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Ayush-Singh

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jokes-sft

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Can you share a joke?

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

I want to hear a joke.

There once was an algebraic instructionswoman who did not rinse out her mouth The function of Listerine to her breath varied inversely, as the function of Listerine went undefined throughout the year.

Give me a joke.

Went to the doctors and told him l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked how does your wife feel about it? I said she took it on the chin the first time but now its getting on her tits...

Share a funny joke.

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French? Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum. But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

Got any jokes?

An owl and a mouse are sitting on a branch when a farmer walks by below. The owl turns to the mouse and says nothing. Because owls can't speak. The owl then eats the mouse because it's a bird of prey.

Make me laugh with a joke.

What did the dentist witness after he gassed the rabbi? **jews laughter** The punchline is more of a visual joke, based upon where the reader places the "s." To my knowledge, this is an original joke.

Any good jokes?

Light a man a fire... Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man afire and he'll be warm the rest of his life. (I know it's a repost, but I've never seen the play on words, shame)

What's a funny joke you know?

Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon [hope you can decrypt it]

Can you share a joke?

A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?" The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender." Edit: Grammar.

Can you share a joke?

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer.

Got any jokes?

"Would you like to put your hand deep into this hole" - Pokemon I know it says no outside links but it's necessary cause it's a screenshot of a poorly phrased event in Pokemon http://imgur.com/a/Zt8X6

Do you know any jokes?

I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water. "You're drunk, aren't you?" said a disappointed voice behind me. "What makes you say that, honey?" I asked. She said, "This isn't your house."

Tell me a joke.

Be serious with unknown girls. Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away*

What's a funny joke you know?

Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."

Give me a joke.

Jehovah's Witness I was just wondering...........if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door..... does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

Give me a joke.

A dad walks into his son's room... A dad walks into his son's room and says: "Son, how many times have I told you... If you keep masturbating, you'll go blind." The son responds: "Dad! I'm over here."

Give me a joke.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...

Do you know any jokes?

The oldest joke I know A girl with no arms or legs was sad on the beach. A man walked up and asked what was wrong. She said she'd never been fucked. He threw her in the water and said, "Now ur fucked"

Share a funny joke.

I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....

I want to hear a joke.

I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

Any good jokes?

A while back I was walking through the woods and found a body... He must have gotten stuck in a bear trap or something. I never told anyone about it but I came back about a week later and he was dead.

Make me laugh with a joke.

What do you call a Deer with... No eyes?: **No idea** No eyes and no legs?: **Still no idea** No eyes and no legs, having sex? **Still f*cking no idea** And where do you find it? **Where you left it**

Make me laugh with a joke.

New twist on an old joke (long) Don't know if this is the right place for this but I think fellow joke-lovers will think it's amazing. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar

Do you know any jokes?

My dad would always say this, I don't know if this classifies as a joke, but it's funny I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Also: That smell could knock a buzzard off a shitpile

Do you know any jokes?

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Canadian person was smarter

Can you share a joke?

The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH! I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero! Joke by Matt Donaher

Tell me a joke.

[NSFW]A more honest retelling of John F. Kennedy's famous quote on lunar exploration. "We choose to go to the moon, and Marilyn Monroe's bedroom, because it is easy and because I am hard." JFK - 1961.

Can you share a joke?

Because Nickleback sucks too.... So Avril Lavigne is Married to a fellow Canadian, who is a band member of Nickleback.... Apparently Canada does not have laws against same suck marriage. ba dump bump!

What's a funny joke you know?

A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men... ...who tear her clothes apart and start to rape and molest her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.

I want to hear a joke.

Two guys are walking down the street........ .....and come upon a dog, licking his balls. The first guy says to the second guy, "I wish I could do that!". The second guy says, "That dog'll bite you!".

Can you share a joke?

I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer....... but I just thought that must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me!!!" "I'm so sorry."

Share a funny joke.

My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings... ...he is an ex-tractor fan.

Share a funny joke.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Do you know any jokes?

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

Do you know any jokes?

Official Pirate Week! 19/5-25/5 It seems as if we're doing pirates, so we might as well have an official pirate week. Normal jokes are ok, but also lots of Pirate themed ones. Arrrbitrary Piratejokes!

Tell me a joke.

A thimble, a battleship, a car, a wheelbarrow, a top hat, a dog, a shoe, and an iron walk into a bar... The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here, can't be part of a Monopoly."

What's a funny joke you know?

So I go in for my physical... And the doctor says "I need a semen, stool, and urine sample." I say "Gee doc, I'm in a big hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?" *Taken from Bill Paxton in Predator 2.*

What's a funny joke you know?

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.

Tell me a joke.

My girlfriend might not appriciate this. Me: I've got something to tell you. Gf: Don't say that makes me anxious. Me: I've got a date. Gf: ??? Me: http://imgur.com/GeYB7xY Still to hear back from her.

Do you know any jokes?

So a homeless man comes up to us... "If I tell you a funny joke, would you pay me a quarter?" My pal from Rhode Island say in a thick northeastern accent: "I gotta funny joke fo' yah... Yah homeless."

What's a funny joke you know?

Can anyone explain this joke for me? I just don't get it, so it is either meant to be absurd/nonsensical or I am missing historical context: Q:What do you know about Damascus? A:It kills 99% of germs.

Can you share a joke?

Two quick jokes How do you make a dog go meow? Freeze it in a block of ice an run it through a band-saw... MMMEEEOOOOWWWW! How do you make a cat go woof? Pour kerosene on it an drop a match... WOOOFF!

Tell me a joke.

How many Freudians does it take to change my mother? Edit: Sorry, I mean light bulb.   A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to hold my dick.   Edit: Dang. I mean the ladder.

Give me a joke.

3 guys just arrived to heaven and... 3 guys just arrived to heaven and then Jesus proceeds to call by their names: - "Rand" kiss my hand! - "Pete" kiss my feet! Then Jesus: Rick!? Why are you running?

Got any jokes?

Chinese takeout My wife has been angry at me all night for bringing her six bowls of soup back from the local Chinese restaurant. I don't know what her deal is, she very clearly asked for wanton soup.

What's a funny joke you know?

Playing the long game. some months back I planted lettuce in my garden. yesterday I was making dinner and asked my girlfriend to go pick some lettuce. she said "why?" I said "just Cos" ba dum tisssssh

Share a funny joke.

New Game Here's a new game we can all play! You have to use a long mallet to hit frozen potato treats through hoops on a field. All while dressed as a frontiersman I call it Croquette Crockett Croquet

Tell me a joke.

Gets pulled over. Cop: You know the left lane is just for passing. And you were driving in it for the past 3 miles without passing a single car. Me: Oh yeah I know, that's why we're passing the blunt.

Can you share a joke?

A man walked into a lodge in Yellowstone National Park. 'Can you give me a room and bath?' he asked the clerk. 'I can give you a room' the clerk said. 'But you'll have to take the bath by yourself!'

What's a funny joke you know?

An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

Do you know any jokes?

Un Deux Trois A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"

Do you know any jokes?

A very large woman was walking her dog... and as she walked by I said "nice pig," she looked at me with a puzzled face and said "that's no pig, it's my dog." I replied with "I was talking to the dog."

What's a funny joke you know?

Did you hear about the lady lawyer who went to her gynecologist? The gynecologist said, " Let's use this device to spread your vagina." The lawyer shouts, "I object! Calls for speculation!" I'll go...

I want to hear a joke.

Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

Got any jokes?

On Fred's 17th birthday his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car the father said "Just one thing Fred. If you're going to hit anything make sure it's cheap."

Give me a joke.

I was on a date with a girl last night... She told me she had an eating disorder. I looked at her solemnly for a minute and then asked her very nicely: "So are you gonna eat 'dis order of fries then?"

Do you know any jokes?

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?" Second fella says "A kilt of course!" First fella "What's the tartin?" "She's wearing white" says his pal

Give me a joke.

Pair of Twins I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?". I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..." "..and Derek has a moustache"

I want to hear a joke.

I was sitting in the library... I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"

Can you share a joke?

So I'm ordering a coffee... I tell the barista, "French Roast, two sugars, no cream." The barista responds, "I'm sorry sir we're all out of cream, would you like your coffee without any milk instead?"

I want to hear a joke.

Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

What's a funny joke you know?

I don't understand why ISIS is such a big deal. All we have to do is parachute in Chuck Norris, and within a month they will all be dead... It can't be done faster since he fights with his bare hands.

Make me laugh with a joke.

A city boy was on his first camping trip. He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along. 'It smells like rain' he said to the boy. The city boy replied 'They said it was lemonade.'

Can you share a joke?

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?" "Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked. "No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

What's a funny joke you know?

A king gets murdered in his sleep... Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

Tell me a joke.

Amish jokes Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady? She had two Mennonite I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter

Give me a joke.

A lady was looking for a turkey... A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

What's a funny joke you know?

Pro-life or Pro-choice? I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice. Damn...

Can you share a joke?

Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?

Tell me a joke.

I wanted to put an England flag in my garden... I wanted to put an England flag in my garden but wasn't sure if it would offend muslim extremists. So I wrote 'Allah is a twat' on it just to make sure.

Any good jokes?

I don't get this joke. Can someone explain it to me? My sister's fiance is so short that he has trouble playing computer games. The only way he can reach the keyboard is if he lies flat on the ground.

Do you know any jokes?

I always ask my dad for help Whenever I ask my dad for help with something, he always tells me that I'm a faggot and how should already have a job. I only 30 years old dad, there are child labor laws.

What's a funny joke you know?

Why are iPhones' batteries not called apple juice Because they don't have enough juice in them ^Explanation: ^circlejerk ^on ^iPhone's ^battery ^running ^out ^fast don't kill me pls, i love apple ^yay

Make me laugh with a joke.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. So the bear says to the rabbit: "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Give me a joke.

A dad and his son are getting competitive while playing Smash Bros. The dad says: "I fucked your mom!" To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!"

Any good jokes?

There are 6 jurors on the Treyvon Martin trial. I bet they all get on the same cycle from being around each other so much... Dude better hope it isn't that time of the month when the verdict comes in.

Can you share a joke?

Why does it suck to be an egg? You have to share a room with 11 guys. And it takes you 4 minute to get hard and 2 minute to get soft. The worst part? The only woman that sits on your face is your mom.

Share a funny joke.

My teacher actually said this to us before out computing exam... Pupil: "Will we be able to use the calculator in the exam?" Sir: "No, it will be disabled just like you" No joke, he actually said that

Got any jokes?

My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you're calling a child because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

What's a funny joke you know?

A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Make me laugh with a joke.

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into." *Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

I want to hear a joke.

Donald Trump, George Zimmerman, and DJ Khaled walk into a bar. Said bar is immediately shut down; State law bans brothels and with three massive attention whores in one room they kinda have no choice.

Give me a joke.

So two guns are hanging out, "shootin' the shit"... When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?" the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."

Tell me a joke.

The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"

Do you know any jokes?

NSFW: "Do you spit or swallow?" I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?" She slapped my face and stormed off... I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

What's a funny joke you know?

Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea? A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.

Got any jokes?

A guy I know calls women's periods "shark week." I asked him why, and he told me "Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it."

Do you know any jokes?

I like the term urban camper We all know you mean you're homless, but it's less awkward because it has the word camping in it. For all we know you could be roasting smores under a bridge or some shit.

Make me laugh with a joke.

The teacher asked Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today Johnny?" Johnny replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Johnny leaves for school today!'"

What's a funny joke you know?

An angry teenager from a Catholic home began dressing as a monk to mock his parents' faith. When asked by a friend how her son had been, the boy's mother replied, "Well, he's been-a-dick-teen lately."

Got any jokes?

[jokes allowed]Giant methane storms on Uranus Appereantly you can joke around in r/science [original link](http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/2ybgx8/giant_methane_storms_on_uranus/) Here you go!

Share a funny joke.

making holy water is easy.... you boil the hell out of it but how to you turn that holy water back into regular tap water? You cook the bejesus out of it. *bejesus may be a local slang but i hope not.

Got any jokes?

A little boy and a little girl are having a bath... When the little girl looks down at the little boy's crotch and notices his penis. "Can I touch it?" She asks him. "No! You already broke yours off!"

Can you share a joke?

Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There's Kneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver and gold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.

Do you know any jokes?

The invisible man and the shrink The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible. The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

Got any jokes?

So I got a text from a guy. He said he lives across the street and would like to get to know me. I answered that I live in front of a cemetery and those kind of acquaintances scare the shit out of me.

Can you share a joke?

People are always mistaking things I say as racist. The other day, this guy thought I called him a 'sand nigger.' But what I said was, 'get out of the sand, nigger. Volleyball is a white man's sport.'

Share a funny joke.

The Guyz l Shadowrun Returns l Razor Edge ep 3 l HE'S STILL THERE Hi, I'm Karmit, and I play video games...yeah... Well that's all I can really say. Just want to advertise stuff so...yeah...america...

Can you share a joke?

I finally came out of the closet today... My mom then walks up to me, and says something to me. "Holy fuck, How messy is your closet Joe? You have been in your closet for an entire month cleaning it!"

Share a funny joke.

If it takes 150 yards of stewed tripe to make a pair of leather britches for a bull, how long does it take for a double breasted cockroach to climb a bar of soft soap? You tell me and we'll both know.