Newsgroup: it.cultura.ebraica
Titolo: Lo UNIX e' ebreo?

"surfando" qua e la' ho trovato questo pezzo spiritoso che
vi voglio postare per distrarvi un po' dalle vicende presenti
(humour vicit omnia).
Saluti
r.l.
P.S.: per il moderatore: suvvia, sia gentile, faccia passare 
      l'inglese per stavolta :o)
  I S    U N I X     J E W I S H ? 
(c) 1995 by L. Joseph Bachman
I recently saw an amusing little piece on the religious significance of
various computer operating systems come in over the net.  I thought I'd
share it, and add my own comments to relate it to Judaism...
 
The following are some excerpts from an English translation of a column
by Umberto Eco (remember that wonderful recruiting film for the monastic
orders called "The Name of the Rose?" Sean Connery played a monk
detective.) that appeared in the Italian news weekly "Espresso"
on Sept. 30, 1994. 
Eco writes: 
"Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground
religious war which is modifying the modern world....The fact is that
the world is divided between users of the Macintosh...and users of
MS-DOS...I am firmly of the opinion that Macintosh is Catholic and DOS
is Protestant.  Indeed, the Mac is counter-reformist...It is cheerful,
friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed
steep-by-step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in
which their document is printed..The essence of revalation is dealt with
via simple fomulae and sumptuous icons.  Everyone has a right to
salvation.
DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic.  It allows free interpretation
of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes subtle
hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all
can reach salvation.  To make the system work, you need to interpret the
program yourself...
You may object that, with the passesge to Windows, the DOS universe has
come to resemble more closely the...Macintosh.  It's true, Windows
represents an Anglican-style schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral,
but there is always the possibility of a return to DOS to change
things...when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and
gays to be ministers if you want to..."
end of quoted selection 
OK, so in typical European fashion, the author forgot to consider the
contribution of the Jews who have lived in Europe for millenia...but
what the heck...However, don't feel bad.  Judaism is certainly
represented in this underground techno-religious war....because....
 
UNIX is Judaism! 
Of course, Just like DOS, Unix allows interpretation of scripture,
demands difficult personal choice, etc.  The Prtotestants thought that
they were going back to the Judaisc roots of Christianity..But Unix is
more.  First, in order to fully understand and use Unix, you must master
a strange and unintellegible language, used only by the faithful.  The
full extent of revalation can be understood only by learning the
commentaries ("man pages") written in such seeming gibberish that the
student cannot hope to understand them without a rabbi ("system
administrator").  However, once the rabbi explains them, their meaning
is crystal clear, and the student finds immense spritual treasure, or at
least he or she can print documents or back up files, or even log in.
When one cannot understand how to do something, one goes to his rabbi
(system administrator) who gives detailed instructions of what to do.
The instructions seem preposterous, but they always work very well.
However, there are numerous ways to achieve the same goal, and 3 rabbis
(system adminstrators) will give you 4 opinions about how to do
something....Yes, Unix is Judaism. Notice, also, how it is the least
popular of the major operating systems....
Also, like Judaism, a Unix system crashes periodically (Destruction of
the Temple,  Enlightenment, etc), and thus it gets programmed into newer
versions, some of which don't work as well as the older versions.
Now, if Unix is Judaiam, then what corresponds to Islam?  Bhuddism? JCL?
VMS?
...Ahhhh, my Unix system is crashing....Oh well, better call the rabbi,
take out a sefer, and learn some Torah until it comes up again
(:-). 
**** 
Back to more Purim Torah
 
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"surfando" qua e la' ho trovato questo pezzo spiritoso che
Rilancio con questo:
: Hi, I'm about to install SCO Unix. But I heard that any Unix is full
: of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and
: because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it.
: As a Christian user I don't wanna have to do anything with Satan and
: his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT ?
I'm afraid that all platforms have daemons running somewhere.
To see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task
Manager" and you'll see all the programs running in
the background.
The solution to your problem is not to switch to NT but
to upgrade to a new personal operating system that
does not require the fear of daemons.  I recommend
Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an un-advertised
competitive upgrade for the last
6,000 years.  Check your phone directory for the
address of your nearest authorized services center for
details.
There are many other advantages to an upgrade to
Judaism 1.0.
- Thousands of local authorized services centers
(temples).
- Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi).
- User group meetings every Saturday.
- Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah).
- Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur).
- Economical.  Does not require a large Vatican MIS department.
- Flexible development, arguing and porting environment.
- Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification.
To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a
complete documentation package, including:
- Source Code (Torah).
- Translation to English (Old Testament).
- Annotated release notes (Talmud).
- Getting Started guide (Mafsir).
There are some details which must be known before upgrading.
Due to reliability considerations, multiple personal
operating systems are not supported.  Therefore, the
upgrade is actually a total replacement.  Fortunately,
the tested in-place-upgrade preserves everything and
does not require unloading assets and starting over.
Although there are no license fees, maintenance
charges (tithe) or upgrade charges, donations are
usually requested at the
Saturday user group meetings, and after the annual
reboot ceremony.  There are media charges for printed
documentation.
Some minor accessories (yamekah, talis, t'villim) may
need to be purchased.
Once the Judaism personal operating system is
installed and properly licensed, you are allowed to
make backup copies for all your child processes. 
However, they will be running
"Judaism Lite" until age 13 when the full personal
operating system may be safely installed (Bar Mitzvah).
There are a number of holidays, festivals and events
which may involve some downtime.  These are
explained in the documentation in excruciating details.
 The lunar calendar is non-standard but conversion
utilities are available.
Judaism 1.0 is compatible with both Unix and NT.  It
involves no fear of daemons, numbers (666) or scientific
notation.
Many features of the beta versions of Judaism were
cloned by your existing personal operating system. 
Reliability is greatly enhanced by 5,758 years of
experience as compared to only 1,997 years for your
current installation.  This allowed time to do testing
and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently
underway in Ireland.
Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal
operating system, but with an installed base of only 3%
of the US population.  This small but fanatically loyal
user based has resulted in extremely low turnover. 
This also yields excellent system reliability, honesty,
survivability and high net worth benchmark results.
Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 49 years, I can
testify as to all the above advantages.  I have never
experienced a system crash, hang, purge or pogrom
that could be attributed to a bug or glitch in the
personal operating system.
I highly recommend installing the upgrade.
-- 
ciao, | The Internet is full. Go away.  -- Joel Furr      | #156856496
Marco | (Ri)scoprire fidonet: 
http://bbs.bofh.it
          | 
m...@jabber.linux.it


 
[CUT]
Marco vorrei ricordarti che sul NG vanno postati solo 
messaggi in lingua italiana (da manifesto) e che, come per 
il tuo predecessore, richiediamo una traduzione in Italiano.
Sono sicuro che ce la farai avere al piu' presto.
Ciao
Joram
