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Need help | Hi I don't really know how to phrase this situation but I'll try. My life is at a really good point right now, I'm never really depressed over stuff and 99 percent of the time my mind is clear. I'm about to graduate high school and I'm really excited. However, people in my family and friend group have tons of issues. Wether they sleep all day, hate themselves, or have no ambition to keep living on in this world, they've got problems. I don't wanna sound like I'm gloating, but usually I'm the person that a lot of these people end up going to because usually I'm able to talk people through issues and help them in the long run. Yeah sometimes their issues make me really sad and stuff because who doesn't feel sad when people are telling you they feel worthless.
But today one of my best friends showed me that he was cutting and it really effected me. I talked to him about it and it's mostly because of how painfully "bored" he is and he doesn't even know why he's doing it (he's a pretty logical guy). He will go to class and just sit there for and hour most of the time doing nothing challenging because that's the way our school works. He has clinically diagnosed depression, has been to a psychiatric ward, and sees a therapist regularly. It's only been a couple hours since he showed me his arm, and I didn't even see all of it.
I've got two main problems right now. First I don't really know how to help him. He said literally the only thing I can really do is just hang out with him after school and on the weekends so he doesn't just sit in bed all day. I've been trying to make an effort to do that as much as I can but I need to do more. He said himself that as long as he goes to highschool, and considering it's the law, he's going to feel this way until we graduate. I just need to know something I can do to help him, do I tell his parents? A therapist won't help he already goes to one. Should I talk to him more about it tomorrow. I just don't know
Second, stuff like this is really effecting me. I just feel that the world is being unfair to everyone I care about and I just want everyone I love to feel better. As of lately I've been feeling depressed whenever my friends need to talk about issues and it's really weighing down on me. I just don't want to leave the people I care about down in the dirt.
So yeah if anyone has any advice whatsoever please help me. Im normally able to deal with these feelings and help my friends but right now I'm struggling. Thank you ❤️ | 0 | depression |
feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless | i have been so depressed these past couple weeks ever since i got back from vacation normal life and reality has hit me and its terrible. im 19 i havent moved out yet i dont really have a sufficient job i have one but its not enough money for me to support myself. at least i have a car and im taking online classes so. i feel stuck in this stupid fucking town. empty and alone man i just want someone to love me dude but im ugly and fat and worthless and no one is ever going to see im worth the chance. its just one thing after another to worry about. why not end it now before i really fuck up and become miserable? i dont see the point in going on im just really down right now i dont know what to do )): all there is darkness idk how to get out of this hole i hate myself i hate my body i hate my life i dont think it will ever get better | 1 | suicidal |
Nothing matters anymore, getting worse | Hi..I don't know where else to go. I am devastated right now, feeling like I'm spiraling out of control, I feel so fucking numb from crying my lungs out. Even my best friend is no longer supportive, my family, parents at home are shit. I have no real friends who care, and I can't be bothered to do anything right now, I just want to sleep without waking up to see another morning. I feel so fucking pathetic and shit, I cut myself regularly now and I'm having so much fucking self pity, I'm pretending to be normal because I don't want to lose my best friend, the only person who has helped me come this far from previous suicidal attempts. But suppressing it makes it so much fucking worse I feel like nobody fucking cares, no matter how many times I shout for help. No one close to me cares. I don't know what to do. I'm leaning towards paracetamol poisoning all over again, if I die I die, If I don't I try a different method. I just feel like absolute shit, jobless. I regret everything in my life, every fucking thing, I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't even have a fucking shoulder to lean on while crying my lungs out. Im in a LDR, from past 6 months, (not prior to that) as she's studying overseas, I can't even fucking have her hold me in her arms when I'm feeling like shit. She is the best and supportive, and my best friend but I can't hurt her by harming myself so It's a fucking struggle. I just feel so enraged and angry at everything..I can't fucking find a job due to covid-19. Sometimes it feels like If I had some money to get myself kicked off I can go near her and find a job and at least stay sane. But right now it all seems so fucking impossible I feel like I'm such a fucking mess and I just wish to fucking die right now, I feel so much burden when I inhale, I just want to die. I got no where else to go. I am planning on consuming meds tonight I just can't do it anymore. | 0 | depression |
Who’s tired of hearing bullshit | The shit like “it will get better, everyone is here for a purpose you just need to find yours.” Or “it will get better just wait, one day you’ll be glad you didn’t kill your self.” And of course the suicide is a permanent solution blah blah blah fuck shit. Even better, for people with religion say , “just pray”
Suicidal people are tired of hearing the same generic shit. That’s why we don’t open up. | 1 | suicidal |
I wish I was someone else. | I wish I was prettier. I wish I didn’t feel like a burden, I wish I wasn’t so broken. I wish I was more charismatic and not weird around strangers and I wish I wasn’t so nice. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m a loser with a pathetic, boring life. I wish I wasn’t so hard to make friends with and I just wish I was different. | 0 | depression |
Someone to talk to before suicide | This is a weird question, but is there someplace I can call and talk to someone before I go? I don't want to be talked out of it. I just want one last, good conversation. | 1 | suicidal |
I’m probably going to die single and alone and i guess thats okay | I’m just venting into the void because I feel bad for constantly annoying my friends but I has an epiphany 20 minutes ago that like...yeah I’m absolutely going to die single and unloved. I have friends and family but literally no one wants me romantically. All I attract are toxic folks that just suck the energy out of me. I just had to cut things off with this guy I was really into because I realized he just used me and didn’t care about me but now I’m like maybe I should just stick with him but at least I can pretend he cares about me. Or at least wants to fuck me. That’s probably the best I can get.
I’m never going to have a healthy romantic relationship and I’m gonna learn to accept that but for tonight...I cry.
I’m just too ugly. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not thin enough. My ass isn’t fat enough. Waist aint small enough. Not smart enough.
But hey in a few years I’ll have a kid on my own and I’ll pour all the love I never had into the lil human so they don’t end up like me. Broken and unlovable.
I’m spiraling. | 0 | depression |
I’m so exhausted and scared | Hey guys. Last week, i went through the roughest day that ocd has ever thrown at me, which pushed me to finally tell my mom that I was going through severe anxiety (OCD) and I didn’t know what to do anymore.
I can’t walk down the street without worrying about whether or not I knocked someone over without realizing it, or bumped someone into the road without realizing it, or worrying about a rabid animal biting me without realizing it and dying from rabies, or worrying about stepping on a needle infected with HIV, or worrying about a homeless person infecting me with HIV/something worse without me realizing it.
I can’t drive without worrying about whether I hit a pedestrian without realizing it on that right turn, or that left turn, or if that green light was really green or did I just run a red light and run over a pedestrian crossing without realizing it?
I can’t get near moving water without worrying about the brain eating amoeba. If I get splashed in the face, Ill freak out internally for the rest of the day. I can’t eat food without worrying about it being poisoned or worrying about tapeworms.
I can’t have a basic conversation without worrying about whether something I say will come back to haunt me
I KNOW these things are stupid and will probably never happen, but my brain keeps on throwing me the “what if?” and I won’t be able to move on. I’ll even get physically affected by my anxiety- my eyes will burn and it will get harder to breathe
Anyway, my mom set up an appointment for a psychiatrist (I’m 18 and I’m still not smart enough/have enough money to set one up myself, I feel worthless already, pls don’t remind me) and I went there today.
The guy seemed like a good guy and everything, and made me sign paperwork as I was talking to him and everything, and everything was cool. On the way out, my mom asked the guy how much the bill would be, and he said it would be around 300 dollars for the first visit and around 150 for every visit after that.
I’ve been so upset ever since. I feel so bad. I told my mom I didn’t feel good going to a psychiatrist if it would be that expensive, but she’s super super supportive and insists on me getting help (she goes through anxiety too, to a lesser extent).
Then, my brain got the idea that what if the papers the guy made me sign was really a contract that would come back to haunt me later (ex-what if I signed away part of my future income,etc.) it sounds so stupid and it is. My brain just sees everything as a threat and is stuck in a perpetual fight or flight mode
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I feel Iike for the past eight months I’ve just been a drain on my parents and everyone around me. All I am is a burden that can’t even make myself happy. I feel like if I don’t go to anymore appointments with this psychiatrist, I’ll have thrown away 300 bucks of my mom’s money for no reason, but if I do go to another appointment with him, I’ll cost her 150 a pop. I feel like I’m taking advantage of people and I feel like I’m too stupid to get my act together. I just want to be able to be happy again and have peace of mind. I’ve watched myself literally go nuts and I don’t know what to do anymore. To add to it, this is all in my head. I can’t even tell reality from obsession anymore. This whole battle that I’ve fought for the last eight months is all in my head. I’m not doing anything productive by fighting OCD. I’m just wasting my time and I feel like ocd is just my excuse for being worthless. I just feel so hopeless and guilty. | 0 | depression |
My suicide note | I don’t know when I will pass. I don’t know how many people will know or care. I only want this to say to my parents and siblings and all relatives: I’m sorry. I’m greatly sorry. I will miss you all. But, I cannot continue the journey.
I wasn’t blessed with looks, brains, talents, or really anything. My passions fizzle out and every ounce of optimism is but a coping tool for misery. I cannot continue down this road. All of those who pass me by, I know I wasn’t worth your time, but just know how blessed you are. With looks, brains, talents.
Deep down maybe it is just a series of self inflicted devilish mistakes in manipulation and childhood traumas of sexual and psychological abuse. I blame myself wholeheartedly for all my actions and I blame myself for the actions made against me. I am a wretch. I am terrible.
The only thing I can die with is hoping to meet a loving God. Or perhaps that I was a lonely god. One who created a world from loneliness. One who dreamt it all up. But, with all the suffering and pain and lost desires, God may have forsaken me. And if this is just a Dream then i made one terrible dream.
I don’t really want to die. But I need to. It’s time I must be going. Mom, everytime you see anything that reminds you of me. Know that I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.
With love,
Another | 1 | suicidal |
I'm scared | Been fighting with depression for a couple of years now and it has been an uphill battle. Just talked to my doctor yesterday and got diagnosed with bipolar on top of my PTSD from the military. I'm so scared and feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm afraid of reaching out to friends out of fear of them leaving me. I only have my brother and I'm scared of how he's going to react since our mother had bipolar as well and ended up committing suicide when I was 15 and he was 18. I just want to be normal and be able to talk about this with someone. Anyone that knows what I'm going through or would like to reach out is appreciated. | 0 | depression |
I’m so fucked | I don’t talk to any of my friends I leave them on read for months, makes me feel like absolute dog shit. I’ve failed multiple classes and this semester I only have 6 credit hours, still well on the way to failing. I can’t get out of bed much less actually do class work. I’m probably gonna end up dropping out of college I don’t know what I would do after, I really wish something would just kill me. I’m surrounded by so many caring people but I just push them all away, soon I’ll end up alone and that’s what I deserve. I’ve tried so fucking hard to get better it doesn’t do anything. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I’ve had such a perfect life anyone else in my shoes would be so successful and happy then there’s me just rotting away in my bed for literally no god damn reason. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. | 0 | depression |
Please just read | I have no one to talk to. I am 30 years old. I had a girlfrend. We were together for 8 years. We were talking about getting merried, move together. But last week she said she is leaving me. I am broken. Now I do not know how to move on. I realised that i do not have friends, have to live with my parents, have a job which I hate. Why should I live. When i wake up in the morning my first taught is to kill myself. I was thinkig abot killing myself before. But now i am serious about suicide. I will just go and buy a rope and hang myself. Who would miss me? Nobody. It would be better for everyone if i was death. I see a lot of people with perfect lives. Why i can not be like them. I do not know what to do. | 1 | suicidal |
It’s Friday, and you need to read this. | Today’s the day to get out of bed! Get off that couch, or get the hell out of that chair, y’all. Start by sitting up wherever you are right this second.
Right now, I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose, and slowly breathe it out through your mouth. Take another deep breath in, this time focus on the roof of your mouth and your tongue; relax those muscles, let your tongue fall away from the roof of your mouth, and breathe all the way out. Repeat this breathing technique, focusing further on your lungs and your rib cage. Feel each breath slowly touching your nostrils, pulling downward into your chest, filling your lungs. Consider your posture now, letting your shoulders roll back and your neck pull up as your lungs fill with fresh air.
Your body is likely sore from sleeping too much, or not enough, and I know that story all too well.
You’re alive today, and I challenge you to stand up, stretch the body your mind has been neglecting, and get into the shower. Practice the breathing technique in the shower or a hot bath, being mindful of how your body feels. Listen to it when it speaks today. You’ve got this! | 1 | suicidal |
Don’t know if this depression or sadness but honestly I feel like really killing my self. | I used to be perfectly normal and then Physics hit me. I am constantly flunking tests and even when I’m relaxing or watching tv I either feel ok or literally want to vanish and hang my self. I get a lot of mood swings going from neutral, happy, sad with neutral and super sad everyday. I always hold a happy face literally acting ok and happy and I can’t take it. No one really cares about me anyway and it feels unbearable or I’m quite happy. It’s been 2 years of this and I’m seriously might end it but subconsciously I feel like if I tell someone it is making me seem like a wimp for not being able to do it and dishonours real depressed people. But the only thing that keeps me going is setting goals like I want to be a programmer or play video games or my brother. | 0 | depression |
Not sure if I can carry on | I’ve bought this all on myself. I have a porn and sex addiction that has lead me to chest on my girlfriend. We have decided to try and make it work but I can’t stop the thoughts of regret and hatred to myself. I feel like the only thing that would help me and my girlfriend move on would be me out if the situation. I don’t think I could physically go through with it but the thoughts are always there.
Not really looking for advice but happy to hear anything anyone has to say it’s just been a help writing this down | 1 | suicidal |
I’m just done | I can’t anymore, I’ve tried for about 5 year now. All I got was kicks and punches from life. I fail daily tasks and cannot control myself. I hurt my surrounding and hate myself the most. I am suffering so much, yet I can’t bring myself over to pull the trigger or cut with the knife. I’ve been going to therapy for a while but there’s nothing changed, no help either. I’m thinking about taking an overdose of meds, but I don’t know if it will work. If not I cannot live with the afterwards consequences I have to face. I cannot bear to live another single day either.
I am just so done.
If anyone I know sees this, thanks for nothing.
Thanks for thinking you’re trying, yet you just secretly watched me slowly dying.
I hope humanity gets eradicated within the next decades. | 1 | suicidal |
Positivity revolts me. | I feel sick whenever someone praises me, or says anything optimistic directed towards me.
It feels disgusting, as if they're lying to my face. My mind tells me they have to be lying. They *have* to, else everything I've established in my head about myself is destroyed.
Can anyone relate? | 0 | depression |
I've been planning my end for years now. | I always liked beauty. Probably the only thing that kept me from ending it all. But even it wasn't enough, isn't, most of the time.
Sometimes the only thing that calms me is to plan how I'm going to do it. It came to a point that every time that I'm suicidal again the only thing stopping me is the complexity of the scene. I still don't have the right things, I can't go to the place, my hair isn't in the right length and etc.
I never told anyone about it. I'm living between numbness and intense feelings that hurt too much. I feel like I'm wasting my privileges, I'm wasting my capacities, I don't want to, I don't know what to do. The best phases are when I'm hyper, but I get destructive and it's not ideal.
I miss xanax but I'm tired of numbing it down. I'm tired of living like a nun, I'm tired of always having to control myself so much when I feel something.
And I ask myself what is going to happen the day I have everything ready. Sometimes I wish it was today. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it.
If someone knows a way out of this, I can listen. I'm always listening anyway. | 1 | suicidal |
Can’t stop sleeping | When I’m asleep I can’t feel like I’m drowning like I constantly feel I am. I feel so empty and lost on a daily basis and just hide behind a fake smile. I don’t have the drive anymore. I feel so alone in this world. Don’t have anyone to talk to or anything.. I’ve asked my “friends” if they wanted to go to six flags cause I have a season pass and can get people in super cheap
Or free and they all just dust me off. It’s sucks. | 0 | depression |
I hurt | Like I am in so much pain but I can’t seem to cry I just sit feeling so fucking numb and I just don’t know how to feel anything. I have many reasons
To live but selfishly I do not care. I w a n t to d I e | 1 | suicidal |
Last month I almost was able to go. | I was gonna drink some laundry detergent on the 5th of last month. So, I went to do the deed, and we were OUT. I was enraged. Now that I'm looking back on it, it might be a sign to keep living, but I really doubt that. I just wanna die, I can't even do that. | 1 | suicidal |
I hate myself MASSIVELY. | Okay, here it goes. I don’t really care if this isn’t a throwaway account, it’s whatever.
During the beginning of my teenage years, (13) I didn’t care about anything, how i looked, or anything of that sort. Looking in mirrors was fine, and life was good.
When i hit 14 i sent a really horrible selfie of myself to a group of online friends, was bullied really bad for it, and so on. From then on i’ve been incredibly alert of myself, if you know what i mean.
I stayed with this friend group because they were the only people i knew and could talk to, my parents hated me for being gay, and my brothers only took in their footsteps. After this, i just completely broke down, got so insecure that i wore a jacket for a year because i was so scared of anyone seeing me. That ended when i was 14.
I stopped because i just decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and that i was the only problem in that situation. Since then, it’s only gotten worse. I now spend all time i can get in my room, under a blanket, won’t call anyone because i don’t want anyone to hear how bad i sound, don’t let anyone see me because of how bad i look, etc.
I’ve attempted suicide once, and that one time my dad walked in on me trying to hang myself. I’ve given it lots of thought since then, and honestly, every day it feels like a better option.
I don’t know why i’m posting this, something in me told me to post this here. Hope everyone reading this has a fantastic day, though. | 0 | depression |
How do you cope with being side-lined by your parents? | My brother is married, they're expecting a baby, and now it's as if my parents have written me off altogether. My dad visited recently, he stayed with my brother, and I went to visit them everyday. But I knew my dad wouldn't have missed me if I wasn't there. Even before he left he said to my brother and sister in law that it was great seeing them both. He then remembered I was there too and quickly said "you three".
I've always known I'm the least favourite. The dispensible one. But to see that my dad actually might prefer my sister in law. I understand. I love her too. I suppose I failed at life and this is its way of pushing me out? | 0 | depression |
Self hate etc.. blah blah | From the time i remember myself i would always think im stupid and ugly and everybody else is better. From the time i was 14-15 i would imagine how to end it all. Why is my life like this I've never done anything wrong to anyone. If reincarnation is a real thing I was a selfish person that wanted the world now im stuck. | 1 | suicidal |
The endless cycle | My life is probably the worst it’s been in awhile. My parents basically tortured me as a child and now it’s gotten to the point I don’t talk to anyone. Not once. I used to be somewhat popular and have a lot of friends. Now since I’ve been here having suicidal thoughts and attempts, I pushed everyone away making me feel even worse it just feeds it self and I feel like the only out is death. Does anyone else feel this way? | 0 | depression |
I no longer fear death as much as I used to due to not enjoying life | I used to fear death and have hypochondria. I guess I loved life so much that the prospect of losing it all was terrifying.
But now my life is so dull that I probably wouldn't lose as much if I died. I still fear death and the darkness of it all, but the fear has taken a backseat.
Is this a slippery slope towards suicidal thoughts? I'm not suicidal and couldn't imagine myself being suicidal. | 0 | depression |
I just want to die | Nobody actually likes me, not a single person I know values me and has interest in me as a friend or a best friend , I just suck and I'm so easily replaced, I don't want to live anymore feeling this empty | 0 | depression |
I HAVE A GUT FEELING THAT WONT GO AWAY. | I really don’t have any evidence on this, but I have this feeling my GF cheated (or still is) on me. I have told her about this and we try different things to strengthen the trust again but nothing really works. This is ruining our relationship that was going great until this. It all started with me thinking that my friend and her were very friendly with each other, plus they shared a lot in common. That idea grew in my head at one point I had convinced myself it was true. I don’t know if it’s true or not I confronted both of them, but of course they denied it. Doesn’t help that my friend is always lying about things (small things at times) and after telling him the situation he hated me and began acting like a dick and showed me a side of him I never knew. I understand people will do and say things that they don’t mean when mad but he said some mean things lol. We ended up talking things out after I almost fought him because of the slimy shit he did. At the time I thought it was real but now I think it was to avoid the fight. | 0 | depression |
There is no rock bottom—just an endless abyss with ledges | It can always get better but it can always get worse too. | 0 | depression |
I have tried everything. | I'm not happy, I feel alone while completely surrounded by people who love me. I read everything my boyfriend texts me the wrong way and feel as if he's constantly angry at me so i uust avoid telling him how i feel. I feel like a failure in my job, a failure with money a failure in general.
My therapy got cancelled because I missed two sessions (one because my appendix burst and the other because i had a breakdown and couldn't leave the house). I feel stagnant and unloved and stupid for thinking this way because theres no reason to why I should think like this.
Im at a loss.
I need someone to talk to, I can't outright ask for attention from anyone because then I'll be needy. I just have to keep plodding on but I cant plod on. I am trying and it is hurting me.
I wish i wasnt around anymore, I really do.
Im sorry reddit, I just needed somewhere to vent. I don't want to be a bother.
But any advice in terms of just getting eyour emotions to level out would be fab. If you've made it this far, I'm sorry for taking time out of your day for just moaning. | 0 | depression |
I just want a single day where I don’t feel like taking my life. I’m so sick of this shit. | Today’s my birthday and in the single hour I’ve been awake, it’s already been one of the shittiest days I’ve had these past few months. I’m fucking sick of being here and I just don’t want to be here anymore god damnit. I just don’t want to be doing this shit.
I have a girlfriend who genuinely seems to care (no obligation to me or feels stuck with me) and I don’t think I’d be here without her.
I’m here... but to what benefit? | 0 | depression |
do you ever feel like you're always alone, even when surrounded by others? | you know how people always say "you're lonely, not alone"? i really honestly feel like i'm just unable to become close to another human being - mutually.
i have a lot of people in my life who love me and want to be close to me. but i feel cold saying that i am either too overwhelmed by them or i don't feel close to them.
i cant bond with others anymore. i used to have stupid useless sex constantly that made me feel like a piece of meat to be consumed. now intimacy terrifies me.
closeness and hugs scare me. i'm extremely isolated and i only ever leave the house for my (extremely tough medical) school and to get food. debt is piling up because of that but its my only joy.
i cant stand people getting close to me. i cant stand hanging out with friends. but yet i want love and intimacy so badly. i feel like im so broken, and that i'm never going to feel like a human again.
i just feel like a vessel that serves as a stupid, servicing fleshlight to fuck. to only ever improve the quality of others - not me. i don't deserve it.
i just don't understand why i shouldn't just kill myself over spring break. that way if i survive, i have a week to be in the psych hospital and not miss any assignments or exams. | 1 | suicidal |
bullying is real. I'm a bully. | I make fun of my friend for being skinny and punch her around. I jab at my other friend everytime she makes a little mistake. I'm an asshole. I just make fun of people out of instinct, and complain when people do the same to me. I'm a toxic ass hypocrite.
yet I complain, sit on my ass, and don't change.
ironic. | 0 | depression |
I have been strongly considering suicide. I dont want uplifting talk. What is the easiest way to kill myself? | If I made a list of the people I love it would be no one. If I made a list of my favorite songs it would be none. If I made a list of everything that I want to become and want to accomplish.. there would be no answer. All I feel is anxiety, fear, and pain. Eating makes me feel sick. I cant get more than a couple hours of sleep. I'm just ready to go and I dont care how it affects anyone. | 1 | suicidal |
I need help right noe but don't know how to get it | I have dysthymia and have dealt with suicidal ideation privately for years, but over the past 6 months and especially over the last 48 hours it has gotten really really bad. I feel like I am two people right now. One version is ready to go and has a solid plan for how to do it. The other version is horrified and sick at this. I am preventing myself from acting by reminding myself of how much I'm needed at work tomorrow, by thinking of how dependent my pet cat is on me, by imagining how much this will hurt my friends. The two sides are battling it out. I don't think I'll act on my suicidal thoughts tonight, but I may within the next few days. I don't know what to do.
I'm broke and can't handle an ER bill. I definitely can't go to family with this and I'm afraid to go to friends. I have a therapist but won't see her until Sunday.
I don't know what to do but I know I have to do something. Please suggest something | 1 | suicidal |
Everything is falling apart | I've already had a lot going on in my personal life, and I was closer to suicide than I'd ever been. Then there was a huge argument among my friends. I won't get into details, but I don't think they'll make up. I was right in the middle and now I need to fucking pick a side. But I don't want to pick a side. If I do I'll lose some of my friends, and I am neutral on the whole situation anyway. If I don't pick a side, I'll start spending more time with one group than the other because I hate changing things, and then they'll hate me. So I'm going to isolate. I won't sit with them in the morning or at lunch, I'll only work with them in class if they come to me, etc. If they want to talk to me they'll find me. I don't have any other friends, so I'll be completely alone. Of course, that'll only happen if I don't end up killing myself before the end of March break. I was so close to suicide before the argument, but now I'm pushed past my limit. I'll probably go for the next opportunity I get (i.e. know I'll be home alone for 2+ hours). I just can't take this anymore, it's all become too much. I don't really want to die, but nothing ever gets better so what's the point. I just give up. | 1 | suicidal |
I wrote a note | I told my parents I loved them and that I was sorry. I told them its not their fault Im just tired of waking up and feeling like I’m in fight or flight every day all day. I told my girlfriend she should move on and find someone better who actually deserves her love. I told my friends thank you for being there sometimes but Im done fighting. I’ve lost the battle. Tomorrow is my last sunrise. Tomorrow night I’m out of here. Good bye all. | 1 | suicidal |
Feeling my life is over | Hey, I created an account because I honestly dont know what I am doing anymore on here. Last year was the worst of my life. My long time GF (4 years) and I broke up. She lives in a different state so I flew there to speak to her and atleast end it on good terms. The day after I started a new job.
It started well with my manager happy but the next week I had another manager who joined (the person who hired me was sacked). Towards the end of the first month, I ended up having surgery on my back. This is where the issues started, The surgery and the breakup really affected me physically and mentally and I kept making errors which were easily avoidable. Eventually it got too much for them and they released me.
It took me 3 years to find the job in my field which I graduated in and i honestly thought it was what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I got left with no job and now no partner.
I have a job now - in my field but not exactly the same (if that makes sense) but it is really going nowhere. My manager is good and is happy with my performance but the organisation does not allow for any growth. The person who I replaced is younger than me and is already far ahead in their career than I will. To top it all off, I live in a small town and it will be hard to hide the termination.
I honestly dont know what is the point anymore. No matter what I do, it feels it is never enough and I am not going anywhere | 1 | suicidal |
I feel really suicidal | I was at Sagres —the end of the world— today, and all I really wanted to do was jump of the cliff into the water. I was told it’s an instant death. If I had been there alone, I probably would’ve jumped. | 1 | suicidal |
Can someone recommend good qualities in therapist that i can spot early on? | emptypost | 0 | depression |
i can’t catch up | i feel like no matter how hard i try when i make one step forward i’m always two steps back. it’s so defeating and embarrassing | 0 | depression |
An interesting title | I'm back here. Yay, getting ready to rant out my god awful useless problems instead of revise for my mocks; which 2 of my A-Levels I'm going to fail. I don't want to do extra years in college, it's fucking horrible. I'm again crying out for help despite me not accepting it, or no one even giving me help; instead I'm getting help from the internet "Oh wow how original, last time you did that you fell into a greater depression."
I hate my life, my family is horrible and struggling too. The world is fucked, people are disgusting; everyday I wish for a quick fucking death. I'm failing in school, I have no passion in what I do anymore and even better I don't know what I wanna be in the future.
God I don't know what to do with my life, I just wanna move out of England, go live a quiet life in Canada, somewhere where's there's no people, no problems and where I can die in peace. I don't know why I'm writing this. Again. For my own good I guess. I wish I could cry again, have a friend to talk to and feel open with. I miss my ex. Who was a fucking internet relationship that I fell deeply in love with. "The retard has fallen in love with the E-boy" how devilishly gay of me. I hate my life so much, god the thought of shoving a shotgun barrel into my mouth makes me so happy.
Please don't tell me "it'll get better" it won't. Life won't get better it will get worse. It has been. I don't really know why I said that because no one frankly cares about these posts, yeah you'll comment on one but after you don't know what will happen to them. It's funny, I went to one of those subreddits to make a friend in, and they fucking downvoted me. What a way to boost my confidence Internet. And make a friend. Fuck I hate myself.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I want to sleep forever, I don't want to wake up tommorow to do my mock. I know I'll fail it. I'm a fucking failure.
Ask for help? I'm too worthless to ask, I won't accept it, I have too high standards or whatever. Idk. I've become the very thing I've sworn to destroy and that's a depressed sad fucking failure. I don't know what to do.
I'm just another one of the millions asking for help only to not take it. I'm unmotivated to do anything. God I want to cry so much.
I should stop, go look at some stupid pointless memes, suffer and regret my decisions and go look at my ex's profile for the 10th time this week. I hate myself and my life.
Yeah thanks for reading this if you did.
But to be frankly honest why would you waste the time. How would you even fucking reply to this. | 0 | depression |
Fuck i just cant do it im stuck in this nightmare | Here i am in bed holding a knife its been like an hour that im trying to get to courage just to stab myself in the carotid artery already wrote a suicide note and everything but im such a coward i just cant do it fuck fuck fuck i dont wanna live in this nightmare anymore i dont wanna wake for tomorrow everyday day is the same shitty day | 1 | suicidal |
I just want to be done | I’m a 21 year old and my birthday is in two week’s (st.Patrick’s day), my entire life has been rough. From the moment I was born I had heart issue’s and growing up I had a growth deficiency, to then my ribs growing in words and crushing my lung’s along with asthma. That’s just a small portion but it sums it up. From losing my dad at 15 when I finally was at an age to do thing’s he liked which I developed a love for because I got to hangout with him, to then never being able to do them again and having to retire from hockey and sports because my lungs are so small due to my chest issues. Everyone left, I had nobody when I lost my dad, I spent years silent, didn’t talk to anyone, same racial expression everyday. I dragged myself out of the hole, then life continues and people keep coming and going and destroying me on the way out with friends betraying me and relationships being cheated on. I’ve never been good enough for anyone. My mother doesn’t speak to me anymore, she’ll go through my siblings to contact me. She also moved across the usa. Finally I’ve hit a point where I just don’t want to keep praying for better day‘s. It’s been 6 years of in and out of hospitals for mental issues and thing’s just never get better. I then lost my best friends dad from cancer whose family took me in when I was on the brink of ending it all and they helped me get better and it worked until my previous relationship. I mean I was happy again. Like I felt normal. I wasn’t crying every morning and every night. I was excited for the day. But it’s been about 9 months since that and I’ve cut the world off and I haven’t spoke to anyone in week’s bc nobody ever tried to contact me and it was always me reaching out so I stop tried. I have no confidence left and I have no chill anymore, I’m just the guy that’s there with his headphones in always. I’m tired. I can’t seem to do anything right. I just want to be at peace, I don’t want to be here but I can’t do that to my siblings. Even tho we don’t get along well I don’t want them to enter a depressed state like I’ve gone through for years. I’m just running out of energy and idk how much longer I can do it until I just say fuck it and be done and end it, end my pain. Nobody seem’s to care about my pain so idk why I should care about anyone else’s anymore. I’ve always been the person who will help anyone even if I barely know them. But nobody does it for me.. | 1 | suicidal |
I just want to feel less alone | All my friends live out of town. I had to go no contact with my mom again. Usually the only person i speak to on the day to day is my 8 yr old. Im 29 and don't know how to make friends. Occasionally someone moe extroverted will make friends with me but it always ends with them taking advantage of my kindness so i have to drop them from my life. Im tired of being alone. Im tired of being disabled. Im tired of all my mental illnesses. Im tired of wanting to die. I need to be held so bad. A judge once told my mom she shouldn't have had kids. He was right. I didn't ask for this. Im in therapy and on antidepressants but its not enough. I just want it to be over. | 0 | depression |
I feel better now. If anyone reads these and was wondering. | emptypost | 1 | suicidal |
How to get out of this Hole of regret? | I’m 26. I feel swallowed in regret & Shame. It keeps nagging me to reconnect with old friends & associates. I haven’t spoke to them in over a decade. I genuinely care about their well being but for some reason it’ll feel fake of me. I can’t enjoy the present with my family & friends. I get bored or lose interest & will feel sad out of nowhere. Anybody been through this? Or know how to move forward? | 0 | depression |
I feel so lonely. |
I want to talk to someone, anyone, with a desperate fervour. The subject doesn't matter, as long as the person is interested in talking to me.
I honestly can't remember a time when I *didn't* feel so alone, but lately it seems to have gotten even worse. Even people whom I once thought my friends seem to have lost any interest in me. I want to talk to *someone.*
But I also can't tell anyone about this, because I worry that they will only speak to me out of pity or a misguided sympathy.
I do not want either of those, I can not stand the mere thought of them.
All I want, is to be genuinely liked.
But I feel like I don't *have* anything to be liked for: I'm not funny, I'm not smart, I'm not charming, I can't even listen to people that well. Who would ever *want* to befriend me? | 1 | suicidal |
I (19M) feel like I'm reaching a breaking point. | I've been feeling depressed af the last few months, it sort of feels like a relapse after about 6 months of a reasonably healthy mental state.
Basically I feel physically drained of energy all day, I have zero motivation to study or try in any way whatsoever in college. I'm doing a notoriously tough course and barely passed my Christmas exams. I come home exhausted but when I go to bed I just become really agitated and irritated. My heart starts pounding and I struggle to breathe, I can't get comfortable and even if go to bed exhausted at 8/9pm I wouldn't get to sleep until 2/3am. However in the mornings I struggle so much to get out of bed, I feel like there's almost zero point getting up anyway as I wouldn't even miss out on anything. I end up missing so many of my lectures simply becuase I cannot bring myself to get out of bed. I still live at home going to college but if I lived by myself without parents I could see myself just staying in bed/my room for days at a time.
Every day passes by in a sort of blur for me, I feel like I almost have a depersonalization disorder as I just operate in autopilot. I feel like a shell, it's almost like I'm just empty inside; I don't feel emotions, everything just feels monotonous and numb. Honestly I really just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I used to have passions like playing music/sport/reading/films etc but nothing excites me anymore. I feel like I don't really have an emotional outlet, it's like I'm just existing day-to-day without actually living. Since I find close to zero pleasure in general life I self-medicate with weed; I guess it's just a coping mechanism in order to feel something other than numb. I also think I have memory loss, as the last couple months have really blurred, I honestly don't know where the time has gone or what I've been doing in that time.
I also have really really bad eating habits, I don't generally eat breakfast and then could go the day without eating. However when I come home I often would binge until I struggle to breathe.
I also feel socially exhausted every day I have to go into college; pretending to be someone I'm not is mentally draining as I feel like I'm putting on a fake persona just to mask the numbness when all I wanna do is just go to bed/get high. This is probably part of the reason I avoid going to lectures.
This all eventually caused me to go to the student couseling services in my college sometime last week, however I feel like I wasnt as honest as I should have been regarding my situation, I was definitely making it out to be less severe than it actually is. They set me up with counselling sessions that start in 3 weeks.
However I feel like my ability to function has been severely impaired in the last few days. Tonight I felt the urge to self-harm for the first time and honestly if I had clean razors I would already have done so. I don't think I can wait 3 weeks for my counselling appointment, I feel like I should go to a GP/psychiatrist and see what they think. I feel like I just want someone to tell me exactly what I have, I'm 99% sure it's depression, and perhaps symptomatic insomnia/a binge eating disorder. I guess part of me still denies it's depression despite me knowing that it almost certainly is and I feel like I need a medical professional to tell me how it is in order for me to be able to work on getting better. I guess I also want to see if they think that medication could help too. Ultimately I just want treatment as soon as possible, something concrete I can show to myself to tell me that I'm taking steps to improve myself as atm I feel so lost in life, and I feel like a breakingpoint might come soon unless I change things.
I really don't know where to go from here, I guess this post is just a reflection. Maybe I just want to get my thoughts down somewhere but if anyone has any advice obviously I'd rly appreciate that: like most ppl here I just wanna feel normal again. :( If anyone would be willing to talk about things a bit more in detail I'd appreciate a pm. | 0 | depression |
Quite a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.... | So this is getting straight out of fucking hand. I'm a young male, studying and I feel like whatever's this feeling (Anxiety? Depression? Stress? I have no fucking clue!) Is catching up with me. Now: supposedly I have a loving family, friends.... All that shit you already know. But I don't want to talk to them, not even my gf, in whom I'd trust almost anything. Grades are fucking reverse skyrocketing. I CAN'T get myself to sit down and study shit. I'm probably going to fail music, even although I have been taught music in a music school for about 7 years. I just don't understand some subjects and probably won't at all. Worst part is we are having a trip to Ireland before the summer break, and you are automatically chosen out if you fail 2 or more subjects. I will probably fail French, Music, Spanish, Math, and most likely Physics and chemistry. Now, of all of those I just used to struggle with math BTW.
So just recently I've started cutting myself again. Not serious wounds straight in the veins. But cuts in my left hand and arm which stay there for quite a while. I will most likely continue doing so as my grades keep coming in. I will most likely get any source of music taken away from me (PC, Mp3, Phone....) And this won't help at all with the situation.
Also recently I started going out with a girl I liked since 2-3 years ago, and she has liked me for the same time. This is the first relationship for both of us. None of us has ever kissed, made out with anyone, etc. And we are both really shy. And I have had friends since the start of the relationship (We've been together for 3 months now) trying to pressure both of us into making out. I, as the coward I am, obviously couldn't make it happen despite her FUCKING TELLING ME SHE WANTS TO.
And I've also had quite a high number of suicidal thoughts lately. Mostly think of how could I do it...
Think of hanging myself, OD to death, find a gun somewhere (not common at all in my country) and blow my head off, cut myself, tie a rope around my neck and stretch it so hard I die, sealing my swimming pool while turning on the water for it to slowly rise and drown me, put a toaster with me in the bath.... I'm quite creative, really....
Also I've been finding it hard to find reasons to stay alive. I feel like a burden for my GF and family, only see myself as a weight they must lift to carry on and never, ever, feel like doing something useful that someone would be thankful for. | 1 | suicidal |
I keep spamming on this sub. Sorry | I know it's really dumb to keep spamming and spamming, I've already made two other posts here. Unless it was actually three and I have the memory of a goldfish. I just feel alone as hell and I need to vent. Again. I'm pissed at myself for eating today. The plan was not to eat anything this month but I fucked that up. Hopefully, starting tomorrow, I'll be able to control my fatass self and not eat until April. And I started cutting again today so that's great. But I'm actually so fucking pathetic that I can't even cut that deep because it hurts too much. I cut my neck which is just dumb as hell since the neck is difficult to cover. The sad part is that a small part of me wants people to see. That's super fucked up, why would I want that? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. Hopefully he can give me meds that actually work. That is my last hope. Otherwise suicide is my only option, if I just have the guts to go through with it. I don't know why I keep ranting but thanks for reading. | 1 | suicidal |
I’m scared and I’m alone and I don’t know what to do | emptypost | 1 | suicidal |
Emotional hurricane | So this is my first reddit post, so bear with me. I am not suicidal, so I don't want anyone to think I am in dire need of assistance. I don't want to scare anyone. But I do have depression, for 2-3 years now. I wrote a journal entry today that kind of illustrates how i constantly feel. 24/7. I've been journaling on and off for maybe 6 years, but tonight, after 7 months of not writing, I just felt this urgent need to put my feelings to pen and paper. Reading it back, its kind of scary (knowing myself) how dark it is, if that makes sense? I don't really know why I'm posting it. Maybe someone out there will say 'SAME BITCH I FEEL THE SAME FUCKIN WAYYYYY'??? Who knows. Anyways, here goes:
March 4th, 2020
​
What does it mean when you feel so sad/lost/hopeless, but none of your friends or family seem to notice? To be constantly around people, but to feel so alone? To feel like you're being sucked into this black hole, but no one is around to help you out? To not really know how you feel? To wishing you were brave enough to tell other how you're feeling? To reach out for help? But at the same time, feeling hurt because nobody seems to care? To want someone to look into your eyes and see the sadness and tell you it's going to be okay? For the ones 'closest' to you to hear the lie in your laugh? To feel alone? Abandoned? Like you'll never be happy again? To be so scared that you'll feel this sad and lonely forever? Sometimes I really wonder if there is a single person out there that cares about my feelings, about my health, about my state of mind. I try so hard to be shoulder to cry on for my loved ones, to be a support system. But what about me? I've spent my whole life putting other people's needs before my own, and now that I'm trying SO HARD to focus on myself and put my needs first, I'm alone. Even the few people I've shared my feelings with are nowhere to be seen. What's the point in sharing if nobody cares? Because nobody cares, right? I think it's pretty obvious at this point. So what do you do when you have no support system? No one in your corner to encourage you? To fight for you? To fight FOR you? When there's no one to tell you 'it's going to be okay'? To give you a hug while you cry? Because you're always crying. I don't know. I just want my smile to be real again. | 0 | depression |
I need help. | I just need some interaction, I’m trying really hard not to cut myself right now. I’m addicted and it’s a problem. My day was shitty, but I’d like to hear about yours. | 0 | depression |
I'd like to hear how the world is still a good place | I've been feeling incredibly lonely recently. My psychiatrist can't see me until next Friday (she isn't covered under my insurance).
TL;DR Tell me some kindness you've witnessed or received.
I have been unemployed since December and I was holding on until I got my tax refund so I could see my psychiatrist for new meds, fixing my car, anything until I can get another job. Then the government took it all for student loans.
I used all my energy and grit to get here, only to be still stranded and lower than ever. I don't talk to my friends anymore about it because they just think being strong is the key and that I will be fine. I don't feel fine. I used everything up and now I am here, jobless, broke, and not even caring to take care of myself anymore. What's the point, you know?
I would like to hear some kindnesses you've witnessed. I've given up thinking anything good will happen to me (after three years of being kicked in the teeth every three weeks) but I want to hear how the world is still a good place. | 0 | depression |
My story | Last year I was a freshman in highshighschool. Near the end I was ready. I was gonna do it then one of the people told my mom and got me help. I told 3 people john, alex, and gabriel. Kohn said he would help me but lied. Alex did nothing and gabriel helped me. A few nights ago john texted me. This is our conversation.
John: I know you hate and despise me with a passion, But I must ask, Why? I just kinda needed some clearence. I'm not here to pick a fight with you, but to come to an understanding, So looks like u have spent 10 mins typing, I guess I can expect a bomb drop on me or som.
Me: I was on the verge of suicide and u said u would do something u promised and I hoped deep down someone would I was going to kill my fucking self on the 13 of july that year stab in the heart with a fuckin knife u promised me someone who I dispite all other judgement thought was a good if not the closest friend I had u did nothing u would've let me die it was gabriel the one who I thought wouldn't give a shit because of all the shit we went through it was him who got me the fucking help I hate u so fuck much so so much with all my fucking heart every muscle and bone and tendon and bit of flesh burns with hatred when i even think about u and the worst part is i cant unthink it I cant just forget an entire year cause I fuckin would forget u exist forget the entirety of 8th grade then some more u go around saying oh jay was just faking it he wanted the attention I was going to fuckin die and u were gonna sit there and watch with ur thumb up ur ass like some sorta fuckin beast of the fields then u come back to me and ask what I did wrong why do u hate me like that's a question then ur not even gonna say sorry u weren't just a shitty friend ur a shitty person and I made it my mission now to stop people from making the same mistake I did trusting u fuck I was a goddamn idiot but it doesn't even matter now I know where everyone stands when I asked them to pick a side a while back and they said they were with me only to lie and be with u I know now I only hate 3 things u Hitler and satan and u u didnt even do just that u hit ur brother u shot at me with a bb gun u hit my head with a bat and each time I tried to be a friend have someone by myside thought it would be u guess not then theres ur sarcasm again and I could keep going but ur rushing me so here
John: Well holy shit That was... Okay look man I'm honestly speechless But I need you to understand my perception I thought that you were just up to ur usual antics and I thought u were begging for attention, and I decided to not give you that attention. You aren't gonna believe me but I am honestly truly sorry if you felt and continue to feel this way I mean I never wanted any of this, I was led to believe that you had gone mad and I had to leave it at there Suicide is stupid by the way, I have considered that for myself in the past and I'm telling you it does not go well because those who have acted on that literally destroy their loved ones. You need to understand that I never wanted to hurt you in the way that you felt I just thought it was a bucket of bullshit, but I know realize you needed help Look I wanna clear the air here, I know you'll never consider me friend and that you hate my guts, but I want to make my peace with you and I want you to understand that I never hated you, and I am a man who believes in redemption There's nothing I can do, you clearly are a broken individual, I pray for your healing and I hope god watches you I hope that you seek help and that you talk to someone about this
Me: Horse shit
John: Ik that's what you think
Me: Need I continue Or do u wanna talk in person
John: Look man all I can say is god bless your soul, may his angels watch you, may you be free of this cursed darkness, and if you wanna talk in person I'm totally up for that
Me: Tomorrow freshman bathrooms by the commons around a lunch
John: I have a class I need to attend for and my schedule is kinda tight, but I could tomorrow morning at the main commons or som I believe you and I have a shared friend, Jake Maybe he could be present as we hash things out
Me: No This is a u and me thing Fuck class
John: Of course, but listen if you wanna reach me, I'm around in the mornings or C lunch period
Me: Fuck that then
John: I kinda got fucked with the tardies rn so... I mean I'm open to discussing with you
Me: Fuck ok
John: I just need a time that works for both of us
Me: I'm just gonna say it all here
John: I can get on call if you like?
Me: Cant
John: Aight Then ig you just tell me here
Me: Shortened version
Beginning of 9th grade I was completely alone u guys who were supposed to be my fuckin friends ran from me knew no one talked to no one only friend I had was jd and hes an ass on his own lowering my self esteem and all this went on for a month finally when I caught hold of u I invited u all to my birthday where everyone fucked off on their own leaving me once again alone to top that off all 3 of u alex gabriel and u tried to leave then homecoming where my past finally caught up to me I met someone we went on a date and it was ok I got to the house only to find some cunt who left the group who u took the place of and he told them everything about me how I hurt people without remorse and how I would so it again and how I was dangerous and shit they knew and I went with them they tried confronting me about it but I lied I hate liars and I lied to make that worse she was with someone else and I couldn't do shit about it when I go over to look for u bing notification everyone except me with the caption only friends I need or something I didnt have a ride home so I went back each question getting more and more personal until my dad came where I had to lie to him too and mom I knew I was alone then thought for a while then the idea slipped in for all but a second talked myself out ended the semester kicked out of 4 groups and our relationship starting to tear
Second half dad beat me mom beat me I wasnt doing well anywhere I went I was getting called a school shooter mick was getting away with everything and I was constantly at the bottom always mom thinks I'm gay humiliates me to the point of breaking down telling her I'm not only to find out later she didnt believe me start to lose friends over time get kicked out of sam billings table and im alone idea slips in I think on it for a bit longer before talking myself out again dad moves to Arizona leaving mom stressed jd convinces me I'm not a good person I give him a peice of my mind we dont talk for a bit I get in a fight lose and get made fun of for it the idea is set now stuck in my head I'm going to do this i need to mom humiliates me further but apologizes I know it's fake I say to myself I should probably tell the fuckers so they aren't blindsided gabriel snitches later that night and I have a difficult conversation with mom concerning my mental health I go to therapy over the summer
This year I come to school knowing jake over summer hoping I have at least lunch but no I no nobody I'm alone again I see Sam's tables broken up over schedules I say not again and assemble what I can every other persons telling me I'm gay kill myself or something I know I need to keep loving myself even if I'm alone then I get word that u were telling people I was saying I was going to kill myself for attention then the switch flipped I hate u always will I will never forgive u gabriel or alex never I bullshat my way into Jake's friend Austin's life stayed there expanded my group
Now after thinking to myself why I'm even trying I realize u dont care ur a self centered asshole I had my fair share of toxicity but u took the cake and it was my fault for inviting u to the table now I see some freshman showing the same mannerisms as u and I know I need to stop it because u were a good friend but then u stopped and I dont understand that I don't get it why it doesn't matter the only one u care about is u and u will do anything to make sure u are ok or u come out on top like u have been but it doesn't matter I have the first real friend I had in a while a trustworthy group of friends and a gf lifes uphill only problem is u and I'm stuck on that cant shake it u aren't a good person idk if its u lashing out because of the divorce or u just think ur better than others or what anyways every part of my body wants u to burn in hell
If that's too much to read listen to creep humility and magic city
John: I finished it all It was alot but I read it I don't what to say So you think I'm some narcisstic prick So much self pity man, and I have to say this really isnt healthy
Me: Typical I said what I had to
John: You may not be able to forgive me, but you need to understand that this is not how any human being should live I wouldnt wish how you feel on my worst enemy
Me: I look for the good in everything I cant find any in u I said what i had to
John: I know Again you may think I'm some prideful narcisstic son on a bitch, but I do care about people, especially for those who are broken
Me: U are Look in a mirror and think long and hard about urself
John: I mean thats only how you view me There are millions of ways different people who see you You think I'm a bad man, and I accept your thoughts, I mean thats not who I am, but if thats the picture you painted then I'm sorry
Me: I'm an asshole that's how 80% of people see me and I'm ok with that But ask any one
John: My advice to you is find a light, be free, never let the pain, the darkness determine who you are
Me: Tell them answer honestly Dont therapize me
John: I'm happy that you met Jake, he is a truly great friend and is very supportive, I'm glad that you have someone like him in your life
Me: Fuck off with ur therapeutic bullshit
John: I'm not being your therapist, but the more you hang on to this hate and anger, than life will just be a major bummer I mean ur stubborn man
Me: Thing is I want to forgive and forget But I cant
John: And you can Thats ur choice
Me: U may be sorry now
John: U can let go of it all
Me: But that doesn't fix what ubdid U did*
John: What I did? Its all in ur head
Me: I will never forgive u
John: You painted this fucked up picture of me
Me: Or alex Or gabriel I will not because theres no good in u We all see ourselves as saints and our enemies as devils
John: I'm not your enemy
Me: To me ur just the shittyiest of shitty people U are John U are
John: Than thats a u problem
Me: U were about to let me die After u promised to be with me Then u lie
John: First of all suicide is an option and I never advised you to do that
Me: I told u And gabriel And alex Only u 3
John: What was I supposed to do? Did you want me to call a hotline or som?
Me: U were supposed to be my friend Just be my friend But u didnt and u cant and u won't
John: I wanted to be your friend, and I'm sorry that I decided to not even say anything That I took ur claims as an attention stunt
Me: U say sorry now because I explained U arent Dont kid urself
John: Your in a dark dark place, and I feel very sorry for you, your broken and fucked up and all I can do is wish you the best Jay
Me: Were I'm not anymore I was in a dark place Things are fucked up Yes but that's gonna help later Gammbette jay gammbette and be kensuki Words I tell myself every morning Gammbette do your best in try in Japanese Kensuki the art of using gold to repair broken things Ik I'm broken but I'm fixing myself Something I would recommend u do
John: I'm happy for you
Me: No u fuckin aren't
John: Think what you want
Me: I can almost smell the bullshit Its alarming
John: Well again thats a u issue Nothing I can do about that
Me: I can't do shit about that Change my view I'm just gonna let u know rn I mean every word I say
John: So ig we are not on good terms? And cannot change it
Me: I hate u and cant forgive u I'm sorry But what you did to me I cant forgive
John: Take care of yourself Jay, I hope you find your inner peace, I hope you can achieve your nirvana Goodbye
Me: Fuck off with that bullshit I'll get it eventually but I hope I dont see u again | 1 | suicidal |
Little ways to revitalize your routine. | Recently, I've realized just how important variety and freshness is in everyday life. I know that many of the tips I will list below are not possible when you are in a particularly dark place, but I thought I'd mention them anyway — perhaps something will be of help to you. Here are a few things that help me keep overwhelming bouts of anxiety and ideation at bay:
* Push yourself to wake up a little earlier. Stretch slowly with deep breaths and take a walk around your neighborhood as the sky turns rosy-yellow. Try to appreciate the new day; think of something, anything, to look forward to. Return home for a warm shower and freshly-laundered clothes.
* Sleep a little bit earlier. Wash your sheets and buy a few soft blankets to make your bed into a cozy sanctuary. Allot time for reading or journalling to clear your mind.
* Allot time to cook simple, lovely meals. Steam fresh vegetables, cook some rice, or cut up a fruit salad of apples, bananas, and citrus. Eat mindfully and drink plenty of water.
* Buy a well-bound journal and a good quality pen. Write down achievable to-do lists, make calendars, note groceries, thoughts, haikus — anything. Put your thoughts in ink; appreciate daily observations.
* Reorganize your space, or at least a little section of it. Listen to a nice podcast as you do so. Put your sheets and pillowcase into the laundry. Clear out your shelves and drawers, sort through everything, and replace it all neatly. Light a lovely candle and add some fresh flowers. Open a window or two.
* Buy or borrow a book on any topic which sparks even the slightest interest. Crocheting? Botany? Medieval history? Delving into a new topic just for the sake of it is worthwhile.
* Embrace non-competitive hobbies. This is incredibly important in a product(ivity)-obsessed society which devalues craftsmanship and pure interests. Activities like the following enrich your daily life and force you to set aside some time away from mandatory tasks: needle-felting, gardening, writing (poems, books, articles, blogs), painting, photography, wood-whittling, typography, graphic design, etc. Ensure that whatever you choose, the hobby involves holding the fruits of your labor in your hands. You do not have to be "good" at it – this is not a career choice. Watching yourself grow and have fun with it is success in and of itself.
I hope you are doing well — I'm glad you are here, reading this. Wishing you warmth and support. | 1 | suicidal |
helppppp | oki so idrk why I'm doing this, ig maybe I'm just wallowing in self pity, but I rlly dont see why I should be alive anymore. my gf broke up with me, I no longer talk to my best friend, and I have good friends, i just feel so lonely all the time, like I'm drowning, and i feel like everyone is leaving me one by one and maybe it would help if i just died now because at least there would be someone who cared. what can I do? | 1 | suicidal |
Im excited to drink myself to sleep tonight | I have a .22 five feet behind me all i have to do is pull back the slide load it and its ready to help exterminate my useless pathetic ass from existing. It will be the most useful act ill ever perform. So why am i such a pussy about it? Why am i such a pile of shit i cant even give myself the comfort i long for? Im sick of trying everyday knowing ill never be even mediocre. I just want it all to end . | 1 | suicidal |
Urgent: took 10,400mg of ibuprofen | I have Borderline Personality disorder, and during an episode, I counted out and took 52 pills of 200mg ibuprofen. Should I be worried? | 1 | suicidal |
I went to a doctor and prescribed citalopram | I feel nauseous after taking pill,But i didn't drink from today till now
(Sorry, my English isn’t good) | 0 | depression |
I'm tired of being alive | I haven't been sleeping much lately, I wake up with heavy drowsiness, despite not being able to fall asleep. I don't want to continue like this, I don't want to live if this is what life is.
My daily thoughts are riddled with shame, regret, disappointment, anger, and worry. There is so much I wish I had done differently, or not at all. I don't talk to anyone about it because no one would quite understand. It is much easier said than done to not compare oneself to others, forgive, or move on from the past. I haven't lived a day of my life at the age of 25 because of my circumstances and poor decision making.
I feel helpless and powerless. The world is hostile, overly competitive, and parasitic. The deluded turn to their illusions of grandeur via religion, but no loving god would allow this atrocity of a world. I don't feel I have a place that I belong
I wish I had made friends sooner, I don't have anyone now and I feel that I am just a burden. I wish I had gotten a job instead of letting myself be pressured into post secondary education, I have no money or direction now and I feel that I am a failure. I wish I had stood up for myself in bad relationships, I don't have any self respect now and I feel that I am a weak loser. I wish I had matured sooner, I am very far behind in life and I feel that I cannot catch up. I wish I had any confidence in myself, I am convinced that it is too late to make anything worthwhile because the foundations of my life are rotten and building on rotten foundation is recipe for disaster.
I wish I had a better family, a better community, a better world to live in, and I wish I was a better person. No matter what anyone says, I don't believe much can change.
I'm not like others, I wish I was. I can't use social media at all because it floors me to see others doing things I wanted to do, and seeing the results of the better choices they made.
I wish life were easier, people were kinder, mistakes could be undone, and I wish I didn't feel so down all the time. I've long since learned that it doesn't matter what I think or want; I have no power, influence, or real drive left to change | 0 | depression |
I'm pretty sure I'm just overreacting | Hi everyone. I'm really not even in the mood to do this, but I don't want to be alone now. I'm having a breakdown and considering suicide. I think I'm overreacting to something, but I don't want to be judged right now. Can I ask that there be little to no judgement towards me please? I'm not in the right here, but I just want peace.
​
So today, my boss of a year told me she's relocating me. She said it's because of my body odor. She talked to me in January about it and I told her I'm doing my best. She told me today I was doing better but today it's been "the worse it's been since then."
I'm absolutely devastated. I have depression and schizophrenia, but I still brush my hair, brush my teeth, use deodorant, and body spray. I don't shower often because I have bad memories of when I was younger, I had severe eczema, and my skin would burn and peel when water touched it. I'm terrified of showers now.
I know I have a responsibility to take care of myself, but it's so hard when I'm TRYING but no one seems to care that I'm trying. I also know my boss has been stressed lately, but I feel like she forgot what I told her in January and is snapping at me.
She also just sent me an email.
" In January we had conversation about hygiene one that I had been reluctant to have. From that conversation I believed that you would rectify the situation. Over the the past few weeks hygiene has become an issue again.
I am not sure if I am able to assist you in figuring out how to go about resolving the problem. What I am sure of is that you are a great member of the team and I want you to continue to work in the office."
I'm not even sure I want to be here anymore. I was feeling really good about myself today. I changed clothes, used deodorant and body spray, and brushed my hair for the first time in days. I'm also getting my first car tomorrow. I thought that I could have a week where I actually felt hopeful.
I know I'm overreacting, but I just feel horrible about myself. I called my dad crying and he told me it was my fault and that he isn't trying to "hurt me". I told him "I shouldn't have even called anyone." and hung up.
I'm just really tired and considering overdosing when I clock out of work today. I have plenty of Zoloft, plenty of BuSpar, and one dose of hydrocodone. I just regret being here because I have my dog here with me on campus. I asked my dad to come and pick me up and he acted like I was asking him to move a mountain for me. Even though I pay for gas and food and bills. So I told him to wait until tomorrow, I just wouldn't go to work tomorrow.
I just really want to die because I feel so awful about myself. I feel like I'm not worthy of love. I feel like I'm not worthy of respect. I'm exhausted. I feel that it would be better if I was dead, so my boss wouldn't have to deal with me. | 1 | suicidal |
Today my mom said I'm antisocial and not fun | Yesterday my mom took me to a disney event with free tickets (I'm 21) and said I could invite two friends. I invited two girls, 21 and 18 and they're really pretty. They both have boyfriends and even on the photos they posted of the 3 of us together some guys said that they were both hot, but conveniently left me out of that. I have anorexia and my mom took some pics of us all hanging out. Today she said "look at those pictures. you look like a 12 year old with two babysitters. they're beautiful and look at you. i don't care if you have to deal with your sad thoughts and shit that sucks but you're an embarrassment to me and antisocial your friends seem to have more fun with each other than with you, you're antisocial i wouldn't wanna be your friend."
I'm really at my wits end. I wish I could sleep the pain away, but it never stops. It will never stop. | 0 | depression |
My life is going downhill and i can’t do it anymore | I feel like absolute shit, i’ve been very depressed and suicidal lately and now my boyfriend broke up with me too and i get it because of his mental health and mine but it hurts so much, we still love eachother but i am scared i will lose him, i always knew i would kill myself if he broke up with me (i know i am a dumbass) and now everything else is going downhill too, i can’t do this anymore but i am too much of a coward to do it. I’ve been crying nonstop since he broke up and i can’t eat anything because o hate my body and i’ve been so nauseous since he broke up. Everything reminds me of him and it hurts so much. It’s not only about him tho, everything sucks, i can’t get a job and i am a disappointment to everyone in my life. I really can’t do it anymore. I don’t even have my meda anymore even though i doubt they would help. I am really thinking about overdosing again but idk if it would work because the other times i tried it didn’t work either. I just hate my life so much and no it doesn’t t better eventually, i’ve been telling myself that forever but whenever it gets a bit better, it gets a lot worse immediately after. I just can’t do it anymore
Edit: this is a throwaway account so the people i know on here don’t know it’s me
Edit 2: i just realised my life literally has no meaning anymore, i have no goals, i am unhappy, i have nothing i enjoy and i just wanna die, i am literally just staying alive for other people | 1 | suicidal |
I was doing sooooo good dude | I was doing so good, the birds all sang in the morning, the aroma of the flowers; I had not been enticed by that smell in such a long time. I had managed to clean my room; got rid of the giant stack of clothes, the water bottle collection and opened up the curtains to let the sun radiate my small lumpy mattress. Lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks from eating right and hitting the gym. Went out of my way to interact with people, like I used to love. I was planning to make a cheesecake with my niece and make strawberry flowers. Then I realized how pointless all THIS is. I’m NEVER going to be happy. I guess that’s just how it goes. Like a swing, bro. Now I’m here indecisive on whether to buy the poison that has released me from the shackles of existence countless other times or return to my prison cell and “face it like a man”. Either way there is no way out. | 0 | depression |
I just swallowed like 15 random pills i have. | Hi everyone, i don't know where to start but i am 23 and i am on my 6th year in college majoring engineering physics. I don't even want to go there. Since i was a kid i am in obsessed with computers and art, but my parents think that they have no future prospect whatsoever. And now i'm 6 year deep in college and failing here and there. My parents are disappointed and angry at me.
Today i skipped an exam because i just can't drag myself to the campus just to at least show up. It felt so horrible and i can't stand it. So i took any meds i have and start swallowing them. All this time i've been cutting but all i can manage is just shallow cuts and then bleed for a few minutes, so today i want to try a new method. I don't know if 15 pills enough but that's all i have on me. I just hope if i don't woke up, my parents can read this, i love you guys, i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment and thanks for everything. | 1 | suicidal |
I’m slipping again | And this time I cant really hide it. The last few times its happened I’ve been able to hide it from my friends beaches I only had two clase with them, but this year I have four. They’ve never really seen me slip into a depression before (in fact they didn’t notice the first time when it was really, really bad) so they’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve started cutting again. They’re not exactly wrong, but its not even ounce every two weeks, and not for the reasons they think (bullying/ people being less than kind). They really don’t know as much about my mental state as they think they do. Should I do something? Is there anything I can do without freaking them out with my suicidal tendencies? | 0 | depression |
Guess who’s back | I knew that wouldn’t last long. Ok story time. You last heard from me saying I’m leaving the sub, now I have a crippling addiction to self harm and want to die because of it. Needless to say I did something wrong.
I’ll explain, I was enjoying some YouTube when I saw “Beautiful?” by illymations. It was a very triggering song for me and I sniped my skin after a year long clean streak ( if you’re confused because I’ve been gone for four months I didn’t cut in that time) and gained a handy dandy addiction. I used anything I could get my hands on, then one day my dog was biting me really hard and I went on the floor crying thinking about how everyone hates me even my dog. Then I really wanted to die every day. I have the same schedule every day, wake up and snooze till I make my lunch, I never eat breakfast, switch t-shirts, bike to school and say hi to the crossing guard, go to each class feeling like garbage and cutting in pe and English, biking home feeling like a failure, eating and being apathetic, doing my homework till I pass out (so like two pages in) waking up and doing more homework then going to bed at 2 then waking up and doing it all again. I became really shady going to target for razor blades at 8 pm and wearing hoodies everywhere.
Now I feel bad for writing this | 1 | suicidal |
I just can't do this... | There are things I'd like to do sure...but this divorce has broken me. I'm tired of crying all day at work. I'm tired if not wanting to get out of bed.
I'd like to try...but I'm not sure I'm capable. My motivation is completely gone. He stole every dream I had and told me to keep walking. Heartless. And I feel heartless now too. Empty. And I just want to stop feeling it. | 1 | suicidal |
To /u/Ryfflex - if you are still out there. Please let me know. | About a year ago I made a post on this subreddit looking for someone to talk to.
A user by the name "Ryfflex" contacted me. We talked, for a couple of months off and on before my life had gotten too busy and I hadn't had time to check up or get back to you.
I know that you were in a very dark place yourself and that you have since deleted your account (you had mentioned it was a throw away) but I just want to know if you are still out there and if you are still 'okay'.
I know you browsed this subreddit a lot and you always checked up on other people and talked to a ton of others, now I want to check up on you.
Hopefully you have made another account, and hopefully you are able to see this. I just want you to know that I am still here to talk to.
Let me know how you are buddy. Hope to hear from you again soon. | 1 | suicidal |
A friend of mine killed himself almost a month ago and I wonder if he did the right thing | at first I was mad, wondering how could he think that his life was worthless enough to choose to kill himself. I mean, I'm depressed too. I know what it means. But he actually did it. He killed himself. He's dead. I have him between my friends on steam and I see the "last logged in" day always getting more far. First two days, then a week, two weeks, four weeks. He's never going to log in again, because he's dead. I wonder if he did the right thing. Life is fucking hard. I should get a job. I should go back to school. I should get a license. I don't want to. There is this sense of doom I feel everywhere I go, everything I do. Things seems so worthless. I'm sorry this is all over the place it's almost 5am and I can't fall asleep | 0 | depression |
Sertraline recovery tips | I was given the disclaimer before starting (50mg, 3 weeks ago) that this wasn’t going to fix every issue in my life, but I’ve been feeling so tired, unhappy and unmotivated. Is there anything I can do in terms of self help? | 0 | depression |
My parents don't take my suicidal thoughts seriously, and my friends act like I'm invisible. I don't know what to do anymore. | Hi, I'm an eighth grader at a magnet school. I have ADD (attention deficit disorder), symptoms of depression, and I'm suicidal. For the past 3 years I've slowly been less and less motivated to do anything, even what I enjoy. I just want to go to sleep forever and forget about all the stress of school and a difficult social life. I get very stressed over school as the stakes go up, and my mom is constantly reminding me that I'll be a failure if I get too many B's. It doesn't help that my friends began ignoring me more and more when we started middle school with new, better people to hang out with than me. I'm treated like a tag-along now. My former best friends only talk to me and listen when they're bored and nobody else is there to talk to. I started having thoughts of suicide near the end of seventh grade, but it's really gotten worse this year as more is expected of me and my friends cast me further away.
I decided to finally talk to someone this year, since my previous hints of needing help went unnoticed by my mom. On a day where I felt very low mentally, I told my mom I was suicidal. I broke down crying, and she hugged me. However, she said, "Don't EVER even think about killing yourself. Do you know what that would do to me?" I was a little upset about her reaction, as she seemed more concerned about herself. But I kept telling her more. I told her about how I thought I had depression, and she dismissed it as "stress" and said it would stop if i started to be positive. I was taken aback by this. I love my mother a lot, but she's never been good at giving advice or helping with my mental health. I got mad at her and began yelling about her never understanding or helping with my feelings. I was a little too extreme, but the anger was not irrational. She yelled back something about her trying to help with the grief counselor (1. She didn't help very much. 2. She was there to help us deal with grief over a family death, and she didn't help with my suicidalness). What made me feel worthless was when she yelled, "What do you want me to do about it?" and told her I wanted her there for me to talk to and she went on about my grades, what have I told you, learn to deal with your emotions better, etc. I ran off crying to continue my homework. A few minutes later she came in with her phone and my dad was on a call. She had told him. She was mad about me not focusing on my homework and I needed to hurry it up and finish and stop crying. I kept crying, upset she didn't help, and a few minutes later my dad arrives. He was upset that I wasn't working on the project and "wasting time". I kept crying until he started yelling to stop crying. I stopped, tears welling in my eyes. I love my dad too, but he can't control his anger very well, and he follows his parent's ways of discipline, which is what he grew up with. As he lectured me I started clawing my arm to calm myself like I always do. He noticed me leaving scars on my arm and got angrier. He told me to stop and said this: "Do you want me to do it for you?" This really upset me, but I said nothing to avoid an argument. He got me to finish the project. He said he cared about me and loved me, and he left. No discussion of my mental state. My mom called him when i started crying later and he wasn't mad this time. He told me to go to sleep and feel better. I didn't feel better when I slept.
I just needed to get all that out.... I've been considering suicide a lot, and I know there's "help everywhere" like hotlines and such, but it won't help. I need people I care about to talk to. I lost my grandma in December of 2018 to cancer. She listened and cared. I have no one I know of now. My friends don't listen, and I feel like they think I talk about sad stuff too much. I just need to know what to do, because I honestly don't know anymore. The people I care about most can't help me, and I feel worthless. I never know what to talk about, and when i get to talk for once, my friends look at me different than they do at other friends. They look lost, bored, and like they want me to hurry up and get it over with. Then they go back to talking to the other people. I just need some advice... if you read this whole vent then you are an amazing person and I hope you have a wonderful day. | 0 | depression |
Letter from my girlfriend | ​
My girlfriend wrote me this letter and agreed to share it here...
​
Letter to my depressed lover.
I see you. I know you’re in there. The man who loved and sought joy, the man who felt
deserving of happiness. He is blindfolded, held hostage, cold and chained in a windowless
basement, by a tyrant who thrives off suffering. At times it feels like there is no hope, at
times it feels like there is no escape. You are weakened, the exhaustion has taken over your
body, your mind and your soul, you question whether you’ll ever be strong enough to fight
this mighty tyrant, to escape from his grip, out of the darkness. Will you ever be able to feel
the sun stroking your skin again? Will you ever see the light again? Will you ever feel love
again?
Why are you here? How did you get here? You never asked for this, no one would.
A tyrant is an illegitimate ruler who controls through oppression. Tyranny is not fair, it is not
understanding, and it is cruel. The tyrant wants to weaken you until you have no choice but
to succumb, he will brainwash you until you come to terms with his reign, until you are no
longer a threat to him. The tyrant wants you to think that he is too strong to ever beat, too
mighty to outthink, too present to escape.
But let me tell you something about Tyrants. Anger, hate, always stems from fear, and pain.
Behind every tyrant is a hurt child. Behind every tyrant is a voice that was once unheard, a
heart that was once broken, eyes that were once blinded. The tyrant doesn’t want you to
see the light, because the light was once taken from him, he doesn’t want you to know love,
because love was once taken from him, and he wants you to hurt, because he hurts.
But how can tyranny be defeated? When tyranny is defeated by force, it often just paves
the way for another form of tyranny. You don’t want to kill your tyrant, you’ll be left with
blood on your hands and trauma in your soul, if you kill you’ll have to hide, and what is the
point of fighting your way out of the darkness, just to make your way into another form of
darkness?
No. Your tyrant won’t be defeated by force. He will be defeated by love, and I know that
your love is strong enough to turn him around.
The man that I love finds joy in the little things, the touch of the grass against his feet, the
sight of birds in the trees, the sound of a stick falling on icy water. The man that I love is
surprising, he is unapologetically original, passionate, and doted of a natural humour. The
man that I love is caring and has an emotional intelligence that can make anyone around
him feel seen, heard, and loved. The man that I love is wise, he can offer advice that you
never knew you needed, and he can be the ray of sunshine in anyone’s day. The man that I
love will lighten up entire rooms and soothe even your deepest worries with care and
attention. The man that I love, can love so strongly, so unconditionally, so powerfully, that
he can make anyone’s darkness fade away. So, if anyone is going to bring this tyrant down,
it will be the man that I love.
Love can make your tyrant feel seen, it can make him feel comfortable enough to talk,
comfortable enough to tell you about what pain led him to tyranny. When faced with love,
with a powerful, unconditional love, and an acceptance that is free of all judgment, your
​
tyrant will be able to start facing up to his actions, he will be able to start realising that all
along he was causing you to suffer for reasons that had nothing to do with you, they were
never your fault, he was only causing you to suffer, because he was suffering. When that
realisation will spring upon him, he will remove your blindfold and you will see that you are
facing yourself. But don’t worry, it’s just a mask the tyrant originally wore to trouble you, he
won’t wish to do that anymore though, he’ll unchain you and remove his mask, and you will
realise that all along, your tyrant was only a child. Suddenly the anger you felt towards your
tyrant will vanish, because you are a man who is fair, just and loving, you are a man who
doesn’t believe in punishment nor revenge, you are a man who can forgive. You are a man
who can recognise when a child simply needs to be held, loved and nurtured.
So you will take the child’s hand. At first, he will be fearful, he has been hurt before, who’s
to say that you won’t hurt him? But you will give him your word, you will promise him that
he is safe with you, and deep in your heart, you will know that you are telling the truth. The
child will weep in your arms, and you will hold him tighter, you will tell him that he is loved,
he is heard, he is seen, and that from this moment forward, he will never be alone.
You will come out of the basement with the child, hand in hand. And although at first it will
feel like a relief, it won’t be easy. You haven’t seen the sun in so long, its light will feel
blinding and uncomfortable, your body will still feel weak, and as you’ll barely feel able to
look after yourself, you’ll start to wonder how you could possibly look after this child? But
you will surprise yourself. Through the small pleasures you once enjoyed, such as feeling the
cool grass underneath your feet, you will find strength. Enough strength to lift yourself up,
carry the child, and start walking. It will be challenging, and you’ll worry that each step
might be your last step, you’ll worry that you might fall and never find the strength to get
back up, but you’ll keep putting a foot in front of the other, until it starts to feel natural.
Eventually you’ll look up and realise that the sun isn’t as blinding as it was when you first
came out, you’ll see a path, and you’ll know how to get home.
On your way home, you will worry that bringing this child back might be too much of a
burden for me. What if I don’t want him? What if I don’t love him? After all he was once a
tyrant, how could I love him? And what if I don’t even love you anymore? You’ve been gone
for so long, what if I’ve stopped waiting? What if I’ve given up? What if I’ve found someone
else? What if I just end up hurting you and the child more than you’ve both already been
hurt?
But all this time, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been worrying, I’ve been crying, you
disappeared so suddenly I never understood what had happened. I made it my mission to
find you, I was up day and night trying to save you, I called on you a thousand times, I
searched for clues in every corner, I even tried to negotiate with your tyrant, but to no avail,
it only angered him more. I tried to get help, but no one could help me, and in the end, I was
left weakened. That’s when I realised that I was exhausting myself, and I wasn’t helping you.
So I did the only thing I could do. I stopped trying to save you and trusted that you would be
able to save yourself, and as I waited for you to do that, I held our space, I nourished our
space so that you could come back to a loving and nurturing home, one where you could
one day feel whole again and heal.
​
When you come home, I will welcome your little boy with open arms, and love him, just as I
learned to love the little girl who once held me hostage in a basement. The truth is I already
know your little boy, I’ve seen him in your shadows, and I’ve already grown to love him. You
also know my little girl, she has been living in our home throughout our entire relationship.
She has loved you as much as I have, and although at first she was afraid of you, she was
afraid that you would hurt her, she grew to love you, and she learned to trust you. When
you were gone for so long, she began to worry, she worried that perhaps you would never
come back, she worried that perhaps you didn’t want to come back to us, perhaps you
wanted another home, a different home, perhaps you had stopped loving us.
But I reassured her, and I told her about the love that we shared, the hours and days we
spent looking into each other’s eyes, as time stood still and the world around us vanished,
and we questioned, every day, how we could be so lucky. Our love is the truest love I’ve
ever known, our love is the deepest love I’ve ever known, and I know that a love like ours,
never just goes away.
One day my little girl will meet your little boy, and they will love each other as much as we
love each other, the four of us will build a home so whole, that all our fears will be replaced
by trust, our anger will be replaced by love, and tyranny will be nothing but a distant
memory.
This isn’t going to happen overnight, we don’t want you to exhaust yourself trying to come
home, we don’t want you to run and fall, we want you to make wise and calculated steps, so
that you can slowly but surely come back to us.
If I could, I would be in the basement with you, but you don’t want me there, and if I force
myself into the basement, my little girl will turn into a tyrant again and our home will
collapse. So although I’m not in the darkness with you, know that I can still see you, and I
am still here, holding our fort, waiting for you to find the strength to love your tyrant
unconditionally, so that you can bring him home for us to nurture and heal him, so that he
can learn to fearlessly trust both of us. | 0 | depression |
I kinda need advice? | So these past few months my mental health has been getting worse and I don’t know if it’s because of these two friends I have, because I don’t want to put all the blame on them. So I met one of them at the beginning of the school year and the other one I’ve known for a while but we never really talked and they were really nice to me and we had lots of fun hanging out after school since we were on the same bus. But as time went on they kinda got mean? One of them would sometimes slap me or punch me in the stomach but when I would stand up for myself they would be like I’m over reacting or something. The other one just confuses me since one day she would be praising me saying “you’re so smart” “ how are you so good at everything” then the next day she’ll be like “ you’re so fucking dumb you’re and idiot” “aren’t you smart so like you’re supposed to know that” “don’t you even know fucking anything” just to make it clear I never really liked having those types of compliments since it made me uncomfortable since it’s like what if I all of a sudden don’t meet their expectations or something. I feel like my “problem” is just me overreacting but I’ve been trying to distance myself but on the bus while they’re next to me I can hear them talking shit about me. I keep to myself around them I don’t talk to them but they still talk to me asking why are you ignoring us. Again I’m probably just overreacting but I just need advice on what I should do since I’ve been getting more anxious and what they say about me gets to my head sometimes. (Sorry I’m not really good on explaining things so if this get confusing sorry) :( | 0 | depression |
I hate myself | I hate myself so much
It hurts
I hate my body
Life is suffering
I feel deprresed and angry
And there is person i hate so much i fucking hate him omgg | 0 | depression |
I was told I am going to die early. I’m neither motivated or defeated. | I have been clinically depressed for 3 years. Actually, it’s just been pushing through and demanding solitude because I’ve run out of people to talk to.
I have heart disease but Ihave slowly been losing weight and eating better. My doctor asked me the routine questions:
“What degree are you graduating with?”
“Is there good money in that? Enough to buy a home?”
Then she says
“It doesn’t matter what degree you get, if you become an engineer, or how much money you plan on getting. You’ll be dead so early that you won’t be able to even attempt to achieve or enjoy any of it”
She was not authorized to give her personal opinion. Some part of me wants her to be right. | 0 | depression |
Need advice | So for the last two years I thought I had depression. A few days ago I was diagnosed with depression. I'm starting to think I don't have depression and I'm just a bitch and I don't know how to tell if that's the case. The weirdest thing is, over the last month I've been increasingly feeling well. My life is shit becausd I missed lits of school and so I worry a lot, but that's normal. Other than that I feel.. fine. I don't feel depressed. Could it be that this is temporary or does this mean I don't have depression. The other thing is I was given pills but the thing is I don't want to take pills that might fuck me if I'm feeling ok atm. Advice?????? I need to make some decisions fast | 0 | depression |
What is the point of living? | 8 months ago, the love of my life left me. I put everything I had into salvaging the relationship, but in the end even offering to uproot my whole life for her, it wasn't enough. I sunk really low, but I had a friend who helped me through it and did everything in his power to help me out. I went to theropy for a bit but found it far more stressful than useful, so I turned to self help books. I started to think more positively, have a bit, more confidence in my self, and felt like I genuinely self improved. That countied until a few days ago. I got rejected by someone I really cared about, and it didn't go well.
After farther reflection, I haven't made progress on any of the goals I set to fix myself, even though I put in all my effort. My little confidence I gained is shattered. For the last few days, I have though about sueicde a lot, to the point where I don't go into work anymore because there is no point. That friend I had has moved up in life, to the point where I feel if I reach out to him I will just be a burden anyways. I am not close to my family at all, and if they knew I was depressed they would tell me to suck it up. I don't believe in religion, it's likely we live in a computer simulation so nothing will matter if I go. I am going to die alone, so why wait for it to happen naturally? | 1 | suicidal |
Venting. | Hi. I have had a bit of a rough day and honestly it feels like my thoughts are actually killing me. So I really feel like I need to express my feelings right now.
So my thoughts are just gonna be thrown out there so without further ado....
I think I suck. At everything...my job, having friends, just...everything really. It honestly feels like I cannot just work like a human being.
Now don't get me wrong, i don't hate life. I have things I rather love about life such as my family and my job including the people I work with.
And everyone keeps telling me how "nice" and "good" I am at my job such as winning a rather "employee of the month" sorta thing but as strange as this seems....
I struggle to believe them. Now of course I'm not calling them liars I just find it to hard to believe. I know that sounds rather stupid but I honestly just can't help feel this way.
As I said I truly love my job and everyone there but that is honestly where most of my self esteem comes from so constantly thinking I'm horrible at it is obviously not a good cycle.
Now as for everything else apart from my job, well I will just break it down like this:
I'm at overweight, ugly, shy, embarssing and awkward guy that honestly anyone could cringe at talking to. And of course I'm trying to overcome some of these things like the overweight part but...I'm honestly losing hope at this point and it's giving thoughts of doing something silly to my self.
Sorry about this silly dump of self pity but I actually couldn't think of what else to do.
Thanks for reading and have a good rest day. | 0 | depression |
i’m killing myself when I get home from school tomorrow | i’m just so tired. it feels like the only rational decision at this point. im never ever going to feel relief. i’m stupid, i’m unreliable, i’m trapped. i feel so trapped all the time. life is just a cage. i want to sleep. i think i’ll finish up writing notes and go to bed. hell, if everyone’s asleep by then i’ll just pour myself a cup of bleach and i’ll be dead in the morning. i just hope everything’s over soon | 1 | suicidal |
I can't take this anymore | I can't fcking take this any longer, this post probably won't help me much but I'm so desperate that I'll try anything to have a glimpse of hope. I'm so confused that I can't even write a proper text begging for help, a very simple act can become so complex and overwhelming to me.
I'll try to write this as coherent as possible but since english isn't my main language and I seem to have lost all my intelligence, so please forgive me if It starts getting confusing.
So basically, I have no idea what to do, my depression is getting so bad that I don't see any other way out besides ending it all. I feel no pleasure what so ever, not even masturbating gives me any pleasure. I feel like shit on a daily basis, from overwhelming sadness, anxiety and rage to paranoia, overwhelming suicidal thoughts and even homicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt anyone besides myself thought. I'm such a failure, I'm 18 and still a virgin, I'm fat and all the freaking times I joined the gym I found myself just giving up weeks later. I have no social skills, or better yet no skills AT ALL. All my life I was illuded by my teachers, parents and friends into thinking that I was smarter than average, and the worst thing is that was the only good thing I saw on me, but I'm not smart at all, I'm just a dumb piece of shit. I tried everything I could to treat my depression but nothing seems to work, meditation (minimum of 30 minutes per day), medication (multiple antipsychotics, antidepressants and benzodiazepines), psychedelic drugs (LSD, magic mushrooms, DMT, you name it I probably tried it). I go to a psychologist and psychiatrist but I feel no better, probably worse than when it all started, the worst part is that I don't even remember when and how it started. Now I wouldn't say I abuse drugs that much, I mainly smoke a bit of weed every now and then, mostly weekends, and regarding psychedelics I done them rarely and with every bit of damage reduction I could think of, perhaps I did indeed disrespect them a bit (mostly taking them without prior planning leading to uncomfortable sets and settings) since I can't enjoy them anymore, I panic and my mind instantly tells me to take xanax or any benzo I can get my hands on. However I DID abuse Xanax, so much so that I ended up on the hospital a couple times for taking too much of it and blacking out, while in school which just fucked my reputation in school. My friends tried to help me as much as they could, but my mind is so fucked and confused that nothing seems to help. This text is getting long but I still have so much to say, I'll try to not make it too long so you don't get bored quickly. My grades are down the hill, I'm currently in 12th grade and about to fail, and honestly I CAN'T stand another year at that school, I rather hang myself than go through that again, specially since I live in an isolated island in the middle of nowhere and resources are very limited here, there's nothing to do here and there's no chance I'm getting a girlfriend here (or anywhere to be honest, nobody would love a fat piece of shit like me).
Life is unbearable, I see no reason to stay alive, all I do all day is playing fcking LoL and let me tell you I hate that game so much, makes my blood boil and gives me urges to just cut my wrists. I can't make basic math/physics/chemistry/etc.. which just makes me feel even worst, cuz I need it to get to college, but I don't understand shit in school, since I can't study or focus, my mind just bombards me with horrible thoughts that echo in my mind till I put myself to sleep, I have no control over my mind anymore. I started learning guitar, and ended up giving up. I tried to learn how to program, but It's too overwhelming and I'm starting to lose any motivation I had for it (not that I had much motivation in general).
Here's some backstory, when I was a kid I got shot in my eye with a air pressure carabine, which left me with about 10% vision on said eye, made me get fat cuz I couldn't do exercise for about 2-3 years and I ended up getting a bad lifestyle in general, all day in computer playing games. This combined with more trauma I went throught and my midly toxic family, lead to me becoming the disgusting person I could think of. I know this is getting too much information and confusing please forgive me, I'm retarded.
Right now all I can think of is how to kill myself, I've tried it before with pills but ended up failing, so this time I'm thinking of hanging myself, and will do it eventually.
Just thinking of all this makes my blood boil, I Hate life so much, I hate my fucking family, I hate my fucking school, I hate myself, I wanna shoot myself in the head and end it all. | 1 | suicidal |
It was too good to be true... | Previously I posted in r/Assistance that I got out of debt reselling stuff... Everything was going very well until I wanted to make an order for things I already got paid for. Accidentally deposited to a phishing site that looked and acted exactly like the original one. Now instead of being 2000 USD in debt, I'm in 12000 USD debt.
And yesterday was my first suicide attempt... It would be successfull if my dad didn't come early from work. Five more minutes and I'd be dead. I don't know if it's good I didn't die. | 1 | suicidal |
favourite things when stuck in bed | hey there everybody,
you know when you can't get out of bed for days at a time, well what's your favourite thing to do while stuck in bed?
i like to sleep. it's weird but when i'm depressed i don't listen to music much. except music that makes me feel nostalgic, occasionally. normally when my depression shifts into a more passive state i listen to lots of music. lots of youtube but that's not terribly stimulating though | 0 | depression |
Help me get out! | I’m in kind of a hole. Almost 4 months of no work now. All i do is get high. I don’t go out with friends anymore. I don’t leave the house anymore, only to buy weed. I’ve gotten kind of anxious of people. And very very bitter in general.
Does anyone relate? Do you have any tips of how to get out of this?
I’m in therapy. And i promise myself every night that tomorrow will be different, but that usually only lasts like a day or two and then I go back into bed. | 0 | depression |
Drinking keeps me alive | It used to be something I did once every couple weeks at a party when I was a teen. Now it makes me happy. I love waking up still hungover with brain fog. It gives me this fuzzy feeling I used to feel with my SO. I know it’s terrible for me. I still work out but that only gives me an hour high. I’ve realized if I’m sober my thoughts consume me and when I’m drunk everything’s ok. My family and friends wonder how I do it but I guess I like the depressing hungover feeling. | 0 | depression |
I attempted last night and lived | This a a follow up [to this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdojaj/killing_myself_right_after_i_post_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) because there were a lot of you who left really supportive comments and messages. I appreciate it. I’m in the hospital and will lose my phone soon, but wanted everyone to know that I didn’t die, unfortunately. I will die by suicide someday, but not today. Thanks. I’m not as alone as I thought. | 1 | suicidal |
SARS-CoV2 | Is it bad that I kind of want to just catch the virus already? I have a lot of health conditions and if I die from the virus, oh well it was tragic. Just get it over with. My odds of getting it are pretty high anyway, seeing that I live in the epicenter of the US outbreak and have to go out in public for work.
I’m already a burden to everyone around me. I’m an inconvenience and my pain is over dramatic. I don’t have the right to complain and don’t want to annoy those around me by saying anything or accidentally letting on that something is up. The way I feel is disproportionate to the severity of my problems and I should be over it. Dying by COVID-19 would solve that, honestly. I don’t really want to die, especially not from suffocation and pneumonia, but it feels inevitable right now.
Sorry for the rant. If you read to the end, have a good night and wash your hands. Maybe it’ll end this thing sooner. | 1 | suicidal |
I need help. I dont want to talk about it to any suicide hotline, to anyone i know. | Oh no, its a relationship one i know...
Seems so cliché.
but what happens right now just made me take a kitchen knife and go to the bedroom alone.
i know she wont check until morning.
if i don’t make a sound she won’t notice.
I wish it was easier. Cutting yourself is one of the least reliable methods. The other ones are too much effort. | 1 | suicidal |
I'm drinking myself to death and it is causing my family to be upset | The reason I drink is to self medicate because I saw my friend pass away in a car accident when I was 19. We were both stupid and I challenged him to a race using our parents cars. Basically, he understeered into a tree. I have tried therapy but it didn't work for me. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I stopped taking my prescription because it didn't work for me. I feel that I have blood on my hands because I was the one who made him do it.
My parents and grandfather came to me and told me that they were worried about my drinking problem. I sometimes drink a bottle of Vodka a day. I just want to drink myself to death because I'm too scared of killing myself. My granddad tried to relate to the situation by telling me about the things he was in Vietnam. I walked out because I was upset about everything. I now think that I was out of order and I would do anything to apologise. But at the same time, I feel that they shouldn't have bought my grandfather along because he is getting Parkinsons disease so I don't want him to worry about me as well. | 1 | suicidal |
am I suicidal? | hi. I'm not sure if this is one of those things where if you have to ask it then there is a definite answer, but I'm not sure if what I experience is truly suicidal thoughts.
when I don't feel sad I become very thankful and when I try to express to God thanks for what he has given me, I feel guilty for spending my time self harming or being self destructive. I feel I'll never be able to truly convey how thankful I am for what he's given me and I'm back to square one, just wishing I was never born so I wouldn't have these thoughts and emotions.
I don't really care about anything and many of my thoughts are just wishing I could disappear or wishing I was "less" in every possible way. I want to not be alive so I don't feel the emotions I feel. I do not often contemplate different ways to kill myself, it is moreso just wishing I wasn't born in the first place or hoping someday something else will happen to me that makes this decision for me.
the majority of my thoughts are wishing I was dead or never born, and even when I'm happy I just wish I could stop feeling and the answer to that to me is death. is the way I'm feeling considered suicidal?
thank you for reading. any comment will be appreciated and answered. | 1 | suicidal |
Grief Therapy/Process Group | Another thing. My mom recommended I consider a grief therapy group or just a normal therapy group. I don't think I'm still grieving but I might be. I was in a process group many times, but I only sometimes felt okay with it.
Some of the others had an idea of what I deal with, as far as crippling depression and at the time, a bad home life. But they didn't have DID or BPD. At this point it's either one 🤦♂️. And the therapists, it didn't seem like they really knew how to help, like maybe they have had a personality case before but not on my level.
I'm actually considering getting back into a group. Who knows, maybe this time they can actually help. I'm trying to not be so closed off. That's how it gets worse. Start shifting personalities and when I interact with my mom or anyone calling me, it's me but not me. Hope that makes sense.
Hope you guys are having a comfortable day, sending good vibes your way. | 0 | depression |
[Advice please] I feel like I'm stuck in fog and I can't work out which way to go | Hi,
First post on this sub in a while but I'm at a loss of what to do
I'm so fed up of feeling numb and tired and like I don't want to exist and my brain is so fogged that I cant think straight
I'm trying everything - taking the pills, doing the therapy, seeking advice and just nothing seems to be helping
I don't like my job, but I also don't want to resign without anything else lined up and all of the experts and forums and advice systems just suggest trying to 'think in a more positive manner' and I'm really trying but it just feels hopeless, I get 5 minutes of 'maybe this will be OK!' then immediately back to the grey reality
I've started applying for new jobs as my current manager has suggested that we get through year end then if I'm still feeling the same way then perhaps I should look elsewhere
so I kind of don't see the point in actually trying until year end as if I'm not staying then who am I impressing?
I have a 1:1 later so I guess I'll find out if it's time to leave
​
has anyone had this ? can anyone help?
sorry just a brain dump
cheers | 0 | depression |
My Last Week On Earth | The reasons why:
- Severe depression. No cure and never getting better.
- 30 year old virgin. Still don't know how to make friends or talk to girls.
- Not able to focus myself and get into the field I want...so stuck at crappy jobs.
- About to be fired from crappy job #9 for being late too much. (Late almost every day cause I can't sleep nd can't get myself out of bed in the morning)
- Massive debt due to school loans, car repairs, and me being stupid.
- Bank account at $-111. Could have afforded the make the account positive today if the bank would waive the fees one more day. But they won't so I can't.
Basically I can't manage time, money, sleep, or a social life. So I'm calling it here...game over.
I get paid Friday.
Going to buy a gun.
Gonna make sure my cat has plenty of food and water, and someone to take her when I'm gone.
Treat myself to whatever I want for the best last meal i can afford.
Going to get drunk as hell.
And end it all.
The End.
Fade to black.
No more pain. | 1 | suicidal |
getting bullied for painful crippling disease, going to gun stores regularly | When I was in the 10th grade I started to lose my memory and developed painful symptoms in my limbs, I immediately knew it was extremely serious and possibly terminal. Every few months I would get more sick and it has remained that way for the past 6 years I have been getting worse every few months.
My disease has become so severe that I cannot continue school or study from cognitive impairment, I can barely eat anything without getting pain and it is impossible to gain any weight.I can barely walk outside because of shortness of breath, I cannot leave the house in the summer.the disease is extremely painful and disabling every day is a battle with pain, and controlling symptoms.
several doctors have diagnosed me with a neurological disease which they say is untreatable and not curable.
so for the past few weeks I have been visiting gun shops while I lie to my parents and tell them I am going to the gym.
everyone treats me like crap especially my parents.
my body has reached its physical limits, I cannot endure any more pain from the disease it is impossible, so I am going to buy guns and kill myself. | 1 | suicidal |
Is there anyone to talk to. Want to kill myself. | Most days I feel like I want to kill my self. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes. I spoke to the well being people yesterday but it wasn't any help and it 3 months waiting to talk to some one over the phone | 1 | suicidal |
it was fun while it lasted | tragic how we can just fall apart, we’ll see if i can make it through tomorrow. i’m trying i think | 1 | suicidal |
Suicide | I came up with 4 ways I can go...
1) overdose
2) by cop
3) by bridge
4) by train | 1 | suicidal |
Attempted, stopped midway through | Yesterday I attempted suicide but stopped midway through (you could say chickened out?). Anyhow, I felt really drowsy immedietely after and went to sleep. Woke up this morning with terrible headache, nausea and cold sweats. I've thrown up twice in the past couple of hours. Had to miss class because of this and honestly I'm really worried about failing. I can't eat anything without throwing up. So I am just lying in bed munching on gummies because that's all I can stomach right now. | 1 | suicidal |
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