Newsgroup: it.arti.fantasy
Titolo: [FWD] [LONG] [HUMOR] [ENGLISH] Undead technical support


Date: Thu, 03 Jan 2002 05:25:29 GMT
ok, a friend posted this on a mailing list I'm on, and it's utterly
hilarious... just thought I'd share...(shakes head, thinking how so
few dwaggies would ever do these thingies...)
Undead Technical Support Hotline
(ring ring)
TechSup: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name
and the date of your death?
Customer: Ummmm, yes... I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a GREAT AND
MIGHTY VAMPIRE!!!
TS: Can I please have your date of death, sir, as we have currently
around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file? It is a fairly common name among
the undead.
Cust: Ummm, yes... uhhh... well, you see, I haven't actually died
yet... I was just sort of, you know, looking to see if someone would,
like, you know, bite me, or if there is some sort of trial period?
TS: Yes, sir, unfortunately we can not provide that service. I would,
however, point you towards you nearest foreboding castle or dark alley
to find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.
Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
                       ---
(ring)
TS: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm... Herman Carpinski, July 12 1876.
TS: So, what can I help you with?
Cust: I need to know how I deal with this whole rotting problem.
TS: Rotting?
Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep falling off, and there is this rather
horrible smell.
TS: Ummmm, sir? Were you killed by having an undead bite your neck and
suck your blood?
Cust: No, some guy danced a lot and blew dust into my face.
TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire, as it were; you are what is
known as a zombie, and while I can not really provide support for
that, I can tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal. However,
I can give you the Zombie Support Line.
Cust: Thank you.
                       ---
(ring ring)
TS: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
TS: I understand, sir. Becoming one of the walking, undead,
blood-sucking fiends of the world is a big step --
Cust: NO, that is not what I am talking about, you  *bleepity bleep
bleep*!
TS: Sir, if you will please calm down, perhaps I can help you?
Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!
TS: I can get you a manager, sir, but they will have to call you back
in a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can help you with?
Cust: YEAH! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN THING!!!!
TS: Excuse me, sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly standard to
all vampire types, so that behavior is by design.
Cust: It is not! It says right here, in this pamphlet I downloaded
from the internet, that if I ingest the blood of 12 virgins on 12
consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs -- which I have done
mind you -- then it won't affect me, and I am still vulnerable to the
sun! So what gives?
TS: Ummmm... well, sir, as that is a different, um, application of
your powers, you probably want to talk to the people who wrote it, or
if it is something akin to your particular type of vampire you may
wish to speak to the person who brought you across --
Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!!
(click)
You know, I honestly hate calls like that. I mean, what is with these
people -- is it my fault they don't read the fine print? I mean, ok,
immortality is cool and the vampire powers are nifty, but they always
just call me when they can't deal with this crap, and expect me to
deal with it, and I mean -- one sec got a call --
(ring ring)
TS: Undead Techni-
Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE AND
HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE "DIE FOUL FIEND!"
TS: Ok, sir, please calm down.
Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE IS BATTERING DOWN THE
DOOR AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
TS: Ok, sir, are you vulnerable to holy symbols?
Cust: Ummm, no. I am a farquath vampire -- we don't do the holy symbol
thing.
TS: Ahh, good! I also see your kind of vampire has increased strength
and speed, and can take a lot of punishment. OK, is he through the
door yet, and is there more than one of them?
Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses and one of them has a
crossbow.
TS: Hmmm. Ok, do you have a phone book?
Cust: Yes... WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK GOING TO DO?!?!
TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if I am going to help you, ok?
Cust: All right -- now what? They are almost through the door!
TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket over your heart. When they
come though the door let them shoot you with the crossbow, and then
hit the one in front as hard as you can.
Cust: Ok, I'll try. I am not very violence-literate, though.
TS: That's ok, just follow my instructions.
(sounds of crashing, a muted thunk, and a loud scream)
Cust: Ok, there are two more. Now what?
TS: Ok, throw the one you hit as hard as you can at the second one,
and then grab the third by the throat and lift him off the ground.
(loud crashing and some moaning, followed by choking and gurgling
noises.)
Cust: Ok, I have the head guy dangling - now what?
TS: Now look into his eyes and laugh maniacally.
Cust: heh heh hehehe heh
TS: Ummm -- try a more maniacal laugh, kind of like this:
MUHAHAHAHAHA...
Cust: Wow, you scared me! Ok, I'll try: muhahahaha. How was that?
TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me. "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN INSECT! DIE
LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" Then please squeeze as hard as you can.
(Customer repeats statement. A cracking noise is heard from the
phone.)
Cust: Nothing is happening.
TS: Sir, I meant squeeze with the hand you are holding him with.
Cust: OH!! Ok.
(wet cracking sound is heard)
Cust: Wow, this isn't so hard! Maybe I will get the hang of this whole
violence thing! Thanks so much for your help!!
TS: That's quite all right. You have a good night now.
(click)
See now, I kind of like those calls. I got to help someone, and you
know, that's what this job is all about.  Am I one of the undead? Heck
no, I don't care much for the hours. Really, I am just doing this for
money while I study for my Occult Sciences degree. Then I can go out
and make some real money as either an Undead Admin or maybe a
troubleshooter type, because you know support is great experience for
that sort of thing. It gets you to working with people and
understanding things; like I know tons about the undead vampire types
and I heard we are going to start to support werewolves and dippy
magic-users next. Hey man if they want to train me I'm not going to
complain, I mean after all --
(ring ring)
TS: Undead Technical Support, can I have your name and the time of
your death?
Cust: Ummmm, uh, like, is this where I call for, like, problems with
being a vampire?
TS: Yes it is.
Cust: Ok, so, like, do I have to drink blood? That's kinda gross;
can't it just be kool-aid or something?
TS: No, I'm sorry, but blood is definitely a requirement.
Cust: Oh, well, ummm... ok.
TS: Anything else I can help you with?
Cust: Ummm, yeah, can I like catch AIDS and things from bad blood?
TS: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go of mute button) Sir, you're
dead, ok? You really don't have to worry about that.
Cust: Oh, ok.  How do I get the blood?
TS: Generally you bite people.
Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye. (click)
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are times when this job gets on
my nerves... But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, cool -- I get to start
training today for supporting werewolves and magic users. Wow, and
Vampire hunters too - you would think that would be a conflict of
interest. Oh well...
                          ---
(2 weeks of training later)
Instructor: ...Ok, just to go over a few things. First of all, we do
NOT support major summoning or world-destroying rituals. And if your
customer is a werewolf and have just shifted so they can no longer
communicate with you, you'll need to direct them to the Growling &
Grunting Specialist. Any questions?
TS: Ok, now, what exactly constitutes a major summoning? And what is
our policy if, like... I dunno, they attempted a summoning and, like,
screwed up the name and got a major demon lord kinda thing instead of
the minor imp they were trying for?
Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive, you would probably want to
Escalate it. Any other questions?
                            ---
(Later that month)
(ring ring)
TS: Shapeshifter Technical support, may I please have your name and
the type of shifter you are?
Cust: This is Derek Thorfin, and I am having this problem...
(scratching noises) I can't get around it --I can't get this damn hair
to go away after I shift. It's this one patch and it just will not go
away.
TS: Hmmm. Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on your chest and
abdominal area?
Cust: Yes, actually, it is.
TS: Well, sir, that will not go away, as you are a shifter by position
rather than by birth. That patch of hair is the mark of the animal
demon that currently possesses you.
Cust: So when will there be a solution to this problem?
TS: Well, sir, that particular behavior, as I have said, is a side
effect of being a shifter.
Cust: Oh. So when are you going to fix it? 'Cause I don't like this
hair -- it itches.
TS: Sir, as I said, this is something that cannot be fixed -- unless
you want to go through a cleansing ritual and give up being a
shapeshifter, that is.
Cust: No, you don't understand. I want this hair gone, and you need to
tell me how to get rid of it. Got that, fella? 'Cause if not I'll have
to come down there and rend you limb from limb because I am a
werewolf, got that geeky boy?  Now, you tell me that secret way you
have of getting rid of this here hair --
TS: Sir, I have to tell you that if you continue to be threatening, I
will have to terminate this call and refer your case to our security
department. Now, that being said, we do not have any secret way of
doing this --
Cust: All right, that's it! You're lying to me! Either tell me or I
come down there and REND ALL YOU *bleepity bleep bleep bleepity bleep*
INTO SMALL QUIVERING CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEKY BOY?!! WHAT
DO YOU SAY TO THAT, HUH?!!  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH?!!
TS: I am sorry, sir, I need to terminate this call. (click)
(A few days later)
(Loud growling, followed by a loud pop, followed by silence)
Hmmmm... I wonder if I should have told him about the silver trap we
have for werewolves. Oh well, back to work...
                           ---
(ring ring)
TS: Mystical Technical Support, may I please have your name and the
name of your group, or contract number if you are an independent?
Cust: Yeah my name is Mike Evenstar, and I am a member of the Most
Glorious Order of Hipocratus and Ptoleme.
TS: Ok, sir, what can I help you with?
Cust: Well, it is a small thing, really, I was just wondering what
would happen if... ummmm... well, when summoning a 9th level elemental
spirit, if I had gotten two of the glyphs wrong?
TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head pounding on table is heard)
Cust: Well... ummmmm, I sort of changed the "9" into a "90", and the
"elemental" to "demonic" --
TS: Ummm, sir, can you hang on a second?
Cust: Sure, no problem, but please hurry -- the glowing purple thing
is getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding.
TS: I'll hurry, sir. (hits mute button) Aghh! why do I get these
calls?  (lets go of mute button) Ok, sir, what I want you to do is
please follow these steps: First, open the door to the room you are
in. Second, step through it, and thirdly run as fast as you can. Then
call this number: 555-DUMB. This is a service we refer people to that
cleans up this sort of thing.
Cust: Ok, so I open the --
(a wet crunching sound, a scream and then silence)
TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh well...
Well, this is cool -- I got promoted to Major Conjurations and
Summonings, and Escalation Support, last week. It means more money,
etc., although now I end up with even bigger problems to deal with.
Anyway, more training, I guess...
                        ---
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go for it.
Other Tech: Ok, I got this guy who says that he is trying a major
summoning, and he has a wizard class account so he is covered, but I
have no clue what the deal is... He has the sacrifice he needs, all
his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has the blue pillar of fire
going for him. Could you take it, please?  Frankly, I'm stumped.
TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause) Hiya, I hear you're
having some problems?
Cust: Yes, I can't understand it.  I have all the materials, and
everything appears to be all right -- I have the gateway open, but I
am getting no response to the truename.
TS: A sacrifice was mentioned. Could you tell me what kind?
Cust: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was needed, and she is
waiting right here all bound and prepared for the demon to come
through and rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper amount
of screaming.
TS: (knowing chuckle) Ummmm... did you say virgin sacrifice? And how
old is she?
Cust: She is 17, and I had her checked out beforehand, she is a
virgin.
TS: Yeah.  Tell me, do you have a teenage assistant? A young male
assistant, perhaps?
Cust: Well, yes, I... DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, Jedrick, come over here! I
swear that I will peel the skin off your back and feed you to
[truename of major demon omitted]!
TS: Sir, you know that saying names like that in front of open
gateways can be a bad thing.
Cust: Huh? What, you mean [truename omitted]? Why would that be bad?
TS: Sir, I would once again advise against saying that name in front
of a gateway.
Cust: Oh, come on, no-one actually expects [truename omitted] to
answer, I mean he -- (sound of a thunder clap)
TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might get written up.
                          ---
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.
TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he needs help with it?
OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he was on the phone and, um, it
somehow got my name, and now it says it owns my soul as well, and I am
kinda in over my head... HELP please.
TS: Ok, go ahead and conference it, and listen in, ok?
OT: Ok, here goes.
Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE, ALL OF THEM!!!
TS: Ah, yes, you are the demon, correct?
Demon: Yes, I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are mine, by the
contract of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
TS: Ah, yes. One thing I need to tell you, though...
Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!
TS: notraghtaR! BY THE POWER OF YOUR UNNAMING, DEMON, BEGONE!!!!
Demon: NOOOOOO!! AHHHHHHH THE PAIN!! NOOOooooooooo... (fades into
nothing)
TS: See, no problems - you just can't let those demons push you
around.
OT: Cool. Thanks, dude!
                         ---
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Got an irate, please take her?
TS: (sigh) Go for it.
Cust: NOW, YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER CONJURER AND I KNOW  IT IS
NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY MATERIALS!  I KNOW BIG
PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND YOU'LL ALL BE TURNED INTO TOADS!!!
TS: Ma'am, if you will please calm down and read me your conjuring
formula, maybe I can help you.
Cust: Oh, very well.
(long incomprehensible formula follows.)
TS: Ma'am, I think I found your problem: it is on the 3rd, 8th, and
21st lines.
Cust: OH REALLY? AND WHAT IS THAT, MISTER SMARTY PANTS?
TS: Ma'am, 2+2 is equal to 4, not 8.
Cust: WHY YOU IMPERTINENT -- ummm... (click)
TS: Thank you for calling magic support.
    Just a monkey,
        Scott
[sign snipped]
Parvati V
-- 
Vogliamo la ristampa di 3x3 occhi! 
http://hey.to/3x3eyes
IHGGera #1069, IAFa #182 ^^^
"The Angel's Tree! / The Angel's Tree! / I'm going to see the Angel's Tree!
No Knight, / No Sorceress, nor Dog have I, / But Varkias! Varkias! 
Away up in the Angel's Tree! / Oh let him still be there for me!
[Thieves and Kings, vol.1]

, 
gray...@libero.it
 
says...
<cut the monkey...>
ROTFL ROTLF ROTFL ROTFL ROTLF ROTFL ROTFL ROTLF ROTFL <<Chunk!>>
Azz. C'era un PC "on the floor". Aio.
GRANDIOSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Segue disseminazione....
Rik
-- 
Il Nada
email: 
nadalini@remove_me.uni-muenster.de