Newsgroup: it.arti.fantasy
Titolo: [IN INGLESE] Se Peter Jackson avesse diretto "La Passione"...

If Peter Jackson had directed The Passion ...
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Jesus would be 21 instead of 33, to make him
more attractive to young audiences, and his mission
would be to free the Jews from the Romans, as many
Jews had been expecting him to do.
The first big fight scene would be in the Garden
of Gethsemane, and many Romans and Jewish police would
lose their ears and other body parts.
After that, throughout the movie the Roman army would
steadily increase, becoming gigantic by the end.
Judas would identify Jesus with a hug and meaningful
tears instead of a kiss.  Then a flashback would
present the Last Supper, rewritten to be primarily a
rowdy argument among the disciples about how best to
deal with the Jews and the Romans.  Judas would leave
in a huff, muttering that he was going to put a stop
to this.  Jude Fisher would say on the DVD that if
she had been King James' editor she would have loved
to take a blue pencil to the overly wordy Gospel of
John's account of the dinner conversation.
The second big fight scene would be when the
disciples fought the Jewish scribes and Pharisees,
and captured Judas.  Then they would hang him.
Peter would deny Jesus twice instead of thrice, because
young audiences might not like the word 'thrice', and we
would actually hear the rooster (not cock) crow,
to make Jesus' foretelling of the scene clear as a bell.
Pilate would be the primary enemy and representative
of Evil, never seen except as a disembodied pair of
hands washing themselves, while he screamed, "crucify,
crucify".  The scene between Jesus and Pilate would
be shown as hand to hand combat, with Evil winning
temporarily.
There would be 40 lashes instead of 39, because
40 is a more biblical-sounding number, Philippa
Boyens would explain on the DVD.
There would be a long flashback, with music by Enya,
showing Mary Magdalene giving up her life of
prostitution to follow Jesus adoringly.
The scene between Jesus and Herod would be left
out of the movie, but put into the DVD Extended Edition.
Barabbas, instead of Simon, would have to help Jesus
carry the cross, and would be converted on the way.
The third big fight scene would be when the disciples,
trying to free Jesus, fought thousands of Roman soldiers
while the cross was being carried.  Peter Jackson
would say in the DVD commentary that there was a lull
in the story during the procession to Calvary, so a
battle was needed to quicken the movie's pace.  The
disciples would kill hundreds of Roman soldiers, but be
entirely unharmed themselves, without a scratch.
There would be one cross on Calvary instead of three,
because the other two crucifixions would be superfluous
and distracting, Philippa Boyens would explain on
the DVD.
The fourth big fight scene would be when Barrabas
fought the Romans single-handedly on Calvary, but was
finally defeated and thrown off the hill to his death.
Jesus would be struck by lightning when he
said, 'my God why have you forsaken me'.  Philippa
Boyens would explain that this irony heightens
the scene, and a definite moment of death is needed to
increase the drama.
The movie would be in English, though subtitles
would sometimes be used, but only for dialogue between
the primary disciples.  The sign attached to the cross
would be in English, but the chorus on the soundtrack
would sing in Aramaic and Latin.
Jesus would be seen resurrected with a shining sword in
hand, with which he would lead the disciples and new
Christians away to fight the gigantic assembled Roman army.
This would be shown as a fade-out, with sequel strongly
implied.
A popular singer would perform a song about Jesus and
Mary Magdalene during the end credits, hopefully to
win an Academy Award.
Most critics would love the film, and the few people who
complained about the changes from the book's accounts would
be dismissed as fundamentalist Christian fanboys.

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Evviva i fondamentalisti!!!! Evviva la satira intelligente!!!!
--
Un bacio, Isildril, strega d'alabastro
parente dei Soffiatromba, IFeSTosa #326

If Peter Jackson had directed The Passion ...
Non ho visto The Pasison, ma l'unico modo con cui questo post potrebbe
far ridere č se *Gibson* avesse fatto *veramente* il film in quiesto
modo.
Non ditemi che č cosě...
R.
-- 
Quando il gioco si fa duro
i sardi iniziano a giocare