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depression-detection

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i wasn’t paying attention to the timei’m gonna go die now. 15 minutes is like 5 minutes less than usual. not that bad but fuck.

i don't know what to do should i watch netflix or do my module due on wednesday

a broken systemim in a bad place. a very bad, yet all too familiar place in my brain. i know there is happiness out there but right now i can't even remember what it feels like. every part of me wants to retreat and keep pushing but i'm almost out of strength. i know it isn't permanent and i know there is help out there. i've been desperately trying to do all the things i've learned to do over the years but i'm dealing with a very broken mental health system and unable to get the help i need. i go to counseling. i love dr. scott, he's my psychologist. he's really shown me the difference between a good counselor and a great one. but he's so busy. i can only schedule to see him every 3 weeks, 2 if i'm lucky. my psychiatrist is awful. he's so bound by policy that there is very little he can do for me. he wants me to choose between treating my adhd which i've been medicated for for the better part of 20 years and depression. he told me that since i take adderall there aren't many choices for an antidepressant because he doesn't like to double down on stimulants. he won't give me the xanax for my panic attacks that my old doctor who retired used to because osu doctors won't prescribe it. instead he gave me a beta blocker that didn't do a thing for my panic attacks. i can't find another psychiatrist. you'd think living in a daily big city that they would be more accessible but they aren't. no doctors take my insurance and the doctors out of my network won't see anyone who wants to pay out of pocket. i barely have enough of myself right now to make it through the bare minimum of life requirements and sometimes fail miserably. i'm trying so hard to get the help i need but i keep expending precious energy only to get shot down. there is of course more to this that i'm probably forgetting but you get the gist. i feel so defeated already and not being able to get the help you need when you are so fucking desperate makes the battle so much harder. i really want to get better but i'm falling into the hands of the system that's let me down countless times.

a bit down...i don't have friends. the friends i have are split into two groups via their economic/social status. half of my friends had kids rather young, are undereducated, super religious and are trying their best to take advantage of government benefits. more or less, i love them, but they are welfare queens. the other half is very rich and spoiled. i'm split between the two because i'm now getting on my feet and becoming middle class, which is either too rich or too poor for either group. i'm an atheist, which builds tension between everybody, since most are religious via culture (roman catholic) or newly religious for the social benefits (free childcare/support group/etc.) my poor friends criticize everything i do. i cannot buy christmas presents for anybody without them trying to calculate how much i spent and who i *should* have spent it on. if i post a picture and there's a new *something* in the picture, i get a catty remark about the cost and a comment about how it could've gone to so-and-so, or that i'm spoiled. (for this reason, i've been hiding a new computer in my bedroom, my last one from 2008 died mid-semester a week ago, there was no saving it.) the christmas gifts i had bought for family were also scrutinizedi didn't get them *enough* even though i spent a good portion of my income on medical bills. my wealthier friends cannot seem to handle me when something bad happens. they are fair-weather friends and when i had health problems, they cut all contact... so i guess that's a non-issue now. they have also said some really hurtful things in the past, about how poor or sick people deserve to die (something about obama's healthcare program) and that hurt me deeply as someone that probably would've passed on if not for my state's medicaid program in the past. i haven't spoken to them in roughly two years. is there a way i can find friends that have similar interests or viewpoints? it has gotten to the point where i think something is intrinsically wrong with me. my own family even hates me. i have no problems up until now with people with different and diverse views and interests, but it seems like as i grow older these differences are things that cannot be overcome. other than my husband, i feel completely alone. he has his family, but mine have mostly passed away or they dislike me because i'm not a born-again christian. i spend most of my days crying. thoughts?

well...there goes first semester.i haven't made any friends. my grades are not as good as i want them to be. i am praying my gpa is good enough to transfer to the 4-year school i want to go to, and i'm terrified of what life will be like if i make it there. oh well. that's probably another two semesters away. i just feel so damn lonely. my old friends are already part of well-established friend groups in their dorms. i'm just that quiet guy who takes the train into the city, goes to class, and takes the train back when he's done. i don't know how to make friends. i've never had the courage to do it, and i don't think i'll be able to force myself to do something about it anytime soon. i'm just really fucking lonely. so, if anyone would like to chat, please hit me up. it would help both of us.

as the spouse of a person under treatment, what is the best way to be helpful, supportive, without enabling?argh. i've been married for several years. she's been under treatment for depression and anxiety for most of those. whether it's the disease or the meds, i often feel like i have a dependent, not a partner. hey, if you are scared this is you, please keep reading. if you are scared this is you, most likely your spouse feels something like i do. i am not trying to kick my wife to the curb. i don't feel she is ruining my lifefar from it. she is the center and the joy and, as god is my witness, i just want life to be better. but i'm afraid that i'm as frustrated as her with the problem and i am feeling just as helpless. i am afraid that everything i do makes it worse, not better. i don't want her to feel alone and to feel like a burden, but i keep making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing. sometimes i push for her to get up and get out, or to pretty herself up or make the bed or something. there are always one of two responses. the worst response is a manic drive to please. she will go on a two day tear cleaning and purging and not talking to me. this is always followed by defeat and collapse. the other is to just lash out, proud and hurt, like i was being a domineering male chauvinist trying to boss her around. mostly, i just try to pick up the slack. doing all the housework and the yardwork and cooking and laundry. on top of bringing in the only paycheck. it is killing me, and it isn't making things better. i just fear that she is getting used to being taken care of and has lost all ambition to make life better. when we got married, we had aspirations. there are things we want to do and see and have. there is a lifestyle we want, but we can't get there on one salary and i can't move up without being able to devote more time to work. life is slipping away. so what do i want from reddit? is there a middle ground here? is there something your husband or wife does or says that, even just sometimes, picks you up and motivates you without also causing fear of rejection? are there support resources for guys like me? should i be going to a therapist too? or is this just my life until she finds the right combination of diet, exercise and meds to get better? (i ain't leaving, so don't suggest that.)

hejsjsthe hotline doesnt give a shit. i'm tired of wearing out my only friend and my parents that have enough to deal with. i'm homeless. my wife left me. a girl i've been talking to for a month just used me to make a catfishing account. fuck this. i'm done.

imagine if our age was replace with levels and each day, you gain one xp, in which you need 365 xp to level up. that would be like so cool to think of it like that.

you are not a victim."do not go gentle into thy good night. rage, rage against the dying of the light"

not racist but like why are countries with mostly white people usually just most people living their normal "vanilla" lives. but then other countries with non white people it's always extra for no reason with weird cultures, weird chants and shit and just weird. filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler

i haven't done anything, but i've come to a decision.i've decided that if i were to ever actually go through with committing suicide, i would want it to be livestreamed, or recorded in some form of video. i know that it's been done before, but i figure that if some sick arse finds it entertaining then that's at least one person entertained and not annoyed at my existence. my existence, or lack thereof, would not be an inconvenience to them, or something to be ignored, it would be something for them to revel in. i figure that's something.

deep voices kinda hot ngl oh and uh, red kinda sus he just did the sex

i’m fucked the first school quarter is gonna end and my procrastination kicked in by the third week of school so now i have work from 6 weeks ago that i have to do in 6 days so basically 1 week per each dayi don’t know how i got to this point.

fuck mei tried to kill myself by cutting but i am just bad as usual and didn't do it. i will just climb somewhere this afternoon and jump.

cuddling > sex i haven’t ever had either but still why frick when you can cuddle with someone and feel how warm they are and hug each other

friend in wallingford pa threatening suicide.i live in canada and i have a friend in pa who's been constantly depressed and always talking about suicide. specifically he says he plans to wait until he's able to buy a gun in two years and do it then because he feels like that's the only way he'd be able to bring himself to actually do it. regardless, i've been worrying more and more that he's going to just spontaneously do it one day. last night he told me he's already written a note "in advance", and refused to discuss it. we've talked before and it seems like nothing i could say or do would help change his mind or cheer him up at all. he tells me in the past few months he's been extremely depressed and no longer enjoys any of the things he used to love doing. he's been less and less willing to talk at all. due to the distance we can only really talk on irc and he's hardly been on lately. he's told me how he dropped out of college because he didn't see any point, didn't know what he was doing there and felt like it was just a waste of time. since then he's been working a dead-end job and never really seemed happy. the past few days he's been extremely depressed and not really willing to talk at all. i called some nearby suicide help centres, but they're surprisingly un-helpful, saying they don't cover that area. i called the local police department and left a message asking them to call back. i know only his name and address; i could probably find his home phone number on google and so i've been considering calling his parents as well. i think he needs professional help asap.

does anyone else sleep at lunch?i get plenty of sleep every night but come lunch time i am just so exhausted that i go sleep in my car at lunch. i even keep a neck pillow in there. oh the lovely side effects of depression and the meds i'm on...

just a thought for suicidal people i don’t know why people think suicide is the answer you have got to take a step back and evaluate what is wrong and why you think suicide is even an option you’ve gotta work through your issue’s. think for a second death is forever you die that’s it so why waste a 1 in 400 trillion chance that you were even born, you already defined the odds so you can get anywhere in life you want in other word you get out what you put in just think about how bad your situation is and think there is probably someone out there that has it 10x worseyou can overcome anything if you try had enough but it up to you to decide how your life goes not anyone else. you don’t want suicide to be your what your known for when people think or talk of you. so if your considering suicide please take a moment to think is it really gonna fix you problems....no

have u guys ever winked at a girl? what happened next? i think the last time i winked at a girl was in elementary in the playground when everyone was on top of this snowy small hill. i fell down that hill after the wink 😉

identity crisis (not really tho) i'm 17 and nearing graduation this year, and i took a moment today to reflect back on my school life. i never really found a group to fit in with, people to hang out with, or even a steady lunch table. my average day's social interaction would be some loud and obnoxious class clown antics from the back of the room (i got good grades, and always raised my hand, so teachers put up with me being annoying and out of line most the time i think). i would share jokes with people who i only knew in passing. i acted like i was everyone's friend basically. truthfully, i had no friends. the people i was closest to went to other schools or had graduated. did snag a girlfriend tho! (still together 16 months later!). the thing that went unnoticed by me for the longest time though, was that my legend was growing. ok, so legend is a bit of a stretch. the majority of my classmates however, knew their collective "idea" of me a lot better than the real me. this kind of went on outside my attention until junior year really. i was sitting in math class when a guy walked up to me (kyle might have been his name? regardless) "so how long have you and sarah been dating?" "who the f\*\*\* is sarah?" this was case number one. it had become common knowledge to many of my peers that i was dating sarah, a girl i didn't even know by name (i'm bad with matching names to faces). she didn't know about it either, but i met and told her about it way later where she laughed and all that. the next event was with a kid named brian (total bro) "so, uh, mr\_mango, i heard you've been tutoring kids in math?" "um, what?" "yeah, the librarian said you tutor kids." "nope, not me." even the librarian was swept up in this! i was beginning to see that my persona was larger than life. i thought it was kinda neat to be honest. the absolute best one though was this... trevor from across the little island of desks in my history class asks: "hey mr\_mango, you gonna be at football practice today?" "bro, i don't play football" (this was 3 weeks into the season) "uh, yeah you do" he was utterly convinced i was his teammate. "nope, never have in my life" "hey (idk the name), doesn't mr\_mango play football? i could have sworn i saw him at practice" "yeah, he does" fml i like this memory so much because this led into me verbally chastising my classmates and telling them they didn't know a damn thing about me. i only shared three examples, but this was an almost daily occurrence! the power of the student body hive mind am i right?? ​ thanks for reading my story!-mr\_mango 17male ​ omg a silver!!! tytyty. never got one before :)

it’s honestly really hard to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend that actually cares about you. a part of it, or at least a i believe is the fact that i go heads over toes on elder scrolls and fallout lore. the lores interesting to me, but no one really shares that interest. you might be thinking that i’m narrowing down my expectations a little too much. and that’s a great point. i do like playing guitar, writing and researching history. again, a pretty rare commodity to come across. do they have to like the same things as me? no, absolutely not. my point is that it’s hard finding someone that likes these among other things. the problem is that i don’t really see anyone truly caring for me. a relationship goes both ways, and yet there are people out there around my age who are just concerned about being clingy and having sex, the list goes on and on. when it comes to a partner, i want to be with someone who i enjoy spending time with. a friend, in a sort of way. a person that i care for and in turn, cares about me. i want to share beautiful experiences with that special someone, like decorating a christmas tree together, or being the little spoon. experiences like that is what i want. but alas, my poor charisma wench-self makes it that i can’t find my princess and yatayatayata, you get the point.

god the good doctor is such a good series im rewatching it and i love it... yea it has some plot holes and inaccuraties but its just so good

i’m really drunkthe pills are in the other room. my plan was to get drunk, take meds, and self harm to the point of blood loss. i don’t wanna wake up and be in organ failure from a failed attempt. blood loss will weaken my system, the meds will slow my heart rate, knock out my liver and kidneys, and eventually stop my heart. i want to be fucking dead. i want to make sure that i am as dead as dead can be dead. the meds are in the other room and i’m already drunk.

need helpi am so deep right now. it's one of those moments where everything that can go wrong, is going wrong ... my grandmother and brother are in the hospital. i was supposed to leave on a vacation tomorrow but my flight just got cancelled. that was one thing i was really looking forward to and now i feel like there's just nothing left ... nothing that makes me excited to be here

an email i sent to an ngo a while back.hi, am writing this to you because you may be the only person i can write to that understands what am going through. later on today, i'll be turning down a girl that likes me alot simply because i don't want to burden her with my issues. i like her too btw. issue 1: i've screwed up a lot in my life and there's no way i'll graduate on time. issue 2: as well as girls i like boys too. deal breaker for her. also, don't want to hurt her down the line when she finds out. issue 3: am suicidal. i have said thoughts a lot. how do all three issues relate? i was a bright kid, made it to a top 5 national school. i had to start being an adult at 14. dad taking loans, i'd very little to spend in school. other well of kids, sons of ministers had a lot. wanted to be like them. i started noticing boys. i became confused. i couldn't concentrate on my books anymore. bad report cards, dissapointed parents, my body responding to the touch and thought of both boys and girls. i wasn't good out of class too. didn't have many friends, became very angry too fast for no reason. anyway, i made it to university. i took the course the govt assigned me. now i was an adult, so drugs, alcohol, bad decisions, missing classes and cats. passing the units i went to class to and actually liked the lecturer. above average tho. fast forward to 2019. i nailed my work experience. came back for the last year, covid happened. results of the first sem are back before we can do the 2nd sem exams. failed three. three. back to my suicidal thoughts. previously, i wanted to kill myself because of my sexuality and being poor. now i want to kill myself because i won't amount to anything. the sad thing is, i've tried once. 9 sleeping pills (portion) and 300ml sprite. i woke up 21 hours later groggy and tired. i won't fail this time around tho. i am not going to graduate, 16 years down the drain, i am bi, and a loser. am not equipped for manual labour( am weak) i don't know anyone, i don't have anything saved up. i hate myself. that's not all of it, i don't want to bore you with the surgeries i had as a kid, how i've had to beg for essential stuff from my own family while my family's golden goose my brother 10 years older than me gets handed whatever he wants. no i won't bore you with those parts. ps: i also recently remembered my eldest brother by 13 years touching me when i was kid. he was already 18. i can't tell anyone because it's been so long and nobody could believe me. and the rest of the results came back i failed more units in the final year. so it's official am not graduating, am a waste of space and i need to die asap. thanks for reading, or perusing real quick. am sure you receive tons of this everyday. i just wanted to tell someone that would understand. kind regards.

why they are calling my parents? i just rubbed my super soft and bug tits against my math's teacher chest and grabbed his wennie, why authorities are angry and calling my parents?

how can i lose fat quickly? how can i lose fat quickly? i don’t want strict diets or hard workouts though. i am 5”4, 175lbs.

yeah, sex is great but have you ever planted 70kg of dynamite in taco bell’s toilet and set the timer to random?

i think i'd be a lot happier if people weren't constantly questioning my happiness.i don't mind people looking out for me, but when someone tries to make me their little pet project with patronizing smiles and pretentious "i was once depressed; it gets better!!!! :)" texts, it just makes me even more miserable. like most people in my life are completely fake; how depressing is that? there are one or two people in my life who are completely genuine; they'll be supportive when i need it, but they'll also get pissed at me and tell me to get the fuck of my ass when i need it, too. their goal isn't to patronize me in order to make themselves feel better; it's just to genuinely make me feel better while staying on an eye-to-eye level. these kinds of people mean the world to me.

the one and only person i thought would stay with me, has left me now too.my life s been a tragedy for many years now but a girl came in my life 10 months ago and picked me up from the ground, just to be on the verge of suicide again after 9 months of a relationship. she told me to piss off, dont talk to her and to leave her alone and i just cant handle this anymore, im never really good enough for anyone i should just go

cheated onhi there, a little background information on me: my name is alex, i turned 24 last month and i broke things off with my ex (23) last weekend. we've dated for two years and have been on and off for the longest time. she has borderline personality disorder and i have my own issues with abandonment growing up. when we first met, we hooked up rather quickly and it was a huge red flag for both my mother and i, but being as i had never had a girlfriend before, i ignored them and pursued a relationship with her. throughout the course of our relationship, she kept a lot of male attention and claimed they were only friends when in reality she was either cheating or making money as an escort online. she'd cheat, i'd find out, we'd break up, we'd miss each other, we'd get back together, and on and on... it eventually started to take a toll on me and i attempted to take my life because i felt like i wasn't worth anything anymore. all the abandonment issues i had been running from in my childhood started to surface and i couldn't handle the overwhelming feeling that i wasn't good enough for anyone to love. long story short i ended up 5150'd and on release i found my phone flooded with sobbing messages of regret from my ex. it's so hard hearing the voice of someone you love saying how much they miss you and love you and regret everything they've done and apologize like they've never done before, but looking back i know i fell in love with someone who doesn't exist all the time. we were together for a few months before she started doing the same thing again and i ended things off. i spent a while alone trying to date around and ended up meeting someone else who on paper seemed like the ideal girlfriend: no mental problems, had a job, had a car, had her own place--everything my girlfriend lacked. the only problem was that i wasn't physically attracted to her. i broke things off with her after two months because i realized it wasn't fair to waste her time if i wasn't falling in love like i had with my ex. a month later, my mother and stepdad were planning a thanksgiving dinner at the local country clubhouse where my ex worked (i had assumed due to her borderline personality disorder and work history that she wouldn't have held down this job) and offered to buy me a seat so i agreed. she ended up still working there and the entire time she was really pleasant and nice to my parents while i tried being an asshole and just ignored her attempts to strike a conversation. at the end of the dinner when we were about to leave, she asked my parents for a hug and they agreed. the whole time, they were falling for her shit and i really hated it so i just walked off to the car alone. when i got home i messaged her back telling her to eff off should we ever run into her again and that i didn't appreciate the little show she put on. she defended her self and said that during our break up (it had been 8 months or so since we last talked) that she had done some growing up, she had kept her job, and had really been ashamed of everything. we talked for a long time and we eventually got back together. we were together since nov and it ended last weekend when i caught her talking to other guys who openly flirted with her despite her mentioning me. (i don't know to what extent this flirting went to because she deleted the history prior to the day we broke up, but the day we did, they had flirted and he seemed to have been giving good morning texts so...) either way, right now i feel a bit hopeless. i feel worthless and lost right now. i don't know where i'm going or what my purpose is, but i can't help but feel like i'm at fault. was the sex bad? was i not giving enough attention? am i ugly? poor? short? what's so wrong with me to deserve this? i don't know what to do, i just want to run away from this pit of despair in my gut. i just want to go home and have a beer and cry all this crap out because i have too much to live for. i can't go back to wanting to end myself but at the same time i want to move forward, i just need someone to talk to as i don't have friends.

does anyone wanna play among us i think we could make it happen on the teenagers discord

my own life has been seeing great progress, but the world ending keeps making me miserable. it's time for me to end.after years of thinking my drawings sucked and i'll never be able to make a living off of them, i've got work at an indie game developer and am seeing commissions for drawings and animations. after years of browsing forever alone, hitting 30 as a virgin, and not having a girlfriend for a decade, i've seen two girls physically attracted to me this year, have chatted for months with a fellow geek on a dating app, and have our first date tomorrow. after thinking i can't support myself as an independent adult, i've got my own 1-room apartment and am working 2 jobs to successfully live for myself. after decades of struggling and self-hatred, my life is finally getting better. but guess what? ultimately, it doesn't matter. my state of mind regarding humanity and life started to break when 9/11 happened in my first month of high school. i had my eyes truly opened to how violent, hateful, unjust, and painful humanity really was both in the majority of civilization and seemingly at its core. it took years of therapy to suppress these feelings (my core philosophy/belief of humanity and us all better off dead remained but i stopped dwelling on it), but after the feguson riots and first rash of recorded racist cop killers hit, something in me snapped again and has consumed me daily from then on. it doesn't stop. it doesn't leave me. if it's not racism it's some other form of suppression. if it's not trump it's some other public figure ruining everything forever. if it's not global warming it's dystopian facism inevitably winning over us all. i can't escape into media like i used to because they're all becoming increasingly topical. every day, either something in the world reminds me of things, or i remind myself when my mind wanders because it's instinctive at this point. i cry, become numb and immobile, and can barely talk or function for hours at a time while pure despair, fear, sadness, and hopelessness overtake me. every day. i can't sleep because of these. i can't work as much as i want because of them. i'm in therapy minimum twice every week and have seen a half-dozen different therapists in the past two years alone. i've tried dozens of meds and been hospitalized both voluntarily and involuntarily five times. nothing works. i have a large, loving group of family and friends, but they're unable to snap me out of it. i can no longer value them or my own successes. i've long hit that realization that myself and them and our lives and dreams are permanently irrelevant now. the world is perpetually burning into either a miserable existence for almost all or the full-on extinction i so desire. from now on, nothing we do has any value or importance. i have nothing to strive for and nothing i can enjoy. i'm going to let my family and friends enjoy one more christmas season with me, but come january, i'm going to finally carry out one of my suicide plans i've mapped for years. i thankfully live in an area where my main two ideas are super easy to pull off and no one can stop me if i don't say my goodbyes until right before i take action. the letter is written, and i can cross post it to all my social media accounts before finding peace through ceasing to exist. as an atheist, i believe my consciousness will disappear from all planes of existence, and as long as it means i can never suffer again, it's a sacrifice i don't just accept, but get excited for. humanity still abides to survival of the fittest just like our original existence in nature. for all my qualities, the world has made my ability to live non-existent. it's better that i erase myself.

simp on me, my babes 😩😩😩 simp on me, my babes 😩😩😩

school won't let me in i have a small cough that is scratchy and im 99.99% sure it's not that virus! but hey out of school for nothing right? wrong subway just opened and i want to eat there, one of my closest friends recently gone back to my school and i've already spent a week in my room. anyways have a good night/morning/noon/afternoon/evening to all you wonderful people

let me tell you how my day's been...but first lets back track to last night. i was considering killing myself fof the hundreth time. last night i cried to sleep. which brings me to today. its not even noon yet and ive already broken down crying. why? spilled milk. well, not exactly milk. every morning i pack myself a soda to drink for lunch. its the one thing i look forward to everyday. my daily soda. well as i arrived at uni, my soda can bursts. dont know how or why. it just did. luckily i got my laptop out in time and the blanket i carried absorbed most of the soda. still. stuff was wet. so instead of studying every morning like i do, especially today due to a midterm, im cleaning my bag. and when i ate lunch (i have to eat early due to noon class) i did t have that soda. sure i bought another one but its not the same. its not the one i look forward to. one fucking minor thing is enough to break me. that's where i am right now. im so low in my life that a spilled drink is enough to make me cry. im done with this. i just want to go home and sleep forever. or better yet die. i always carry a knife with me i find a use for it in my everyday life. if i didnt have such a low pain tolerance i woild have cut myself already. i might as well though. one sharp sensation i return for peace. its worth it right?

kids' rooms should be their private space. i've always felt invaded when someone comes into my room. whenever i'm in my room it's to retreat as i normally spend my time in the living room or study. i'm very particular with where things should be, and i'm also a very private person and i don't like people snooping around. i feel a sense of panic whenever my mum in particular (my dad normally just knocks, pokes his head in and asks what he needs to) decides to invite herself in, have a look around, trying to analyse my space. of course, if a parent has a rightful reason to enter (i'm thinking drug suspicion, the kid isn't waking up, the room is an absolute tip, or whatever), then they should. but, it shouldn't be an expectation that they just *can*. i thought about this when my parents were fostering another child for a while. one of the main rules is that *nobody* is allowed in a foster child's room. this is with or without the child in there at the time. it's no matter their abuse history, as well (however, if they're trashing the room, stealing and hiding things, or doing any other action which raises suspicion, a foster carer is allowed to enter). the psychological reasoning behind this is that everyone needs a space that is theirs and they can retreat to. for children and teenagers, they aren't in control of the house they live in, therefore their room is the only environment they can control. this is essential for wellbeing in people. anyway, so that's my rant. let kids be in control of their space and parents shouldn't assume they can enter whenever they want. what do you guys think?

anyone's depression get worse or better depending on the weather?i woke up this morning in a very sad mood (more so than usual), dwelling on every negative aspect of my life. i got up and walked out on the porch to smoke and the weather was cold, overcast, and grey. my god, did it instantly make the feeling worse. so much that it churned my stomach. i'm so overly sensitive and it sucks. when i get sad i've developed this habit of compulsively cleaning everything. i'm not sure why but it helps a little. anyways, i decided to see some friends but while i was physically with them i felt so alone mentally. this day has just been blah all around but i did see the sun peek out right before it went down which was nice. hope you all are doing well and if you're struggling you most certainly are not alone.

i hate that my body is automatically seen as controversial/offensive i’m getting ready to meet with my employers (at a tutoring organization) for the first time to drop off some paperwork, and i’m wearing this kinda tight blue shirt that goes down to my collarbones. my mom then says i shouldn’t wear it because it shows too much (not low enough to show cleavage at all, if that matters for context). she follows that up by saying if i were to tutor a 12 year old boy or something, he would find it distracting and the employers don’t want that. i totally understand it, and it’s not a hassle at all to just throw on a different shirt, but it just hurts to know how often i’m simplified to my body, as an inherently sexual thing, when i’m a whole human being lol.

bye world, the world is better off without me.in 2 hours my parents are leaving and i'm hopping into the car closing the garage and popping some sleeping pills. just wanted to get this out there, so someone out there knows.

hey, you. i got something to say. you're awesome! that's all. have a nice day. :-)

just jerked off to some chinese stuff, so i can’t say it’s my proudest day to be alive ahhh, kinda regret it now that i’m thinking about some human rights violation shit. ahhh ‘not my proudest fap’

so it was reddit and not just me? right?

having a hard time.20/m i'm sitting here in my abusive mothers house. i'm not here by choice. my mother has psychologically and physically tormented us for years. locking my sister in closets for hours at a time. leaving us by the side of the highway and telling us to find our own way home. i've been bitten, thrown into walls and to the ground, and hit. i feel she's bipolar sometimes, one minute trying to be really nice, another minute screaming yelling and raging. she's good enough to convince my extended family that she's a good normal person so i can't get any help there. how i got here: i had a hard time in college and didn't go so well for me. i flunked out in my second year freshman year. i wasnt learning well. i was depressed a lot there and could barely get out of bed let alone make it to 9 am classes. i've been diagnosed several times with moderate adhd. that didn't help. so i had to leave. i was broke and had no other option but to move home. i'm trying to start my own business and had moderate success and projections look really good, but don't yet make enough money to live on my own. i keep getting threats to call the police and kick me out from my mother i feel like i'm just complaining and there's a lot of people in situations worse than mine so i shouldn't really complain. i don't know what to do. help me, i'm tired and in pain.

my s/o just admitted something to me.i'm sorry in advance for the rambling novel, and if this violates any rules i apologize: feel free to let me know or direct me somewhere else. he told me two nights ago that he's addicted to pornography and that he's seen some shit. he's sought out some shit. for years. he's going to a therapist tuesday for anxiety and depression, and says he wants to get help for this as well. i have experience with addiction; all kinds of mental illness runs in my family, that included. i want to work through this. but i'm sad. i'm still so hurt and sad. i like to think of myself as open minded, and though i don't always agree with the industry, i never thought to condemn people for it. but to have the person you love, the person you love with, to admit to you that they're obsessed with watching women who aren't you, some who aren't even real, some who are having horrible things happen to them, it hurts. i can't tell anyone i know, and i don't know how to react. i feel almost broken, and have for a long time. i've looked into cosmetic surgery for my breasts for a while now, before this was even revealed to me, because i hate the way my body is. i'm currently going to physical therapy to work on my pelvic floor so we can have a normal sex life. i've never, ever asked to see any of my partner's phones. but the fear has always been there, that they're looking at or talking to someone that isn't me. it's irrational, but i never act on it or hound anyone about it, because i trust them to be the average faithful partner. it's just like, my worst fear has come to life. i tried to be the cool girlfriend, the one that's also into anime and cool with hobbies, that you can talk to about them. it feels like that's backfired in a big way. i've watched anime since middle school, and knew it could get racy, but i never anticipated something like this happening. maybe that's naive or dumb. i just feel the worst i've felt in quite a while. sorry for rambling, i'm just trying to rationalize this in a constructive way. i asked him to let me know how much this therapist cost him after his first visit. i haven't been in a couple years, but i'm considering going back soon.

first sign of progress in 10 years, i also think this can help a lot of you that are lost. since my mother left us, all of the burden of raising four kids has been put upon my father. naturally, some neglect was expected but not this... i've been horribly depressed since the divorce which was 10 fucking years ago and until now i honestly couldn't understand why. i was upset about the usual things a divorce brings, the separation between family members, losing loved ones, the yelling and subsequent hatred that goes along with it. but i got over all of that... but something... something wasn't right. and it took me ten. goddamn. years to figure this out. this all started when i was 7, i had a good mother who loved me and a supportive father and brother and sisters. when my mother left i lost the only emotional bond i had with anybody... it's a mothers job to love her children, and its her duty to make them happy (apparently to my father, this burden was the mothers and mothers alone) when she left i lost that. when you're 7 you don't know how to make yourself happy. you know small things that you like to do, but you don't know how to make decisions that will benefit you in the end. and you don't know yourself well enough yet to even begin to make those decisions. which brings me to the point i'm trying to make... being almost 18... i've gone most of my life without having someone to make me happy, friends just don't cut it especially when they're still just kids themselves. it's up to me to make myself happy. this is going to take a lot of work, i'm 10 years behind essentially but i've been sitting around... waiting for something, anything to happen and magically my life is going to turn around. but i've realized that's not going to happen. nobody cares if i sit here and mope. they all have their own lives to deal with. i always though one day a girl is going to come around, and just love me unconditionally as soon as she met me, i've had fairy tale fantasies all my life and i'm only now beginning to wake up from this convoluted dream. i've found a girl i love more than absolutely anything. and i've been taking her for granted and i've been wondering why she's been so distant lately. it's because i'm neglecting her. but it's time for me to add to this relationship and show her how much she means to me. also, fuck sitting at home on my computer. i used to think i actually preferred this to going out with friends but not anymore. i'm 17. i'm a senior in highschool. it's time to make some fucking memories and get the fuck off of facebook. my friends miss the old me. and i'm bringing him back. tomorrow marks the day i start taking my baby steps out of my comfort zone and start living my fucking life. i'm too young to sit behind a desk all day... and so are you.

people's posts are going unnoticed!hey /r/depression community, i hope you're all doing ok today! over the last couple of days i've been browsing here and commenting a lot on posts that have gone unnoticed. at first i saw some about a day old, and thought 'oh no, nobody has got to these!' so i commented. and then i went back, and saw quite a few posts that were up to three days old and had no comments. one particular person had edited their 3 day old post 5 hours before i saw it with "til: i'm invisible" and i felt pretty disappointed that i hadn't seen it sooner. i know we get many many posts, and responding to them is sometimes really hard, especially when we're helpless (and we have no experience in the matter!). but i think a lot of people know we can't offer much advice, and just need to see that someone has read what they've written, acknowledge their pain (and their existence!), and i try to be 'real' too. and even though i get carried away about myself sometimes, i still post even though my posts are less than perfect. i know that in the past i've posted something, and have gotten no responses, and it's really horrible. especially if that's about being utterly alone and you're turning to reddit, and then it's pretty hurtful. it can hurt too if the post on the front page has 30 replies while yours has none! i know that the first page is just *visible*, and that's why it happens, but i encourage you to next time you see a post on your front page with 30 comments, maybe jump to one of the ones that is nearing 24 hours old and hasn't got a comment yet :) thanks for reading! edit: thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and for noticing those other posts. i just want to say now that not everyone should feel obligated to reply to someone. it can be hard, and if you don't know what to say, it can be awkward as well. sometimes all people need is someone to listen, though, and offering that if you have some time is pretty awesome on your part :) but again, if you can't offer that time, you need not feel bad either! this community is for those who are depressed (and therefore, maybe not able to offer many comments) just as much for those who comment. we can all give what we can give, and no more. between us we can make a difference though, and i think that we already are! :)

i’m an ephebophile i deserve do diei’m a 21m and it’s only with an animated girl but i feel like an ephebophile and i hate myself do much because of it i just wanna die

i will follow yourecently i've fallen in love with a woman and the situation is real fucked up. i've been in many loving and long relationships in the past but i have never felt like this for someone. we're amazing together and for each other but circumstances have kept us apart and forced us into secrecy. she struggles with bipolar disorder and came very close to killing herself last night, overwhelmed by the fact that we can't be together and everything that stands in the way... i can't tell her (she should already know), i won't guilt her into staying alive but if she dies... i'm going with her

my date is set.i've decided to set the date for april 14th,2017. i'm just so done with life. i'm failing every single one of my college courses. i know i'm a disappointment to my dad. he doesn't even hide it anymore. my brother who is younger, refuses to acknowledge me in any way even though i treat him with respect and drive him around almost everywhere. my sister has moved out to live with her boyfriend and his housemates so i'm stuck here with no other possible alternatives. i figured though that it would be more convient for them if i didn't do it around the holidays.

top 1 reasons you should defect from the british army during the american revolution 1. you have a very high chance of dying.

huge downfall involving a recent ex-gfim sorry if this is a bit long and this is my first text post ive ever done on reddit so i'm sorry for any mistakes and it doesn't help to be doing it all on a cellphone. i've had a long history with depression through middle school and highschool. granted, i'm 19 years old currently. about two years ago, i've figured out how to fix it for myself and then ended up getting even better when i started dating this girl who i'll refer to her as "taylor". i started to meditate a lot and find myself spiritually. i felt perfect inside. all my flaws felt like they were denied. now taylor and i have been an on and off a lot of times for the past two years. wed go a week or so sometimes without any communication because she's not the type that likes to resolve it seems no matter what i try. during one of those off times, i made one of those decisions to try to move on and she found out and still to this day claims i've cheated on her but i had no way to prove it because she claims she apparently knows what days we broke up as opposed to not. so it's her word against mine and i don't like to argue so i've always let her win and let it go. if i try to make a stand, it only gets worse for me. the girl and i, who i'll just say her name is marie,  only flirted and she flashed me once on webcam. so we didn't do anything beyond that. well, i tried to make it up to her as best as i could, but of course it's never the same because i was always accused of everything. there was some nights taylor would threaten to hurt herself and say how much she hates her life and i'd try to calm her down and try to call her but she'd never answer for sometimes almost an hour. it started to really screw with my head so i was always afraid to leave her knowing i could potentially maybe stop something from escalating one day. she once broke up with me because i was so obsessed because i was afraid to lose her. i've never felt that same feeling since but i'd at least try my best to not get worried that something happened. anyways, time goes on and two weeks ago, we broke up what seemed for good. i haven't spoke to her since and a yesterday a random snap chat user adds me and i wasn't sure as to who it is and i accept asking who they are and they replied back "b**** f you" and so i decided to joke right back at them and say "only if you're hot ;)" which i do joke with my male guy friends in that way too but they know i'm just poking fun. no pun intended. and they she goes crazy and says i'm a dirty pig that should kill himself  with a picture of her in the background smiling. nothing hurts worse knowing someone hates you for yourself never intending to hurt someone, i admit what i done wasn't the best and i realize i need to work on a lot of things. but i ended up just saying how that's not the way she should handle it if she knows what it's like to be told that. she replied back with a snotty remark as usual by saying "im going to ruin your f'ing life!" and i just said oh okay. whatever. i preceeded being happy for the rest of the day and not letting that get me down because i'm sick of things like that controlling me. but that night, i got really stupid and decided to text her to see what was wrong and why she felt that way more so than ever. i hate and can't stand leaving things on the wrong foot. it's bad. then i get a random text from a number i've never seen before. it's her current boyfriend which she got within two weeks of us breaking up. which, i guess is good for her but he decided to act all arrogant and rude here's some of the texts exchanged between us: http://imgur.com/tqblmy7 http://imgur.com/imnmzkb http://imgur.com/tz3nv3o http://imgur.com/itqupoy i won't lie. it made me upset knowing she found something that fast and is laying next to them. just knowing the kind of things they could be doing. it irks me beyond extent. but not in a jealous way if that makes any sense. more because it's too soon and it's being thrown at me i suppose with no time to prepare. i was caught off guard. but i also will admit it made me feel dang great to retaliate against that little *insert foul language here* i threw so many insults and trolled him harder than i have ever done anyone. it made me feel good but it did however raise up my anxiety and depression instantly during it. i've never felt what anxiety was before and it made it unbearable to try to sleep. so i haven't slept for two days. and the depression feels even worse now. i don't know where to begin besides making myself a better person. ever since we broke up i've been working out 5 times a week and doing a new diet for myself to become more muscular and it's helping but i don't know for how long and what i did before to help myself isn't seeming to work. can some redditors give their thoughts please? most appreciated.

staring down a bottle of paint thinnerread a bunch of stories about life after death about suicides. they aren't all bad. it sounds like i'd spend a lot of time after death wondering wtf i did here and needing to wrap up loose ends, so i would just come right back. i'm ok with that. it's just my life right now is awful and it got really fucked up somewhere along the way where i'm incapable of doing anything for anyone anymore. nobody will hire me. what's so wrong with me you guys? can somebody help me get a job? it's been so long. i'm sitting here googling ways to make paint thinner taste alright.

being gayi am gay and: 1.my country is very homophobic 2. the public oppinion on gay people is extremely negative by the vast majority of people (88% according to a survey) 3. as a result of the negative public oppinion the laws are not going to change. another survey done by a major media says the best case scenario is 30-50 years at best 4. gay people here have no rights to marry or to have children by any possible means. 5. moving is not an option in my case. i want to move but i can't because i am still in university, also doing the work i study for in another country is absolutely unachievable. it would mean working here for years to gather money, then learning a language to a c1 level in both spoken language and medical terms, getting numerous approbations and certificates depending on where i want to go to, applying for all of which requires money, somehow managing to find a job before even going to the country or finding a landlord willing to give you a place to rent when you don't have a job and are basically unreliable because of that. and even after all these things it is still not certain if i get an approbation or end up wasting a ton of money and going back home. also, moving means leaving the only person to ever fully support me( my mom) by herself here with no family and friends.

dear parentwhat i wish i could say to you i wish i can be able to tell you things, and be heard by you. i wish i didn't have to shout my thoughts into the void. i wish i could be enough. i wish you'd try to understand that i'm not a lesser being, just a developing one. i wish you didn't have a fragile superiority complex. i wish you'd be able to see that i must make mistakes to learn. i wish you didn't panic and scream and throw things when you see me using the internet. i wish you weren't so anxious and obsessive and i wish you hadn't influenced me to become the same way. i wish you'd give me the same respect that you so desperately demand from me. i wish you didn't downplay my strengths. i wish you'd see me as a complete person and see my successes, not just my failures. i wish i could live up to your standards, i truly do. i wish you could see how hard i try, and not make me second guess every thought i have, idea i come up with, quality and characteristic i possess and decision i make. i wish you'd give me some space to be independent. i wish you didn't physically hit me every time i attempt communication. i wish you had faith in me, and believe that i have the ability to become a better person. i wish you'd give me advice when i need it the most, instead of belittling me. and finally, i wish you weren't so hard on yourself to be the best mother you can be, to provide for every single physical need and go above and beyond to the point where you'd prefer to have a puppet for a daughter. i wish you'd loved yourself enough to be able to show love to your child.

how do i escape the illogical thought processes?i'm so tired of sabotaging myself in all sorts of ways. is there any way for me to stop this? i want to take better care of myself in hopes that i'll meet someone but my disorders just keep getting in the way. even though i know most of my thoughts are irrational i can't help but think my isolation is proof.

link your favorite song and i’ll rate it out of 10 n o w

why shouldn't i just end it?if i do, i won't have to deal with all my issues. it's not like there will be consequences for me.

yo is it normal to have 150 bps? filler filler filler filler filler filler filler

things really would be better for everyone else if i wasn't around.in a general sense, there would be more food for other people. a couple more jobs. more gasoline for others. just more resources in general. my siblings could have my car. my parents won't have to worry about me anymore. i wouldn't be screwing anything up for my employers anymore. i just have no value. i'm not pleasant to look at. i'm not smart enough to be dependable. i can't be a shoulder to cry on, not that i'd want to be. i can't be anything for anyone, nor can i really be anything for myself. i'm just not competent. i just don't have the energy to go on anymore. my whole life is just humiliating. i am and will always be the fool. the idiot. can't learn from his mistakes if he doesn't remember them. not smart enough to keep up whenever a curve ball is thrown or a wrench is thrown into the system. i just can't stand the humiliation of my life. every day i prove to others i can't be trusted. how am i supposed to prove them otherwise when i can't even prove it to myself? i am incompetent. i try so hard to not be and yet i still am. i am literally a walking joke of a person, but it's not funny. i'll never have anything to be proud of. i'll never have anything i can't just hang my hat on. not even the smallest thing. i've never been useful enough to anyone. i am nothing. i'm so tired. i just can't keep facing people. i just can't do it. it hurts to look anyone in the face anymore. it hurts to see anyone and have them see me, to have to face them as my incompetent self. i can't keep pretending like i'm not. it just results in even more humiliation whenever i muster self respect and then fall flat on my moronic face. the only thing for me now is death. i have never been good enough, nor will i ever be. i will never be smart. i will never be good enough. i just want to crash my car into a tree.

i hope i die hopefully i get hit by a car or like a bus because then people will be like “oh it’s an accident” and not connect it to my depression 😀👍🏻

hey! how ya doing hello :d how r u

how the fuck do you open up to therapy?i've basically hadoukened my entire education for a few years now, leading me to be a no show at my current course for two weeks and having no work done over said weeks (fuck me). i previously got recommended to a counselor and psychiatrist person a couple years ago, but being me i lied a fuckton that i was fine because i just couldn't talk about my feelings, especially knowing that my family knew i was talking to someone and had those 'oh i'm so happy you're talking to someone' attitudes that just made me feel like i was burdening them and revealing too much of my emotions. this is the first time in years i've ever put my feelings into (probably illegible and poorly put together) words, and even that i can only do over the internet to strangers. anyway, venting over (thank fuck), considering my recent backslide and overwhelming temptation to say fuck it all and drive to anywhere but here, i am considering trying to talk to someone again, but if i do i don't want to cock it all up again and actually do therapy right this time (they can't help me if i don't help them and all that jazz) so i was wondering if any of you lot had any experiences opening up and could give my cold dead heart some tips on being a functioning communicative person. tldr; how in the cunting hell do people share emotions with a councellor, plz help my shy ass progress

i don’t know who needs to hear this but that is an anime character, they are not real they will never be real, they aren’t your waifu and they will never see or love you, go put some deodorant on

twiggy and the adventures of her weird dreams man i had a weird ass dream. so basically it started off at school with two friends, and we were leaving to go home, but the school had this big funhouse next to it. we wanted to go but we didn’t have money for a ticket. we then devised a plan to get through the door monitor, who also looked like jamie lee curtis for whatever reason, and one of us distracted her while the other two ran in. after we all ran in, she caught us and started chasing after us. we spent hours climbing across stairs and bridges (kinda like the stairwell from harry potter, but smaller and more childishly colourful.) and she would slowly run right after us. eventually when she was just about to catch us, we came across this weirdly shaped stairwell called the curtis escape, and we climbed to the top. apparently it was called the curtis escape because she had hip problems and couldn’t climb those stairs, so we just sat at the top of the stairs and watched her writhing in pain.

i just need to say these thingsi hate it. today i googled 'how do i kill myself', not that i was looking for ways immediately. i think about suicide so often, i think the word is losing its weight on me. so my casual search gave me a lot of "why you shouldn't kill yourself" and "i tried to kill myself and heres what happend' articles. one of the articles i picked started with sth like 'hello sir' and 'i know youre probably a man', felt unrelated so i only skimmed it. turns out it was written by a widow whose husband commited suicide, so my bad, im sorry for being bitter about you assuming what i am, also condolences to you madam. after that ive read many more. but what i hate is, pretty much all of these articles told me to think how will my family feel like. who will find my corpse. how i will turn their life into a nightmare. how killing myself doesnt end the suffering, it only transfers it to my loved ones. well, that's all great but how about i dont care. its not about them. its about me. here's a little background story: i'm 24, female, university student who hasnt been doing much student stuff for the last 2 years. i've been in depression for what it feels like forever, on and off, but ive been severely depressed for the last 2 years. i have a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist that works together, medication and therapy. i do have loved ones i guess, a family, a mother, father and a sister. some aunts. our family was broken many times, so this is what its left, and what its left tries to stay close as possible. we are very loving, sure, they had done wrong things, said hurtful stuff in the past to me but who doesn't? none of it was abusive or something along that line. and i have worked thru my issues with all that, and im no longer looking to blame anyone about past. my mother and sister know about my current situation with school, and about my self harming issue. they're very supportive. all that working on issues left me with one thing i cant defeat: myself. i am the problem. cheesy enough, i am also the solution. its all on me. i know what i need to do. but i dont. i am honestly tired of giving myself another chance. so, it is all about me. i dont think of suicide because my family is mean, or they don't understand, or i dont have any friends, or someone has done something wrong and everything went shit. i think of it because... i am tired. of myself. the classic, its not you, its *me*. i tired getting better, and i gave myself so many chances. but honestly, im growing impatient and i dont want it anymore. i could solve everything by just not being. by just not being alive. i dont wanna care what my family feel like, isnt this a personal matter? why do i guilt trip myself into thinking what other will feel/think? this was my first time posting here. just needed to type it out i guess, you guys might understand. and i know this post turned into a mess of words, so sorry abt that.

my time has come it's my birthday today, so as my last post i thought i'd share the top 19 songs played in my music library, most of which i've enjoyed in my last year as a teen. https://preview.redd.it/7jo4a911nfq61.png?width=1800&format=png&auto=webp&s=e3faac68f4b311a71547961ecd65a5668f6f42d3 [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0u4m7rtjlr5os3zzxffzle?si=29b2d06d598c461d](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0u4m7rtjlr5os3zzxffzle?si=29b2d06d598c461d) my #4 song isn't on spotify, but here's a youtube link [https://youtu.be/xc4d4zubzpu](https://youtu.be/xc4d4zubzpu) i hope you enjoy them

ye so i probably walked in on my parents doing the ooga not too sure, just nigga parent room have hair care i need, fbi open the bitch, sheets quickly turn like nyoom and stempop lets out a sigh, i spray my shit and skyooom the fuck out, eat a jello and brush my teeth and go play on the ps4 also stepmom, real one fucking gone pog

i may have severely damaged my brain by inhaling toxic fumes, and this makes me feel very despondent.hello, and thank you for reading. i have never been inflicted with such an intense hopelessness in my life. i ordered acoustic foam, and after unsealing the air-tight packaging, a virulent smell came out. i began to worry that it would affect my cognitive skills, and i feel that it already has and is continuing to do so. i suddenly acquired a headache, i became nauseous, and i also started to feel very exhausted. i immediately fell onto my bed and went to sleep, with the toxic panels still in the room. i woke up, and here i am, still dizzy and nauseous, with a headache. unless i throw them out, i am unable to place them outside of my room. i am stuck with them, and they are eating away at my brain, causing irreversible brain damage. i have done some research, and it appears that they may be a concoction of polyurethane and other chemicals. i had aspirations, dreams, and other things that i wanted to do. these were not far off, either, as i had been working tirelessly on them. i can't believe that acoustic foam is going to destroy all of that. without being at my peak, i will whither away into nothingness. i will no longer enjoy things. i can't think of a single that that i'd like to do, seeing as how my brain has been and is still being damaged. i desperately want to die. it is the only solution to this ailment. i would love to die. it would be a harsh and brutal end to this misery, but i cannot bear this hopelessness any longer. please know that i had dreams and things that i wanted to complete. i have enjoyed the exhilarating thrill of creativity; i have seen its awesome ability to entrance the mind, and the thought of never having another creative, apt thought fills me with despair.

hopeless romantic, wish i felt less hopeless. recently came face to face with an open emotional sore, need help healing it.i have anxiety/depression/sleep issues. since i'd rather not have those, i sometimes lurk in r/sleepy. someone posted a video of this [girl who does guided mediation for sleep and relaxation](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np9_xdp6a_e). she seems to be helping a lot of people, but not me. each time i try to watch her, she makes me want to cry. not ball, just cry in the way you might when you shed a tear after suddenly remembering that someone you love will die someday. in her videos she talks about holding your hand, offering you compassion, being a true friend, and as much as i want to, i can't even pretend to imagine that type of intimacy with someone so lovely, even in the context of a meditation fantasy. i know there's more to her than what she does in meditation (i mean, her youtube channel mentions liking heavy metal and hip hop) but in the context of what she's doing here, she's getting way too close to my soul with her beauty and compassion, and my heart can't take that. i think she reminds me of some ideal i just don't think i'm ever going to have in real life, and i can't even pretend to let someone like that get close to my subconscious, even in just a video. it's like that uber-depressing film *brazil*, with the dream woman in the clouds that you can never make contact with for more than a passing moment. i have dreams like that, and waking from them, i feel the most awful dread. i'm lucky in that i do have male and female friends, and i do date. and i'm sure the obvious short-term solution is "just don't watch her videos." but i have questions, and maybe this isn't the right subreddit, but: - what can i do to heal that part of my mind that reacts so strongly to beauty so that i can at least appreciate it in a positive way? - what are some good, healthy, useful books on the subject of love? - besides not bursting into tears, any good advice on dealing with those you are romantically interested in that strike you as both beautiful and genuinely compassionate, so you don't completely scare them off?

capital punishment is wrong i could talk about how it’s wrong to kill people regardless of circumstances as long as there not actively trying to harm others in that moment (it is) but i’m not going to because i thought of another reason. a lot of people who commit murder have a mental illness like psychosis that’s compelling them to do that and i hope we can all agree that we shouldn’t kill people who are killing people not because they want to but because voice in there head are competing them to and only stops when they do it, we should help them not kill them, i’m not saying there innocent, i’m just saying it was kinda out of there control

ive got a doctors appointment in 2 hours that i dont think i need.im currently a sophomore in highschool. this year has been hell for me, as was the last and the one before it. over the last 3 years, i developed a lot of cynicism and this year i realized that i might be depressed. now im quite certain that i am, and when i realized it i immediately sough help. i went to a family psychologist type guy and we talked for a bit. this will be my second visit, but ive recently come to understand somethingi like being like this. maybe 'like' isnt exactly correct, but its comfortable. every time im happy, theres always something to bring me right back down. now, i just don't care anymore. nothing can hurt me emotionally. no one can touch me. i dont want to be "fixed". is that so wrong?

hey girl are u online learning? cos i can never understand a thing u say

thoughts on forever alone and incels?has a 27 chronic acne male autistic incel ever gotten better? literally ever?

it's funny that the last time that i made a passive suicidal ideation, the local fire department kicked in the door to my building, 2 cops, 8 paramedics banged on my door while i was asleep, asked me if i was going to kill myself, and i went back to sleep.but, you're not here to call anyone this time.

don't y'all just love it when you spend day and night for over a year helping your friend get into a better mental state and once they are they basically fuck you off and give all the credit to another person and act like you did nothing but make it worse. personally i find it so enjoyable

i'd like to think that i have a good music taste everyone who has listened to my spotify playlists, listened to my song recommendations or requested me to play songs whenever we are in a call said the songs i played are good

my sister is depressed,help! :(my little sis is 11 years old.she cut herself saying she wanted to die.this worries me a lot,and i have no idea if it's a phase or what.what do i do?

i want to cut myselfi feel ignored for all the people,i feel like i'm just a shit for y'all, i've trying to kill myself like 7 times but i didn't.. i've cutting myself since the 2009.. and i didn't for 3 years.. and now i want to cutting myself again.. so tell me.. i have to do that?

my depression is overcoming mei’m so lost. i feel so worthless and feel like i have no place in this world. my anxiety makes it impossible to grow as a person and i just have no positive outlooks anymore. i know i’m not going anywhere in life and i don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. i see a therapist but my parents are against me taking any sort of medication to help me. i just don’t know what to do and i’m honestly scared for myself. i just need some advice on how to get over all the thoughts i have so i can be here for the people i love as long as possible

yeah, i work w, wtf is my life i'm so sad and fucking lonely why do i live when all i will do is die and nothing more what if i never make an impact never even make someone happy does that make my life worthless what even defines a life worth is anyone's life worth something or are we all sad sad human beings following our instincts of survival but not knowing if those instincts are even worth it not knowing that we're all deep down just so fucking worthless and that life was and always will be a failure. o, r, k,

not living, just existing.not really sure why i'm posting here when i have websites like ss to go on (if you don't know what that is, i'm not going to explain it in case i get banned from here), i feel like i've been on that site for years and have seen people come and go yet i'm stuck standing still. i've ordered my method of choice online but when it gets here i doubt i'll use it. i always make these plans up in my head and then can't even go through with them due to exhaustion and just general unwilling to make an effort. plus i'm living with someone too and he's the last person i'd want to find me in such a state. he puts up with so much of my shit already. i've spent all of today in bedgot out of bed properly about 3pm, ate, went back to snooze until 10pm. now awake wondering if i should just go back to sleep. i know it's my own fault for not reaching out and connecting with people at a time like this but i don't have the energy. would like to just hide in my bed for the rest of my existence.

welp boys i might have covid my brother was in contact with someone with it and is now coughing really bad, and now i am coughing really bad. i know i’m a teenager so i shouldn’t be super worried by my lungs are pretty fucked, and i’ve been staying inside most of this time so my immune system is probably pretty fucked too. but oh well, if i end up dying, it’s been a good ride.

weird video i found a weird video and [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=okjzypn4erw) is the video

i need a new show i recently finished community #sixseasonsandamovie and i really liked the meta-ness of it. any recommendations?

i need a reason to liveanything. why do you want to live? i need something

don't be a weenie. but a yub beanie use code markiplier in the epic games store or fortnite item shop

i decided to get helpi saw a psychologist at my university. she's meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow to talk about me and they'll figure out who to refer me to next and what kind of help would be best for me. she already told me that i'm probably going to need a lot of help and i'll most likely be put on medication too. i'm fucking terrified. but after fighting this on my own for so many long years, i think it's time for me to give outside help a chance. i'm tired of feeling this way. maybe this will be good for me.

a shitty 3am poem by me"your futures look so bright." i know they say. "your brother's future looks so bright." i think they think. "what are your plans?" they ask and ask. "i don't know." i always say. i've never been able to construct a realistic future anyway.

i would like to enlighten you://youtu.be/lomhrxilwny

ahaha my shoes are kinda big ahaha do you want to maybe put them on together ahaha maybe

my coping mechanism is numbnessthis is my first time posting on this subreddit but i just need people to talk to that understand. my family does not understand, my boyfriend thinks it's a problem to be solved, and my best friend wants to be a psychiatrist and i feel like a project to her. has anyone else experienced extreme numbness or apathy as a coping mechanism for depression? all the time i feel like the only way that i can handle the day is if i do nothing. i don't move. i don't speak. i don't think. and therefore i don't feel anything. i sleep all the time. any time that i try to be around people i feel like a robot forcing myself to say anything or smile at appropriate times. most days i just put some music on or a tv show that i don't watch or listen to an just sit and be numb. i don't know how to be a person anymore. also, i barely care about anything. i don't care about the people in my life, my job, or school. anyone else felt like this? what did you do?

i’m wondering how some of you guys are going to celebrate valentines day. i i m going to celebrate it with my lucina and corrin plushies.

am i alonei feel like i dont belong anywhere. i have a longing to get far away from where i am because it doesn't feel like i should be here. but i don't know where i belong

i wish i could end my life but i don’t want to hurt my familyi try to make it short as possible as of 2 september 2019 i’m 16 years old i keep on failing my exam i being i goddam disappointed to my family, they love i know that but they just want me and my two siblings to be successful right now my two siblings are young not doing any exam. me i want to be a police officer i want to help people and protect people. since i failed my exam for the first time i lost a big part of me. and this year got d’s in my exam. now i’m losing my mind i want to hurt people (not my family) but just strangers and sometimes i enjoy watching people suffer it puts a smile to my face and then i suddenly i think to myself what the hell i’m smiling fori want to kill myself more than ever but i have a wonderful family so i don’t have the balls to do it, i can’t let them lose another child again (he did not die of suicide) i have huge amount of anger in me. i never really had a best friend, have friends but i know after i leave school i most likely won’t see them again i’m disparate to get at least one friend someone who will always have my back, someone i could laugh withhave fun with but. i have feeling that person i want as best friend i doesn’t even existed and yeah i never had a girlfriend most likely it’s because really talk to them and my personality was mostly likely shit, like most people and don’t want to be rejected but anyone also i hate failing in anythingeach time i fail in anything it feels like i’m losing my mind become crazy i get mood swings a lot, sometimes i think i’m going to be successful in life but other time i feel like i’m going to be a massive failure in life. i don’t know who i am anymore feels like it’s two different people in me. thank you to who ever read this far i doubt anyone will have any real answers for me, but i just wanted to try. hopefully i could come back later after a couple of years and give you a update. have a good day

long incoherent rant. frustrated beyond belief.sorry if this is an incoherent post. basically i think i have some mental disorders. im extremely frustrated and i have no idea what to do. basically my whole life, ive been mediocre or terrible at everything i do. i have no real skills. even when it comes to things i truly enjoy im just not good compared to "normal" folks. im in my late 20's and im living with my dad, i have a part time job working 3rd shift (only getting about 18 hours a week so not enough to live off of) i really enjoy my job, its easy on my mentally but i have trouble with attendance. sometimes out of nowhere, i just feel so mentally fatigued that i cant function properly and i call in to work which happens way too much. ive been there for about 5 years now and ive been on the verge of termination for almost the entire time. (thankfully they are extremely lenient about it) this mental fatigue effects every other aspect of my life. during the day i barely leave my house. i live in an area with shitty traffic and i just cant handle driving in it, im terrified of getting in a car wreck if i get in a car wreck, i dont know how to handle it, i absolutely hate driving and on top of that i just rarely feel motivated to even leave. this keeps me away from my friends, im also terrified of getting skin cancer lately because i have a ton of moles and a couple that might even qualify as asymetrical or whatever. im too scared to go see a doctor because even though i have insurance im terrified of what my bill is gonna look like and even more terrified of what my diagnosis is. i also suffer from what i think is anxiety, i get dizzy a lot when i try to sleep (possibly some kind of vertigo?), i think (and i hope) im just a hypocondriac. ive suffered form these things for years and havent died yet so hopefully that's all it is. i think a lot of my symptoms are from depression and i think i might suffer from aspergers or some kind of autism. i just have so many issues that it's overwhelming and i havent even listed a lot of them. i feel like im never going to amount to anything in life, if my dad dies im on my own and i would end up being homeless. i have amazing friends and family who would help me out for a bit but i cant ever see myself as someone who can be sucessful. i know i could get another job but i cant mentally handle it. i can barely handle the 3 1/2 hours i spend at work every day and normal people work 4 times as much as that at even more mentally/physically intense jobs. at this point, im just a broken piece of shit just living with my dad. i pay 50 bucks a week in rent, 75 a month for my cell plan, and probably 30-40 on groceries a week. my dad pays my car insurance and helps me any time i have car issues. what sucks is that i am fairly normal looking to everyone so im expected to be normal like everyone else. so they see my stupid daily struggles as laziness. my dad wants me to get another job. i should get another job. im a lazy piece of shit but i really dont want to be a lazy piece of shit. sometimes i have bursts of motivation but they never last long. looking back, it's been that way my entire life. even through shcool i could never stay focused or motivated on anything for long. i would start off with great grades but for whatever reason id get mentally exahusted and give up. i constantly mispronounce words and people notice and give me shit for it. i just dont know what to do. i just want to live the rest of my life being content, not slaving away at 2-3 jobs being able to do normal people shit like sit in traffic, go to the doctor, interact with people. maybe theres some sort of disability program for people like me but how do i even possibly get involved with something like that? "hey doctor i think im retarded!" i cant even compose a well thought out rant about this shit as you can probably tell. and even then, what if this is all just in my head and im perfectly normal. how do i get past this humongous amount of baggage i have weighing me down? i just feel like im going to be sitting here, mentally fatigued until i end up homeless and end up having to kill myself. i dont want that to happen and i have thought about it plenty these past several years. ive never come close to committing to it but im scared that might eventually change. (im sorry if this isnt the right subreddit for this. /r/offmychest removed my rant)

any gamers around here? i'd use a gaming buddyhear me out please so yeah, for the past 3 years i've been boosting accounts in csgo, apex legends, league of legends, r6 and overwatch for moneyyet all that has a really tryhardy vibe to it, and even tho i like doing what i do (no cheats to it ofc), i need some chill and this is why i'm here, i don't really have friends to chill with on some random non pvp games, so if anyone around here wants to lay back, chill, enjoy the vibe and run around together, no matter what game, even minecraft is ok hahthen drop me a dm, please. thanks for your attention <3

i don't know what to do.lately i've been wondering what to do. my so called friends seem to only care about their boyfriend or girlfriend and they seem to not care about anyone else or even attempt to care. they like to ignore all the single people within our group and do not notice when they are excluding others and are completely unaware of it. i feel like since they are all couples and choose to ignore me that i shouldn't even be here. what's the point? not like it'd matter if i was gone..it'd be the exact same. no one would care.

need someonei need someone to talk to im losing my mind

i’m just tired. mentally. i don’t know. nothing makes me happy anymore. i died a long time ago. i wanted to die, and in a way i did. i’m not the same person i was i know the “ohh you’re a teenager you’re just going through what everyone else has!” i dont want to hear it. did you all fucking want to throw yourself off a cliff? curl up into a ball and die, because everything you know is destroying you. you can’t breathe and the weight of the world is crushing you. it’s grabbed you by the throat and is choking you to death. you’re throat is closed up and you’re just hysterically laughing at this cruel joke. haven’t eaten or slept for days with a wide eyed, broken laugh just laughing. a cold, uneasy, broken laugh i went through that and i feel like i can’t feel happiness anymore. i wanted to die so bad then i don’t know what happened. things don’t make me happy like they used to. i’m just considering working myself to death. i want to make myself of use before i completely give up. i can’t enjoy the journey so might as well only aim for the destination ..im just tired.... sorry......