1648], ["matt", 1677], ["joneses", 1683], ["mr", 1695], ["decency", 1704], ["end", 1727], ["ends", 1727], ["endest", 1727], ["big", 1770], ["bigs", 1770], ["biggest", 1770], ["grab", 1803], ["grabbed", 1803], ["car", 1811], ["key", 1816], ["keyed", 1816], ["keyest", 1816], ["keys", 1816], ["ready", 1824], ["head", 1832], ["swing", 1846], ["swung", 1846], ["go", 1903], ["goest", 1903], ["going", 1903], ["major", 1917], ["may", 1934], ["mays", 1934], ["mayest", 1934], ["well", 1942], ["wells", 1942], ["take", 1947], ["way", 1962], ["ways", 1962], ["jeremy", 1976], ["buzz", 1983], ["buzzes", 1983], ["buzzing", 1983], ["buzzed", 1983], ["check", 1996], ["checked", 1996], ["elevator", 2039], ["build", 2056], ["building", 2056], ["hmm", 2062], ["interesting", 2090], ["think", 2105], ["thinkest", 2105], ["thought", 2105], ["computer", 2143], ["voice", 2164], ["strangle", 2191], ["strangles", 2191], ["strangled", 2191], ["tone", 2196], ["toned", 2196], ["toning", 2196], ["caution", 2219], ["cautioning", 2219], ["horror", 2241], ["chill", 2251], ["chills", 2251], ["chilling", 2251], ["shoot", 2256], ["shooted", 2256], ["shot", 2256], ["spine", 2269], ["throat", 2284], ["close", 2291], ["closed", 2291], ["reach", 2309], ["reached", 2309], ["mug", 2321], ["coffee", 2331], ["grandma", 2341], ["grandmas", 2341], ["walk", 2348], ["walked", 2348], ["wear", 2359], ["wearing", 2359], ["red", 2365], ["bathrobe", 2374], ["bathrobed", 2374], ["hair", 2381], ["stood", 2390], ["stand", 2390], ["standest", 2390], ["standing", 2390], ["straight", 2399], ["tufted", 2413], ["tufting", 2413], ["around", 2420], ["ear", 2429], ["ears", 2429], ["bleary", 2438], ["mumble", 2456], ["mumbles", 2456], ["mumbling", 2456], ["loud", 2489], ["garbage", 2497], ["garbaged", 2497], ["truck", 2504], ["trucks", 2504], ["respect", 2523], ["respecting", 2523], ["work", 2541], ["wrought", 2541], ["worked", 2541], ["graveyard", 2551], ["shift", 2557], ["madge", 2565], ["pour", 2572], ["poured", 2572], ["java", 2590], ["disappear", 2606], ["disappeared", 2606], ["room", 2627], ["roomed", 2627], ["television", 2673], ["awful", 2696], ["favor", 2715], ["favorest", 2715], ["slowly", 2739], ["get", 2755], ["internet", 2771], ["five", 2827], ["fived", 2827], ["minute", 2835], ["minutes", 2835], ["away", 2840], ["swallow", 2856], ["swallows", 2856], ["swallowing", 2856], ["rest", 2865], ["middle", 2903], ["middles", 2903], ["middling", 2903], ["pour", 2914], ["pouring", 2914], ["another", 2922], ["cup", 2926], ["wide", 2964], ["open", 2969], ["eyebrow", 2980], ["eyebrows", 2980], ["lift", 2987], ["lifted", 2987], ["get", 3000], ["got", 3000], ["share", 3028], ["ask", 3059], ["asked", 3059], ["lean", 3069], ["leans", 3069], ["leaning", 3069], ["counter", 3089], ["intrigue", 3110], ["intrigued", 3110], ["manner", 3121], ["manners", 3121], ["quite", 3127], ["suspicious", 3138], ["half", 3161], ["give", 3183], ["gave", 3183], ["dish", 3212], ["dished", 3212], ["think", 3254], ["thinkest", 3254], ["hand", 3303], ["pull", 3314], ["pulled", 3314], ["point", 3349], ["pointed", 3349], ["smirk", 3377], ["smirked", 3377], ["lose", 3389], ["lost", 3389], ["look", 3398], ["face", 3409], ["shift", 3418], ["shifting", 3418], ["compassion", 3443], ["focus", 3467], ["focused", 3467], ["screen", 3492], ["screening", 3492], ["see", 3504], ["saw", 3504], ["makeupped", 3523], ["morning", 3531], ["show", 3536], ["host", 3542], ["hosted", 3542], ["hostest", 3542], ["hosts", 3542], ["laugh", 3551], ["laughing", 3551], ["michael", 3565], ["late", 3584], ["lates", 3584], ["latest", 3584], ["sexcapade", 3594], ["roll", 3604], ["rolling", 3604], ["take", 3624], ["took", 3624], ["sip", 3630], ["come", 3657], ["company", 3689], ["companys", 3689], ["companying", 3689], ["owner", 3695], ["know", 3719], ["knowest", 3719], ["pan", 3745], ["pans", 3745], ["panned", 3745], ["clip", 3761], ["dark", 3770], ["security", 3779], ["camera", 3786], ["cameras", 3786], ["snippet", 3794], ["clearly", 3807], ["show", 3814], ["showed", 3814], ["office", 3852], ["deftly", 3861], ["muscle", 3916], ["muscles", 3916], ["go", 3921], ["goest", 3921], ["went", 3921], ["jelly", 3930], ["jellies", 3930], ["jellied", 3930], ["slip", 3945], ["slipped", 3945], ["save", 3977], ["saved", 3977], ["scald", 3995], ["scalds", 3995], ["scalding", 3995], ["thigh", 4006], ["thighs", 4006], ["shin", 4016], ["shins", 4016], ["last", 4062], ["night", 4068], ["long", 4089], ["longs", 4089], ["brown", 4095], ["browns", 4095], ["chocolate", 4127], ["swinged", 4155], ["swinging", 4155], ["gyrate", 4170], ["gyrated", 4170], ["top", 4191], ["command", 4206], ["sat", 4224], ["sit", 4224], ["honey", 4237], ["honeys", 4237], ["breathes", 4247], ["urge", 4264], ["urged", 4264], ["finger", 4278], ["fingers", 4278], ["wrap", 4287], ["wraps", 4287], ["wrapping", 4287], ["wrist", 4309], ["world", 4334], ["begin", 4344], ["begun", 4344], ["fade", 4352], ["behind", 4370], ["little", 4377], ["grey", 4382], ["pinpoint", 4392], ["pinpointing", 4392], ["pinpoints", 4392], ["lit", 4404], ["light", 4404], ["blue", 4409], ["flannel", 4417], ["pajama", 4424], ["pajamas", 4424], ["harsh", 4439], ["cold", 4448], ["skin", 4465], ["bend", 4477], ["bent", 4477], ["chest", 4490], ["every", 4509], ["muscle", 4516], ["rib", 4533], ["ribs", 4533], ["ache", 4540], ["ached", 4540], ["aching", 4540], ["effort", 4556], ["force", 4565], ["let", 4580], ["lets", 4580], ["air", 4588], ["airs", 4588], ["airing", 4588]]
your father was always so careful to keep you safe from that part of his life . he has n't been gone six months and i 've failed him . '' cynthia rose to her feet and walked slowly to the door . i pushed myself away from the table and cal ed after her . `` tel me i 'm wrong , mother . i need you to tel me this is a mistake . '' my voice was closer to begging than the firm tone i 'd meant to take . cynthia did n't turn around ; she wiped another tear and sighed . `` charles dawson wants those files . '' `` he knew where they were ? '' she shrieked , flipping around . `` he worked for your father , '' she said , touching her mouth nervously in thought . i sat up higher in my chair , my muscles rigid . `` why is he harassing me , mother ? why are n't you upset about that ? '' `` nina , dear , '' her tone turned soft , `` i told you . your father did everything in his power to keep you removed from his dealings . i understand you were frightened ; but you were safe , i promise . '' why wo n't anyone give me a straight answer ? '' cynthia tilted her head and raised her eyebrows , the way she did when i was little . `` would n't you agree that after tonight , some things are better left unsaid ? '' my immediate reaction was to scream at her and demand the truth , but she was right . i had lost my father again tonight , the reverence i 'd once felt for him was replaced with debilitating disappointment . it was worse than losing him to death . al perception i 'd had of him had been ripped away . he was no longer god in my eyes , he was just a man ; a flawed , corrupt man . i considered cynthia 's suggestion and nodded . `` i 've got to get out of here , '' i blurted , turning away from her touch . everything i knew was a lie . i left her alone to fetch my coat . she cal ed after me . `` for a walk , '' i said , bundling myself inside my hat and gloves . `` it 's freezing outside , nina ! please let robert drive you ! '' i yanked my purse over my shoulder and jerked open the door . `` i'l walk to the bus stop and catch a ride to brown . i'l cal you when i get there . '' i avoided her inevitably pleading eyes as i marched outside , slamming the door behind me . winter exploded in my face . the air was too cold to breathe , burning my nose and throat with each gasp of air that i took in . the wind had picked up and the large snowflakes whipped around me . my hair thrashed against my face and i squinted as the icy wind blurred my vision . i tried to sort al of the new information , but the freezing air along with my anger blocked any rational thought i could have . i reached the end of the drive and trudged into the street , walking as fast as my legs could carry me . my home had become a dark , wicked thing where corruption and scandal took place . i could n't bring myself to look back , even though i had no intentions of returning . when the painful burn from the wind began to wane to a numbing sensation , i heard a vehicle slow down beside me . i continued to walk ; i was n't in the mood to explain myself or argue with robert . he was less capable of changing my mind than my mother . it belonged to the one person i wanted to see . when i came to a stop , so did his suv . `` i 'm taking the bus , jared , '' i said , looking straight ahead . i 've come to take you home . '' i stood perfectly stil except for the occasional weaving when the wind attempted to knock me over . `` nina , it 's freezing outside , '' he said , impatient . when i did n't budge , jared opened his door and walked over to me . he stared at me for a moment and then bent down , sweeping me into his arms . he carried me to the passenger side , pressing his warm lips to my forehead . he placed me gently into the seat and paused . i could n't utter a single word . i felt broken ; it was al too much for me to accept in such a short amount of time . once in his seat , he turned the heater to its highest setting and pul ed forward . occasional y , jared would reach over and brush my hair back from my face , or hold his warm hand affectionately to my cheek , but the only sounds were the heated air blowing through the vents and the road under the tires . the escalade came to a stop on the street behind andrews . jared walked with me to the door in silence , but when i put my hand on the knob , he touched my arm .	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["squint", 2434], ["squinting", 2434], ["squintest", 2434], ["squinted", 2434], ["icy", 2445], ["blur", 2458], ["blurs", 2458], ["blurred", 2458], ["vision", 2468], ["try", 2478], ["tryed", 2478], ["tried", 2478], ["sort", 2486], ["new", 2500], ["information", 2512], ["along", 2541], ["anger", 2555], ["block", 2563], ["blocks", 2563], ["blocked", 2563], ["rational", 2576], ["reach", 2609], ["reached", 2609], ["end", 2617], ["ends", 2617], ["endest", 2617], ["trudge", 2642], ["street", 2658], ["walk", 2668], ["walking", 2668], ["fast", 2676], ["leg", 2687], ["legs", 2687], ["carry", 2699], ["home", 2712], ["homing", 2712], ["become", 2723], ["dark", 2730], ["wicked", 2739], ["thing", 2745], ["corruption", 2762], ["scandal", 2774], ["place", 2785], ["bring", 2805], ["look", 2820], ["back", 2825], ["even", 2832], ["evens", 2832], ["though", 2839], ["intention", 2859], ["intentions", 2859], ["return", 2872], ["returnest", 2872], ["returning", 2872], ["painful", 2891], ["burn", 2896], 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`` i 'd be very proud if i can walk you down the aisle to uncle drew , '' he finished . she could feel the tears start to gather in her eyes again . like the perfect gentleman he pulled out a handkerchief and handed it over to her . she dabbed at her eyes and smiled at derek , who 'd stepped out the door . he put jasmine 's hand through his arm and stood at the head of the church and waited for trinity to get ready . she nodded at them and the music started and they made their way forward . trinity took a deep breath and slowly followed them . she was very grateful to have jacob walk with her . he was going to be a heartbreaker himself when he got older . he was certainly following in his uncles footsteps . she smiled at him , as they stepped through the door . she looked forward and all thoughts were tossed from her mind as she took in drew . he was so breathtaking in his tuxedo , with his father and cousin standing next to him . jasmine and derek were on the other side and the family made such a stunning vision , she felt like she could n't even breathe . she could not believe how lucky she was to have him and his family as a part of her life . it all seemed so much more real with her getting this dream wedding , too . their eyes were locked together as she made her way down the aisle and jacob did such a great job as he placed her hand in drew 's . she could barely breathe ; she was so taken back by the sexiness of her husband . the preacher spoke words and she repeated where she was supposed to but she had no idea how she managed because she was almost faint with happiness . soon the preacher was pronouncing them remarried and drew was pulling her into his arms . he kissed her with so much passion and longing , it felt like they really were marrying for the first time . derek cleared his throat and drew reluctantly pulled away from her . she blushed as the crowd broke into applause at the beautiful couple . drew slipped her arm through his and walked her down the aisle . he pulled her out the door and took her around the back of the church . he had huge tents set up and there was music playing . he pulled her straight onto the dance floor and took her into his arms . `` you 're so stunning , '' he whispered into her ear , causing a shiver of desire to run down her spine . she loved him so much and could n't believe she 'd ever fought her attraction to him . he brought his lips back down to hers and her stomach was quivering with desire . she could n't imagine ever getting tired of his body pressed up tightly to hers . he spun her around the floor and she noticed other couples had joined them . she looked at jasmine , who was wrapped tightly in derek 's arms . the two of them looked like newlywed 's themselves , as he was spinning her around . she let out a giggle of delight at something he said and then blushed red and looked around . the two women 's eyes met and they shared a moment of pure delight . `` it 's time to cut the cake , '' someone said and drew led her over to a table that had a huge four-tiered cake with a waterfall cascading down from its layers . he sliced a piece off and gently fed it to her , even though the crowd was calling for them to get a little messier . he took the small piece of cake from her delicate fingers , then sucked her finger into his mouth to lick away the frosting . she felt the pull of his lips deep inside her stomach and a shiver of desire raced through her . she watched drew 's eyes narrow in passion and wanted nothing more than to get into a room alone with him . she did n't even care where it was but she wanted her husband badly . he started to pull her away , when ryan grabbed his arm . `` not so fast there romeo , it 's time for your toasts , '' he said with a knowing smile . drew growled at him but ryan just laughed and took trinity 's arms . she looked back longingly at her husband . ryan and derek said their toasts , which brought more tears to her eyes . since drew was n't able to drag her away , he pulled her back onto the dance floor and continued with the foreplay . pretty soon jasmine came up to her and pulled her off to change . the two women made quick work of changing clothes and trinity was delighted with the short summer dress jasmine picked out . she felt delicate and beautiful and was grateful because in a few short months her body would be changing once more . `` i 'm pregnant again , '' she finally burst out , no longer being able to contain the secret . jasmine squeaked with delight , before throwing her arms around her best friend . `` oh my gosh , that 's so great because i just found out i am too .	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`` he trusted me with that , ma'am , to bring to you and your goodman . '' `` reckon as you 'll want to read that right promptly ; i 'll meet up with ye a mite later , mrs . he bowed with solemn formality , and walked away , hailing acquaintances as he passed . i would n't read it without waiting for jamie ; luckily , he appeared no more than a few minutes later . the letter was written on what seemed to be the torn-out flyleaf of a book , its ink the pale brown of oak-galls , but legible enough . ian salutat avunculus jacobus , the note began , and a grin broke out on jamie 's face . that exhausting my remembrance of the latin tongue , i must now lapse into plain english , of which i recall much more . i am well , uncle , and happy-i ask you to believe it . i have been married , after the custom of the mohawk , and live in the house of my wife . you will remember emily , who carves so cleverly . rollo has sired a great many puppies ; the village is littered with small wolfish replicas . i can not hope to claim the same profligacy of procreation-yet i hope you will write to my mother with the wish that she has not yet so many grandchildren that she will overlook the addition of one more . the birth will be in spring ; i will send word of its outcome so soon as i may . in the meantime , you will oblige me by remembering me to all at lallybroch , at river run , and fraser 's ridge . i remember them all most fondly , and will , so long as i shall live . my love to auntie claire , to cousin brianna , and most of all to yourself . your most affectionate nephew , ian murray . vale , avunculus . jamie blinked once or twice , and folding the torn page carefully , tucked it in his sporran . `` it 's avuncule , ye wee idiot , '' he said softly . `` a greeting takes the vocative case . '' looking over the dotted campfires that evening , i would have said that every scottish family between philadelphia and charleston had come-and yet more arrived with the dawn next day , and kept coming . it was on the second day , while lizzie , brianna , and i were comparing babies with two of farquard campbell 's daughters , that jamie made his way through a mass of women and children , a wide smile on his face . `` mrs. lizzie , '' he said . `` i 've a wee surprise for ye . fergus , likewise beaming , came from behind a wagon , ushering a slight man with windblown , thin fair hair . lizzie shrieked , and flung herself into his arms . jamie put a finger in his ear and wiggled it , looking amazed . `` i dinna think i 've ever heard her make a noise that loud before , '' he said . he grinned at me and handed me two pieces of paper ; originally part of one document , they had been carefully torn apart so that the notched edge of one fitted the jagged edge of the other . `` that 'll be mr. wemyss 's indenture , '' he said . `` put it away for now , sassenach ; we 'll burn it at the bonfire tonight . '' then he vanished back into the crowd , summoned by a wave and a shout of mac dubh ! from across the clearing . by the third day of the gathering , i had heard so much news , gossip , and general chatter that my ears rang with the sound of gaelic . those who were not talking were singing ; roger was in his element , wandering through the grounds and listening . he was hoarse from singing himself ; he had been up most of the night before , strumming a borrowed guitar and singing to a crowd of enchanted listeners while brianna sat curled by his feet , looking smug . jamie had murmured to me , squinting dubiously at his putative son-in-law . `` better than good , '' i assured him . he lifted one eyebrow and shrugged , then leaned down to take the baby from me . `` aye , well , i 'll take your word for it . i think wee ruaidh and i will go and find a game of dice . '' `` you 're going gambling with a baby ? '' `` of course , '' he said , and grinned at me . `` he 's never too young to learn an honest trade , in case he canna sing for his supper like his da . '' `` when you make bashed neeps , '' i said , `` be sure to boil the tops along with the turnips . then save the pot liquor and give it to the children ; you take some too-it 's good for your milk . 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i am so proud to call him my brother i am bursting with it when i see him . and you , you did nothing . not one damn thing to make him . nothing , '' i finished and turned to leave his office . not under this roof . `` you 're right , '' my dad 's voice called out after me and i stopped and squeezed my eyes closed tightly before turning back around to look at him . i let him figure it all out on his own . i was afraid of your mother finding out . i was afraid of this town finding out . i did n't want to lose this life i 'd built for myself . you 're wrong about one thing though . i did check on him . why do you think you got away with sneaking out to go get him out of jams or going to stay with him when he was alone ? did you think you were just that good at being sneaky ? when you left to go to him , i followed you . i watched you both . i watched as you fixed his problems , got him out of messes and stayed by his side when he was alone . i was always there . i was proud of you for being there for him when i was n't . i 'm not proud of myself , sawyer . i 'll live with this regret the rest of my life . nevertheless , i am proud of beau . he has turned into the man i always hoped he would be . he 's tougher than you because of the life he lived . he is harder around the edges but he 's a good boy . '' my dad reached down and opened a drawer in his desk that he always kept locked and pulled out a large scrapbook and laid it on the desk . `` go ahead , take a look . '' i walked over and opened the leather binding to see pictures of beau as a baby . pictures of the two of us in our football helmets when they were bigger than we were . each page held memories of beau 's life . every article where he 'd been mentioned in the paper had been carefully clipped and placed in the pages . after i turned the last page , i saw a picture of beau in his practice gear standing on the field at bryant-denny stadium last week during practice . lifting my eyes , i stared at my father and saw a man i did n't know existed . `` i went to both your practices last week . you both made me proud . '' shaking my head trying to take this all in , i sank down into the chair behind me . `` why do n't you reach out to him ? if you have all this , you have to love him . you have to care about him . why are n't you doing something about it ? he needs you too . '' `` he hates me and i do n't blame him , '' dad said , taking the binder and placing it back in the drawer . `` hell yeah , he hates you . you 're his father and he thinks you care nothing for him . '' `` you know beau . do you really think he 'd listen to me ? that he 'd forgive me ? '' `` dad , he does n't have to forgive you . he does n't have to like you . but he needs to know you love him . that you 're proud of him . all you have to do is tell him . how he handles it or takes it is n't what 's important . what 's important is that he knows . what 's important is that you tell him . '' dad sat down at his desk and neither of us spoke . chapter twenty-six lana my mother was sitting on aunt sarah 's couch drinking tea when sawyer and i stepped into the living room . my aunt and uncle had welcomed me back and assured me they were just glad i was safe . they did n't know the details but understood i had a lot going on with my parents . `` lana , '' she smiled at me and then turned her smile to sawyer . `` hello sawyer . '' `` hello , ms. mcdaniel , '' he replied politely . `` i did n't know you were coming for a visit , '' i said , trying to figure out what was going on . `` paperwork came that you needed to sign and i figured we could go do that shopping for your dorm room , '' she explained . i had n't told sawyer about florida yet . i was afraid my mother was being optimistic and we might not actually be able to make it work . `` oh , um , okay , '' i trailed off , trying to think of a way to get sawyer out of here before mom said anything else about college . `` would it be okay if i came too ? lana did get to help pick out my dorm necessities so it 's only fair i get to help pick hers out , '' sawyer drawled in an amused voice as he walked over to sit down in my uncle 's recliner . would n't that be lovely , lana ? '' my mother asked a little too enthusiastically .	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she understood that she could tell no one about them , yet , strangely , she felt no guilt about the weekend , either . if anything , she felt regret , and she found herself wishing that she had done things differently . had she known from the beginning how their weekend would end , she would have stayed longer with dawson on their first night together , and she would n't have turned away when she 'd suspected that he was going to kiss her . she would have seen him friday night as well , no matter how many lies she had to tell her mother , and she would give anything to have spent all of saturday wrapped in his arms . after all , had she given in to her feelings sooner , saturday night might have had a different ending . perhaps the barriers , the ones that came with her marriage vows , would have been overridden . and they almost were . as they 'd danced in the living room , letting him make love to her was all she could think about ; as they 'd kissed , she 'd known exactly what would happen . she wanted him , in the way they 'd once been together . she 'd believed she could go through with it ; she 'd believed that once they reached the bedroom , she would be able to pretend that her life in durham no longer existed , if only for a night . even as he undressed her and carried her to the bed , she thought she could set aside the reality of her marriage . but as much as she wanted to be someone else that night , someone free of responsibilities and untenable promises , as much as she wanted dawson , she knew she was about to cross a line from which there would be no return . despite the urgency of his touch and the feel of his body against hers , she could n't give herself over to her feelings . dawson had n't become angry ; instead , he held her against him , his fingers moving through her hair . he kissed her cheek and whispered assurances ; that this was n't important , that nothing would ever change the way he felt about her . they stayed that way until the sky began to lighten and exhaustion settled in ; in the early predawn hours , she finally fell asleep , cradled in his arms . when she woke the following morning , her first thought was to reach for dawson . but by then , dawson was already gone . at the bar in the country club , long after they 'd finished their round of golf , frank signaled to the bartender for another beer , unaware of the inquiring glance the bartender shot at roger . roger just shrugged , having switched to diet coke himself . the bartender reluctantly put another bottle in front of frank as roger leaned closer , trying to make himself heard above the noise in the crowded bar . over the past hour , it had become packed . the game was tied at the top of the ninth inning . `` you do remember that i 'm meeting susan for dinner , so i 'm not going to be able to drive you home . and you ca n't drive , either . '' `` do you want me to call you a cab ? '' `` let 's just enjoy the game . we 'll figure it out later , okay ? '' frank raised the bottle and took another drink , his glassy eyes never leaving the screen . abee sat in the chair beside his brother 's bed , wondering again why ted lived in a crap hole like this . the place reeked , some disgusting combination of soiled diapers and mold and god knows what else had died around here . combined with the baby that never stopped crying and ella skittering around the house like a frightened ghost , it was a wonder that ted was n't even crazier than he already was . he was n't even sure why he was still here . ted had been unconscious for most of the afternoon , ever since he 'd collapsed on the way to his truck . ella was already screaming about taking him back to the hospital by the time abee scooped him up and brought him inside . if ted took a turn for the worse , he might just do that , but there was n't much the doctors could do . ted just needed his rest , same as he could get in the hospital . he had a concussion and should have taken it easy last night , but he had n't and now he was paying the price . thing was , abee did n't want to spend another night sitting with his brother in the hospital , not when he was feeling better himself . hell , he did n't even want to be here with ted , but he had a business to run , a business that depended on the threat of violence , and ted was a big part of that . it was lucky that the rest of the family had n't seen what happened , and that he 'd been able to get him back inside before anyone noticed . christ , it stank in here-like a damn sewer-and the late afternoon heat only intensified the smell . pulling out his cell phone , he cycled through his contacts , finding candy , and hit send .	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she lifted her eyes to me and the confusion and pain i 'd expected to see was n't there . instead she was ... angry . `` you were going to marry that bitch ? she 's horrible , woods . i ca n't ... '' i covered her mouth with mine before she could say anything else . i was so damn relieved to hear the anger in her voice instead of hurt i just needed to reassure myself she was okay . della kissed me back with equal vigor then pushed me away . `` i still have got to pee , '' she said and stood up . i smiled as she ran to the bathroom . then the fact my father was going to know about della hit me and any humor that had been there was gone . if there was any way i could shut angelina up i would . she was a woman scorned . she 'd been tossed for someone else and she was furious . i reached for my iphone and turned it off . if he called tonight i was n't dealing with him . i would make sure della was nowhere near when i had this conversation with him . if he pushed me too far i 'd pack up and leave . della had a list of places she wanted to see and we 'd make sure to go see them all . the bathroom door opened and della walked out in a yellow bikini that barely contained her tits . just like the one she 'd had on that day at the beach causing every man around to drool . i watched her as she walked toward me . my eyes were on her chest . her tits bounced as she walked . `` saturday , '' i replied . she reached up and untied the bikini strap and let it fall to the ground leaving her brsts bare . did n't look like we were going back to the bonfire . `` it 's been seven days since i took the first pill , '' she said as she slipped her thumbs into the sides of her bikini bottoms and slowly slid them down her legs and stepped out of them . it had been seven days . i jerked my shirt over my head and stood up and grabbed her then threw her on the bed . `` here i was worried you were going to be upset because of my crazy ex and you come walking out of the bathroom giving me a strip tease . fuck , woman , you 're every damn fantasy i 've ever had . '' she threw her hands over her head and grabbed the headboard with both her hands . over and over again , '' she said opening her legs and arching her back playfully . i pulled my board shorts off and climbed on top of her . `` the first time it is gon na be fast because i ca n't wait . we 'll go slow and easy the next time , i swear . '' `` then fk me hard . '' i was gon na explode before i even got inside her if she kept this naughty little temptress act up . i lifted her hps and slammed into her in one hard move . oh god , yes , '' she cried out and i let any concern about taking care of her go . she wanted the bad boy and i was real ready to unleash him . the idea of coming inside her was making my balls tighten just from the thought . i would n't be able to stop tonight . i was going to fk her all over this house . i slid out and back in over and over again as she writhed beneath me . she was begging and crying my name . her nails clawed at my back and i knew her marks would be there tomorrow . it made me even more insane . i wanted her marks all over me . just as thoroughly as i was about to mark her psy . della lifted her knees and squeezed my hps with her legs . `` i 'm gon na come , '' she panted . now , i 'm , ahhhh , '' she cried out and her nails dug into my back as she held onto me . i let her squeeze me until i exploded inside her . my body shook as i drove into her one last time as my seed flooded her walls . i wanted to shout in triumph knowing this was mine . nothing my family wanted or demanded could make me walk away from this . della i drank coffee while i sat out on woods ' porch and watched the waves break against the sand . i had been forbidden to go to work today . woods said he 'd have to deal with his dad and having me there would stress him out . he was worried about me getting hurt . after the night we 'd spent , i was too weak to do much of anything else . so , i 'd agreed and stayed here . if working at the club was going to be an issue i 'd need to get a job somewhere else . but that had n't been an argument i wanted to deal with today . last night 's high was still with me . i 'd lost count of how many orgasms i 'd had but i knew woods had come inside me five times . each and every time had been memorable .	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even if retreat was to defend , cal could n't stand and do nothing while his family was inside . `` i need to be in there , need to close down when the event 's over . '' `` we 'll all go back , '' quinn linked her cold fingers with cal 's . `` these performances are always of pretty short duration . it lost its audience , and unless it 's got enough for a second act , it 's done for tonight . inside , the tea lights glimmered softly , and the hearts glittered . the polished dance floor was unstained . cal saw his parents dancing , his mother 's head resting on his father 's shoulder . when she caught his eye and smiled at him , cal felt the fist twisting in his belly relax . `` i do n't know about you , but i 'd really like another glass of champagne . '' quinn blew out a breath , as her eyes went sharp and hard . `` then you know what ? f ox was sprawled on the couch watching some drowsy black-and-white movie on tv when cal and quinn came into the rental house after midnight . `` layla went up , '' he said as he shoved himself to sitting . `` she was beat . '' the subtext , that she 'd wanted to be well tucked away before her housemate and cal came up , was perfectly clear . yeah , she handles herself . anything else happen after we left ? '' cal shook his head as his gaze tracked over to the window , and the dark . `` just a big , happy party momentarily interrupted for some of us by supernatural blood and spiders . `` yeah , except for the fact these women buy diet pepsi . classic coke , '' he said to quinn . `` a guy has to have some standards . '' `` we 'll look right into that . thanks , fox . '' she stepped up and kissed his cheek . `` for hanging out until we got back . '' it got me out of cleanup duty and let me watch ... '' he looked back at the little tv screen . you ought to think about getting cable . espn . '' `` i do n't know how i 've lived without it these last few days . '' he grinned as he pulled on his coat . `` humankind should n't live by network alone . call me if you need anything , '' he added as he headed for the door . cal trailed behind him . after a murmured conversation , fox sent quinn a quick wave and left . `` i asked if he 'd bunk at my place tonight , check on lump . i 've got coke and espn . '' `` you 've got worry all over you , cal . '' `` i 'm having a hard time taking it off . '' `` it ca n't hurt us , not yet . it 's all head games . mean , disgusting , but just psychological warfare . '' `` it means something , quinn . '' he gave her arms a quick , almost absent rub before turning to check the dark , again . `` that it can do it now , with us . that i had that episode with ann . `` and you have to think about it . you think a lot , have all sorts of stores up here . '' `` the fact that you do is , well , it 's comforting to me and oddly attractive . after this really long , strange day , it might be good for us not to think at all . '' take a break , he told himself . take some normal . walking back to her , he skimmed his fingers over her cheek , then let them trail down her arm until they linked with hers . `` why do n't we try that ? '' he drew her toward the steps , started up . there were a few homey creaks , the click and hum of the furnace , and nothing else . `` do you- '' he cut her off by cupping a hand on her cheek , then laying his lips on hers . soft and easy as a sigh . `` no questions either . then we 'd have to think of the answers . '' just the room , the dark , the woman . that was all there would be , all he wanted for the night . her scent , her skin , the fall of her hair , the sounds two people made when they discovered each other . `` i like candles . '' she drew away to pick up a long , slim lighter to set the candles she 'd scattered around the room to flame . in their light she looked delicate , more delicate than she was . he enjoyed the contrast of reality and illusion . the mattress and box spring sat on the floor , covered by sheets that looked crisp and pearly against a blanket of deep , rich purple . his tulips sat like a cheerful carnival on the scarred wood of her flea market dresser . she 'd hung fabric in a blurry blend of colors over the windows to close out the night . and when she turned from them , she smiled . it was , for him , perfect . `` maybe i should tell you- '' he shook his head , stepped toward her .	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the trembling did begin to ease within a minute or two , and jamie opened his eyes with a sigh . `` claire , i 'm all right , now . but for god 's sake , get rid of that stink ! '' it was only then that i consciously noticed the scent in the room-a light , spicy , floral smell , so common a perfume that i had thought nothing of it . a scent for soaps and toilet waters . i had last smelled it in the dungeons of wentworth prison , where it anointed the linen or the person of captain jonathan randall . the source of the scent was a small metal cup filled with herb-scented oil , suspended from a heavy , rose-bossed iron base and hung over a candle flame . meant to soothe the mind , its effects were plainly not as intended . jamie was breathing more easily , sitting up by himself and holding the cup of water the monk had given him . but his face was still white , and the corner of his mouth twitched uneasily . i nodded at the franciscan to do as he said , and the monk quickly muffled the hot cup of oil in a folded towel , then carried it away down the hall . jamie heaved a long sigh of relief , then winced , ribs hurting . `` you 've opened up your back a bit , '' i said , turning him slightly to get at the bandages . `` not bad , though . '' i must have rolled onto my back in my sleep . '' the thick wedge of folded blanket meant to keep him propped on one side had slipped to the floor . i retrieved it and laid it on the bed beside him . `` that 's what made me dream , i think . i dreamt of being flogged . '' he shuddered , took a sip of the water , then handed me the cup . `` i need something a bit stronger , if it 's handy . '' as though on cue , our helpful visitor came through the door with a jug of wine in one hand and a small flask of poppy syrup in the other . `` alcohol or opium ? '' he asked jamie with a smile , holding up the two flasks . `` you may have your choice of oblivions . '' `` i 'll have the wine , if ye please . i 've had enough of dreams for one night , '' jamie said , with a lopsided answering smile . he drank the wine slowly , as the franciscan helped me to change the stained bandages , smoothing fresh marigold ointment over the wounds . not until i had resettled jamie for sleep , back firmly propped and coverlet drawn up , did the visitor turn to go . passing the bed , he bent over jamie and sketched the sign of the cross above his head . `` rest well , '' he said . `` thank ye , father . '' jamie answered drowsily , clearly half-asleep already . seeing that jamie would likely not need me now until morning , i touched him on the shoulder in farewell and followed the visitor out into the corridor . `` i 'm most grateful for your help . '' the monk waved a graceful hand , dismissing my thanks . `` i was pleased to be able to assist you , '' he said , and i noticed that he spoke excellent english , though with a faint french accent . `` i was passing through the guest wing on my way to the chapel of st. giles when i heard the screaming . '' i winced at the memory of that screaming , hoarse and dreadful , and hoped i would not hear it again . glancing at the window at the end of the corridor , i saw no sign of dawn behind the shutter . `` to the chapel ? '' `` but i thought matins were sung in the main church . and it 's surely a bit early , in any case . '' the franciscan smiled . he was fairly young , perhaps in his early thirties , but his silky brown hair was threaded with grey . it was short and neatly tonsured and he had a brown beard , finely trimmed to a point that just skimmed the deep rolled collar of his habit . `` very early , for matins , '' he agreed . `` i was on my way to the chapel because it is my turn for the perpetual adoration of the blessed sacrament at this hour . '' he glanced back into jamie 's room , where a clock candle marked the time as half past two . `` i 'm very late , '' he said . `` brother bartolome will be wanting his bed . '' raising his hand , he quickly blessed me , turned on a sandaled heel , and was through the swinging door at the end of the corridor before i could muster wits enough to ask his name . i stepped into the room and bent to check jamie . he was asleep again , breathing lightly , with a slight frown creasing his brow . experimentally , i ran my hand lightly over his hair . the frown eased a bit , and then resumed .	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once would be more than enough . night had fallen half an hour ago , and lanterns glowed in the street below , carried by soldiers passing to and fro . jamie would be at callendar house , searching for the window where i should be waiting . i had the absurd certainty , all of a sudden , that he had followed me , had known somehow where i was going , and would be waiting in the street below , for me to show myself . i rose abruptly and went to the window . the street below was empty , save for a seller of pickled herrings , seated on a stool with his lantern at his feet , waiting for the possibility of customers . it was n't jamie , of course . there was no way for him to find me . no one in the stuart camp knew where i was ; i was entirely alone . i pressed my hands hard against the glass in sudden panic , not caring that i might shatter it . `` mistress beauchamp ! are ye well ? '' the colonel 's voice behind me was sharp with alarm . i clamped my lips tight together to stop them shaking and took several deep breaths , clouding the glass so the street below vanished in mist . outwardly calm , i turned back to face the colonel . `` i 'm quite well , '' i said . `` if you 've finished asking questions , i 'd like to go now . '' `` would ye ? he looked me over with something like doubt , then shook his head decidedly . `` ye 'll stay the night here , '' he declared . `` in the morning , i shall be sendin ' ye southward . '' i felt a spasm of shock clench my insides . `` south ! his fox-fur eyebrows rose in astonishment and his mouth fell open . then he shook himself slightly , and clamped it shut , opening it only a slit to deliver himself of his next words . `` i have orders to send on any information pertaining to the highland criminal known as red jamie fraser , '' he said . `` or any person associated with him . '' `` i 'm not associated with him ! '' unless you wanted to count marriage , of course . colonel campbell was oblivious . he turned to his desk and shuffled through a stack of dispatches . `` aye , here it is . captain mainwaring will be the officer who escorts you . he will come to fetch ye here at dawn . '' he rang a small silver bell shaped like a goblin , and the door opened to reveal the inquiring face of his private orderly . `` garvie , ye 'll see the lady to her quarters . he turned to me and bowed perfunctorily . `` i think we shall not meet again , mrs. beauchamp ; i wish ye good rest and god-speed . '' i did n't know quite how fast god-speed was , but it was likely faster than captain mainwaring 's detachment had ridden . the captain was in charge of a supply train of wagons , bound for lanark . after delivery of these and their drivers , he was then to proceed south with the rest of his detachment , delivering nonvital dispatches as he went . i was apparently in the category of nonurgent intelligence , for we had been more than a week on the road , and no sign of reaching whatever place i was bound for . did that mean london ? i wondered , for the thousandth time . captain mainwaring had not told me my final destination , but i could think of no other possibility . lifting my head , i caught one of the dragoons across the fire staring at me . i stared flatly back at him , until he flushed and dropped his eyes to the bowl in his hands . i was accustomed to such looks , though most were less bold about it . it had started from the beginning , with a certain reserved embarrassment on the part of the young idiot who had taken me to livingston . it had taken some little time for me to realize that what caused the attitude of distant reserve on the part of the english officers was not suspicion , but a mixture of contempt and horror , mingled with a trace of pity and a sense of official responsibility that kept their true feelings from showing openly . i had not merely been rescued from a band of the rapacious , marauding scots . i had been delivered from a captivity during which i had spent an entire night in a single room with a number of men who were , to the certain knowledge of all right-thinking englishmen , `` little more than savage beasts , guilty of rapine , robbery , and countless other such hideous crimes . '' not thinkable , therefore , that a young englishwoman had passed a night in the company of such beasts and emerged unscathed .	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finally , she continued to make her way towards the village , suddenly fearing for her familys welfare , regretting giving the pouch to her mum . if they should find it on her , it would put them all in danger . finally arriving at the village , she remained on the outskirts , observing from afar , although she continued to feel danger surrounding her . however , she knew she couldnt remain there all night , so she hesitantly made her way around the back of their cottage , listening for anything unusual . but , there was nothing to be heard . making her way into the cottage , it was empty as she gasped in fright . where was her family , she panicked . searching around in all of their secret hiding places , she found no purse or other coinage . she took a satchel and stuffed a couple of her old dresses into it with other essentials with only the moonlight to guide her , shivering from the cool air with anxiety . she knew she couldnt remain , so after gathering her things , she proceeded to venture towards the door when it suddenly opened . standing in the doorway , a large figure loomed as sarah fainted to the floor from fright . sarah , sarah , a voice called to her from far away as she felt a cool rag on her forehead . me , it is , john , to taketh thy away , he continued . sarahs eyes popped open at the sound of his voice . in thy forest , he soothed . thou frightened me , she mumbled . thou naught thy intention , he claimed . thou must cometh quickly . danger surroundeth us . my family , where art thou ? gone , me awaiteth for thou , he conveyed . thou shall meeteth up with thy hither at the pub . methinks we should hurry , john implored . sarah gathered her satchel as john assisted her up , and together they traveled towards middlebury . it was several miles before they arrived at the pub as the morning sun arose high in the sky . as sarah remained behind in the trees , john searched for her family , finally asking a stable hand for a sighting of them . thou doth taketh thy coach this morning towards sussex , he reported . sarah had mixed feelings about the news , glad that her family was safe but distressed about her own future . though , they have thy coinage . sarah expressed . thy mum left thou some coinage , john announced , pulling it from his pocket . then , it is better if they go their separate ways . i fear we will be pursued , sarah predicted . fearest thou from whom ? elizabeth , at the manor , spied the messenger with thy coinage . sir george was in pursuit of me , sarah maintained . thou need not fear . me shall protecteth thou , john promised . thank you , john , but whence and where shall we go ? london , then thou shall cometh with me to america where thou shall be safe , john proposed . how might we accomplish thy plan ? thou waitest here . me think it is best for thou not to be seen , he directed as he visited with the stable hand to secure a single horse . how doth thou propose both of us ride thy one horse ? she inquired as he brought it out to where she was hiding . thou shall see , he replied as he mounted it , and then pulled her up in front of him . sarahs eyes widened as he held onto her tightly galloping off towards london . whence thy arrived , thou shall sell thy horse for passage to america , he proposed . sarah was suddenly scared of the proposition . although , it sounded exciting during the preparations , it had suddenly becoming a frightening reality . chapter six by this time , all of the manor had knowledge of the familys departure as sir george sent his men in search for them . he became suspicious , not just of the fact that they had disappeared , but how it was financed . elizabeth was more than willing to report williams visit . whereupon further questioning , he admitted delivering a pouch , although he denied knowledge of what it contained . his wife , lady alena , had been wise enough to distance herself by visiting her sister in the country . though , sir george was aware of missing coinage , although he couldnt be certain exactly what had become of it . he could only surmise . but , not one to be deceived , he headed out to find the answers . the trip was long and arduous for sarah and john , especially over the rutted road . at any sign of horses , they would hide in the forest until their passing . by nightfall , sarah was exhausted . needed thou rest ? yes , and i have some fare to partake , sarah indicated as they found a quiet area near the thames river . helping her down , john tied up the horse as sarah rummaged through her satchel for bread and meat . tis not much , but it will have to do , sarah remarked . whence doth thy think we should rest for thy night ?	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he did n't know this was n't what she wanted . he did n't even appear to move , but she felt the metal of his blade slide through her belly . she landed hard on the ground and her insides were oozing out of a neat opening . her paws were clumsy and could n't push all the organs back in . her own blood smelled like food and she was so hungry . she knew it was futile and that she was dying , but could n't stop herself from lapping it from the ground as she bled out . back inside of the real nika , her stomach rebelled at the acid taste of the blood , the thick , rotting smell of it . she shoved out of the thing 's mind , only to find herself trapped inside another . it was hiding from the man , waiting to strike as soon as he turned his back . only years of practice allowed her to pull back into her real body . god , she was so weak . she could barely lift her head . `` he 's in trouble , '' she managed to get out . `` the theronai who was with you tonight . '' `` i do n't know any theronai , baby , '' said andra in that patient , gentle voice she always used with her crazy sister . nika wanted to scream at her that she was n't crazy-her mind was just shattered into a thousand fragments that lived inside others-but she knew from experience that it never worked . when she shouted , the orderlies came with needles and put her real mind to sleep so that she had no place to retreat to . dreaming was a horrible collage of blood and hunger and war , with her mind trapped inside so many monsters . she could hardly stand being with tori anymore . the things they had done to her were hideous . she was n't even really tori anymore-she was something dark and twisted the synestryn intended to use as a weapon . but nika had promised tori she would n't leave her , so she had n't . not once in all these long , painful years . `` you have to warn him , '' said nika . `` there 's a sgath hiding nearby . behind him . '' `` how does she know about theronai and sgath ? '' `` i have no idea , '' said andra . `` but what i do know is that she 's been dead-on accurate all night . i suggest you listen to her . '' the truck slowed and then stopped . nika forced her eyes open , though the effort was nearly more than she could stand . she felt like a deflated balloon , empty and limp . `` who are you talking about , baby ? '' the name sounded right in her mind , like the wind roaring inside her had suddenly died down and she could hear herself think again . `` how do you know , child ? '' she turned her head toward him and saw a faint silvery light coming from within his eyes . she knew that light . that hunger . panic gave her strength and she scrambled away from the monster . `` he wants my blood . `` liar , liar , liar . '' oh , god , she was losing herself again , spreading back out into the night , back into the minds of the monsters who hunted and killed and shoved their sins into her soul each time they did . she called out to tori to help her , but there was no answer , and she could n't find her baby sister 's mind among all the rest . they pulled at her , stretching her into a thousand thin strands that she was sure would break . she had to stop fighting . let them have her . she 'd do anything to make it stop , even if she broke her promise to tori . `` i 'm sorry , '' she heard herself whisper . it was a good sound , her own real voice coming out of her own real mouth . she could take that sound with her and be at peace . nika went limp in andra 's arms . her breathing was labored , and andra could see the rapid beat of her heart in the veins along her temple . `` she 's dying , '' said logan . outrage and denial rose up in andra , consuming her . her iv bag is empty . we need to get her another . '' she prayed to god it was true . she could n't lose nika , too . if she did , she 'd have no one else . paul 's hand settled on her arm , and warmth and compassion fell like a blanket over her skin . she wanted to crawl into his lap and stay there , where she felt good . where nika would be safe . but that was artificial . whatever this thing between them was , it was n't real . just a bit of magic , probably designed to trick her . and even if it was n't , it did n't do a damn thing for nika . andra pulled her sister close and rocked her .	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he cocks one eyebrow and stares me down . `` i know you are , because grace is old enough to be my grandmother and is married to a rugby player . '' `` he 'd kill you if you made a move . '' `` grace 's wife . seventy-three-year-old female rugby player . '' leaving me with that interesting tidbit , he turns away and speaks into the phone . i take the opportunity to check my own phone . twenty-seven messages . nine from steve : what the hell , shannon ? i think he 's an emotional abuser . your car 's still here . i texted your mother . thank him for paying . ask him what he thinks about canford industries and whether it 's a good stock buy . i repeat it nine times . go ahead , steve . the fact that you texted my mother means ... yep . nine messages from her : you ditched steve for declan ? shall i start booking a spring 2015 spot at farmington ? i do n't even read the other eight . delete times nine . eight from amanda : your mother is texting me . you ditched steve ? is declan being emotionally abusive ? steve 's saying yes . steve is on twitter creating hashtags about you . i stop reading and call her , furious . i hiss into the phone . declan 's back is still turned , his shirt tail hanging out over that hot , tight ass i just had in my hands . now i 'm spewing invective at my best friend about my arrogant ex . something is very wrong with this picture . the candles still burn , the room is still filled with sex and promise , and i'm-venting about steve ? `` steve 's been calling and texting your mom and me about how declan appeared and made you leave . how scared and vulnerable you looked . how he thinks you 're being emotionally abused . '' i just had the most mind-blowing sex of my life while straddling declan in a limo and i have to deal with an ex who is acting like a middle school gossip girl ? a little too loudly , too , because declan frowns and walks toward me . i ca n't wiggle out of this one . `` nothing , '' i say with a chirp . i 'm turning into amanda . there 's no way i 'm telling her what declan just said to me , his heartfelt confession , because i ca n't even wrap my head and heart around the words . he said everything i feel , except with clarity . when i think the same words they just come out like unintelligible babble . `` just a ... work problem . '' `` not with an anterdec property ? '' `` no , no ... just a pest control issue , '' i hiss . i motion for him to go back to his call and suddenly , the room feels cold . i hear a decidedly masculine voice on the other end of declan 's call , the dissonance between my assumption it was grace and the male voice confusing . `` just because you do n't like what i have to say about her does n't mean you should ignore me . '' it 's james , his father . declan frowns at his screen and shows me his back . `` her '' ? does his father not like me ? or are they talking about some other woman ? i 'm being silly and self-centered . why would james mccormick 1 ) not like me ? that 's akin to not liking a golden retriever . i 'm the epitome of nice and 2 ) even bother with me . he only noticed me because declan pointed me out in that business meeting a few weeks ago , and almost bailed on a business trip to swing by my office , and saved my life ... hmmm . `` steve 's crazy , shannon , and we know it . your mom thinks you 're a feminist hero , though , for going on one date and leaving with another guy . '' amanda 's voice slices through my rapid-fire thoughts . `` i was n't on a date with steve ! i 'd rather get a brazilian wax with battery acid . '' `` ouch , '' she says in unison with declan , who is now off the phone and behind me , all heat and muscle bearing down , moving with a slight rhythm that tells me exactly what-and who-is coming next . `` got ta go , amanda . we 're in a lighthouse in the harbor and declan 's about to- '' click . `` about to ... ? '' he kisses my shoulder , taking the phone out of my hand as his thumb presses the `` power '' button . his chest is hot against my back and as he leans around me to set down my phone on the table , i realize his shirt 's unbuttoned . bare skin warms my cotton shirt and he turns me to face him .	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her body began to surge with huge sobs , and with tears begging to be released for those same things . mother ruby knew that this surge was to come . she held ruby tightly , and shepherded her daughters mind beside the still waters of her heart . she led her daughter into the centre of their new shared space , and in that space ruby heard things that sounded like words and yet which surpassed mere words , as mother ruby instructed her daughter in the things that she still needed to know . hush , my darling . we do not weep . these things that rout others , they shall not diminish us . we destroy evil , in the dread terror of the night , and we pray for healing in the morning . i am with you now , and i will always be . i will staunch your tears , and stand with you . we shall not be overcome . ruby expanded to fill her own place within her mothers mercy . ruby then turned back her tears , as her mother showed her , and they flowed within her like rain to wet the fields of her own heart . and out into the world flowed their opposite , a kind of cool spindrift of mercy and forgiveness , and it ran to those places where it was required , this peace flowing like a river to heal hearts that never dreamt that love could return to them . the tenderness of mother and daughter flowed out into the clear dawn , and it fell first upon the children of max fairlight . these innocents felt their hearts soften once more , to welcome the waters in , and they were set free to uncoil themselves and collapse finally , in relief and flooding tears . mother ruby sought out maxs wife especially , with her grave and urgent compassion . that stream broke open the great vault of her heart and merged with what was locked in there , a great tenderness of heart . this woman felt the merit she had heaped up in the world , especially as she had absorbed blows that were intended for her children , as she had continued to cherish them and uplift them , amidst the violence and the hatred of her marriage . that morning around the breakfast table maxs wife wept and embraced her three daughters , and as they wept also she knelt and dried their tears . these four lovely women held each other until all of the fear had gone out of them . they dried their eyes and even laughed , and thus returned their broken parts to wholeness , as they saw that it was safe to live again , not just to exist amidst the cruelty they had endured . ruby and her mother did not cease from flowing outwards for a long time . their love and forgiveness ran lightly outwards to soften and to heal every outrage that their victims of that night had committed . the fractured souls of children were knit and made whole again , and as they brightened and shone those children ran about laughing , laughing for the sheer relief of their redemption . so it flowed . poor kind men who had been bullied and broken felt lines of tension and shame leave their bodies , and they stood up straight again and felt their vigour and self-belief return . that morning careers were abandoned for much more benevolent careers , and hearts were enabled to love again , and spouses were reconciled into the love that had always resided in their hearts , without the fear that held that love from being poured out as it yearned to be poured . in that morning there was one man who wept with a special intensity , the bravest and most upright of the victims of max fairlight . as great tears of relief fell from his eyes , this beaten man felt his hardship lift from him , and he felt his old strength and bravery come back into his heart , his old hunger and thirst for doing what is right , whatever the cost . as his soul revived and decided , this man also felt the whispers of a greater love drift into his heart , although he did not yet have the ears to hear it . a love poem breathed into him , lifting him up . you the most favoured amongst the sons of men . his heart was exalted upon this secret psalm , he was raised up and set upon a strong foundation . the hard hills and the mountains you have climbed , we have sung to you , beloved . upon these lines this man felt his right hand strengthen , and his left extend itself outwards towards mercy . he felt sure again that justice could be done , and he felt suddenly that he might do justice also , and live a life than was different from the crawling , terrified life that his torture had condemned him to . without hearing the words , but having their whole healing , without knowing the words that were recited to him at all . sandra lee sandra lee megiddo was born in the very dark of the moon , the very point where the moon was most swallowed in darkness . the world also was dark , and her soul crept there amongst the bones of the living . it found itself admitted to a birthing suite and it waited , hunched there in the gloom , ready to cast out the soul of the child who was due to be born into the deep shadow of that night .	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sarah andrews , he decided on the spot , never had pimples as a teenager . `` so ... , '' he said , `` should i call you miss andrews ? '' `` no , sarah 's fine . '' `` okay , sarah ... '' he stopped , and after a moment sarah finished for him . `` you 're wondering why i needed to talk to you ? '' sarah glanced toward the folder in front of her , then up again . `` well , let me start by telling you how much i enjoy having jonah in class . he 's a wonderful boy-he 's always the first to volunteer if i ever need anything , and he 's really good to the other students as well . he 's also polite and extremely well spoken for his age . '' miles looked her over carefully . `` why do i get the impression that you 're leading up to some bad news ? '' `` well ... sort of , '' miles admitted , and sarah gave a sheepish laugh . `` i 'm sorry , but i did want you to know that it 's not all bad . tell me-has jonah mentioned anything to you about what 's going on ? '' `` not until breakfast this morning . when i asked him why you wanted to meet with me , he just said that he 's having trouble with some of the work . '' she paused for a moment , as if trying to collect her thoughts . `` you 're making me a little nervous here , '' miles finally said . `` you do n't think there 's a serious problem , do you ? '' `` i hate to have to tell you this , but i think there is . jonah is n't having trouble with some of the work . jonah 's having trouble withall of the work . '' `` jonah , '' she said evenly , `` is behind in reading , writing , spelling , and math-just about everything . to be honest , i do n't think he was ready for the second grade . '' miles simply stared at her , not knowing what to say . `` i know this is hard for you to hear . believe me , i would n't want to hear it , either , if it was my son . that 's why i wanted to make sure before i talked to you about it . here ... '' sarah opened the folder and handed miles a stack of papers . jonah 's work . miles glanced through the pages-two math tests without a single correct answer , a couple of pages where the assignment had been to write a paragraph ( jonah had managed a few , illegibly scrawled words ) , and three short reading tests that jonah had failed as well . after a long moment , she slid the folder to miles . `` you can keep all that . i 'm finished with it . '' `` i 'm not sure i want it , '' he said , still in shock . sarah leaned forward slightly . `` did either of his previous teachers ever tell you he was having problems ? '' miles looked away . across the yard , he could see jonah going down the slide in the playground , mark right behind him . `` jonah 's mom died right before he started kindergarten . i knew that jonah used to put his head down on his desk and cry sometimes , and we were all concerned about that . but his teacher did n't say anything about his work . his report cards said he was doing fine . it was the same thing last year , too . '' `` did you check the work he 'd bring home from school ? '' `` he never had any . except for projects he 'd made . '' now , of course , it sounded ridiculous , even to him . why , then , had n't he noticed it before ? a little too busy with your own life , huh ? a voice inside him answered . miles sighed , angry with himself , angry with the school . sarah seemed to read his mind . `` i know you 're wondering how this could have happened , and you 've got every right to be upset . jonah 's teachers had a responsibility to teach him , but they did n't . i 'm sure it was n't done out of malice-it probably started because no one wanted to push him too hard . '' miles considered that for a long moment . `` this is justgreat , '' he muttered . `` look , '' sarah said , `` i did n't bring you here just to give you bad news . if i did only that , then i 'd be neglectingmy responsibility . i wanted to talk to you about the best way to help jonah . i do n't want to hold him back this year , and with a little extra effort , i do n't think i 'll have to . he can still catch up . '' it took a while for that to sink in , and when he looked up , sarah nodded . `` jonah is very intelligent . once he learns something , he remembers it .	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i think i might try to actually find a real job somewhere , gina said with a hint of sadness . they had told me stories about how bitchy some of the designers were out west and even with their size 2 bodies , they still werent good enough to fit into clothes . something in my gut said more than likely it wasnt home sickness . or you could just come on tour with us , i suggested . and be like the official everlasting groupies ... but would there be enough room for us on the bus ? were getting a new one before the tour , i said . after the success wed had so far with the album and our video for you were young hitting almost five million views on youtube , we figured wed celebrate by investing in a brand new bus . you wouldnt believe how hard that is for them . theyve had it since high school . ohymgosh i cant believe this is happening ! they both shouted , and i had to move away the phone from my ear for a second . are you really sure they wont mind about having two extra girls hogging up their space ? three girls on the tour bus versus one ? i seriously doubted any of them would mind , even cale . i didnt want to give them a guaranteed yes , but i knew itd be a pretty easy decision . it gave raptor and luke a chance to get to know them better and they could learn the ropes of being on tour . ill talk to them tomorrow when we meet up for practice . youre the best , seriously , bethany said . now im really looking forward to coming home . weve already scheduled an appointment to look through an apartment in downtown detroit and a few others in the area . i miss you too , i replied to my two best friends , and we all said goodbye . having gina and bethany with me on this tour would be icing on the cake . itd be like the three amigos all over again . chapter 4 : mayhem cale you want mayhem ? well you got it im a walking basket case never know when im going to crack new years eve was coming up in a couple of days and we were supposed to play a new years eve bash at a club in cleveland along with angels from hell . this was the first time bryn was going to meet kallie and the rest of the group of her band . christmas came and went smoother than i had ever imagined . bryn spent the holidays at my moms house with me , and the other guys spent christmas with their families . of course we had our own little present giving time the day after , where i had given bryn a silver necklace with her birthstone an emeraldin the shape of a heart in the center of it . i felt sorry for bryn . no matter how dysfunctional her family was , i knew spending christmas with me wasnt the same as her parents or brother . before we stopped over to my moms that morning , bryn wanted me to take her to the cemetery where braydens ashes were buried . i had been around death before , but bryn said besides her grandparents death years ago , this was the first close person to her to die . despite what happened the day of the shooting slash attack , bryn balled her eyes out like a baby when she came up to braydens plaque with his name on it . i stood back and let her mourn . i watched her talk to the plaque , where behind it his ashes were in an urn . i heard her bring up the day he left and how she shouldve known he would have changed . after she turned back to me , i simply held her close as we walked back to my car . she didnt want to talk about it and i wouldnt push her . despite how he hurt bryn , brayden was still her brother , and now he was gone . so your friends are coming down for the show too , right ? i asked bryn as we sat in the middle of lozanos having a late lunch . bryns best friends from school , gina and bethany , were all moved back from california . once bryn knew about the great news , she called me . she even suggested us taking them on tour with us since we were getting out of the bus we had now . at first i was paranoid about how we werent going to have any room , even after getting a bigger tour bus , but i figured why not ? raptor and luke were especially excited about the news . raptor about shit his pants when bryn mentioned that gina and bethany were tagging along . he was worried about when he was helping set up equipment that hed take one look at gina and turn to complete mush and an amp would fall his foot . bryn wiped sauce off her chin and nodded . thats all theyre talking about , cale . you have no idea how star struck they get every time theyve watched us practice . its absolutely crazy because they were in cali and saw a bunch of celebrities out there , and it didnt faze them .	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ilysa asked with a smile . `` if this lachlan is loyal , he ought to come to the castle now that our chieftain is here . '' `` i expect he 'll arrive soon , '' cook said . `` i heard he was visiting his father , who is in poor health . '' `` truly , '' ilysa said , leaning forward , `` ye believe this lachlan would make the best captain ? '' `` aye , he has the respect of all the men here , '' cook said . `` they owe their allegiance to the chieftain , of course , but they do n't know him . most have n't laid eyes on him since he was a young lad . they 'll be more willing to risk their lives to fight at his side if they see lachlan there . '' `` i appreciate your telling me , '' ilysa said . `` ye should go to bed , lass , '' cook said , stifling a yawn . `` ye worked harder than any of us , and ye look tired . '' `` you go on , '' she said . `` i 'd like to sit here in the quiet and finish my cup of wine . '' despite running all day , or perhaps because of it , ilysa felt too edgy to sleep . besides , she would be sharing a bed with deirdre , and she was not in a hurry . tomorrow would be another long day , but it would be easier because she had won a key ally . cook was obstreperous , but he could work miracles in the kitchen with a little help and encouragement . when she could not keep her eyes open anymore , ilysa got up and lit a candle in the hearth fire to light her way to her chamber . as she left the kitchen , she heard something and paused before starting up the stairs . was that a light under the door to one of the storage rooms ? the last door did have a sliver of light under it . leaving a candle or torch unattended overnight was dangerous . tomorrow , she would find out who was responsible and speak to them . in the meantime , she would put it out . she pushed the door open with her hip and then sucked in her breath . she was too stunned to move . in the warm glow of the torch in the wall bracket , she saw a pair coupling on the narrow wooden table . the woman moaned as the table rocked with the rhythmic thrusts of the man standing between her legs . the woman 's bodice was pushed down to reveal ample , rosy-tipped breasts , and her golden hair spilled over the sides of the table . rich , wine-colored skirts fell from the long , slender legs she had wrapped around her partner 's waist . o shluagh ! the woman on the table was deirdre . the couple 's obvious enjoyment brought a flood of unwelcome memories of ilysa 's brief marriage - the humiliation of her husband 's awkward attempts , his limp member pressing against her . so this was what it was supposed to be like . ilysa 's breathing went shallow as she watched how the man gripped deirdre 's hips while he thrust deep inside her . slowly , she moved her gaze up the man 's bare chest . when she reached his face , she started . his gaze was on her , and he had a wicked grin on his face . heat drenched her as she backed out and quietly closed the door . when ilysa reached her bedchamber , she undressed in the dark . her care was unnecessary . there was no one else in the bed , confirming that the lass she had seen in the storeroom was , indeed , deirdre . ilysa would be relieved when their guests departed . it was not that she begrudged deirdre her lover or the attention of all the men in the hall . no , there was only one man whose regard she envied . when she recalled how connor had looked at deirdre , she wanted to weep . exhausted as she was , ilysa stared up into the darkness . she had been so busy in the hours since she had gone to connor 's chamber to dress his wounds that she had succeeded in pushing the image of him naked from her mind . but now , as she lay alone in the dark , it would not leave her . it merged in her mind with the couple in the storeroom . what would it be like to have connor touch her like that ? to have him look at her with smoldering passion in his eyes as he ran his hands over her skin ? are ye any closer to choosing a new captain ? '' ilysa ventured to ask . even after a week of dressing connor 's wound , ilysa could not claim she was unaffected by being so close to him when he was bare-chested . but she was able to maintain at least an outward calm , and they usually fell into easy conversation . today , however , connor seemed distracted .	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the way she was seated on the old desk , knees spread , her skirt hiked above the top of her lacy pantalets with one stocking bunched at her ankle -- it was the most erotic pose he 'd ever seen . he rearranged his small clothes and buttoned his drop-front trousers . since he was fully roused , it was a difficult trick . when he looked back at her again she 'd pulled down her skirt , but she was still perched on the desk . `` it appears , '' he said woodenly , `` that we have sufficiently established that neither of us can be bought . '' he walked around to the other side of the desk and rang for cobb . she hopped down and twisted her fingers together in nervousness . she asked , white-lipped . `` summon the magistrate ? '' he tugged down his waistcoat , but nothing would disguise his current state . he sat in the leather desk chair before cobb arrived . `` i intend to protect the crown 's interest . and incidentally , yours . '' arabella sank into one of the heavy tudor chairs flanking the small fireplace as sebastian 's butler entered . `` contact our most reliable bow street runner and ask for a complete dossier on one fernand de lisle , also known as viscount gimois , currently attached to the french embassy , '' sebastian said crisply . `` i want known associates , current whereabouts and as well as the usual curriculum vitae , military training , weapon of choice , etc . '' arabella bit her lip to keep from interrupting . if fernand learned someone had taken an interest in his doings , it would only enrage him . and innocent people got hurt when fernand was angry . `` very good , your grace . it will take a couple days . '' mr. cobb made notes on a small pad of paper . `` tell him i need his best speed , but not to sacrifice thoroughness , '' sebastian added . `` oh , and be sure he understands discretion is paramount . the subject is not to know he is being investigated . `` of course , your grace , will there be anything else ? '' `` yes , i want de lisle watched , surreptitiously . if he puts so much as a toe out of line , i wish to know of it . '' mr. cobb nodded . `` immediately , sir . '' `` in addition , there is another matter of some delicacy and importance . there is a certain family i wish to safeguard , but they are not to know they have been brought under my protection , '' sebastian said . `` miss st. george , the name of your brother-in-law and the location of his residence , if you please . '' arabella 's breath caught in her throat . sebastian was going to protect her lisette . if he trotted out that ridiculous contract again , she 'd sign it without a second thought . anything to repay this bounty . she gave mr. cobb the information he needed . `` special attention is to be given to the child , '' the duke said . `` we have reason to believe she might be in danger . i want regular reports on her well-being . is there anything else you require , miss st . so that was the full power and majesty of a dukedom . all he need do was give the word and her problems faded away . but he did n't know fernand , and she did . `` however , you should be aware that the vicomte is formidable . it would be a mistake for you to underestimate him . '' `` and it is a mistake for you to underestimate me . '' sebastian 's dark eyes flashed a warning . `` of course , your grace , '' she said , using his title for mr. cobb 's benefit . `` i ask your pardon and thank you for your assistance . '' he waved her thanks away as if the fact that he 'd just assured her daughter 's safety was a small matter . `` now i think we have delayed your ride long enough . cobb , please escort miss st. george to the stable and see that fletcher saddles the mount of her choice . then return with all speed . another matter which requires our attention has just occurred to me . '' then sebastian pulled a sheaf of papers from his desk and buried his nose in them , clearly dismissing her . `` are n't you riding , too ? '' `` if i find i can spare the time . in the meanwhile , take fletcher with you . my head groom is quite knowledgeable and will show you around the estate . '' she followed mr. cobb out , her chest aching strangely at sebastian 's cold dismissal . she 'd heard he was called the ice duke . * * * * * as soon as bella left , sebastian paced his study , trying to make his body settle . fool , he cursed himself . the woman disordered his entire life and he rewarded her by helping her . if neville named him cork-brained , he would n't be far wrong .	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`` i 'm not - '' nicole suggested , `` what if we find some manly soap ? i bet uncle alessandro does n't like to smell like a girl either . '' elise came out the back door of the large house and wagged a finger at her nephew . `` matteo , come in the house right now . look , you 've gotten nicole 's pants dirty ! '' nicole looked down at her little captor and back up , and came to a quick decision . i was running down the hill and i fell . matteo was just helping me up . '' elise nodded , knowingly . `` well , matt , how lucky that you were there to help nicole . let 's go get cleaned up . '' matteo looked up with pleading eyes . nicole asked , `` elise , do you have ivory soap ? i 'm allergic to scented soaps . '' elise cocked a curious eyebrow at nicole who merely shrugged . matteo said , `` sorry about your pants , nicole . '' nicole said , `` it 's ok. '' and it was . she looked down at the stains on her left knee and knew that her pre-dinner adventure would likely be told and retold as a new andrade family story , and there was a certain amount of pride in that . matteo said , `` want to race later ? '' nicole realized that he was now holding her hand rather than the other way around and her heart did a funny sort of summersault in her chest . and together they went into the bustling house . victor andrade tapped his wife 's arm and stood the moment nicole entered the house . nicole froze in the foyer , hardly noticing when someone slipped matteo 's hand out of hers and led him off to get cleaned up . `` nicole , you came ! '' victor said in a welcoming tone she 'd never heard in her own father 's voice . katrine kissed one of her cheeks and hugged her like a mother who has n't seen her child in too long a time . nicole stepped back and almost fell . katrine grabbed her arm at the last moment and steadied her . `` it 's good to see you , nicole . '' stephan 's father walked over and nicole stiffened in anticipation of what might be another awkward embrace . instead , he stopped and simply touched one of her cheeks . `` it only took my son seven years to come to his senses . '' nicole could n't meet victor 's eyes . `` his anger was justified . i ... '' victor 's hand dropped and his jaw clenched , his voice raising with emotion . nicole shrank a little without realizing it . katrine said , `` victor , you 're scaring the poor girl . nicole , do n't mind my husband 's mood , he 's upset with himself , not you . we were overjoyed to hear that you and stephan had made up . '' then she linked arms with nicole and said , `` come on , nicole , elise is in the kitchen and she 's been talking about you all day . she 'll be thrilled that you came . '' nicole allowed herself to be led away . much to nicole 's amazement , elise was actually cooking . the large kitchen contained several ovens and heating elements on a center island . every area seemed to be in use . apparently , nicole did not hide her shock well , because elise asked , `` do you cook , nicole ? '' once again , nicole felt like an unprepared outsider . no one she knew cooked . they had cooks . cooking was messy and in general considered a waste of time by those in her small circle of acquaintances . elise asked , `` you never cooked with your mother ? '' katrine jumped in quickly and said , `` elise , you know ... '' elise went pink , then rushed to nicole 's side . `` i forgot , nicole . you must think i 'm a horrible person . i keep saying the wrong things around you , when all i really want is for you to feel welcome . '' there was no doubting the sincerity of the older woman . nicole said , `` i do feel welcome and please do n't worry . i would n't be here if i did n't enjoy your company . '' katrine said , `` is n't she everything i said she was ? she 's exactly what stephan needs . '' this time nicole blushed . as if sensing nicole 's discomfort at continuing to be the topic of discussion , elise answered the questions nicole would n't ask . `` you 're wondering why we do n't have someone cook for us , are n't you ? we often do . if it 's just alessandro and me , our house cook will throw something together for us . and richard makes the sunday feast . when the family gathers , the food is part of the love , no ? '' nicole shrugged awkwardly .	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her head rested on his shoulder again as if she no longer had the strength to hold it up . he could feel her breaths huff out in tiny little bursts against his neck . it was then he felt the desolation and ... the acceptance . she 'd resigned herself to death . embraced it even . sorrow surrounded him , pulled at him . she knew she was dying but she did n't want to die out here in the cold . in the unknown . she did n't want to die afraid . helpless rage . he wanted to hit something but he remained still , not wanting to add to her pain . he met the gazes of diego and terrence . `` we do n't have much time , '' he said in a low voice . `` we need a backup plan yesterday . '' he stared hard at his teammates , his lips curled up in a snarl . `` she 's not dying on my watch . find us a place we can hunker down and give her some time to heal . we 'll figure out a plan after she 's taken care of . '' `` we need to find a place for you to stay with grace while we scout , '' diego said . `` that 's our first priority . '' terrence nodded his agreement . rio glanced over his shoulder but he sensed that grace had slipped under again , no longer aware or maybe no longer caring of her surroundings . he knew he had to move fast . he did n't have much time because she was fading more rapidly by the minute . `` you hang in there , grace , '' he said fiercely . she did n't even stir . rio 's men gathered in a tight perimeter and they struck out again , this time heading back up in elevation and away from where the suvs were parked . terrence fell in beside rio and murmured in a low voice , `` i can radio sam . tell him what 's up . ask for backup . he could send a helo in . might take the better part of a day but we 'd be out of here . '' rio knew the best thing , the right thing , was to report back to his boss . if he had such a thing . true , he worked for kgi . his men technically worked for kgi . but rio was his own man and his men were loyal to him . they went where he went . followed his orders . his gut told him he did n't entirely trust the situation at the kgi compound . resnick was involved . their cia contact was up to his ears in the mess with grace and her sister , shea , only rio did n't know to what extent . but he had a bad feeling , a very bad feeling , and it was why he had n't yet reported in to sam about their progress or that they 'd been close to recovering grace . part of his reasoning was that he had n't wanted to get shea peterson 's hopes up . she was desperate to locate her sister , and rio had made her a promise . he 'd promised shea that he 'd keep her sister safe . if he called in kgi , they 'd most assuredly come . but he could n't rid himself of the feeling thatelyfeeling it was n't what was best for grace . each time he started to agree and tell terrence to check in with sam , get the ball rolling , his stomach coiled into a knot and his instincts screamed at him to stand down . `` i 'll make the call , '' rio finally said . he had to talk to sam himself . had to know what was going on and why he was so reluctant to relinquish grace into someone else 's care . right now he only wanted a place he could make grace more comfortable and hopefully start the healing process . he 'd bully her mercilessly if that 's what it took , but over his dead body was he going to lose her now that he 'd finally taken her from the people who 'd done so much damage to her body and mind . for the next hour , they climbed higher . the sun was starting its slow descent and the air grew cooler the higher they went . `` there , '' diego called , holding his hand up to halt the others . diego pointed to a series of large boulders jutting upward from the ground . resting against the side of a steep cliff , the boulders provided a natural shelter . the cliff wall provided cover from behind with no possible access . the only way in or out was the front and rio could easily pick off anyone coming hundreds of yards away . `` help me get her down , '' rio said , crisp urgency in his voice . browning and alton hurried to unwind the bonds securing grace to his back . decker and terrence lifted her weight and eased her away . rio stretched his aching shoulders and then hurried into the natural enclosure . diego tossed him his pack holding medical supplies and two canteens of water .	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his cck was so hard , dragging over sensitive nerve endings , slamming into her all the way to her womb . turning her on , driving her crazy , making her want more and more of him when he was already giving her everything . `` cole , '' she sobbed , her body spinning wildly out of control . let me- '' he reached down and stroked his thumb over her clit . once , twice , again and again as he continued to thrust furiously inside of her . and then he was cursing , pulling her up and off of him so quickly that she had no time to prepare . she locked on to the table with desperate hands to keep from falling . `` why- '' he growled something unintelligible at her as he reached for his jeans . pulling a condom out of his back pocket , he ripped it open with his teeth and started to roll it on . his eyes were blacker than she 'd ever seen them as he handed her the condom , and her hands were shaking so badly she was n't sure she 'd even be able to do the job . she knew only that she wanted to touch him , to do this intimate thing for him before she took him back into her body . so with trembling hands , she slipped the condom over his tip and stroked him-hand over hand-as she rolled it on . `` enough , '' he growled , grabbing her hands and pinning them behind her back . `` one more touch and i 'll come before i ever get inside you . '' she purred , arched back so that her nples were in his face . luxuriated in the feeling of being taken . wallowed in the strength he wore so effortlessly . then he was leaning down , pulling one of her nples into his mouth . her knees buckled and she cried out , reaching for him in an effort to stay upright . he caught her effortlessly , lifted her off the floor and continued to suck as he lowered her slowly-so fking slowly she nearly screamed-onto his raging-hot cock . he was huge , long and hard and so wide she felt every inch of him against the walls of her psy as he slid in . he scraped over delicate nerve endings , took her higher and higher with each inexorable jerk of his hips . she bucked against him , tried to rush him , but he used his free hand to hold her hps still . `` i want to touch you , '' she gasped , yanking against the tight hold he had on her wrists . her arms were still pinned behind her and she was completely at his mercy , able to take only whatever it was he chose to give her . he buried his face in the curve of her neck , bit her shoulder in an effort to establish dominance-as if she did n't already know who was in control . but it grated on her-not the bite , but cole 's need to control every second of their time together . he drove her crazy , took her higher than she 'd ever dreamed possible , but that was n't enough for her . she wanted , needed , to do the same for him . with that thought in mind , she pushed her knees into his sides and slowly-oh , so slowly-clenched the muscles of her sex around him . she felt his response in the jerk of his cock , saw it in the clenching of his jaw as he fought to maintain control . she did it again , squeezing a little bit harder , a little bit longer before she released him . `` stop it , '' he growled , his free hand coming down hard on her ass . she threw her head back and laughed , even as she tightened the muscles again and again . his voice was low , warning , more animal than human as she continued to caress him with her body . he was getting ready to lose it-she could feel it in the thighs that trembled beneath her own and the hand that clenched more firmly around her wrists . she wanted him to lose it , wanted him to plunge inside of her with all the darkness and passion and emotion he had inside of him . she wanted him as crazy and out of control as she was . she wanted him every way she could have him . `` come on , cole , '' she whispered tauntingly . `` fuck me like you mean it . '' he released her hands with a roar , his fingers clenching on her ass to keep her in place as he stood . he took two long strides , slammed her back-hard-against the kitchen wall . `` you asked for it , '' he growled , as his hps began to piston against her . harder , deeper than before , he pounded into her . again and again he slammed his cck inside her , until she was overwhelmed . completely taken over by him . and still he surged inside of her . each quick , hard stroke of his dick a branding that told her exactly who owned her body . genevieve moaned as she wrapped her arms around him and held his shaking , furious body against her own .	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i am convinced that you understand the niceties of english grammar sufficiently as to use the present tense correctly , mr . fraser raised one thick red brow , though no expression of concern showed on his face . `` it leaks like a sieve , '' he repeated . `` how do you know that it does , unless you are presently in contact with someone there ? '' fraser rubbed a finger under his nose , regarding him , then turned back to his work , shaking his head . `` your brain 's like to burst , major , and ye dinna give over thinking so much , '' he said , not unkindly . he shoved the pitchfork under a mound of manure-matted straw and heaved the muck out through the open door . `` ye ken well enough that the terms of my parole dinna permit any such thing . '' that was quite true ; grey had written those terms , and fraser had signed them . he recalled the occasion vividly ; it was the first-but not the last-occasion on which he had been sure that only the presence of armed guards kept fraser from breaking his neck . it was apparent from the scot 's ironic expression that he recalled the occasion , too . `` and if i wasna sufficiently honorable as to abide by those terms , major , '' he added evenly , `` i should have been in france a week after setting foot in this place . '' grey forbore to take issue with the notion of someone of fraser 's striking appearance being able to travel the roads without being noticed , or to cross fifty miles of open fell on foot , without cloak , food , or shelter-not least because he was convinced that the man quite possibly could have done so . `` i would never suggest a breach of honor on your part , mr. fraser , '' grey said , and was mildly surprised to find that true . `` i apologize if my question might have implied any such suggestion . '' fraser blinked . `` accepted , major , '' he said , a little gruffly . he paused , gripping the fork as though about to return to his work , but then the muscles of his shoulders relaxed . `` i said that the stuart court leaks like a sieve , major , because both king james and his son are still alive , and the same men still surround them . so far as i am in a position to know , '' he added , with a glint of dry humor . `` you do n't think they 've given up ? '' grey asked curiously , choosing not to notice that `` king james . '' `` surely they have no hope- '' `` no , they have nay hope , and no , they 've not given up , '' fraser interrupted him , the dry note more pronounced . `` they 're scots , for all they live their lives in the shadow of st. peter 's . they 'll cease plotting when they 're dead . '' eighteen months as governor of ardsmuir was enough to have given him a useful estimation of the scottish character . the emperor hadrian had known what he was about , he thought ; pity later rulers of england had been less prudent . with that thought in mind , he chose his words carefully . `` i see no way to stop ye , major . '' but there was no rancor in fraser 's voice , and the light in his eye was the same that appeared when they played chess . wariness , interest-and readiness . `` if i were to release you explicitly from that provision of your parole-and were to forward any letter you cared to send , wherever you chose to send it , without question-would you be able to contact someone who would know the names of prominent jacobites in england ? it would have been someone active in 1741 . '' he 'd never seen fraser drop-jawed , and did n't now , but the scot plainly could n't have been more taken aback had grey suddenly kissed him on the mouth . `` that- '' he began , then broke off and shook his head . `` do you- '' he paused again , so patently appalled at the suggestion that words failed him . `` do i know what i ask ? yes , i do , and i am sorry for it . '' silence hung between them for a moment , broken by the champing of horses and the call of an early lark in the meadow beyond the stable . `` please believe that i would not seek to make use of you in this fashion , were there any other choice , '' grey said quietly . fraser stared at him for a moment , then pushed the fork into the heap of soggy straw , turned , and went out . he walked off into the growing dusk , to the paddock , and there stood , his back turned to grey , gripping the upper rail of the fence as though trying to reestablish his grip on reality . grey did n't blame him . he felt completely unreal himself . fraser asked bluntly , turning round at last . `` for my father 's honor . 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alyssa was amazing . connected ... or something . he sighed , then grimaced . `` i really wish i 'd had more control . alyssa was so tight . she said she had n't had sex in nearly two years . '' then why did she agree to fk us in the first place ? '' after hesitating , luc shook his head . i 'll send her flowers tomorrow and that will be it . '' `` you 're not going to see her again ? '' somehow that did n't surprise deke . luc never liked to be reminded of his losses of control . still hot for her ? '' luc slanted deke a sly stare . `` if we come back here , are you planning to fk her ? '' deke frowned as light bulbs went off in his head . `` that 's why you brought me here , is n't it ? you knew i would n't fk her . '' if you 'd touched her , i would have known that you were n't in love with kimber . '' shit , now he 'd dug his own grave . luc had the proof he needed to keep needling him to try and win kimber back . and he would be relentless . chapter 11 after the concert , the suite was packed . band members , press members , roadies , groupies-all kinds of people crammed the hotel room that only hours ago had felt enormous . alcohol flowed everywhere . white , powdery lines were laid out on the glass-top coffee table a few feet away . a young woman , maybe legal , knelt and sniffed . around her , a handful of partygoers gathered , waiting their turn . in the corner , ryan had an inebriated , braless blonde on his lap . her nples stabbed her tight turquoise shirt as ryan fondled them using one hand . his other hand snaked up her skirt , pulled her thong free , and toyed with her sex-in plain view . kimber looked away when he unsnapped his leather pants . jesse lived like this ? people she did n't know were grabbing her to congratulate her on her engagement . the engagement that had completely blindsided her mere hours ago and she had n't agreed to . hurting jesse 's feelings was n't something she wanted to do , but there was no way in hell she could live this sort of life . the door to the suite opened , and jesse sauntered in , bright , perfectly symmetrical smile in place . the little crowd cheered . ryan paused in banging his blonde to wave . at jesse 's back , call scowled and took in the scene , grousing something in jesse 's ear . it caused jesse 's smile to turn to thunder , and he whirled , fists clenched . hmm , whatever call said , jesse did n't like it . the pair exchanged words . ugly words , kimber guessed from their body language . then jesse stormed off . and stomped in her direction . he forced a new smile and grabbed her , hauling her off the sofa and into his arms . `` let 's step outside and get away from all this . '' more than eager for the opportunity to talk to jesse , she did n't resist when he grabbed her hand and led her across the room . they headed toward the sliding glass door and the balcony outside , practically stepping over the latest line-sniffer and tripping over an energetically thrusting ryan . ryan asked , then thrust up into the blonde straddling him again . jesse 's gaze drifted over her . in the last few moments , ryan had removed the girl 's top and her bare brsts bounced with every upward surge he made into her pliant body . she was flushed , eyes hazy and half open . and she looked wasted out of her mind . `` yeah ... why do n't y'all find a bedroom ? call will chew my ass out if you keep fking her in front of everyone . '' `` all right , but join us , man . her p*sy is tight , and she wants a cck up her virgin ass , which she saved for you . '' kimber recoiled . she was pretty sure that the blonde was n't in her right mind at the moment and could n't possibly know what she actually wanted . after a surreptitious glance in her direction , jesse shook his head . `` i 'm going outside with kimber , bro . find a bedroom . '' ryan rolled his eyes and grumbled , but he stood and lifted the blonde up , keeping her impaled on his dick and urging her to wrap her legs around him . god , she really could n't stay here . as the door to the suite slid shut behind them , humid summer air wrapped around them , hot and restless . jesse curled his arm over her shoulder and sighed .	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yeah , she 'd really thought he might boast to his buddies that he 'd managed to nail candace 's frigid best friend in his backseat , and she would die of mortification , and that would be that . as far as she knew , he had n't breathed a word of it , and he would n't have even if she had n't asked it of him . reaching up , she captured his face between her hands . she could look at that face forever , she realized . so full of character , so beautiful . she 'd laughed more with him in the past couple of weeks than she had in the entire year . and she had to leave him . the thought of not touching him , not hearing his laughter in her ear or seeing that devilish glint in his eyes for who knew how long , laid her heart wide open . `` i 'm really going to miss you , '' she said , hating how banal it sounded . if those damn threatening tears began to win out , she was going to have to let them . they would speak more for her feelings than her voice ever could . a little bit in love , my ass . `` macy ... '' her transition into his arms was seamless ; she did n't know if she went into them or if he pulled her in first-it was simply a fluid , instinctive motion . as if they both knew she belonged there . `` i do n't know what to say , '' he breathed into her hair , squeezing the air from her . chapter seventeen there were so many reasons he dreaded her leaving . for one , once she was gone it meant he would have to face what was waiting for him at the hospital , and he did n't know if he could take it . for another , he 'd be left staring at the happy fking baby-making couple without her comforting voice of reason at his ear or her calming presence by his side . last but most importantly ... god , he had n't realized just how much he was going to miss her until he watched her friend 's car pull up front , and it hit him like a kick in the gut . `` there they are , '' she said quietly , standing from the porch swing where they 'd been swaying mostly in silence for over an hour . without her warmth curled almost protectively against his side , the cold seeped in , but she did n't let go of his hand as he stood and followed her down the steps . candace bailed out of the passenger 's seat and rushed forward , hugging him and saying how sorry she was for everything , how she and brian were there if he needed anything done back home , but he heard it and watched it all through a fog . brian had already told him that on the phone . told him to take all the time he needed , and he would still have a job whenever he was ready for it . damn , he hated letting him down or leaving him in a bind . he wanted to ask macy to stay . at least for a day or two . the impossibility of it did n't make it any easier to resist . her friends had already come all this way . she had a life , and he was n't a permanent-enough presence in it yet for an interference of that magnitude . besides , even if by some miracle she did n't shoot him down cold , it would only be that much worse when she finally did go back . he was getting way too ahead of himself , dumping all this on her . she 'd end up running before they even had a fair shot . hell , he was damn lucky she had n't already . `` you are a saint , '' candace was saying , hugging macy now . that much he knew , and he hoped macy did too . she was an angel on earth to go through the last twenty-four sleepless hours with him . `` i 'm a sleepy saint , '' macy said . her eyelids drooped a little . he 'd thought a couple of times she 'd been dozing on the swing . still , she was beautiful , her skin a little flushed from the chill , her hazel eyes no less clear for the apparent drowsiness . we 'll leave you alone and you can sleep all the way home . '' samantha came around the front of her suv . `` i brought pillows and a blanket for you , even . '' the two exchanged a quick hug and macy asked if she could retrieve her purse from ghost 's car . he got it for her , making sure his fingers brushed hers as he handed it over . her gaze met his , held there and spoke volumes her friends could n't hear . there were no words , anyway . maybe that was part of his fking problem ; he never knew how to say the words to keep someone from leaving him . macy was different from anyone he 'd ever been with , though . he 'd thought that about brooke once too , had n't he ? and she was pregnant with his brother 's kid .	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at five foot seven , he stared back at them with dark green lightly speckled black eyes . his hair was jet black and gelled back . his adolescent features were chiseled and thin for his age . he was dressed in a formal dark black suit with gray pinstripes . the mysterious figure surveyed zack . he checked out the clothes he had on first . he glared and then shifted his attention to kyli . he didnt appear to be pleased . and why is he wearing one of my suits ? the young man wasnt happy but there was an excitement to his words that betrayed his tone . the voice seemed familiar to him . he had heard it somewhere before , but couldnt place it . he thought about it as she smiled back . nice to see you too , she was sarcastic . the questions gave him all the information he needed . he knew who this was . he didnt want to admit it , even to himself , but he knew . before she spoke again , before their heated discussion took flight , he knew the relationship of this seemingly young man standing in front of him , even if he still couldnt place where he knew the voice from . he spoke first , its nice to meet you mr. waterfield . daddy , this is zack giver . hes a- she was cut off . -a vampeal , her fathers tone was short and livid . well , y- she was cut off again . yes , i know what he is . but why is he wearing my suit ? he could feel the tension grow between them . she stepped in , hes a boy i met at the club . were going to see marins concert tonight . do you need to know his blood type as well ? it was clear she didnt like to explain herself . her father scoffed at the mention of marins name . zack needs to borrow your suit for the night , she asserted herself . zack is it ? her father stepped forward to get a close up view of his face . there was a nervous tension in his eyes . he knew something that he wouldnt admit . thats my name , he held his ground . his muscles tensed but he stood straight under the pressure of the moment . im david waterfield . its a pleasure to meet you , zack , he extended his left hand firmly . he politely shook davids hand in return . his skin was cold and slightly clammy . it was frail . it was a distinct difference to kyli . they felt and looked nothing alike . he wondered how exactly they could be related . david lightly gripped his hand . he flexed then let go , come in . i have one condition if youre going to marins concert in my suit . he examined davids face . he was prepubescent with no sign of facial hair or an adams apple . he was obviously turned in his youth but his apparent age was disturbing . if david was the vampire parent and kylis mother was human , then it meant that david conceived with someone that was physically older than him , but mentally far younger . it was an odd fleeting thought . he shook his head and dismissed it . all three walked into the loft . the room was an opposite copy of kylis floor plan . there were still hardwood floors but the taste of the room was very different . black resin coated floors glistened as the reflection of the overhead recessed lights casted shadows on everything . he was impressed by the amount of lighting . more than two hundred individual bulbs blanketed the ceiling of the room . the perspective of them changed as you moved through the living room . what was left of the ceiling was nearly holographic from the small seemly random spots of acrylic black finish . dark angular chairs finished out the room . there was no couch . there didnt appear to be any forms of entertainment either . davids personality showed through this room . he was a very astute person , not one to bother with the comforts of a home . it was a dwelling alone to him . david went to the bedroom closet . zack needs to borrow a few things for the concert tonight , she was direct as she made her request . david looked at her for a moment . he clearly wanted to confirm something in her eyes . a piece of information that they wanted to keep hidden between them . youre asking me for a favor ? he contemplated something greater . do you enjoy stealing my suit to parade your latest toy around at a show ? no daddy , its not like that . im helping him , she argued . youre always helping people , david stood still . he was almost too motionless . he appeared inanimate . zacks not like the others , she contested . so he has a job ? davids words were harsh . well actually , yes , i have a job as an apprentice carpenter , his voice was smooth and his timing was perfect . it shut down davids complaint . he didnt say anything in turn . his eyes were steely as he came out of the closet with a bright red tie .	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that 's what grown-ups do , she reminded herself . not every job was full of glamour and mystery . if she were to run home just because she was bored , she 'd be proving to everyone that she had n't grown up , at all . she would do her job , and on the weekends she would just have as much fun as possible . explore the beaches of italy , travel to nearby countries , and meet new people . it had been a while since she 'd connected with people she knew in this part of the world , but she was sure a few phone calls would have her reuniting with longtime friends . the only problem was that they were all upper-class friends , friends whose idea of fun was to attend lavish parties and rub shoulders with only the wealthy . at one time that had been enough for her , but she was bored with the very idea . she wanted to be just a regular person , live on her salary alone , and make a life for herself just as her brother did . ok , so he made billions , but who was counting ? halfway through the day her phone rang and she picked it up with relief . `` how are you settling in , rachel ? '' rachel smiled at the worried tone of her brother 's voice . even if he was slightly - ok , a lot - overbearing , she adored him . `` it 's wonderful here , '' she lied , putting as much enthusiasm in her voice as she could muster . rafe was thousands of miles away and could still hear the boredom in her voice . she 'd have to work on her acting . `` i 'm not fibbing , rafe . i am just very busy now , and do n't have time for personal calls , '' she said a bit haughtily , though she did n't really want to get off the phone . i 'm making a trip that way in a couple of weeks . make sure you pencil me in for lunch . '' we can swing over and visit with lia , '' she said , excited at the thought . her sister was n't too far away , but on a nearby island while working on her resort project . `` i have n't heard from lia in several days . i 'm beginning to grow concerned , '' he said at the mention of their sister 's name . `` i 'm sure she 's fine , rafe . you know that lia and i can take care of ourselves perfectly well , '' rachel told him . `` it 's not like her . she usually returns my calls . if i do n't hear from her in the next couple of days , then i 'll have to move up my trip . '' lia would kill him if he started treating her like a kid again . rachel decided that she 'd better change the subject . lia would owe her big later . `` have you gotten ari to speak to you yet ? '' that would get his hackles up . rachel loved ari even more for her ability to resist her big brother . rachel did n't normally like the women rafe dated , but she 'd bonded instantly with ari , and she 'd been sad when the two of them had broken up . but she had supported her friend , especially knowing what an ass and a tyrant rafe could be . ari was too good a person to deal with that . rachel did hope the two of them could eventually work it out , but the more time that passed , the more she doubted a happy ending was in store . `` not that it 's any of your business , but we have spoken , '' he replied smugly . `` from what i hear , you are stalking her in the classroom , '' she replied lightly . `` i just chose to take a history class . that is n't stalking , '' he said . `` and how do you know ? are you gossiping about me ? '' `` always , rafe . that 's what girls do best . plus , according to ari , you came in and asked her on a date in front of the whole class and then refused to leave . she also said your homework leaves something to be desired . '' rachel loved having the upper hand with her big brother - a guy who always tried to be in control . `` that is nonsense . i do n't fail at anything . my homework has been impeccable , '' he countered , making rachel laugh out loud . of course he 'd ignored her other comments . but i think i 'll believe ari on this one . '' he was trying to sound casual , but not quite pulling it off . `` we speak at least a couple of times a week . '' rafe blurted out . rachel knew he was surprised to be out of the loop with something that was going on in his family . just because you were a fool and broke her heart did n't mean that i was going to end our friendship . i really like ari , '' rachel said . `` i knew you still spoke to her , but i did n't realize it was so much .	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`` they 're joining us , right ? '' he picked up on my hesitation . `` they think it 's best if they lead them away , then once it 's safe , they want us to go home . '' have you all forgotten the photo , the bikers ? '' what do you mean the bikers ? '' `` do n't you remember , the date , the blindfold ? '' `` blindfold ? '' tink smirked . `` wait , '' i said , `` i do . we passed a whole lot of motorcycles . i thought it was weird because it was so cold . it does n't matter though benjamin and elizabeth are already gone . do you think the fact that the bikers were in boonsboro changes anything , tink ? '' tink plucked a piece of straw out of a hay bale by the door and stuck it in his mouth . `` wo n't start ? '' `` so tink , you do n't mind if i call you tink do you ? '' `` it 'll start if i pour gas down the carburetor , but it wo n't stay running . '' `` sounds like water in the gas or a plugged fuel line . '' i had water in the gas in the jeep once . '' `` does that mean you ca n't fix it ? '' `` did you check the fuel line yet ? '' tink asked jason . jason pointed to his sling . `` could n't really climb under the car , sorry . '' `` how about if i lift it ? '' tink offered . `` sure , piece of cake then . there are some tools over here on the bench . gas tank 's in the front of this one . tink went around to the front of the strange looking little car and lifted the nose . jason was on a roll around chair in the back with a wrench and a bucket . soon i could smell gasold gas , almost like kerosene . `` looks like the fuel line is clear , '' jason said . tink set the car down . `` looks like i 'm going for gas . '' tink grabbed a metal gas can from a shelf in the garage . `` and leave usalonewithout a chaperone ? '' jason mocked . tink grinned . `` i think she can handle you . '' `` that is so true , '' i cooed . `` maybe i should send you . '' tink pointed a finger at me . `` i 'll make this quicktoo quick , got it . '' i pulled jason up from the seat and wrapped my arm around him . tink grunted with displeasure , but started for the door . `` whoa , whoa , whoa , hold on a minute , '' jason said . `` did n't we agree that tink might be a target ? i 'm thinking maybe i should go . '' `` nah , closest gas is three or four miles away and besides , you were seen at the biker bar . i 'll keep out of sight and everything should be fine . '' `` well , '' i chimed in , `` in that case '' i pulled jason closer . tink winked and then left . `` you really should n't tease him like that , '' jason said , `` the guy 's got to be wound pretty tight . '' `` wound pretty tight ? '' `` you know , no girlsthe two of you weren'tyou did n't '' `` god nohe 's like a brother . '' he tried to hide it , but i could see jason 's smile . `` oh , well i just figuredyou know . '' `` well you 're wrongbesidesi have n't . '' `` same hereif you mean what i think you mean . '' `` hello , tink said quick . '' i let jason push me back against the car and kiss me . he was sweaty from working on the car , and his musky , masculinity was intoxicating , especially after the hunt . i was on fire , the good kind of fire and the burn in my throat was totally under control . jason slid his sling to the side , exposing his unbuttoned shirt . my blouse was still wet from the river and i swear it sizzled when jason pressed his body against mine . i pulled his face down against the nape of my neck . his hot , wet lips kissed me over and over until they reached my earlobe . some kind of sound , half animal , half human escaped from my lips echoed by jason . i was losing controlnot of my thirst , but of my lust and i was pretty sure jason had already lost control . either way , i could n't stopi did n't want tobut i had to . i lifted jason up off the floor , spun around and slammed him against the side of the car . he winced , but wrapped his legs around my waist , leaning forward , pressing his abdomen against my face . it sizzled against my skin , like bacon in a frying pan .	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`` and you 'll bring the jewelry with you ? '' he glanced down at the box in his hands and then back up to her , amusement twinkling in his eyes . `` if i were n't sure you 'd bail on tonight , i 'd give you the jewelry now . i have no interest in keeping something that evidently means so much to you . but if it gets you to dinner tonight then i 'll keep it as collateral . and yes , i 'll bring it . i do n't break my promises , josie . dinner with me , you get the jewelry . no matter what else happens . '' she breathed out , her shoulders sagging in relief . i 'll see you at seven thirty . '' he reached out to touch her cheek , his fingers just grazing her jaw . as he said the last , he let his hand drift downward until it touched the hollow of her throat where the collar had once rested . there was no mistaking his meaning . he wanted to know her status . what had happened to the collar . and why she was no longer wearing it . she sighed and then turned to walk away . how could she possibly explain that he was what had happened ? chapter six ash checked his watch as he stood in the lobby of the bentley hotel , one of the many hotels owned by hcm . he let out his breath in irritation as his gaze tracked toward the entrance once again . or perhaps she was n't coming . he would have bet any amount of money on her showing up . her mother 's jewelry obviously meant a great deal to her , and while he 'd been a complete bastard to blackmail her into having dinner with him , he could n't muster any real regret . not if it got him what he wanted . a few hours in josie 's company . he had a dozen questions simmering on his lips . he wanted to know why she was n't wearing the collar anymore . he wanted to know if the guy who 'd given it to her was out of the picture now . while it would n't change his plans if she had n't cut the other guy loose , it would certainly make things a hell of a lot easier for him if she were n't in a relationship . at a quarter to eight , ash straightened , realization slowly creeping in that she was n't coming . disappointment surged in his veins . not a common sensation for him . but if she thought he would be deterred by being stood up , she was wrong . it only hardened his resolve . he was about to pick up the phone to call for his driver when josie burst through the front entrance to the hotel . her cheeks were red and her hair was askew , as if she 'd been hurrying and the wind had played havoc with the long tresses . when her gaze lighted on him , she paused , standing several feet away as they locked eyes . he found himself walking toward her when , normally , he would n't be the first to make a move . people came to him . and yet , he wanted to close in before she changed her mind and bolted back out the door . `` josie , '' he greeted smoothly . `` sorry i 'm late , '' she said breathlessly . `` i was painting . got caught up in what i was doing and completely forgot the time . '' he glanced at the oversized bag hanging from her shoulder and the paint smudges on her fingertips . then he took in the rest of her , memorizing every detail , right down to her toes . they 'll hold our table , '' he said . `` would you like to eat now or have a drink first ? '' i mean , i do n't have anything against it , and i do drink on occasion , but i 'm rather finicky and i drink frou-frou girly drinks . but i love an occasional glass of wine . '' `` you 'd fit right in with mia and bethany and their girls . '' `` who are mia and bethany ? '' he reached to take her arm , tucking it over his as he guided her toward the restaurant . `` mia is the wife of one of my business partners , gabe , and she 's the sister of my other business partner , jace . bethany is engaged to jace . '' `` sounds like one big happy family , '' she murmured . they arrived at the restaurant and the maitre d ' immediately ushered them to the table always reserved for himself or gabe or jace when they chose to eat here . josie sat across from ash , but she did n't fully relax . she was perched on the edge of her seat and her gaze kept darting left and right and beyond ash . she looked ill at ease and like she 'd rather be anywhere but here with him . his ego was taking one hell of a beating . women did n't normally have to be blackmailed in order to agree to a date with him . he asked when a waiter immediately appeared .	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`` great work is often revealed to be the result of a great collaboration , '' she managed to say before his head dipped for a kiss . `` maybe he was a hermit . '' `` and creating a beautiful headboard big enough for a king-sized bed ? '' his lips trailed kisses from her brow down to her jaw . he removed one of her crutches and dropped it on the bed , replacing its support with his arm around her waist . `` maybe he just liked big beds . '' it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on their conversation . `` he must have had someone to inspire him . '' his fingers fumbled at the zipper of her sleeveless top . `` honey , you 're inspiring me right now . '' only when cool air greeted her back did she realize he must have lowered the zipper on her top to allow himself better access . his hand came up to cup her breast over her sagging top and he allowed his thumb to trace around the outer edge of the nipple before peeling the top away from her . she heard his swift intake of breath and met his hooded gaze . he lowered his eyes again to her brsts , which strained against the wisp of fabric that was now their only protection against his heated gaze . then all coherent thought was lost as he bent his head and his mouth closed over one tight nipple through the lacy fabric of her bra . he began to suck , his tongue moving over the peak again and again . liz moaned and distantly heard her remaining crutch hit the carpet with a thud . her hands moved to hold his bent head to her breast . his arms now were her only support as he transferred his ministrations to her other breast . she thought she would die from the pleasure of it . the gentle sucking was causing a myriad of exquisite sensations to course through her and settle at the juncture of her thighs . `` quentin , oh , please ... '' only the two of them and their overpowering need for each other seemed to matter . he deposited her on the bed and came down on top of her . his kiss was all hot and hungry male passion . his hands were everywhere , caressing , stroking , smoothing , stoking her passion . her bra was disposed of and her brsts lay against his hair-roughened chest . the friction , coupled with the feel of his erection at the juncture of her thighs , caused the tension to coil ever tighter within her . he sat up quickly , and though she felt momentarily bereft , she was glad to see him shrug out of his suit jacket and then divest himself of his shirt and tie . his chest was covered in a t of curly hair that tapered down and disappeared into the waistband of his pants , which could not hide his erection . her gaze lingered for a second before rising up to meet his eyes . the passion reflected there caused her breath to catch . she 'd wanted him , wanted this , seemingly forever . she raised her arms to him but he shook his head . `` no , not yet , '' he murmured . `` first let 's get you out of these . '' he unbuttoned her pants and peeled them from her , panties and all , careful not to jolt her injured ankle . she felt vulnerable , exposed , lying there before him , without an item of clothing to hide any of her flaws . she lay still , waiting for his reaction and was surprised by his slightly crooked grin . trailing his eyes from her hps up to her face , he explained , `` your hair is the same color all over . i was curious about that . '' she felt the heat rise to her face even as he chuckled and came down beside her , his leg urging hers apart . his hand cupped her intimately before he used two fingers to begin a swirling motion against her hot center . slowly and deliberately he built an ache of pleasure until she squirmed on the bed for release . `` i want to hear you say 'yes , '' ' he reproached on a laughing groan . `` can you say it for me , sweetheart ? coherent thought was impossible . never had she felt so sensual . `` give yourself to me , '' he rasped . his supplication was liz 's undoing . she went spinning into oblivion . please , quentin ! '' he made a guttural sound of satisfaction at her cl*ax . after her gaze refocused , he came up over her . `` we 're not finished yet , honey . just as he bent his head and positioned himself to enter her , they both heard it . the unmistakable sound of the front door opening , followed by a called-out `` hallo-o ? quentin ? '' the breath hissed out of quentin as he slumped on top of her , collapsing in seeming defeat . liz tried to clear her head . `` muriel . the housekeeper , '' quentin 's muffled voice announced grimly from the pillow next to her . ohh ! ! '' liz struggled to sit up .	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i have it in with your secretary , the smile in his voice traveled across the miles . all i have to do is promise inside information about my brother , and emily is like putty in my hands . he coughed quietly , he will never live down the story of his first baseball game . i guess ill have to have a talk with emily . dont be too hard on emily . it took quite a bit of talking to get her to relent . miranda could detect a bit of nervousness when he spoke again , i would love for you to accompany me to dinner . thank you for the offer , but i am out of town for the week , she sighed with relief knowing she had escaped the flat out refusal . once emily started talking , she told it all . i am in abilene for the next two days . you did not come here for me ? she took a deep breath , well , im sorry you went to the trou the phone was yanked from her hand . before she could jump up and grab the phone , brooke ran down the hall . miranda could hear her voice , miranda would love to join you for dinner . she will be waiting anxiously . miranda screamed in frustration . he sounds very nice . he will be here at seven to pick you up . he knows where you live ? her voice began to rise to a feverish pitch . i guess our little friend shared that too . brooke beamed with satisfaction . he can forget dinner ; you are going to look delectable ! miranda stared at herself in the mirror . brooke had piled her hair on top of her head with a few auburn tendrils trailing down her neck . her cheeks flushed with embarrassment at she noticed the plunging neckline of the teal dress , her bosom further accentuated with a push-up bra . a tightly fitted bodice eased into a full skirt that ended right above her knees . three inch heels strained her bulging calf muscles , creating a long , slender effect , broken by the dainty gold chain encircling her ankle . man , i am good ! brooke stood back to survey her work . im just glad we still wear the same size . there is no way you could have made me go shopping again ! miranda giggled nervously . she was still furious with the situation , but she could never stay angry with brooke for long . she was beginning to contemplate her escape plan when the doorbell rang . brooke reached over and hugged her quickly , you are going to have a blast . dont worry about elizabeth . we will wait up for you so you can tell us all about it when you get home . she raced to answer the door . hello zach . i would ask your intentions for my sister , but im afraid to know the answer , she bumped her hip and winked flirtatiously . i assure you that i have only chivalrous intentions , zach grinned and held out a small bouquet of daisies . these are for the lovely lady that orchestrated the evening . brooke enjoyed the playful volley . she blushed with the flowers and compliments . come out miranda . i dont know if i can take much more of this shameless flirting ! she winked conspiratorially at the tall handsome man still standing in the doorway . as miranda rounded the corner , she drank in the sight . light from the open doorway radiated from behind the tall , muscular form . a broad smile crossed his face , and his eyes began to dance as she slowly approached . he gently reached a hand toward her , measuring her reaction as if she were a deer ready to flee at the slightest hint of danger . she grasped his hand , noticing the manicured nails on rough calloused fingers . miranda lowered her eyes in embarrassment . zach gently placed a finger under her chin to raise her face to his . every time i see you , i am more amazed , his soft voice resonated in her heart so that she almost believed him . shifting uncomfortably , brooke piped in , im going to leave you alone . the sound of her voice broke the spell . they turned to her , looking stunned as if they had forgotten she was there . zach cleared his voice , thank you again , brooke . then he turned to miranda , do you like indian food ? she blinked , clearing her head , im not sure that i have ever tried it . i know a great little place where the food is exquisite and the service is wonderful . when they pulled into the parking lot , miranda realized that little was quite descriptive . the place was nestled in a corner of a long building , on the outside edge of a shopping center . a tiny neon open sign blinked steadily . inside , the wine-red walls and curtains added to the darkness of the dimly lit restaurant . a lovely , dark-skinned woman led them to an intimate corner booth . the burgundy tapestry seats attached to a paneled wall on one side and were hidden from the main dining area by sheer curtains on the other side .	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`` rusty is a guest here , and you 'll treat her like one of the family , you hear ? '' `` she needs us , boys . you ca n't imagine the life she 's had . '' sam blew out his breath in frustration . the last thing they needed right now was a rebellious teenager who 'd managed to con their softhearted mother into opening her home . with that , marlene stood up and clapped her hands together . the brothers looked at one another and groaned . it was n't any wonder they 'd gravitated toward the military . their mother rivaled any drill sergeant they 'd ever encountered . `` we have a lot to do and not much time to get it all done , '' she said firmly . she pinned nathan and joe with her stare . `` i want you two to get over and get ethan 's yard in shape . frank and i will tackle the inside , and then i 'll go shopping for groceries and the things that rachel will need . '' sam eyed her indulgently . `` and donovan and i ? '' her gaze softened , and she walked over and pulled him up to stand in front of her . then she enfolded him in her arms and hugged him tightly . `` i want you and van to go home and get cleaned up and sleep for about twenty-four hours straight . you both look like hell . '' he hugged her back and allowed the first strains of emotion to escape . his family had suffered multiple blows over the last year , and they had some hard issues to face , but for the first time in a long time , they were all going to be together again . `` as much as i 'd love to do just that , van and i have a lot to get done . our mission is n't over , and we have injured to see about . '' `` anything we can do , sam ? '' it was a fact , he 'd welcome his younger brothers ' help , but he was n't about to tear them away from their mom on their first day home . as if knowing the direction of his thoughts , marlene let out a snort and stepped away . `` if you need them , they 're yours , sam . the sooner you get your business squared away , the sooner i can have my family together under one roof . '' `` glad we 're handed around so easily , '' joe drawled . `` this feels like the damn army . '' `` well , if you 're serious about the offer to help , van and i could sure use you . i 'm getting reports every three hours from garrett , and rio is back on the ground . cole and dolphin are at fort campbell , but i do n't expect them to stay more than twenty-four hours before they demand for me to get them the hell out of there . steele , renshaw and baker are itching to go back into action , and i 'm leaning toward letting them because rio is without any sort of backup . '' `` nathan and i- '' `` do n't even say it , '' donovan broke in . `` you two buttheads do n't belong to us . you belong to uncle sam , and he gets pretty pissy when his recruits show up in foreign countries on private missions . '' `` the best you can do is come back to the house and help out with the communications while van and i catch some sleep . i ca n't even tell you the last time we caught any shut-eye . '' `` i expect you all back here for lunch tomorrow , '' marlene said firmly . donovan asked hopefully . marlene patted him on the cheek and then hugged him as she 'd done sam . chapter 15 `` rachel . rachel , honey , wake up . '' rachel roused herself from the deep void of sleep and rubbed a tired hand across her eyes . then she squinted as the bright sunlight speared her vision . the plane came to a stop and the whir of the jets cut off . next to her , ethan stroked gentle fingers across her cheek . it was then she realized that they 'd already landed . she sat up , then weaved precariously as she moved too fast . ethan caught her arms and steadied her . across from them , garrett unstrapped himself and went to open the hatch . `` we just landed at the henry county airport . we 're about forty minutes from home . '' she let him help her up and guide her toward the exit . garrett was there to grab her hand as she stepped down . the sandals she 'd borrowed from dr. scofield slid up and down on her feet as she struggled to keep her footing . the clothes , like the shoes , were too big , but she was clean and comfortable , which was more than she could say she 'd been for a very long time . sam stood a few feet away . she almost did n't recognize him in the faded jeans and white t-shirt he wore . he seemed much more approachable out of the camouflage warrior mode .	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the gun is heavy across my chest and i shift it so it is more comfortable . when i lower my hand to my side , i feel fingers entwine with mine . theyre staring at you , tyler whispers , holding my hand . he pulls me toward him , closing the small gap between us . a zing of electricity passes through me at his touch . do you think they are staring because of the way we look ? ... beaten up ? beaten up is something they see every day , they live in a war zone . an american female with her perky boobs probably in some expensive bra with the word adidas across them , not so much . these guys are salivating . ive noticed that tyler never takes his eyes off our surroundings . hyperaware that when he is talking to me , he never looks at me . i assumed they were staring at both of us , but as i look around there is not one woman dressed like me . no yoga pants and t-shirts , only women covered head to toe . the afghani woman slips into a small cove and motions for us to come with her . hesitantly , tyler pulls on my hand , leading me , and we trail behind her . she stops at a thick fabric curtain for a door to a room carved out of the mountainside ; the walls are rock . the only furnishings are a fireplace , table , and bed mats . this must be her home , i utter . she points to the table and it is low to the ground with grass cushions surrounding it . i sit on one on the floor , putting the heavy gun beside me . tyler checks the room out , searching the small area . the woman takes a pot off the fire and pours water into clay cups . as i reach for the cup , i tell the woman thank you and notice my arm is caked with dirt , dust , and dried blood . i take a sip and it is tea . i close my eyes , relishing the taste and the relief it gives my dry throat . the cup is grabbed from my hand . tyler scolds me . i open my eyes confused . it could be drugged with opium flower , he says , giving the cup to the woman . no , thank you , he says deliberately . there has to be bottled water somewhere in this place . he takes a good look at me . put your weapon back on , he orders and he is mean about it . this isnt the fuckin holiday inn . rest , because we are leaving . tyler turns away from me , and his wheels are turning . he is thinking of a plan . i savor his presence and its amazing because even though we are running for our lives , in danger , with no food or water , i dont feel alone . the empty isolation i experience every day isnt there . i stare at tyler as he pulls back a small piece of the fabric door and watches . he is commanding and alert , his chest muscles straining the threads of his brown cotton t-shirt . even all dirty , cut up , with black-and-blue-rimmed eyes , hes kind of beautiful in a fierce way . so what now , g.i . i ask , shaking off my contemplations . he smirks at me , irritated . safety , water , shelter , food ... any more questions , flower-power ? i may be able to solve water . i reach down and use my finger to sketch in the dirt . i draw a picture of bottled water and write dasani across it . i motion for the woman to look . do you know where these are ? ba man bia . we follow her again out into the sunlight and the little town located deep in the recesses of afghanistan . my fear has subsided but my adrenaline is pumping . i could run a marathon right now . its surreal : the landscape , the people , the smells . the sound of the native language chipping away at the din . it is so unlike anywhere ive been before , the sun so bright that it seems as though it is not the same sun that i know . this place could be a different planet . is it being here in a war zone , in a foreign country , or it is tyler ? we weave and bob past the shoppers , following this woman . tyler takes my hand again , in a claiming gesture . if anyone comes near our personal bubble , he squeezes my hand tightly and tugs on me . i find myself contorting my body to fit in the small areas of congested townspeople as he holds on to me . we approach what must be the town butcher . there are no refrigerated glass cases for meat . just long wooden tables with slabs laid out . above our heads , hanging on a hook out in the open and covered in flies , is a carcass . i cant even identify what animal it is . i retch as we near it and use my free hand to cover my mouth . how is that fit to eat ? i see the side of tylers mouth tip up in a bit of a smile . not a very strong stomach , huh ?	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some hers , but mostly nelson 's . and they shook uncontrollably . nothing she could do could stop it . she should be jubilant . and instead her insides were so cold that she did n't feel anything at all . `` did you honest to god think we would n't be here ? '' the heat in his words scalded her , and yet it was so welcome she wanted to hug him . but there was also worry . cole asked with only a little less edge in his voice . `` you 're bleeding , p.j . `` my leg , '' she finally managed to get out . `` i took a bullet . '' cole cursed . as her team gathered , something popped inside her . it was like cutting a taut rope and having it recoil like a viper . she closed her eyes , the stench of blood and death overwhelming her . strong arms surrounded her , pulled her in close and then rocked her gently back and forth . `` it 's all right now , p.j. , '' cole soothed . `` we 're here to take you home . '' chapter 20 cole gathered p.j . in his arms and carefully lifted her . dolphin and renshaw immediately flanked him to provide cover while he hurried in the direction of their suvs . `` open the back , '' cole barked . `` i need to be able to stretch her out so we can see how bad the gunshot wound is . '' dolphin moved ahead when they reached the wooded area where they 'd parked the vehicles . he opened the hatch and cole set her gently down in the cargo area . he had to pry away her fingers that still clutched the knife , and he was careful that she did n't panic and react blindly . he still was n't that sure she was completely aware of her surroundings . when the knife came free , he rapidly cut away her pants leg so he could assess the wound . `` jesus , there 's blood everywhere , '' dolphin said grimly . `` not all of it is hers , '' cole said as he ran his fingers over the hole in her thigh . she flinched when he touched too close to the wound , and he cast her an apologetic look . his fingers came away bright red with blood , and he stared at it for a long moment . this was her blood , and it made him weak in the knees to imagine what would have happened if they 'd arrived even thirty seconds later than they had . was pale and shaking violently . the bullet wound was just a flesh wound from all he could ascertain . clean entry and exit . she 'd lost blood , but not so much that she would be in shock . it was her emotional state that concerned him the most . she kept wiping her hands over her shirt , the red blood nearly disappearing in the black material . then she 'd look down , visibly upset that there was still blood staining her palms . when she started to scrub at her clothing again , cole took her hands and gently pulled them to him . `` it 's all right , p.j. , '' he said in a soothing voice . i 'll clean it off . donovan , steele and baker strode up , sweat glistening on their foreheads . cole lowered her hands , and she drew them back , wrapping her arms around her legs in a protective gesture . cole glanced steele 's way as steele gave a terse accounting . `` we cleared the area . took out several of the guards , but brumley is unaccounted for . the chopper we saw take off on our way in had to have had him in it . '' they all swung around at the sound of p.j . 's voice to see her sitting up , hunched over her knees , her eyes wild and distant . `` he got away , '' she said , and cole was struck by the devastation in her voice . then she put her head down , so her forehead touched her knees . cole would have given her his complete attention , but steele motioned for cole to follow him . dolphin motioned cole away and then took cole 's place in front of p.j. , talking nonsense and bullshit like it was any other day in the field . `` we 've got a hell of a mess to clean up here , '' steele said in a grim tone . will take the fall , no matter what kind of worthless a**holes these bastards are . i 'm not willing to let that happen . brumley has clout in slovakia . he basically owns this area and the village . he is the government here and he has everyone in his pocket . i think initially he would have wanted p.j . alive just so he could make her suffer . but now that she 's shown the very real threat she is , he 'll sanction her death however it has to happen . '' `` i 'm with you on this .	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`` that 's the problem , ' said lissa , kicking irritably at a branch lying across the cobblestone path in front of her . `` i have no idea where to start . whoever killed tatiana did a good job covering their tracks and shifting it all to rose . ' `` one step at a time , ' repeated abe . he spoke in that sly tone of his that annoyed me sometimes , but to lissa today , it was grating . until now , all of her energy had been focused on getting me out of jail and somewhere safe . that was the goal that had driven her and kept her going in my escape 's aftermath . now , after some of the intensity had faded , the pressure of it all was beginning to crash down on her . christian put an arm around her shoulders , sensing her dismay . he turned to abe , unusually serious . christian asked abe . `` we certainly do n't have any real evidence . ' `` we have reasonable assumptions , ' abe replied . `` like that whoever killed tatiana would have had access to her private rooms . that 's not a long list . ' `` its not short either . ' lissa ticked off people on her fingers . `` the royal guards , her friends and family ... and that 's assuming no one altered the guardians ' records of her visitors . and for all we know , some visits were never logged at all . she probably had secret business meetings all the time . ' `` unlikely she 'd have business meetings in her bedroom , in her nightgown , ' mused abe . `` of course , it depends on the type of business , i suppose . ' lissa stumbled , realization stunning her . `` ambrose . ' `` who ? ' `` hes a dhampir ... really good-looking ... he and tatiana were , um ... ' `` involved ? ' said christian with a smile , echoing the interrogation . now abe came to a stop . lissa did the same , and his dark eyes met hers . sort of a pool boy type . ' `` he 'd have access to her bedroom , ' said lissa . `` but i just ca n't -- i do n't know . i ca n't see him doing this . ' `` appearances are deceiving , ' said abe . `` he was terribly interested in rose back in the courtroom . ' more surprise for lissa . `` what are you talking about ? ' abe stroked his chin in an evil-villain sort of way . `` he spoke to her ... or gave her some signal . i 'm not really sure , but there was some kind of interaction between them . ' clever , watchful abe . he 'd noticed ambrose giving me the note but had n't fully realized what had happened . `` we should talk to him then , ' said christian . conflicting feelings churned inside of her . she was excited by a lead -- but upset that it meant kind , gentle ambrose might be a suspect . `` i 'll take care of it , ' said abe breezily . i felt her gaze fall heavily on him . i could n't see her expression , but i did see abe take an involuntary step back , the faintest glimmer of surprise in his eyes . even christian flinched . `` and i 'm going to be there when you do , ' she said , steel in her voice . `` do not attempt some crazy torture-style interrogation without me . ' `` you want to be there for the torture ? ' asked abe , recovering . `` there wo n't be any . we 'll talk to ambrose like civilized people , understand ? ' she stared hard at him again , and abe finally shrugged in acquiescence , as though being overpowered by a woman half his age was no big deal . we 'll do it together . ' lissa was a little suspicious at his willingness , and he must have picked up on that . `` we will , ' he said , continuing walking . `` this is a good time -- well , as good as any time -- for an investigation . court 's going to get chaotic as the monarch elections get under way . everyone here will be busy , and new people will start pouring in . ' a breeze , heavy with humidity , ruffled lissa 's hair . the promise of heat was on it , and she knew abe would be right about sunrise . it would be worth going to bed early . `` when will the elections happen ? ' `` as soon as they put dear tatiana to rest . these things move fast . we need our government restored . she 'll be buried tomorrow at the church with a ceremony and service , but there 'll be no repeat of the procession . they 're still too uneasy . ' i felt kind of bad that she had n't received a full queenly funeral in the end , but then , if it meant her true murderer was found , maybe she would have preferred it that way .	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`` i did think of going to dublin ; i ken a man at the great university there to whom i thought of showing this . perhaps your dealers might have an interest in it , too . '' a spark of alarm flickered in the deep-set eyes . jamie wondered , but the answer came immediately . he doesna want a great many people to see it-lest the wrong person hear about it . and who might that be , i wonder ? `` really , '' siverly said , pretending doubt . `` what is the name of your university man ? perhaps i know him . '' jamie 's mind went blank for an instant . he fumbled among the names of his irish acquaintance for anyone he 'd known who might conceivably be or have been at trinity-but then caught sight of the tenseness of siverly 's shoulders . the man was trying it on as much as he was . `` o'hanlon , '' he said carelessly , choosing a name at random . `` peter o'hanlon . d 'ye ken him ? '' `` well , nay matter . i 'll thank ye for your time , sir . '' jamie leaned forward , preparatory to rising . he 'd accomplished what he came for . he 'd learned that the irish poem was connected to siverly and had some secret meaning-and he 'd successfully fixed siverly 's attention on him as a person of interest , that was certain . the man was looking at him like a wolf with a prey in view . `` where are you staying , mr . `` perhaps i might discover some further information that would be helpful to you . if , that is , you are still interested in learning more regarding your verse ? '' `` oh , aye , sir , that i am . i 'm in the village , at beckett 's public house . much obliged to ye , sir . '' he stood and bowed to siverly , then crossed the room to take the paper from the mantelpiece . he heard siverly rise behind him , saying , `` not at all , mr . the reflexes bred from a lifetime of people trying to kill him saved him . jamie heard the man 's sharp intake of breath and dodged aside , as the knob of the club slashed through the spot where his head had been and crashed down on the wooden mantel , making splinters fly . siverly was between him and the door . jamie lowered his head and charged the man , butting him in the chest . siverly stumbled back , hit a small table , and sent it flying in a shower of sugared violets , its collection of small ornaments bouncing and ringing off the floor . jamie made for the door , then by impulse doubled back , seized the paper , which had floated to the floor , and shoved the settee into siverly 's way as the man lunged for him , murder in his eye . he 'd got hold of the club again and swung it as jamie danced back , catching him a glancing blow on the point of the shoulder that numbed his arm to the fingers . jamie grabbed the candlestick and flung it at siverly 's head , the candles falling in a clatter of beeswax and smoke as they went out . there were running footsteps in the hall-servants coming . without the slightest hesitation , jamie leapt onto a glove table by the window , kicked out the lights , and hurled himself through the resultant hole , catching a final ignominious blow across the arse as he did so . he half-ran , half-hobbled straight through the formal garden , trampling roses and flower beds . where was his horse ? had the gatekeeper taken it to the stable ? it was tied by the rein to a rail outside the lodge . stuffing the crumpled paper into his coat , he undid the knot one-handed , blessing the virgin mother that siverly had struck him on the right side . the numbness was fading , but tingling jolts buzzed down his right arm , jarring his fingers so they fumbled and twitched , all but useless . his clever left was all right , though , and before the gatekeeper had realized something was amiss and come out to see , he had flung himself onto the startled horse and was trotting down the road toward the village . his left buttock was knotted tight , bruised from the blow , and he leaned in his saddle like a drunk , unable to put weight on it . he looked back over his shoulder , but there was no pursuit . he thought , breathing heavily . siverly knew where to find him . and find him he would ; the verse was only a copy , but siverly did n't know that . jamie touched the pocket of his coat , and the paper crackled reassuringly . it was raining harder now , and water ran down his face . he 'd left his hat and cloak ; tom byrd would be annoyed .	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and to help renata understand more clearly , she described their meeting . shes a force of nature , renata , a roaring lion . compared to her , my mother is a timid mouse who spends all her time cowering in the corner . a tap on the door interrupted them . morning rush , schatz , renata said . she patted katjas hand like the burning questions in her heart had been answered . thankfully , the busyness of the day kept katja from constantly dwelling on her problems , and even though she felt like a hunchback in the spirit , in the natural she stood tall and wore a friendly face . she labored hard , especially when it was her turn to clean tables and sweep the floor . these physical tasks were minefields for her mind , and she had to work extra hard to keep her thoughts off micah . she was in the back putting the cleaning supplies away when she heard renatas voice . katja , katja ! renata pranced toward her with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers in her hand . katja froze to the spot . renata held the flowers outa mix of red roses , white daisies and sprigs of lavenderand katja accepted them with a shaky hand . she read the card . m. i love you . his first declaration . renata smiled like a mad woman . you dont have to stay the extra shift , if you dont want to , she said . katja smiled shyly . micah sent her flowers . katja decided not to stay for her second shift . she was really lucky that her boss was a diehard romantic . at least when it came to other people . renata excused her with a pat on the back telling her to go make nice with her handsome boyfriend . katja smiled at her enthusiasm as she carried the bouquet home . they were lovely , and the gesture was sweet , but could her objective to end things with micah be swayed by a collection of flowers ? there were bigger issues at stake . what was best for micah in the long run ? were they the right choice for each other ? she turned her key in the handle of the door of micahs flat and found it was already unlocked . katja was sure shed locked it on her way out . inside , she set the flowers on the table and went to micahs room to change out of her black and white uniform . she slipped into a pair of jeansthe only clean ones left were the ones with horizontal tears , exposing sections of her thighand her peasant blouse . she decided to keep her hair up in the high pony-tail the way she always wore it for work . the weather had warmed up over the weekend , and the afternoon sun pouring through the windows had heated up the flat . she wondered what she should say to micah . what should her position be now ? it wasnt just the flowers that had made her waver in her decision to leave , but micahs note . she already knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was hopelessly in love with him . it was the reason her choice was so painful . her mind was thoroughly pre-occupied which was why she didnt notice the figure standing in the hall on her way from micahs room to the bathroom . katja jumped back , startled . frau sturm ? the woman leaned against the frame of the bathroom door . that door had been closed when katja had passed it the first time . had micahs mother been here the whole time ? she answered the question for her . i have my own key to my sons flat . she added a moment later for emphasis , too . katja finally managed . i wanted to see for myself if you were just a visitor like my son claimed . her eyes cut to the room katja had just exited . micahs bedroom . katja folded her arms in front of her . and your conclusion ? i dont intend to play anything with you . look , frau sturm said , tugging on her suit jacket . we both know what girls like you want from boys like my son . katja stiffened . im not after micahs money . katja felt like shed just walked onto the set of a bad daytime soap opera . and look at this nice roof over your head . where did you live before you came here ? hot anger boiled in katjas stomach . how dare this woman ? dont bother trying to scramble up a lie . you slept on the sofa of a flat not leased by you . before then you lived with your mother and stepfather in a gdr housing project in berlin . you quit university before you finished your first year . katja felt sucker punched . so , frau sturm continued . lets go back to the money . what will it take to get you to leave my son for good ? ten thousand euros ? shall i just name my price ? katja spit out . i choose zero euro . whatever micah and i have , it has nothing to do with you . i will not be bullied or bribed .	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`` go ahead , take it , '' he said , knowing that anyone who might be listening would assume he was offering food . `` take it , '' he demanded harshly . eyes wary , she slowly reached out a hand and , after shooting another distrustful glance his way , lowered her head and read his note . wyatt sent me . i 'm here to get you home . her head flew up . her eyes widened with hope and disbelief as she frantically searched his face for confirmation that it was true . cav pressed his finger to his lips in warning . one wrong word , one careless action , and this whole thing could blow like a block of c-4 . he reached for the note , tugged it out of her frozen grip , and added , play along , carrie . after she read it , she just sort of crumpled . he caught her as her shoulders sagged and her knees buckled . `` easy , '' he whispered , wrapping his arms around her and pressing her face into his shoulder to muffle her sob . small hands pressed against his chest , and her fingers tightened in a death grip on his shirt . `` do n't ... do n't leave me ... aw , god . he 'd always been a sucker for a damsel in distress . always had a great appreciation for the softness and the strengths and the surprises inherent to women . but never had he been so utterly and unexpectedly moved as he was by the collapse of this strong woman 's guard and the raw desperation that caused it . careful of the bruise he 'd seen on her ribs , he drew her tighter against him because it felt as though she were coming apart in his arms . `` when i leave , you leave , '' he promised against her damp hair , and then he felt a subtle shift back to strength in the fragile body pressed against his . if her momentary collapse had shaken him , her valiant effort to regroup humbled him . though her body felt delicate and slight , she possessed rock-solid core strength . every protective instinct in him roared to life like an enraged lion . no woman should ever have to go through this hell . he fought the knee-jerk burn to make the bastards pay for what they 'd done to her . pay with their blood . make them sorry they 'd ever laid a hand on her . he wanted it with a fervor that had him shaking . he 'd let things get way too personal , way too touchy-feely way too fast . not his mo . he swallowed hard , recognizing with brutal honesty that this was n't just about her . it was also about turning his back on the cia when this was over , about dealing with the demons that constantly baited him with the promise of oblivion in scotch . and it was about carrie granger not being the only american on this mountain in need of rescue . he drew a deep breath and made himself disengage . now was not the time to indulge in the mind fk of self-pity . and until he could get a handle on what was happening with his head he needed to be very careful around this woman . `` it 's going to be okay , '' he promised her , surprised at the gruffness in his voice . surprised again when he lifted a hand and gently brushed a fall of blond hair out of her eyes . `` take it to the bank , carrie . a world of gratitude , relief , and trust shimmered in her eyes . eyes so brave and true , he found himself praying he deserved that trust . hell , he did n't pray . and even if he did , prayer was n't going to get them out of this . keeping his head in the game was . `` eat , '' he said forcefully for the benefit of the guards . `` we need to get some protein in you . '' with one hand latched in a death grip on the blanket between her brsts , she rushed to the table and sat down on the woven matting that covered the dirt floor . then she tore into the soup , white rice , and chicken curry . he 'd been hungry himself before , but he 'd never understood the term ravenous until he watched her eat . ignoring the warning alarms telling him not to , he reached for the whiskey bottle the general had left . he poured a tall shot and downed it in one swallow . `` slow down or you 're going to make yourself sick . '' he watched her get control again . could n't help but notice that despite the brutality of her captivity , there was no disguising how astonishingly beautiful she was . the bones always told , and hers were amazing . she had high cheekbones , perfectly arched brows , and a cupid 's bow upper lip that just begged for attention . he thought about hitting that bottle one more time ... but he knew where that road led and the last thing he wanted to do was let this woman down . five daylight had faded , and the inside of the tent was cast in shadows by the time she 'd eaten her fill , savoring every bite . cav understood .	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what i did was almost unforgivable . why are you still sitting at your desk ? god , i 'm such a schmuk . i wait for days for this information and now i 'm hesitant about using it . i move before my body tries to resist . i walk past the 'chill out ' room , down the hall and i hear max shout out , `` where you going ? '' i yell back to him , `` to pick up precious cargo . '' *** it was surprisingly easy to get a spare key to tina 's room . and it only cost me a hundred dollars . okay , so i spouted some story about sneaking in to surprise my girlfriend who thought i was coming the next night . the girl at the main desk was an obvious romantic and fell for it . mental note ; never use this hotel . the girl at the desk had no way of knowing i was n't dangerous . i could 've been omarr , for christ sakes . so , here i stand in front of tina 's room with my bag full of candy . it 's 11:49pm . i 'm sure she 'll be asleep . or at least i hope she will be . sneak in when tina 's asleep ; there will be less of a chance of her punching me in the face when she 's sleepy . did n't she go all bruce lee on me and put me in a choke hold when she was sleepy ? i shake my head and slide the key card in . the light turns green and i gently open the door being careful not to make a sound . i carefully walk in and see tina asleep in the bed . she 's sleeping on her stomach which she never does . she always curls up on her side . it looks as though she 's nakd under the sheet that 's pulled just above her behind . i step closer and what i see makes me want to roar and punch something . tina 's back and shoulder are purple with bruises . this is why she 's sleeping on her stomach . i do n't deserve tina . i sit on the edge of the bed , careful not to wake her and lean forward with my elbows on my knees . maybe tina 's better off without me . ** as soon as i smell him , i wake . i know it 's nik and regardless of what happened the other day , i 'm not afraid of him . nik did n't mean for me to trip . i 'm still hurting , physically and mentally , though . this is why i take cowards way out and pretend to sleep . i remind myself to breathe in and out deeply and to not react at all . i feel his hand lightly brush my bruised shoulder and i shiver . thanks traitorous body ! i feel the sheet lift from my bottom to cover my back and shoulder . i do n't understand it but even the small amount of pressure from the sheet hurts . i 'm careful not to flinch . nik whispers hoarsely , `` i 'm so sorry , baby . '' i almost forget to breathe . a small part of me is chastising myself for pretending to sleep but another part so desperately wants to hear what he says to my supposed sleeping form . he continues in a whisper , `` never meant to hurt you . i 'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you . '' nik wants me back . he must know what really happened . do n't give away your heart again . i do n't know if i could handle that again . after jace was hard but after nik i actually thought i 'd die from heart-break . i feel his breath close to my ear . he kisses the side of my neck so softly i could 've imagined it and whispers , `` love you , tina . '' he shuffles around and makes some strange noises for a few minutes , the door opens then closes and he 's gone . i sit up in bed and see something on the desk in the corner that was n't there before . needing a little light , i switch on the bedside lamp and move my sore body over to the desk . what i see makes me smile . the first real smile i 've had in days . nik has obviously spoken to nat about my candy preferences . written in raspberry bullets is 'i 'm sorry ' . written in green apple jellybeans is 'i miss you ' . written in cherry jellybeans is 'i love you ' . my heart skips a beat at the last line . written in gummy bears is 'marry me ' . did nik just propose using candy ? why , yes , brain . chapter twenty-seven the father of her child a week has passed since tina disappeared and i hear nothing from her . i 've been checking in with ghost but he says she has n't been at the store . i 'd say she 's probably still too sore . i still ca n't believe i proposed to her using gummy bears .	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`` love you too , stranger . '' five bennett ryan i was pretty sure i looked like an idiot . will and henry continued to sip their drinks and pore over the menu , oblivious to the fact that i was sitting across from them , damn near giggling and randomly breaking into the widest , goofiest grins imaginable . despite max 's sudden departure , i was still on a high from how much fun it had been to follow chloe , then spank and fk her in a bathroom . and she was going to be my wife . i had no idea how i 'd gotten so lucky . the waiter asked , removing a slew of empty glasses from the table and stacking them on his tray . will and henry looked up for the first time in about ten minutes and blinked around the table . `` max not back yet ? '' will asked , surprised . i shook my head , refolding my napkin in an attempt to avoid their eyes . `` should we wait for him or ... ? '' `` i could go out and kill a few minutes at one of the tables while we wait . '' i glanced down at my watch and groaned ; the flimsy excuse max had used about needing the bathroom was most definitely losing its credibility with each passing minute . and it was n't that i particularly cared if max got busted-it 's possible that might actually improve my night-but if max went down then so did i . we had the rest of the weekend with these guys , and will would make it a living hell if he found out we 'd been sneaking out to bang our girlfriends on valentine 's day . and , truth be told , will was the only single one here and was the most focused on hanging out with the guys . i felt a pang of guilt that , of the three of us who seemed to care more for women than gambling , he was the only one not getting laid this weekend . `` sure he 'll be back any minute , '' i said . `` must not have been feeling well . '' `` what the hell did you two eat anyway ? '' i tried to formulate an answer and remembered the waiter only when i heard him sigh . `` i 'll give you gentlemen a few more minutes , '' he said before stepping away . `` yeah , what is going on , '' he said , words slurring together a little . `` there 's no way a person could have this much diarrhea and survive . '' `` thank you for that very tasteful analysis . '' i set my napkin on my plate and stood . `` i 'll just step over there and see how much longer . you two go ahead and order for us . i 'll have the filet . i started to walk away and stopped , turning to face them again . `` oh , and get yourself a few more drinks , '' i added with a smile . the mood in the restaurant had changed as the night went on . lights embedded in the ceiling and around the room had shifted from the soft white to warm gold , washing everything in rich color . the music was louder , not so loud that you could n't talk or make out individual conversations , but loud enough that you could feel it deep in your chest , a pounding like a second heartbeat . it felt more like a nightclub than a restaurant now and made it easier for me to step out unnoticed , to text max . i paced the glossy wood floors just outside , debating whether i could leave and get away with it . my phone vibrated with his incoming message less than a minute later . just pulling up . we need to talk , i answered . i 'll meet you near valet . with a glance over my shoulder to make sure will or henry had n't followed , i headed down to meet max . the casino floor was bustling . the sound of laughter and cheering floated up from one of the tables and a couple of police officers stood near the entrance , speaking to a group of valets . max stepped through the doors and stopped just in front of me , rebuttoning his suit jacket and straightening his tie . `` always so impatient , '' he said , glancing twice at the police before gripping my arm . `` perhaps we could move just over here ... '' he guided us away from the area and out of their direct line of sight . you 're dodging the police now ? jesus christ , what is happening ? i feel like an accomplice in some sort of crime spree , '' i said , running a hand through my hair . `` the less you know , the better , mate . `` and the toilet , max ? that 's the best you could come up with ? '' `` as if your excuse was any better ? an ulcer ? you 've lost your touch , mate . the ben i knew in uni would be ashamed . love 's made you soft . '' i sighed , glancing behind me . `` you 've been gone for almost an hour . what the fk took you so long ? '' he gave me a wide , leering smile .	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sometimes i wondered if he had really existed . i often thought of him like a character in one of my favorite novels . when you finish reading it , you know youre never going to find the hero again . and all you can do , is go back to read the same pages , to refresh your memories of him , so many times that you will be able to recall the scenes later without looking them up . youre left with the bittersweet taste of nostalgia . but sometimes there is a sequel . and christophers story was not over yet . i didnt have the chance to say goodbye to alex . he was long gone when i woke up . i had hurt his feelings the previous night and there was nothing i could do about it now . although i could not justify his childish attitude , i could fathom the reasons for it . to his eyes , i was in love with the wrong person . besides , he had expected a different response to his flirting , too proud to accept rejection so easily . i wished things hadnt turned out like that . it made me even gloomier . why couldnt i be happy about today ? wasnt this sailing trip what i had always wished for ? i knew it was the outcome of the meeting that worried me the most . it would be another step closer to christopher , nothing else mattered . we set off a little after ten . chapter 12 sailing at first , it was only a white spot in the horizon . after a while , the spot became larger as it approached the coast in a steady speed . angelica and i had been waiting for this sign in the car , silently , each one lost in her own thoughts . unthinkable though it seemed now , a few hours before we had shared some of our most valuable secrets , the turning point of our lives , when we became conversant with the cosmic , undisclosed power that ruled the past , the present and the future . it didnt take me long to confirm my presumption that angelica was no more pleasant a companion than sebastian had been . in fact , i was sure the two of them would get on fine with each other . it was amazing how long they both could remain silent . under different conditions , i would have enjoyed the privacy of my thoughts , but not this time . i remember i was too nervous . i had to distract myself otherwise my anxious heart would explode . thats how i had started a conversation with angelica , hoping for reconciliation . what angelica had told me , totally justified hers and her brothers attitude towards the squad . in a dry voice , angelica had narrated her story , sounding intentionally detached , as if it had been someone elses story , not hers . in a weird way , i had the feeling that there was much more to it . id felt like that after the short conversation the two of us had in the roma school the previous day . i wondered what angelica could be keeping from me and whether i would make her loosen up at some point during that long day . but then angelica turned silent again . after a couple of one-word responses , i got the message and gave up . ever since that dim outline had appeared in the horizon , it had consumed every cell of my mind and body . i couldnt think about angelica anymore . never before had i experienced such impatience and anxiety . sitting on the hot sand in a feat of endurance , my arms around my knees , my eyes fixed on the white spot , i felt as if my mind was empty of any other thought . the world had suddenly shrunk , minimized to this flickering white spot that grew larger and larger now on the blue of the sea . half an hour before , angelica had driven past the ancient temple of sounio and parked her car near a deserted fishing port , where a few old , weather-beaten boats were swaying lazily to the slow , rhythmic music of the sea . when the yacht appeared , emma had left the car to walk to the beach . angelica thought it would seem awkward of her to stay in the car , so she followed emma reluctantly and sat a few meters away from her on the hot sand . she let out a large puff of smoke before she buried the rest of her cigarette in the sand . she could feel emmas tension as the yacht approached the coast . she wondered whether this frivolous young woman realized the risk she was taking by getting on board . she had heard stories about men , strong , capable confidants who never came back on shore after such sailing trips . but emma didnt look frightened at all . she was so anxious to meet them . angelica didnt like emma . she was determined not to let herself like her . she was nothing but a menace , hidden behind her warm eyes and her sweet smile . this menace had already destroyed christopher , alluring him with her romantic outbursts and turning him from a tough soldier to a romantic fool . even worse , it was her fault that the crusaders had been deprived of one of their most skillful comrades .	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there was something in his eyes that made her feel like he was the ultimate predator . and she was the prey . as he stretched his arm out to point at her , he spoke one low , growling word that chilled her to the bone . chapter two as the wolf shifted into human form , damien felt a blast of fear radiate outward from julia , and he knew before being told that the shifter had spoken to her . he instinctively stepped between the two of them . the words of the wolf echoed in his mind from before they had been attacked . you do n't know what you 're dealing with . jordan swallowed hard , and damien heard the surgical instruments clatter to the floor . every sense of his was on high alert , even with julia 's fear pumping through him . the shifter laughed , then coughed wetly , his voice thick with blood . what kind of mangled pack has a blind leader ? '' `` where 's your pack ? '' he could hear the hair of the shifter bristling as he shook his head . `` no pack . `` a loner ? '' `` a scout . '' scouting for what ? '' the shifter coughed again , his breath ragged . `` i did the best i could , but i think a rib tore into his lungs , '' jordan said , turning his attention from damien to the shifter . `` do you want us to take you to the hospital ? now that you 're in human form- '' `` no ! '' `` you said before that you were here for julia . the shifter chuckled , a low , growling sound that set damien 's teeth on edge . he felt the wolf inside of him straining to come out . he wanted to rip the man 's throat out . he could have spoken as a wolf , but he had shifted , making himself weaker than ever , just to speak with julia . `` she 's not ... she 's not what you think she is , '' the shifter said . his voice now was barely a whisper . `` you need more help than i can give you , '' jordan said . `` damien , if we can get him to the emergency room- '' `` what do you mean ? '' he would not let the shifter away that easily . `` why were you after her ? '' `` you 'll find out soon enough , '' the shifter said . `` it 's been ... it 's been too long . let me die as a wolf . bury me ... bury me as a wolf . '' damien heard him shift before he felt julia 's shock , the bones crackling in low pops as he moved back to his wolf form . `` you 're too weak to shift ! you'll- '' damien heard the rattling breath of the shifter , the low snarl and final exhale as the shifter died on the table in front of him . standing beside him , julia was aghast with terror . `` he did n't even make it all the way back to wolf form , '' katherine said softly . they were the first words she had spoken since the shifter had changed . damien was shaken . he 'd never killed another shifter before . animals , sure . he 'd even taken down a small grizzly bear once when it had threatened the pack . he turned to kyle and katherine , setting his face in what he hoped was an expression of solemn resolve . he could not afford to let any of them see him unsure of himself . `` go back to where we found him , by the lake , '' damien said . `` follow his trail . i want both of you to stick together . why did n't we scent them before ? '' `` we scouted the whole territory around the town here ! '' `` how did this one sneak up on you ? '' `` he must have been in human form . possibly downwind . '' damien thought back , and remembered that his mind had been elsewhere . specifically , focused on kissing julia , his hands moving over her body . he had let himself become distracted , and it had almost killed them . `` do n't lose focus , '' damien said . `` follow the trail until you find where he came from , then come straight back . do n't fight any wolves if you find them . '' `` we wo n't , '' katherine said bravely . damien was proud of her . she was loyal , even now that damien had found another mate . it helped that she and kyle had taken to each other , but still , he had been worried that she might want to leave his pack . it was comforting to know that he still had their trust . damien motioned to the body on the table and spoke grimly . `` we 're going to bury him as a wolf . '' chapter three julia watched as jordan and damien cleaned up the body , wrapping it in sheets . julia was glad to see it covered .	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she gazed out the window at the bustling city and was swamped with memories of having to survive in such an environment on her own . le floret suited her so much better , and she hoped never to have to go back to the life she 'd had before moving to the island . she turned back to him , all her senses on high alert . `` have you heard about a secure web site called lupe ? '' `` from the name , i 'm guessing it 's for weres . '' it was activated a few months ago . my brother , who keeps up with such things , told me about it . '' she relaxed her guard . so this was about business . `` if it would be a good place to advertise the inn , then i 'll check into it . i had n't heard of it , so i appreciate the tip . '' `` it would be a good place to advertise , but that 's not why i mentioned it . i found something on there this morning that i thought you 'd want to know about . have you heard of the byron reynaud foundation ? '' hearing her father 's name was always a shock to her system . what ... what is it ? '' `` an organization to benefit orphaned and misplaced weres . it 's funded and supervised by your grandparents . '' she put a hand to her heart , as if she could soothe its frantic pounding . `` that 's ... that 's ... good , i guess . '' she was an orphaned and misplaced were , and their granddaughter . but she could n't go to them for support , because if she told them sophie was her mother , they would know she was a half-breed . after taking a steadying breath , she met his gaze . i appreciate knowing . '' even if it did her no good . `` if this foundation becomes well-known , then so will the name reynaud . '' `` i should be prepared with an answer if someone asks if i 'm related , since i live in the area . i do n't want to stammer and look as if i 'm lying . '' as the implications became clear , she groaned . `` my name will become more well-known as the manager of the whittier house inn , especially if it 's as successful as i plan for it to be , so it could work the other way , too . weres could ask my grandparents if they 're related to me. `` `` i suppose , but i was thinking that- '' `` this is not good , colin . '' she kept her voice low so the chauffeur could n't hear . `` the whole story could come out , which could be bad for business , not to mention embarrassing for you . i need to change my last name . '' `` or you could consider meeting your grandparents and getting everything out in the open , so it wo n't have the power to sabotage you later . '' no telling how they 'd react if they find out they 're related to a half-breed . after your rant this morning , i 'm more determined than ever to protect my secret . '' but , luna , you 're their granddaughter , the only link to their dead son . i know telling them is risky , but ... your mother and father are gone . would n't it be comforting to have family again ? '' his tone of voice was what clued her in . she stopped focusing on the problem and looked more closely at those beautiful eyes . sure enough , they were filled with sympathy ... and a certain amount of guilt . she had a flash of insight . `` i do n't think you stumbled upon the byron reynaud foundation by accident . '' i went looking for information about your grandparents . '' `` i think you need them , luna . '' irritation simmered beneath the surface , but she forced herself to speak calmly . they were in a limo , after all . `` whether i need them or do n't need them is none of your business , colin . i 'm grateful for the information , so i wo n't be caught unaware . the best course of action would be to change my name , so this will never become a problem . '' there 's the potential for weres to learn i 'm a half-breed and shun me . whittier house could lose business because of it . i could become a liability instead of an asset . '' `` give weres some credit , luna . they wo n't blame you for something that was n't your fault . '' she put all the hurt from this morning into that one question . that 's what i 've been trying to say ever since this blew up . your parents ' choices would n't have been my choices , but that does n't change the fact that you 're wonderful , no matter who your mother and father were . i did n't tell you about your grandparents because i was afraid it might hurt business at some time in the future . i told you because i want the best for you . '' she gazed at him and tried to make sense of it all .	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adrian leaned against the porch 's railing , glanced over , and did a double-take when he saw me . you are devastating when you 're cleaned up . '' instinctively , i touched the skin around my eye . even without being able to see it , i somehow knew he was right . `` you are n't smoking . '' `` bad habit , '' he said . you 're wearing a lot of protection . '' i frowned , then looked down . i had n't noticed my clothing . i wore a pair of embroidered jeans i 'd seen once but had been unable to afford . my t-shirt was cropped , showing off my stomach , and i wore a belly-button ring . i 'd always wanted to get my belly button pierced but had never been able to afford it . the charm i now wore here was a little silver dangly one , and hanging at the end of it was that weird blue eye pendant my mom had given me . lissa 's chotki was wound around my wrist . i looked back up at adrian , studying the way the sun shone off his brown hair . here , in full daylight , i could see that his eyes were indeed green- a deep emerald as opposed to lissa 's pale jade . something startling suddenly occurred to me . `` does n't all this sun bother you ? '' `` no , it 's my dream . '' he chuckled , but a moment later , the laugher faded . for the first time since i 'd met him , he looked serious . `` why do you have so much darkness around you ? '' `` you 're surrounded in blackness . '' his eyes studied me shrewdly , but not in a checking-me-out sort of way . `` i 've never seen anyone like you . shadows everywhere . even while you 're standing here , the shadows keep growing . '' i looked down at my hands but saw nothing out of the ordinary . `` i 'm shadow-kissed ... . '' `` what 's that mean ? '' `` i died once . '' i 'd never talked to anyone other than lissa and victor dashkov about that , but this was a dream . `` and i came back . '' wonder lit his face . `` ah , interesting ... '' i woke up . it was lissa . her feelings hit me so hard through the bond that i briefly snapped into her mind and found myself looking at me . `` weird '' did n't begin to cover it . i pulled back into myself , trying to sift through the terror and alarm coming from her . twelve i was out of bed in a flash . we found the entire lodge abuzz with the news . people clustered in small groups in the halls . family members sought each other out . some conversations were conducted in terrified whispers ; some were loud and easy to overhear . i stopped a few people , trying to get the story straight . everyone had a different version of what had happened , though , and some would n't even pause to talk . they hurried past , either seeking out loved ones or preparing to leave the resort , convinced there might be a safer place elsewhere . frustrated with the differing stories , i finally- reluctantly- knew i had to seek out one of the two sources who would give me solid information . my mother or dimitri . it was like flipping a coin . i was n't really thrilled with either one of them right now . i debated momentarily and finally decided on my mother , seeing as how she was n't getting it on with tasha ozera . the door to my mother 's room was ajar , and as lissa and i entered , i saw that a sort of makeshift headquarters had been established here . lots of guardians were milling around , moving in and out , and discussing strategy . a few gave us odd looks , but no one stopped or questioned us . lissa and i slid onto a small sofa to listen to a conversation my mother was having . she stood with a group of guardians , one of whom was dimitri . his brown eyes glanced at me briefly and i averted my gaze . i did n't want to deal with my troubled feelings for him right now . lissa and i soon discerned the details . eight moroi had been killed along with their five guardians . three moroi were missing , either dead or turned strigoi . the attack had n't really happened near here ; it had been somewhere in northern california . nonetheless , a tragedy like this could n't help but reverberate within the moroi world , and for some , two states away was far too close . people were terrified , and i soon learned what in particular made this attack so notable . `` there had to be more than last time , '' said my mother . exclaimed one of the other guardians . `` that last group was unheard of . i still ca n't believe nine strigoi managed to work together- you expect me to believe they managed to get more organized still ? '' `` yes , '' snapped my mother . `` any evidence of humans ? 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emily clung to his shoulders as the hot water trickled down their bodies . her ache for him increased with every pulse and thrust . with their lips locked in a magnificent fiery of sexual gratification , emily clenched her legs tighter around his waist to allow him to bury himself to the hilt . arching her body rhythmically against his , she took everything he had to give . dillon 's eyes dilated when he felt her hot , slick flesh contract tighter around him . emily moaned out in satisfied completion when she felt dillon jerk , shudder , and tremble against her . burying his face in her neck , he let out a guttural groan as he climaxed . pulling back , their gazes met and locked , holding steady as their breathing slowed to a normal pace . `` i love you , emily , '' he said as he gently placed her down and pulled her into him . `` i 'm happy you 're here with me . '' `` i love you , too , and i 'm sorry for the way i acted last night before you left . '' she started feathering kisses across his chest , her hands framing his face . `` i 'll try to be more understanding with your wacky schedules from now on . '' he gave her a soft grin . they spent the next half hour showering one another . dillon playfully ran the soap over her body , and emily returned the gesture as she cleaned his back . it was then that she realized what he said last night was correct . she needed to be there with dillon . there was n't a fiber in her soul that thought she could live so far away from him again . considering they did n't have time to go out to eat breakfast , emily wound up cooking for them . after cleaning up , dillon left for work . she got ready for her shift and then called her sister , lisa , who lived in california . she missed her tremendously . older than emily by ten years , lisa was like a second mother . she married her high-school sweetheart , michael , six years ago . because of her absentee father , emily looked to michael in ways that she would 've looked to her own father had he been there . lisa and michael meant the world to emily . not that seeing them was easy before her mom died , but literally being on opposite sides of the continent now , emily knew that their visits would be less frequent . however , they made a tentative date to try to see each other within the next few months . once finished , emily jumped in a taxi and headed to work . on her way , she found herself remembering how much her mom wanted to visit new york . she went as far as booking tickets to a show on broadway , but she fell ill shortly after . the rapid-fire pace of events after she was sick prevented her from being able to go . it was a bittersweet thought in emily 's head at that moment . here she was in the city her mother longed to visit , but she was n't there with her . as she made her way into the restaurant , emily tried to push the sorrow invading her thoughts to the side . you no gon na say hi to me ? '' roberto , the spanish cook , asked emily . `` me like you , emmy . me like you a lot . '' `` hi , roberto , '' she laughed . he blushed as emily punched her card through the time clock . fallon let her know that they felt she was strong enough to have her own station . since she was able to pull her weight during the rush yesterday , they gave her a few tables to start with . her first set of customers was a few new york city police officers . antonio watched her closely as she approached them . `` hello , my name 's emily . smiling , she pulled her pen and pad out of her apron . `` would you gentlemen like to place your drink orders , or do you know what you want ? '' the oldest officer , a man with salt-and-pepper hair , smiled back . `` you 're not our regular waitress . '' i just started working here yesterday , so you gentlemen need to take it easy on me , okay ? '' emily gestured over her shoulder to antonio . `` my boss is watching . '' with warm faces , they laughed , clearly amused at her remark . the youngest cop chimed in . nah , he 's harmless . '' the middle-aged cop gave a smirk . we 'll try to be nice , but sometimes we can be a pain in the ass . '' `` well , do n't be too hard on me , boys . '' emily smiled , happy that they all had a sense of humor . `` what can i get you gentlemen to drink ? '' emily took their orders and sent them back to the kitchen . she had another few tables come in before the lunch rush really picked up .	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`` mr. blake , you have a dillon parker here to see you . '' turning around , gavin stared at his office door . although a steady stream of adrenaline rocked through his system , his demeanor showed nothing but calmness . before he answered her , he slowly walked over to his desk , and with unhurried movements , he peeled his suit jacket from his body , laying it across his chair . in the same breath , he loosened his tie and casually rolled up the sleeves of his shirt . every male instinct in his mind screamed that his friend knew he and emily were together , and gavin had a feeling that his unannounced visit was about to become very ... interesting . gavin was more than aware that a jail cell might very well be his sleeping quarters this evening . drawing in a slow breath , he stretched his neck , squared his shoulders , and hit the button to the intercom . `` go ahead and send him in , natalie . with his jaw clenched , gavin watched as dillon entered his office , both men locking eyes on one another the second the door closed . after a few moments of thickening tension , dillon finally broke the silence , his tone low but his expression hard . `` what you did is fucked up . '' crossing his arms , gavin leaned against his desk as he stared dillon down from across the room . `` maybe if you treated emily the way she 's supposed to be treated , i would n't have done it . he asked , his voice measured , but his thoughts were n't even close . between thinking about the way he 'd grabbed emily and the fact that she had gone against his plea by saying something to dillon without him being there , gavin was ready to draw blood . dillon remained as still as stone . `` i should n't have to think about anything , bro . you had no fucking right doing what you did . '' `` i might not have , but what 's done is done , '' he stated firmly , reducing the distance between them by half . `` perhaps i need to reiterate it for you . if you 'd treated her the way a real man treats his woman , maybe things would be different for you right now . '' i would 've never touched her if i was n't , '' he said , his eyes still glued to gavin 's . `` you fucking sucker punched me . that was n't fucking cool , man . '' gavin rubbed at his chin absently . it was apparent to him that emily had n't said anything yet . `` wow , that 's original . 'i was drunk , ' so that makes it okay ? '' he did n't let dillon respond as he continued , `` so let me get this straight ... '' he chuckled , shaking his head . `` you 're here to talk shit to me because i knocked you out for manhandling emily the way you did ? '' why the fuck else would i be here ? '' gavin decided to skirt over that particular question with one of his own . `` what the fuck are you really here for ? '' `` because let me make myself very clear about the way i roll , dillon . if i would 've seen you do that to a dog - let alone emily - i would 've still done the same thing . when have you ever known me to sit back and watch a man do that to a woman ? tell me because i 'm honestly fucking curious now - and quite amused by the whole fucking thing . '' dillon 's granite expression softened almost imperceptibly . i 'm - `` `` oh , you do n't ? '' `` it sure as fuck seems like you do . if you ca n't understand why i did what i did , then there 's no reason for us to continue with this conversation . and if you 're going to use that pussy excuse of you being drunk to dismiss what you did to her , then there 's definitely no reason for us to continue this conversation . '' gavin pointed across the room . `` the door 's right there if you 're going to play that card with me . '' dillon stared at him a moment , his eyes narrowing again . `` like i said , i do n't want to argue with you , gavin . i 'll admit i messed up , and i told emily i 'm going to make things better . '' gavin cocked his head to the side , wondering exactly when they 'd spoken since emily had told him she was n't answering his calls . however , he remained quiet and let dillon continue . `` the problem i 'm having here is that you seem to have a bigger fucking problem with what happened than my own fiancee does . '' gavin asked , trying to ignore the cracking in his voice and the sudden spike in his body temperature . `` yeah , but i talked to her , and the wedding 's back on . '' dillon continued to speak , and although gavin was staring straight into his eyes , he did n't hear him .	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she just hoped to hell he got the message . `` i was thinking more along the lines of a long-term arrangement , '' brumley countered . `` i have a nice little cage that would be perfect for you . my little pet . play with you awhile then put you back in your cage . after a while you 'll be grateful for whatever attention i give you . i 'll have you broken in no time flat . '' brumley lifted an eyebrow . `` so strip . if i 'm satisfied with your performance , i 'll let your precious teammate go . '' `` going to fk me right here in front of everyone ? '' `` i do n't know if i 'd want your men to know you 're an impotent little shit . '' brumley advanced on her but she stood her ground . he wrapped his fist in her hair , pulling her up close . then he backhanded her but held her tightly so she did n't fall away . `` watch your mouth or i 'll kill him right here in front of you and then i 'll have you while you watch him dying . '' held out her hands . `` strip , '' he said again . for all she knew the ahole would pass her around to his little guard dogs , who were all leaning forward in interest now . but she needed at least one of them close if she had any hope of getting a weapon . `` want a striptease or you just want it done ? '' every minute she could keep him talking gave her much-needed time for steele to get here . brumley motioned to one of his men . `` get her out of her clothing and make it quick . '' she held her breath , every sense on high alert . the man closest to brumley went forward eagerly . `` put your hands up and do n't make a move , '' the guard said to her in a terse tone . slowly she raised her arms while he pulled a knife and made quick work of her shirt . cole went crazy . the chair he was positioned in bumped and threatened to shatter , forcing one of the other guards over . he pulled a gun and held it to cole 's head . `` for god 's sake , p.j. , do n't do this , '' cole pleaded . she did n't dare even look his way . when the man charged with undressing her got to her jeans , he yanked at the button of the fly and then slashed downward , coming perilously close to slicing through her skin . she was standing in just her bra and panties and she 'd never felt so vulnerable in her life . she would n't go back to being that scared , helpless woman she 'd been the first time brumley had raped her . she would n't let that woman come in and take control . this time she was in control . she was in the driver 's seat and he 'd take nothing from her . she 'd die before she allowed him to touch her again . she kept close watch on the man divesting her of her clothing . his gun was so close , almost within reach . she held her breath , needing him to turn just a bit more . shit , she 'd lost track of the third man . one was guarding cole , one was stripping her down , but where was the third guy ? she could n't pretend modesty and suddenly start acting the shy maiden when she 'd boldly confronted brumley and issued her challenge . she cringed when the ahole slid the blade underneath her bra right in the hollow of her brsts . a sick feeling assailed her when the bra fell away and then he moved the blade lower to her panties . please , please let steele be close . she might not be able to get herself and cole out of this one on her own . the man stepped back and she lost any opportunity of grabbing his gun . she was left alone in the middle of the room , nakd , with the eyes of these bastards feasting greedily on her . then she finally located the third guard . he 'd been behind her , toward the corner , but now he stepped forward , wanting to look his fill as well . the anticipation on the guards ' faces told her it was very likely that brumley did n't mind sharing his property . brumley took a step forward and she could see the bulge in his slacks . the bastard was completely turned on by the scene before him and he likely savored the idea of raping her right here in front of cole . `` okay , i 'm nakd , '' she said coolly . brumley cast a glance in cole 's direction . cole 's expression was murderous . `` and let him miss out on the fun ? '' brumley asked . `` what better satisfaction would it be than to f**k you right here while he watches ? '' `` that was n't the deal , '' she snapped .	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she could understand the reaction , since captain gilbrides imposing and almost intimidating physical presence was offset by a charming smile and spectacular gray eyes that gleamed with sardonic laughter . he appeared the sort of man who found a great deal of enjoyment in life . evie could already envision her twin engaging the captain in a highly improper flirtation that would drive their mother demented . hallo , whats everyone doing out here in the hot sun ? exclaimed a familiar voice . evie leaned around will to see her brother hurrying across the lawn . matt , you bounder , eden cried , throwing herself in his arms . we were beginning to wonder when youd show up . it was very naughty of you to leave us to entertain lady mary all by ourselves . matthew gave her a brusque but affectionate hug . youd think you hadnt seen me for a month . besides , my fianc is charming and you know it . im sure youve been having a monstrously pleasant time with her . thats one way of describing it , eden said in a wry voice . lady mary park was almost as great a snob as evies mother , but she was the daughter of an earl , the granddaughter of a duke , and was bringing quite a respectable dowry into her marriage to matt . mamma was in alt over the impending nuptials , and matta kind brother and dutiful son but not a person given to deep thinkingseemed more than pleased with his future bride . eden , however , couldnt stand her and evie wasnt far behind in her low opinion of lady mary . sis , howve you been keeping ? matt asked , bestowing a brotherly kiss on evies cheek . i see youve found wolf and captain gilbride . it was kind of you to invite them down , evie said politely . what luck that you ran into them at your club . a puzzled frown creased matts pleasant , round face . seemed more like wolf hunting me down , actually . oh , i say , he said with a laugh . thats rather a fun joke , dont you think ? wolf hunting me down ? eden pinched the space between her eyebrows while captain gilbride peered at matt with a bemused expression . will , however , directed a rather baleful stare at her brother , which struck evie as odd . he knew as well as anyone that matt had a ponderous sense of humor , so why should it surprise him now ? yes , dear , im sure we all appreciated your little joke , evie said . but what do you mean wolf hunted you good lord , captain gilbride said , whipping a pocket watch from his waistcoat . surely it must be past time to change for dinner . evie cast a nervous glance at the house . in the shock of seeing will , shed forgotten about dinner . confound it , matt exclaimed . mamma expressly sent me out to look for you . she wanted to see you before dinner , evie . and she looked rather put out , if you want to know the truth . what have you done to rile the old girl up now ? her cheeks burning with embarrassment , evie glanced at will , but he simply regarded her with a quiet sympathy that looked too much like pity . i havent done anything , as far as i know , but one never knows . dont worry about mamma , eden said . but wed better all get back to the house or there will surely be a scene . that sounds amusing , captain gilbride commented sardonically . trust me , it wouldnt be , will replied . evie was almost tempted to laugh . much had changed in the last ten years , but one thing still had the power to unite them allfear of lady reese . her impulse to laugh died when will stepped forward , as if ready to take her arm and escort her back to the house . she had an alarming sense that if she touched him , she might just faint from sheer nerves fortunately , her sister turned her back on captain gilbride , who was politely asking if he could escort her to the house . instead , eden slipped her hand in the crook of wills arm . when he responded with a startled look , she flashed him a grin . come along , wolf , eden said . im dying to hear all about your adventures . she cast a saucy glance at gilbride , who looked slightly taken aback by her rebuff . im sure you and the captain got up to all kinds of trouble over there . chattering gaily , eden pulled will across the lawn . captain gilbride , looking peeved , trailed in their wake . taking matts arm , evie started to follow at a slower pace . looks like edies up to her old tricks . matts pleasant , rather stolid features registered his disapproval . shell have those two at sixes and sevens before nightfall . shes just teasing will , thats all . hope so for your sake , sis . we all know how you feel about will .	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his smile , his mouth , their tongues touching as she was enveloped by manflesh , manskin , the two men who completed her - it made her feel truly , madly , intensely loved . dylan 's words were a trigger for so much more as he nipped her ear and whispered , `` i love you , too . '' mike released her and she spun around , arms lifting over his shoulders , his muscled forearms on her back and hips , their embrace less sexual and more a homecoming . until his mouth found hers , telepathically transmitting everything they could n't say but felt , as if he thought and emoted for her through a long , wet stroke , or fingers that trailed a line down her neck to her brsts , pausing to turn a soft areola into a pebbled nipple . `` and i love you , '' she replied , smiling into the kiss , feeling his mouth shift , too , into a grin . ah , she really was home . they 'd all said it , felt it , meant it . the sweet taste of it was nirvana , a light , delicate - but hardy - flavor that they would relish forever . she moved to the bed , climbing on carefully , the only one wearing anything . slipping out of her panties , she became self-conscious of her body for the first time - how it had changed , how she had gained weight , how her brsts were fuller , more sensitive , her hps wider and more lush . would they like it ? was she too big ? mike 's hands held an answer as he reached for her , eyes tracking his own hand as he moved it along her side . she propped her head with her hand , elbow holding at an angle , brsts and belly pulled down by gravity and one leg bent . `` you 're so ... '' he sighed , his hand opening where her ribcage met her breast , smoothing and sloping to take in more . `` voluptuous . bending in , muscles rippling and arms tight , he kissed her and then slid into bed , arms warm and chest pressed against her , molding himself around her . she relaxed into rippled muscles on his thighs , his long , lean body surrounding her , mouth kissing her neck - oh ! that was dylan , who had taken up residence behind her , her back warmed instantly by a wall of hot skin and hard flesh that started with her ass , then her thighs , gliding up her sacrum , back , and shoulders , like a strong blanket of sensuality . his hands cupped her brsts as he kissed her neck , erection pressed into the cleft of her ass , ready for her bidding and whatever they all chose next . that they had all the time , all the choice in the world , to do as they wished right here , right now . just the feel of them against her body made her abs tighten , the flesh above her clt buzzing , her hands eager and needy , touching mike and dylan with an urgency she did n't have to possess any more . no scarcity . all three had made the decision to move on , to redesign the world , to make their love so much more . mike trailed kisses down her br**sts , looping one nipple into his mouth , tongue teasing with circles of benevolence , making her walls clamp and the air in her lungs rush out . base instinct guided her hands to his hair , hoping - oh , hoping ! - he was headed where she needed that mouth most right now . it had been long , long months without , and her body tingled with anticipation , for that first cool touch of tongue tip , as the warmth of her flesh would mix with his wetness and make her gasp . `` are you ok on your back ? '' `` i can be creative , '' mike answered , his voice muffled . for some reason , it made her giggle , and she got a case of the sillies , right here in this incredibly sensual moment . laughing so hard tears filled her eyes , dylan watched her , eyes dancing with amusement . mike paused , then crawled up her body , dragging his chest along her skin . his head popped up , face curious , as she quivered and shook , overcome with laughter . `` i 've been laughed at in bed before , '' he said , `` but never while doing that . '' that made her giggle even more , great whoops surprising her , mike glancing at dylan , dylan 's shrug , both sets of eyes watching her . contagious , the laughter got them too , deep voices rumbling with chuckles until finally laura settled down , flapping her hands in front of her face to cool down and calm herself . dylan asked , finger circling her nipple . mike dipped his head back under the covers and moved down . a kiss on her hip . a kiss on her knee . a kiss on her mons . `` giggling now ? how about i make you gasp . 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knowing she would n't be able to speak , she merely nodded inanswer and slid nakd under the bed linens lady gervillewas holdingup for her . she had barely settled there whenthe soundofmale voices and laughter sounded muffled through thedoor . avelyn unconsciously clutched the linen close as the sound drew nearer . thenthe door crashedopen andatangle of male bodies burstinto the room . paen was deepin their midst , already half nakdand besetby nearlyhalf a dozenpairsofhandsstripping away article after article of clothing . within seconds of their entering the room , the bedlinenwas brieflytorn away . she wasexposed only longenough for paen to bethrust into the bed beside her , but avelyn dieda thousanddeaths in that time , those seconds lasting an eternity as she feltherbodyscoured by all those eyes . `` oh , aye , ye luckysod ! `` someone cried . `` she 'll makea fine pillow for yerhead of a knight. `` `` aye , and keep ye warmduring long cold winters too , '' someone elsesaid . then paen was in thebed and avelyn quickly tuggedthe linens back to her neck . theroom emptied outas quicklyas it had filled , the women following themen out , until avelyn and paenwereleftalone , though avelyn hardly noticed . she was in somethingofadazedstate as she marveled over the fact that not a single rude comment about her size had been made . in fact , the men had sounded truly congratulatorytoward her husband , as if hehad gained himself aprize . she enjoyed thatfor afullmoment before some part of hermind suggested thatperhaps not only hercousins had been intimidatedbyhernew husband . avelynglancedtoward paen andrealized that she had been so consumedwith worry at the being-naked-in-front-of-everyone part that she had not allowed her mind tocontinueonpastthat . now itstruck her that it was timeforthe bedding . she tried to swallow , but there was nothing to swallow . her mouth was asdryas dust . she was also having troublebreathing again , although she was most definitely unbound now . avelyn 's mother had explained all that would happen this night , asa good mother should . ithad n't soundedterribly attractive or dignified , but her mother had assured herit would befine . avelyn found that hard to believe at the moment as herhusband shifted to lean over her cringing figure . her thoughts died abruptly aspaenkissed her . she stiffened under the caress , herlips pressing tighter together as hismouth drifted over hers . she was uncertain whether she liked the caress . before she could makeuphermind , she felt his handon her breast throughthelinensand gave a start of surprise . she opened her mouthon a protest and foundit suddenlyfilled . avelyn was pretty sure it was histongue , thoughshe had no idea whyhe would put itinside hermouth . unlesshe waschecking to seethatshe had all her teeth . he tasted of the whiskey he 'd drunk at dinner , which wasrathernice . she waited for the examination to be over , sure he mustbepleased to learnthat shedid indeed have all her teeth , but it was a lengthyinvestigation and stirred some rather odd sensationsinher . avelyn had the overpowering urge tosuck on that tongue , and perhaps to examine his teeth as well . deciding the sucking part might be an aberration while the examiningof his teeth would probably be acceptable , sheleft off the sucking and slidher own tongue forwardto moveit tentatively around inside his mouth . she did n't gettofeel much in the way of teeth . the momenther tongue moved in , his began towrestlewith hers . thisstirred anotherwhole passelof feelings inside hersothat avelyn did not notice that he was tuggingthelinenawayfrom her br*sts until it was almost gone . shemade a quick grabfor it , but it was too late . avelyn supposed she shouldn'tbe embarrassedto find herself nakd in bed with her husband . after all , he had surely seen herwhen they had whipped the linen awayto placehim in bed . onthe other hand , thathad been a quick glimpse and surely he hadn'tseen much ? she had nointerest in his seeing more . avelyn had barelycome to that realization when paen began to pull away from the kiss . she knewatonce that he would wish to peeratthe br**sts he had exposed . embarrassed and ashamedat their verylargesize , shepromptly slidher arms around his neck and pulledhimback , kissinghim with an earnestnessthat had been missing earlier . she even gave into the urge tosuck on his tongue as she had wished to do earlier .	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`` i have such a crick in my neck , '' cecily was saying with a smile . i can hardly believe i managed to fall asleep in such a position- '' she broke off as both of them seemed to sense the mood of the room and paused , glancing around . will did seem better rested than he had the day before , and pleased to have cecily by him , though that cautious good mood was clearly evaporating as he glanced around at the expressions of the others in the room . `` tessa and i have decided to move up our wedding ceremony , '' jem said . `` it will be in the next few days . '' will said nothing , and his expression did not change , but he went very white . he did not look at tessa . `` jem , the clave , '' charlotte said , ceasing to pound henry 's back and standing up with a look of agitation on her face . `` they have not approved your marriage yet . you can not go against them- '' `` we can not wait for them either , '' jem said . `` it could be months , a year-you know how they prefer to delay than give an answer they fear you will not like . '' `` and it is not as if our marriage can be their focus at the moment , '' tessa said . `` benedict lightwood 's papers , searching for mortmain-all must take priority . but this is a personal matter . '' `` there are no personal matters to the clave , '' will said . his voice sounded hollow and odd , as if he were a great distance away . there was a pulse pounding at his throat . tessa thought of the delicate rapport they had begun to build between them over the past few days and wondered if this would destroy it , dashing it into pieces like a fragile craft against rocks . `` my mother and father- '' `` there are laws about marriage to mundanes . there are no laws about marriage between a nephilim and what tessa is . and if i must , like your father , i will give up being a shadowhunter for this . '' `` james- '' `` i would have thought you of all people would understand that , '' said jem , the look he bent on will both puzzled and hurt . `` i am not saying i do n't understand . i 'm only urging you to think- '' `` i have thought . '' jem sat back . `` i have a mundane marriage license , legally procured and signed . we could walk into any church and marry today . i would much prefer you all be there , but if you can not be , we will do it regardless . '' `` to marry a girl just to make her a widow , '' said gabriel lightwood . `` many would say that was not a kindness . '' jem went rigid beside tessa , his hand stiff in hers . will started forward , but tessa was already on her feet , burning holes in gabriel lightwood with her eyes . `` do not dare speak about it as if jem has all the choice about it and i have none , '' she said , never moving her eyes from his face . `` this engagement was not forced on me , nor do i have any illusions about jem 's health . i choose to be with him for however many days or minutes we are granted , and to count myself blessed to have them . '' gabriel 's eyes were as cold as the sea off the newfoundland coast . `` i was only concerned for your welfare , miss gray . '' `` better to look out for your own , '' tessa snapped . and now those green eyes narrowed . `` i believe the lady means , '' will drawled , `` that she is not the one who killed her father . or have you so quickly recovered from it that we have no need for concern for your sensibilities , gabriel ? '' cecily gave a gasp . gabriel rose to his feet , and in his expression tessa saw again the boy who had challenged will to single combat the first time she had met him-all arrogance , stiffness , and hate . `` if you ever dare- , '' he began . `` stop , '' charlotte said-and then she broke off , as through the windows came the sound of the rusty gates of the institute grinding open and the clop of horse hooves on pavement . jessamine . '' charlotte scrambled to her feet , discarding her napkin on her plate . `` come-we must go down to greet her . '' it proved , if an ill-timed arrival in other respects , at least an excellent distraction . there was a slight hubbub , and a deal of puzzlement on the part of gabriel and cecily , neither of whom really understood precisely who jessamine was or the part she had played in the life of the institute . they proceeded down the corridor in a disorderly fashion , tessa hanging back slightly ; she felt breathless , as if her corset had been laced too tightly .	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and i was very much in love with your mother . '' he spoke with force , eyes still shining with emotion . `` it 's been a strange journey since then , for sure . who knows how different it would have been if she 'd told me she was pregnant with you ? '' `` you might not be sitting here as president of the united states , '' suggested barbara . `` your life might have taken a different course . '' `` i might have accepted the assistant manager position i was offered at willey 's tool and die . '' `` they paid time and a half for weekends . '' `` but you had bigger dreams . '' barbara tilted her head . `` you 'd just accepted a scholarship to attend cornell university . '' `` i wanted to get out of my small pond and see if i could swim in a larger one . '' then his eyes fixed on hers again . `` i never intended to abandon ellie . '' barbara carey leaned toward him . `` ellie is eleanor albert , your high school sweetheart ? '' i wrote her letters and we 'd made plans to spend the summer together . '' `` then one day she stopped responding to my letters . she did n't answer the phone . her mother hung up on me . '' `` i guessed that she 'd met someone else . i had no idea she 'd been bundled out of town to hide a pregnancy . '' `` and you never saw her again . '' barbara 's famous voice added drama to the pronouncement . i 've certainly thought about her over the years . wondered where she was and hoped she was happy . '' `` but you never married anyone else . '' `` i guess i just never met anyone i loved as much as ellie . '' his usually granite-hard features were softened with emotion . ariella 's heart ached at the thought that eleanor-ellie-was out there and deathly afraid of him . thinking he 'd be angry and would hate her for her choice to keep her secret . she vowed that once she got to know him she 'd convince eleanor to meet him in person . `` well , we have a surprise for you , president morrow . '' `` i 'm not sure how many more surprises i can take . it 's been quite a year for them . '' barbara stood and peered off into the darkness beyond the studio lights , and both ariella and her father instinctively stood as well . `` it was n't easy to convince her , but i 'm happy to tell you that eleanor is here with us tonight . '' ariella gasped . she tried to make out her mother 's face but it was too hard to see . she glanced at ted morrow , but he simply looked shocked . at last she made out liam crowe , the head of ans , walking toward them with eleanor on his arm . her hair was carefully coiffed , and she wore a simple burgundy dress , and looked young and pretty , and very , very nervous . her eyes were riveted on ted morrow like she 'd seen a ghost . the president breathed her name like a prayer . blinking , she walked into the glare of the lights . `` hello , ted . '' her voice was tiny , barely audible . he enveloped her in the same bear hug he 'd greeted ariella with , but there was something ... tentative about the way he held her . stage hands quietly appeared with a chair for her to sit on , next to ariella , who she greeted nervously . barbara leaned toward ted . `` i have to tell you that eleanor approached us . she had heard of the special from ariella , and she decided it was time to face you and tell her side of the story . '' ted stared at eleanor in a daze as if he could n't believe she was really here . `` ariella and i met in london . '' `` meeting her meant so much to me . i do n't suppose i realized how much i gave up until i saw her beautiful face and talked with her . after that i knew i had to face you again , too , ted . '' `` i never knew what happened to you . i pestered your mother for years but she never told me . she said you 'd gone to live abroad . '' i met my husband , married him and moved to ireland all within a year of giving birth to ariella . it seemed easier for everyone if i just disappeared . '' `` it was n't easier for me , '' ted protested . you know i 'd have married you . '' she looked at him in silence , her lip trembling . `` i knew that 's what you 'd do . that you 'd give up your dreams to do the right thing . i could n't let you do that . '' `` maybe there were other things that were more important to me than building a big career . '' eleanor 's voice was higher .	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brianna nodded ; she 'd heard something of duncan 's trouble from her mother . `` well , '' phaedre said with a sigh . `` he wrong about that . '' she glanced at brianna , to see how she might take this admission . `` he was n't meaning no harm , and nor was i . it just-happened . '' `` but ulysses , he find it out ; he find out every single thing goes on at river run , sooner or later . maybe one of the girls told him , maybe some other way , but he knew . and he told me that ai n't right , i put a stop to it this minute . '' brianna guessed . phaedre shook her head slowly , lips pushed out . `` told him i 'd stop when mr. duncan did n't want to no more-not his business . see , i thought mr. duncan , he the master . ai n't true , though ; ulysses be the master at river run . '' `` so he-he took you away-sold you ? -to stop you sleeping with duncan ? '' was he afraid jocasta would discover the affair and be hurt ? `` no , he sell me because i told him if he do n't leave me and mr. duncan be , then i tell about him and miss jo . '' `` him and ... '' brianna blinked , not believing what she was hearing . phaedre looked at her , and gave a small , ironic smile . `` he share miss jo 's bed these twenty years and more . since before old master die , my mama said . every slave there knows it ; ai n't one stupid enough to say so to his face , 'cept me . '' brianna knew she was gaping like a goldfish , but could n't help it . a hundred tiny things she 'd seen at river run , myriad small intimacies between her aunt and the butler , suddenly took on new significance . no wonder her aunt had gone to such lengths to get him back after the death of lieutenant wolff . and no wonder , either , that ulysses had taken instant action . phaedre might have been believed , or not ; the mere accusation would have destroyed him . phaedre sighed , and rubbed a hand over her face . `` he ai n't waste no time . that very night , he and mr. jones come take me from my bed , wrap me up tight in a blanket , and carry me away in a wagon . mr. jones , he say he ai n't no slaver , but he do it as a favor for mr. ulysses . so he do n't keep me ; he take me way downriver , though , sell me in wilmington to a man what owns an ordinary . that 's not too bad , but then a couple months later , mr. jones comes and takes me back-wilmington 's not far enough away to suit ulysses . so he give me to mr. butler , and mr. butler , he take me to edenton . '' she looked down , pleating the quilt between long , graceful fingers . her lips were tight , and her face slightly flushed . brianna forbore to ask what she had done for butler in edenton , thinking that she had likely been employed in a brothel . `` and ... er ... stephen bonnet found you there ? '' phaedre nodded , not looking up . `` won me in a card game , '' she said succinctly . `` i got to go ; i had me enough of crossing black men-ai n't risking no more beatings from that emmanuel . '' brianna was beginning to emerge from the shock of hearing about ulysses and her aunt . a sudden thought occurred to her , and she jumped out of bed , hurrying to catch phaedre before she reached the door . just one more thing-do you-do the slaves at river run-know anything about the gold ? '' `` what , in old master 's tomb ? phaedre 's face expressed a cynical surprise that there could be any doubt about it . `` ai n't nobody touch it , though . everybody know there a curse on it . '' `` do you know anything about its disappearing ? '' phaedre 's face went blank . `` disappearing ? '' `` oh , wait-no , you would n't know ; you ... left , long before it disappeared . i just wondered , you know , whether maybe ulysses had something to do with that . '' phaedre shook her head . but i ai n't put one thing past ulysses , curse or no . '' there was a sound of heavy footsteps on the stair , and she paled .	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kate racked in a breath and stiffened , all the more conscious of the situation ; alone with gage and virtually trapped against him . his touch , silken and possessive , trailing along her skin . her eyes jumped to his devilishly handsome face , his dark hair framing his features like a satiny cloak . how she longed to run her fingers through that tempting mane and just indulge in the sensation . `` you ca n't be serious , '' she said with difficulty , trying not to shiver as his face drew closer to nuzzle at her neck . `` oh , you bet i am , '' growled gage . `` wanting you is a knee-jerk reaction for me , kate . and it 's not about to go away . i 've decided it 's time to stop fighting it and just go with how it feels . '' kate 's eyes closed and her head almost fell back as his lips pressed warmly to the pulse at the base of her throat . his hand fell on her chest , just above the spot where her heart was going a mile a minute . `` and of course , it 's always got to be all about you . i guess whatever rockstar god gage stevens wants , he gets . '' despite herself , her tone was chagrined . it irked that he would just assume that just because he desired her , he could automatically get her . and then she almost forgot how to breathe when his fingertips brushed over the low neckline of her top , tracing the curve of her clvage . sometimes , i get to face rejection like everybody else . but you 're not going to say no to me , are you ? you 're are n't going to stop me when i do this ... and this . '' in turns , he kissed one swell of breast and then the other , the firm flesh rising from the daring bodice of her corset worn for the big show - which was just an hour away or less . and yet ... kate could n't deny he was right . he no longer held her down , and she could easily pull away if she wanted to . not even with his hands reaching for her perfectly round brsts , which he squeezed through the corset . kate gasped ; body tingling as he buried his face within the scented cleft of her mounds and groaned deep in his throat . his fingers tugged down hard on the bodice , freeing a fat pink nipple . kate bit on her lip as he rolled his tongue around the budding tip , sending volts of pleasure through her system . her fingers involuntarily clutched into his messily sexy hair , a whimper of bliss coasting her lips as gage sealed his mouth around nipple . the result was almost electric , jolting her with shockwaves that made her convulse . from somewhere deep inside her senses , kate tried to reason out why this should n't be happening . `` we ca n't do this , gage , '' she gasped , while her hands all but guided him closer to her rigid teat , which he pulled from his mouth with a sensuous 'pop ' . `` and yet we are doing it , '' gage murmured , his tone reassuring yet firm . and filled with an incredible hunger , blended with scorching raw heat . warmth seeped into her pores and she forced herself to meet his smoldering gaze . let 's go wild . i 'm rock-hard enough for you already and damned if i 'm going on stage while i 'm in fking heat . open your mouth , kate , '' gage growled against her trembling lips . shamefully , helplessly , kate 's lips parted . his thighs shifted beneath her curvy ass that now ground into his very evident erection . moaning , kate opened wide for his rampaging kiss . there was no teasing , no warm-up . he swept his tongue into her moist crevice and plunged in deep . his mouth crushed against hers , lashing that sin-laced tongue against hers as they dueled with sensual abandon . gage pushed his hand beneath her corset and palmed her brsts ; kneading with such raw hunger it made her moan into his mouth . he showed no restraint there as well as his fingers tugged on her nipple so hard she felt it deep in her p**sy . it had been so long for her ... and his rough , taking touch was just what he needed . she could cum right then from just his kiss and his hands on her tits . kate knew she did n't want to spend another night lost in dreams of gage 's lovemaking . not another lonely fantasy where she wished he would claim her , thrusting his hardness into her mouth before sinking his face between her welcoming thighs . urging him on by her whispers of pleasure ... begging him to take her with his untamed , consuming passion . to make her explode and then leave her shuddering and shrieking her release ... and here he was , offering her the real thing .	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you may be in lust with me , you may be infatuated . but you do not love me . '' `` do n't tell me i do n't love you ! '' his pulse was roaring in his ears and panic clawed at his throat . he damn well did love her , and the hell of it was , he did trust her . after he 'd calmed down , he knew damn well she and ash were n't doing shit behind his back . he trusted her and he damn sure trusted his best friend . neither of them would ever do anything to betray him . but he 'd reacted emotionally and lashed out at the two people he cared most about . because he was a hotheaded dick with a shitty temper and a propensity for biting the people closest to him . jesus , he had to get his shit together . `` you say you love me , but your actions say otherwise . '' her voice was quiet and resigned . `` words are just words . the evidence is in how you act , how you react . you never even asked what ash was doing here . other than asking us what the fk was going on in that accusatory , shitty voice . and it was n't really a question you wanted an answer to anyway . it was more of an 'aha ! i caught you in the act ! ' '' i know damn well you were n't doing anything behind my back . i knew it then too . i 'm in a shitty mood , had a shitty day and i took it out on you and ash . '' `` apologize to him , '' she choked out . `` you hurled a horrible insult at him . you 've been best friends for twenty years . you 've only known me a few weeks , so i guess i ca n't ask for more in the trust department . but what you thought of him was just shitty . '' and yeah , i 'll absolutely apologize to him , but first i have to make it right with you . '' `` you ca n't make this right , '' she said sadly . `` no amount of saying i love you and i trust you makes it true when it is n't . '' he whispered , fear paralyzing him . `` i 'm going to pack my stuff and go . and no , i 'm not running off or being irrational . but i ca n't stay here . i 'll go back to the other apartment . it 's not like jack is there anyway . i 'll figure out what to do next . '' as she started toward the bedroom , jace caught her arm and pulled her roughly against his chest . you are n't going , '' he said with fierce determination . `` the hell you 're going anywhere . we 've been over this , baby . you stay and fight . throw something at me . but you stay and fight for what we have . '' her gaze was heavy and dull when she looked directly in his eyes . `` what good does it do for me to fight when you wo n't ? '' then he tightened his grips on her shoulders , curling his fingers inward to keep him from shaking . `` you are n't going anywhere tonight , '' he growled . `` it 's cold and it 's snowing . you stay here where it 's safe . '' she closed her eyes , averting her face with a sigh . he fingered her collar , flicking at the diamond . `` you sleep in my bed . no fking way you 're going to sleep on the couch . '' her shoulders slumped even further and she wrenched away from his grasp . without a word , she walked toward the bedroom , leaving jace kicking himself with every breath . he had to catch ash before this went too far . he had been a complete dick . he 'd let bethany cool off . he 'd catch ash , apologize and then he 'd come back to bethany when emotions were n't running so high . and then he was going to grovel like hell and swear on all that was holy that he 'd hold his fking tongue in the future . he pulled out his cell and punched ash 's number in . jace winced at the fury in his friend 's voice . `` you very far ? '' `` i 'm getting into the car now . '' have him circle . meet me in front . '' `` just do it , ash , '' jace said softly . `` you and i both know i was an ahole . i 'm not letting you leave pissed off . '' `` too late for that , '' ash snapped . `` i 'll be down in two minutes . '' he disconnected the call and hoped like hell ash was n't so pissed off that he would n't come back inside . he already felt like the biggest jackass on the planet . jace hurried into the elevator and rode down . when he got off , he made certain he positioned himself where he 'd see if bethany tried to bolt . when he glanced toward the entrance , he was hugely relieved to see ash stalking back through the doors .	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maybe youre just stressed about being back ? maddy didnt answer . it was typical of grace , trying to make sense of it all . i mean maybe youre just trying to work through everything that happened . come on , grace , kara said . she wrapped her arm around maddys shoulders . she said she saw something and i believe her . we just dont know why . i told you , kara said . i think it might have more to do with the star than we think . it was the last thing we all did together ... the book , that same book that told about the starit said something about our fortunes being granted , but only for a time how do you remember this stuff ? kara stood , moved around the coffee table and began pacing . anyway , in my book , these three girls make their wishes on the stars . just like us , maddy said . but its only good for a short time and then ... then what ? their fortunes are reversed . what do you mean reversed ? maddy asked , leaning forward on the couch . im not there yet . kara crossed her arms . im just saying it could have something to do with the star . i wished to be away from serenity falls forever , but here i am . maddy looked at grace . and i wished for a family ... grace didnt answer . but they all knew what had happened to maddys dream . do you still have the book ? we could look at it , just to see . some of itwell most of itwas stuff that we just skipped through the first time . we should look at it again , then , kara said , stopping once more . i want to know exactly what maddy saw , kara told her . kara frowned but didnt argue . her shoulders moved in a shrug and she started toward the hallway . im checking into the hotel tomorrowlet you have your house back . you dont have to , kara grace began . itll be best . its not like this is rural country , kara , grace called after her . serenity falls is a lot bigger than it used to be . if you say so , grace . goodnight , maddy . maddy looked to grace and smiled at her expression . she adjusted her blankets . i mean , there is only one movie theater . and no macys . the sacrifices we make . goodnight grace . maddy snuggled under her covers , curling her hands around the fabric . karas thoughts were making a little too much sense . maybe grace was right . could it be stress ? something that simple ? or was there more to the star than any of them ever considered ? chapter 11 riley was up at 6:30 , just like every other morning . when he flicked open the blinds in his bedroom , revealing a meadow of trees , he also spotted a dismal charcoal sky . perfect weather for bad news . he planned on telling grace about the youth center tonight . maybe she wouldnt take it as hard as he thought , since she hadnt been back there in months . but it was grandpa moores baby , and he knew that wouldnt sit well with her . riley showered and dressed in a casual pair of slacks and a dress shirt . he poured a bowl of cereal and took it with him to the front porch . there was a chill in the air that streamed off the early morning fog snaking up the street . but far above , patches of blue dotted the sky . the sun struggled to be seen . riley sat in a folding chair on the half-finished porch . not the most comfortable , but hed remedy that eventually . pine wood planks completed the deck base and hed purchased the wood for the support beams and the roof . he still planned on a railing , and needed to stain the wood and seal it , but he figured if he accepted help from the few offers hed gotten , he could finish the entire project before winter . in three or four weekends if he was ambitious . after he ate , riley drove into town , passing the antique store with a long glance . he didnt see graces car , which either meant shed had a late night and decided not to come in early or shed realized life didnt revolve around work . maybe kara and maddy would get her out of her funk . this helped ease some of the concern hed had about grace the last several weeks . if he couldnt get her to tell him what she was dealing with , maybe she would talk to her friends . maybe her friends were part of it . he flipped on the radio for background noise . she had seemed more on edge since maddy had arrived . and he kept finding her reading that book theyd found at the guesthouse . he had no clue what it was about but he planned on finding out . as far as kara and maddy , he didnt know either of them well enough to draw any conclusions . kara had seemed a little quiet at dinner the other night , but otherwise friendly and more on the opinionated side .	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i felt the blood draining from my head and sat down heavily on a rock outcropping . `` well , sassenach , '' he said , still avoiding my gaze , `` all i can say is , it 's a hell of a place to be wounded . '' i sat still , stunned by this revelation . jamie sat quiet beside me , studying the broad backs of his hands . there was still a small pink mark on the back of the right one . jack randall had driven a nail through it , in wentworth . `` d 'ye hate me for it , claire ? '' his voice was soft , almost tentative . i shook my head , eyes closed . i opened them , and saw his face close by , wearing a troubled frown . `` i do n't know what i think now , jamie . but i do n't hate you . '' i put a hand on his , and squeezed it gently . `` just ... let me be by myself for a minute , all right ? '' clad once more in my now-dry gown , i spread my hands flat on my thighs . one silver , one gold . both my wedding rings were still there , and i had no idea what that meant . jack randall would never father a child . jamie seemed sure of it , and i was n't inclined to question him . and yet i still wore frank 's ring , i still remembered the man who had been my first husband , could summon at will thoughts and memories of who he had been , what he would do . how was it possible , then , that he would not exist ? i shook my head , thrusting back the wind-dried curls behind my ears . chances were , i never would know . but whether one could change the future or not-and it seemed we had-i was certain that i could n't change the immediate past . what had been done had been done , and nothing i could do now would alter it . jack randall would sire no children . a stone rolled down the slope behind me , bouncing and setting off small slides of gravel . i turned and glanced up , to where jamie , dressed once more , was exploring . the rockfall above was recent . fresh white surfaces showed where the stained brown of the weathered limestone had fractured , and only the smallest of plants had yet gained a foothold in this tumbled pile of rock , unlike the thick growth of shrubs that blanketed the rest of the hillside . jamie inched to one side , absorbed in finding handholds through the intricacies of the fall . i saw him edge around a giant boulder , hugging the rock , and the faint scrape of his dirk against the stone came to me through the still afternoon air . expecting him to reappear round the other side of the rock , i waited , enjoying the sun on my shoulders . but he did n't come back into sight , and after a few moments , i grew worried . he might have slipped and fallen or banged his head on a rock . i took what seemed forever to undo the fastenings of my heeled boots again , and still he had not come back . i rucked up my skirts , and started up the hill , bare toes cautious on the rough warm rocks . he spoke behind me , startling me , and i nearly lost my balance . he caught me by the arm and lifted me down to a small clear space between the jagged fallen stones . he turned me toward the limestone wall , stained with water rust , and smoke . i looked where he pointed , up across the smooth expanse of the cave wall , and gasped at the sight . painted beasts galloped across the rock face above me , hooves spurning the air as they leaped toward the light above . there were bison , and deer , grouped together in tail-raised flight , and at the end of the rock shelf , a tracing of delicate birds , wings spread as they hovered above the charge of the earthbound beasts . done in red and black and ochre with a delicate grace that used the lines of the rock itself for emphasis , they thundered soundlessly , haunches rounded with effort , wings taking flight through the crevices of stone . they had lived once in the dark of a cave , lit only by the flames of those who made them . exposed to the sun by the fall of their sheltering roof , they seemed alive as anything that walked upon the earth . lost in contemplation of the massive shoulders that thrust their way from the rock , i did n't miss jamie until he called me . come here , will ye ? '' there was something odd about his voice , and i hurried toward him . he stood at the entrance of a small side-cave , looking down . they lay behind an outcrop of the rock , as though they had sought shelter from the wind that chased the bison . there were two of them , lying together on the packed earth of the cave floor . sealed in the dry air of the cave , the bones had endured , though flesh had long since dried to dust .	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all that barely restrained tension should 've intimidated me . because all that stuff kye had just told me about his mom ? pretty much explained the surliness . he was basically a guy who was hurting . who 'd spent a lifetime hurting by the sound of it . the corners of his mouth tilted , hinting at a smile . `` asshole , '' i muttered , surprised by my urge to shove him again . `` i 'm honest with you and you 're laughing at me ? '' to prove it , he actually grinned , a fully-fledged , power-packed grin that left me feeling winded . i shrugged and turned away , ready to admit defeat . i 'd wanted to step out of my comfort zone tonight , shake things up a little . but i was n't ready to sign on as some guy 's dumping ground . i 'd wanted to have fun tonight . to push my usual boundaries . to cut loose after a very long year of good grades and good wholesome fun . simply , i wanted to be bad . i halted mid-step . kye had spoken so softly i wondered if i 'd conjured up his monosyllabic plea . i bit back my first sarcastic response of 'who knew , the badass has manners ' when i glanced over my shoulder and saw his expression . mingled with fear and hope . the hope is what convinced me . if kye hoped i 'd hang around a little longer , i would . not because i was some bimbo who 'd do anything to break free of my rigid life . but because that expression on his face made me realize that the tough guy hid his vulnerabilities behind anger and a snide mouth . and i knew what it was like to hide behind a practiced front . this time , his genuine smile made something in my chest twist . maybe i should 've left after all . chapter 4 kye i had no idea why i asked the uptight princess to stay . i should 've let her stomp off in a snit after her shitfit . but there was something about the way she 'd stood up to me that had me intrigued . i 'd bet my left ball she was daddy 's little angel . she 'd virtually confirmed it when she 'd blurted all that stuff about her private life . so her tough girl act , when she 'd shoved me around , made me admire her . she had spirit . fire in the belly , as my mum used to say . but i could n't afford to think about mum now . not when mia stared at me with those all-seeing , all-knowing eyes . `` tell me why you want me to stay , '' she said , thrusting her chin up a little , daring me to drive her away again . considering she 'd semi-lifted me out of my black mood , not a chance . how long since i 'd hung out with anyone , let alone a girl ? after i 'd been booted out of the tennis academy in sydney for busting that bozo 's nose , i 'd spent a month at my dad 's mansion in double bay , on what he 'd labeled a good behavior bond . had n't been so bad , as my dad was on location shooting an action flick in darwin for three of those weeks . and that final week , he 'd made arrangements for me to come here . woop-de-fucking-do . `` would n't have asked if i did n't want an honest answer . '' i stepped forward , almost invading her personal space . `` i 've been in a pretty shitty place lately and you 've distracted me . '' `` so you want me to stick around and distract you some more . '' she pressed her palms to her heart . `` i also like that you 're a smart-arse . '' her lips curved into a sexy grin that made me want to step even closer . `` arrrrse , '' she said , and giggled . i found myself chuckling along with her . your only experience with australia comes from drooling over the hemsworth brothers . '' to my surprise , she blushed . `` i may have seen the hunger games five times . '' she held up both hands , fingers spread . `` and the avengers ten . `` means you 've got a thing for aussie guys . '' i bumped her with my shoulder . she wrinkled her nose , but her blush intensified , making me want to touch her cheeks to see if they felt as hot as they looked . `` you 'll be the exception to the rule . '' `` yet you 're here with me now instead of at that party ? '' our gazes locked for a long moment and i felt a jolt of something powerful . i could attribute it to hormones , considering i had n't got laid in six months , but the spark in her dark eyes made me want to do more than chat with her . she blinked and the moment vanished .	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he illegally piped a wood stove in there , and has an old milk jug i suspect doubles as a toilet in a pinch . sometimes he and mom have fights so intense he sleeps out there . just for one night , though . the man cave smells like male sweat , old spice , and onions . there 's a minor methane crisis in there . jeffrey says it smells like grandpa . `` dad only took him back there to be nice to you . he hated steve . '' once steve dumped me they allllll came out of the woodwork to tell me what an ass steve was , and dad led the charge . he was like pressure cooker . once you popped the seal on the lid , more steam than you knew existed came pouring out . enough to burn if you were n't careful . `` 'pearls after swine ' was the exact phrase he used all the time , '' she adds . `` he said that about you and todd , too . '' `` no , like , at your wedding . and when jeffrey was born . and then tyler , and- '' `` got it . do n't need my nose rubbed in it . '' silence hangs between us for a second . i look like a hybrid of mom and dad . carol , though , looks most like mom . lighter blonde hair , blue eyes , a round face with dimples , and plump cheeks that make her look perennially cheerful , even when she 's not smiling . she 's the oldest , and life has n't been easy these past few years . `` any luck with jobs ? '' she 's the one who got me into mystery shopping . back when i was hired on full-time she had a great full-time job . then tyler began having huge behavioral problems , todd dropped off the face of the earth , and she was laid off . mom and dad have helped . carol mystery shops with the kids when she can , and she 's living on unemployment and some vague government assistance i do n't quite understand . she has a degree , and loads of determination , but not a lot of time or hope . `` i have an interview with a call center . night shift . mom says she and dad can help with babysitting . '' defeat oozes in her voice . `` minimum wage ? '' more like a standard three-to-eleven shift . i 'd have to rely on mom and dad too much . `` they love jeffrey and tyler , '' i protest . it 's just ... you do n't have kids . her eyes shift down and she looks like a very serious , contemplative version of our mother . the dissonance is hard to reconcile . i do n't think i 've ever seen mom look ... reflective . i do want kids someday . watching carol struggle the way she has definitely made me extend `` someday '' by a few years , though . tyler and jeffrey are the best kids ever ( i 'm biased ) , but they have n't been easy to raise without help . `` and you 're dating a hot billionaire . '' i roll my eyes and she smirks . now she looks like mom again . hot billionaire chooses that moment to walk in , overhearing carol 's comment `` you 're dating another guy named hot billionaire ? '' his easy touch as he wraps an arm around my waist just adds to her embarrassment . i remember when she brought todd home , when i was thirteen , and i thought he was so hot . jealousy poured through me then , as todd would give her hugs and kisses and little love pats . that was love , i thought . back then , before todd turned out to be pond scum . declan 's not todd . carol turns bright pink . it looks like she poured a bottle of pepto-bismol all over her face . `` we thought you were in the man cave , grunting and eating roast meat off a stick , '' she says . `` we were , until the little boys found us , and now your dad is playing horsey with them and he sent me in here for a rescue team . '' carol laughs and takes the chance to escape . `` i 'll rescue him ! '' `` dinner 's soon ! declan , can you help set the table ? '' mom comes out of the kitchen , her hair so thoroughly sprayed and set in stone by some chemical that will likely be proven in ten years to cause cancer , but by god keeps her hair in place even as she cooks . he winks at me and walks toward mom . `` where 's the dining room ? '' mom leads him through the kitchen into the formal dining room , the sanctuary of good food and the room we use exactly three times a year : easter , thanksgiving , and christmas . when not in use for a holiday , the dining table doubles as a storage facility for junk mail , lego toys mom finds while vacuuming , and random light bulbs dad needs to remember to replace with leds but never does .	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sarcasm made her voice ugly and hard . something hot flared in his features and he shifted closer , crowding her with his big body . his voice was low and velvet soft . `` a few minutes , a few hours , a few days . shouted a feral voice inside lana , but she held her ground . `` so you admit that it would be manipulation . '' `` i 'd rather see you live by manipulation than die by honesty . besides , there 's not a whole lot of that between us , anyway . lana looked away from him , ashamed of al the lying she 'd been forced to do . you and i are tied together by the past . there 's no escaping that and no escaping me . '' `` unless i tel you whatever secret you think i 'm keeping . if i did that , you 'd be gone within the hour . '' he hesitated for a moment and some faint hint of indecision glided over his features . he slid a blunt finger along her cheekbone , down to her jaw , along the line of her throat . lana bit back a rough gasp of pleasure . his pupils expanded , making the golden chips in his eyes dilate . you think you know what i want . `` i know exactly why you 're here , '' she argued without much heat . `` yes , but you do n't know what i want . '' `` then tel me . '' he said nothing , just bent his head over her hair and puled in a deep breath . his body shuddered , and his arms tightened around her . `` i want to believe in second chances , lana . in miracles . '' she had no idea what he meant , but something desperate inside her wanted to give him whatever he wanted . second chances , miracles , secrets , the truth . it was at that moment that she realized just how close she was to breaking , to spiling out al the lies and secrets and half-truths she 'd been keeping inside . maybe he could keep her and her family safe . lana could n't take the risk-not with the people she loved . with an effort of wil that left her exhausted , lana puled herself away from caleb , both physicaly and emotionaly . she slipped away from him and crammed her expression into a hard mask . ca n't help you . there 's no such thing as miracles . or second chances . '' caleb woke fuly from a dead sleep in the space of a heartbeat . he kept his eyes shut , listening to his surroundings . something had woken him , and he strained his ears to figure out what it was . the sound came again , a slight sigh of shifting fabric , the faint squeak of lana 's bed frame . she was having another nightmare . caleb shoved up off the couch and went into her room without knocking . sure enough , she was thrashing on the bed , her body bowed into a tight arc , her skin glowing with sweat . he had to make this stop . he could n't leave her knowing that she 'd go through this alone every night . and eventualy , whether she remained silent or not , he 'd have to leave . there was no future for them , not with the past they shared . she 'd said herself there were no second chances . caleb lay down and puled her up against him , giving her soft , soothing words of comfort . he did n't know if she 'd taken sleeping pils again tonight , but he tried to wake her anyway . ragged sounds of pain gurgled in her throat , and caleb 's hold on her tightened to the point where he had to focus on relaxing so he would n't hurt her . come back to me , honey . '' she let out a stuttering sob and lashed out at him with her fists . caleb caught her hands and tucked them under the blankets so she would n't hurt herself . he rocked her and urged her to wake up , suffering right along with her . `` you 're safe , '' he told her . `` i wo n't let them hurt you again . '' he felt it when the nightmare released her , slowly , painfuly . her sobs deepened , and he felt the hot wetness of tears against his bare chest . he would have given anything right now to take her pain away , to free her of this torment . he would have given his honor , his career , his life , anything to make this stop . her struggles slowed and weakened until she was clinging to him , her body shaking with the aftereffects of the nightmare . caleb murmured soft words into her hair and rocked her in a steady motion until he felt her pul away . her eyes were red and shadowed with fatigue . they pleaded to him to help her , and caleb wanted to howl at the unfairness of her life . `` you 're okay now , '' he told her , hearing his rioting emotions thicken his voice . she wiped her eyes and sniffed .	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chapter 38 `` this situation gets more fked by the minute , '' sean said . they were in down and ready mode , plotting their plan of action , and it frustrated the hell out of donovan that they were so damn slow getting the information they desperately needed . even his computer geek skills were n't helping at the moment , but then this was n't a regular mission . he knew he did n't have his head on straight and he was shaking like a leaf as he went through the motions . nathan and joe 's team were on standby and waiting for the go command . donovan and his brothers , after ensuring that the family was well taken care of by steele and his team , were in load-and-go mode . but they could n't very well act without accurate intel . so far sean had been a far greater source of information . information they badly needed . they were in the war room , where their command center and enough technology to rival a government agency was set up and going through walt breckenridge 's entire life . his financials , residences , anything that would lead them to where he 'd go now that he had eve . `` breckenridge flew out an hour ago from camden on his learjet , which means he has one hell of a jump on us , even with us using the kgi jets . '' `` flight plans ? destination ? '' `` there 's more , '' sean said grimly , and donovan did not like what he saw in the deputy 's eyes . `` jesus , '' sam muttered `` i just got this in from henry county pd . i 'd put out the bolo on both eve and travis . travis hijacked a plane from henry county . we could beat him there if we hop one of the kelly jets ; however , here 's the interesting part . '' `` get the fk to it , '' donovan seethed . `` we 've wasted enough goddamn time as it is ! '' `` the pilot filed flight plans to oregon . '' donovan 's brow furrowed . god , but his head hurt like a son of a bitch . what the fk was in oregon ? unless ... `` he knows something we do n't , '' donovan said . `` one of walt 's hidey-holes . walt may have filed flight plans for california , but he would have known we 'd trace that . ten to one says the fker is going to oregon and that travis knows or at least has a damn good idea of where he 'll go now that he has eve . '' `` do you know where in oregon ? '' `` or are we flying blind here ? '' all i know is they were flying to wasco , oregon . there are several small airstrips and we do n't know which one , not to mention we ca n't fly a jet the size of the kelly jet into one of them . it 's not far out of portland . you can get there , but from there you 'd have to do the legwork , split up and cover as much territory as possible . '' `` our best bet is to get in the air and figure out where the fk breckenridge has a place there , '' donovan bit out . `` we 're wasting time , time that eve does n't have , by sitting here with our thumbs up our asses speculating . we 'll do our search in the air . and goddamn it , i 'm going to have to call in a favor to resnick . i need a full background on breckenridge . resnick has better access to information than we do . '' `` i agree , '' sam said firmly . `` let 's get the fk out of here . nathan , you flying ? '' nathan shot him a look that suggested it was a dumbass question . `` then let 's get the fk in the air , '' donovan said . `` we 'll figure it out on the fly . the longer eve is in that bastard 's hands , the worse she 'll be . i can only pray the son of a bitch has n't hurt-or killed-her before we get to her . '' `` put it away , man , '' ethan said quietly . `` it does n't do you or her any good to torture yourself with the possibilities . focus on getting her back where she belongs . if you start entertaining worst-case scenarios , you 'll lose your sanity , and what she needs is for you to have a clear , level head . eve needs you . now pull it together and let 's get the fk in the air . '' `` there 's one more thing you should know , '' sean added quietly . `` one of frank 's guns is missing from his gun case . travis must have taken it and used it to hijack the plane .	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`` they 're great friends . '' `` i noticed , and that 's a great place to start a relationship . '' `` if you 're going to tell me jody 's still in love with jeff , i 'll agree with you . good grief , i never dreamed this assignment would be so difficult . i do everything gabriel wants and then he sends me hightailing it back to earth , claiming trouble 's afoot . but he wo n't tell me where . '' `` it 's obvious , '' goodness said . `` glen does n't love her either . '' `` now , i sincerely doubt that . glen 's crazy about jody . '' `` it 's the little boy , '' goodness said gently . `` glen 's impatient for a family , and jody has one ready-made for him . '' shirley might have been new at this business , but she did n't doubt glen 's honorable intentions for an instant . `` why do n't we check him out and see for ourselves , '' goodness suggested . `` i 'll help you and then maybe you can help me . i 'm having troubles of my own . '' they left timmy 's house and had no problem locating glen 's . `` he told her he was working on a brief , '' shirley explained . glen was sitting at his desk , a pen poised in his hands , but he seemed to be having trouble . they watched for several moments while he did nothing more than stare into space . goodness whispered . he seems to be thinking . '' `` does n't he know that will only get him into trouble ? '' look , he 's opening a drawer . '' glen 's shoulders heaved with a deep sigh as he removed a photograph from the bottom drawer . goodness and shirley looked over his shoulder . the photograph was that of a beautiful young woman with long black hair that cascaded over her shoulders . `` there 's your trouble , '' goodness whispered . `` glen 's in love with another woman . '' chapter 17 this was n't going to be easy . monica had carefully steeled herself for the coming confrontation with chet . she stood outside his office door , her heart pounding hard and fast . fervently she prayed she was doing the right thing . all she knew was that she could n't leave matters between them the way they were . she could hear movement and knew chet was there . she drew in a deep breath , knocked , turned the door handle , and stepped inside . chet was standing in front of his file cabinet , tossing one file after the other into a large cardboard container . boxes were piled high on every bit of available space . his desk was clear , and the infamous calendar was down . `` i wo n't be taking on any new- '' he stopped abruptly when he saw it was monica . for one all-too-brief moment tenderness flashed in his eyes , but that was quickly replaced with practiced hardness . his gaze became sharp and dangerous like that of a cornered animal that was prepared to lash out in order to protect itself . `` my father wanted me to apologize , '' she began haltingly . `` he never intended to offend you . '' `` you 've apologized , now go . '' what gave her to courage to stay , monica would never know . he did n't answer , but continued working at a furious pace , lifting several thick folders at a time , carelessly tossing them into the box . she asked , trying a different vein . monica , '' her name was little more than a frustrated sigh , `` please , just go . do n't make this any more difficult than it already is . '' `` all right , '' she agreed and he visibly relaxed at her words . `` if you answer one question . '' `` it 's over , '' he said with sharp impatience . `` leave it at that . '' monica had honestly tried to accept that he wanted her out of his life . but no matter how hard she struggled to find acceptance none would come . `` i 'm not going to debate the issue with you . '' `` just tell me why you do n't want my love , '' she said forcefully . `` tell me what it is about me- '' `` it has nothing to do with you . the problem is mine . '' despite her efforts to the contrary , her voice cracked with the strain of emotion . chet moved as if he were in pain , slowly and with difficulty . his back was to her as he stared out the window . monica stayed where she was by the door , trembling and hating herself for subjecting them to this torment a second time . the room seemed to spark with tension . `` i know you love me , '' she whispered . `` you ca n't make me believe you do n't . there has to be something more . '' `` i 'm not good enough for you , '' he shouted . `` now for the love of god get out of here . 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grace fell behind them , slowing her steps until they were well ahead of her . they were chatting , laughing , paying her no mind . calmly she changed direction , looking around with interest . the inner ward was neat and busy , people going about the daily business involved in running a castle . to the left were the stables and barracks , to the right a training ground where a number of men , stripped to the waist , practiced their swordplay . she could see a well-shaped head with long black hair , towering over all the others , and quickly she looked away as if he might feel her gaze . black niall was there , so she wanted to go in a different direction . now that she was inside she could see that in addition to the four tall towers which stood at each comer , there were two smaller inner towers , one on each end of the center great hall . the entire thing was huge ; she could n't begin to guess how many rooms the castle contained . she walked into the great hall , and a wave of dizziness swept over her . the hall was just as she had seen it in her dreams . she knew where niall sat , and exactly where the kitchens were . the smell of roasting meat filled the air , and she wondered if her dizziness was caused by hunger . men and women alike were looking at her strangely , and she ducked her head , walking quickly toward the kitchens . perhaps she could beg a piece of bread ; if not , perhaps she could steal it . she had already stolen a horse , so why worry about bread ? she doubted either was as serious a sin as the rash of head bashing in which she had recently indulged . her appearance in the kitchen went unnoticed for a few moments , largely because there were so many people bustling about , chopping and stirring and pounding . a young boy slowly cranked a spit on which turned what looked like an entire pig . fat dripped sizzling into the fire , sending out a wonderful smell to mingle with the yeasty scent of baking bread . finally a buxom woman spotted her , and snapped out a question in gaelic . `` i 've come a very long way , '' grace said . `` i 've had no food for over two days- '' `` sassenach ! '' the cook spat in disgust , and made a shooing motion with the cloth tied around her waist . evidently being thought an englishwoman was more to her discredit than being dressed like a whore . grace shook her head and said , `` french . '' then she abruptly turned white as another wave of dizziness hit her , and she swayed , reaching out to the wall to support herself . the dizziness was all too real . gasping , grace bent over from the waist , trying not to faint . the need for food was becoming more pressing by the minute . perhaps it was the reassurance that she was n't english , but supporting arms were suddenly around her , leading her to a bench . the buxom woman pressed a piece of bread into her shaking hand , and poured ale into a shallow bowl for her to drink . slowly grace chewed on the bread , which was of much better quality than that she 'd had at the hay keep . she did n't dare take more than a few sips of the ale , not after being so long without food . the work went on around her , though the buxom woman kept looking in her direction , perhaps assessing the return of color to her face . after a bit , when the bread stayed down , another piece was placed before her , along with some cheese and a few slivers of cold pork . feeling stronger now , grace ate as greedily as good manners allowed , and drank more ale . the cook clucked her tongue approvingly and put even more meat and bread in front of her . `` ye 're scarce as thick as a strae , lass . ha ' a bit more . ye 'll need yer strength tonight . '' grace tried , but she was full . after a few more bites she sighed , replete , and smiled at the woman . i was very hungry . '' go on wi ' ye , now . '' charity served , the woman made shooing motions with her cloth again , and grace went . her first priority now was to find a secure hiding place , at least until she decided what to do . when everyone 's attention seemed to be elsewhere , she dodged into a curtained alcove and gingerly sat down on the floor , prepared to wait . she leaned her head back against the cold stone wall . coming back had seemed reasonable when she was still in her own time , but in the three days since her arrival she had accomplished exactly nothing toward her goal . what had seemed fairly simple find the treasure and return to her own time had taken on gargantuan proportions . now that she had seen the size of the castle , she knew it would take days , weeks , to search it thoroughly . she certainly could n't stay hidden the entire time .	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`` tru ... where is she ? '' the doctor puts his hands together in front of him , in an almost prayerlike manner , pointing them in my direction . i want to knock his fking hands away . `` trudy is still in surgery . '' he sounds like josh did-businesslike . `` she sustained a very severe head injury ... '' there are those words again . but he said `` very . '' josh never said `` very . '' very is worse . `` ... excessive bleeding within the skull ... pressure on her brain ... swelling ... baby ... delivery ... '' baby . i meet the doctor 's eyes . there 's my voice again , but it still does n't sound like me . dr. kimble shifts on his feet . `` we had to make a decision , mr. wethers . the baby was in severe distress . its heart rate was dropping exponentially . we had no other choice but to perform an emergency caesarean section . '' i grip my hand to my chest , digging my fingers into my sternum , trying to relieve the agonising , burning pain inside of me . `` but she was only twenty-nine weeks ... '' i ca n't breathe . he nods , slowly . `` he 's having a little difficulty breathing on his own because of respiratory distress syndrome , which is very common in premature babies , but we 're helping him with that , and he 's responding well . '' `` yes , you have a son . '' we have a son , and tru does n't know . i need to see her , to tell her . `` they 'll be moving him to the nicu shortly . '' `` and tru ... will she ... is she ... ? '' he wraps his arms over his chest . `` she 's with some of the best surgeons in the world right now , and they 're doing everything they can for her . '' `` is she '' -i take a staggered breath- '' is she going to ... make it ? '' i see the look in his eyes , the one he thinks he 's hiding , but i see it clearly . `` the doctors are doing everything they can to help her pull through , mr . and this is the exact moment that my worst fear is realised . i could lose tru , with no way back to her . lose her . i press my fist into my forehead . `` you do n't think she 's going to make it . '' he shifts again , not meeting my eyes . `` it 's too early to make an appropriate diagnosis of- '' `` do n't fob me off ! just tell me the fuckin ' truth ! `` jake ... '' tom 's hand touches my shoulder , but i shrug him off . my chest is heaving , fear driving everything inside me . i stare into the doctor 's face , searching . i have to know if i 'm going to lose everything . lose the only person who has ever mattered to me . and right now , he is the only one who can tell me . he exhales , his voice softening . `` right now , trudy 's chances of survival are fifty-fifty at best . when she wakes from the surgery ... '' he catches himself , and his expression communicates compassion . `` if and when she wakes ... '' if . `` we have no idea as to the extent of the damage to her brain . '' `` no ... '' i do n't remember falling . i just know i 'm on the floor . tom 's holding me . there are more people here . crippling silence . i 'm still on the floor , but i 'm now leant up against the wall . tom and stuart are beside me . i hear the door open again . i lift my gritty eyes , and i see josh slip out into the hall to talk to a woman in a white coat . more fking white . i close my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall . `` jake ... '' stuart 's voice forces my eyes open . `` we need to call tru 's mom and dad . they need to know what 's happened . the press will get wind of tru 's accident soon , if not already , and they ca n't find out from the press . '' billy and eva . `` i do n't think i can ... '' `` i 'll call them . i 'll get them on the first flight out here . '' he touches my arm briefly , then stands . `` do you want me to call your mom too ? '' do i want her here ? `` i 'm gon na get a drink . '' smith stands . `` jake , do you want me to get you anything ? '' `` a black coffee . '' the door bangs shut as stuart and smith leave . then it 's just me and tom . more crippling f**king silence . `` what if she dies ? '' tom turns his head and looks me in the eye .	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he whistled sharply through his teeth , and rollo , who had been nosing suspiciously under a rock shelf , left off and bounded after his master . jamie watched them go , a slight frown between his eyebrows . `` d 'ye ken where ian 's spending his nights , sassenach ? '' `` if you mean in which longhouse , yes . if you mean in whose bed , no . i could guess , though . '' he stretched and shook his hair back . `` come on , sassenach , i 'll see ye back to the village . '' ian 's ceilidh got underway soon after dark ; the invited guests included the most prominent members of the council , who came one at a time to tewaktenyonh 's longhouse , paying their respects to the sachem , two spears , who sat at the main hearth with jamie and ian flanking him . a slight , pretty girl , who i assumed must be ian 's emily , sat quietly behind him , on the keg of whisky . with the exception of emily , women were not involved in the whisky-tasting . i had come along , though , to watch , and sat at one of the smaller hearths , keeping an eye on the proceedings while helping two of the women to braid onions , exchanging occasional politenesses in a halting mixture of tuscarora , english , and french . the woman at whose hearth i sat offered me a gourd of spruce beer and some kind of cornmeal mush as refreshment . i did my best to accept with cordiality , but my stomach was knotted too tightly to make more than a token attempt at eating . too much depended on this impromptu party . roger was here ; somewhere in the village , i knew it . he was alive ; i could only hope he was well-well enough to travel , at least . i glanced at the far end of the longhouse , at the largest hearth . i could see no more of tewaktenyonh than the curve of a white-streaked head ; a queer jolt went through me at the sight , and i touched the small lump of nayawenne 's amulet , where it hung beneath my shirt . once the guests were assembled , a rough circle was formed around the hearth , and the opened keg of whisky brought into the center of it . to my surprise , the girl also came into the circle , and took a place beside the keg , a dipping gourd in her hand . after some words from two spears , the festivities commenced , with the girl measuring out portions of the whisky . she did this not by pouring the whisky into the cups , but by taking mouthfuls from the gourd , carefully spitting three mouthfuls into each cup before passing it to one of the men in the circle . i glanced at jamie , who looked momentarily taken aback , but who politely accepted his cup and drank without hesitation . i rather wondered just how much whisky the girl was absorbing through the lining of her mouth . not nearly as much as the men , though i thought it might take quite a bit to lubricate two spears , who was a taciturn old bastard with a face like a dyspeptic prune . before the party had got well underway , though , i was distracted by the arrival of a young boy , the offspring of one of my companions . he came in silently and sat down by his mother , leaning heavily against her . she looked sharply at him , then set down her onions and rose with an exclamation of concern . the firelight fell on the boy , and i could see at once the peculiar hunched way he sat . i rose hastily to my knees , pushing aside the basket of onions . i knelt forward and took him by the other arm , turning him toward me . his left shoulder had been slightly dislocated ; he was sweating , his lips pressed tightly together in pain . i gestured to his mother , who hesitated , frowning at me . the boy made a small , whimpering noise , and she pulled him away , holding him tight . with sudden inspiration , i pulled nayawenne 's amulet from my shirt ; she would n't know whose it was but might recognize what it was . she did ; her eyes widened at the sight of the tiny leather bag . the boy made no more noise , but i could see the sweat run down his hairless chest , clear in the firelight . i fumbled at the thong that held the pouch shut , digging inside for the rough blue stone . pierre sans peur , gabrielle had called it . the fearless stone . i took the boy 's good hand and pressed the stone firmly into his palm , folding his fingers around it . `` je suis une sorciere , '' i said softly . `` c'est medecine , la . '' trust me , i thought .	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her tears showed that she was obviously deeply affected by the loss of whoever lay there , but yet she smiled through them for the better part of the time she sat there and talked . at last , she picked up her cup and seemed to finish it , pulled herself up off the ground and blew a kiss at each of the grave markers . then i watched as she left the way she had come . robyn every year since my parents died i did what id always done on christmas eve i shared a hot chocolate with them and told them what was going on in my life . this year i told them about my new job and the fact that id already been promoted to an executive position ; i was really proud of that and i knew they would be too . thinking about how proud of me they would be was what got me through college with a 4.0 gpa even after theyd passed away . i learned to work hard by watching them and by basking in the encouraging words they always had for me . my hard work was paying off for me now and i had my parents to thank for that and i liked to come to the cemetery and tell them so . my mother was a housewife and mother , but she excelled at it . so much so that it made me really upset when id hear anyone say , im just a housewife or she doesnt work . my mother worked from sun-up to sundown making our home warm and happy . i rarely saw her sit down unless we were having family time . i had an amazing childhood and her efforts were a huge part of that . i also learned from her that hard work didnt always produce immediate results , but it was the long term payoff that really counted . the other part of my amazing childhood was my daddy . he wasnt home a lot during the week because he worked so hard to provide for us . but when he was home , he was there a hundred percent . he sat down every evening and talked to me about my day . sometimes , if he thought i might find it interesting , he would tell me about his . then at night after i went to bed i would hear him talk to my mother about hers . on the weekends we all shared our meals and did something as a family usually on saturday and then on sunday we went to church together and wed all cook dinner as a family . it was picture perfect and the only truly bad thing that ever happened to me was a plane crash when i was nineteen years old that took my parents from me . it took me a year of grieving before i realized something : the crash had only taken their bodies from me . i still had their spirits . although i missed seeing them , i could feel them in my own heart in my very soul most of the time . after i told them about my job this christmas eve , i told them about aaron . i suppose that hes not mine to tell about , but somehow hed made his way into my heart and i cant seem to let him go . i told them how handsome he was , and how smart and when he wasnt trying so hard to be serious , how much fun he can be . he hurt me , the night of the party when he walked away , but i still cant let my hopes for him go . i told them that too . i had a feeling they would be proud of that . they trusted my judgment when they were here , im sure that they still do . aaron may not have kissed me that night , but i can feel how he feels about me . i might be thought crazy by some to tolerate that behavior and still have feelings for him and hope to cultivate more . but like i told max , i think something happened to him around christmas time and now hes just afraid . i think all he needs is a little help to get past that . he needs someone that he can trust and depend on to teach him that there is so much more to life than a boardroom . when i left the cemetery that day , i dropped off one of my santa gifts . i still did the santa thing , in memory of my dad . this one was the last one on my list . i went home then and finished wrapping a few more gifts that i would give to my friends on boxing day . after i finished wrapping up my gifts , my cat , mr. pibbs and i had our dinner and then i put on pajamas and sat down to watch television for a while . i was knitting some hats and scarves for my friends to go with the gifts id bought them . i was also making a little hat and booties for johns babies . they were so cute i couldnt wait to see them in them . i worked on them while i watched christmas movies . i was thinking about going to bed around nine when i saw that its a wonderful life was coming on . it was a movie that my parents and i watched together on christmas eve every year when i was growing up . i think i was the only little girl in my second grade class who had a clue who james stewart and donna reed were . instead of going to bed , i made cookies while i waited for the movie to come on .	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`` little role reversal ? '' she sighed and pulled her little sister back to her . victoria wrapped her arms around . she pulled back and gave a wave to kace . jessica linked fingers with him when he nodded . she gave a tired wave to the others as they left and pulled kace over to finn . `` you did n't cause this , '' she said directly to finn . he slumped in his chair and seemed more drained than she had ever seen him . `` like hell i did n't , '' he said . jessica crossed her arms and stared down at him . `` we all knew the risk working for you , '' she said . finn 's eyes shot up . `` but the truth is , you pay well . you pay on time , and you are n't a dick . '' `` maybe not to some people , '' he mumbled . jessica threw her hands in the air . it 's not like you did n't have reasons . '' she leaned forward and placed a firm hand on his shoulder . `` you are a good man for the most part , '' she said . `` you are going the right direction and should n't let anyone else tell you different . '' jessica sat up and nodded . regardless , she had said her piece . she put her hand back in kace 's and stepped back . `` call if there 's a change , '' kace said . she followed him through the door and down a series of halls before reaching the outside . jessica was glad to have the cool air hit her face . `` well this has been quite the night , '' she said as they walked to his car . kace nodded and continued in silence . her stomach flipped as she thought of all the reasons he might not be talking . she hoped he was just tired , but with all the things going on , maybe he just needed more time to process things . or just her . after all , things we pretty much finished for now with the club . sure , finn had unfinished business with ennis , but it did n't seem like the club would be much a target for the russians without him . she climbed in and sat quietly until he started the car . `` if you want to take me to my house , i 'll understand , '' she said quietly . kace whipped around to her . she pulled at the buttons on her top . `` it was a long day . things are wrapping up . maybe you need more time . '' `` the only thing i need more time on is how much i can spend with you , '' he said . maybe i should leave the force . '' jessica gasped and turned to face him . `` but i thought that was you dream . what about paul ? '' `` it was my dream until things got all crazy . now i ca n't tell what my dream is , but i know it 's with you . and i think paul would approve of that . '' jessica beamed . she wanted to talk , but the words got stuck in the back of her throat . she pulled him to her and kissed him hard . `` let 's go home , '' he whispered back . she smiled and pulled back . that sounded so loving and normal . chapter twenty `` i 'm sorry , ma'am , '' the prison guard said as he led her through the prison halls . she marveled at how it had only been a week ago she had been to see her father , and now she was having to id him . a chill crept through her as she walked . maybe it had n't been such a great idea for her to go alone , but kace was off turning over his badge . she had wondered if it would be hard for him to switch to working for reed , but the reception had been more than welcoming . he had been even more excited when reed offered her an office position . it would involve sorting through all the paperwork . she cringed , but with the classes he was offering to pay for , it was an amazing deal . not taking the job just be stupid . it was really a matter of finding her replacement at the club . `` he just right in here , '' the guard said , startling her out of her thoughts . `` now try not to look too long . he was mangled pretty bad when the explosion went off in the laundry room . '' jessica took a deep breath and swallowed . this was going to be harder than she expected . the room smelled of chemicals and made her gag . she was certain that when she left the room , her clothes would be saturated with the smell . `` he 's right here , '' the guard said and walked back to the door . she quickly flipped the cover off his face and back again . the heat from the explosion had burned most of his face . red open skin ate up most of his natural color . she took a breath and focused on his arm . she jumped when it slid down his body and hung limply at his side .	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through time the feelings of love she 'd had for tim diminished , along with the ill feelings toward him . freedom did follow forgiveness . the problem that she struggled with , that hung around her neck like a noose , was being terrified of falling in love again . how would she know if her next love truly meant what he said , or what if she was wrong again about whom she thought the lord made for her ? heading down that road again overwhelmed her enough that she decided not to let her heart even go there . she willed herself back to the present , grateful that the flashbacks were no longer as painful as they 'd once been . ava headed to the bathroom to get ready for the wedding . the weatherman had been correct on the beauty of the day . the sun shined with a warm temperature , uncommon for april in northern illinois . she chose a black strapless dress that fitted tightly and came down to the top of her knees . she put on black stilettos and her makeup a bit darker than usual . it was fun to dress up . she decided not to put on a necklace.less is more was her motto . she did n't want to look cluttered , just elegant . she grabbed her shawl , purse , and the wedding present and walked out the door , ready to try this wedding business again . traffic in the city was insanely busy but sported less crazy drivers than usual . ava only feared for her life once . the city of rockford was split down the middle by the rock river , with a west side and an east side . the main downtown area was dotted with businesses , government buildings , and restaurants . as the city trickled out , it became more populated with houses than businesses . if you kept going you would eventually run into miles and miles of farmland . ava 's apartment sat on the east side near downtown . her school was also on the east side , but out of the city , smooshed among neighborhoods . rockford did n't have a history as an exciting city or drenched in historic events , but it was home . she enjoyed the river and all the events and activities that took place around it . at the end of each summer rockford hosted a music festival called `` on the waterfront . '' it drew in many tourists and music fans . ava usually stayed at her parents ' house that weekend to avoid the enormous crowd . sometimes she and her friends would go to the festival and listen to the bands play and walk the streets that were blocked off for the big event . the city took pride in making it an annual success . ava arrived at the church right before the ceremony started . once the wedding party made its way down the aisle , the doors closed after them and the music changed to the wedding march . the doors reopened and there stood kate . ava looked over at kyle . she could n't help but wonder what it would feel like to walk through those doors and see the love of her life look that excited to see her , to want to make her his wife . she pushed the tears back . this day was n't about her . once pronounced husband and wife , everyone clapped as they headed down the aisle arm in arm . the pastor announced that the couple would greet everyone at the reception and to stay seated until the ushers dismissed them . ava walked out to her car , relieved . she 'd made it through the ceremony without any panic attacks and even looked forward to the reception . the reception building overlooked the river . the open room had circular tables everywhere . the tables were covered in a purple cloth and seated eight guests each . the front of the room displayed a long table for the wedding party , a dance floor in front , with the dj off to the side . along the back of the room , a wall full of windows exposed the river below . the seating chart assigned ava to table 10 . she found her name tag and smiled across the table at a couple she did n't know . she sat for a short time observing more of the room and the guests that entered until she grew curious about whom her fellow table mates would be . the name to her left was a colleague from school . she gasped out loud when she read the name at her right : matthew thompson . matt came to a halt in front of table 10 . someone ran into him from behind because of his sudden stop . he quickly apologized , but still did n't move forward . he enjoyed watching her from a distance . matt could only see her from the side , but that was the face he 'd been unable to get out of his mind all week . not believing the opportunity that had just fallen into his lap , he approached hopeful . they both laughed while she pointed to his seat . `` this is such a good surprise . '' he took his seat beside her . `` do you know kyle or kate ? '' `` kate and i work together . we grew up together at the same church . we attend different churches now , but we still keep in touch . '' `` so where do you attend church now ? 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