Newsgroup: it.cultura.horror
Titolo: [LUNGO][INGLESE] Horror know-how

Probabilmente molti di voi lo conosceranno già (e forse è anche già stato
postato qualche secolo addietro), ma questo piccolo "know-how" del
fruitore/personaggio di film horror merita di sicuro una riscoperta!
Mi dispiace per quelli che non sanno l'inglese, ma proprio non avevo voglia
di tradurlo...
^___^
*****
WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE VIDEO STORE
1. Avoid any movie that has a 2, 3, or any other sign of a sequel, they
almost always suck! This also applies to Son of, Daughter of....
2. If you see "From the maker of...", it is usually not as good as "...".
3. Avoid any movie directed by Allen Smithee.
4. If the movie has a warning about shocking scenes, they usually are not in
today's video climate.
5. If Jamie Lee Curtis is on the cover, RENT IT! She usually takes her top
off. (Just Kidding!)
6. Most Edgar Allen Poe, HP Lovecraft, Stephen King, Dean R Koontz and VC
Andrews novels translate horribly on film.
7. Most slasher flicks are in some way ripping off Friday the 13th,
Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street or Psycho.
8. Most holidays have been turned into horror movies, so don't be surprised
if you soon find The Martin Luther King Day Massacre.
9. If Tim Thomerson or any sort of evil looking doll is on the cover, It is
a Full Moon production, avoid it as they seem to always suck!
10. If the villain is on the cover it usually kills the plot.
If you want people to stop annoying you on what is good to watch,
recommend Eraserhead, I can guarantee you they will never ask you again.
WHEN WATCHING THE MOVIE
1. Never eat any meal that may come up at the first sight of blood.
2. Never yell at the TV screen, they can't hear you.
3. If you turn off the lights someone will always turn them on at the good
part.
4. Phone rings are always scarier during Brian DePalma movies.
5. Ladies are never turned on by gore, naked women or grotesque monsters.
6. Always rewind the tape when you put it in, 9 time outta 10 some schmuck
stopped the tape at the credits or at the climax.
7. The previews are always better then the movie.
8. If the previews include obscure, unknown films, the film will suck.
9. Turn off the close captioning, it spoils most movies.
10. Music videos do not belong on horror movies.
WARNING!!!
If you find any movie that has an unrated (NR) and R version, avoid the R
rated one like the plague. They usually cut all the cool scenes outto comply
to those morals clauses.
HORROR MOVIE CLICHES
-Summer Camps
1. Avoid any camp not named for an Indian like Crystal Lake or Sleepaway.
2. If you are a counselor, avoid picking on shy kids, they do get revenge.
3. If you are a camper, befriend the shy loner types, they need the
companionship.
4. Overly friendly counselors may be recent asylum escapees.
5. Make sure they put away all knives, arrows and other potential weapons.
6. If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods!
7. Campfire legends always come back to haunt you.
8. If you encounter any figure wearing a hockey mask, you're a goner!
9. Don't go scurrying in the counselors cabin, you may discover a secret
hobby.
10. If you happen to survive the carnage in the first film, don't appear in
a sequel, you will be offed in the first few minutes.
-Colleges
1. Most of the students are always way too stupid to be in college.
2. The big time jocks are always the first to go, so brawn does not matter.
3. If you are a blonde with big breasts, don't get naked or you're a goner.
4. Never go exploring in that creepy deserted building.
5. Avoid any college with asylums or prisons near by.
6. Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving.
7. Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered
in blood.
8. If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue.
9. If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected
pledges, especially if they were released from a nearby asylum.
10. Campus Police are pretty much on the level of Keystone Kops.
11. Never stay in the dorms during extended holidays.
-If You Are The Murdering Killer Type
1. You can only do your killing on a holiday, so remember to avoid the
summer camps and college dorms in August.
2. Guns are never to be used, so go raid a hardware store or local barn.
3. If you are disfigured or have a limp, even better!
4. When chasing women through the woods, soon enough they will trip and
fall.
5. If you are an only child, somehow you won't be if there is a sequel.
6. Always use a mask, even if Halloween is months away.
7. Always avoid bitter, disgruntled cops that put you away once before.
8. Don't worry about getting killed by the macho tough guys, you will always
win.
9. Strong mother fixations tend to be a big plus, so remember mom well.
10. If you are a woman and a killer, you will die at the end. No
female-killer ever seems to live.
11. Keep in mind that you are most likely invincible but try not to talk, if
you do then you must always crack jokes.
-Government
1. If you happen to wander onto any abandoned government facilities, do so
at your risk.
2. Any container or package put away by the Army is almost always harmful.
3. If you happen to see any men wearing white environment suits, PRAY! 4. If
you happen to meet any men wearing dark suits and dark glasses at night,
they are probably not part of any government agency on Earth.
5. Any government developed virus or biological agent has no known cure.
6. If you see any large unmarked vehicles in a convoy, get out of town!
7. If you are being attacked by zombies, the government will nuke you and
deny everything.
8. Government issued containers or steel drums will break down or fail at
the wrong time.
9. If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated.
10. Remember they will deny everything! Take a hint from Agent Fox Muhlder
and Trust No One!
-Zombies
1. If you ever see anyone walking that you know is dead, they are a ZOMBIE!
2. If you ever get bitten by a zombie, you will soon become one.
3. Remember that a well placed gunshot in the head usually does the trick.
4. Zombies love brains, nice warm BRAINS!
5. Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get
shot.
6. If a loved one is killed by a zombie, burn them quickly.
7. Never try to outrun a zombie, they somehow always manage to catch you.
8. If they are Redneck Zombies, give them some moonshine and have them play
a banjo.
9. Never piss off a Haitian Medicine man or you will become a zombie.
10. Never use fire to ward off zombies as it will usually burn out at the
crucial moment.
11. If you happen to be in an Italian Zombie movie, have a big barf bag
ready.
-Demonic Stuff
1. Never read anything called The Book of the Dead, The Necronomicon, The
Satanic Bible or play with weird puzzle boxes, Quija boards or any other
device that summons the evil or dead. They tend to be both!
2. Never name your child Damien.
3. If your child spits up green vomit and has a head spinning complex, call
an exorcist and stop serving them peas.
4. Never promise your first born to any weird group, they will come to pick
it up.
5. If you happen to wander upon a gathering of robed people with pentagrams
on the floor, walk away as fast as you can.
6. Never give your blood or volunteer to give any bodily fluid to any robed
group.
7. Demons seem to be impervious to bullets, unless your name is Ash.
8. Summoning spirits during a seance usually brings really cranky, angry
ghosts.
9. Evil looking fluids buried under churches should stay there.
10. Never sign a deal with the devil, he is worse then any record club about
collection.
-Bimbos, Babes and Sluts!
1. If a Playboy or Penthouse centerfold model appears, more then likely she
is the villain and a vampire.
2. The most stuck up and bitchy cheerleader gets it first. But first she
must somehow get naked.
3. When you confront a potential intruder, a fireplace poker is usually not
going to stop a Jason or Freddy type killer.
4. If you are a plain Jane or just plain ugly, you are not usually important
to the plot.
5. Babes are never meant to survive, unless they are being saved to become
the killers breeding stock.
6. Bimbos are more likely to enter a creepy looking building or suggest that
a well armed group break up.
7. Woman should never get naked or go skinny dipping, it usually draws the
killer or over sexed maniacs to you.
8. The likelihood of a bimbo becoming a hero is in direct relation to the
release of Aliens. Before not likely, after hell yah!
9. When making a Women in Prison movie, your bimbos must be dressed in the
latest from Frederick's and Victoria's Kinky Secret.
10. If the babe is meant to be the hero from the start, its because she is
related to the killer. That's a hard fast definite.
11. When a babe gets killed, somehow she has to get topless so you can look
at her breasts before she dies.
-Alien Menace
1. If you happen to get a strange message and decipher it, beware of eminent
Invasion.
2. If you happen to find a derelict ship of unknown origin, send in robots.
3. Never get close to anything that resembles an egg, hive or pod.
4. If your friend behaves rather strangely, they may be under alien
influence or really stoned!.
5. Never try to get in contact with a hostile entity, whatever higher
intelligence they possess, they ain't telling you!
6. Unlike Earth machines, Alien machines can lay dormant for thousands of
years.
7. Flying saucers can outrun, out shoot and out fly anything built by man.
8. Make sure when you abandon ship that the escape craft only contains those
you wish to save.
9. If you happen to have nuclear or fusion weapons at hand. USE THEM! 10.
Never trust a company spokesman, they usually want to screw you in exchange
for the xenomorph.
*****
--
MAX BARONI
buio....@tiscalinet.it
"Siamo noi, siamo in tanti, che ci nascondiamo di notte
per paura degli automobilisti e dei linotipisti
siamo gatti neri, siamo pessimisti, siamo i cattivi pensieri
e non abbiamo da mangiare..."
(LUCIO DALLA - Com'è profondo il mare)
http://www.geocities.com/modsmilano

"Siamo noi, siamo in tanti, che ci nascondiamo di notte
per paura degli automobilisti e dei linotipisti
siamo gatti neri, siamo pessimisti, siamo i cattivi pensieri
e non abbiamo da mangiare..."
(LUCIO DALLA - Com'è profondo il mare)
http://www.geocities.com/modsmilano
....... !!!!!!!
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