Newsgroup: it.fan.tv.friends
Titolo: [SCRIPT] 815 in inglese

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815 - TOW the Birthing Video
Scritto da: Dana Klein Borkow
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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and
Phoebe enter and sit down.]
Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day!
Phoebe: Oh, you, too.
Joey: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’?
Rachel: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all
day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to
someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a
cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I’ll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: Bye.
(Rachel exits with coffee)
Joey: There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing
you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look
down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with
the woman I love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back!
And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of
knowing that that’s never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Oh, okay. 
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the
living room talking.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s
been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean,
she’s been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt
that says, ‘Fossils are my friends.’
Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass.
Ross: Uh, I’m going to take off.
Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this
tape!
Ross: What is it?
Phoebe: It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring
it back to your apartment?
Ross: All right. (reading the label) ‘Candy and Cookie?’
Phoebe: Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The father’s
also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c’mere. I
want to show you something in the bathroom.
Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up!
Ross: Hey, what’s behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for
Valentine’s Day.
Ross: You don’t want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me!
Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm…revealing articles
of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister
look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: (quietly) The red one.
[Scene: Joey and…wait…just Joey’s. Joey is sitting at the counter
eating a pizza.]
Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really
depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right
outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
Joey: No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: He-hee!
Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my
friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And
he will cheer you up!
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so
much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey’s legs)
Oh! Not that kind of fun.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of
roses.]
Chandler: Happy Valentine’s!
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into
something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) ‘Candy and Cookie’.
‘Candy and Cookie?’ Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She
really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in,
and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(A woman on TV breaths hard)
Man on TV: Yeah, just relax.
Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine.
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler’s eyes get
huge!)
Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty!
Man on TV: Now, push!
Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press
buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!
[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends
to throw it, but really doesn’t, and the dog goes running off.) Well,
you’re cute, but you’re not too smart! 
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey
has.)
Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw
this?
Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog
and gasps) Who is this?
Joey: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what
his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips…kind of like
you do to a baby or...well…a puppy…it’s hard to explain. Just use your
imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you
more, but I’ve got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this
before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like
that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. (exits)
Joey: (to the dog) C’mere. Hey. C’mere. That’s Rachel. She’s the one
who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you—we love her.
But we can’t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand,
right? You’re a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks)
Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the couch
staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his
mouth wide open.]
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring
to her outfit)
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his
eyes still huge)
Monica: (to herself) I’ve still got it!
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating…
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is
Phoebe’s. Why were you even watching it?
Chandler: I thought…maybe…you got me porn for Valentine’s Day.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for
Valentine’s Day… (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right!
Apparently, it’s about a young girl who moves to the big city, you
know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys!
Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those
aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now.
Monica: Honey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
Monica: Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day!
Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it.
Monica: Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is
beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he
immediately makes a face that just looks like he’s going to throw up!)
Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
Chandler: See, honey, there’s—(puts his hand on her leg)
Monica: Don’t touch me!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine
as Mona enters.]
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?
Mona: Good.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: I brought you back a present.
Ross: Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! (Mona
laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this
is made with sea water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh
water. That’s not interesting.
Mona: I think it’s interesting.
Ross: I do too! I missed you!
Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week?
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started
kicking!
Mona: How exciting!
Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around
when it happened for the first time.
Mona: Oh no.
Ross: Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey
suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona: (laughing) Yeah right!
Ross: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your
ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ (she
laughs again)
Ross: (not amused) Huh…uh-huh.
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back,
and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona
laughs…yes…again!)
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he’s starting
to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he’s eating in his
mouth)
Mona: So, what’d you tell him?
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns
his head and starts to break down)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
Ross: I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um,
plus, she, uh, she got me taffy!
Phoebe: Taffy, really? I’ve never had any.
Ross: Ever?!
Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to
provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what,
you’re just never going to tell her?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You
know, I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all
this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best
boyfriend in the world, then I’m going to tell her that my pregnant
ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So,
where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff?
(Referring to the taffy, which she’s been chewing this whole time.)
Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What’s the deal? (she swallows it,
finally) Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one?
[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog
is laying on the footrest.]
Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross,
it just isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love
with a cat.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog?
(the dog doesn’t move) You’re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a
beer?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.
Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right!
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
Phoebe: He’s miserable! What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff.
Phoebe: What stuff?
Joey: Rachel stuff.
Phoebe: Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the
world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: He’s breathing!
Phoebe: Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s.
Joey: No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball)
Here’s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball
and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have
I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and…Rachel’s…I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel
is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going
tonight?
Rachel: Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food
on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Ross: Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with
seawater, when in fact—
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to
get her money)
Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are—hi!
What are you doing here? I’m, um, supposed to pick you up!
Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine’s dinner!
Surprise!
Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of
like…)Ayyyayyyy!
Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona!
Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What’s she doing here?
Ross: I have no idea!
Rachel: I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross: I think she’s lonely.
Mona: Okay, but it’s Valentine’s Day!
Ross: I know.
Mona: Can’t we just ask her to go?
Ross: No, no. She’s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
(Doorbell rings)
Rachel: I’m not here! That’s just my Chinese food!
Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?
Ross: Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy.
Rachel: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats,
and eat this in bed! (exits)
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don’t
you, uh, open the champagne, and I’ll be right back. I’ve got a
surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)
Rachel: (entering) I’m just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way,
but, but, um… what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need the phone?
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is
his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t
you go back to your place and give us some privacy?
Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here.
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine’s Day! …Or something
to remember me by.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the
couch still staring at the screen.]
Monica: How long has it been this time?
Chandler: 90 seconds.
Monica: That’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about
it…except all I did was think about it.
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever
saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After
this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don’t we get rid of
the tape and pretend it never existed?
Chandler: I can do that.
Monica: Okay.
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
Chandler: Okay. Now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair.
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they
can’t do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very
awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Monica: Oh, thank God!
Chandler: Oh, I know!
Monica: Come in!
Rachel: (entering) Hi! I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s,
but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Oh, my God.
Chandler: Poor Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the
window to watch the action in Ross’ apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear,
but for this he closes the drapes!
Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s
here.
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch
it.
Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone
being born can make you want to kill yourself.
Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys
will watch it with me.
Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next
to you!
Rachel: C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch
this alone!
Monica: She’s right…of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it
around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler
puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the
woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
Monica: It’s…still beautiful.
Rachel: Uh! It’s horrible!
Monica: I know! I know, I’m so sorry for you!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
Chandler: Wait, you guys, look!
Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?!
Chandler: No, the baby’s out! Look, look!
Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Monica: Oh…Rach!
Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from…God
knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that
we’ve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd….]
Ross: Hey, hey, man!
Joey: Hey, what’s up?
Ross: Uh…Mona just dumped me.
Joey: Oh, man, I’m sorry. Why?
Ross: Well, with everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t
exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn’t tell her
I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had
the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with
me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner,
you know?
Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine’s Day.
Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani
without a date on Valentine’s Day? What’s going on, huh? Girl trouble?
Joey: Sort of.
Ross: Really?!
Joey: You don’t have to seem so happy about it.
Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.
Joey: Oh, I…I d—
Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y’know,
actually once—once I got dumped during sex.
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and
Ross and Joey move away)
Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?
Joey: Forget about it. It’s no big deal.
Ross: C’mon! Joey! What is it?
Joey: It’s nothing.
Ross: Hey, hey, it’s me. Why can’t you tell me?
Joey: Okay, uh…sit down. (they do) Um… there’s this woman that I like.
A lot. But, uh…it can’t happen.
Ross: She’s not a Tribbiani?
Joey: No!
Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?
Joey: Yes.
Ross: Well, uh, does she like you?
Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter,
because I can’t do anything about it.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long
time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy,
because we’re really good friends.
Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still
in love with her?
Joey: No. I don’t think so.
Ross: Okay. Um… is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, I don’t know.
Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep,
I—
Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does
this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.
Gunther: (placing a cup in front of Ross) Here’s your warm milk.
Ross: I’m going to…uh…I’m going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Ross: Anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? And tell
me how it goes. (walks towards the door until…)
Joey: It’s Rachel.
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute…Ahh! What’s going
to happen next??!!! I can’t make it all the way through the
Olympics!!!)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. Rachel is standing in front of the TV
holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) You’re going to have a baby, and you need to be
prepared. Now, you’re going to make yourself watch the whole thing.
Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! I’ll do…anything
to make that happen!
Man on TV: Anything?
(Music starts playing…yes…you know what kind of music…)
Rachel: (thinking) Hmm…maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.
End
-- 
j./All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
Still alive (very alive) on Thursday at 0:09:29 - 
http://www.iftf.it

 this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Ora, cari amici adattatori, mi spiegate perche' pensate che noi
italiani
siamo cosi' "poco tecnologici" da non sapere cos'e' uno screensaver
tanto da trasformarlo in un poster???
<>> TAcchAN <<>
--
Even in my dreams
I know I'm an idiot
    who is gonna wake up to reality
<>> TAcchAN <<>
-- 
Even in my dreams, 
I know I'm an idiot
    Who knows he's going to wake up to reality.

 tanto da trasformarlo in un poster???
La domanda è mal posta. Sono gli adattatori a non sapere cosa sia uno
screensaver. ;-)
Ciao,
 Emmanuele.
-- 
Emmanuele Bassi (Zefram)              [ 
http://digilander.iol.it/ebassi/
 ]
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